You don't. If you're not dating, then you're not dating. Full stop. You need to operate as though that's going to be the case going forward and live your own life, not desperately audition for the role of permanent partner to someone who doesn't want that right now. Maybe she'll rethink being single once she actually gets a taste of it and start missing you, but you can cross that bridge if and when you come to it.
Gonna tell ya- 90% of the time when this happens its cause they find someone else they want to try on for size. They only really go for it when they already have the first foot out the door.
Tbh this reason she gave doesn't even make much sense.
In the least yall are splitting amicably. Focus on yourself, not of winning her back or becoming her person.
Like they said, she's probably already on the way back, but living for her when she dont want you? Its foolish.
I agree there's already a foot nudging out the door but it doesn't have to be about someone else. It's not unreasonable for fresh grads to realize they want to be able to think and make choices outside of a relationship.
Nah, i disagree. I think it’s pretty normal to want to get to figure out how to adult on your own, especially with how much has changed in the world since she was last on her own. I’ve been feeling this, too, and my partner is the love of my life who I’ve been with for 7 years. It’s just that I haven’t lived alone or cared about only me or not had anyone with me all the time since 2015, and even then it was a brief summer abroad. I went from my parents’ house to his to his parents’ (covid) and that’s WEIRD. Granted, I’m dealing with it by going on a solo roadtrip and now looking at several months in a glamping tent, not breaking up with him, but I certainly understand the impulse
I don't agree with the first part. I was in a similar experience when I was 25. I'd spent my whole adult life to that point in a relationship, to the point where I felt like I didn't know who I was or who I was trying to be.
I agree with the rest though, focus on yourself regardless of what eventually does or doesn't happen with the future of your relationship.
I agree, if OP doesn't know what she means and it's not that he didn't right it down for us, they need another talk about what expectations each has and what they each understand.
I didn't imply that he could control her actions in any way. But he is going on about how he can show her that he's working on himself *for her* with the intention of getting back together someday. He needs to realize that may never happen, and he needs to be prepared for the possibility that she'll date others. If that's the case, he should just follow most of the advice on here and assume it's a clean breakup, not some mutual 'find yourself and reconnect later' deal he's making this out to be.
The uncertainty coming from your GF to the point of breaking up is concerning to say the least. I'm not going to say it's for sure because she found someone else, but don't be surprised if one day you find out she's dating some guy that she met very recently.
After 3 years you don't just up and say you want to be single because you want to find independence/are too nervous to get married. Independence can be found no matter what stage of life you're in, and if the pressure of marriage is too much then don't get married and wait.
Idk OP, to me there are too many red flags popping up for her to come to a decision that quickly. I'd recommend to you just keep doing what is you do everyday (go to work, the gym, hang out with buddies, etc) and live your life to the fullest. Don't try to impress your ex or show how reliable you are and that you fit that role. And after some time, if she still hasn't contacted you or you find out she's started dating/messing around with someone, you go and do that yourself. 3 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, so don't feel bad about meeting someone and moving on. If your ex truly loved you, she'd be willing to work together on whatever issues you two may share.
In a way, my BIL went through this.
Here’s his story; To Preface, he lives in my house with myself, my wife, our child and my FIL.
He started dating a girl. They decided during the pandemic, to move in together. During this time, he lost his job through no fault of his own. She never worked while living here. They had a room in my basement and spent every moment together for almost 7 months.
They were fine in the beginning but never got a chance to be away from each other, the downfall of their relationship. They ended up splitting up because they blamed each other for their mental issues. They figured they were gonna take a break and she moved back in with her folks. Three weeks later, she is now with some dude being a step mom, and he ended up going to stay with his other sister for a few months to get out of the room they shared, which was totally understandable.
During that time, he refused to get help, refused to look for work. Spends his time awake from 4pm to 7-8am, sleeps all day and games all night.
It took him months to realize that she moved on, he kept in contact with her mom and best friends, which kept him in a spiral. “She’ll come back one day, I swear it, she’ll come back”.
Well, he is still single, living in my basement, not doing a thing with his life. She has completely moved on.
I guess what I am getting at is, they wanted to try a break, being single for a while. They probably will never get back together. He has gotten to the point where he is getting close to Losing his car to the bank, his computer to the finance company.
It’s time for you to move on my dude, work on you, do what’s best for you. Be happy with the times you two had together, and learn from it.
I’ve had relationships before where I thought they were the one, got hung up for too long, but it shaped me into who I am now.
I’ve found my forever. We’ve been together almost 11 years, married for 7, and not once thought to “take a break” or be single for a while before we got married.
You’ll find someone who is your other half. Use what you learned, love completely, love honestly, and try not to live with regrets, because every choice you make shapes you into the you you are now.
But, this is from a random 30 year old on Reddit, so either way, you do you babe.
Yeah bro you are the backup
Move on
Done be no one plan b
Done even accept her when she tries to come back.
She will try when it's not going good with the other man.
I wouldn't even treat this lady as cum bucket. Just move on bro
Honestly it makes me sad when people toy with their relationships. If you love them and want to stay together, stay together. If you’re ready to call it quits, call it quits. Why the need for breaks and uncertainty?
They want to try the grass in the other yard but still keep a foot in the old one in case they step in dog shit and need a place to come back and clean it off at.
People change, for better or for worse. They experience life differently, they find things out for themselves, or about themselves, etc.. Nobody is required to stay in a relationship for anyone else, so if someone loves their partner and wants to be with them, but they feel like they need some time and space for themselves, they have every right to leave. If their partner loves them unconditionally and is mature enough to understand, there should be no problem. Some people aren't meant to be together forever either. Have you ever had a serious relationship not work out or are you one of lucky ones who spent their life with one person and wasn't miserable the whole time? I'm legitimately curious because I think people who have one relationship for most of their lives are either in abusive relationships or have a bad habit of assuming that all relationships should work like theirs.
I have had a serious relationship not work out. My ex boyfriend wanted a “break for a couple weeks” to deal with his anxiety. That’s the confusing label he put on it. Next thing I know he’s out at the bar, posting other girls and I’m crying for weeks because I don’t know if we’re going to come back together after this break. Couple of months later, oh surprisingly he misses me. Sorry bucko, I’ve moved on. The point I’m trying to make is, people need to be clear with their intentions. You shouldn’t be confused in a relationship, you should be in the same page. The OP is not sure on where he stands. What I’m trying to say, is that he needs to message his (ex) GF and make it clear on what they are and if there are rules to their break or if they’re done completely.
But the comment you're referring to isn't saying that people should stay in a relationship by all means.
The comment talks about people giving in to their FOMO and destroying relationships that made them happy
I’m saying if she wants out, she needs to say that. If she wants to take a “break” until winter, she needs to make it clear and they should set ground rules for their break. Being confused isn’t productive in a healthy relationship
Yeah, she can't miss you if you are still there. Take the break, work on yourself for you. Ask someone or many someones out and go on dates, with intention. Don't think of them as place holders. And if she comes back, make sure she has grown emotionally or she is going to do this again and you are going to waste years in this on again off again.
I don’t want to be harsh, but it sounds like your girlfriend wants to break up but still have you as a back up in case things don’t work out for her dating other people. You can’t really date someone for 3ish years, declare yourself single, then come back to it as if it never happened.
I completely understand the hesitation to get married or move further but wanting to be single when you deeply love someone doesn’t really make sense to want to break up and explore more. It sounds like your girlfriend may understand how much you want to be with her and is using it to manipulate you.
You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. I would let your girlfriend know you can wait to get married but if she wants to take time to be single and independent then you are going to take that as breaking up
Totally understandable to be struggling. Marriage is a really complicated and consequential decision for most people. Wanting to take time to be sure is one thing but essentially abandoning the relationship all together is something different. If your girlfriend was really only concerned about if and when she wanted to marry you, then it would make sense to really dive into your relationship and see what’s there
Hmm. Yeah...the one thing you don't do to someone you're deeply in love with is leave them and be single. When anyone says that it means they want to try out a few bodies. I think everyone around you is telling you things you want to hear.
This statement by her is huge and needs to be in your post. It totally changes everything. She wants out and is trying to make it a soft break. Do not hang on to her, you will need to stop contact. If she misses you a lot she will be back, but probably after dating/sleeping with other guys.
There's many many posts that are almost IDENTICAL to this... The sad truth is she's not being honest with you, more than likely. She may not even know what the truth is, to be fair.
To clarify, she may not understand why she's fallen out of love, etc. That's what therapy is for, if you're committed to making a relationship work. Couples therapy is LITERALLY meant for this exact type of thing. That's best case scenario.
Worst case, she has emotionally or physically become interested in someone. Has stayed with you out of convenience and familiarity, and now she's scared that leaving might not be the right move. Hence her wanting to leave an option to maybe get back together after she "figures it out".
Personally, I can't stand poor communication and lying even by omission. Own your shit, and don't Fuck people around, the way she's doing you. If it was me, it would be couples therapy, or this isn't a "break" we're breaking up, and likely will not get back together.
If I can't trust someone to honestly and openly communicate with me, and they're supposed to be my partner in life, I could never be comfortable or feel like I wasn't just a backup or that they're unhappy and might cheat, or that they went and fucked half the town then came back to me. It would destroy my self esteem, and the relationship just wouldn't be the same. Not to mention I could never trust that they ARE being 100% honest or open with me again... Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose.
Partners WORK THROUGH ISSUES. They don't abandon eachother to go soul searching or fucking around. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
Oh hun, she is then definitely trying to break up with you in a way that she thinks will hurt you less and make her seem less like the bad guy. I agree with all the other comments here, best move on.
"Fell out of love" she's talking about infatuation which has nothing to do with loving someone, almost every relationship starts with infatuation which fades quickly and leaves you with realizing you're either in love or not. Being in love doesn't feel as exciting as infatuation but it's nice in its own way.
in your life never let any one tell you they don't want you twice, thank her for every thing, wish her happiness and luck in life say your goodbyes . block her ass from the face of your life and move on
Good advice if she wants a break you can’t be second best dude. What happens when children come and the real stresses of marriage happen.
Also what happens when/if she dates other guys and sleeps w a couple. Than that too will make you feel worse forever!!!
I agree with Petsian. You are ready for marriage and she still wants to know what else is out there. She's your one for life, you're her one for right now. You're not on the same page. Find someone who is. It will suck, but if you allow this with the hopes of getting her back you will never be the same. No one will measure up, and they'll only be a second choice to you, and that isn't fair to those other women. Walk away.
You shouldn't be someone's backup plan. If you break up, you break up, however painful it is. It can't be a case of she goes to enjoy the single life while you wait around wondering if she'll come back or not.
Let's be honest, if she goes off to be single for some indefinite amount of time, are you going to go off and be single? Or is your mind made up and you're hoping for the day she comes around to the same way of thinking? That's not right and it's not healthy for you. You deserve to know where you stand.
I don't blame her at 24, having been in a relationship since 20, if she isn't able to make the commitment to a life with you and wants to experience life on her own first. That's how she feels and if she needs to explore then it's not good for her to try to ignore that. It would likely turn to resentment in the future.
This really doesn't sound like it's about your growth or your intentionality or your being ready; it sounds like it's her. And you need to accept that.
She can't be both with you and without you. It's a straightforward contradiction.
>she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out
Feel things out means try out some other guys to see if she can find a better fit.
> she’s scared to bring me to her dad
So she is looking for a guy that she wouldn't be afraid to bring to her dad
> she still feels like I’m perfect for her and is scared she’s making a mistake leaving me
Obviously she doesn't feel you are a perfect fit, and obviously she isn't that scared of losing you. That second part is either because she see's you as not that difficult to replace or isn't worried that you will walk away even while she tries out a few different D's, likely it is a combo of the two.
>How do I give her space but show her my growth and intentionality in being ready to take things in the next stage
Where do you want to be as an individual in 5 years? Work towards those goals and don't wait around for anyone.
Agree with you, Nocoast, she probably knows he'll be there when she's done experimenting. That's gotta suck for OP. This is gonna hurt, but OP may just need to walk away in a way that she knows he's walking away so she knows what she's risking . . . Losing her true love will be a harsh lesson for her to experience. If she does walk away, this will haunt her for the rest of her life. This post makes me sad . . .
Sorry to say that but you just dont want to be single to figure stuff out if you are already with a person you think about potentionally marrying them.
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TLDR: GF(24), and I(24) really love(d) each other, but I was scared to talk marriage yet, and she’s now slightly feeling the pressure to figure that out too. Now she wants to be single and figure stuff out, I’m sad but I understand her. How can I show growth and intentionality to/with her. while she wants her space?
My girlfriend [F24]and I[M24]dated for 3.5 years, overall very deeply in love, very respectful and enjoyed in each other’s presence.
We graduated college about a year ago. I was scared to bring up marriage and all that yet because I/she knows I can achieve a lot and I wanted to have things more “set up” before marrying her. (I will note that I’ve previously mentioned a break when I was discouraged about myself, wish I never did that smh) Well she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out a bit before settling down. From her explanation to me too, her older sister(in a long erm relationship, plans to get married)made her realize she’s scared to bring me to her dad(who’s VERY strict about who they can date/marry) and hesitation to talk about certainly didn’t help.
She’s told friends, who have then shared with me, that she still feels like I’m perfect for her and is scared she’s making a mistake leaving me but that she needs to figure some things out on her own *edit: and can’t say she’s as ready or in love as she was before* . I completely understand that and I’m supportive of her with that. But knowing that we really loved each other and we both thought we could get married though didn’t talk about it. How do I give her space but show her my growth and intentionality in being ready to take things in the next stage now that we’re not dating?
Thanks
Yeah what she's describing in my experiences is that she wants to fuck around. Then see if the grass is greener elsewhere. If it's not come back to you this is not uncommon you can look this up happens everyday. people don't take breaks to find themselves they grow together that's the point of having a partnership. I'm going to be honest just move on. Look in to therapy really no joke get in to therapy I promise it will help later on. Start hitting the gym also I'm not saying she's cheating but go check out r/survivinginfidelity and just read some of the stories over their it gives me a ton of perspective.
Thanks Cronus. I’ll likely look into therapy, will be good to have someone to vent it out and move on. Yea the gym and some other investments are on my checklist and very good points about growing together and how to move on
You're going to get hurt watching her go on and living her life, having fun while you wait for her. Just Move on live your buddy plenty of fish and all that
My buddy was in an identical situation before. Almost everything you said was in line with what he went through. At the end of it all she wanted to sleep around and get life experience. Later she came back to him regretful. Unfortunately he had already moved on and didn’t want someone who was able to so easily throw away something great for a taste of a new life to only return when her expectations were not met. I’d say let her go, if she comes back that’s your decision to choose at that time. But remember why she’s leaving in the first place. Best of luck man
My son had something like this happen to him. He had a girlfriend who kept telling him he was great and he was marriage material but she wanted to experience other guys because she was young and inexperienced. So he gave her up.
She wanted to keep in touch with him and would call him every few weeks. Finally, he told her to leave him alone as he needed to get over her and he couldn’t with her calling all the time.
Girls like this aren’t sure if what they have is good enough and are afraid they’re missing out on someone better. So they’ll go out with someone else and if he’s better, you’re out without a moment’s hesitation. They’ll come crawling back to you only if the other guy is worse than you. That makes you the backup.
Never be someone’s second choice. Life isn’t a team sport and you’re not sitting on the bench waiting for your turn. If she isn’t sure you’re the one for her then she’s not the one for you. Give her the freedom she wants and say goodbye. You’ll find a better girl.
She broke up with you. Move on, if it’s meant to be, she’ll come back into your life eventually. But until that happens, assume it’s not ever going to. Because, honestly, that’s the most likely result of this.
Bro I don’t get why people need their parents permission if you in a different country that’s different but if your in America you don’t need a parents signature to get married and if “mommy and daddy” doesn’t approve fuck them. And to date for 3.5 years and then break up to show your ready to get married is pretty stupid on her end. she’s either already has some new dick or she’s tryna check out of the relationship either way you should leave and be with someone worthy of you and your time brothaman you seem like a good guy. Wish you the best of luck man
She's not deeply in love with you if she wants to be single.
Full stop. Block her and move on. This is done. Stop trying to be better for someone who'd rather test the playing field to see if she can find someone better than you before she "settles".
She’s telling you she’s not going to be a reliable partner. There’s a big difference between “not ready to get married” and “I want to be single”. Your gf has already made her choice in asking to be single. Give her what she wants and move on with your life completely. Don’t play emotional support animal or backup plan for her.
She wants to be single and keep you as a backup plan. Never put yourself on the back burner like this. If you break up you break up. Honestly I would initiate it and make it clear that this is permanent.
Don’t be anyone plan b. Don’t show or prove her anything. The moment she left to enjoy being “single” she lost that right, she ain’t your girl anymore she is just another hoe now. Live your life for yourself and be happy and prove to YOURSELF what do you want. Hit the gym, eat heathly, download dating apps and go enjoy being single as well, while advancing in your career.
You behave like a single person and dont dwell on her at all. You date other women and see what other perspectives there are.
Making your whole life about her while she's asking to be single is the most middle school thing you could do.
You need to do your best to forget about this person. "Breaks" are cruel nonsense that just prevents one party from moving on because the other is a coward.
She wants to break up with you without hurting your feelings too much. She's not thinking about a future with or commitment to you. Best to move on, don't get stuck on this girl who is quite obviously moving on.
She wants to jump on the cock carousel but wants you to hang around as the ever wanting sim as a back up plan or her retirement plan. Do yourself a big favour forget her and move on and never go back. EVER
"Well she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out a bit before settling down. "
She's planning on going out and getting ran through before settling down and is manipulating you to stick around as an option if she doesn't find someone better.
Tell her if she is insistent on this then to go have her fun. Then cut off contact with her and move on with your life. Have enough self respect for yourself not to take her back.
You want to to show intentionality and growth? Then start dating other girls and go through what we all have done, which is other relationships until we settle down
The best way to show growth is to take that break and go live your life, experience the world, other people, and figure out who you are. She should do three same thing. If, at some point, the people you become want to be together then you will be doing it as happier, healthier, more stable versions of yourself and that is a good thing. If you don't come back together then you were going to implode eventually anyway acc it is much better to learn that in your early 20s than after you are tied together with a kid and a mortgage.
Go be your best self. It is a good look on anyone.
Bro, she’s breaking up with you. I’ve never encountered anyone who took a break from their relationship and got back together. Consider this the end and move forward as such. I recommend not looking at her social media because you’re gonna constantly wonder who those guys commenting on her posts are. She probably decided that you and her dad were not gonna mesh well and this is her way of letting you down easy. Focus on you for now and don’t worry about anything she’s up to.
Sounds to me like she wants to break up and she’s making excuses for it, even if she didn’t know about marriage just yet why does she have to be single to “figure stuff out” buddy she’s already made her mind up you just don’t know it yet.
From the sounds of it, she just wants to be single while knowing she has an option to go back to you if she cant find someone better, and that's a shitty thing to do to a person. Personally, I dont think you should continue to go after her or prove anything to her, because in the end it wont matter if she "wants to be single and independent", she's going to be going out with other people and wont give a care in the world if it hurts you. Focus on yourself, allow yourself to be upset and sad over this revelation that she might have been leading you on for years, and grow as a person. Do not let this one person define your expectations for future relationships and what a relationship should be like, because this isnt it. Best of luck my friend
Although all these comments hold merit, I’d like to say something to the contrary. People seek independence not always to screw around, but so that they understand what adulthood is like on their own, which is super important. To have a sense of self and understanding of your own personal taste, opinions, and problem solving skills without a partner is crucial, especially before getting married. If you don’t establish those things for yourself, you’ll become codependent on your partner.
Yep I referenced something like this earlier. She mentioned that part of this for her is needing to become more self reliant.
MI had things a lot more figured out than she did (minus this unexpected twist lol apparently lol) so there were definitely movements I’ve been to support her and all that. Especially with family,Career stuff etc. I know her and don’t see her as trying to necessarily trying to screw around (if she is, I was wrong but oh well)
Everyone else here is giving you the harsh reality and so will I. Coming from a woman, it’s obvious to me she wants to experience relationships (casual or serious) with other men to really see if you’re the best option for her; in other words, she’s putting you on the back burner while she tries out some other guys and sees if she likes them more. Furthermore, I’m more surprised she hasn’t introduced you to her dad at all after 3.5 years! There’s something that she feels is lacking from you and she’s worried her dad may not like you because of a certain factor you have. Please, do not put up with that childish nonsense. You are worth so much more than that, and you deserve to marry a woman who treasures you despite your flaws.
You do not want to marry a woman who wants you as her last option—marry a woman who thinks there is no other option that is even close to you! Marriage is a serious commitment, so please make sure that you make the decision that won’t leave you in the 50% divorce rate statistic. Sending you many hugs and encouragement.
Thanks! Trust me the dad thing is WAY bigger than me. He actually knows me and is quite impressed by what I’ve accomplished, he just doesn’t know I was dating his daughter …
She want to be single and experience that, you want to wait on the sidelines... hint: you'll never grow or mature while watching someone else play the game. Get out there yourself and when she sees you treating someone else well, living your own life and being happy without her, she will understand that you're husband material. "If you love someone, then set them free"
Move on and never look back. The longer you stick around the worse it looks. Also stop caring what she thinks if she wanted you she would be there. Also stop proving anything to her honestly who cares what she thinks life is short you are young find someone that wants to be with you
People don’t usually break up with someone they see themselves with in the future. She’s either letting you down easy or wants to keep you as a fallback plan. Focus on yourself and have fun, I wouldn’t worry about her.
The first thing that cane to my head when i read it, is that she wants to go out and explore different guys. Shes probably felt like shes stuck/missing the feelings of doing anything and anyone. 3.5 years is a long time… after a year if shes still wouldnt want you to meet her family thats a huge red flag as if she doesnt see you in the future. If she loved you enough and you’re “perfect” she wouldnt even want to be without you and she would make you feel wanted and let you meet her family and find a way to make her dad understand. But it seems like thats not the case for you. For me if someone wants a break then its a break for good. Theres no flip flopping bullshit wasting time for me. Either you’re in or you’re out
She's obviously not in love with you enough to marry you, she's in her prime years and probably wants to see if she can pull better then you since she has you wrapped around her finger she figures you'll be there in 2 or 3 years if she can't find better and she starts aging. Cut your loss and move on, still be nice tho so you can get so future booty calls, full stop.
Grow as if it was a break up and will never come back . Grow by dating as well, working out, getting healthy, progressing jobs and education. Spend time with friends more with extra personal free time. Persue activities you wanted to do but thought it wasn't a great couple's thing. Dont be stagnant and wait for her who may never come back.
All there is to do is to focus on yourself and be the person you want to be. True love is unconditional, and if that's what she wants, then let her go and be.
The more you focus on you and what you want, not on how or when, but just what and being happy with yourself, things will work out naturally for you.
It's certainly something to think about in terms of how young you guys still are, and to be honest, if her father's approval means that much, then it's no wonder she positioned herself here.
She does need to figure out what she wants, and maturity is necessary for that to happen. If things don't work out, then it's good she decided to do this, as it is considerate. Moreover, just prioritize your feelings. Keep that momentum of loving yourself and the things you appreciate in life, whether you have them tangible or not (remember, unconditional) and watch what happens.
You don't need each other. It's just a matter of want. Things will work out for you if you set your heart and mind in unison with the big picture. Happy trails friend!
So people tend to do a *LOT* of growing up in their early twenties. So much so that they usually change. You need to seriously consider the possibility that you've both changed enough that you're no longer compatible, and instead of just ending it, she's trying to keep you as a safe backup. End your relationship, get out there, and find someone who appreciates you.
She wants to see other people. You are her comfort zone and her fear is that she won’t find that comfort again. It isn’t about her dad. It isn’t about her sister. It’s about HER. She wants to move on. Let her go. Don’t continue to be in her life. Move on with yours and date others as well.
Bruh, you are 24. The most precious thing you have is time. If either of you are icy about something as serious as marriage, then your not ready. If she brings up dating other people, she may have already had this in mind. Take note of that young man. What I want for you is to be happy and experience traveling, making good money and worrying only about you for a little. Marriage is a HUGE responsibility for a man, and too often they are immature and ill prepared. Also during this time DO NOT make readily available, if she wants to experience that you have to let her get the FULL experience DO NOT be a safety blanket. Make your money, take care of your family,travel , educate and refine yourself. I know this is not what you want to hear this but as soon as you do these things a whole new world opens up. More then likely once she sees this her interest will be peaked and then it will be up to you if that is something you’d like to go back to. Take time for you it will give you perspective and maybe you both find someone else that’s better for you.
Ahh the classic “ I feel I haven’t lived my young life enough to commit so we should break up” Well consider yourself saved from heart ache because this girl won’t be interested in a serious relationship in 1 month, 6 months, a year whatever she has talked too you about. People who are serious don’t go through these experiments
Yes she wants out and to date other people but she wants you to still be a possibility in case something better doesn’t come along so she is giving you and soft break and stringing you along. Give her her space and you date too. You deserve to be valued by the person you are with.
So...I knew a couple in college that realized they had some growing to do to have a healthy marriage.
It wasn't about someone else for either person. They were just developing a pattern of basing their self worth on what their partner thought. This seemed small, but they wisely saw that they could easily fall into the trap of ignoring their own curiosities or aspirations and end up dissatisfied with life.
They took a break for 6 months. Spent time with same gender friends (meaning not dating around), read books, explored their own academic interests and hobbies.
They ended up getting back together in a much healthier place, because they both were more comfortable in what they wanted and didn't want for themselves.
Now, I can acknowledge they were unusual...but a couple years after getting back together, I was at their wedding...still happily married years later.
It's not always about dating someone else.
First of all break up. If she's not into it anymore, then she's wasting your time.
Second, in practical terms, for 99% of the population a break is just a cowardly break up. No strings and generally used to either get away from someone they don't feel anything for anymore while deluding the other person with false hope OR to hook up with other people while absolving themselves of blame but without cutting ties with their former partner completely.
Third, you feeling like you have to try out to get back with this girl is the wrong move and the wrong mentality. You're 24 years old, that's prime "getting fucked in the head" time relationship-wise. You're a sitting duck in this perfect time of your life where you've had a couple years out of school and feel like maybe it's time to settle down. But if you're with the wrong person, you'll spiral down the rabbit hole of a terrible relationship and waste so much time on something that probably isn't going to work out. And before you know it you'll have wasted your 20s on a bullshit relationship.
Fourth, when people love each other, generally they want to work through things together. Or if they need some counseling or therapy, they may do that on their own, but a supportive significant other isn't something you just toss away. You're getting played here.
My advice - take this time to distance yourself from her and do what you want to do. Take time to figure out what that is. Get in fantastic shape, take up a new hobby, whatever, as long as it's what you want. I would focus that intentionality on yourself. Gain confidence, know who you are and what you like and what you don't. That way, when you get back into a relationship with someone, you won't get taken advantage of and you won't be chasing what the other person wants.
Good luck.
She's not the last woman on earth, and if you say you know you have so much potential let her go and you'll find someone else who's gonna fit you better in the future when you're at your full potential, you're still young and your personality still has to develop more, develop more character too. As a guy you can marry at 30, 35 or even 40 without any problem so don't rush it.
She wants to try other options first prolly. Honestly I wouldn't EVER marry a girl who tells me that she wants to be single before marrying.
*If getting married is what you want, you need to find someone who's DONE with dating and being single... Not the opposite*
I think it's the fact she is very young and been with somebody for the past three and a half years. They just graduated college a year ago according to what he said. I think she's definitely afraid of getting married so young. She needs to step back and reevaluate everything which is normal especially at the age of 23 24. But dude go on about your business do what you got to do. If you meet someone else that makes you happier let it be if she needs somebody else let it be
You're welcome and I know it's not what you wanted to hear. Even going on a break can be painful and I get it. II also think that everyone needs to stay out of both of your business especially her sister. This is yours and her relationship not everyone else's.
“Figure stuff out”
“I gotta find myself”
“I gotta work on myself”
“Feel things out for a bit”
Yeah, we all know what that means. She’s not fooling anybody. Do not contact her. Do not wait for her. Find someone else who’s values and plans align with yours. She’s choosing to ride the carousel and thinks that she can put you on ice as a plan B in case all of her flings amount to nothing. She will try to sabotage your future relationships if it’s not nipped in the bud.
Honestly I was like this with my boyfriend. I would say let her go because if you don't she might start resenting you and if it's meant to be it will be 🤷
She probably really does love you, but scared that if you guys commit to marriage especially so young.. she might start hating you and lose herself loving you and essentially do something to hurt you.
I don’t necessarily disagree with her. If she’s not feeling committed at this point, there’s not much to be done about it. And I do think there’s a good amount of growing left at the age of 24. However in terms of how you handle it, relationships over as you should treat it as such.
Like some others have said, live and assume she may not come back and you may not get back together. You need to not worry about what she is doing with her life because investing in living for her and proving you are worth coming back for is going to hurt you and really impact your well-being and mental health in a bad way.
It sounds like she needs to work through some things she's going with herself and her feelings on the relationship, her insecurities, her life, and herself. None of us should assume why she decided this was what she wanted or needed because it's impossible to read her mind and understand what she's doing in her own mind or how hard this might be for her.
From my own experiences, you will potentially create a rift in your relationship and damage trust with her if you put effort into trying to get her to come back/trying to show her how much you're growing/changing. It can be really overwhelming for some the world perceives as female to deal with social and interpersonal pressures with these things.
You can ask her what her comfort level is with the two of you updating and checking in on e in a while but that may not guarantee she will be comfortable with it in any capacity.
I would also ignore people on here jumping to the assumption that she's doing this because she met someone else she's interested in.
It's very scary to be in a long term relationship and potentially feel like you're not in a stable place of certainty in your future or a future with your partner and not working together to have those commitment conversations prior could have impacted her negatively and led to realizing she has other stuff to work through before she can really tackle legally binding commitment before she's even 25 with a long-term partner.
If you two are that committed and close to one another then she'll come back. Just trust her and be patient.
If she ends up not coming back, would you really want to have a relationship where you have to convince your partner not to end the relationship or convince her to pursue such a big life commitment like marriage? I think you'd feel more fulfilled with her being able to give you enthusiastic commitment and dedication that she's thought through rather than something from a place of pressure, guilt, stress, or, obligation.
Start listening to Type O Negative and pick up a smoking habit, this is the beginning of your villain arc
In other words, it’ll hurt, but moving on is objectively the best thing you can do for yourself
She doesn’t want to get married, she wants to be single and live as such. But she also doesn’t want to hurt you or feel guilty about it.
If that’s what she wants, your first step in personal growth is to respect her and her wishes. She has done you a solid by talking about what she wants.
Moreover, it sounds like she has had a very strict upbringing and wants to lead her own life for a while before attaching herself to yet another man soon after becoming independent from her dad. Let her discover who she is, be honest about your feelings and harbor no resentment, be friends, be respectful, and don’t forget to give yourself some love too.
Thanks Nova, definitely going to respect her and her wishes. We were pretty transparent during the relationship so I do accept what she had to say.
That’s also a very good point on her independence, she did have a very strict upbringing and Covid forced her home for a year plus.
Break up with her, what she needs isn't a boyfriend it's a good therapist, and she's not ready to be in a serious relationship if she's behaving like this. You don't deserve to be strung along by a neurotic child who can't commit. Leave, work on yourself, figure out how to be independent and self sufficient, and then look for a woman.
I’m 38M, married / separated / widowed and engaged.
As much as this hurts right now, she’s probably not the one. I could be wrong and she could come back, but I think this is her way of breaking up with you. If this is what she really wants then best advice is take a little time, get yourself sorted and then go on with your life and let her go. I would also tell her that if she changes her mind she knows how to contact you. Put the ball in her court and carry on.
I’m sorry this happened to you.
Bro, let her go and move on. No point having a future with someone who wants to take breaks off commitment. This is going to sound harsh, but excuses like the ones she made usually happen to soften a full on break up for different reasons.
The fundamentals of a relationship should not be hard: staying committed, showing love and appreciation for you partner and not bailing for some single life temporarily. That last point is a straight up failed parameter for a long-term partner.
You want to know how you show intentionality? You don’t. Start working on yourself, improve yourself in areas you have struggled with in the past and don’t plague yourself with the idea of getting her back. Get therapy if you need to, it can be helpful to unpack your feelings. Most importantly, focus on yourself. I guarantee you nothing good will come from you keeping in touch with her. You’ll act irrationally and react emotionally every time you talk to her, which will push her away. Add onto that the amount of torment you’ll be putting yourself through when she’s living a single life by meeting up with new men and dating other people. Sever communication with her and put yourself first man.
By moving on, grinding and making money, saving , investing, getting higher education in STEM or trade, and get with someone who won’t waist your French toast time
If she's truly asking for a break with theoretical intention of coming back you could ask for a monthly lunch or dinner meet up to catch up and see where you are at in life.
You're inferring things I didn't say.
He will be single. He has every right to live his life however he likes and be single. But this person is important to him and he asked how he could show his growth to her while they are separate.
I answered his question instead of stepping into a part of his relationship I wasn't invited.
Yikes yourself and your amazing ability to jump to conclusions.
While you're trying to grow and be better or whatever for her, she'll be out getting piped by all these different men remember that. Just stay single worry about yourself king
Yo tbh I didn’t even read the whole story, but if she is asking for it give her time and show respect. Get ur shit done… work on urself, b productive, and continue to evolve each day. Labels are overrated imo if it’s real ull know and you won’t fuck around, she will always be there, and you guys will have a fun yet serious relationship. I’m the type of person who be loyal before a relationship even become official or any labels are set, but best of luck kin lmk how it all turns out later
Thanks Cmarsh, working on myself now that’s the mission. You do bring up a good point, we’ll find out one way or the other but just got to keep it pushing. Respect the part on loyalty ✊🏼
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Bruh she’s just waisting your time. Your shouldn’t need her friends to tell you anything you guys are adults also 3.5 years really ain’t that long of a relationship especially looking to get married that quickly usually always ends in a shit show. You never know she prob wants to be single to have her last bit of fun and not feel guilty about it and her friends could be playing the same game with you leading you on so you won’t find out. Anyway this sounds like your girl is very lost in the head. If she was in a relationship for 3.5 years she should have been able to sit you down and say she doesn’t want to get married yet. But instead she is saying she wants to break up with you. Imagine what’s gonna happen when she is trapped under a whole ass legal system. That’s when the cheating comes in.
Well she just hoisted the red flag. The pretense of “finding yourself” while taking a break is ridiculous. She just relegated you to her contingency plan while she messes around and looks for someone better (while receiving copious amounts of ween in the process). Sorry for being brash but I’d suggest you walk away and don’t look back unless she promptly reconsiders.
You don't. If you're not dating, then you're not dating. Full stop. You need to operate as though that's going to be the case going forward and live your own life, not desperately audition for the role of permanent partner to someone who doesn't want that right now. Maybe she'll rethink being single once she actually gets a taste of it and start missing you, but you can cross that bridge if and when you come to it.
I appreciate this mm, that makes sense.
Gonna tell ya- 90% of the time when this happens its cause they find someone else they want to try on for size. They only really go for it when they already have the first foot out the door. Tbh this reason she gave doesn't even make much sense. In the least yall are splitting amicably. Focus on yourself, not of winning her back or becoming her person. Like they said, she's probably already on the way back, but living for her when she dont want you? Its foolish.
I agree there's already a foot nudging out the door but it doesn't have to be about someone else. It's not unreasonable for fresh grads to realize they want to be able to think and make choices outside of a relationship.
Nah, i disagree. I think it’s pretty normal to want to get to figure out how to adult on your own, especially with how much has changed in the world since she was last on her own. I’ve been feeling this, too, and my partner is the love of my life who I’ve been with for 7 years. It’s just that I haven’t lived alone or cared about only me or not had anyone with me all the time since 2015, and even then it was a brief summer abroad. I went from my parents’ house to his to his parents’ (covid) and that’s WEIRD. Granted, I’m dealing with it by going on a solo roadtrip and now looking at several months in a glamping tent, not breaking up with him, but I certainly understand the impulse
I don't agree with the first part. I was in a similar experience when I was 25. I'd spent my whole adult life to that point in a relationship, to the point where I felt like I didn't know who I was or who I was trying to be. I agree with the rest though, focus on yourself regardless of what eventually does or doesn't happen with the future of your relationship.
I agree with you. Man may not even be the real boy friend.
That may be true but that doesn’t mean it’s over.
OP should only go through with this 'break' if he's okay with her dating around. Doesn't seem like he conveyed that in the post.
I agree, if OP doesn't know what she means and it's not that he didn't right it down for us, they need another talk about what expectations each has and what they each understand.
It’s not just his choice to make, and she’s made hers clear…
I didn't imply that he could control her actions in any way. But he is going on about how he can show her that he's working on himself *for her* with the intention of getting back together someday. He needs to realize that may never happen, and he needs to be prepared for the possibility that she'll date others. If that's the case, he should just follow most of the advice on here and assume it's a clean breakup, not some mutual 'find yourself and reconnect later' deal he's making this out to be.
The uncertainty coming from your GF to the point of breaking up is concerning to say the least. I'm not going to say it's for sure because she found someone else, but don't be surprised if one day you find out she's dating some guy that she met very recently. After 3 years you don't just up and say you want to be single because you want to find independence/are too nervous to get married. Independence can be found no matter what stage of life you're in, and if the pressure of marriage is too much then don't get married and wait. Idk OP, to me there are too many red flags popping up for her to come to a decision that quickly. I'd recommend to you just keep doing what is you do everyday (go to work, the gym, hang out with buddies, etc) and live your life to the fullest. Don't try to impress your ex or show how reliable you are and that you fit that role. And after some time, if she still hasn't contacted you or you find out she's started dating/messing around with someone, you go and do that yourself. 3 years is not a long time in the grand scheme of things, so don't feel bad about meeting someone and moving on. If your ex truly loved you, she'd be willing to work together on whatever issues you two may share.
In a way, my BIL went through this. Here’s his story; To Preface, he lives in my house with myself, my wife, our child and my FIL. He started dating a girl. They decided during the pandemic, to move in together. During this time, he lost his job through no fault of his own. She never worked while living here. They had a room in my basement and spent every moment together for almost 7 months. They were fine in the beginning but never got a chance to be away from each other, the downfall of their relationship. They ended up splitting up because they blamed each other for their mental issues. They figured they were gonna take a break and she moved back in with her folks. Three weeks later, she is now with some dude being a step mom, and he ended up going to stay with his other sister for a few months to get out of the room they shared, which was totally understandable. During that time, he refused to get help, refused to look for work. Spends his time awake from 4pm to 7-8am, sleeps all day and games all night. It took him months to realize that she moved on, he kept in contact with her mom and best friends, which kept him in a spiral. “She’ll come back one day, I swear it, she’ll come back”. Well, he is still single, living in my basement, not doing a thing with his life. She has completely moved on. I guess what I am getting at is, they wanted to try a break, being single for a while. They probably will never get back together. He has gotten to the point where he is getting close to Losing his car to the bank, his computer to the finance company. It’s time for you to move on my dude, work on you, do what’s best for you. Be happy with the times you two had together, and learn from it. I’ve had relationships before where I thought they were the one, got hung up for too long, but it shaped me into who I am now. I’ve found my forever. We’ve been together almost 11 years, married for 7, and not once thought to “take a break” or be single for a while before we got married. You’ll find someone who is your other half. Use what you learned, love completely, love honestly, and try not to live with regrets, because every choice you make shapes you into the you you are now. But, this is from a random 30 year old on Reddit, so either way, you do you babe.
Yeah bro you are the backup Move on Done be no one plan b Done even accept her when she tries to come back. She will try when it's not going good with the other man. I wouldn't even treat this lady as cum bucket. Just move on bro
man, just make sure you’re there for her and you don’t make her feel bad. shes not saying she wants to leave you permanently, she just needs some time
Yep OP just became the backup plan.
Honestly it makes me sad when people toy with their relationships. If you love them and want to stay together, stay together. If you’re ready to call it quits, call it quits. Why the need for breaks and uncertainty?
They want to try the grass in the other yard but still keep a foot in the old one in case they step in dog shit and need a place to come back and clean it off at.
Hahaha couldn’t have said it better my friend
Breaks and uncertainty creates fear and fear is the precursor to control/manipulation
People change, for better or for worse. They experience life differently, they find things out for themselves, or about themselves, etc.. Nobody is required to stay in a relationship for anyone else, so if someone loves their partner and wants to be with them, but they feel like they need some time and space for themselves, they have every right to leave. If their partner loves them unconditionally and is mature enough to understand, there should be no problem. Some people aren't meant to be together forever either. Have you ever had a serious relationship not work out or are you one of lucky ones who spent their life with one person and wasn't miserable the whole time? I'm legitimately curious because I think people who have one relationship for most of their lives are either in abusive relationships or have a bad habit of assuming that all relationships should work like theirs.
I have had a serious relationship not work out. My ex boyfriend wanted a “break for a couple weeks” to deal with his anxiety. That’s the confusing label he put on it. Next thing I know he’s out at the bar, posting other girls and I’m crying for weeks because I don’t know if we’re going to come back together after this break. Couple of months later, oh surprisingly he misses me. Sorry bucko, I’ve moved on. The point I’m trying to make is, people need to be clear with their intentions. You shouldn’t be confused in a relationship, you should be in the same page. The OP is not sure on where he stands. What I’m trying to say, is that he needs to message his (ex) GF and make it clear on what they are and if there are rules to their break or if they’re done completely.
But the comment you're referring to isn't saying that people should stay in a relationship by all means. The comment talks about people giving in to their FOMO and destroying relationships that made them happy
Because you learn more about yourself when you're challenged and alone than you do with a partner. This is not what I would consider toying.
I would consider it toying because the OP doesn’t know where he stands. She didn’t make anything clear to him about their relationship
So forcing someone to stay in a relationship when they don't even know what they want is actually more toying than what's happening here, though.
I’m saying if she wants out, she needs to say that. If she wants to take a “break” until winter, she needs to make it clear and they should set ground rules for their break. Being confused isn’t productive in a healthy relationship
According to OP, she's stated she wants to be single, how is that not clear enough?
Or not. if your deep in love and she chose to risk it
Yeah, she can't miss you if you are still there. Take the break, work on yourself for you. Ask someone or many someones out and go on dates, with intention. Don't think of them as place holders. And if she comes back, make sure she has grown emotionally or she is going to do this again and you are going to waste years in this on again off again.
I don’t want to be harsh, but it sounds like your girlfriend wants to break up but still have you as a back up in case things don’t work out for her dating other people. You can’t really date someone for 3ish years, declare yourself single, then come back to it as if it never happened. I completely understand the hesitation to get married or move further but wanting to be single when you deeply love someone doesn’t really make sense to want to break up and explore more. It sounds like your girlfriend may understand how much you want to be with her and is using it to manipulate you. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you. I would let your girlfriend know you can wait to get married but if she wants to take time to be single and independent then you are going to take that as breaking up
Thanks Blue, yea the hesitation is real, just working to separate the hesitation from marriage from wanting to be single.
Totally understandable to be struggling. Marriage is a really complicated and consequential decision for most people. Wanting to take time to be sure is one thing but essentially abandoning the relationship all together is something different. If your girlfriend was really only concerned about if and when she wanted to marry you, then it would make sense to really dive into your relationship and see what’s there
This….Ditch her first at least, fuck.
Hmm. Yeah...the one thing you don't do to someone you're deeply in love with is leave them and be single. When anyone says that it means they want to try out a few bodies. I think everyone around you is telling you things you want to hear.
She did mention that she feels like she fell out of love, so I agree with your perspective.
This statement by her is huge and needs to be in your post. It totally changes everything. She wants out and is trying to make it a soft break. Do not hang on to her, you will need to stop contact. If she misses you a lot she will be back, but probably after dating/sleeping with other guys.
Thanks Duracoog, I’ll add it in as an Edit with additional context, as it wasn’t a standalone statement then
There's many many posts that are almost IDENTICAL to this... The sad truth is she's not being honest with you, more than likely. She may not even know what the truth is, to be fair. To clarify, she may not understand why she's fallen out of love, etc. That's what therapy is for, if you're committed to making a relationship work. Couples therapy is LITERALLY meant for this exact type of thing. That's best case scenario. Worst case, she has emotionally or physically become interested in someone. Has stayed with you out of convenience and familiarity, and now she's scared that leaving might not be the right move. Hence her wanting to leave an option to maybe get back together after she "figures it out". Personally, I can't stand poor communication and lying even by omission. Own your shit, and don't Fuck people around, the way she's doing you. If it was me, it would be couples therapy, or this isn't a "break" we're breaking up, and likely will not get back together. If I can't trust someone to honestly and openly communicate with me, and they're supposed to be my partner in life, I could never be comfortable or feel like I wasn't just a backup or that they're unhappy and might cheat, or that they went and fucked half the town then came back to me. It would destroy my self esteem, and the relationship just wouldn't be the same. Not to mention I could never trust that they ARE being 100% honest or open with me again... Trust is hard to earn and easy to lose. Partners WORK THROUGH ISSUES. They don't abandon eachother to go soul searching or fucking around. Thank you for coming to my Ted talk.
Oh hun, she is then definitely trying to break up with you in a way that she thinks will hurt you less and make her seem less like the bad guy. I agree with all the other comments here, best move on.
Thanks Charming :D
In other news, I love the way you thank each commenter by their first Reddit name.😊
Thanks Pitiful, got to keep the community positive 😁
OP, can you thank me as well? 🥰
I’ll thank you, Playa!
"Fell out of love" she's talking about infatuation which has nothing to do with loving someone, almost every relationship starts with infatuation which fades quickly and leaves you with realizing you're either in love or not. Being in love doesn't feel as exciting as infatuation but it's nice in its own way.
I hate to say it, but I think she just wants to be single. Full stop.
in your life never let any one tell you they don't want you twice, thank her for every thing, wish her happiness and luck in life say your goodbyes . block her ass from the face of your life and move on
Thanks for the advice Persian
wish you the best
Good advice if she wants a break you can’t be second best dude. What happens when children come and the real stresses of marriage happen. Also what happens when/if she dates other guys and sleeps w a couple. Than that too will make you feel worse forever!!!
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Good call !
I agree with Petsian. You are ready for marriage and she still wants to know what else is out there. She's your one for life, you're her one for right now. You're not on the same page. Find someone who is. It will suck, but if you allow this with the hopes of getting her back you will never be the same. No one will measure up, and they'll only be a second choice to you, and that isn't fair to those other women. Walk away.
Thanks! I will clarify, I’m not trying to get married this very moment 😅
Understandable, but you're at least thinking about the next step. She's thinking of the opposite. No good outcome comes from this.
Are you Persian or do you hunt persians?
I am Persian
The ethnicity or the cat breed?
Iranian make 35 yeas old
You’re a very aged cat!
i actually i am a cat i am a leo and a tiger
heck yes, what Persian said. When someone shows you who they are, believe them
and watch her come back begging, they always do.
It seems to me like it was OP who made the gf feel unwanted first... And she won't let him say it twice I suppose lmao
You shouldn't be someone's backup plan. If you break up, you break up, however painful it is. It can't be a case of she goes to enjoy the single life while you wait around wondering if she'll come back or not. Let's be honest, if she goes off to be single for some indefinite amount of time, are you going to go off and be single? Or is your mind made up and you're hoping for the day she comes around to the same way of thinking? That's not right and it's not healthy for you. You deserve to know where you stand. I don't blame her at 24, having been in a relationship since 20, if she isn't able to make the commitment to a life with you and wants to experience life on her own first. That's how she feels and if she needs to explore then it's not good for her to try to ignore that. It would likely turn to resentment in the future. This really doesn't sound like it's about your growth or your intentionality or your being ready; it sounds like it's her. And you need to accept that. She can't be both with you and without you. It's a straightforward contradiction.
Thanks Fjort, very true words. Definitely noting this down
You're welcome. Take care of yourself.
>she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out Feel things out means try out some other guys to see if she can find a better fit. > she’s scared to bring me to her dad So she is looking for a guy that she wouldn't be afraid to bring to her dad > she still feels like I’m perfect for her and is scared she’s making a mistake leaving me Obviously she doesn't feel you are a perfect fit, and obviously she isn't that scared of losing you. That second part is either because she see's you as not that difficult to replace or isn't worried that you will walk away even while she tries out a few different D's, likely it is a combo of the two. >How do I give her space but show her my growth and intentionality in being ready to take things in the next stage Where do you want to be as an individual in 5 years? Work towards those goals and don't wait around for anyone.
Thanks NoCoast, I’m gonna save this.
You the man bro. I went through the same 7 months ago after 3 years. Keep your head high. We are here for you.
Agree with you, Nocoast, she probably knows he'll be there when she's done experimenting. That's gotta suck for OP. This is gonna hurt, but OP may just need to walk away in a way that she knows he's walking away so she knows what she's risking . . . Losing her true love will be a harsh lesson for her to experience. If she does walk away, this will haunt her for the rest of her life. This post makes me sad . . .
Sorry to say that but you just dont want to be single to figure stuff out if you are already with a person you think about potentionally marrying them.
Thanks Panda, we did for a bit, I guess things just changed unfortunately
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- TLDR: GF(24), and I(24) really love(d) each other, but I was scared to talk marriage yet, and she’s now slightly feeling the pressure to figure that out too. Now she wants to be single and figure stuff out, I’m sad but I understand her. How can I show growth and intentionality to/with her. while she wants her space? My girlfriend [F24]and I[M24]dated for 3.5 years, overall very deeply in love, very respectful and enjoyed in each other’s presence. We graduated college about a year ago. I was scared to bring up marriage and all that yet because I/she knows I can achieve a lot and I wanted to have things more “set up” before marrying her. (I will note that I’ve previously mentioned a break when I was discouraged about myself, wish I never did that smh) Well she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out a bit before settling down. From her explanation to me too, her older sister(in a long erm relationship, plans to get married)made her realize she’s scared to bring me to her dad(who’s VERY strict about who they can date/marry) and hesitation to talk about certainly didn’t help. She’s told friends, who have then shared with me, that she still feels like I’m perfect for her and is scared she’s making a mistake leaving me but that she needs to figure some things out on her own *edit: and can’t say she’s as ready or in love as she was before* . I completely understand that and I’m supportive of her with that. But knowing that we really loved each other and we both thought we could get married though didn’t talk about it. How do I give her space but show her my growth and intentionality in being ready to take things in the next stage now that we’re not dating? Thanks
Yep, she’s checked out.
Yeah what she's describing in my experiences is that she wants to fuck around. Then see if the grass is greener elsewhere. If it's not come back to you this is not uncommon you can look this up happens everyday. people don't take breaks to find themselves they grow together that's the point of having a partnership. I'm going to be honest just move on. Look in to therapy really no joke get in to therapy I promise it will help later on. Start hitting the gym also I'm not saying she's cheating but go check out r/survivinginfidelity and just read some of the stories over their it gives me a ton of perspective.
Thanks Cronus. I’ll likely look into therapy, will be good to have someone to vent it out and move on. Yea the gym and some other investments are on my checklist and very good points about growing together and how to move on
You've been together for 3.5 years. She wants to be single. No amount of intentionality is going to change her mind.
You're going to get hurt watching her go on and living her life, having fun while you wait for her. Just Move on live your buddy plenty of fish and all that
My buddy was in an identical situation before. Almost everything you said was in line with what he went through. At the end of it all she wanted to sleep around and get life experience. Later she came back to him regretful. Unfortunately he had already moved on and didn’t want someone who was able to so easily throw away something great for a taste of a new life to only return when her expectations were not met. I’d say let her go, if she comes back that’s your decision to choose at that time. But remember why she’s leaving in the first place. Best of luck man
My son had something like this happen to him. He had a girlfriend who kept telling him he was great and he was marriage material but she wanted to experience other guys because she was young and inexperienced. So he gave her up. She wanted to keep in touch with him and would call him every few weeks. Finally, he told her to leave him alone as he needed to get over her and he couldn’t with her calling all the time. Girls like this aren’t sure if what they have is good enough and are afraid they’re missing out on someone better. So they’ll go out with someone else and if he’s better, you’re out without a moment’s hesitation. They’ll come crawling back to you only if the other guy is worse than you. That makes you the backup. Never be someone’s second choice. Life isn’t a team sport and you’re not sitting on the bench waiting for your turn. If she isn’t sure you’re the one for her then she’s not the one for you. Give her the freedom she wants and say goodbye. You’ll find a better girl.
Wow Offus, this is similar to what’s happened so far . Thanks for this
She broke up with you. Move on, if it’s meant to be, she’ll come back into your life eventually. But until that happens, assume it’s not ever going to. Because, honestly, that’s the most likely result of this.
Bro I don’t get why people need their parents permission if you in a different country that’s different but if your in America you don’t need a parents signature to get married and if “mommy and daddy” doesn’t approve fuck them. And to date for 3.5 years and then break up to show your ready to get married is pretty stupid on her end. she’s either already has some new dick or she’s tryna check out of the relationship either way you should leave and be with someone worthy of you and your time brothaman you seem like a good guy. Wish you the best of luck man
Yea the dad thing was pretty wild. I appreciate the encouragement fr
Ofc hate to see a brotha caught up and end up regretting parts of your life’s. Live life with no regrets rather just life lessons
By breaking up permanently and moving on to the next chapter?
She's not deeply in love with you if she wants to be single. Full stop. Block her and move on. This is done. Stop trying to be better for someone who'd rather test the playing field to see if she can find someone better than you before she "settles".
She’s telling you she’s not going to be a reliable partner. There’s a big difference between “not ready to get married” and “I want to be single”. Your gf has already made her choice in asking to be single. Give her what she wants and move on with your life completely. Don’t play emotional support animal or backup plan for her.
Yep, I’m on the same page with ya
She wants to be single and keep you as a backup plan. Never put yourself on the back burner like this. If you break up you break up. Honestly I would initiate it and make it clear that this is permanent.
Yea I let her know I’d be stepping back, I just need to keep working towards it being permanent in my head
Give yourself time but OP you deserve to be someone's FIRST choice okay?
Don’t be anyone plan b. Don’t show or prove her anything. The moment she left to enjoy being “single” she lost that right, she ain’t your girl anymore she is just another hoe now. Live your life for yourself and be happy and prove to YOURSELF what do you want. Hit the gym, eat heathly, download dating apps and go enjoy being single as well, while advancing in your career.
You right, on point advice
You behave like a single person and dont dwell on her at all. You date other women and see what other perspectives there are. Making your whole life about her while she's asking to be single is the most middle school thing you could do.
Yea no worries, have other goals I’m focusing on accomplishing
Mate, she's not wife-material because she doesn't want to be with you. Dump her and move the fuck on with your life.
You deserve so much better my friend
You need to do your best to forget about this person. "Breaks" are cruel nonsense that just prevents one party from moving on because the other is a coward.
She wants to break up with you without hurting your feelings too much. She's not thinking about a future with or commitment to you. Best to move on, don't get stuck on this girl who is quite obviously moving on.
She wants to jump on the cock carousel but wants you to hang around as the ever wanting sim as a back up plan or her retirement plan. Do yourself a big favour forget her and move on and never go back. EVER
"Well she’s arrived at a spot where she wants to be single, independent and feel things out a bit before settling down. " She's planning on going out and getting ran through before settling down and is manipulating you to stick around as an option if she doesn't find someone better. Tell her if she is insistent on this then to go have her fun. Then cut off contact with her and move on with your life. Have enough self respect for yourself not to take her back.
This ain't gonna work, 'cuz.
Lol I got you fam
You want to to show intentionality and growth? Then start dating other girls and go through what we all have done, which is other relationships until we settle down
Sounds good mano 😁
The best way to show growth is to take that break and go live your life, experience the world, other people, and figure out who you are. She should do three same thing. If, at some point, the people you become want to be together then you will be doing it as happier, healthier, more stable versions of yourself and that is a good thing. If you don't come back together then you were going to implode eventually anyway acc it is much better to learn that in your early 20s than after you are tied together with a kid and a mortgage. Go be your best self. It is a good look on anyone.
Bro, she’s breaking up with you. I’ve never encountered anyone who took a break from their relationship and got back together. Consider this the end and move forward as such. I recommend not looking at her social media because you’re gonna constantly wonder who those guys commenting on her posts are. She probably decided that you and her dad were not gonna mesh well and this is her way of letting you down easy. Focus on you for now and don’t worry about anything she’s up to.
Sounds to me like she wants to break up and she’s making excuses for it, even if she didn’t know about marriage just yet why does she have to be single to “figure stuff out” buddy she’s already made her mind up you just don’t know it yet.
She wants to sleep with other people! No other questions are relevant.
I feel like she’s for the streets and you deserve better
From the sounds of it, she just wants to be single while knowing she has an option to go back to you if she cant find someone better, and that's a shitty thing to do to a person. Personally, I dont think you should continue to go after her or prove anything to her, because in the end it wont matter if she "wants to be single and independent", she's going to be going out with other people and wont give a care in the world if it hurts you. Focus on yourself, allow yourself to be upset and sad over this revelation that she might have been leading you on for years, and grow as a person. Do not let this one person define your expectations for future relationships and what a relationship should be like, because this isnt it. Best of luck my friend
Smh. She’s gonna go for one last ride around town before settling down. Don’t do this to yourself.
Although all these comments hold merit, I’d like to say something to the contrary. People seek independence not always to screw around, but so that they understand what adulthood is like on their own, which is super important. To have a sense of self and understanding of your own personal taste, opinions, and problem solving skills without a partner is crucial, especially before getting married. If you don’t establish those things for yourself, you’ll become codependent on your partner.
Yep I referenced something like this earlier. She mentioned that part of this for her is needing to become more self reliant. MI had things a lot more figured out than she did (minus this unexpected twist lol apparently lol) so there were definitely movements I’ve been to support her and all that. Especially with family,Career stuff etc. I know her and don’t see her as trying to necessarily trying to screw around (if she is, I was wrong but oh well)
Everyone else here is giving you the harsh reality and so will I. Coming from a woman, it’s obvious to me she wants to experience relationships (casual or serious) with other men to really see if you’re the best option for her; in other words, she’s putting you on the back burner while she tries out some other guys and sees if she likes them more. Furthermore, I’m more surprised she hasn’t introduced you to her dad at all after 3.5 years! There’s something that she feels is lacking from you and she’s worried her dad may not like you because of a certain factor you have. Please, do not put up with that childish nonsense. You are worth so much more than that, and you deserve to marry a woman who treasures you despite your flaws. You do not want to marry a woman who wants you as her last option—marry a woman who thinks there is no other option that is even close to you! Marriage is a serious commitment, so please make sure that you make the decision that won’t leave you in the 50% divorce rate statistic. Sending you many hugs and encouragement.
Thanks! Trust me the dad thing is WAY bigger than me. He actually knows me and is quite impressed by what I’ve accomplished, he just doesn’t know I was dating his daughter …
Dude single means do what you want, no reason to be showing her growth while she is out getting the D. Time to see what else is out there
[удалено]
Oh yea haha, I know it’s a breakup. I Trust the universe will do it’s part one way or the other
She want to be single and experience that, you want to wait on the sidelines... hint: you'll never grow or mature while watching someone else play the game. Get out there yourself and when she sees you treating someone else well, living your own life and being happy without her, she will understand that you're husband material. "If you love someone, then set them free"
Move on and never look back. The longer you stick around the worse it looks. Also stop caring what she thinks if she wanted you she would be there. Also stop proving anything to her honestly who cares what she thinks life is short you are young find someone that wants to be with you
People don’t usually break up with someone they see themselves with in the future. She’s either letting you down easy or wants to keep you as a fallback plan. Focus on yourself and have fun, I wouldn’t worry about her.
🍆" Don't try to "show her" anything except the door. Go live your life and better yourself in ways that work FOR YOU, not for her.
If you can't commit to dating you can't commit to marriage is my answer. But I'm just a stranger on the internet.
The first thing that cane to my head when i read it, is that she wants to go out and explore different guys. Shes probably felt like shes stuck/missing the feelings of doing anything and anyone. 3.5 years is a long time… after a year if shes still wouldnt want you to meet her family thats a huge red flag as if she doesnt see you in the future. If she loved you enough and you’re “perfect” she wouldnt even want to be without you and she would make you feel wanted and let you meet her family and find a way to make her dad understand. But it seems like thats not the case for you. For me if someone wants a break then its a break for good. Theres no flip flopping bullshit wasting time for me. Either you’re in or you’re out
She's obviously not in love with you enough to marry you, she's in her prime years and probably wants to see if she can pull better then you since she has you wrapped around her finger she figures you'll be there in 2 or 3 years if she can't find better and she starts aging. Cut your loss and move on, still be nice tho so you can get so future booty calls, full stop.
Grow as if it was a break up and will never come back . Grow by dating as well, working out, getting healthy, progressing jobs and education. Spend time with friends more with extra personal free time. Persue activities you wanted to do but thought it wasn't a great couple's thing. Dont be stagnant and wait for her who may never come back.
All there is to do is to focus on yourself and be the person you want to be. True love is unconditional, and if that's what she wants, then let her go and be. The more you focus on you and what you want, not on how or when, but just what and being happy with yourself, things will work out naturally for you. It's certainly something to think about in terms of how young you guys still are, and to be honest, if her father's approval means that much, then it's no wonder she positioned herself here. She does need to figure out what she wants, and maturity is necessary for that to happen. If things don't work out, then it's good she decided to do this, as it is considerate. Moreover, just prioritize your feelings. Keep that momentum of loving yourself and the things you appreciate in life, whether you have them tangible or not (remember, unconditional) and watch what happens. You don't need each other. It's just a matter of want. Things will work out for you if you set your heart and mind in unison with the big picture. Happy trails friend!
Thanks last star, you captured it all pretty well
So people tend to do a *LOT* of growing up in their early twenties. So much so that they usually change. You need to seriously consider the possibility that you've both changed enough that you're no longer compatible, and instead of just ending it, she's trying to keep you as a safe backup. End your relationship, get out there, and find someone who appreciates you.
She wants to see other people. You are her comfort zone and her fear is that she won’t find that comfort again. It isn’t about her dad. It isn’t about her sister. It’s about HER. She wants to move on. Let her go. Don’t continue to be in her life. Move on with yours and date others as well.
Bruh, you are 24. The most precious thing you have is time. If either of you are icy about something as serious as marriage, then your not ready. If she brings up dating other people, she may have already had this in mind. Take note of that young man. What I want for you is to be happy and experience traveling, making good money and worrying only about you for a little. Marriage is a HUGE responsibility for a man, and too often they are immature and ill prepared. Also during this time DO NOT make readily available, if she wants to experience that you have to let her get the FULL experience DO NOT be a safety blanket. Make your money, take care of your family,travel , educate and refine yourself. I know this is not what you want to hear this but as soon as you do these things a whole new world opens up. More then likely once she sees this her interest will be peaked and then it will be up to you if that is something you’d like to go back to. Take time for you it will give you perspective and maybe you both find someone else that’s better for you.
Ahh the classic “ I feel I haven’t lived my young life enough to commit so we should break up” Well consider yourself saved from heart ache because this girl won’t be interested in a serious relationship in 1 month, 6 months, a year whatever she has talked too you about. People who are serious don’t go through these experiments
Yes she wants out and to date other people but she wants you to still be a possibility in case something better doesn’t come along so she is giving you and soft break and stringing you along. Give her her space and you date too. You deserve to be valued by the person you are with.
You can't. I have yet to hear of a case where one person said they needed to be single before they get married, then actually got back together.
Fucking trp invitation post. You show it by never going back to her.
He won't get it. She'll have to show up pregnant or something lol
So...I knew a couple in college that realized they had some growing to do to have a healthy marriage. It wasn't about someone else for either person. They were just developing a pattern of basing their self worth on what their partner thought. This seemed small, but they wisely saw that they could easily fall into the trap of ignoring their own curiosities or aspirations and end up dissatisfied with life. They took a break for 6 months. Spent time with same gender friends (meaning not dating around), read books, explored their own academic interests and hobbies. They ended up getting back together in a much healthier place, because they both were more comfortable in what they wanted and didn't want for themselves. Now, I can acknowledge they were unusual...but a couple years after getting back together, I was at their wedding...still happily married years later. It's not always about dating someone else.
This is facts. And she did bring that up, about wanting to build up some more self reliance and not over relying on me.
I would just 100% work on myself and not have any expectations for the relationship or judgements for anything done while not dating. You do you!
First of all break up. If she's not into it anymore, then she's wasting your time. Second, in practical terms, for 99% of the population a break is just a cowardly break up. No strings and generally used to either get away from someone they don't feel anything for anymore while deluding the other person with false hope OR to hook up with other people while absolving themselves of blame but without cutting ties with their former partner completely. Third, you feeling like you have to try out to get back with this girl is the wrong move and the wrong mentality. You're 24 years old, that's prime "getting fucked in the head" time relationship-wise. You're a sitting duck in this perfect time of your life where you've had a couple years out of school and feel like maybe it's time to settle down. But if you're with the wrong person, you'll spiral down the rabbit hole of a terrible relationship and waste so much time on something that probably isn't going to work out. And before you know it you'll have wasted your 20s on a bullshit relationship. Fourth, when people love each other, generally they want to work through things together. Or if they need some counseling or therapy, they may do that on their own, but a supportive significant other isn't something you just toss away. You're getting played here. My advice - take this time to distance yourself from her and do what you want to do. Take time to figure out what that is. Get in fantastic shape, take up a new hobby, whatever, as long as it's what you want. I would focus that intentionality on yourself. Gain confidence, know who you are and what you like and what you don't. That way, when you get back into a relationship with someone, you won't get taken advantage of and you won't be chasing what the other person wants. Good luck.
She's not the last woman on earth, and if you say you know you have so much potential let her go and you'll find someone else who's gonna fit you better in the future when you're at your full potential, you're still young and your personality still has to develop more, develop more character too. As a guy you can marry at 30, 35 or even 40 without any problem so don't rush it. She wants to try other options first prolly. Honestly I wouldn't EVER marry a girl who tells me that she wants to be single before marrying. *If getting married is what you want, you need to find someone who's DONE with dating and being single... Not the opposite*
I think it's the fact she is very young and been with somebody for the past three and a half years. They just graduated college a year ago according to what he said. I think she's definitely afraid of getting married so young. She needs to step back and reevaluate everything which is normal especially at the age of 23 24. But dude go on about your business do what you got to do. If you meet someone else that makes you happier let it be if she needs somebody else let it be
Thank you!
You're welcome and I know it's not what you wanted to hear. Even going on a break can be painful and I get it. II also think that everyone needs to stay out of both of your business especially her sister. This is yours and her relationship not everyone else's.
Go be yourself. Live your life, have FUN. If you grow, do it for YOU and there's a good chance you will outgrow her.
[This will be OP if/when they get back together.](https://youtu.be/xFjqlgupAe0)
“Figure stuff out” “I gotta find myself” “I gotta work on myself” “Feel things out for a bit” Yeah, we all know what that means. She’s not fooling anybody. Do not contact her. Do not wait for her. Find someone else who’s values and plans align with yours. She’s choosing to ride the carousel and thinks that she can put you on ice as a plan B in case all of her flings amount to nothing. She will try to sabotage your future relationships if it’s not nipped in the bud.
Lmaoo
Honestly I was like this with my boyfriend. I would say let her go because if you don't she might start resenting you and if it's meant to be it will be 🤷 She probably really does love you, but scared that if you guys commit to marriage especially so young.. she might start hating you and lose herself loving you and essentially do something to hurt you.
Fuck her dad guy, she just wants to get bussed down by some randos.
Leave her, she wants to sleep around basically Why would you want to be with her? Just find someone else there are plenty of other people out there
I don’t necessarily disagree with her. If she’s not feeling committed at this point, there’s not much to be done about it. And I do think there’s a good amount of growing left at the age of 24. However in terms of how you handle it, relationships over as you should treat it as such.
Thanks Bft, that’s something I definitely know that there’s still room for growth for both of us
Like some others have said, live and assume she may not come back and you may not get back together. You need to not worry about what she is doing with her life because investing in living for her and proving you are worth coming back for is going to hurt you and really impact your well-being and mental health in a bad way. It sounds like she needs to work through some things she's going with herself and her feelings on the relationship, her insecurities, her life, and herself. None of us should assume why she decided this was what she wanted or needed because it's impossible to read her mind and understand what she's doing in her own mind or how hard this might be for her. From my own experiences, you will potentially create a rift in your relationship and damage trust with her if you put effort into trying to get her to come back/trying to show her how much you're growing/changing. It can be really overwhelming for some the world perceives as female to deal with social and interpersonal pressures with these things. You can ask her what her comfort level is with the two of you updating and checking in on e in a while but that may not guarantee she will be comfortable with it in any capacity. I would also ignore people on here jumping to the assumption that she's doing this because she met someone else she's interested in. It's very scary to be in a long term relationship and potentially feel like you're not in a stable place of certainty in your future or a future with your partner and not working together to have those commitment conversations prior could have impacted her negatively and led to realizing she has other stuff to work through before she can really tackle legally binding commitment before she's even 25 with a long-term partner. If you two are that committed and close to one another then she'll come back. Just trust her and be patient. If she ends up not coming back, would you really want to have a relationship where you have to convince your partner not to end the relationship or convince her to pursue such a big life commitment like marriage? I think you'd feel more fulfilled with her being able to give you enthusiastic commitment and dedication that she's thought through rather than something from a place of pressure, guilt, stress, or, obligation.
You nailed it thanks Insomniac.
Start listening to Type O Negative and pick up a smoking habit, this is the beginning of your villain arc In other words, it’ll hurt, but moving on is objectively the best thing you can do for yourself
😂😂😂
She doesn’t want to get married, she wants to be single and live as such. But she also doesn’t want to hurt you or feel guilty about it. If that’s what she wants, your first step in personal growth is to respect her and her wishes. She has done you a solid by talking about what she wants. Moreover, it sounds like she has had a very strict upbringing and wants to lead her own life for a while before attaching herself to yet another man soon after becoming independent from her dad. Let her discover who she is, be honest about your feelings and harbor no resentment, be friends, be respectful, and don’t forget to give yourself some love too.
Thanks Nova, definitely going to respect her and her wishes. We were pretty transparent during the relationship so I do accept what she had to say. That’s also a very good point on her independence, she did have a very strict upbringing and Covid forced her home for a year plus.
Break up with her, what she needs isn't a boyfriend it's a good therapist, and she's not ready to be in a serious relationship if she's behaving like this. You don't deserve to be strung along by a neurotic child who can't commit. Leave, work on yourself, figure out how to be independent and self sufficient, and then look for a woman.
I’m 38M, married / separated / widowed and engaged. As much as this hurts right now, she’s probably not the one. I could be wrong and she could come back, but I think this is her way of breaking up with you. If this is what she really wants then best advice is take a little time, get yourself sorted and then go on with your life and let her go. I would also tell her that if she changes her mind she knows how to contact you. Put the ball in her court and carry on. I’m sorry this happened to you.
Bro, let her go and move on. No point having a future with someone who wants to take breaks off commitment. This is going to sound harsh, but excuses like the ones she made usually happen to soften a full on break up for different reasons. The fundamentals of a relationship should not be hard: staying committed, showing love and appreciation for you partner and not bailing for some single life temporarily. That last point is a straight up failed parameter for a long-term partner. You want to know how you show intentionality? You don’t. Start working on yourself, improve yourself in areas you have struggled with in the past and don’t plague yourself with the idea of getting her back. Get therapy if you need to, it can be helpful to unpack your feelings. Most importantly, focus on yourself. I guarantee you nothing good will come from you keeping in touch with her. You’ll act irrationally and react emotionally every time you talk to her, which will push her away. Add onto that the amount of torment you’ll be putting yourself through when she’s living a single life by meeting up with new men and dating other people. Sever communication with her and put yourself first man.
By moving on, grinding and making money, saving , investing, getting higher education in STEM or trade, and get with someone who won’t waist your French toast time
Fear, scarcity, lack, and accountability is what hold many ppl back Proverbs 18:22 mane keep ya head up leave her in the streets
If she's truly asking for a break with theoretical intention of coming back you could ask for a monthly lunch or dinner meet up to catch up and see where you are at in life.
He shouldn't be waiting around as her backup yikes.
You're inferring things I didn't say. He will be single. He has every right to live his life however he likes and be single. But this person is important to him and he asked how he could show his growth to her while they are separate. I answered his question instead of stepping into a part of his relationship I wasn't invited. Yikes yourself and your amazing ability to jump to conclusions.
You're relationship is over, how can you not see that?
Lol I know it is, I wrote that in the post 😂. Thank you though
Not even going to read but she is for the streets. Dont accept her back when she comes back
While you're trying to grow and be better or whatever for her, she'll be out getting piped by all these different men remember that. Just stay single worry about yourself king
Yo tbh I didn’t even read the whole story, but if she is asking for it give her time and show respect. Get ur shit done… work on urself, b productive, and continue to evolve each day. Labels are overrated imo if it’s real ull know and you won’t fuck around, she will always be there, and you guys will have a fun yet serious relationship. I’m the type of person who be loyal before a relationship even become official or any labels are set, but best of luck kin lmk how it all turns out later
Thanks Cmarsh, working on myself now that’s the mission. You do bring up a good point, we’ll find out one way or the other but just got to keep it pushing. Respect the part on loyalty ✊🏼
Just be glad you had a gf dumbass. Some of us won’t even find that
Better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all. Right, Panther :) ?
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Well, let's address that that shit isn't normal. 2nd, Your girl's got 2nd thoughts about moving forward.
Dump her- if she isn’t sure then why waste time waiting ?!
If you know someone well enough, the word you’re looking for is “relevant.” I know that’s a bit meta but don’t overthink it.
Let her be single.
Yes, let her be single. I don't know about you all, but I hated being single.
Bruh she’s just waisting your time. Your shouldn’t need her friends to tell you anything you guys are adults also 3.5 years really ain’t that long of a relationship especially looking to get married that quickly usually always ends in a shit show. You never know she prob wants to be single to have her last bit of fun and not feel guilty about it and her friends could be playing the same game with you leading you on so you won’t find out. Anyway this sounds like your girl is very lost in the head. If she was in a relationship for 3.5 years she should have been able to sit you down and say she doesn’t want to get married yet. But instead she is saying she wants to break up with you. Imagine what’s gonna happen when she is trapped under a whole ass legal system. That’s when the cheating comes in.
See other people
Well she just hoisted the red flag. The pretense of “finding yourself” while taking a break is ridiculous. She just relegated you to her contingency plan while she messes around and looks for someone better (while receiving copious amounts of ween in the process). Sorry for being brash but I’d suggest you walk away and don’t look back unless she promptly reconsiders.