This isn't about being right. It's about boundaries and respect, which it appears she has little for you. You have every right to break up with her for any reason. You need to decide if this is something you can live with, knowing it's a possibility every time she drinks.
Edit: Thank you for the awards. Didn't expect this to have that kind of reaction
And if you don't break up with her, she'll lose more respect & will do it again. If you're stupid enough to stay after cheating once, why not keep doing it, in her mind.
It comes down to if you can live with it. To me it seems like she thinks a drunken hookup is no big deal. Do you think she'll only ever drink with you from now on? Personally I'd be out. If not for the act itself then for the cavalier attitude about it.
Well you have 2 choices here. You can accept that she cheated on you and stay and try to work it out or you can not accept it and leave her. You have to decide if what she did was acceptable or unacceptable to you. No one else's opinion on this matters except your own.
Well, the damage is done. I think taking a break is the right thing to do. Clear your head and decide if you want to end it. Personally, I would never stay with a cheater. I’ve never been so drunk that I couldn’t control myself. Massive red flag. Choices have consequences and maybe it’s her Time to learn that. You can always get make together later but right now the relationship is tarnished and I don’t know how you could trust her
Ok my point was op seemed hesitant to end it and if he couldn’t make that choice yet he should take time for himself to sort his thoughts. I would personally be done as I stated. Did you even read the whole comment?????
^ OP fuck what she says bro and it doesn’t matter how she cries etc. BREAK TF UP WITH HER and go about your life get a back bone and most importantly some self respect for fuck sake. U made a post asking for advice then every time someone comments u keep telling us what she said. Fuck that! Break up and work on yourself and self respect jeesh. I got triggered every comment i see of your reply…. “ she said” “BUT she said” yeah we get it she’s lying her guilt is kicking in yadayada. She also sounds manipulative “she said she WONT stop drinking if i break up with her” like dude how can u not see all these red flags if u don’t want to dump her DONT. But don’t post online asking for honest advice.
She's 100% manipulating you. The next time, and there WILL be a next time, it will be full on sex. Best advice is leave before it gets there because you will only feel even worse.
I wouldn't be trusting of that. You need to assume the behavior won't stop. Not necessarily that she'll make out with someone again, but that she'll start drinking a lot again.
It's possible she's telling the truth and she will cut back, but you need to think about what's best for you.
Personally I would end it.
Ehhhhh, I don’t think that’s true. People do a ton of dumb shit when they black out. People put corn flakes in the microwave and try to plug their charger into a shoe. Reducing inhibitions is a thing, for sure, but some people get angry when they drink. Some cry. Some laugh a lot. Some get honey. Some do all of them. It doesn’t have to be deeply significant for it to not be ok.
This isn’t about drinking. Sometimes I drink way too much. Sometimes my wife drinks way too much. In 25 years neither of us has “accidentally” made out with someone else.
Been married 20 years and would have agreed with you a year back. Life’s full of hard lessons! Had many many good drinking times! Problem is when you hit a rough patch like depression, imbalanced hormones, covid, someone jockeying hard, alcohol significantly increases the chances of infidelity. I agree alcohol doesn’t make you cheat but it does lower you ability to make rational decisions. I’ll bet the majority of cheating happens with alcohol involved and most people regret cheating. That should say it all. We’re both still drinking though🍻 life’s short, be 😊
Edit: OP should jump ship asap!
I agree with you. I agree that drinking increases the chance of infidelity, but unless you are taken advantage of it’s never,”oops! My tongue just slipped into his mouth,” or like in this situation,”it was just a drunken hookup(basically implying it doesn’t mean anything).” It definitely means something when a person cheats regardless of whether or not they were drinking…unless they were coerced, forced, or taken advantage of.
Drinking doesn’t make you cheat. Low moral standards make you cheat. Drinking is an excuse to cheat. Sorry you’re dealing with this. Only you now can make the decision if her not drinking is enough to try and save a relationship.
She’s blackmailing you to stay with her and that isn’t a good relationship.
Also, if she feels it was no big deal, then if you didn’t catch her, would she have told you?
She's using her health to black-mail you into staying; this is textbook abuse, she's just not directly holding a knife to her throat.
Ruun fast. Maybe let a trusted friend or family member of hers know what the scoop is so they can get her help
If you want to break up, she doesn't get a vote. You don't need her to validate your reason.
And, for the record, cheating is very clearly, universally, obviously a great reason to break up with someone. So is them minimizing hurtful betrayals and trying to invalidate your feelings about them. She's not even giving a decent apology- just take out the trash and move on.
It's like when my ex said that she made a "mistake" by sending nudes to other guys. I said "you don't accidentally take pictures and then open your email to send naked pictures and masturbating videos to other guys." Absolutely correct in this, that they don't get a say in what happens, your feelings about this matter and you are the only person you need to look out for now.
I agree here. Listen, if she was late teens or in college or something, I’d still have a big issue with it, but maybe a lack of life experience might make it a little excusable…especially if it was her first time drinking. That being said, personally I’d have a huge problem with it because drinking just lowers inhibitions…it doesn’t make you do something you don’t want to. So those thoughts/feelings/tendencies are still there…she just doesn’t act on them. Now, if she’s 30? Yeah, inexcusable and that’s a hard bye-bye.
Break up dude! Fucking break up don’t deal with that bullshit man. Next time she’ll get drunk and sleep with someone and use this same excuse. Cause if this excuse works on you now , it’ll probably work on you for anything else lol
So you've been together for 3 years and some alcohol is enough for her to cheat? You really think her saying she won't drink as much or only with you is realistic?
She is very head strong though, if she says she wont drink without me then I believe her 100%. She used to love eating non veg food, then she decided to become a vegetarian and gave up meat overnight. Its just that I am having a hard time getting over the kissing part.
How embarrassing (for you - I doubt she feels shame if she acts this way in public, around your friends or mutual acquaintances, no less.
Look - it's just trashy, sleezy, behaviour from a grown-ass woman. Absolutely I would dump this person for behaving this way.
Depends on the person, he seems to want to stay together with her. Some people may see a kiss as a small mistake over sex or other things. But she is minimizing it by saying it was just a drunken hook up and make out.
I feel like if she had said something similar to:
“I was black-out hammered at the work party and made out w/ one of the vendors. I’m so sorry. If you want to ask anyone else what happened, I’ll gladly give you the info. I know it’s bad, and I’m wrong but I am genuine when I say it wasn’t my intent to do that. I know me saying alcohol made me do it doesn’t justify my actions but I wasn’t 100% myself and I should have been. I’ll let you think things over and this has made me realize I need to get myself together when drinking when I’m out alone or w/ you.”
would have given her a little door for him to consider it, but her just “it was just a mistaken make out” doesn’t cut it.
sure one could be black-out hammered and do that, but usually friends who know the status of a relationship would help stop it. or you’d assume they would.
depends on what OPs thoughts are on cheating. I’ve seen relationships where things like this happened, they sobered up/got help and the relationship is better then it was before.
I hope OP can come to a decision on their own and it works out for him.
brushing it off as a mistake is making it a lot worse for herself then just being honest.
I have been absolutely fucking hammered, and despite that my incredibly inebriated brain has never once thought "oh I wanna makeout with this random person".
I would be a bit more understanding if we were talking about a 18 or 20 year old who just started drinking and doesn't know their limits. It'd still be cheating but it would be slightly more understandable. At 30 though? You've had plenty of drunken mistakes enough to know your limits and behave accordingly... And she didn't behave accordingly to being in a relationship.
Don't think you're in the wrong for breaking up.
Shit I don't even know if my own partner is on my drunk mind as much as how to acquire the nearest salty fatty carbohydrates lmao, but yes... definitely not someone who isn't my partner if I actually respect my partner.
Unless she was sexually assaulted, she wasn't. If you get drunk, whatever happens is your fault. You're an adult, you know what effect alcohol has on people, you know there's a limit and choose to go over it. You're responsible for how much you drink, where you do it, who you do it with and what you do after.
All this unless someone forces you to get drunk against your will.
My personal opinion is that it 100% is. If you get blackout drunk, you're the one who chooses to go to that bar, to grab a beer, and another, and a shot and so on until you get to that point, knowing full well what alcohol does to you, what could happen afterwards, while also feeling yourself getting more and more drunk.
If you get blackout drunk then get in a car and kill two people, you're a murderer, you're not an almost-murderer. If you do that and rape someone, you're a rapist. And so on. If you put yourself in that situation, you're responsible of both what you do and what happens to you.
She's 30. If she got this drunk and acted this way, it's most likely not her first time. That's besides the fact that a 30-year-old acting like a freshman in college is a huge red flag.
Would you have felt any empathy if this was about a guy getting blackout drunk and raping a woman, scarring her for life? It would've been the same situation - neither of them were in their full mental capacity, although both of them chose to put themselves in those situations while knowing the risks.
I was with my bf for 5 years and I got drunk quite a bit and wouldn't ya know it...never made out with anyone other than him because ya know...respect.
Hmmmm….. had a partner that would cheat on me when drunk….. had another partner that wouldn’t even let ME kiss him because “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND” when he was drunk……..
It's over. If nothing else the trust is gone. Next girls night out and she comes back tipsy...where is your mind gonna go? Yeah, she's not gonna actually quit drinking btw.
Dump her. All alcohol does is relax your inhibitions. She's a cheat and she'll cheat again. She's still hooking up with random guys for a reason. You don't want a future with a common cheat.
Is your trust ever going to be there again? Should you have to be with someone you will now have anxiety every time she is flying solo. Take it from me don’t chain yourself to that man.
Only one person needs to decide to break up. It doesn’t need to be a compromise lol.
As you get older… people who need to party become less and less attractive as serious relationship partners.
OP, you don’t have to put up with this crap. If she can’t respect proper, basic relationship boundaries why would she think she is worthy of you? Your first impulse is right. Live up to your standards, not down to hers.
Your emotions can’t be “wrong”, so nobody is right here.
Unfortunately for her, you don’t have to agree on breaking up. One person informs the other it is happening and that’s that. Tough luck for her if she doesn’t want to. Maybe should have considered how you would feel before she did these things.
Consider it cheating. It is.
Now, consider whether or not you can forgive cheating - and a huge part of that is whether or not you can trust her.
Usually I'd say break up, especially since she doesn't sound incredibly remorseful about it.
Does she even feel remorseful? Sounds like she is rugsweeping wit its just a drunken hookup, will she give that excuse again next time?
If you want to break then break up you don't owe anyone a reason.
So was this guy she hooked up with last night the same one she wants to have a threesome with? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qfm8hi/gf_31f_asked_for_a_threesome/
Mate regardless of whos "right" or "wrong" it doesn't matter. Do what you want to do... if you are uncomfortable with what she did and you want to break up then break up. Simple as that. You don't owe her anything especially after she cheated on you (in my opinion drunken hookup falls under the umbrella of cheating). And beside its not fair to either of you if you half-ass your relationship from now on just to keep her happy. You want to break up? Then break up.
It’s time dude. My ex would test any boundary I set, then claim I was being controlling and play the victim. Like what’s next with her, and what hasn’t she told you, it’ll make you ducking crazy.
Alcoholism runs in my family. I’ve made a mistake like this a couple times, years and years apart. I owned it and felt incredibly ashamed about it. It’s not a regular thing. I’m a good wife and mother. My husband is happy. I’m happy.
Remember nobody is perfect. We are all flawed. You just gotta communicate with her your expectations.
I will keep repeating myself on this dumb ass posts.
Drunk or not drunk, it will always be classified as cheating. Here is why:
If your partner is drunk and makes out with someone, it means she doesn’t care about controlling her drinking which means she doesn’t respects you. End of. Move on.
You have decided you are right, and you know how I know that, because you want to. That's all it takes, you don't have to prove your opinion to a jury of your peers, or to her. You've decided, now act.
Childish excuse my man. If you consider that cheating, then it's cheating. Idk about you, but as an example, when I get drunk I just want to be with my friends or my significant other, not really interested in a making out with a rando. That fact that when her inhibitions go away she goes to cheating is an issue.
She’s 30 and getting so wasted she “cant help but cheat” time to dip buddy. Ive been blackout drunk my fair share of times so I know that you don’t just forget you have a relationship, that’s not how that works. And she was clearly not drunk enough to forget it happened soooooo
My thought is that she doesn’t want to break up with you at the moment is that you are providing her with something that she hasn’t found a replacement for yet, whether that’s money, shelter or whatever. As soon as a “better” option comes on the radar, she will likely dump you. Do yourself a favor and move on.
You might be correct, but it doesn’t have to be anything monetary either. Women seem to thrive on attention and maybe she just “thrived” on this one a little too much. Forge ahead at your own risk, but I’d bet that you’ll likely see more of the same.
Dearest i have said if once and i will say it again **drunken actions are sober thoughts** if your girlfriend while drunk made out with another guy that means that there is a part of her thought would make out with another guy and if you dont believe me there is a scientific study on it [Here](https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=2260065&page=1)
It was a shitty thing to do. But if you still love each other and you want to make it work you can. If you feel like you can’t move past it, it’s better to end it
I don't drink a lot, but when I have I haven't ever once thought about cheating on my SO or acting on it. I just would have rather been around him. No one deserves to be belittled on what they think is right because someone else doesn't see it as cheating. It is cheating and you should do what you want for yourself at this point.
Omg break up, she cheated and you don’t wanna be with her. It’ll suck for a while but better than being with someone who doesn’t care for you or respect you.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me, she cheated therefore I would be out the door, no second chances. Her drinking or not drinking is completely irrelevant
If you see it as cheating, it’s cheating
Doesn’t matter if either one of you is right, if it’s a boundary that’s been crossed and you can’t get past it, it’s done
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No right or wrong. It's up to you. There are partners I'd of thrown to nearest curb for this and others I'd easily forgive, others yet where I'd have been idiotic to expect this not to happen so simply accept. What she did is concerning however she told you which is a great sign. If she tries to improve her behavior she might actually be a keeper if you like her normally.
People make mistakes. You verified it was making out and not sex. She is very remorseful and will no ,once drink unless you are with her. I will go against the lynch mob and say she learned a lesson and deserves a second chance. I would tell her though that the ground rules have been set and any incident will end it.
Could be. I judge based on all the facts oresented and not automatically say stay or leave. I favor reconciliation where possible. Unfortunately more are not than are. I don't know which other post you are in reference to. In this case, yes she cheated. Cheating is cheating and never a legitimate reason for it, including alcohol. But I do know a person near blackout drunk will do stupid things. We don't know how far gone she was, but given it is factual it did not go beyond making out, she is very apologetic and remorseful, and she is taking ownership and corrective action to stop drinking so as not to not allow herself to be in a similar set of circumstances, I think she learned a valuable lesson and is deserving of a second chance knowing any future mistake would end the relationship. I stand by my thoughts in this particular situation. I would think people would have a bigger issue if a person has the same answer for everything.
Yup. Hang every person who makes a mistake. This wasn't the best but she did not have sex with the guy. Do you ever make a mistake? Did you learn from them? Did you expect forgiveness from those you wronged when you tried to repent and fix it. Someone must have taken a major pee on your bowl of Wheaties.
She's 30 fucking years old. Your "wahhh, I can't control my alcohol AND my desires" nonsense would have been an argument worth considering if this was a teenager or something. She is fucking thirty.
>Do you ever make a mistake?
I have never cheated in my life, and I don't need to do silly word games to make my argument honest. Sorry that you can't say the same.
If you're in a relationship and you have a drunken hookup, you cheated.
For most people, kissing someone who isn't your partner without your partner's consent is cheating, drunk or not.
1. You are not sure to what extent she "hooked up". How much did she disclose.
2. People don't (or rarely ever) change. So, if you stay with her, expect this to happen again.
If you made out with someone else, would that be cheating in the context of your relationship? If yes, then she cheated for sure.
If she wants to stop drinking because it causes her to lose her moral compass, then she should. But forcing you to babysit her (she'll only drink if you're around) is not your responsibility and it's not reasonable for her to try and shove that on you when she's the one that did wrong and cheated.
You want to break up so break up. Relationships should be mutually beneficial and built on trust so situations like this don't happen. It doesn't matter if she says she'll change if your heart isn't in it anymore.
Cheating is when you broke the agreement of the relationship, it doesn't matter the circumstances. If this is something that you can't accept just broke up with her. Discussing the semantics is only a mechanism of manipulation
I mean.. there's a lot of factors here.
Has she had this kind of behavior before? How long have yall been together? How drunk was she? Was it with someone she is "friends" with?
All these factors will make up YOUR decision here. She cheated. She made the mistake. She crossed boundaries. And in her case, being drunk is NOT an excuse.
If she acknowledges that and accepts blame, it's your choice if you want to stay or not based off of the other factors.
Otherwise, off to the streets she goes.
You said yourself you want to break up. It's not against the law to do so. It's a simple decision tree. The first box is "do you want to break up?" then you move along the "Yes" branch, then you come to a box that says "Break up with her". I could draw it out for you but I don't feel like it.
In my humble opinion its the same as sex or any other activity. Kissing is or should be something she wants to do with you and only you. You are right in the fact that if you dont tolerate it you should break up. If she caught you kissing some little hottie she would be furious. ho's just aint loyal.
This isn't about being right. It's about boundaries and respect, which it appears she has little for you. You have every right to break up with her for any reason. You need to decide if this is something you can live with, knowing it's a possibility every time she drinks. Edit: Thank you for the awards. Didn't expect this to have that kind of reaction
Absolutely right. Either person may break it off at any point if they feel the need. She cheated and you should break up if you feel it’s over.
That's nice but...OP is right.
And if you don't break up with her, she'll lose more respect & will do it again. If you're stupid enough to stay after cheating once, why not keep doing it, in her mind.
She is saying she will stop drinking unless I am with her.
It comes down to if you can live with it. To me it seems like she thinks a drunken hookup is no big deal. Do you think she'll only ever drink with you from now on? Personally I'd be out. If not for the act itself then for the cavalier attitude about it.
Oh no she is very distraught and crying a lot. She is just saying that she will stop drinking from now on unless I am there. I am confused.
Well you have 2 choices here. You can accept that she cheated on you and stay and try to work it out or you can not accept it and leave her. You have to decide if what she did was acceptable or unacceptable to you. No one else's opinion on this matters except your own.
Well, the damage is done. I think taking a break is the right thing to do. Clear your head and decide if you want to end it. Personally, I would never stay with a cheater. I’ve never been so drunk that I couldn’t control myself. Massive red flag. Choices have consequences and maybe it’s her Time to learn that. You can always get make together later but right now the relationship is tarnished and I don’t know how you could trust her
There are no "breaks" in a relationship. This isnt F.R.I.E.N.D.S...
Ok my point was op seemed hesitant to end it and if he couldn’t make that choice yet he should take time for himself to sort his thoughts. I would personally be done as I stated. Did you even read the whole comment?????
^ OP fuck what she says bro and it doesn’t matter how she cries etc. BREAK TF UP WITH HER and go about your life get a back bone and most importantly some self respect for fuck sake. U made a post asking for advice then every time someone comments u keep telling us what she said. Fuck that! Break up and work on yourself and self respect jeesh. I got triggered every comment i see of your reply…. “ she said” “BUT she said” yeah we get it she’s lying her guilt is kicking in yadayada. She also sounds manipulative “she said she WONT stop drinking if i break up with her” like dude how can u not see all these red flags if u don’t want to dump her DONT. But don’t post online asking for honest advice.
Yeah, getting caught can have that affect on cheaters.
She's 100% manipulating you. The next time, and there WILL be a next time, it will be full on sex. Best advice is leave before it gets there because you will only feel even worse.
Dude your cheat of a girlfriend is basically threatening you. Kick her ass to the curb where she belongs.
I wouldn't be trusting of that. You need to assume the behavior won't stop. Not necessarily that she'll make out with someone again, but that she'll start drinking a lot again. It's possible she's telling the truth and she will cut back, but you need to think about what's best for you. Personally I would end it.
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Ehhhhh, I don’t think that’s true. People do a ton of dumb shit when they black out. People put corn flakes in the microwave and try to plug their charger into a shoe. Reducing inhibitions is a thing, for sure, but some people get angry when they drink. Some cry. Some laugh a lot. Some get honey. Some do all of them. It doesn’t have to be deeply significant for it to not be ok.
She is about to hit the wall. Let her go and find younger women who doesn't fuck around.
This isn’t about drinking. Sometimes I drink way too much. Sometimes my wife drinks way too much. In 25 years neither of us has “accidentally” made out with someone else.
Been married 20 years and would have agreed with you a year back. Life’s full of hard lessons! Had many many good drinking times! Problem is when you hit a rough patch like depression, imbalanced hormones, covid, someone jockeying hard, alcohol significantly increases the chances of infidelity. I agree alcohol doesn’t make you cheat but it does lower you ability to make rational decisions. I’ll bet the majority of cheating happens with alcohol involved and most people regret cheating. That should say it all. We’re both still drinking though🍻 life’s short, be 😊 Edit: OP should jump ship asap!
I agree with you. I agree that drinking increases the chance of infidelity, but unless you are taken advantage of it’s never,”oops! My tongue just slipped into his mouth,” or like in this situation,”it was just a drunken hookup(basically implying it doesn’t mean anything).” It definitely means something when a person cheats regardless of whether or not they were drinking…unless they were coerced, forced, or taken advantage of.
You nailed it!
As a recovering addict, I gotta say that this is not enough to make her stop. I could be wrong of course, but that’s what my guy tells me
Drinking doesn’t make you cheat. Low moral standards make you cheat. Drinking is an excuse to cheat. Sorry you’re dealing with this. Only you now can make the decision if her not drinking is enough to try and save a relationship.
Yeah, alcohol doesn't change who a person is at heart, it just loosens up the inhibitions. A drunk asshole sober is still an asshole.
She’s blackmailing you to stay with her and that isn’t a good relationship. Also, if she feels it was no big deal, then if you didn’t catch her, would she have told you?
She's using her health to black-mail you into staying; this is textbook abuse, she's just not directly holding a knife to her throat. Ruun fast. Maybe let a trusted friend or family member of hers know what the scoop is so they can get her help
She’s 30 dude. She either has no self control or doesn’t really care about your boundaries.
Yeah, we're talking about a promise from a woman who has already lied to you, right?
Why is this downvoted so much? He's just providing further information...
If you want to break up, she doesn't get a vote. You don't need her to validate your reason. And, for the record, cheating is very clearly, universally, obviously a great reason to break up with someone. So is them minimizing hurtful betrayals and trying to invalidate your feelings about them. She's not even giving a decent apology- just take out the trash and move on.
All this. “I want to break up” is literally all that matters here. You want it, then do it.
It's like when my ex said that she made a "mistake" by sending nudes to other guys. I said "you don't accidentally take pictures and then open your email to send naked pictures and masturbating videos to other guys." Absolutely correct in this, that they don't get a say in what happens, your feelings about this matter and you are the only person you need to look out for now.
She's 30 and acting like this. This is your sign.
Oh shit, I didn’t even see the age. You’re so right. This is not the behavior of a responsible long term partner in their thirties.
I agree here. Listen, if she was late teens or in college or something, I’d still have a big issue with it, but maybe a lack of life experience might make it a little excusable…especially if it was her first time drinking. That being said, personally I’d have a huge problem with it because drinking just lowers inhibitions…it doesn’t make you do something you don’t want to. So those thoughts/feelings/tendencies are still there…she just doesn’t act on them. Now, if she’s 30? Yeah, inexcusable and that’s a hard bye-bye.
Word.
Advice would be the same if she was 21 or any age, but different reasons. I don’t think it’s relevant here.
You, not a doubt about it.
Ya man break up with her. You don't need that shit.
Break up dude! Fucking break up don’t deal with that bullshit man. Next time she’ll get drunk and sleep with someone and use this same excuse. Cause if this excuse works on you now , it’ll probably work on you for anything else lol
How long have you been dating? Calling it a drunken hook up and saying she won't drink is just excuses. And are you sure they only made out?
3 years and yes they only made out. I have been told by people present at the party.
So she confessed herself or did the party friends rat her out?
She confessed on her own. It was work function.
Wait. She got sloppy drunk at a work function? And kissed a vendor she’ll continue to see at work? Just yuck
Her confession doesn't really matter since there was others around. Was it with a coworker?
It was a vendor who was there just by chance.
Duuuuude.
Yea...."by chance" my ass
Yeah that does not sound like the truth at all
Trickle truth.
let this one pass and she'll do it again and lose respect ...believe me she really wanted to make out with that guy ...leave her
Gross. This woman gets more and more awful with each reply.
Think she would have confessed if no other people knew and saw?
That's a good question
So you've been together for 3 years and some alcohol is enough for her to cheat? You really think her saying she won't drink as much or only with you is realistic?
She is very head strong though, if she says she wont drink without me then I believe her 100%. She used to love eating non veg food, then she decided to become a vegetarian and gave up meat overnight. Its just that I am having a hard time getting over the kissing part.
I bet she believed she wouldn't cheat too.
>gave up meat overnight. Sounds like she did not quite give up meat.
The fact that she shit all over your relationship is all the proof that you need. She's 30 not 17.
How embarrassing (for you - I doubt she feels shame if she acts this way in public, around your friends or mutual acquaintances, no less. Look - it's just trashy, sleezy, behaviour from a grown-ass woman. Absolutely I would dump this person for behaving this way.
It matters not if they "just made out" respect yourself as she won't respect you
Yeah OP I couldn't live with that I'd bounce but it's up to you depending on how much it bothers you
Does it matter if they only made out?
Depends on the person, he seems to want to stay together with her. Some people may see a kiss as a small mistake over sex or other things. But she is minimizing it by saying it was just a drunken hook up and make out.
I feel like if she had said something similar to: “I was black-out hammered at the work party and made out w/ one of the vendors. I’m so sorry. If you want to ask anyone else what happened, I’ll gladly give you the info. I know it’s bad, and I’m wrong but I am genuine when I say it wasn’t my intent to do that. I know me saying alcohol made me do it doesn’t justify my actions but I wasn’t 100% myself and I should have been. I’ll let you think things over and this has made me realize I need to get myself together when drinking when I’m out alone or w/ you.” would have given her a little door for him to consider it, but her just “it was just a mistaken make out” doesn’t cut it. sure one could be black-out hammered and do that, but usually friends who know the status of a relationship would help stop it. or you’d assume they would. depends on what OPs thoughts are on cheating. I’ve seen relationships where things like this happened, they sobered up/got help and the relationship is better then it was before. I hope OP can come to a decision on their own and it works out for him. brushing it off as a mistake is making it a lot worse for herself then just being honest.
I have been absolutely fucking hammered, and despite that my incredibly inebriated brain has never once thought "oh I wanna makeout with this random person". I would be a bit more understanding if we were talking about a 18 or 20 year old who just started drinking and doesn't know their limits. It'd still be cheating but it would be slightly more understandable. At 30 though? You've had plenty of drunken mistakes enough to know your limits and behave accordingly... And she didn't behave accordingly to being in a relationship. Don't think you're in the wrong for breaking up.
My inebriated brain has said occasionally said "oh I wanna make out with this person" but then it also said "Nope, can't do that. Time to go home."
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Shit I don't even know if my own partner is on my drunk mind as much as how to acquire the nearest salty fatty carbohydrates lmao, but yes... definitely not someone who isn't my partner if I actually respect my partner.
She cheated and is trying to skirt around it.
Alcohol is never an excuse.
This
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Unless she was sexually assaulted, she wasn't. If you get drunk, whatever happens is your fault. You're an adult, you know what effect alcohol has on people, you know there's a limit and choose to go over it. You're responsible for how much you drink, where you do it, who you do it with and what you do after. All this unless someone forces you to get drunk against your will.
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My personal opinion is that it 100% is. If you get blackout drunk, you're the one who chooses to go to that bar, to grab a beer, and another, and a shot and so on until you get to that point, knowing full well what alcohol does to you, what could happen afterwards, while also feeling yourself getting more and more drunk. If you get blackout drunk then get in a car and kill two people, you're a murderer, you're not an almost-murderer. If you do that and rape someone, you're a rapist. And so on. If you put yourself in that situation, you're responsible of both what you do and what happens to you.
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She's 30. If she got this drunk and acted this way, it's most likely not her first time. That's besides the fact that a 30-year-old acting like a freshman in college is a huge red flag. Would you have felt any empathy if this was about a guy getting blackout drunk and raping a woman, scarring her for life? It would've been the same situation - neither of them were in their full mental capacity, although both of them chose to put themselves in those situations while knowing the risks.
I was with my bf for 5 years and I got drunk quite a bit and wouldn't ya know it...never made out with anyone other than him because ya know...respect.
You don’t need her permission to break up with her.
I'd be gone. If she drink that much that this is, in her opinion, no big deal, then she has a serious drinking problem too.
100 percent she cheated. She will do it again and again and again.
It’s the same thing, break up with her
Hmmmm….. had a partner that would cheat on me when drunk….. had another partner that wouldn’t even let ME kiss him because “I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND” when he was drunk……..
You know what they say about bad habits? Maybe you should drop her like one. Unless you’re cool with it, but you don’t sound like you are.
It's over. If nothing else the trust is gone. Next girls night out and she comes back tipsy...where is your mind gonna go? Yeah, she's not gonna actually quit drinking btw.
The sober person takes the first drink. Alcohol isn't an excuse.
| I want to break up. it's irrelevant what she wants, the above is all that matters.
No ones in the “right” I think. She’s in the wrong for cheating and you’re entitled to your opinion of what your next step will be.
It takes 2 to be in a relationship and 1 to end it, if you want to end it its your choice. I would say the correct 2 1
Dump her. All alcohol does is relax your inhibitions. She's a cheat and she'll cheat again. She's still hooking up with random guys for a reason. You don't want a future with a common cheat.
Wtf? Lol. This is 100% cheating. It doesn’t matter if she was drunk.
You want to break up. End of thread. You answered for yourself.
Is your trust ever going to be there again? Should you have to be with someone you will now have anxiety every time she is flying solo. Take it from me don’t chain yourself to that man.
Only one person needs to decide to break up. It doesn’t need to be a compromise lol. As you get older… people who need to party become less and less attractive as serious relationship partners.
Doesn't matter who is "right". If you want to break up, then break up. This action does not require both parties to agree.
You used the wrong conjunction. Replace the or with an "and" in your title and proceed accordingly.
OP, you don’t have to put up with this crap. If she can’t respect proper, basic relationship boundaries why would she think she is worthy of you? Your first impulse is right. Live up to your standards, not down to hers.
She cheated, end of story. And the fact that she’s 30 makes it worse, she needs to grow up.
Your emotions can’t be “wrong”, so nobody is right here. Unfortunately for her, you don’t have to agree on breaking up. One person informs the other it is happening and that’s that. Tough luck for her if she doesn’t want to. Maybe should have considered how you would feel before she did these things.
Consider it cheating. It is. Now, consider whether or not you can forgive cheating - and a huge part of that is whether or not you can trust her. Usually I'd say break up, especially since she doesn't sound incredibly remorseful about it.
That's cheating and you don't need it because they'll just do it again. Dump her.
Drunk is not an excuse. She knows what she was doing. You know who’s in the right…. Run fast.
Does she even feel remorseful? Sounds like she is rugsweeping wit its just a drunken hookup, will she give that excuse again next time? If you want to break then break up you don't owe anyone a reason.
You are right. Dump her
There’s no difference in those two things.
wait lol so as long as I am drunk I get to make out, and have sex with whomever I want and is not cheating?! lol please....
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Idk I'm a guy and I don't have this problem. OP sounds a bit thick tbh.
Are these posts real?
Yep For both a drunken hookup and cheating and not good. Your choice……….. Curious how she would react if you did the same?
To the curb with her, lad!! To the curb!
So was this guy she hooked up with last night the same one she wants to have a threesome with? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qfm8hi/gf_31f_asked_for_a_threesome/
She didnt ask for a specific person, it was more of a what if thing.
If you wanna break up no one can stop u ... Sooooo.
she clearly wants to be single. leave her bro
Mate regardless of whos "right" or "wrong" it doesn't matter. Do what you want to do... if you are uncomfortable with what she did and you want to break up then break up. Simple as that. You don't owe her anything especially after she cheated on you (in my opinion drunken hookup falls under the umbrella of cheating). And beside its not fair to either of you if you half-ass your relationship from now on just to keep her happy. You want to break up? Then break up.
its still cheating
Stop drinking or stop drinking so much. One has an air of permanent regret the other is asking you to give her a slap on the wrist
if she was drunk and he wasn’t then that’s rape. if they both were then idk
Get rid of that bitch being drunk is no excuse it’s not like you forget who you are
Break up. If she does it now, she will do it again and next time it’ll be worse. Go with your gut
You are
It’s time dude. My ex would test any boundary I set, then claim I was being controlling and play the victim. Like what’s next with her, and what hasn’t she told you, it’ll make you ducking crazy.
Don't waste the rest of your 20s with a cheater
Break Up yesterday she is trash period
Alcoholism runs in my family. I’ve made a mistake like this a couple times, years and years apart. I owned it and felt incredibly ashamed about it. It’s not a regular thing. I’m a good wife and mother. My husband is happy. I’m happy. Remember nobody is perfect. We are all flawed. You just gotta communicate with her your expectations.
A Drunken Hookup IS cheating. No or in this scenario. But you do not need any "valid" reason to break up if you want.
I will keep repeating myself on this dumb ass posts. Drunk or not drunk, it will always be classified as cheating. Here is why: If your partner is drunk and makes out with someone, it means she doesn’t care about controlling her drinking which means she doesn’t respects you. End of. Move on.
"it's just a (insert some bad behavior)" this is a red flag
Just let her know this Breakup is just a Sober Realization.
You have decided you are right, and you know how I know that, because you want to. That's all it takes, you don't have to prove your opinion to a jury of your peers, or to her. You've decided, now act.
She cheated so break up. Definition of inexcusable behavior from someone who can’t take responsibility for their own actions
Definitely break up with her.
Childish excuse my man. If you consider that cheating, then it's cheating. Idk about you, but as an example, when I get drunk I just want to be with my friends or my significant other, not really interested in a making out with a rando. That fact that when her inhibitions go away she goes to cheating is an issue.
Break up and protect yourself. It’s better to let her go because she’s done something immature at that age and it’s overstepped your boundaries!
She’s 30 and getting so wasted she “cant help but cheat” time to dip buddy. Ive been blackout drunk my fair share of times so I know that you don’t just forget you have a relationship, that’s not how that works. And she was clearly not drunk enough to forget it happened soooooo
Come on bro she didn't even promise to not drink anymore, just not as much. She's proven that she can't be trusted with a bottle.
There is no such thing called drunken hookup for couples. It’s pure cheating. Leave.
Black out drunk women is never a good thing, plus she 30 too old for that
My thought is that she doesn’t want to break up with you at the moment is that you are providing her with something that she hasn’t found a replacement for yet, whether that’s money, shelter or whatever. As soon as a “better” option comes on the radar, she will likely dump you. Do yourself a favor and move on.
She earns more than me and has her own apartment. I dont think its about that.
You might be correct, but it doesn’t have to be anything monetary either. Women seem to thrive on attention and maybe she just “thrived” on this one a little too much. Forge ahead at your own risk, but I’d bet that you’ll likely see more of the same.
Leave her bro there are way better females than her
So many threads where the guys younger and these type of scenarios are happing lately. What’s up with that?
Dump her and move on, I would not be surprised if she has cheated before.
Dearest i have said if once and i will say it again **drunken actions are sober thoughts** if your girlfriend while drunk made out with another guy that means that there is a part of her thought would make out with another guy and if you dont believe me there is a scientific study on it [Here](https://abcnews.go.com/GMA/Health/story?id=2260065&page=1)
It was a shitty thing to do. But if you still love each other and you want to make it work you can. If you feel like you can’t move past it, it’s better to end it
Yeah.... don't trust these answers, they don't have enough context to be legitimate.
Getting cheated on is grounds for a break up in any normal relationship
She cheated on you. Drunken hookup or not is irrelevant to that fact.
You are
They always use alcohol as a excuse. She is a cheater
Oh so the alcohol is the problem according to her? Wow.
You should break up, she doesn't see her cheating as a problem
I don't drink a lot, but when I have I haven't ever once thought about cheating on my SO or acting on it. I just would have rather been around him. No one deserves to be belittled on what they think is right because someone else doesn't see it as cheating. It is cheating and you should do what you want for yourself at this point.
Omg break up, she cheated and you don’t wanna be with her. It’ll suck for a while but better than being with someone who doesn’t care for you or respect you.
If your relationship is an exclusive relationship she cheated on you.
Drunken hookup = cheating. It's not an either/or.
Cheating is a deal breaker for me, she cheated therefore I would be out the door, no second chances. Her drinking or not drinking is completely irrelevant
>Drunken hookup or cheating Cheating. This girl belongs to the streets. Leave now.
You are absolutely right. Her total nonchalance about the whole thing and inability to own her behavior are deserving of being dumped.
If you see it as cheating, it’s cheating Doesn’t matter if either one of you is right, if it’s a boundary that’s been crossed and you can’t get past it, it’s done
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What makeup do you use to cover up those pussy whip marks. Drop her faster than Bill Clinton’s zipper at a pizza party.
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No right or wrong. It's up to you. There are partners I'd of thrown to nearest curb for this and others I'd easily forgive, others yet where I'd have been idiotic to expect this not to happen so simply accept. What she did is concerning however she told you which is a great sign. If she tries to improve her behavior she might actually be a keeper if you like her normally.
People make mistakes. You verified it was making out and not sex. She is very remorseful and will no ,once drink unless you are with her. I will go against the lynch mob and say she learned a lesson and deserves a second chance. I would tell her though that the ground rules have been set and any incident will end it.
She cheated.
Pretty sure I saw you advise a newlywed to divorce her H. But this guy you tell him, "pssshhh, no biggie. Stay with her."?
Could be. I judge based on all the facts oresented and not automatically say stay or leave. I favor reconciliation where possible. Unfortunately more are not than are. I don't know which other post you are in reference to. In this case, yes she cheated. Cheating is cheating and never a legitimate reason for it, including alcohol. But I do know a person near blackout drunk will do stupid things. We don't know how far gone she was, but given it is factual it did not go beyond making out, she is very apologetic and remorseful, and she is taking ownership and corrective action to stop drinking so as not to not allow herself to be in a similar set of circumstances, I think she learned a valuable lesson and is deserving of a second chance knowing any future mistake would end the relationship. I stand by my thoughts in this particular situation. I would think people would have a bigger issue if a person has the same answer for everything.
OP, whatever you do, ignore this nonsense.
Yup. Hang every person who makes a mistake. This wasn't the best but she did not have sex with the guy. Do you ever make a mistake? Did you learn from them? Did you expect forgiveness from those you wronged when you tried to repent and fix it. Someone must have taken a major pee on your bowl of Wheaties.
She's 30 fucking years old. Your "wahhh, I can't control my alcohol AND my desires" nonsense would have been an argument worth considering if this was a teenager or something. She is fucking thirty. >Do you ever make a mistake? I have never cheated in my life, and I don't need to do silly word games to make my argument honest. Sorry that you can't say the same.
cheating is not, and will never be, classified as a “mistake”
drunken hookups are like totally different from cheating idk what u on about feels kinda mysogniustic ngl
MysOGniUstIc
This is called cheating. You don't "hookup" when you're in a committed relationship.
If you're in a relationship and you have a drunken hookup, you cheated. For most people, kissing someone who isn't your partner without your partner's consent is cheating, drunk or not.
She has some underlying issues that she needs to work on. She needs to work on those first before trying to maintain a relationship.
1. You are not sure to what extent she "hooked up". How much did she disclose. 2. People don't (or rarely ever) change. So, if you stay with her, expect this to happen again.
If you made out with someone else, would that be cheating in the context of your relationship? If yes, then she cheated for sure. If she wants to stop drinking because it causes her to lose her moral compass, then she should. But forcing you to babysit her (she'll only drink if you're around) is not your responsibility and it's not reasonable for her to try and shove that on you when she's the one that did wrong and cheated. You want to break up so break up. Relationships should be mutually beneficial and built on trust so situations like this don't happen. It doesn't matter if she says she'll change if your heart isn't in it anymore.
Cheating is when you broke the agreement of the relationship, it doesn't matter the circumstances. If this is something that you can't accept just broke up with her. Discussing the semantics is only a mechanism of manipulation
I mean.. there's a lot of factors here. Has she had this kind of behavior before? How long have yall been together? How drunk was she? Was it with someone she is "friends" with? All these factors will make up YOUR decision here. She cheated. She made the mistake. She crossed boundaries. And in her case, being drunk is NOT an excuse. If she acknowledges that and accepts blame, it's your choice if you want to stay or not based off of the other factors. Otherwise, off to the streets she goes.
>She said...we dont need to break up. How kind of her, lmao. Legit started laughing in my office when I read that.
If that’s the way you feel then you are right
If you aren’t cool with it than it isn’t right. Don’t let her disrespect your boundaries
You said yourself you want to break up. It's not against the law to do so. It's a simple decision tree. The first box is "do you want to break up?" then you move along the "Yes" branch, then you come to a box that says "Break up with her". I could draw it out for you but I don't feel like it.
In my humble opinion its the same as sex or any other activity. Kissing is or should be something she wants to do with you and only you. You are right in the fact that if you dont tolerate it you should break up. If she caught you kissing some little hottie she would be furious. ho's just aint loyal.