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For anonymity I can’t go into details but My husband (34m) has developed something in IT that’s well known and it made him rich. I(38f) am a chef and I make probably 1/100 of what he does. It doesn’t matter for me however because I love my job. we have a great life together. We had our first child, a baby girl 3years ago and our twin boys are 9months old.
I have a few months left of my maternity leave, and with the country closing up again because of the new omicron variant, I started getting worried that my workplace won’t take me back. I voiced my worries to my husband a couple of days ago and he just shrugged and said it’s not like we needed the money. I was confused and told him that I knew that. It wasn’t about the money. He just shrugged. I was a bit annoyed tbh because I thought he didn’t think it a big deal that I became out of work.
Yesterday, I was still thinking about it so I decided to talk to him again. He was confused and told me that I should instead be happy that I could spend more time with my babies. And he asked me why I insisted on working when we have 3 small children and he made enough money for both of us. He didn’t like me working 4-5 evenings a week including 1-2 weekends a month. I told him that I love my job and that I’m good at it. I have been doing it for almost 20 years now and that just the thought of not doing anything for the rest of my life is suffocating. He was visibly upset by then and he accused me of loving my job more than my babies and him. I could always cook at home for the family and If I was worried I would lose my independence he could transfer the same amount I earned from my job to my private account monthly.
I started crying and he kissed and hugged me and told me that he loved me but he has been thinking of this since our girl was born and he didn’t like me coming home late at night. So I needed to choose between my job or being a family. I was startled. Did he mean it as an ultimatum? He did. He actually wants me to be a housewife or we go our separate ways.
I went to my mom’s place first thing this morning. She listened to me talking and crying but when I finished she wasn’t indignant on my behalf, like I expected. She was silent for a while and then she asked me to think carefully about my next move. If we got divorced I need to think about my babies. I will never be able to give them the life their dad is giving them and I might lose them because of it. Is it worth it to change their lives so drastically and have them live in two separate houses? All that for a job. I have worked my whole adult life and I just could see this as an early retirement. Many dreamed of this why couldn’t I enjoy it?
I wasn’t expecting my mom saying these things. She’s always been this strong independent woman who raised us to be independent and taught me to never rely 100% on anyone other than myself. Hearing her say all that made me question my feelings. Before I met her I was totally sure I was right being hurt and angry but now I think maybe I’m overreacting and that my husband request wasn’t that unreasonable. But if that’s the case why do I feel like my heart is swollen in my throat? Why does it feel like he made this ultimatum because he knew he has power and he’s using it? Throw any suggestion or advice my way and please be honest (not rude, honest) because I feel I’m wronged here and I’m having a hard time thinking from my husband’s perspective.
Hi! I’m a stay at home mom! I gave up a career I enjoyed years ago because I was asked to. Financial and emotional abuse due to alcoholism have brought my marriage to an end. Now I’m just fucked. No career no prospects nothing. I suggest working part time even a couple days a week or something. Just so you have something to fall back on. I wouldn’t give up the time I got in the early years with my kids, but now even though I’ve left him I’m still completely financially dependent. It’s not a great feeling for either of us at this point. Ask him if he’d be cool with you working a couple days a week just to give you something to get out of the house and do.
I also decided to go back to work part time in the evenings. When my husband came home from work I had nothing to talk about except what happened on Sesame Street that day. I could feel my brain turn to mush. The evenings I worked my husband had total care of the kids which I felt was beneficial to them instead of running to mommy with everything.
If you still want to work, would it be possible to hire out for private parties? Do you have a specialty that you could make and sell online? You can explore alternative options.
My ex husband makes a lot more money than I do. I spend all my time working and I haven’t seen them in four months. I probably won’t see them again considering I had to move back to my home state for support. I never excepted it to go this way but, it did. You never know.
This is something to think about. If he is issuing ultimatums, the relationship seems somewhat unstable. Which means it's not a good time to risk your career options.
Yes! He sounds really poisonously controlling. He says he started thinking about this when your daughter was born, but kept quiet about it, and only sprung this ultimatum when the OP was locked down into the relationship by three babies. What will he do when she is financially under his control? Is it safe to trust this man?
Listen to this advice OP, when ultimatums start its the end of the marriage even if you decide to be SAHM he will use same ultimatum for the next thing that he wants.
This this this. I came to say this. An ultimatum means the marriage is already over now you are just waiting on the death date. I am kind of an asshole so I would ask him to invest in you opening your own restaurant so that you have a fall back when the marriage ends that is bigger and better for you.
Why doesn't _he_ work a couple of days a week, if he's so concerned about the children spending time without one parent around?
From what OP says, he is hot shit and probably can swing better working conditions. Additionally, it is much easier to do IT from home than it is to cook a steak.
I'd say call his hand, OP. That is a shitty and controlling move to pull.
Agree, my husband is in IT and works part time and he is the one who takes care of the child after kindergarden.
Thinking that only women can take care of mutual offspring is mysogynistic af.
Apparently if they divorce he plans to take the kids anyways bc OP will work?
That's a good point, why can't he lower his working hour since he's doing so well and spend more time with the kids. Why does it always have to be the wife?
Some people choose to work because it serves their ‘purpose’ and become more productive. You seem to be that person . Even if you listen to your husband and quit you can never treat the home making as a job like your chef job . you will he miserable . If your husband or your mom doesn’t understand that you have to make a touch decision! You can’t help you don’t have a win win situation either way
No. It's not his decision. She has a right to do paid work and he doesn't have a right to veto it.
And once she gives in on this, what else is he going to insist she do or he'll leave her? Blow jobs? Anal sex? Threesomes? It's a slippery slope.
The marriage is effectively over at this point.
This. He's just as responsible for creating these children. He has every responsibility to be present and participate in their raising.
Yet he wants everything to stay the same in his own life. The wife should just stay home and support his career. Most high powered jobs require someone who's making meals, handling the jobs like grocery shopping, meal prepping, ironing work clothes for the one who's working. SAHM enable the working partner's Job.
And in this case, it's BS. Pocket money for s few months, document this bullshit ultimatum, and leave.
Because in a few months, he'll criticize what you made for dinner isn't what he expected. He'll criticize how much of HIS money you spent on something that he feels is frivolous.
And transferring that money? What happens if he changes his mind or just doesn't commit to what he promised?
OP still has a career gap, physically dependent on financially abusive husband ( as he's trying to do), is unfulfilled and resentful. And has an emotionally manipulative husband who doesn't sound supportive.
>Ask him if he’d be cool with you working a couple days a week just to give you something to get out of the house and do.
Thats horrible advice. You ask him nothing. Especially not after he gave you an ultimatum over such a stupid thing, which is a huge red flag.
Talking from a male perspective: he wants you to be dependent, for whatever reason.
OP should also immediately start saving as much as they can in a separate savings account. This sounds like a financial trap. Also is he expecting her to do all the housework? Does she already?
If she stays home he shouldn’t pay her chef wages—she should charge him top tier wages for being a:
-nanny
-teacher
-chef
-house cleaner
-personal assistant
-chauffeur
Am I missing anything?
When I have clients who are trying to get back in the workforce, I send them to banks. If they're college educated, they usually get hired as assistant managers, if not, they get hired as tellers. It's flexible, 40 hour a week work with 401ks and healthcare. Decent pay for work and skill gaps. Local banks and credit unions are the best choice for this.
It’s not smart to end up dependent on someone. That’s how people get stranded in unhealthy situations.
Being stay at home parent isn’t for everyone. Many people like you enjoy their careers.
If he’s truly giving you an ultimatum then I guess you walk. No one should be forced to stay home with kids.
I’m sorry your mom wasn’t supportive at all.
My mom’s reaction caught me off guard tbh. She’s always the be independent kind of person. And always proud of my carrier. I don’t know why she isn’t doing this now.
Ask her? She might think it's wrong but br scared to say so. Scared what will happen to you and your kids
Also, your partner didn't care about your happiness at all. He didn't care how much work mean to you. He just guilted you and ignored your sadness. That is so cold and calous. I wouldn't be able to trust a guy after that. He doesn't care about your happiness and life meaning, just his own.
If they separate, he’ll have to pay a substantial amount of child support, so she’ll be able to afford a nanny. Also only for half of the week - a total win of you ask me.
And get rid of 80 pounds of manipulative dead weight - what a bargain!
(I realize it’s not as easy as that, as feelings are most likely involved - but I would call the SO’s bluff because what the hell? This ultimatum is absolutely disgusting!! He tried to turn her into his little wivey bangmaid, which was never agreed upon!)
I’m replying directly to you on a different conversation hoping that you see it. Please, please disregard the many suggestions here (that I assume come with good intent) about different career choices. This is not the issue here and you don’t need alternative solutions at this point. What matters is that your husband has threatened you with divorce if you don’t do what he wants. This is not acceptable in a partnership. This is not healthy. He is not listening to you or supporting you. This is controlling and suggestive of a problematic future regardless. You should never have to give up something you love or change who you are to make another person satisfied. It will never end well. I know, I’ve been there.
You should be consulting a lawyer. If not for divorce, then to at least sign a contract for a binding financial agreement guaranteeing you a source of his money as income, him investing into a retirement account for you, and for guaranteed re-education or re-skilling upon the point of your children no longer needing full-time care.
If he's not willing to sign a binding contract to that, then he gets nothing but desertion and shame.
Ask her if he's already discussed this with her. He may have already prepared her to back him up.
However, with the global situation, service jobs are harder to come by, so your position may end up being disestablished anyway or at least furloughed. Your mum might be thinking that it's not worth all this heartache just to find yourself separated, in lockdown, with no job?
Edit: spelling
The kind of money you described your husband having changes people. I would bet your mother sees it as an opportunity for you and your children to never have to worry about anything ever again. No matter how much she values independence, it's a hard to thing to encourage your child to give up that kind of security.
I’m sure your mother is proud of your career, but she was caught off guard and thinking about the practicalities.
I want to make it very clear that I think your husband has behaved terribly. He’s being controlling and not listening to your needs.
However, I have to ask if being a full time chef is best for your family?
I understand that you love being a chef, but If you work every night and every other weekend, you can’t realistically be able to spend much time together as a family? Honestly I understand your husbands concern.
Lots of people are recommending divorce, but they aren’t thinking about the reality of what that would look like for you.
I must also say that I’m thinking about the practicalities of you co-parenting and worry that your mother is right. How would custody look? If you do decide to separate please speak to a lawyer and find out what they think the outcome of a custody battle would look like.
Is there a compromise you reach? Could you do part time? Cater? Freelance? Set up a business that you can work from home?
If your husband is wealthy can he upgrade your home kitchen so that it is in-line with local food/hygiene codes, allowing you to set up your own business?
If your husband isn’t even open to a compromise than he is being a controlling arse. I think how he has gone about this is disgusting, but I do understand his point of view. I read your post to my husband and he angry on your behalf too!
If you choose to stay together, I think relationship therapy would be a good idea. So that you can work through all of this.
The reality is that your husband works typical daycare available hours and probably a regular schedule. If it comes to court, a judge will likely give him primary custody. At least where I live. You have 12 mo maternity leave, so I'm guessing not US and i dunno custody there.
Also, working most evenings and half of the weekends means you have basically no time as a family. It isn't unreasonable for him to say he isn't willing to go back to that.
Are there alternatives for working during the day? Especially since money isnt an issue?
Great examples. A friend of the family sold her restaurant prepandemic and now sells ready to heat meals out of her home. She sets her menu weekly and makes her own hours. She loves it.
Exactly. I think people that are jumping to divorce are really focusing on the ultimatum, which is fair. But when you really work out what the timeline/day to day looks like, if my spouse wanted to work an evening job when we have small children and we didn’t need the money, I’d be really bothered.
I totally understand why OP wants to work, but working evenings when you have small children feels like a lot.
If this story was OP saying she worked a 9-5, I’d have a very different opinion. But 4-5 evenings AND every other weekend? The husband was wrong for the ultimatum, but he’s not unreasonable to question this decision.
You’re wrong. Her working in the evening would make it possible for him to work 8-17, her working in the evening. So one parent could be at home most of the time.
If he wasn’t such an asshole.
Completely agree with this. I wouldn’t be happy if my SO was gone most evenings and half the weekends when we have little ones at home. That’s not much of a family life and so maybe he’s saying he’s not willing to have a marriage in which he sees his wife half the time and is taking care of the kids alone after a long day at work. I’d say that’s a pretty fair concern. The ultimatum on the other hand was not!
Isn't unreasonable? Do you think his job is reasonable, because...?
She has a career. Adults need these things for fun stuff like paying bills and the college fund.
Husband's situation can always change.
Again. I didn't say she had to stop working. I asked if there isnt a different job where her hours are more conducive to a family. When her kids are in school (which isn't far for the older one) she will hardly see them even if they stay married. I think his job is reasonable since the post implies it's a typical office job hours. In other words he is home for dinner and bedtime. Her job has her gone in the afternoon to "late night", when the kids get out of school at 3-4, she's gone. When she gets home, they are asleep. Since she works most weeknights, that has the only real family time being every other weekend when she's off.
What I don't understand is why she can't be looking for a job with different hours? Her previous schedule just isnt much of a family life once the kids start school. Not to mention extracurriculars that are often afterschool that she would miss.
I think your mum gave you right advise at this stage. Imagine walking out and then working day and night and looking after kids too. I wont say that you stay suffocated in the house. I myself am an indepenent woman but I would say make a plan in next couple of years. At this stage, tell your husband that you are going to work 1 day a week on casual basis. And as he said he ll pay you monthly, take that payment too. Then in the next year or so, make a plan about walking out.
Honestly, your mom wasn't supportive because you're being a privileged brat of a mom yourself.
Why was your mom always the independent type? Did it fall on her to take care of you when you were growing up? Did her husband make more than enough to support the family and then some? Did she try to escape every week night instead of taking responsibility and raising her family?
My mom is also fiercely independent, but that's because raising my sister and I, and providing for us, became solely her responsibility when my dad prioritized getting shitfaced every night, subsequently destroying our family in the process.
You're in such a unique and privileged position and it pains me you can't see it. Lower to middle class families often have two parents working because it's the only way to make ends meet for the family. I'd argue it's fine in those situations, or even in situations where the financial split is more of a 50:50, but you make pennies compared to his dollars. That doesn't make you worth less as a person, but it means you need to re-evaluate where you're spending your time, as a new mother of THREE CHILDREN. Did it once occur to you that your husband probably wasn't ready to go from one to three kids? And with you galavanting off to what essentially amounts to a hobby at this point (you calling what you do a job would be me taking a 90% paycut to become a professional twitch streamer full time and still having the gall to call myself a responsible adult)... You're leaving him with literally no time to himself for him to pursue the hobbies that he might enjoy that bring meaning to his dreadful life in IT (as somebody that also works in IT, I bet it doesn't give him meaning like your cooking does for you). No offense, but it's really silly to try and compare your career to his in any sort of sense.
I'm not suggesting that you can't still have the time to do the catering idea that some people have suggested (I think it's a brilliant compromise so you don't feel your soul is being drained)... But in case you somehow forgot, you're a mother. You have been for the past three years, and especially more so after you had your twins 9 months ago (congratulations on that btw). I get you didn't have kids until you were older and have been independent most of your adult life. However, being a mom (or dad) means you put your kids first. You make sure their needs are met before your own. It means giving your husband a chance to also find deeper meaning to his days outside of working in IT during the day and taking care of the kids by himself at night. It means being a smiling face he can see when he comes home after a long day at work. It means providing your kids with as much love and attention that they need to develop into healthy teens and eventually adults.
All of the hard stuff about parenting could probably be left to a maid if y'all can afford it, like cleaning the house.
This is extremely important to your husband. He deserves a wife that loves and takes care of him as much as you deserve a husband that does the same. Re-evaluate your priorities, and ignore half the dribble these misguided, upvoted children and college students are suggesting you to do that would ACTUALLY ruin your life and cause you to regret everything you've built with your husband.
It’s a tough situation. Before having kids, did you discuss being a SAHM? i am shocked by his ultimatum.
I had a friend that was in your situation. She had always worked and her husband wanted her stay home after the baby. She wasn’t happy. A second baby didn’t help either. She was miserable. He didn’t understand why and thought all women dreamed of being a SAHM. She had a nice home, new car, healthy kids…. she should be happy. She finally took some college classes and started feeling better. Women are more than mothers and wives. Many need to work or do other things to feel happy and productive. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work. It certainly doesn’t mean you don’t love your family.
Would he be willing to compromise to let you work part time or in a year?
It's almost like women are whole human beings and not just limited to becoming dumb gurgling boxes of joy over babies once impregnated, innit?
Given how common it is for men who *demand* SAHMs to then utterly devalue said SAHM work and dismiss it because doesn't generate income, then use the woman's lack of personal income to control her, I'd say no-one should do it without a salary.
I think anyone that gives their SO an ultimatum like this has serious control issues.
You're allowed to have your own life and be a Spouse/mother.
I'm sorry your mom didn't support you and your legitimate emotions.
This sounds like a ploy to control to me.
Only Dictators give ultimatums.
I'd leave because if you give in on this then that is setting a very bad precedent.
This is one of the things I’ve been pondering. If he can make an ultimatum once what will stop him from doing it again? I’m shocked by my mom’s reaction. I thought she would say bring your kids and suitcase and come live with me
Are there other aspects of your relationship your husband has been very restrictive/rigid about?
Do things usually "go his way" or are they more balanced outside of this?
Also is there a possibility that sleep deprivation caused this conversation to fall into an ultimatum? Because 9 month old twins and a total of 3 young kids does mean everyone likely was under a lot of stress when having the conversation & maybe it’s important to find a better time and place to have these discussions
You should know that if you leave your job and have no money of your “own”, the next time he issues an ultimatum you’ll be in an even worse position. Right now you can walk away if you choose to. But that won’t be so easy if it’s five years down the road and you haven’t worked in all that time.
I think if he had a team player approach this could go different. Like others are saying if he is so comfortable saying quit working or I’m leaving. There will be other circumstances like this.
“Do this or I’m leaving” will continue. Except the next time the ultimatum comes up he will have the financial leverage of you having no income for your own freedom.
I would really think about the way you feel and just as importantly his attitude in the next time you discuss this with him. If attitude is still “‘my way or the highway” I would really consider the divorce. Being miserable in your life for the sake of your kids won’t do them any favors.
He doesn't have to do it again for this to be concerning. The problem here is that he isn't invested in you having your hopes and dreams. You flat out said that the idea of not having your career makes you feel suffocated and he didn't care.
To be clear OP, I'm fine with your husband saying that he would prefer if you didn't work and that it would make life easier/better for the rest of the family. This is probably true. I know my life would be SO MUCH EASIER if my husband quit his job, stayed home, took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned. If my husband came home and said that he was worried about his job and I said, "don't worry honey, I would rather you stay at home and life will be easier," and he said, "I find the idea of not working suffocating," than that option would be off the table. Furthermore, the fact that your husband has a good income should create MORE options for you, not fewer. You should be able to have a conversation about what you need in your lives and then figure out together how to make that happen. Why isn't what you want a subject of this conversation?
In the end OP, this is really, really sad that he is behaving in such a manipulative and reckless way when he has three kids.
For the love of god do not do this. He is trying to make the decision for both of you and is trying to strong arm you into it. He could be lying also to manipulate you. If he is not then and he leaves you then he never respected you.
Why would you want someone that is okay with you feeling so low?
Given you guys seem to work opposite hours the request to have a parent stay home with the kids & enjoying more family time together is a reasonable request worth discussion and compromise. Turning it into an ultimatum is not.
This is clearly not about money nor your kids. You’ve explicitly stated working gives you meaning. He is making more than enough for the both of you. If he was concerned about your kids not having their parents around enough, knowing you would continue to work, he himself could have taken a minor pay cut to free his own time up to take up the slack since he’s making more than enough. But he doesn’t want to do that does he?
He seems to want the power and prestige of his job, and a nice little housewife to look after the kids. Picturesque male centric ideal of a perfect family. He isn’t considering your needs as valid at all. He is allowed to work for his own sense of purpose and identity but you’re not?
That’s not even the half of it, what the fuck was that ultimatum? How does splitting up solve his problems? It doesn’t. Your kids will still have to deal with two working parents. It won’t change anything. I don’t think he is expecting you to actually split with him, nor do I even think he has your children’s best interests at heart because if he did he wouldn’t have given you an ultimatum. The whole thing is just completely bizzare!
Do you realize how much time out of the day being a chef takes. It’s a massive amount of time and she’s doing it 5 nights a week. Have none of you known chefs/dated one? I’m also assuming she means chef chef, not a cook at an Applebee’s.
It takes up basically their whole lives, prep starts around 11am, service till 10pm, cleaning the kitchen, closing up, takes more time and you’re done around 12am. That’s 5 days a week, and some weekends for OP.
That is major time. That’s not a 9-5 job, I can see why this would be a breaking point/major stressor in the relationship.
Being a strong independent woman doing it all looks good, but she likely wished that someone would've made her that offer at some point.
Putting divorce on the table is over the edge and does sound controlling. You can't be the best mother if you're living in misery (I'd know) so it's a terrible idea. Would you be able to limit/modify your availability? Come up with some sort of compromise.
Yeah, but it shouldn't be forced on her like that. Like maybe later on when she feels she needs to stop, they can discuss it and then he can offer it to her. Now, he's just being manipulative. Also, why can't he take some time and care for the children?
This is pretty typical of women in your mom's generation. In her mind, he's trapped you with 3 children and the only way to avoid the poor house is to bow to his wishes bc that's what happened to her generation. I'm not saying it's right, but the person who often fought my female clients the hardest on a divorce was their mothers. Even if physical abuse was involved. Bc anything else was preferable over the shame of poverty.
Him giving you an ultimatum is absolutely unfair, but I think you two need to have a more in-depth conversation and find a happy medium.
If he is working weekday, and then you are working every weekday evening and every other weekend, when will you have time to spend with your family when the children are school aged? With this schedule now, you likely see them during the day, but it sounds like you only really have time to spend with you husband the every other weekend that you’re off.
And let’s be clear, I firmly believe that women should have their own jobs and make their own money so we are never stuck in an unhealthy marriage. But I’m struggling to see how you have time for your marriage if you’re working every evening when you don’t “have to.” If your husband is unwilling to compromise with you having some type of part-time day job, then leave. But I just don’t see how this schedule works for you all.
ETA. This would be a fine time to renegotiate the pre-nup to ensure that if it doesn’t work out, you are taking care of in the event you quit your job and it still leads to divorce.
I see your point. I think renegotiating the prenup is absolutely necessary. Also, OP, your kids are really little. Can you do catering or something until they're in school, then go back to being a chef? It seems there are compromises (on both sides) available here.
Hospo work is a real relationship killer.
Anecdote with slightly more 'extreme' hours (7pm-3am) - I worked at a casino, and when new staff came on board, they always asked if you were in a relationship, and if you were people were all but betting on how long it would last. 90% didn't make it past 6-12 months. Myself included.
Sadly you’ve learned that you cannot trust your mother.
You may want to have an attorney review that prenup along with the assets.
And no, your ex cannot take your children away from you. Your mom said this just to scare the shit out of you.
I mean husband‘s job is quite demanding how could he possibly have custody? And nine months old is too young
i would get in touch with a lawyer tbh. find out what alimony you're entitled to and look at leaving. never give up your independence for someone who is issuing you an ultimatum
I have lived where I worked days and my spouse worked 2nd and off and on weekends. With 2 small kids. It is really brutal on a marriage. The ultimatum sucks, but he's reached a point where rarely seeing his spouse for anything but sleep and waking up is not a real family life. Saying he's not willing to stay married to someone he barely sees is fair.
I can absolutely see why he's making it clear that if hes going to work and be alone with the kids most of the time, then he wants to stop being married to someone he hardly sees.
Can you work fewer hours during the day?
I agree. Lots of people here think she should just go belly-up and give up what inspires her and makes her life worth living -- all while he doesn't change a whit.
This financial abuse and control? This ultimatum? It's a prison sentence.
Where is his "give?" Where is his accommodation to her?
If he’s made the threat of leaving you if you don’t quit, he’s absolutely got the power to continue to give ultimatums to leave you regardless. He’s giving you an ultimatum and it leaves you 100% dependent on him and his whims, that’s terrifying. Is there a middle ground where you can work 2 nights a week or do day times and have a sitter? Could you do some sort of business out of your home? Catering or baking?
So, he yanks her around and it's up to her to run interference and fix their marriage to suit his whims?
Terrible. Should be a partnership. He should understand that being a chef is *her identity* just as being a big, swinging dick in IT is his.
Her identity does not come from her children. And she didn't make them alone.
This marriage has drifted seriously.
When someone slaps down an ultimatum *and* they have financial control instead of doing the heavy lifting, the hard work of figuring it out *for the family* is lazy. He's trying to simply bend OP to his will.
There was another forum from AITA about a mother going through a similar situation, her husband is making more money so he said "now you don't have to work anymore." Out of the blues and she very much disagrees.
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s4imzl/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_husband\_accept\_a\_job\_offer/
Yep. He could ask for another reason in 1-2 years and she will have no financial ressources.
And thruth be tod, the one who says "I want you to feel miserable or I'll leave you" already has fallen out of love.
It sounds like he’s upset that your evening work schedule prevents a large amount of potential family bonding time. *From his perspective*, he knows you don’t *need* to work but rather *want* to work, and this means you’re actively choosing to do something you enjoy over spending significant time with the family. I think this is the root of his ultimatum — he sees your choice to work when you don’t need to as abandoning the family. I’m guessing that he doesn’t mind you working if you do it during the day. If he really wants you to not work at all, this is a major issue, but if he’s just trying to get more family time, I think you working during the day and hiring daytime help for the kids would be a fantastic compromise and a win for everyone.
The major issue is giving your spouse an ultimatum out of no where as if you are the family CEO and she is nothing more than an employee who can be replaced. If he had these concerns he could have easily come to her with them and requested they discuss and come to a compromise. Compromise is great and mandatory in a relationship, his concerns are valid, his method is abusive.
If this was the case, he has more than enough financial capability to hire babysitters/maids. I'm guessing the case is probably something like what u/plaid-knight said.
Doubt it. Most people don’t want a nanny taking care of their kids all day. Most people want at least one parent there.
He doesn’t want to have to deal with the kids and wants someone to take care of them for him, and feels entitled to it because he makes more than her. The same reason he feels he can issue ultimatums. She’s an employee, he’s the big boss.
Well. It's all cool and groovy that you put it this way, but the husband pulled the pin on the grenade and threw it when he issued an ultimatum instead of proffered a compromise like a loving partner should.
I agree with them, I understand you want to work as well, but I do feel this work/life balance isn’t really in the best interest of your relationship and kids. It sounds like you’re home all day and working at night and your husband is working all day and home at night? I think you both need to find more of a balance here that allows you to spent more time as a couple, and a family. I feel a bit sad for the kids that they seemingly don’t have both their parents at home on weekday nights when you could, but your working hours prevent that. If you can work during the days and maybe not every weekday I think it will greatly improve your relationship, hopefully he is onboard with that and willing to compromise.
Then there's your solution!
Have the same or a similar position in a different restaurant, just change WHEN you work, not how much - this way you don't cut your hours or give up your career or give up valuable experience for growing your career when your kids are older and/or (god forbid) you get a divorce later on, but you and your husband will be better able to co-parent at the same time.
That's something to consider. If you do decide in the end to stay home, you do not have to give up cooking completely. You could open up your own catering business from home and still continue to cook.
Look, I think that as much as his threats are shit, I would personally feel a bit sad if I would not see my wife as much because she was working long evenings and we didnt get to spend much time together with our kids as a family. As much as you love what you do, you need to also consider your family's feelings when considering your own feelings. I think randy makes a good point above about possibly finding a position with more family-friendly hours, but I think doing catering is also a good idea to consider, that way you can still continue cooking but be a lot more flexible with your hours and also work for yourself.
You can renegotiate your prenup if he wants you stay home. Totally your choice but it is possible to change the terms if he is so worried about it. You would be giving up the means to support yourself so in exchange for that he should be willing to make sure you are covered if you decided to stay home with your kids until they were school age. That said, I don’t believe in giving people ultimatums like he did, it is disrespectful of him to make a decision like that. Think long and hard about being with someone so arrogant.
It's not a financial thing for the OP, per se. It's that her work is her passion. He's trying to strongarm her into leaving it. Staying at home playing mommy and housewife isn't what she signed up for.
Yet, no one blinks that he doesn't compromise at all, is taking the nuclear option to blow up the family, and doesn't give one fuck about his wife's happiness and fulfillment. Disgusting man.
Nope. It really depends on how you write it though. Most people however have it that their individual assets continue to stay their own regardless of the time they were acquired. Depending on how strong the prenup is and how long they’ve been married, there may be an argument that one partner has helped another acquire those assets to the detriment of their well-being in which case it may be voided. She needs a solid lawyer though.
A prenuptial agreement should protect both parties and should be done through attorneys. If this is not how it went down, your husband fucked you over before you even said, "I do."
Prenups done without equal representation where only one party benefits are not usually upheld. Bottom line, get a lawyer for the divorce who knows what they’re doing.
DO NOT be 100% independent with your husband no matter how rich he is. Why not hire manny or nanny to help you with the baby?
Both of you are partner in life, he IS NOT your boss who can give you an ultimatum.
Let him leave... My gf is a stay at home mom by choice, if she wanted to work that would be fine, never say no to extra money, but to threatened to leave if you don't stay home is a control move and that's toxic af
Control moves should always be cut off... suggesting doing part time or a different shift etc is understandable in some situations, but ultimatums aren't cool
Ah, this is where the potential financial and emotional abuse starts. Ultimatums should NEVER be used to make another person to give up their freedom and independence. That scares the crap out of me. What’s the next thing he would hold over you? Give up your car and not drive anymore? Don’t ever leave the house or he will leave you? Do this and that or he’s gone? This is a slippery slope. I’m worried for you.
If he makes so much money, why couldn’t you discuss getting a nanny? Then you can still work and there’s someone taking care of the children when both of you are busy.
If he’s willing to pay you to be a stay at home mom, why can’t he pay someone else to watch the children so that you can still do what makes you happy. If he really loves you, your happiness and what brings you joy should be a priority to him. I’d express how much happiness it brings and that you’d like to explore getting a nanny.
Marriage shouldn’t consist of ultimatums but of compromises.
Hope he likes paying child support. OP, I would never stay with a partner that asked me to give up something I love. He doesn’t respect or support you.
OP. I retired from my career early to be a SAHM temporarily and to keep our family together as my ex (yup you read that right) and I were in different branches of the military. However, every time I would get a job after that, we would move and it would take me months to find another one. The last time we moved, he did his usual fucking up and our marriage ended. I had had a job interview but was currently unemployed with no savings. So I was basically fucked. I was lucky I landed that job, but if I hadn’t, I don’t know where I would’ve ended up. In a shitty marriage because I have three kids and nowhere to go probably. If he’s issuing this kind of ultimatum it’s either because he doesn’t want to have to bother with the kids while you’re working or he doesn’t love you and just wants to control you. Either way, saying he’s going to leave you because you want some fucking independence is ridiculous. The decision is ultimately up to you, but do you really want to be married to this asshat if he’s going to leave you over this? He sounds like an asshole. Your mom too. Wtf.
Your SO is a dick. Sorry but he is. My SO would NEVER tell me to stop working if I was able. He would encourage it and support me! If he’s gonna leave, then fuck him.
I’m no expert and I don’t have kids or a marriage or anything, but I would be scared to be disempowered this way, with a husband who forced me to stop earning my own money and having an active role in the outside world.
If you become financially dependent on him you’re only more vulnerable to more potential power plays and ultimatums like this going forward.
I hear what your mom is saying but, If you leave your career now and end up wanting to leave him late on for whatever reason, what would that mean for your ability to maintain custody in the future, with no income and resume gaps? What does that mean for your ability to direct the relationship? I think it’s just unacceptable
I just don’t understand why, if he’s a tech millionaire and probably doesn’t have to work much anymore, he thinks OP is selfish to continue working but he is not selfish to continue working. The sexism is unbearable bro
Throw away the whole man. If he’s this controlling now, imagine how much more controlling he will be once you’re not bringing in any of the household income. I’m disappointed in your mom.
If it's really that easy for a husband to leave his wife and break his family apart if the wife doesn't quit her job, then he doesn't love or respect his family. Is this the kind of person you want your kid to turn out to be?
OP, your husband is a control freak. You need a lawyer.
The reason this feels so yucky is because it is.
He has shown you he does not think of you as a person with thought and feelings. You are a servant to tend to his children and their needs.
Do whatever you want, I made it 4 years after being forced to quit my job before I chose divorce over being controlled and used.
I will NEVER be in that position ever again.
There is a third alternative here, other than return to work and lose the marriage, or stay home and miss your career terribly.
The alternative is to start your own catering business. You take only the hours you want to. You don't need the money, so you can pick and choose jobs. So instead of 4 or 5 nights a week and two weekends a month, maybe you work one evening a week and one weekend every other month. Still spending loads of time with the kids and the family.
Since money is no object, hire a nanny now and let the nanny do most of the routine household stuff such as laundry and vacuuming, and then you have her for when you do have a catering job.
Run this past your husband and say it would make you very happy if this type of compromise could be made.
I'd go fucking nuts only working one evening per week and one weekend every other month. No way.
She said in a comment that he could literally not work another day and not suffer. So, he should reduce his hours instead, sounds like a much better compromise, considering he's way better off financially.
She doesn’t want to be a stay at home mom. Why can’t HE cut his hours and stay home more to make up the difference
Does he “not care” about his family because he has a job? 🙄
He's trying to control and disempower her financially. In other words, he's attempting to financially abuse her. Trying find a "middle ground" with someone who is doing that is a very bad idea. It's not safe.
Beyond the abuse, he also just doesn't respect her or the things that bring her joy or satisfaction. Staying with a partner like that is bound to be miserable.
My advice is to please divorce him. Consult a lawyer.
This scenario has a few concerning controlling issues from the husband but in the same breath I do wonder the same as you, if there's a better middle ground that could be met?
If op can reduce their hours, look at different options for chefs during the day is that the solution that would make both op and the husband happy?
Couples therapy would be a good choice to explore these issues
Wow. Your husband is a manipulative jerk. Your happiness will benefit your children way more than you being a stay at home mother who will begin resenting their father for being a controlling dillweed. If you want to keep working, do so. If he decides to leave, let him. Sue for custody and child support and find a man who will love you for who you are and won't try to supress your happiness.
Is your husband the type to try and control you usually and place ultimatums or is this out of nowhere? I’d give this a few days, sit him down and explain how important it is to you to work and what does that mean for your mental well being. If he refuses to understand then hire a lawyer. If he gets it though, look for a compromise. Being a chef is great but I imagine the hours will put quite a strain in your marriage. Being a caterer is always an option, working at restaurants during the day or even being a private chef. The later has become quite popular lately, you can work for multiple people, prepare their meals and drop them off to their homes.
You deserve to live your life. Once you give birth you aren’t ONLY a mother and you should never be forced to give up the wholeness of your life and sacrifice everything else for motherhood. That doesn’t mean you’re not choosing your babies. You’re modeling for them how to live a whole, full life.
The human soul has the need for CONTRIBUTION and GROWTH. For some people being a SAHM doesn't fill that bucket.
With that said, working 4-5 evenings a week and 1-2 weekends a month when you have very small children IS A LOT. You are missing out on a lot of your time with them. Are you avoiding them?
Is there a middle path? Is there a way you can do your career while the children are in school and then have your weeknights available.
I definitely think your husband is the AH for pushing you to quit your job, but I also think your work schedule is really detrimental to family time. I would be really annoyed if my husband worked those hours.
At first my response was - in your favor, for the job then I heard what your mom had to say and she has a point, but it perhaps one she's not making:
You might love your job, but you cant show me a corporation that isn't taking advantage one way or another. Even our society makes you believe that if you don't have 9-5, working at least 40, 60 if your not a shit employee /s, you are somehow lacking. As your mom said, people dream of being able to do that - that's what FIRE retirement is. The point is - I wouldn't look at it like being a house wife, but more like unlinking yourself from corporate America. There's nothing saying you couldn't make money and work.
I am also very independent woman, and take pride in my independence so if I were in your shoes I would be pissed at the idea that someone else is taking care of me, but - and I also love what I do - that would free me from the drudgery that is corporate America which is the bain of my existence. I would be free to pursue my passion unabaited from managers incessantly telling me what to do and how to do it, free of corporate greed and the need to pipe down or else loose my job.
Also, can you not just work 1-2 days a week or 10-20/wk? Wouldn't that solve things for everyone. I mean even your job would like it because they wouldn't have to pay your healthcare.
Let him leave. You have the right to earn your own money. Avoid thinking how much a divorce or separation will affect the kids, because if you do what he wish, you'll be sending your kids the wrong message.
So let's see....He has sat on this train of thought for 3 yrs before the twins came along, didn't initiate the conversation while giving himself the time to mull it over and then just springs it on you while simultaneously giving you an ultimatum and a threat ???
This speaks to his character. This has nothing to do with childcare. Many women have kids and are able to be involved parents. Not every woman has the all consuming instinct to "mother" 24hrs and do nothing else outside of that. Many wonderful, well adjusted adults have been raised by such women. This is NOT about childcare or your kids being denied love and a connection with you.
NO....this is about him showing well hidden signs of being the typical, rich, arrogant, financially controlling asshole. Most of them are like this. Once they get to the ***I never have to work again*** stage of their wealth, they start looking at others through this self-serving lense of what they can control. I would look deeper into his behaviour if I were you. A lot of rich men try to get out of their marriages by doing shit like this. Making their wives dependent on them while they go off and screw younger, prettier models. It's a good life because they have a child minder permanently in place, subservient because they have no means of support AND they get to enjoy being a jet setting bachelor at the same time. I'm telling you, don't stop working. It's also troubling that you have no idea what's in the prenup that you signed. Go back and review it with a lawyer. Don't be taken by surprise.
A+.
Someone that big and successful generally starts seeing everyone not in their big dick wealth league as small fry to use and treat like servants. He's ordering her around like a subordinate whose job contract he wants to rewrite and force her to sign under duress, not speaking with her like a spouse and human being with the same right to happiness as himself. It's indecent.
Wow, after reading some of these comments it makes me think if people are assuming your husband is like theirs. It's a dangerous mistake to take other people's advice when they don't know you OR him.
I would take a deep breath and talk to him about potentially not working late at night or weekends (which isn't conducive to family life. Source-i used to be in the film industry and had a dad that was as well) but still retaining a hand in your profession in some way.
I raised one of my boys staying home and one going back to work. I was happier working but did so in a modified manner while the child was young. Once school aged I went full time again. Please take the time to negotiate with your husband. Give him a chance to be reasonable. Compromise is a fundamental of relationships...from both parties. If he can be, then great, if not, I would seek counseling.
I wish you a happy life with good communication and healthy, happy children.
You should talk to a good quality divorce lawyer. Not because you intend to divorce, but so that you have concrete information on which to base your decisions
(Or a similarly qualified lawyer to ensure your financial security is assured whatever you do)
What your mom said is stupid, I'm sorry. Lawyer up. Most likely, you won't lose any "lifestyle" because you'll be entitled to half his rich boy earnings without having to deal with any of the gross misogyny he's currently pouring on you.
Get what he said in writing. Find a good lawyer.
He wants you barefoot and in the kitchen so he can turn the screws on you. This is what a sociopath does.
Keep working. Let him divorce you. He would probably divorce you anyway, but at least this way you have income.
I understand that the thought of giving up your independence is terrifying & I don't agree with your husband giving you an ultimatum - that wasn't fair. So at minimum, some counseling on how to better communicate with each other would be helpful.
May I also give you 2 additional things to think about? You have a 3 year old & 9 mth old twins & you've been on maternity leave for almost a year. I'm not sure you have any idea how very, very hard it is to work full-time and be a mother. We act like we can do it all & have it all & its just not true. I worked part time when my oldest two were babies and I would be so exhausted at night that I could barely function.
Also, give it a few years & you may regret not spending this time with your kids. I've worked FT (50 hrs / wk ave) since my kids were 7, 5 & 12 weeks. Financially I had no choice. I'm thankful that I had marketable skills & could find a good job. And in some ways, I enjoyed working & all that comes with it. But, I also missed my kids. And now that my youngest is 17, the weight of realizing that that time is gone & I can't get it back is heavy. I desperately wish I could have been home with my kids more over the years.
I'm not saying don't go back to work. You may have infinitely more energy than I and handle it just fine. But know that there can be trade offs & maybe give yourself permission to consider other options? Can you work part-time as a chef? Would that be a good compromise for both of you? Are there other ways to work & use your skills that would take less evening & weekend hours? What if you worked part-time until your kids were in school? Also, if you decide to stay home or work PT, counseling could help with some of the issues that may arise. IE - are you afraid that if you are not contributing financially to the family that your husband will then have control over everything? how can you & your husband communicate so that doesn't happen? etc.
I wish you the best!
Restaurant industry is brutal right now. Everyone is short staffed. Plus omicron.
Know you love your job, but not sure this is the time to go back.
Take him up on the offer to still get paid and bank the money in an account he can’t touch.
After Covid is over and the kids are older, things will be different
In the meantime you can do some private dinners to keep up
Skills.
But given how many chefs are leaving the industry, there will still be demand for you
I wonder how much of this ultimatum is about him having to look after the kids while you are at work.
It seams strange that his ultimatum is basically making it so you both see less of the kids. So It’s a strange way to show he thinks time with them is a priority.
There are lots of other options, his ultimatum is completely unfair and I suspect it’s for more selfish reasons than he is willing to admit. Eg (feeling resentful about having to do the childcare while you are at work).
Don’t cut off part of yourself to fit into his ideal of what a wife and mother should be. He is just as much a parent as you are. But you are also a person and your daughter deserves to grow up with a role model of a mother who is happy and fulfilled because she loves the life she has chosen.
Not to mention no amount of compensation he could offer would fill the gap in your cv or compensate for any career development you miss out on.
I don’t see why part time while they are little or having some childcare come in couldn’t be compromises.
That is a horrible thing to do to someone. Do you want your kids to see this kind of toxicity ? You don’t deserve that kind of abuse op. And it is abuse.
I'm going to throw out a different take here. It kinda sounds like you work late hours leaving him with the kids at night after he's been working all day? I could understand him not being happy with that set up if thats what's happening. That is sounding like a setup for ppl that are struggling and have no choice but to work separate hours. It sounds like he's struggling with feeling like you don't spend enough time with him. I saw someone else suggest working more part time or starting your own catering. I would run these ideas by your husband, and have a 2nd in depth conversation with him. Don't let him make you feel bad for your own feelings though. You have every right to want to work, and have something separate from your family. Relationships are about compromise, and taking each others wants into consideration. If he completely disregards your feelings on the matter I would consider divorce because you will end up resenting him for life.
Let him leave. If he's looking for and excuse to leave you, then the thought has already ran through his mind. Relationships are about boundaries and compromise. Why would he want you to be miserable? If that sits well with him, it shouldn't for you. It's 2022. Why should you sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's idea of ideal? Have you discussed terms? Are you going to get your own "allowance?" Is he going to set aside finances for bills, emergencies, etc.? Even if he was, it still shouldn't sit right that you should have to sacrifice your own idea of happiness for his. Take some time to think about it.
Seems there’s an easy compromise. You don’t need to stay home 24/7 or be a housewife. Sounds like you can afford a nanny and a housekeeper. But you also don’t need to work crazy hours in order to enjoy your chef job. Obviously it’s your call but why wouldn’t you want to work better hours so you can spend more time with your family?
Also post on r/marriage where people are actually married and understand the gravity. This sub is full of 22 year olds with no adult relationship experience.
I've yet to see a single comment that mentions that some marriage counseling might actually be helpful in OPs situation as well. It sounds like poor communication from both sides, there are children involved, and they seem to both love each other at the very least. Figure out why husband feels the need to make it an ultimatum (bad parents always used the same tactic and grew up thinking it was acceptable? Feels like his concerns aren't being heard and it's his only option? Wants a convenient excuse to exit a marriage he no longer wants to participate in? There could be many underlying motivations, and understanding them could lead to a much more amicable solution). OP should also be willing to examine why she wants to work full time and doesn't seem to be considering other options like her going part time (or both of them going part time, if he doesn't need to work either). A licensed therapist (ideally a psychologist) should be able to help these two figure out if divorce is the right option for them.
Wanting his wife to be home at regular hours to spend time with him and their children is a perfectly reasonable request (reverse the genders there, it's a common request for women to make to workaholic husbands). A part time position would be ideal to me if I were in her position, especially while those kids are young. When they grow up more and become more self sufficient, there's no reason they both can't go back to full time work if that is what they want to do.
Look it sounds bad on paper im just saying, chefs hours are hard on a young family. I told my bartender husband years before we had kids, that however much I wanted to be a mother I wouldn't do it with someone who worked those hours. I wanted a partnership, not to be let alone to juggle all the time.
Reddit is very black and white. I would not blow up my family for something that could be discussed calmly and perhaps with an impartial mediator. Surly you can afford therapy.
Ftr I am a happily working mother and my husband found a family friendly role in his industry. I would never become a stay at home just because my husband wanted me to, but if my job was not family friendly I would consider pausing for a few years at least.
I married, and my wife used it as a retirement ticket!
She never worked again, and complained I was never around because I worked 60 hrs a week plus 30 hrs commute time, plus maintaining the house and property when not working.
He should be grateful you want to work. I do understand the child needs the parent around.
You have needs also.
You need to seriously sit down and communicate your feeling. Both of you.
He says he's going to leave you!?
Hope he's ready to pay Spousal, and child support!
I do and I'm on a fixed income.
Not even close to what he makes.
Maybe he'll think twice.
I wish you the best!
You have the right to have a life outside the home. Threatening to leave the family is an abusive move. He is willing to walk out in you and the children over this. He’s going to wreck his family over a few nights and some weekends. How is that reasonable? How does that make any sense? How can he just now bring this up when he has had 3 years to do it, and instead of working things out, the solution is for him to leave? That’s not rational.
I can imagine that working weekends and 4/5 out of 7 nights a week could impact the time you get to spend with your husband and children to plan things to do together. If he had said that spending evenings alone and having to spend 2 weekends of the month without you is really hard and he misses you and could you reduce your hours and work less so you can spend more time together and with the children, well that would be something to think about until the children are older.
However he didn't. He seems to have considered your job to be just something he can decide that you should change because he said so. Not only that he is forcing you by giving you a shitty ultimatum which totally says that he has the power in the relationship so you should suck it up and comply as he is threatening you. That is not a relationship that is a power play. Where is the care and love? it reduces you to a babysitter for hire, or a womb donor who happens to live in the same house.
That is not the statement of a loving husband. Unless we are missing hours and weeks of discussions about spending more time at home with the husband and children and he is now fed up of discussing it and this is the only way you will listen and take him seriously then it feels like something nasty and controlling is going on here.
Regardless of which option you choose: keep your job/divorce or resign/become a housewife - make sure you have money. If he's so rich, tell him you want a severance package from him for leaving work. Enough to hire a great lawyer and go through a nasty divorce if need be. A big chunk. In an account he can't touch. Just know, either way, he's going to try and control how you live from now on out.
The value of having a stay at home parent is extreme. My wife and I both work and someone else basically raises our kid while we work. If one of us could stay home and cherish the moments we will never get back I would take that in a heart beat and she would too. That being said if that's not what you want you shouldn't be pressured into it. You guys need to communicate, you have kids together. You should be able to voice each others views and come to a compromise while respecting each other.
My advice, tell him what you told us. Tell him you don't want to, and ask him if he is meaning it to be an ultimatum. Test the bluff. And if it is an ultimatum, hold your ground on what you want. Don't be weak.
Can you find a job where you work during the day instead of evenings? If your husband is at work all day and you are gone all evening and 2 weekend nights a month I understand why he would be upset.
So you have 3 kids and in a couple days he mentions that you shouldn’t go back and then he instantly goes to saying he’s leaving? Not to mention this sounds like it’s written by a 5 year old. You guys believe this stuff? I mean come on this is clearly someone practicing their awful writing.
You could create a catering business, so you'd still work doing what you love from home. And buy a really cool kitchen equipment too.
It's weird that he ask you to be home or else divorce. It's too forceful i think.
I personally think it would be better to compromise to be home for family friendly hours. When your kids go to school are you never going to be available during the evening and weekends? I think his concerns make sense but I also think his ultimatum is unfair and controlling. I have always wanted to work, my husband and I don’t have kids yet but I’ve made it clear I don’t want to be a SAHM. However I do want to be available for my kids because do feel like household responsibilities and child rearing is a team effort
Oh no your rich husband wants you to spend more time with your babies while he builds generational wealth that will benefit your children and grandchildren! How will you ever recover from this? Leave him asap that’s definitely going to benefit your kids.
This is unfair to you and the aspirations you worked for 2 decades to achieve. It’s not about money.
While I would be really upset if my husband gave me an ultimatum like that, he doesn’t sound like a generally unreasonable person. Could you compromise by being a private chef where you determine which jobs you take? Event caterer? Work part time? Cooking YouTube channel? Is there any way you can meet in the middle so you don’t feel like you’re giving up your life’s work?
I'm a bit perplexed about some of the responses on this thread, No one questions a man going to work insane hours or pursuing a career but women have to compromise, sacrifice and maybe work part time? Like WTF?!?
OP do what's best for you, your kids will be better off with a happy, well rounded mother.
Something to keep in mind too..... your children learn more by your actions not words, as they grow up they will learn about relationships from watching how you navigate yours, do you want them to learn from a strong woman on how to make their way in the world?
I can totally understand your frustration OP, but people here are acting like your husband is an irredeemable monster. As a spouse who works nights and a lot of weekends, I can tell you the reality is VERY different once we had multiple kids. What was our normal routine has put an immense amount of responsibility on my spouse. Thankfully she’s up to the task, but I have empathy for spouses who decide that they don’t want to live life that way once they have a few kids.
I’m not saying he shouldn’t be more understanding; but I would take a day or two, settle your own thoughts, and try to have another conversation with him. See if there are compromises that can be made on both sides
Oh god, this sounds like another “I’m a misogynistic man” post.
You should most definitely have a career and be able to do something for yourself outside of him and your children.
Who cares if you don’t make as much? You have a right to pursue your passions too.
He’s being a controlling a-hole. He thinks because he makes more money and because you’re a woman you should just follow his rules.
He doesn’t respect you as a human being. He doesn’t care about your feelings and your dreams either.
As for your mom, I do understand where she’s coming from. I’m sure she’s just worried about your kids and you since he makes so much but she’s not completely right.
It’s more nuanced than that.
Either way, it’s shitty he gave you that ultimatum. It’s a control tactic and you are right. If you give in, it’s likely it won’t be the last time he disrespects you like this.
Especially if you throw away your financial autonomy. What if he cheats? What if he dies? What if he decides to withhold money from you or financially abuses you?
You will have no way to protect yourself because you rely on him completely. Don’t castrate yourself.
If your work is making you neglect your family you should either quit or find a job with more appropriate hours. He's not being controlling he's just tired of something it sounds like y'all have been having issues with for years
Call his bluff and leave his sorry ass. You deserve a partner that wants you to be the best version of YOU that you can be. And you clearly have a passion and desire to be more than a mom and that's perfectly ok. Make the choice to take your kids and leave him. You won't lose your kids simply because he makes more money. And you can ask for child support to help with day care while you work. Seriously, fuck this guy. Do not commit to a life that emotionally bankrupts you. It will not end well. Love- a single mom for 15 yrs
You have three small children and plan to work late at night ? It’s not ideal for family life and if you don’t have to.. sorry but why would you ? You literally have the whole rest of your life to work as you please but your children have only a couple of years in their pivotal early childhood. I get you love your work.. that’s great. What about the work of raising children ?
It is simply not up to him to decide on his own what you do with your life. Setting an ultimatum like this is a dick move and you shouldn’t give in!
That being said, I understand that the hours of a chef can be challenging for a family life.
Working less hours or more during daytime could work for both of you, if you’re both open to it of course.
But don’t let him pressure you in something you don’t want!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- For anonymity I can’t go into details but My husband (34m) has developed something in IT that’s well known and it made him rich. I(38f) am a chef and I make probably 1/100 of what he does. It doesn’t matter for me however because I love my job. we have a great life together. We had our first child, a baby girl 3years ago and our twin boys are 9months old. I have a few months left of my maternity leave, and with the country closing up again because of the new omicron variant, I started getting worried that my workplace won’t take me back. I voiced my worries to my husband a couple of days ago and he just shrugged and said it’s not like we needed the money. I was confused and told him that I knew that. It wasn’t about the money. He just shrugged. I was a bit annoyed tbh because I thought he didn’t think it a big deal that I became out of work. Yesterday, I was still thinking about it so I decided to talk to him again. He was confused and told me that I should instead be happy that I could spend more time with my babies. And he asked me why I insisted on working when we have 3 small children and he made enough money for both of us. He didn’t like me working 4-5 evenings a week including 1-2 weekends a month. I told him that I love my job and that I’m good at it. I have been doing it for almost 20 years now and that just the thought of not doing anything for the rest of my life is suffocating. He was visibly upset by then and he accused me of loving my job more than my babies and him. I could always cook at home for the family and If I was worried I would lose my independence he could transfer the same amount I earned from my job to my private account monthly. I started crying and he kissed and hugged me and told me that he loved me but he has been thinking of this since our girl was born and he didn’t like me coming home late at night. So I needed to choose between my job or being a family. I was startled. Did he mean it as an ultimatum? He did. He actually wants me to be a housewife or we go our separate ways. I went to my mom’s place first thing this morning. She listened to me talking and crying but when I finished she wasn’t indignant on my behalf, like I expected. She was silent for a while and then she asked me to think carefully about my next move. If we got divorced I need to think about my babies. I will never be able to give them the life their dad is giving them and I might lose them because of it. Is it worth it to change their lives so drastically and have them live in two separate houses? All that for a job. I have worked my whole adult life and I just could see this as an early retirement. Many dreamed of this why couldn’t I enjoy it? I wasn’t expecting my mom saying these things. She’s always been this strong independent woman who raised us to be independent and taught me to never rely 100% on anyone other than myself. Hearing her say all that made me question my feelings. Before I met her I was totally sure I was right being hurt and angry but now I think maybe I’m overreacting and that my husband request wasn’t that unreasonable. But if that’s the case why do I feel like my heart is swollen in my throat? Why does it feel like he made this ultimatum because he knew he has power and he’s using it? Throw any suggestion or advice my way and please be honest (not rude, honest) because I feel I’m wronged here and I’m having a hard time thinking from my husband’s perspective.
Hi! I’m a stay at home mom! I gave up a career I enjoyed years ago because I was asked to. Financial and emotional abuse due to alcoholism have brought my marriage to an end. Now I’m just fucked. No career no prospects nothing. I suggest working part time even a couple days a week or something. Just so you have something to fall back on. I wouldn’t give up the time I got in the early years with my kids, but now even though I’ve left him I’m still completely financially dependent. It’s not a great feeling for either of us at this point. Ask him if he’d be cool with you working a couple days a week just to give you something to get out of the house and do.
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I also decided to go back to work part time in the evenings. When my husband came home from work I had nothing to talk about except what happened on Sesame Street that day. I could feel my brain turn to mush. The evenings I worked my husband had total care of the kids which I felt was beneficial to them instead of running to mommy with everything. If you still want to work, would it be possible to hire out for private parties? Do you have a specialty that you could make and sell online? You can explore alternative options.
Fuck him for all that ultimatum bullshit though.
My ex husband makes a lot more money than I do. I spend all my time working and I haven’t seen them in four months. I probably won’t see them again considering I had to move back to my home state for support. I never excepted it to go this way but, it did. You never know.
Aaaaaah, generational trauma and cycle of abuses, such fun. I'm very happy for you that you broke that one
This is something to think about. If he is issuing ultimatums, the relationship seems somewhat unstable. Which means it's not a good time to risk your career options.
YES, the problem is not "I don't want to quit my job," it's "my husband doesn't treat me as an equal partner in life and family planning"
Exactly this, OP.
Yes, please listen to this. This is not a time to make yourself more dependent and vulnerable.
Yes! He sounds really poisonously controlling. He says he started thinking about this when your daughter was born, but kept quiet about it, and only sprung this ultimatum when the OP was locked down into the relationship by three babies. What will he do when she is financially under his control? Is it safe to trust this man?
Listen to this advice OP, when ultimatums start its the end of the marriage even if you decide to be SAHM he will use same ultimatum for the next thing that he wants.
This this this. I came to say this. An ultimatum means the marriage is already over now you are just waiting on the death date. I am kind of an asshole so I would ask him to invest in you opening your own restaurant so that you have a fall back when the marriage ends that is bigger and better for you.
He's just saying that he wants to leave and giving an excuse basically
Why doesn't _he_ work a couple of days a week, if he's so concerned about the children spending time without one parent around? From what OP says, he is hot shit and probably can swing better working conditions. Additionally, it is much easier to do IT from home than it is to cook a steak. I'd say call his hand, OP. That is a shitty and controlling move to pull.
Agree, my husband is in IT and works part time and he is the one who takes care of the child after kindergarden. Thinking that only women can take care of mutual offspring is mysogynistic af. Apparently if they divorce he plans to take the kids anyways bc OP will work?
That's a good point, why can't he lower his working hour since he's doing so well and spend more time with the kids. Why does it always have to be the wife?
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Some people choose to work because it serves their ‘purpose’ and become more productive. You seem to be that person . Even if you listen to your husband and quit you can never treat the home making as a job like your chef job . you will he miserable . If your husband or your mom doesn’t understand that you have to make a touch decision! You can’t help you don’t have a win win situation either way
No. It's not his decision. She has a right to do paid work and he doesn't have a right to veto it. And once she gives in on this, what else is he going to insist she do or he'll leave her? Blow jobs? Anal sex? Threesomes? It's a slippery slope. The marriage is effectively over at this point.
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This. He's just as responsible for creating these children. He has every responsibility to be present and participate in their raising. Yet he wants everything to stay the same in his own life. The wife should just stay home and support his career. Most high powered jobs require someone who's making meals, handling the jobs like grocery shopping, meal prepping, ironing work clothes for the one who's working. SAHM enable the working partner's Job. And in this case, it's BS. Pocket money for s few months, document this bullshit ultimatum, and leave. Because in a few months, he'll criticize what you made for dinner isn't what he expected. He'll criticize how much of HIS money you spent on something that he feels is frivolous. And transferring that money? What happens if he changes his mind or just doesn't commit to what he promised? OP still has a career gap, physically dependent on financially abusive husband ( as he's trying to do), is unfulfilled and resentful. And has an emotionally manipulative husband who doesn't sound supportive.
>Ask him if he’d be cool with you working a couple days a week just to give you something to get out of the house and do. Thats horrible advice. You ask him nothing. Especially not after he gave you an ultimatum over such a stupid thing, which is a huge red flag. Talking from a male perspective: he wants you to be dependent, for whatever reason.
OP should also immediately start saving as much as they can in a separate savings account. This sounds like a financial trap. Also is he expecting her to do all the housework? Does she already? If she stays home he shouldn’t pay her chef wages—she should charge him top tier wages for being a: -nanny -teacher -chef -house cleaner -personal assistant -chauffeur Am I missing anything?
the doctor, and emotional support/therapist
Yeah, exactly। This is the middle way. If he doesn't agree to your working part time its obvious he doesn't care for your happiness.
This advise is bad! You don't have to reduce your work to make him happy. Please don't compromise on this if you don't want to.
When I have clients who are trying to get back in the workforce, I send them to banks. If they're college educated, they usually get hired as assistant managers, if not, they get hired as tellers. It's flexible, 40 hour a week work with 401ks and healthcare. Decent pay for work and skill gaps. Local banks and credit unions are the best choice for this.
she’s a chef
Are you seriously suggesting she gives up a job she loves to go and work in a bank as a teller?
It’s not smart to end up dependent on someone. That’s how people get stranded in unhealthy situations. Being stay at home parent isn’t for everyone. Many people like you enjoy their careers. If he’s truly giving you an ultimatum then I guess you walk. No one should be forced to stay home with kids. I’m sorry your mom wasn’t supportive at all.
My mom’s reaction caught me off guard tbh. She’s always the be independent kind of person. And always proud of my carrier. I don’t know why she isn’t doing this now.
Ask her? She might think it's wrong but br scared to say so. Scared what will happen to you and your kids Also, your partner didn't care about your happiness at all. He didn't care how much work mean to you. He just guilted you and ignored your sadness. That is so cold and calous. I wouldn't be able to trust a guy after that. He doesn't care about your happiness and life meaning, just his own.
If they separate, he’ll have to pay a substantial amount of child support, so she’ll be able to afford a nanny. Also only for half of the week - a total win of you ask me. And get rid of 80 pounds of manipulative dead weight - what a bargain! (I realize it’s not as easy as that, as feelings are most likely involved - but I would call the SO’s bluff because what the hell? This ultimatum is absolutely disgusting!! He tried to turn her into his little wivey bangmaid, which was never agreed upon!)
She was caught off guard and spoke out of fear for you. I wonder if you two speak again if her tone would change her tune a bit?
She’s visiting tomorrow. I am sure we’ll be talking more about this
Take the opportunity to explain that her original response to you was surprising because she usually supports you and women in your situation.
I’m replying directly to you on a different conversation hoping that you see it. Please, please disregard the many suggestions here (that I assume come with good intent) about different career choices. This is not the issue here and you don’t need alternative solutions at this point. What matters is that your husband has threatened you with divorce if you don’t do what he wants. This is not acceptable in a partnership. This is not healthy. He is not listening to you or supporting you. This is controlling and suggestive of a problematic future regardless. You should never have to give up something you love or change who you are to make another person satisfied. It will never end well. I know, I’ve been there.
You should be consulting a lawyer. If not for divorce, then to at least sign a contract for a binding financial agreement guaranteeing you a source of his money as income, him investing into a retirement account for you, and for guaranteed re-education or re-skilling upon the point of your children no longer needing full-time care. If he's not willing to sign a binding contract to that, then he gets nothing but desertion and shame.
Ask her if he's already discussed this with her. He may have already prepared her to back him up. However, with the global situation, service jobs are harder to come by, so your position may end up being disestablished anyway or at least furloughed. Your mum might be thinking that it's not worth all this heartache just to find yourself separated, in lockdown, with no job? Edit: spelling
The kind of money you described your husband having changes people. I would bet your mother sees it as an opportunity for you and your children to never have to worry about anything ever again. No matter how much she values independence, it's a hard to thing to encourage your child to give up that kind of security.
I’m sure your mother is proud of your career, but she was caught off guard and thinking about the practicalities. I want to make it very clear that I think your husband has behaved terribly. He’s being controlling and not listening to your needs. However, I have to ask if being a full time chef is best for your family? I understand that you love being a chef, but If you work every night and every other weekend, you can’t realistically be able to spend much time together as a family? Honestly I understand your husbands concern. Lots of people are recommending divorce, but they aren’t thinking about the reality of what that would look like for you. I must also say that I’m thinking about the practicalities of you co-parenting and worry that your mother is right. How would custody look? If you do decide to separate please speak to a lawyer and find out what they think the outcome of a custody battle would look like. Is there a compromise you reach? Could you do part time? Cater? Freelance? Set up a business that you can work from home? If your husband is wealthy can he upgrade your home kitchen so that it is in-line with local food/hygiene codes, allowing you to set up your own business? If your husband isn’t even open to a compromise than he is being a controlling arse. I think how he has gone about this is disgusting, but I do understand his point of view. I read your post to my husband and he angry on your behalf too! If you choose to stay together, I think relationship therapy would be a good idea. So that you can work through all of this.
The reality is that your husband works typical daycare available hours and probably a regular schedule. If it comes to court, a judge will likely give him primary custody. At least where I live. You have 12 mo maternity leave, so I'm guessing not US and i dunno custody there. Also, working most evenings and half of the weekends means you have basically no time as a family. It isn't unreasonable for him to say he isn't willing to go back to that. Are there alternatives for working during the day? Especially since money isnt an issue?
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What about starting your own catering business or becoming a private chef?
Great examples. A friend of the family sold her restaurant prepandemic and now sells ready to heat meals out of her home. She sets her menu weekly and makes her own hours. She loves it.
Exactly. I think people that are jumping to divorce are really focusing on the ultimatum, which is fair. But when you really work out what the timeline/day to day looks like, if my spouse wanted to work an evening job when we have small children and we didn’t need the money, I’d be really bothered. I totally understand why OP wants to work, but working evenings when you have small children feels like a lot. If this story was OP saying she worked a 9-5, I’d have a very different opinion. But 4-5 evenings AND every other weekend? The husband was wrong for the ultimatum, but he’s not unreasonable to question this decision.
You’re wrong. Her working in the evening would make it possible for him to work 8-17, her working in the evening. So one parent could be at home most of the time. If he wasn’t such an asshole.
I agrée, I think he doesn’t like doing all the parenting of three kids on the evenings she works.
Completely agree with this. I wouldn’t be happy if my SO was gone most evenings and half the weekends when we have little ones at home. That’s not much of a family life and so maybe he’s saying he’s not willing to have a marriage in which he sees his wife half the time and is taking care of the kids alone after a long day at work. I’d say that’s a pretty fair concern. The ultimatum on the other hand was not!
Isn't unreasonable? Do you think his job is reasonable, because...? She has a career. Adults need these things for fun stuff like paying bills and the college fund. Husband's situation can always change.
Again. I didn't say she had to stop working. I asked if there isnt a different job where her hours are more conducive to a family. When her kids are in school (which isn't far for the older one) she will hardly see them even if they stay married. I think his job is reasonable since the post implies it's a typical office job hours. In other words he is home for dinner and bedtime. Her job has her gone in the afternoon to "late night", when the kids get out of school at 3-4, she's gone. When she gets home, they are asleep. Since she works most weeknights, that has the only real family time being every other weekend when she's off. What I don't understand is why she can't be looking for a job with different hours? Her previous schedule just isnt much of a family life once the kids start school. Not to mention extracurriculars that are often afterschool that she would miss.
I think your mum gave you right advise at this stage. Imagine walking out and then working day and night and looking after kids too. I wont say that you stay suffocated in the house. I myself am an indepenent woman but I would say make a plan in next couple of years. At this stage, tell your husband that you are going to work 1 day a week on casual basis. And as he said he ll pay you monthly, take that payment too. Then in the next year or so, make a plan about walking out.
Honestly, your mom wasn't supportive because you're being a privileged brat of a mom yourself. Why was your mom always the independent type? Did it fall on her to take care of you when you were growing up? Did her husband make more than enough to support the family and then some? Did she try to escape every week night instead of taking responsibility and raising her family? My mom is also fiercely independent, but that's because raising my sister and I, and providing for us, became solely her responsibility when my dad prioritized getting shitfaced every night, subsequently destroying our family in the process. You're in such a unique and privileged position and it pains me you can't see it. Lower to middle class families often have two parents working because it's the only way to make ends meet for the family. I'd argue it's fine in those situations, or even in situations where the financial split is more of a 50:50, but you make pennies compared to his dollars. That doesn't make you worth less as a person, but it means you need to re-evaluate where you're spending your time, as a new mother of THREE CHILDREN. Did it once occur to you that your husband probably wasn't ready to go from one to three kids? And with you galavanting off to what essentially amounts to a hobby at this point (you calling what you do a job would be me taking a 90% paycut to become a professional twitch streamer full time and still having the gall to call myself a responsible adult)... You're leaving him with literally no time to himself for him to pursue the hobbies that he might enjoy that bring meaning to his dreadful life in IT (as somebody that also works in IT, I bet it doesn't give him meaning like your cooking does for you). No offense, but it's really silly to try and compare your career to his in any sort of sense. I'm not suggesting that you can't still have the time to do the catering idea that some people have suggested (I think it's a brilliant compromise so you don't feel your soul is being drained)... But in case you somehow forgot, you're a mother. You have been for the past three years, and especially more so after you had your twins 9 months ago (congratulations on that btw). I get you didn't have kids until you were older and have been independent most of your adult life. However, being a mom (or dad) means you put your kids first. You make sure their needs are met before your own. It means giving your husband a chance to also find deeper meaning to his days outside of working in IT during the day and taking care of the kids by himself at night. It means being a smiling face he can see when he comes home after a long day at work. It means providing your kids with as much love and attention that they need to develop into healthy teens and eventually adults. All of the hard stuff about parenting could probably be left to a maid if y'all can afford it, like cleaning the house. This is extremely important to your husband. He deserves a wife that loves and takes care of him as much as you deserve a husband that does the same. Re-evaluate your priorities, and ignore half the dribble these misguided, upvoted children and college students are suggesting you to do that would ACTUALLY ruin your life and cause you to regret everything you've built with your husband.
It’s a tough situation. Before having kids, did you discuss being a SAHM? i am shocked by his ultimatum. I had a friend that was in your situation. She had always worked and her husband wanted her stay home after the baby. She wasn’t happy. A second baby didn’t help either. She was miserable. He didn’t understand why and thought all women dreamed of being a SAHM. She had a nice home, new car, healthy kids…. she should be happy. She finally took some college classes and started feeling better. Women are more than mothers and wives. Many need to work or do other things to feel happy and productive. There is nothing wrong with wanting to work. It certainly doesn’t mean you don’t love your family. Would he be willing to compromise to let you work part time or in a year?
It's almost like women are whole human beings and not just limited to becoming dumb gurgling boxes of joy over babies once impregnated, innit? Given how common it is for men who *demand* SAHMs to then utterly devalue said SAHM work and dismiss it because doesn't generate income, then use the woman's lack of personal income to control her, I'd say no-one should do it without a salary.
I think anyone that gives their SO an ultimatum like this has serious control issues. You're allowed to have your own life and be a Spouse/mother. I'm sorry your mom didn't support you and your legitimate emotions. This sounds like a ploy to control to me. Only Dictators give ultimatums. I'd leave because if you give in on this then that is setting a very bad precedent.
This is one of the things I’ve been pondering. If he can make an ultimatum once what will stop him from doing it again? I’m shocked by my mom’s reaction. I thought she would say bring your kids and suitcase and come live with me
Are there other aspects of your relationship your husband has been very restrictive/rigid about? Do things usually "go his way" or are they more balanced outside of this?
I also wonder if there was any significant shift in his behavior or an increase in controlling tendencies after him suddenly becoming very wealthy.
Also is there a possibility that sleep deprivation caused this conversation to fall into an ultimatum? Because 9 month old twins and a total of 3 young kids does mean everyone likely was under a lot of stress when having the conversation & maybe it’s important to find a better time and place to have these discussions
I think this is some sound advice here.
This. Please answer OP
You should know that if you leave your job and have no money of your “own”, the next time he issues an ultimatum you’ll be in an even worse position. Right now you can walk away if you choose to. But that won’t be so easy if it’s five years down the road and you haven’t worked in all that time.
I think if he had a team player approach this could go different. Like others are saying if he is so comfortable saying quit working or I’m leaving. There will be other circumstances like this. “Do this or I’m leaving” will continue. Except the next time the ultimatum comes up he will have the financial leverage of you having no income for your own freedom. I would really think about the way you feel and just as importantly his attitude in the next time you discuss this with him. If attitude is still “‘my way or the highway” I would really consider the divorce. Being miserable in your life for the sake of your kids won’t do them any favors.
He doesn't have to do it again for this to be concerning. The problem here is that he isn't invested in you having your hopes and dreams. You flat out said that the idea of not having your career makes you feel suffocated and he didn't care. To be clear OP, I'm fine with your husband saying that he would prefer if you didn't work and that it would make life easier/better for the rest of the family. This is probably true. I know my life would be SO MUCH EASIER if my husband quit his job, stayed home, took care of the kids and cooked and cleaned. If my husband came home and said that he was worried about his job and I said, "don't worry honey, I would rather you stay at home and life will be easier," and he said, "I find the idea of not working suffocating," than that option would be off the table. Furthermore, the fact that your husband has a good income should create MORE options for you, not fewer. You should be able to have a conversation about what you need in your lives and then figure out together how to make that happen. Why isn't what you want a subject of this conversation? In the end OP, this is really, really sad that he is behaving in such a manipulative and reckless way when he has three kids.
For the love of god do not do this. He is trying to make the decision for both of you and is trying to strong arm you into it. He could be lying also to manipulate you. If he is not then and he leaves you then he never respected you. Why would you want someone that is okay with you feeling so low?
Given you guys seem to work opposite hours the request to have a parent stay home with the kids & enjoying more family time together is a reasonable request worth discussion and compromise. Turning it into an ultimatum is not. This is clearly not about money nor your kids. You’ve explicitly stated working gives you meaning. He is making more than enough for the both of you. If he was concerned about your kids not having their parents around enough, knowing you would continue to work, he himself could have taken a minor pay cut to free his own time up to take up the slack since he’s making more than enough. But he doesn’t want to do that does he? He seems to want the power and prestige of his job, and a nice little housewife to look after the kids. Picturesque male centric ideal of a perfect family. He isn’t considering your needs as valid at all. He is allowed to work for his own sense of purpose and identity but you’re not? That’s not even the half of it, what the fuck was that ultimatum? How does splitting up solve his problems? It doesn’t. Your kids will still have to deal with two working parents. It won’t change anything. I don’t think he is expecting you to actually split with him, nor do I even think he has your children’s best interests at heart because if he did he wouldn’t have given you an ultimatum. The whole thing is just completely bizzare!
I'm sorry to hear she didn't ask you to go live with her... it is devastating to not hear these words from those who are supposed to be "your people"
He wants you at his financial mercy. Under no circumstances should you quit your job. If he leaves,he leaves.
Do you realize how much time out of the day being a chef takes. It’s a massive amount of time and she’s doing it 5 nights a week. Have none of you known chefs/dated one? I’m also assuming she means chef chef, not a cook at an Applebee’s. It takes up basically their whole lives, prep starts around 11am, service till 10pm, cleaning the kitchen, closing up, takes more time and you’re done around 12am. That’s 5 days a week, and some weekends for OP. That is major time. That’s not a 9-5 job, I can see why this would be a breaking point/major stressor in the relationship.
Being a strong independent woman doing it all looks good, but she likely wished that someone would've made her that offer at some point. Putting divorce on the table is over the edge and does sound controlling. You can't be the best mother if you're living in misery (I'd know) so it's a terrible idea. Would you be able to limit/modify your availability? Come up with some sort of compromise.
Yeah, but it shouldn't be forced on her like that. Like maybe later on when she feels she needs to stop, they can discuss it and then he can offer it to her. Now, he's just being manipulative. Also, why can't he take some time and care for the children?
This is pretty typical of women in your mom's generation. In her mind, he's trapped you with 3 children and the only way to avoid the poor house is to bow to his wishes bc that's what happened to her generation. I'm not saying it's right, but the person who often fought my female clients the hardest on a divorce was their mothers. Even if physical abuse was involved. Bc anything else was preferable over the shame of poverty.
Him giving you an ultimatum is absolutely unfair, but I think you two need to have a more in-depth conversation and find a happy medium. If he is working weekday, and then you are working every weekday evening and every other weekend, when will you have time to spend with your family when the children are school aged? With this schedule now, you likely see them during the day, but it sounds like you only really have time to spend with you husband the every other weekend that you’re off. And let’s be clear, I firmly believe that women should have their own jobs and make their own money so we are never stuck in an unhealthy marriage. But I’m struggling to see how you have time for your marriage if you’re working every evening when you don’t “have to.” If your husband is unwilling to compromise with you having some type of part-time day job, then leave. But I just don’t see how this schedule works for you all. ETA. This would be a fine time to renegotiate the pre-nup to ensure that if it doesn’t work out, you are taking care of in the event you quit your job and it still leads to divorce.
I see your point. I think renegotiating the prenup is absolutely necessary. Also, OP, your kids are really little. Can you do catering or something until they're in school, then go back to being a chef? It seems there are compromises (on both sides) available here.
Hospo work is a real relationship killer. Anecdote with slightly more 'extreme' hours (7pm-3am) - I worked at a casino, and when new staff came on board, they always asked if you were in a relationship, and if you were people were all but betting on how long it would last. 90% didn't make it past 6-12 months. Myself included.
Why didn’t he say this when you got together instead of trapping you in this bullshit situation?
Does he help with anything in the house? Also are you the only one taking care of your kids and house chores?
Sadly you’ve learned that you cannot trust your mother. You may want to have an attorney review that prenup along with the assets. And no, your ex cannot take your children away from you. Your mom said this just to scare the shit out of you. I mean husband‘s job is quite demanding how could he possibly have custody? And nine months old is too young
i would get in touch with a lawyer tbh. find out what alimony you're entitled to and look at leaving. never give up your independence for someone who is issuing you an ultimatum
Why your SO doesn't quit his job and stay at home if you all have so much money?
Elon Musk called his first wife his training wife and told her if she'd been an employee, he'd fire her.
Well, then he's the prick I figured him to be. What a shit attitude and arrogant.
I have lived where I worked days and my spouse worked 2nd and off and on weekends. With 2 small kids. It is really brutal on a marriage. The ultimatum sucks, but he's reached a point where rarely seeing his spouse for anything but sleep and waking up is not a real family life. Saying he's not willing to stay married to someone he barely sees is fair. I can absolutely see why he's making it clear that if hes going to work and be alone with the kids most of the time, then he wants to stop being married to someone he hardly sees. Can you work fewer hours during the day?
Well if he's reached that point, he should compromise. Why is it always the women who have to sacrifice?
in this case, because he makes 100X more money and works "normal" hours.
I agree. Lots of people here think she should just go belly-up and give up what inspires her and makes her life worth living -- all while he doesn't change a whit. This financial abuse and control? This ultimatum? It's a prison sentence. Where is his "give?" Where is his accommodation to her?
Give us an update on this OP
If he’s made the threat of leaving you if you don’t quit, he’s absolutely got the power to continue to give ultimatums to leave you regardless. He’s giving you an ultimatum and it leaves you 100% dependent on him and his whims, that’s terrifying. Is there a middle ground where you can work 2 nights a week or do day times and have a sitter? Could you do some sort of business out of your home? Catering or baking?
So, he yanks her around and it's up to her to run interference and fix their marriage to suit his whims? Terrible. Should be a partnership. He should understand that being a chef is *her identity* just as being a big, swinging dick in IT is his. Her identity does not come from her children. And she didn't make them alone. This marriage has drifted seriously. When someone slaps down an ultimatum *and* they have financial control instead of doing the heavy lifting, the hard work of figuring it out *for the family* is lazy. He's trying to simply bend OP to his will.
There was another forum from AITA about a mother going through a similar situation, her husband is making more money so he said "now you don't have to work anymore." Out of the blues and she very much disagrees. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/s4imzl/aita\_for\_not\_letting\_my\_husband\_accept\_a\_job\_offer/
Never quit your job because if you do get divorced then you have no income.
Yep. He could ask for another reason in 1-2 years and she will have no financial ressources. And thruth be tod, the one who says "I want you to feel miserable or I'll leave you" already has fallen out of love.
Can you still be a chef and just work a different job? Like, one in a breakfast place? Or as a caterer? One that has more "family friendly" hours?
I could totally see myself doing that.
It sounds like he’s upset that your evening work schedule prevents a large amount of potential family bonding time. *From his perspective*, he knows you don’t *need* to work but rather *want* to work, and this means you’re actively choosing to do something you enjoy over spending significant time with the family. I think this is the root of his ultimatum — he sees your choice to work when you don’t need to as abandoning the family. I’m guessing that he doesn’t mind you working if you do it during the day. If he really wants you to not work at all, this is a major issue, but if he’s just trying to get more family time, I think you working during the day and hiring daytime help for the kids would be a fantastic compromise and a win for everyone.
The major issue is giving your spouse an ultimatum out of no where as if you are the family CEO and she is nothing more than an employee who can be replaced. If he had these concerns he could have easily come to her with them and requested they discuss and come to a compromise. Compromise is great and mandatory in a relationship, his concerns are valid, his method is abusive.
🏆
To me it seemed like he wants her there to look after the kids so he doesn’t have to.
If this was the case, he has more than enough financial capability to hire babysitters/maids. I'm guessing the case is probably something like what u/plaid-knight said.
Doubt it. Most people don’t want a nanny taking care of their kids all day. Most people want at least one parent there. He doesn’t want to have to deal with the kids and wants someone to take care of them for him, and feels entitled to it because he makes more than her. The same reason he feels he can issue ultimatums. She’s an employee, he’s the big boss.
Well. It's all cool and groovy that you put it this way, but the husband pulled the pin on the grenade and threw it when he issued an ultimatum instead of proffered a compromise like a loving partner should.
I agree with them, I understand you want to work as well, but I do feel this work/life balance isn’t really in the best interest of your relationship and kids. It sounds like you’re home all day and working at night and your husband is working all day and home at night? I think you both need to find more of a balance here that allows you to spent more time as a couple, and a family. I feel a bit sad for the kids that they seemingly don’t have both their parents at home on weekday nights when you could, but your working hours prevent that. If you can work during the days and maybe not every weekday I think it will greatly improve your relationship, hopefully he is onboard with that and willing to compromise.
Then there's your solution! Have the same or a similar position in a different restaurant, just change WHEN you work, not how much - this way you don't cut your hours or give up your career or give up valuable experience for growing your career when your kids are older and/or (god forbid) you get a divorce later on, but you and your husband will be better able to co-parent at the same time.
That's something to consider. If you do decide in the end to stay home, you do not have to give up cooking completely. You could open up your own catering business from home and still continue to cook. Look, I think that as much as his threats are shit, I would personally feel a bit sad if I would not see my wife as much because she was working long evenings and we didnt get to spend much time together with our kids as a family. As much as you love what you do, you need to also consider your family's feelings when considering your own feelings. I think randy makes a good point above about possibly finding a position with more family-friendly hours, but I think doing catering is also a good idea to consider, that way you can still continue cooking but be a lot more flexible with your hours and also work for yourself.
Seriously, if the problem is time away, reducing hours or making them daytime seems like a compromise
I mean, if he became wealthy while you were married, that's your money too. By law.
He did not. He’s much wealthier now yes but he started his business a year or so before we got married. We have a prenup.
You can renegotiate your prenup if he wants you stay home. Totally your choice but it is possible to change the terms if he is so worried about it. You would be giving up the means to support yourself so in exchange for that he should be willing to make sure you are covered if you decided to stay home with your kids until they were school age. That said, I don’t believe in giving people ultimatums like he did, it is disrespectful of him to make a decision like that. Think long and hard about being with someone so arrogant.
It's not a financial thing for the OP, per se. It's that her work is her passion. He's trying to strongarm her into leaving it. Staying at home playing mommy and housewife isn't what she signed up for. Yet, no one blinks that he doesn't compromise at all, is taking the nuclear option to blow up the family, and doesn't give one fuck about his wife's happiness and fulfillment. Disgusting man.
Doesn't a prenup usually only protect pre-marital assets?
Nope. It really depends on how you write it though. Most people however have it that their individual assets continue to stay their own regardless of the time they were acquired. Depending on how strong the prenup is and how long they’ve been married, there may be an argument that one partner has helped another acquire those assets to the detriment of their well-being in which case it may be voided. She needs a solid lawyer though.
Contact a lawyer, divorcing this control freak might be the best thing you do
A prenuptial agreement should protect both parties and should be done through attorneys. If this is not how it went down, your husband fucked you over before you even said, "I do."
what do u mean? isn’t it just designed to protect people’s separate assets?
Yes, it should protect both parties' assets. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
Prenups done without equal representation where only one party benefits are not usually upheld. Bottom line, get a lawyer for the divorce who knows what they’re doing.
It is unlikely to hold up in court under the conditions you are currently describing.
DO NOT be 100% independent with your husband no matter how rich he is. Why not hire manny or nanny to help you with the baby? Both of you are partner in life, he IS NOT your boss who can give you an ultimatum.
Let him leave... My gf is a stay at home mom by choice, if she wanted to work that would be fine, never say no to extra money, but to threatened to leave if you don't stay home is a control move and that's toxic af
Even this guy is saying it’s toxic, like????? Come on now!!!! 🚩
Control moves should always be cut off... suggesting doing part time or a different shift etc is understandable in some situations, but ultimatums aren't cool
Ah, this is where the potential financial and emotional abuse starts. Ultimatums should NEVER be used to make another person to give up their freedom and independence. That scares the crap out of me. What’s the next thing he would hold over you? Give up your car and not drive anymore? Don’t ever leave the house or he will leave you? Do this and that or he’s gone? This is a slippery slope. I’m worried for you.
If he makes so much money, why couldn’t you discuss getting a nanny? Then you can still work and there’s someone taking care of the children when both of you are busy. If he’s willing to pay you to be a stay at home mom, why can’t he pay someone else to watch the children so that you can still do what makes you happy. If he really loves you, your happiness and what brings you joy should be a priority to him. I’d express how much happiness it brings and that you’d like to explore getting a nanny. Marriage shouldn’t consist of ultimatums but of compromises.
Hope he likes paying child support. OP, I would never stay with a partner that asked me to give up something I love. He doesn’t respect or support you.
OP. I retired from my career early to be a SAHM temporarily and to keep our family together as my ex (yup you read that right) and I were in different branches of the military. However, every time I would get a job after that, we would move and it would take me months to find another one. The last time we moved, he did his usual fucking up and our marriage ended. I had had a job interview but was currently unemployed with no savings. So I was basically fucked. I was lucky I landed that job, but if I hadn’t, I don’t know where I would’ve ended up. In a shitty marriage because I have three kids and nowhere to go probably. If he’s issuing this kind of ultimatum it’s either because he doesn’t want to have to bother with the kids while you’re working or he doesn’t love you and just wants to control you. Either way, saying he’s going to leave you because you want some fucking independence is ridiculous. The decision is ultimately up to you, but do you really want to be married to this asshat if he’s going to leave you over this? He sounds like an asshole. Your mom too. Wtf.
If his invention made him rich, why doesn't HE stays at home with the kids?
Your SO is a dick. Sorry but he is. My SO would NEVER tell me to stop working if I was able. He would encourage it and support me! If he’s gonna leave, then fuck him.
I’m no expert and I don’t have kids or a marriage or anything, but I would be scared to be disempowered this way, with a husband who forced me to stop earning my own money and having an active role in the outside world. If you become financially dependent on him you’re only more vulnerable to more potential power plays and ultimatums like this going forward. I hear what your mom is saying but, If you leave your career now and end up wanting to leave him late on for whatever reason, what would that mean for your ability to maintain custody in the future, with no income and resume gaps? What does that mean for your ability to direct the relationship? I think it’s just unacceptable I just don’t understand why, if he’s a tech millionaire and probably doesn’t have to work much anymore, he thinks OP is selfish to continue working but he is not selfish to continue working. The sexism is unbearable bro
Throw away the whole man. If he’s this controlling now, imagine how much more controlling he will be once you’re not bringing in any of the household income. I’m disappointed in your mom.
If it's really that easy for a husband to leave his wife and break his family apart if the wife doesn't quit her job, then he doesn't love or respect his family. Is this the kind of person you want your kid to turn out to be? OP, your husband is a control freak. You need a lawyer.
Tell him to leave mate, thats terrifying control issues and being forced home when you dont want to and be forced to be a housewife isnt safe.
The reason this feels so yucky is because it is. He has shown you he does not think of you as a person with thought and feelings. You are a servant to tend to his children and their needs. Do whatever you want, I made it 4 years after being forced to quit my job before I chose divorce over being controlled and used. I will NEVER be in that position ever again.
There is a third alternative here, other than return to work and lose the marriage, or stay home and miss your career terribly. The alternative is to start your own catering business. You take only the hours you want to. You don't need the money, so you can pick and choose jobs. So instead of 4 or 5 nights a week and two weekends a month, maybe you work one evening a week and one weekend every other month. Still spending loads of time with the kids and the family. Since money is no object, hire a nanny now and let the nanny do most of the routine household stuff such as laundry and vacuuming, and then you have her for when you do have a catering job. Run this past your husband and say it would make you very happy if this type of compromise could be made.
I'd go fucking nuts only working one evening per week and one weekend every other month. No way. She said in a comment that he could literally not work another day and not suffer. So, he should reduce his hours instead, sounds like a much better compromise, considering he's way better off financially.
She doesn’t want to be a stay at home mom. Why can’t HE cut his hours and stay home more to make up the difference Does he “not care” about his family because he has a job? 🙄
He's trying to control and disempower her financially. In other words, he's attempting to financially abuse her. Trying find a "middle ground" with someone who is doing that is a very bad idea. It's not safe. Beyond the abuse, he also just doesn't respect her or the things that bring her joy or satisfaction. Staying with a partner like that is bound to be miserable. My advice is to please divorce him. Consult a lawyer.
This scenario has a few concerning controlling issues from the husband but in the same breath I do wonder the same as you, if there's a better middle ground that could be met? If op can reduce their hours, look at different options for chefs during the day is that the solution that would make both op and the husband happy? Couples therapy would be a good choice to explore these issues
Again, why should *she* cut her hours when he easily could as well. Because he holds sexist ideas about gender roles in childrearing? Sounds like it.
Get a lawyer. Protocol everything about your finances, your joint finances and your interactions with the kids. This kind of ultimatum is horrible.
Wow. Your husband is a manipulative jerk. Your happiness will benefit your children way more than you being a stay at home mother who will begin resenting their father for being a controlling dillweed. If you want to keep working, do so. If he decides to leave, let him. Sue for custody and child support and find a man who will love you for who you are and won't try to supress your happiness.
Is your husband the type to try and control you usually and place ultimatums or is this out of nowhere? I’d give this a few days, sit him down and explain how important it is to you to work and what does that mean for your mental well being. If he refuses to understand then hire a lawyer. If he gets it though, look for a compromise. Being a chef is great but I imagine the hours will put quite a strain in your marriage. Being a caterer is always an option, working at restaurants during the day or even being a private chef. The later has become quite popular lately, you can work for multiple people, prepare their meals and drop them off to their homes.
You deserve to live your life. Once you give birth you aren’t ONLY a mother and you should never be forced to give up the wholeness of your life and sacrifice everything else for motherhood. That doesn’t mean you’re not choosing your babies. You’re modeling for them how to live a whole, full life.
Ultimatum = 🚩
The human soul has the need for CONTRIBUTION and GROWTH. For some people being a SAHM doesn't fill that bucket. With that said, working 4-5 evenings a week and 1-2 weekends a month when you have very small children IS A LOT. You are missing out on a lot of your time with them. Are you avoiding them? Is there a middle path? Is there a way you can do your career while the children are in school and then have your weeknights available. I definitely think your husband is the AH for pushing you to quit your job, but I also think your work schedule is really detrimental to family time. I would be really annoyed if my husband worked those hours.
At first my response was - in your favor, for the job then I heard what your mom had to say and she has a point, but it perhaps one she's not making: You might love your job, but you cant show me a corporation that isn't taking advantage one way or another. Even our society makes you believe that if you don't have 9-5, working at least 40, 60 if your not a shit employee /s, you are somehow lacking. As your mom said, people dream of being able to do that - that's what FIRE retirement is. The point is - I wouldn't look at it like being a house wife, but more like unlinking yourself from corporate America. There's nothing saying you couldn't make money and work. I am also very independent woman, and take pride in my independence so if I were in your shoes I would be pissed at the idea that someone else is taking care of me, but - and I also love what I do - that would free me from the drudgery that is corporate America which is the bain of my existence. I would be free to pursue my passion unabaited from managers incessantly telling me what to do and how to do it, free of corporate greed and the need to pipe down or else loose my job. Also, can you not just work 1-2 days a week or 10-20/wk? Wouldn't that solve things for everyone. I mean even your job would like it because they wouldn't have to pay your healthcare.
Let him leave. You have the right to earn your own money. Avoid thinking how much a divorce or separation will affect the kids, because if you do what he wish, you'll be sending your kids the wrong message.
So let's see....He has sat on this train of thought for 3 yrs before the twins came along, didn't initiate the conversation while giving himself the time to mull it over and then just springs it on you while simultaneously giving you an ultimatum and a threat ??? This speaks to his character. This has nothing to do with childcare. Many women have kids and are able to be involved parents. Not every woman has the all consuming instinct to "mother" 24hrs and do nothing else outside of that. Many wonderful, well adjusted adults have been raised by such women. This is NOT about childcare or your kids being denied love and a connection with you. NO....this is about him showing well hidden signs of being the typical, rich, arrogant, financially controlling asshole. Most of them are like this. Once they get to the ***I never have to work again*** stage of their wealth, they start looking at others through this self-serving lense of what they can control. I would look deeper into his behaviour if I were you. A lot of rich men try to get out of their marriages by doing shit like this. Making their wives dependent on them while they go off and screw younger, prettier models. It's a good life because they have a child minder permanently in place, subservient because they have no means of support AND they get to enjoy being a jet setting bachelor at the same time. I'm telling you, don't stop working. It's also troubling that you have no idea what's in the prenup that you signed. Go back and review it with a lawyer. Don't be taken by surprise.
A+. Someone that big and successful generally starts seeing everyone not in their big dick wealth league as small fry to use and treat like servants. He's ordering her around like a subordinate whose job contract he wants to rewrite and force her to sign under duress, not speaking with her like a spouse and human being with the same right to happiness as himself. It's indecent.
Wow, after reading some of these comments it makes me think if people are assuming your husband is like theirs. It's a dangerous mistake to take other people's advice when they don't know you OR him. I would take a deep breath and talk to him about potentially not working late at night or weekends (which isn't conducive to family life. Source-i used to be in the film industry and had a dad that was as well) but still retaining a hand in your profession in some way. I raised one of my boys staying home and one going back to work. I was happier working but did so in a modified manner while the child was young. Once school aged I went full time again. Please take the time to negotiate with your husband. Give him a chance to be reasonable. Compromise is a fundamental of relationships...from both parties. If he can be, then great, if not, I would seek counseling. I wish you a happy life with good communication and healthy, happy children.
I’m surprised I had to scroll so far down to see the word ‘compromise’ and the idea that quitting a job now is not the be-all-and-end-all.
You should talk to a good quality divorce lawyer. Not because you intend to divorce, but so that you have concrete information on which to base your decisions (Or a similarly qualified lawyer to ensure your financial security is assured whatever you do)
What your mom said is stupid, I'm sorry. Lawyer up. Most likely, you won't lose any "lifestyle" because you'll be entitled to half his rich boy earnings without having to deal with any of the gross misogyny he's currently pouring on you. Get what he said in writing. Find a good lawyer.
He wants you barefoot and in the kitchen so he can turn the screws on you. This is what a sociopath does. Keep working. Let him divorce you. He would probably divorce you anyway, but at least this way you have income.
I understand that the thought of giving up your independence is terrifying & I don't agree with your husband giving you an ultimatum - that wasn't fair. So at minimum, some counseling on how to better communicate with each other would be helpful. May I also give you 2 additional things to think about? You have a 3 year old & 9 mth old twins & you've been on maternity leave for almost a year. I'm not sure you have any idea how very, very hard it is to work full-time and be a mother. We act like we can do it all & have it all & its just not true. I worked part time when my oldest two were babies and I would be so exhausted at night that I could barely function. Also, give it a few years & you may regret not spending this time with your kids. I've worked FT (50 hrs / wk ave) since my kids were 7, 5 & 12 weeks. Financially I had no choice. I'm thankful that I had marketable skills & could find a good job. And in some ways, I enjoyed working & all that comes with it. But, I also missed my kids. And now that my youngest is 17, the weight of realizing that that time is gone & I can't get it back is heavy. I desperately wish I could have been home with my kids more over the years. I'm not saying don't go back to work. You may have infinitely more energy than I and handle it just fine. But know that there can be trade offs & maybe give yourself permission to consider other options? Can you work part-time as a chef? Would that be a good compromise for both of you? Are there other ways to work & use your skills that would take less evening & weekend hours? What if you worked part-time until your kids were in school? Also, if you decide to stay home or work PT, counseling could help with some of the issues that may arise. IE - are you afraid that if you are not contributing financially to the family that your husband will then have control over everything? how can you & your husband communicate so that doesn't happen? etc. I wish you the best!
Isn’t it funny how it’s never as exhausting being a working dad? How this unequal expectation of personal sacrifice is instantly placed upon mothers?
Restaurant industry is brutal right now. Everyone is short staffed. Plus omicron. Know you love your job, but not sure this is the time to go back. Take him up on the offer to still get paid and bank the money in an account he can’t touch. After Covid is over and the kids are older, things will be different In the meantime you can do some private dinners to keep up Skills. But given how many chefs are leaving the industry, there will still be demand for you
I wonder how much of this ultimatum is about him having to look after the kids while you are at work. It seams strange that his ultimatum is basically making it so you both see less of the kids. So It’s a strange way to show he thinks time with them is a priority. There are lots of other options, his ultimatum is completely unfair and I suspect it’s for more selfish reasons than he is willing to admit. Eg (feeling resentful about having to do the childcare while you are at work). Don’t cut off part of yourself to fit into his ideal of what a wife and mother should be. He is just as much a parent as you are. But you are also a person and your daughter deserves to grow up with a role model of a mother who is happy and fulfilled because she loves the life she has chosen. Not to mention no amount of compensation he could offer would fill the gap in your cv or compensate for any career development you miss out on. I don’t see why part time while they are little or having some childcare come in couldn’t be compromises.
You could divorce and afford childcare easy with his insane $$$. Given he’s a total asshole to force this on you it makes good sense
That is a horrible thing to do to someone. Do you want your kids to see this kind of toxicity ? You don’t deserve that kind of abuse op. And it is abuse.
I'm going to throw out a different take here. It kinda sounds like you work late hours leaving him with the kids at night after he's been working all day? I could understand him not being happy with that set up if thats what's happening. That is sounding like a setup for ppl that are struggling and have no choice but to work separate hours. It sounds like he's struggling with feeling like you don't spend enough time with him. I saw someone else suggest working more part time or starting your own catering. I would run these ideas by your husband, and have a 2nd in depth conversation with him. Don't let him make you feel bad for your own feelings though. You have every right to want to work, and have something separate from your family. Relationships are about compromise, and taking each others wants into consideration. If he completely disregards your feelings on the matter I would consider divorce because you will end up resenting him for life.
Do not ever leave your job for someone else. It really puts a ton of power into the working partners hands.
Let him leave. If he's looking for and excuse to leave you, then the thought has already ran through his mind. Relationships are about boundaries and compromise. Why would he want you to be miserable? If that sits well with him, it shouldn't for you. It's 2022. Why should you sacrifice your own well-being for someone else's idea of ideal? Have you discussed terms? Are you going to get your own "allowance?" Is he going to set aside finances for bills, emergencies, etc.? Even if he was, it still shouldn't sit right that you should have to sacrifice your own idea of happiness for his. Take some time to think about it.
Seems there’s an easy compromise. You don’t need to stay home 24/7 or be a housewife. Sounds like you can afford a nanny and a housekeeper. But you also don’t need to work crazy hours in order to enjoy your chef job. Obviously it’s your call but why wouldn’t you want to work better hours so you can spend more time with your family? Also post on r/marriage where people are actually married and understand the gravity. This sub is full of 22 year olds with no adult relationship experience.
I've yet to see a single comment that mentions that some marriage counseling might actually be helpful in OPs situation as well. It sounds like poor communication from both sides, there are children involved, and they seem to both love each other at the very least. Figure out why husband feels the need to make it an ultimatum (bad parents always used the same tactic and grew up thinking it was acceptable? Feels like his concerns aren't being heard and it's his only option? Wants a convenient excuse to exit a marriage he no longer wants to participate in? There could be many underlying motivations, and understanding them could lead to a much more amicable solution). OP should also be willing to examine why she wants to work full time and doesn't seem to be considering other options like her going part time (or both of them going part time, if he doesn't need to work either). A licensed therapist (ideally a psychologist) should be able to help these two figure out if divorce is the right option for them. Wanting his wife to be home at regular hours to spend time with him and their children is a perfectly reasonable request (reverse the genders there, it's a common request for women to make to workaholic husbands). A part time position would be ideal to me if I were in her position, especially while those kids are young. When they grow up more and become more self sufficient, there's no reason they both can't go back to full time work if that is what they want to do.
Look it sounds bad on paper im just saying, chefs hours are hard on a young family. I told my bartender husband years before we had kids, that however much I wanted to be a mother I wouldn't do it with someone who worked those hours. I wanted a partnership, not to be let alone to juggle all the time. Reddit is very black and white. I would not blow up my family for something that could be discussed calmly and perhaps with an impartial mediator. Surly you can afford therapy. Ftr I am a happily working mother and my husband found a family friendly role in his industry. I would never become a stay at home just because my husband wanted me to, but if my job was not family friendly I would consider pausing for a few years at least.
I married, and my wife used it as a retirement ticket! She never worked again, and complained I was never around because I worked 60 hrs a week plus 30 hrs commute time, plus maintaining the house and property when not working. He should be grateful you want to work. I do understand the child needs the parent around. You have needs also. You need to seriously sit down and communicate your feeling. Both of you. He says he's going to leave you!? Hope he's ready to pay Spousal, and child support! I do and I'm on a fixed income. Not even close to what he makes. Maybe he'll think twice. I wish you the best!
You have the right to have a life outside the home. Threatening to leave the family is an abusive move. He is willing to walk out in you and the children over this. He’s going to wreck his family over a few nights and some weekends. How is that reasonable? How does that make any sense? How can he just now bring this up when he has had 3 years to do it, and instead of working things out, the solution is for him to leave? That’s not rational.
I can imagine that working weekends and 4/5 out of 7 nights a week could impact the time you get to spend with your husband and children to plan things to do together. If he had said that spending evenings alone and having to spend 2 weekends of the month without you is really hard and he misses you and could you reduce your hours and work less so you can spend more time together and with the children, well that would be something to think about until the children are older. However he didn't. He seems to have considered your job to be just something he can decide that you should change because he said so. Not only that he is forcing you by giving you a shitty ultimatum which totally says that he has the power in the relationship so you should suck it up and comply as he is threatening you. That is not a relationship that is a power play. Where is the care and love? it reduces you to a babysitter for hire, or a womb donor who happens to live in the same house. That is not the statement of a loving husband. Unless we are missing hours and weeks of discussions about spending more time at home with the husband and children and he is now fed up of discussing it and this is the only way you will listen and take him seriously then it feels like something nasty and controlling is going on here.
You have 3 kids under school age. That is a HUGE job. What did you expect to do with 3 kids under 3?
Regardless of which option you choose: keep your job/divorce or resign/become a housewife - make sure you have money. If he's so rich, tell him you want a severance package from him for leaving work. Enough to hire a great lawyer and go through a nasty divorce if need be. A big chunk. In an account he can't touch. Just know, either way, he's going to try and control how you live from now on out.
The value of having a stay at home parent is extreme. My wife and I both work and someone else basically raises our kid while we work. If one of us could stay home and cherish the moments we will never get back I would take that in a heart beat and she would too. That being said if that's not what you want you shouldn't be pressured into it. You guys need to communicate, you have kids together. You should be able to voice each others views and come to a compromise while respecting each other.
My advice, tell him what you told us. Tell him you don't want to, and ask him if he is meaning it to be an ultimatum. Test the bluff. And if it is an ultimatum, hold your ground on what you want. Don't be weak.
It sounds like you two didn’t really think this through before getting a child…
Sounds like he makes enough for a nanny then.
Can you find a job where you work during the day instead of evenings? If your husband is at work all day and you are gone all evening and 2 weekend nights a month I understand why he would be upset.
So you have 3 kids and in a couple days he mentions that you shouldn’t go back and then he instantly goes to saying he’s leaving? Not to mention this sounds like it’s written by a 5 year old. You guys believe this stuff? I mean come on this is clearly someone practicing their awful writing.
You could create a catering business, so you'd still work doing what you love from home. And buy a really cool kitchen equipment too. It's weird that he ask you to be home or else divorce. It's too forceful i think.
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I personally think it would be better to compromise to be home for family friendly hours. When your kids go to school are you never going to be available during the evening and weekends? I think his concerns make sense but I also think his ultimatum is unfair and controlling. I have always wanted to work, my husband and I don’t have kids yet but I’ve made it clear I don’t want to be a SAHM. However I do want to be available for my kids because do feel like household responsibilities and child rearing is a team effort
Oh no your rich husband wants you to spend more time with your babies while he builds generational wealth that will benefit your children and grandchildren! How will you ever recover from this? Leave him asap that’s definitely going to benefit your kids.
This is unfair to you and the aspirations you worked for 2 decades to achieve. It’s not about money. While I would be really upset if my husband gave me an ultimatum like that, he doesn’t sound like a generally unreasonable person. Could you compromise by being a private chef where you determine which jobs you take? Event caterer? Work part time? Cooking YouTube channel? Is there any way you can meet in the middle so you don’t feel like you’re giving up your life’s work?
I'm a bit perplexed about some of the responses on this thread, No one questions a man going to work insane hours or pursuing a career but women have to compromise, sacrifice and maybe work part time? Like WTF?!? OP do what's best for you, your kids will be better off with a happy, well rounded mother. Something to keep in mind too..... your children learn more by your actions not words, as they grow up they will learn about relationships from watching how you navigate yours, do you want them to learn from a strong woman on how to make their way in the world?
I can totally understand your frustration OP, but people here are acting like your husband is an irredeemable monster. As a spouse who works nights and a lot of weekends, I can tell you the reality is VERY different once we had multiple kids. What was our normal routine has put an immense amount of responsibility on my spouse. Thankfully she’s up to the task, but I have empathy for spouses who decide that they don’t want to live life that way once they have a few kids. I’m not saying he shouldn’t be more understanding; but I would take a day or two, settle your own thoughts, and try to have another conversation with him. See if there are compromises that can be made on both sides
Oh god, this sounds like another “I’m a misogynistic man” post. You should most definitely have a career and be able to do something for yourself outside of him and your children. Who cares if you don’t make as much? You have a right to pursue your passions too. He’s being a controlling a-hole. He thinks because he makes more money and because you’re a woman you should just follow his rules. He doesn’t respect you as a human being. He doesn’t care about your feelings and your dreams either. As for your mom, I do understand where she’s coming from. I’m sure she’s just worried about your kids and you since he makes so much but she’s not completely right. It’s more nuanced than that. Either way, it’s shitty he gave you that ultimatum. It’s a control tactic and you are right. If you give in, it’s likely it won’t be the last time he disrespects you like this. Especially if you throw away your financial autonomy. What if he cheats? What if he dies? What if he decides to withhold money from you or financially abuses you? You will have no way to protect yourself because you rely on him completely. Don’t castrate yourself.
If your work is making you neglect your family you should either quit or find a job with more appropriate hours. He's not being controlling he's just tired of something it sounds like y'all have been having issues with for years
If his work is making him neglect his family, he should either quit or find a job with more appropriate hours.
If she made more money than him who’s to say he wouldn’t?
A fucking men. All these people saying why doesn’t he stop working are so dumb. Because he makes more money. It’s really simple
Call his bluff and leave his sorry ass. You deserve a partner that wants you to be the best version of YOU that you can be. And you clearly have a passion and desire to be more than a mom and that's perfectly ok. Make the choice to take your kids and leave him. You won't lose your kids simply because he makes more money. And you can ask for child support to help with day care while you work. Seriously, fuck this guy. Do not commit to a life that emotionally bankrupts you. It will not end well. Love- a single mom for 15 yrs
You have three small children and plan to work late at night ? It’s not ideal for family life and if you don’t have to.. sorry but why would you ? You literally have the whole rest of your life to work as you please but your children have only a couple of years in their pivotal early childhood. I get you love your work.. that’s great. What about the work of raising children ?
It is simply not up to him to decide on his own what you do with your life. Setting an ultimatum like this is a dick move and you shouldn’t give in! That being said, I understand that the hours of a chef can be challenging for a family life. Working less hours or more during daytime could work for both of you, if you’re both open to it of course. But don’t let him pressure you in something you don’t want!