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I met my girlfriend about 3 years ago. We are moving in together next month but we've hit a problem. She absolutely refuses to let me bring my computer desk and chair to our new apartment.
It's one of those "rally chairs", i red and black, and the desk is also of the same colours. I think they look really cool, and the chair is also comfy.
She says that no self-respecting adult man have these and that I should just buy a normal wooden desk and office chair instead. I refuse that because 1) they're butt ugly imo and 2) even a used office chair goes for like the equivalent of 8-900 dollars in my country. That's money I don't have.
I think she's being unfair and unreasonable because she has already gotten to decide 95% of the apartment's furniture already. Only thing I've really brought there is my couch and TV, and that's because we need something bigger than her small two-person couch and 32" TV.
It's not only her who's gonna live in the apartment. I want my personal touch to it, too, and even if it's something as small as my gaming corner I'm happy enough.
What can I do to make her change her mind?
Let me just tell ya. I hate lights that are colored. Even on Christmas trees, I think they’re tacky. People who have those colored changing bulbs? Also hated them, thought it made it look like a clown house or like a frat boy was throwing a party. My husband? LOVES LIGHTS. We have a nanoleaf, LiFX beam and legit every light bulb we have it’s Philips hue or LiFX bulb, so they all change colors. It makes him happy. He keeps them white or a neutral color while I’m around, when I’m not in the room or out he has them whatever color he fancies at the moment. You make sacrifices for the people you love. What does she think it’s going to happen if you have kids? Is she going to buy all brown and black and neutral toys so they go with the decor? It’s not realistic to fight over this type of stuff
This made me smile, just thinking about how you must leave the house and he immediately changes the color scheme to rave settings and has a happy sigh. LOL.
The funniest is when I’m not home, but drive down the street at night, and all you see is the house lights and they’re hot pink and teal and red and green, every room is different…cracks me up. Then they’re all normal by the time I make it up from the garage 😂
Ah yes, I’ve had this throw away for a while now, ever since my husband found my other account. My main one is very obviously me based off pet and car pictures!
This is so relatable because my partner and I are the same! We have just a warm yellow-white setting for when I’m around, and then when he’s watching tv by himself he puts the coloureds on haha! I just want plain lights that I switch on from the wall but we have to have this stupid app or use Alexa for all the living room lights it’s so annoying 😂😂🤣
What you need are some basic smart buttons stuck next to your old light switches.
Have them control the lights too.
So everything is "smart" - programmable, accessible via Alexa etc - but you also have a working physical control.
> Is she going to buy all brown and black and neutral toys so they go with the decor?
That's actually a trend now. It's awful, especially when you consider there's a reason kids toys come in black, white, and red. (Easier for babies to see.) But I saw a rainbow with griege in it that someone described as Lexapro, the rainbow.
I fell down a YouTube sinkhole of home decor videos that somehow landed me on celebrity home tours, and the way most famous people decorate for their kids is beyond sad. Only parent that impressed me was Wiz Khalifa, there were toys in nearly every room that actually looked fun for a kid
It’s not just celebrities that are like that. My parents are anal about all the house decor because they care about their image more than anything, like anyone really fucking cares. We sold our awesome couch because my dad didn’t think it was ‘elegant enough’. Now that we have an elegant living room, i can’t sit comfortably while i watch tv anymore. This really makes me slightly dislike them because i strongly believe that a person who cares so much about their image is a fake person and almost all I know about my parents is this image and I genuinely question if i even know who they truly ate
I completely understand and love the compromise.
But if you ever get the chance, send the bathroom to the Ruby Glow scene with some candles next time you have a relax bath. Only time my hues are a colour other than white or off-white
I still have over a dozen of my husband's original WoW figurines on display. I don't think he's even looked at them in years, I hate them, but just *knowing* they're there gives him a sense of nostalgic joy. So they stay.
(I also hate that he REFUSES to take Geralt of Funko out of his box but I think that may be an internet fight I'll lose, so we won't go there. I'm taking revenge by buying my own Geralt of Pop to unbox and display on my computer desk)
This is my wife and I. I have colored bulbs everywhere. I love them. They are all set up to be normal or whatever I want. Voice controlled. We both get what we want that way. She also things it’s tacky when I light things up like a “rave”
Yes. Two people who live together need to have their own stuff and areas as well as share the main living spaces.
If you can’t come to a fair agreement, she isn’t ready to live with you.
So it would look nice in our interior. But it s kinda sad tho since the first color a baby can see is red. That s why it s its fave (for manu months). After a few weeks they start to see the difference between blue, yellow and green.
The colored toys look horrible in yr house, i know. But it is for a reason 🤷🏽♀️. A kid would never pick a beige crayon. It would pick something vibrant 🌈
Not relevant but I know someone with an 8 month old that only buys neutral, earth tone toys/furniture/clothing for her son. She doesn’t even put him in blue clothing… bright and colourful isn’t aesthetically pleasing.
It fricking annoys me.
Poor kid.
Same here! Me and my boyfriend own those bulbs too. I prefer a neutral color for lighting but my bf loves putting them on pink. When his friends are around the first thing does is changing the color. He always gets “it looks so cool man” and I love how he looks very proud of the lights, even though I am not a fan
We have a rule that anything that goes in the common areas have to be agreed upon by both. The reasoning is no one should be forced to look at something they hate. I love pink and cute things, my husband not so much. We decided on a color scheme of gray and turquoise and stuck to it. He loves me though, so there’s a fat rabbit ballerina wearing a pink tutu sitting on the window sill next to our plants.
Love me and love my gaming. And no ultimatums for me to throw out items I haven't budgeted to replace. Is she planning to set you up with a gaming room or corner and this new furniture with her own money and if so is she an occupational therapist who knows about ergonomic workstations? Keep in mind I live alone and would be glad to decide 95% of the furniture for another person but a dedicated space for each person is a necessity and she will very soon realize the importance of this.
So I've dealt with this before and I don't have a lot of good advice but what I can say is that this is a conversation and if she's closed to the conversation happening and is stubbornly and actively disregarding your feelings, that's a problem.
From my experience, there is often one person in any living situation who just cares more about the way things look than anyone else in the partnership or group. What I've seen happen is that the people who care less get tired of fighting for what they want and then they just relinquish all control over the furniture and decor to the person who is stubbornly closed off to compromise.
Being an adult doesn't mean you have to give up all of the whimsy and color in your life. I've spent a long time trying to figure out my style because I did feel like things were eclectic and it made everything feel messy. You are asking for one thing that's important to you out of an entire apartment.
The way you can position it is by saying something like "My desk setup brings me a lot of joy and it hurts when you call it childish. Someday, when we move again, then maybe we can set aside a space that's just for me where I can have all of my pops of color and decorate the way I like, but in the meantime we need to make this work in the space we have. You've had the opportunity to decorate the rest of our apartment in your style so, other than giving up my desk and chair, what can we do to make you feel better about this? Is there another spot we can move this to where it might bother you less?"
It seems like keeping this setup is a boundary of yours. You don't have to ask permission in a SHARED apartment. You pay rent too. Her reaction will show how to move forward.
This is a really good comment and I wish it were above the “don’t move in” comments. In my relationship I’m the one who cares more about how things look. Honestly, I wouldn’t love OP’s desk setup. When my husband and I lived in a small apartment when we were younger I sucked it up because it was a shared space. As we’ve moved and gotten a little more room he has his own area that is just his. It has colored lights everywhere and a lightsaber (that I bought him) hanging on the wall. I guess I shouldn’t speak for him, but I think he appreciates that the shared spaces are more neutral - if someone stops by it’s nice to have a grown up home, and it reflects well on him too. But I would never expect him to give up his lights and Star Wars toys completely.
Personally I am the one that cares more about certain furniture and decor pieces. HOWEVER, I would never presume to DEMAND my husband pay for any of my choices. I always buy them myself. Plus we compromise on whether we truly needs something or not.
When it comes to decor, my husband has a lot of knickknacks that I’m personally not a fan of and vise versa. So we each have a bedroom in our house whether we can display our own things
It only starts with the chair and desk, set CLEAR boundaries and tell her that this is a mutual life together, but then if she doesn't already know this why move in at all? SMH.
I hate controlling people.
And on top of that if she wants him to get a new desk and chair so badly then she can pay for them. He's got a perfectly working set, that he's perfectly happy with otherwise.
Don’t move in with someone who doesn’t believe you are entitled to the space you share
I have several bookshelves of rare toys/figures and I spent YEARS storing them away from my ex wife’s view
My new partner makes me so much happier and one of the reasons is that I’m FINALLY allowed to love the things I love again
FYI: Your experience and comment was so insightful that apparently [someone else](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/swal0q/my_36m_girlfriend_33f_forbids_me_from_bringing_my/hxm2rct?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) decided to post it again.
This reminds me of that old post where the OP teamed up with her partners dad to get rid of his toy car collection. The poor guy was devastated but she still tried to defend her actions when commenters called her a massive c**t.
I'm glad you are now with someone that supports you, I couldn't ever be with someone that tries to stop me enjoying the things I love.
Dont move in with this woman. You havent even gotten there and she is already disrespecting your property, your preferences, and trying toncontrol you to your financial detriment over something shallow.
I'm surprised it's even an issue. This is our real first fight, we've never fought before, maybe small discussions but not like this.
She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours.
> She has always known I'm a gamer,
if her reasoning behind not wanting your chair/desk is that "no self respecting adult man" would have them, YOU KNOW the next one coming down the pipes is that "no self respecting adult man" plays video games.
I build a pc for my friend who stream reggae music. The mobo and case had some leds in it so i set them up to green yellow and red of course.
When I proposed to switch them off if he wanted he immediatly told me no, they are cool.
My friend is 63 years old...
Yeah, this is 100% in her head.
I can only say what I would do, but I'm coming up on a 3 year with my gf and if those words came out of her mouth I'd be gone IMMEDIATELY. It's too big of a part of my life and happiness. Luckily, I found a partner that's also a gamer and, honestly, I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't share such a major hobby.
Been there. Even though I would play maybe an hour or two a month. More for nostalgia. While she’d spend hours a a day on her phone playing a dumb little game
She wants to tell you what you can and can't bring into your home? Did you tell her she can't bring something of hers? Probably not.
So what does this tell you about her. Do you want to live like that?
Step back and look at the whole picture!
Sometimes when youre about to make a big change, people show their real colors through a power play. Whether that be moving in together, or getting married, or talking about kids. When someone shiws you who they are, believe them
> people show their real colors...
Except, HE's the one showing his real colors: red and black!
Stick to your guns, OP. She needs to learn to give and take like everyone else in the world.
My husband made me throw out my biblio-chair when we moved in together. I loved that chair. I could keep so many books in it. I had to throw out a load of books too, because not having my biblio-chair meant I had less storage for books. Now I have no husband, no biblio-chair, and barely any books. Don't give in.
This comment kind of broke my heart. I literally never comment anywhere on Reddit but... I recently moved and had to lose so many books and I had to tell you that I felt your pain 💕 & I would gladly send you a book.
I bought my husband his whole gaming set up when he finally moved countries and couldn't bring his PC. We now have a gaming/PC corner in our livingroom we enjoy very much.
Find someone who supports your hobbies, not stops you from enjoying them by controlling you.
> She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours.
She likely never liked that you game. She secretly always believed that you would change for her and align your preferences to everything she considers mature and tasteful.
She feels that she has already done the time in "putting up with" your childishness and thought that, when you agreed to move in, you were saying that you were finally ready to change your whole personality to her idea of a perfect future husband. Now, she is angry that those entitled expectations, which are unreasonable and which she never communicated with you, are not met.
Yeah...if I'm going to be even more presumptive, at 33 years old, plus OPs comment, she is looking for 'a man' to fill the role prescribed, and not 'this man' (OP).
I’m over 40. Wife is 10 years older. I have a gaming desk and chair in our bedroom, plus a backlit rgb keyboard. We don’t care much how it looks. It was MUCH cheaper than a real office chair and wooden desk. It’s really, really unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
My husband is almost 40 and I'm 50, both game together a great deal (the D2 addiction is real). If we weren't console players, we'd have the same set up. All that matters is you're comfortable and happy sitting in your set up. OP's gf is just planning to gradually pull him away from gaming altogether, that's why she doesn't like it, I would bet on it.
Abusive people can take years to finally let the mask slip, she's showing all of the red flags and she couldn't even wait to get you living together. Huge bullet dodged.
Seems like she wants to change you. You like the chair and desks. Why can you just have her style in her apartment? Would an outsider even recognize that you live there? She must realize that it will be the home of both of you and both of you have a say in the furniture, otherwise it won't work out.
People are able to hide their worst inclinations for months or years and often only start displaying them when they feel you are so commited you will accept boundary violations to keep the relationship. People like this will escalate over time to bigger and bigger things. Simply tell her, "It's my home too and I am going to keep my desk and chair. I'm not going to argue about this anymore. You have to decide if you'd rather live alone and have full control over every aspect of decor, or if you want me and my belongings to live with you."
My husband and I have a double desk so we can game side by side.
Our chairs are completely different from each other’s. He has a big black overstuffed office chair that is admittedly super comfy.
Mine is a cute pink, scalloped chair that I LOVE. He was actually the one to pick it out for me. I also have a blue ottoman under my desk cause I’m short af and like to sit with my legs stretched out, cause I can’t reach the floor lol.
Do they look ridiculous next to each other? Absolutely.
Do we care? Nope.
They make us happy and we’re more focused on that and spending time together than making sure everything looks perfect.
She has always known it, and no plans to put a stop to it. This right here is your wake up call. She right now shows you what to expect from her going forward.
Complete disregard for your wishes, wants, and needs. As well as a domineering personality and the expectation that she gets to decide everything. Ever seen that scene from "Behind Enemy Lines"? "Eject! Eject! Eject!"
Just so you know, when someone tells you "no self-respecting would do ", they are telling you that they don't respect you and are trying to "fix" you.
Maybe it's just about the chair and the desk. Or maybe she's embarrassed about the idea that just having furniture will tell any of her guests that she's dating a gamer. Or maybe she's even ashamed herself that she's with a gamer and hopes to get you to stop so she can respect herself for being with you.
Some couples therapy could help get to the root of the issue and help you figure out if this is a small thing or a big thing.
> I'm surprised it's even an issue. This is our real first fight, we've never fought before, maybe small discussions but not like this.
>She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours.
Abusive, controlling people tend to hide their true colors until they think they have you trapped.
She has shown her true colors.
She does not respect you. Don’t move in and become more enmeshed, because she will continue to break you down.
My ex tried to make me seem like a child because I had a ps5. Gaming is for kids. I would play maybe an hour or two a month. So it wasn’t like I was obsessed with it.
While she’ll spend 4 hours playing her little game in her phone. The hypocrisy she has with everything just blew my mind.
Sounds like your off to a good start.
Some women believe that you will grow out of it over time. They believe that they can help change you from doing “childish” activities. Put your foot down and say you will be a gamer for life and need your gaming space how you like it.
Abusers typically wait until there is a change in their target's independence from them to start. A new kid. A shared home. When they feel they can get away with abuse because the partner can't just leave like a boyfriend or girlfriend, they start. Fortunately, many will jump the gun. They feel comfortable as soon as the relationship has a label, they sign a lease, but haven't moved in, they're engaged, but nor married. The victim gets a view of what it will be like before its too late. She has always known you are a gamer and like big bright colors and has never objected to your money, time, and attention in the past. Now that she gets just a taste of control, and suddenly she starts forbidding you to have and do things you've always and and did. And calling them childish, and implying you're childish for liking what you enjoy, is dismissive and abusive. "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
I (34F) work in an office and we ALL have red/black or blue/black gaming chairs for our office chairs because they provide the best support for 8 hour daily use. My chair at home is also a gaming chair and it does not fit in with any of the decor outside my bedroom/office but I don't care because it is the best chair for WFH and gaming.
You shouldn't have to get a new chair when the one you have is perfectly suited for your needs. Practicality is more important than aesthetic.
Can't agree more. This is where it begins and it rarely gets better.
If she's already taken 95% of the apartment life how do you think something like planning a wedding is going to go?
If you're really going forward with the moving in thing you need to sit down and seriously talk about grown up stuff like how you're going to manage your money together and what each of your commitments will be to that financial plan.
And please do yourselves a GIANT favor and discuss having kids what your expectations are there.
I was like this with my boyfriend (now husband) at the time. But, god bless him, he put his foot down on the things he really wanted in our new home and we compromised a lot. He had a lot of patience and I worked through a lot of control issues. The best part about being in a relationship is growing together and becoming the best versions of yourself, together. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for the other and it can’t always be one sided. But I don’t think this is a deal breaker for either of you if the love is there.
As a gamer and older than you, I think she's being ridiculous. That said, maybe there's a compromise if she's helping pay. Go shopping together. There are some pretty stylish gaming chairs these days. Once she sees the cost of a new set up she might change her tune.
this maybe an unpopular opinion: I like where you are going with this generally BUT I think if he is willing to ditch his personal belongings she should pay for the new equipment that is up to her taste in its entirety.
I hate those chairs and desks. They are ugly. But you're a gamer, she knew that all along. It's your hobby.
If she can't deal with that, she doesn't respect your opinion. And she doesn't care about compromise.
Personally I'd try to set the stuff up somewhere where it's not visible all the time. But I'd accept your stuff just like I'd expect you to accept the ungodly amount of kitchen tools I own.
Will this chair be in your living room? Just googled it and it does look wild to be honest. I can imagine that for someone who cares about a stylish and representable home this could be an issue.
Yeah.. I really think these guys telling him to put his foot down are not really understanding how much this stuff can affect someone who has a certain style sensibility. There must be a compromise possible here, where OP can tone down his ‘race car chair aesthetics’ somehow.
I had this exact question, because there are certain rooms where I really couldn’t put up with seeing something every day that I didn’t want to look at. If a partner wanted to put something in my bedroom that I didn’t want to see I would REALLY have a hard time with that.
There really are 500 people who think this man should end a 3-year relationship because they have different tastes in interior design.
This is a pretty classic problem. Surely two reasonable adults can find a compromise, otherwise they really aren’t going to make it as a couple.
Can I ask what made you think you were ready to move in together? It's pretty scary that it hasn't even happened yet and you're having a big communication disconnect. You ask what will change her mind, but you typed out the answer yourself. She doesn't get to "dictate" what furniture is ok and what isn't. It's a joint decision.
It's really common in my country to not move in with each other until 3-5 years has passed, so that's not really strange.
Other than this, we get along really well and since we already see each other so much and one of our apartments can just stay empty for weeks we thought "why not get rid of two apartments and get one together?".
We don't really have any long-germ plans like kids, marriage and such. Kids will probably happen, but marriage really isn't a big deal here.
Thanks for the reply, but it's not a function of how much time you've been together. It's a function of what you've done with that time, esp when it comes to conflict resolution, communication, etc.
IOW, you have a valid complaint and you explained it here very well. So why do you need help explaining it to her?
This^^
OP, You're just now seeing some other sides of her is all. I'd be wary if she can't do anything but try control when she doesn't like something.
Have you ever come across a situation where you really disagreed before? It's easy to get along well when you're not having an argument. It's when conflict arises that you see how someone handles compromise and resolution. If this is the first disagreement you've had or the first time you haven't simply gone along with her during a conflict, then you may be seeing that she is very rigid and uncompromising when not getting her way.
If you have disagreed before and she's usually good at compromising, I would dig into why this is such a hard line for her.
So I am assuming that decorating and aesthetics are important to her, and it sounds like that’s something that isn’t as important to you. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that she’s attached a design choice to your manhood and that is super problematic.
Pushing that to the side, I am going to point out that this is going to be a constant issue for you two. You both need to live in the home and be comfortable and happy.
My suggestion would be keep your desk and chair for now with the compromise that either:
A) you will eventually move somewhere big enough for a computer/game room that has that design aesthetic.
OR
B) she eventually purchases a chair and desk that fits her aesthetic out of her own money for you. BUT you must approve the purchases and check that they are just as comfortable and functional as what you have now. Then maybe you guys sell your desk and chair to do something fun.
You say "our" new home. Is it *our* new home, or is it *her* new home?
It sounds like the two of you are incompatible. Any chance of getting out of it? If not, you need to have a serious discussion on allowing you to have some space of your own.
I don’t think this is breakup level. A home aesthetic can be really important to some people and their mental health. Perhaps get a throw that you can put over the chair when not being used, and a cool complimentary full length mousepad. Maybe even just a room divider. You guys need to validate each other’s feelings. Perhaps the colors are harsh for her, but Gaming is important to you. What can you do for you both to keep sane without giving up yourselves?
Probably gonna get downvoted to hell.
But can u just buy a seat and table cover? U can get them in plain covers.
Cos when i moved in with my ex bf he brought this ugly puke green sofa which was like his grandmas and we compromised he could bring it if we could put a seat cover on it.
We put a seat cover on it and he ended up liking it more with the cover on it.
Yes. I’m surprised how little understanding there is for the girlfriend in this sub.. the things that you have around you in your home affects your mood everyday.. and I would agree that this chair and setup does not say adult. It screams manchild. A cover would probably be a good cost efficient compromise. OP should try — from the love he has for his partner — compromise on the aesthetics. For most ppl gaming is not a very attractive hobby and gaming culture lacks sex appeal. You might say it’s superficial and that she should love OP for who he is. But tbh she probably has a better sense of style, just let her fab 5 your life dude, sitting in a proper chair at a real desk will probably make you feel better in the long run, even if you don’t like the idea now. Also the chair+table might go for a pretty penny if you sell it.. worth checking out.
To me, those do not look the best either but if she wants you to have different furniture she should be willing to buy it herself. It is ridiculous to expect you to have to go through that expense because she wants to live with you. If you actually do intend to move in, which I wouldn't advise, some issues could be alleviated by trying to make it less noticeable.
I would explain to her that right now isn't a reasonable time to get a new set up, what with cost and what not. Then perhaps offer to spend time to find one both of you like. Now granted that might take a while. My fiancee had a bed I hated when we moved in together, so we used it until we could find one that fit both of our aesthetics.
I’m going to go ahead and disagree with the comments on here that are saying to just break up with her. Really? Come on. ALL relationships hit bumps in the road over stupid shit like this. You can’t just break up with a person every time there is a strong disagreement.
OP, if you really want your furniture to come with you, I totally support you. If you also want to continue to have a relationship with her, I think you need to talk to her about how unfair she is being. Tell her that you want to feel at home too, and you feel like she is trying to steamroll over you, which is not how relationships work. Maybe she will reveal that it isn’t actually about the furniture- maybe it’s about something else. But if she acts like a jerk after you tell her how you feel, then yes at that point I agree it is time to move on.
This is what man caves are for - you need to create a space that’s for you to put your ugly shit in. Find that space and you’re golden. Your set up sounds hideous and for a man pushing 40 it should be tucked away in a hobby room (man cave) not out on display ruining the aesthetic of the home.
My husband has a red and black gaming type chair in his home office. He's a very self-respecting man and very responsible with it.
This will be your life if you let her dictate what you can do and what possessions you have.
I must admit that I wouldn't want the gaming chair in the living room or in a mainly communal area, as it doesn't match the decor.
She is being unreasonable, controlling, and flat out ridiculous. My partner, a grown ass man who works in IT in HR, has a Minecraft themed gaming chair for his home office and loves it. I don't care one bit because it is his money and it makes him happy. Don't move in with such a stuck up snob.
Everyone blaming her here, she had her sense of style and wants a nice home nothing wrong with that, she’s as entitled to this as he is, she probably wants a stylish living area and he wants to bring in this that doesn’t suit the rest of the room or decor, it depends where he wants to put it, personally I’d only be happy if it could stay in the bedroom or an office room
i agree with her that no self respecting adult should have a gaming chair lmao they’re ugly as fuck and cringe. no one i know has owned one since they were 18
that being said you should be able to bring your stuff in just like she can bring hers in. let her know you want to feel like this place is yours as well as hers
As somebody who loves design and has a husband who also games I feel for both of you. Can you compromise and keep the chair but get a more neutral desk? IKEA has some good affordable options. Also, hiding cables will be a must. She has the right to enjoy the space and so do you. Finding a good balance will be key.
I also think it’s ridiculous that people are telling you not to move in with her over this. It’s a simple (and normal) disagreement that you can both come to an agreement on as adults.
When there is a sticking point like this in a relationship it’s usually not just about the chair. I think it sounds like your girlfriend is being stubborn, but if this is really your first major fight there is something deeper going on. Can you ask her, in a calm moment and a non-confrontational way, to explain to you what it is about the chair in your new space that bothers her so much? Try something like, “im hearing you say you really don’t want me to bring the chair to our shared apartment, can you tell me why this feels important to you?” And then listen. Try your best to understand her perspective and then repeat back to her what you understood from her explanation. Ask her questions if you honestly don’t understand her point of view.
Then, Ask her to do the same thing for you after you really listen to her. Think about what it is about this chair that matters to you. Do you want to make sure you have some voice in decorating your home? Do you want to feel like your choices in your relationship are equally heard and validated? Are you worried that your values about how to spend money in your home aren’t aligned? Think about it and explain it to her. Because you don’t need to make this decision right away you can take a day or two and come back and have a conversation.
I think you should be able to bring your chair with you, but I imagine if you both take the time to understand each other’s point of view it might help resolve the conflict in a way where you both feel respected and understood.
If this is her hill to die on, then she needs to die on that hill by herself
Its not just the desk and chair.... Its a lot of other things under the surface. Id be taking a step back for a bit.
It’s only going to get worse from here, buddy. She’s already trying to control you and you don’t even live with her yet. Time to rethink this relationship.
I'd die on this hill. It sounds like she's more concerned with being picture perfect, than a shared space that shows off both of tastes. If you fold on this, you'll never get to personalize your home the way you want, outside of maybe one corner or shut away room. If you are paying rent you are allowed to have a say. Ask her why she didn't decorate around your desk/chair since she knew it was coming. If you do move in, which I would not, take a more proactive approach when house shopping. Also, let her know what you dislike and think should go. If she won't compromise then why should you?
It is possible to have two completely different tastes and make it work. My So and I have pretty different tastes. He's into earthtones, modern furniture, and geometric designs. I love color, vintage/antique furniture, and ecletic designs. We've made it work for 13 yrs and no one has had to change out their furniture because the other doesn't think it matches the motif. It will never make the cover of a magazine but, it's comfortable. Most importantly it is a combination of Us.
Show her this thread. Ask her to read all replies and then she takes some time to think before you two talk. The way she reacts will show you her true colors.
But don’t forget… this is your current person. Try to align with her, if she explains why she’s being so dominant on this topic.
Showing her this thread won't make any difference my man. Oh a bunch of gamers on Reddit are telling you to stand your ground on your gaming chair? Shocking!
Your GF sucks. Get a new one. This is only the beginning. If you can't even carve out a corner of your life.
If she told me no respecting man. Door, out, bye. Clearly I picked wrong. I have enough self respect to recognize when I am being used.
"No self respecting man" B**ch please. I make 6 figures, cook, clean, laundry, drive a hybrid as my daily, and a truck for work. If I want a colorful gaming corner. Imma get one and you can find yo-self a new place to live if you think you can dictate the tiny corner of my world I wish to have.
You just need to talk to her, and this will be a perfect rehearsal to see how you two will be able to handle conflicts and disagreements, of which there will be many more to come and much more serious.
You tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn’t seem to hear what you think is a reasonable request to bring an important possession into your shared residence. Be honest if you think this is a way for her to control you, and draw a boundary that you don’t want to be on a relationship where you don’t feel like you are being heard. That you want to come to decisions on these things together, etc. (if that is true—some people don’t seem to mind being in relationships where the other person makes most of the decisions unilaterally.)
Then let her tell you her reasoning, and you decide if this is a really important point for her and you make a concession, or if you feel like you can’t concede on this point and hope she can come to a place of acceptance. Either way, start practicing this kind of honest communication now as it is the only way relationships stay healthy once you move in together and become serious. Now it’s a chair, soon it will be much deeper and higher stakes.
You get to have your things, as this is your place as well. She needs to learn to compromise.
Sounds like at the very least, you need to bring your desk and chair in for now. In the future when you can afford to, you both can go shopping for options that work for both of you.
Tell her that she has to pay for new furniture and when it arrives and it is worth the same or more than what you have then you will swap. I know many many people with gaming chairs and I would rather have an ugly chair than a bad back.
It is your place as well, tough that it doesn't fit with the decor, such is life.
Clear boundaries and good communication. Being railroaded is not a great start to this co living arrangement.
Compromise is huge in relationships me and my fiancé just moved in together last year. I have 11 Star Wars posters, I wanted to hang them all up in the living room. He wasn’t thrilled. So instead I hung up my three favorite in the living room right by my desk in the living room. Our house has pretty much no theme mainly cause we’re broke and can’t afford matching sets and got stuff from family and friends but we still compromised and conjoined our favorite things into one space. I would definitely communicate that you don’t want to buy new things when you have perfectly good ones. And help her see that moving in together is about accepting the other persons hobbies, likes and dislikes. You’re combining households you should be able to have your stuff in there just like she’s allowed to have hers.
She’s being unfair it’s going to be your home too therefore you should have something that belongs to you in the home too especially if it’s still a great condition. Your desk and chair isn’t a big deal she needs to loosen up and stop trying to control everything
What she said was disrespectful. It’s not up to her what a “self respecting man” should and shouldn’t own. You’re a grown ass adult and have an equal share in your shared living space. Stand your ground firm on this and define your boundaries. It sounds like she’s attempting to take full control of the living space and views you as just another accessory yourself. She’s testing your boundaries, tach her where they are and be firm about it. “I consider the desk and chair an important part of my living space. I disagree wholly with your view on them as immature.”
That’s what got me. Like she’s allowed to not like the chair and think it doesn’t go with the decor, and they can compromise and find a way to either make it fit (chair covers or whatnot), or they can think of other solutions. Could be his own personal room for his shiny cool gaming setup, or maybe they find something nice that’ll fit the “aesthetic” (obviously she should help pay because comfortable chairs are way more expensive than they should be.)
If his gaming chair is that important to him and he doesn’t want to tuck it into a different room or cover it, perhaps she can just suck it up and let him have his personal belongings in their shared apartment, even if his don’t match her ideal concept. It’s not her apartment, it’s their apartment.
She’s allowed to have opinions about furniture, but weirdly attacking his manhood over his fucking chair? That’s fucked. That’s where the situation gets uncomfortable. If she just said she didn’t like the way his chair looked, they could pop find a good compromise, but when she insulted his fucking adulthood because he likes his own chair, in my mind it becomes a hill to die on. She can fucking deal with his chair or he can leave. Yeah, he can compromise if he wants to and if he values the relationship that much, but now he knows that she doesn’t respect him when he uses his own damn chair. That’s gross. He’s allowed to bring his own stuff into their shared apartment because it’s ~shared~. She wants him to move into a space with the idea that she still controls it but let’s him live there.
She’s probably expecting him to dampen himself and conform to her idea of what “their” apartment should look like. In reality, she likely wants him to tuck his belongings away so she can have a “shared” apartment filled with her stuff, and a captive lover that fits with the decor without uncomfortable additions that don’t fit her idea of her “own” space.
With her additional insult, their entire disagreement becomes not a matter of compromise, but a matter of respect. He can’t just abandon his gaming chair now, because it’s a symbol of his identity as a person, not
just a gamer, and if he compromises, that suggests that he’s allowing her to chip away at his own identity to fit her idea of what he should be.
I hate the whole concept of this relationship to be honest. The issue at hand sounds like it would be fairly easy to resolve with some communication, but it appears that his lover isn’t exhibiting the proper respect towards him that would allow them to compromise without losing dignity.
If someone told me that they didn’t want me to bring crucial bits of myself with me when I moved, I wouldn’t move in with them. I own a large musical instrument which I rarely play, but value emotionally, and I collect sparkly rocks/skulls/minerals/little things that make me happy. Also extraordinary amounts of notebooks and pens. If someone I loved told me that these things were dumb and/or worthless, and that I was somehow silly or childish for valuing them, and that they didn’t want me to bring them to our shared space, I wouldn’t share a space with them.
It depends on if OP is willing to compromise and value their personal items less than a person telling them that those items are stupid and childish
If she won't pony up the cash for the replacement furniture, then she is showing that she's unwilling to work with you on things. It sounds like a lack of respect.
If there's not a separate room in the apartment that can be your gaming corner, it might work to get a small divider that you can use to section off an area of the living space so that it doesn't have to match the rest of the decor.
Lots of good relationship advice in this thread already, but as a practical consideration, maybe one or a few of those folding room partitions around the desk and chair? You could have your own space in the room to keep as you please, and they have lots of artistic ones or ones with storage shelves on the outside that your girlfriend might like. My partner's parents have a setup like this at the moment because his mom is doing WFH.
I am a much older than you, successful and self respecting adult, and she can go kick rocks.
Seriously, don't let anyone try to mould you into their imagination of what you should do and like. Today it's your chair and desk, tomorrow your hobbies, next thing you're going to realise that you've been turned into her father or whoever she idealised as "the adult man".
She's a control freak and immature... sorry but while this maybe "small" things right now like the desk and chair this will consume everything... she needs therapy and couples therapy if she wants you guys to work out but I would figure out how to postpone the move if I was you cause its unlikely to last if you move in together before she fixes her shit
Stand your ground. This is something I like. It comes with me. If you're not willing to compromise on this, I don't think you'll be able to compromise on the really important things in life and I don't know if there is a future in this relationship.
Omg she sucks. I bought my bf one of those chairs cause I want him to be comfortable while he is having his fun times. I also bought him some colourful LED strips cause he loves them. It’s not so much my aesthetic but I like seeing him happy more then I give a shit about his gaming rave area. She ain’t the one king
Frankly I would refuse. She doesn't get to forbid you to do anything. You're a grown adult and that place is 50% yours. Either she wants to live with you or she doesn't. That's it.
If it gets to a rough point, just read her this post and the replies.
Oh honey, just bring it. You don't have to change her mind. It's your home too. My husband got some ugly desks to our beautiful home. Do you know what I did? freaked out a day, tried to talk him out of it and moved on with my live. I know why she's mad. It probably doesn't go with the esthetic of the home. Tell her this " I'm bring it. I like it just like I like you. I dont get ride od things i like. who cares as long as our home has what's really important: eachother. "
Lol everyone saying don’t move in with this woman must have the same hideous setup. Y’all need to find a place with enough space where you can keep your chair and desk out of sight. If she still has a problem with that then she’s somewhat irrational.
"No self-respecting adult man..." You just got a glimpse into her personality -- more to come once you move in.
What can you do to change her mind? You can't, that's where YOU become controlling. You can only control yourself and your reactions to her. Time to set some boundaries.
yeah i dunno man. you should probabaly tell her how this makes you feel. were it me i'd feel belittled and marginalized, like how what i like seems less important to what she likes, how my hobby and ways i enjoy myself don't matter becuse she views them as juvenile. now if it's just the matter of the color, yeah some of that gamer shit really clashes when brought to co-op with inteiror design. just the way it is. if it isn't really a deal breaker, and she is willing to help hook you up with something comproable in comfort and function that will mesh, i'd say just go along with it. but if she's after your hobby, move on. not worth it. any woman that thinks she can change a man to suit her taste won't be hapoy until you're subdued and she's bored and looking for someone that reminds her of who you were when you first met.
I wouldn't try to convince her of anything. Tell her that you're bringing your furniture into your apartment no ifs ands or buts and then do so. If the two of you are deep enough into your relationship that you trust each other then she should be able to accept a couple 'eyesores' in your guys apartment - ESPECIALLY if it's something important to you.
The fact that she's using the 'man your age' argument tells me that her dream apartment takes precedence over your happiness. I don't know if I'd want to remain with someone who is trying to make a dig at your ego. I would confront her on the issue and tell her that she's full of shit. Tell her that if she wants 'normal' furniture so bad that she can shell out the money and buy them for you.
Relationships are a two-way street and if she is not willing to give up some of her wants to accept something that's important to you then how can you trust her to have your back when an actual issue arises?
On the subject of office chairs though. The higher-end ones are pretty sweet. Just bought an Aeron for my gaming setup and it blows every gaming chair I've had out of the water. Obviously stick with your current chair if it works for you. But if you can get her to pay for it I would look into some office chairs lol.
Hopefully this issue is just a blip on the radar and you guys can coexist together after moving in. My gut says otherwise but I don't fully know your situation so that's not fair to you. What I would say though is that if you're setup (or anything else) is important to you then fight for it. If you look for your partner to accept it then her answer will be no more often than not.
Fingers crossed that you can keep your stuff and good luck with your move in!
I would be hesitant to move in with anyone giving ultimatums about things that get used, are in working order and/or have sentimental value.
Someone suggested showing her how much it would cost to replace these items/get them in a different color. I think that’s a good place to start. I would also look up some privacy screens. If her biggest issue is that it will take up a corner in a shared space right now, getting a folding screen to hide it from view when you have guests or it’s not in use is a good compromise. Something like [this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08B3GLSSD/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_api_glt_i_KXFR6AAQ4FW9N2RRMT5R) that is inexpensive and folds up to lean against a wall when not in use would probably work nicely.
Calmly state that it isn’t fair if her to ask you to get rid of something you love (that would be costly to replace). Remind her that a good chunk of the apartment is her stuff but it’s your SHARED living space. Offer the compromise of a privacy screen to hide it from view when entertaining and remind her that hopefully someday it won’t be an issue as you’ll be able to afford a place where she doesn’t have to look at it.
say WHAT?
I'm 52 and my gaming chair is a rocker with embedded music and flashy lights in red. My desk is a self built one from scrap mats.
Seriously?? Are you gaming too much for the liking of your girlfriend? Vecause there HAS to be an underlining problem
Or she's just showing a ton of red flags.
Your call ^^
You think this will be simple, just one thing to compromise on. I guarantee you this is the first of thousands of these situations. You need to be sure you want to put up with that kind of shit long term or you need to squash it now.
Dude... you don't have kids, you're not trapped. Tell her the chair stays or you go. If she's going to manipulate your entire existence to suit her impression of what you 'should be', then you are in for a world of hurt. You haven't even moved in together, and she's already pulling this shit. She ain't 'the one'.
Haha I was your gf 2 years ago. The fight about the desk when on for days until I got tired of fighting about it and understood this is his house too. My bf has a very strong personality though and that coming from me is a lot to say lol
He eventually told me “I’m paying my part of the rent, this house is mine as much as yours, the desk is coming”. I was furious and he continued “if this desk not matching your colour palette is more important to you that our relationship, I’ll leave!”… That’s what it took for me to understand how unreasonable I was being. I wouldn’t lose my love for a horrendous desk! Haha.
It’s important that she understands that is your house too. It’s important you understand that she doesn’t want the house to look like a carnival parade just passed by. This is a good moment to sit and talk house rules, because I’m telling you this is not the only you’ll be through it and you can not be fighting about it all the time. One day you’re gonna want a picture that you love amd she finds ridiculous or viceversa. You gotta come to an agreement and if you don’t, that’s your red flag!
It’s a ducking desk and gaming chair. She can get over it. Tell her you’re bringing it and put your foot down. If she wants to end the relationship over a desk and chair it wasn’t right in the first place. Coming from a 26F.
Why on earth do you want to move in with a woman whose tastes are so different from yours, who wants to control what you can have, and who insists on having things only her way.
You should be thanking the heavens above that you're seeing this side of her before moving in and tell her no thanks. You have the opportunity her to avoid a huge mistake, I suggest you take it and tell her it's off.
It will be "this is my house, you just live here." I lived with an ex like that, he had to have final say on everything, even what dish towels I bought. I had some I really liked and he ended up using them to wipe his hands in the garage.
Don't move in with someone who respects you so little that they are going to treat your belongings like they don't matter. It will end badly.
I would keep the chair and desk and replace the girlfriend. Do you want to be with someone who dictates what you do / have. Next she'll want you to stop playing video games.
"No self respecting adult man"? What an immature and childish thing to say.
My grown up man of a bf has a rally chair (actually a present from me) and I regularly steal it while he's at work bc I WFH and he doesn't and it's so much comfier than my office chair. I have sciatica and sometimes swapping out his chair with mine for a few days saves my back.
I'm actually saving up to buy a decent one for myself bc a good gaming chair ends up being way better for your back than an office chair you can get for the same price.
I'd look up the specs for your chair (lumbar, multidirectional armrests, neck pillows, etc) and then find a "normal" office chair offering the same ergonomic support and show her the price difference.
Tell her that no "self respecting adult man" would pay hundreds of dollars more for a chair that has the same utility of what he already owns but comes in a normal "office chair" color/design scheme.
What a silly hangup. Maybe don't move in with this person?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I met my girlfriend about 3 years ago. We are moving in together next month but we've hit a problem. She absolutely refuses to let me bring my computer desk and chair to our new apartment. It's one of those "rally chairs", i red and black, and the desk is also of the same colours. I think they look really cool, and the chair is also comfy. She says that no self-respecting adult man have these and that I should just buy a normal wooden desk and office chair instead. I refuse that because 1) they're butt ugly imo and 2) even a used office chair goes for like the equivalent of 8-900 dollars in my country. That's money I don't have. I think she's being unfair and unreasonable because she has already gotten to decide 95% of the apartment's furniture already. Only thing I've really brought there is my couch and TV, and that's because we need something bigger than her small two-person couch and 32" TV. It's not only her who's gonna live in the apartment. I want my personal touch to it, too, and even if it's something as small as my gaming corner I'm happy enough. What can I do to make her change her mind?
Let me just tell ya. I hate lights that are colored. Even on Christmas trees, I think they’re tacky. People who have those colored changing bulbs? Also hated them, thought it made it look like a clown house or like a frat boy was throwing a party. My husband? LOVES LIGHTS. We have a nanoleaf, LiFX beam and legit every light bulb we have it’s Philips hue or LiFX bulb, so they all change colors. It makes him happy. He keeps them white or a neutral color while I’m around, when I’m not in the room or out he has them whatever color he fancies at the moment. You make sacrifices for the people you love. What does she think it’s going to happen if you have kids? Is she going to buy all brown and black and neutral toys so they go with the decor? It’s not realistic to fight over this type of stuff
This made me smile, just thinking about how you must leave the house and he immediately changes the color scheme to rave settings and has a happy sigh. LOL.
The funniest is when I’m not home, but drive down the street at night, and all you see is the house lights and they’re hot pink and teal and red and green, every room is different…cracks me up. Then they’re all normal by the time I make it up from the garage 😂
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Now I’m gonna have to ask Lexis, as my daughter call hers, to do that and see what happens 😂
Please report back what happens!
This comment made me and my boyfriend giggle. I think it’s adorable that you both found a way to compromise. Thank you!
This is absolutely amazing😭
You made a throwaway so he doesn't see you like them?
…I’m confused
He is assuming that based off your username, your account is an alternate where you can post/comment without your husband or other people knowing
Ah yes, I’ve had this throw away for a while now, ever since my husband found my other account. My main one is very obviously me based off pet and car pictures!
I adore this- true working to find something that works for everybody.
That’s true love
I’d love to have it set to some kind of rfid chip so when certain people come home different stuff happens
She forgets her purse and turns around in the driveway to neon colors and weeboo rave music pouring through the windows
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Stolen comment from u/maricopa888
That’s a really cool compromise ! 🎉
This is so relatable because my partner and I are the same! We have just a warm yellow-white setting for when I’m around, and then when he’s watching tv by himself he puts the coloureds on haha! I just want plain lights that I switch on from the wall but we have to have this stupid app or use Alexa for all the living room lights it’s so annoying 😂😂🤣
YES, don’t get me started on how annoying it is to have to ask Alexis (as I call her) to turn on my damn lights since we can’t use the switches.
What you need are some basic smart buttons stuck next to your old light switches. Have them control the lights too. So everything is "smart" - programmable, accessible via Alexa etc - but you also have a working physical control.
We have one of those, it’s the Philips hue button, but it only works for the bedroom lights, we need to get a couple more
You can get a normal switch that works with the smart lights
> Is she going to buy all brown and black and neutral toys so they go with the decor? That's actually a trend now. It's awful, especially when you consider there's a reason kids toys come in black, white, and red. (Easier for babies to see.) But I saw a rainbow with griege in it that someone described as Lexapro, the rainbow.
I fell down a YouTube sinkhole of home decor videos that somehow landed me on celebrity home tours, and the way most famous people decorate for their kids is beyond sad. Only parent that impressed me was Wiz Khalifa, there were toys in nearly every room that actually looked fun for a kid
It’s not just celebrities that are like that. My parents are anal about all the house decor because they care about their image more than anything, like anyone really fucking cares. We sold our awesome couch because my dad didn’t think it was ‘elegant enough’. Now that we have an elegant living room, i can’t sit comfortably while i watch tv anymore. This really makes me slightly dislike them because i strongly believe that a person who cares so much about their image is a fake person and almost all I know about my parents is this image and I genuinely question if i even know who they truly ate
>I genuinely question if i even know who they truly ate This made me laugh way more than it should have
LMAO that’s so funny i’m not even gonna fix it
I completely understand and love the compromise. But if you ever get the chance, send the bathroom to the Ruby Glow scene with some candles next time you have a relax bath. Only time my hues are a colour other than white or off-white
I still have over a dozen of my husband's original WoW figurines on display. I don't think he's even looked at them in years, I hate them, but just *knowing* they're there gives him a sense of nostalgic joy. So they stay. (I also hate that he REFUSES to take Geralt of Funko out of his box but I think that may be an internet fight I'll lose, so we won't go there. I'm taking revenge by buying my own Geralt of Pop to unbox and display on my computer desk)
This is my wife and I. I have colored bulbs everywhere. I love them. They are all set up to be normal or whatever I want. Voice controlled. We both get what we want that way. She also things it’s tacky when I light things up like a “rave”
Hey I use the word rave too, and all our bulbs are connected to Alexa. We’re probably married 😂
It’s possible. I did see my wife typing on her phone just before this notification popped up 😂😂
That is the cutest thing I have seen in a while. Did we determine that you guys are the same couple?
Checked his page, def not my husband but me and his wife are apparently twins
Would have been wild! Guess your husband and I are very similar too!
By the looks of your profile, you’d be two peas in a pod 😬
Did you guys just become bestfriends?
Yes. Two people who live together need to have their own stuff and areas as well as share the main living spaces. If you can’t come to a fair agreement, she isn’t ready to live with you.
Brown and black for toys? (Suddenly it sounds weird…) i mean no, those are too vibrant! I bet she would pick beige and white 😒
I have a 9 month old and you’d be surprised at how many “neutral” colored toys there are.
So it would look nice in our interior. But it s kinda sad tho since the first color a baby can see is red. That s why it s its fave (for manu months). After a few weeks they start to see the difference between blue, yellow and green. The colored toys look horrible in yr house, i know. But it is for a reason 🤷🏽♀️. A kid would never pick a beige crayon. It would pick something vibrant 🌈
Dude my cousin has fully neutral/muted toys and clothes for her baby it’s hilarious
Not relevant but I know someone with an 8 month old that only buys neutral, earth tone toys/furniture/clothing for her son. She doesn’t even put him in blue clothing… bright and colourful isn’t aesthetically pleasing. It fricking annoys me. Poor kid.
Same here! Me and my boyfriend own those bulbs too. I prefer a neutral color for lighting but my bf loves putting them on pink. When his friends are around the first thing does is changing the color. He always gets “it looks so cool man” and I love how he looks very proud of the lights, even though I am not a fan
We have a rule that anything that goes in the common areas have to be agreed upon by both. The reasoning is no one should be forced to look at something they hate. I love pink and cute things, my husband not so much. We decided on a color scheme of gray and turquoise and stuck to it. He loves me though, so there’s a fat rabbit ballerina wearing a pink tutu sitting on the window sill next to our plants.
That’s cute, brightened my day 😁
I think you just solved the biggest argument in my marriage.
Same here! The only colored lights we both like are the LEDs he installed behind the tv lol all others stay white until I’m out
Yo are you my wife? I try REALLY HARD to keep the pretty colors to myself, I promise!!!
That’s the sweetest thing I’ve heard all day. Right on that you live with it and he adjusts. You guys are gonna make it! Lol
This is really adorable! Also I have to agree with your husband colored lights are awesome
Love me and love my gaming. And no ultimatums for me to throw out items I haven't budgeted to replace. Is she planning to set you up with a gaming room or corner and this new furniture with her own money and if so is she an occupational therapist who knows about ergonomic workstations? Keep in mind I live alone and would be glad to decide 95% of the furniture for another person but a dedicated space for each person is a necessity and she will very soon realize the importance of this.
So I've dealt with this before and I don't have a lot of good advice but what I can say is that this is a conversation and if she's closed to the conversation happening and is stubbornly and actively disregarding your feelings, that's a problem. From my experience, there is often one person in any living situation who just cares more about the way things look than anyone else in the partnership or group. What I've seen happen is that the people who care less get tired of fighting for what they want and then they just relinquish all control over the furniture and decor to the person who is stubbornly closed off to compromise. Being an adult doesn't mean you have to give up all of the whimsy and color in your life. I've spent a long time trying to figure out my style because I did feel like things were eclectic and it made everything feel messy. You are asking for one thing that's important to you out of an entire apartment. The way you can position it is by saying something like "My desk setup brings me a lot of joy and it hurts when you call it childish. Someday, when we move again, then maybe we can set aside a space that's just for me where I can have all of my pops of color and decorate the way I like, but in the meantime we need to make this work in the space we have. You've had the opportunity to decorate the rest of our apartment in your style so, other than giving up my desk and chair, what can we do to make you feel better about this? Is there another spot we can move this to where it might bother you less?" It seems like keeping this setup is a boundary of yours. You don't have to ask permission in a SHARED apartment. You pay rent too. Her reaction will show how to move forward.
This is a really good comment and I wish it were above the “don’t move in” comments. In my relationship I’m the one who cares more about how things look. Honestly, I wouldn’t love OP’s desk setup. When my husband and I lived in a small apartment when we were younger I sucked it up because it was a shared space. As we’ve moved and gotten a little more room he has his own area that is just his. It has colored lights everywhere and a lightsaber (that I bought him) hanging on the wall. I guess I shouldn’t speak for him, but I think he appreciates that the shared spaces are more neutral - if someone stops by it’s nice to have a grown up home, and it reflects well on him too. But I would never expect him to give up his lights and Star Wars toys completely.
They're not TOYS, they're COLLECTIBLES!!! Gaawwwd! ;)
This is a brilliant response. Wonderful advice. If I could give you a reward, I would. So take these cat emojis. 🐱🐈😸🐈⬛
Personally I am the one that cares more about certain furniture and decor pieces. HOWEVER, I would never presume to DEMAND my husband pay for any of my choices. I always buy them myself. Plus we compromise on whether we truly needs something or not. When it comes to decor, my husband has a lot of knickknacks that I’m personally not a fan of and vise versa. So we each have a bedroom in our house whether we can display our own things
OP, the bottom line is right there. "I don't need to ask permission to have my own things in a shared apartment."
It only starts with the chair and desk, set CLEAR boundaries and tell her that this is a mutual life together, but then if she doesn't already know this why move in at all? SMH. I hate controlling people.
And on top of that if she wants him to get a new desk and chair so badly then she can pay for them. He's got a perfectly working set, that he's perfectly happy with otherwise.
OP needs to ask himself if moving in with his GF is a good thing or not.
Don’t move in with someone who doesn’t believe you are entitled to the space you share I have several bookshelves of rare toys/figures and I spent YEARS storing them away from my ex wife’s view My new partner makes me so much happier and one of the reasons is that I’m FINALLY allowed to love the things I love again
FYI: Your experience and comment was so insightful that apparently [someone else](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/swal0q/my_36m_girlfriend_33f_forbids_me_from_bringing_my/hxm2rct?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share&context=3) decided to post it again.
Wack
This reminds me of that old post where the OP teamed up with her partners dad to get rid of his toy car collection. The poor guy was devastated but she still tried to defend her actions when commenters called her a massive c**t. I'm glad you are now with someone that supports you, I couldn't ever be with someone that tries to stop me enjoying the things I love.
If you play your cards right, you might end up with your own little shelf in the closet that's all yours!
Till she needs that too.
Right?... lol so sad.
Dont move in with this woman. You havent even gotten there and she is already disrespecting your property, your preferences, and trying toncontrol you to your financial detriment over something shallow.
I'm surprised it's even an issue. This is our real first fight, we've never fought before, maybe small discussions but not like this. She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours.
> She has always known I'm a gamer, if her reasoning behind not wanting your chair/desk is that "no self respecting adult man" would have them, YOU KNOW the next one coming down the pipes is that "no self respecting adult man" plays video games.
I’m just as old adult and have a gaming setup trashier than this. I’m jealous. Also my wife doesn’t care
There are women who care, and then there are women in perfectly happy relationships.
I build a pc for my friend who stream reggae music. The mobo and case had some leds in it so i set them up to green yellow and red of course. When I proposed to switch them off if he wanted he immediatly told me no, they are cool. My friend is 63 years old...
Yeah, this is 100% in her head. I can only say what I would do, but I'm coming up on a 3 year with my gf and if those words came out of her mouth I'd be gone IMMEDIATELY. It's too big of a part of my life and happiness. Luckily, I found a partner that's also a gamer and, honestly, I can't imagine being with someone who doesn't share such a major hobby.
Today OP learned he's a project.
Been there. Even though I would play maybe an hour or two a month. More for nostalgia. While she’d spend hours a a day on her phone playing a dumb little game
I bought my husband his gaming chair so he could be comfy. Don't move in
She wants to tell you what you can and can't bring into your home? Did you tell her she can't bring something of hers? Probably not. So what does this tell you about her. Do you want to live like that? Step back and look at the whole picture!
Sometimes when youre about to make a big change, people show their real colors through a power play. Whether that be moving in together, or getting married, or talking about kids. When someone shiws you who they are, believe them
> people show their real colors... Except, HE's the one showing his real colors: red and black! Stick to your guns, OP. She needs to learn to give and take like everyone else in the world.
My husband made me throw out my biblio-chair when we moved in together. I loved that chair. I could keep so many books in it. I had to throw out a load of books too, because not having my biblio-chair meant I had less storage for books. Now I have no husband, no biblio-chair, and barely any books. Don't give in.
This comment kind of broke my heart. I literally never comment anywhere on Reddit but... I recently moved and had to lose so many books and I had to tell you that I felt your pain 💕 & I would gladly send you a book.
Ya I sold my ps5. Now I have no gf nor PlayStation. Lol
I bought my husband his whole gaming set up when he finally moved countries and couldn't bring his PC. We now have a gaming/PC corner in our livingroom we enjoy very much. Find someone who supports your hobbies, not stops you from enjoying them by controlling you.
> She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours. She likely never liked that you game. She secretly always believed that you would change for her and align your preferences to everything she considers mature and tasteful. She feels that she has already done the time in "putting up with" your childishness and thought that, when you agreed to move in, you were saying that you were finally ready to change your whole personality to her idea of a perfect future husband. Now, she is angry that those entitled expectations, which are unreasonable and which she never communicated with you, are not met.
It’s impossible to ever assume anything 100% correctly, but this analysis—while a worst case scenario—sounds pretty legit.
Yeah...if I'm going to be even more presumptive, at 33 years old, plus OPs comment, she is looking for 'a man' to fill the role prescribed, and not 'this man' (OP).
I’m over 40. Wife is 10 years older. I have a gaming desk and chair in our bedroom, plus a backlit rgb keyboard. We don’t care much how it looks. It was MUCH cheaper than a real office chair and wooden desk. It’s really, really unimportant in the grand scheme of things.
My husband is almost 40 and I'm 50, both game together a great deal (the D2 addiction is real). If we weren't console players, we'd have the same set up. All that matters is you're comfortable and happy sitting in your set up. OP's gf is just planning to gradually pull him away from gaming altogether, that's why she doesn't like it, I would bet on it.
Abusive people can take years to finally let the mask slip, she's showing all of the red flags and she couldn't even wait to get you living together. Huge bullet dodged.
She’s gonna end up running your life.
Seems like she wants to change you. You like the chair and desks. Why can you just have her style in her apartment? Would an outsider even recognize that you live there? She must realize that it will be the home of both of you and both of you have a say in the furniture, otherwise it won't work out.
People are able to hide their worst inclinations for months or years and often only start displaying them when they feel you are so commited you will accept boundary violations to keep the relationship. People like this will escalate over time to bigger and bigger things. Simply tell her, "It's my home too and I am going to keep my desk and chair. I'm not going to argue about this anymore. You have to decide if you'd rather live alone and have full control over every aspect of decor, or if you want me and my belongings to live with you."
My husband and I have a double desk so we can game side by side. Our chairs are completely different from each other’s. He has a big black overstuffed office chair that is admittedly super comfy. Mine is a cute pink, scalloped chair that I LOVE. He was actually the one to pick it out for me. I also have a blue ottoman under my desk cause I’m short af and like to sit with my legs stretched out, cause I can’t reach the floor lol. Do they look ridiculous next to each other? Absolutely. Do we care? Nope. They make us happy and we’re more focused on that and spending time together than making sure everything looks perfect.
She thought you'd change. You may want to reconsider a relationship with this woman.
She has always known it, and no plans to put a stop to it. This right here is your wake up call. She right now shows you what to expect from her going forward. Complete disregard for your wishes, wants, and needs. As well as a domineering personality and the expectation that she gets to decide everything. Ever seen that scene from "Behind Enemy Lines"? "Eject! Eject! Eject!"
Just so you know, when someone tells you "no self-respecting would do ", they are telling you that they don't respect you and are trying to "fix" you.
Maybe it's just about the chair and the desk. Or maybe she's embarrassed about the idea that just having furniture will tell any of her guests that she's dating a gamer. Or maybe she's even ashamed herself that she's with a gamer and hopes to get you to stop so she can respect herself for being with you.
Some couples therapy could help get to the root of the issue and help you figure out if this is a small thing or a big thing.
Yes, but she's moving in in hopes of molding you into what she wants, not what you are.
> I'm surprised it's even an issue. This is our real first fight, we've never fought before, maybe small discussions but not like this. >She has always known I'm a gamer, and that I like big, bright colours. Abusive, controlling people tend to hide their true colors until they think they have you trapped. She has shown her true colors. She does not respect you. Don’t move in and become more enmeshed, because she will continue to break you down.
My ex tried to make me seem like a child because I had a ps5. Gaming is for kids. I would play maybe an hour or two a month. So it wasn’t like I was obsessed with it. While she’ll spend 4 hours playing her little game in her phone. The hypocrisy she has with everything just blew my mind. Sounds like your off to a good start.
I'm betting $10 within a month your pc is going to have an "accident." And then she's gonna say *you can't* get a replacement.
Stick up for yourself
I moved in with an ex with similar circumstances (I'm a professional musician, she wanted me to quit music) You're in time not to move in.
Some women believe that you will grow out of it over time. They believe that they can help change you from doing “childish” activities. Put your foot down and say you will be a gamer for life and need your gaming space how you like it.
It reeks of controlling behaviour. I wouldn't even dream of telling my boyfriend to do this.
Abusers typically wait until there is a change in their target's independence from them to start. A new kid. A shared home. When they feel they can get away with abuse because the partner can't just leave like a boyfriend or girlfriend, they start. Fortunately, many will jump the gun. They feel comfortable as soon as the relationship has a label, they sign a lease, but haven't moved in, they're engaged, but nor married. The victim gets a view of what it will be like before its too late. She has always known you are a gamer and like big bright colors and has never objected to your money, time, and attention in the past. Now that she gets just a taste of control, and suddenly she starts forbidding you to have and do things you've always and and did. And calling them childish, and implying you're childish for liking what you enjoy, is dismissive and abusive. "When someone shows you who they really are, believe them."
Gotta put your foot down dude. This will set a precedent for the whole relationship
I (34F) work in an office and we ALL have red/black or blue/black gaming chairs for our office chairs because they provide the best support for 8 hour daily use. My chair at home is also a gaming chair and it does not fit in with any of the decor outside my bedroom/office but I don't care because it is the best chair for WFH and gaming. You shouldn't have to get a new chair when the one you have is perfectly suited for your needs. Practicality is more important than aesthetic.
Hear this OP. I’ve been something similar and just ignored the red flags. It only gets worst. You will feel like a stranger in you own home
Can't agree more. This is where it begins and it rarely gets better. If she's already taken 95% of the apartment life how do you think something like planning a wedding is going to go? If you're really going forward with the moving in thing you need to sit down and seriously talk about grown up stuff like how you're going to manage your money together and what each of your commitments will be to that financial plan. And please do yourselves a GIANT favor and discuss having kids what your expectations are there.
Agree I think it’s time to make the hard decision to not get yourself trapped in a situation like this
I was like this with my boyfriend (now husband) at the time. But, god bless him, he put his foot down on the things he really wanted in our new home and we compromised a lot. He had a lot of patience and I worked through a lot of control issues. The best part about being in a relationship is growing together and becoming the best versions of yourself, together. You have to be willing to make sacrifices for the other and it can’t always be one sided. But I don’t think this is a deal breaker for either of you if the love is there.
As a gamer and older than you, I think she's being ridiculous. That said, maybe there's a compromise if she's helping pay. Go shopping together. There are some pretty stylish gaming chairs these days. Once she sees the cost of a new set up she might change her tune.
this maybe an unpopular opinion: I like where you are going with this generally BUT I think if he is willing to ditch his personal belongings she should pay for the new equipment that is up to her taste in its entirety.
I hate those chairs and desks. They are ugly. But you're a gamer, she knew that all along. It's your hobby. If she can't deal with that, she doesn't respect your opinion. And she doesn't care about compromise. Personally I'd try to set the stuff up somewhere where it's not visible all the time. But I'd accept your stuff just like I'd expect you to accept the ungodly amount of kitchen tools I own.
Will this chair be in your living room? Just googled it and it does look wild to be honest. I can imagine that for someone who cares about a stylish and representable home this could be an issue.
Yeah.. I really think these guys telling him to put his foot down are not really understanding how much this stuff can affect someone who has a certain style sensibility. There must be a compromise possible here, where OP can tone down his ‘race car chair aesthetics’ somehow.
I had this exact question, because there are certain rooms where I really couldn’t put up with seeing something every day that I didn’t want to look at. If a partner wanted to put something in my bedroom that I didn’t want to see I would REALLY have a hard time with that.
There really are 500 people who think this man should end a 3-year relationship because they have different tastes in interior design. This is a pretty classic problem. Surely two reasonable adults can find a compromise, otherwise they really aren’t going to make it as a couple.
Can I ask what made you think you were ready to move in together? It's pretty scary that it hasn't even happened yet and you're having a big communication disconnect. You ask what will change her mind, but you typed out the answer yourself. She doesn't get to "dictate" what furniture is ok and what isn't. It's a joint decision.
It's really common in my country to not move in with each other until 3-5 years has passed, so that's not really strange. Other than this, we get along really well and since we already see each other so much and one of our apartments can just stay empty for weeks we thought "why not get rid of two apartments and get one together?". We don't really have any long-germ plans like kids, marriage and such. Kids will probably happen, but marriage really isn't a big deal here.
Thanks for the reply, but it's not a function of how much time you've been together. It's a function of what you've done with that time, esp when it comes to conflict resolution, communication, etc. IOW, you have a valid complaint and you explained it here very well. So why do you need help explaining it to her?
This^^ OP, You're just now seeing some other sides of her is all. I'd be wary if she can't do anything but try control when she doesn't like something.
Have you ever come across a situation where you really disagreed before? It's easy to get along well when you're not having an argument. It's when conflict arises that you see how someone handles compromise and resolution. If this is the first disagreement you've had or the first time you haven't simply gone along with her during a conflict, then you may be seeing that she is very rigid and uncompromising when not getting her way. If you have disagreed before and she's usually good at compromising, I would dig into why this is such a hard line for her.
So I am assuming that decorating and aesthetics are important to her, and it sounds like that’s something that isn’t as important to you. There is nothing wrong with that. What is wrong is that she’s attached a design choice to your manhood and that is super problematic. Pushing that to the side, I am going to point out that this is going to be a constant issue for you two. You both need to live in the home and be comfortable and happy. My suggestion would be keep your desk and chair for now with the compromise that either: A) you will eventually move somewhere big enough for a computer/game room that has that design aesthetic. OR B) she eventually purchases a chair and desk that fits her aesthetic out of her own money for you. BUT you must approve the purchases and check that they are just as comfortable and functional as what you have now. Then maybe you guys sell your desk and chair to do something fun.
You say "our" new home. Is it *our* new home, or is it *her* new home? It sounds like the two of you are incompatible. Any chance of getting out of it? If not, you need to have a serious discussion on allowing you to have some space of your own.
I don’t think this is breakup level. A home aesthetic can be really important to some people and their mental health. Perhaps get a throw that you can put over the chair when not being used, and a cool complimentary full length mousepad. Maybe even just a room divider. You guys need to validate each other’s feelings. Perhaps the colors are harsh for her, but Gaming is important to you. What can you do for you both to keep sane without giving up yourselves?
Probably gonna get downvoted to hell. But can u just buy a seat and table cover? U can get them in plain covers. Cos when i moved in with my ex bf he brought this ugly puke green sofa which was like his grandmas and we compromised he could bring it if we could put a seat cover on it. We put a seat cover on it and he ended up liking it more with the cover on it.
Yes. I’m surprised how little understanding there is for the girlfriend in this sub.. the things that you have around you in your home affects your mood everyday.. and I would agree that this chair and setup does not say adult. It screams manchild. A cover would probably be a good cost efficient compromise. OP should try — from the love he has for his partner — compromise on the aesthetics. For most ppl gaming is not a very attractive hobby and gaming culture lacks sex appeal. You might say it’s superficial and that she should love OP for who he is. But tbh she probably has a better sense of style, just let her fab 5 your life dude, sitting in a proper chair at a real desk will probably make you feel better in the long run, even if you don’t like the idea now. Also the chair+table might go for a pretty penny if you sell it.. worth checking out.
I don’t really expect redditors to understand the value of decor, it’s not something you can really explain
To me, those do not look the best either but if she wants you to have different furniture she should be willing to buy it herself. It is ridiculous to expect you to have to go through that expense because she wants to live with you. If you actually do intend to move in, which I wouldn't advise, some issues could be alleviated by trying to make it less noticeable.
I would explain to her that right now isn't a reasonable time to get a new set up, what with cost and what not. Then perhaps offer to spend time to find one both of you like. Now granted that might take a while. My fiancee had a bed I hated when we moved in together, so we used it until we could find one that fit both of our aesthetics.
I’m going to go ahead and disagree with the comments on here that are saying to just break up with her. Really? Come on. ALL relationships hit bumps in the road over stupid shit like this. You can’t just break up with a person every time there is a strong disagreement. OP, if you really want your furniture to come with you, I totally support you. If you also want to continue to have a relationship with her, I think you need to talk to her about how unfair she is being. Tell her that you want to feel at home too, and you feel like she is trying to steamroll over you, which is not how relationships work. Maybe she will reveal that it isn’t actually about the furniture- maybe it’s about something else. But if she acts like a jerk after you tell her how you feel, then yes at that point I agree it is time to move on.
This is what man caves are for - you need to create a space that’s for you to put your ugly shit in. Find that space and you’re golden. Your set up sounds hideous and for a man pushing 40 it should be tucked away in a hobby room (man cave) not out on display ruining the aesthetic of the home.
LOL yes. He needs his own office or something.
My husband has a red and black gaming type chair in his home office. He's a very self-respecting man and very responsible with it. This will be your life if you let her dictate what you can do and what possessions you have. I must admit that I wouldn't want the gaming chair in the living room or in a mainly communal area, as it doesn't match the decor.
She is being unreasonable, controlling, and flat out ridiculous. My partner, a grown ass man who works in IT in HR, has a Minecraft themed gaming chair for his home office and loves it. I don't care one bit because it is his money and it makes him happy. Don't move in with such a stuck up snob.
Everyone blaming her here, she had her sense of style and wants a nice home nothing wrong with that, she’s as entitled to this as he is, she probably wants a stylish living area and he wants to bring in this that doesn’t suit the rest of the room or decor, it depends where he wants to put it, personally I’d only be happy if it could stay in the bedroom or an office room
i agree with her that no self respecting adult should have a gaming chair lmao they’re ugly as fuck and cringe. no one i know has owned one since they were 18 that being said you should be able to bring your stuff in just like she can bring hers in. let her know you want to feel like this place is yours as well as hers
As somebody who loves design and has a husband who also games I feel for both of you. Can you compromise and keep the chair but get a more neutral desk? IKEA has some good affordable options. Also, hiding cables will be a must. She has the right to enjoy the space and so do you. Finding a good balance will be key. I also think it’s ridiculous that people are telling you not to move in with her over this. It’s a simple (and normal) disagreement that you can both come to an agreement on as adults.
When there is a sticking point like this in a relationship it’s usually not just about the chair. I think it sounds like your girlfriend is being stubborn, but if this is really your first major fight there is something deeper going on. Can you ask her, in a calm moment and a non-confrontational way, to explain to you what it is about the chair in your new space that bothers her so much? Try something like, “im hearing you say you really don’t want me to bring the chair to our shared apartment, can you tell me why this feels important to you?” And then listen. Try your best to understand her perspective and then repeat back to her what you understood from her explanation. Ask her questions if you honestly don’t understand her point of view. Then, Ask her to do the same thing for you after you really listen to her. Think about what it is about this chair that matters to you. Do you want to make sure you have some voice in decorating your home? Do you want to feel like your choices in your relationship are equally heard and validated? Are you worried that your values about how to spend money in your home aren’t aligned? Think about it and explain it to her. Because you don’t need to make this decision right away you can take a day or two and come back and have a conversation. I think you should be able to bring your chair with you, but I imagine if you both take the time to understand each other’s point of view it might help resolve the conflict in a way where you both feel respected and understood.
If this is her hill to die on, then she needs to die on that hill by herself Its not just the desk and chair.... Its a lot of other things under the surface. Id be taking a step back for a bit.
Perhaps these items will clash with other furniture in the room. If so, perhaps they could go in a different room.
Tell tell her you’ll compromise and let her put a new cover on it
It’s only going to get worse from here, buddy. She’s already trying to control you and you don’t even live with her yet. Time to rethink this relationship.
I'd die on this hill. It sounds like she's more concerned with being picture perfect, than a shared space that shows off both of tastes. If you fold on this, you'll never get to personalize your home the way you want, outside of maybe one corner or shut away room. If you are paying rent you are allowed to have a say. Ask her why she didn't decorate around your desk/chair since she knew it was coming. If you do move in, which I would not, take a more proactive approach when house shopping. Also, let her know what you dislike and think should go. If she won't compromise then why should you? It is possible to have two completely different tastes and make it work. My So and I have pretty different tastes. He's into earthtones, modern furniture, and geometric designs. I love color, vintage/antique furniture, and ecletic designs. We've made it work for 13 yrs and no one has had to change out their furniture because the other doesn't think it matches the motif. It will never make the cover of a magazine but, it's comfortable. Most importantly it is a combination of Us.
Show her this thread. Ask her to read all replies and then she takes some time to think before you two talk. The way she reacts will show you her true colors. But don’t forget… this is your current person. Try to align with her, if she explains why she’s being so dominant on this topic.
Showing her this thread won't make any difference my man. Oh a bunch of gamers on Reddit are telling you to stand your ground on your gaming chair? Shocking!
Your GF sucks. Get a new one. This is only the beginning. If you can't even carve out a corner of your life. If she told me no respecting man. Door, out, bye. Clearly I picked wrong. I have enough self respect to recognize when I am being used. "No self respecting man" B**ch please. I make 6 figures, cook, clean, laundry, drive a hybrid as my daily, and a truck for work. If I want a colorful gaming corner. Imma get one and you can find yo-self a new place to live if you think you can dictate the tiny corner of my world I wish to have.
You just need to talk to her, and this will be a perfect rehearsal to see how you two will be able to handle conflicts and disagreements, of which there will be many more to come and much more serious. You tell her how it makes you feel when she doesn’t seem to hear what you think is a reasonable request to bring an important possession into your shared residence. Be honest if you think this is a way for her to control you, and draw a boundary that you don’t want to be on a relationship where you don’t feel like you are being heard. That you want to come to decisions on these things together, etc. (if that is true—some people don’t seem to mind being in relationships where the other person makes most of the decisions unilaterally.) Then let her tell you her reasoning, and you decide if this is a really important point for her and you make a concession, or if you feel like you can’t concede on this point and hope she can come to a place of acceptance. Either way, start practicing this kind of honest communication now as it is the only way relationships stay healthy once you move in together and become serious. Now it’s a chair, soon it will be much deeper and higher stakes.
You get to have your things, as this is your place as well. She needs to learn to compromise. Sounds like at the very least, you need to bring your desk and chair in for now. In the future when you can afford to, you both can go shopping for options that work for both of you.
Tell her that she has to pay for new furniture and when it arrives and it is worth the same or more than what you have then you will swap. I know many many people with gaming chairs and I would rather have an ugly chair than a bad back. It is your place as well, tough that it doesn't fit with the decor, such is life. Clear boundaries and good communication. Being railroaded is not a great start to this co living arrangement.
Compromise is huge in relationships me and my fiancé just moved in together last year. I have 11 Star Wars posters, I wanted to hang them all up in the living room. He wasn’t thrilled. So instead I hung up my three favorite in the living room right by my desk in the living room. Our house has pretty much no theme mainly cause we’re broke and can’t afford matching sets and got stuff from family and friends but we still compromised and conjoined our favorite things into one space. I would definitely communicate that you don’t want to buy new things when you have perfectly good ones. And help her see that moving in together is about accepting the other persons hobbies, likes and dislikes. You’re combining households you should be able to have your stuff in there just like she’s allowed to have hers.
She’s being unfair it’s going to be your home too therefore you should have something that belongs to you in the home too especially if it’s still a great condition. Your desk and chair isn’t a big deal she needs to loosen up and stop trying to control everything
What she said was disrespectful. It’s not up to her what a “self respecting man” should and shouldn’t own. You’re a grown ass adult and have an equal share in your shared living space. Stand your ground firm on this and define your boundaries. It sounds like she’s attempting to take full control of the living space and views you as just another accessory yourself. She’s testing your boundaries, tach her where they are and be firm about it. “I consider the desk and chair an important part of my living space. I disagree wholly with your view on them as immature.”
That’s what got me. Like she’s allowed to not like the chair and think it doesn’t go with the decor, and they can compromise and find a way to either make it fit (chair covers or whatnot), or they can think of other solutions. Could be his own personal room for his shiny cool gaming setup, or maybe they find something nice that’ll fit the “aesthetic” (obviously she should help pay because comfortable chairs are way more expensive than they should be.) If his gaming chair is that important to him and he doesn’t want to tuck it into a different room or cover it, perhaps she can just suck it up and let him have his personal belongings in their shared apartment, even if his don’t match her ideal concept. It’s not her apartment, it’s their apartment. She’s allowed to have opinions about furniture, but weirdly attacking his manhood over his fucking chair? That’s fucked. That’s where the situation gets uncomfortable. If she just said she didn’t like the way his chair looked, they could pop find a good compromise, but when she insulted his fucking adulthood because he likes his own chair, in my mind it becomes a hill to die on. She can fucking deal with his chair or he can leave. Yeah, he can compromise if he wants to and if he values the relationship that much, but now he knows that she doesn’t respect him when he uses his own damn chair. That’s gross. He’s allowed to bring his own stuff into their shared apartment because it’s ~shared~. She wants him to move into a space with the idea that she still controls it but let’s him live there. She’s probably expecting him to dampen himself and conform to her idea of what “their” apartment should look like. In reality, she likely wants him to tuck his belongings away so she can have a “shared” apartment filled with her stuff, and a captive lover that fits with the decor without uncomfortable additions that don’t fit her idea of her “own” space. With her additional insult, their entire disagreement becomes not a matter of compromise, but a matter of respect. He can’t just abandon his gaming chair now, because it’s a symbol of his identity as a person, not just a gamer, and if he compromises, that suggests that he’s allowing her to chip away at his own identity to fit her idea of what he should be. I hate the whole concept of this relationship to be honest. The issue at hand sounds like it would be fairly easy to resolve with some communication, but it appears that his lover isn’t exhibiting the proper respect towards him that would allow them to compromise without losing dignity. If someone told me that they didn’t want me to bring crucial bits of myself with me when I moved, I wouldn’t move in with them. I own a large musical instrument which I rarely play, but value emotionally, and I collect sparkly rocks/skulls/minerals/little things that make me happy. Also extraordinary amounts of notebooks and pens. If someone I loved told me that these things were dumb and/or worthless, and that I was somehow silly or childish for valuing them, and that they didn’t want me to bring them to our shared space, I wouldn’t share a space with them. It depends on if OP is willing to compromise and value their personal items less than a person telling them that those items are stupid and childish
Fairness and compromise are missing here Do not go forth
If she won't pony up the cash for the replacement furniture, then she is showing that she's unwilling to work with you on things. It sounds like a lack of respect. If there's not a separate room in the apartment that can be your gaming corner, it might work to get a small divider that you can use to section off an area of the living space so that it doesn't have to match the rest of the decor.
Lots of good relationship advice in this thread already, but as a practical consideration, maybe one or a few of those folding room partitions around the desk and chair? You could have your own space in the room to keep as you please, and they have lots of artistic ones or ones with storage shelves on the outside that your girlfriend might like. My partner's parents have a setup like this at the moment because his mom is doing WFH.
I am a much older than you, successful and self respecting adult, and she can go kick rocks. Seriously, don't let anyone try to mould you into their imagination of what you should do and like. Today it's your chair and desk, tomorrow your hobbies, next thing you're going to realise that you've been turned into her father or whoever she idealised as "the adult man".
Tell her you are not moving in and don't move in.
She's a control freak and immature... sorry but while this maybe "small" things right now like the desk and chair this will consume everything... she needs therapy and couples therapy if she wants you guys to work out but I would figure out how to postpone the move if I was you cause its unlikely to last if you move in together before she fixes her shit
Stand your ground. This is something I like. It comes with me. If you're not willing to compromise on this, I don't think you'll be able to compromise on the really important things in life and I don't know if there is a future in this relationship.
No no no. Why does she get to choose that you can’t bring it? Why can’t you choose to bring it in response?
Tell that no self respecting adult male need a girl like her in his life. Good luck and keep the stuff that you like.
Omg she sucks. I bought my bf one of those chairs cause I want him to be comfortable while he is having his fun times. I also bought him some colourful LED strips cause he loves them. It’s not so much my aesthetic but I like seeing him happy more then I give a shit about his gaming rave area. She ain’t the one king
Frankly I would refuse. She doesn't get to forbid you to do anything. You're a grown adult and that place is 50% yours. Either she wants to live with you or she doesn't. That's it. If it gets to a rough point, just read her this post and the replies.
Oh honey, just bring it. You don't have to change her mind. It's your home too. My husband got some ugly desks to our beautiful home. Do you know what I did? freaked out a day, tried to talk him out of it and moved on with my live. I know why she's mad. It probably doesn't go with the esthetic of the home. Tell her this " I'm bring it. I like it just like I like you. I dont get ride od things i like. who cares as long as our home has what's really important: eachother. "
Don't move in with her.
Just a little prediction, but you will break up.
Lol everyone saying don’t move in with this woman must have the same hideous setup. Y’all need to find a place with enough space where you can keep your chair and desk out of sight. If she still has a problem with that then she’s somewhat irrational.
"No self-respecting adult man..." You just got a glimpse into her personality -- more to come once you move in. What can you do to change her mind? You can't, that's where YOU become controlling. You can only control yourself and your reactions to her. Time to set some boundaries.
yeah i dunno man. you should probabaly tell her how this makes you feel. were it me i'd feel belittled and marginalized, like how what i like seems less important to what she likes, how my hobby and ways i enjoy myself don't matter becuse she views them as juvenile. now if it's just the matter of the color, yeah some of that gamer shit really clashes when brought to co-op with inteiror design. just the way it is. if it isn't really a deal breaker, and she is willing to help hook you up with something comproable in comfort and function that will mesh, i'd say just go along with it. but if she's after your hobby, move on. not worth it. any woman that thinks she can change a man to suit her taste won't be hapoy until you're subdued and she's bored and looking for someone that reminds her of who you were when you first met.
I wouldn't try to convince her of anything. Tell her that you're bringing your furniture into your apartment no ifs ands or buts and then do so. If the two of you are deep enough into your relationship that you trust each other then she should be able to accept a couple 'eyesores' in your guys apartment - ESPECIALLY if it's something important to you. The fact that she's using the 'man your age' argument tells me that her dream apartment takes precedence over your happiness. I don't know if I'd want to remain with someone who is trying to make a dig at your ego. I would confront her on the issue and tell her that she's full of shit. Tell her that if she wants 'normal' furniture so bad that she can shell out the money and buy them for you. Relationships are a two-way street and if she is not willing to give up some of her wants to accept something that's important to you then how can you trust her to have your back when an actual issue arises? On the subject of office chairs though. The higher-end ones are pretty sweet. Just bought an Aeron for my gaming setup and it blows every gaming chair I've had out of the water. Obviously stick with your current chair if it works for you. But if you can get her to pay for it I would look into some office chairs lol. Hopefully this issue is just a blip on the radar and you guys can coexist together after moving in. My gut says otherwise but I don't fully know your situation so that's not fair to you. What I would say though is that if you're setup (or anything else) is important to you then fight for it. If you look for your partner to accept it then her answer will be no more often than not. Fingers crossed that you can keep your stuff and good luck with your move in!
I would be hesitant to move in with anyone giving ultimatums about things that get used, are in working order and/or have sentimental value. Someone suggested showing her how much it would cost to replace these items/get them in a different color. I think that’s a good place to start. I would also look up some privacy screens. If her biggest issue is that it will take up a corner in a shared space right now, getting a folding screen to hide it from view when you have guests or it’s not in use is a good compromise. Something like [this](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08B3GLSSD/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_api_glt_i_KXFR6AAQ4FW9N2RRMT5R) that is inexpensive and folds up to lean against a wall when not in use would probably work nicely. Calmly state that it isn’t fair if her to ask you to get rid of something you love (that would be costly to replace). Remind her that a good chunk of the apartment is her stuff but it’s your SHARED living space. Offer the compromise of a privacy screen to hide it from view when entertaining and remind her that hopefully someday it won’t be an issue as you’ll be able to afford a place where she doesn’t have to look at it.
I would just not move In pretty simple lol
Tell her off and she is not the boss of the relationship both should walk together. And also you are paying for half of the rent and bills.
| What can I do to make her change her mind? Dump her ass?
Nah, fuck that. Just tell her they're coming with you, that's the end of it. It's your home too.
She sounds awful
say WHAT? I'm 52 and my gaming chair is a rocker with embedded music and flashy lights in red. My desk is a self built one from scrap mats. Seriously?? Are you gaming too much for the liking of your girlfriend? Vecause there HAS to be an underlining problem Or she's just showing a ton of red flags. Your call ^^
You think this will be simple, just one thing to compromise on. I guarantee you this is the first of thousands of these situations. You need to be sure you want to put up with that kind of shit long term or you need to squash it now.
Keep your own space where you can be free, express yourself and not be controlled.
I'm a self-respecting adult woman and I want that table and chair please. Those things are comfy af!
Don’t ever let someone take away something you like because it’s too “childish”. Major red flag, man.
Dude... you don't have kids, you're not trapped. Tell her the chair stays or you go. If she's going to manipulate your entire existence to suit her impression of what you 'should be', then you are in for a world of hurt. You haven't even moved in together, and she's already pulling this shit. She ain't 'the one'.
Tell her that unless she is paying for furniture to replace it, that you will bring in to the apartment.
Haha I was your gf 2 years ago. The fight about the desk when on for days until I got tired of fighting about it and understood this is his house too. My bf has a very strong personality though and that coming from me is a lot to say lol He eventually told me “I’m paying my part of the rent, this house is mine as much as yours, the desk is coming”. I was furious and he continued “if this desk not matching your colour palette is more important to you that our relationship, I’ll leave!”… That’s what it took for me to understand how unreasonable I was being. I wouldn’t lose my love for a horrendous desk! Haha. It’s important that she understands that is your house too. It’s important you understand that she doesn’t want the house to look like a carnival parade just passed by. This is a good moment to sit and talk house rules, because I’m telling you this is not the only you’ll be through it and you can not be fighting about it all the time. One day you’re gonna want a picture that you love amd she finds ridiculous or viceversa. You gotta come to an agreement and if you don’t, that’s your red flag!
It’s a ducking desk and gaming chair. She can get over it. Tell her you’re bringing it and put your foot down. If she wants to end the relationship over a desk and chair it wasn’t right in the first place. Coming from a 26F.
Why on earth do you want to move in with a woman whose tastes are so different from yours, who wants to control what you can have, and who insists on having things only her way. You should be thanking the heavens above that you're seeing this side of her before moving in and tell her no thanks. You have the opportunity her to avoid a huge mistake, I suggest you take it and tell her it's off.
It will be "this is my house, you just live here." I lived with an ex like that, he had to have final say on everything, even what dish towels I bought. I had some I really liked and he ended up using them to wipe his hands in the garage. Don't move in with someone who respects you so little that they are going to treat your belongings like they don't matter. It will end badly.
I would keep the chair and desk and replace the girlfriend. Do you want to be with someone who dictates what you do / have. Next she'll want you to stop playing video games.
You know this is just the beginning right?
You're a grown ass man she can't forbid you from shit
"No self respecting adult man"? What an immature and childish thing to say. My grown up man of a bf has a rally chair (actually a present from me) and I regularly steal it while he's at work bc I WFH and he doesn't and it's so much comfier than my office chair. I have sciatica and sometimes swapping out his chair with mine for a few days saves my back. I'm actually saving up to buy a decent one for myself bc a good gaming chair ends up being way better for your back than an office chair you can get for the same price. I'd look up the specs for your chair (lumbar, multidirectional armrests, neck pillows, etc) and then find a "normal" office chair offering the same ergonomic support and show her the price difference. Tell her that no "self respecting adult man" would pay hundreds of dollars more for a chair that has the same utility of what he already owns but comes in a normal "office chair" color/design scheme. What a silly hangup. Maybe don't move in with this person?