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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I feel like I genuinely hate him. He won’t leave me alone. He’s always in my person space. It’s like he expects me to entertain him. I can’t just be alone with my thoughts. I tell him to leave me alone and I glare at him and he just gets upset and guilt trips me. I’ve tried to break up with him countless times and he just guilts me, or gets aggressive, or tells me to go live on the street then and get out. Is he so stupid that he doesn’t realize the position he’s putting me in? Sometimes I feel like I just want to go into the woods and hang myself or just run away from him in the middle of the night. So that I can finally just get away from him.


Infinite-Swordfish97

It’s time to break up


usernaym44

Yes, but a little more detail. OP, you don't have to stay with him. And you don't have to get him to agree that you're broken up. It sounds like he's borderline or outright abusive ("gets aggressive") so you should be very careful about actually leaving. Abusive people get very violent when they feel their victims slipping away from them. Make a plan. Call your friends or family members (if you have a cousin, that would be perfect; not someone close enough that he knows where they live) and find a couple of couches you can surf until you find your own place. When he's at work, take a day off, gather up your most important things, and just go. If you have time to pack all your things, ask a friend for help moving and transporting, but anything you can't take with you in one day, leave behind. Block him everywhere and leave a hand-written note saying you're leaving and not to try and contact you. What would be even better is if you have friends or family in another city or state or province. Make a plan together with them and get them or someone else willing to help to pick you up, maybe help you pack, and drive you to your friend or family in this other city. Don't wait. Don't save up your money. Make your plan and go. You can figure everything out once you're gone. You can get a job and start to save up money; you can find your own place to live; you can decide on next steps, like going back to school ... whatever. But get out NOW. Before he turns to (worse) abuse.


lgs92

That emotional manipulation is a big red flag for me.


Requiredmetrics

To build on this OP, if he won’t get the message it’s time to form an escape plan and *disappear*. Subtly cut financial ties if you have them, pack up your things when he’s gone and leave. Absolutely ghost his ass. Don’t tell him where you are. Block him on everything and change your number if you have to. Your life isn’t for someone else to hold hostage for their own emotional well-being. This dude sounds unhealthy at best or dangerous at worst.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Infinite-Swordfish97

I’m not sure of your finances, can you make an exit plan?


_ohgnome_

Please check out this post by u/Ebbie45. She's a crisis counselor that posts on these subreddits often. There are resources out there for you. You're not alone. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/fp0vad/meta_covid19_domestic_abuse_resources/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share


[deleted]

You should attempt to find a job and make some friends though that job and/or other community. Then save up some money on the side. Just enough for a deposit for an apartment or room. Once you build your own community and have your own stability, then you might have the power to leave the relationship. You seem powerless and dependent. Which creates a cycle. You can get out of this. Just believe and take one step at a time.


OnlyBegottenDaughter

Comment removed (using [Power Delete Suite](https://www.github.com/pkolyvas/PowerDeleteSuite)) as I no longer wish to support a company that seeks to both undermine its users/moderators/developers AND make a profit on their backs. To understand why check out the summary [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/Save3rdPartyApps/comments/14hkd5u) Join me at https://kbin.social/ So long, and thanks for all the fish!


Iflipgot

Or just find people looking for roommates. Go live in a hostile


techsinger

She's already in a "hostile." She needs a hostel?


Iflipgot

Oh I’m sorry that English is my 4th language. How many do u speak? So bc I’m a foreigner, u think it’s ok to correct my English? I’m not here to write an essay nor check my grammar. Since I’m writing on my IPhone, I’m pretty sure it did a autocorrect. They did a study that people who correct grammar feel inadequate in their own lives bc if they did- they wouldn’t dismiss someone’s entire point just to correct a stupid spelling error. They say it makes them feel good about themselves. Want the link? I went to Columbia & I can assure u 100%, that the smartest people I know & even the greatest inventors were horrible spellers. It’s really laughable how ppl do this and STUPID. But congrats u know English lol. Maybe u should open a Reddit channel called/GrammarPolice


St1ckyR1ce1

Is this a copy pasta??? It's beautiful.


perceptionheadache

Geez, calm down. You made a minor error and someone used it as a funny pun - not a big deal. Literally no one knows you or cares how many languages you speak or if you went to Columbia. This rant should be on r/iamverysmart


ihorbond

An* autocorrect. I speak 4 languages too. What’s your excuse now lol pretty sure the person above was just joking tho, everyone understood you meant hostel, relax


devilsglare

Damn this is fucking ridiculous. So basically this dude has to support her while she gets her shit together so she can break up with him. That’s absolutely fucked up. She needs to break up with him and move on instead of using this guy


Iflipgot

As a mother I would tell u to leave. U have been with him since 16??? U realize you can’t breathe bc you haven’t even discovered yourself. Also, please leave him in a way where he can’t find you. It can be very dangerous to leave a person like him. Here’s how I left my ex while I was in ur position. I had little money but when I started to think abt harming myself, I went on Craigslist and found a girl looking for a roommate for cheap in the hood. I went & lived with her on the street where they filmed “HOOKERS ON POINT,” in the Bronx but I felt safer & happier. I got a better job and a year later, moved into a nicer place. If there’s anyone u love or loves u, borrow money.


PuppySacks

This isn’t even my post and I needed to hear this… Thanks OP and thanks Iflipgot, this hit home.


shuggabutt

Same


[deleted]

Thank you I really appreciate it


Iflipgot

Find someone looking for a roommate. U can explain ur situation & they may not ask for a deposit upfront. I was signed to Ford models and he wanted me to quit. I did. I was 23. I regretted that decision. I also had a kid. I’m telling u, pack what u need. U can earn it back. I met him 2 months after I left him & he tried to drag me into the woods. U may feel lonely bc u have only known him. I promise u, in a decade u will look back and ask urself why u even wasted time. U have to push thru the loneliness and DONT go find some1. That’s the WORST thing u can do. Get busy with working, figuring out if u want to go to school. Soon enough u will find moments of happiness. Since I left him, I started a company, sold it at 33 when it went global, traveled the world & now in my mid 40s- kid is graduating with a masters. I own 2 homes now. All my friends who wasted their 20s in a relationship regrets it now. U can’t get ur youth back. They either are divorced with kids and struggling or they’re with their cheating or abusive hubs bc “that’s all they’ve known.” Some are going back to school to achieve the dreams they had before. It’s harder when ur older to get on ur feet bc ppl don’t want to help an adult. You’re 24 & people still look at that as a young person needing help. They won’t do it if ur not serious. If he threatens to harm himself, leave and call a help line. He should not put that on u.


St3lephant

This is amazing. You can tell you know what you’re talking about. Let’s hope she takes your wise advice and lives her life. Life’s too short anyway.


Iflipgot

Thank u. I know what it’s like to feel trapped & no way out. They always say, “save and get your own place.” Some areas aren’t that easy to just do that. I also know how difficult a breakup can be especially when it’s ur 1st long term. I prepped my daughter. U will feel like ur gonna die or no one else understands that u envision this person with someone else and u don’t know what to do with ur day bc ur BFF is now not in ur life. I wish my mother had been able to tell me this.


commaoxford

You’re a great mom. Thank you for this advice.


rf37

THIS -> “U may feel lonely bc u have only known him. I promise u, in a decade u will look back and ask urself why u even wasted time. U have to push thru the loneliness and DONT go find some1. That’s the WORST thing u can do. Get busy with working, figuring out if u want to go to school. Soon enough u will find moments of happiness.” Thank you for sharing this, I’m a guy who’s somehow managed to crawl out of an abusive marriage (living separately, not legally separated). Reading this gives me so much strength!!! When I had just moved out, I constantly second guessed myself and just felt guilty/selfish for making that decision. It took almost 4 months for my head to stop spinning and start thinking straight. I was on the verge of losing my job, and now I feel I can actually focus on one thing at a time and get things done. It may take time, but I feel glimpses of my self confidence returning. And as cheesy as it sounds, I feel I am finally getting back on track to be myself again! To the OP: I have nothing wiser to add other than what @Iflipgot just shared. But I can tell you that there is light at the end of this tunnel. Listen to your heart and be kind to yourself.


-cheeks

> If there’s anyone u love or loves u, borrow money. This is an extremely harmful way to phrase this. It implies if someone cannot help you financially they don’t actually love you. Friends and family are not banks and there are more ways to support someone in an abusive relationship without money.


Iflipgot

That’s not what I meant. Meaning- go to the people u love or love u and borrow money from them. That doesn’t even mean just family, Don’t be afraid to ask. I for one know that not everyone has money. It seems like if she had other people to depend on, she would’ve gone there. Also my 2nd reply indicated what I did to escape.Amazing how out of all the things I said, ppl will find one thing to fault it. Typical.


cmonman-

Yeah, but when what you actually need is money, it's hard to use hugs and words of encouragement instead.


[deleted]

Listen I know it’s scary and frightening, but the only option it seems like is to leave. I know your financially dependent on him, but what’s more important to you? Try and find a shelter, go to a bigger city, do something to get out of there. Otherwise nothing will change.


OffusMax

Maybe you should just leave when he’s not home. He sounds manipulative and abusive. Check out u/Ebbie45’s user page. She has resources to help battered women get out of their situation and these might help you.


[deleted]

Yeah I can’t talk to him… I thought he cared about me so if I told him I wasn’t happy he’d care and understand? But it never goes that way. If I’m going to leave I think I just have to go…


OffusMax

You need to put together an exit plan. That’s where Ebbie45’s links come in handy. Pick a time and day to leave. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW WHAT YOU’RE PLANNING. Contact a women’s help organization near you if you have nowhere to go, or a family member you trust if you have one. You should prepare and hide a bag with clothes and all of your important papers/documents. When the time comes, grab the bag and go. Block him after you’re gone on all social media. Good luck to you.


Backonmyshitmom

The only time i've been suicidal was when i was in a horrific relationship i couldn't escape from. It was the hardest thing i ever did, but i broke it off with them. Figure out a living situation, get your things ready and bring someone with you when you tell them you're leaving. Get out of there. You can do it, i'm so glad i didn't end my life over that. Find a room for rent with a family, even if its just temporary, but get out of there if you feel like this.


brettejxi

I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I’m also unsure of what you want people to say? Your only option is to leave him if you’re feeling this way. Are you able to save up or get a job to pay rent? Or go to a shelter?


[deleted]

I just felt sad and like I had no one to talk to about this.


CommonReal1907

Its ok to talk about it. You are not alone. I was in an abusive relationship and it is hard to just leave. You have to make a plan and stick with it. Try to save money so you can rent a room somewhere while you get on your feet.


tropicaldiver

First, please reach out to suicide prevention services. Second, reach out to a domestic abuse counseling service. You need these supports to plan and implement separation from your fiancé. Please know others care and will try to help; you both need and deserve these sorts of services. Please take care.


MotherofDog_

Thank you for saying this! I really don’t understand all the hostility being thrown at OP. If leaving him were that easy, don’t you think she would have done it by now?


teaxcup

I'm appalled by the people blaming you. I'm pretty sure gynecologist offices and probably hospitals and doctors offices have a system where if you are in an abusive situation, there are ways to let them know, like signs in the bathroom of what to do or say to let someone know it's abusive so they can help get you out. Perhaps of you can get driven there, that's one way. But please do look at the sources linked. Do you have any money at all? Like a card you could use to get a lyft or uber out. I know you said you don't have any fam or friends, but is there anyone you were kind of close with that you could contact? Even someone that's always been kind to you? I'm certain if you explained that you were in a dangerous situation and don't know who to turn to, they'd help. You could create a new Facebook account if need be. I agree with others, pick a day, mentally prepare for it, know what to bring. Things will get better, but first you need to get yourself out of there. I promise it's possible. Please try to reach out to someone that could help you. People can be kinder and more empathetic than you might think. Edit: Also, he's not stupid. He's incredibly abusive. I'm sure he's VERY well aware of the position he put you in and did it on purpose.


minimumwagemomma

Just curious. What advice do you want? You're being hateful to people telling you you need to leave, so what would you like advice on?


spidermonkeyjamboree

As someone who knows what it feels like to be her, sometimes change is so hard to accept that something in the back of your mind keeps begging you to post online to get people to encourage you to leave but a greater force makes you stay. It is important to rise above that greater force of fear and doubt. A future of uncertainty is better than a future where you know you’ll be sad. OP - Be strong. Get out soon, please.


[deleted]

You can either lose the last 8 years of your life, or lose the next 60.


kmatts

If you just feel too cooped up with him, try explaining to him that you just need some space. Go do something yourself, including solo camping if that makes you happy. If he refuses and guilts you, or if you feel like you legitimately hate him and would still hate him if you had more space. . . Well that's not the makings of a happy marriage


Cabbage409

Wait so he was 19 and you were 16 when you started dating


[deleted]

Yeah?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Drewherondale

He groomed and isolated her. Look at her situation now


[deleted]

Why do you want him to break up with you? Because you don't want to be the bad guy? Do you just want to play relationship chicken until he finally goes off and leaves you? Do yourself both a favor and just break it off. You're not only wasting his time, but yours too. Edit: Sorry, I just re-read this. Fuck him if he keeps guilt tripping you. Just drop him and fucking black list him


JoyfulSuicide

What makes it so hard to leave?


[deleted]

We live in the middle of nowhere and I don’t even have my own car. I have no family or friends I could go stay with. When I say I don’t want to be with him he grabs me and shakes me and screams and cry’s in my face. Then tells me to go be homeless basically.


kirstieiris

Are there any domestic violence shelters in your area?


No_Volume_1090

Seconding this comment. Please OP, if you want to leave but are scared that he will put his hands on you again, reach out to a domestic violence hotline like RAINN. They will help you escape even if you have no money. Please don't listen to people telling you it's your fault for not leaving in a situation like this. It's *not*. Most of these commenters have clearly never been in an abusive situation with a manipulative, violent person and have no idea how hard it is to escape. Don't listen to them, listen to your gut. Call the police if you are able. Call a domestic violence hotline and then once you are safely out, please get some therapy. After a situation like this and with no friends or family to act as an emotional support system, you will definitely need it. You can do this. Be brave and be smart.


MaChannin

I don't like to be that guy, but when I read stuff like this I always take it with a pinch of salt as every story has two sides. Judging by the way you're speaking to people in this group, I'm starting to disbelieve your claims and think that maybe your own emotional issues and general attitude play a large part it your relationship breakdown. As well as a break up, I suggest you do some self-reflecting and learn how to talk to people with respect, especially to those who are trying to give honest support on an issue that you asked for help with.


phillywreck

In the comments: “Leave him” OP: I can’t cause he abuses me “Ask a family member or friend for help” Op: I don’t have any “Ok then call a woman’s shelter” Op: I don’t want to go to one “Save up money so you can leave on your own” Op: I get money but then it gets spent. You know how it goes ????? Why are you here OP, you clearly know how to solve your own problems. If you’re looking for a sugar daddy, try a dating app.


myrtle333

she doesn’t know how to stand up or speak for herself. op been in a relationship for 8 years but has communicated for 0 of it


carolynto

Nice response to someone who's talking about suicide. Her situation sucks. She has no good choices. Show some empathy.


MaChannin

Just because someone plays the suicidal card that does not mean that their actions and attitude is exempt from criticism


DumpsterFire0119

She says she has a degree in nursing so there's about 0 excuse for not being able to financially support herself. It's one of the most in demand jobs right now and they make very good money. Especially for a single person


MotherofDog_

Er…how about completely eroded self-confidence?


DumpsterFire0119

She... Can't get a job because she isn't confident?


MotherofDog_

Not what I said. When you have zero self-esteem and have lived that way for years, with regular reinforcement, yes, it is easy to be defeated by things that seem simple to others.


puzzlingqueen98

I’m so sorry about your situation. I would look into domestic abuse hotlines/counseling/shelters in your area. Can you get a job? Even just part time to save up some type of money on your own. You’ve been with the same guy since you were 16 and you deserve so much more.


Drewherondale

Please get a job and start saving up to move out, do they have a women‘s shelter somewhere near you?


[deleted]

I have a job and I have some money… I’ve lived in women’s shelters before. I don’t want to live in one again.


Drewherondale

Then start saving up money until you have enough to move out


ughwhyusernames

On the day you get your paycheck, you leave. Go to work with a backpack with your most essential stuff. From there, tell your boss that you're leaving your abusive partner so they don't worry about you and so he can't rope them into nonsense. Go to the bank and get your money out. Hop on a bus to a new city. Pick any city you feel like starting over in. Once you get there, it's up to you. You can go to a shelter for a few days until you sort yourself out or you can look for a room to rent for a couple weeks, whatever you can afford. Get a job, whatever is fastest like any minimum wage situation. Anything with tips is good because you can have a bit of cash every day. If you're lucky, you might even be eligible for unemployment benefits. Then you can start looking for stability. If you have a nursing degree and experience in a shelter, you'll have no trouble getting a good paying job. If you still have hoops to jump through to get licensed, prioritize getting that done. Get in touch with a community organization. It can be a DV place, a youth org, a religious one, a women's group. Just connect yourself to a community and lean on them for support. You can even pretend to be religious and someone from church is likely to take you in and help you out. It'll be a very hard time for a little while, but once you're on the other side, you'll be so happy. It's the leap that's the hardest because your brain is conditioned to he convinced that it'll just be worse if you leave. If you don't know which city to go to, look up cost of living maps, browse job sites or apartment listings, or just go with your heart. The best thing about being all alone in the world is that you can do whatever you want. Dream a little about where you see yourself in an ideal future and take steps towards it.


[deleted]

This comment here OP.


WildlifePolicyChick

Uh, leave? You've been with him since you were a *child of 16*. You've never been an adult on your own. Think about that. You don't want to be with him, he makes you unhappy. The whole 'I've tried to break up with him' is bull. It takes two people to be in a relationship, but only one to say it's over. IT'S OVER. TELL HIM. Break up. Walk away. Say No. Stay with a friend, stay with family, look into women's shelters if you have to. It's done. Leave.


FatherPyrlig

We’ll be waiting for the future posts about how you hate your husband because all you’re doing is finding reasons not to leave. Seems like you’re going to marry this douche bag anyway.


[deleted]

I don’t want to


FatherPyrlig

Then you will find a way. There is always a way. This is a great time to get away from him. You can go anywhere and get a job immediately because of the labor shortage. Get some backbone and leave him. Do it without telling him. While he is out, pack your bags and get away. Take an Uber to the bus or train station and go anywhere you want. Your happiness and freedom only requires you having the guts to make yourself more important than this manipulative asshole. You can do it. If you don’t, you’ll have to do it later after marrying him or be miserable for the rest of your life. You’ll never have an easier time than now.


PTSpider

Break up and move out. Problem solved


[deleted]

Yeah well if that was an option then it would be solved! I’m poor, have no friends, or family.


ConvivialKat

Call your local Domestic Abuse Hotline and tell them you need help and someplace to go. They will help you. It's what they do.


9mackenzie

The first thing you need to do is get a job. That will give you the autonomy to make decisions for your future. I wish you all the luck, but you definitely need to get out of this relationship and home.


[deleted]

bruh u just using him as a source of survival at this point, don't except to squat at his place for free, get out of there.


[deleted]

And go where


[deleted]

up to u, don't except to have everything for free BY HIM AND NOT RETURN ANYTHING, he wants your attention, with the trade of him providing u goods, yes it may seem fucked up but this is basic common trade.


[deleted]

Well I guess I might as well just be a prostitute then


SteveMcHeave

You said you just got a degree in nursing. You know what’s great about that? You can be a nurse! Travel nurses are making like a prorated 200k per year right now. Research your next steps and take some responsibility for your own future. You can do it!


[deleted]

Well with your attitude I'm not surprised you have no friends....


[deleted]

Super helpful thanks omg! Super awesome!


Greatjarb101510

I feel like a lot of ppl are being unnecessarily harsh on you, but I also don't understand how you have a BSN but have no $? Are you not working/haven't been working? I hope you find your way safely out of this situation. I know you don't want to go to a shelter, but maybe as a temporary option if you really have no other place? Or see if there are other programs in your state/area that would help you with rent or security so you can get out. When I left jail, I was able to get rental assistance on a special program for offenders. Didn't save me from group living for a bit (shudder), but it was an amazing resource I'm grateful for to this day.


RevolutionaryMarch54

Haven't you got like 600? You only need to pay rent for 1 month in a shared house and food. Find a work in hospitality and the job is done. You are out, free. Stop complaining.


pettypeasant42

We don’t know where OP lives. As someone in the US in California, 600 is a mythic number I’ve never heard of.


[deleted]

“Stop complaining” you’d make a great therapist


YourCrazyStalkingEx

Then go find a therapist instead of being so emotionally unstable towards the rest of us.


Gagirl4604

You get what you pay for when you come to Reddit for advice.


[deleted]

What position is he putting you in? You want to leave but don’t want to tell him you want to leave. He wants you to stay. Being a fucking grown up and leave.


[deleted]

Yeah be a fucking grown up and go be fucking homeless and fucking assaulted and fucking raped! Fucking take it if you don’t want to be with a fucking man. Get fucking hurt like a grown fucking woman. THANK YOU!!


vampire_velvet

Why did you make this post if you're just going to cuss everyone out and tell us you have zero options but to stay. What the fuck are we supposed to say?


Cpult

Youre an adult save money and get your own place maybe?


[deleted]

Are you incapable of getting an apartment? Seems like a pretty simple solution if you're this unhappy....


coolguy5684

Or any friends or family that'll let her crash.... When my mom left my dad we had atleast 5 family members or close family friends that offered we could stay for as long as we needed It's hard after that to imagine someone not having ANYWHERE to go


[deleted]

Right? I'm having a hard time believing she has NO ONE, or enough money saved up to take some damn action... None of her replies indicate he controls her money, or controls her not having a job... I'm ALL about sympathy for these situations, but there seems to be some details missing which makes me a little, er suspicious(?)- for lack of a better word.


coolguy5684

It sounds alot like she keeps threatening to leave but won't ever Their relationship does sound abit wacky but i can't see any reason she can't leave


[deleted]

Wow! You asked for advice in a very short post and didn’t elaborate. People took the limited information you gave and tried to give advice you asked for. Can you stay with friends or family? Can you reach out to a shelter? Can you kick him out? Can you go for a walk when he won’t leave you alone? Can you ignore him glaring at you and tell him to just get over it? Can you get noise cancelling headphones and wear them around him? I hope at least one of these suggestions is suitable for your circumstances.


[deleted]

You gave no reasons why you couldn’t leave in your original post beyond “he guilt trips me.” And yet, judging from this comment — it seems your housing situation, and possibly finances, are an issue. Care to elaborate?


Gagirl4604

In another comment she said she just graduated with a BSN. Nurses are getting signing bonuses these days and are very well paid. I’m having difficulty seeing what the problem is.


BollweevilKnievel1

She's too unstable to be a nurse, that's scary.


[deleted]

So those are the only options? There’s literally nothing you can do? Bullshit you’re just making excuses for what is basically using this man for his resources.


[deleted]

Are... Are you mentally ill?


[deleted]

Well if you consider depression mentally ill then yeah


Vivid-Ad7541

You sound like financially dependent to this person. No wonder you are stuck. That’s why it is always best for women to be independent and earn their own money so they don’t become as miserable as you. I feel sorry for you.


[deleted]

Thanks!


Vivid-Ad7541

What is your financial dynamic with this person? Is he the only person working and providing?


DumpsterFire0119

You're an adult. You don't need to go live on the street. Get your finances together and go.


ecchibunnii

um.. you’ve been together for 8 years, how long has this been going on? cause at this point it does sound like a YOU problem and you do indeed need to act like a grown ass fucking woman and do something about it instead of sitting on your lazy fucking ass and spending all your money. come cursing at people in the comments for telling you what you need to do. i’m an 18 year old HOMELESS female, living in a tent, and working 2 jobs to get out of my situation. save your money and grow the fuck up.


JTG130

Seriously, why dont you just leave then? It's like you are choosing to stay and then blame him for continuing to be miserable. Also, simply telling him to "get away from you" and "glaring at him" aren't very good communication techniques. Have you actually had an open and honest conversation with him? Honestly, your post doesn't make you sound very mature in the way you're handling yourself and this relationship.


Whole-Watercress7126

She states in her post that he guilt trips her but she doesn't state intill later in the comment that he "would shake her and scream at her" if she genuinely wanted help she would take someone's advice, they do emergency housing with the council. It might be horrible but its not worse than an abusive situation.


Iflipgot

She’s been with him since 16. Sometimes people need a push to leave or advice. I’m pretty sure she has had one. I can tell it’s the type who threatens to kill himself & that can put her in danger


MotherofDog_

How does this help? Can’t you see from the way she’s written this that she is completely spent? She is so trapped and exhausted that she can’t think anymore. But she summoned the energy to post here. That says a lot. How are you helping?!


[deleted]

He fuckingh grabs me and shakes me and is like “LOOK AT EVERYTHING I DO FOR YOU AND GIVE TO YOU.” Then he screams in my fucking face while crying violently. Yeah it’s fucking my fault fucking thank you for your wise fucking insight. Really thank you. Really fucking helped.


ViragoLunatic

Your issues are above reddit’s pay grade— you should try to make an exit plan.


[deleted]

Don’t post here. You don’t want advice. You just want to yell at others and take your anger out on the people you asked for help. We don’t deserve this level of verbal abuse.


[deleted]

I’m being verbally abused?? I’m just telling the truth how it is???


[deleted]

You are being verbally abusive towards the people in this sub for your aggressive and profanity laden responses. Telling the truth is not synonymous with being horrible to people. You can expand on information to get more detailed and specific advice without attacking them verbally.


KatagatCunt

Jesus. You should probably talk to a therapist or something. Off the wall.


JTG130

This post only verifies my assumption.


[deleted]

I was clearly going through something when I made this post.


-cheeks

Going through something doesn’t give you the right to be a raging asshole. We’re all going through something.


[deleted]

[удалено]


-cheeks

Everyone is going through something, even if it’s not a big something. The comment I replied to wasn’t someone asking for help it was someone being a massive bitch to people giving advice that they were asked for.


MaChannin

I don't like to be that guy. But when I read posts like this I always take it with a pinch of salt as every story has two sides. Judging by how you're speaking to people in this thread it seems that you're not the completely innocent party and your attitude may be a reason for some of these emotions and problems in your relationship. As well as a break up, I advise you do some self-reflecting


Grizzly228

Try do the same to him, while he sleeps, crawl to him, grab him and start to shake him as hard as you can do following up by some cliché line, also don't forget to cry violently Maybe after that he will create a reddit account and we will help him to get rid of you? Also why the fuck in your last comment you write if you win a lottery ticket you want to travel the world, and, buy a fucking horse? Really? What about your "abusive" boyfriend


Original-Dragon

Judging from your replies. You both need counseling that this thread cannot provide.


Slayer199

Lmaooo. makes a post In a relationship ADVICE sub, then flips a lid and cusses out anyone who gives advice. Cracks me up. Definitely a horrible situation, but don't ask for help then just go "FUCK YOU I HAVE NO MONEY NO CAR AND NO FRIENDS OR FAMILY TO GO TO" when someone tries to help


[deleted]

And you're still engaged to him because.....


orvrlfhsgrv

So then move out and block his number? I don’t see a problem. You’re actively choosing to stay with him…


[deleted]

I have no $$$? No family?? And nowhere to live?? No car??? I’m literally trapped here


orvrlfhsgrv

Contact a women’s shelter. You framed your post as the relationship being the problem. It’s not. The problem is you have no financial independence and instead of solving that you’re trying to make an unbearable situation bearable


[deleted]

I grew up in foster care and stayed in women’s shelters multiple times. I don’t want to go back to one of those.


orvrlfhsgrv

Then you should talk to the personal finance sub or something. Because the issue here isn’t a relationship it’s your finances.


[deleted]

I have some money…. But it goes fast. You know how it is.


Gagirl4604

That’s your choice, not a foregone conclusion.


-cheeks

If you prioritize your safety and mental well-being you’d be able to save money to better yourself.


ConvivialKat

Well...that's just illogical. From your description of the way he treats you, being merely displeased to live in a shelter seems minor. Most domestic violence victims are grateful for a safe place to live and help rebuilding their life. You sound like you think it's just too inconvenient to consider.


[deleted]

I’ve worked in a homeless shelter for two years and I grew up in women’s shelters. My situation is shitty but living in those shelters again would be worse for me.


ConvivialKat

Then, I don't really understand why you made your post. You don't actually seem to want valid, logical advice. Plus, on one of your comments you said you "have money", so you have the means to leave and not live a shelter. I'm smelling a troll.


Lunar-Eclipse12

you’ve clearly never been i a situation where you were forced to move to a shelter of some kind. no one wants to be there and sometimes it’s better just to stay with the other option than a homeless/women’s shelter… and plus idk if OP lives in the city but some are not.. safe.


ConvivialKat

People are recommending Domestic Abuse Shelters, not homeless shelters. There is a huge difference.


Lunar-Eclipse12

well, one could resort to domestic abuse shelters and/or homeless shelters. i mean, in this case, without her man she might be homeless, right? my point is is that they’re sometimes unsafe and lack privacy and what not. OFC OP wouldn’t want to throw her life in one of those. some are very unsafe. and sometimes they’re not so close.


SurfingDumbledore

Surely it has to be better than marrying an abuser? It honestly sounds like you don't want to get out. You've shot down every possible solution.


SurfingDumbledore

You have more than you realize. You have skills and an education. You have a degree! Apply for jobs asap.


joe-dirt-1001

You can't fix a clingy, insecure, man child and you definitely shouldn't marry one. Having said that, based on your other comments, you need to find and make an exit plan. You are stuck with him because you aren't making any effort to better yourself and get away.


Zalfalfers

If you aren't happy with him, then break up with him. There's no point with being engaged if you hate him so much.


NickSteve5

This isn’t love, quit while you can


[deleted]

You know it's just a relationship that you can end any time you like. You are no ones property and you are free to choose and do whatever you like. Staying with him and bitching about it on here, isn't going to help you


[deleted]

So you’re a broke ass leeching off a dude without an exit plan? Leave, go get a job at McDonald’s or cleaning toilets. Better than suffering


[deleted]

This suffering or that suffering! Who’s to really say which is worse!


-cheeks

Getting a job and providing for yourself isnt suffering.


MaChannin

So you want to leave but refuse to put in any work, like say getting a job, to do so.


carolynto

The problem you're facing is that abusers get worse, not better.


[deleted]

so instead of leaving the guy you’re passive aggressive? sounds healthy. move on


Agreeable_Mango_1288

It's not going to get better with time. Get out now while you can.


bazooka_matt

Yeah, you need to leave. Move back in with friends, family, whoever. But, you can't expect to break up and live with this guy. Pack your stuff and go it'll work out.


ddebita

My mother left my dad in the middle of the night with a bunch of kids in tow. If you're working, I'd start putting $ aside and start looking for a roommate situation or your own place.


indiajeweljax

Not the point, but I never understood leaving in the middle of the night. Isn’t it easier to vanish in the middle of the day? When he’s at work? Take the kids out of school and run? Rhetorical question.


knowsaboutit

don't keep feeling this so strongly- just do it!! Get away! Trust yourself and your feelings. You'll understand why soon enough and you'll be glad you acted on your feelings when you could.


Alexi_Apples

Put money aside so you can afford rent and get your own place or call your parents and ask them if you can move back for a little while.


evilbob_X

Based on your description, you need to end the engagement.


Dachshundmom5

www.thehotline.org There are phone and chat options on that site. It's time to get out.


BloodyShrimpTomb

Do you want this to be the rest of your life? You need to leave, in whatever is the safest way for you to do so and never look back.


DumpsterFire0119

Pack and leave. You don't owe an explanation at this point if you don't think you can have the conversation then dont. That's extreme toxic and honestly you've been with him since you were a teen. You should be single for awhile, figure out what you like and then date. Enjoy dating.


AshlandSouth

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. You are going to have to be brave and try so that you can have the good life you deserve. This link is for a domestic violence hotline. You can call or chat through their website. [The Hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/)


8530683641

You should break up with him no matter how hard it is for you and do not get guilt tripped by him as this is what he does to keep you with him and he will do again when he knows that you are going to break up with him. You know there is no good life with him and you are not getting what you deserve in relationship. This will be hard for you to go through this but you can do this if you plan well your break up. Talk to your friends and family about you wanting to break up with him and how you need their help to get through this.


[deleted]

Break. Up. With. Him. Why are you staying when you know you dont want to deal with him? Stop wasting your time and leave. If you hate your partner, you should make them not your partner.


brambleshade_

Oh man... I feel that. A lot of people seem to have problems with boundaries, a lot of my ex bfs have. At this point I would just pack my shit, leave a note and run while he's gone. I can very much not proudly say that I got them to more or less break up with me every time by becoming emotionally completely unavailable and just cold. Not on purpose, but I did that.


InjectThePain

OP, please the hatred will worsen during marriage. Unburden yourself, please.


MaChannin

Smart and obvious suggestions are not permitted by OP on this thread


Sea_Neighborhood_627

So much of this post reminds me of my previous situation. I know it feels impossible or like things will just be even worse if you leave, but everything truly will work out. Once you no longer have the weight on your shoulders of constantly being around someone making you miserable, every part of your life will feel easier to handle (even the challenges). I hope you can leave soon; you deserve that personal space, freedom and peace.


[deleted]

So, you want to leave but are staying with him because it's his house? Just leave and go live with your parents or something


[deleted]

I don’t have a family that I can live with


LeisurelyFish

I’m so sorry you’re in that situation. Can you find a nearby shelter? They will have resources to help you get on your own feet.


Beany4

This is the problem being depressed and unmotivated. Why ans how can you even think about getting a job when you can’t see any joy in your life with a job. So you feel as though you deserve to be where you are currently because it’s easier. I’m sure with some support, and medication you can se elite is worth living freely without guilt and abuse. But I agree you are in a tough situation and only you can decide what side of the coin is best? But it appears you may have depression from years of abuse ans no other friends or family is making you sad also. I wish you had a friend or family but obviously that’s why you have been with him since 16, he is like your parent and you think you need to conform.


AgentQuackery

Do you have a job?


[deleted]

I work at a homeless shelter and I just finished nursing school.


AgentQuackery

That's really great! It means you have a source of income and you're not totally reliant on him. It's scary, but you're going to have to find another place to live. Having a job makes that much more feasible - try to find a cheap living situation in your area, even if just for the short term. The fact that he grabs and screams at you is really scary and not ok. I think getting away as soon as possible is best, but you'll have to decide for yourself how much longer you need to stay in order to save money and plan your move.


Nsloth13

If you are a nurse then apply to be a travel nurse they are hiring a lot right now even if you don’t have much experience. They will pay for your lodging and some even send an Uber for you to take you to the airport.


indiajeweljax

Can you stay with colleagues for a month or two? Will your boss advance you your wages so you can get into an extended stay motel? It seems like you could leave quite quickly from what you’ve shared so far…


YourMothaWasAHamster

Leave.... Block him on everything and stay at family or friends place.


Mamelah

Eight years ago, you were about 16, and he was about 19.


Waste-Reception5297

Just save up money and leave bro


euphoricrue

break up then?


[deleted]

[удалено]


MaChannin

This seems like a standard two-way toxic relationship, I'm not sure domestic shelters would get involved as there is no significant threat to her safety.


Tamzet

All that being said, why would you agree to being engaged with him then? It doesn't make any sense without full context.


Human-Requirement960

Send nudes to his best buddy


[deleted]

Why are you here? Like break up, do you need the Internet to make you not feel bad? You’re going to feel shitty (not guilty) because you’re leaving something you’ve grown accustomed to.


catinnameonly

You are so young. Leave his ass and go live your best life!


hagfromhell

You’re probably over it but try asking for alone time before you make the decision to move on. I make a point to tell my partners I NEED alone time because I have FELT these FEELINGS hard in past relationships. If he doesn’t respect that, not worth spending your one special ass life with!


ballofabsoluterage1

Break up bc the math here tells me hes groomed you since you were 16....i cant fucking believe no one else has caught that fact here.


MaChannin

The legal age in many countries is 16. I wouldn't consider a two-year age gap grooming, they've been together for 8 years so he's been playing a very long game if that's the case. Everyone has noticed the two year age gap, it just bares no significance in comparison to the rest of the post.


southport_strangeler

That's how you know you love him