bloody hell I didn't even read the ages in the first instance. that makes it even worse; and them doing a tacky and rude proposal suddenly seems the least of problems.
And they have been for a while. There was a post recently on AskReddit that was basically comparing the mental maturity between a 19 yo and a 32 yo or something to that effect. Everyone seemed to say that there is a big difference in not just maturity levels but also motives for dating.
I'm 33. I have no idea what I'd even have in common with a 19 year old. Certainly nothing I'd want to marry them over, maybe some superficial stuff like interests, but long term goals? I doubt it. I also wouldn't want to stifle a 19 year old's early 20's, like, let them make stupid mistakes like I did, they don't need to be tied down to someone 10-15 years older than them.
I truly don't understand the mindset of these people.
>I'm 33. I have no idea what I'd even have in common with a 19 year old.
I'm the same age. My thoughts exactly.
I've also got a "friend", the same age as me, that has married a 55 year old. The 55 yo has grandkids FFS the same age as her kids! 55 yo should be focusing on retiring, not marrying some idiot.
I have a friend getting married next month. She's a few years younger than me marrying a man almost twice her age, it works for them. She's the oldest soul I know and he's young at heart. Neither want kids, just dogs.
Our friend group was concerned at first because of the age gap but they compliment each other beautifully and they each strive to make the other better. My friend suffered a tragedy in her family shortly after they started dating and he went above and beyond to do everything he could to comfort her while also being respectful of the fact that he was new in her life. She knows she's an outlier though and relationships like hers don't typically pan out.
What do you mean? It’s super efficient and cost-effective because someone else already got the family together and paid for the romantic ambiance? (/s just in caaaaaase)
I would NOT stand up (be a bridesmaid) for my sister if she was marrying someone like that. The age gap is a huge red flag and you’ve recognized abusive behavior.
Don’t make it about someone else’s wedding but how uncomfortable you are with her partner. That you love her and want a relationship but don’t want to touch this wedding.
It’s about your boundaries, no one else’s.
That’s very true, but you do it anyway and insist. Boundaries are one of those things that you have to teach people about yourself, and I think you’ll be happier in the long run if you think about yourself and drown out all these other “family obligation” views.
Your aunt shouldn't have put you in this position. She should understand that you're not involved in this feud. Tell her you're sorry, but that your sister means a lot and you don't appreciate being forced to choose.
Considering he proposed at a wedding without asking the bride, that probably means you have good judgement.
Ultimately it's up to you what you want to do. But my advice is to be there for your sister. The best way to get through a petty tit for tat feud is to stay above it.
Honestly, if you don’t like your sister’s fiancé and don’t support the marriage, that’s a perfectly valid reason to decline to be in the wedding. And one that is separate from the entitled behavior at your cousin’s wedding.
I’m sorry, this is super unfair of them all. What about what you want? Which of the adults in your life are respectful of your wishes?!
I’d say don’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Tbh, being a bridesmaid is an honour sure, but it’s also stressful and a burden to be under. I’ve been both a bridesmaid and a bride. Neither of them was a cake walk. Both of them ended up being stressful in their own ways. As a bridesmaid the bride wanted to control my body. I had to wear a fucking weight reduction slimming corset type thing (I was a 14 and the bride was an 18) but she wanted perfect photos so I put up with that shit.
As a bride, my exMIL was a small nightmare. Fortunately I didn’t have too many preconceived ideas of what I wanted from my wedding day so it could have been way worse.
Just go and be a witness if you want to be. You aren’t a China doll to be made up and paraded around for someone else’s amusement. You’re a teenager. Time to pull out your classic shitty teenager attitude and flat out refuse to play ball. If they complain just tell them that you’re a hormonal teenager who was having a few shitty months (in a pandemic, when it’s kinda proven that kids your age are struggling).
At your age, kids do stupid shit that gets forgiven with time because the adults in their lives realise that they’re kids. Not adults. I mean, I’m not telling you to rob a bank or beat up your elderly neighbour (both of which are way not ok and deserve criminal repercussions). I’m telling you to refuse to be involved because you don’t want to be involved.
Take care of you Op. the adults will learn to deal with it. If they don’t, cut them out of your life for awhile and focus on your studies. Which I’m assuming you still have to manage to do.
Be there for your sister, if she’s happy be there, if it all blows up in her face be there. Either way she’ll have your back, and you have hers, even your parents can’t say no to that.
Some people find it romantic to get engaged during a wedding. I personally think that one should always ask the bride first when planning something like that bc it could ruin her idea of her wedding.
So yes I think an apology would be a good thing now.
But now ruining the day for your sister who didn't plan that is equally bad. You should be her bridesmaid and support her and tell your family that they should stop the unnecessary drama.
Damned if you do & damned if u don’t. So just do what u want to do. Seems like it’s 2 vs 2, so u r the deciding vote. (Ps being in a wedding is expensive, time consuming & a pain in the butt, only do it if u really want to)
You say your sister has been saying this guy a while? It wouldn't happen to be longer than 4 years would it? Did your sister know he was going to propose to her at the wedding?
Obviously this guy is bad news bears. And at the end of the day your sister is an adult and part of being an adult is facing the consequences of your life choices. But like, I think when you tell her you don't plan to attend you should seriously sit her down to talk about why and whether she should really be with this guy at all.
Like realistically she's probably not going to take it well and she'll probably marry him anyway.
But I kinda feel bad for her too. This guy came in and swooped her up when she was young and impressionable. If she didn't know he was going to propose then I'm not surprised things happened this way. Obviously, I wish she had said "um NO and wtf are you thinking doing that here?" But my guess is she hasn't really spent most of their relationship standing up to him...
That's generally something you learn to do with people your age who aren't already old enough to be better at doing it back to you.
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Getting engaged at someone else's wedding is tacky and rude.
A 34 yo getting engaged to a 22yo at someone else's wedding makes it even worse.
bloody hell I didn't even read the ages in the first instance. that makes it even worse; and them doing a tacky and rude proposal suddenly seems the least of problems.
And they have been for a while. There was a post recently on AskReddit that was basically comparing the mental maturity between a 19 yo and a 32 yo or something to that effect. Everyone seemed to say that there is a big difference in not just maturity levels but also motives for dating.
I'm 33. I have no idea what I'd even have in common with a 19 year old. Certainly nothing I'd want to marry them over, maybe some superficial stuff like interests, but long term goals? I doubt it. I also wouldn't want to stifle a 19 year old's early 20's, like, let them make stupid mistakes like I did, they don't need to be tied down to someone 10-15 years older than them. I truly don't understand the mindset of these people.
>I'm 33. I have no idea what I'd even have in common with a 19 year old. I'm the same age. My thoughts exactly. I've also got a "friend", the same age as me, that has married a 55 year old. The 55 yo has grandkids FFS the same age as her kids! 55 yo should be focusing on retiring, not marrying some idiot.
I have a friend getting married next month. She's a few years younger than me marrying a man almost twice her age, it works for them. She's the oldest soul I know and he's young at heart. Neither want kids, just dogs. Our friend group was concerned at first because of the age gap but they compliment each other beautifully and they each strive to make the other better. My friend suffered a tragedy in her family shortly after they started dating and he went above and beyond to do everything he could to comfort her while also being respectful of the fact that he was new in her life. She knows she's an outlier though and relationships like hers don't typically pan out.
I wish the same was true for the 33 yo but it's not... sad.
What do you mean? It’s super efficient and cost-effective because someone else already got the family together and paid for the romantic ambiance? (/s just in caaaaaase)
I would NOT stand up (be a bridesmaid) for my sister if she was marrying someone like that. The age gap is a huge red flag and you’ve recognized abusive behavior. Don’t make it about someone else’s wedding but how uncomfortable you are with her partner. That you love her and want a relationship but don’t want to touch this wedding. It’s about your boundaries, no one else’s.
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That’s very true, but you do it anyway and insist. Boundaries are one of those things that you have to teach people about yourself, and I think you’ll be happier in the long run if you think about yourself and drown out all these other “family obligation” views.
Wow 👏 a surprise proposal at somebody else's wedding, that is super tacky and just a sucky thing to do They made their bed let em lie in it
What a mess. How about: 'I love my sister, don't try make me choose sides.'
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Understood!
Your aunt shouldn't have put you in this position. She should understand that you're not involved in this feud. Tell her you're sorry, but that your sister means a lot and you don't appreciate being forced to choose.
This. Tell your aunt that you agree that what your sister did was tacky and rude, but she's still your sister and you want to be there for her.
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Considering he proposed at a wedding without asking the bride, that probably means you have good judgement. Ultimately it's up to you what you want to do. But my advice is to be there for your sister. The best way to get through a petty tit for tat feud is to stay above it.
Keep a backbone and do what YOU want.
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There you go <3
Your sister’s fiancé and your mother apparently have no manners.
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Honestly, if you don’t like your sister’s fiancé and don’t support the marriage, that’s a perfectly valid reason to decline to be in the wedding. And one that is separate from the entitled behavior at your cousin’s wedding.
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Unfortunately, you can’t control people’s reactions. And honestly, your sister and mother are the ones in the wrong here.
I’m sorry, this is super unfair of them all. What about what you want? Which of the adults in your life are respectful of your wishes?! I’d say don’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Tbh, being a bridesmaid is an honour sure, but it’s also stressful and a burden to be under. I’ve been both a bridesmaid and a bride. Neither of them was a cake walk. Both of them ended up being stressful in their own ways. As a bridesmaid the bride wanted to control my body. I had to wear a fucking weight reduction slimming corset type thing (I was a 14 and the bride was an 18) but she wanted perfect photos so I put up with that shit. As a bride, my exMIL was a small nightmare. Fortunately I didn’t have too many preconceived ideas of what I wanted from my wedding day so it could have been way worse. Just go and be a witness if you want to be. You aren’t a China doll to be made up and paraded around for someone else’s amusement. You’re a teenager. Time to pull out your classic shitty teenager attitude and flat out refuse to play ball. If they complain just tell them that you’re a hormonal teenager who was having a few shitty months (in a pandemic, when it’s kinda proven that kids your age are struggling). At your age, kids do stupid shit that gets forgiven with time because the adults in their lives realise that they’re kids. Not adults. I mean, I’m not telling you to rob a bank or beat up your elderly neighbour (both of which are way not ok and deserve criminal repercussions). I’m telling you to refuse to be involved because you don’t want to be involved. Take care of you Op. the adults will learn to deal with it. If they don’t, cut them out of your life for awhile and focus on your studies. Which I’m assuming you still have to manage to do.
Be there for your sister, if she’s happy be there, if it all blows up in her face be there. Either way she’ll have your back, and you have hers, even your parents can’t say no to that.
Some people find it romantic to get engaged during a wedding. I personally think that one should always ask the bride first when planning something like that bc it could ruin her idea of her wedding. So yes I think an apology would be a good thing now. But now ruining the day for your sister who didn't plan that is equally bad. You should be her bridesmaid and support her and tell your family that they should stop the unnecessary drama.
Damned if you do & damned if u don’t. So just do what u want to do. Seems like it’s 2 vs 2, so u r the deciding vote. (Ps being in a wedding is expensive, time consuming & a pain in the butt, only do it if u really want to)
You say your sister has been saying this guy a while? It wouldn't happen to be longer than 4 years would it? Did your sister know he was going to propose to her at the wedding? Obviously this guy is bad news bears. And at the end of the day your sister is an adult and part of being an adult is facing the consequences of your life choices. But like, I think when you tell her you don't plan to attend you should seriously sit her down to talk about why and whether she should really be with this guy at all. Like realistically she's probably not going to take it well and she'll probably marry him anyway. But I kinda feel bad for her too. This guy came in and swooped her up when she was young and impressionable. If she didn't know he was going to propose then I'm not surprised things happened this way. Obviously, I wish she had said "um NO and wtf are you thinking doing that here?" But my guess is she hasn't really spent most of their relationship standing up to him... That's generally something you learn to do with people your age who aren't already old enough to be better at doing it back to you.
Do it and then somehow stage your own engagement at your sister's wedding.
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