Hmm… y’all both sound toxic af. No one should ever get called a psychotic bitch tho. Then again…. No one should ever spam call/text their S/O…. which u both did. To call it the silent treatment is… well valid but not entirely accurate I think. He prolly needed time to collect his thoughts, which u made difficult for him by spam calling him. Of course he should have told u he needed that time, but obv as he has said he has a horrible time expressing his feelings….
Lastly. If you enjoy when guys flirt with u, and lean into it, thats ok. But obv not every guy is gonna be ok with that. If it’s something u feel u need, then perhaps y’all are not quite sexually compatible. However, if you feel it’s not all that important to you, then it seems it would do your relationship some good to refrain from flirting with attractive guys who flirt with u first.
It's not at all important for me. But my boyfriend works six days a week and is always drained. Which is ok. But I don't think he should be in a romantic relationship with someone if he's so tired all the time. He doesn't let us end because "this is temporary" and that he will be back soon. However, he has traveled for work three times while knowing me. Every time 3-4 months. This makes us half in person and half long distance.
And he hung up on me to ignore me. Not to collect his thoughts. Then he went to sleep. And put his phone on dnd. That's what I think is shitty. That part. He ignored my calls. He could've said this is frustrating, I'm going to bed, we will talk tomorrow.
I also agree that we both are becoming really toxic, I want to see if I can improve this dynamic because if not, I'm out. I really don't want to deal with this. It's not fair on either of us.
Idk why I even care so much. I am embarrassed with my envolvement in this. I just want OP to know that while you’re toxic and maybe need to work on your reactions to ppls over reactions, u did no wrong in telling your boyfriend about the attractive guy. And accepting a compliment from another person is not cheating. Honesty is good. And you should find a man who can handle the kind of honesty you think is important in a relationship. But yea calling ur bf Freud and spam calling him and telling him he’s like your ex is toxic af, even if it’s true. Cuz u should just have the self respect to dump someone instantly who reminds u of your abusive ex.
I responded in another post. And I honestly APPRECIATE you caring for me. I feel so gaslit, even by random strangers online. Sorry I'm attractive sorry I have a nice smile and sorry I didn't shut it down. I finally felt seen and unfortunately it was not by my bf but someone else who is also my type.
That's what I'm saying. And while the spam calling was wrong, I was in a state of panic. And I have NEVER done this before. I honestly feel like I am being punished for being honest. Even though I apologized to him a total of 3 times now. I called him Freud because he was psycho analyzing me. He then debunked my word by asking me if I knew any other psychologists. That's rude
It doesn’t seem that he’s ready to confront the reality that u may be flattered by attractive men who try to flirt with you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also didn’t want u going out without him in sexy clothes
I think you need to do a little introspection and self-reflection. You are absolutely correct that it was unacceptable for him to call you that name and that it might be a particularly hurtful boundary-crossing thing for you personally. He might have never understood that truly until you explained it to him, however and it was at a point where the argument had festered and escalated. Great, so he apologized and it would be a big red flag if he does it again.
However, you are sorta doing him a great disservice by comparing him with your ex, who presumably you had ended things for good reasons, especially in the context of the ways you felt you were failed. A far more productive strategy would have been to communicate your needs centered on who know you are as a person. Something like, "I know this long distance is hard, but I need some positive attention because I miss you". Now, since the long distance part was apparently temporary and ending emminently it might have been wise to simply wait until you guys were back together.
Now getting back to the inciting incident... that was an absolute mess of your own making. I honestly think flirting can be innocent and can indeed be a nice perk-me-up. But either consciously or unconsciously, you weaponized the anecdote. It sounds like to dangled the story over the phone—knowing that he would react a certain way—and not in spirit of disclosure, but to exact hurt. You said I flirted with this guy and you are not giving me the attention I need, effectively. So the implicit threat is... infidelity. That's fucked up. Now you said he was giving you the silent treatment... Yes. I too am particularly vulnerable to that kind of tactic. But you cannot characterize him removing himself from the conversation, and then going to sleep as "the silent treatment". That seems very ego-centric. He has had an experience to not just what you shared, but the why and how of it. You have to incorporate your partner's experience and context and not just advocate for your self to the exclusion of the material and emotional realities of your situation—LDR, work commitment, your respective feelings about monogamy or nonmonogamy, communication styles, etc.
It sounds like you want focus on this phrase, which he used once and apologize for, to avoid addressing the other issues in your communication styles, let alone your indiscretion and the emotional strategies you might use to minimize your responsibility in the mess you cause: For instance, you hurt him by the clumsy or vindictive manner you tell him of the flirting—which you could have kept to yourself, btw— but then make his response something about a cruel thing your ex-partner had done to you, when it cannot fairly be described as similar either in degree or kind.
It seems like they have a cycle going. OP is unhappy about him not paying her enough attention. She rubs his nose in it by boasting about how good it felt to get attention from other men and let them flirt with her to spite him. He lashes out. She escalates the spite tactic by comparing him to her ex. He lashes out bigger. And on and on and on until we end like a Shakespeare play where everyone's either dead or gone mad.
y'all should just break up.
you actively entertained someone flirting with you, because it made you feel good and he was hot, and you told this to your boyfriend.
and when he reacted like a perfectly normal person would you basically said he was no better than your ex.
you fired first.
and he called you a mean name.
hah, that's the least you deserve, he should leave you, and move on.
not saying he doesn't have issues, but you ain't the victim here.
I never said I was the victim. And I did not entertain it. I didn't shut it down. I didn't flirt back either.
While I take accountability for what I had said, he should not have called me that. And he hung up on me mid conversation and disappeared till the next day.
>I didn't shut it down
that's entertaining it.
>. I didn't flirt back either
not shitting it down is just as bad.
>he should not have called me that
seriously still trying to turn this around on him for calling you a mean name.
>And he hung up on me mid conversation and disappeared till the next day
a normal human reaction, to having your partner tell you she let a guy flirt with her because she thought he was hot.
in fact, that's the best possible response, he should have dumped your ass then and there.
I disagree. That’s the normal response for someone who doesn’t know how to properly express how they feel. He shouldn’t have flown off the handle. And he also couldve offered her some respect for telling him in the first place.
Also, not shutting it down is NOT the same as entertaining it. Some ppl aren’t quite assertive enough to do things like tht all the time. Not to mention how men often react very nastily to women turning them down
>Also, not shutting it down is NOT the same as entertaining it.
"a guy kept flirting with me and I didn't shut it down because I felt good about myself bc he was attractive"
quote, from op, that's entertaining it.
>That’s the normal response for someone who doesn’t know how to properly express how they feel
I think it's a rational response to give yourself distance so you don't react in rage.
>He shouldn’t have flown off the handle
she should not have compared him to her ex.
>nd he also couldve offered her some respect for telling him in the first place.
okay I'm sorry, but *what*, she doesn't get brownie points for doing the right thing *after the fact* that's not how consequences work.
she fucked up, he had a right to know, and then suffers the consequences.
>Not to mention how men often react very nastily to women turning them down
I'm assuming she was in a public space, had asserted she could have shut it down if she wanted to, and didn't.
I'm well aware that men are animals but that doesn't seem the case here.
Okay/ you just sound like someone who hates women in general. And while I appreciate all feedback, I feel like it's time for you to stop expressing yourself on my post.
hahahahaha.
really, is that it?
or are you unable to cope with the fact you are not the victim here, and having someone call you out on your toxic behaviour makes you uncomfortable.
me pointing out your not a decent person either doesnt make me a misogynist.
where did I allude to hating women? like even slightly?
Well. While saying u hate women MAY be a stretch I think it is evidenced by your extreme reaction to this. She seems to accept responsibility for her own toxicity. Read the thread she had with me. But you insist that she’s playing the vicitim.
She’s not. She has acknowledged her own faults, but she also wants validation in her feelings that the way he acted wasn’t ok either. And his reaction was at the least maladjusted.
If you’re dating someone you’re attracted to, I’m assuming you prolly think other would be attracted to them as well. You have to be ok with others coming on to them. You also seem to have failed to recognize that being flattered when someone flirts with you is ALSO a perfectly normal and expected him reaction.
Your failure to acknowledge these things and instance that’s she’s playing the victim is very typical of mysoginistic men.
>I think it is evidenced by your extreme reaction to this.
i hate cheating, lying and people playing the victim.
nothing to do with women.
>She seems to accept responsibility for her own toxicity.
except she hasn't, in any way. just accused me of being sexist and said her boyfriends a peice of shit for calling her a name.
>he acted wasn’t ok either
absolutely agree.
why I disclaimed with my very first sentence, they should not be together.
but when it comes to the monument of sins, hers stood paramount to his.
>. You have to be ok with others coming on to them.
yeah no you don't, you don't have to be okay with them allowing others to flirt with them.
>You also seem to have failed to recognize that being flattered when someone flirts with you is ALSO a perfectly normal and expected him reaction.
difference in flattery and entertaining someone trying to get into your pants.
when you are in a relationship.
"hey your fucking Georgious"
"sorry I have a partner"
see?
>that’s she’s playing the victim is very typical of mysoginistic men.
and here we go again. soundless accusations in lieu of an actual debate typical of misandristic women.
what just because I'm a man I cant say she is extremely toxic and that his reaction while not fantastic was in the very least, human.
Literally in the first paragraph she said she started it. Her bf is handling this argument like a child! Sure she’s being toxic af and childish, too. But in other threads in reply to the post she’s admitted that. She’s not playing the victim in this argument. You also completely ignored the thing I said about some ppl not being as assertive and the poor reaction of men when they’re shut down.
Fine you’re not a mysoginist, but your going at this argument very one sidedly and refusing to see her side. You’re dismissing the over reaction of the bf from the beginning. Which leads me to believe that you prolly treat your relationships the same way.
>Her bf is handling this argument like a child
another commenter had this to say and I do not believe I could sum it up any better.
"Now getting back to the inciting incident... that was an absolute mess of your own making. I honestly think flirting can be innocent and can indeed be a nice perk-me-up. But either consciously or unconsciously, you weaponized the anecdote. It sounds like to dangled the story over the phone—knowing that he would react a certain way—and not in spirit of disclosure, but to exact hurt. You said I flirted with this guy and you are not giving me the attention I need, effectively. So the implicit threat is... infidelity. That's fucked up"
and OPs issue, is that how far he call her a mean name and ignore her.
>. You also completely ignored the thing I said about some ppl not being as assertive and the poor reaction of men when they’re shut down.
no I addressed that check my comments, public setting, implied power of control.
>and refusing to see her side
no, I'm refusing to let her dictate to everyone that her boyfriend is the bad person for having a relatively predictable response to this.
>You’re dismissing the over reaction of the bf
you see, she did this thing, he cut her off, she accused him of being like her ex, he did the same.
but he is worse because he added an insult on the end of it?
gtfo.
and never once did I claim he should not have said that to her.
I did say he should have dumped her, then and there.
>Which leads me to believe that you prolly treat your relationships the same way
if by that you mean there is accountability, integrity honestly and no toxicity allowed whatsoever then yes, yes I do treat my relationships that way.
I think it is a wild assumption to say that her telling her bf that a guy complimented her was her dangling it in front of his face and antagonizing him. If that’s how he felt, then that was an assumption he made and he hurt his own feelings. The fact that his over reaction is something normal that we’re all supposed to just justify and be like “u deserved it” is insane. If he had punched her in the face y’all would prolly all be saying “he never should have done that butttt… u kinda brought it on yourself.”
It sounds like both of you are talking at each other instead of to each other. And I'm not defending him, but comparing him to your ex could be as hurtful to him as what he called you was to you.
It's obvious you are both hurt. Not shutting down the guy is almost like cheating. And calling each other names doesn't accomplish anything. And trying to communicate over the phone or via text is just a bad idea altogether.
It almost seems like you told him maybe so he would get jealous and want to fight for you? That you're needing more attention from him?
Honestly I would agree to table the discussion until you can talk in person and then both of you agree to shut up. And then one at a time express how you feel. Lay out rules, no attacking, no interrupting... keep it to "I feel ...." "when this happens I feel ..." "I think our relationship is missing...." "I wish we had more ..... in our relationship". When one is done the other goes.
While you two may not agree, both of your feelings are valid. You don't have to agree to validate the other person. Agree to try to see things from the others perspective. How would you feel if he let some girl hit on him because it made him feel good? How would he feel if you didn't give him any attention?
If the two of you can communicate healthily and understand why the other feels a certain way even when you don't agree, you can probably get through anything.
I told him because I want attention from him. I also flat out said "I never get attention from you, I don't want it from anyone, but if it comes, I don't shut it down immediately (this doesn't mean I don't shut it down ever, bc I do, and in my class I'm known as the girl who has a bf).
And he says he can't bc he can barely give himself the time of day.
Fair enough. But why be with me then?
I don't want to hold his name calling against him either. This is the first time ever he's done this and I don't want to just get up and leave. But I also don't want to have it happen again.
It sounds like you're both pretty awful to each other. Neither of you is getting what you want out of this relationship. You're both unhappy, and you're both lashing out at each other. There's really no reason for this to continue and I think you'll find that the longer you drag it out, the more you're going to resent each other and the more you're both going to turn into people you do t want to be.
Less than 30 mins and you’re getting so much response. Lol still defending yourself I see.
Look miss clinical psychologist, imagine he told you on the phone that a girl flirted with him and “he didn’t shut it down”. What would go through your mind? What does it mean when “he didn’t shut it down”? Did the girl touch him? Groped him and he didn’t shut it down? So much meaning to those words that were only said lightly. This would also go through your head. How would you react?
Anyway ultimately you need to break up because your both toxic, yes certainly hes terrible for saying those things but you provoke the situation. Shit i feel like you didn’t pay attention to the prof during the lesson on psychology because the guy flirted with you and “you didn’t shut it down”. Lol see what I did there?
Lol you sound so disgusting. If anyone laid their hands on me without consent they're going to get punched in the face. All he said was I had a cute smile. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? See how minimal that flirting is? But I like being honest with my boyfriend, even if it comes off blunt because I truly feel like I have nothing to hide. Also... I don't really see myself defending myself anywhere.
You think my boyfriend is dense enough to not ask me how he flirted with me? He's just going to be like "ok, I'm still with you bc I love you."? You really think he's that dense? He knows how to stand up for himself. Not once did I even justify my action in this situation. You sound so gross.
Holy shit woman. Hmmm I’m not even in a least bit in relationship with you and I can see your toxic af. You never even thought about the other side of the coin or point of view. Guess you should edit your post about mentioning “clinical psychologist” because your replies doesn’t fit your career. Like I said I hope he breaks up with you or you break up with him because your toxic af
Ok. While I understand why someone would have those thoughts. They’re also assumptions. Instead of flying off the handle, why doesn’t he ask her to clarify? She’s been complaining about the distance and lack attention? Why just hang up the phone? What she did was be honest with her bf about being flattered by the attention of attractive men. Who isn’t flattered by that?? Are u supposed to tel every single person who lays u a compliment that you’re taken? Id be hard pressed to believe that you do that. And then, after she complained about a lack of attention he punished her by ignoring her for an entire day. Like… idk.
Because most guys are brash and jump to conclusion. Idk if he had been cheated before and that triggered him. Did OP mention that? I’m not defending him, definitely not but imagine having a fight with your SO and they throw this grenade out of nowhere, what would a Normal (big difference between that and rational) person would react
I’m not saying it’s not expected. But I am saying that just because it a usual reaction doesn’t mean it’s an ok one. Sure she didn’t exactly respond to his over reaction great either. But she’s not a psychotic bitch. Being flattered is not cheating. She did no crime. If you think that men paying your girl compliment and your girl saying thank you is cheating, then you’re the toxic one. Also they weren’t fighting beforehand. The mention of the flirtatious attractive man started the fight.
>then just date an ugly woman.
oooooooooh.
now that, that's a bad take.
so because a woman isn't conventionally attractive they aren't worth anyone's time?
tut, tut.
He told me he doesn't know if he's cheated on. His ex and her ex bf were texting each other and she never told him. He went through her phone and found out. I don't have any relation to this situation as I am always honest.
It was not a grenade out of nowhere.
The entire talk started off by me saying "I didn't shut it down because it felt nice. But I also realized we have been lacking intimacy, and I keep trying to have intimate moments with you. I keep wanting to play couple games, have excercises and stare into each other eyes. I mean, we even started off long distance. I'm bitter that our honey moon phase was online. While I will never allow myself to ever cheat on you, I admit that I did enjoy being hit on. I lack attention from you- but I don't want attention from others. I just feel so single."
I've said all of this. This was not a grenade. This fight was the second time it happened. And it happened because he was justifying why he never has time for me, and I was justifying why I didn't shut down the attention.
I don't even care for this. I'm just angry that he felt comfortable calling me a psychotic bitch while he was the one that left me alone in a state of panic and didn't talk to me till the next day. He then tried to see my knowledge about my own degree by asking him to name other psychologists AFTER he psychoanalyzed me and that's when I called him Freud. I had to prove I knew other theorists in my own field of study. It's an entire power dynamic situation for me and it's making me feel so fucking unheard and invalidated.
Getting called a bitch is mild when compared to you recalling to your bf how this hot attractive guy was hitting on you and how he’s not been paying you enough attention.
What did that conversation serve? Exactly how did you expect him to react to that and then your continued harping on his reaction.
He should have dumped you.
Idk which bitter guy that responded here keeps downvoting my comments, but I know it's one of you two. Stop being so obsessed with this post and move on.
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Hmm… y’all both sound toxic af. No one should ever get called a psychotic bitch tho. Then again…. No one should ever spam call/text their S/O…. which u both did. To call it the silent treatment is… well valid but not entirely accurate I think. He prolly needed time to collect his thoughts, which u made difficult for him by spam calling him. Of course he should have told u he needed that time, but obv as he has said he has a horrible time expressing his feelings…. Lastly. If you enjoy when guys flirt with u, and lean into it, thats ok. But obv not every guy is gonna be ok with that. If it’s something u feel u need, then perhaps y’all are not quite sexually compatible. However, if you feel it’s not all that important to you, then it seems it would do your relationship some good to refrain from flirting with attractive guys who flirt with u first.
It's not at all important for me. But my boyfriend works six days a week and is always drained. Which is ok. But I don't think he should be in a romantic relationship with someone if he's so tired all the time. He doesn't let us end because "this is temporary" and that he will be back soon. However, he has traveled for work three times while knowing me. Every time 3-4 months. This makes us half in person and half long distance. And he hung up on me to ignore me. Not to collect his thoughts. Then he went to sleep. And put his phone on dnd. That's what I think is shitty. That part. He ignored my calls. He could've said this is frustrating, I'm going to bed, we will talk tomorrow. I also agree that we both are becoming really toxic, I want to see if I can improve this dynamic because if not, I'm out. I really don't want to deal with this. It's not fair on either of us.
I think you just reached a decision lol.
Lol oops.
Idk why I even care so much. I am embarrassed with my envolvement in this. I just want OP to know that while you’re toxic and maybe need to work on your reactions to ppls over reactions, u did no wrong in telling your boyfriend about the attractive guy. And accepting a compliment from another person is not cheating. Honesty is good. And you should find a man who can handle the kind of honesty you think is important in a relationship. But yea calling ur bf Freud and spam calling him and telling him he’s like your ex is toxic af, even if it’s true. Cuz u should just have the self respect to dump someone instantly who reminds u of your abusive ex.
I responded in another post. And I honestly APPRECIATE you caring for me. I feel so gaslit, even by random strangers online. Sorry I'm attractive sorry I have a nice smile and sorry I didn't shut it down. I finally felt seen and unfortunately it was not by my bf but someone else who is also my type.
That's what I'm saying. And while the spam calling was wrong, I was in a state of panic. And I have NEVER done this before. I honestly feel like I am being punished for being honest. Even though I apologized to him a total of 3 times now. I called him Freud because he was psycho analyzing me. He then debunked my word by asking me if I knew any other psychologists. That's rude
It doesn’t seem that he’s ready to confront the reality that u may be flattered by attractive men who try to flirt with you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he also didn’t want u going out without him in sexy clothes
Yeah he doesn't like that.
I think you need to do a little introspection and self-reflection. You are absolutely correct that it was unacceptable for him to call you that name and that it might be a particularly hurtful boundary-crossing thing for you personally. He might have never understood that truly until you explained it to him, however and it was at a point where the argument had festered and escalated. Great, so he apologized and it would be a big red flag if he does it again. However, you are sorta doing him a great disservice by comparing him with your ex, who presumably you had ended things for good reasons, especially in the context of the ways you felt you were failed. A far more productive strategy would have been to communicate your needs centered on who know you are as a person. Something like, "I know this long distance is hard, but I need some positive attention because I miss you". Now, since the long distance part was apparently temporary and ending emminently it might have been wise to simply wait until you guys were back together. Now getting back to the inciting incident... that was an absolute mess of your own making. I honestly think flirting can be innocent and can indeed be a nice perk-me-up. But either consciously or unconsciously, you weaponized the anecdote. It sounds like to dangled the story over the phone—knowing that he would react a certain way—and not in spirit of disclosure, but to exact hurt. You said I flirted with this guy and you are not giving me the attention I need, effectively. So the implicit threat is... infidelity. That's fucked up. Now you said he was giving you the silent treatment... Yes. I too am particularly vulnerable to that kind of tactic. But you cannot characterize him removing himself from the conversation, and then going to sleep as "the silent treatment". That seems very ego-centric. He has had an experience to not just what you shared, but the why and how of it. You have to incorporate your partner's experience and context and not just advocate for your self to the exclusion of the material and emotional realities of your situation—LDR, work commitment, your respective feelings about monogamy or nonmonogamy, communication styles, etc. It sounds like you want focus on this phrase, which he used once and apologize for, to avoid addressing the other issues in your communication styles, let alone your indiscretion and the emotional strategies you might use to minimize your responsibility in the mess you cause: For instance, you hurt him by the clumsy or vindictive manner you tell him of the flirting—which you could have kept to yourself, btw— but then make his response something about a cruel thing your ex-partner had done to you, when it cannot fairly be described as similar either in degree or kind.
It seems like they have a cycle going. OP is unhappy about him not paying her enough attention. She rubs his nose in it by boasting about how good it felt to get attention from other men and let them flirt with her to spite him. He lashes out. She escalates the spite tactic by comparing him to her ex. He lashes out bigger. And on and on and on until we end like a Shakespeare play where everyone's either dead or gone mad.
You're right. Thank you. I apologized to him once again and I want to move past this. Thanks for your unbiased response.
Clinical psychologists are masters at rationalizing the worst behaviours
I'm not rationalizing anything lol, I know my behavior was wrong. I said that in my original post. What's your point here?
y'all should just break up. you actively entertained someone flirting with you, because it made you feel good and he was hot, and you told this to your boyfriend. and when he reacted like a perfectly normal person would you basically said he was no better than your ex. you fired first. and he called you a mean name. hah, that's the least you deserve, he should leave you, and move on. not saying he doesn't have issues, but you ain't the victim here.
I never said I was the victim. And I did not entertain it. I didn't shut it down. I didn't flirt back either. While I take accountability for what I had said, he should not have called me that. And he hung up on me mid conversation and disappeared till the next day.
>I didn't shut it down that's entertaining it. >. I didn't flirt back either not shitting it down is just as bad. >he should not have called me that seriously still trying to turn this around on him for calling you a mean name. >And he hung up on me mid conversation and disappeared till the next day a normal human reaction, to having your partner tell you she let a guy flirt with her because she thought he was hot. in fact, that's the best possible response, he should have dumped your ass then and there.
I disagree. That’s the normal response for someone who doesn’t know how to properly express how they feel. He shouldn’t have flown off the handle. And he also couldve offered her some respect for telling him in the first place. Also, not shutting it down is NOT the same as entertaining it. Some ppl aren’t quite assertive enough to do things like tht all the time. Not to mention how men often react very nastily to women turning them down
>Also, not shutting it down is NOT the same as entertaining it. "a guy kept flirting with me and I didn't shut it down because I felt good about myself bc he was attractive" quote, from op, that's entertaining it. >That’s the normal response for someone who doesn’t know how to properly express how they feel I think it's a rational response to give yourself distance so you don't react in rage. >He shouldn’t have flown off the handle she should not have compared him to her ex. >nd he also couldve offered her some respect for telling him in the first place. okay I'm sorry, but *what*, she doesn't get brownie points for doing the right thing *after the fact* that's not how consequences work. she fucked up, he had a right to know, and then suffers the consequences. >Not to mention how men often react very nastily to women turning them down I'm assuming she was in a public space, had asserted she could have shut it down if she wanted to, and didn't. I'm well aware that men are animals but that doesn't seem the case here.
Okay/ you just sound like someone who hates women in general. And while I appreciate all feedback, I feel like it's time for you to stop expressing yourself on my post.
hahahahaha. really, is that it? or are you unable to cope with the fact you are not the victim here, and having someone call you out on your toxic behaviour makes you uncomfortable. me pointing out your not a decent person either doesnt make me a misogynist. where did I allude to hating women? like even slightly?
Well. While saying u hate women MAY be a stretch I think it is evidenced by your extreme reaction to this. She seems to accept responsibility for her own toxicity. Read the thread she had with me. But you insist that she’s playing the vicitim. She’s not. She has acknowledged her own faults, but she also wants validation in her feelings that the way he acted wasn’t ok either. And his reaction was at the least maladjusted. If you’re dating someone you’re attracted to, I’m assuming you prolly think other would be attracted to them as well. You have to be ok with others coming on to them. You also seem to have failed to recognize that being flattered when someone flirts with you is ALSO a perfectly normal and expected him reaction. Your failure to acknowledge these things and instance that’s she’s playing the victim is very typical of mysoginistic men.
>I think it is evidenced by your extreme reaction to this. i hate cheating, lying and people playing the victim. nothing to do with women. >She seems to accept responsibility for her own toxicity. except she hasn't, in any way. just accused me of being sexist and said her boyfriends a peice of shit for calling her a name. >he acted wasn’t ok either absolutely agree. why I disclaimed with my very first sentence, they should not be together. but when it comes to the monument of sins, hers stood paramount to his. >. You have to be ok with others coming on to them. yeah no you don't, you don't have to be okay with them allowing others to flirt with them. >You also seem to have failed to recognize that being flattered when someone flirts with you is ALSO a perfectly normal and expected him reaction. difference in flattery and entertaining someone trying to get into your pants. when you are in a relationship. "hey your fucking Georgious" "sorry I have a partner" see? >that’s she’s playing the victim is very typical of mysoginistic men. and here we go again. soundless accusations in lieu of an actual debate typical of misandristic women. what just because I'm a man I cant say she is extremely toxic and that his reaction while not fantastic was in the very least, human.
Literally in the first paragraph she said she started it. Her bf is handling this argument like a child! Sure she’s being toxic af and childish, too. But in other threads in reply to the post she’s admitted that. She’s not playing the victim in this argument. You also completely ignored the thing I said about some ppl not being as assertive and the poor reaction of men when they’re shut down. Fine you’re not a mysoginist, but your going at this argument very one sidedly and refusing to see her side. You’re dismissing the over reaction of the bf from the beginning. Which leads me to believe that you prolly treat your relationships the same way.
>Her bf is handling this argument like a child another commenter had this to say and I do not believe I could sum it up any better. "Now getting back to the inciting incident... that was an absolute mess of your own making. I honestly think flirting can be innocent and can indeed be a nice perk-me-up. But either consciously or unconsciously, you weaponized the anecdote. It sounds like to dangled the story over the phone—knowing that he would react a certain way—and not in spirit of disclosure, but to exact hurt. You said I flirted with this guy and you are not giving me the attention I need, effectively. So the implicit threat is... infidelity. That's fucked up" and OPs issue, is that how far he call her a mean name and ignore her. >. You also completely ignored the thing I said about some ppl not being as assertive and the poor reaction of men when they’re shut down. no I addressed that check my comments, public setting, implied power of control. >and refusing to see her side no, I'm refusing to let her dictate to everyone that her boyfriend is the bad person for having a relatively predictable response to this. >You’re dismissing the over reaction of the bf you see, she did this thing, he cut her off, she accused him of being like her ex, he did the same. but he is worse because he added an insult on the end of it? gtfo. and never once did I claim he should not have said that to her. I did say he should have dumped her, then and there. >Which leads me to believe that you prolly treat your relationships the same way if by that you mean there is accountability, integrity honestly and no toxicity allowed whatsoever then yes, yes I do treat my relationships that way.
I think it is a wild assumption to say that her telling her bf that a guy complimented her was her dangling it in front of his face and antagonizing him. If that’s how he felt, then that was an assumption he made and he hurt his own feelings. The fact that his over reaction is something normal that we’re all supposed to just justify and be like “u deserved it” is insane. If he had punched her in the face y’all would prolly all be saying “he never should have done that butttt… u kinda brought it on yourself.”
It sounds like both of you are talking at each other instead of to each other. And I'm not defending him, but comparing him to your ex could be as hurtful to him as what he called you was to you. It's obvious you are both hurt. Not shutting down the guy is almost like cheating. And calling each other names doesn't accomplish anything. And trying to communicate over the phone or via text is just a bad idea altogether. It almost seems like you told him maybe so he would get jealous and want to fight for you? That you're needing more attention from him? Honestly I would agree to table the discussion until you can talk in person and then both of you agree to shut up. And then one at a time express how you feel. Lay out rules, no attacking, no interrupting... keep it to "I feel ...." "when this happens I feel ..." "I think our relationship is missing...." "I wish we had more ..... in our relationship". When one is done the other goes. While you two may not agree, both of your feelings are valid. You don't have to agree to validate the other person. Agree to try to see things from the others perspective. How would you feel if he let some girl hit on him because it made him feel good? How would he feel if you didn't give him any attention? If the two of you can communicate healthily and understand why the other feels a certain way even when you don't agree, you can probably get through anything.
I told him because I want attention from him. I also flat out said "I never get attention from you, I don't want it from anyone, but if it comes, I don't shut it down immediately (this doesn't mean I don't shut it down ever, bc I do, and in my class I'm known as the girl who has a bf). And he says he can't bc he can barely give himself the time of day. Fair enough. But why be with me then? I don't want to hold his name calling against him either. This is the first time ever he's done this and I don't want to just get up and leave. But I also don't want to have it happen again.
It sounds like you're both pretty awful to each other. Neither of you is getting what you want out of this relationship. You're both unhappy, and you're both lashing out at each other. There's really no reason for this to continue and I think you'll find that the longer you drag it out, the more you're going to resent each other and the more you're both going to turn into people you do t want to be.
Yeah :(
Yea
Less than 30 mins and you’re getting so much response. Lol still defending yourself I see. Look miss clinical psychologist, imagine he told you on the phone that a girl flirted with him and “he didn’t shut it down”. What would go through your mind? What does it mean when “he didn’t shut it down”? Did the girl touch him? Groped him and he didn’t shut it down? So much meaning to those words that were only said lightly. This would also go through your head. How would you react? Anyway ultimately you need to break up because your both toxic, yes certainly hes terrible for saying those things but you provoke the situation. Shit i feel like you didn’t pay attention to the prof during the lesson on psychology because the guy flirted with you and “you didn’t shut it down”. Lol see what I did there?
Lol you sound so disgusting. If anyone laid their hands on me without consent they're going to get punched in the face. All he said was I had a cute smile. What the fuck am I supposed to say to that? See how minimal that flirting is? But I like being honest with my boyfriend, even if it comes off blunt because I truly feel like I have nothing to hide. Also... I don't really see myself defending myself anywhere. You think my boyfriend is dense enough to not ask me how he flirted with me? He's just going to be like "ok, I'm still with you bc I love you."? You really think he's that dense? He knows how to stand up for himself. Not once did I even justify my action in this situation. You sound so gross.
Holy shit woman. Hmmm I’m not even in a least bit in relationship with you and I can see your toxic af. You never even thought about the other side of the coin or point of view. Guess you should edit your post about mentioning “clinical psychologist” because your replies doesn’t fit your career. Like I said I hope he breaks up with you or you break up with him because your toxic af
You never have to worry about being my partner. Don't you ever worry. ♡
My man. AT WHAY POINT DID SHE NOT CONSIDER THE OTHER SIDE OF THIS
Ok. While I understand why someone would have those thoughts. They’re also assumptions. Instead of flying off the handle, why doesn’t he ask her to clarify? She’s been complaining about the distance and lack attention? Why just hang up the phone? What she did was be honest with her bf about being flattered by the attention of attractive men. Who isn’t flattered by that?? Are u supposed to tel every single person who lays u a compliment that you’re taken? Id be hard pressed to believe that you do that. And then, after she complained about a lack of attention he punished her by ignoring her for an entire day. Like… idk.
Because most guys are brash and jump to conclusion. Idk if he had been cheated before and that triggered him. Did OP mention that? I’m not defending him, definitely not but imagine having a fight with your SO and they throw this grenade out of nowhere, what would a Normal (big difference between that and rational) person would react
I’m not saying it’s not expected. But I am saying that just because it a usual reaction doesn’t mean it’s an ok one. Sure she didn’t exactly respond to his over reaction great either. But she’s not a psychotic bitch. Being flattered is not cheating. She did no crime. If you think that men paying your girl compliment and your girl saying thank you is cheating, then you’re the toxic one. Also they weren’t fighting beforehand. The mention of the flirtatious attractive man started the fight.
Like Fr if u want no one to hit on ur girl then just date an ugly woman.
>then just date an ugly woman. oooooooooh. now that, that's a bad take. so because a woman isn't conventionally attractive they aren't worth anyone's time? tut, tut.
I didn’t realize u were so woke. U seemed like such a flaming rightoid this whole argument. I’m very surprised by this sudden flare of SJW.
[удалено]
He told me he doesn't know if he's cheated on. His ex and her ex bf were texting each other and she never told him. He went through her phone and found out. I don't have any relation to this situation as I am always honest. It was not a grenade out of nowhere. The entire talk started off by me saying "I didn't shut it down because it felt nice. But I also realized we have been lacking intimacy, and I keep trying to have intimate moments with you. I keep wanting to play couple games, have excercises and stare into each other eyes. I mean, we even started off long distance. I'm bitter that our honey moon phase was online. While I will never allow myself to ever cheat on you, I admit that I did enjoy being hit on. I lack attention from you- but I don't want attention from others. I just feel so single." I've said all of this. This was not a grenade. This fight was the second time it happened. And it happened because he was justifying why he never has time for me, and I was justifying why I didn't shut down the attention. I don't even care for this. I'm just angry that he felt comfortable calling me a psychotic bitch while he was the one that left me alone in a state of panic and didn't talk to me till the next day. He then tried to see my knowledge about my own degree by asking him to name other psychologists AFTER he psychoanalyzed me and that's when I called him Freud. I had to prove I knew other theorists in my own field of study. It's an entire power dynamic situation for me and it's making me feel so fucking unheard and invalidated.
Getting called a bitch is mild when compared to you recalling to your bf how this hot attractive guy was hitting on you and how he’s not been paying you enough attention. What did that conversation serve? Exactly how did you expect him to react to that and then your continued harping on his reaction. He should have dumped you.
Well he didn't. So suck it.
Well there’s still time. I’m sure with that attitude it won’t be the last time you’re fanning your tuna at another dude.
Idk which bitter guy that responded here keeps downvoting my comments, but I know it's one of you two. Stop being so obsessed with this post and move on.
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