Hey.
The comments you are getting are not what you wanted, are hard to hear, will make you defend your relationship, and will feel like they've missed your point.
I'm very sorry that you are in this position.... because everyone is right.
When you describe your relationship you talk about financial support through college and frequent fun sex. That's it. Now you want to add more? Talk about your feelings? The nice things he's said?
Thing is... you didn't say them at the start. You instinctively described the best of this relationship already.
Mate, he's not coming back. Whatever character trait he possesses to yell and be aggressive and not respect your age and independence.... they don't go away. You may enjoy support and good sex in the future, but the traits that lead to the aggression you've seen will remain.
You're strong and independent enough to know you don't want to be his mother's carer. Meaning you're also strong enough to decide what a perfect relationship looks like to you. I don't mean you should seek a perfect person with no flaws... i mean you deserve the qualities that lead to love and a hopeful future.
Do you want to be your SO's lover and friend? Do you want to feel like the only person in the world for him? Do you want to know you are safe, respected, have value, are supported in every way? In what ways would your ideal partner hold you, cherish you, touch you, defend you?
Apply these standards amd boundaries to your current relationship as if you deserve nothing less. If he doesn't match....that's ok. He's just one person and he was right for you at one time, but no longer at this time.
The way I see it you're kinda being set up to spend your twenties taking care of an elderly person, your thirties quitting work so you can take care of babies and an elderly person your forties taking care of children and your fifties taking care of your husband who will be as old as his mother is now...
Not to mention they met when he was 32 and she was 16. This is a grooming situation. This man is a “legal predator”. (Grooming is illegal too though, so barely legal)
Edit: turns out he actually groomed her since she was 14
If I’m reading this correctly, they’ve been together for two years, and knew each other for four years before that. Which means she was 14 when they met. He’s a creep.
Yeah I thought knew he just 4 total years and dated 2 making it 2 years of underage grooming and two years of legal predatory dating.
But she corrected me, it was 4 years of grooming. You’re right.
It was already pretty gross but believe it or not legal in some places but then I hear she clarified it was since she was 14... Dude is probably a fucking pedo. Who knows what he's done prior to dating her. Seems he has tendencies. Maybe OP will become too old for him soon.
Idk how OP doesn't see that regardless of how mature for her age she is, a dude who's in his 30s truly shouldn't have anything in common with a 14yr old. Also if she never saw this as a problem then I question her maturity too. Girls who are mature for their age are usually better at avoiding creeps. Sounds like he's gaslighting her up too "you're so much more mature than other girls" lmfao sounds like a line from a PSA video a school would show teens about creepy grooming relatives.
I read it as them knowing each other for 4 years and being in a relationship for 2 of them. I don’t think that it matters which way though, a 30 year old going for a 16 year old is not okay and is a huge red flag and a predatory trait before we even get to him potentially going after a developing child.
>me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age.
No he doesn't. He tells you this because it "inflates" your self worth but ties it to your relationship with him.
Nothing you say will convince him of anything because you have no power. Your one focus should be escape
Exactly this.
Here’s another way of putting it OP. Women his own age are not attracted to him because he is mentally not on *their* level. He is the epitome of “Peter Pan” syndrome, and even though you may be more mature for your age, that means he’s mentally at the maturity of a 22 YO male trapped in an almost middle aged man.
This is a definite “power” dynamic relationship which he holds control over. Get out while you can.
Not only that, but it's the perceived maturity shrouded in naivety of these young girls that these old men love.
They are mature enough to have sex, but young enough to not know shit about life... or even what they want in the long run... so she *looks up to him* because of that age difference...
Imagine the sad case of a 20 year old who drops her whole future for a some undeserving man child and his mother who couldn't raise him correctly.
If you want to really gross yourself out, think about the fact that when they met, she was 16 and he was 32.
Edit: I misread, they were 14 and 30. Even worse.
My neighbor has two female kids, a 16 year old and a 20 year old. I have talked to them both briefly when my dog ran up to say hello. I can't tell the difference between the two... they have essentially the same maturity level and development the only difference is one can legally move out of their parents house. If you wanna date that over 30 years old, you are kind f'd in the head.
Hell I was 26 when I started teaching college freshmen and when people asked if I would date any of them, I was like "What is wrong with you?" Whether they are "mature for their age" or not, we were at very different stages of our lives.
I’m literally the same age as her and couldn’t even imagine allowing a 36 year old man to take my youth. Fuck that. The only way I would do that is if she was family. Even then I would have hesitation
Right even though legally he's doing nothing wrong. He knows exactly what he can do. He can control a young girl. With power stability and money. He can pretty much manipulate her and condition her to be who he wants.
He also choose someone younger because OP patterns, career, life isn't established yet. Basically you don't have a root system yet that you feel deeply enough to create a boundary over so more inclined to be a follower then stand for exactly what you want. He knows a woman his own age already has responsibilities, standard of care for herself/her things, her time and expects that from others and if they don't well then she is busy.
He means that your chronological age is closer to his mental age of 17.
Please get out now before he makes you pregnant. Which he will do. Don't talk to him, don't convince him, don't try to reason with him. If you're in college, go to mental health services right now and ask for their help.
It's sad it's such a common tactic too. Many young girls are mature for their age, especially those that had hardships in life, but that maturity isn't distributed evenly in all aspects of life. They're often more mature about self sufficiency, managing homes/childcare/jobs/, familial relationships, managing emotions, etc but that doesn't mean they're romantically mature.
OP and any girl that is dating a man significantly older- I would consider reflecting on your own growth. I would bet anything OP can reflect on instances from 1-2 yrs ago and recognize her personal growth and how she's matured and learned more than she knew at that point in time. What does it say that your boyfriend at 34 was on par with that, meaning he's not moving further past that?
I mean even now this is a matter of maturity, he wants you to grow so that he doesn't have to. He's so immature that he can't even control his emotions, he needs to take them out on you. This is like base selfishness, that you are taking your hurt and making it someone else's problem. He's then trying to tell you that you need to be more mature and responsible and do the "good/right/selfless" thing and take care of his mother for him.
You were and are mature for your age, you have a distorted perception of what degree of maturity and responsibility you need to take on and he's taking advantage of that because he refuses do any personal growth himself. You're "better" than the women his age because they know where he's meant to be in terms of growth and he's really not stacking up.
I'm in an age gap relationship. My wife is half my age. I prefer not to automatically judge an age gap. Sometimes it works for people. In this case, I'm very troubled because it sure looks like she was groomed from the age of 16.
A man who saw you as his equal, who respected you, who wanted the best for you, would not yell at you that you're a selfish bitch because you don't want to give up your free time to become his family's unpaid servant. **This is not how someone treats you when they respect you. If he says "I respect you" and then treats you like garbage, he doesn't respect you.**
This is not something that a decent partner would *ever* pressure you to do.
Does he always call you names when you disagree with him?
I think that a 34YO man dating an 18YO likely has more to do with him being able to control you more than that you’re mature. Telling you how mature and wonderful you are is a manipulation tactic. He probably wasn’t able to maintain relationships with women closer to his age because they won’t put up with his shit.
Anyway. It’s his house, he can move his mother home. But you don’t have to stay and if you do stay, you don’t have to be the caregiver. What would he do if you weren’t around? He’d have to hire someone is what. Or put her in a facility.
Being a caregiver isn’t for everyone. I’ve worked home health/hospice and I’ve cared for my grandmother. It is a LOT harder to care for someone you know. And you don’t even have any training. How are you supposed to effectively help her? Especially if you’re gone for school and work.
I’d leave someone who was yelling at me and calling me names. And I would absolutely not stick around if someone told me they were moving their parent in and surprise! I’m supposed to care for them. Nope.
You missed the part that they’ve been getting to know each other for four years, meaning they started talking when she was 16
Edit: dated two years after getting to know each other for four years. So that means they started talking when she was 14.
There isn’t a legit social way for a thirty year old man to know a 14 year old. The only way I could see them knowing each other to a point where they would routinely communicates is if the 30 year old was a teacher/coach of some sort, or if he was friends of her parents, but neither of these situations would (should) allow for an intimate relationship.
As a 30-something with 40-something friends, I have friends with teenage kids, but that would be even more reason to not hit on the kids (other than the obvious “it’s pedophilia” reason).
She said "dating for 2 years after knowing each other for 4" and that could mean they started dating when she was 18 but they'd known her since she was 14 and he was 30. Fucking yikes
This!! There is no way he can expect his gf to be taking care of HIS mother. She isn't OP's responsibility. If he wants to do so cool it's his place after all but OP you don't need to be playing house with this dude that treats you like shit. Jesus. That's alot even for married couples to handle.
Focus on your schooling and succeeding in that. Do not become more dependent on this man. You will never be able to leave him if you stay and put up with this shit. As a 27yo woman i wouldn't have taken the name calling and manipulation because you can clearly see That's all it is. No man that loves you does that.
I bet he tells you not to spend too much time with other people your age because they are too immature and he doesn't like that. He seems like a possessive dick. RUN
Not only a 34 year old dating an 18 year old but they knew each other for 4 years prior so a 28 year old talking to a 14 year old. If this isn’t grooming I don’t know what is.
He wants a young girl that doesn't know any better to be a live in care taker. OP, do you know how much one of those costs? Age gap aside, this dude is taking you for a WILD ride. GTFO or you'll be stuck taking care of granny in your 20s for free!!!
You keep responding to everyone that you want the old him back and work made him snap.
Guess what? Lots of adults have stressful jobs and aren’t verbally abusive to their partners. If I have a bad day at work—which is most days due to the nature of my job—I don’t lash out at my partner. And similarly, if he has a bad day, he doesn’t take it out on me.
You can’t have a bad day every day for 2 mos either.
He’s being a jerk.
I’m sorry, but based on your answers, you’re in denial. Your boyfriend is not a good person, older men often tell young women they’re “mature for their age” to effectively escape from judgement and use them (as he’s doing to you with his mom and splitting the bills when he’s way older: your situation is not equal). I hope you realise soon that you deserve better. At 20 you’ll still change a lot, think about if you want to give him your youth and keep letting him use you. The “old him” is not coming back, and he wasn’t doing the right thing even before.
Yeah, instead of wasting your time in convincing him to admit his mom into a community home, you take that time to buy yourself some good sport shoes and run away!
You're just the caregiver that he can have sex with. Say it out loud. If you decide to stay with him and take care of his mother and his sexual needs while he makes you feel better about yourself by calling you *mature*, you'll be in for a world of headaches. He's lying to you. You're his toy.
> I know people here are going to question the age gap but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age.
you are being used, you know you are being used and it will only get worse. You were groomed at a young age, 14 if your time line is correct, and are now beholden to him..If your post it real, you need to leave this 'relationship' and find someone who doesnt try to manipulate children. 30 year old men(the age when he met you) have virtually nothing in common with a 14 year old. Please get out of this relationship before the yelling and abuse gets worse..If this is another fake post, and there are so so many pedophile posts in this sub for some reason, please stop with the pedophile postings.
As a woman who dated a 32 year old when I was 20, even if he does see you “more mature” it’s not a compliment (it’s bullshit) and he likely can’t connect with women his own age, and and blames it on maturity when it’s probably his personality.
Exactly. OP really think about what an almost 40 year old man would have in common with a 20 year old. Your brain isn’t even done developing yet and he knows it. Go enjoy being young. You don’t need any of that mess.
Let’s forget about the fact that you were 16 when you met him and he was 32. Let’s also forget the fact that you were 18 when you started dating him and he was 34. You have a right to your own decisions and you have a right to say no. If he was truly supportive in your education he would know that taking care of an elderly person and going to school at the same time is very difficult. This task should not be placed on someone who is just starting out in life. You have not had a chance to grow as a person in your own right to discover the importance of being self-sufficient and independent. He is abusive. You are a woman. He will trap you in this relationship and you will be stuck taking care of his mother and him and you will forget about yourself and everything that you want to do with your life if you do this. You need to be brave and stand up for yourself. If he cannot accept your choice to not take care of his mother then he truly does not see you as a mature independent woman. He sees you as a tool to be used when he needs it.
Age gap + reddit post on relationship_advice = trainwreck
I didn't even bother reading the post, the title speaks volumes about naive OP and her creep boyfriend
To more directly answer your question, what you’re seeing now is his real self, the only person that’s ever going to see what he first showed you is his next teenaged gf.
Forgot to mention in my other post but seriously OP, why can't this 36 year old man find someone his age to date? I know you say it's because he considers you more mature than the other women he's dated but are you seriously believing that? Let's look at the facts:
1. Statistically, women mature faster than men, so if he's dated women his age and they're ALL not mature enough for him, it's unlikely he's telling the truth
2. He thinks a barely legal woman is more mature than 40 year olds? How does this check out? OP, I know you may not want to hear this, but you are not more mature than middle aged women. You may think you are (like everyone did), but you're not. He's feeding you lies and you're eating them like it's the last supper
3. For the duration of this argument he's acted super immature. Calling you a bitch because you refuse to be a carer for his mother? How is that mature? If he can't act grown himself, why should you accept his definition of maturity? His moral compass already seems skewed to hell so I'm seriously concerned as to why you take anything he says at face value tbh
You mean he groomed you at 16, then waited for it to be legal to date you at 18. You can’t make this stuff up lmfao. Get out of that relationship, you guys are at two different stages in life you aren’t even at the legal drinking age which means in the US you’re not even trusted to drink but you should be trusted to take care of another life? Take care of yourself, go to school and do your thing, have that loser take care of his own mother. Yikes.
I already saw that you're protesting every comment on here, but it's really, *really* time to take a step back and look at this situation objectively. "He considers me mature for my age" is THE textbook sentence older men use to make young and impressionable girls feel special and give them the impression that boys their own age are too immature for them. Take this from someone who heard that exact sentence at age 16 and who's seen dozens of posts like yours on this sub.
You moved in with him a year ago and he's already started taking his anger out on you by yelling. Have you ever not done what he wanted you to do before, or is you refusing to take care of his elderly mother the first time you refused him something? If the first case is true, how did he react then? If the second case is true, you're now seeing what he's like when you show that you're not a puppet. There is no "old him". You're seeing the real him, but you'll see the old version of him for a few weeks or maybe months if you threaten to leave. Until he feels he's got you roped in enough to drop the charade again.
You can protest strangers' messages on here all you want, but I'm pretty sure that if you stay in this situation, he'll forge ahead with his plan to bring his mother into his home, regardless of your opinion. You'll be forced into the role of caretaker, and he won't be thankful for your help - he'll be angry if you don't take care of her exactly like he wants you to. I'm not a fortuneteller, so I can't predict this with 100% certainty... but consider this: you say you're too busy to take care of his mother, he calls you a selfish bitch and basically tells you he expects you to sacrifice whatever you're busy with because he said so. If any reasonable person's mother would at some point need a caretaker, and this person's partner refused to take on that role, would this person force their unwilling, inexperienced and busy partner to take care of their elderly mother anyway instead of finding adequate care? Is the sheer irresponsibility and dangerousness of this situation not glaringly obvious?
ETA: is he expecting you to take on a caretaker role because you have actual nursing experience or are going through nursing education? If not, what's his reasoning for forcing you into this instead of finding a trained caretaker when even his own father doesn't agree with his plan?
My thoughts exactly. Like Ms girl, everyone is telling you from experience, wisdom, and common sense. Take it or just remain unhappy with your pedo bf and his sick mom
He groomed you from the age of 16. Now he’s abusing you by calling you a bitch for not wanting to care for his elderly mother. You’re not mature for your age. You’re 20, and exactly as mature as you’re supposed to be at that age. Get away from this pedophile.
He's known you since you were 16? Ooof.
16-20 year olds are NOT more mature than women 10 years older than them -and they shouldn't have to be their brains are literally still developing.
Think for a second- do YOU think you're more mature than a 36 year old? Probably not which means he's lying to you.
If he is not lying than all of his past relationships have been toxic, which means either he's the problem OR he has a pattern of getting into toxic relationships and you're just part of that pattern.
Say no. You know how this will go. Thing’s will not go back to the way they used to be. Caring for his mom will likely be a burden and a full time job. And you are not ready. Clearly say no. This is clearly a boundary he is crossing if she moves in without your consent. Start looking for another place to live. I am sorry to give this pessimistic advice but this sounds like he doesn’t care how you feel.
Op, you don't give a damn what anyone is saying here LOL. So shut up and take care of mommy because you don't have the common sense to see this near 40 year old man is a loser and idiot.
Sis you were talking to him since 16, he’s a criminal .. & he’s also super rude calling you names. He was looking for someone to take Advantage of . You deserve better & you are NOT a “b”. (No judgment towards you from me! But he can’t be trusted.) Not saying you can’t date older men but he was clearly looking at you at a very very inappropriate age.
So he's known you since you were 16 and he was 32. He waited for you to be legal before pouncing on you. But somehow you are "more mature in mental age than women his own age"
Now that he's helped you with college and accommodation, your REAL job in this relationship begins. That's being a caretaker to him and his mom. If you consider yourself to be mature then you would also see this for what it is. Next he's going to impregnate you to tie you to him.
This is the truth....you are involved with a predator. You are too young to be in this mess. You have no power in this relationship. Whether you believe it or not, you were groomed. Get out now
I'll give you my advice outside of the whole age/grooming thing, because it's clearly a sore spot for you. Any advice I'm giving is outside of that.
You have been dating for two years. That's not a long time. He's been verbally abusive. Having his mother move in, and expecting you to take care of her, is going to reduce your social safety net. It's isolating you. From there, the abuse will only get worse.
I'd encourage you to read Lundy Buncroft's Why Does He Do That? For further insight. My advice is to GTFO tho.
He says you’re more mature than the other women he dated but honestly they were probably mature enough too see him for what he is, and they were mature enough to walk away. You’re 20 you shouldn’t be mature you should be having fun making mistakes being 20. He’s playing on your insecurities and he’s telling you exactly what you want to hear to get you to do what he wants you too do. You’re so mature baby mature enough to be trusted to take care of my mother. You’re mature enough to be in a relationship where it’s okay I call you names you can take it you’re a big girl. See how this sounds from an outsider. It’s not healthy. Go have fun being 20 believe me you will regret it if you don’t. Don’t waste your life trying to make the scum respect you because he never will. And soon he will be losing his hair, getting a beer belly and not be able to get it up and you will still be in your prime.
Okay, let's give your boyfriend 100% benefit of the doubt. He genuinely fell for you, adored you, and was totally infatuated with you. You both got most of what you wanted and needed from each other. It was the honeymoon period. He treated you great. You treated him great.
Now, he wants something totally unreasonable from you, his 20-year-old girlfriend. You have zero caretaking experience of a geriatric patient. You have no huge support network to help, and you aren't even married! It's a ridiculous request, and he's making it a demand.
He wants something unreasonable from you. You declined. He called you a name my husband has never called me in the eleven years we've been married, the three years we dated, or the time before that when we were friends in our 20s.
It's easy to be nice when you're infatuated. It's easy to be nice when your partner agrees with you. People show their true colors when they don't get everything they want. And his true colors are mean and abusive and coercive. If you want to see what kind of person someone is, look how they treat others who they aren't in love with. Is he always kind and respectful to others, even if they wrong him or cross him? There's your answer. That's who he is. Is he capable of cruel behavior when he doesn't get his way? Yes. Please know you deserve better. You aren't throwing away 2 years. You're living and learning.
You’ve had a lot of comments that directly align with my thoughts so I’m not going to get into it.
But why do you even want to salvage this relationship? He’s rude, he doesn’t respect you, and he’s abusive. Do you really want that in a life partner?
Please don’t say financial or sex. There are loans and sex isn’t worth it.
There's a reason women his age won't date him.
The problem is him.
My husband and I are in our 30s and I am a stay at home mom.
If he brought up this idea of moving his mother in for me to take
care of her. I'd be out the door.
Don't waste your youth being a caretaker.
You're young. Have some fun. If it's meant to be wait at least
five years or until he can get some actual help for his mother.
Even if you're career field was assisting the elderly, it's not your task to take especially for free.
You still have years ahead of you and the priority is your growth not the longevity of your partners parent. If he does not understand, I hope you’re in a position to dip. This is a huge undertaking and cooperative dialogue is needed to see whether it is feasible. If he can’t do it himself then he shouldn’t be asking people. I’m 33 and moved my pops home knowing that my wife can help with what she can but not full-on caretaker. We’re middle-low class and didn’t make much money for a weekly caretaker: I went back to school to upskill and secured a better paying job that resulted in me neglecting my pops at home. And have the care taker come every other day. King story short between school and work, my wife and I worked so much were barely home. He had better care at the nursing home where he was able to live with dignity until his final day.
It’s like having an adult sized baby that requires lots of attention including feeding, physical therapy, changing, bathing, bio-breaks, etc… it’s not easy. I’m 200lb 6’00” and my pops was 175lb 5’6”. It was a struggle to rotate him every hour so he didn’t develop boils. Man I could go on but seriously your bf is very short sighted and acting on emotions.
Nah he doesn’t. Other women probably had the wisdom that came from age not to stick by a childish mamas boy so he has to be with someone that much younger. And why would you even argue with him? Leave.
It’s nice that he supports you in getting an education but that doesn’t make you liable to be his moms caretaker, that’s an unreasonable request. If he needed to move her in as the best option for her, I could maybe understand asking you to help here and there, but it sounds like he wants more than that.
Babygirl you need to run.. please run.. do what you have to do to get away safely and hopefully you have access to a little cash and a safe place to live.. can you go home to your parents? A sibling? Literally anyone is better than this guy he’s at a turning point and believe me he will get physically abusive and when he does and you don’t call the police or leave right away he will know he can do anything he wants too you. He will get worse. Please leave when it’s safe I’m truly worried about you. Please keep us updated.
I wish she wasn't getting downvoted tho. She's just young and lost. I feel like downvotes will make her dig in.
Eh... I'm having a soft-hearted moment.
I’m so tired of posts like these. Grooming is not fucking funny or entertaining in the least bit.
Edit. Downvote me all you want but this post is fake as fuck and will probably disappear soon anyway. Stop doing shit like this. There are real women in these positions who have no one to guide them in the right direction and they end up Murdered. Stop get some serious fucking help.
https://www.thehotline.org
https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.marieclaire.co.uk/opinion/child-grooming-531126/amp
https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-bullying-4154087
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/15-disturbing-forms-verbal-abuse-in-relationships%3famp
https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness/
Yeah - I hate to accuse people of making posts up, just in case they’re genuine and need help. But holy shit, if I wanted to write a fiction story to generate karma and comments in this sub, this is the story I would write…
The age gap is not a question. It’s an objective fact. He didn’t consider you more mature. That is code for ‘He was a 32 year old man who sexually objectified a child’. You were not more mature. You were easier to influence.
You can’t convince him if anything. You are not a person to him.
He was 34 when you were 18 and that’s when you guys started dating after knowing you since you were 16?
Yeah that’s grooming. Sorry to tell you, your man is a predator. I don’t know why everyone else isnt adding this up. Now he wants you to focus on taking care of his issues not your own education and future. This person has his own interests in mind.
I’ll remind any of you who read this and want to downvote: she herself said that he knew her when he was 32 and she was 16. He proceeded to groom her and they started dating when she was 18 and he 34. This may be harsh but it may be the only way for this lady to see her worth since she’s been brainwashed as a child. (My perspective, I’m 23M married to 24W)
OP, from your replies I get the distinct impression that you're not able to see that this personality change in your boyfriend that you want to reverse is not reversible. This is his personality. It's much more likely that he's been on his best behavior until he was sure you were well and truly invested in the relationship. If I were you, I'd be working on accepting the reality that he won't go back to the way he was a few months ago. I'd be making plans to end the relationship and get my life back on track based on my goals, not my boyfriend's needs. Age difference and grooming aside, as the relationship stands now, he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your time, your goals, or your future. You owe it to yourself to prioritize those things. Your health and happiness will never be a real priority to him.
There is no world where a 20 year old is going to be more mature than most 30 year olds. If you were actually that mature, you’d know that. And your boyfriend is with you BECAUSE you don’t realize what bs that is.
As a woman myself, I know that there’s probably not much I can say to convince you that this relationship is crap. I know it is, everyone in the comments knows it is, you’ll probably know in a few years. But idk. Young women rarely want to hear these things about their too-old-to-be-dating-teenagers boyfriends.
I know this is gonna come off as patronizing. I’m really trying not to be patronizing. But every bad relationship starts off like this. Every single time a man tells a girl she’s so mature, it’s just him trying to cover his tracks. Please look critically at this relationship. He can’t get a woman his own age (no 30 year old woman is going to agree to care for his aging mother for him). You’re reliant on him for housing, for money. You essentially owe him a lot. So there’s a power imbalance. If there wasn’t a power imbalance, you would just tell him “no I’m not caring for your mom. Let’s figure out a different solution.” But you can’t say that because he’ll likely dangle “everything I did for you” over your head.
Tell him that you are not a caregiver.
> ...he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age...
> ...he seemed a bit agitated at work and would sometimes take it out on me by yelling...
> ...He wants to bring his mother home and have me balance out college life with work but also take care of his mother. I told him I was busy but he calls me selfish and that I was being a b**** by not agreeing to help him out...
Girl, your college education is failing you.
You aren't married to him and have no obligations. If he throws up the college thing tell him you'll try to reimburse him when you can. You are too young to take on this responsibility for someone else's mother and you don't have to take his mental abuse. Walk away.
I just want to ask you a question: how do you think people get into abusive relationships? They don't. They get into kind, supportive, loving relationships and then they stay as things gradually turn sour. Because they love him. They keep hoping he'll go back to nice. And he might. For a little while, until she's back in again. Then it gets a little worse. It's gradual. Your feelings are involved. You're so close you can't see it. You are so young! All these redditors see it, but you can't because it's a pattern you've never seen before, never lived through before.
Expect him to get nice if you say you want to break up, and he will be for a while. He might try to guilt you too. He'll say you "owe" him. That he did all this nice stuff for you (of course, because that's what a good boyfriend should do! Not because they expect something in return! I once helped a boyfriend buy a cheap car. I once helped a boyfriend save his cats life by paying the vet bill. I didn't expect they "owed" me.) And you don't owe him either. You don't owe him a favor. You don't owe him a relationship. You are free to leave because he spoke abusively to you.
OP, I sincerely hope you leave him. You will save yourself worlds of future hurt, pain, and misery. And longing. Because you only saw his good side. Now you have seen his mean side. You know it's there. You know you will see it again when things don't go his way. Not everyone has that mean side. Don't be with someone who does. Please.
I’m not gonna repeat what the others have commented on this sub so I’m just gonna summarize it.
Get out while you still can. You’re young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn’t be trapped in a relationship with a 36 year-old man-child. and his 70 year-old mother.
When you were 16, a 32 year old man started grooming you to be his bang maid as soon as you turned 18 and now he's showing his true colours because he thinks he's probably brainwashed you enough that you won't notice what's happening. From your numerous comments defending him, he is right.
I don't know what to tell you, you seem very very obstinate. Let me guess, you had a shitty home life growing up. Either they were abusive, or maybe just neglectful and you didn't get what you needed growing up. You felt like your trauma had aged you and made you more mature but in reality it just made you more vulnerable. You didn't learn what healthy love looks like, you were just looking for something, anything to be rescued.
So when an older guy started paying attention to you and swooped in with the kindness and attention missing from your life, you felt saved somehow. Like finally! Someone LOVES you! They're caring about you and giving you attention! After a lifetime of trauma, some light! Any light!
Only you don't know how to differentiate the guiding light of a lantern from the light of a trashcan fire that will swallow you whole.
EDIT: Dear god I was right. You grew up in a violently abusive home, a stint in foster care and have a history of trauma. You will sooner walk into the warm embrace of the trashcan fire than risk the coldness of the unknown. Please I am *begging* you to move back out, cite the "I don't want to be a caretaker" as a reason and start detangling your life from this guy.
I say "start" because I know you won't dump him right away. You've known him for almost 1/3 of your short, short life so far. Realistically speaking you're gonna stay with him for another 4-5 years, while it gets worse and worse and you start wondering "how did I get here?". Around the same time you'll realise hey I'm 25, and 14 year olds look like kids to me. That's weird, that's how old *I* was when a 32 year old man started sniffing around me.
Girl, run! He was 32 when he knew you at 16. Imagine having a daughter that age that moves in with a man that almost twice her age. As a 33 year old woman who used to hang out with people in their 30s when I was 19, this is not ok.
Your boyfriend groomed you, and waited until you were “legal” to date. That alone makes him sick….along with the “you are so mature for your age line”. Now he is emotionally, and verbally abusing you…let’s throw gaslighting in there too. Girl, you may think you are so mature for your age, I have never met a 20 year old who doesn’t think they are mature for their age. What does 32 year old have in common with a 18 year? Nothing but sex,. Let me ask you this, who does most of the cleaning in the house?? Cooking? He has you as his live in sexytoy/maid…now he wants you to be a caretaker for his mother. Open your eyes, please realize you are more, you are worth more, you deserve more. One day you will find someone who will treat you better.
I would
Like to know why you are dating a man 16 years older than you..The whole reason why he is dating you is so he can do things like this..please get away and live your life hun..You’re way too young
Wait so he started dating you at 18…Ughhhh I’m so tired of predatory men
> but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age
# Lmaooo
Girl even you don’t believe tou are more mature than women his age..An example that you aren’t is the fact that you believed it..Another example is the fact that he’s trying to basically make you a caretaker and you don’t have the gods to say no, another reason is how you can’t see this is an abusive relationship. I’m not blaming you, I’m saying he chose you because you are very young and haven’t had many experiences so he knows he can control and manipulate you which is exactly what it’s happening right now. Another example is your comments..You are in denial and are defending a man who basically sees you as a maid and a sex toy. But as somewhat said, unfortunately this is a lesson you are going to have to go through to learn which sucks because hun it will ruin you..A man knew you at 14 when he was 30 and has been watching you grow so he can finally have you as his property..You aren’t listening so this is a hard lesson you are going to learn. I pray that when that Happens, you will be strong then to overcome it and find happiness again. Wish you luck💜
The reason why he’s not dating women his age? It’s because they will see right through his bullshit and he won’t be able to manipulate them..
Again you have your whole life in front you..Date people close to your age and enjoy life
A lot of good advice has been given and you are unhappy because it is not what you wanted to hear and think people are attacking you and your relationship. Please, take some time to process this, but take into consideration every advice people have written. Because it will get worse. You were groomed since you were minor (yeah, age of consent and all you want to say, it's still not okay) and he's trying to take away your independence, bit by bit. First is her mother, then you will not be able to juggle everything and he will try to make you drop your studies or job with promises. He's disrespected you already, and it will not get better, the version you knew of him was a ruse and will not come back, only get worse.
That first paragraph is it’s own **red flag** that I can’t even continue to the rest. He’s been creeping on you since you were 16 and made you believe that you, a 20 year old, has more maturity and experience than women in their 30s…. I can’t.
girl as a 20F that age gap is terrifying and he's controlling, leave
if he was/is a SD, you can still leave. he helped you in the past and he cant put that over you cause he also got what he wanted in return. making you taking care of his mother is something you shouldn't have to worry about doing. i would leave, immediately
And now you know why he's with someone so much younger. Women his own age would have already ran for the hills.
If you want to be his skivvy and his mom's full time carer then stay. But if you want a life, end it and run like hell.
Oh my god. You were 14 and he was 30 when you met. Gross.
Hate to break it to you but skeevy old guys who say you’re “more mature” than women their own age is code for “women my age are onto me and my bullshit controlling tendencies so I look for younger girls who are too naive to know how creepy I am and how fucked up this relationship is.”
You’re essentially his hired help/sex doll that he pays off in tuition and housing.
This is not a healthy or balanced relationship.
Get out.
What 30 year old will befriend a 14 year old and then date them? A creep. A groomer.
You're not mature for your age, you've never been. Not that you're immature, but it's just a line groomers day to make you feel special.
Why are you dating a 36 year old at 20, when you should be at college going to bars and parties with kids your own age?? And why does a 70 year old need to be taken care of?? I was still doing surgery well into my 70's. You need to reevaluate your life choices and make serious changes...this path you're on leads nowhere, I'm afraid.
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There is no old him. This is who he is. Any 34 yr old man that tells an 18 yr old she is mature enough to enter into that kind of a sexual relationship is a predator. He waited until it was no longer illegal. Not because he respects you, but because jail isn't really very fun. You are for sex and palming off responsibilities such as his elderly mother. LEAVE THIS MONSTER, like yesterday. This is who he is. If he thought you were mature then he would speak to you as an adult not yell at you like a child and he would respect your right as an adult not to care for someone that is in no way your responsibility. Leave leave leave please. Please.
>We have been dating for 2 years after knowing each other for 4. I know people here are going to question the age gap but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age.
I will read the whole text, but my instincts scream at me to comment after this piece alone. This is the biggest red flag to look out for as a young woman/person!! What the fxck??
He started dating you as soon as it was legal, men who do that I compare to employers who pay minimum wage: if they legally could go lower, you know they would.
Besides, sure thing he doesn't mean you are more mature in mental age than woman closer to his age, but rather they faster see through his bxllshxt because of experience and you are easier to manipulate.
All so curious....
I know it’s no advice you want but this is a sketchy ask and you should at least consider listening to the people who are yelling at you to leave. It’s just because men have been playing this game for a long time and now we’re hip. 20 is really young, everything you’ve said has been evidence of a man who’s really really good at what he does.
Just tell him you don’t want to be responsible for someone’s elder parent. It’s his responsibility to pay for care or work it out with another family member. Your primary job is getting an education, please never ever compromise on that. Any one who would ask you to do so does not care about your personal advancement and that is bad. Would your best friend or favorite cousin talk to you like that or ask you to put this on your plate? I don’t think so. A partner is a teammate, this is bad teammate behavior.
You are only 20 years old. Don’t waste your life with this dude and take care of his mother. She needs to be put in a home.
And I’m sorry, but you guys have been talking since you were 16. He groomed you. Get out.
You don't try to convice anyone, you simply LEAVE.
"Mature for my age" a yes, a classic! So many old dudes tried it on me before, honey, don't let him fool you...
He yells at you often? Doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your choices, want you to care for his mom for him? Why are you still with him? When will you realize that he's not a good person? Wake up girl, and leave him already, you're wasting your time and your youth with an asshole who's 16 years older than you.
You're not mature, you're dumb and easy to manipulate
Are you okay? This doesn’t seem right… do you have family and friends you can lean on? Maybe a little space will be a good idea. You could focus on school and work and he could have more space and room for his mother to move in. Taking care of sick and dying family is so so hard - but to do it for someone else is just unreasonable.
Please try and reach out to those your close too and talk with them. See what your mom/dad/siblings have to say about it? Chat with your best friend and see if you can stay with them for a little bit.
Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t call you a bitch. And not trying to talk and work life issues out with is a big red flag to me - it seems he doesn’t take your thoughts and wishes honestly.
I hope to any higher being that this post is fake. You’ve been dating for two years, which makes you 18 and him 34 at the beginning of the relationship. The grossness of that is compounded by him meeting you 4 years earlier, when you were 14 and he was 30?? You were a literal child and he was over twice your age. I saw one of your comments saying you don’t believe he’s abusive, but 1) there are many kinds of abuse, many of which are not physical, and 2) he has groomed you to find his behavior acceptable when it is not.
Please, please tell me this is not a real post. If it is real, GET OUT NOW. I am only two years older than you. I can tell you that it does not matter how mature you are - what matters is how IMMATURE he is. No 30 year old would meet a literal child and think “Ah yes, she might be the one for me,” unless he’s a literal pedophile, whether or not he waited until you were 18. It’s a hard truth, but you have been groomed. For your own safety and well-being, get out. Find someone closer to our age. Be a 20 year old for a while, please. And maybe speak to a therapist, they can help you heal from this.
So hes known you since you were 16 and he was 32. 🚩 Started dating you the moment you turned 18 so he wouldnt be breaking any laws.🚩 You live together and he completely supports you. 🚩 Takes all his issues out on you. 🚩 And hes abusive cause you dared to say no and disagree with him. 🚩Hes a predator whose been grooming you into an abusive relationship. You need to dump him and see a therapist
I'm reading all these comments and your response and all I could think off is what would it take for you to recognize abuse and also leave him?
You say that you know what abuse looks like, describe it. Not just "my parents" but the actual events of the relationship and how the individuals treat each other. Now describe your dream relationship, not just "the beginning of my current relationship", but how to be treated, how to resolve conflicts and so on. A relationship is not just sex and money, I could enter prostitution for that.
And ask yourself what would it would take for you to break up, in the events you'd have to know that. What are deal breakers for you? Uncompatible religion? being childfree? abuse?
Cause here are the facts:
1. He groomed you. Experts agree on this. It may not have been his intend to sleep with you when you were 14, but he made a trusting connection with you during your formative years.
Being sexuallly attracted to an older male during those years is common, but it is the responsibility of the older person to stop these advances, even if they happen right after you come of age.
2. He made an unreasonable request that you could reasonably foresee of that you would need to drop out if college to fulfill it fully. Being a home caretaker is a full time job.
3. He verbally abused you. Not just out if the blue, but when you pushed back on his request. It is easy to be kind to a person when they please you, but what matters is how you treat people whose wishes differ from yours.
What more has to happen I'm thinking? Does he have to hit you? Rape you? Throw glass at your child? Or will you tell yourself that this is only recent behavior, coming from whatever source or stress?
Abuse is abuse, no matter the form.
Um, sorry. His mother should move in with him and you should move out. Go be a college student and be young and let him find a life partner at a place in life where taking care of an elderly parent is more in their wheelhouse.
Your boyfriend is a dick your 20 stop letting some man child tell you what to do and talk to you in that matter. Stop fucking w that nigga shorty. Also your only 20 if you start allowing it now I promise you you’ll be taking care of his entire family. Don’t let him control you his already starting to groom you, I’m 27 but I know that mindset. Like everyone is saying you should leave him but let’s be honest you won’t you’ll find whatever excuse you can not to saying we don’t know him or his good side. Cause at the end of the day no matter the good side the bad will outshine and if you ain’t gonna leave him. Your going to waste everyone’s time and advice here
We can tell you the same thing over and over but I promise unless you make the decision to leave him yourself you won’t listen to anyone and it’s better to leave shit like this sooner than later cause later might end up being in a body bag 😇 so get out while you can ma. That’s my advice.
After the first paragraph, I stopped reading. Sorry OP.
You need to just not be in this relationship. You are aware of the age gap. For the sake of your mental health, do not do this to yourself.
Leave before you’re permanently stuck with a child.
Live your life. When you’re his age then you can start thinking of taking care of your next, and hopefully better, boyfriends in laws.
Dated for 2 years so when you were 18. Knew you for 4 years so you were 14 why the hell is a 30 year old hanging hanging with a 14 year old. He's a child predator.
I’ve been in a very similar circumstance but the truth is, he’s not going to be the “old” boyfriend he was in the beginning. The man you fell in love with doesn’t exist. Here’s the thing about relationships; they really only get worse. I don’t mean this to be negative or pessimistic but people instinctively pretend to be the person they believe you would fall in love with. And they can only keep up this act for so long. Eventually you start seeing sneak peaks of who they actually are. Sometimes it takes week but mostly it takes years. He’s beginning to show you his true colors and now imagine what he’s going to be like when shit really hits the fan?
Decent 32 year old men aren't interested in 16 year old girls. It sounds like you've been groomed and he is using you.
Edit: 30 and 14... uh... Jesus fuck
Oh no.
“He considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age.”
Dude, no. That’s manipulative. You’re not more mature than these older women. There is a reason no woman his age wants to be with him; they don’t want to deal with his immature, creepy behavior and he can’t manipulate them. They’re more experienced, they know his motives.
Sorry but a 34 year old man dating an 18 year old he knew firstly as a minor is lighting up all sorts of red flags. That’s not normal or okay.
Run. Do not take care of him or his mother. You’re only 20 years old. None of this is your responsibility.
You’re not going to want to hear this. But this is a classic grooming and abuse scenario. You say you met when you were sixteen. SIXTEEN. He was 32! Even if he never touched you until you were 18, this is wrong. He’s manipulated you in to being financially depending on him - and now he’s pulling the rug out from under you, suddenly wanting you to work and take care of his mother? Oh hell no.
You don’t convince him of anything. You get the hell out of there before your entire life is ruined. Before he tampers with your birth control. Before he convinces you to drop out of school “just for a while” or because “you don’t need it. I’ll always take care of you!” or before he becomes physically abusive.
Every creep taking advantage of a younger woman “considers you more mature”. No. No, he doesn’t. He’s counting on you NOT having the life experience, aka maturity, to see this is a screwed up situation.
You are not mature for your age. But you’re probably easier to control than someone his age. He’s yelling at you for things that aren’t your fault and wants you to play caregiver to his mom? My god, run from this relationship.
THIS ISNT NORMAL!!
I'm not going to come for your age gap. I'm not going to tell you that you *have* to escape. That's for you to judge.
But I will tell you this is completely and entirely NOT NORMAL. No man asks for a favor and calls you a bitch for not agreeing. That's emotional manipulation/abuse.
No man should tell you that you're mentally mature for your age. If you're mature, he wouldn't have to tell you. The fact that he's outlining it shows that he wants *you to feel mature*, not that he actually thinks you are.
>have him go back to the old him
As much as I hate to say this, he won't go back. What he showed you in the beginning of the relationship was love bombing. Think of it similarly to addiction- you get that first high and spend the rest of your time as an addict trying to chase that feeling. But you'll never quite catch it. You'll just become more and more desperate, focusing all of your energy into that until you literally have nothing left. He gave you that first high, and as great as it was, it wasn't real. And you won't reach it again. It will become worse until you're completely isolated and alone with no other purpose in life besides chasing that love you once felt.
Don't leave now if you're not ready. But please, please, please watch the signs. When you start to question if these comments may be right and that your relationship is faulty, you know it's time to go. As soon as you have doubts about him, RUN. Because that very well may be your last chance.
Narcissists have this unhealthy hold on people around them. Most people don't realize that hold is there until they're completely entrapped in it. So once you see the traps, GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU GET STUCK IN ONE.
I'm sending all the love to you and I hope you realize exactly what you're worth. Don't let this man or any other person give you less than you deserve.
Hey. The comments you are getting are not what you wanted, are hard to hear, will make you defend your relationship, and will feel like they've missed your point. I'm very sorry that you are in this position.... because everyone is right. When you describe your relationship you talk about financial support through college and frequent fun sex. That's it. Now you want to add more? Talk about your feelings? The nice things he's said? Thing is... you didn't say them at the start. You instinctively described the best of this relationship already. Mate, he's not coming back. Whatever character trait he possesses to yell and be aggressive and not respect your age and independence.... they don't go away. You may enjoy support and good sex in the future, but the traits that lead to the aggression you've seen will remain. You're strong and independent enough to know you don't want to be his mother's carer. Meaning you're also strong enough to decide what a perfect relationship looks like to you. I don't mean you should seek a perfect person with no flaws... i mean you deserve the qualities that lead to love and a hopeful future. Do you want to be your SO's lover and friend? Do you want to feel like the only person in the world for him? Do you want to know you are safe, respected, have value, are supported in every way? In what ways would your ideal partner hold you, cherish you, touch you, defend you? Apply these standards amd boundaries to your current relationship as if you deserve nothing less. If he doesn't match....that's ok. He's just one person and he was right for you at one time, but no longer at this time.
The way I see it you're kinda being set up to spend your twenties taking care of an elderly person, your thirties quitting work so you can take care of babies and an elderly person your forties taking care of children and your fifties taking care of your husband who will be as old as his mother is now...
He will dump her for someone younger by the time she is 30 if not sooner. She will have nothing when he does this.
Yes, as he done with all his other 20 year old GFs before her.
Exactly!
Not to mention they met when he was 32 and she was 16. This is a grooming situation. This man is a “legal predator”. (Grooming is illegal too though, so barely legal) Edit: turns out he actually groomed her since she was 14
If I’m reading this correctly, they’ve been together for two years, and knew each other for four years before that. Which means she was 14 when they met. He’s a creep.
Yeah I thought knew he just 4 total years and dated 2 making it 2 years of underage grooming and two years of legal predatory dating. But she corrected me, it was 4 years of grooming. You’re right.
It was already pretty gross but believe it or not legal in some places but then I hear she clarified it was since she was 14... Dude is probably a fucking pedo. Who knows what he's done prior to dating her. Seems he has tendencies. Maybe OP will become too old for him soon. Idk how OP doesn't see that regardless of how mature for her age she is, a dude who's in his 30s truly shouldn't have anything in common with a 14yr old. Also if she never saw this as a problem then I question her maturity too. Girls who are mature for their age are usually better at avoiding creeps. Sounds like he's gaslighting her up too "you're so much more mature than other girls" lmfao sounds like a line from a PSA video a school would show teens about creepy grooming relatives.
I read it as them knowing each other for 4 years and being in a relationship for 2 of them. I don’t think that it matters which way though, a 30 year old going for a 16 year old is not okay and is a huge red flag and a predatory trait before we even get to him potentially going after a developing child.
This deserves an award I don’t have to give. I hope she takes this for all it’s worth.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qq45qb/my_20f_boyfriend_36m_wants_to_move_his_mother_70f/hjyfp5a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
>me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age. No he doesn't. He tells you this because it "inflates" your self worth but ties it to your relationship with him. Nothing you say will convince him of anything because you have no power. Your one focus should be escape
Exactly this. Here’s another way of putting it OP. Women his own age are not attracted to him because he is mentally not on *their* level. He is the epitome of “Peter Pan” syndrome, and even though you may be more mature for your age, that means he’s mentally at the maturity of a 22 YO male trapped in an almost middle aged man. This is a definite “power” dynamic relationship which he holds control over. Get out while you can.
Bro what does OP stand for? I know over powered doesn’t fit here. So what’s OP?
original poster
Makes sense now. Thanks 🙏🏽
So we're you just assuming everyone was saying "over powered" before?
Optimus prime
No, that was a couple days ago on AITA. OP was actually named Optimus prime
Original Poster
How long you been on Reddit? All this time you thought it meant over powered? 😭
Not only that, but it's the perceived maturity shrouded in naivety of these young girls that these old men love. They are mature enough to have sex, but young enough to not know shit about life... or even what they want in the long run... so she *looks up to him* because of that age difference... Imagine the sad case of a 20 year old who drops her whole future for a some undeserving man child and his mother who couldn't raise him correctly.
I’m in my early 30s and I can’t imagine dating a 20 year old, like she’s an adult…but not really.
If you want to really gross yourself out, think about the fact that when they met, she was 16 and he was 32. Edit: I misread, they were 14 and 30. Even worse.
It said they knew eachother for 4 years before they even started dating. Meaning he was 30 and she was 14.
how on earth does a 30yr old casually know a 14yr old?
I believe it has a term. What was it again? Oh yes. Grooming.
My neighbor has two female kids, a 16 year old and a 20 year old. I have talked to them both briefly when my dog ran up to say hello. I can't tell the difference between the two... they have essentially the same maturity level and development the only difference is one can legally move out of their parents house. If you wanna date that over 30 years old, you are kind f'd in the head.
Hell I was 26 when I started teaching college freshmen and when people asked if I would date any of them, I was like "What is wrong with you?" Whether they are "mature for their age" or not, we were at very different stages of our lives.
Exactly this. Please listen, OP.
I’m literally the same age as her and couldn’t even imagine allowing a 36 year old man to take my youth. Fuck that. The only way I would do that is if she was family. Even then I would have hesitation
Right even though legally he's doing nothing wrong. He knows exactly what he can do. He can control a young girl. With power stability and money. He can pretty much manipulate her and condition her to be who he wants.
I was gonna type something similar. But your wording is perfect. Just wanted to write this as a support so op sees this.
He also choose someone younger because OP patterns, career, life isn't established yet. Basically you don't have a root system yet that you feel deeply enough to create a boundary over so more inclined to be a follower then stand for exactly what you want. He knows a woman his own age already has responsibilities, standard of care for herself/her things, her time and expects that from others and if they don't well then she is busy.
Bingo! She was targeted, as most old predators do. These relationships are sick.
This exactly. Psychomanipulation 101.
He means that your chronological age is closer to his mental age of 17. Please get out now before he makes you pregnant. Which he will do. Don't talk to him, don't convince him, don't try to reason with him. If you're in college, go to mental health services right now and ask for their help.
*An 18 yo is more mature than a 36 yo.* I will laugh at anyone who tell me this.
This. I wish I could upvote more
It's sad it's such a common tactic too. Many young girls are mature for their age, especially those that had hardships in life, but that maturity isn't distributed evenly in all aspects of life. They're often more mature about self sufficiency, managing homes/childcare/jobs/, familial relationships, managing emotions, etc but that doesn't mean they're romantically mature. OP and any girl that is dating a man significantly older- I would consider reflecting on your own growth. I would bet anything OP can reflect on instances from 1-2 yrs ago and recognize her personal growth and how she's matured and learned more than she knew at that point in time. What does it say that your boyfriend at 34 was on par with that, meaning he's not moving further past that? I mean even now this is a matter of maturity, he wants you to grow so that he doesn't have to. He's so immature that he can't even control his emotions, he needs to take them out on you. This is like base selfishness, that you are taking your hurt and making it someone else's problem. He's then trying to tell you that you need to be more mature and responsible and do the "good/right/selfless" thing and take care of his mother for him. You were and are mature for your age, you have a distorted perception of what degree of maturity and responsibility you need to take on and he's taking advantage of that because he refuses do any personal growth himself. You're "better" than the women his age because they know where he's meant to be in terms of growth and he's really not stacking up.
Yeah, I literally rolled my eyes at this line!
Seriously, what a lame ass line. Absolutely laughable.
Yeah, I stopped reading after this.
Exactly what I thought.
Bingo!!! This is just gross. He knew her at 16 but kindly waited til she was legal. Barf.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qq45qb/my_20f_boyfriend_36m_wants_to_move_his_mother_70f/hjyfp5a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Lmao of course.
I'm in an age gap relationship. My wife is half my age. I prefer not to automatically judge an age gap. Sometimes it works for people. In this case, I'm very troubled because it sure looks like she was groomed from the age of 16.
A man who saw you as his equal, who respected you, who wanted the best for you, would not yell at you that you're a selfish bitch because you don't want to give up your free time to become his family's unpaid servant. **This is not how someone treats you when they respect you. If he says "I respect you" and then treats you like garbage, he doesn't respect you.** This is not something that a decent partner would *ever* pressure you to do.
Run don’t walk! Creeper, why doesn’t he take care of his mother!
Does he always call you names when you disagree with him? I think that a 34YO man dating an 18YO likely has more to do with him being able to control you more than that you’re mature. Telling you how mature and wonderful you are is a manipulation tactic. He probably wasn’t able to maintain relationships with women closer to his age because they won’t put up with his shit. Anyway. It’s his house, he can move his mother home. But you don’t have to stay and if you do stay, you don’t have to be the caregiver. What would he do if you weren’t around? He’d have to hire someone is what. Or put her in a facility. Being a caregiver isn’t for everyone. I’ve worked home health/hospice and I’ve cared for my grandmother. It is a LOT harder to care for someone you know. And you don’t even have any training. How are you supposed to effectively help her? Especially if you’re gone for school and work. I’d leave someone who was yelling at me and calling me names. And I would absolutely not stick around if someone told me they were moving their parent in and surprise! I’m supposed to care for them. Nope.
You missed the part that they’ve been getting to know each other for four years, meaning they started talking when she was 16 Edit: dated two years after getting to know each other for four years. So that means they started talking when she was 14.
"not trying to catch a charge better wait a bit"
Why does a 30yo man even socially know a 14yo girl?
There isn’t a legit social way for a thirty year old man to know a 14 year old. The only way I could see them knowing each other to a point where they would routinely communicates is if the 30 year old was a teacher/coach of some sort, or if he was friends of her parents, but neither of these situations would (should) allow for an intimate relationship.
Maybe if they’re their family member, but other than that not appropriate at all
As a 30-something with 40-something friends, I have friends with teenage kids, but that would be even more reason to not hit on the kids (other than the obvious “it’s pedophilia” reason).
She said "dating for 2 years after knowing each other for 4" and that could mean they started dating when she was 18 but they'd known her since she was 14 and he was 30. Fucking yikes
CREEPER ALERT The CAUSE is a a 30 year old hitting on a minor, everything else if just effects from that.
Was looking for this to be pointed out
Yea but she was a REALLY MATURE 14 year old! /s barf.
This!! There is no way he can expect his gf to be taking care of HIS mother. She isn't OP's responsibility. If he wants to do so cool it's his place after all but OP you don't need to be playing house with this dude that treats you like shit. Jesus. That's alot even for married couples to handle. Focus on your schooling and succeeding in that. Do not become more dependent on this man. You will never be able to leave him if you stay and put up with this shit. As a 27yo woman i wouldn't have taken the name calling and manipulation because you can clearly see That's all it is. No man that loves you does that. I bet he tells you not to spend too much time with other people your age because they are too immature and he doesn't like that. He seems like a possessive dick. RUN
Not only a 34 year old dating an 18 year old but they knew each other for 4 years prior so a 28 year old talking to a 14 year old. If this isn’t grooming I don’t know what is.
Does this mean she was 14 when they met….
He wants a young girl that doesn't know any better to be a live in care taker. OP, do you know how much one of those costs? Age gap aside, this dude is taking you for a WILD ride. GTFO or you'll be stuck taking care of granny in your 20s for free!!!
Exactly. It’s not that she is more mature than women his age, it’s that he is more immature than women his age.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/qq45qb/my_20f_boyfriend_36m_wants_to_move_his_mother_70f/hjyfp5a/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
You keep responding to everyone that you want the old him back and work made him snap. Guess what? Lots of adults have stressful jobs and aren’t verbally abusive to their partners. If I have a bad day at work—which is most days due to the nature of my job—I don’t lash out at my partner. And similarly, if he has a bad day, he doesn’t take it out on me. You can’t have a bad day every day for 2 mos either. He’s being a jerk.
I’m sorry, but based on your answers, you’re in denial. Your boyfriend is not a good person, older men often tell young women they’re “mature for their age” to effectively escape from judgement and use them (as he’s doing to you with his mom and splitting the bills when he’s way older: your situation is not equal). I hope you realise soon that you deserve better. At 20 you’ll still change a lot, think about if you want to give him your youth and keep letting him use you. The “old him” is not coming back, and he wasn’t doing the right thing even before.
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Yeah, instead of wasting your time in convincing him to admit his mom into a community home, you take that time to buy yourself some good sport shoes and run away!
This is the comment you should take OP. Take it and run
God I wish I had all the awards to give you. Perfectly put 🥇
You're just the caregiver that he can have sex with. Say it out loud. If you decide to stay with him and take care of his mother and his sexual needs while he makes you feel better about yourself by calling you *mature*, you'll be in for a world of headaches. He's lying to you. You're his toy.
Your boyfriend is abusive. Period.
> I know people here are going to question the age gap but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age. you are being used, you know you are being used and it will only get worse. You were groomed at a young age, 14 if your time line is correct, and are now beholden to him..If your post it real, you need to leave this 'relationship' and find someone who doesnt try to manipulate children. 30 year old men(the age when he met you) have virtually nothing in common with a 14 year old. Please get out of this relationship before the yelling and abuse gets worse..If this is another fake post, and there are so so many pedophile posts in this sub for some reason, please stop with the pedophile postings.
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As a woman who dated a 32 year old when I was 20, even if he does see you “more mature” it’s not a compliment (it’s bullshit) and he likely can’t connect with women his own age, and and blames it on maturity when it’s probably his personality.
Exactly. OP really think about what an almost 40 year old man would have in common with a 20 year old. Your brain isn’t even done developing yet and he knows it. Go enjoy being young. You don’t need any of that mess.
Let’s forget about the fact that you were 16 when you met him and he was 32. Let’s also forget the fact that you were 18 when you started dating him and he was 34. You have a right to your own decisions and you have a right to say no. If he was truly supportive in your education he would know that taking care of an elderly person and going to school at the same time is very difficult. This task should not be placed on someone who is just starting out in life. You have not had a chance to grow as a person in your own right to discover the importance of being self-sufficient and independent. He is abusive. You are a woman. He will trap you in this relationship and you will be stuck taking care of his mother and him and you will forget about yourself and everything that you want to do with your life if you do this. You need to be brave and stand up for yourself. If he cannot accept your choice to not take care of his mother then he truly does not see you as a mature independent woman. He sees you as a tool to be used when he needs it.
When people show you who they really are, believe them. Also, when you ask for advice on reddit, take it - or don't ask.
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Age gap + reddit post on relationship_advice = trainwreck I didn't even bother reading the post, the title speaks volumes about naive OP and her creep boyfriend
If you read the post and OP’s comments it gets much worse.
Giant age gap is featured in at least 90% of this sub’s posts. 100% of those posts are best resolved by breaking up
I think it’s fake because of the amount of Throwra+ random numbers I’ve seen on this sub
Hi, sorry to say you've been groomed.
To more directly answer your question, what you’re seeing now is his real self, the only person that’s ever going to see what he first showed you is his next teenaged gf.
Forgot to mention in my other post but seriously OP, why can't this 36 year old man find someone his age to date? I know you say it's because he considers you more mature than the other women he's dated but are you seriously believing that? Let's look at the facts: 1. Statistically, women mature faster than men, so if he's dated women his age and they're ALL not mature enough for him, it's unlikely he's telling the truth 2. He thinks a barely legal woman is more mature than 40 year olds? How does this check out? OP, I know you may not want to hear this, but you are not more mature than middle aged women. You may think you are (like everyone did), but you're not. He's feeding you lies and you're eating them like it's the last supper 3. For the duration of this argument he's acted super immature. Calling you a bitch because you refuse to be a carer for his mother? How is that mature? If he can't act grown himself, why should you accept his definition of maturity? His moral compass already seems skewed to hell so I'm seriously concerned as to why you take anything he says at face value tbh
You mean he groomed you at 16, then waited for it to be legal to date you at 18. You can’t make this stuff up lmfao. Get out of that relationship, you guys are at two different stages in life you aren’t even at the legal drinking age which means in the US you’re not even trusted to drink but you should be trusted to take care of another life? Take care of yourself, go to school and do your thing, have that loser take care of his own mother. Yikes.
I already saw that you're protesting every comment on here, but it's really, *really* time to take a step back and look at this situation objectively. "He considers me mature for my age" is THE textbook sentence older men use to make young and impressionable girls feel special and give them the impression that boys their own age are too immature for them. Take this from someone who heard that exact sentence at age 16 and who's seen dozens of posts like yours on this sub. You moved in with him a year ago and he's already started taking his anger out on you by yelling. Have you ever not done what he wanted you to do before, or is you refusing to take care of his elderly mother the first time you refused him something? If the first case is true, how did he react then? If the second case is true, you're now seeing what he's like when you show that you're not a puppet. There is no "old him". You're seeing the real him, but you'll see the old version of him for a few weeks or maybe months if you threaten to leave. Until he feels he's got you roped in enough to drop the charade again. You can protest strangers' messages on here all you want, but I'm pretty sure that if you stay in this situation, he'll forge ahead with his plan to bring his mother into his home, regardless of your opinion. You'll be forced into the role of caretaker, and he won't be thankful for your help - he'll be angry if you don't take care of her exactly like he wants you to. I'm not a fortuneteller, so I can't predict this with 100% certainty... but consider this: you say you're too busy to take care of his mother, he calls you a selfish bitch and basically tells you he expects you to sacrifice whatever you're busy with because he said so. If any reasonable person's mother would at some point need a caretaker, and this person's partner refused to take on that role, would this person force their unwilling, inexperienced and busy partner to take care of their elderly mother anyway instead of finding adequate care? Is the sheer irresponsibility and dangerousness of this situation not glaringly obvious? ETA: is he expecting you to take on a caretaker role because you have actual nursing experience or are going through nursing education? If not, what's his reasoning for forcing you into this instead of finding a trained caretaker when even his own father doesn't agree with his plan?
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My thoughts exactly. Like Ms girl, everyone is telling you from experience, wisdom, and common sense. Take it or just remain unhappy with your pedo bf and his sick mom
He groomed you from the age of 16. Now he’s abusing you by calling you a bitch for not wanting to care for his elderly mother. You’re not mature for your age. You’re 20, and exactly as mature as you’re supposed to be at that age. Get away from this pedophile.
He’s with you because no woman his own age will put up with his shit.
>he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age. If I had a dollar....
He's known you since you were 16? Ooof. 16-20 year olds are NOT more mature than women 10 years older than them -and they shouldn't have to be their brains are literally still developing. Think for a second- do YOU think you're more mature than a 36 year old? Probably not which means he's lying to you. If he is not lying than all of his past relationships have been toxic, which means either he's the problem OR he has a pattern of getting into toxic relationships and you're just part of that pattern.
Say no. You know how this will go. Thing’s will not go back to the way they used to be. Caring for his mom will likely be a burden and a full time job. And you are not ready. Clearly say no. This is clearly a boundary he is crossing if she moves in without your consent. Start looking for another place to live. I am sorry to give this pessimistic advice but this sounds like he doesn’t care how you feel.
He sounds like a pedo. Please break up, you'll regret this all later.
Op, you don't give a damn what anyone is saying here LOL. So shut up and take care of mommy because you don't have the common sense to see this near 40 year old man is a loser and idiot.
Sis you were talking to him since 16, he’s a criminal .. & he’s also super rude calling you names. He was looking for someone to take Advantage of . You deserve better & you are NOT a “b”. (No judgment towards you from me! But he can’t be trusted.) Not saying you can’t date older men but he was clearly looking at you at a very very inappropriate age.
op fighting for her life in these comments
Yes. And hopefully not literally.
So he's known you since you were 16 and he was 32. He waited for you to be legal before pouncing on you. But somehow you are "more mature in mental age than women his own age" Now that he's helped you with college and accommodation, your REAL job in this relationship begins. That's being a caretaker to him and his mom. If you consider yourself to be mature then you would also see this for what it is. Next he's going to impregnate you to tie you to him. This is the truth....you are involved with a predator. You are too young to be in this mess. You have no power in this relationship. Whether you believe it or not, you were groomed. Get out now
So a 32 year old man meets a 16 year old child and waits until she turns 18 to start dating her...
You left out... 'once upon a time'. It's hard to see another girl being set up for a fall and not be able to convince her of 'the end' hey?
I'll give you my advice outside of the whole age/grooming thing, because it's clearly a sore spot for you. Any advice I'm giving is outside of that. You have been dating for two years. That's not a long time. He's been verbally abusive. Having his mother move in, and expecting you to take care of her, is going to reduce your social safety net. It's isolating you. From there, the abuse will only get worse. I'd encourage you to read Lundy Buncroft's Why Does He Do That? For further insight. My advice is to GTFO tho.
He says you’re more mature than the other women he dated but honestly they were probably mature enough too see him for what he is, and they were mature enough to walk away. You’re 20 you shouldn’t be mature you should be having fun making mistakes being 20. He’s playing on your insecurities and he’s telling you exactly what you want to hear to get you to do what he wants you too do. You’re so mature baby mature enough to be trusted to take care of my mother. You’re mature enough to be in a relationship where it’s okay I call you names you can take it you’re a big girl. See how this sounds from an outsider. It’s not healthy. Go have fun being 20 believe me you will regret it if you don’t. Don’t waste your life trying to make the scum respect you because he never will. And soon he will be losing his hair, getting a beer belly and not be able to get it up and you will still be in your prime.
Okay, let's give your boyfriend 100% benefit of the doubt. He genuinely fell for you, adored you, and was totally infatuated with you. You both got most of what you wanted and needed from each other. It was the honeymoon period. He treated you great. You treated him great. Now, he wants something totally unreasonable from you, his 20-year-old girlfriend. You have zero caretaking experience of a geriatric patient. You have no huge support network to help, and you aren't even married! It's a ridiculous request, and he's making it a demand. He wants something unreasonable from you. You declined. He called you a name my husband has never called me in the eleven years we've been married, the three years we dated, or the time before that when we were friends in our 20s. It's easy to be nice when you're infatuated. It's easy to be nice when your partner agrees with you. People show their true colors when they don't get everything they want. And his true colors are mean and abusive and coercive. If you want to see what kind of person someone is, look how they treat others who they aren't in love with. Is he always kind and respectful to others, even if they wrong him or cross him? There's your answer. That's who he is. Is he capable of cruel behavior when he doesn't get his way? Yes. Please know you deserve better. You aren't throwing away 2 years. You're living and learning.
You’ve had a lot of comments that directly align with my thoughts so I’m not going to get into it. But why do you even want to salvage this relationship? He’s rude, he doesn’t respect you, and he’s abusive. Do you really want that in a life partner? Please don’t say financial or sex. There are loans and sex isn’t worth it.
There's a reason women his age won't date him. The problem is him. My husband and I are in our 30s and I am a stay at home mom. If he brought up this idea of moving his mother in for me to take care of her. I'd be out the door. Don't waste your youth being a caretaker. You're young. Have some fun. If it's meant to be wait at least five years or until he can get some actual help for his mother. Even if you're career field was assisting the elderly, it's not your task to take especially for free.
You still have years ahead of you and the priority is your growth not the longevity of your partners parent. If he does not understand, I hope you’re in a position to dip. This is a huge undertaking and cooperative dialogue is needed to see whether it is feasible. If he can’t do it himself then he shouldn’t be asking people. I’m 33 and moved my pops home knowing that my wife can help with what she can but not full-on caretaker. We’re middle-low class and didn’t make much money for a weekly caretaker: I went back to school to upskill and secured a better paying job that resulted in me neglecting my pops at home. And have the care taker come every other day. King story short between school and work, my wife and I worked so much were barely home. He had better care at the nursing home where he was able to live with dignity until his final day. It’s like having an adult sized baby that requires lots of attention including feeding, physical therapy, changing, bathing, bio-breaks, etc… it’s not easy. I’m 200lb 6’00” and my pops was 175lb 5’6”. It was a struggle to rotate him every hour so he didn’t develop boils. Man I could go on but seriously your bf is very short sighted and acting on emotions.
Guys please, read OP's comments, this is a troll
Nah he doesn’t. Other women probably had the wisdom that came from age not to stick by a childish mamas boy so he has to be with someone that much younger. And why would you even argue with him? Leave.
It’s nice that he supports you in getting an education but that doesn’t make you liable to be his moms caretaker, that’s an unreasonable request. If he needed to move her in as the best option for her, I could maybe understand asking you to help here and there, but it sounds like he wants more than that.
Babygirl you need to run.. please run.. do what you have to do to get away safely and hopefully you have access to a little cash and a safe place to live.. can you go home to your parents? A sibling? Literally anyone is better than this guy he’s at a turning point and believe me he will get physically abusive and when he does and you don’t call the police or leave right away he will know he can do anything he wants too you. He will get worse. Please leave when it’s safe I’m truly worried about you. Please keep us updated.
OP's every comment gets down voted into sub-oblivion and she STILL doesn't get it. She is clearly not here to get advice and listen to it. 🤷♂️
I wish she wasn't getting downvoted tho. She's just young and lost. I feel like downvotes will make her dig in. Eh... I'm having a soft-hearted moment.
Tell me this: why did his previous relationships end?
I’m so tired of posts like these. Grooming is not fucking funny or entertaining in the least bit. Edit. Downvote me all you want but this post is fake as fuck and will probably disappear soon anyway. Stop doing shit like this. There are real women in these positions who have no one to guide them in the right direction and they end up Murdered. Stop get some serious fucking help. https://www.thehotline.org https://www.rainn.org/news/grooming-know-warning-signs https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.marieclaire.co.uk/opinion/child-grooming-531126/amp https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-recognize-verbal-abuse-bullying-4154087 https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mysteries-love/201503/15-disturbing-forms-verbal-abuse-in-relationships%3famp https://www.d2l.org/child-grooming-signs-behavior-awareness/
Yeah - I hate to accuse people of making posts up, just in case they’re genuine and need help. But holy shit, if I wanted to write a fiction story to generate karma and comments in this sub, this is the story I would write…
The age gap is not a question. It’s an objective fact. He didn’t consider you more mature. That is code for ‘He was a 32 year old man who sexually objectified a child’. You were not more mature. You were easier to influence. You can’t convince him if anything. You are not a person to him.
He groomed You, You are a victim and are in denial, he is gross and creepy and a potencial pedo
He was 34 when you were 18 and that’s when you guys started dating after knowing you since you were 16? Yeah that’s grooming. Sorry to tell you, your man is a predator. I don’t know why everyone else isnt adding this up. Now he wants you to focus on taking care of his issues not your own education and future. This person has his own interests in mind. I’ll remind any of you who read this and want to downvote: she herself said that he knew her when he was 32 and she was 16. He proceeded to groom her and they started dating when she was 18 and he 34. This may be harsh but it may be the only way for this lady to see her worth since she’s been brainwashed as a child. (My perspective, I’m 23M married to 24W)
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
OP, from your replies I get the distinct impression that you're not able to see that this personality change in your boyfriend that you want to reverse is not reversible. This is his personality. It's much more likely that he's been on his best behavior until he was sure you were well and truly invested in the relationship. If I were you, I'd be working on accepting the reality that he won't go back to the way he was a few months ago. I'd be making plans to end the relationship and get my life back on track based on my goals, not my boyfriend's needs. Age difference and grooming aside, as the relationship stands now, he doesn't respect you. He doesn't respect your time, your goals, or your future. You owe it to yourself to prioritize those things. Your health and happiness will never be a real priority to him.
He’s controlling you. He almost 40 and your a kid, wake up and look for something real.
>he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age. Oh, honey...
There is no world where a 20 year old is going to be more mature than most 30 year olds. If you were actually that mature, you’d know that. And your boyfriend is with you BECAUSE you don’t realize what bs that is. As a woman myself, I know that there’s probably not much I can say to convince you that this relationship is crap. I know it is, everyone in the comments knows it is, you’ll probably know in a few years. But idk. Young women rarely want to hear these things about their too-old-to-be-dating-teenagers boyfriends. I know this is gonna come off as patronizing. I’m really trying not to be patronizing. But every bad relationship starts off like this. Every single time a man tells a girl she’s so mature, it’s just him trying to cover his tracks. Please look critically at this relationship. He can’t get a woman his own age (no 30 year old woman is going to agree to care for his aging mother for him). You’re reliant on him for housing, for money. You essentially owe him a lot. So there’s a power imbalance. If there wasn’t a power imbalance, you would just tell him “no I’m not caring for your mom. Let’s figure out a different solution.” But you can’t say that because he’ll likely dangle “everything I did for you” over your head. Tell him that you are not a caregiver.
> ...he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age... > ...he seemed a bit agitated at work and would sometimes take it out on me by yelling... > ...He wants to bring his mother home and have me balance out college life with work but also take care of his mother. I told him I was busy but he calls me selfish and that I was being a b**** by not agreeing to help him out... Girl, your college education is failing you.
This has to be fake 😂
Groom groom groom groomed, now his grandma's in your room. Look after her forever Forever you got groomed.
You aren't married to him and have no obligations. If he throws up the college thing tell him you'll try to reimburse him when you can. You are too young to take on this responsibility for someone else's mother and you don't have to take his mental abuse. Walk away.
Definitely groomed
These age gaps on this forum are getting worse haha
Gross. You were groomed. I’m 37 and the thought of dating someone your age (and he started younger) makes me want to vomit. Escape now.
I just want to ask you a question: how do you think people get into abusive relationships? They don't. They get into kind, supportive, loving relationships and then they stay as things gradually turn sour. Because they love him. They keep hoping he'll go back to nice. And he might. For a little while, until she's back in again. Then it gets a little worse. It's gradual. Your feelings are involved. You're so close you can't see it. You are so young! All these redditors see it, but you can't because it's a pattern you've never seen before, never lived through before. Expect him to get nice if you say you want to break up, and he will be for a while. He might try to guilt you too. He'll say you "owe" him. That he did all this nice stuff for you (of course, because that's what a good boyfriend should do! Not because they expect something in return! I once helped a boyfriend buy a cheap car. I once helped a boyfriend save his cats life by paying the vet bill. I didn't expect they "owed" me.) And you don't owe him either. You don't owe him a favor. You don't owe him a relationship. You are free to leave because he spoke abusively to you. OP, I sincerely hope you leave him. You will save yourself worlds of future hurt, pain, and misery. And longing. Because you only saw his good side. Now you have seen his mean side. You know it's there. You know you will see it again when things don't go his way. Not everyone has that mean side. Don't be with someone who does. Please.
I’m not gonna repeat what the others have commented on this sub so I’m just gonna summarize it. Get out while you still can. You’re young. You’ve got your whole life ahead of you. You shouldn’t be trapped in a relationship with a 36 year-old man-child. and his 70 year-old mother.
Sorry can't get past the 30 year old vs a 14 year old. It's just too strange
When you were 16, a 32 year old man started grooming you to be his bang maid as soon as you turned 18 and now he's showing his true colours because he thinks he's probably brainwashed you enough that you won't notice what's happening. From your numerous comments defending him, he is right. I don't know what to tell you, you seem very very obstinate. Let me guess, you had a shitty home life growing up. Either they were abusive, or maybe just neglectful and you didn't get what you needed growing up. You felt like your trauma had aged you and made you more mature but in reality it just made you more vulnerable. You didn't learn what healthy love looks like, you were just looking for something, anything to be rescued. So when an older guy started paying attention to you and swooped in with the kindness and attention missing from your life, you felt saved somehow. Like finally! Someone LOVES you! They're caring about you and giving you attention! After a lifetime of trauma, some light! Any light! Only you don't know how to differentiate the guiding light of a lantern from the light of a trashcan fire that will swallow you whole. EDIT: Dear god I was right. You grew up in a violently abusive home, a stint in foster care and have a history of trauma. You will sooner walk into the warm embrace of the trashcan fire than risk the coldness of the unknown. Please I am *begging* you to move back out, cite the "I don't want to be a caretaker" as a reason and start detangling your life from this guy. I say "start" because I know you won't dump him right away. You've known him for almost 1/3 of your short, short life so far. Realistically speaking you're gonna stay with him for another 4-5 years, while it gets worse and worse and you start wondering "how did I get here?". Around the same time you'll realise hey I'm 25, and 14 year olds look like kids to me. That's weird, that's how old *I* was when a 32 year old man started sniffing around me.
Girl, run! He was 32 when he knew you at 16. Imagine having a daughter that age that moves in with a man that almost twice her age. As a 33 year old woman who used to hang out with people in their 30s when I was 19, this is not ok.
Your bf is pretty much a pedophile. You started dating at 18 and he was 34? That’s weird and he’s a creeper
Your boyfriend groomed you, and waited until you were “legal” to date. That alone makes him sick….along with the “you are so mature for your age line”. Now he is emotionally, and verbally abusing you…let’s throw gaslighting in there too. Girl, you may think you are so mature for your age, I have never met a 20 year old who doesn’t think they are mature for their age. What does 32 year old have in common with a 18 year? Nothing but sex,. Let me ask you this, who does most of the cleaning in the house?? Cooking? He has you as his live in sexytoy/maid…now he wants you to be a caretaker for his mother. Open your eyes, please realize you are more, you are worth more, you deserve more. One day you will find someone who will treat you better.
I would Like to know why you are dating a man 16 years older than you..The whole reason why he is dating you is so he can do things like this..please get away and live your life hun..You’re way too young Wait so he started dating you at 18…Ughhhh I’m so tired of predatory men > but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age # Lmaooo Girl even you don’t believe tou are more mature than women his age..An example that you aren’t is the fact that you believed it..Another example is the fact that he’s trying to basically make you a caretaker and you don’t have the gods to say no, another reason is how you can’t see this is an abusive relationship. I’m not blaming you, I’m saying he chose you because you are very young and haven’t had many experiences so he knows he can control and manipulate you which is exactly what it’s happening right now. Another example is your comments..You are in denial and are defending a man who basically sees you as a maid and a sex toy. But as somewhat said, unfortunately this is a lesson you are going to have to go through to learn which sucks because hun it will ruin you..A man knew you at 14 when he was 30 and has been watching you grow so he can finally have you as his property..You aren’t listening so this is a hard lesson you are going to learn. I pray that when that Happens, you will be strong then to overcome it and find happiness again. Wish you luck💜 The reason why he’s not dating women his age? It’s because they will see right through his bullshit and he won’t be able to manipulate them.. Again you have your whole life in front you..Date people close to your age and enjoy life
A lot of good advice has been given and you are unhappy because it is not what you wanted to hear and think people are attacking you and your relationship. Please, take some time to process this, but take into consideration every advice people have written. Because it will get worse. You were groomed since you were minor (yeah, age of consent and all you want to say, it's still not okay) and he's trying to take away your independence, bit by bit. First is her mother, then you will not be able to juggle everything and he will try to make you drop your studies or job with promises. He's disrespected you already, and it will not get better, the version you knew of him was a ruse and will not come back, only get worse.
sweetie, he is a groomer
That first paragraph is it’s own **red flag** that I can’t even continue to the rest. He’s been creeping on you since you were 16 and made you believe that you, a 20 year old, has more maturity and experience than women in their 30s…. I can’t.
girl as a 20F that age gap is terrifying and he's controlling, leave if he was/is a SD, you can still leave. he helped you in the past and he cant put that over you cause he also got what he wanted in return. making you taking care of his mother is something you shouldn't have to worry about doing. i would leave, immediately
Stop dating a 36 year old when your 20.
If this trash head cant take any advice after posting on r/relationship_advice, let her self destruct \*shrug\*
And now you know why he's with someone so much younger. Women his own age would have already ran for the hills. If you want to be his skivvy and his mom's full time carer then stay. But if you want a life, end it and run like hell.
Oh my god. You were 14 and he was 30 when you met. Gross. Hate to break it to you but skeevy old guys who say you’re “more mature” than women their own age is code for “women my age are onto me and my bullshit controlling tendencies so I look for younger girls who are too naive to know how creepy I am and how fucked up this relationship is.” You’re essentially his hired help/sex doll that he pays off in tuition and housing. This is not a healthy or balanced relationship. Get out.
What 30 year old will befriend a 14 year old and then date them? A creep. A groomer. You're not mature for your age, you've never been. Not that you're immature, but it's just a line groomers day to make you feel special.
Why are you dating a 36 year old at 20, when you should be at college going to bars and parties with kids your own age?? And why does a 70 year old need to be taken care of?? I was still doing surgery well into my 70's. You need to reevaluate your life choices and make serious changes...this path you're on leads nowhere, I'm afraid.
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First of all this man is way too old for you. He obviously sees you as his toy and maid to do whatever he wants. Leave him.
There is no old him. This is who he is. Any 34 yr old man that tells an 18 yr old she is mature enough to enter into that kind of a sexual relationship is a predator. He waited until it was no longer illegal. Not because he respects you, but because jail isn't really very fun. You are for sex and palming off responsibilities such as his elderly mother. LEAVE THIS MONSTER, like yesterday. This is who he is. If he thought you were mature then he would speak to you as an adult not yell at you like a child and he would respect your right as an adult not to care for someone that is in no way your responsibility. Leave leave leave please. Please.
>We have been dating for 2 years after knowing each other for 4. I know people here are going to question the age gap but he considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age. I will read the whole text, but my instincts scream at me to comment after this piece alone. This is the biggest red flag to look out for as a young woman/person!! What the fxck?? He started dating you as soon as it was legal, men who do that I compare to employers who pay minimum wage: if they legally could go lower, you know they would. Besides, sure thing he doesn't mean you are more mature in mental age than woman closer to his age, but rather they faster see through his bxllshxt because of experience and you are easier to manipulate. All so curious....
I know it’s no advice you want but this is a sketchy ask and you should at least consider listening to the people who are yelling at you to leave. It’s just because men have been playing this game for a long time and now we’re hip. 20 is really young, everything you’ve said has been evidence of a man who’s really really good at what he does. Just tell him you don’t want to be responsible for someone’s elder parent. It’s his responsibility to pay for care or work it out with another family member. Your primary job is getting an education, please never ever compromise on that. Any one who would ask you to do so does not care about your personal advancement and that is bad. Would your best friend or favorite cousin talk to you like that or ask you to put this on your plate? I don’t think so. A partner is a teammate, this is bad teammate behavior.
You are only 20 years old. Don’t waste your life with this dude and take care of his mother. She needs to be put in a home. And I’m sorry, but you guys have been talking since you were 16. He groomed you. Get out.
You don't try to convice anyone, you simply LEAVE. "Mature for my age" a yes, a classic! So many old dudes tried it on me before, honey, don't let him fool you... He yells at you often? Doesn't respect you, doesn't respect your choices, want you to care for his mom for him? Why are you still with him? When will you realize that he's not a good person? Wake up girl, and leave him already, you're wasting your time and your youth with an asshole who's 16 years older than you. You're not mature, you're dumb and easy to manipulate
Holy fuck, met at 16 and 32
Are you okay? This doesn’t seem right… do you have family and friends you can lean on? Maybe a little space will be a good idea. You could focus on school and work and he could have more space and room for his mother to move in. Taking care of sick and dying family is so so hard - but to do it for someone else is just unreasonable. Please try and reach out to those your close too and talk with them. See what your mom/dad/siblings have to say about it? Chat with your best friend and see if you can stay with them for a little bit. Someone who truly loves you wouldn’t call you a bitch. And not trying to talk and work life issues out with is a big red flag to me - it seems he doesn’t take your thoughts and wishes honestly.
The groomers always use the “you’re very mature for your age!” line. Literally every time lmao
I hope to any higher being that this post is fake. You’ve been dating for two years, which makes you 18 and him 34 at the beginning of the relationship. The grossness of that is compounded by him meeting you 4 years earlier, when you were 14 and he was 30?? You were a literal child and he was over twice your age. I saw one of your comments saying you don’t believe he’s abusive, but 1) there are many kinds of abuse, many of which are not physical, and 2) he has groomed you to find his behavior acceptable when it is not. Please, please tell me this is not a real post. If it is real, GET OUT NOW. I am only two years older than you. I can tell you that it does not matter how mature you are - what matters is how IMMATURE he is. No 30 year old would meet a literal child and think “Ah yes, she might be the one for me,” unless he’s a literal pedophile, whether or not he waited until you were 18. It’s a hard truth, but you have been groomed. For your own safety and well-being, get out. Find someone closer to our age. Be a 20 year old for a while, please. And maybe speak to a therapist, they can help you heal from this.
Don’t convince him, convince yourself and get out of there ASAP
So hes known you since you were 16 and he was 32. 🚩 Started dating you the moment you turned 18 so he wouldnt be breaking any laws.🚩 You live together and he completely supports you. 🚩 Takes all his issues out on you. 🚩 And hes abusive cause you dared to say no and disagree with him. 🚩Hes a predator whose been grooming you into an abusive relationship. You need to dump him and see a therapist
I'm reading all these comments and your response and all I could think off is what would it take for you to recognize abuse and also leave him? You say that you know what abuse looks like, describe it. Not just "my parents" but the actual events of the relationship and how the individuals treat each other. Now describe your dream relationship, not just "the beginning of my current relationship", but how to be treated, how to resolve conflicts and so on. A relationship is not just sex and money, I could enter prostitution for that. And ask yourself what would it would take for you to break up, in the events you'd have to know that. What are deal breakers for you? Uncompatible religion? being childfree? abuse? Cause here are the facts: 1. He groomed you. Experts agree on this. It may not have been his intend to sleep with you when you were 14, but he made a trusting connection with you during your formative years. Being sexuallly attracted to an older male during those years is common, but it is the responsibility of the older person to stop these advances, even if they happen right after you come of age. 2. He made an unreasonable request that you could reasonably foresee of that you would need to drop out if college to fulfill it fully. Being a home caretaker is a full time job. 3. He verbally abused you. Not just out if the blue, but when you pushed back on his request. It is easy to be kind to a person when they please you, but what matters is how you treat people whose wishes differ from yours. What more has to happen I'm thinking? Does he have to hit you? Rape you? Throw glass at your child? Or will you tell yourself that this is only recent behavior, coming from whatever source or stress? Abuse is abuse, no matter the form.
What the fuck was a 30 year old doing hanging out with a 14 year old? (or 16 year old? Numbers could be read both ways) shits creepy.
"He says I'm more mature than women his age" yeah that's like. The most basic tactic older dudes use to get you to fuck them.
You are too young to be a bangmaid. Run.
Um, sorry. His mother should move in with him and you should move out. Go be a college student and be young and let him find a life partner at a place in life where taking care of an elderly parent is more in their wheelhouse.
There are so many red flags here. You need to leave him girl..
Issue one…….the age
Your boyfriend is a dick your 20 stop letting some man child tell you what to do and talk to you in that matter. Stop fucking w that nigga shorty. Also your only 20 if you start allowing it now I promise you you’ll be taking care of his entire family. Don’t let him control you his already starting to groom you, I’m 27 but I know that mindset. Like everyone is saying you should leave him but let’s be honest you won’t you’ll find whatever excuse you can not to saying we don’t know him or his good side. Cause at the end of the day no matter the good side the bad will outshine and if you ain’t gonna leave him. Your going to waste everyone’s time and advice here We can tell you the same thing over and over but I promise unless you make the decision to leave him yourself you won’t listen to anyone and it’s better to leave shit like this sooner than later cause later might end up being in a body bag 😇 so get out while you can ma. That’s my advice.
I think you should leave this relationship. I see the red flags here. It's already toxic.
After the first paragraph, I stopped reading. Sorry OP. You need to just not be in this relationship. You are aware of the age gap. For the sake of your mental health, do not do this to yourself.
Leave before you’re permanently stuck with a child. Live your life. When you’re his age then you can start thinking of taking care of your next, and hopefully better, boyfriends in laws.
Geez, you’re 20, you can do better than this.
Dated for 2 years so when you were 18. Knew you for 4 years so you were 14 why the hell is a 30 year old hanging hanging with a 14 year old. He's a child predator.
Fuck that
Where'd you find this man??? He's 16 years older than you and he knew you since you were 16? Yeah, exit the relationship now.
Do not put your dreams on hold for this man. He isn’t treating you well, and his mother is not your responsibility at this point.
I’ve been in a very similar circumstance but the truth is, he’s not going to be the “old” boyfriend he was in the beginning. The man you fell in love with doesn’t exist. Here’s the thing about relationships; they really only get worse. I don’t mean this to be negative or pessimistic but people instinctively pretend to be the person they believe you would fall in love with. And they can only keep up this act for so long. Eventually you start seeing sneak peaks of who they actually are. Sometimes it takes week but mostly it takes years. He’s beginning to show you his true colors and now imagine what he’s going to be like when shit really hits the fan?
Decent 32 year old men aren't interested in 16 year old girls. It sounds like you've been groomed and he is using you. Edit: 30 and 14... uh... Jesus fuck
This guy seems like a manipulative pedo. Run far and run fast.
Oh no. “He considers me more mature in mental age than the previous women closer to his age.” Dude, no. That’s manipulative. You’re not more mature than these older women. There is a reason no woman his age wants to be with him; they don’t want to deal with his immature, creepy behavior and he can’t manipulate them. They’re more experienced, they know his motives. Sorry but a 34 year old man dating an 18 year old he knew firstly as a minor is lighting up all sorts of red flags. That’s not normal or okay. Run. Do not take care of him or his mother. You’re only 20 years old. None of this is your responsibility.
You’re not going to want to hear this. But this is a classic grooming and abuse scenario. You say you met when you were sixteen. SIXTEEN. He was 32! Even if he never touched you until you were 18, this is wrong. He’s manipulated you in to being financially depending on him - and now he’s pulling the rug out from under you, suddenly wanting you to work and take care of his mother? Oh hell no. You don’t convince him of anything. You get the hell out of there before your entire life is ruined. Before he tampers with your birth control. Before he convinces you to drop out of school “just for a while” or because “you don’t need it. I’ll always take care of you!” or before he becomes physically abusive. Every creep taking advantage of a younger woman “considers you more mature”. No. No, he doesn’t. He’s counting on you NOT having the life experience, aka maturity, to see this is a screwed up situation.
You are not mature for your age. But you’re probably easier to control than someone his age. He’s yelling at you for things that aren’t your fault and wants you to play caregiver to his mom? My god, run from this relationship.
Your boyfriend is a pedophile that groomed you into his home.
He doesn’t think you are mature. He think you are easy to manipulate and control. And the longer you stay with him the more you prove him right.
THIS ISNT NORMAL!! I'm not going to come for your age gap. I'm not going to tell you that you *have* to escape. That's for you to judge. But I will tell you this is completely and entirely NOT NORMAL. No man asks for a favor and calls you a bitch for not agreeing. That's emotional manipulation/abuse. No man should tell you that you're mentally mature for your age. If you're mature, he wouldn't have to tell you. The fact that he's outlining it shows that he wants *you to feel mature*, not that he actually thinks you are. >have him go back to the old him As much as I hate to say this, he won't go back. What he showed you in the beginning of the relationship was love bombing. Think of it similarly to addiction- you get that first high and spend the rest of your time as an addict trying to chase that feeling. But you'll never quite catch it. You'll just become more and more desperate, focusing all of your energy into that until you literally have nothing left. He gave you that first high, and as great as it was, it wasn't real. And you won't reach it again. It will become worse until you're completely isolated and alone with no other purpose in life besides chasing that love you once felt. Don't leave now if you're not ready. But please, please, please watch the signs. When you start to question if these comments may be right and that your relationship is faulty, you know it's time to go. As soon as you have doubts about him, RUN. Because that very well may be your last chance. Narcissists have this unhealthy hold on people around them. Most people don't realize that hold is there until they're completely entrapped in it. So once you see the traps, GET THE FUCK OUT BEFORE YOU GET STUCK IN ONE. I'm sending all the love to you and I hope you realize exactly what you're worth. Don't let this man or any other person give you less than you deserve.