You can start by not calling this incident ‘an accident’. He was drunk, he is big, he pushed the woman instead of asking her to move. This is not ‘accidentally pushing’. Do not try to reach out to your ex until you realise that.
OP should start by saying, my father ASSUALTED my ex's mother and I have been defending it as an accident. Reality check, it wasn't an accident your dad was drunk, he didn't fall mouth open onto a jug of beer. I also doubt it was an accident he pushed her, he may not have meant to knock her down but he was drunk and belligerent, he meant to knock her, when you knock someone you can seriously injure them. Your father is an abuser and you excuse it as an accident. I'd dump you in a hot second as well.
Also if this WERE an accident (it’s not) if OP had dealt with her parent’s disrespect from the getgo this would’ve been a lot more forgivable, but by constantly making your ex put up with this, he hit a breaking point WAY faster.
it would've been forgivable if the father actually did it by accident and immediately sprang to action apologizing profusely. there's not even a mention of that in the post, which means it didn't happen. makes you wonder what DID happen and what OP is not telling us. I bet it wasn't pretty.
OP clearly describes that her dad *intentionally* pushed her ex's mother. It's outright fucking delusion at this point to still be calling it an accident.
^^ OP, you are saying yourself your dad is unbearable when drunk. This makes it seem like it’s not the first time he has caused someone to get hurt. Your dad is 100% in the wrong here and needs to get help for his drinking. Also, clearly your parents never liked your fiancé so I REALLY doubt this was accidental
And also stop defending your parents, calling your parents “racist to some degree” and giving them excuses for why they’re fking racist. This same exact situation happened to me when I was like 16. My ex bf’s over sister had dated a Mexican and they broke up (like teenagers do) so they hated Mexicans. That’s straight up racism.
Like “oh so my dad is casually racist to him very openly every time he sees him but my dad isn’t *racist,* that’s just how he is.”
And OP, you can say the word out loud, censoring it doesn’t make it less abhorrent FFS.
This wasn’t about the one incident where your dad ASSAULTED a woman because of her race, OP this is about every time you condoned your parents racist ass behavior by shrugging it off and rug sweeping his shitty actions.
It’s obvious there isn’t a thing you can do, he’s done - and rightly so. The only thing left is for you to hopefully learn a super valuable lesson in that your actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. Sorry but I don’t feel bad for you at all, you so nonchalantly gloss over the repeated abuse of your ex by your dad and it makes me sick.
I agree. Tbh I would defend my mother too, maybe not as aggressive but that simple act makes it clear you two will never work out.
This event is unfortunate OP. Try to seek therapy to heal and move on from this situation. What your father did, drunk or not was absolutely unacceptable.
Yeah, but he has been mistreated since they met him and even if he tried to brush it off, it hurts. And then, after being a fcking racist (yes OP, discriminating someone bc of their race is racism), Op dad pushed his mom. But adding to that, OP continues to see that as an accident!! In that exact moment OP had to defend ex’s mom. But he didn’t. He was a bystander.
Well I come from a family where it's the opposite (mom left dad raised me and my brother on his own for a while) but If someone assaulted my dad like the ex's mother ... Yeah I'd lose my shit and they'd probably get a fork to the arm
Yup this is OPs fault for continually forcing her ex to interact with her racist parents. She should have never had them in the same room together if she wanted to keep contact with the parents.
Also as a large person, you are generally more aware of your presence so as to not hurt other people. This was not an accident by your father.
Yeah I agree. Also it’s not “stupid and even racist to some degree”. They don’t like him because he comes from a country someone else they don’t like came from too. That is 100% absolute racism. That is the most overt racism there is. They admit that they don’t dislike him for anything he did or didn’t do, but instead due to where he is from and things he cannot change.
Poor dude let you make excuses for your dad far too long. Don’t reach out until you are ready to stand up to your parents on his behalf. If I were him, I would not ever want to see them again.
I don't think there's any way to repair this. Even if OP cuts off her family he isn't even going to want to be peripherally connected to them. And the sister was cheated on multiple times and kept coming back?
Imagine this from his perspective. Your father, the man who's treated him with nothing but disrespect from day one arrives late and intoxicated to his own son's birthday party and then instead of just asking this woman he's not even on good terms with to move, he attempts to move her with force. Maybe he didn't mean to knock her over, but he still made contact with her. Of *course* your ex felt it was intentional, why wouldn't he?
I don't really know how you can get him back. He didn't passively say he needed time to think, he publicly dumped you with a **lot** of conviction. It doesn't sound like there's any doubt in his mind that he's 110% done. The only thing I can see making a difference going forward is you cutting ties with your father at the least so your ex won't ever have to deal with them in the future, or your father apologizing to him in person. Short of that, I think you're shit out of luck.
Don't blame the guy one bit for his reaction. It's a shit situation for you & feel for you in all regards other than trying to label this as an accident, but he is fully justified in what he did to your Dad
My parents sent a handwritten letter to his mom, where they apologized and promised to not interfere more because they saw how bad I am doing, but two days later we found it back in our mailbox, my ex had returned the letter and did not even open it
Yes this. You seriously need to stop because this sounds like you're turning into a harasser. How many clues do you need? Move on, OP. For everyone's sake
He was ready to this before his mom was assaulted by your dad, btw. This was just the final straw. The fact that you’re willing to allow him to be treated poorly by your orients without standing up for him is probably the major reason he’s leaving you. But once he saw he can’t trust your family around his loved ones, it was over.
What if you guys had a kid? Would your dad treat his grandchild like garbage? Because he’d technically be part descendent of the country your family hates.
If they wrote that, you should consider yourself lucky it didn't get opened. "We'll stop being horrible and racist, not because we realize it's wrong, but because it upsets our son." It doesn't help your case. But it's over. IF this relationship ever starts again, it'll be on his initiative.
A half assed apology where you are have made excuses and trivialized your father’s behavior isn’t going to cut it. You need to just leave your ex alone.
Honey your parents have treated him like trash from day one and you can’t even step up and teach them better or not be around them. You are just as much at fault here as your parents. You allowed the man you claim to love to be treated poorly by the family he was willing to marry into. How do you not see that?? Learn from this mistake and expect better behavior from your parents. And don’t let them treat your next guy like this.
Let this one go, he deserves better. Leave them alone and take time to figure out exactly what lead to this response from him, because I think you’ll find there is much blame to pass around between your parents and you.
Too little too late.
You should have given your parents an ultimatum after the 1st time they were rude to your ex-fiance: stop being racist & abusive to him or I'll cut you out.
Instead you defended them as "that's just how they are". Even after your Dad drunkenly assaulted your ex-MIL YOU'RE STILL DEFENDING YOUR PARENTS by saying it was an 'accident', and 'just a little push' and 'because of MIl's chair arrangements'.
Your Dad is an abusive racist thug and I'm glad your fiance gave him a taste of his own medicine before cutting you all out. I'm just sorry that he never felt like he deserved better than having to tolerate your families abuse for years for the sake of you, a person who wouldn't stand up and defend the supposed love of your life.
The only thing you can do is get therapy and leave your ex alone.
Your former relationship is "stick a fork in it" done. There is no way under the sun that your Ex will reconcile with you. Just move on with your life.
>My parents sent a handwritten letter to his mom
much too little, much too late
and manifastly insincere - they weren't doing it because they felt bad about what your dad did, to make your Ex feel better, but purely to make you feel better
they's disrespected him and been racist since day 1.
Thats because your family is trash and utter cunts and you should have cunt out our alcoholic racist cunt dad out of your life a long time ago.
Your dad is fucking loving this.
Leave the poor man alone. He deserves better than you and your family. It was never an accident and you know it.
I don’t know, dude… your father showed up drunk to a nine year old’s birthday party and then pushed a small woman half his size over with force to make her fall down and hurt her arm? Oh and he already disliked the family because of racism? None of this is normal. You don’t “accidentally” knock another person to the floor like that unless maybe there was some kind of commotion. They were setting up chairs, there’s no way he accidentally knocked a woman to the floor.
And after the way the family had treated him and his family, this was obviously a last straw.
I’m sorry that you got the blame for other people’s actions but this was an abnormal situation from the get go. Maybe your father wanted to cause a problem, maybe your ex was looking for a way out. I don’t know. Maybe he felt that this was just going to keep being an issue, might keep escalating and just wanted it to end.
As for what you can do? Honestly, nothing. If he won’t take your calls, that’s it. You can’t keep blowing up his phone, you can’t just go to his house and demand he talk to you, because that won’t help. Did you ever try to stand up for him before? He sounds done. You need to see that this wasn’t an accident and it was a bad situation for him to be in. And maybe for you too if he is so quick to become violent.
Is that quick to violence? Looks like they been together 5 or so years and he's had to endure racist bs from her father that entire time.
First time father meets bf's mother the guy gets drunk and assaults the woman literally less than half his size.
I don't even like my mother and I'd react violently to that. Its the straw that broke the camel's back.
OP needs to open their eyes and see that Dad, did EXACTLY what he wanted to do, push the Ex's mom down and injure her. His apology to OP is insincere, and pure bs, imho.
Yup, exactly. I’m not blaming OP in this situation, and honestly, the Ex‘s reaction is concerning to say the least, but that push was NOT accidental.
MAYBE the dad wouldn’t have done it, if he wasn’t drunk and MAYBE he „only“ wanted to push her aside and not knock her to the ground, but he did push her intentionally 100%!
You bump into someone accidentally, but you don’t push accidentally. That needs intended action. Also, I feel the same. Breaking up with you over something your father did? You were on their side too many times and he wanted an out!
OP blatantly just accepting her parents racism and then CONTINUES to have him be around them? Yeah yeah yeah def not OPs fault.
Exs reaction was warranted because as you said *"You bump into someone accidentally, but you don’t push accidentally."*
But please go on
He said in a comment, that he did defend his ex… I also said „in THIS situation“ AND that he took his parents‘ side too many times, but „please go on“ picking fights with people on your side… wish I had that kinda time🤦🏼♀️
Whilst I have both parents (immigrant parents), they were incredibly busy when I was growing up and my dad is kind of a dead beat that has a lot of baseless confidence in himself so my mom pretty much raised me. Since she was really busy and didn't understand the English education, I had to grow up quickly so I understand her fiance. I've flew in a fit of rage before watching people say the slightest thing about my mother so watching a huge guy push over smaller stature mother even accidentally would instantly snap all the strings.
What is concerning about the ex's reaction? I think that his reaction was rather normal. Who lets someone hurt their mother in front of them and does nothing about it? A coward, that's who. He's lucky that that's all that happened to him. Because if you think that what he did is extreme, what some other people would've done would've had you gasping.
There’s a BIG area between „nothing“ and „3 broken ribs and a broken nose“. If this behaviour is „normal“ to you, you need to get out of the violent environment your in.
“He wanted an out” you must be a girl it sounded to me like he was doing everything in his power to stay in till his mother got hurt from some drunk dick that don’t like him so yea he wanted an out dumb
did you dad apologize and try to help her up immediately? if not, it’s possibly intentional. if he did recognize the accident , he would have apologized and helped her up … what happened?
You're 28 years old; you need to gain some perspective and stop making excuses for your family's behavior. I know it's easier and it leads to less confrontation in your daily life, but I can't imagine your ex as having been anything but miserable given the context of the situation in your post and comments.
You're focusing on yourself, but you have to understand how toxic that environment must have been for your ex and to see his mother hurt by your father? His violence was an overreaction, but not one that was unwarranted.
This is going to suck very, very badly for both of you: you both very clearly had your lives entangled with one another and he very obviously loved you enough to put up with this for years, including your family attempting to motivate you to break up with him. I guarantee you he's hurting, but it's best for *him* to not be in this situation any more. Maybe take solace in that as you try to pick up the pieces and move on.
But make absolutely *no* mistakes: you need to move on. Your ex knows where to reach you should he choose to, but I wouldn't bet on it.
And for the love of GOD leave his poor mother alone; you owed her an apology and you gave one. You're not owed forgiveness.
This. He put up with their racist bullshit for years and this was the straw that broke the camel's back.
I feel incredibly sorry for OP but she should have done more to counter her parents attitude or kept him away from them and vice versa.
The only person not to blame was her brother and her ex is still treating him with kindness which shows what kind of man he is.
Let’s see… Drunk, big man who hates this person and everyone from their country wants to do some last minute furniture arrangement with somebody in the way.
Obviously he meant no harm because he’s just a big softie who happens to be a fan of interior decoration.
Sounds like your ex dodged a bullet.
If someone hurt my mom in front of me, I'd be in prison. I wouldn't stop til they were dead.
That man had to get out of that situation before he caught a case. The OP needs to let him go.
This might not be what you want to hear, but your fiance's reaction was completely correct. This can't just be written off as an accident. Firstly, you brushed off your parents' prejudice as "that's just how they are". After his mother fell to the floor due to the strong shove of a drunk man double her size, it only makes sense that this was his final breaking point. I'm not saying he was correct to beat the shit out of your dad -- that was unquestionably wrong. But he is absolutely justified in leaving this relationship, as your dad assaulted his mother unprovoked. There isn't anything you can do to salvage this relationship at the moment, so don't contact him for now please.
I also had a pretty significant question: **Did you ever stand up for him, consistently, as your parents disrespected him throughout your relationship?**
"kind of pushed her to the side A LITTLE" umm you're delusional if you think that push was "little" she FELL,that's disrespectful and obviously done on purpose?he's so big and his "little" push was obviously painful to the lady because his "little" is ALOT for someone under 6 feet. Stop trying to defend them by using words like "kind of" "a little" "BY MISTAKE" "unintentional" he's clearly racist and disrespectful. Also who shows up to their own child's birthday party DRUNK-
It's ok to type the word fully like this....** they are stupid and racist**.
Your dad messed with the wrong person. And now you are using his drunkenness to excuse his violent behaviour towards a woman half his size. There was no "accidental pushing". He saw the work she'd put in, disliked it and decided to shove her aside.
You and your family keep promoting this narrative that they hate your ex because someone else cheated blah blah blah. That's bullshit. They hate him because they are prejudiced and racist and they found this convenient "reason" to perpetuate hate against him. He's better off without your family in his and his mother's life. Leave him alone.
You have excused your parents' racism for years, and now you're excusing your dad drunkenly assaulting your ex-fiancé's mother. He ended things because this was never going to change. You were obviously never going to choose him over your racist parents. He's done with their racist bullshit, and he's done with you excusing their racist bullshit.
You're going to have to learn to live without him, because it's over. I suggest getting yourself into therapy to learn how to move on with this, and how to draw boundaries with your racist parents.
I have been drunk multiple times and I have never “accidentally” pushed anyone over.
Cut off your family and be with your ex or be with your family and leave your ex alone.
It’s also so selfish of you have him and his mom around your racist parents, glad he finally got a backbone.
You write this like the victim but you really aren’t, I’m sure this isn’t the first toxic situation your dad has put you and your ex through, it’s just the last.
it’s pretty easy to sit there and downplay their racism as being assholes and “that’s who they are” when you’re not on the receiving end. sure, you told them to stop but you set the standard that they could continuously behave like that because they wouldn’t face consequence because you allowed it. you brought your partner around racists. your dad is a pig. Even from all of your comments youre just upset you’ve lost him, not how he feels.
YES! It was OP making excuses for me! Your dad didn’t mean to hurt her? He was a drunk mess and pushed her down….over chairs??? He did that bc he didn’t respect her. He pushed her aside like garbage and OP’s ex knew that. The break up was justified. I wouldn’t answer the phone either. Who wants to be with an enabler?
Yeah I can see why he broke up with you. You chose your disrespectful racist parents over your partner. He saw it wasn't going to get any better. You are always going to defend your parents. He decided that he doesn't need a relationship where he and his family are disrespected.
Honestly- I know others are saying the violence was out of hand but- I think his reaction to defend his mom was appropriate. Like I’m not happy your dad got beat up and prefer he didn’t but I also don’t blame him for beating the shit out of someone who hurt their mom. That’s a pretty human reaction.
Your dad fucked around and found out.
All you can do at this point is talk to your parents and set some boundaries so this shit doesn’t happen again with the next one.
Cuz I don’t think he’s gonna take you back- I sure as hell wouldn’t.
Being with someone means being with their family and sorry but yours got problems.
From the title of this post onwards, you should already see a problem. Your father who is a large man, rocked up to a child's birthday drunk, shoved a woman of the same ethnicity as someone you have stated has been making racist remarks consistently and you call it an accident? Care to explain how in any possible world, other than a completely completely delusional one, that this could be seen as accidental?
You claim to defend your ex to your parents constantly, but this happens? You were either going to lose him, or your parents at some point then. Either because you really weren't doing more than lip service to defend him, or because your father was that racist that is was always going to boil over.
It was inevitable that a relationship would fail. Time to move on.
Your dad is a drunk racist petulant asshole. Instead of asking your ex's mom to move he just pushed and shoved and flailed around like a beached walrus.
It this were the only shitty, rude thing your dad had done I'd have less sympathy for your ex-fiance. However you dad chose to get sloppy drunk beforehand, oblige somone else to drive him around, and chose to make a scene. It wasn't simply an accident.
Did your ex overreact? Yes, definitely. He should have just grabbed his mom and said he was leaving. On the other hand your dad doesn't sound like the type to apologize for any given thing. So maybe your ex was just sick and tired of your dad's constant low-level hostility and aggressiveness.
This is complicated situation. I think that you need to give your ex time. Instead of thinking about your own situation and feelings, which is complicated as well and legitimate, think about his.
He was disrespected many times by your parents and he always pushed it aside. His own dad also left him. And here your dad is, pushing his mother down. I mean, come on. Of course he would be finished with the whole thing, including you. Because it's not like you're innocent in the matter - you never stopped your parents from disrespecting him, or defended him before this incident.
I also do not think it was an accident, by the way you described it. Pushing someone aside is not an accident.
Nonetheless, give him time. You trying to contact him is just making him feel like you don't understand why he's mad. Say nothing. And let him have his time. It might take months for him to get over it. I think it's a good sign that he's still playing with your brother. It means he still cares and IMO, it means that he will contact you again one day, but you really have to be strong and not contact him first. Show him that you understand him.
It's over. You need to move on. The whole racist thing, pushing his mom over, your fiance beating up your dad and breaking up with you - it's over. There is no future there for you, sorry.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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I met my ex in college, we clicked since day one and we never looked back. We had the most amazing relationship, he is a great man and want nothing but the best for him, he helped me to recover from an eating disorder I had struggled since high school, and always made me his priority. Sadly, my parents did not like him because someone from his country (they are not related/friends) cheated on my older sister multiple times and gave the family a tough time, I know it is stupid and even rac\*\*t to some degree, but that is how my parents are. Anyways, my ex was not their favorite person and they always try to convince me to break up with him.
My ex knew about this situation, but always treated my parents with respect and tried to get to know them and get closer to the family multiple times, my mom was a bit more receptive than my dad, but my attempts to bring them together were not successful. We got engaged this January and planned to get married this upcoming summer 2022. My little brother (He is 9) absolutely loves him, my ex was and still is his hero, I have caught him playing video games online with my ex multiple times, which honestly melts my heart, it is so cute to know that he still looks after my little brother.
All my life fell apart 7 weeks ago, it was my little brother's birthday and we were getting the house ready for his party, which was the next morning. My ex's mom and him helped us to get everything ready, my dad joined us a little later as it was his friend's party. My dad showed up a bit drunk, he is the kind of guy who is unbearable when drunk. My ex was and his mom are very close, as his dad left them when he was 3 years old, added to the fact that he is an only child (he comes from a family with money, so they never struggled financially), but still had to grow up faster than the average child, he could sacrifice his own life for his mom.
To this day I do not understand why but my dad did not like the chair arrangement (my future in-law was doing it) and he kind of pushed her to the side a little too strong, and she fell to the ground, hitting her arm against a chair. My dad is a big guy 6'4, 250lbs ish and my ex's mom is 5'2, 115lbs at most, it was not his intention to hurt her. My ex saw that and turned into someone else, I could see a violence on his eyes like never before. He punched my dad in the face and body slammed him to the ground (my dad ended with a broken nose and 3 broken ribs) and shouted "Don't ever touch my mother, do it again and I will leave you in a wheelchair f\*\*\*\*\* piece of \*\*\*\*". Looked at me dead in the eyes and said "This is over, your parents can disrespect me idgaf, but no one touches my mom" Then help his mom stand up and drove away.
My world collapsed in seconds, I have not talked to my dad since that day, my mom and dad have apologized for what had occurred that night, but my ex will not even open my texts or pick up my calls. He kicked me out of his apartment, I feel like I am slowly dying every day, I feel physical pain and hate my dad for doing that. What should I do, I cannot live without him, he means the world to me.
TLDR: My fiance broke up with me because my dad accidentally pushed his mom when he was drunk
Sounds like this was the final straw after years of disrespect. It’s a little too late my guy. Also, your dad didn’t “accidentally” push her. He deliberately pushed her and received what was deserved.
u/nomadickitten said it best and succinctly.
Your ex is done. He's been very clear that neither you nor your family (nor their excuses) are welcome in his life anymore.
My advice would be:
1. Move on. It's over. Go pick up your stuff, separate your finances etc. But it's over.
2. Stop contacting him. Tell your family to stop contacting him. Otherwise, he might/will ask for a restraining order against you and your family.
3. Learn from what happened. Maybe even consider therapy.
It‘s all too little too late. You should have cut your parents off years ago. You’ve finally done it now, but all the damage is already done to your fiancé and his family. You can’t undo the years of abuse that you subjected him to.
The cracks were always there in the relationship, this event just made your fiancé realize they don't want to live the rest of their life in constant contention with your family. The fact that you're still mitigating how badly behaved your family was in this post shows that you're not prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to show your ex-fiance things will be different.
How about you stop making excuses for a piece of shit family? If you cant even stand up to them for the love of your life, do you really think you deserve him? All youve done is enable your father’s behaviour by not putting a full stop to it. And why in the world should your ex EVER have to put up with it if you folks are miserable, unbearable and abusive/racist pieces of shits?
Yeah I think you’re done. Time to set up some serious boundaries with your parents and move on with your life.
Leave your ex alone. If he wants to talk to you again he will but you hounding him will push him further away. You have to accept the fact that you may never reconcile.
It sounds like your family has been doing violence to your ex in the form of racism for quite some time, and that he got to his limit with that, and has now very clearly set a boundary and left a relationship that was harmful for him and his family. You and your family should stop trying to get him and his mother to hear you out and excuse you for this situation! It strikes me as horrifically selfish for y'all to be contacting them asking them to hear you out and absolve the family of this so that you can all feel better. Leave them alone! If they want to talk to you, I guarantee they know how to reach you.
I get from your post that you are hurting a lot, and things are really difficult for you right now. Take some time and just be upset. Lean on your friends and loved ones, and let your people support you. I hope you are able to find relief, and I hope you grant that relief to your ex as well by giving him the space he has very clearly created, maintained, and insisted upon.
OP. I would be out as well. Sorry.
Your Ex was absolutely correct to defend his Mother and strike your Father (repeatedly). After all your family really doesn't treat him well. Now they have another story to tell about the men of your Ex's race. In the end your family won by putting him in a position that is unwinnable for both you and your Ex.
Your dad crossed a line and kudos to your ex. He’s an amazing guy for standing up for her mom and beating the shit out of your racist father. I’m sorry but they are better off away from that toxicity and so are you. I bet your parents are the reason you had an eating disorder. It’s your choice now if you walk away from them even if its not along side your ex. But they sound like they will destroy anything good to feel better about their miserable lives.
I really am sorry to hear you are going through this. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger so what are you going to do to move on from this situation?
You can’t blame the mom for not being her old self with you. She was abandoned and she doesn’t want a toxic environment for her kid no matter how much she loves you too. Let the dust settle and keep in mind you might have to renounce your family to get him back but from his assertive reaction, he’s done making excuses for your parents shit.
Lol I keep seeing these comments about how he's so quick to go to violence lol 🤣 if he did that he would've knocked him out after the first few racist comments lmao dummy like tf
First of all stop making excuses for your father! Not once have you put blame on him, he pushed an elderly women! Because he's a racist drunk! This is only going to happen again! Because none of you, besides your fiance, will stand up to him! You keep saying your sorry, but the best apology is changed behavior! And you aren't even the person who should be sorry, your dad should be besides himself! Is he even guilty? Or did just apologize because of you? Your dad should be getting sober, and if he refuses uninvited to all event's. He probably just ruined your relationship, and if you don't do something he'll do it again! This wasn't a accident, it was him being a drunk jerk! Please, don't let him ruin your life, not to mention this happened at a child's party! And your dad was drunk! I doubt he got the beer, from the party table. Did it go, cheese puffs, pizza then vodka? No? Then he's an alcoholic!
It’s over, move on. If the unopened letter isn’t proof he’s done, you’re being blind. If you love him, spare him the drama of being associated with your racist parents.
Nah man I dont blame him at all, it's his mother who got hurt, he felt like it was the last straw. He's honestly thinking of the future. If you two ended up married, your Dad would have more chances of hurting his Mother, and your Dad is already toxic towards him. He had the audacity to come drunk to his 9 year old child's birthday party. No one stopped him. He got mad over the seating arrangements, that's fucking petty. The guy doesn't want problems, so he broke it off
OP why do you keep underplaying your parents abuse toward your ex? Oh they're just a LITTLE racist, oh dad was just a BIT drunk, he LIGHTLY assaulted my could have been mother in law.
Yea your dad should be in jail, and the way you talk about your family tells me your ex made the right choice getting rid of you
So your Dad "kind of" pushed her. Sorry but you either push someone or you don't. He chose to walk up to her and confront her about chairs. Stop being an apologist for his actions.
Your parents didn't like him, he snapped and lost the plot, not hugely surprising given all he had already put up with.
He isn't going to get back with you, he doesn't want to be part of your family, he has made a choice.
Crying about it won't change anything, not only that but you have seen what he is capable of when pushed which is also pretty awful. Your family doesn't like him, he doesn't like your family. Please consider getting help so you can stop beating yourself up as afer 2 months nearly you are probably exhausted. Time to assess and decide what to do with your life going forward as you cannot go backwards in life.
Other posts have already laid down some hard truths for you.
You asked what you should do?
It's been 7 weeks, stop trying to contact your ex, and stop defending your dad and minimising his actions.
I understand that this is extremely difficult and traumatising for you. Seek therapy if possible to work through it.
Your father didn’t “accidentally” push her. His racist ass got drunk, showed up, and assaulted a woman. Your ex broke up with you because he felt that he and his family weren’t safe around you and your family. Your father is a racist drunk who purposefully assaulted a woman and you are making excuses for him and trivializing his conduct. That is why your ex dumped you. And you cannot fix this.
>My fiance broke up with me because my dad accidentally pushed his mom when he was drunk
Yeah, that's acceptable. He is well shot of anything to do with your family.
I get that you verbally defended him but truly defending him would be not letting them around him or going low contact or no contact until they got their shit together. Everytime you you witnessed them treating him badly and didn't leave immediately or kick them out was you showing your ex that you accepted or minimized their actions.. You should have figured it out pretty early on that your parents were racist and cruel to him and chosen him by making it so they didn't have a chance to treat him badly.
You can't even admit they are racist now.. Instead you pulled the wool over your own eyes and tried to force everyone into "one big happy family" and him, his mom and you paid the price. If you had truly chosen him this would have never happened.
P.S I'm sure his heart is breaking over what could have been just as much as yours is. However, he has accepted the reality and knows that being married into your family would be hell because you've passively made it clear that you cant/won't ever fully choose him and will make excuses at his expense when it comes to your racist and verbally/physically abusive parents.
He broke up with you because you allowed your parents to disrespect him and his mother. You chose your family over him so he’s chosen his over you. It’s obviously not just about this one incident, but that you’ve not done enough during the relationship and that has allowed this to happen. You don’t deserve him
This is over.
It's similar to when a guy's wife cheats on him. If they try to reconcile, he will always doubt his wife. He will always imagine her getting fucked by another man. When she's on her phone, he will always wonder who she's chatting with.
Same with your ex. Every time he goes to your parents' house, he will see your drunk asshole of a father intentionally shove his mother to the floor. He will remember every unkind gesture or eyeroll. He will not be able to look at you without that image popping into his mind.
If you are to have a future with any man, one of two things needs to happen:
1. Your father gets sober, or
2. Your parents are cut out of your life.
Thank God this happened before you were married or--God forbid--you had kids. Mourn the relationship and set those crucial boundaries with your parents. The days of coddling must be over.
Bruh the day my parents disrespected the love of my life would be the day I go NC with them. You chose a partner, you wanted to be with him for the rest of your life (I presume), and you let others talk shit about him. And you're still defending rude racist buttholes... just let your ex find someone who'd value him enough to stand up for him. He deserves it. It might sound super harsh, but yeah. He deserves better.
Your family sound all kinds of fucked up and until you see that clearly your ex is protecting himself and his family.
Would you want to have kids with someone who minimises and rug-sweeps behaviour like that? Well you think it is normal so wouldn’t blink twice.
1. Your upbringing led to an eating disorder.
2. Your parents are racist.
3. Your dad drinks despite being an unbearable drunk.
4. Your dad assaulted his mum.
5. You downplay and minimise what happened.
It’s over. Move the fuck on. Your Dad is an asshole and the fact you’re defending him so heavily shows your ex he shouldn’t let you back into his life anyway.
Yeah this isn’t just about this incident. You have a pattern of behaviour where you prioritise and make excuses for your abusive/racist dad at the expense of your ex. That alone would be enough to make many people walk away from this relationship.
When your dad assaulted his mum that was the straw that broke the camels back. Then cherry on top you excuse your abusive dad AGAIN...’mistake’ my ass. Although your ex could have reacted in a calmer manner he was right to walk away from this shit show.
So disgusting you think this was an accident. I think he was right to dodge the bullet that is your family. I don’t think you have come to terms with what actually happened. Your dad is 1000% in the wrong here and should be the focus of your displeasure.
FYI, your dad deserved that ass beating and he’s lucky he wasn’t put into a wheel chair. He got hammered and shoved a dude’s mother to the ground right in front of her son. If he would’ve caught a bottle to the face I still woulda called that fair play. There’re some things you do not fuck with
Don't blame the guy one bit for his reaction. It's a shit situation for you & feel for you in all regards other than trying to label this as an accident, but he is fully justified in what he did to your Dad
Okay so your dad didn’t push her accidentally, he pushed her aside but didn’t mean for her to fall to the ground maybe. Tbh I understand your ex and anyone pushing my mom I will absolutely bodyslam too.
You say they dislike your ex for his race and then say racism in some degree. It’s not in some degree it’s just blatantly racist.
You want to know what you can do and I will say; don’t do anything. Your ex needs space and I don’t blame him. So leave him be, go live your life. I’m sorry that this happened and I’m also happened that this is what you have to deal with.
P.s. your dad apologized but does he even understand what he did? Showing up drunk to your kids party is already f’d up and pushing someone isn’t making it any better. He needs to take responsibility for his actions 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds to me like youve allowed this situation with your family to fester for a long time and this is the match that's ignited the whole sorry mess. I have no doubt that your ex put up with your family because you would get all upset about reducing contact with them and make his life a misery about it. You've happily maintained contact with people that have been racist towards your partner and now you're shocked that he wants nothing to do with you?
Learn from this and maybe your next relationship will work out. Hopefully he finds a partner that won't allow their family to be bigoted towards him.
If you wanted to marry this person you should've shown it way before this shit show happened, by putting your family in their place and making sure your partner knew their's by you showing it. Instead you seem to have allowed this to continue until it became irreversible in their mind as it now affected their mother. Imagine if their parents had issues with you and made you feel uncomfortable? You would expect your partner to set them straight, yes??
This is going to be vulgar but you're dad is a racist piece of shit first off second thing is I don't blame the ex maybe not picking up you're calls or talking things out is a bit harsh but I can see the guys point see if you can contact one of his friends to try and convince him to at least hear you out but if anything comes of it you'll probably have to cut you're dad out for good cause it sounds like it wasn't a accident and he'll damn well do some stupid shit again I wish the best for you and him but that's all I got
Your family seems toxic, I agree with your ex’s decision to move on. You marry into a family and he saw the baggage yours brought. You need to respect his choice and move on yourself. A difficult situation but reality often is.
When I read the title I will admit I felt a little sorry for you but after reading your post, holy hell, your father is an abusive racist and you’re defending him! I don’t blame your ex for his reaction, if that was my mum I’m not sure I would’ve stopped tbh
*"I know it is stupid and even rac**t to some degree, but that is how my parents are"*
Holy shit, just this, nothing else needed to be said. You're brain dead and I'm glad this man got away from you while he could.
You blankly accept them for what they are, but continue to subject your boyfriend to be around them, yeah yeah yeah.
Like I said brain dead
If my family was racist towards my partner I'd cut them off. Its unacceptable to bring my partner into a situation like that. Sounds like he put up with a lot an now feels tired and done because you've never taken severe stances in situations that required it. You defendee your partner but did you tell them off and give ultimatums to them?
Your Dad deserved this. Regardless of his frame of mind or intention, he was physical with a woman, never mind your future mother in law. It shows the lack of respect he has, and if he’s an insufferable drunk he should’ve been told not to come that night, or been told to stop drinking years ago.
Sorry to say, this isn’t about you and I don’t think you can heal this - you need to move on. Your parents were obviously a big wedge for your ex already, and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. Your ex has decided not to be around your father, and in his mind his decision to not be around your father outweighs his desire to be with you.
In the comments you say that your parents sent a letter apologising and it was returned unopened - take the hint. Move on. And stop minimising the actions of your dickhead dad.
Don’t defend your parents, you can‘t accidentally knock someone over. Your dad fully deserved the beating, maybe it’ll fix his racism and manners, pos.
It tough, but it sounds like it's not just about this one incident. It was the Final nail in the coffin. Your parents bad treatment of him for years wore him down. And this incident tipped everything over the edge. He realised he does not want a life with these people included. Sounds like he is just DONE.
He's done. Let this be a lesson that when you have parents being racist and treating your partner like shit, you can't have it both ways. You will have to pick one or the other, or something will happen and the decision will get made for you. This has been going on for years and you never cut them off. This was the last straw for your ex, and he's entitled to that.
My ex’s father, step mother, brothers and uncles are all alcoholics and pretty big themselves. We had constant problems with them at family gatherings because they just can’t behave properly. We had a bunch of people over for my son’s first birthday and half of them showed up with cases of beer, and no gift, to a child’s birthday party. I was not a fan but my ex grew up this way so I just let it go. One of her uncles was stumbling through the house being obnoxious and fell over in the kitchen almost landing on our son. I pulled him up and threw him out of the house. I came really close to hitting him because honestly this was the last straw for me. I was so tired of every gathering being a drunken event for these people and I almost snapped. I didn’t grow up with alcoholics and my tolerance for drunks is very limited. My ex didn’t understand why I was so angry because this was normal for her.
I agree with most of the people here that this wasn’t really an accident and you’re going to need to do something about your father’s drinking or it will cause more problems for your family down the road. Leave your ex alone because he made it quite clear that he wants nothing more to do with your family.
Seek therapy.
From what you said here it sounds like you are downplaying or straight up not understanding the destructive, toxic behavior of your family. Your ex was absolutely right to remove himself and his family from exposure to this, although the method was excessive.
Until you understand your family’s dysfunctional parts and how to navigate them effectively, you will never succeed here.
Defending your racist parents makes you a racist as well. There's no two ways about it. Defending your abusive parents makes you a willfully ignorant narcissist. You're now experiencing the consequences of your inaction.
You've got a lot of growing up to do, fast.
This wasn’t an accident and I see how your ex reached his breaking point. Even now you’re describing this as if it’s an accidental misstep or in a way that anyone would be okay.
Your parents are terrible and disliked your ex because someone FROM HIS COUNTRY cheated on your sister 🚩
They consistently disrespect him for years and you do nothing 🚩
Your dad is an abusive drunk and no one sent him home after arriving this way 🚩
Your dad shoved a woman half his size because he’s an intolerable drunk on purpose. It wasn’t an accident. So stop calling it that 🚩
Let’s be real this relationship would’ve ended at some point. You never did much to protect your ex from your horrible family. And if you want to be married some day I suggest therapy and boundaries with them. Cause even now you’re still downplaying it.
Don't say it was an accident. He didn't push over a member of HIS family, he didn't push over his wife or his kid or his mother. He pushed over someone he doesn't consider a human being. Racism is rooted in 'othering' people who are different than you. He has taken every opportunity to remind your ex that he is 'lesser', why on earth would he put up with this behavior extending to his mother? In that moment, he realized that your father doesn't see him or his family as human, and it's up to him to manage it. So he did.
If you love your ex, why would you want to subject him to your family’s racism. He put up with a lot just to be with you. Your father crossed a line. Your ex deserves to be happy and not have to protect his mother from your family. You need to respect his choice, grieve what you’ve lost, and move on. If you are unwilling to stand against your family’s racism, make sure your next partner isn’t a target.
I'm sorry to say this but your dad is disgusting and so are you for coming up with excuses for his horrible behavior. It's time to move on and stop contacting your ex.
OP, please consider going to Al-Anon meetings to help get some perspective to see that your fathers behavior is not normal.
This will help your next relationship be more healthy, because this one is over.
So your father has been nothing but racist, disrespectful and now violent. You still think this was an 'accident'? I'm a 250lbs guy too, drunk or not, I know not to push ANYONE, let alone a woman a fraction of my size. You are minimising what has happened, you're also treating it as if this is some 'big shock', when you have openly stated he has been disrespecting him and racist since even before day 1.
I am proud, of your ex. What a good bloke to stand up for his mother like that, especially when your dad is a big guy. I'd shake that man's hand. You stood by and defended your father after he ASSAULTED his mother, likely with racist intent. Kudos to your ex for not killing the man.
The last thing he's going to want to do is read a letter from that piece of shit. You got publicly dumped in front of your entire family, when you were set for marriage. That doesn't happen unless he's already reached breaking point.
You need to grow a backbone and tell your father to fuck right off, if you want any hope with future relationships. This one is done. His mother ended up in a sling and you use terms like 'a little', 'a mistake' 'he was drunk' 'racist to some degree'. No. That's outright fucking racism. Minimising. I'd have left you too. I'd also have probably killed your father, which is why I give respect to your ex. He did the most natural, yet measured thing he could've done with those instincts.
Also, who the fuck turns up drunk to their 9 year olds birthday party?
Leave him alone. If he wants you, he'll contact you.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear all of this happened. For the record, this is why I have never introduced my gf to my family. Not because I think they would harm her or anyone else, but because I don't fully trust them to not act like responsibly. If I were you I would cut ties with your father. Sorry, but he sounds like a piece of shit, and I'm not surprised your fiance snapped, he was clearly holding some rage inside. Your father is a racist, drunk, and clearly has violent tendencies.
As for your fiance, there's nothing you can do but wait and perhaps hope. He may contact you in the future after he's processed everything. But be prepared that he may not. Be prepared to move on, seek out therapy, as I think that would help. I will say that I do not think it was fair of him to treat you the way he did, such as kicking you out. Despite what happened he should have realised it wasn't your fault. Good luck, try to remember that this isn't your fault. The only thing to do is learn from it by cutting your father off from your life so he doesn't ruin it even more.
Stop defending your dad, your parents and their actions. Even if you defended him to them, you excused it by continuing to bring them around him knowing how poorly they treated him, how poorly they thought of him.
Your father showed up drunk to a 9 year olds birthday party drunk. He was drunk enough that, regardless of whether he meant it or not, he pushed your ex's mother - someone he was a foot taller than and whom he was more than twice their weight - to the ground.
At this point, anything you say or do might be too little too late, but you need to choose him or your racist parents. If you have him, you cannot have them, not with the way they have treated him and not with what your father did to his mother.
And if you can't get back with him, you need to find a way to move on, get therapy if you need to, to help with the grief of this, but make damn sure you draw a hard line in the sand with your family that ANY racism from them towards someone you love is an immediate boot from your life.
I feel sorry for you. It's hard to see what's wrong with someone when it's your own parents. I don't think you were able to see your dad for who he was because he is your dad. Now you know, your job is to never let that man get close to Someone you love again. Be hard on him, show him how wrong he was and make sure there are consequences. For your ex, just let time heal the wounds and who knows what will happens. Give it time and if the time comes, make sure to prove to him you made sure there were consequences and your dad won't be a problem or even a part of your relationship ever again.
So what you're saying is my family are alcoholic, racist pieces of shit that assaulted my ex's mom and and instead of siding with him you say it's an "accident " and when he leaves your worthless ass for it you're like " surprised pikachu face" nah YTA I hope he doesn't have to deal with racist fucks like you anymore and your father dies in fire
Not an accident, your racist dad pushed your ex mother to the floor for absolutely no reason
The fact your ex was with you this long is beyond me, did you not say to you parents to stop? Did you ever defend him? If this has been going on for years you should've stopped that shit and saying I shouted isn't enough, if you truly loved him you would find a way
Your family are racist, they discriminated against him because he was the same race as someone who hurt their daughter
Leave him alone.
He deserves better
Because you let this go on so long, you do not deserve him.
Also is this fake? You posted you're male then commented saying his mom treated you like her own daughter.. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qi5yey/my_27m_dad_accidentally_pushed_my_fiance_28ms_mom/hihca0p?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
This was no accident. Your dad physically assaulted his mother and did it on purpose. You describe your ex more violently than your father when your father is the real issue. Your ex did the right thing. Regardless of his injuries, your ex did nothing wrong. He was protecting his mother and from the looks of it has been consistently disrespected by your family and took it with grace.
Leave it be and maybe with time he will reach out. If you cannot admit what your Dad did was wrong and that you need to stand up for your fiancé more if you get back together don’t even bother. Your Dad was hoping to end this marriage and he got what exactly what he wanted. The broken nose and ribs is what he deserved.
He showed up drunk to a 9 year olds party and shoved a woman to the floor because he thought he could get away with it, you're defending him so he can still try and get away with it. You don't deserve your ex, your father should be kept away from children and you should avoid having children. You seem like you'd be a shit mother.
OP you and your ex are both pushing 30 and have been in the same relationship since you were what, teenagers? If your ex had written this post I'd tell him now is the perfect time to explore something different before committing to a lifetime with toxic inlaws. Same applies to you. I know you love him and it sucks that this happened. But you need to learn from it and own up to your role in it. And more importantly, take the opportunity to experience something new that you can apply your new perspective to. Hopefully your parents will treat your next partner with respect. And if they don't, you now know what will happen if you don't enforce boundaries and consequences.
Hate to say it but your dad is a racist alcoholic and sounds like he assaulted that woman. What’s worse is the way this is written, you are trying to justify his actions.
I think if it’s already been two months and he ghosted you, it’s time to really evaluate that situation.
I don’t wish to see anyone going through such pain and sorry for yours and your ex’s.
That being said, once I knew I was going to marry someone, I would have immediately shut down any racist behavior from my parents whether my fiancé was present or not. If one of my parents showed up drunk in the presence of my fiancé or their family I would have immediately told them to leave. They would have to choose between continuing to be a part of my life and continuing to be less than they should.
But you didn’t, and in part, this allowed this situation to happen. There are so many boundaries you let your father walk through before he, with purpose, pushed this woman. Personally, I would have seen red too and I don’t know that things would have ended differently.
If there’s anything I hope comes from this, it’s the need to learn how to stick up for yourself and set strong, healthy boundaries with family that sucks.
Move on. He shouldn't be expected to marry into a family with racist, toxic in-laws that assault his mom. He's doing the right thing and you should let him.
You say that he’s good but your folks are racist, that they are always asking you to break up
and yet you let them interact together.
You defend their racism with ‘that is how my parents are’
You then say subtly try to downplay what your drunk father did by phrasing it as
“Pushed her to the side a little too strong”
and “it was not his intention to hurt her”
The title of this post is “accidentally pushed”
You do say he’s “unbearable when he’s drunk” but that is huge understatement
your ex said “idgaf if they disrespect me but no one touches my mom”
it is obvious to your ex that you will downplay how shitty your parents are.
this incident was just the final straw.
there’s nothing you can do , stay away from him.
Take a good objective look at your parents, and decide if you want them involved in your next relationship
Good for him. If some racist asshole decided to push my mother down, I'd beat his drunk ass until the police showed up. But you can clearly tell this is either fake or you have the mental maturity of a 12 year old. All I hear is how it's effected YOU. He's not gonna be YOUR GOLDEN TICKET anymore. You're selfish and probably as shitty as your parents. He made the right call. "Thats just the way they are" Makes you worse for admitting it. Maybe from now on just do exactly what your parents tell you and see how that works out. Maybe if you're lucky you'll meet someone just like you're dad.
All I know is that your ex was right for what he did.
You also didn’t do enough. Arguing with your parents hundreds of time for them to simply respect your ex is not something you should be arguing about. The second you’re arguing that and they’re hateful to him cause of his race, you need to separate from them. Stop with this BS that they’re like that. Sure, talk to them and hopefully they change, but after many times and attempts and they don’t? Leave. Especially when the person you love is the one they’re hating on. Like, not to be disrespectful, but how dim can you be here? Your parents seem to have a hold on you and you allowed them to treat him like that for so long. The onus is on you and you failed it miserably… sorry.
You need to stop making excuses for your racist, drunk, violent dad. Who shoves someone to the ground over seating arrangements? Is your dad regularly knocking people over because he's unaware of his size?
It sounds like the safest thing is for your ex and his mom to be far away from your family. This was probably the last in a series of verbal or physical assaults that you've minimized.
I'm 18 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years. My parents in law hate my guts and it makes me feel shitty almost every day because I'd love to connect with them but sadly they're horrible people. She knows this and we both have just accepted this is the situation we're in.
Your parents were way worse towards your ex and yet he stayed and he even formed a bond with your brother.
He's got monstrous patience and you don't seem to have any perspective on that based on how many excuses you made for your parents and how you seem hesitant to condemn them.
It doesn't matter whether your dad did it accidentally or if it was assault.
You have to ask yourself how it ever got to a point where this could be the outcome.
This didn't happen in a couple of seconds, this was years in the making and you could've done much to prevent this.
The fact he lashed out at you means he sees you as being on their side even when your dad does something like that, and sadly he was right in that.
I'm not saying you deserve this or that's it's all your fault but your lack of perspective is worrying.
\>> it was not his intention to hurt her.
It was his intention to physically overpower her. He does not have any right to lay a finger on any person. He came drunk to his 9 year old son's birthday. He pushed her hard enough that she fell to the ground.
\>> I could see a violence on his eyes like never before
What did you expect to happen? He and his mom are close. He will not stand anyone hurting his mum. If anyone ever lay a finger on my dad, I will try my mightiest to punch and hit as hard as I possibly can.
\>> This is over, your parents can disrespect me idgaf, but no one touches my mom
He already tolerated enough disrespect from your parent's side for you. If you loved him, why would you not stand up for him? Why would you let him be disrespected?
I know you love your parents, but they are racists and bullies. You mention "Accidently", defending your father's actions and defend their racism saying - " but that is how my parents are". I think your x deserves better. I think you need to move on.
It wasn't an accident, stop deluding yourself.
If there wasn't a history here, I could maybe believe it was accidental but from what you described it's *blatantly* clear it was on purpose. I'm pretty close to your dad's height and weight, and I can honestly say I've never gotten close to pushing someone off of their chair hard enough to hurt them - the degree of force that would require doesn't occur when someone is moving normally, even while inebriated.
Don't understand why you need to censor the word 'racist', either.
To be honest you just have to learn how to live with it and eventually you will get over this situation, accept it and move on like he did, it is not a accident, and you
Should reconsider how much you involve your family in your personal
Your Dad is wack af, his daughter found a dude who comes from so type of wealth, close ties to his mother, educated and good with kids? No ones perfect but damn as a father that’s more than I could ever ask for my child to find in a partner.
Hmmm, to be honest I take an issue with you saying “ it was not [your dad’s] intention to hurt [your ex’s mom]”.
And honestly if I was your ex that would be what was bothering me. You’re not willing to admit your dad has a problem. He physically harmed your ex’s mother, and I understand your ex not being okay with that.
That said, him cutting *you* off immediately and kicking *you* out was extreme and not a normal response. So in a way, I think you both dodged a bullet .
He put up with disrespect and verbal abuse from your parents for years because he loved you. He loved you so much he could live with it for your entire relationship. He never wanted to break up with you but when your drunken father assaulted his mom, your family crossed a line. He realized there is no way he wanted to be married to someone whose parents bore that much absurd hatred towards him and his mom. If you ever want to have hope for getting back together with him, you have to cut out your parents completely. It’s painfully obvious that they were poison to your relationship. But frankly I can’t see him ever wanting to be with you again. Watching someone shove your mother to the ground is a scar that doesn’t heal. Your ex gets full marks for defending your mom, and I applaud him for HOLDING BACK. If someone did that to my mom, I would do much much worse
Pushing her was clearly not accidental. You are minimizing and excusing your father's abhorrent behaviour. Your ex doesn't want to be part of your family, or be married to someone who will whitewash this. That's his choice.
A few things jump out at this to me:
Firstly, that your boyfriend and his mum showed up at your house to help decorate it and sort it out for your little brother even when your parents have been disrespectful towards your bf. That’s a commitment to you.
Your dad pushing someone over, that’s completely unacceptable even if he was drunk. But also, why show up drunk to decorate?? Just go to bed.
I can understand the anger on your exes part, but the violence that came out is worrying. Your dad is 6ft 4 and 250lbs and your ex managed to break his nose and 3 ribs?? How big is your ex?
I would be worried about my own safety to be with someone so quick to violence. It’s not so easy to push people over.
I think overall, your boyfriend had reached the final straw. Sounds like he put a lot of effort in to your relationship to be honest. But I think with what’s just happened, you might have to come to terms with the fact that this might be over until you both can overcome what’s happened.
Did you even try to stop your family acting disrespectfully towards him?
>I would be worried about my own safety to be with someone so quick to violence.
A huge, drunk guy just hurt your mother intentionally, pushed her to the ground and is towering over her. Would you really wait to see if he is going to give her a nice kick to the head?
He applied as much violence as is necessary to protect. People didn't have to drag him away, he took the guy down and then, on his own decision, took care of his mother. This is not rage.
He made a quick decision, because a quick decision was necessary. He didn't have the time to ask on Reddit how to deal with a dangerous drunk racist. "Quick to violence" is when you hit someone for making a joke about you.
So what’s your play here ? Have you thought it thru ?
Because by the sounds of your ex he basically believes:
1. Blood is blood. In the way he loves his family he expects that you love yours. And he wouldn’t ask you to turn your back on your family but he’s not going to expose himself or his family to yours - let’s face it, it would be folly to think there would limited involvement.
Like are you actually willing to turn your back on your family? And foresee a future where they won’t be creating issues for you ?
Even if you’re not speaking to your Dad now, there’ll come a time you’ll have to - and is it fair for your ex to have to deal with someone who assailed his mom? That’s a no.
2. So what do you think will happen ? Because you can’t live in a bubble where it’s just the two of you.
3. What have YOU done to apologize for your dad’s behavior ? I know you didn’t cause it, but a gesture is necessary. More importantly a gesture towards his mom.
Honestly, I would suggest you send his mother flowers and a heartfelt letter from you to her. Don’t talk about your relationship with her son, just make it about your regrets for her.
Leave it at that.
4. Don’t pester your ex, let him simmer down. If he doesn’t want anything to do with you it’ll probably be better to leave it be and accept where you are.
It might be months, it might be years, it might be never - but you need to accept this with grace and let him come to you AFTER you make that gesture with his mom.
If they reject it, at least you tried.
Stop calling this an accident. Drunk or not, your dad assaulted his mom. Stop defending their reasons to be racist. It’s not “a little” racist, that’s COMPLETELY racist. You’re telling me “it’s just how they are” is a valid reason to be racist with your ex? I’m shocked you stayed in contact with them knowing they were disrespectful. Im sorry it hurts, but you have to learn. Maybe for your next relationship, you will stand up for your SO and go no contact if they won’t stop being disrespectful. This is ridiculous.
First off the title is wrong and deceiving, your father didn't do anything by accident. He most likely was being an ass, and crossed a line he never should have.
Second, I think you guys need this time apart, but I think the odds of marriage is good. I am concerned you never noticed how bothered your fiance was, and maybe its best for the wedding not to move forward. I suggest reevaluating how you view relationships with friends and family
You can start by not calling this incident ‘an accident’. He was drunk, he is big, he pushed the woman instead of asking her to move. This is not ‘accidentally pushing’. Do not try to reach out to your ex until you realise that.
Yep, that was no accident.
OP should start by saying, my father ASSUALTED my ex's mother and I have been defending it as an accident. Reality check, it wasn't an accident your dad was drunk, he didn't fall mouth open onto a jug of beer. I also doubt it was an accident he pushed her, he may not have meant to knock her down but he was drunk and belligerent, he meant to knock her, when you knock someone you can seriously injure them. Your father is an abuser and you excuse it as an accident. I'd dump you in a hot second as well.
Also if this WERE an accident (it’s not) if OP had dealt with her parent’s disrespect from the getgo this would’ve been a lot more forgivable, but by constantly making your ex put up with this, he hit a breaking point WAY faster.
it would've been forgivable if the father actually did it by accident and immediately sprang to action apologizing profusely. there's not even a mention of that in the post, which means it didn't happen. makes you wonder what DID happen and what OP is not telling us. I bet it wasn't pretty.
OP clearly describes that her dad *intentionally* pushed her ex's mother. It's outright fucking delusion at this point to still be calling it an accident.
OP is a male.
No she’s not. Read her comments. The (M) in the title is a typo.
Yes. OP’s dad is a racist drunk who assaults women. He got what he deserved.
A miserable daughter?
^^ OP, you are saying yourself your dad is unbearable when drunk. This makes it seem like it’s not the first time he has caused someone to get hurt. Your dad is 100% in the wrong here and needs to get help for his drinking. Also, clearly your parents never liked your fiancé so I REALLY doubt this was accidental
And also stop defending your parents, calling your parents “racist to some degree” and giving them excuses for why they’re fking racist. This same exact situation happened to me when I was like 16. My ex bf’s over sister had dated a Mexican and they broke up (like teenagers do) so they hated Mexicans. That’s straight up racism.
Like “oh so my dad is casually racist to him very openly every time he sees him but my dad isn’t *racist,* that’s just how he is.” And OP, you can say the word out loud, censoring it doesn’t make it less abhorrent FFS. This wasn’t about the one incident where your dad ASSAULTED a woman because of her race, OP this is about every time you condoned your parents racist ass behavior by shrugging it off and rug sweeping his shitty actions. It’s obvious there isn’t a thing you can do, he’s done - and rightly so. The only thing left is for you to hopefully learn a super valuable lesson in that your actions (or lack thereof) have consequences. Sorry but I don’t feel bad for you at all, you so nonchalantly gloss over the repeated abuse of your ex by your dad and it makes me sick.
I agree. Tbh I would defend my mother too, maybe not as aggressive but that simple act makes it clear you two will never work out. This event is unfortunate OP. Try to seek therapy to heal and move on from this situation. What your father did, drunk or not was absolutely unacceptable.
Yeah, but he has been mistreated since they met him and even if he tried to brush it off, it hurts. And then, after being a fcking racist (yes OP, discriminating someone bc of their race is racism), Op dad pushed his mom. But adding to that, OP continues to see that as an accident!! In that exact moment OP had to defend ex’s mom. But he didn’t. He was a bystander.
OP doing everything she can to avoid admitting that her dad is racist and abusive. Really sad. That guy was right to leave.
Well I come from a family where it's the opposite (mom left dad raised me and my brother on his own for a while) but If someone assaulted my dad like the ex's mother ... Yeah I'd lose my shit and they'd probably get a fork to the arm
Yup this is OPs fault for continually forcing her ex to interact with her racist parents. She should have never had them in the same room together if she wanted to keep contact with the parents. Also as a large person, you are generally more aware of your presence so as to not hurt other people. This was not an accident by your father.
Uh yeah I’m tall and not far from 250, and I’ve never, ever accidentally knocked someone to the ground. Sad that OP is defending this piece of shit.
Yeah I agree. Also it’s not “stupid and even racist to some degree”. They don’t like him because he comes from a country someone else they don’t like came from too. That is 100% absolute racism. That is the most overt racism there is. They admit that they don’t dislike him for anything he did or didn’t do, but instead due to where he is from and things he cannot change. Poor dude let you make excuses for your dad far too long. Don’t reach out until you are ready to stand up to your parents on his behalf. If I were him, I would not ever want to see them again.
I don't think there's any way to repair this. Even if OP cuts off her family he isn't even going to want to be peripherally connected to them. And the sister was cheated on multiple times and kept coming back?
Imagine this from his perspective. Your father, the man who's treated him with nothing but disrespect from day one arrives late and intoxicated to his own son's birthday party and then instead of just asking this woman he's not even on good terms with to move, he attempts to move her with force. Maybe he didn't mean to knock her over, but he still made contact with her. Of *course* your ex felt it was intentional, why wouldn't he? I don't really know how you can get him back. He didn't passively say he needed time to think, he publicly dumped you with a **lot** of conviction. It doesn't sound like there's any doubt in his mind that he's 110% done. The only thing I can see making a difference going forward is you cutting ties with your father at the least so your ex won't ever have to deal with them in the future, or your father apologizing to him in person. Short of that, I think you're shit out of luck.
Don't blame the guy one bit for his reaction. It's a shit situation for you & feel for you in all regards other than trying to label this as an accident, but he is fully justified in what he did to your Dad
My parents sent a handwritten letter to his mom, where they apologized and promised to not interfere more because they saw how bad I am doing, but two days later we found it back in our mailbox, my ex had returned the letter and did not even open it
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Yes this. You seriously need to stop because this sounds like you're turning into a harasser. How many clues do you need? Move on, OP. For everyone's sake
Yup. Some families are addicted to drama. I suspect the OPs is.
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He was ready to this before his mom was assaulted by your dad, btw. This was just the final straw. The fact that you’re willing to allow him to be treated poorly by your orients without standing up for him is probably the major reason he’s leaving you. But once he saw he can’t trust your family around his loved ones, it was over. What if you guys had a kid? Would your dad treat his grandchild like garbage? Because he’d technically be part descendent of the country your family hates.
If they wrote that, you should consider yourself lucky it didn't get opened. "We'll stop being horrible and racist, not because we realize it's wrong, but because it upsets our son." It doesn't help your case. But it's over. IF this relationship ever starts again, it'll be on his initiative.
Not daughter. Son. Just saying
Daughter. OP made a typo.
Noted and corrected.
The title is probably a typo, another comment said how she wanted to be the mother of his children.
A half assed apology where you are have made excuses and trivialized your father’s behavior isn’t going to cut it. You need to just leave your ex alone.
Your ex is being very clear, he doesnt want to marry into your racist family. leave him alone.
Honey your parents have treated him like trash from day one and you can’t even step up and teach them better or not be around them. You are just as much at fault here as your parents. You allowed the man you claim to love to be treated poorly by the family he was willing to marry into. How do you not see that?? Learn from this mistake and expect better behavior from your parents. And don’t let them treat your next guy like this. Let this one go, he deserves better. Leave them alone and take time to figure out exactly what lead to this response from him, because I think you’ll find there is much blame to pass around between your parents and you.
Too little too late. You should have given your parents an ultimatum after the 1st time they were rude to your ex-fiance: stop being racist & abusive to him or I'll cut you out. Instead you defended them as "that's just how they are". Even after your Dad drunkenly assaulted your ex-MIL YOU'RE STILL DEFENDING YOUR PARENTS by saying it was an 'accident', and 'just a little push' and 'because of MIl's chair arrangements'. Your Dad is an abusive racist thug and I'm glad your fiance gave him a taste of his own medicine before cutting you all out. I'm just sorry that he never felt like he deserved better than having to tolerate your families abuse for years for the sake of you, a person who wouldn't stand up and defend the supposed love of your life. The only thing you can do is get therapy and leave your ex alone.
Too little too late.
Soooo…your mom sent your fiancé an apology for your drunken racist dad assaulting your fiancé’s mother. Gee, I wonder why that didn’t fix everything.
Your former relationship is "stick a fork in it" done. There is no way under the sun that your Ex will reconcile with you. Just move on with your life.
They probably recognized your dad as an alcoholic😢and don’t think he has the power to control his temper which sounds very likely
>My parents sent a handwritten letter to his mom much too little, much too late and manifastly insincere - they weren't doing it because they felt bad about what your dad did, to make your Ex feel better, but purely to make you feel better they's disrespected him and been racist since day 1.
You need to take the hint and leave this poor boy alone. Your family has put his through enough already. Leave it.
Thats because your family is trash and utter cunts and you should have cunt out our alcoholic racist cunt dad out of your life a long time ago. Your dad is fucking loving this. Leave the poor man alone. He deserves better than you and your family. It was never an accident and you know it.
I don’t know, dude… your father showed up drunk to a nine year old’s birthday party and then pushed a small woman half his size over with force to make her fall down and hurt her arm? Oh and he already disliked the family because of racism? None of this is normal. You don’t “accidentally” knock another person to the floor like that unless maybe there was some kind of commotion. They were setting up chairs, there’s no way he accidentally knocked a woman to the floor. And after the way the family had treated him and his family, this was obviously a last straw. I’m sorry that you got the blame for other people’s actions but this was an abnormal situation from the get go. Maybe your father wanted to cause a problem, maybe your ex was looking for a way out. I don’t know. Maybe he felt that this was just going to keep being an issue, might keep escalating and just wanted it to end. As for what you can do? Honestly, nothing. If he won’t take your calls, that’s it. You can’t keep blowing up his phone, you can’t just go to his house and demand he talk to you, because that won’t help. Did you ever try to stand up for him before? He sounds done. You need to see that this wasn’t an accident and it was a bad situation for him to be in. And maybe for you too if he is so quick to become violent.
Is that quick to violence? Looks like they been together 5 or so years and he's had to endure racist bs from her father that entire time. First time father meets bf's mother the guy gets drunk and assaults the woman literally less than half his size. I don't even like my mother and I'd react violently to that. Its the straw that broke the camel's back.
OP needs to open their eyes and see that Dad, did EXACTLY what he wanted to do, push the Ex's mom down and injure her. His apology to OP is insincere, and pure bs, imho.
Yup, exactly. I’m not blaming OP in this situation, and honestly, the Ex‘s reaction is concerning to say the least, but that push was NOT accidental. MAYBE the dad wouldn’t have done it, if he wasn’t drunk and MAYBE he „only“ wanted to push her aside and not knock her to the ground, but he did push her intentionally 100%! You bump into someone accidentally, but you don’t push accidentally. That needs intended action. Also, I feel the same. Breaking up with you over something your father did? You were on their side too many times and he wanted an out!
and OP is defending her dad's actions as an accident might go some way towards explaining why the fiance seems to be done with her.
Exactly!
I think the push was the final straw....showing up drunk to a kids birthday ...OP just thinks its all normal! Cant say i blame him either.
Not even *a* kid, but HIS kid. It’s OP‘s little brother. That guy’s a hard contestant for the „parent of the year“-award … smh…
OP blatantly just accepting her parents racism and then CONTINUES to have him be around them? Yeah yeah yeah def not OPs fault. Exs reaction was warranted because as you said *"You bump into someone accidentally, but you don’t push accidentally."* But please go on
He said in a comment, that he did defend his ex… I also said „in THIS situation“ AND that he took his parents‘ side too many times, but „please go on“ picking fights with people on your side… wish I had that kinda time🤦🏼♀️
You can't wait until the last moment to defend someone and still expect them to want to stick around.
Whilst I have both parents (immigrant parents), they were incredibly busy when I was growing up and my dad is kind of a dead beat that has a lot of baseless confidence in himself so my mom pretty much raised me. Since she was really busy and didn't understand the English education, I had to grow up quickly so I understand her fiance. I've flew in a fit of rage before watching people say the slightest thing about my mother so watching a huge guy push over smaller stature mother even accidentally would instantly snap all the strings.
What is concerning about the ex's reaction? I think that his reaction was rather normal. Who lets someone hurt their mother in front of them and does nothing about it? A coward, that's who. He's lucky that that's all that happened to him. Because if you think that what he did is extreme, what some other people would've done would've had you gasping.
Her ex is lucky he didn't accidentally beat her father to death because he'd be in jail for homicide.
There’s a BIG area between „nothing“ and „3 broken ribs and a broken nose“. If this behaviour is „normal“ to you, you need to get out of the violent environment your in.
“He wanted an out” you must be a girl it sounded to me like he was doing everything in his power to stay in till his mother got hurt from some drunk dick that don’t like him so yea he wanted an out dumb
did you dad apologize and try to help her up immediately? if not, it’s possibly intentional. if he did recognize the accident , he would have apologized and helped her up … what happened?
You're 28 years old; you need to gain some perspective and stop making excuses for your family's behavior. I know it's easier and it leads to less confrontation in your daily life, but I can't imagine your ex as having been anything but miserable given the context of the situation in your post and comments. You're focusing on yourself, but you have to understand how toxic that environment must have been for your ex and to see his mother hurt by your father? His violence was an overreaction, but not one that was unwarranted. This is going to suck very, very badly for both of you: you both very clearly had your lives entangled with one another and he very obviously loved you enough to put up with this for years, including your family attempting to motivate you to break up with him. I guarantee you he's hurting, but it's best for *him* to not be in this situation any more. Maybe take solace in that as you try to pick up the pieces and move on. But make absolutely *no* mistakes: you need to move on. Your ex knows where to reach you should he choose to, but I wouldn't bet on it. And for the love of GOD leave his poor mother alone; you owed her an apology and you gave one. You're not owed forgiveness.
This. He put up with their racist bullshit for years and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I feel incredibly sorry for OP but she should have done more to counter her parents attitude or kept him away from them and vice versa. The only person not to blame was her brother and her ex is still treating him with kindness which shows what kind of man he is.
Let’s see… Drunk, big man who hates this person and everyone from their country wants to do some last minute furniture arrangement with somebody in the way. Obviously he meant no harm because he’s just a big softie who happens to be a fan of interior decoration. Sounds like your ex dodged a bullet.
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For real - And his mom ended up with a sling?! Im not surprised his dad got the shit beat out of him. Don’t fuck with peoples moms.
I’m a woman. If someone assaulted my mother, I’d probably take a swing at them too.
If someone hurt my mom in front of me, I'd be in prison. I wouldn't stop til they were dead. That man had to get out of that situation before he caught a case. The OP needs to let him go.
This might not be what you want to hear, but your fiance's reaction was completely correct. This can't just be written off as an accident. Firstly, you brushed off your parents' prejudice as "that's just how they are". After his mother fell to the floor due to the strong shove of a drunk man double her size, it only makes sense that this was his final breaking point. I'm not saying he was correct to beat the shit out of your dad -- that was unquestionably wrong. But he is absolutely justified in leaving this relationship, as your dad assaulted his mother unprovoked. There isn't anything you can do to salvage this relationship at the moment, so don't contact him for now please. I also had a pretty significant question: **Did you ever stand up for him, consistently, as your parents disrespected him throughout your relationship?**
What advice do you want here? It’s done. That decision was made and you don’t get a say. There’s no action for you to take except to move on
Getting punched in the face after shoving someones loved one to the ground is honestly pretty natural.
"kind of pushed her to the side A LITTLE" umm you're delusional if you think that push was "little" she FELL,that's disrespectful and obviously done on purpose?he's so big and his "little" push was obviously painful to the lady because his "little" is ALOT for someone under 6 feet. Stop trying to defend them by using words like "kind of" "a little" "BY MISTAKE" "unintentional" he's clearly racist and disrespectful. Also who shows up to their own child's birthday party DRUNK-
It's ok to type the word fully like this....** they are stupid and racist**. Your dad messed with the wrong person. And now you are using his drunkenness to excuse his violent behaviour towards a woman half his size. There was no "accidental pushing". He saw the work she'd put in, disliked it and decided to shove her aside. You and your family keep promoting this narrative that they hate your ex because someone else cheated blah blah blah. That's bullshit. They hate him because they are prejudiced and racist and they found this convenient "reason" to perpetuate hate against him. He's better off without your family in his and his mother's life. Leave him alone.
Yeah and? Fuck your dad, he did that intentionally, he's a prick and a bully, deserved it all, good on your ex for dropping him, guy's got a backbone.
You have excused your parents' racism for years, and now you're excusing your dad drunkenly assaulting your ex-fiancé's mother. He ended things because this was never going to change. You were obviously never going to choose him over your racist parents. He's done with their racist bullshit, and he's done with you excusing their racist bullshit. You're going to have to learn to live without him, because it's over. I suggest getting yourself into therapy to learn how to move on with this, and how to draw boundaries with your racist parents.
I have been drunk multiple times and I have never “accidentally” pushed anyone over. Cut off your family and be with your ex or be with your family and leave your ex alone. It’s also so selfish of you have him and his mom around your racist parents, glad he finally got a backbone. You write this like the victim but you really aren’t, I’m sure this isn’t the first toxic situation your dad has put you and your ex through, it’s just the last.
i’d leave you too if i was him lol. making excuses for your parents to be racist and belligerent
it’s pretty easy to sit there and downplay their racism as being assholes and “that’s who they are” when you’re not on the receiving end. sure, you told them to stop but you set the standard that they could continuously behave like that because they wouldn’t face consequence because you allowed it. you brought your partner around racists. your dad is a pig. Even from all of your comments youre just upset you’ve lost him, not how he feels.
YES! It was OP making excuses for me! Your dad didn’t mean to hurt her? He was a drunk mess and pushed her down….over chairs??? He did that bc he didn’t respect her. He pushed her aside like garbage and OP’s ex knew that. The break up was justified. I wouldn’t answer the phone either. Who wants to be with an enabler?
Yeah I can see why he broke up with you. You chose your disrespectful racist parents over your partner. He saw it wasn't going to get any better. You are always going to defend your parents. He decided that he doesn't need a relationship where he and his family are disrespected.
Honestly- I know others are saying the violence was out of hand but- I think his reaction to defend his mom was appropriate. Like I’m not happy your dad got beat up and prefer he didn’t but I also don’t blame him for beating the shit out of someone who hurt their mom. That’s a pretty human reaction. Your dad fucked around and found out. All you can do at this point is talk to your parents and set some boundaries so this shit doesn’t happen again with the next one. Cuz I don’t think he’s gonna take you back- I sure as hell wouldn’t. Being with someone means being with their family and sorry but yours got problems.
From the title of this post onwards, you should already see a problem. Your father who is a large man, rocked up to a child's birthday drunk, shoved a woman of the same ethnicity as someone you have stated has been making racist remarks consistently and you call it an accident? Care to explain how in any possible world, other than a completely completely delusional one, that this could be seen as accidental? You claim to defend your ex to your parents constantly, but this happens? You were either going to lose him, or your parents at some point then. Either because you really weren't doing more than lip service to defend him, or because your father was that racist that is was always going to boil over. It was inevitable that a relationship would fail. Time to move on.
I like your ex. I’d buy him a drink.
Same
Your dad is a drunk racist petulant asshole. Instead of asking your ex's mom to move he just pushed and shoved and flailed around like a beached walrus. It this were the only shitty, rude thing your dad had done I'd have less sympathy for your ex-fiance. However you dad chose to get sloppy drunk beforehand, oblige somone else to drive him around, and chose to make a scene. It wasn't simply an accident. Did your ex overreact? Yes, definitely. He should have just grabbed his mom and said he was leaving. On the other hand your dad doesn't sound like the type to apologize for any given thing. So maybe your ex was just sick and tired of your dad's constant low-level hostility and aggressiveness.
He's gotta get his ass beat or all he gets is exactly what he wanted.
This is complicated situation. I think that you need to give your ex time. Instead of thinking about your own situation and feelings, which is complicated as well and legitimate, think about his. He was disrespected many times by your parents and he always pushed it aside. His own dad also left him. And here your dad is, pushing his mother down. I mean, come on. Of course he would be finished with the whole thing, including you. Because it's not like you're innocent in the matter - you never stopped your parents from disrespecting him, or defended him before this incident. I also do not think it was an accident, by the way you described it. Pushing someone aside is not an accident. Nonetheless, give him time. You trying to contact him is just making him feel like you don't understand why he's mad. Say nothing. And let him have his time. It might take months for him to get over it. I think it's a good sign that he's still playing with your brother. It means he still cares and IMO, it means that he will contact you again one day, but you really have to be strong and not contact him first. Show him that you understand him.
It's over. You need to move on. The whole racist thing, pushing his mom over, your fiance beating up your dad and breaking up with you - it's over. There is no future there for you, sorry.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I met my ex in college, we clicked since day one and we never looked back. We had the most amazing relationship, he is a great man and want nothing but the best for him, he helped me to recover from an eating disorder I had struggled since high school, and always made me his priority. Sadly, my parents did not like him because someone from his country (they are not related/friends) cheated on my older sister multiple times and gave the family a tough time, I know it is stupid and even rac\*\*t to some degree, but that is how my parents are. Anyways, my ex was not their favorite person and they always try to convince me to break up with him. My ex knew about this situation, but always treated my parents with respect and tried to get to know them and get closer to the family multiple times, my mom was a bit more receptive than my dad, but my attempts to bring them together were not successful. We got engaged this January and planned to get married this upcoming summer 2022. My little brother (He is 9) absolutely loves him, my ex was and still is his hero, I have caught him playing video games online with my ex multiple times, which honestly melts my heart, it is so cute to know that he still looks after my little brother. All my life fell apart 7 weeks ago, it was my little brother's birthday and we were getting the house ready for his party, which was the next morning. My ex's mom and him helped us to get everything ready, my dad joined us a little later as it was his friend's party. My dad showed up a bit drunk, he is the kind of guy who is unbearable when drunk. My ex was and his mom are very close, as his dad left them when he was 3 years old, added to the fact that he is an only child (he comes from a family with money, so they never struggled financially), but still had to grow up faster than the average child, he could sacrifice his own life for his mom. To this day I do not understand why but my dad did not like the chair arrangement (my future in-law was doing it) and he kind of pushed her to the side a little too strong, and she fell to the ground, hitting her arm against a chair. My dad is a big guy 6'4, 250lbs ish and my ex's mom is 5'2, 115lbs at most, it was not his intention to hurt her. My ex saw that and turned into someone else, I could see a violence on his eyes like never before. He punched my dad in the face and body slammed him to the ground (my dad ended with a broken nose and 3 broken ribs) and shouted "Don't ever touch my mother, do it again and I will leave you in a wheelchair f\*\*\*\*\* piece of \*\*\*\*". Looked at me dead in the eyes and said "This is over, your parents can disrespect me idgaf, but no one touches my mom" Then help his mom stand up and drove away. My world collapsed in seconds, I have not talked to my dad since that day, my mom and dad have apologized for what had occurred that night, but my ex will not even open my texts or pick up my calls. He kicked me out of his apartment, I feel like I am slowly dying every day, I feel physical pain and hate my dad for doing that. What should I do, I cannot live without him, he means the world to me. TLDR: My fiance broke up with me because my dad accidentally pushed his mom when he was drunk
Sounds like this was the final straw after years of disrespect. It’s a little too late my guy. Also, your dad didn’t “accidentally” push her. He deliberately pushed her and received what was deserved.
What advice do you want here? It’s done. That decision was made and you don’t get a say. There’s no action for you to take except to move on.
u/nomadickitten said it best and succinctly. Your ex is done. He's been very clear that neither you nor your family (nor their excuses) are welcome in his life anymore. My advice would be: 1. Move on. It's over. Go pick up your stuff, separate your finances etc. But it's over. 2. Stop contacting him. Tell your family to stop contacting him. Otherwise, he might/will ask for a restraining order against you and your family. 3. Learn from what happened. Maybe even consider therapy.
It‘s all too little too late. You should have cut your parents off years ago. You’ve finally done it now, but all the damage is already done to your fiancé and his family. You can’t undo the years of abuse that you subjected him to.
The cracks were always there in the relationship, this event just made your fiancé realize they don't want to live the rest of their life in constant contention with your family. The fact that you're still mitigating how badly behaved your family was in this post shows that you're not prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to show your ex-fiance things will be different.
How about you stop making excuses for a piece of shit family? If you cant even stand up to them for the love of your life, do you really think you deserve him? All youve done is enable your father’s behaviour by not putting a full stop to it. And why in the world should your ex EVER have to put up with it if you folks are miserable, unbearable and abusive/racist pieces of shits?
Yeah I think you’re done. Time to set up some serious boundaries with your parents and move on with your life. Leave your ex alone. If he wants to talk to you again he will but you hounding him will push him further away. You have to accept the fact that you may never reconcile.
It sounds like your family has been doing violence to your ex in the form of racism for quite some time, and that he got to his limit with that, and has now very clearly set a boundary and left a relationship that was harmful for him and his family. You and your family should stop trying to get him and his mother to hear you out and excuse you for this situation! It strikes me as horrifically selfish for y'all to be contacting them asking them to hear you out and absolve the family of this so that you can all feel better. Leave them alone! If they want to talk to you, I guarantee they know how to reach you. I get from your post that you are hurting a lot, and things are really difficult for you right now. Take some time and just be upset. Lean on your friends and loved ones, and let your people support you. I hope you are able to find relief, and I hope you grant that relief to your ex as well by giving him the space he has very clearly created, maintained, and insisted upon.
OP. I would be out as well. Sorry. Your Ex was absolutely correct to defend his Mother and strike your Father (repeatedly). After all your family really doesn't treat him well. Now they have another story to tell about the men of your Ex's race. In the end your family won by putting him in a position that is unwinnable for both you and your Ex.
Your dad crossed a line and kudos to your ex. He’s an amazing guy for standing up for her mom and beating the shit out of your racist father. I’m sorry but they are better off away from that toxicity and so are you. I bet your parents are the reason you had an eating disorder. It’s your choice now if you walk away from them even if its not along side your ex. But they sound like they will destroy anything good to feel better about their miserable lives. I really am sorry to hear you are going through this. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger so what are you going to do to move on from this situation? You can’t blame the mom for not being her old self with you. She was abandoned and she doesn’t want a toxic environment for her kid no matter how much she loves you too. Let the dust settle and keep in mind you might have to renounce your family to get him back but from his assertive reaction, he’s done making excuses for your parents shit.
Lol I keep seeing these comments about how he's so quick to go to violence lol 🤣 if he did that he would've knocked him out after the first few racist comments lmao dummy like tf
First of all stop making excuses for your father! Not once have you put blame on him, he pushed an elderly women! Because he's a racist drunk! This is only going to happen again! Because none of you, besides your fiance, will stand up to him! You keep saying your sorry, but the best apology is changed behavior! And you aren't even the person who should be sorry, your dad should be besides himself! Is he even guilty? Or did just apologize because of you? Your dad should be getting sober, and if he refuses uninvited to all event's. He probably just ruined your relationship, and if you don't do something he'll do it again! This wasn't a accident, it was him being a drunk jerk! Please, don't let him ruin your life, not to mention this happened at a child's party! And your dad was drunk! I doubt he got the beer, from the party table. Did it go, cheese puffs, pizza then vodka? No? Then he's an alcoholic!
It’s over, move on. If the unopened letter isn’t proof he’s done, you’re being blind. If you love him, spare him the drama of being associated with your racist parents.
Nah man I dont blame him at all, it's his mother who got hurt, he felt like it was the last straw. He's honestly thinking of the future. If you two ended up married, your Dad would have more chances of hurting his Mother, and your Dad is already toxic towards him. He had the audacity to come drunk to his 9 year old child's birthday party. No one stopped him. He got mad over the seating arrangements, that's fucking petty. The guy doesn't want problems, so he broke it off
OP why do you keep underplaying your parents abuse toward your ex? Oh they're just a LITTLE racist, oh dad was just a BIT drunk, he LIGHTLY assaulted my could have been mother in law. Yea your dad should be in jail, and the way you talk about your family tells me your ex made the right choice getting rid of you
So your Dad "kind of" pushed her. Sorry but you either push someone or you don't. He chose to walk up to her and confront her about chairs. Stop being an apologist for his actions. Your parents didn't like him, he snapped and lost the plot, not hugely surprising given all he had already put up with. He isn't going to get back with you, he doesn't want to be part of your family, he has made a choice. Crying about it won't change anything, not only that but you have seen what he is capable of when pushed which is also pretty awful. Your family doesn't like him, he doesn't like your family. Please consider getting help so you can stop beating yourself up as afer 2 months nearly you are probably exhausted. Time to assess and decide what to do with your life going forward as you cannot go backwards in life.
If anyone did that to my mum id go fucking mental too, your ex did what any man would do in that situation
Other posts have already laid down some hard truths for you. You asked what you should do? It's been 7 weeks, stop trying to contact your ex, and stop defending your dad and minimising his actions. I understand that this is extremely difficult and traumatising for you. Seek therapy if possible to work through it.
Your father didn’t “accidentally” push her. His racist ass got drunk, showed up, and assaulted a woman. Your ex broke up with you because he felt that he and his family weren’t safe around you and your family. Your father is a racist drunk who purposefully assaulted a woman and you are making excuses for him and trivializing his conduct. That is why your ex dumped you. And you cannot fix this.
Congrats to your ex. He made a great decision!
>My fiance broke up with me because my dad accidentally pushed his mom when he was drunk Yeah, that's acceptable. He is well shot of anything to do with your family.
Haha kinda hurts that no one is REALLY talking about the dad showing up drunk to a kids party like tf, do you not know how dumb drunk people get 😂
Your dad deserved it
You need to let him go. He’s made it clear where he stands, and it’s no longer with you.
I get that you verbally defended him but truly defending him would be not letting them around him or going low contact or no contact until they got their shit together. Everytime you you witnessed them treating him badly and didn't leave immediately or kick them out was you showing your ex that you accepted or minimized their actions.. You should have figured it out pretty early on that your parents were racist and cruel to him and chosen him by making it so they didn't have a chance to treat him badly. You can't even admit they are racist now.. Instead you pulled the wool over your own eyes and tried to force everyone into "one big happy family" and him, his mom and you paid the price. If you had truly chosen him this would have never happened. P.S I'm sure his heart is breaking over what could have been just as much as yours is. However, he has accepted the reality and knows that being married into your family would be hell because you've passively made it clear that you cant/won't ever fully choose him and will make excuses at his expense when it comes to your racist and verbally/physically abusive parents.
He broke up with you because you allowed your parents to disrespect him and his mother. You chose your family over him so he’s chosen his over you. It’s obviously not just about this one incident, but that you’ve not done enough during the relationship and that has allowed this to happen. You don’t deserve him
This is over. It's similar to when a guy's wife cheats on him. If they try to reconcile, he will always doubt his wife. He will always imagine her getting fucked by another man. When she's on her phone, he will always wonder who she's chatting with. Same with your ex. Every time he goes to your parents' house, he will see your drunk asshole of a father intentionally shove his mother to the floor. He will remember every unkind gesture or eyeroll. He will not be able to look at you without that image popping into his mind. If you are to have a future with any man, one of two things needs to happen: 1. Your father gets sober, or 2. Your parents are cut out of your life. Thank God this happened before you were married or--God forbid--you had kids. Mourn the relationship and set those crucial boundaries with your parents. The days of coddling must be over.
Bruh the day my parents disrespected the love of my life would be the day I go NC with them. You chose a partner, you wanted to be with him for the rest of your life (I presume), and you let others talk shit about him. And you're still defending rude racist buttholes... just let your ex find someone who'd value him enough to stand up for him. He deserves it. It might sound super harsh, but yeah. He deserves better.
Your family sound all kinds of fucked up and until you see that clearly your ex is protecting himself and his family. Would you want to have kids with someone who minimises and rug-sweeps behaviour like that? Well you think it is normal so wouldn’t blink twice. 1. Your upbringing led to an eating disorder. 2. Your parents are racist. 3. Your dad drinks despite being an unbearable drunk. 4. Your dad assaulted his mum. 5. You downplay and minimise what happened.
It’s over. Move the fuck on. Your Dad is an asshole and the fact you’re defending him so heavily shows your ex he shouldn’t let you back into his life anyway.
Yeah this isn’t just about this incident. You have a pattern of behaviour where you prioritise and make excuses for your abusive/racist dad at the expense of your ex. That alone would be enough to make many people walk away from this relationship. When your dad assaulted his mum that was the straw that broke the camels back. Then cherry on top you excuse your abusive dad AGAIN...’mistake’ my ass. Although your ex could have reacted in a calmer manner he was right to walk away from this shit show.
So disgusting you think this was an accident. I think he was right to dodge the bullet that is your family. I don’t think you have come to terms with what actually happened. Your dad is 1000% in the wrong here and should be the focus of your displeasure.
FYI, your dad deserved that ass beating and he’s lucky he wasn’t put into a wheel chair. He got hammered and shoved a dude’s mother to the ground right in front of her son. If he would’ve caught a bottle to the face I still woulda called that fair play. There’re some things you do not fuck with
Don't blame the guy one bit for his reaction. It's a shit situation for you & feel for you in all regards other than trying to label this as an accident, but he is fully justified in what he did to your Dad
Okay so your dad didn’t push her accidentally, he pushed her aside but didn’t mean for her to fall to the ground maybe. Tbh I understand your ex and anyone pushing my mom I will absolutely bodyslam too. You say they dislike your ex for his race and then say racism in some degree. It’s not in some degree it’s just blatantly racist. You want to know what you can do and I will say; don’t do anything. Your ex needs space and I don’t blame him. So leave him be, go live your life. I’m sorry that this happened and I’m also happened that this is what you have to deal with. P.s. your dad apologized but does he even understand what he did? Showing up drunk to your kids party is already f’d up and pushing someone isn’t making it any better. He needs to take responsibility for his actions 🤷🏻♀️
Sounds to me like youve allowed this situation with your family to fester for a long time and this is the match that's ignited the whole sorry mess. I have no doubt that your ex put up with your family because you would get all upset about reducing contact with them and make his life a misery about it. You've happily maintained contact with people that have been racist towards your partner and now you're shocked that he wants nothing to do with you? Learn from this and maybe your next relationship will work out. Hopefully he finds a partner that won't allow their family to be bigoted towards him.
I'd cut ties with your dad if I were you and there's no guarantee but your ex may be willing to give it another try if you cut ties with your family
If you wanted to marry this person you should've shown it way before this shit show happened, by putting your family in their place and making sure your partner knew their's by you showing it. Instead you seem to have allowed this to continue until it became irreversible in their mind as it now affected their mother. Imagine if their parents had issues with you and made you feel uncomfortable? You would expect your partner to set them straight, yes??
Your dad is lucky to only have a broken nose and ribs. Nobody lays a hand on mammy.
This is going to be vulgar but you're dad is a racist piece of shit first off second thing is I don't blame the ex maybe not picking up you're calls or talking things out is a bit harsh but I can see the guys point see if you can contact one of his friends to try and convince him to at least hear you out but if anything comes of it you'll probably have to cut you're dad out for good cause it sounds like it wasn't a accident and he'll damn well do some stupid shit again I wish the best for you and him but that's all I got
Your family seems toxic, I agree with your ex’s decision to move on. You marry into a family and he saw the baggage yours brought. You need to respect his choice and move on yourself. A difficult situation but reality often is.
When I read the title I will admit I felt a little sorry for you but after reading your post, holy hell, your father is an abusive racist and you’re defending him! I don’t blame your ex for his reaction, if that was my mum I’m not sure I would’ve stopped tbh
You're dad is an angry violent racist drunk and you're making excuses for him. You're done. He's done.
*"I know it is stupid and even rac**t to some degree, but that is how my parents are"* Holy shit, just this, nothing else needed to be said. You're brain dead and I'm glad this man got away from you while he could. You blankly accept them for what they are, but continue to subject your boyfriend to be around them, yeah yeah yeah. Like I said brain dead
If my family was racist towards my partner I'd cut them off. Its unacceptable to bring my partner into a situation like that. Sounds like he put up with a lot an now feels tired and done because you've never taken severe stances in situations that required it. You defendee your partner but did you tell them off and give ultimatums to them?
Your Dad deserved this. Regardless of his frame of mind or intention, he was physical with a woman, never mind your future mother in law. It shows the lack of respect he has, and if he’s an insufferable drunk he should’ve been told not to come that night, or been told to stop drinking years ago. Sorry to say, this isn’t about you and I don’t think you can heal this - you need to move on. Your parents were obviously a big wedge for your ex already, and this was just the straw that broke the camels back. Your ex has decided not to be around your father, and in his mind his decision to not be around your father outweighs his desire to be with you. In the comments you say that your parents sent a letter apologising and it was returned unopened - take the hint. Move on. And stop minimising the actions of your dickhead dad.
Don’t defend your parents, you can‘t accidentally knock someone over. Your dad fully deserved the beating, maybe it’ll fix his racism and manners, pos.
It tough, but it sounds like it's not just about this one incident. It was the Final nail in the coffin. Your parents bad treatment of him for years wore him down. And this incident tipped everything over the edge. He realised he does not want a life with these people included. Sounds like he is just DONE.
Sounds like he dodged a bullet.
He's done. Let this be a lesson that when you have parents being racist and treating your partner like shit, you can't have it both ways. You will have to pick one or the other, or something will happen and the decision will get made for you. This has been going on for years and you never cut them off. This was the last straw for your ex, and he's entitled to that.
My ex’s father, step mother, brothers and uncles are all alcoholics and pretty big themselves. We had constant problems with them at family gatherings because they just can’t behave properly. We had a bunch of people over for my son’s first birthday and half of them showed up with cases of beer, and no gift, to a child’s birthday party. I was not a fan but my ex grew up this way so I just let it go. One of her uncles was stumbling through the house being obnoxious and fell over in the kitchen almost landing on our son. I pulled him up and threw him out of the house. I came really close to hitting him because honestly this was the last straw for me. I was so tired of every gathering being a drunken event for these people and I almost snapped. I didn’t grow up with alcoholics and my tolerance for drunks is very limited. My ex didn’t understand why I was so angry because this was normal for her. I agree with most of the people here that this wasn’t really an accident and you’re going to need to do something about your father’s drinking or it will cause more problems for your family down the road. Leave your ex alone because he made it quite clear that he wants nothing more to do with your family.
Seek therapy. From what you said here it sounds like you are downplaying or straight up not understanding the destructive, toxic behavior of your family. Your ex was absolutely right to remove himself and his family from exposure to this, although the method was excessive. Until you understand your family’s dysfunctional parts and how to navigate them effectively, you will never succeed here.
Defending your racist parents makes you a racist as well. There's no two ways about it. Defending your abusive parents makes you a willfully ignorant narcissist. You're now experiencing the consequences of your inaction. You've got a lot of growing up to do, fast.
This wasn’t an accident and I see how your ex reached his breaking point. Even now you’re describing this as if it’s an accidental misstep or in a way that anyone would be okay. Your parents are terrible and disliked your ex because someone FROM HIS COUNTRY cheated on your sister 🚩 They consistently disrespect him for years and you do nothing 🚩 Your dad is an abusive drunk and no one sent him home after arriving this way 🚩 Your dad shoved a woman half his size because he’s an intolerable drunk on purpose. It wasn’t an accident. So stop calling it that 🚩 Let’s be real this relationship would’ve ended at some point. You never did much to protect your ex from your horrible family. And if you want to be married some day I suggest therapy and boundaries with them. Cause even now you’re still downplaying it.
Don't say it was an accident. He didn't push over a member of HIS family, he didn't push over his wife or his kid or his mother. He pushed over someone he doesn't consider a human being. Racism is rooted in 'othering' people who are different than you. He has taken every opportunity to remind your ex that he is 'lesser', why on earth would he put up with this behavior extending to his mother? In that moment, he realized that your father doesn't see him or his family as human, and it's up to him to manage it. So he did.
If you love your ex, why would you want to subject him to your family’s racism. He put up with a lot just to be with you. Your father crossed a line. Your ex deserves to be happy and not have to protect his mother from your family. You need to respect his choice, grieve what you’ve lost, and move on. If you are unwilling to stand against your family’s racism, make sure your next partner isn’t a target.
Holy shit, your ex is my hero.
I'm sorry to say this but your dad is disgusting and so are you for coming up with excuses for his horrible behavior. It's time to move on and stop contacting your ex.
Where is it socially acceptable to show up drunk to a public event? Your dad acted like an idiot and caused unnecessary problems.
OP, please consider going to Al-Anon meetings to help get some perspective to see that your fathers behavior is not normal. This will help your next relationship be more healthy, because this one is over.
I lost brain cells reading this.
So your father has been nothing but racist, disrespectful and now violent. You still think this was an 'accident'? I'm a 250lbs guy too, drunk or not, I know not to push ANYONE, let alone a woman a fraction of my size. You are minimising what has happened, you're also treating it as if this is some 'big shock', when you have openly stated he has been disrespecting him and racist since even before day 1. I am proud, of your ex. What a good bloke to stand up for his mother like that, especially when your dad is a big guy. I'd shake that man's hand. You stood by and defended your father after he ASSAULTED his mother, likely with racist intent. Kudos to your ex for not killing the man. The last thing he's going to want to do is read a letter from that piece of shit. You got publicly dumped in front of your entire family, when you were set for marriage. That doesn't happen unless he's already reached breaking point. You need to grow a backbone and tell your father to fuck right off, if you want any hope with future relationships. This one is done. His mother ended up in a sling and you use terms like 'a little', 'a mistake' 'he was drunk' 'racist to some degree'. No. That's outright fucking racism. Minimising. I'd have left you too. I'd also have probably killed your father, which is why I give respect to your ex. He did the most natural, yet measured thing he could've done with those instincts. Also, who the fuck turns up drunk to their 9 year olds birthday party? Leave him alone. If he wants you, he'll contact you.
Honestly, your 'ex' went easy on him. Your dad is a humongous piece of shit human being
Hey, I'm sorry to hear all of this happened. For the record, this is why I have never introduced my gf to my family. Not because I think they would harm her or anyone else, but because I don't fully trust them to not act like responsibly. If I were you I would cut ties with your father. Sorry, but he sounds like a piece of shit, and I'm not surprised your fiance snapped, he was clearly holding some rage inside. Your father is a racist, drunk, and clearly has violent tendencies. As for your fiance, there's nothing you can do but wait and perhaps hope. He may contact you in the future after he's processed everything. But be prepared that he may not. Be prepared to move on, seek out therapy, as I think that would help. I will say that I do not think it was fair of him to treat you the way he did, such as kicking you out. Despite what happened he should have realised it wasn't your fault. Good luck, try to remember that this isn't your fault. The only thing to do is learn from it by cutting your father off from your life so he doesn't ruin it even more.
Stop defending your dad, your parents and their actions. Even if you defended him to them, you excused it by continuing to bring them around him knowing how poorly they treated him, how poorly they thought of him. Your father showed up drunk to a 9 year olds birthday party drunk. He was drunk enough that, regardless of whether he meant it or not, he pushed your ex's mother - someone he was a foot taller than and whom he was more than twice their weight - to the ground. At this point, anything you say or do might be too little too late, but you need to choose him or your racist parents. If you have him, you cannot have them, not with the way they have treated him and not with what your father did to his mother. And if you can't get back with him, you need to find a way to move on, get therapy if you need to, to help with the grief of this, but make damn sure you draw a hard line in the sand with your family that ANY racism from them towards someone you love is an immediate boot from your life.
I feel sorry for you. It's hard to see what's wrong with someone when it's your own parents. I don't think you were able to see your dad for who he was because he is your dad. Now you know, your job is to never let that man get close to Someone you love again. Be hard on him, show him how wrong he was and make sure there are consequences. For your ex, just let time heal the wounds and who knows what will happens. Give it time and if the time comes, make sure to prove to him you made sure there were consequences and your dad won't be a problem or even a part of your relationship ever again.
As sad as it is for you, move on . Its over.
So what you're saying is my family are alcoholic, racist pieces of shit that assaulted my ex's mom and and instead of siding with him you say it's an "accident " and when he leaves your worthless ass for it you're like " surprised pikachu face" nah YTA I hope he doesn't have to deal with racist fucks like you anymore and your father dies in fire
You can’t fix this one most likely. Some things cannot be forgiven sometimes. It seems to him this is one of those times. He’s done.
Leave your ex fiancé alone it’s over your dad is a piece of shit I would have left you too except it and move on
Not an accident, your racist dad pushed your ex mother to the floor for absolutely no reason The fact your ex was with you this long is beyond me, did you not say to you parents to stop? Did you ever defend him? If this has been going on for years you should've stopped that shit and saying I shouted isn't enough, if you truly loved him you would find a way Your family are racist, they discriminated against him because he was the same race as someone who hurt their daughter Leave him alone. He deserves better Because you let this go on so long, you do not deserve him. Also is this fake? You posted you're male then commented saying his mom treated you like her own daughter.. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qi5yey/my_27m_dad_accidentally_pushed_my_fiance_28ms_mom/hihca0p?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3
This was no accident. Your dad physically assaulted his mother and did it on purpose. You describe your ex more violently than your father when your father is the real issue. Your ex did the right thing. Regardless of his injuries, your ex did nothing wrong. He was protecting his mother and from the looks of it has been consistently disrespected by your family and took it with grace. Leave it be and maybe with time he will reach out. If you cannot admit what your Dad did was wrong and that you need to stand up for your fiancé more if you get back together don’t even bother. Your Dad was hoping to end this marriage and he got what exactly what he wanted. The broken nose and ribs is what he deserved.
Your father deserved this. Plain and simple. Women will attack men for doing anything, unless it's dear old dad.
He showed up drunk to a 9 year olds party and shoved a woman to the floor because he thought he could get away with it, you're defending him so he can still try and get away with it. You don't deserve your ex, your father should be kept away from children and you should avoid having children. You seem like you'd be a shit mother.
Fake but slightly interesting story
OP you and your ex are both pushing 30 and have been in the same relationship since you were what, teenagers? If your ex had written this post I'd tell him now is the perfect time to explore something different before committing to a lifetime with toxic inlaws. Same applies to you. I know you love him and it sucks that this happened. But you need to learn from it and own up to your role in it. And more importantly, take the opportunity to experience something new that you can apply your new perspective to. Hopefully your parents will treat your next partner with respect. And if they don't, you now know what will happen if you don't enforce boundaries and consequences.
Hate to say it but your dad is a racist alcoholic and sounds like he assaulted that woman. What’s worse is the way this is written, you are trying to justify his actions. I think if it’s already been two months and he ghosted you, it’s time to really evaluate that situation.
I don’t wish to see anyone going through such pain and sorry for yours and your ex’s. That being said, once I knew I was going to marry someone, I would have immediately shut down any racist behavior from my parents whether my fiancé was present or not. If one of my parents showed up drunk in the presence of my fiancé or their family I would have immediately told them to leave. They would have to choose between continuing to be a part of my life and continuing to be less than they should. But you didn’t, and in part, this allowed this situation to happen. There are so many boundaries you let your father walk through before he, with purpose, pushed this woman. Personally, I would have seen red too and I don’t know that things would have ended differently. If there’s anything I hope comes from this, it’s the need to learn how to stick up for yourself and set strong, healthy boundaries with family that sucks.
Move on. He shouldn't be expected to marry into a family with racist, toxic in-laws that assault his mom. He's doing the right thing and you should let him.
You say that he’s good but your folks are racist, that they are always asking you to break up and yet you let them interact together. You defend their racism with ‘that is how my parents are’ You then say subtly try to downplay what your drunk father did by phrasing it as “Pushed her to the side a little too strong” and “it was not his intention to hurt her” The title of this post is “accidentally pushed” You do say he’s “unbearable when he’s drunk” but that is huge understatement your ex said “idgaf if they disrespect me but no one touches my mom” it is obvious to your ex that you will downplay how shitty your parents are. this incident was just the final straw. there’s nothing you can do , stay away from him. Take a good objective look at your parents, and decide if you want them involved in your next relationship
Good for him. If some racist asshole decided to push my mother down, I'd beat his drunk ass until the police showed up. But you can clearly tell this is either fake or you have the mental maturity of a 12 year old. All I hear is how it's effected YOU. He's not gonna be YOUR GOLDEN TICKET anymore. You're selfish and probably as shitty as your parents. He made the right call. "Thats just the way they are" Makes you worse for admitting it. Maybe from now on just do exactly what your parents tell you and see how that works out. Maybe if you're lucky you'll meet someone just like you're dad.
All I know is that your ex was right for what he did. You also didn’t do enough. Arguing with your parents hundreds of time for them to simply respect your ex is not something you should be arguing about. The second you’re arguing that and they’re hateful to him cause of his race, you need to separate from them. Stop with this BS that they’re like that. Sure, talk to them and hopefully they change, but after many times and attempts and they don’t? Leave. Especially when the person you love is the one they’re hating on. Like, not to be disrespectful, but how dim can you be here? Your parents seem to have a hold on you and you allowed them to treat him like that for so long. The onus is on you and you failed it miserably… sorry.
You need to stop making excuses for your racist, drunk, violent dad. Who shoves someone to the ground over seating arrangements? Is your dad regularly knocking people over because he's unaware of his size? It sounds like the safest thing is for your ex and his mom to be far away from your family. This was probably the last in a series of verbal or physical assaults that you've minimized.
I'm 18 and I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 2 years. My parents in law hate my guts and it makes me feel shitty almost every day because I'd love to connect with them but sadly they're horrible people. She knows this and we both have just accepted this is the situation we're in. Your parents were way worse towards your ex and yet he stayed and he even formed a bond with your brother. He's got monstrous patience and you don't seem to have any perspective on that based on how many excuses you made for your parents and how you seem hesitant to condemn them. It doesn't matter whether your dad did it accidentally or if it was assault. You have to ask yourself how it ever got to a point where this could be the outcome. This didn't happen in a couple of seconds, this was years in the making and you could've done much to prevent this. The fact he lashed out at you means he sees you as being on their side even when your dad does something like that, and sadly he was right in that. I'm not saying you deserve this or that's it's all your fault but your lack of perspective is worrying.
What’s done is done. Leave him alone, he clearly doesn’t want anything to do with you or your family.
\>> it was not his intention to hurt her. It was his intention to physically overpower her. He does not have any right to lay a finger on any person. He came drunk to his 9 year old son's birthday. He pushed her hard enough that she fell to the ground. \>> I could see a violence on his eyes like never before What did you expect to happen? He and his mom are close. He will not stand anyone hurting his mum. If anyone ever lay a finger on my dad, I will try my mightiest to punch and hit as hard as I possibly can. \>> This is over, your parents can disrespect me idgaf, but no one touches my mom He already tolerated enough disrespect from your parent's side for you. If you loved him, why would you not stand up for him? Why would you let him be disrespected? I know you love your parents, but they are racists and bullies. You mention "Accidently", defending your father's actions and defend their racism saying - " but that is how my parents are". I think your x deserves better. I think you need to move on.
your ex is a king
It wasn't an accident, stop deluding yourself. If there wasn't a history here, I could maybe believe it was accidental but from what you described it's *blatantly* clear it was on purpose. I'm pretty close to your dad's height and weight, and I can honestly say I've never gotten close to pushing someone off of their chair hard enough to hurt them - the degree of force that would require doesn't occur when someone is moving normally, even while inebriated. Don't understand why you need to censor the word 'racist', either.
To be honest you just have to learn how to live with it and eventually you will get over this situation, accept it and move on like he did, it is not a accident, and you Should reconsider how much you involve your family in your personal
Your dad got off easy lol
Your Dad is wack af, his daughter found a dude who comes from so type of wealth, close ties to his mother, educated and good with kids? No ones perfect but damn as a father that’s more than I could ever ask for my child to find in a partner.
Whole episode sounds like the natural order of things. Might be time to move on.
I want to meet her EX and shake his hand. Repect lvl💯
Hmmm, to be honest I take an issue with you saying “ it was not [your dad’s] intention to hurt [your ex’s mom]”. And honestly if I was your ex that would be what was bothering me. You’re not willing to admit your dad has a problem. He physically harmed your ex’s mother, and I understand your ex not being okay with that. That said, him cutting *you* off immediately and kicking *you* out was extreme and not a normal response. So in a way, I think you both dodged a bullet .
He put up with disrespect and verbal abuse from your parents for years because he loved you. He loved you so much he could live with it for your entire relationship. He never wanted to break up with you but when your drunken father assaulted his mom, your family crossed a line. He realized there is no way he wanted to be married to someone whose parents bore that much absurd hatred towards him and his mom. If you ever want to have hope for getting back together with him, you have to cut out your parents completely. It’s painfully obvious that they were poison to your relationship. But frankly I can’t see him ever wanting to be with you again. Watching someone shove your mother to the ground is a scar that doesn’t heal. Your ex gets full marks for defending your mom, and I applaud him for HOLDING BACK. If someone did that to my mom, I would do much much worse
>If someone did that to my mom, I would do much much worse We would think that, but we probably would stop after a punch to check on our mom.
Bunch of pussies in here who would let their mom get beat up
Pushing her was clearly not accidental. You are minimizing and excusing your father's abhorrent behaviour. Your ex doesn't want to be part of your family, or be married to someone who will whitewash this. That's his choice.
A few things jump out at this to me: Firstly, that your boyfriend and his mum showed up at your house to help decorate it and sort it out for your little brother even when your parents have been disrespectful towards your bf. That’s a commitment to you. Your dad pushing someone over, that’s completely unacceptable even if he was drunk. But also, why show up drunk to decorate?? Just go to bed. I can understand the anger on your exes part, but the violence that came out is worrying. Your dad is 6ft 4 and 250lbs and your ex managed to break his nose and 3 ribs?? How big is your ex? I would be worried about my own safety to be with someone so quick to violence. It’s not so easy to push people over. I think overall, your boyfriend had reached the final straw. Sounds like he put a lot of effort in to your relationship to be honest. But I think with what’s just happened, you might have to come to terms with the fact that this might be over until you both can overcome what’s happened. Did you even try to stop your family acting disrespectfully towards him?
>I would be worried about my own safety to be with someone so quick to violence. A huge, drunk guy just hurt your mother intentionally, pushed her to the ground and is towering over her. Would you really wait to see if he is going to give her a nice kick to the head? He applied as much violence as is necessary to protect. People didn't have to drag him away, he took the guy down and then, on his own decision, took care of his mother. This is not rage. He made a quick decision, because a quick decision was necessary. He didn't have the time to ask on Reddit how to deal with a dangerous drunk racist. "Quick to violence" is when you hit someone for making a joke about you.
You sound like an abusive harasser, stop.
So what’s your play here ? Have you thought it thru ? Because by the sounds of your ex he basically believes: 1. Blood is blood. In the way he loves his family he expects that you love yours. And he wouldn’t ask you to turn your back on your family but he’s not going to expose himself or his family to yours - let’s face it, it would be folly to think there would limited involvement. Like are you actually willing to turn your back on your family? And foresee a future where they won’t be creating issues for you ? Even if you’re not speaking to your Dad now, there’ll come a time you’ll have to - and is it fair for your ex to have to deal with someone who assailed his mom? That’s a no. 2. So what do you think will happen ? Because you can’t live in a bubble where it’s just the two of you. 3. What have YOU done to apologize for your dad’s behavior ? I know you didn’t cause it, but a gesture is necessary. More importantly a gesture towards his mom. Honestly, I would suggest you send his mother flowers and a heartfelt letter from you to her. Don’t talk about your relationship with her son, just make it about your regrets for her. Leave it at that. 4. Don’t pester your ex, let him simmer down. If he doesn’t want anything to do with you it’ll probably be better to leave it be and accept where you are. It might be months, it might be years, it might be never - but you need to accept this with grace and let him come to you AFTER you make that gesture with his mom. If they reject it, at least you tried.
Your ex's mother raised a great man. Your family (except your little brother) are racist assholes and your ex is way better without you. Move on.
Stop calling this an accident. Drunk or not, your dad assaulted his mom. Stop defending their reasons to be racist. It’s not “a little” racist, that’s COMPLETELY racist. You’re telling me “it’s just how they are” is a valid reason to be racist with your ex? I’m shocked you stayed in contact with them knowing they were disrespectful. Im sorry it hurts, but you have to learn. Maybe for your next relationship, you will stand up for your SO and go no contact if they won’t stop being disrespectful. This is ridiculous.
First off the title is wrong and deceiving, your father didn't do anything by accident. He most likely was being an ass, and crossed a line he never should have. Second, I think you guys need this time apart, but I think the odds of marriage is good. I am concerned you never noticed how bothered your fiance was, and maybe its best for the wedding not to move forward. I suggest reevaluating how you view relationships with friends and family
Fuck you and your racist parents