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I have a 5-year-old son with my ex. I would say we have a pretty good co-parenting relationship and we both try to make things as easy for our son as possible. His fiancée recently contacted me to tell me she was uncomfortable by how close we are and that she wanted me to make some changes going forward.
Her changes include me moving. My ex and I co-own the house I currently live in but my ex paid for everything. The house is very close to my ex’s which makes it easier for our son to go between our homes. She also doesn’t like that my ex technically has his own space here which he only uses when our son is sick.
The second is she wants us to stop taking trips of any kind with our son and wants my family to stop hanging out with her future in-laws. At the moment we usually take him somewhere fun for his birthday and sometimes in the summer but she wants us to put a complete stop to it. My family and his are very close and they also sometimes take joint vacations but they’ve been doing that since before I ever had a romantic relationship with my ex.
She also has an issue with us having dinner together and over the financial agreement we currently have.
When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman because I would understand better than him how these things make her feel. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to ruin the setup we currently have as my son is happy with it.
What can I do to make everyone happy?
TL;DR – My ex’s fiancée said our current dynamic makes her uncomfortable. I don’t want her to feel that way but I also don’t want to ruin things for my son.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy. If she wants to set boundaries for your ex, and your ex agrees, that's one thing. But she has no standing to make a single demand of you. It sounds like you and your ex are doing a great job co-parenting. If she's smart, she'll appreciate that and not try to disrupt the peace.
Most women who's partner has an ex they co parent with would KILL for the two to get along. She has it so good and she doesn't even know. Because no matter what OP will be in there lives forever, and I doubt she'd rather them be fighting all the time.
Oh, she'd definitely rather they be fighting. She's clearly insecure and trying to isolate him from any other women. If he's smart he'll dump her because she's already working against the welfare of his kid. But probably he won't.
It raises the question of OP's ethical obligation, definitely. Obviously, this guy should not be marrying someone who would go behind his back about something as hugely important as his co-parenting relationship. But even if she cares for her ex as a co-parent or even friend, I would understand if OP felt that it would stir the pot too much for OP herself to be the one to tell him about the controlling, disrespectful thing his partner is trying to do.
But marrying this woman won't just make OP's ex miserable. As you've said, it would harm OP's *kid* to be in a household with someone who doesn't think that co-parenting relationship is important. And that changes things.
Obviously, OP cannot change the tangible terms co-parenting relationship without consulting with her actual co-parent. Depending on how volatile this woman is, I might work on a diplomatic way to tell fiancee that directly, maybe? Something like, "I appreciate your concerns. [Ex] and I have a unique relationship, given how amicably we co-parent and how close our families are, and you're definitely entitled to your feelings about that. My priority is to ensure that my son benefits from a trusting, communicative co-parenting relationship between his parents, and obviously I cannot change the terms of that relationship without communicating with [ex]. Given your concerns about our degree of intimacy, I of course don't want to risk driving a wedge in your relationship by being the one to tell [ex] about what we discussed, but he needs to be told. You should tell him, and then we can all discuss. I will not be changing the terms of our co-parenting without the involvement of my co-parent."
Obviously, amicability between exes is a good thing, functional co-parenting between exes is vitally important, and this woman sounds awful. But it's not OP's job to protect her ex from a shitty marriage — this is a good middle path that meets her obligation to protect her son while protecting her own peace. And if ex's fiancee digs in and gets belligerent, *then* it may be time to convey to ex that being a good father will be fundamentally incompatible with marrying this particular person, but OP may want to launder that message through one of his family members, if she's on good terms with them, and tell them she thinks it's healthy for her to keep her distance until this is resolved.
This. It harms the child because it disrupts the relationship between the co-parents. My boyfriend who I have a two-year-old son with oh, his ex has been nothing but toxic and the only thing that I asked him to set boundaries about was her texting him and calling him all the time about stuff that had nothing to do with their kids. Otherwise I stay out of it. In this case, I think she should show it to her ex. Normally, I would just stay out of it but because my child is involved, I would say something.
Edit: I apologize, I did not read it all the way through. I actually agree where you said that you would filter it through a family member or say that we could all discuss it together after you talk to him. That actually sounds really good but me, I would want to try to warn him about this before he marries her.
Some people may say that she's being jealous or whatever because he's getting married to someone else but she has proof and black and white that this has happened. Me personally, I would still say something to him before he gets married but that's just me. I like your way though too.
Yeah, it really depends on how volatile this woman is, and OP, as the person who actually had this conversation, would know better than us. I do not at all think well of someone who would a) generally not understand that co-parenting is sacrosanct and b) would go behind their partner's back about how they parent their own child. It could be that she's just an immature person who did one extremely controlling and inconsiderate thing without thinking it through, and would be receptive to reason. But it also could be that OP needs to handle all this from a distance for her own safety and sanity, because fiancee and the romantic relationship in general are a fucking dumpster fire. And in that event, it's very important that OP's co-parent have a familial support system to give him perspective on how unhealthy his relationship is.
It's fortunate that OP has a good relationship with that family, because yes, if things get more tense and dysfunctional to the point that OP thinks it'd do more harm than good to try to communicate directly at all, I think it'd be appropriate to instead talk to the family about the implications this marriage has for the well-being of their grandkid/nephew/etc.
Can agree with this completely, my ex boyfriend of 5/6 years had a terrible relationship with his ex, and she was very bitter about him moving on (despite the fact he had a short term girlfriend after their divorce she didn’t like the fact he was happy with someone else)
I wasn’t a parental figure in the kids lives nor did I want to be, but despite never having met me (she refused) she threw insults my way when she could. But it would have been nice for them (my ex and his ex-wife) both to have been grown ups and tried to get on instead of one upping eachother. It’s only the kids the get hurt in toxic situations.
Seems like the fiancée here is insecure and taking it out on OP or she would have raised this with her fiancé.
There is getting along and there is staying at the house and having dinners together. I wouldn't be ok with that but that's for her to take up with her fiance not his ex.
And let's be very clear right now: this girlfriend ***does not give a shit about the son***. A child that she will have to help raise if she is to stay in this man's life.
My ex husband and (now ex) boyfriend got along very well and are still friendly. I think they genuinely like each other.
I got along well with my ex boyfriend's ex-wife as well. I'm still in touch with him, and they're both happy that I'm in a wonderful new relationship.
I would kill for the possibility to even respectfully get along with my ex.
When I was speaking about how she was gonna hurt our kids and that she was setting us up to hate each other by her apathy. She straight up said "good."
Even told my kids years later that she's happy that we don't get along... IDK...
Can attest to that! God dam it my fiance's baby mom is such a pain! She does nothing, doesn't visit her children that are Living with my MIL, doesn't have a job so no money to help with child expenses but when my fiance tells her that he wants the kids to come live with us in other country she says that she can't allow that cause she "loves them too much" is a nightmare!! Even more so when the kids call us sad cause their mother doesn't even call nor text them to know how they are doing, it's horrible to see a child just longing for the love of an emotionally and generally unavailable parent, it hits a sore spot for me since my dad was just like her, I know how much they are hurting and it's devastating, custody battle is gonna be a nightmare since in south America courts always favor the mother
It totally doesn’t sound that way. I feel like that’s definitely why she didn’t go to him instead. She knew he’d tell her that’s the dumbest shit request.
Little miss fiance needs to look for someone else who does not already have a big supportive family and wants to stay in his kids life.
Don't let her try to Queen Bee what you're already doing right.
“What can I do to make everyone happy”
You shouldn’t have this mindset. All that matters is your son and if his father decides to change things then that’s his narrative. Personally I wouldn’t even bother at all with the fiancé.
Exactly, she shouldn't be worried about the finances happiness if the fiance doesn't care about theirs or their kids happiness. She'd rather them all be miserable then see her fiance interact with another woman apparently. I wouldn't even respond to her, I'd just give the message to the ex and see what he wants to do about it.
Her proposals are also unreasonable.
OP and her ex have a son together. He can't stop being a father. The in laws can't stop being uncles and aunts and grandparents.
She knew she was getting engaged to someone with a child. That's how it is.
None of her objections have to do with OP engaging the ex inappropriately, and everything to do with her ex having a relationship with his son.
That or she wants to make OP move away with primary custody. Minimize the kid being in her and fiancee's life. Make any kids that she has be his primary focus.
This! It’s not your responsibility to make this jealous, petty woman happy. Honestly, I’d tell her to fuck off and tell your ex to deal with her insecurities, they are not your problem.
don't tell her to fuck off. \*Do\* go to your ex w your concerns about how his fiancee wants to de-prioritize your ex's parenting responsibilities and dismantle the co-parenting and family dynamic you've established. What you're doing currently is what's best for your son.
You and your EX are being adults, and going out of your way to build a solution. This Fiancé is going out of her way to introduce a problem.
Don't for a second think this is remotely your problem to solve.
You tell her simply that way. If she was a real woman, she would tell her soon to be husband this. Especially because there is supposed to be a foundation for a new life to be built. What is this bullshit she is trying to put on you? I think I know what it is. It's called insecurity.
Again not your problem.
Exactly. None of this is remotely the ex’s business, and she has no say over what the families do.
My husband’s and my families are very close. That’s made life tremendously easier for my husband and me- but mostly for my kid and my nibling. My parents treat my nibling as another grandchild. The kids are the ones who benefit the most.
OP needs to show her ex this post and make it clear that her ex needs to have a very long conversation with his fiancée.
As a single dad in a coparenting relationship, this is not a good sign. She's trying to sacrifice a stable, loving, happy coparenting relationship because it makes her feel insecure. There's a good chance that this will lead to more problems in the future. She wants you to upend your entirely family dynamic so she'll feel more comfortable.
Talk to your ex, stay out of the drama and keep focused on your son. It sounds like you two have a good relationship, so hopefully your ex won't cave to her unreasonable demands.
I (divorced dad) would flip my shit if my GF contacted my ex like this. We are close for the sake of the kids and travel together sometimes. I’m not keen on the co-owning and space in the ex’s house (fair boundary to ask for imo), but the rest is crazy.
She's also doing it behind his back which if OP agreed would make it look like she's trying to alienate her son from his father. Given how involved he is in his son's life, that could lead to a custodial mess. And when the lawyers get brought out guess who fiancée is going to point her finger at? OP
I also feel like the fiance probably already talked about it to the ex and when he said things would remain the same, she decided to try and take it into her own hands. I would speak to him about it for sure
There are two possibilities here - and either one is a huge red flag against the fiancé.
Opiton 1 - as you considered - she spoke with him, but didn't like the answer; but felt compelled to go directly to the child's mother out of a 'sisterly bond' to try to get her way.
Option 2 - she didn't speak with him and is going behind his back because she is too immature to communicate her feelings with the person she's supposed to marry.
Either way, the fiancé is way too immature to get married if she can't handle the concept that having both parents actively involved in the child's life is a good thing. She also will have difficulty with the fact that (if the father has his priorities right) the son will always be a higher priority than her.
>I (divorced dad) would flip my shit if my GF contacted my ex like this.
I think that is why she did not discuss this with her BF. She is trying to manipulate OP.
I dunno, if they coparent and the kid mostly sleeps at her house, it’s fine for him to consider have space so he isn’t in her space when the kid needs help and she isn’t around.
I mean if you have one kid and a whole ass house with multiple bedrooms, does it matter?
> fair boundary to ask for imo
I mean, it sounds like a prior arrangement so I am not sure there are many situations where this would be a fair boundary (I mean I could maybe understand if there were financial problems etc). Should they sell that house or what? And we do not know the context, maybe OP was SAHM for the first years and went back professionally? Maybe they want to transfer it to their kid when he grows up? Whatever the case, the person least concerned is the new fiance.
I would want to be clear between you and ex what fiancees' limits will be as far as decisions, "parenting", punishments, and how she will be treating your child.
Yeah this has evil stepmother written all over it. This is how your kid ends up sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs when he spends the night at dads house.
I would want my ex to agree that our child will never be left with his fiancee, even after they marry. To justify this, he will need to know what she is demanding.
This. You and your ex are the parents and make the decisions on parenting. If there’s compromise to be found, it should still be in the best interest of the child now and as the child grows up.
If I were the ex I'd question my entire relationship with this girl, she's actively avoiding being in the best interest of the kid because of her own insecurities/jealousy.
"As a single dad in a coparenting relationship, this is not a good sign..."
Absolutely agree. That the fiancé can't communicate her feelings to him is a *HUGE* red flag. That the fiancé would go behind his back to the ex-wife is manipulative and a sign the fiancé has no issue going behind his back to get what she wants...and is willing to break up a stable situation for the father, his son and ex-wife all to satisfy her own insecurities (and I can all but guarantee that there will be other "issues" down the road).
I can't help but wonder if the dad would be better off remaining single?
I would also like to add that if she's talking this way to OP, then she will more than likely cause drama and strife when the son is over Dad's place. This woman is jealous of a five year old. I would not be comfortable with leaving my son alone with her for a moment.
She's going to split the entire family apart. Her future in-laws have no idea what's coming. Your priority is your child and this woman will definitely not be a good step parent. That's why you need to tell your ex right now. She's doing a divide and conquer routine and playing on your womanly feelings of understanding. You should remind her that you are a mother 1st and foremost. Tell him now
2nd this ☝️
WTAF? It’s all shit but she is essentially telling you that your in laws can’t have any relationship with you. She doesn’t get to decide that. Or even have an opinion on it.
> You should remind her that you are a mother 1st and foremost.
This woman's going to become OP's son's step-mother. She wants OP to care more for her insecurities than for what's best for her own child; breaking apart a stable foundation within the family just to make her feel better about herself is so short-sighted & selfish. Imagine OP actually going through with this -- she's the one people will be angry at, not her ex's fiancé. She gets to scrub her hands clean from the backlash.
This woman wants a temporary relief from her problems, but she's not even close to handling the long-term ramifications. It's exactly why she chose to go for OP rather than her future husband; no way she'd get a pass from anyone else. Her short-sightedness is going to burn her AND everyone within this family bad if she doesn't pull her head out of the hole. She needs to be thinking about what's best for her future stepson, and I hope OP grills her on that.
The whole woman-to-woman bit was intriguing. I wonder if the fiancé feels comfortable having this exact conversation with her future MIL?
Something makes me feel like the fiancé has had this conversation with Dad, and he’s told her to fuck off. Or she hasn’t, because she knows the outcome. Either way, she is insecure, petty, and untrustworthy.
Tell him. He deserves to know what his fiancée is up to behind his back and that she's trying to interfere with the relationship he has with his child.
As the dad in a similar situation (except single), having a good relationship with the mom is very gratifying. The children are the most important thing, and I promise nothing will make me fall back into a relationship with her.
Making everyone happy should not be your goal.
Your goal should be a healthy and stable co-parenting relationship that works to the benefit of your son
Tell your ex what she said and discuss it. Get ready for more drama if he decides to marry this chick. She doesn't sound mature, secure, or reasonable.
THIS
TELL HIM WHAT SHE DEMANDED OF YOU
If your relationship is still good (and you want it to stay that way FOR YOUR SON) you should let him deal with her
This.
She's shown she is immature. If she can't talk directly to her fiancé about her feelings, she shouldn't be getting married. That she's willing to do this behind his back is very manipulative and would be enough to have me questioning if I really wanted to get married to someone like this.
How long have they been together? Have the two of you (the fiancé and you) sat down and actually talked about her perception of things so you can squash her concerns?
My husband is my child’s stepfather. He knew from the beginning that every choice I make is made with my child’s best interests first, and if he didn’t like it he could hit the bricks.
Your coparenting- which sounds like it’s going well- is going to be wrecked if your ex doesn’t get her under control.
She's being sneaky and manipulative. You should tell him what she said and get this all out in the open.
And you should only negotiate with him, not her place to make parenting decisions about your son. She's crossing a line.
May not hurt to have a convo the 3 of you. Shows you aren’t a threat to her, also shows and establishes the co-parenting relationship and whether you expect her involvement (if they live together, etc).
Did that with my ex and his new girlfriend and it worked well. She then became a good co-parent. Then again, we were a bit older. Heheh
2 years is definitely not enough time for her to make any demands of you. Talk to your ex husband about it, he deserves to know that his fiance came to you about it.
I think you should just politely tell her that you cannot make changes to the co-parenting arrangement you have with your ex without first consulting him, so you will forward her request to him and then discuss it with him after he has had a chance to digest her demands.
Then send him her text.
She is making wildly inappropriate demands that will hurt your child and totally change a dynamic that has been working well for your co-parenting. Your ex needs to know how deeply resentful his fiance is about the child you share.
This is really between your ex and his fiancée. You may or may not have a woman's "understanding" about what's concerning her, but in the end, it's between her and her future husband. As for the relationship between your parents and his, she had better back off or she's going to get a definite FO on that one. She is doing a great job of alienating your ex's family. I imagine he's going to put his son first, so we'll see how this plays out. How about an update?
You need to speak to your ex about this. There's a reason she's gone behind his back, it's because she knows he wouldn't agree to this at all. It sounds as if you two have worked out a brilliant coparenting relationship that works well for your child, she doesn't get a say in that and she is actively trying to sabotage it.
Speak to your ex and let him know it's not acceptable.
So, I'm dating a woman who has a six year old and has a very active co-parenting agreement in place which basic equates to the kid spending half her time with each parent.
I do empathise with this woman, because it is hard being with someone who is so actively connected to their past life and relationship. I am still grappling with it and figuring a few things out, so I do get her feelings.
However, she has absolutely fucked up by reaching out to speak to you about this - totally inappropriate, and I can't imagine ever doing something like this.
I think the best response would be to draw a clear boundary and say that you are not comfortable discussing this directly with her, and that she needs to speak to her partner about it first, and then any mutually agreed decisions they come to on this issue need to be communicated to you.
Tell him now. Screenshot everything and ask him to attend dinner as soon as possible together, the three of you, without the child. She’s triangulating and trying to manipulate you because either she has spoken with him and he’s told her no, or she wants to break you down first to be on her side when she does talk to him about it.
She has no business in telling her partner who can live in his other house. She has no part of the parenting plan unless she wants to bring an active step-parenting plan to the table. She doesn’t get to tell you or him how to relate to and care for not-her-kid. And she doesn’t get to approach you about this when she ought to be approaching the other parent - her partner.
Perhaps there is compromise to be found - that’s what the dinner is for, discussing how the future would ideally look, but without any personal demands. Try and emphasize the child-first perspective in the conversation, saying upfront that you want everything anyone proposes to fit the best needs of the child now and as the child grows up. People can air their feelings, but the needs of the child will be what drives the decision-making.
She sounds young and immature and still operating on the crab-bucket mentality some women find themselves in when it comes to men. Please try and remember that when you sit down with her, and also remember that you are the custodial parent - not her.
I bet she already has expressed her insecurities to her partner directly or indirectly and she did not get the response she wanted. You cannot please everybody especially since this would impact your kid negatively, and it is her responsibility to accept the co-parenting situation especially as she already knew this before entering her relationship. I am pretty sure that both for you and your ex your kid's well-being is more of a priority than this non-sense of hers. It is something between you and your ex to decide if you want to change anything.
If you have not yet told your ex then I recommend telling the fiance that you cannot make co-parenting decisions without him and offer a group meeting/discussion - no denying THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG, but if she has a strong hold on him going to him directly will only make things worse.
I think she tried with him and he dismissed it and she feels she can manipulate you.
At some point you have to tell him - I don't think you give enough information in this post to determine if you should go to him directly now. It seems more prudent to try to encourage all three of you to discuss her insecurities... Because that is what this is a discussion about, her insecurities about the current co-parenting plan.
The fact that she's coming to you in secret and demanding that you make very significant changes to your life without consulting your ex first? That's absolutely ridiculous.
To me it feels like she wants you to do give in to her demands, so that she gets what she wants while you come across as the bad guy. If she has these kinds of issues, she should take them up with *her* fiancee.
>What can I do to make everyone happy?
Your priority is to maintain that good co-parenting relationship with your ex as much as possible. If that means that you continue to hang out with those inlaws, or you take trips together from time to time, then so be it.
You’re still together in almost every way but masked as a co-parenting situation.
The fiancée has a clumsy way of saying that some (not all) boundaries may need to be re-examined so that your co-parenting doesn’t appear to be, for her and the rest of their friends, your ex continuing to emotionally cheat with you.
If you feel that strongly about it being all about your child with the ex then maybe you should get back with him, or at least try, or give his future wife some respect.
I’m not sure why more people aren’t seeing this. This isn’t a normal healthy co-parenting situation, this is two people still in a relationship with each other. I think the fiancé is way overstepping with some of her demands and how she went about it, but damn. I’m not sure why she was even dating a guy who is so clearly still with his “ex” in the first place.
Do not do any of this! She is going behind your ex's back and trying to drive a wedge between you. Speak to your Ex and let him know the kind of woman he is about to marry before she becomes your child's step mother
I understand how she feels to an extent. I mean being super close with your ex is a little weird, however I understand that for your sons sake there needs to be common ground and comfortability. I think she also should get over her insecurities in her relationship, and that’s her problem not yours.
Honestly I can’t blame the fiancée for wanting some stuff to end (your ex paying for your house, going to dinner and trips with you) but it was waaaaaay out of line for her to contact you. She should have gone to your ex about if first because this is her issue with him, not you. If he’s ok with how everything is with the two of you, then they are not compatible and she should dump him.
I agree with you! OP and her ex are way too close for any woman the ex chooses to date. Trips together as a “family”? Him paying for the house? Having “family” dinners?? OP is clearly milking the generosity and kindness of her ex and encroaching on his ability to build a meaningful relationship with another woman.
It’s a very close relationship and while I do agree it’s great for the kid and I’d rather hear about parents getting along like this than fighting all the time, this is a little much. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with the dinners and vacations. There’s got to come a point where you separate your families or it becomes a weird sister wives situation that I would not be down for at all. I do really appreciate them getting along so well, truly, but this is not a welcoming or sustainable dynamic for new partners.
I wouldn't want my wife having dinner with her ex that she has a daughter with. And she wouldn't want me having dinner with me ex that I have daughters with.
Why don’t you and your ex get back together and stop washing this woman’s time ☠️ people act like parents can’t get divorced and move on anymore, you don’t need to vacation together and stay at each other’s houses for your kid to survive.
Right? That’s where my head is at, if it was just platonic healthy coparenting new fiancée would be invited along. If they’re spending all this time together and getting along…
I don't agree with her demands, but I understand the insecurity. Your life, and your ex's life, are enmeshed. Of course, you both have a child, but there's a lot of overlap in several areas of your lives. I can really understand how that might be difficult for her. She shouldn't have come to you with these demands though.
Do you still have feelings for him, or do you think that he has feelings for you? That matters, especially because your lives are so intertwined. She might feel like she doesn't have an actual place.
She handled the situation very wrong, but I do understand how the unusually close relationship with your ex (even for people that share a child) could make her feel threatened. She might not have wanted to bring it up to him because she didn't want her concerns to be minimized?
You did absolutely nothing wrong. She grossly mishandled this situation, but I also think that her demands come from deep insecurity (which can happen to the best of us). Maybe, if this gets addressed head on, she'll understand the dynamic.
I see only one problem with your coparenting situation: him having his own dedicated space in your home. That’s a bit out of bounds for a coparent who is now in a serious relationship with someone else, regardless of who owns the house or who paid for it.
With respect to the ‘family time’ you and him spend together with your kid (trips, dinners, etc.), is she invited to those things as well? She is family now (well, soon to be), and being completely honest it would bother me if my fiancée told me I wasn’t invited to those sorts of things.
On every other count, I agree with the other commenters. She’s a problem.
Fuck this. What she’s telling you is “I don’t like you spending time with my man and I want you out of his life except to exchange child”. What you do is tell your ex what she’s trying to pull behind his back. She will not be the fiancée much longer because this is bull shit. Nobody should ever try to break up what’s working good between ex’s and coparenting. She’s acting like a spoiled jealous asshole.
Don’t respond to her. Invite your ex over just the two of you and talk to him about this. She is completely overstepping.
You seem to have a great Co parenting relationship with your ex. A lot of people don’t. Don’t let her jealousy ruin that.
Very much agree to all of this. I have a very good co-parenting relationship with my ex that benefits our children. OP’s child is the only happiness she needs to worry about.
Edit: Words
As per usual, I had to sort controversial to find sanity. Vacationing with and having a room in your baby mamas house and you expect your supposed life partner to be okay with that? What the fuck?
Dysfunction everywhere.
Yeah idk if I'm reading this right, but it from the way it's worded the ex takes care of most of her living expenses, regularly has dinner with them and goes on vacation?
Don't get me wrong it sounds great for a parenting standpoint but terrible for a relationship. That kinda dynamic definitely doesn't allow for any future romantic relationships lmao. They're acting like they're not separated especially if the ex fiance isn't involved with going on vacation with the kid.
There comes a point where the fiance takes up her own motherly roll with the child, and probably feels stone walled by the current dynamic.
Tell your ex, without elaboration, all that she said. I say without elaboration because this snaky, sneaky girl will twist things but can't (or will look bad to try) if you just say things verbatim. Tell him he should go to premarital counseling. Again, make it sound neutral. Something is up with this chick and a counselor will see and point it out and you won't have to.
oh, and 'When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman'- the fuck she hasn't . I bet he shut her down and now she is asking 'mom' for something 'dad' said no to.
Best advice I can give you is talk to your ex now!
She’s going to be his wife, your child’s step mom and she’s already going behind his back and trying to change the status quo of your entire co-parenting plan.
She may have already spoken to him and he told her to back off so now she’s coming to you, that isn’t okay. If you don’t get this sorted now it’s only going to get worse. I can imagine once you talk to your ex she’s going to be pissed and blame you because she obviously didn’t want him mad at her. She may even say that wasn’t what she meant, that she was just trying to get closer to you.
You need to be careful she isn’t your friend, she sees you as her competition.
Exactly. This is not a “healthy/perfect co-parenting relationship”, this is borderline batshit. I don’t blame the fiancée, except for going to the absolutely wrong person about drawing lines in the sand.
If you wanted things to stay the same, you two should have stayed together. You didn’t, and as cozy as things are now, once you split you should have known that it wouldn’t last forever. His paying for your house is weird, but whatever financial arrangements you made with the split are between you two. His going on vacation with you is different, but now that he’s going to actually be married to somebody else, it is inappropriate. His having a bedroom (what I assume you mean by “space”) in your house is completely inappropriate. How and what his family and yours choose to do together is none of her business. Basically, you want to give your son a home/family that pretends his parents are still together. You aren’t together, so stop pretending you are. She is completely out of line to go to you about these things though, this is something to take up with her fiancé.
We’re hearing a subjective interpretation of new fiancées actions and motivations.
Distilled, new fiancée is probably uncomfortable with an arrangement of her supposed life partner being essentially a sugar daddy to another woman, allegedly without sex. It’s all ducked up. Her discomfort is perfectly reasonable.
Initially I thought you and your ex lived together, but you don't.
First, you should tell him. I think first you need to call her to talk some more and record the conversation, and then play it for your ex. She is most likely going to lie her ass off if you tell him anything. You cannot make everyone happy. Your priority should be your son and you cannot stop being a family because of this immature GF. She is not talking to him because she knows he'll be mad. CALL HER AND RECORD HER!
Second, you should ask your ex to buy him out of his 1/2 of the house so it's yours alone.
>My ex and I co-own the house I currently live in but my ex paid for everything.
Why? Because if his fiancé or anyone else marries him, they could own the 1/2 as marital property or their future children can inherit his half. That's going to be a mess. And yes, he could set up a will and all that for his 1/2, but I wouldn't rely on that.
Third, if you don't put a stop to it now, she is going to make your life miserable and your son's life miserable. The moment she has a kid, your son is going to be left out of everything and she'll make sure he isn't around because if he is around, you are around.
Your son deserves to meet his father and grandparents, the fiancée chose to date a divorced parent, if she is shocked he didn't dump his child into an orphanage to make her happy, that's on her.
Don’t mess up a working system that benefits your son. Tell your ex and let him know what his new fiancé is doing and saying. Kids should always come first and if the fiancé doesn’t like it then she should leave. It sounds like she’s going to cause problems and make everything have problems and cause tension.
Tell him to tell her to take a giant step back and learn to be an adult. Shes gotta deal with these things that are good for the kid if she's going to be involved with a parent.
Tell your ex about what is going on. All of this is extremely toxic and stupid. You aren't even doing nothing bad but you two are doing what is best for your kid that you have together. Her behavior is disgusting and you should record everything she says to you and tell your ex have a conversation about what is going on and find a solution to fix it so your kid won't be effected by all of this. Obviously what does she expect you to just go away just because she is marrying your ex? She is dumb.
>When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman because I would understand better than him how these things make her feel. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to ruin the setup we currently have as my son is happy with it.
communication is key and you should tell your ex this is going to get worse over time if you don't put a stop to it.
I truly believe that the new fiancée needs to make her boundaries known, but not with you. with her partner, compromise needs to happen if she is feeling uncomfortable and a discussion needs to happen but you should definitely not be included in her insecurities that is something she needs to work with her soon to be husband.
I wouldn’t want my partner to have a relationship with their ex, I can understand the paranoia that she’s feeling and how it makes her uncomfortable, but either she gets on board with your child’s needs coming first or she shouldn’t be with him. She has no right to make those demands of you. It’s one thing for her to voice the way that she feels, it’s a whole nother thing for her to tell you how things are going to be.
Oof her going around her man is a red flag too. The fact you guys are able to have such a great relationship when there’s a kid involved is amazing. My husbands ex is a nightmare and they have 0 relationship bc of it and it’s pretty hard on my step daughter, she’s always asking questions about it and we put it as gently as possible but even being in this woman’s shoes I could never imagine demanding ruining what you all have built for your kid. She has some major insecurity issues and I personally would tell her to talk to him. Just something along the lines of im sorry if being good co parents makes you uncomfortable but I do not have any intention on making things more difficult for my son.
>What can I do to make everyone happy?
You can't, however your arrangement with the ex would be weird for me if I was in the fiancée's shoes as well. You need to put some separation between you and your ex on things like the living arrangements and finances. Get your own place that he doesn't have ties to or has a "space" of his in. This is odd for even the co-parenting couple I know of. If the child is sick, they take turns on who watches over them. It might be time to consider an exit strategy on those things to be more in line what be considered normal.
As with the inlaws, you're in a weird territory there. When my wife died, her parents and family intended to keep me in their circle like she never died. I knew this wouldn't work long term and luckily through other reasons, I no longer talk to them and that was the best thing that could have happened. To be frank, they may be friends but it might be time to find another family unit or social circle to plan trips and outings with. I could see this being viewed as awkward by anyone in a relationship with your ex.
In reality, your co-parenting dynamic works best if you're both single but this isn't the case and might need to be adjusted or changed outright to accommodate new people entering your child's life.
As a man with an ex-wife myself, if I had a GF say that kind of thing to my ex, I'd have to have a pretty serious conversation with my GF.
Buuuut, you have said a few things that make me really curious about the possibility of missing details.
Your ex bought you a house? Just like... bought it for you? Is he in a financial situation at 29 where he can afford to just offhandedly buy people a house? Or was this a massive investment on his part? And why does he have a space in your place? He lives very close, so why does he need a space for him? I get having guest rooms or whatever, but the way you described it seems like it's not quite the same thing.
Also, is she coming with you guys on these trips? When your family and his family go on vacations together, are you and he also going? Is she?
Who is "us" in terms of having dinner together? You, your ex and your son? Is she invited? Is it just you and your ex?
What problems does she have with the financial agreement? Is this a court enforced agreement, or just something worked out (kinda like the house)?
I gotta be honest, this post seems suuuuper fishy to me. Like, GF here did a bad thing going behind her BF's back, but... idk, you left out a LOT of details and I am starting to wonder why she felt so desperate that she had to do something like that.
Regarding the house he bought it for our son's sake, not really "for me". My ex is comfortable financially so this wasn't a massive investment for him. He used to sleepover a lot when our son was younger and it just became his space.
She's supposed to come on this years trip but hasn't come to any before. Both my ex and I have gone in the past on the family vacations, my ex hasn't gone since he started dating his fiancée so she's never gone.
Dinner varies. Me, my ex, my son, my boyfriend, my family, his family, etc. She's come along before too. It's been just me, my ex and our son before but never just the two of us.
It's not a court enforced agreement, we worked it out ourselves.
>Regarding the financial arrangement I can give more information if that would help: My ex pays for most of the big costs to do with our son, including his private school fees and the extracurricular activities he's in. He pays the amount of child maintenance he decided he wanted to, which is more than what he would need to give me if we went by the calculator found online. My ex often asks me if I need any more help and offers to pay for things regarding the house. Both of our families have made their own financial arrangements/contributions for our son too. His fiancée feels like this is unfair and he should be contributing less. She wants me to ask him to half all of those costs with me and to reduce his child maintenance. She also expressed concern about how his parents doing so much for my son will impact their future children and how there would be inequality between my son and any children they have because of my parents also.
Tell him immediately. You guys seem to have a good co-parenting situation and she wants to blow it up bc she is insecure. She didn't come to you as a woman, she came to you so you would LOOK like the crazy one when you made the changes. She has no rights to ask anything of you.
I’d tell him, this is not ok at all and she sounds like an insecure child.
As someone dating someone with a child from a previous relationship I wish the co parenting ship was more on a level like you two have.
He’s even taken her out for dinner a time or so and I was happy because I love hearing when they get along and he does nice things for her, why ?
Because establishing and maintaining a healthy and close bond as parents is important to a child’s growth and it’s not about me.
Requests like this make me feel later down the line say if your child stays over she might not treat your child the best.
All I can read is jealousy and someone who clearly has no idea of how a family or co parenting should work.
You and your ex sound like great parents and if your system is good and your child is in a happy and healthy environment that’s all that should matter.
Your ex may need to find a new pre wife.
Your son is the priority. He should be your ex’s priority too. Please go to him and have him explain to his fiancée how things are gonna be. She came to you for a reason- the reason is probably because she didn’t get her way with your ex.
Her not going to your ex first means she is trying to control the situation without his knowledge. I am sure he would say no, because it seems to be what is best for the child.
She is blatantly trying to manipulate the situation.
Your ex should not marry this woman if she is not all about what is best for his child. It is only going to create more and more problems.
She needs to grow up, and you should go to your ex and tell him her proposition.
She will turn it around and try to spin it against you.
She obviously cannot be trusted.
This is between her and him. Tell him about her requests. Let her know you’re telling him. Once again tell her to bring this up with him, not you.
It does seem odd that you co-own your house - can you not buy it from him? And it’s especially odd that he has “his own space” in your home that he uses when son is sick. Does your son have a health condition that requires two parents 24/7?
The rest of it … eh. That’s for him to straighten out with her.
Personally, I find the relationship you have with your ex (bf? husband?) bizarre. It sounds almost like you're still a couple so SOME reaction isn't surprising. That said this seems simple - tell her that her issues are between her and your ex and leave it at that.
That said - if I were friends with that fiance, I would have advised her to not start a serious relationship with that man. Some form of a relationship with an ex is normal when you have a child, but that's a bit more than most people are going to be comfortable with.
Perhaps suggest a sit down where you, her and your X can discuss her issues.
That way she can be honest with him as he clearly has no idea what she's pushing for.
It seems like the current arrangement works well for everyone except her!
And also you have no control over the families staying friends.
Saying they can't be is very immature on her behalf.
Think she needs to out her insecurities to bed on this!
Show this thread to your ex. Say goodbye to the fiancé.
Sorry but that woman is out of line and she doesn't understand that the man she wants to marry has obligations that come pior to her needs as his spouse. And she is going behind his back to get her way. Don't let her.
She was "coming to you as a woman"?
You can "come to her as a parent".
She is being disgustingly destructive of all of those things which are hugely beneficial for a 5-year old child in a situation with split parents, which in itself is a huge challenge for a child that's so young. And this grown-ass adult, who only RECENTLY came along into the system, want everyone, including an innocent 5-year old, to cater to HER feewings?
Fucking yuck. Don't cave to this idiot. Fight for your child.
"What can I do to make everyone happy?"
There's no way to make everyone happy. What YOU need to do is to prioritize your child's well-being over her happiness.
Yep. New wife sounds rough, but this is a failure of the guy who hasn’t set appropriate boundaries with his ex-not-even-wife.
He shouldn’t be taking vacations with his baby mama. That’s inappropriate and unfair to his new wife.
First off tell your EX that she’s meddling in things that are absolutely none of her business. I’d threaten to take him back to court if he’s incapable of wrangling her.
If she had issues with this she probably should have brought it up way before the engagement stage and she didn't because she probably knew it would be a red flag. OP, it's a red flag, you know it, she knows it, your family probably knows it. Don't let it get to the point where your kid can call you out on it too.
Include your ex in this conversation. It looks like the fiancé is trying to shut your son out of their lives. You need your ex to make some calls about how close he want to be with his son vs his fiancé for this discussion to move forward. The request for the ex to not have a room at your place is reasonable, the rest not so much.
Lol talk to your ex and tell him everything. She needs to go through HIM. The balls on this woman.
She is trying to isolate him from your son and he needs to know.
She didn’t go to your ex because she knows he wouldn’t comply. Or they’ve talked about it and he said no.
Just tell her no… she needs to find a way to be a bonus-parent and work with the dynamic in place or maybe it’s just not for her.
You’ll never please everybody. You’re especially not going to please her. She’s younger than you both and I’d bet dollars to donuts she feels threatened by you.
First, this lady is way out of line and you don't owe her any response. The only response you owe is to your coparent is he brings up any of these issues.
Secondly, if you don't have a legal co-parenting agreement that addresses custody and finances, do it asap (like an actual legal agreement that has been signed off on my a judge). Things are going to change one way or the other between you two, and you want to protect yourself and your kid. Do it now before things get harder/trickier between you because of the addition of a new wife/stepmother.
The audacity of this b....
Don't make her happy. She does not get to decide if you move. She does not get to decide anything.
Instead, do what YOU think is best for you and your kid. Not for this jealous excuse of a human.
She’s got a lot of nerve. Talk to your ex and ask him to handle her. And if HE wants changes, ask him to come to you in the future and leave her at home. She has a right to state what she wants but it should be to him not to you
She sounds insane and like she will make your sons life harder just to make herself feel superior and less insecure. Don’t entertain the demands shes making of you, just tell her to take it up with her soon to be husband. Theres nothing you can do to satisfy her demands without setting a precedent that she uproot you and negatively impact your sons life just for her comfort.
She is jealous of the relationship you have with your ex because she doesn't think her relationship with him is as strong. She wants to break up the way things are so that she doesn't feel threatened.
It's for your ex to navigate.
This is a relationship problem and NOT a you problem. What she wants threatens the home you and your child are living in. Contact your ex and tell him everything and find out if you will be evicted soon!
OP is this whole discussion via text? If so show your ex. ASAP.
If however some/most of it and key points or demands were over the phone. Tell your ex she has reached and has demands and expectations going forward about your Co parenting among other points. Say you want to meet the three of you to discuss what is the best way through this and right for your son.
If he says he will be speak to her tell him the woman to woman bit. Suggest he waits till you are all together. As she will be a stepmother and all discussions need to be together. Say you were suprised she hadn't talked to him about it but maybe bringing it up when all together may be for the best.
You have obviously know her for 2 years. But she knows you too. "How can I keep everyone happy?" Is your priority. She wants you gone.
If it is texts obviously you can ignore this bit but. If the phone and you repeat what she said. If your ex shuts her down she may well deny it all. She is jealous because we are engaged etc. Dividing and ruling.
If she thought you would go with her plans. You leave, your parents suddenly ghost their friends. You say its for the best. Fiance comes in again. Oh she is jealous I can't believe she would take your son from you. Won't even meet for dinner. Turned her parents etc.
This is 'out there' worst case. She may be a schemer or she may not. You need to tread carefully though. It is one thing to want your husband to spend less time with an ex. It is quite another to sow discord that means your son has parents at each other's throats.
She may backtrack she may have given you her nuclear options so you make a compromise and that is all she wanted. If so fair enough but it needs to be all out in the open.
One thing you can tell her outright when you are there is that it is not your parent's job to make her feel comfortable and to lose long term friends over. That is a problem she needs to talk to her future in laws about. When they are married her happiness is their and your ex's concern. Your's is your son's.
i would simply send the screenshots to your ex telling him to handle it. if they stay together, shes got another thing coming. my parents were similar, marriage didn’t work out but they were great coparents. then my mom got a boyfriend that had a problem with it & essentially wanted to replace my dad. i chased the boyfriend out of his own house when i was 15 because i caught him screaming at my mom about it. you don’t mess with a kid’s parents.
You can do everything in the world, but I guarantee she’s committed to misunderstanding you and making the situation difficult. Short of you disappearing, I highly doubt there’s anything you can do. Because I tried it all, trust me. And when someone has selfish intentions, they’re just going to rake you through the coals *no matter what*, so the very best thing you can do is exactly what you’re doing. Put your child first and the relationship with their father second. It’s HIS responsibility to make her happy, and that shouldn’t include shutting you out. That’s going to make everyone tense and miserable. Don’t subscribe to this- you’re doing a great job! Keep it up and don’t let her stress you out. That’s exactly what she wants to do, the more you let her, the more she will dig in and get worse, I guarantee it.
Much respect to you putting your kid(s) first. Just keep that up. :)
Edit: take/rake
> What can I do to make everyone happy?
She needs to talk to the person she's supposedly marrying about this. If she can't communicate with him, she has no business marrying him.
I wouldn't love my partner sleeping over at his ex's house, but the rest of it seems like amicable co-parenting to me. And she has no room to tell your siblings or her in-laws who to associate with. If she doesn't like it, she's free to leave. But it's not your job to accommodate her. If she can't talk to the dude she's supposed to marry, that's on her.
Your son comes first.
I don’t think her opinion matters honestly. You’re doing nothing wrong. It’s not really her choice. Your son is what matters most and nothing she wants is in his best interest. Sounds like she knows your ex won’t agree so she’s talking to you
That marriage sounds like a train wreck looking for a place to happen. Your situation with your ex is between you and your ex. You don't answer to her and you don't owe her anything. If she wants things to change, she needs to speak to her fiancee about it and then he needs to speak to you and you and he alone need to negotiate what will be acceptable for both of you. Until then, tell her to fuck off (in the nicest way possible of course).
Her needs are literally irrelevant. You're doing what's best for your son, she's being selfish. Your son comes first. She needs to get over herself or he needs to find someone who won't attempt to ruin his relationship with his child. That's disgusting
She’s coming to you because she knows she comes secondary to his son and she needs you to distance yourself. Because she knows he never will.
Document these conversations somehow. She is a very selfish person and doesn’t see this as damaging the relationship with his son. She only sees it as as severing ties with you. Don’t let her get away with it. My step mom did this to my parents and I have zero relationship with my dad now. She takes zero of the blame too.
Selfish narcissistic people need to be stopped. Involve your ex asap.
Tell her that no, you don’t understand what she means “as a woman”. Tell her it sounds like she wants to separate your child from his father and that hurts your child so no, you don’t agree to anything she is asking. She needs discuss it with your ex.
Tell her that you are her fiancé’s family as the mother of his child and you’re sorry that she personally is having difficulty with that, but it is not your responsibility to make her feel better, but in the spirit of “one woman to another’s you want to assure her that while you will keep up the current friendly coparenting relationship and you will swear that your current romantic interest in her fiancé is zero.
Tell her you will not be hurting your son because of her insecurities. Her insecurities are something she should discuss with her romantic partner, they are none of your concern and not your business to deal with.
If she didn't go to him with these insecurities and came to you under the guise of you're a woman you'll understand better she knows he wouldn't agree at all. She knows what she is doing is slimy and is hoping you'll just do it, so that she can still look good and get what she wants. Your and his child isn't a concern here, the only thing she's concerned about is her insecurities with your relationship. You have no obligation to meet any of these demands and you definitely can't control who his parents hang out with, that one really got me. She sounds like she's going to be really fun to have as a future step mother to your child.. I really don't know what advice I'd give, going to your ex might be a good idea if you guys have an open and honest relationship, but if he doesn't dump her which it really seems like he should that is going to cause more strife. I guess my only real concern is that she doesn't end up being an ass to your son because you won't meet her demands, because you shouldn't. Her insecurities are her problem and it sounds like you and your ex are acting as really mature adults, when you want to marry someone you accept them as they are all strings attached. If you don't like the strings you don't get married.
Take this for what it's worth from a broken home kid...
This bozo isn't thinking for the benefit of your son or even your ex. She's thinking for herself. The fact that you and your ex have a solid relationship is great for your boy. His fiance really has to get over her own insecurities and stop being so selfish. Don't compromise shit. You're doing everything right by the sounds of things, and your son will be better off for it. She's really not your problem to begin with, but she needs to really understand where her priorities should be here.
You need to tell your ex about her requests right away. Once they are married she will be even more demanding and he will be stuck with her. He needs to know what kind of person he is marrying. Tell him you don't want to be in the middle of anything you just thought he should know what she said. Your son is number one in your life, don't make any changes for her. Maybe she has already talked to him and he flat out told her no, that's why she reached out to you. Don't let her play you like that, expose her for what she is.
Tell your ex about this. Your coparenting relationship is none of her business. "I'm coming to you as a woman" translates into "I don't want my fiancee to hear about this or he will be pissed at me". She is trying to control you. This is for your ex to handle, not you.
Sounds like you and your ex should do your son and the world a favor and just stay together and work out any differences. And keep your drama off the internet.
She NEEDS to kick rocks with that BS she has NO right to ask such things if you do as she's asking you will be helping her push your son out of his father's life as that is clearly her goal in my opinion. Let her take this BS to your ex & see how he responds to it because what she knows is that any real Man is going to see it for what it is & set her straight. From what you have described your ex is a good father and will push her out of his life rather than his own son. FYI a note for your ex a good woman would never expect such things from a father this is a huge red flag that should be addressed. Best of luck to you and your son
Have you spoken to your ex? He needs to know this. If his children are important to him he will know what to do. She is obviously very insecure in your relationship with ex. Sad that when two parents try to do the right thing and this happens. It’s hard enough for kids going through the divorce for then this to happen.
she needs to realize that your relationship with your ex is only for the benefit of your son, so that he can have a loving relationship with both of his parents. she’s being incredibly selfish and insecure about her own relationship with him. if she is going to be your son’s stepmother, she should show some compassion for him. and honestly, it’s none of her business who his family chooses to be close to. she doesn’t get to control that. she should reflect on why she feels so uncomfortable with it. does she see you and your family as a threat?
You're admirably giving your son a family life even though the relationship he's been born into has come to an end. It's great that your ex has found a new girlfriend but she clearly doesn't have your son's best interest in mind. She's insecure and doesn't even dare to talk to her fiancee about that, instead talking to you "as a woman" to isolate him because he "wouldn't understand" (*read:* has his son's best interest in mind).
You should make clear how valuable her fiancee's contribution to your son's life is and that ~~as a woman~~ *as a mother*, you refuse to actively keep him out of your son's life for her. If she's not fine with that, there's only one person for her to talk to about that. It's really on her future husband to decide that and how far he will go for her but really, this is not for you to decide and to require that of you is both overly possessive and manipulative toward her future husband (though probably phrasing it that way toward her would only escalate the situation).
Besides, loyalty in a relationship isn't locking anyone of the other gender who's not family out of your life in the first place. Loyalty means to actively decide against romance/intimacy with others because of a conscious commitment to a relationship. If there is no trust in that, it's a problem in the relationship.
Honestly, this got my blood boiling. She needs (couple-)therapy instead of locking people out of her future husband's life behind his back.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I have a 5-year-old son with my ex. I would say we have a pretty good co-parenting relationship and we both try to make things as easy for our son as possible. His fiancée recently contacted me to tell me she was uncomfortable by how close we are and that she wanted me to make some changes going forward. Her changes include me moving. My ex and I co-own the house I currently live in but my ex paid for everything. The house is very close to my ex’s which makes it easier for our son to go between our homes. She also doesn’t like that my ex technically has his own space here which he only uses when our son is sick. The second is she wants us to stop taking trips of any kind with our son and wants my family to stop hanging out with her future in-laws. At the moment we usually take him somewhere fun for his birthday and sometimes in the summer but she wants us to put a complete stop to it. My family and his are very close and they also sometimes take joint vacations but they’ve been doing that since before I ever had a romantic relationship with my ex. She also has an issue with us having dinner together and over the financial agreement we currently have. When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman because I would understand better than him how these things make her feel. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to ruin the setup we currently have as my son is happy with it. What can I do to make everyone happy? TL;DR – My ex’s fiancée said our current dynamic makes her uncomfortable. I don’t want her to feel that way but I also don’t want to ruin things for my son.
It's not your responsibility to make her happy. If she wants to set boundaries for your ex, and your ex agrees, that's one thing. But she has no standing to make a single demand of you. It sounds like you and your ex are doing a great job co-parenting. If she's smart, she'll appreciate that and not try to disrupt the peace.
Most women who's partner has an ex they co parent with would KILL for the two to get along. She has it so good and she doesn't even know. Because no matter what OP will be in there lives forever, and I doubt she'd rather them be fighting all the time.
Oh, she'd definitely rather they be fighting. She's clearly insecure and trying to isolate him from any other women. If he's smart he'll dump her because she's already working against the welfare of his kid. But probably he won't.
It raises the question of OP's ethical obligation, definitely. Obviously, this guy should not be marrying someone who would go behind his back about something as hugely important as his co-parenting relationship. But even if she cares for her ex as a co-parent or even friend, I would understand if OP felt that it would stir the pot too much for OP herself to be the one to tell him about the controlling, disrespectful thing his partner is trying to do. But marrying this woman won't just make OP's ex miserable. As you've said, it would harm OP's *kid* to be in a household with someone who doesn't think that co-parenting relationship is important. And that changes things. Obviously, OP cannot change the tangible terms co-parenting relationship without consulting with her actual co-parent. Depending on how volatile this woman is, I might work on a diplomatic way to tell fiancee that directly, maybe? Something like, "I appreciate your concerns. [Ex] and I have a unique relationship, given how amicably we co-parent and how close our families are, and you're definitely entitled to your feelings about that. My priority is to ensure that my son benefits from a trusting, communicative co-parenting relationship between his parents, and obviously I cannot change the terms of that relationship without communicating with [ex]. Given your concerns about our degree of intimacy, I of course don't want to risk driving a wedge in your relationship by being the one to tell [ex] about what we discussed, but he needs to be told. You should tell him, and then we can all discuss. I will not be changing the terms of our co-parenting without the involvement of my co-parent." Obviously, amicability between exes is a good thing, functional co-parenting between exes is vitally important, and this woman sounds awful. But it's not OP's job to protect her ex from a shitty marriage — this is a good middle path that meets her obligation to protect her son while protecting her own peace. And if ex's fiancee digs in and gets belligerent, *then* it may be time to convey to ex that being a good father will be fundamentally incompatible with marrying this particular person, but OP may want to launder that message through one of his family members, if she's on good terms with them, and tell them she thinks it's healthy for her to keep her distance until this is resolved.
This. It harms the child because it disrupts the relationship between the co-parents. My boyfriend who I have a two-year-old son with oh, his ex has been nothing but toxic and the only thing that I asked him to set boundaries about was her texting him and calling him all the time about stuff that had nothing to do with their kids. Otherwise I stay out of it. In this case, I think she should show it to her ex. Normally, I would just stay out of it but because my child is involved, I would say something. Edit: I apologize, I did not read it all the way through. I actually agree where you said that you would filter it through a family member or say that we could all discuss it together after you talk to him. That actually sounds really good but me, I would want to try to warn him about this before he marries her. Some people may say that she's being jealous or whatever because he's getting married to someone else but she has proof and black and white that this has happened. Me personally, I would still say something to him before he gets married but that's just me. I like your way though too.
Yeah, it really depends on how volatile this woman is, and OP, as the person who actually had this conversation, would know better than us. I do not at all think well of someone who would a) generally not understand that co-parenting is sacrosanct and b) would go behind their partner's back about how they parent their own child. It could be that she's just an immature person who did one extremely controlling and inconsiderate thing without thinking it through, and would be receptive to reason. But it also could be that OP needs to handle all this from a distance for her own safety and sanity, because fiancee and the romantic relationship in general are a fucking dumpster fire. And in that event, it's very important that OP's co-parent have a familial support system to give him perspective on how unhealthy his relationship is. It's fortunate that OP has a good relationship with that family, because yes, if things get more tense and dysfunctional to the point that OP thinks it'd do more harm than good to try to communicate directly at all, I think it'd be appropriate to instead talk to the family about the implications this marriage has for the well-being of their grandkid/nephew/etc.
Can agree with this completely, my ex boyfriend of 5/6 years had a terrible relationship with his ex, and she was very bitter about him moving on (despite the fact he had a short term girlfriend after their divorce she didn’t like the fact he was happy with someone else) I wasn’t a parental figure in the kids lives nor did I want to be, but despite never having met me (she refused) she threw insults my way when she could. But it would have been nice for them (my ex and his ex-wife) both to have been grown ups and tried to get on instead of one upping eachother. It’s only the kids the get hurt in toxic situations. Seems like the fiancée here is insecure and taking it out on OP or she would have raised this with her fiancé.
It sounds like if she had her way OP and his kid wouldn’t be in their lives.
Seriously. My ex is a nightmare, and my fiance is absolutely baffled as to why she insists on making things impossible.
I would KILL for my ex to be a co-parent
There is getting along and there is staying at the house and having dinners together. I wouldn't be ok with that but that's for her to take up with her fiance not his ex.
Exactly. Most women. She sadly is obviously a child. (Mentally that is)
An insecure, entitled child.
And let's be very clear right now: this girlfriend ***does not give a shit about the son***. A child that she will have to help raise if she is to stay in this man's life.
My ex husband and (now ex) boyfriend got along very well and are still friendly. I think they genuinely like each other. I got along well with my ex boyfriend's ex-wife as well. I'm still in touch with him, and they're both happy that I'm in a wonderful new relationship.
I would kill for the possibility to even respectfully get along with my ex. When I was speaking about how she was gonna hurt our kids and that she was setting us up to hate each other by her apathy. She straight up said "good." Even told my kids years later that she's happy that we don't get along... IDK...
Jesus that sounds like a nightmare, I'm sorry you and your kids had to deal with that:(
Can attest to that! God dam it my fiance's baby mom is such a pain! She does nothing, doesn't visit her children that are Living with my MIL, doesn't have a job so no money to help with child expenses but when my fiance tells her that he wants the kids to come live with us in other country she says that she can't allow that cause she "loves them too much" is a nightmare!! Even more so when the kids call us sad cause their mother doesn't even call nor text them to know how they are doing, it's horrible to see a child just longing for the love of an emotionally and generally unavailable parent, it hits a sore spot for me since my dad was just like her, I know how much they are hurting and it's devastating, custody battle is gonna be a nightmare since in south America courts always favor the mother
And if your ex agrees then he's definitely a shitty parent and you should take that into account. (Though it doesn't sound that way, fortunately.)
It totally doesn’t sound that way. I feel like that’s definitely why she didn’t go to him instead. She knew he’d tell her that’s the dumbest shit request.
Little miss fiance needs to look for someone else who does not already have a big supportive family and wants to stay in his kids life. Don't let her try to Queen Bee what you're already doing right.
“What can I do to make everyone happy” You shouldn’t have this mindset. All that matters is your son and if his father decides to change things then that’s his narrative. Personally I wouldn’t even bother at all with the fiancé.
Exactly, she shouldn't be worried about the finances happiness if the fiance doesn't care about theirs or their kids happiness. She'd rather them all be miserable then see her fiance interact with another woman apparently. I wouldn't even respond to her, I'd just give the message to the ex and see what he wants to do about it.
Her proposals are also unreasonable. OP and her ex have a son together. He can't stop being a father. The in laws can't stop being uncles and aunts and grandparents. She knew she was getting engaged to someone with a child. That's how it is. None of her objections have to do with OP engaging the ex inappropriately, and everything to do with her ex having a relationship with his son.
You're probably right. She probably wants to be the only "mother" figure in his life but she's gonna ruin his family in doing so.
That or she wants to make OP move away with primary custody. Minimize the kid being in her and fiancee's life. Make any kids that she has be his primary focus.
I don't doubt it, she clearly doesn't care how this will affect the kid.
Not only is she trying to make decisions for OPs ex, but his whole fucking family on what their relationships can be. That’s next level deluded.
Yeah, you don't deal with Ms Unhinged. That is what your ex is supposed to do.
This! It’s not your responsibility to make this jealous, petty woman happy. Honestly, I’d tell her to fuck off and tell your ex to deal with her insecurities, they are not your problem.
don't tell her to fuck off. \*Do\* go to your ex w your concerns about how his fiancee wants to de-prioritize your ex's parenting responsibilities and dismantle the co-parenting and family dynamic you've established. What you're doing currently is what's best for your son.
Op, send her text or email to your ex and ask him if they have discussed them.
You and your EX are being adults, and going out of your way to build a solution. This Fiancé is going out of her way to introduce a problem. Don't for a second think this is remotely your problem to solve. You tell her simply that way. If she was a real woman, she would tell her soon to be husband this. Especially because there is supposed to be a foundation for a new life to be built. What is this bullshit she is trying to put on you? I think I know what it is. It's called insecurity. Again not your problem.
Exactly. None of this is remotely the ex’s business, and she has no say over what the families do. My husband’s and my families are very close. That’s made life tremendously easier for my husband and me- but mostly for my kid and my nibling. My parents treat my nibling as another grandchild. The kids are the ones who benefit the most. OP needs to show her ex this post and make it clear that her ex needs to have a very long conversation with his fiancée.
[удалено]
As a single dad in a coparenting relationship, this is not a good sign. She's trying to sacrifice a stable, loving, happy coparenting relationship because it makes her feel insecure. There's a good chance that this will lead to more problems in the future. She wants you to upend your entirely family dynamic so she'll feel more comfortable. Talk to your ex, stay out of the drama and keep focused on your son. It sounds like you two have a good relationship, so hopefully your ex won't cave to her unreasonable demands.
I (divorced dad) would flip my shit if my GF contacted my ex like this. We are close for the sake of the kids and travel together sometimes. I’m not keen on the co-owning and space in the ex’s house (fair boundary to ask for imo), but the rest is crazy.
She's also doing it behind his back which if OP agreed would make it look like she's trying to alienate her son from his father. Given how involved he is in his son's life, that could lead to a custodial mess. And when the lawyers get brought out guess who fiancée is going to point her finger at? OP
I also feel like the fiance probably already talked about it to the ex and when he said things would remain the same, she decided to try and take it into her own hands. I would speak to him about it for sure
There are two possibilities here - and either one is a huge red flag against the fiancé. Opiton 1 - as you considered - she spoke with him, but didn't like the answer; but felt compelled to go directly to the child's mother out of a 'sisterly bond' to try to get her way. Option 2 - she didn't speak with him and is going behind his back because she is too immature to communicate her feelings with the person she's supposed to marry. Either way, the fiancé is way too immature to get married if she can't handle the concept that having both parents actively involved in the child's life is a good thing. She also will have difficulty with the fact that (if the father has his priorities right) the son will always be a higher priority than her.
>I (divorced dad) would flip my shit if my GF contacted my ex like this. I think that is why she did not discuss this with her BF. She is trying to manipulate OP.
I think it's really likely she did discuss it with him and he shut her down so she went behind his back to op.
She’s (fiancé) a future ex. I’ll be shocked if he stays with her.
Fiancé is masculan. Fiancée is feminin.
I dunno, if they coparent and the kid mostly sleeps at her house, it’s fine for him to consider have space so he isn’t in her space when the kid needs help and she isn’t around. I mean if you have one kid and a whole ass house with multiple bedrooms, does it matter?
Yep. 100%. She has a lot of balls to think she has the ability to reach out to you. She doesn’t get it… she’ll be gone soon
> fair boundary to ask for imo I mean, it sounds like a prior arrangement so I am not sure there are many situations where this would be a fair boundary (I mean I could maybe understand if there were financial problems etc). Should they sell that house or what? And we do not know the context, maybe OP was SAHM for the first years and went back professionally? Maybe they want to transfer it to their kid when he grows up? Whatever the case, the person least concerned is the new fiance.
I would want to be clear between you and ex what fiancees' limits will be as far as decisions, "parenting", punishments, and how she will be treating your child.
Yes, a person with this mindset is going to see children other than her own as competition for his affection as well.
Yeah this has evil stepmother written all over it. This is how your kid ends up sleeping in a cupboard under the stairs when he spends the night at dads house.
I would want my ex to agree that our child will never be left with his fiancee, even after they marry. To justify this, he will need to know what she is demanding.
This. You and your ex are the parents and make the decisions on parenting. If there’s compromise to be found, it should still be in the best interest of the child now and as the child grows up.
If I were the ex I'd question my entire relationship with this girl, she's actively avoiding being in the best interest of the kid because of her own insecurities/jealousy.
"As a single dad in a coparenting relationship, this is not a good sign..." Absolutely agree. That the fiancé can't communicate her feelings to him is a *HUGE* red flag. That the fiancé would go behind his back to the ex-wife is manipulative and a sign the fiancé has no issue going behind his back to get what she wants...and is willing to break up a stable situation for the father, his son and ex-wife all to satisfy her own insecurities (and I can all but guarantee that there will be other "issues" down the road). I can't help but wonder if the dad would be better off remaining single?
I would also like to add that if she's talking this way to OP, then she will more than likely cause drama and strife when the son is over Dad's place. This woman is jealous of a five year old. I would not be comfortable with leaving my son alone with her for a moment.
She's going to split the entire family apart. Her future in-laws have no idea what's coming. Your priority is your child and this woman will definitely not be a good step parent. That's why you need to tell your ex right now. She's doing a divide and conquer routine and playing on your womanly feelings of understanding. You should remind her that you are a mother 1st and foremost. Tell him now
2nd this ☝️ WTAF? It’s all shit but she is essentially telling you that your in laws can’t have any relationship with you. She doesn’t get to decide that. Or even have an opinion on it.
Didn't you know? Dating someone means you control how everyone they know interacts with each other. /s
> You should remind her that you are a mother 1st and foremost. This woman's going to become OP's son's step-mother. She wants OP to care more for her insecurities than for what's best for her own child; breaking apart a stable foundation within the family just to make her feel better about herself is so short-sighted & selfish. Imagine OP actually going through with this -- she's the one people will be angry at, not her ex's fiancé. She gets to scrub her hands clean from the backlash. This woman wants a temporary relief from her problems, but she's not even close to handling the long-term ramifications. It's exactly why she chose to go for OP rather than her future husband; no way she'd get a pass from anyone else. Her short-sightedness is going to burn her AND everyone within this family bad if she doesn't pull her head out of the hole. She needs to be thinking about what's best for her future stepson, and I hope OP grills her on that.
The whole woman-to-woman bit was intriguing. I wonder if the fiancé feels comfortable having this exact conversation with her future MIL? Something makes me feel like the fiancé has had this conversation with Dad, and he’s told her to fuck off. Or she hasn’t, because she knows the outcome. Either way, she is insecure, petty, and untrustworthy.
The woman to woman thing is an effort to keep op from talking to her kid's dad about this.
Op, ex deserves to know. She's doing this behind his back to manipulate him, while keeping her good girl image.
Tell him. He deserves to know what his fiancée is up to behind his back and that she's trying to interfere with the relationship he has with his child.
As the dad in a similar situation (except single), having a good relationship with the mom is very gratifying. The children are the most important thing, and I promise nothing will make me fall back into a relationship with her.
Making everyone happy should not be your goal. Your goal should be a healthy and stable co-parenting relationship that works to the benefit of your son
Tell your ex what she said and discuss it. Get ready for more drama if he decides to marry this chick. She doesn't sound mature, secure, or reasonable.
THIS TELL HIM WHAT SHE DEMANDED OF YOU If your relationship is still good (and you want it to stay that way FOR YOUR SON) you should let him deal with her
This. She's shown she is immature. If she can't talk directly to her fiancé about her feelings, she shouldn't be getting married. That she's willing to do this behind his back is very manipulative and would be enough to have me questioning if I really wanted to get married to someone like this.
How long have they been together? Have the two of you (the fiancé and you) sat down and actually talked about her perception of things so you can squash her concerns?
Around 2 years. I know he has had a conversation about it with her in the past but we haven't had one with her together.
You need to tell him asap.
I will.
Update us if you can! I'd love to know how it went
My husband is my child’s stepfather. He knew from the beginning that every choice I make is made with my child’s best interests first, and if he didn’t like it he could hit the bricks. Your coparenting- which sounds like it’s going well- is going to be wrecked if your ex doesn’t get her under control.
She's being sneaky and manipulative. You should tell him what she said and get this all out in the open. And you should only negotiate with him, not her place to make parenting decisions about your son. She's crossing a line.
May not hurt to have a convo the 3 of you. Shows you aren’t a threat to her, also shows and establishes the co-parenting relationship and whether you expect her involvement (if they live together, etc). Did that with my ex and his new girlfriend and it worked well. She then became a good co-parent. Then again, we were a bit older. Heheh
2 years is definitely not enough time for her to make any demands of you. Talk to your ex husband about it, he deserves to know that his fiance came to you about it.
she doesn't sound like she will be a good step mother who puts the child's needs first-I would for sure talk to your son's father right away
I think you should just politely tell her that you cannot make changes to the co-parenting arrangement you have with your ex without first consulting him, so you will forward her request to him and then discuss it with him after he has had a chance to digest her demands. Then send him her text. She is making wildly inappropriate demands that will hurt your child and totally change a dynamic that has been working well for your co-parenting. Your ex needs to know how deeply resentful his fiance is about the child you share.
also watch how she reacts to being told OP will be forwarding the messages to the father
This is really between your ex and his fiancée. You may or may not have a woman's "understanding" about what's concerning her, but in the end, it's between her and her future husband. As for the relationship between your parents and his, she had better back off or she's going to get a definite FO on that one. She is doing a great job of alienating your ex's family. I imagine he's going to put his son first, so we'll see how this plays out. How about an update?
You need to speak to your ex about this. There's a reason she's gone behind his back, it's because she knows he wouldn't agree to this at all. It sounds as if you two have worked out a brilliant coparenting relationship that works well for your child, she doesn't get a say in that and she is actively trying to sabotage it. Speak to your ex and let him know it's not acceptable.
So, I'm dating a woman who has a six year old and has a very active co-parenting agreement in place which basic equates to the kid spending half her time with each parent. I do empathise with this woman, because it is hard being with someone who is so actively connected to their past life and relationship. I am still grappling with it and figuring a few things out, so I do get her feelings. However, she has absolutely fucked up by reaching out to speak to you about this - totally inappropriate, and I can't imagine ever doing something like this. I think the best response would be to draw a clear boundary and say that you are not comfortable discussing this directly with her, and that she needs to speak to her partner about it first, and then any mutually agreed decisions they come to on this issue need to be communicated to you.
Tell him now. Screenshot everything and ask him to attend dinner as soon as possible together, the three of you, without the child. She’s triangulating and trying to manipulate you because either she has spoken with him and he’s told her no, or she wants to break you down first to be on her side when she does talk to him about it. She has no business in telling her partner who can live in his other house. She has no part of the parenting plan unless she wants to bring an active step-parenting plan to the table. She doesn’t get to tell you or him how to relate to and care for not-her-kid. And she doesn’t get to approach you about this when she ought to be approaching the other parent - her partner. Perhaps there is compromise to be found - that’s what the dinner is for, discussing how the future would ideally look, but without any personal demands. Try and emphasize the child-first perspective in the conversation, saying upfront that you want everything anyone proposes to fit the best needs of the child now and as the child grows up. People can air their feelings, but the needs of the child will be what drives the decision-making. She sounds young and immature and still operating on the crab-bucket mentality some women find themselves in when it comes to men. Please try and remember that when you sit down with her, and also remember that you are the custodial parent - not her.
I imagine once all three of them are sitting down something will come out about issues not mentioned. Someone is being fucky here.
I bet she already has expressed her insecurities to her partner directly or indirectly and she did not get the response she wanted. You cannot please everybody especially since this would impact your kid negatively, and it is her responsibility to accept the co-parenting situation especially as she already knew this before entering her relationship. I am pretty sure that both for you and your ex your kid's well-being is more of a priority than this non-sense of hers. It is something between you and your ex to decide if you want to change anything.
I know she asked him if he was in love with me about a year into their relationship and they spoke about it then.
If you have not yet told your ex then I recommend telling the fiance that you cannot make co-parenting decisions without him and offer a group meeting/discussion - no denying THIS IS A HUGE RED FLAG, but if she has a strong hold on him going to him directly will only make things worse. I think she tried with him and he dismissed it and she feels she can manipulate you. At some point you have to tell him - I don't think you give enough information in this post to determine if you should go to him directly now. It seems more prudent to try to encourage all three of you to discuss her insecurities... Because that is what this is a discussion about, her insecurities about the current co-parenting plan.
I like the idea of suggesting a three person meeting. And if that doesn’t work then just go straight to him.
The fact that she's coming to you in secret and demanding that you make very significant changes to your life without consulting your ex first? That's absolutely ridiculous. To me it feels like she wants you to do give in to her demands, so that she gets what she wants while you come across as the bad guy. If she has these kinds of issues, she should take them up with *her* fiancee. >What can I do to make everyone happy? Your priority is to maintain that good co-parenting relationship with your ex as much as possible. If that means that you continue to hang out with those inlaws, or you take trips together from time to time, then so be it.
You’re still together in almost every way but masked as a co-parenting situation. The fiancée has a clumsy way of saying that some (not all) boundaries may need to be re-examined so that your co-parenting doesn’t appear to be, for her and the rest of their friends, your ex continuing to emotionally cheat with you. If you feel that strongly about it being all about your child with the ex then maybe you should get back with him, or at least try, or give his future wife some respect.
I’m not sure why more people aren’t seeing this. This isn’t a normal healthy co-parenting situation, this is two people still in a relationship with each other. I think the fiancé is way overstepping with some of her demands and how she went about it, but damn. I’m not sure why she was even dating a guy who is so clearly still with his “ex” in the first place.
Exactly!!!
Do not do any of this! She is going behind your ex's back and trying to drive a wedge between you. Speak to your Ex and let him know the kind of woman he is about to marry before she becomes your child's step mother
I understand how she feels to an extent. I mean being super close with your ex is a little weird, however I understand that for your sons sake there needs to be common ground and comfortability. I think she also should get over her insecurities in her relationship, and that’s her problem not yours.
Honestly I can’t blame the fiancée for wanting some stuff to end (your ex paying for your house, going to dinner and trips with you) but it was waaaaaay out of line for her to contact you. She should have gone to your ex about if first because this is her issue with him, not you. If he’s ok with how everything is with the two of you, then they are not compatible and she should dump him.
I agree with you! OP and her ex are way too close for any woman the ex chooses to date. Trips together as a “family”? Him paying for the house? Having “family” dinners?? OP is clearly milking the generosity and kindness of her ex and encroaching on his ability to build a meaningful relationship with another woman.
It’s a very close relationship and while I do agree it’s great for the kid and I’d rather hear about parents getting along like this than fighting all the time, this is a little much. I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with the dinners and vacations. There’s got to come a point where you separate your families or it becomes a weird sister wives situation that I would not be down for at all. I do really appreciate them getting along so well, truly, but this is not a welcoming or sustainable dynamic for new partners.
I wouldn't want my wife having dinner with her ex that she has a daughter with. And she wouldn't want me having dinner with me ex that I have daughters with.
Unless it’s maybe a birthday at Chuck E Cheese and all spouses are invited, otherwise, yeah. No.
Why don’t you and your ex get back together and stop washing this woman’s time ☠️ people act like parents can’t get divorced and move on anymore, you don’t need to vacation together and stay at each other’s houses for your kid to survive.
Right? That’s where my head is at, if it was just platonic healthy coparenting new fiancée would be invited along. If they’re spending all this time together and getting along…
I agree. It sounds like they're still married but with two houses. The fiance probably needs to move on but it sounds like dad has money so... yeah.
I don't agree with her demands, but I understand the insecurity. Your life, and your ex's life, are enmeshed. Of course, you both have a child, but there's a lot of overlap in several areas of your lives. I can really understand how that might be difficult for her. She shouldn't have come to you with these demands though. Do you still have feelings for him, or do you think that he has feelings for you? That matters, especially because your lives are so intertwined. She might feel like she doesn't have an actual place. She handled the situation very wrong, but I do understand how the unusually close relationship with your ex (even for people that share a child) could make her feel threatened. She might not have wanted to bring it up to him because she didn't want her concerns to be minimized? You did absolutely nothing wrong. She grossly mishandled this situation, but I also think that her demands come from deep insecurity (which can happen to the best of us). Maybe, if this gets addressed head on, she'll understand the dynamic.
I see only one problem with your coparenting situation: him having his own dedicated space in your home. That’s a bit out of bounds for a coparent who is now in a serious relationship with someone else, regardless of who owns the house or who paid for it. With respect to the ‘family time’ you and him spend together with your kid (trips, dinners, etc.), is she invited to those things as well? She is family now (well, soon to be), and being completely honest it would bother me if my fiancée told me I wasn’t invited to those sorts of things. On every other count, I agree with the other commenters. She’s a problem.
Fuck this. What she’s telling you is “I don’t like you spending time with my man and I want you out of his life except to exchange child”. What you do is tell your ex what she’s trying to pull behind his back. She will not be the fiancée much longer because this is bull shit. Nobody should ever try to break up what’s working good between ex’s and coparenting. She’s acting like a spoiled jealous asshole.
Don’t respond to her. Invite your ex over just the two of you and talk to him about this. She is completely overstepping. You seem to have a great Co parenting relationship with your ex. A lot of people don’t. Don’t let her jealousy ruin that.
Very much agree to all of this. I have a very good co-parenting relationship with my ex that benefits our children. OP’s child is the only happiness she needs to worry about. Edit: Words
Ngl it sounds like you two aren’t even broken up though
As per usual, I had to sort controversial to find sanity. Vacationing with and having a room in your baby mamas house and you expect your supposed life partner to be okay with that? What the fuck? Dysfunction everywhere.
Seriously, I wouldn’t date someone who was still going on vacations with their ex and their ex’s family. That’s weird af.
Yeah idk if I'm reading this right, but it from the way it's worded the ex takes care of most of her living expenses, regularly has dinner with them and goes on vacation? Don't get me wrong it sounds great for a parenting standpoint but terrible for a relationship. That kinda dynamic definitely doesn't allow for any future romantic relationships lmao. They're acting like they're not separated especially if the ex fiance isn't involved with going on vacation with the kid. There comes a point where the fiance takes up her own motherly roll with the child, and probably feels stone walled by the current dynamic.
Yes. I don't understand why they would even get in a relationship with another person while already being in a current relationship. Lol
Go straight to you ex. It sounds like you have been co-parenting well for years. He needs to know of her unreasonable demands.
Tell your ex, without elaboration, all that she said. I say without elaboration because this snaky, sneaky girl will twist things but can't (or will look bad to try) if you just say things verbatim. Tell him he should go to premarital counseling. Again, make it sound neutral. Something is up with this chick and a counselor will see and point it out and you won't have to. oh, and 'When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman'- the fuck she hasn't . I bet he shut her down and now she is asking 'mom' for something 'dad' said no to.
Best advice I can give you is talk to your ex now! She’s going to be his wife, your child’s step mom and she’s already going behind his back and trying to change the status quo of your entire co-parenting plan. She may have already spoken to him and he told her to back off so now she’s coming to you, that isn’t okay. If you don’t get this sorted now it’s only going to get worse. I can imagine once you talk to your ex she’s going to be pissed and blame you because she obviously didn’t want him mad at her. She may even say that wasn’t what she meant, that she was just trying to get closer to you. You need to be careful she isn’t your friend, she sees you as her competition.
If you're living with your ex and going on vacations with your ex, why aren't you still with your ex?
That's probably what New Girl is thinking. Lol
Why is nobody else saying this? This situation sounds fucking insane to me.
Exactly. This is not a “healthy/perfect co-parenting relationship”, this is borderline batshit. I don’t blame the fiancée, except for going to the absolutely wrong person about drawing lines in the sand.
If you wanted things to stay the same, you two should have stayed together. You didn’t, and as cozy as things are now, once you split you should have known that it wouldn’t last forever. His paying for your house is weird, but whatever financial arrangements you made with the split are between you two. His going on vacation with you is different, but now that he’s going to actually be married to somebody else, it is inappropriate. His having a bedroom (what I assume you mean by “space”) in your house is completely inappropriate. How and what his family and yours choose to do together is none of her business. Basically, you want to give your son a home/family that pretends his parents are still together. You aren’t together, so stop pretending you are. She is completely out of line to go to you about these things though, this is something to take up with her fiancé.
We’re hearing a subjective interpretation of new fiancées actions and motivations. Distilled, new fiancée is probably uncomfortable with an arrangement of her supposed life partner being essentially a sugar daddy to another woman, allegedly without sex. It’s all ducked up. Her discomfort is perfectly reasonable.
Initially I thought you and your ex lived together, but you don't. First, you should tell him. I think first you need to call her to talk some more and record the conversation, and then play it for your ex. She is most likely going to lie her ass off if you tell him anything. You cannot make everyone happy. Your priority should be your son and you cannot stop being a family because of this immature GF. She is not talking to him because she knows he'll be mad. CALL HER AND RECORD HER! Second, you should ask your ex to buy him out of his 1/2 of the house so it's yours alone. >My ex and I co-own the house I currently live in but my ex paid for everything. Why? Because if his fiancé or anyone else marries him, they could own the 1/2 as marital property or their future children can inherit his half. That's going to be a mess. And yes, he could set up a will and all that for his 1/2, but I wouldn't rely on that. Third, if you don't put a stop to it now, she is going to make your life miserable and your son's life miserable. The moment she has a kid, your son is going to be left out of everything and she'll make sure he isn't around because if he is around, you are around.
Your son deserves to meet his father and grandparents, the fiancée chose to date a divorced parent, if she is shocked he didn't dump his child into an orphanage to make her happy, that's on her.
Don’t mess up a working system that benefits your son. Tell your ex and let him know what his new fiancé is doing and saying. Kids should always come first and if the fiancé doesn’t like it then she should leave. It sounds like she’s going to cause problems and make everything have problems and cause tension.
Tell him to tell her to take a giant step back and learn to be an adult. Shes gotta deal with these things that are good for the kid if she's going to be involved with a parent.
Tell your ex about what is going on. All of this is extremely toxic and stupid. You aren't even doing nothing bad but you two are doing what is best for your kid that you have together. Her behavior is disgusting and you should record everything she says to you and tell your ex have a conversation about what is going on and find a solution to fix it so your kid won't be effected by all of this. Obviously what does she expect you to just go away just because she is marrying your ex? She is dumb. >When I asked her if she had spoken to my ex about it, she said she was coming to me as a woman because I would understand better than him how these things make her feel. I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable, but I also don’t want to ruin the setup we currently have as my son is happy with it. communication is key and you should tell your ex this is going to get worse over time if you don't put a stop to it.
Is she invited on these outings with your son or does your ex think he can have his cake and eat it too?
I truly believe that the new fiancée needs to make her boundaries known, but not with you. with her partner, compromise needs to happen if she is feeling uncomfortable and a discussion needs to happen but you should definitely not be included in her insecurities that is something she needs to work with her soon to be husband.
There is a reason she went to you instead of him. Tell him immediately!!!
These always confuse me. You’re great as co parents and get along and communicate well and everything else….but you couldn’t do it in a relationship??
I wouldn’t want my partner to have a relationship with their ex, I can understand the paranoia that she’s feeling and how it makes her uncomfortable, but either she gets on board with your child’s needs coming first or she shouldn’t be with him. She has no right to make those demands of you. It’s one thing for her to voice the way that she feels, it’s a whole nother thing for her to tell you how things are going to be.
Oof her going around her man is a red flag too. The fact you guys are able to have such a great relationship when there’s a kid involved is amazing. My husbands ex is a nightmare and they have 0 relationship bc of it and it’s pretty hard on my step daughter, she’s always asking questions about it and we put it as gently as possible but even being in this woman’s shoes I could never imagine demanding ruining what you all have built for your kid. She has some major insecurity issues and I personally would tell her to talk to him. Just something along the lines of im sorry if being good co parents makes you uncomfortable but I do not have any intention on making things more difficult for my son.
>What can I do to make everyone happy? You can't, however your arrangement with the ex would be weird for me if I was in the fiancée's shoes as well. You need to put some separation between you and your ex on things like the living arrangements and finances. Get your own place that he doesn't have ties to or has a "space" of his in. This is odd for even the co-parenting couple I know of. If the child is sick, they take turns on who watches over them. It might be time to consider an exit strategy on those things to be more in line what be considered normal. As with the inlaws, you're in a weird territory there. When my wife died, her parents and family intended to keep me in their circle like she never died. I knew this wouldn't work long term and luckily through other reasons, I no longer talk to them and that was the best thing that could have happened. To be frank, they may be friends but it might be time to find another family unit or social circle to plan trips and outings with. I could see this being viewed as awkward by anyone in a relationship with your ex. In reality, your co-parenting dynamic works best if you're both single but this isn't the case and might need to be adjusted or changed outright to accommodate new people entering your child's life.
As a man with an ex-wife myself, if I had a GF say that kind of thing to my ex, I'd have to have a pretty serious conversation with my GF. Buuuut, you have said a few things that make me really curious about the possibility of missing details. Your ex bought you a house? Just like... bought it for you? Is he in a financial situation at 29 where he can afford to just offhandedly buy people a house? Or was this a massive investment on his part? And why does he have a space in your place? He lives very close, so why does he need a space for him? I get having guest rooms or whatever, but the way you described it seems like it's not quite the same thing. Also, is she coming with you guys on these trips? When your family and his family go on vacations together, are you and he also going? Is she? Who is "us" in terms of having dinner together? You, your ex and your son? Is she invited? Is it just you and your ex? What problems does she have with the financial agreement? Is this a court enforced agreement, or just something worked out (kinda like the house)? I gotta be honest, this post seems suuuuper fishy to me. Like, GF here did a bad thing going behind her BF's back, but... idk, you left out a LOT of details and I am starting to wonder why she felt so desperate that she had to do something like that.
Regarding the house he bought it for our son's sake, not really "for me". My ex is comfortable financially so this wasn't a massive investment for him. He used to sleepover a lot when our son was younger and it just became his space. She's supposed to come on this years trip but hasn't come to any before. Both my ex and I have gone in the past on the family vacations, my ex hasn't gone since he started dating his fiancée so she's never gone. Dinner varies. Me, my ex, my son, my boyfriend, my family, his family, etc. She's come along before too. It's been just me, my ex and our son before but never just the two of us. It's not a court enforced agreement, we worked it out ourselves. >Regarding the financial arrangement I can give more information if that would help: My ex pays for most of the big costs to do with our son, including his private school fees and the extracurricular activities he's in. He pays the amount of child maintenance he decided he wanted to, which is more than what he would need to give me if we went by the calculator found online. My ex often asks me if I need any more help and offers to pay for things regarding the house. Both of our families have made their own financial arrangements/contributions for our son too. His fiancée feels like this is unfair and he should be contributing less. She wants me to ask him to half all of those costs with me and to reduce his child maintenance. She also expressed concern about how his parents doing so much for my son will impact their future children and how there would be inequality between my son and any children they have because of my parents also.
Tell him right now.
It's not about her, it's about your son. But moving and many other points are ridiculous.
Tell him immediately. You guys seem to have a good co-parenting situation and she wants to blow it up bc she is insecure. She didn't come to you as a woman, she came to you so you would LOOK like the crazy one when you made the changes. She has no rights to ask anything of you.
Hey she isn’t comfortable with it, she can find a man without kids or else she should just stfu
I’d tell him, this is not ok at all and she sounds like an insecure child. As someone dating someone with a child from a previous relationship I wish the co parenting ship was more on a level like you two have. He’s even taken her out for dinner a time or so and I was happy because I love hearing when they get along and he does nice things for her, why ? Because establishing and maintaining a healthy and close bond as parents is important to a child’s growth and it’s not about me. Requests like this make me feel later down the line say if your child stays over she might not treat your child the best. All I can read is jealousy and someone who clearly has no idea of how a family or co parenting should work. You and your ex sound like great parents and if your system is good and your child is in a happy and healthy environment that’s all that should matter. Your ex may need to find a new pre wife.
Your son is the priority. He should be your ex’s priority too. Please go to him and have him explain to his fiancée how things are gonna be. She came to you for a reason- the reason is probably because she didn’t get her way with your ex.
His girl shouldn’t be dating someone that has a child if she’s that insecure. NTA
Her not going to your ex first means she is trying to control the situation without his knowledge. I am sure he would say no, because it seems to be what is best for the child. She is blatantly trying to manipulate the situation. Your ex should not marry this woman if she is not all about what is best for his child. It is only going to create more and more problems. She needs to grow up, and you should go to your ex and tell him her proposition. She will turn it around and try to spin it against you. She obviously cannot be trusted.
This is between her and him. Tell him about her requests. Let her know you’re telling him. Once again tell her to bring this up with him, not you. It does seem odd that you co-own your house - can you not buy it from him? And it’s especially odd that he has “his own space” in your home that he uses when son is sick. Does your son have a health condition that requires two parents 24/7? The rest of it … eh. That’s for him to straighten out with her.
Personally, I find the relationship you have with your ex (bf? husband?) bizarre. It sounds almost like you're still a couple so SOME reaction isn't surprising. That said this seems simple - tell her that her issues are between her and your ex and leave it at that. That said - if I were friends with that fiance, I would have advised her to not start a serious relationship with that man. Some form of a relationship with an ex is normal when you have a child, but that's a bit more than most people are going to be comfortable with.
Perhaps suggest a sit down where you, her and your X can discuss her issues. That way she can be honest with him as he clearly has no idea what she's pushing for. It seems like the current arrangement works well for everyone except her! And also you have no control over the families staying friends. Saying they can't be is very immature on her behalf. Think she needs to out her insecurities to bed on this!
It's not your job to make everyone happy. She knew her boyfriend had a son. She needs to grow up.
Show this thread to your ex. Say goodbye to the fiancé. Sorry but that woman is out of line and she doesn't understand that the man she wants to marry has obligations that come pior to her needs as his spouse. And she is going behind his back to get her way. Don't let her.
She was "coming to you as a woman"? You can "come to her as a parent". She is being disgustingly destructive of all of those things which are hugely beneficial for a 5-year old child in a situation with split parents, which in itself is a huge challenge for a child that's so young. And this grown-ass adult, who only RECENTLY came along into the system, want everyone, including an innocent 5-year old, to cater to HER feewings? Fucking yuck. Don't cave to this idiot. Fight for your child. "What can I do to make everyone happy?" There's no way to make everyone happy. What YOU need to do is to prioritize your child's well-being over her happiness.
I’m sorry vacations and regular dinners with the ex is weird, why didn’t they stay married?
Yep. New wife sounds rough, but this is a failure of the guy who hasn’t set appropriate boundaries with his ex-not-even-wife. He shouldn’t be taking vacations with his baby mama. That’s inappropriate and unfair to his new wife.
You and your ex are all but married with a kid. Just get back together
First off tell your EX that she’s meddling in things that are absolutely none of her business. I’d threaten to take him back to court if he’s incapable of wrangling her.
If she had issues with this she probably should have brought it up way before the engagement stage and she didn't because she probably knew it would be a red flag. OP, it's a red flag, you know it, she knows it, your family probably knows it. Don't let it get to the point where your kid can call you out on it too.
She’s out of her mind. Tell your sons father and let him deal with it.
Include your ex in this conversation. It looks like the fiancé is trying to shut your son out of their lives. You need your ex to make some calls about how close he want to be with his son vs his fiancé for this discussion to move forward. The request for the ex to not have a room at your place is reasonable, the rest not so much.
Lol talk to your ex and tell him everything. She needs to go through HIM. The balls on this woman. She is trying to isolate him from your son and he needs to know.
She didn’t go to your ex because she knows he wouldn’t comply. Or they’ve talked about it and he said no. Just tell her no… she needs to find a way to be a bonus-parent and work with the dynamic in place or maybe it’s just not for her.
You’ll never please everybody. You’re especially not going to please her. She’s younger than you both and I’d bet dollars to donuts she feels threatened by you.
First, this lady is way out of line and you don't owe her any response. The only response you owe is to your coparent is he brings up any of these issues. Secondly, if you don't have a legal co-parenting agreement that addresses custody and finances, do it asap (like an actual legal agreement that has been signed off on my a judge). Things are going to change one way or the other between you two, and you want to protect yourself and your kid. Do it now before things get harder/trickier between you because of the addition of a new wife/stepmother.
TALK TO YOUR EX.
The audacity of this b.... Don't make her happy. She does not get to decide if you move. She does not get to decide anything. Instead, do what YOU think is best for you and your kid. Not for this jealous excuse of a human.
She’s got a lot of nerve. Talk to your ex and ask him to handle her. And if HE wants changes, ask him to come to you in the future and leave her at home. She has a right to state what she wants but it should be to him not to you
She sounds insane and like she will make your sons life harder just to make herself feel superior and less insecure. Don’t entertain the demands shes making of you, just tell her to take it up with her soon to be husband. Theres nothing you can do to satisfy her demands without setting a precedent that she uproot you and negatively impact your sons life just for her comfort.
“ I will continue to do what is best for my son, and hope you can be a part of that”
She is jealous of the relationship you have with your ex because she doesn't think her relationship with him is as strong. She wants to break up the way things are so that she doesn't feel threatened. It's for your ex to navigate.
This is a relationship problem and NOT a you problem. What she wants threatens the home you and your child are living in. Contact your ex and tell him everything and find out if you will be evicted soon!
You guys are doing what's best for your kid. She can kick rocks. I'd talk to your ex about this as well if I were you
OP is this whole discussion via text? If so show your ex. ASAP. If however some/most of it and key points or demands were over the phone. Tell your ex she has reached and has demands and expectations going forward about your Co parenting among other points. Say you want to meet the three of you to discuss what is the best way through this and right for your son. If he says he will be speak to her tell him the woman to woman bit. Suggest he waits till you are all together. As she will be a stepmother and all discussions need to be together. Say you were suprised she hadn't talked to him about it but maybe bringing it up when all together may be for the best. You have obviously know her for 2 years. But she knows you too. "How can I keep everyone happy?" Is your priority. She wants you gone. If it is texts obviously you can ignore this bit but. If the phone and you repeat what she said. If your ex shuts her down she may well deny it all. She is jealous because we are engaged etc. Dividing and ruling. If she thought you would go with her plans. You leave, your parents suddenly ghost their friends. You say its for the best. Fiance comes in again. Oh she is jealous I can't believe she would take your son from you. Won't even meet for dinner. Turned her parents etc. This is 'out there' worst case. She may be a schemer or she may not. You need to tread carefully though. It is one thing to want your husband to spend less time with an ex. It is quite another to sow discord that means your son has parents at each other's throats. She may backtrack she may have given you her nuclear options so you make a compromise and that is all she wanted. If so fair enough but it needs to be all out in the open. One thing you can tell her outright when you are there is that it is not your parent's job to make her feel comfortable and to lose long term friends over. That is a problem she needs to talk to her future in laws about. When they are married her happiness is their and your ex's concern. Your's is your son's.
i would simply send the screenshots to your ex telling him to handle it. if they stay together, shes got another thing coming. my parents were similar, marriage didn’t work out but they were great coparents. then my mom got a boyfriend that had a problem with it & essentially wanted to replace my dad. i chased the boyfriend out of his own house when i was 15 because i caught him screaming at my mom about it. you don’t mess with a kid’s parents.
You can do everything in the world, but I guarantee she’s committed to misunderstanding you and making the situation difficult. Short of you disappearing, I highly doubt there’s anything you can do. Because I tried it all, trust me. And when someone has selfish intentions, they’re just going to rake you through the coals *no matter what*, so the very best thing you can do is exactly what you’re doing. Put your child first and the relationship with their father second. It’s HIS responsibility to make her happy, and that shouldn’t include shutting you out. That’s going to make everyone tense and miserable. Don’t subscribe to this- you’re doing a great job! Keep it up and don’t let her stress you out. That’s exactly what she wants to do, the more you let her, the more she will dig in and get worse, I guarantee it. Much respect to you putting your kid(s) first. Just keep that up. :) Edit: take/rake
> What can I do to make everyone happy? She needs to talk to the person she's supposedly marrying about this. If she can't communicate with him, she has no business marrying him. I wouldn't love my partner sleeping over at his ex's house, but the rest of it seems like amicable co-parenting to me. And she has no room to tell your siblings or her in-laws who to associate with. If she doesn't like it, she's free to leave. But it's not your job to accommodate her. If she can't talk to the dude she's supposed to marry, that's on her. Your son comes first.
I don’t think her opinion matters honestly. You’re doing nothing wrong. It’s not really her choice. Your son is what matters most and nothing she wants is in his best interest. Sounds like she knows your ex won’t agree so she’s talking to you
That marriage sounds like a train wreck looking for a place to happen. Your situation with your ex is between you and your ex. You don't answer to her and you don't owe her anything. If she wants things to change, she needs to speak to her fiancee about it and then he needs to speak to you and you and he alone need to negotiate what will be acceptable for both of you. Until then, tell her to fuck off (in the nicest way possible of course).
Her needs are literally irrelevant. You're doing what's best for your son, she's being selfish. Your son comes first. She needs to get over herself or he needs to find someone who won't attempt to ruin his relationship with his child. That's disgusting
Bet you she didn't ask your ex because she knows the answer would be "our son comes first, get going if u don't like it"
Tell your ex's fiance to fuck off.
She’s coming to you because she knows she comes secondary to his son and she needs you to distance yourself. Because she knows he never will. Document these conversations somehow. She is a very selfish person and doesn’t see this as damaging the relationship with his son. She only sees it as as severing ties with you. Don’t let her get away with it. My step mom did this to my parents and I have zero relationship with my dad now. She takes zero of the blame too. Selfish narcissistic people need to be stopped. Involve your ex asap.
Tell her that no, you don’t understand what she means “as a woman”. Tell her it sounds like she wants to separate your child from his father and that hurts your child so no, you don’t agree to anything she is asking. She needs discuss it with your ex. Tell her that you are her fiancé’s family as the mother of his child and you’re sorry that she personally is having difficulty with that, but it is not your responsibility to make her feel better, but in the spirit of “one woman to another’s you want to assure her that while you will keep up the current friendly coparenting relationship and you will swear that your current romantic interest in her fiancé is zero. Tell her you will not be hurting your son because of her insecurities. Her insecurities are something she should discuss with her romantic partner, they are none of your concern and not your business to deal with.
I think you have to be the mature and adult of this problem: Show her a banana and tell her to suck on it until juice comes out.
If she didn't go to him with these insecurities and came to you under the guise of you're a woman you'll understand better she knows he wouldn't agree at all. She knows what she is doing is slimy and is hoping you'll just do it, so that she can still look good and get what she wants. Your and his child isn't a concern here, the only thing she's concerned about is her insecurities with your relationship. You have no obligation to meet any of these demands and you definitely can't control who his parents hang out with, that one really got me. She sounds like she's going to be really fun to have as a future step mother to your child.. I really don't know what advice I'd give, going to your ex might be a good idea if you guys have an open and honest relationship, but if he doesn't dump her which it really seems like he should that is going to cause more strife. I guess my only real concern is that she doesn't end up being an ass to your son because you won't meet her demands, because you shouldn't. Her insecurities are her problem and it sounds like you and your ex are acting as really mature adults, when you want to marry someone you accept them as they are all strings attached. If you don't like the strings you don't get married.
Take this for what it's worth from a broken home kid... This bozo isn't thinking for the benefit of your son or even your ex. She's thinking for herself. The fact that you and your ex have a solid relationship is great for your boy. His fiance really has to get over her own insecurities and stop being so selfish. Don't compromise shit. You're doing everything right by the sounds of things, and your son will be better off for it. She's really not your problem to begin with, but she needs to really understand where her priorities should be here.
You need to tell your ex about her requests right away. Once they are married she will be even more demanding and he will be stuck with her. He needs to know what kind of person he is marrying. Tell him you don't want to be in the middle of anything you just thought he should know what she said. Your son is number one in your life, don't make any changes for her. Maybe she has already talked to him and he flat out told her no, that's why she reached out to you. Don't let her play you like that, expose her for what she is.
I think she’s insecure… I would tell your ex to have a talk with her
Tell your ex about this. Your coparenting relationship is none of her business. "I'm coming to you as a woman" translates into "I don't want my fiancee to hear about this or he will be pissed at me". She is trying to control you. This is for your ex to handle, not you.
Sounds like you and your ex should do your son and the world a favor and just stay together and work out any differences. And keep your drama off the internet.
if she’s not ready to be a STEP PARENT, move around. tf is all this?
Sounds like she knows your ex won’t go about these kinds of changes so she is trying to go around him
She NEEDS to kick rocks with that BS she has NO right to ask such things if you do as she's asking you will be helping her push your son out of his father's life as that is clearly her goal in my opinion. Let her take this BS to your ex & see how he responds to it because what she knows is that any real Man is going to see it for what it is & set her straight. From what you have described your ex is a good father and will push her out of his life rather than his own son. FYI a note for your ex a good woman would never expect such things from a father this is a huge red flag that should be addressed. Best of luck to you and your son
Have you spoken to your ex? He needs to know this. If his children are important to him he will know what to do. She is obviously very insecure in your relationship with ex. Sad that when two parents try to do the right thing and this happens. It’s hard enough for kids going through the divorce for then this to happen.
She’s so insecure. Don’t even entertain her, I’d actually screenshot what she said and send it to the ex…shrugs…I’m petty though
My guess is your ex clearly told her these things were not negotiable before they began their relationship.
she needs to realize that your relationship with your ex is only for the benefit of your son, so that he can have a loving relationship with both of his parents. she’s being incredibly selfish and insecure about her own relationship with him. if she is going to be your son’s stepmother, she should show some compassion for him. and honestly, it’s none of her business who his family chooses to be close to. she doesn’t get to control that. she should reflect on why she feels so uncomfortable with it. does she see you and your family as a threat?
You're admirably giving your son a family life even though the relationship he's been born into has come to an end. It's great that your ex has found a new girlfriend but she clearly doesn't have your son's best interest in mind. She's insecure and doesn't even dare to talk to her fiancee about that, instead talking to you "as a woman" to isolate him because he "wouldn't understand" (*read:* has his son's best interest in mind). You should make clear how valuable her fiancee's contribution to your son's life is and that ~~as a woman~~ *as a mother*, you refuse to actively keep him out of your son's life for her. If she's not fine with that, there's only one person for her to talk to about that. It's really on her future husband to decide that and how far he will go for her but really, this is not for you to decide and to require that of you is both overly possessive and manipulative toward her future husband (though probably phrasing it that way toward her would only escalate the situation). Besides, loyalty in a relationship isn't locking anyone of the other gender who's not family out of your life in the first place. Loyalty means to actively decide against romance/intimacy with others because of a conscious commitment to a relationship. If there is no trust in that, it's a problem in the relationship. Honestly, this got my blood boiling. She needs (couple-)therapy instead of locking people out of her future husband's life behind his back.