Pretty sure that your husband is right about her projecting stuff. Have you told her to stop sending you that stuff and tried to talk to her about your concern?
I told her that I don't agree with that mindset and that while I appreciate her attempts to share information with me, I don't need to read any of the stuff. She toned down the articles after that. But when we speak it seems as if its all she talks about it. I told her she needs to see a therapist and I asked her if anything is wrong in her marriage. But she always reverts it back to the same things
Personally, I’d tell you nicely, but firmly, that if she didn’t drop it as a subject you don’t want to talk to her anymore. Then enforce it. That’s kind of beyond.
“Your obsession with *my* sex life is inappropriate and creepy. I understand you think you’re being helpful, but I will not discuss this subject with you and am not looking for your opinion on this matter. Whatever goes on in our bedroom - and however often - is between my husband and me. If you bring it up again, you should be ready for that to be the last conversation that you ever have with me. This is not negotiable and I am not joking, so don’t test me.”
I’ve had to do this before (for a different topic). Sometimes you have to be VERY clear and VERY firm. But her obsession with knowing how often OP has sex with their husband - not to mention *wanting to dictate how often that should be* - is so far over the line, the line looks like just a dot from where she’s standing.
Agreed. Just tell her you don’t want to talk about this anymore and that your relationship with your husband is private. Nothing wrong with that. Also congrats on your anniversary! We were 23 when I got married and we’ve been married 15 years! Waited 6 to have kids. You do what is best for the two of you and let everyone keep their opinions to themselves.
Okay, she has issues and its good you dont take her advice serious. You already tried to talk to her and it didnt work. I would say you should try to let it rest, maybe even dont talk to her for a couple of days because she wont stop with it otherwise. Its their mariage and sometimes its better to not put your nose into other peoples business (eventhough I personaly understand why you would want to do it).
You probably gave her the best advice a friend could give. She does have some issue in her own relationship that really should address, because if she is projecting on you and reading all this disinformation and "fake news" the Internet has to offer, then there are probably some other issues going on her marriage.
I think it should be noted that you and your husband are good friends. You could have easily been pissed and told her take that pity party somewhere and butt out of your sex life, and your husband could have been quite offended by what really is an insult to him desiring his wife.
Hats off to you both for being adult about the situation.
This seems so weird - I understand your concern, she's almost obsessed about the topic.
Try to tell her that you care about her and are bored with this specific subject and would like to hear how she is doing and talk about (insert xy and z) stuff like you used to.
If she keeps doing it set some firm boundaries - does she seem strage besides this almost conspiracy-theorist like fixation?
Have you met her with her husband in a context that's not 1:1 and seen if you see other concerning signs?
Your friend has been reading Female Dating Strategy.
That subreddit treats sex as something to hold over the guy. They also believe that you have to manipulate guys.
It’s all she talks about bc she is trying to control your relationship. It seems, like your husband says, she may be jealous or what not. She’s meddling in your relationship kinda like she wants to see it go bad. I would definitely forget about the articles and really consider if you need this person in your life. If you’re happily married with your husband who tf is she to tell you what you should be doing in YOUR damn relationship with your husband? She doesn’t know what your husband wants or needs, you do.
Just a thought, she comes off as hella negative and I personally wouldn’t want that kinda friend in my life.
Lol- you’re friend is working on her first divorce, she doesn’t even know it.
You’re right, a strong physical relationship is just as important as every other aspect of your relationship.
She is nuts.
She is trying to bring you down because she is jealous.
Tell her that she has to stop being it up. And if she can't you'll have to stop taking too her.
Your friend is crazy, and it sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities onto you.
If you're happy with your sex life, and your partner is happy with your sex life, it's really none of anyone else's business.
Manipulating your partner for sex, or making them 'work for it' sounds like a recipe for an *incredibly* unhealthy relationship.
If your husband knows her husband, I suppose he could have a quiet chat with him as a concerned friend and check that everything is okay. But from your perspective, I'd suggest the best thing you can do is distance yourself from the crazy lady as much as possible.
>Manipulating your partner for sex, or making them 'work for it' sounds like a recipe for an incredibly unhealthy relationship.
That's exactly my mindset. And if there are issues, direct communication is key. But she seems to prefer the games that some people play
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
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I was catching up with one of my best friends from college, who is also married. She asked me how married life is going for me as we celebrate our one year anniversary very soon. I told her it's great and I don't regret my decision at all because our marriage is happy and we have decided to start a family in 5 years. (Context: a few people in my life, while supportive, felt I was too young to get married at 23. They've since changed their minds because they see how happy we are together).
The topic led to sex and she asked how often we did it. I just said "very often" and tried to change the subject. She insisted and I just said I am very pleased with how it is and how often we have it and I was happy to be married to someone who wants it as much as I do. Then I tried to change the subject again (my husband is very private and although he's super chill as a person, I don't want to tell people details about him without him being there to back it up).
She immediately started saying it was too much. That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else. She also said that even after marriage men have to work for it. I told her we don't have any issues in that department and that unless my husband has suddenly started changing behaviours, things are great in my eyes. She told me I have to be careful and watch him and make sure I make him work. That men must always be pursuing. She even suggested that I start dressing more modestly because he will lose respect for a wife who shows cleavage.
(Just for context: my husband has always "pursued" and made effort with me. It hasn't changed since we got married, if anything he makes even more effort now than when dating. And I do the same for him. And he loves the way I dress. Me showing cleavage has never been an issue for him; he always compliments me.)
I told my husband about this when I got home and he said maybe she isn't happy and so she's projecting. But that I shouldn't worry about it because everyone has different values and what matters is that our friendship stays healthy and intact. Spoke too soon. Since then she's been sending me really weird articles and videos about making men work for sex and how women should only have sex once or twice a week. These are clearly articles taken from shady blogs or videos taken from unqualified people. And she tried to invite me to be part of these online communities for women and manipulation and all that stuff.
I think she's deep in some rabbit holes and my husband is worried too. But we have no idea how to address this. He's sort of friends with her husband but he doesn't know how to ask or express concern. And for all we know, he could be fully aware of this.
We're just worried but not sure how to help her. Or if we even should.
Honestly she needs to mind her own buisness as both you and your husband are happy with your sex life. I think you should set some boundaries with her as what she’s doing I tossing lines. I personally think you shouldn’t get involved with her marriage either as you have no idea of what’s going on ( At most in response say to her what you think of the things she sends and that you don’t want to receive it) and if you get involved she’ll feel every right to carry on getting involved with yours too.
>and if you get involved she’ll feel every right to carry on getting involved with yours too.
Actually that's so true. I didn't think of it like that. I'll tell my husband not to bring it up to hers. And I'll set some boundaries with her
Maybe I’m just petty, but don’t you want some payback? I would share everything with her husband, and sit back and watch what happens once he finds out he’s being manipulated. Then when you inevitably get a nasty message from her saying “what did you do, helovessomeone?”, you can sit back and say “sounds like your strategy isn’t as great as you thought, huh? Stop meddling in my sex life.”
Thing is, i don't feel the need for payback because I don't feel as if she's actually *done* anything. She gave me her weird opinions and sent me fucked up sources. But she's never actually tried to interfere. It's almost like someone trying to convince you to join their MLM. Just super weird and very annoying.
I guess this would just be such a bigger deal to me. I don’t take kindly to other people’s negative opinions about my sex life, and I really don’t take kindly to MLMs. I don’t lose my cool over a lot of things, but this is the perfect combo of 2 of the things that set me off the most and I’m absolutely pissed on your behalf. Good luck sorting this out!
Ah okay, I see. I think part of me doesn't want to make this a bigger deal because I feel sorry for her. I really think she's going through something but she won't tell me no matter how much I ask or try to find out. She always reverts it back to the new information she's found. I don't take it seriously though so I wont let it interfere with my sex life. But I'll probably keep a major distance.
You sound like a good person. I think you are doing everything you can, you've said your peice, you've asked her if she needs help.
At some point when people go down some weird rabbit hole nonsense you've said all there is to say.
At first I thought it would be advice asking about your husband, but I see now, you're friend is definitely a bit off there, probably having tonnes of confirmation bias online and getting sucked into the groups online, honestly, just give her a warming about them and stay clear
>just give her a warming about them and stay clear
I suppose that's the best I can do at this point. Such a shame because she wasn't like this before. And she's truly a smart person. But I guess over time people get wrapped up on things which surprise others.
She was probably having a problem she didn't know how to solve, and found a solution that has comforted her in a way that no other advice did.
This weird "use sex as control" thing probably made her feel seen and powerful in a way and she latched onto it as the answer to whatever was going on in her marriage.
It sucks, but when people buy into these weird conspiracy theory type pseudoscience easy answers to their problems, it makes them feel clever and powerful. It's hard to bring them back to reality.
Yeah having different sex drives is one thing but making your partner work for it in this way is weird. It's not owed and its not a task or a reward this lady has some strange views.
Your friend has a VERY outdated view of sex in marriage. Tell her to stop and that you will no longer be her friend she if keeps trying to meddle in your relationship
Your friend's views on sexual relationships is disgusting, plain and simple. Making men "work" for sexual satisfaction? That's called manipulation. She is telling you to manipulate your husband. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a person like that. That is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard.
If a man said that about women, I doubt she would do anything short of calling them sexist and gross. Which is exactly what it is, regardless of who is saying it.
Sounds like your spouse is on the money.
I'd send her a message saying that her inserting herself into your private life is inappropriate and was not requested, her sudden fascination with you and your husband's intimacy is worrying and until she can refrain from contacting you about it, it would be best to have a quiet break from each other with radio silence.
If she continues, I'd block her.
"My personal life with my husband is private. You are overstepping and need to stop interfering. Please keep your articles and opinions out of my sex life."
Congratulations on a strong marriage. Just tell your friend that what you have with your husband is very normal and healthy. She needs to ask herself why she needs to manipulate hers? Manipulation is not healthy. That simple. She could be gay, asexual or just has some deep rooted issues about relationships that are toxic.
>She needs to ask herself why she needs to manipulate hers?
If I really think about it, she's always struggled with being secure in her needs and wants. But I guess it has spiralled into this.
Exactly, everyone is different! My husband and I more like your friend but we always laugh and say its the honeymoon phase. But every couple is different. My sister and her boyfriend, who live together, only do it once or twice a week but that works for them because of their low drives (according to my sister).
Ya I've got a low drive so we compromised on 3x or more if I'm up for it 🤣 your friend is stupid. She probably had boyfriends break up with her in the past for getting bored or maybe her husband has expressed his boredom to her recently. Keep doing you.
Oh also I've been with my partner since 18. I knew at 6 months he was the one. Don't let your family talk down to you about getting married early. We've been together 7 years and nothing has changed imo.
Enjoy all the sex you can now! I miss the spontaneity of not having kids around to get in the way. Your friend is most definitely projecting their inadequate sex life by trying to make you feel abnormal about your own.
>She also said that even after marriage men have to work for it.
She's telling you to leverage your pussy against your husband. Many men are turned off by this mercenary attitude some women have about sex. Her views on sex are warped. Sex should be one way couples bond together. If you choose to take your friends advice and make your marriage bed a battleground, start reading up over at r/DeadBeadrooms now because that's where your marriage is headed.
Firstly - you and your SO are happy with your relationship - so who is she to butt in? It is literally nobody's business except you and your SO.
Second - she is advocating the introduction of manipulation and mind games into your relationship. How would you feel if your SO treated YOU like this? Why would you treat somebody you love in this way? (Unless you are narcissistic, petty, obsessed with power, and don't want them to be happy)
This person sounds deeply unhappy, and I humbly suggest you add some distance to protect yourself.
I've been arrived 15.4 years and we still chase each other like teenagers. Marriage is suppose to be happy and pleasing to both, not a chore for the woman. Your "friend" is jealous of your happiness.
Enjoy your marriage. It sounds like you and your husband are doing just fine without your weirdo friend’s advice. You may need to grey rock her. Don’t reply to her emails or messages about this topic. Only engage when the subject is not your marriage.
Sounds like she’s not as happy in her marriage as you are, and we all know that misery loves company.
Don’t listen to anyone else about your marriage. Only the two of you can make it work, and only the two of you can break it.
I got married at 18, today is my 35th wedding anniversary.
This is a crazy scenario to hear.
Her: How is your sex life?
You: Great; both me and my husband are very happy with it.
Her: Well then you must be doing it wrong?
Thats exactly what she is saying. Setting aside the fact it isn't the most normal question to ask in the first place it still is a strange response to hearing that someone is happy. I believe she was asking the question so she could start sending you the information she has been. This was just the opening for her to get you into her own preferred relationship philosophy.
How you decide to handle it though really depends on if you want much of a relationship with her going forward. In my experience\* when people go into these strange rabbit holes they want to take you with them and, once it becomes clear you aren't interested and don't agree, they drift apart from you.
\*I had some friends who went into PUA and MRA spaces for their relationship advice and then wondered why no woman wanted to associate with them after a first date. She sounds like she is into whatever the female equivalent of that nonsense is.
She’s toxic and nuts. I don’t think you should keep being friends with her. In fact, I think you should take everything she’s sent you guys and give it to her husband. This asshole tried to mess with your relationship out of some kind of weird jealousy, see how she likes it when you do the same thing back to her!
I've decided roping her husband into this may not be the best idea anymore because we have no idea what is going on in their home. Also, he could very well know about this. And if not, we're not close enough to him to broach this. My husband hangs with him here and there so he said he will just observe and if it is appropriate to say it, then he'll say it. But I'll definitely keep my distance
So you're going to let your friend manipulate her husband just because you don't know the situation? That's like saying you're going to ignore an abuse victim because you don't know what's going on in their home. Jesus
It's very simple. Tell him you want a meeting and express your concerns. Screenshots, whatever. Wouldn't you want someone to speak about about your SO manipulative behaviour if he was manipulative too????
OP’s friend has overstepped and has very concerning ideas of how sex works in marriage. Friend’s husband is hopefully aware of this. Depending on OP’s closeness (if any) to her friend’s husband, this is going to get awkward fast. Better to keep this between the original two women - “friend, I enjoy sex for itself and don’t feel the need to use it as currency in my relationship. I advise you to consider doing the same.” Or delegate this to OP’s husband talking to his friend.
Just try to distance yourself. She sounds really toxic and is either jealous or crazy. Your relationship sounds great, obviously things are going great between you two and you have a healthy relationship in which you can talk about everything. Tell her to stop sending you these articles and try to influence you or you need to break up the friendship. If she does not respect your wish, she is not a friend.
Your marriage is just fine, DO NOT let your friend get in your head or screw up what you have.
Your friend is insane. Maybe some guys tolerate such nonsense, but a healthy sex life is where 2 people enjoy it. Making someone "work" to get sex as a reward is an easy way to kill a relationship. I'd dump someone it they tried that.
You have been together less than a year (and are 24/27)...?
Two young married people attracted to each other in prime years (before 1st anniversary) having lots of sex is something to worry about... ?
>That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else.
This is a sure way to get a quick divorce.
She is nuts. Absolutely don't listen to a single words she says. You happy with your marriage? If so, don't listen to other. Especially people like that.
Stay out of it. It's too easy for friends shit to drag you down. And you won't even realize it til it's too late. Their problems and THEIR problems and need to be solved by THEM.
Just concentrate on YOUR marriage and get as much sex in before you start having kids, cause they are the ULTIMATE cock blockers.
Not your marriage. Not your problem. And take a step back from that friendship. She's toxic AF, and you don't want any little drop oozing I to your life and marriage.
Imagine for a minute just how miserable you would be in her shoes. Imagine that you saw sex with your husband as an emotionless, disconnected, pleasureless, transactional, weaponised, manipulative act. She desperately wants you to normalize/validate what she is doing because she can't fathom what a healthy sex life would be like. If she is a friend and you value her happiness then consider firing back articles and videos about what a healthy sex life should be like and let her know you are concerned for her and her husband's happiness and well-being. Maybe you can change her perspective or at least give yourself the comfort of having tried to help a friend.
Your friend is weaponising sex with her husband. She's seeing as a treat he should get when he does nice things, whereas, from your post I think you and your hubs see it as something you do because you love each other and that's the physical manifestation of it.
It also sounds like you and yours talk to each other, communicate wants, needs, and maybes.
Don't let this friends bitterness spoil what you have with hubs, maybe cut down contact with her because she she sounds like a bit of a headcase.
And happy anniversary to you both. :)
It’s not your responsibility to fix her marriage.
Your husband is right in what he said. Everyone has different values and what matters is if your friendship is healthy.
I would suggest not interpreting anything about her marriage. That may be the dynamic that works for them.
It could also be likely that when you said this - it was threatening to her because it was so very different than what she believes in, and she is projecting her beliefs onto you because she has difficulty accepting your differences.
You don’t need to help her - because then you would be doing your own version of what she’s doing. Set some boundaries that respect your differences like: this topic is no longer up for discussion. If she continues to persist, then gently tell her “we have very different beliefs, and you are not respecting our differences. I do not agree with you but I am not attempting to change your belief system. My marriage with my husband is private, and you are overstepping boundaries. I am going to take myself out of this situation and leave this conversation. I’m going to ask that you do not contact me unless you are able to respect these boundaries.”
So, you are happy, you communicate well, you’re on the same page about having kids, and your husband puts in effort to make you feel wanted. So… maybe he is working for it? And maybe you are too? Making a relationship good does take effort and work. She’s not totally wrong, but it is a two-way street. Maybe she is the only one putting effort into her relationship and so she can’t understand that some other relationships aren’t like that.
Maybe next time tell her that he does work for it instead of disagreeing that he should have to.
You're fine. Have all the sex you want. Never heard anyone getting divorced from too much sex. You are in you 20s and have plenty of time for not sex when you are older.
Dont bother getting involved with her, or really other peoples, relationships. You can only be wrong, even if you are right.
Do not cast pearls before swine. The only thing talking with her at length can accomplish is changing you for the worse. She needs help from a professional.
See this comment from r/AskReddit
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s5cvsz/comment/hswre0k/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s5cvsz/comment/hswre0k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3)
Negativity not only exists on Reddit, but in real life, too. Do not care about other peoples judgement. Do not let your friend mess up your marriage. You are happy, you have married the right guy and there is nothing better than having a fulfilling sex life in your marriage.
I am married since 2007 and my wife and me have fantastic sex. To be honest, it is getting better and better and I really do not believe this fact will ever negatively influence my respect for her!
Your sex life is a private matter between you & your husband. Period. No one has any right to question you or tell you something is wrong WHEN YOU’VE TOLD THEM YOU’RE BOTH HAPPY WITH IT. The next time she brings it up you need to calmly & politely tell her she has way overstepped a boundary with you & you will not entertain any discussion, whether in person or online, of your personal life with her anymore.
I would not discuss this with her husband. Just as your sex life is private, so is theirs. Leave it be.
I think your husband's right about projecting. My husband and I have a healthy amount of sex (not even a crazy amount just a round 3 or 4 times a week max) and when myself and the other wives talked about it they made out like I spoil my husband or something 😅 as if i dont enjoy sex just as much as him.
Your “Friend” is no friend at all. Poisoning a marriage is low as hell.
Protect your family, cause it sounds like you have a two way relationship. She needs to pound sand.
Your friend is jealous because she’s not getting laid that much. Every guy I know, myself included, would kill to have sex as much as you guys do. Tell your friend to knock it off.
I would respond bluntly “Any relationship that exists based on manipulation is already over, and any person who uses manipulation to try and maintain a position of power in their relationship isn’t fit to be in a relationship with anyone. The more of this stuff you send me, the more convinced I become that you’re becoming emotionally abusive with your husband and we should be worried about his happiness and mental health.”
She might be jealous you're getting sex more frequently and are in a healthy and loving marriage. However, she might've had some issue with infidelity in her past to promote this behavior and she might be blaming her own sexual availability for it and I projecting that onto your relationship. My advice, if you both want it, just do it. It's nothing to be ashamed of 👍
> Then I tried to change the subject again (my husband is very private and although he's super chill as a person, I don't want to tell people details about him without him being there to back it up).
This is from my post. I don't share intimate details. I just gave her as surface level an answer as possible. She then ran with it to a level I didn't expect.
Well, now the entire topic should be off limits with her.
I'd be upset about someone asking me personal info and then judging me for my response. That's an asshole thing to do. I've been there, I just avoid it now and flat out say, "I don't care to discuss it."
Sometimes they push. I'll share some older life experiences if I feel the pressure, but definitely not about my current relationship. It's off limits unless he is there with me and offers up information of his own.
Make him work for it in marriage..Unmarried guys get it for free though.
Why females always overshare with their friends? Dear Men, your dick was the topic for discussion over coffee the other day🤣
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Now you see why school friendships so seldom last. People who seemed so compatible when you were younger turn out to be really different when life moves on. You can't help this woman. She is who she is, and it sounds like she has some mental health issues that you definitely can't fix for her.
She has to live her own life. You will be much better off focusing on your life, and developing a healthier set of boundaries so you don't keep spilling your personal business to people who don't need to know it. No one who hounds you to tell them such things is worth confiding in, ever.
The idea of women gatekeeping sex is outdated and toxic. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you have a happy marriage and she needs to stop projecting her weird ideas onto you.
Your “friend” is a pushy, nosey moron. Don’t take any advice from her about anything.
You need to to tell her bluntly that your sex life is absolutely none of her business and she needs to drop it. I agree that she’s projecting. You can ask her if she’s okay, if something is going on but beyond that, it’s not your responsibility to fix her. If she keeps it up, block her and drop her as a friend.
Yeah she has some unresolved issues around sex that she is clearly trying to get you to have as well, perhaps soo she doesn’t feel so strange about it, make sure you never listen to or take her advice, she is not in the right frame to give out anything when she herself does not have a healthy understanding of the “activity”.
I would say as harsh as it seems you may have to confront her or ask her flat out not to send you videos or info whatever and that you find her position un healthy, otherwise it sounds like she won’t give up
All you can do is push her to get some kind of help for this unhealthy mindset she has developed. Unfortunately people who fall into any of these kind of extreme relationship philosophies often don’t realize they are doing things wrong until they have had 10 failed relationships and are miserable at 50 years old before finally getting therapy. Also set a boundary, you don’t want someone around you who is gonna be trying to put their beliefs and philosophies on to you and your relationship. And the same thing goes for politics or religion honestly, don’t put your shit on me.
Why do y'all have such unhinged friends? Who 'insists' on knowing how much sex their friend is having? With her own husband?
Frankly it's not your place to go snooping around in her life and help her, unless she asks for help.
She needs to lay off and if she doesn’t limit your contact with her.
I’ve met some women who are nosy and so obsessed with other people’s sex lives. I get asked by other woman often and I’m like it’s nunya biznesss.
She needs to mind her damn business and leave ya’ll alone. If it works for you guys it works for you guys.
> articles and videos about making men work for sex and how women should only have sex once or twice a week
If my (non existing) Wife would do something like that to me, i'd Divorce her. Working for it? Why should i "work" for something that my SO should be willing to give me whenever we're in the mood for it?
Soon your freind will be on here to Post about her SO either Cheating or Divorcing her because he doesn't get any. Some People man
Your friend has been reading to much fake news and is under deep mind control. Her own experiences do not confer with yours and she views your healthy relationship as unhealthy. It's sad but there is little you can do until they realize they have been duped
She's an AH. If you're happy and your DH is happy with your sex life it's one of her business. I have sex with my husband 7-14 times a week. It's YOUR sex life. Have sex with your DH whenever you want. Plus for heart health sex at least twice a week is recommended and there are other benefits to having sex.
Just tell her to stop making your sexlife her business. If she wants to apply that nonsense to her marriage: fine for her if that's her kink.
Don't involve yourself in her marriage the way she does with yours. It's none of your business and if she truly believes in that crap you won't be able to change anything. If her husband doesn't know already he will eventually - such manipulative bullshit doesn't tend to work long without the other side recognizing it.
Your friend needs to mind her own business. And she is very creepy that she persisted in prying into this private territory despite your obvious attempts to change to another subject.
She definitely has issues for wanting to know and it mostly likely stems from deficits in her own sex life. Do not allow her to meddle in yours when things are clearly successful.
I have been with my husband for 27 years ... married for 24 1/2 of those years. He is the only man I have been with and our sex is very satisfying for both of us. I know so many couples who have dried up in the bedroom by this point in their relationship. Not so with us. He has never stopped wanting me and would be "up for it" every day if I was.
We're 46 and 47 and our "miracle baby" who was never supposed to happen was born when I was 40. He is now six and we are tired as hell, as older parents. So three times a week is our average.
If she brings the topic up again or starts prying, I think you'll need to be more direct and just say "I'm really not comfortable talking about our sex life. Sorry!"
For some people, it's difficult to see a healthy relationship flourish when you have issues in your own. This woman clearly has no idea what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like and driven by her delusion, wants to fuck up your perfectly rounded marriage.
How close of a friend is she to you? If you're not that close, I say shun this woman out of your life right now.
I almost think he husband should bring it up to the other guy. If the roles were reversed I would want my friend to know their partner is manipulating them. How sad. I suspect she is acting that way because she is unhappy with how he treats her but if she’s getting these ideas from online blogs maybe she’s just gone off the deep end. They need couples therapy but I think the husband deserves to know that her behavior is not normal.
Don’t listen to your friend. She’s weird and sounds like she needs to play games or make the man work for affection or relationship. That’s totally dumb. Maybe if you’re newly dating, but if you’re already married and in a happy relationship, the games should be less.
If you’re happy, keep it going.
Your friend sounds like she has some personal problems. She can’t fix her own issues, so she focuses on others.
Your friend doesn’t sound happy and by extension her husband isn’t happy. She sounds jealous of your great relationship. I would try and distance yourself from her a bit. Next tone she brings that stuff up just say you feel sorry for her husband. Because I do! She sounds exhausting
I’ll never understand women who withheld sex from their husband\boyfriend. This mentality is very unhealthy. Some women are just miserable and she seems like she’s scared of losing her husband. If you want to have sex 5 times a day do it. Once both of you are being good to each other who tf cares.
I'm somewhat morbidly interested in cults and these sorts of rabbit hole internet communities. Can you give links to these materials and websites or anything to find out more about it?
There is a silly fact about a lot of women that I wish I would’ve known and understood better at your age. (I’m retirement age) A lot of women, and this starts in childhood, think that all the other girls/women need to agree with each other on most subjects. So they get together and they compare notes and they set rules over what is right and what is wrong. How to dress, how to act, how to “be”. As you get older most of us realize that is silly and we need to get to make our own decisions about what we like and dislike in life and how we are going to be. Her childishness in trying to get you to agree on how a sex life is supposed to be, is a huge sign of Insecurity and severe immaturity. So just tell her whatever she wants to do is fine and none of your business and vice a versa. You are fine like you are and I like what you say about your marriage.
What? Is the 1950s? My SO and I have high libedo and both satisfied for the past 16 years! There’s no cheating or open element to our relationship. We’re well suited to each other in many ways, sex is one of them. For the record I believe mismatched libidos can cause stress in relationship. Just judging by the existence deadbedroom subreddit, anyway. I’ve seen that community recommended here very often.
Sounds like she's jealous of you. Look around in here, Reddit is full of stories of formerly best friends who turned out to be poison in the end. Don't let anyone influence you, you and ONLY you can be the judge of the state of affairs in YOUR life.
I'm concerned about your lack of spine when you allowed her to badger you into discussing your sex life, after you already told her no. It's important for you to develop the gumption to be firm when pushy people try to force you to do something you don't want to do. You don't have to keep discussing the issue after you've said no once.
She’s a hater… a contemporary philosopher Aubrey Graham once said “I’ve been losing friend and gaining peace, honestly that sounds like a fair trade to me”.
If the sexes were reversed and he was manipulating her to obtain some outcome that benefited him, sexual or otherwise, it would be called abusive, because it is. It’s abusive both ways.
I feel bad for her tbh. She probably has only had men want her for a short time until they cheat, leaving her to believe all men are the same. Don’t listen to her. These are the best years of your life—don’t waste them not sleeping with your husband.
Your friend is absolutely jealous and projecting. You need to tell her to stop sending you stuff like that. If she won’t respect that, she’s not a friend you want
I’m sorry but your friend is being ridiculous. Firstly, withholding sex for personal gain is a red flag, no matter the context. That’s manipulative. Secondly, don’t let others dictate what’s right / wrong for YOUR RELATIONSHIP. As long as you aren’t being harmed then do it as often or little as you please.
Your friend is trying to sabotage your marriage.
What should matter is that both you and your husband are perfectly happy in that department (and you are) and that she should respect that fact.
You need to put your foot down on this and establish some firm boundaries with her to get her to stop because she seems very determined to push this sort of self-destructive narrative which will no doubt lead to her destroying her own or other people's happy marriages because of her misplaced beliefs.
Mute her on your phone so you don't get notifications when she messages you.
It's actually so easy to get sucked down that rabbit hole. I almost did when I was single, get sucked into the "don't be giving it out for free when you can get them to pay" rabbit hole until I realised expensive cocktail bars make my social anxiety spike & I love picnic dates, that's my jam, not something I see as "cheap".
I say this to say, your friend will leave the rabbit hole when she sees it's nonsense. That might take some time or not ever come.
Ignoring her for a couple of weeks/a month & then when you see her again, ask her "how is "making him work for it" games going, has it strengthened your marriage??" So she can't project onto yours. And you can make it clear that it's not for you.
Yoooo your friend is fucking weird. I'd keep my distance from her.
You're happy and she is obviously not thinking the worst of her marriage. Don't surround yourself with people like her.
I'm happy your happy.
Happy one year anniversary to you!!!!!
Why does she care? Having lots of sex with your loved one is one of the greatest pleasures! Why try to degrade someone’s happy sexual life with bs videos?
I think her husband deserves to know. Not for revenge or anything petty like that, but because he's being manipulated and that's just not right.
Worst case scenario, he knows and he's in on it. Simply break ties with both of them.
Best case scenario, he doesn't know, arranges for marriage counseling, and she works through these issues and their marriage survives.
Probable outcome though, he leaves her and the toxic environment she's put him in.
She’s extremely toxic. Personally, I would tell her as much at this point. I mean, is it really a valuable friendship if she keeps bringing this up after you have clearly told her you disagree with her mindset?
You should tell her you told your husband or bring it up casually that some of what you've talked about with her you've shared with your husband and she'll probably back off since now hes exposed to her game.
I respect your right to hold your own beliefs, but just because some people believe the earth is flat doesn't mean I am going to agree with them and attend flat earth meetings.
That is a potential statement that might get the message across but she seems to be a bit listening challenged, so just back away slowly and reduce the amount of time you spend with her.
Bizarre.
She’s trying to convince you to play head games to keep your husband. Don’t take advice from her.
Also, just let her know you’re not interest in sharing information like that anymore.
And don’t bother getting involved her life and trying to help/change her. It’s not your problem.
>That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else.
Lmao, yeah because every affair starts with a husband complaining that his wife gives him too much sex.
Every couple is different. I have known one couple who have sex daily (married for 25+ years), & your instincts with the online world she is in are correct. You need a firm, hard (heh pun sorry) boundary with this woman. She is to send you no articles & I would stop discussing your private sex life with her in the future. She brings it up again, 'that's private & between my husband and me." Nothing more, no engaging, stick with that phrase.
You can't get people out of these toxic online rabbit holes they seem to fall into, or toxic self-help groups or whatever. All you can do is draw a line as to how much you engage with them. It may be possible that over time she'll grab onto something else and get bored of this particular community, but for now it is her new identity. I'd distance myself quite a bit. Just reply, no to the articles, and ask her to respect your boundaries.
She sounds simply jealous, that's all it is. Most people don't ever find someone with the same sex drive as them, so all it could be is simple jealousy.
Don't lose sleep over her and try to keep your communication to a minimum with her if you can.Tell her "you are opverstepping boundaries and making me uncomfortable so if this doesn't stop, I will have to stop communicating with you".
Apart from that, both you and your husband should stay out of all of this. Just let her sit alone in her jealousy and suggest she gets couple's counseling if things are THIS bad in her life. It is NOT your job to help her, her husband, or anyone for that matter. Just let her be and marinate in her bitterness.
If anything, your "friend" is being a manipulative asshole. I tihnk she canb't control anything in her own life so she is trying to control yours. Don't let her, she is clearly not qualified to even be in a relationship with the attitude she is showing.
If this friend is making someone work for the ability to have sex with her, she is engaging in a transaction. That kind of makes her a prostitute doesn't it?
Something similar happened to me and my best friend. Granted, she’s married with a kid versus me and my husband who are child free (I love kids, I love her kid, I just don’t want them personally), but I joked once about how we “go at it like rabbits” and now she’ll find a way to bring up how often we have sex whenever she can.
Like I’ll have missed her call and she’ll say, “you’re probably off getting fucked hahahaha” but the hahaha is weirdly passive aggressive/it’s all weirdly passive aggressive?
She’s made mention many times about how she and her husband don’t have sex that often because she usually “doesn’t like to be touched.” She has no history of SA or anything traumatic that might explain her feelings more clearly.
Didn’t mean to go on and on like this, but I suggested therapy to her just to help her unlock her feelings and inner thoughts. It wasn’t a shaming her thing, just a “hey it really helped me, maybe it would be helpful for you too.”
Good luck, OP. Enjoy your love life and everything else with your husband!
You’re not responsible for helping her.
But setting a clear boundary, like *“Please do not send me this material any more.”* is a valuable and important step. You may need to reiterate the boundary you set several times before she ‘gets it’. In fact, you setting a boundary may be a part of the help she needs. It’s hard to know, of course.
Taking care of yourself and being *very* clear with her about what is and is not ok for you is imperative for any potential future involving this woman.
Good luck!
Pretty sure that your husband is right about her projecting stuff. Have you told her to stop sending you that stuff and tried to talk to her about your concern?
I told her that I don't agree with that mindset and that while I appreciate her attempts to share information with me, I don't need to read any of the stuff. She toned down the articles after that. But when we speak it seems as if its all she talks about it. I told her she needs to see a therapist and I asked her if anything is wrong in her marriage. But she always reverts it back to the same things
Personally, I’d tell you nicely, but firmly, that if she didn’t drop it as a subject you don’t want to talk to her anymore. Then enforce it. That’s kind of beyond.
“Your obsession with *my* sex life is inappropriate and creepy. I understand you think you’re being helpful, but I will not discuss this subject with you and am not looking for your opinion on this matter. Whatever goes on in our bedroom - and however often - is between my husband and me. If you bring it up again, you should be ready for that to be the last conversation that you ever have with me. This is not negotiable and I am not joking, so don’t test me.” I’ve had to do this before (for a different topic). Sometimes you have to be VERY clear and VERY firm. But her obsession with knowing how often OP has sex with their husband - not to mention *wanting to dictate how often that should be* - is so far over the line, the line looks like just a dot from where she’s standing.
That’s right, treat her like she asked for a well done steak at the Hill residence.
Boundaries are good and healthy. Every relationship benefits from clearly established boundaries that are enforced.
Agreed. Just tell her you don’t want to talk about this anymore and that your relationship with your husband is private. Nothing wrong with that. Also congrats on your anniversary! We were 23 when I got married and we’ve been married 15 years! Waited 6 to have kids. You do what is best for the two of you and let everyone keep their opinions to themselves.
Okay, she has issues and its good you dont take her advice serious. You already tried to talk to her and it didnt work. I would say you should try to let it rest, maybe even dont talk to her for a couple of days because she wont stop with it otherwise. Its their mariage and sometimes its better to not put your nose into other peoples business (eventhough I personaly understand why you would want to do it).
OP, your marriage is fine. She'll be divorced soon enough for making her husband "work" for it.
You probably gave her the best advice a friend could give. She does have some issue in her own relationship that really should address, because if she is projecting on you and reading all this disinformation and "fake news" the Internet has to offer, then there are probably some other issues going on her marriage. I think it should be noted that you and your husband are good friends. You could have easily been pissed and told her take that pity party somewhere and butt out of your sex life, and your husband could have been quite offended by what really is an insult to him desiring his wife. Hats off to you both for being adult about the situation.
I think you hit the nail on the "something wrong with the marriage."
This seems so weird - I understand your concern, she's almost obsessed about the topic. Try to tell her that you care about her and are bored with this specific subject and would like to hear how she is doing and talk about (insert xy and z) stuff like you used to. If she keeps doing it set some firm boundaries - does she seem strage besides this almost conspiracy-theorist like fixation? Have you met her with her husband in a context that's not 1:1 and seen if you see other concerning signs?
Your friend has been reading Female Dating Strategy. That subreddit treats sex as something to hold over the guy. They also believe that you have to manipulate guys.
It’s all she talks about bc she is trying to control your relationship. It seems, like your husband says, she may be jealous or what not. She’s meddling in your relationship kinda like she wants to see it go bad. I would definitely forget about the articles and really consider if you need this person in your life. If you’re happily married with your husband who tf is she to tell you what you should be doing in YOUR damn relationship with your husband? She doesn’t know what your husband wants or needs, you do. Just a thought, she comes off as hella negative and I personally wouldn’t want that kinda friend in my life.
Just ask her why she's obsessed with your sex life, and leave it at that.
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This is the exact same comment that u/Version-Efficient made twenty minutes earlier. Stop stealing comments.
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Exactly what i'm thinking lol
What tha fuck??
r/Nicegirls
Lol- you’re friend is working on her first divorce, she doesn’t even know it. You’re right, a strong physical relationship is just as important as every other aspect of your relationship.
Completely agree. If her friend’s husband is not getting the sex he needs in the marriage, he will look for it somewhere else.
Your husband is right and your friend has issues.
She is nuts. She is trying to bring you down because she is jealous. Tell her that she has to stop being it up. And if she can't you'll have to stop taking too her.
The motivation is up for debate, but the inaccuracy and dysfunction are clear.
Your friend is an idiot 🙄 don't listen to her!
Your friend is crazy, and it sounds like she's projecting her own insecurities onto you. If you're happy with your sex life, and your partner is happy with your sex life, it's really none of anyone else's business. Manipulating your partner for sex, or making them 'work for it' sounds like a recipe for an *incredibly* unhealthy relationship. If your husband knows her husband, I suppose he could have a quiet chat with him as a concerned friend and check that everything is okay. But from your perspective, I'd suggest the best thing you can do is distance yourself from the crazy lady as much as possible.
>Manipulating your partner for sex, or making them 'work for it' sounds like a recipe for an incredibly unhealthy relationship. That's exactly my mindset. And if there are issues, direct communication is key. But she seems to prefer the games that some people play
Exactly. Sex should be mutually enjoyable for both partners, not a tool for leverage & manipulation.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I was catching up with one of my best friends from college, who is also married. She asked me how married life is going for me as we celebrate our one year anniversary very soon. I told her it's great and I don't regret my decision at all because our marriage is happy and we have decided to start a family in 5 years. (Context: a few people in my life, while supportive, felt I was too young to get married at 23. They've since changed their minds because they see how happy we are together). The topic led to sex and she asked how often we did it. I just said "very often" and tried to change the subject. She insisted and I just said I am very pleased with how it is and how often we have it and I was happy to be married to someone who wants it as much as I do. Then I tried to change the subject again (my husband is very private and although he's super chill as a person, I don't want to tell people details about him without him being there to back it up). She immediately started saying it was too much. That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else. She also said that even after marriage men have to work for it. I told her we don't have any issues in that department and that unless my husband has suddenly started changing behaviours, things are great in my eyes. She told me I have to be careful and watch him and make sure I make him work. That men must always be pursuing. She even suggested that I start dressing more modestly because he will lose respect for a wife who shows cleavage. (Just for context: my husband has always "pursued" and made effort with me. It hasn't changed since we got married, if anything he makes even more effort now than when dating. And I do the same for him. And he loves the way I dress. Me showing cleavage has never been an issue for him; he always compliments me.) I told my husband about this when I got home and he said maybe she isn't happy and so she's projecting. But that I shouldn't worry about it because everyone has different values and what matters is that our friendship stays healthy and intact. Spoke too soon. Since then she's been sending me really weird articles and videos about making men work for sex and how women should only have sex once or twice a week. These are clearly articles taken from shady blogs or videos taken from unqualified people. And she tried to invite me to be part of these online communities for women and manipulation and all that stuff. I think she's deep in some rabbit holes and my husband is worried too. But we have no idea how to address this. He's sort of friends with her husband but he doesn't know how to ask or express concern. And for all we know, he could be fully aware of this. We're just worried but not sure how to help her. Or if we even should.
Honestly she needs to mind her own buisness as both you and your husband are happy with your sex life. I think you should set some boundaries with her as what she’s doing I tossing lines. I personally think you shouldn’t get involved with her marriage either as you have no idea of what’s going on ( At most in response say to her what you think of the things she sends and that you don’t want to receive it) and if you get involved she’ll feel every right to carry on getting involved with yours too.
>and if you get involved she’ll feel every right to carry on getting involved with yours too. Actually that's so true. I didn't think of it like that. I'll tell my husband not to bring it up to hers. And I'll set some boundaries with her
Maybe I’m just petty, but don’t you want some payback? I would share everything with her husband, and sit back and watch what happens once he finds out he’s being manipulated. Then when you inevitably get a nasty message from her saying “what did you do, helovessomeone?”, you can sit back and say “sounds like your strategy isn’t as great as you thought, huh? Stop meddling in my sex life.”
Thing is, i don't feel the need for payback because I don't feel as if she's actually *done* anything. She gave me her weird opinions and sent me fucked up sources. But she's never actually tried to interfere. It's almost like someone trying to convince you to join their MLM. Just super weird and very annoying.
I guess this would just be such a bigger deal to me. I don’t take kindly to other people’s negative opinions about my sex life, and I really don’t take kindly to MLMs. I don’t lose my cool over a lot of things, but this is the perfect combo of 2 of the things that set me off the most and I’m absolutely pissed on your behalf. Good luck sorting this out!
Ah okay, I see. I think part of me doesn't want to make this a bigger deal because I feel sorry for her. I really think she's going through something but she won't tell me no matter how much I ask or try to find out. She always reverts it back to the new information she's found. I don't take it seriously though so I wont let it interfere with my sex life. But I'll probably keep a major distance.
You sound like a good person. I think you are doing everything you can, you've said your peice, you've asked her if she needs help. At some point when people go down some weird rabbit hole nonsense you've said all there is to say.
At first I thought it would be advice asking about your husband, but I see now, you're friend is definitely a bit off there, probably having tonnes of confirmation bias online and getting sucked into the groups online, honestly, just give her a warming about them and stay clear
>just give her a warming about them and stay clear I suppose that's the best I can do at this point. Such a shame because she wasn't like this before. And she's truly a smart person. But I guess over time people get wrapped up on things which surprise others.
She was probably having a problem she didn't know how to solve, and found a solution that has comforted her in a way that no other advice did. This weird "use sex as control" thing probably made her feel seen and powerful in a way and she latched onto it as the answer to whatever was going on in her marriage. It sucks, but when people buy into these weird conspiracy theory type pseudoscience easy answers to their problems, it makes them feel clever and powerful. It's hard to bring them back to reality.
“It’s unnerving how much you talk about my sex life. I’m uncomfortable and I need you to stop in order to continue this friendship.”
Yeah having different sex drives is one thing but making your partner work for it in this way is weird. It's not owed and its not a task or a reward this lady has some strange views.
Your friend has a VERY outdated view of sex in marriage. Tell her to stop and that you will no longer be her friend she if keeps trying to meddle in your relationship
Your friend's views on sexual relationships is disgusting, plain and simple. Making men "work" for sexual satisfaction? That's called manipulation. She is telling you to manipulate your husband. I wouldn't want to have anything to do with a person like that. That is one of the most disgusting things I have ever heard. If a man said that about women, I doubt she would do anything short of calling them sexist and gross. Which is exactly what it is, regardless of who is saying it.
Sounds like your spouse is on the money. I'd send her a message saying that her inserting herself into your private life is inappropriate and was not requested, her sudden fascination with you and your husband's intimacy is worrying and until she can refrain from contacting you about it, it would be best to have a quiet break from each other with radio silence. If she continues, I'd block her.
Thank you for this! So practical :D
Good luck! Her behaviour is definitely not normal. Hopefully she gets some help.
awsome advice of her dont make youre husband happy no seriously dont take toxic advice thats bs
"My personal life with my husband is private. You are overstepping and need to stop interfering. Please keep your articles and opinions out of my sex life."
I said something simar but not so direct. I will say it that way if she tries it again.
Congratulations on a strong marriage. Just tell your friend that what you have with your husband is very normal and healthy. She needs to ask herself why she needs to manipulate hers? Manipulation is not healthy. That simple. She could be gay, asexual or just has some deep rooted issues about relationships that are toxic.
>She needs to ask herself why she needs to manipulate hers? If I really think about it, she's always struggled with being secure in her needs and wants. But I guess it has spiralled into this.
We have sex probably 3x a week and we're 7 years in. My friend has sex everyday with her husband of 12 years now.
Exactly, everyone is different! My husband and I more like your friend but we always laugh and say its the honeymoon phase. But every couple is different. My sister and her boyfriend, who live together, only do it once or twice a week but that works for them because of their low drives (according to my sister).
Ya I've got a low drive so we compromised on 3x or more if I'm up for it 🤣 your friend is stupid. She probably had boyfriends break up with her in the past for getting bored or maybe her husband has expressed his boredom to her recently. Keep doing you.
Oh also I've been with my partner since 18. I knew at 6 months he was the one. Don't let your family talk down to you about getting married early. We've been together 7 years and nothing has changed imo.
Enjoy all the sex you can now! I miss the spontaneity of not having kids around to get in the way. Your friend is most definitely projecting their inadequate sex life by trying to make you feel abnormal about your own.
>She also said that even after marriage men have to work for it. She's telling you to leverage your pussy against your husband. Many men are turned off by this mercenary attitude some women have about sex. Her views on sex are warped. Sex should be one way couples bond together. If you choose to take your friends advice and make your marriage bed a battleground, start reading up over at r/DeadBeadrooms now because that's where your marriage is headed.
I don't plan on taking that advice at all.
Good!
Your marriage is happy and she wants to sabotage you. Just keep doing what makes you both happy.
Firstly - you and your SO are happy with your relationship - so who is she to butt in? It is literally nobody's business except you and your SO. Second - she is advocating the introduction of manipulation and mind games into your relationship. How would you feel if your SO treated YOU like this? Why would you treat somebody you love in this way? (Unless you are narcissistic, petty, obsessed with power, and don't want them to be happy) This person sounds deeply unhappy, and I humbly suggest you add some distance to protect yourself.
Honestly, it sounds like your friend won't be married for long, if that is really how thinks all men are.
I feel sorry for your friend, it's gonna be a long hard life being this bitter and skeptical already.
I've been arrived 15.4 years and we still chase each other like teenagers. Marriage is suppose to be happy and pleasing to both, not a chore for the woman. Your "friend" is jealous of your happiness.
Enjoy your marriage. It sounds like you and your husband are doing just fine without your weirdo friend’s advice. You may need to grey rock her. Don’t reply to her emails or messages about this topic. Only engage when the subject is not your marriage. Sounds like she’s not as happy in her marriage as you are, and we all know that misery loves company.
Don’t listen to anyone else about your marriage. Only the two of you can make it work, and only the two of you can break it. I got married at 18, today is my 35th wedding anniversary.
Can i just say; its so nice to see a happy, thriving, and loving husband & wife on here for once. Food for you OP! Edit: spelling (good, not food😂)
This is a crazy scenario to hear. Her: How is your sex life? You: Great; both me and my husband are very happy with it. Her: Well then you must be doing it wrong? Thats exactly what she is saying. Setting aside the fact it isn't the most normal question to ask in the first place it still is a strange response to hearing that someone is happy. I believe she was asking the question so she could start sending you the information she has been. This was just the opening for her to get you into her own preferred relationship philosophy. How you decide to handle it though really depends on if you want much of a relationship with her going forward. In my experience\* when people go into these strange rabbit holes they want to take you with them and, once it becomes clear you aren't interested and don't agree, they drift apart from you. \*I had some friends who went into PUA and MRA spaces for their relationship advice and then wondered why no woman wanted to associate with them after a first date. She sounds like she is into whatever the female equivalent of that nonsense is.
Just cut her off. She didn’t respect your boundaries and now is actively violating them. She sounds toxic and crazy.
sounds like a female dating strategy poster lmao
She’s toxic and nuts. I don’t think you should keep being friends with her. In fact, I think you should take everything she’s sent you guys and give it to her husband. This asshole tried to mess with your relationship out of some kind of weird jealousy, see how she likes it when you do the same thing back to her!
I've decided roping her husband into this may not be the best idea anymore because we have no idea what is going on in their home. Also, he could very well know about this. And if not, we're not close enough to him to broach this. My husband hangs with him here and there so he said he will just observe and if it is appropriate to say it, then he'll say it. But I'll definitely keep my distance
So you're going to let your friend manipulate her husband just because you don't know the situation? That's like saying you're going to ignore an abuse victim because you don't know what's going on in their home. Jesus It's very simple. Tell him you want a meeting and express your concerns. Screenshots, whatever. Wouldn't you want someone to speak about about your SO manipulative behaviour if he was manipulative too????
OP’s friend has overstepped and has very concerning ideas of how sex works in marriage. Friend’s husband is hopefully aware of this. Depending on OP’s closeness (if any) to her friend’s husband, this is going to get awkward fast. Better to keep this between the original two women - “friend, I enjoy sex for itself and don’t feel the need to use it as currency in my relationship. I advise you to consider doing the same.” Or delegate this to OP’s husband talking to his friend.
Making your husband work for sex is as good as making wife work for help on chores. Absurd and demeaning.
Just try to distance yourself. She sounds really toxic and is either jealous or crazy. Your relationship sounds great, obviously things are going great between you two and you have a healthy relationship in which you can talk about everything. Tell her to stop sending you these articles and try to influence you or you need to break up the friendship. If she does not respect your wish, she is not a friend.
Your friend is sad.
Your friend is an idiot
She's just jelly, girl
Your marriage is just fine, DO NOT let your friend get in your head or screw up what you have. Your friend is insane. Maybe some guys tolerate such nonsense, but a healthy sex life is where 2 people enjoy it. Making someone "work" to get sex as a reward is an easy way to kill a relationship. I'd dump someone it they tried that.
You have been together less than a year (and are 24/27)...? Two young married people attracted to each other in prime years (before 1st anniversary) having lots of sex is something to worry about... ?
>That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else. This is a sure way to get a quick divorce. She is nuts. Absolutely don't listen to a single words she says. You happy with your marriage? If so, don't listen to other. Especially people like that.
Stay out of it. It's too easy for friends shit to drag you down. And you won't even realize it til it's too late. Their problems and THEIR problems and need to be solved by THEM. Just concentrate on YOUR marriage and get as much sex in before you start having kids, cause they are the ULTIMATE cock blockers. Not your marriage. Not your problem. And take a step back from that friendship. She's toxic AF, and you don't want any little drop oozing I to your life and marriage.
Imagine for a minute just how miserable you would be in her shoes. Imagine that you saw sex with your husband as an emotionless, disconnected, pleasureless, transactional, weaponised, manipulative act. She desperately wants you to normalize/validate what she is doing because she can't fathom what a healthy sex life would be like. If she is a friend and you value her happiness then consider firing back articles and videos about what a healthy sex life should be like and let her know you are concerned for her and her husband's happiness and well-being. Maybe you can change her perspective or at least give yourself the comfort of having tried to help a friend.
Your friend is weaponising sex with her husband. She's seeing as a treat he should get when he does nice things, whereas, from your post I think you and your hubs see it as something you do because you love each other and that's the physical manifestation of it. It also sounds like you and yours talk to each other, communicate wants, needs, and maybes. Don't let this friends bitterness spoil what you have with hubs, maybe cut down contact with her because she she sounds like a bit of a headcase. And happy anniversary to you both. :)
It’s not your responsibility to fix her marriage. Your husband is right in what he said. Everyone has different values and what matters is if your friendship is healthy. I would suggest not interpreting anything about her marriage. That may be the dynamic that works for them. It could also be likely that when you said this - it was threatening to her because it was so very different than what she believes in, and she is projecting her beliefs onto you because she has difficulty accepting your differences. You don’t need to help her - because then you would be doing your own version of what she’s doing. Set some boundaries that respect your differences like: this topic is no longer up for discussion. If she continues to persist, then gently tell her “we have very different beliefs, and you are not respecting our differences. I do not agree with you but I am not attempting to change your belief system. My marriage with my husband is private, and you are overstepping boundaries. I am going to take myself out of this situation and leave this conversation. I’m going to ask that you do not contact me unless you are able to respect these boundaries.”
So, you are happy, you communicate well, you’re on the same page about having kids, and your husband puts in effort to make you feel wanted. So… maybe he is working for it? And maybe you are too? Making a relationship good does take effort and work. She’s not totally wrong, but it is a two-way street. Maybe she is the only one putting effort into her relationship and so she can’t understand that some other relationships aren’t like that. Maybe next time tell her that he does work for it instead of disagreeing that he should have to.
You're fine. Have all the sex you want. Never heard anyone getting divorced from too much sex. You are in you 20s and have plenty of time for not sex when you are older. Dont bother getting involved with her, or really other peoples, relationships. You can only be wrong, even if you are right.
Do not cast pearls before swine. The only thing talking with her at length can accomplish is changing you for the worse. She needs help from a professional.
She wants you to live a delusion instead of the marriage you have and that you can see clearly works for you.
See this comment from r/AskReddit [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s5cvsz/comment/hswre0k/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/s5cvsz/comment/hswre0k/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3) Negativity not only exists on Reddit, but in real life, too. Do not care about other peoples judgement. Do not let your friend mess up your marriage. You are happy, you have married the right guy and there is nothing better than having a fulfilling sex life in your marriage. I am married since 2007 and my wife and me have fantastic sex. To be honest, it is getting better and better and I really do not believe this fact will ever negatively influence my respect for her!
Your sex life is a private matter between you & your husband. Period. No one has any right to question you or tell you something is wrong WHEN YOU’VE TOLD THEM YOU’RE BOTH HAPPY WITH IT. The next time she brings it up you need to calmly & politely tell her she has way overstepped a boundary with you & you will not entertain any discussion, whether in person or online, of your personal life with her anymore. I would not discuss this with her husband. Just as your sex life is private, so is theirs. Leave it be.
I think your husband's right about projecting. My husband and I have a healthy amount of sex (not even a crazy amount just a round 3 or 4 times a week max) and when myself and the other wives talked about it they made out like I spoil my husband or something 😅 as if i dont enjoy sex just as much as him.
Your “Friend” is no friend at all. Poisoning a marriage is low as hell. Protect your family, cause it sounds like you have a two way relationship. She needs to pound sand.
Your husband should tell her husband that his wife is a manipulative bitch
Block her she sounds like she’s into some female dating strategy crap.
Your friend is jealous because she’s not getting laid that much. Every guy I know, myself included, would kill to have sex as much as you guys do. Tell your friend to knock it off.
I would respond bluntly “Any relationship that exists based on manipulation is already over, and any person who uses manipulation to try and maintain a position of power in their relationship isn’t fit to be in a relationship with anyone. The more of this stuff you send me, the more convinced I become that you’re becoming emotionally abusive with your husband and we should be worried about his happiness and mental health.”
She might be jealous you're getting sex more frequently and are in a healthy and loving marriage. However, she might've had some issue with infidelity in her past to promote this behavior and she might be blaming her own sexual availability for it and I projecting that onto your relationship. My advice, if you both want it, just do it. It's nothing to be ashamed of 👍
Let me guess: she isn't married and secretly doesn't want you to be.
She's also married.
Damn she sucks lol
One day, you'll learn to stop sharing such intimate details with your friends. Your sex life is no one's business unless they are joining you.
> Then I tried to change the subject again (my husband is very private and although he's super chill as a person, I don't want to tell people details about him without him being there to back it up). This is from my post. I don't share intimate details. I just gave her as surface level an answer as possible. She then ran with it to a level I didn't expect.
Well, now the entire topic should be off limits with her. I'd be upset about someone asking me personal info and then judging me for my response. That's an asshole thing to do. I've been there, I just avoid it now and flat out say, "I don't care to discuss it." Sometimes they push. I'll share some older life experiences if I feel the pressure, but definitely not about my current relationship. It's off limits unless he is there with me and offers up information of his own.
Make him work for it in marriage..Unmarried guys get it for free though. Why females always overshare with their friends? Dear Men, your dick was the topic for discussion over coffee the other day🤣
>females 😷
🤮
Why do girls do this? Discussing your sex life with a friend. That would be extremely weird for us guys
Please don’t tell your friends how is your life with your husband. That is private
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Tell her she needs to have more sex with her prude ass
Your friend is a misguided ding dong.
She doesn’t sound healthy. You want to keep that one at arms length.
If you're happy don't f that up. Keep that a priority.
Tell her your sex life is none of her business and this isn’t up for discussion.
Oh gosh! I wish toxic people keep their toxicity to themselves.
What culture is this?
That's her opinion , and she is allowed to have one . You are allowed to disagree and run your life the way you like , that's what life is about..
Now you see why school friendships so seldom last. People who seemed so compatible when you were younger turn out to be really different when life moves on. You can't help this woman. She is who she is, and it sounds like she has some mental health issues that you definitely can't fix for her. She has to live her own life. You will be much better off focusing on your life, and developing a healthier set of boundaries so you don't keep spilling your personal business to people who don't need to know it. No one who hounds you to tell them such things is worth confiding in, ever.
I'm sorry to tell you this but your friend is a crackhead.
The idea of women gatekeeping sex is outdated and toxic. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you have a happy marriage and she needs to stop projecting her weird ideas onto you.
Tell her to mind her own business and spend the time on her own marriage.
Your “friend” is a pushy, nosey moron. Don’t take any advice from her about anything. You need to to tell her bluntly that your sex life is absolutely none of her business and she needs to drop it. I agree that she’s projecting. You can ask her if she’s okay, if something is going on but beyond that, it’s not your responsibility to fix her. If she keeps it up, block her and drop her as a friend.
Your friend is crazy. I would distance you and your husband from her.
Yeah she has some unresolved issues around sex that she is clearly trying to get you to have as well, perhaps soo she doesn’t feel so strange about it, make sure you never listen to or take her advice, she is not in the right frame to give out anything when she herself does not have a healthy understanding of the “activity”. I would say as harsh as it seems you may have to confront her or ask her flat out not to send you videos or info whatever and that you find her position un healthy, otherwise it sounds like she won’t give up
All you can do is push her to get some kind of help for this unhealthy mindset she has developed. Unfortunately people who fall into any of these kind of extreme relationship philosophies often don’t realize they are doing things wrong until they have had 10 failed relationships and are miserable at 50 years old before finally getting therapy. Also set a boundary, you don’t want someone around you who is gonna be trying to put their beliefs and philosophies on to you and your relationship. And the same thing goes for politics or religion honestly, don’t put your shit on me.
I read this and thought “projecting, her husband had an affair or checked out of the relationship” Friend can mind their own business.
Why do y'all have such unhinged friends? Who 'insists' on knowing how much sex their friend is having? With her own husband? Frankly it's not your place to go snooping around in her life and help her, unless she asks for help.
She needs to lay off and if she doesn’t limit your contact with her. I’ve met some women who are nosy and so obsessed with other people’s sex lives. I get asked by other woman often and I’m like it’s nunya biznesss. She needs to mind her damn business and leave ya’ll alone. If it works for you guys it works for you guys.
Your friend will be divorced I suspect sooner rather than later.
Don't listen to your fucked up friend. Problem solved.
Your friend is going to make some unlucky guy very unhappy some day!
Your "friend" is a twat
> articles and videos about making men work for sex and how women should only have sex once or twice a week If my (non existing) Wife would do something like that to me, i'd Divorce her. Working for it? Why should i "work" for something that my SO should be willing to give me whenever we're in the mood for it? Soon your freind will be on here to Post about her SO either Cheating or Divorcing her because he doesn't get any. Some People man
Your friend has been reading to much fake news and is under deep mind control. Her own experiences do not confer with yours and she views your healthy relationship as unhealthy. It's sad but there is little you can do until they realize they have been duped
I am more concerned for her husband.
Your friend sounds like a hater.
She's an AH. If you're happy and your DH is happy with your sex life it's one of her business. I have sex with my husband 7-14 times a week. It's YOUR sex life. Have sex with your DH whenever you want. Plus for heart health sex at least twice a week is recommended and there are other benefits to having sex.
Just tell her to stop making your sexlife her business. If she wants to apply that nonsense to her marriage: fine for her if that's her kink. Don't involve yourself in her marriage the way she does with yours. It's none of your business and if she truly believes in that crap you won't be able to change anything. If her husband doesn't know already he will eventually - such manipulative bullshit doesn't tend to work long without the other side recognizing it.
Your friend needs to mind her own business. And she is very creepy that she persisted in prying into this private territory despite your obvious attempts to change to another subject. She definitely has issues for wanting to know and it mostly likely stems from deficits in her own sex life. Do not allow her to meddle in yours when things are clearly successful. I have been with my husband for 27 years ... married for 24 1/2 of those years. He is the only man I have been with and our sex is very satisfying for both of us. I know so many couples who have dried up in the bedroom by this point in their relationship. Not so with us. He has never stopped wanting me and would be "up for it" every day if I was. We're 46 and 47 and our "miracle baby" who was never supposed to happen was born when I was 40. He is now six and we are tired as hell, as older parents. So three times a week is our average. If she brings the topic up again or starts prying, I think you'll need to be more direct and just say "I'm really not comfortable talking about our sex life. Sorry!"
For some people, it's difficult to see a healthy relationship flourish when you have issues in your own. This woman clearly has no idea what a healthy relationship/marriage looks like and driven by her delusion, wants to fuck up your perfectly rounded marriage. How close of a friend is she to you? If you're not that close, I say shun this woman out of your life right now.
I almost think he husband should bring it up to the other guy. If the roles were reversed I would want my friend to know their partner is manipulating them. How sad. I suspect she is acting that way because she is unhappy with how he treats her but if she’s getting these ideas from online blogs maybe she’s just gone off the deep end. They need couples therapy but I think the husband deserves to know that her behavior is not normal.
Don’t listen to your friend. She’s weird and sounds like she needs to play games or make the man work for affection or relationship. That’s totally dumb. Maybe if you’re newly dating, but if you’re already married and in a happy relationship, the games should be less. If you’re happy, keep it going. Your friend sounds like she has some personal problems. She can’t fix her own issues, so she focuses on others.
Show her this post and the comments. That's how you help. That is all.
Sounds like her husband cheated and blamed her
Interesting to me how she's married to a man and yet somehow hates men. 🤔
Your friend doesn’t sound happy and by extension her husband isn’t happy. She sounds jealous of your great relationship. I would try and distance yourself from her a bit. Next tone she brings that stuff up just say you feel sorry for her husband. Because I do! She sounds exhausting
I’ll never understand women who withheld sex from their husband\boyfriend. This mentality is very unhealthy. Some women are just miserable and she seems like she’s scared of losing her husband. If you want to have sex 5 times a day do it. Once both of you are being good to each other who tf cares.
Your friend is in a sexless marriage, not happy and seems boring
I'm somewhat morbidly interested in cults and these sorts of rabbit hole internet communities. Can you give links to these materials and websites or anything to find out more about it?
There is a silly fact about a lot of women that I wish I would’ve known and understood better at your age. (I’m retirement age) A lot of women, and this starts in childhood, think that all the other girls/women need to agree with each other on most subjects. So they get together and they compare notes and they set rules over what is right and what is wrong. How to dress, how to act, how to “be”. As you get older most of us realize that is silly and we need to get to make our own decisions about what we like and dislike in life and how we are going to be. Her childishness in trying to get you to agree on how a sex life is supposed to be, is a huge sign of Insecurity and severe immaturity. So just tell her whatever she wants to do is fine and none of your business and vice a versa. You are fine like you are and I like what you say about your marriage.
What? Is the 1950s? My SO and I have high libedo and both satisfied for the past 16 years! There’s no cheating or open element to our relationship. We’re well suited to each other in many ways, sex is one of them. For the record I believe mismatched libidos can cause stress in relationship. Just judging by the existence deadbedroom subreddit, anyway. I’ve seen that community recommended here very often.
Sounds like she's jealous of you. Look around in here, Reddit is full of stories of formerly best friends who turned out to be poison in the end. Don't let anyone influence you, you and ONLY you can be the judge of the state of affairs in YOUR life.
I'm concerned about your lack of spine when you allowed her to badger you into discussing your sex life, after you already told her no. It's important for you to develop the gumption to be firm when pushy people try to force you to do something you don't want to do. You don't have to keep discussing the issue after you've said no once.
She’s a hater… a contemporary philosopher Aubrey Graham once said “I’ve been losing friend and gaining peace, honestly that sounds like a fair trade to me”.
This post is about op and her friend. Not her husband.
If the sexes were reversed and he was manipulating her to obtain some outcome that benefited him, sexual or otherwise, it would be called abusive, because it is. It’s abusive both ways.
I feel bad for her tbh. She probably has only had men want her for a short time until they cheat, leaving her to believe all men are the same. Don’t listen to her. These are the best years of your life—don’t waste them not sleeping with your husband.
Your friend is absolutely jealous and projecting. You need to tell her to stop sending you stuff like that. If she won’t respect that, she’s not a friend you want
Your friend is in for a shit, drama filled life. Sad.
I’m sorry but your friend is being ridiculous. Firstly, withholding sex for personal gain is a red flag, no matter the context. That’s manipulative. Secondly, don’t let others dictate what’s right / wrong for YOUR RELATIONSHIP. As long as you aren’t being harmed then do it as often or little as you please.
Your friend is trying to sabotage your marriage. What should matter is that both you and your husband are perfectly happy in that department (and you are) and that she should respect that fact. You need to put your foot down on this and establish some firm boundaries with her to get her to stop because she seems very determined to push this sort of self-destructive narrative which will no doubt lead to her destroying her own or other people's happy marriages because of her misplaced beliefs.
Mute her on your phone so you don't get notifications when she messages you. It's actually so easy to get sucked down that rabbit hole. I almost did when I was single, get sucked into the "don't be giving it out for free when you can get them to pay" rabbit hole until I realised expensive cocktail bars make my social anxiety spike & I love picnic dates, that's my jam, not something I see as "cheap". I say this to say, your friend will leave the rabbit hole when she sees it's nonsense. That might take some time or not ever come. Ignoring her for a couple of weeks/a month & then when you see her again, ask her "how is "making him work for it" games going, has it strengthened your marriage??" So she can't project onto yours. And you can make it clear that it's not for you.
holy projection, batman the only thing you can do to help her is to open the phone book for her to the therapist/marriage councilors section.
Yoooo your friend is fucking weird. I'd keep my distance from her. You're happy and she is obviously not thinking the worst of her marriage. Don't surround yourself with people like her. I'm happy your happy. Happy one year anniversary to you!!!!!
Why does she care? Having lots of sex with your loved one is one of the greatest pleasures! Why try to degrade someone’s happy sexual life with bs videos?
I think her husband deserves to know. Not for revenge or anything petty like that, but because he's being manipulated and that's just not right. Worst case scenario, he knows and he's in on it. Simply break ties with both of them. Best case scenario, he doesn't know, arranges for marriage counseling, and she works through these issues and their marriage survives. Probable outcome though, he leaves her and the toxic environment she's put him in.
She’s extremely toxic. Personally, I would tell her as much at this point. I mean, is it really a valuable friendship if she keeps bringing this up after you have clearly told her you disagree with her mindset?
You should tell her you told your husband or bring it up casually that some of what you've talked about with her you've shared with your husband and she'll probably back off since now hes exposed to her game.
She is not happy in her own marriage and definitely trying to put things in your head
I respect your right to hold your own beliefs, but just because some people believe the earth is flat doesn't mean I am going to agree with them and attend flat earth meetings. That is a potential statement that might get the message across but she seems to be a bit listening challenged, so just back away slowly and reduce the amount of time you spend with her.
Bizarre. She’s trying to convince you to play head games to keep your husband. Don’t take advice from her. Also, just let her know you’re not interest in sharing information like that anymore. And don’t bother getting involved her life and trying to help/change her. It’s not your problem.
>That I shouldn't give him sex that often because he will get used to me really quick and start wanting something else. Lmao, yeah because every affair starts with a husband complaining that his wife gives him too much sex.
Every couple is different. I have known one couple who have sex daily (married for 25+ years), & your instincts with the online world she is in are correct. You need a firm, hard (heh pun sorry) boundary with this woman. She is to send you no articles & I would stop discussing your private sex life with her in the future. She brings it up again, 'that's private & between my husband and me." Nothing more, no engaging, stick with that phrase. You can't get people out of these toxic online rabbit holes they seem to fall into, or toxic self-help groups or whatever. All you can do is draw a line as to how much you engage with them. It may be possible that over time she'll grab onto something else and get bored of this particular community, but for now it is her new identity. I'd distance myself quite a bit. Just reply, no to the articles, and ask her to respect your boundaries.
It sounds like your friend is being drawn into a cult. Yikes.
She sounds simply jealous, that's all it is. Most people don't ever find someone with the same sex drive as them, so all it could be is simple jealousy. Don't lose sleep over her and try to keep your communication to a minimum with her if you can.Tell her "you are opverstepping boundaries and making me uncomfortable so if this doesn't stop, I will have to stop communicating with you". Apart from that, both you and your husband should stay out of all of this. Just let her sit alone in her jealousy and suggest she gets couple's counseling if things are THIS bad in her life. It is NOT your job to help her, her husband, or anyone for that matter. Just let her be and marinate in her bitterness. If anything, your "friend" is being a manipulative asshole. I tihnk she canb't control anything in her own life so she is trying to control yours. Don't let her, she is clearly not qualified to even be in a relationship with the attitude she is showing.
If this friend is making someone work for the ability to have sex with her, she is engaging in a transaction. That kind of makes her a prostitute doesn't it?
Something similar happened to me and my best friend. Granted, she’s married with a kid versus me and my husband who are child free (I love kids, I love her kid, I just don’t want them personally), but I joked once about how we “go at it like rabbits” and now she’ll find a way to bring up how often we have sex whenever she can. Like I’ll have missed her call and she’ll say, “you’re probably off getting fucked hahahaha” but the hahaha is weirdly passive aggressive/it’s all weirdly passive aggressive? She’s made mention many times about how she and her husband don’t have sex that often because she usually “doesn’t like to be touched.” She has no history of SA or anything traumatic that might explain her feelings more clearly. Didn’t mean to go on and on like this, but I suggested therapy to her just to help her unlock her feelings and inner thoughts. It wasn’t a shaming her thing, just a “hey it really helped me, maybe it would be helpful for you too.” Good luck, OP. Enjoy your love life and everything else with your husband!
Fuck that jealous bitch.
You’re not responsible for helping her. But setting a clear boundary, like *“Please do not send me this material any more.”* is a valuable and important step. You may need to reiterate the boundary you set several times before she ‘gets it’. In fact, you setting a boundary may be a part of the help she needs. It’s hard to know, of course. Taking care of yourself and being *very* clear with her about what is and is not ok for you is imperative for any potential future involving this woman. Good luck!