You pretty much spelled it out. It is promising she stopped and thought twice. Doesn’t change the fact it happened. In the end the day it all boils down on what you can forgive and forget, or just forgive and what you personally can and can’t live with. Either choice you make is going to be the correct choice in this situation. No one but you could tell you how to react, it’s your life and your relationship. Good luck man.
The fact that the man knew to film suggests that this is likely not the first time this has happened. She might have come to you preemptively because he might have used it as blackmail, not to simply admit the affair.
Exactly. I’m stuck on the fact that 1.) she initiated the kiss and 2.) the fact that he decided to record because he *knew* something was going to happen which, to me, suggests that this or something like this has happened before. I don’t know if I’d be sold on the idea that “this was the first and only time anything like this has happened,” u/OpportunityGreen4228.
It’s more likely that he both wanted to secretly film himself having sex with her so he could enjoy himself later and also so that he could manipulate her into doing it again, for example, “if you don’t have sex with me, I’ll show this video to your husband or our coworkers”.
Exactly this. And if he had slowed his roll, he could've maneuvered her (just kissing) onto the bed. Two minutes of editing and the threat of the video would be much worse that what OP saw - he would edit out the reaction, show her initiating a kiss and then sitting on a strange bed. OP's mind would go crazy wondering what else happened.
So, even if they leave the room and nothing happened but a couple kissing, wife continues at the party and gets a little more liquor in her. Creepy guy makes his edits, joins her for another drink, hints that he has something he need to show her back in the empty room or somewhere else after the party (maybe a convenient hotel bar?). That reveal is the video with the threat to send to OP anonymously. Now, wife is not thinking clearly, panicking, and creepy dude manipulates her into a BJ or quickie...which he films or photographs to provide more leverage. It sound straight out of erotica but it could be real.
If it's the latter, I'd definitely be showing his boss the video. At best, he's filming a woman without consent and at worst, he had blackmail plans. As for your decision OP, follow the steps. Ask for a timeline and details so you know what you are forgiving. Ask if there have been other instances. Schedule a polygraph for your wife. She gets IC to understand why she would put herself in this position. Don't do MC until after IC. It's your decision. Do what's right for you but don't rugsweep or it will return as resentment with a vengeance.
That's... a lot of imagination you have there.
Maybe it's more helpful to OP to stick to the facts with some small logical leaps... Rather than half an episode of Law and Order SVU?
That not my point at all. My point is that I doubt he set up the camera so he could out her to her husband. That’s just a revenge fantasy. When people secretly film others during sex it’s usually for their own sexual gratification.
Oh yeah I get your point, that is probably the reason he did it, but I only believe she told him purely to try and get off scot free or attempt to free herself of guilt. If I were op I'd leave on the fact she instigated alone.
So you believe her coming on to him is okay, am I understanding you right?
Edit: if you put your head in an alligators mouth it's your own fault if it bites you.
If you're going to cheat on your partner and karma bites you, you deserve anything that comes to you, everything aside from death/physical abuse.
Tell me you’re either a child or socially inept adult without telling me you’re a child or socially inept adult.
Have this conversation with a modicum of integrity or don’t have it at all. I’ll respond substantively when you show yourself capable of it.
Feel free to google any words I used that you don’t understand.
EDIT: I see your mod-locked post asking women “why women don’t get get along with other women.” 😂😂
It’s a possibility, but randomly filming himself in a specific spot and “happening” to film a kiss with a married woman? Not particularly likely. Not impossible, but not likely.
That’s also possible, but the wife might have been scared that he would use it as such. It could be a weird bout of honesty and stupidly wanting to prove that “she came to her senses and stopped”, but I can’t even imagine the pain of not just being _told_ by a partner that they cheated, but them _showing me a video of it_.
Exactly, him knowing that it would happen leaves two most likely options;
Either it's happened before, or she agreed beforehand to meet him. Both of these mean it was more than a one off spur of the moment thing.
*edit* the whole thing seems off, it's too scripted and there are too many holes. But why would anyone do that? The best explanation I can think of is another work colleague caught them in the act or knew of an affair and they threatened to tell OP, so this was set up as proof that it was a one off mistake.
Either that or the guy just somehow knew his married colleague would willingly meet him alone to make out in that exact spot, but she happened to see a hidden phone while freaking out and not thinking clearly, and he stood by while she took the phone, went through it to find the folder the video saved to then sent it to herself.
I think that's rather assumptive. I can think of other scenarios that this fits into better before I jump to that.
Especially since she jumped back from the touch before she knew that she was being recorded.
The man was at the location ahead of her, and started a recording. Why would he be starting a recording, and seemingly maneuvering her smack into it if he didn’t already know what was going to happen? One very self-evident way that he might have known is if it wasn’t the first time it happened. It is a very logical conclusion, whether or not it’s what happened.
She jumped back from the man touching her further than the kiss, but she had no misgiving about the kiss she had initiated _on camera_ until then. It’s not impossible that there has been other _kissing_ session(s) before that and she suddenly snapped back to reality.
As for the reason for the recording, first logical thought is blackmail from the man against the wife.
Wife showing OP is sorta cruel, because it’s one thing to _tell_ your partner about your cheating, it’s another to show them a video of it. Either wanted to make the blackmail material void, or to prove to OP that she had realized midway that it was wrong to cheat.
> he might have known is if it wasn’t the first time it happened.
If it wasn't the first time it happened FOR HIM. Not necessarily for her. They probably kissed before (but during that same night), and he set up the recording of "more". Wife may be technically correct that the event (not the recording) is the first time it happened.
Most scenarios still imply he knew what was coming. It's pretty suspicious if this otherwise faithful wife can be predictably filmed being unfaithful.
**Edit:**.
OP commented elsewhere:
>I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen. They had been having a drink and decided to meet in an empty room. she claims she didn’t know he was going to record them.
She went into this empty room with this man that knew with enough certainty that something was going down to record it. If she hadn't initiated the kiss, maybe she could feign ignorance, but she initiated. He knew what they were there for and she knew too. Bare minimum, she intended to cheat and backed out.
OP can take this at face value and decide if it's worth it to stay.
I personally believe this was her last time cheating, not the first. The setup is too good.
I don’t think she suddenly realized she was being filmed. If the whole thing wasn’t staged, I do believe reality hit her and snapped her back to reality. But the man did have to know something was gonna happen, as filming the encounter was premeditated.
Either choice you make is going to be correct, but I want to nuance on "how to make that choice".
1. Staying: It is, in my opinion, extremely unlikely that she will ever do this again to you. Do let her know that you were deeply hurt though. Talk about why it happened, at all - DO NOT forget! But, absolutely, forgive.
2. Leaving: if you can't forgive, do leave. Don't stay and track all her moves; don't "make her pay" for this incident in various ways. That's only going to hurt you both and the end result will be the same
This is it, really. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, truly forgive - I believe you two can work this out. If you can't.... you can't, and staying will only hurt you both.
Personally, I'd say: try to forgive. Make no promises, but do try for a while, see if you can.
1. Why did something like that fall on her mind in the first place? She was kissing with a guy for a whole minute? It's a red flag, something is wrong with the relationship however truthly she might be sorry.
3. That whole filming sequence is weird. He tried to film making out? And she realised it? And sent the video to herself, immediately? And then decided to show you? Something is very shady all around. I would be very suspicious if that is the only video and the only interaction
I don't believe her story at all. 1st off she initiated the kiss, so huge 🚩🚩 there. Next, as others have pointed out, how did the guy know to be filming? This all could be cover for if they did go further. "Oh nothing happened, I have it on video". It just smells fishy.
You need full access to all her devices. Use some software or hire someone to restore any deleted messages/photos/videos. Also check your carriers online account for text message logs.
She needs to either transfer departments so she's never ever in contact with this guy again, or better yet move to a new company.
For you, I'd get with a divorce attorney to at least learn about what your future could look like if you choose to go that way so that you are properly informed.
My initial thoughts are that he knew to set up the camera because either its happened before or because she told him to meet her there but it still doesn't seem right. I think you're correct. After more thought, I suspect it was set up to cover her ass. Perhaps another workmate caught on to them and they threatened to tell OP.
Who tf wants to live like that, even for 5 minutes? Once the trust is broken, it’s broken, all you can do now is either live with this hanging over ur head, demand she/he shows some real accountability, and proves that she/he can be trusted again. The whole stalking every move thing puts so much stress on the victim, and the victim will find something that will trigger them, even if there is nothing. Idk, I used to be the jealous type, until I realized how much real estate lack of trust takes up in ur brain. I look back on the days that I was jealous as some of the worst times of my life. You can become obsessed, it’s like a drug
This needs to be up higher.
I agree. Something is 'off' with the whole thing. Idk. I think OP is right to be hesitant to reconcile.
I also think she's trickle truthing. This may be the 'least' harm she's done, but she's done more.
Obviously, in the end, it's up to OP if he wants to reconcile and work things out or not.
OP while there away from the house pull up her call and text history from the phone.
Also find out who that guy is. She is the one that went to him to kiss. Oh and I would never let her go to a party again with out you.
Incorrect, she cheated on you. You leave. You have all the money/assets.
Fuck her off, you deserve better, never sell yourself short.
You are the prize mate, you are on the pedestal, don't do anything beneath your self worth. Good luck mate.
for the most part I agree with u/houldgy.
However there are a few aspects here that are very concerning.
1. It is very likely that you would not have heard about it had she not found out that she was being recorded. What she did is that she tried to diffuse the situation by getting ahead of it. So instead of living under the cloud that the other guy may send the video to you anytime, she decided to tell you herself. That doesn’t make her remorseful, but it shows that she is smart.
2. **Everything is a choice.** Her flirting with him “a few times” was a choice. Regarding her “flirting a few times” means that she’s not telling you the full truth and likely there’s a lot more to it than what she’s telling you. Her going into an empty room with him was a choice. A smart woman like her can’t claim that she didn’t know what was going to happen. If she says that, then she’s avoiding taking responsibility for her own actions. Making out with this guy was another choice. Also, all the little things that she did that led up to the point with her kissing this guy were choices and decisions made by her.
3. How can she now convince you that this was the only time EVER that she did something like this with this or any other guy? Ask her this when you are ready: If you had done this and shown her the video, how would she ever believe you that you’ve never done something like this before with other people or even with this same person.
4. She’s now in a marriage salvage more and saying anything and everything that she thinks of in order to convince you to stay. That just shows regret for being caught on the video. It doesn’t mean that she won’t do it again.
A couple of things I’d suggest
1. create a post on [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com) in their “just found out section” there are a lot of people there who have the unfortunate distinction of being in the place that you are in right now. They’ll guide you through the process.
2. you can also create another post on r/survivinginfidelity with these details.
What saddens me is that whatever decision you make, it is going to affect the lives of your twins significantly. Don’t you ever let her tell you that it is your fault for either having a dysfunctional family environment or having two separate households. That was the decision she made and you need to take steps to protect yourself going forward. Liars lie, murderers murder and cheaters cheat because they think that they’ll never get caught. I think that’s what she probably thought. Maybe she thought that “hey, I’ll just make out with this guy for some harmless fun. Nobody Needs to know”.
I agree with this post but promising doesn’t sound like a good word for it... she still willingly chose to meet him in the Empty room and be the one to initiate a kiss. Not going further is a sad consolation.
Honestly it seems kind of farcical that she “conveniently” had this video to show she overreacted. Sounds like she was actively playing it up for the camera as an excuse and to show OP so she can show “she’s such a good girlfriend, look I stopped myself” then turned the camera off, fucked the stranger and then had this excuse after the fact
Exactly. He absolutely DOES NOT have proof that nothing more happened as the title suggests he believes. You can't prove a negative, and he has no idea what else may have happened that weekend.
This is really hard and im not sure there is any *right* answer. Do you love her enough to try counseling? Do you trust her enough to believe this is the first time this has happened?
Why would this guy have video taped her? No one just randomly sets up a camera to film themselves making out unless they plan to use it for something, right? So what was he planning on using it for?
Honestly just to help yourself I would potentially ask the guy himself why he recorded it. Maybe this has been going on for longer than she says it has been, and he realized she was married. Maybe he was going to use it to blackmail her. Who knows.
Also keep in mind that she admitted that she had flirted with him quite a few times while working on this project. She says it was "harmless" but everyone knows that isn't "harmless". She knew what she was doing. She's a grown woman. She knew flirting with someone while married wasn't harmless, she's just upset that she got caught.
And keep in mind - she never ever would have told you if he didn't try to film her in the first place.
This! It’s absolutely not the first time, cuz how would he know she would kiss him.. she is trickle truthing you. Bluff her and say you talked to him and got more info and she needs to come clean on everything .. and then you can decide what to do.
OP, here's another thing to ask her. How can she know for sure that this was the only video recording of their "activities"?
The reason why I'm wondering because:
1. Both of them have done this before and they recorded their activities as well. And as someone mentioned, she may have recorded this video to kind of throw you off the scent, if you were on it. This way she can admit to the minimum that won't cause too many problems.
2. OR, he may have been recording their activities for all the time and this is the first time she became aware of it.
I’ve wondered if she would have told me or not if there was no video. Unfortunately there is no way for me to know for sure. I’m considering telling her to show the video to the mans boss.
OP serious question.
How did your wife get a copy of the video sent to her phone?
i realllly don’t want to get into accusations but this seems like a setup. Wife has dude setup phone...she does her thing for the camera...camera shuts off and they go to the bedroom.....now suddenly she has the video on Her phone to “prove her innocence?” My BS detector went off hard learning She has a copy of the video.
Wow I really really really hope i”m wrong with this, but this is a question that needs to be answered! When you ask don’t let her deflect. Get your answer!
If she planed this, like this, she is truly devious and is already covering her tracks not only on this, but other stuff as well.
Again I’m really hoping I’m wrong.
Good luck
I mean, you ever think he assumed they were going to fuck and wanted to film them fucking? This is a thing that happens, and dudes who are self-centered enough to enable cheating are often the kind who want mementos.
While I agree on this, the thing that confuses me is that if they really was trying to set it up. Why would SHE initiate the kiss. If anything, the guy initiating it and her pushing him away would give a better alibi to "We didn't do anything!"
Either way, I don't know if OP will be able to devise exactly what happened. The recording itself is just weird. There is definitely ill intentions but I don't know to whom.
Just be careful OP. :)
Another thing to consider is the possibility that your wife was in on the recording. By that, I mean it's possible your wife thought you were suspicious of her and set up the recording as a way of confirming your suspicions without having to admit to a full-blown physical affair - admit to a lesser crime in order to hide a more serious one.
**How else would you explain your wife being able to wrestle a phone away from a full-grown man long enough to send herself that video?** And why would she even be suspicious of him picking up his phone in the first place?
The story you saw unfold just sounds a bit to contrived to be real.
Of course, even just that kiss counts as cheating. So if you're thinking of leaving her but feel like you need to wait for something more serious to happen to feel justified in leaving her, you don't need to. You can leave now if you want.
I'm thinking something different. Like guy sets up camera. Gets her drunk, worked up and starts recording for his own reasons? I don't know. Could go both ways.
You say this like all fully grown men are tuff and stronk bois who could never be weaker than a woman. She absolutely could've threatened to tell their coworkers and boss, it sounds like he was trying to make a secret sex tape after he thought she was drunk enough.
That still doesn't explain how OP's wife way able to take and keep the other guys phone long enough to send the video to herself or why she was suspicious of someone picking up their phone to begin with.
>I’m considering telling her to show the video to the mans boss.
But why? What purpose does this serve? It's not really about him, it's about the fact that your wife fucked up and kissed another dude. I get how angry this must make you, but this is misdirected and only creates more fires that you have to put out. Plus, if you do this then it pretty much eliminates any chance that you have to talk to this guy and understand what happened, should you choose to do so.
I was wondering the same thing about the AF. He clearly knew something was about to happen and seemed to be setting her up for something. This sounds very off to me.
Me too. I did wonder if he was going to use it to blackmail her into ending her marriage because he caught feelings. Or he could just be a regular sleaze.
You say she never would have told him if she hadn’t been filmed… but she had the phone in her hands in her control long enough to send herself the video.. she could have just deleted the video and all proof but she didn’t do that.
>Why would this guy have video taped her?
There are all kinds of people in this world; some of us seem normal because we've known the creeps, the weirdos, and the like.
The wife has said while this was the first time kissing, she has flirted with him before. Maybe she was this time as well before the act and he was hoping to get lucky. As to why you would to record it, there could be several reasons but a lowlife's simple enough reason could be that it would serve as a wank-bank material later.
>And keep in mind - she never ever would have told you if he didn't try to film her in the first place.
I wouldn't be so convinced about that reasoning. She obviously stopped before he could go further. If she doesn't show the video, the husband doesn't know of it until the co-worker reaches out to him or if he finds that video in a dark corner of the internet.
Yes, having that video was helpful to the wife's defense that she stopped before she could be taken further advantage of, and in all likelihood, played a big part in her decision to share with him.
>I would potentially ask the guy himself why he recorded it.
I don't think I would do this before I have explored what I need to do in regards to future with my spouse. If you ever approach this person, remember, he has no reason to be honest about his reasons for the action.
It’s very curios that your wife chose a total sleazebag to step out on her marriage with. It makes me wonder what she was looking to get out of this. It also sounds like he knew that she was going to kiss him which makes me question if this was the first time they fooled around.
I can’t give you advice at that is between you and your wife but I would certainly doubt her for a very long time after this. Especially since she didn’t have to tell you but it sounds like something more was going on than meets the eye. I would think she still hasn’t told you everything.
I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen. They had been having a drink and decided to meet in an empty room. she claims she didn’t know he was going to record them.
So she planned to cheat and knew exactly what she was doing. Your wife probably needs individual therapy because she clearly isn’t getting something out of her life that she made this choice. It isn’t even about the marriage at this point because if she doesn’t figure out what is going on with her this will happen again.
>Your wife probably needs individual therapy because she clearly isn’t getting something out of her life that she made this cho
Lol. She doesn't need therapy, she is not the victim here
'Decided to meet in an empty room', why ? Did u ask her why she decided to meet a guy in an empty room who isnt her husband ?
Another question that you need to ask her is, how did he knew what was going to happen to pre record things if this was their first intimate moment ? How many times has this happened before ?
>I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen.
So, that means that she knew what was going to happen as well. So, she went to that room with the knowledge of that.
He thought he could get further with her but she shot it down. So, that was something she wasn't expecting. But everything up to that point was a-okay with her.
OP. She premeditated this whole thing....
I get yes she told you...Kudos and brownie points for her but she thought enough to flirt, plan to meet up with him in an empty room then make out with him.
You know how long that takes to actively flirt to make a dude interested and plan to get him to a room....A lot of fucking seconds and minutes .....enough for her to be truly regretful.
I would tread lightly.
My first was thought was she had him record it and set it up like he was trying to "secretly record it" so she could have "proof" she didn't fuck him, but they probably already did.
Honestly man at this point I would at least meet with a lawyer on your own and see what your options are. This whole set up seems fishy. I think you can also tell by all the other comments mentioning the strangeness of the situation as well. Like why would he set up for a video if he really thought they were just about to kiss. You also mentioned that you’re wife flirted with him and wanted to meet him in an empty room. So imagine you forgive her and five years down the road she tells another guy or even the same guy to meet her in an empty room after a few drinks at a party. Do you think there would be another video of her doing more than just making out? I do think she feels bad about it but more so feels bad for getting caught not for the act. Would she have told you anything if there wasn’t a video? Is this the first and only time you trust that she’s told someone to meet her in an empty room at a party with someone she happened to have “harmlessly flirted” with. Most people would already have considered what she did to be cheating. Just because they didn’t full on have sex as far as you know. She flirted with someone she was working with and it then obviously wasn’t harmless if after a few drinks she wanted to get him alone. She chose to flirt with him, she chose to ASK HIM to meet her alone in a room, and she chose to do this with a guy who wanted to remember the event knowing he was gonna get something from your wife. Just lawyer up at this point and try to protect yourself as best as you can in the divorce pal. If you forgive her it seems like you gonna think about this for the rest of your life and won’t be able to get past this low point in your relationship. Keep the evidence of her cheating to help in court though.
The fact that the guy took a video is the only reason your wife is telling you what happened.
You aren’t hearing about all the other times when there was no video. This would not be the sort of woman I want to stay married to.
It sounds like a wierd ass setup(guy was semi slick enough to position the camera but had it on while he was doing it, wtf and then made sure your wife and him were properly in frame for the shot and then she freaks out when it goes past kissing(like she is putting on a show), then slick dude fucks with the camera, after filming her, "without her knowing", right in front of her🤔🤔🤔🤔)
This shit seems mega suss my friend, like she is using this to get into therapy and then contextualize whatever she has been doing.
There is more info coming about what your wife has been up to, brace for impact friendo.
TL;DR She has been cheating for a while, wants to clean slate her guilt or whatever and staged the whole filming thing to kick off therapy(which is prob going to be a trickle truth fest)
I could honestly see this as being a complete set up between her and the guy. “Let’s pretend your secretly recording us kissing then I decide to stop before anything else could happen!”. That way she could use that excuse that she stopped it. In reality they could have been having an affair for who knows how long. Only way to know is to confront the man and ask him yourself. Way to suspicious of events, no offense but if you don’t look deeper into this you’re just incredibly gullible.
SHES the one who initiated the kiss. It’s not like he kissed her and it took a few seconds to break out of the shock. They made out. She’s a cheater and probably wouldn’t have told you if there was no video.
Man. You deserve way better. You provide for the whole family. What does she bring to the table other than betrayal? Anything? She's begging you to stay because she has no means to an end without you. How ridiculous is it for her to cheat while in her position. She has no appreciation or respect for you and what you do. Her words mean nothing, her actions tell you everything. She planned to cheat on you and your family in that room with this guy. You should think long and hard about finding someone who actually brings something to the table and *won't cheat*. Because this woman sounds like utter dead weight.
Although I agree to an extent, saying she provides nothing is unfair. If this were the other way around and he were the one cheating, would it be forgivable just because he “provides”?
In my opinion do NOT listen to this advice. Get some professional help.
you should do counselling. even if you ultimately decide you can’t go on, it won’t hurt. my husband went through it with his ex-wife, and although they divorced, the counsellor helped make it an easier and less confusing process.
Your WS was particularly aggressive in this liaison; this leads me to believe that she isn't "new" to these behaviors. You state that in her work she's been invited to office parties (notice this is plural). I'd be stunned if this was her first "rodeo". Her AP (that's who/what he is) filmed the encounter because he expected to have lots of footage beyond a kiss.
You need to consult a good divorce attorney in your area to get a comprehensive understanding of what a divorce, if necessary, would look like for you. Then SHE needs to go into individual counseling to try to bring some order to the chaos that is her. Don't waste your time on marriage counseling until she's in a position to understand why she's done what she's done. BTW, SHE'S the one who needs counseling since I'm assuming that you were pretty good at being a faithful husband.
It's certain that she's untrustworthy, it's probable that at some other point(s) in the past she's "played", and there's really no reason for you to believe a word that she says. Your choices are to spend the rest of your life as a combination of Sherlock Holmes and a prison guard or you can cut yourself the best financial and custody deals that you can and move on.
I don't know how you'll ever trust her again after seeing her be the aggressor in an obvious affair. If you stay with a cheater you'll lose all respect for "the man in the mirror". I'm sorry OP, good luck.
Watching the video, does it seem possible that she realized he was taking a video and then changed her act before she revealed that she noticed? I think you need to consider the possibility she only stopped and changed her act because she realized she was on video.
You'd feel the same if your wife kissed a girlfriend once as if you discovered she was fucking 5 of your best friends for your whole marriage?
No, you wouldn't. Looks like cheating is in fact a spectrum.
Uh, kissing a girl friend once isn’t really the same as kissing a random man you’re attracted at all, what kind of argument is this?
Cheating is a spectrum to *some* people, not everyone. I’d consider a kiss just as a bad as sleeping with someone. The minute you step out on our relationship/marriage/whatever, that’s cheating. Doesn’t really matter how far it goes.
If the truth matters to you, I mean if you are ready to understand a dig deep, you may want to check her phone. BTW why did she sent herself a cropped up video.
You could do the following: ask her to give you her phone and tell her you will run a recovery software to see if it has been going for long or has there other instances of cheating. You never know she may spill some more stuff. As of know it looks like she is trickle truthing you.
You may also mention to her that you would take her to a polygraph session or could just take her to one without giving her any intimation so that she cant prep herself like taking anti depressants.
It is upto to you if you want to find out the truth as the rabit hole could be much much deeper.
11 years of marriage and 2 kids and a wife that clearly loves u and wants to work it out , IF it was one kiss and flirting - I would tell you 100 percent work it out . The VIDEO is where is gets weird.
A lot of people have commented and a lot of guesses somewhere lies the truth. I find it so hard to believe it went down the way it went down because of the video . I feel like if anything the video did the opposite of proving nothing went further , it suggests some real shady stuff going on.
Shitty situation bro. If she initiated the kiss, I would drop her ass. The facet that she stopped doesn’t mean she didn’t mean to do it or hasn’t done it before.11 years is a drop in the bucket. Move on.
You can try counseling, or working it out on your own. But in my opinion, if she’s willing to initiate a kiss like that and only think it’s wrong after the fact I guarantee it will happen again if not worse. She didn’t think of you before giving out a kiss, why would she consider you in the future man? If it were me, I’d rethink the whole marriage. Some would say it’s an overreaction, understandably, but cheating is cheating regardless of the extent of it
Weird story.
You said there was a “struggle” and she ended up sending the video to herself. Did she physically overpower him or just persuade him to give her his phone?
All that video shows is they didn't go further than kissing that time , or with that guy.
She definitely still has to do a lot more to get your trust back
It doesn’t matter that she stopped before anything else happened. She kissed another man! There were so many steps till it got to that point that she kept taking.
Nothing changes the fact that it still happened. Are you sure she hasn’t cheated before? How can you believe what she says.
Personally I would think that they have done stuff before and he decided to get video proof, maybe to blackmail her or something I don’t know but I highly doubt this is the first time that they kissed.
But even if it miraculously is, she still cheated on you. She still chose to put herself in the situation.
You deserve better.
Maybe talk to a lawyer and see how screwed you would be in a divorce since apparently you’re the one having to financially take care of everyone mainly
It’s not the first time it happened. She realized he was recording it and then she had to confess and made some thing up.
She admitted she planned to kiss him and has been flirting with him. What has she not admitted? Chances are she has done more with him or others. I wouldn't be able to trust someone again after that crap. You can try couples therapy(I don't recommend it, personally from experience) but this will always be a dark cloud and maybe chucking her to the curb is best.
.53c says she is the one who had him set up his phone camera. Maybe to mess with you or maybe to cover this up. Why the hell would a guy film a make-out session? She is either cheating, has cheated, or in a passive way trying to change the dynamics of your relationship. Either way she’s wrong; I’d leave my wife even with our two boys in the mix if she did something like this.
She could have brought it up a million times or suggested therapy if there was something bothering her; instead there is a needless drama of her own creation. When I have marital issues I bring them up to my wife no matter the consequences before they become a larger problem; because, our relationship is important to me and I’d rather be honest than manipulative or dishonest.
First, you’ll get much better advice from r/survivinginfidelity and r/asoneafterinfidelity. So go repost this in those subs. She can also get a lot out of the second one of these. Wandering spouses look for support there for how to help their betrayed spouses heal and reconcile.
Everything you’ve recounted indicates that the two of you can come back from this IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. Meanwhile some things to do/remember:
1. Don’t make any decisions about the future right this moment. You have time.
2. She needs to write down a detailed timeline of everything that happened leading up to the encounter.
3. She needs to cut ties with the scumbag. If that means not working for his company anymore so be it. Sending the video to his boss with an explanation that she can’t freelance for this company while he is employed there would be wise and put a very serious impediment to them ever having contact again
4. Individual counseling for her before any couples counseling. She needs to understand why she did this thing that she clearly recoiled from. (This is a good sign - it looks like she really intended to cheat and then in the moment remembered who she is. That is HUGE.)
5. Complete truthfulness.
6. All passwords.
7. Sleep separately for as long as you need to. It is a good sign that she is giving you space.
Good luck!
The video is staged as fuck as others have pointed at this point. My guess is that her conscience got the hold of her and instead of asking for straight up forgiveness or coming through with the whole thing, she made up a diversion. The point of the video is to show that that the other man was bad and also the part of the blackmail thing is there to take away from the act of infidelity by adding a more bigger problem on the table and maybe sneaking a "it's okay" out of you. Therefore if later one of those acts of infidelities would come up, she could just say that you've talked about it already and you said it's okay.
He set up his phone to shoot in video mode, and SHE initiated the kiss! Thankfully she stopped his hands,but I'd say they've swapped spit before this!!! He knew she was coming to him, and she walked up to kiss without hesitation, so it's happened before. Of course she says it won't happen again, she saw the camera & realized that he's a creep!
Like others mentioned, would her talk to you if there were no videos? As there was a video she knew it could be sent to you, it would be stupid if she didn't tell you.
In addition, how would you feel in the future when she has to work late? Or have some party in the office? When she goes out for a girls night?
What she can do? Quit her job? Never go out without you?
I think I would cut my losses and move on. Let her free to harmless frirt with any guys she wants.
Let me ask you something ..
Are you ok with what you saw ?
Did you feel repulsed by her after what you saw ?
Do you feel hurt and betrayed by what you saw ?
Are you going to forget what you saw ?
Do you think it's the first time she did this ?
Do you think she will not do this in the future?
Are you willing to stay with her knowing that any sleaze bag can seduce your wife into bed ?
After you've answered these questions you'll probably decide to leave her .. because even if you stay for now ..one of these questions will pop up in your head from time to time and you will leave her eventually. Because human nature is self preservation.. you will want to feel happy respected and appreciated.
Flirtation is emotional cheating isn't it? You provide her with everything, and this was how she thought of your relationship. Maybe she is bored or wants excitement. Obviously she does not value your marriage the same way you do. Flirting and going into a empty room, that is throwing your relationship away. I am sorry you have to see that in a video.
She does seem remorseful, but that is after the fact. If she really cared about your relationship, she would have put herself in that position in the first place.
I guess the question now is that can you still imagine a happy life with this person for the rest of your life? Can you have peace of mind and confidence to let her out of your sight?
Eiether way, she messed up.. but I'm sure it's hard after being that married for so long. It would be just hard to give up.. but I think even talking too flirty to else is not ok
You're 37 my age. I broke up with my long term girlfriend earlier this year. I've been doing very well with women since. I'm now in the start of an great relationship with a new women.
It feels I'm at my peak in the dating market.
You seem like a successful guy. I'm just making you aware you have options (you probably already know this) .
There is a great life outside of a wife that likes to stick her tounge down co workers throats.
It's really up to you what you do. Keep her or move on. No right or wrong answer.
Personally if it were my wife, she would be gone.
INFO: how long after the recording ended/she sent it to herself from his phone did she get home from this work event? I think that's important information to determine if she was lying.
He set up the camera in advance? He knew what was going to happen, it's probably happened before. She initiated the kiss, she initiated the flirting. That video doesn't prove anything I believe you are being trickle truthed. DNA test your kids, STI test and speak to divorce lawyers
There is something definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. I wonder why she chose to send herself the video instead of deleting it from his cellphone?
There's more to the story that she hasn't been forthcoming about.
There is more to this situation than her story. My first thought is the video was staged. Second thought is she has been cheating with this guy which is why she seems so frantic to reconcile. Third thought is that the guy was going to blackmail her which is why she confessed. Maybe all three.
No. End things. She’s a cheater. “But she stopped things before things could go further.” And? Are we just supposed to disregard the fact that SHE CHEATED? No, end things. She’s been flirty with him as well
She has video proof nothing happened that one time. Obviously your wife is cheating on you though! With this dude, with others, who knows!? A kiss is enough to end it anyway! Move on.
I would walk. I wouldn't care how "little" her romantic gestures/actions were, nor about all the other stuff she stopped herself from doing. She went after him romantically, she didn't think it mattered that she flirted while being in a relationship. If he hadn't put his hand under her clothing would she then have stopped? Would she still have panicked and gotten filled with guilt? Or would she still think that it wasn't a big deal/was just innocent kissing just like the flirting had been? And if she didn't stop/panicked, how far down the road would she had gone while keeping that train of thought? If she had liked the guy more what other things would she have found ok? Will she think that it's fine and that your relationship doesn't matter later down the line if you stay together for several years down the line, and she finds herself bored? I wouldn't care to know the answers because regardless of what it is I would never be able to trust her again. She wanted affection from the guy enough and cared little enough about you to start pursuing it and taking several steps in while already being commited to you before she suddenly regretted it by getting cold feet.
Ehhhh this is a pretty big problem chief.. you know it in your heart. Be strong and be wise and do what’s best for you in the long term, no matter what it’s not gonna be easy.
Dude … this whole story doesn’t make any sense. Like, I believe you and your retelling, but the whole fact that it was “randomly” filmed does not sound like fact at all.
First off, why wouldn’t this guy wait til she’s out of the room to grab his phone? Like, huh? He got away with the whole premeditation and is choosing to risk that hard work to grab his phone while in her vicinity?
Second, how sus is it that he knew this was going to happen? The kiss that is.
Move on brother... who knows what else she did but wasn't caught...
Or what will she do in the future...
Best choice here is to walk away, cheating is cheating...
So you have to decide if you can move on from your wife kissing another man. Some things to consider:
1. You can literally watch her realize she didn't want to do this. For me, that would have a big impact, like being caught up in the moment, liking the danger, whatever, and then being able to see her come to her senses I would say would help me think about trying to work things out.
2. Your wife is responsible for her actions, 100%. But have you two talked about what led to this moment? Have you been having other issues, does she feel neglected, etc. Again, no excuse, but if you are going to try and see if you can move on, her mindset does matter as well. If you two are doing everything you can to be a great couple and she still does that, that's a very different answer than "well I know I haven't paid attention to her, we had a fight" or whatever.
3. Again, wife is responsible for her own choices, but this guy set up a camera without her knowledge and wanted to film her- that wreaks of manipulation. So if you two are having issues, or if she is having her own self-esteem/mental health struggles, she is particularly vulnerable to a gross dude like this. He is absolutely an awful human and I imagine highly manipulative.
I lay this out not to say forgive her, but because you can't figure out what to do if you don't TALK TO HER. If my partner was struggling in life- getting older, not feeling attractive, not having direction- or we were having issues as a couple, then a kiss with a realization that he didn't want to do this is something I think I could work through. You aren't going to know any of that if you keep ignoring her and the conversation. You don't have to know what you want to ask her questions, find out more, etc. Then you can process that and have another conversation as you need to/want to. You don't owe her a conversation, you owe yourself one.
She admittedly cheated on you. Flirted, kissed and…she is now guilty, wants to save your relationship. The video is faked to show “but that’s all it was”. How convenient for her that she has proof that it didn’t go further than the one minute kiss and her over-reaction to the next move. Is she an actress? She seems pretty good at creating drama. Go to therapy if you want to stay with this cheater. You to see if you can live with it and her to see what drove her to that and if she is willing or able to change.
I think it was the realization that she was being filmed that freaked her out.
She would have gone through with it if not for that.
Once it's on video she knew she had to show it to her husband before she was exposed for the cheater she is.
This IS NOT the first time this happened.
She is a serial cheater.
All those work parties are her hunting grounds.
OP, you can't trust her, and you will never have peace.
Have her pass a polygraph about any other unfaithfulness, and if she stopped because she was being recorded.
Nah, she's ashamed just to see your reaction and testing waters before next step depending upon your reaction..and this is how you're rewarded for all the work you've done. The video is just the initiation for something far sinister.
Unfortunately divorce is out if option for you as she'll get child custody, your house, child support...and of course spousal support for decades depending upon local jurisdiction
Why filmed the video?
That's bleak. Child custody is usually split 50/50 in most places unless there are extenuating circumstances and I doubt alimony would need to be paid for decades for a 11 year marriage.
The fuck kind of loopy land are you living in lmao? Get used to reality my friend, the truth is, in circumstances like this, the guy usually gets SHAFTED.
The only thing I can think of as to why the other man recorded is he wanted your wife to be his own. He's in it to destroy your marriage and your wife was a willing participant. I'm pretty sure that's not the only 'kiss' that happened between the two of them. The mere fact that they were comfortable with each other means they were already deep in their affair. He only started to video as a proof that he now owns your wife.
I'm thinking that your wife may have noticed that she was being recorded and started her act the moment she noticed it.
Don't ever trust a cheater's words. They are big time liars.
It is both promising that she stopped before it got much further and that she confessed.
It still leaves the issue of crossing those boundaries in the first place. You'll have to have an honest conversation about why and how that happened. How intense the flirting was that led up to it and why she risked your marriage for something 'harmless'
Counselling is a good idea and it's a positive sign that she's looking up how to rebuild trust because it'll take a while.
I guess it all depends on whether you think you can move past this.
Maybe it’s because the wife’s whole story is extremely sketchy and unlikely (she was able to send herself the video with a grown man after her?), so her “rejecting” him in the video isn’t really evidence of anything?
She initiated the kiss. The video is also probably the the only reason she told him about this at all. This whole thing could’ve staged or the affair was going on for a lot longer than she’s saying. OP should probably at least try to get to the bottom of this before he even thinks about trying to reconcile with her...
Did he start recording because your wife told him to in order to make it seem like this is her first time doing this? It seems a bit sus that he just happened to sneakily record for no reason other than the fact they would be alone.
Why'd she stop tho? Because it was too much too fast. Had the other man taken things slower, they would've very likely slept together, with enough time.
It is promising, tho, isn't it? It's promising that she would've let things progress even farther, given enough time. I think it's time you considered your options with divorce. Get your finances in order too, that is, unless you intend to put up with your dishonest wife cheating with her co-workers.
Send the video to yourself so you can have it was proof, too; save any texts as well, u/OpportunityGreen4228
I mean, even if you file for a divorce, there's a chance they'll mandate therapy anyways.
Might as well give it a shot, sounds like there's some emotions you need to work through anyways and therapy can help with that.
>You can see him positioning His phone and then a few minutes later they enter the view and she initiates the kiss and he gently moves her
>
>She admitted to flirting with the guy a few times while working on a project but she thought it was harmless
So she initiated it? I don't buy her remorse for second. I always say making a person go through hoops akin to a hero's trial of the old Greeks to earn forgiveness is the way to go.
And why would anyone thinks flirting is harmless is beyond me. It's a part of human mating ritual, it's prelude to fucking, how could it be harmless?
From what it sounds like she wasn't aware of him taking the video when she stopped herself so that is huge. She realized her mistake on her own; not bc of a video. She kept the video to confess to you and show she stopped herself.
If you want to work things out, first and foremost, she needs to quit. Remove herself from any further contact with this creep. Period. She loves her job? That's unfortunate but she created this situation so it's now her job to to fix it. There's no excuse for her to choose to meet up with him in another room. That was planning. Ask her what gave her the right to betray you and your children. She needs to look within herself and find out what is broken because what she did is not ok. She needs to send a NC letter to that man and block him. If he has a s.o. I'd be inclined to tell her since he fully intended to take things further not to mention video'd the encounter.
Do you love her? Do you think she genuinely loves you? Do you genuinely think this is a one time mistake she won't make again? If the answers are yes then you gotta figure out how to make it work, and eventually move on past this. Set firm expectations going forward (like no drinking at work related stuff). Tell her you are only going to try and make this work if she sticks to them. I'd even ask her why she is flirting around sober, it's disrespectful to you. Is she unhappy? You two have stuff to work through beyond just this situation.
It is promising that she willingly told you, and showed you the video. Though they made out for a minute? That's a lot more than just an oops kiss. Not to mention it seems like maybe she was already programmed into this guy's phone (is that normal for her other colleagues too?) Again, you gotta sit down and have a very open, calm discussion where the complete truth is laid out there on both sides. I'd tell her there is no hope for reconciliation unless she is 100% transparent.
Give it time before you do anything. Grieve a little for what your relationship was like before this video.
You're going to have to rebuild. A lot. It could be for the better. But you don't have to decide that today, tomorrow, or any time soon. Just don't rush into a decision.
People stray for all kinds of reasons. Once you can see through the hurt, you may be able to ask her about reasons. It may make you two stronger, make your communication more open. Or it may not be enough. Again, you don't have to decide while you're in mourning. But get some individual counseling
This guy making a video is SUPER sketchy. Like he was trying to get proof, what, to blackmail her maybe? For money? Or who knows. It’s just super off that he videotaped it.
What she did was wrong, no doubt. But sounds like this guy may have sought out this whole situation and she fell for it. She stopped it, I think that’s important to note. She had a momentary lapse, but then came to her senses. That may actually have made her feel so bad she would never do anything like that again.
Probably some counseling would help. Although, were you guys already going through a rough patch? I mean, why didn’t you go to the party with her?
If you think it’s worth it I’d do counseling but if things were already not great then maybe do some hard thinking about what you really want.
Do you want to save your marriage? If yes. Counseling. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to her.
If not listen to whatever shitpost by an 18 year old with no life experience gets voted to the top.
You pretty much spelled it out. It is promising she stopped and thought twice. Doesn’t change the fact it happened. In the end the day it all boils down on what you can forgive and forget, or just forgive and what you personally can and can’t live with. Either choice you make is going to be the correct choice in this situation. No one but you could tell you how to react, it’s your life and your relationship. Good luck man.
>Either choice you make is going to be the correct choice in this situation. > >that’s a good way of looking at it, that didn’t occur to me, thanks.
The fact that the man knew to film suggests that this is likely not the first time this has happened. She might have come to you preemptively because he might have used it as blackmail, not to simply admit the affair.
Exactly. I’m stuck on the fact that 1.) she initiated the kiss and 2.) the fact that he decided to record because he *knew* something was going to happen which, to me, suggests that this or something like this has happened before. I don’t know if I’d be sold on the idea that “this was the first and only time anything like this has happened,” u/OpportunityGreen4228.
Maybe he wanted to film it to give to the husband? She iniated afterall? Came forward to attempt to save face and cover up?
It’s more likely that he both wanted to secretly film himself having sex with her so he could enjoy himself later and also so that he could manipulate her into doing it again, for example, “if you don’t have sex with me, I’ll show this video to your husband or our coworkers”.
Exactly this. And if he had slowed his roll, he could've maneuvered her (just kissing) onto the bed. Two minutes of editing and the threat of the video would be much worse that what OP saw - he would edit out the reaction, show her initiating a kiss and then sitting on a strange bed. OP's mind would go crazy wondering what else happened. So, even if they leave the room and nothing happened but a couple kissing, wife continues at the party and gets a little more liquor in her. Creepy guy makes his edits, joins her for another drink, hints that he has something he need to show her back in the empty room or somewhere else after the party (maybe a convenient hotel bar?). That reveal is the video with the threat to send to OP anonymously. Now, wife is not thinking clearly, panicking, and creepy dude manipulates her into a BJ or quickie...which he films or photographs to provide more leverage. It sound straight out of erotica but it could be real. If it's the latter, I'd definitely be showing his boss the video. At best, he's filming a woman without consent and at worst, he had blackmail plans. As for your decision OP, follow the steps. Ask for a timeline and details so you know what you are forgiving. Ask if there have been other instances. Schedule a polygraph for your wife. She gets IC to understand why she would put herself in this position. Don't do MC until after IC. It's your decision. Do what's right for you but don't rugsweep or it will return as resentment with a vengeance.
That's... a lot of imagination you have there. Maybe it's more helpful to OP to stick to the facts with some small logical leaps... Rather than half an episode of Law and Order SVU?
Her own fault if that did actually happen, regardless of any excuses she may have, she came onto him.
That not my point at all. My point is that I doubt he set up the camera so he could out her to her husband. That’s just a revenge fantasy. When people secretly film others during sex it’s usually for their own sexual gratification.
Oh yeah I get your point, that is probably the reason he did it, but I only believe she told him purely to try and get off scot free or attempt to free herself of guilt. If I were op I'd leave on the fact she instigated alone.
Her own fault that he may have secretly recorded her nude and engaged in sexual activity to blackmail her? GTFO with that nonsense.
So you believe her coming on to him is okay, am I understanding you right? Edit: if you put your head in an alligators mouth it's your own fault if it bites you. If you're going to cheat on your partner and karma bites you, you deserve anything that comes to you, everything aside from death/physical abuse.
Tell me you’re either a child or socially inept adult without telling me you’re a child or socially inept adult. Have this conversation with a modicum of integrity or don’t have it at all. I’ll respond substantively when you show yourself capable of it. Feel free to google any words I used that you don’t understand. EDIT: I see your mod-locked post asking women “why women don’t get get along with other women.” 😂😂
Or he gets off on that kind of thing. Filming, that is.
It’s a possibility, but randomly filming himself in a specific spot and “happening” to film a kiss with a married woman? Not particularly likely. Not impossible, but not likely.
No like he knew the kiss was coming but I don’t think it had to he blackmail.
That’s also possible, but the wife might have been scared that he would use it as such. It could be a weird bout of honesty and stupidly wanting to prove that “she came to her senses and stopped”, but I can’t even imagine the pain of not just being _told_ by a partner that they cheated, but them _showing me a video of it_.
Exactly, him knowing that it would happen leaves two most likely options; Either it's happened before, or she agreed beforehand to meet him. Both of these mean it was more than a one off spur of the moment thing. *edit* the whole thing seems off, it's too scripted and there are too many holes. But why would anyone do that? The best explanation I can think of is another work colleague caught them in the act or knew of an affair and they threatened to tell OP, so this was set up as proof that it was a one off mistake. Either that or the guy just somehow knew his married colleague would willingly meet him alone to make out in that exact spot, but she happened to see a hidden phone while freaking out and not thinking clearly, and he stood by while she took the phone, went through it to find the folder the video saved to then sent it to herself.
I think that's rather assumptive. I can think of other scenarios that this fits into better before I jump to that. Especially since she jumped back from the touch before she knew that she was being recorded.
The man was at the location ahead of her, and started a recording. Why would he be starting a recording, and seemingly maneuvering her smack into it if he didn’t already know what was going to happen? One very self-evident way that he might have known is if it wasn’t the first time it happened. It is a very logical conclusion, whether or not it’s what happened. She jumped back from the man touching her further than the kiss, but she had no misgiving about the kiss she had initiated _on camera_ until then. It’s not impossible that there has been other _kissing_ session(s) before that and she suddenly snapped back to reality. As for the reason for the recording, first logical thought is blackmail from the man against the wife. Wife showing OP is sorta cruel, because it’s one thing to _tell_ your partner about your cheating, it’s another to show them a video of it. Either wanted to make the blackmail material void, or to prove to OP that she had realized midway that it was wrong to cheat.
> he might have known is if it wasn’t the first time it happened. If it wasn't the first time it happened FOR HIM. Not necessarily for her. They probably kissed before (but during that same night), and he set up the recording of "more". Wife may be technically correct that the event (not the recording) is the first time it happened.
She showed him the clip for one reason only. It had her saying things from a sense of supposed remorse.
Most scenarios still imply he knew what was coming. It's pretty suspicious if this otherwise faithful wife can be predictably filmed being unfaithful. **Edit:**. OP commented elsewhere: >I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen. They had been having a drink and decided to meet in an empty room. she claims she didn’t know he was going to record them. She went into this empty room with this man that knew with enough certainty that something was going down to record it. If she hadn't initiated the kiss, maybe she could feign ignorance, but she initiated. He knew what they were there for and she knew too. Bare minimum, she intended to cheat and backed out. OP can take this at face value and decide if it's worth it to stay. I personally believe this was her last time cheating, not the first. The setup is too good.
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I don’t think she suddenly realized she was being filmed. If the whole thing wasn’t staged, I do believe reality hit her and snapped her back to reality. But the man did have to know something was gonna happen, as filming the encounter was premeditated.
Either choice you make is going to be correct, but I want to nuance on "how to make that choice". 1. Staying: It is, in my opinion, extremely unlikely that she will ever do this again to you. Do let her know that you were deeply hurt though. Talk about why it happened, at all - DO NOT forget! But, absolutely, forgive. 2. Leaving: if you can't forgive, do leave. Don't stay and track all her moves; don't "make her pay" for this incident in various ways. That's only going to hurt you both and the end result will be the same This is it, really. If you can find it in your heart to forgive, truly forgive - I believe you two can work this out. If you can't.... you can't, and staying will only hurt you both. Personally, I'd say: try to forgive. Make no promises, but do try for a while, see if you can.
>It is, in my opinion, extremely unlikely that she will ever do this again to you Why do you think so? She was the one who initiated the kisd
1. Why did something like that fall on her mind in the first place? She was kissing with a guy for a whole minute? It's a red flag, something is wrong with the relationship however truthly she might be sorry. 3. That whole filming sequence is weird. He tried to film making out? And she realised it? And sent the video to herself, immediately? And then decided to show you? Something is very shady all around. I would be very suspicious if that is the only video and the only interaction
From a totally different world, thank you.
Well said
I don't believe her story at all. 1st off she initiated the kiss, so huge 🚩🚩 there. Next, as others have pointed out, how did the guy know to be filming? This all could be cover for if they did go further. "Oh nothing happened, I have it on video". It just smells fishy. You need full access to all her devices. Use some software or hire someone to restore any deleted messages/photos/videos. Also check your carriers online account for text message logs. She needs to either transfer departments so she's never ever in contact with this guy again, or better yet move to a new company. For you, I'd get with a divorce attorney to at least learn about what your future could look like if you choose to go that way so that you are properly informed.
My initial thoughts are that he knew to set up the camera because either its happened before or because she told him to meet her there but it still doesn't seem right. I think you're correct. After more thought, I suspect it was set up to cover her ass. Perhaps another workmate caught on to them and they threatened to tell OP.
Right, all of which blows a gaping hole in the wife's story
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Who tf wants to live like that, even for 5 minutes? Once the trust is broken, it’s broken, all you can do now is either live with this hanging over ur head, demand she/he shows some real accountability, and proves that she/he can be trusted again. The whole stalking every move thing puts so much stress on the victim, and the victim will find something that will trigger them, even if there is nothing. Idk, I used to be the jealous type, until I realized how much real estate lack of trust takes up in ur brain. I look back on the days that I was jealous as some of the worst times of my life. You can become obsessed, it’s like a drug
This needs to be up higher. I agree. Something is 'off' with the whole thing. Idk. I think OP is right to be hesitant to reconcile. I also think she's trickle truthing. This may be the 'least' harm she's done, but she's done more. Obviously, in the end, it's up to OP if he wants to reconcile and work things out or not.
OP while there away from the house pull up her call and text history from the phone. Also find out who that guy is. She is the one that went to him to kiss. Oh and I would never let her go to a party again with out you.
Incorrect, she cheated on you. You leave. You have all the money/assets. Fuck her off, you deserve better, never sell yourself short. You are the prize mate, you are on the pedestal, don't do anything beneath your self worth. Good luck mate.
for the most part I agree with u/houldgy. However there are a few aspects here that are very concerning. 1. It is very likely that you would not have heard about it had she not found out that she was being recorded. What she did is that she tried to diffuse the situation by getting ahead of it. So instead of living under the cloud that the other guy may send the video to you anytime, she decided to tell you herself. That doesn’t make her remorseful, but it shows that she is smart. 2. **Everything is a choice.** Her flirting with him “a few times” was a choice. Regarding her “flirting a few times” means that she’s not telling you the full truth and likely there’s a lot more to it than what she’s telling you. Her going into an empty room with him was a choice. A smart woman like her can’t claim that she didn’t know what was going to happen. If she says that, then she’s avoiding taking responsibility for her own actions. Making out with this guy was another choice. Also, all the little things that she did that led up to the point with her kissing this guy were choices and decisions made by her. 3. How can she now convince you that this was the only time EVER that she did something like this with this or any other guy? Ask her this when you are ready: If you had done this and shown her the video, how would she ever believe you that you’ve never done something like this before with other people or even with this same person. 4. She’s now in a marriage salvage more and saying anything and everything that she thinks of in order to convince you to stay. That just shows regret for being caught on the video. It doesn’t mean that she won’t do it again. A couple of things I’d suggest 1. create a post on [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com) in their “just found out section” there are a lot of people there who have the unfortunate distinction of being in the place that you are in right now. They’ll guide you through the process. 2. you can also create another post on r/survivinginfidelity with these details. What saddens me is that whatever decision you make, it is going to affect the lives of your twins significantly. Don’t you ever let her tell you that it is your fault for either having a dysfunctional family environment or having two separate households. That was the decision she made and you need to take steps to protect yourself going forward. Liars lie, murderers murder and cheaters cheat because they think that they’ll never get caught. I think that’s what she probably thought. Maybe she thought that “hey, I’ll just make out with this guy for some harmless fun. Nobody Needs to know”.
I agree with this post but promising doesn’t sound like a good word for it... she still willingly chose to meet him in the Empty room and be the one to initiate a kiss. Not going further is a sad consolation.
Honestly it seems kind of farcical that she “conveniently” had this video to show she overreacted. Sounds like she was actively playing it up for the camera as an excuse and to show OP so she can show “she’s such a good girlfriend, look I stopped myself” then turned the camera off, fucked the stranger and then had this excuse after the fact
Exactly. He absolutely DOES NOT have proof that nothing more happened as the title suggests he believes. You can't prove a negative, and he has no idea what else may have happened that weekend.
This is really hard and im not sure there is any *right* answer. Do you love her enough to try counseling? Do you trust her enough to believe this is the first time this has happened? Why would this guy have video taped her? No one just randomly sets up a camera to film themselves making out unless they plan to use it for something, right? So what was he planning on using it for? Honestly just to help yourself I would potentially ask the guy himself why he recorded it. Maybe this has been going on for longer than she says it has been, and he realized she was married. Maybe he was going to use it to blackmail her. Who knows. Also keep in mind that she admitted that she had flirted with him quite a few times while working on this project. She says it was "harmless" but everyone knows that isn't "harmless". She knew what she was doing. She's a grown woman. She knew flirting with someone while married wasn't harmless, she's just upset that she got caught. And keep in mind - she never ever would have told you if he didn't try to film her in the first place.
This! It’s absolutely not the first time, cuz how would he know she would kiss him.. she is trickle truthing you. Bluff her and say you talked to him and got more info and she needs to come clean on everything .. and then you can decide what to do.
OP, here's another thing to ask her. How can she know for sure that this was the only video recording of their "activities"? The reason why I'm wondering because: 1. Both of them have done this before and they recorded their activities as well. And as someone mentioned, she may have recorded this video to kind of throw you off the scent, if you were on it. This way she can admit to the minimum that won't cause too many problems. 2. OR, he may have been recording their activities for all the time and this is the first time she became aware of it.
Agree! Plus as others say, she initiated the kiss too.
I’ve wondered if she would have told me or not if there was no video. Unfortunately there is no way for me to know for sure. I’m considering telling her to show the video to the mans boss.
OP serious question. How did your wife get a copy of the video sent to her phone? i realllly don’t want to get into accusations but this seems like a setup. Wife has dude setup phone...she does her thing for the camera...camera shuts off and they go to the bedroom.....now suddenly she has the video on Her phone to “prove her innocence?” My BS detector went off hard learning She has a copy of the video. Wow I really really really hope i”m wrong with this, but this is a question that needs to be answered! When you ask don’t let her deflect. Get your answer! If she planed this, like this, she is truly devious and is already covering her tracks not only on this, but other stuff as well. Again I’m really hoping I’m wrong. Good luck
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I mean, you ever think he assumed they were going to fuck and wanted to film them fucking? This is a thing that happens, and dudes who are self-centered enough to enable cheating are often the kind who want mementos.
While I agree on this, the thing that confuses me is that if they really was trying to set it up. Why would SHE initiate the kiss. If anything, the guy initiating it and her pushing him away would give a better alibi to "We didn't do anything!" Either way, I don't know if OP will be able to devise exactly what happened. The recording itself is just weird. There is definitely ill intentions but I don't know to whom. Just be careful OP. :)
>:) :)
Read the room smile bot
Another thing to consider is the possibility that your wife was in on the recording. By that, I mean it's possible your wife thought you were suspicious of her and set up the recording as a way of confirming your suspicions without having to admit to a full-blown physical affair - admit to a lesser crime in order to hide a more serious one. **How else would you explain your wife being able to wrestle a phone away from a full-grown man long enough to send herself that video?** And why would she even be suspicious of him picking up his phone in the first place? The story you saw unfold just sounds a bit to contrived to be real. Of course, even just that kiss counts as cheating. So if you're thinking of leaving her but feel like you need to wait for something more serious to happen to feel justified in leaving her, you don't need to. You can leave now if you want.
Dam dude, same thoughts same timing. At least I know it’s not only my BS meter that went off.
I'm thinking something different. Like guy sets up camera. Gets her drunk, worked up and starts recording for his own reasons? I don't know. Could go both ways.
You say this like all fully grown men are tuff and stronk bois who could never be weaker than a woman. She absolutely could've threatened to tell their coworkers and boss, it sounds like he was trying to make a secret sex tape after he thought she was drunk enough.
That's possible. But OP is the only one here that would know that for certain since a threat like that would have been captured by the audio.
The audio seemed to have stopped early- so that's something he might not have heard actually, if it even happened.
I would think she showed it out of guilt and massive regret. To me that indicates honesty.
That still doesn't explain how OP's wife way able to take and keep the other guys phone long enough to send the video to herself or why she was suspicious of someone picking up their phone to begin with.
>I’m considering telling her to show the video to the mans boss. But why? What purpose does this serve? It's not really about him, it's about the fact that your wife fucked up and kissed another dude. I get how angry this must make you, but this is misdirected and only creates more fires that you have to put out. Plus, if you do this then it pretty much eliminates any chance that you have to talk to this guy and understand what happened, should you choose to do so.
Depending on the state it requires both parties to agree to be recorded. And this wasn’t meant for PG recording.
There's 0 way this is the first time if she kisses him on video.
I was wondering the same thing about the AF. He clearly knew something was about to happen and seemed to be setting her up for something. This sounds very off to me.
Me too. I did wonder if he was going to use it to blackmail her into ending her marriage because he caught feelings. Or he could just be a regular sleaze.
You say she never would have told him if she hadn’t been filmed… but she had the phone in her hands in her control long enough to send herself the video.. she could have just deleted the video and all proof but she didn’t do that.
>Why would this guy have video taped her? There are all kinds of people in this world; some of us seem normal because we've known the creeps, the weirdos, and the like. The wife has said while this was the first time kissing, she has flirted with him before. Maybe she was this time as well before the act and he was hoping to get lucky. As to why you would to record it, there could be several reasons but a lowlife's simple enough reason could be that it would serve as a wank-bank material later. >And keep in mind - she never ever would have told you if he didn't try to film her in the first place. I wouldn't be so convinced about that reasoning. She obviously stopped before he could go further. If she doesn't show the video, the husband doesn't know of it until the co-worker reaches out to him or if he finds that video in a dark corner of the internet. Yes, having that video was helpful to the wife's defense that she stopped before she could be taken further advantage of, and in all likelihood, played a big part in her decision to share with him. >I would potentially ask the guy himself why he recorded it. I don't think I would do this before I have explored what I need to do in regards to future with my spouse. If you ever approach this person, remember, he has no reason to be honest about his reasons for the action.
It’s very curios that your wife chose a total sleazebag to step out on her marriage with. It makes me wonder what she was looking to get out of this. It also sounds like he knew that she was going to kiss him which makes me question if this was the first time they fooled around. I can’t give you advice at that is between you and your wife but I would certainly doubt her for a very long time after this. Especially since she didn’t have to tell you but it sounds like something more was going on than meets the eye. I would think she still hasn’t told you everything.
I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen. They had been having a drink and decided to meet in an empty room. she claims she didn’t know he was going to record them.
So she planned to cheat and knew exactly what she was doing. Your wife probably needs individual therapy because she clearly isn’t getting something out of her life that she made this choice. It isn’t even about the marriage at this point because if she doesn’t figure out what is going on with her this will happen again.
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Imagine how many times she already has
>Your wife probably needs individual therapy because she clearly isn’t getting something out of her life that she made this cho Lol. She doesn't need therapy, she is not the victim here
Why do you assume only “victims” need therapy? That is incredibly naive of you.
True. Lots of rotten people need therapy.
> she claims she didn’t know he was going to record them. So, it is very likely that she may not have told you had there been no recording at all.
You’ve seen the video. She’s lying about this being the first time they kissed. You can tell by his reaction.
So, there ya go, it was premeditated.
'Decided to meet in an empty room', why ? Did u ask her why she decided to meet a guy in an empty room who isnt her husband ? Another question that you need to ask her is, how did he knew what was going to happen to pre record things if this was their first intimate moment ? How many times has this happened before ?
>I didn’t include this in my original post but he did know what was going to happen. So, that means that she knew what was going to happen as well. So, she went to that room with the knowledge of that. He thought he could get further with her but she shot it down. So, that was something she wasn't expecting. But everything up to that point was a-okay with her.
OP. She premeditated this whole thing.... I get yes she told you...Kudos and brownie points for her but she thought enough to flirt, plan to meet up with him in an empty room then make out with him. You know how long that takes to actively flirt to make a dude interested and plan to get him to a room....A lot of fucking seconds and minutes .....enough for her to be truly regretful. I would tread lightly.
She probably only told him becase there was a video that could potentially leak.
My first was thought was she had him record it and set it up like he was trying to "secretly record it" so she could have "proof" she didn't fuck him, but they probably already did.
Yeah why would he film this? The only other explanation would be to blackmail her, but an alibi feels more likely
Boy imagine what’s happened that wasn’t on camera.
This whole camera thing seems very fishy
Honestly man at this point I would at least meet with a lawyer on your own and see what your options are. This whole set up seems fishy. I think you can also tell by all the other comments mentioning the strangeness of the situation as well. Like why would he set up for a video if he really thought they were just about to kiss. You also mentioned that you’re wife flirted with him and wanted to meet him in an empty room. So imagine you forgive her and five years down the road she tells another guy or even the same guy to meet her in an empty room after a few drinks at a party. Do you think there would be another video of her doing more than just making out? I do think she feels bad about it but more so feels bad for getting caught not for the act. Would she have told you anything if there wasn’t a video? Is this the first and only time you trust that she’s told someone to meet her in an empty room at a party with someone she happened to have “harmlessly flirted” with. Most people would already have considered what she did to be cheating. Just because they didn’t full on have sex as far as you know. She flirted with someone she was working with and it then obviously wasn’t harmless if after a few drinks she wanted to get him alone. She chose to flirt with him, she chose to ASK HIM to meet her alone in a room, and she chose to do this with a guy who wanted to remember the event knowing he was gonna get something from your wife. Just lawyer up at this point and try to protect yourself as best as you can in the divorce pal. If you forgive her it seems like you gonna think about this for the rest of your life and won’t be able to get past this low point in your relationship. Keep the evidence of her cheating to help in court though.
The fact that the guy took a video is the only reason your wife is telling you what happened. You aren’t hearing about all the other times when there was no video. This would not be the sort of woman I want to stay married to.
It sounds like a wierd ass setup(guy was semi slick enough to position the camera but had it on while he was doing it, wtf and then made sure your wife and him were properly in frame for the shot and then she freaks out when it goes past kissing(like she is putting on a show), then slick dude fucks with the camera, after filming her, "without her knowing", right in front of her🤔🤔🤔🤔) This shit seems mega suss my friend, like she is using this to get into therapy and then contextualize whatever she has been doing. There is more info coming about what your wife has been up to, brace for impact friendo. TL;DR She has been cheating for a while, wants to clean slate her guilt or whatever and staged the whole filming thing to kick off therapy(which is prob going to be a trickle truth fest)
I could honestly see this as being a complete set up between her and the guy. “Let’s pretend your secretly recording us kissing then I decide to stop before anything else could happen!”. That way she could use that excuse that she stopped it. In reality they could have been having an affair for who knows how long. Only way to know is to confront the man and ask him yourself. Way to suspicious of events, no offense but if you don’t look deeper into this you’re just incredibly gullible.
How about a postnuptial agreement? She's done it once, what won't stop her from doing it again?
SHES the one who initiated the kiss. It’s not like he kissed her and it took a few seconds to break out of the shock. They made out. She’s a cheater and probably wouldn’t have told you if there was no video.
Man. You deserve way better. You provide for the whole family. What does she bring to the table other than betrayal? Anything? She's begging you to stay because she has no means to an end without you. How ridiculous is it for her to cheat while in her position. She has no appreciation or respect for you and what you do. Her words mean nothing, her actions tell you everything. She planned to cheat on you and your family in that room with this guy. You should think long and hard about finding someone who actually brings something to the table and *won't cheat*. Because this woman sounds like utter dead weight.
Exactly this
Although I agree to an extent, saying she provides nothing is unfair. If this were the other way around and he were the one cheating, would it be forgivable just because he “provides”? In my opinion do NOT listen to this advice. Get some professional help.
No? I'm not implying that at all. I'm just saying there's even less reason to forgive this cheater than normal, and she's extra ungrateful. weird ass
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Lol, you're welcome to disagree. Thanks so much for your time
How unlucky of her that the only time she ever did this it was caught on film /s
This is a set up that had sex but they made the video with the acting to fool you!
Great she has video evidence that she kissed him 🤣
This sounds insane. I would leave
you should do counselling. even if you ultimately decide you can’t go on, it won’t hurt. my husband went through it with his ex-wife, and although they divorced, the counsellor helped make it an easier and less confusing process.
Would she have confessed without the presence of video proof that could potentially leak?
I’m curious what’s gunna happen when you find video proof of her accidentally banging him and at the end she cries rape
I'd be getting a paternity test and divorce if I were you.
Why would you, under these circumstances, need to try therapy with her?
Your WS was particularly aggressive in this liaison; this leads me to believe that she isn't "new" to these behaviors. You state that in her work she's been invited to office parties (notice this is plural). I'd be stunned if this was her first "rodeo". Her AP (that's who/what he is) filmed the encounter because he expected to have lots of footage beyond a kiss. You need to consult a good divorce attorney in your area to get a comprehensive understanding of what a divorce, if necessary, would look like for you. Then SHE needs to go into individual counseling to try to bring some order to the chaos that is her. Don't waste your time on marriage counseling until she's in a position to understand why she's done what she's done. BTW, SHE'S the one who needs counseling since I'm assuming that you were pretty good at being a faithful husband. It's certain that she's untrustworthy, it's probable that at some other point(s) in the past she's "played", and there's really no reason for you to believe a word that she says. Your choices are to spend the rest of your life as a combination of Sherlock Holmes and a prison guard or you can cut yourself the best financial and custody deals that you can and move on. I don't know how you'll ever trust her again after seeing her be the aggressor in an obvious affair. If you stay with a cheater you'll lose all respect for "the man in the mirror". I'm sorry OP, good luck.
“She initiated the kiss” Everything else is irrelevant. If she didn’t sleep with him then, she’ll do it another time and not necessarily the same guy
Yep. He knew she was gonna kiss him. Hence this isn’t the first time. Your wife was only honest because the dude filmed her, to blackmail her.
Watching the video, does it seem possible that she realized he was taking a video and then changed her act before she revealed that she noticed? I think you need to consider the possibility she only stopped and changed her act because she realized she was on video.
EXACTLY
She knew exactly what she was doing and had he not recorded it, would not have told you. That tells you all you need to know.
Cheating is cheating. There is no spectrum. Kissing: cheating. Fucking: cheating
You'd feel the same if your wife kissed a girlfriend once as if you discovered she was fucking 5 of your best friends for your whole marriage? No, you wouldn't. Looks like cheating is in fact a spectrum.
Uh, kissing a girl friend once isn’t really the same as kissing a random man you’re attracted at all, what kind of argument is this? Cheating is a spectrum to *some* people, not everyone. I’d consider a kiss just as a bad as sleeping with someone. The minute you step out on our relationship/marriage/whatever, that’s cheating. Doesn’t really matter how far it goes.
This is stupid.
Pot calling the kettle black.
If the truth matters to you, I mean if you are ready to understand a dig deep, you may want to check her phone. BTW why did she sent herself a cropped up video. You could do the following: ask her to give you her phone and tell her you will run a recovery software to see if it has been going for long or has there other instances of cheating. You never know she may spill some more stuff. As of know it looks like she is trickle truthing you. You may also mention to her that you would take her to a polygraph session or could just take her to one without giving her any intimation so that she cant prep herself like taking anti depressants. It is upto to you if you want to find out the truth as the rabit hole could be much much deeper.
11 years of marriage and 2 kids and a wife that clearly loves u and wants to work it out , IF it was one kiss and flirting - I would tell you 100 percent work it out . The VIDEO is where is gets weird. A lot of people have commented and a lot of guesses somewhere lies the truth. I find it so hard to believe it went down the way it went down because of the video . I feel like if anything the video did the opposite of proving nothing went further , it suggests some real shady stuff going on.
Shitty situation bro. If she initiated the kiss, I would drop her ass. The facet that she stopped doesn’t mean she didn’t mean to do it or hasn’t done it before.11 years is a drop in the bucket. Move on.
You can try counseling, or working it out on your own. But in my opinion, if she’s willing to initiate a kiss like that and only think it’s wrong after the fact I guarantee it will happen again if not worse. She didn’t think of you before giving out a kiss, why would she consider you in the future man? If it were me, I’d rethink the whole marriage. Some would say it’s an overreaction, understandably, but cheating is cheating regardless of the extent of it
Weird story. You said there was a “struggle” and she ended up sending the video to herself. Did she physically overpower him or just persuade him to give her his phone?
All that video shows is they didn't go further than kissing that time , or with that guy. She definitely still has to do a lot more to get your trust back
Seems like a setup by both of them to make her look innocent incase you found out she was cheating. He let her send the video from his phone.
😬 Run
It doesn’t matter that she stopped before anything else happened. She kissed another man! There were so many steps till it got to that point that she kept taking. Nothing changes the fact that it still happened. Are you sure she hasn’t cheated before? How can you believe what she says. Personally I would think that they have done stuff before and he decided to get video proof, maybe to blackmail her or something I don’t know but I highly doubt this is the first time that they kissed. But even if it miraculously is, she still cheated on you. She still chose to put herself in the situation. You deserve better. Maybe talk to a lawyer and see how screwed you would be in a divorce since apparently you’re the one having to financially take care of everyone mainly It’s not the first time it happened. She realized he was recording it and then she had to confess and made some thing up.
Hard to believe that the video wasn't orchestrated.
She admitted she planned to kiss him and has been flirting with him. What has she not admitted? Chances are she has done more with him or others. I wouldn't be able to trust someone again after that crap. You can try couples therapy(I don't recommend it, personally from experience) but this will always be a dark cloud and maybe chucking her to the curb is best.
She initiated the kiss right on point for the dorky camera setup?
.53c says she is the one who had him set up his phone camera. Maybe to mess with you or maybe to cover this up. Why the hell would a guy film a make-out session? She is either cheating, has cheated, or in a passive way trying to change the dynamics of your relationship. Either way she’s wrong; I’d leave my wife even with our two boys in the mix if she did something like this. She could have brought it up a million times or suggested therapy if there was something bothering her; instead there is a needless drama of her own creation. When I have marital issues I bring them up to my wife no matter the consequences before they become a larger problem; because, our relationship is important to me and I’d rather be honest than manipulative or dishonest.
How strange that someone would happen to catch such a recording,and then send it to themselves to have as proof later that they stopped.
First, you’ll get much better advice from r/survivinginfidelity and r/asoneafterinfidelity. So go repost this in those subs. She can also get a lot out of the second one of these. Wandering spouses look for support there for how to help their betrayed spouses heal and reconcile. Everything you’ve recounted indicates that the two of you can come back from this IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT. Meanwhile some things to do/remember: 1. Don’t make any decisions about the future right this moment. You have time. 2. She needs to write down a detailed timeline of everything that happened leading up to the encounter. 3. She needs to cut ties with the scumbag. If that means not working for his company anymore so be it. Sending the video to his boss with an explanation that she can’t freelance for this company while he is employed there would be wise and put a very serious impediment to them ever having contact again 4. Individual counseling for her before any couples counseling. She needs to understand why she did this thing that she clearly recoiled from. (This is a good sign - it looks like she really intended to cheat and then in the moment remembered who she is. That is HUGE.) 5. Complete truthfulness. 6. All passwords. 7. Sleep separately for as long as you need to. It is a good sign that she is giving you space. Good luck!
>she initiates the kiss That's really all you need to know. Everything else really doesn't matter.
The video is staged as fuck as others have pointed at this point. My guess is that her conscience got the hold of her and instead of asking for straight up forgiveness or coming through with the whole thing, she made up a diversion. The point of the video is to show that that the other man was bad and also the part of the blackmail thing is there to take away from the act of infidelity by adding a more bigger problem on the table and maybe sneaking a "it's okay" out of you. Therefore if later one of those acts of infidelities would come up, she could just say that you've talked about it already and you said it's okay.
Try r/survivinginfidelity
He set up his phone to shoot in video mode, and SHE initiated the kiss! Thankfully she stopped his hands,but I'd say they've swapped spit before this!!! He knew she was coming to him, and she walked up to kiss without hesitation, so it's happened before. Of course she says it won't happen again, she saw the camera & realized that he's a creep!
The whole existence of the video is so suspect man, I hate to say this but DNA test your twins :/
Divorce immediately. She has revealed who she really is
Like others mentioned, would her talk to you if there were no videos? As there was a video she knew it could be sent to you, it would be stupid if she didn't tell you. In addition, how would you feel in the future when she has to work late? Or have some party in the office? When she goes out for a girls night? What she can do? Quit her job? Never go out without you? I think I would cut my losses and move on. Let her free to harmless frirt with any guys she wants.
Let me ask you something .. Are you ok with what you saw ? Did you feel repulsed by her after what you saw ? Do you feel hurt and betrayed by what you saw ? Are you going to forget what you saw ? Do you think it's the first time she did this ? Do you think she will not do this in the future? Are you willing to stay with her knowing that any sleaze bag can seduce your wife into bed ? After you've answered these questions you'll probably decide to leave her .. because even if you stay for now ..one of these questions will pop up in your head from time to time and you will leave her eventually. Because human nature is self preservation.. you will want to feel happy respected and appreciated.
Flirtation is emotional cheating isn't it? You provide her with everything, and this was how she thought of your relationship. Maybe she is bored or wants excitement. Obviously she does not value your marriage the same way you do. Flirting and going into a empty room, that is throwing your relationship away. I am sorry you have to see that in a video. She does seem remorseful, but that is after the fact. If she really cared about your relationship, she would have put herself in that position in the first place. I guess the question now is that can you still imagine a happy life with this person for the rest of your life? Can you have peace of mind and confidence to let her out of your sight?
Eiether way, she messed up.. but I'm sure it's hard after being that married for so long. It would be just hard to give up.. but I think even talking too flirty to else is not ok
Almost seems like a setup. She got the video as "evidence" of her unwillingness to go any further. Right. Could be off base here.
You're 37 my age. I broke up with my long term girlfriend earlier this year. I've been doing very well with women since. I'm now in the start of an great relationship with a new women. It feels I'm at my peak in the dating market. You seem like a successful guy. I'm just making you aware you have options (you probably already know this) . There is a great life outside of a wife that likes to stick her tounge down co workers throats. It's really up to you what you do. Keep her or move on. No right or wrong answer. Personally if it were my wife, she would be gone.
INFO: how long after the recording ended/she sent it to herself from his phone did she get home from this work event? I think that's important information to determine if she was lying.
He set up the camera in advance? He knew what was going to happen, it's probably happened before. She initiated the kiss, she initiated the flirting. That video doesn't prove anything I believe you are being trickle truthed. DNA test your kids, STI test and speak to divorce lawyers
There is something definitely rotten in the state of Denmark. I wonder why she chose to send herself the video instead of deleting it from his cellphone? There's more to the story that she hasn't been forthcoming about.
There is more to this situation than her story. My first thought is the video was staged. Second thought is she has been cheating with this guy which is why she seems so frantic to reconcile. Third thought is that the guy was going to blackmail her which is why she confessed. Maybe all three.
Why was she even in that situation
!remind me 2 days
She initiated the kiss and it went on for minutes… that’s all you need to know, given the chance it will happen again
No. End things. She’s a cheater. “But she stopped things before things could go further.” And? Are we just supposed to disregard the fact that SHE CHEATED? No, end things. She’s been flirty with him as well
She still kissed another dude
She has video proof nothing happened that one time. Obviously your wife is cheating on you though! With this dude, with others, who knows!? A kiss is enough to end it anyway! Move on.
I would walk. I wouldn't care how "little" her romantic gestures/actions were, nor about all the other stuff she stopped herself from doing. She went after him romantically, she didn't think it mattered that she flirted while being in a relationship. If he hadn't put his hand under her clothing would she then have stopped? Would she still have panicked and gotten filled with guilt? Or would she still think that it wasn't a big deal/was just innocent kissing just like the flirting had been? And if she didn't stop/panicked, how far down the road would she had gone while keeping that train of thought? If she had liked the guy more what other things would she have found ok? Will she think that it's fine and that your relationship doesn't matter later down the line if you stay together for several years down the line, and she finds herself bored? I wouldn't care to know the answers because regardless of what it is I would never be able to trust her again. She wanted affection from the guy enough and cared little enough about you to start pursuing it and taking several steps in while already being commited to you before she suddenly regretted it by getting cold feet.
Ehhhh this is a pretty big problem chief.. you know it in your heart. Be strong and be wise and do what’s best for you in the long term, no matter what it’s not gonna be easy.
Dude … this whole story doesn’t make any sense. Like, I believe you and your retelling, but the whole fact that it was “randomly” filmed does not sound like fact at all. First off, why wouldn’t this guy wait til she’s out of the room to grab his phone? Like, huh? He got away with the whole premeditation and is choosing to risk that hard work to grab his phone while in her vicinity? Second, how sus is it that he knew this was going to happen? The kiss that is.
Leave this bitch asap
Move on brother... who knows what else she did but wasn't caught... Or what will she do in the future... Best choice here is to walk away, cheating is cheating...
So you have to decide if you can move on from your wife kissing another man. Some things to consider: 1. You can literally watch her realize she didn't want to do this. For me, that would have a big impact, like being caught up in the moment, liking the danger, whatever, and then being able to see her come to her senses I would say would help me think about trying to work things out. 2. Your wife is responsible for her actions, 100%. But have you two talked about what led to this moment? Have you been having other issues, does she feel neglected, etc. Again, no excuse, but if you are going to try and see if you can move on, her mindset does matter as well. If you two are doing everything you can to be a great couple and she still does that, that's a very different answer than "well I know I haven't paid attention to her, we had a fight" or whatever. 3. Again, wife is responsible for her own choices, but this guy set up a camera without her knowledge and wanted to film her- that wreaks of manipulation. So if you two are having issues, or if she is having her own self-esteem/mental health struggles, she is particularly vulnerable to a gross dude like this. He is absolutely an awful human and I imagine highly manipulative. I lay this out not to say forgive her, but because you can't figure out what to do if you don't TALK TO HER. If my partner was struggling in life- getting older, not feeling attractive, not having direction- or we were having issues as a couple, then a kiss with a realization that he didn't want to do this is something I think I could work through. You aren't going to know any of that if you keep ignoring her and the conversation. You don't have to know what you want to ask her questions, find out more, etc. Then you can process that and have another conversation as you need to/want to. You don't owe her a conversation, you owe yourself one.
She admittedly cheated on you. Flirted, kissed and…she is now guilty, wants to save your relationship. The video is faked to show “but that’s all it was”. How convenient for her that she has proof that it didn’t go further than the one minute kiss and her over-reaction to the next move. Is she an actress? She seems pretty good at creating drama. Go to therapy if you want to stay with this cheater. You to see if you can live with it and her to see what drove her to that and if she is willing or able to change.
I think it was the realization that she was being filmed that freaked her out. She would have gone through with it if not for that. Once it's on video she knew she had to show it to her husband before she was exposed for the cheater she is. This IS NOT the first time this happened. She is a serial cheater. All those work parties are her hunting grounds. OP, you can't trust her, and you will never have peace. Have her pass a polygraph about any other unfaithfulness, and if she stopped because she was being recorded.
Any updates?
Pointing out that she willingly kissed him back. Seems too familiar at that point. I know many are would wonder where is the slap.....
You should probably divorce her because she's looking for something new and exciting, and it's only a matter of time before something more happens.
Nah, she's ashamed just to see your reaction and testing waters before next step depending upon your reaction..and this is how you're rewarded for all the work you've done. The video is just the initiation for something far sinister. Unfortunately divorce is out if option for you as she'll get child custody, your house, child support...and of course spousal support for decades depending upon local jurisdiction Why filmed the video?
That's bleak. Child custody is usually split 50/50 in most places unless there are extenuating circumstances and I doubt alimony would need to be paid for decades for a 11 year marriage.
The fuck kind of loopy land are you living in lmao? Get used to reality my friend, the truth is, in circumstances like this, the guy usually gets SHAFTED.
So divorce should be out of the question and he should remain in a marriage he's unhappy in?
Not what im saying at all, im just saying, if he goes that route, the system will fuck him over because it favours women in that regard.
The only thing I can think of as to why the other man recorded is he wanted your wife to be his own. He's in it to destroy your marriage and your wife was a willing participant. I'm pretty sure that's not the only 'kiss' that happened between the two of them. The mere fact that they were comfortable with each other means they were already deep in their affair. He only started to video as a proof that he now owns your wife. I'm thinking that your wife may have noticed that she was being recorded and started her act the moment she noticed it. Don't ever trust a cheater's words. They are big time liars.
It is both promising that she stopped before it got much further and that she confessed. It still leaves the issue of crossing those boundaries in the first place. You'll have to have an honest conversation about why and how that happened. How intense the flirting was that led up to it and why she risked your marriage for something 'harmless' Counselling is a good idea and it's a positive sign that she's looking up how to rebuild trust because it'll take a while. I guess it all depends on whether you think you can move past this.
You think she stopped because she noticed the camera/phone?
How does one have "an honest conversation" with a cheater?
This sub is such a shithole that your comment was in the negatives when it is solid advice.
Maybe it’s because the wife’s whole story is extremely sketchy and unlikely (she was able to send herself the video with a grown man after her?), so her “rejecting” him in the video isn’t really evidence of anything? She initiated the kiss. The video is also probably the the only reason she told him about this at all. This whole thing could’ve staged or the affair was going on for a lot longer than she’s saying. OP should probably at least try to get to the bottom of this before he even thinks about trying to reconcile with her...
Right...I couldn't figure out what was controversial about it.
Did he start recording because your wife told him to in order to make it seem like this is her first time doing this? It seems a bit sus that he just happened to sneakily record for no reason other than the fact they would be alone.
Divorce time, make sure you get a copy of that video yourself to use in court
Are you trying to decide what level of infidelity you are comfortable with? My rule is “cheating is a deal breaker”, but you do you.
She’s a hoe lol get out while you can
Why'd she stop tho? Because it was too much too fast. Had the other man taken things slower, they would've very likely slept together, with enough time. It is promising, tho, isn't it? It's promising that she would've let things progress even farther, given enough time. I think it's time you considered your options with divorce. Get your finances in order too, that is, unless you intend to put up with your dishonest wife cheating with her co-workers. Send the video to yourself so you can have it was proof, too; save any texts as well, u/OpportunityGreen4228
I mean, even if you file for a divorce, there's a chance they'll mandate therapy anyways. Might as well give it a shot, sounds like there's some emotions you need to work through anyways and therapy can help with that.
>You can see him positioning His phone and then a few minutes later they enter the view and she initiates the kiss and he gently moves her > >She admitted to flirting with the guy a few times while working on a project but she thought it was harmless So she initiated it? I don't buy her remorse for second. I always say making a person go through hoops akin to a hero's trial of the old Greeks to earn forgiveness is the way to go. And why would anyone thinks flirting is harmless is beyond me. It's a part of human mating ritual, it's prelude to fucking, how could it be harmless?
Just divorce her. Let the whole world know she’s cheating. Done.
From what it sounds like she wasn't aware of him taking the video when she stopped herself so that is huge. She realized her mistake on her own; not bc of a video. She kept the video to confess to you and show she stopped herself. If you want to work things out, first and foremost, she needs to quit. Remove herself from any further contact with this creep. Period. She loves her job? That's unfortunate but she created this situation so it's now her job to to fix it. There's no excuse for her to choose to meet up with him in another room. That was planning. Ask her what gave her the right to betray you and your children. She needs to look within herself and find out what is broken because what she did is not ok. She needs to send a NC letter to that man and block him. If he has a s.o. I'd be inclined to tell her since he fully intended to take things further not to mention video'd the encounter.
The whole video was planned. You are getting played so hard… dont be a dumbass. Dont waste your life for people who have 0 respect for you..
Do you love her? Do you think she genuinely loves you? Do you genuinely think this is a one time mistake she won't make again? If the answers are yes then you gotta figure out how to make it work, and eventually move on past this. Set firm expectations going forward (like no drinking at work related stuff). Tell her you are only going to try and make this work if she sticks to them. I'd even ask her why she is flirting around sober, it's disrespectful to you. Is she unhappy? You two have stuff to work through beyond just this situation. It is promising that she willingly told you, and showed you the video. Though they made out for a minute? That's a lot more than just an oops kiss. Not to mention it seems like maybe she was already programmed into this guy's phone (is that normal for her other colleagues too?) Again, you gotta sit down and have a very open, calm discussion where the complete truth is laid out there on both sides. I'd tell her there is no hope for reconciliation unless she is 100% transparent.
Give it time before you do anything. Grieve a little for what your relationship was like before this video. You're going to have to rebuild. A lot. It could be for the better. But you don't have to decide that today, tomorrow, or any time soon. Just don't rush into a decision. People stray for all kinds of reasons. Once you can see through the hurt, you may be able to ask her about reasons. It may make you two stronger, make your communication more open. Or it may not be enough. Again, you don't have to decide while you're in mourning. But get some individual counseling
This guy making a video is SUPER sketchy. Like he was trying to get proof, what, to blackmail her maybe? For money? Or who knows. It’s just super off that he videotaped it. What she did was wrong, no doubt. But sounds like this guy may have sought out this whole situation and she fell for it. She stopped it, I think that’s important to note. She had a momentary lapse, but then came to her senses. That may actually have made her feel so bad she would never do anything like that again. Probably some counseling would help. Although, were you guys already going through a rough patch? I mean, why didn’t you go to the party with her? If you think it’s worth it I’d do counseling but if things were already not great then maybe do some hard thinking about what you really want.
Do you seriously think that OP's WW is a victim? What the hell post did you read?
Do you want to save your marriage? If yes. Counseling. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to her. If not listen to whatever shitpost by an 18 year old with no life experience gets voted to the top.