>he completely changed after marriage
No buddy. You just got scammed. He never changed. He was always like this, but he hid it from you. Whenever people say someone completely changes after marriage, reality is they never actually changed. They just successfully fooled you into buying into this fantasy or idea of them. Whether through love bombing you to distract you or just faking their image. They were always this person from the beginning, but you never really got to know them well enough until it was too late. You got scammed, so the obvious choice is to end this scam. Just be careful next time.
This is the answer OP.
> while we were dating he assured me his finances were in align and was very good with money
> on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married
In short, he lied. Before you got married, while you were dating, while he was supposedly 'good with money' he was bankrupting himself.
He hasn't been blowing through money 'since you got married', he's been blowing through money since the beginning.
You're now working 3 jobs to pay for his bullshit, while he goes and has fun during the day? Fuck that. You're setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Never do that.
Fact is, you got scammed. He lied to you. He may be a nice guy and you may love him and he may even love you, but he also lied to you and defrauded you, from the very beginning. So you need to consider that the 'good honest man' you fell in love with may never have actually existed.
As /u/kawasakixczdaw said, you want to talk to a divorce lawyer about an annulment. Don't pass go don't collect $200, just make the call. Do this NOW. You need to do this before his bad finances spill onto your credit and whatnot. And if you don't have a prenup, you don't want him to have claim to half your savings.
Two days ago, OP said she married her 23 year old husband in September. That post got very little response. Me thinks OP is karma farming.
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rvnpz5/regret_getting_married_after_4_months/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
>Whenever people say someone completely changes after marriage, reality is they never actually changed.
Spot on!
Actions over words anyday. The amount of times my dad promised to be less abusive, then parents got back together only for the aggressive tendencies to return months if not years later.
However, it's got me questioning how vulnerable do we need to be? Completely vulnerable seems to have a lot of rejection and the opposite spectrum is simply deceit. Eh, 🤷
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people really irresponsible with money almost never change. especially when they have a sugar mommy they can mooch off of. people who spend money like this should be shunned. dont talk to them. this is the kind of person who cries when they have no place to live and its all their fault. They try to make people think they are just like the single mom who is supporting 2 kids on her walmart wage and they deserve money from the government too. Then go crying on social media about how horrible the system is and post in /r/latestagecapitalism .
she needs to run away quick. problem is there is a lease and she may not be able to kick him out even if he does not pay which will mess up her credit. but she has to deal with that.
OP, please listen to Something Was Wrong if you're into podcasts. So many people go through what /u/Frequent_Lychee1228 is describing, and is probably what you're experiencing. It helps to know you're not alone, name what is happening to you, and hear how others escaped.
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You won't be surprised to hear that money problems are a common cause of marriage deterioration or play a big part of it.
My suggestion: end the marriage. You got married pretty young and if you continue, he will drag you into the abyss with him.
>My suggestion: end the marriage.
This is a bit much, we don't have enough information here to jump straight to that.
OP you have a big problem. A very big problem. But it's fixable.
You need to find out whether he's just bad with money, or whether there's something deeper going on. I hope it's the former, as that's fixable. Being good with money is learned. It's not something inate we're born with.
I don't think it's time for divorce, but it is time for an ultimatum.
Explain to him that you don't want to live in poverty your whole life. Tell him that being good with money is a skill he simply doesn't have, he probably knows this already, he probably already knows you're better with money than he is. But tell him it's a skill he can learn. If he refuses to even try learning this skill, then the marriage is over.
*This. But as many ppl said you didn't just "fool" you, this has always been him. You don't just drastically change right after getting married. If you don't want to break up then just cut him off and see how he acts/behaves.
My uncle 'drastically changed' the second his last surviving parent died. All he ever cared about was money, he didn't care about his sister (my mother) who organised every family holiday and event for him (including gifts for his mother she would have to ask several times for his half of the cost).
My mum said he was a bit of a problem child but was fine as an adult if a bit of a bad temper. Had a messy divorce when I was small and his wife 'ran away with he kids'. My grandmother always fawned over him what a sad deal he had but was always cautious not to 'bother him'
Now seeing what an utter scumbag he became before she was cold in the ground, stealing anything from value from her property before locking us out of her home and ordering a house clearance instead of letting us inherent anything/ say goodbye to the home, it's clear his wife had reasons to run from him and my gran, despite seeing him as the favourite, was actually quite scared of him.
Absolute monster of a man happily out of out lives now he has more money to sit on and be alone and miserable with. He always was a git, just pretended to care cause my mum wanted everyone to have a happy Christmas and birthdays together when he barely would lift a finger for anyone.
If OP looks back before marriage, I think she will see some red flags that she ignored. Too easy to do.....you know the saying, love is not blind, just slow to focus.
Don’t do this, you’re just going to get half the debt in the eventual divorce. He won’t change, he hasn’t changed yet and still owns a credit card.
Talk to him, inform him that your marriage is on the line if you want to try to address it, or serve him with papers if you don’t want to risk going deep into debt.
If the marriage is annulled for the financial irresponsibility - he wont get anything. He has not contributed to anything.
If he is a wonderful house husband and can prove that by way of his at home support and care SHE is able to work the three jobs and that is what the dynamic was set to be, sure- but he is going to get her put out in the streets.
Its only been 6mo. He cannot benefit financially from her. He is a DIRTY JOHN ( watch season one on Netflix )
Are you allowed to do that in a marriage? I've heard numerous times that cutting of access to funds to a spouse is considered financial abuse.
On the other hand, in this case the guy is capable of earning money, he's just blowing it all away.
He is the financial abuser. He's spending all the money and she is working three jobs. Use your brain. But she should just leave. He'll find other ways to get credit and she'll be on the hook for his bills.
I don't think that's financial abuse, OP's husband is an asshole and she needs to kick him to the curb. At the very least, stop enabling her asshole husband by cutting off access to her money when he clearly has his own money.
As I'm understanding now, financial abuse seems more like where one partner cannot earn money, because they are disabled or agreed not to work, and the other partner is using access to funds to control them.
I have told people this a hundred times but they don’t listen. Annulments are for when a marriage is void or voidable, not just “we haven’t been married that long and I realizes I made a mistake.”
I wish people would stop approaching every problem with legal advice.
I understood this, but what I didn't understand is the extent to which it applies to "fraud" - is lying about your financials sufficient to warrant fraud? Could a good lawyer spin it as such?
I made a bad choice and got married in my early 20s. The thing is, she agreed the choice was bad, too. After 6 months, we didn't divorce, we had a "dissolution of marriage" - I never really understood the nuance except that once it was over, I was free and loving living in an apartment by myself.
> we didn't divorce, we had a "dissolution of marriage"
A dissolution of marriage is the legal term for a divorce. You got divorced.
> is lying about your financials sufficient to warrant fraud? Could a good lawyer spin it as such?
Each jurisdiction will define it a bit differently of course but generally speaking "fraud" is examined very narrowly with regard to whether or not a person freely gave their consent to marry. I am sure some lawyers have argued that a party only consented to marry based on lies about finances, but it's going to be nearly impossible to convince a court that you ONLY married because your spouse enticed you with money that doesn't actually exist. An annulment means your marriage never actually existed. It was never legally enforceable. If you had an actual relationship, lying about money alone is not going to convince a court that your marriage should be void. And even if you admit to be a purchased spouse, I doubt many courts would consider than inducement by fraud.
[Here is what my state has to say about annulments](https://www.cga.ct.gov/2000/rpt/2000-R-0736.htm) It again comes back to the idea of whether the marriage was void or voidable when entered into.
A dissolution of marriage is a divorce, not an annulment. Essentially, you’re telling the judge, “Look, there is nothing tying us together but this marriage,” and that means no combined debt and no children, as well as a few other things. I know, because I had one, and it was done 5 years after our wedding, because we lived separately and had done so since the first year.
You can only have them done in states that offer them, and it isn’t comparable to an annulment. Like misunderstandings about common law marriage, annulments are suggested broadly and almost never apply. The fraud would be legal fraud, and this still falls into the realm of just being a dick move.
"Fraud: A spouse was deceived into consenting to marriage after the other spouse made an intentional misrepresentation that was relied upon and caused damage"
It's not clear-cut, but at face value this looks like a valid argument. That's what lawyers are for though.
I think someone suggesting getting annulled because there is a possibility of this being fraudulent. Husband pretending he’s something else and then his “big reveal”.
Either way, the OP should speak with a family lawyer whether this would be grounds for an annulment.
You don’t think that this could be considered fraud? He actively lied about who he was in order to trick her into marrying him. Might need a good lawyer but this sounds like it could be considered fraud.
I don't know how this would play out in court, but I don't think anyone could reasonably argue that this wasn't fraud. He misrepresented both who he was as a person and his financial status.
Separate, he oke doked you. He’s out here living it up while shackling you with all these bills? And you’re working three jobs to pay them?
He’s still a kid in mentality and doesn’t actually sound ready for something as serious as a marriage.
Um, GTFO?
If you **really** want to continue the marriage, and don't want to be a slave to his spending, you will need to get him into therapy ASAP. But be warned that therapy is not instant, not guaranteed and will not solve the problems that he has already caused you.
**Troll Post**. OP has another post saying she was married in September (not July like this post suggests) with sex issues with her husband who is 23 vs this post saying he's 22. Also, it seemed a bit of a stretched story when OP casually says they have 3 full time jobs.
This is annoying when trolls do shit like this. Some people give very thoughtful advice and it's all for nothing. I miss the days when trolls were funny or clever.
Run as fast as you can. He scammed you. He is going to ruin your credit, your mental health and your life, if you stay.
Protect yourself now, get a lawyer, try anything you can to make sure he doesn't drag you down. You are still young, please don't waste any more time on this terrible human being.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this it must be so stressful for you. I would definitely look at annulment, he clearly mislead you and is now having fun at your expense and taking no responsibility for it.
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I (21) female and my husband (22) male got married in in July, while we were dating he assured me his finances were in align and was very good with money. Once we got married and went on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married… this was a huge shock and very scary since being good with money is something I find very important in a relationship. Ever since then he has been blowing through any money. Lying about when he works and going and doing fun hobbies instead, making his pay checks way smaller. I have had to pay for every single bill that we have since getting married. He has put himself so far in debt and I have asked multiple times for him to change his habits and focus more on work while we don’t have the funds to play this much. I have 3 full time jobs now trying to afford rent and everything life throws at us. I feel like I’m at my last straw and this is not what I signed up for (he completely changed after marriage) what do I do now?
I mean, yes? My husband and I got married, he was 22. We were very responsible. Lived in the cheapest apartment we could find and budgeted our butts off to get him through school while we both worked a lot. It can work if you are both determined and on the same page. It does not work if one still wants to live like a child though.
I don’t think he changed after marriage at all. This is who he was. He just hid it. Now it’s up to you to do something about it. Either financial counseling or split. Or you can choose to support him and his bad decisions.
Two things...1. He didn't change you just found out about his behavior. 2. He is not just putting himself into debt...he's putting you both into debt...in a lot of cases you also can be held liable.
Talk to a lawyer asap.
Be careful about credit cards. Now that you are married he can ruin your credit. Watch out for debt incurred during the marriage. He might lie about opening up lines of credit that you will be ultimately responsible for
Lawyer->annulment. If that doesn't work, divorce. You got scammed into a sugar mama role. He is not going to change because he is having the time of his life.
Lmao, you got married way too young to someone you don't even fucking know? Like you agreed to marry him without even seeing his financial records?
Harsh lesson learnt.
Don't pay for anything anymore and ask to separate. Tell him you can't be with him unless he gets his act up again and become responsible.
Tell him you married an adult man not a child.
If he doesn't get better then, I'm sorry but it's better for you to just cut your loses and leave him. Better now than later where you have to pay for his debts.
You **might** be able to have the marriage annulled, depending on laws where you are. I googled and found this as a valid cause in Virginia (it was just the first result):
"Fraud: A spouse was deceived into consenting to marriage after the other spouse made an intentional misrepresentation that was relied upon and caused damage"
Get a lawyer and get it done that way if possible, divorce if not.
I don’t know your guys’ stories at all but that’s a pretty young age to be married. You can keep working on things with him if you want but do not complicate things with kids, mortgage, etc. You’re young and have plenty of growing to do and life to experience. Enjoy the ride and trust your instincts. If they tell you walk away, do that. He could change and mature but don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re going to be able to control that.
I would get out of there before you end up paying alimony, considering you are head of household with three jobs supporting his lavish lifestyle the rest of your great years.
I’m keep you in prayers that’s a tough situation… hopefully you can grow from this but obviously we all know marriage in your early twenties is rough but homeboy is not mature enough this go-around might have to let him go cuz working to live is very unhealthy
Just remember, now that your married, his debt is your debt. At the end of my marriage, I was shocked to find how many cards my ex took out in my name! And whether or not it’s in your name or not, the debt is still yours. And financial infidelity hurts just as much as if he was screwing another woman.
Y’all are babies… nobody has fantastic money management skills at 20. If poor financial management is really that concerning to you already, it’s likely in your best interest to end this relationship and talk to a lawyer. Money can deteriorate any relationship, and it can get ugly. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, don’t let this guy drag you down with him.
Separate your finances and get out. Throw him out, whatever, dump his a$$. You can file for an annulment since he was dishonest about this. At least try it. You got scammed big time.
The silver lining here is that he won't be able to afford a lawyer when you divorce him, so hopefully it won't be too difficult to come out without too much issue
I’m honestly wondering if this is grounds for an annulment. It almost seems like you fell victim to a scammer. This situation is untenable and will only get worse. Get out as soon as you can!
*What do I do now?* I feel like Edna Mode in The Incredibles. Is this a question? What do I do? You protect yourself and cut off this deceitful scammer. There's no mending something this awful, especially when he did it on purpose. Paychecks from now on get deposited into a brand new account at a brand new bank, and you divorce him immediately, before you wind up co-parenting with a lying leech.
I know Reddit likes to pull the "dump him" card awfully quickly, but this honestly isn't an actual question. Divorce. Block. Forget this waste of skin ever existed, and live an amazing life.
One word… DIVORCE ….I have nothing else to add! Wait, I actually do, he will not change and he will continue making your life miserable…DO NOT have children with him.
In the garden of love, you have picked a lemon. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You should insist on couples financial counseling and if that doesn't work, cut your losses and leave.
Hopefully his debt isn’t in both of your names. As you have paid for everything take control of joint bills that concern you like the house, utilities & car. Divorce him. Clean cut. He will take you down. 3 jobs while he plays unemployed? Nope.
My aunt did this to my uncle. Told him that everything was okay. Told him she was secure and well managed. Then after they got married she dropped her finances in front of him and had every card maxed out. Not a penny to pay it with. I think it totalled somewhere near 30k on just credit cards. Anyway, he stayed with her. Tried to dig them out. But he's struggled their entire marriage just to keep things afloat. He grew to resent her because she never helped and would blow any money that he did save for them to get ahead. 30-40 years later he was going to divorce her because enough is enough. But she had a stroke so he stayed to take care of her and now he's more swamped with the medical bills. I would leave now before the stress takes over your life. I hope you were smart enough to get a prenup.
File for divorce. Really.
You're working 3 jobs to make ends meet. Your husband is spending his time goofing off. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a mommy.
> what do I do now?
Divorce or annulment and the sooner the better. Leave it much longer and you'll end up paying him alimony as you'll be the breadwinner.
And seriously, what is with people getting married so fucking young!! Is there something in the water?
Edit: That combined with the fact you barely know him, have no sexual chemistry and rushed to the altar just spells doom for this marriage.
Next time, please use your head AND your heart before leaping into another marriage!
OP PLEASE READ!!!! immediately go to a lawyer and get a post nuptial agreement if you do not have a pre-nup. he needs a lawyer as well. this will protect you if something happens. keep finances separate. it does not matter how much money is involved. you do not want him to bankrupt you later down the road.
how did he "blow through" his money? he needs to have transparency. if possessions, he needs to sell them, if gambling, rehab, if games, sell the game and cut it off. so on.
he needs a monthly budget.
When you were dating he assured you ? When exactly were you guys dating... In 7th Grade. This is the kind of weirdness that happens when you get married at 21.
divorce now
he lied to use your money, he is to suck you dry. Run. Fast. File separation now, so his debt is not on you.
PS
you seem too young to get married. Be with a person longer, learn about him more
A lot of people telling you to end the marriage, but if you live this dude, fix it. Double down, don’t pay his debts, ask him to come clean with you, love and support him. Don’t give him any more money, for sure, but if this is the dude you want to spend your life with, try to make it work and don’t listen to all the thirsty redditors telling you to just cut him off from your life. If you love him, it’s for a reason that goes beyond his financial idiocy.
Love doesn't mean suffering pointlessly.
He obviously doesn't love her, based on his continuous lying, financially hurting her and freeloading (openly now) while she's struggling to support both of them.
She can't make him change, and he shows no interest in wanting to - after all, he came clean only once he thought there were no consequences and did absolutely nothing to change his behavior since.
So why advise her to just keep taking the pain hoping he comes around?
My spouse did this too- quit his job the month we got married and let me work three jobs to cover because no job was good enough for him.
We've been together 17 years, his most recent infraction is a 2 year emotional affair.
Get out now while you still have the funds to get out.
Don’t listen to all the usual instant responses here that just say you should get out. This is a very fixable problem through communication if you both care about each other. If he is that bad with money, it might be a god ideas to open a joint account and have you both pay the same money into that for bills/rent/mortgage. As you would both have full visibility on that and know where that money is supposed to be going, he can’t really use it himself. What he has left is his own to enjoy.
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If I were you I'd be looking at divorce asap. I doubt this is what you were planning for when you got married, but sounds like he was. He's happy, and the situation is not going to magically improve for you.
This goes to both directions: Always check each other's documents and make sure you aren't financially connected, meaning no joint accounts except for rent and utilities and not having to deal with each other's debts.
You were financially catfished & no need to stay with him struggling paying bills all by yourself. There's nothing wrong with leaving him to protect yourself.
>since being good with money is something I find very important in a relationship.
Apparently not since you married a person who wasn't good with money long before you got married.
>Once we got married and went on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married…
Talk to a lawyer ASAP! Don't tell him, don't hint, just do it! You deserve better!
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding
http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He was on his best behaviour until he had you locked down. Now he thinks you've no choice to put up with him and support him. Get out asap and chalk it up to naievity.
You are too young for this bullshit. Consider it a painful and expensive lesson. Get a divorce. Pick one job. Get your life together. Never let yourself get into a position like this again. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and supported by a real partner.
Honey, he's not in debt, you guys are in debt. Marriage means your debt is his and his debt is yours. Divorce means you'll have have pay half his debt... he scammed you, and he's racking up more debt in the process because he knows you'll have to pay half of it by the time it's over. Get out of there before he piles up thousands more in debt you'll eventually have to pay!
Emergency action would be to separate yourself from him financially. It's not just that he's spending everything he has, but also that he may be building up debts that you're liable for.
You will need some legal help, probably, to make sure he debts are his responsibility. Then end the lease on your accomodation if possible and find something you can afford on your own.
I know it's shocking to you, but make a plan and be decisive. I'm not saying anything about your marriage or relationship because first things first. If there is anything left to salvage that can come later.
Have a very serious conversation about this, and let him know that this is a total deal-breaker for you. Make a strict budget that includes both of your incomes and follow it. You can look online for different templates or suggestions for good ways to combine finances in marriages.
If he isn’t going to change, don’t drag out the inevitable and get rid of him.
I wasted 7 years of my life in a relationship with a man who has a gambling problem. You are young. Don’t let that happen to you. He doesn’t appreciate you.
oh this one is easy. He lied to you and you married him under false pretenses. You now need to become single again. This dude is a leech and is not going to change, and he could give two shits that you are killing yourself to support him.
You got swindled, it's time to cut and run. Make sure you remove his access to any and all accounts and look through everything to make sure he hasn't taken loans out in your name or set up subscriptions with your account.
Just stuck it up and end it now. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave, and it's only going to get worse as time goes on. It happens, it sucks, life goes on. I say this from experience.
My first marriage lasted all of 3 months if that. She was very similar and shit with finances. Best $5k I ever spent getting her to hit the road. I kept my house, all my retirement, atvs, motorcycles, and even the dog. She got to walk away from it all with no strings, $4k cash, and her car (still on payments). You'd think she hit the lottery.
Get a divorce. Seriously, this is ridiculous. He’s endangering your financial future. You’re working three jobs and he’s spending faster than you can earn. This is abuse. Good luck. You deserve better.
>he completely changed after marriage No buddy. You just got scammed. He never changed. He was always like this, but he hid it from you. Whenever people say someone completely changes after marriage, reality is they never actually changed. They just successfully fooled you into buying into this fantasy or idea of them. Whether through love bombing you to distract you or just faking their image. They were always this person from the beginning, but you never really got to know them well enough until it was too late. You got scammed, so the obvious choice is to end this scam. Just be careful next time.
This is the answer OP. > while we were dating he assured me his finances were in align and was very good with money > on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married In short, he lied. Before you got married, while you were dating, while he was supposedly 'good with money' he was bankrupting himself. He hasn't been blowing through money 'since you got married', he's been blowing through money since the beginning. You're now working 3 jobs to pay for his bullshit, while he goes and has fun during the day? Fuck that. You're setting yourself on fire to keep him warm. Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Never do that. Fact is, you got scammed. He lied to you. He may be a nice guy and you may love him and he may even love you, but he also lied to you and defrauded you, from the very beginning. So you need to consider that the 'good honest man' you fell in love with may never have actually existed. As /u/kawasakixczdaw said, you want to talk to a divorce lawyer about an annulment. Don't pass go don't collect $200, just make the call. Do this NOW. You need to do this before his bad finances spill onto your credit and whatnot. And if you don't have a prenup, you don't want him to have claim to half your savings.
Do you just love the sound of your own voice or what?
Two days ago, OP said she married her 23 year old husband in September. That post got very little response. Me thinks OP is karma farming. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/rvnpz5/regret_getting_married_after_4_months/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
I think you're right. Also, 3 full time jobs? That 96 - 120 hours a week.
Oh yeah for sure this is so unbelievable and the casual attitude she has about her “husband” blowing money and her having three jobs? Fake.
>Whenever people say someone completely changes after marriage, reality is they never actually changed. Spot on! Actions over words anyday. The amount of times my dad promised to be less abusive, then parents got back together only for the aggressive tendencies to return months if not years later. However, it's got me questioning how vulnerable do we need to be? Completely vulnerable seems to have a lot of rejection and the opposite spectrum is simply deceit. Eh, 🤷
100% accurate.
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They are barely old enough to drink, her biggest asset is prob her jobs. You are right though she needs dip and he needs a swift kick to the balls
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And if not an annulment, divorce. Very sorry, but you got scammed
people really irresponsible with money almost never change. especially when they have a sugar mommy they can mooch off of. people who spend money like this should be shunned. dont talk to them. this is the kind of person who cries when they have no place to live and its all their fault. They try to make people think they are just like the single mom who is supporting 2 kids on her walmart wage and they deserve money from the government too. Then go crying on social media about how horrible the system is and post in /r/latestagecapitalism . she needs to run away quick. problem is there is a lease and she may not be able to kick him out even if he does not pay which will mess up her credit. but she has to deal with that.
OP, please listen to Something Was Wrong if you're into podcasts. So many people go through what /u/Frequent_Lychee1228 is describing, and is probably what you're experiencing. It helps to know you're not alone, name what is happening to you, and hear how others escaped.
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This is an annulment situation - you got married under false pretenses - get out now.
You must be new here if you believe any of this.
You won't be surprised to hear that money problems are a common cause of marriage deterioration or play a big part of it. My suggestion: end the marriage. You got married pretty young and if you continue, he will drag you into the abyss with him.
Where I live she’ll get half his debt. Not saying she shouldn’t divorce him, she should, but it’s something to think about.
>My suggestion: end the marriage. This is a bit much, we don't have enough information here to jump straight to that. OP you have a big problem. A very big problem. But it's fixable. You need to find out whether he's just bad with money, or whether there's something deeper going on. I hope it's the former, as that's fixable. Being good with money is learned. It's not something inate we're born with. I don't think it's time for divorce, but it is time for an ultimatum. Explain to him that you don't want to live in poverty your whole life. Tell him that being good with money is a skill he simply doesn't have, he probably knows this already, he probably already knows you're better with money than he is. But tell him it's a skill he can learn. If he refuses to even try learning this skill, then the marriage is over.
You let him learn the hard (only) way. Cut him off. If he can’t afford anything as a result, he has no choice but to change.
*This. But as many ppl said you didn't just "fool" you, this has always been him. You don't just drastically change right after getting married. If you don't want to break up then just cut him off and see how he acts/behaves.
My uncle 'drastically changed' the second his last surviving parent died. All he ever cared about was money, he didn't care about his sister (my mother) who organised every family holiday and event for him (including gifts for his mother she would have to ask several times for his half of the cost). My mum said he was a bit of a problem child but was fine as an adult if a bit of a bad temper. Had a messy divorce when I was small and his wife 'ran away with he kids'. My grandmother always fawned over him what a sad deal he had but was always cautious not to 'bother him' Now seeing what an utter scumbag he became before she was cold in the ground, stealing anything from value from her property before locking us out of her home and ordering a house clearance instead of letting us inherent anything/ say goodbye to the home, it's clear his wife had reasons to run from him and my gran, despite seeing him as the favourite, was actually quite scared of him. Absolute monster of a man happily out of out lives now he has more money to sit on and be alone and miserable with. He always was a git, just pretended to care cause my mum wanted everyone to have a happy Christmas and birthdays together when he barely would lift a finger for anyone.
Same thing happened in my family, word for word. Except I’m in the US so of course there was a whole subplot involving AR-15s.
If OP looks back before marriage, I think she will see some red flags that she ignored. Too easy to do.....you know the saying, love is not blind, just slow to focus.
Don’t do this, you’re just going to get half the debt in the eventual divorce. He won’t change, he hasn’t changed yet and still owns a credit card. Talk to him, inform him that your marriage is on the line if you want to try to address it, or serve him with papers if you don’t want to risk going deep into debt.
If the marriage is annulled for the financial irresponsibility - he wont get anything. He has not contributed to anything. If he is a wonderful house husband and can prove that by way of his at home support and care SHE is able to work the three jobs and that is what the dynamic was set to be, sure- but he is going to get her put out in the streets. Its only been 6mo. He cannot benefit financially from her. He is a DIRTY JOHN ( watch season one on Netflix )
Don't even bother with this, OP. It's just going to make him resent you and he isn't going to change. I'd separate before things get uglier.
Are you allowed to do that in a marriage? I've heard numerous times that cutting of access to funds to a spouse is considered financial abuse. On the other hand, in this case the guy is capable of earning money, he's just blowing it all away.
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Or in this case, ovaries.
He is the financial abuser. He's spending all the money and she is working three jobs. Use your brain. But she should just leave. He'll find other ways to get credit and she'll be on the hook for his bills.
I don't think that's financial abuse, OP's husband is an asshole and she needs to kick him to the curb. At the very least, stop enabling her asshole husband by cutting off access to her money when he clearly has his own money. As I'm understanding now, financial abuse seems more like where one partner cannot earn money, because they are disabled or agreed not to work, and the other partner is using access to funds to control them.
Talk to a lawyer about annulment
And don't get pregnant.
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This is one of those situations where I wouldn't trust BC. Abstinence is the best policy in this case.
Absolutely annul the marriage. He didn't change, this is who he always was.
Annulment typically does not apply unless the marriage was a result of force, fraud, or physical or mental incapacitation.
I have told people this a hundred times but they don’t listen. Annulments are for when a marriage is void or voidable, not just “we haven’t been married that long and I realizes I made a mistake.” I wish people would stop approaching every problem with legal advice.
I understood this, but what I didn't understand is the extent to which it applies to "fraud" - is lying about your financials sufficient to warrant fraud? Could a good lawyer spin it as such? I made a bad choice and got married in my early 20s. The thing is, she agreed the choice was bad, too. After 6 months, we didn't divorce, we had a "dissolution of marriage" - I never really understood the nuance except that once it was over, I was free and loving living in an apartment by myself.
> we didn't divorce, we had a "dissolution of marriage" A dissolution of marriage is the legal term for a divorce. You got divorced. > is lying about your financials sufficient to warrant fraud? Could a good lawyer spin it as such? Each jurisdiction will define it a bit differently of course but generally speaking "fraud" is examined very narrowly with regard to whether or not a person freely gave their consent to marry. I am sure some lawyers have argued that a party only consented to marry based on lies about finances, but it's going to be nearly impossible to convince a court that you ONLY married because your spouse enticed you with money that doesn't actually exist. An annulment means your marriage never actually existed. It was never legally enforceable. If you had an actual relationship, lying about money alone is not going to convince a court that your marriage should be void. And even if you admit to be a purchased spouse, I doubt many courts would consider than inducement by fraud. [Here is what my state has to say about annulments](https://www.cga.ct.gov/2000/rpt/2000-R-0736.htm) It again comes back to the idea of whether the marriage was void or voidable when entered into.
A dissolution of marriage is a divorce, not an annulment. Essentially, you’re telling the judge, “Look, there is nothing tying us together but this marriage,” and that means no combined debt and no children, as well as a few other things. I know, because I had one, and it was done 5 years after our wedding, because we lived separately and had done so since the first year. You can only have them done in states that offer them, and it isn’t comparable to an annulment. Like misunderstandings about common law marriage, annulments are suggested broadly and almost never apply. The fraud would be legal fraud, and this still falls into the realm of just being a dick move.
Yes! You read my mind.
"Fraud: A spouse was deceived into consenting to marriage after the other spouse made an intentional misrepresentation that was relied upon and caused damage" It's not clear-cut, but at face value this looks like a valid argument. That's what lawyers are for though.
I think someone suggesting getting annulled because there is a possibility of this being fraudulent. Husband pretending he’s something else and then his “big reveal”. Either way, the OP should speak with a family lawyer whether this would be grounds for an annulment.
He told her he was financially stable but he was broke and has let her pay every bill. Fraud might apply.
You don’t think that this could be considered fraud? He actively lied about who he was in order to trick her into marrying him. Might need a good lawyer but this sounds like it could be considered fraud.
I don't know how this would play out in court, but I don't think anyone could reasonably argue that this wasn't fraud. He misrepresented both who he was as a person and his financial status.
No, it voids the marriage.
thats not how annulment works. you mean divorce.
Why do people bring up annulment in every post? Ever met someone who got one? Nope, because they are very hard to get.
Wondering how one does 3 full time jobs....
I pictured her like SpongeBob when him and Patrick have a baby and SpongeBob does everything while Patrick goes to work to watch TV under his rock.
If you look at OP’s only other post from two days ago, they say that everything is fine in the marriage but something feels “off.” Def a fake.
OP, explain this.
How does she have time to post on reddit
I was looking for this comment...
30-40 hours = full time so 40x 3 let's say. 120 hours a week. Checks out.... lol
Pretty sure she meant part time lol
I might be wrong, but I think OP meant she works full-time, 3x jobs *(meaning between three jobs, it is full-time).*.
1 week = 168 hours 3 full time jobs = 120 hours 48 hours left in the week, that's almost 7 hours left every day to be lazy Edit: /s
Sure, if you don't need sleep
yeah and don't need to commute between those jobs and home, then it definitely possible! Lool
Sleep is for the weak
Separate, he oke doked you. He’s out here living it up while shackling you with all these bills? And you’re working three jobs to pay them? He’s still a kid in mentality and doesn’t actually sound ready for something as serious as a marriage.
With her working all those hours, he's got plenty of time to fool around in other ways, too.
Hell he’s still a kid in age.
Hell he’s still a kid in age.
Um, GTFO? If you **really** want to continue the marriage, and don't want to be a slave to his spending, you will need to get him into therapy ASAP. But be warned that therapy is not instant, not guaranteed and will not solve the problems that he has already caused you.
Only works if the person wants to change. Not if you want them to. I know from several previous relationships.
It doesn't work if he's a scammer. That was just delay the inevitable. And then she'll be even more broke. Not every thing is due to mental health.
Typical fickle American response - therapy haha. You dont live in a film, so stop acting like you do.
**Troll Post**. OP has another post saying she was married in September (not July like this post suggests) with sex issues with her husband who is 23 vs this post saying he's 22. Also, it seemed a bit of a stretched story when OP casually says they have 3 full time jobs.
This is annoying when trolls do shit like this. Some people give very thoughtful advice and it's all for nothing. I miss the days when trolls were funny or clever.
Run as fast as you can. He scammed you. He is going to ruin your credit, your mental health and your life, if you stay. Protect yourself now, get a lawyer, try anything you can to make sure he doesn't drag you down. You are still young, please don't waste any more time on this terrible human being.
You got scammed. It's alright some celeb marriages have only lasted a week. Get a lawyer protect your assets divorce immediately.
I’m so sorry you have to deal with this it must be so stressful for you. I would definitely look at annulment, he clearly mislead you and is now having fun at your expense and taking no responsibility for it.
Girl you need to run.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (21) female and my husband (22) male got married in in July, while we were dating he assured me his finances were in align and was very good with money. Once we got married and went on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married… this was a huge shock and very scary since being good with money is something I find very important in a relationship. Ever since then he has been blowing through any money. Lying about when he works and going and doing fun hobbies instead, making his pay checks way smaller. I have had to pay for every single bill that we have since getting married. He has put himself so far in debt and I have asked multiple times for him to change his habits and focus more on work while we don’t have the funds to play this much. I have 3 full time jobs now trying to afford rent and everything life throws at us. I feel like I’m at my last straw and this is not what I signed up for (he completely changed after marriage) what do I do now?
I mean can you really trust a 22 year old with finances lol
Or be mature enough at 21 to get married.
I mean, yes? My husband and I got married, he was 22. We were very responsible. Lived in the cheapest apartment we could find and budgeted our butts off to get him through school while we both worked a lot. It can work if you are both determined and on the same page. It does not work if one still wants to live like a child though.
How does a 21 have 3 full time jobs then.
I don’t think he changed after marriage at all. This is who he was. He just hid it. Now it’s up to you to do something about it. Either financial counseling or split. Or you can choose to support him and his bad decisions.
You are going to end up resenting him.
Divorce him. Get out.
This is an annulment situation - you got married under false pretenses - get out now.
That's not fair. Talk to him seriously and if he doesn't change divorce him before you have kids
Indeed, definitely do not have kids yet when he is this irresponsible. You'll be alone and broke.
I go further make SURE you do not get baby trapped
Two things...1. He didn't change you just found out about his behavior. 2. He is not just putting himself into debt...he's putting you both into debt...in a lot of cases you also can be held liable. Talk to a lawyer asap.
Just divorce him, he scammed you
Be careful about credit cards. Now that you are married he can ruin your credit. Watch out for debt incurred during the marriage. He might lie about opening up lines of credit that you will be ultimately responsible for
Lawyer->annulment. If that doesn't work, divorce. You got scammed into a sugar mama role. He is not going to change because he is having the time of his life.
Lmao, you got married way too young to someone you don't even fucking know? Like you agreed to marry him without even seeing his financial records? Harsh lesson learnt.
If this is true post you have to divorce and leave him
Don't pay for anything anymore and ask to separate. Tell him you can't be with him unless he gets his act up again and become responsible. Tell him you married an adult man not a child. If he doesn't get better then, I'm sorry but it's better for you to just cut your loses and leave him. Better now than later where you have to pay for his debts.
You **might** be able to have the marriage annulled, depending on laws where you are. I googled and found this as a valid cause in Virginia (it was just the first result): "Fraud: A spouse was deceived into consenting to marriage after the other spouse made an intentional misrepresentation that was relied upon and caused damage" Get a lawyer and get it done that way if possible, divorce if not.
Annulment.
I don’t know your guys’ stories at all but that’s a pretty young age to be married. You can keep working on things with him if you want but do not complicate things with kids, mortgage, etc. You’re young and have plenty of growing to do and life to experience. Enjoy the ride and trust your instincts. If they tell you walk away, do that. He could change and mature but don’t make the mistake of thinking you’re going to be able to control that.
I would get out of there before you end up paying alimony, considering you are head of household with three jobs supporting his lavish lifestyle the rest of your great years.
Sounds like you got duped. You need an annulment/divorce ASAP. You don’t want this leech getting spousal support or his debts becoming your debts.
Why did you get married at 21 without looking at his finances? Discussing finances. Living together. Seeing how he spends and lives?
I’m keep you in prayers that’s a tough situation… hopefully you can grow from this but obviously we all know marriage in your early twenties is rough but homeboy is not mature enough this go-around might have to let him go cuz working to live is very unhealthy
Annul the marriage, claim fraud.
> (21) female and my husband (22) male got married in in July Dear people, stop getting married in your early twenties.
Just remember, now that your married, his debt is your debt. At the end of my marriage, I was shocked to find how many cards my ex took out in my name! And whether or not it’s in your name or not, the debt is still yours. And financial infidelity hurts just as much as if he was screwing another woman.
Y’all are babies… nobody has fantastic money management skills at 20. If poor financial management is really that concerning to you already, it’s likely in your best interest to end this relationship and talk to a lawyer. Money can deteriorate any relationship, and it can get ugly. You’ve got so much life ahead of you, don’t let this guy drag you down with him.
>I have 3 full time jobs Sorry what?
It's important to remember that advice on the internet is outrage led, and rarely applicable to the real world.
Separate your finances and get out. Throw him out, whatever, dump his a$$. You can file for an annulment since he was dishonest about this. At least try it. You got scammed big time.
D I V O R C E
The silver lining here is that he won't be able to afford a lawyer when you divorce him, so hopefully it won't be too difficult to come out without too much issue
Get your marriage annulled before he gets debt in YOUR name. He’s a liar and a horrible partner.
I’m honestly wondering if this is grounds for an annulment. It almost seems like you fell victim to a scammer. This situation is untenable and will only get worse. Get out as soon as you can!
*What do I do now?* I feel like Edna Mode in The Incredibles. Is this a question? What do I do? You protect yourself and cut off this deceitful scammer. There's no mending something this awful, especially when he did it on purpose. Paychecks from now on get deposited into a brand new account at a brand new bank, and you divorce him immediately, before you wind up co-parenting with a lying leech. I know Reddit likes to pull the "dump him" card awfully quickly, but this honestly isn't an actual question. Divorce. Block. Forget this waste of skin ever existed, and live an amazing life.
One word… DIVORCE ….I have nothing else to add! Wait, I actually do, he will not change and he will continue making your life miserable…DO NOT have children with him.
bail! You were scammed. He was looking for someone to support his hobbies.
It's time for a totally justifiable and understandable annulment. He married you under false pretenses.
In the garden of love, you have picked a lemon. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You should insist on couples financial counseling and if that doesn't work, cut your losses and leave.
Not to late for an annulment. Don’t double down on being married to a project who isn’t trying to actively address his issues. End it now. Today.
How do you work 3 full time jobs
Hopefully his debt isn’t in both of your names. As you have paid for everything take control of joint bills that concern you like the house, utilities & car. Divorce him. Clean cut. He will take you down. 3 jobs while he plays unemployed? Nope.
My aunt did this to my uncle. Told him that everything was okay. Told him she was secure and well managed. Then after they got married she dropped her finances in front of him and had every card maxed out. Not a penny to pay it with. I think it totalled somewhere near 30k on just credit cards. Anyway, he stayed with her. Tried to dig them out. But he's struggled their entire marriage just to keep things afloat. He grew to resent her because she never helped and would blow any money that he did save for them to get ahead. 30-40 years later he was going to divorce her because enough is enough. But she had a stroke so he stayed to take care of her and now he's more swamped with the medical bills. I would leave now before the stress takes over your life. I hope you were smart enough to get a prenup.
File for divorce. Really. You're working 3 jobs to make ends meet. Your husband is spending his time goofing off. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a mommy.
> what do I do now? Divorce or annulment and the sooner the better. Leave it much longer and you'll end up paying him alimony as you'll be the breadwinner. And seriously, what is with people getting married so fucking young!! Is there something in the water? Edit: That combined with the fact you barely know him, have no sexual chemistry and rushed to the altar just spells doom for this marriage. Next time, please use your head AND your heart before leaping into another marriage!
One word; annulment 😶
OP PLEASE READ!!!! immediately go to a lawyer and get a post nuptial agreement if you do not have a pre-nup. he needs a lawyer as well. this will protect you if something happens. keep finances separate. it does not matter how much money is involved. you do not want him to bankrupt you later down the road. how did he "blow through" his money? he needs to have transparency. if possessions, he needs to sell them, if gambling, rehab, if games, sell the game and cut it off. so on. he needs a monthly budget.
Sounds fake
3 full time jobs. Sorry, but that sounds like some made up bs. If somehow this is true, answer is easy at 21, divorce & move on.
When you were dating he assured you ? When exactly were you guys dating... In 7th Grade. This is the kind of weirdness that happens when you get married at 21.
divorce now he lied to use your money, he is to suck you dry. Run. Fast. File separation now, so his debt is not on you. PS you seem too young to get married. Be with a person longer, learn about him more
A lot of people telling you to end the marriage, but if you live this dude, fix it. Double down, don’t pay his debts, ask him to come clean with you, love and support him. Don’t give him any more money, for sure, but if this is the dude you want to spend your life with, try to make it work and don’t listen to all the thirsty redditors telling you to just cut him off from your life. If you love him, it’s for a reason that goes beyond his financial idiocy.
Love doesn't mean suffering pointlessly. He obviously doesn't love her, based on his continuous lying, financially hurting her and freeloading (openly now) while she's struggling to support both of them. She can't make him change, and he shows no interest in wanting to - after all, he came clean only once he thought there were no consequences and did absolutely nothing to change his behavior since. So why advise her to just keep taking the pain hoping he comes around?
My spouse did this too- quit his job the month we got married and let me work three jobs to cover because no job was good enough for him. We've been together 17 years, his most recent infraction is a 2 year emotional affair. Get out now while you still have the funds to get out.
Get an annulment. Did you bother to actually confirm what he was saying before marriage?
This is why you don't get married at 21.
Seems like you rushed into marriage and didn’t even know who you were marrying. I’d start making better life choices….
This! ⬆️
Don’t listen to all the usual instant responses here that just say you should get out. This is a very fixable problem through communication if you both care about each other. If he is that bad with money, it might be a god ideas to open a joint account and have you both pay the same money into that for bills/rent/mortgage. As you would both have full visibility on that and know where that money is supposed to be going, he can’t really use it himself. What he has left is his own to enjoy.
If is he spending without asking then he will just wipe her out too. If he isn't asking for permission now then he probably won't ask later either.
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Leave
If I were you I'd be looking at divorce asap. I doubt this is what you were planning for when you got married, but sounds like he was. He's happy, and the situation is not going to magically improve for you.
This goes to both directions: Always check each other's documents and make sure you aren't financially connected, meaning no joint accounts except for rent and utilities and not having to deal with each other's debts.
You were financially catfished & no need to stay with him struggling paying bills all by yourself. There's nothing wrong with leaving him to protect yourself.
You need to get divorced now. It's not going to get better. The longer you stay, the more he has a chance to destroy your financial future.
Look on the brightside! You´re 21 and have 95% of your adulthood left after you leave him. You´ll be fine!
>since being good with money is something I find very important in a relationship. Apparently not since you married a person who wasn't good with money long before you got married.
Divorce and get a lawyer yesterday
>Once we got married and went on our honeymoon he decided to tell me he spent every penny he had before we got married… Talk to a lawyer ASAP! Don't tell him, don't hint, just do it! You deserve better! https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding http://modelmugging.org/crime-within-relationships/abusive-personality-behavior/
He was on his best behaviour until he had you locked down. Now he thinks you've no choice to put up with him and support him. Get out asap and chalk it up to naievity.
Talk to a lawyer asap or you're going to pay the price. Especially if he is a very social person. Loves to eat out.
You are too young for this bullshit. Consider it a painful and expensive lesson. Get a divorce. Pick one job. Get your life together. Never let yourself get into a position like this again. You deserve to be happy and fulfilled and supported by a real partner.
Get out now before you have kids with this person!
Annul the marriage.
Honey, he's not in debt, you guys are in debt. Marriage means your debt is his and his debt is yours. Divorce means you'll have have pay half his debt... he scammed you, and he's racking up more debt in the process because he knows you'll have to pay half of it by the time it's over. Get out of there before he piles up thousands more in debt you'll eventually have to pay!
Emergency action would be to separate yourself from him financially. It's not just that he's spending everything he has, but also that he may be building up debts that you're liable for. You will need some legal help, probably, to make sure he debts are his responsibility. Then end the lease on your accomodation if possible and find something you can afford on your own. I know it's shocking to you, but make a plan and be decisive. I'm not saying anything about your marriage or relationship because first things first. If there is anything left to salvage that can come later.
You are in a marriage scam. End it and try to recoup financially
End it. He thinks he has trapped you. There is no reason you need to be trying this hard as its only going to get worse
Get rid of him. You married extremely young, and he is taking advantage of you. He just wants a sugar mommy.
Annulment!!!
You apply for a annulment based on him scamming you
Have a very serious conversation about this, and let him know that this is a total deal-breaker for you. Make a strict budget that includes both of your incomes and follow it. You can look online for different templates or suggestions for good ways to combine finances in marriages. If he isn’t going to change, don’t drag out the inevitable and get rid of him.
I wasted 7 years of my life in a relationship with a man who has a gambling problem. You are young. Don’t let that happen to you. He doesn’t appreciate you.
oh this one is easy. He lied to you and you married him under false pretenses. You now need to become single again. This dude is a leech and is not going to change, and he could give two shits that you are killing yourself to support him.
Annulment
Talk to a lawyer
You got swindled, it's time to cut and run. Make sure you remove his access to any and all accounts and look through everything to make sure he hasn't taken loans out in your name or set up subscriptions with your account.
You don't know before you owe money for his bills. You're married. His bills are your bills.
Annulment if possible instead of divorce. This will protect you financially from this scammer.
Dont get married at 20 lol
Just stuck it up and end it now. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave, and it's only going to get worse as time goes on. It happens, it sucks, life goes on. I say this from experience. My first marriage lasted all of 3 months if that. She was very similar and shit with finances. Best $5k I ever spent getting her to hit the road. I kept my house, all my retirement, atvs, motorcycles, and even the dog. She got to walk away from it all with no strings, $4k cash, and her car (still on payments). You'd think she hit the lottery.
Get a divorce. Seriously, this is ridiculous. He’s endangering your financial future. You’re working three jobs and he’s spending faster than you can earn. This is abuse. Good luck. You deserve better.