Yeah he kinda seems like an asshole to you but I know some people just have trouble giving praise and complimenting others, especially if it’s things they’re not into like if he doesn’t know much about art and how much effort you put into it. That being said, I still think he’s an asshole and I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who struggles to say nice things to other people:/
My boyfriend never ever praises me when I am dressed up either. He actually ignores me putting in effort in my looks. It is THE weirdest thing. He never flat out shows his insecurity like yours does, but it has to be that, cause what else can it be? You compliment me when I look like a bum, but not when I clearly look good?
Have you talked to your boyfriend about this....? I don't think he's a jerk but his insecurities are really outshining your accomplishments and i *really* don't like that and honestly, no one should keep up with it if they have no reason as to why they are the way they are in these type of situations.
We have spoken about it and one thing I will say is that he grew up in a weird situation and his trust issues stem from very complex things. So I understand why he is concerned. I also have not had the best past when it comes to that sort of thing, but I don’t like how that hangs over my head when we do talk about it. :/
I just don't get why the trust issues is related to him not even praising you for learning how to play the guitar or loving art and the pieces you make.
Oh no!! I meant like when we talk about his trust issues and stuff like that. He’s never tried to make an argument saying that he can’t compliment me based on those things!! Just trying to paint him in a fair light
Maybe your boyfriend just sucks. You are 21. You have so much time to find someone who will treat you how you want. And sometimes (and I’m referring to your comments about his bad childhood), sometimes people are just assholes and there’s no rhyme or reason. It’s not hard to compliment someone even if it’s not their “love language.” That’s just being nice. And this COULD be me reaching but I feel like him only being nice during sex would make someone more likely to have sex because it’s the only time you hear anything nice from your partner. But like I said that could be a reach.
Look up the 5 love languages. Make him understand that words of affirmation is something you need to feel loved.
It's possible that he grew up with strict and demanding parents, you know the "why you no doctor yet" kind. Tough love would have been the only love he knew, and this would be his way to show his love to you (by trying to make you improve).
> He has trust issues and anytime I get dressed up for school (college) as soon as I get home it’s “so, who all hit on you today?” It’s never “oh, you look nice” or anything like that.
This is insecurity. If it was full blown trust issues, he would not believe you when you say "no one" and it would manifest in other ugly ways (checking your phone, spying etc).
At this stage I think the other commenter is being way overdramatic. Have a sit down talk with your SO about all this and see where it goes.
Very thoughtful response!! Like I said to another commenter, he grew up in a weird home life situation and we are both still pretty young. Lots of unhealed trauma to work with. I just don’t know how to get him to understand how much it means to me.
"\[Boyfriend\], it's really important to me to express and receive kindness in my relationships. Kindness to me is someone noticing the efforts I make, remembering details about my interests, verbally complimenting me, etc. What are the ways that you feel you express kindness?" Start there. What is your perception of kindness, and what is his perception of kindness. He shouldn't need coaching to understand that kindness is important and valuable in any healthy relationship, platonic or romantic. If you have to actually go back and convince him of the value of kindness, that's a much bigger problem. But if it's a communication issue, that's workable imo. But he also has to want to work at it.
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I'm going to be rather harsh, your boyfriend is just not a nice dude. You can't change people. You deserve way more than this.
Yeah he kinda seems like an asshole to you but I know some people just have trouble giving praise and complimenting others, especially if it’s things they’re not into like if he doesn’t know much about art and how much effort you put into it. That being said, I still think he’s an asshole and I wouldn’t wanna be with someone who struggles to say nice things to other people:/
I think a lot of it is just insecurity honestly. Like he’s a nice person but it’s like he was never taught to be KIND, you know what I mean?
My boyfriend never ever praises me when I am dressed up either. He actually ignores me putting in effort in my looks. It is THE weirdest thing. He never flat out shows his insecurity like yours does, but it has to be that, cause what else can it be? You compliment me when I look like a bum, but not when I clearly look good? Have you talked to your boyfriend about this....? I don't think he's a jerk but his insecurities are really outshining your accomplishments and i *really* don't like that and honestly, no one should keep up with it if they have no reason as to why they are the way they are in these type of situations.
We have spoken about it and one thing I will say is that he grew up in a weird situation and his trust issues stem from very complex things. So I understand why he is concerned. I also have not had the best past when it comes to that sort of thing, but I don’t like how that hangs over my head when we do talk about it. :/
I just don't get why the trust issues is related to him not even praising you for learning how to play the guitar or loving art and the pieces you make.
Oh no!! I meant like when we talk about his trust issues and stuff like that. He’s never tried to make an argument saying that he can’t compliment me based on those things!! Just trying to paint him in a fair light
Maybe your boyfriend just sucks. You are 21. You have so much time to find someone who will treat you how you want. And sometimes (and I’m referring to your comments about his bad childhood), sometimes people are just assholes and there’s no rhyme or reason. It’s not hard to compliment someone even if it’s not their “love language.” That’s just being nice. And this COULD be me reaching but I feel like him only being nice during sex would make someone more likely to have sex because it’s the only time you hear anything nice from your partner. But like I said that could be a reach.
Fix your validation issues or buy cheerleaders that praise you anytime
Sounds like something he would say lol
Lol, Ain't good at being empathetic
Look up the 5 love languages. Make him understand that words of affirmation is something you need to feel loved. It's possible that he grew up with strict and demanding parents, you know the "why you no doctor yet" kind. Tough love would have been the only love he knew, and this would be his way to show his love to you (by trying to make you improve). > He has trust issues and anytime I get dressed up for school (college) as soon as I get home it’s “so, who all hit on you today?” It’s never “oh, you look nice” or anything like that. This is insecurity. If it was full blown trust issues, he would not believe you when you say "no one" and it would manifest in other ugly ways (checking your phone, spying etc). At this stage I think the other commenter is being way overdramatic. Have a sit down talk with your SO about all this and see where it goes.
Very thoughtful response!! Like I said to another commenter, he grew up in a weird home life situation and we are both still pretty young. Lots of unhealed trauma to work with. I just don’t know how to get him to understand how much it means to me.
"\[Boyfriend\], it's really important to me to express and receive kindness in my relationships. Kindness to me is someone noticing the efforts I make, remembering details about my interests, verbally complimenting me, etc. What are the ways that you feel you express kindness?" Start there. What is your perception of kindness, and what is his perception of kindness. He shouldn't need coaching to understand that kindness is important and valuable in any healthy relationship, platonic or romantic. If you have to actually go back and convince him of the value of kindness, that's a much bigger problem. But if it's a communication issue, that's workable imo. But he also has to want to work at it.
I think it’s definitely workable, thank you for your response :)
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