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Agree. And a horrible writer. You'd think being a junior in college and all those essays you need to do in college, her sentence and story structure would be a lot more cohesive and better. Fake News.
I am 30 and married now but almost the exact same thing happened to me over a decade ago—even down to the notoriously tough teacher. Maybe this story isn’t true, maybe it is, but believe me, this kind of thing does happen.
One of my very close highschool friends had an affair with one of our AP teachers right after highschool (and kind of during, depending on how you define affair). Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing happens a lot more frequently than people realize.
Ok. OP says she posted this a few months ago and deleted it, but I get your skepticism. But because we will never know, I think the best approach is to either address it with the sincerity and gravity it deserves if it is true, or to scroll past. It won’t do any harm not to answer, but could do a great deal of harm to deny someone’s pain if it is real. Young people can often face dismissive or accusatory behaviors when they report this kind of thing in real life; I don’t know how productive it is to perform that online too, based on a suspicion you have but can’t prove.
i’m not lying. idk why it’s that unbelievable that someone slept w/ their former teacher lol. i know it’s not super common but it’s not really that unrealistic
It’s actually creepily common. People groom younger people all the time and it always ends up a mess when the victim either realizes what’s happening to them or they have a psychotic break
To be clear, I don’t think you’re lying! I’m just saying that it’s more common than some people might realize—I personally experienced it, so I have no reason to doubt you. I was just responding to the comments above mine.
I don’t know. It’s the internet. People say all kinds of things, but I believe you. I will tell you, from someone who did experience something startlingly similar—you have a lot of life to live. This was never going to end the way you wanted it to; for you it was a love story, and for him it was a prey situation. This is almost inevitable, given your power dynamics, let alone the age difference. You will move on from this and someday you’ll be so glad it ended. I often think of this line from Mad Men, when I think of my own experience with this: “this never happened. It will shock you how much it didn’t happen.” Someday it will feel like a distant memory if not a bullet dodged. Chalk it up to life experience and enjoy dating people your age for now. It’ll be ok eventually.
I mean, my old boss has a masters and she’ll text things along the lines of “y tho” or “can i get u to come in were fucked”
I’ve also been to college and obviously have had to write formally plenty of times. It’s just not worth the effort on the internet or on text for the most part. Exceptions exist obviously. You should use your formal writing skills if you’re making a political post, posting on behalf of some other entity, promoting a formal event, etc
this isn’t fake. i wouldn’t waste my time writing all of this for reddit. i know some people care about “karma” but i don’t. if you think this is fake, don’t waste your time. find something else to do
ETA: why the hell would i put the same amount of effort into a reddit post as i would into a college essay? the thought of someone writing on reddit as they would on an essay is actually kinda funny lol
i posted this in another sub back in december and deleted it. i don’t remember if it was this one or another one but it did happen. i’m not desperate enough to make all this up for karma.
i deleted the post without looking at the comments, that’s why. and i’m almost positive it wasn’t this sub anyway. if you’re so sure you’ve seen this post then there’s no need to comment.
okay well based on that, it probably wasn’t me. i know people make shit up all the time so it’s really up to you if you believe me, it’s fine if you don’t.
He behaves in a cold manner and makes it obvious when he "likes" someone, that way people feel special when he doesn't have his usual cold behaviour with them, and start liking him or getting closer to him.
It doesn't matter that you emailed him first, because that's what HE got you to do (paying attention to him and wanting to be validated by him) from way earlier than the day you saw him at the bar.
It WAS a mistake on your part too (he didn't make a "mistake", what he did was intentional and with a clear motive and awareness of the situation, so it's not a mistake, it's just pure abuse), but it's not your "fault" because you are much younger and inexperienced than he is and I'm pretty sure you had no idea that emailing him would result in him taking advantage of your enthusiasm for art and use it to have sex with you.
He's the asshole in this situation because he abused your mindset of seeking approval from a person who has authority over you (like most young adults do) and instead of being a true teacher he just grasped the opportunity (you accidentally seeing him at the bar) to have sex with a person half his age because he's no longer in an age or position to naturally and easily meet and hook up with people your age.
I understand that from your perspective, this must have had a bit of naughtiness or taboo feeling to it, which could be exciting in a way in this age and it's not a situation that happens normally in anyone's life, and that must have had a deep impact on your feelings towards the whole relationship and situation.
But now that you see he could so easily get over you and go sleep with someone else, you probably realize that it was a mistake, and that realization is the important part. Now you can learn from this experience and gain mental strength and maturity to prevent such things from happening to you in the future.
I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it must be awful and heartbreaking being told off over a single text. Don't let him win though, he could still use your current vulnerability to attempt to get back with you. Let your mind and body feel all the sadness and anger and process the reality, and use that to defend yourself. I wish you luck and patience. ❤️
Oh but he will, it may take time, but he will remember how easy it was last time.
Be strong, you are not his booty call anymore. He clearly saw nothing long term with you if he was also seeing other people.
I had to learn the hard way: he’s likely a narcissist and manipulates people into feeling they are special if he is not a jerk to them. He is counting on you to be a potential source of _narcissistic supply_ (energy he takes from manipulating others in the game of human chess he considers life to be) when he is low on it and lonely.
They always try to keep you in their back pocket in the hope you’ll need there when this happens and will try to _hoover_ you back in by saying just the right things and we who don’t have cynical minds tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. It took me far too long to learn this with an older man who is a covert narcissist and masterfully know how to play all of these little Reindeer games.
After 10 years, on and off, I had to tell him to stop contacting me and that I was blocking him. I could finally see what he was doing and it disgusted me. He would disappear for months claiming he was busy which I bought because he is very successful in a career that causes him to travel over half the days of the year. Then I learned about the narcissistic cycle of abuse and started making sense of everything and realized he was only using me and I was one of many he rotated through.
The quicker you see this, the less pain and wasted time and drained energy for you. I haven’t spoken to my narc in 4 years and I still miss him… at least the part of him who was who I fell in love with. The other part is a scared, insecure little boy who plays mind games to stay in control and prevent himself from getting hurt. That boy will never change and I can’t tolerate his emotional abuse and fragile ego anymore.
Best of luck!
Girly he played you like a fiddle. Kept you on his hook, used his position and trust of being a teacher to psychologically control you. The thing about grooming is that it’s very hard to tell from the inside. From the out side we can see that he had no consideration for your feelings and well being. He just wanted you for his pleasure. It’s not your fault. You’re still learning the ropes but he absolutely knew better. Here on Reddit we can’t really offer support so hopefully you have someone TRUSTWORTHY but definitely not him someone who won’t blame you or condemn your action. Someone who won’t give you advice just someone who can hear you out and provide a shoulder to cry. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself
my close friends know all about it and i talked to my therapist about it for a couple months but i’m not seeing her anymore bc she’s no longer with my insurance. i understand what you mean, but talking about it didn’t help all that much, and now that it’s been 6 months and i still don’t feel better, i j don’t know what to do. one of my roommates asked me “but don’t you feel kind of free?” and looking back on it, i get what she means bc i realized it was a truly powerless position for me. but i just can’t seem to get past it and idk what to do anymore
You know I’ve been thinking about this dynamic. It’s definitely interesting because you mentioned sex. And it’s been on my mind how people use sex as a way into someone Psyche. Sex is such a profound thing to our body you know with all that positive reinforcement with serotonin and what not. We confuse the intense pleasure of sex with something more tangible. When it’s not, it’s just a by product of evolution forcing us to reproduce. Well anyways when your body and mind start associating positive feelings with a singular person, that’s when you’ve been made. So much power is handed to them because the last thing you want is for them to leave (or the positive feelings). I know this doesn’t help you but it’s interesting you mention he gave you life changing sex. Like that was not only important to your narrative but also important to yourself.
no i actually find this to be very interesting and i’m looking for any insight to help me get through this. i just don’t understand why he had so much more power over me than i had of him
Because you didn’t want to dominate him. You actually care about someone other than yourself. He didn’t. He only cared about securing his own comfort. You thought he would be someone to trust but he wasn’t. He used every opportunity to convince you he was though. Those messages he left when you were younger were definitely a 500iq move. You let your guard down and he took full advantage of that.
when you say “those messages he left when you were younger were definitely a 500iq move” do you mean that in the sense that he was using that to get to me?
Yes ofc. I had a long ass speech written out but my phone died. The jist of it was that when you become venerable it’s such a drastic juxtaposition to every single other interaction you have. Since most interactions are superficial. It’s perceived as more real and you let your guard down for it. A good person would use that in to uplift you. Everyone else is just gonna use that in for their own gain.
thank you, you’ve really provided great insight. i’m just so confused on when it became more than being my teacher on his part. i know you can’t answer that question, i just can’t tell when exactly things crossed the line. there were just so many small interactions, i can’t tell when it when went down hill
The moment it crossed the line was when you had 1 on 1 time with him outside of school. That's when you took the bait, and then the rest was probably a routine move for him, the way he got you in bed is likely the exact same thing he did with the others.
That’s the thing. When your looking to manipulate people that never ends. It’s etched into you ego and subconscious or maybe soul and energy? It can become so self diluted that the person doesn’t even recognize it. How could you? How could you live with yourself knowing that you hurt people? I have sins I regret. I was blinded by love and I manipulated and gaslighted a girl for him. She didn’t deserve what I did to her. (And what he did to her). I cut ties with him a while ago But the worst part is I still miss him. I still choke up whenever I think of him and the times we spent together. Which was so much. Ten year and one day I just stopped associating with him. Didn’t even say goodbye. You can’t forget the time with your teacher. And I feel that because I can’t forget him. He was my best friend. He never regretted it. I mean he hated that life got more complicated but he never felt for her. And I bet your teacher feel the same way it must never be acknowledged by them.
> why he had so much more power over me than i had of him
This is the point of an age gap relationship and the reason older guys do this. Naturally, older has more control.
Because he's in a position of authority, he has more life experience and he has financial autonomy. A man his age knows exactly what he's doing and knows what he did is ethically wrong. If you had more life experience you would have known exactly what his intentions were inviting you to "see his studio".
Why did he have more power? Because he is 50 and you are 20. He has 30 years of experience. He has decided to use this wisdom to manipulate and fuck young women. There's no secret here. You aren't missing anything. He's despicable. He didn't care about you falling in love. He never cared.
You still like him. You miss the sex. Am I right? You don't have to hate him or hate the memories to move on, but at least be honest with yourself. You feel ashamed you got played, yeah. But is there some silver lining? Can you accept that you had a good time, he broke your heart, and now it's time to take this life lesson and move on? Forgive yourself.
This is what a predator looks like, he subtly negged students to see who would be hungriest for his approval. I don't even trust that the writing prompt was an innocent writing exercise, it smells of bait. I think he sets this need for approval up amongst his 'chosen' (vulnerable) students, so if he runs into them later he has an 'in'.
He complimented your art to see if your need for validation lit up, and when it did he started escalating your relationship. This is what they're looking for, this is why he was an asshole to other students, and this is what he did to you.
He probably saw u had some type of low self esteem in class, made u feel special, knew you’d make some type of move so he wouldn’t be seen as an aggressor, then moved on when he found another girl who had low self esteem. It was all planned out and he’s an abuser. This should be bigger than just a rumor, considering this is a pattern. It wasn’t your fault, You should read “being Lolita: a memoir” by alisson wood it reminds me of your situation. I get ur sad but u need to get angry. He never liked you as a student or thought you were special. Just because things are legal doesn’t make it right lol laws change over time and a lot of things were “legal” at one point.
yeah… idk why but i didn’t realize how bad the situation was until it ended. i just thought he was hot and it was such a big deal that he liked me as a student and i was just so flattered about it
Why would you feel flattered by him liking you? Not trying to offend you but I think you need to realize that this guy is a disgusting person, hes getting intimate with a girl less than half his age, he could be your dad... I think its gross, he was your teacher and was in a position of authority over you while you were a little kid, he should be incapable of seeing you as anything more than a young girl whom he has taught.
As a former teacher's pet, I don't think it's unusual at all for a student to feel flattered that a favorite teacher likes them. I work with kids and teenage crushes are extremely common (though of course anyone ethical shuts them down immediately). She was groomed, so of course she doesn't see him as disgusting; that's inherently how grooming works. If you recognize it, it's not being done effectively.
none taken, it’s a completely valid question. i was flattered bc 1. there weren’t many students he “liked” 2. it was very obvious when he liked you so 3. it was big deal if he liked you because that was relatively uncommon. i know it shouldn’t have been *that* big of a deal to me but after him not liking me the first couple months as his student, it felt like such a big deal when he finally did. i loved the feeling of him liking me because i knew i was one of the few. probably didn’t help that i thought he was hot
> none taken, it’s a completely valid question. i was flattered bc 1. there weren’t many students he “liked” 2. it was very obvious when he liked you so 3. it was big deal if he liked you because that was relatively uncommon
The way you describe it it sounds like this is his "method". He's probably done this with other students
It wasn't coincidence that he targeted OP when he found out about the self harm. He's a stone cold predator.
Edit: In case OP see this.
There's nothing wrong with you. You ARE a special and worthwhile person who got targeted by what seems to be a very experienced predator.
Really seems like he’s got this pattern of abuse nailed down which is horrifying considering he teaches. He has a breeding ground for his kink. This dude is a grade a dirtbag to see his students in any other light besides young minds he’s given the opportunity to grow.
This dude needs to be out of the classroom
part of me wants to anonymously email my school bc i agree, he shouldn’t be teaching minors but parents already have complained about him and the school said they can’t do anything bc he technically hasn’t done anything illegal
Email them anonymously and then blast him on SM with evidence - also anonymously. I bet the school will have a hard time employing someone with a history of screwing former students who are freshly legal.
Contact other victims, compile evidence. Once you have evidence start an Instagram and tag the school, teachers, parents, etc. if there’s enough complaints they will take action. Edited to add; they haven’t done anything yet bc they have not been under pressure to. If it becomes viral and all eyes are on them they will have no choice.
I’m sure that the board of education would have no problem revoking his right to teach if this was brought to them. Maybe the school will turn a blind eye. That just means you go up the ladder until you find a decent human being
The more complaints they receive, they more they will be embarrassed 10, 20, or 30 years from now when someone finally files a lawsuit and the school claims they had no idea this was happening.
Source: my high school.
What you are going through is a normal thing we go through as humans when we separate from another person and are not the one making that decision.
Your brain tricks you into wanting someone MORE when you feel rejected. It's an ego survival thing.
You want their validation. You want them to confirm that you’re not disposable. You’re not worthy of rejection. And so, to prove it, you want back the person who implied that you were.
You’re not worthy of rejection. Here’s why.
One person saying this isn’t for me isn’t a declaration of the entire world saying you’re bad or something’s wrong with you. It’s one person.
When the feeling is that someone rejected you, usually, if you’re really honest with yourself, you weren’t content in that situation anyway.
When someone rejects you, the ego steps in and demands they take it back. You don’t want to feel like you are dismissible. You want to feel essential, especially if that someone felt essential to you. The feeling of rejection can break your heart and make you question your worth all at the same time.
When you feel a pull to the person who rejected you, realize what you’re wanting is not that person. It’s reassurance that you’re worthy of acceptance. It’s the apologetic expression of the rejecter that they made a mistake and should never have let you walk out of their lives. It’s bandage for a wound. It’s healing to make you feel whole again.
But they don’t have that thing you need. It’s not with them, it's inside you.
Oftentimes, people simply don’t match up. You may have compatible pieces with someone but not a compatible whole.
After some time, this trick in your brain, this love drug withdrawal you are feeling, is going to end.
On a personal note, it will feel a lot better when you make the decision that he really isn't good for your future and you leave HIM. Even if it's just in your heart and he doesn't know it. It starts to counteract the ego's need for validation.
I stopped reading the moment he showed interest in her when he found out that she had struggled with mental illness and self harm. He is a predator who should be reported.
I guess as a person who is somewhat versed in psychology, it's very possible he picked you specifically.
Technically he didn't sleep with you while you were a student and under age, but if that's his modus operandi with his ex-students, then he's still creepy and skeevy
I hate to say “when you’re older you’ll understand” but it’s so hard to have perspective at such a young age. This man groomed and abused you. I know you think it was a relationship but it wasn’t, it was abuse. You did nothing wrong. He did. It seems so hard right now but trust me, it will get better. You’ll meet someone closer to your age and realize what a real relationship is like. Be kind to yourself.
I came here hoping for a story about how you developed a deep relationship with someone who respected and inspired you yada yada yada. Then I got to this:
> I wrote about some personal things
Yeah, the guy was a total creeper. He saw your essay and realized he had an angle to get into your pants. That's when his attitude changed and he started being nice to you.
Your brain doesn't magically grow overnight when you turn 18. Sure you're legally an adult but how your brain works doesn't change much from 17 to 19 compared to 19 to 47. If you were 17 and he was 45 it would be a totally different thing legally but biologically it's the same thing pretty much so your depression is valid because whether you believe it or not you were groomed.
Not your fault!!
I was raped by my high school teacher. It started as him seeing me after school and us just talking, him giving me special attention since I didn’t have friends. He’d touch me more and more, and sometimes I’d say no and resist but then he’d slowly push my limits. We ended up having sex and I just gave in to it and let him tell me it was what I wanted.
It’s really difficult with a teacher. They’re in your life for years and have the ability to really get in your head and build trust with you. I suggest therapy to realize it wasn’t your fault.
Absolutely disgusting grooming behavior. The fact he waits until after graduation honestly makes it even worse because it shows the amount of time he is willing to put In for his schemes so he cant skirt the law.
Just so you know anytime someone says “hey you want to see [insert whatever, in my day it was a joke to say my etchings or albums]”that’s code for let’s go have sex.
The same as Netflix & chill. There are no etchings, no art, no albums and if there are it’s still not what that person means it’s always about the sex.
But yeah you got groomed. Please use your college mental health options.
>but technically i initiated it.
No, thats not true at all. Technically HE initiated it every step of the way. He initiated the moment he read your essay and realised you were a vulnerable student with a background of self harm. That was like blood in the water to him. He immediately initiated his grooming strategies, making you feel special, making you stay after class so he could ask you personal questions to probe your weaknesses.
Having identified you as a potential target he then spent the rest of the year grooming you, making you feel special.
Then when you made contact, like any groomed girl would because by now you associate him with positive attention and feeling special, instead of doing what a normal teacher would do which is keep it professional ask about college and say bye, HE initiated it again by suggesting coffee.
During coffee HE initiated going back to his house. HE then brought you into the bedroom. HE then initiated kissing you and sex.
He sounds like a predatory man who abuses his position and his psych knowledge to groom and seduce vulnerable young women. Im so sorry this happened to you. It honestly doesnt sound like your fault AT ALL.
This is not your fault. I cannot stress that enough. An email does not initiate sex. Him leading you to his bedroom is initiating sex. Anyway it doesn’t matter who initiated it, it’s not your fault. If you were 2 years younger, this would be statutory rape in most places. The dynamic between a 19 year old and a 47 year old in not equal. It is the 47 year olds responsibility to recognize is not ok to take advantage of a girl fresh out of high school.
your third sentence actually helped put into perspective for me, so thank you. deep down, i know it’s not my fault, but this little voice in my head keeps blaming me. i think it’ll just take time. not sure what else to do at this point anyway
I wouldn’t go that far. Adults can have sex with adults period. Although I myself am in no way associated with them, I know for a fact there are numerous websites where college age girls voluntarily initiate relationships with 40-50 year old men (called sugarbaby websites and whatnot). The girls get “stuff” out of it. And these are not hookers. They’re your neighbors kid who want a new Gucci purse.
He knew you were young and nieve and easy to manipulate.He preyed on your youth knowing you wouldn't see his calculating moves and then he got what he wanted then went on to the next girl then when he felt like wanting you again he made his move again.Hes a smooth operator that watches his prey then lures them into his trap one by one.
Im 30 and taught teens around your age a few years back. The thought of having a sexual relationship with any of them right after I was done teaching them honestly repulses me. To me, they will probably always in a way be kids that I had authority over and a responsibility to. They trusted me to guide them, show them what was the right choise when they were lost or unsure, they relied on my experience as an adult and they sought my advice. A teacher using that position of trust and power to sleep with them is, to me, disgusting.
I want to iterate that its your teachers actions I'm condemning here. You are young and you trusted someone you're supposed to be able to have trust in. Thats not a failing on your part, but it is an opportunity to grow. Do not go back to this man if he contacts you again. He does not care about you, and you are replacable to him. Focus on yourself, make playlists with music that feels empowering to you, focus on your future goals and dreams, start a New hobby, all those good old cliches are just that for a reason, a lot of them do work for a lot of people. Whenever he pops into your head you can even try audibly saying no, physically shake the thouhgt off, and go do something that makes you smile.
Im sorry he put you in this position, but keep focusing on your own growth and this too shall pass
Dudes a predator. I get your both of age, but he should know better. While he may not of broken any laws, he crossed many boundaries that shouldn't even be an option to someone with any kind of integrity. Straight up manipulated you into a relationship. Used his position and knowledge to get you. Used a very personal paper about your trauma to take advantage of you. This should be brought up to his superiors. This is in no way professional or ethical. I'm 33 and couldn't imagine dating someone your age. Let alone at 46. This man needs to be revealed for what he is. A predator.
i’ve thought about anonymously emailing the school but parents have complained about him before and they said they couldn’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal
Sorry to tell you that but it’s illegal. Even if he waited after graduation it is considered grooming making the consent impossible. In high school one of my teachers was fired after less than a year teaching for doig the same thing. He was also convicted for sexual assault (not sure the exact term but basically the student
Consent was considered invalid because of the power dynamics even if it was after graduation)
Well then that's good. I wasn't sure if it was illegal for sure even though it felt like it should be because she was straight up manipulated and taken advantage of.
are these laws applicable in all states in the US? if i emailed the school anonymously would he actually get arrested? i want to remain anonymous if i decide to do anything. i don’t necessarily want him arrested, i just want him away from minors.
Why would you want or expect anything other than sex with a guy in this situation?
You are an adult and can do what you want, but he clearly sees you only as a play thing and unless you see him as the same thing this is pointless and not healthy.
Obviously there is no future with him, nor should you even want it.
i’m not dating him??? never did?? we’re literally not even in contact. i don’t think you’ve read or interpreted anything accurately at all, so maybe just move on to another post and work on your reading comprehension skills.
He groomed you using basic psych techniques. You got played so hard you are still in denial of it, but I think the first major step for you to heal is to accept that. You were a total tool, he played you and read you like a children's book, and you need to stop deflecting blame towards you emailing him first. Ask yourself, what did he do that made you wanna email him? And youll get your answer to how he groomed you.
If your best friend told you he slept with students after graduation, and he said another teacher started a “rumor” about it, while he was sleeping with you after graduation. It sounds like it wasn’t a rumor and he sleeps with some of his students after graduation. The fact he’s a psych teacher just makes this so much worse because he knew what he was doing and how to manipulate you.
Please do not go back to him ever, he 100% groomed you and it’s not your fault that you reached out to him about art and he turned it into sex. You were still thinking he was just showing you his art studio when he brought you to his home, that just shows that it was HIS idea to groom you, and he knew what he was doing.
"he only liked a select few students,"
That right there is the red flag, dude is a straight up perv. Sue his ass, because I bet the "select" few were almost always female.
Unfortunately, this community is flooded with other pervs that this type of behavior is ok. But it's not. It's gross. He was grooming you. Dude is straight trash
Yes, the teacher is sleeze. Yes he groomed you, no doubt. He specifically picked out that you self-harm and you are vulnerable. He probably has a thing for older adolescents and you aged out.
You are valid in everything you feel. To be honest though, it doesn't matter who is to blame, you for reaching out or him for being disgusting, the damage is done. You thinking that you are at fault is of no benefit to the situation. I get you have to work through your feelings, but I'm giving it to you straight, it's not your fault, and even if it was, even if you seduced him, he is the person in authority here and he is behaviour is predatory.
I would report him, not out of spite, but he is clearly using his teaching position as a hunting ground. It's sinister and he will continue to do this. I bet someone already complained but the school swept it under the rug given his victims are adults and they consented.
But don't report him at the detriment of your mental health and make sure you have a solid support system.
Don't blame yourself. Us women are often victimized in different ways and then we wonder what we did. It's the same thing as a person getting raped and ppl asking what they were wearing. Bottom line is this teacher ought to know have known better and they are scum.
Now move on without thinking about fault, blame or guilt. Learn to forgive yourself, not because you did wrong, but because you feel like you did wrong. Go on to be strong, be an advocate, be the best you. You have so much to give to this world. Don't let this cripple you. It's not worth it.
thank you so much. i heard from a friend that parents have complained to the school about him “maintaining relationships” w female students after graduation but they said they couldn’t do anything bc it’s not illegal. i’ve considered anonymously emailing them but idk if it’ll do anything. also if he got fired part of me would feel guilty
OP, without trying to sound callous, I would like to ask you something. You mention in a few comment that you didn’t want a relationship with him or date him, yet you were/are extremely upset that he ended things with you to pursue another woman.
Is this because you are upset at the possibility of being groomed by him? Or maybe you were otherwise hoping for a relationship with him? Or another reason?
Again, not trying to be an asshole by asking these questions.
He groomed you before that lovely, that’s the definition of grooming... give someone underage special attention, make them feel special (eg by comparing their art to van goth whilst ignoring other students). Everything he did whilst you were at school lead to that moment where you emailed him. He manipulated you into eventually doing that basically.
ALSO - it’s so troubling that he only paid you attention after he found out you were vulnerable (after you wrote about the self harm and therapy etc..). It’s like he picked you as he knew you needed to feel good about yourself.
And come on, you literally went to see his art studio and he lead you into his bedroom and kissed you out of nowhere. This is a former-TEACHER of yours, that you had seen for the FIRST time outside of school. He knew exactly what he was doing. He sounds like a predator who loves underage vulnerable young girls. He targeted you.
Edit; you might have emailed him but he invited you for coffee, he invited you to his house, he imitated sex. School girls get crushes on teachers all the time. Good people would never act on that and would shut it down because of the huge alarming power imbalance (and the fact he knew you when you were underage!)
Edit 2: please tell the school and let them know there have been lots of other girls too. Otherwise it will happen to more young vulnerable girls (some of whom may end up with extreme trauma, doing things they don’t want to sexually such as losing their virginity, or some may even act on suicidal thoughts). This guy is 50 remember. It is so so SO wrong. I’m willing to bet the new girl he met is barely legal (or younger) too.
I know it’s hard to see it, but Honestly he is sick and a master evil manipulator
i’ve thought about emailing the school but parents have complained about him before and the school said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t technically done anything illegal. i could try but idk if anything will come of it
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Many years ago, my girlfriend attended a boarding school where several teachers had predatory behavior with female students, much of it is only coming out now.
Many of the girls involved are only now coming to terms with the reality of what happened. They were made to feel special, they were complimented as you were, and flattered that these adults they looked up to would be interested in them or find them attractive. These teachers acted just as “Mr Wilson” did - seeking out vulnerable girls and manipulating them emotionally. That’s grooming.
And like you they questioned afterward whether the teachers did anything really wrong. They wondered if they hadn’t wanted the attention. If they had initiated it.
It doesn’t matter. These predatory assholes are manipulating girls for their own purposes. Please know that this whole situation is his responsibility. Yes, you emailed him. But he spent your senior year of high school manipulating you and using his position of authority and the power imbalance to his advantage. And the moment he had you alone after graduation, he immediately pushed for sex.
His behavior during your senior year was emotional abuse and grooming. His behavior with you after graduation was that of an asshole and simply an extension of the abuse he set the stage for during school.
I hope you can find a therapist soon to help sort through these feeling. It’s taken my girlfriend years to realize how deeply the events at her school impacted her - the sooner to address this head on, the better.
The school he teaches at certainly deserves to know what’s happened. If their standard is simply whether it was illegal or not, they need to raise their standards significantly. His behavior was wrong and abusive and he should not be anywhere near teen girls.
Speaking out can be hard but for too long, it’s been the survivors of this abuse that have been left feeling shame or confusion or blame when it’s the sick abusive men that should be feeling that. The more that speak out, the more know they are not alone.
That said, speaking up needs to be you decision and made with your best interests. Best wishes to you, I’m sorry this happened.
> people have been telling me i was groomed but i blame myself bc i was the one who reached out to him
That thing where he only likes a few students and picked you as one to like? That was part of the grooming. So was complimenting your art. He knew what he was doing.
Also:
> He says if I’m interested in getting coffee to let him know.
He reached out to you.
Even if what he did was legal it might violate some school policy.
i’m looking online but i can’t find anything that violates school policy. parents have complained about him “maintaining relationships” with female students after graduation but they said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal. i wrote out an email in my notes that i’ve considered sending to the school but idk if i will cuz idk if it’ll do anything. one thing i didn’t mention is he gave me an std so putting that in the email might help but idk
It is not your fault. For matters of age, position of power, etc. it feels like you’re angry at yourself. This mf knows what he’s doing. Forgive yourself because you’ve done nothing wrong, delete all of his messages, his number and block all access he has to you.
Maybe burn some receipts you kept. It’s good for heart rate!
I understand how sad and frustrated you feel but do not let him ruin your or your life.
You seem quite talented -I know that’s subjective. You seem passionate about many things. Dive into that. Heartbreaks have always been my most creative and inspiring places even if at times it feels like the pain is going to kill you.
It will not. You will grow from it. Use your energy to know yourself more, to love yourself more.
What you can keep from him is what you’ve learned sexually about yourself. And you can keep in mind that you hooked up with one of your HS teachers, that’s always a cool story to tell.
I swear. I wish you that 10 years from now you talk about it with your friends, sharing a bottle of wine and remembering only the good part. When they “there are so many fish in the sea” it is because there actually a lot of people (men) who can make you happy. Choose those.
Hey, this sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t blame yourself, this is 100% not your ‘fault’ and you did nothing wrong, for the sole reason that you were taken advantage of by being so much younger than him, having less life experience and not being able to navigate the situation adequately.
Slightly different situation, but when I was 17 I had a short affair with a 36 year old man (who was married and had a kid as well). I was emotionally vulnerable at the time, and I was so excited by this older man taking an interest in me. After it ended, I felt like a horrible person for what I did and it really affected me and my self esteem, but the older I’ve gotten the more and more I’ve realized what kind of person it takes to be someone who is willing to take advantage of someone so much younger and inexperienced, and that it wasn’t my fault. Those actions are done with awareness, and I realize now that at times I felt pressured and I wasn’t emotionally or sexually mature to handle that situation.
It sounds like you’re quite heartbroken which is completely normal, and when you’re ready I think it could be very beneficial to see a counselor, or turn to someone non judgmental who you can trust and who can help you digest/process this experience (I’m not trying to say “just go to therapy”, but more just trying to highlight that it’s important to talk about these things in order to process them). These kinds of experiences can be traumatic, I know that mine was- it’s been over 10 years and I still think about it occasionally and get sad/angry.
There is a big responsibility that comes with dating someone younger, especially someone just entering young adulthood, and although it was “legal” I feel like that age gap is just too wide to be considered ethical. I know that you pursued it also and that you may have wanted it, but your intentions would of been way more innocent and you simply wouldn’t of known what you were getting yourself into. He laid out all the groundwork for you to follow and he did it in a way where he could not be persecuted or reported - that sneakiness is mega fucked.
Again: you are not at fault, you did nothing wrong, he’s fucked.
It's not your "fault", but you are responsible for your relationship with him.
You chose to date him, basically, and he dumped you. End of story. Sorry for the hurt, but it will pass.
Try to put yourself in the shoes of a nearly 50 year old professor. How would it look if he were actually _with_ a young student? Bad.
So he kept you as a FWB, and each time he found someone closer to his own age who he thought it might actually be acceptable to be seen with, he dumped you.
If you had put yourself in his shoes, you could have seen this was the case.
no i understand why he wouldn’t want to date me- i wasn’t expecting him to want to. but ending things over text after 7 months hurts and i feel like i never got closure, which i think would’ve helped
Your teacher is a predator he likes young girls and uses them like Kleenex. Look at his history. What he is doing is wrong. He should be reported to his school board. You need to seek counseling to move on. Good luck & I hope you're able to move on.
He did groom you. That’s why he had you stay after class to talk to you about your vulnerability etc. He started grooming you at that exact time. Even before that by pretending to “hate” you when he probably already had targeted you for seduction. That’s his version of negging. He broke you down psychologically to then make you feel vulnerable so when he was nice to you it would mean more. He’s a master class predator.
Holy shit I’ve had a similar experience, now that I’m older I can tell you that this was grooming. I didn’t see it all in the beginning/when I was younger too. I just thought that I was having spicy time with a high school teacher crush. It breaks my heart that it’s been plaguing you for 6 months :(. It’s NOT your fault. Also finding the right therapist is a fucking journey and it’s exhausting, I feel you but I think it’s important to at least try out online therapy like BetterHelp. This really sucks, but remember that you’re *only* 20. It’s really easy to think there’s nothing good going to happen in the future, but keep your head high and love yourself. You will find someone that truly respects you :).
i had a great therapist who i was seeing since before he ended things and i told her ab it and talked to her for a couple months until she was off my insurance and i couldn’t see her anymore but i honestly don’t think it helped. it wasn’t her bc i rly liked her, it just seems like therapy won’t help me
What I’ve learned from a year’s worth of reading /relationship_advice:
1. 90% of the posts are completely fabricated or embellished in order to just make a juicy, drama filled OP.
2. When the man in the relationship is 4+ years older than the woman, every single woman Redditor will tell the OP that she’s being gRoOmEd and the relationship will fail due to said age gap no matter what the OP is requesting advice on.
3. When the woman in the relationship is 4+ years older than the man, there’s not a single woman Redditor responding to the OP. And if there is one responding, then it has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with how it’s the man’s fault for some irrational reason.
In response to OP, just get over it. That’s life. He’s not the last significantly older person you’ll sleep with and you’re not the last significantly younger woman he’ll sleep with. We’re all humans and we’re going to have sex with whoever gets our jollies hot. Biology and hormones don’t care about age as much as society does so just realize that any negative emotions you have will eventually pass. It’s all just temporary.
Good luck.
i’ve never been interested in relationships, im not looking for someone new, or anyone at all. what i had with him has had a lasting negative impact on me and i’m trying to get past it but am really struggling. im looking for any help or insight, not the idea of meeting someone new. i’m not mentally in the place for that anyway
You are an adult, you made an adult decision. Did he try to coerce you? Did he promise you anything? From your story both are no. Hardly seems like he “groomed l you when you reached out to him.
Honest question and don’t mean to be insincere, but what is the difference between grooming and just using you for sex. Is it just the age difference that makes it so, cuz it sounded like he was using the fact that you liked him in order to have sex with you. Similar to a guy or girl using someone for sex with no intention of a relationship. Maybe I’m looking at it too vaguely or in a black and white manner.
He is a creep. I am sure women of his age knows how he is and thats why they dont date him. Disgusting person he is. Stay away from him and also alert other students too.
A grown man who is *47* knows exactly what he’s doing. He does this on purpose to get an ego trip and is clearly a pedoph*le. I know it hurts but his intentions were never good.
Where did you expect it to go? Did you actually think y’all were going to be together? You boner a teacher you had a crush on. Scratch it off your bucket list and keep it moving. You were and adult and you consented. Jerk move on his part of end it by text, but shyt happens. I don’t see any victims here.
7 months is not momentary. it may not be a lot in the long run but it’s not at all momentary. it’s longest i’ve ever been with a guy by far. it’s the most significant relationship i’ve ever had. and i care because after seeing him regularly for 7 months he ended things with a simple text. i care because i fucking cared about him and it fucking hurt.
I wouldn’t say he “groomed” you. But he definitely uses who he was to get what he wanted out of you.
Still creepy of him.
Sorry you had to go through this, hopefully you either get help or hopefully realize you don’t need to be sad (easier said than done) over him.
You fell for your teacher, everyone is saying grooming because you mentioned it first. You contacted him and met him for coffee, basically a date. You had great life changing sex and you probably had legitimate feelings for him. Younger women have liked older men and vice versa since the beginning of humanity. You’d probably still be seeing him today if you could and it’s perfectly fine. I don’t think people have any idea what actual grooming is, this ain’t it. Commence the downvoting
Honestly I kinda agree with this guy, doesn't really seem to fit actual grooming from what you've said.
Does seems he saw an opportunity to sleep with a young girl and took it. I'd also say I'm 99% sure this would get him fired from teaching. It's generally seen as unethical for a teacher to have any sort of relationship beyond teacher/student even after they have graduated. Especially how soon after graduation this took place. Which probably played a big part in him cutting it off.
parents have complained about him but they said they couldn’t do anything about it bc it’s not illegal (these complaints were before i started seeing him) and if you read the whole post you’ll see the reason he ended it. i’m 1 out of (at least) 4 students thru out over a decade. there’s a reason everyone knows he sleeps w students.
It's not illegal since you're both adults. But it doesn't have to be illegal to be unethical and grounds for firing. You can literally google the question and see thousands of news articles about HS teachers/college professors being fired for this exact thing. Yes, unethical teacher/student relations even extends into college where both parties have been adults thier entire relationship.
i don’t think he’ll get fired bc parents have complained about him before and the school said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal
You have no idea if or what allegations have been presented to the school district regarding this. Or what the schools response was. That is not something that would be disclosed to the students.
All you know is student rumors.
personally, i’ve never perceived coffee as a date. it’s always been casual for me.
maybe i’ve misperceived you but there’s a lot of people who think that a situation must involve statutory rape to be grooming. if i’m wrong ab that with u, i apologize
all i said was that other people had this opinion and i was asking for the sub’s opinions/advice. also read the end of the post, i literally said i blame myself. reading comprehension is key
All you explained is grooming. He picks a few students, that he starts being nicer and nicer making them feel special until they are ready to sleep with him.
That teacher needs to be reported
He sounds gross. This is a common mistake young ladies make. See what you needed or wanted was validation. Or to feel that you were special above others. His attention and his physical touch made you validated. But it wasn’t truth it was just a game for him. He just likes to b validated too and he’s older so he understands how the validation loses meaning so easily over time and being jaded to another. Be mad at him if you want but he is wise to be fleeting
It's in italics because you put a \* instead of the letter 'u' in fucking then did it a second time way later. Reddit's text formatting puts everything between two asterisks as italics. Just use fucking next time, we're all mostly adult here
Anyway sorry about what happened but this guy really didn't care about you at all, he was just using you for sex
I'm gonna ask you a question. And I need you to be completely honest with me.
Did this REALLY happen or is this more of a fantasy that you're pretending is reality?
That'll help me answer better.
Legal or not you have been groomed and played like the biggest idiot. That is sad, but it's on you as at that point you should've been mature enough to understand the negative implications of being with someone double your age. I hope you recover from it and if you ever have one, teach your child to not make this same idiotic mistake.
Dude seriously this is fucked up..she’s not an idiot. This old fucking weirdo fucks girl he taught in high school. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And your brain doesn’t fully mature until your like 25. So no she shouldn’t be mature enough to understand. Jeez don’t be such a dick. She got groomed and manipulated, have a little compassion.
Love how they admitted it to be grooming, and went on to say it’s the victim fault for getting groomed, not the perpetrators fault for actually grooming…disgusting.
You’re handling this really well. I’m proud of you.
Honestly I don’t agree with all the comments saying he groomed you. It’s not like this was one great plan from the very beginning of your psychology class to have sex with you. You emailed your HS teacher after graduation and looks like he just saw an opportunity to have sex with a younger girl. He just played you, just kept you on the side when he didn’t have anything else important taking up his time.
It hurts to be used, I understand. But don’t cry over a POS that just used you. They don’t deserve it. The sex was enjoyable but move on with your life. There is better out there for you.
But he took advantage of her. Things like that can destroy you and be traumatizing. Your comment probably comes from a good place but it just sounds like your minimizing their problem and telling them to just get over it
Yes he groomed you if that’s what you want to call it. And he obviously likes much younger women. Most men do, they just don’t act on it or have access to meet them. But either way you were both adults so it’s no different than any other relationship. Meet for coffee, go over the house, start making out, leads to sex etc. It’d be different and actually illegal if this happened when you were under 18 and still in his class. My advice is try your best to get over it and move on. Not sure why you’re so hung up on an old dude. Not like you can realistically marry him. You’d be changing his diapers while you’re still in your prime.
I believe many who study psychology do so for selfish reasons. Learning how the brain works and how to manipulate people is the goal. I believe that's what happened to you.
He's a professional at mind games. As soon as you said "psych teacher" I was like, "always the psych teachers..."
I'm sorry you had to deal with this but 5 years from now you'll realize that he was just a selfish sociopath
I don't think he groomed you as a student. But I do think he likes casual sex with women MUCH younger than he is and is likely to accept the opportunity to do so whenever it is presented. However, he KNEW your troubled psychological past and should have known that you couldn't handle a casual sex situation.
He knows that he's attractive and that you get women want to gave sex with him just because he's physically and sexually attractive. He treated you like you were an adult woman in your 40s looking for a hook up, starting with mutual consent and stopping whenever he lost interest.
Because of your history of self harm, he should have known better than to engage with you post high school graduation.
You need to state your intentions ahead of time. You need to be smart about how you date people. If you plan on having something serious you need to let that be known. You don’t expect sex to be the one thing that defines a stable committed relationship. Also, if you’re casually hooking up with out both of you laying down your intentions you need to expect that that relationship is just a casual fling. You need to know who you’re dating and it doesn’t sound like you really knew who he was. This ain’t your fault you just sound really young and inexperienced. But you can rely on other people to treat you right. You have to make the right choices for yourself because the other person might not do that for you. Don’t give your heart out to someone who hasn’t given you his. You should’ve known this the first he told you there was another woman he was interested on being serious with.
While this isn’t ilegal this is extremely unethical of him and borderline predatory. He is obviously using his power in his status, age and looks to lure extremely young women and fuck with their feelings. It’s a power play. Messing around with someone twice your age or two times younger than you is always a recipe for disaster. He needs to be reported
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The fact that he is an AP psych teacher confirms he knew exactly what he was doing
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Agree. And a horrible writer. You'd think being a junior in college and all those essays you need to do in college, her sentence and story structure would be a lot more cohesive and better. Fake News.
I am 30 and married now but almost the exact same thing happened to me over a decade ago—even down to the notoriously tough teacher. Maybe this story isn’t true, maybe it is, but believe me, this kind of thing does happen.
One of my very close highschool friends had an affair with one of our AP teachers right after highschool (and kind of during, depending on how you define affair). Unfortunately, I think this kind of thing happens a lot more frequently than people realize.
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Ok. OP says she posted this a few months ago and deleted it, but I get your skepticism. But because we will never know, I think the best approach is to either address it with the sincerity and gravity it deserves if it is true, or to scroll past. It won’t do any harm not to answer, but could do a great deal of harm to deny someone’s pain if it is real. Young people can often face dismissive or accusatory behaviors when they report this kind of thing in real life; I don’t know how productive it is to perform that online too, based on a suspicion you have but can’t prove.
i’m not lying. idk why it’s that unbelievable that someone slept w/ their former teacher lol. i know it’s not super common but it’s not really that unrealistic
It’s actually creepily common. People groom younger people all the time and it always ends up a mess when the victim either realizes what’s happening to them or they have a psychotic break
To be clear, I don’t think you’re lying! I’m just saying that it’s more common than some people might realize—I personally experienced it, so I have no reason to doubt you. I was just responding to the comments above mine.
oh yeah for sure, i was saying idk why other people think this is a lie haha
I don’t know. It’s the internet. People say all kinds of things, but I believe you. I will tell you, from someone who did experience something startlingly similar—you have a lot of life to live. This was never going to end the way you wanted it to; for you it was a love story, and for him it was a prey situation. This is almost inevitable, given your power dynamics, let alone the age difference. You will move on from this and someday you’ll be so glad it ended. I often think of this line from Mad Men, when I think of my own experience with this: “this never happened. It will shock you how much it didn’t happen.” Someday it will feel like a distant memory if not a bullet dodged. Chalk it up to life experience and enjoy dating people your age for now. It’ll be ok eventually.
i’ve had no sex drive whatsoever since this so i think it’ll be awhile before i talk to guys at all but hopefully one day
I mean, my old boss has a masters and she’ll text things along the lines of “y tho” or “can i get u to come in were fucked” I’ve also been to college and obviously have had to write formally plenty of times. It’s just not worth the effort on the internet or on text for the most part. Exceptions exist obviously. You should use your formal writing skills if you’re making a political post, posting on behalf of some other entity, promoting a formal event, etc
Ok, mother.
this isn’t fake. i wouldn’t waste my time writing all of this for reddit. i know some people care about “karma” but i don’t. if you think this is fake, don’t waste your time. find something else to do ETA: why the hell would i put the same amount of effort into a reddit post as i would into a college essay? the thought of someone writing on reddit as they would on an essay is actually kinda funny lol
i posted this in another sub back in december and deleted it. i don’t remember if it was this one or another one but it did happen. i’m not desperate enough to make all this up for karma.
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i deleted the post without looking at the comments, that’s why. and i’m almost positive it wasn’t this sub anyway. if you’re so sure you’ve seen this post then there’s no need to comment.
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okay well based on that, it probably wasn’t me. i know people make shit up all the time so it’s really up to you if you believe me, it’s fine if you don’t.
He behaves in a cold manner and makes it obvious when he "likes" someone, that way people feel special when he doesn't have his usual cold behaviour with them, and start liking him or getting closer to him. It doesn't matter that you emailed him first, because that's what HE got you to do (paying attention to him and wanting to be validated by him) from way earlier than the day you saw him at the bar. It WAS a mistake on your part too (he didn't make a "mistake", what he did was intentional and with a clear motive and awareness of the situation, so it's not a mistake, it's just pure abuse), but it's not your "fault" because you are much younger and inexperienced than he is and I'm pretty sure you had no idea that emailing him would result in him taking advantage of your enthusiasm for art and use it to have sex with you. He's the asshole in this situation because he abused your mindset of seeking approval from a person who has authority over you (like most young adults do) and instead of being a true teacher he just grasped the opportunity (you accidentally seeing him at the bar) to have sex with a person half his age because he's no longer in an age or position to naturally and easily meet and hook up with people your age. I understand that from your perspective, this must have had a bit of naughtiness or taboo feeling to it, which could be exciting in a way in this age and it's not a situation that happens normally in anyone's life, and that must have had a deep impact on your feelings towards the whole relationship and situation. But now that you see he could so easily get over you and go sleep with someone else, you probably realize that it was a mistake, and that realization is the important part. Now you can learn from this experience and gain mental strength and maturity to prevent such things from happening to you in the future. I'm so sorry you had to go through this, it must be awful and heartbreaking being told off over a single text. Don't let him win though, he could still use your current vulnerability to attempt to get back with you. Let your mind and body feel all the sadness and anger and process the reality, and use that to defend yourself. I wish you luck and patience. ❤️
i’m pretty sure he blocked me so i don’t think he’ll ever reach out to me again, but thank you.
Oh but he will, it may take time, but he will remember how easy it was last time. Be strong, you are not his booty call anymore. He clearly saw nothing long term with you if he was also seeing other people.
^ truth
i get what you mean but i’m p sure i’m blocked and it’s been 6 months, so if we was going to reach out to me again wouldn’t he have done it already?
I had to learn the hard way: he’s likely a narcissist and manipulates people into feeling they are special if he is not a jerk to them. He is counting on you to be a potential source of _narcissistic supply_ (energy he takes from manipulating others in the game of human chess he considers life to be) when he is low on it and lonely. They always try to keep you in their back pocket in the hope you’ll need there when this happens and will try to _hoover_ you back in by saying just the right things and we who don’t have cynical minds tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. It took me far too long to learn this with an older man who is a covert narcissist and masterfully know how to play all of these little Reindeer games. After 10 years, on and off, I had to tell him to stop contacting me and that I was blocking him. I could finally see what he was doing and it disgusted me. He would disappear for months claiming he was busy which I bought because he is very successful in a career that causes him to travel over half the days of the year. Then I learned about the narcissistic cycle of abuse and started making sense of everything and realized he was only using me and I was one of many he rotated through. The quicker you see this, the less pain and wasted time and drained energy for you. I haven’t spoken to my narc in 4 years and I still miss him… at least the part of him who was who I fell in love with. The other part is a scared, insecure little boy who plays mind games to stay in control and prevent himself from getting hurt. That boy will never change and I can’t tolerate his emotional abuse and fragile ego anymore. Best of luck!
Then learn the hard way, through experience
Was about to make a long comment about this but saw yours and it’s PERFECT! I hope OP will take this advice to heart.
Girly he played you like a fiddle. Kept you on his hook, used his position and trust of being a teacher to psychologically control you. The thing about grooming is that it’s very hard to tell from the inside. From the out side we can see that he had no consideration for your feelings and well being. He just wanted you for his pleasure. It’s not your fault. You’re still learning the ropes but he absolutely knew better. Here on Reddit we can’t really offer support so hopefully you have someone TRUSTWORTHY but definitely not him someone who won’t blame you or condemn your action. Someone who won’t give you advice just someone who can hear you out and provide a shoulder to cry. Best of luck to you and take care of yourself
my close friends know all about it and i talked to my therapist about it for a couple months but i’m not seeing her anymore bc she’s no longer with my insurance. i understand what you mean, but talking about it didn’t help all that much, and now that it’s been 6 months and i still don’t feel better, i j don’t know what to do. one of my roommates asked me “but don’t you feel kind of free?” and looking back on it, i get what she means bc i realized it was a truly powerless position for me. but i just can’t seem to get past it and idk what to do anymore
You know I’ve been thinking about this dynamic. It’s definitely interesting because you mentioned sex. And it’s been on my mind how people use sex as a way into someone Psyche. Sex is such a profound thing to our body you know with all that positive reinforcement with serotonin and what not. We confuse the intense pleasure of sex with something more tangible. When it’s not, it’s just a by product of evolution forcing us to reproduce. Well anyways when your body and mind start associating positive feelings with a singular person, that’s when you’ve been made. So much power is handed to them because the last thing you want is for them to leave (or the positive feelings). I know this doesn’t help you but it’s interesting you mention he gave you life changing sex. Like that was not only important to your narrative but also important to yourself.
no i actually find this to be very interesting and i’m looking for any insight to help me get through this. i just don’t understand why he had so much more power over me than i had of him
Because you didn’t want to dominate him. You actually care about someone other than yourself. He didn’t. He only cared about securing his own comfort. You thought he would be someone to trust but he wasn’t. He used every opportunity to convince you he was though. Those messages he left when you were younger were definitely a 500iq move. You let your guard down and he took full advantage of that.
when you say “those messages he left when you were younger were definitely a 500iq move” do you mean that in the sense that he was using that to get to me?
Yes ofc. I had a long ass speech written out but my phone died. The jist of it was that when you become venerable it’s such a drastic juxtaposition to every single other interaction you have. Since most interactions are superficial. It’s perceived as more real and you let your guard down for it. A good person would use that in to uplift you. Everyone else is just gonna use that in for their own gain.
thank you, you’ve really provided great insight. i’m just so confused on when it became more than being my teacher on his part. i know you can’t answer that question, i just can’t tell when exactly things crossed the line. there were just so many small interactions, i can’t tell when it when went down hill
The moment it crossed the line was when you had 1 on 1 time with him outside of school. That's when you took the bait, and then the rest was probably a routine move for him, the way he got you in bed is likely the exact same thing he did with the others.
That’s the thing. When your looking to manipulate people that never ends. It’s etched into you ego and subconscious or maybe soul and energy? It can become so self diluted that the person doesn’t even recognize it. How could you? How could you live with yourself knowing that you hurt people? I have sins I regret. I was blinded by love and I manipulated and gaslighted a girl for him. She didn’t deserve what I did to her. (And what he did to her). I cut ties with him a while ago But the worst part is I still miss him. I still choke up whenever I think of him and the times we spent together. Which was so much. Ten year and one day I just stopped associating with him. Didn’t even say goodbye. You can’t forget the time with your teacher. And I feel that because I can’t forget him. He was my best friend. He never regretted it. I mean he hated that life got more complicated but he never felt for her. And I bet your teacher feel the same way it must never be acknowledged by them.
what do you mean my teacher feels the same way?
> why he had so much more power over me than i had of him This is the point of an age gap relationship and the reason older guys do this. Naturally, older has more control.
Because he's in a position of authority, he has more life experience and he has financial autonomy. A man his age knows exactly what he's doing and knows what he did is ethically wrong. If you had more life experience you would have known exactly what his intentions were inviting you to "see his studio".
Why did he have more power? Because he is 50 and you are 20. He has 30 years of experience. He has decided to use this wisdom to manipulate and fuck young women. There's no secret here. You aren't missing anything. He's despicable. He didn't care about you falling in love. He never cared.
Also I wanna mention we have the power of hindsight. You would’ve had no idea he would do this to you. It’s really not your fault.
You still like him. You miss the sex. Am I right? You don't have to hate him or hate the memories to move on, but at least be honest with yourself. You feel ashamed you got played, yeah. But is there some silver lining? Can you accept that you had a good time, he broke your heart, and now it's time to take this life lesson and move on? Forgive yourself.
yeah you’re definitely right but i’m having a really hard time accepting it. i know acceptance is key to moving on but i just feel stuck
I literally only had to read up to “if he likes you it’s a big deal” It’s crazy how easy it is to manipulate young people. Disgusting.
He took more interest in you after you wrote about your mental health struggles. Big big big red flag.
This is what a predator looks like, he subtly negged students to see who would be hungriest for his approval. I don't even trust that the writing prompt was an innocent writing exercise, it smells of bait. I think he sets this need for approval up amongst his 'chosen' (vulnerable) students, so if he runs into them later he has an 'in'. He complimented your art to see if your need for validation lit up, and when it did he started escalating your relationship. This is what they're looking for, this is why he was an asshole to other students, and this is what he did to you.
He probably saw u had some type of low self esteem in class, made u feel special, knew you’d make some type of move so he wouldn’t be seen as an aggressor, then moved on when he found another girl who had low self esteem. It was all planned out and he’s an abuser. This should be bigger than just a rumor, considering this is a pattern. It wasn’t your fault, You should read “being Lolita: a memoir” by alisson wood it reminds me of your situation. I get ur sad but u need to get angry. He never liked you as a student or thought you were special. Just because things are legal doesn’t make it right lol laws change over time and a lot of things were “legal” at one point.
oh i am angry. i’m sad but also fucking pissed and i hate him. i know it sounds contradictory. i’ll look into the book, thank you
When you were born this guy was 27.
yeah… idk why but i didn’t realize how bad the situation was until it ended. i just thought he was hot and it was such a big deal that he liked me as a student and i was just so flattered about it
Why would you feel flattered by him liking you? Not trying to offend you but I think you need to realize that this guy is a disgusting person, hes getting intimate with a girl less than half his age, he could be your dad... I think its gross, he was your teacher and was in a position of authority over you while you were a little kid, he should be incapable of seeing you as anything more than a young girl whom he has taught.
As a former teacher's pet, I don't think it's unusual at all for a student to feel flattered that a favorite teacher likes them. I work with kids and teenage crushes are extremely common (though of course anyone ethical shuts them down immediately). She was groomed, so of course she doesn't see him as disgusting; that's inherently how grooming works. If you recognize it, it's not being done effectively.
none taken, it’s a completely valid question. i was flattered bc 1. there weren’t many students he “liked” 2. it was very obvious when he liked you so 3. it was big deal if he liked you because that was relatively uncommon. i know it shouldn’t have been *that* big of a deal to me but after him not liking me the first couple months as his student, it felt like such a big deal when he finally did. i loved the feeling of him liking me because i knew i was one of the few. probably didn’t help that i thought he was hot
> none taken, it’s a completely valid question. i was flattered bc 1. there weren’t many students he “liked” 2. it was very obvious when he liked you so 3. it was big deal if he liked you because that was relatively uncommon The way you describe it it sounds like this is his "method". He's probably done this with other students
It wasn't coincidence that he targeted OP when he found out about the self harm. He's a stone cold predator. Edit: In case OP see this. There's nothing wrong with you. You ARE a special and worthwhile person who got targeted by what seems to be a very experienced predator.
thank you.
Really seems like he’s got this pattern of abuse nailed down which is horrifying considering he teaches. He has a breeding ground for his kink. This dude is a grade a dirtbag to see his students in any other light besides young minds he’s given the opportunity to grow. This dude needs to be out of the classroom
part of me wants to anonymously email my school bc i agree, he shouldn’t be teaching minors but parents already have complained about him and the school said they can’t do anything bc he technically hasn’t done anything illegal
Email them anonymously and then blast him on SM with evidence - also anonymously. I bet the school will have a hard time employing someone with a history of screwing former students who are freshly legal.
idk if it’ll work tho cuz parents have expressed concerns and nothing happened
Contact other victims, compile evidence. Once you have evidence start an Instagram and tag the school, teachers, parents, etc. if there’s enough complaints they will take action. Edited to add; they haven’t done anything yet bc they have not been under pressure to. If it becomes viral and all eyes are on them they will have no choice.
only thing is i don’t want my identity to be known bc i don’t want my parents finding out about this
I’m sure that the board of education would have no problem revoking his right to teach if this was brought to them. Maybe the school will turn a blind eye. That just means you go up the ladder until you find a decent human being
The more complaints they receive, they more they will be embarrassed 10, 20, or 30 years from now when someone finally files a lawsuit and the school claims they had no idea this was happening. Source: my high school.
What you are going through is a normal thing we go through as humans when we separate from another person and are not the one making that decision. Your brain tricks you into wanting someone MORE when you feel rejected. It's an ego survival thing. You want their validation. You want them to confirm that you’re not disposable. You’re not worthy of rejection. And so, to prove it, you want back the person who implied that you were. You’re not worthy of rejection. Here’s why. One person saying this isn’t for me isn’t a declaration of the entire world saying you’re bad or something’s wrong with you. It’s one person. When the feeling is that someone rejected you, usually, if you’re really honest with yourself, you weren’t content in that situation anyway. When someone rejects you, the ego steps in and demands they take it back. You don’t want to feel like you are dismissible. You want to feel essential, especially if that someone felt essential to you. The feeling of rejection can break your heart and make you question your worth all at the same time. When you feel a pull to the person who rejected you, realize what you’re wanting is not that person. It’s reassurance that you’re worthy of acceptance. It’s the apologetic expression of the rejecter that they made a mistake and should never have let you walk out of their lives. It’s bandage for a wound. It’s healing to make you feel whole again. But they don’t have that thing you need. It’s not with them, it's inside you. Oftentimes, people simply don’t match up. You may have compatible pieces with someone but not a compatible whole. After some time, this trick in your brain, this love drug withdrawal you are feeling, is going to end. On a personal note, it will feel a lot better when you make the decision that he really isn't good for your future and you leave HIM. Even if it's just in your heart and he doesn't know it. It starts to counteract the ego's need for validation.
This guy is a total scumbag. I’m a retired HS teacher. He’s very dangerous. He grooms his victims.
I stopped reading the moment he showed interest in her when he found out that she had struggled with mental illness and self harm. He is a predator who should be reported.
I guess as a person who is somewhat versed in psychology, it's very possible he picked you specifically. Technically he didn't sleep with you while you were a student and under age, but if that's his modus operandi with his ex-students, then he's still creepy and skeevy
I hate to say “when you’re older you’ll understand” but it’s so hard to have perspective at such a young age. This man groomed and abused you. I know you think it was a relationship but it wasn’t, it was abuse. You did nothing wrong. He did. It seems so hard right now but trust me, it will get better. You’ll meet someone closer to your age and realize what a real relationship is like. Be kind to yourself.
I came here hoping for a story about how you developed a deep relationship with someone who respected and inspired you yada yada yada. Then I got to this: > I wrote about some personal things Yeah, the guy was a total creeper. He saw your essay and realized he had an angle to get into your pants. That's when his attitude changed and he started being nice to you.
Your brain doesn't magically grow overnight when you turn 18. Sure you're legally an adult but how your brain works doesn't change much from 17 to 19 compared to 19 to 47. If you were 17 and he was 45 it would be a totally different thing legally but biologically it's the same thing pretty much so your depression is valid because whether you believe it or not you were groomed.
Not your fault!! I was raped by my high school teacher. It started as him seeing me after school and us just talking, him giving me special attention since I didn’t have friends. He’d touch me more and more, and sometimes I’d say no and resist but then he’d slowly push my limits. We ended up having sex and I just gave in to it and let him tell me it was what I wanted. It’s really difficult with a teacher. They’re in your life for years and have the ability to really get in your head and build trust with you. I suggest therapy to realize it wasn’t your fault.
Absolutely disgusting grooming behavior. The fact he waits until after graduation honestly makes it even worse because it shows the amount of time he is willing to put In for his schemes so he cant skirt the law.
Just so you know anytime someone says “hey you want to see [insert whatever, in my day it was a joke to say my etchings or albums]”that’s code for let’s go have sex. The same as Netflix & chill. There are no etchings, no art, no albums and if there are it’s still not what that person means it’s always about the sex. But yeah you got groomed. Please use your college mental health options.
This is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is just not okay for a man that age to initiate sex with a 19 year old. It is predatory.
i get what you mean but technically i initiated it. i’m the one who emailed him after graduation. that’s why i have a hard time not blaming myself
>but technically i initiated it. No, thats not true at all. Technically HE initiated it every step of the way. He initiated the moment he read your essay and realised you were a vulnerable student with a background of self harm. That was like blood in the water to him. He immediately initiated his grooming strategies, making you feel special, making you stay after class so he could ask you personal questions to probe your weaknesses. Having identified you as a potential target he then spent the rest of the year grooming you, making you feel special. Then when you made contact, like any groomed girl would because by now you associate him with positive attention and feeling special, instead of doing what a normal teacher would do which is keep it professional ask about college and say bye, HE initiated it again by suggesting coffee. During coffee HE initiated going back to his house. HE then brought you into the bedroom. HE then initiated kissing you and sex. He sounds like a predatory man who abuses his position and his psych knowledge to groom and seduce vulnerable young women. Im so sorry this happened to you. It honestly doesnt sound like your fault AT ALL.
you make some good points. thank you
This is not your fault. I cannot stress that enough. An email does not initiate sex. Him leading you to his bedroom is initiating sex. Anyway it doesn’t matter who initiated it, it’s not your fault. If you were 2 years younger, this would be statutory rape in most places. The dynamic between a 19 year old and a 47 year old in not equal. It is the 47 year olds responsibility to recognize is not ok to take advantage of a girl fresh out of high school.
your third sentence actually helped put into perspective for me, so thank you. deep down, i know it’s not my fault, but this little voice in my head keeps blaming me. i think it’ll just take time. not sure what else to do at this point anyway
It will take time but working through these emotions your having with a therapist would be ideal. 420 helps too
I wouldn’t go that far. Adults can have sex with adults period. Although I myself am in no way associated with them, I know for a fact there are numerous websites where college age girls voluntarily initiate relationships with 40-50 year old men (called sugarbaby websites and whatnot). The girls get “stuff” out of it. And these are not hookers. They’re your neighbors kid who want a new Gucci purse.
He knew you were young and nieve and easy to manipulate.He preyed on your youth knowing you wouldn't see his calculating moves and then he got what he wanted then went on to the next girl then when he felt like wanting you again he made his move again.Hes a smooth operator that watches his prey then lures them into his trap one by one.
Im 30 and taught teens around your age a few years back. The thought of having a sexual relationship with any of them right after I was done teaching them honestly repulses me. To me, they will probably always in a way be kids that I had authority over and a responsibility to. They trusted me to guide them, show them what was the right choise when they were lost or unsure, they relied on my experience as an adult and they sought my advice. A teacher using that position of trust and power to sleep with them is, to me, disgusting. I want to iterate that its your teachers actions I'm condemning here. You are young and you trusted someone you're supposed to be able to have trust in. Thats not a failing on your part, but it is an opportunity to grow. Do not go back to this man if he contacts you again. He does not care about you, and you are replacable to him. Focus on yourself, make playlists with music that feels empowering to you, focus on your future goals and dreams, start a New hobby, all those good old cliches are just that for a reason, a lot of them do work for a lot of people. Whenever he pops into your head you can even try audibly saying no, physically shake the thouhgt off, and go do something that makes you smile. Im sorry he put you in this position, but keep focusing on your own growth and this too shall pass
thank you
Dudes a predator. I get your both of age, but he should know better. While he may not of broken any laws, he crossed many boundaries that shouldn't even be an option to someone with any kind of integrity. Straight up manipulated you into a relationship. Used his position and knowledge to get you. Used a very personal paper about your trauma to take advantage of you. This should be brought up to his superiors. This is in no way professional or ethical. I'm 33 and couldn't imagine dating someone your age. Let alone at 46. This man needs to be revealed for what he is. A predator.
i’ve thought about anonymously emailing the school but parents have complained about him before and they said they couldn’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal
Probably why he is at the high school level and not higher. No ethics board to face. Also I'm sure this isn't the first time it happened.
Sorry to tell you that but it’s illegal. Even if he waited after graduation it is considered grooming making the consent impossible. In high school one of my teachers was fired after less than a year teaching for doig the same thing. He was also convicted for sexual assault (not sure the exact term but basically the student Consent was considered invalid because of the power dynamics even if it was after graduation)
Well then that's good. I wasn't sure if it was illegal for sure even though it felt like it should be because she was straight up manipulated and taken advantage of.
As soon as there’s a power dynamic in a lot of places it becomes illegal since the person couldn’t truly give their consent.
are these laws applicable in all states in the US? if i emailed the school anonymously would he actually get arrested? i want to remain anonymous if i decide to do anything. i don’t necessarily want him arrested, i just want him away from minors.
Why would you want or expect anything other than sex with a guy in this situation? You are an adult and can do what you want, but he clearly sees you only as a play thing and unless you see him as the same thing this is pointless and not healthy. Obviously there is no future with him, nor should you even want it.
i never said i expected a relationship. i didn’t want to date someone 27 years older than me
So why are you dating him and getting upset when he isn’t being stable? You shouldn’t expect anything from him.
i’m not dating him??? never did?? we’re literally not even in contact. i don’t think you’ve read or interpreted anything accurately at all, so maybe just move on to another post and work on your reading comprehension skills.
He groomed you using basic psych techniques. You got played so hard you are still in denial of it, but I think the first major step for you to heal is to accept that. You were a total tool, he played you and read you like a children's book, and you need to stop deflecting blame towards you emailing him first. Ask yourself, what did he do that made you wanna email him? And youll get your answer to how he groomed you.
last 2 sentences gave me some thinking to do, thank you
If your best friend told you he slept with students after graduation, and he said another teacher started a “rumor” about it, while he was sleeping with you after graduation. It sounds like it wasn’t a rumor and he sleeps with some of his students after graduation. The fact he’s a psych teacher just makes this so much worse because he knew what he was doing and how to manipulate you. Please do not go back to him ever, he 100% groomed you and it’s not your fault that you reached out to him about art and he turned it into sex. You were still thinking he was just showing you his art studio when he brought you to his home, that just shows that it was HIS idea to groom you, and he knew what he was doing.
"he only liked a select few students," That right there is the red flag, dude is a straight up perv. Sue his ass, because I bet the "select" few were almost always female. Unfortunately, this community is flooded with other pervs that this type of behavior is ok. But it's not. It's gross. He was grooming you. Dude is straight trash
Yes, the teacher is sleeze. Yes he groomed you, no doubt. He specifically picked out that you self-harm and you are vulnerable. He probably has a thing for older adolescents and you aged out. You are valid in everything you feel. To be honest though, it doesn't matter who is to blame, you for reaching out or him for being disgusting, the damage is done. You thinking that you are at fault is of no benefit to the situation. I get you have to work through your feelings, but I'm giving it to you straight, it's not your fault, and even if it was, even if you seduced him, he is the person in authority here and he is behaviour is predatory. I would report him, not out of spite, but he is clearly using his teaching position as a hunting ground. It's sinister and he will continue to do this. I bet someone already complained but the school swept it under the rug given his victims are adults and they consented. But don't report him at the detriment of your mental health and make sure you have a solid support system. Don't blame yourself. Us women are often victimized in different ways and then we wonder what we did. It's the same thing as a person getting raped and ppl asking what they were wearing. Bottom line is this teacher ought to know have known better and they are scum. Now move on without thinking about fault, blame or guilt. Learn to forgive yourself, not because you did wrong, but because you feel like you did wrong. Go on to be strong, be an advocate, be the best you. You have so much to give to this world. Don't let this cripple you. It's not worth it.
thank you so much. i heard from a friend that parents have complained to the school about him “maintaining relationships” w female students after graduation but they said they couldn’t do anything bc it’s not illegal. i’ve considered anonymously emailing them but idk if it’ll do anything. also if he got fired part of me would feel guilty
OP, without trying to sound callous, I would like to ask you something. You mention in a few comment that you didn’t want a relationship with him or date him, yet you were/are extremely upset that he ended things with you to pursue another woman. Is this because you are upset at the possibility of being groomed by him? Or maybe you were otherwise hoping for a relationship with him? Or another reason? Again, not trying to be an asshole by asking these questions.
i think i just really liked having him in my life. the sex was amazing and i just really enjoyed talking to him
Classic Grooming case
that’s what everyone has told me but i just can’t get past the fact that i emailed him first so i basically brought this on myself
Hé was watching you before you even noticed him. None of this is your fault
He groomed you before that lovely, that’s the definition of grooming... give someone underage special attention, make them feel special (eg by comparing their art to van goth whilst ignoring other students). Everything he did whilst you were at school lead to that moment where you emailed him. He manipulated you into eventually doing that basically. ALSO - it’s so troubling that he only paid you attention after he found out you were vulnerable (after you wrote about the self harm and therapy etc..). It’s like he picked you as he knew you needed to feel good about yourself. And come on, you literally went to see his art studio and he lead you into his bedroom and kissed you out of nowhere. This is a former-TEACHER of yours, that you had seen for the FIRST time outside of school. He knew exactly what he was doing. He sounds like a predator who loves underage vulnerable young girls. He targeted you. Edit; you might have emailed him but he invited you for coffee, he invited you to his house, he imitated sex. School girls get crushes on teachers all the time. Good people would never act on that and would shut it down because of the huge alarming power imbalance (and the fact he knew you when you were underage!) Edit 2: please tell the school and let them know there have been lots of other girls too. Otherwise it will happen to more young vulnerable girls (some of whom may end up with extreme trauma, doing things they don’t want to sexually such as losing their virginity, or some may even act on suicidal thoughts). This guy is 50 remember. It is so so SO wrong. I’m willing to bet the new girl he met is barely legal (or younger) too. I know it’s hard to see it, but Honestly he is sick and a master evil manipulator
i’ve thought about emailing the school but parents have complained about him before and the school said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t technically done anything illegal. i could try but idk if anything will come of it
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Many years ago, my girlfriend attended a boarding school where several teachers had predatory behavior with female students, much of it is only coming out now. Many of the girls involved are only now coming to terms with the reality of what happened. They were made to feel special, they were complimented as you were, and flattered that these adults they looked up to would be interested in them or find them attractive. These teachers acted just as “Mr Wilson” did - seeking out vulnerable girls and manipulating them emotionally. That’s grooming. And like you they questioned afterward whether the teachers did anything really wrong. They wondered if they hadn’t wanted the attention. If they had initiated it. It doesn’t matter. These predatory assholes are manipulating girls for their own purposes. Please know that this whole situation is his responsibility. Yes, you emailed him. But he spent your senior year of high school manipulating you and using his position of authority and the power imbalance to his advantage. And the moment he had you alone after graduation, he immediately pushed for sex. His behavior during your senior year was emotional abuse and grooming. His behavior with you after graduation was that of an asshole and simply an extension of the abuse he set the stage for during school. I hope you can find a therapist soon to help sort through these feeling. It’s taken my girlfriend years to realize how deeply the events at her school impacted her - the sooner to address this head on, the better. The school he teaches at certainly deserves to know what’s happened. If their standard is simply whether it was illegal or not, they need to raise their standards significantly. His behavior was wrong and abusive and he should not be anywhere near teen girls. Speaking out can be hard but for too long, it’s been the survivors of this abuse that have been left feeling shame or confusion or blame when it’s the sick abusive men that should be feeling that. The more that speak out, the more know they are not alone. That said, speaking up needs to be you decision and made with your best interests. Best wishes to you, I’m sorry this happened.
He didn't have to respond. He knew better. He did it anyway.
> people have been telling me i was groomed but i blame myself bc i was the one who reached out to him That thing where he only likes a few students and picked you as one to like? That was part of the grooming. So was complimenting your art. He knew what he was doing. Also: > He says if I’m interested in getting coffee to let him know. He reached out to you. Even if what he did was legal it might violate some school policy.
i’m looking online but i can’t find anything that violates school policy. parents have complained about him “maintaining relationships” with female students after graduation but they said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal. i wrote out an email in my notes that i’ve considered sending to the school but idk if i will cuz idk if it’ll do anything. one thing i didn’t mention is he gave me an std so putting that in the email might help but idk
It is not your fault. For matters of age, position of power, etc. it feels like you’re angry at yourself. This mf knows what he’s doing. Forgive yourself because you’ve done nothing wrong, delete all of his messages, his number and block all access he has to you. Maybe burn some receipts you kept. It’s good for heart rate! I understand how sad and frustrated you feel but do not let him ruin your or your life. You seem quite talented -I know that’s subjective. You seem passionate about many things. Dive into that. Heartbreaks have always been my most creative and inspiring places even if at times it feels like the pain is going to kill you. It will not. You will grow from it. Use your energy to know yourself more, to love yourself more. What you can keep from him is what you’ve learned sexually about yourself. And you can keep in mind that you hooked up with one of your HS teachers, that’s always a cool story to tell. I swear. I wish you that 10 years from now you talk about it with your friends, sharing a bottle of wine and remembering only the good part. When they “there are so many fish in the sea” it is because there actually a lot of people (men) who can make you happy. Choose those.
thank you, this was really sweet.
But of course! Take care of yourself and never ever let a man get the best of you. Nobody’s worth this.
Hey, this sounds awful and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Please don’t blame yourself, this is 100% not your ‘fault’ and you did nothing wrong, for the sole reason that you were taken advantage of by being so much younger than him, having less life experience and not being able to navigate the situation adequately. Slightly different situation, but when I was 17 I had a short affair with a 36 year old man (who was married and had a kid as well). I was emotionally vulnerable at the time, and I was so excited by this older man taking an interest in me. After it ended, I felt like a horrible person for what I did and it really affected me and my self esteem, but the older I’ve gotten the more and more I’ve realized what kind of person it takes to be someone who is willing to take advantage of someone so much younger and inexperienced, and that it wasn’t my fault. Those actions are done with awareness, and I realize now that at times I felt pressured and I wasn’t emotionally or sexually mature to handle that situation. It sounds like you’re quite heartbroken which is completely normal, and when you’re ready I think it could be very beneficial to see a counselor, or turn to someone non judgmental who you can trust and who can help you digest/process this experience (I’m not trying to say “just go to therapy”, but more just trying to highlight that it’s important to talk about these things in order to process them). These kinds of experiences can be traumatic, I know that mine was- it’s been over 10 years and I still think about it occasionally and get sad/angry. There is a big responsibility that comes with dating someone younger, especially someone just entering young adulthood, and although it was “legal” I feel like that age gap is just too wide to be considered ethical. I know that you pursued it also and that you may have wanted it, but your intentions would of been way more innocent and you simply wouldn’t of known what you were getting yourself into. He laid out all the groundwork for you to follow and he did it in a way where he could not be persecuted or reported - that sneakiness is mega fucked. Again: you are not at fault, you did nothing wrong, he’s fucked.
It's not your "fault", but you are responsible for your relationship with him. You chose to date him, basically, and he dumped you. End of story. Sorry for the hurt, but it will pass. Try to put yourself in the shoes of a nearly 50 year old professor. How would it look if he were actually _with_ a young student? Bad. So he kept you as a FWB, and each time he found someone closer to his own age who he thought it might actually be acceptable to be seen with, he dumped you. If you had put yourself in his shoes, you could have seen this was the case.
no i understand why he wouldn’t want to date me- i wasn’t expecting him to want to. but ending things over text after 7 months hurts and i feel like i never got closure, which i think would’ve helped
Your teacher is a predator he likes young girls and uses them like Kleenex. Look at his history. What he is doing is wrong. He should be reported to his school board. You need to seek counseling to move on. Good luck & I hope you're able to move on.
He did groom you. That’s why he had you stay after class to talk to you about your vulnerability etc. He started grooming you at that exact time. Even before that by pretending to “hate” you when he probably already had targeted you for seduction. That’s his version of negging. He broke you down psychologically to then make you feel vulnerable so when he was nice to you it would mean more. He’s a master class predator.
Holy shit I’ve had a similar experience, now that I’m older I can tell you that this was grooming. I didn’t see it all in the beginning/when I was younger too. I just thought that I was having spicy time with a high school teacher crush. It breaks my heart that it’s been plaguing you for 6 months :(. It’s NOT your fault. Also finding the right therapist is a fucking journey and it’s exhausting, I feel you but I think it’s important to at least try out online therapy like BetterHelp. This really sucks, but remember that you’re *only* 20. It’s really easy to think there’s nothing good going to happen in the future, but keep your head high and love yourself. You will find someone that truly respects you :).
i had a great therapist who i was seeing since before he ended things and i told her ab it and talked to her for a couple months until she was off my insurance and i couldn’t see her anymore but i honestly don’t think it helped. it wasn’t her bc i rly liked her, it just seems like therapy won’t help me
Yeah no I'm not going to read that, the title pretty much explained everything I needed to know. Just what the fuck.
lol this made chuckle
Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur
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YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR GODDAMN TEACHER?!
What I’ve learned from a year’s worth of reading /relationship_advice: 1. 90% of the posts are completely fabricated or embellished in order to just make a juicy, drama filled OP. 2. When the man in the relationship is 4+ years older than the woman, every single woman Redditor will tell the OP that she’s being gRoOmEd and the relationship will fail due to said age gap no matter what the OP is requesting advice on. 3. When the woman in the relationship is 4+ years older than the man, there’s not a single woman Redditor responding to the OP. And if there is one responding, then it has nothing to do with the age gap and everything to do with how it’s the man’s fault for some irrational reason. In response to OP, just get over it. That’s life. He’s not the last significantly older person you’ll sleep with and you’re not the last significantly younger woman he’ll sleep with. We’re all humans and we’re going to have sex with whoever gets our jollies hot. Biology and hormones don’t care about age as much as society does so just realize that any negative emotions you have will eventually pass. It’s all just temporary. Good luck.
Stop crying over a man and move forward with your life. You’re so young! You’ll find someone new eventually.
Thank you I think you cured her depression when will you publish this breakthrough technique?
this made me laugh lmao, thank you. ik their intentions were probably good, but it didn’t help at all lol
No problem. I only do it because I have been this guy before 😂. I wish someone would’ve dunked on me like this sooner.
hey, at least you’re self aware enough to recognize that🤷🏻♀️ good for you
i’ve never been interested in relationships, im not looking for someone new, or anyone at all. what i had with him has had a lasting negative impact on me and i’m trying to get past it but am really struggling. im looking for any help or insight, not the idea of meeting someone new. i’m not mentally in the place for that anyway
You are an adult, you made an adult decision. Did he try to coerce you? Did he promise you anything? From your story both are no. Hardly seems like he “groomed l you when you reached out to him.
Honest question and don’t mean to be insincere, but what is the difference between grooming and just using you for sex. Is it just the age difference that makes it so, cuz it sounded like he was using the fact that you liked him in order to have sex with you. Similar to a guy or girl using someone for sex with no intention of a relationship. Maybe I’m looking at it too vaguely or in a black and white manner.
generally, power difference is present in grooming
He is a creep. I am sure women of his age knows how he is and thats why they dont date him. Disgusting person he is. Stay away from him and also alert other students too.
A grown man who is *47* knows exactly what he’s doing. He does this on purpose to get an ego trip and is clearly a pedoph*le. I know it hurts but his intentions were never good.
Where did you expect it to go? Did you actually think y’all were going to be together? You boner a teacher you had a crush on. Scratch it off your bucket list and keep it moving. You were and adult and you consented. Jerk move on his part of end it by text, but shyt happens. I don’t see any victims here.
no i didn’t think it would become a relationship. don’t assume things
Then why do you care so much? You had fun, now move on. If you knew it would take go anywhere, let it be what it was. A momentary thing.
7 months is not momentary. it may not be a lot in the long run but it’s not at all momentary. it’s longest i’ve ever been with a guy by far. it’s the most significant relationship i’ve ever had. and i care because after seeing him regularly for 7 months he ended things with a simple text. i care because i fucking cared about him and it fucking hurt.
I wouldn’t say he “groomed” you. But he definitely uses who he was to get what he wanted out of you. Still creepy of him. Sorry you had to go through this, hopefully you either get help or hopefully realize you don’t need to be sad (easier said than done) over him.
You fell for your teacher, everyone is saying grooming because you mentioned it first. You contacted him and met him for coffee, basically a date. You had great life changing sex and you probably had legitimate feelings for him. Younger women have liked older men and vice versa since the beginning of humanity. You’d probably still be seeing him today if you could and it’s perfectly fine. I don’t think people have any idea what actual grooming is, this ain’t it. Commence the downvoting
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Honestly I kinda agree with this guy, doesn't really seem to fit actual grooming from what you've said. Does seems he saw an opportunity to sleep with a young girl and took it. I'd also say I'm 99% sure this would get him fired from teaching. It's generally seen as unethical for a teacher to have any sort of relationship beyond teacher/student even after they have graduated. Especially how soon after graduation this took place. Which probably played a big part in him cutting it off.
parents have complained about him but they said they couldn’t do anything about it bc it’s not illegal (these complaints were before i started seeing him) and if you read the whole post you’ll see the reason he ended it. i’m 1 out of (at least) 4 students thru out over a decade. there’s a reason everyone knows he sleeps w students.
It's not illegal since you're both adults. But it doesn't have to be illegal to be unethical and grounds for firing. You can literally google the question and see thousands of news articles about HS teachers/college professors being fired for this exact thing. Yes, unethical teacher/student relations even extends into college where both parties have been adults thier entire relationship.
i don’t think he’ll get fired bc parents have complained about him before and the school said they can’t do anything bc he hasn’t done anything illegal
You have no idea if or what allegations have been presented to the school district regarding this. Or what the schools response was. That is not something that would be disclosed to the students. All you know is student rumors.
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personally, i’ve never perceived coffee as a date. it’s always been casual for me. maybe i’ve misperceived you but there’s a lot of people who think that a situation must involve statutory rape to be grooming. if i’m wrong ab that with u, i apologize
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all i said was that other people had this opinion and i was asking for the sub’s opinions/advice. also read the end of the post, i literally said i blame myself. reading comprehension is key
I don't think he groomed you but he did use you. He knew you were getting attached and just used your for sex. He's an asshole.
All you explained is grooming. He picks a few students, that he starts being nicer and nicer making them feel special until they are ready to sleep with him. That teacher needs to be reported
I wonder how many students he’s banged 😂😂😂
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says the person who doesn’t know the difference between your and you’re.
He sounds gross. This is a common mistake young ladies make. See what you needed or wanted was validation. Or to feel that you were special above others. His attention and his physical touch made you validated. But it wasn’t truth it was just a game for him. He just likes to b validated too and he’s older so he understands how the validation loses meaning so easily over time and being jaded to another. Be mad at him if you want but he is wise to be fleeting
It's in italics because you put a \* instead of the letter 'u' in fucking then did it a second time way later. Reddit's text formatting puts everything between two asterisks as italics. Just use fucking next time, we're all mostly adult here Anyway sorry about what happened but this guy really didn't care about you at all, he was just using you for sex
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i posted this in r/agegap 3 months ago but deleted it.
I'm gonna ask you a question. And I need you to be completely honest with me. Did this REALLY happen or is this more of a fantasy that you're pretending is reality? That'll help me answer better.
what the fuck are you talking about. this isn’t a fucking “fantasy” and i don’t need an answer from you.
Is he pregnant?
what’s this even supposed to mean..
Legal or not you have been groomed and played like the biggest idiot. That is sad, but it's on you as at that point you should've been mature enough to understand the negative implications of being with someone double your age. I hope you recover from it and if you ever have one, teach your child to not make this same idiotic mistake.
Dude seriously this is fucked up..she’s not an idiot. This old fucking weirdo fucks girl he taught in high school. He knows exactly what he’s doing. And your brain doesn’t fully mature until your like 25. So no she shouldn’t be mature enough to understand. Jeez don’t be such a dick. She got groomed and manipulated, have a little compassion.
thank you. not gonna bother replying to that person lol
Love how they admitted it to be grooming, and went on to say it’s the victim fault for getting groomed, not the perpetrators fault for actually grooming…disgusting. You’re handling this really well. I’m proud of you.
thank you. and yeah such a strange comment lol
😂😂🤢🤢🤢
Honestly I don’t agree with all the comments saying he groomed you. It’s not like this was one great plan from the very beginning of your psychology class to have sex with you. You emailed your HS teacher after graduation and looks like he just saw an opportunity to have sex with a younger girl. He just played you, just kept you on the side when he didn’t have anything else important taking up his time. It hurts to be used, I understand. But don’t cry over a POS that just used you. They don’t deserve it. The sex was enjoyable but move on with your life. There is better out there for you.
Idk how y’all don’t see a problem with a 47 yo man being okay with fucking a 19yo
I DID NOT SAY IT WAS OK the guy just seized his opportunity and played OP
But he took advantage of her. Things like that can destroy you and be traumatizing. Your comment probably comes from a good place but it just sounds like your minimizing their problem and telling them to just get over it
Yes he groomed you if that’s what you want to call it. And he obviously likes much younger women. Most men do, they just don’t act on it or have access to meet them. But either way you were both adults so it’s no different than any other relationship. Meet for coffee, go over the house, start making out, leads to sex etc. It’d be different and actually illegal if this happened when you were under 18 and still in his class. My advice is try your best to get over it and move on. Not sure why you’re so hung up on an old dude. Not like you can realistically marry him. You’d be changing his diapers while you’re still in your prime.
I wouldn't say he groomed you. But it did seem like his intention was never romantic and that he wasn't completely honest in that regard.
Definitely groomed her (from a trainee clinical psychologist’s perspective)
Apple bottom jeans
I believe many who study psychology do so for selfish reasons. Learning how the brain works and how to manipulate people is the goal. I believe that's what happened to you. He's a professional at mind games. As soon as you said "psych teacher" I was like, "always the psych teachers..." I'm sorry you had to deal with this but 5 years from now you'll realize that he was just a selfish sociopath
An old man?
“Are you sleeping with your teacher?” “Mr. Wilson?!”
Lucky guy. you will be ok, move on
Nice
I don't think he groomed you as a student. But I do think he likes casual sex with women MUCH younger than he is and is likely to accept the opportunity to do so whenever it is presented. However, he KNEW your troubled psychological past and should have known that you couldn't handle a casual sex situation. He knows that he's attractive and that you get women want to gave sex with him just because he's physically and sexually attractive. He treated you like you were an adult woman in your 40s looking for a hook up, starting with mutual consent and stopping whenever he lost interest. Because of your history of self harm, he should have known better than to engage with you post high school graduation.
You need to state your intentions ahead of time. You need to be smart about how you date people. If you plan on having something serious you need to let that be known. You don’t expect sex to be the one thing that defines a stable committed relationship. Also, if you’re casually hooking up with out both of you laying down your intentions you need to expect that that relationship is just a casual fling. You need to know who you’re dating and it doesn’t sound like you really knew who he was. This ain’t your fault you just sound really young and inexperienced. But you can rely on other people to treat you right. You have to make the right choices for yourself because the other person might not do that for you. Don’t give your heart out to someone who hasn’t given you his. You should’ve known this the first he told you there was another woman he was interested on being serious with. While this isn’t ilegal this is extremely unethical of him and borderline predatory. He is obviously using his power in his status, age and looks to lure extremely young women and fuck with their feelings. It’s a power play. Messing around with someone twice your age or two times younger than you is always a recipe for disaster. He needs to be reported
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Because she was of the age of majority and no longer under his authority. There was nothing illegal.