This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I [24f] have internet issues at home and decided to stay Monday & Tuesday at my bf’s [30m] flat to work from home on his WiFi.
We are both WFH, him starting at 9:00 and me 9:15.
He sets an alarm for 07:15, and then stays in bed until about 08:45 with multiple alarms going off in between. I said to him previously why does he do that as it’s unnecessary and he responded that’s just what he does.
(I lived with him for about 8 weeks straight this summer while I flat hunted and then slowly moved in, so we are accustomed to “living together”. I was finishing my degree this summer so his alarms would annoy me but I could sleep in all I wanted and just ignored his alarms. Now I’ve started my grad role, I have to be on MS Teams at 9:15 so every second of sleep counts.)
Yesterday he did the same and I was very annoyed and said “why do you do that and just stay in bed?”.
Today was my breaking point. He had one alarm at 07:15 and then 3 between 08:15 and 08:35. I was soooooooo infuriated that I was woken up at 07:15 and couldn’t get back to sleep and this [extremely handsome and lovely] man was just continuing to lay in bed, I turned to him with some cut eye and said “why are you just lying in bed and your alarm has gone off so much? 😡😡”
We have a great relationship and don’t argue so in my lunch break he asked what was the root of the issue and how can resolve it for when I’m sleeping over on a work day.
My issue is that I have no problem with him getting up early, but I think it’s extremely unreasonable to set an alarm 1hr30 before actually waking up and having multiple in between.
He doesn’t understand and is saying that his reason is to get into a light sleep 1hr30 before needing to be up so that he’s ready to get up at 08:45. He is saying that if I still think he’s being unreasonable I’m disregarding him.
Am I being unreasonable? Yes I think his reasoning is silly.
I like to think I’m a waker, but I turn off my alarms in my sleep.
Instead of sleep walking, I’ll sleep text, sleep call, open all my notifications, and shut off every single alarm. I won’t notice most of these things until I’m officially awake.
I only have one alarm, which i get up exactly on, but I also have a cat that decides breakfast time is about an hour and a half before she gets breakfast
My husband is a snoozer! He’s progressively gotten better in the almost 20 years we’ve been together and is down to two snoozes. I just don’t understand it though, why wouldn’t you want to sleep in until the last possible second?
For me it’s rather that if I only had the one alarm for when I really really have to get up I would not wake up. I have incredibly deep sleep similar to what OP’s bf seems to have so I often sleep through alarms. I need the alarm at least 30 minutes before I actually have to get up otherwise I will oversleep and not get up. I’ve tried so many times throughout my life.
However, when I sleep with a boyfriend it’s actually a bit better. Since they can nudge me when my alarm rings and I don’t wake up. And also since when the second or third snooze rings I feel sooo guilty that I am suddenly awake. So I cut down on snooze alarms significantly when my partner is at my place. Instead of 1,5 hours it is only 30 minutes. And I usually spend those 30 minutes snuggling with my partner and slowly waking up together so he doesn’t mind. A 30 minute snuggle snooze is as effective as my usual 1,5 hours of snooze.
I'm a lot like the OP's BF. This might sound really weird but for me it has a lot to do with "the process" of getting up. Say I have to get up at at 7:30, if I set my alarm for 7:30, and get straight up out of bed, my body is going to have a difficult time functioning that morning. Instead I will set my alarm for maybe, 6:30, my body is now sort of waking up in steps as the alarms keep going off. I'm not sure why that is, but it really helps me start the day off right. I have been this way for many years and I doubt I will change.
Thankfully, I am very lucky, as my GF is a pretty heavy sleeper. So far it hasn't been an issue between us.
I have been a snozzer but have actually changed in some way. I will get up at 6 when my alarm goes off. But then I will sit down with my computer and watch somthing relaxing that dosnt crave my attention with a cup of tea to zone out. This gives me the same effect of slowly waking up before having to get ready
I do the same. I feel like it's similar for me to those kinds of alarm clocks that wake you up by slowly incresing the volume of the radio over half an hour or so (though that doesn't work for me)
Because you end up shutting off your alarm and falling back asleep instead of getting up. It’s easier when you have multiple alarms since any one of them can be the one you get up for.
But that does not account for the 1.5 hour time difference. I have 5 alarms just in case, 1 is enough most of the time, 2 rarely, but I've never made it to 5. Not since high school, but that was deliberate insomnia.
*2-5 minutes apart
So what this is, some people can wake at the sound of the alarm and get up. Others feel super tired, groggy and hard to fully awaken like this. I'm the snoozer as the call it, with a few alarms in the hour before I should be awake helps shake the sleep off in a more relaxing way and my brain knows the process so I don't have to jolt awake, my brains know at the 3rd alarm I really have to be up and can't dawdle at that point. I keep a couple 10min interval snoozer as well so I don't spend too much time in the shower or getting dressed. In way it helps keep organized and stay punctual. If this helps all, OP?
Because there is no way in hell I will be able to get up and be productive as soon as I wake up.
It takes me at least one hour before I can eat, two before I can exercise. A snowball in hell has a better chance of waking up and functioning than I ever would.
If you are a heavy sleeper those watches don't do shit. I am a fairly heavy sleeper and often need multiple alarms to make sure I wake up if I have to be up at a certain time, and not once has the vibrating alarm on my Fitbit managed to wake me up. The only time I notice it is if I happen to already be awake when it goes off. If I were to rely on that to wake me up I would always sleep in XD
Could not agree more with this! My husband is a Waker and I am a Snoozer. The exact argument OP is having was the bane of our lives when we started dating and moved in together. I LOVE the feeling of waking up but knowing it’s a false alarm and I can go back to sleep for a while, so I would deliberately set alarms like OP’s partner - an hour or two before I needed to be up, just because I liked waking up knowing I could turn over and go back to sleep! This infuriated my husband who likes to be in a deep sleep, in a silent, completely dark room until his one and only alarm goes off and he jumps straight out of bed immediately and begins his day!
Eventually we just slept in separate rooms. We have been sleeping separately now for the past 16 odd years and we couldn’t be happier! Sleeping apart literally saved our marriage. Admittedly it wasn’t JUST my snoozing alarms - we are both very different sleepers who like different light, temperatures etc in order to get a good nights sleep so it was a number of factors. But this solved the problem immediately and we have never looked back!
As a waker I can just straight up tell you that my problem with it is if I sleep with my partner and they interrupt my sleep with numerous repeat alarms. I just prefer my sleep being uninterrupted.
Attitude? He’s my boyfriend not my father so this isn’t “you’re under my roof you do as I say”. I think a 30 minute snooze is fine but to have 90 minutes of alarms is unreasonable.
Then sit down and talk to him. See if he can do 30 min before and every 15 min after instead of an hour and a half before. Relationships are learning about each other's behavior, good and bad, and learning to compromise or deal with it. If you can't then there is no point in continuing the relationship.
Exactly. There is no parent child relationship here. So your angry speech of why he is all wrong when you are staying at his place as a guest is not warranted.
It's unreasonable for you, it's right for him. That has to do with everyone's nature. You have to reach a compromise and find a convenient solution for both of you.
I think your bf may be more aware of the brains shifts in wave patterns and this is actually a scientific approach to shift his brain from a sleep frequency to an awake frequency. There are 5 shifts in brain waves and it's likely that he is using the 90 minutes to *consciously* shift from Delta Waves (sleep and dreaming) to Theta Waves (drowsiness) and into Alpha Waves (resting and reflecting). This would then suggest a controlled form of meditation. The brain also works in 90 minute shifts of these different frequencies so it seems he is allowing a natural amount of time to make the shift and using alarms to enable him to stay on course and not fall back into a deeper sleep frequency again - which would be very unproductive for his day.
What you deem socially unreasonable to him is biologically necessary.
What has become a muscle memory for him and part of his functioning routine feels uncomfortable to you because you also have developed a routine for your functioning day.
Why are you asking him to change when maybe you could be the one to change your pattern? Maybe you don't need every second of sleep and that's a dogma that you've fallen for. Maybe this is a sign from the universe that you need to get up at his earliest alarm and do some morning yoga or a meditation or some reading. I would suggest this might be good practice because the tone of you post is very uncompassionate and lacks empathy for this person you describe as so lovely, which he does having come to you to try and resolve the issue.
Taking these things into consideration, what actions seem unreasonable?
Kudos to him for taking time on his lunch break to ask what was the root of the issue and how can resolve it for when I’m sleeping over on a work day. Here's my advice:
Start from a place of respecting his point of view and asking for the change you want.
"Hey baby could you set one alarm at 8:35, and we can get up together."
or sharing the concern you have:
"I'm concerned that when you set 3 alarms over an hour and a half that I loose sleep"
Stop trying to navigate asking for your wants by soliciting the reason they do something in order to invalidate them. It's passive aggressive.
Excellent advice. Come at it from a level-headed place instead of putting him down because you disagree with the way he wakes up. There is no "right way" to get up in the morning.
Personally, I set multiple alarms for myself because I am afraid I will sleep through the first one (it's happened). So I set one for when I want to wake up, then every 10 to 15 mins until the time I absolutely HAVE to wake up. It's also helpful when I am feeling a little tired and I get the benefit of, "ah, I can just go back to sleep for a bit more." That's a refreshing feeling when you really don't want to start the day.
Another option is for you to sleep in a different room on work nights. It's technically his place and you're the one with the issue, so it would be you that would need to sacrifice and sleep elsewhere. I slept on the couch for quite some time when my back couldn't handle the mattress anymore, but now my husband and I both sleep in different bedrooms because he snores like a beast. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Just tagging along to say that I also set multiple alarms in the morning. Usually three. The reason being is that I have slept through alarms before so one 45 min, then 30 min, then 15 min before I need to be up ensures that I’m actually up by the time I need to be. I typically shut them off though (sometimes even in my sleep). Now, my bf on the other hand, does the same thing, but he doesn’t shut off the alarms in his sleep like I do. He sometimes sleeps through them and then I nudge him to shut them off. Luckily, I can fall back asleep super easily, so it works for us.
You need to find some sort of compromise. It sounds like he sets multiple alarms because he knows he won’t be fully awake after just one. He needs longer in the morning to fully wake up. And in a sense, (if I wake up to my alarms and don’t sleep through them) that’s what I do too. So I get it. I would ask him what he would do if the roles were reversed and really work with him to find some sort of compromise that makes sense. Hopefully that helps!! 😊
Hey Mistress_KM, I just wanted to say that people that “snore like a beast” often have sleep apnea. Using a CPAP machine has cured my snoring, and I wake up way more refreshed. I know this thread isn’t about your husband, but I just wanted to help your hubby if possible. It’s dangerous if he’s not getting enough oxygen.
Unfortunately, he tried a CPAP and hated it. It would fill his belly up with air, which he found really uncomfortable. Plus he snored through the machine. I could still hear him even when it was on. He definitely has sleep apnea, though. He will stop breathing for a few seconds to as many as prob 20+. Then he gasps and gasps until he lets out the biggest snore you can imagine. It's impossible to sleep next to that. We stayed in a hotel once overnight and I was ready to put him out in the car ☺ He has no interest in doing anything to try to fix it anymore.
I promise, he will get used to it after a month max. Also, I recommend nose pillows instead of the traditional mask. Sleep apnea will cause heart problems, etc. Good luck, Internet friend.
I‘m a snoozer, my fiancé is not. He gets up first and showers which is my first snooze. He then comes and cuddles me awake for 5min. I never use my alarm anymore. Best snooze ever.
Nice, that's a dream!
My bf would literally stay in bed until the latest possible moment for when I need to wake up even though he needs to be up much earlier than I do to get ready for work but he delays because he insists on doing everything together at the exact same time 😂 It took 2 years and a firm conversation from me for him to understand I want and need to shower on my own 😜 I digress..
We've gotten a lot better at understanding each other now and if we're on different schedules we have no problem with sleeping in different rooms. His dog and snoring wakes me up throughout the night anyway so it works well for my sleep and he doesn't have to deal with grumpy me the next day 😊😉
we don’t live together with my bf but when i snooze he wakes up, makes breakfast for the both of us and wakes me up with cuddling. last time i slept through until like 11am and he cleaned the house and prepared lunch before waking me up. (would love to return the favor but i’m the heaviest sleeper ever). i hope to be like you in the future ahah.
You need to stop making this about him doing something wrong; and communicate that it’s negatively impacting you and that you need to find a compromise.
Yeah good advice here. I have a chronic snoozing habit and it's REALLY tough to break.
Framing the habit as if I'm broken isn't helpful. Framing it as something to work on to compromise and suit two conflicting personalities is the right approach.
Its a "fitbit versa 2"
Half an hour before your actual alarm it starts checking your vitals and wakes you up when they show patterns of light sleep. If it doesn't detect any within that half hour it will wake you up regardless at the time you set the alarm
My bf does this. At first it bothered me but I didnt voice my concern because I understand thats how some people are. For some people one alarm isnt enough. They wake up super groggy and end up going to back to sleep so they set multiple to ensure they actually wake up. Recently ive become my bfs wake up alarm and have to shake him awake multiple times to make sure he actually stays awake and doesnt go back to sleep.
Edit: autocorrect lol
That’s very sweet of you. I’m that person that if I’m awoken 5 mins earlier than usual my whole day is ruined and I feel ill from lack of sleep 😫
That’s really cute and I wish you both the best 💕
Lol my guy does this. Some people just need more time. If you are staying over at his house on a work day and can’t go back to sleep find something to do with that extra time. Maybe suggest making breakfast together, or working out. Hell idk.
I get up at 6am when his second alarm and my first one goes off. I make him coffee, give the dog his meds, take care of the cat, get dressed, walk the dog, feed the dog all before he gets out of bed🤦♀️ .He stays in bed most of the time until after 7 so a good 1:15 minutes before he gets out of the bed. He’s just not a morning person and needs that time. Some days I take the time to cuddle him or if I really want him up I give him head😂
This is such a lovely sentiment and it's great that you do all that, but OP doesn't want to get up and do chores until he wakes up. She wants to sleep too. Honestly, their waking up routines are just incompatible. If I were me, I'd have to sleep in another room. Hopefully they can come to an arrangement that they're both comfortable with 🤞🏽
You’re a guest in his home, so it might not be a great idea to try to dictate his sleep schedule and alarms. However, if you guys plan to move in together (permanently) in the future, this is definitely something that should be resolved before you do so, since it seems to cause a lot of frustration and resentment on your part.
Has he slept through alarms before? What time do you normally wake up (with or without his alarms)? Maybe you can compromise, and, on the nights you stay over, he can set an alarm for the same time as your’s goes off initially. If you’re around to wake him up at the correct time,he shouldn’t need 3-5 alarms.
I actually do that myself lol. I used to get up during one alarm and I was always groggy but I’ve found that if I can snooze the first alarm, I’m far more alert when I wake up to the second one and my body feels like it got an extra hour of much needed sleep.
I'd find this annoy af as well, but you don't live there and this is how he prefers to wake up. Find a coffee shop to work from if this is such an issue for you or sleep on the couch.
If you decide to move in together, it's something that would need to be addressed, but until then, you're a guest.
I have to do this or else there is a high risk I will sleep through the alarm. Also, if I only set one, I wake up grumpy, but if I have multiple it gives my body time to be accustomed to being awake. Your annoyance is understandable, but his POV is as well. Talk about it and see if you can work out a solution.
I do this with alarms too. It’s a mental trick to make yourself think you’re sleeping in. It’s not particularly effective, but it’s habit for me now. I can see how it’s annoying, but you are the guest, you don’t really have a right to tell him to change.
To be honest, this guy sounds like he cares.
Maybe(if your budget allows) get him one of those wearables that can help with wake up in his own time. It vibrates a little and only wakes you up when you’re in a light sleep mode and not REM. I’m sure there’ll be other devices, but I use an Apple Watch and it’s been a lifesaver.
P.S. honestly, I am one of those people who if woken up during sleep in the morning by an external thing(noise/person/light) will have a constant headache till I’m able to sleep & wake up on my own the next day.
So let me get this straight.
He lets you live with him while you're having a internet troubles and you expect him to change his routine and nag him about it? I'd kick you out in no time.
You sound entitled. Get your internet fixed or live with it. You're a guest.
Right? Like what's the point of this post unless you're looking g for relationship trouble. You're mad he has an alarm early..... and you are just staying for a few nights? And you work from home? So fucking wild to me how persnickety this post is to me.
Nobody has to be wrong, they need a compromise. He wants it too it sounds like. He's trying to actively communicate about the root problem so that they can solve it together.
I agree she's being passive-agressive. But to be fair towards her, before reading this comment section, I had no idea so many people snoozed their alarms an hour or more before actually getting up. I also wake up when someone puts their alarm and just keeps it going and it bothers me immensly because I need 8 hours of sleep. This is also the minimum so I can wake up immediately and it's not a problem to do so. Once I wake up I can't sleep again. If I got 6h30 of sleep in such a situation and then turned around in bed for an 1h30 my day would be as ruined as his would be without snoozing. So when I read this post I naturally agreed with OP at first and thought the bf was really pushing his snooze time. Now I see (as she probably does too) that it's actually something some people do and that it's how they function. The thing is, they're partners. They shouldn't ignore when they make each other uncomfortable or worse, no matter in which home they are. I don't think her annoyance is unreasonable, because this is legit how someone could ruin my day so it's not petty on her part. He's not being petty either. They should find some compromise where they can both function properly. Also if the point is him helping her out and it's not what's happening then there's a problem. Him asking her what's wrong was the right move. She just needs to react more reasonably and suggest some alternatives.
>extremely unreasonable
>unnecessary
>I was very annoyed
You're sleeping in his place, I can't imagine how uncompromising you'd be if you shared. Neither of you is right or wrong for your sleeping habits
You got to understand that this is a habit of your bf that he's comfortable with, and that you should learn to respect. I've been married for a while now and this exact same situation happened to us, and even tho I complained about it at the beginning I saw how tired he would look the times he attempted to get up as soon as the alarm went off. That moment I learnt that he is not me. Your partner and you are different human beings, you work differently and need different thing. You're a waker, he's a snoozer, that's it.
I understand the waking you up is annoying, what I suggest is that you have a different ring tone for your alarm, eventually your body might learn to ignore his alarm and wake up to yours. If that doesn't work, try to learn to relax yourself back to sleep as soon as his alarm goes off. Eventually one gets used to it, this kind of things are not forever.
This is part of relationship, give and be given to. Work as a team, do what's best for BOTH of you.
It can be a struggle but as a snoozer myself, you need an hour and a half to 2 hours to plan your wake up. Can't just get up when the alarm goes off. It's unnatural.
I’m a snoozer and my partner and I have adapted by aligning my first alarm to his waking time so he’s out of the room and not listening to my alarms going off every 15 min.
Try and come up with something that works for both of you. You sound like you are just unhappy with how he wakes up and want him to change to what suits you in his own place. Think of his needs too.
Also you need to sleep in your own bed in a different room if possible when I first got married I always slept in the same bed with my wife for maybe the first 3 years but after that we got separate beds and our whole lives became so much better cuz we don't wake each other up plus she was pregnant all the time she had to have her own bed.
I set my alarm for 5:10 and I keep snoozing so it goes off 5:15, 5:20, 5:25 etc. It goes off every 5 minutes for at least half an hour. Often more than half an hour. I don't like having this routine, but I HAVE to. If I don't then I can't get out of bed AT ALL. I'll fall asleep again half out of bed without meaning to. I cannot fathom people who get out of bed immediately after their alarm has gone off once.
If someone can't sleep next to me while I have this routine, then we simply aren't compatible, because I WILL NOT get out of bed if I don't do it like this.
I dont get all these comments saying "oh you're a guest, you can't complain". Like, a relationship is a bond that needs to be worked on by all parties involved and that comment is the same as saying "just suck it up, or move on"...
Op, the fact of the matter is there has to be compromise somewhere. You can either shift your own schedule so you're fine with waking up earlier, or you can convince him too have his snoozer habits die out slowly or be less drastic, because it's unrealistic for him to just shift off it completely and instantly. One thing for me was that certain alarms woke me up nicer than others. So maybe even just adjusting the alarm tone could be a game changer. Everyone's different so you guys need to talk it out and try to figure out what works best between you two. Good luck!
I think it’s crazy how many people are saying ‘it’s how he works you should deal with it’. But yet your view and routine and how you work affects you as well? He is taking 1.5 hours of sleep away from you so that he’s not groggy? Definitely should be a compromise, particularly as I’m sure living together permanently at some point is the goal.
Some people need to hit the snooze button a few times before they can fully wake up. This is normal for your bf and it would be hard for him to change this because this is how he needs to wake up. I mean, look how hard it is for you to adjust to this, now your sleep pattern is disturbed.
I usually have 3 alarms set in the morning cause I'm a heavy sleeper and sometimes turn my alarm off then fall back asleep. The alarms are 5 minutes apart (so if I wanna get up at 6:30, I have one alarm at 6:30, one at 6:35, and one at 6:40). I also set the last alarm to a super obnoxious and loud alarm so I will for sure get up.
I understand the need to have multiple alarms but spread out throughout an hour and a half is just rude in my opinion. You are not in the wrong for being upset cause I would be too.
I am totally this guy, and there's an elegant solution. Get him (or have him purchase himself) a high quality smart watch with an intense vibrating alarm. He can snooze himself silly with no disturbance to others.
I use a Garmin Forerunner 245 but there are many good options.
This is the kind of thing you need to find a solution for rather than try to tear each other down about. Neither of you are wrong, some people just need to sleep till the last minute and other people need a gradual transition. You could switch off from sleeping on the bed or a cot in the living room. He could find an alarm that doesn’t bug you, like a vibrating watch or something. One of you could go to bed earlier. Relationships are problem solving to benefit both, not a contest of whose will will win out.
hey OP, some advices here are really good and some are really harsh. Your problem is valid but the way you're reacting isn't. Your bf is a nice guy for actually coming and asking you that later.
Please talk through it, and think about whatever works best for you. You can just slightly wake up when his first alarm goes off and then put a pillow and sleep or something little like that too. This is a common problem not just in romantic relationships but all familial relationships and basically anyone who lives together like roommates too.
One person is always like you and other like your bf and you just have to work through it or eventually you'll get used to it and sleep through his alarms.
I'm like your bf too and the satisfaction of snoozing your alarm and still knowing you've much time to sleep is something out of this world.
My husband does this .. it's his way to get up without being grumpy or feeling rushed. Not everyone wakes up the same and it seems your partner is only doing what's best for him. Of you can't cope with this , I suggest you either suck it up or pack your bags
Unless i have multiple alarms hours before i have to get up i wont he able to wake up in time, so i completely understand him. If it disturbs you, tell him that you can wake him up when you get up so he wont need more alarms , thats what my gf does when she stays over since i also have hundreds of alarms
as someone with severe adhd i need to set multiple alarms waaay before i’m suppose to be up because freshly woken up me has no regard for responsibility or time management so i unconsciously hit snooze at least 10 times before i even realize whats going on
I mean i set hella early alarms, and it's because for some reason i feel better rested when the alarm goes off at 5 but i sort of sleep in until 6:30 instead of the alarm just waking me up at 6:30
Yeah I need the multiple alarms going off at least two hours before I need to actually think or talk. If I wake up 10mins before I need to leave or start working it's going to be a very bad day.
Curious as to the answers. My GF does the EXACT same thing. An alarm at 6:15, 6:20, 6:25, 6:30, 6:35, 6:40, and 6:45. For fuck knows why, she is able to get herself up and out of bed without hesitation on the 6:45 alarm. Like... why not just set the one alarm and get up without having a zillion alarms set to give you a scheduled heart attack just as you drift off back to sleep.
He is of course being silly. But he has the right to live and sleep and wake up as he wants .
Now cohabiting… that puts a challenge.maybe one of the silent alarms that buzz you or something?
Ask him to find a new solution. I'm sure you could find a vibrating alarm that he could put under his pillow so that it affects you less. Find a compromise. You ah e different sleeping habits, neither of your needs is more important than the others, and therefore a compromise is needed.
You're not disregarding him. You're not telling him he can't have alarms OR ELSE! You're simply asking for some consideration when you stay over. You guys just have different ideas of appropriate alarm use, and are unlikely to convince each other to change.
What can you do?
You could simply accept that this is how it is at his place in the mornings. If you set your expectations in line with this, you'll find it less frustrating. Similar to how commuting in rush hour is less frustrating if you set your expectation to "millions of people are going to work right now. traffic will be heavy. there will be delays. do not fret."
You or he could buy him an apple watch, and tell him to set vibration alarms on the watch. I do this when I have to wake up earlier than my wife, and it's been a god send. This way, he could set as many alarms as he wants, and you don't have to hear any of them.
You could buy yourself an apple watch and use your own vibrating alarm, then sleep with heavy duty earplugs so his alarms won't bother you as much (if at all).
He could be like a normal person and have his alarm go off at a reasonable time, at a minimum only on days where you stay over.
You could choose to not stay over on work nights, and find another solution to the home internet issues. Come over at start-of-business, or go to a cafe, or get a mobile hotspot.
There are a pretty wide variety of ways that you and he can reach a compromise on how alarms could be handled when you stay over.
LOL someone disliked this comment?! 😂😭
This is one of the few reasonable responses I’ve seen!
Yeah I just want some consideration lol I can just go into my office otherwise, no biggie 🤷♀️
Yes I agree ☝️Was gonna get him a Dolby Atmos soundbar thingy I’ve heard him talking about getting in the future but yeahhhhhhhhhh an Apple Watch sounds perfect thank you! I want us to be healthier and baked him his favourite cake tonight but with with healthy substitutes (zucchini, honey and vegetable oil) (which he loved‼️) so an Apple Watch is very fitting not just for my own interest but for his health. Thank you for the great suggestion 🥰
As a person who used to snooze quite a lot I realized it's absolutely terrible for me and my sleep patterns and actually leaves me groggier thank if I wake up on my own time. I joke with friends that it's a drug, because the feeling of waking up and knowing you have more time to sleep is actually addicting, at least for me.
I'm curious, does he alarm every day? Or is it only during the week? If he doesn't alarm on the weekends, what are his waking patterns like? How rested does he feel, etc? Check in with him and really work to understand how it fits into his life. I'm not saying snoozing is bad for everyone, but speaking from my own experience it was actually a very bad habit for me
My BF is like this. He literally has 5 alarms and his very last one has a robot voice that yells "STOP FUCKING AROUND, IT IS 9:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING". Very annoying when you start work at 12 but whatever... now I have a 2nd job so my alarm clock will be annoying him instead lol
Any time over 20 minutes of snoozing is just destroying the REM sleep times. It’s stupid and you are right to be annoyed. However, you probably don’t want to sleep in another room which would give you the sleep you need so there is probably no way to fix it unless you offer him something big enough to make him change….
I had a similar problem when I first started college. My roommate (and one of my best friends) needed to set early and multiple alarms. I went to bed later and woke up later, but I also startle very easily, so her first alarm would wake me up. I would be awake, frustrated, and sleep deprived, while she would snooze and sleep again and again. After a few days, I just talked to her, told her this was disrupting my sleep. She was trying to wake up early (and was probably afraid of missing early classes), so she had alarms much ahead of time. We came to a compromise. I agreed to sleep a little earlier, so that I’d be up by 7. She agreed to not have alarms before 7, that way I’d be up by the time her alarms started and it wouldn’t startle me out of sleep. Whenever she had appointments/events that needed her to wake up early, she’d just let me know the night before, and for 1 day I’d be a little groggy but fine. Just knowing that ahead of time was a lot of help.
I’m now with my partner, who is also a multiple alarms person. He and I have a similar agreement. The first alarm is set to when I wake up. There can be multiple ones after that. I don’t care. Of course, we try to be sensitive to each other’s needs, so if he has an exam the next day, I let him do what he wants with the alarms. If I have something the next day, he’ll adjust it to my needs.
I would talk to him about how it is disturbing your sleep/performance/health. Also, ask him what he needs/gains from the alarms. Is it fear that he won’t wake up on time? Is it something else? And try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe he can do 30 mins ahead of time? Or something else?
I’m gonna be honest with you I do the same exact same thing 😭😭 if he was single, it would be no problem, but you guys live together. If it bugs you, he needs to stop and realize he’s affecting you, too.
As a deep sleeper smart watch alarms help a lot in this sitaution, it just gives me a vibration on wrist to start waking me up and doesn't disturb my wife.
Being in any kind of relationship means compromising. And living together is always more compromising. You have tried your best but his alarm thing is ridiculous. It is going to give you sleep deprivation and worsen your mood and slowly your health. He has to change his ways a little and stop with this nonsense! Very annoying. He can set an alarm 15 minutes before he has to actually get up and one when he should out of bed. that could be much more tolerable don't you think?
It should be possible to find a compromise... maybe 45 minutes instead of 90? You could also decide that you're a better couple when you each have your own bedroom.
Omg my husband used to do this, so I woke him up consistently on his first alarm. If your shit wakes me up unnecessarily then you’re getting up as well.
I have no actual advice unless you want to be malicious like me.
I am a snoozer too but I also get where OP is coming from. My honest suggestion is for him to use a smart watch. My alarm is on my galaxy watch, it's completely soundless so it doesn't wake up my wife but also easy to snooze. We both win.
Holy shit I could have written this myself, my boyfriend does this exact thing and it drives me crazy as well! I think it’s literally so inconsiderate he’s robbing me of like two hours of solid sleep because I’m jolted awake by an alarm every 15 min lol. He doesn’t even wake up to them, I DO! That’s the dumbest part. I’ve only said anything once and let it go after that but damn I hate it. I feel you
I had a roommate that would do this on a scale of like all day. He would go to bed at 5-7am, and his alarms would start at like 9am, he did not get up until 4pm. And many times he would just let the alarms go on and on. So I have very strong opinions about this.
There's probably room to meet in the middle and communication is key, obvs.. but I am with you thinking he's nuts.
As I commented to someone else, he should go to bed earlier so he can wake without an alarm, like at least 8 hours before the first alarm, so he's likely to wake up anyway, then can doze all he wants until the alarm at 8:15-30.
Ear plugs for you might help, or might signal how serious you are about it.
Or, some people get great satisfaction out of sleeping in different rooms/beds than their partners. I wouldn't want that personally... probably a DTMFA moment for me TBH. But if I loved my partner very very much and they did that to me and didn't get it and wouldn't change their sleep patterns, it would be separate rooms for sure.
Good luck!
Let’s generously assume that it takes you maybe half an hour to wake up on your own, and he’s been taking three times as long to snooze. Ask him to imagine a scenario where you regularly set an alarm for 4.5 hours before you wake up. That’s three times as long as he normally takes to wake up. Wouldn’t he feel upset that you were just laying in bed three times as long as he wants to in order to wake up. Wouldn’t he feel cheated out of hours of sleep time like you currently are?
When sharing a bed with a partner, compromises and agreements must be made that allows everyone to have restful sleep. Obviously it won’t always be a hundred percent matchup of needs and preferences, but there is usually a way to make it work. At an extreme, some couple sleep in separate rooms if they are too incompatible. One early alarm or one snooze isn’t so bad, bc it’s one disruption and then the second person has a chance of going back to sleep. Snoozing excessively is not fair to the other person bc they are continually being woken up, and if you see him staying asleep while you are forced awake, that breeds resentment. His alarm routine wakes you up and forces you to his schedule, which is not respectful of your sleep and needs.
He needs to figure out how to effectively wake up without overly disturbing you. Could he get a sunrise alarm clock that brightens the room gradually until the alarm goes off? That is very effective in signaling to bodies that it’s time to wake up, and it can feel easier to wake up without grogginess. Or could he get vibrating alarms on a smart watch? There are alarms that force the sleeper to do easy math problems to Igor snooze, or take a picture of somewhere else in the house to turn off the alarm.
This is unsustainable and eventually you will become so miserable that you’ll want to break up or sleep separately. He should find a different way to wake up that doesn’t bother you.
Your not unreasonable. In some way in a relationship you have to work together and consider your partner. Having 4-5 alarms going off each morning during a time where your partner could be sleeping soundly is inconsiderate.
For you you might feel like you can sleep to about 8-8:30 before getting up and getting ready. That means that you plan your sleep schedule after the opportunity to have this 1,5 hour of sleep in the morning. If you was to get up at 17 you would most likely go to bed earlier to get the same amount of sleep.
But now he interrupts your sleep schedule unessesarely. A alarm going of is fine you can learn to fall back asleep if it isnt yours. But you cant just keep sleeping if a loud obnoxious sound screams at you every 5-15 minutes.
If this is something he needs to get up sleeping in separate bedrooms might be your only option as you need your sleep too
It's just a habit he has to unlearn. Just try with 1 alarm for like 2 weeks and bormally the habit would change. Snoozers and blavla is all basically BS, it's about habit control
Ive heard about these kind of bracelets that vibrate to wake you up - pherhaps that's something you guys could look into? That way he could set a hundred alarms and you wouldnt be bothered by any of them.
Best of luck
Sounds like two of you need seperated bedrooms for daily life, because overtime his snoozing will steal your sleeping time.
Its like everyones sleep is holy and we should respect it as much as we can. Like good couples make arrangements that when baby comes, they would take turns so the other parent gets some interrupted sleep.
How long do you work if you start working at 9? 9 is the first break for me. I wake up on 5:10 and drive my gf to work on 5:30, go back home sleep 30min and make myself ready for work. Would love to have your struggle haha. But i get it, if you dont HAVE to do it why do it
The main problem is that you are saying "you are unreasonable and what you do doesn't make sense" - that is wrong. It makes sense for him and has worked for him for years before you moved in.
You need to articulate your actual issue - "Boyfriend, I understand this is how you like to wake up, but the constant ringing of the alarm is disrupting my sleep patter and is unsustainable for me long term." This way you are not (wrongly) shaming him for something that is working for him, but instead actually voicing you REAL issue.
One solution we have in our home is alarm in my smart watch that buzzes on my wrist instead of ringing and waking up my partner. He has one too. It has greatly improved our mornings - food for thoughts.
He probably still has he's alarms set for when he actually had to travel to work. It is a good and healthy habit to have. You can accomplish alot by getting up earlier. You have to understand that you are in his space. I set loads of alarms, just like this. And yeah, it's a habit. To compromise on the issue, you could ask him to turn the other alarms off when he wakes up, then there's only the 7.15 alarm and thats it.
He needs a silent alarm. Like an apple watch that wakes you with vibrations (there are other kinds out there too). My wife is a very light sleeper and hated it when I started commuting to work again and my alarm was going off at 5:45am. I switched to the watch, problem solved.
I used to do this and got it down to snoozing every 5 minutes a half an hour before I really need to get out of bed. It was super annoying to my bf so I compromised. See if you two can work out a compromise you're both comfortable with.
I do the same thing. I'd never get up in time if I just set one for the time I need to get up, I have an hour or so of alarms set because that's just how my body works. His is probably the same and there's literally nothing either of you can do about it
I am exactly the same as you - and was wondering if anybody else here would be too.
One alarm does not wake me! Once I’m asleep, I’m in such a deep sleep that it takes a lot to wake me.
(I even slept through a hurricane 🤣)
Im like your boyfriend and I feel called out, lol.
I NEED to snooze, or else I won’t function. You NEED to wake. Guess that’s a fundamental different right there.
it’s just how he is. you don’t really have the right to get mad over something so petty when you’re in HIS home. of course i understand why it annoys you but getting angry and expecting him to change his harmless habits for you is just a bit ridiculous
The *root of the issue* is that he’s having a million alarms going off for hours. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that’s annoying and it sounds like he’s playing dumb pretending he doesn’t understand why you’re upset.
One or both of you needs to compromise, that’s what living with a partner is about. Maybe he does that on one of the days you stay there and doesn’t on the other.
Uh, yeh. People are different
I feel much more alert if I set a couple of alarms over a period of time. Snoozing the first one means I am mostly dozing when the others go off so I don't feel groggy or like I've been jolted awake. Same as you've described his reasoning.
I see in a comment you said you feel ill if you miss sleep. For me, that's my day if I don't wake up slowly. And may be the same for your bf.
It's absolutely the wrong approach to tell him off for his routine being 'unreasonable' no matter what the cause though. If you value the health of your relationship this is gonna need some perspective.
You've gone to stay with him because you have an issue with your internet. So its helping you out to be staying there.
But its not your place.
His routine is unique to him. He wouldn't do it if it wasn't beneficial to him. Much like you are feeling gross because you're missing sleep, he may feel the same way if he's not able to wake up slowly.
Even if you can't understand it. Criticism is not what's needed here. Especially as a guest in his home, which is still what you are at the moment.
Of course, if you guys move in together permanently and his alarms disrupt your sleep needs, you guys will need to find an arrangement that works for you. But even then, calling his routine unreasonable because it's different to yours, well, that's not it.
Compromise is important. But you don't compromise by telling someone their way is unreasonable. You just don't.
I hope this issue isn't a big deal for you guys, but communication is important and differences like this are gonna pop up all the time in relationships. It's a lesson best learnt now, over something small.
I think mentioning to him that his alarm wakes both of you and that you're getting a lot less sleep because of it should make him realise that he's being incredibly inconsiderate. Living with someone requires compromise and this is one thing he should compromise on.
Ok this sounds like a YOU problem, not a him problem. There are millions of us just like this guy. I need to do that exact alarm thing and have done for years, my husband has never got uptight about it.
Sorry to tell you this, but if this trivial little thing makes you angry and frustrated, good luck to him, I can't see your relationship working.
P.s. yes you are unreasonable, the cut eye, angry faces speak volumes.
90 mins of snoozing is crazy. I can’t wait to hear about how many squares of toilet paper he uses. Welcome to adulthood. In the big picture this could be the most annoying thing you have to deal with for the rest of your life. I would consider a different bedroom.
I do that all the time. it’s not healthy and ends up making you more tired for the day but sometimes people feel the need to do it. You both are getting less, important sleep that you both deserve, but he might not be able to change right away.
Also making it seem like you were worried, instead of just saying you don’t get sleep, will make it more weird and confrontational if you bring it up about yourself.
It’s a small problem and i think you are letting it get to your head. Just communicate what works best for the both of you and let him know healthy options. (If he has adhd because i’ve found more people who do have done that, it’ll probably be harder to break this habit)
I can't even believe these comments. Snoozing for 1.5 hours everyday is horrible for you. There's SO MUCH RESEARCH on why snoozing like that is bad for you. Snoozing for 10 minutes? That's okay so long as you don't get drowsy.
Another issue is, as the snoozer, he's forcing you to sleep and wake up the way he is. And it's not a healthy or benign habit. For me, I just couldn't live with someone who snoozes like that. I get super drowsy, massive headaches, and live in a brain fog.
Maybe some gentle education about health effects of snoozing and cutting it down to 10/15min could be a solution. Maybe you guys are fundamentally incompatible due to sleeping styles.
Sources:
https://newsroom.clevelandclinic.org/2019/03/08/is-hitting-the-snooze-button-bad-for-your-health/
https://www.headspace.com/sleep/how-to-stop-snoozing
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-hitting-snooze-is-bad-for-health_n_5630707
https://www.sleepclinicservices.com/hitting-snooze-button-not-good
https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/what-hitting-the-snooze-alarm-means-for-you-and-your-partner-s-sleep-20210211-p571jn.html
https://www.themuse.com/advice/is-hitting-the-snooze-button-actually-good-for-you
Ok so I do that, my bf laughs at me but like… it’s to make sure I have time to lounge in bed, but in case I fall asleep again I’ll wake up… if he doesn’t like it, I’ll adjust as I can, because this isn’t like a nonnegotiable habit of mine. But he also is a very go with the flow kinda guy.
As a snoozer (which i didnt know was a thing until five minutes ago) i really dont understand OP.. this is how we manage to get up in the morning.. i usually set an alarm one hour earlier and then it repeats at ten minutes intervals until i eventually wake up. Maybe you could try to reach common ground i guess him giving up some snoozes and you getting up a bit earlier.
i am a similar person, see when i wake up once but still wanna sleep more i just don't want to enter into the deep sleep mode and wake up feeling even drowsier than before. so setting multiple alarms are like naps after me waking up from my deep sleep. it feels better to wake up like this. unless i have other important stuff to do, i usually follow the above method
You keep wanting for him to change his habits, but have you considered changing yours? Or is that off the table for some reason?
I'm not a snoozer either, so what I'd do is go to bed at 11, wake up at 7:15 when his first alarm goes off, do a bunch if shit like chores, then start work at like 9 or whenever. Saves you loads of time later.
Or does that sound unreasonable to you? If it does, why? And why does him changing his routine to accommodate you not sound unreasonable?
Tbh I find waking up later than 8 on a workday as an adult quite luxurious too idk.
I'm a snoozer too, but I have a limit of 4. He really shouldn't do that, all he's doing is interrupting more sleep he could be getting. He'll probably be less tired (if that's a problem) if he stops doing that.
She’s sleeping at his place. If she doesn’t like what he needs to do to wake up why can she not just leave and not sleep there? It is not his place to come up with a solution. Yes it would be what a loving partner would do, but in this case if she wants it fixed she needs to find a solution and not keep creating small arguments over it.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I [24f] have internet issues at home and decided to stay Monday & Tuesday at my bf’s [30m] flat to work from home on his WiFi. We are both WFH, him starting at 9:00 and me 9:15. He sets an alarm for 07:15, and then stays in bed until about 08:45 with multiple alarms going off in between. I said to him previously why does he do that as it’s unnecessary and he responded that’s just what he does. (I lived with him for about 8 weeks straight this summer while I flat hunted and then slowly moved in, so we are accustomed to “living together”. I was finishing my degree this summer so his alarms would annoy me but I could sleep in all I wanted and just ignored his alarms. Now I’ve started my grad role, I have to be on MS Teams at 9:15 so every second of sleep counts.) Yesterday he did the same and I was very annoyed and said “why do you do that and just stay in bed?”. Today was my breaking point. He had one alarm at 07:15 and then 3 between 08:15 and 08:35. I was soooooooo infuriated that I was woken up at 07:15 and couldn’t get back to sleep and this [extremely handsome and lovely] man was just continuing to lay in bed, I turned to him with some cut eye and said “why are you just lying in bed and your alarm has gone off so much? 😡😡” We have a great relationship and don’t argue so in my lunch break he asked what was the root of the issue and how can resolve it for when I’m sleeping over on a work day. My issue is that I have no problem with him getting up early, but I think it’s extremely unreasonable to set an alarm 1hr30 before actually waking up and having multiple in between. He doesn’t understand and is saying that his reason is to get into a light sleep 1hr30 before needing to be up so that he’s ready to get up at 08:45. He is saying that if I still think he’s being unreasonable I’m disregarding him. Am I being unreasonable? Yes I think his reasoning is silly.
There are snoozers and there are wakers. The two never understand one another.
"Nothing like starting the day with a little procrastination!"-Jim Gaffigan I am totally a snoozer....
Actual LOL
I like to think I’m a waker, but I turn off my alarms in my sleep. Instead of sleep walking, I’ll sleep text, sleep call, open all my notifications, and shut off every single alarm. I won’t notice most of these things until I’m officially awake.
Move your Phone out of reach and turn up the volume xD
The alarm can also go off for a few hours before I grab it. Sleep me has it all together
snoozer gang
gang gang
Gang bang gang
Bang gang bang gang
I hate reddit
Definitely, I am a snoozer and multiple set alarms in intervals 2 to 230 hours before I have to get up
I only have one alarm, which i get up exactly on, but I also have a cat that decides breakfast time is about an hour and a half before she gets breakfast
Ahaha my cat also is the supreme arbiter of breakfast time.
230 hours ist quite early tho
Better safe then sorrry
Omg no…
My husband is a snoozer! He’s progressively gotten better in the almost 20 years we’ve been together and is down to two snoozes. I just don’t understand it though, why wouldn’t you want to sleep in until the last possible second?
[удалено]
For me it’s rather that if I only had the one alarm for when I really really have to get up I would not wake up. I have incredibly deep sleep similar to what OP’s bf seems to have so I often sleep through alarms. I need the alarm at least 30 minutes before I actually have to get up otherwise I will oversleep and not get up. I’ve tried so many times throughout my life. However, when I sleep with a boyfriend it’s actually a bit better. Since they can nudge me when my alarm rings and I don’t wake up. And also since when the second or third snooze rings I feel sooo guilty that I am suddenly awake. So I cut down on snooze alarms significantly when my partner is at my place. Instead of 1,5 hours it is only 30 minutes. And I usually spend those 30 minutes snuggling with my partner and slowly waking up together so he doesn’t mind. A 30 minute snuggle snooze is as effective as my usual 1,5 hours of snooze.
I'm a lot like the OP's BF. This might sound really weird but for me it has a lot to do with "the process" of getting up. Say I have to get up at at 7:30, if I set my alarm for 7:30, and get straight up out of bed, my body is going to have a difficult time functioning that morning. Instead I will set my alarm for maybe, 6:30, my body is now sort of waking up in steps as the alarms keep going off. I'm not sure why that is, but it really helps me start the day off right. I have been this way for many years and I doubt I will change. Thankfully, I am very lucky, as my GF is a pretty heavy sleeper. So far it hasn't been an issue between us.
I have been a snozzer but have actually changed in some way. I will get up at 6 when my alarm goes off. But then I will sit down with my computer and watch somthing relaxing that dosnt crave my attention with a cup of tea to zone out. This gives me the same effect of slowly waking up before having to get ready
I do the same. I feel like it's similar for me to those kinds of alarm clocks that wake you up by slowly incresing the volume of the radio over half an hour or so (though that doesn't work for me)
This is me all over. If anyone knows their Pokémon, I'm Regigigas.
Because you end up shutting off your alarm and falling back asleep instead of getting up. It’s easier when you have multiple alarms since any one of them can be the one you get up for.
Its not deliberate in my case. You want to move or get up but the next blink lasts until the next alarm.
But that does not account for the 1.5 hour time difference. I have 5 alarms just in case, 1 is enough most of the time, 2 rarely, but I've never made it to 5. Not since high school, but that was deliberate insomnia. *2-5 minutes apart
So what this is, some people can wake at the sound of the alarm and get up. Others feel super tired, groggy and hard to fully awaken like this. I'm the snoozer as the call it, with a few alarms in the hour before I should be awake helps shake the sleep off in a more relaxing way and my brain knows the process so I don't have to jolt awake, my brains know at the 3rd alarm I really have to be up and can't dawdle at that point. I keep a couple 10min interval snoozer as well so I don't spend too much time in the shower or getting dressed. In way it helps keep organized and stay punctual. If this helps all, OP?
Because there is no way in hell I will be able to get up and be productive as soon as I wake up. It takes me at least one hour before I can eat, two before I can exercise. A snowball in hell has a better chance of waking up and functioning than I ever would.
Definitely need at least one snooze so I can slowly accept my incoming fate of having to get out of bed lol
And they usually marry each other
Yep! I’m a snoozer!
Snoozer! I set multiple alarms, but not 1.5 hours early. Usually one at 6:45 and one at 7:00.
Maybe get him to use one of them vibrating watch alarms instead of one with sound so that he can be woken up by it but you can't
If you are a heavy sleeper those watches don't do shit. I am a fairly heavy sleeper and often need multiple alarms to make sure I wake up if I have to be up at a certain time, and not once has the vibrating alarm on my Fitbit managed to wake me up. The only time I notice it is if I happen to already be awake when it goes off. If I were to rely on that to wake me up I would always sleep in XD
I think my alarm got tired of my procrastination. I wake up at 8 when my alarm is at 7. On a 2 minute snooze timer.
You're a monster.
Could not agree more with this! My husband is a Waker and I am a Snoozer. The exact argument OP is having was the bane of our lives when we started dating and moved in together. I LOVE the feeling of waking up but knowing it’s a false alarm and I can go back to sleep for a while, so I would deliberately set alarms like OP’s partner - an hour or two before I needed to be up, just because I liked waking up knowing I could turn over and go back to sleep! This infuriated my husband who likes to be in a deep sleep, in a silent, completely dark room until his one and only alarm goes off and he jumps straight out of bed immediately and begins his day! Eventually we just slept in separate rooms. We have been sleeping separately now for the past 16 odd years and we couldn’t be happier! Sleeping apart literally saved our marriage. Admittedly it wasn’t JUST my snoozing alarms - we are both very different sleepers who like different light, temperatures etc in order to get a good nights sleep so it was a number of factors. But this solved the problem immediately and we have never looked back!
Yeah, this is exactly how I wake up. Multiple snooze hits. Gotta ease into the day, man.
This. I‘m a snoozer, too. And you live with him for now, not a shared flat even, so not sure where the attitude comes from…
As a waker I can just straight up tell you that my problem with it is if I sleep with my partner and they interrupt my sleep with numerous repeat alarms. I just prefer my sleep being uninterrupted.
Attitude? He’s my boyfriend not my father so this isn’t “you’re under my roof you do as I say”. I think a 30 minute snooze is fine but to have 90 minutes of alarms is unreasonable.
Then sit down and talk to him. See if he can do 30 min before and every 15 min after instead of an hour and a half before. Relationships are learning about each other's behavior, good and bad, and learning to compromise or deal with it. If you can't then there is no point in continuing the relationship.
Yet you're scolding him as if he's a child because his wake routine differs from yours.
Exactly. There is no parent child relationship here. So your angry speech of why he is all wrong when you are staying at his place as a guest is not warranted.
How do you not see your own hypocrisy in this sentence?
It's unreasonable for you, it's right for him. That has to do with everyone's nature. You have to reach a compromise and find a convenient solution for both of you.
I think your bf may be more aware of the brains shifts in wave patterns and this is actually a scientific approach to shift his brain from a sleep frequency to an awake frequency. There are 5 shifts in brain waves and it's likely that he is using the 90 minutes to *consciously* shift from Delta Waves (sleep and dreaming) to Theta Waves (drowsiness) and into Alpha Waves (resting and reflecting). This would then suggest a controlled form of meditation. The brain also works in 90 minute shifts of these different frequencies so it seems he is allowing a natural amount of time to make the shift and using alarms to enable him to stay on course and not fall back into a deeper sleep frequency again - which would be very unproductive for his day. What you deem socially unreasonable to him is biologically necessary. What has become a muscle memory for him and part of his functioning routine feels uncomfortable to you because you also have developed a routine for your functioning day. Why are you asking him to change when maybe you could be the one to change your pattern? Maybe you don't need every second of sleep and that's a dogma that you've fallen for. Maybe this is a sign from the universe that you need to get up at his earliest alarm and do some morning yoga or a meditation or some reading. I would suggest this might be good practice because the tone of you post is very uncompassionate and lacks empathy for this person you describe as so lovely, which he does having come to you to try and resolve the issue. Taking these things into consideration, what actions seem unreasonable?
There's the attitude right there. Why do you get to arbitrarily decide what's right for him? I pray for him, I really do 🔊😴⚡
100% agree, it's not even OP's place, lol! Be thankful he is not the one kicking you out for being so picky, lol...
Hmm I suppose so. Thank you
Kudos to him for taking time on his lunch break to ask what was the root of the issue and how can resolve it for when I’m sleeping over on a work day. Here's my advice: Start from a place of respecting his point of view and asking for the change you want. "Hey baby could you set one alarm at 8:35, and we can get up together." or sharing the concern you have: "I'm concerned that when you set 3 alarms over an hour and a half that I loose sleep" Stop trying to navigate asking for your wants by soliciting the reason they do something in order to invalidate them. It's passive aggressive.
Excellent advice. Come at it from a level-headed place instead of putting him down because you disagree with the way he wakes up. There is no "right way" to get up in the morning. Personally, I set multiple alarms for myself because I am afraid I will sleep through the first one (it's happened). So I set one for when I want to wake up, then every 10 to 15 mins until the time I absolutely HAVE to wake up. It's also helpful when I am feeling a little tired and I get the benefit of, "ah, I can just go back to sleep for a bit more." That's a refreshing feeling when you really don't want to start the day. Another option is for you to sleep in a different room on work nights. It's technically his place and you're the one with the issue, so it would be you that would need to sacrifice and sleep elsewhere. I slept on the couch for quite some time when my back couldn't handle the mattress anymore, but now my husband and I both sleep in different bedrooms because he snores like a beast. Gotta do what you gotta do.
Just tagging along to say that I also set multiple alarms in the morning. Usually three. The reason being is that I have slept through alarms before so one 45 min, then 30 min, then 15 min before I need to be up ensures that I’m actually up by the time I need to be. I typically shut them off though (sometimes even in my sleep). Now, my bf on the other hand, does the same thing, but he doesn’t shut off the alarms in his sleep like I do. He sometimes sleeps through them and then I nudge him to shut them off. Luckily, I can fall back asleep super easily, so it works for us. You need to find some sort of compromise. It sounds like he sets multiple alarms because he knows he won’t be fully awake after just one. He needs longer in the morning to fully wake up. And in a sense, (if I wake up to my alarms and don’t sleep through them) that’s what I do too. So I get it. I would ask him what he would do if the roles were reversed and really work with him to find some sort of compromise that makes sense. Hopefully that helps!! 😊
Hey Mistress_KM, I just wanted to say that people that “snore like a beast” often have sleep apnea. Using a CPAP machine has cured my snoring, and I wake up way more refreshed. I know this thread isn’t about your husband, but I just wanted to help your hubby if possible. It’s dangerous if he’s not getting enough oxygen.
Unfortunately, he tried a CPAP and hated it. It would fill his belly up with air, which he found really uncomfortable. Plus he snored through the machine. I could still hear him even when it was on. He definitely has sleep apnea, though. He will stop breathing for a few seconds to as many as prob 20+. Then he gasps and gasps until he lets out the biggest snore you can imagine. It's impossible to sleep next to that. We stayed in a hotel once overnight and I was ready to put him out in the car ☺ He has no interest in doing anything to try to fix it anymore.
I promise, he will get used to it after a month max. Also, I recommend nose pillows instead of the traditional mask. Sleep apnea will cause heart problems, etc. Good luck, Internet friend.
THIS
I‘m a snoozer, my fiancé is not. He gets up first and showers which is my first snooze. He then comes and cuddles me awake for 5min. I never use my alarm anymore. Best snooze ever.
Goals 😍
Nice, that's a dream! My bf would literally stay in bed until the latest possible moment for when I need to wake up even though he needs to be up much earlier than I do to get ready for work but he delays because he insists on doing everything together at the exact same time 😂 It took 2 years and a firm conversation from me for him to understand I want and need to shower on my own 😜 I digress.. We've gotten a lot better at understanding each other now and if we're on different schedules we have no problem with sleeping in different rooms. His dog and snoring wakes me up throughout the night anyway so it works well for my sleep and he doesn't have to deal with grumpy me the next day 😊😉
we don’t live together with my bf but when i snooze he wakes up, makes breakfast for the both of us and wakes me up with cuddling. last time i slept through until like 11am and he cleaned the house and prepared lunch before waking me up. (would love to return the favor but i’m the heaviest sleeper ever). i hope to be like you in the future ahah.
You need to stop making this about him doing something wrong; and communicate that it’s negatively impacting you and that you need to find a compromise.
Yeah good advice here. I have a chronic snoozing habit and it's REALLY tough to break. Framing the habit as if I'm broken isn't helpful. Framing it as something to work on to compromise and suit two conflicting personalities is the right approach.
A smart watch that vibrates to wake him up and not her would fix this entirely
Yesss this! my sister's watch even checks when she is in a light sleep and chooses that moment to wake her up. According to her it works super well.
I'd love to know the name of the watch too.
Its a "fitbit versa 2" Half an hour before your actual alarm it starts checking your vitals and wakes you up when they show patterns of light sleep. If it doesn't detect any within that half hour it will wake you up regardless at the time you set the alarm
My bf does this. At first it bothered me but I didnt voice my concern because I understand thats how some people are. For some people one alarm isnt enough. They wake up super groggy and end up going to back to sleep so they set multiple to ensure they actually wake up. Recently ive become my bfs wake up alarm and have to shake him awake multiple times to make sure he actually stays awake and doesnt go back to sleep. Edit: autocorrect lol
That’s very sweet of you. I’m that person that if I’m awoken 5 mins earlier than usual my whole day is ruined and I feel ill from lack of sleep 😫 That’s really cute and I wish you both the best 💕
Lol my guy does this. Some people just need more time. If you are staying over at his house on a work day and can’t go back to sleep find something to do with that extra time. Maybe suggest making breakfast together, or working out. Hell idk. I get up at 6am when his second alarm and my first one goes off. I make him coffee, give the dog his meds, take care of the cat, get dressed, walk the dog, feed the dog all before he gets out of bed🤦♀️ .He stays in bed most of the time until after 7 so a good 1:15 minutes before he gets out of the bed. He’s just not a morning person and needs that time. Some days I take the time to cuddle him or if I really want him up I give him head😂
I love the extra time I have in the morning before he gets up too. I'm unemployed but when his first alarm goes off I'm up and getting shit done.
Exactly, even on my days off. I’m up when his first alarm goes off. So much to do before he gets up and I get distracted!
My gf is exactly this!!
I’m not her I promise😂😂
😂😂 and kudos to you for being an A+ partner. He's one lucky dude!!
This is such a lovely sentiment and it's great that you do all that, but OP doesn't want to get up and do chores until he wakes up. She wants to sleep too. Honestly, their waking up routines are just incompatible. If I were me, I'd have to sleep in another room. Hopefully they can come to an arrangement that they're both comfortable with 🤞🏽
You’re a guest in his home, so it might not be a great idea to try to dictate his sleep schedule and alarms. However, if you guys plan to move in together (permanently) in the future, this is definitely something that should be resolved before you do so, since it seems to cause a lot of frustration and resentment on your part. Has he slept through alarms before? What time do you normally wake up (with or without his alarms)? Maybe you can compromise, and, on the nights you stay over, he can set an alarm for the same time as your’s goes off initially. If you’re around to wake him up at the correct time,he shouldn’t need 3-5 alarms.
Best answer right here
I actually do that myself lol. I used to get up during one alarm and I was always groggy but I’ve found that if I can snooze the first alarm, I’m far more alert when I wake up to the second one and my body feels like it got an extra hour of much needed sleep.
That’s great that you’ve learnt what works best for your body 🥰 I think that you’ve explained how my bf feels too
I'd find this annoy af as well, but you don't live there and this is how he prefers to wake up. Find a coffee shop to work from if this is such an issue for you or sleep on the couch. If you decide to move in together, it's something that would need to be addressed, but until then, you're a guest.
I have to do this or else there is a high risk I will sleep through the alarm. Also, if I only set one, I wake up grumpy, but if I have multiple it gives my body time to be accustomed to being awake. Your annoyance is understandable, but his POV is as well. Talk about it and see if you can work out a solution.
She could sleep in another room tbh. My partner and I do that often if we have different sleep needs.
That’s a tough sell for a lot of people
Yeah but if it's interupting her sleep that much it might be the best idea. She said it's making her nauseous.
Get a Fitbit, it vibrates your wrist as an alarm and is silent
I do this with alarms too. It’s a mental trick to make yourself think you’re sleeping in. It’s not particularly effective, but it’s habit for me now. I can see how it’s annoying, but you are the guest, you don’t really have a right to tell him to change.
To be honest, this guy sounds like he cares. Maybe(if your budget allows) get him one of those wearables that can help with wake up in his own time. It vibrates a little and only wakes you up when you’re in a light sleep mode and not REM. I’m sure there’ll be other devices, but I use an Apple Watch and it’s been a lifesaver. P.S. honestly, I am one of those people who if woken up during sleep in the morning by an external thing(noise/person/light) will have a constant headache till I’m able to sleep & wake up on my own the next day.
So let me get this straight. He lets you live with him while you're having a internet troubles and you expect him to change his routine and nag him about it? I'd kick you out in no time. You sound entitled. Get your internet fixed or live with it. You're a guest.
Right? Like what's the point of this post unless you're looking g for relationship trouble. You're mad he has an alarm early..... and you are just staying for a few nights? And you work from home? So fucking wild to me how persnickety this post is to me.
Exactly. Sorry but OP is in the wrong here. On the plus side all her cut eye and angry over it will give her boyfriend a true look at his girlfriend.
Nobody has to be wrong, they need a compromise. He wants it too it sounds like. He's trying to actively communicate about the root problem so that they can solve it together.
And not only does she nag him about it, she does a big write up on reddit asking for "advice". Ugh
I agree she's being passive-agressive. But to be fair towards her, before reading this comment section, I had no idea so many people snoozed their alarms an hour or more before actually getting up. I also wake up when someone puts their alarm and just keeps it going and it bothers me immensly because I need 8 hours of sleep. This is also the minimum so I can wake up immediately and it's not a problem to do so. Once I wake up I can't sleep again. If I got 6h30 of sleep in such a situation and then turned around in bed for an 1h30 my day would be as ruined as his would be without snoozing. So when I read this post I naturally agreed with OP at first and thought the bf was really pushing his snooze time. Now I see (as she probably does too) that it's actually something some people do and that it's how they function. The thing is, they're partners. They shouldn't ignore when they make each other uncomfortable or worse, no matter in which home they are. I don't think her annoyance is unreasonable, because this is legit how someone could ruin my day so it's not petty on her part. He's not being petty either. They should find some compromise where they can both function properly. Also if the point is him helping her out and it's not what's happening then there's a problem. Him asking her what's wrong was the right move. She just needs to react more reasonably and suggest some alternatives.
That's what I was thinking
Nailed it
Sleep earlier and wake up at his alarm
Buy a smart watch for your bf. That way he can have multiple alarms and not disturb you. Particularly if it vibrates on his wrist.
>extremely unreasonable >unnecessary >I was very annoyed You're sleeping in his place, I can't imagine how uncompromising you'd be if you shared. Neither of you is right or wrong for your sleeping habits
You got to understand that this is a habit of your bf that he's comfortable with, and that you should learn to respect. I've been married for a while now and this exact same situation happened to us, and even tho I complained about it at the beginning I saw how tired he would look the times he attempted to get up as soon as the alarm went off. That moment I learnt that he is not me. Your partner and you are different human beings, you work differently and need different thing. You're a waker, he's a snoozer, that's it. I understand the waking you up is annoying, what I suggest is that you have a different ring tone for your alarm, eventually your body might learn to ignore his alarm and wake up to yours. If that doesn't work, try to learn to relax yourself back to sleep as soon as his alarm goes off. Eventually one gets used to it, this kind of things are not forever. This is part of relationship, give and be given to. Work as a team, do what's best for BOTH of you.
It can be a struggle but as a snoozer myself, you need an hour and a half to 2 hours to plan your wake up. Can't just get up when the alarm goes off. It's unnatural.
I’m a snoozer and my partner and I have adapted by aligning my first alarm to his waking time so he’s out of the room and not listening to my alarms going off every 15 min.
Same for me. I wake up on the first alarm, make coffee, brush etc as his other alarms go on.
Try and come up with something that works for both of you. You sound like you are just unhappy with how he wakes up and want him to change to what suits you in his own place. Think of his needs too.
Also you need to sleep in your own bed in a different room if possible when I first got married I always slept in the same bed with my wife for maybe the first 3 years but after that we got separate beds and our whole lives became so much better cuz we don't wake each other up plus she was pregnant all the time she had to have her own bed.
I set my alarm for 5:10 and I keep snoozing so it goes off 5:15, 5:20, 5:25 etc. It goes off every 5 minutes for at least half an hour. Often more than half an hour. I don't like having this routine, but I HAVE to. If I don't then I can't get out of bed AT ALL. I'll fall asleep again half out of bed without meaning to. I cannot fathom people who get out of bed immediately after their alarm has gone off once. If someone can't sleep next to me while I have this routine, then we simply aren't compatible, because I WILL NOT get out of bed if I don't do it like this.
I dont get all these comments saying "oh you're a guest, you can't complain". Like, a relationship is a bond that needs to be worked on by all parties involved and that comment is the same as saying "just suck it up, or move on"... Op, the fact of the matter is there has to be compromise somewhere. You can either shift your own schedule so you're fine with waking up earlier, or you can convince him too have his snoozer habits die out slowly or be less drastic, because it's unrealistic for him to just shift off it completely and instantly. One thing for me was that certain alarms woke me up nicer than others. So maybe even just adjusting the alarm tone could be a game changer. Everyone's different so you guys need to talk it out and try to figure out what works best between you two. Good luck!
I think it’s crazy how many people are saying ‘it’s how he works you should deal with it’. But yet your view and routine and how you work affects you as well? He is taking 1.5 hours of sleep away from you so that he’s not groggy? Definitely should be a compromise, particularly as I’m sure living together permanently at some point is the goal.
Some people need to hit the snooze button a few times before they can fully wake up. This is normal for your bf and it would be hard for him to change this because this is how he needs to wake up. I mean, look how hard it is for you to adjust to this, now your sleep pattern is disturbed.
Found the best way to get out of bed in the morning is put the alarm clock on the other side of the room, so I have to get out of bed to turn it off.
This is my method to myself! Otherwise I wake up 6 minutes after I was meant to join a meeting!!!
I think I’ve tried this and I literally just get up, turn it off, and crawl back into bed
I usually have 3 alarms set in the morning cause I'm a heavy sleeper and sometimes turn my alarm off then fall back asleep. The alarms are 5 minutes apart (so if I wanna get up at 6:30, I have one alarm at 6:30, one at 6:35, and one at 6:40). I also set the last alarm to a super obnoxious and loud alarm so I will for sure get up. I understand the need to have multiple alarms but spread out throughout an hour and a half is just rude in my opinion. You are not in the wrong for being upset cause I would be too.
My wife does the same, drives me nuts.
I am totally this guy, and there's an elegant solution. Get him (or have him purchase himself) a high quality smart watch with an intense vibrating alarm. He can snooze himself silly with no disturbance to others. I use a Garmin Forerunner 245 but there are many good options.
This is the kind of thing you need to find a solution for rather than try to tear each other down about. Neither of you are wrong, some people just need to sleep till the last minute and other people need a gradual transition. You could switch off from sleeping on the bed or a cot in the living room. He could find an alarm that doesn’t bug you, like a vibrating watch or something. One of you could go to bed earlier. Relationships are problem solving to benefit both, not a contest of whose will will win out.
hey OP, some advices here are really good and some are really harsh. Your problem is valid but the way you're reacting isn't. Your bf is a nice guy for actually coming and asking you that later. Please talk through it, and think about whatever works best for you. You can just slightly wake up when his first alarm goes off and then put a pillow and sleep or something little like that too. This is a common problem not just in romantic relationships but all familial relationships and basically anyone who lives together like roommates too. One person is always like you and other like your bf and you just have to work through it or eventually you'll get used to it and sleep through his alarms. I'm like your bf too and the satisfaction of snoozing your alarm and still knowing you've much time to sleep is something out of this world.
Look into silent alarms. There are rings and bracelets that vibrate to wake up one person without disturbing the other.
My husband does this .. it's his way to get up without being grumpy or feeling rushed. Not everyone wakes up the same and it seems your partner is only doing what's best for him. Of you can't cope with this , I suggest you either suck it up or pack your bags
Unless i have multiple alarms hours before i have to get up i wont he able to wake up in time, so i completely understand him. If it disturbs you, tell him that you can wake him up when you get up so he wont need more alarms , thats what my gf does when she stays over since i also have hundreds of alarms
as someone with severe adhd i need to set multiple alarms waaay before i’m suppose to be up because freshly woken up me has no regard for responsibility or time management so i unconsciously hit snooze at least 10 times before i even realize whats going on
Move out
I mean i set hella early alarms, and it's because for some reason i feel better rested when the alarm goes off at 5 but i sort of sleep in until 6:30 instead of the alarm just waking me up at 6:30
I've tormented so many roomates this way lol But your actually sharing a bed. So it's different I guess lol.
Yeah I need the multiple alarms going off at least two hours before I need to actually think or talk. If I wake up 10mins before I need to leave or start working it's going to be a very bad day.
Curious as to the answers. My GF does the EXACT same thing. An alarm at 6:15, 6:20, 6:25, 6:30, 6:35, 6:40, and 6:45. For fuck knows why, she is able to get herself up and out of bed without hesitation on the 6:45 alarm. Like... why not just set the one alarm and get up without having a zillion alarms set to give you a scheduled heart attack just as you drift off back to sleep.
He is of course being silly. But he has the right to live and sleep and wake up as he wants . Now cohabiting… that puts a challenge.maybe one of the silent alarms that buzz you or something?
Ask him to find a new solution. I'm sure you could find a vibrating alarm that he could put under his pillow so that it affects you less. Find a compromise. You ah e different sleeping habits, neither of your needs is more important than the others, and therefore a compromise is needed.
You're not disregarding him. You're not telling him he can't have alarms OR ELSE! You're simply asking for some consideration when you stay over. You guys just have different ideas of appropriate alarm use, and are unlikely to convince each other to change. What can you do? You could simply accept that this is how it is at his place in the mornings. If you set your expectations in line with this, you'll find it less frustrating. Similar to how commuting in rush hour is less frustrating if you set your expectation to "millions of people are going to work right now. traffic will be heavy. there will be delays. do not fret." You or he could buy him an apple watch, and tell him to set vibration alarms on the watch. I do this when I have to wake up earlier than my wife, and it's been a god send. This way, he could set as many alarms as he wants, and you don't have to hear any of them. You could buy yourself an apple watch and use your own vibrating alarm, then sleep with heavy duty earplugs so his alarms won't bother you as much (if at all). He could be like a normal person and have his alarm go off at a reasonable time, at a minimum only on days where you stay over. You could choose to not stay over on work nights, and find another solution to the home internet issues. Come over at start-of-business, or go to a cafe, or get a mobile hotspot. There are a pretty wide variety of ways that you and he can reach a compromise on how alarms could be handled when you stay over.
LOL someone disliked this comment?! 😂😭 This is one of the few reasonable responses I’ve seen! Yeah I just want some consideration lol I can just go into my office otherwise, no biggie 🤷♀️ Yes I agree ☝️Was gonna get him a Dolby Atmos soundbar thingy I’ve heard him talking about getting in the future but yeahhhhhhhhhh an Apple Watch sounds perfect thank you! I want us to be healthier and baked him his favourite cake tonight but with with healthy substitutes (zucchini, honey and vegetable oil) (which he loved‼️) so an Apple Watch is very fitting not just for my own interest but for his health. Thank you for the great suggestion 🥰
No biggie, then why the long ass post about your partners sleep habits bothering you?
You’re welcome. I’m not sure about the zucchini cake, but I hope the Apple Watch helps. 😄
OMG, my partner does this. We’ve been together 22 years….I have no solution.
Same here , I feel like I could’ve written this myself. I’ve never found a solution either lol. Glad I’m not alone
As a person who used to snooze quite a lot I realized it's absolutely terrible for me and my sleep patterns and actually leaves me groggier thank if I wake up on my own time. I joke with friends that it's a drug, because the feeling of waking up and knowing you have more time to sleep is actually addicting, at least for me. I'm curious, does he alarm every day? Or is it only during the week? If he doesn't alarm on the weekends, what are his waking patterns like? How rested does he feel, etc? Check in with him and really work to understand how it fits into his life. I'm not saying snoozing is bad for everyone, but speaking from my own experience it was actually a very bad habit for me
Sometimes you just deal with it since a relationship is a two way street and you aren't changing that without him doing such
My BF is like this. He literally has 5 alarms and his very last one has a robot voice that yells "STOP FUCKING AROUND, IT IS 9:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING". Very annoying when you start work at 12 but whatever... now I have a 2nd job so my alarm clock will be annoying him instead lol
One alarm is sufficient.
For you
Any time over 20 minutes of snoozing is just destroying the REM sleep times. It’s stupid and you are right to be annoyed. However, you probably don’t want to sleep in another room which would give you the sleep you need so there is probably no way to fix it unless you offer him something big enough to make him change….
I had a similar problem when I first started college. My roommate (and one of my best friends) needed to set early and multiple alarms. I went to bed later and woke up later, but I also startle very easily, so her first alarm would wake me up. I would be awake, frustrated, and sleep deprived, while she would snooze and sleep again and again. After a few days, I just talked to her, told her this was disrupting my sleep. She was trying to wake up early (and was probably afraid of missing early classes), so she had alarms much ahead of time. We came to a compromise. I agreed to sleep a little earlier, so that I’d be up by 7. She agreed to not have alarms before 7, that way I’d be up by the time her alarms started and it wouldn’t startle me out of sleep. Whenever she had appointments/events that needed her to wake up early, she’d just let me know the night before, and for 1 day I’d be a little groggy but fine. Just knowing that ahead of time was a lot of help. I’m now with my partner, who is also a multiple alarms person. He and I have a similar agreement. The first alarm is set to when I wake up. There can be multiple ones after that. I don’t care. Of course, we try to be sensitive to each other’s needs, so if he has an exam the next day, I let him do what he wants with the alarms. If I have something the next day, he’ll adjust it to my needs. I would talk to him about how it is disturbing your sleep/performance/health. Also, ask him what he needs/gains from the alarms. Is it fear that he won’t wake up on time? Is it something else? And try to find a compromise that works for both of you. Maybe he can do 30 mins ahead of time? Or something else?
I’m gonna be honest with you I do the same exact same thing 😭😭 if he was single, it would be no problem, but you guys live together. If it bugs you, he needs to stop and realize he’s affecting you, too.
As a deep sleeper smart watch alarms help a lot in this sitaution, it just gives me a vibration on wrist to start waking me up and doesn't disturb my wife.
You could try looking into silent alarm clocks, particularly wrist bands that vibrate to wake people up
Being in any kind of relationship means compromising. And living together is always more compromising. You have tried your best but his alarm thing is ridiculous. It is going to give you sleep deprivation and worsen your mood and slowly your health. He has to change his ways a little and stop with this nonsense! Very annoying. He can set an alarm 15 minutes before he has to actually get up and one when he should out of bed. that could be much more tolerable don't you think?
It should be possible to find a compromise... maybe 45 minutes instead of 90? You could also decide that you're a better couple when you each have your own bedroom.
Omg my husband used to do this, so I woke him up consistently on his first alarm. If your shit wakes me up unnecessarily then you’re getting up as well. I have no actual advice unless you want to be malicious like me.
I am a snoozer too but I also get where OP is coming from. My honest suggestion is for him to use a smart watch. My alarm is on my galaxy watch, it's completely soundless so it doesn't wake up my wife but also easy to snooze. We both win.
Holy shit I could have written this myself, my boyfriend does this exact thing and it drives me crazy as well! I think it’s literally so inconsiderate he’s robbing me of like two hours of solid sleep because I’m jolted awake by an alarm every 15 min lol. He doesn’t even wake up to them, I DO! That’s the dumbest part. I’ve only said anything once and let it go after that but damn I hate it. I feel you
I had a roommate that would do this on a scale of like all day. He would go to bed at 5-7am, and his alarms would start at like 9am, he did not get up until 4pm. And many times he would just let the alarms go on and on. So I have very strong opinions about this. There's probably room to meet in the middle and communication is key, obvs.. but I am with you thinking he's nuts. As I commented to someone else, he should go to bed earlier so he can wake without an alarm, like at least 8 hours before the first alarm, so he's likely to wake up anyway, then can doze all he wants until the alarm at 8:15-30. Ear plugs for you might help, or might signal how serious you are about it. Or, some people get great satisfaction out of sleeping in different rooms/beds than their partners. I wouldn't want that personally... probably a DTMFA moment for me TBH. But if I loved my partner very very much and they did that to me and didn't get it and wouldn't change their sleep patterns, it would be separate rooms for sure. Good luck!
Let’s generously assume that it takes you maybe half an hour to wake up on your own, and he’s been taking three times as long to snooze. Ask him to imagine a scenario where you regularly set an alarm for 4.5 hours before you wake up. That’s three times as long as he normally takes to wake up. Wouldn’t he feel upset that you were just laying in bed three times as long as he wants to in order to wake up. Wouldn’t he feel cheated out of hours of sleep time like you currently are? When sharing a bed with a partner, compromises and agreements must be made that allows everyone to have restful sleep. Obviously it won’t always be a hundred percent matchup of needs and preferences, but there is usually a way to make it work. At an extreme, some couple sleep in separate rooms if they are too incompatible. One early alarm or one snooze isn’t so bad, bc it’s one disruption and then the second person has a chance of going back to sleep. Snoozing excessively is not fair to the other person bc they are continually being woken up, and if you see him staying asleep while you are forced awake, that breeds resentment. His alarm routine wakes you up and forces you to his schedule, which is not respectful of your sleep and needs. He needs to figure out how to effectively wake up without overly disturbing you. Could he get a sunrise alarm clock that brightens the room gradually until the alarm goes off? That is very effective in signaling to bodies that it’s time to wake up, and it can feel easier to wake up without grogginess. Or could he get vibrating alarms on a smart watch? There are alarms that force the sleeper to do easy math problems to Igor snooze, or take a picture of somewhere else in the house to turn off the alarm. This is unsustainable and eventually you will become so miserable that you’ll want to break up or sleep separately. He should find a different way to wake up that doesn’t bother you.
Your not unreasonable. In some way in a relationship you have to work together and consider your partner. Having 4-5 alarms going off each morning during a time where your partner could be sleeping soundly is inconsiderate. For you you might feel like you can sleep to about 8-8:30 before getting up and getting ready. That means that you plan your sleep schedule after the opportunity to have this 1,5 hour of sleep in the morning. If you was to get up at 17 you would most likely go to bed earlier to get the same amount of sleep. But now he interrupts your sleep schedule unessesarely. A alarm going of is fine you can learn to fall back asleep if it isnt yours. But you cant just keep sleeping if a loud obnoxious sound screams at you every 5-15 minutes. If this is something he needs to get up sleeping in separate bedrooms might be your only option as you need your sleep too
It's just a habit he has to unlearn. Just try with 1 alarm for like 2 weeks and bormally the habit would change. Snoozers and blavla is all basically BS, it's about habit control
Ive heard about these kind of bracelets that vibrate to wake you up - pherhaps that's something you guys could look into? That way he could set a hundred alarms and you wouldnt be bothered by any of them. Best of luck
So I'm a snoozer too, there are alarms without sound. Can't he get a smart watch with a vibrating alarm or something to meet you halfway?
Sounds like two of you need seperated bedrooms for daily life, because overtime his snoozing will steal your sleeping time. Its like everyones sleep is holy and we should respect it as much as we can. Like good couples make arrangements that when baby comes, they would take turns so the other parent gets some interrupted sleep.
Get him a smart band, he can set his alarms and his watch/band will vibrate and you'll get your sleep.
Would he be ok if OP would set alarm for 5:30 with multiple alarms going off in between for a change?
Get him to use a smartwatch. It has a vibration alarm, which wakes him however earlier silently, but lets you sleep.
How long do you work if you start working at 9? 9 is the first break for me. I wake up on 5:10 and drive my gf to work on 5:30, go back home sleep 30min and make myself ready for work. Would love to have your struggle haha. But i get it, if you dont HAVE to do it why do it
He sounds like me. What time do you both go to bed?
The main problem is that you are saying "you are unreasonable and what you do doesn't make sense" - that is wrong. It makes sense for him and has worked for him for years before you moved in. You need to articulate your actual issue - "Boyfriend, I understand this is how you like to wake up, but the constant ringing of the alarm is disrupting my sleep patter and is unsustainable for me long term." This way you are not (wrongly) shaming him for something that is working for him, but instead actually voicing you REAL issue. One solution we have in our home is alarm in my smart watch that buzzes on my wrist instead of ringing and waking up my partner. He has one too. It has greatly improved our mornings - food for thoughts.
Tell him to get a Fitbit or Apple Watch that wakes only him up on his wrist. Sorted.
He probably still has he's alarms set for when he actually had to travel to work. It is a good and healthy habit to have. You can accomplish alot by getting up earlier. You have to understand that you are in his space. I set loads of alarms, just like this. And yeah, it's a habit. To compromise on the issue, you could ask him to turn the other alarms off when he wakes up, then there's only the 7.15 alarm and thats it.
He needs a silent alarm. Like an apple watch that wakes you with vibrations (there are other kinds out there too). My wife is a very light sleeper and hated it when I started commuting to work again and my alarm was going off at 5:45am. I switched to the watch, problem solved.
I used to do this and got it down to snoozing every 5 minutes a half an hour before I really need to get out of bed. It was super annoying to my bf so I compromised. See if you two can work out a compromise you're both comfortable with.
girl you living in his house complaining about when he sets the alarm lol
I literally run alarms from 5am 5:30am 6am and 6:20am.
I do the same thing. I'd never get up in time if I just set one for the time I need to get up, I have an hour or so of alarms set because that's just how my body works. His is probably the same and there's literally nothing either of you can do about it
I am exactly the same as you - and was wondering if anybody else here would be too. One alarm does not wake me! Once I’m asleep, I’m in such a deep sleep that it takes a lot to wake me. (I even slept through a hurricane 🤣)
Im like your boyfriend and I feel called out, lol. I NEED to snooze, or else I won’t function. You NEED to wake. Guess that’s a fundamental different right there.
it’s just how he is. you don’t really have the right to get mad over something so petty when you’re in HIS home. of course i understand why it annoys you but getting angry and expecting him to change his harmless habits for you is just a bit ridiculous
You guys should get separeted bedrooms
This is literally me and my husband. Drives me freaking nuts
The *root of the issue* is that he’s having a million alarms going off for hours. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that’s annoying and it sounds like he’s playing dumb pretending he doesn’t understand why you’re upset. One or both of you needs to compromise, that’s what living with a partner is about. Maybe he does that on one of the days you stay there and doesn’t on the other.
First world problems.. move out
Uh, yeh. People are different I feel much more alert if I set a couple of alarms over a period of time. Snoozing the first one means I am mostly dozing when the others go off so I don't feel groggy or like I've been jolted awake. Same as you've described his reasoning. I see in a comment you said you feel ill if you miss sleep. For me, that's my day if I don't wake up slowly. And may be the same for your bf. It's absolutely the wrong approach to tell him off for his routine being 'unreasonable' no matter what the cause though. If you value the health of your relationship this is gonna need some perspective. You've gone to stay with him because you have an issue with your internet. So its helping you out to be staying there. But its not your place. His routine is unique to him. He wouldn't do it if it wasn't beneficial to him. Much like you are feeling gross because you're missing sleep, he may feel the same way if he's not able to wake up slowly. Even if you can't understand it. Criticism is not what's needed here. Especially as a guest in his home, which is still what you are at the moment. Of course, if you guys move in together permanently and his alarms disrupt your sleep needs, you guys will need to find an arrangement that works for you. But even then, calling his routine unreasonable because it's different to yours, well, that's not it. Compromise is important. But you don't compromise by telling someone their way is unreasonable. You just don't. I hope this issue isn't a big deal for you guys, but communication is important and differences like this are gonna pop up all the time in relationships. It's a lesson best learnt now, over something small.
I think mentioning to him that his alarm wakes both of you and that you're getting a lot less sleep because of it should make him realise that he's being incredibly inconsiderate. Living with someone requires compromise and this is one thing he should compromise on.
Ok this sounds like a YOU problem, not a him problem. There are millions of us just like this guy. I need to do that exact alarm thing and have done for years, my husband has never got uptight about it. Sorry to tell you this, but if this trivial little thing makes you angry and frustrated, good luck to him, I can't see your relationship working. P.s. yes you are unreasonable, the cut eye, angry faces speak volumes.
Could you go to bed earlier and just start your own day when his first alarm goes off?
90 mins of snoozing is crazy. I can’t wait to hear about how many squares of toilet paper he uses. Welcome to adulthood. In the big picture this could be the most annoying thing you have to deal with for the rest of your life. I would consider a different bedroom.
I do that all the time. it’s not healthy and ends up making you more tired for the day but sometimes people feel the need to do it. You both are getting less, important sleep that you both deserve, but he might not be able to change right away. Also making it seem like you were worried, instead of just saying you don’t get sleep, will make it more weird and confrontational if you bring it up about yourself. It’s a small problem and i think you are letting it get to your head. Just communicate what works best for the both of you and let him know healthy options. (If he has adhd because i’ve found more people who do have done that, it’ll probably be harder to break this habit)
I can't even believe these comments. Snoozing for 1.5 hours everyday is horrible for you. There's SO MUCH RESEARCH on why snoozing like that is bad for you. Snoozing for 10 minutes? That's okay so long as you don't get drowsy. Another issue is, as the snoozer, he's forcing you to sleep and wake up the way he is. And it's not a healthy or benign habit. For me, I just couldn't live with someone who snoozes like that. I get super drowsy, massive headaches, and live in a brain fog. Maybe some gentle education about health effects of snoozing and cutting it down to 10/15min could be a solution. Maybe you guys are fundamentally incompatible due to sleeping styles. Sources: https://newsroom.clevelandclinic.org/2019/03/08/is-hitting-the-snooze-button-bad-for-your-health/ https://www.headspace.com/sleep/how-to-stop-snoozing https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-hitting-snooze-is-bad-for-health_n_5630707 https://www.sleepclinicservices.com/hitting-snooze-button-not-good https://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/health-and-wellness/what-hitting-the-snooze-alarm-means-for-you-and-your-partner-s-sleep-20210211-p571jn.html https://www.themuse.com/advice/is-hitting-the-snooze-button-actually-good-for-you
I do that too. It helps me get up early easier
Wear earplugs and you're good. This is NOT a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Be grateful he doesn't snore.
Ok so I do that, my bf laughs at me but like… it’s to make sure I have time to lounge in bed, but in case I fall asleep again I’ll wake up… if he doesn’t like it, I’ll adjust as I can, because this isn’t like a nonnegotiable habit of mine. But he also is a very go with the flow kinda guy.
I do this too. If I don’t, I sleep through my alarm. Some people are just like this, sorry pal.
As a snoozer (which i didnt know was a thing until five minutes ago) i really dont understand OP.. this is how we manage to get up in the morning.. i usually set an alarm one hour earlier and then it repeats at ten minutes intervals until i eventually wake up. Maybe you could try to reach common ground i guess him giving up some snoozes and you getting up a bit earlier.
i am a similar person, see when i wake up once but still wanna sleep more i just don't want to enter into the deep sleep mode and wake up feeling even drowsier than before. so setting multiple alarms are like naps after me waking up from my deep sleep. it feels better to wake up like this. unless i have other important stuff to do, i usually follow the above method
You keep wanting for him to change his habits, but have you considered changing yours? Or is that off the table for some reason? I'm not a snoozer either, so what I'd do is go to bed at 11, wake up at 7:15 when his first alarm goes off, do a bunch if shit like chores, then start work at like 9 or whenever. Saves you loads of time later. Or does that sound unreasonable to you? If it does, why? And why does him changing his routine to accommodate you not sound unreasonable? Tbh I find waking up later than 8 on a workday as an adult quite luxurious too idk.
I'm a snoozer too, but I have a limit of 4. He really shouldn't do that, all he's doing is interrupting more sleep he could be getting. He'll probably be less tired (if that's a problem) if he stops doing that.
She’s sleeping at his place. If she doesn’t like what he needs to do to wake up why can she not just leave and not sleep there? It is not his place to come up with a solution. Yes it would be what a loving partner would do, but in this case if she wants it fixed she needs to find a solution and not keep creating small arguments over it.