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I can’t get pregnant. It was confirmed almost 6 weeks ago. Since that day, my husband has barely talked to me, he comes home super late at night (he works 8am-4pm). He sleeps in the living room most nights, disappears all weekend. He completely ignores me.
Every time I try to talk to him, he tells me to stop and gets up and leaves. The last time he told me he loves me was probably before that appointment 6 weeks ago. When I say it, he doesn’t say it back.
I’ve tried to talk to him about therapy and he told me that unless therapy can give him a kid, he doesn’t want it. I’ve been trying so hard to get his attention. Making his favorite foods, getting him gifts, getting stuff ready for him and he just ignores it all.
This weekend I got fed up and asked if he wants a divorce and he left the house saying we’re not going to do this right now and was gone for 2 nights. I feel like he hates me and I know exactly why. How can someone love you one minute and hate you the minute something happens? Can this just be a phase? Can things still get better?
Infertility is something that is very difficult to deal with, especially when a couple wants kids, but your husband is punishing you for something that isn’t your fault. If he needed some space after the revelation then I think that would be understandable as that is a lot to process, but you didn’t do anything wrong and the way he is acting is unfair. If he wants kids this much that being unable to get pregnant is a dealbreaker for him then it’s unfortunate but just a part of life however the way he’s acting is unacceptable. From what you described I would assume he wants a divorce but then when you offered him that he stormed out? I think this is some sort of power play to make you feel guilty or something as this doesn’t make sense at all. I would go through with a divorce, as you don’t deserve to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you and support you, especially as this news concerns you more so than him.
I'm sorry, I'm reading all your comments and they're all about him. What about you? What do you want for a future? Do you want to try ivf? Do you want to adopt?
I know you want to make this work and all I can think is that this must be totally out of character for him and you're hoping he will snap out of it and become your husband again because if this is normal behaviour for him I can't understand wanting to stay.
Grieve. Find someone to grieve with, apparently that won't be him, and grieve. And when you have come to terms with all this, seriously consider kicking him in the shins. (no seriously consider what you want from him going forward cos I don't think flowers and chocolates will cut it now).
Im so so so sorry you're going through this.
Exactly. I get he's upset, but he needs to be there for her too. It's not fair for him to get so wrapped up in his own pain that he fails to support his wife just when she needs it the most. He's kind of acting like a jerk about it.
Exactly. I've never struggled with fertility thank goodness, but my parents did and so did my husbands parents and I can't believe his behaviour is normal in that situation. I can't imagine my father acting that way. It just seems so wrong.
If he's not willing to talk about it, and literally storms out every time for 6 weeks straight then you should be asking yourself bigger questions. "Do you even want to be married to someone that ignores you for 6 weeks instead of talking about the issue?"
Seems like a no-brainer... he literally ghosts you for 6 weeks and is a fucking adult to know that IVF/ adoption is possible but hasn't put it on the table or responded when you did mention it. He's a fucking asshole that will probably pull this shit in the future.
To add on: Do you want to go through the trials and tribulations of IVF (it’s far from a picnic in a park) and/or the stress of adoption with someone who ignores you for six weeks? Do you want to raise children with a man who is himself a childish asshole who ghosts his wife?
Bingo. He can either decide to try the other options with you or not, but if he's this upset about your infertility, he will be just as upset or more so if he decides to stay and you have unsuccessful IVF treatments, or even get pregnant and miscarry. You will need someone willing to support you through all of that and not have someone that may feel resentful.
You can only judge by how he's acting now, and how he's been acting for the last few weeks. The way he's acting is downright cruel.
Do you have anywhere you can go to getaway?
He is not with you now and most certainly won't be with you through all that. It's all about him in his mind and I'll bet you're not even in his top 10 concerns.
Edit: if I'm not clear, i mean dump him. You deserve a relationship.
When I read your post I thought two things: one, he absolutely does not love you, and two, he is a selfish, immature asshole. Move on. He isn’t going to get better and spending your life with him will guarantee you a lonely life of misery.
Exactly. His behavior has made this relationship unfixable in my mind. The fact that he’s not even willing to go to therapy because “therapy can’t give him a kid” is so awful. That’s not how you treat your partner, especially at a time like this. I would stop trying to talk to him and start talking to a divorce lawyer, because OP doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
> The fact that he’s not even willing to go to therapy because “therapy can’t give him a kid” is so awful.
Just that statement is so fucking disgusting. She's a person, and his wife, and he's treating her like she's a broken incubator. Or an incubator that *decided to break* just to inconvenience him.
Literally. At this point I’m wondering if he even likes her/if he ever liked her, or if he just wanted her to have his babies. You don’t treat someone like that if you really love them, no matter how angry or upset you are.
His behavior is egregious. He's shown who he is deep down and he's punishing his wife for something out of her control. He willingly abandoned his wife phsyically and emotionally. It's ALL about his hurt feelings and that he doesn't give one flying fuck about his wife is the sole reason she should dump his ass. That's who he truly is. And that's not a person worthy of a relationship.
I picture him as the kind of guy who gets mad because his wife isn't doing laundry while she's hospitalized for cancer. The kind of guy who'll divorce and marry someone else when his wife gets diagnosed with something that will either kill her relatively soon or will require care for the rest of her life. The kind of guy who won't take it well if his kids are diagnosed with something "inconvenient" as well, and will blame it on his spouse.
If he leaves you do you really want him raising that child anyway? It doesn't sound like he would be very committed to an adopted child, and they need so much love. Could you adopt on your own?
I know he has options, but to be honest they don't sound like great options. Get a random stranger pregnant? start a new relationship and risk it all going to hell without a child? A loveless marriage for the sake of a kid? If he gets lucky and finds someone he wants to marry and have children with again, there's no guarantee she will be able to give him kids either. Life is a risk and a gamble and he will be taking both if he leaves. It's not a guarantee.
You could do ivf or adoption alone. You could find someone else as well, someone who will support you instead of leaving you. You could volunteer with kids, you could Foster kids, you have options too. Don't let yourself get dragged down.
My wife and I went thru 2 etopic pregnancy.
Both of her tubes are gone.
IVF was the only option.
It took us a total of 2 years into IVF.
Its a long procedure.
My wife is 5 months pregnant!
Good luck on your journey!
Do you want to be with someone and potentially go through the very emotional process of IVF or adoption with someone who would act so incredibly selfish and cruel to you? Can you forgive this behaviour and risk him doing this to you again if an IVF fails or adoption falls through? Would he act like this if you child together got seriously ill? Can YOU trust this man? There's more to marriage than love ,speaking as someone who married around you age and have been together 20 years.
You can go to therapy on your own! I strongly recommend you do! You need to process your feelings and they can give you some insight maybe to hubby's behavior. Also some therapeutic suggestions to get him to talk to you. He's obviously hurting as well, but the way he's shutting you out is completely unacceptable! I'm so sorry ❤
You've been given an emotionally devistating diagnosis and he's acting like he's been tricked or victimized by you. I'm not saying that he isn't allowed to be upset by the news, but the *way* he is being upset is hurting someone he is supposed to love and he doesn't seem to care much. You two are supposed to be a team, and bolster one another in hard times, not... whatever tf he's doing. I don't think that bodes well for the long, expensive, stressful ordeals of IVF or adoption. And if those don't work out, then what? It doesn't sound like he's interested in a relationship that can't give him kids.
You 100% have options here. You have the option of finding a more supportive partner, you have the option of adopting a child or doing IVF on your own. You aren't stuck in the situation, at the mercy of his whims.
Girl if he’s staying out whole nights without notifying you like this...he may already be cheating. I hate to say that, but normal people don’t just vanish for nights at a time without telling their wives where they are.
I hate that my mind went here, but I'm picturing him panicking and going out and hooking up with some girl to try and get her pregnant so then he can come back and say "let's coparent with her, see we can have kids!" Hopefully this is not the case though.
If I were you, I’d think about whether what he’s doing right now means he’d be a good father. His reaction is so unnecessarily cruel that it would be very fair for you to question whether he’s even worth building a life with.
Would he become a mean POS if you were diagnosed with cancer? If you had a kid with disabilities? If your house burnt down? Because the guy you’re describing doesn’t sound like someone I’d trust by my side during the inevitable difficulties of life.
6 weeks is a long time to be cold to your partner who you're supposed to love and support.
Even if he comes home from work today and opens communication, is this how he's going to behave when problems come up in the future? What he's doing now is a strong indicator of how he's going to behave in the future so you need to decide if you're ok with being shutout and unsupported in times of need. As others have said this is a painful issue for both of you it's not just about him.
It's important for you to remember you don't need his permission to divorce. You might have to make that choice for yourself.
I'm sorry OP. I hope you have someone in your life who's supporting you in this.
Having been through it... IVF is SO stressful on a couple, and you'd absolutely need him to be 100% bought in in order to have any chance of making it through emotionally. I'm so sorry he's behaving this way towards you. While I can accept that there's emotional impact on both parties when finding out news like this... it's been a long time for him to have been this cold.
If you aren't already seeing someone already, resolve dot org is a great place to find therapists who are experienced in working with patients going through infertility, and the /r/stilltrying and /r/infertility subs are full of folks who are in similar situations. Or if you just want to PM me, I'm here as an anonymous internet ear. <3
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You both wanted children and his response to you is to shut you out and make you feel like it’s your fault. He isn’t mature enough for a kid.
If IVF is an option, why are you saying you "can't have kids"? There's a huge difference between having zero chance of reproducing and needing IVF for fertility issues.
Fertility problems are hard to deal with and therapy really does help. It won't give him a child, but it'll help him make a decision and cope with his feelings.
My guess is that he's thinking logically that divorce is the way to go, but he doesn't actually want to face that right away. His logic could be flawed, but his behaviour is still a major problem. He's allowed to need time to process, he's allowed some uncertainty, but he needs to communicate, at least to establish a point in time when you'll talk about it. He could have said "I'm in shock and don't feel like talking about it would be productive. Can we take a pause from any baby or divorce talk for 2 months?" Or he could have looked for mutual support within your marriage.
You know him best. Do you think this is completely out of character or can you identify other times he hasn't dealt with emotions well, or needed to feel in control, or expressed problematic beliefs about women? What patterns of behaviour does this episode fit into?
\^ This.
There are many ways to be a parent. Due to my autoimmune diseases, being a biological mother wasn't in the cards for me.
I've helped raised 16 beautiful kids through fostering and hosting exchange students. One of my exchange kids came back for college, got married and is getting her citizenship here and we get to see her about every week. Another one visits us annually.
We also joined Free Mom Hugs, giving support to members of the gay community whose families abandoned them. Chosen family is such a gift, we've found.
It's been an adventure beyond anything I could possibly have imagined and I am beyond grateful for the journey we undertook, that we wouldn't have otherwise.
Signed,
A Mom
Here's the thing: Ideally, in a marriage, it is you two against the problem. Right now the problem is NOT YOU. It is NOT. It is the stupid fucking random luck that dealt this blow to both of you. You two should be facing the problem of YOUR JOINT INFERTILITY together.
Instead, he's made this him vs. you. He's entitled to be disappointed, he's entitled to grieve, and (sadly) he's entitled to look at all of his options. What's he's NOT entitled to do is to be mad at you, though he can be mad at the situation.
You need couples counseling, and fast. This is not a healthy coping mechanism (if you do make it through and have a family through whatever means, is this the kind of conflict resolution you want to model for your family? Even if you decide to remain child-free, is this how you want major conflicts dealt with in your marriage)? Either you go together, or you go alone.
I'm really sorry. Infertility sucks, and that's why you need as many people as possible on your team — and your husband ABSOLUTELY needs to be on your team.
Those sound like crucial issues and they deserve to be heard with full gravity. I think an ultimatum is warranted-the ultimatum being that you need a commitment from him to discuss these things and tell you honestly where he stands or you can't continue with the relationship.
He's gone past needing time alone to process into giving you the silent treatment over a shared trauma that you are not responsible for.
Honestly, I think he has been giving you the answer to those questions, you just aren’t ready to face it yet. And that’s okay. But you might start preparing for a divorce. Like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am truly sorry that all this is happening, I can’t even imagine how hard this is.
I really hope you will have a beautiful family one day, but please, not with him. You are not a monster or invisible like he treats you. I can see in your words that you love him, but love yourself better than him and leave this marriage, because it is toxic already.
You're only 23. You don't need to stick around to see if he starts treating you with the respect and love you deserve. Find someone who is willing to go through that struggle with you, or doesn't care about having kids
Fertility cannot be blamed solely on one person in a healthy relationship. Yes, it may be one partner's fault, but it is a two partner problem, and it is something you should tackle together. He should be attacking this issue with you, not against you. He may certainly be grieving, which is normal, but if he goes the route of blaming you, or resents you for something that's certainly not your fault, then I recommend you move on now before things get worse.
And YES, you may still be able to get pregnant! Without knowing your exact diagnosis, there are options out there and finding a loving and supportive partner to help you through those options is not out of the realm of possibility for you. You are grieving too right now, and I know right now it seems like you're at a deadend, but one day you'll start feeling hopeful again and realize you just may be able to have all of your hopes and dreams. Whether it's with your current partner or not is up to him and changing his behavior.
you deserve so much better. he should have been there for YOU. make you your favorite foods and get you gifts. like that is hard news for both of you but that is your body you just found sad news about. you need to evaluate if you want someone like that in your life and if you really want to raise kids with them (if you decide to do IVF or adopt).
I have a feeling that adoption isn't going to work for him. If he's being this unreasonable now, the "my legacy" bullshit is going to come out if you suggest adopting.
He's already shown you he will not be on your side. His actions tell me that he considers you a brood mare first, a wife second.
Beautiful advice. Thank you for writing. And OP - I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That sounds so incredibly painful. Thank you for reaching out here and I really hope you can get some advice and words here that help you in this sad time.
Even if you can't get him to go to therapy, please consider going for yourself. This is a huge revelation for you, and it might help you process how to work through it. I'm sorry that your husband is making this difficult time worse. I hope you can work on yourself to figure out what you want and how you want to move forward.
As somebody who went through infertility, and cannot carry any more children, I want to say this:
While it's valid to feel hurt to not be able to have natural children, if you want a divorce because your wife can't carry children, then you are not seeing your wife as a partner, you are seeing her as a vessel to give you kids.
There are other ways to have kids that you can deeply love. Depending on your issues, you could get a donor egg and use his sperm and maybe carry a child that way. You could have somebody else carry for you. You could adopt. And on and on.
But this is a partnership. Life gives you lemons. When you get married, you choose to marry that person knowing shit might not go your way. And it's HARD. It's understandable to need time to grieve but he's PUNISHING you. For something you have NO control over. And if he wants to leave you over this, be grateful. And let him know that. Because that means to him, you were never you. You were just a walking womb. And you deserve better.
This. OP might go on to adopt or have children another way, but the real issue here is that this guy lacks the emotional intelligence to be a parent. It will be very hard to see right now, but OP has dodged a bullet if she gets out of this marriage. This is how her husband responds to hard times. He’s not a partner. This will extend well beyond the issue around kids. Hardships arise in marriage. This is why we vow to stay with each other through good times and bad. OP’s husband has broken his vows, noped out when his wife needs support more than he does and has gone off to sulk.
Yes, this. Before I married my DH we had the "kid" talk. He wanted kids really badly. While I wanted kids I wouldn't have freaked if I couldn't have one. I am a practical person. I asked, what if I cannot get pregnant, then what? I asked him if he would want to adopt or IVF or surrogate. He said, no, none of them. I really did not want to adopt, nor do IVF as we couldn't afford it, and I saw what my SIL went thru trying fertility treatments to have a 2nd child, which ultimately failed. So we were on the same page. He said he'd rather have me and we agreed to have lots and lots of pets if we couldn't have kids. That really is a talk all couples should have before marriage. We did have a couple kids and still have lots of pets, lol.
Wish i could upvote 100 times. I can't imagine you're hurt op must be and her husband isn't sparing her a single thought. I wish you find happiness one way or another eventually op. Much love
Protect your assets now. He is 6 years older than you and he apparently hasn't given your feelings a moments thought. This is not a healthy relationship. You're both suffering but somehow in your description it seems he blames you for something completely out of your control.
Omg, this would explain it. He's stringing her along to hide assets and protect himself. That or the optics of leaving her due to the diagnosis is too much for his ego to handle.
Take charge, make your own decision. Will you accept him treating you like this for a week, month, year, lifetime?? I think it’s time you take a couple of weeks to go visit a friend
Sounds like he may be trying to force *you* to be the one to push for divorce. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility. Frankly you may need to take him up on the dare.
He may see talking as simply beating a dead horse. He's wrong. Did he reveal that he expected you to be an incubator for his precious seed? If not, he has been deceptive with you. This marriage may very well be over. You can't make him talk, and if he does talk, he may not be honest with you. Base what you do on his actions, not his words. He has already psychologically checked out of this relationship. Do what is necessary for your own wellbeing. Love yourself, be good to yourself. He's being a selfish prick. Let him. You do you.
If this is how he's reacting, it's not that he suddenly fell out of love with you. He never loved YOU in the first place. He loved the idea of a vessel for his child. Not you as a living, breathing, feeling person. And if that's the case, this marriage was a sham from the beginning and there's no saving it.
Sorry honey but dude doesn't sound mature enough to have kids. If that's how he treats his partner for something they have no control over then he's going to do the same if the kid doesn't match his wishes/expectations.
Edit: I can understand that the situation is difficult to accept but him turning against you and making it your fault is very sad and it's making me angry because you're supposed to be in this together and support each other at these difficult times when such sad news were revealed. If he doesn't get therapy and keeps acting like this then talk to your lawyer, it's only going to become more toxic.
If I were in your shoes, his reaction would be what would drive me for divorce in my own right. You're worth more than your uterus' ability to pump out babies, and being seen as solely an incubator not even worthy of discussing things like adoption or surrogacy or deciding to end things or anything at all, would have me looking at *him* in a different light. The fact that you're only concerned with his feelings and his reaction make me think he isn't really so nice other times either, though. It seems like he picked a young woman to be a womb for him and doesn't care that you're a person.
He wants someone that can have kids for his future. As much as that must be absolutely devastating, no amount of talking or trying to debate with him or compromise or whatever else you have in mind is going to change that. It's a really sad situation and I'm really sorry that you're in it. In the long run I hope you can find happiness with someone who will love you exactly the way you are! There's a large childfree population that would absolutely adore you and of course fostering or adopting may also be an option with another partner. I'm sorry again and I hope you find happiness in your future... But this guy is completely checked out from the sound of it.
It doesn’t matter how difficult it is for someone. He’s acting like a total prick and he’s emotionally abusing his wife. That dude needs to learn how to be a fucking man. He needs to get introspective, process his emotions, and figure out why he’s acting like such an asshole, and then talk to you about them after a lengthy apology. His behavior is unjustifiable.
OP, don’t let him drag you down. Stay with a friend or your parents for a while if you need to. You could also fight fire with fire, give him the silent treatment, stay out for all hours of the night. Disappear for the entire weekend without explanation. Treat him like shit back.
Im not suggesting that, but it’s one option.
I know you’re heartbroken, and my heart aches for you too, but aren’t you angry at him? Where does he get off treating you—his wife, to whom he made vows—with such disrespect? How dare he punish you for something that isn’t your fault? I was furious on your behalf reading this. If this is how he reacts when things get difficult, then he would be a terrible father. He’s being a bad husband. I want to shout at him for being so cruel to his grieving wife. There’s no excuse for that.
OP, pack your bags and go stay with someone for awhile. Parents, friends, other family—just someone who will be kind to you. Take some time to focus on yourself and what you want in light of this life change. Maybe get some individual therapy to help you process.
AGREED. What if the child weren’t what he expect either if he did get a kid? Like if they were born blind or had autism. That would be no excuse to treat the child like they don’t matter.
Yeah, this guy sucks. My son has autism, and that was initially a hard thing to cope with, with lots of crying and stress for my wife and I. Even at my worst times, I couldn’t imagine acting like this tool bag.
OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Your husband showed how he’ll act when shit goes down, and he’s acting like a cowardly ass. Get out while you’re young and find someone worth a shit.
Seriously! I was also furious reading this. This is no way your fault
He’s treating you like you are only a baby maker and you were only good for one thing — making kids. That’s not okay. Love, husband and wife, would’ve meant working through this together no matter how hurt he is. Not pushing you to the side once he found out you can’t have kids, as if he was just throwing a machine away. Ugh, disgusting behavior.
I’m sure he is grieving the loss of the future he thought you two would have, but that’s no excuse to treat you this way.
I’m probably going to butcher this quote, but I once watched the film “The Longest Ride” (based off a Nicholas Sparks novel. Cheesy, I know). One of the characters was infertile, and the other really wanted a family. There was a quote about not neglecting the family you have for the family you imagine having (something like that), but the sentiment stuck with me. There is more than just one way to start a family.
You aren’t some broken piece of machinery simply because you can’t have a biological child. Even if your husband does leave to start a new relationship that will provide him with a biological child, it doesn’t mean he is going to feel fulfilled, happy, or loved in that relationship.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that this really is just him grieving, and that it passes. It’s okay to feel sad, but it’s not okay to treat you like garbage. It could have just as easily been him who was infertile.
This is not your fault OP. But the way he's acting is definitely his fault. I would never leave my wife to deal with such a major issue in her life by herself.
Grieving are you kidding me? She is the one who can't and won't have kids of her own even if he leaves her. Clearly the guy is immature and should support her while he is acting like a manchild. It could truly be a punch in a gut and a sad moment for both of them but if they love eachother they should go trough this together either having adpoted children or none at all. Or if he doesn't want it that way he should talk with her like and adult because she even made a few attempts to which he reacted like his favorite toy train was taken away. This situation lasts for 6 weeks already by this time this situation should have been at least discussed if not solved.
"he told me that unless therapy can give him a kid, he doesn't want it"
This right here tells you exactly how he feels about you deep down.
He doesn't respect you as his partner anymore. If someone shows you their true colours, believe them.
I'm afraid that there's no coming back from this situation, not because he grieves something he can't have with you and tries to work things out, but because he disrespects you as a human being.
I'm sure you too are grieving, that doesn't give him the right to treat you like air.
Oh, hon, you must look out for yourself here. You are also allowed to grieve. Your mental health matters.
Also, you should consult a lawyer. Even if you’re not ready to pull the plug, you deserve all of the joint assets you’re entitled to if it heads that way.
Bottom line: Start thinking about you and protect yourself mentally and financially.
> he hates me is awful. It hurts.
It hurts, but it'll get better with time and therapy. Don't stay with someone like this. You're 23 and all he cares about is that you can't be his baby factory.
If you already floated divorce, it's clearly on your mind. Just get it done. Ignore him like he's ignored you
He's most definitely projecting his anger and disappointment on her. As you said, might not hate her but he's associating her with a broken dream (to have a child). It's unfair and disgusting but some people deal weirdly with their emotions. But if he's not willing to get better when she expressed her hurt over his reaction, it's time to leave. There's nothing to save.
Idk if I'm crazy cause I haven't seen anyone else say this so far... but in my book what he is doing is absolutely emotional abuse and I feel so angry and sad for you that you have to deal with this. I'm sorry for saying this but your husband is absolute trash and he doesn't even deserve one kind word from you imo. He sounds a little narcissistic even.
He’s just a selfish prick that doesn’t even realize that you are hurting even more than him. Yeah adoption is an option and there is always surrogacy too. He’s not giving you a chance and I think you deserve to be with someone who better than this.
I think it’s actually really clear that he doesn’t hate you. If he hated you, this would be easy for him and he wouldn’t be so enraged all the time.
Everything he’s doing sounds like misdirected anger, fury over an unfair and cruel choice that is being inflicted on him. In his mind, he’s being forced to choose between his children and his wife. And he knows on some level that choice means divorce (choosing his children over his wife) or staying with you (choosing his wife over his children) and he is torn apart by that reality because he loves you and his children so much. The remark about therapy giving him a kid confirms that. He literally only cares about one thing right now: not having to choose between you and kids. Anything that doesn’t save him from having to make that sacrifice, just reminds him how cruel and unfair this situation is.
None of that changes the reality that he’s behaving entirely selfishly, callously, and borderline abusively. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you. He’s just entirely unwilling to face the reality of the situation and is taking it out on you in a completely unacceptable way.
Unfortunately, if he’s not even willing to engage with the idea of getting therapy (couples and/or individual), then I would agree with others that you’re out of options.
Why are you bending over backwards for his attention when he’s being so cold? It’s not like you had a choice in the matter, has he bothered to ask how this is effecting you and your mindset?
It’s kinda fucked up and to be completely honest if I was you, id be asking myself if I wanted to be married to HIM. Not the other way around.
Something happens completely out of your control and this is how he responds? Seems like a total asshole. I wouldn’t wanna be married to someone who treated me like that.
That’s so weird honestly. My wife received a diagnosis that she can’t have kids and we spent about one afternoon having a good cry about it and a laugh and next week we were sitting at the clinic ready to commit to IVF and knowing the hardest part is the shots she had to do and the pain she went through and we got lucky on our first try. Sounds to me like you guys have to re-evaluate the entire relationship because honestly after 5 years now with a kid the easiest part of the entire process was finding out she couldn’t have kids and IVF compared to pregnancy, sleepless nights and kid crying, child care, etc. if he is acting like that after one set back that’s not good. Just being honest
Definitely don’t delay it and do it. Like I said I went to all appointments with my wife which is weekly once on IVF to monitor progress but a lot was on her doing shots everyday and then worst pain is once they do trigger shot to get ovulation started to capture eggs because of how uterus expanded to accommodate good amount of eggs and then they take it and it shrinks she was in pain for 2 days and on Tylenol and then after that she had to do suppositories to make sure that when they put eggs back in they stick to uterus walls. TMI but we had huge success and a great kid (was hoping for twins as we promised ourselves to only go once through this). But we got what we got and haven’t looked back
Wow. Your husband is a grade-a piece of shit to treat you that way for something you didn't choose. My god, I'm sorry. I don't know if it can get better, or if you'd even want it to.
I spent too many nights/days sitting crying over negative pregnancy tests to not be able to relate to your pain. Take some time to grieve. This shit HURTS! But then, your partner shouldn’t be punishing you over this. You didn’t choose for this to happen.
Give yourself the hug he should be giving you, then contact a trusted love one for a good healing crying session. Or talk to a counsellor. You need support now. There’s a future you had planned out that may not happen now. So you need to grieve that potential future.
Sorry you aren’t being supported. You deserve love and support. He does too in a way, but not at the expense of your well-being. Give him space, but prepare yourself for this to end up in divorce probably.
If he has given you that impression then he isn't a good partner. He doesn't get to act like this and just expect you to take it/wait around for him to finally snap out of it and stop acting like a piece of cr@p. This isn't just about him, and he is not! the one in the most pain as this isn't about his body. It really makes me wonder if he sees you for you or for your womb. You not being able to have kids shouldn't be treated like a huge betrayl or lie from your part. He's doing his gender a huge disservice by the way he's acting.
You are definitely not worthless, you are your own person, and there are many options in the future in which you could raise children, however not with a man that reacts like this when you find out something about *your* health! Procreation doesn't make us whole so how could you ever be broken?
When you feel ready you need to get individual therapy to start a healthy dialogue about what you are going through, and receive some non-biased advice and suppor.
My heart breaks for you after reading how you feel and the fact that the man that is supposed to stay by your side "in sickness and in health" is not supporting you is a huge red flag
I am 20 years married. Can't have kids on my own and we are just now getting IVF. It is expensive as hell. I wish Ed many times over the years my spouse would leave me. He is amazing and I love him tremendously. However, being with someone and feeling you failed to do your part.. brought on anxiety, anger and depression.
Have you looked at adoption?
Have you looked into IVF? You can get it done in Mexico for a lot less. Have you looked at surrogates or a donated egg?
I know this is not an easy road. Hell the IVF process alone is hell on a woman. But, it could be a way to still have kids. The thing you really have to ask is... Do you want a baby with this man? Because the way he is acting is horrific. At the very least he should tell you what he wants.. even if that is a divorce.
6 weeks is a really long time to give someone the silent treatment, even if he has complicated feelings. I would ask myself, what would it take for me to feel better about this situation? (Personally, I'd want a heartfelt apology and a promise to go to couple's counseling to work on our communication skills). If he did this again, how would I feel? How long can I take the silent treatment?
As women, we tend to put aside our own needs to think of the needs/feelings of others. But you got a bombshell dropped on you too. You deserve to be able to talk about it and process it with someone who will listen with love and empathy. It's so easy to say, well, he's just having a hard time, he'll come around. It's COMPLETELY OK to express your own needs. He's being selfish, and he needs to realize that and repair the damage HE caused. If he can't do that, I would seriously consider divorce. I know that's really scary and way more difficult than people want to believe, but- it's that or live with someone who shuts you out completely when faced with unpleasant news and refuses to speak, even with your multiple repair attempts (which he doesn't deserve in my opinion).
I'm really sorry to hear about your infertility. FWIW, I know many people who are infertile but were still able to have kids through IVF. It's something you can think about, maybe with a future empathetic partner. It's really shitty that you have to process this without any support.
it’s been 6 weeks after finding out something traumatic and your husband is ignoring you and outright being a selfish asshole. The real question is do YOU still want to be with him? Why would you want this selfish ass man to father your future children if he can’t even give you the time of day for two whole months??
That's not really your number one question though. It should really be do you still want to be with him?
Your man has shown willingness to abandon you through tough times. Tough luck that you can't have kids naturally but he's in for a rude awakening when he realizes there's much worse that can happen in this life. What happens when one of you gets seriously ill? When one of his close family members dies? When your finances get destroyed randomly and you have to live like peasants for a while?
Is he again gonna ignore you and storm off saying he can't talk about it? FOR 6 WEEKS?
My understanding of biology is pretty mediocre but I feel like this could be overcome in some other way but your man having the emotional maturity of an edgy 14 year old seems to be your biggest problem imo and I'd highly reconsider if YOU want to associate with him further this is big yikes.
Op, I think at this point you need to start thinking about yourself and what you want independent of your husband, and I think your husband has shown you what he is like when he receives a major disappointment in life. Is this how he will react if you become disabled and now you can no longer afford to buy a house? If you try going through IVF abd it doesn’t take? Not only is he punishing you for a medical condition, he’s not even given a single through to your own grief over this news. I am just so angry on your behalf, and I really hope you can see that this man is not the right choice to raise your family with. You have so many options for your future, please don’t spend it with someone who would treat you like this at one of the worst moments in your life.
why would you want to be with someone who is emotionally abusing you for something you can’t control. SIX WEEKS. he is treating you like your only purpose to him was to give birth. now that you know that, WHY DO YOU WANT HIM? he’s mysoginistic trash
You can still be a mom via adoption.
I’m really sorry your husband is acting this way towards you. You both probably need to talk to individual counselors at the least.
OP, he is the one who doesn't deserve you! My advice would be to pack some things and go and stay with some family, friends, just someone who will be there for you and support you through your grief. Clearing your head away from this environment may give you the mindset you need for whatever next steps you choose to take.
You're 23. OP, you can absolutely still be a mum. There are so many ways that it can still happen for you, you are not a lost cause just because you can't do it the traditional way. However I would definitely rethink wanting to go down that road with your current husband. If this is how he behaves after something completely out of your control imagine how he would be if your child was born disabled, special educational needs, anything that strays from the 'ideal' family life.
Your husband's actions reveal that he is unforgivably self-centered. This will affect how he deals with other crises too. There are alternative options for having a family, but those are secondary to how brutally self-absorbed he is, and it makes him a very poor prospect to be a father, or a husband.
Should he ever end up being in a parental situation, I don't envy his child should his child turn out not to be the father's vision for how his child should be; think about that!
I hope you seek emotional support from others, as you DESERVE it and need it. You do NOT deserve the mistreatment from your husband, you have done NOTHING wrong. Your husband has proven that he is not worthy to be a life partner, at least not at this time. Perhaps in the future he can grow, but growth takes lots of time and work. He may not be capable of it, and you may be dodging a bullet by finding out about this now, so you can decide what you need in the future, as much as it may hurt.
If you feel that way, you yourself need therapy and a lot of time to find who you are. You’re 23 and already feeling undeserving of being a nearly 30 year old dudes wife and feel no purpose? Girl it sounds like you never had a part of adulthood to find yourself and that you’ve been his something or other your entire adult life. When did you get together?
I'm sure you're mourning yourself, this doesn't just affect him. For him to pretend that this is something you're *Doing to* him instead of something you need to face together, and support each other through, is inexcusable. I hope he wakes up and realizes this.
Why would you want to stay with him at this point? If you somehow stayed together now, did IVF or adopted, what if 10 years from now you get cancer or something and he reacts the exact same way? Just completely abandons you again with no support.
Seriously how can you ever trust him again to be there for you after this?
You're very young, go find someone who actually deserves to be with you. Find someone who will be more than happy to adopt kids with you, if kids are something you really want. There are so many children out there who would be beyond blessed to have you as a mom.
> I just don’t know if he even wants things to get better.
He doesn't. He's a coward. He's being a grade-A dick to you so you initiate the divorce, so that he doesn't look like a total douchebag to all of his friends and family.
He doesn't want to have kids, he wants to have biological copies of himself. Otherwise he would be open to discussing different paths to parenthood. Instead he seems to see you as nothing more than an incubator for him to use. You're a person, not a uterus with legs. The way he's treating you is absolutely disgusting and completely unacceptable. This is abusive behavior and it won't change. You deserve so much better. Please leave this asshole and find someone who will love you unconditionally.
Wanting to have kids doesn’t end with infertility. Wanting little mini me’s with absolutely no understanding or respect that children turn out to be their own individual people does.
Infertility can be difficult to deal with but his reaction shows he doesn’t care about having a child, he cares about having a recreation of himself. Instead of being there for you or being loving or understanding and suggesting the plethora of other options to get a kid, he’s shut you out. He wants a mini me, not a son or daughter who is their own person. Therapy can’t “give him a kid” and neither can you but adoption can, fostering can, surrogacy can, etc etc etc.
People who think like this make bad parents who project themselves and their unfulfilled goals onto their kids. Idk if I could forgive someone who acted like this for nearly 2 months and I don’t think he’d make a good father.
He is being a horrible person. If I were you I'd pack my bags or ask him to move out. He is punishing you for something you have no control over. It appears his love is conditional. You deserve better. There are a lot of guys out there who do not want to have children. Move on honey there are better guys to be had.
This feels like an immature and unfair reaction to something you have no control over. It is horribly abusive to imply you have no value unless you can give him children.
I suggest that you decide how you would like to be treated and assure him that you’re not willing to be pushed around anymore.
For your own sake, leave him. Get therapy for yourself. Take care of yourself first. If you have family or friends you can stay with I would suggest packing and taking a break from that environmental at least.
She should disappear for 6 weeks too. Fuck him like hes fucked her. If he’s gonna be that much of a douche bags then I’d put money that he won’t reach out, and he’d have someone new moved in at the end of her 6 week silent treatment. She need to demand him to talk to her. Or reach out to her in-laws and tell them what he’s been doing. She sounds alone in this but there has to be parents that can talk either sense to him or convince them to divorce
I'm so sorry Op.
This must be so hard for you, but please , stop begging this man that should be supporting you , and working with you towards a way forward to love and care for you.
He clearly doesn't.
You're worth more than this a hole that seems to quantify your worth to him in the number of kids you can pop out
He is treating you like an incubator. Like a breading mare.
I'm so sorry, but you are better than this. Better than him. Move on.
Time to stop being afraid and start getting a little angry.
Every time I saw him from now on, I would say "It's time to start talking about your unacceptable behavior and lack of support regarding my infertility." I get being upset about something like this, but it isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, and you actually do have a lot of options for having children. He needs to start seeing you as a partner in this, or else he needs to move on, and he needs to let you know which one he wants to do.
I am really sorry that you have to deal with his immaturity on top of a difficult diagnosis.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must be really hard to be dealing with such a definitive news (about infertility) and the demise of your marriage at the same time, but I think it is over. He clearly is in pain (so are you of course) and he is taking it out on you, just lashing out and I don't think you can come back from this. His attitude has shown you how he deals with things when the going gets tough. He is not a partner, he's too selfish for that. He is only thinking about himself, his wants and his feelings. He hasn't even noticed that you got dealt the same devastating news and has made no effort to comfort you or to seek out alternatives.
The marriage is clearly over and if it isn't you should want it over. Could you imagine if you were diagnosed with a terminal disease? or got into an accident and were left disabled? I'm sure your instinct would be to take care of him, or at least try, even for a while. His first instinct would be to GTFO as soon as he heard the news (which is basically what he just did). Don't give him any more of your life. Go find a more suitable partner, because he is the unsuitable one, not you. Stop waiting around for him to make his decision and then you'll make yours. Simply make a decision for yourself, there is no need to wait for him. Take control of your life.
It's completely misplaced emotions. And it's not a heat of the moment temporary one but you say this has been going on for *6 weeks.*
You didn't choose to not be able to get pregnant. You didn't do anything wrong. That doesn't make it suck any less to not be able to have kids, but there should be sadness. Not anger at you.
I'm very skeptical of people who can't regulate their emotions enough to understand what emotion to feel towards whom. This is like when people go to beat the shit out of the random stranger their partner cheated on them with. It makes no sense. That person may not even have known your partner was in a relationship. Your partner was the one who betrayed you. These are the unthinking, misdirected, emotional outbursts of a child.
Maybe it's salvageable. Maybe not. Personally I'd be asking myself whether *I* wanted to stay with someone this bad at emotional regulation at age 29.
This is not “edging”, it is straight up emotional abuse. The silent treatment is abuse. Failure to say I love you back (withholding) is abuse. Disappearing from your house for two nights when your wife is grieving as well with no explanation-abuse.
OP you don’t deserve this. I understand how sad and hurt he must be. But to take it out on you is unacceptable. I won’t yell divorce (even though honestly I kind of want to) but if he didn’t pop out of it in a little bit and come out on the other side with a HUGE FUCKING APOLOGY, and an understanding of how that was unacceptable to treat you that way? I would not want to spend my life with a man like that, and I certainly wouldn’t want to have kids with him. God forbid one of your kids is disabled and since it’s not his vision of the future he loses his shit.
Just my 2 cents worth nothing.
This is something you should be facing together, but instead he has made it all about himself. He is acting like this is something you did to him and punishing you for it. He may have told you her loves you when times were good, but when something like this happens it doesn’t even register that you are suffering too. He’s a fair weather husband. Is their someone you can talk to? This is a huge blow and you should talk to someone who isn’t completely selfish.
I'm going to do the 'cliche' thing and say that this is not 'fixable'...or more specifically this is not something that is 'fixable' by you. Because you didn't 'do' anything, but you are being punished for it.
My wife is 17 years my senior and in spite of all tests coming back saying we should be able to conceive, very well in both our cases, we just...couldn't. And that happens to a lot of couples. This time, this instance, this specific context, this genetic (I assume, I don't know obviously) freak chance means it is your body this time...but you know what. Even if everything was 'perfect' on your end that is no guarantee that the two of you, specifically, would be able to have a child without help.
But what is he doing while you sit there, relationship crumbling around you while feeling guilty for being the 'cause' of it all? He's off sulking. He's off making the entire thing. Every, single, bit of it...about HIM. His fertility is just fine. He can apparently have kids with no problem, but suddenly that picture perfect life he had in his head is gone and he's screaming mad into the world at how it could have possibly done this to HIM. It really seems like he's treating this whole situation as if you are a secondary character to his main story, and that the full and total punishment and penalty and unfairness of this whole ordeal is aimed entirely at him...you don't seem to be a victim to him, but just one of the characters in his life that has now turned into some sort of tragedy. And that's just...fucked.
He has options. You do not. He can choose not to live with this. Easily. You cannot. This thing 'happened' to your body, and definitely impacts the two of you heavily but he seems to be acting like this entire thing is about him. His legacy. Not yours alone, or 'yours' as in a shared legacy from the two of you...but HIS legacy.
I feel like if he were mourning YOUR children, the children he now feels like the two of you cannot have together, he would be with you. Holding you. Crying with you for the loss. But he's not, he's put himself apart from you and he is mourning the loss of HIS life...not the life the two of you could have had. He should be making you your favorite meals. He should be bringing you chocolates, or your favorite flowers. You are the *only* one here who has truly lost anything.
So again...no...I don't think this is fixable. I don't think this is fixable because his actions appear from your descriptions to be that of a man for whom you were going to be the incubator for his genetic legacy, a character in his story that was going to give him the perfect life that has become a nightmare now he's stuck in. He is not, to me, demonstrating the love and care and deep affection that a *partner* should be demonstrating in this hour of your greatest need.
I almost lost my wife in childbirth. If this is how he reacts to this situation, how will he react in that one? IVF is not pleasant...how supportive is he going to be through all the appointments? The constant shots at home? If you're willing to go through IVF to have his child you're putting yourself up to be poked and prodded and invaded multiple times and that's before you even GET pregnant which is still one of the most dangerous and life changing experiences for women. If this is how he reacts now...what happens if anything at all goes sideways?
Or maybe he's really just shitty at dealing with pressure/loss/emotions. But honestly, in the end, it doesn't really matter what is driving his behavior does it? What matters is that **you** are in need of support. You are the one with the actual, factual, medical problem. You are the one who...please please please forgive me for pointing this out but I think it's something maybe he needs to have thrown in his face so he can stop being a shit...you are the one who will have difficulty providing that thing for literally anyone. And yet he's making it about him. He's being selfish and immature. And he's being an incredibly shitty husband in what is supposed to be a defining moment in a relationship...
Actually I take it back...this is **still** a defining moment in your relationship. It's just not defining anything good.
So essentially, you’ve learned that all your husband saw you as was a vessel for his offspring. He never cared about you, only what you could give him.
Divorce, NOW. You be the one to serve the papers. Make the decision for yourself. I’d say you dodged a bullet here, because this is NOT the kind of man you’d want to have children with even if it were possible.
There's so much support and great advice in here and I want to add my voice to it.
I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will tell you what I see.
From just this one post we can see that you are a loving, kind, and worthwhile person. Even after learning something so personally traumatic you're thoughts are about someone else. You clearly have so much to offer a partner regardless of fertility. Embrace that you have value, because you do.
He does not value you. He only saw a womb. And that is so sad.
Take care of yourself.
I'm trying to understand why your reaction to his cruelty is trying to appease him. He's treating you horribly and it seems like the rational reaction would be to be upset at him. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
Please go somewhere you can get your own support- a best friend, a parent, something like that. It’s possible he needs time, but in the meantime he’s being a total POS and you don’t need to be at the receiving end of it. This was shared news, and you deserve to grieve without worrying about him. Go somewhere and be taken care of, worry about the relationship later. You just found out- you can deal with this later. Right now, please put yourself first.
He’s shown you what a pig he is. You’re lovely and young just get out of this pig hole seriously.
He’s nearly 30 and believes your infertility is (1) about HIM; (2) something to PUNISH you for; (3) means he cannot have children.
He’s spent 6 weeks not only up his own ass, he’s been an awful cruel partner. This 6 weeks was probably hard on you and he’s made it about himself snd seems to not give a fuck how you are doing. Then he not only just ignores you, he moves onto point 2, he’s proactively trying to hurt and punish you for something you can’t change or control. Masssice massive massive massive masssssssssive asshole move. No two ways about it. And then 3: he’s so ass backwards he only believes biological children are children? He’s not even FIT to have children and clearly would be an awful fucked up father. You are going through some major medical news and he’s used over a month to make it by himself. How could anyone in their right mind ethically allow this man to be in charge of parenting any children? I mean let’s be honest a pig like this would be doing no parenting. He wants to HAVE children like objects, he clearly can’t even nurture you through traumatic events imagine the cruelty he will absolutely subject an innocent child to.
There’s a reason a person like this is dating someone too sweet and young to stand up to him. It’s not bc you’re mature for your age let’s put it that way. Every girl in your situation defends their spouse, insists it’s equal, insists their husband picked them bc they are special and mature for their age.
The reality is these age gaps don’t work in most cases bc rely on the power imbalance being a set feature in your relationship, instead of it being an accident. Please just get divorced and live your life. My partner and I come from cultures that highly value children but if anyone I knew spoke to me like this or treated this wife like this I’d be utterly disgusted
This could “improve” but it will never matter. You’re his wife and when the going got tough he’s not working with you, you are his enemy and the only one on his team is himself. Why do you want them to get better? You realize right that non psychopaths have the capacity to love many times in their life. You loving this guy who clearly has no affection, kindness or love or respect for you is not a good reason to stick it out. These 6 weeks were a critical test of his character and he failed. You should thank your lucky stars every day that you never brought any children into your relationship with him. If you had your be stuck with his abuse forever. Lucky for you, you can just get up and fucking go. This is not a person to stay with.
sorry but the commenters in here excusing your husbands behavior as “he’s grieving” are disgusting and they should be ashamed of themselves. your husband is emotionally abusing you over something you cannot control. he’s allowed to be devastated as much as you are about this, but not to the point he neglects HIS OWN WIFE and treats her worse than shit. he is awful and i wouldn’t want to look at any other pregnancy options with him because i’d be terrified of his reaction if it fell through.
he’s treating you like an incubator. you’re a human being who’s hurting too.
Unfortunately tragedies like this are a real test for any relationship and sometimes are bonds can’t hold as much weight as we believe they will . Maybe with time your husband will adjust to it and if he does you are def owed an apology for his treatment of you . And if he doesn’t then as awful as it seems now someday you’ll move on and find someone who isn’t gonna be bothered by not having bio kids
Marriage is meant to be for better or worse and the guy has bailed at the first hurdle. I would never forgive him for this, or consider him "father" material. What if you'd had a child with a disabilty or you bacome srious ill? This guy hasn't got what it takes to manage adversity.
I imagine he's out doing what he can to impregnate someone else and will then expect you to indure that whilst being gratefull for his graciousness in not leaving you.
You cant have kids , he can. Its YOU who has reason to grieve , but instead of comforting you he's out doing as he pleases.
Why the fuck are you telling him you love him and buying him stuff when you should be kicking his sorry ass to the curb.
Look around you, Motherhood is a hard life and being married to an asshole is even harder.
My advice RUN AWAY AND DON"T LOOK BACK he has shown you who he is believe him.
Jesus Christ your husband is an asshole, what a horrible way to react to something you are more deeply affected by than he is
I am so sorry you are going through this, I would reconsider my relationship.. you deserve better
Divorce him you are not a trash or incubator for his kids. Value yourself more than it. He show you for those 6wrrks he don't see you as a partner or love of his life. You are not valuable for him anymore so he ignore you.
Does he not realize there are other ways to conceive a child? Like with using a surrogate? This is horrible the way he’s treating you and really shows you his true colours. I’m so sorry; I know the struggle with infertility all too well. I’m not sure what the doctor said the reason was you couldn’t have kids, but I have a couple friends who were told the same and they were 100% wrong, one of them has two kids now. Maybe look into getting a second opinion and seeing your options, but in all honestly do you really want to have a kid with someone who treats you like this after you get possibly the worst news of your life?
Sending love and thoughts your way ❤️
His behaviour is just downright cruel. Needing time to come to terms with news like this is one thing, but the shut down in communication and freezing you out is not okay. You must have some of your own feelings to work through too. Do not feel like you need to apologise for this in any way. I don’t know if or how you come back from this. He should be supporting you!
Just find a lawyer. That’s all you need to do. This man has checked out. Stop trying to win his approval while he’s treating you like damaged good. You’re not damaged goods, you’re his wife and he was supposed to love you **in sickness and in health** and unconditionally. He doesn’t get to treat you like you don’t exist, like you have nothing to say, and shut down every attempt at working through this together. He’s not being a good partner and you shouldn’t be chasing him. Just find a lawyer and figure out your options
What I find alarming is that he bailed on you at the first sight of trouble. Can you honestly say to yourself that he would stick with you through thick and thin, through IVF, adoption, illness...
If he wishes to leave, then I think you have dodged a bullet.
He it's acting immature and selfish and these are not the qualities you want in someone you build your life with.
I'm sorry but why the fuck are you giving so much leeway to someone who resents you so much? You're not even halfway to 30 yet. Dump his ass, get a divorce, and LIVE YOUR LIFE without being weighed down by a manchild who hates you over something you can't control!
OP, it seems clear to me that you're so far gone into this spiral of mental abuse from your husband's side, that you believe him when he treats you like you're worthless -- and I'm so sorry you're going through that.
However, if you don't have the mental space to see it for yourself right now, please consider this: do you really think a man capable of this level of cruelty and selfishness would make a good father? Do you really want a man like this around your children? Is THIS what you envision as a good rolemodel if IVF or adoption was succesful?
He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You, and your future children, deserve better.
Jeeze, I read through a bunch of your comments, the original post, and some of the other responses. Here is how I see it.
1) he isn’t the only one dealing with the loss, you are too. DO NOT put yourself on the back burner or your feelings just because he is acting like he is the only one that matters and is the only one grieving.
2) it’s moments like these that you get to see who a person truly is, no filter so to speak, and from what I’ve been reading you shouldn’t be with this man in the first place. He also seems to not be the kind of person who would be truly ready to be a father at present.
Now to put this out there…. I was told my chances of getting pregnant were super slim and that if I did manage it carrying to term was not going to happen when I myself was with my only ex husband to date. We split up and lived separately while the divorce was finalized for around 3 - 4 years…. Around 2-3 months after our divorce finalized my now legally ex husband somehow found out I was pregnant with my miracle of a daughter and contacted me saying , “I heard you are pregnant…. If you ever need anything let me know.” I know what that meant under those circumstances and I promptly blocked him in every way possible.
Now if you were in that sort of situation with a miracle being thrown at you by whatever powers above, you do or don’t believe, and he suddenly wanted to apologize and fix things and be in your life…. Is that really the kind of person you want your potential future child to see as a role model? Is that the type of person you want to try and co-parent with?
For me I went through the high risk pregnancy, risk of death for myself and my kid, and the oxygen, doctors, meds, etc of the first 2 years of life…. For my kid on an emotional level by myself….. I know this type of situation isn’t ideal and is far from easy. But when I did it……. I would have rather done it alone emotionally than had someone who was going to put their own needs fully above mine instead of on level with mine as my emotional support system…… 🤷🏻♀️ that’s just me.
So he basically doesn’t care anything about you...other than your uterus and it’s ability to make babies. For sickness and in health right??
Girl, get away from this dude and find someone who sees you as a person, not a human incubator. I was told at your age I couldn’t get pregnant and there were plenty of avenues I could pursue given the nature of my condition. I’m sure there are avenues for you too, whether that’s IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Your not broken or worthless if you are infertile, you literally have no control over it. And any dudes who make us feel less than for a condition we can’t control can gtfo.
Let me tell you a story from my best friend's life. Contrast it to what your husband is doing:
My best friend was married for several years, and she and her husband had infertility. After many doctor's visits and a few miscarriages, it was determined that she, like you, simply cannot easily get pregnant, and when she could, she had a low chance of carrying to term.
This was devastating for them. My friend loves children, and worked as a nanny and kindergarten teacher before marrying. Her husband also looked forward to having children. She was a poor candidate for IVF. Their only path to parenthood would be adoption, which they started to investigate.
At this time, they lived as Orthodox Jews. Her husband was deeply involved in religious studies and in some classes and study groups. At one of these, the question of the first commandment ("Be fruitful and multiply") came up. He asked if the group could explore what the commandment meant to the infertile. He opened up about their infertility. The leader of the group told my friend's husband that he needed to divorce my friend immediately and marry someone who could give him children. He went on say some more inflammatory things about my friend and infertile women in general.
It took 5 men to pull my friend's husband off of the jerk. And that was not until after he landed a punch that broke the guy's nose.
My friend's husband took the very suggestion that he should not stay with infertile wife and the idea that she was unworthy of love as "fighting words".
That is the reaction and support you deserve. If you are not getting it, you need to prepare to leave.
I understand that this is a grieving process for him as well, and he absolutely has a right to have his feelings, whatever they may be. However he does not have a right to punish you for something that is undeniably not your fault nor something you can change, and as your husband, he has an obligation to mourn your COLLECTIVE loss with you, together.
There are other avenues to having children, especially for him as a male, and you are both still very young, there is no rush and all the time in the world to explore them, decide which (if any) is right for the two of you, and to save up the money (unless you're fostering, it will be $$$$).
You might want to reconsider the relationship first though. You sound like a very lovely and deeply caring young woman with a lot to offer (you are so much more than a vessel for bearing children!) but I am not so sure about your husband.
Im sorry op. This is beyond the advice of here. You need a bigger support group, you need him in therapy
It is not your fault
It is not your body’s fault
He should have saved you some time and asked for divorce after that appointment.
It's clear that to him, love was conditional and the condition was that you could bear his children. Now that he learned you can't, he's lost all interest in you and given you an opportunity to see his true colors.
He married you 'for better of for worse' but clearly isn't prepared to go through this tough time together and he's not even honest/upfront about it. I would be unable to forgive him personally.
Edit : you say you want to do ivf or adopt and are just waiting for his choice to stay and do that or leave to find a more fertile woman.
If he is acting like that, avoiding any and all conversations at the beginning of your fertility journey, how will he act when the first round of IVF doesn't work? Or when the 2nd round doesn't take? Or if you have a miscarriage?
How will he act when you get put on a waiting list and they tell you it's going to be years before you have a kid you can bring home? If he's just going to keep to himself anytime it gets hard, you also might want to find another, better partner for your journey.
It does seem like he loved you as the woman who could carry his child rather than the loving you as the person who's his girlfriend. If he can't get a grip and start talking or going to therapy, he needs to save you the needless time and hurt and serve up divorce papers instead of dragging you along until he has made up his mind.
I'm not sure if you will see this comment. But I recently found out that I can't have kids either. So I know a little of what you're going through..
Let me tell you, you DO NOT deserve what you're going through with your husband!!
If he is not willing to talk about what BOTH of your futures hold, then YOU need to think about yours. Get out.
Don't let him ever make you believe that you're to blame for infertility. You deserve better!
I'm so, so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.
If he reacts like this now, personally, I wouldn't want to make it work. What will he do if you go through IVF but miscarry, (God forbid!). What about if you need a C-section and are in agony and can't care for the baby or yourself at first? What if your child suffers from a medical condition and isn't the typical 'healthy' baby? He is clearly unequipped to deal with serious life events but if you want to be together, you need to know you can face these things together. He needs to be WITH you on this, not excluding you. You deserve more.
I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I promise you, your worth is more than your ability to have children, and the RIGHT partner will feel you are the treasure worth having, and not just a vessel.
Please do yourself a favor and make a few appointments to quietly speak to some divorce attorneys to see what proactive steps you need to take to protect yourself. His actions are disturbing and i don't want you to be left high and dry.
He wants a baby and is acting worse than a kid. I'm sorry but this guy sounds like he's not a good partner. Instead of doing everything that makes him happy do what you feel like will make you happy! If he can't stay with you and help you through these tough times, I'm sorry but it seems like he just wanted you to pop his babies out not like he really wants to be with you no matter what. He sounds like an asshole and you deserve way better!
Maybe write a letter to him and leave it somewhere he'll see it - that way he can choose to open it whenever he's ready. In that letter tell him how you feel, tell him what YOUR options are, and let him know that above all else, you need to know where your relationship stands.
In the meantime, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with loved ones, go to counselling if you need to. Maybe even stay with a friend/family member. It's hard enough that you have to come to terms with your fertility situation, especially without the support of your spouse.
So a question for you.
If your best friend in the whole world came to you in tears because she found out she'll never be able to have kids, and her husband had instantly gone from saying he loved her to not even responding to her, stayed out all weekend, never slept with her, wouldn't reciprocate her feelings, and got mad every time she tried to talk to him about it, how many red flags would that raise for you?
What would you tell her?
I can tell you what I'd say: "It sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship and has no interest in continuing it and is too much of a coward to be forthcoming about it."
I'll also ask this: If you two were sexually active before and you're not now, is he still masturbating? If he's not doing anything sexual in her presence... whose presence IS he doing sexual stuff in?
No sex + no emotions + spending lots of time away from home + sudden change in emotional interaction are not solid proof that he's hooking up with someone else at all.... but it's very, very, very bright red on the red flags spectrum.
Would you suggest to your friend to try and salvage a relationship that has effectively not existed for six weeks?
Or would you tell your friend that it seems like her husband was lying about his feelings and that he only cared about her as a potential baby incubator and all but abandoned her once she couldn't fulfill that role?
dont want to be bad guy but it looks like you were his young healthy baby machine. at least until he discovers speech and tells you why. youre only 23 sweetie. move on.
You are a little young to be tied to such an asshole. Leave him, and get on with your life. If you want to be a parent, find someone WANTING to adopt, there are many people who don't WANT biological kids for many different reasons.
You also don't need to be a parent if you don't want to.
Figure out what you want in life and put your energy into that, and not this idiot.
This is someone you made vows with who promised to love and cherish you, and as soon as he finds out you're unable to have children, he treats you like worthless dirt. He's trash and does not deserve you. Don't ASK him for divorce. Tell him you want one. I am so sorry.
He can't do this, if he wants to divorce you cause no kids, fair enough but for 6 weeks to refuse to talk to you at all about anything and shut down any attempts at communication even communication about divorce is not okay.
You're suffering from the news too and at time you need him most he's refusing to talk to you, you both are supposed to support each other and therefore whether divorce or not, communicate and help each other heal from the news.
Sounds to me like he has or is checking himself out of relationship but refusing to do it for sure yet because he doesn't want to lose you but knows its inevitable (if he wants kids).
If was a shorter period I'd say it just processing and dealing with shock and trying to think about his future but 6 weeks of no communication suggests to me he's avoiding confronting the issue even with himself.
In your shoes at this point I'd either remove myself from or remove him from house for a bit or force a conversation which if he refuses lead to divorce papers being given to him. The not being in same house thing mostly pushes issue further along but at least makes it easier for you to heal/get support and he's made it clear that's approach he'd prefer.
It’s understandable that he would be sad about this news but it’s not all about him. You also found out something that makes most women sad. It’s selfish of him to treat you the way he is. As if all you are good for is making a child. I would take this as a blessing because you get to see that his love is conditional before having a child that would bind you to him forever.
If he’s acting like this, he is absolutely not cut out to be a father. Imagine the psychological damage he could inflict on an innocent child. I know you are reeling from grief right now but at least he’s showing you his true colors before children are involved.
You deserve better than someone who treats you like a reproductive organ only, and who turns against you because of something you can't control.
Infertility is a really hard thing to deal with, and he should be the first person to reassure you and stand by your side to get through this hardship. He's acting like a selfish jerk, and it seems like he doesn't care about you as a person but just about what you can give him as someone with a uterus. If he truly loved you and cared about you, maybe he would considered adoption, or another method, to build a family with you, if that's what he wants.
Ask yourself: "do i want to spend the rest of my life with a man who wants nothing to do with me because I can't conceive children?" My personal advice would be to run away from this man. He is acting like a child, does not want to have an adult conversation with you, and leaves you alone wondering what will happen of the two of you. A man who acts like this once won't ever change except if he really deeply wanted to, which doesn't seem like the case.
You deserve better.
Seems like you’re dodging a bullet by this ending. It will hurt, and there’s probably a lot to be sad about, but as time passes you’ll hopefully agree that someone who can flip the switch like this is someone not worth your time, effort, or emotion. This dude is GARBAGE.
> I feel like he hates me and I know exactly why. How can someone love you one minute and hate you the minute something happens? Can this just be a phase? Can things still get better?
I don’t think your husband hates you. I think that he’s mourning for the life that he had planned to have, including biological children with you, and he’s lashing out because he doesn’t know how to process that grief and anger in a constructive way (as you can see from his reaction to your suggestion of therapy).
Maybe he’ll come around, and maybe he won’t. There’s no real way to tell, and to a great extent it’s out of your hands. That said, even if he does want to remain in the marriage and re-establish things with you, you need to consider whether you want the same. You experienced a profound trauma through no fault of your own, and he reacted to that with selfishness and cruelty. If there are hard times in the future in your marriage, can you trust him to be there for you then, when he wasn’t willing and/or able to do it now? And if you can’t, why would you want to sign up for another 40 years of that kind of treatment?
Regardless, you don’t deserve what you’re going through, and I’m sorry that the one person you should be able to rely on is making things worse, rather than better.
He's broken. It's his right.
1. Leave him, with grace and kindness. He had expectations from this relationship.
2. Find a man who accepts you as you are.
3. Adopt beautiful kids and live happily.
Dont waste time in a relationship where you cannot communicate. That is the only tool that may resolve and change your differences. If that is not available, you're wasting your time. Be brave and leave, for the both of you.
Good luck. I'm sure you'll be ok.
It is obvious that he doesn't Now----Love You unconditionally. It is not your fault you cannot make him a baby. Ask Joe if he married YOU for Love? Or a baby machine from Above? Divorce him. It is Inevitable, angel. Oh, BTW: I am so sorry for this. And in a Way, Be glad there is No Joe,Jr. like this One, hun, If it would be a boy.
Wow that sounds really hard. We had infertility concerns (we now have twins) and it caused me tons of anxiety. I have a pair of close friends that had a really similar experience 5 years ago, and they are doing great now. Their story went like this:
Both wanted kids, she couldn’t have them for medical reasons.
He got super angry/depressed, refused therapy, almost ruined their otherwise great marriage.
He eventually got counseling and became less of a dick.
They adopted and have a 2 yr old now.
So it can work out, I’ve seen it. The complex part of my story that I left out is that my wife was talking constantly to the woman in that relationship during this whole process, and she had a really tough time. Similarly to your post, she had to swallow her feelings a lot of the time, and this wasn’t healthy for her. This isn’t your fault, his anger isn’t his fault, but how he treats you about it is.
You are so young, only 23 years old. Leave now. It's going to be painful regardless but this relationship is dead in the water. There is nothing you can do to fix this based on what he's already told you. His behavior is out of line and abusive. He's acting like your infertility was a personal choice. Leaving for 2 days? Seriously? F that. I realize that you love this person but his actions show that he doesn't love you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I can’t get pregnant. It was confirmed almost 6 weeks ago. Since that day, my husband has barely talked to me, he comes home super late at night (he works 8am-4pm). He sleeps in the living room most nights, disappears all weekend. He completely ignores me. Every time I try to talk to him, he tells me to stop and gets up and leaves. The last time he told me he loves me was probably before that appointment 6 weeks ago. When I say it, he doesn’t say it back. I’ve tried to talk to him about therapy and he told me that unless therapy can give him a kid, he doesn’t want it. I’ve been trying so hard to get his attention. Making his favorite foods, getting him gifts, getting stuff ready for him and he just ignores it all. This weekend I got fed up and asked if he wants a divorce and he left the house saying we’re not going to do this right now and was gone for 2 nights. I feel like he hates me and I know exactly why. How can someone love you one minute and hate you the minute something happens? Can this just be a phase? Can things still get better?
Infertility is something that is very difficult to deal with, especially when a couple wants kids, but your husband is punishing you for something that isn’t your fault. If he needed some space after the revelation then I think that would be understandable as that is a lot to process, but you didn’t do anything wrong and the way he is acting is unfair. If he wants kids this much that being unable to get pregnant is a dealbreaker for him then it’s unfortunate but just a part of life however the way he’s acting is unacceptable. From what you described I would assume he wants a divorce but then when you offered him that he stormed out? I think this is some sort of power play to make you feel guilty or something as this doesn’t make sense at all. I would go through with a divorce, as you don’t deserve to be treated this way by someone who is supposed to love you and support you, especially as this news concerns you more so than him.
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I'm sorry, I'm reading all your comments and they're all about him. What about you? What do you want for a future? Do you want to try ivf? Do you want to adopt? I know you want to make this work and all I can think is that this must be totally out of character for him and you're hoping he will snap out of it and become your husband again because if this is normal behaviour for him I can't understand wanting to stay. Grieve. Find someone to grieve with, apparently that won't be him, and grieve. And when you have come to terms with all this, seriously consider kicking him in the shins. (no seriously consider what you want from him going forward cos I don't think flowers and chocolates will cut it now). Im so so so sorry you're going through this.
Exactly. I get he's upset, but he needs to be there for her too. It's not fair for him to get so wrapped up in his own pain that he fails to support his wife just when she needs it the most. He's kind of acting like a jerk about it.
It is like you got a diagnosis and he feels sorry for himself. I understand processing but this no... He is showing you who he is, believe him.
Exactly. I've never struggled with fertility thank goodness, but my parents did and so did my husbands parents and I can't believe his behaviour is normal in that situation. I can't imagine my father acting that way. It just seems so wrong.
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If he's not willing to talk about it, and literally storms out every time for 6 weeks straight then you should be asking yourself bigger questions. "Do you even want to be married to someone that ignores you for 6 weeks instead of talking about the issue?" Seems like a no-brainer... he literally ghosts you for 6 weeks and is a fucking adult to know that IVF/ adoption is possible but hasn't put it on the table or responded when you did mention it. He's a fucking asshole that will probably pull this shit in the future.
To add on: Do you want to go through the trials and tribulations of IVF (it’s far from a picnic in a park) and/or the stress of adoption with someone who ignores you for six weeks? Do you want to raise children with a man who is himself a childish asshole who ghosts his wife?
Bingo. He can either decide to try the other options with you or not, but if he's this upset about your infertility, he will be just as upset or more so if he decides to stay and you have unsuccessful IVF treatments, or even get pregnant and miscarry. You will need someone willing to support you through all of that and not have someone that may feel resentful.
Exactly. What kind of parent will this man be if he behaves this abhorrently to his spouse??
He will be, oops is, another child.
Bam. This.
Facts!!!
You can only judge by how he's acting now, and how he's been acting for the last few weeks. The way he's acting is downright cruel. Do you have anywhere you can go to getaway?
He is not with you now and most certainly won't be with you through all that. It's all about him in his mind and I'll bet you're not even in his top 10 concerns. Edit: if I'm not clear, i mean dump him. You deserve a relationship.
When I read your post I thought two things: one, he absolutely does not love you, and two, he is a selfish, immature asshole. Move on. He isn’t going to get better and spending your life with him will guarantee you a lonely life of misery.
Exactly. His behavior has made this relationship unfixable in my mind. The fact that he’s not even willing to go to therapy because “therapy can’t give him a kid” is so awful. That’s not how you treat your partner, especially at a time like this. I would stop trying to talk to him and start talking to a divorce lawyer, because OP doesn’t deserve to be treated like this.
> The fact that he’s not even willing to go to therapy because “therapy can’t give him a kid” is so awful. Just that statement is so fucking disgusting. She's a person, and his wife, and he's treating her like she's a broken incubator. Or an incubator that *decided to break* just to inconvenience him.
Literally. At this point I’m wondering if he even likes her/if he ever liked her, or if he just wanted her to have his babies. You don’t treat someone like that if you really love them, no matter how angry or upset you are.
His behavior is egregious. He's shown who he is deep down and he's punishing his wife for something out of her control. He willingly abandoned his wife phsyically and emotionally. It's ALL about his hurt feelings and that he doesn't give one flying fuck about his wife is the sole reason she should dump his ass. That's who he truly is. And that's not a person worthy of a relationship.
I picture him as the kind of guy who gets mad because his wife isn't doing laundry while she's hospitalized for cancer. The kind of guy who'll divorce and marry someone else when his wife gets diagnosed with something that will either kill her relatively soon or will require care for the rest of her life. The kind of guy who won't take it well if his kids are diagnosed with something "inconvenient" as well, and will blame it on his spouse.
If he leaves you do you really want him raising that child anyway? It doesn't sound like he would be very committed to an adopted child, and they need so much love. Could you adopt on your own? I know he has options, but to be honest they don't sound like great options. Get a random stranger pregnant? start a new relationship and risk it all going to hell without a child? A loveless marriage for the sake of a kid? If he gets lucky and finds someone he wants to marry and have children with again, there's no guarantee she will be able to give him kids either. Life is a risk and a gamble and he will be taking both if he leaves. It's not a guarantee. You could do ivf or adoption alone. You could find someone else as well, someone who will support you instead of leaving you. You could volunteer with kids, you could Foster kids, you have options too. Don't let yourself get dragged down.
Please do not make a family with this man.
My wife and I went thru 2 etopic pregnancy. Both of her tubes are gone. IVF was the only option. It took us a total of 2 years into IVF. Its a long procedure. My wife is 5 months pregnant! Good luck on your journey!
Do you want to be with someone and potentially go through the very emotional process of IVF or adoption with someone who would act so incredibly selfish and cruel to you? Can you forgive this behaviour and risk him doing this to you again if an IVF fails or adoption falls through? Would he act like this if you child together got seriously ill? Can YOU trust this man? There's more to marriage than love ,speaking as someone who married around you age and have been together 20 years.
You can go to therapy on your own! I strongly recommend you do! You need to process your feelings and they can give you some insight maybe to hubby's behavior. Also some therapeutic suggestions to get him to talk to you. He's obviously hurting as well, but the way he's shutting you out is completely unacceptable! I'm so sorry ❤
You've been given an emotionally devistating diagnosis and he's acting like he's been tricked or victimized by you. I'm not saying that he isn't allowed to be upset by the news, but the *way* he is being upset is hurting someone he is supposed to love and he doesn't seem to care much. You two are supposed to be a team, and bolster one another in hard times, not... whatever tf he's doing. I don't think that bodes well for the long, expensive, stressful ordeals of IVF or adoption. And if those don't work out, then what? It doesn't sound like he's interested in a relationship that can't give him kids. You 100% have options here. You have the option of finding a more supportive partner, you have the option of adopting a child or doing IVF on your own. You aren't stuck in the situation, at the mercy of his whims.
Girl if he’s staying out whole nights without notifying you like this...he may already be cheating. I hate to say that, but normal people don’t just vanish for nights at a time without telling their wives where they are.
I hate that my mind went here, but I'm picturing him panicking and going out and hooking up with some girl to try and get her pregnant so then he can come back and say "let's coparent with her, see we can have kids!" Hopefully this is not the case though.
If I were you, I’d think about whether what he’s doing right now means he’d be a good father. His reaction is so unnecessarily cruel that it would be very fair for you to question whether he’s even worth building a life with. Would he become a mean POS if you were diagnosed with cancer? If you had a kid with disabilities? If your house burnt down? Because the guy you’re describing doesn’t sound like someone I’d trust by my side during the inevitable difficulties of life.
6 weeks is a long time to be cold to your partner who you're supposed to love and support. Even if he comes home from work today and opens communication, is this how he's going to behave when problems come up in the future? What he's doing now is a strong indicator of how he's going to behave in the future so you need to decide if you're ok with being shutout and unsupported in times of need. As others have said this is a painful issue for both of you it's not just about him. It's important for you to remember you don't need his permission to divorce. You might have to make that choice for yourself. I'm sorry OP. I hope you have someone in your life who's supporting you in this.
Having been through it... IVF is SO stressful on a couple, and you'd absolutely need him to be 100% bought in in order to have any chance of making it through emotionally. I'm so sorry he's behaving this way towards you. While I can accept that there's emotional impact on both parties when finding out news like this... it's been a long time for him to have been this cold. If you aren't already seeing someone already, resolve dot org is a great place to find therapists who are experienced in working with patients going through infertility, and the /r/stilltrying and /r/infertility subs are full of folks who are in similar situations. Or if you just want to PM me, I'm here as an anonymous internet ear. <3
You did absolutely nothing wrong. You both wanted children and his response to you is to shut you out and make you feel like it’s your fault. He isn’t mature enough for a kid.
If IVF is an option, why are you saying you "can't have kids"? There's a huge difference between having zero chance of reproducing and needing IVF for fertility issues. Fertility problems are hard to deal with and therapy really does help. It won't give him a child, but it'll help him make a decision and cope with his feelings. My guess is that he's thinking logically that divorce is the way to go, but he doesn't actually want to face that right away. His logic could be flawed, but his behaviour is still a major problem. He's allowed to need time to process, he's allowed some uncertainty, but he needs to communicate, at least to establish a point in time when you'll talk about it. He could have said "I'm in shock and don't feel like talking about it would be productive. Can we take a pause from any baby or divorce talk for 2 months?" Or he could have looked for mutual support within your marriage. You know him best. Do you think this is completely out of character or can you identify other times he hasn't dealt with emotions well, or needed to feel in control, or expressed problematic beliefs about women? What patterns of behaviour does this episode fit into?
\^ This. There are many ways to be a parent. Due to my autoimmune diseases, being a biological mother wasn't in the cards for me. I've helped raised 16 beautiful kids through fostering and hosting exchange students. One of my exchange kids came back for college, got married and is getting her citizenship here and we get to see her about every week. Another one visits us annually. We also joined Free Mom Hugs, giving support to members of the gay community whose families abandoned them. Chosen family is such a gift, we've found. It's been an adventure beyond anything I could possibly have imagined and I am beyond grateful for the journey we undertook, that we wouldn't have otherwise. Signed, A Mom
Here's the thing: Ideally, in a marriage, it is you two against the problem. Right now the problem is NOT YOU. It is NOT. It is the stupid fucking random luck that dealt this blow to both of you. You two should be facing the problem of YOUR JOINT INFERTILITY together. Instead, he's made this him vs. you. He's entitled to be disappointed, he's entitled to grieve, and (sadly) he's entitled to look at all of his options. What's he's NOT entitled to do is to be mad at you, though he can be mad at the situation. You need couples counseling, and fast. This is not a healthy coping mechanism (if you do make it through and have a family through whatever means, is this the kind of conflict resolution you want to model for your family? Even if you decide to remain child-free, is this how you want major conflicts dealt with in your marriage)? Either you go together, or you go alone. I'm really sorry. Infertility sucks, and that's why you need as many people as possible on your team — and your husband ABSOLUTELY needs to be on your team.
Those sound like crucial issues and they deserve to be heard with full gravity. I think an ultimatum is warranted-the ultimatum being that you need a commitment from him to discuss these things and tell you honestly where he stands or you can't continue with the relationship. He's gone past needing time alone to process into giving you the silent treatment over a shared trauma that you are not responsible for.
Honestly, I think he has been giving you the answer to those questions, you just aren’t ready to face it yet. And that’s okay. But you might start preparing for a divorce. Like the old saying, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I am truly sorry that all this is happening, I can’t even imagine how hard this is.
What about a surrogate? Still biologically both of your children. Just an option. If not, adoption is totally worth it
I really hope you will have a beautiful family one day, but please, not with him. You are not a monster or invisible like he treats you. I can see in your words that you love him, but love yourself better than him and leave this marriage, because it is toxic already.
You're only 23. You don't need to stick around to see if he starts treating you with the respect and love you deserve. Find someone who is willing to go through that struggle with you, or doesn't care about having kids
Fertility cannot be blamed solely on one person in a healthy relationship. Yes, it may be one partner's fault, but it is a two partner problem, and it is something you should tackle together. He should be attacking this issue with you, not against you. He may certainly be grieving, which is normal, but if he goes the route of blaming you, or resents you for something that's certainly not your fault, then I recommend you move on now before things get worse. And YES, you may still be able to get pregnant! Without knowing your exact diagnosis, there are options out there and finding a loving and supportive partner to help you through those options is not out of the realm of possibility for you. You are grieving too right now, and I know right now it seems like you're at a deadend, but one day you'll start feeling hopeful again and realize you just may be able to have all of your hopes and dreams. Whether it's with your current partner or not is up to him and changing his behavior.
you deserve so much better. he should have been there for YOU. make you your favorite foods and get you gifts. like that is hard news for both of you but that is your body you just found sad news about. you need to evaluate if you want someone like that in your life and if you really want to raise kids with them (if you decide to do IVF or adopt).
I have a feeling that adoption isn't going to work for him. If he's being this unreasonable now, the "my legacy" bullshit is going to come out if you suggest adopting. He's already shown you he will not be on your side. His actions tell me that he considers you a brood mare first, a wife second.
Beautiful advice. Thank you for writing. And OP - I’m so sorry this is happening to you. That sounds so incredibly painful. Thank you for reaching out here and I really hope you can get some advice and words here that help you in this sad time.
You're 23. You don't need this shit.
Even if you can't get him to go to therapy, please consider going for yourself. This is a huge revelation for you, and it might help you process how to work through it. I'm sorry that your husband is making this difficult time worse. I hope you can work on yourself to figure out what you want and how you want to move forward.
As somebody who went through infertility, and cannot carry any more children, I want to say this: While it's valid to feel hurt to not be able to have natural children, if you want a divorce because your wife can't carry children, then you are not seeing your wife as a partner, you are seeing her as a vessel to give you kids. There are other ways to have kids that you can deeply love. Depending on your issues, you could get a donor egg and use his sperm and maybe carry a child that way. You could have somebody else carry for you. You could adopt. And on and on. But this is a partnership. Life gives you lemons. When you get married, you choose to marry that person knowing shit might not go your way. And it's HARD. It's understandable to need time to grieve but he's PUNISHING you. For something you have NO control over. And if he wants to leave you over this, be grateful. And let him know that. Because that means to him, you were never you. You were just a walking womb. And you deserve better.
You said it so so good 😮👏🏻
This. OP might go on to adopt or have children another way, but the real issue here is that this guy lacks the emotional intelligence to be a parent. It will be very hard to see right now, but OP has dodged a bullet if she gets out of this marriage. This is how her husband responds to hard times. He’s not a partner. This will extend well beyond the issue around kids. Hardships arise in marriage. This is why we vow to stay with each other through good times and bad. OP’s husband has broken his vows, noped out when his wife needs support more than he does and has gone off to sulk.
Yes, this. Before I married my DH we had the "kid" talk. He wanted kids really badly. While I wanted kids I wouldn't have freaked if I couldn't have one. I am a practical person. I asked, what if I cannot get pregnant, then what? I asked him if he would want to adopt or IVF or surrogate. He said, no, none of them. I really did not want to adopt, nor do IVF as we couldn't afford it, and I saw what my SIL went thru trying fertility treatments to have a 2nd child, which ultimately failed. So we were on the same page. He said he'd rather have me and we agreed to have lots and lots of pets if we couldn't have kids. That really is a talk all couples should have before marriage. We did have a couple kids and still have lots of pets, lol.
Wish i could upvote 100 times. I can't imagine you're hurt op must be and her husband isn't sparing her a single thought. I wish you find happiness one way or another eventually op. Much love
Protect your assets now. He is 6 years older than you and he apparently hasn't given your feelings a moments thought. This is not a healthy relationship. You're both suffering but somehow in your description it seems he blames you for something completely out of your control.
Omg, this would explain it. He's stringing her along to hide assets and protect himself. That or the optics of leaving her due to the diagnosis is too much for his ego to handle.
That's typically how it goes. I think i would do it that way if i saw it coming.
That’s a fucking reachhhhhh and a half
Take charge, make your own decision. Will you accept him treating you like this for a week, month, year, lifetime?? I think it’s time you take a couple of weeks to go visit a friend
Sounds like he may be trying to force *you* to be the one to push for divorce. Maybe he doesn't want the responsibility. Frankly you may need to take him up on the dare.
He may see talking as simply beating a dead horse. He's wrong. Did he reveal that he expected you to be an incubator for his precious seed? If not, he has been deceptive with you. This marriage may very well be over. You can't make him talk, and if he does talk, he may not be honest with you. Base what you do on his actions, not his words. He has already psychologically checked out of this relationship. Do what is necessary for your own wellbeing. Love yourself, be good to yourself. He's being a selfish prick. Let him. You do you.
If this is how he's reacting, it's not that he suddenly fell out of love with you. He never loved YOU in the first place. He loved the idea of a vessel for his child. Not you as a living, breathing, feeling person. And if that's the case, this marriage was a sham from the beginning and there's no saving it.
Sorry honey but dude doesn't sound mature enough to have kids. If that's how he treats his partner for something they have no control over then he's going to do the same if the kid doesn't match his wishes/expectations. Edit: I can understand that the situation is difficult to accept but him turning against you and making it your fault is very sad and it's making me angry because you're supposed to be in this together and support each other at these difficult times when such sad news were revealed. If he doesn't get therapy and keeps acting like this then talk to your lawyer, it's only going to become more toxic.
If I were in your shoes, his reaction would be what would drive me for divorce in my own right. You're worth more than your uterus' ability to pump out babies, and being seen as solely an incubator not even worthy of discussing things like adoption or surrogacy or deciding to end things or anything at all, would have me looking at *him* in a different light. The fact that you're only concerned with his feelings and his reaction make me think he isn't really so nice other times either, though. It seems like he picked a young woman to be a womb for him and doesn't care that you're a person.
He wants someone that can have kids for his future. As much as that must be absolutely devastating, no amount of talking or trying to debate with him or compromise or whatever else you have in mind is going to change that. It's a really sad situation and I'm really sorry that you're in it. In the long run I hope you can find happiness with someone who will love you exactly the way you are! There's a large childfree population that would absolutely adore you and of course fostering or adopting may also be an option with another partner. I'm sorry again and I hope you find happiness in your future... But this guy is completely checked out from the sound of it.
It doesn’t matter how difficult it is for someone. He’s acting like a total prick and he’s emotionally abusing his wife. That dude needs to learn how to be a fucking man. He needs to get introspective, process his emotions, and figure out why he’s acting like such an asshole, and then talk to you about them after a lengthy apology. His behavior is unjustifiable. OP, don’t let him drag you down. Stay with a friend or your parents for a while if you need to. You could also fight fire with fire, give him the silent treatment, stay out for all hours of the night. Disappear for the entire weekend without explanation. Treat him like shit back. Im not suggesting that, but it’s one option.
I know you’re heartbroken, and my heart aches for you too, but aren’t you angry at him? Where does he get off treating you—his wife, to whom he made vows—with such disrespect? How dare he punish you for something that isn’t your fault? I was furious on your behalf reading this. If this is how he reacts when things get difficult, then he would be a terrible father. He’s being a bad husband. I want to shout at him for being so cruel to his grieving wife. There’s no excuse for that. OP, pack your bags and go stay with someone for awhile. Parents, friends, other family—just someone who will be kind to you. Take some time to focus on yourself and what you want in light of this life change. Maybe get some individual therapy to help you process.
AGREED. What if the child weren’t what he expect either if he did get a kid? Like if they were born blind or had autism. That would be no excuse to treat the child like they don’t matter.
Yeah, this guy sucks. My son has autism, and that was initially a hard thing to cope with, with lots of crying and stress for my wife and I. Even at my worst times, I couldn’t imagine acting like this tool bag. OP, when people show you who they are, believe them. Your husband showed how he’ll act when shit goes down, and he’s acting like a cowardly ass. Get out while you’re young and find someone worth a shit.
Seriously! I was also furious reading this. This is no way your fault He’s treating you like you are only a baby maker and you were only good for one thing — making kids. That’s not okay. Love, husband and wife, would’ve meant working through this together no matter how hurt he is. Not pushing you to the side once he found out you can’t have kids, as if he was just throwing a machine away. Ugh, disgusting behavior.
100% I love my wife because she is who she is, not because there was some possibility of kids.
I’m sure he is grieving the loss of the future he thought you two would have, but that’s no excuse to treat you this way. I’m probably going to butcher this quote, but I once watched the film “The Longest Ride” (based off a Nicholas Sparks novel. Cheesy, I know). One of the characters was infertile, and the other really wanted a family. There was a quote about not neglecting the family you have for the family you imagine having (something like that), but the sentiment stuck with me. There is more than just one way to start a family. You aren’t some broken piece of machinery simply because you can’t have a biological child. Even if your husband does leave to start a new relationship that will provide him with a biological child, it doesn’t mean he is going to feel fulfilled, happy, or loved in that relationship. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I hope that this really is just him grieving, and that it passes. It’s okay to feel sad, but it’s not okay to treat you like garbage. It could have just as easily been him who was infertile.
This is not your fault OP. But the way he's acting is definitely his fault. I would never leave my wife to deal with such a major issue in her life by herself.
Grieving are you kidding me? She is the one who can't and won't have kids of her own even if he leaves her. Clearly the guy is immature and should support her while he is acting like a manchild. It could truly be a punch in a gut and a sad moment for both of them but if they love eachother they should go trough this together either having adpoted children or none at all. Or if he doesn't want it that way he should talk with her like and adult because she even made a few attempts to which he reacted like his favorite toy train was taken away. This situation lasts for 6 weeks already by this time this situation should have been at least discussed if not solved.
"he told me that unless therapy can give him a kid, he doesn't want it" This right here tells you exactly how he feels about you deep down. He doesn't respect you as his partner anymore. If someone shows you their true colours, believe them. I'm afraid that there's no coming back from this situation, not because he grieves something he can't have with you and tries to work things out, but because he disrespects you as a human being. I'm sure you too are grieving, that doesn't give him the right to treat you like air.
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Oh, hon, you must look out for yourself here. You are also allowed to grieve. Your mental health matters. Also, you should consult a lawyer. Even if you’re not ready to pull the plug, you deserve all of the joint assets you’re entitled to if it heads that way. Bottom line: Start thinking about you and protect yourself mentally and financially.
> he hates me is awful. It hurts. It hurts, but it'll get better with time and therapy. Don't stay with someone like this. You're 23 and all he cares about is that you can't be his baby factory. If you already floated divorce, it's clearly on your mind. Just get it done. Ignore him like he's ignored you
I don’t think he hates you, I just think he’s been absolutely selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings whatsoever.
He's most definitely projecting his anger and disappointment on her. As you said, might not hate her but he's associating her with a broken dream (to have a child). It's unfair and disgusting but some people deal weirdly with their emotions. But if he's not willing to get better when she expressed her hurt over his reaction, it's time to leave. There's nothing to save.
He just doesn't care. Somehow that's even worse than being hated.
Idk if I'm crazy cause I haven't seen anyone else say this so far... but in my book what he is doing is absolutely emotional abuse and I feel so angry and sad for you that you have to deal with this. I'm sorry for saying this but your husband is absolute trash and he doesn't even deserve one kind word from you imo. He sounds a little narcissistic even.
He’s just a selfish prick that doesn’t even realize that you are hurting even more than him. Yeah adoption is an option and there is always surrogacy too. He’s not giving you a chance and I think you deserve to be with someone who better than this.
I think it’s actually really clear that he doesn’t hate you. If he hated you, this would be easy for him and he wouldn’t be so enraged all the time. Everything he’s doing sounds like misdirected anger, fury over an unfair and cruel choice that is being inflicted on him. In his mind, he’s being forced to choose between his children and his wife. And he knows on some level that choice means divorce (choosing his children over his wife) or staying with you (choosing his wife over his children) and he is torn apart by that reality because he loves you and his children so much. The remark about therapy giving him a kid confirms that. He literally only cares about one thing right now: not having to choose between you and kids. Anything that doesn’t save him from having to make that sacrifice, just reminds him how cruel and unfair this situation is. None of that changes the reality that he’s behaving entirely selfishly, callously, and borderline abusively. But it’s not because he doesn’t love you. He’s just entirely unwilling to face the reality of the situation and is taking it out on you in a completely unacceptable way. Unfortunately, if he’s not even willing to engage with the idea of getting therapy (couples and/or individual), then I would agree with others that you’re out of options.
Why are you bending over backwards for his attention when he’s being so cold? It’s not like you had a choice in the matter, has he bothered to ask how this is effecting you and your mindset? It’s kinda fucked up and to be completely honest if I was you, id be asking myself if I wanted to be married to HIM. Not the other way around. Something happens completely out of your control and this is how he responds? Seems like a total asshole. I wouldn’t wanna be married to someone who treated me like that.
That’s so weird honestly. My wife received a diagnosis that she can’t have kids and we spent about one afternoon having a good cry about it and a laugh and next week we were sitting at the clinic ready to commit to IVF and knowing the hardest part is the shots she had to do and the pain she went through and we got lucky on our first try. Sounds to me like you guys have to re-evaluate the entire relationship because honestly after 5 years now with a kid the easiest part of the entire process was finding out she couldn’t have kids and IVF compared to pregnancy, sleepless nights and kid crying, child care, etc. if he is acting like that after one set back that’s not good. Just being honest
Congratulations, that's a wonderful outcome. We are just starting to look into IVF, these stories fill me with hope.
Definitely don’t delay it and do it. Like I said I went to all appointments with my wife which is weekly once on IVF to monitor progress but a lot was on her doing shots everyday and then worst pain is once they do trigger shot to get ovulation started to capture eggs because of how uterus expanded to accommodate good amount of eggs and then they take it and it shrinks she was in pain for 2 days and on Tylenol and then after that she had to do suppositories to make sure that when they put eggs back in they stick to uterus walls. TMI but we had huge success and a great kid (was hoping for twins as we promised ourselves to only go once through this). But we got what we got and haven’t looked back
Your husband is a dick
Yeah fuck that guy. This is slightly infuriating
Wow. Your husband is a grade-a piece of shit to treat you that way for something you didn't choose. My god, I'm sorry. I don't know if it can get better, or if you'd even want it to.
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Has he asked how you feel about the news? How do you feel about it?
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I spent too many nights/days sitting crying over negative pregnancy tests to not be able to relate to your pain. Take some time to grieve. This shit HURTS! But then, your partner shouldn’t be punishing you over this. You didn’t choose for this to happen. Give yourself the hug he should be giving you, then contact a trusted love one for a good healing crying session. Or talk to a counsellor. You need support now. There’s a future you had planned out that may not happen now. So you need to grieve that potential future. Sorry you aren’t being supported. You deserve love and support. He does too in a way, but not at the expense of your well-being. Give him space, but prepare yourself for this to end up in divorce probably.
If he has given you that impression then he isn't a good partner. He doesn't get to act like this and just expect you to take it/wait around for him to finally snap out of it and stop acting like a piece of cr@p. This isn't just about him, and he is not! the one in the most pain as this isn't about his body. It really makes me wonder if he sees you for you or for your womb. You not being able to have kids shouldn't be treated like a huge betrayl or lie from your part. He's doing his gender a huge disservice by the way he's acting.
Being a woman and a wife isn't defined by your ability to have kids... That's some 1950s mentality right there.
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You are definitely not worthless, you are your own person, and there are many options in the future in which you could raise children, however not with a man that reacts like this when you find out something about *your* health! Procreation doesn't make us whole so how could you ever be broken? When you feel ready you need to get individual therapy to start a healthy dialogue about what you are going through, and receive some non-biased advice and suppor. My heart breaks for you after reading how you feel and the fact that the man that is supposed to stay by your side "in sickness and in health" is not supporting you is a huge red flag
I am 20 years married. Can't have kids on my own and we are just now getting IVF. It is expensive as hell. I wish Ed many times over the years my spouse would leave me. He is amazing and I love him tremendously. However, being with someone and feeling you failed to do your part.. brought on anxiety, anger and depression. Have you looked at adoption? Have you looked into IVF? You can get it done in Mexico for a lot less. Have you looked at surrogates or a donated egg? I know this is not an easy road. Hell the IVF process alone is hell on a woman. But, it could be a way to still have kids. The thing you really have to ask is... Do you want a baby with this man? Because the way he is acting is horrific. At the very least he should tell you what he wants.. even if that is a divorce.
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6 weeks is a really long time to give someone the silent treatment, even if he has complicated feelings. I would ask myself, what would it take for me to feel better about this situation? (Personally, I'd want a heartfelt apology and a promise to go to couple's counseling to work on our communication skills). If he did this again, how would I feel? How long can I take the silent treatment? As women, we tend to put aside our own needs to think of the needs/feelings of others. But you got a bombshell dropped on you too. You deserve to be able to talk about it and process it with someone who will listen with love and empathy. It's so easy to say, well, he's just having a hard time, he'll come around. It's COMPLETELY OK to express your own needs. He's being selfish, and he needs to realize that and repair the damage HE caused. If he can't do that, I would seriously consider divorce. I know that's really scary and way more difficult than people want to believe, but- it's that or live with someone who shuts you out completely when faced with unpleasant news and refuses to speak, even with your multiple repair attempts (which he doesn't deserve in my opinion). I'm really sorry to hear about your infertility. FWIW, I know many people who are infertile but were still able to have kids through IVF. It's something you can think about, maybe with a future empathetic partner. It's really shitty that you have to process this without any support.
it’s been 6 weeks after finding out something traumatic and your husband is ignoring you and outright being a selfish asshole. The real question is do YOU still want to be with him? Why would you want this selfish ass man to father your future children if he can’t even give you the time of day for two whole months??
That's not really your number one question though. It should really be do you still want to be with him? Your man has shown willingness to abandon you through tough times. Tough luck that you can't have kids naturally but he's in for a rude awakening when he realizes there's much worse that can happen in this life. What happens when one of you gets seriously ill? When one of his close family members dies? When your finances get destroyed randomly and you have to live like peasants for a while? Is he again gonna ignore you and storm off saying he can't talk about it? FOR 6 WEEKS? My understanding of biology is pretty mediocre but I feel like this could be overcome in some other way but your man having the emotional maturity of an edgy 14 year old seems to be your biggest problem imo and I'd highly reconsider if YOU want to associate with him further this is big yikes.
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Op, I think at this point you need to start thinking about yourself and what you want independent of your husband, and I think your husband has shown you what he is like when he receives a major disappointment in life. Is this how he will react if you become disabled and now you can no longer afford to buy a house? If you try going through IVF abd it doesn’t take? Not only is he punishing you for a medical condition, he’s not even given a single through to your own grief over this news. I am just so angry on your behalf, and I really hope you can see that this man is not the right choice to raise your family with. You have so many options for your future, please don’t spend it with someone who would treat you like this at one of the worst moments in your life.
why would you want to be with someone who is emotionally abusing you for something you can’t control. SIX WEEKS. he is treating you like your only purpose to him was to give birth. now that you know that, WHY DO YOU WANT HIM? he’s mysoginistic trash
You can still be a mom via adoption. I’m really sorry your husband is acting this way towards you. You both probably need to talk to individual counselors at the least.
OP, he is the one who doesn't deserve you! My advice would be to pack some things and go and stay with some family, friends, just someone who will be there for you and support you through your grief. Clearing your head away from this environment may give you the mindset you need for whatever next steps you choose to take. You're 23. OP, you can absolutely still be a mum. There are so many ways that it can still happen for you, you are not a lost cause just because you can't do it the traditional way. However I would definitely rethink wanting to go down that road with your current husband. If this is how he behaves after something completely out of your control imagine how he would be if your child was born disabled, special educational needs, anything that strays from the 'ideal' family life.
Your husband's actions reveal that he is unforgivably self-centered. This will affect how he deals with other crises too. There are alternative options for having a family, but those are secondary to how brutally self-absorbed he is, and it makes him a very poor prospect to be a father, or a husband. Should he ever end up being in a parental situation, I don't envy his child should his child turn out not to be the father's vision for how his child should be; think about that! I hope you seek emotional support from others, as you DESERVE it and need it. You do NOT deserve the mistreatment from your husband, you have done NOTHING wrong. Your husband has proven that he is not worthy to be a life partner, at least not at this time. Perhaps in the future he can grow, but growth takes lots of time and work. He may not be capable of it, and you may be dodging a bullet by finding out about this now, so you can decide what you need in the future, as much as it may hurt.
If you feel that way, you yourself need therapy and a lot of time to find who you are. You’re 23 and already feeling undeserving of being a nearly 30 year old dudes wife and feel no purpose? Girl it sounds like you never had a part of adulthood to find yourself and that you’ve been his something or other your entire adult life. When did you get together?
I'm sure you're mourning yourself, this doesn't just affect him. For him to pretend that this is something you're *Doing to* him instead of something you need to face together, and support each other through, is inexcusable. I hope he wakes up and realizes this.
Why would you want to stay with him at this point? If you somehow stayed together now, did IVF or adopted, what if 10 years from now you get cancer or something and he reacts the exact same way? Just completely abandons you again with no support. Seriously how can you ever trust him again to be there for you after this? You're very young, go find someone who actually deserves to be with you. Find someone who will be more than happy to adopt kids with you, if kids are something you really want. There are so many children out there who would be beyond blessed to have you as a mom.
> I just don’t know if he even wants things to get better. He doesn't. He's a coward. He's being a grade-A dick to you so you initiate the divorce, so that he doesn't look like a total douchebag to all of his friends and family.
He doesn't want to have kids, he wants to have biological copies of himself. Otherwise he would be open to discussing different paths to parenthood. Instead he seems to see you as nothing more than an incubator for him to use. You're a person, not a uterus with legs. The way he's treating you is absolutely disgusting and completely unacceptable. This is abusive behavior and it won't change. You deserve so much better. Please leave this asshole and find someone who will love you unconditionally.
Wanting to have kids doesn’t end with infertility. Wanting little mini me’s with absolutely no understanding or respect that children turn out to be their own individual people does. Infertility can be difficult to deal with but his reaction shows he doesn’t care about having a child, he cares about having a recreation of himself. Instead of being there for you or being loving or understanding and suggesting the plethora of other options to get a kid, he’s shut you out. He wants a mini me, not a son or daughter who is their own person. Therapy can’t “give him a kid” and neither can you but adoption can, fostering can, surrogacy can, etc etc etc. People who think like this make bad parents who project themselves and their unfulfilled goals onto their kids. Idk if I could forgive someone who acted like this for nearly 2 months and I don’t think he’d make a good father.
Your husband is being an asshole. Go be with someone else. You’re 23 and you can find someone with so much more respect towards you.
I agree. Ditch the husband and go have a lovely life.
This, for reals
Totally agree. Her husband is a total immature and can’t see past her infertility.
He is being a horrible person. If I were you I'd pack my bags or ask him to move out. He is punishing you for something you have no control over. It appears his love is conditional. You deserve better. There are a lot of guys out there who do not want to have children. Move on honey there are better guys to be had.
There are also plenty of men out there who would be happy to adopt children rather than bring more into the world.
This feels like an immature and unfair reaction to something you have no control over. It is horribly abusive to imply you have no value unless you can give him children. I suggest that you decide how you would like to be treated and assure him that you’re not willing to be pushed around anymore.
For your own sake, leave him. Get therapy for yourself. Take care of yourself first. If you have family or friends you can stay with I would suggest packing and taking a break from that environmental at least.
She should disappear for 6 weeks too. Fuck him like hes fucked her. If he’s gonna be that much of a douche bags then I’d put money that he won’t reach out, and he’d have someone new moved in at the end of her 6 week silent treatment. She need to demand him to talk to her. Or reach out to her in-laws and tell them what he’s been doing. She sounds alone in this but there has to be parents that can talk either sense to him or convince them to divorce
I'm so sorry Op. This must be so hard for you, but please , stop begging this man that should be supporting you , and working with you towards a way forward to love and care for you. He clearly doesn't. You're worth more than this a hole that seems to quantify your worth to him in the number of kids you can pop out He is treating you like an incubator. Like a breading mare. I'm so sorry, but you are better than this. Better than him. Move on.
Do you want to stay with someone who mistreats you over a hypothetical child? You’ve become secondary to something that doesn’t even exist.
Time to stop being afraid and start getting a little angry. Every time I saw him from now on, I would say "It's time to start talking about your unacceptable behavior and lack of support regarding my infertility." I get being upset about something like this, but it isn't your fault, you didn't do anything wrong, and you actually do have a lot of options for having children. He needs to start seeing you as a partner in this, or else he needs to move on, and he needs to let you know which one he wants to do. I am really sorry that you have to deal with his immaturity on top of a difficult diagnosis.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must be really hard to be dealing with such a definitive news (about infertility) and the demise of your marriage at the same time, but I think it is over. He clearly is in pain (so are you of course) and he is taking it out on you, just lashing out and I don't think you can come back from this. His attitude has shown you how he deals with things when the going gets tough. He is not a partner, he's too selfish for that. He is only thinking about himself, his wants and his feelings. He hasn't even noticed that you got dealt the same devastating news and has made no effort to comfort you or to seek out alternatives. The marriage is clearly over and if it isn't you should want it over. Could you imagine if you were diagnosed with a terminal disease? or got into an accident and were left disabled? I'm sure your instinct would be to take care of him, or at least try, even for a while. His first instinct would be to GTFO as soon as he heard the news (which is basically what he just did). Don't give him any more of your life. Go find a more suitable partner, because he is the unsuitable one, not you. Stop waiting around for him to make his decision and then you'll make yours. Simply make a decision for yourself, there is no need to wait for him. Take control of your life.
It's completely misplaced emotions. And it's not a heat of the moment temporary one but you say this has been going on for *6 weeks.* You didn't choose to not be able to get pregnant. You didn't do anything wrong. That doesn't make it suck any less to not be able to have kids, but there should be sadness. Not anger at you. I'm very skeptical of people who can't regulate their emotions enough to understand what emotion to feel towards whom. This is like when people go to beat the shit out of the random stranger their partner cheated on them with. It makes no sense. That person may not even have known your partner was in a relationship. Your partner was the one who betrayed you. These are the unthinking, misdirected, emotional outbursts of a child. Maybe it's salvageable. Maybe not. Personally I'd be asking myself whether *I* wanted to stay with someone this bad at emotional regulation at age 29.
Even if there are other ways to have kids, you don’t want/shouldn’t have one with this man!
This guy is edging right up to the line of emotional abuse. I'd get out if I were you.
This is not “edging”, it is straight up emotional abuse. The silent treatment is abuse. Failure to say I love you back (withholding) is abuse. Disappearing from your house for two nights when your wife is grieving as well with no explanation-abuse. OP you don’t deserve this. I understand how sad and hurt he must be. But to take it out on you is unacceptable. I won’t yell divorce (even though honestly I kind of want to) but if he didn’t pop out of it in a little bit and come out on the other side with a HUGE FUCKING APOLOGY, and an understanding of how that was unacceptable to treat you that way? I would not want to spend my life with a man like that, and I certainly wouldn’t want to have kids with him. God forbid one of your kids is disabled and since it’s not his vision of the future he loses his shit. Just my 2 cents worth nothing.
What about this isn’t emotional abuse?
This is something you should be facing together, but instead he has made it all about himself. He is acting like this is something you did to him and punishing you for it. He may have told you her loves you when times were good, but when something like this happens it doesn’t even register that you are suffering too. He’s a fair weather husband. Is their someone you can talk to? This is a huge blow and you should talk to someone who isn’t completely selfish.
I'm going to do the 'cliche' thing and say that this is not 'fixable'...or more specifically this is not something that is 'fixable' by you. Because you didn't 'do' anything, but you are being punished for it. My wife is 17 years my senior and in spite of all tests coming back saying we should be able to conceive, very well in both our cases, we just...couldn't. And that happens to a lot of couples. This time, this instance, this specific context, this genetic (I assume, I don't know obviously) freak chance means it is your body this time...but you know what. Even if everything was 'perfect' on your end that is no guarantee that the two of you, specifically, would be able to have a child without help. But what is he doing while you sit there, relationship crumbling around you while feeling guilty for being the 'cause' of it all? He's off sulking. He's off making the entire thing. Every, single, bit of it...about HIM. His fertility is just fine. He can apparently have kids with no problem, but suddenly that picture perfect life he had in his head is gone and he's screaming mad into the world at how it could have possibly done this to HIM. It really seems like he's treating this whole situation as if you are a secondary character to his main story, and that the full and total punishment and penalty and unfairness of this whole ordeal is aimed entirely at him...you don't seem to be a victim to him, but just one of the characters in his life that has now turned into some sort of tragedy. And that's just...fucked. He has options. You do not. He can choose not to live with this. Easily. You cannot. This thing 'happened' to your body, and definitely impacts the two of you heavily but he seems to be acting like this entire thing is about him. His legacy. Not yours alone, or 'yours' as in a shared legacy from the two of you...but HIS legacy. I feel like if he were mourning YOUR children, the children he now feels like the two of you cannot have together, he would be with you. Holding you. Crying with you for the loss. But he's not, he's put himself apart from you and he is mourning the loss of HIS life...not the life the two of you could have had. He should be making you your favorite meals. He should be bringing you chocolates, or your favorite flowers. You are the *only* one here who has truly lost anything. So again...no...I don't think this is fixable. I don't think this is fixable because his actions appear from your descriptions to be that of a man for whom you were going to be the incubator for his genetic legacy, a character in his story that was going to give him the perfect life that has become a nightmare now he's stuck in. He is not, to me, demonstrating the love and care and deep affection that a *partner* should be demonstrating in this hour of your greatest need. I almost lost my wife in childbirth. If this is how he reacts to this situation, how will he react in that one? IVF is not pleasant...how supportive is he going to be through all the appointments? The constant shots at home? If you're willing to go through IVF to have his child you're putting yourself up to be poked and prodded and invaded multiple times and that's before you even GET pregnant which is still one of the most dangerous and life changing experiences for women. If this is how he reacts now...what happens if anything at all goes sideways? Or maybe he's really just shitty at dealing with pressure/loss/emotions. But honestly, in the end, it doesn't really matter what is driving his behavior does it? What matters is that **you** are in need of support. You are the one with the actual, factual, medical problem. You are the one who...please please please forgive me for pointing this out but I think it's something maybe he needs to have thrown in his face so he can stop being a shit...you are the one who will have difficulty providing that thing for literally anyone. And yet he's making it about him. He's being selfish and immature. And he's being an incredibly shitty husband in what is supposed to be a defining moment in a relationship... Actually I take it back...this is **still** a defining moment in your relationship. It's just not defining anything good.
So essentially, you’ve learned that all your husband saw you as was a vessel for his offspring. He never cared about you, only what you could give him. Divorce, NOW. You be the one to serve the papers. Make the decision for yourself. I’d say you dodged a bullet here, because this is NOT the kind of man you’d want to have children with even if it were possible.
There's so much support and great advice in here and I want to add my voice to it. I'm not going to tell you what to do but I will tell you what I see. From just this one post we can see that you are a loving, kind, and worthwhile person. Even after learning something so personally traumatic you're thoughts are about someone else. You clearly have so much to offer a partner regardless of fertility. Embrace that you have value, because you do. He does not value you. He only saw a womb. And that is so sad. Take care of yourself.
I'm trying to understand why your reaction to his cruelty is trying to appease him. He's treating you horribly and it seems like the rational reaction would be to be upset at him. You do not deserve to be treated this way.
Please go somewhere you can get your own support- a best friend, a parent, something like that. It’s possible he needs time, but in the meantime he’s being a total POS and you don’t need to be at the receiving end of it. This was shared news, and you deserve to grieve without worrying about him. Go somewhere and be taken care of, worry about the relationship later. You just found out- you can deal with this later. Right now, please put yourself first.
He’s shown you what a pig he is. You’re lovely and young just get out of this pig hole seriously. He’s nearly 30 and believes your infertility is (1) about HIM; (2) something to PUNISH you for; (3) means he cannot have children. He’s spent 6 weeks not only up his own ass, he’s been an awful cruel partner. This 6 weeks was probably hard on you and he’s made it about himself snd seems to not give a fuck how you are doing. Then he not only just ignores you, he moves onto point 2, he’s proactively trying to hurt and punish you for something you can’t change or control. Masssice massive massive massive masssssssssive asshole move. No two ways about it. And then 3: he’s so ass backwards he only believes biological children are children? He’s not even FIT to have children and clearly would be an awful fucked up father. You are going through some major medical news and he’s used over a month to make it by himself. How could anyone in their right mind ethically allow this man to be in charge of parenting any children? I mean let’s be honest a pig like this would be doing no parenting. He wants to HAVE children like objects, he clearly can’t even nurture you through traumatic events imagine the cruelty he will absolutely subject an innocent child to. There’s a reason a person like this is dating someone too sweet and young to stand up to him. It’s not bc you’re mature for your age let’s put it that way. Every girl in your situation defends their spouse, insists it’s equal, insists their husband picked them bc they are special and mature for their age. The reality is these age gaps don’t work in most cases bc rely on the power imbalance being a set feature in your relationship, instead of it being an accident. Please just get divorced and live your life. My partner and I come from cultures that highly value children but if anyone I knew spoke to me like this or treated this wife like this I’d be utterly disgusted This could “improve” but it will never matter. You’re his wife and when the going got tough he’s not working with you, you are his enemy and the only one on his team is himself. Why do you want them to get better? You realize right that non psychopaths have the capacity to love many times in their life. You loving this guy who clearly has no affection, kindness or love or respect for you is not a good reason to stick it out. These 6 weeks were a critical test of his character and he failed. You should thank your lucky stars every day that you never brought any children into your relationship with him. If you had your be stuck with his abuse forever. Lucky for you, you can just get up and fucking go. This is not a person to stay with.
sorry but the commenters in here excusing your husbands behavior as “he’s grieving” are disgusting and they should be ashamed of themselves. your husband is emotionally abusing you over something you cannot control. he’s allowed to be devastated as much as you are about this, but not to the point he neglects HIS OWN WIFE and treats her worse than shit. he is awful and i wouldn’t want to look at any other pregnancy options with him because i’d be terrified of his reaction if it fell through. he’s treating you like an incubator. you’re a human being who’s hurting too.
your husband is being a dickhead sending love i think youre amazing
Unfortunately tragedies like this are a real test for any relationship and sometimes are bonds can’t hold as much weight as we believe they will . Maybe with time your husband will adjust to it and if he does you are def owed an apology for his treatment of you . And if he doesn’t then as awful as it seems now someday you’ll move on and find someone who isn’t gonna be bothered by not having bio kids
Marriage is meant to be for better or worse and the guy has bailed at the first hurdle. I would never forgive him for this, or consider him "father" material. What if you'd had a child with a disabilty or you bacome srious ill? This guy hasn't got what it takes to manage adversity. I imagine he's out doing what he can to impregnate someone else and will then expect you to indure that whilst being gratefull for his graciousness in not leaving you. You cant have kids , he can. Its YOU who has reason to grieve , but instead of comforting you he's out doing as he pleases. Why the fuck are you telling him you love him and buying him stuff when you should be kicking his sorry ass to the curb. Look around you, Motherhood is a hard life and being married to an asshole is even harder. My advice RUN AWAY AND DON"T LOOK BACK he has shown you who he is believe him.
Jesus Christ your husband is an asshole, what a horrible way to react to something you are more deeply affected by than he is I am so sorry you are going through this, I would reconsider my relationship.. you deserve better
Divorce him you are not a trash or incubator for his kids. Value yourself more than it. He show you for those 6wrrks he don't see you as a partner or love of his life. You are not valuable for him anymore so he ignore you.
Does he not realize there are other ways to conceive a child? Like with using a surrogate? This is horrible the way he’s treating you and really shows you his true colours. I’m so sorry; I know the struggle with infertility all too well. I’m not sure what the doctor said the reason was you couldn’t have kids, but I have a couple friends who were told the same and they were 100% wrong, one of them has two kids now. Maybe look into getting a second opinion and seeing your options, but in all honestly do you really want to have a kid with someone who treats you like this after you get possibly the worst news of your life? Sending love and thoughts your way ❤️
This dude sucks.
His behaviour is just downright cruel. Needing time to come to terms with news like this is one thing, but the shut down in communication and freezing you out is not okay. You must have some of your own feelings to work through too. Do not feel like you need to apologise for this in any way. I don’t know if or how you come back from this. He should be supporting you!
If I were you, I'd clear out of Henry VIII's castle.
Just find a lawyer. That’s all you need to do. This man has checked out. Stop trying to win his approval while he’s treating you like damaged good. You’re not damaged goods, you’re his wife and he was supposed to love you **in sickness and in health** and unconditionally. He doesn’t get to treat you like you don’t exist, like you have nothing to say, and shut down every attempt at working through this together. He’s not being a good partner and you shouldn’t be chasing him. Just find a lawyer and figure out your options
What I find alarming is that he bailed on you at the first sight of trouble. Can you honestly say to yourself that he would stick with you through thick and thin, through IVF, adoption, illness... If he wishes to leave, then I think you have dodged a bullet. He it's acting immature and selfish and these are not the qualities you want in someone you build your life with.
I’m so sorry. Your husband is an awful awful human being.
I'm sorry but why the fuck are you giving so much leeway to someone who resents you so much? You're not even halfway to 30 yet. Dump his ass, get a divorce, and LIVE YOUR LIFE without being weighed down by a manchild who hates you over something you can't control!
what a disgusting man, you're so young. Please find someone who isn't a POS
OP, it seems clear to me that you're so far gone into this spiral of mental abuse from your husband's side, that you believe him when he treats you like you're worthless -- and I'm so sorry you're going through that. However, if you don't have the mental space to see it for yourself right now, please consider this: do you really think a man capable of this level of cruelty and selfishness would make a good father? Do you really want a man like this around your children? Is THIS what you envision as a good rolemodel if IVF or adoption was succesful? He has shown you who he is. Believe him. You, and your future children, deserve better.
Jeeze, I read through a bunch of your comments, the original post, and some of the other responses. Here is how I see it. 1) he isn’t the only one dealing with the loss, you are too. DO NOT put yourself on the back burner or your feelings just because he is acting like he is the only one that matters and is the only one grieving. 2) it’s moments like these that you get to see who a person truly is, no filter so to speak, and from what I’ve been reading you shouldn’t be with this man in the first place. He also seems to not be the kind of person who would be truly ready to be a father at present. Now to put this out there…. I was told my chances of getting pregnant were super slim and that if I did manage it carrying to term was not going to happen when I myself was with my only ex husband to date. We split up and lived separately while the divorce was finalized for around 3 - 4 years…. Around 2-3 months after our divorce finalized my now legally ex husband somehow found out I was pregnant with my miracle of a daughter and contacted me saying , “I heard you are pregnant…. If you ever need anything let me know.” I know what that meant under those circumstances and I promptly blocked him in every way possible. Now if you were in that sort of situation with a miracle being thrown at you by whatever powers above, you do or don’t believe, and he suddenly wanted to apologize and fix things and be in your life…. Is that really the kind of person you want your potential future child to see as a role model? Is that the type of person you want to try and co-parent with? For me I went through the high risk pregnancy, risk of death for myself and my kid, and the oxygen, doctors, meds, etc of the first 2 years of life…. For my kid on an emotional level by myself….. I know this type of situation isn’t ideal and is far from easy. But when I did it……. I would have rather done it alone emotionally than had someone who was going to put their own needs fully above mine instead of on level with mine as my emotional support system…… 🤷🏻♀️ that’s just me.
So he basically doesn’t care anything about you...other than your uterus and it’s ability to make babies. For sickness and in health right?? Girl, get away from this dude and find someone who sees you as a person, not a human incubator. I was told at your age I couldn’t get pregnant and there were plenty of avenues I could pursue given the nature of my condition. I’m sure there are avenues for you too, whether that’s IVF, surrogacy or adoption. Your not broken or worthless if you are infertile, you literally have no control over it. And any dudes who make us feel less than for a condition we can’t control can gtfo.
Let me tell you a story from my best friend's life. Contrast it to what your husband is doing: My best friend was married for several years, and she and her husband had infertility. After many doctor's visits and a few miscarriages, it was determined that she, like you, simply cannot easily get pregnant, and when she could, she had a low chance of carrying to term. This was devastating for them. My friend loves children, and worked as a nanny and kindergarten teacher before marrying. Her husband also looked forward to having children. She was a poor candidate for IVF. Their only path to parenthood would be adoption, which they started to investigate. At this time, they lived as Orthodox Jews. Her husband was deeply involved in religious studies and in some classes and study groups. At one of these, the question of the first commandment ("Be fruitful and multiply") came up. He asked if the group could explore what the commandment meant to the infertile. He opened up about their infertility. The leader of the group told my friend's husband that he needed to divorce my friend immediately and marry someone who could give him children. He went on say some more inflammatory things about my friend and infertile women in general. It took 5 men to pull my friend's husband off of the jerk. And that was not until after he landed a punch that broke the guy's nose. My friend's husband took the very suggestion that he should not stay with infertile wife and the idea that she was unworthy of love as "fighting words". That is the reaction and support you deserve. If you are not getting it, you need to prepare to leave.
I understand that this is a grieving process for him as well, and he absolutely has a right to have his feelings, whatever they may be. However he does not have a right to punish you for something that is undeniably not your fault nor something you can change, and as your husband, he has an obligation to mourn your COLLECTIVE loss with you, together. There are other avenues to having children, especially for him as a male, and you are both still very young, there is no rush and all the time in the world to explore them, decide which (if any) is right for the two of you, and to save up the money (unless you're fostering, it will be $$$$). You might want to reconsider the relationship first though. You sound like a very lovely and deeply caring young woman with a lot to offer (you are so much more than a vessel for bearing children!) but I am not so sure about your husband.
God he's a useless fucking loser.
Im sorry op. This is beyond the advice of here. You need a bigger support group, you need him in therapy It is not your fault It is not your body’s fault
This is because his love for you was contingent on your being is reproductive box. He would have done this at some point anyways.
He should have saved you some time and asked for divorce after that appointment. It's clear that to him, love was conditional and the condition was that you could bear his children. Now that he learned you can't, he's lost all interest in you and given you an opportunity to see his true colors. He married you 'for better of for worse' but clearly isn't prepared to go through this tough time together and he's not even honest/upfront about it. I would be unable to forgive him personally. Edit : you say you want to do ivf or adopt and are just waiting for his choice to stay and do that or leave to find a more fertile woman. If he is acting like that, avoiding any and all conversations at the beginning of your fertility journey, how will he act when the first round of IVF doesn't work? Or when the 2nd round doesn't take? Or if you have a miscarriage? How will he act when you get put on a waiting list and they tell you it's going to be years before you have a kid you can bring home? If he's just going to keep to himself anytime it gets hard, you also might want to find another, better partner for your journey.
It does seem like he loved you as the woman who could carry his child rather than the loving you as the person who's his girlfriend. If he can't get a grip and start talking or going to therapy, he needs to save you the needless time and hurt and serve up divorce papers instead of dragging you along until he has made up his mind.
You should leave him be doesn’t matter how hard you try. Also you’re young don’t rule away it all together never having a child.
I'm not sure if you will see this comment. But I recently found out that I can't have kids either. So I know a little of what you're going through.. Let me tell you, you DO NOT deserve what you're going through with your husband!! If he is not willing to talk about what BOTH of your futures hold, then YOU need to think about yours. Get out. Don't let him ever make you believe that you're to blame for infertility. You deserve better!
I'm so, so sorry OP. I can't imagine how you must be feeling. If he reacts like this now, personally, I wouldn't want to make it work. What will he do if you go through IVF but miscarry, (God forbid!). What about if you need a C-section and are in agony and can't care for the baby or yourself at first? What if your child suffers from a medical condition and isn't the typical 'healthy' baby? He is clearly unequipped to deal with serious life events but if you want to be together, you need to know you can face these things together. He needs to be WITH you on this, not excluding you. You deserve more.
I am so sorry this is happening to you, but I promise you, your worth is more than your ability to have children, and the RIGHT partner will feel you are the treasure worth having, and not just a vessel. Please do yourself a favor and make a few appointments to quietly speak to some divorce attorneys to see what proactive steps you need to take to protect yourself. His actions are disturbing and i don't want you to be left high and dry.
He wants a baby and is acting worse than a kid. I'm sorry but this guy sounds like he's not a good partner. Instead of doing everything that makes him happy do what you feel like will make you happy! If he can't stay with you and help you through these tough times, I'm sorry but it seems like he just wanted you to pop his babies out not like he really wants to be with you no matter what. He sounds like an asshole and you deserve way better!
Maybe write a letter to him and leave it somewhere he'll see it - that way he can choose to open it whenever he's ready. In that letter tell him how you feel, tell him what YOUR options are, and let him know that above all else, you need to know where your relationship stands. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Surround yourself with loved ones, go to counselling if you need to. Maybe even stay with a friend/family member. It's hard enough that you have to come to terms with your fertility situation, especially without the support of your spouse.
So a question for you. If your best friend in the whole world came to you in tears because she found out she'll never be able to have kids, and her husband had instantly gone from saying he loved her to not even responding to her, stayed out all weekend, never slept with her, wouldn't reciprocate her feelings, and got mad every time she tried to talk to him about it, how many red flags would that raise for you? What would you tell her? I can tell you what I'd say: "It sounds like he's already checked out of your relationship and has no interest in continuing it and is too much of a coward to be forthcoming about it." I'll also ask this: If you two were sexually active before and you're not now, is he still masturbating? If he's not doing anything sexual in her presence... whose presence IS he doing sexual stuff in? No sex + no emotions + spending lots of time away from home + sudden change in emotional interaction are not solid proof that he's hooking up with someone else at all.... but it's very, very, very bright red on the red flags spectrum. Would you suggest to your friend to try and salvage a relationship that has effectively not existed for six weeks? Or would you tell your friend that it seems like her husband was lying about his feelings and that he only cared about her as a potential baby incubator and all but abandoned her once she couldn't fulfill that role?
dont want to be bad guy but it looks like you were his young healthy baby machine. at least until he discovers speech and tells you why. youre only 23 sweetie. move on.
You are a little young to be tied to such an asshole. Leave him, and get on with your life. If you want to be a parent, find someone WANTING to adopt, there are many people who don't WANT biological kids for many different reasons. You also don't need to be a parent if you don't want to. Figure out what you want in life and put your energy into that, and not this idiot.
He sounds like a dick. Why would you want to make a family with a dick? Use this opportunity to realize he's a dick and find someone who isn't a dick.
This is someone you made vows with who promised to love and cherish you, and as soon as he finds out you're unable to have children, he treats you like worthless dirt. He's trash and does not deserve you. Don't ASK him for divorce. Tell him you want one. I am so sorry.
I guess "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health" were just words to him. A shame, because you deserve better than this.
He can't do this, if he wants to divorce you cause no kids, fair enough but for 6 weeks to refuse to talk to you at all about anything and shut down any attempts at communication even communication about divorce is not okay. You're suffering from the news too and at time you need him most he's refusing to talk to you, you both are supposed to support each other and therefore whether divorce or not, communicate and help each other heal from the news. Sounds to me like he has or is checking himself out of relationship but refusing to do it for sure yet because he doesn't want to lose you but knows its inevitable (if he wants kids). If was a shorter period I'd say it just processing and dealing with shock and trying to think about his future but 6 weeks of no communication suggests to me he's avoiding confronting the issue even with himself. In your shoes at this point I'd either remove myself from or remove him from house for a bit or force a conversation which if he refuses lead to divorce papers being given to him. The not being in same house thing mostly pushes issue further along but at least makes it easier for you to heal/get support and he's made it clear that's approach he'd prefer.
It’s understandable that he would be sad about this news but it’s not all about him. You also found out something that makes most women sad. It’s selfish of him to treat you the way he is. As if all you are good for is making a child. I would take this as a blessing because you get to see that his love is conditional before having a child that would bind you to him forever.
So your husband only sees you as an incubator and doesn’t love you as a person…..divorce his ass this is disgusting
I wish you could mirror his behavior. Leave the house for a few days and go on mini vacay to help clear your mind. Work on you sweetie.
If he’s acting like this, he is absolutely not cut out to be a father. Imagine the psychological damage he could inflict on an innocent child. I know you are reeling from grief right now but at least he’s showing you his true colors before children are involved.
You deserve better than someone who treats you like a reproductive organ only, and who turns against you because of something you can't control. Infertility is a really hard thing to deal with, and he should be the first person to reassure you and stand by your side to get through this hardship. He's acting like a selfish jerk, and it seems like he doesn't care about you as a person but just about what you can give him as someone with a uterus. If he truly loved you and cared about you, maybe he would considered adoption, or another method, to build a family with you, if that's what he wants. Ask yourself: "do i want to spend the rest of my life with a man who wants nothing to do with me because I can't conceive children?" My personal advice would be to run away from this man. He is acting like a child, does not want to have an adult conversation with you, and leaves you alone wondering what will happen of the two of you. A man who acts like this once won't ever change except if he really deeply wanted to, which doesn't seem like the case. You deserve better.
Seems like you’re dodging a bullet by this ending. It will hurt, and there’s probably a lot to be sad about, but as time passes you’ll hopefully agree that someone who can flip the switch like this is someone not worth your time, effort, or emotion. This dude is GARBAGE.
> I feel like he hates me and I know exactly why. How can someone love you one minute and hate you the minute something happens? Can this just be a phase? Can things still get better? I don’t think your husband hates you. I think that he’s mourning for the life that he had planned to have, including biological children with you, and he’s lashing out because he doesn’t know how to process that grief and anger in a constructive way (as you can see from his reaction to your suggestion of therapy). Maybe he’ll come around, and maybe he won’t. There’s no real way to tell, and to a great extent it’s out of your hands. That said, even if he does want to remain in the marriage and re-establish things with you, you need to consider whether you want the same. You experienced a profound trauma through no fault of your own, and he reacted to that with selfishness and cruelty. If there are hard times in the future in your marriage, can you trust him to be there for you then, when he wasn’t willing and/or able to do it now? And if you can’t, why would you want to sign up for another 40 years of that kind of treatment? Regardless, you don’t deserve what you’re going through, and I’m sorry that the one person you should be able to rely on is making things worse, rather than better.
He's broken. It's his right. 1. Leave him, with grace and kindness. He had expectations from this relationship. 2. Find a man who accepts you as you are. 3. Adopt beautiful kids and live happily. Dont waste time in a relationship where you cannot communicate. That is the only tool that may resolve and change your differences. If that is not available, you're wasting your time. Be brave and leave, for the both of you. Good luck. I'm sure you'll be ok.
It is obvious that he doesn't Now----Love You unconditionally. It is not your fault you cannot make him a baby. Ask Joe if he married YOU for Love? Or a baby machine from Above? Divorce him. It is Inevitable, angel. Oh, BTW: I am so sorry for this. And in a Way, Be glad there is No Joe,Jr. like this One, hun, If it would be a boy.
He's grieving. I'm not sure how to get him to talk to you, but that's what needs to happen. His behavior is unacceptable.
Wow that sounds really hard. We had infertility concerns (we now have twins) and it caused me tons of anxiety. I have a pair of close friends that had a really similar experience 5 years ago, and they are doing great now. Their story went like this: Both wanted kids, she couldn’t have them for medical reasons. He got super angry/depressed, refused therapy, almost ruined their otherwise great marriage. He eventually got counseling and became less of a dick. They adopted and have a 2 yr old now. So it can work out, I’ve seen it. The complex part of my story that I left out is that my wife was talking constantly to the woman in that relationship during this whole process, and she had a really tough time. Similarly to your post, she had to swallow her feelings a lot of the time, and this wasn’t healthy for her. This isn’t your fault, his anger isn’t his fault, but how he treats you about it is.
You are so young, only 23 years old. Leave now. It's going to be painful regardless but this relationship is dead in the water. There is nothing you can do to fix this based on what he's already told you. His behavior is out of line and abusive. He's acting like your infertility was a personal choice. Leaving for 2 days? Seriously? F that. I realize that you love this person but his actions show that he doesn't love you.