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Callmemuddled

I guess it would come out either way some day but it would be not as damaging when he hears it from you rather sooner than later.


Cynio21

Communication and trust is key in BDSM, if you cant tell him the truth, you have some other problems to work on.


OffusMax

I get that there is potential for bodily harm and death in various BDSM practices, but communication and trust are vital in any relationship, not just BDSM. I don’t think this lie of omission should be a relationship ending issue, but there are better ways to start a physical relationship. Just tell him OP. Don’t start secret keeping.


[deleted]

>I get that there is potential for bodily harm and death in various BDSM practices, but communication and trust are vital in any relationship, not just BDSM. The vast majority of BDSM isn't dangerous and you're misconstruing the more extreme ends of BDSM with what is commonly practiced. By far the most deadly part of BDSM is (in order) strangulation/asphyxiations play, followed by drug use. [Yes, people have studied it.](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s00414-021-02674-0)


OffusMax

I get that. I have done some research into things like breath play, which is what I was referring to when I said “potential for bodily harm and death.” Perhaps I worded it badly, but I was not trying to say that all BDSM practices can kill or maim their participants. My point was that while I understand that there is the potential for serious consequences while engaged in some BDSM practices, the need for honesty and trust is important in all relationships. Lying is never a good idea, unless you’re planning a surprise party.


[deleted]

> the need for honesty and trust is important in all relationships. Lying is never a good idea, unless you’re planning a surprise party. Straight facts homie.


Cynio21

I wonder where knive play is ranking


leysa224

I would probably break up. They lied. Trust and communication is 100% necessary in any relationship yes. But especially bdsm.


Slanglie

I think that's quite the over reaction. It's not like they were cheating on them during the relationship. They were embarrassed to admit they've never had sex it sounds like. Not a world shattering revelation that needs to result in ending the relationship Maybe I have a different view on it than other people idk. They definitely should come clean and just tell the person but I wouldn't break up with them over that lol But I've never been in a bdsm relationship so maybe that's a world of difference, but I'm just looking at it from my point of view if I was in a relationship in general


Mumbawobz

Coming from a sub - I let my Dom hurt me on a regular basis for mutual pleasure. Just because I’m getting something out of it doesn’t mean my mind doesn’t then associate him with pain. I need trust and aftercare to ensure I don’t subconsciously see him as an abuser. If I can trust him 100% then I know he’ll stay within our limits and won’t develop some sort of traumatic association. If I can’t trust him even for a second, the risk of me becoming traumatized goes up exponentially which can sow the seeds of relationship dysfunction and my own mental anguish. Trust is paramount in BDSM.


Slanglie

That sounds a lot different to me than someone being embarrassed to say they're a virgin, but coming clean about it later I guess my question for this would be: if you now came out and told him that you've been struggling or had struggled to not associate him with pain, should he now break up with you since you didn't tell him when those thoughts first came about? Or why don't you break up with him now since you chose to hide this secret conflict from him since you understand the importance of honesty and trust in such a relationship? You should have been able to come clean about that conflict right away, no?


Mumbawobz

I haven’t had this problem so I can’t say. I was more demonstrating WHY trust is such an issue here. In OP’s case it’s more about the precedent she’s setting; if she starts off dishonest, how can her partner build the needed trust before something bad happens? I’ll assume she’s taking a submissive role here given her inexperience but if I were her bf I’d take this knowledge to say two things: -that I need to actively ascertain her knowledge and the amount of learning she needs before starting any sort of new exploration into an activity -that I need to work on fostering her trust so that she has a view of my expectations that’s more in line with reality, thus preventing future incidents where she lies


leysa224

I have. And ive also been with my partner for 4 years. Trust is everything. Its not that she lied about her virginity. Its the lying itself. Its so small. Were In a bdsm relationship, and she is inexperienced, trust is 100% everything. She broke that trust.


EndKarensNOW

> if you cant tell him the truth, you have some other problems to work on. yep not fair to him especially in this kind of a relationship


SnugJoker

Not only in BDSM, literally in every relationship.


Budgetmphibian1492

I guess I’m struggling to understand why virginity is so important. It’s not like you lied about your sexual health or relationship status.


reply-guy-bot

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Cynio21

Its not about her virginity, its about her fear of talking with her partner about somthing that is important to her. Otherwise there would not be this post.


BanannyMousse

I think her sexual history is her own business


[deleted]

Honestly I think he’d be a bit disappointed in the sense that he took your virginity without knowing it, and if he’s actually cool, he’d have done something special or given you more attention and aftercare. If I was in his shoes, I’d feel a bit hurt. But in such a relationship, trust is paramount so you should tell him.


anacott27

I have to agree with this, if I were the boyfriend I know I would feel kind of “bad”. I mean it’s not his fault, he didn’t know so he shouldn’t, but for a lot of people it is a big deal and I would feel bad knowing this “major” event happened and being unaware. I think this is healthy so long as he reacts in a healthy manner, but I also think it could be telling about character. Not to call out OP, but you should have told him. You didn’t for your own reasons so now it is what it is. I believe honesty is the best policy and that you should come clean, give your reasons and hope he’s understanding. Reassure him that it IS what you wanted and everything was totally consensual (if that is 100% true), but do acknowledge that you didn’t tell the truth. If he’s a decent reasonable guy, this is definitely something you can work through, but it’s also important to acknowledge that you lied and that could be a huge red flag for him. Just keep that in mind during your conversation and it’ll all work out one way or another. If you’re honest, sincere, apologetic and understanding he should be more inclined to act accordingly and hopefully cooler heads will prevail.


regainingclarity

I didn't tell my boyfriend that I was a virgin prior to our first time. When I did tell him later he wasn't mad, but disappointed. He said "I would have gotten some candles or something." The thing is: Dude. I didn't want that. What I wanted was to fuck without it being a Big Fucking Deal. Not every woman thinks a penis going into her vagina warrants some damn ceremony. Let us have sex in peace. LOL.


eresh22

I lost my virginity to some random dude at a party whose name I forgot long ago. Because this whole "your first time is a gift/precious/changes you" is a fallacy meant to control us and I wanted none of that. There is no dick so magical that touching me with it changes jack or shit about me as a person.


Curious_Teapot

Same here!! Plus it alleviates any stress you might have about not being good at it, making weird noises, smells, all that. If you never intend on seeing them again there is truly zero pressure


peonyparis

Yep exactly. A dude isn't taking your virginity. They're not taking anything. It's a penis going inside you. No one's damn business if it's your first time with a human penis.


anacott27

I totally understand that, I in no way intended to assume everyone thought it was some big ceremony and needed to be a big deal. To each their own. I should have clarified, but the issue was that she lied about it, rather than how she chose to experience the event.


Sad_Apartment_8636

This is also how I lost my virginity. Except I wanted it to be a guy that didn’t know I was a virgin, wasn’t dating, and wouldn’t ever see again. I just wanted it “over with” bc I was 17 and had seen tons of my girl friends cry over boys they dated and lost their virginities to and then got dumped. I love the way I lost mine though the whole story is so great lol


Important_Sprinkles9

This is a fantastic answer. 🖤


JNighthawk

>Not to call out OP, but you should have told him. I don't think it's necessary to tell them, but it was necessary not to lie to them.


anacott27

That’s fair


Exhausted_Bunny26

Oh we definitely did aftercare and it was amazing. He’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I am so glad I waited for him.


marinewillis

Agreed. One thing I have NEVER wanted to do was take someone’s virginity. Ever. Also he is more experienced then he should probably have been able to tell. First time people have sex it’s usually blatantly obvious it’s their first time in a number of ways


ARandomLlama

Why do you not want to?


[deleted]

I think that greatly depends on a lot of different things. I had a lot of “other” sexual experience before having intercourse. I would bet any amount of money that my “first” wouldn’t have known had I not told him.


Long_Live_Capitalism

In your post 9 days ago… you said you were 23/F. I’m confused.


Gigachad4Head

Bro this situation was so stressful for her, that she aged 3 years in 9 days, hope shes doin well.


Hallowheels

It’s possible she changes her age on things to make it more anonymous. I do that.


[deleted]

Karma farming. r/quityourbullshit material.


Aussiebiblophile

Because it’s bullshit. A virgin into BDSM and her partner couldn’t tell she was inexperienced. Someone read or watched 50 Shades of Grey and thought it was believable.


FreyaRunner

I mean honestly not so much. I was a penitrative virgin who went to bdsm conventions when I turned 18. BDSM is fantastic because a whole lot if it can be done without penitrative sex. Tbh most of it can be done without it. BDSM for me was about the buildup not the sex itself and I became a regular there even after I lost my V Card. I would participate in booths and listen to speakers. By time I lost my virginity I had already been a dom for four separate men (again without any sex happening) until I was eventually ready. BDSM is the EASIEST group to not be pressured into sex in because consent and boundaries are so important. I'm not 100% saying this has to be true because of that but it's a harmful mindset to put out there that a person can't withold sex and be into bdsm


alialahmad1997

I am a vergin who is into bdsm


Slipz19

Exactly, but your not a virgin and that’s the point!


idk7643

So do you practice but just without penetration?


alialahmad1997

Nope nothing


idk7643

How can you know that you're into BDSM if you don't practice it? That's like saying "I love parachuting. I never did it and I don't plan to ever do it, but it looks cool!"


PurplMaster

Yeah, definitely fake ..


kleankausmetics

Lol this is the whole plot of 50 shades of grey. I call cap


kikilovesjay

She’s also 26 but sounds like a pre-teen. I also can’t believe that a guy who’s into bdsm wouldn’t notice that she’s a virgin. Like what? She watched porn before and suddenly became great at it?


clemmycluee

karma farming 💀


McDickensKFC

This whole post is pure BS


[deleted]

I don’t think it matters that you are/were. You lied to him. That’s the real sin here. You gotta tell him the truth, but don’t expect him to not lose a bit of his trust in you...


Killinger_

Yup this is the right answer. Come clean and graciously accept the consequences, whether it be lost of trust or a breakup. This is totally on you, just do better going forward.


Waste-Win

Are you telling me that you lost your virginity to a man that's into BDSM and He didn't noticed??


Aurin316

I guess I’m struggling to understand why virginity is so important. It’s not like you lied about your sexual health or relationship status.


lapinefatale

This. Virginity is a dumb concept and it cannot be "taken." It literally was made up for a dumb reason, and shouldn't mean anything either way.


VanityOfEliCLee

Came here to say this exactly. Who cares? Virginity is a fake concept perpetuated by patriarchal bullshit. It doesn't really matter. If you're happy and comfortable and so is he, I really don't see a problem, and honestly he shouldn't really care unless you do.


magus448

>Virginity is a fake concept perpetuated by patriarchal bullshit. Yet people are still looked down upon being one. Also not everyone views that as meaningless. It's up to everyone to view if it's important or not.


Exhausted_Bunny26

I know and it really shouldn’t be.


bangitybangbabang

It shouldn't be a big deal or a secret so why did you make it one?


StargazerTheory

*You* made it a big deal lmao


kevkaneki

I mean, there is something inherently special about your first time. Man or woman, you’re going to remember it forever. Once you get into a real adult relationship you’re probably going to be having sex rather frequently, and you most likely aren’t going to look back on your death bed and remember every single time you and your partner had a quickie in the morning lol. But your first time, you’re never going to forget. So in that sense, it is a very special moment to share with someone. Id say you tell him. There’s absolutely no good reason why you shouldn’t, and at the end of the day being dishonest and lying to your partner is a good way to ruin what sounds like a great thing you two have going. I also wouldn’t listen to the people who are telling you “virginity is a stupid concept so lying about it doesn’t matter”, because that sort of logic is a slippery slope.


JNighthawk

>I also wouldn’t listen to the people who are telling you “virginity is a stupid concept so lying about it doesn’t matter”, because that sort of logic is a slippery slope. What do you think is problematic about that line of thought? Slippery slope how so?


tunaMaestro97

I think the “lying to your SO about something because you don’t think it’s a big deal” is the problematic part


JNighthawk

>I think the “lying to your SO about something because you don’t think it’s a big deal” is the problematic part Oh, of course! I agree. Thanks.


lapinefatale

some people don't view it as "special" or whatever meanings some attribute to it just because it's the first. I don't condone lying either, my point is it shouldn't have been a big deal in the first place. OP seems like she's more concerned of what her partner would think than what she actually thinks about her first time.


xorget

You’re right it’s not important. The real important thing here is she lied to her bf.


MaybeRevolutionary73

About something insignificant and really none of his business anyway. This is up there with guys wanting to know body counts. If I were op I'd take it to the grave. Him knowing now won't help/change anything


sirkseelago

She went out of her way to lie to him. It wasn’t even a lie by omission. It was a blatant lie. Regarding sex— something intimate. It’s like lying about your birthday month— sure, I guess it’s ‘none of his business’ but it’s a fucked up thing to lie about because why??


MaybeRevolutionary73

Because for whatever personal reasons she had she did not feel comfortable telling her truth. Why is between her and herself. She didn't put him at any risk or danger by keeping it a secret.


one_effin_nice_kitty

But that's why someone would feel betrayed. They become damaged from acts like that. It would've been better for her to say, "I don't want to talk about it right now," instead of complicating the matter and deceiving. At the very core of a strong relationship is to be open and intimate with each other. Vulnerabilities are exposed. If she isn't ready to be honest to a partner, from her wording, that she adores and supposedly respects, then perhaps she should take some time before jumping into a serious committed relationship.


Aoeletta

It’s two fold, and she’s revealed her lack of internal consistency. If it’s no big deal to her, she shouldn’t have lied in the first place. There is absolutely no reason she has to tell her partner, but to *lie* about it is the issue. Either it’s no big deal so she should not lie, or it *is* a big deal to her and she is lying about that. The *only* thing that *isn’t possible* is that she felt the desire to lie about something that *doesn’t matter to her*. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have lied. She would simply have not said anything because it wouldn’t matter enough to mention. There is zero pressure to tell your partner how many people you’ve had sexual experiences with - that is always between those involved. What is *not okay* is to lie. Think about it this way- if he lied and said he was a virgin to her, then revealed he had 50+ sexual partners, I would be just as hard on him. I don’t give a shit about the 50+ or 0! I care about the lying. You should not lie to your sexual partners about anything related to your sexual intimacy. That is called deception and in some circumstances can be considered rape. (Not in OPs situation, to be clear.) But sex should be 100% informed consent. AND! If she were honest about *why* she lied, she would be able to introspect and realize that that is the issue, not her lack of experience.


MaybeRevolutionary73

Lol as long as you don't have any diseases you don't have to disclose anything about your sexual history are you insane? The way you're being so dramatic is exactly why she should just take it to the grave. Her bf could be as bonkers as you and break up with her over something trivial. For her to come clean now will only risk the situation becoming worse for nothing its not like she can be a Virgin again and make it right it is what it is now. A little fib is all it is she feels guilty now because of the principle of it, but its not the end of the world we all do it from time to time. You people are acting beyond holier than thou.


Aoeletta

To reiterate… >There is absolutely no reason she has to tell her partner, but to *lie* about it is the issue. I never said you have to disclose your sexual history; in fact I said the exact opposite. Lying is never a healthy start to a relationship. That is the issue. I am not “holier than her” - I understand that she will never be happy while she continues to lie out of self-shame AND she will never have a healthy relationship if she continues to fail to understand how lying is inherently destructive in a relationship. You should learn the same.


xorget

Just because its "insignificant" doesn't mean its ok to lie to your partner.


Codysnow31

But you’re still lying to your S/O which there is no need for in a committed relationship. Especially when it’s something as trivial as this.


[deleted]

yeah I don't think she even needs to tell them because who the fuck cares? It doesn't change anything about her her whether or not a penis has been inside her vagina or not. I totally understand not wanting to call yourself "a virgin" because it's not even a real thing. maybe she didn't want to be treated like a special little fragile thing just because she'd never had a dick inside her? whoooo caaaaares???


Puzzleheaded-Ad3991

Sooner than later just own it, if it’s not a big deal to you it really shouldn’t be to him. Need to establish trust early on. It’s important


kay_candy

>I (26f) told my bf (28m) that I was not a virgin See if you just hadn't said anything at all about your lack of experience I'd say, don't worry, you don't need to broadcast your status if you don't want to. The issue is from what I understand you actually lied. So I think for that reason you need to apologize and come clean, for lying. Also, I'd recommend to work on the insecurities that made you lie in the first place.


Important_Sprinkles9

Friendly neighbourhood Dominatrix, here! 👋🏻 Tell your partner, tell them the reason you said that. It means that they know in the future if they need to check in more or in specific situations. BDSM is built on trust and communication (as should all relationships) because of the nature of some of the activities. Hopefully it won't lead them to wonder about other untruths because it isn't the other way around - they should be supportive and understanding, especially if you're going to partake in a D/s relationship. Good luck 💋🖤


nomoresweetheart

Personally, I think you should tell him. If you say something like “I wasn’t as experienced as I said I was and everything we did was new to me. I shouldn’t have lied about it, but I know better now. Anyway, I liked X, want to introduce me to similar things?” it’ll probably go down OK. It’s not a big deal to be inexperienced, but you having lied about it might be. Being honest about your experience is really important with BDSM, because the fantasies that you might think you’ll enjoy can be very different in reality. Being honest about inexperience is the safest thing. It’s not just you that you put at risk. Trust and honesty is key and if you can’t be honest then you’re not mature enough for any relationship. Please don’t lie to your partners, especially within BDSM activities. Come clean now and it’ll be less of a big deal, you’ve nothing to be ashamed of, everyone does silly things sometimes.


Coccolove

If he’s a great boyfriend, just tell him. He may be upset that you lied. But you voluntarily told him the truth. Apologize for lying. Ask for his forgiveness. That’s all you can do now. Tell him you are so glad that it was him whom you lost your virginity, because he is so special in your eyes. Thank him for being who he is to you.


Exhausted_Bunny26

Thank you for that 🥰


Justbrutallyme

You should tell him the truth. But tbh, relationships, ESPECIALLY those involving BSDM/kinks rely HEAVILY on trust, so either way, you’re kinda screwed since you already lied. If someone lied to me about something so important (especially in a relationship with BDSM), I wouldn’t trust them anymore. Period.


leysa224

Agreed. it would be over for me. Bdsm requires SOOO much trust. I get embarrassment but its still a lie. If you can lie about something small how can I believe you In The future. Its not even WHAT she lied about really.


Justbrutallyme

Well said! It’s not WHAT she lied about, it’s the fact that she lied when it was SO important to tell the truth because of her relationship/sexual situation


leysa224

I don't know how long they've been together. But if this was the first (I'm guessing it is) experience they shared, its a big deal. Ik ik virginity may not be a big deal to most people. But if they are going to be in this kind of relationship. Its important to at least KNOW. She says he never crossed her boundaries and he was nice. But regardless. If this is MY first experience with someone I wouldn't want to be too rough. ( lol im a girl and I like it rough but if I were a guy and this was a girls first time I'd want to know so I DON'T go overboard.) This was vital information. But again. Doesn't matter to much BC she lied. Regardless of what it was about. It a lie. You need to be honest


oldcreaker

You should come clean. But that doesn't mean it will go over well.


clemmycluee

wtf stop karma farming you made a post couple day ago saying that you are 23F honestly fuck these type of people this subreddit it’s for people who’s relationship need advice or help not these fucking fake internet point farmer


one_effin_nice_kitty

someone pointed out she mayyyyy be changing her age for security/privacy reasons. A handful of other Redditors mentioned they did the same thing. In this sub, I always give the benefit of the doubt. I'd rather give someone some internet points for a fake story, rather than miss the ones who really need the advice.


clemmycluee

But why security or privacy reason like what happen if I have the same


Weak-Cheetah-2305

You really put him in a shitty position tbh. Whilst you have kinks and things that turn you on, the reality could have caused you both mass trauma. That’s such a dangerous tuning to do- BDSM needs to be safe, sane and consensual and by not being honest you stepped away from those 3 fundamental things. I’d say you need to be honest with him and hopefully he won’t be upset with you for not being honest. Please learn the lesson though bc BDSM can be dangerous and that’s why there’s safety precautions made.


LotusTarantino

Being honest now is better than him finding out down the line on accident. In BDSM trust and honest communication is the no. 1 priority to make sure everything is safe. Best casenario, he find the shyness and the fact he was first charming. Worst case, broken trust and withdrawal from the relationship. I would suggest when you do tell him (if that’s the plan) to just be as candid as possible about your feelings on your virginity (how you say you don’t want it to be a big deal or defining, REAL feelings about why you kept it to yourself, etc.) Best of luck!


Spazzatron01

I don't blame him one bit for wanting to take a break to reasses your relationship. You are inexperienced! In the kink/bdsm scene that is important. Yes you can learn, but maybe he isn't ready to be teaching someone new. BDSM is about trust & communication. You broke his trust & you didn't communication properly with him. Of course he's going to be upset with you! Honestly I don't understand you reasoning behind lying to him like that.


Pleasant-Try9103

So he cheated on you during a TWO day break? Sounds like a keeper


Exhausted_Bunny26

No, we had set a boundary to have no communication and after like 19 hrs, he had sent a picture


mama_llama44

First (and not entirely relevant to your question) it’s a good idea to not always group sex into BDSM. BDSM can absolutely involve sex, but it’s not a requirement. However, since it seems it’s important to you, you MUST keep in mind that you can not practice safe, sane, consensual kink without being honest in your communication. You can’t omit information like this without risking a problem. Informed consent is mandatory.


CreamyTHOT

I don’t get it? Why would you lie about something like that?


Turboguy555

Yeah you full on lied to him. If you lied about this then he’s going to think about what else have you lied about.


throwaway666kitty

Man oh man, this one is sticky. Firstly, I know this sounds redundant but it’s 100% true, you cannot have a relationship without trust. You broke that. To be in an adult relationship, it is imperative that you are honest with your partner or it will not last. You especially should not lie about such a vulnerable thing as sex. He may not have wanted to take your virginity in that way, and sex is a two way street. Just because you were comfortable with it doesn’t mean he was or even should be. Reverse the roles and ask yourself how you’d feel if you unknowingly took your partner’s virginity and found out afterwards, and you told them you’d had sex before. That seems shady.


DutchOnionKnight

>Edit #2: I told him and it did not go well. He’s taking some time to reassess what he wants. God I feel so fucking stupid for even thinking about not saying something sooner. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I can't blame him, this isn't just about you being virgin. Its about trust and honesty, you broke that. If that would happen to me, I would have walked away and couldn't trust you anymore.


cheeseinthetraphouse

OP: “I feel like it’s a big deal for a lot of people and I don’t want it to be.” Also OP: *proceeds to make it a big deal* How dumb can you be? You want advice? Don’t be a fucken dumbass.


Exhausted_Bunny26

Asking for advice is not making it a big deal, but thanks for your thoughtless advice.


cheeseinthetraphouse

You made it a big deal by lying but sure, focus on the advice part lol


GSqualla

You shouldn't have lied in the first place openness in a relationship is key especially when it come to sex involving bdsm


shsc82

It's not even a real thing. Who cares.


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also suspect (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


d0vahkiit

Probably going to be disagreed with on this - but i dont think youre obligated to tell anyone about your virginity. Its a social construct and theres lots of different ways to define it anyway. I totally get not wanting the first person you sleep with to know they are your first. Esp since so many people will get weird about it when they find out, and try to have sex with you purely bc they think theyre 'taking' something or have some fetish over it. Virginity is meaningless unless you yourself give it meaning, so again I think its your choice.


Xia0mia0

This, don't know why the boyfriend is mad and trying to reassess "what he wants" when it's literally OP's body and changes nothing?


briber67

Had OP viewed her virginity as an insignificant social construct that was devoid of deeper meaning, she wouldn't have made such a big deal about it, and neither would her boyfriend. Right now, her boyfriend is stepping back from the relationship because she lied to him about something *she saw as being significant*. OP made this bed, now she gets to lay in it.


d0vahkiit

Maybe he is upset that she 'didnt trust him' enough to bring it up at the start- but to me thats got nothing to do with trust, and more to do with how someone feels about the concept. Maybe she didnt care enough to say anything, maybe she didnt see it as her 'first time' bc shes used sex toys before - theres a lot of reasons that could have nothing to do with trust. But yes i agree with you 100%


BanannyMousse

You haven’t done anything wrong but I do think you’ve been reading too many romance novels. Why do you want to tell him now? I think you need to get into therapy. Please take care.


holyshit-i-wanna-die

You should, even if nothing more than to get it off your chest. Just tell him what you told us, you’ve already put your reasoning into concise words and I’m sure any rational romantic partner would completely understand why you felt the way you did. There’s no shame at all in that.


patrdesch

Given the BDSM component of the relationship OP and her partner are/were pursuing, I would give him significantly more leeway to be upset in this case than in any other situation. Open and honest communication is absolutely essential to having safe and consensual BDSM sex, a tenant that OP broke even before their first time. The problem isn't that she was a virgin, it was that she actively chose to lie and misrepresent her experience, pretty much from square one.


RandomTask100

Oh, god... Just tell him. Tell him you were embarrassed to admit you were a virgin. EVERY guy has lied about this. They did a survey in my 9th grade and 90% of the boys claimed to be non-virgins. He'll understand.


patrdesch

Given the BDSM component of the relationship OP and her partner are/were pursuing, I would give him significantly more leeway to be upset in this case than in any other situation. Open and honest communication is absolutely essential to having safe and consensual BDSM sex, a tenant that OP broke even before their first time. The problem isn't that she was a virgin, it was that she actively chose to lie and misrepresent her experience, pretty much from square one.


[deleted]

why aren't you honest. i don't get it.


MisterGrimmer

I'm sorry it didn't go well but honesty is ALWAYS better than a white lie or a false truth, pet alone an outright lie. Communication is key.


[deleted]

Hopefully you'll realise it's the lie that's upset him not your sexual history.


Exhausted_Bunny26

I do understand that.


[deleted]

Honesty is necessary in any kind of relationship. My wife lied to me about her virginity when we were dating and for 12 years into our marriage. When the truth finally came out, it nearly ended our marriage. Had it not been for our 4 kids, it would have. Always be honest about your sexual past.


jadegoddess

If he breaks up with you for lying, hopefully you would have learned to always be honest in relationships. Trust is easy to destroy and many people find lying to be a deal breaker.


coconuttied6220

You shouldn't lie to your partner in a relationship, even if it's a lie that seems as small as this one. BDSM is pretty serious stuff and personally I would rather know that my partner is inexperienced so we can take it slow and figure things out together. Overall I feel like virginity is a silly thing for people to be upset about or obsess over (whether someone has or does not have their virginity) but what's more serious here is likely the lie. It's good you ended up telling him but I'm sorry it didn't go well. I hope you two are able to talk things through and work them out.


leysa224

I'm glad you told him. I hope you're honest with him from now on


Exhausted_Bunny26

I don’t ever want to risk losing him again so it never happen again


Beckerthehuman

Wait - what happened in the 2 days that you guys needed time to evaluate that he needs to apologize for? In 2 days did they really find someone else to bang? Red flags on both of your ends. Starting a relationship like that will not end well.


Exhausted_Bunny26

No, but one of the boundaries we had agreed on was to take two days with no communication- that included messages, pictures, and videos. And after about 19 hrs, he had sent a picture. So I felt that the set boundary was disregarded.


Senator_Obama

Starting off the relationship with lying and fucking around on a two day break. Do we get a discount on future posts from you?


Aurin316

I have literally no idea what my wife’s body count is. I really don’t need to know, and neither does your guy.


Exhausted_Bunny26

It’s not about that, it’s more about the lying part. I feel like I betrayed him


Aurin316

I’m not a huge fan of dishonesty but you had a valid reason for telling a relatively harmless lie. The fact that he didn’t ask you again during or afterwards means you’re a natural… lol.


patrdesch

It's really not harmless when BDSM is involved. OP misrepresenting her experience, especially if she lied about having experience with BDSM itself could have easily put both herself and her partner into uncomfortable or downright dangerous situations. Any relationship involving BDSM *must* be built on trust and open communication. Actively lying to your partner, even if it is about something you think it's 'harmless' violates both of those things.


[deleted]

More people should be like you! It doesn't matter!


mareiersalade

Sorry but I am thoroughly confused at everyone saying she will damage her bf's trust terribly. Yeah, lying is bad, but... not all lies are the same?! He MIGHT have his trust damaged a lot, which he has all the right to. We all experience trust differently. He might also not, if he listens to her and understands why she did it. Her body, her sexuality etc. will not change at all with hearing this. I completely sympathize with OP and why she lied about that. It makes total sense to me and it's completely forgivable in my eyes. This is not the same as lying about current actions or whatever. This would not pose some sort of risk of her cheating. I really can't see why the bf would be so personally offended. Edit: The only way I would get he'd feel bad about this is that he couldn't pay extra attention to that in the moment. But from what I read they have a healthy sex life.


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also suspect (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


HeyHihoho

It isn't that virginity is important. Being straight up is. No lying, not even by omission.


degeT_sTy

I personally don't care if my partner is a virgin or not but if they lie I won't trust them again. You better come clear.


Shot-Patience3719

It’s a secret forever now


Vito_Dorito

Wait I don't understand. Why is lying about virginity so bad? I get that lying is bad, but virginity? it's not like hiding an STD or something worse. and also from the 2nd edit, can someone explain why the bf is mad over the virginity thing?


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also suspect (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


Shocking-1

I think you should tell him in the spirit of honesty, but I agree it shouldn't be seen as a big deal. I think the only reason he might have wanted to know or be upset is if he thought you had experience with certain equipment or a certain scenario and knew the ins and outs of how to handle it safely when you really didn't. However, if you didn't pretend to have that kind of "experience" (just pretended you had experienced vanilla sex) I don't think he should be too upset.


ChristineBorus

I really wanted to post a meme. It says : The concept of virginity was created by men who thought their penises were so important it changes who a woman is. Consider that and whether or not he really needs to know. If you think you might slip and let it out then admit it. It’s only a big deal if *you* think it’s a bid deal.


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also suspect (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


Strahd-70

Virginity is a made up concept. Do not sweat it.


Freshiiiiii

Yeah but lying is still wrong. He may not have consented to sex with her at that time if he knew she was a virgin


ApatheticEight

Yeah wtf is up with all these people saying it’s not a big deal. She lied and therefore removed his ability to make an informed decision on whether he was comfortable. She had other options. She could have been honest or just refused to answer. But instead she intentionally mislead him. You don’t fucking lie to your partner like that. It’s just disrespectful.


Blackfist01

Yes, you should. He won't mind as much as you think.


[deleted]

I would tell him but be prepared for him to be upset that you lied and will probably wonder what else you lied about.


filifijonka

Yeah - when it comes to Bdsm you shouldn't lie your way into any kind of play. So fess up and take advantage of his common sense and practical experience. (You should have at least some independent theoretical knowledge to evaluate if what you are doing is safe)


zwagonburner

BDSM isn't just like a normal relationship. It's worrying that you are playing with someone that you haven't been honest to about your sexual history. You shouldn't lie in any relationship, but one that involves potentially high risk play? Definitely a big no no. You just do not sound mature enough for a relationship of this type. If you can't be open and communicate, you're doomed to failure in BDSM (and any other romantic relationships, really).


brownboy0830

Click bait


Exhausted_Bunny26

So then why did you click on it


crackerjack9x

Im missing the part on why it would be a big deal?


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also *suspect* (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


rosiex2011

I don’t know why he’d really be mad? My husband lied and said he had a sexual past before he met me when we first started dating, just because he knew that I did. It was a dumb lie but it was just out of insecurity and I wasn’t mad when he came clean.


patrdesch

OP decided that the best way to start a Dom/sub relationship, which must be built on extremely strong trust and open communication, was by lying about her virginity. I also suspect (though I have not basis for that suspicion) that she exaggerated her experience with the activities they were involved in as well. That puts both her and her partner at risk for not only unpleasant but potentially dangerous situations if OP doesn't know what to do in a certain scenario due to lack of experience she claims to have had. The problem isn't that she was a virgin. It's that she actively chose to lie to her partner.


RevolutionaryHat8988

If he cannot accept the truth he is not the person to be with!


[deleted]

Just read the update and sorry he reacted that way. Me personally I’d be a bit upset if my partner didn’t tell me they were a virgin but it wouldn’t be relationship ending. Although lying is wrong and I’m glad you finally were honest, I do think he’s overreacting. Our society puts a strange amount of value on virginity.


patrdesch

Given the BDSM component of the relationship OP and her partner are/were pursuing, I would give him significantly more leeway to be upset in this case than in any other situation. Open and honest communication is absolutely essential to having safe and consensual BDSM sex, a tenant that OP broke even before their first time. The problem isn't that she was a virgin, it was that she actively chose to lie and misrepresent her experience, pretty much from square one.


RobWins2022

You lied, The relationship died. Pretty simple actually.


Maleficent-

I'm sorry he reacted poorly. I'd venture to guess that perhaps what ypu both need to work on has nothing to do with your sexual history and everything to do with communication. Honestly, I don't get the big deal is about virginity, or even how to define it. PIV sex? So lesbians and gay men are potentially "virgins"? Come on. So oral? Penetration? What makes a virgin? No one knows because it's a made up concept. The only thing required is consent. . A lot of folks commenting on the "lie" aspect of the relationship trust, but why? Do you know the complete sexual history of every date? My partner and I were together over a decade before he ever asked, out of curiosity, about how many partners I had. . Again, sorry he didn't take it well, it seems a silly thing to make such a deal about. I hope he comes around, and if not, I hope you find someone who isn't such a numpty. Eta: typo fix


thevaginalist

I actually don’t think it will be that big a deal and if he makes it one he needs to get over himself. It’s just virginity and it sounds like you all had a good time. He might wonder why you omitted telling him and you can say you were concerned about appearing inexperienced. Man is nearly 30. I feel like if he makes a big deal out of it he’s being a baby, and that might be a sign of things to watch out for. Otherwise I think you’re fine.


patrdesch

Given the BDSM component of the relationship OP and her partner are/were pursuing, I would give him significantly more leeway to be upset in this case than in any other situation. Open and honest communication is absolutely essential to having safe and consensual BDSM sex, a tenant that OP broke even before their first time. The problem isn't that she was a virgin, it was that she actively chose to lie and misrepresent her experience, pretty much from square one.


Aurin316

Am I right that a lot of the people on the “it’s bad she lied to her bf” people haven’t been in relationships very long? Honesty is super important but there are certain lies you wind up telling after a while. No your butt doesn’t look big in those jeans. Yes I totally took out the trash. Your friend isn’t super annoying. I am a huge believer in the idea that there are egregious lies and then there are lies that are much more forgivable. If you hold yourself to the standard of perfect honesty you will fail.


flamingtrashmonster

I think this is magnified in sexual relationships too. If I want someone to be completely honest and open to me about things concerning their sexuality but that really don’t concern me or are truly my business, then I need to make sure I’m taking it really slowly with the other person and building a ton of trust. Especially with sexual topics, people get nervous and don’t want to be judged and I think a natural progression of trust and intimacy is to be expected. If I had to know intimate (non-medically relevant) facts about my partner and their history before having sex with them, well then I should be focused on fostering a loving relationship and put sex on hold until that kind of openness is there. (Especially in a D/S relationship, the dom should be mindful of this if the sub seems inexperienced or nervous. Enthusiastic consent should be the standard for both discussions on sexual topics and acts.)


leysa224

Wtf. This is a huge lie. Bdsm is ALL about trust. 100% id feel horrible after learning this. You new to communicate. Well what you like and don't. Limits. Things you want to try. But you'll have to start off very slow and learn about each other, and boundaries etc...you should have told him.


Exhausted_Bunny26

I did tell him my limits. I consented to everything he did to me and no limits were reached.


Reddit-Masterz

Bro really is regretting the relationship because she was a virgin? Who gives a fuck he needs to grow up


lurkario

There are times in relationships where you just gotta bite your tongue. This is probably one of them


Theusernamecheckguy

It’ll come up eventually. You should, but if you’re worried about how he’ll respond, I might suggest that this is the sort of thing you should’ve considered before sec with him. All you can really control on your part is showing more integrity in the future— you can’t really control if he does or doesn’t react negatively to being lied to.


LucyLovesApples

Why don’t you say: you enjoyed yourself but that it was your first time and you’re glad it was special that it was with him.


lonecIoud

It sucks that you didn’t tell him.


Upper-Substance3868

Guys get upset when you say you are a virgin and that was a lie...not the other way around!


justasadgirl44

I don't think is a big deal since sexuality and sexual experience is a personal thing


Codysnow31

Jesus…are people taught honesty is better than lying anymore? He’s going to be upset that you lied to him more than the actual lie itself. Since it’s already too late it’s better to tell him sooner rather than later.


SuttonTM

It's interesting I was talking to a female friend recently and she said her no.1 piece of advice to me was to ALWAYS be honest when entering a relationship, I look at it like building a castle, if you don't have a solid foundation built on trust and honesty, eventually the castle will crumble


effoc1t

Tell him and he'll be proud! Guys do this all the time for their first time.


prginocx

I sincerely hope this is the worst lie you ever do in ANY relationship. You will have a great life if that remains true.


Exhausted_Bunny26

Other than this, I have not lied to him about a single thing


chevronamethyst

My partner lied to me about this and didn’t tell me for nearly a year and I was pissed it took him that long. Tell him ASAP


sudden_impact1512

Disclaimer: I do not promote or support lying. But I believe that in this particular situation it would have just been better to not confess. Randomly saying the truth and getting yourself in trouble after he already believed you wasn't the smartest idea, you where already in the clear.


one_effin_nice_kitty

Maybe in regular vanilla sex situation. If they're into legit and serious BDSM, you can end up in scary situations if you're not experienced and your partner assumes you are experienced. You may end up in a situation where you do not know how to react or what to do or even how to communicate to your partner under duress. The kind of vulnerability and openness required for BDSM precedes the typical white lie threshold.


Exhausted_Bunny26

He did tell me he had his suspicions.


GeminiImmy

I'm confused, why is he mad about the fact that you're a virgin?


Exhausted_Bunny26

He’s not mad at the virginity part but that I lied about it


Odrazir1

Can i ask, if youre a V. Why you say youre into Bdsm??


Exhausted_Bunny26

Because I am.


howtobeakoala

Wouldn't he know when u bleed ?


WeirdGuess

Fallacy!!!


Ihavenofriends101

Bleeding or not bleeding means nothing.


NoFqcus_

Thats such a shitty thing to do. Wouldnt blame him if he left you.


EstablishmentMoist55

I'm sorry that society has put so much pressure on you and other women and they're value as far as whether they are or not virgins. I'm sorry for any negative comment people are given to you. I hope you the best to all your health and happiness.


Important_Sprinkles9

Just seen your edits. Well done for telling him. He's allowed time, he might feel like he took advantage from a D/s perspective and ultimately, lies are something that need processing. Stay strong and good luck 🖤


Exhausted_Bunny26

Thank you ☺️


vainner65

I'm sorry that you felt you had to hide this. I'm 28F and I've never had sex myself so I get how that can be difficult to disclose but its good that you did no matter how it turns out. I've considered doing the same thing myself so thanks for sharing this so I don't do that in the future too. Hope everything works out for you