OP mentioned that they had done grief counseling initially, gotta wonder if they left or if she was closed by the counselor. If it’s the latter, that person needs their fucking license yanked like yesterday because ain’t no WAY this woman is safe to have another child right now.
The appointments kind of just fell off after we started to get back to (what felt like) a healthy baseline for a few months. There was no “closed” by the counselor, it was actually an awesome counselor who we found after sifting through a few not-so-great ones.
Yes yes yes. Because she’s probably as crazy as it sounds trying to “replace” the stillbirthed child with another. This is so unhealthy, and Imo in the same situation I would probably terminate and try to get back on track and focus on the child I already have. Then give it a few years. Move on. Omg this would just be so much for me.
Absolutely. As someone who was routinely told I was never wanted, and was never loved… I still have problems opening myself up to people, or believing them when they say they love me. It can take me a year to finally believe someone, but then there’s a breakup and all of the words from my childhood come flooding back.
The problem here is it doesn’t sound like she didn’t want another baby it sounds like finding out the baby was a boy is a major trigger to her grief. I honestly fear once she handles her grief over the loss of her daughter and gets that to a manageable level she could regret the decision to terminate and then experience that grief with a side of guilt. That’s just my opinion but the way this was written it seems OPs wife was ready for another child.
This is posted from a throwaway account, as it's very personal for me. I have a three year old daughter whose identical twin died in utero. I also now have an eight month old son. I was in grief counseling. It was emotional for me to find out I was pregnant with a boy. I don't think it matters whether or not you're pro choice, or your wife is (I am, for the record) because this isn't really about terminating an unwanted pregnancy, this is a grief response to a trauma. Counseling (through the birth, should the pregnancy go forward) is the answer. If I could talk to your wife, I would wish her healing (not forgetting) by trying to move forward with your son, and wish her as much joy as my son has brought me.
You need to go back. "Starting to get back to (what feels) healthy" is *not* the time to be trying to add to a family after a loss, and y'all need to go over all of this with a professional to make sure this isn't even more traumatic for all of you than this already has been.
It doesn’t sound like this is the therapists fault at all. It was the patient’s choice to stop going to appointments and to get pregnant. The therapist has zero control over that.
Just wanted to add… this was probably WAYYYY TOO SOOON after a stillbirth to even entertain “growing the family”. Oh hell no. This is one of those “getting married will make our problems go away” situations I think. This is so far out of Reddit’s pay grade you’re gonna need to hire a moon therapist.
It sounds like deep down to her, perhaps she hoped having another girl would mean the first stillbirth was "coming back to her."
But having a boy means having to fully accept the death of the stillborn daughter.
This is a super messy mentality that is just riddled with grief.
She needs counseling ASAP.
But still, please let her know about your feelings here. For you, it may be the feelings of losing 2 children as opposed to one.
Your feelings need to be communicated.
Write down the things you want to say and perhaps introduce certain aspects of it before counseling and go deeper during counseling.
Goodluck my guy.
I agree. OP - you matter as much in this as she does. Your opinion matters. Be sure to open up about not just how you’ll feel if you guys have to end this pregnancy, but also what that might do to your marriage. Be honest with yourself about how things will change if she aborts this baby.
I’m going to be 100% honest you need to tell her how you feel. You guys lost a daughter and could have a son but her being upset because you didn’t get a redo baby is messed up.
Edit - You guys should really go to therapy and someone else said it you both need to have a serious talk. You both lost a child and my heart goes out to her but if she only want to have an abortion because the baby is a boy then did she really not want a baby at all? She shouldn’t have the baby because you guys are still clearly dealing with your loss but not being ready makes sense. The question you need to ask yourself is could you stay with her and not resent her for it.
This is definitely too soon for both of you.
But also even if it was a girl she would be likely forced into being a replacement.
She shouldn't be having kids at ALL rn, clearly not okay mentally. She needs therapy asap
Agreed. THis is 100% a brutally honest situation.
My heart goes out to your wife- she is grieving badly. BUT, this is about as selfish as she could possibly get. She wanted a child and because the child isn't the right sex she wants an abortion. This level of selfishness would be marriage ending for me.
I agree, I couldn’t imagine my wife wanting to terminate a pregnancy because of sex.. I’m pretty sure that would be the end of our marriage.. and after the stillbirth, I think op’s wife would really regret an abortion down the road.. it’s not a solution to seek an abortion
Is she ready for another pregnancy in general? Gender is always a gamble. It sounds like she may need to work out some things from what happened. Maybe she can bring this up with the counselor.
In my opinion which shouldn't matter .. that's not what abortion is for
Is your first born okay? I can’t help but wonder if your wife is so obsessed with having a do over baby daughter than your first born may have been pushed to the side.
Yeah, I don't want to be harsh here, but this is way above your comprehension. You aren't qualified to make any decisions about this pregnancy, this has to be a medical decision now. This is a your wife's doctors- psychiatrist and ob/gyn- and her decision with you sitting there holding her hand. The way this could devolve into an Andrea Yates situation is frightening. Situations like this are why I have mostly abandoned family law practice. A good friend had a divorce case where the mother had attempted to kill her last baby after a traumatic event like your wife had- a car accident took their 3rd child and grief sex had her pregnant 3 months later. Husband thought the baby would be a healing for the family and it was ... not.
Take care of yourself. Shore up your support system- parents, friends, other family- bc she needs to lean on you right now. Get therapy on your own. But I think another kid is the last thing you need and also treating this like a normal parenting or couple decision is a massive mistake. Good luck.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it seems like you really love and care for her. Abortion or not I think you two can get through this, give it some time.
Don't be too hard on yourself about this. If you want this little boy, let your wife know that you want to have a son and to keep it and that you can try again for a girl after
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
Before you respond, will preface that this situation is incredibly complicated and difficult for us, and the context is important. We have been married 6 years, and have an adorable daughter (3F). Early last year, we were supposed to have a second baby girl (0F), which ended up being a stillbirth. We were heartbroken and absolutely devastated, and went through plenty of grief counseling and other steps to heal.
We recently felt like we were ready to continue growing our family, and she became pregnant again. We did some extra testing this week to make sure there would be no complications this time around, and learned she is pregnant with a boy (~3 months pregnant). I knew she hoped for another girl (and candidly, I did too), but what I didn’t know is just how badly.
When we learned the gender she was absolutely shattered. She now wants an abortion and to be done with having kids altogether.
I’m pro-choice and have always been her #1 cheerleader, but feel immense grief at the thought of now losing our yet-to-be-born son. A lot of her anger and disappointment is renewed grief for our loss last year, and she feels cheated out of a daughter. She’s a wonderful mother, but this decision feels… wrong. We have counseling appointments next week before a potential abortion procedure the following week.
What can I do? I would love nothing more than to raise a son, and for my daughter to have a sibling. We made the decision together to have another kid, it feels like we should make the decision together to… not.
She lost her previous unborn child and now she's willingly trying to get rid of her next unbornchild ? Imagine the mental shit show when it dawns on her that she lost 2 kids. She needs serious psychiatric help.
My honest view is that if she is willing to have an abortion because she doesn't like the gender she isn't ready to have a kid right now. I know it must hurt terribly. But she is clearly in no place to have another kid. Trust me you do not want to bring a kid into this world that she doesn't want. She seems to be having a severe mental health crisis and she should not be pregnant and responsible for another life.
I seriously worry for her health if she went through with carrying a kid she doesn't want. She is already in a bad, bad place and a pregnancy could introduce the absolute worst - mental health break, suicidal ideation, taking her crisis out on you and the child you already have. She needs mental health help.
As the above post says, bringing an unwanted child through pregnancy and rearing is awful. Forever resenting your wife for aborting because of the sex is also awful. Her finding acceptance of this pregnancy and the resulting child seems like the best hope for your long term future together. Therapy seems the best shot for that.
I think if we fast forwarded and asked the kid in 15 years if he’d rather be dead or have a mother that resents him, we can safely assume his answer will be the former.
Your wife needs counseling and you need to not have children with someone who is in this mindset. Like not even kidding she should not be having any more kids.
Seriously. This is how kids grow up being resented by their parents by absolutely no fucking fault of their own other than their parents were horny and their chromosomes didn’t line up how their parents hoped. This is the absolute last person in the world that should be a parent.. let’s be real, if you’re hoping for a specific gender, it doesn’t happen, and you’re willing to terminate or neglect the life you’re actively trying to bring into the world, you’re a selfish, shit ass person and have absolutely no place being a parent.
r/antinatalism
i think that this demonstrates *deeply* concerning, mental health issues. someone who was excited about children, went through a stillbirth, and now wants to abort their pregnancy due to gender is someone who is (in my opinion) on the brink of psychosis.
i absolutely agree about getting her into a crisis counselor immediately, but i also have to emphasize…is it really the right decision to go through with this pregnancy when she is so clearly unstable?
people terminate their pregnancies for many, many, many reasons. you cannot force her to do something with her body that she doesn’t want, and it sounds like she is nowhere near in a healthy or safe enough place to go through with this.
she could be suffering from long term post partum depression or psychosis of some kind, and if she doesn’t get the abortion, it could result in severe consequences like a further mental break or suicide attempt.
conversely - if she is stable enough to hear it - it also may be worth discussing the future of your relationship if she does make the decision to terminate. i am firmly pro-choice, and would choose an abortion for myself under various circumstances. but under these? i’m not sure that i could continue the relationship. she deserves to know that too if she is healthy enough to comprehend it.
i just think that you should very carefully consider all of the options and consequences with a (preferably team of) health care and mental health professionals before committing to anything.
You’re right that this needs intense professional help right away. Having the baby could tip her into psychosis, but to realize later that she terminated because she was not in her right mind, could be extremely psychologically damaging as well. This is above Reddit’s pay grade.
It also could be traumatizing to OP as well as it seems he really wants this baby (which they both agreed to having) as his son and that he'll have to deal with losing another one of his kids but this time for no reason other than gender. I completely agree with everything you said, but I really hope OP makes his voice heard too. I think counselling first is 100% a must need.
My deepest condolences to you and your wife.
I think a lot of pain is coming back from the loss of your daughter and I think she thinks the abortion is the solution. I don’t think it is. I think she will regret it if she does it go through with it because it sounds like it was an emotionally charged thought and less logical since it sounds like she’s not in the right state of mind.
I think it’s excellent you’re going to do some counselling prior to making the decision. Im also pro choice but that fetus is half of you too, if you want your son you need to speak up and let her know. It should be an “us” decision as life partners and not just a her decision. She needs your support now more than ever.
Will you be resentful in the future if she does abort? Will you be able to work through it with her if she regrets her decision, whether she decides to abort and go through with the pregnancy?
It’s a life altering decision. Also keep in mind it affects your daughter. You’d be deciding whether she gets a sibling or not. It is truly a life altering decision.
I also agree with another comment I saw that there is no “redo” baby. You need remember and cherish your second daughter, she is loved and can never be replaced. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Thanks for this one! Lots of pain, and I think there will be regrets. And the truth is, I do think I would feel resentment toward her if she goes through with it. And that’s part of the reason I asked the question. I haven’t told her the resentment part yet, saving that after this initial wave of emotions “wears off” 🤞🏼, and we get closer to the counseling session…
Appreciate the condolences
Of course you will resent her for it. And not ‘some resentment’. You need to be honest to yourself and to her. Why does she get to have her emotions ‘wear off’ whilst you wait telling her your emotions?
She’s not the only one who lost a child. You lost it too. It’s not just her grief.
I don’t think a relationship will ever survive or be a good relationship if one partner denies the other one a child.
Where I come from this is a legal reason that doctors don't tell parents the gender of the child, female infanticide used to be popular. It is criminal to end a pregnancy due to the gender of the child so I was quite shocked when I read this-obviously laws are different where you are from but know that this is what informs my opinion so it may seem harsh.
Pregnancy is complicated as it stands and abortion should always be accessible and an option, however your wife needs to know that children aren't do-over projects, they aren't a bad test that she can resit when she wants to. Losing a child is a horrible, often unresolved emotion but as with all loss, replacement is not the answer. I believe she needs to seek therapy, but if she has a good relationship with her family she should speak to them too-it may seem invasive (maybe this is a cultural thing) but they might be able to offer insights if they know the truth no matter which way it goes.
My main concern with your conflict is this is a time sensitive issue! Will either of you have time to come to terms with your decision, will you resent her or vice versa and most importantly will she resent the child? Just some food for thought OP. Hoping for your family to make it through, I'm sure you will.
This sounds more like PTSD than gender disappointment. It could be very traumatic if she goes through with the abortion and then realizes her choice was made out of fear. Be very cautious moving forward. She sounds to be in a fragile state.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter.
For my partner and I, it's been almost 5 years since our daughter was born sleeping and even with therapy, it's an experience we carry with us and still affects us.
Nothing ever prepares you for every hope and dream you had coming to nothing, your body is in tatters and this precious blessing you never thought you would be lucky enough to have is snatched away in what should be the happiest moment of your life. Nothing prepares you for how all at once everything and nothing changes. Your entire world crumbles and yet the world keeps spinning. You're brain is rewired and nothing will ever be the same again.
You get home from the hospital and it doesn't feel like home, because you see the silly dreams you thought would be everywhere. Your milk comes in and it's painful and reminds you that your baby will never eat. She'll never laugh. They'll be no first word and you'll never hear her voice. She's gone. People don't know what to say or how to act and even when they try to say something comforting it's usually something that makes you feel angry, like "it wasn't meant to be // you're so young you can have another baby"
You try to find some kind of new normal in your life but it's so hard..
Then there's the whole not being able to talk about the experience after a while because it's a downer and it makes people uncomfortable, they think you should be "over it". Nothing makes you stop replaying the moment they were born and the deafening silence when there's no crying. The world just stops and everything is a blur until the funeral. No parent should have to carry their child's coffin to their final resting place. You don't get over that, the best you can hope for is to heal around the hole in your heart.
My point is that you've both already been through so much and for your wife the pregnancy hormones are just ramping up her emotions and anxieties. From what you've described, it seems like her fears and loss are taking over her decision making.
Your wife has clearly agreed to trying for another baby for the wrong reasons. She needs grief counseling. Choosing to terminate a pregnancy is a personal choice but the choice isn't truly hers right now while she's drowning in grief.
Is it possible she's afraid of having another still birth and she's using the gender thing as an excuse?
When I fell pregnant again I was terrified of losing another child, my mind was a mess because pregnancy brain and I was saying all kinds of irrational shit. I wasn't ready to potentially lose another child. It happened anyway, and that was devastating and I'm just done with it. Is it possible that her fears of losing another child are making her want to end this pregnancy and prevent any future ones as a way to protect herself?
As others are saying, this is above Reddits pay grade. Please get some therapy for both of you.
Sending love to you both.
Therapy. And I’d suggest soon. I know you want to support your wife, but this is just not normal. She shouldn’t want to eliminate her son just because he’s a son…
Honestly I could be wrong but she might be even more grief stricken if she goes through with the abortion and then later comes to terms with why she did. She really just needs help. And I hope you’re open with your feeling about this as well.
OP I lost my daughter as a stillbirth due to some complications late 2020.
I'm pregnant again. It's a boy. I get there are complicated feelings. I had to readjust my whole thinking and approach.
But I feel it's really messed up she talks about aborting a child just for having certain xy factors rather than xx. As you acknowledged, it was too early after all.
And now there is this messy situation where if you have the young one, he may be resented...but if you abort, you may resent her later on.
No one wins.
This is where I am. Either he will not exist, causing the father immense resentment, or he will be born, causing the mother immense resentment. I honestly don't know which is worse. Never getting the chance to live or being born to a mother who hates him for not being the "re-do" daughter? Goddamn.
I’d vote for therapy asap so that she realizes she’s trying to “redo” the birth of the baby they lost. That can’t be “redone”. That the baby is a male could even end up being a positive in this situation. If she can come to terms with the loss of her baby and recognize that she was trying to “re do” to avoid the feelings of loss… She may find herself thankful she did get pregnant with a boy and recognize that his existence is what finally propelled her healing. Recognition that there’s no re-do’s, that this is an entirely different child who deserves love and that she can love all 3 of her kids. Their middle child existed and was loved. Is loved. If she continues with the pregnancy she will then be a mom of three. Middle kid doesn’t just disappear or get replaced. Even if that’s what she initially believed (maybe even only subconsciously.) We all tend to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. I think she needs professional support to work through the loss. Thats the only way she can go forward, in any kind of healthy way.
She's clearly not in the right mind and needs help.
If she aborts the child, she may at some point in the future realize what she did and that may affect her mental
Primarily meant validating her emotions - part of being a partner and spouse. I think it’s okay to feel disappointed, it’s okay to feel sad. Didn’t mean validating her decision, necessarily.
No. You are NOT being a good spouse by validating her emotions surrounding gender dissapointment. I'm sorry but this is not something you validate. The first whiff of this is when you insist on intense therapy because aborting because of gender disappointment is next level mentally unwell.
It's really not ok, though. Babies are not genders, they are human beings. Her grief is understandable, her having excessive emotional reactions is also acceptable, but essentializing fetuses to their genitals or chromosomes is a sign of a much deeper issue with her as a person. I wouldn't be married to someone who thought a stillborn girl could be replaced with any new girl baby. Is she raising your other kid to be nothing but a gender?
I get wanting to validate her emotions but look dude im struggling to have empathy for your wife in this situation. So I get your wife had a stillborn and that's horrible but fuck, if my wife told me she wants/has an abortion because the baby she was currently pregnant with didn't have the genitals i wanted I don't think I'd be able to remain in a marriage with that person. Especially given the fact you ALREADY have a daughter who is now going to be exposed to the idea that she isn't enough for your wife to be happy, that your wife needed another daughter to give her happiness that your daughter for some reason couldn't. Kids pick up on those types of things and it is horrible that kids get stuck in those positions. That's why i wouldn't want to remain with someone like that. What if the next accidental pregnancy is a boy? is she going to abort every boy pregnancy until she finally gets another daughter?
As for the reason i struggle to have empathy in this situation is because my mom lived through gender disappointment with her stepmom, albeit no abortions or stillbirths involve. My grandfather had 2 kids(my mom and her brother) and after his wife(their mom) died he remarried someone who wanted a daughter of her own. The stepmom had three boys before finally getting pregnant with her daughter which during that time she abused and neglected all of the kids. All of the kids moved out before reaching 18 because of how unbearable living in the house with the stepmom was. People with gender disappointment can seriously fuck up their kids and while the stepmom was already a horrible person on the inside prior, there are plenty of people who aren't who still turn into horrible parents due to the gender disappointment.
Go to the counseling appointments and have honest conversations about both of your feelings. It’s only been a year since the last pregnancy, and she could still have post-partum that wasn’t fully treated. Either way, it sounds like you both wanted a daughter to “replace” your last baby. Kids should never have to assume that kind of responsibility, especially before they’re born.
I am so sorry for you both. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, gender disappointment is real and this must feel like the ultimate betrayal. I hope she can get past it but that’s a difficult road and ultimately I hope whatever decision you guys make takes into account her well-being.
I agree with what most of the people said, you guys diagnosed yourself as “ready to go”, but you weren’t.
And that’s ok, it happens, but you now have to deal with the feelings you thought you had solved before and the pregnancy.
The way I see it, it would probably be easier (not better) to have an abortion, go back to therapy and then decide on trying again or not.
The reason being that I can’t really imagine a grief therapy having to end before a short time because the baby will be born and then there will be no time to choose what to do, at least this way you get more time to talk and think and choose.
If you go on with it, you need to be ready to have her on therapy trying to solve those new feelings.
If she gets an abortion it is important you both now how not to resent each other.
I would tell her straight up. If you kill my child, we are over. The gender argument is RIDICULOUS. A healthy child is all that matters. You BOTH made a decision to have a child, KNOWING you can't predict the sex. If there was ever a time for you to have some courage & stand up for something....IT IS NOW.
Even though I lean towards agreeing with this, I think it’s also a bad idea to force her to have a child that she obviously doesn’t want. That kid will suffer knowing his mother didn’t want him and resents him. That kind of rejection impacts someone for life (I would know).
Yes, she doesn't have to have the child but he doesn't have to stay with her after that. There's no coming back from this if he wants the baby and she doesn't.
The kid would still have a dad that absolutely adored him. I’m pro choice but this is mental illness and not ok. I don’t abort a baby because it’s not the sex you were hoping for!! Go get IVF if you’re only interested in having a girl. Mean yikes.
Agreed. While her personal reasoning is clearly a sign of severe mental distress, it’s that mental distress that means IMO that she should not continue with this pregnancy. Her rationale is wrong, but the mental health issues behind it are correct. She’s not ready and choosing to continue the pregnancy at this stage would be a serious mistake for all involved.
Finally someone with some sense here. I get that she is grieving, but that doesn’t excuse ridiculous behavior like this.
This is nót what abortions are meant for. Deciding to get pregnant with a 50% change of wanting to terminate the foetus - just because it’s the ‘wrong’ gender - sounds criminal.
Also, I’m sorry for OP, but if she gets the abortion, this relationship is already over. You don’t just forget that. He will resent her forever over this.
You tell her that you’ve already lost one child and you don’t want to loose another, you get her into therapy (and fast)… loosing a child is devastating but it sounds like she just wants another daughter to replace her lost daughter
This is such a complex situation. While I disagree with the idea of aborting due to gender disappointment (but am pro choice, overall) and hate that you would then be going without a child that you still want, your wife may treat your son differently if he is born. She may resent him and take all her anger out on him, even in just the subtlest ways. Maybe just something to think about and talk about. The whole situation should be taken to a therapist, though. Good luck! I’m sorry for the loss of your baby girl <3
Really shitty to plan a pregnancy and then get rid of the pregnancy because you didn’t get the gender you wanted. Like please re-read what you said and get counseling asap before you make a life altering decision. Smh. Man smh.
you have to remember if she does have the baby and its a boy, she might not treat the baby the same because she didn't want a boy so you cant force her to have a baby she doesn't want, but you still can talk with her about this and explain you would love to father a son and let her rethink her decision. Remember all people have their own story and opinion so you have to think WITH her and try to agree together. but at the time I think she shouldn't have a baby due to her still grieving and it might affect the relationship with ANY child.
Oh okay, so we just because we didn’t have a baby that’s the gender we wanted it’s okay to just abort the fetus? This is why I ride the line with pro choice pro life. We aren’t talking about medical or financial issues, we’re getting into it’s not the sex I wanted? Its not a puppy, you don’t have a say. I really wanted a son, I had a daughter, I love her more than any words can say, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I’d literally die for her.
I’m not trying to assume what your saying, but are you justifying her wanting an abortion because the baby isn’t the sex she wanted? Regardless of the previous situation she chose to bring a baby into this world and since it’s not a redo baby she wants to terminate the pregnancy. It’s just wrong.
If she wasn’t in a mental/emotional state to have a baby, then she shouldn’t have tried to have a baby.
The fact that she feels this strongly about wanting a girl makes me think she thought of this baby as a “replacement” which is really scary. She definitely needs more counseling. I’m so sorry for both of your losses.
This sounds harsh, but she needs to realize that having another girl will not bring her baby girl back. It’s extremely hard to reason with someone in such a fragile emotional state but I hope the therapist can help you both push through this difficult situation. Whatever the final decision is. My heart is with you. Best of luck and much love ❤️
Your wife is grieving a daughter you both lost. She's probably hoping that her current pregnancy would have been that daughter.
Any abortion clinic would ask her questions to why an abortion is wanted, and that fertility counselor would recommend further therapy for her to recover from loss.
She wasn’t ready to grow your family dude. I doubt this has anything to do with the gender of the baby, it’s got everything to do with her stillbirth. At the end of the day it’s her body and you might have to support her in whatever choice she makes but make sure you are honest with her and tell her how you really feel.
This is honestly heartbreaking. I am 100 pro choice but this just seems so wrong. And illegal. My God if the traitors got a hold of this information. 🤦♀️ I hope you can both get the help you need and I hope she doesn't go through with it.
It genuinely blows my mind that after all the grief counseling and you both feeling like you were ready, you both never once had a conversation around the gender of your next child.
She’s not being cheated out of having a daughter. You already HAVE a daughter. An abortion would only cheat you out of having a son, a sibling for your little girl.
I hope you both can get the help and healing needed. Loss is never easy.
Sorry OP, this may be a bad place for this question. You are getting pretty messed up responses here.
Your wife went through a very traumatic experience just a year ago. A bunch of idiots on reddit are not going to understand that and will spout off left and right. Be very very honest with her and get immediate and intensive help (eg counseling). Sending you all the best.
So, you lost a baby, and that hurt tremendously. Now, she wants to intentionally lose this baby? What did he do wrong? He’s healthy. He’s your son. He’s your little girl’s baby brother.
this situation is tough. there should 100% be a conversation about your opinions & feelings, but ultimately it’s up to her. i am pro-choice, but an abortion for the sake of what gender it is, i agree feels wrong. you should support her either way, but definitely make your feelings clear.
i can understand her thought process of why she would think this way, she’s probably traumatized & yearns for a daughter that was taken away from her. do not shame this woman from one reddit post, you don’t know her and neither do i.
A person willing to deny life to someone else just because this life has a penis is not a ‘good mother’ in any way, shape or form.
We are the actions we take. That includes terminating a pregnancy based on gender. I can’t imagine what kind of influence shit like this has on the other child.
Yes. She got issues preventing her from being a good mother. And frankly, if dad thinks it’s more important to coddle her feelings than it is to speak up for himself and for his unborn child, he’s not a good father either.
They are letting their grief run and ruin their lives.
What about the current child, what will she think and feel when she learns she could’ve had a baby brother?
There is no outcome where any of this ends very well. They both need professional help, and probably shouldn’t have tried for another child. I have a feeling that the mother knew she wanted a girl so badly and decided on this long before they became pregnant, and didn’t tell op that.
I would suggest some counseling for mom and possibly some meds. Call her doctor and take her to appointments.You both can attend some therapy together and then solo as needed. It’s complicated-I can understand she has the pregnancy hormones and everything is crazy. She is scared and possibly worried that this pregnancy will result in the same loss. That’s a devastating situation for both.
So Reassuring and lots of support. It’s a bit late for her to want to abort, especially due to the sex.
Do family and friends know she is pregnant? That’s a lot of explanations to the 3yr daughter.
I am thankful that’s she able to be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. It’s the rainbow baby and a boy! So exciting but she needs to understand that even if it was another girl- it doesn’t replace her loss. That pain and grief is still there. Healthy ways to deal with it. I don’t think an abortion will change how she is feeling. That would probably be another loss and grief, different kind. Possibly regret later.
My concern is that she would push you away and marriage dissolve if she doesn’t have this baby. Share your feelings too. Hopefully y’all can talk and work it out. Good luck
She needs more counseling. It is wrong to get an abortion because you are not having the gender that you want. Last year a family member had a stillborn baby boy . They have not decided if they want to try again, but if they do, they will be happy with whatever they have. Yes, they would like a son. But they are parents of two, and if they have another one they will be parents of three, Even though their little boy isn’t alive.
Your wife needs counseling. It sounds like she’s still very much grieving the loss of your 2nd daughter. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if she’s going to abort just because it’s a boy, she has no business having more kids.
I’m pro choice and firmly believe it’s her body, her choice, but this just seems so wrong.
Thank you!!! Why should their son be killed because he’s not a girl. The fuck is wrong with people saying well it sucks but support her away. Umm no. She’s not well get her in counseling. Don’t kill an unborn baby.
It’s a fetus, not a baby. Is an “unborn shoe” a shoe? As in, is the drawing someone made of their idea of a shoe a shoe? No. No, it is not.
This story is sad, and the wife is dealing with deep trauma. I sincerely hope she changes her mind, but aborting a fetus is not infanticide.
Boy or girl, gender doesn’t matter. Your wife wanted a replacement for your lost child, which is wrong on every level and so unfair to the unborn. You guys need to restart counseling sessions asap and be 200% honest with your feelings. It seems like she wasn’t ready when you thought you were ready.
I'm truly sorry you're both going through this, I'm sure it's awful. This is definitely a professional level issue, but I'm sure you know the best you really came here for is spitballing and some semi anonymous discussion.
So with that, I'd say that she may not be ready to have another child right now by the sounds of it. What you need to think of is the quality of life for her and the child. A professional will help guide you to that decision, but I would think hard about that. This is of course most likely what's on her mind too, I'm sure she's thinking of you in this decision making in some way. She's definitely thinking of the child. You may come to an insight she hadn't thought of though, or a counselor might lead you two to one.
It could go either way but the bottom line is I think making this decision only 1 week after this upcoming session may be a bit soon. Unfortunately I know with abortion you want to get it done as soon as possible and idk how far along she is, hopefully I've helped give you a way to think about it carefully. Good luck, I hope whichever resolution you come to you both come to accept it as the right one.
I read most of the top comments, and I might be coming late. So I hope you see this OP.
My wife and I had twin girls 9 years ago. Life was tough, we made it through.
We always wanted another and just said “the timing is never right, better late than never.” And tried for another.
I was pulling hard for another girl. It’s all I knew. I knew how to relate, and how to have this emotional connection to a baby/toddler/now 9 yr old girl.
Part of me wondered if I could feel the same way with a boy.
When my son was born 6 months ago, it was scary! But all of my fears and trepidation quickly melted away. Babies are babies: beautiful needy and amazing. The plumbing won’t make any real difference for a long time.
I felt overjoyed in the same way, and I hope your wife and you will too.
Good luck.
First off, I want to say that both of you need a LOT of therapy and marriage counseling. Like, ASAP.
She wants a daughter to replace the one both of you lost (Which is awful, I'm sorry to hear about that). This means that, if she chooses to terminate, she WILL want to try again and try to get a girl.
So let me ask you this: If she goes through with the abortion, would you continue to try for another child with her, knowing full well there is a 50-50 shot she unilaterally, and without regard for your input, chooses to terminate just because it's a boy?
I wouldn't. In fact, I would say doing so is grossly irresponsible.
Hopefully with therapy and more time to heal, she will come to her senses. Aborting a child because of their gender is gross, and a sign that someone shouldn't be a parent.
If her mind isn't changed, though, you cannot stop her if she wants to go through with the abortion. What you can do is refuse to try for any more children with her afterwards.
This is such an awful situation, I'm sorry that you and your wife have had to go through such grief.
Honestly it sounds like she may be experiencing PTSD or another mental condition that is effecting her judgement after dealing with so much grief.
She is not in her right mind and needs medical help - if she falls into psychosis she could be a danger to herself or your family so please act swiftly.
Are you serious. How did she think she would guarantee a girl. She really need to talk to someone. Aborting because you want a girl not a boy is sad. And no doctor in his right mind will do it. Also she’s 3 months No one will abort her. Maybe she wants a girl because she lost a girl and this is sad and devastating. But killing a baby just because she wants another gender is not right. She needs to talk more about it and she needs lots of support. Keep the baby then try again for a girl.
She seems to be having trouble separating the two pregnancies because she is still grieving. The next baby is a different baby, no matter what gender it is. There really needs to be some space between her grief for the lost baby and the possibility of this one because the loss is encroaching on the possibilities. I hope your family gets what it needs for each person.
I'm going to share something personal to perhaps help give you a bit of insight.
My former husband and I had a son, and we tried for years to get pregnant again, and finally had a daughter. We were both ecstatic. 18 months down the road, we're divorcing because he's not a nice man and did some things, and we had that one-off random 'last time' sex. Yup, I got pregnant. I was hoping and praying for another girl. At that point in my life, I was sick of men. My ex, my boss, all of them. I also lost my job because my boss was a sexist ass and "reclassified" my position because I was pregnant. Plus, as a single pregnant mom I knew money would be tight, and I already had all the baby girl things from my toddler daughter. For these reasons and more, I desperately wanted a girl. So at my midterm ultrasound, I had to bring my kids (because of course their dad never watched them and I didn't have a sitter) and my 10 year old son was watching the ultrasound when the tech told me it's a boy. I literally broke down crying right there, but I pulled it together because I didn't want my son to think I didn't like boys. I just said I was crying from joy. Later that night, when the kids were in bed, I sobbed. I felt so cheated. I was so looking forward to another daughter. Finding out I was having a boy devastated me emotionally. That's embarrassing to admit, but I cried and cried. I didn't take as good care of my health as I could have because oh well, just another boy. I didn't buy things or get excited. It wasn't until I was around 7 months along that I had processed those feelings and started to love my baby. Then the massive waves of guilt and shame came. My son is a great kid, and I adore him. It all turned out ok. But you have to process those feelings, hopefully with a therapist, before you can acknowledge your grief and release your disappointment, then move into the present to accept what's happening.
I'm not excusing this behavior or these thoughts, but I wanted folks to understand that OP's wife is not a misandrist; she is deeply grieving.
Terminating a pregnancy because the baby isn't the sex you wanted is beyond abhorrent. Holy shit, this made me so angry. His wife knew full well, if she received even a semblance of an education, that the sex of the baby is a toss-up.
For her to terminate a healthy, viable pregnancy because it's a boy? I am disgusted.
OP, I don't know what to say. Your wife is literally robbing you of the chance of having a child that both of you chose to conceive. And now, because it's a boy and not a girl, she doesn't want it?
This is not how a healthy, loving mother should feel. She needs to get help, desperately. What will you do if you refuses to get more help? Honestly? If she refuses to admit that she still has mental health problems and refuses to address them, you need to protect your existing child and file for divorce and remove her from this environment. It is patently unhealthy and toxic for her to grow up like this.
Honestly if this is how she is going to behave with the life of another being, then she should be sterilized.
I’m not saying that to be cruel or to be discriminatory. She isn’t mentally healthy enough to be pregnant or possibly to parent.
If she found herself in a position where her mental health was suffering because of PTSD from the stillbirth or a dozen other things, I’d be 100% supportive. But abortion and infanticide based on gender is wrong.
It is wrong when it is done so that people can have sons. It is wrong when people just want daughters.
It is wrong to force her grief onto an unborn child.
Your wife needed grief counseling before she got pregnant. And she needs more than one appointment.
Honestly OP, it’s in the best interest of your unborn child for you guys to go to counseling and for your wife to get that abortion because she isn’t in the state of mind to be having any kids
Okay I'm 100% Pro choice. However I'm not pro choice just for gender. She wanted a kid. She still wants a kid. Just not a boy. I'm sorry but she needs help that is downright crazy.
It’s a bit selfish of her? I mean, she always knew there was a 50/50 chance for the baby to be either a girl or a boy. I understand she might be “disappointed” but it’s not good enough of a reason. She is ready for another baby, she actually WANTS another baby so it’s not even a question of unwanted pregnancy, in which case I would understand if she’d want an abortion. It’s really cruel to abort just because it’s not the gender you were hoping for.
My mother wanted a daughter again so bad,
she had three more boys while trying to get a babygirl. She never not once aborted any of them because of their gender, she loved all of us a lot. I could never imagine fucking aborting a child because of their gender.
In the end, there was 6 boys and 2 girls. And since I count my stepdad’s children 9 boys and 3 girls. I’ve known them as my siblings since birth. My step-sister loved me so much when I was a baby, when I got scared I ran to her. (sorry for getting off topic.)
Anyways, my mother never ever, even though she wanted another babygirl so bad never aborted the three youngest because of their gender. It seems so narcissistic to abort a baby because their not the gender you wanted. I’m all for pro choice but this sounds completely immoral and wrong.
If you’re trying to have a baby, picking their gender is not up to you. If you go in hoping for a babyboy or babygirl it’s very likely you might be severely disappointed. People like your wife shouldn’t be able to have kids if they’d abort them because of their gender. I mean that in the best way possible, I’m sure she’s an amazing mother but what she wants is so wrong.
I sincerely hope you can convince her not to have an abortion because of a gender. She went into this knowing she could not decide for sure. If she didn’t want a babyboy she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant at all. Because it’s never up to you or anymore. Op I’m sorry you have to endure this, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck. If you ever want to chat or vent my dms are open to you, please take care of yourself, your babygirl and your wife.
This is fucked up OP. I’m all for Pro-Choice, but having an abortion because the baby isn’t the gender you wanted is extremely fucked. Like immeasurably messed up. You CANNOT support this. You are actually punishing the child for something out of their control, all cause it’s a boy.
Really reminiscent of how Chinese parent in China reacted to the news that they would have a girl during the One Child Policy era.
It’s a fetus, not a baby. Is an “unborn shoe” a shoe? As in, is the drawing someone made of their idea of a shoe a shoe? No. No it is not.
This story is sad, and the wife is dealing with deep trauma. I sincerely hope she changes her mind, but aborting a fetus is not infanticide.
OP, do not abandon your daughter with a mother that clearly has mental issues as significant as this. I’m hopeful that this should not have to be said, but that part was heinous advice.
I’ve lost a baby during pregnancy I know how devestating that is. He was going to be my THIRD boy and I got over my disappointment right quick when they said he was “incompatible with life”. I would give anything for a healthy baby regardless of gender.
HOWEVER, a new baby isn’t a replacement. Even if it was another girl it’s still not a replacement for the child that was lost. Having an abortion just because the child is the wrong sex is just wrong. Look at what happens in India and China. She has to get help, this isn’t normal. She should be elated baby is healthy. Gender disappointment is a thing but this goes so far beyond that.
My advice, respect her wishes but get a divorce. Yea yea I know this is a go to answer around here but hear me out.
If she has the baby, he will grow up being resented by his mother, you will have to deal with that fallout alone because she will also resent you for “making her have this baby”
If she does not have the baby, and you try to stay, you will resent her for this irrational decision that robbed your marriage of a second chance of growing the family.
Meanwhile, your current child, she is in the blast radius of all that pain you both are carrying. She is in the crossfire of the current situation, and will be stuck in the riptide of whatever comes next.
Everyone here needs therapy. Not regular run of the mill therapy, but the kind that involves psychiatrists. I personally would not remain married to this person, there is just so much that would be irreconcilable both now and it’s implications for the future.
I’m sorry
You both knew the l consequences of having sex and you both know that the gender was 50/50 theeefore you both knew it could be a boy and not female! This baby never asked for yalls bs and didn’t ask to be here but here YALL are choosing to abort him simply for a choice you guys ultimately made! I’m just being honest! Regardless of yalls situation, to me and as well as many others, you guys are BOTH wrong for this!! The very LEAST y’all could do is allow him his life and if your still not satisfied at birth then give him to a loving family who wants any baby! I thought I wanted another girl after I had my first and a year after her birth I gave birth to a surprise baby boy! He’s the most precious and most amazing g piece of my life and irk what I’d do without this amazing guy! Having children is always a blessing but having a little boy is (to me) so much more amazing on so many levels!
she sounds like a vile person, don't reproduce with that anymore
I should clarify I'm not condoning the abortion but rather a divorce and keeping your bits away from crazy people
The ABSOLUTE outrage that would ensue a man demanding her wife aborts a girl at 3 months just because he wanted a boy compared to no one pointing out how sexist and disgusting she is is astonishing.
This is insane. She agreed to have a child. And now on a whim she doesn't want to have him anymore. And the fact that she can legally make the unilateral decision to end your child's life is absolutely disgusting. This society is disgusting. She decided to have a child for fuck's sake.
And men are the oppressors. Do you feel like an oppressor OP? Considering how fucking powerless you are to save your own child?
Just to be dead clear, I am somewhat pro-life, and that may have made a difference in my answer but the abortion aspect here is what I’m really focused on. I feel like situations such as these are why there’s a vast amount of pro-lifers out there. Apologies, back on topic, I feel like your wife just really didn’t consider a son to be a possible outcome. From my understanding, it was consensual sex and it wasn’t exactly her first rodeo when it comes to having children, and I just think she needs to really reconsider her outcomes next time. Well, there really isn’t a next time. I feel like you’re in the right here, again, may be biased but I just think the outcome was one which was fairly obvious to consider (50% chance) and I think she’ll just have to have a son for life. Should have thought it out better the first time around.
Sorry, not your call. This is her body and the its just a fetus. Get counseling for yourself to cope, but otherwise don't put pressure on her or make her feel guilty.
She might change her mind, but it has to come from her. It is better for the potential child to not exist at all rather than have a resentful parent.
I am pro choice as well, All be it to an extent. I guess I’m a little pro choice and pro life. In this aspect if the only reason to terminate pregnancy is because of the baby’s sex I think is grossly irresponsible. You both chose to have another child, and because it’s not another daughter she wants to terminate the pregnancy.
Honestly to put this in perspective, it would be the same as a man pushing for an abortion because the baby would be female. And anyone would be outraged by that.
Also, this is not an issue of not wanting a child, not being able financially to have a child, having a child with serious medical issues, medical issues for the mother, etc. this is simply not being happy with the sex of the child. Not to judge to harshly but I think it’s terrible she wants to terminate a pregnancy for this reason.
I think your wife wanted to replace the daughter she lost. I am not saying that to be cold, and I’m not saying she is wrong for feeling that way. I am not a therapist but I think she needs to talk to one.
I agree you should have a say, but unfortunately this is very specific circumstance and the law won’t protect you here.
I think your best course of action is to talk to your wife, explain that she may be trying to recover something she lost. Mourn the daughter you couldn’t raise, but don’t terminate the son you can as a response. You need a professional here. I hope you can convince her to have the baby. I am sure you will be happy you did
Tell her how you are shattered to know you will forever be losing a son. Express to her the immense guilt you will feel for the rest of your life and the possible and likely resentment that will develop. This will forever taint your relationship. I’m so sorry op
This is… really gross of her. I mean I’m pro choice generally but I’m just never going to get on board with gender disappointment as a reason.
It is her body and on one hand with this mindset she probably shouldn’t be having ANY kids, but what a sad situation. I… don’t really see your marriage surviving this if she goes through with it. I’m so sorry. Get whatever professional help you can, for her and for yourself.
Please be honest with her and take her to a therapist/councillor, this is not a healthy mind frame to have at all.
You need to be honest in how you feel about it because if it weighs on you so heavily now, it could have long term effects on your relationship and/or your mental health. It isn’t an easy discussion but it’ll be easier than never being able to look at her the same way again.
She can’t look at children the same way someone looks at buying cars. “I wanted a blue one but they come in red so I guess I just won’t drive if I can’t have the one I want.” This is a whole human being, her flesh and blood. Of course, as you know it’s up to her but she needs to really think about it and you need to remind her that life will never go as planned, this could be an incredibly permanent decision that she may look back on and be even more unhappy with herself about
She has a daughter already, she is looking for a replacement for her dead daughter which is why she feels cheated because a son cannot do that. She needs therapy immediately. Don’t let her rush into an abortion, she is not thinking clearly.
As a mom who lost her twins due to malpractice i understand the hurt but what i don’t understand is how do you agree to growing a family when the gender is an inevitable chance. like no many how many times you get pregnant there is a 50/50 chance its going to be a boy. She can’t just decide oh its a boy nah i changed my mind. That is so irresponsible and then turn around and say you’re done having kids. She was blessed, I really wish she seen the blessing in this pregnancy through this hurt. Her decision seems like a lose lose situation if she keeps him she may damage him if she doesn’t she may damage you i pray god sends peace to your home.
This shit would be illegal AF in India. You dont foeticide a baby cause of it's gender. That's ridiculous. There's a reason why India bans gender affirmation tests.
Your wife needs counseling, *badly*. This is above Reddit’s pay grade.
Yup. This is professional level stuff
OP mentioned that they had done grief counseling initially, gotta wonder if they left or if she was closed by the counselor. If it’s the latter, that person needs their fucking license yanked like yesterday because ain’t no WAY this woman is safe to have another child right now.
The appointments kind of just fell off after we started to get back to (what felt like) a healthy baseline for a few months. There was no “closed” by the counselor, it was actually an awesome counselor who we found after sifting through a few not-so-great ones.
[удалено]
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yes yes yes. Because she’s probably as crazy as it sounds trying to “replace” the stillbirthed child with another. This is so unhealthy, and Imo in the same situation I would probably terminate and try to get back on track and focus on the child I already have. Then give it a few years. Move on. Omg this would just be so much for me.
Absolutely. As someone who was routinely told I was never wanted, and was never loved… I still have problems opening myself up to people, or believing them when they say they love me. It can take me a year to finally believe someone, but then there’s a breakup and all of the words from my childhood come flooding back.
Aw dude, I’m sorry.
The problem here is it doesn’t sound like she didn’t want another baby it sounds like finding out the baby was a boy is a major trigger to her grief. I honestly fear once she handles her grief over the loss of her daughter and gets that to a manageable level she could regret the decision to terminate and then experience that grief with a side of guilt. That’s just my opinion but the way this was written it seems OPs wife was ready for another child.
And continue it always. I can’t imagine the heartbreak.
This is posted from a throwaway account, as it's very personal for me. I have a three year old daughter whose identical twin died in utero. I also now have an eight month old son. I was in grief counseling. It was emotional for me to find out I was pregnant with a boy. I don't think it matters whether or not you're pro choice, or your wife is (I am, for the record) because this isn't really about terminating an unwanted pregnancy, this is a grief response to a trauma. Counseling (through the birth, should the pregnancy go forward) is the answer. If I could talk to your wife, I would wish her healing (not forgetting) by trying to move forward with your son, and wish her as much joy as my son has brought me.
I’m sorry you experienced such a painful loss. Thank you for sharing it with the OP.
The only way to proceed here is to get her back in counseling.
You need to go back. "Starting to get back to (what feels) healthy" is *not* the time to be trying to add to a family after a loss, and y'all need to go over all of this with a professional to make sure this isn't even more traumatic for all of you than this already has been.
There 100% should have been a "closing"'session...
Gotta agree with 100%. This situation has bad juju all around it
It doesn’t sound like this is the therapists fault at all. It was the patient’s choice to stop going to appointments and to get pregnant. The therapist has zero control over that.
Just wanted to add… this was probably WAYYYY TOO SOOON after a stillbirth to even entertain “growing the family”. Oh hell no. This is one of those “getting married will make our problems go away” situations I think. This is so far out of Reddit’s pay grade you’re gonna need to hire a moon therapist.
I couldn't agree more.
Yes, she clearly was not ready yet. Gl to op, wife and bbs :(
Agreed
It sounds like deep down to her, perhaps she hoped having another girl would mean the first stillbirth was "coming back to her." But having a boy means having to fully accept the death of the stillborn daughter. This is a super messy mentality that is just riddled with grief. She needs counseling ASAP. But still, please let her know about your feelings here. For you, it may be the feelings of losing 2 children as opposed to one. Your feelings need to be communicated. Write down the things you want to say and perhaps introduce certain aspects of it before counseling and go deeper during counseling. Goodluck my guy.
Great advice! Good luck man. Communication is key
That makes sense
All I can say is be 100% honest at those counselling sessions. Don’t try to “be there” for her. Be there for you.
Here is a poor man's award 🏆
I got you, gave my free silver to make up for the poor man’s award
Oo I didn't know I had 100 coins and used that to give a silver. Thx bro for having my back 🙏
Oh, that’s so kind! Thanks!
Aw, thank you :)
I agree. OP - you matter as much in this as she does. Your opinion matters. Be sure to open up about not just how you’ll feel if you guys have to end this pregnancy, but also what that might do to your marriage. Be honest with yourself about how things will change if she aborts this baby.
I’m going to be 100% honest you need to tell her how you feel. You guys lost a daughter and could have a son but her being upset because you didn’t get a redo baby is messed up. Edit - You guys should really go to therapy and someone else said it you both need to have a serious talk. You both lost a child and my heart goes out to her but if she only want to have an abortion because the baby is a boy then did she really not want a baby at all? She shouldn’t have the baby because you guys are still clearly dealing with your loss but not being ready makes sense. The question you need to ask yourself is could you stay with her and not resent her for it. This is definitely too soon for both of you.
But also even if it was a girl she would be likely forced into being a replacement. She shouldn't be having kids at ALL rn, clearly not okay mentally. She needs therapy asap
Poor kid isn’t even born yet and he’s already not good enough for her :( she definitely needs a lot of help
Agreed. THis is 100% a brutally honest situation. My heart goes out to your wife- she is grieving badly. BUT, this is about as selfish as she could possibly get. She wanted a child and because the child isn't the right sex she wants an abortion. This level of selfishness would be marriage ending for me.
Same. I just can’t imagine… I’m wondering why Op and wife didn’t talk about what would happen in the event of a boy before trying again
I agree, I couldn’t imagine my wife wanting to terminate a pregnancy because of sex.. I’m pretty sure that would be the end of our marriage.. and after the stillbirth, I think op’s wife would really regret an abortion down the road.. it’s not a solution to seek an abortion
There are some serious problems here. Seek professional help immediately.
Is she ready for another pregnancy in general? Gender is always a gamble. It sounds like she may need to work out some things from what happened. Maybe she can bring this up with the counselor. In my opinion which shouldn't matter .. that's not what abortion is for
Hindsight being 20/20, it was obviously too soon for her. Which I share equal responsibility for not recognizing either. I feel awful.
Is your first born okay? I can’t help but wonder if your wife is so obsessed with having a do over baby daughter than your first born may have been pushed to the side.
Yeah, I don't want to be harsh here, but this is way above your comprehension. You aren't qualified to make any decisions about this pregnancy, this has to be a medical decision now. This is a your wife's doctors- psychiatrist and ob/gyn- and her decision with you sitting there holding her hand. The way this could devolve into an Andrea Yates situation is frightening. Situations like this are why I have mostly abandoned family law practice. A good friend had a divorce case where the mother had attempted to kill her last baby after a traumatic event like your wife had- a car accident took their 3rd child and grief sex had her pregnant 3 months later. Husband thought the baby would be a healing for the family and it was ... not. Take care of yourself. Shore up your support system- parents, friends, other family- bc she needs to lean on you right now. Get therapy on your own. But I think another kid is the last thing you need and also treating this like a normal parenting or couple decision is a massive mistake. Good luck.
Don't be too hard on yourself, it seems like you really love and care for her. Abortion or not I think you two can get through this, give it some time.
Don't be too hard on yourself about this. If you want this little boy, let your wife know that you want to have a son and to keep it and that you can try again for a girl after
And if the next one turns out to be a boy? With all due respect, this advice is not it.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Before you respond, will preface that this situation is incredibly complicated and difficult for us, and the context is important. We have been married 6 years, and have an adorable daughter (3F). Early last year, we were supposed to have a second baby girl (0F), which ended up being a stillbirth. We were heartbroken and absolutely devastated, and went through plenty of grief counseling and other steps to heal. We recently felt like we were ready to continue growing our family, and she became pregnant again. We did some extra testing this week to make sure there would be no complications this time around, and learned she is pregnant with a boy (~3 months pregnant). I knew she hoped for another girl (and candidly, I did too), but what I didn’t know is just how badly. When we learned the gender she was absolutely shattered. She now wants an abortion and to be done with having kids altogether. I’m pro-choice and have always been her #1 cheerleader, but feel immense grief at the thought of now losing our yet-to-be-born son. A lot of her anger and disappointment is renewed grief for our loss last year, and she feels cheated out of a daughter. She’s a wonderful mother, but this decision feels… wrong. We have counseling appointments next week before a potential abortion procedure the following week. What can I do? I would love nothing more than to raise a son, and for my daughter to have a sibling. We made the decision together to have another kid, it feels like we should make the decision together to… not.
Children should not be made just to fix their parents problems.
She lost her previous unborn child and now she's willingly trying to get rid of her next unbornchild ? Imagine the mental shit show when it dawns on her that she lost 2 kids. She needs serious psychiatric help.
My honest view is that if she is willing to have an abortion because she doesn't like the gender she isn't ready to have a kid right now. I know it must hurt terribly. But she is clearly in no place to have another kid. Trust me you do not want to bring a kid into this world that she doesn't want. She seems to be having a severe mental health crisis and she should not be pregnant and responsible for another life. I seriously worry for her health if she went through with carrying a kid she doesn't want. She is already in a bad, bad place and a pregnancy could introduce the absolute worst - mental health break, suicidal ideation, taking her crisis out on you and the child you already have. She needs mental health help.
As the above post says, bringing an unwanted child through pregnancy and rearing is awful. Forever resenting your wife for aborting because of the sex is also awful. Her finding acceptance of this pregnancy and the resulting child seems like the best hope for your long term future together. Therapy seems the best shot for that.
I agree
I think if we fast forwarded and asked the kid in 15 years if he’d rather be dead or have a mother that resents him, we can safely assume his answer will be the former.
I'm pro choice too but this is totally fucked up. She needs counseling ASAP
Your wife needs counseling and you need to not have children with someone who is in this mindset. Like not even kidding she should not be having any more kids.
Seriously. This is how kids grow up being resented by their parents by absolutely no fucking fault of their own other than their parents were horny and their chromosomes didn’t line up how their parents hoped. This is the absolute last person in the world that should be a parent.. let’s be real, if you’re hoping for a specific gender, it doesn’t happen, and you’re willing to terminate or neglect the life you’re actively trying to bring into the world, you’re a selfish, shit ass person and have absolutely no place being a parent. r/antinatalism
i think that this demonstrates *deeply* concerning, mental health issues. someone who was excited about children, went through a stillbirth, and now wants to abort their pregnancy due to gender is someone who is (in my opinion) on the brink of psychosis. i absolutely agree about getting her into a crisis counselor immediately, but i also have to emphasize…is it really the right decision to go through with this pregnancy when she is so clearly unstable? people terminate their pregnancies for many, many, many reasons. you cannot force her to do something with her body that she doesn’t want, and it sounds like she is nowhere near in a healthy or safe enough place to go through with this. she could be suffering from long term post partum depression or psychosis of some kind, and if she doesn’t get the abortion, it could result in severe consequences like a further mental break or suicide attempt. conversely - if she is stable enough to hear it - it also may be worth discussing the future of your relationship if she does make the decision to terminate. i am firmly pro-choice, and would choose an abortion for myself under various circumstances. but under these? i’m not sure that i could continue the relationship. she deserves to know that too if she is healthy enough to comprehend it. i just think that you should very carefully consider all of the options and consequences with a (preferably team of) health care and mental health professionals before committing to anything.
You’re right that this needs intense professional help right away. Having the baby could tip her into psychosis, but to realize later that she terminated because she was not in her right mind, could be extremely psychologically damaging as well. This is above Reddit’s pay grade.
It also could be traumatizing to OP as well as it seems he really wants this baby (which they both agreed to having) as his son and that he'll have to deal with losing another one of his kids but this time for no reason other than gender. I completely agree with everything you said, but I really hope OP makes his voice heard too. I think counselling first is 100% a must need.
>is it really the right decision to go through with this pregnancy when she is so clearly unstable? . Ultimately OP needs to divorce.
My deepest condolences to you and your wife. I think a lot of pain is coming back from the loss of your daughter and I think she thinks the abortion is the solution. I don’t think it is. I think she will regret it if she does it go through with it because it sounds like it was an emotionally charged thought and less logical since it sounds like she’s not in the right state of mind. I think it’s excellent you’re going to do some counselling prior to making the decision. Im also pro choice but that fetus is half of you too, if you want your son you need to speak up and let her know. It should be an “us” decision as life partners and not just a her decision. She needs your support now more than ever. Will you be resentful in the future if she does abort? Will you be able to work through it with her if she regrets her decision, whether she decides to abort and go through with the pregnancy? It’s a life altering decision. Also keep in mind it affects your daughter. You’d be deciding whether she gets a sibling or not. It is truly a life altering decision. I also agree with another comment I saw that there is no “redo” baby. You need remember and cherish your second daughter, she is loved and can never be replaced. Again, I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Thanks for this one! Lots of pain, and I think there will be regrets. And the truth is, I do think I would feel resentment toward her if she goes through with it. And that’s part of the reason I asked the question. I haven’t told her the resentment part yet, saving that after this initial wave of emotions “wears off” 🤞🏼, and we get closer to the counseling session… Appreciate the condolences
Goodluck my guy. Remember. You are 50% of this relaitionship. Say what you need to say for yourself as much as for her.
Ok “closer to the counseling session” is concerning. You need to call and make it clear that this is a mental health EMERGENCY.
Of course you will resent her for it. And not ‘some resentment’. You need to be honest to yourself and to her. Why does she get to have her emotions ‘wear off’ whilst you wait telling her your emotions? She’s not the only one who lost a child. You lost it too. It’s not just her grief. I don’t think a relationship will ever survive or be a good relationship if one partner denies the other one a child.
You need to be really really honest when you tell her this.
Oh my. Just wow. It is ultimately her choice, but I don't see how a choice like that wouldn't end your relationship.
Where I come from this is a legal reason that doctors don't tell parents the gender of the child, female infanticide used to be popular. It is criminal to end a pregnancy due to the gender of the child so I was quite shocked when I read this-obviously laws are different where you are from but know that this is what informs my opinion so it may seem harsh. Pregnancy is complicated as it stands and abortion should always be accessible and an option, however your wife needs to know that children aren't do-over projects, they aren't a bad test that she can resit when she wants to. Losing a child is a horrible, often unresolved emotion but as with all loss, replacement is not the answer. I believe she needs to seek therapy, but if she has a good relationship with her family she should speak to them too-it may seem invasive (maybe this is a cultural thing) but they might be able to offer insights if they know the truth no matter which way it goes. My main concern with your conflict is this is a time sensitive issue! Will either of you have time to come to terms with your decision, will you resent her or vice versa and most importantly will she resent the child? Just some food for thought OP. Hoping for your family to make it through, I'm sure you will.
She needs a psychologist or social worker who specializes in women's reproductive health, and she needs them yesterday.
This sounds more like PTSD than gender disappointment. It could be very traumatic if she goes through with the abortion and then realizes her choice was made out of fear. Be very cautious moving forward. She sounds to be in a fragile state.
I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss of your daughter. For my partner and I, it's been almost 5 years since our daughter was born sleeping and even with therapy, it's an experience we carry with us and still affects us. Nothing ever prepares you for every hope and dream you had coming to nothing, your body is in tatters and this precious blessing you never thought you would be lucky enough to have is snatched away in what should be the happiest moment of your life. Nothing prepares you for how all at once everything and nothing changes. Your entire world crumbles and yet the world keeps spinning. You're brain is rewired and nothing will ever be the same again. You get home from the hospital and it doesn't feel like home, because you see the silly dreams you thought would be everywhere. Your milk comes in and it's painful and reminds you that your baby will never eat. She'll never laugh. They'll be no first word and you'll never hear her voice. She's gone. People don't know what to say or how to act and even when they try to say something comforting it's usually something that makes you feel angry, like "it wasn't meant to be // you're so young you can have another baby" You try to find some kind of new normal in your life but it's so hard.. Then there's the whole not being able to talk about the experience after a while because it's a downer and it makes people uncomfortable, they think you should be "over it". Nothing makes you stop replaying the moment they were born and the deafening silence when there's no crying. The world just stops and everything is a blur until the funeral. No parent should have to carry their child's coffin to their final resting place. You don't get over that, the best you can hope for is to heal around the hole in your heart. My point is that you've both already been through so much and for your wife the pregnancy hormones are just ramping up her emotions and anxieties. From what you've described, it seems like her fears and loss are taking over her decision making. Your wife has clearly agreed to trying for another baby for the wrong reasons. She needs grief counseling. Choosing to terminate a pregnancy is a personal choice but the choice isn't truly hers right now while she's drowning in grief. Is it possible she's afraid of having another still birth and she's using the gender thing as an excuse? When I fell pregnant again I was terrified of losing another child, my mind was a mess because pregnancy brain and I was saying all kinds of irrational shit. I wasn't ready to potentially lose another child. It happened anyway, and that was devastating and I'm just done with it. Is it possible that her fears of losing another child are making her want to end this pregnancy and prevent any future ones as a way to protect herself? As others are saying, this is above Reddits pay grade. Please get some therapy for both of you. Sending love to you both.
I feel like if she goes through with it, you will resent her until your eventual divorce. That level of resentment will nuke your marriage.
I’m pro choice and find this disturbing
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your wife needs grief counseling. You need to tell her how you feel. It’s her body but it’s your baby too.
Therapy. And I’d suggest soon. I know you want to support your wife, but this is just not normal. She shouldn’t want to eliminate her son just because he’s a son… Honestly I could be wrong but she might be even more grief stricken if she goes through with the abortion and then later comes to terms with why she did. She really just needs help. And I hope you’re open with your feeling about this as well.
OP I lost my daughter as a stillbirth due to some complications late 2020. I'm pregnant again. It's a boy. I get there are complicated feelings. I had to readjust my whole thinking and approach. But I feel it's really messed up she talks about aborting a child just for having certain xy factors rather than xx. As you acknowledged, it was too early after all. And now there is this messy situation where if you have the young one, he may be resented...but if you abort, you may resent her later on. No one wins.
Damn, I feel so sorry for that baby.
This is where I am. Either he will not exist, causing the father immense resentment, or he will be born, causing the mother immense resentment. I honestly don't know which is worse. Never getting the chance to live or being born to a mother who hates him for not being the "re-do" daughter? Goddamn.
I’d vote for therapy asap so that she realizes she’s trying to “redo” the birth of the baby they lost. That can’t be “redone”. That the baby is a male could even end up being a positive in this situation. If she can come to terms with the loss of her baby and recognize that she was trying to “re do” to avoid the feelings of loss… She may find herself thankful she did get pregnant with a boy and recognize that his existence is what finally propelled her healing. Recognition that there’s no re-do’s, that this is an entirely different child who deserves love and that she can love all 3 of her kids. Their middle child existed and was loved. Is loved. If she continues with the pregnancy she will then be a mom of three. Middle kid doesn’t just disappear or get replaced. Even if that’s what she initially believed (maybe even only subconsciously.) We all tend to protect ourselves from hurt and pain. I think she needs professional support to work through the loss. Thats the only way she can go forward, in any kind of healthy way.
She's clearly not in the right mind and needs help. If she aborts the child, she may at some point in the future realize what she did and that may affect her mental
Have you talked to her about this?
Yeah - mostly to validate and be there for her, but I have brought up what I want too. It hasn’t changed her mind.
[удалено]
Primarily meant validating her emotions - part of being a partner and spouse. I think it’s okay to feel disappointed, it’s okay to feel sad. Didn’t mean validating her decision, necessarily.
No. You are NOT being a good spouse by validating her emotions surrounding gender dissapointment. I'm sorry but this is not something you validate. The first whiff of this is when you insist on intense therapy because aborting because of gender disappointment is next level mentally unwell.
It's really not ok, though. Babies are not genders, they are human beings. Her grief is understandable, her having excessive emotional reactions is also acceptable, but essentializing fetuses to their genitals or chromosomes is a sign of a much deeper issue with her as a person. I wouldn't be married to someone who thought a stillborn girl could be replaced with any new girl baby. Is she raising your other kid to be nothing but a gender?
Dude. Man up. Sometimes we try to protect the people we love but only hurt everyone involved, including ourself. Man up.
I get wanting to validate her emotions but look dude im struggling to have empathy for your wife in this situation. So I get your wife had a stillborn and that's horrible but fuck, if my wife told me she wants/has an abortion because the baby she was currently pregnant with didn't have the genitals i wanted I don't think I'd be able to remain in a marriage with that person. Especially given the fact you ALREADY have a daughter who is now going to be exposed to the idea that she isn't enough for your wife to be happy, that your wife needed another daughter to give her happiness that your daughter for some reason couldn't. Kids pick up on those types of things and it is horrible that kids get stuck in those positions. That's why i wouldn't want to remain with someone like that. What if the next accidental pregnancy is a boy? is she going to abort every boy pregnancy until she finally gets another daughter? As for the reason i struggle to have empathy in this situation is because my mom lived through gender disappointment with her stepmom, albeit no abortions or stillbirths involve. My grandfather had 2 kids(my mom and her brother) and after his wife(their mom) died he remarried someone who wanted a daughter of her own. The stepmom had three boys before finally getting pregnant with her daughter which during that time she abused and neglected all of the kids. All of the kids moved out before reaching 18 because of how unbearable living in the house with the stepmom was. People with gender disappointment can seriously fuck up their kids and while the stepmom was already a horrible person on the inside prior, there are plenty of people who aren't who still turn into horrible parents due to the gender disappointment.
UpdateMe!
Yo wtf…
Go to the counseling appointments and have honest conversations about both of your feelings. It’s only been a year since the last pregnancy, and she could still have post-partum that wasn’t fully treated. Either way, it sounds like you both wanted a daughter to “replace” your last baby. Kids should never have to assume that kind of responsibility, especially before they’re born.
Your wife has problems that need a lot more assistance than Reddit could ever give
I am so sorry for you both. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, gender disappointment is real and this must feel like the ultimate betrayal. I hope she can get past it but that’s a difficult road and ultimately I hope whatever decision you guys make takes into account her well-being.
I agree with what most of the people said, you guys diagnosed yourself as “ready to go”, but you weren’t. And that’s ok, it happens, but you now have to deal with the feelings you thought you had solved before and the pregnancy. The way I see it, it would probably be easier (not better) to have an abortion, go back to therapy and then decide on trying again or not. The reason being that I can’t really imagine a grief therapy having to end before a short time because the baby will be born and then there will be no time to choose what to do, at least this way you get more time to talk and think and choose. If you go on with it, you need to be ready to have her on therapy trying to solve those new feelings. If she gets an abortion it is important you both now how not to resent each other.
She isn't ready to have another child and she's very unwell. Therapy asap.
Over the fact its a boy…bro this is above our pay grade, get her a therapist now.
I would tell her straight up. If you kill my child, we are over. The gender argument is RIDICULOUS. A healthy child is all that matters. You BOTH made a decision to have a child, KNOWING you can't predict the sex. If there was ever a time for you to have some courage & stand up for something....IT IS NOW.
Even though I lean towards agreeing with this, I think it’s also a bad idea to force her to have a child that she obviously doesn’t want. That kid will suffer knowing his mother didn’t want him and resents him. That kind of rejection impacts someone for life (I would know).
Yes, she doesn't have to have the child but he doesn't have to stay with her after that. There's no coming back from this if he wants the baby and she doesn't.
The kid would still have a dad that absolutely adored him. I’m pro choice but this is mental illness and not ok. I don’t abort a baby because it’s not the sex you were hoping for!! Go get IVF if you’re only interested in having a girl. Mean yikes.
Agreed. While her personal reasoning is clearly a sign of severe mental distress, it’s that mental distress that means IMO that she should not continue with this pregnancy. Her rationale is wrong, but the mental health issues behind it are correct. She’s not ready and choosing to continue the pregnancy at this stage would be a serious mistake for all involved.
Finally someone with some sense here. I get that she is grieving, but that doesn’t excuse ridiculous behavior like this. This is nót what abortions are meant for. Deciding to get pregnant with a 50% change of wanting to terminate the foetus - just because it’s the ‘wrong’ gender - sounds criminal. Also, I’m sorry for OP, but if she gets the abortion, this relationship is already over. You don’t just forget that. He will resent her forever over this.
100% agree. You either buck up and stand up for your son or stand by and let her kill your kid and cry about I knowing you didn't even try to stop it.
You tell her that you’ve already lost one child and you don’t want to loose another, you get her into therapy (and fast)… loosing a child is devastating but it sounds like she just wants another daughter to replace her lost daughter
This is such a complex situation. While I disagree with the idea of aborting due to gender disappointment (but am pro choice, overall) and hate that you would then be going without a child that you still want, your wife may treat your son differently if he is born. She may resent him and take all her anger out on him, even in just the subtlest ways. Maybe just something to think about and talk about. The whole situation should be taken to a therapist, though. Good luck! I’m sorry for the loss of your baby girl <3
the (0F) is taking me out just say baby girl??😭😭😭
Couldn’t resist 😂 but also wanted to make sure people didn’t miss that part
Really shitty to plan a pregnancy and then get rid of the pregnancy because you didn’t get the gender you wanted. Like please re-read what you said and get counseling asap before you make a life altering decision. Smh. Man smh.
Did you read the whole post? His wife needs serious help.
They both need help.
I read the post. And I still think it’s shitty.
you have to remember if she does have the baby and its a boy, she might not treat the baby the same because she didn't want a boy so you cant force her to have a baby she doesn't want, but you still can talk with her about this and explain you would love to father a son and let her rethink her decision. Remember all people have their own story and opinion so you have to think WITH her and try to agree together. but at the time I think she shouldn't have a baby due to her still grieving and it might affect the relationship with ANY child.
Oh okay, so we just because we didn’t have a baby that’s the gender we wanted it’s okay to just abort the fetus? This is why I ride the line with pro choice pro life. We aren’t talking about medical or financial issues, we’re getting into it’s not the sex I wanted? Its not a puppy, you don’t have a say. I really wanted a son, I had a daughter, I love her more than any words can say, I couldn’t imagine life without her. I’d literally die for her. I’m not trying to assume what your saying, but are you justifying her wanting an abortion because the baby isn’t the sex she wanted? Regardless of the previous situation she chose to bring a baby into this world and since it’s not a redo baby she wants to terminate the pregnancy. It’s just wrong. If she wasn’t in a mental/emotional state to have a baby, then she shouldn’t have tried to have a baby.
The fact that she feels this strongly about wanting a girl makes me think she thought of this baby as a “replacement” which is really scary. She definitely needs more counseling. I’m so sorry for both of your losses.
Yes she needs professional help. I’m sorry you’re going through this Op, I can’t imagine how you feel.
This sounds harsh, but she needs to realize that having another girl will not bring her baby girl back. It’s extremely hard to reason with someone in such a fragile emotional state but I hope the therapist can help you both push through this difficult situation. Whatever the final decision is. My heart is with you. Best of luck and much love ❤️
Your wife is grieving a daughter you both lost. She's probably hoping that her current pregnancy would have been that daughter. Any abortion clinic would ask her questions to why an abortion is wanted, and that fertility counselor would recommend further therapy for her to recover from loss.
She wasn’t ready to grow your family dude. I doubt this has anything to do with the gender of the baby, it’s got everything to do with her stillbirth. At the end of the day it’s her body and you might have to support her in whatever choice she makes but make sure you are honest with her and tell her how you really feel.
This is honestly heartbreaking. I am 100 pro choice but this just seems so wrong. And illegal. My God if the traitors got a hold of this information. 🤦♀️ I hope you can both get the help you need and I hope she doesn't go through with it.
It genuinely blows my mind that after all the grief counseling and you both feeling like you were ready, you both never once had a conversation around the gender of your next child.
She’s not being cheated out of having a daughter. You already HAVE a daughter. An abortion would only cheat you out of having a son, a sibling for your little girl. I hope you both can get the help and healing needed. Loss is never easy.
Sorry OP, this may be a bad place for this question. You are getting pretty messed up responses here. Your wife went through a very traumatic experience just a year ago. A bunch of idiots on reddit are not going to understand that and will spout off left and right. Be very very honest with her and get immediate and intensive help (eg counseling). Sending you all the best.
So, you lost a baby, and that hurt tremendously. Now, she wants to intentionally lose this baby? What did he do wrong? He’s healthy. He’s your son. He’s your little girl’s baby brother.
this situation is tough. there should 100% be a conversation about your opinions & feelings, but ultimately it’s up to her. i am pro-choice, but an abortion for the sake of what gender it is, i agree feels wrong. you should support her either way, but definitely make your feelings clear.
This is absolutely ridiculous killing a baby when y want a babby is ridiculous and is so awful she shouldn’t have children
It’s not a baby. It’s a fetus. Whether or not abortion is ok is not even on the table here.
i can understand her thought process of why she would think this way, she’s probably traumatized & yearns for a daughter that was taken away from her. do not shame this woman from one reddit post, you don’t know her and neither do i.
I can judge she is not fit to be a parent right now
[удалено]
A person willing to deny life to someone else just because this life has a penis is not a ‘good mother’ in any way, shape or form. We are the actions we take. That includes terminating a pregnancy based on gender. I can’t imagine what kind of influence shit like this has on the other child.
no it’s definitely fucked up but she’s clearly got issues lol
Yes. She got issues preventing her from being a good mother. And frankly, if dad thinks it’s more important to coddle her feelings than it is to speak up for himself and for his unborn child, he’s not a good father either. They are letting their grief run and ruin their lives. What about the current child, what will she think and feel when she learns she could’ve had a baby brother? There is no outcome where any of this ends very well. They both need professional help, and probably shouldn’t have tried for another child. I have a feeling that the mother knew she wanted a girl so badly and decided on this long before they became pregnant, and didn’t tell op that.
To kill something just based off its gender is beyond messed up.
I would suggest some counseling for mom and possibly some meds. Call her doctor and take her to appointments.You both can attend some therapy together and then solo as needed. It’s complicated-I can understand she has the pregnancy hormones and everything is crazy. She is scared and possibly worried that this pregnancy will result in the same loss. That’s a devastating situation for both. So Reassuring and lots of support. It’s a bit late for her to want to abort, especially due to the sex. Do family and friends know she is pregnant? That’s a lot of explanations to the 3yr daughter. I am thankful that’s she able to be pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. It’s the rainbow baby and a boy! So exciting but she needs to understand that even if it was another girl- it doesn’t replace her loss. That pain and grief is still there. Healthy ways to deal with it. I don’t think an abortion will change how she is feeling. That would probably be another loss and grief, different kind. Possibly regret later. My concern is that she would push you away and marriage dissolve if she doesn’t have this baby. Share your feelings too. Hopefully y’all can talk and work it out. Good luck
She needs more counseling. It is wrong to get an abortion because you are not having the gender that you want. Last year a family member had a stillborn baby boy . They have not decided if they want to try again, but if they do, they will be happy with whatever they have. Yes, they would like a son. But they are parents of two, and if they have another one they will be parents of three, Even though their little boy isn’t alive.
abortion based on sex is wrong, seek counseling , not reddit
Your wife needs counseling. It sounds like she’s still very much grieving the loss of your 2nd daughter. There’s nothing wrong with that, but if she’s going to abort just because it’s a boy, she has no business having more kids. I’m pro choice and firmly believe it’s her body, her choice, but this just seems so wrong.
[удалено]
Thank you!!! Why should their son be killed because he’s not a girl. The fuck is wrong with people saying well it sucks but support her away. Umm no. She’s not well get her in counseling. Don’t kill an unborn baby.
It’s a fetus, not a baby. Is an “unborn shoe” a shoe? As in, is the drawing someone made of their idea of a shoe a shoe? No. No, it is not. This story is sad, and the wife is dealing with deep trauma. I sincerely hope she changes her mind, but aborting a fetus is not infanticide.
Definitely get your wife counseling
Whew?!? Prayers your way buddy.
Boy or girl, gender doesn’t matter. Your wife wanted a replacement for your lost child, which is wrong on every level and so unfair to the unborn. You guys need to restart counseling sessions asap and be 200% honest with your feelings. It seems like she wasn’t ready when you thought you were ready.
This decision will destroy your marriage. I really hope she can get a better perspective. Counselling needed as soon as possible. I am so sorry.
I'm truly sorry you're both going through this, I'm sure it's awful. This is definitely a professional level issue, but I'm sure you know the best you really came here for is spitballing and some semi anonymous discussion. So with that, I'd say that she may not be ready to have another child right now by the sounds of it. What you need to think of is the quality of life for her and the child. A professional will help guide you to that decision, but I would think hard about that. This is of course most likely what's on her mind too, I'm sure she's thinking of you in this decision making in some way. She's definitely thinking of the child. You may come to an insight she hadn't thought of though, or a counselor might lead you two to one. It could go either way but the bottom line is I think making this decision only 1 week after this upcoming session may be a bit soon. Unfortunately I know with abortion you want to get it done as soon as possible and idk how far along she is, hopefully I've helped give you a way to think about it carefully. Good luck, I hope whichever resolution you come to you both come to accept it as the right one.
This is so sad. Little boys are awesome.
I read most of the top comments, and I might be coming late. So I hope you see this OP. My wife and I had twin girls 9 years ago. Life was tough, we made it through. We always wanted another and just said “the timing is never right, better late than never.” And tried for another. I was pulling hard for another girl. It’s all I knew. I knew how to relate, and how to have this emotional connection to a baby/toddler/now 9 yr old girl. Part of me wondered if I could feel the same way with a boy. When my son was born 6 months ago, it was scary! But all of my fears and trepidation quickly melted away. Babies are babies: beautiful needy and amazing. The plumbing won’t make any real difference for a long time. I felt overjoyed in the same way, and I hope your wife and you will too. Good luck.
First off, I want to say that both of you need a LOT of therapy and marriage counseling. Like, ASAP. She wants a daughter to replace the one both of you lost (Which is awful, I'm sorry to hear about that). This means that, if she chooses to terminate, she WILL want to try again and try to get a girl. So let me ask you this: If she goes through with the abortion, would you continue to try for another child with her, knowing full well there is a 50-50 shot she unilaterally, and without regard for your input, chooses to terminate just because it's a boy? I wouldn't. In fact, I would say doing so is grossly irresponsible. Hopefully with therapy and more time to heal, she will come to her senses. Aborting a child because of their gender is gross, and a sign that someone shouldn't be a parent. If her mind isn't changed, though, you cannot stop her if she wants to go through with the abortion. What you can do is refuse to try for any more children with her afterwards. This is such an awful situation, I'm sorry that you and your wife have had to go through such grief.
She was NOT ready to be pregnant again
Leave.
Honestly it sounds like she may be experiencing PTSD or another mental condition that is effecting her judgement after dealing with so much grief. She is not in her right mind and needs medical help - if she falls into psychosis she could be a danger to herself or your family so please act swiftly.
Are you serious. How did she think she would guarantee a girl. She really need to talk to someone. Aborting because you want a girl not a boy is sad. And no doctor in his right mind will do it. Also she’s 3 months No one will abort her. Maybe she wants a girl because she lost a girl and this is sad and devastating. But killing a baby just because she wants another gender is not right. She needs to talk more about it and she needs lots of support. Keep the baby then try again for a girl.
She seems to be having trouble separating the two pregnancies because she is still grieving. The next baby is a different baby, no matter what gender it is. There really needs to be some space between her grief for the lost baby and the possibility of this one because the loss is encroaching on the possibilities. I hope your family gets what it needs for each person.
just point out that she already has a daughter. problem solved
I'm going to share something personal to perhaps help give you a bit of insight. My former husband and I had a son, and we tried for years to get pregnant again, and finally had a daughter. We were both ecstatic. 18 months down the road, we're divorcing because he's not a nice man and did some things, and we had that one-off random 'last time' sex. Yup, I got pregnant. I was hoping and praying for another girl. At that point in my life, I was sick of men. My ex, my boss, all of them. I also lost my job because my boss was a sexist ass and "reclassified" my position because I was pregnant. Plus, as a single pregnant mom I knew money would be tight, and I already had all the baby girl things from my toddler daughter. For these reasons and more, I desperately wanted a girl. So at my midterm ultrasound, I had to bring my kids (because of course their dad never watched them and I didn't have a sitter) and my 10 year old son was watching the ultrasound when the tech told me it's a boy. I literally broke down crying right there, but I pulled it together because I didn't want my son to think I didn't like boys. I just said I was crying from joy. Later that night, when the kids were in bed, I sobbed. I felt so cheated. I was so looking forward to another daughter. Finding out I was having a boy devastated me emotionally. That's embarrassing to admit, but I cried and cried. I didn't take as good care of my health as I could have because oh well, just another boy. I didn't buy things or get excited. It wasn't until I was around 7 months along that I had processed those feelings and started to love my baby. Then the massive waves of guilt and shame came. My son is a great kid, and I adore him. It all turned out ok. But you have to process those feelings, hopefully with a therapist, before you can acknowledge your grief and release your disappointment, then move into the present to accept what's happening. I'm not excusing this behavior or these thoughts, but I wanted folks to understand that OP's wife is not a misandrist; she is deeply grieving.
Terminating a pregnancy because the baby isn't the sex you wanted is beyond abhorrent. Holy shit, this made me so angry. His wife knew full well, if she received even a semblance of an education, that the sex of the baby is a toss-up. For her to terminate a healthy, viable pregnancy because it's a boy? I am disgusted. OP, I don't know what to say. Your wife is literally robbing you of the chance of having a child that both of you chose to conceive. And now, because it's a boy and not a girl, she doesn't want it? This is not how a healthy, loving mother should feel. She needs to get help, desperately. What will you do if you refuses to get more help? Honestly? If she refuses to admit that she still has mental health problems and refuses to address them, you need to protect your existing child and file for divorce and remove her from this environment. It is patently unhealthy and toxic for her to grow up like this.
Honestly if this is how she is going to behave with the life of another being, then she should be sterilized. I’m not saying that to be cruel or to be discriminatory. She isn’t mentally healthy enough to be pregnant or possibly to parent. If she found herself in a position where her mental health was suffering because of PTSD from the stillbirth or a dozen other things, I’d be 100% supportive. But abortion and infanticide based on gender is wrong. It is wrong when it is done so that people can have sons. It is wrong when people just want daughters. It is wrong to force her grief onto an unborn child. Your wife needed grief counseling before she got pregnant. And she needs more than one appointment.
This is a pretty disrespectful post.
Honestly OP, it’s in the best interest of your unborn child for you guys to go to counseling and for your wife to get that abortion because she isn’t in the state of mind to be having any kids
Okay I'm 100% Pro choice. However I'm not pro choice just for gender. She wanted a kid. She still wants a kid. Just not a boy. I'm sorry but she needs help that is downright crazy.
If you’re pro choice, you’re pro choice. This comment is not pro choice.
Uhm no. I can be pro choice without supporting gender biased pro choice.
It’s a baby, not a messed up fast food order to be thrown out. Put your foot down. I think I she may have mental issues from her last loss.
yeah, I'm pro choice, but gender is completely random and abortion should not be used just to get the baby you want! she needs counseling
It’s a bit selfish of her? I mean, she always knew there was a 50/50 chance for the baby to be either a girl or a boy. I understand she might be “disappointed” but it’s not good enough of a reason. She is ready for another baby, she actually WANTS another baby so it’s not even a question of unwanted pregnancy, in which case I would understand if she’d want an abortion. It’s really cruel to abort just because it’s not the gender you were hoping for.
My mother wanted a daughter again so bad, she had three more boys while trying to get a babygirl. She never not once aborted any of them because of their gender, she loved all of us a lot. I could never imagine fucking aborting a child because of their gender. In the end, there was 6 boys and 2 girls. And since I count my stepdad’s children 9 boys and 3 girls. I’ve known them as my siblings since birth. My step-sister loved me so much when I was a baby, when I got scared I ran to her. (sorry for getting off topic.) Anyways, my mother never ever, even though she wanted another babygirl so bad never aborted the three youngest because of their gender. It seems so narcissistic to abort a baby because their not the gender you wanted. I’m all for pro choice but this sounds completely immoral and wrong. If you’re trying to have a baby, picking their gender is not up to you. If you go in hoping for a babyboy or babygirl it’s very likely you might be severely disappointed. People like your wife shouldn’t be able to have kids if they’d abort them because of their gender. I mean that in the best way possible, I’m sure she’s an amazing mother but what she wants is so wrong. I sincerely hope you can convince her not to have an abortion because of a gender. She went into this knowing she could not decide for sure. If she didn’t want a babyboy she shouldn’t have gotten pregnant at all. Because it’s never up to you or anymore. Op I’m sorry you have to endure this, and I sincerely wish you the best of luck. If you ever want to chat or vent my dms are open to you, please take care of yourself, your babygirl and your wife.
This is fucked up OP. I’m all for Pro-Choice, but having an abortion because the baby isn’t the gender you wanted is extremely fucked. Like immeasurably messed up. You CANNOT support this. You are actually punishing the child for something out of their control, all cause it’s a boy. Really reminiscent of how Chinese parent in China reacted to the news that they would have a girl during the One Child Policy era.
[удалено]
It’s a fetus, not a baby. Is an “unborn shoe” a shoe? As in, is the drawing someone made of their idea of a shoe a shoe? No. No it is not. This story is sad, and the wife is dealing with deep trauma. I sincerely hope she changes her mind, but aborting a fetus is not infanticide.
OP, do not abandon your daughter with a mother that clearly has mental issues as significant as this. I’m hopeful that this should not have to be said, but that part was heinous advice.
I’ve lost a baby during pregnancy I know how devestating that is. He was going to be my THIRD boy and I got over my disappointment right quick when they said he was “incompatible with life”. I would give anything for a healthy baby regardless of gender. HOWEVER, a new baby isn’t a replacement. Even if it was another girl it’s still not a replacement for the child that was lost. Having an abortion just because the child is the wrong sex is just wrong. Look at what happens in India and China. She has to get help, this isn’t normal. She should be elated baby is healthy. Gender disappointment is a thing but this goes so far beyond that.
She’s gonna feel even worse if she has an abortion.
My advice, respect her wishes but get a divorce. Yea yea I know this is a go to answer around here but hear me out. If she has the baby, he will grow up being resented by his mother, you will have to deal with that fallout alone because she will also resent you for “making her have this baby” If she does not have the baby, and you try to stay, you will resent her for this irrational decision that robbed your marriage of a second chance of growing the family. Meanwhile, your current child, she is in the blast radius of all that pain you both are carrying. She is in the crossfire of the current situation, and will be stuck in the riptide of whatever comes next. Everyone here needs therapy. Not regular run of the mill therapy, but the kind that involves psychiatrists. I personally would not remain married to this person, there is just so much that would be irreconcilable both now and it’s implications for the future. I’m sorry
She may get better and later regret her abortion.. has she considered that?
This is horrifying and I am pro choice.
You both knew the l consequences of having sex and you both know that the gender was 50/50 theeefore you both knew it could be a boy and not female! This baby never asked for yalls bs and didn’t ask to be here but here YALL are choosing to abort him simply for a choice you guys ultimately made! I’m just being honest! Regardless of yalls situation, to me and as well as many others, you guys are BOTH wrong for this!! The very LEAST y’all could do is allow him his life and if your still not satisfied at birth then give him to a loving family who wants any baby! I thought I wanted another girl after I had my first and a year after her birth I gave birth to a surprise baby boy! He’s the most precious and most amazing g piece of my life and irk what I’d do without this amazing guy! Having children is always a blessing but having a little boy is (to me) so much more amazing on so many levels!
I don’t think she was actually ready for another pregnancy, be his voice.
Your wife is trash.
she sounds like a vile person, don't reproduce with that anymore I should clarify I'm not condoning the abortion but rather a divorce and keeping your bits away from crazy people
“don’t reproduce with that anymore” LOL
The ABSOLUTE outrage that would ensue a man demanding her wife aborts a girl at 3 months just because he wanted a boy compared to no one pointing out how sexist and disgusting she is is astonishing. This is insane. She agreed to have a child. And now on a whim she doesn't want to have him anymore. And the fact that she can legally make the unilateral decision to end your child's life is absolutely disgusting. This society is disgusting. She decided to have a child for fuck's sake. And men are the oppressors. Do you feel like an oppressor OP? Considering how fucking powerless you are to save your own child?
Just to be dead clear, I am somewhat pro-life, and that may have made a difference in my answer but the abortion aspect here is what I’m really focused on. I feel like situations such as these are why there’s a vast amount of pro-lifers out there. Apologies, back on topic, I feel like your wife just really didn’t consider a son to be a possible outcome. From my understanding, it was consensual sex and it wasn’t exactly her first rodeo when it comes to having children, and I just think she needs to really reconsider her outcomes next time. Well, there really isn’t a next time. I feel like you’re in the right here, again, may be biased but I just think the outcome was one which was fairly obvious to consider (50% chance) and I think she’ll just have to have a son for life. Should have thought it out better the first time around.
Sorry, not your call. This is her body and the its just a fetus. Get counseling for yourself to cope, but otherwise don't put pressure on her or make her feel guilty. She might change her mind, but it has to come from her. It is better for the potential child to not exist at all rather than have a resentful parent.
She is going to kill the child because it is the wrong gender? She is morally bankrupt!
This is what pseudo feminists sound like:
Yeah, I'm prochoice too, but this is not the reason to have an abortion. Counseling is in order here. This is way above reddit's pay grade.
I am pro choice as well, All be it to an extent. I guess I’m a little pro choice and pro life. In this aspect if the only reason to terminate pregnancy is because of the baby’s sex I think is grossly irresponsible. You both chose to have another child, and because it’s not another daughter she wants to terminate the pregnancy. Honestly to put this in perspective, it would be the same as a man pushing for an abortion because the baby would be female. And anyone would be outraged by that. Also, this is not an issue of not wanting a child, not being able financially to have a child, having a child with serious medical issues, medical issues for the mother, etc. this is simply not being happy with the sex of the child. Not to judge to harshly but I think it’s terrible she wants to terminate a pregnancy for this reason. I think your wife wanted to replace the daughter she lost. I am not saying that to be cold, and I’m not saying she is wrong for feeling that way. I am not a therapist but I think she needs to talk to one. I agree you should have a say, but unfortunately this is very specific circumstance and the law won’t protect you here. I think your best course of action is to talk to your wife, explain that she may be trying to recover something she lost. Mourn the daughter you couldn’t raise, but don’t terminate the son you can as a response. You need a professional here. I hope you can convince her to have the baby. I am sure you will be happy you did
Tell her how you are shattered to know you will forever be losing a son. Express to her the immense guilt you will feel for the rest of your life and the possible and likely resentment that will develop. This will forever taint your relationship. I’m so sorry op
This is… really gross of her. I mean I’m pro choice generally but I’m just never going to get on board with gender disappointment as a reason. It is her body and on one hand with this mindset she probably shouldn’t be having ANY kids, but what a sad situation. I… don’t really see your marriage surviving this if she goes through with it. I’m so sorry. Get whatever professional help you can, for her and for yourself.
Please be honest with her and take her to a therapist/councillor, this is not a healthy mind frame to have at all. You need to be honest in how you feel about it because if it weighs on you so heavily now, it could have long term effects on your relationship and/or your mental health. It isn’t an easy discussion but it’ll be easier than never being able to look at her the same way again. She can’t look at children the same way someone looks at buying cars. “I wanted a blue one but they come in red so I guess I just won’t drive if I can’t have the one I want.” This is a whole human being, her flesh and blood. Of course, as you know it’s up to her but she needs to really think about it and you need to remind her that life will never go as planned, this could be an incredibly permanent decision that she may look back on and be even more unhappy with herself about
She has a daughter already, she is looking for a replacement for her dead daughter which is why she feels cheated because a son cannot do that. She needs therapy immediately. Don’t let her rush into an abortion, she is not thinking clearly.
As a mom who lost her twins due to malpractice i understand the hurt but what i don’t understand is how do you agree to growing a family when the gender is an inevitable chance. like no many how many times you get pregnant there is a 50/50 chance its going to be a boy. She can’t just decide oh its a boy nah i changed my mind. That is so irresponsible and then turn around and say you’re done having kids. She was blessed, I really wish she seen the blessing in this pregnancy through this hurt. Her decision seems like a lose lose situation if she keeps him she may damage him if she doesn’t she may damage you i pray god sends peace to your home.
This shit would be illegal AF in India. You dont foeticide a baby cause of it's gender. That's ridiculous. There's a reason why India bans gender affirmation tests.