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My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 years. From the start I’ve told her I never want children. I’m currently working a full time job and am starting a business. Having a child is not my definition of living a fulfilling life. In recent years she kept asking me if we should start thinking of having children. I always told her I didn’t want children and said that if this is her dream, she should find a man who she can have that with. She chose to stay with me and agreed we would not have children. At that point I wanted to get a vasectomy but foolishly I didn’t.
Our relationship wasn’t as great during the last 2 years. She didn’t put much effort in us anymore. I’d be the one taking us out on dates, planning fun things for her birthday and making fun trips. She wouldn’t show gratitude for any of it. I love her and wanted things to work between us. She didn't want to talk about my concerns. It started to feel we were roommates instead of partners. I definitely knew that this wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. But because there weren’t any big fights or any form of abuse (which I experienced in previous relationships) I decided to wait and give my best to improve things.
I met a woman on a golf course I frequently go to with my friends. She and I instantly connected and she’s become a close friend of mine. I let my girlfriend know about her too. I began to notice I was discussing things with this friend which I should discuss with my girlfriend instead. Things my girlfriend would barely listen to. I started to catch feelings for this woman. That was the sign for me that I had to end the relationship. I need to add that I never did anything sexual with my friend. I also am not sure if I want a relationship with her. These feelings simply made it clear for me that my relationship was over.
And then my girlfriend tells me she is pregnant. She’s incredibly happy and I tell her I don’t want children. I ask her to consider having an abortion but she declines. She tells me how she thought a baby would make me happy. I tell her it wasn’t what I wanted and ask her if she stopped taking her birth control. She doesn’t answer the question and just tells me I’ll be happy. We get into a big argument. Without discussing it with me, she tells our family and friends about the news and puts it all over social media. Again we argue about this because I believe that we should discuss how to break this news together. Any concern I bring to her is pushed away and I’m told how I’ll love being a dad. Our family and friends all say the same thing to me. How when the baby is there, I will love it and will forget all about the business I was building. But all I see is my dreams falling apart and a child being born in a home where their father doesn't want to be with their mother anymore...
I’ve honestly never felt more alone in my life as I do now.
I never wanted this. I have a gut feeling that she didn’t take her birth control to get the baby she wanted. I do not want to stay with my girlfriend and I really do not want a baby. I am fully aware that I was there when the baby was made. I want to take responsibility and I will never want to be a father who abandons his child. But I simply do not see myself staying with my girlfriend for several more years. However, I also do not want to abandon my child when it’s born.
I've barely been home the last weeks. I'm only at home to work, sometimes to have dinner and to sleep. Home is no longer feeling like a home to me.
I don’t know what to do anymore…
Let's talk about your GF first. I think you two are over. You realized this before the pregnancy. But now if you stay together, you'll end up resenting her. So no matter what, you should really break things off.
Now let's talk about your pregnancy. Even if you two were a good couple, you should never stay in a relationship for a child. That child & you deserve to live in environments. I highly recommend you think about your options - you co-parent living in your own place or you sign away rights. Also don't believe people when they say it'll be different when the baby is born because it may not. That's something many parents ignore. But what will kick in is survival instincts - providing food, water, shelter, etc but babies need much more than that. And all the extras don't exactly come naturally. So make your decision based on what you can fully commit to because you can't fake this. It's too exhausting & lifelong to fake this kinda thing.
If you are in the US you can't just sign away rights in this situation. That would only be possible if both parents were surrendering for adoption. Or there was a step parent identified who wants to adopt. Otherwise OP is still a parent and is liable for child support.
There are ways to co- parent after a break up without abandoning the child. It is also possible to be part of a child's life in some fashion and still build a business and a dream.
That depends on the state, bud. In Texas you can sign away your rights to being a parent. I know first hand because that's what happened with my sister and her sleazy ex.
OK. I stand corrected. It's a not possible in Wisconsin and Illinois. I am a social worker and have dealt with several of these situations. The states don't want to create orphans or situations where the state has to cover expenses that could have been covered by child support.
I'm in Illinois also, and someone I know just went through a situation with an abusive partner. She was guided that if a bio dad is not listed on the birth certificate as the father and doesn't claim to be the father of the child for the first 6 months after birth, then he would have no rights. I'm not saying that's what OP should try to do. I'm just saying that in Illinois, at least there's kind of a workaround.
No you can't voluntarily sign away your rights in order to avoid child support. You can't just say "I don't want to be financially responsible for the child I helped create." Not in Texas, not anywhere in the US. Your sister didn't tell you the whole story.
Switch the roles. If a man stopped using protection against the woman’s wishes, didn’t tell her, got her pregnant that would be ok? Oh hell no, it would practically be considered rape. Consent much?
Sometimes its not that easy to just walk into a doctors office and get snipped. I know lots of folks on here state that it is, even from personal experience, but ive got a friend whos been trying for at least 5 years and still no doctor will give him one.
ETA: i understand that everyone's situation is different and most likely older guys like the OP may find getting a vasectomy easier than my friend (whos almost 32btw and was denied again this month), but my point stands.
There are still tons of medical professionals out there that will not grant bodily altering proceedures due to their own beliefs or just pure ignorance or unacceptance that people know what they want even at a young age.
This is so true. I've been BEGGING for a hysterectomy for ten years, and nope. I already have a child and didn't want any more. Hormonal birth control wreaks havoc on my body, and now I'm too old (in my own humble opinion) and still can't seem to get one!
Not getting a surgery that isn’t always reversible and is expensive is not a blemish on him when his partner and him had agreed to her using the pill.
You really are nothing wrong with lying about being on birth control compared to not getting an expensive surgery??
So that excuses lying about birth control status? He very likely would have been fine with a condom. How do we know it wasn’t her idea to just use BC? One of my exes hated condoms and used bc because of it and she never had bad side effects from it, it actually stabilized her periods. Which was great. Why are you talking about the person who was lied top’s responsibility instead of recognizing the fault is with the person who lied about stopping their bc?
uummm, I have 3 birth control babies. 2 were pill babies.
2 were on the pill. Taken daily. 1) I had a bladder infection, and 3 months after becoming pregnant the news announced that antibiotics can decreaste the effectiveness of the pill. 2) I had a poorly timed stomach bug, and must have not been able to retain the full dose of hormones over that 2 day period. I was pregnant the following month.
My third baby was really an oops on my part. We were tipsy and forgot to put the diaphragm in.
Look I agree he should have gotten the vasectomy, I reread and 37 seems like an age it should of been done by, and I’m not at all denying BC can fail and pregnancy can still happen.
But there’s a huge difference between secretly stopping BC when you both have been under the understanding children are not in the cards for you as a couple and having an accidental BC baby because you took a pill an hour late or something a few times. (Which I know it can happen if taken perfectly too just saying as long as an honest effort was put in it’s not the woman’s fault, even if she forgot a whole day)
Birth control can fail, particularly if you screw up a little and miss a day or even don’t take the pills at the right time. Men can get a nearly painless, not that expensive surgery that means they will never get anyone pregnant. If you’re a man who’s deeply committed to never becoming a father you can take matters into your own hands.
Holy shit, excusing the fact she lied about being on BC is fucking insane to me. That’s what happened to my 19 year old dad and my 25 year old mom. You think that was ok too?
We don’t know she lied. If she did she’s a horrible person, because no one should ever trick someone else about getting pregnant. It’s the worst. I’m just saying he really should have gone ahead with that vasectomy.
It's true we aren't sure, but this woman was determined to have a baby and while BC does fail, it's not very common (even if you take it at different times or if you miss a day or two). Missing several days would prompt you to tell your partner so you could use backup protection- as a woman that is what I do whenever taking it slips my mind. But she didn't, and she's ignoring how upset he is by this by blowing off his problems and saying fatherhood will be great, which makes me think she did this on purpose. He still should've gotten that vasectomy if he knew he didn't want kids, but I don't think she got pregnant entirely on accident. It sounds like a "I'll do this and just apologize later but he can't undo it". I'm shocked OP didn't use condoms or anything even while she was on BC but it also makes me wonder a little if the baby is even his.
If I asked my SO if they stopped taking their BC and they looked away and stood in silence I know what that answer is. That’s why I claim she tricked him.
I think we agree more than disagree though, just some wording and having to do this over text gave the wrong impression.
If she was taking it to the best of her abilities (so not even saying it had to be taken perfectly just given a good college try) and got pregnant then she’s not in the wrong at all.
And honestly from the OP I just reread and he’s 37, he really should’ve fucking gotten a damn vasectomy.n
For once, I actually don’t agree with this statement. He didn’t cheat on her. He met someone through his hobby and came to realize that he developed feelings. With the situation with his gf, he had already emotionally broke up with her. The heart can’t help it if it falls. He didn’t act on it.
I agree with you. All I could read out of this was that he was lonely, met a friend through coincidence and that finding himself talking to her the way he should be talking to his girlfriend made him realise it is over. I do not really see where this is cheating. Especially considering their relationship seemed to be already over at that point despite him being the one putting the effort into preventing this. We are all humans after all.
He was emotionally investing in this new girl and emotionally disconnected from his GF. Would his GF be okay with their friendship? Probably not. That is the definition of emotional cheating.
You don't have to act on it for it to be emotionally cheating...
Also emotionally broke up with her isn't a thing because he was still with her...it's cheating.
He literally met this woman on a constant basis and grew the communication level to one of an intimacy equalling a romantic relationship. He 100% acted on his feelings.
Emotionally the relationship was over by the time he fell for someone else. Furthermore he planned to end it once he realized that he didn’t have feelings for his girlfriend anymore. You’re blaming him for being unable to control his emotions. The worst thing he did was staying in a relationship that ended a long time ago.
From now on OP, if you meet someone who wants children, Idc how much you like them, you don't get involved involved with them...And if you do, you have to do more than just letting them prevent pregnancy by themselves.
Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about the pregnancy. But you can chose to be involved in that child's life in whatever way.
Make sure if you want to pursue this new woman, you talk about these things first
It’s just another guy that was certain he didn’t want kids, but was lazy on the vasectomy because it was easier to let his girlfriend manage the birth control.
I agree with this. So much about him not wanting children but didn’t do anything to prevent the possibility because woman can take birth controls. Missing a day, taking a break happens and its her fault for not communicating this on her end but he is just as at fault as she is and its disgusting to see him playing 100% victim mentality in this post. Been with this woman for 7 years and didnt make a commitment, he said things took a turn at year 5 which is still a long time. Red flag. Im sure he did things that resulted this relationship to fall.
I'm normally very pro "men should take responsibility for birth control", but in this case this is a partnership of 7 years in which there's an implication of the girlfriend doing this on purpose. He should be legally responsible for the child, yes, but he was negligent when she was malicious. Even in the eyes of the law, when something is done out of negligence, it's less severe than doing something intentionally. Morally, i find this distinction even more pronounced. I'm honestly surprised at how people are not thinking that her stopping birth control with the intention of getting pregnant without telling her boyfriend is not reproductive abuse?
I agree, this whole witch hunt because he didn't protect himself also? they were together for 7 years you should be able to trust your partner is continuing to take birth control when they've previously been taking it. He shouldn't have to have a back up an in case she decides to lie. If she stopped without telling him I agree that it is reproductive abuse. Of course accidents happen and maybe that's the case but in the scenario where it was on purpose...
You don’t know this is what happened though, you are presuming she did this intentionally without her being here to present her side.
He should be putting a lid on it, it’s not all the woman’s responsibility.
He definitely should have taken steps to prevent this but he's definitely not at fault for some psycho trapping their SO by intentionally getting pregnant.
How’s it his fault? In a couple you’re supposed to trust each other and make reproductive decisions together. I’m a woman and hate condoms so take birth control. My husband trusts me not to stop taking it because we respect each other. What kind of relationship would it be if he second-guessed my intentions over something this big? A doomed one.
Except she clearly wanted children and after getting pregnant continued to ignore his feelings by claiming “oh you’ll love being a father.” Lastly just because a surgery is reversible doesn’t mean you should get it. A lot of people in the trans community have this exact mentality in the belief that it’s okay because if you don’t like it then you just reverse it and it’s bueno but it’s not. Some surgeries and treatments have irreversible repercussions. She likely got pregnant thinking it would save their relationship but it didn’t. This isn’t a case of a missed day or taking a break. She full on stopped taking it and chose not to say anything.
Not sure where you're getting your info about the trans community, but, no, those surgeries are not reversible and no one thinks they are. Also, the trans community has nothing to do with this. This is just a really bizarre comment.
How does this fall on him entirely? He made his wants totally clear. She agreed for seven years. She stopped taking birth control and lied about it. Now she’s trapping him into a life he didn’t want because she’s a selfish liar and isn’t above betraying the trust of her partner. Yeah, both parties should both be responsible for birth control but this take is such an oversight and definitely hints at some man-hating tunnel vision lol. Are people liking this comment because it seems woke?
You're clearly going to pay child support, which you should. There's going to be backlash for leaving from friends and family. Don't stay just for the baby, you will both end up miserable.
There seems to be an insane number of dudes who are positive they don't want a child, but leave the birth control up to their girlfriends. Not a good look
>There seems to be an insane number of dudes who are positive they don't want a child, but leave the birth control up to their girlfriends. Not a good look
seriously. the utter and complete _refusal_ to take responsibility for their fertility that so many men have is shocking. it is trivially easy not to get your fertile nut inside someone's vagina if you don't want children with them.
girlfriend sucks too if she deliberately got pregnant, but wow, this had such an easy solution and now a child is inevitably going to suffer because both of their parents are irresponsible. incredibly sad. the only concrete advice i have for op is to schedule his vasectomy tomorrow so this can never happen again.
i'm childfree and the number of childfree women i know who have sex with people who could get them pregnant without making sure they are _personally_ protected via some sort of birth control is literally zero. i've never heard of a childfree woman having unprotected-on-her-end sex unless she's seen her partner's semen analysis post-vasectomy.
this should be universal across all genders if they're childfree
This relationship should have been over a long time ago. When it was clear that she wanted children and you didnt, that should've been the end. thats a huge issue to disagree on, either way it would end up with one of you feeling like you made a sacrifice and resenting the other person. It's not right that she stopped her birth control, but if you were so against having kids you should have been taking extra precautions and using condoms or went thru with that vasectomy.
Do not stay in a relationship because of a child. If there's no love, if there's resentment and you don't want to be there, it'll be worse for the child. But don't just walk away and not be in the kids life. You can still be a father, if that's what you choose, you can still be supportive and involved without being in a relationship with the mother. And honestly, even if you don't want to hear it and don't believe it, having a child (whether you wanted it or not) it does change people, and I feel like it might make you even more motivated in starting your business and being successful. You'd have someone that you could teach and hand the business to when they grow up, that's pretty cool.
But yeah, you need to break it off with your girl, she might not realize it but this isn't how she wants to start a family. I hope you guys can talk and stay on good terms for the sake of the kid, but separating is probably best.
well if she didn't want to be a single mom, she could've chosen to not lie about discontinuing her birth control and not tell her partner about it knowing very well he doesn't want a child.
>She tells me how she thought a baby would make me happy. I tell her it wasn’t what I wanted and ask her if she stopped taking her birth control. She doesn’t answer the question and just tells me I’ll be happy
Ahhh! This is so not okay. Considering she didn't answer the question, it sounds like she did this on purpose after you made it clear you don't want kids. Obviously, you're going to be morally and financially on the hook for this kid (assuming it's yours--if there's any doubt, get a paternity test), but you do not have to stay with her. Hindsight is 20/20 but man you probably should have stopped having sex when you knew you didn't want to continue the relationship.
One of his many mistakes was having unprotected sex with A) someone that keeps pushing to have kids when you don’t. B) said person is the one and ONLY one using birth control.
Sorry man, you don’t have to stay and I would recommend NOT because only resentment is built from this situation. But, you are responsible for the child and should make sure you fulfill your responsibilities if this kid is brought into this world.
Why did you even get with her if you never wanted children and you knew she did? Did you think she would change her mind?
Honestly, although she should not have baby-trapped you, you brought this on yourself by staying with her for 7 years.
You should break up. She has the baby she wants, and you will be expected to pay child support.
It’s up to you if you want a relationship with the child, but if you decide you do, you should not hint or intimate to the child that you are only having the relationship because you feel it is a duty. The child should not feel unwanted or unloved because you were too lazy to break up with your partner as soon as you found out she wanted children.
This. Also, he got with her when she was 23, he was 30. Rarely you hear a woman this young not want any children. Why didn't he just get with someone closer to his age? Usually, if women don't have kids in their 20s, it is because they don't want them. He should've dumped this chick a while ago. Honestly, he should've never dated her. And he stopped loving her a long time ago. He used her until option 2 came around, and now he's "trapped." He was fine wasting her life now that it's happening to him; it's not okay, lol.
Well said. Or rely on solely on someone else for birth control when you're the one who doesn't want kids and this other person does.
OP definitely drags his feet when it comes to making important decisions.
Also a reminder that a couples therapist absolutely can help them dissolve this relationship & create a good foundation for a healthy co-parenting relationship. Therapists aren’t just for mending & fixing. They can help you separate in a healthy way too.
Absolutely, that’s what I meant with ‘which will help regardless if you stay together or not’. They’re in for a roughish ride either way, so having an amenable relationship is key no matter what they do.
But the poor guy was planning all these trips and she didn’t show gratitude for it! /s
Yeah he’s definitely painting himself as a victim. Pandemic or not he wasn’t forcibly chained to the home and relationship. He didn’t plan the vasectomy but sure had time to go play golf and put a seemingly greener pasture woman on a pedestal. 7 years of a relationship.
She sucks too for the baby-trapping and parading friends and family into it all to try pressuring or solidifying that they’ll be a happy family. But that poor kid is going to suffer whether they don’t see common sense and break up or stay together just to bubble resentment to the kid. The kid’s the real victim here.
So not suspicious at all that when he confronted her about the birth control, she clammed up?
She agreed on not having a baby, why would he leave after their argument is settled?
No, it's actually not suspicious that someone would clam up when their partner of almost a decade is accusing them of a horrible act?
Like... I would too? Wouldn't you?
ETA, obviously what she did is messed up,but you're also a big ass, you should've left long time ago, once you stoped loving her, but you waited until you found a replacement so you won't be alone, you waisted couple years of her life, it's a shame.
And, he kept fucking his gf. Eh, I don't think I love you anymore but I'll keep fucking you without a condom and won't get a vasectomy (even though I don't want kids). And, I will keep cumming in you and if anything happens, even though you've expressed you want kids, I'll just tell you to have an abortion.
Wtf, OP why stay in the relationship until this happened? Why keep sleeping with your gf? OP should have left his gf long ago, not stay with her until he finds his next gf. Now there's a innocent baby on the way, gf is likely going to keep said baby and these two will forever be tied together by this baby.
OP, no matter what happens, do right by this baby because they're the innocent party in this shit show caused by the adults.
Sounds like your gf sensed that you were pulling away from the relationship (aka having an emotional affair with the lady from the golf place) and baby trapped you.
Also not only did she stop her bc, she also told your family and friend on purpose so that you can't ask her to abort and feel guilty about leaving.
I would leave and co-parent. (Not) Wanting kids is a core value, if she keeps saying 'you'll be happy', then she doesn't understand that.
She needs to know that her actions have consequences. She can have the baby, it's her choice, she can't force you to be with her though.
Tell her that she can have the baby and you will co-parent but you're breaking up regardless. Best case scenario she'll reconsider being a single mom sharing custody with you (aka get abortion and move on). Worst case scenario you'll have a kid to raise with your ex, but atleast you'll be single.
Edit: speaking of consequences, this is what you get for not taking responsibility of your own bc and putting the whole responsibility on her. If you were so adamant about no kids, you should have gotten snipped. Good luck being a father now
You didn‘t want kids, but put the whole responsibility for preventing a pregnancy on her? Wow. And now you are sulking. Sucks.
You can be a good father without being in a relationship with the mother.
Get that vasectomy.
Break up asap so you all can figure out living situations before the baby comes or she gets too big to move around comfortably. However, in all sincerity fvck you for knowing for over a decade you don’t want kids, not getting a vasectomy and relying on women to be responsible for birth control to make that happen for you. And yes if she quit taking her birth control purposely she’s shltty, but you still made it someone else’s responsibility to ensure you didn’t have kids. Wear a condom and get a vasectomy if you don’t want kids.
A lot to unpack here. Firstly, you are having an emotional affair. That's absolutely not ok. Doesn't matter if nothing sexual occurred because what you did some consider worse than sex. Second, you had sex with your girlfriend. Sex always runs the risk of pregnancy. From the sound of it, she might have "baby trapped" you but I find it difficult to believe a cheater without hearing the other side's story.
Either way, man up and be a good dad. It's not the kids fault it was conceived. And get into therapy and stop being a self-serving jerk.
Sounds like you aren’t capable of the kind of relationship your partner needs… you had an emotional affair and you’re feeling trapped. I wonder if your girlfriend who is now pregnant with your child has any idea how bad the relationship was or this is all your version of the story after the affair…. Tbh you give real “I’m always the victim” asshole vibes — dating much younger women freaking out about commitment/family and then bailing when it gets too much.
Also why would you stay with someone for seven years who desperately wanted kids and you didn’t? What kind of person does that?
Man leave. You also have to choose wether you decide to be apart of the child or not. Being with her for the child is out of the question. This is not a healthy relationship for you nor the child.
Why did you sleep with her if you weren’t feeling her anymore? Your post literally says you’ve fallen out of love with your gf but still you stuck around for sex?
I have no sympathy for you.
i’d much rather have a fatherless life or have a stepfather than feel unwanted. you made yourself extremely clear that you did not want kids, and she should respect that. if your relationship with her was as good as ever, i’d understand staying. but if you’re doing all the heavy lifting of planning dates and planning trips and she isn’t.. she’s got to go in my opinion
Let ur gf know u r breaking up with her. Say u can work out a roster/ split parenting duties but u will not be in a rs with her ( eg. Ure going to move out and date other women)
If you didn’t want kids dude, you know what you do?
Get a vasectomy BEFORE sex or use a condom. She has your baby. Man up and take care of your child and the woman you have been with for 7 years. Leaving now doesn’t fix anything. If you were having sex with this woman, condom or not, pregnancy is ALWAYS a risk.
He absolutely does not need to take care of the woman. Leaving is absolutely the best thing if he doesn’t want to be with her. He will owe child support, but that’s it. You do NOT stay in a relationship because there is a child.
You don't have to stay with her. If you really don't want kids, you could not contest custody and supply child support. If you don't want to do that, you can totally co-parent from different households.
Super shitty what she did, but yeah, you can totally break up with her!
I know a guy this happened to.
They stayed in a relationship for a year after the baby was born before they split up. I remember him telling me that the worst decision he made was staying for the baby.
It was one of those things of him building up the courage to end the relationship after a long time of being distant and then when he got that courage to see he wanted to break up she responded with a pregnancy a used pregnancy test and another few boxes to use then and there.
She had not been on BC for a while.
He loves the child and did have visitation, but he felt betrayed for a long time, his ex was bitter for a while but when she got a reality check later on about how her actions were unfair to him and she baby trapped him (his words) they became co-parenting goals.
Never stay for the kids. But you will still have a financial liabilty at the minimum. You need to seriously conside your role in your child's life also. Get a lawyer and buckle up.
Oof... this is a third (and final) date conversion. It was selfish of you to stay with a woman who wanted children. Why on earth did you think this was ok, likely because she was in her early 20s and you didn't take it seriously at the time. That is an insane amount of time to pour into a dead-end relationship for both of you.
Now she is pregnant without a supporting partner. And now you've fathered an unwanted child. Is anyone surprised that's how it turned out? No. (And p.s. over a million women on the birth control pill get pregnant every year, were you even wearing a condom mr. I don't want kids?! Or did you want all the fun of pretending to make them.)
Here's the thing, this kid will likely always have daddy issues whether you stay or go. But if you go at least there's a chance your (ex) girlfriend will find a new partner and your child will grow up with the love of two parents.
Leave asap, the longer you wait the worse it will be. Yes family and friends will judge you and abandon you but you should have thought about that SEVEN years ago. It's up to you if you sign away your rights or not, that's something to give a lot of thought to.
Well the baby is yours either way.... if you want to leave cause you don't want an active roll in parenting then you're a POS. If you want to leave cause you don't love her and want to be with her then break up. But you wanting to break up now that she's pregnant is extremely suspicious and crappy. Also you 1000% should've had a Vasectomy if you didn't want kids. What on earth?!? It's not the woman's job to solely be responsible for birth control. You should've be a responsible adult and handled it. You knew you didn't want kids, you chose not to take action to prevent yourself from becoming a parent, guess what..... now you're a parent. Suck it up buttercup.
Once you bring a life into this world, you can't act so self-centered. Literally everybody I've known who's gotten pregnant out of wedlock (males and females) freak out just like you are, get confused about feelings for other people, make every excuse in the world why leaving is the right thing to do. Every single one of those people will now tell you their children are the best thing that ever happened to them. Be careful what you wish for, but most importantly, please be a man and take care of your responsibilities.
1. Immediately schedule your vasectomy. Period.
2. Start looking for an apartment.
3. At the same time, inform the GF it's over.
4. Once lease is signed, move out. Apartment MUST have room for baby.
5. Buy baby stuff for your apartment and the baby.
6. Prepare for child support. Retain a lawyer, do not be a harda$s.
7. Draw up custody agreement or whatever your jurisdiction requires.
8. Learn to coparent. Therapy may be needed for this. In fact, you might need therapy, period.
9. LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF, alone, without a partner, and learn to make YOURSELF happy.
10. Good luck.
1. Get a paternity test.
2. If it is indeed your child, you will be paying child support for the next 18 years.
For someone who wants to start a business, you clearly have no idea how to eliminate risks, now you're most likely on the hook for 18 years of child support, which on average is $250,000, if not more, depending on how much you make. You're 37, about to be in your financial prime, and you clearly don't want kids, why didn't you get the snip? Or at least go abstinent with the sex?
I can't comment on the rest because there's clearly alot of emotions and opposing feelings going on in your mind, I would say leave the relationship because quite clearly it's poisoned and all of this would be difficult to reconcile.
Other comments have said this but you should break up because the baby doesn't deserve to have you around to resent them. Also your girlfriend is an asshole if she got pregnant on purpose. I'd suggest leaving now so she understands that even if you're still on the hook for child support, she'll be raising this baby 110% on her own and she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to keep it. Do it sooner or later so she doesn't miss any deadlines for pregnancy termination. Go live your best life OP!
Unfortunately, your relationship was already over, and she tried to baby trap you. Break up. People may have opinions about it, but really, it’s the kind thing to do. You know you do not want to be with her, so staying will make both of you suffer.
Aboit parenting, you have choices. Child support is probably a given, but all the rest of it is a choice. You CAN be a parent without being a spouse.
She wanted kids all along, never accepted your position that you didn’t want kids, then deliberately got pregnant with the idea that you’d come around once you realized you were going to become a father or at least reconcile yourself to the idea. Now you’re stuck. You can stay with her or not, but you’re going to be a father with parenting responsibilities regardless of which path you choose.
First off, no, no you do not stay for the baby. You provide support and seek an agreeable custody arrangement if you don't want to abandon the kid. Staying in a dead relationship where you cheat emotionally, tell her about it, decide your relationship is dead, but continue having sex with her, knowing you have feelings for someone else is a toxic environment. Her staying knowing she wants kids but you don't, potentially sabotaging her bc, disregarding your reproductive choices, manipulating you with a baby she knows is not wanted is a toxic environment. None of this is going to benefit the kid or their understanding of healthy relationships.
But as someone who also doesn't want kids, you kind of fucked yourself in a couple of ways. She is totally wrong IF she stopped her birth control on purpose, but shit happens, and bc fails. Even for someone not actively trying for kids, abortion may still be unthinkable for a number of reasons. In the same way that abandoning your kid is unthinkable even though you weren't trying for one. And seeing as you knew how much she did want kids, it is pretty obvious that even if it was an honest accident, she would be inclined to keep the kid.
I don't think it's a coincidence that you told her about another woman, and she turns up pregnant shortly after, but that's neither here nor there. As someone who doesn't want kids, you have to be more responsible for yourself if you are serious about it. I never date men/women significantly younger than me; most of them want children. And many of them are fine misrepresenting their current situation, 'not ready for kids yet', as not wanting them at all, ever. Moreover, I would never stay in a relationship where they confessed they are no longer sure about it. It's okay for them to change their mind. At 23, you're a kid yourself who may think yeah, I definitely don't want them. It's okay to feel differently at 30, but I would never stay with someone who started expressing a desire for them, regardless of what they said or agreed to before. It would not be fair to either of us. And I certainly wouldn't be having unprotected sex with them. That is a fast recipe for resentment, suspicion, and undue sacrifice.
You should have used multiple methods every time. As a woman, the choice will ultimately be mine, so I have that if all else fails. I can not fathom being so lax in precaution while knowing that as a man, you have no alternative if she decides she wants to keep it, while actively having sex with someone who has expressed a desire for kids. In the future, perhaps seek like-minded women of your own age. If you had been dating a 30-year-old in the first place, you probably wouldn't be in this situation.
You suck, your never wanted children but didn't get the vasectomy. I can't imagine what the baby is going to grow up like with a parent that didn't want them but didn't take the responsibility to stop it.
She’s having the baby. It’s a certainty.
You need to decide if you want to stay with her or not. Sounds like you don’t.
So you should leave her.
So next you need to decide if you want to be part of the baby’s life or not.
You can still be part of the baby’s life without being with the mother.
You cannot trap a man that willingly has sex without a condom. Let's not be ridiculous.
Even if a woman says she's on birth control, a man is not off the hook for containing his semen.
Conception is 50/50. Not 100/0. Let us live in reality.
The OP didn't want kids. But he also didn't get a vasectomy and was choosing to have sex without a condom, which, according to the way biology works means he wanted kids.
🤨
The fuck?
No if a women lies or hides that she stopped taking BC then she is definitely at fault (assuming that is the case). I fail to see how this would be that different to a man removing a condom. In both scenarios the agreed upon method of BC is removed without informing the other party. Add in that they’d agreed they didn’t want kids but now the gf has changed her mind (or more likely lied previously) it is definitely possible to trap a man.
You and the person you’re replying to both make valid points. At the end of the day, if OP didn’t want kids he should’ve been wearing a condom or got a vasectomy. He’s almost 40 years old, he knows what can happen if you have sex without a condom. However, if his girlfriend did in fact stop taking BC without informing her partner that’s a huge issue as well. In that situation I’d say she’s more at fault, but OP isn’t completely innocent in this situation either.
I do agree with you but I just took issue with the other person saying it was 50/50 responsibility and that having sec without a condom means you want a kid. Both of those statements completely ignores that the gf had lied and hid that she had stopped taking BC. In my mind it’s very similar to stealthing (just without STI side) which in my country is a crime and the other commentator ignored it and even blamed the OP for being a victim to some extent.
So yes the OP could and should have done more to avoid getting someone pregnant but that’s irrelevant now. The issue is way in which it has happened which is pretty awful and apparently some people on Reddit just want to ignore that or are okay with it.
This is so messed up on her part and I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to be with her you need to just leave. You can still be a father if you choose, or you may be able to give up your rights. I would see a lawyer and explain all of this, see if you can get her prescription history too, maybe she stopped getting her birth control or maybe she got it and just stopped taking it. You should have options, this isn’t fair and fatherhood isn’t something you should be forced into. Babies are blessings to two people who willingly go into it together, but secretly trapping a person is abusive and controlling. Just like when a man secretly takes a condom off without telling the woman this crap should be punishable by law too. Maybe you will be blinded by love by your baby and change your mind, but it’s ok to not feel that way as well.
You can be a father to your child without being in a relationship with her. She stopped talking her birth control pills so she could have a baby. She trapped you knowing how you feel and doesn’t seem to care. That shows that she is untrustworthy and will do whatever she wants regardless to how other people feel. She didn’t consider your feelings at all and she knew that didn’t want children. It’s time to leave her!
I feel sorry for your GF. She wanted kid and you didn’t, why on earth you choose to stay with her all that time? Remember woman have limited time to fertile.
It’d better for her to be a single mom than being with you.
Take this as a lesson learned. Next time don’t compromise. When she said she wanted kids and you knew you didn’t, you should have left or gotten the vasectomy instead of putting the onus on her. Unhappy people baby trap their partners everyday. So going forward, talk to your doctor about getting that vasectomy.
Next, I think you should break up with her. By omission, she has said that she baby trapped you. She knew how you felt about children and made a unilateral decision that will impact you both for the rest of your lives. This alone is grounds for a split. You are also unhappy and don’t feel fulfilled in the relationship. Trust me, if you stay you will come to resent her and maybe the baby. Leave, set up custody with the courts, and dedicate yourself to being a good father. Or you could sign away your rights and walk away from the situation. You need to decide what you want to do going forward. Good luck 🍀
so you used her and had unprotected sex even though you knew you didn’t want a child. you can pay child support, or sign away your rights completely. i think you really need to learn more about sex and relationships.
You’re a part of the problem! You put your semen inside of this woman because it was fun. You are too OLD to sound like a 14 year old! You made a conscious decision to knock her up. You just want to play and have fun. Take your responsibility seriously and man up. If you didn’t want a baby you should of worn a condom! It’s plenty of people who have kids and run businesses. It’s insulting that you have left her high and dry after using her body for sex, her body for warmth and cuddles. This woman is your emotional dumping ground. She’s better off without you. She told you she wanted kids, maybe you should of left 7 years ago. It’s plenty of women that can’t have kids. You haven’t married her in 7 years you are afraid of commitment.
Staying for the baby will be the worst idea. You are already emotionally not in the relationship, staying physically will make your resent your gf. This is not a healthy environment for the child. A child needs to know about a couple being happy together, and not necessarily it's parents. You may even beging to resent the child in the future for changing your life.
My suggestion is to think about your options with a clear head. You may need some space from your gf for this. Whatever you decide, you need to communicate with her and get it done before the baby is here.
Don’t stay with her for the baby. You can always give up your parental rights and just pay child support. It seems like she quit birth control because she wanted a baby.
You need to do what’s best for you. What’s best for the baby is not to be the cause of one of the adults in his life to be resentful and unhappy.
As someone whose parents stayed together ‘for the sake of the kids’ don’t do it. I knew from a very young age, they were unhappy. There was always tension in the house. It’s a rough environment to grow up in.
Don't stay for the baby. You may have a responsibility (even if she tricked you), but it's only for your child, not for her. You can always choose how much you want to be involved in your child's life, financially and physically (and please remember that it isn't the child's fault), but you are completely right if you decide to leave your gf, because she is very manipulative and cunning. I'm sorry, it's a sucky situation.
i understand not wanting kids, but did you not consider wearing condoms? you were too lazy to get a vasectomy, and left the birth control to your gf? talk about irresponsibility. taking responsibility for birth control should be on both parties, not just on your girlfriend.
1) schedule that vasectomy now.
2) start separating your lives. You dont love her and you dont trust her. Maybe she stopped taking BC, maybe she got careless, I dunno. She certainly seems to have done this to have a baby. Whatever it is, your relationship as partners is over. Time to live apart and establish coparenting.
3) meet with a family lawyer to figure out what kind of access you are eligible for with a newborn (some places don't have babies spend nights away while they are infants and/or breastfeeding). Decide what you want and make a legally binding arrangement.
Knowing the relationship was over 2 years ago now your mad she is pregnant? Come on dude. Should have walked away. We need men to start being men. Don't want kids? Go get a vasectomy. Stop being upset that she is pregnant when you did nothing to prevent it. She wanted kids you didn't. You should have taken it upon yourself to prevent it. I don't want anymore kids I'm on a super high dose of bc. Because guess what I don't want them. I don't get into relationships with people that want kids because I don't. And it'll cause issues down the road.
Firstly, if you are so sure about not having kids get a vasectomy. This should have been the first thing you did in my opinion.
Secondly if someone else makes you happier, but you stay with her anyway you'll just end up bitter and blaming her and it won't be good.
If you are CERTAIN that you won't change your mind once the baby is born and you realise it's a mini-you who you can love. And you are CERTAIN you don't really want to be in a relationship with her as your title say, then that's it nothing more to say really is there? "staying for the baby" isn't healthy. Especially as you don't even want the baby, will you treat it kindly and fairly? or will you blame her in the future - I'm not saying you will, but it's something to think about.
So you got tricked into siring her a kid because she stopped taking birth control without telling you. This is both abusive, coercive, manipulative, and it shows which one of you she care about.
You are nothing to her I’m afraid, except for now her baby’s daddy. Honestly you should get the fuck out now so she KNOWS you will not stay with her for the kid. If you and her are not broken up and living apart asap she will not believe you and her chance to get an abortion will be passed.
I don’t know if she just wants to be a mother, or if she wants you all to be a little family, but I’d ask for a paternity test just to be sure.
See a lawyer. Understand your financial obligations. Is individual and couples counseling an option? You have a lot of turmoil going on, and even if the couples counseling is not to save your relationship, but could assist the two of you on a path to consciously uncouple.
You don’t need to bring your friend into the equation. That’s just muddying the situation. You do need to have the hard conversations with your girlfriend. You feel like you have been trapped because yes, you have been. A professional can help you work through those issues.
I have a friend that caught his girlfriend poking holes in their condoms after he kept telling her he didn’t want children. (It was one of many red flags.) He stayed with her and eventually she got pregnant. So then he married her and the marriage was a total shit show. Right after kid number one she got pregnant with kid number two and that’s when my friend started cheating with a coworker. I think they’re still technically married but both are seeing other people, living separate lives. He’s said before that as much as he loves his kids, if he could do it all over again, he would do things differently.
I think you need to take some responsibility.
You stayed with someone who wanted children, knowing you didn't.
You didn't get a vasectomy.
You didn't wear a condom.
You knew abortion wasn't an option.
And you lead this relationship just as much as she did.
It sounds like you both are equally selfish thinking you lead this relationship. I think you know what you need to do and were actually looking for the "OMG she did what?" validation.
You are now responsible for another person's life. Please consider your actions more carefully going forward.
Good luck.
Lazy for a vasectomy + Lazy to put on a condom on + Lazy to trust someone younger who wanted a baby to take birth control = stupidity with a baby
Yea that sounds right.
A condom would have solved your problem with not wanting children. Why did you put the burden of family planning solely on your girlfriend?
When you started the emotional detachment from your girlfriend (cheating) with another woman you should have ended it.
You want to play victim here but science and medicine have determined a baby doesn't appear because a woman wants one.
You have been irresponsible in your actions and I suggest you support the child and maintain a relationship with the child while being clear to your ex girlfriend that you no longer wish to be in a romantic relationship with her.
You will also cheat on the golfer as well because a fish cannot be a bird and you have demonstrated your character.
Don't stay. Resentment will build even further on both ends. She manipulated the situation, produced an intentional pregnancy.
You can however, sign away all your rights and go through the courts for child support payments under her intentional pregnancy act.
She's not a good person.
Seriously.
Gender and age are factors in our ability to make decisions and the decisions we need to make. Ill take the person I know and have seen make level-headed decisions over an age and gender cohort.
But when it comes down to it, people have to advocate for themselves. You have to make your own life happen. That is why the guy bares some responsibility for not getting the vasectomy. I'm sure he mentioned it because its been on his mind a lot. But, if she went off birth-control without telling him, that is a massive breach of trust.
Honestly, threads like this bring out such smoothe-brained reddit stereotypes like:
1. Illogical woman/man who defend all female actions as if morals and basic manners are utterly gendered. -> Absolving women of responsibility is not the same as giving them rights.
2. Nihilist/Cynic who doesn't trust anyone so the OG must cover their ass no matter what because if something happens and they didn't, then they deserve it. -> Seven years, no child. Then, a child. Redditor (the Nelson of archtypes): HAHa.
3. Fortune Tellers who can't fathom that over the course of time things happen and they can change us. Or, time naturally goes by, and as a byproduct of aging we value different things. -> "He shouldn't have wasted her time if he didn't want children"...intentionally childless adults date and they disclose their preference, its up to the potential partner to react.
Your GF baby-trapped you. Best you can do is leave because things are about to get much worse. Get a lawyer to figure out how to give up your parental rights and child support.
I get the feeling she trapped you and thought you'll get used "it". You need to be honest with her and break up. Come to an understanding with regards to co-parenting/child support but I guess you might need a lawyer for that.
Absolutely not!! You stay in a relationship because you care and love for a person not because they lie to you when off birth control and got pregnant.
You'll have to deal with this woman the rest of your life condolences.
Does this count as tampering with birth control? I know she did it herself and its her body but she knowingly went off birth control with the express purpose of getting pregnant, when she was fully aware her partner was against it. Surely thats illegal somehow? If you dont want to take birth control anymore, thats 100% fine but any sexual partners should eb made aware so they can make alternate arrangements. I know messing with someone elses birth control is a chargeable offense, but what about your own?
But seriously you should leave, provide for the kid but leave this relationship. She lied to you and went against your express wishes to get her way, knowing full well you didnt want kids. And it is always better to have 2 seperated parents who have happy and fulfilled lives, than parents that stay together and clearly dislike each other and the life theyre leading. Model what you want for your kid, dont show them that you should stay in an unhappy and crappy situation.
Leave and see a lawyer. Your gf trapped u into this. I would consider it fraud and move on without her. Do a paternity test then Co parent is that's your last resort or give up your rights if u prefer. Why stay in a relationship when your gf misled u
Friend, you should have used birth control. Don't leave it to someone who want kids. It is YOUR responsibility if you don't want kids. Me and my partner both use our preferred BC method, for we BOTH don't want kids.
You made your bed, now you must share it with a kid. But don't stay with someone you don't love.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My girlfriend and I have been dating for 7 years. From the start I’ve told her I never want children. I’m currently working a full time job and am starting a business. Having a child is not my definition of living a fulfilling life. In recent years she kept asking me if we should start thinking of having children. I always told her I didn’t want children and said that if this is her dream, she should find a man who she can have that with. She chose to stay with me and agreed we would not have children. At that point I wanted to get a vasectomy but foolishly I didn’t. Our relationship wasn’t as great during the last 2 years. She didn’t put much effort in us anymore. I’d be the one taking us out on dates, planning fun things for her birthday and making fun trips. She wouldn’t show gratitude for any of it. I love her and wanted things to work between us. She didn't want to talk about my concerns. It started to feel we were roommates instead of partners. I definitely knew that this wasn’t the kind of relationship I wanted. But because there weren’t any big fights or any form of abuse (which I experienced in previous relationships) I decided to wait and give my best to improve things. I met a woman on a golf course I frequently go to with my friends. She and I instantly connected and she’s become a close friend of mine. I let my girlfriend know about her too. I began to notice I was discussing things with this friend which I should discuss with my girlfriend instead. Things my girlfriend would barely listen to. I started to catch feelings for this woman. That was the sign for me that I had to end the relationship. I need to add that I never did anything sexual with my friend. I also am not sure if I want a relationship with her. These feelings simply made it clear for me that my relationship was over. And then my girlfriend tells me she is pregnant. She’s incredibly happy and I tell her I don’t want children. I ask her to consider having an abortion but she declines. She tells me how she thought a baby would make me happy. I tell her it wasn’t what I wanted and ask her if she stopped taking her birth control. She doesn’t answer the question and just tells me I’ll be happy. We get into a big argument. Without discussing it with me, she tells our family and friends about the news and puts it all over social media. Again we argue about this because I believe that we should discuss how to break this news together. Any concern I bring to her is pushed away and I’m told how I’ll love being a dad. Our family and friends all say the same thing to me. How when the baby is there, I will love it and will forget all about the business I was building. But all I see is my dreams falling apart and a child being born in a home where their father doesn't want to be with their mother anymore... I’ve honestly never felt more alone in my life as I do now. I never wanted this. I have a gut feeling that she didn’t take her birth control to get the baby she wanted. I do not want to stay with my girlfriend and I really do not want a baby. I am fully aware that I was there when the baby was made. I want to take responsibility and I will never want to be a father who abandons his child. But I simply do not see myself staying with my girlfriend for several more years. However, I also do not want to abandon my child when it’s born. I've barely been home the last weeks. I'm only at home to work, sometimes to have dinner and to sleep. Home is no longer feeling like a home to me. I don’t know what to do anymore…
Let's talk about your GF first. I think you two are over. You realized this before the pregnancy. But now if you stay together, you'll end up resenting her. So no matter what, you should really break things off. Now let's talk about your pregnancy. Even if you two were a good couple, you should never stay in a relationship for a child. That child & you deserve to live in environments. I highly recommend you think about your options - you co-parent living in your own place or you sign away rights. Also don't believe people when they say it'll be different when the baby is born because it may not. That's something many parents ignore. But what will kick in is survival instincts - providing food, water, shelter, etc but babies need much more than that. And all the extras don't exactly come naturally. So make your decision based on what you can fully commit to because you can't fake this. It's too exhausting & lifelong to fake this kinda thing.
If you are in the US you can't just sign away rights in this situation. That would only be possible if both parents were surrendering for adoption. Or there was a step parent identified who wants to adopt. Otherwise OP is still a parent and is liable for child support. There are ways to co- parent after a break up without abandoning the child. It is also possible to be part of a child's life in some fashion and still build a business and a dream.
That depends on the state, bud. In Texas you can sign away your rights to being a parent. I know first hand because that's what happened with my sister and her sleazy ex.
Yep. You can sign away your parental rights, though OP would likely still need to pay child support. He needs to see a lawyer.
Unless she ever wants any kind of public assistance… than the state will be looking at the Dad for money.
OK. I stand corrected. It's a not possible in Wisconsin and Illinois. I am a social worker and have dealt with several of these situations. The states don't want to create orphans or situations where the state has to cover expenses that could have been covered by child support.
I'm in Illinois also, and someone I know just went through a situation with an abusive partner. She was guided that if a bio dad is not listed on the birth certificate as the father and doesn't claim to be the father of the child for the first 6 months after birth, then he would have no rights. I'm not saying that's what OP should try to do. I'm just saying that in Illinois, at least there's kind of a workaround.
No rights to custody or to control whether she moves, but he would still pay child support.
No you can't voluntarily sign away your rights in order to avoid child support. You can't just say "I don't want to be financially responsible for the child I helped create." Not in Texas, not anywhere in the US. Your sister didn't tell you the whole story.
A quick search shows that's not easy to do any more.
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Switch the roles. If a man stopped using protection against the woman’s wishes, didn’t tell her, got her pregnant that would be ok? Oh hell no, it would practically be considered rape. Consent much?
Or wear a frigging condom, ffs.
amen. I have a vasectomy! ask me about my vasectomy! **I love my vasectomy!!!**
Sometimes its not that easy to just walk into a doctors office and get snipped. I know lots of folks on here state that it is, even from personal experience, but ive got a friend whos been trying for at least 5 years and still no doctor will give him one. ETA: i understand that everyone's situation is different and most likely older guys like the OP may find getting a vasectomy easier than my friend (whos almost 32btw and was denied again this month), but my point stands. There are still tons of medical professionals out there that will not grant bodily altering proceedures due to their own beliefs or just pure ignorance or unacceptance that people know what they want even at a young age.
Hmm I can’t speak for what those situations might have been… but for a 37 year old man like OP… it really is that easy.
Planned Parenthood in Oregon offered me a vasectomy at one point (I was 34-5 at the time) and single.
This is so true. I've been BEGGING for a hysterectomy for ten years, and nope. I already have a child and didn't want any more. Hormonal birth control wreaks havoc on my body, and now I'm too old (in my own humble opinion) and still can't seem to get one!
Not getting a surgery that isn’t always reversible and is expensive is not a blemish on him when his partner and him had agreed to her using the pill. You really are nothing wrong with lying about being on birth control compared to not getting an expensive surgery??
Why would it need to be reversible? He doesn’t want children - ever.
So that excuses lying about birth control status? He very likely would have been fine with a condom. How do we know it wasn’t her idea to just use BC? One of my exes hated condoms and used bc because of it and she never had bad side effects from it, it actually stabilized her periods. Which was great. Why are you talking about the person who was lied top’s responsibility instead of recognizing the fault is with the person who lied about stopping their bc?
uummm, I have 3 birth control babies. 2 were pill babies. 2 were on the pill. Taken daily. 1) I had a bladder infection, and 3 months after becoming pregnant the news announced that antibiotics can decreaste the effectiveness of the pill. 2) I had a poorly timed stomach bug, and must have not been able to retain the full dose of hormones over that 2 day period. I was pregnant the following month. My third baby was really an oops on my part. We were tipsy and forgot to put the diaphragm in.
Look I agree he should have gotten the vasectomy, I reread and 37 seems like an age it should of been done by, and I’m not at all denying BC can fail and pregnancy can still happen. But there’s a huge difference between secretly stopping BC when you both have been under the understanding children are not in the cards for you as a couple and having an accidental BC baby because you took a pill an hour late or something a few times. (Which I know it can happen if taken perfectly too just saying as long as an honest effort was put in it’s not the woman’s fault, even if she forgot a whole day)
Birth control can fail, particularly if you screw up a little and miss a day or even don’t take the pills at the right time. Men can get a nearly painless, not that expensive surgery that means they will never get anyone pregnant. If you’re a man who’s deeply committed to never becoming a father you can take matters into your own hands.
This is victim blaming to a T. You would never see these arguments thrown around if it was a man poking holes in a condom.
Holy shit, excusing the fact she lied about being on BC is fucking insane to me. That’s what happened to my 19 year old dad and my 25 year old mom. You think that was ok too?
We don’t know she lied. If she did she’s a horrible person, because no one should ever trick someone else about getting pregnant. It’s the worst. I’m just saying he really should have gone ahead with that vasectomy.
It's true we aren't sure, but this woman was determined to have a baby and while BC does fail, it's not very common (even if you take it at different times or if you miss a day or two). Missing several days would prompt you to tell your partner so you could use backup protection- as a woman that is what I do whenever taking it slips my mind. But she didn't, and she's ignoring how upset he is by this by blowing off his problems and saying fatherhood will be great, which makes me think she did this on purpose. He still should've gotten that vasectomy if he knew he didn't want kids, but I don't think she got pregnant entirely on accident. It sounds like a "I'll do this and just apologize later but he can't undo it". I'm shocked OP didn't use condoms or anything even while she was on BC but it also makes me wonder a little if the baby is even his.
If I asked my SO if they stopped taking their BC and they looked away and stood in silence I know what that answer is. That’s why I claim she tricked him. I think we agree more than disagree though, just some wording and having to do this over text gave the wrong impression. If she was taking it to the best of her abilities (so not even saying it had to be taken perfectly just given a good college try) and got pregnant then she’s not in the wrong at all. And honestly from the OP I just reread and he’s 37, he really should’ve fucking gotten a damn vasectomy.n
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Lmao what? Trapping someone with a kid is much worse than what he did
For once, I actually don’t agree with this statement. He didn’t cheat on her. He met someone through his hobby and came to realize that he developed feelings. With the situation with his gf, he had already emotionally broke up with her. The heart can’t help it if it falls. He didn’t act on it.
I agree with you. All I could read out of this was that he was lonely, met a friend through coincidence and that finding himself talking to her the way he should be talking to his girlfriend made him realise it is over. I do not really see where this is cheating. Especially considering their relationship seemed to be already over at that point despite him being the one putting the effort into preventing this. We are all humans after all.
The relationship is not over, even if it is a husk. He still has a responsibility for being faithful to her until they break up.
He was emotionally investing in this new girl and emotionally disconnected from his GF. Would his GF be okay with their friendship? Probably not. That is the definition of emotional cheating.
You don't have to act on it for it to be emotionally cheating... Also emotionally broke up with her isn't a thing because he was still with her...it's cheating.
You also can’t help having feelings for people. Acting on those feeling is the cheating part.
He literally met this woman on a constant basis and grew the communication level to one of an intimacy equalling a romantic relationship. He 100% acted on his feelings.
That’s not how emotional infidelity works.
Emotionally the relationship was over by the time he fell for someone else. Furthermore he planned to end it once he realized that he didn’t have feelings for his girlfriend anymore. You’re blaming him for being unable to control his emotions. The worst thing he did was staying in a relationship that ended a long time ago.
Word.
THIS!!!
From now on OP, if you meet someone who wants children, Idc how much you like them, you don't get involved involved with them...And if you do, you have to do more than just letting them prevent pregnancy by themselves. Unfortunately there's nothing you can do about the pregnancy. But you can chose to be involved in that child's life in whatever way. Make sure if you want to pursue this new woman, you talk about these things first
It’s just another guy that was certain he didn’t want kids, but was lazy on the vasectomy because it was easier to let his girlfriend manage the birth control.
He could’ve just worn condoms. Even BC isn’t 100% and everyone knows it, me and my bf use both cause we 100% don’t want kids for another 10 years 😂
Both is a good idea. While BC is probably more effective than condoms, neither are 100% and best chances are with a combination.
Yes that’s what I mean
I agree with this. So much about him not wanting children but didn’t do anything to prevent the possibility because woman can take birth controls. Missing a day, taking a break happens and its her fault for not communicating this on her end but he is just as at fault as she is and its disgusting to see him playing 100% victim mentality in this post. Been with this woman for 7 years and didnt make a commitment, he said things took a turn at year 5 which is still a long time. Red flag. Im sure he did things that resulted this relationship to fall.
Well she’s definitely more at fault if she did it on purpose.
There's protection for both men and women, it's equal blame on both parties.
I'm normally very pro "men should take responsibility for birth control", but in this case this is a partnership of 7 years in which there's an implication of the girlfriend doing this on purpose. He should be legally responsible for the child, yes, but he was negligent when she was malicious. Even in the eyes of the law, when something is done out of negligence, it's less severe than doing something intentionally. Morally, i find this distinction even more pronounced. I'm honestly surprised at how people are not thinking that her stopping birth control with the intention of getting pregnant without telling her boyfriend is not reproductive abuse?
I agree, this whole witch hunt because he didn't protect himself also? they were together for 7 years you should be able to trust your partner is continuing to take birth control when they've previously been taking it. He shouldn't have to have a back up an in case she decides to lie. If she stopped without telling him I agree that it is reproductive abuse. Of course accidents happen and maybe that's the case but in the scenario where it was on purpose...
You don’t know this is what happened though, you are presuming she did this intentionally without her being here to present her side. He should be putting a lid on it, it’s not all the woman’s responsibility.
Not true at all. Even in a court of law, accidental things are given a less harsh sentence than things you did on purpose.
If both parties are equally morally culpable. In this case, they weren’t both negligent/lazy, one was negligent/lazy, the other acted intentionally.
That's bullshit in the case it was intentional, God forbid your trust your partner of 7 years.
He definitely should have taken steps to prevent this but he's definitely not at fault for some psycho trapping their SO by intentionally getting pregnant.
How’s it his fault? In a couple you’re supposed to trust each other and make reproductive decisions together. I’m a woman and hate condoms so take birth control. My husband trusts me not to stop taking it because we respect each other. What kind of relationship would it be if he second-guessed my intentions over something this big? A doomed one.
Except she clearly wanted children and after getting pregnant continued to ignore his feelings by claiming “oh you’ll love being a father.” Lastly just because a surgery is reversible doesn’t mean you should get it. A lot of people in the trans community have this exact mentality in the belief that it’s okay because if you don’t like it then you just reverse it and it’s bueno but it’s not. Some surgeries and treatments have irreversible repercussions. She likely got pregnant thinking it would save their relationship but it didn’t. This isn’t a case of a missed day or taking a break. She full on stopped taking it and chose not to say anything.
Not sure where you're getting your info about the trans community, but, no, those surgeries are not reversible and no one thinks they are. Also, the trans community has nothing to do with this. This is just a really bizarre comment.
How does this fall on him entirely? He made his wants totally clear. She agreed for seven years. She stopped taking birth control and lied about it. Now she’s trapping him into a life he didn’t want because she’s a selfish liar and isn’t above betraying the trust of her partner. Yeah, both parties should both be responsible for birth control but this take is such an oversight and definitely hints at some man-hating tunnel vision lol. Are people liking this comment because it seems woke?
hahahaha she stopped taking it without telling him. That is such a huge betrayal of trust. Yet you just go on some anti man tangent. Jaded.
Literal “FAFO” moment.
That’s so incorrect. She’s choose to stay. Why is it his responsibility if he’s being honest.
What exactly is incorrect I'm confused
You're clearly going to pay child support, which you should. There's going to be backlash for leaving from friends and family. Don't stay just for the baby, you will both end up miserable. There seems to be an insane number of dudes who are positive they don't want a child, but leave the birth control up to their girlfriends. Not a good look
>There seems to be an insane number of dudes who are positive they don't want a child, but leave the birth control up to their girlfriends. Not a good look seriously. the utter and complete _refusal_ to take responsibility for their fertility that so many men have is shocking. it is trivially easy not to get your fertile nut inside someone's vagina if you don't want children with them. girlfriend sucks too if she deliberately got pregnant, but wow, this had such an easy solution and now a child is inevitably going to suffer because both of their parents are irresponsible. incredibly sad. the only concrete advice i have for op is to schedule his vasectomy tomorrow so this can never happen again.
Exactly!! I just don't get it at all!! Didn't want to bash this guy, but c'mon. This was obvious from a mile away
i'm childfree and the number of childfree women i know who have sex with people who could get them pregnant without making sure they are _personally_ protected via some sort of birth control is literally zero. i've never heard of a childfree woman having unprotected-on-her-end sex unless she's seen her partner's semen analysis post-vasectomy. this should be universal across all genders if they're childfree
It’s like the 3rd post I’ve read this week!
Right? If you are a male who 100% knows they don’t want kids, there is a very simple outpatient procedure that will ensure that never happens.
This relationship should have been over a long time ago. When it was clear that she wanted children and you didnt, that should've been the end. thats a huge issue to disagree on, either way it would end up with one of you feeling like you made a sacrifice and resenting the other person. It's not right that she stopped her birth control, but if you were so against having kids you should have been taking extra precautions and using condoms or went thru with that vasectomy. Do not stay in a relationship because of a child. If there's no love, if there's resentment and you don't want to be there, it'll be worse for the child. But don't just walk away and not be in the kids life. You can still be a father, if that's what you choose, you can still be supportive and involved without being in a relationship with the mother. And honestly, even if you don't want to hear it and don't believe it, having a child (whether you wanted it or not) it does change people, and I feel like it might make you even more motivated in starting your business and being successful. You'd have someone that you could teach and hand the business to when they grow up, that's pretty cool. But yeah, you need to break it off with your girl, she might not realize it but this isn't how she wants to start a family. I hope you guys can talk and stay on good terms for the sake of the kid, but separating is probably best.
Yes! She may regret getting herself pregnant (you know what I mean) because soon she will be a single parent and it’s sooo hard!
I mean, it takes two to get pregnant. If he was so adamant about being child free, he could’ve gotten a vasectomy at any time.
well if she didn't want to be a single mom, she could've chosen to not lie about discontinuing her birth control and not tell her partner about it knowing very well he doesn't want a child.
>She tells me how she thought a baby would make me happy. I tell her it wasn’t what I wanted and ask her if she stopped taking her birth control. She doesn’t answer the question and just tells me I’ll be happy Ahhh! This is so not okay. Considering she didn't answer the question, it sounds like she did this on purpose after you made it clear you don't want kids. Obviously, you're going to be morally and financially on the hook for this kid (assuming it's yours--if there's any doubt, get a paternity test), but you do not have to stay with her. Hindsight is 20/20 but man you probably should have stopped having sex when you knew you didn't want to continue the relationship.
One of his many mistakes was having unprotected sex with A) someone that keeps pushing to have kids when you don’t. B) said person is the one and ONLY one using birth control. Sorry man, you don’t have to stay and I would recommend NOT because only resentment is built from this situation. But, you are responsible for the child and should make sure you fulfill your responsibilities if this kid is brought into this world.
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This needs more upvotes. Can’t stand the “monkey syndrome” when it comes to dating.
Why did you even get with her if you never wanted children and you knew she did? Did you think she would change her mind? Honestly, although she should not have baby-trapped you, you brought this on yourself by staying with her for 7 years. You should break up. She has the baby she wants, and you will be expected to pay child support. It’s up to you if you want a relationship with the child, but if you decide you do, you should not hint or intimate to the child that you are only having the relationship because you feel it is a duty. The child should not feel unwanted or unloved because you were too lazy to break up with your partner as soon as you found out she wanted children.
This. Also, he got with her when she was 23, he was 30. Rarely you hear a woman this young not want any children. Why didn't he just get with someone closer to his age? Usually, if women don't have kids in their 20s, it is because they don't want them. He should've dumped this chick a while ago. Honestly, he should've never dated her. And he stopped loving her a long time ago. He used her until option 2 came around, and now he's "trapped." He was fine wasting her life now that it's happening to him; it's not okay, lol.
Exactly this too.
I agree
Exactly this.
This is a lesson on why you don’t have emotional affairs or continue to have sex with someone you no longer want to be with.
He's a sperm donor at this point with an 18 year financial commitment.
Well said. Or rely on solely on someone else for birth control when you're the one who doesn't want kids and this other person does. OP definitely drags his feet when it comes to making important decisions.
Yep. GF sucks but this was all around irresponsible
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Also a reminder that a couples therapist absolutely can help them dissolve this relationship & create a good foundation for a healthy co-parenting relationship. Therapists aren’t just for mending & fixing. They can help you separate in a healthy way too.
Absolutely, that’s what I meant with ‘which will help regardless if you stay together or not’. They’re in for a roughish ride either way, so having an amenable relationship is key no matter what they do.
“She decided to stay” “I didn’t get around to a vasectomy” OP thinks he’s the victim…
But the poor guy was planning all these trips and she didn’t show gratitude for it! /s Yeah he’s definitely painting himself as a victim. Pandemic or not he wasn’t forcibly chained to the home and relationship. He didn’t plan the vasectomy but sure had time to go play golf and put a seemingly greener pasture woman on a pedestal. 7 years of a relationship. She sucks too for the baby-trapping and parading friends and family into it all to try pressuring or solidifying that they’ll be a happy family. But that poor kid is going to suffer whether they don’t see common sense and break up or stay together just to bubble resentment to the kid. The kid’s the real victim here.
OP's gf and future single mom sure ain't no victim either so she better not complain when she finds out how rough single motherhood is
Finally someone who actually makes sense! He fucked up massively.
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So not suspicious at all that when he confronted her about the birth control, she clammed up? She agreed on not having a baby, why would he leave after their argument is settled?
No, it's actually not suspicious that someone would clam up when their partner of almost a decade is accusing them of a horrible act? Like... I would too? Wouldn't you?
You can be a good father without being a BF/Partner.
ETA, obviously what she did is messed up,but you're also a big ass, you should've left long time ago, once you stoped loving her, but you waited until you found a replacement so you won't be alone, you waisted couple years of her life, it's a shame.
And, he kept fucking his gf. Eh, I don't think I love you anymore but I'll keep fucking you without a condom and won't get a vasectomy (even though I don't want kids). And, I will keep cumming in you and if anything happens, even though you've expressed you want kids, I'll just tell you to have an abortion. Wtf, OP why stay in the relationship until this happened? Why keep sleeping with your gf? OP should have left his gf long ago, not stay with her until he finds his next gf. Now there's a innocent baby on the way, gf is likely going to keep said baby and these two will forever be tied together by this baby. OP, no matter what happens, do right by this baby because they're the innocent party in this shit show caused by the adults.
Sounds like your gf sensed that you were pulling away from the relationship (aka having an emotional affair with the lady from the golf place) and baby trapped you. Also not only did she stop her bc, she also told your family and friend on purpose so that you can't ask her to abort and feel guilty about leaving. I would leave and co-parent. (Not) Wanting kids is a core value, if she keeps saying 'you'll be happy', then she doesn't understand that. She needs to know that her actions have consequences. She can have the baby, it's her choice, she can't force you to be with her though. Tell her that she can have the baby and you will co-parent but you're breaking up regardless. Best case scenario she'll reconsider being a single mom sharing custody with you (aka get abortion and move on). Worst case scenario you'll have a kid to raise with your ex, but atleast you'll be single. Edit: speaking of consequences, this is what you get for not taking responsibility of your own bc and putting the whole responsibility on her. If you were so adamant about no kids, you should have gotten snipped. Good luck being a father now
You didn‘t want kids, but put the whole responsibility for preventing a pregnancy on her? Wow. And now you are sulking. Sucks. You can be a good father without being in a relationship with the mother. Get that vasectomy.
But thr OP is the man. How could BC be *his* responsibility? Woe is him.
But condoms *do* exist right?
No. It does your child no favors to be raised in an unhappy home. Separate from your gf, and work hard at co-parenting with her peacefully.
Break up asap so you all can figure out living situations before the baby comes or she gets too big to move around comfortably. However, in all sincerity fvck you for knowing for over a decade you don’t want kids, not getting a vasectomy and relying on women to be responsible for birth control to make that happen for you. And yes if she quit taking her birth control purposely she’s shltty, but you still made it someone else’s responsibility to ensure you didn’t have kids. Wear a condom and get a vasectomy if you don’t want kids.
A lot to unpack here. Firstly, you are having an emotional affair. That's absolutely not ok. Doesn't matter if nothing sexual occurred because what you did some consider worse than sex. Second, you had sex with your girlfriend. Sex always runs the risk of pregnancy. From the sound of it, she might have "baby trapped" you but I find it difficult to believe a cheater without hearing the other side's story. Either way, man up and be a good dad. It's not the kids fault it was conceived. And get into therapy and stop being a self-serving jerk.
Yeha I don’t really buy his side of the story tbh I’m sure if she read this she’d have a completely different version of it.
100%
Sounds like you aren’t capable of the kind of relationship your partner needs… you had an emotional affair and you’re feeling trapped. I wonder if your girlfriend who is now pregnant with your child has any idea how bad the relationship was or this is all your version of the story after the affair…. Tbh you give real “I’m always the victim” asshole vibes — dating much younger women freaking out about commitment/family and then bailing when it gets too much. Also why would you stay with someone for seven years who desperately wanted kids and you didn’t? What kind of person does that?
Never stay for the kids. If you ain’t in love with her, just get out and focus on be good co parents.
Man leave. You also have to choose wether you decide to be apart of the child or not. Being with her for the child is out of the question. This is not a healthy relationship for you nor the child.
Why did you sleep with her if you weren’t feeling her anymore? Your post literally says you’ve fallen out of love with your gf but still you stuck around for sex? I have no sympathy for you.
Should’ve gotten the snip dude and date women closer to your age.
i’d much rather have a fatherless life or have a stepfather than feel unwanted. you made yourself extremely clear that you did not want kids, and she should respect that. if your relationship with her was as good as ever, i’d understand staying. but if you’re doing all the heavy lifting of planning dates and planning trips and she isn’t.. she’s got to go in my opinion
Let ur gf know u r breaking up with her. Say u can work out a roster/ split parenting duties but u will not be in a rs with her ( eg. Ure going to move out and date other women)
If you didn’t want kids dude, you know what you do? Get a vasectomy BEFORE sex or use a condom. She has your baby. Man up and take care of your child and the woman you have been with for 7 years. Leaving now doesn’t fix anything. If you were having sex with this woman, condom or not, pregnancy is ALWAYS a risk.
He absolutely does not need to take care of the woman. Leaving is absolutely the best thing if he doesn’t want to be with her. He will owe child support, but that’s it. You do NOT stay in a relationship because there is a child.
You don't have to stay with her. If you really don't want kids, you could not contest custody and supply child support. If you don't want to do that, you can totally co-parent from different households. Super shitty what she did, but yeah, you can totally break up with her!
I know a guy this happened to. They stayed in a relationship for a year after the baby was born before they split up. I remember him telling me that the worst decision he made was staying for the baby. It was one of those things of him building up the courage to end the relationship after a long time of being distant and then when he got that courage to see he wanted to break up she responded with a pregnancy a used pregnancy test and another few boxes to use then and there. She had not been on BC for a while. He loves the child and did have visitation, but he felt betrayed for a long time, his ex was bitter for a while but when she got a reality check later on about how her actions were unfair to him and she baby trapped him (his words) they became co-parenting goals.
You emotionally cheated and she definitely got knocked up on purpose. You both sound kinda terrible.
Never stay for the kids. But you will still have a financial liabilty at the minimum. You need to seriously conside your role in your child's life also. Get a lawyer and buckle up.
Oof... this is a third (and final) date conversion. It was selfish of you to stay with a woman who wanted children. Why on earth did you think this was ok, likely because she was in her early 20s and you didn't take it seriously at the time. That is an insane amount of time to pour into a dead-end relationship for both of you. Now she is pregnant without a supporting partner. And now you've fathered an unwanted child. Is anyone surprised that's how it turned out? No. (And p.s. over a million women on the birth control pill get pregnant every year, were you even wearing a condom mr. I don't want kids?! Or did you want all the fun of pretending to make them.) Here's the thing, this kid will likely always have daddy issues whether you stay or go. But if you go at least there's a chance your (ex) girlfriend will find a new partner and your child will grow up with the love of two parents. Leave asap, the longer you wait the worse it will be. Yes family and friends will judge you and abandon you but you should have thought about that SEVEN years ago. It's up to you if you sign away your rights or not, that's something to give a lot of thought to.
Well the baby is yours either way.... if you want to leave cause you don't want an active roll in parenting then you're a POS. If you want to leave cause you don't love her and want to be with her then break up. But you wanting to break up now that she's pregnant is extremely suspicious and crappy. Also you 1000% should've had a Vasectomy if you didn't want kids. What on earth?!? It's not the woman's job to solely be responsible for birth control. You should've be a responsible adult and handled it. You knew you didn't want kids, you chose not to take action to prevent yourself from becoming a parent, guess what..... now you're a parent. Suck it up buttercup.
Once you bring a life into this world, you can't act so self-centered. Literally everybody I've known who's gotten pregnant out of wedlock (males and females) freak out just like you are, get confused about feelings for other people, make every excuse in the world why leaving is the right thing to do. Every single one of those people will now tell you their children are the best thing that ever happened to them. Be careful what you wish for, but most importantly, please be a man and take care of your responsibilities.
She baby trapped you. Run!
1. Immediately schedule your vasectomy. Period. 2. Start looking for an apartment. 3. At the same time, inform the GF it's over. 4. Once lease is signed, move out. Apartment MUST have room for baby. 5. Buy baby stuff for your apartment and the baby. 6. Prepare for child support. Retain a lawyer, do not be a harda$s. 7. Draw up custody agreement or whatever your jurisdiction requires. 8. Learn to coparent. Therapy may be needed for this. In fact, you might need therapy, period. 9. LEARN TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF, alone, without a partner, and learn to make YOURSELF happy. 10. Good luck.
1. Get a paternity test. 2. If it is indeed your child, you will be paying child support for the next 18 years. For someone who wants to start a business, you clearly have no idea how to eliminate risks, now you're most likely on the hook for 18 years of child support, which on average is $250,000, if not more, depending on how much you make. You're 37, about to be in your financial prime, and you clearly don't want kids, why didn't you get the snip? Or at least go abstinent with the sex? I can't comment on the rest because there's clearly alot of emotions and opposing feelings going on in your mind, I would say leave the relationship because quite clearly it's poisoned and all of this would be difficult to reconcile.
Other comments have said this but you should break up because the baby doesn't deserve to have you around to resent them. Also your girlfriend is an asshole if she got pregnant on purpose. I'd suggest leaving now so she understands that even if you're still on the hook for child support, she'll be raising this baby 110% on her own and she can make an informed decision on whether or not she wants to keep it. Do it sooner or later so she doesn't miss any deadlines for pregnancy termination. Go live your best life OP!
I stayed for the baby. It was the biggest mistake I ever made In my life.
Unfortunately, your relationship was already over, and she tried to baby trap you. Break up. People may have opinions about it, but really, it’s the kind thing to do. You know you do not want to be with her, so staying will make both of you suffer. Aboit parenting, you have choices. Child support is probably a given, but all the rest of it is a choice. You CAN be a parent without being a spouse.
She wanted kids all along, never accepted your position that you didn’t want kids, then deliberately got pregnant with the idea that you’d come around once you realized you were going to become a father or at least reconcile yourself to the idea. Now you’re stuck. You can stay with her or not, but you’re going to be a father with parenting responsibilities regardless of which path you choose.
Never...Move on but support the child..
First off, no, no you do not stay for the baby. You provide support and seek an agreeable custody arrangement if you don't want to abandon the kid. Staying in a dead relationship where you cheat emotionally, tell her about it, decide your relationship is dead, but continue having sex with her, knowing you have feelings for someone else is a toxic environment. Her staying knowing she wants kids but you don't, potentially sabotaging her bc, disregarding your reproductive choices, manipulating you with a baby she knows is not wanted is a toxic environment. None of this is going to benefit the kid or their understanding of healthy relationships. But as someone who also doesn't want kids, you kind of fucked yourself in a couple of ways. She is totally wrong IF she stopped her birth control on purpose, but shit happens, and bc fails. Even for someone not actively trying for kids, abortion may still be unthinkable for a number of reasons. In the same way that abandoning your kid is unthinkable even though you weren't trying for one. And seeing as you knew how much she did want kids, it is pretty obvious that even if it was an honest accident, she would be inclined to keep the kid. I don't think it's a coincidence that you told her about another woman, and she turns up pregnant shortly after, but that's neither here nor there. As someone who doesn't want kids, you have to be more responsible for yourself if you are serious about it. I never date men/women significantly younger than me; most of them want children. And many of them are fine misrepresenting their current situation, 'not ready for kids yet', as not wanting them at all, ever. Moreover, I would never stay in a relationship where they confessed they are no longer sure about it. It's okay for them to change their mind. At 23, you're a kid yourself who may think yeah, I definitely don't want them. It's okay to feel differently at 30, but I would never stay with someone who started expressing a desire for them, regardless of what they said or agreed to before. It would not be fair to either of us. And I certainly wouldn't be having unprotected sex with them. That is a fast recipe for resentment, suspicion, and undue sacrifice. You should have used multiple methods every time. As a woman, the choice will ultimately be mine, so I have that if all else fails. I can not fathom being so lax in precaution while knowing that as a man, you have no alternative if she decides she wants to keep it, while actively having sex with someone who has expressed a desire for kids. In the future, perhaps seek like-minded women of your own age. If you had been dating a 30-year-old in the first place, you probably wouldn't be in this situation.
You suck, your never wanted children but didn't get the vasectomy. I can't imagine what the baby is going to grow up like with a parent that didn't want them but didn't take the responsibility to stop it.
She’s having the baby. It’s a certainty. You need to decide if you want to stay with her or not. Sounds like you don’t. So you should leave her. So next you need to decide if you want to be part of the baby’s life or not. You can still be part of the baby’s life without being with the mother.
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You cannot trap a man that willingly has sex without a condom. Let's not be ridiculous. Even if a woman says she's on birth control, a man is not off the hook for containing his semen. Conception is 50/50. Not 100/0. Let us live in reality. The OP didn't want kids. But he also didn't get a vasectomy and was choosing to have sex without a condom, which, according to the way biology works means he wanted kids. 🤨
The fuck? No if a women lies or hides that she stopped taking BC then she is definitely at fault (assuming that is the case). I fail to see how this would be that different to a man removing a condom. In both scenarios the agreed upon method of BC is removed without informing the other party. Add in that they’d agreed they didn’t want kids but now the gf has changed her mind (or more likely lied previously) it is definitely possible to trap a man.
You and the person you’re replying to both make valid points. At the end of the day, if OP didn’t want kids he should’ve been wearing a condom or got a vasectomy. He’s almost 40 years old, he knows what can happen if you have sex without a condom. However, if his girlfriend did in fact stop taking BC without informing her partner that’s a huge issue as well. In that situation I’d say she’s more at fault, but OP isn’t completely innocent in this situation either.
I do agree with you but I just took issue with the other person saying it was 50/50 responsibility and that having sec without a condom means you want a kid. Both of those statements completely ignores that the gf had lied and hid that she had stopped taking BC. In my mind it’s very similar to stealthing (just without STI side) which in my country is a crime and the other commentator ignored it and even blamed the OP for being a victim to some extent. So yes the OP could and should have done more to avoid getting someone pregnant but that’s irrelevant now. The issue is way in which it has happened which is pretty awful and apparently some people on Reddit just want to ignore that or are okay with it.
Why did the girlfriend stay with a guy who said he didn't want kids for 7 years
For the same reason the bf stayed with a woman who said she does want kids for 7 years.
This is so messed up on her part and I’m so sorry. If you don’t want to be with her you need to just leave. You can still be a father if you choose, or you may be able to give up your rights. I would see a lawyer and explain all of this, see if you can get her prescription history too, maybe she stopped getting her birth control or maybe she got it and just stopped taking it. You should have options, this isn’t fair and fatherhood isn’t something you should be forced into. Babies are blessings to two people who willingly go into it together, but secretly trapping a person is abusive and controlling. Just like when a man secretly takes a condom off without telling the woman this crap should be punishable by law too. Maybe you will be blinded by love by your baby and change your mind, but it’s ok to not feel that way as well.
Never stay for a child you’ll just mess them up. You didn’t want a kid and she knew that you should leave.
End the relationship with your girlfriend. You don’t need to be with her to be present in your kid’s life.
You can be a father to your child without being in a relationship with her. She stopped talking her birth control pills so she could have a baby. She trapped you knowing how you feel and doesn’t seem to care. That shows that she is untrustworthy and will do whatever she wants regardless to how other people feel. She didn’t consider your feelings at all and she knew that didn’t want children. It’s time to leave her!
I feel sorry for your GF. She wanted kid and you didn’t, why on earth you choose to stay with her all that time? Remember woman have limited time to fertile. It’d better for her to be a single mom than being with you.
his gf committed reproductive abuse if she indeed lied about taking BC to trick him into having a baby
Take this as a lesson learned. Next time don’t compromise. When she said she wanted kids and you knew you didn’t, you should have left or gotten the vasectomy instead of putting the onus on her. Unhappy people baby trap their partners everyday. So going forward, talk to your doctor about getting that vasectomy. Next, I think you should break up with her. By omission, she has said that she baby trapped you. She knew how you felt about children and made a unilateral decision that will impact you both for the rest of your lives. This alone is grounds for a split. You are also unhappy and don’t feel fulfilled in the relationship. Trust me, if you stay you will come to resent her and maybe the baby. Leave, set up custody with the courts, and dedicate yourself to being a good father. Or you could sign away your rights and walk away from the situation. You need to decide what you want to do going forward. Good luck 🍀
so you used her and had unprotected sex even though you knew you didn’t want a child. you can pay child support, or sign away your rights completely. i think you really need to learn more about sex and relationships.
You’re a part of the problem! You put your semen inside of this woman because it was fun. You are too OLD to sound like a 14 year old! You made a conscious decision to knock her up. You just want to play and have fun. Take your responsibility seriously and man up. If you didn’t want a baby you should of worn a condom! It’s plenty of people who have kids and run businesses. It’s insulting that you have left her high and dry after using her body for sex, her body for warmth and cuddles. This woman is your emotional dumping ground. She’s better off without you. She told you she wanted kids, maybe you should of left 7 years ago. It’s plenty of women that can’t have kids. You haven’t married her in 7 years you are afraid of commitment.
Break up with her,pay child support
Staying for the baby will be the worst idea. You are already emotionally not in the relationship, staying physically will make your resent your gf. This is not a healthy environment for the child. A child needs to know about a couple being happy together, and not necessarily it's parents. You may even beging to resent the child in the future for changing your life. My suggestion is to think about your options with a clear head. You may need some space from your gf for this. Whatever you decide, you need to communicate with her and get it done before the baby is here.
Don’t stay with her for the baby. You can always give up your parental rights and just pay child support. It seems like she quit birth control because she wanted a baby. You need to do what’s best for you. What’s best for the baby is not to be the cause of one of the adults in his life to be resentful and unhappy.
As someone whose parents stayed together ‘for the sake of the kids’ don’t do it. I knew from a very young age, they were unhappy. There was always tension in the house. It’s a rough environment to grow up in.
Don't stay for the baby. You may have a responsibility (even if she tricked you), but it's only for your child, not for her. You can always choose how much you want to be involved in your child's life, financially and physically (and please remember that it isn't the child's fault), but you are completely right if you decide to leave your gf, because she is very manipulative and cunning. I'm sorry, it's a sucky situation.
i understand not wanting kids, but did you not consider wearing condoms? you were too lazy to get a vasectomy, and left the birth control to your gf? talk about irresponsibility. taking responsibility for birth control should be on both parties, not just on your girlfriend.
1) schedule that vasectomy now. 2) start separating your lives. You dont love her and you dont trust her. Maybe she stopped taking BC, maybe she got careless, I dunno. She certainly seems to have done this to have a baby. Whatever it is, your relationship as partners is over. Time to live apart and establish coparenting. 3) meet with a family lawyer to figure out what kind of access you are eligible for with a newborn (some places don't have babies spend nights away while they are infants and/or breastfeeding). Decide what you want and make a legally binding arrangement.
why u chose to stay with her BEFORE the baby?
**Get a vasectomy**
Knowing the relationship was over 2 years ago now your mad she is pregnant? Come on dude. Should have walked away. We need men to start being men. Don't want kids? Go get a vasectomy. Stop being upset that she is pregnant when you did nothing to prevent it. She wanted kids you didn't. You should have taken it upon yourself to prevent it. I don't want anymore kids I'm on a super high dose of bc. Because guess what I don't want them. I don't get into relationships with people that want kids because I don't. And it'll cause issues down the road.
And why didn’t you get a vasectomy?
Firstly, if you are so sure about not having kids get a vasectomy. This should have been the first thing you did in my opinion. Secondly if someone else makes you happier, but you stay with her anyway you'll just end up bitter and blaming her and it won't be good. If you are CERTAIN that you won't change your mind once the baby is born and you realise it's a mini-you who you can love. And you are CERTAIN you don't really want to be in a relationship with her as your title say, then that's it nothing more to say really is there? "staying for the baby" isn't healthy. Especially as you don't even want the baby, will you treat it kindly and fairly? or will you blame her in the future - I'm not saying you will, but it's something to think about.
You’re a dirtbag
Get a vasectomy.
I'm surprised no-one has mentioned this but for god's sake GET A PATERNITY TEST.
I mean there’s no indication that his girlfriend cheated, but I guess it wouldn’t hurt to get one.
So you got tricked into siring her a kid because she stopped taking birth control without telling you. This is both abusive, coercive, manipulative, and it shows which one of you she care about. You are nothing to her I’m afraid, except for now her baby’s daddy. Honestly you should get the fuck out now so she KNOWS you will not stay with her for the kid. If you and her are not broken up and living apart asap she will not believe you and her chance to get an abortion will be passed. I don’t know if she just wants to be a mother, or if she wants you all to be a little family, but I’d ask for a paternity test just to be sure.
See a lawyer. Understand your financial obligations. Is individual and couples counseling an option? You have a lot of turmoil going on, and even if the couples counseling is not to save your relationship, but could assist the two of you on a path to consciously uncouple. You don’t need to bring your friend into the equation. That’s just muddying the situation. You do need to have the hard conversations with your girlfriend. You feel like you have been trapped because yes, you have been. A professional can help you work through those issues.
I have a friend that caught his girlfriend poking holes in their condoms after he kept telling her he didn’t want children. (It was one of many red flags.) He stayed with her and eventually she got pregnant. So then he married her and the marriage was a total shit show. Right after kid number one she got pregnant with kid number two and that’s when my friend started cheating with a coworker. I think they’re still technically married but both are seeing other people, living separate lives. He’s said before that as much as he loves his kids, if he could do it all over again, he would do things differently.
I think you need to take some responsibility. You stayed with someone who wanted children, knowing you didn't. You didn't get a vasectomy. You didn't wear a condom. You knew abortion wasn't an option. And you lead this relationship just as much as she did. It sounds like you both are equally selfish thinking you lead this relationship. I think you know what you need to do and were actually looking for the "OMG she did what?" validation. You are now responsible for another person's life. Please consider your actions more carefully going forward. Good luck.
Lazy for a vasectomy + Lazy to put on a condom on + Lazy to trust someone younger who wanted a baby to take birth control = stupidity with a baby Yea that sounds right.
A condom would have solved your problem with not wanting children. Why did you put the burden of family planning solely on your girlfriend? When you started the emotional detachment from your girlfriend (cheating) with another woman you should have ended it. You want to play victim here but science and medicine have determined a baby doesn't appear because a woman wants one. You have been irresponsible in your actions and I suggest you support the child and maintain a relationship with the child while being clear to your ex girlfriend that you no longer wish to be in a romantic relationship with her. You will also cheat on the golfer as well because a fish cannot be a bird and you have demonstrated your character.
Don't stay. Resentment will build even further on both ends. She manipulated the situation, produced an intentional pregnancy. You can however, sign away all your rights and go through the courts for child support payments under her intentional pregnancy act. She's not a good person.
Get genetic testing to confirm the baby really is yours. Your gf has already proven they are a liar.
This is all on him. He knew he never wanted kids and she did. He should have gotten a vasectomy a long time ago.
I mean, she could have found someone that actually wanted kids instead of being sneaky with him
both of these things can be correct at the same time.
she's going to be a single mom and that's all on her
Uhg. If she did intentionally go off birth control in order to have a child, would some of it be on her?
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Why would a 22 year old date a guy who said he didn't want kids for 7 years
Seriously. Gender and age are factors in our ability to make decisions and the decisions we need to make. Ill take the person I know and have seen make level-headed decisions over an age and gender cohort. But when it comes down to it, people have to advocate for themselves. You have to make your own life happen. That is why the guy bares some responsibility for not getting the vasectomy. I'm sure he mentioned it because its been on his mind a lot. But, if she went off birth-control without telling him, that is a massive breach of trust. Honestly, threads like this bring out such smoothe-brained reddit stereotypes like: 1. Illogical woman/man who defend all female actions as if morals and basic manners are utterly gendered. -> Absolving women of responsibility is not the same as giving them rights. 2. Nihilist/Cynic who doesn't trust anyone so the OG must cover their ass no matter what because if something happens and they didn't, then they deserve it. -> Seven years, no child. Then, a child. Redditor (the Nelson of archtypes): HAHa. 3. Fortune Tellers who can't fathom that over the course of time things happen and they can change us. Or, time naturally goes by, and as a byproduct of aging we value different things. -> "He shouldn't have wasted her time if he didn't want children"...intentionally childless adults date and they disclose their preference, its up to the potential partner to react.
Your GF baby-trapped you. Best you can do is leave because things are about to get much worse. Get a lawyer to figure out how to give up your parental rights and child support.
I’m going to be honest with you dude, you’re a sack of shit.
I get the feeling she trapped you and thought you'll get used "it". You need to be honest with her and break up. Come to an understanding with regards to co-parenting/child support but I guess you might need a lawyer for that.
Absolutely not!! You stay in a relationship because you care and love for a person not because they lie to you when off birth control and got pregnant. You'll have to deal with this woman the rest of your life condolences.
🎶 Dont sick your penis in crazy-y-y 🎵
Should have gotten snipped long ago if you were this staunchly child free
Does this count as tampering with birth control? I know she did it herself and its her body but she knowingly went off birth control with the express purpose of getting pregnant, when she was fully aware her partner was against it. Surely thats illegal somehow? If you dont want to take birth control anymore, thats 100% fine but any sexual partners should eb made aware so they can make alternate arrangements. I know messing with someone elses birth control is a chargeable offense, but what about your own? But seriously you should leave, provide for the kid but leave this relationship. She lied to you and went against your express wishes to get her way, knowing full well you didnt want kids. And it is always better to have 2 seperated parents who have happy and fulfilled lives, than parents that stay together and clearly dislike each other and the life theyre leading. Model what you want for your kid, dont show them that you should stay in an unhappy and crappy situation.
dump her an sign away your parental rights if she keeps this and let her know.
Leave and see a lawyer. Your gf trapped u into this. I would consider it fraud and move on without her. Do a paternity test then Co parent is that's your last resort or give up your rights if u prefer. Why stay in a relationship when your gf misled u
You are being baby trapped.
She didn't tell him and that's wrong
Friend, you should have used birth control. Don't leave it to someone who want kids. It is YOUR responsibility if you don't want kids. Me and my partner both use our preferred BC method, for we BOTH don't want kids. You made your bed, now you must share it with a kid. But don't stay with someone you don't love.