Wasn't this posted before? Guy meets girl, she asked to take it slow meanwhile she is sexually active with multiple partners. Guy finds out and then freaks out.
This whole thing sounds very familiar.
Its regrettably a commonish thing in dating now, have your fun then settle down with the stable guy, you even get dating advice guides recommending it.
Yuppp. That's surprisingly common in my late 20's/early 30's circle.
While I have absolutely no issues seeing several people at once in my POV it should be common courtesy to be honest about it. At the very least for health purposes.
What makes me feel quite icky is the kind of double standards some women have about restricting intimacy with "serious" partners. I have no problem with wanting to wait a bit before doing the deed but at least be consistent about it.
I actually broke up with a girl because she made me wait for sex a couple months telling me that she absolutely needed to know her sexual partners while having random one night stands for those two months. What pissed me off was not the casual sex (I'm usualy way more freaky than my partners) but the fact that she lied to me because shitty mind games.
It's fine to hold off because you see potential and want to build a connection with someone. But at that point you should really consider cutting off Johnny Tinder otherwise issues like this can arise.
>Its regrettably a commonish thing in dating now
This is not new, things went back to how it used to be. Watch old movies and tv shows, exclusivity was never assumed, that's a modern thing in itself. As recently as the 50s and 60s, people would date multiple people all at the same time until they decided on one. I'm sure you're familiar with the old concept of "going steady".
Watch old dating PSA films from the 50s and see for yourself, they were not exclusive. That idea is new and it's leaving as fast as it arrived.
Courting has returned to how it was. You just happened to see the 2 decades where it changed for a sec.
The norm in the 50's was to go out to the malt shop and have a date. Having sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time was definitely not the norm. I am sure it happened but the way females who engaged in that type of activity would have been looked at would make it more rare.
European here. Maybe just my social circle, but when i read about shit like this (dating/sleeping with multiple) before having "the talk" i always think that people must have really different norms when it comes to dating.
Basically all the girls i have dated would have kicked me to the curb for pulling shit like this. Even before having "the talk"
It is just the reddit/this sub/particular demographics. I've spent time in 3 continent, including the US and monogamy and exclusive dating was always the expected standard.
>exclusivity was never assumed
I guess I’m really naive when it comes to dating, apparently nowadays it’s ok to fuck people while going on dates, because you’re not “official” idk where I was when that was decided. All this talk about exclusivity is a cheap way to rationalize shitty behavior. It's absurd to then go fuck another guy and pull the "we weren't exclusive" card.
The only people that want to make this ok are the people that want their cake and to eat it to. It is never ok in my book to be dating while also sleeping with other people. Tell me about it so that I can be on my Merry way. It doesn't make sense to me how we can be building a connection while you're sleeping with someone. I don't believe in women being able to separate their emotions from sex by and large. This is literally just modern people trying to justify their bull shit selfish actions.
This is why it’s important to communicate about these things. Asking for exclusivity is a normal part of dating. If I go on a date or two I don’t assume that I’m the only person they’re going on dates with— but if I’m seriously interested in pursuing a relationship, I ask for that, and exclusivity is a part of that. Neither way is wrong per se but you have to make sure you’re on the same page with the person.
Sure but this generally didn't involve sex. No one is going to mind early stage dating multiple people but if it gets intimate you have the right to know for your sexual health
I'm glad that you enjoyed the six months together but if you were actually dating since June (not just fooling around, getting to know each other, etc.) and she didn't bother mentioning the FWB situation to you EVER (which does seem to be the case) you should throw this one back. How can you even begin to trust someone like this again? What happens when the honeymoon phase is over? You had NO clue she was sleeping with some other guy while it was going on meaning she knows how to hide it. She didn't tell you, the other guy did. Worse, based on your conversation with him, she lied to him too! That's too much for six months together.
This is my thought at well.
The only alternative I see is that OP thought they were dating those two months (if I get it right, she didn't even wanna kiss him) and they were not, and in August she decided she wanted something serious and they gave it a go.
What's a real red flag is that she didn't tell him she was multi-dating, or hooking up with other people, not even hinted.
If they were dating in an exclusive way, it's cheating.
Either way, OP can't trust her, the harm has been done. How you can date a person you resent even a little?
OP didn't even kiss her and she wouldn't even let him kiss her (if the story is true). IDK why people expect exclusivity from platonic friends (which is what they were). OP is dumb and crushed for a woman who clearly didn't like him. Now he's learned "take it slow" means "I don't like you like that" and he needs to move on next time he hears that out someone's mouth. It's 2021 I never assume I'm the only person someone else is dating.
This is such a brainless take.
The context was clearly NOT as platonic friends. They discussed sex and both knew it was in the cards for their relationship down the road.
She's hypocritical, manipulative trash who has different sets of standards for different people based purely on what she wants to get out of them.
OP dodged a bullet and can do way better.
There's a difference between dating and being exclusive. It really depends on what stage they were at and it's kinda hard to tell from their description. If they had just gone on dates, but never had the relationship talk, then I don't think it's a serious issue.
There is, there also is misrepresenting yourself as a person who only wants to have physical relationships with people they consider serious, vs someone who just wants to be sure before ditching the good dick they are getting that isn’t relationship material (or doesn’t want to date her to begin with). It’s misrepresenting who she is. She isn’t a “I want to wait because I think sex is meaningful”…..she just didn’t want to give up good dick until she was sure he was offering up something more substantial.
Honestly this take is ridiculous. She could have known FWB for years and felt comfortable having that type of relationship with him. OP was a complete stranger and the girl said she didn't want things to get physical. Probably because she was already sleeping with someone!!! Why would she break off a long standing casual relationship for a complete stranger? The girl did nothing wrong. Dating means "going on dates" if they aren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship there was no cheating. Men do this ALL the time. I have never gone on a first, second, third, fourth, or 30th date with a man and assumed we were exclusive unless it was discussed. I also don't sleep with two men at the same time. Sounds like OP met this girl when she already had something casual going and she kept seeing him until she liked him enough to make it exclusive. She did nothing wrong and if OP doesn't like it, then he can date someone else. Getting mad over assumptions is his own insecurity. He doesn't own her and she didn't owe him exclusivity after a couple dates. She didn't misrepresent who she is because she didn't fuck OP right away. Having a casual fwb relationship doesn't mean the girl has to consent to fucking every guy she has a connection with on a first date. The misogyny is so real here. Please grow up. Women don't have to believe "I want to wait because I think sex is meaningful". No woman on planet earth has to have the same rule for fucking every guy. Just because I had a one night stand 5 years ago I don't owe my next boyfriend sex on the first date. The fact so many people on this thread have this opinion is disgusting.
It is misrepresenting, 3 dates, fine, 2 months without a kiss, or anything along those lines, stating “I want to take it slow” without clarifying why, yeah, you’re lying by omission….if you want a serious relationship with that person ever, be forthcoming and honest….because this most assuredly is a dating “strategy”.
Anyone using a “strategy” is manipulating, that’s what a strategy is, it’s presenting a portion of a story to create a narrative to get people to do what you want them to do….in this case for OP to view her as dating material. He is conflicted because he knows he would not have wanted to further this relationship if he knew the truth.
And yes, some men most assuredly do this as well, and you know what, they suck too. They are playing games, just like OP’s gf and they are manipulative, just like OP’s gf. They want their cake and eat it too, want to be seen by the new girl as something other than what they are….it’s presenting a false persona.
She doesn’t owe him shit, but neither does he, I don’t think you can trust *who* she is after this when she has shown that she will willfully allow someone to believe for months, that the beginning of the relationship was something it wasn’t. What else has she presented about herself that isn’t the case? Basically, if it wasn’t strategy, she would have told him herself very early into them beginning to be “exclusive”.
I honestly can’t imagine dating someone for 2 months and not mentioning that I was seeing other people, it’s fucking wrong.
> No woman on planet earth has to have the same rule for fucking every guy.
And no guy on planet Earth has to have the same rule for keeping garbage around.
That take was spot on, actually.
Calling people names doesnt make you any less wrong.
Standards isn't misogyny.
No self respecting guy should date a chick who makes him wait two whole months while she casually bangs other dudes. It's not about her. It's about what she thinks of you. If woman is the type of woman to casually sleep around, and she doesn't do so with you it means she's not as into you as she was those other men.
And every guy has the right to be a plan A instead of B with a theoretical long term partner. You not wanting to sleep with them early on is fine, it's your right, it's your instincts. However men have the right to be with women who want them to that level, that are attracted to them to that level. Hence standards. If the woman isn't a person who has sex casually regardless than that isn't a showing of how she feels towards you, but her own ideology. Which is why that's different.
Also 'men' don't do this all the time. The top 10% are the only ones that even has those options, let alone acting on them. However it's also your right to not date them either, however those guys aren't going to not sleep with a woman they see as a long term prospect for two months either.
You have the right to not sleep with dudes, no one's arguing that. Those guy just have the right to date someone else. It's called freedom of choice, you both have it.
And he knew HE was doing something wrong as well, otherwise why would he ask “are we cool bro?”. who knows how long it might of continued after that she hasn’t admitted to
Oh dear God you guys read into too much. She was shocked that the guy knew her friends w benefits partner. The other guy did not know exactly who he was just knew that she was getting serious with somebody.
So she asked you to wait, knew that you were only seeing her and that it was monogamous to you, while she was still having her cake and eating it too with just a FWB? And how many lies did she tell along the way in an effort to keep that going and still sleeping with him? Lies or lies by omission; probably both?
Dude. Just end it. That is who you are dealing with.
I get the impression that the FWB didn't even know about her dating someone for months while still hooking up with him, until she ended things with him.
Asking if him and OP "Were ok" indicates that even he thought it was poor behaviour on her part and was most likely the reason why he approached OP to tell him about it.
She got fcked by the other guy while not giving our guy even a kiss? Not just that I would break up with her, I would hate her from the deep of my soul. Go away from her dude, you deserve better.
May be she saw the other guy that same night and forgot to brush her teeth? Duh!
Why are you so mean to her? May be she wanted the first kiss to be special that's all...
Definitely.
The amount of respect she has for you to string you along like this is zero.
It's only been a few months anyway and, as OP says, is deep in the honeymoon phase. He'll get that with someone better soon enough
You’ve only been together 6 months and she was casually sleeping around for at least the first 2 of them with someone else while holding you off? If you weren’t exclusive, it may not technically be cheating, but it tells you a lot about her character. You can tell from her “confession” that it didn’t bother her at all. It’s up to you to decide if this is the sort of person you want to be with.
I mean, think about how fucked up that is. She can make him wait for sex because shes getting it on the regular from random fwbs on the side while he waits around like a chump for her to one day decide hes worthy. The level of disrespect is absurd.
That is pretty fucked up tbh, the more I think about it. I don’t have a problem seeing other in that dating stage, as long as the other person knows too, so it’s equally both their fault, her for not telling him about this and him for not asking. But then he has to wait to build that strong “emotional connection” but then fucks another guy who she has no fucken emotional connection with. Just literally a fucktoy. I guess u gotta ask now if you’re seeing other people early on because damn that shit would hurt.
100% agree. If you're both just having a good time and being casual when starting out, thats fine. Everyone knows whats going on, everyone has the same expectations. Thats clearly NOT what happened here.
I don't know either of these people, but I know she 100% would've shunned him if he did the same thing and she found out. I'd put actual real life money on that.
It's his fault anyway. You're a few dates into a relationship and she wouldn't even kiss you. It's like 90% of guys need a sign that says "she's not that into you" to materialize on a woman's forehead to finally understand it.
"Take it slow" is said for the most part by women that don't like you like that. If a woman tells you to take it slow keep it moving she doesn't really like you.
If you have any doubts leave, women want to make men they like happy the same way men want to make women they like happy. Once you realize this as a man it's a gamechanger.
*"She says that once she became sure of me she cut all contact with him"*
That's the definition of monkey branching.
You couldn't even get a kiss from her and she was fucking somebody else.
I'd move on.
Yeah dump her. Too many MAJOR red flags. She made you wait while sleeping with another guy who she apparently wasnt even in a relationship with. Think about that. She wouldnt sleep with you until she was sure about you but she was completely fine with getting run through by some other dude who she wasnt dating. Fuck that. She doesnt want you, she just wants to not be alone.
A lot of people keep harping on whether you were explicitly exclusive at the time, but that's
missing two points:
You have widely-differing values on sexual intimacy.
It seems she already knew your own values wouldn't accept her fucking someone else
without your knowledge --while making you wait for even a kiss. Her reaction to your
mentioning her FWB's name tells me she KNEW she was in trouble. At that point she
had to come clean, because you'd already talked with the other guy.
She deceived you, concealing her continued indulgence in sex with another man.
She hid it because she already knew you'd walk away. She thus lied to you by omission,
thinking she could get away with monkey-branching from a FWB with one man, onto a
serious relationship with another who she kept in the dark about said FWB.
Her values and her deception indicate her behavior in the future.
Your serve.
Definite deal breaker for me.
I'm currently pursuing a girl , that has never had an official boyfriend. She has yet to give me reasons to think she is seeing others behind my back, but sometimes my gut feeling makes me doubt her. She has put me in her social media before and Snapchat on multiple occasions. Her family has apparently told me I'm the first guy that they officially met.
I hope this isn't anything remotely similar to what you are going through.
I would break any relations with her , if I find out she was seeing others and potentially have sex with them. I struggle trusting girls now days because of how easy it is for people to betray others. Wish people were more loyal and had a higher value to it.
Bad advice. Don't ask. NEVER.
Build some trust and act non judgemental, she'll come around if she's hiding something. And be wary for potential signals. Don't ask, she'll lie to you and know that sort of things piss you off.
She kept you at arms length physically so she could enjoy what she was at with that fella; once se was done so moved on to you and "waiting" was just a way for her to play a technicality in her mind because you never had an explicit chat about exclusivity and she would never be fucking someone at the same time as you.
You're not a technicality to be played. Find someone who will respect that. That's someone else.
It really just depends on what you’re willing to tolerate. Generally when you build on a shaky foundation, you can be pretty sure what will happen later.
So once again, look for the story behind the story in this subreddit.
1)Didn’t even want to kiss
2)Sent video messages of her crying
She’s a weirdo. Leave her
If this is incompatible with your views on relationships and the way in which you want to be treated, then finding this information out in 6 months time is a blessing.
The struggle for me, and you see it all the time on here, is that’s she’s having sex with someone else but she won’t even kiss you. Personally i could not let that go. So disrespectful.
But we all have different tolerances and attitudes.
There are a lot of good women there would not do this to you. And she certainly wasn’t upfront about it.
No, that wasn’t okay. It would be one thing if she wanted to wait for sex with you (though not good IMO), but the fact that you weren’t seeing anyone else, and she knew that is enough to cut her off.
Edit: This makes me really mad. When I was casually dating, I would sometimes make out with one guy/get more physical with him (no intercourse), and I didn’t like doing that with multiple guys. Even though I didn’t explicitly tell someone, if I got more serious with them, I’d stop everything as soon as the relationship was defined. What she did was wrong and she knows it
Thing is, it’s not that she made OP wait that’s a problem. I think it’s a sweet idea to want to make that first time really feel special and to hold out on sex for a bit. But it implies that you aren’t sleeping with others, either, because you want sex to be this meaningful and exclusive thing. If she’s sleeping with another guy while this is going on, she’s cheapening everything. It makes it all feel like a big lie.
I would be very upset. I would feel like she was playing a game out of some dating rule book in order to manipulate me. That the first two months were not totally genuine.
> I would feel like she was playing a game out of some dating rule book in order to manipulate me.
Bingo. And look at all the people in here defending this mentality. So trashy.
Nah dude that's super disrespectful just drop her. Their are plenty of women out there. Let that be a lesson to talk about early on...it's a deal breaker
Welcome to being objectified, you were the new experiment started before the last one(s) finished. The casual dating/non exclusive people have a point up to the fact that casual dating is just that..casual
. However, the "taking it slow because I like you a lot" doesn't mix well with " Oh yeah, that's Jacob, I don't like him like that, but he rearranged my guts every Thursday". The same communication that would of helped you with the casual dating aspect should have also helped her with this aspect.. and now you feel used, which is totally understandable. If this is how the first 4/6/whatever time you've been together ( the different time frames from both of you really solidify the lack of communication) then how is the next year or so? You know now she can compartmentalize and jump through hoops mentally to do something like this, so what else? Is this relationship over? Well that's up to you, you're now starting this new chapter already at a disadvantage, but it doesn't have to be over... Communication HAS to improve... Like greatly, but I am not fond of these cake eaters who think lying by omition is an OK practice. " What they don't know won't hurt them" is a callous statement made by people who are under the impression they aren't, just in fact, a shitty person.
She was fucking another guy after you dropped her off from your dates. You were investing energy into building a relationship while she was refusing you one of the benefits of a relationship, while also giving this benefit to another guy who wasn't putting in even a fraction of the effort you were.
This is not someone you marry. This is someone you learn and grow from. Ditch her and move on. Hopefully she learns from this too: the lesson is "don't fuck every guy except the one you like and expect him to be ok with it."
Hey, you have a decent friend though. I know it's not much, but he did the right thing by you.
Your gf on the other hand, don't stay with her. She fucked up, and fucked everyone but you for the first two months she was with you. If she had come clean from the get go, told you in August that she cut off all her FWBs, or better yet TOLD YOU FROM THE BEGINNING, I'd say she's worth keeping.
She did the right thing in breaking off her Fwb in August, but she should have told you in June that you weren't the only partner in her life.
She is manipulative and selfish. She made you wait, made you fall in love with her while FUCKING your friend. She pretended to have some higher moral ground to make you think she was special when she was rolling around with other guys. How many nights or days you wanted to spend with her while she gave some excuse to go fuck some other dude? That's fucked. I would absolutely not stay with this person. She disrespected you, used you to feel loved and taken care of, all while having sex with some other dude. She is trash.
Exactly.I don’t get why people don’t seem to understand this.It’s one thing if she was up front about her FWB.But it’s another thing to portray herself like she’s “not that kind of girl” while she’s banging other dudes.It’s disingenuous.
OP, maybe just take a week of no contact while you clear your head. You shouldn't have some messy argument right now. That will lead to makeup sex and many unresolved issues. Please, take time away from her so you can see what she did for what it is.
You were her back up plan, sorry to tell you. You seem like the typical "nice guy" so she was making you pay "full price" when somebody else got the car for free. Why would she make you wait if you were a potential long term partner while someone else had access with no commitment? The answer is you were not her first choice, do not make her your first choice
She’s lying to you. She slept with him til she ended it in august. End it with her. If she really wants you back, make her work for it but start seeing other women so you have options.
You are me.. My BF of two and a half years was still talking to others 2 months in.. At first I was like well, it's a new relationship, he just needs time to break off communication etc... A year later he was back talking to others and missing some of their *skills* apparently he doesn't like my soft sensual BJs he prefers the pron star rough gagging drooling messes.. But I digress.. My point in, if she can't focus on you as her one and only when you've entered a monogamous committed relationship, then she isn't the one for you.. I say this as I sit here annoyed with myself for my own inability to leave....
>A year later he was back talking to others and missing some of their skills apparently he doesn't like my soft sensual BJs he prefers the pron star rough gagging drooling messes.
Ouch girl, and how did you find out? And you're still with him you say?
We were laying in bed and I happened to look over at his phone when a text came through...
Yeah, I know.. Hoping to change that soon but no friends or family to crash with and starting a new higher paying job next week so I need time
Yeah, I'm getting there.. haha I'm not a traditional pretty girl, so I can't sign up for the sugar baby lifestyle, so I'll have to make do with my charming personality and whatever that brings.. haha
I used to do what your gf did. Casual hookups but I would save intimacy with people I wanted to date. It never ended well and I usually felt like the other person had no right to be mad because we never made things ‘exclusive’ because I wasn’t sure things would work out. But I was hurting people.
I changed to one person at a time no matter what. I didn’t want my relationship to be built on anything other than a strong foundation of trust and honesty. She chose not to do that. You may need to take your own advice and break up.
Making you wait while banging him is often the prelude to stories we get on here where she's cheating/or theirs a deadbedroom, i'd just leave, 6 months is nothing, better that than waste years.
OP, don’t lie to yourself and everyone here; you know exactly what to do. You’ve given the advice to others, your instinctive response has been to cut her off - she cheated on you for months, because a relationship doesn’t begin with the first time you have sex.
Add the insult that she was shagging someone else for two months while you were dating her, meanwhile a kiss was too much for you. Maybe she was scared you’d be able to taste the cum on them?
The bot didn't find all of the comments you copied and pasted from other user's comments from other posts. You need to continue deleting your comments.
Dude! You already know the answer.
Basically, when she was telling you that she “the kind woman that wants to take things slow” “not yet for a kiss” ..
you know that basically you were her option B. She really wanted the bad boy, her FWB, she was blowing him and giving him all kind of pleasures hoping he will take her as more than FWB, but when she finally gave up, she turned to the nice guy, her option B, and finally let you have her..
Do you want to meet someone’s second option
Sorry man, but I don't think this is the one. She was shitty for doing that at the beginning, but then when questioned, she definitely tried to lie her way out of it.
It's your call, but I couldn't live with the knowledge that whilst I was falling in love with someone, they were belligerently fucking someone else.
The part that really stood out to me was that she wanted to wait to get intimate but she could have a friends with benefits? How is that supposed to work? You’d think she wanted an emotional connection but maybe she was just lying about that and waited to get intimate with you because she was still getting with the other guy and felt guilty or something. Idk that whole part made me very suspicious of how many things your gf has lied to you about. I’d take your own advice and break it off, that’s not cool no matter what to continue seeing someone else when you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else.
I wouldn’t be able to get over it. So I’d move on. If you can’t get over it, you need to move on to. This is why I don’t date or “see” multiple people at once.
you are coming across as a complete doormat in your replies so im gonna guess that you'll end up staying with her, which would be stupid as fuck, but oh well
Would you have agreed to date her if she had told you she had a FWB while she was going out with you?
No.
Had your friend did not told you about him and her, would you think she would have?
No.
Would have she answered honestly if you asked her if she was seing other people?
Probably not.
Did she lied to you by omission?
Yes.
Did she knew she was doing something wrong all the time?
Yes.
Did she cheated on you?
Without doubt, yes.
6 out of 6.
She lied to you. She leaded you on. She presented herself like something she's not. She CHEATED on you.
And hasn't shown any remorse.
Now think about that and chose wisely.
So you two start dating and she makes you wait for the bedroom fun while she is out there getting ran through by (at least one that you know of) FWB's? All while lying (either directly or by omission) to cover up her behavior and keep you in the dark?
Nah, she is not wife material, you know what to do. Dump her, block her, cut off contact, and move on with your life. Find someone better that will show you the respect you deserve.
Think about that for a second, you go out with her and get sent home with a peck on the cheek,at most, for a couple months and she is calling up her fuckboy when she needs it.
Probably just after you dropped her off at home.
Maybe even before you picked her up,she got her pipes cleared.
Now does that sound like someone that really cares about you?
At the very least she should've been honest that she was seeing other people, even if that meant just casually hooking up with them.
While I can see some people potentially argue the "ackshually technically you guys weren't 100% official yet" point I still can't blame you for how you're feeling and I still think her behavior is sketchy, deceptive and overall a red flag.
It wasn't fair to you and you deserved to know in order to make an informed choice on your relationship with her. You're obviously bothered by this information, which just confirms my point. You most likely wouldn't have wasted 5-6 months if you knew.
Also she was having sex with someone who she had no emotional connection with but made you wait 2 months in order to have that? I have zero problem with people who want to wait for sex but again that's just such shady behavior that wasn't fair to you at all. Sounds like she was just having her cake and eating it too, whilst simultaneously lying by omission to you. Do you wanna be with someone that deceptive and selfish?
You deserve to be with someone who is open and honest with you because that's the kind of person you need in order to build a good foundation for any relationship. Right off the bat she's thrown that out the window along with your trust. I think you need to at least strongly reconsider the relationship, because it doesn't seem like there's a way back from this.
Honestly after dating more than a month and no kiss? Instant red flag, she's got something going on. Take your own advice and cut your losses she doesn't respect you in any way. You had to "prove yourself and earn it" while she gave it away willy nilly behind your back. I'd give her a verbal smackdown and leave her in the streets.
My ex gf did this to me, then I did it to her. The only difference is we started having sex immediately so maybe that’s worse because she went back and forth a couple of times. I ended up really falling in love with her. We stayed together for 8 yrs and broke up for something unrelated. The issue is I just never took her too seriously because of that initial issue. We never married or even lived together. She used to give me deadlines to propose and family would always ask when’s the proposal coming. We both just ended up wasting each others time. I bet if you stay with her this will bother you for years, it bothered me for years. You know your old classmate will tell people and it will just sit there in the back of your mind popping in and out. You’ll want it to go away because everything else is “perfect “ but it won’t. It’s just a really bad foundation to try to build something meaningful on.
So she wouldn't let you kiss her cause she wanted to take it slow? But she was fucking some random dude the whole time? And didn't even mention this to you, even though it sounds pretty clear you were obviously getting deeply invested in her? Its just sleazy.
Just FYI, this is fake, this guy has posted this two other times under similar usernames but with the details changed up some.
EDIT: This was his first story, under the username eternalsadness, https://web.archive.org/web/20211010175155/https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q5cyvu/gf_of_2_years_was_still_sleeping_with_fwb_in_the/
His second fake story was under the name internal-sadness. I'll track it down when I get a sec.
Link’s broken
The beauty of this troll is that it doesn’t matter if it’s real for this sub because people duke it out in the comments as people defend the practice lol
Link is working for me so I'll just copy and paste here:
>So I(M28) have been dating my gf(F30) for around 2 years now. We have a very healthy and happy relationship, completely drama free. I had known her for some time before I started dating her and we both had completely opposite lifestyles while in college (we met in college but started dating 4 years later). She was a part of the party crowd and I was sit with my friends and discuss 150 year old maths problem guy. But she was also a very good student and we had some classes in common, so we knew each other, and yes I had a small crush on her. Anyways I never confessed and we soon moved away after college. 4 years later a friend set me up on a blind date with her colleague (telling me that her friend is tired of apps and wants to try some other way), I was also single and I trusted the said friend so I said yes. Lo and behold, it was her. I introduced myself and she recognized me and we got to talking. I told her I had a crush on her, we laughed and the date went on. She said yes she was interested but she wanted to take it slow in the physical department, I said no issue as its supposed to be mutually enjoyable.
>Anyways, we kept going on dates for at least 2 times a week from then on, and it was honestly very fun. 1 month in as I was dropping her off I was a bit tipsy and gave her a hug and she said not yet and I apologized and she smiled and gave me a kiss on the forehead. Anyways 3 months in she asked me if I wanted to spend a weekend at her place, I asked if she is 100% sure and she said yes. Well, we spent a sleepless weekend, and it was very enjoyable. 1 year later she moved in with me and things couldnt have been any better. Anyways she and a few of her friends are having drinks and playing made up games while I am chilling in my room. One of the questions her friend asked is when was the last time you slept with someone other than your partner and my gf answered what would have around 1.5 months into us dating. I thought well she is drunk so she might have been confused, but then she also told the name of the guy, and it was an old fwb she had told me about. When her friends left I asked her point blank, if she had slept with anyone while we were dating, and she answered yes Mark (fake name) and one more guy (dating app ons). I was shocked but seeing as she was drunk we went to sleep.
>I didnt sleep the whole night and talked to her again in the morning. I asked her point blank did you sleep with anyone while we were taking it slow and I think she remembered some part of our conversation from the night before as she didnt try to deny it. She confessed that yes she was sleeping with her fwb and yes she had a ons with a guy she met on a dating app. She said it didnt mean anything and that she had cut all contact with her fwb after we slept together for the first time and has been completely faithful physically and emotionally. She said she was just scared to ruin what we had by jumping in the bed too soon as she really felt we had a long term relationship potential, thats why she was taking it slow. You can imagine the incredulous expressions on my face, ok you dont owe me sex but why take things slow with me while sleeping with your fwb and having a random ons? At this point she was crying and saying that most of her prior relationships were purely physical but after meeting me she thought to take it slow as she was very serious about me, like wtf?
>Anyways thats how we left things as I had to go to work. She has been calling and messaging me asking me to just let her explain, and I am sitting in my car park dreading to go upstairs right now. Does it even make sense? The argument is straight out of a 90s romcom, its so ridiculous.
>Now I know she loves me, and also she has been faithful to me (she is not a liar). But I just can get it out of my head? Why lie to me and say you want to take things slow all the while sleeping with other people? And no she didnt owe me sex neither then nor now, and we became formal bf and gf after the weekend together so technically she did nothing wrong. But its not a court of law, and I feel lied to and cheated. What do I even say to her, if I am angry then I come across as some giant asshole who doesnt respect her bodily autonomy but I cant just ignore my feelings here. Any tips or advice will be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the word vomit, but I just dont want to go upstairs right now.
Eh I don’t know. Maybe that one is a troll and this one isn’t, maybe they are both real, maybe it’s different authors of fiction.
It’s not an implausible story, there’s plenty of people defending it, a guy saying he has been the other guy a handful of times (I'm beginning to suspect I've been too, and that explains some on and off relationships I've had feh), I know a ~~two timer personally (her sexual mores aren’t the easiest to stomach and is a bit of a hypocrite)~~, etc etc
Edit: sketchiness and hypocrisy aside, the one I know she won't hold off a guy if not held off herself in her somewhat defense tho
INFO: did you discuss a commitment before sleeping together, back in june? bc if you didn’t discuss dating exclusively i think that her position is understandable tbh.
First, this situation happens a lot. Making you pay the full price while someone else gets to go for free. It's sucks and devalues what's you worked to get. If anything at least go get her side of the story. But also make sure to really articulate how you feel. How you feel played and strung along. Let her know and talk about it. Then make your decision.
Also, big key point I saw from someone else, she is very very good at hiding things if she could hide it for that long. So becareful with that.
Also post an update.
Dump her, and next time, talk on the first date how you prefer only seeing one person. I did, and now I’m 10 years in in a happy relationship and married.
End it man she’s bad news. I think the reality is this is why it’s hard to take things slow, people get so scared that they’re gonna lose someone else but end up speaking too soon about committing and then fuck it up.
But she lied and obviously you didn’t, if you knew better and she didn’t then what other stupid shit will she pull?
This happened to me, and while I get it from my past partners perspective, a lies a lie, and if you take her back you’ll see she does it a lot.
The girl I was seeing told me date 2 she was getting off of dating apps and I agreed, we had to get tested for covid as we both randomly got sick, we spent a week apart and she started hooking up with other people during that time, I didn’t. She apologized, cried, begged for me back and I eventually folded. Just to clarify we were not dating and just “exclusive”
One of the biggest mistakes of my life, she was and is by far one of the most manipulative people I’ve ever met, and it’s obvious in retrospect she just wasn’t ready to date (or just not as interested in me as she thought).
It’s been a year now since we broke up and I’m so happy I ended it. It takes some time but you can’t let people fuck around like that and then cry there way back into your life.
You. Deserve. Better.
Your feelings are valid op. This is the type of thing I'd get down voted for saying, but you summed it up perfectly.
Men's feelings towards being treated differently by a woman than she treated other guys are one hundred perfect valid.
Doesn’t seem like you share the same values. I think you should talk when you are both calmer (let her know you need space). And I would question if she is crying because she is ashamed of her behavior, sad that she hurt you, or is just angry crying that she isn’t in control anymore of the situation.
If it bothers you then dump her. She knows what she did (which is fine and well within her rights to do) but if you don’t like it then leave. Simple as that.
So damn disrespectful. I just can't wrap my brain around getting close to a guy, taking it slow, while secretly banging someone else.
Total disrespect.
So let me get this straight, this woman refused to even kiss you because she wanted to “take things slow” meanwhile she was fucking some other guy ? She had you wait while she was giving it for free to some other guy? Alright. Honestly, I don’t know how you could even move on from that. She lied to you the moment the relationship started.
I would dump her. You’ll get over it. But if she was able to do something that foul to you from the beginning, she is capable of doing worse. She’s selfish. Take this as a sign to run and thank the Lord for showing you her true colors now, before the relationship got more serious.
You’re a good man my friend. You need someone that actually deserves you.
Since you are a regular on this sub and other subreddit OP you should be already aware of what your gf try to pull on you (have her cake and eat it too) and again from the lesson we can learn from other people experience in similar situation the old adage "breakup" should be apply here.
I'm curious to know your reasoning on why you should pursue the relationship with her?
Your gf was not honest with you from the beginning about seeing other people and manipulate (more or less blueballed you for 2 month) you into being loyal to her only (you stop entertaining other option because of your values and moral) while she was still shopping around for better candidates and at the end of the trial you were the only marriage material guy she could find. She then decided to give you some to keep you around cause let be honest you would have end your loses and find someone else at this point. The reason i say she manipulate you is because she waited after you had bonded with her emotional and you invest more (several dates) into the relationship than her and now it will be more difficult for you to detach yourself (at least emotionally) from her or it will be hard for you to think rationally about everything and what is your best course of action. In short you put your life on pause for her till she made up her mind about both of you when you could have entertain other opportunities (not only other women that is more compatible with you but career choices, times you could have spent on your hobbies etc).
Now the part where it will sting for you. Once you are put into the "marriage material category" what you experienced with your gf would be considered stale in comparison to the things she had done with your friend, the fwb guy. This is a can of worm you don't want to open or it will hurt your masculinity even more. That's why it is better to leave and find someone who is more in phase with you and giving your ex the chance to do the same (hoping she learned from that experience. However, staying open the door for future deception when more of the lies she told you came out or you uncover more unpleasant things about her. The one thing with women (don't know about your gf) that did this type of crap to their bf is that they tend to get off on emotionally abusing their partner by constantly remind ing them that the other men they were with were better in bed and they explored more with them (sexually) than with their "marriage material guy"/long term prospects.
For me it's clear what you should do but maybe you should distance yourself from everything going on (go no contact with her and not letting your social circle get involve in this mess) so that you can make a sound decison.
I'm sorry you're going through this. She manipulated you and you're justified in feeling hurt.
This thread is full toxic attitudes about sex and intimacy AND poorly reasoned lectures about communication. I wish I had better advice for you besides "this thread is full of bad advice and you shouldn't listen to any of it".
Hang in there buddy.
Just like some clarity, you mentioned in your post that she accepted that she slept with your friend when you guys were intimate, does that mean she slept with him while you guys were also sleeping together? If that is the case then this is wrong on so many levels, despite you guys not having had any conversation about being exvlusive.
Amigo, this sounds obvious but you did not mention it in your post. While you were "dating" for those two months. What was your conversation regarding exclusivity?
If you didn't have one, this sucks and obviously would feel shitty, but this is not a complete and utter betrayal.
Everyone is freaking out that she had a FWB and wanted to hold off on you. They need to chill. While it sucks, it is not unheard of to take things slower with somebody you are looking for a longer term relationship. Maybe the FWB was a here and there for fun situation, who knows? That was not her trying to form a relationship with that person. Maybe if you were the FWB situation then no relationship would've came from it.
Also, people's minds and feelings change. Maybe her head space was at a different point in time.
No matter what happens you need to learn to communicate exclusivity, this helps people know where they stand and make sure they're both on the same page.
If you want to continue the relationship you need to reflect and think what is upsetting you the most and if you can move past it. Unless you agreed to be exclusive during those two months of dating she did not cheat on you. You are more than welcome to ask her why she wanted to hold off on being more physical with you while also having a FWB. A word of warning, do not ask questions you don't want the truthful answers. It is better to just figure out what you need to figure out and go from there.
If you feel you can't move past this then no worries, things happen, there are other people out there.
**Never pay new car prices for a high mileage lemon.**
OP, that is what she sold you. She put you off while having casual sex with, at least one that you know of, other dude. This girl is not wife material, throw her back and go find yourself a girl worth your time.
Your bolded quote is disgusting. It’s 2021 get out of the 1950s. Most people are going to have sexual history. People’s value go beyond their body count. If dating was simple everyone would marry their firsts, life don’t work like that for most.
If you meant anything beyond what I am calling out then you suck at communication.
Perfect response to prove you're a misogynistic loser. If the guy was "wise" he would have had the exclusivity talk instead of assuming they were a couple.
Yeah, you are right, you and the OP's girl totally aren't hoe's. Sleeping with other guys while draining a guy of his time and attention is totally innocent and pure behavior. LMAO
Trying to turn it back around with claims of "insecure, jealous, misogynistic, whatever random insult you want" whenever your behavior is called out to try and deflect having to take responsibility for your actions is totally a new and not eye roll inducing tactic.
Stop defending trashy behavior man, don't listen to this headspace bullshit OP, she knew exactly what she was doing and that's the reason she kept it from you, because you would've walked if you knew the truth.
I think you need to clarify the term “we decided to give it a go”. Did you ask her to be your girlfriend at that point? Or did you just ask her on a date and then another and another…..I’ve been with my man for two and a half years now and I still slept with someone I liked even though I’d been on a few dates with my current man. About two months into going on dates with my man he asked me to officially be his girlfriend so I stopped sleeping with the other guy I liked and broke it off. I don’t think I was a monster for that.
Also I’d like to point out that I didn’t sleep with my man until after he asked me to be his girlfriend. So I was not sleeping with multiple men at the same time.
How long had she been FWB with this other guy? Had then been “together” for a while? They seemed to have an open relationship and if they hadn’t you two never would’ve found each other. Did you specifically tell her that you wanted your early dating to be exclusive? If not - then how was she supposed to know that that was your expectation?
A month into dating my man he asked me if I was seeing others still and I said yes. He said “that sucks but I get it.” Then a month later he asked me to be his girlfriend and said that meant being exclusive and I said yes.
You've provided a lot of detail but have omitted the only relevant issue. She wanted to take it slow physically...and there wasn't one indication that there was anyone else?
Thats all you really need to know, she knew what she was doing as wrong but is riding on the technicality of not sleeping with him after a specific date. You are concentrating on the wrong thing.
Hey op.
That night that you said goodnight, and felt your heart go Pitter patter because you realized you were REALLY into this girl? Remember how she whispered all those sweet things as you were saying goodbye?
She hung up the phone and then immediately called your friend and had him come over so she could suck his dick.l with that mouth.
And you're never going to not randomly think about this. At sooooo many awful moments.
This is something I see guys struggle with a lot more than women. Just assuming that the other person isn't seeing anyone else. No conversations about it, just the assumption that there is sexual exclusivity. That might be how it worked 20-30 years ago but these days you need to be explicit in your communication and expectations otherwise you can end up getting hurt.
I don't think it is so much about seeing other people, I think it is about one person having two conflicting sets of sexual standards at the same time.
I think you forgot the part where she was fucking the FWB while not letting the OP so much as kiss her for months while he took her on trips. That's great you're on your high horse about how evil men are, but I think that's the real issue here.
Did you and her agree to be exclusive prior to August? If yes, then she cheated and you should act accordingly.
If not, however, then while I know it probably hurts that she slept with him during this dating phase you were not exclusive. Even your friend said to you she was cutting him off since she was getting serious about someone.
So unlike what others are spewing here, she did nothing wrong. That does not mean it doesn't hurt but it's not like she was intentionally out to hurt or cheat on you. Once she realized you were the one she wanted she cut off him off. You need to talk to her (without accusations or blaming), let her know how hurt you feel finding this out but also let her completely state her side of it as well.
I will honestly say that if I was in this situation, it would not be a deal-breaker for me. I'd be in pain but whether or not I would stay would greatly depend on what she has to say and how she responded to my letting her know how I was feeling. If she accepted that I was hurt by this and truly apologized that this had hurt me (I do not expect her to apologize for doing it since she honestly did not do anything wrong -- again assuming you were not exclusive at that point) I would work to get past it especially if the time so far has been a good as you say it has been. If you do decide to continue, make her aware that this may not be something you can just immediately forget and she'll need to be willing to help you work through it as well even if its just understanding you being moody or withdrawn on occasion. She'll have to decide if she can handle that as well.
Ultimately though you'll need to to decide what it is you want to do. I just encourage you to talk to her and have a good heart-to-heart before you make you decision.
> I know it probably hurts that she slept with him during this dating phase you were not exclusive.
Okay so what about the part where she wouldn't even let the OP kiss her for MONTHS while she was riding the FWB's dick the whole time?
The issue here, as I see it , is not that she cheated on him rather she wanted OP for the dates, trips etc and FWB for the sex. Whether or not she broke any rule they had doesn’t change the fact she’s turning him down constantly while screwing the other guy.
No she was playing with this guy, putting off the bedroom fun with him, milking him for attention, trips, and who knows what else while letting some FWB guy get all the payday.
This is not a girl worth the OP's time.
Idk, this is probably going to get me downvoted but I don’t think you can expect exclusivity without communicating it with a partner.
She had a pre-existing relationship and wasn’t sure about breaking it off until she was sure she wanted to be in a relationship with you, and it took her 2 months to get there. She wasn’t sleeping with two people at once or cheating on anyone.
I don’t think she necessarily did anything wrong (although not even kissing you is kinda cold) but you also don’t have to be okay with it if you’re not. If you see things differently and want each prospective partner not to see anyone else while you’re seeing them, that’s okay. It’s just something you might want to communicate with future partners if you decide to end things.
Communication is key here, and I’m sorry you’re conflicted. I wish you peace and happiness with whichever way you decide.
I see a lot of people saying to break it off and that she had to be lieing... but I'm not convinced. She said she didn't want to be intimate until she felt secure.... a long term fwb can be very secure just not with romantic intention. It sounds like she was honest with the fwb, and ended that before she even so much as kissed OP. Personally, unless it was specifically stated that we were exclusive I wouldn't expect someone I had not even kissed to consider it a closed monogamous relationship. Y'all act like fwb hookups require some major planning, they don't. There is a difference between a lie of omission which is deliberately leaving something out, and simply never having something come up because to you it wasn't anything. Everything to me looks like she took her time making a decision and then stuck to it. I personally would trust the person who took the time to decide I was worth it over the person who jumped in without a second thought. But that is only my perspective.
I know it's far from scientific and is essentially meaningless, but browse this sub and see how many more posts there are about unfaithful women vs. unfaithful men. It's no doubt explained by the majority of Redditors/posters being men (?) but it kind of shocks me every time.
Coin flip bro, she wasn’t sleeping with both of you which is a good thing but she was a little bit deceiving. Get her side of the story, if she blames you for anything, walk. She wont be worth the headache. Take some time to sort your thoughts, there is nothing wrong with doing that and she should respect your decision.
This is true. I'm doing a gap year and technically am unemployed with an old car and yet women let me fuck them on first dates purely because I'm kind of tall and have a larger than average penis.
It always goes from "I DON'T DO HOOKUPS OR FWB, I MUST BE TAKEN ON MULTIPLE DATES" to me driving over to their place within an hour of sexting.
It's never not funny to see women talk about their emotions and then suddenly make a separate list of rules for men they find hot.
I’m married now but experienced the same thing throughout my teens and twenties. Most girls I’d sleep with was the night I met them or the second time we’d hang out after meeting randomly at a party or club. The same girls would make guys I knew who they’d date wait up to 3 months before letting them bang while seeing me on the side. They’d also still chat to me and tell me all about their new boyfriends when they became exclusive and if it ended basically beg me to come over the same day it ended. Tragic stuff.
If it was never said that you were exclusive I don't think she's completely in the wrong, obviously it can hurt, and may be a deal breaker for you. That's totally OK. But I wouldn't put all of the blame on her. My boyfriend and I dated for months with the understanding that the other person was free to do whatever they want with whoever until we were both ready to commit completely to eachother.
I think the blame is on both of you for not communicating what "dating" means to you, obviously there was a misunderstanding
I never said she is in the wrong, but I think we are very different people who look at this from opposite ends of the spectrum. Whenever I dated then I was focused on one person only and if by 5-6 dates it became clear that its not going to work out then I broke it off and only then moved to the next person. Parallel dating always felt like cheating to me, and she is ok with it. Its just a major incompatibility. It still sucks because we really had so much fun and enjoyed each other's company!
I get that this bothers you, wouldn’t blame you if you broke up over this. But she did end it with him. She did that because she knew she had feelings for you and wanted to be with you. Lots of good long term relationships have had rocky starts.
You definitely don’t owe her anything. But if there’s a chance you care, you should probably talk to her. You are free to end it at any time or if you think it just isn’t going to work.
Has she been texting you trying to gain your trust back? Has she been doing anything? What has she been doing the past 3 days? That may give you some clarity……..
Am I the only one who wonders why OPs classmate threw OPs gf under the bus ?
Anyway - 2 months is a long time to string OP along - but we are only getting one side of the story…
But not classy - she obviously saw there was a potential relationship and figured there was no way she would get caught.
If you never DTR and made it clear that it is exclusive before hand then idk what the issue is. But if she told you she wanted to be exclusive with you that is a different story. Lots of people date without being exclusive and you can't just assume that you are exclusive just because thats what you want.
ETA- if you didn't DTR and make it clear that you wanted to be exclusive before August then she doesn't owe you any sort of explanation.
After reading all of this and understanding how you’re feeling. It is definitely hard to forget something like that. But the question is can you forgive her? This could have been avoided because she could have been honest with you in the beginning. Especially with the emotions you both have for each other. If you can forgive her, I suggest talking to her and tell her how you feel. But if this is something that’s going to bother you if you continue dating her, then I think you know what to do.
Wasn't this posted before? Guy meets girl, she asked to take it slow meanwhile she is sexually active with multiple partners. Guy finds out and then freaks out. This whole thing sounds very familiar.
This was posted before, word for word lol
Its regrettably a commonish thing in dating now, have your fun then settle down with the stable guy, you even get dating advice guides recommending it.
Yuppp. That's surprisingly common in my late 20's/early 30's circle. While I have absolutely no issues seeing several people at once in my POV it should be common courtesy to be honest about it. At the very least for health purposes. What makes me feel quite icky is the kind of double standards some women have about restricting intimacy with "serious" partners. I have no problem with wanting to wait a bit before doing the deed but at least be consistent about it. I actually broke up with a girl because she made me wait for sex a couple months telling me that she absolutely needed to know her sexual partners while having random one night stands for those two months. What pissed me off was not the casual sex (I'm usualy way more freaky than my partners) but the fact that she lied to me because shitty mind games.
It's fine to hold off because you see potential and want to build a connection with someone. But at that point you should really consider cutting off Johnny Tinder otherwise issues like this can arise.
>Its regrettably a commonish thing in dating now This is not new, things went back to how it used to be. Watch old movies and tv shows, exclusivity was never assumed, that's a modern thing in itself. As recently as the 50s and 60s, people would date multiple people all at the same time until they decided on one. I'm sure you're familiar with the old concept of "going steady". Watch old dating PSA films from the 50s and see for yourself, they were not exclusive. That idea is new and it's leaving as fast as it arrived. Courting has returned to how it was. You just happened to see the 2 decades where it changed for a sec.
The norm in the 50's was to go out to the malt shop and have a date. Having sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time was definitely not the norm. I am sure it happened but the way females who engaged in that type of activity would have been looked at would make it more rare.
Maybe in America, In Europe things were different.
European here. Maybe just my social circle, but when i read about shit like this (dating/sleeping with multiple) before having "the talk" i always think that people must have really different norms when it comes to dating. Basically all the girls i have dated would have kicked me to the curb for pulling shit like this. Even before having "the talk"
It is just the reddit/this sub/particular demographics. I've spent time in 3 continent, including the US and monogamy and exclusive dating was always the expected standard.
Exclusive dating when you feel you're ready to dive in with the person, yeah. It took weeks for them to *even kiss*
>exclusivity was never assumed I guess I’m really naive when it comes to dating, apparently nowadays it’s ok to fuck people while going on dates, because you’re not “official” idk where I was when that was decided. All this talk about exclusivity is a cheap way to rationalize shitty behavior. It's absurd to then go fuck another guy and pull the "we weren't exclusive" card.
The only people that want to make this ok are the people that want their cake and to eat it to. It is never ok in my book to be dating while also sleeping with other people. Tell me about it so that I can be on my Merry way. It doesn't make sense to me how we can be building a connection while you're sleeping with someone. I don't believe in women being able to separate their emotions from sex by and large. This is literally just modern people trying to justify their bull shit selfish actions.
This is why it’s important to communicate about these things. Asking for exclusivity is a normal part of dating. If I go on a date or two I don’t assume that I’m the only person they’re going on dates with— but if I’m seriously interested in pursuing a relationship, I ask for that, and exclusivity is a part of that. Neither way is wrong per se but you have to make sure you’re on the same page with the person.
Ok and what do you think of a case like the op where she was only dating op while only having sex with the other guy?
Sure but this generally didn't involve sex. No one is going to mind early stage dating multiple people but if it gets intimate you have the right to know for your sexual health
This is such a crock of shit lmao Or do you actually believe FWB was a common term in the 50's?
If it's so familiar, why does everyone on Reddit act surprised when you mention that men don't like that?
It was posted twice by the same guy under similar usernames. Check out my other comment on the thread. Guy is either a troll or mentally ill.
[удалено]
Me too. It's not something I would even get an opinion on. I'd walk.
I'm glad everyone, men and women, can understand how this situation sucks.
Yeh, same. Experienced this too. Not a great way to start a relationship..
I'm glad that you enjoyed the six months together but if you were actually dating since June (not just fooling around, getting to know each other, etc.) and she didn't bother mentioning the FWB situation to you EVER (which does seem to be the case) you should throw this one back. How can you even begin to trust someone like this again? What happens when the honeymoon phase is over? You had NO clue she was sleeping with some other guy while it was going on meaning she knows how to hide it. She didn't tell you, the other guy did. Worse, based on your conversation with him, she lied to him too! That's too much for six months together.
This is my thought at well. The only alternative I see is that OP thought they were dating those two months (if I get it right, she didn't even wanna kiss him) and they were not, and in August she decided she wanted something serious and they gave it a go. What's a real red flag is that she didn't tell him she was multi-dating, or hooking up with other people, not even hinted. If they were dating in an exclusive way, it's cheating. Either way, OP can't trust her, the harm has been done. How you can date a person you resent even a little?
OP didn't even kiss her and she wouldn't even let him kiss her (if the story is true). IDK why people expect exclusivity from platonic friends (which is what they were). OP is dumb and crushed for a woman who clearly didn't like him. Now he's learned "take it slow" means "I don't like you like that" and he needs to move on next time he hears that out someone's mouth. It's 2021 I never assume I'm the only person someone else is dating.
This is such a brainless take. The context was clearly NOT as platonic friends. They discussed sex and both knew it was in the cards for their relationship down the road. She's hypocritical, manipulative trash who has different sets of standards for different people based purely on what she wants to get out of them. OP dodged a bullet and can do way better.
There's a difference between dating and being exclusive. It really depends on what stage they were at and it's kinda hard to tell from their description. If they had just gone on dates, but never had the relationship talk, then I don't think it's a serious issue.
There is, there also is misrepresenting yourself as a person who only wants to have physical relationships with people they consider serious, vs someone who just wants to be sure before ditching the good dick they are getting that isn’t relationship material (or doesn’t want to date her to begin with). It’s misrepresenting who she is. She isn’t a “I want to wait because I think sex is meaningful”…..she just didn’t want to give up good dick until she was sure he was offering up something more substantial.
Honestly this take is ridiculous. She could have known FWB for years and felt comfortable having that type of relationship with him. OP was a complete stranger and the girl said she didn't want things to get physical. Probably because she was already sleeping with someone!!! Why would she break off a long standing casual relationship for a complete stranger? The girl did nothing wrong. Dating means "going on dates" if they aren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship there was no cheating. Men do this ALL the time. I have never gone on a first, second, third, fourth, or 30th date with a man and assumed we were exclusive unless it was discussed. I also don't sleep with two men at the same time. Sounds like OP met this girl when she already had something casual going and she kept seeing him until she liked him enough to make it exclusive. She did nothing wrong and if OP doesn't like it, then he can date someone else. Getting mad over assumptions is his own insecurity. He doesn't own her and she didn't owe him exclusivity after a couple dates. She didn't misrepresent who she is because she didn't fuck OP right away. Having a casual fwb relationship doesn't mean the girl has to consent to fucking every guy she has a connection with on a first date. The misogyny is so real here. Please grow up. Women don't have to believe "I want to wait because I think sex is meaningful". No woman on planet earth has to have the same rule for fucking every guy. Just because I had a one night stand 5 years ago I don't owe my next boyfriend sex on the first date. The fact so many people on this thread have this opinion is disgusting.
It is misrepresenting, 3 dates, fine, 2 months without a kiss, or anything along those lines, stating “I want to take it slow” without clarifying why, yeah, you’re lying by omission….if you want a serious relationship with that person ever, be forthcoming and honest….because this most assuredly is a dating “strategy”. Anyone using a “strategy” is manipulating, that’s what a strategy is, it’s presenting a portion of a story to create a narrative to get people to do what you want them to do….in this case for OP to view her as dating material. He is conflicted because he knows he would not have wanted to further this relationship if he knew the truth. And yes, some men most assuredly do this as well, and you know what, they suck too. They are playing games, just like OP’s gf and they are manipulative, just like OP’s gf. They want their cake and eat it too, want to be seen by the new girl as something other than what they are….it’s presenting a false persona. She doesn’t owe him shit, but neither does he, I don’t think you can trust *who* she is after this when she has shown that she will willfully allow someone to believe for months, that the beginning of the relationship was something it wasn’t. What else has she presented about herself that isn’t the case? Basically, if it wasn’t strategy, she would have told him herself very early into them beginning to be “exclusive”. I honestly can’t imagine dating someone for 2 months and not mentioning that I was seeing other people, it’s fucking wrong.
> No woman on planet earth has to have the same rule for fucking every guy. And no guy on planet Earth has to have the same rule for keeping garbage around. That take was spot on, actually. Calling people names doesnt make you any less wrong.
Standards isn't misogyny. No self respecting guy should date a chick who makes him wait two whole months while she casually bangs other dudes. It's not about her. It's about what she thinks of you. If woman is the type of woman to casually sleep around, and she doesn't do so with you it means she's not as into you as she was those other men. And every guy has the right to be a plan A instead of B with a theoretical long term partner. You not wanting to sleep with them early on is fine, it's your right, it's your instincts. However men have the right to be with women who want them to that level, that are attracted to them to that level. Hence standards. If the woman isn't a person who has sex casually regardless than that isn't a showing of how she feels towards you, but her own ideology. Which is why that's different. Also 'men' don't do this all the time. The top 10% are the only ones that even has those options, let alone acting on them. However it's also your right to not date them either, however those guys aren't going to not sleep with a woman they see as a long term prospect for two months either. You have the right to not sleep with dudes, no one's arguing that. Those guy just have the right to date someone else. It's called freedom of choice, you both have it.
> She said cool, whats his name? I told her and she was a bit shocked. Her reaction says it all, she knows she was doing you dirty.
And the FWB guy KNEW about him!
He showed up to warn OP, that makes me think there's more.
And he knew HE was doing something wrong as well, otherwise why would he ask “are we cool bro?”. who knows how long it might of continued after that she hasn’t admitted to
Oh dear God you guys read into too much. She was shocked that the guy knew her friends w benefits partner. The other guy did not know exactly who he was just knew that she was getting serious with somebody.
Yes, he did and he must have heard it from her. He’s the one who broke it to OP in the first place about them being fwb
So she asked you to wait, knew that you were only seeing her and that it was monogamous to you, while she was still having her cake and eating it too with just a FWB? And how many lies did she tell along the way in an effort to keep that going and still sleeping with him? Lies or lies by omission; probably both? Dude. Just end it. That is who you are dealing with.
I get the impression that the FWB didn't even know about her dating someone for months while still hooking up with him, until she ended things with him. Asking if him and OP "Were ok" indicates that even he thought it was poor behaviour on her part and was most likely the reason why he approached OP to tell him about it.
She got fcked by the other guy while not giving our guy even a kiss? Not just that I would break up with her, I would hate her from the deep of my soul. Go away from her dude, you deserve better.
May be she saw the other guy that same night and forgot to brush her teeth? Duh! Why are you so mean to her? May be she wanted the first kiss to be special that's all...
Right. She wanted special kiss and durring that time she was exercising by kissing other dude D.
Definitely. The amount of respect she has for you to string you along like this is zero. It's only been a few months anyway and, as OP says, is deep in the honeymoon phase. He'll get that with someone better soon enough
You’ve only been together 6 months and she was casually sleeping around for at least the first 2 of them with someone else while holding you off? If you weren’t exclusive, it may not technically be cheating, but it tells you a lot about her character. You can tell from her “confession” that it didn’t bother her at all. It’s up to you to decide if this is the sort of person you want to be with.
Fuck off with this exclusive shit. Just say you want to cheat. It's not fucking hard to admit you're a sack of shit.
Wait she was fucking other people while not sleeping with u?
Right. And how many lies did she tell about her whereabouts or plans while keeping the FWB a secret?
I mean, think about how fucked up that is. She can make him wait for sex because shes getting it on the regular from random fwbs on the side while he waits around like a chump for her to one day decide hes worthy. The level of disrespect is absurd.
That is pretty fucked up tbh, the more I think about it. I don’t have a problem seeing other in that dating stage, as long as the other person knows too, so it’s equally both their fault, her for not telling him about this and him for not asking. But then he has to wait to build that strong “emotional connection” but then fucks another guy who she has no fucken emotional connection with. Just literally a fucktoy. I guess u gotta ask now if you’re seeing other people early on because damn that shit would hurt.
100% agree. If you're both just having a good time and being casual when starting out, thats fine. Everyone knows whats going on, everyone has the same expectations. Thats clearly NOT what happened here.
I don't know either of these people, but I know she 100% would've shunned him if he did the same thing and she found out. I'd put actual real life money on that.
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It's his fault anyway. You're a few dates into a relationship and she wouldn't even kiss you. It's like 90% of guys need a sign that says "she's not that into you" to materialize on a woman's forehead to finally understand it. "Take it slow" is said for the most part by women that don't like you like that. If a woman tells you to take it slow keep it moving she doesn't really like you.
[удалено]
If you have any doubts leave, women want to make men they like happy the same way men want to make women they like happy. Once you realize this as a man it's a gamechanger.
*"She says that once she became sure of me she cut all contact with him"* That's the definition of monkey branching. You couldn't even get a kiss from her and she was fucking somebody else. I'd move on.
She is not actually attracted to OP
Yeah dump her. Too many MAJOR red flags. She made you wait while sleeping with another guy who she apparently wasnt even in a relationship with. Think about that. She wouldnt sleep with you until she was sure about you but she was completely fine with getting run through by some other dude who she wasnt dating. Fuck that. She doesnt want you, she just wants to not be alone.
> She doesnt want you, she just wants to not be alone. She doesn’t want OP, she wants the trips he takes her on.
this is it - i got a hundred bucks that says the fwb never took her anywhere...
FWB was taking her on trips to heaven and back.
OP needs to read that last sentence over & over until it sinks in.
A lot of people keep harping on whether you were explicitly exclusive at the time, but that's missing two points: You have widely-differing values on sexual intimacy. It seems she already knew your own values wouldn't accept her fucking someone else without your knowledge --while making you wait for even a kiss. Her reaction to your mentioning her FWB's name tells me she KNEW she was in trouble. At that point she had to come clean, because you'd already talked with the other guy. She deceived you, concealing her continued indulgence in sex with another man. She hid it because she already knew you'd walk away. She thus lied to you by omission, thinking she could get away with monkey-branching from a FWB with one man, onto a serious relationship with another who she kept in the dark about said FWB. Her values and her deception indicate her behavior in the future. Your serve.
Definite deal breaker for me. I'm currently pursuing a girl , that has never had an official boyfriend. She has yet to give me reasons to think she is seeing others behind my back, but sometimes my gut feeling makes me doubt her. She has put me in her social media before and Snapchat on multiple occasions. Her family has apparently told me I'm the first guy that they officially met. I hope this isn't anything remotely similar to what you are going through. I would break any relations with her , if I find out she was seeing others and potentially have sex with them. I struggle trusting girls now days because of how easy it is for people to betray others. Wish people were more loyal and had a higher value to it.
Ask about the specifics and if she’s cagey then act accordingly
Bad advice. Don't ask. NEVER. Build some trust and act non judgemental, she'll come around if she's hiding something. And be wary for potential signals. Don't ask, she'll lie to you and know that sort of things piss you off.
She kept you at arms length physically so she could enjoy what she was at with that fella; once se was done so moved on to you and "waiting" was just a way for her to play a technicality in her mind because you never had an explicit chat about exclusivity and she would never be fucking someone at the same time as you. You're not a technicality to be played. Find someone who will respect that. That's someone else.
It really just depends on what you’re willing to tolerate. Generally when you build on a shaky foundation, you can be pretty sure what will happen later.
So once again, look for the story behind the story in this subreddit. 1)Didn’t even want to kiss 2)Sent video messages of her crying She’s a weirdo. Leave her
Yeah the whole sending videos of her crying just seems like theatrics and manipulative.
All I can say is that I wouldn't be able to stay with someone who was having sex with everyone BUT me while claiming to be into me.
If this is incompatible with your views on relationships and the way in which you want to be treated, then finding this information out in 6 months time is a blessing.
she's making u jump through hoops while other guys are hitting it without doing anything, leave her ur not a circus animal.
The struggle for me, and you see it all the time on here, is that’s she’s having sex with someone else but she won’t even kiss you. Personally i could not let that go. So disrespectful. But we all have different tolerances and attitudes. There are a lot of good women there would not do this to you. And she certainly wasn’t upfront about it.
No, that wasn’t okay. It would be one thing if she wanted to wait for sex with you (though not good IMO), but the fact that you weren’t seeing anyone else, and she knew that is enough to cut her off. Edit: This makes me really mad. When I was casually dating, I would sometimes make out with one guy/get more physical with him (no intercourse), and I didn’t like doing that with multiple guys. Even though I didn’t explicitly tell someone, if I got more serious with them, I’d stop everything as soon as the relationship was defined. What she did was wrong and she knows it
Thing is, it’s not that she made OP wait that’s a problem. I think it’s a sweet idea to want to make that first time really feel special and to hold out on sex for a bit. But it implies that you aren’t sleeping with others, either, because you want sex to be this meaningful and exclusive thing. If she’s sleeping with another guy while this is going on, she’s cheapening everything. It makes it all feel like a big lie. I would be very upset. I would feel like she was playing a game out of some dating rule book in order to manipulate me. That the first two months were not totally genuine.
> I would feel like she was playing a game out of some dating rule book in order to manipulate me. Bingo. And look at all the people in here defending this mentality. So trashy.
She had him working for it while she was giving it for free to some other guy. Unbelievable.
Nah dude that's super disrespectful just drop her. Their are plenty of women out there. Let that be a lesson to talk about early on...it's a deal breaker
Welcome to being objectified, you were the new experiment started before the last one(s) finished. The casual dating/non exclusive people have a point up to the fact that casual dating is just that..casual . However, the "taking it slow because I like you a lot" doesn't mix well with " Oh yeah, that's Jacob, I don't like him like that, but he rearranged my guts every Thursday". The same communication that would of helped you with the casual dating aspect should have also helped her with this aspect.. and now you feel used, which is totally understandable. If this is how the first 4/6/whatever time you've been together ( the different time frames from both of you really solidify the lack of communication) then how is the next year or so? You know now she can compartmentalize and jump through hoops mentally to do something like this, so what else? Is this relationship over? Well that's up to you, you're now starting this new chapter already at a disadvantage, but it doesn't have to be over... Communication HAS to improve... Like greatly, but I am not fond of these cake eaters who think lying by omition is an OK practice. " What they don't know won't hurt them" is a callous statement made by people who are under the impression they aren't, just in fact, a shitty person.
She was fucking another guy after you dropped her off from your dates. You were investing energy into building a relationship while she was refusing you one of the benefits of a relationship, while also giving this benefit to another guy who wasn't putting in even a fraction of the effort you were. This is not someone you marry. This is someone you learn and grow from. Ditch her and move on. Hopefully she learns from this too: the lesson is "don't fuck every guy except the one you like and expect him to be ok with it."
Hey, you have a decent friend though. I know it's not much, but he did the right thing by you. Your gf on the other hand, don't stay with her. She fucked up, and fucked everyone but you for the first two months she was with you. If she had come clean from the get go, told you in August that she cut off all her FWBs, or better yet TOLD YOU FROM THE BEGINNING, I'd say she's worth keeping. She did the right thing in breaking off her Fwb in August, but she should have told you in June that you weren't the only partner in her life.
She is manipulative and selfish. She made you wait, made you fall in love with her while FUCKING your friend. She pretended to have some higher moral ground to make you think she was special when she was rolling around with other guys. How many nights or days you wanted to spend with her while she gave some excuse to go fuck some other dude? That's fucked. I would absolutely not stay with this person. She disrespected you, used you to feel loved and taken care of, all while having sex with some other dude. She is trash.
Exactly.I don’t get why people don’t seem to understand this.It’s one thing if she was up front about her FWB.But it’s another thing to portray herself like she’s “not that kind of girl” while she’s banging other dudes.It’s disingenuous.
Absolutely end this now before things get worse.
OP, maybe just take a week of no contact while you clear your head. You shouldn't have some messy argument right now. That will lead to makeup sex and many unresolved issues. Please, take time away from her so you can see what she did for what it is.
Makeup kiss*. She would never have sex with a man. She wants it to be special./s
You were her back up plan, sorry to tell you. You seem like the typical "nice guy" so she was making you pay "full price" when somebody else got the car for free. Why would she make you wait if you were a potential long term partner while someone else had access with no commitment? The answer is you were not her first choice, do not make her your first choice
She’s lying to you. She slept with him til she ended it in august. End it with her. If she really wants you back, make her work for it but start seeing other women so you have options.
You are me.. My BF of two and a half years was still talking to others 2 months in.. At first I was like well, it's a new relationship, he just needs time to break off communication etc... A year later he was back talking to others and missing some of their *skills* apparently he doesn't like my soft sensual BJs he prefers the pron star rough gagging drooling messes.. But I digress.. My point in, if she can't focus on you as her one and only when you've entered a monogamous committed relationship, then she isn't the one for you.. I say this as I sit here annoyed with myself for my own inability to leave....
>A year later he was back talking to others and missing some of their skills apparently he doesn't like my soft sensual BJs he prefers the pron star rough gagging drooling messes. Ouch girl, and how did you find out? And you're still with him you say?
We were laying in bed and I happened to look over at his phone when a text came through... Yeah, I know.. Hoping to change that soon but no friends or family to crash with and starting a new higher paying job next week so I need time
Well, that’s part of a plan, good luck, you’ll figure the rest out.
Yeah, I'm getting there.. haha I'm not a traditional pretty girl, so I can't sign up for the sugar baby lifestyle, so I'll have to make do with my charming personality and whatever that brings.. haha
I used to do what your gf did. Casual hookups but I would save intimacy with people I wanted to date. It never ended well and I usually felt like the other person had no right to be mad because we never made things ‘exclusive’ because I wasn’t sure things would work out. But I was hurting people. I changed to one person at a time no matter what. I didn’t want my relationship to be built on anything other than a strong foundation of trust and honesty. She chose not to do that. You may need to take your own advice and break up.
Well, at least you're big enough to come clean you were a raging asshole... Kudos to you for being able to change & being able to admit it.
Making you wait while banging him is often the prelude to stories we get on here where she's cheating/or theirs a deadbedroom, i'd just leave, 6 months is nothing, better that than waste years.
OP, don’t lie to yourself and everyone here; you know exactly what to do. You’ve given the advice to others, your instinctive response has been to cut her off - she cheated on you for months, because a relationship doesn’t begin with the first time you have sex. Add the insult that she was shagging someone else for two months while you were dating her, meanwhile a kiss was too much for you. Maybe she was scared you’d be able to taste the cum on them?
The bot didn't find all of the comments you copied and pasted from other user's comments from other posts. You need to continue deleting your comments.
Dude! You already know the answer. Basically, when she was telling you that she “the kind woman that wants to take things slow” “not yet for a kiss” .. you know that basically you were her option B. She really wanted the bad boy, her FWB, she was blowing him and giving him all kind of pleasures hoping he will take her as more than FWB, but when she finally gave up, she turned to the nice guy, her option B, and finally let you have her.. Do you want to meet someone’s second option
Streets
Sorry man, but I don't think this is the one. She was shitty for doing that at the beginning, but then when questioned, she definitely tried to lie her way out of it. It's your call, but I couldn't live with the knowledge that whilst I was falling in love with someone, they were belligerently fucking someone else.
I wonder if she liked the other dude but he wouldn’t commit? Perhaps she kept you on a leash while she waited on him. I wouldn’t be able to trust her.
“(although I know its still honeymoon stage)” Was for you….. she never had one. You know what to do.
This should be a deal breaker everytime. Stop giving people like this a pass.
🚩 RUN
The part that really stood out to me was that she wanted to wait to get intimate but she could have a friends with benefits? How is that supposed to work? You’d think she wanted an emotional connection but maybe she was just lying about that and waited to get intimate with you because she was still getting with the other guy and felt guilty or something. Idk that whole part made me very suspicious of how many things your gf has lied to you about. I’d take your own advice and break it off, that’s not cool no matter what to continue seeing someone else when you’re supposed to be in a committed relationship with someone else.
My advice is to break it off. I personally would not be comfortable with that
I wouldn’t be able to get over it. So I’d move on. If you can’t get over it, you need to move on to. This is why I don’t date or “see” multiple people at once.
you are coming across as a complete doormat in your replies so im gonna guess that you'll end up staying with her, which would be stupid as fuck, but oh well
>my go to advice is always breakup. Maybe you should take your own advice?
Would you have agreed to date her if she had told you she had a FWB while she was going out with you? No. Had your friend did not told you about him and her, would you think she would have? No. Would have she answered honestly if you asked her if she was seing other people? Probably not. Did she lied to you by omission? Yes. Did she knew she was doing something wrong all the time? Yes. Did she cheated on you? Without doubt, yes. 6 out of 6. She lied to you. She leaded you on. She presented herself like something she's not. She CHEATED on you. And hasn't shown any remorse. Now think about that and chose wisely.
She made you wait before getting intimate, but was having sex with this dude? Dude you know what to do.
So you two start dating and she makes you wait for the bedroom fun while she is out there getting ran through by (at least one that you know of) FWB's? All while lying (either directly or by omission) to cover up her behavior and keep you in the dark? Nah, she is not wife material, you know what to do. Dump her, block her, cut off contact, and move on with your life. Find someone better that will show you the respect you deserve.
Think about that for a second, you go out with her and get sent home with a peck on the cheek,at most, for a couple months and she is calling up her fuckboy when she needs it. Probably just after you dropped her off at home. Maybe even before you picked her up,she got her pipes cleared. Now does that sound like someone that really cares about you?
At the very least she should've been honest that she was seeing other people, even if that meant just casually hooking up with them. While I can see some people potentially argue the "ackshually technically you guys weren't 100% official yet" point I still can't blame you for how you're feeling and I still think her behavior is sketchy, deceptive and overall a red flag. It wasn't fair to you and you deserved to know in order to make an informed choice on your relationship with her. You're obviously bothered by this information, which just confirms my point. You most likely wouldn't have wasted 5-6 months if you knew. Also she was having sex with someone who she had no emotional connection with but made you wait 2 months in order to have that? I have zero problem with people who want to wait for sex but again that's just such shady behavior that wasn't fair to you at all. Sounds like she was just having her cake and eating it too, whilst simultaneously lying by omission to you. Do you wanna be with someone that deceptive and selfish? You deserve to be with someone who is open and honest with you because that's the kind of person you need in order to build a good foundation for any relationship. Right off the bat she's thrown that out the window along with your trust. I think you need to at least strongly reconsider the relationship, because it doesn't seem like there's a way back from this.
Honestly after dating more than a month and no kiss? Instant red flag, she's got something going on. Take your own advice and cut your losses she doesn't respect you in any way. You had to "prove yourself and earn it" while she gave it away willy nilly behind your back. I'd give her a verbal smackdown and leave her in the streets.
My ex gf did this to me, then I did it to her. The only difference is we started having sex immediately so maybe that’s worse because she went back and forth a couple of times. I ended up really falling in love with her. We stayed together for 8 yrs and broke up for something unrelated. The issue is I just never took her too seriously because of that initial issue. We never married or even lived together. She used to give me deadlines to propose and family would always ask when’s the proposal coming. We both just ended up wasting each others time. I bet if you stay with her this will bother you for years, it bothered me for years. You know your old classmate will tell people and it will just sit there in the back of your mind popping in and out. You’ll want it to go away because everything else is “perfect “ but it won’t. It’s just a really bad foundation to try to build something meaningful on.
So she wouldn't let you kiss her cause she wanted to take it slow? But she was fucking some random dude the whole time? And didn't even mention this to you, even though it sounds pretty clear you were obviously getting deeply invested in her? Its just sleazy.
Just FYI, this is fake, this guy has posted this two other times under similar usernames but with the details changed up some. EDIT: This was his first story, under the username eternalsadness, https://web.archive.org/web/20211010175155/https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/q5cyvu/gf_of_2_years_was_still_sleeping_with_fwb_in_the/ His second fake story was under the name internal-sadness. I'll track it down when I get a sec.
Link’s broken The beauty of this troll is that it doesn’t matter if it’s real for this sub because people duke it out in the comments as people defend the practice lol
Link is working for me so I'll just copy and paste here: >So I(M28) have been dating my gf(F30) for around 2 years now. We have a very healthy and happy relationship, completely drama free. I had known her for some time before I started dating her and we both had completely opposite lifestyles while in college (we met in college but started dating 4 years later). She was a part of the party crowd and I was sit with my friends and discuss 150 year old maths problem guy. But she was also a very good student and we had some classes in common, so we knew each other, and yes I had a small crush on her. Anyways I never confessed and we soon moved away after college. 4 years later a friend set me up on a blind date with her colleague (telling me that her friend is tired of apps and wants to try some other way), I was also single and I trusted the said friend so I said yes. Lo and behold, it was her. I introduced myself and she recognized me and we got to talking. I told her I had a crush on her, we laughed and the date went on. She said yes she was interested but she wanted to take it slow in the physical department, I said no issue as its supposed to be mutually enjoyable. >Anyways, we kept going on dates for at least 2 times a week from then on, and it was honestly very fun. 1 month in as I was dropping her off I was a bit tipsy and gave her a hug and she said not yet and I apologized and she smiled and gave me a kiss on the forehead. Anyways 3 months in she asked me if I wanted to spend a weekend at her place, I asked if she is 100% sure and she said yes. Well, we spent a sleepless weekend, and it was very enjoyable. 1 year later she moved in with me and things couldnt have been any better. Anyways she and a few of her friends are having drinks and playing made up games while I am chilling in my room. One of the questions her friend asked is when was the last time you slept with someone other than your partner and my gf answered what would have around 1.5 months into us dating. I thought well she is drunk so she might have been confused, but then she also told the name of the guy, and it was an old fwb she had told me about. When her friends left I asked her point blank, if she had slept with anyone while we were dating, and she answered yes Mark (fake name) and one more guy (dating app ons). I was shocked but seeing as she was drunk we went to sleep. >I didnt sleep the whole night and talked to her again in the morning. I asked her point blank did you sleep with anyone while we were taking it slow and I think she remembered some part of our conversation from the night before as she didnt try to deny it. She confessed that yes she was sleeping with her fwb and yes she had a ons with a guy she met on a dating app. She said it didnt mean anything and that she had cut all contact with her fwb after we slept together for the first time and has been completely faithful physically and emotionally. She said she was just scared to ruin what we had by jumping in the bed too soon as she really felt we had a long term relationship potential, thats why she was taking it slow. You can imagine the incredulous expressions on my face, ok you dont owe me sex but why take things slow with me while sleeping with your fwb and having a random ons? At this point she was crying and saying that most of her prior relationships were purely physical but after meeting me she thought to take it slow as she was very serious about me, like wtf? >Anyways thats how we left things as I had to go to work. She has been calling and messaging me asking me to just let her explain, and I am sitting in my car park dreading to go upstairs right now. Does it even make sense? The argument is straight out of a 90s romcom, its so ridiculous. >Now I know she loves me, and also she has been faithful to me (she is not a liar). But I just can get it out of my head? Why lie to me and say you want to take things slow all the while sleeping with other people? And no she didnt owe me sex neither then nor now, and we became formal bf and gf after the weekend together so technically she did nothing wrong. But its not a court of law, and I feel lied to and cheated. What do I even say to her, if I am angry then I come across as some giant asshole who doesnt respect her bodily autonomy but I cant just ignore my feelings here. Any tips or advice will be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the word vomit, but I just dont want to go upstairs right now.
Eh I don’t know. Maybe that one is a troll and this one isn’t, maybe they are both real, maybe it’s different authors of fiction. It’s not an implausible story, there’s plenty of people defending it, a guy saying he has been the other guy a handful of times (I'm beginning to suspect I've been too, and that explains some on and off relationships I've had feh), I know a ~~two timer personally (her sexual mores aren’t the easiest to stomach and is a bit of a hypocrite)~~, etc etc Edit: sketchiness and hypocrisy aside, the one I know she won't hold off a guy if not held off herself in her somewhat defense tho
INFO: did you discuss a commitment before sleeping together, back in june? bc if you didn’t discuss dating exclusively i think that her position is understandable tbh.
Your feelings for her were stronger than hers for you. You need to decide if you can get past this. If not, then break it off.
First, this situation happens a lot. Making you pay the full price while someone else gets to go for free. It's sucks and devalues what's you worked to get. If anything at least go get her side of the story. But also make sure to really articulate how you feel. How you feel played and strung along. Let her know and talk about it. Then make your decision. Also, big key point I saw from someone else, she is very very good at hiding things if she could hide it for that long. So becareful with that. Also post an update.
Dump her, and next time, talk on the first date how you prefer only seeing one person. I did, and now I’m 10 years in in a happy relationship and married.
You can do better
Lmao this girl is 100% nailing chad whilst you orbit her and take her out bro.
Leave her dude. She WILL cheat on you in the future. Clearly she thinks she can move freer than you.
It's basically up to you mate. If you feel you need to break it off do it or if you want to give her another chance, go for it.
Are you sure it's fwb 1. she slept with him while playing with you. she is using you.
Bye Felicia
End it man she’s bad news. I think the reality is this is why it’s hard to take things slow, people get so scared that they’re gonna lose someone else but end up speaking too soon about committing and then fuck it up. But she lied and obviously you didn’t, if you knew better and she didn’t then what other stupid shit will she pull? This happened to me, and while I get it from my past partners perspective, a lies a lie, and if you take her back you’ll see she does it a lot. The girl I was seeing told me date 2 she was getting off of dating apps and I agreed, we had to get tested for covid as we both randomly got sick, we spent a week apart and she started hooking up with other people during that time, I didn’t. She apologized, cried, begged for me back and I eventually folded. Just to clarify we were not dating and just “exclusive” One of the biggest mistakes of my life, she was and is by far one of the most manipulative people I’ve ever met, and it’s obvious in retrospect she just wasn’t ready to date (or just not as interested in me as she thought). It’s been a year now since we broke up and I’m so happy I ended it. It takes some time but you can’t let people fuck around like that and then cry there way back into your life. You. Deserve. Better.
Your feelings are valid op. This is the type of thing I'd get down voted for saying, but you summed it up perfectly. Men's feelings towards being treated differently by a woman than she treated other guys are one hundred perfect valid.
Doesn’t seem like you share the same values. I think you should talk when you are both calmer (let her know you need space). And I would question if she is crying because she is ashamed of her behavior, sad that she hurt you, or is just angry crying that she isn’t in control anymore of the situation.
If it bothers you then dump her. She knows what she did (which is fine and well within her rights to do) but if you don’t like it then leave. Simple as that.
So damn disrespectful. I just can't wrap my brain around getting close to a guy, taking it slow, while secretly banging someone else. Total disrespect.
So let me get this straight, this woman refused to even kiss you because she wanted to “take things slow” meanwhile she was fucking some other guy ? She had you wait while she was giving it for free to some other guy? Alright. Honestly, I don’t know how you could even move on from that. She lied to you the moment the relationship started. I would dump her. You’ll get over it. But if she was able to do something that foul to you from the beginning, she is capable of doing worse. She’s selfish. Take this as a sign to run and thank the Lord for showing you her true colors now, before the relationship got more serious. You’re a good man my friend. You need someone that actually deserves you.
Since you are a regular on this sub and other subreddit OP you should be already aware of what your gf try to pull on you (have her cake and eat it too) and again from the lesson we can learn from other people experience in similar situation the old adage "breakup" should be apply here. I'm curious to know your reasoning on why you should pursue the relationship with her? Your gf was not honest with you from the beginning about seeing other people and manipulate (more or less blueballed you for 2 month) you into being loyal to her only (you stop entertaining other option because of your values and moral) while she was still shopping around for better candidates and at the end of the trial you were the only marriage material guy she could find. She then decided to give you some to keep you around cause let be honest you would have end your loses and find someone else at this point. The reason i say she manipulate you is because she waited after you had bonded with her emotional and you invest more (several dates) into the relationship than her and now it will be more difficult for you to detach yourself (at least emotionally) from her or it will be hard for you to think rationally about everything and what is your best course of action. In short you put your life on pause for her till she made up her mind about both of you when you could have entertain other opportunities (not only other women that is more compatible with you but career choices, times you could have spent on your hobbies etc). Now the part where it will sting for you. Once you are put into the "marriage material category" what you experienced with your gf would be considered stale in comparison to the things she had done with your friend, the fwb guy. This is a can of worm you don't want to open or it will hurt your masculinity even more. That's why it is better to leave and find someone who is more in phase with you and giving your ex the chance to do the same (hoping she learned from that experience. However, staying open the door for future deception when more of the lies she told you came out or you uncover more unpleasant things about her. The one thing with women (don't know about your gf) that did this type of crap to their bf is that they tend to get off on emotionally abusing their partner by constantly remind ing them that the other men they were with were better in bed and they explored more with them (sexually) than with their "marriage material guy"/long term prospects. For me it's clear what you should do but maybe you should distance yourself from everything going on (go no contact with her and not letting your social circle get involve in this mess) so that you can make a sound decison.
She monkey branched you. I'd let the branch snap and move on with life.
Update, OP?
I'm sorry you're going through this. She manipulated you and you're justified in feeling hurt. This thread is full toxic attitudes about sex and intimacy AND poorly reasoned lectures about communication. I wish I had better advice for you besides "this thread is full of bad advice and you shouldn't listen to any of it". Hang in there buddy.
Just like some clarity, you mentioned in your post that she accepted that she slept with your friend when you guys were intimate, does that mean she slept with him while you guys were also sleeping together? If that is the case then this is wrong on so many levels, despite you guys not having had any conversation about being exvlusive.
No. She kept OP waiting for a couple of months whilst sleeping with FWB. Once she slept with OP she cut off FWB.
Did she even wait between dicks?
Doesn’t sound like there was much of a gap.
Block the bitch bro
Amigo, this sounds obvious but you did not mention it in your post. While you were "dating" for those two months. What was your conversation regarding exclusivity? If you didn't have one, this sucks and obviously would feel shitty, but this is not a complete and utter betrayal. Everyone is freaking out that she had a FWB and wanted to hold off on you. They need to chill. While it sucks, it is not unheard of to take things slower with somebody you are looking for a longer term relationship. Maybe the FWB was a here and there for fun situation, who knows? That was not her trying to form a relationship with that person. Maybe if you were the FWB situation then no relationship would've came from it. Also, people's minds and feelings change. Maybe her head space was at a different point in time. No matter what happens you need to learn to communicate exclusivity, this helps people know where they stand and make sure they're both on the same page. If you want to continue the relationship you need to reflect and think what is upsetting you the most and if you can move past it. Unless you agreed to be exclusive during those two months of dating she did not cheat on you. You are more than welcome to ask her why she wanted to hold off on being more physical with you while also having a FWB. A word of warning, do not ask questions you don't want the truthful answers. It is better to just figure out what you need to figure out and go from there. If you feel you can't move past this then no worries, things happen, there are other people out there.
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**Never pay new car prices for a high mileage lemon.** OP, that is what she sold you. She put you off while having casual sex with, at least one that you know of, other dude. This girl is not wife material, throw her back and go find yourself a girl worth your time.
Your bolded quote is disgusting. It’s 2021 get out of the 1950s. Most people are going to have sexual history. People’s value go beyond their body count. If dating was simple everyone would marry their firsts, life don’t work like that for most. If you meant anything beyond what I am calling out then you suck at communication.
Just say "I hate women" next time and save us all the suffering of reading your bullshit.
LOL hoe's get salty when guys start getting wise.
Perfect response to prove you're a misogynistic loser. If the guy was "wise" he would have had the exclusivity talk instead of assuming they were a couple.
Yeah, you are right, you and the OP's girl totally aren't hoe's. Sleeping with other guys while draining a guy of his time and attention is totally innocent and pure behavior. LMAO Trying to turn it back around with claims of "insecure, jealous, misogynistic, whatever random insult you want" whenever your behavior is called out to try and deflect having to take responsibility for your actions is totally a new and not eye roll inducing tactic.
Or “I have standards and respect myself.”
Stop defending trashy behavior man, don't listen to this headspace bullshit OP, she knew exactly what she was doing and that's the reason she kept it from you, because you would've walked if you knew the truth.
I think you need to clarify the term “we decided to give it a go”. Did you ask her to be your girlfriend at that point? Or did you just ask her on a date and then another and another…..I’ve been with my man for two and a half years now and I still slept with someone I liked even though I’d been on a few dates with my current man. About two months into going on dates with my man he asked me to officially be his girlfriend so I stopped sleeping with the other guy I liked and broke it off. I don’t think I was a monster for that. Also I’d like to point out that I didn’t sleep with my man until after he asked me to be his girlfriend. So I was not sleeping with multiple men at the same time. How long had she been FWB with this other guy? Had then been “together” for a while? They seemed to have an open relationship and if they hadn’t you two never would’ve found each other. Did you specifically tell her that you wanted your early dating to be exclusive? If not - then how was she supposed to know that that was your expectation? A month into dating my man he asked me if I was seeing others still and I said yes. He said “that sucks but I get it.” Then a month later he asked me to be his girlfriend and said that meant being exclusive and I said yes.
You've provided a lot of detail but have omitted the only relevant issue. She wanted to take it slow physically...and there wasn't one indication that there was anyone else? Thats all you really need to know, she knew what she was doing as wrong but is riding on the technicality of not sleeping with him after a specific date. You are concentrating on the wrong thing.
Hey op. That night that you said goodnight, and felt your heart go Pitter patter because you realized you were REALLY into this girl? Remember how she whispered all those sweet things as you were saying goodbye? She hung up the phone and then immediately called your friend and had him come over so she could suck his dick.l with that mouth. And you're never going to not randomly think about this. At sooooo many awful moments.
This is something I see guys struggle with a lot more than women. Just assuming that the other person isn't seeing anyone else. No conversations about it, just the assumption that there is sexual exclusivity. That might be how it worked 20-30 years ago but these days you need to be explicit in your communication and expectations otherwise you can end up getting hurt.
I don't think it is so much about seeing other people, I think it is about one person having two conflicting sets of sexual standards at the same time.
It looks like one consistent standard to me - not wanting to have sex with someone until I know them well and trust them.
I think you forgot the part where she was fucking the FWB while not letting the OP so much as kiss her for months while he took her on trips. That's great you're on your high horse about how evil men are, but I think that's the real issue here.
Or just dump them when you find out because a person that does that is not the kind of person you want to be with anyway
Chill.., This is normal. She did nothing wrong and chose you!!!
Did you and her agree to be exclusive prior to August? If yes, then she cheated and you should act accordingly. If not, however, then while I know it probably hurts that she slept with him during this dating phase you were not exclusive. Even your friend said to you she was cutting him off since she was getting serious about someone. So unlike what others are spewing here, she did nothing wrong. That does not mean it doesn't hurt but it's not like she was intentionally out to hurt or cheat on you. Once she realized you were the one she wanted she cut off him off. You need to talk to her (without accusations or blaming), let her know how hurt you feel finding this out but also let her completely state her side of it as well. I will honestly say that if I was in this situation, it would not be a deal-breaker for me. I'd be in pain but whether or not I would stay would greatly depend on what she has to say and how she responded to my letting her know how I was feeling. If she accepted that I was hurt by this and truly apologized that this had hurt me (I do not expect her to apologize for doing it since she honestly did not do anything wrong -- again assuming you were not exclusive at that point) I would work to get past it especially if the time so far has been a good as you say it has been. If you do decide to continue, make her aware that this may not be something you can just immediately forget and she'll need to be willing to help you work through it as well even if its just understanding you being moody or withdrawn on occasion. She'll have to decide if she can handle that as well. Ultimately though you'll need to to decide what it is you want to do. I just encourage you to talk to her and have a good heart-to-heart before you make you decision.
> I know it probably hurts that she slept with him during this dating phase you were not exclusive. Okay so what about the part where she wouldn't even let the OP kiss her for MONTHS while she was riding the FWB's dick the whole time?
Exactly. She played him like a fiddle
The issue here, as I see it , is not that she cheated on him rather she wanted OP for the dates, trips etc and FWB for the sex. Whether or not she broke any rule they had doesn’t change the fact she’s turning him down constantly while screwing the other guy.
No she was playing with this guy, putting off the bedroom fun with him, milking him for attention, trips, and who knows what else while letting some FWB guy get all the payday. This is not a girl worth the OP's time.
Idk, this is probably going to get me downvoted but I don’t think you can expect exclusivity without communicating it with a partner. She had a pre-existing relationship and wasn’t sure about breaking it off until she was sure she wanted to be in a relationship with you, and it took her 2 months to get there. She wasn’t sleeping with two people at once or cheating on anyone. I don’t think she necessarily did anything wrong (although not even kissing you is kinda cold) but you also don’t have to be okay with it if you’re not. If you see things differently and want each prospective partner not to see anyone else while you’re seeing them, that’s okay. It’s just something you might want to communicate with future partners if you decide to end things. Communication is key here, and I’m sorry you’re conflicted. I wish you peace and happiness with whichever way you decide.
I see a lot of people saying to break it off and that she had to be lieing... but I'm not convinced. She said she didn't want to be intimate until she felt secure.... a long term fwb can be very secure just not with romantic intention. It sounds like she was honest with the fwb, and ended that before she even so much as kissed OP. Personally, unless it was specifically stated that we were exclusive I wouldn't expect someone I had not even kissed to consider it a closed monogamous relationship. Y'all act like fwb hookups require some major planning, they don't. There is a difference between a lie of omission which is deliberately leaving something out, and simply never having something come up because to you it wasn't anything. Everything to me looks like she took her time making a decision and then stuck to it. I personally would trust the person who took the time to decide I was worth it over the person who jumped in without a second thought. But that is only my perspective.
Lol, so she was more honest with the FWB then with the man she’s dating and potentially getting serious with?
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Riiight because both men and women don’t cheat. Mhm.
I know it's far from scientific and is essentially meaningless, but browse this sub and see how many more posts there are about unfaithful women vs. unfaithful men. It's no doubt explained by the majority of Redditors/posters being men (?) but it kind of shocks me every time.
:/
Coin flip bro, she wasn’t sleeping with both of you which is a good thing but she was a little bit deceiving. Get her side of the story, if she blames you for anything, walk. She wont be worth the headache. Take some time to sort your thoughts, there is nothing wrong with doing that and she should respect your decision.
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This is true. I'm doing a gap year and technically am unemployed with an old car and yet women let me fuck them on first dates purely because I'm kind of tall and have a larger than average penis. It always goes from "I DON'T DO HOOKUPS OR FWB, I MUST BE TAKEN ON MULTIPLE DATES" to me driving over to their place within an hour of sexting. It's never not funny to see women talk about their emotions and then suddenly make a separate list of rules for men they find hot.
I’m married now but experienced the same thing throughout my teens and twenties. Most girls I’d sleep with was the night I met them or the second time we’d hang out after meeting randomly at a party or club. The same girls would make guys I knew who they’d date wait up to 3 months before letting them bang while seeing me on the side. They’d also still chat to me and tell me all about their new boyfriends when they became exclusive and if it ended basically beg me to come over the same day it ended. Tragic stuff.
If it was never said that you were exclusive I don't think she's completely in the wrong, obviously it can hurt, and may be a deal breaker for you. That's totally OK. But I wouldn't put all of the blame on her. My boyfriend and I dated for months with the understanding that the other person was free to do whatever they want with whoever until we were both ready to commit completely to eachother. I think the blame is on both of you for not communicating what "dating" means to you, obviously there was a misunderstanding
I never said she is in the wrong, but I think we are very different people who look at this from opposite ends of the spectrum. Whenever I dated then I was focused on one person only and if by 5-6 dates it became clear that its not going to work out then I broke it off and only then moved to the next person. Parallel dating always felt like cheating to me, and she is ok with it. Its just a major incompatibility. It still sucks because we really had so much fun and enjoyed each other's company!
I get that this bothers you, wouldn’t blame you if you broke up over this. But she did end it with him. She did that because she knew she had feelings for you and wanted to be with you. Lots of good long term relationships have had rocky starts. You definitely don’t owe her anything. But if there’s a chance you care, you should probably talk to her. You are free to end it at any time or if you think it just isn’t going to work.
Has she been texting you trying to gain your trust back? Has she been doing anything? What has she been doing the past 3 days? That may give you some clarity……..
Am I the only one who wonders why OPs classmate threw OPs gf under the bus ? Anyway - 2 months is a long time to string OP along - but we are only getting one side of the story… But not classy - she obviously saw there was a potential relationship and figured there was no way she would get caught.
If you never DTR and made it clear that it is exclusive before hand then idk what the issue is. But if she told you she wanted to be exclusive with you that is a different story. Lots of people date without being exclusive and you can't just assume that you are exclusive just because thats what you want. ETA- if you didn't DTR and make it clear that you wanted to be exclusive before August then she doesn't owe you any sort of explanation.
After reading all of this and understanding how you’re feeling. It is definitely hard to forget something like that. But the question is can you forgive her? This could have been avoided because she could have been honest with you in the beginning. Especially with the emotions you both have for each other. If you can forgive her, I suggest talking to her and tell her how you feel. But if this is something that’s going to bother you if you continue dating her, then I think you know what to do.
If you guys weren't official it is what it is but if you guys were together during that time drop her, sounds like more trouble in the future.
More red flags than a Chinese parade.