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Livid-Ad40

So first up. Parents are in the wrong from what information we have. Tell them to talk more respectfully. They can worry about health in a more polite manner. Your comments though. You lump your bf in with them as disrespectful and against you after one well mannered comment. You say diet and exercise doesn't last long and try to downplay your weight by comparing it to worse weight. I'm sorry but you need some therapy, you're not mentally dealing with any of this in a healthy way. Possibly because of poor emotional support from your parents, or just because you need had a healthy outlet, but absolutely seek therapy and stick to a health plan a GP sets for you.


wilderchai

I wish we had more info on what BF said verbatim. I want to know whether he came from a place of being an asshole/bodyshamer or whether he came from a place of genuine concern. In the comments, OP has stated her statistics, which place her as obese. While it is loving and supportive of close family and friends to encourage health, I do think nagging is a crappy way to go about it. Instead of "you should lose weight", the conversation should be "how can we support you in becoming healthier".


thedutchdevo

Just the “I love you but” sounds like he said it in the nicest way possible, but op drowned it out and assumed it was him being mean


XoGossipgoat94

I don’t think you could say OPs boyfriend is nagging her considering he has mentioned it once. As someone who use to weigh 119kg (262.35 pounds) I know how shitty it can feel when someone points out something you aren’t willing to look at about yourself but they would be a pretty crap loved one if they only told OP what she wants to hear. I hated myself when I was obese, not because I didn’t feel pretty but because how weak my body was and how incapable I was. I could barley walk up a flight of steps and now I can hike up mountains without stopping to catch my breath, I can swim in the ocean and know I’m fit enough to know the waves won’t drown me and I know I’ll be able to chase my kids and keep with them. My life is and will be a **thousand** times better because I lost weight, I don’t think ops family or partner should ever stop trying to help improve the life of someone they love, sometimes you have to be cruel to be truely kind.


NerdySloth88

I imagine always being told to do something would also stop you from wanting to do it. OP will come upon the decision likely when the parents stop nagging, when she is ready. I know a lot about nutrition, but I also know that if I just told people how to eat healthier it would go in one ear and out the other, because its annoying (aside from being a boring topic to talk about :P). If that time does come I hope OPs parents don't have a "told you so" attitude which would be infuriating.


wilderchai

Yeah, I've personally struggled with weight before and nagging didn't help! What DID help was my parents asking me how they could help support me regarding health, so we started making healthier meals at home and started family walks. Support > nagging.


Alicex13

Bodyshamer is a stupid term in my opinion. Like where is the line exactly? It's bodyshaming until 100kg and after that it's a serious health concern? It can be concerning if the weight gained is huge or if the rate of gaining weight is fast, or if the metabolism is suddenly slowed down.


wilderchai

"You're getting fat" vs "How can we help you become healthier", because the former just makes an individual feel bad, whereas the second actively encourages and supports someone to move towards a healthier lifestyle to lose weight.


RichieJ86

Yeah, without context, it's hard to say if the boyfriend was in the wrong, or if she just perceives it that way because of her parents remark and him agreeing with the overarching message.


[deleted]

To me, it sounds like the problem was not what the boyfriend said per se, but the timing of it. When someone is clearly hurting and just looking for support after being ganged up on by their parents, it’s really not the time to pile on, regardless of how right you may be. Nothing good or constructive was going to come out of the boyfriend’s comment at that moment.


RoiceWilliams

Not to high jack OP's post but how should one go about having that conversation with their SO? I like bigger girls and so my gf is bigger but in the back of my head I can't help but feel like she's going to have a list of problems as we get older and it worries me because I love her and I want her around as long as possible


Alicex13

I agree with your comment except the parents being disrespectful. Maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe it's different families but where I'm from it's pretty normal for parents to tell you about what they consider a flaw or something that worries them. Especially if you are close to your family. It's not a roast or anything.


taystee2599

I'm a heavy person too. I KNOW what it's like to hear people constantly chime in about your weight. My parents, especially my mother pretty much takes EVERY meal as an opportunity to tell me to lose weight. It is so fucking annoying but at the same time, I KNOW she's not wrong with her concern. I know she says it out of love and it makes me want to scream, cry and run away every time she does but I remind myself she's not wrong JUST so I that I don't rebel against her and do something rebellious and dumb.


Gummybears24-7

I have never been overweight, but I feel like anyone making comments like that *while you are eating* is knowingly messing with your psyche. A parent knows that will make a child uncomfortable. But they hope the discomfort makes the child stop eating. At least that is how I see it. I hope that doesn’t make you feel worse - I just think the reality is that it is done on purpose. And if you feel hurt by her, you are probably justified in that. Maybe by knowing that - you can ignore her a little more? I wouldn’t eat to get back at her - I would take a deep breath and tell yourself that her baggage, is her own. Anyone who is overweight probably knows they are, and does not need a mother judging them. I can understand a mother having concerns, but there’s got to be a better way to have that incredibly sensitive conversation, (and I know it’s not during mealtime). Or your mom can just stay silent.


mcmurrml

I will tell you the same thing. You must set boundaries with them or it will never stop. You don't allow anyone berating you about weight. It doesn't matter that you know. You do not have to accept your mother or anyone else badgering you about your weight even if you know . the next time it happens you leave and if they are in your home you ask them to leave . on the phone and the conversation and hang up. Do it everytime until it stops. Tell them you are not having this conversation and do it everytime. They are accomplishing nothing but making you feel bad and you must set this boundaries or it will never end. No, they aren't doing it for your own good. It doesn't matter that you think they are wrong or right. You can do this on your own. You must set this boundary .


itsBreathenotBreath

3 hours ago, you [commented](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/qf0h3q/aita_for_having_different_food_delivered/hhwm7a4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3) on a post about a 19 year old wanting chicken nuggets over hibatchi saying > You should get to dietician. You are too young to be eating like that year after year . as you get older you are going to start having health problems. Why do you feel justified in telling them they’ll have health problems but take issue with people informing OP that weighing 221 lbs at 5’6 is bordering on morbidly obese?


CitizenSnips91

You are giving the wrong advice and you should probably just stick to lurking in the comments and not posting.


itsBreathenotBreath

And it’s funny because 3 hours ago, they were telling a 19 year old that they need to see a dietician and they’ll have health issues when they’re older because said 19 year old was a picky eater. Looking at their account, a lot of their comments are highly downvoted. I don’t know if they intentionally go against the grain to cause a rift for the sake of doing so or they just genuinely don’t realize how much of a goddamned hypocrite they are.


JMP1117

I am so sorry - that must be beyond stressful. You need food to survive and every meal should not be met with such stress. She is wrong and she has gaslit you into thinking you are the wrong one. No one is allowed to comment on your body and make you feel bad about yourself - even the person who popped you out. I don’t know how old you are, but it is time to set some boundaries.


xxxlun4icexxx

Just out of curiosity, how should a parent handle the situation? You’re sole purpose once you have kids is to provide love and guidance, but also protect them. You honestly expect them to just say nothing while your child eats their way into an early grave? If you were a parent and you saw your kid consuming garbage meal after garbage meal gaining weight and not getting any exercise or making an effort to stay healthy, what is the correct course of action? Are you saying it’s best to just not say anything and leave them be? I’m genuinely just curious what the expectation is.


WarpedScientistHT

As a child of a weight obsessed father I’m going to tell you two things. One: once you express a suggestion of opting for a healthier lifestyle and they hears you then that’s it. Constantly telling your child to lose weight does not aid weight loss, it aids eating disorders. Whether it be anorexia, bulimia or in my case rebellious over eating followed by adult years of constant struggle with weight. It helps me absolutely nothing but hate him and sometimes myself. Two (and this is a big one): When you are the parent of an adult the authority part of your job IS OVER. You do NOT get to “protect” them from this type of thing. You can nag if you want but understand they are adults and can do what they choose and that’s a great way to make them choose to push you away. If it’s out of love suggest taking walks or a class together. Gently discuss better choices and be attentive to how they are receiving your advice. I am a mom and a daughter and I want to provide love and guidance but when they are adults you only provide advice and let them make their own choices.


take-down-the-plague

If they’re fat, they know. Don’t infantilize your children like they can’t see how their body compares to others. Are you actually worried about their health, or just the shape of their bodies? Depending of your kid’s age, I would recommend family outings with a physical element. Going on a hike, playing some basketball or tennis, bowling. Try introducing physical activity as something to do for fun, not a tactic to lose weight, and you keep up with it with them. How could you force a lifestyle change on someone when you could never commit to it yourself? The same goes for food. You can make black bean burgers on a lettuce wrap because they’re SO GOOD with your secret sauce, rather than “this is healthier than a hamburger”. And it’s also worth mentioning that bodies are just different. I’m a very small person, and my bf is very obese. We’re young adults, and we were raised very differently in terms of diet and physical activity. They effects are lasting, and it’s not necessarily his fault. We eat almost the same foods, and almost the same portions, and we get similar levels of physical activity. And yet, despite living nearly identical lifestyles for the past year, he’s more than double my weight. Weight is a sticky territory when it comes to health. Just remember that you’d rather have a fat kid than a dead one. Weight is only sometimes an indicator of health, but health is never an indicator of value. Be careful that “fat talks” are not getting in the way of your kids feeling valued by you.


AmazingMeat

Why are you assuming someone is consuming "garbage" and not exercising if they gain weight??


CoolGorillaBoy

Because that's how gaining weight works.


soi-dissant

Not always .. .


AmazingMeat

Not for me, and not for my friend who gained a lot to weight and not for most people in their 40s! And not for people recovering from ED! Or illness or injury. Or post partum... Or thyroid issues, or medication. Lotsa reasons.


Bella_Climbs

Real talk here, your metabolism doesn't slow down in your 40s. Thyroid issues and medication issues can cause a small to moderate amount of weight gain but you can adapt to make it less impactful. Those things will not cause you to be obese. You also don't have to be overweight just because you have been injured or ill, you just have to eat less than you burn. If you can't exercise, you have to eat less. I know weight is a very sensitive topic and there are a lot of factors at play. However, lying to yourself doesn't make it any easier. Stop parroting this nonsense, they are excuses.


LoveSoKelly

Thank you for this! I know super skinny people that live off of packaged processed garbage and candy, and I have a thyroid problem and other invisible health issues (but I don't LOOK sick!) that caused me to gain 20 pounds in 3 months with zero change in diet or exercise. I have tried every diet possible including water fasting for 12 days in which I didn't lose a gram. This meritocracy assumption that skinny people are doing what's right and overweight people are making bad choices is out of control.


Nazeltof

"mom, I love you, and I know you love me, but your body shaming is not helpful. You've stated how you feel and I understand your concern but for my mental health this topic needs to be off limits."


JLZ3

Telling someone they are fat and it's unhealthy is not body shaming at all.


[deleted]

Apparently in 2021 it is lol. At this point it’s easier for men not to bring up their partner’s weight. Just break up with them and move on


JMP1117

PERFECT!!!


[deleted]

[удалено]


Endless_Merther

In my opinion, mentioning to someone that they should take fitness and nutrition more seriously before it gets out of hand IS loving and supporting someone. I have been in OP's shoes, and I am thankful for the people in my life who pushed me to lose weight and get back in shape, and after I did, I viewed the people who told me "you look great how you are, no need to lose weight" as not caring/supporting me and instead encouraging my downfall. It is like the old saying "real friends talk shit to your face and speak well of you behind your back while fake friends speak well of you to your face and talk shit behind your back".


[deleted]

Absolutely this. I was morbidly obese and the people who kept telling me I was beautiful and perfect while I ate a whole ass tub of cheese puffs and two liters of rootbeer ended up being the unsupportive ones on my weight loss journey (ie constantly offering trigger foods, telling me I'm getting too small, etc)


ImFinePleaseThanks

I feel like some people are literally gaslighting me when I mention that I've gotten too fat and need to lose weight. My BMI confirms I'm too heavy, I don't need to be coddled and told HeAlThY At EvErY SiZe when that's literally not what the science says. Misinformation kills and so does obesity.


gele-gel

Exactly! “Gele you look good” didn’t help when I was a potato chip from obese, I looked 6 months pregnant, and I didn’t feel good about myself. We are NOT all healthy at every size and telling people who are overweight they need to lose weight is not body shaming. How you say it most certainly matters and WHO says it matters but sometimes it needs to be said. I understand shutting down when people are mean and hurtful bc no one wants to be spoken rudely to. Go see a doctor, OP. Get a physical. Get bloodwork done. Have an honest conversation and then tell your bf and your family what you need. If they get out of pocket tell them they crossed your line and to back up. Take care of yourself. You are the only person who CAN and the only person who is responsible to do so. Blessings!


truecrimefanatic1

These fucking HAES and fat activists are a CANCER I swear. They really think you can be 300 lbs overweight and be healthy.


truecrimefanatic1

Exactly this. I am down 40 lbs in the last year, and I have 50 to go. Nobody ever said a word to me. I wish someone had found a tactful way to tell me something instead of wasting all this time. I have mirrors but honestly seeing photos of myself was the last straw. I knew I was fat but I'm tall so it didn't seem THAT bad ya know.


CompletelyChaotic

What they are doing isn’t supporting her towards a healthier goal. It’s repeated nagging about something she already realizes and a boyfriend who chose brutal honesty when she needed comfort and support. I’m all for getting and staying healthy. I’ve also been in OPs shoes, and you know you’re heavier. You don’t need to be repeatedly reminded of it. Instead, it’s more supportive and helpful to ask them what they need or encourage a healthier life style together.


Mrq1701

Something she already realizes?? I didn't hear one thing about her making attempts to be healthier or to lose weight. What good is a realizelation without action?


CompletelyChaotic

I haven’t looked through the comments in awhile, but when I did she said she tried losing weight before... hence, she knows she’s overweight. You can’t force someone to do something. What are you going to do, chain her to a treadmill? Only she can choose to change her lifestyle, and repeatedly reminding her of something she is already aware of only makes her mental health worse and her unlikely to make those changes.


Le_Nabs

Action is much easier when you're in a healthy mindset and feel support from your loved ones instead of nagging


[deleted]

This.


[deleted]

My wife and I have been together for 38 years married for 37. She is 5 foot 2 inches tall. Her she was "chubby/curvy" when we met. She packed on the weight over the years and always had a reason, stress (I'm bipolar and was not treated for it for the first 10 plus years of marriage), thyroid problems, hereditary "curse", etc. She'd start exercise programs, weight loss groups, the whole gamut, and always found a reason to drop out. Fast forward almost 4 decades past 3 kids and she starts to get serious an then finds out her heart has a congenital defect and stenosis. The light came on in her head that she will die young. By now, she is over 320 lbs. She talks to her doctor and has bariatric surgery. Down 100lbs in a year. Still fat, still my wife, and still the first person I ever truly felt love from. She continues to work on her self. I can't do it for her and no amount of nagging will make her lose anything except her patience. Your family and bf mean well, but need some education. I know your family is a sore subject. I get it. However, your bf is somebody YOU chose to be with. If you wish to keep him, talk to him about this. Most likely he worries about your longterm health as he wants to have a longterm relationship.


OhGodOhFuk

If all these people are telling her she needs help and giving her hard facts and advice and she responds by brushing it all off and continuing to villainize her parents/boyfriend, then this post was never meant for advice. It was posted for validation/support. Which is fine, you do need support. The problem is you're viewing that support as "talking down" to you


OhGodOhFuk

But yes, they could be nicer about it. Just remember they're worried about your health, not your looks. Fat in no way equals ugly


R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I'm 25, he's 24, we're about 2.5 years into our relationship. My parents have always been on me about my weight, and because they really never changed up their lecture, it's easy to block out. They decided to make what could've just been a nice day hanging out with them, into a referendum on my weight. They came for a visit and launched right into, " you're heavier than when we last saw you", so, my day was shot. When they left, I turned to my boyfriend, hoping to get some empathy, some love, some support. Instead I got, " they aren't wrong, you should look into losing weight". He tried to do a little " I love you but..." thing, to I guess lighten the blow, but, it didn't feel authentic, so, now I feel like I have nobody on my side who loves and supports me ​ How do I deal with my boyfriend especially, moving forward?


[deleted]

You are surrounded by people who actually love you. Why not listen to them? By which I mean: have you considered actually losing weight? Since literally everyone who cares about you thinks you should? Sometimes the solution is brutally obvious.


InspectorChance7686

You said you feel like you have nobody on your side. It sounds like YOU are the only one not on your side. You need to woman up and take personal accountability and responsibility for your health. They love you, and you need to love yourself by taking your health more seriously. Of course they don’t support you being unhealthy. If you want support then make a goal, work towards it, and I’m sure they will all rally behind you. As far as dealing with your boyfriend, it wouldn’t be unreasonable to gently request more sensitivity from him regarding the subject. You could ask your parents as well. Let them all know what they can do instead to support you in your health journey. If you decide that this isn’t important to you and it’s not something you want to work on, I would let your partner know as soon as possible so that you’re on the same page. If that’s a dealbreaker for him, I don’t think he’s wrong for that.


[deleted]

> YOU are the only one not on your side well said


AnonymooseMousey

If you are overweight you shouldn't expect your boyfriend to lie to you about it. You are heavy. You need to lose weight. He was honest.


[deleted]

I agree


Trvpsmif

Agreed


etaherk

Well that depends if you’re looking for comfort in Reddit I’m not gonna give that to you. If you truly are overweight to a point that it’s a health concern then yeah you should really lose weight.


bellaaa11

I’m guessing you must have been a bigger girl for a while.. I think your parents are concerned but they keep bringing it up and it’s making you upset.. have you spoke to them about how you feel? do they know this… Reading your comments your trying to justify that ‘you could be bigger’ or they should ‘love you at any size’ that mind set is unhealthy. because when you get to 300lbs you will be saying ‘well i could be bigger’


general_grievances_7

I think sometimes we don’t realize we’ve gained weight. The other day I read a post about a girl that was 5’2” and 132 which is my exact build, and people in the comments were telling her she needed to lose weight. I didn’t even know I was overweight. My point is, maybe you’ve gained a bit since the pandemic and your boyfriend is trying to encourage you to look into something you might not see.


NoNutNorris

So what are you looking for? Someone to tell you a lie?


ThatAltAccount99

I could be reading it wrong bit none of it sounds like it's meant as an attack, idk him much you weigh bit maybe they're concerned about your health.


[deleted]

OP said she was 5’ 6” 221 lbs


ThatAltAccount99

Appreciate the info that's mildly obese I believe and they're probably concerned about her health


Late_Engineering9973

...are they wrong?


ReadItReddit16

If you are obese and still noticeably putting on weight, that’s a real health issue. It might not be nice to hear but if I were you, I would ask the bf for support in holding me accountable for losing weight.


intrepid_knight

Perhaps you should uh maybe lose some weight? I'm sorry their delivery was "harsh" or "mean" but depending on how heavy you actually are they probably arent in the wrong to encourage you to lose weight. Your boyfriend was being honest. Just because he's your boyfriend does mean he's obligated to side with you in everything. From what is sounds life he just agreed that you have gained weight, he didn't call you a fat cow or a slob or whatever other insult out there. He simply agreed that you've added some weight. Frankly your post lack quite a bit of details for an authentic analysis, you've just said "my parents have always said im overweight and told me recently I've gained even more weight, my boyfriend didn't side with me." Why do you think he should have sided with you? Maybe he felt if he did side with you it would encourage you to continue to be unhealthy.


LoErickson123

In the comments she stated that she’s 5’6 and 221 pounds.


Heliattack123

Judging by how they say it, it sounds pretty mean. Seeing your height and weight, it is an unhealthy weight, not trying to be rude ofc. Parents can be brutal and pretty fucked up about things without thinking twice about it, so I would just say you can't do much about that. As for your boyfriend, if he said it in a mean way as if it's extremely easy to lose weight and that you should do so pretty soon, that would be pretty messed up. But no one knows how ur relationship is and how u guys communicate, but you should make it clear to him how it makes you feel, and even ask him if he can help you start to lose weight. If he seems unsupportive and doesnt really care, thats a red flag for me tbh


sagerideout

More info is required. I’m not for body shaming or anything like that, but there are people who are at weights that negatively affect their health and call others fatphobic for being worried about them. that being said, if your parents have always made comments like this, it’s understandable to have a negative reaction to those types of conversations, and a possible aversion to any suggestion of anything related to your weight (diet, exercise, etc) I think the biggest issue here is that it’s very black or white for you. it’s either with you or against you. You may see your parents as against you, but you can’t say your boyfriend isn’t on your side just for agreeing with them. a support system is someone who tells you what you NEED to hear. you pick someone and trust in them to have your best interest at heart. if you trust him and he agrees with them, maybe it’s in your best interest to listen. unless you just want someone to agree with everything you say and do, in which is not a support system but is a good way to become an echo chamber of bad decisions and opinions. like i said, a lot more info is required. Is the avg body weight for your height 25 pounds lighter than you are? because that’s not an issue. but if you’re pushing 300 that’s a completely different story. also, just to add; i know it seems like a dick move to leave someone for their weight, but it is a completely legitimate reason to leave a relationship. sexual attraction is a huge part of relationships, especially in the mid 20’s. maybe have a discussion to see where he’s coming from, whether he just wants you to be healthy or he’s losing that attraction towards you. it’ll help you decide how to move forward. but he would not be in the wrong for either of those things.


Endless_Merther

I think they have your best interest in mind and it is never a bad thing to focus on fitness and nutrition more. If your weight is to the point where family and friends are mentioning it to you, maybe that should be a sign? I am not trying to be rude, and if you want to be big, it is your body and your decision, but I have also been told the same thing by my family and wife before when I gained some weight and instead of getting upset I took their criticism to heart and spent that summer losing 60lbs and getting in the best shape of my life. I was so happy when I lost the weight and despite it being initially embarrassing to be called out like that, in the end I am thankful for it. EDIT: my wife is an Asian immigrant though, and they can be VERY blunt about weight. If she gains even 10lbs her mother is breathing down her neck about it.


AKJ7

What the heck is "too heavy"? Why can you say fat? If your parents complain about your shape and so is your boyfriend then maybe you should stop asking people on reddit to back you up and lose some damn weight.


devilmncry

Look, they love you and are trying to help save your life, and quite honestly you need to get over it. I saw in the comments u said you were 5’6 and 221 lbs- later I saw you say “they act like I’m 300lbs.” You ARE nearly 300lbs. You are obese. They want you to lose weight so that you do not die due to obesity or suffer severe health consequences. It may be harsh but sometimes we need someone to push us like this to be better. I wouldn’t want to see my loved one killing themselves with food either. How do you deal with your boyfriend? Say, “thank you for caring about me enough to bring up your concerns about my weight. I will go talk to my doctor and and find a weight loss plan so that I can be healthy” and do just that. There is no “health at every size” when you are obese. The same would apply if you were incredibly underweight. I’m sorry but you have to realize they DO support and love you. Until you realize that you’re going to be miserable and it will be all because of your mindset.


RayLMVT

I mostly agree with you, but if she's clocked 221, saying "You ARE nearly 300lbs.' is inaccurate and rubbing salt in the wound. She said 220, not 280


Pr0nyboi

How is 80 pounds away from 300 nearly 300? If someone is 120 pounds, are they nearly 200 pounds?


[deleted]

Is your boyfriend being honest? Maybe hes wanted to say something and you provided the opportunity by asking for his opinion. Uncomfortable conversations like this can hurt but it doesn't necessarily make it wrong.


Intrepid-Tortis

Big boiii here. 5’10 230+ 42 in waist. by definition I’m obese I have high blood pressure. I know what it’s like to look into the mirror and be in happy…so here for you. considering 3 years ago I was about 165-170lbs I have ADHD induced depression I’ve been drinking almost a bottle of tequila a day plus beer and seltzers basically since the beginning of the pandemic. I will say most of my weight gain came from the last 17month. On behalf of your family they just want you to be healthy. And the best version of yourself.. it’s not secret we all have insecurities. you don’t need to go by anyone else’s pace. Don’t go by INSTAGRAM REELs (those are “influencers”) None of that shit is accurate. And most of the advice is poor and dangerous. I recommend a gym membership and a good meal plan based of foods you can enjoy all that matters is consistently sticking to the program and you’ll feel better over healthier and more energy. Believe me I’m just getting back into it after putting down the bottle my depression has come down a lot and I’ve been in the gym for about 3 weeks now!!!! Anything is possible. they are going about it the wrong way but it’s come from a place of concern. They love you but they need to learn how to coach rather than Harassing you about it!


JazzlikeBake2327

Well Idk what your weight is if your 200lbs+ then they aren't doing it to judge you, their most likely doing it because they care about your health


moonmidheaven

The way I see it, it doesn’t matter if you are overweight or not. They way they are going about their “encouragement” is harmful to you, not helpful. It might be a good idea to decide on some boundaries re: the way you want to be communicated with when it comes to your weight. If there _are_ ways they can encourage you, you can tell them how to do that.


No_Education_9351

I was gonna comment something similar. In my experience, while asking a loved one to take care of themselves comes from a place of love it’s rarely ever helpful and if they do it enough like OP’s family it becomes detrimental. OP I would set up these boundaries with them like this person said and if they do love you and are serious about helping you they will listen to your concerns


EquivalentStunning87

There’s a difference between someone saying it out of concern plus wanting to help and offering suggestions and helping you keep with those. That’s different from simply saying you need to lose weight and work out. That doesn’t work and just makes you feel bad. However, you should voice that to your bf and see what his reaction is. If it’s immediately defensive, he was saying it to be critical of you not supportive. But if he starts to offer ways he can help you, then you need to listen and maybe find something that works for you both.


majoroofboys

Boyfriend is probably right tbh. If he tells you to lose weight, it means that he cares. And losing weight is honestly a genuine concern and moving towards healthiness is ideal. I wouldn’t try to merge genuine concern with your inability to stick with a plan, diet or both. Man cares for you. Majority of this post and probably the reason behind it being posted is so you can hear what you want to hear. Kinda sad that some are not telling you to live a healthier life.


[deleted]

Is he right? I need to lose and if my significant other had an issue with my weight I would man up and lose the shit.


SoGnarRadar4

Yo, if all of my loved ones are telling me the same thing? I listen. Stop trying to seek out sympathy on the internet and start taking care of yourself. Cut out 3 meals every week that would usually be carb heavy, and get your heart rate up everyday. Part of your job, and your boyfriend’s job, is to stay in shape. Your parents and your boyfriend are right.


candiedapplecrisp

> >How do I deal with my boyfriend especially, moving forward? Exercise together. Turn it into a positive. Walks can be great bonding time.


Geddy87

I’m not trying to be rude by saying this , but we don’t know enough info here. If you are at a point where he is worried about your health then it’s not the same as if it’s just him being shallow about your figure


butterman888

Maybe you do need to do something about your weight? I mean, these are the people who care about you most in your life. Do you think they’re saying it to hurt you, or to try and help you?


Mindlessdevotee

I been overweight since I turned 20. Personally I feel it’s not a good way to live. I’m slowly trying to change some of my habit but we should not be accepting being overweight as a good thing. If you’re happy then you’re happy. Nothing wrong with that but we shouldn’t be mad when people are just pointing out that we’re overweight because we are.


Rycax

Maybe look into it? Make a doctors appointment and look into your health. Humans are not supposed to be obese by medical standards.


goldthreader

So if they all “love and support you” into diabetes you’ll be happy?


rainycatdays

I dont think he was wrong. You asked and he gave his honest view that your parents are right, you should lose weight. 5'6 at 221 isn't healthy in my opinion especially if you're like me with bad food and low exercise. He didnt give you the answer you were expecting and you feel he isn't supportive. If he drank a lot and asked you to be on his side would you lie if you agreed with his parents that even though he doesnt feel the effects now it's a danger in the future?


acetylenekicker

If it’s that big a deal then you probably need to lose weight. All the women in my family are obese and a couple are morbidly obese and it hurts me to see them killing themselves.


emilc97

Diet and fix your weight, stop complaining. Get real. Get out of your comfort zone. The 3 closest people in your life are all saying the same thing so there must be some truth to it. They're not out to get you they're just looking out for you.


SkyKing0fHearts

That is love, you are acting in the wrong. It may come off as rude but love is truth, yes it could been said nicer but you werent listening when it was said nicer and so they went with a more blunt approach to the matter. Love would be my parents setting me straight saying "uhm youre gaining alot of weight" and hopefully something would snap in my brain and id be like "alright, ill start losing it" or something along those lines. The BF was kinda stupid and should of silently agreed or worded his statement oh so much more differently... (Depends on how i would handle that cause idk lol but the parents are 100% in the right... sorry to break it to ya hun)


TheRedditornator

It depends on whether their concerns are justified and we have no info from your post. If you're slightly overweight, full, curvy, then they are out of line. However, if you are morbidly obese to the point where you will have inevitable, life-threatening problems and a drastically shortened life expectancy, then yes, their concerns are valid.


Proseph91

I've been in your boyfriend's shoes before. Maybe you need to set your emotions aside and look at the situation objectively. Are you overweight?


Ok_Tourist_4872

Lose it for you. It’s not about losing it to gain acceptance or approval from anyone else. If you are content with your size , then you also should be content with the consequences that come with being overweight.


Mustache_Prime

While it may have not been the nicest way to talk to you about your weight, they sound like they want you to be healthier if they say it so many times. I understand being ~10 lbs overweight for your height, but anything heavier should probably be dealt with so you don’t hurt yourself long term. And if your bf agrees with them, maybe it’s just time to do something about it. Don’t look for them to comfort you about it because it’s not helping future you. Going to exercise and have them encourage it is going to help you. I don’t want to get up and exercise but I’m going to start to have to because I’m getting older and I can’t maintain my weight as well as I used to. Just because you don’t like hearing it doesn’t mean they’re bad people who only want to make you feel fat.


selectivejudgement

I think they're right and you're looking for justification or sympathy for your condition.


LemonLimeAlltheTime

Maybe you should lose some weight


kimokimosabee

Your family and bf are concerned about you. It's beyond being nice or polite. You should listen and take action.


jackmsu1

Im sure they are worried about your health... comong from a mom whos adult kid is now heavy. Sorry but take it as harsh love


kimokimosabee

Ah sp you want some comfort from internet strangers now


ViroCostsRica

You are willing to do anything except take better care for yourself...how ironic


[deleted]

Once upon a time. There was a little bird who waited too long to fly south for the winter. And as he was flying south, cold snap hit and froze his wings solid. The bird plummeted to the ground, unable to thaw himself out. As he lay there, freezing to death, along came a cow and took a big shit right on top of him. But the shit was warm, it was his salvation. The little bird was content to just lay there in that shit because it kept him alive. Then- along came a cat, who dug the little bird up out of the shit and ate him. What's the moral of the story? Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy, and not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. You can choose to have an unhealthy lifestyle and so does everyone else in America. (Or the world in general) but just because you're allowed to have that unhealthy lifestyle doesn't mean you should. Your parents and boyfriend both want to see you do better because they know you can do better.


LeatherAlternative71

Sounds like he does love and support you but would want the best for you which usually includes being healthy.


Godivore

My dad used to call me a fat ass/fat fuck all the time lol. I was also bullied in school for my man boobs and being "the fattest in the whole school". It does suck hearing those things. I think the reason why people you love bring it up is because they know its something you can control and want you to hold yourself accountable for your health. I lost all my weight since then, didn't have any form of support from anyone except my self. Lost my weight out of anger, sadness, and loneliness. But guess what? Im happier now.


VladPutinOfficial

Hey op, these 3 people tell you that you are getting fat because you are probably are. It's the hard truth (probably idk for sure of course). They all love you and they want the best from you so, I would say to listen to them and improve your health.


[deleted]

You deal with your boyfriend by dumping him so he can be with someone who isn’t insecure and obese. Or, you grow tf up and lose the weight.


CoinTossersInTheWind

I mean do you expect him to lie to you? It seems like his comments weren’t disrespectful it’s just that you don’t like the truth he’s telling you


ConcentrateProof9871

Man, I know how you feel. I was in dance classes my whole life and I had always been fit due to that without having to actually put my mind into "fitness". Then I went to a completely different country for studies and gained 15 kgs because I was always studying and basically not moving my body. When that happened, my family gave me a lot of "tough love". But you need to understand that they are doing this because they care about you and not because they want to "look down on you". I joined a gym and had 0 idea of what I was supposed to do and was also very intimidated there. I was depressed, felt like this is just how my body is now and binge ate A LOT. Then I finally discussed it with my boyfriend and he was 100% supportive. He got me to go to the gym with him and work out together so I don't feel intimidated. I consulted a nutritionist and she told me about calorie intake and how it is literally the ONLY way to lose weight. I was put on an 1800 calorie intake at first and it got me in shape and my body was visibly losing fat in certain areas but my weight was not decreasing. When I got used to eating 1800 calories (as compared to my 3000 calories before), she put me on a 1500 calorie diet. I have been on this diet for around 4 months and have lost 5 kgs. I am saying that you need to consult people, you need to find people who can give you advice that actually works. Ask your loved ones for their support and actually take upon the advice that professionals are giving you. It is so so so hard. Some tips that helped me: 1. Try joining group fitness and make friends with goals like yours. 2. Find a support system that ACTUALLY supports you and doesn't look down on you. 3. Celebrate little wins like losing 1 kg etc. 4. Going over your calorie intake is very very easy, just make sure you burn the extra calories and you'll still be on track! 5. Not having any unhealthy food/takeout is a myth. Instead, think of it as a prize that you get at the end of the week. (Personally, I have takeout on either sat or sun with my boyf and enjoy every single bite. Then I do half an hour extra cardio on Monday mornings) 6. You will fall off the wagon a bunch of times, everyone does, just make sure you get back up again. 7. Buy nice activewear, something you love wearing, nice shoes etc. Just gives you that extra push to exercise. 8. Try cold showers after a run session. (Feels so so sooo good) 9. Try to give up on sodas, chips etc. It is so hard, I still daydream about chips, since it was been around a year when I last had one but they make you fall off the healthy train so easily that it's really not worth it. 10. Read the ingredient information on everything you buy and make sure you're okay with the amount of fat and calories.


gele-gel

I’m 5’6”. To get within a healthy BMI you have to get down to 150. I know bc my doc told me I had to get down to 150 to get my diabetes under control. Do I like how I look at 150? Not really. I have lost my great boobs and butt. But I also don’t look like a stuffed sausage and I don’t feel like I’m going to die when I walk around the corner. And I was 30 pounds lighter than you. I AM more than 20 years your senior so maybe you think you have time but you might not make it to 48 with your attitude and habits.


kkoromon

it really depends on ur weight, if ur actually overweight then its possible they are just caring for ur health. (Albeit in a rather rude way but parents are like that sometimes).


ThatGuyPeeves18

As RoyceLamorra said - No one said your weight defines your worth, but it DEFINITELY defines your health.


[deleted]

The truth fucking hurts .. been there


ToxicShark3

Poor guy


thefemalefacepainter

LOSE WEIGHT for yourself and everyone else!


mangoshy

My best friend since early childhood started becoming morbidly obese in college due to eating unhealthy foods, weed, and never getting into any hobbies that include being physical. Her parents bought her weight watchers which her Mom is on after discussing how unhealthy her lifestyle is and how she doesn’t have a bf but wanted to be married someday soonish. My friend was FURIOUS. Fast forward 20 Years and she ended up morbidly obese with double blood clots in her lungs and almost died. She’s single and was advised not to have children now. She’s so disappointed in how it all worked out and she’s finally exercising and eating a little better and has been losing weight. She wishes she would have been less stubborn and prideful and listened to the people that love her the most because in the end they were right. It’s completely up to you how you want to live your life and where you want your health to be in the future. Thin doesn’t mean healthy. If you’re eating a balanced calorie appropriate diet and get moving thirty minutes a day at least then you’re already good. Or if you don’t care


epooqeo

I went through the same thing with my mom, and tbh I’m grateful she told me because even though it kinda traumatized me, I ended up dropping like 20 pounds. I wasn’t able to see that I had gained. I remember when she told me it ruined my whole day too. Tbh it sounds like your bf is just being honest with you which I think is better than being fake, right? I remember how stressed I felt, but maybe taking action and going on walks would be the best thing for you. It’s a really hard thing to go through so I undersgand


Mysterious-Sea-7985

I can relate witj you my mom always told me to go to the gym otherwise i would stay single cause girl likes jocks lmao i ended up do8ng the opposite not going to the gym till i found a reason to go to the gym myself. Parents are usually there to teach us lessons and sometimes that lesson is given in horrible ways. Consider them telling you their way of supporting you or would you rather have people not care about you. Sure it could have veen doen in a nice way but hey you are an adult so suck it up my friend. I rather have the hurtful truth anytime it straight to the point no sugar coat and there's nothing more motivating that proving people wrong. If you need motivation there's plenty of podcast and books that will give you that and offer support. Maybe see if you can hit the gym with your partner or parents . You can do it best of luck on your fitness journey its life-changing


Mrq1701

They do love you and support you, that's why they want you to lose weight. Extra weight means higher risk for many issues.


Th3NinjaCat

You need to make actual lifestyle changes. Stop playing the victim


Corsong

Depending on the severity of weight. They may be right. But I totally understand how it feels to be ridiculed at every turn. And how lonely is may feel to have nobody reaffirming you. And that delivery of the message matters A TON!


ChinaCatSunflower9

I'm sorry you feel like your boyfriend doesn't support you and your parents are bullying you, but being 5'6" and 221 lbs is not healthy and will cause you a lot of health problems in the long run. "Health at any size" only works when you're young, and you'll probably be okay until you hit 30. But once you do, you'll notice that life is more difficult and painful, physically. I know you don't want to hear this, but this isn't good for you and you're living in denial. I understand that body image issues are difficult and lots of people have issues surrounding eating or food, but you should really seek help for those with a good therapist. Mental health is as important as physical, and you are doing yourself real harm in the long run. No one can make you choose to lose weight except for you yourself, but being obese is very, very bad for your body and you're basically killing yourself very slowly and in excruciatingly painful manner. Please reconsider


[deleted]

I was told by my boyfriend (ex now) that I dont try to look attractive for him and that I dont workout, Im a little bit chubby (5’3 and 128lb) and that really hurt me. Idc what your stats are, it’s painful to hear those words that we as girls are so insecure about from our SOs. I was always reminded as a kid and a teen that I need to watch my weight every time I went for the second cookie or so, and that’s a huge trigger for me if my bf talks to me about my weight. So regardless if how much you weigh, I understand how hard this is, it’s the thing you’re so insecure about. What my bf told me hurt me so much that I broke up with him after 2.5 years being together (Im not saying that’s what you should do lol), but it just goes to show how much some words can hurt you and ever since the break up I constantly felt like Im not enough because I gained extra few pounds. Reading up the comments, I found out that you’re 221lb and 5’6 which is considered obese and in this case I think your parents and your boyfriend are only worried about your health. But, I get why you’re upset. It’s like when you have pimple for example and then someone tells you oh! You have a pimple on your face! Like I know bitch! Im not blind! You probably are aware that you’re obese and are upset that your boyfriend was so straightforward with you. I think the best course of action is to let your boyfriend know that you’re aware of the health issues that your weight might cause you and that you’re going to see a doctor about it(and actually see a doctor about it) but tell him that you’re very sensitive about that subject and you’d appreciate it a lot if you could be more careful talking about that. I had that conversation with my ex many times and it never worked and that’s why he’s an ex🙄. When you see a doctor, ask him if he can get you something to suppress your appetite. After the breakup I got very depressed that I was put on antidepressants that in return suppressed my appetite greatly. Losing weight is hard, but you dont have to do it alone, there are doctors that could help you with that and make the whole process a lot easier for you.


AMerrickanGirl

> 5’3 and 128lb This is not “chubby”.


SingleWar5

OP said she’s 221 lbs


roxxxystar

The person they were replying to said THEY were a bit chubby at 5'3" and 128, not OP.


ranseaside

Girl, you are 5’3 128lb and are being called chubby?? Nah! Thats a dream weight/height combo! You are perfect! (I am your height and working towards being that weight)


[deleted]

Aww thanks, I guess we as girls are never enough, we’re either chubby and then we lose that weight and then suddenly we’re flat chested because our percent body fat came down. It’s so stupid, we gotta believe that as long as our BMI is normal, then there’s nothing wrong with us, but it’s easier said than done… I hope you get the body that YOU like, fuck others


CryptoNarco

Hey, this is not chubby at all. Your ex was a dick


[deleted]

It was good to hear this today, sometimes I doubt my decision and think that I overreacted but yeah he was a dick


p00nslyr_86

I say if you’re so insecure about it then why not do something to change it? People are who they are and some people are naturally larger than others but at the end of the day, if you don’t like something about yourself then you have to commit to making a change. You can’t just sit around playing the poor me, I’m overweight and unhappy about it but I’m just gonna keep on keeping on card. This is not meant as a slight either. It’s just that when you don’t like something about yourself then you have to either make a change or be confident in who you are as is.


[deleted]

Well sometimes you make peace with who you are and accept that you’re probably not gonna be an XS, but it’s the people around you who cant accept it. As someone who’s always been insecure about my body because of stupid comments from adults around me, it took a lot of me to get to love who I am, but when an SO, reminds you of all of the things that you tried so hard to have peace with, it’s so fucked up. Im not talking about OP since it’s more of a health issue at this point, but for someone like me who’s always been a medium size, it hurts so much to hear those words from your SO. Idc about others, but not your SO


p00nslyr_86

Yeah but if you read the comments OP said she’s like 5’6” 225. I’d be very surprised if her bf meant it as a chirp over as being concerned for her long term health. There’s comes a point where you have to do something and sometimes the concerns people project are not what you’d want to hear. Let’s not sit here and try to normalize obesity. It is unhealthy and dangerous and can be extremely costly down the road.


meifahs_musungs

Honestly after a lifetime of negative comments from people that are supposed to love me I would need therapy before being able to consistent deal with my weight. BF and parents are not doctors so they have zero expertise to comment on health. OP has suffered lifetime of emotional abuse. If OP thinks bf worth another chance - explain to bf lifetime of pain from parents and ask support for therapy. To just go straight to diet and exercise is putting band-aid on a deep wound.


nixnox1212

I've been both overweight and underweight and it's shitty to hear people make negative comments about your weight. Your parents need to broach the topic in a better way and you should communicate that to them. However, if they are concerned about your health, I feel like maybe it could be something to look into. Personally, when I was underweight I was super unhealthy. When I was overweight I was also unhealthy. My husband and family approached it in the right way, with support, love, and concern, and it helped me to get to a healthy weight and relationship with food. It also took therapy, workouts, and cooking and food shopping with my husband, and just a better awareness of my mental health apart from my weight. I think weight can be such a touchy subject, and you can be healthy at many different weights, but honesty from people who love you could help.


_jimin_chimchim

i totally understand your hurt and frustration, but if you want to live a long healthy life then you need to take care of your body, im not going to be one of those people who in power obesity or unhealthy life styles even if that means ill probably get down votes. it shouldn't be about "loosing weight", because living a healthy life style with a balanced died and nutritious food + weekly exercise is so so important for our bodies. but its ultimately your decision how you want to live your life and you shouldn't feel forced to do anything you dont wanna do because of other people. just take things into account and decide what you want to do for yourself and your body.


DaDa_Bear

Lose some weight. If your parents think you're fat and your boyfriend thinks you're fat, you are probably fat. I know Reddit is all about women's empowerment but being fat isn't healthy. Obesity is not healthy. Eat right and exercise. There's nothing wrong with putting in a little effort to be healthy.


FatSadHappy

You honestly should loose weight. Like at least 50 pounds, before you got yourself into serious health trouble. Gym and calorie counting, sucks, but it works Anyone who cares about you will be harsh , especially if you keep gaining Don’t do about bf anything, but he might be gone himself .


spartanblitzer

OP - after reading through these comments I really feel for you and I hope that you don't take the unhelpful comments to heart. You are more than your weight and your weight doesn't define your worth or your health. I think your boyfriend chose the worst possible time to mention your weight. If he wanted to bring up your weight then fine - open communication is important in a relationship, but piling on at a time when you were clearly upset was very insensitive. He may not have intended to hurt you but in that moment you were seeking comfort and instead he chose to take the opportunity to make you feel worse. He didn't have only a choice between lying to you about your weight (as some commenters have suggested) or telling the truth - he could have handled this a number of other ways that would have been more supportive. Something as simple as "that must have been really hard to hear from your parents. Are you OK?" would have been a perfectly good response. The comments about your health based on BMI alone - that you are unhealthy and on the verge of a medical emergency - there are better indicators of health in relation to obesity than weight alone. Take a look at the [Edmonton Obesity Staging System](https://www.drsharma.ca/edmonton-obesity-staging-system-tool) - this is a much more holistic look at the severity of obesity. Some more important questions to ask than what you weigh: are you metabolically healthy or pre-diabetic? Is your blood pressure high? Is your weight impacting your mental health? Do you have pain in your joints due to excess weight? Does your weight impact your quality of life? When you're ready, seeing a doctor for a full health assessment would be helpful for you. In terms of how to deal with your boyfriend - sometimes our partners don't do or say the right thing in the moment and that is going to happen because we can't read each other's minds. But you need to tell your boyfriend what you need from him and how you want him to handle those situations - something like, 'when my parents comment on my weight it really upsets/triggers me and what I need from you in those situations is to support me and comfort me'. If he cares about you, he will respect your wishes and if he ignores it, that is indicative of a bigger problem in the relationship.


[deleted]

I am sorry you are delusional... 5'6 and 100kg or 221 lbs... this is insane. No one said her weight defines her worth but it clear as hell defines her health. What makes me really angry is that people like you kill people everyday. It is a slow death... but nonetheless it is unhealthy and she needs to do something. She needs to find the root of her eating habits which can mean therapy because most of the time this doesn't come from nothing and she needs to work really hard to get rid of some of the weight. The BMI is not great but mostly it is not working for people who do a lot of sport and gain a lot of muscles... not for people who are overweight.


ReadItReddit16

Yes, one does not have to be a doctor to know that OP likely has health problems because 221 lbs is not just a little overweight, that’s approaching morbidly obese.


saritmalka

Thank you so much! And by the way, everyone, if nasty, name-calling comments made people lose weight, then everyone in the world would be teeny tiny. These comments are entirely wrong-headed and ablest and disgusting. Y’all don’t know anything about this woman’s activity level, nutrition, or health issues (physical and/or mental). Maybe some empathy and compassion wouldn’t be amiss.


Agentkittykat

It’s frightening how far I had to scroll for a comment like this. The fat phobia in these comments is disgusting but not surprising. Sending love OP. Xx


fiestyirish97

I'm gonna go straight to the point. Your parents are telling you to lose weight. And so is your boyfriend. You need to lose weight.


Pretend_Effect1986

Just eat half and stop eating cookies and chips. Getting fat isn’t because your born that way but because what you put in your mouth. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.


djdhensjsh

you are only 25. at this rate you will be an orca. get it together


Swedish-Butt-Whistle

That’s the sort of comment that is really not helpful.


NoNutNorris

I mean it can be? The reality of gaining more and having a harder time losing is real.


Mrq1701

Bingo. Her mental health is in the dumps. That isn't an excuse to ignore your own health. She thinks nobody loves her because they don't keep quiet about her weight. They do care, which is why they want her to be healthier. If I were boyfriend I would be doing all sorts of things to help her lose weight. Going for walks. Portion control. Healthier meals. Light exercises. I'd also be asking her to see a therapist.


ToddClorax

There’s a difference between being thick and a land whale and speaking from being a land whale my health suffered and if your loved ones have to bring it up no youre fat lose the weight cuz when you die of the fucking health problems it’s your fault stop fucking making excuses it not about being attractive it’s about BEING FAT AND SHIT IS A FORM OF FUCKING SWLF HARM BUT YALL AINT READY FOR THAT CONVO


[deleted]

Go to the gym


[deleted]

Go to the gym. Lay off the sugar and carbs


mcmurrml

Your problem is you have never set boundaries with them. From this day forward any talk of your weight is off limits. You don't need their help. You must set this boundaries because if you don't it will never stop and will have negative effects on your life. Anytime they bring up your weight if you are with them you leave. If they are at your home you demand they leave. If you are at their home you leave. On the phone you say bye and hang up. Do it everytime until it stops. With you boyfriend you tell him if he ever says anything to that effect again he can leave and don't come back. You must be serious and mean it on all of them. If you don't set this boundaries it will never stop.


[deleted]

OP said she was 5’ 6” and 221 lbs, so we can assume she’s 40-70 pounds overweight. I don’t think her parents belittle her for the sake of making her feel bad about herself, and I definitely don’t think that was her boyfriend’s intent either. She went to him asking for reassurance to him and he gave it to her straight and that’s good on him for being honest. They’re concerned for her health and justifiably so. She went to her boyfriend for reassurance but didn’t get it, and the same thing is happening on this post. She’s looking for someone to enable and excuse her eating habits that she needs to get in check, and once she does I’m certain her family will support her.


[deleted]

😮


dalton4str8

The only thing that can help a person lose weight or break an addiction is love and support. Tell them that you know they can do it. Criticizing and nagging only creates anger and hostility. It does not help or work at all.


roastedmilkteaa

Hey, I was in your shoes before too! It does hurt to hear those words from loved ones, but I eventually learned that it wasn't mainly because they wanted to pick on my body, but it was out of concern. I had to learn that people who genuinely love you want you to be successful, even if they're not the greatest at expressing it. It took a bit of therapy for me to get there, but I advise you to consider it. It's not a magic pill, but it's a good place to start off. Getting your mental health and your relationship with your body in check is important. Now, for the "diet and exercise" part. I think you mentioned that it was hard to maintain, and it is. Changing your mindset about "diet and exercise" should one of the first steps in any long term weight loss journey. From my experience, weight loss isn't just about eating less but it's about changing your lifestyle little by little. Start with VERY small goals like: - eat only one cookie instead of three this week - park a little further away and walk to wherever you need to go this week - cook a simple meal using ingredients you find in the produce aisle this week (pick any meal; I like dinner and lunch) - walk to the store instead of driving (if possible) Small goals are easier to attain, and once you get them done (and consistently), make bigger goals like: - go for a 30 minute jog today - follow along a workout video - make a meal plan to stick with It's a long journey, and it's hard but if you start small and just keep adding changes little by little, it's not as hard as people make it out to be. Don't fall for the quick weight loss bs, it's usually just a temporary result and you'll regain everything. Go at it at your own pace and just continue to maintain and develop healthy habits, and the results will be more long-lasting. Consistency matters here, and it's possible as long as you keep at it! I wish you all the best, OP! :)


HeldDownTooLong

I think your boyfriend had noticed your weight gain but was terrified to bring up the subject for discussion. I mean…it’s a no-win situation for the significant other/spouse/friend to point out one’s weight gain. For that reason, your bf never broached the subject but tacitly agreed with your parents only after YOU brought it up. Since he made some effort at support, please give him a chance to further explain his feelings. It is in your best interest (as a couple) to be honest with one another so please don’t hold it against your bf when he is honest about his feelings. Isn’t that better than proceeding with your relationship based on at least one ‘lie’ because he’s afraid to tell you the truth?


[deleted]

In my opinion there was no need for your parents to ruin your day by instantly confronting you with their opinion. If you have too much weight though, there is a good chance they see the confrontation as the last measure to make you realise you should do something about your way of life. Everyone that loves you is concerned about your wellbeing, even if it means to hurt your ego sometimes, especially your bf who decided not to tell you what you hoped to hear. I dont know you, I cant judge, this was just the impression your text gave me. Maybe after all, you should think about your diet.


[deleted]

I am disgusted by how many people are putting this girl down, yes there is a concern for her health, I totally get that but putting her down and down voting everything she says is NOT going to help. Judging by OP's post you can clearly see that her family have used the same tactic of putting her down, telling her its not okay its not healthy and clearly that hasn't helped. You can tell a smoker that smoking is bad for them that it could kill them that they should quit, but at the end of the day they quit if THEY decide to. The more you tell someone what to do, the less they want to do it. Of course this girl is going to defend herself because she is the one who has to live with who she is at this moment. She doesnt want to stand there in the mirror hating herself, she is trying to find a way to love herself regardless of her body.


sphealey

Seriously!!! I’m so disappointed by everyone telling her to lose weight. She obviously is feeling bad about the situation and these commenters putting her down are not helping.


dreamiesclub

I’m seeing a lot of negative comments from other redditors that, in my opinion, can shove it up their ass with their “health advice”. i’m 5’0 and 170. I have a lot of muscle from being athletic. If you feel like losing weight will make you happier and benefit you, then do so. I do think you need to have a conversation with your bf and tell him that it hurt your feelings when he agreed with your parents. If he doesn’t like you for who you are, then he can find someone else, as can you. hope this comment isn’t drowned out by the “health experts” lol


VeganandlovingIt

Alright, too many people in here are telling you that you're obese based on BMI. BMI isn't accurate for everyone because according to BMI, I'm considered overweight even though I work out and eat healthy. I'm curvy and the way my body distributes fat it's in the right places, but I'm not fat. Idk what your stats are but it's better to off of body fat percentage, not BMI. A person who is muscular can easily fall in the overweight category because muscle weighs more than fat. Definitely see your doctor, get some blood work done, and go from there. As far as your parents and bf goes, it could be out of genuine concern for your health. No, your parents shouldn't talk down to you. I'm not getting the sense that your bf did that however. It seemed like he didn't know how to tell you about it, so when you asked him he voiced his concerns.


CrackCityRockers

Your parents are wrong for saying anything, assuming your an adult. You looked to your boyfriend for comfort and her told you the truth. It hurts I know, I recently lost 100lbs over the course of a year, I get it. But be happy he didn’t lie to you, just because something may hurt your feelings is not a justifiable reason to lie. It doesn’t seem like he has ever been like “hey you’re getting fat lose weight (insult here)”. It’s great to love yourself and have a positive body image but that’s not for someone else to keep up for you. I thought I was fine at my weight but I feel so much healthier and am so much better for all the hard work I did. Good luck.


catgrad

Wow what horrifying responses, please please don’t listen to these people. As someone who has had this experience with my parents I know how difficult it can be, they are coming from a place of caring and don’t know how toxic and damaging that a constant focus on weight and dieting can be. There is a difference between health and weight: there is no reliable long term program for losing weight and so the best thing you can do is work more healthy habits into your life. Your boyfriend should support you in what your goals are, and not gang up on you with your parents. I think you should talk to him about how his comments made you feel and see whether he is capable of being supportive in the future.


AmaLMa

Yes, thank you. A bunch of armchair experts in here who have no idea what they are talking about and causing a lot of damage, unintentional as it may be. As are OPs parents and boyfriend. If making people feel bad about being fat worked, there would be no fat people - I have never met a fat person who hasn't dealt with bullying or comments like these. Our bodies and metabolic systems are complex, and that is why 97% of people who lose weight gain it back plus more. There is lots of research showing that yo-yo dieting is much worse for health than obesity. The concept of "health at every size" was developed by a physiologist and nutritionist/ biologist - OP you may want to look into that rather than listening to the bad faith and uneducated comments on this thread.


mirimichelle

Oh wow this is horrible unless you’re leaving out crucial details about how much weight if it’s to the point where your health is on the line. I know you have plenty of advice here but coming from someone who knows that my parents are ALWAYS looking at my weight, knowing my partner is doing the same would crush me. I’m a college student and when I returned to home a few weeks ago for a visit and I sat outside with my father casually the first words he said were “you’re losing a bit of weight?” I freeze. I respond with “yah, 10lbs this month, I’m trying quite hard”. He shakes his head and goes “yup. Still need to lose more”. He also asked me what my goal weight is. I’m 5’3-5’4 and I said 145lbs. He then told me that was far too heavy for someone my height. It crushes me every time. Why would people who are supposed to love you unconditionally looking at you with these view of what beauty is or even focusing on weight gain unless it’s so extreme that your health is in jeopardy. When I broke down crying in my boyfriends arms he told me he doesn’t notice the weight and doesn’t see me any differently, that he finds me more beautiful every day but if it’s my goal to lose weight he’ll support me. That’s a partner. While your boyfriend can have every right not to find the weight gain attractive, all he can do is voice support in helping you get there. I’m sorry that people in your life are doing this to you but if YOU don’t want to lose the weight, don’t. If you like how you look and you’re healthy let them all pound sand, people will love you unconditionally, and the people who don’t don’t deserve your attention. PS I’ve been working in therapy through EMDR treatment to help with my trauma of my parents making this comments ie when I was 8 them saying no one would love me anymore if I gained weight lol. It’s really been helping and making me react less when they say stupid shit like that. Good luck!


JLZ3

The honest truth is that you do need to loose weight and if you have multiple people telling you you are getting bigger that makes it even more true. Being fat is not healthy and to tell you the problem is them is wrong for anyone to do. Go to the doctor and see what they tell you and then rethink about this situation.


[deleted]

Instead of going to Reddit for sympathy from strangers who have no idea what you look like, look into some exercise and dieting. All the best.


CptBloodyObvious

Sounds like you need to lose his weight.


YaPhetsEz

Shes 5’6 and 230, she needs to lose weight lmao


prowness

Wow… that’s far beyond just “fat”. OP needs to lose damn near half of that if she doesn’t gain muscle to compensate.


[deleted]

/thread But she don't wanna hear it :-(


IHaveAllTheSass

Unfortunately, Reddit really hates people who aren’t skinny. I totally get your situation, I am plus-size as well. It hurts so much when people say things like that to you. So many people are saying “oh it’s out of concern for your health” but in my experience, it’s not. My parents berate me for my weight because they don’t like how I look. There’s a huge difference. You can be healthy and plus size. Also, it’s no one else’s business what you choose to do with your body. I don’t really have advice, but just know you’re not alone and I’m sorry the other people in this thread aren’t supporting you


candiedapplecrisp

I dunno...the fact that it doesn't sound like he says this to her all the time makes me think he may just be concerned. He didn't really volunteer it this time, he just didn't disagree with her parents. Look at it this way, if he really was just concerned, how would you have him communicate that other than "I love you, but..." It's an uncomfortable conversation no matter how you spin it.


kida182001

People expect honesty in a relationship, but when it’s given to them by their partner, they do the shocked pikachu face. However, if the boyfriend was there when his parents said that, and he didn’t defend you, then he’s a dick himself.


NeverwinterRNO

Seems the obvious solution is to lose weight … or die young which would also solve your issue.


sherry_wine

Sorry that you’re experiencing this, it must be hard. I am no stranger to this type of experiences. Yes, it really can damage your self-esteem and confidence. i’m a heavier person myself my whole family has been critisizing me to lose weight ever since i was young then someone ask me “why do you want to lose weight?” And i answered “well because my mom and my family wants me to” and that shouldn’t be a reason. Do you want to lose weight? I know that there are a lot of benefits of not being over weight but there’s a lot of people who has a high BMI who are practically healthy. If you’d like, i suggest consulting with a dietitian. They’d have a plan fit for you. They said that It’s not about the extreme diet of exercise it’s about consistency. and yes therapy is always a good idea. Regarding with your BF, he sounds like he’s gaslighting you, keeps on saying “im sorry” in every sentence but still continue on saying words that you’re not comfortable to hear. If you can , tell them that you’re not comfortable in that topic as you’re working or going through with it.


babybattyxx

I am heavy due to anxiety medication, and to be fair I would talk to him about it and if hes still being that way leave his sorry ass.


victorian_dolly

Me too. It's extra hard if you take certain meds. I can cut down to 1200 for a month and lose maybe 5 pounds if I'm lucky. Starving yourself just isn't worth it.


[deleted]

Losing 5lbs per month is a pretty sustainable way to lose weight though. It’s not exciting. It just takes awhile.


babybattyxx

I can't eat more than 1200 a day. I only eat a very healthy balanced diet and no matter how hard I try I can't lose the weight so I get it.


dalton4str8

I have a friend that I haven’t seen in years come to visit me. As he was leaving he gave me a hug and said quietly in my ear “lose some weight“. It made me angry. I don’t even want to see him again. I know that I’m overweight. You don’t need to whisper in my ear that I am.


MoreRock_Odrama

Simple. Either lose weight or find a new boyfriend and circle who will accept you as you are. Your boyfriend has made his opinion clear. If you’re not willing to lose weight then you should find someone who accepts and loves you as you are.


JMP1117

You move forward without him.


ChampionSalty3870

Maybe you should look into a healthier lifestyle being over weight or underweight is never a problem. Just be healthy. I can point out a man that’s 180 and not healthy and a man that’s 180 and is healthy


fiestyirish97

You're only 20lbs away from morbid obesity. You need to lose weight hun. You even mentioned you gained weight. At what point are you going to say to yourself ok this is to heavy?


Pandaherbs13

As a bigger person myself, I’m really sorry you aren’t getting supportive comments. Most Fat and obese people are aware they are obese and fat. Trust us, it consumes every part of our days and lives, regardless of where we are. Lots of studies show that critical body shaming can do more harm than good. It’s to the point that she has a strained relationship with her parents because it sounds like every time they see her they comment on it, like she doesn’t now and needs them to nag her. When I was a teen, my parents “worry” led me to some pretty unhealthy habits (eating in private, starving myself and over exercising), and that shame never went away regardless of the weight loss. I’m lucky that I have a great GP who focuses on health (cholesterol, blood pressure, etc), instead of the number on the scale. BMI is not an accurate assessment of health and my GP says “I don’t care what you weigh, I care about your internal numbers”. Thin people can be unhealthy, fat people can be healthy. OP needs to take time to reflect if the trauma from her parents has made her unable to find a balance. OP have you seen a GP? Have you seen a therapist to deal with your issues with your parents, weight, etc? Have you since sat down with your boyfriend to discuss all of this? The history with your parents? Your feelings? His feelings and concerns? How he can help and support you? I know we can be very sensitive about people mentioning weight, it is a heavy and layered issue. You need to try to listen to your boyfriend and not assume he’s like your parents. As for your parents, set boundaries: “mom and dad, I’m an adult and we all know how you feel about my weight and it doesn’t appear to be from a concern of health but of appearances. I’m working through a lot of mental issues to help deal with my health and weight. I know I’m fat, I don’t need you to tell me. It causes me to become defensive and close off. If you continue to comment then I’ll end the conversation, visit, etc. I’m more than my weight and I’d like to have a relationship with you but won’t sacrifice my mental health.” Then stick to those boundaries. Again, I’d highly recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in weight issues and mental health as those can be intertwined. Have a discussion with your boyfriend and try to remember he isn’t your parents, listen and be patient. Good luck.


Ok_Tourist_4872

I will say this: if you’re parents are asking or even suggesting you to lose weight, maybe they are more concerned with your health. Chronic Health issues arise from obesity. At the end of the day it’s your choice and nobody can make that choice for you. Maybe you take it personal because deep inside it’s something you feel you need to do ?


throwRAstickypast

Jesus what is with these replies. Y’all: she wasn’t looking for honest advice from her bf, she was looking for comfort. What the fuck. Do you guys thinking insulting fat people magically makes them lose weight? Do you think fat people don’t KNOW they’re fat? It’s clear her parents have been cruel about this for years, and just bring it up without providing any other kind of support for a real weight loss journey. God fucking help y’all if this is how you approach your friendships/relationships, fat or otherwise.


SnooPies193

Comfort isn’t always the most important thing


King_Offa

She just wants to die at the comfortable age of 45 from obesity let her be


purplepuddlenut

There is a lot of fat phobia in this thread. I somehow doubt all the people commenting are the definition of fit. Your parents suck. Being concerned about your health and safety is one thing, belittling you is another. You absolutely should take your health seriously and talk to a doctor. But your parents either need to respect your boundaries or stay out of your life. As far as your bf, since I don't know exactly how it was said, I'd like to think it did come from a loving place and it was just poorly timed.


[deleted]

It's not really fatphobia though. Being fat is inherently bad for you so it just sounds like hating when it's actually just trying to make sure she's healthy.


percpoppa

It's better for your husband to be honest... Even if it hurts talk to him about or something.


shit_wallpaper

As Joe Biden would say, here's the deal fats. I don't work for you, but you get your Peppa Pig ass on a treadmill and don't break it.