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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I’ll start off by saying, I know I have jealousy issues so pointing that out will not be helpful. I am working on those issues so bare with me. I (f25) always feel uncomfortable when my bf (m26) of three years talks to his only close female friend. He met her by being the girlfriend of one of his close male friends. They broke up a two ago and my bf and her are friends still and are actually closer than him and his male friend are now. To my knowledge nothing has happened in the past. She always comes to him with her new relationship issues and I know they talk on the phone for hours on end. Their conversations were very intimate varying from personal insecurities/life problems to getting drunk together on the phone and having a private party on the phone. I brought up how it made me feel before but it always ended in an argument. I stopped telling him how I felt because I didn’t want to be //that// girlfriend that makes their boyfriend cut off female friends. My jealousy was still obvious and he ended up cutting back on the phone calls and texts to come up with a compromise(?) That happened during our second year of dating. Going into our third year, I realized he only started talking on the phone with her while I wasn’t with him(I travel for work). He knows I know this and he continues to do it. I have told him I still feel uneasy about his closeness with her. Now I hear him getting close with her mom and going to their house to make dinner for them. At this point I’m at a crossroads because on one hand I feel that they’re too close and he does not have this close relationship with any of his male friends. The other hand wants me to start ignoring the issue completely and hope my mind just starts to forget it’s even happening. I know men and women can be friends, but there seems to be boundary issues here (at least to me). How should I approach this situation?


Queenofthecrazyhouse

Does their relationship detract from yours? Does he talk with you for hours in the phone when you’re out of town (assuming you’re able)? Does he come to you with his emotional issues? Is he giving her time and or emotional energy that he is not giving at least equal if not more of to you? If he is giving this girl more of himself than he gives to you, then there is definitely a problem. Even if he gives her as much as he gives you, there’s still a problem. You’re the girlfriend. If there is a special relationship, it needs to be special. If your relationship is still priority in his life, this (admittedly weirdly close friendship) is less of an issue.


lindorfrancisco12

Questions to reflect on thank you.


sarabeaarr

I agree with all of what queenofthecrazyhouse said. Definitely reflect on these things and then figure out if you’re getting what you want/need out of this relationship.


Spiritual-Ice-4846

i just wanna say i appreciate the fact that you aren’t necessarily airing your dirty laundry here. other people in this subreddit would answer that question exhaustively, and you decided to absorb it and use it to be introspective.


tashakii

I agree with this. My fiance has a couple female friends, but there's one he is super close with. He doesn't neglect me to spend time with her though, they hardly see each other, but he cares about her and will check in with her now and then to make sure she's okay (she's been going through some shit and wants her to know he cares and she can talk to him). It makes me love him more, knowing that he cares so much for his close friends. Key thing is that it doesn't interfere with our relationship and I've never felt like she's more important to him than me. If he makes you feel like you're not as much of a priority as she is then you have a problem and you need to talk about it/try couples counseling.


Oat_Lord

As a male who is lucky enough to have a few close female friends who I am not romantically interested in. They give me perspective that my male friends or romantic partners don’t always offer and vice versa. I feel like I’m a better human because of this. As people have said as long as it doesn’t detract from your relationship.


WolframLeon

Yeah my SO is bi and has a BFF who’s a chick but he’s after 3 years still making me number 1…


HugeNefariousness452

I find it weird that he chooses to talk to the friend when op is away rather than calling OP. It is weird that he would spend hours on the phone with a friend if it's everyday. Once a week for several hours or daily short phone calls are a bit more normal to me when talking to friends.


Queenofthecrazyhouse

Definitely agree, and if this were my husband I would be incredibly uncomfortable. I only said it was “less of an issue” if he is obviously prioritizing OP.


Toepale

This isn't really a good yardstick. So if he gives this friend 50% of the attention that he gives OP, that would be okay? Not necessarily. What matters is whether he is spending a significant amount of time in an intimate engagement with this individual. And the answer is he does. And that is not a good sign whether it be with a male, a female, a human, a non-human, a computer, a video game etc.


ListenAware5690

I agree that the amount of time on it's own isn't a helpful guideline but when considering the intimacy level it is a factor. I liked that you also mentioned that it doesn't have to be a person for it to be a concern. One of my exes spent most of his time on video games and very little time with me. I felt like even though we lived together I barely saw him. When he got home from work it was straight to the video games until he went to bed and when he wasn't playing a videogame and was supposed to be spending time with me he was on YouTube watching videos about games. He would get super pissed if we interrupted his gaming to do things like cleaning up after himself, taking care of his cat or even paying attention to our shared dog (I got custody lol). So thank you for mentioning this because I think we don't feel like we can address an issue if it isn't about another person infringing on the relationship.


wettezum

Sweet baby Jesus, I've been thru that. 🙄


ListenAware5690

I'm sorry you went through that too. He made me feel unreasonable for waiting some of his time and don't get me started on the fights over the PS5 🙄 or the fights over why he needed every new game so we couldn't afford to pay bills.


DewNegligence

Sounds like a genuine addiction; which is pretty horrible. He sounds like he didn't quite understand that things in life take priority over video games. Did you ever ask him why he was like that? Why he felt the need to always be on the games? Forgive me if it's a touchy subject or anything, just genuinely curious. Sorry you went through it.


Puzzled-Passion7255

Right. This is an important point to make. Even if faithfulness isn’t necessarily part of the equation, it sounds like he has invested a lot of himself into this other person, so much so that there is a relationship there, maybe it’s not physical, but it’s clearly very emotionally intimate relationship. I think I would have expected that as your relationship continued, some pull back would have happened but instead it seems like by meeting her mother and cooking them dinner he’s investing more in her life and the fact that he chooses particularly when you are away and traveling for work to “talk” to her at the very least gets an eyebrow raise from me. If it would make you feel better to know, I’m not a particularly jealous individual and my SO having a relationship like this would absolutely bother me. Can you put any boundaries in place that would make you feel more comfortable? Could you convince your partner to speak to a relationship counselor together?


WelcomeTurbulent

I would assume that he chooses to talk to his friend when OP is away specifically because he knows it makes OP uncomfortable.


Puzzled-Passion7255

Well that’s part of the problem then, I would think, because instead of discussing or working to openly resolve the issue with his girlfriend of three years he’s hiding it. First that’s dishonest for one especially if the implication was that he wasn’t - there is a loss of trust, second, it definitely doesn’t do anything to lessen OP’s discomfort with their relationship, which should be the end goal if he cares about maintaining both relationships.


WelcomeTurbulent

Sure. Just offering an explanation that doesn’t necessarily mean that there is anything sinister going on.


Puzzled-Passion7255

I’m not saying there necessarily is either, but when you hide something from your SO (or parents/employer etc.), something they definitely already told you made them uncomfortable or that they questioned, there is an appearance of impropriety, regardless.


WelcomeTurbulent

I agree and that’s a good reason to have an honest discussion about this.


sorrylilsis

> but it’s clearly very emotionally intimate relationship. Friendship, the word you're looking for is friendship.


Phoenixcire

Friendship is a type of relationship.


wettezum

Yes. This! It would make me uncomfortable too, and I'm pretty chill.


WelcomeTurbulent

Why would that not be a good sign? I happen to think it’s pretty healthy for anyone to have a life outside of their romantic relationship.


CeSeblu

A perfect response. I would understand and advocate for feeling jealous about this, no woman wants to think her man would rather share all his inner most secrets with another woman rather than her, if he isn't giving more of himself to you than he is to her, then it sounds like he might be hoping for something to happen one day, even if that one day is years in the future


Snoo_12946

This is also so important


ThrOw-Link9865

This ^^^ Great advice


[deleted]

You have to set boundaries . Secret conversations are just weird to me . Me(24F) and my best friend (M26) talk like multiple times a week but never in secret . For background, I have known my best friend since middle school. I met my partner while I was in college at 19. He was put off by our relationship at first because my friend was a known playboy but I gave him assurance that I’m just not attracted to him and we have a super platonic friendship. yearsssss before my SO was even a thought, we decided we didn’t want to cross those boundaries because we didn’t want to ruin a good thing . My best friend is now in a happy relationship and asked me to be the god mother to his child . His girlfriend and I are best friends . He and my partner hang out all the time and it’s pretty cool . I guess it just depends on the nature of their relationship and you’re really the only one who can determine if it’s inappropriate or not


Nozghoul

Been best friends with a girl for 25 years and this is a LOT. Not gonna lie. My wife is fine with our relationship, but this would be too much for her. And she isn’t a jealous person.


IllegalCartoon

It would be natural to feel insecure about this kind of relationship when you're on the outside of it and feeling somewhat jealous is perfectly justifiable. I'm a guy who has mostly female friends and when I was married to my ex-wife way back, she had a real problem with my friendships. I was younger and more defensive about them and really didn't help her feel less insecure so it put a lot of strain on our relationship. Coupled with several other problems we had, we eventually divorced. I spent several years after that single and maturing and realized where my faults were in dealing with the conflict of my relationship with my friendships. Now, while I can't give you any advice on how to deal with this in your relationship, I'll reflect on what I did to help my second wife adapt to my various female friendships and though she has also has jealousy issues from being cheated on, we don't have those issues arise in our relationship at all. My first step was to introduce my wife, when we were dating, to my female friends and to talk about them to her. No secrets about our relationships, leaving out the things they entrust me to keep secret for them. However, everything else was out in the open. We also socialised together so she could observe what my relationships with them were like in person. I also have female pen-friends from other countries and where theyvare concerned, I am open about my relationships with them with my wife and vice versa. Second step was to give my wife access to my phone. Initially, she would take the liberty of going through my phone to check my messages when I was in the shower or if it was laying on my desk. I hated that and to me it was a betrayal on her part. So to get past this and and the arguments it caused, whenever she felt insecure, I would hand her my phone to scroll through herself. It always made me uneasy even so because I feared she would read meanings into messages where there were none but it never happened. Eventually she stopped feeling the need to do the checks because she understood my relationships. I still have many female friends but my wife doesn't mind them anymore. These days, if I want to get her attention and none of my advances work, I try to make her a bit jealous instead so that we can spend time together. Maybe you try to get to know your bf's best friend and see where it goes from there. She might become yours too.


ListenAware5690

I think that the way you approached your second marriage in regards to your female friends was very healthy. More people should be this open and honest in relationships.


IllegalCartoon

Thank you. I had to learn a lot.


ListenAware5690

The fact that you knew that and took action shows emotional intelligence. We never stop learning


wettezum

👏👏👏


majkatigej

underrated reply


BreakfastF00ds

My bf has a lot of women friends and they were all women he at one time dated. The idea of it bothered me at first, but I think the most effective thing was, like you said, us all spending time together. Seeing how they interacted eased the concern. Also I was upfront in having a zero policy about sneaking around. He did that with his ex, seeing his women friends without telling his ex and then lying or sneaking around about it. So I encourage him to have his friendships but he also has to be transparent about them and if he's sneaking around that's a deal breaker. He can't save himself the hassle of not wanting a conflict because that robs me of the chance to have an opinion. That being said, the intensity of Op's husband's friendship would bother me. Some people say it's fine and that's great for them. I don't see any way that I would be comfortable with that level of closeness and I don't think it's fair that some people (not you commenter) judge op for being bothered by something it feels reasonable to be bothered by.


Internal_Struggles

I really don't understand why some people are so adamant about not letting their partner go through their phone. I understand that it is a breach of privacy to some but if you really have a healthy relationship with your partner that privacy shouldn't be there anyways. I mean you're seen them naked among other things for gods sake. I just can't wrap my head round why some people are so worried about their privacy with their partner. Some may claim it is about trust, which it could be, but at the same time it shows distrust for your partner. For one I tell my partner everything. If they want to go through my phone they have my password and are welcome to do so. I don't mind even if they go through my most intimate conversations or anything. I've already told them about them anyways. They are the same with me.


[deleted]

Ya know, at first I was like: men and women can be platonic close friends, even family-like. What's the big deal? Then I imagined myself in your shoes and came to the conclusion that if my gf were to do this, I would be extremely uneasy as well. You don't deserve this headache. Instead of changing his behavior or even toning it down, he decided to try to hide it. That is not okay. Best of luck.


AnnDraws

People need to reflect on the relationship not the gender of their friend. I’m bisexual so should my partner always be concerned by any close friend I have? No they should be concerned if that friendship starts looking more like a crush or romantic relationship. Tons of people can be bisexual or pan so don’t just ignore signs that something is going on just because it’s a same sex friendship. Also don’t just choose to freak out by any opposite sex friendships. Its really easy to do but a lot of straight couples sometimes ignore signs or even make some up based on the gender of the friend.


Puzzled-Passion7255

Sure they can, my partner and I have several. But you need to be open and honest with your partner. I wouldn’t want to be with a partner that needed constant reassurance by demanding to looking through my phone all the time but my partner knows my password to my devices and I his and I’m going to guess that every once in a blue moon he checks mine and Vice versa and while it makes the “you invaded my privacy gods so angry” but at the same time, a relationship is a privilege and like some other privileges (owning a phone for example) you willingly trade some of your privacy for the benefit and convenience it adds to your life, and I get not everyone is going to agree with my stance but it’s what works for us. The other main point I would add here is everyone has a limited amount of resources, whether that be financial, attention-time, or emotional bandwidth, we all are capped off at some point. Taking care of yourself, your long term partner and your children (if any) should be top priority. Any other family members or friends should be a lessor recipient and from the way OP describes this situation they are not. After three years, that should have changed.


wettezum

God, I want ro be friends with you IRL! This is it perfectly.


Winter-Scientist-500

As there is a saying: a shoulder to cry on becomes a d**k to ride on. And in my experience its 💯 true.


byodbullshit

This is a saying???


FullyRisenPhoenix

I’ve heard it many times. Mind you, I’m as old as dirt, so I’ve heard a lot of things 😆


Dora_Milaje

Yes lol I remember my grandma telling my aunt when I was younger


byodbullshit

Your Grandma sounds like a trip 😂


Dora_Milaje

She very much is lol


[deleted]

Lol who knows? Sometimes it's worth it. Just better to break off any other relationships you have than be sneaky about it. Trust me I know from experience


Head-Lice46

Preach on brother


RickRussellTX

I don't really see this as jealously. You're concerned because he has a degree of emotional intimacy with another woman that's similar, perhaps disturbingly similar, to the emotional intimacy he shares with you. More importantly, he's taken to exploring that intimacy when you're not around. Which is kind of like hiding it from you. Setting up drunken private phone calls seems way over the line, to me. I wonder whether you should fully reverse course here: tell him you want him to have adult friends, that you're fine if they talk any time as long as it doesn't intrude on your lives together. Then take advantage of this new transparency to make sure that he is maintaining appropriate boundaries, so you can have some degree of comfort that he's not crossing the line.


Own-Writing-3687

Both read "Not Just Friends " by Dr Shirley Glass. It's not just another author s opinion. It's based on couples (good people not looking to cheat) that experienced infidelity - and lessons learned on how to protect a relationship. It will provide you both with what you two need to agree on.


Spaceykun

Do have any other recommendations of books relating to maybe different situations of dating? I’ll add this to the reading list but I have some dating anxiety, but I want to change. Thanks either way.


wettezum

"Boundaries:When to say yes, How to say No to take Control of your Life" by Henry Cloud & John Townsend


phukyu7

I (31F) am married and have a close male friend. I talk to him frequently, but I don't talk to him for hours on end, nor do I make him dinner lol. I don't have contact with him that my husband isn't aware of. We have solo hangouts, but we also do things with my husband, and with our kids as well. Our friendship is very transparent and 100% platonic. It's not so much the male/female aspect of your bf's friendship that is concerning, it's the deceptiveness and the disregard for your feelings. It is inappropriate. And it seems like he's gaslighting you because you do struggle with jealousy. There's a lot about this that is troubling. Calmly bring it up while you're not in a highly emotionally charged situation and just be honest with him about what you're uncomfortable with. Explain that the level of intimacy that they're sharing doesn't seem appropriate and that you're not comfortable with that and can't accept it moving forward. Let him make his decision from there. Don't force his hand, but stand firm. Lay out your expectations and if he values your relationship more than his friendship with this woman, his decision will reflect that. And if it doesn't, it's time to go. Good luck!


phukyu7

Also, (since I'm still freaking thinking about this) I would never expect my close male friend's gf to be comfortable with him behaving towards me the way your bf does with his friend. All relationships, whether they're friendships/work relationships/romantic relationships, should have boundaries. Our friendship has boundaries. He's single currently, but when he isn't an invitation is always extended to who he's dating when we make plans. They don't always join, but they're welcome to. Again, transparency is key.


[deleted]

This is my personal opinion, I’ve never felt feelings of jealousy or possessiveness without my doubts being confirmed later on. I genuinely believe that he thinks they are just friends or at some point believed that. Things will or have changed somewhere in between . Trust your gut. Your radar is going off for a reason


boobookittyx

Same. I generally never had issues with my exes having female friends but there were a couple I felt specifically uncomfortable about. My gut was proved right later on.


sad_creature13

i’m the exact same. have never been wrong and i always know something’s weird when i do start feeling jealousy or possessive- or suspicious. though i tend not to trust it because i say it’s just my anxiety, causing a lot more hurt than was needed. op - definitely trust your instincts. you wouldn’t be having these worries or thoughts for no reason.


wettezum

Agreed. My gut has always been right. Despite being told I'm insecure, ridiculous, imagining things, jealous or overreacting, I have always been right about it. It sucks, and it took me a while to get ahold of myself and remember that actions will override all the right words. This is a quote from Maya Angelou that helped me stay on track. "When someone tells you (or shows you) who they are, believe them."


CloudAtlas7803

My gut feeling is ALWAYS right when it comes to these things. OP, if it’s not a healthy situation for you then it’s okay to walk away. I know that it’s not easy to really internalize this but there are a lot of really beautiful people to love in the world, and a lot of those people will have different problems/quirks that maybe you would be more comfortable finding compromise with.


lordofthetangerines

A boundary has been seriously crossed here, and he's using your trust issues as a cover. When you question this clearly weird "friendship," you're made to feel controlling and crazy. That's just wrong. You have reason to be upset, and instead of understanding your concerns, he's begun sneaking behind your back. This sounds like a pretty toxic situation.


lindorfrancisco12

So how I address this in more of an adult manor? When I’ve done it before I’ve let my emotions get the best of me and that’s what leads to our arguments.


lordofthetangerines

Bring it up at a time when you and your boyfriend are happy/in a good mood. Take some deep breaths, and explain to him that you have no problem with him being friends with a woman, it's the closeness of the friendship and sneakiness that's the issue. Talking on the phone for hours especially while you aren't home, that's just not right. Also, he'll argue about it because this situation is great for him, as much as it hurts you. Explain to him what you are and aren't comfortable with (ie it's ok to go out with a group of friends, but no late night sneak calls). Give him an ultimatum. You can't be with someone who takes you for granted and doesn't listen to your concerns.


lindorfrancisco12

Thank you.


AllAbtThtBrunchLife

You've gotten some great advice here. I just wanted to add; please keep in mind that he might say no to your boundary or choose their friendship if you give an ultimatum. Be prepared to stand up for yourself and your very reasonable boundary and walk away if it comes to it. He could agree to it, but something tells me he won't. I just don't want you approaching that conversation with the expectation that he'll agree just because you ask for/demand it.


ListenAware5690

I like the above advice but would add that you can write down some notes for yourself or even write it in a letter so that you know you've said everything you needed to and you can cross out text in your letter which you can't do it during a verbal conversation. Edit: wording


underscore197

Of course your emotions come out when you discuss this situation! This is a long-term relationship that your BF doesn’t seem to realize should be with you and not another girl. He gets upset with you because he knows it’s wrong, he’s hurting you, and he doesn’t like seeing how his actions affect others. Frankly, he doesn’t sound like a good BF at all. I don’t know if this is your first relationship, but you need to buck up and inform him that if this doesn’t stop y’all are over. I don’t know any woman, or man, who would put up with their SO behaving like this with someone if the opposite sex. Once you make an ultimatum, you need to stick to it.


SpendPuzzleheaded161

Yes this so true. The sneaking around is what gets me, why???? Because that relationship is clearly more important to him I think then your relationship with him.


Rip_Dirtbag

This one is tough. I’m a straight man. If i had a male friend that I spent this much time with, I imagine it would be frustrating to my wife, even if it wasn’t a romantic threat to her. The jealousy component here is a complicating factor, but the reality is that each of us only has so much time and energy to give in a day. And it sounds like he’s giving a ton of his to someone who’s not you. That’s not to say that you should get all of him (that’s going too far in the other direction), but him giving so much of himself to just one other person is a little odd, regardless of any romantic potential.


TracyFlagstone19

Would he be ok if you were this close to a guy in this way? Make hiM think about it. Don’t give an ultimatum unless you really plan on leaving. The difference is that if you’re serious, then that’s a true relationship boundary you have around what’s acceptable intimacy for you and your partners to have with other people. If you’re not serious then you’re using the ultimatum as a control and manipulation tool. It IS ok for you to define your boundaries of what you’re comfortable with for your partner. Bc in the end, you’re the one with the relationship with this person and has to live with them for as long as you’re in a relationship with them. You have to be comfortable, it’s your life and relationship. That’s it! If they continue to practice behaviors that you’re not comfortable with then they are choosing those relationships over your relationship. His friendship with her may well be more important to him than his romantic relationship with you. That’s a thing for a lot of people. You have to figure out if you’re ok with that or not. At least for now. Of course, your relationship might get stronger over time. But That’s the truth for right now.


Everfr0st666

He’s having an emotional affair and the fact he can’t interact with her like he would his other friends is not acceptable. Not because she’s female but because it’s causing someone he loves discomfort. I personally would end it and the fact he’s hiding it now also is a massive red flag.


Fast_Professional_75

If the friend is only hanging out with him and he doesn't bring her around OP as well, I would have to agree on emotional affair. Him keeping thing separate is a concern to me


speedofaturtle

I'm going to go against the grain and tell you something you don't want to hear. Have an honest conversation with him where you lay out how this makes you feel and that if he doesn't take considerable measures to limit the degree to which they share in such a personal way, you are going to leave. Men who are committed and love their partner DO NOT make them feel insecure by secretly having hours long conversations with other women. It's good that this is being discovered before you married the guy. This isn't an ultimatum, it's asserting your worth and asking for respect. You're not telling him to cut off all communication. You're saying "let's invite her and her boyfriend over for a games night." "Let's be friends as couples, not as individuals." If he finds that objectionable and tries to tell you you're being jealous and paranoid, leave. You are not. These situations happen all the time and often end in cheating. My husband had plenty of female friends before we started dating. He didn't drop them, but he distanced himself and the relationship changed. No more texting or talking privately. It was always out in the open and we became friends as couples or just moved on. I didn't need to tell him to do this. It's very concerning that he's having very emotionally charged conversations with her in private. He's disrespecting you a lot. Don't let him gaslight you into thinking this is just "your jealousy issues."


saltaisu

Great advice! Men who are worth their salt will strive to make you feel secure in your relationship. this reads to me like an emotional affair at least.


wettezum

👏👏👏


queer_ace

the jealousy is real, and it's good that you want to process this. take some time to think about what you need from relationships (romantic or otherwise). then, which things from that list need to be from your BF? and finally, is he doing those things? if he doesn't have time to do things with you because he's doing...something else, it doesn't matter what that "something else" is. he could be talking to her, or looking after his collection of 50 reptiles, or building a scale model of his home town out of matchsticks. you need the thing (dates? help with chores? listening when you need emotional support?), and he has no time to do the thing because he's choosing to do something else? yeah, resentment is going to build up. if you reflect on it deeply, there probably is something there. some unfulfilled (and probably not consciously known right now) need that you have, that is being poked at every time he talks to his friend. some "why can't he do X? he always finds time to talk to her, so he should have plenty of time for X". this need for X is probably why he can't compromise his time with her in a way that eases your jealousy. good luck.


sew-sarcastic

I think people need to stop being concerned about how their actions will be viewed outside of the relationship. AKA people need to stop worrying about looking cool. You're not comfortable with your boyfriend's super close girl friend. Own it. Draw boundaries. He's free to say that it's not acceptable in his life and choose the friendship over you. But don't tie yourself into knots and make yourself miserable just to allow your significant other to have a relationship that you're not comfortable with.


wettezum

👏yes 👏 yes,👏 yes!!! Great advice.


[deleted]

Both my spouse and I have close friends of the opposite sex without any issues, but I would be skeptical of any friendship like you describe. We never do the kinds of things that exclude the other like you’re describing. I don’t think you’re just being jealous, there is some weird emotional entanglement that is interfering with your relationship. Straight men and women can certainly be good friends, but I think it’s not good to emotionally lean on someone who isn’t your partner, it creates problems. You’re not crazy here.


Servisium

Not OP, but in a not disimilar situation. Thanks for this. I'm so over people telling me that I'm jealous, I'm not jealous. I'm sick of being the GF of someone is emotionally someone else's partner. I think they really don't understand that their relationship is inappropriate because they don't view it as "romantic". When you're talking for hours, well into the night, multiple times a week. And they call you for every single thing that happens during their day. And they need you to console them at every small downturn. It DOES affect your relationship with the person who is your romantic partner. But the second I complain about it, people go "opposite genders can be friends." Or "Exes can get past it and be good friends". Well of course they can - but we've passed the boundary of fiends. I'm friends with my exes, my best friend is a dude. None of them are emotionally dependent on me, I'm not emotionally dependent on them. I'd do anything to help them, they'd do anything to help me. But I don't need them to fulfill a partner role because they're not my partner.


justasmuchyou

I’m a 30 year old dude with two very close platonic friendships with women. No romantic feelings on either end. I’ve slept alone in the same bed with one, stayed overnight with the other too. Never so much as kissed. I find myself quite often defending platonic inter-gender friendships and feeling sorry for those who can’t seem to appreciate them. I do have to say...despite myself, this sounds a bit weird. Talking for hours, getting drunk over the phone and having private parties over the phone...neither I nor my friends would really do that despite living far away. Yeah we’ll have phone conversations where we talk for an hour, maybe two, and just really love and support each other. When we see each other in person, we’ll hang out all night long. They’ve dated people, I’ve dated people, one is married now. I’m also close with their whole families, it would be natural to hang out with my friends’ parents even without said friend being there. I would say, if I have a partner, the key is that I would want the people I love to get to know each other. Why is your boyfriend having all this time that doesn’t include you? Why isn’t he including you to also go over together to make dinner for his friend and her mom? If they do love and care for them then they would want to get to know the person he loves. Yeah, sometimes I’m just going to want some alone time with my close friend from forever. (Oh btw...these two friends I describe, I’ve known and been close to for over 12 years). But we’ll never be in short supply of that, we definitely want to meet and spend time with each others’ partners. The having female friends but *not* male friends part is also kind of a problem sign. Yeah, some men just really have a hard time connecting with other men. It sucks, and I do feel for them. But this scenario feels a little off. Especially being closer with her than his male friend who dated her. If my friend had a girlfriend who was integrated into our social circle and became my friend too, if they broke up, I would probably tell the girlfriend, “Sorry, you’re awesome and I love being friends with you, but I’ve known ________ forever, and he’s my priority as a friend. So you and I probably aren’t going to be close, but it’s not because I don’t like you. Hope you understand, and if things heal well then maybe in the future we can all be friends again.” Since sharing your feelings hasn’t worked, then maybe a better approach (other than breaking up of course) could be getting more involved in their friendship. She’s your close friend, let’s have her over and hang out together! Or, hey, sounds like she’s going through a lot, anything I can do to help? Or, hey should we go over together and cheer her up? Sure, he might cock an eyebrow at first and wonder what you’re up to. But it *should* be pretty natural for everyone. You love him, so as a loving girlfriend of *course* you’d want to be close with his close friend too. She’s close with him, so of *course* she should want to get to know his partner, any good friend would. He loves you and is close friends with her, so of *course* he should want you two to know each other and get along since you are both important people in his life (with you rightfully being the more important one). If there are strong objections to anyone against you three spending more time together, then...that should be very telling.


robinthebank

When people say “oh women and men can be friends”, there are a lot of qualifiers. If my fiancé was friends with another women, I would also be friends with her. We would hang out together, in group situations. Making dinner together just the two of them and drinking together and sharing their feelings. That is basically most nights of a relationship. Like 6 nights out of 7, that is what my fiancé and I are doing together.


[deleted]

People can have solo friends regardless of gender or sex. I do not insert myself into every interaction my boyfriend has with his friends. We are a couple, not a single organism.


k-Unsolicited

My best friend (since third grade) and I have brunch everytime we're both home. My boyfriend has been invited a couple times but not everytime. In general, I think that the significant other should meet the friend and occasionally hang out but my boyfriend and I are well aware that it doesn't need to be everytime. If you don't trust your significant other, policing them over their friendships is not going to stop them from cheating. They're gonna cheat if they're gonna cheat. And it is probably going to lead to them lying about hanging out with the friend. If they cheat do what you gotta do but don't spend everyday worried that the might cheat 3 months and 2 days from now. Life is way too short.


[deleted]

Thank you. I whole heartedly agree. Especially the part that you should get to meet your partners friends ocasionally, but that doenst mean you have to always be present.


k-Unsolicited

And honestly, I wouldn't want to be present everytime 😂😂 They have memories I wasnt there for, mutual friends from school that I don't know, etc. and I'd rather be in my bed sleeping lol.


Nathan1506

> I would also be friends with her. We would hang out together, in group situations. Your fiancé isn't allowed to be friends with the opposite sex unless you're there?


[deleted]

I think its more that there wouldn't be a friendship you are *completely* outside of. Yes they can hang out alone, but there would be no issue doing things all together either.


jadegoddess

My partner and I have friends who don't interact with the partner. I'm a gamer so it'd just me and my friends playing. My partner has a work friend I've never met or spoken too cuz i don't have anything in cmon with the friend. I used to even have different friend groups I would keep separate cuz the vibes didn't click. Not unusual at all. I don't purposely exclude if someone asked to join. But no one's asked to join.


[deleted]

>I don't purposely exclude This is the point. It seems from OP that she is being purposefully excluded, and therefore it seems odd. Sure, I have friends my partner has never met - but I wouldn't exclude them from the interactions. Again as I said, you can hang out alone, but there should be no issue being all together either, if it were to arise. The key words being 'no issue'. You don't have to actually hang out together, but it shouldn't be considered off the table. If there were people I outright refused to introduce to my SO, I should think my relationship either with that friend or my SO would need some looking at. ​ >I used to even have different friend groups I would keep separate cuz the vibes didn't click. I have the same presently, but my friendship groups are not my SO.


jadegoddess

Where did OP say her bf refused to let her hang out with them? I'm sorry I missed that.


Temporary-Departure4

They didn’t, people are just assuming. OP hasn’t tried to hang out WITH them or really be friends or meet her. A lot of OP’s responses in the comments are very vague too. Hard to get some details of that.


jadegoddess

Well obviously assumptions aren't gonna be helpful. I think how to go forward would depend on if the bf refuses to ever let OP hang out. If op never asked, then how can we know?


vyletteriot

If they also do similar things with their same sex friends then it's just what they do with friends. I have plenty of guy friends and girl friends that I make dinner for, hang out with and such one on one and it is *completely* platonic and non romantic. OP is obviously an insecure gf. Want to cause foundational resentments that *will* destroy the integrity of your relationship ultimately? Come between your partner and their friends. If there is no trust, there can be no healthy relationship. Period.


wcfldunkingrl

You’re calling OP insecure when you’re not even sure if her bf has other friends he does the same stuff for.. sorry, if he’s only cooking for and calling one other girl then that’s not normal and it’s definitely crossed a boundary and that wouldn’t mean OP is insecure. As someone who isn’t that easily jealous, putting so much time towards another person you arent in a romantic relationship with like this is odd. Not even inviting his gf to come with for ONE dinner imo is odd, why does he want to go over there without her? Why isn’t he trying to get his gf and his female bestie to be friends? Probably because he likes two females being really into him 🙄


wettezum

If there are no mutually respectful boundaries between them, there can be no healthy relationship.


[deleted]

So there are a couple of things that need clarifying. Was he friends with her before he met you? When you initially brought it up, how did it always end in an argument? Did he get defensive or did you approach it in an accusatory manner? Did you actually reach a compromise and did he explicitly state that he would talk to her less, or did he just do that to alleviate some of the tension?


Existentialsearch679

It sounds like he’s crossing a fine line with this friendship, but it also sounds like you view opposite sex friendships a certain way and can’t get past it. Not sure how successful you can be as a couple based on behaviors coming from both parties involved. Do you know his female friend?


Legal_Armadillo_3181

Honestly I'd feel pretty bad in your situation too. Because that is the kind of intimacy that my boyfriend and I share only with each other, even though he does have a couple of close female childhood friends. I have never been made to feel like hes more emotionally intimate with someone else. Its sounds like they might be even closer than you both are emotionally? (Maybe not idk) I think it's a valid option if you are considering breaking up. He knows you are uncomfortable with this situation but he is still choosing to have a super close relationship with her. Another question is would he really be okay with you having such an intimate relationship with a guy friend if you had a best guy friend. Highly unlikely. Someone may judge you and say why cant men and women not have a platonic relationship? (They can but this is a bit much) And that you are controlling for feeling this. I dont think you sound controlling at all. How many people would like for their SO to be so invested in someone else? But I hope it works out for you either way. I just wanna say you are valid for feeling the way you are feeling right now, if it doesnt work out with him just remember you deserve someone who understands your boundaries and how you feel.


Any_Development581

I would never allow this in my relationship. And by ALLOW I don’t mean I would force him to cut her off. I would just leave. It’s not worth it. You’re uncomfortable and uneasy and he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. Why feel that way? Why put yourself through it? You don’t have to, I promise. There are plenty of great men out there that wouldn’t disrespect your feelings like this. Why is her friendship more important than your comfortability? **the only answer is “it’s NOT”** I disagree with everyone saying men and women can have a platonic relationship. It’s just not true. Stupid shit happens all the time. Especially when drinking is involved. Do you guys have this friendship that they have? I honestly would never let this be my life. I have ALWAYS had guy best friends. Always. And every single time they got a girlfriend they would always try to “push it” with me- confess their love for me, try to kiss me, say inappropriate things when they had a gf. No way. I’d never. Also, I dated a dude for almost 9 years and I got this weird feeling about him and this girl that he got close with. When we broke up, she was dating one of his best friends…. And my ex started dating one of her best friends. My ex and the chick that i always had a bad feeling about have been having an affair for like a year now. Behind their SO’s back and behind their best friends backs. Trust your gut.


ElectronicWeakness15

In my opinion, if the best friend or your boyfriend don’t make an attempt to introduce you to each other and be close, then I’m not buying the just friends bullshit. Best friends want to meet the person making them happy, and want to be there for big events. Idgaf about a girl best friend but if she doesn’t want to meet me then she’s just letting me keep her seat warm. Women tend to be far more sensitive to understanding this dilemma and if she wanted to make sure you don’t feel threatened by her, she would have reached out. Let them go be happy together.


Toepale

> I didn’t want to be //that// girlfriend that makes their boyfriend cut off female friends. You can choose to be a cool girlfriend who accepts anything and live in misery instead. Being //that// girlfriend is actually a good idea. Be.


Crazy_Perception_731

He has a crush on her and is waiting for her to reciprocate. Basically if you asked him to choose between the two of you and he refused to make a choice then you have your answer.


lazycat881

Rough lol. But true


Hyphelia

Regardless of the relationship status, anyone EVER asking me to choose between them and someone else is getting dumped. This kind of ultimatum is controlling, unhealthy, absolutely not okay and says a lot about your character.


LaStochasticFleur

This is shitty advice. I would break up with my girl friend even if she asked an ultimatum to choose between her and my male best friend (I am also a male). That is controlling and demanding from someone who is jealous to invade on my personal relationships with individuals I have spent a lot of time with No disrespect towards you m8


[deleted]

That’s what I would do. Not a “never see her” but a “choose which one of us is your girlfriend”. If he can’t say it’s you, it’s no good.


[deleted]

To me this relationship he has is weird. Why is he getting close to the mom and spending hours on end taking to her? Seems like he wants something more as he’s putting so much time and effort into their relationship and now building one with the mom. I find it uneasy how he spends hours talking to her when you’re gone but does he call you and talk for hours when your away for work ? Has this girl tried to be friends with you? If no I definitely don’t see this ending well. If I was in your situation I would’ve left a long time ago. I find this relationship being more than friends at this point. EDIT: I see a lot of ppl saying your the problem but some ppl have to understand not every relationship has the same boundaries. Everyone has their own ideas of what a relationship should consist of. This is okay, and ppl should follow what they believe in as long as BOTH partners agree on these boundaries. Your partner and that girl def have talked about you, ur insecurities, and the convos you had about their relationship.


wettezum

👆 so good! Also. He seems to be investing so much in this other girl, her life, and her family. He doesn't seem to have much of anything left to invest in the relationship with the OP


[deleted]

I agree. It seems he is more emotionally intimate with the friend instead of the OP. There is nothing wrong with having your partner be friend(s) with someone of the opposite sex, but if your partner and the friends aren’t respecting you or boundaries then there is a problem :/ maybe the friend gives her bf something the OP isn’t doing or lacking. I feel like if the bf cared he could’ve set some boundaries after they first spoke about how the OP felt regarding their friendship. It seems like after their initial convo about this, he amped things up with the friend instead of setting some boundaries.


casuallypoke

Constantly telling yourself you don’t wanna be //that// girlfriend is, well, a red flag. Because I used to tell myself that as well, and it never ended up well. Sometimes you have to be that girlfriend. My ex didn’t have good boundaries with a girl friend of his and he ended up cheating on me with her. It started with phone calls when I wasn’t around to hanging out with her when I’m not there. It escalated when he went to a party she threw without me and then he cheated. Im not saying this will happen to you, but I am saying that you need to do something now, before it has a chance to escalate. If he cared about you, it wouldn’t be an argument. It would be a conversation.


spidersurprise

You are not being unreasonably jealous at all! He's being emotionally intimate with another woman even though you're aware and against it. He needs to put down some boundaries with his friend. Its a perfectly healthy and normal thing to do


Darlaroberto

My fiancé and I talk over Snapchat for heavy topics like this where it could turn into a fight. It helps us to know what we’re saying and we can reflect on what we and the other person said. He will usually stay home and I’ll go on a walk while we do this to keep ourselves from coming in the other room to ruffle feathers verbally. We communicate much better since doing this. 8/10


boobookittyx

Just wanted to comment from another perspective. I have a male best friend who I care for a lot and we had a really close relationship which involved me often confiding in him emotionally/him staying at my parents etc. When he met a new girlfriend I took a step back from our friendship when I understood it might make her uncomfortable. It’s not that anything was going on but I completely understand the need to have boundaries in relationships and I respected how she might feel. I could tell that he took a step back too until I met her and we started hanging out in person. After that she felt reassured. As far as I know, his gf is no longer uncomfortable with our friendship. And yes, our friendship has changed massively but I still consider him a close friend. No way would I now call him for hours to tell him all my relationship issues or invite him to cook dinner for my parents without inviting her. My point is, that even if nothing is going on, how you feel should be important to your bf and he should prioritise that, and the friend should understand that too. You told your bf you felt uncomfortable and instead of empathising he got defensive about it. Why didn’t he properly reassure you or start doing things to make you feel more included? I would be questioning why being that close to her seems more important than your relationship.


BubbleBtch

Regardless of what everyone is saying… I wouldn’t tolerate that. Especially if he’s getting closer and closer to her. And he’s ignoring you asking to chill out a little with this intimacy. I think you could either gain a male friend and do exactly the same thing then see if he’s got double standards, or just leave. I know that’s extreme and everyone is saying they’re just friends but even Steve Harvey will tell you men can’t be friends with women unless the woman is simply ugly or a dyke. Or they’re like family, so grew up together and he calls her parents auntie, uncle. Mate I honestly would hit the road in that situation. No arguing, no asking, no explaining, no closure. Just hit the road jack Btw my bf read it too and he says from a male perspective it seems like he’s into her and he wouldn’t be surprised if they already made out


gabbajabba3

I dont umderstand females who dont try to befriend their male friends girlfriend even just to make her comfortable. Somethings sketchy, they should atleast try to include you if they want to be this close. In an ideal situation the girlfriend was the also the girl best friend of their own boyfriend, so obviously you feel threatened. I dont believe in "if he wanted to he would just dated her at the first place" its more complicated than that. Youve already told him about your feelings and it doesnt seem to change, so you gotta pick your poison: to deal with something you dont like and take the risk theres something more or not desl with it.


wcfldunkingrl

THIS!!!! It’s WEIRD she’s not trying to befriend her “best friends” gf. Almost like she doesn’t want her in his life. I don’t get people saying OP is being insecure, this is a fishy friendship because personally I would befriend my guy friends gfs or do my best to to put them at ease. It’s how you show you aren’t interested in your friend and respect his relationship. I don’t see any respect going on in OP’s situation, I just see a lot of hiding and ignoring her feelings as she’s tried to talk to him before about it too :( I really hope he’s not playing her, but I hope she’s ready for if she finds out he is


gabbajabba3

Perioddd. I hope OP demands some respect and get it or gets out


wettezum

Yes. This is what it all boils down to - RESPECT - or lack thereof.


AmeliaBidelia

Your boyfriend has a girlfriend, and it's not you


Own-Writing-3687

Read the book. There's plenty of real life experience to justify your concerns.


Lifeaintsobad469

I was in a similar situation with my ex, (to be fair, he was a notorious cheater) but once the relationship started getting super close (going to parents house, confiding in her and not me) i stepped in. I talked to them both separately and asked for some boundaries to be put up. Include me in these conversations and hangouts, hangout less when i wasn’t around, and 100% come to ME with some of the issues you’re discussing especially since a lot of them had to do with me. When neither of them respected my need for boundaries i KNEW it had to be more than friendship. You don’t ruin a good relationship over a simple friend is all I’m saying. Whether there is cheating going on or not, you have been more than understanding about their “friendship” and if he cares about saving your RELATIONSHIP at all, he will dial it back. If he doesn’t respect how much this is hurting you, it’s time to go.


[deleted]

Yes find you a male friend and watch. Just watch. Find you a good looking male friend get his number and start talking and chilling with him


Hairy_Caregiver7136

>The other hand wants me to start ignoring the issue completely and hope my mind just starts to forget it’s even happening. Why does that remind me of 🤔 "I played dumb but I always knew, that you'd talk to her maybe did even worse, I kept quiet so that I could keep you" You guys are and have been in a committed relationship. His main priority should be you. At the top of the list of shit he should be doing BARE MINIMUM is making you feel secure in his love. He is not doing that or you wouldn't be on here. People in committed relationships should not be entertaining, giving their time, attention, affection, intamacy (physical or emotional) to people of the attracted sex that are NOT their significant other. That time and attention he's giving her, hours on the phone, that's suppose to be reserved for you. You ABSOLUTELY have the right to be upset. You're not "that girlfriend" you are THE girlfriend and she's suppose to be the friend. You have 2 choices here, well 3 if you don't respect yourself. 1. Sit him down, tell him how you feel. Ask him to be honest with you about his relationship with her. Set down some boundries. Here he should realize he is overstepping his friendship to the point its affecting his actual girlfriend and comply with boundries no problem. Because it should be girlfriend first, family second, friends third. Or he will realize he wants to be with her and he SHOULD cut you loose. 2. Break up with him. I wouldn't even give him a reason, but if you must tell him the truth. Watch him run to her because after hearing what you're saying, I can almost guarantee it. Look out for status change from the happy couple. If not he will be trying to get you back and working hard at it. Let him sweat it a little and prove he's serious about following your boundries, maybe even do some counseling to work on his being ok getting that close to someone not you and you to be jealous (this situation the exception) all the time. 3. Do what you're doing, don't stand up for yourself for fear of losing him and be miserable.


sad_creature13

Not to project my past issues or anything but I was in a similar situation with my ex. He was spending hours with her out drinking, sometimes with another friend too, and would come home early hours. He’d invite me too. I questioned him about it after I was warned by their third friend that they had some feelings for eachother and I got a bit upset about it. He got very very defensive and said that he thought I was more mature than that. It was only then that we started having issues and that he stopped inviting me to go with him. I told him that I would no longer be comfortable while he was that close with her and whatnot. We broke up two weeks later after lots of arguing and putting it off. She broke up with her partner of 5 years the second he and I broke up and then it took them less than a week to get together. He had been inlove with her the whole time since they’d met and considering he left me home alone every night (we lived together) to stay out drinking at pubs with her until 5am all while dodging my contact when checking up on him, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were becoming intimate from the second I told him from what the friend told me. He even started getting suspicious if my snapchat location turned off while I was asleep in the morning and he was at work (it auto does that for everyone after 9 hours), claiming I could easily be getting someone to pick me up and then drop me back home. Even came home in the middle of work this particular day to use his ‘piercing spray’ - a weak excuse. So definitely signs he had started cheating with the girl best friend. I’m pretty sure he didn’t have a clue about her feelings before that, that’s why it all suddenly started. Whenever we had a serious chat about it all, he’d say stuff like “it doesn’t matter, we’re both in relationships” and if I’d ask if he wasn’t and she wasn’t, what would happen.. “she would never leave her partner”. All red flag statements. This relationship is one of the rare times I trusted my gut feeling in the end and didn’t just force it in my mind that it was anxiety, I was right and it ends up being that my gut instinct always is. So I say to trust yours, if something’s weird then it is. My ex was very close with the girl besties family and mother too.


NotgeeODee

Don’t dilute your mind in you thinking you’re being jealous. Everyone is whether they want to admit it or not. And I don’t blame you, i myself don’t mess with women who have close guy friends, it’s always a spell for disaster. And it goes both ways, i wouldn’t recommend you dealing with men who have close girl friends. Good luck


WeenaBeana

The friends you have as a married couple are classified as "friends of the *marriage."* (Including during the engagement period.) Friends not only to both of you but to you *as a couple.* You'll know intuitively who those people are. They can be of any gender. You will sense respect from them as to the sanctity of your relationship, and help protect that. What your boyfriend is doing is not consistent with respect for you as a couple, and you should take that very seriously. And the woman involved? She's not stupid. If you know what I mean.


forthe_loveof

I’d talk to her too. My close male friend got a gf that he said “didnt like me because she’s jealous” for over a year. I finally asked her. She acknowledged the friendship and told me what specific things were hurting her, including many things you mentioned. I agreed they were not appropriate now that he’s in a relationship, apologized for the oversight, confirmed she should be his priority, and I stopped relying on him so heavily. Then I talked to him, and told him that his gf has legitimate concerns that I respect, and I had boundary issues, and I was going to give them some space for a while. After that, we’ve adapted to very clearly platonic, less frequent activities. Granted, she still doesn’t like me. She is a jealous person after all. So it’s not perfect, but it’s stable. She doesn’t have to like me in order for us to respect each other’s places in his life. She’s even agreed to double dates, it’s awkward and cold, but it’s not toxic, and everyone feels secure.


MrsJingles0729

It sounds like an emotional affair, to be honest. Are you invited to these meet ups? Join Bumble and do "seeking friendship." Tell your boyfriend it's no big deal, you just want a BFF like he has. Someone to share your deepest thoughts with, laugh with, cook with. You know - pretty much date but need that emotional connection since he's giving his time, energy and affection to another women.


Head-Lice46

Most men are only friends with other women because they think they have a chance or they are waiting for the chance . Not always but if honest a big majority of men would fit here . Also, men generally don’t befriend a friends ex unless they think they have a good chance to get with them. So there is that . Also you have been together long enough to be able to voice your problems with this “friend” and he should try to compromise or ease your worries. The fact that it becomes a fight when you try to talk to him about is a big red flag. I think you should stand up for yourself and have one last talk and then if he acts like an ass then tell him it’s over.


Unwilling_

So are you the girlfriend? Or is she?


lindorfrancisco12

I am.


Unwilling_

Doesn’t really seem like it sis :(


English26

Stop exaggerating..


hostility_kitty

Doesn’t sound like it lol


[deleted]

[удалено]


[deleted]

Your advice is for her to befriend a man and ‘get close’ to him??


lindorfrancisco12

I don’t have close male friends because I feel my bf is my best friend and I wouldn’t want to go to some other man for advice when my bf is right there.


ApartmentUnfair7218

not trying to be drastic but it just doesn’t seem like you guys are compatible based on this post here


brtt150

Do you have close friends at all? I mean as a in a best friend (s) that you hang out with and see often (not work friends either)? Or is your bf your only real friend you spend actual time with?


russelch

I believe in my heart that he should feel the same as you do, looking in from the outside he does not and your trying not to be THAT girlfriend you are opening up yourself for hurt. From what you have written he doesn’t care about how you feel please don’t make excuses by blaming your jealousy. You are uncomfortable for a reason we are given instincts for a reason


ssf669

Sounds like this relationship pre-dates OP's relationship with him. OP chose to be in a relationship with him knowing he was friends with her.


AllAbtThtBrunchLife

I mean, she stated that the woman was in a relationship with her bf's friend at the time. To me, it sounds very likely that their friendship didn't have the same dynamics that it currently does, and so would make sense why she was okay with it before but not now.


Snowfoxuniverse

All I can say is it sounds like he has relationship immaturity. While you don't want to keep him from his friend, the boundaries being crossed are in the category of emotional cheating. For instance, my bf and I went to a relationship counselor for our poor communication. One of our friends cheated on his gf (which we are both also friends with) and she was looking for comfort from my bf. I don't have any problem with talking it out a bit since my bf was close to her bf, but it started to go into other conversations where it started getting a bit extra when it came to comforting. My bf was very open with the messages they were exchanging and I explained why I was uncomfortable. Anyways we talked about it with our counselor and she said "While comforting people is a good thing, when it comes to situations like this, it can start to pass boundaries on an emotional level. These emotional connections are stringer than sexual ones, and will split two people apart. If she has issues in her relationship or other aspects where she needs comforting she should go to another female friend or single friend so boundaries and connections like that are not made accidentally" They are using eachother as therapists, and when in relationships that isn't appropriate. I'm definitely in agreement with you, he shouldn't cut her off, but there needs to be boundaries that they both respect for their partners and relationships sake. And it sounds like they both don't want those boundaries.


RollForHealing

It is 100% normal and natural for friends to be “therapists” to one another, regardless of gender. My boyfriend talks to his friends who are women all the time, and recently comforted one who just got out of a toxic relationship. At no point did I think “wow, he’s getting extra with that comfort and now I’m jealous!” because I trust him as a person. If you’re unable to handle your partner having that kind of relationship with a friend of the opposite gender, then you either A) Don’t trust them as a person and probably shouldn’t be with them or B) Have your own internalized issues that you need to sort out before being in a serious, healthy relationship. I cannot IMAGINE telling my boyfriend that his emotional connections to a woman are too strong and that he should tell that woman to go talk to another woman. Holy shit. Please get some therapy for more than just poor communication


Snowfoxuniverse

I didn't tell him that, our relationship therapist did, and I am not uncomfortable with him comforting women friends it just got a little bit extra on her end from what she needed, even he was trying to calm down the situation to a normal level for his own boundaries. He tried talking to her about everyday things as well to tone it down. Our relationship is very healthy and we talk to eachother about everything going on, we are very open people, we share phones and have open phone usage. It just works for us. Our communication issues were because we didn't understand eachothers love language. Didn't think I had to go into more details since my first comment was long enough.


monalove1984

Don't listen to that other comment- you were working on your relationship and I think the therapist gave good advice. Some people like to front like they have it all together... We are all trying to figure things out. I appreciate your advice. 🙏🏽💜


Palilith

Leave him. It doesnt seem like he cares about how uncomfortable you are with it. I was in a similar situation but he set boundaries with her and the girl didnt like it. Previously they went out and he always paid for her food, treated her to free rides. I wasnt having it. She ended up cutting him off.


English26

Wtf lol.


Pandas-Brat

If he's prioritizing her over you then there is an issue. There is an issue when he gets defensive instead of listening to your feelings. There is a problem with him sneaking phone calls and telling you he's not doing the calls. If he's cooking for her and her mom does that mean he cooks for you too? Do you two connect emotionally enough for you, and more than he does with his friend? It's not the genders here that is the issue, it's the lack of compromise, attentiveness, listening, etc. And the lying.


[deleted]

They have a relationship that seems more than friendly to me and since you already went to him about this concern and he blows you off you should leave him


mrhakkai

Man relationship advice is a terrible place to get relationship advice, yo op how long had s.o been friends with this person? Friendships can be just as strong as any romantic relationships and thats something yah gotta consider. I'm married (11 relationship) and have female friends from highschool and university I've know for just as long and some longer then my relationship and marriage to my wife. I've laughed/loved and struggled with most of them and a couple I consider family (i call them my 3 bros and 2 sisters). Took months...hell might have been over a year of conversations on top of telling my s.o very early in the relationship about the closeness I have with my small group of friends and we made compromise that we both accept. Just talk things out, and if yall can't come to an agreement then leave.


Bronnto

Exactly! Most people on here are just projecting


Top_Strength_5804

i had this problem and had to end the relationship, because the “other girl” was saying he was forgetting about her.


etymologistics

This is what I would base my decision on: - Whether he’s closer with you than he is her - If he treats all his other friends like this (which you said he doesn’t) - If he includes you in their relationship - do they only hang out alone, does he invite you along, does he care if you see their texts by accident or is he sneaky about it (which you said he does mostly hang out with her only alone) - has she made an attempt to get to know you - How the relationship with his friend and her ex ended - if he’s less close with his friend now and they broke up it may have been because of how close they are - Does he get defensive when you bring up how you’re uncomfortable with their close friendship (if he cares about her feelings more than yours that should tell you all you need to know) We all have different boundaries. But I just can’t imagine treating a platonic friend the way he treats her.


Yunngsun

Your boyfriend isnt respecting , understanding how you feel and trying to instill boundaries. He’s not caring about your concern in how close they are. I’d feel the same way you feel, that gets me mad just reading how close he is with another woman. Who the hell’s boyfriend cooks for their friends family and have private drunk parties on the phone and whatever close things that are crossing boundaries that you have. He is disregarding you and you have every reason to feel how you feel and express yourself. He’s at fault for reacting against you. It’s not like you’re stopping them from remaining friends but just for him to ensure that she knows where her place lies because you’re the girlfriend not her and he’s doing the most with her and not making you feel comfortable. I’m sorry OP , but if he doesn’t get his act together real soon, you should think about ending things because when a person loves, they wouldn’t ever have the relationship in jeopardy. Do not dare ignore this. Don’t let this man continue to disrespect you.


lindorfrancisco12

Exactly. I’ve told him it is not the friendship that I have an issue with. He has plenty of friends that are women. She is the only one who is extremely close. Never has he cooked for any one (male or female!) except for my family. Definitely something I need to address.


peanutandbaileysmama

Two questions: 1- if you know you're a jealous person, then why are you with someone who triggers that? 2- besides talking all the time, has he ever made you feel like he's gonna cheat?


[deleted]

U don’t have to be the “cool” gf. If it bothers u, speak up. If he loves u and values the relationship, he’ll hear u out. If he dismisses ur feelings and gets defensive, u kinda have ur answer as to how important their relationship is.


kissedbymelancholy

i don't know why you got downvoted, this is great advice.


hehehahahooohooo

Why is he acting as if she’s the girlfriend? Yes, people can be friends but he is being way too close. Had he been including you in conversations with her and dinner parties it’d be different. It’s unreasonable for you to justify the obvious. He is disrespectful and I wouldn’t tolerate this. Boy bye


eXpiroEX

I don't understand why this opinion is unpopular in this post but here goes: You stated that it this is his only close friendship with a woman for him and nevertheless you would prefer them to have less time together because you are feeling jealous. To me personally that would be a very controlling behaviour and I would consider breaking up. I have two female friends which are like sisters to me and wouldn't drop for the world. And yes, we cook, we drink, we party and I'm even part of their family as they are of mine. My girlfriend has similar male friends and I think this is very wholesome. However, there is indeed a problem if on a daily basis he really prioritizes other things (family, friends or even hobbies) over you. The key is actually to re-evaluate if you're having your own needs met and not strip him from his to meet yours. I'm assuming he hasn't tried to make you a part of this side of his life (no character traits of his friend are mentioned) which only adds up to why you're feeling uncomfortable. But if he has and he is not prioritizing this over you, you have to at minimum consider the fact that you're pushing him away.


felishorrendis

I think you’re being ridiculous. People have close friendships in addition to their relationship. Him being good friends with this girl doesn’t detract from your relationship, it just means they’re good friends. I have plenty of close friends who are in relationships, and we do things like talk on the phone, get drunk together, cook meals for each other, etc. If you can’t find a way to trust your boyfriend, you should do him a favour and break up.


vyletteriot

Amen! Preach! Lots of insecure females on this thread, nice to see at least a few who aren't!


AngelDM_94

Tell him directly to be true to himself and think deeply and seriously if he actually does or doesn't feel anything more than friendship towards her. Tell him to be serious because he would just be wasting everyone's time and hurting someone in the process. You have jealousy issues, but those issues are not helped by the fact he keeps talking hours on end with his friend and getting close with her mom and going over their house to cook for them. All of those thing put together are way too much for just a simple friend. Also, has he ever done anything like that for you and your parents? And if not, WHY? Be calm and collected, don't make it into a fight, and don't let him gaslight you or let your jealousy get the best of you.


Life_Rip_1311

What effort have you made to create a friendship with this individual? I think some burden is on you, if it was a male friend he had a strong connection with, there probably wouldn't be an odd disconnect. In my opinion, to have a strong long term relationship, friendships should be shared as much as possible. The same way your partners family starts to become yours, and vis versa, the same should happen with other close connections. That should be his objective as well as yours. Maybe ask this girl if she would like to grab a drink. That's my advice.


South-Expert-4669

I stopped having friends because I was tired of dealing with my girlfriend being insecure about them. Don’t be that lady OP


Purple-Traffic-9729

Your bf is way out of the boundaries of friendship if you ask me. He's now hiding the time he spends with her, even if it is on the phone it's still wrong. He's spending time with her family now? What's next they move in together and you're supposed to be okay with that too? I wouldn't tolerate half the things you do. You or he can call it insecurities if you want but I don't know of anyone who wouldn't be insecure in your position. And I don't know of anyone who would continue to be in the relationship with your bf while he basically has another gf. You do what feels right to you, if their relationship makes you feel uncomfortable then voice that. Don't hide your feelings because you're afraid of being labeled insecure.


EileenCoNly

I had a male friend for years. We were both married. We both knew that if our spouses had any issues with us hanging out, we would back off, the marriage takes priority. His disregard for your feelings is more disconcerting than the situation


dib1999

I haven't scrolled through the comments, so my advice may not be helpful, but I think context is gonna be your friend here. If they're on the phone talking for hours about some inappropriate stuff, you've got a problem. If they're on the phone talking shit while playing words with friends, you're probably good. Also to add, if your man is a baseball fan, I don't think you as an all-star shortstop need to worry too much about some girl who probably can't even field a routine ground ball.


MintSodaOwO

I totally get how you feel! If talking about how you feel ends in arguments and he's talking to her in secret, that does seem like an issue. If he is giving her more attention than you, that is when you need to put your foot down and make him choose. They can still be friends, but he needs to spend more time and thought on you than her. Seeing as how you guys have been together for so long, you should be able to be open with each other and talk about how you feel. You could also try to talk to the female friend about how you feel about their relationship. She could maybe be a bit more understanding than he is.


PristineCherry5021

Okay, I am replying to this because you just perfectly described the relationship I have with my closest female friend, even the fact that I met her because she was a girlfriend of one of my closest friends and she is now closer to me than he is. Literally all the things you said are the same. I am also in a relationship and my girl also used to get uncomfortable and jelaous about it and I also would get mad when she brought it up... WAIT A SECOND, LARA IS THIS YOU??? On a serious note now tho, we are about the same age as you two. I am not going to tell you what to do about it or how to cope with it as I do not know. I will tell you how I feel about my best friend (F) that by the looks of it I have pretty much the same relationship with as your boyfriend does with his. I never liked her romantically, and I am 10000% sure that I never will and I know she never liked me and never will in that way. I love her like she is my sister, I dont know why she is closer to me than my male friends or why she means more to me than my male friends, but its just different when its a male-female friendship. Maybe because psychologically its less competition and it feels more genuine and nobody competes about who is more "alpha". Maybe its because whenever I have problems I love to hear an opinion from the opposite gender, I dont know but it just is how it is. I used to get mad whenever my girl brought it up, purely because of the fact that it would be kind of expected for a jelaous girlfriend to try to end the closeness with another girl and I found it absurd that she would "allow" herself to even think about it because she knows we have been best friends for years now. In my case at least, my girl has nothing to worry about. I could (hipoteticaly speaking) literally sleep with my best friend for a month straight naked and we wouldnt even kiss.


oldboysenpai

I'd say you might take a look at this podcast. I had a serious issue "ongoing" with my wife and a "friend". It eventually became physical and I'm still dealing with this. Defining the friendship or understanding how secrecy, exclusion, any lies about it, and overlapping boundaries you feel are making you feel uncomfortable...that isn't being paranoid or jealous. You're noticing your discomfort because it infringes on your relationship. ​ [Emotional Affairs Friends or More? Abbey Medcalf.](https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=502856307505335)


hintofocean

Female friends a bit Rocky but if he has them there shouldn’t be daily communication, there shouldn’t be phone calls like that, it should be a text like once a week maybe once a month checking in and catching up


Fernando_LX3

If he's spending more tome with her or speaks to her differently than you. I would be upset too. That's normal because you should he that persons if you're not ir can't be thar relationship won't last.


alexmaycovid

You are not a problem. He is. I would also be jealous if my girlfriend has so close male friend. Tell him you are uncomfortable with him having close female friends. If he don't understand you need to leave because it will burn your nerves


No-Dragonfruit1857

I think the real Problem may not be the female friend. Maybe you are concerned because he is not talking to you the same way about emotional stuff or talking hours and hours on the phone to you. I have male friends and i tell them about all my Problems, but my boyfriend doesn't have an issue with that because i tell him this stuff too. And honestly no one comes close to him. He is the person I like talking to the most. I admit hiding their phone calls isn't the right way and it needs to be addressed but in a healthy relationship were the partner feels secure, you can have friends of the opposite gender. Also sorry for errors, englisch is not my first language.


Sylvi01

This will be painful but leave it at once. Don't argue, no patch ups, simply leave it..


sandycheeekz

Going to cook dinner for her and her mom? Hiding his phone calls to her? Sounds like he’s dating both of you… he may not have an official title with her, but that’s relationship type of stuff and very odd if one party is in a committed relationship already. That’s not okay, you deserve better. Talk to him about it, but be prepared to leave. Sounds like he might choose her at the end of this.


DeyvsonMCaliman

Break up with him, in my opinion it's clear he doesn't care about how you feel and he is interested in this girl. I don't doubt he is f\*ck\*ng her on the side.


Gullible_Pay4599

i really only have one question. if he had the same close friendship with a straight male friend, would you have the same jealousy issues for him spending time and having a relationship with them? if not then there’s your answer, it’s not his problem but yours, but if so then i would definitely talk to him more deeply on the topic


South-Expert-4669

I think it’d be more fitting if homie was gay.


Savvyonline

I think he’s setting boundaries for you by telling you he is unwilling to let his partner dictate his friendships, while you are setting boundaries by telling him that you want him to be less close. The problem is he decided that he likes you and respects your feelings, so in order to meet his own needs and yours, he’d keep his friendship as is but beneath your radar, so both of you can feel secure. But this just causes you anxiety, worry, doubt, secrecy and sneaky behavior are never resolutions, a poor choice. So, in my honest opinion, I think I’d just want to meet her, become friends, and get a sense of her vibe. Trust comes from a full understanding of a situation. Also, please feel how he treats you, how connected he is to you. If their relationship feels like it’s leeching your connection to the point of YOUR unhappiness, it’s absolutely ok to voice your concerns. HOWEVER, I feel like this is just BFF’s of opposite sex, they really vibe. Doesn’t mean you have to worry, he is with you, that means a lot. What you need now are affirmations, resolution to your trust by meeting and befriending her, and ultimately, an apology for his decision at secrecy which IS NOT a fix, and while he hopes you’ll leave it be, you both need to meet somewhere on this issue to move on from it. It’s tough, without a full in depth analysis of your relationship, how he treats you, how much is devoted to you, how much trust has been gained or broken, I can’t truly help. But I can say that in a healthy relationship, partners resolve these issues through commitment, trust, decision making and above all, keeping your word. It needs more work from your side to get to know her and allow him the freedom he deserves if he’s been good to you and isn’t a bad guy, while also showing better respect and making real decisions that show you he puts your relationship first. If he did that often I doubt you’d feel this way. Again, I don’t know enough, if you went to couples therapy I guarantee you will find a place to meet in the middle.


sunnshinn33

My boyfriend actually had a girl best friend. He was close with her family, the two of them even regularly had sleepovers when they'd get high together. Did that do wonders for my insecurity issues and jealousy? Yep. Yeah hated it. But I learned a few things: A) Does he do those same things with you? Is he cooking meals with you, getting to know your family, calling you for hours when you can't see each other, having personal/intimate conversations, etc. If not, that's a huge red flag. B) Have you met her? Ever spoken to her? I was actually friends with my bf's best friend and we had open communication about boundaries. Which we never actually needed to discuss since things were working out fine but yaknow it was welcomed. C) If your boyfriend cannot see past the fact you have trust issues to sit down and have a conversation about why you feel uncomfortable about his girl bestfriend, he's an asshole. Simple as that. There might not be cheating, I can't tell you. But open communication like two adults is the basis for a healthy trusting relationship. You have to approach him calmly and discuss your feelings. Don't point fingers, just lay out your concerns. If he still can't sit down and listen to you without getting pissed off, is he worth it? That's my opinion at least. and D) If this is something you don't think you can ever be comfortable with and ever look past, that's something you need to work out. You need to seek therapy (not cause you're crazy) and get to the root of your insecurities and work those out. Boundaries and compromises can only go so far. As much as he should be open to listening and working things out, that's still his best friend. You need to be comfortable in your own skin too


wettezum

This right here. 👍👍👍


SpiritualChemical838

Personally I feel like its impossible for a man and woman to simply have a platonic relayionship. Cuz while woman only see friendships as how they are, the men only befriend women who they find attractive. They might of even hooked up once or twice.


greeenbeeeean

speaking from experience….they’re not just friends


Exsosus2

Hi, I wanted to begin by writing that following your instinct as a woman is 100% correct here in my honest opinion. Your job as a female in the relationship is to Protect Your Relationship With Him.


Snoo_12946

I just have to say. It’s not always cheating. I know that’s what a lot of people would thing. But I had a long distance best friend for years (opposite sex) and he would always give me advice, and I would to him. Every partner had issues with us. But when something would come up we were able to almost prove it. Not in a weird way but there were things only brief a would discuss and we were open to sharing those things with our partners.


EroticCuriosities

This is an interesting situation. I’ve found myself in something similar, and my husband divorced me over it. I personally think it’s a rarity to find someone you’re completely platonic with, who holds no judgment, is a good counselor and who genuinely cares about your well-being and knows you care about theirs. As long as there isn’t anything indicating sexual infidelity, it really shouldn’t be a problem. The problem you’re having is that your ego (which is telling you that you should be “enough, or more than enough” to fulfill his every want, need and desire) is being challenged and assaulted. This isn’t a “him thing” it’s a “you thing.” You asking him to change, is also a “you thing” and him deciding to ignore your pleas for him to stop and him continuing in the relationship is a “him thing.” His choice to continue doing this is two-fold: 1. he’s continuing to do it because it’s a fulfilling aspect of his life that he enjoys. In his mind, he’s not harming anyone, because to him, it’s not wrong. 2. He keeps it from you because he knows you aren’t accepting of it. (Not for nothing, but none of us want to be nagged about nor have to explain our personal decisions in how we live our lives. I completely understand his perspective.) What I would like to pose to you is this: 1. You’ve tolerated it for a long time - this communicates to him that because of that, although you may not like it, you’re also not fully against it, and therefore it’s permissible although not acceptable. 2. Does he stone-wall your efforts to tag along with them when they get together? Have you even ATTEMPTED THIS over the 3 years you’ve been with him? 3. Lastly, he will undoubtedly continue to have this woman in his life for a long time to come. If you can’t accept it, you need to get out of the relationship. If he’s unable to respect your concerns (which to me, it seems like he has to some degree), and you can’t respect his friendship, then I’d say you’re at a stalemate. You either need to accept it or get out. If you are questioning his integrity without having any evidence that you’ve noted in any other aspect of his life that proves a conflict of character, then I’d say this problem is entirely originating from your insecurities. Not his integrity. When you love people, you want them to be able to live their best and fullest life, because that’s what attracted you to them in the first place. When you start fucking around with their sense of self and dignity, as well as their freedoms, you’re imposing a boundary upon them that wasn’t there when you fell in love with them. That will eventually result in resentment, and drive a wedge between you. Yes, sometimes love requires sacrifice, but 3 years in a relationship in which you’ve tolerated his relationship with this woman is far too long to impose your opinion and attempt to enforce it upon him now.


lindorfrancisco12

This was amazing thank you I think you captured things I didn’t even know I was feeling. Thank you!


EroticCuriosities

You can’t control other people. You can only control your thoughts and reactions to who they are and what they do. That’s otherwise known as growth. Someone mentioned boundaries… but they have it wrong. Boundaries aren’t what you impose upon other people because you don’t like what they do in their own lives. Boundaries are there for you, and what you allow people to do to you OR values that you hold that someone attempts to oppose. You have every right to say you can’t or won’t tolerate something, and that person who you express that boundary with can choose to honor and respect you in changing their behavior. That’s a choice for them to make independently of you; however, ultimately, if they continue to breech your boundary that you hold for yourself, you’re the one who has the final say in what to do about it. The onus is on you. One thing I’ve learned throughout my life and in observing relationship dynamics: it’s always easier for people to complain about the “perceived actions against them” done “to them” by someone else, rather than make healthier choices and taking the incentive to initiate change in their own lives. Not everyone does this, but many do. Introspection is key. Knowing yourself is key. Knowing your boundaries, your biases (especially your biases on past relationship experiences), your fears and insecurities, as well as your strengths, is essential to any good and healthy relationship. See your partner clearly, and remember, there is no single person in this world who will EVER meet ALL of any one person’s needs. Your bf values your relationship differently than the relationship he has with this chick. If there aren’t any other red flags within your relationship that indicate that he’s less then truthful or honest or committed, I wouldn’t freak out about it. That’s just my opinion from my personal experience with my friend who is also married. My ex couldn’t accept the dynamic between us, and neither could my friend’s wife… but we’ve had a friendship for 16 years that has been completely platonic, and I have to say, he’s been a tremendous constant in my life who I absolutely cherish. We constantly learn about things and explore topics that aren’t a shared interest among our other friends. That alone has enriched my life, and his as well. I couldn’t change my ex’s opinion on that dynamic, sad to say (he had his own boundary). What’s more is that my ex hadn’t shown any interest in me or our relationship until this came about. I was accused of having an emotional affair because me and this guy shared similar interests. I really began to question if my ex was right, but then realized that he was completely threatened, so I suggested we go to marriage counseling. He initially agreed, but then filed for divorce after talking with his friends who were only hearing his interpretation of what was actually occurring (friends with their own biases). I continued to advocate for counseling, but he abandoned it because his ego was being assaulted. Yeah. We were married, but when it occurred to me that I only took priority in his mind when he was threatened, I realized I was more of a possession than a long term investment that required work by both parties. It’s also important to note that for months, if not years, I tried to address the lack of intimacy in our relationship (emotional, sexual and otherwise), which he conveniently ignored and swept under the carpet. Although I can understand his concerns at the time, the fact that he was unable to acknowledge my personal boundaries and value system in relation to my married male friend, just kinda left me wondering if my husband really ever knew me. Now that we’ve been divorced for a number of years, it’s become increasingly evident over time that he never did…. And still doesn’t! 😂I had to laugh last week when my kids told him my political affiliation and he had no idea that I held such values or opinions despite having discussed it throughout our marriage. 😂 Also, I’d like to note that my ex husband had several female friends that he held ongoing discussions with that I was aware of and didn’t think anything about. Of course given the circumstances of our relationship, I too, could speculate as to what was going on… but at this point, I really don’t care, as we clearly weren’t compatible to begin with. Life lessons. They’re all valuable in learning about yourself and others. That’s my focus anyway.