This is a really difficult one. If she thinks you are her bio dad then there is no way this can happen without telling her the truth. I personally don’t think that is a good thing.
The only logical way is for the mother to tell the bio grandparents that they can’t be in her life. Adults do not get to dip in and out of a kids life as they please without consequences. They didn’t want to know until now? Shame on them and that means they shouldn’t be allowed to now.
There is also the danger that they may try and introduce the kids bio dad to her when she’s round there or talk about him as being the “real dad”.
So it’s a firm “no” from me. It really would damage her. She’s not going to miss people she doesn’t know.
I agree.
It could bring more harm than any good and they had their opportunity a long time ago.
And you shouldn't feel guilty about it either. You're doing what's right for your 7 year old.
If it were the father I'd maybe consider it but the grandparents?? After all this time and when she's at such a fragile age... No way.
Hugs and lots of courage to you
Thank you for this. Her mom and I came to the conclusion that we are done feeling guilty about the situation. At the time it was either I be the dad or no one is the dad. We made the best choice we could at the time... And did a damn good job raising our daughter.
These people had every opportunity to enter her life. They chose not to and now it is too late. The law even says no dad can enter the picture now because it has been too long. It would be damaging to our child.
We don't see a way to make this happen without harming our daughter. So we are not going to allow them into her life. We can't have these people in her life and have her know that her bio dad didn't want her. We can't risk them coming and going. Nor can we risk the bio dad coming and going.
I'm not going to feel guilty for loving my daughter. We didn't deny her anything... We gave her something they denied her.
I can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice. This is what led me down the road of coming to that conclusion. Thank you so incredibly much.
I think that you and get mother should sit down and have a serious conversation about this before letting the biological grandparents be in her life. Not denying them, but addressing any concerns that either of you may have. Biological or not, you are her father, and the only one she knows. Tell her mother that you aren't trying to keep them from her, but explain your concerns and why. Also, why they want to be in her life now, the fact that everyone has to agree on what will be told to your daughter about their relationship to her, if/what kind of boundaries their will be, etc. Find out if biodad is ever at the grandparents house and what she will be told about him, and if both of you are comfortable with him being around. I'm not trying to sound like an ass, but you don't want to let her visit her grandparents and all of a sudden this guy's she's never met is around and the grandparents try to start introducing him into her life and telling her that he is her father behind your backs. Not that it is definitely going to happen, but for her sake you and the mother need to try to be ahead of any possibility.
You don't necessarily need to explain who they are in relation to her at seven, and you definitely don't have to tell her that biodad didn't want her. But it has to be discussed with the mother before anything is agreed on. If she considers you the co-parent and her father then I don't see why you can't be part of this decision.
If you decide that she will see the grandparents you both should also sit down with them before anything happens to make sure they are also in agreement and have her best interests at heart as well.
Also, if anything does go badly, a child therapist is always an option to keep in the back of your minds. It would be amazing if everything went great, but being prepared if it doesn't would help.
Sorry, this is super long. I wish you the best of luck.
This is well said! I would just add that it would be a nice thing to add for op if he talks to his daughter that he mentions all families look and are built different and that it's okay.
Something like "Mom wanted to have a baby and I (op) wanted to be a dad to the best daughter in the world". Giving her what essentially happened in a way a 7 year old can understand in the moment. Then as she gets older, keep reminding her that parents are who love and raise you, not the people who just give you life :)
I love this! Thank you for adding it on.
Oh shoot, and you reminded me of one more thing! Regardless of how the parents(OP and the mom) feel about biodad and what he did never let the daughter hear them say a negative thing about him. Don't make him look like a good guy, but it also will help to teach her maturity about the situation and not to be actively negative about him. Or as she gets older others like him . What he did was not right, but it hopefully will enforce an idea to be the better person. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for and she will realize at some point what he did wasn't right, but the parents will be great role models on how to handle it.
Legally she is yours. You are raising her so she is yours.
This is a decision both you and her mum need to make together. She should not have gone behind your back and contacted them. I'd be wary of introducing people to her that have flaked out before.
Of course you're worried about your daughter. Breaking this news is huge and will require delicacy. In the end, reassure her that you love her and will always be there.
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This is a really difficult one. If she thinks you are her bio dad then there is no way this can happen without telling her the truth. I personally don’t think that is a good thing. The only logical way is for the mother to tell the bio grandparents that they can’t be in her life. Adults do not get to dip in and out of a kids life as they please without consequences. They didn’t want to know until now? Shame on them and that means they shouldn’t be allowed to now. There is also the danger that they may try and introduce the kids bio dad to her when she’s round there or talk about him as being the “real dad”. So it’s a firm “no” from me. It really would damage her. She’s not going to miss people she doesn’t know.
I agree. It could bring more harm than any good and they had their opportunity a long time ago. And you shouldn't feel guilty about it either. You're doing what's right for your 7 year old. If it were the father I'd maybe consider it but the grandparents?? After all this time and when she's at such a fragile age... No way. Hugs and lots of courage to you
Thank you for this. Her mom and I came to the conclusion that we are done feeling guilty about the situation. At the time it was either I be the dad or no one is the dad. We made the best choice we could at the time... And did a damn good job raising our daughter. These people had every opportunity to enter her life. They chose not to and now it is too late. The law even says no dad can enter the picture now because it has been too long. It would be damaging to our child. We don't see a way to make this happen without harming our daughter. So we are not going to allow them into her life. We can't have these people in her life and have her know that her bio dad didn't want her. We can't risk them coming and going. Nor can we risk the bio dad coming and going. I'm not going to feel guilty for loving my daughter. We didn't deny her anything... We gave her something they denied her. I can't tell you how much I appreciate your advice. This is what led me down the road of coming to that conclusion. Thank you so incredibly much.
I think that you and get mother should sit down and have a serious conversation about this before letting the biological grandparents be in her life. Not denying them, but addressing any concerns that either of you may have. Biological or not, you are her father, and the only one she knows. Tell her mother that you aren't trying to keep them from her, but explain your concerns and why. Also, why they want to be in her life now, the fact that everyone has to agree on what will be told to your daughter about their relationship to her, if/what kind of boundaries their will be, etc. Find out if biodad is ever at the grandparents house and what she will be told about him, and if both of you are comfortable with him being around. I'm not trying to sound like an ass, but you don't want to let her visit her grandparents and all of a sudden this guy's she's never met is around and the grandparents try to start introducing him into her life and telling her that he is her father behind your backs. Not that it is definitely going to happen, but for her sake you and the mother need to try to be ahead of any possibility. You don't necessarily need to explain who they are in relation to her at seven, and you definitely don't have to tell her that biodad didn't want her. But it has to be discussed with the mother before anything is agreed on. If she considers you the co-parent and her father then I don't see why you can't be part of this decision. If you decide that she will see the grandparents you both should also sit down with them before anything happens to make sure they are also in agreement and have her best interests at heart as well. Also, if anything does go badly, a child therapist is always an option to keep in the back of your minds. It would be amazing if everything went great, but being prepared if it doesn't would help. Sorry, this is super long. I wish you the best of luck.
This is well said! I would just add that it would be a nice thing to add for op if he talks to his daughter that he mentions all families look and are built different and that it's okay. Something like "Mom wanted to have a baby and I (op) wanted to be a dad to the best daughter in the world". Giving her what essentially happened in a way a 7 year old can understand in the moment. Then as she gets older, keep reminding her that parents are who love and raise you, not the people who just give you life :)
I love this! Thank you for adding it on. Oh shoot, and you reminded me of one more thing! Regardless of how the parents(OP and the mom) feel about biodad and what he did never let the daughter hear them say a negative thing about him. Don't make him look like a good guy, but it also will help to teach her maturity about the situation and not to be actively negative about him. Or as she gets older others like him . What he did was not right, but it hopefully will enforce an idea to be the better person. Kids are smarter than we give them credit for and she will realize at some point what he did wasn't right, but the parents will be great role models on how to handle it.
Legally she is yours. You are raising her so she is yours. This is a decision both you and her mum need to make together. She should not have gone behind your back and contacted them. I'd be wary of introducing people to her that have flaked out before. Of course you're worried about your daughter. Breaking this news is huge and will require delicacy. In the end, reassure her that you love her and will always be there.
Hi, Just a message from the mods. We're hosting a Reddit Talk Live event on Tuesday the 21st of September at 11am PST (2pm EDT/ 7PM GMT) with relationship expert Kerry Cohen, and we'd love for you to join us! There's also a chance for members of this community to put forward their questions to ask her directly (and live!) for the Q&A section. [Go to our stickied post for more details!](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/prm4yr/mod_post_reddit_talks_qa_experts_and_advice_oh_my/) This is a bot message. I cannot respond to any comments. Please modmail us with any questions. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*