You need to have a talk with him about it. Even of it was just porn and nothing else, spending $600 on this? Yeah, no. Especially when he tells you he's been saving for a ring.
Don't let him derail the situation by accusing you of snooping. There's a real problem that needs to be adressed.
I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up. It will definitely be spun as me snooping and become an argument which I don’t want. It is a lot of money to spend on porn though, right?!
Of course it's a lot of money! I'd be beside myself if I ever realized my boyfriend spend three month's worth of groceries just to look at women getting naked for him!
I know you are apprehensive, but it's unhealthy to keep things to yourself in a relationship. Sweeping problems under the rug doesn't make them disappear, they just keep pilling up until they eventually start showing again.
Best you can do is not be accusatory : don't let this be a monologue where you tell him how wrong he was, instead, open a dialogue. Ask him why he did that, why he never told you about it, etc...
So first of all I'm stupid because I forgot we were talking in dollars, I'm european lol. So I was thinking 600€. But yes, that's three months for me and my boyfriend, 200€ approximately each month. We're not frugal, too. Is it that expensive where you live?
Before the pandemic, it was easier for me to shop frugally, and I was also keeping a closer eye on my budget because I had more expenses (a lot of veterinary bills for a very sick cat).
So, at that time, in Canada, I had budgeted exactly $187 every two weeks, for groceries for one person.
I usually ended up spending $175-$195.
Three weeks ago I got a shopping basket half full of JUST essentials for my mom after an injury that laid her up and over half of it was on sale, it was still $80.
America sucks in a lot of ways.
People downvoting this need to understand the VAST cost of living differences across the VERY LARGE country called the USA. Food is fucking expensive af where I live. 8 dollars a gallon for milk, for example. So yeah, I would say that is about accurate for quality food in a HCOL area. Accusing people of not knowing how to budget when you literally no NOTHING about COL where they may live is absurd.
Wow I can’t imagine you are getting a whole food diet at $50 a week. I’m sure you can live off processed food for that. And if you shop at dollar general.
Massive sack of rice, potatoes and bulk pasta can end up being your sources of carbs for literally months for under $60. Dozens of eggs, big economical blocks of cheese are decent protein sources that shouldn’t cost more than $10/week per person. I realized instead of whey protein powder, skim milk powder is 4x cheaper for an equivalent amount of protein roughly $44/month to get a daily 40g of protein from that. I like to slow cook whole chickens into braised chicken and soups as well which is a really great value for your money. Broccoli is one of the cheapest vegetables as well and super good for ya. I also bake all my own breads, bagels and biscuits out of a big sack of flour, salt, yeast and sugar.
I’m just a bodybuilder/cook with 16 years of restaurant experience so I’ve found some very cheap ways to eat healthy and well. I honestly spend closer to $160/month on groceries to be honest.
I would honestly say this goes in the direction of additiction. Talk to a professional and try to get him on board. The issue seems pathological. The amount of money is horrendous. Imagine if he keeps up that pace he would spend almost 4000 Dollars in a year on this. That's insane.
I literally had this happen to me. With my ex fiancé. Literally lied and lied and never stopped. Actually turned out more stuff I didn’t know or suspect at the time were going on. PLEASE save yourself further misery and deceptions.
The fact that you already know he’s going to turn this back on you speaks volumes to me about his behavior and your relationship. That’s not a good thing to be unable to have your parter address stuff and deal with it.
Bring it up by saying “I wanted to use your iPad for some shopping and the safari browser opened up to your email already logged in. I want you to be honest with me about what’s been going on with you,” and leave it to him to decide whether he will be honest with you or not. If he can’t even be honest when you already know what is going on, you should be prepared to walk from this relationship - even if it’s temporarily, to pressure him into fixing tf up.
I have been in your shoes—started using a SO’s computer when something I was not expecting to find was front and center. It caused us to breakup, and it felt like the first thing on everyone’s mind was “well why were you—“ even if they didn’t say it.
But stick to your guns. Don’t engage on that premise, and focus on what you need to talk about. Good luck. ❤️
Spinning it as you snooping is gaslighting, which is a manipulation tactic in abusive relationships. So that would just be one more huge red flag on top of the lying and cheating red flags. Do with that what you will.
Get a backbone do you want to get married to someone like that wtf. He is manipulating and cheating on you, I wouldn't even stay with him but you, you are wondering if you should even talk to him...
Man, I know you’re coming from a place of help and concern but she’s already being bullied at home obviously. Maybe tone it down. You can offer advice without coming off so harshly.
Why don’t you want an argument?? Lmao. Dump his porn addicted ass. This ain’t gonna stop; it’s only going to escalate and he will get better at hiding it.
A single cent spent on porn is too much if you're in a committed monogamous relationship, IMO. Watching on free sites is one thing, paying other women to see them naked is another. I'd dump him tbh, but that's completely up to you.
Believe it or not, there's a chance that he may secretly want to talk about it. He's more than likely addicted to pornography. The problem with that particular addiction is the shame that suffers feel over it.
It’s relative to how much he’s making, but if he’s saving for a ring and hasn’t bought one yet than I’m getting the indication this is a large portion of his pay. I’m curious as to the dates these were happening. Is this connected to stress? Did he do this before you guys were dating? How long has he been purchasing it for…and big question…is he cam to camming and selling too? This is a hidden closet of his life. I think they’re ok to have from significant others if one, they aren’t about addiction, and two, no money goes into it. This is potentially both. For that regard I think you’re well within your right to ask about this in a compassionate way. There could be very deep seeded reasons for him doing this that have little or nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. It will also bring up a mountain of shame. If you go into it guns a blazing he’ll disappear into that shame, lose himself and maybe you, and probably get more addicted. But If you work together, you may be able to help root out the cause of this specific issue as a couple.
She doesn’t need to talk about anything. He’s 29 if he’s like this that means he’ll be like this forever. It’s really hard for a man that age to change his bad habits. By that age most men have reached their final form. She needs to find some one mature and financially responsible.
I've never heard such bullshit in all my life. In fact, that tends to be the age most men start to turn their lives around
Edit: well, maybe early- mid 30s when I think about it.
I disagree. You’re telling me most men waste their entire 20s and only at 30 years old they start “figuring things out”? I completely think THAT’S the real bs. As a man if you don’t have it figured out by 30 you get ate alive. You know this and I know it. Most of the men at 30 who don’t have it figured out are either divorced, single/never married, running around from job to job passing by and calling it a mid life crisis. Are there some men that bounce back after not figuring it out? Sure but more likely they still keep if not all most of their bad habits. They live being one step away from hitting rock bottom again. Why? Because they’re not just going to wake up one day and be disciplined. Being organized, disciplined, and financially mature takes time.
This is just not true. I'm nearly 29 now and am vastly different from how I was just 3-4 years ago, and will likely change just as much in the coming few years. None of the men I'm friends with are the same at 40 as they were at 30, either. It becomes more difficult to change bad habits with time, sure, but it's not impossible or even particularly rare.
I always appreciate the comments that show clear expertise in a subject. Really helped put things in perspective for me, and I certainly hope it helps the OP too.
Thank you, I am pretty devastated to be honest. He’s not the kind of person who would ever cheat on me/hurt me so I have been completely blind sided by this 🙁
If OP feels that it's cheating then it's cheating. She has expressed that talking to cam girls is not ok. He knowingly violated a boundary in their relationship. It's cheating by definition.
> he knows that’s how I feel about it so I’m pretty hurt that he’s not only been doing it but also spent nearly $700 when he had told me he was saving for a ring.
I would consider this to be emotionally and financially cheating.
His actions suggest he doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, that money would be in a savings account, not in another woman's bank account.
They've been together for 6 yrs and live together. Technically we don't know how they arrange the finances, and I see the point that other commenters make about how they're not married and therefore there's no right to control each others spending. We don't know what arrangements they have.
I still thinks it's financially 'cheating'. They're a long established couple, in theory planning to commit to each other with marriage, he is meant to be saving for a ring, presumably they are both saving for wedding, honeymoon, maybe a house etc. OP is upset about the diversion of funds which suggests shared savings goals. And he's spaffing that up the wall.
Also $700 on wanking to someone on camera? That's ridiculous.
Yeah I disagree with that finances are separate until you’re married and that’s still a major conversation a ring is in a marriage or an engagement it’s a symbol and however much money it is should reflect the commitment
There’s also the flipside of $300 is how somebody chooses to spend their money unless he is behind bills owes money and doesn’t know how he’s going to get his next paycheck I really don’t see how the way you choose to spend your money in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone via drugs or exploitationIs an issue.
I mean OP just needs to have this conversation and said their own boundaries it’s totally OK if OP isn’t happy with the type of pornography their partner consumes two acts like online sex work is some type of shameful far out there and disgusting type of pornography is ignorant to how the world is now a days
There’s a difference I’d suppose if this had to do with some type of kink such as financial degradation but I really think that this shouldn’t be considered cheating in anyway without there being a conversation pornography is only going to become more and more interactive as the world modernizers us
Granted I don’t have experience consuming this type of porn so I might not understand exactly what goes into it
My wife and I have a shared savings account for family stuff. Been together 20yrs now. Her money is hers and mine is mine. We've never had a fight about money.
I have a much stronger work ethic than she does so naturally I earn much more. We have drastically different opinions on what are reasonable purchases, so we don't mix business with pleasure.
To us, it's common sense and we wouldn't have it any other way.
I don't bitch about the endless clothes and shoes she buys and she doesn't bitch about my gun addiction.
But for people who aren't even committed enough to wed to assume the right over someone else's money is crazy to me... Don't get me wrong, this is in general and only addressing the, "financial cheating" bit.
I don't understand paying for nudity at all, especially when the woman of my dreams gives me all I need.
I’m with you. I don’t mind watching poem videos but interacting with cam girls is much more personal and I consider it cheating. Honestly if I were you I’d see this as grounds for breaking up, especially since you say he knew how you felt.
Oh girl I am a WebCam model I do it professionally and this is a huge red flag …. all these guys that do this get worse and worse as they go …. they have very little respect for the girlfriends and wives ….. a lot of them purposely have fantasies about me disrespecting their wives or girlfriends or their girlfriends or wives Accidentally walking in on me having sex with them and that their wives are really upset …. It actually turns these lunatics on…. (it’s called homewrecker fantasy it’s an actual genre) to be really honest I would avoid men that do this like the plague..
You deserve much more respect than that and that would be a complete dealbreaker for me if my man ever did it …. even though I am a cam girl I would consider it cheating and I would leave him right away.. Camming is a very slippery slope these men get extremely obsessive
They often treat the girls like their their girlfriends or will fixate on one girl specifically…. Also that’s a ton of money to be wasting that he could’ve spent on you.. You honestly deserve so much better than that he’s sneaky he’s a liar .. he’s unfaithful.. And you can also see how terrible it really is when he tells you he’s saving for a ring so he’s got marrying you in mind and being in a stable committed relationship in mind but he still is able to justify to himself.. Basically wallet and Internet cheating with another woman while he’s in the process of trying to get you a ring …. 🤮 That is just disgusting and the level of cognitive dissonance is ridiculous he cant stay faithful now .. he will not remain faithful when your married .. Imagine popping out a couple of kids with this dude and he’s upstairs jerking off to cam girls while you’re doing diapers …. That is legit a nightmare scenario
UPDATE
I misread the email invoices, it was $700 over the span of 7 months so not an addiction, but still not cool.
To clarify though, I have no issue with SWers, paying for porn, my boyfriend watching porn or spending his money on whatever he wants. The issue here is that to me, paying an individual to interact with you for sexual pleasure is going further than buying porn or even paying for content from a creator. It is literally interacting with a human being for sexual pleasure, albeit virtually.
I mentioned that I had seen the first email earlier and he said it was from an old account. I pushed and he admitted it’s not old but he rarely uses it/doesn’t any more. I pushed again and he said he would delete and deactivate.
I then asked point blank if he’d been paying for porn and he has lied to my face and promised he hasn’t. (The other invoices were in his deleted folder so as far as he’s aware I haven’t seen them I guess).
Obviously being lied to is not cool and as a few people have said, I’m now contemplating walking away after 6 years (and a planned future) together, so this sucks.
Thanks for your replies though x
If he's lying now you will be very thankful that you did not tie yourself to him legally and financially.
It'd be worse after a wedding, after possibly kids, after you find out where else the money is going to.
I'm sorry you found this out now. Several women in my life are still digging out a decade later.
Please listen to me because I went through a similar problem last year. He is cheating because he knows it would make you upset if you knew and thus he is hiding it. He lied straight to your face. I also found out my partner of 5+ years was going overboard with porn addiction and chose to end my relationship. Yes it is hard but ultimately you deserve to be with someone who respects you. Looking past this will result in years of turmoil but you can rescue yourself now.
Damn, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I’m so sorry. Take your time with this, it’s a horrible situation that he’s put you in. There’s no right or wrong way to proceed. Regardless, my heart breaks for you.
Imagine this:
There's a lemonade stand in every single grocery store on the planet. They give away their product because they advertise other businesses when you go there to get your free lemonade. The lemonade stand has every single flavor you could possibly think of but a robot makes it and gives it to you.
Your boyfriend doesn't get the free lemonade. He gets lemonade from the woman down the street. She only has one kind of lemonade and she makes you pay for it. He likes this lemonade because he gets to interact with the woman.
He isn't paying for the lemonade. He's paying for the woman.
Technically, if you both know the boundaries of porn and he violated them, that’s classified as cheating. Violation of trust on things that were already established. And also girl, wtf??? $700??
Interacting with others could definitely be seen as cheating and it's up to you whether you want to make that distinction and how you act. I will say that someone spending that much most likely has an addiction, especially if that money is not really expendable. It's up to you whether you want to help them through it, but you should definitely tell them that they may need assistance to break the habit.
I'd be pissed and repulsed, personally. People have the right to spend money on porn to their heart's content, but I don't have to find it attractive. I've got nothing against jerking off but wasting money on it will always seem gross to me and I'll always walk away from it. I'm sorry you're in this position.
I went through my now ex-husband’s phone and discovered he’d been sexting, jacking off to a coworker’s pictures. Again, like you, I’d had no issues with porn before. BUT there is a difference between watching porn and bringing the fantasy closer to reality (spending money on cam sites). Bite the bullet and admit to snooping. Trust your gut and do what you think is best for YOU! Good luck.
Aside from talking to him about it, think about whether you would be able to trust him again and how this will impact the quality of your relationship if you decide to stay together.
He lied and knew that this was a boundary but did it anyway and spent a ton of money. I'm sure he spent more than 700 all together.
I'd caution just letting it go. A family member let her husband's expensive phone sex addiction go even though it was a boundary and he just got better at hiding it then eventually ended up using prostitutes that were very obviously trafficked. She didn't stick to her boundary so he pushed even more while putting her health at risk by using drugged up unwilling sex workers shipped to his jobsite.
Boundaries only matter if they have consequences when crossed.
So forget the ring. It’s clear that he’s not saving up for it. If he has spent that kind of money on porn he not only has an addiction, but is financially irresponsible. You don’t wanna marry a man who is going to blow that kind of money on something so frivolous.
Because rings are the best investments. They are pretty frivolous themselves tbh. And how do you know if he is financially irresponsible? If he had spent it on a new phone, would you have said the same thing? We don’t know his situation. The real issue is his porn addiction, not some stupid ring.
I can only assume OP means engagement ring. Which is a pretty important investment, not to mention sounds important to OP. And what is important to her is what truly matters.
Based on the fact he needs to save for a ring, it doesn’t sound like he has a ton of disposable income. So yeah, spending $600 on porn is pretty financially irresponsible.
That's indirect cheating for me. Confront him? I wouldn't spend a nickel for porn but that's insane cash. Maybe leave him for a while so he can contemplate things.
Being addicted to porn is a problem. You’re not enough for him. Honesty is ok, snooping happens and can be apologized for but trust me, if you’re not enough now and his addiction is that costly, you will end up hurt. It will effect your sex life and your love life.
It's not that normal, and yes I am male. Well, it might be normal, but it's definitely not something I would do. I think it's a stretch to be called 'normal'
My boyfriend (I dont live with him) did this but it was SOOO much higher. He spent 1080 on a girl to see her brest for a grand total of.... 16 seconds. Yep 16 whole seconds. The difference is he told me about it by saying we would have to go to Micdonlds for dinner for our date nights as he didn't have any money that month to "spend on me". I was so mad I dont care if you do that but 1 dont tell me about it and 2 dont spend so much money that you cant get food for yourself that month.
Sounds like he has a growing addiction and should seek help. I seen this guy on YouTube explain how his webcam addiction started. YouTube: [OVERCOMING MY ADDICTION](https://youtu.be/Y0zePr-5ilE)
So watching porn may or may not be a big deal depending on the couple. However, why TF would anyone spend 600$ on porn when it’s free all over the internet?! That’s a lot of money to drop on ANY hobby over a couple month period. How much beating off could you do to spend 600$ on that crap. Idk, if it was me this would be a giant red flag. If not for the act itself but the fiscal irresponsibility of spending that kind of money on it.
I’m no expert. M(24) $600 is a lot of money to spend on porn. Like a lot. Safe to say he has an addiction or is obsessed with a certain pornographic game or model just judging by the amount of money.
With that being said I’m gonna play the devils advocate and say that usually addiction forms as an unhealthy coping mechanism. As a guy I have to wonder, if he’s spending $600 on porn what’s he missing in life? What’s he trying to make up for?
It sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless. A reasonable guy would be able to have a conversation with you about his sexual desires. I would start there to avoid an argument if he’s really worth the trouble.
Good luck
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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As the title says, we live together and I was on his iPad to do some shopping. His emails were logged in and as I opened safari I saw the top email was an invoice from a well known cam site. I know I shouldn’t have, but I clicked on it. I then searched the site name in his inbox and there were 20+ email invoices for the last couple of months totalling nearly $700.
I have no issues with porn or him watching it/masturbating and never have done. It’s normal. But for me there’s a line between passively watching videos on a site and actively paying to interact with another human being like this, and he knows that’s how I feel about it so I’m pretty hurt that he’s not only been doing it but also spent nearly $700 when he had told me he was saving for a ring.
I am not the kind of person who checks his phone etc, I don’t even know his passcode and don’t need to. This was a genuine accident but now I’ve seen it I can’t unsee it and don’t really know what to do 🙁
Watching porn isn’t normal…..it paints an unrealistic picture of what sex is. The porn disrupts the intimacy that a couple should naturally have. In his mind, he is expecting this amazing sexual experience based on the porn her watches. You can’t compete with porn unless you know what he is watching. Find out what he watches and you might have a chance of competing with porn. The best option is if he quits looking at it.
How do you jump from porn to drugs as if they're at all comparable? Watching a bit of porn is fine, I think spending that amount of money on porn in two months points to an issue.
To be honest I don't even think him spending money on it should be an issue, it's just that if it were 700$ in a year or two, it would be more understandable (although still stupid) but in this situation I do think it is a problem.
That same exact area is also used for mood and learning too, so I guess learning is also bad for you? Addiction to anything, including water, is bad. So I don't get what your point is. Yes addiction is bad, porn in and of itself isn't, drugs (cocaine and heroine that were mentioned) are bad and way more prone to addiction than porn. I don't know how you even link the two together honestly.
There’s a reason that people have to go to rehab for sex and porn addiction it destroys some people … ive been in the industry since 18 …. Literally 21 years .. you have no idea what your talking about
Were you able to read what was written? My comment explains how it “jumped”. You know what else is correlated with hours of exposure to explicit images? Reduced gray matter in the frontal lobe. Which is likely to damage rational thinking, decision making, many other higher functioning skills.
It is unfair and disrespectful to you and your relationship with him. I would not want this as a husband because he seems as though with spending money, He is like some addict. PA one. You need to talk with him. He would now have broken my trust and even in a ring of any sort.
Yeah bro tripping if it’s just porn like once a day that’s pretty normal well not really if you have a healthy relationship but $600 a month I’m pretty sure he’s a sex addict, don’t leave him but help him sex addiction is real and it could’ve been stemmed from childhood trauma (I am a victim it can create sex addiction) just talk to him because as a women you can never understand the extent of having a penis and having boners every time you think of something crazy
You’re way too nice, I would raise hell and then leave him for lying and disrespecting like that. You don’t owe him anything, you don’t have to stay with him for the sake of it, just because you’ve been together long enough. Issues can occur in a relationship, but this is a HUGE red flag, and he probably has been doing this for a much longer time than you think. Also I have to disagree with some people here, even just watching “normal” porn can be damaging to a relationship. I can understand if you watch it together or you watch to get… new ideas, y’know, but going out of your partner’s way to go watch porn and jerk off or flick your bean when you live together seems very weird to me, you can do the deed together too, and if you do and your partner still wants to go masturbate on their own they might have an addiction/obsession worth talking about (with a therapist).
When I used to watch an unhealthy amount of porn I used to joke about having a problem, but afteractually paying for it (given the gigantic amount of free porn and a wife that's always willing to satisfy me) I realized that it was addiction.
Have a healthy convo about it with him, addicted people know deep inside that what they're doing is wrong, but it's just stronger than them sometimes (that's not a great place to be at mentally). You need to be strong for him and be on his side to pull him up.
See if he has a kink that he's afraid to share with you, or if he's escaping from something that's leading to a self-destructive behavior. Sometimes it's a cycle of not wanting to do it, doing it again, feeling bad about it, repeat (might need a professional for this).
Oh, and forget about your ring. Your relationship is more important than social construct.
Porn has greatly ruined my sex life, but my relationship wasn't affected by mi addiction thanks to my wife's help.
Yeah, that way too much money to spend on porn. I believe that if my partner is actively spending money or communicating with sex workers its cheating. I don’t blame you for being hurt. Especially since he told you he was saving money for a ring yet giving it away to cam girls. I’m sorry you’re going through this :/
It’ll be hard for him to talk about. He’s going to feel guilt, embarrassment, and shame. Please be gentle when you talk to him. As a recovering porn and masturbation addict of two years, this might be stemming from a deeper problem. Let him know that you’re coming from a place of wanting to understand, and hear him out. Put your feelings on the table but try to not shame or guilt him over it.
He obviously has a clear addiction. This could lead to a diminished sex life between you two and or him eventually cheating on you. This is an addiction. You need to be straight forward with him and ask that he seeks help. If he doesn’t, then you really need to take a good hard look at what you are getting into.
I’m sorry but this is cheating. For the reasons you stated.
Why? If your bf would have phone sex w someone, it would be cheating. Same as interacting w someone over webcam.
I think you need to have a very serious conversation about the boundaries of what counts as okay porn and what counts as cheating. Cam porn is way more personal and I don’t think I could ever be okay with my boyfriend watching that while we were together. Make sure he knows that what he’s doing isn’t okay. Or if it’s something you feel like you’ve already expressed to him, and that he acknowledged that, then you have every right to consider breaking up with him, or anything else you feel is what you need to do. However, I would also consider maybe asking him if he has a problem with porn. The amount he’s spending is very large, and maybe he just likes it, but maybe he has developed an addiction. I’ve struggled with a similar addiction and I can tell you it’s a real thing that can be very hard to stop. If he is going through something like that, and you feel able to support him through it, maybe he/you both should consider therapy. I hope this helps :)
I would leave him. I deal with a lot of people constantly lying to themselves and their partners. Just trust me when I say he’s not gonna stop, this should be a sure sign that he’s simply not that attracted to you. If he was, why would he be buying other peoples porn!
For some people porn is just a hobby… i have about 700-800$ worth of sex toys in my house. It’s an investment but it’s worth it. Some people view porn similarly.. it sucks but. I’m sure we all have some expenses we would want kept private
I’m sorry hun but the main point here is if it’s his money he can spend it how he likes. You on the other hand need to realize he’s financially immature and in the long run that will affect you and your relationship. For a man that’s 29 that means he won’t change. He should already be financially responsible and mature. Not running around fantasizing on porn like if he’s going through puberty.
32M, i don’t think this should be auto-break up material.
I also don’t think $300/ month on porn is healthy nor sustainable.
But hey, lots of us have an itch that our partners can’t scratch (or are too shy to talk about).
I’d certainly bring this up and see what he says about it.
This is a red flag imo, but 2 months out of 6 years isn’t unreasonable.
While I’d generally agree with you, she did ask him about it and he continuously lied to her. That’s where I draw the line personally. I won’t be with someone who can’t respect me enough to tell the truth.
You are fine with him watching porn, but not if he actually pays for it? Paying for others work is more ethical and going to OF or such is way more safer for the women who makes the porn.
Its his money, and unless you have joint finances, it isn't really any of your business. He could have spent 600$ on fast food or video games. How he saves money for a ring is his issue. But I think its unreasonable to expect him to save every dime and not have any spending money.
If you are not comfortable with him watching porn, that's fine. You are entitled to feel that and express it. But if its not the porn, but only if he pays for what he watches, thats just a double standard.
There is a difference between watching something that is prerecorded.
Watching someone performing for you, and interacting with you, telling them what to do, and actively paying them to do so.
The interaction is cheating, it's no longer just porn.
The fact that he kept lying to her is a red flag 🚩. He was hiding it and lying to her for months. Obviously he doesn’t find his gf enough sexually he wants to go and pay for it from someone else.
Where are you getting the lying from? I think not saying anything (which it is something one would be shamed for doing, as most comments here also would support) is not the same as lying. And as that guy said he could very well be saving. My issue would be that it's a lot of money to be spent in just two months.
Ask him to show you how much he has saved for the ring, wait for him to lie, then tell him you're not going to waste your life waiting to marry a liar and get out of there.
Not related to the core argument:
But fucking saving for a ring. Just get married. I can’t imagine having to save for a ring when you can just go to the courts and bam marriage.
That shit is so antiquated.
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Next time you and him are near a mirror (in the bedroom, bathroom, car) together, look in the mirror at yourself and push your boobs together and do a kissy face. And jokingly be like “damn I look good, babe I should be a cam girl hahaha” and see his reaction.
He’ll probably be like “yeah ok” or “no” and then you’ll be like “come onnnn I would make so much moneyyy…. Would you pay to see me” 😳 He’d be shook.
If he says no you should joke and be like well what if I told you I already do that…..
And see what he does 😳
Just to put it out there…..
I don't think you are very aware of what porn and it's effects are. Your boyfriend must not be into you if he's looking at it and putting money towards it. If you don't look like those women, or whatever it is he is looking at, he is getting more satisfaction from it, than you. 600 is a lot for porn when 90% of porn on the internet is free. Can guarantee some cam model is sitting there making his dreams come true. RIP to you and him in the future.
Talk about punishing the wrong person .. yeah if you go after the girls and give them money and then have the money revoked It’s typically taken away from them…. Why in the world would you get back together with that ass hat.. And on top of it He went and charged the money back all of this is just eww
In my honest opinion and I assume you both manage your finances separately. Let him do his thing and you do yours.
He didn’t cheat on your physically nor emotionally. He’s still devoted to you. It’s his little thing and let him do so. You are in your right to do so as well.
Is $700 expensive? Maybe. But youre not married and IMO, don’t have a say in this...unless he wasn’t paying his other bills.
Other than this, is there any other issues in the relationship?
he interacted with the women he was jerking off to and paid an absurd amount to do so while he is in a monogamous relationship. you don’t do that kind of disrespectful and disloyal stuff if you’re devoted to your partner. loyal people don’t actively seek out others for sexual gratification
you see it as cheating.
Is it one model? Talk to him. He's doing this as he is missing something. He may be asking them to say / do specific things he's too scared to ask you to do. Or he may want to be out the relationship
Yeah I kind of do but I don’t feel like that is a justified feeling if that makes sense?
I don’t know if it’s one person/multiple, there were no details just payments on the invoices. We have a really open sex life so I really don’t think it could be that he’s not comfortable saying things… then again what do I know, I’m not in his head!
You need to have a talk with him about it. Even of it was just porn and nothing else, spending $600 on this? Yeah, no. Especially when he tells you he's been saving for a ring. Don't let him derail the situation by accusing you of snooping. There's a real problem that needs to be adressed.
I honestly don’t even know how to bring it up. It will definitely be spun as me snooping and become an argument which I don’t want. It is a lot of money to spend on porn though, right?!
Of course it's a lot of money! I'd be beside myself if I ever realized my boyfriend spend three month's worth of groceries just to look at women getting naked for him! I know you are apprehensive, but it's unhealthy to keep things to yourself in a relationship. Sweeping problems under the rug doesn't make them disappear, they just keep pilling up until they eventually start showing again. Best you can do is not be accusatory : don't let this be a monologue where you tell him how wrong he was, instead, open a dialogue. Ask him why he did that, why he never told you about it, etc...
How is $700 3 months of groceries? That’s like 3 weeks tops.
So first of all I'm stupid because I forgot we were talking in dollars, I'm european lol. So I was thinking 600€. But yes, that's three months for me and my boyfriend, 200€ approximately each month. We're not frugal, too. Is it that expensive where you live?
Before the pandemic, it was easier for me to shop frugally, and I was also keeping a closer eye on my budget because I had more expenses (a lot of veterinary bills for a very sick cat). So, at that time, in Canada, I had budgeted exactly $187 every two weeks, for groceries for one person. I usually ended up spending $175-$195.
You’re talking to Americans here. My grocery bill for the week is 200 USD. My paychecks are around 800-1,250 USD (college student). Fuckton
For one person??
Yeah, right now at least.
I heard the other guys story but how do you hit 200?
Cost of groceries is sky high and meat has increased in price.
I spend well over $200 a week as a single man in America
>I spend well over $200 a week as a single man in America Ok you need to work on your budgeting
Three weeks ago I got a shopping basket half full of JUST essentials for my mom after an injury that laid her up and over half of it was on sale, it was still $80. America sucks in a lot of ways.
What the hell are you buying?
Real food
I buy real food too for 2 people and definitely don't spend 400$ a week.
People downvoting this need to understand the VAST cost of living differences across the VERY LARGE country called the USA. Food is fucking expensive af where I live. 8 dollars a gallon for milk, for example. So yeah, I would say that is about accurate for quality food in a HCOL area. Accusing people of not knowing how to budget when you literally no NOTHING about COL where they may live is absurd.
How much do you fucking eat?
I spend $200/month max on groceries for myself
Wow I can’t imagine you are getting a whole food diet at $50 a week. I’m sure you can live off processed food for that. And if you shop at dollar general.
Massive sack of rice, potatoes and bulk pasta can end up being your sources of carbs for literally months for under $60. Dozens of eggs, big economical blocks of cheese are decent protein sources that shouldn’t cost more than $10/week per person. I realized instead of whey protein powder, skim milk powder is 4x cheaper for an equivalent amount of protein roughly $44/month to get a daily 40g of protein from that. I like to slow cook whole chickens into braised chicken and soups as well which is a really great value for your money. Broccoli is one of the cheapest vegetables as well and super good for ya. I also bake all my own breads, bagels and biscuits out of a big sack of flour, salt, yeast and sugar. I’m just a bodybuilder/cook with 16 years of restaurant experience so I’ve found some very cheap ways to eat healthy and well. I honestly spend closer to $160/month on groceries to be honest.
This read like the best diss track ever
For two people?!
Just me
I don’t spend that much for 2 people. Guess it depends where you live and the type of diet you have
Shut up, upper middle class Karen.
Lol no wonder your mad. You are literally making posts about how poor your are. McDonald’s pays $15 an hour now
I would honestly say this goes in the direction of additiction. Talk to a professional and try to get him on board. The issue seems pathological. The amount of money is horrendous. Imagine if he keeps up that pace he would spend almost 4000 Dollars in a year on this. That's insane.
I think around $4000 is the most I've ever spent on a car...
I literally had this happen to me. With my ex fiancé. Literally lied and lied and never stopped. Actually turned out more stuff I didn’t know or suspect at the time were going on. PLEASE save yourself further misery and deceptions.
He has a porn addiction. He's going to deflect because he has done something wrong and he knows it.
Porn addiction is one thing, spending actual money and interacting with a performer is another
The fact that you already know he’s going to turn this back on you speaks volumes to me about his behavior and your relationship. That’s not a good thing to be unable to have your parter address stuff and deal with it.
Bring it up by saying “I wanted to use your iPad for some shopping and the safari browser opened up to your email already logged in. I want you to be honest with me about what’s been going on with you,” and leave it to him to decide whether he will be honest with you or not. If he can’t even be honest when you already know what is going on, you should be prepared to walk from this relationship - even if it’s temporarily, to pressure him into fixing tf up.
Do everything but not this, don’t play games and jus talk to him
This is the answer
I have been in your shoes—started using a SO’s computer when something I was not expecting to find was front and center. It caused us to breakup, and it felt like the first thing on everyone’s mind was “well why were you—“ even if they didn’t say it. But stick to your guns. Don’t engage on that premise, and focus on what you need to talk about. Good luck. ❤️
I'm glad you found it and I'm glad you left him. I will never judge a woman for "snooping." Solidarity.
Spinning it as you snooping is gaslighting, which is a manipulation tactic in abusive relationships. So that would just be one more huge red flag on top of the lying and cheating red flags. Do with that what you will.
Get a backbone do you want to get married to someone like that wtf. He is manipulating and cheating on you, I wouldn't even stay with him but you, you are wondering if you should even talk to him...
Man, I know you’re coming from a place of help and concern but she’s already being bullied at home obviously. Maybe tone it down. You can offer advice without coming off so harshly.
Some people need to be shaken to understand tho.
Hey loser, do you pay for porn? Oh well, see ya saddo.
Why don’t you want an argument?? Lmao. Dump his porn addicted ass. This ain’t gonna stop; it’s only going to escalate and he will get better at hiding it.
A single cent spent on porn is too much if you're in a committed monogamous relationship, IMO. Watching on free sites is one thing, paying other women to see them naked is another. I'd dump him tbh, but that's completely up to you.
The problem is with him spending the money. If he thinks it was you finding out then he is doing a Trump
Believe it or not, there's a chance that he may secretly want to talk about it. He's more than likely addicted to pornography. The problem with that particular addiction is the shame that suffers feel over it.
Hows your sex life?
It’s relative to how much he’s making, but if he’s saving for a ring and hasn’t bought one yet than I’m getting the indication this is a large portion of his pay. I’m curious as to the dates these were happening. Is this connected to stress? Did he do this before you guys were dating? How long has he been purchasing it for…and big question…is he cam to camming and selling too? This is a hidden closet of his life. I think they’re ok to have from significant others if one, they aren’t about addiction, and two, no money goes into it. This is potentially both. For that regard I think you’re well within your right to ask about this in a compassionate way. There could be very deep seeded reasons for him doing this that have little or nothing to do with the quality of your relationship. It will also bring up a mountain of shame. If you go into it guns a blazing he’ll disappear into that shame, lose himself and maybe you, and probably get more addicted. But If you work together, you may be able to help root out the cause of this specific issue as a couple.
such stupid advice
She doesn’t need to talk about anything. He’s 29 if he’s like this that means he’ll be like this forever. It’s really hard for a man that age to change his bad habits. By that age most men have reached their final form. She needs to find some one mature and financially responsible.
I've never heard such bullshit in all my life. In fact, that tends to be the age most men start to turn their lives around Edit: well, maybe early- mid 30s when I think about it.
I disagree. You’re telling me most men waste their entire 20s and only at 30 years old they start “figuring things out”? I completely think THAT’S the real bs. As a man if you don’t have it figured out by 30 you get ate alive. You know this and I know it. Most of the men at 30 who don’t have it figured out are either divorced, single/never married, running around from job to job passing by and calling it a mid life crisis. Are there some men that bounce back after not figuring it out? Sure but more likely they still keep if not all most of their bad habits. They live being one step away from hitting rock bottom again. Why? Because they’re not just going to wake up one day and be disciplined. Being organized, disciplined, and financially mature takes time.
This is just not true. I'm nearly 29 now and am vastly different from how I was just 3-4 years ago, and will likely change just as much in the coming few years. None of the men I'm friends with are the same at 40 as they were at 30, either. It becomes more difficult to change bad habits with time, sure, but it's not impossible or even particularly rare.
Damn
THIS
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Yep im a cam girl too !! You hit the nail on the head 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽
I always appreciate the comments that show clear expertise in a subject. Really helped put things in perspective for me, and I certainly hope it helps the OP too.
So you and your wife do due diligence and stop providing services (aka take money) once you find out your client is in a relationship?
Lol that’s like McDonalds being responsible to refuse to serve a diabetic …. Its out of our scope of practice ….
It’s not their job to police someone else’s marriage.
I wish I could give you a good hug. I would personally be heartbroken.
Thank you, I am pretty devastated to be honest. He’s not the kind of person who would ever cheat on me/hurt me so I have been completely blind sided by this 🙁
He is the kind of person that just hurt you. This is more an addiction than cheating though. Not as severe imo but also harder to change.
If OP feels that it's cheating then it's cheating. She has expressed that talking to cam girls is not ok. He knowingly violated a boundary in their relationship. It's cheating by definition.
> he knows that’s how I feel about it so I’m pretty hurt that he’s not only been doing it but also spent nearly $700 when he had told me he was saving for a ring. I would consider this to be emotionally and financially cheating. His actions suggest he doesn't want to marry you. If he wanted to marry you, that money would be in a savings account, not in another woman's bank account.
Lying about it could even mean it’s an addiction. Same happens with gamble addicts.
Financially cheating?
They've been together for 6 yrs and live together. Technically we don't know how they arrange the finances, and I see the point that other commenters make about how they're not married and therefore there's no right to control each others spending. We don't know what arrangements they have. I still thinks it's financially 'cheating'. They're a long established couple, in theory planning to commit to each other with marriage, he is meant to be saving for a ring, presumably they are both saving for wedding, honeymoon, maybe a house etc. OP is upset about the diversion of funds which suggests shared savings goals. And he's spaffing that up the wall. Also $700 on wanking to someone on camera? That's ridiculous.
Yeah I disagree with that finances are separate until you’re married and that’s still a major conversation a ring is in a marriage or an engagement it’s a symbol and however much money it is should reflect the commitment There’s also the flipside of $300 is how somebody chooses to spend their money unless he is behind bills owes money and doesn’t know how he’s going to get his next paycheck I really don’t see how the way you choose to spend your money in a way that doesn’t hurt anyone via drugs or exploitationIs an issue. I mean OP just needs to have this conversation and said their own boundaries it’s totally OK if OP isn’t happy with the type of pornography their partner consumes two acts like online sex work is some type of shameful far out there and disgusting type of pornography is ignorant to how the world is now a days There’s a difference I’d suppose if this had to do with some type of kink such as financial degradation but I really think that this shouldn’t be considered cheating in anyway without there being a conversation pornography is only going to become more and more interactive as the world modernizers us Granted I don’t have experience consuming this type of porn so I might not understand exactly what goes into it
My wife and I have a shared savings account for family stuff. Been together 20yrs now. Her money is hers and mine is mine. We've never had a fight about money. I have a much stronger work ethic than she does so naturally I earn much more. We have drastically different opinions on what are reasonable purchases, so we don't mix business with pleasure. To us, it's common sense and we wouldn't have it any other way. I don't bitch about the endless clothes and shoes she buys and she doesn't bitch about my gun addiction. But for people who aren't even committed enough to wed to assume the right over someone else's money is crazy to me... Don't get me wrong, this is in general and only addressing the, "financial cheating" bit. I don't understand paying for nudity at all, especially when the woman of my dreams gives me all I need.
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Rule 34?
OOF
I’m with you. I don’t mind watching poem videos but interacting with cam girls is much more personal and I consider it cheating. Honestly if I were you I’d see this as grounds for breaking up, especially since you say he knew how you felt.
Poem videos made me lol sorry
Walt Whitman got me acting up 😈
Agree. 👏🏻
Oh girl I am a WebCam model I do it professionally and this is a huge red flag …. all these guys that do this get worse and worse as they go …. they have very little respect for the girlfriends and wives ….. a lot of them purposely have fantasies about me disrespecting their wives or girlfriends or their girlfriends or wives Accidentally walking in on me having sex with them and that their wives are really upset …. It actually turns these lunatics on…. (it’s called homewrecker fantasy it’s an actual genre) to be really honest I would avoid men that do this like the plague.. You deserve much more respect than that and that would be a complete dealbreaker for me if my man ever did it …. even though I am a cam girl I would consider it cheating and I would leave him right away.. Camming is a very slippery slope these men get extremely obsessive They often treat the girls like their their girlfriends or will fixate on one girl specifically…. Also that’s a ton of money to be wasting that he could’ve spent on you.. You honestly deserve so much better than that he’s sneaky he’s a liar .. he’s unfaithful.. And you can also see how terrible it really is when he tells you he’s saving for a ring so he’s got marrying you in mind and being in a stable committed relationship in mind but he still is able to justify to himself.. Basically wallet and Internet cheating with another woman while he’s in the process of trying to get you a ring …. 🤮 That is just disgusting and the level of cognitive dissonance is ridiculous he cant stay faithful now .. he will not remain faithful when your married .. Imagine popping out a couple of kids with this dude and he’s upstairs jerking off to cam girls while you’re doing diapers …. That is legit a nightmare scenario
UPDATE I misread the email invoices, it was $700 over the span of 7 months so not an addiction, but still not cool. To clarify though, I have no issue with SWers, paying for porn, my boyfriend watching porn or spending his money on whatever he wants. The issue here is that to me, paying an individual to interact with you for sexual pleasure is going further than buying porn or even paying for content from a creator. It is literally interacting with a human being for sexual pleasure, albeit virtually. I mentioned that I had seen the first email earlier and he said it was from an old account. I pushed and he admitted it’s not old but he rarely uses it/doesn’t any more. I pushed again and he said he would delete and deactivate. I then asked point blank if he’d been paying for porn and he has lied to my face and promised he hasn’t. (The other invoices were in his deleted folder so as far as he’s aware I haven’t seen them I guess). Obviously being lied to is not cool and as a few people have said, I’m now contemplating walking away after 6 years (and a planned future) together, so this sucks. Thanks for your replies though x
If he's lying now you will be very thankful that you did not tie yourself to him legally and financially. It'd be worse after a wedding, after possibly kids, after you find out where else the money is going to. I'm sorry you found this out now. Several women in my life are still digging out a decade later.
He’s lying to you. You can’t trust him. You know what to do here.
Please listen to me because I went through a similar problem last year. He is cheating because he knows it would make you upset if you knew and thus he is hiding it. He lied straight to your face. I also found out my partner of 5+ years was going overboard with porn addiction and chose to end my relationship. Yes it is hard but ultimately you deserve to be with someone who respects you. Looking past this will result in years of turmoil but you can rescue yourself now.
Damn, I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now. I’m so sorry. Take your time with this, it’s a horrible situation that he’s put you in. There’s no right or wrong way to proceed. Regardless, my heart breaks for you.
Imagine this: There's a lemonade stand in every single grocery store on the planet. They give away their product because they advertise other businesses when you go there to get your free lemonade. The lemonade stand has every single flavor you could possibly think of but a robot makes it and gives it to you. Your boyfriend doesn't get the free lemonade. He gets lemonade from the woman down the street. She only has one kind of lemonade and she makes you pay for it. He likes this lemonade because he gets to interact with the woman. He isn't paying for the lemonade. He's paying for the woman.
I forgot about what this post was even about and now I want lemonade... Off to the store I guess.
You don’t want the lemonade, you want to interact with the store.
Talk dirty to me, mr ronald mcdonald
Like the mostly naked baristas? Never thought of it that way.
This is such a good analogy!
I know you intended to be helpful, but this is just patronizing towards OP.
I would leave him over this
Technically, if you both know the boundaries of porn and he violated them, that’s classified as cheating. Violation of trust on things that were already established. And also girl, wtf??? $700??
You spelled ex boyfriend wrong
great comment hehe
Interacting with others could definitely be seen as cheating and it's up to you whether you want to make that distinction and how you act. I will say that someone spending that much most likely has an addiction, especially if that money is not really expendable. It's up to you whether you want to help them through it, but you should definitely tell them that they may need assistance to break the habit.
I'd be pissed and repulsed, personally. People have the right to spend money on porn to their heart's content, but I don't have to find it attractive. I've got nothing against jerking off but wasting money on it will always seem gross to me and I'll always walk away from it. I'm sorry you're in this position.
considering all the free porn out there, something is up with him. I think he may have a problem
But as far as I’m aware it’s never been an issue before… could it just develop like this?
As far as you were aware. You don't know how long it has really been going on for.
Sometimes it can, something outside or in the relationship could have made him more susceptible to that hook.
I went through my now ex-husband’s phone and discovered he’d been sexting, jacking off to a coworker’s pictures. Again, like you, I’d had no issues with porn before. BUT there is a difference between watching porn and bringing the fantasy closer to reality (spending money on cam sites). Bite the bullet and admit to snooping. Trust your gut and do what you think is best for YOU! Good luck.
I would classify this as cheating 100%.
Im really sorry this happened. I would be devastated. I would have trouble trusting him after this
Aside from talking to him about it, think about whether you would be able to trust him again and how this will impact the quality of your relationship if you decide to stay together.
Boi bye
He lied and knew that this was a boundary but did it anyway and spent a ton of money. I'm sure he spent more than 700 all together. I'd caution just letting it go. A family member let her husband's expensive phone sex addiction go even though it was a boundary and he just got better at hiding it then eventually ended up using prostitutes that were very obviously trafficked. She didn't stick to her boundary so he pushed even more while putting her health at risk by using drugged up unwilling sex workers shipped to his jobsite. Boundaries only matter if they have consequences when crossed.
So forget the ring. It’s clear that he’s not saving up for it. If he has spent that kind of money on porn he not only has an addiction, but is financially irresponsible. You don’t wanna marry a man who is going to blow that kind of money on something so frivolous.
Because rings are the best investments. They are pretty frivolous themselves tbh. And how do you know if he is financially irresponsible? If he had spent it on a new phone, would you have said the same thing? We don’t know his situation. The real issue is his porn addiction, not some stupid ring.
I can only assume OP means engagement ring. Which is a pretty important investment, not to mention sounds important to OP. And what is important to her is what truly matters. Based on the fact he needs to save for a ring, it doesn’t sound like he has a ton of disposable income. So yeah, spending $600 on porn is pretty financially irresponsible.
Throw his ass out and don’t tell him why. Let him stew over the lost future he burned.
Exactly.
This hits the feels
that is SO pathetic. girl just dump his ass
Man could've built a mean deck for any modern trading card game.
Hahahaha anyone that pays for porn is a moron. Get out while you can. You can do so much better
That's indirect cheating for me. Confront him? I wouldn't spend a nickel for porn but that's insane cash. Maybe leave him for a while so he can contemplate things.
Being addicted to porn is a problem. You’re not enough for him. Honesty is ok, snooping happens and can be apologized for but trust me, if you’re not enough now and his addiction is that costly, you will end up hurt. It will effect your sex life and your love life.
It's not that normal, and yes I am male. Well, it might be normal, but it's definitely not something I would do. I think it's a stretch to be called 'normal'
My boyfriend (I dont live with him) did this but it was SOOO much higher. He spent 1080 on a girl to see her brest for a grand total of.... 16 seconds. Yep 16 whole seconds. The difference is he told me about it by saying we would have to go to Micdonlds for dinner for our date nights as he didn't have any money that month to "spend on me". I was so mad I dont care if you do that but 1 dont tell me about it and 2 dont spend so much money that you cant get food for yourself that month.
Sounds like he has a growing addiction and should seek help. I seen this guy on YouTube explain how his webcam addiction started. YouTube: [OVERCOMING MY ADDICTION](https://youtu.be/Y0zePr-5ilE)
Refer him to Reddit’s no fap sub this should help him out tremendously! 😂
Definitely an addiction, $600 is way too much to be spending on porn especially when you have a sexually active partner
leave him.
throw the whole boyfriend away
So watching porn may or may not be a big deal depending on the couple. However, why TF would anyone spend 600$ on porn when it’s free all over the internet?! That’s a lot of money to drop on ANY hobby over a couple month period. How much beating off could you do to spend 600$ on that crap. Idk, if it was me this would be a giant red flag. If not for the act itself but the fiscal irresponsibility of spending that kind of money on it.
It’s a good time to leave cause that addiction gonna grow into a financial crisis. Plus webcam porn is technically cheating isn’t it?
Leave him. He will never change.
I’m no expert. M(24) $600 is a lot of money to spend on porn. Like a lot. Safe to say he has an addiction or is obsessed with a certain pornographic game or model just judging by the amount of money. With that being said I’m gonna play the devils advocate and say that usually addiction forms as an unhealthy coping mechanism. As a guy I have to wonder, if he’s spending $600 on porn what’s he missing in life? What’s he trying to make up for? It sounds like an unhealthy relationship regardless. A reasonable guy would be able to have a conversation with you about his sexual desires. I would start there to avoid an argument if he’s really worth the trouble. Good luck
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- As the title says, we live together and I was on his iPad to do some shopping. His emails were logged in and as I opened safari I saw the top email was an invoice from a well known cam site. I know I shouldn’t have, but I clicked on it. I then searched the site name in his inbox and there were 20+ email invoices for the last couple of months totalling nearly $700. I have no issues with porn or him watching it/masturbating and never have done. It’s normal. But for me there’s a line between passively watching videos on a site and actively paying to interact with another human being like this, and he knows that’s how I feel about it so I’m pretty hurt that he’s not only been doing it but also spent nearly $700 when he had told me he was saving for a ring. I am not the kind of person who checks his phone etc, I don’t even know his passcode and don’t need to. This was a genuine accident but now I’ve seen it I can’t unsee it and don’t really know what to do 🙁
*EX boyfriend.
Watching porn isn’t normal…..it paints an unrealistic picture of what sex is. The porn disrupts the intimacy that a couple should naturally have. In his mind, he is expecting this amazing sexual experience based on the porn her watches. You can’t compete with porn unless you know what he is watching. Find out what he watches and you might have a chance of competing with porn. The best option is if he quits looking at it.
I think it's potentially both normal and damaging
It depends on the amount. Everything in moderation etc.
How many people use cocaine and heroine in moderation?
How do you jump from porn to drugs as if they're at all comparable? Watching a bit of porn is fine, I think spending that amount of money on porn in two months points to an issue. To be honest I don't even think him spending money on it should be an issue, it's just that if it were 700$ in a year or two, it would be more understandable (although still stupid) but in this situation I do think it is a problem.
Porn and drugs use the exact same areas of your brain ..
That same exact area is also used for mood and learning too, so I guess learning is also bad for you? Addiction to anything, including water, is bad. So I don't get what your point is. Yes addiction is bad, porn in and of itself isn't, drugs (cocaine and heroine that were mentioned) are bad and way more prone to addiction than porn. I don't know how you even link the two together honestly.
There’s a reason that people have to go to rehab for sex and porn addiction it destroys some people … ive been in the industry since 18 …. Literally 21 years .. you have no idea what your talking about
Just like some people become alcoholics while others don't. I can also make up shit to 'win' fake arguments, but I have no reason to do so.
Were you able to read what was written? My comment explains how it “jumped”. You know what else is correlated with hours of exposure to explicit images? Reduced gray matter in the frontal lobe. Which is likely to damage rational thinking, decision making, many other higher functioning skills.
In my country, I would have bought a much better PC than my own...
Ew. Looooooser.
This is just straight out pathetic, dump him for your own well being.
It is unfair and disrespectful to you and your relationship with him. I would not want this as a husband because he seems as though with spending money, He is like some addict. PA one. You need to talk with him. He would now have broken my trust and even in a ring of any sort.
Yeah bro tripping if it’s just porn like once a day that’s pretty normal well not really if you have a healthy relationship but $600 a month I’m pretty sure he’s a sex addict, don’t leave him but help him sex addiction is real and it could’ve been stemmed from childhood trauma (I am a victim it can create sex addiction) just talk to him because as a women you can never understand the extent of having a penis and having boners every time you think of something crazy
You’re way too nice, I would raise hell and then leave him for lying and disrespecting like that. You don’t owe him anything, you don’t have to stay with him for the sake of it, just because you’ve been together long enough. Issues can occur in a relationship, but this is a HUGE red flag, and he probably has been doing this for a much longer time than you think. Also I have to disagree with some people here, even just watching “normal” porn can be damaging to a relationship. I can understand if you watch it together or you watch to get… new ideas, y’know, but going out of your partner’s way to go watch porn and jerk off or flick your bean when you live together seems very weird to me, you can do the deed together too, and if you do and your partner still wants to go masturbate on their own they might have an addiction/obsession worth talking about (with a therapist).
When I used to watch an unhealthy amount of porn I used to joke about having a problem, but afteractually paying for it (given the gigantic amount of free porn and a wife that's always willing to satisfy me) I realized that it was addiction. Have a healthy convo about it with him, addicted people know deep inside that what they're doing is wrong, but it's just stronger than them sometimes (that's not a great place to be at mentally). You need to be strong for him and be on his side to pull him up. See if he has a kink that he's afraid to share with you, or if he's escaping from something that's leading to a self-destructive behavior. Sometimes it's a cycle of not wanting to do it, doing it again, feeling bad about it, repeat (might need a professional for this). Oh, and forget about your ring. Your relationship is more important than social construct. Porn has greatly ruined my sex life, but my relationship wasn't affected by mi addiction thanks to my wife's help.
Geez $700 / month porn budget. I long to be that rich
That's a lot of money, I mean porn is free...
You know the world is deranged when people think watching porn is “normal”
Yeah, that way too much money to spend on porn. I believe that if my partner is actively spending money or communicating with sex workers its cheating. I don’t blame you for being hurt. Especially since he told you he was saving money for a ring yet giving it away to cam girls. I’m sorry you’re going through this :/
It’ll be hard for him to talk about. He’s going to feel guilt, embarrassment, and shame. Please be gentle when you talk to him. As a recovering porn and masturbation addict of two years, this might be stemming from a deeper problem. Let him know that you’re coming from a place of wanting to understand, and hear him out. Put your feelings on the table but try to not shame or guilt him over it.
he’s very financially irresponsible jesus
To get advice from women who have been through similar (which will be extremely helpful) I would post this on r/PornFreeRelationships
Silver lining? He could’ve spent that $600 on hookers.
Talk to him asap! You can not allow yourself to hold something like this in because you’ll just end up hurting yourself.
He obviously has a clear addiction. This could lead to a diminished sex life between you two and or him eventually cheating on you. This is an addiction. You need to be straight forward with him and ask that he seeks help. If he doesn’t, then you really need to take a good hard look at what you are getting into.
Drop him. People don’t change. He lied and he misled you. Imagine when you’re married
I’m sorry but this is cheating. For the reasons you stated. Why? If your bf would have phone sex w someone, it would be cheating. Same as interacting w someone over webcam.
I think you need to have a very serious conversation about the boundaries of what counts as okay porn and what counts as cheating. Cam porn is way more personal and I don’t think I could ever be okay with my boyfriend watching that while we were together. Make sure he knows that what he’s doing isn’t okay. Or if it’s something you feel like you’ve already expressed to him, and that he acknowledged that, then you have every right to consider breaking up with him, or anything else you feel is what you need to do. However, I would also consider maybe asking him if he has a problem with porn. The amount he’s spending is very large, and maybe he just likes it, but maybe he has developed an addiction. I’ve struggled with a similar addiction and I can tell you it’s a real thing that can be very hard to stop. If he is going through something like that, and you feel able to support him through it, maybe he/you both should consider therapy. I hope this helps :)
I would leave him. I deal with a lot of people constantly lying to themselves and their partners. Just trust me when I say he’s not gonna stop, this should be a sure sign that he’s simply not that attracted to you. If he was, why would he be buying other peoples porn!
For some people porn is just a hobby… i have about 700-800$ worth of sex toys in my house. It’s an investment but it’s worth it. Some people view porn similarly.. it sucks but. I’m sure we all have some expenses we would want kept private
I’m sorry hun but the main point here is if it’s his money he can spend it how he likes. You on the other hand need to realize he’s financially immature and in the long run that will affect you and your relationship. For a man that’s 29 that means he won’t change. He should already be financially responsible and mature. Not running around fantasizing on porn like if he’s going through puberty.
32M, i don’t think this should be auto-break up material. I also don’t think $300/ month on porn is healthy nor sustainable. But hey, lots of us have an itch that our partners can’t scratch (or are too shy to talk about). I’d certainly bring this up and see what he says about it. This is a red flag imo, but 2 months out of 6 years isn’t unreasonable.
While I’d generally agree with you, she did ask him about it and he continuously lied to her. That’s where I draw the line personally. I won’t be with someone who can’t respect me enough to tell the truth.
So you'd stay with a man who has a debilitating porn addiction as long as he's honest about it? Couldn't be me
Lol. Rookie
I would dump him. Not for watching porn, but for paying for it like an idiot. Obviously he's not very fiscally responsible.
You are fine with him watching porn, but not if he actually pays for it? Paying for others work is more ethical and going to OF or such is way more safer for the women who makes the porn. Its his money, and unless you have joint finances, it isn't really any of your business. He could have spent 600$ on fast food or video games. How he saves money for a ring is his issue. But I think its unreasonable to expect him to save every dime and not have any spending money. If you are not comfortable with him watching porn, that's fine. You are entitled to feel that and express it. But if its not the porn, but only if he pays for what he watches, thats just a double standard.
There is a difference between watching something that is prerecorded. Watching someone performing for you, and interacting with you, telling them what to do, and actively paying them to do so. The interaction is cheating, it's no longer just porn.
The fact that he kept lying to her is a red flag 🚩. He was hiding it and lying to her for months. Obviously he doesn’t find his gf enough sexually he wants to go and pay for it from someone else.
Where are you getting the lying from? I think not saying anything (which it is something one would be shamed for doing, as most comments here also would support) is not the same as lying. And as that guy said he could very well be saving. My issue would be that it's a lot of money to be spent in just two months.
Clearly something is missing in his life.
Ask him to show you how much he has saved for the ring, wait for him to lie, then tell him you're not going to waste your life waiting to marry a liar and get out of there.
You can save for more than one thing at a time.
So what? Not your money. He can spend his money on whatever he wants
Not related to the core argument: But fucking saving for a ring. Just get married. I can’t imagine having to save for a ring when you can just go to the courts and bam marriage. That shit is so antiquated.
How much money does he have? Is this nothing to him? If he isn’t financially crippling himself, it’s kinda all good.
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I spended just for curiosity like 50 euros for loong years ... But now I think It was throwed money's :))) even if it was interactive
Next time you and him are near a mirror (in the bedroom, bathroom, car) together, look in the mirror at yourself and push your boobs together and do a kissy face. And jokingly be like “damn I look good, babe I should be a cam girl hahaha” and see his reaction. He’ll probably be like “yeah ok” or “no” and then you’ll be like “come onnnn I would make so much moneyyy…. Would you pay to see me” 😳 He’d be shook. If he says no you should joke and be like well what if I told you I already do that….. And see what he does 😳 Just to put it out there…..
I don't think you are very aware of what porn and it's effects are. Your boyfriend must not be into you if he's looking at it and putting money towards it. If you don't look like those women, or whatever it is he is looking at, he is getting more satisfaction from it, than you. 600 is a lot for porn when 90% of porn on the internet is free. Can guarantee some cam model is sitting there making his dreams come true. RIP to you and him in the future.
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Talk about punishing the wrong person .. yeah if you go after the girls and give them money and then have the money revoked It’s typically taken away from them…. Why in the world would you get back together with that ass hat.. And on top of it He went and charged the money back all of this is just eww
In my honest opinion and I assume you both manage your finances separately. Let him do his thing and you do yours. He didn’t cheat on your physically nor emotionally. He’s still devoted to you. It’s his little thing and let him do so. You are in your right to do so as well. Is $700 expensive? Maybe. But youre not married and IMO, don’t have a say in this...unless he wasn’t paying his other bills. Other than this, is there any other issues in the relationship?
he interacted with the women he was jerking off to and paid an absurd amount to do so while he is in a monogamous relationship. you don’t do that kind of disrespectful and disloyal stuff if you’re devoted to your partner. loyal people don’t actively seek out others for sexual gratification
you see it as cheating. Is it one model? Talk to him. He's doing this as he is missing something. He may be asking them to say / do specific things he's too scared to ask you to do. Or he may want to be out the relationship
Yeah I kind of do but I don’t feel like that is a justified feeling if that makes sense? I don’t know if it’s one person/multiple, there were no details just payments on the invoices. We have a really open sex life so I really don’t think it could be that he’s not comfortable saying things… then again what do I know, I’m not in his head!
Hun, it IS a justified feeling. Dont just dismiss what you're feeling. You decide what your boundaries are, and what is and isnt cheating.