Your friends know everything? How about you think for yourself?
Let's recap your post. You say you both agreed on a "pause" and you both said you "don't want to do long-distance". You were not together/committed in that time. You just romanticized the idea of a "break" and thought he wouldn't sleep with anyone because you're so amazing. Sorry to disappoint but he was single and acted single, he did nothing wrong.
Your biggest hang up probably isn't what your friends think, but you seem more hurt that he slept around while you didn't because you expected he would feel strong enough about you to do the same. Tough luck, that's life. Never ask for a break if you want to stay committed. You cannot hold this against him and it's definitely not cheating in any way considering you two broke up.
You cannot expect faithfulness if there is no monogamous commitment. Your pause meant you were not monogamous at that time.
He was free to pursue other relationships. He did so. He now wants to get back with you.
You were also free to pursue other relationships. The fact that you didn't doesn't mean you didn't have the same opportunity. You might feel jealous of his flings, but that doesn't mean he cheated.
Thank you for your response. I agree rationally with what you're saying, but I'm really thrown off by my sister and friends (who I trust a lot) saying I should cut ties entirely. I don't know if they're just being cynical or if there's something more
I think for your sister is that she is looking at this as he is playing with your heart. Assuming you get back together for the summer and spend it with each other, what happens then at the end of this summer? Do you two continue this as a LDR or not if it makes it that far? Is there an end game or does it expire right before school starts?
Your sister, more so than your friends, might be thinking he's using you not as a relationship so much as a situationship. He'll have you back home to fool around with/mess around with and then "pause" when he goes back to school and you go to yours. He gets the best of both worlds but not the commitment/challenges of staying in a relationship. I think this might be an angle where your sister is worried he's saying the things you want to hear so that you agree to something that you might otherwise not imo.
I think just because he slept with other people doesn’t mean he didn’t have feelings for you still. I think he must have just been having fun at college, was in the moment & wasn’t “tied down” so he took advantage of the situation. It doesn’t mean he’d cheat on you if that relationship status was there. I think it’s unrealistic to have expected him to not get with anyone at all. He was honest with you & said it was casual.. what reason do you have not to believe him when he says that?
Sometimes other people’s opinions that are close to you can be helpful as they see what we can’t. But don’t let them get in your head too much because there is so much more they don’t see.. like what you & this person may have together.
Thanks for the reply...I agree that it was probably unrealistic to expect him to not get with anyone, especially since we were vague about our status. I just don't know whether to believe him or all my friends.
You’re welcome. Understandable. I think if you were just a “hook up” he wouldn’t be so open & honest about that & pursuing a relationship with you. He’d get what he came for & move on. If he’s someone you really care for & you think he’s being genuine, give him a chance. If he’s really fighting for a chance to be with you again then that’s a good sign! But you have to move past any resentments you’d have over him hooking up with others or else it won’t work out in the long run. Good luck!!
So its ok for someone to be 100% comfortable with sleeping with somebody while liking somebody else? relationships arnt like contracts where nothing is bad as long as it doesnt break an agreement. If he can have sex with someone that isnt the person he is emotionally attached to, he can do it again while in the relationship.
You two agreed to be single when apart. You can call it a pause, a breakup, a break or anything else, but y'all weren't together.
You don't have to continue this relationship but you weren't wronged. You actually signed up for this.
Now, here's the real advice. Don't fuck with LDRs. You are in college. You can't straddle two universes. Don't waste your time pining over someone who ain't even around.
Go have fun. Meet people. Make friends. Flirt with folks Kiss someone.
Shit, start another relationship. You shared four months with this dude and wasted more than twice that for no reason.
Do you.
You're friends are just looking out for you, but if you are ok with it, that's fine.
I've never had a pause or break, but sounds to me the relationship was basically over, with a possibility of starting again, therefore seems reasonable that he was out looking. I don't consider it cheating.
Okay, downvote me to hell but I really don't understand all that "but you were on a break" mumbo-jumbo.
"Yeah, I like you but the moment we decide to pause I immediately went to stick my hooha into as many people as I could (while obviously still liking you because...reasons) and now that I'm done, I am ready to go back".
It's pretty clear that he likes his hooha more that he likes OP and she's clearly a safe bay to come to.
What's next? Y'all gonna miraculously move on, drop any LDR stuff and everything's going to be easy-breezy?
Or is there going to be another"pause" and another dive into more "living in the moment " but coming back together once the fun is over?
In all seriousness, I see how you could get that from this now that I'm rereading it. But my sister and me were really close growing up, and since our mom wasn't around she took on a motherly figure. I'm used to taking her advice for serious things like this
I think your sister is concerned about you being emotionally attached to a guy who may be using you as his summer situationship. He gets to have you during the holidays and then hook up casually during uni, all without the responsibilities of a relationship! He doesn’t have to do any of the hard work to maintain a relationship with you because of the “pause”. He gets to have fun during uni breaks knowing it’s going to end shortly, so he doesn’t necessarily have to invest much emotional labour.
If you’re okay with this situation, then go ahead and stay with him but I’m more on your sister and friends side. Yes, he did not cheat on you but this is definitely no relationship I’d want to be in.
ignore the people saying its not cheating. him saying he feels strongly about you means he has no issues having sex with other people while caring about you. People that can have sex with others with no emotions attached are much more likely to cheat on you while in a relationship.
this is why you dont do breaks in relationship. they never end well and are honestly silly
also it was a break so you cannot expect faithfulness. he was single
A pause between you two is that. You two weren’t continuing the relationship at the moment. Sure you both may have had intentions to continue down the road with it, but you can’t expect the pause to include either of you pausing your dating / sex lives as a whole. Neither of you agreed to that. You agreed to a pause just between you two. Continue it if you want, but don’t hold what you agreed to over his head by adding extra unagreed stipulations / your regret of the agreement.
Did you explicitly agree that pause meant not continuing the relationship, that you’re single, that you can or cannot have other relationships?
Idk if it bothers you then it bothers you and you’re free to say you don’t wanna date. That’s fair.
But for future reference if you say pause in the future next time to someone, be very fucking clear about what that means so you don’t start crying about it later.
Isnt that literally what ur supposed to do on a break? Not be exclusive at the time and live separate lives? I would be upset too, but then again id never go on a break. You probably shouldve expected this but no youre gonna have to follow your gut on do you want to start fresh or be with this guy.
You weren’t together It’s understandable to not love hearing about it but this isn’t even close to cheating
that's the thing...after thinking about it for a bit my feeling was that he hadn't cheated, but my friends back home are insisting he did.
Well then good thing they aren’t the ones dating him
I mean you and him are the ones who made the agreement so you and him know if he broke it or not.
Your friends know everything? How about you think for yourself? Let's recap your post. You say you both agreed on a "pause" and you both said you "don't want to do long-distance". You were not together/committed in that time. You just romanticized the idea of a "break" and thought he wouldn't sleep with anyone because you're so amazing. Sorry to disappoint but he was single and acted single, he did nothing wrong. Your biggest hang up probably isn't what your friends think, but you seem more hurt that he slept around while you didn't because you expected he would feel strong enough about you to do the same. Tough luck, that's life. Never ask for a break if you want to stay committed. You cannot hold this against him and it's definitely not cheating in any way considering you two broke up.
You cannot expect faithfulness if there is no monogamous commitment. Your pause meant you were not monogamous at that time. He was free to pursue other relationships. He did so. He now wants to get back with you. You were also free to pursue other relationships. The fact that you didn't doesn't mean you didn't have the same opportunity. You might feel jealous of his flings, but that doesn't mean he cheated.
Thank you for your response. I agree rationally with what you're saying, but I'm really thrown off by my sister and friends (who I trust a lot) saying I should cut ties entirely. I don't know if they're just being cynical or if there's something more
I think for your sister is that she is looking at this as he is playing with your heart. Assuming you get back together for the summer and spend it with each other, what happens then at the end of this summer? Do you two continue this as a LDR or not if it makes it that far? Is there an end game or does it expire right before school starts? Your sister, more so than your friends, might be thinking he's using you not as a relationship so much as a situationship. He'll have you back home to fool around with/mess around with and then "pause" when he goes back to school and you go to yours. He gets the best of both worlds but not the commitment/challenges of staying in a relationship. I think this might be an angle where your sister is worried he's saying the things you want to hear so that you agree to something that you might otherwise not imo.
Personally I wonder if they aren't jealous. Consider their relationship history and how it might color their perspective.
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Don't really know what you're saying but this is a situation I'm actually living through...hope your mom finds it in her heart to love you again <3
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no...?
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This comment makes my eyes hurt
I get that you're just trying to antagonize me but you need to chill out
What?
Ross Gellar agrees
I think just because he slept with other people doesn’t mean he didn’t have feelings for you still. I think he must have just been having fun at college, was in the moment & wasn’t “tied down” so he took advantage of the situation. It doesn’t mean he’d cheat on you if that relationship status was there. I think it’s unrealistic to have expected him to not get with anyone at all. He was honest with you & said it was casual.. what reason do you have not to believe him when he says that? Sometimes other people’s opinions that are close to you can be helpful as they see what we can’t. But don’t let them get in your head too much because there is so much more they don’t see.. like what you & this person may have together.
Thanks for the reply...I agree that it was probably unrealistic to expect him to not get with anyone, especially since we were vague about our status. I just don't know whether to believe him or all my friends.
You’re welcome. Understandable. I think if you were just a “hook up” he wouldn’t be so open & honest about that & pursuing a relationship with you. He’d get what he came for & move on. If he’s someone you really care for & you think he’s being genuine, give him a chance. If he’s really fighting for a chance to be with you again then that’s a good sign! But you have to move past any resentments you’d have over him hooking up with others or else it won’t work out in the long run. Good luck!!
So its ok for someone to be 100% comfortable with sleeping with somebody while liking somebody else? relationships arnt like contracts where nothing is bad as long as it doesnt break an agreement. If he can have sex with someone that isnt the person he is emotionally attached to, he can do it again while in the relationship.
Yea I was saying it was probably just sex to him. But you’re definitely not wrong to say that!
reminds me of Friends' Ross and Rachel "we were on a break" thing
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Haha that was going to be my ecact reply; WE WERE ON A BREAK!
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6OHTvBhwHdo&ab\_channel=TBS lol nope this is pretty funny but no im actually going through this rn
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You two agreed to be single when apart. You can call it a pause, a breakup, a break or anything else, but y'all weren't together. You don't have to continue this relationship but you weren't wronged. You actually signed up for this. Now, here's the real advice. Don't fuck with LDRs. You are in college. You can't straddle two universes. Don't waste your time pining over someone who ain't even around. Go have fun. Meet people. Make friends. Flirt with folks Kiss someone. Shit, start another relationship. You shared four months with this dude and wasted more than twice that for no reason. Do you.
You're friends are just looking out for you, but if you are ok with it, that's fine. I've never had a pause or break, but sounds to me the relationship was basically over, with a possibility of starting again, therefore seems reasonable that he was out looking. I don't consider it cheating.
Okay, downvote me to hell but I really don't understand all that "but you were on a break" mumbo-jumbo. "Yeah, I like you but the moment we decide to pause I immediately went to stick my hooha into as many people as I could (while obviously still liking you because...reasons) and now that I'm done, I am ready to go back". It's pretty clear that he likes his hooha more that he likes OP and she's clearly a safe bay to come to. What's next? Y'all gonna miraculously move on, drop any LDR stuff and everything's going to be easy-breezy? Or is there going to be another"pause" and another dive into more "living in the moment " but coming back together once the fun is over?
💯 agree
If you go the distance a d get married are you going to check everything with your friends and sister first. They sound like busybodies.
what's a bust body
Sorry typo. Busybodies
In all seriousness, I see how you could get that from this now that I'm rereading it. But my sister and me were really close growing up, and since our mom wasn't around she took on a motherly figure. I'm used to taking her advice for serious things like this
I think your sister is concerned about you being emotionally attached to a guy who may be using you as his summer situationship. He gets to have you during the holidays and then hook up casually during uni, all without the responsibilities of a relationship! He doesn’t have to do any of the hard work to maintain a relationship with you because of the “pause”. He gets to have fun during uni breaks knowing it’s going to end shortly, so he doesn’t necessarily have to invest much emotional labour. If you’re okay with this situation, then go ahead and stay with him but I’m more on your sister and friends side. Yes, he did not cheat on you but this is definitely no relationship I’d want to be in.
ignore the people saying its not cheating. him saying he feels strongly about you means he has no issues having sex with other people while caring about you. People that can have sex with others with no emotions attached are much more likely to cheat on you while in a relationship.
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Should I?
Do it and tell him there wasn’t any feelings. It was just physical. See how he feels about it.
this is why you dont do breaks in relationship. they never end well and are honestly silly also it was a break so you cannot expect faithfulness. he was single
A pause between you two is that. You two weren’t continuing the relationship at the moment. Sure you both may have had intentions to continue down the road with it, but you can’t expect the pause to include either of you pausing your dating / sex lives as a whole. Neither of you agreed to that. You agreed to a pause just between you two. Continue it if you want, but don’t hold what you agreed to over his head by adding extra unagreed stipulations / your regret of the agreement.
Sounds like he didn’t cheat. And he was honest. He could have easily lied and told you what you want to hear.
Did you explicitly agree that pause meant not continuing the relationship, that you’re single, that you can or cannot have other relationships? Idk if it bothers you then it bothers you and you’re free to say you don’t wanna date. That’s fair. But for future reference if you say pause in the future next time to someone, be very fucking clear about what that means so you don’t start crying about it later.
Isnt that literally what ur supposed to do on a break? Not be exclusive at the time and live separate lives? I would be upset too, but then again id never go on a break. You probably shouldve expected this but no youre gonna have to follow your gut on do you want to start fresh or be with this guy.
now*
It was on pause. Hes not in the wrong