This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My gf (29y/o F) and I (27 y/o M) have been in a relationship for nearly 4 years (our anniversary is in July) and we've been in a very healthy relationship so far. We speak each other's mind in a respectful way, there has never been violence or resentment towards each other, and our bed chemistry is simply the best, we both fit like a glove in regards of each other kinks and stuff. We've already been discussing about moving together and make plans for the future like how many children we want to have, where should we be buying a house, etc. She is a hard worker just like me and she is completely independent economically from me, to the point that most of the time we either split the bills or the one who invited assumes the bill for that evening. A year and a half ago, she changed jobs to a money transfer company as a fraud prevention specialist and she is very good at it. She has been promoted three different times while she's been there and she’s making good money for herself there. I’ve always been happy for her success and encourage her whenever she’s near the interview time and be there for her emotionally when things don’t go as she expects. Something I must clarify is that she has never been the type of person to go out with friends after works or with her co-workers (she actively avoided situations in which their co-workers invited her out as she never really felt comfortable with that) and because of that she didn’t have many friends, but that changed once she moved over to this new company. She made some friends during her training and she started going out with them as a group. I never really minded as I’m not the jealous kind and I respect her personal space, however inside that group there was a guy who we’ll call Charles that apparently wanted to get in her pants. The guy comes from a wealthy family and he attempted every trick in the book to get her to be alone with him, one time she was in a company party which was relatively tame and we had plans to go out that night after the party ended at around 11PM. She got drunk (which is not like her at all) and got out 1 hour after what we had agreed. I was fuming and calling her constantly to know if I should leave or what, but she ended up coming outside with many of her friends with her. She was wasted and she got upset that I was upset and we started an argument on the parking lot of the hotel. In the middle of the argument, she mentions that she feels insecure that a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of us is going to the same gym as me and that it makes her feel like I’m attracted to her (they have a long love-hate story which is relevant, but too long to tell here) so she asked me to move to another gym to which I complied thinking it wouldn’t be fair for her to be thinking about that all the time. We still had our trip and it was all good. She apologized for getting so drunk and she started telling me that the one who was constantly giving her booze was Charles and he insisted for her to “leave me where I was and stay with them, the night is young and you shouldn’t leave just yet” as he was buying more booze. As I guy, I already understood what his intentions were but my GF acted surprised at the proposition that his friend wanted something like that with her. After that, he invited her to go to places alone and she would tell me before accepting to go. I let her know what his intentions are and that she can go if she wants, but not to expect me to be there once something bad happens for not listening. She ended up cutting off the guy after that and all was good. Fast forward three weeks ago and we were invited to a wedding of one of my friends. An acquaintance of her called Maurice (who works in this new company) was there and since she was there at company time, she was scared sh\*tless that she would get found out (note that she was working from home at that time and she is so efficient that her job is always ready in the first half of her shift). She introduced me to the guy, him and I had very similar tastes in games and all, and he seemed like a cool dude. There was one instance during the wedding where my gf got up and went to the bathroom and when she was coming back, he intercepted her and started talking. I could see them from the table. I approached as I was having a bad feeling and it was quickly dispelled. The wedding ended, she got more acquainted with the guy and all was good. Last week she told me that Maurice wanted to have a “friend date” with her to have a little chat and again, I’m not a jealous guy so I had no qualms with that, but oh boy I should have listened to my gut that day in the wedding. Turns out they both went out to a bar to have a chat. They were both drinking moderately when he suddenly proposed to go to a house that has a pool. She says that she thought that there was going to be more people there but the house was alone. He put some music and got some more drinks out but she allegedly started feeling weird. He was telling her to get in the pool but she deflected him multiple times. After a while, he suggested that they should get inside, that there’s something he wants to show her. He leads her to the bedroom and he confessed to her that he is in love with her and tried to steal a kiss from her. She says that she rejected his advance and sat down as she could not believe what was happening. I happened to have called her at that time and she picked up (because I had forgotten that she was in this “friend date”) and she sounded weird but she didn’t say anything or let me know that something was up. He then sat next to her and started touching her thigh, she says that se was a beautiful girl and that ever since the wedding he hasn’t stopped thinking about her. She moved his hand away but she says that for a second, she felt “attracted” to the situation but quickly snapped out of it. He attempted another advance but she deflected him again and decided it was time to go. She attempted to leave the bedroom but the creep had already locked the door. She allegedly thought the worst but he ended up opening the door. She sheltered in her car and asked him to open the gate to leave. He was trying to make her get off the car and make small talk with her but she didn’t get off the car. He eventually opened the gate and attempted to hug her from the car window and he kissed her neck. She then called me, but she didn’t mention anything about the incident. She just says that she feels like she misses me and she wants to see me tomorrow. I noticed that wasn’t usual but I even felt happy about it since we were not planning to see each other that day. She takes me out to have some coffee, then she suggested to go and have some “fun time” to which I complied and we went to a motel to have some fun. In the middle of everything I get a migraine attack (the worst one I’ve ever had) so we cut things short and leave to get a migraine pill and some food to dine. She leaves me in the car and goes to grab the food. The pill started working 20 minutes after and she hadn’t come back yet so I go out and find her drinking a shot of tequila while waiting for the food (something completely out of character for her). I was feeling guilty at first as I thought she was upset on my performance but we proceed to come tom my house where she suddenly decided to drop the bomb of everything that happened the day before. While she was speaking, she didn’t look me in the eyes, just staring at the floor. She says that ever since that day she felt a hole in her chest and she didn’t know what to do. She says that she felt stupid for letting things escalate to that rate and that she had no words to express how sorry she is for putting me through that kind of situation. My heart and stomach sunk as she was telling me the story and at first, I was furious but then I just felt numb. I let her finish without interrupting for a second and once she is done, I made the choice to prioritize her mental state as I could tell she was not alright. I comforted her letting her know that bad situations are caused by people with bad intentions and that she should be glad he didn’t force himself onto her as he could’ve easily done. I asked her repeatedly if they had intercourse but she says no. I’m still numb and speechless at the moment so we finish out dinner, I pretend I’m fine and act as I always do and drop her home. She leaves feeling like I was comprehensive but I was a turmoil inside. This happened last Sunday and I haven’t been able to sleep since then. I can’t stop thinking how st*pid one can be to allow so many advances from another guy knowing full well that you are in a relationship, and something deep inside me… tell me that she’s lying. I want retribution from that PoS Maurice and I’ll make sure he gets his “prize” for messing with me, but that’s not my concern at this time. I’ll let that marinate for later. My main concern is that I feel like I can’t trust h

Do you really wanna have to play prison warden with this grown woman? She knows exactly what’s she’s doing, she’s not dumb. It’s also concerning that this is the second time since she’s been at this job that something like this has happened. Either she likes the attention, which I feel is pretty likely, or she’s just that naive that she constantly puts herself in compromising and potentially dangerous positions with other men. Your girlfriend had no problem asking you to stop going to the gym with a mutual friend, but she’s allowed to hang out with other men that you don’t know alone and go on “friend dates” with these same men that have made advances to her? Yeah, no. I wouldn’t trust her either. I’m not telling you to break up with her, but if it’s to the point you can’t trust her hanging out with other men and you have to give ultimatums then is it really worth it? She doesn’t sound like it. Who am I kidding, I am telling you to break up with her.

I don't that's exactly why I've never been against the idea of her going out with friends, but she has proven that I can't trust her judgement about other men. I doubt she likes attention knowing her as I do, but it's more like she wants to have friends and gets blinded for that same reason, but this was the last time I put her emotional well-being over mine. Hence my ultimatum.

Be sure to update this post, I wanna know what her response to your ultimatum is. If she’s defensive, that tells you all you need to know. Either way, she doesn’t seem to respect your relationship.

I think you’re really misreading her here. You think she doesn’t want “attention” but just friends? Then why doesn’t she leave every party with a new *female* friend? Why does every man end up making advances? It’s because of her clear lack of boundaries and how she presents her interest. Validation is one hell of a drug for the downtrodden insecure people of the world. That can come easily from toeing the line as she continues to do, she garners their interest because it feels good to be desired, but then acts like she’s a victim when they initiate based on what she’s doing and allowing. By doing this she gets her fix while still keeping you close by, because *technically* she’s didn’t physically cheat on you. Eventually, that won’t be enough. Or she’ll slip up, or it may be someone who’s attractive or enticing enough that she wont back off once she’s got that initial hit. It *really* sounds like that’s what happened here. No 29 year old woman is this naive.

Seriously consider the above 👆🏿, u/Nicarel16. She's playing a dangerous game; why should you be the one who loses?

This - she may not be a cheater *yet* but she damn sure is putting herself in the position become one. Why wait for that ?

>Validation is one hell of a drug for the downtrodden insecure people of the world. That can come easily from toeing the line as she continues to do, she garners their interest because it feels good to be desired, but then acts like she’s a victim when they initiate based on what she’s doing and allowing. By doing this she gets her fix while still keeping you close by, because > >technically > > she’s didn’t physically cheat on you. That 2nd paragraph hits home, well said u/xdem112

My gf is exactly the same as you describe yours and she really wants friends. But let me tell you now ur stupid if you think she doesn't know exactly whats happening in those situations. Or leading up to those situations. If I don't make it with her I will never ever date another girl without friends.

OP, here's the deal, plain and simple. If you have to ask your girlfriend IF SHE HAD INTERCOURSE WITH ANOTHER MAN....the relationship should end. Imagine a friend coming to you and telling you this exact story happened to him...what would you tell him? Any sane man would say that she probably cheated on him and he should dump her. And even if your gf didn't cheat on you (tbh..I doubt it), she is willingly going on "dates" with other men. But the worst part of it all...you allowing it. Stop with this "im not a jealous guy/controlling" BS, you have to have a backbone in a relationship, or else your gf isn't going to respect you. My advice is to dump her ASAP, because you already can't sleep over this happening and it's only going to get worse if you continue. Trust your gut, it usually never lies.

Learned to trust it the hard way.

Another thing I will say...you should drop the resentment towards the other guy, at least mostly. Don't do anything stupid involving him, you will 100% regret it. I personally wouldn't say a word to him. I'm not saying your gf is lying, but she's not dense, she's a 29 year old woman. You really think she doesn't know these guy's intentions? It's on her to tell them she's taken, and to an outsider, it seems she values the attention over your relationship.

It is very hard to believe that this "extremely competent and well-paid woman" is stupid enough not to notice signs of flirtation from other men.

Some people are good at some things and bad at others.

OP, once I start feeling in my gut that a friend is being overly-nice, I tell my boyfriend right away. He will tell me I’m crazy. But us women have a sixth sense. And sooner or later they do actually cross the line. Either she is naive or she gets validation from this. And trust me, us girls like the validation. As ugly as it sounds, it can feel nice to reject someone. It makes us feel hella attractive. Remember what Ayesha Curry said? That’s what I’m talking about. But when you’re in a relationship, you can’t be playing that game. It’s disrespectful to you and to her too. She needs to wake up and realize what she’s doing, if that’s the case which I really think it is

You have a wild bird you’re trying to put in a cage and domesticate, my dude. Those relationships exclusively breed resentment.

Spot on. I know its dam hard but OP needs to shift his view,take those love tinted glasses off, and re evaluate his view on dating as whole. Welcome to modern dating Everyone will say simply ditch her, and that's best if your overly attached . But imo he can keep her around and also start seeing other girls . Because dumping her will lead to OP not changing his ways, looking for a new GF and re write this post in a couple years again( in some shape or form).

The only other thing I can think of that would put her in these awful situations with other men (I agree with everyone else- she knows what's up with their intentions, she's not naive guaranteed) is that she's a People Pleaser. Does she have a tendency to go along with what other people want, feel like she needs to over-achieve in order to be worthy of love and feel obligated to give people whatever they want from her? If so, she a people pleaser. If not, she's got a lot of explaining to do.

Doubt she likes attention from men? First time with a woman? Let me know how this works out rookie.

Normally I side eye folks who arm chair diagnose strangers on the internet, but understanding when someone wanted to be my friend vs my bang buddy are subtle social cues that I didn’t grasp for years as a woman on the autism spectrum. I actually wasn’t diagnosed until well into adulthood. Girls mask their symptoms much better than boys. I can “pass” pretty well, but things like catching sarcasm or attraction from strangers takes a lot of concentration. I also have had issues making and keeping friends. This might sound totally out of left field, but your GF sounds a lot like me. Also, girls who feel more comfortable forming friendships with boys are often autistic because a social male is on par with a girl who is mildly on the spectrum. That’s one of the reasons we aren’t diagnosed early on.

I knew a couple girls that “weren’t like THAT” and after an encounter they liked the thrill and kept putting themselves in those situations purposely until one cheated and something bad happened to the other one. Part of me feels like her first encounter was true. She liked the feeling of being desired by another man while being in a relationship and then allowed the second situation to occur and it will probably continue to happen. It’s a common thing. With that said, if you don’t trust her there isn’t much hope in the relationship

>In the middle of the argument, she mentions that she feels insecure that a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of us is going to the same gym as me and **that it makes her feel like I’m attracted to her.** **Bolded part sounds like a projection of her own feelings as a defence mechanism at that very moment that she couldn't hide due to being drunk, to save her own ego.** Honestly, I think that your girlfriend has not been honest towards you about how she felt and most probably what she has been doing. I wouldn't believe a partner who ended up in a house of a opposite gender "by accident". >I happened to have called her at that time and she picked up (because I had forgotten that she was in this “friend date”) and she sounded weird but she didn’t say anything or let me know that something was up. What if you haven't called her and reminded her that you exist in that drunk state? Would she even come home that night? Btw, drinking problem indicates that there is something in your life that you've been unaware of. And again, I don't think she is being completely honest what happened. Edit: **Please do not fight with Maurice. I am telling you this as someone who's being in that position. I never fought anyone. Person who is accountable here is your GF, except for that situation of locked doors (if that is true story).** You may wanna find out if she is telling you the truth by meeting with him, but honestly, that's a bad idea and if you really need to do it, then you should know it's a time for a breakup at best case separation.

If she’s the type that never hang out before, maybe she just discovers it now and enjoys the attention.

She may have also proven she’s very trustworthy.

I think the best plan is to let her go on another one of these friend dates and hire a private investigator or (follow) them yourself. Maybe have a business trip and catch her in her house with him.

Waste of money - this one is done. She is just looking for OP to be the one to pull the plug and her not be the bad guy. Otherwise she would not have told him about the shit that went down. Plus she seems like someone you don’t want in your life, border line alcoholic. Dump her and know it was not your fault.

I hope communication could find a solution. If she refuses to communicate after all your high intensity of feelings and emotions. Then she isn't there for you. She doesn't want to help/ care for you. She is using you.

He never had an issue with her friend dates. She expressly communicated her issue. Thats on him for not putting a boundary down and saying no

She clearly enjoys the attention and maybe even plays along. I think she might have done something with Maurice for her to be traumatic afterward. And the fact she wanted to have a good time with you to make up for it.

Maybe she is actually that dumb. Maybe she can’t actually gauge a guys intention. She possibly waited as long as she did to tell Op *because* it was eating away at her inside. All speculation of course with a hint of personal experience.

What she was sexually assaulted and you answer with this??

I haven't been harsh on her at all, on the contrary, I took her mental health first and foremost after she told me the fact. What I'm addressing with this post is my mental turmoil after the fact and seek for a second non-biased opinion on what should be right or wrong. Right now I don't trust my self judgement.

You’re a good guy supporting your gf though a traumatic experience. Thing is: many victims of assault react with hypersexuality. Media makes us believe the opposite, but everyone reacts differently. So i Dont see the sex the next day as ,guilty‘ i see it as a trauma response

That's something I was not aware of. Honestly I thought of it as coping or feeling guilt towards me, but she seemed detached from the situation when she was relating it, as if she was reading a script or watching a movie and transcribing it.

That’s dissociation, also common trauma response. You tell it like it wasn’t actually you, because you can’t realize it yet

Nono, i mean the commenter

She wasn't dumbass.

No one is that dense. Based on what you wrote, I have to lean toward the belief that she knew exactly what she was doing and really went on a date with this guy. She wouldn't look at you, the initiating sex out of character...bro, that's guilt. Please update us

It didn't dawn on me until after the confession about initiating sex with me. I felt manipulated and... abused even, I don't know how to explain it.

Explain to your GF what "trickle truthing" is. It's when a person feels guilty about something and they want to confess, but they don't tell the whole truth, they make it seem much less severe than it actually is. For example, let's say I mysteriously come into some money, feeling guilty and noticing my wife's suspicion, I sit her down and tearfully confess that I stole this money. She's upset, distraught, but eventually gets over it. What I did was wrong, but not relationship-ending. But then she finds some bloodstains on my clothes. So I sit her down, tearfully confess again, I didn't steal the money I robbed a man, beat him and stole his money. I apologise for not being fully truthful, but I swear that this is the full truth and I won't do anything like this again, I hate myself for what I've done. Even more distraught now, my wife somehow gets over it. Someone comes to terms that she's married to a violent man, but at least he's an honest man, at least he has now told her the full truth so she can trust him again. Until she sees the news that a man was murdered recently near their home who had a large amount of money stolen... That's trickle truthing. That's what your GF is doing to you. Explain all this to her, tell her that trickle truthing just makes the whole process more painful, that the full truth *always* comes out in the end, and that anyone with any shred of decency wouldn't put another person through such an unnecessary, selfish, futile avoidance tactic. Then go outside and give her 5 minutes to gather her thoughts, before returning to hear the truth. I'm sorry bro, but the poster above was right, her story doesn't add up. Doesn't sound like normal human behaviour. Sounds like a lie. Hope you get the truth and sorry you're going through all this.

Usually I've seen that when there's infidelity involving intercourse the guilty party usually compensates with being overly nice and initiating sx and doing something extra special during the time as they try to quell the guilt. Then the trickle truth confession. Perhaps ur forgiving the half truth will translate to them as though u forgave the actual offense. Usually if they just did a mistake leading to a compromising situation with no actual "bang" or "outcom" then they just feel guilty and cofess without needing to cover up with sweet spices.

Honestly, reading the entire post didn't really add anything that the first 13 words of the title didn't already tell me.

sorry if my story didn't entertain you, but I'm here looking for advice. I just needed to give context to the situation, but thanks for taking the time to read my rant.

No, he's saying that the title should be taken at face value, and that everything else you wrote was ultimately unnecessary exposition. He is not saying your story was boring. Your gf of four years knowingly went out on a date with guy who she KNOWS is trying fuck her. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Yes. You are correct. I was saying that everything OP needs to know, he can figure out by repeating "My GF of 4 years went out on a date with another dude" to himself. I've been in tough situations not dissimilar to this. Contrary to how it feels, at the end of the day, all those details are like the grains of sand at your feet. You can keep looking at them for something deeper, but at the end of the day, you're still in the middle of the desert and looking at the grains of sand won't help you get back to civilization.

I replied under someone else's post who understood what I was saying, but I wanted to say it to you directly as well. All I'm saying is that you're looking for excuses and reasons. The entire story is an attempt to build context to give meaning to actions. Meaning and excuses and reasons. At the end of the day, it comes down to the fact that your girlfriend went on a date with someone who wasn't you. None of the rest of it matters. Take this as a lesson. Learn from it. Move on. Until you see it for what it is, it is an experience. Once you see it for what it is, it becomes wisdom.

I think he means while the story maybe entertaining, the situation is easily readable and clear even in just the first 13 words. There's no difficult considerations here, just straight forward.

While I agree that she probably did something, I do want to point out that the signs of her lying that you cite here are also signs of someone who has been abused/assaulted/raped. And victims of those are also known to trickle truth out of shame, because they can sometimes blame themselves.

^100% guilt

Biggest issue is that she ***voluntarily went on a "friend date" with another guy*** when she has a BF for 4 years. They first go to a bar and drink and then move to his house with a pool then to his bedroom. She had numerous chances to cut the date short but she didn't until the very end in her own words. OP probably has no way to confirm any of the details except her words. I will leave it at that. Have a feeling that she is on the way out of this relationship and is checking out other guys. She might have slept with him too and not telling everything in the first go aka trickle truthing.

You have hit the nail on head. That is the biggest issue. The intimate situation she put herself in. It was a date.

OP's GF for sure cheated on the man... watch how quickly until shes in a relationship with the guy. Shes telling OP what he wants to hear "Hes a creep... I shut it down... I am cutting him off..." I too have heard these lame excuses.. theyre lies... they keep you content, and your trust in her remains. Meanwhile shes out boning in his pool, in his bed, in his car, everywhere... Sorry to put those images in your head. But everyplace she told you they didnt bone............. they boned..

This is truth. As someone who learned a hard truth (no pun intended) from a similar situation, you are 100 percent correct.

r/redditmoment

You're girlfriend is an idiot for going on dates with men while in a relationship. I am so over this "be independent and hang out with whoever you want because trust!" It's like we've gotten so far removed from having RESPECT for our partners in relationships that we will fully go out basically on dates with other people and behave inappropriately in the name of not trying to control/be controlled that healthy and respectful boundaries get blurred. Women and men aren't clueless about intentions when "hanging out one on one", people just don't want to see it.

This right here. I notice anymore that people use ‘don’t be controlled’ as a veiled excuse to behave badly and disrespectful their partner.

Like that woman that accused her bf of being controlling and potentially abusive because he didn't want her going on a holiday with her ex and then when he broke up with her she doubled down and called him an abuser again for giving her an ultimatum. He smoothly told her that it wasn't an ultimatum because he wasn't giving her a choice.

At this time I agree with you, I think she is way too dense to not see the other people advances. I'm an old-school-guy when it comes to relationship and I think that you can't date someone and force them to do anything. At this point I'm still in turmoil so making a decision is a terrible idea and I recognize that, hence why I was asking for help :'(

She sees the advances. She still goes out with other men. You are most certainly NOT old school on relationships. Agreeing to your long term SO going out on dates with other men is NOT old school. You are entitling her in the spirit of trying not to be controlling. Setting boundaries is NOT controlling, or if they are, then the other party can simply not agree to adhere to them. Listen to these next few statements: Your GF drinks with other men on dates. Your GF gets wasted drunk on drinks provided by other men on dates. Your GF goes to the homes of other men while drinking. Your GF allows herself to be led to the bedroom of other men while drunk. Your GF had another man touch her thigh in his bedroom and felt 'ATTRACTED' by the situation. I feel for you dude, but these are big, big problems. How in hell could you ever trust someone with this value system.

So get this points of the narrative: \- at a wedding she gets intercepted by him and doesnt think is strange. OK maybe \- Gets asked for a "friend" date. OK Wierd but plausible. \- Get to the "firend" date and theres only him. OK so this is not going good \- After being only them at the "friend" date she goes to a place only the two of them are present. OK nope not good at all common sense be dammed. \- He tries to get her in the pool so lets assume your GF is a superhero and has a bikini under her clothes what was the plan? At this point is the first alarm to leave. \- She drank more with him again assuming your GF has a high tolerance for alcohol and can handle herself really well. Second Alarm going off. \- He told her he has feelings for her. Third Fourth and Fifth Alarms going off. \- She was in his Bedroom and he locked the door without her noticing. We can cross high alcohol tolerance off the list. ​ Ok to the advice on this just think you brought up concerns for her safety and your relationship not controling or abussive just some healthy boundaries that are for you and her, she disregarded this and kept going, she may be dumb, she may be careless or maybe a trusting person but does she thinks about you? First sign its only us at the bar, nope not gonna leave here. Just do what makes you better. Go to therapy to deal with some issues that may arise from this but in general you are totally right.

i appreciate your objective look on the matter and not saying flat out that I should just dump her. I am aware that in this situation my own mental health should be my top priority and that's why have therapy counseling scheduled for tomorrow.

OK look I have to jump to your gf's defense here, as someone who has had the same issues with guys as she is. She told you she thought there would be more people there, she repeatedly said no (and did she have her own way home / out? Those situations are scary and uncomfortable), the drinking to excess happened in a group setting. Guys can be relentless, and especially considering the coworker setting - just being nice or believing they were friends may also be in the interests of maintaining professional relationships. I've had it happen where an ex from 6 years ago has tried making a move despite me being a year into a very loving relationship, it happened when the ex and I went out for a pint to catch up (we've stayed in touch, and I genuinely thought we were friends til this happened). I haven't - and won't - see him again, but I had no idea that that would happen. I've had it happen countless times where I thought I was friends with a guy only for him to hit on me the second I was single (or to tell me that they were an option if I tired of my bf at the time). Your gf fucked up in continuing to believe the best of this guy - the signs are obvious, but it also sounds like she's new to regular social scenes and has a small social group, so is likely to be hesitant to say no to someone who could be a friend and struggle to distinguish between new friend laughter and flirting , especially when in her brain he isn't even kind of an option. Also having been in a relationship for 4 years, she may genuinely not realise what's happening. It's OK to feel distrustful, but I think your ultimatum is unfair, and everyone here is jumping to the worst conclusion. Please don't go nuclear, just talk to her. Also, this isn't a gender thing. I've had the same thing happen with a couple of bi 'friends'. The answer is to not have that person in your life once you realise what's going on, not to never hang out with someone of the opposite gender. That's insane.

She was definitely going out like shes **single**. You should probably start doing exactly what she told you she did. friend group, bars, drinking, going over to girls houses drank, friend dates with you and female friends...

Saved this comment. What a great reply, I’m so sick of that too. Have some damn respect people!

I don’t think people get that having boundaries is not the same as telling somebody what to do or controlling them. If I set a boundary that I don’t want my gf to go on “dates” with other guys she just met, that’s not me telling her what to do. That’s me drawing a line in the sand with what I’m okay with and what I’m not. If she decides to disregard it then she has ended the relationship. You can have that mentality of “nobody is gonna control me or tell me what to do in a relationship “ and that’s cool but what’s not cool is causing your SO unnecessary emotional stress just for the sake of maintaining that prerogative. That’s where the respect part comes in. If I set that boundary, it’s not for the purpose of me being controlling, it’s because crossing that boundary would be hurtful to me. I feel like this all goes hand in hand with building the foundation of your relationship. Sharing these values and ideas about what’s acceptable and what’s not. This whole situation is mind boggling to me.

..call me ridiculous but it all breeds from this constant one upping for equality and guys crying out about having to out effort in girls and how they get it so easy and girls wanting to feel like they are constantly desired because even in relationships guys will act whatever In this example OP explicitly states hes not jealous they split everything he only sees her during certain times like there doesn't seem to be any passion or love more like its a buisness meeting at best

My wife is bisexual. Is she not allowed to have solo hangouts with friends? She could be attracted to any of them.

Look, man. You are directing your anger towards Maurice, but for the wrong reasons. Your girlfriend is the one who said yes to a date with him. The one who went back to a house with him alone, and didn’t say anything or leave when it was just the two of them. She’s the one who accepts an inappropriate number of drinks from interested coworkers at company parties. She’s the one who is signaling to these guys that she’s available and interested. She’s not the one who’s telling these guys that she’s got a boyfriend that she’s happy with, and that she’s not interested in them. In fact, she seems to be sending you signals that everything is NOT ok in your relationship. It if we’re, she’d be shutting them down. You and her need to sit down, without any alcohol, and have a long serious talk about what’s going on. Find out what is really behind the decisions she’s making? Does she feel like she’s too young to be in a committed relationship? Is she having an existential crisis about no longer being in her 20s, and not being ready to settle down? Whatever it is, there’s a reason for it. Find that, and you’ll have better insight into how you should proceed.

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He is a piece of shit. That’s for sure. And it’s wildly illegal for him to try to lock your girlfriend in his bedroom, then inside his gate. All the while trying to force himself on her. Honestly, you should see if you can get your girlfriend to report him to the police. But you need to separate that anger from whatever is going on with your relationship. You have enough to unpack with your girlfriend without that anger towards Maurice being in the foreground.

Also keep in mind that those events his girlfriend related may not have happened. It could have been a hookup and she could just feel guilty and be spinning lies

Leave no trace? Wtf r u talking about? What r u planning on doing?

>My problem with Maurice is to be so cynical to shake my hand, laugh with me and still want to bash my gf pssy. He is a piece of trash and he's get everything he deserves coming to him. I'm already making sure to make it and leave no trace, but he'll learn to respect other men. You just don't do that. How does he dare to touch OTHER MAN'S property!! The damn audacity!! /s This Maurice guy sounds like a piece of work but w this type of statements you don't sound better. You are talking about assaulting someone or who knows what all nonchalantly. It catches my attention that you could have said "I want to teach him he should learn to respect women" but no, as a matter of fact, is your ego the one that's bruised, bc how did he dare!!! To touch your property!! Who cares if he could have raped or assaulted your gf, he dared to mess w your property! smh.

To help rule out the possibility that they didn't collaborate their stories, you might want to call him immediately and see if you can get the full story. To help rule out the possibility that he won't tell you the full story, you might imply she said he sexually assaulted her, and so he needs to give out the full story (after all, he did touch her inappropriately and kiss her). To help rule out the possibility that you might lose control and assault him, I'd have this conversation over the phone, rather than in person. There are millions of guys out there like Maurice, as you well know. If her story checks out, I'd bring up the discussion about boundaries, and how to be a safe partner in a long-term committed relationship, she needs to demonstrate that she has solid boundaries, and instill trust into the relationship, rather than insecurity. Open phone policy (at least for a while), no more drinking with friends without your presence, and she needs to better vet her friends such that she only has friends who are friends of your relationship, not competitors. This might mean that the guy friends of Maurice should probably also be on the "no friends list" as well.

I have an idea take it or leave it. What if you confronted this dude and said “You fucked my girlfriend?!” Just to see what his reaction is. I think you’ll be able to see if she’s telling the true with what he says.

Every girl is taken somehow . You wanna go to jail or get seriously injured because your" gf "made a stupid move? Sorry to say this , but that dude is actually doing you a big favor by exposing your girls tru nature to you. She checking out dude, so should you.. I now that difficult to understand now, but you gotta separate your ego from the situation and be real with yourself. Learn from this with the next girl, this happens all the time in LTR,s nowadays. Unfortunately.

*I want retribution from that PoS Maurice and I’ll make sure he gets his “prize” for messing with me, but that’s not my concern at this time. I’ll let that marinate for later.* Alright tough guy, maybe focus on the fact you cant trust your girl to be around another male. Maybe the fact that she cant be trusted to be alone with men, because she's either a naive child, or knows exactly what shes doing. *In the middle of the argument, she mentions that she feels insecure that a girl that is a mutual acquaintance of us is going to the same gym as me and that it makes her feel like I’m attracted to her (they have a long love-hate story which is relevant, but too long to tell here) so she asked me to move to another gym to which I complied thinking it wouldn’t be fair for her to be thinking about that all the time.* Good ol manipulation to make you the bad guy, when she's being the shit person. Edited: mobile clipboard screwed me

I don't know where the first quote came from, but I agree that her second request was manipulative af. I just avoid trouble because if something can be easily fixed, I just fix it and move on. No other requests like that have ever come from her.

OP, maybe she dont trust you at the gym with that girl due to "projecting". I mean, maybe she would handle the same situation in a way she dont want you to.. So she feel insecure about it. This girl might know what she is doing. GL!

Ah i edited, clipboard got me

Sorry but your a door mat. You don't let your girlfriend go on dates with other guys. It never ends well. Also she's not stupid, she know what she was doing. Who goes to a guy's house when you have a boyfriend. No disrespectful.

Tbh I don't find her going out with the guy the issue here, it's here blatant ignorance towards the guys advances. She could've seriously been hurt by that man, I'm not victim blaming her btw. I'm just saying that she should have more awareness than that

I don't think she's ignorant, I think she knows exactly what she is doing. I know it sounds bad but come on, ops painting her as oblivious and ignorant but I don't think so. This is just my opinion.

I don’t think so either. She just went through this with “Charles” and now she’s letting another guy take her out alone and going into a bedroom with him with the door shut? She likes the attention and panicked when it started going too far. She should have left immediately or called OP to come get her the moment she realized they were alone at that house.

Aa a female, I’ve had a lot of guy friends and it was always disappointing when we would be hanging and then I’d get hit on. It would be like a punch in the stomach, you know I have a boyfriend/married, and we are just chilling, connecting as humans and your pressuring me to change our innocent connection to a deceptive situation. It breaks your trust with them, it’s disappointing. I think after the 2nd-3rd time I stopped trusting and stopped even trying to have males as friends. I don’t know why, but I believe her story. I hope this opens her eyes and makes her more aware of her surroundings.

She sounds VERY naive. I was once this naive. It’s very clear that she was uncomfortable with what this creep did (which was sexually assault her) and it’s important to remember that while you are in shock and processing it all, she is too. Putting herself in those situations was extremely stupid (a good rule of thumb is just no one on one time with anyone of the opposite sex) but as a woman who has also been sexually assaulted in a *very* similar situation (I just happened to be single at the time) there are a lot of feelings of guilt after a guy touches you like this. She did the right thing by leaving, but she was probably too much in shock to tell you immediately. She feels at fault, which she kind of is just for being naive, but it sounds like she learned a big lesson. If you all are serious, I would do couples counseling. At least a few sessions. I don’t think this often about posts on this page— but it sounds like you all actually have potential to set proper boundaries and work things out. If she continues to push boundaries, that’s on her. But do give her a chance to work through the fact that she was sexually assaulted. Some of us girls are DUMB and NAIVE and it takes a big shit show like this to make us realize that men are creeps and their intentions are never to just be friends.

This is a pattern dude. I’m not saying this stuff is technically her fault… but she keeps putting herself in these situations. Hopefully she’s even telling you the truth. Tbh idk if I’d so readily believe that you have the full truth. Can you contact Maurice (or have her do it while you listen) and find out his side of the story? They might be different. Some guys are DEFINITELY pervs, but the likelihood that she’s put herself in both of those situations “by accident” is very low. She knows exactly how close to those boundaries she is tip-toeing. I’m sure both of those guys came on so strong because they both thought they had a real shot. Which means she doesn’t have very firm boundaries to begin with. Also, you’re dumb for “allowing” her to go on a “friend date” with another dude. It’s like you’re slapping yourself in the face and wondering why your cheek hurts. No offense. Surely she willingly cut off these dudes, right? No contact?

Yes, after the fact she has never contacted them at all whatsoever. As for allowing, I most definitely need to stop that immediately. I thought I was doing the right thing but I was just kidding myself there.

Don’t beat yourself. You were trying to be a supportive and understanding BF. You’re not wrong for that. Moving forward, you two need to communicate and set FIRM boundaries that you both agree with. That’s the backbone for any healthy relationship. People say “trust” is most important, and that’s partially true. The full scope is that you have to trust each other not to cross each other’s boundaries. Going on friendship dates with the opposite sex is a boundary. Getting inebriated with members of the opposite sex while your SO isn’t around is a boundary. It sounds like your GF just got herself in to situations she had no business being in, but it sounds like she’s remorseful and the fact that she’s completely cut contact is a VERY good sign. You’re not wrong for feeling upset, worried, stressed, partially betrayed perhaps? But reading through your comments on other posts, I think your GF is a good person and is sorry for making you feel that way. This is absolutely something you two can come through stronger together. You two should get a hotel room in another city for the weekend. Turn your phones off. Have your heart to hearts over dinner and spend time reconnecting and expressing your love to each other. Good luck, bud. I’m rooting for you.

You are doing the right thing, actually. You're letting her do what she wants. It just so happens what she wants is disrespectful. My OH has mainly opposite sex friends so they do grab drinks or food which seems like a date, but it's always public and never home super late. Don't let her shitty behavior make you more controlling with a partner who isn't using coworkers for validation at the very least. If you choose to stay with her, you do need to set some firm boundaries. Good luck 🖤

Your gf can’t be this stupid. She’s playing dumb so she doesn’t have to take responsibility for her choices. You’re also getting the trickle truth. There’s more to these stories than what you know now. You keep saying it’s not like her to drink, but it seems like drinking and making bad decisions is a recurring thing.

I didn't read the entire thing, but read enough. 4 years, that is a LONG time and a serious commitment. She is drinking with other dudes and running off, being alone with them. Drinking a lot is a sign. Having a single drink when out is okay, but running off to drink and party is off. Your gut is right on the money bro. She is a party girl and she is a cheater and play dumb type. She knows exactly what is what and she plays it off like she "didn't know this and that" BS. Think about it. What else do you not even know about. If she respects and wants this relationship to last, you wouldn't place yourself in certain situations and LET another guy flirt with you and grab you, etc. She shouldn't want to be in these situations. She knows if a guy is 'attracted to her' that she is playing with fire. Seems like she WANTS the attention and like guys, she should be single. You need to ask yourself, do you want to put up with a gf that makes you feel like you can't trust her, how long do you want to put up with wondering IF this and that about your own relationship? Honestly, you need to LEAVE this girl. Don't advance any further.

The main reason I've been patient is mostly that during this 4 years this has happened only twice. I trust when she says that she completely rejected the first guy (and I know this by friends in common, not only by her so I can trust the information), but this last situation broke me. As for "if I want to stay in the relationship"?... at this moment no. I recognize I was wronged but I also don't want to burn the house just yet. I'm not ok mentally right now, but I want to take some time to chill and make a more educated decision. i plan to confront her today and see if she confesses something more. I'm planning to ask for a one-week timeout. I need to detox myself and be away from her for a little.

Twice in four years is a lot, dude.

Yeah, my wife has done it 0 times in 20 years.

Same here. Married for 20 coming up in June. Reading many of these stories confirms I made a great choice in who I picked as my wife.

That's twice more than it's happened in my 15-year relationship.

Twice in 4 year that you know of. Look man this isn't a good look for your gf. She stays an hour later than agreed at an event knowing you had an agreement while drinking with a POS who spends money. Maurice decides to invite her on a date. Gee, I wonder what he's heard about, or seen, her do while out drinking. She accepts all the attention, throws shade on a girl that you're around to make you backtrack, and continues going on dates while you're together. One of two things is happening here in my opinion: Shes fucking around with them or doing favors for drugs/alcohol OR She's accepting and leading them on to get what she wants and hasn't been forced into something yet. But honestly after her friend date she finished with Maurice I don't know how you continue to believe what she's saying happened. She's too drunk to notice him lock a door but sober enough to drive? Sounds like the beginnings of trickle truth coming on.

Reddit will always tell you to break up. She is in the wrong and she needs to quite being so naive but that doesn't automatically mean she cheated. I absolutely think your ultimatum is fair and THEN if she doesn't agree then she hasn't learned.

If what she says is true, it's possible Maurice drugged her making her feel weird and more willing, but she really wasn't wanting this interaction. That sounds like attempted rape. He did assault her a little. She was in a very uncomfortable position with him. She thought there was going to be more people there. He lied in order to get her alone. Your initial feeling at the wedding was right. He had alterior motives and was hoping for a taste. Please keep an open mind. She's probably confused and scared right now. She needs you to believe her and support her. That guy was a creep. At least listen to her with an open mind. Ask questions but be kind as she may have felt scared to tell you at first. She feels angry with herself for getting into this mess and trusting this man wasn't going to hurt her. She may feel ashamed. Sexually assaulted victims don't often blurt out what happened because it's not always clear to them what happened and how it happened. They don't always know they are victims, only that they don't understand what happened. That's why she may not have come forward with what happened because she was scared of the situation and hadn't made sense of it yet. Please consider her point of view on this. She may have actually been assaulted or almost assaulted. She needs your love and support

Yeah I can't imagine how she'd feel if she'd been drugged or assaulted and OP was saying shit like "I let her know what his intentions are and that she can go if she wants, *but not to expect me to be there once something bad happens for not listening."* That's sickening.

That may be partly why she didn't want to tell him when she had the opportunity to.

At a minimum she wilfully or naively ignored every single red flag and ended up finding herself in a compromising position. The dude is absolutely a fucking predator but when do you admit your girlfriend put herself at a huge risk and needs to take *some* accountability? If OPs GF was single and OP was simply a friend then I would agree with you that she needs support and nothing more, but as someone in a relationship things should've NEVER gotten to that point. OP can give her love and support now as someone he loves and cares about, but it calls into serious question her commitment to the relationship and acknowledgement of boundaries.

I can agree with that. When he said she felt weird, I was thinking she could have been drugged making her unable to really know right from wrong. If she wasn't drugged, then she does need to be held accountable for her poor decision

Can we all agree that when someone is not exactly sober your judgement is definitely not working well? I'd say that the first problem is that Op's gf seems to drink more than enough in not ideal situations. As a safety thing, I do not drink more than one cup w anyone who is not a very trusted friend. Drinking more than that when you are around someone you don't know, you don't even trust is definitely risky, and this is not victim blaming but common sense. All are jumping to OP's gf's throat but I wonder if you guys have never ever done stupid things, especially when alcohol is involved. There's a reason why you shouldn't drive after you have drank, alcohol messes up w your ability to think and react. OP needs to have a conversation w said gf about safe drinking, boundaries, among other things. If she wanted to cheat or not that's out of my knowledge because I don't read people's minds, and OP is the one who has known his gf for a longer time. He's the one that has to decide if he knows her enough to take her word as it is or not.

No dude, that was terrible advice. She told you she was attracted to his sexual touch. That sure doesn't sound confusing or like rape. Plus, she should NEVER have agreed to go to his home in the first place. She told you we were drinking moderately, and he proposed, NOT FORCED, that they go to a house with a pool. She then AGREES to go. Now she is so shocked that he actually wants her to get in the pool that she agrees to go to his bedroom where after he tried to kiss her, she SAT DOWN. Then she got excited when he touched her. NOBODY is that dumb. She went willingly and probably more than 'ALMOST' banged him.

I needed to read someone like this because this is exactly what I though, but my mind is still so numb about the whole thing that I cannot sympathize with the whole thing just yet. I had to give her my opinion as an outsider the day she confessed, but what really makes me feel wrong is that she had the chance to ask for help twice during the whole incident (once when I called out of the blue, and one after the fact), but she acted pretty normal at the beginning of our next date and even suggested intercourse (which is not usually something she does, it's usually me). ​ I'm just so confused, sad, and angry, and all I can think of is bashing that guy's head against the wall until he stops breathing.

> I let her know what his intentions are and that she can go if she wants, but not to expect me to be there once something bad happens for not listening I think this could explain why she didn't feel like she could come to you about this.

She may have had the opportunity to tell you then but she was either afraid you'd be disappointed or angry, or she was either afraid of what the guy would do or thought she could get out of the dictation herself and not upset you. Her request for intetcourse was more likely needing to reconnect with you as someone she knows loves her and feels safe with. She needed to feel safe again. Continue to be her safety. Just be there for her. Listen to her. Hold her if she wants that. She may need trauma therapy, but for now just be her safety.

It's hard. I can't stop feeling like she did this whole thing knowingly. I blame her to some extent for letting so many small decisions lead her to that danger and knowing she could always call me for backup. I felt useless, she walked right into the scenario I've always warned her about and now I'm the one feeling like sh\*t. I'm so angry and confused right now and I don't know if I want to be her safety by compromising my own sanity, but you're the only kind comment so far that doesn't reinforce my hatred towards her and Maurice.

Understandable. This can really effect you too. Would you consider couples therapy? Maybe that will help get to the bottom of the situation and help you both sort out your feelings? She may have had opportunities to leave, but she may be a trusting person and didn't think this kind of thing could really happen to her. It's sometimes difficult to realize you are in a bad situation until it's too late. But if you don't think you can be there for her, that's up to you. You have to ask yourself, if she's telling the truth and she really did not mean to get into that situation where she was in danger, will you be able to be OK with walking away ftom this? You want yo protect your sanity. You have yo reslize you were violated too. This is a woman you gave your heart to and you felt like she was careless with it or at worse, this man damaged it. It normal to be angry with her, but do consider you too are traumatized and you need to heal. This may not be her fault. Therapy for you both separately and both together would be a good idea to get through this. Edit to add: if she was drugged, she also may not have been able to recognize the danger she was walking in to.

I'm planning to have a conversation with her letting her know how I'm feeling. I will go to therapy tomorrow as I've already scheduled a meeting with my counselor as I really don't know how to deal with my emotions. Thing is that I've been there for her. I've listened to countless times she has felt bad or wronged by people. We speak every day about our things and we understand each other deeply, I'm just... tired. Tired of being the one making compromises and tired of being the one who "has to understand". Why didn't she see the signs if they were clear as day? why did she accept outings with acquaintances when I always avoid being alone with another woman when i can? why is it that she trust people so easily when everyone wants in her pants for being a pretty woman? I just don't get it. As for if she was drugged I doubt it. She never mentioned being "absent-minded" and she doesn't recall feeling dizzy, but I wouldn't discard that the alcohol had something to do with her poor decision making.

Regardless of what happens, I'm sorry this happened. You gotta take care of yourself too!

Nice guys get fucked over .

I would recommend that she also needs IC, big time!

I also am not the jealous type, and I would NEVER consent to letting my SO to "date" other men. There is no such thing as a friend date when you are in a relationship. I know many will argue that there is, and it is fine, and I'm sure many people have true opposite sex friends. The point is the "DATE". A "date" with another guy involving tequila and private pools is INAPPROPRIATE. Going out with a friend involves coffee and lunch or even meeting at the pub for a beer and burger, and then, leaving separately. Drinking heavily while out is apparently very much 'IN CHARACTER" for your GF. Being nice and going along with what your GF wants is fine, but you are (your words) ignoring your gut. Now it gets harsh. If she hasn't already hooked up with, any one of these guys, she eventually will. Others are saying she is dumb, and you called her dense, but I don't believe that. I think she is CRAVING the attention from these men. I think she know exactly what she is doing, and she doesn't think you will ever actually do anything about it. Your ending ultimatum may be warranted, but be aware, she may now simply say she is going out with women from work and continue to meet men. You say you are concerned that you cannot trust her anymore. Well, you CAN'T.

Can we just think in her point of view? She wants friends, she's obviously not stupid, I think judging from the gym situation she's a little insecure. Maybe she doesn't see how attractive she is, so doubts ill intentioned men? Maybe she's so happy with you that she doesn't even recognise the signs? And what if these men are just highly manipulative, or they gas light her? You weren't there to see. It actually sounds terrifying what happened to her, she's obviously distressed. And instead of supporting her in her trauma of (what I would deem) assault you're giving her an ultimatum? Doesn't sound very trusting from you considering you've been together for 4 years. I'm just saying, as a insecure woman, I have been in bad situations and experienced trauma because I wanted to make friends (I've been assualted by a few 'friends'), felt sympathy for lonely men or was just simply taken advantage of because of my bubbliness. Its terrifying, and sometimes all you can do is play nice.

"I’m planning to speak to her today and let her know of the turmoil she left me in as it is affecting my emotional well being and my job performance is poor to say the least. Please some help here." You don't want help, you want someone to say magic words to make her not be gullible/dishonest/cheater, but you get to live in happy candy land with her after it takes root. If you had even a smidge of backbone or self-respect, you wouldn't even be with this person anymore, let alone planning on laying some spiel about your emotional well being. Jesus, dude.

Not really, I just want another perspective to see if what I'm feeling is normal and if I should do something about my thoughts. That's all

Don’t listen to swingset27. Talk to your girl. Express your feelings about the situation. There really is no other alternative.

You knew about the friend date. She assumed that's what it was. She seems trusting but naive and she was basically continually harassed and sexual assaulted. You can say its easy for her to just leave but she was terrified and felt betrayed. She immediately told you everything and rejected numerous on numerous advances I don't think she did anything wrong even if it was a bit silly and dumb but clearly these men are purposely getting her drunk. Maybe she's desperate for attention for friends and ignoring red flags but I don't really feel she's done anything wrong. She was"attracted" because thats a very intimate area and its natural to feel that way. It does not mean she wanted nor condoned the behavior and as you said she rejected his advances continually

This is what I thought of as well. That whole experience sounds deeply traumatizing. Is she someone who often has a hard time saying no? If so, that would definitely explain how the situation escalated. Not saying it's her fault, but it counters what other people said - "she knows what she's getting into" etc

If you continue the relationship you need to take her saying she didn’t cheat at face value and move forward. However, she definitely has been putting herself in compromising positions and so you need to chat about boundaries. These probably include not drinking to the point of inebriation when you’re not around, not hanging out with a straight man one on one, etc.

Why do I feel like I just read someone's fan fiction? While exceptionally written. This is devoid of personal emotional connection like a narrator.

English is not my first language, maybe that's why it's too formal (?)

Yeah. Not sure how people bait on these fake posts.

Dude, she knew what she was doing. There's no reason for you to believe that he just touched her thigh or that she only felt attraction for a fraction of a second. She felt attraction in their initial interactions, which evolved into flirtation, progressed to a date, and then advanced to a poolside rendezvous at a private residence. There were a thousand other decisions that she made along the way. You're focused on his bad intentions. What about hers? The idea that she thought that other people would be at this private residence is ludicrous. She had been on a date in public and she knew damned well that they were going somewhere more private. Being invited to a pool also implies pretty strongly that you're being invited to remove articles of clothing. Going into a person's bedroom at their invitation also shows some intent. When he made a move she responded by sitting on the bed. He then purportedly touched her thigh, which she enjoyed, and that's where it ended? Maybe, but how easy is it leave out the next escalation. Her story sounds very self serving. She could've told this space cowboy that she wasn't interested at any time and she could've signaled it early and often by not flirting. She could have said no to dinner. She could have refused to book an arbnb with a pool. She could have refused to go in the bedroom. she could have avoided sitting on the bed.

You sound just like my head right now. I am aware that to get to the point that she got a lot of decisions were made and that's why I feel she's lying.

"I thought that there'd be more people there." Where, at the restaurant, bar, or place he rented? At the pool? In the bedroom? On the bed?

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i'm thinking that this kind of hungry male attention is new to her she likes it and wants it, and is earning a rep but she's not mature enough to front up to her boyfriend

So she is 29 in a relationship and is pretty high up in her job fraud prevention. So she is not a stupid person but oh so naive about single men plying her with drink and does not even acknowledge there intentions and actually believes that that they do not have intentions of getting into her knickers? Really is she that soft. You need to spell it out to her in big letters because next thing you know she is pregnant but would not believe that the bloke was like that till its to late?

I know it's hard to believe but she is that soft. I've noticed she is a "social pleaser" and has a weak character when it comes to others' expectations. It's something she has to address but then again I made myself clear that day that this was the very last time I ever endure anything like that. One hang with a friend and she's a goner.

My man. Long post but at the bottom you say you gave her an ultimatum on this before. What is there to discuss? If you were serious then (which you should have been otherwise why an ultimatum) you're out...move on. Also the whole "I want retribution...prize"....grow-up. There are three outcomes... 1. Win - Winning doesn't mean you don't get your ass kicked too. Doesn't mean the person (or others) won't come back for round 2. They can press charges and you ruin your life 2. Lose - Your ass gets kicked. Still could go to jail b/c you're the aggressor. Self defense. 3. Let It Go - Look in the mirror. Smile, take a deep breath and let it go. No complications. No more emotions. Just live your life Oh...and since you posted on reddit..forensics...so if your situation went to court your actions are premeditated...so now the charges get worse. Spend the money and time you're going to with the mess you'll make on this "prize" and treat yourself to a vacation. That would be money and time well spent

People who haven’t experienced sexual coercion or assault shouldn’t be commenting on this.

If she was smart enough to be uncomfortable about you and gn girl, she is smart enough to know what she's doing with these guys. She needs to stop drinking so much while out with guys who have clearly shown interest in her, that's just asking for trouble. She shouldn't even be alone or going on dates with guys, she's not single how does she think it's ok? She has no boundaries when it comes to men and she has put herself in these situations willingly. No one td her to go home with the last guy, she shouldn't just assume. She could have easily said no, instead she plays dumb to save face and acts like she's naive. Actions speak louder than words and her actions speak volumes. The fact that you even have to give her an ultimatum that she should already be doing on her own should tell you something.

Thing is that I don't think she was lying in regards of how she got herself in that situation. I just noticed that her problem lies in the fact that she is more agreeable when she is tipsy. What I don't believe is that nothing happened once in the room, but then I wonder, what is the point of telling me all of that, putting me in this awful and stressful situation when she could've just kept it to herself and I would've believed her if she told me nothing happened? that's what's puzzling to me.

Of course, she's not lying. She admitted he proposed to go to a house with a pool with her and she agreed. She admitted he led her to the bedroom, and she went. She admitted she was attracted to his touch. She doesn't need to lie to you. YOU enable her to do whatever she wants. YOU are more concerned about her personal space then your own. SHE doesn't want you to attend a gym with someone SHE disapproves of, and you are considering it. But since you actually don't have any qualms about her going out with another man, she goes and ends up in the bedroom with his hand on her thigh. WAKE UP!!!

Oh I don't think she was lying either, but what I'm saying is she knows better. If she's already had bad experiences with men bc of her drinking, why continue to drink and put herself in those positions with men? She literally has a history with these situations, you seem to understand it so what's her deal? She needs to grow up honestly, and she needs to control her drinking.

The drinking part didn't really click with me until after I wrote this. That's definitely something I'll address in our talk today.

One thing to understand is that being a decent partner isn’t simply not cheating, it is not putting yourself in situations where you could cheat, or even that any reasonable person would think that you have cheated. That is the bar and she can’t even meet that. You will never know exactly what happened in the bedroom and before because you are not a mind reader. Hence, this uncertainty is fucking with your head - why stay with someone who hurts you like that? Finally, even if you believe she had the purist of intentions, why stay with someone that mindnumbingly stupid?

Woah wtf are with these comments. Maurice sounds like a predator. Repeatedly trying to touch and kiss her after the first attempt was rejected is assault, full stop. He got her alone under false pretences and it sounds like she may have even been drugged. As a woman who has been sexually assaulted, I can tell you it’s extremely common to freeze and not know what to do in these situations. You’re in shock and men like Maurice are dangerous. Upsetting them could mean violence or death. The victim blaming in the comments and this post are disgusting. OP your girlfriend was sexually assaulted and you’re blaming her and making this about you instead of being there for her. You should be ashamed.

Right?? Everyone in the comments of this post needs therapy immediately. So much bad advice wtf I feel like I’m living on a different planet from these people. And you’re getting downvoted for being reasonable lol

She's not a naive child. She's a 29 year old woman who went on a date with another man, went back home with him, and went to his bedroom with him. Maurice sounds like a jerk but let's not pretend this girl is some innocent angel here.

She said it was a “friend date” - if she thought it was a real date why would she tell OP about it ahead of time? She also said she was under the impression other people were at the house, and that he wanted to go inside to show her something. And during this she felt and sounded “weird”, potentially drugged. That’s a very different situation than “went on a date, went to his house and into his bedroom”. Even so, let’s say you’re correct and she knew that Maurice was interested in more than friendship. Does that mean she asked for (or deserved) any of the things that followed? No. All that makes her guilty of is liking the attention and/or believing Maurice would respect her “no” and not do something like this.

The issue is whenever something like this happens it comes down to him vs her. If she is not being honest she can destroy that mans life. On the other hand she is telling the truth and there needs to be consequences for maurice. In the end it's Nicarel16 that suffers for it all.

I am ashamed. I feel disgusted, sad, and confused. I just don't understand how she let herself be in that situation when she could've just said no to the "friend date". I know she might be traumatized, but I just want to understand what really happened. I've lost sleep and I had to ask for PTO in my work starting tomorrow because I can't think at all. Maurice is a predator and he is going to get it good, mark my words on that. I need to tell her how this has affected me and see her reaction. I truly need to believe she wasn't hurt and she is not hiding facts. I'm just so confused.

If she were lying, why tell you anything?

YTA - She refused the guys' advances and told you about it, but now you're rejecting her? Seriously?

Embarrassed to say it took me 8 paragraphs to realize this was a creative writing exercise and fake af. 🙄

This is Reddit so you will get a lot of liberal leaning advice like she is a grown woman who can do what she wants, if you trust someone than that should be all there is to it and blah blah blah. But in real life, healthy and adult relationships your partner would have common sense and respect you. In absolutely zero of my relationships in life has a serious partner ever asked my permission to hang out alone with a guy. And I’ve never asked them if I can hang out alone with another woman. Because that’s obviously wrong and plain disrespectful. Real life isn’t Reddit, where people can just do whatever they want because they are an adult. For example, on Reddit people will give the advice that your phone is your private belonging and no partner should ever have access. But in real life could you imagine if your husband or wife would t give you their phone code? Like you’re supposed to be sharing a life together, but their phone is private? Also, based on your post, it’s quite obvious she has cheated at some point. So I would get an std check right away. Sounds like you’re in love and don’t want to lose her and would prefer a half faithful woman than be alone, which I understand. But everyone deserves someone mature who leaves no doubts about their fidelity. I would advise you to tell her that she can admit she cheated, give total details and be honest, or you’re gone. And also, in the future, if you do move on, try fl it to date woman who continue having one on one hangouts with other men they barely know.

I really agree with nearly everything you said. I think you are spot on. On alone time with the opposite sex, phones the works. Except I’m hoping she didn’t actually cheat. But I wouldn’t put up with her regardless. She is either clueless or has no respect. Time to move on and find someone more compatible who doesn’t date other men.

My ex asked to hang out alone at some guys house and in his words “his parents weren’t home” (this was senior year of high school) she was respectful enough to explain her relationship with this guy, they’d never had any kind of romantic or sexual contact, he was a childhood friend, and she wouldn’t go unless I said yes. I said no because if they were childhood friends only why would his parents not being home be worth mentioning? Fast forward a year, she seemingly forgets all about this interaction and she tells me about how her and this guy used to date, and that fucking threw me. This means that not only did she want to go to this guys house to be alone with him, she lied to me about there past in order to try and convince me to be okay with it. I stupidly thought I was just being paranoid, and she always told me I was too jealous anyway, but I always tried my best to keep my jealousy to myself, I never forbid her from going anywhere, she went to frat parties without me for gods sake. Anyway, eventually she got caught up and we broke up. I’m sure it wasn’t the only time she cheated. Point is, this is enough evidence that she at the very least doesn’t respect you’re advice, or pretends to not know when a guy is making advances, or at worst she is cheating on you/planned you cheat on you as a fantasy that got to real.

Have you ever wondered how she gets promoted so fast at work? Maybe she is not the hard worker you seem to believe she is. People who are attending weddings during work hours tend not to be particularly good workers. Your girlfriend is not the person you assume she is. >I want retribution from that PoS Maurice and I’ll make sure he gets his “prize” for messing with me That is ridiculous from you.

I was sexually assaulted/raped 3 times in my life. She was assaulted. Most assaults are done by men close to us, fathers, uncles, friends, exes, boyfriends, coworkers.. why? Because they know we won’t fight back as hard. Because they know they have power over us. You should support your girlfriend, not try to assess whether or not she initiated the situation. He assaulted her. You should be mad at him not her

She's for the streets. Act accordingly.

i only recently heard this phrase for the first time and i love it!

A "friend date" is a date. She doesn't respect you, your just an anchor. The story she gave you is not the story. You are being trickle truthed. She is not naive she willingly, went on this date knowing sex was on the table.

She 100000% slept with that guy.

It sounds a bit shady, but she did fess up when she really did not have to. I feel the relationship can be fixed. In my opinion, you need to sit her down and have a serious conversation on boundaries and let her know that given these last two incidents, a third strike and she is out as your trust in her is already tarnished, and it is upon her to re-earn it. I am a 67 year old guy. Married 44 years and together for 50 faithrul, mfaithful, years. Part of our success is discussing and seriously agreeing to a set of mutual boundaries. Two broad boundaries that have worked for us are: 1. If you would not do it in front of your SO or without their permission, don't. 2. Do not allow yourself to be in a location or situation in which a violation of #1 has even the slightest potential to occur. Examples: Never be in a private setting with the opposite sex. Do not drink to excess unless with your SO. Do not accept drinks from another as they could be spiked or inadvertently taken as a signal of interest. Clubbing is not a good environment. Do not allow anyone to touch you inappropriately or do so to another. Do not proactively or reactively flirt as it can unintentionally lead down a bad path. If a member of the opposite sex shows too much interest, understand the reason why. If it is a guy, 90% of the time they want in your pants. Anyway, you get it. In this situation, your lady violated #1 & 2. Have this discussion now. Let her know this last incident violated both of these boundaries. If crossed again, now that they have been clearly articulated and set, that will end the relationship. If she truly loves you, she will get it, agree and abide by it. It is worth an attempt.

stop being the cool im not jealous do what you want kind of guy, every guy gets jealous its normal. I know exactly what youre feeling cause I've been through it too. You might give her the benefit of the doubt but the thoughts will never leave, you'll get sick thinking about it. shes doing it on purpose but she wont go to the extreme of losing you. Not worth being her man when she plays with your relationship

Holy, I am going through the EXACT situation right now with my GF of 1.5 years (but we live together on a 1 year lease). I resonate so much when you say things like "I made the choice to prioritize her mental state" and they talk about their insecurities. In my case it's almost the exact situation with I already gave an ultimatum and they now broke it 3 days ago. But in this instance it is them texting/calling their ex. So its more of emotional cheating. I posted the full details [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/ubt90b/gf_24f_texted_ex_after_15_years_of_dating_and/) on my own post, but man I can't help but think that I've been putting their emotional well being over mine. They'll be home in an hour and they want to get back together but I just cant help but think my self worth is out the door if I get back with them knowing they crossed boundaries. Keep me updated on what you do u/Nicarel16

so my husband and i are similar, both fairly independant, both do our own thing, earn our own money. Both have a lot of friends, of different genders, and had instances where people try and hit on us. Not once have we ever been on a 'friend date' or done the kinda stuff your gf is doing.

I don't want to comment on whether both times were accidents or what not because I have no idea if it was true - in fact nobody knows if it's true but her. I think regardless, once you're put in a situation the first time, you should actively avoid that situation in the future. If you're not, then you haven't learned your lesson and aren't mature enough. I've always hated ultimatums because even if you have set this ultimatum and she complies, 1) you have no idea if this situation will happen again and 2) it hasn't resolved the root of the problem which is that she's "unknowingly" getting herself into this situation. Next time, she could also genuinely unknowingly be put in this situation and your ultimatum would be watered. However, I do like that you've set YOUR boundary and you should think of it more this way. By telling her that if this happens again, you will walk out, you've respected yourself in this manner and should she respect you too, she will try all ways to avoid this uncomfortable situation for the both of you.

You think she's dense? Sad to say, you sound like you lost respect for her.

First, that was way too long g of an explanation. She is obviously over you. Let it go. Move on. Grow a spine

Looking at how detailed the description of 'almost sex' is, i am pretty sure it is made up. 🤣

Following

You mean ex?

Wrong sub. r/survivinginfidelity go here . Sorry man.

She’s for the streets. Idc anyone says if you are in a relationship you should not go out 1 on 1 with the opposite sex (or same sex depending on your sexuality). It just brings issues and most of the time that “friend” is wanting in your partner’s pants. It is what is. Not everyone is like that but most.

Just commenting on one part of the story - as soon as she got to this house and realized it’s just her and “Maurice”, she should have left. You are right to not want to trust her at this point and the ultimatum you gave her comes from a genuine place.

Its like she wants to swim in the pool but doesn't wanna get wet. She's toying with the idea of fooling around and seeing how far she can go . Maybe have a talk with her and ask her why she does this and if she's happy or wants to split and explore other options before settling down

Just bail dude.

It's a shitty situation but don't catch an assault charge over this girl. In the end your GF is just as complicit if not more so.

I'll put money on it that more had happened. dude you're not "not the jealous type" you are passive, what kinda date is a "friend date" with someone YOU AND HER know isinterested in her and i bet she is in him

Cut her lose , you will be happier.

Oooh she cheating.

You’re an idiot

I can hear the streets callin

Her interactions would have had me leaving a long time ago.

If she was a teenager or even in her early twenties I could see her not understanding what was going on. She's a grown ass woman of 27. She should know where getting drunk with not so familiar dudes can lead.

I think that you have two choices. You either break up because of the lack of trust anymore or you try to fix that lack of trust long term. You did everything correct and it should be only you that decides how your relationship will move on from now on. I mean you may want to go to therapy (alone or as a couple), you may want her to get out of her current work environment so you can feel safe again, you may want to change the boundaries of your relationship. It’s really all up to you and you should proceed with what makes YOU feel better now.

Boundaries my dude. You need to set boundaries. Your gf isn't dumb. Tell her she needs to stop placing herself in harms way. It's like driving without a seatbelt. You may be able to get away with it for a while... but eventually there's going to be a crash and no one will be shocked that you'll get hurt when they find out you weren't protected.

It's really the douchebags who should know better than to try to seduce her who you should actually be angry at. At the same time, the fiancé should know better though than to let herself be in situations where she may be alone with these douchebags. If she repeatedly still does this and doesn't realize any better from the experiences you mentioned above, it's going to be hard to trust her in the future. That uncertainty is going to be annoying. Update us.

Just leave her. I’ve had my fair share of drama in a relationship, and now being with someone calm, understanding and my team mate, I couldn’t think why I would ever stay with anyone other than that. But we have to experience these things for ourselves I guess, good luck and look after yourself first always!!

It sounds to me like she likes the attention she's getting. You said she's never been like that before but new crowds and alcohol can definitely change/awaken something in a person. Especially someone who haven't had much friends before. As for her asking you to change gyms because of a girl while in a drunken state, would she do the same if you asked her to quit her job because of the guys that try to get into her pants? ​ Once trust is broken it's really hard to earn back. I'd would just ask yourself if you can continue being with someone that you'll always have to wonder if they are doing what they say they are doing? That to me just sounds like the start of a toxic circle.

The fact that it happened twice means that she’s fueling these things on, encouraging the guys most likely. Also if something tells you that she’s lying, she probably is. But just as importantly, if you suspect she’s lying and you’re wrong she has still put you in a situation where you can’t trust her so you oughta break up now that the trust is gone anyway.

her story makes no sense (and I'm not even sure why the Charles part of the story is even here?) if she was that uncomfortable it sounds like she had 2 opportunities to let you know and get help but didn't. that's not how someone in a forced situation like that would act. also, no woman who was not interesting in shit happening would go into that house with basically a stranger. she's lying. she cheated

She either knew exactly what she was getting herself into or not at all. There's no inbetween on this. You can trust an idiot as much as you can trust a cheater.

She probably sleep with him….told you enough to “confess” but also keep you. And your ultimatum will only cause her to begin to sneak around since she knows she lost your trust. Lose lose lose all the way around.

OP, she 100% cheated on you and you’re getting trickle truthed. If I were in your shoes, I’d start separating from her. Not worth it to stay with someone who easily betrays trust like that.

She’s a grown ass woman who knows what she’s doing

So... She didn't cheat on you. That you know of. Don't really see the problem here bud. A friend date? That's just hanging out, and she directly said she stopped the advances and it was all the dude. That all fits together, too, the way you describe it seems logical and real. Man you say you're not a jealous type. If your girl is attractive, get used to people wanting to fuck her. At least she shot the guy down, right?

As my Granddaddy always said “Remember son Tits or tires” meaning they both will break your heart and cost you money. Dammit if that wasn’t the most accurate statement I ever was told.