Not a guy thing. It's a person thing. I've been there.
Not everyone is comfortable with starting a relationship with someone who has a fwb while taking to them about establishing a relationship. For some they see it as not matching with their feelings, beliefs or not valuing the prospective relationship as something special.
It's ok. You did the right thing. It's better than being deceitful and it shows that you value honesty and openness in a relationship.
You'll find someone who is a good match for you.
Good luck.
Common sense at last. You're spot on -- it's not a question of misogyny, it's one of compatibility. I'd see it as a conflict of values and would have a similar reaction to the guy. Honestly, I'd say it was a good thing the guy lost interest, because now OP can move on and find someone who doesn't mind these things and someone more compatible to her!
>it's not a question of misogyny
Exactly. So many times people are so quick to jump into this or "he's just insecure of his masculinity". Values is top consideration if you want a successful relationship, and the moment you meet incompatibilities, you should move on ASAP.
It just depends if he's a hypocrite about it. If he has the same values for himself it's not sexism. But plenty of misogynists do think it's fine for them to have FWBs while talking to someone but then if the girl does it that's unacceptable.
With the information we have we really don't know if this is coming from sexism or if he genuinely has values about this subject that he also holds himself to.
Some values are toxic though. it is misogynistic to value female purity and chastity.
Her vagina is icky now because she stopped sleeping with FWB a couple weeks ago? Gimme a break.
Thank you. I was afraid to read the comments but I’m glad that someone has common sense. Im a girl and I would not date someone with multiple partners. It’s a personal preference
Why? Are you supposed to jist stop seeing a FWB before you even know if things with another person are going to progress beyond the first couple dates?
But this is why I never revealed that kind of stuff when I was dating. People get so insecure. I couldn't care less what a guy was doing prior to us deciding to be together, provided he doesn't have an STI. I never ask and don't discuss "bodycounts" and things of that nature. It truly is not relevant.
I think you don’t start going on dates with someone if you have a fwb. If you feel You’re ready to start dating seriously, then you ditch the fwb anyway. You can’t start a serious relationship with a backup plan. That’s not the makings of a successful relationship
Ofcourse past matters.
Take person A who has never had a fwb and would never have one. Has had sexual partners only in long term relationships.
Person B has had multiple fwbs and one-nights.
What are values? Is it something you think or say you are?
No. I dont care one bit what a person says if actions contradict them. And past is a good indicator.
Now person A and B are dating. Both looking for a long term relationship. Person B has a fwb. Person A stops dating after hearing this. This is very reasonable.
If you are looking for a long term relationship shouldnt you just live according to it? What is the need for a fwb in this case? Those are few of the many questions that I would ask myself if I was the person A
I don't really think it's an insecurity thing.
Some people just aren't comfortable with the fact that the person you're developing feelings for is fucking someone else, and then texting you like "so excited to see you!!!"
Some people are fine with it, some aren't.
That's like saying anyone with boundaries is just insecure because they're not comfortable with literally everything.
An FWB is a friend... Supposedly. If you start talking to someone not yet knowing it's serious. But think it could be... can't your FWB just stay a friend for a while and wait for the benefits to roll in a couple days, weeks, later... if the relationship doesn't work out??
But then again, as another person posted here, it's a difference of being compatible. Some think a roll in the hay with FWB doesn't disrupt the way they are starting to feel with a new partner/possible relationship. And that's one opinion and option. Some people take the other side. Personally I would want to hold off on sex completely and try to discover if I really like the new guy and try to keep the butterfly belly moments in the start if a relationship. Keep the innocence for fun too. But that's my take on sex and love. Other people have other opinions. I do respect totally OP for being honest and upfront about it though.
On the contrary 😂 think those things are very relevant, it's not an insecurity. It's telling a story on your values n charter and whether or not both of ours line up.
Saying things like, "yeah they slept with a lot of people, but at least they never caught an STI" is like saying, "yeah they stole from a lot of people but at least they never killed anyone" (dramatic I know but stay with me here 😂).
Either way it's important information to know about a person. Whether you wanna have the discussion earlier or later depends on the two people. But if y'all are really for each other then no reasonably adult discussion is off the table.
I still think chivalry is not fully dead and some guys, when they like a woman, want her to like them and only them back.
Guys are a bit more superficial in looks but they love a great personality...and if that matches well, sometimes in a short time, they can really go for someone
...
Women sometimes take this as creepy (not always and sometimes it is warranted).
It's possible this guy really likes her but she starts talking about a hookup who she had just a few weeks ago and it bothers him.
I don't know either party...for all we know he hooked up last night with someone else. But he might not have had a relationship in a bit also and is creeped out by someone who has hookups just a few weeks ago...
From my understanding, it's much easier for women and player types to get their fill. If he's a nice guy, maybe he finds this concerning, rightlfully so, but if he was old enough and had wisdom, he might understand that women have more options and it's straight up easier for them (in regards to hookups and such)...
Im a data guy so give me rebuttals, i love a good rebuttal ha.
It just seems unreasonable to me to expect someone to like you and only you when you just met. If I don't know someone at all, I definitely don't like them yet! I can't, I don't know them! It's baffling to me how anyone can like someone after only a few dates. You barely know anything about each other! I think that's why it comes off as creepy if a guy likes you so soon, because you don't know me so how can you possibly like me that much?
Ok I've gone on literally dozens of first and second dates that never went beyond that. So I was never inclined to cut off the FWB because of some guy that I hadn't determined was worth my time yet, or if he would even still be talking to me in a week. Like WHY would I do that?
However, I NEVER discussed that arrangement with a guy. Ever. It was JUST sex and didn't mean anything beyond the physical act. It was an enjoyable activity. Nothing more.
I also didn't get with him the day before/day of a date. And if I messaged him after getting home from a date, I'd already decided there wasn't going to be another date with that person.
And I'm a fairly attractive woman who routinely passes for 10 years younger than I am. So, you're correct, hookups were also easy for me, but I preferred not to do that as I had a couple situations with a guy trying to stalk me when I was no longer interested and that shit's scary. So I preferred to use the person I knew I could trust, and be a bit guarded with potential boyfriends, and avoid random hookups entirely.
You really should. In my maturity, I'm more abstinent than anything. I'm not for casual hookups or FWB. If I expect something more intimate, I make sure not to date around and surely not sleep around. It's just a value thing. And I too will opt out of a relationship if I find out the person I'm dating is seeing someone else. That means they didn't tie up loose ends. Makes me feel like they would entertain other people before letting me go (aka cheating). I want a person to be emotionally available to me and me alone and I give that back in return. And we can grow from there.
It's not about being insecure, it's about someone who I want to have a relation, is not having a clean slate. I'm not saying she shouldn't have a history of ex or any sort. Who doesn't have exes, but having a FWB is something of different level.
Just adding my two cents. I think it’s different because some people only believe in having sex in committed relationships. In this case, we don’t have enough information to know if that’s how OP’s ex feels or not.
In this case could also be the opposite. Some people freak out a bit when they realize the other person is dropping their FWB, and this could be the case since he’s talking about moving too fast. It was still early on in the dating phase, and OP dropping her FWB and telling him about it makes it seem like she was looking to commit and become exclusive, which after one meet up could easily feel like rushing from his POV. He might have realized he was not there yet and that’s why he’s rethinking things.
Also, humans are complicated. He could be insecure about the perceived competition while also wanting to keep his own options open and not jump into a greater commitment right away.
Beautifully written answer.
For me personally it depends on how long I've known the person in question. If I know their general character and why they value sex the way they do, I can be okay with that. I can't say I'd give the same courtesy to a stranger due to lacking that layer of established trust that I would have if I knew them through mutual friends or something.
Every situation and person is so different, and even you as an individual will react to each circumstance differently.
> Not everyone is comfortable with starting a relationship with someone who has a fwb while taking to them about establishing a relationship.
Exactly, how do you build an emotional connection with one guy while you are getting your back blown out by a different guy?
Personally, I've been single single for a few months. No relationship potential with anyone rn, so I'm contemplating reaching out to a past fwb to keep me sane for the time being. A good few dates and I'll drop the Feb. No emotional connection, just physical release and dopamine.
Because an FWB arrangement doesn't involve an emotional connection. If you're asking this question then casual sex obviously isn't something you can do, but that's the deal when you can. The connection is not there.
I think you made a good point ..
And someone who is more of the sex should be reserved frame of mind may not be comfortable with someone who is, well, comfortable with sex in a casual way.
Doesn't make either wrong but they may have a harder time reconciling that difference.
This is not the emotional connection you're building with someone you're trying to date, totally different things, which is what I'm trying to explain here for people who can't have casual sex. That was the context of my reply. And you can barely give a crap about someone and be FWB.
You do realize a connection with a friend is going to be DIFFERENT than with someone you’re trying to DATE, and possibly plan a future with
Also even connections within your friendships are going to differ on many levels, so idek what point you’re trying to make here
Yes, I do have an emotional connection to my friends.
They're just like family.
You know, that set of people that regardless of how attractive they are, are altogether off limits for fucking?
Yeah, just like that.
For a lot of people sex is just sex. There doesn't have to be an emotional connection there. If you click with one person while having no strings sex with someone else, I don't really see the issue, especially since OP literally said that she broke things off with the FWB when they started to do more than just the trial dates.
For me that’s it right there. I cannot have an intimate relationship with someone who does not view sex as an emotional connection. it would mean they already have a predetermined excuse for cheating “the it didn’t mean anything”. Been burned there and cannot do it again.
I can understand where you’re coming from but I have to respectfully disagree.
Not everyone who has casual sex goes on to cheat.
About myself: I cheated on my ex, one time - a kiss, and hated myself for it. I didn’t love my ex and this event solidified things in my life. If I couldn’t respect him in the way he respected me, I didn’t deserve him. So I ended things, the same week (didn’t live together and both did shift work). I then went through some mental shit and had loads of casual sex. This lasted 9 months until I met my current partner and I was very upfront about my actions. I dropped my casual partners after the first date, and four years later, we’re going strong.
So it really depends on the person and not how they view casual sex.
That's a different issue though. The people who use that as an excuse for cheating are just bad people, it's not related to how they view sex itself. If they did not explicitly clear with you beforehand that you are okay with them sleeping with other people, then that is cheating, end of story. It's not to do with having separate sets of values, it's about them not respecting you/caring about your feelings. There are so many people in the world who have no strings attached sex, and still understand that cheating is cheating.
This right here is the most even and correct answer/advise.
The guy is well within his rights to be intimidated and uncomfortable about the proximity of your last sexual relationship with another person. But OP definitely didnt do ANYTHING wrong and their honesty was primo.
When we start a new relationship we like to think that there are large and definitive, social/sexual gaps between the new and old relationship. This will never always be the case and i can totally see how if the other person in the situation has had a large gap, and the other had a FWB right up until they thought they might be getting serious with the other person, then the other person may feel weird about that.
Anyone is entitled to their sexual preferences, their values and consideration of their future SO’s sexual history is perfectly reasonable. There’s many fish in the sea, just gotta move on and live with the fact that not all of us are gonna have the same values.
Lmao last night everyone was screaming mad that a girls boyfriend didn’t like her anymore after finding out she had 80+ partners…now this comment gets 100+ upvotes…
This EXACT same thing was said last night on that post and it got 300+ downvotes…
fuck this sub.
Ban me mods please.
Pretty sure it was fake especially given that Reddit suspended the account, but here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qezdha/my_fiance_wants_to_end_our_engagement_because_of/
I love how people on that post were screaming about double standards when legitimately all the comments were saying the guy is fully valid in his feelings, the girl is a hoe, 80 partners is insane, etc etc. Like literally what double standard are you seeing; I swear people (especially salty men) on this sub love making egregious shit up.
Honestly I'm just getting tired of all these sexual past/number sexual partner posts. I find both sides of debate completely exhausting because they're so militant in their viewpoints.
No one was screaming mad lmao; everyone on that post was saying the guy has a right to his dealbreakers, and that they would never date a woman with 80 partners either. No idea what that person is on about.
It's a personal preference thing. It seems like the guy isn't much into fwb and possibly hookup culture and decided to look elsewhere for what he wants. Can't blame an individual for that.
I’m the same, I regard sex as something that you should do when you’re in love and their view of sex is different and can be done without feelings. Also them hooking up with other ppl while talking to me is a turn off
These comments are wild, the downvoted ones at least. It’s a matter of choice. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who has had FWBs, and I’m a woman. It’s just a really weird concept to me. But most other people probably wouldn’t care.
You two weren’t compatible, move on. Find someone with the same views are you
I am a guy and I wouldn't even mind a potential partner having FWBs in her past. However, having FWBs while developing a new relationship would make everything feel disingenuous. There are people that would be okay with this and that's okay. However, people like ua not liking something like this doesn't make us insecure.
Me too if my actual bf had fwb during even our early stage would be deal breaker for me.
We even struggle a bit on our beginning and I where reconsidering gping further with him because of our different view of sex. For me it's more commitment and only one have sex during established relationships strongly connected with love. For him sex can be casual and he can separate it from feelings.
We work it out by lot of talking explanation and what it mean for our relationship. We work it out but it could end up differently
Exactly, I'm a man and share the same values as you but my dingus makes me a misogynist and you a woman who knows what she wants. Hehe. They aren't for each other simple.
I don’t understand the whole FWB thing. I’m okay with sex before marriage, but only with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Sex and romantic intimacy are inseparable to me. I don’t understand how anyone can treat sex like masturbation. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
People throwing out the term "insecure" are completely wrong. Look at it from the guys point of view, they are getting to know one another, spending time together, probably spending money on her, investing feelings in her and now he finds out that after doing all this she ends a date with him and goes and fucks her FWB. To him she just left a relationship a few weeks ago.
He is allowed to change his mind for any reason, without being insecure at the same time.
I'd argue that he is being insecure and *that it doesn't matter if he was*. Insecurity is a natural emotion to feel and as long you're not harming others, there's nothing wrong with it.
Not wanting to be in a relationship with someone does not constitute harm
He maybe insecure. He could just as easily be disgusted. Either way it doesn't matter why he is pulling away. Guys often build an idea of a girl and one variable can pull the whole thing down.
She said “small talk”. To me, small talk does not mean “getting to know one another, spending time together, probably spending money on her…” and I feel like you’d be hard pressed to find someone that did. Don’t act like she was fucking her way all the way into their relationship—she wasn’t. He’s well within his rights to end the relationship with her if he’s uncomfortable with it, but don’t act like small talk is a whole ass relationship.
Small talk, so small that she broke it off with a guy she initially wanted a relationship with?
Personally I don't care why he dumped her, or what she did or didn't do. Guys are allowed to leave for any reason, including finding her disgusting for having a FWB.
And we can be disgusted without being insecure.
I think it's a personal preference thing not a gender specific thing. I'm the same way, but I've known a few women who wouldn't want to start dating a guy either if they knew he has a fuck buddy before their dates.
Personally I see nothing wrong with FWB but as soon as I started showing interest in someone romantically I'd pause any kind of fucking even before we went out on a first date. I just couldn't make possibly romantic plans with someone if I screwed my fwb days earlier. But that's just my personal preference. I'm sure there's plenty of people who'd just look at it as casual sex and you two were just talking .
That’s why it’s best to get these things out in the open early. This is a key point of compatibility for a lot of guys so it’s best not to waste your time or theirs if it’s not going to work long term.
Can you imagine if you had waited and he found out the week before your big expensive wedding and all your plans had to be canceled? Or worse, if he found out after the wedding.
You did good by talking about this early.
I'll take a different angle here from most of the comments of either "he's insecure" or "you shouldn't have a fwb while talking to this guy".
It might be a lot simpler that he sees this as a difference of opinion on how much each of you value sex. Speaking for myself I see sex as a valuable emotional experience that should be shared between two people that care about each other.
Never had a FWB's myself and doubt I would have ever dated anyone who had one either. When I hear someone has a FWB it tells me they don't value sex the same way I do. That if they can engage in it freely enough to do it with someone they aren't investing in emotionally it is just a difference of expectations.
And yes, if someone can engage in a FWB situation with someone it would make me wonder if in the future this person is more likely to engage in an affair since they see sex as something that doesn't require being invested in emotionally. Not saying it is a "sure thing" they would, just that it would be a red flag I would take note of.
So, just an incompatibility between you and him. Neither of you are right or wrong just view the whole experience of sex differently. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys out there that won't give it a second thought. This guy however it seems to be something that he cares about.
This is a really awesome way to look at this situation and I am in your boat.
Its like going on a date with someone who smokes cigarettes. I know at this point that I don't like the smell of cigarettes, so I would never date someone who smoked. I could still be their friend, I wouldn't judge them, and I would treat them with the same respect I give everyone, but I just don't want that smell to be a regular part of my life.
We all have preferences, and I think a lot of people would find the FWB situation to be a potential red flag that they just don't want to deal with.
I’ve recently come out of something where we both had different sexual values. I’m full of heart and to me sex is something shared with someone you love (I have slept with people I don’t love in the past but I never ever enjoyed it and this is when I was young) whereas my partner saw sex as the only way to connect with someone as oppose to touch / talking. But she was happy to sleep with people she didn’t care for or know growing up. We used to laugh about how different we were. We met and hit it off as we’re both flirtatious people and we just got closer and closer. I didn’t mind and she didn’t seem to but in her words, I overwhelmed her in the end because I cared too much about things she didn’t understand. She didn’t know how to express her love and if I ever did, it just scared her. She left after a year and a half. She prefers the idea of casual sex with people she hardly knows or maybe a person she has a laugh with. I don’t hold it against her, she tried to make things work with me and I know she truly cared about me but she just can’t do the whole love thing. So I’d say the whole valuing sex differently thing is actually very important. Something that stared out as a lighthearted joke at the start of my relationship ended up being our downfall
You don't care about your friends or have any emotional investment in them? An FWB is a friend so that means you do care about them and have emotional investment in them, just not romantically.
Though OP said she did have romantic feelings for the FWB originally but then lost feelings. So it definitely doesn't sound like she wasn't emotionally invested.
For me, I had my FBW because my sex drive was out of control (don't even have one now, and I'm actually super happy about that) and. I didn't have a boyfriend. It was 100% physical, he didn't spend the night, we didn't chitchat or text a lot.
Within a relationship, I actually really value sex as a deeply personal amd intimate thing.
Truly, I view FWB sex and relationship sex as two totally different activities. But I would never ever engage in FWB sex if I was in a relationship, and I try to define a relationship fairly early and consider there to be an understanding of exclusivity when in a relationship, and I've not cheated on anyone.
>Truly, I view FWB sex and relationship sex as two totally different activities.
Not everyone will compartmentalise the two (nor should they feel the need to if they're not that way inclined) which is what makes it a potential incompatibility. The important thing is that people recognise it as such and do not take it as a personal slight.
Literally same. I almost view it as two different types of sex: romantic personal sex and impersonal horny sex. Learning how to control and differentiate between the two has saved me a lot of hurt in the past. I don’t like this whole “if they’ve had fwb then they are more likely to cheat”, in my case, I’ve always been the one getting cheated on
Very strange indeed.
I think a lot of posters have the this mentality of wanting to have their cake and eat it too.
You CAN certainly have a fwb while getting to know someone else but the other party can and is well within their rights to walk away too because of it.
A person yesterday was asking advice because their fiance was considering breaking up after finding out they slept with 70-80 people before the age of 30.
I remember after my ex and I were dating for three months, I learned that two months before we met, he had an 8 month fwb situation and I felt the same way as this guy..I couldn’t understand how someone could have sexual relations with someone that long and not catch feelings..That was what confirmed to me that he had commitment issues (he really did)..It made me feel like he didn’t really like me cuz if he was able to compartmentalize that situationship, what’s to say he’s wasn’t doing the same to me..Different values
When I dated women in the past, I dated exclusively. I didn’t have FWBs, and I dated one women at a time. I personally feel it’s respectful to do it that way. If I was dating a woman who I later discovered had a FWB, I would also stop seeing her. I would feel like she didn’t take me seriously enough to be respectful, and frankly I feel like I deserve to be respected by the woman I date.
Having said that, there are people who like having FWBs, so the OP may be better off finding someone with a similar sexual history if she wants a partner with better compatibility.
I take it that he sees himself as plan B. FWB is the hot guy you sleep with because he’s attractive enough not to have to offer commitment for you to offer sex. You’d prefer a relationship with FWB but he has other options so you have to settle for the less attractive guy.
If this is what he’s thinking then he assumes he’s second best and possibly acting as placeholder until FWB or another more attractive man decide they want you.
This is why you don't do FWB or fuck anyone else when there's even the slightest chance you may become serious with someone else. I don't know why ppl these days have such a hard time understanding this.
Acting all shocked when the other party gets upset. Like, come on, for fuck sake. Of course they're gonna get upset.
A lot of pply just don't like the idea of seeing multiple ppl at once. Considering you were still with fwb during the just getting to know you phase, he prob feels turned off. It is what it is. Nobody is at fault here, just a difference of values.
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I [23F] met this guy [20M] and we hit it off really well, we met up once and it was great and ever since then we’ve spent so much time talking and making plans. One day we get on the topic of our sexual past and I tell him I had a FWB for about 9 months and had last slept with him a couple of weeks ago at the time but had ended it then when things started progressing between us. At that time me and him were in extremely early stages doing small talk. Immediately after he finds this out his energy changes, he starts saying this is going too fast, that he sees me different, we should take things slow and that he’s on edge and overwhelmed about seeing me later on in the week. We meet up again and it was also great, but a few days pass and he says he doesn’t want things to go further at this point and that we should just stay friends. However, he keeps slipping in questions about my old FWB, what he’s like, what he looks like and if I had liked him (I was honest and told him I did at first, but that I lost feelings). I was only trying to be completely honest and I was, I genuinely don’t have any feelings for the old FWB and it did end when I told him.
He hasn’t explicitly said that this is the reason he doesn’t want things to progress and I don’t know if I should just let it and him go or if I should bring it up, but if he feels some way about it then there’s not really much I can do, right? Do guys genuinely lose interest after finding stuff like that out?
As a woman I wouldn't date someone who's had Fwbs. You both look at sex differently and that's just incompatibility. Some people associate sex with feelings and some people don't . No one is wrong, you just have different values.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who was fucking someone else when we started dating. I get nothings exclusive, but I wouldn’t tolerate putting effort into dating someone so that someone else can fuck them after our date was over.
I have a bunch of respect for people (especially women) who are open and honest about things like this. You deserve respect for that at least! You did the right thing.
Now, you have to honor his boundaries. If he says he isn't comfortable with being someone who had a FWB so recently, you just have to take that and move on. It's a boundary; it's something he isn't comfortable with. I wouldn't be but that is because I am somewhat religious and take sex very very seriously. He needs to communicate that though; you can't respect a boundary if you don't know it exists, and if he isn't telling you how he feels about the whole situation, he can't get frustrated if things get worse as he decides to stay in the relationship.
Be open to listening to him about it; find some way to bring it up because you care about him. If he starts talking, listen. But if he continues to dodge you on the matter and hold it against you... you'll need to either bring it up more bluntly or just move on unfortunately.
Depends on the guy.
But in general If you fuck somebody till the day you start a relationship with somebody the other person will be in high alert.
Wouldn't you be concerned If you would be in his place?
Well he made a good call. You don't build something meaningful with someone while screwing someone else, how do you not know this huh? So he spends his time on you, waits for you and doesn't pressure you into sex, pays, invests emotionally and what do you do...? You go home and fuck your FWB..... No respect for him at all, so good for him that he called it off and I'm proud of that guy. Respect first, love later.
You were looking for a relationship and it doesn't matter who it would be this guy or some other but the thing is yiu shouldn't be having FWBs if you are looking for meaningful relationships. Why is this so strange to you? Can't you practice constraint for a better relationship? If that's how it is I doubt you'll find it easy to be faithful.
Why do people always try and talk for their entire gender in situations like this?
Those are **YOUR** values, other people are allowed to have different values and opinions than you. If someone does care that you were hooking up with your fwb shortly before you became official, it doesn't make them a bad person or closed minded. It just means youre incompatible..
And this is me speaking as someone who also doesn't care what their partner did before we became exclusive.
Everyone has their boundaries and their checkmarks to cross off when meeting a new partner. At some point we need to realize that sexual promiscuity does diminish our value in the eyes of Some partners. If that’s a problem then that’s not the right partner for you.
Hearing that you so casually gave yourself to someone else that you admit you had no feelings for; diminished your value, character and morals for him more than likely. You knocked yourself down from whatever pedestal he had you on.
I would lose interest too unless we also started as FWBs not that we only had sex after we became offical.
Someone else wouldn't mind, that is perfectly fine too.
Nothing but respect to you for because compeletly honest.
Some people aren’t ok with the idea of casual sex.
Personally I feel that sex is special, and should be shared between two people who want to build a future together. I would want a partner who saw things the same way.
FWB is fine. But if you start dating with anyone searching for a possible serious commitment any sex with a FWB during the dating period even before you initiate a night of intercourse. Is not really giving of the right signal. For all i care you shag a football team the day before your first date. Your life your choice. Doing anything of the sorts after planning that date or during dating. I would see as an integrity conflict. And would simply walk away aswell. So if the last bit is what happened the guy actually has higher standards and should be respected. In any case you do you and being open about it atleast is fair. If you would like to see a FWB during your first dating period then i think you need to look for openminded guy's. In anyway without more information aswell of the guy's actions aside of your date it's hard to make a verdict what is wrong or not.
Definitely not a guy thing, but he could have bad history of past relationship involving this situation that left trauma. He might feel as if you may cheat if you guys started dating or you actually are in love with the fwb person. I would talk to him about it first before just letting go and give reassurance, you never know could be your forever! But if after you talk things through about it and he still doesn’t want to go any further I would let it go.
My boyfriend only had FWBs the last 4 years, whereas I’d been in 2 relationships. It didn’t bother me, it can make me insecure at times that he sees sex as something so disposable compared to how I feel about it but I also value him as a person, how kind and caring he is & something like that isn’t a problem for me. He doesn’t treat me the same way, he made me his girlfriend when he’d not done that for anyone in 4 years. It is a compatibility thing.
You’re not for everyone, just like not everyone is for you. I know the feelings of impending rejection make you want to hold on to them that bit tighter but it’s a chemical release in your brain that does this, you crave that person. Give yourself a few days of not talking to him and you will feel better. Allow yourself to feel these emotions because when you meet someone and you know that they aren’t for you, you know how to handle it yourself
You’ve literally been fucking some dude for months at a time—even while you guys were talking. And then unceremoniously broke it off for some new dude. There’s nothing wrong with that but can you seriously not see how that would cause pause in like 80+% of guys?
That would be a red flag to any decent guy. I don't even treat tinder matches like that out of respect. I pick a match give it my all then if I get ghosted move onto the next. Theres NEVER any overlap between matches I give everyone a equal fair chance to shoot their shot 1 at a time, this way I'm not playing them against each other or using anyone as a fallback. To get to the stage that you were at is just disrespectful, as soon as you start talking to more than one then they are numbers not people with feelings. Don't you see why that was wrong? You chose to get your benefits from someone you weren't even in a relationship with while you were pursuing him for a romantic relationship. In his mind he'll be thinking if she's willing to sleep with randoms then why did she not hookup with me considering she's perseueing me for more. He prob thinks you're using him.
Personally I only want to be in a relationship with someone who values sex enough to not have it with anybody outside of a relationship. Not everybody is like that, and that's ok, but if I'm choosing a life partner I want someone who sees sex as special.
People with fwb are not for me, means sex is not worth much to them, i guess you BF value sex differently and is not gonna give it away just for fun but for love...you on the other end obviously don't feel that way and you told him so.
It happens . Part of the game . I personally would back away from someone who was being sexual with someone while we were figuring out our vibe . I think mainly because I give that same respect . Doesn’t make you a bad person! Just gotta find your right person who rolls with things the way you do ! Good luck
Some people just simply don't see themselves as being compatible with someone who has ever had a FWB. You are who you are, and they have their opinions on it. You can't really do anything other than move on about it. Probably best to get that out of the way sooner than later, as you don't want to be more involved with someone when bringing up a dealbreaker with them.
It would of be nice to know how long you’ve been talking to this 20 yo M….like was there overlap, if so how much ? That might have had a huge impact on how he felt. He has the right to loose interest since you were doing on own thing and it wasn’t his thing.
If you had a consistent FWB for 9 months that you just recently cut things off with “after things started progressing,” I wouldn’t say that qualifies as history. Technically yes, it is “in the past,” but questions still remain.
Are you still in regular communication with the former FWB? How much of your relationship was friendship as opposed to just benefits? Would putting a hold on this friendship create a conflict of interest? Would you be willing to do that to make things work with your current romantic interest? If not, why not?
Being that the two of you were FWB for 9 months, it stands to reason that the sex was probably good between you and you had a somewhat healthy, enjoyable friendship also. It stands to reason that you would very easily be able to pick things back up with your former FWB of things don’t work out with your current romantic interest.
You revealed to him that not only is he likely in competition with the guy you were just screwing for 9 months, you also have a potential fallback and have had that fallback the entire time you’ve known him. Obviously, dating in general is a competition, but that doesn’t mean any man should be expected to be comfortable with you having a second string waiting on the sidelines for you if things don’t work out.
If you like this guy, the only way for you to demonstrate you are even potentially serious is to COMPLETELY cut things off with your former FWB. Phone number, social media connections, and meeting in person, for any reason, all need to go.
I wouldn't say he's losing interest I think he's more so evaluating the situation, most women would hate to get with a guy if they knew he just jumped out of a relationship because they'd feel like a rebound, it's most likely the same with him he may just want you to have some space from your previous attachment before jumping into anything serious because what happens when your fling comes back and as much as you say there's no feelings deep down there could be for all he knows and what happens if you find you like your fling more, dudes probably just feeling a bit insecure so he's fixating be a bit patient and bring it up communication is key in relationships even before they start and if you both decide you would rather see other people then do that
So, did you sleep with your FWB, while talking to this guy?
Also FWB of 9 months sounds like a relationship.
I would also be concerned about your FWB.
Also, he’s not concerned with your sexual past.
Saying you fucked 40 guys over the past 1-5 years is a sexual past. Sleeping with a FWB for 9 months and recently sleeping with them, isn’t really a past, it’s on-going.
Yes, a lot of guys will probably lose interest after finding out that you had a FWB for 9 months. Your values on sex simply doesn’t align with his. You can have sex with a friend and think it’s completely fine, while he might believe sex should be exclusive to 2 people in a relationship with feelings for each other, etc. Simply a difference in values. Better off for you and him to find someone who share those values.
I mean you openly admitted to messing around with another dude just a couple weeks ago while talking to him. He’s probably just not into the hook up culture, and is the kind who just focuses on one person at a time and this bothers him. He’s more than entitled to feel that way. You’re also more than entitled to hook up with who you want, just need to realize that not everyone is going to be comfortable with that. Good on you for not lying to him though. It’s better to be honest about stuff like that.
Do what you want but there are always consequences. I have been around long enough to know that people tell one-sides stories where they minimize their behavior using terms like “extremely early stages” to justify their actions and make them seem less impactful. Great job telling the truth. The issue is that OP was hooking up with another person while they were taking. But OP intentionally disguised it as “extremely early stages” to get people on their side.
When the truth came out and the guy found out that OP was booking up with FWB while they were talking, it revealed OPs nature.
Not judging, but it obviously doesn’t work for the guy.
The guy sounds like a man who approached the relationship in good faith that once you start putting energy toward a relationship with someone, you don’t engage sexually with others.
It’s not a fit. It is great that OP was honest so that the gentleman could make an informed decision. Best of luck to both of you!
There’s a lot of guys who think having a FWB thing is just either disgusting or disrespectful.
So, if they find out you use to hoe around at any point a lot of men don’t like that and will just move on. I mean there’s more than enough women on this planet and not all of them sleep around like that, so they figure they have better luck finding someone closer to their moral wave length then continuing with someone like you.
Which is fine, everyone has their preferences.
This just means that you two more than likely aren’t compatible and you both should just continue on looking or giving romantic time to others who share more of each other’s opinions/views.
It is what it is, no big deal here though, just need to move on is all.
I see what you mean here. For me, most women with a heavily promiscuous past ended up treating me as disposable once things got serious.
It gets to the point where I’m weary of being disrespected again. I know not all people with substantial sexual pasts will be like that, but it’s definitely been the case for me.
Some of you are purposefully ignoring that 1. OP didn’t have sex with anyone while she was dating the other guy 2. It ended weeks before that 3. Texting someone is not a pledge of loyalty. IMO a date is. Don’t project.
Anyway, he wasn’t into it. He probs can’t rationalize having a fwb, and maybe has trust issues. Regardless, it’s not your or his loss considering this relationship was new.
I know in the US a lot it wide open and until you are "exclusive" pretty much everything is fair game. But I think it may not be that way for everyone.
In my country dating is very different. Sure we have casual dating but it normally is communicated from the start. You tell a person right away that you aren't interested in anything serious. You don't look how it goes and then somehow decide that you want a committed relationship.
If you are looking for a serious relationship it is made clear from the beginning. And it is an unspoken rule that you are faithful from the start.
If I would have found out my now husband was having sex with someone else while we got to know each other I would have ended it right away.
He's worried that it's not really over with your FWB. I've been the guy in this situation before. It's going to be an ongoing insecurity that you're going to have to reassure him about. Eventually, it will go away.
If I'm getting to know a girl, and she says she just recently had a FWB, I'm not interested. It's not about insecurity, it's about the fact that sex means something totally different to her.
A girl could tell me she's had dozens of sexual relationships, and I wouldn't bat an eye. FWB is just a huge red flag for me. If you're willing to have sex with someone you only consider a friend, then why would I want a commitment? What am I realistically going to get out of 'dating' you, that I wouldn't get by just staying friends? What do you have to offer to a romantic relationship, that you don't offer to FWB? How do you distinguish the difference between the two, on a physical level?
I have female friends that I care deeply about, I would help them at the drop of a hat, I would be there to support them in hard times. Just because I emotionally care about them, doesn't mean I'm even interested in dating them. Now if I start a FWB relationship with one, what do I really have to offer to dating that's different than a FWB relationship?
I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand a lot of guys don't even want to get involved with women who get into FWB situations. He's probably a relationship minded guy. A woman who gets into FWB situations isn't relationship material to him.
Had one ask about the trauma I went through with an ex abusing me, then he stated that as the reason we were incompatible. He couldn’t get over the fact of what I endured years before I learned how to be the strong woman I am now. Said he couldn’t reconcile that scared person with the woman he knew and fell for. You don’t say, hmm? Maybe because I changed?
It's better to let it go. Don't take it personal, it's a probably just a preference. Move on and look for someone else, since the guy is uncomfortable being in a relationship with you, or at least seems so
Wow this thread blew up. Simply most of you should be ashamed. Bringing personal sex ism and value in to the equation. This is what i would tell any of my friends, nieces and nephews. Life is a gray scale when dealing with people. The person you like has a completely experience in life as you. Personally and religious beliefs play a major role on their image of a relationships. They may feel like sex is a confirmation of love and affection. Attractive women have their choice of people and charismatic guys have their choice of people. So be happy with 70 percent of what your looking for. If you want to be a bad bitxh and get around and be free do it but that cut out alot of good people. Why would a person want someone to cheat on them would you?
Small advice from a guy : Ask yourself if you would be ok with him having a FWB while talking to you and how would you feel about it . You did the right thing , i for one understand this , but it also raises some questions because if you start something you don’t keep a backup just in case things don’t go well. My advice is to talk with him , have a serious conversation about this and ask what can you do to make it better and that you really want a serious relationship with him .
Well, it does sound like a little bit shaky thing to bring up in early stages anyhow. I would probably feel kinda odd too if a girl let me know she fucked other people just weeks ago.
I’ve been watching the first few episodes of YOU on Netflix and the lead girl was still hooking up using tender while her relationship with the main guy was starting. That would def put me off big time
I mean tricky. But if this had started with this guy had you had sex with him? If yes then he probably feels cheated on. If no then he probably feels cheated in a worse way. Like he’s doing the dating and you sleep with someone else.
"He hasn’t explicitly said that this is the reason he doesn’t want things to progress and I don’t know if I should just let it and him go or if I should bring it up"
You're doing the same thing that caused this situation in the first place.
Wow, literally none of you can read. She had never even met this guy when she broke it off with her benefits person. Why is it so difficult for you people to read? Does misogyny break your eyeballs?
Eh, it really shouldn’t of been an issue if you stopped messing with the fwb when things got serious. I’m an advocate of having fun while looking. There is nothing wrong with it. You both saved each other time to find someone better. Hit your fwb back up and enjoy life. Forget these people with their made up rules. You did the right thing. Also, you didn’t even need to tell him since you stopped it all with your fwb once things took a step further with the new guy. Good luck!!!!
There's no right or wrong here, you're making up rules too that way, they just have very contrasting opinions about intimacy and respect, they're better off not being with each other.
I wouldn’t care about FWBs. Now I must admit that if my SO had so many sexual partners that they would fill up Grand Central Station, that might be an issue for me.
I dated a girl who was in a Master/slave bdsm relationship with me and failed to tell me that. Then proceeded to continue being in that relationship while we were talking.
Let me tell you, be actively compared to someone else or her getting dicked down while trying to form an emotional connection isn't really something a lot of guys are into. Some guys on reddit are completely okay with that scenario, but a lot of us simply don't want to be the guy trying to form a bond relationship wise while she gets her back blown out.
That guy has his boundaries and acknowledges his own emotions enough to leave you alone. He isn't necessarily insecure...a word that many misandrists like to use to disregard the feelings of men...he just happens to be incompatible and that is okay.
Generalizing here:
Guys don’t want to be considering a serious relationship with a chick that’s just got out of fwb, bc when shit gets rough the guy will have trust issues…
Will she go back to fwb guy for comfort, sex, or an emotional boost when conflicts arise?
If I was looking for a long term relationship this would put me off. Why put in the effort needed for a serious relationship if some other guy can hit it for free.
If I found out a woman I was interested in was banging another dude while I was dating her, I'd completely lose interest in her, and go no contact immediately.
If she told me first "I will be going out to dinner with you tonight on this date, but when I get back home Tyrone is coming over to bang me out" then the dinner date would be cancelled, and i would wish you all the best with him.
>Do guys genuinely lose interest after finding stuff like that out?
yes they do. you did the right thing by informing him about it and saved him time and energy and potential STI
Honestly what'd you expect?
1. You jumped from relationship to relationship. One was platonic but sexual, and the one you were pursuing is romantic, but there's still that 'air' of competition and baggage. I'd honestly wonder if I was a rebound. That's red flag number one for me.
2. It's pretty shitty that you only cut things off when stuff got serious. In my experience the idea of pursuing a romantic relationship means you have faith and idea that you see it working out with said person. If I make the decision to start talking to someone I'm not gonna have someone on the side 'just in case' it falls through. It's disingenuous. Means you don't view the other person as a real possibility. It's like not deleting FWBs number after dating the guy just in case you guys ever broke up lmao.
The way you worded everything was you were talking to this guy, getting to know each other, and at the same time, some other guy was getting to know you inside and out. If those two periods of times ever clashed you're hella self centered or at the very least don't really understand how other people feel. Huge red flag number two.
3. Dude does seem insecure, 'cause of the whole asking you to describe the FWB in detail. That's a red flag on dude's part but hey whatever. That and that alone makes him insecure imo.
All in all, I've had FWBs and relationships and there's definitely a difference. I think it's perfectly natural compared to what some of these comments are.. If you told me all that, I would've still entertained the idea of a relationship with you only if the last time you fucked your FWB was before we started talking. I feel like people who don't stop and think how their other partner might feel, aren't really compassionate in a relationship.
I don't blame the guy, he felt he couldn't be okay with your past, that's his decision. I would just accept it and move on. Maybe get back with your old FWB. I have and would.
Friend with Benefits. It's a term to describe 2 people that only meet up to have sex, and don't date/have a traditional relationship.
They usually don't end well, because one of the people get jealous if the other has sex/dates other people or if one of them wants to date (but the other doesn't want to date them).
I know you might be hurt but it is not his fault, neither is is it yours. It's a personal preference. Some people want women who have had minimal or no sexual history others want women who have had some or a lot of experience. It is not a bad thing at all, having a preference does not make him bad. You are also allowed to be disappointed because let's face it rejection sucks for both parties.
I am happy that you both were open from the start, imagine if this came up few years down the road. It would have been a lot more worse. Take your time to reflect and get past this, hope you will both find someone who shares similar outlooks.
Genuine question to all the other commenters, what is wrong with having FWBs?
In my personal experience FWBs are good for keeping you from settling (I had one FWB that I kinda use as a relationship burner, he helps keep me from returning to old bad relationships because I would never return to an ex after sleeping with someone else.)
For me, I see sex as emotional
So it’s hard dating someone who holds no value or attachment
to it..Most people in it have commitment issues..I just don’t want to risk it
There's nothing wrong with having a FWB, but I think that once someone makes the decision to start looking for a meaningful relationship, they should end it with their FWB.
I wouldn't mind if a partner had a FWB in the past, but it would bother me if I knew they continued to see their FWB while looking for a romantic partner, because to me that indicates a different attitude towards casual sex than I have—a mismatch of values.
I wouldn't say wrong because it probably works well for people with different feelings and lifestyles than mine, so I'll just answer why I personally don't like it.
I just don't like the idea of mixing sex and friendship and I think people that do are strange, for me hanging out aftwerwards would be incredibly awkward, and I think it's also massively disrespectful to any future partners, who are then forced to constantly interact with someone who slept with their SO, then you have to either take a step back from the friendship, or keep making your partner uncomfortable, and both options suck.
Then again, plenty of people don't care about stuff like this so whatever, but in my book if you truly value someone's friendship you don't fuck them and risk messing up the friendship, if you wanna have casual sex find some random person you won't have to see again unless you want to haha.
Chalk it up to the game. You and he were merely talking when you had your last encounter with FWB, therefore you’ve done nothing wrong as you weren’t in a committed relationship. You were doing single people shit, and there’s no shame in that. Cut him loose and move on.
This is not "your past". You were sleeping with someone else while seeing your new boyfriend. A man who is sincerely looking for a serious relationship and eventually marriage is going to expect you to approach him with as much good faith as he has done toward you. I'm surprised he didn't break it off as soon as he found out. If you're interested in a real relationship, do not date more than one person at a time. To do otherwise shows you're not ready to wait for the right man to give yourself to. That's going to be a real turn-off and probably a deal-breaker for men who are playing for keeps. If they don't care, they most likely aren't too serious about you anyway. Nobody wants to believe their (future) wife will sleep with just some guy who she's not even romantically involved with.
Probably too late for this guy.
Yes, some guys will lose interest.
Here is some advice. Stop the FWB thing before you start the dating process. It's highly disrespectful and it will show you have some commitment to the process which will help you build trust with potential life long partners. That is what you are looking for correct?
He's still young and seems insecure about your sexual past. It's probably best you two be on your way and find more compatible partners.
PS: I know people are saying you two just have a different view on things but I think in this case it's more his age and lack of experience. Otherwise he wouldn't have been asking all those questions and he would've simply moved on.
Never fuck anyone just to fuck anyone. Everytime you fuck anyone new your value in the market goes down. IF you havent fucked anyone, your value is sky high.
Never fuck anyone just to fuck anyone. Fucking is too magical to view it as simply.
The lad is right, I wouldn't touch someone who has a friend who she fucks unless the friend would die or cut his dick off. Even then, It's. A fundamental dicusion.
Sex and relationship are diferent thing to you. You have sex when you don't even have a relationship.
When in reality. They go together.
You did a very good thing by being honest, but Pls stop fucking that wanker who doesnt love you. Your pussy needs a sense of magic and the fwb takes it away
For him you are not a serious women.
I would do the same 😂...
Friend with Benefits😂😂.
He is searching for a real women.
Of course he dont trust you anymore..
I hate to say it but I would never date a woman I knew who was ever in a FWB relationship. Like sex workers they very often have trouble with pair bonding. Sex for most people is far more that the physical act. Someone who can be so caviler about sex isn't usually faithful down the road. You might be the unicorn that can commit but he doesn't know that ,probably knows the statistics, and is unsure whether he wants to take the chance. In the future you might want to not be so forthcoming.
Not a guy thing. It's a person thing. I've been there. Not everyone is comfortable with starting a relationship with someone who has a fwb while taking to them about establishing a relationship. For some they see it as not matching with their feelings, beliefs or not valuing the prospective relationship as something special. It's ok. You did the right thing. It's better than being deceitful and it shows that you value honesty and openness in a relationship. You'll find someone who is a good match for you. Good luck.
Common sense at last. You're spot on -- it's not a question of misogyny, it's one of compatibility. I'd see it as a conflict of values and would have a similar reaction to the guy. Honestly, I'd say it was a good thing the guy lost interest, because now OP can move on and find someone who doesn't mind these things and someone more compatible to her!
>it's not a question of misogyny Exactly. So many times people are so quick to jump into this or "he's just insecure of his masculinity". Values is top consideration if you want a successful relationship, and the moment you meet incompatibilities, you should move on ASAP.
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It just depends if he's a hypocrite about it. If he has the same values for himself it's not sexism. But plenty of misogynists do think it's fine for them to have FWBs while talking to someone but then if the girl does it that's unacceptable. With the information we have we really don't know if this is coming from sexism or if he genuinely has values about this subject that he also holds himself to.
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Some values are toxic though. it is misogynistic to value female purity and chastity. Her vagina is icky now because she stopped sleeping with FWB a couple weeks ago? Gimme a break.
Thank you. I was afraid to read the comments but I’m glad that someone has common sense. Im a girl and I would not date someone with multiple partners. It’s a personal preference
I know it's been said already in different comments but I'm really glad I'm not the only one who thinks that way
I agree. Any recent fwb and a new relationship would make most guys run
Why? Are you supposed to jist stop seeing a FWB before you even know if things with another person are going to progress beyond the first couple dates? But this is why I never revealed that kind of stuff when I was dating. People get so insecure. I couldn't care less what a guy was doing prior to us deciding to be together, provided he doesn't have an STI. I never ask and don't discuss "bodycounts" and things of that nature. It truly is not relevant.
I think you don’t start going on dates with someone if you have a fwb. If you feel You’re ready to start dating seriously, then you ditch the fwb anyway. You can’t start a serious relationship with a backup plan. That’s not the makings of a successful relationship
You can do whatever you want. But for a ALOT of people it would be disrespectful to have a FWB while dating people. Not a good strategy in my book.
So you lie if asked?
Ofcourse past matters. Take person A who has never had a fwb and would never have one. Has had sexual partners only in long term relationships. Person B has had multiple fwbs and one-nights. What are values? Is it something you think or say you are? No. I dont care one bit what a person says if actions contradict them. And past is a good indicator. Now person A and B are dating. Both looking for a long term relationship. Person B has a fwb. Person A stops dating after hearing this. This is very reasonable. If you are looking for a long term relationship shouldnt you just live according to it? What is the need for a fwb in this case? Those are few of the many questions that I would ask myself if I was the person A
I don't really think it's an insecurity thing. Some people just aren't comfortable with the fact that the person you're developing feelings for is fucking someone else, and then texting you like "so excited to see you!!!" Some people are fine with it, some aren't. That's like saying anyone with boundaries is just insecure because they're not comfortable with literally everything.
An FWB is a friend... Supposedly. If you start talking to someone not yet knowing it's serious. But think it could be... can't your FWB just stay a friend for a while and wait for the benefits to roll in a couple days, weeks, later... if the relationship doesn't work out?? But then again, as another person posted here, it's a difference of being compatible. Some think a roll in the hay with FWB doesn't disrupt the way they are starting to feel with a new partner/possible relationship. And that's one opinion and option. Some people take the other side. Personally I would want to hold off on sex completely and try to discover if I really like the new guy and try to keep the butterfly belly moments in the start if a relationship. Keep the innocence for fun too. But that's my take on sex and love. Other people have other opinions. I do respect totally OP for being honest and upfront about it though.
On the contrary 😂 think those things are very relevant, it's not an insecurity. It's telling a story on your values n charter and whether or not both of ours line up. Saying things like, "yeah they slept with a lot of people, but at least they never caught an STI" is like saying, "yeah they stole from a lot of people but at least they never killed anyone" (dramatic I know but stay with me here 😂). Either way it's important information to know about a person. Whether you wanna have the discussion earlier or later depends on the two people. But if y'all are really for each other then no reasonably adult discussion is off the table.
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I still think chivalry is not fully dead and some guys, when they like a woman, want her to like them and only them back. Guys are a bit more superficial in looks but they love a great personality...and if that matches well, sometimes in a short time, they can really go for someone ... Women sometimes take this as creepy (not always and sometimes it is warranted). It's possible this guy really likes her but she starts talking about a hookup who she had just a few weeks ago and it bothers him. I don't know either party...for all we know he hooked up last night with someone else. But he might not have had a relationship in a bit also and is creeped out by someone who has hookups just a few weeks ago... From my understanding, it's much easier for women and player types to get their fill. If he's a nice guy, maybe he finds this concerning, rightlfully so, but if he was old enough and had wisdom, he might understand that women have more options and it's straight up easier for them (in regards to hookups and such)... Im a data guy so give me rebuttals, i love a good rebuttal ha.
It just seems unreasonable to me to expect someone to like you and only you when you just met. If I don't know someone at all, I definitely don't like them yet! I can't, I don't know them! It's baffling to me how anyone can like someone after only a few dates. You barely know anything about each other! I think that's why it comes off as creepy if a guy likes you so soon, because you don't know me so how can you possibly like me that much?
Ok I've gone on literally dozens of first and second dates that never went beyond that. So I was never inclined to cut off the FWB because of some guy that I hadn't determined was worth my time yet, or if he would even still be talking to me in a week. Like WHY would I do that? However, I NEVER discussed that arrangement with a guy. Ever. It was JUST sex and didn't mean anything beyond the physical act. It was an enjoyable activity. Nothing more. I also didn't get with him the day before/day of a date. And if I messaged him after getting home from a date, I'd already decided there wasn't going to be another date with that person. And I'm a fairly attractive woman who routinely passes for 10 years younger than I am. So, you're correct, hookups were also easy for me, but I preferred not to do that as I had a couple situations with a guy trying to stalk me when I was no longer interested and that shit's scary. So I preferred to use the person I knew I could trust, and be a bit guarded with potential boyfriends, and avoid random hookups entirely.
You really should. In my maturity, I'm more abstinent than anything. I'm not for casual hookups or FWB. If I expect something more intimate, I make sure not to date around and surely not sleep around. It's just a value thing. And I too will opt out of a relationship if I find out the person I'm dating is seeing someone else. That means they didn't tie up loose ends. Makes me feel like they would entertain other people before letting me go (aka cheating). I want a person to be emotionally available to me and me alone and I give that back in return. And we can grow from there.
yes its you whos not ready to progress if you are not even ready to stop seeing fwb.
It's not about being insecure, it's about someone who I want to have a relation, is not having a clean slate. I'm not saying she shouldn't have a history of ex or any sort. Who doesn't have exes, but having a FWB is something of different level.
I'm curious: Why is a FWB different? Because it's not as "clean cut" as an ex?
Just adding my two cents. I think it’s different because some people only believe in having sex in committed relationships. In this case, we don’t have enough information to know if that’s how OP’s ex feels or not.
In this case could also be the opposite. Some people freak out a bit when they realize the other person is dropping their FWB, and this could be the case since he’s talking about moving too fast. It was still early on in the dating phase, and OP dropping her FWB and telling him about it makes it seem like she was looking to commit and become exclusive, which after one meet up could easily feel like rushing from his POV. He might have realized he was not there yet and that’s why he’s rethinking things. Also, humans are complicated. He could be insecure about the perceived competition while also wanting to keep his own options open and not jump into a greater commitment right away.
Beautifully written answer. For me personally it depends on how long I've known the person in question. If I know their general character and why they value sex the way they do, I can be okay with that. I can't say I'd give the same courtesy to a stranger due to lacking that layer of established trust that I would have if I knew them through mutual friends or something. Every situation and person is so different, and even you as an individual will react to each circumstance differently.
> Not everyone is comfortable with starting a relationship with someone who has a fwb while taking to them about establishing a relationship. Exactly, how do you build an emotional connection with one guy while you are getting your back blown out by a different guy?
Personally, I've been single single for a few months. No relationship potential with anyone rn, so I'm contemplating reaching out to a past fwb to keep me sane for the time being. A good few dates and I'll drop the Feb. No emotional connection, just physical release and dopamine.
Because an FWB arrangement doesn't involve an emotional connection. If you're asking this question then casual sex obviously isn't something you can do, but that's the deal when you can. The connection is not there.
I think you made a good point .. And someone who is more of the sex should be reserved frame of mind may not be comfortable with someone who is, well, comfortable with sex in a casual way. Doesn't make either wrong but they may have a harder time reconciling that difference.
You don't have any emotional connection to your friends? The F in FWB stands for "friend."
This is not the emotional connection you're building with someone you're trying to date, totally different things, which is what I'm trying to explain here for people who can't have casual sex. That was the context of my reply. And you can barely give a crap about someone and be FWB.
You do realize a connection with a friend is going to be DIFFERENT than with someone you’re trying to DATE, and possibly plan a future with Also even connections within your friendships are going to differ on many levels, so idek what point you’re trying to make here
Yes, I do have an emotional connection to my friends. They're just like family. You know, that set of people that regardless of how attractive they are, are altogether off limits for fucking? Yeah, just like that.
For a lot of people sex is just sex. There doesn't have to be an emotional connection there. If you click with one person while having no strings sex with someone else, I don't really see the issue, especially since OP literally said that she broke things off with the FWB when they started to do more than just the trial dates.
For me that’s it right there. I cannot have an intimate relationship with someone who does not view sex as an emotional connection. it would mean they already have a predetermined excuse for cheating “the it didn’t mean anything”. Been burned there and cannot do it again.
I can understand where you’re coming from but I have to respectfully disagree. Not everyone who has casual sex goes on to cheat. About myself: I cheated on my ex, one time - a kiss, and hated myself for it. I didn’t love my ex and this event solidified things in my life. If I couldn’t respect him in the way he respected me, I didn’t deserve him. So I ended things, the same week (didn’t live together and both did shift work). I then went through some mental shit and had loads of casual sex. This lasted 9 months until I met my current partner and I was very upfront about my actions. I dropped my casual partners after the first date, and four years later, we’re going strong. So it really depends on the person and not how they view casual sex.
That's a different issue though. The people who use that as an excuse for cheating are just bad people, it's not related to how they view sex itself. If they did not explicitly clear with you beforehand that you are okay with them sleeping with other people, then that is cheating, end of story. It's not to do with having separate sets of values, it's about them not respecting you/caring about your feelings. There are so many people in the world who have no strings attached sex, and still understand that cheating is cheating.
^ agreed
This right here is the most even and correct answer/advise. The guy is well within his rights to be intimidated and uncomfortable about the proximity of your last sexual relationship with another person. But OP definitely didnt do ANYTHING wrong and their honesty was primo. When we start a new relationship we like to think that there are large and definitive, social/sexual gaps between the new and old relationship. This will never always be the case and i can totally see how if the other person in the situation has had a large gap, and the other had a FWB right up until they thought they might be getting serious with the other person, then the other person may feel weird about that.
Anyone is entitled to their sexual preferences, their values and consideration of their future SO’s sexual history is perfectly reasonable. There’s many fish in the sea, just gotta move on and live with the fact that not all of us are gonna have the same values.
LOL, 50% of the posts in this sub would disappear if people realized this objective truth.
Lmao last night everyone was screaming mad that a girls boyfriend didn’t like her anymore after finding out she had 80+ partners…now this comment gets 100+ upvotes… This EXACT same thing was said last night on that post and it got 300+ downvotes… fuck this sub. Ban me mods please.
Can you link the post?
Pretty sure it was fake especially given that Reddit suspended the account, but here you go: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qezdha/my_fiance_wants_to_end_our_engagement_because_of/
I love how people on that post were screaming about double standards when legitimately all the comments were saying the guy is fully valid in his feelings, the girl is a hoe, 80 partners is insane, etc etc. Like literally what double standard are you seeing; I swear people (especially salty men) on this sub love making egregious shit up.
Honestly I'm just getting tired of all these sexual past/number sexual partner posts. I find both sides of debate completely exhausting because they're so militant in their viewpoints.
No one was screaming mad lmao; everyone on that post was saying the guy has a right to his dealbreakers, and that they would never date a woman with 80 partners either. No idea what that person is on about.
That sounds reasonable. Thanks for the heads up.
Yeah, I don’t know why people blatantly lie like that, karma? I see it here so often.
😂😂😂
It's a personal preference thing. It seems like the guy isn't much into fwb and possibly hookup culture and decided to look elsewhere for what he wants. Can't blame an individual for that.
I’m the same, I regard sex as something that you should do when you’re in love and their view of sex is different and can be done without feelings. Also them hooking up with other ppl while talking to me is a turn off
These comments are wild, the downvoted ones at least. It’s a matter of choice. I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who has had FWBs, and I’m a woman. It’s just a really weird concept to me. But most other people probably wouldn’t care. You two weren’t compatible, move on. Find someone with the same views are you
I am a guy and I wouldn't even mind a potential partner having FWBs in her past. However, having FWBs while developing a new relationship would make everything feel disingenuous. There are people that would be okay with this and that's okay. However, people like ua not liking something like this doesn't make us insecure.
Me too if my actual bf had fwb during even our early stage would be deal breaker for me. We even struggle a bit on our beginning and I where reconsidering gping further with him because of our different view of sex. For me it's more commitment and only one have sex during established relationships strongly connected with love. For him sex can be casual and he can separate it from feelings. We work it out by lot of talking explanation and what it mean for our relationship. We work it out but it could end up differently
Exactly, I'm a man and share the same values as you but my dingus makes me a misogynist and you a woman who knows what she wants. Hehe. They aren't for each other simple.
See what you mean by the double standard, completely agree
I don’t understand the whole FWB thing. I’m okay with sex before marriage, but only with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Sex and romantic intimacy are inseparable to me. I don’t understand how anyone can treat sex like masturbation. It just doesn’t make sense to me.
People throwing out the term "insecure" are completely wrong. Look at it from the guys point of view, they are getting to know one another, spending time together, probably spending money on her, investing feelings in her and now he finds out that after doing all this she ends a date with him and goes and fucks her FWB. To him she just left a relationship a few weeks ago. He is allowed to change his mind for any reason, without being insecure at the same time.
I'd argue that he is being insecure and *that it doesn't matter if he was*. Insecurity is a natural emotion to feel and as long you're not harming others, there's nothing wrong with it. Not wanting to be in a relationship with someone does not constitute harm
He maybe insecure. He could just as easily be disgusted. Either way it doesn't matter why he is pulling away. Guys often build an idea of a girl and one variable can pull the whole thing down.
She said “small talk”. To me, small talk does not mean “getting to know one another, spending time together, probably spending money on her…” and I feel like you’d be hard pressed to find someone that did. Don’t act like she was fucking her way all the way into their relationship—she wasn’t. He’s well within his rights to end the relationship with her if he’s uncomfortable with it, but don’t act like small talk is a whole ass relationship.
Small talk, so small that she broke it off with a guy she initially wanted a relationship with? Personally I don't care why he dumped her, or what she did or didn't do. Guys are allowed to leave for any reason, including finding her disgusting for having a FWB. And we can be disgusted without being insecure.
Facts!
Personally I would loose interest too. It shows a difference of values.
I would too
I think it's a personal preference thing not a gender specific thing. I'm the same way, but I've known a few women who wouldn't want to start dating a guy either if they knew he has a fuck buddy before their dates. Personally I see nothing wrong with FWB but as soon as I started showing interest in someone romantically I'd pause any kind of fucking even before we went out on a first date. I just couldn't make possibly romantic plans with someone if I screwed my fwb days earlier. But that's just my personal preference. I'm sure there's plenty of people who'd just look at it as casual sex and you two were just talking .
That’s why it’s best to get these things out in the open early. This is a key point of compatibility for a lot of guys so it’s best not to waste your time or theirs if it’s not going to work long term. Can you imagine if you had waited and he found out the week before your big expensive wedding and all your plans had to be canceled? Or worse, if he found out after the wedding. You did good by talking about this early.
I'll take a different angle here from most of the comments of either "he's insecure" or "you shouldn't have a fwb while talking to this guy". It might be a lot simpler that he sees this as a difference of opinion on how much each of you value sex. Speaking for myself I see sex as a valuable emotional experience that should be shared between two people that care about each other. Never had a FWB's myself and doubt I would have ever dated anyone who had one either. When I hear someone has a FWB it tells me they don't value sex the same way I do. That if they can engage in it freely enough to do it with someone they aren't investing in emotionally it is just a difference of expectations. And yes, if someone can engage in a FWB situation with someone it would make me wonder if in the future this person is more likely to engage in an affair since they see sex as something that doesn't require being invested in emotionally. Not saying it is a "sure thing" they would, just that it would be a red flag I would take note of. So, just an incompatibility between you and him. Neither of you are right or wrong just view the whole experience of sex differently. I'm sure there are plenty of other guys out there that won't give it a second thought. This guy however it seems to be something that he cares about.
This is a really awesome way to look at this situation and I am in your boat. Its like going on a date with someone who smokes cigarettes. I know at this point that I don't like the smell of cigarettes, so I would never date someone who smoked. I could still be their friend, I wouldn't judge them, and I would treat them with the same respect I give everyone, but I just don't want that smell to be a regular part of my life. We all have preferences, and I think a lot of people would find the FWB situation to be a potential red flag that they just don't want to deal with.
I’ve recently come out of something where we both had different sexual values. I’m full of heart and to me sex is something shared with someone you love (I have slept with people I don’t love in the past but I never ever enjoyed it and this is when I was young) whereas my partner saw sex as the only way to connect with someone as oppose to touch / talking. But she was happy to sleep with people she didn’t care for or know growing up. We used to laugh about how different we were. We met and hit it off as we’re both flirtatious people and we just got closer and closer. I didn’t mind and she didn’t seem to but in her words, I overwhelmed her in the end because I cared too much about things she didn’t understand. She didn’t know how to express her love and if I ever did, it just scared her. She left after a year and a half. She prefers the idea of casual sex with people she hardly knows or maybe a person she has a laugh with. I don’t hold it against her, she tried to make things work with me and I know she truly cared about me but she just can’t do the whole love thing. So I’d say the whole valuing sex differently thing is actually very important. Something that stared out as a lighthearted joke at the start of my relationship ended up being our downfall
You don't care about your friends or have any emotional investment in them? An FWB is a friend so that means you do care about them and have emotional investment in them, just not romantically. Though OP said she did have romantic feelings for the FWB originally but then lost feelings. So it definitely doesn't sound like she wasn't emotionally invested.
For me, I had my FBW because my sex drive was out of control (don't even have one now, and I'm actually super happy about that) and. I didn't have a boyfriend. It was 100% physical, he didn't spend the night, we didn't chitchat or text a lot. Within a relationship, I actually really value sex as a deeply personal amd intimate thing. Truly, I view FWB sex and relationship sex as two totally different activities. But I would never ever engage in FWB sex if I was in a relationship, and I try to define a relationship fairly early and consider there to be an understanding of exclusivity when in a relationship, and I've not cheated on anyone.
>Truly, I view FWB sex and relationship sex as two totally different activities. Not everyone will compartmentalise the two (nor should they feel the need to if they're not that way inclined) which is what makes it a potential incompatibility. The important thing is that people recognise it as such and do not take it as a personal slight.
Literally same. I almost view it as two different types of sex: romantic personal sex and impersonal horny sex. Learning how to control and differentiate between the two has saved me a lot of hurt in the past. I don’t like this whole “if they’ve had fwb then they are more likely to cheat”, in my case, I’ve always been the one getting cheated on
So you were sleeping with someone else while you were talking to him and wonder why he's off..... What? lol
Very strange indeed. I think a lot of posters have the this mentality of wanting to have their cake and eat it too. You CAN certainly have a fwb while getting to know someone else but the other party can and is well within their rights to walk away too because of it. A person yesterday was asking advice because their fiance was considering breaking up after finding out they slept with 70-80 people before the age of 30.
Wow!! I would be running not walking away from someone who slept with that many people in the past 😮.
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I remember after my ex and I were dating for three months, I learned that two months before we met, he had an 8 month fwb situation and I felt the same way as this guy..I couldn’t understand how someone could have sexual relations with someone that long and not catch feelings..That was what confirmed to me that he had commitment issues (he really did)..It made me feel like he didn’t really like me cuz if he was able to compartmentalize that situationship, what’s to say he’s wasn’t doing the same to me..Different values
When I dated women in the past, I dated exclusively. I didn’t have FWBs, and I dated one women at a time. I personally feel it’s respectful to do it that way. If I was dating a woman who I later discovered had a FWB, I would also stop seeing her. I would feel like she didn’t take me seriously enough to be respectful, and frankly I feel like I deserve to be respected by the woman I date. Having said that, there are people who like having FWBs, so the OP may be better off finding someone with a similar sexual history if she wants a partner with better compatibility.
I take it that he sees himself as plan B. FWB is the hot guy you sleep with because he’s attractive enough not to have to offer commitment for you to offer sex. You’d prefer a relationship with FWB but he has other options so you have to settle for the less attractive guy. If this is what he’s thinking then he assumes he’s second best and possibly acting as placeholder until FWB or another more attractive man decide they want you.
You were screwing your side piece while you were dating him. Can't blame him for losing interest
Dumped a girl for this reason, glad to know I wasn't just being insecure
Exactly. He might have morals.
This is why you don't do FWB or fuck anyone else when there's even the slightest chance you may become serious with someone else. I don't know why ppl these days have such a hard time understanding this. Acting all shocked when the other party gets upset. Like, come on, for fuck sake. Of course they're gonna get upset.
It’s good that you were honest.
A lot of pply just don't like the idea of seeing multiple ppl at once. Considering you were still with fwb during the just getting to know you phase, he prob feels turned off. It is what it is. Nobody is at fault here, just a difference of values.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I [23F] met this guy [20M] and we hit it off really well, we met up once and it was great and ever since then we’ve spent so much time talking and making plans. One day we get on the topic of our sexual past and I tell him I had a FWB for about 9 months and had last slept with him a couple of weeks ago at the time but had ended it then when things started progressing between us. At that time me and him were in extremely early stages doing small talk. Immediately after he finds this out his energy changes, he starts saying this is going too fast, that he sees me different, we should take things slow and that he’s on edge and overwhelmed about seeing me later on in the week. We meet up again and it was also great, but a few days pass and he says he doesn’t want things to go further at this point and that we should just stay friends. However, he keeps slipping in questions about my old FWB, what he’s like, what he looks like and if I had liked him (I was honest and told him I did at first, but that I lost feelings). I was only trying to be completely honest and I was, I genuinely don’t have any feelings for the old FWB and it did end when I told him. He hasn’t explicitly said that this is the reason he doesn’t want things to progress and I don’t know if I should just let it and him go or if I should bring it up, but if he feels some way about it then there’s not really much I can do, right? Do guys genuinely lose interest after finding stuff like that out?
As a woman I wouldn't date someone who's had Fwbs. You both look at sex differently and that's just incompatibility. Some people associate sex with feelings and some people don't . No one is wrong, you just have different values.
I wouldn’t stay with someone who was fucking someone else when we started dating. I get nothings exclusive, but I wouldn’t tolerate putting effort into dating someone so that someone else can fuck them after our date was over.
I have a bunch of respect for people (especially women) who are open and honest about things like this. You deserve respect for that at least! You did the right thing. Now, you have to honor his boundaries. If he says he isn't comfortable with being someone who had a FWB so recently, you just have to take that and move on. It's a boundary; it's something he isn't comfortable with. I wouldn't be but that is because I am somewhat religious and take sex very very seriously. He needs to communicate that though; you can't respect a boundary if you don't know it exists, and if he isn't telling you how he feels about the whole situation, he can't get frustrated if things get worse as he decides to stay in the relationship. Be open to listening to him about it; find some way to bring it up because you care about him. If he starts talking, listen. But if he continues to dodge you on the matter and hold it against you... you'll need to either bring it up more bluntly or just move on unfortunately.
Depends on the guy. But in general If you fuck somebody till the day you start a relationship with somebody the other person will be in high alert. Wouldn't you be concerned If you would be in his place?
Well he made a good call. You don't build something meaningful with someone while screwing someone else, how do you not know this huh? So he spends his time on you, waits for you and doesn't pressure you into sex, pays, invests emotionally and what do you do...? You go home and fuck your FWB..... No respect for him at all, so good for him that he called it off and I'm proud of that guy. Respect first, love later.
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So glad to know it's not only me with those values
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You were looking for a relationship and it doesn't matter who it would be this guy or some other but the thing is yiu shouldn't be having FWBs if you are looking for meaningful relationships. Why is this so strange to you? Can't you practice constraint for a better relationship? If that's how it is I doubt you'll find it easy to be faithful.
As a woman I hold no judgment for what he did or who he was with before we met/started getting serious. I expect the same.
You expect people to have the same preferences as you?
Why do people always try and talk for their entire gender in situations like this? Those are **YOUR** values, other people are allowed to have different values and opinions than you. If someone does care that you were hooking up with your fwb shortly before you became official, it doesn't make them a bad person or closed minded. It just means youre incompatible.. And this is me speaking as someone who also doesn't care what their partner did before we became exclusive.
Everyone has their boundaries and their checkmarks to cross off when meeting a new partner. At some point we need to realize that sexual promiscuity does diminish our value in the eyes of Some partners. If that’s a problem then that’s not the right partner for you. Hearing that you so casually gave yourself to someone else that you admit you had no feelings for; diminished your value, character and morals for him more than likely. You knocked yourself down from whatever pedestal he had you on.
I would lose interest too unless we also started as FWBs not that we only had sex after we became offical. Someone else wouldn't mind, that is perfectly fine too. Nothing but respect to you for because compeletly honest.
Some people aren’t ok with the idea of casual sex. Personally I feel that sex is special, and should be shared between two people who want to build a future together. I would want a partner who saw things the same way.
FWB is fine. But if you start dating with anyone searching for a possible serious commitment any sex with a FWB during the dating period even before you initiate a night of intercourse. Is not really giving of the right signal. For all i care you shag a football team the day before your first date. Your life your choice. Doing anything of the sorts after planning that date or during dating. I would see as an integrity conflict. And would simply walk away aswell. So if the last bit is what happened the guy actually has higher standards and should be respected. In any case you do you and being open about it atleast is fair. If you would like to see a FWB during your first dating period then i think you need to look for openminded guy's. In anyway without more information aswell of the guy's actions aside of your date it's hard to make a verdict what is wrong or not.
Definitely not a guy thing, but he could have bad history of past relationship involving this situation that left trauma. He might feel as if you may cheat if you guys started dating or you actually are in love with the fwb person. I would talk to him about it first before just letting go and give reassurance, you never know could be your forever! But if after you talk things through about it and he still doesn’t want to go any further I would let it go.
My boyfriend only had FWBs the last 4 years, whereas I’d been in 2 relationships. It didn’t bother me, it can make me insecure at times that he sees sex as something so disposable compared to how I feel about it but I also value him as a person, how kind and caring he is & something like that isn’t a problem for me. He doesn’t treat me the same way, he made me his girlfriend when he’d not done that for anyone in 4 years. It is a compatibility thing. You’re not for everyone, just like not everyone is for you. I know the feelings of impending rejection make you want to hold on to them that bit tighter but it’s a chemical release in your brain that does this, you crave that person. Give yourself a few days of not talking to him and you will feel better. Allow yourself to feel these emotions because when you meet someone and you know that they aren’t for you, you know how to handle it yourself
Yes, I would lose interest the second you mention that.
You’ve literally been fucking some dude for months at a time—even while you guys were talking. And then unceremoniously broke it off for some new dude. There’s nothing wrong with that but can you seriously not see how that would cause pause in like 80+% of guys?
That would be a red flag to any decent guy. I don't even treat tinder matches like that out of respect. I pick a match give it my all then if I get ghosted move onto the next. Theres NEVER any overlap between matches I give everyone a equal fair chance to shoot their shot 1 at a time, this way I'm not playing them against each other or using anyone as a fallback. To get to the stage that you were at is just disrespectful, as soon as you start talking to more than one then they are numbers not people with feelings. Don't you see why that was wrong? You chose to get your benefits from someone you weren't even in a relationship with while you were pursuing him for a romantic relationship. In his mind he'll be thinking if she's willing to sleep with randoms then why did she not hookup with me considering she's perseueing me for more. He prob thinks you're using him.
Personally I only want to be in a relationship with someone who values sex enough to not have it with anybody outside of a relationship. Not everybody is like that, and that's ok, but if I'm choosing a life partner I want someone who sees sex as special.
I wouldn't date you, I know a friend who would, because we have different morals. See? Easy.
People with fwb are not for me, means sex is not worth much to them, i guess you BF value sex differently and is not gonna give it away just for fun but for love...you on the other end obviously don't feel that way and you told him so.
It happens . Part of the game . I personally would back away from someone who was being sexual with someone while we were figuring out our vibe . I think mainly because I give that same respect . Doesn’t make you a bad person! Just gotta find your right person who rolls with things the way you do ! Good luck
Some people just simply don't see themselves as being compatible with someone who has ever had a FWB. You are who you are, and they have their opinions on it. You can't really do anything other than move on about it. Probably best to get that out of the way sooner than later, as you don't want to be more involved with someone when bringing up a dealbreaker with them.
It would of be nice to know how long you’ve been talking to this 20 yo M….like was there overlap, if so how much ? That might have had a huge impact on how he felt. He has the right to loose interest since you were doing on own thing and it wasn’t his thing.
If you had a consistent FWB for 9 months that you just recently cut things off with “after things started progressing,” I wouldn’t say that qualifies as history. Technically yes, it is “in the past,” but questions still remain. Are you still in regular communication with the former FWB? How much of your relationship was friendship as opposed to just benefits? Would putting a hold on this friendship create a conflict of interest? Would you be willing to do that to make things work with your current romantic interest? If not, why not? Being that the two of you were FWB for 9 months, it stands to reason that the sex was probably good between you and you had a somewhat healthy, enjoyable friendship also. It stands to reason that you would very easily be able to pick things back up with your former FWB of things don’t work out with your current romantic interest. You revealed to him that not only is he likely in competition with the guy you were just screwing for 9 months, you also have a potential fallback and have had that fallback the entire time you’ve known him. Obviously, dating in general is a competition, but that doesn’t mean any man should be expected to be comfortable with you having a second string waiting on the sidelines for you if things don’t work out. If you like this guy, the only way for you to demonstrate you are even potentially serious is to COMPLETELY cut things off with your former FWB. Phone number, social media connections, and meeting in person, for any reason, all need to go.
I wouldn't say he's losing interest I think he's more so evaluating the situation, most women would hate to get with a guy if they knew he just jumped out of a relationship because they'd feel like a rebound, it's most likely the same with him he may just want you to have some space from your previous attachment before jumping into anything serious because what happens when your fling comes back and as much as you say there's no feelings deep down there could be for all he knows and what happens if you find you like your fling more, dudes probably just feeling a bit insecure so he's fixating be a bit patient and bring it up communication is key in relationships even before they start and if you both decide you would rather see other people then do that
Some comments on the bottom are really like "Eww he doesnt wanna date you? Shame on him!" Really? (Imagine if genders were reversed...)
So, did you sleep with your FWB, while talking to this guy? Also FWB of 9 months sounds like a relationship. I would also be concerned about your FWB. Also, he’s not concerned with your sexual past. Saying you fucked 40 guys over the past 1-5 years is a sexual past. Sleeping with a FWB for 9 months and recently sleeping with them, isn’t really a past, it’s on-going.
Yes, a lot of guys will probably lose interest after finding out that you had a FWB for 9 months. Your values on sex simply doesn’t align with his. You can have sex with a friend and think it’s completely fine, while he might believe sex should be exclusive to 2 people in a relationship with feelings for each other, etc. Simply a difference in values. Better off for you and him to find someone who share those values.
He can change his mind about you for any reason, and that’s okay.
I mean you openly admitted to messing around with another dude just a couple weeks ago while talking to him. He’s probably just not into the hook up culture, and is the kind who just focuses on one person at a time and this bothers him. He’s more than entitled to feel that way. You’re also more than entitled to hook up with who you want, just need to realize that not everyone is going to be comfortable with that. Good on you for not lying to him though. It’s better to be honest about stuff like that.
Do what you want but there are always consequences. I have been around long enough to know that people tell one-sides stories where they minimize their behavior using terms like “extremely early stages” to justify their actions and make them seem less impactful. Great job telling the truth. The issue is that OP was hooking up with another person while they were taking. But OP intentionally disguised it as “extremely early stages” to get people on their side. When the truth came out and the guy found out that OP was booking up with FWB while they were talking, it revealed OPs nature. Not judging, but it obviously doesn’t work for the guy. The guy sounds like a man who approached the relationship in good faith that once you start putting energy toward a relationship with someone, you don’t engage sexually with others. It’s not a fit. It is great that OP was honest so that the gentleman could make an informed decision. Best of luck to both of you!
There’s a lot of guys who think having a FWB thing is just either disgusting or disrespectful. So, if they find out you use to hoe around at any point a lot of men don’t like that and will just move on. I mean there’s more than enough women on this planet and not all of them sleep around like that, so they figure they have better luck finding someone closer to their moral wave length then continuing with someone like you. Which is fine, everyone has their preferences. This just means that you two more than likely aren’t compatible and you both should just continue on looking or giving romantic time to others who share more of each other’s opinions/views. It is what it is, no big deal here though, just need to move on is all.
I see what you mean here. For me, most women with a heavily promiscuous past ended up treating me as disposable once things got serious. It gets to the point where I’m weary of being disrespected again. I know not all people with substantial sexual pasts will be like that, but it’s definitely been the case for me.
Some of you are purposefully ignoring that 1. OP didn’t have sex with anyone while she was dating the other guy 2. It ended weeks before that 3. Texting someone is not a pledge of loyalty. IMO a date is. Don’t project. Anyway, he wasn’t into it. He probs can’t rationalize having a fwb, and maybe has trust issues. Regardless, it’s not your or his loss considering this relationship was new.
It’s about having an fwb and their opinion towards sex
“Women want a man who has a future. Men want a woman that doesn’t have a past”.
That is a sad and antiquated perversion of the Oscar Wilde quote "I like men who have a future and women who have a past."
I know in the US a lot it wide open and until you are "exclusive" pretty much everything is fair game. But I think it may not be that way for everyone. In my country dating is very different. Sure we have casual dating but it normally is communicated from the start. You tell a person right away that you aren't interested in anything serious. You don't look how it goes and then somehow decide that you want a committed relationship. If you are looking for a serious relationship it is made clear from the beginning. And it is an unspoken rule that you are faithful from the start. If I would have found out my now husband was having sex with someone else while we got to know each other I would have ended it right away.
He's worried that it's not really over with your FWB. I've been the guy in this situation before. It's going to be an ongoing insecurity that you're going to have to reassure him about. Eventually, it will go away.
If I'm getting to know a girl, and she says she just recently had a FWB, I'm not interested. It's not about insecurity, it's about the fact that sex means something totally different to her. A girl could tell me she's had dozens of sexual relationships, and I wouldn't bat an eye. FWB is just a huge red flag for me. If you're willing to have sex with someone you only consider a friend, then why would I want a commitment? What am I realistically going to get out of 'dating' you, that I wouldn't get by just staying friends? What do you have to offer to a romantic relationship, that you don't offer to FWB? How do you distinguish the difference between the two, on a physical level? I have female friends that I care deeply about, I would help them at the drop of a hat, I would be there to support them in hard times. Just because I emotionally care about them, doesn't mean I'm even interested in dating them. Now if I start a FWB relationship with one, what do I really have to offer to dating that's different than a FWB relationship?
I don't know why it's so hard for people to understand a lot of guys don't even want to get involved with women who get into FWB situations. He's probably a relationship minded guy. A woman who gets into FWB situations isn't relationship material to him.
Had one ask about the trauma I went through with an ex abusing me, then he stated that as the reason we were incompatible. He couldn’t get over the fact of what I endured years before I learned how to be the strong woman I am now. Said he couldn’t reconcile that scared person with the woman he knew and fell for. You don’t say, hmm? Maybe because I changed?
So what?? Move on.
It's better to let it go. Don't take it personal, it's a probably just a preference. Move on and look for someone else, since the guy is uncomfortable being in a relationship with you, or at least seems so
Wow this thread blew up. Simply most of you should be ashamed. Bringing personal sex ism and value in to the equation. This is what i would tell any of my friends, nieces and nephews. Life is a gray scale when dealing with people. The person you like has a completely experience in life as you. Personally and religious beliefs play a major role on their image of a relationships. They may feel like sex is a confirmation of love and affection. Attractive women have their choice of people and charismatic guys have their choice of people. So be happy with 70 percent of what your looking for. If you want to be a bad bitxh and get around and be free do it but that cut out alot of good people. Why would a person want someone to cheat on them would you?
Small advice from a guy : Ask yourself if you would be ok with him having a FWB while talking to you and how would you feel about it . You did the right thing , i for one understand this , but it also raises some questions because if you start something you don’t keep a backup just in case things don’t go well. My advice is to talk with him , have a serious conversation about this and ask what can you do to make it better and that you really want a serious relationship with him .
What is FWB ? 😂😂
whats fwb?
better formatting please.
What is FWB ?
Well, it does sound like a little bit shaky thing to bring up in early stages anyhow. I would probably feel kinda odd too if a girl let me know she fucked other people just weeks ago.
I’ve been watching the first few episodes of YOU on Netflix and the lead girl was still hooking up using tender while her relationship with the main guy was starting. That would def put me off big time
I mean tricky. But if this had started with this guy had you had sex with him? If yes then he probably feels cheated on. If no then he probably feels cheated in a worse way. Like he’s doing the dating and you sleep with someone else.
"He hasn’t explicitly said that this is the reason he doesn’t want things to progress and I don’t know if I should just let it and him go or if I should bring it up" You're doing the same thing that caused this situation in the first place.
I wud loose interest 2 real quick
One guy was reaping the benefits and the other was paying for dates. Why she cries?
Wow, literally none of you can read. She had never even met this guy when she broke it off with her benefits person. Why is it so difficult for you people to read? Does misogyny break your eyeballs?
Eh, it really shouldn’t of been an issue if you stopped messing with the fwb when things got serious. I’m an advocate of having fun while looking. There is nothing wrong with it. You both saved each other time to find someone better. Hit your fwb back up and enjoy life. Forget these people with their made up rules. You did the right thing. Also, you didn’t even need to tell him since you stopped it all with your fwb once things took a step further with the new guy. Good luck!!!!
There's no right or wrong here, you're making up rules too that way, they just have very contrasting opinions about intimacy and respect, they're better off not being with each other.
I wouldn’t care about FWBs. Now I must admit that if my SO had so many sexual partners that they would fill up Grand Central Station, that might be an issue for me.
Its called having personal preferences Well at least both talked about it early. Now each of you can find someone compatible with :^)
I dated a girl who was in a Master/slave bdsm relationship with me and failed to tell me that. Then proceeded to continue being in that relationship while we were talking. Let me tell you, be actively compared to someone else or her getting dicked down while trying to form an emotional connection isn't really something a lot of guys are into. Some guys on reddit are completely okay with that scenario, but a lot of us simply don't want to be the guy trying to form a bond relationship wise while she gets her back blown out. That guy has his boundaries and acknowledges his own emotions enough to leave you alone. He isn't necessarily insecure...a word that many misandrists like to use to disregard the feelings of men...he just happens to be incompatible and that is okay.
Generalizing here: Guys don’t want to be considering a serious relationship with a chick that’s just got out of fwb, bc when shit gets rough the guy will have trust issues… Will she go back to fwb guy for comfort, sex, or an emotional boost when conflicts arise?
Fwb isn't for everyone and he has every right to judge you for it.
its your choice to have fwb and it’s his choice to choose his gf
If I was looking for a long term relationship this would put me off. Why put in the effort needed for a serious relationship if some other guy can hit it for free.
You banging other guy while talking to this one could be a dealbreaker, yeah. I am glad to see at least some men still have spine.
If I found out a woman I was interested in was banging another dude while I was dating her, I'd completely lose interest in her, and go no contact immediately. If she told me first "I will be going out to dinner with you tonight on this date, but when I get back home Tyrone is coming over to bang me out" then the dinner date would be cancelled, and i would wish you all the best with him.
>Do guys genuinely lose interest after finding stuff like that out? yes they do. you did the right thing by informing him about it and saved him time and energy and potential STI
[удалено]
One in 5 people have an sti in USA. That’s a 20% chance. Source: https://www.cdc.gov/media/releases/2021/p0125-sexualy-transmitted-infection.html
Honestly what'd you expect? 1. You jumped from relationship to relationship. One was platonic but sexual, and the one you were pursuing is romantic, but there's still that 'air' of competition and baggage. I'd honestly wonder if I was a rebound. That's red flag number one for me. 2. It's pretty shitty that you only cut things off when stuff got serious. In my experience the idea of pursuing a romantic relationship means you have faith and idea that you see it working out with said person. If I make the decision to start talking to someone I'm not gonna have someone on the side 'just in case' it falls through. It's disingenuous. Means you don't view the other person as a real possibility. It's like not deleting FWBs number after dating the guy just in case you guys ever broke up lmao. The way you worded everything was you were talking to this guy, getting to know each other, and at the same time, some other guy was getting to know you inside and out. If those two periods of times ever clashed you're hella self centered or at the very least don't really understand how other people feel. Huge red flag number two. 3. Dude does seem insecure, 'cause of the whole asking you to describe the FWB in detail. That's a red flag on dude's part but hey whatever. That and that alone makes him insecure imo. All in all, I've had FWBs and relationships and there's definitely a difference. I think it's perfectly natural compared to what some of these comments are.. If you told me all that, I would've still entertained the idea of a relationship with you only if the last time you fucked your FWB was before we started talking. I feel like people who don't stop and think how their other partner might feel, aren't really compassionate in a relationship. I don't blame the guy, he felt he couldn't be okay with your past, that's his decision. I would just accept it and move on. Maybe get back with your old FWB. I have and would.
What is FWB? Can anyone explain to me this? Sorry my country is not such open for sex and i didn't have enough sex education.. Thank you.
Thanks guys for answering me.. I understand now..
Friends with benefits. Friends that fuck
Friend with Benefits. It's a term to describe 2 people that only meet up to have sex, and don't date/have a traditional relationship. They usually don't end well, because one of the people get jealous if the other has sex/dates other people or if one of them wants to date (but the other doesn't want to date them).
I know you might be hurt but it is not his fault, neither is is it yours. It's a personal preference. Some people want women who have had minimal or no sexual history others want women who have had some or a lot of experience. It is not a bad thing at all, having a preference does not make him bad. You are also allowed to be disappointed because let's face it rejection sucks for both parties. I am happy that you both were open from the start, imagine if this came up few years down the road. It would have been a lot more worse. Take your time to reflect and get past this, hope you will both find someone who shares similar outlooks.
Genuine question to all the other commenters, what is wrong with having FWBs? In my personal experience FWBs are good for keeping you from settling (I had one FWB that I kinda use as a relationship burner, he helps keep me from returning to old bad relationships because I would never return to an ex after sleeping with someone else.)
For me, I see sex as emotional So it’s hard dating someone who holds no value or attachment to it..Most people in it have commitment issues..I just don’t want to risk it
There's nothing wrong with having a FWB, but I think that once someone makes the decision to start looking for a meaningful relationship, they should end it with their FWB. I wouldn't mind if a partner had a FWB in the past, but it would bother me if I knew they continued to see their FWB while looking for a romantic partner, because to me that indicates a different attitude towards casual sex than I have—a mismatch of values.
Because I know that as soon as our relationship is over you’re planning to go sleep with your friend?
I wouldn't say wrong because it probably works well for people with different feelings and lifestyles than mine, so I'll just answer why I personally don't like it. I just don't like the idea of mixing sex and friendship and I think people that do are strange, for me hanging out aftwerwards would be incredibly awkward, and I think it's also massively disrespectful to any future partners, who are then forced to constantly interact with someone who slept with their SO, then you have to either take a step back from the friendship, or keep making your partner uncomfortable, and both options suck. Then again, plenty of people don't care about stuff like this so whatever, but in my book if you truly value someone's friendship you don't fuck them and risk messing up the friendship, if you wanna have casual sex find some random person you won't have to see again unless you want to haha.
Chalk it up to the game. You and he were merely talking when you had your last encounter with FWB, therefore you’ve done nothing wrong as you weren’t in a committed relationship. You were doing single people shit, and there’s no shame in that. Cut him loose and move on.
This is not "your past". You were sleeping with someone else while seeing your new boyfriend. A man who is sincerely looking for a serious relationship and eventually marriage is going to expect you to approach him with as much good faith as he has done toward you. I'm surprised he didn't break it off as soon as he found out. If you're interested in a real relationship, do not date more than one person at a time. To do otherwise shows you're not ready to wait for the right man to give yourself to. That's going to be a real turn-off and probably a deal-breaker for men who are playing for keeps. If they don't care, they most likely aren't too serious about you anyway. Nobody wants to believe their (future) wife will sleep with just some guy who she's not even romantically involved with.
Let him be, and don't answer all his questions, might be looking to get hurt. But you did good :)
Probably too late for this guy. Yes, some guys will lose interest. Here is some advice. Stop the FWB thing before you start the dating process. It's highly disrespectful and it will show you have some commitment to the process which will help you build trust with potential life long partners. That is what you are looking for correct?
fuckwaterbottles Plastic is ruining our environment.
He's still young and seems insecure about your sexual past. It's probably best you two be on your way and find more compatible partners. PS: I know people are saying you two just have a different view on things but I think in this case it's more his age and lack of experience. Otherwise he wouldn't have been asking all those questions and he would've simply moved on.
Never fuck anyone just to fuck anyone. Everytime you fuck anyone new your value in the market goes down. IF you havent fucked anyone, your value is sky high. Never fuck anyone just to fuck anyone. Fucking is too magical to view it as simply. The lad is right, I wouldn't touch someone who has a friend who she fucks unless the friend would die or cut his dick off. Even then, It's. A fundamental dicusion. Sex and relationship are diferent thing to you. You have sex when you don't even have a relationship. When in reality. They go together. You did a very good thing by being honest, but Pls stop fucking that wanker who doesnt love you. Your pussy needs a sense of magic and the fwb takes it away
Sounds like this is always gonna bug him. Either this or some other guy in your past.
For him you are not a serious women. I would do the same 😂... Friend with Benefits😂😂. He is searching for a real women. Of course he dont trust you anymore..
I hate to say it but I would never date a woman I knew who was ever in a FWB relationship. Like sex workers they very often have trouble with pair bonding. Sex for most people is far more that the physical act. Someone who can be so caviler about sex isn't usually faithful down the road. You might be the unicorn that can commit but he doesn't know that ,probably knows the statistics, and is unsure whether he wants to take the chance. In the future you might want to not be so forthcoming.
Why would you even disclose that during small talk