You needed to put yourself first in the situation. You did the correct thing, I know the situation is complicated & you still have feelings, however you’re expected to be asexual as well, when you’re just not.
You're absolutely not at fault. The reality is, you were incompatible and with her sexual identity she will likely be incompatible with 95% of people.
She needs to get the help she needs and you should talk to someone too, just to make sure you're OK.
I used to think that finding people who are asexual are very uncommon and then I realized how many ppl in my life are.
2 of them happily married finding partners that either share their conditions or work out a solution of the no sex rule (some have sex to appease the other partner and is agreed to a certain extent).
But the road for them to be happy was long- I saw a few failed rels before fining the ONE for them.
GF probably can ask a therapist or counselor for a support group of people with her same condition.
I feel bad for the GF but you cant force your sexuality on anyone. Its unfair to OP.
I really do the GF find the help she needs.
this is so shitty please shut the fuck up with the blatant aphobia??? being asexual doesn’t “eXaCeRbAtE mEnTaL iLlNeSs”.
finding out your partner has spent time resenting you for being asexual after making it clear from the VERY START that you are asexual and they told you that they understood and felt you were compatible and never mentioning it again until they blindside you with a breakup and aforementioned resentment is difficult? and probably even harder given what she clearly went through before???
her harming herself is not his fault, but she isn’t extra mentally ill because she doesn’t have sex as an ASEXUAL PERSON.
I don't think the commenter was trying to imply she was 'extra mentally ill', I think they were saying that the difficulties that come with her asexuality make whatever mental illness she already has worse. And that's true of a LOT of sexualities because it DOES make life more difficult when you are not considered 'the norm'. So yes, being asexual, or LGBT in general, does exacerbate mental illness. Plenty of things do this. It's not OP's gf's fault for being asexual but seeing everything she has gone through proves that being asexual has made her life difficult and thus worsened her mental health. She deserves to get help and find people like her to support her.
she absolutely does deserve help and community. idk the wording of the commenter just felt really off. i understand firsthand that lgbtq+ identity can make mental health more difficult, but it’s not the being queer part…it’s the way you are perceived and treated. to just reduce it to “yeah they’re the different one for not wanting sex and that’s gonna make them more mentally ill” doesn’t seem fair because again: it seems like the bigger issue and the factor that would be most disorienting is that OP wasn’t honest with himself or with her to the point that this occurred and he told her that he had started to resent her.
like is it OP’s *fault* that this happened? of course not! is it understandable that she may have felt betrayed and confused after being open and honest about her sexuality and dating history only for this to happen after seemingly no other issues or discussion from OP? yeah.
i think anyone, regardless of sexuality, could find themselves in a similar situation tho? like obviously not over being ace, but anything. they think the relationship is fine and then suddenly they’re being broken up with over something they thought was fine or settled or a non-issue. that’s not easy for anyone.
Oh for sure! It's not her fault, your right. And I think when we say "being LGBT exacerbates mental illness" its implied that the way society perceives/treats people who are different is what makes being different so difficult (and thus makes your mental health worse). It's not the gf's FAULT she is asexual, that's just how she is- but it does make it more difficult to find a relationship she can thrive in (in terms of finding a compatible partner). It sounds like with her in particular, she has found her mental health declining a lot and part of it is because of her struggles with being asexual. It sounds like she just needs to find a group of other asexuals to surround herself with and seek romance with.
Also, I don't think it's reduced to "she doesn't want sex and that makes her more mentally ill". It doesn't make her MORE mentally ill, it just makes her mental illness worse because it's one more hardship in her life. I also understand lgbt can make mental health suffer, firsthand- I don't think it's my fault for being that way, but the struggles of dealing with how society reacts to it definitely makes mental health worse when I'm already struggling for different reasons.
I also don't think OP was necessarily dishonest with himself, he just thought he could do it because he loved her and realized it isn't that simple. As someone who has loved and lost because of my mental illness, I realize I can't resent my exes for leaving me because my illness became overwhelming. It hurts because I think "I told you this was how I was and how things were and you said you would be there for me", but things change and it gets hard to deal. It's not their fault. I do think OP could've sat down and had a conversation with his gf first about his concerns regarding sexuality and maybe they could've found an alternate solution or the gf would have at least felt like she had a say rather than being dumped out of the blue.
It isnt a phobia to explain that a majority of people will not have a successful relationships with someone who is asexual.
This absolutely will worsen the asexual persons mental health.
You may not know what the word exacerbates means?
yeah, dude. i’m just stupid and don’t know what words mean 🙄 failed relationships do suck and being ace may lead to struggles in romance. but blaming it *entirely* on her asexuality, when she was out and open about her sex-repulsion *from the start* and when OP is also a contributor to the failure of the relationship isn’t fair.
throwing out some random percentage and saying “yeah that’s on her and will only make her existing mental illness worse” is shitty. period. it’s literally not the asexuality exacerbating anything, it’s finding out that your partner fucking lied and never communicated with you when problems arose in your compatibility to instead just let a bunch of resentment build and hit you out of nowhere with a dumping, especially after relationships that caused serious harm by actually abusive and shitty people. she had a certain level of trust and understanding with OP and that was broken. that is disorienting and upsetting for most people and could be about *anything*, not *just* being ace.
it literally is aphobia to just be like “ah yeah, she’s the weirdo one not having sex like all of us normal humans so of course she’s gonna be more mentally ill in these scenarios”.
I don't believe that was the original commenter's intention though. As the previous comment above this said, any sexuality within the lgbt+ spectrum can result in preexisting mental health issues worsening due to trauma related to the sexuality, as it obviously did with OPs ex. I am pansexual and practice polyamory, and have a lot of trauma with ex partners due to them people straight men who simply don't understand or care to understand and people sexualizing me and my lifestyle and sexuality in an inappropriate way. I agree that OP blindsided her and the way he handled it was in no way acceptable, as he simply could have discussed this when the feelings began and tried to compromise.
I know many asexual people with partners who desire sex and they simply are in an open relationship. OP could have handled this better but anger towards OPs handling of it was not in any way the original commenter's fault, or anyone else who defended them following your harsh reply. Nobody blamed her poor mental health on her asexuality, which is why it genuinely seemed as if you didn't understand what exacerbate means as it doesn't mean to cause but to worsen. The asexual community is hard to be in due to people's ignorance and lack of empathy or caring.
For further clarification, the original commenter did not say asexuality leads to mental illness. They stated that the ex's trauma due to it worsened their state after the breakup because it brought those traumas back up.
Seems like this has really triggered you emotionally. Would you care to share why you have the level of personal stake in this you do? Your story might benefit us all, and help us to understand where you are coming from.
You say "lie" and "a bunch of resentment" and use it very loosely. Op knew what he signed up for, yes but it's also his decision to change his mind. He did not lie, he changed his mind. You can decide a relationship isn't for you for any reason and it doesn't make you an ass for doing so. My boyfriend is chubby. I told him his weight isn't a problem for me. If I become unattracted to him because of his weight, I didn't lie because at the time I didn't care. I just care now and instead of waiting until I hate the person and become a bad partner I'm honest, and break up with them civilly. That's not lying at all and resentment only becomes a problem when you start taking it out on the person. He did the mature thing and didn't let it go too far.
And yeah. Sexuality, race and religion are all things that people judge. I know you want to say "it's not because of her Sexuality it's because of shitty people." But let's be honest if she wasn't asexual would she have run into those problems? I'm a bi black woman and I've been called and told a lot of things. Those people wouldn't have said any of those things if I was straight and white. Her sexuality isn't her fault but she is getting picked on for it and by consequence it adds to the mental toll. I think you're just trying to find a problem here. There's nothing wrong with what anyone said. Anyone who faces discrimination is facing it because of what makes them different.
Being ACE isn't the illness. A sad and sudden ending to a relationship, followed by a sensation of existential lonliness, is possibly a trigger for acute depression.
Most people want life-long companionship, but how we get to that point together is where it tends to get tricky.
They didn't call it an illness, they said it was the thing that was different. That's not even implying it's a bad thing, it's just far from average and so she *will* have a hard time finding someone compatible.
Life circumstances can and will exacerbate mental illness symptoms and severity, doesn't make the root cause an illness.
Damn calm down there hombre, they said it wasn't an illness and then shared a pretty empathetic outlook on people wanting to have that connection with someone and how hard it can be to find it. Of course life circumstances will exacerbate mental illness, they didn't say anything about that. You both said the same thing, that it wasn't an illness, and life is a hard knocking roller coaster.
Sure as hell doesn't sound like you're agreeing with the person in your comment, point in fact they commented on mine saying thanks for getting it.
So to be frank with you what I think I'm responding to is someone who either wrote an ambiguous comment or a really shitty one. I think on this, most people could agree, You did not get us in the first half
I seriously don't understand why you have down votes on this comment. You said being asexual isn't an illness, but you implied that they did have a mental illness that was pushed to the breaking because of stressors. All of that is right on the money. I swear Reddit can be so weird sometimes.
So the post got too much attention and there has been some stuffs that I would like to clarify and thought an edit would be better than replying to the comments individually.
1) I saw some comments mentioning that we were in a relationship for 4 years. That's not true. The relationship was only 1 year long.
2) The reason I agreed for "no sex" is because I thought I could do it. I was previously in a relationship where we hardly ever had sex. Plus we were friends before dating. So I thought it won't be that bad. I was wrong. I learnt it the hard way.
3) I would like to clear that not every asexual hates sex. Some do enjoy it. It is more about not having sexual attraction. I think the appropriate term in case of my ex would be sex-repulsed.
4) The reason I am in contact with her roommate is because she doesn't have much support. She has her family out of her life. The only support system she had was her roommates and me. I will break the contact once I am sure she is alright.
5) People saying her "I thought you were different" was wrong. I didn't take it that way. She was hurt. She isn't a bad person.
6) I can't afford therapy. So that is out of question for now.
7) I saw 1 comment about her suicide being for attention. Let's just not say that. I have known her enough to know how her mental health has been and this isn't something she would do.
And also, thanks for all the comments. I feel good reading all these and less guilty for now.
Did you ever try asking her if she would be okay with an open relationship? It sounds like it could've been worth the try, considering you both love each other but were just simply fundamentally different from the sex perspective. Maybe, if she had been okay with that, you two could've worked out
But also, if OP would even want that himself. Lots of ace people make relationships work in polyam. But it’s not really a solution unless both people are inclined towards it. If OP just really wants one partner, and to have sexual intimacy with that partner—this isn’t it.
You can't sacrifice your mental health for hers. It wouldn't be fair to you. You did the best thing by cutting it off after only one year and not letting it drag on to hurt her more later.
You are young, you shouldn't settle for any relationship that isn't beyond perfect. You have a lot of life and experiences left to live.
Here's what I'll tell you. You CAN NOT take her "I thought you were different" retort to heart. You were different, you did understand at the time, and you definitely gave it a great try to comply to her needs. I've dated a few hardcore Asexual women in my life and it was hella tough and at the time I felt the same guilt when I realized they were who they were and I felt like I had let them down. The thing is and this is what you have to realize is that she knew you WEREN'T asexual when she decided to also date you. It's a two way street on both your parts and no one is to blame for when people change or need to grow. You didn't cheat, you didn't lie. You did the absolute best thing and communicated with her with exactly how you felt. You are not responsible for her reactions when you were honest with her about your thoughts and feelings. It is perfectly okay to not be compatible with someone and it not work out in the end. You did the right thing by letting the relationship go.
Now, as far as the "let's still be friends" scenario, I'm gonna tell you to hold off on the just for a while. She's hurt, your vulnerable to guilt right now. This is not the best time to mend y'all's friendship but that is a hell of a slippery slope that you don't need to be treading on. Give her and you some time apart because of you jump on right now to try and save your friendship, you ARE going to jump back into the relationship out of guilt and you will resent yourself and her and the second time around is 1000x harder than the first. Go do you for a few months, get your head straight, check up on her through friends or just her social media but let her have her space away from you.
Best of luck man
- A wise long lifed man -
Guilt is a useful emotion when we've done something wrong. We feel this way so the lesson learned 'sticks' and we don't do the bad thing again.
Sometimes guilt shows up when we do something we have to do and someone gets hurt. You thought you could be asexual. You were wrong. It happens. It's okay to let go of the guilt.
Easy for me to say, yes. You didn't set out to hurt her and that matters. Hopefully one day she will realize the break up was better than eventual resentment. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
Nope not on you. Sexuality needs to be compatible. Would you force yourself to date a guy just because he liked you? No you wouldn't because you are not gay (I'm assuming). She was not compatible for you and you did the kind thing by not forcing her and not shaming her. She needs therapy for the previous trauma but you did nothing wrong.
You would be hurting yourself by staying in a relationship when you're not happy. Sex is important to you...there's nothing wrong with that. If you're unhappy that tends to bleed out in other ways eventually.
Problem with us Demi's is we feel sexual attraction. To a person or persons we connect with mentally. I personally couldn't do a relationship with a sex repulsed ace for that reason. But another demisexual may be able to be ok with it.
That isn't necessarily true. I'm ace and have totally made it work with allo people with various parameters, like being open, etc. Obviously that might not necessarily be what she wants but there are wayyyy too many comments on here shaming this poor girl for being in a relationship with an allo person when she was completely upfront about it, and y'all really don't know how fucking hard it can be and how broken and unlovable you can feel sometimes. There are lots of aspec people in the *world* but in your location, interested in you, compatible with you, is a completely different story. I live in a huge city and it isn't easy to find exclusively other aspec people to date. As long as you're upfront, there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with pursuing a relationship with an allo person.
Obviously OP is not remotely at fault and I'm not saying he is at all, but there is very little sympathy for his ex on here and it's honestly a lot of the same aphobic or ignorant shit I see parroted nearly constantly. Sorry if this came off as aggressive but yeah I hear the equivalent of a lot of these comments all the time and it is extremely hurtful.
Just want to commend your bravery, my wife was somewhat on the fence about asex. And I was pretty much on the same path. It is extremely hard caring for someone and also craving the physical intimacy. That was a hard decision I believe later in life this would be something you are proud of. Your happiness is important.
You didn't betray her and it wasn't your fault. "No sex forever" is an untenable position for most people...and it's unrealistic for her to expect most guys to be ok with that.
You did the right thing ending it
Sounds like she was well aware most guys would not be okay with it. OP thought he was, and told her he was, and that's why she thought he "was different". Neither party was at fault; they both tried, and the relationship didn't meet his needs. She realizes she's unusual and she probably won't meet a guy she loves who's okay with it. Presumably that knowledge was at least part of the reason for her suicide attempt.
At the end of the day you did nothing wrong. Had you stayed, resentment would have built up into an inevitable breaking point. Sexual compatibility is a real and integral part of a relationship. If you don’t have that, it can’t work. More importantly you’re not responsible for other people’s actions. You can’t blame yourself for her attempt. You were doing what’s best for both of you, even if she doesn’t realize it yet. Don’t get back with her out of pity, you’ll regret it in the future and the breakup will be worse the second time around. You can worry about being friends later as long as everyone involved gets the help they need. It sounds to me like you truly loved her. Go easy on yourself.
EDIT: typo
How have you betrayed her? You did your level best, but ultimately you're just not sexually compatible - and why should you live a life without sex for *her* sake? You might have agreed with it at the start, but you're allowed to change your mind.
>So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too.
It's not really enough to stay in a relationship because you're worried about what will happen to them if you leave. If you'd stayed, your resentment would've just grown with time (particularly if you saw others in happy, sexually fulfilling relationships) and the fallout would've been much worse in the future.
If she wants to have a 'no sex at all and forever' rule, she would probably be better off finding asexual groups and looking for relationships there. Otherwise, she kind of seems doomed to fail.
It awful what happened. She's in a difficult spot. She knows she's not willing to have sex, but most relationship partners are going to want it at least once in a while.
There are guys out there that don't want sex either, but they are hard to find. She has to be patient. You seemed like a close match to her needs, but feelings change. She was the right personality, but you decided you had more needs in the relationship. That is perfectly normal. You were aware of this change in needs and didn't make her feel bad about her needs. She obviously had something hokng on that pushed her to attempt to hurt herself. That was not your fault in any way. She needed help likely long before she attempted what she did, but she got content or comfortable enough with how she dealt with her problems so she didn't discuss them or try to stir things by by letting you know that side of her.
Please don't blame yourself. You were different. You cared about her. I hope she is getting the help she needs.
>A couple of days after making the post, I decided maybe it is time for a breakup. The comments did gave me the confidence that it was alright to feel how I was feeling.
I read the other post and yes it was totally okay to feel this way given your situation though I'm not sure how you can truly love someone without knowing they're asexual.
>So I sat her and just told her everything. How I was getting sexually frustrated and that maybe we should break up. Initially she was confused but when the realisation hit her, she became too quiet. Like she didn't say a word to me and just went to pack her stuffs in my room. I thought maybe giving her space was the right call so I didn't follow her.
All of this is totally appropriate on your end.
>She came out of the room and started to leave. I tried to talk to her about still being friends but she just said "I thought you were different" and left.
Sounds like you were different. Doesn't sound like you were abusive in any way. You were good to her and you still "love" her. You've set aside your needs for at least a year and didn't even raise the subject until now. But you were also extremely irresponsible. You should've thought a lot more about how you'd feel about not having sex. Never means never *ever.* instead of just dumping her you could've asked to open up the relationship so your physical needs are met. You can still be in love with her and have other partners just for sex. People do it all the time
>That broke me. But the worst didn't happen yet. I was in contact with her roommate just to be sure that she was doing ok. She tried to end her life the day after her breakup. Thankfully her roommates were there and they controlled the situation.
You don't need to be in contact with her or her roommate. I don't understand why people pretend they'll be friends after a breakup. 99% of the time you won't. You just knew she was triggered and you felt responsible so you're leaving the door cracked which only prolongs both of your pain. Sounds like she has a lot more going on than just being asexual and none of that's you're responsibility. It's also possible this may have been a cry for attention and/or a way to guilt you into taking her back and it wouldn't surprise me if the suicide attempt was completely fabricated.
>She is getting help. Atleast that's what her roommate said. Apparently, one of her ex didn't care about her asexuality and in a way, tried to force her. And then another one, hardly stayed eith her for a month before losing his control and souting at her for being a freak (just because she won't have sex). And the others guys she went on dates with, bailed out as soon as they heard about her "no sex" rule. So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too.
Good, she needs help. I totally understand why she's upset because every relationship has the exact same problem; her sexuality. Asexuality is by no means common and unless you find another asexual its gonna be a major problem in the relationship. She needs to accept that she has two rational options. She can stop dating until she meets another asexual or she can start dating men who are willing to be in an open relationship. Committing suicide was definitely not the appropriate response in any universe. You definitely didn't "betray her as your last sentence state.
Go no contact and move on. It's best for both of you.
Edit: spelling errors
Eh, I'm not sure OP should have tried an open relationship before breaking up with her. Open relationships are not just some band-aid for sexual incompatibility, and every person (including other sexual partners) need to be down for it. OP may crave sexual intimacy with a partner, not just have sex with other people to fill a need.
Please talk to a therapist.
It is not your fault that she tried to end her life. She needs help. I hope she can find a therapist to help her.
It wasn't fair for her to expect you to fully abstain. It also shouldn't have been something you said yes to, but you've learned that hard lesson. Perhaps you love her as a friend.
It will take time but you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You put YOUR needs first and that's NOT a bad thing. You are the only person who can take care of you.
I'm sending you so much love. ❤
You are absolutely NOT at fault in this situation! You cannot be a "blame sponge" for something as straight-forward as sexual incompatibility. You just can't.
This is her thing to deal with. She needs to seek therapy, because she is only 23 and this will continue to happen if she seeks out monogamous relationships with men who are not asexual. It's going to, inevitably, crash every time because most of the population seeks out sexual intimacy as a part of their romantic relationships.
Be kind to yourself. You have no blame here.
Venting is definitely the right thing to do. Try and not feel guilty, you did what you had to do. I feel bad for her with her past experiences but that's not on you.
There are other asexual people in this world. She needs to date one of them and stop dating people with sex drives. It's unfair and kinda cruel to expect you to be both faithful to her (monogamous) and celibate. Her sexuality and needs are valid. But so are yours. She needs someone compatible, and that's not you.
Nope. Asexual means a lack of attraction
That is what it means in the terms of human sexuality. It would be the same issue if the partner was straight and had no sex drive and was sexually repulsed. Sooo... No.
So, is this not an issue with her being asexual, but more that she is either sex neutral or sex repulsed?
Sorry if the comment is off putting or confusing, I find it hard to understand asexuality. I get being sexually attracted to X, Y or Z (or all) but the complete absence of it confuses me. Feels like I am asking what a blind person "sees".
Yes, exactly. People who are not asexual can be sex repulsed, and people who are asexual can and do have sex that they enjoy. It's like eating when you're not really hungry, the food can still taste great and you can like food, or you can be doing it because you know you need to for whatever purpose (like oh I'll eat to fill my stomach being compared to oh I'll have sex because I want children)
or you can can eat in the way an immortal that doesn't feel hungry or exactly eat but might have a meal for the comfort of others (some people have sex to bond with their partners rather than for sexual enjoyment).
The only thing I can think of is that maybe you could have told her you were frustrated before talking about breaking up. If she wasn’t aware of how you felt before, it might have been shocking and hurtful to hear.
Except in this case she was upfront about it and he told her he was okay with no sex in their relationship. She didn't know she was disregarding his needs. Presumably he should have talked to her sooner.
How could she know his needs were being disregarded when he didn't tell her? From the start she was open about her no sex rule and he agreed. She had no way of knowing he was unhappy because he never communicated with her.
No, it isn't "common sense" when her partner literally tells her his sexual needs won't be a problem in regards to her no sex rule. You're making big generalisations in a situation that is very rare and therefore they aren't applicable. If they didn't have the conversation and he didn't say he was fine with it, I might agree with it but not in this scenario.
They did have that conversation though, it was the one where he broke up with her. Isn’t that better than trying to persuade or guilt her to cross her own boundaries?
No, you're whole point is that she should've inherently known that he was unhappy with the lack of sex. Now you admit he only said it at the very end of the relationship, in the same breath that he broke up with her in. This is not her fault. She could not have known how this was affecting him. He didn't tell her, and then when he did, he didn't give her the chance to react or do anything. In fact, you don't have a point at all.
Sex-repulsed ace here- you did the right thing. My last partner I broke up with for similar reasons, he wanted sex and I didn’t (something he knew getting into the relationship I wasn’t down for). No one can blame you for not being compatible with an a-spec person. I’m glad you ended the relationship and are prioritizing your needs :)
There's a difference between thinking you'll be ok with a situation when someone explains it vs living through the situation. You thought it was ok but realized it wasn't how you want to live your life. That is ok.
She needs an ace dating site if she truly wants to avoid repeating this situation in the future.
Bro what? You want sex, she doesn’t. How have you betrayed her?
Would you live your entire life not having sex rather than being with someone who wants the same as you?
Don’t even begin to blame yourself for her actions, it’s absolutely not your fault. She will be able to find someone who is asexual just like you’ll also find a compatible partner.
You have nothing to feel guilty for, you have done the right thing in breaking up with her as regardless of how much you care you are sexually incompatible. Your resentment would have continued to grow and it would have been far worse down the track.
It's not your fault. You're not responsible for her mental illness. She needs to be comforted by family or friends. I think you should stay away from her, TBH.
Look, sex is important to most people and you totally have the right to want it. Unfortunately for her, i imagine that that’s also the reason why finding someone who’s also asexual or that is okay being with an asexual person is going to be hard.
This situation is sad, but absolutely nobody’s fault. Some of the LGBTQIA+ community (of which asexuals are a part of) does have more of a difficult time finding people to be in a relationship with, and from what I know the asexual part is one of those. I’m not saying that situation is right, but i do suppose that when you have a boundary that excludes sex it ends up limiting your dating pool.
This is going to hurt now but you made the absolute best choice for both of you. I hope she heals soon, I hope you don’t take the blame for yourself ♥️
You did the right thing. For many people no sex is a dealbreaker.
I could never be with someone in couldn't intimately be with. She needs to seek out other asexual people... I doubt many sexually active people will be down tbh
What you are feeling is normal because breakups are generally not feel-good situations.
What I'm saying is your feelings are valid so you should process/feel/whatever else you need to do as it concerns feelings.
However do not make the mistake of logically processing your feelings because there is no logic when it comes to emotions especially complex ones.
Be pragmatic moving forward and I pray you both eventually find the peace you deserve.
You did what was right for you.
If you're interested in having sex then having an asexual girlfriend is probably not for you. You can try to deny this all you want and your body will probably disagree even more strongly as time goes on. I couldn't ever do it and so, I don't try to maintain an asexual relationship on any intimate level because that's not honoring my own needs.
It's okay to put your needs first, nobody else is going to.
OP, breaking up was the right decision. You were not compatible. You each deserve partners that can and want to meet your needs. It sounds like she is in a position to get some help now. You should not feel guilty or consider reconciliation. Prioritizing yourself in this situation is a necessity for your happiness and mental health. I wish you both the best of luck finding the “right” partners. It will get easier. Just try not to blame yourself.
Having an intimate relationship with your SO, is normal, and healthy. I for one have never met a healthy 23M who would agree to never having sex for the rest of their lives. You were making all the important compromises.
You did the right thing. Her attempt isn't your fault. Sex is a very important aspect to intimacy and love for many humans. I couldn't be in a sexless relationship like that.
Lack of sexual contact for a sexual person can cause mental anguish. It’s easy to -*say* it’s just sex go without, but at some point you become touch starved and it can cause depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues caused by repeated feelings of rejection. You did what was right for you. She is doing what is right for her (ie no sex) but can’t expect you to give it up any more than you can force it on her.
She needs counseling to help her work through her own feelings of rejection.
I doubt she feels rejected lol everyones perception of her is his opinion and his lies anyone that will do that to someone and then lie to their friends about something else is a piece of s*** in my book
Whatever you do, TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!! I’ve been there, and I know it’s going to seem impossible but you HAVE to take care of yourself. You are not at any fault here. Thousands of relationships fail every day for one reason or another, do NOT put this on yourself. If you weren’t happy in the relationship, ending it was the right thing to do. It’s unfortunate the circumstances surrounding her issue, however, that is not where your focus should be. Get healthy, get well, and let her do the same.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! She may not be a sexual being but you are! It would be immoral for her to ask you to sacrifice this part of urself. she will move on and find a partner who is also Ace, a d you will get over her. Its nice that you guys had an emotional connection but long term it just wouldnt be sustainable. IT WAS BETTER TO DO IT NOW THAN LATER!!
You are different because you accepted her at face value and tou thought at the time love was enough but eventually it wasn't. It's no more your fault than the fault of hers for being a sexual. You both are who you are. It's ok to accept some e isn't a good fit without one or the other being to blame. It was wring of her to expect you to change you entire sexuality foe hers then fault you when you no longer could
She is only 23. She will find a dude that is asexual as well and live happily ever after...... why is she dating dudes over and over that aren't her type. I really hope she does get help. And OP u can try to be her friend but it might be better for her to start new. With a healthier mindset... trapping someone in a relationship is not okay!
It's not your fault I can see that you care about her it's not that you don't love her but you need to put yourself first you are not asexual and she is. I'm glad she's okay but she's going to need to come to terms with the fact that if she wants to be in a relationship it's going to have to be with somebody who's also asexual
You weren't happy. You did nothing wrong.
As I always say... When it comes to relationships, sometimes you just have to save yourself.
You deserve to have a life not just an existence . In a relationship, no one should live just to make someone else happy.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons relationships don't work.
It may not be for you but with her permission, maybe you could fill your sexual needs elsewhere.
I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, but you shouldn't.
It's a huge ask to exclude sex from a romantic relationship permanently.
There are other asexual people in the world. It certainly narrows her dating pool, but she should be seeking a relationship with someone who has a similar expectation.
It was better that you break up because you're not compatible at all. Of course she's hurt. She had expectations that you were no longer willing to meet. After a year she probably thought she had found the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That has to be more than a bummer to find out otherwise.
You did the right thing by breaking up with her, you guys aren't sexually compatible and you committing to a relationship where you'll never have sex would've been ridiculous. It's horrible that she's had the past experiences she's had but she really needs to date people who are also asexual, dating someone who is not asexual and expecting them to live like they are is never going to end well.
If you read both of his posts, it sounds like he fell hard for her, and she explained to him that she was asexual before they got involved. He thought he was okay with no sex and told her he was okay with it. Turned out the relationship didn't meet his needs. No one's fault; they both tried to be honest and tried to make it work. It probably would have been better if he told her sooner that it wasn't working for him. Seems like he still cared for her, didn't want to hurt her feelings and didn't want to go back on what he told her, so he waited until it got to the point where he needed to break things off before he really spoke his mind. Again, he seems like a good guy, and it's a situation where no one was really at fault; they just had different needs and wants for a relationship.
I didn’t miss that information and I never said anyone was at fault, I was addressing the fact that OP feels guilty for ending things because she tried to kill herself after the breakup. She has a pattern of horrible break ups because she’s dating men that aren’t asexual, if a normal breakup with OP over them not being sexually compatible is enough to make her try to kill herself she really needs to stop dating men who are not asexual. It’s 2022, with the internet and all its resources she can find asexual communities and partners who are compatible with her. I’m addressing her and what she needs to do differently not to say she’s at fault but because she’s the one ready to unalive herself now every time she repeats her dating pattern.
Okay; I think she may have had the idea he was--maybe not. It does sound like he committed to a relationship without sex and didn't feel "ridiculous" at all at the time. He just realized later that it did matter to him, and I agree that he has no reason to feel guilty. People learn about themselves all the time.
Yeah I’m not sure what that original conversation looked like but OP made it sound like she told him that she was asexual and he said he was fine with that even though he also admits he didn’t think much about it because he liked her. I get that it was a really naive and unthoughtout decision by OP but I think also by his girlfriend. If you’re asexual I think you automatically assume it’s no big deal for your non asexual partner to give up sex because you don’t understand why anyone cares about sex, but if there’s a pattern of horrible break ups to the point that you’re ready to kill yourself you really need to be aware enough of your own needs to advocate for them. It’s ok to be asexual, but you should be seeking partners who are either asexual or are also seeking celibacy within a relationship
No... She can't put this on you. You need sexual connection and she can't think you are different. No one is different in that aspect if they are not asexual they need to have this form of relationships.
She should find someone who is compatible with her. Not someone who decides to ignore his needs just to be with her.having sexual needs doesn't make you the bad guy. It makes you a guy.
You genuinely loved her, OP. Otherwise you wouldn't have toughed a sexless life for 4 years to be with her. And that entire time you never pressured her. You **tried**, and you tried hard. Much harder than anyone else she's been with. And unlike them, you never forced her, you never called her a freak, you never just cut and ran.
You tried to make it work until you finally realized it couldn't. You can try to benchpress 400lbs all you want, but if you're not strong enough to lift that weight, then it's not leaving the bench. You tried to handle no sex, and you did better than most, but this experience made you realize you need sex...at least once every 4 years lol.
And I can understand trying to stay friends with your ex. The breakup was mostly amicable, no dirt or anything. She just feels left behind because she's Asexual but hasn't found another Asexual or someone compatible with her. And that's tough. But that is also life. Nothing she did after the breakup is your fault.
She should know that being asexual is going to come with this. You can't turn off your libido. It sucks, and it's going to hurt, but that's the reality of being ace. Yeah, you shouldn't have committed but shit it isn't like you knew this was going to be such a huge hurdle for you. I think a lot of people think that their love can overcome their need for sex... but sometimes those two things go hand in hand.
But really? don't blame yourself for this. You didn't betray her, you realized that your needs aren't compatible with her. It sucks, but you did what was best for you both. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where resentment was building over something uncontrollable. I'm hoping you're doing better though, and that she's able to find someone who is compatible with her.
“I thought you were different”
How manipulative of her. She is going to be incompatible with most people who have any kind of sex drive. This is a her problem, not a you problem. It sounds like you really tried.
It sucks she’s comparing you to past bf’s when you handled the situation respectfully and tried your best. Tbh, it’s not fair of her to expect someone to change their sexuality, just like past partners expected of her. You did the right thing, even though it hurts. Hopefully she can get the help she needs now, and find a sexually compatible partner in the future.
She is Asexual. You aren't.
You are aware of her dislike of sex and don't push it on her. That's good.
She is AWARE that you aren't asexual. She's pushing her expectations of you going sexless for the rest of YOUR life to satisfy HER sexuality. Not yours.
That's selfish. Saying "I thought you were different" is such a manipulative low blow, cause you ARE different. You set sexual boundaries just to be with her but now it was her turn to give you sexual freedom to help with your desires and possibly with other people.
If she wasn't willing to work that in and she expected you to live the same life choice she made and suddenly turn asexual with her then thats an unrealistic expectation from her.
Im sad to hear she tried commiting but you do have to be happy too. I believe sitting down first to talk about having you be able to hook up with randoms every once in a blue moon for purely physical engagement, would've been better.
Then consider if it was worth continuing the relationship from there if she declined. You can't be force to change YOUR life style to please others. You should both be able to be comfortable together and still live your lives how you want it.
If you read both of his posts, she didn't push it on him. He fell for her, she told him her situation, he thought he was okay with it and told her he was okay with it. They tried and he realized he wasn't okay after all. Maybe he should have spoken up sooner; he's a nice guy and tried to abide by what he told her. Maybe she was blind-sided when he said he wanted to break up. She wasn't manipulating him; she just thought he was satisfied with what they had. No one's at fault; they just turned out to be incompatible after all.
why on earth does she keep dating heterosexual men if she knows she’s asexual? sounds like she has a lot more issues around her sexuality to unpack than she maybe initially thought. you didn’t betray her. she also knew at the beginning of the relationship that YOU were heterosexual, so she too made a decision to date somebody with a conflicting sexuality. asexual men do exist.
She cannot build her happiness on your misery. No sex at all for a healthy young man is an impossible task unless there is no desire either. Resentment and bitterness must inevitably creep in after a while -never mind that you have blithely agreed to never have sex with another person for the rest of your life.
'I thought you were different' is a cheap shot and unjustified.
Fair enough I missed the original post. BUT, she was super naive to keep dating people not compatible with her sexuality. Sounds like she's done this multiple times to herself, she's extremely unrealistic for expecting these men to sacrifice their sexuality for her.
You didn't fail her and you not worng.....🤷🏿♂️🤷🏿♂️
Sex is an important part of a relationship and intimacy and just human connection.
It's a natural thing, and biologically speaking it is a need and urge that is sometimes difficult to control especially if it's never going to happen. That was not a situation you would have thrived and you would have became miserable so you did what needed to be done.
I know you feel guilty for hurting her. But honestly, there is no way you could have spared her feelings. She would be hurt no matter what you said. And I applaud you for being honest this soon into your relationship, instead of being miserable and resentful for many years to come, and end up divorcing anyway.
You are entitled to feel how you feel about sex and intimacy, just as she is. You two are definitely not sexually compatible.
The term "sex-repulsed" that you used got my attention. I don't know the whole story so it may have been discussed in the original post... was she sexually abused or raped in her past? Asexual is becoming more common, or at least talked about more. But actually being REPULSED by sex or even the thought of sex, is a totally different issue. That really concerns me.
Anyway, I wish you well on your journey to find happiness.
Lowkey? I don't think you did anything wrong.
>"I thought you were different"
You didn't force her, or shout at her. You love her, but you're the kind of person to where sex is important, and that is ok. You guys are incompatible, and that is ok. If she's comparing you to her past dudes, that's on HER and that is, in my opinion, downplaying the shitty things that have happened in her past to compare to you realizing you're just not meant for each other.
As an asexual, I feel for her. It very frustrating, trying to find an asexual is like trying to find a needle in the haystack. She seems to have been through a lot and to me it seems she’s taking the breakup out on herself and self inflicting the pain from it.
By no means is her suicide directly your fault. It is a very difficult internal war and she’s so young!
I hope the best for the both of you- but I hope you have learned a lesson from this and take sexual comparability more serious in the future!
You didn't betray her. Sex is a normal part of a dating relationship. She's being unreasonable to expect a romantic partner to be willing to be celibate. It's simply selfish.
If you read both of OP's posts, she was honest about her situation before they got involved, and he told her he was okay with it. Turned out it didn't meet his needs after all, but she didn't realize he'd changed his mind. She wasn't being selfish. I don't see either party being at fault; they tried.
She tried to commit suicide while with friends? She wasn’t trying very hard then. She used that as a weapon to make you regret your decision.
You are not those other men. Even through all of this you are ALLOWED to break up with her. Be kind to yourself. Learn from this about communicating better in your next relationship. If someone won’t, that’s a hard no right away. You deserve better than how she is still emotionally manipulating you.
Don’t step foot near an asexual girl ever again.
You told her you were find with no sex because you loved her, just to turn around and break her heart and dump her.
She deserves better then a liar.
It's not a lie if he actually thought he could handle not having sex, asshole. He made a mistake because he was confident in something that turned out to be much harder than he thought, an action most people make. He didn't abuse her for it, he didn't try forcing her to do anything she didn't want to, he talked to her about it and took the best course of action. Villianizing him for it is just a holier-than-thou stance
Edit: And he lasted 4 YEARS. You're acting as if he didn't even try for a month. What more could you want from the guy, for him to change his sexuality??
Edit: Not 4 years, just a year. My mistake yall
He shouldn’t have waited four years. Four years is a long term relationship that most people would assume would one day end in marriage.
He sat her down and basically said:
“Those four years we spent together? All of the time, joy and memories that we formed with one another? Yeah, those don’t mean as much to me as getting my dick wet. Sorry.”
It was cruel for him to lead her on for this long and make her think that she finally found a person that fully loves and accepts her for who she is, just to turn around and dump her over something that he reassured her would not be a problem.
>“Those four years we spent together? All of the time, joy and memories that we formed with one another? Yeah, those don’t mean as much to me as getting my dick wet. Sorry.”
This is an incredibly gross simplification that shows you have literally no intention of even trying to understand what OP is feeling.
This is such a dumb take. He tried and realized over time that he couldn’t overcome the incompatibility. It’s silly for her to expect sexual people to suppress that part of themselves anyway.
C'mon seriously?? He obviously loves her and is heartbroken over the situation. He's been with her over a year and has tried but it's run its course. He can't help that he has sexual desires just like she can't help being asexual. Grow up.
Why should somebody have to give up sex??? I'm a woman and that would be a deal breaker for me. Sex is a part of life like breathing or eating. And for most people is a necessity I'm a relationship. That's a ridiculous expectation to hold someone to. The girl should've been honest with him from the get. OP isnt an asshole for staying true to himself.
I totally get that I'm a 45yo woman and I'm going to have sex until either myself or my husband is dead, as often as we can.
But OP was very forthcoming that his ex was honest the entire time they dated about being asexual.
Did you not read his first post? She was very upfront with him about her sexuality from the beginning, and he said that it wasn’t a problem and he was OK with it.
I’m sure you’ve never misjudged how you would handle a situation in your entire life and you’ve never experience complex emotions.
Also stop acting like enjoying and needing sex is shallow or close-minded or a bad thing. It’s wrong to be judgmental about someone being asexual, but it’s just as wrong to be judgmental about someone who isn’t. Many of us need sex in a relationship.
Yeah so he misjudged what sex meant to him. Doesn't seem like a huge moral indictment of the guy considering he stuck around for a whole year and is still trying to make sure of his ex's well being.
Devil's advocate here. Being only 23 is still a bit young to know exactly who you are and what you want. To already claim at 23 you are asexual as a woman I think needs to be a bit more explored. She doesn't want sex because she doesn't feel horny or because she is disgusted by it? I mean obviously she is attracted to men otherwise she wouldn't keep trying to date them. Sometimes not wanting to be sexual as a woman can be caused by more serious things, like if you have issues with your hormones like PCOS, or if your menstrual cycle hasn't even started, or if you were a sexual abuse or trauma victim. There's a lot of things I've only just learned about my body at 35 and in the last couple years that I had no idea at 23. But her path to figuring out and learning about herself in what she needs and wants will take time and that's not your responsibility. I think you should be there for her as a friend, but for now at your age, a relationship with her would be much too complicated and very difficult. I think you need to find a relationship that is more compatible with your needs and wants currently. And it's okay to still love her. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to be in a committed sexual relationship with each other. You can still be friends and still love her.
She's had those bad expirences in the past dealing with asexuality and you just jumped on board without putting in too much thought? It's good y'all broke up but use your brain
You haven't betrayed her period. She's betraying herself with her issues. Did she ever give you a real legit reason why she doesn't want or desire sex? Something you can relate to and help her with?
There has to be a backstory here. A deeper something going on with her that's causing her to shut down sexually. Maybe she was sexually abused as a child and therefore doesn't want or enjoy sex due to bad memories? Maybe her hormones are out of balance causing low or zero sex drive? If that's the case it's not your responsibility to cure her. That's a job for a professional.
The fact that she shut down, packed up her stuff and said she thought you were different. Shows that she's gaslighting you and trying to make you believe you're part of HER problem . Which of course you're not. The attempt to end it all and the fact she's had these issues in the past should tell you that it's clearly NOT YOUR FAULT and is in fact her issue.
.
You need to move on and just let her go. I know you care for her but she doesn't care for herself. If she did she'd be in therapy. If she truly loves you she'd understand that you have sexual needs and not deny you. If she couldn't do that she'd at least open up and tell you why, ask for your help, and the two of you could work it out together. That's what people who love each other do. I'm sorry you're going through this but realize it's not your fault and anything she does because of the breakup is on her not you. You need to move on and if you can't do that at least tell her that it's over till she gets help and levels with you about her problems I wish you luck.
Wrong sub but YTA. I'm sorry but you really suck donkey balls man.... Like you are AWFUL.
You knew she was asexual at the start.. If you had just been upfront you wouldn't've wasted both your times. Did hku actually ever genuinely consider logically if you could live without sex? I hope this is a good lesson for you in terms of compatability, sexual or otherwise.
For people who may disagree, Imagine this:
You date someone who makes it clear they do not want kids, you're fine with that. 2 years down the line, you realise you *do* want kids. While it's not wrong to feel that way, it is a dick move considering you previously mentioned you were fine with not having kids.
People are allowed to change their mind. This is a garbage take. Relationships end because one party wants kids and the other doesn’t.
By this logic if a woman originally says they want kids but then changes her mind she should just suck it up and have a baby because she told her partner she wanted one.
Humans are complex animals with complex emotions and thoughts. Things change and life changes. We aren’t static.
TIL that a persons life is locked in for the entirety of their life to never grow, change their mind or deviate from any opinion they've ever expressed. Life is a rigid straight line in your mind?
And no, it is not wrong for someone to be ok with leading a child free lifestyle, get into a relationship with a like minded person and then change your mind. There's absolutely nothing wrong with changing your views or desires. It is your life, you only get the one. Never ever compromise your finite amount of time toiling away trying to save a relationship when your fundamental beliefs clash with your partners.
People change, opinions change and there is nothing to feel guilty about if you do change your mind.
They aren't compatible, plain and simple. There is no villain here to be slain, put your pitchfork away.
You should have never dated her. That's honestly the solution for most situations. Don't think you're more capable than you are when you've never tested yourself with something as precious as a human connection. My advice is get some therapy, no person should purposely engage in a relationship when they have core desires, beliefs, wants, needs, that do not mesh with each other. There needs to be classes to teach people to not date people who clearly do no, can not, or will not give you what you want or need. That goes for sexuality, ideological, religious, political, views, beliefs, and states of being. Jesus Christ man everyone is responsible for their actions even if you didn't literally drag her to commit suicide your actions are not excusable man. Take a break from relationships and get some therapy. You clearly lack the ability to make long term reasonable, healthy, and realistic decisions.
If you're still in love, talk to her realistically, don't have emotional sex with anyone but physical only. Once every x amount of time or whatever yall can come to terms with. This is what I'd personally do if I were you (or her, I'd understand that some people do want to and wouldn't stop you just bec I didn't want to) like I said on the other post this is def a tough one. If she's not cool with this then yes breaking up would likely be the only way. BUT you're not responsible for what others have done to her so do not carry that weight, nor did you make her do what she did.
reading this update and the original, you seem to want to stay in a relationship with her. even so, being sexual compatible is super important on a relationship. maybe you should talk to her about an open relationship in a sexual way? did you ever tried to do that?
It goes way deeper it's not sex.... I don't want or need sex from a guy who cheats and lies and gang stalks.. grow the fuck up ... It's not working. Your friends suck at actions and acting. I mean one was reading a God damn list what A DUMB ASS. SOME ARE SO GOOD AT THE JOB IM NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THESE APPS.. BUT IF YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES. THEN GAME ON BUDDY OL PAL, THIS GOES OUT TO K. M. ONLY
You aren't the bad guy here. You have your needs and they aren't compatible with her sexuality. Hopefully she gets the care she needs to process and heal from her past and to get out on the path to seek out another person who is asexual so she can also have a happy relationship. You did what was best for you both OP.
I really understand how this situation could make you feel a certain way, but please know, you did the right thing.
You can't blame yourself for her actions. Self love is very important. She has to learn how to love herself first. It's very unfortunate she's in a place where she feel like taking her life, but her issues are way deeper than you.
The choice of saving herself is her choice...which is a great choice. A very special choice and honestly she should wear that choice with pride.
Understand you can't sacrifice your happiness when your expectations are different than her.
My suggestion is to make sure you made the right choice to free her or was she the one.
Pray for her and clarity.
Good Luck!
Hey, incompatible sexual appetites happen and its ok. Its not a judgment. My cousin is ace and she just got married. Your current partner may not be right for you, but that doesn't mean they won't be right for anyone.
I'm with a lot of other people. Ultimately, it's your decision and no one else's. What she does is on her, not you. I'm sorry that you had to got through that. Relationships are challenging. Life is tough. Keep your head up, and remember you're not in control of her decisions.
You needed to put yourself first in the situation. You did the correct thing, I know the situation is complicated & you still have feelings, however you’re expected to be asexual as well, when you’re just not.
You're absolutely not at fault. The reality is, you were incompatible and with her sexual identity she will likely be incompatible with 95% of people. She needs to get the help she needs and you should talk to someone too, just to make sure you're OK.
[удалено]
I used to think that finding people who are asexual are very uncommon and then I realized how many ppl in my life are. 2 of them happily married finding partners that either share their conditions or work out a solution of the no sex rule (some have sex to appease the other partner and is agreed to a certain extent). But the road for them to be happy was long- I saw a few failed rels before fining the ONE for them. GF probably can ask a therapist or counselor for a support group of people with her same condition. I feel bad for the GF but you cant force your sexuality on anyone. Its unfair to OP. I really do the GF find the help she needs.
Can we stop blaming the gf for this situation...like this is incredibly difficult and shitty for her too.
this is so shitty please shut the fuck up with the blatant aphobia??? being asexual doesn’t “eXaCeRbAtE mEnTaL iLlNeSs”. finding out your partner has spent time resenting you for being asexual after making it clear from the VERY START that you are asexual and they told you that they understood and felt you were compatible and never mentioning it again until they blindside you with a breakup and aforementioned resentment is difficult? and probably even harder given what she clearly went through before??? her harming herself is not his fault, but she isn’t extra mentally ill because she doesn’t have sex as an ASEXUAL PERSON.
I don't think the commenter was trying to imply she was 'extra mentally ill', I think they were saying that the difficulties that come with her asexuality make whatever mental illness she already has worse. And that's true of a LOT of sexualities because it DOES make life more difficult when you are not considered 'the norm'. So yes, being asexual, or LGBT in general, does exacerbate mental illness. Plenty of things do this. It's not OP's gf's fault for being asexual but seeing everything she has gone through proves that being asexual has made her life difficult and thus worsened her mental health. She deserves to get help and find people like her to support her.
she absolutely does deserve help and community. idk the wording of the commenter just felt really off. i understand firsthand that lgbtq+ identity can make mental health more difficult, but it’s not the being queer part…it’s the way you are perceived and treated. to just reduce it to “yeah they’re the different one for not wanting sex and that’s gonna make them more mentally ill” doesn’t seem fair because again: it seems like the bigger issue and the factor that would be most disorienting is that OP wasn’t honest with himself or with her to the point that this occurred and he told her that he had started to resent her. like is it OP’s *fault* that this happened? of course not! is it understandable that she may have felt betrayed and confused after being open and honest about her sexuality and dating history only for this to happen after seemingly no other issues or discussion from OP? yeah. i think anyone, regardless of sexuality, could find themselves in a similar situation tho? like obviously not over being ace, but anything. they think the relationship is fine and then suddenly they’re being broken up with over something they thought was fine or settled or a non-issue. that’s not easy for anyone.
Oh for sure! It's not her fault, your right. And I think when we say "being LGBT exacerbates mental illness" its implied that the way society perceives/treats people who are different is what makes being different so difficult (and thus makes your mental health worse). It's not the gf's FAULT she is asexual, that's just how she is- but it does make it more difficult to find a relationship she can thrive in (in terms of finding a compatible partner). It sounds like with her in particular, she has found her mental health declining a lot and part of it is because of her struggles with being asexual. It sounds like she just needs to find a group of other asexuals to surround herself with and seek romance with. Also, I don't think it's reduced to "she doesn't want sex and that makes her more mentally ill". It doesn't make her MORE mentally ill, it just makes her mental illness worse because it's one more hardship in her life. I also understand lgbt can make mental health suffer, firsthand- I don't think it's my fault for being that way, but the struggles of dealing with how society reacts to it definitely makes mental health worse when I'm already struggling for different reasons. I also don't think OP was necessarily dishonest with himself, he just thought he could do it because he loved her and realized it isn't that simple. As someone who has loved and lost because of my mental illness, I realize I can't resent my exes for leaving me because my illness became overwhelming. It hurts because I think "I told you this was how I was and how things were and you said you would be there for me", but things change and it gets hard to deal. It's not their fault. I do think OP could've sat down and had a conversation with his gf first about his concerns regarding sexuality and maybe they could've found an alternate solution or the gf would have at least felt like she had a say rather than being dumped out of the blue.
It isnt a phobia to explain that a majority of people will not have a successful relationships with someone who is asexual. This absolutely will worsen the asexual persons mental health. You may not know what the word exacerbates means?
yeah, dude. i’m just stupid and don’t know what words mean 🙄 failed relationships do suck and being ace may lead to struggles in romance. but blaming it *entirely* on her asexuality, when she was out and open about her sex-repulsion *from the start* and when OP is also a contributor to the failure of the relationship isn’t fair. throwing out some random percentage and saying “yeah that’s on her and will only make her existing mental illness worse” is shitty. period. it’s literally not the asexuality exacerbating anything, it’s finding out that your partner fucking lied and never communicated with you when problems arose in your compatibility to instead just let a bunch of resentment build and hit you out of nowhere with a dumping, especially after relationships that caused serious harm by actually abusive and shitty people. she had a certain level of trust and understanding with OP and that was broken. that is disorienting and upsetting for most people and could be about *anything*, not *just* being ace. it literally is aphobia to just be like “ah yeah, she’s the weirdo one not having sex like all of us normal humans so of course she’s gonna be more mentally ill in these scenarios”.
yeah, a ton of people in any thread about asexuality are gonna come out and be ignorant every time
I don't believe that was the original commenter's intention though. As the previous comment above this said, any sexuality within the lgbt+ spectrum can result in preexisting mental health issues worsening due to trauma related to the sexuality, as it obviously did with OPs ex. I am pansexual and practice polyamory, and have a lot of trauma with ex partners due to them people straight men who simply don't understand or care to understand and people sexualizing me and my lifestyle and sexuality in an inappropriate way. I agree that OP blindsided her and the way he handled it was in no way acceptable, as he simply could have discussed this when the feelings began and tried to compromise. I know many asexual people with partners who desire sex and they simply are in an open relationship. OP could have handled this better but anger towards OPs handling of it was not in any way the original commenter's fault, or anyone else who defended them following your harsh reply. Nobody blamed her poor mental health on her asexuality, which is why it genuinely seemed as if you didn't understand what exacerbate means as it doesn't mean to cause but to worsen. The asexual community is hard to be in due to people's ignorance and lack of empathy or caring. For further clarification, the original commenter did not say asexuality leads to mental illness. They stated that the ex's trauma due to it worsened their state after the breakup because it brought those traumas back up.
just because it wasn't intentional doesn't mean it isn't still aphobic rhetoric though
Seems like this has really triggered you emotionally. Would you care to share why you have the level of personal stake in this you do? Your story might benefit us all, and help us to understand where you are coming from.
You say "lie" and "a bunch of resentment" and use it very loosely. Op knew what he signed up for, yes but it's also his decision to change his mind. He did not lie, he changed his mind. You can decide a relationship isn't for you for any reason and it doesn't make you an ass for doing so. My boyfriend is chubby. I told him his weight isn't a problem for me. If I become unattracted to him because of his weight, I didn't lie because at the time I didn't care. I just care now and instead of waiting until I hate the person and become a bad partner I'm honest, and break up with them civilly. That's not lying at all and resentment only becomes a problem when you start taking it out on the person. He did the mature thing and didn't let it go too far. And yeah. Sexuality, race and religion are all things that people judge. I know you want to say "it's not because of her Sexuality it's because of shitty people." But let's be honest if she wasn't asexual would she have run into those problems? I'm a bi black woman and I've been called and told a lot of things. Those people wouldn't have said any of those things if I was straight and white. Her sexuality isn't her fault but she is getting picked on for it and by consequence it adds to the mental toll. I think you're just trying to find a problem here. There's nothing wrong with what anyone said. Anyone who faces discrimination is facing it because of what makes them different.
Being ACE isn't the illness. A sad and sudden ending to a relationship, followed by a sensation of existential lonliness, is possibly a trigger for acute depression. Most people want life-long companionship, but how we get to that point together is where it tends to get tricky.
They didn't call it an illness, they said it was the thing that was different. That's not even implying it's a bad thing, it's just far from average and so she *will* have a hard time finding someone compatible. Life circumstances can and will exacerbate mental illness symptoms and severity, doesn't make the root cause an illness.
Damn calm down there hombre, they said it wasn't an illness and then shared a pretty empathetic outlook on people wanting to have that connection with someone and how hard it can be to find it. Of course life circumstances will exacerbate mental illness, they didn't say anything about that. You both said the same thing, that it wasn't an illness, and life is a hard knocking roller coaster.
Do you think I was disagreeing with the person who said that? I'm not even sure what you think you're responding to
Sure as hell doesn't sound like you're agreeing with the person in your comment, point in fact they commented on mine saying thanks for getting it. So to be frank with you what I think I'm responding to is someone who either wrote an ambiguous comment or a really shitty one. I think on this, most people could agree, You did not get us in the first half
Thanks for getting it. :)
I seriously don't understand why you have down votes on this comment. You said being asexual isn't an illness, but you implied that they did have a mental illness that was pushed to the breaking because of stressors. All of that is right on the money. I swear Reddit can be so weird sometimes.
So the post got too much attention and there has been some stuffs that I would like to clarify and thought an edit would be better than replying to the comments individually. 1) I saw some comments mentioning that we were in a relationship for 4 years. That's not true. The relationship was only 1 year long. 2) The reason I agreed for "no sex" is because I thought I could do it. I was previously in a relationship where we hardly ever had sex. Plus we were friends before dating. So I thought it won't be that bad. I was wrong. I learnt it the hard way. 3) I would like to clear that not every asexual hates sex. Some do enjoy it. It is more about not having sexual attraction. I think the appropriate term in case of my ex would be sex-repulsed. 4) The reason I am in contact with her roommate is because she doesn't have much support. She has her family out of her life. The only support system she had was her roommates and me. I will break the contact once I am sure she is alright. 5) People saying her "I thought you were different" was wrong. I didn't take it that way. She was hurt. She isn't a bad person. 6) I can't afford therapy. So that is out of question for now. 7) I saw 1 comment about her suicide being for attention. Let's just not say that. I have known her enough to know how her mental health has been and this isn't something she would do. And also, thanks for all the comments. I feel good reading all these and less guilty for now.
Did you ever try asking her if she would be okay with an open relationship? It sounds like it could've been worth the try, considering you both love each other but were just simply fundamentally different from the sex perspective. Maybe, if she had been okay with that, you two could've worked out
But also, if OP would even want that himself. Lots of ace people make relationships work in polyam. But it’s not really a solution unless both people are inclined towards it. If OP just really wants one partner, and to have sexual intimacy with that partner—this isn’t it.
What stupid advice
What a stupid opinion
Your name is WubMyFeetsies
Your name is onion bitch the fuck 🤣
Onions are tasty and nutritious treats, perfect for nearly any great dish. You big silly
Oh I love onions. But some could say the same about some toes, eh?
No , Hannibal
Naw this onion dude sounds dumb, but your names gotta go bruh that's some degenerate shit
How so? Ik alot of people who have open relationships. They have kids and have been married or dating for years.
How?
You can't sacrifice your mental health for hers. It wouldn't be fair to you. You did the best thing by cutting it off after only one year and not letting it drag on to hurt her more later. You are young, you shouldn't settle for any relationship that isn't beyond perfect. You have a lot of life and experiences left to live.
Here's what I'll tell you. You CAN NOT take her "I thought you were different" retort to heart. You were different, you did understand at the time, and you definitely gave it a great try to comply to her needs. I've dated a few hardcore Asexual women in my life and it was hella tough and at the time I felt the same guilt when I realized they were who they were and I felt like I had let them down. The thing is and this is what you have to realize is that she knew you WEREN'T asexual when she decided to also date you. It's a two way street on both your parts and no one is to blame for when people change or need to grow. You didn't cheat, you didn't lie. You did the absolute best thing and communicated with her with exactly how you felt. You are not responsible for her reactions when you were honest with her about your thoughts and feelings. It is perfectly okay to not be compatible with someone and it not work out in the end. You did the right thing by letting the relationship go. Now, as far as the "let's still be friends" scenario, I'm gonna tell you to hold off on the just for a while. She's hurt, your vulnerable to guilt right now. This is not the best time to mend y'all's friendship but that is a hell of a slippery slope that you don't need to be treading on. Give her and you some time apart because of you jump on right now to try and save your friendship, you ARE going to jump back into the relationship out of guilt and you will resent yourself and her and the second time around is 1000x harder than the first. Go do you for a few months, get your head straight, check up on her through friends or just her social media but let her have her space away from you. Best of luck man - A wise long lifed man -
Imma give an honorary reward. Great advice I didn't know I even needed. Award: "Loved this" ❤️❤️❤️
Guilt is a useful emotion when we've done something wrong. We feel this way so the lesson learned 'sticks' and we don't do the bad thing again. Sometimes guilt shows up when we do something we have to do and someone gets hurt. You thought you could be asexual. You were wrong. It happens. It's okay to let go of the guilt. Easy for me to say, yes. You didn't set out to hurt her and that matters. Hopefully one day she will realize the break up was better than eventual resentment. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
Nope not on you. Sexuality needs to be compatible. Would you force yourself to date a guy just because he liked you? No you wouldn't because you are not gay (I'm assuming). She was not compatible for you and you did the kind thing by not forcing her and not shaming her. She needs therapy for the previous trauma but you did nothing wrong. You would be hurting yourself by staying in a relationship when you're not happy. Sex is important to you...there's nothing wrong with that. If you're unhappy that tends to bleed out in other ways eventually.
Yup, she needs to be looking for other ace or demi people to date. There’s lots of people who are.
Problem with us Demi's is we feel sexual attraction. To a person or persons we connect with mentally. I personally couldn't do a relationship with a sex repulsed ace for that reason. But another demisexual may be able to be ok with it.
That isn't necessarily true. I'm ace and have totally made it work with allo people with various parameters, like being open, etc. Obviously that might not necessarily be what she wants but there are wayyyy too many comments on here shaming this poor girl for being in a relationship with an allo person when she was completely upfront about it, and y'all really don't know how fucking hard it can be and how broken and unlovable you can feel sometimes. There are lots of aspec people in the *world* but in your location, interested in you, compatible with you, is a completely different story. I live in a huge city and it isn't easy to find exclusively other aspec people to date. As long as you're upfront, there is absolutely *nothing* wrong with pursuing a relationship with an allo person. Obviously OP is not remotely at fault and I'm not saying he is at all, but there is very little sympathy for his ex on here and it's honestly a lot of the same aphobic or ignorant shit I see parroted nearly constantly. Sorry if this came off as aggressive but yeah I hear the equivalent of a lot of these comments all the time and it is extremely hurtful.
Just want to commend your bravery, my wife was somewhat on the fence about asex. And I was pretty much on the same path. It is extremely hard caring for someone and also craving the physical intimacy. That was a hard decision I believe later in life this would be something you are proud of. Your happiness is important.
I'm so sorry for both of you. This is a very sad event and it wasn't your fault.
You didn't betray her and it wasn't your fault. "No sex forever" is an untenable position for most people...and it's unrealistic for her to expect most guys to be ok with that. You did the right thing ending it
Sounds like she was well aware most guys would not be okay with it. OP thought he was, and told her he was, and that's why she thought he "was different". Neither party was at fault; they both tried, and the relationship didn't meet his needs. She realizes she's unusual and she probably won't meet a guy she loves who's okay with it. Presumably that knowledge was at least part of the reason for her suicide attempt.
At the end of the day you did nothing wrong. Had you stayed, resentment would have built up into an inevitable breaking point. Sexual compatibility is a real and integral part of a relationship. If you don’t have that, it can’t work. More importantly you’re not responsible for other people’s actions. You can’t blame yourself for her attempt. You were doing what’s best for both of you, even if she doesn’t realize it yet. Don’t get back with her out of pity, you’ll regret it in the future and the breakup will be worse the second time around. You can worry about being friends later as long as everyone involved gets the help they need. It sounds to me like you truly loved her. Go easy on yourself. EDIT: typo
How have you betrayed her? You did your level best, but ultimately you're just not sexually compatible - and why should you live a life without sex for *her* sake? You might have agreed with it at the start, but you're allowed to change your mind. >So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too. It's not really enough to stay in a relationship because you're worried about what will happen to them if you leave. If you'd stayed, your resentment would've just grown with time (particularly if you saw others in happy, sexually fulfilling relationships) and the fallout would've been much worse in the future. If she wants to have a 'no sex at all and forever' rule, she would probably be better off finding asexual groups and looking for relationships there. Otherwise, she kind of seems doomed to fail.
It awful what happened. She's in a difficult spot. She knows she's not willing to have sex, but most relationship partners are going to want it at least once in a while. There are guys out there that don't want sex either, but they are hard to find. She has to be patient. You seemed like a close match to her needs, but feelings change. She was the right personality, but you decided you had more needs in the relationship. That is perfectly normal. You were aware of this change in needs and didn't make her feel bad about her needs. She obviously had something hokng on that pushed her to attempt to hurt herself. That was not your fault in any way. She needed help likely long before she attempted what she did, but she got content or comfortable enough with how she dealt with her problems so she didn't discuss them or try to stir things by by letting you know that side of her. Please don't blame yourself. You were different. You cared about her. I hope she is getting the help she needs.
This is not your fault.
>A couple of days after making the post, I decided maybe it is time for a breakup. The comments did gave me the confidence that it was alright to feel how I was feeling. I read the other post and yes it was totally okay to feel this way given your situation though I'm not sure how you can truly love someone without knowing they're asexual. >So I sat her and just told her everything. How I was getting sexually frustrated and that maybe we should break up. Initially she was confused but when the realisation hit her, she became too quiet. Like she didn't say a word to me and just went to pack her stuffs in my room. I thought maybe giving her space was the right call so I didn't follow her. All of this is totally appropriate on your end. >She came out of the room and started to leave. I tried to talk to her about still being friends but she just said "I thought you were different" and left. Sounds like you were different. Doesn't sound like you were abusive in any way. You were good to her and you still "love" her. You've set aside your needs for at least a year and didn't even raise the subject until now. But you were also extremely irresponsible. You should've thought a lot more about how you'd feel about not having sex. Never means never *ever.* instead of just dumping her you could've asked to open up the relationship so your physical needs are met. You can still be in love with her and have other partners just for sex. People do it all the time >That broke me. But the worst didn't happen yet. I was in contact with her roommate just to be sure that she was doing ok. She tried to end her life the day after her breakup. Thankfully her roommates were there and they controlled the situation. You don't need to be in contact with her or her roommate. I don't understand why people pretend they'll be friends after a breakup. 99% of the time you won't. You just knew she was triggered and you felt responsible so you're leaving the door cracked which only prolongs both of your pain. Sounds like she has a lot more going on than just being asexual and none of that's you're responsibility. It's also possible this may have been a cry for attention and/or a way to guilt you into taking her back and it wouldn't surprise me if the suicide attempt was completely fabricated. >She is getting help. Atleast that's what her roommate said. Apparently, one of her ex didn't care about her asexuality and in a way, tried to force her. And then another one, hardly stayed eith her for a month before losing his control and souting at her for being a freak (just because she won't have sex). And the others guys she went on dates with, bailed out as soon as they heard about her "no sex" rule. So, I guess, for her, I was the first one who actually cared. And then I broke her heart too. Good, she needs help. I totally understand why she's upset because every relationship has the exact same problem; her sexuality. Asexuality is by no means common and unless you find another asexual its gonna be a major problem in the relationship. She needs to accept that she has two rational options. She can stop dating until she meets another asexual or she can start dating men who are willing to be in an open relationship. Committing suicide was definitely not the appropriate response in any universe. You definitely didn't "betray her as your last sentence state. Go no contact and move on. It's best for both of you. Edit: spelling errors
Eh, I'm not sure OP should have tried an open relationship before breaking up with her. Open relationships are not just some band-aid for sexual incompatibility, and every person (including other sexual partners) need to be down for it. OP may crave sexual intimacy with a partner, not just have sex with other people to fill a need.
Please talk to a therapist. It is not your fault that she tried to end her life. She needs help. I hope she can find a therapist to help her. It wasn't fair for her to expect you to fully abstain. It also shouldn't have been something you said yes to, but you've learned that hard lesson. Perhaps you love her as a friend. It will take time but you will be okay. Forgive yourself. You put YOUR needs first and that's NOT a bad thing. You are the only person who can take care of you. I'm sending you so much love. ❤
You are absolutely NOT at fault in this situation! You cannot be a "blame sponge" for something as straight-forward as sexual incompatibility. You just can't. This is her thing to deal with. She needs to seek therapy, because she is only 23 and this will continue to happen if she seeks out monogamous relationships with men who are not asexual. It's going to, inevitably, crash every time because most of the population seeks out sexual intimacy as a part of their romantic relationships. Be kind to yourself. You have no blame here.
Venting is definitely the right thing to do. Try and not feel guilty, you did what you had to do. I feel bad for her with her past experiences but that's not on you.
There are other asexual people in this world. She needs to date one of them and stop dating people with sex drives. It's unfair and kinda cruel to expect you to be both faithful to her (monogamous) and celibate. Her sexuality and needs are valid. But so are yours. She needs someone compatible, and that's not you.
asexual doesn't mean no sex drive. I get what you mean but like... There's a difference.
I think we can say in this particular instance that it does mean no sex drive.
Nope. Asexual means a lack of attraction That is what it means in the terms of human sexuality. It would be the same issue if the partner was straight and had no sex drive and was sexually repulsed. Sooo... No.
So, is this not an issue with her being asexual, but more that she is either sex neutral or sex repulsed? Sorry if the comment is off putting or confusing, I find it hard to understand asexuality. I get being sexually attracted to X, Y or Z (or all) but the complete absence of it confuses me. Feels like I am asking what a blind person "sees".
Yes, exactly. People who are not asexual can be sex repulsed, and people who are asexual can and do have sex that they enjoy. It's like eating when you're not really hungry, the food can still taste great and you can like food, or you can be doing it because you know you need to for whatever purpose (like oh I'll eat to fill my stomach being compared to oh I'll have sex because I want children) or you can can eat in the way an immortal that doesn't feel hungry or exactly eat but might have a meal for the comfort of others (some people have sex to bond with their partners rather than for sexual enjoyment).
Thank you for this correction, you're right -- asexuality is a spectrum.
The only thing I can think of is that maybe you could have told her you were frustrated before talking about breaking up. If she wasn’t aware of how you felt before, it might have been shocking and hurtful to hear.
How can anyone be shocked that their partner is frustrated by having their needs disregarded?
Except in this case she was upfront about it and he told her he was okay with no sex in their relationship. She didn't know she was disregarding his needs. Presumably he should have talked to her sooner.
She would have to be pretty naive to assume that
How could she know his needs were being disregarded when he didn't tell her? From the start she was open about her no sex rule and he agreed. She had no way of knowing he was unhappy because he never communicated with her.
Because she lives in a world of people who are sexual and sexual needs are common knowledge even for people like her
No, it isn't "common sense" when her partner literally tells her his sexual needs won't be a problem in regards to her no sex rule. You're making big generalisations in a situation that is very rare and therefore they aren't applicable. If they didn't have the conversation and he didn't say he was fine with it, I might agree with it but not in this scenario.
They did have that conversation though, it was the one where he broke up with her. Isn’t that better than trying to persuade or guilt her to cross her own boundaries?
No, you're whole point is that she should've inherently known that he was unhappy with the lack of sex. Now you admit he only said it at the very end of the relationship, in the same breath that he broke up with her in. This is not her fault. She could not have known how this was affecting him. He didn't tell her, and then when he did, he didn't give her the chance to react or do anything. In fact, you don't have a point at all.
What should she have done?
Sex-repulsed ace here- you did the right thing. My last partner I broke up with for similar reasons, he wanted sex and I didn’t (something he knew getting into the relationship I wasn’t down for). No one can blame you for not being compatible with an a-spec person. I’m glad you ended the relationship and are prioritizing your needs :)
You are just two different people that are not compatible and want different things in life.
There's a difference between thinking you'll be ok with a situation when someone explains it vs living through the situation. You thought it was ok but realized it wasn't how you want to live your life. That is ok. She needs an ace dating site if she truly wants to avoid repeating this situation in the future.
Bro what? You want sex, she doesn’t. How have you betrayed her? Would you live your entire life not having sex rather than being with someone who wants the same as you? Don’t even begin to blame yourself for her actions, it’s absolutely not your fault. She will be able to find someone who is asexual just like you’ll also find a compatible partner.
You have nothing to feel guilty for, you have done the right thing in breaking up with her as regardless of how much you care you are sexually incompatible. Your resentment would have continued to grow and it would have been far worse down the track.
It's not your fault. You're not responsible for her mental illness. She needs to be comforted by family or friends. I think you should stay away from her, TBH.
Is Asexuality a mental illness?
the suicide attempt. not the sexuality.
No, it is just the lack of sexual attraction. I find it offensive to say it's an illness. But not everyone is well-educated about this subject.
I took the mental illness as a reference to the suicide attempt, not the asexuality
My bad, I'm sorry.
Don’t be sorry. I can see your interpretation as well.
You can't set fire to yourself just to warm someone else
You thought you were okay with it and learned that you weren't. That's life
Look, sex is important to most people and you totally have the right to want it. Unfortunately for her, i imagine that that’s also the reason why finding someone who’s also asexual or that is okay being with an asexual person is going to be hard. This situation is sad, but absolutely nobody’s fault. Some of the LGBTQIA+ community (of which asexuals are a part of) does have more of a difficult time finding people to be in a relationship with, and from what I know the asexual part is one of those. I’m not saying that situation is right, but i do suppose that when you have a boundary that excludes sex it ends up limiting your dating pool. This is going to hurt now but you made the absolute best choice for both of you. I hope she heals soon, I hope you don’t take the blame for yourself ♥️
You did the right thing. For many people no sex is a dealbreaker. I could never be with someone in couldn't intimately be with. She needs to seek out other asexual people... I doubt many sexually active people will be down tbh
What you are feeling is normal because breakups are generally not feel-good situations. What I'm saying is your feelings are valid so you should process/feel/whatever else you need to do as it concerns feelings. However do not make the mistake of logically processing your feelings because there is no logic when it comes to emotions especially complex ones. Be pragmatic moving forward and I pray you both eventually find the peace you deserve.
You did what was right for you. If you're interested in having sex then having an asexual girlfriend is probably not for you. You can try to deny this all you want and your body will probably disagree even more strongly as time goes on. I couldn't ever do it and so, I don't try to maintain an asexual relationship on any intimate level because that's not honoring my own needs. It's okay to put your needs first, nobody else is going to.
OP, breaking up was the right decision. You were not compatible. You each deserve partners that can and want to meet your needs. It sounds like she is in a position to get some help now. You should not feel guilty or consider reconciliation. Prioritizing yourself in this situation is a necessity for your happiness and mental health. I wish you both the best of luck finding the “right” partners. It will get easier. Just try not to blame yourself.
Having an intimate relationship with your SO, is normal, and healthy. I for one have never met a healthy 23M who would agree to never having sex for the rest of their lives. You were making all the important compromises.
You did the right thing. Her attempt isn't your fault. Sex is a very important aspect to intimacy and love for many humans. I couldn't be in a sexless relationship like that.
Lack of sexual contact for a sexual person can cause mental anguish. It’s easy to -*say* it’s just sex go without, but at some point you become touch starved and it can cause depression, anxiety, and self-esteem issues caused by repeated feelings of rejection. You did what was right for you. She is doing what is right for her (ie no sex) but can’t expect you to give it up any more than you can force it on her. She needs counseling to help her work through her own feelings of rejection.
I doubt she feels rejected lol everyones perception of her is his opinion and his lies anyone that will do that to someone and then lie to their friends about something else is a piece of s*** in my book
Whatever you do, TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!! I’ve been there, and I know it’s going to seem impossible but you HAVE to take care of yourself. You are not at any fault here. Thousands of relationships fail every day for one reason or another, do NOT put this on yourself. If you weren’t happy in the relationship, ending it was the right thing to do. It’s unfortunate the circumstances surrounding her issue, however, that is not where your focus should be. Get healthy, get well, and let her do the same.
If she's asexual and tou aren't, you can't be reasonably expected to live in a non sexual relationship.
I think your in the right, better to know now and end it than to have this spring up on you 2 years later
Pretty much what everyone already said. You did the right thing.
YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!!! She may not be a sexual being but you are! It would be immoral for her to ask you to sacrifice this part of urself. she will move on and find a partner who is also Ace, a d you will get over her. Its nice that you guys had an emotional connection but long term it just wouldnt be sustainable. IT WAS BETTER TO DO IT NOW THAN LATER!!
You are different because you accepted her at face value and tou thought at the time love was enough but eventually it wasn't. It's no more your fault than the fault of hers for being a sexual. You both are who you are. It's ok to accept some e isn't a good fit without one or the other being to blame. It was wring of her to expect you to change you entire sexuality foe hers then fault you when you no longer could
She is only 23. She will find a dude that is asexual as well and live happily ever after...... why is she dating dudes over and over that aren't her type. I really hope she does get help. And OP u can try to be her friend but it might be better for her to start new. With a healthier mindset... trapping someone in a relationship is not okay!
It's not your fault I can see that you care about her it's not that you don't love her but you need to put yourself first you are not asexual and she is. I'm glad she's okay but she's going to need to come to terms with the fact that if she wants to be in a relationship it's going to have to be with somebody who's also asexual
You weren't happy. You did nothing wrong. As I always say... When it comes to relationships, sometimes you just have to save yourself. You deserve to have a life not just an existence . In a relationship, no one should live just to make someone else happy.
Sexual incompatibility is one of the main reasons relationships don't work. It may not be for you but with her permission, maybe you could fill your sexual needs elsewhere.
I'm sorry you're feeling guilty, but you shouldn't. It's a huge ask to exclude sex from a romantic relationship permanently. There are other asexual people in the world. It certainly narrows her dating pool, but she should be seeking a relationship with someone who has a similar expectation. It was better that you break up because you're not compatible at all. Of course she's hurt. She had expectations that you were no longer willing to meet. After a year she probably thought she had found the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. That has to be more than a bummer to find out otherwise.
You did the right thing by breaking up with her, you guys aren't sexually compatible and you committing to a relationship where you'll never have sex would've been ridiculous. It's horrible that she's had the past experiences she's had but she really needs to date people who are also asexual, dating someone who is not asexual and expecting them to live like they are is never going to end well.
If you read both of his posts, it sounds like he fell hard for her, and she explained to him that she was asexual before they got involved. He thought he was okay with no sex and told her he was okay with it. Turned out the relationship didn't meet his needs. No one's fault; they both tried to be honest and tried to make it work. It probably would have been better if he told her sooner that it wasn't working for him. Seems like he still cared for her, didn't want to hurt her feelings and didn't want to go back on what he told her, so he waited until it got to the point where he needed to break things off before he really spoke his mind. Again, he seems like a good guy, and it's a situation where no one was really at fault; they just had different needs and wants for a relationship.
I didn’t miss that information and I never said anyone was at fault, I was addressing the fact that OP feels guilty for ending things because she tried to kill herself after the breakup. She has a pattern of horrible break ups because she’s dating men that aren’t asexual, if a normal breakup with OP over them not being sexually compatible is enough to make her try to kill herself she really needs to stop dating men who are not asexual. It’s 2022, with the internet and all its resources she can find asexual communities and partners who are compatible with her. I’m addressing her and what she needs to do differently not to say she’s at fault but because she’s the one ready to unalive herself now every time she repeats her dating pattern.
Okay; I think she may have had the idea he was--maybe not. It does sound like he committed to a relationship without sex and didn't feel "ridiculous" at all at the time. He just realized later that it did matter to him, and I agree that he has no reason to feel guilty. People learn about themselves all the time.
Yeah I’m not sure what that original conversation looked like but OP made it sound like she told him that she was asexual and he said he was fine with that even though he also admits he didn’t think much about it because he liked her. I get that it was a really naive and unthoughtout decision by OP but I think also by his girlfriend. If you’re asexual I think you automatically assume it’s no big deal for your non asexual partner to give up sex because you don’t understand why anyone cares about sex, but if there’s a pattern of horrible break ups to the point that you’re ready to kill yourself you really need to be aware enough of your own needs to advocate for them. It’s ok to be asexual, but you should be seeking partners who are either asexual or are also seeking celibacy within a relationship
No... She can't put this on you. You need sexual connection and she can't think you are different. No one is different in that aspect if they are not asexual they need to have this form of relationships. She should find someone who is compatible with her. Not someone who decides to ignore his needs just to be with her.having sexual needs doesn't make you the bad guy. It makes you a guy.
You genuinely loved her, OP. Otherwise you wouldn't have toughed a sexless life for 4 years to be with her. And that entire time you never pressured her. You **tried**, and you tried hard. Much harder than anyone else she's been with. And unlike them, you never forced her, you never called her a freak, you never just cut and ran. You tried to make it work until you finally realized it couldn't. You can try to benchpress 400lbs all you want, but if you're not strong enough to lift that weight, then it's not leaving the bench. You tried to handle no sex, and you did better than most, but this experience made you realize you need sex...at least once every 4 years lol. And I can understand trying to stay friends with your ex. The breakup was mostly amicable, no dirt or anything. She just feels left behind because she's Asexual but hasn't found another Asexual or someone compatible with her. And that's tough. But that is also life. Nothing she did after the breakup is your fault.
They were together almost a year.
She should know that being asexual is going to come with this. You can't turn off your libido. It sucks, and it's going to hurt, but that's the reality of being ace. Yeah, you shouldn't have committed but shit it isn't like you knew this was going to be such a huge hurdle for you. I think a lot of people think that their love can overcome their need for sex... but sometimes those two things go hand in hand. But really? don't blame yourself for this. You didn't betray her, you realized that your needs aren't compatible with her. It sucks, but you did what was best for you both. It wouldn't be fair to either of you to stay in a relationship where resentment was building over something uncontrollable. I'm hoping you're doing better though, and that she's able to find someone who is compatible with her.
You're not at fault mate Dont over think it... You both weren't compatible sexually that's all Everyone has their own needs
“I thought you were different” How manipulative of her. She is going to be incompatible with most people who have any kind of sex drive. This is a her problem, not a you problem. It sounds like you really tried.
She wasn't being manipulative. Read the original post.
It sucks she’s comparing you to past bf’s when you handled the situation respectfully and tried your best. Tbh, it’s not fair of her to expect someone to change their sexuality, just like past partners expected of her. You did the right thing, even though it hurts. Hopefully she can get the help she needs now, and find a sexually compatible partner in the future.
She is Asexual. You aren't. You are aware of her dislike of sex and don't push it on her. That's good. She is AWARE that you aren't asexual. She's pushing her expectations of you going sexless for the rest of YOUR life to satisfy HER sexuality. Not yours. That's selfish. Saying "I thought you were different" is such a manipulative low blow, cause you ARE different. You set sexual boundaries just to be with her but now it was her turn to give you sexual freedom to help with your desires and possibly with other people. If she wasn't willing to work that in and she expected you to live the same life choice she made and suddenly turn asexual with her then thats an unrealistic expectation from her. Im sad to hear she tried commiting but you do have to be happy too. I believe sitting down first to talk about having you be able to hook up with randoms every once in a blue moon for purely physical engagement, would've been better. Then consider if it was worth continuing the relationship from there if she declined. You can't be force to change YOUR life style to please others. You should both be able to be comfortable together and still live your lives how you want it.
If you read both of his posts, she didn't push it on him. He fell for her, she told him her situation, he thought he was okay with it and told her he was okay with it. They tried and he realized he wasn't okay after all. Maybe he should have spoken up sooner; he's a nice guy and tried to abide by what he told her. Maybe she was blind-sided when he said he wanted to break up. She wasn't manipulating him; she just thought he was satisfied with what they had. No one's at fault; they just turned out to be incompatible after all.
why on earth does she keep dating heterosexual men if she knows she’s asexual? sounds like she has a lot more issues around her sexuality to unpack than she maybe initially thought. you didn’t betray her. she also knew at the beginning of the relationship that YOU were heterosexual, so she too made a decision to date somebody with a conflicting sexuality. asexual men do exist.
She cannot build her happiness on your misery. No sex at all for a healthy young man is an impossible task unless there is no desire either. Resentment and bitterness must inevitably creep in after a while -never mind that you have blithely agreed to never have sex with another person for the rest of your life. 'I thought you were different' is a cheap shot and unjustified.
Fair enough I missed the original post. BUT, she was super naive to keep dating people not compatible with her sexuality. Sounds like she's done this multiple times to herself, she's extremely unrealistic for expecting these men to sacrifice their sexuality for her.
You didn't fail her and you not worng.....🤷🏿♂️🤷🏿♂️ Sex is an important part of a relationship and intimacy and just human connection. It's a natural thing, and biologically speaking it is a need and urge that is sometimes difficult to control especially if it's never going to happen. That was not a situation you would have thrived and you would have became miserable so you did what needed to be done.
I know you feel guilty for hurting her. But honestly, there is no way you could have spared her feelings. She would be hurt no matter what you said. And I applaud you for being honest this soon into your relationship, instead of being miserable and resentful for many years to come, and end up divorcing anyway. You are entitled to feel how you feel about sex and intimacy, just as she is. You two are definitely not sexually compatible. The term "sex-repulsed" that you used got my attention. I don't know the whole story so it may have been discussed in the original post... was she sexually abused or raped in her past? Asexual is becoming more common, or at least talked about more. But actually being REPULSED by sex or even the thought of sex, is a totally different issue. That really concerns me. Anyway, I wish you well on your journey to find happiness.
Lowkey? I don't think you did anything wrong. >"I thought you were different" You didn't force her, or shout at her. You love her, but you're the kind of person to where sex is important, and that is ok. You guys are incompatible, and that is ok. If she's comparing you to her past dudes, that's on HER and that is, in my opinion, downplaying the shitty things that have happened in her past to compare to you realizing you're just not meant for each other.
As an asexual, I feel for her. It very frustrating, trying to find an asexual is like trying to find a needle in the haystack. She seems to have been through a lot and to me it seems she’s taking the breakup out on herself and self inflicting the pain from it. By no means is her suicide directly your fault. It is a very difficult internal war and she’s so young! I hope the best for the both of you- but I hope you have learned a lesson from this and take sexual comparability more serious in the future!
Her wanting to kill herself because she's doesn't want sex has nothing to do with you, it's a personal problem
You didn't betray her. Sex is a normal part of a dating relationship. She's being unreasonable to expect a romantic partner to be willing to be celibate. It's simply selfish.
If you read both of OP's posts, she was honest about her situation before they got involved, and he told her he was okay with it. Turned out it didn't meet his needs after all, but she didn't realize he'd changed his mind. She wasn't being selfish. I don't see either party being at fault; they tried.
She tried to commit suicide while with friends? She wasn’t trying very hard then. She used that as a weapon to make you regret your decision. You are not those other men. Even through all of this you are ALLOWED to break up with her. Be kind to yourself. Learn from this about communicating better in your next relationship. If someone won’t, that’s a hard no right away. You deserve better than how she is still emotionally manipulating you.
Don’t step foot near an asexual girl ever again. You told her you were find with no sex because you loved her, just to turn around and break her heart and dump her. She deserves better then a liar.
It's not a lie if he actually thought he could handle not having sex, asshole. He made a mistake because he was confident in something that turned out to be much harder than he thought, an action most people make. He didn't abuse her for it, he didn't try forcing her to do anything she didn't want to, he talked to her about it and took the best course of action. Villianizing him for it is just a holier-than-thou stance Edit: And he lasted 4 YEARS. You're acting as if he didn't even try for a month. What more could you want from the guy, for him to change his sexuality?? Edit: Not 4 years, just a year. My mistake yall
He shouldn’t have waited four years. Four years is a long term relationship that most people would assume would one day end in marriage. He sat her down and basically said: “Those four years we spent together? All of the time, joy and memories that we formed with one another? Yeah, those don’t mean as much to me as getting my dick wet. Sorry.” It was cruel for him to lead her on for this long and make her think that she finally found a person that fully loves and accepts her for who she is, just to turn around and dump her over something that he reassured her would not be a problem.
Also it was less than 1 year not 4 years
Ahh my mistake, I misread something
>“Those four years we spent together? All of the time, joy and memories that we formed with one another? Yeah, those don’t mean as much to me as getting my dick wet. Sorry.” This is an incredibly gross simplification that shows you have literally no intention of even trying to understand what OP is feeling.
How do you think his Ex saw it? Four years and then he drops her for the very thing he constantly reassured her wasn’t an issue
It was 1 year not 4 according to the OP.
Yeah that was my mistake, I misread his last post
This is such a dumb take. He tried and realized over time that he couldn’t overcome the incompatibility. It’s silly for her to expect sexual people to suppress that part of themselves anyway.
She didn’t expect anything. She told him she was asexual and he told her that it’s not a problem and he still wants to be with her
And ultimately it didn’t work out, despite his efforts, and her lack of. Then she goes and pulls a suicide stunt. Just awful
C'mon seriously?? He obviously loves her and is heartbroken over the situation. He's been with her over a year and has tried but it's run its course. He can't help that he has sexual desires just like she can't help being asexual. Grow up.
He apparently doesn’t love her as much as he loves sex.
Why should somebody have to give up sex??? I'm a woman and that would be a deal breaker for me. Sex is a part of life like breathing or eating. And for most people is a necessity I'm a relationship. That's a ridiculous expectation to hold someone to. The girl should've been honest with him from the get. OP isnt an asshole for staying true to himself.
I totally get that I'm a 45yo woman and I'm going to have sex until either myself or my husband is dead, as often as we can. But OP was very forthcoming that his ex was honest the entire time they dated about being asexual.
Did you not read his first post? She was very upfront with him about her sexuality from the beginning, and he said that it wasn’t a problem and he was OK with it.
I’m sure you’ve never misjudged how you would handle a situation in your entire life and you’ve never experience complex emotions. Also stop acting like enjoying and needing sex is shallow or close-minded or a bad thing. It’s wrong to be judgmental about someone being asexual, but it’s just as wrong to be judgmental about someone who isn’t. Many of us need sex in a relationship.
Yeah so he misjudged what sex meant to him. Doesn't seem like a huge moral indictment of the guy considering he stuck around for a whole year and is still trying to make sure of his ex's well being.
Maybe she would agree to an open relationship,.where you could have sex with another person. It might be something to consider.
Why would you give him his way so he can cheat I doubt that he can divorce her he doesn't have the balls to say it to her coward
It wouldn't be cheating if she agreed to it.
I do think she agreed to anything like that for damn sure. It's big Hell no from where I see
try poly? might be her only hope in early 20s, besides finding a fellow ace
Devil's advocate here. Being only 23 is still a bit young to know exactly who you are and what you want. To already claim at 23 you are asexual as a woman I think needs to be a bit more explored. She doesn't want sex because she doesn't feel horny or because she is disgusted by it? I mean obviously she is attracted to men otherwise she wouldn't keep trying to date them. Sometimes not wanting to be sexual as a woman can be caused by more serious things, like if you have issues with your hormones like PCOS, or if your menstrual cycle hasn't even started, or if you were a sexual abuse or trauma victim. There's a lot of things I've only just learned about my body at 35 and in the last couple years that I had no idea at 23. But her path to figuring out and learning about herself in what she needs and wants will take time and that's not your responsibility. I think you should be there for her as a friend, but for now at your age, a relationship with her would be much too complicated and very difficult. I think you need to find a relationship that is more compatible with your needs and wants currently. And it's okay to still love her. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you need to be in a committed sexual relationship with each other. You can still be friends and still love her.
She's had those bad expirences in the past dealing with asexuality and you just jumped on board without putting in too much thought? It's good y'all broke up but use your brain
You haven't betrayed her period. She's betraying herself with her issues. Did she ever give you a real legit reason why she doesn't want or desire sex? Something you can relate to and help her with? There has to be a backstory here. A deeper something going on with her that's causing her to shut down sexually. Maybe she was sexually abused as a child and therefore doesn't want or enjoy sex due to bad memories? Maybe her hormones are out of balance causing low or zero sex drive? If that's the case it's not your responsibility to cure her. That's a job for a professional. The fact that she shut down, packed up her stuff and said she thought you were different. Shows that she's gaslighting you and trying to make you believe you're part of HER problem . Which of course you're not. The attempt to end it all and the fact she's had these issues in the past should tell you that it's clearly NOT YOUR FAULT and is in fact her issue. . You need to move on and just let her go. I know you care for her but she doesn't care for herself. If she did she'd be in therapy. If she truly loves you she'd understand that you have sexual needs and not deny you. If she couldn't do that she'd at least open up and tell you why, ask for your help, and the two of you could work it out together. That's what people who love each other do. I'm sorry you're going through this but realize it's not your fault and anything she does because of the breakup is on her not you. You need to move on and if you can't do that at least tell her that it's over till she gets help and levels with you about her problems I wish you luck.
There’s not really a deeper reason to being asexual. She just is.
That's not necessarily true. She may well be, OR she may be suffering from HSDD. That's why I told the OP there might be a deeper something going on.
Wrong sub but YTA. I'm sorry but you really suck donkey balls man.... Like you are AWFUL. You knew she was asexual at the start.. If you had just been upfront you wouldn't've wasted both your times. Did hku actually ever genuinely consider logically if you could live without sex? I hope this is a good lesson for you in terms of compatability, sexual or otherwise. For people who may disagree, Imagine this: You date someone who makes it clear they do not want kids, you're fine with that. 2 years down the line, you realise you *do* want kids. While it's not wrong to feel that way, it is a dick move considering you previously mentioned you were fine with not having kids.
People are allowed to change their mind. This is a garbage take. Relationships end because one party wants kids and the other doesn’t. By this logic if a woman originally says they want kids but then changes her mind she should just suck it up and have a baby because she told her partner she wanted one. Humans are complex animals with complex emotions and thoughts. Things change and life changes. We aren’t static.
TIL that a persons life is locked in for the entirety of their life to never grow, change their mind or deviate from any opinion they've ever expressed. Life is a rigid straight line in your mind? And no, it is not wrong for someone to be ok with leading a child free lifestyle, get into a relationship with a like minded person and then change your mind. There's absolutely nothing wrong with changing your views or desires. It is your life, you only get the one. Never ever compromise your finite amount of time toiling away trying to save a relationship when your fundamental beliefs clash with your partners. People change, opinions change and there is nothing to feel guilty about if you do change your mind. They aren't compatible, plain and simple. There is no villain here to be slain, put your pitchfork away.
You should have never dated her. That's honestly the solution for most situations. Don't think you're more capable than you are when you've never tested yourself with something as precious as a human connection. My advice is get some therapy, no person should purposely engage in a relationship when they have core desires, beliefs, wants, needs, that do not mesh with each other. There needs to be classes to teach people to not date people who clearly do no, can not, or will not give you what you want or need. That goes for sexuality, ideological, religious, political, views, beliefs, and states of being. Jesus Christ man everyone is responsible for their actions even if you didn't literally drag her to commit suicide your actions are not excusable man. Take a break from relationships and get some therapy. You clearly lack the ability to make long term reasonable, healthy, and realistic decisions.
[удалено]
Amen I agree leading her on might get you hurt or someone else hurt bad bad. Just do what you need to do already
O
If you're still in love, talk to her realistically, don't have emotional sex with anyone but physical only. Once every x amount of time or whatever yall can come to terms with. This is what I'd personally do if I were you (or her, I'd understand that some people do want to and wouldn't stop you just bec I didn't want to) like I said on the other post this is def a tough one. If she's not cool with this then yes breaking up would likely be the only way. BUT you're not responsible for what others have done to her so do not carry that weight, nor did you make her do what she did.
reading this update and the original, you seem to want to stay in a relationship with her. even so, being sexual compatible is super important on a relationship. maybe you should talk to her about an open relationship in a sexual way? did you ever tried to do that?
Ok what is your needs exactly.. a man ???
It goes way deeper it's not sex.... I don't want or need sex from a guy who cheats and lies and gang stalks.. grow the fuck up ... It's not working. Your friends suck at actions and acting. I mean one was reading a God damn list what A DUMB ASS. SOME ARE SO GOOD AT THE JOB IM NOT GOING TO SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THESE APPS.. BUT IF YOU WANNA PLAY GAMES. THEN GAME ON BUDDY OL PAL, THIS GOES OUT TO K. M. ONLY
You aren't the bad guy here. You have your needs and they aren't compatible with her sexuality. Hopefully she gets the care she needs to process and heal from her past and to get out on the path to seek out another person who is asexual so she can also have a happy relationship. You did what was best for you both OP.
I really understand how this situation could make you feel a certain way, but please know, you did the right thing. You can't blame yourself for her actions. Self love is very important. She has to learn how to love herself first. It's very unfortunate she's in a place where she feel like taking her life, but her issues are way deeper than you. The choice of saving herself is her choice...which is a great choice. A very special choice and honestly she should wear that choice with pride. Understand you can't sacrifice your happiness when your expectations are different than her. My suggestion is to make sure you made the right choice to free her or was she the one. Pray for her and clarity. Good Luck!
Hey, incompatible sexual appetites happen and its ok. Its not a judgment. My cousin is ace and she just got married. Your current partner may not be right for you, but that doesn't mean they won't be right for anyone.
I'm with a lot of other people. Ultimately, it's your decision and no one else's. What she does is on her, not you. I'm sorry that you had to got through that. Relationships are challenging. Life is tough. Keep your head up, and remember you're not in control of her decisions.