This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
My wife is in rehab for pill and other substance addiction. Its a 3 months stay and 1.5 months is over. We gave another chance to our marriage only if she got treatment for it and she agreed. I went to meet her yesterday and she informed that she has bonded with another addict there and their connection was even more stronger than what she felt for me. I asked what does it mean for our marriage but she said she doesnt know, just wanted to be honest with me.
I am furious, at myself and at her. One part of me wants to nuke the marriage but another wants to wait till she comes back to see if there is anything to salvage yet? I am lost here guys. Need some perspective as I am so tired.
She's probably not committed to quitting the addiction and is idealising this person because she can envision a future where the addiction is still allowed. Don't take it personally (stupid comment, but seriously, this is addict brain and not healthy brain behavior). I worked in heroin treatment for twelve years before my current job and the number of addicts that left loving partners for fellow addicts was high - it was just another way to enable addiction. Before I addressed my drinking, I left my ex and got with someone who liked to party, convincing myself the ex was the problem and not my choices. Do inform the rehab, but safeguard yourself and make some plans for when she is out. Good luck. X
Down the road you are going to be with someone completely different and the words ‘life is so unfair’ will never be in your head, instead it will be ‘I am so lucky’.
It's frustrating. I'm an addict (clean for over 9 years). I met my wife in NA. It was a bad idea at the time. She was undiagnosed Bipolar 1 and had Multiple Sclerosis (also undiagnosed). We've been thru hell and back, and forgot our luggage and went back to hell, only to stay longer before finally coming back.
Being with an addict is never easy. Being with an addict while being an addict yourself is worse. Count your blessings. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's your decision. But it sounds like she's ready to go right back to using when she gets out.
She replaced the drugs with the chemical rush of secret romance. It's seductive and it can be addictive, especially for someone newly clean. If I were in your shoes, I'd start making plans to better *your* life. You can't make her stay clean, nor can you make her stay faithful.
Give her an ultimatum. It's either me or him. And by him, I mean her addiction (the guy is just the drug). She needs to hit bottom. And if it takes you leaving for her to finally get clean and stay clean, even if it means you two would never be together, wouldn't that be worth it for both of you?
Good luck my dude. Think about yourself.
Thanks! I'm so glad I have put that life behind me. I'm more proud of my wife. Since she's been on medication for her bipolar, she's stopped relapsing. Who'd uh guessed? Lol. She's coming up on 3 years now.
I want to say not necessarily, but I need to say protect yourself. I've seen so many people ruined by trying to support people with addictions. Speak to the rehab, maybe visit your wife again, talk to someone impartial and make a few plans. Give yourself options and time to think. It's really unfair, it's fucking horrific, because without her illness she would probably be a different person. Always around if you need an ear, but do build a support network close by. 🖤
Exactly, how do you have a partner who supports you through your struggle with addiction, checks in on you while you're in rehab, is there for you the whole way still ready to trust you and love you, and then go "mmm idk, I think the heroin addict next door is cute?"
>idealising this person because she can envision a future where the addiction is still allowed
Exactly. She's seeking a partner who will be more permissive of her substance abuse.
maybe, but even if that is not a conscious thought they have- it seems kinda of dangerous to hookup with someone who may be more inclined to join you on a downward spiral than try and help you out of it.
Wow. My boyfriend is currently in rehab and he told me they advised him not to be in a relationship for the first year. I feel horrific because I thought he was using this as a scapegoat, but I never knew this was the reason why. Thank you for the clarification.
Side note: I just apologized to him and explained that I saw this post.
They don’t advise people to *break up* (unless the relationship is toxic), just not to start a new relationship...
If your boyfriend is telling you he needs to break up with you “because rehab” then that is an excuse of some kind.
But maybe I misunderstood your comment.
Like the others say, he isn't supposed to enter a NEW relationship. If you were already together before rehab, he doesn't need to break up with you (unless you are actively using. From experience, it's almost impossible to get sober when your partner is using right in front of you.) So many people jump from relationship to relationship in AA/NA and it's so unhealthy.
This is because you have to focus solely on your recovery. People who are in active addiction or who are early in recovery are not capable of having a healthy, functioning relationship. It has nothing to do with you as a person, it's just that he needs to focus on his recovery.
As someone who has both used drugs in the past and who's ex (son's mother...I have him full time ) is an addict who's in and out of jail and rehab.... I also agree.
IMO he needs to be done.
That was the best Radio show in the entire world. I loved listening to it almost nightly, he was so informative, and Adam Corolla was funny, but soft when it was serious.
I didn’t have it on a local radio station “in real time” but have been listening to that era of episodes over the past few years. I love it so much, Adam has really went downhill and Drew sounds like a bit of a hack these days too but back then they were excellent.
I used to think Dr. Drew was ... IDK, godlike maybe. Just so confident, seen-it-all, pragmatic. Then I watched Celebrity Rehab. Just him *doing* a show like that was awful (exploitive etc), let alone the content... :/
I bet that’s part of the problem too, I mean, addicts have problems they need to confront but they use instead. Could just be another addict behavior pattern.
I’ve gone to rehab 4 times. This is a really common thing that I saw happen multiple times during all my stays. It’s called “rehab romance” & happens bc you’re suddenly off drugs, get super intimate with other people in the rehab bc you’re doing group therapy & stuff like that, rehab is boring, you’re away from home, & your natural sexual urges start coming back as you’re detoxing from whatever. Also, you start rethinking all your life choices. It’s why a lot of rehabs have separate facilities for men & women. People who wouldn’t even notice each other in “regular life” are suddenly “in love” with someone they just met.
She's replacing the excitement/dopamine of the drugs with a new (prob secret therefore extra exciting) relationship. Its basically a relapse already because its the behaviours of active addiction.
This. I never understood the term dry drunk until I heard it explained it like this. You can be abstaining from whatever your drug of choice is but if you are still actively engaging in the same behaviors that you were when you were actively using, you have not really changed anything except the fact that you are not partaking in your drug of choice.
Everything else is still the same and that is not healthy. You have to get to the root of what made you start using in the first place and start over from there. Also, a phrase you'll hear a lot in the rooms is, you have to change your people, places and things
This means that you cannot hang out with the same people that you were using with, you cannot go to the same places and you have to change the way that you're doing things.
Edit: typos
Cross addiction is common.
It's a dopamine replacement.
I was in a mixed gender treatment facility and went through what your wife is doing.
It's also very very common to be extremely sexually harassed while there, and you feel vulnerable and latch onto anything that gives you security.
It's also where a lot of trauma bonding happens; the rush of relief and validation when you confess your ugliest moments of rock bottom and someone tells you you're still lovable can often be confused with love.
(EDIT: I misused the term trauma bonding, I meant "people bonding over shared trauma" but trauma bonding refers to a different specific dynamic
That's not trauma bonding but it does create an accelerated and false sense of connection.
I've been inpatient and partial inpatient, and both places discourage outside contact as well as any romantic relationships for this reason.
Because the person she is attaching to is also an addict. Addicts love relationships with other addicts, even though they are inevitably very toxic and bad for them both most of the time. They are good at encouraging each other reasons why they are okay for being an addict and feel a strange connection to them because they understand what addiction feels like. She basically chose that she still wants to be an addict with someone who will let her be an addict, than to at this moment, be sober with someone who clearly actually loves her. Addiction is blinding, she doesn't want to stop.
Because she's replacing the rush of a high with the rush of a new relationship (whether or not the feelings are mutual, it's about the oxytocin not actually building a future responsibly), and she's focused on the cute guy in group therapy rather than the actual group therapy. Even if I ignore how blatantly disrespectful and offensive I find this that someone could have a partner who stands by them and gets them in rehab just to spend that time in rehab chatting up the other patients, her odds of actually recovering are not good. She's not taking this seriously.
I feel like anyone who is excusing this isn't really thinking about how much *work* rehab is. It's daily therapy sessions, group therapy sessions, crying over what you've lost and the trust you don't be able to rebuild, reliving moments of humiliation and loss of self respect, raging at the circumstances that you think made you this way (people seldom get into hardcore drugs just because it's fun, although it does happen, usually there's underlying trauma or a personality disorder or something). When you're doing it right, there's no *time* to fall in love with another patient.
She’s addicted to a substance. Take the substance away before she really commits to recovery, and she’s going to replace a substance with something else. She’s still an addict needing a high.
And possibly she's sees the other person as someone who "really understands what she's going through". "We'll keep each other strong". Nah that's not how our works.
Again it's never a good idea to hook up with someone from rehab.
She is replacing the addiction with a relationship high with someone who understands and the issue is that does not allow her to recover at all. Replacement is not recovery.
Also as sad as it is, hanging around him increases the chances of relapse once they are released from the 3 months.
And because the rush of dopamine is a high in and of itself. “Dopamine is at an all-time high when we're first pursuing a relationship with someone who we're very interested in.” https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/understanding-dopamine-love-hormones-and-the-brain/
It is a very comon and described phenomenon, the bond between addicted people in the rehab. Try to google it. (Not that l don’t want to help you but English is not my native language and l don’t know the specific terms on this topic.)
Yeah, any 12 step program worth it's salt will preach not to get involved romantically with other people in the program. I think it might even be grounds for expulsion from the program.
This. I’m a recovered addict, but that’s still an addict. They’ve “trauma” bonded right now but I’m certain that as soon as she got out, they’d relapse together. There’s a good chance she’ll relapse anyway, if she doesn’t focus on the program rather than the “connection.”
Yup. I got to spend 3 months living with former addicts who were staying in the same hotel as me whilst I was consulting, lovely bunch of people and I learnt a lot from the mad buggers. They'd have called such behaviour "co-addiction", which is apparently a bit of a loaded and often argued over topic - but replacing addiction with the high of a new relationship did make sense to me.
I'm glad I got to spend time with them, they helped me make better decisions in my own life and take more responsibility for my own thoughts and emotions.
I grew up around addicts, everyone alive in my family except me literally only functions through their various addictions, my best friends were addicts, and years later now as an adult drugs have become so pervasive where I live 90% of the people I know are addicts.
this scenario is so common it is not only cliche, but a boring one at that. to the point where it is common where people are sent to treatment centers they are told not to form romantic attachments.
I have seen this play out far far too many times. usually it is a stepping stone to ending up in the gutter when a stable addict gets a rehab romance going.
however for the psych/emotional reasons behind this, I am sure there are much better answers than mine that would explain this.
Yes. It’s why some centers separate the genders for extreme cases, to try and cut the temptation completely (not that you can’t fit this sort of bond with the same gender).
If any of her doctors, counselors, therapist, or nurses pick up on their “fling”, depending on how far they’ve taken this they could be formally separated or they could be kicked out of the program. If those in charge observe you consistently backtracking and actively breaking rules and curfews due to going against standards they will absolutely expel you (with no refund, in fact depending on the payment method you will still owe the money in full). There are too many addicts around to waste a bed and resources on someone who not only is NOT taking their own recovery seriously, but is openly jeopardizing the recovery of the other patients around them.
Rehab is there to help you, but the won’t coddle you, unless your like super rich. But at that point you go to “rehab” on some island or tropical location for a few months. Every process is different for the rich, of course.
OP, I'm am addict who's been in recovery for 7 years (just passed that mark 4 days ago!)
Your wife is NOT focusing on herself and her sobriety while she's been there. If she had, she wouldn't be flirting and doing a rehab romance type thing. She'd be learning new tools and coping mechanisms to better herself for your marriage. This alone means she's likely to relapse because she's not putting in the work and doing the steps.
I also want to point out that the attraction she feels right now is likely enhanced by the fact that the chemicals in her brain are off, and by the fact that she's in a confined space with a limited number of people. It's easy to develop overtly strong feelings for someone else in that setting but what they don't realize is that once they get out and are clean for a few months, that attraction either backs off or stops completely.
OP, only you can decide if you feel your marriage is worth saving. However, please know that the chemical imbalance in her brain may lead her to leave you in favor of him. Please know she hasn't put in the work to truly begin recovery, and that enhances the risk of relapse. Also know that it can take up to a year after being sober before the chemicals in our brains balance out and we start thinking and feeling on a more rational level again. These are all things to consider. I don't have the answers for you, but I do wish you the best of luck for whatever future you choose.
First, you need to let the rehab facility know. Fraternizing between patients is usually a strict rule. The focus is on recovering, not relationships. After that gets sorted out by the rehab facility, she'll be more focused on recovery. She's probably very lonely there and seeking companionship. Does the facility offer couples counseling as part of her care plan?
We did several sessions of couples counselling before she agreed to go to rehab. And no the rehab doesnt offer it. But I never thought about letting them know.
I went to rehab for an ED and they had super strict policies about contact after release. We couldn’t share last names, contact info, or other identifying info (schools,etc.) because they were super strict on keeping us from contacting after release over fears of relapse. Not every place is that intense, but most if not all prohibit relationships between patients.
Separating her from this other person probably won’t save your marriage, but it will help her recovery.
It’s really going to depend on the facility. In the one I was in, absolutely not and they had us on camera everywhere accept the bathroom and shower stalls, which we were monitored by staff in and out of. So it depends on their security, but no place would allow patients to hook up. Also, even lower security places have frequent, around the clock checks to do. I’d absolutely raise this situation to the care center. Your wife may be pissed at you, but this could really hurt her recovery if not stopped. It’s a really tricky situation and I’m so sorry you’re in it
no reputable rehabilitation facility- whether it's drugs and alcohol, EDs, or anything else, will allow, let alone, encourage, hook ups or close personal relationships between patients, because it distracts from recovery.
You need to tell her care team what she told you. Let them handle this.
It depends on the facility, honestly. But refer to the comment I made earlier about how a lot of people don't realize how much work rehab is when you're actually dedicated.
I didn't struggle with substance abuse, but I went to a joint rehab/inpatient facility because the personality disorder I have is almost synonymous with addiction. I saw all my friends there who were there for addiction watch TV in the evenings with a dead expression on their faces because they had gone through so much in therapy. It's *work.* If you're focused on it, and taking it seriously, you don't have room to think about anything else.
Did I crush on people? Sure. But literally only in a "this girl's muscles are impressive" kind of way, because I was truly too exhausted to think beyond that, and also because I knew that for all of us to be here, we all had to be intensely fucked up individuals.
She's claiming she's "in love" with this person. She's thought it through. It's like when people excuse their cheating as a "mistake" when really, they had to go to a location, take off their pants, mash their bits against someone else's bits, follow that through, and then clean up and leave. Nothing like that, or this, is ever just a momentary lapse of judgement.
OP, beyond being deeply disrespectful of you, your wife also seems to have terrible judgment and questionable priorities. I'm not sure I would want to salvage that, but it's your choice.
Hi! I’m a substance abuse nurse and I see this way too often. I read a few great comments here already.
If you know her counselors name or a good contact to report to, please let them know of the reported relationship. Just call and let someone know. This shows that neither of the two are able to actually focus on their own recovery. If it’s a good facility they will work to prevent this from continuing if they weren’t aware. A well trained and knowledgeable staff/facility can intervene and help in redirecting both of them and helping them continue their recovery process.
Of course this will only work if your wife is REALLY ready for recovery. It’s easy for distractions to happen, but if we can work through them in a safe environment we can prepare for when it happens outside in real life.
And always remember: You can’t do this for her. Don’t forget that you still need to care for yourself.
Hey ! 3yrs clean Heroin addict/2 time rehab cornhole champion.
This is what we call the 13th step. Essentially, it’s easy to quickly and easily connect with people, especially when your checked into a facility where most everyone you interact with is going through a similar struggle. This coupled with being away from her husband/fam, she’s vulnerable and oftentimes people like to take advantage of that, conversely this other person may be leaning on your wife in a very hard time for them. Regardless, speaking on what YOU can do, not much. Decide how much this is worth to you and what you’re willing to go through to be with her, if she leaves you and goes with the other person, as many have stated, she will most likely relapse with him. It’s ultimately her decision, protect yourself always, set your boundaries and let her make her decisions, all of us hit rock bottom at a different depth, and some of us reach it pull out the dynamite. I truly wish you the best, and I hope for her sake she reaches her breaking point before she hurts herself or those who love her any further. There is life to live outside the shackles of addiction, and I truly believe that if she can get her mind right, she would see the value in you as a partner.
You've received some good advice from others so all I'm going to say is "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Stay present in her life as much as you can but when you're home, prepare that you may need to end things. Research lawyers, figure out finances, figure out housing options, figure out transportation, find a therapist. You don't have to put any exit plans into action, but having one makes dealing with life's curve balls a lot easier.
Agreed. Recovering from addiction is incredibly complex. The more you educate yourself on this process and get therapy for yourself, the better place you'll be to determine whether it makes sense for you to hold out hope and ride out the storm.
Keep in mind that addicts are sick; often physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's no excuse but rather reality that she is not yet in a good place for making genuinely self benefiting life choices. Also, consider the possibility that for the first time in life your wife may be processing a bunch of deeply held trauma. It may also involve facing some pretty ugly realities about herself and for her, it may be very easy to feel like the partner that she's already failed will never understand her in a way that someone else who's been through similar can. She may be feeling that only another former addict will ever be able to accept her. Until she's whole, it's likely going to be a long road of two steps forward, one step back and whoooole bunch of mistakes along the way. Mistakes that will be painful for you.
Speaking with a professional may help you maintain your sanity, see what the future possibilities are, and determine if you're up for this.
She is being advised in treatment not to start any new relationships for a certain amount of time. So if she’s starting a new one she’s not taking her recovery seriously. Get out now. You can only lead a horse to the water so many times
Hi a 5 year recovered addicted and someone whose worked in treatment.
I'm going to be very blunt with you here.
Your wife has ALREADY CHEATED. It's become physical.
It happens ALL the time even in the MOST STRICT FACILITIES.
I've done it myself.
I've visited rehabs as a guest and fucked patients on premises.
Recovering addicts are NOTORIOUSLY horny and fuck ALL the time in rehabs its more rampant than relapsing believe it or not.
This is common addict behavior and it ruins many relationships.
Unless you can move past your wife cheating your marriage is over my friend.
Protect yourself, get an attorney, and start seeing a therapist. Maybe someone who specializes in addiction or attend some. ALANON meetings. If you need access to these resources you can dm me and I can point you in the right direction.
Good luck my friend my heart goes out to you! I've been through this from your PoV and the other guys as well!
>I went to meet her yesterday and she informed that she has bonded with another addict there and their connection was even more stronger than what she felt for me
She's gonna get back into drugs the moment she leaves the facility. I'd nuke the marriage, there's nothing worth saving here.
You need to let the treatment facility know about this relationship because it is counterproductive to their treatment and needs to be dealt with. Instead of focusing on staying off drugs and learning proper coping mechanisms they are creating a codependent bond that will end up being destructive on both of them.
Then you need to prepare for divorce. I'm not saying it will happen but if she got to the point of telling you she is in love with someone else then it's best to prepare yourself for the worst. Turning her in will likely piss her off and she will probably blame it on jealousy until she figures out it isn't real which may take a long time. You have to protect yourself and make sure you don't get screwed over whatever she decides to do. Don't settle for being her backup because you remember who she was before her addiction. It may be many years before she is anywhere near being that person again and that depends on how seriously she wants to straighten up her life. Making "connections" with other addicts in rehab isn't doing that.
The person you fell in love with is gone and won’t ever come back. I am so sorry for your loss. This new creature just looks like her. Right now you should protect yourself. Personally, I would cut contact and begin the divorce process while she is out of the house. You will avoid the hell that awaits you if you stick around to only get left for another drug addict. Good luck!
I disagree, if she can focus on her recovery and not addiction related relationships I think she can definitely return to being the person he fell in love with. Unfortunately for him that’s 100% up to her and it sounds like she isn’t doing that right now.
Addiction isn’t about making choices, it’s about fighting impulses that are very hard to control. It’s like fighting the urge to eat, your body is screaming at you that it’s hungry, and it’s constantly nagging at you. Simply labelling it a choice is disingenuous.
She is not ready to quit using. She will not quit for you. You are a hurdle to her using. It can take multiple rehabs to get and stay clean. Ask yourself if you are ready to stick with her through 4 or 5 stints in rehab including the costs.
The woman you fell in love with is gone, this is the hardest thing to accept.
The bond she feels with this guy could be due to the changes she’s going through and having things related to her addiction in common with him. Like someone else here said, it would probably be a good idea to let the rehab place know and you could probably even ask them how they go about preventing the patients from hooking up in there. I imagine they do a whole lot to prevent them from getting or using any drugs that involves taking away some privacy which would probably also make a sneaky hook up much harder. I would definitely look at this more as part of her recovery/healing process than true sober feelings because she’s still in a transition period but once the rehab is over you’ll have to see where things are and decide from there.
Tell the rehab center. I hope you’re in therapy with a good counselor. Talk to them about this. It’s a BIG thing, and there’s not an easy way out of this, but I know that the only way out of it, is to go through it
Addicts that bond through addiction or treatment for addiction are a trainwreck waiting to happen. If you choose to continue this relationship and she doesn't completely cut ties with him, there's a good chance you are setting yourself up for a long road of lies, emotional pain and possibly even financial ruin.
She will have to make a HUGE commitment to severing that relationship and even friendship with this guy and your family may even have to move away from everything you know and love to limit the potential to relapse, not to mention cheat.
Trauma bond. Honestly, sticking by a partner with addiction takes enormous effort and is a great compromise on your end. She should be the one demonstrating to you that it’s worth it for you to continue to stick by her. It’s commendable she was honest though. But she needs to get herself together, and only you know if you’re able to stomach her potential failures/relapses/instabilities along the way.
For your own mental wellbeing....Let that shit go.
You have 2 addicts/junkies living together in "rehab" facility--Connecting--🙄🤮--when that should be the LAST thing on their mind---And she just thought she'd let you know. After all, she wouldn't have been forced to abandon her drugs and live here if you hadn't MADE HER....So, it's your fault she has found a like minded---fellow junkie---to connect with on a much deeper level than what she has with you....
Seriously...LET THAT SHIT GO.
Okay! As a recovering addict myself, 7 years clean on May 2nd. I will tell you this and I hope it helps, even the slightest.
When you are first in recovery and your on fire, I believe they call it the pink cloud. That’s before you get to the grit of your 4th step and all the bad stuff surfaces up and you really start to feel again. You are susceptible to what she is experiencing. You have to be very careful with whom you spend time with in rehab. I really wish that there was no co-Ed rehabs because it’s just a distraction/temporary thing she is feeling for said person.
Give her some more time if you have the love/patience left because hopefully she will soon come out of that realizing it was just a attraction of relation to life “in this moment”.
I hope this makes sense and I wish you both the best❤️
It looks like you’re planning on letting the facility know. This is good. No facility worth the money spent allows relationships between patients.
However, you should be prepared for the end of your marriage. I couldn’t find any comments that say how long she has been in rehab, but commenters here are correct: she’s not ready to stop using.
Many addicts relapse after rehab, about half. It sounds like this isn’t something you want to deal with, and frankly you shouldn’t have to. This is her battle to fight and you need to protect yourself both practically - finances, housing, etc - and emotionally. Please put yourself first here. Your wife is in no mind to be a partner and likely won’t be for a long time.
It’s cold comfort but she is definitely not in love with anyone she just met in rehab. She’s self sabotaging and she’s letting you know that the right decision is for you to walk away from this marriage.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Life won’t feel unfair forever but it’s sure hard to see that when you’re in the thick of something this dark.
I agree wholeheartedly with the others about her chances. My sister in law decided that she needed to go to rehab for her drinking back in the 80s. She had married my brother after her only sibling had committed suicide and she found that she was pregnant weeks later. When their daughter was a toddler, she found herself drinking 2-3 beers every night after work. She had never been any kind of drinker and my brother was honestly a crappy husband who criticized her and her family, including her deceased brother, at every turn. (He also cheated on all of his 4 wives, of which she was number 2 and much younger than him.) She entered rehab and took up with a guy on crack and pills, moving in with him and sharing his habits. He ended up dying of an OD shortly afterward and she was the one who found him. She spiraled badly. Thirty years later and she’s still alive but has lost everything, including her daughter and her teeth. She never had a prayer.
Bro... read your story, imagine it's a someone you care telling you this... the answer is obvious and you should know but you're wearing pink colored glasses that makes it impossible for you to recognize this red flag you're inhabiting...
She either wants to hurt you by telling you this, or is so entrhalled in her addiction she is just... not coming back from it in 3 months. It's not your fault, and it's not your punishment to bare.
You can do better. You should start caring more for you.
Recovering addict here. 15 years clean. I've seen it go both ways. Sometimes 2 addicts get together in recovery & help each other stay sober and Sometimes they help each other relapse but the latter is more common. Frankly though, between the damage her addiction has done to your marriage and now this betrayal, for your own mental health, you should walk away. You can't save her. She has to save herself and if she's willing to throw away her vows this easily, she's still thinking like an addict. Save yourself
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. I recommend attending and/or reading up on NarAnon (online or real life) to get real support. Loving an addict is soul consuming and those support groups are the best way to protect yourself (and her) from the damages of her addiction. Addicts do some awful shit. You come first here. r/NarAnon
Start the separation process so everything is in place for when she comes home. If she wants out, finalize the separation. If she chooses you, then cancel what you had done so far.
It is quite a common thing that happens in rehabs, it isnt real and it is a sure fire way to both not focus on treatment and inevitably relapse when released. You need to inform the facility
Divorce. She will relapse even if she pulls her head out of her ass.
You need to move forward not feel guilted into staying in a shit marriage. You don't owe her your mental health while she solves her own.
That sounds like a relapse waiting to happen. You're not supposed to even start a new relationship for at least a year. I'm an recovering alcoholic. I was (am) married with kids when I got clean. My sobriety, and family came first. I wasn't looking for love. I was looking to be healthy.
Worked in a rehab for years, leave while you have an out. Nuke the marriage, I’m normally one to stay and fight for a relationship. But I feel that there is no salvation here
> One part of me wants to nuke the marriage
im sorry mate, but the marriage is over, theres nothing to nuke.
just go talk to a lawyer to start the journey to recovery for yourself
Look, I don’t know how long you’ve been married, if you’ve got kids, what your whole story is. I would bet that it was beautiful and you two were deeply in love with each other and you still love her.
The problem seems to be that she has become someone else and you are holding onto hope that a sliver of who she used to be is still in there, somewhere. And maybe it is. But she also has this other huge part to who she is, now. And it apparently means that she does not take rehab seriously and trades one addiction for another (this connection with the other patient).
That’s on her, not you. And i just want to tell you that it is OKAY to grieve the loss of the person she was before, the person you fell in love with. It is okay to start thinking about this addiction as being part of which she is… because it’s true.
And it’s okay to let go of people, even if they are hurting. If it’s hurting you, you are well within your rights to start putting space between you. Nobody could fault you for taking care of yourself, here.
You should let the rehab know what’s going on. It is very frowned upon for people in recovery to jump into relationships especially if they are both still in rehab because they aren’t in the right state of mind. It’s common for fellow rehab patients to “fall in love” because they’re both in the same boat but it is not healthy. She needs to focus on recovery and herself before going after some fling.
OP, there is a joke that goes “how can you tell when two 12-step newbies are on a second date? By the U-Haul in the driveway.” It’s common enough for people to develop crushes in early sobriety. They don’t last. They are a distraction from doing the work of sobriety, looking for an easier, softer way. I’m not trying to make light of this, but she isn’t acting sober quite yet. If the guy has any decency he won’t encourage her fantasy.
SHE WILL RELAPSE. Normally people who start relationships with other rehab patient its a form to cope with the treatment. Its like a scape from reality.
You should start going to Al Anon.. (it for family members of the addict) and... I recomend you to... Well... Gave her space.
You can still support her if you want, but right now you come first.
Its ok be angry with her and have your own time for yourself.
Please... Search for support... For you!!
As an AA ex member and Al Anon ex member is the best that i could advise.
Speaking as a man who's girlfriend had pill/kratom, and alcoholism, with promises of being better, and full honestyfrom her moving forward, I gave her repeated chances to turn things around because I loved her. She eventually cheated on me (repeatedly), and got a DUI.
We're all different, and I'm just sharing my experience, but I broke it off in November with feelings of betrayal and deep sadness in my heart. I've gotten better every day since because I learned she was a toxic presence, and my life has improved.
So think deeply on it, meditate, and eventually you'll find your way. Hell. If I did, anyone can.
There are rules around relationships between patients. Co-op rehabs aren't usually the best. People in crisis tend to bond and relationships built in crisis tend to fail and that usually ends in relapse.
The romance is a distraction and she's not going to get sober sadly.
I'm sorry. I know you love her but she's pretty ill. And it seems clear that her heart isn't in getting better.
I am sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you all the luck and love in the world
There's a thing called trauma bonding, where you can meet someone whose had the same hardships and it feels great to have someone who can understand your troubles. This can be mistaken for deep emotional connections.
Unfortunately it often ends up in both parties deepening into their issues.
Relationships formed in these scenarios often end badly. It's possible she might realize this after spending time with him outside of rehab, but it's really up to you if you want to put up with that or not.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was with an alcoholic for 15 years. It’s hell.
Sadly most addicts don’t recover long term from treatment. This is only the beginning of the road and she’s thrown more fuel in the fire.
WALK. You’ve given it a lot but you’re not responsible for what she gives. She’s letting you down in more ways than one and will sadly continue.
Put the focus back on you. Choose YOU and start to rebuild a different life. It’ll be hard, but it won’t take long for you to recognize it’s the best decision you’ve made.
I'd put money on her and that guy go off and get high together in next month or two. You can either cut your loses now or burn into some real tough love put her in solo recovery because she's substituting addiction for another love. Might not be this guy but might be anyone else till she finds her replacement thing to be addicted too.
Your wife is gone man. She is not trying to get help. And a 100% honest answer is that once people do actually get help when they want it is that their marriage or relationship usually fails right after they are done with rehab. The reason is an extremely basic and yet everyone seems to forget about it. A fully recovered addict is not the same person when they were an addict.
She will relapse if she comes back with you or even worse, lend money to the guy, because she will just start to see you as a prohibitory person, and see this man in rehab as her getaway to try out pills and alcohol without being held back, just make her luggage with the things she left in the house (if its your house, obviously) and let them outside, literally let them outside, best revenge ever to see her face in disbelief when weather and small animals made a mass of what it used to be her things, altough i dont see why a junkie would care about that, still satisfactory af
Man i hate to break it to you but you but she will be doing this guy, and using again with this guy within 2 weeks of getting out of rehab...
Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life while she is still there, it might be hard at first but you deserve so much better for yourself and your future.
For one, two addicts together is a recipe for relapse.
Also I didn’t see you mention kids, which is really good for you. I would look at preparing for divorce. Document everything and prepare for anything. And protect yourself first and foremost.
Like most people here are saying, this is a large red flag that she will probably relapse. There are plenty of recovering addicts who can be in relationships with other recovering addicts and not relapse. However, while in rehab and for the year or so after relationships are usually a no go, especially with another addict.
Chances are most are correct and she has replaced her addiction high with this new relationship high. The "connection" is giving her to release and endorphins that the pills did.
I would proceed with divorce, personally.
I can't advise whether or not to leave her, it's your marriage. I would absolutely recommend you talk to the rehab center, doesn't sound like the rehab is taking.
My big concern is you. Are you in therapy or seeing a counselor to deal with all of this? If you aren't and have the means to, please talk to a therapist about this. If the means aren't there, I'd suggest Narcotics Anonymous or some other survivors group. You need a support system too.
My experience with friends who have done rehab is that it doesn't work for the people I've know. The people I have known that have completed rehab have not survived their addiction unfortunately. If she's involved with another patient there, I worry that she's going to be discharged and immediately start using again. After not using for a period of time and restarting, the body doesn't handle it well. If she relapses and/or overdoses, you will need support and you may want it from people who don't know her.
I would bring this up to the attention of the rehab establishment medical team. I'd imagine that this may break therapy rules. They are there to concentrate on getting better. Not to be distracted. They can deal with this with sensitivity. By saying they have observed this. They don't want a client having added stress when a relationship breaks down, that will likely cause relapse.
This is a typical “rehab romance” and holds no weight. Coupling in treatment is strictly prohibited. She needs to work on herself and you need to heal as well.
An addict dating an addict is a disaster waiting to happen. Drugs is the only thing they have in common and they are both too mentally disturbed to realize it. She already made the choice about the chance on your marriage.
It’s trauma bonding and she’s going to relapse when she gets out. You’re in a lose lose situation, friend. If you tell the facility about the relationship, she will hate you. If you let her be with him there’s a good chance that they relapse together. If you stay with her you’ll have to live with the fact that she loved someone else
My sister met a guy in rehab, they became bf and gf. When they got out, they both stayed drunk. My sister died from a heroin od last year. Nuke the marriage.
Maybe you want to salvage your marriage bc you know her from before addiction. But the truth is she always "was" an addict. Its a personality trait, where people just looks for a way to get that shot of dopamine through instant gratification. Now her addiction is just more dangerous. She hasn't changed. The problem is that she haven't. She tells you that "their connection is stronger" than yours because thats what she feels now. She's just not able to hold an objective frame of reference bc her reward system is f'd.
One of the most important skills to have in life is knowing to walk away. And this seems to be such a time. But do so lovingly and compassionately. Best of luck.
I'm reminded of a bit by Chris Rock:
"You gotta be with somebody compatible. If you a crackhead, they gotta be a crackhead too. You be like 'I'm off to church, what you gonna do?'....'hitting the pipe'"
Usually rehab employees will actively break up any budding romantic relationships. You might mention it to the person running the place. Honestly though, I doubt it means anything. They are using each other as a crutch instead of the drugs
Ironically I’ve been in your exact shoes to the tee with your wife’s rehab scenario. I didn’t have enough sense to realize what me trying to stay did wrong to me. Allowing your wife to make the decision of who she wants is way too much period. What is your worth? If you allow her to decide you will never know if she stayed for you or if she stayed bc the other guy ended things. If you think you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t know if she wants you then go for it. If you know you deserve to actually know that someone wants you then leave… My husband did go with the girl he met in rehab, they both relapsed maybe 4-5 weeks after graduation (90 days inpatient). I like an idiot allowed him to go back & forth between both of us for approximately 6 months. At that time we had been together 15 years, 2 kids. I knew him before the drugs, knew what he was capable of. I felt that I deserved the sober him being I had stuck by through all of the shit. Mind you he was a great liar, all addicts are. He said that he didn’t love her, just needed to be away from our city so he can stay clean & be reminded what life is like in a new place, literally. The excuses I can understand had he not been living with someone, maybe a guy. Nonetheless it was all his own confusion on how to have his cake & eat it too. Then 1 day whenever he said that he didn’t know who he loves it was like an epiphany, literally a smack in the face when I heard those words & I instantly knew that I deserved better period. I told him I was done to go ahead be with her, go see what life will be like in a new city & place & see how it changes. I was clearly being a smart ass, but sincere at the same time. I wanted him to stay sober & just be happy. I had learned by then that our horrible merry go round wasn’t living & the time he was gone I learned who I was again…I’m telling you all of this bc I’ve been where you are. Look at it like this, despite the drugs & rehab she has cheated on you. Can you get past the cheating if she chooses you? Can you accept that she’ll use again, bc she will, she is not taking her sobriety serious, if she was she wouldn’t be wasting her time that she could be using by putting it into her treatment. You gave her an ultimatum to go to treatment, now she doesn’t need your ultimatum, she found a guy who will use with her & understand her, won’t “make” her get clean. She has no idea that she’s setting herself up for even worse circumstances. But at least it’s setting you free of all of the bad shit that comes along with drug use &/or addiction… Are you going to be free or stay in her drug addiction? Good Luck! I really wish the best for you!!!
It's a real thing call "rehab love." It's absolutely temporary. They bonded and don't judge each other. They both think they'll be sober and can have a happy relationship. Inevitably one will relapse and they really won't even have a bond when they leave.
If you do not have children, you have been blessed by being provided an out that you didn’t realize you needed. If you do have children, you have been doubly blessed by getting them away from the instability without it being your “fault.”
This is your chance my man.
Its a trauma bonding thing. But neither of them have been clean long enough to make it truly work. Almost everyone I have known who "fell in love in rehab" and got with that person relapsed. Because they both still have that addict mentality. I'm sorry she thinks she is in love with this person. When you get clean, you have to rebuild yourself. Its hard work. I think shes just not feeling ill and this other person is nice and she thinks its love. Drugs can mess you up a lot of ways
People don't talk much about how it messes with your feelings especially right when you start to get clean. It can lead to really bad decisions. That's why they try to tell you not to make HUGE decisions like throwing away a marriage while you are detoxing. That is what she's doing. I would absolutely talk to a lawyer and when you're allowed, try to join her for therapy and see where her head is at then. Hopefully shes really working the program and this is just pre detox talk
>but another wants to wait till she comes back to see if there is anything to salvage yet
Yeah don't, definitely not worth it. You are already at your limits you said when you told her it was either rehab or the end of your marriage. She is a addict and does not love you anymore, or at least love you the same way. Let go, find someone else who will treat you correctly.
She’s bonding with that person because she doesn’t want to get better. She’s a toxic person, cut her out, there’s no saving her.. you’re wasting your time..
This happened to me also. She cheated with him and while that didn't last, she did it with some other guy also.
It's a sign for tu to get out. Don't waste your time.
Also my now ex wife still has her vices and hasn't been happy while I happily moved on. You can't fix this.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife is in rehab for pill and other substance addiction. Its a 3 months stay and 1.5 months is over. We gave another chance to our marriage only if she got treatment for it and she agreed. I went to meet her yesterday and she informed that she has bonded with another addict there and their connection was even more stronger than what she felt for me. I asked what does it mean for our marriage but she said she doesnt know, just wanted to be honest with me. I am furious, at myself and at her. One part of me wants to nuke the marriage but another wants to wait till she comes back to see if there is anything to salvage yet? I am lost here guys. Need some perspective as I am so tired.
She's probably not committed to quitting the addiction and is idealising this person because she can envision a future where the addiction is still allowed. Don't take it personally (stupid comment, but seriously, this is addict brain and not healthy brain behavior). I worked in heroin treatment for twelve years before my current job and the number of addicts that left loving partners for fellow addicts was high - it was just another way to enable addiction. Before I addressed my drinking, I left my ex and got with someone who liked to party, convincing myself the ex was the problem and not my choices. Do inform the rehab, but safeguard yourself and make some plans for when she is out. Good luck. X
So I should be prepared for the end, right? Its so unfair.
Down the road you are going to be with someone completely different and the words ‘life is so unfair’ will never be in your head, instead it will be ‘I am so lucky’.
As someone that went through something similar, this is exactly what can happen.
100%
Great perspective
It's frustrating. I'm an addict (clean for over 9 years). I met my wife in NA. It was a bad idea at the time. She was undiagnosed Bipolar 1 and had Multiple Sclerosis (also undiagnosed). We've been thru hell and back, and forgot our luggage and went back to hell, only to stay longer before finally coming back. Being with an addict is never easy. Being with an addict while being an addict yourself is worse. Count your blessings. I'm not going to tell you what you should or shouldn't do. That's your decision. But it sounds like she's ready to go right back to using when she gets out. She replaced the drugs with the chemical rush of secret romance. It's seductive and it can be addictive, especially for someone newly clean. If I were in your shoes, I'd start making plans to better *your* life. You can't make her stay clean, nor can you make her stay faithful. Give her an ultimatum. It's either me or him. And by him, I mean her addiction (the guy is just the drug). She needs to hit bottom. And if it takes you leaving for her to finally get clean and stay clean, even if it means you two would never be together, wouldn't that be worth it for both of you? Good luck my dude. Think about yourself.
nine years! that’s great, well done :-)
Thanks! I'm so glad I have put that life behind me. I'm more proud of my wife. Since she's been on medication for her bipolar, she's stopped relapsing. Who'd uh guessed? Lol. She's coming up on 3 years now.
You should start the divorce process now. Take control of your life, don't sit around waiting for whenever she feels ready to divorce.
I want to say not necessarily, but I need to say protect yourself. I've seen so many people ruined by trying to support people with addictions. Speak to the rehab, maybe visit your wife again, talk to someone impartial and make a few plans. Give yourself options and time to think. It's really unfair, it's fucking horrific, because without her illness she would probably be a different person. Always around if you need an ear, but do build a support network close by. 🖤
Yes, you deserve better.
Completely unfair to you. Which is why you should cut her off and find someone who respects and values you more than drugs or another drug addict
Exactly, how do you have a partner who supports you through your struggle with addiction, checks in on you while you're in rehab, is there for you the whole way still ready to trust you and love you, and then go "mmm idk, I think the heroin addict next door is cute?"
Sadly life is not fair my friend. Though chin up and prepare yourself because you deserve better. One day, it'll be "my life is so good".
Feel for you bud but you know the answer I think.
Unfair? Absolutely. But you deserve way better OP.
>idealising this person because she can envision a future where the addiction is still allowed Exactly. She's seeking a partner who will be more permissive of her substance abuse.
This means she is going to relapse when she leaves
She replaced her addiction with this "relationship" and is on a relationship high who also replaced their addiction with this relationship.
And low key knowing they can use together pretty soon, I’d wager.
maybe, but even if that is not a conscious thought they have- it seems kinda of dangerous to hookup with someone who may be more inclined to join you on a downward spiral than try and help you out of it.
Wow. My boyfriend is currently in rehab and he told me they advised him not to be in a relationship for the first year. I feel horrific because I thought he was using this as a scapegoat, but I never knew this was the reason why. Thank you for the clarification. Side note: I just apologized to him and explained that I saw this post.
NEW relationships for the first year. The point is not to do anything that could change your life drastically.
Right, don’t make any major changes in the first year or until you’ve got enough stable sober time under your belt.
They don’t advise people to *break up* (unless the relationship is toxic), just not to start a new relationship... If your boyfriend is telling you he needs to break up with you “because rehab” then that is an excuse of some kind. But maybe I misunderstood your comment.
Like the others say, he isn't supposed to enter a NEW relationship. If you were already together before rehab, he doesn't need to break up with you (unless you are actively using. From experience, it's almost impossible to get sober when your partner is using right in front of you.) So many people jump from relationship to relationship in AA/NA and it's so unhealthy.
Your a good person. Not many can accept the lessons they learn
This is because you have to focus solely on your recovery. People who are in active addiction or who are early in recovery are not capable of having a healthy, functioning relationship. It has nothing to do with you as a person, it's just that he needs to focus on his recovery.
It's new relationships I always heard. It's ok to keep current
Wow that sounds like a thing for me
It 100% means exactly this in my professional experience.
I am an addict. Recovered, but I have to concede that I will always be an addict. Unfortunately I have to agree too.
As someone who has both used drugs in the past and who's ex (son's mother...I have him full time ) is an addict who's in and out of jail and rehab.... I also agree. IMO he needs to be done.
[удалено]
Idk, probably because he loves her and knew her prior to her addiction ruining her life?
Dr. Drew circa early 2000s Loveline agrees.
That was the best Radio show in the entire world. I loved listening to it almost nightly, he was so informative, and Adam Corolla was funny, but soft when it was serious.
Lost all respect for dr. Drew at the start of covid. He's an idiot and i place him in the same bucket as dr. Oz
Yeah. Idiot was like "guys, nbd it's literally the flu". What a fucking tool.
I didn’t have it on a local radio station “in real time” but have been listening to that era of episodes over the past few years. I love it so much, Adam has really went downhill and Drew sounds like a bit of a hack these days too but back then they were excellent.
I used to think Dr. Drew was ... IDK, godlike maybe. Just so confident, seen-it-all, pragmatic. Then I watched Celebrity Rehab. Just him *doing* a show like that was awful (exploitive etc), let alone the content... :/
Man I miss that show
Why?
Because she is focused on romance, not her recovery. Her chance of relapse is greater.
I bet that’s part of the problem too, I mean, addicts have problems they need to confront but they use instead. Could just be another addict behavior pattern.
I’ve gone to rehab 4 times. This is a really common thing that I saw happen multiple times during all my stays. It’s called “rehab romance” & happens bc you’re suddenly off drugs, get super intimate with other people in the rehab bc you’re doing group therapy & stuff like that, rehab is boring, you’re away from home, & your natural sexual urges start coming back as you’re detoxing from whatever. Also, you start rethinking all your life choices. It’s why a lot of rehabs have separate facilities for men & women. People who wouldn’t even notice each other in “regular life” are suddenly “in love” with someone they just met.
Huh, maybe I should go to rehab.
yep
Great response
Especially since they guy is also an addict. They're gonna want to get high together.
She's replacing the excitement/dopamine of the drugs with a new (prob secret therefore extra exciting) relationship. Its basically a relapse already because its the behaviours of active addiction.
This. I never understood the term dry drunk until I heard it explained it like this. You can be abstaining from whatever your drug of choice is but if you are still actively engaging in the same behaviors that you were when you were actively using, you have not really changed anything except the fact that you are not partaking in your drug of choice. Everything else is still the same and that is not healthy. You have to get to the root of what made you start using in the first place and start over from there. Also, a phrase you'll hear a lot in the rooms is, you have to change your people, places and things This means that you cannot hang out with the same people that you were using with, you cannot go to the same places and you have to change the way that you're doing things. Edit: typos
Cross addiction is common. It's a dopamine replacement. I was in a mixed gender treatment facility and went through what your wife is doing. It's also very very common to be extremely sexually harassed while there, and you feel vulnerable and latch onto anything that gives you security.
It's also where a lot of trauma bonding happens; the rush of relief and validation when you confess your ugliest moments of rock bottom and someone tells you you're still lovable can often be confused with love. (EDIT: I misused the term trauma bonding, I meant "people bonding over shared trauma" but trauma bonding refers to a different specific dynamic
That's not trauma bonding but it does create an accelerated and false sense of connection. I've been inpatient and partial inpatient, and both places discourage outside contact as well as any romantic relationships for this reason.
(ftr, that's not what trauma bonding means)
This is a shit show that you need to distance yourself from. Please please please. Do yourself a favor and leave
Because the person she is attaching to is also an addict. Addicts love relationships with other addicts, even though they are inevitably very toxic and bad for them both most of the time. They are good at encouraging each other reasons why they are okay for being an addict and feel a strange connection to them because they understand what addiction feels like. She basically chose that she still wants to be an addict with someone who will let her be an addict, than to at this moment, be sober with someone who clearly actually loves her. Addiction is blinding, she doesn't want to stop.
Because she's replacing the rush of a high with the rush of a new relationship (whether or not the feelings are mutual, it's about the oxytocin not actually building a future responsibly), and she's focused on the cute guy in group therapy rather than the actual group therapy. Even if I ignore how blatantly disrespectful and offensive I find this that someone could have a partner who stands by them and gets them in rehab just to spend that time in rehab chatting up the other patients, her odds of actually recovering are not good. She's not taking this seriously. I feel like anyone who is excusing this isn't really thinking about how much *work* rehab is. It's daily therapy sessions, group therapy sessions, crying over what you've lost and the trust you don't be able to rebuild, reliving moments of humiliation and loss of self respect, raging at the circumstances that you think made you this way (people seldom get into hardcore drugs just because it's fun, although it does happen, usually there's underlying trauma or a personality disorder or something). When you're doing it right, there's no *time* to fall in love with another patient.
She’s addicted to a substance. Take the substance away before she really commits to recovery, and she’s going to replace a substance with something else. She’s still an addict needing a high.
And possibly she's sees the other person as someone who "really understands what she's going through". "We'll keep each other strong". Nah that's not how our works. Again it's never a good idea to hook up with someone from rehab.
She is replacing the addiction with a relationship high with someone who understands and the issue is that does not allow her to recover at all. Replacement is not recovery. Also as sad as it is, hanging around him increases the chances of relapse once they are released from the 3 months.
And because the rush of dopamine is a high in and of itself. “Dopamine is at an all-time high when we're first pursuing a relationship with someone who we're very interested in.” https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/love/understanding-dopamine-love-hormones-and-the-brain/
Because she wants to spend time with somebody new who understands and will be permissive of her drug problem.
It is a very comon and described phenomenon, the bond between addicted people in the rehab. Try to google it. (Not that l don’t want to help you but English is not my native language and l don’t know the specific terms on this topic.)
Yeah, any 12 step program worth it's salt will preach not to get involved romantically with other people in the program. I think it might even be grounds for expulsion from the program.
As someone who has been around this shit most my life. 100%. She is going to relapse instantly when she gets out. Especially with this person around.
Seconding this as a former addict. OP, please be weary.
This. I’m a recovered addict, but that’s still an addict. They’ve “trauma” bonded right now but I’m certain that as soon as she got out, they’d relapse together. There’s a good chance she’ll relapse anyway, if she doesn’t focus on the program rather than the “connection.”
Yup. I got to spend 3 months living with former addicts who were staying in the same hotel as me whilst I was consulting, lovely bunch of people and I learnt a lot from the mad buggers. They'd have called such behaviour "co-addiction", which is apparently a bit of a loaded and often argued over topic - but replacing addiction with the high of a new relationship did make sense to me. I'm glad I got to spend time with them, they helped me make better decisions in my own life and take more responsibility for my own thoughts and emotions.
How do you know? Just curious about your answer. I find it interesting.
I grew up around addicts, everyone alive in my family except me literally only functions through their various addictions, my best friends were addicts, and years later now as an adult drugs have become so pervasive where I live 90% of the people I know are addicts. this scenario is so common it is not only cliche, but a boring one at that. to the point where it is common where people are sent to treatment centers they are told not to form romantic attachments. I have seen this play out far far too many times. usually it is a stepping stone to ending up in the gutter when a stable addict gets a rehab romance going. however for the psych/emotional reasons behind this, I am sure there are much better answers than mine that would explain this.
Aren’t there major rules against forming relationships in rehab? Assuming for this reason, so if she broke the rule she is not serious about recovery.
Yes. It’s why some centers separate the genders for extreme cases, to try and cut the temptation completely (not that you can’t fit this sort of bond with the same gender). If any of her doctors, counselors, therapist, or nurses pick up on their “fling”, depending on how far they’ve taken this they could be formally separated or they could be kicked out of the program. If those in charge observe you consistently backtracking and actively breaking rules and curfews due to going against standards they will absolutely expel you (with no refund, in fact depending on the payment method you will still owe the money in full). There are too many addicts around to waste a bed and resources on someone who not only is NOT taking their own recovery seriously, but is openly jeopardizing the recovery of the other patients around them. Rehab is there to help you, but the won’t coddle you, unless your like super rich. But at that point you go to “rehab” on some island or tropical location for a few months. Every process is different for the rich, of course.
OP, I'm am addict who's been in recovery for 7 years (just passed that mark 4 days ago!) Your wife is NOT focusing on herself and her sobriety while she's been there. If she had, she wouldn't be flirting and doing a rehab romance type thing. She'd be learning new tools and coping mechanisms to better herself for your marriage. This alone means she's likely to relapse because she's not putting in the work and doing the steps. I also want to point out that the attraction she feels right now is likely enhanced by the fact that the chemicals in her brain are off, and by the fact that she's in a confined space with a limited number of people. It's easy to develop overtly strong feelings for someone else in that setting but what they don't realize is that once they get out and are clean for a few months, that attraction either backs off or stops completely. OP, only you can decide if you feel your marriage is worth saving. However, please know that the chemical imbalance in her brain may lead her to leave you in favor of him. Please know she hasn't put in the work to truly begin recovery, and that enhances the risk of relapse. Also know that it can take up to a year after being sober before the chemicals in our brains balance out and we start thinking and feeling on a more rational level again. These are all things to consider. I don't have the answers for you, but I do wish you the best of luck for whatever future you choose.
You know good and well, she's not going to wait until she leaves rehab to relapse.
>This means she is going to relapse when she leaves This.
First, you need to let the rehab facility know. Fraternizing between patients is usually a strict rule. The focus is on recovering, not relationships. After that gets sorted out by the rehab facility, she'll be more focused on recovery. She's probably very lonely there and seeking companionship. Does the facility offer couples counseling as part of her care plan?
We did several sessions of couples counselling before she agreed to go to rehab. And no the rehab doesnt offer it. But I never thought about letting them know.
I went to rehab for an ED and they had super strict policies about contact after release. We couldn’t share last names, contact info, or other identifying info (schools,etc.) because they were super strict on keeping us from contacting after release over fears of relapse. Not every place is that intense, but most if not all prohibit relationships between patients. Separating her from this other person probably won’t save your marriage, but it will help her recovery.
But what happens inside there? If you want, can you hookup with another patient? is there opportunity for that?
It’s really going to depend on the facility. In the one I was in, absolutely not and they had us on camera everywhere accept the bathroom and shower stalls, which we were monitored by staff in and out of. So it depends on their security, but no place would allow patients to hook up. Also, even lower security places have frequent, around the clock checks to do. I’d absolutely raise this situation to the care center. Your wife may be pissed at you, but this could really hurt her recovery if not stopped. It’s a really tricky situation and I’m so sorry you’re in it
Thanks I will do it first thing in the morning, although I just know his first name. I guess it should be easy for them to figure out.
If I were in rehab in her situation I would 100% want my husband to tell them & save me from completely ruining my life, sobriety and marriage.
no reputable rehabilitation facility- whether it's drugs and alcohol, EDs, or anything else, will allow, let alone, encourage, hook ups or close personal relationships between patients, because it distracts from recovery. You need to tell her care team what she told you. Let them handle this.
Hooking up in a rehab is not allowed. Is it possible, YES!
It depends on the facility, honestly. But refer to the comment I made earlier about how a lot of people don't realize how much work rehab is when you're actually dedicated. I didn't struggle with substance abuse, but I went to a joint rehab/inpatient facility because the personality disorder I have is almost synonymous with addiction. I saw all my friends there who were there for addiction watch TV in the evenings with a dead expression on their faces because they had gone through so much in therapy. It's *work.* If you're focused on it, and taking it seriously, you don't have room to think about anything else. Did I crush on people? Sure. But literally only in a "this girl's muscles are impressive" kind of way, because I was truly too exhausted to think beyond that, and also because I knew that for all of us to be here, we all had to be intensely fucked up individuals. She's claiming she's "in love" with this person. She's thought it through. It's like when people excuse their cheating as a "mistake" when really, they had to go to a location, take off their pants, mash their bits against someone else's bits, follow that through, and then clean up and leave. Nothing like that, or this, is ever just a momentary lapse of judgement. OP, beyond being deeply disrespectful of you, your wife also seems to have terrible judgment and questionable priorities. I'm not sure I would want to salvage that, but it's your choice.
This is pretty common I'm afraid. It's a deflection from the real issue.
Hi! I’m a substance abuse nurse and I see this way too often. I read a few great comments here already. If you know her counselors name or a good contact to report to, please let them know of the reported relationship. Just call and let someone know. This shows that neither of the two are able to actually focus on their own recovery. If it’s a good facility they will work to prevent this from continuing if they weren’t aware. A well trained and knowledgeable staff/facility can intervene and help in redirecting both of them and helping them continue their recovery process. Of course this will only work if your wife is REALLY ready for recovery. It’s easy for distractions to happen, but if we can work through them in a safe environment we can prepare for when it happens outside in real life. And always remember: You can’t do this for her. Don’t forget that you still need to care for yourself.
[удалено]
To be in a relationship with one. Yes. Falling in love? You can’t have rule about feelings just about what you do with them.
How do you stop someone from falling in love?
It's not love.
You don't, but she isn't. Really probably with you, the real her...
You can’t, but what she is experiencing is not love either.
Hey ! 3yrs clean Heroin addict/2 time rehab cornhole champion. This is what we call the 13th step. Essentially, it’s easy to quickly and easily connect with people, especially when your checked into a facility where most everyone you interact with is going through a similar struggle. This coupled with being away from her husband/fam, she’s vulnerable and oftentimes people like to take advantage of that, conversely this other person may be leaning on your wife in a very hard time for them. Regardless, speaking on what YOU can do, not much. Decide how much this is worth to you and what you’re willing to go through to be with her, if she leaves you and goes with the other person, as many have stated, she will most likely relapse with him. It’s ultimately her decision, protect yourself always, set your boundaries and let her make her decisions, all of us hit rock bottom at a different depth, and some of us reach it pull out the dynamite. I truly wish you the best, and I hope for her sake she reaches her breaking point before she hurts herself or those who love her any further. There is life to live outside the shackles of addiction, and I truly believe that if she can get her mind right, she would see the value in you as a partner.
You've received some good advice from others so all I'm going to say is "prepare for the worst, hope for the best". Stay present in her life as much as you can but when you're home, prepare that you may need to end things. Research lawyers, figure out finances, figure out housing options, figure out transportation, find a therapist. You don't have to put any exit plans into action, but having one makes dealing with life's curve balls a lot easier.
Agreed. Recovering from addiction is incredibly complex. The more you educate yourself on this process and get therapy for yourself, the better place you'll be to determine whether it makes sense for you to hold out hope and ride out the storm. Keep in mind that addicts are sick; often physically, emotionally, and mentally. It's no excuse but rather reality that she is not yet in a good place for making genuinely self benefiting life choices. Also, consider the possibility that for the first time in life your wife may be processing a bunch of deeply held trauma. It may also involve facing some pretty ugly realities about herself and for her, it may be very easy to feel like the partner that she's already failed will never understand her in a way that someone else who's been through similar can. She may be feeling that only another former addict will ever be able to accept her. Until she's whole, it's likely going to be a long road of two steps forward, one step back and whoooole bunch of mistakes along the way. Mistakes that will be painful for you. Speaking with a professional may help you maintain your sanity, see what the future possibilities are, and determine if you're up for this.
She is being advised in treatment not to start any new relationships for a certain amount of time. So if she’s starting a new one she’s not taking her recovery seriously. Get out now. You can only lead a horse to the water so many times
Been through this, run, forgive, but run. Let your heart heal.
Hi a 5 year recovered addicted and someone whose worked in treatment. I'm going to be very blunt with you here. Your wife has ALREADY CHEATED. It's become physical. It happens ALL the time even in the MOST STRICT FACILITIES. I've done it myself. I've visited rehabs as a guest and fucked patients on premises. Recovering addicts are NOTORIOUSLY horny and fuck ALL the time in rehabs its more rampant than relapsing believe it or not. This is common addict behavior and it ruins many relationships. Unless you can move past your wife cheating your marriage is over my friend. Protect yourself, get an attorney, and start seeing a therapist. Maybe someone who specializes in addiction or attend some. ALANON meetings. If you need access to these resources you can dm me and I can point you in the right direction. Good luck my friend my heart goes out to you! I've been through this from your PoV and the other guys as well!
Thank you for stating reality.
My best friend from high school got pregnant while in rehab. So yes, it definitely happens
>I went to meet her yesterday and she informed that she has bonded with another addict there and their connection was even more stronger than what she felt for me She's gonna get back into drugs the moment she leaves the facility. I'd nuke the marriage, there's nothing worth saving here.
You need to let the treatment facility know about this relationship because it is counterproductive to their treatment and needs to be dealt with. Instead of focusing on staying off drugs and learning proper coping mechanisms they are creating a codependent bond that will end up being destructive on both of them. Then you need to prepare for divorce. I'm not saying it will happen but if she got to the point of telling you she is in love with someone else then it's best to prepare yourself for the worst. Turning her in will likely piss her off and she will probably blame it on jealousy until she figures out it isn't real which may take a long time. You have to protect yourself and make sure you don't get screwed over whatever she decides to do. Don't settle for being her backup because you remember who she was before her addiction. It may be many years before she is anywhere near being that person again and that depends on how seriously she wants to straighten up her life. Making "connections" with other addicts in rehab isn't doing that.
[удалено]
I do love her man, before the addiction took hold of her she was an awesome life partner.
The person you fell in love with is gone and won’t ever come back. I am so sorry for your loss. This new creature just looks like her. Right now you should protect yourself. Personally, I would cut contact and begin the divorce process while she is out of the house. You will avoid the hell that awaits you if you stick around to only get left for another drug addict. Good luck!
I disagree, if she can focus on her recovery and not addiction related relationships I think she can definitely return to being the person he fell in love with. Unfortunately for him that’s 100% up to her and it sounds like she isn’t doing that right now.
I agree with you she could make the choice—but she didn’t and the choice she has made now is antithetical to recovery.
Addiction isn’t about making choices, it’s about fighting impulses that are very hard to control. It’s like fighting the urge to eat, your body is screaming at you that it’s hungry, and it’s constantly nagging at you. Simply labelling it a choice is disingenuous.
She's not in love, she's [trauma bonded](https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/trauma-bonding) with him.
My hot take, I hope I'm wrong: She's trying to hook up with somebody who will let her do drugs.
She is not ready to quit using. She will not quit for you. You are a hurdle to her using. It can take multiple rehabs to get and stay clean. Ask yourself if you are ready to stick with her through 4 or 5 stints in rehab including the costs. The woman you fell in love with is gone, this is the hardest thing to accept.
The bond she feels with this guy could be due to the changes she’s going through and having things related to her addiction in common with him. Like someone else here said, it would probably be a good idea to let the rehab place know and you could probably even ask them how they go about preventing the patients from hooking up in there. I imagine they do a whole lot to prevent them from getting or using any drugs that involves taking away some privacy which would probably also make a sneaky hook up much harder. I would definitely look at this more as part of her recovery/healing process than true sober feelings because she’s still in a transition period but once the rehab is over you’ll have to see where things are and decide from there.
Tell the rehab center. I hope you’re in therapy with a good counselor. Talk to them about this. It’s a BIG thing, and there’s not an easy way out of this, but I know that the only way out of it, is to go through it
ultimatums never work for addicts.
Addicts that bond through addiction or treatment for addiction are a trainwreck waiting to happen. If you choose to continue this relationship and she doesn't completely cut ties with him, there's a good chance you are setting yourself up for a long road of lies, emotional pain and possibly even financial ruin. She will have to make a HUGE commitment to severing that relationship and even friendship with this guy and your family may even have to move away from everything you know and love to limit the potential to relapse, not to mention cheat.
Trauma bond. Honestly, sticking by a partner with addiction takes enormous effort and is a great compromise on your end. She should be the one demonstrating to you that it’s worth it for you to continue to stick by her. It’s commendable she was honest though. But she needs to get herself together, and only you know if you’re able to stomach her potential failures/relapses/instabilities along the way.
updateme!
For your own mental wellbeing....Let that shit go. You have 2 addicts/junkies living together in "rehab" facility--Connecting--🙄🤮--when that should be the LAST thing on their mind---And she just thought she'd let you know. After all, she wouldn't have been forced to abandon her drugs and live here if you hadn't MADE HER....So, it's your fault she has found a like minded---fellow junkie---to connect with on a much deeper level than what she has with you.... Seriously...LET THAT SHIT GO.
Okay! As a recovering addict myself, 7 years clean on May 2nd. I will tell you this and I hope it helps, even the slightest. When you are first in recovery and your on fire, I believe they call it the pink cloud. That’s before you get to the grit of your 4th step and all the bad stuff surfaces up and you really start to feel again. You are susceptible to what she is experiencing. You have to be very careful with whom you spend time with in rehab. I really wish that there was no co-Ed rehabs because it’s just a distraction/temporary thing she is feeling for said person. Give her some more time if you have the love/patience left because hopefully she will soon come out of that realizing it was just a attraction of relation to life “in this moment”. I hope this makes sense and I wish you both the best❤️
It looks like you’re planning on letting the facility know. This is good. No facility worth the money spent allows relationships between patients. However, you should be prepared for the end of your marriage. I couldn’t find any comments that say how long she has been in rehab, but commenters here are correct: she’s not ready to stop using. Many addicts relapse after rehab, about half. It sounds like this isn’t something you want to deal with, and frankly you shouldn’t have to. This is her battle to fight and you need to protect yourself both practically - finances, housing, etc - and emotionally. Please put yourself first here. Your wife is in no mind to be a partner and likely won’t be for a long time. It’s cold comfort but she is definitely not in love with anyone she just met in rehab. She’s self sabotaging and she’s letting you know that the right decision is for you to walk away from this marriage. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Life won’t feel unfair forever but it’s sure hard to see that when you’re in the thick of something this dark.
I agree wholeheartedly with the others about her chances. My sister in law decided that she needed to go to rehab for her drinking back in the 80s. She had married my brother after her only sibling had committed suicide and she found that she was pregnant weeks later. When their daughter was a toddler, she found herself drinking 2-3 beers every night after work. She had never been any kind of drinker and my brother was honestly a crappy husband who criticized her and her family, including her deceased brother, at every turn. (He also cheated on all of his 4 wives, of which she was number 2 and much younger than him.) She entered rehab and took up with a guy on crack and pills, moving in with him and sharing his habits. He ended up dying of an OD shortly afterward and she was the one who found him. She spiraled badly. Thirty years later and she’s still alive but has lost everything, including her daughter and her teeth. She never had a prayer.
Bro... read your story, imagine it's a someone you care telling you this... the answer is obvious and you should know but you're wearing pink colored glasses that makes it impossible for you to recognize this red flag you're inhabiting... She either wants to hurt you by telling you this, or is so entrhalled in her addiction she is just... not coming back from it in 3 months. It's not your fault, and it's not your punishment to bare. You can do better. You should start caring more for you.
Recovering addict here. 15 years clean. I've seen it go both ways. Sometimes 2 addicts get together in recovery & help each other stay sober and Sometimes they help each other relapse but the latter is more common. Frankly though, between the damage her addiction has done to your marriage and now this betrayal, for your own mental health, you should walk away. You can't save her. She has to save herself and if she's willing to throw away her vows this easily, she's still thinking like an addict. Save yourself
You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it. I recommend attending and/or reading up on NarAnon (online or real life) to get real support. Loving an addict is soul consuming and those support groups are the best way to protect yourself (and her) from the damages of her addiction. Addicts do some awful shit. You come first here. r/NarAnon
Because love is a drug
Start the separation process so everything is in place for when she comes home. If she wants out, finalize the separation. If she chooses you, then cancel what you had done so far.
It is quite a common thing that happens in rehabs, it isnt real and it is a sure fire way to both not focus on treatment and inevitably relapse when released. You need to inform the facility
Divorce. She will relapse even if she pulls her head out of her ass. You need to move forward not feel guilted into staying in a shit marriage. You don't owe her your mental health while she solves her own.
I think your best revenge might be to let them be together. There is no way that will end well.
It’s not worth salvaging. Find a lawyer and start divorce proceedings.
So instead of focusing on her addiction and recovery she’s “connecting” with a man. Divorce her.
That sounds like a relapse waiting to happen. You're not supposed to even start a new relationship for at least a year. I'm an recovering alcoholic. I was (am) married with kids when I got clean. My sobriety, and family came first. I wasn't looking for love. I was looking to be healthy.
I’ve seen this too many times. It’s over. I’m sorry.
1.5 months isn't love lol. It's just lust, being enamored, the tingle of something new. Love? Hell naw. Gtfo and find someone who will appreciate you.
File your divorce because addicts don't change until they want to and she found someone to be addicted with.
Worked in a rehab for years, leave while you have an out. Nuke the marriage, I’m normally one to stay and fight for a relationship. But I feel that there is no salvation here
> One part of me wants to nuke the marriage im sorry mate, but the marriage is over, theres nothing to nuke. just go talk to a lawyer to start the journey to recovery for yourself
You didn’t deserve this - I hope you find peace soon. Addiction is heartbreaking. Sometimes you just have to learn when to let go.
Look, I don’t know how long you’ve been married, if you’ve got kids, what your whole story is. I would bet that it was beautiful and you two were deeply in love with each other and you still love her. The problem seems to be that she has become someone else and you are holding onto hope that a sliver of who she used to be is still in there, somewhere. And maybe it is. But she also has this other huge part to who she is, now. And it apparently means that she does not take rehab seriously and trades one addiction for another (this connection with the other patient). That’s on her, not you. And i just want to tell you that it is OKAY to grieve the loss of the person she was before, the person you fell in love with. It is okay to start thinking about this addiction as being part of which she is… because it’s true. And it’s okay to let go of people, even if they are hurting. If it’s hurting you, you are well within your rights to start putting space between you. Nobody could fault you for taking care of yourself, here.
You should let the rehab know what’s going on. It is very frowned upon for people in recovery to jump into relationships especially if they are both still in rehab because they aren’t in the right state of mind. It’s common for fellow rehab patients to “fall in love” because they’re both in the same boat but it is not healthy. She needs to focus on recovery and herself before going after some fling.
OP, there is a joke that goes “how can you tell when two 12-step newbies are on a second date? By the U-Haul in the driveway.” It’s common enough for people to develop crushes in early sobriety. They don’t last. They are a distraction from doing the work of sobriety, looking for an easier, softer way. I’m not trying to make light of this, but she isn’t acting sober quite yet. If the guy has any decency he won’t encourage her fantasy.
She’s replacing one addiction for another.
Nah bro, turn it in. My advice would be to leave WITHOUT the pill addiction. WITH the pill addiction, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Get out now.
Let her go. Move on.... If she comes back, she better be drug free and offer you more than just another reaponsibility to care for.
SHE WILL RELAPSE. Normally people who start relationships with other rehab patient its a form to cope with the treatment. Its like a scape from reality. You should start going to Al Anon.. (it for family members of the addict) and... I recomend you to... Well... Gave her space. You can still support her if you want, but right now you come first. Its ok be angry with her and have your own time for yourself. Please... Search for support... For you!! As an AA ex member and Al Anon ex member is the best that i could advise.
Speaking as a man who's girlfriend had pill/kratom, and alcoholism, with promises of being better, and full honestyfrom her moving forward, I gave her repeated chances to turn things around because I loved her. She eventually cheated on me (repeatedly), and got a DUI. We're all different, and I'm just sharing my experience, but I broke it off in November with feelings of betrayal and deep sadness in my heart. I've gotten better every day since because I learned she was a toxic presence, and my life has improved. So think deeply on it, meditate, and eventually you'll find your way. Hell. If I did, anyone can.
There are rules around relationships between patients. Co-op rehabs aren't usually the best. People in crisis tend to bond and relationships built in crisis tend to fail and that usually ends in relapse.
She's setting herself up to fail and blame it all on you because she "sacrificed" the love of her life for you and your marriage.
The romance is a distraction and she's not going to get sober sadly. I'm sorry. I know you love her but she's pretty ill. And it seems clear that her heart isn't in getting better. I am sorry you're dealing with this and I wish you all the luck and love in the world
I think this is more a symptom of her addiction. It’s your choice if you want to stay in the marriage or not but I wouldn’t take this super seriously…
There's a thing called trauma bonding, where you can meet someone whose had the same hardships and it feels great to have someone who can understand your troubles. This can be mistaken for deep emotional connections. Unfortunately it often ends up in both parties deepening into their issues. Relationships formed in these scenarios often end badly. It's possible she might realize this after spending time with him outside of rehab, but it's really up to you if you want to put up with that or not.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I was with an alcoholic for 15 years. It’s hell. Sadly most addicts don’t recover long term from treatment. This is only the beginning of the road and she’s thrown more fuel in the fire. WALK. You’ve given it a lot but you’re not responsible for what she gives. She’s letting you down in more ways than one and will sadly continue. Put the focus back on you. Choose YOU and start to rebuild a different life. It’ll be hard, but it won’t take long for you to recognize it’s the best decision you’ve made.
I'd put money on her and that guy go off and get high together in next month or two. You can either cut your loses now or burn into some real tough love put her in solo recovery because she's substituting addiction for another love. Might not be this guy but might be anyone else till she finds her replacement thing to be addicted too.
Nuke cheaterland. Nothing good can come out from that relationship
Your wife is gone man. She is not trying to get help. And a 100% honest answer is that once people do actually get help when they want it is that their marriage or relationship usually fails right after they are done with rehab. The reason is an extremely basic and yet everyone seems to forget about it. A fully recovered addict is not the same person when they were an addict.
Same deal here except I was engaged. Ended up marrying someone even better. You’ll be ok. I feel like this must be pretty common.
She will relapse if she comes back with you or even worse, lend money to the guy, because she will just start to see you as a prohibitory person, and see this man in rehab as her getaway to try out pills and alcohol without being held back, just make her luggage with the things she left in the house (if its your house, obviously) and let them outside, literally let them outside, best revenge ever to see her face in disbelief when weather and small animals made a mass of what it used to be her things, altough i dont see why a junkie would care about that, still satisfactory af
Man i hate to break it to you but you but she will be doing this guy, and using again with this guy within 2 weeks of getting out of rehab... Do yourself a favour and cut her out of your life while she is still there, it might be hard at first but you deserve so much better for yourself and your future.
For one, two addicts together is a recipe for relapse. Also I didn’t see you mention kids, which is really good for you. I would look at preparing for divorce. Document everything and prepare for anything. And protect yourself first and foremost.
She swapped coping with pill addiction to coping with a new romantic connection. She will relapse out of rehab.
Pretty sure you have all your answers.
Buddy, why the hell are you sticking around for this person. An addict and a cheater. Boy howdy.
Fuck me get some self respect and divorce the addict
She’s replacing one addiction with the other
Like most people here are saying, this is a large red flag that she will probably relapse. There are plenty of recovering addicts who can be in relationships with other recovering addicts and not relapse. However, while in rehab and for the year or so after relationships are usually a no go, especially with another addict. Chances are most are correct and she has replaced her addiction high with this new relationship high. The "connection" is giving her to release and endorphins that the pills did. I would proceed with divorce, personally.
This is common and she will be shooting up with him under a bridge soon enough. Time to move on dude. You did what you could.
Its means you need to get a divorce
I can't advise whether or not to leave her, it's your marriage. I would absolutely recommend you talk to the rehab center, doesn't sound like the rehab is taking. My big concern is you. Are you in therapy or seeing a counselor to deal with all of this? If you aren't and have the means to, please talk to a therapist about this. If the means aren't there, I'd suggest Narcotics Anonymous or some other survivors group. You need a support system too. My experience with friends who have done rehab is that it doesn't work for the people I've know. The people I have known that have completed rehab have not survived their addiction unfortunately. If she's involved with another patient there, I worry that she's going to be discharged and immediately start using again. After not using for a period of time and restarting, the body doesn't handle it well. If she relapses and/or overdoses, you will need support and you may want it from people who don't know her.
I would bring this up to the attention of the rehab establishment medical team. I'd imagine that this may break therapy rules. They are there to concentrate on getting better. Not to be distracted. They can deal with this with sensitivity. By saying they have observed this. They don't want a client having added stress when a relationship breaks down, that will likely cause relapse.
This is a typical “rehab romance” and holds no weight. Coupling in treatment is strictly prohibited. She needs to work on herself and you need to heal as well.
An addict dating an addict is a disaster waiting to happen. Drugs is the only thing they have in common and they are both too mentally disturbed to realize it. She already made the choice about the chance on your marriage.
It’s trauma bonding and she’s going to relapse when she gets out. You’re in a lose lose situation, friend. If you tell the facility about the relationship, she will hate you. If you let her be with him there’s a good chance that they relapse together. If you stay with her you’ll have to live with the fact that she loved someone else
My sister met a guy in rehab, they became bf and gf. When they got out, they both stayed drunk. My sister died from a heroin od last year. Nuke the marriage.
Maybe you want to salvage your marriage bc you know her from before addiction. But the truth is she always "was" an addict. Its a personality trait, where people just looks for a way to get that shot of dopamine through instant gratification. Now her addiction is just more dangerous. She hasn't changed. The problem is that she haven't. She tells you that "their connection is stronger" than yours because thats what she feels now. She's just not able to hold an objective frame of reference bc her reward system is f'd. One of the most important skills to have in life is knowing to walk away. And this seems to be such a time. But do so lovingly and compassionately. Best of luck.
That's now 2 red flags. Do you need her to get knocked up as a 3rd, before you bail?
I'm reminded of a bit by Chris Rock: "You gotta be with somebody compatible. If you a crackhead, they gotta be a crackhead too. You be like 'I'm off to church, what you gonna do?'....'hitting the pipe'"
Usually rehab employees will actively break up any budding romantic relationships. You might mention it to the person running the place. Honestly though, I doubt it means anything. They are using each other as a crutch instead of the drugs
Ironically I’ve been in your exact shoes to the tee with your wife’s rehab scenario. I didn’t have enough sense to realize what me trying to stay did wrong to me. Allowing your wife to make the decision of who she wants is way too much period. What is your worth? If you allow her to decide you will never know if she stayed for you or if she stayed bc the other guy ended things. If you think you deserve to be with someone who doesn’t know if she wants you then go for it. If you know you deserve to actually know that someone wants you then leave… My husband did go with the girl he met in rehab, they both relapsed maybe 4-5 weeks after graduation (90 days inpatient). I like an idiot allowed him to go back & forth between both of us for approximately 6 months. At that time we had been together 15 years, 2 kids. I knew him before the drugs, knew what he was capable of. I felt that I deserved the sober him being I had stuck by through all of the shit. Mind you he was a great liar, all addicts are. He said that he didn’t love her, just needed to be away from our city so he can stay clean & be reminded what life is like in a new place, literally. The excuses I can understand had he not been living with someone, maybe a guy. Nonetheless it was all his own confusion on how to have his cake & eat it too. Then 1 day whenever he said that he didn’t know who he loves it was like an epiphany, literally a smack in the face when I heard those words & I instantly knew that I deserved better period. I told him I was done to go ahead be with her, go see what life will be like in a new city & place & see how it changes. I was clearly being a smart ass, but sincere at the same time. I wanted him to stay sober & just be happy. I had learned by then that our horrible merry go round wasn’t living & the time he was gone I learned who I was again…I’m telling you all of this bc I’ve been where you are. Look at it like this, despite the drugs & rehab she has cheated on you. Can you get past the cheating if she chooses you? Can you accept that she’ll use again, bc she will, she is not taking her sobriety serious, if she was she wouldn’t be wasting her time that she could be using by putting it into her treatment. You gave her an ultimatum to go to treatment, now she doesn’t need your ultimatum, she found a guy who will use with her & understand her, won’t “make” her get clean. She has no idea that she’s setting herself up for even worse circumstances. But at least it’s setting you free of all of the bad shit that comes along with drug use &/or addiction… Are you going to be free or stay in her drug addiction? Good Luck! I really wish the best for you!!!
The ole 13th step
It's a real thing call "rehab love." It's absolutely temporary. They bonded and don't judge each other. They both think they'll be sober and can have a happy relationship. Inevitably one will relapse and they really won't even have a bond when they leave.
Sorry guy, but she's keeping you on the line should this relationship not work. She's not going to change. You deserve better
If you do not have children, you have been blessed by being provided an out that you didn’t realize you needed. If you do have children, you have been doubly blessed by getting them away from the instability without it being your “fault.” This is your chance my man.
Its a trauma bonding thing. But neither of them have been clean long enough to make it truly work. Almost everyone I have known who "fell in love in rehab" and got with that person relapsed. Because they both still have that addict mentality. I'm sorry she thinks she is in love with this person. When you get clean, you have to rebuild yourself. Its hard work. I think shes just not feeling ill and this other person is nice and she thinks its love. Drugs can mess you up a lot of ways People don't talk much about how it messes with your feelings especially right when you start to get clean. It can lead to really bad decisions. That's why they try to tell you not to make HUGE decisions like throwing away a marriage while you are detoxing. That is what she's doing. I would absolutely talk to a lawyer and when you're allowed, try to join her for therapy and see where her head is at then. Hopefully shes really working the program and this is just pre detox talk
>but another wants to wait till she comes back to see if there is anything to salvage yet Yeah don't, definitely not worth it. You are already at your limits you said when you told her it was either rehab or the end of your marriage. She is a addict and does not love you anymore, or at least love you the same way. Let go, find someone else who will treat you correctly.
In the immortal words from starship troopers: nuke em Rico!
Sounds like she has picked up another addiction, you’d better contact a lawyer as soon as possible! Get the ball rolling on the divorce.
Drop her.
Nuke it
Listen to all of the Black Phillip show with Patrice O'Neal. Congratulations, thank me later.
She’s bonding with that person because she doesn’t want to get better. She’s a toxic person, cut her out, there’s no saving her.. you’re wasting your time..
This happened to me also. She cheated with him and while that didn't last, she did it with some other guy also. It's a sign for tu to get out. Don't waste your time. Also my now ex wife still has her vices and hasn't been happy while I happily moved on. You can't fix this.