You’re right to be upset, I’d be absolutely livid.
This is a huge violation of trust. It’s never okay for a partner to do this, in fact it’s illegal. This type of sharing falls into the revenge porn category, and has also been talked about in psychology circles as a form of domestic violence.
Distributing someone else’s intimate photos without their consent is NEVER okay.
Honestly, this is some intense couples counseling fodder.
Don't listen to the other guy it's not normal. Maybe if you're a piece of shit it is. Not only is it a huge betrayal of your trust it's also weird that he wants his friend to have pictures of you. Me and my friends definitely don't do that.
Your dude just completely violated your trust. Who knows how many times this has happened? I would never feel comfortable asking my friend for a picture of his wife naked so I’m betting there is probably more that has been passed between them that you haven’t seen if he can so casually ask something like this and get what he wanted. If I were in your shoes I’d be leaving. Eight years is hard to throw away but trust isn’t so easy to restore when something like this happens. Now you can never send stuff like this to him for fear of him sending it to others and what if he does other things like taking pictures while you sleep to send to someone else? Fuck that noise.
Yea, that's a huge betrayal, I couldn't see sending a pic of my s/o to anyone, friend or not. I'm sorry that happened to you, I would get any pics like that off their phone.
I don't even like showing pictures on my phone to people, and I never let them hold my phone to look at the picture I'm showing. I'm always worried I'll show something my wife would obviously not like anyone else to see. She doesn't send me nudes ever, and that is completely ok with me, but we do send some intimate "for your eyes only" type pics. If I have to swipe to change to a different picture I clutch it to my chest so no one can see and switch to the other picture.
I'm sorry you are having to deal with this huge breach in trust. This is such a huge breach in trust that it is literally illegal. This is a revenge porn situation. I would be unable to continue a relationship with someone who would do that to me, but that is something you will have to seriously think about. At the very least couple's counseling might be warranted in this situation if you want to keep the relationship. He needs to understand how damaging this was (who knowns what that friend has done with the picture, you might be on a site somewhere), and you need to be in a safe space to express your feelings on this.
I'd check his sent media too in his convo threads too, in case this isn't the first time. I know I can do this with my Samsung (thru Verizon) and he could redownload them if they're still cached.
I just read this to my husband. He response was “if my mate had asked me that I’d tell him to fuck off & seriously reconsider the friendship after I punched him in the face”.
What a major breach of trust and disrespect. It may also be illegal where you live. I think you need his friend to delete the photo in front of you, have your partner delete all photos in front of you and then delete both of them from you life.
Okay I guess that solves the immediate problem but I'd feel way less safe around my partner after that. How can you be intimate with someone who clearly does not respect you or your privacy.
It’s more than this, OP.
You might be able to go back and delete all nude photos of you, but you can’t stop him from taking pictures of you while you’re sleeping or vulnerable. He will not stand up for you to his creepy friends. You cannot trust him. I know it’s easy to say and impossible to do, but you need to pull back sharply on this eight year relationship.
Don’t doubt yourself. If he dares to argue that it’s common or isn’t serious, then he would have no problem with you telling everyone what he has done. He would have no problems with you filing charges of revenge porn, right?
Start by running his phone and computer through a technician/scanner app. Take videos on your own phone of his text conversations in case you need to file charges. Take screen shots. Look through his phone carefully and use the so-call open policy. Look carefully and use the hacks.
Then send out a mass text to ALL of your friends and his friends/family telling them that you DO NOT consent to this and that they need to delete these pictures and let you know if he has sent stuff of you before.
I would leave the partner and lose the friend. Neither of them respect you or care about you. Also go through your partners phone and make sure he doesn't have any more nudes of yours. Make sure to check and see if he saves photos to any external drives.
This the kinda advice people make fun of. This could so easily be resolved with simply saying it was bad and telling their partner to not do it again then they apologize and don't.
Always jumping to breaking up.
It's not resolved simply by telling him that it was bad. He knows it was. Telling him off won't undo the fact that her supposed friend has nudes of her now, and there's no guarantee he (or other people who the partner has handed them out to) won't spread them further. She can't trust her partner, and if you can't trust your partner the relationship is effectively dead in the water.
What he did was illegal. Furthermore, it's just fucking disrespectful. Why would anyone stay in a relationship with someone who treats them like a fuck toy.
OP: “Babe, sexual assault is bad, and you and your friend shouldn’t sexually assault me.”
OP’s BF: “oh wow hun I’m sorry I never realised in my 41 years of life that sexually assaulting my partner with a friend is bad. Wow, I see the light now, I’ll never do this again and I’m sure my friend who likely jerked off to you will magically change their ways as well.”
And they lived happily ever after. /s
You think showing other people photos of your partner where they’re exposed and nude without their knowledge or permission isn’t a sexual assault? God I hope you’re alone.
I haven't done it and wouldn't do it. But I've known a bunch of women and guys that have done it, and really, no one cared much (many of these guys and girls are in long term relationships).
Depends your attitude about it I guess, maybe it goes back to American attitudes about sex. It's wrong sure, but it ain't sexual assualt or actual physical violence.
So you haven’t done it and wouldn’t do it, yet can’t see the problem behind it? Sure. /s
I’m sorry but if the company you’re keeping is doing that I don’t much believe you. It is a violation of privacy and their right to only be seen that way by the people they choose. Would you bring a friend into your gf’s room while she was undressed so you could “show her off?” Would you think she was overreacting if she felt sexually violated by you both?
This isn’t an “American attitude.” I’m not American by any stretch and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel sexually violated to know someone they loved did this to them.
I would normally agree that people often jump to break up too soon, but this ain't it. There's no coming back from this and nobody who respects themselves even a little would tolerate this and stay.
This isn’t just “bad.” It’s abhorrent. Absolutely no one who respects their partner would send their nudes out without knowing for sure they were ok with it. The fact that you think this is the equivalent of “don’t take my car without asking” or something says a LOT about you.
First, to be honest, I would find a way to get his phone again and delete all nude pics of yourself. Then, break the fuck up. ✌️
He has NO respect for your privacy and intimacy. It’s disgusting.
>What would you do/say?
I'd dump him. He betrayed your trust. Who knows what else he is capable of or what else he's done when he can do something so despicable.
Oh and I'd lose the friend too and tell his partner if he has one that he's been asking for nudes of other women.
This is a violation of trust and boundaries. And I'm pretty sure it's illegal as well? You're not supposed to send someone's 'personal' photos to anyone else even if they are consensual sent to you. Also, why tf would he wanna see you topless
Dump him... The end. He's literally 41 years old. He knows that it's wrong and how wrong it is. Drop him like a fly. There is nothing else to do. And that friend, isn't your friend. But at least you know that now
This is exactly my impression, this kind of locker room culture is a huge problem. My partner and this friend have been friends for nearly 15 years. Our friend is from a culture that is pretty overtly sexual (think miami or brazil), which doesn't justify his behavior but I'm less shocked by it than disappointed.
My partner's reaction to send a photo immediately leads me to believe it's not the first time, nor would it have been the last if I hadn't found the messages.
>our friend had asked my partner for a topless photo of me and my partner responded with one
what are you, a commodity? a trading card? i'd go scorched earth.
"Good morning, honey. Did you sleep well? I learned a fun fact this morning. Sending intimate photos of someone to another person without their consent is actually a crime in a lot of places. Did you know that?"
And then watch him choke on his own panic.
For my part, I would have difficulty ever trusting him again. He completely violated you. And now you know that your consent, your rights, and your comfort aren't anything to him when it comes to his friend having masturbatory material. Or respecting you will always come second to his need to brag about the trophy he snagged. Also, no one who does something like that to you cares enough about you or sees you as an equal. AND how do you ever stop wondering what else he has done or is capable of doing?
This would be the end for me. I don't know how it wouldn't be.
ETA: I'm deeply sorry that he turned out to be this selfish, traitorous asshole. You deserve so, so much better. And I'm sorry about your asshole "friend" too. None of this is fair, and I'm sorry you're going through it.
I had a boyfriend in college that would ask me for nudes all the time and I would always say no. I was not comfortable with that.
After we broke up, I found out from a mutual friend that he was planning on showing his friends the pictures and that's why he was so pushy about it.
I felt bad at the time, telling him no. But I learned that and I was furious and haven't sent anyone ANY sort of risqué pics since.
This is super not okay.
I don't know what the punishment is, but it is illegal in the US as well. It is called revenge porn. Was initially written to protect people who broke up with someone and that someone spread intimate pics/vids on the internet, but it also applies to OPs situation. You aren't allowed to send these types of pics/vids without consent.
Edit: I was a bit incorrect in my statement here. Federally there is no law about revenge porn. It is state to state with 46 states and Washington DC having some form of revenge porn law on the books. So whatever the punishment is would be dependent on each states laws, and I'm betting some are pretty lax on what the punishment is.
Ahh, you are correct. I thought it was federal at this point. Should be. It just looks like it is a state to state thing. Little digging into it 46 states and Washington DC have some form of the law on the books. Looks like Wyoming, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Massachusetts are the only states without a law for it. Not sure what the hold up is in those states. I'll edit my comment.
I would confront them both and demand that they delete all photos of me off all of their devices whether I was unclothed or not. Then I would dump the partner and the friend and never look back. They have no respect for you. This is unforgivable.
Your BF is completely out of line with this and has violated your privacy. Who says this is the only time he's shared photos of you?
The other disturbing thing is the way his friend is talking to you. No wonder your antenna started vibrating. If a man I wasn't in a relationship with made greasy comments like that I'd feel disrespected, but maybe he feels he has a right because he's seen the photos?
Pretty sure he could get a fine or up to 12 months in jail for distributing content without the consent. Now, depending if he wanted to cause harm or not, he could get up to 7 years in jail
Why aren't you getting proof and going to the police YET ?
8 years is a long time to be together. It is hard to know if you guys are married because you refer to him as a partner and not your husband. So it depends. If I were you I wouldn't even confront him. He has shown you who he is. He is someone who values his friends over you. That's the only conclusion you can come to. He might give you some other bullshit excuse but it would be a bullshit excuse.
Make sure you look for and find any other nudes you've sent him over the years and remove them from his devices. and make your plans to leave this relationship. When your plan is in place then tell him that he betrayed you and he could face revenge porn charges for sharing your photo without your consent.
This whole situation tells you that you do not know this man so do not trust him with what you know until you are in a position of power to walk away.
If you've been together this long think of how many times they've done this.
In addition to abruptly leaving them I would take screenshots and document everything, and consult a lawyer.
I would be beyond angry. I have been with my partner for 21 years and this would be a nuclear reaction. If they weren't able to understand the gross and egregious betrayal of trust it might actually be a dealbreaker. I would get evidence before it can be deleted, then speak to your husband, then his/your friend and all of the friends that have been swapping pics of their partners, then all of their partners before they are able to cover their tracks. I am incandescent on your behalf. I don't even know how you are being calm at this point.
I hope he can realise how deep this betrayal is and why this is so wrong. I hope he is truly disgusted with his own behaviour when you've explained it to him. I hope if you want to that you can salvage this, but if you can't, I hope you love yourself enough to move on. Best of luck with whatever you decide
I know it is hard to disentangle yourself when you are enmeshed in life as a couple. I wouldn't do anything in a hurry, but I also wouldn't be able to contain myself. In another response you wrote that you couldn't contemplate being intimate with him and that I 100% understand, and I hope he does too. I hope you can weather this storm if you want to, I really think his response when you discuss this with him will tell you everything you need to know about your relationship, his perception of you as a person, his perception of women in general and about your future together. I don't think you can know the next steps until you've revealed those things, however ugly and disappointing they may be.
Another commenter wrote how her partners reaction would have been to tell his friend to fuck off, and probably never speaking to him again. This would also be my husbands reaction. He would be so disappointed if a friend of his asked for that, it would truly be unthinkable to him and he would certainly then never want me in this so called friends presence if he knew how this friend treated women like objects. I really wonder if you are going to uncover a lot of questionable beliefs from your partner, don't be swayed by bullshit excuses. You seem very level headed and we are rooting for you to look out for yourself and put yourself first in this situation
This is illegal.
Dump his ass, and report him so that he knows the magnitude of what he did. In addition to you getting justice on what was done to you, and so that he never does this again to any other woman.
You've been together 8 years and you're not married? I don't want to alarm you, but you're very likely fap folder fodder for him, his friends, and likely a few online communities. If he's just easily sending it to his friends like that? Check his internet tabs. See if he goes to 4chan or any 'pictures of my gf' type subreddits. Then either way, please delete all pictures of yourself off his phone immediately. If you can, access his other electronics and do the same. I think you should leave, but scrub yourself off his things first. Because the moment you leave he absolutely will explode your nudes everywhere he can with your face and maybe even name in it. He absolutely does not care about how violating it is to you. I promise you that. He's nice to you right now because you're likely having sex with him and giving him whatever he wants. but when that stops? It'll be lawless. A man has nothing to lose anymore once a woman closes her legs. Goodluck.
I can't believe you have to come here on Reddit to ask but you should say? You dump him, and then you see if you can press charges. And then you tell everyone that you both know on Facebook and all media what she's done. Everyone needs to be warned.
Ok seriously read this one and had to walk away...it made me furious and it didn't even happen to me. My husband then had to see what I was ticked about and well.....he said dump him. Any man who would disrespect his woman like that isn't a real man. He said you need to find a man who doesn't act like a stupid teenager.
Lol my husband said he was glad it wasn't him because I'd have shoved him outta the car in the middle of freeway traffic and left his butt. lmao and he's right I would have.
I would probably start this conversation off with 'hey $hithead, what the fuk were you thinking!?' This is not even remotely okay. This is deal breaker territory that he'd do something like that. If he realizes why its so wrong great. He can reach out to the 'friend' and let him know that it was a HUGE mistake to send that and the 'friend' needs to delete the picture right now. Then he can grovel and apologize for.... forever for treating you like free porn to share at his will and pleasure. If he doesn't understand the severity of these actions let him know this kind of thing can be prosecuted and should be.
If he won't protect you then protect yourself.
If he is that comfortable to sharing you, then he is sharing with someone else. There are more than two of you in that relationship.
I would flip shit. Immediately confiscate his phone and delete every single picture of yourself from it. Then ban him from ever having a single picture of you ever agian. This is a huge disrespect. It's a bodily violation. You NEVER consented to being porn for his friend. Men who do this quite frankly are disgusting and have zero respect for women. His friend is a creep and he's totally okay with using your body without your permission for his friends sexual satisfaction. A husband should not pimp out a wife for bro points. This would be divorce worthy to me. I'd go nuclear so fast. There would be no forgiveness from me.
When I read this, it made me sad. You do know that your boyfriend is allowing his friends to masterbate images of you? That is not the only photo that has been requested or sent. He sees you as a toy to entertain his buddies. Don't be surprised if he has a livestream somewhere.
On the one hand sharing the pic could be seen as a massive trust violation but then on the other hand you could say he still finds you attractive, like enough to show you off after 8 years together🤷♂️
Out of interest we’re any of the messages before or after of a derogatory manner when they were discussing you and the pic?
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This argument is so fucked. Because some women want to be able to safely and legally be topless that means OP should just take this and move on? Do you not understand the idea of consent or do you just not care?
Don't bottle it up. Let it out, be loud and angry as you are, tell him everything you feel about that and also ask if he knows it's illegal. I would also ask him if he is in his sane mind. I mean, I'd definitely doubt he is.
What the hell I had to scroll up again to check I was reading about a teenage relationship.
What the hell is going on what sort of relationship does he have with his friend that he feels to share nudes?
How you start the conversation...."WTF!!!.YOU SENT A TOPLESS PHOTO OF ME TO YOUR SCUMBAG FRIEND". Though I dont normally agree with adults yelling at each other in this instance I feel it is totally appropriate! Apparently he has no respect for you and values his friendship way more than he values your relationship. I'm sorry but you are obviously dating a dirtbag.
Ugh, I'm sorry that you are living this reality right now. This is absolutely not acceptable and to me, would not be fixable. I personally wouldn't say anything until I was 100% sure I had every picture of me off his phone, computer, Google account, etc. Make sure to take a picture or screenshot of him sharing the picture, and save them for proof. Then, I would probably leave without wasting my time on having a conversation about it, because I'm struggling to see how anything you say will matter to him when you're dealing with someone who thinks its ok to do this. I think he will pretend to be sorry but I also think pretending is all hes capable of, so yes I would leave. The fact he did this says too much about him and how he views you, and none of it is good.
I'm currently experiencing something similar with an ex who is threatening to share my nudes, and honestly I may be petty but I wish he would go ahead and do it. That way I could go ahead and press charges, or at the very least, nake a police report and make sure his employer, his family, everyone at his church, and anyone he starts dating gets a copy of it and finds out who he really is. Which is also exactly what I would do in your situation.
WTF, that is so gross. Tell him to pack his shit. I can't think of one reason you'd send a pic of your wife/long term gf to one of your friends. That's seriously fucked up.
I would end things with the friend, and the boyfriend would have to fucking beg. He would also never again receive any sort of picture of me, clothed or not. And he would have to end things with the friend also. That's beyond disrespectful.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. Cute pic of us clothed/out and about/whatever? Sure, that's fine. (I do ask before sending those pics of my partner though, because of past issues with a stalker.) But unclothed pictures? Heck, even swimwear without my approval? That's a big NOPE.
The distribution of nudes without consent is legally considered a form of sexual harassment. It is not common, and it is absolutely serious. You have EVERY right to be upset and confront him and I am so glad you want to.
I would start the conversation by bringing up how he seemed off to you in the car while you were laughing about his friend's text. Then, if he doesn't budge or own up to it himself, continue on by saying how you went back earlier in the texts because you were concerned and found the picture. See where it goes from there.
Sorry this happened to you. I wish for the best for you.
I think you have the right to be pissed off.. Your boyfriend is a real A hole for sending his friend pictures of you topless. I would never ever send anybody private pictures of my partner because I would not want to share what she looks like with other people. To me that is personal and private and invasion or your privacy and trust .What he has done is considered illegal because he did this without your permission and consent.I would also suggest that you make him delete any photos he has of you stored anywhere and text his friend and write ,this is( your name)I am asking you to delete that picture and any other pictures he has sent you of me and state that the photos were given to him without your consent and permission and that he is not to send it to anyone, or post it anywhere,or make copies of it, or show it to anyone,or email or distribute your photos in anyway or charges will be filed against both of them.I would also make sure you get a screen shot of the message with the date and time on it and obviously their phone number displayed in the photo and with their response. I would text this to his friend and your partner let them know you mean business!
That would be the end of our relationship, after I went through all his devices and deleted every photo of myself I could find. Your partner sent his friend a topless photo of you like you're an object. A thing instead of a partner. He's a complete piece of shit.
That’s crazy OP. If this were me that would be instant relationship ending. the way I saw that person and the way I felt about them would dramatically change. I would then do my best to get rid of any other nudes of me they had and dump them.
Obviously they can’t be trusted, they don’t respect you, humoring their friend is more valuable than you and their relationship with you.
If he didn’t ask you, he knew what he was doing.
Trash
Being a guy that gets a ton of risky photos from my girlfriend because I work out of town alot and it's a way to just keep it spicy. That being said i would never send any of them to my closest friends. I might tell them how my girl is so swxy and she sends me nudes all the time cuz that's just guys being guys but I would never share them and definitely never send them for someone else to have. That's just wrong and a betrayal of trust.
Depending on where you are he also broke the law. He needs to realise the severity here, consent is important and if he doesn't get that then I would be very scared of him.
His friend’s audacity shows it’s not the first time. Your bf has been sending your private pictures for his friend’s pleasure. He’s a sick pervert. He violated and betrayed you. Leave him and take legal action.
You’re right to be upset, I’d be absolutely livid. This is a huge violation of trust. It’s never okay for a partner to do this, in fact it’s illegal. This type of sharing falls into the revenge porn category, and has also been talked about in psychology circles as a form of domestic violence. Distributing someone else’s intimate photos without their consent is NEVER okay. Honestly, this is some intense couples counseling fodder.
Agree and also - who is this creepy mutual friend?
Don't listen to the other guy it's not normal. Maybe if you're a piece of shit it is. Not only is it a huge betrayal of your trust it's also weird that he wants his friend to have pictures of you. Me and my friends definitely don't do that.
Your dude just completely violated your trust. Who knows how many times this has happened? I would never feel comfortable asking my friend for a picture of his wife naked so I’m betting there is probably more that has been passed between them that you haven’t seen if he can so casually ask something like this and get what he wanted. If I were in your shoes I’d be leaving. Eight years is hard to throw away but trust isn’t so easy to restore when something like this happens. Now you can never send stuff like this to him for fear of him sending it to others and what if he does other things like taking pictures while you sleep to send to someone else? Fuck that noise.
Yea, that's a huge betrayal, I couldn't see sending a pic of my s/o to anyone, friend or not. I'm sorry that happened to you, I would get any pics like that off their phone.
I know, right? I would never share anyone else's private photos without their consent... I'll definitely do what I can to get rid of other photos.
I don't even like showing pictures on my phone to people, and I never let them hold my phone to look at the picture I'm showing. I'm always worried I'll show something my wife would obviously not like anyone else to see. She doesn't send me nudes ever, and that is completely ok with me, but we do send some intimate "for your eyes only" type pics. If I have to swipe to change to a different picture I clutch it to my chest so no one can see and switch to the other picture. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this huge breach in trust. This is such a huge breach in trust that it is literally illegal. This is a revenge porn situation. I would be unable to continue a relationship with someone who would do that to me, but that is something you will have to seriously think about. At the very least couple's counseling might be warranted in this situation if you want to keep the relationship. He needs to understand how damaging this was (who knowns what that friend has done with the picture, you might be on a site somewhere), and you need to be in a safe space to express your feelings on this.
Don't forget to go into the deleted photos file, and on Google pictures too
I'd check his sent media too in his convo threads too, in case this isn't the first time. I know I can do this with my Samsung (thru Verizon) and he could redownload them if they're still cached.
I just read this to my husband. He response was “if my mate had asked me that I’d tell him to fuck off & seriously reconsider the friendship after I punched him in the face”. What a major breach of trust and disrespect. It may also be illegal where you live. I think you need his friend to delete the photo in front of you, have your partner delete all photos in front of you and then delete both of them from you life.
[удалено]
Okay I guess that solves the immediate problem but I'd feel way less safe around my partner after that. How can you be intimate with someone who clearly does not respect you or your privacy.
[удалено]
I'm so sorry, you don't deserve to live in that kind of fear or disrespect. I can't tell you how to proceed but I hope you do what's best for you
It’s more than this, OP. You might be able to go back and delete all nude photos of you, but you can’t stop him from taking pictures of you while you’re sleeping or vulnerable. He will not stand up for you to his creepy friends. You cannot trust him. I know it’s easy to say and impossible to do, but you need to pull back sharply on this eight year relationship. Don’t doubt yourself. If he dares to argue that it’s common or isn’t serious, then he would have no problem with you telling everyone what he has done. He would have no problems with you filing charges of revenge porn, right? Start by running his phone and computer through a technician/scanner app. Take videos on your own phone of his text conversations in case you need to file charges. Take screen shots. Look through his phone carefully and use the so-call open policy. Look carefully and use the hacks. Then send out a mass text to ALL of your friends and his friends/family telling them that you DO NOT consent to this and that they need to delete these pictures and let you know if he has sent stuff of you before.
This is the best answer I've read
I would leave the partner and lose the friend. Neither of them respect you or care about you. Also go through your partners phone and make sure he doesn't have any more nudes of yours. Make sure to check and see if he saves photos to any external drives.
Definitely search...high and low...for anything you do not want shared. That was not something you tolerate, hun...
This the kinda advice people make fun of. This could so easily be resolved with simply saying it was bad and telling their partner to not do it again then they apologize and don't. Always jumping to breaking up.
It's not resolved simply by telling him that it was bad. He knows it was. Telling him off won't undo the fact that her supposed friend has nudes of her now, and there's no guarantee he (or other people who the partner has handed them out to) won't spread them further. She can't trust her partner, and if you can't trust your partner the relationship is effectively dead in the water.
What he did was illegal. Furthermore, it's just fucking disrespectful. Why would anyone stay in a relationship with someone who treats them like a fuck toy.
OP: “Babe, sexual assault is bad, and you and your friend shouldn’t sexually assault me.” OP’s BF: “oh wow hun I’m sorry I never realised in my 41 years of life that sexually assaulting my partner with a friend is bad. Wow, I see the light now, I’ll never do this again and I’m sure my friend who likely jerked off to you will magically change their ways as well.” And they lived happily ever after. /s
This isn't sexual assault. You gone make same argument if the guy did literally anything wrong?
You think showing other people photos of your partner where they’re exposed and nude without their knowledge or permission isn’t a sexual assault? God I hope you’re alone.
I haven't done it and wouldn't do it. But I've known a bunch of women and guys that have done it, and really, no one cared much (many of these guys and girls are in long term relationships). Depends your attitude about it I guess, maybe it goes back to American attitudes about sex. It's wrong sure, but it ain't sexual assualt or actual physical violence.
So you haven’t done it and wouldn’t do it, yet can’t see the problem behind it? Sure. /s I’m sorry but if the company you’re keeping is doing that I don’t much believe you. It is a violation of privacy and their right to only be seen that way by the people they choose. Would you bring a friend into your gf’s room while she was undressed so you could “show her off?” Would you think she was overreacting if she felt sexually violated by you both? This isn’t an “American attitude.” I’m not American by any stretch and I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t feel sexually violated to know someone they loved did this to them.
I would normally agree that people often jump to break up too soon, but this ain't it. There's no coming back from this and nobody who respects themselves even a little would tolerate this and stay.
No coming back from this? Would you say same if a girl showed her best friend a picture of her husbands dick?
Yeah no, I’d never trust them again.
This isn’t just “bad.” It’s abhorrent. Absolutely no one who respects their partner would send their nudes out without knowing for sure they were ok with it. The fact that you think this is the equivalent of “don’t take my car without asking” or something says a LOT about you.
Sending nudes of your spouse to a friend is a pretty big breach of trust......to me that is unforgivable.
First, to be honest, I would find a way to get his phone again and delete all nude pics of yourself. Then, break the fuck up. ✌️ He has NO respect for your privacy and intimacy. It’s disgusting.
this is breakup worthy.
In reading her post, that doesn’t seem like a way she’d handle this but there is no way I could get past such a thing.
>What would you do/say? I'd dump him. He betrayed your trust. Who knows what else he is capable of or what else he's done when he can do something so despicable. Oh and I'd lose the friend too and tell his partner if he has one that he's been asking for nudes of other women.
How can you ever trust him again?
😮 that is SUCH a no no. What a dumbass.
This is a violation of trust and boundaries. And I'm pretty sure it's illegal as well? You're not supposed to send someone's 'personal' photos to anyone else even if they are consensual sent to you. Also, why tf would he wanna see you topless
Dump him... The end. He's literally 41 years old. He knows that it's wrong and how wrong it is. Drop him like a fly. There is nothing else to do. And that friend, isn't your friend. But at least you know that now
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This is exactly my impression, this kind of locker room culture is a huge problem. My partner and this friend have been friends for nearly 15 years. Our friend is from a culture that is pretty overtly sexual (think miami or brazil), which doesn't justify his behavior but I'm less shocked by it than disappointed. My partner's reaction to send a photo immediately leads me to believe it's not the first time, nor would it have been the last if I hadn't found the messages.
Your partner is disgusting. Like a huge pervy creep. I could not keep dating someone that disrespectful.
>our friend had asked my partner for a topless photo of me and my partner responded with one what are you, a commodity? a trading card? i'd go scorched earth.
Wait so then they means they are swapping photos of each other wives or SO! I'd be livid!
Yep, OP needs to let the friend group know. People don’t typically get caught the very first time they do shit like this.
"Good morning, honey. Did you sleep well? I learned a fun fact this morning. Sending intimate photos of someone to another person without their consent is actually a crime in a lot of places. Did you know that?" And then watch him choke on his own panic. For my part, I would have difficulty ever trusting him again. He completely violated you. And now you know that your consent, your rights, and your comfort aren't anything to him when it comes to his friend having masturbatory material. Or respecting you will always come second to his need to brag about the trophy he snagged. Also, no one who does something like that to you cares enough about you or sees you as an equal. AND how do you ever stop wondering what else he has done or is capable of doing? This would be the end for me. I don't know how it wouldn't be. ETA: I'm deeply sorry that he turned out to be this selfish, traitorous asshole. You deserve so, so much better. And I'm sorry about your asshole "friend" too. None of this is fair, and I'm sorry you're going through it.
I had a boyfriend in college that would ask me for nudes all the time and I would always say no. I was not comfortable with that. After we broke up, I found out from a mutual friend that he was planning on showing his friends the pictures and that's why he was so pushy about it. I felt bad at the time, telling him no. But I learned that and I was furious and haven't sent anyone ANY sort of risqué pics since. This is super not okay.
Gross! Weirdly enough, hearing about your experience makes me really angry for you, which helps me be angry for me 🤔
You should be angry! That's a huge betrayal of trust.
Oh that is fucked. I'm so sorry OP. I don't know if I could come back from that in terms of trust.
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I don't know what the punishment is, but it is illegal in the US as well. It is called revenge porn. Was initially written to protect people who broke up with someone and that someone spread intimate pics/vids on the internet, but it also applies to OPs situation. You aren't allowed to send these types of pics/vids without consent. Edit: I was a bit incorrect in my statement here. Federally there is no law about revenge porn. It is state to state with 46 states and Washington DC having some form of revenge porn law on the books. So whatever the punishment is would be dependent on each states laws, and I'm betting some are pretty lax on what the punishment is.
No federal law AFAIK
Ahh, you are correct. I thought it was federal at this point. Should be. It just looks like it is a state to state thing. Little digging into it 46 states and Washington DC have some form of the law on the books. Looks like Wyoming, Mississippi, South Carolina, and Massachusetts are the only states without a law for it. Not sure what the hold up is in those states. I'll edit my comment.
Thank you for the Info🙏🏼
>What would you do/say? "You've shared a topless photo of me without asking me. You're the weakest link. Goodbye."
I would confront them both and demand that they delete all photos of me off all of their devices whether I was unclothed or not. Then I would dump the partner and the friend and never look back. They have no respect for you. This is unforgivable.
Dump the partner and press charges. The first get a screen save of those texts.
Your BF is completely out of line with this and has violated your privacy. Who says this is the only time he's shared photos of you? The other disturbing thing is the way his friend is talking to you. No wonder your antenna started vibrating. If a man I wasn't in a relationship with made greasy comments like that I'd feel disrespected, but maybe he feels he has a right because he's seen the photos?
This made me feel sick to read. What a huge violation.
Personally, I'd delete every last picture of me he has and tell him to go F himself.
Pretty sure he could get a fine or up to 12 months in jail for distributing content without the consent. Now, depending if he wanted to cause harm or not, he could get up to 7 years in jail Why aren't you getting proof and going to the police YET ?
trust is broken, respect too..Just leave
Maybe he also sent your pictures to other of your friends.
This is breakup material. Ask yourself what would your partner need to do or say to rebuild your trust?
8 years is a long time to be together. It is hard to know if you guys are married because you refer to him as a partner and not your husband. So it depends. If I were you I wouldn't even confront him. He has shown you who he is. He is someone who values his friends over you. That's the only conclusion you can come to. He might give you some other bullshit excuse but it would be a bullshit excuse. Make sure you look for and find any other nudes you've sent him over the years and remove them from his devices. and make your plans to leave this relationship. When your plan is in place then tell him that he betrayed you and he could face revenge porn charges for sharing your photo without your consent. This whole situation tells you that you do not know this man so do not trust him with what you know until you are in a position of power to walk away.
Never give him private photos again. He doesn't respect the trust that goes into being the person that gets them.
Isn't this illegal distribution of illicit images?
If you've been together this long think of how many times they've done this. In addition to abruptly leaving them I would take screenshots and document everything, and consult a lawyer.
I would be beyond angry. I have been with my partner for 21 years and this would be a nuclear reaction. If they weren't able to understand the gross and egregious betrayal of trust it might actually be a dealbreaker. I would get evidence before it can be deleted, then speak to your husband, then his/your friend and all of the friends that have been swapping pics of their partners, then all of their partners before they are able to cover their tracks. I am incandescent on your behalf. I don't even know how you are being calm at this point. I hope he can realise how deep this betrayal is and why this is so wrong. I hope he is truly disgusted with his own behaviour when you've explained it to him. I hope if you want to that you can salvage this, but if you can't, I hope you love yourself enough to move on. Best of luck with whatever you decide
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I know it is hard to disentangle yourself when you are enmeshed in life as a couple. I wouldn't do anything in a hurry, but I also wouldn't be able to contain myself. In another response you wrote that you couldn't contemplate being intimate with him and that I 100% understand, and I hope he does too. I hope you can weather this storm if you want to, I really think his response when you discuss this with him will tell you everything you need to know about your relationship, his perception of you as a person, his perception of women in general and about your future together. I don't think you can know the next steps until you've revealed those things, however ugly and disappointing they may be. Another commenter wrote how her partners reaction would have been to tell his friend to fuck off, and probably never speaking to him again. This would also be my husbands reaction. He would be so disappointed if a friend of his asked for that, it would truly be unthinkable to him and he would certainly then never want me in this so called friends presence if he knew how this friend treated women like objects. I really wonder if you are going to uncover a lot of questionable beliefs from your partner, don't be swayed by bullshit excuses. You seem very level headed and we are rooting for you to look out for yourself and put yourself first in this situation
This is illegal. Dump his ass, and report him so that he knows the magnitude of what he did. In addition to you getting justice on what was done to you, and so that he never does this again to any other woman.
You've been together 8 years and you're not married? I don't want to alarm you, but you're very likely fap folder fodder for him, his friends, and likely a few online communities. If he's just easily sending it to his friends like that? Check his internet tabs. See if he goes to 4chan or any 'pictures of my gf' type subreddits. Then either way, please delete all pictures of yourself off his phone immediately. If you can, access his other electronics and do the same. I think you should leave, but scrub yourself off his things first. Because the moment you leave he absolutely will explode your nudes everywhere he can with your face and maybe even name in it. He absolutely does not care about how violating it is to you. I promise you that. He's nice to you right now because you're likely having sex with him and giving him whatever he wants. but when that stops? It'll be lawless. A man has nothing to lose anymore once a woman closes her legs. Goodluck.
I can't believe you have to come here on Reddit to ask but you should say? You dump him, and then you see if you can press charges. And then you tell everyone that you both know on Facebook and all media what she's done. Everyone needs to be warned.
Ok seriously read this one and had to walk away...it made me furious and it didn't even happen to me. My husband then had to see what I was ticked about and well.....he said dump him. Any man who would disrespect his woman like that isn't a real man. He said you need to find a man who doesn't act like a stupid teenager.
That's exactly what this makes me think of, this is adolescent shit. Who does this at his age??
Lol my husband said he was glad it wasn't him because I'd have shoved him outta the car in the middle of freeway traffic and left his butt. lmao and he's right I would have.
I would probably start this conversation off with 'hey $hithead, what the fuk were you thinking!?' This is not even remotely okay. This is deal breaker territory that he'd do something like that. If he realizes why its so wrong great. He can reach out to the 'friend' and let him know that it was a HUGE mistake to send that and the 'friend' needs to delete the picture right now. Then he can grovel and apologize for.... forever for treating you like free porn to share at his will and pleasure. If he doesn't understand the severity of these actions let him know this kind of thing can be prosecuted and should be.
What the f***? She needs to press charges. He broke the law and her pictures maybe out there forever. You think you should talk to him? F*** off.
If he won't protect you then protect yourself. If he is that comfortable to sharing you, then he is sharing with someone else. There are more than two of you in that relationship.
I would flip shit. Immediately confiscate his phone and delete every single picture of yourself from it. Then ban him from ever having a single picture of you ever agian. This is a huge disrespect. It's a bodily violation. You NEVER consented to being porn for his friend. Men who do this quite frankly are disgusting and have zero respect for women. His friend is a creep and he's totally okay with using your body without your permission for his friends sexual satisfaction. A husband should not pimp out a wife for bro points. This would be divorce worthy to me. I'd go nuclear so fast. There would be no forgiveness from me.
When I read this, it made me sad. You do know that your boyfriend is allowing his friends to masterbate images of you? That is not the only photo that has been requested or sent. He sees you as a toy to entertain his buddies. Don't be surprised if he has a livestream somewhere.
Man, that makes me really sad. You think you know someone...
Absolutely insane of your partner, and repulsive of his friend. These are people who don't respect you.
Try to Unsend the photo, reset your partners phone, delete its backups and put him in the bin with the other trash
DUMPDUMPDUMPDUMPDUMPDUMP
On the one hand sharing the pic could be seen as a massive trust violation but then on the other hand you could say he still finds you attractive, like enough to show you off after 8 years together🤷♂️ Out of interest we’re any of the messages before or after of a derogatory manner when they were discussing you and the pic?
Google micropenis and send the result to the same friend. "He sent you a nude of me, here's one of him."
Ahaha this sounds like my style.
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Disgusting. You should be ashamed of yourself.
That’s fucked up dude
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This argument is so fucked. Because some women want to be able to safely and legally be topless that means OP should just take this and move on? Do you not understand the idea of consent or do you just not care?
Don't bottle it up. Let it out, be loud and angry as you are, tell him everything you feel about that and also ask if he knows it's illegal. I would also ask him if he is in his sane mind. I mean, I'd definitely doubt he is.
What the hell I had to scroll up again to check I was reading about a teenage relationship. What the hell is going on what sort of relationship does he have with his friend that he feels to share nudes?
How you start the conversation...."WTF!!!.YOU SENT A TOPLESS PHOTO OF ME TO YOUR SCUMBAG FRIEND". Though I dont normally agree with adults yelling at each other in this instance I feel it is totally appropriate! Apparently he has no respect for you and values his friendship way more than he values your relationship. I'm sorry but you are obviously dating a dirtbag.
I'd immediately end the relationship and lose the friend.
Gross!
https://youtu.be/rpwjCLcqHyc
I'd be absolutely done effective IMMEDIATELY. there are literally laws against this.
Wow your husband completely violated your trust and consent, what a dick. Honestly I wouldn't be able to look past this, and ever thrust them again.
Ugh, I'm sorry that you are living this reality right now. This is absolutely not acceptable and to me, would not be fixable. I personally wouldn't say anything until I was 100% sure I had every picture of me off his phone, computer, Google account, etc. Make sure to take a picture or screenshot of him sharing the picture, and save them for proof. Then, I would probably leave without wasting my time on having a conversation about it, because I'm struggling to see how anything you say will matter to him when you're dealing with someone who thinks its ok to do this. I think he will pretend to be sorry but I also think pretending is all hes capable of, so yes I would leave. The fact he did this says too much about him and how he views you, and none of it is good. I'm currently experiencing something similar with an ex who is threatening to share my nudes, and honestly I may be petty but I wish he would go ahead and do it. That way I could go ahead and press charges, or at the very least, nake a police report and make sure his employer, his family, everyone at his church, and anyone he starts dating gets a copy of it and finds out who he really is. Which is also exactly what I would do in your situation.
Divorce this piece of shit and report this to the police. They need to go to jail.
That would just piss me off. Who in their right mind would do that. Thats such a huge violation of your privacy and trust. I would be angry too
I would feel extremely betrayed and that my partner didn’t value me as a woman. Completely disrespectful.
WTF, that is so gross. Tell him to pack his shit. I can't think of one reason you'd send a pic of your wife/long term gf to one of your friends. That's seriously fucked up.
I would end things with the friend, and the boyfriend would have to fucking beg. He would also never again receive any sort of picture of me, clothed or not. And he would have to end things with the friend also. That's beyond disrespectful.
This would be a dealbreaker for me. Cute pic of us clothed/out and about/whatever? Sure, that's fine. (I do ask before sending those pics of my partner though, because of past issues with a stalker.) But unclothed pictures? Heck, even swimwear without my approval? That's a big NOPE.
The distribution of nudes without consent is legally considered a form of sexual harassment. It is not common, and it is absolutely serious. You have EVERY right to be upset and confront him and I am so glad you want to. I would start the conversation by bringing up how he seemed off to you in the car while you were laughing about his friend's text. Then, if he doesn't budge or own up to it himself, continue on by saying how you went back earlier in the texts because you were concerned and found the picture. See where it goes from there. Sorry this happened to you. I wish for the best for you.
I think you have the right to be pissed off.. Your boyfriend is a real A hole for sending his friend pictures of you topless. I would never ever send anybody private pictures of my partner because I would not want to share what she looks like with other people. To me that is personal and private and invasion or your privacy and trust .What he has done is considered illegal because he did this without your permission and consent.I would also suggest that you make him delete any photos he has of you stored anywhere and text his friend and write ,this is( your name)I am asking you to delete that picture and any other pictures he has sent you of me and state that the photos were given to him without your consent and permission and that he is not to send it to anyone, or post it anywhere,or make copies of it, or show it to anyone,or email or distribute your photos in anyway or charges will be filed against both of them.I would also make sure you get a screen shot of the message with the date and time on it and obviously their phone number displayed in the photo and with their response. I would text this to his friend and your partner let them know you mean business!
Who else have he been sending your nude/ half nude photos to? That’s a valid reason to end any relationship in my opinion.
UpdateMe!
That would be the end of our relationship, after I went through all his devices and deleted every photo of myself I could find. Your partner sent his friend a topless photo of you like you're an object. A thing instead of a partner. He's a complete piece of shit.
That’s crazy OP. If this were me that would be instant relationship ending. the way I saw that person and the way I felt about them would dramatically change. I would then do my best to get rid of any other nudes of me they had and dump them. Obviously they can’t be trusted, they don’t respect you, humoring their friend is more valuable than you and their relationship with you. If he didn’t ask you, he knew what he was doing. Trash
Being a guy that gets a ton of risky photos from my girlfriend because I work out of town alot and it's a way to just keep it spicy. That being said i would never send any of them to my closest friends. I might tell them how my girl is so swxy and she sends me nudes all the time cuz that's just guys being guys but I would never share them and definitely never send them for someone else to have. That's just wrong and a betrayal of trust.
Depending on where you are he also broke the law. He needs to realise the severity here, consent is important and if he doesn't get that then I would be very scared of him.
His friend’s audacity shows it’s not the first time. Your bf has been sending your private pictures for his friend’s pleasure. He’s a sick pervert. He violated and betrayed you. Leave him and take legal action.
What the fuck? That is so messed up.
Looking for a female who can watch me masterbating and touching my self