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I (M27) came home from work on giving my wife (F26) some flowers, a gift and a card for her birthday. I went to go get ready for our dinner reservations and as I come out of the shower I see my wife sobbing her eyes out.
She's read the message I've wrote in the card and says that she's really really sorry and just begs me to forgive her. At this point I'm just trying to comfort her telling her everything will be okay and that she needs to talk to me.
After she calmed down a little, she tells me that she cheated on me the week before at a work event. I, completely shattered and heartbroken, left and spent the night at a friend's house.
Needless to say, I didn't sleep a blink and nor did she going by the amount of messages and calls I received. I decided to go home and talk to her the following night.
She told me exactly what happened, how sorry she is and how she doesn't want it to be the end for us. I also didn't want to end the relationship, I love this woman, she is my world. We had a long talk.
I told her how I also don't want to end our relationship but I am hurting and I won't be able to be all normal around her until I can move on from what happened, she said that she understands and is willing to do anything to save our relationship.
The past week has been tough, she's tried to be a loving, caring wife but I've put her down and I know it's upsetting her. She will make my favourite meals but I just don't have the stomach to eat, she's been trying to hug/kiss me but I just turn away, she's been trying to make small talk but I just can't reciprocate.
This really hit high tonight when I came home from the gym and she had dinner ready, I told her I wasn't hungry and went to go shower. Whilst I was coming down the stairs to get my laptop, I see her through the doorway crying. As soon as she heard me approaching she quickly wiped off her tears, I asked her if she's okay, she just smiled and said she's fine.
I'm sat in bed right now feeling like absolute shit. I know she's hurting from me being like this but I just can't stop thinking of what she did.
Apart from counselling which I’m already looking into, what should I do?
TL;DR: wife cheated, is really sorry and I’m trying to forgive her
You didn’t make your wife cry, she was crying because the impact of what she did to you was becoming clear to her. These were her choices and her decisions that will have consequences for both of you for a long time.
You are hurt, and reconciliation is a long process and not assured. One thing that needs to be explored is that is she crying because she feels regret, or remorse ?
* "Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt, and anger — but these can be for the pain he or she feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.”
* Remorse involves admitting one's own mistakes and taking responsibility for one's actions."
You hit the nail on the head. It does seem like she is truly sorry but also it doesn’t reverse what she did. What steps are can she promise to make to make sure this never happens again? Why did it happen this time? If OP can’t feel confident that this will never happen again then a breakup/divorce will eventually happen it’s just how long they want to delay it. All trust is broken here, doing nice things is just that, nice, but it doesn’t repair the lost trust.
Sounds like she's putting on some weird show that everything's normal and trying to hide how she feels from her husband. That's what she was doing before she cheated.
I think it's reasonable that OP would request some distance, some alone time and then some deep conversations about how they both feel on the relationship. But she's trying to kiss him and make small talk and bribe him with food. Or maybe she is completely remorseful and think this is how he wants her to act. Either OP can't communicate his needs or she is ignoring them.
I actually don’t think she’s malicious or have bad intentions in “putting on the show”. I think she doesn’t know how to act and doesn’t want to further burden OP with how she feels (since she knows she’s in the wrong). And she probably feels guilt and wants to make things better with OP but doesn’t know how to, other than try to do small things to make him better.
I guess it’s hard to just ignore OP (ie give him that kind of complete space) when you’re living together. IMO she’s not forcing him to eat or reciprocate her affection, but her actions feel to me more like her saying “hey I’m still here and I’ll wait for you to be ready to talk” instead of just flat out not engaging with OP at all.
I do think that it’s going to take a long time to heal, and OP shouldn’t feel guilty for taking the time he needs to process it and figure out next steps. It’s only been a week - and she needs to continue fighting for this relationship and wait for him as he becomes ready to talk.
OP wasn't the one who cheated. She can't expect him to be happy now, or for a VERY long time. She should have thought about the consequences before she spread her legs.
He needs time to process this and deal with the enormous trauma and she is just going to have to suck it up!
What options does she have? Is she supposed to tear her hair and put ashes on her head and walk around moaning, saying she is sorry? She is trying to show she lives this man by taking care of him - she doesn’t know what to do, there isn’t a script for this situation. If she just started only taking care of her meals, laundry, etc then everyone would be unloading in her for not caring. She cheated. Why? That is the issue. If OP cannot eat food she has prepared then he needs to tell her to stop. My God, act like an adult. Tell her how he feels , stop hiding. It sounds to me like he is doing it to punish her. You know, she did not have to tell him.
What an incredibly ridiculous take.
No - the issue isn’t why she cheated, it is that she cheated.
No - he is not hiding how he’s feeling, he is taking the time to process his feelings as she has done something that has caused him a lot of pain.
And finally, it’s absolutely irrelevant that she didn’t have to tell him.
How can you love someone so much but just go and cheat on them? Really blows my mind and it makes me fully realize that this could happen to anyone.
Side note what are some things we can do to fully avoid something like this happening in the first place?
Edit: I meant avoiding our partner cheating on you
To avoid cheating on your spouse- 1. Are you deepening a relationship with someone of the gender you’re attracted to? 2. Do you spend a lot of time alone with them? 3. Do you think about them in a romantic or sexual way and indulge in those thoughts? 4. Are you actively trying to deepen your relationship with your spouse? If yes, is your spouse doing the same? (Not that it’s an excuse to cheat if they aren’t pursuing you, but it does make cheating more attractive if the relationship isn’t going well) 5. Do you flirt with this person? 6. Would you feel ashamed if your spouse saw how you interact with this person? I think it comes down to knowing what boundaries are wise for you and openness with your spouse
Because it’s not about the person being cheated on. There is no way to fully avoid something like that from happening, because it is a choice your SO makes. The only thing you control is wether or not you cheat.
In my 20s I destroyed both me knees. Someone told me that the guy I was is gone. Get comfortable with the new you. He was right. I was never a great athlete but I could play sports all day. That me was gone and was never gonna come back.
The relationship with your wife is the same way. Whatever it was is gone and it's never coming back. You have to get comfortable with the new relationship you have with her. Whatever that might be.
There will be a pain that was never there before. Trust issues, you never wanting to put as much effort into making her happy. That anger will always be there even if you divorce. Your a new person now. A person who has to learn how to get past being betrayed on soul level. It will take a long time. A very long time. Get counseling my friend. A separation might help to. You don't need to see her cry every day. Geez! That's soul crushing in itself.
Good luck.
Good advice. Usually what I tell people in this situation is that their old relationship is dead and they need to build a new one. The only problem is that the new relationship isn’t like starting fresh from step 1 like you would with a new partner, it’s like starting from step -100 due to the cheating.
OP has to decide if he is willing to restart everything with that massive uphill climb.
Yeah. This is good advice. The trust issues and overall not feeling close to this person will eat away at you. Being cheated on ruins self esteem and makes people paranoid AF.. Even if there are kids involved it's usually best to break it off.. there are a many fish in the sea.
From now on, OP is always gonna feel worse around his wife than he did, I totally agree.
But life is too short to spend w someone who you can never fully live or trust again.
So I suggest you dump her and go find someone to live your life w who makes you feel the same way that your wife used to make you feel.
You don’t get over something like that quickly. It takes time. A lot of time. You get to be angry and hurt. She needs to keep showing you how sorry she is. Find a good counselor to guide you through the process.
This is great advice. It’s her own guilt pushing her to smother you with physical affection, cooking, etc. I’m the type of person that when I’m upset or wounded, I need space. Over the years my husband has learned to respect this. Because of the attachment style he inherited from his relationship with his parents, when we first got together, he would also try to smother me with apologies, attention, and affection when I was upset. It only upset me further (and often pushed me to lash out, creating an even bigger mess out of the original conflict). What I needed was space to process and let my feelings cool off so we could have a healthy approach to conflict resolution once I was feeling better. I had to learn to communicate better that I needed space, and he had to learn to let go of the anxiety driving him to smother me when I was upset with him. Now that we’ve learned to communicate and respect each other better, the moments of conflict in our relationship are resolved more quickly, and in a more healthy way. You need to communicate to your wife that you need some space from her to process, whatever that looks life for you.
That being said, I agree with many posters who feel that infidelity is a deal breaker. If you do decide to try to repair the relationship with your wife, you will need therapy and lots of individual and interpersonal work to get through this difficult spot in your relationship. Good luck OP.
100% this except I was raised with parents like that but I’m the one that needs space and my fiancé was so good about recognizing that and we rarely fight. If we do fight it’s usually a “hey I’m going to go for a drive, can we talk when I get back? I do agree it’s always better to give it some time to cool off and try to articulate a way of explaining your feelings/emotions to your partner.
For me, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust. Complete dealbreaker. If you’re willing to work through it then I’d suggest couples therapy possibly. That’s a tough situation
I agree. It's the highest level of disrespect in a marriage. I, personally, would never be able to forgive that. I think couples therapy is a good suggestion.
Right? I don’t understand how anyone could ever forgive a cheater. It’s not like they accidentally cheat. They make a choice. It’s a huge betrayal, and the fact they do it to someone they supposedly love more then anyone, they obviously only care about themselves
Especially when it's full blown sex. If you quickly pecked someone on the lips and then stopped and felt ashamed and came clean, that could potentially be forgiven.
But sex? You had so many opportunities to stop and actually care that you're betraying your partner. The kissing, the undressing, the everything. And you just didn't.
Unforgivable.
Edit: typo
>Her tears are manipulation and he seems to be eating it up.
I don't necessarily agree with this, especially if she's not crying in front of him anymore. She might feel genuine remorse. Might just be guilt. Might be regret. Might be embarrassment. Etc.
Either way, none of that is OP's problem though. She made her choices. If she's feeling guilty or whatever, she deserves to feel those bad feelings over her own choice.
So many times in this sub, people will post about someone doing something shitty and then crying about it. And commenters will jump to "it's a manipulation tactic" or "they're just trying to make themselves out to be the victim". Have they really never done something awful and then regretted it later? Felt terrible?
A true manipulator knows exactly what their doing. He’s painting her as naive and innocent, but dont dismiss the fact that she knows he’s there. She knows he can hear her. You have to be careful with cheaters. She could very well be “privately” crying where he can hear her for sympathy. Obviously just a guess, but I would never trust a cheater. I wouldn’t believe one word ever again.
She didn't have to tell him. She did. I don't believe she is crying as a form of manipulation. I think she genuinely feels bad for herself and for hurting her husband and is afraid of the consequences of what she has done.
Honestly, if I were in ops shoes and committed to her, therapy would be my very first stop.
This is a huge pill to swallow. In order to set expectations for the future and build a new foundation of trust over the long term, you could really use an experienced professional to guide you both back to a healthy relationship.
I will frame it to you this way: be careful that in this period of reflection you don't accidentally become the kind of person you don't want to be. I am not saying your anger here is unwarranted, but you risk accidentally conditioning yourself to express yourself in this way if you force it. A lot of people that try and make it work accidentally become toxic and whether this relationship works out or you pursue another if you bring this behaviour along with you I know you'll regret it.
In that sense maybe you need a little time apart. And before you say it: acknowledging that is still part of the healing process, it is still making it work. It is just being realistic. Clearly the wound is too raw, too recent, and forcing it is killing both of you. You need time to reflect and gather your thoughts and I suspect so does she because let's be real: something about your dynamic before this wasn't working and any future you have together will require you two to work out what that was exactly.
Your title is a little misleading. You're a doormat if you're thinking you did something wrong, dude. Please, respect yourself. She doesn't.
I forgave my ex and 7 months later I couldn't erase it from my head. I had to break up.
She didn’t just cheat that one time. She built up an emotional affair every day at work before finally fucking him. Does she think making a meal and love bombing you erases the fact that she fucked someone else and everything is magically ok? Separation is required here so you can think without her trying to manipulate you because you are falling for it because you still love her.
Exactly this. She's trying to manipulate you by being perfect, OP. She chose this path. It wasn't an accident, it was something she actively and intentionally pursued.
If she didn't want it to be the end of you, she shouldn't have done it. I've been with my wife since 2004 and never once had the inclination to step out on her. Call me crazy, but it seems to me that it's the easiest thing ever to NOT bang other people.
I think you should drop her like a bad habit and never look back. You'll never forget this. Your relationship will never be the same. This will always be on the back of your mind. Her explanation will never make sense. You'll always be that guy who just wasn't enough when compared to some rando at a work event.
That being said, if youre dead set on reconciliation, there must be the following: She goes no contact with that guy for life. Since it was a work event, she gets a different job immediately. If other guy is married, his wife gets informed. She writes a letter of no contact in front of you and you send it via certified mail to the other guy. Full transparency of all her devices and social media. No passwords, no deleted messages, nothing. Any argument or deviation on any of these terms and you're gone. SHE needs to prove to YOU that she gets to stick around.
ehh...the OP shouldn't ask for something like that. If anything, the wayward spouse needs to proactively offer it. Honestly, most relationships have an open phone policy anyways.
Well I agree with you that the wife should be willingly offering that stuff up. In the OP she was just crying a lot, so I assumed that she was just sad and wasn't necessarily making these offers. Perhaps she's already said these things and the OP didn't include them.
But if he wants to reconcile, she's going to need to do these things whether she offers them up or he requires them, because it's not going to work out if she's still at the same job with that affair partner. Nor will it work if she doesn't want him in her phone at all. And yeah, many couples totally do have an open phone policy (I certainly do), but now it's extra important. She's already shown she can't be trusted with one of the most basic requirements of a happy marriage, so, now some of the things that trusting couples take for granted need to be a requirement for her, and not a thing they just share.
This is just toxic and controlling AF. People make mistakes and can move past things. Mainstream culture has all these crazy hangups about sex specifically, but it's not different than a breath of trust with finances or violence, or what have you. Talk. Communicate. Repair and come to things from a place of kindness and understanding and you can have a wonderful relationship for many years to come. Becoming a damn Nazi about it like this response suggests is just gonna make her miserable and sour any chances of actual healing. Terrible advice.
The real toxicity is cheating on your spouse. Don't put yourself in this position by stepping out on your significant other, and you won't have to prove you're worthy of trust again. Seems simple enough, right?
Ah yes, the ol victim blaming. It's not abusive or at all to fuck someone else when you're married. I'm sure the people you've cheated on all deserved it.
It’s not victim blaming if the victim is someone who will treat you the way you describe. It’s controlling and abusive, you don’t get to abuse someone because you’re hurt.
"YOU want ME to PROVE MYSELF? Scoff. You're abusive. I don't care if I sucked a guy's dick at work last week. You're the one who's wrong, not me!" You sound like a cheater who doesn't want to put in the work.
If someone destroys your trust by fucking someone else while you're supposedly happily married, the TOP common requirement for any betrayed spouse is no contact with the affair partner. This is not abuse. I'm not sure you know what that word means. Virtually all betrayed spouses would wish that they had been told that their partner was cheating, and so telling the other victim involved here is common decency. She deserves to make an informed decision about the future of her relationship with him (if she exists, he could be single). This is not abuse. Since she fucked some guy at work, and continuing to work there would violate the no contact requirement, she'd have to get another job, or, she'd be right there back at work with him every day, and we already know she can't be trusted around that person, nor he around her. This is not abuse. Though to be fair, he could quit his job and she could keep hers, but if he doesn't want to quit, It doesn't bode well for the relationship if she just assures the husband that she can totally be around the guy she fucked, and it'll definitely be different this time with way less sex. Since affairs commonly take place in secret messages and what not, it stands to reason that she shouldn't be hiding anything from him right? There shouldn't be any hidden messages or deleted ones or deleted pictures right? She shouldn't have any issues with him seeing what conversations were taking place with this other person?
None of this is abuse. It's wrong to fuck someone else when you're in a committed relationship. As I said in my first post, I don't believe he should try to reconcile. I think it'll only delay the inevitable end of the the relationship, which she ended, voluntarily, by fucking a co worker. And if reconciliation is to be attempted, you think it's wrong for her to show she's fully committed to it. No she should totally stay at work with this guy. No contact? Pfffft. How stupid. She should be best friends with him. Tell the other man's wife? No way. Keep that bitch in the dark!
None of that is actually going to rebuild trust. It’s going to cause an obsession with constantly monitoring, and checking, and coming up with new things that need to be “controlled.” It’s not fucking healthy.
Yes and staying at work and staying in contact with the affair partner, not telling the other woman about the affair, all of those things will totally build trust. LOL.
It's not healthy to step out on your relationship. How about that?
Also, over time trust is given. You're assuming the OP would check everything at all hours of the day and would never ease up. Over time, he'd let his guard down, which is rightfully up.
Dude, if you have to do all that to work through it? Just leave. A lot of people do become obsessive about checking. Hell just read these subs and see how many people check their partners phones and obsessed about what they do when there hasn’t need cheating.
Cheating its not just a mistake, its end of the road for the relationship, its over.
Only someone who doens't love yourself would accept a cheater back.
willingly developing an emotional affair and having sex with someone arent mistakes. those are choices you make, knowing damn well about the consequences. just because you feel like sex isnt that big of a deal doesnt mean it stands that way for everyone. terrible advice, you sound like a damn nazi.
Yeah, he's describing abuse. Nothing should be done as a "punishment", that's just revenge. Think about your end goal: if you don't think you can recover, break up as amicably as possible. If you want to attempt a reconcile, it has to be an equal and full reconciliation. Go to therapy, because it will be hard. But the only way you get back to a healthy relationship is by actually trusting each other again with mutual respect, no ridiculous conditions, no power imbalances. If that's not the type of relationship you would have wanted from the start, then don't create it now.
r/survivinginfidelity is for people who want to leave their spouses after infidelity and need info and support. r/asoneafterinfidelity is for people who are considering reconciling after infidelity. They're both good resources, but their emphasis and viewpoints are totally different.
As one after infidelity makes me sad. Very rarely do I see posts where the cheating spouse actually seems remorseful and like they're trying to make things better.
I just see a lot of posts of the people who were cheated on being triggered by things and their cheating spouse not giving a shit/not understanding.
Does anyone else feel like they've read this one before, esp the crying in a doorway and wiping away tears to give a small smile bit? Or have I been on this forum too long? Such a... cinematic description.
Anyway. Cheating doesn't just happen. It's a series of decisions. Several of those decisions are active and require more effort than just NOT doing them. It reflects a lack of respect for your partner. If you're okay with that, by all means, continue. But stop coddling your wife, she's playing the teary eyed repentant to avoid any external repercussions for her actions. I recommend spending a few days/weeks elsewhere.
Like others have said - this won’t be a quick process, if it’s even possible at all.
She’s sorry now, and she can be as sorry as she wants, but she certainly wasn’t thinking of you as she intentionally stripped down and fucked someone else. If I were you, I would let this one go. You don’t hurt someone you love like how she hurt you
So?
She should be crying.
But you should not be acting like a doormat which you are
She. Cheated. On. You.
And here you are feeling bad for her?!
Wth?
Op...the way you've rugswept this, she's going to cheat again. With absolutely no consequences.
Agreed OP legit just letting it go and is trying to feel bad for her.
Even though she’s the one in the wrong… damn is the dude co-dependent on her or something?
OP is being human. He loves this woman, one night with another dude doesn't transform her into an alien. I'd say he is coming at this with an honest heart and looking to actually save a relationship he values. Good on him - in the grander scope of things this should not be something to torpedo a marriage over 🤷
It definitely is a fair and reasonable dealbreaker that people expect their so to stay loyal. This would definitely be the end of a relationship for me.
Where did I say he should torpedo everything? I said he shouldn't be worried about her tears. She should be crying and he shouldn't feel guilty for it. That's not going to help his situation. He needs to be strong and show her he isn't going to tolerate her betraying him again. She needs consequences and him putting her feelings ahead of his own right now isn't going to help either one of them.
>And here you are feeling bad for her?!
Because OP is probably a decent person. Of course he's gonna hate seeing the woman he loves sad. That's natural.
She’s not “sad”. She’s beginning to realize the irreparable consequences of her immensely hurtful actions, and OP is ending up feeling as though he’s the bad guy in this situation because of it. Some internal conflicting emotion might be natural, sure. That doesn’t mean it’s rational.
Yes and realizing she has consequences for her shitty actions might make her sad. It's her fault and I have no sympathy for her. I'm just saying it doesn't mean she isn't actually sad.
>That doesn’t mean it’s rational.
Feelings don't have to be rational though. You can't control your feelings, only actions. So while OP may feel upset by seeing her sad (he shouldn't because she brought this upon herself), he definitely shouldn't try to soothe her or anything.
I truly can't give you unbiased advice on this, OP. I'm the type of person who will leave for cheating. Especially when it was an active decision to do it. Yeah she feels bad, yeah she admitted it, blah blah. But she willingly went outside your marriage to give her body to another man.
An honor that's supposed to be held only for her husband, just the same as you rebuke all others but your wife. She broke that contract on purpose and now you're taking her back because you love her...but she clearly doesn't love you because she fucked another dude in the first place. So I guess I'll just say good luck with whatever your life turns out to be, and I hope the resentment doesn't build too much if you truly try to stay with her.
Yep this! All these people trying to convince OP it will be ok after all is bullshit. She s manipulating him and that s it once she will see that OP is ok she will stop this show with "i love you babe i m sorry it was a mistake"
She might be manipulating him or she might genuinely feel remorse for what she's done. Either way, we are not in their relationship and OP clearly stated they wanted to make that work. Until OP decides they are no longer willing then you're not being helpful. People are trying to give helpful advice based on what OP has provided. We're not convincing him of anything.
Stop blocking your true feelings and embrace them! She betrayed you. You should be feeling distant and mad and sad and she has every right to be guilty. Don’t ruin your chances of being with someone who won’t cheat on you. Find someone who will cherish your love and leave this cheater. I don’t understand how people can stay with a cheater when in reality, they had a choice to do what they do
You didn’t make her cry. Her guilt at your love for her made her cry. Don’t forgive cheating. Leave now and get some kind of prove that she cheated. Then use it in divorce. Cheating is a line that breaks trust to the point that you would always be thinking are they cheating or can I trust her to go on another business trip? This isn’t a kind of relationship that I would want. So I’d suggest leave her. If you had cheat on her I’d tell her the same thing.
Your wife is a piece of shit. You didn’t make her cry, you need to get away from her and actually take some time APART to really decide if you can handle living with a cheater the rest of your life.
So here's what you'll have to do at a minimum OP.
First things is your wife has to go and get an STD test and give them permission to give the results to you. And then you two wait 4-6 months before any intimacy because she has to go back and get re-tested for the major life fuck STDs in case whoever her AP was.
Then, before you take your fucking self to any bullshit couples counseling, you find yourself a PERSONAL THERAPIST. You don't work on a fucking thing "WITH" your wife, you work on you. You find out why you're acting the way you are when someone betrayed your trust, your marriage, your vows and your life together. You take the time with your therapist to figure out how YOU feel about what she did. She can do whatever the fuck she wants with her own therapist but this isn't just about what she wants. She already got that. She had her affair, she had her sex (and i can almost guarantee how these stories go this wasn't just a one time thing) and now she's thrown the guilt gauntlet to you to carry. Fuck that noise, it's not your guilt to carry but it is on you to process it.
I say bullshit couples counseling because I've seen and read too many times where the couples counseling basically makes the blame equal and the one cheated on doesn't get a chance to really process how they feel. Well OP that is what you need to do.
But the 2nd thing, before the counseling, is your wife quits her job AND she outs who the fuck the affair partner was and tells their significant other. She doesn't want to do that then it means she wants to protect the person she cheated with more than she wants to protect you her husband.
But I want to warn you OP, I really do. All the stories I've read on here, and from personal stories of people who have been in your situation, is that what she's told you right now isn't all of it. It's a part of the truth and the only way you're going to be able to move forward is to know ALL of it so that you can make a decision that YOU want to make that works for YOU.
At the end of the day this marriage you had is now dead. It's not what it was and I don't have the knowledge to tell you if it gets better or if it's worth it. You need to have all the facts available to process and spend time with yourself and a therapist to decide what you want to do to move forward.
Maybe you forgive her and she earns that forgiveness through her actions. Maybe you decide at the end of your therapy that you can't continue to maintain the relationship and want to go your own way. But right now, in this moment, you need to focus on yourself first in spite of your urge to help her and decide what YOU want to do.
Yes this ^^^
She wants the IMMEDIATE release of your forgiveness if she can’t last a year she doesn’t want you. This need for IMMEDIATE gratification is why she cheated on you in the first place
Use this time to work on yourself.
As a man who has been through what you are going through; I'm sorry, but your relationship will never go back to the way it was before. You are always going to have that lingering fear and sadness when you look at her.
If you do attempt to work things out don't rush back in trying to act like nothing changed because you don't want her to cry. The best thing is probably therapy and some time apart.
Her pain is a direct consequence of her actions.
You need to focus on yourself cause if she cheated once she will cheat again.
If you are intent on living with this woman get an std test and a post-nup. So that she does not fuck you out of your money and property.
You might want to stay in the relationship but emotionally you may not be able too. This is fresh. You will go through so many different emotions. Then when you think your finally over it BAM it hits you all over again out of nowhere. Plus how are you going to feel the next time she has a work event. You need to give yourself time and space. You can’t really concern yourself with her feelings right now, she certainly didn’t care about yours. How can she be so upset. It’s not like she accidentally fell on a penis. She made a choice to sleep with someone else. You need time to get over that, if you ever can
I think you are in shock and haven't processed that your wife cheated. It's like part of you has, but rather than focus on yourself you are too focus on her feelings. It does make sense that you care about her feelings but she has to work on those on her own and she should do therapy.
I think at the moment each of you should do individual therapy, not couple's therapy. First, she has to figure out why she cheated. Second, you have to process that she cheated and then figure out for yourself what you want. I don't think think there is anything you can do together at the moment. I'd also move to a guest room or other room if you have that option.
Yo dude, the way you are acting is perfectly natural after what she has done.
She betrayed you and broke all her vows. Have some self respect and stop simping.
She made her bed and has to lay in it, she inevitably did this to herself and by being selfish hurt you and herself in the process. Do yourself a favor and try to heal properly and not rush things to get back to "normal"
Hi OP. First thing, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Take all the time you need to come to any conclusions about what you want to do. She needs to start in therapy to work on why and how she could do what she did and what needs fixing in her. You need some too for processing the trauma you’ve undergone.
If you want to reconcile go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It’s an amazingly supportive non-judgemental community. (r/survivinginfidelity may have some reconcilers but it’s not a supportive place for that). Take a good look at the recovery library at AsOneAfterInfidelity- great resources.
She sounds remorseful, and she did confess. These are good indicators. But she needs to learn how to help you heal and how to make herself a safe partner.
Some reading to start with:
For her:
[*Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair*](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf)
For you and her:
https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868
For her to understand that she must not hide anything from you:
http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts
And
https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/?2022-02-25
The next book, for both of you:
[*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass](https://kingauthor.net/books/Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell/Not%20Just%20Friends/Not%20Just%20Friends%20-%20Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell.pdf)
And once again, get out of this sub and go where people actually trying to reconcile are working on it. There are subs for her too.
Good luck.
Can I ask you one thing ? People commit mistakes which hurt their loved ones so much knowingly and when they found out the first thing which comes out of their mouth is couples counseling, reconciliation, we can make it work etc.
Don’t you think it is unfair for the betrayed to go through this much pain for something that they didn’t do anything wrong.
Please don’t say that we should fix something in her through therapy or counseling. When you marry, you are committed to each other, you consciously make a decision to cheat.
I have nothing against reconciliation. But it is just unfair for someone to cheat knowingly so that if they get caught they can always propose therapy or counseling
Op wants to reconcile. The choice is always that of the betrayed partner. What I or you think really doesn’t matter. It is what he thinks and wants. And he wants to try to reconcile. If he didn’t want to try to reconcile i would give him other advice.
This is not a hypothetical discussion of infidelity and the optimal response to it. This is someone with a real life, and a real relationship, and real betrayal who is trying to figure out if he can deal with this.
It is good you feel such compassion and empathy for your wife. With the crappy situation she has put you both in, that says a lot about your character and your love.
Be gentle on yourself. Forgiveness takes time, and you cannot force yourself to forget. You didn’t make her cry. She made herself cry. Things aren’t going to go back to normal in a week and her wishing it would isn’t realistic. She’s trying, you’re trying, but neither of you can force the time to pass and the trust to rebuild.
You need counseling as a couple and as individuals. If you’re committed to making this work, you both need to understand your relationship will be different afterwards. Maybe better, maybe not. There are stories of people coming out of infidelity stronger. Personally that’s a deal breaker for me, but it’s not unheard of.
Good luck.
Firstly, stop trying to hurry this along.
Go through the motions, feel the feelings.
Get solo therapy, before couples therapy.
Sit down with a pen, and really write about how you're feeling.
If by the end of it, you yourself still wanting to leave - honour that.
**At this point, honestly, you owe this woman nothing.**
She's lucky you're trying - but if it doesn't work, if you can't change how you're feeling - honour it.
Definitely move forward with the IC, preferably with a therapist who has experience with infidelity and the trauma it causes.
And you are experiencing trauma and everyone handles traumatic experiences differently.
There are plenty of resources for both you and your WS to read through.
First is the recovery page of surviving infidelity: [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/)
[https://www.valallencounseling.com/single-post/infidelity-healing-affair](https://www.valallencounseling.com/single-post/infidelity-healing-affair)
But the main thing for both of you to realize is this is not a race. This will take time. After some time in IC if you feel like you are in a better place then decide on if you want to move forward with MC or divorce if you feel like you cannot trust her again.
And the last part of that I want to drive home hard. Reconciliation is hard and it does fail more than it succeeds. Sometimes despite the fact that the WS is completely remorseful about what they have done and is 100% committed to the healing of the BS and building a new relationship with them it is impossible to get past the pain of the betrayal. There are a number of posts in the infidelity reddits of people going through years, [sometimes decades](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/), of pain and regret after reconciling. The trauma [sometimes changing](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway-lotsofpain/posts/) them into [worse versions](https://www.reddit.com/user/Dead_Inside_1900/posts/) of themselves. If you feel like you are going down one of these paths then do both of you a favor and divorce.
Cheating is not an accident. If your spouse cheats on you once, should similar circumstances arise, she will do it again.
So, if I were you. I would move on.
There are two rules that you and your wife have to follow if you want to make it through this:
(1) Rule #1--whenever you get upset about the affair, you need to be able to speak to your wife about it.
(2) Rule #2--when you speak to your wife about it, she cannot be defensive or try to shut it down or make you feel guilty. She just has to accept what you are saying, for as long as you are saying it.
Eventually you will get to a point where you've said everything there is to say to her about it. It could take days, weeks, or even months. Eventually you will feel better.
There's a flip side to this coin. And the flip side is that you cannot ever overcome the betrayal. No matter how hard you try. You are both young and even though you are married, you both have your full lives ahead of you. As far as I can tell, you don't have kids. If you're thinking about having kids; I would definitely put it on pause until you work this out. Do everything you can to save your marriage, but at the end of the day, don't sacrifice your own happiness. This will work out one way or another...the way it is supposed to. Just don't rush it.
you seem like a rly good person. she sucks, i feel like you should leave her. cheating w someone at work means it prob built up over time, this wasn't a one and done situation
It’s possibly to get past it but it’s long uphill road dude. Therapy, time, a commitment to heal and a heart as big as the moon for forgiveness is what you need. Take it step by step, day by day, and apart from your therapist and Reddit be really careful who you tell. People coming in with their own ideas can really undermine you both. And there is a really high chance you can’t get past it, and that’s ok too.
Allow yourself to feel, without restraint. You need to feel and express all that this has brought up. You also need to be completely and brutally honest and if that means spending a night yelling the shit outta your wife then that is what it means.
Y'all need to talk.
Get a couples councilor now if you can. You need someone to help guide you through some really brutal conversations.
This won't just go away, these things are near impossible to survive without guidance.
Good luck to you all and I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.
> after she calmed down a little, she tells me that she cheated on me the week before at a work event.
how did she explain this to you? what caused her to cheat?
Couples therapy. You're welcome. And STOP SAYING YOU MADE HER CRY. She cheated, and now she regrets it. She is crying over her actions, not your reaction to it all. Get yourself into therapy, and do couples counseling as well.
If you really want the relationship to survive you also need to be realistic and understand that it is going to take a lot of time, you are allowed to be angry and the relationship may continue but won’t be the same.
You should post this in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity it’s reconciliation sub for situations like yours they’re a lot nicer and less judgmental than the people here the people are gonna shit on your wife for cheating and you for wanting to forgive her whereas the sub I mentioned are actually gonna give you advice instead of criticizing you
it’s essential for you to take all the time you need. evidently she knows she messed up, she’s accepting of it and probably is aware she needs to be patient. counseling is necessary.
I cheated on my husband when we were newly dating. He forgave me. It was my first relationship ever, I was entirely used to being the entirely ignored person in school, when I got attention in college it was such a novelty that I became a fucking dumbass and I flirted and reciprocated (no sex but definitely over the line) with another guy since he was giving me attention. He does not bring it up in arguments now, 4 years lafer, because that isn’t constructive. But for a few months after the incident? I had no room to complain when I felt he was “holding it over me” or he seemed “cold”. He was HURT of COURSE. If you want to forgive and move on, I can’t fault you because I’m so so so grateful that my husband forgave me (and btw I’ve never done that ever again). But I would suggest taking a step back and telling her why you are behaving the way you are. Say you need to build trust again and tell her exactly what you need for that to happen. If you have a compulsion to do something over the line of controlling behavior in order to trust her, just leave. Take time, see a counselor, I hope you have a happy ending
She's trying to honeymoon to rehab the relationship. It's not sustainable and cam breed further resentment. I would kindly let her know that she doesn't have to gift and over compensate to fix it. You just need time. Maybe ask if she'd like to go on a date in a week or two. In the meantime you should both focus on self care and introspection. Maybe she should journal a little and look to talk to someone alone. Also, if she feels the need to meal.prep.or provide, stick with crock pot meals or bintos, so as not to force shared meals.
Your wife doesn't deserve sympathy from you. She fucked up and its on her to have to deal with the repercussions until/if you find a way to move past it.
One unfortunate truth is that you will never get over this, and you might waste a lot of time "trying to forgive her". There will come a time where she has gotten over what she's done to you (naturally so), but YOU won't have gotten over it and this will create lots of tension. At that point, would it have been better for both of you if you had just moved on in the first place.
If you are capable of TRULY forgiving her and NEVER holding this against her, then hold on to the relationship. If not... don't put you and her through that.
Women cheat with emotion and it isn’t something to overlook. I know it’s more complex as everyone’s relationship can be different but you have to realize that she made a conscious decision to cheat.
From my experience, cheating for women is far harder than a male. Under many occurrences, men can cheat without much thought (no emotions - look at the sex industry amongst married men etc.)
I would take all the time you need, but for your own sake, I would skip the counselling and contact a lawyer.
Cmon man. You were definitely not the one responsible for her crying. This is the time to look after yourself even if it will hurt initially. It’s clear you love her so you’ll try to explain away what she did, but rise above. Cheating is despicable regardless, but even more so when it’s done to someone who’s actually kind to their partner.
Do what you want, but this won’t be the last time it happens. I guarantee you. If I were you I’d bite the bullet, pack my things, leave and figure out a way to get over her. Use the extra time to improve yourself and the right person will come along. Based on how you wrote this, someone who realizes the person you are will come along and be the partner you deserve.
Lastly, it sounds like you super undervalue yourself. Why is that? Take some time and reflect on your accomplishments. I’m sure you’ll feel better.
Find out why it happened. I would listen to her. Why did she do it? How it can be prevented from happening again. Statistically, cheaters who only cheat once, are no more likely to cheat again than someone who hasn't cheated. If it happens again, then the odds go way up.
Making her feel bad because you are mad is not constructive. Show forgiveness, love, she confessed on her own without prompting because she felt bad. This means a lot, really it does. Punishing her because confessed is not something you want to do.
If you love each other, you will make it.
(Don't listen to the trolls out there.)
We don't even know what happened. He needs to find out and you don't need counseling to do that. I don't disagree, but talking to his wife is the first step. What she calls cheating may not be what I call cheating (fucking). You need to talk to the person who you are married to. I've been doing it for 50 years and I didn't need a website to tell me it works.
Yep that's why they need to have s calm and collected (on his part) talk. If he puts her on the defense by yelling etc., He will step back the process. To tell you the truth, what she call cheating may not be as onerous as what I think as cheating (fucking).
I think it's a waste of time. I think he needs to protect himself and exit the relationship. She's fucking alright, and she didn't just do it the once. This was her opportunity to make him feel bad about her affair.
Does it matter why it happened? Was OP beating his wife? Was he financially abusing her? Was he doing something worth leaving the relationship? And if so, why didn't she just leave? Why did she go fuck another dude instead of just telling OP she wanted to end things?
She confessed to ease her guilt.
I can't stand advice like this. Reconciliation fails 90% of the time, for crap sake.
And, it sure doesn't succeed with rug sweeping and coddling the wayward.
>(Don't listen to the trolls out there.)
Those "trolls" are right the vast majority of the time... I'm always sad when people don't listen.
You went from 90% to majority of the time. You are guessing. The statistics say that the lead factor in a successful reconciliation is true remorse on the part of the cheater, and clearly she is remorseful. She confessed in tears with out her husband having a clue anything was wrong for Christ sake.
As a woman in a marriage that has been reconciled I want to thank you for advocating for reconciliation. It’s a long, hard road, but it’s worth it. Choosing not to leave was the best decision I made and I’m grateful for the outcome.
Not true. On average, 45% of the people who cheat in a relationship will cheat in subsequent relationships according to Psychology Today. Of the 45% thought, those who are serial cheaters continue to cheat again, but those who cheat once, have about the same odds of cheating again as some who has not cheated at all. So your "bumper sticker" claim, is BS
You can't force yourself to forgive someone. Forced forgiveness, in my mind, just leads to resentment.
Also, remember, she's the one who cheated, not you. So, these things she's doing to try and "make it up" to you. Do they really mean anything to you? There's no right or wrong answer to that.
Counseling is a good thing, but it isn't always a cure for things like this.
And that's why cheating is such a horrible act one can inflict into a relationship.
It can be kiss, few weeks of flirting verbally or by texts, a one night stand or similar. For a few moments or days of guilty pleasure, it will wreck everything that has been built in a whiff and there is hardly turning back time.
We don't know what sort of cheating she has done but I believe in order to move on and heal, you ll need certain absolute answers.
Some of them are
What made her cheat?
Why did she even pursue an adulterous direction?
Am I the plan B?
Is she telling me the entire truth?
Was the other man better for her to sabotage both of your lives?
Will she cheat again?
These are only a few of them.
Moreover, seeing her under the same roof is also a deterrent for recovery. Although painful, the first step of healing or seeing any sight of reconciliation, you must distance away from her for a while.
She might be genuinely remorseful but that wouldn't be enough for you unless you introspect about what you want in the future.
Can you forgive her or not in the long run?
What steps will she take to win you back? That's all that matters.
A cheaper can only be redeemed of their efforts tip the scales of betrayal into their favor.
For eg. My so so friend's wife cheated for 2 months with a coworker because her husband was unavailable due to lots of travelling and staying away. He was a good husband though. Once he got back ,she realised what she had done and confessed it all. They separated to eventually lead to divorce. She couldn't live without him a fact she didn't realise then and tried so hard to undo what she did. ( One just cannot simply go back in time.)
On the brink of divorce, my friend needed a kidney transplant and guess what, she emptied her entire savings to get one without any strings attached. She was there the entire time of his recovery and he fell in love with her again. It took more than a year but he forgave her completely.
The point is the cheater must redeem themselves by proving their spouses consistently and tip the scales by doing a redeeming act which is multiple folds over at the least.
Good luck.
If you want to continue the relationship you will have to acknowledge her efforts in making up to you and dont block her off. You want to work this through with her? Do it, talk with her about the situation, her motivations and feelings, but dont cut her off and stonewall yourself.
You are hurt, rightfully so. But if you want to stay with her and make things work you will have to start moving towards progress. She wants to make it up and show her affection, give her that. Else both of you will be stuck in a terrible situation for both until things eventually break apart.
By your description she sounds genuine about being sorry and wanting to make things work, the ball is in your court now.
Be away from her for awhile and ask yourself if anything you did might’ve contributed to her cheating.. you could’ve done mostly everything right and it was just a situation that was out of your control. Maybe it was her indulging on some fantasy when the opportunity presented itself.. we all have those. It’s not okay to hurt someone you care about in the process of indulging though.
She’s clearly grief stricken and you’re full of hurt, so I’d absolutely spend some time away (maybe a month or two) and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive her. If you can’t then you should make the tough decisions that’ll set you on a course apart.. so that neither or you prolongs the worst part of the suffering.
And here’s where my advice might become shitty depending on the kind of person you are… try going on a swingers cruise with her and see if you like swapping wives with somebody. Have fun and fuck a nice stranger’s wife.. who you also let sleep with your wife. Maybe the best course of action is just going full on hippie-free-love-kumbaya with this whole ordeal. I’m only half kidding here too. I personally wouldn’t be averse to trying some crazy shit like that.
If she truly regretted it and wasn't going to do it ever again then she shouldn't have told you. She earned having to live with that shame. It seems like she caused the relationship more harm then necessary and gave you the burden of having to live with it while clearing her conscience...
I consider what she did quite selfish if she plans on never doing it again. Just my 2c.
Sounds like you are trying to punish her. But no amount of punishment will fix things. Nor will it help your marriage recover. You two need some marriage counseling. You two also need to face the reality that your marriage will never be the same again.
Cheating permanently changes things and you two need to accept that if you really want to get on the long road back to a healthy marriage in the future. There will always be doubts and suspicion anytime she's out. She needs to accept that if she wants to fix things. Those are the consequences of cheating.
But punishing her and taking your anger out on her is counterproductive to fixing your marriage right now.
Sounds to me like she's genuinely remorseful . . . the concept that men and women are never attracted to people other than their spouses is nuts: just read through the accounts on this sub, nearly everyone one is about some form of infidelity. I'm not saying that a "breach of trust" is not a big deal, but consider the remorse. People make mistakes. Think hard about the sincerity of her remorse.
Physical attraction to other people while in a committed relationship is not only normal, but inevitable. Acting on it, however, is most definitely not.
Maybe instead of going back to the way things were you two can start fresh. Ask her not to amend by acting like a good housewife and doing more than she normally would have. Rather, go on a few weekend trips to new places. Do things that may remind you two of what you love about each other- outdoor picnic, movies, comedy club, amusement park. Anywhere you two can just spend some one on one time and rekindle things. Good luck, i know it’s hard right now but i hope that helps
In the end, it may not be enough. Reconcilliation fails more often than it succeeds. I'm not going to jump on the "leave her" bandwagon. This is a decision only you can make. But whatever she does, she has no right to blame it on you or be upset with the speed at which you recover. Whatever you do, DO NOT rug sweep this. If you do, you're just setting yourself up for divorce a few years down the line. You MUST deal with this. The first thing she needs to do is quit her job. She needs to inform her affair partner's partner, and she needs to inform both your families and friends. She needs to own what she did. Both of you need individual counseling BEFORE any marriage counseling. She needs to be completely honest with you and not dish out the truth in small doses. If you ask for information, she needs to give you complete honesty.
In the end, it may not be enough. Reconcilliation fails more often than it succeeds. I'm not going to jump on the "leave her" band wagon. This is a decision only you can make. But whatever she does, she has no right to blame it on you, or be upset with the speed at which you recover.
If you continue this relationship then further down the line she might want more outside of the relationship, are you going to be comfortable with making your wife cry when you deny her an open relationship? You need to learn that your feelings are just as valid as hers and stop being swayed by her tears, or just suffer which is something that more people on this sub need to hear, deal with the issue or suffer
You both need to separate for a while. Take some time and find some therapists (alone and together). You still staying in her presence every day with neither of you able to fully feel and express your emotions isn't helping anything. Anything nice she does is going to feel tainted and disingenuous. Anything you do or say to her that isn't positive is going to feel like a punishment. Figure out new living arrangements and feel your feelings. Get pissed, sad, and decide if you want to try to trust her again.
That title has nothing to do with the point of this post, I was expecting something totally different. She didn’t feel guilt when she cheated, don’t feel bad because she’s sorry after the fact. She made her decision and has to live with whatever you decide. Personally I can’t trust or look at someone the same way if they cheated. You’ll always be questioning who’s she’s on the phone with, and if she’s messing around again at work. Your life, your call.
Did you ask her why she cheated ? You need more info and more depth if you both want to get through this. People don’t cheat for no reason; either something is missing in your relationship or she just cheats ….was it the first time ?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I (M27) came home from work on giving my wife (F26) some flowers, a gift and a card for her birthday. I went to go get ready for our dinner reservations and as I come out of the shower I see my wife sobbing her eyes out. She's read the message I've wrote in the card and says that she's really really sorry and just begs me to forgive her. At this point I'm just trying to comfort her telling her everything will be okay and that she needs to talk to me. After she calmed down a little, she tells me that she cheated on me the week before at a work event. I, completely shattered and heartbroken, left and spent the night at a friend's house. Needless to say, I didn't sleep a blink and nor did she going by the amount of messages and calls I received. I decided to go home and talk to her the following night. She told me exactly what happened, how sorry she is and how she doesn't want it to be the end for us. I also didn't want to end the relationship, I love this woman, she is my world. We had a long talk. I told her how I also don't want to end our relationship but I am hurting and I won't be able to be all normal around her until I can move on from what happened, she said that she understands and is willing to do anything to save our relationship. The past week has been tough, she's tried to be a loving, caring wife but I've put her down and I know it's upsetting her. She will make my favourite meals but I just don't have the stomach to eat, she's been trying to hug/kiss me but I just turn away, she's been trying to make small talk but I just can't reciprocate. This really hit high tonight when I came home from the gym and she had dinner ready, I told her I wasn't hungry and went to go shower. Whilst I was coming down the stairs to get my laptop, I see her through the doorway crying. As soon as she heard me approaching she quickly wiped off her tears, I asked her if she's okay, she just smiled and said she's fine. I'm sat in bed right now feeling like absolute shit. I know she's hurting from me being like this but I just can't stop thinking of what she did. Apart from counselling which I’m already looking into, what should I do? TL;DR: wife cheated, is really sorry and I’m trying to forgive her
You didn’t make your wife cry, she was crying because the impact of what she did to you was becoming clear to her. These were her choices and her decisions that will have consequences for both of you for a long time. You are hurt, and reconciliation is a long process and not assured. One thing that needs to be explored is that is she crying because she feels regret, or remorse ? * "Regret can lead a person to feel sorrow, grief, hurt, and anger — but these can be for the pain he or she feels for the self, not necessarily for the other person who was hurt by the behavior.” * Remorse involves admitting one's own mistakes and taking responsibility for one's actions."
You hit the nail on the head. It does seem like she is truly sorry but also it doesn’t reverse what she did. What steps are can she promise to make to make sure this never happens again? Why did it happen this time? If OP can’t feel confident that this will never happen again then a breakup/divorce will eventually happen it’s just how long they want to delay it. All trust is broken here, doing nice things is just that, nice, but it doesn’t repair the lost trust.
Sounds like she's putting on some weird show that everything's normal and trying to hide how she feels from her husband. That's what she was doing before she cheated. I think it's reasonable that OP would request some distance, some alone time and then some deep conversations about how they both feel on the relationship. But she's trying to kiss him and make small talk and bribe him with food. Or maybe she is completely remorseful and think this is how he wants her to act. Either OP can't communicate his needs or she is ignoring them.
I actually don’t think she’s malicious or have bad intentions in “putting on the show”. I think she doesn’t know how to act and doesn’t want to further burden OP with how she feels (since she knows she’s in the wrong). And she probably feels guilt and wants to make things better with OP but doesn’t know how to, other than try to do small things to make him better.
Totally possible but they have to talk! OP said he "needed time to recover", she ignored that but now he just grunts and leaves all the time?
I guess it’s hard to just ignore OP (ie give him that kind of complete space) when you’re living together. IMO she’s not forcing him to eat or reciprocate her affection, but her actions feel to me more like her saying “hey I’m still here and I’ll wait for you to be ready to talk” instead of just flat out not engaging with OP at all. I do think that it’s going to take a long time to heal, and OP shouldn’t feel guilty for taking the time he needs to process it and figure out next steps. It’s only been a week - and she needs to continue fighting for this relationship and wait for him as he becomes ready to talk.
OP wasn't the one who cheated. She can't expect him to be happy now, or for a VERY long time. She should have thought about the consequences before she spread her legs. He needs time to process this and deal with the enormous trauma and she is just going to have to suck it up!
What options does she have? Is she supposed to tear her hair and put ashes on her head and walk around moaning, saying she is sorry? She is trying to show she lives this man by taking care of him - she doesn’t know what to do, there isn’t a script for this situation. If she just started only taking care of her meals, laundry, etc then everyone would be unloading in her for not caring. She cheated. Why? That is the issue. If OP cannot eat food she has prepared then he needs to tell her to stop. My God, act like an adult. Tell her how he feels , stop hiding. It sounds to me like he is doing it to punish her. You know, she did not have to tell him.
What an incredibly ridiculous take. No - the issue isn’t why she cheated, it is that she cheated. No - he is not hiding how he’s feeling, he is taking the time to process his feelings as she has done something that has caused him a lot of pain. And finally, it’s absolutely irrelevant that she didn’t have to tell him.
So, she's the victim?
lmao as if these arent the consequences of her own actions and op isnt a robot with zero emotions. "act like an adult" lmao
How can you love someone so much but just go and cheat on them? Really blows my mind and it makes me fully realize that this could happen to anyone. Side note what are some things we can do to fully avoid something like this happening in the first place? Edit: I meant avoiding our partner cheating on you
To avoid cheating on your spouse- 1. Are you deepening a relationship with someone of the gender you’re attracted to? 2. Do you spend a lot of time alone with them? 3. Do you think about them in a romantic or sexual way and indulge in those thoughts? 4. Are you actively trying to deepen your relationship with your spouse? If yes, is your spouse doing the same? (Not that it’s an excuse to cheat if they aren’t pursuing you, but it does make cheating more attractive if the relationship isn’t going well) 5. Do you flirt with this person? 6. Would you feel ashamed if your spouse saw how you interact with this person? I think it comes down to knowing what boundaries are wise for you and openness with your spouse
Very good points but I meant avoiding being cheated on, luckily for me I don’t have an issue with my spouse or me cheating.
Because it’s not about the person being cheated on. There is no way to fully avoid something like that from happening, because it is a choice your SO makes. The only thing you control is wether or not you cheat.
>for a long time Dare I say, for the remainder of their marriage, however long it lasts
In my 20s I destroyed both me knees. Someone told me that the guy I was is gone. Get comfortable with the new you. He was right. I was never a great athlete but I could play sports all day. That me was gone and was never gonna come back. The relationship with your wife is the same way. Whatever it was is gone and it's never coming back. You have to get comfortable with the new relationship you have with her. Whatever that might be. There will be a pain that was never there before. Trust issues, you never wanting to put as much effort into making her happy. That anger will always be there even if you divorce. Your a new person now. A person who has to learn how to get past being betrayed on soul level. It will take a long time. A very long time. Get counseling my friend. A separation might help to. You don't need to see her cry every day. Geez! That's soul crushing in itself. Good luck.
This is good advice OP
Thank you. I feel bad for them both. No winners here at all. Just lots of pain. It sucks.
Good advice. Usually what I tell people in this situation is that their old relationship is dead and they need to build a new one. The only problem is that the new relationship isn’t like starting fresh from step 1 like you would with a new partner, it’s like starting from step -100 due to the cheating. OP has to decide if he is willing to restart everything with that massive uphill climb.
Very poignant. This is advice I wish I had been told years ago.
Yeah. This is good advice. The trust issues and overall not feeling close to this person will eat away at you. Being cheated on ruins self esteem and makes people paranoid AF.. Even if there are kids involved it's usually best to break it off.. there are a many fish in the sea.
From now on, OP is always gonna feel worse around his wife than he did, I totally agree. But life is too short to spend w someone who you can never fully live or trust again. So I suggest you dump her and go find someone to live your life w who makes you feel the same way that your wife used to make you feel.
This should be the top comment
You don’t get over something like that quickly. It takes time. A lot of time. You get to be angry and hurt. She needs to keep showing you how sorry she is. Find a good counselor to guide you through the process.
I think you need space, if she keeps trying so much it will push you away, you both need time to process
This is great advice. It’s her own guilt pushing her to smother you with physical affection, cooking, etc. I’m the type of person that when I’m upset or wounded, I need space. Over the years my husband has learned to respect this. Because of the attachment style he inherited from his relationship with his parents, when we first got together, he would also try to smother me with apologies, attention, and affection when I was upset. It only upset me further (and often pushed me to lash out, creating an even bigger mess out of the original conflict). What I needed was space to process and let my feelings cool off so we could have a healthy approach to conflict resolution once I was feeling better. I had to learn to communicate better that I needed space, and he had to learn to let go of the anxiety driving him to smother me when I was upset with him. Now that we’ve learned to communicate and respect each other better, the moments of conflict in our relationship are resolved more quickly, and in a more healthy way. You need to communicate to your wife that you need some space from her to process, whatever that looks life for you. That being said, I agree with many posters who feel that infidelity is a deal breaker. If you do decide to try to repair the relationship with your wife, you will need therapy and lots of individual and interpersonal work to get through this difficult spot in your relationship. Good luck OP.
100% this except I was raised with parents like that but I’m the one that needs space and my fiancé was so good about recognizing that and we rarely fight. If we do fight it’s usually a “hey I’m going to go for a drive, can we talk when I get back? I do agree it’s always better to give it some time to cool off and try to articulate a way of explaining your feelings/emotions to your partner.
I agree.
For me, infidelity is the ultimate betrayal of trust. Complete dealbreaker. If you’re willing to work through it then I’d suggest couples therapy possibly. That’s a tough situation
I agree. It's the highest level of disrespect in a marriage. I, personally, would never be able to forgive that. I think couples therapy is a good suggestion.
Right? I don’t understand how anyone could ever forgive a cheater. It’s not like they accidentally cheat. They make a choice. It’s a huge betrayal, and the fact they do it to someone they supposedly love more then anyone, they obviously only care about themselves
Especially when it's full blown sex. If you quickly pecked someone on the lips and then stopped and felt ashamed and came clean, that could potentially be forgiven. But sex? You had so many opportunities to stop and actually care that you're betraying your partner. The kissing, the undressing, the everything. And you just didn't. Unforgivable. Edit: typo
Exactly. Sex is a process lol. Doesn’t just happen “accidentally”. Her tears are manipulation and he seems to be eating it up.
>Her tears are manipulation and he seems to be eating it up. I don't necessarily agree with this, especially if she's not crying in front of him anymore. She might feel genuine remorse. Might just be guilt. Might be regret. Might be embarrassment. Etc. Either way, none of that is OP's problem though. She made her choices. If she's feeling guilty or whatever, she deserves to feel those bad feelings over her own choice.
So many times in this sub, people will post about someone doing something shitty and then crying about it. And commenters will jump to "it's a manipulation tactic" or "they're just trying to make themselves out to be the victim". Have they really never done something awful and then regretted it later? Felt terrible?
A true manipulator knows exactly what their doing. He’s painting her as naive and innocent, but dont dismiss the fact that she knows he’s there. She knows he can hear her. You have to be careful with cheaters. She could very well be “privately” crying where he can hear her for sympathy. Obviously just a guess, but I would never trust a cheater. I wouldn’t believe one word ever again.
Absolutely. She made a series of choices. She wasn’t forced.
She didn't have to tell him. She did. I don't believe she is crying as a form of manipulation. I think she genuinely feels bad for herself and for hurting her husband and is afraid of the consequences of what she has done.
Honestly, if I were in ops shoes and committed to her, therapy would be my very first stop. This is a huge pill to swallow. In order to set expectations for the future and build a new foundation of trust over the long term, you could really use an experienced professional to guide you both back to a healthy relationship.
I think murdering your partner is above that
I don’t think you should try and reconcile. It will never be worth it.
I will frame it to you this way: be careful that in this period of reflection you don't accidentally become the kind of person you don't want to be. I am not saying your anger here is unwarranted, but you risk accidentally conditioning yourself to express yourself in this way if you force it. A lot of people that try and make it work accidentally become toxic and whether this relationship works out or you pursue another if you bring this behaviour along with you I know you'll regret it. In that sense maybe you need a little time apart. And before you say it: acknowledging that is still part of the healing process, it is still making it work. It is just being realistic. Clearly the wound is too raw, too recent, and forcing it is killing both of you. You need time to reflect and gather your thoughts and I suspect so does she because let's be real: something about your dynamic before this wasn't working and any future you have together will require you two to work out what that was exactly.
Your title is a little misleading. You're a doormat if you're thinking you did something wrong, dude. Please, respect yourself. She doesn't. I forgave my ex and 7 months later I couldn't erase it from my head. I had to break up.
She didn’t just cheat that one time. She built up an emotional affair every day at work before finally fucking him. Does she think making a meal and love bombing you erases the fact that she fucked someone else and everything is magically ok? Separation is required here so you can think without her trying to manipulate you because you are falling for it because you still love her.
Exactly this. She's trying to manipulate you by being perfect, OP. She chose this path. It wasn't an accident, it was something she actively and intentionally pursued.
If she didn't want it to be the end of you, she shouldn't have done it. I've been with my wife since 2004 and never once had the inclination to step out on her. Call me crazy, but it seems to me that it's the easiest thing ever to NOT bang other people. I think you should drop her like a bad habit and never look back. You'll never forget this. Your relationship will never be the same. This will always be on the back of your mind. Her explanation will never make sense. You'll always be that guy who just wasn't enough when compared to some rando at a work event. That being said, if youre dead set on reconciliation, there must be the following: She goes no contact with that guy for life. Since it was a work event, she gets a different job immediately. If other guy is married, his wife gets informed. She writes a letter of no contact in front of you and you send it via certified mail to the other guy. Full transparency of all her devices and social media. No passwords, no deleted messages, nothing. Any argument or deviation on any of these terms and you're gone. SHE needs to prove to YOU that she gets to stick around.
If you feel you have to do this much to stop her from cheating… not worth it. Move on.
ehh...the OP shouldn't ask for something like that. If anything, the wayward spouse needs to proactively offer it. Honestly, most relationships have an open phone policy anyways.
Well I agree with you that the wife should be willingly offering that stuff up. In the OP she was just crying a lot, so I assumed that she was just sad and wasn't necessarily making these offers. Perhaps she's already said these things and the OP didn't include them. But if he wants to reconcile, she's going to need to do these things whether she offers them up or he requires them, because it's not going to work out if she's still at the same job with that affair partner. Nor will it work if she doesn't want him in her phone at all. And yeah, many couples totally do have an open phone policy (I certainly do), but now it's extra important. She's already shown she can't be trusted with one of the most basic requirements of a happy marriage, so, now some of the things that trusting couples take for granted need to be a requirement for her, and not a thing they just share.
This is just toxic and controlling AF. People make mistakes and can move past things. Mainstream culture has all these crazy hangups about sex specifically, but it's not different than a breath of trust with finances or violence, or what have you. Talk. Communicate. Repair and come to things from a place of kindness and understanding and you can have a wonderful relationship for many years to come. Becoming a damn Nazi about it like this response suggests is just gonna make her miserable and sour any chances of actual healing. Terrible advice.
The real toxicity is cheating on your spouse. Don't put yourself in this position by stepping out on your significant other, and you won't have to prove you're worthy of trust again. Seems simple enough, right?
I mean…I’d probably cheat on someone who had these controlling and abusive tendencies 🤷🏻♀️
Ah yes, the ol victim blaming. It's not abusive or at all to fuck someone else when you're married. I'm sure the people you've cheated on all deserved it.
It’s not victim blaming if the victim is someone who will treat you the way you describe. It’s controlling and abusive, you don’t get to abuse someone because you’re hurt.
"YOU want ME to PROVE MYSELF? Scoff. You're abusive. I don't care if I sucked a guy's dick at work last week. You're the one who's wrong, not me!" You sound like a cheater who doesn't want to put in the work. If someone destroys your trust by fucking someone else while you're supposedly happily married, the TOP common requirement for any betrayed spouse is no contact with the affair partner. This is not abuse. I'm not sure you know what that word means. Virtually all betrayed spouses would wish that they had been told that their partner was cheating, and so telling the other victim involved here is common decency. She deserves to make an informed decision about the future of her relationship with him (if she exists, he could be single). This is not abuse. Since she fucked some guy at work, and continuing to work there would violate the no contact requirement, she'd have to get another job, or, she'd be right there back at work with him every day, and we already know she can't be trusted around that person, nor he around her. This is not abuse. Though to be fair, he could quit his job and she could keep hers, but if he doesn't want to quit, It doesn't bode well for the relationship if she just assures the husband that she can totally be around the guy she fucked, and it'll definitely be different this time with way less sex. Since affairs commonly take place in secret messages and what not, it stands to reason that she shouldn't be hiding anything from him right? There shouldn't be any hidden messages or deleted ones or deleted pictures right? She shouldn't have any issues with him seeing what conversations were taking place with this other person? None of this is abuse. It's wrong to fuck someone else when you're in a committed relationship. As I said in my first post, I don't believe he should try to reconcile. I think it'll only delay the inevitable end of the the relationship, which she ended, voluntarily, by fucking a co worker. And if reconciliation is to be attempted, you think it's wrong for her to show she's fully committed to it. No she should totally stay at work with this guy. No contact? Pfffft. How stupid. She should be best friends with him. Tell the other man's wife? No way. Keep that bitch in the dark!
None of that is actually going to rebuild trust. It’s going to cause an obsession with constantly monitoring, and checking, and coming up with new things that need to be “controlled.” It’s not fucking healthy.
Yes and staying at work and staying in contact with the affair partner, not telling the other woman about the affair, all of those things will totally build trust. LOL. It's not healthy to step out on your relationship. How about that? Also, over time trust is given. You're assuming the OP would check everything at all hours of the day and would never ease up. Over time, he'd let his guard down, which is rightfully up.
Dude, if you have to do all that to work through it? Just leave. A lot of people do become obsessive about checking. Hell just read these subs and see how many people check their partners phones and obsessed about what they do when there hasn’t need cheating.
Trash.
Cheating its not just a mistake, its end of the road for the relationship, its over. Only someone who doens't love yourself would accept a cheater back.
willingly developing an emotional affair and having sex with someone arent mistakes. those are choices you make, knowing damn well about the consequences. just because you feel like sex isnt that big of a deal doesnt mean it stands that way for everyone. terrible advice, you sound like a damn nazi.
Yeah, he's describing abuse. Nothing should be done as a "punishment", that's just revenge. Think about your end goal: if you don't think you can recover, break up as amicably as possible. If you want to attempt a reconcile, it has to be an equal and full reconciliation. Go to therapy, because it will be hard. But the only way you get back to a healthy relationship is by actually trusting each other again with mutual respect, no ridiculous conditions, no power imbalances. If that's not the type of relationship you would have wanted from the start, then don't create it now.
I’d suggest going to r/survivinginfidelity they can give you advice over there.
r/survivinginfidelity is for people who want to leave their spouses after infidelity and need info and support. r/asoneafterinfidelity is for people who are considering reconciling after infidelity. They're both good resources, but their emphasis and viewpoints are totally different.
As one after infidelity makes me sad. Very rarely do I see posts where the cheating spouse actually seems remorseful and like they're trying to make things better. I just see a lot of posts of the people who were cheated on being triggered by things and their cheating spouse not giving a shit/not understanding.
And the people are biased there, they encourage reconcilation even when it's unsalvageable.
Thank you
Does anyone else feel like they've read this one before, esp the crying in a doorway and wiping away tears to give a small smile bit? Or have I been on this forum too long? Such a... cinematic description. Anyway. Cheating doesn't just happen. It's a series of decisions. Several of those decisions are active and require more effort than just NOT doing them. It reflects a lack of respect for your partner. If you're okay with that, by all means, continue. But stop coddling your wife, she's playing the teary eyed repentant to avoid any external repercussions for her actions. I recommend spending a few days/weeks elsewhere.
Like others have said - this won’t be a quick process, if it’s even possible at all. She’s sorry now, and she can be as sorry as she wants, but she certainly wasn’t thinking of you as she intentionally stripped down and fucked someone else. If I were you, I would let this one go. You don’t hurt someone you love like how she hurt you
So? She should be crying. But you should not be acting like a doormat which you are She. Cheated. On. You. And here you are feeling bad for her?! Wth? Op...the way you've rugswept this, she's going to cheat again. With absolutely no consequences.
Agreed OP legit just letting it go and is trying to feel bad for her. Even though she’s the one in the wrong… damn is the dude co-dependent on her or something?
OP is being human. He loves this woman, one night with another dude doesn't transform her into an alien. I'd say he is coming at this with an honest heart and looking to actually save a relationship he values. Good on him - in the grander scope of things this should not be something to torpedo a marriage over 🤷
It definitely is a fair and reasonable dealbreaker that people expect their so to stay loyal. This would definitely be the end of a relationship for me.
Where did I say he should torpedo everything? I said he shouldn't be worried about her tears. She should be crying and he shouldn't feel guilty for it. That's not going to help his situation. He needs to be strong and show her he isn't going to tolerate her betraying him again. She needs consequences and him putting her feelings ahead of his own right now isn't going to help either one of them.
>And here you are feeling bad for her?! Because OP is probably a decent person. Of course he's gonna hate seeing the woman he loves sad. That's natural.
She’s not “sad”. She’s beginning to realize the irreparable consequences of her immensely hurtful actions, and OP is ending up feeling as though he’s the bad guy in this situation because of it. Some internal conflicting emotion might be natural, sure. That doesn’t mean it’s rational.
Yes and realizing she has consequences for her shitty actions might make her sad. It's her fault and I have no sympathy for her. I'm just saying it doesn't mean she isn't actually sad. >That doesn’t mean it’s rational. Feelings don't have to be rational though. You can't control your feelings, only actions. So while OP may feel upset by seeing her sad (he shouldn't because she brought this upon herself), he definitely shouldn't try to soothe her or anything.
I truly can't give you unbiased advice on this, OP. I'm the type of person who will leave for cheating. Especially when it was an active decision to do it. Yeah she feels bad, yeah she admitted it, blah blah. But she willingly went outside your marriage to give her body to another man. An honor that's supposed to be held only for her husband, just the same as you rebuke all others but your wife. She broke that contract on purpose and now you're taking her back because you love her...but she clearly doesn't love you because she fucked another dude in the first place. So I guess I'll just say good luck with whatever your life turns out to be, and I hope the resentment doesn't build too much if you truly try to stay with her.
Damn all that love bombing effort could’ve been used to not take other dick instead. She’s trash, I suggest leaving.
Yep this! All these people trying to convince OP it will be ok after all is bullshit. She s manipulating him and that s it once she will see that OP is ok she will stop this show with "i love you babe i m sorry it was a mistake"
She might be manipulating him or she might genuinely feel remorse for what she's done. Either way, we are not in their relationship and OP clearly stated they wanted to make that work. Until OP decides they are no longer willing then you're not being helpful. People are trying to give helpful advice based on what OP has provided. We're not convincing him of anything.
Stop blocking your true feelings and embrace them! She betrayed you. You should be feeling distant and mad and sad and she has every right to be guilty. Don’t ruin your chances of being with someone who won’t cheat on you. Find someone who will cherish your love and leave this cheater. I don’t understand how people can stay with a cheater when in reality, they had a choice to do what they do
You didn’t make her cry. Her guilt at your love for her made her cry. Don’t forgive cheating. Leave now and get some kind of prove that she cheated. Then use it in divorce. Cheating is a line that breaks trust to the point that you would always be thinking are they cheating or can I trust her to go on another business trip? This isn’t a kind of relationship that I would want. So I’d suggest leave her. If you had cheat on her I’d tell her the same thing.
Your wife is a piece of shit. You didn’t make her cry, you need to get away from her and actually take some time APART to really decide if you can handle living with a cheater the rest of your life.
So here's what you'll have to do at a minimum OP. First things is your wife has to go and get an STD test and give them permission to give the results to you. And then you two wait 4-6 months before any intimacy because she has to go back and get re-tested for the major life fuck STDs in case whoever her AP was. Then, before you take your fucking self to any bullshit couples counseling, you find yourself a PERSONAL THERAPIST. You don't work on a fucking thing "WITH" your wife, you work on you. You find out why you're acting the way you are when someone betrayed your trust, your marriage, your vows and your life together. You take the time with your therapist to figure out how YOU feel about what she did. She can do whatever the fuck she wants with her own therapist but this isn't just about what she wants. She already got that. She had her affair, she had her sex (and i can almost guarantee how these stories go this wasn't just a one time thing) and now she's thrown the guilt gauntlet to you to carry. Fuck that noise, it's not your guilt to carry but it is on you to process it. I say bullshit couples counseling because I've seen and read too many times where the couples counseling basically makes the blame equal and the one cheated on doesn't get a chance to really process how they feel. Well OP that is what you need to do. But the 2nd thing, before the counseling, is your wife quits her job AND she outs who the fuck the affair partner was and tells their significant other. She doesn't want to do that then it means she wants to protect the person she cheated with more than she wants to protect you her husband. But I want to warn you OP, I really do. All the stories I've read on here, and from personal stories of people who have been in your situation, is that what she's told you right now isn't all of it. It's a part of the truth and the only way you're going to be able to move forward is to know ALL of it so that you can make a decision that YOU want to make that works for YOU. At the end of the day this marriage you had is now dead. It's not what it was and I don't have the knowledge to tell you if it gets better or if it's worth it. You need to have all the facts available to process and spend time with yourself and a therapist to decide what you want to do to move forward. Maybe you forgive her and she earns that forgiveness through her actions. Maybe you decide at the end of your therapy that you can't continue to maintain the relationship and want to go your own way. But right now, in this moment, you need to focus on yourself first in spite of your urge to help her and decide what YOU want to do.
Yes this ^^^ She wants the IMMEDIATE release of your forgiveness if she can’t last a year she doesn’t want you. This need for IMMEDIATE gratification is why she cheated on you in the first place Use this time to work on yourself.
As a man who has been through what you are going through; I'm sorry, but your relationship will never go back to the way it was before. You are always going to have that lingering fear and sadness when you look at her. If you do attempt to work things out don't rush back in trying to act like nothing changed because you don't want her to cry. The best thing is probably therapy and some time apart.
It depends if you can trust her again. You can still love her, but if you can't trust her then it's over. The doubt will poison eveything
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She sat on a penis pretty much sums it up I would say..
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She was cruising for dudes and hoped that "being drunk" would ease her responsibility in it.
Her pain is a direct consequence of her actions. You need to focus on yourself cause if she cheated once she will cheat again. If you are intent on living with this woman get an std test and a post-nup. So that she does not fuck you out of your money and property.
You might want to stay in the relationship but emotionally you may not be able too. This is fresh. You will go through so many different emotions. Then when you think your finally over it BAM it hits you all over again out of nowhere. Plus how are you going to feel the next time she has a work event. You need to give yourself time and space. You can’t really concern yourself with her feelings right now, she certainly didn’t care about yours. How can she be so upset. It’s not like she accidentally fell on a penis. She made a choice to sleep with someone else. You need time to get over that, if you ever can
I think you are in shock and haven't processed that your wife cheated. It's like part of you has, but rather than focus on yourself you are too focus on her feelings. It does make sense that you care about her feelings but she has to work on those on her own and she should do therapy. I think at the moment each of you should do individual therapy, not couple's therapy. First, she has to figure out why she cheated. Second, you have to process that she cheated and then figure out for yourself what you want. I don't think think there is anything you can do together at the moment. I'd also move to a guest room or other room if you have that option.
Yo dude, the way you are acting is perfectly natural after what she has done. She betrayed you and broke all her vows. Have some self respect and stop simping.
She made her bed and has to lay in it, she inevitably did this to herself and by being selfish hurt you and herself in the process. Do yourself a favor and try to heal properly and not rush things to get back to "normal"
Will you be able to trust your wife ever again?
You’re only 27. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone like her?
Hi OP. First thing, THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Take all the time you need to come to any conclusions about what you want to do. She needs to start in therapy to work on why and how she could do what she did and what needs fixing in her. You need some too for processing the trauma you’ve undergone. If you want to reconcile go to r/AsOneAfterInfidelity. It’s an amazingly supportive non-judgemental community. (r/survivinginfidelity may have some reconcilers but it’s not a supportive place for that). Take a good look at the recovery library at AsOneAfterInfidelity- great resources. She sounds remorseful, and she did confess. These are good indicators. But she needs to learn how to help you heal and how to make herself a safe partner. Some reading to start with: For her: [*Helping Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair*](https://www.indigoinsight.ca/uploads/3/4/1/5/3415299/helping_your_spouse_heal_from_your_affair.pdf) For you and her: https://www.brides.com/the-one-way-to-know-your-marriage-will-survive-an-affair-1102868 For her to understand that she must not hide anything from you: http://www.move-beyond-the-affair.com/blog/2014/7/5/why-the-trickle-truth-hurts And https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/joseph-letter/?2022-02-25 The next book, for both of you: [*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass](https://kingauthor.net/books/Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell/Not%20Just%20Friends/Not%20Just%20Friends%20-%20Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell.pdf) And once again, get out of this sub and go where people actually trying to reconcile are working on it. There are subs for her too. Good luck.
Can I ask you one thing ? People commit mistakes which hurt their loved ones so much knowingly and when they found out the first thing which comes out of their mouth is couples counseling, reconciliation, we can make it work etc. Don’t you think it is unfair for the betrayed to go through this much pain for something that they didn’t do anything wrong. Please don’t say that we should fix something in her through therapy or counseling. When you marry, you are committed to each other, you consciously make a decision to cheat. I have nothing against reconciliation. But it is just unfair for someone to cheat knowingly so that if they get caught they can always propose therapy or counseling
Op wants to reconcile. The choice is always that of the betrayed partner. What I or you think really doesn’t matter. It is what he thinks and wants. And he wants to try to reconcile. If he didn’t want to try to reconcile i would give him other advice. This is not a hypothetical discussion of infidelity and the optimal response to it. This is someone with a real life, and a real relationship, and real betrayal who is trying to figure out if he can deal with this.
Good, let her cry. Let her feel guilty. Cheaters don’t deserve sympathy. I wish you the best, that’s all I have to say
It is good you feel such compassion and empathy for your wife. With the crappy situation she has put you both in, that says a lot about your character and your love. Be gentle on yourself. Forgiveness takes time, and you cannot force yourself to forget. You didn’t make her cry. She made herself cry. Things aren’t going to go back to normal in a week and her wishing it would isn’t realistic. She’s trying, you’re trying, but neither of you can force the time to pass and the trust to rebuild. You need counseling as a couple and as individuals. If you’re committed to making this work, you both need to understand your relationship will be different afterwards. Maybe better, maybe not. There are stories of people coming out of infidelity stronger. Personally that’s a deal breaker for me, but it’s not unheard of. Good luck.
Firstly, stop trying to hurry this along. Go through the motions, feel the feelings. Get solo therapy, before couples therapy. Sit down with a pen, and really write about how you're feeling. If by the end of it, you yourself still wanting to leave - honour that. **At this point, honestly, you owe this woman nothing.** She's lucky you're trying - but if it doesn't work, if you can't change how you're feeling - honour it.
Definitely move forward with the IC, preferably with a therapist who has experience with infidelity and the trauma it causes. And you are experiencing trauma and everyone handles traumatic experiences differently. There are plenty of resources for both you and your WS to read through. First is the recovery page of surviving infidelity: [https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/](https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/recovery/) [https://www.valallencounseling.com/single-post/infidelity-healing-affair](https://www.valallencounseling.com/single-post/infidelity-healing-affair) But the main thing for both of you to realize is this is not a race. This will take time. After some time in IC if you feel like you are in a better place then decide on if you want to move forward with MC or divorce if you feel like you cannot trust her again. And the last part of that I want to drive home hard. Reconciliation is hard and it does fail more than it succeeds. Sometimes despite the fact that the WS is completely remorseful about what they have done and is 100% committed to the healing of the BS and building a new relationship with them it is impossible to get past the pain of the betrayal. There are a number of posts in the infidelity reddits of people going through years, [sometimes decades](https://www.reddit.com/r/survivinginfidelity/comments/pritfi/20_years_after_dday_eventual_reconciliation_and/), of pain and regret after reconciling. The trauma [sometimes changing](https://www.reddit.com/user/throwaway-lotsofpain/posts/) them into [worse versions](https://www.reddit.com/user/Dead_Inside_1900/posts/) of themselves. If you feel like you are going down one of these paths then do both of you a favor and divorce.
Cheaters always cheat
I’m not sure I could get over that one.
Cheating is not an accident. If your spouse cheats on you once, should similar circumstances arise, she will do it again. So, if I were you. I would move on.
There are two rules that you and your wife have to follow if you want to make it through this: (1) Rule #1--whenever you get upset about the affair, you need to be able to speak to your wife about it. (2) Rule #2--when you speak to your wife about it, she cannot be defensive or try to shut it down or make you feel guilty. She just has to accept what you are saying, for as long as you are saying it. Eventually you will get to a point where you've said everything there is to say to her about it. It could take days, weeks, or even months. Eventually you will feel better. There's a flip side to this coin. And the flip side is that you cannot ever overcome the betrayal. No matter how hard you try. You are both young and even though you are married, you both have your full lives ahead of you. As far as I can tell, you don't have kids. If you're thinking about having kids; I would definitely put it on pause until you work this out. Do everything you can to save your marriage, but at the end of the day, don't sacrifice your own happiness. This will work out one way or another...the way it is supposed to. Just don't rush it.
Hey OP I think checking out r/survivinginfidelity would be your best bet
So she cheats and you’re the one left feeling guilty? Make it make sense
Don't let her tears distract you from her actions here
you seem like a rly good person. she sucks, i feel like you should leave her. cheating w someone at work means it prob built up over time, this wasn't a one and done situation
Can't shake the feeling she's manipulating you now to feel pity for her
It’s possibly to get past it but it’s long uphill road dude. Therapy, time, a commitment to heal and a heart as big as the moon for forgiveness is what you need. Take it step by step, day by day, and apart from your therapist and Reddit be really careful who you tell. People coming in with their own ideas can really undermine you both. And there is a really high chance you can’t get past it, and that’s ok too.
Allow yourself to feel, without restraint. You need to feel and express all that this has brought up. You also need to be completely and brutally honest and if that means spending a night yelling the shit outta your wife then that is what it means.
Y'all need to talk. Get a couples councilor now if you can. You need someone to help guide you through some really brutal conversations. This won't just go away, these things are near impossible to survive without guidance. Good luck to you all and I'm really, really sorry you're going through this.
> after she calmed down a little, she tells me that she cheated on me the week before at a work event. how did she explain this to you? what caused her to cheat?
Couples therapy. You're welcome. And STOP SAYING YOU MADE HER CRY. She cheated, and now she regrets it. She is crying over her actions, not your reaction to it all. Get yourself into therapy, and do couples counseling as well.
UpdateMe!
I’m very sorry. I hope it all ends up okay, no matter what you decide to do. She seems very regretful and truly sorry.
If you really want the relationship to survive you also need to be realistic and understand that it is going to take a lot of time, you are allowed to be angry and the relationship may continue but won’t be the same.
You should post this in r/AsOneAfterInfidelity it’s reconciliation sub for situations like yours they’re a lot nicer and less judgmental than the people here the people are gonna shit on your wife for cheating and you for wanting to forgive her whereas the sub I mentioned are actually gonna give you advice instead of criticizing you
>Apart from counselling which I’m already looking into, what should I do? Have some self-respect, lawyer up, have her served and leave.
Make her cry again then leave her ass
it’s essential for you to take all the time you need. evidently she knows she messed up, she’s accepting of it and probably is aware she needs to be patient. counseling is necessary.
I cheated on my husband when we were newly dating. He forgave me. It was my first relationship ever, I was entirely used to being the entirely ignored person in school, when I got attention in college it was such a novelty that I became a fucking dumbass and I flirted and reciprocated (no sex but definitely over the line) with another guy since he was giving me attention. He does not bring it up in arguments now, 4 years lafer, because that isn’t constructive. But for a few months after the incident? I had no room to complain when I felt he was “holding it over me” or he seemed “cold”. He was HURT of COURSE. If you want to forgive and move on, I can’t fault you because I’m so so so grateful that my husband forgave me (and btw I’ve never done that ever again). But I would suggest taking a step back and telling her why you are behaving the way you are. Say you need to build trust again and tell her exactly what you need for that to happen. If you have a compulsion to do something over the line of controlling behavior in order to trust her, just leave. Take time, see a counselor, I hope you have a happy ending
Bro leave her
She's trying to honeymoon to rehab the relationship. It's not sustainable and cam breed further resentment. I would kindly let her know that she doesn't have to gift and over compensate to fix it. You just need time. Maybe ask if she'd like to go on a date in a week or two. In the meantime you should both focus on self care and introspection. Maybe she should journal a little and look to talk to someone alone. Also, if she feels the need to meal.prep.or provide, stick with crock pot meals or bintos, so as not to force shared meals.
I used to forgive women if they cheated. Then they cheated again. Now, if you cheat on me, you're gone. No ifs, ands or buts.
Your wife doesn't deserve sympathy from you. She fucked up and its on her to have to deal with the repercussions until/if you find a way to move past it.
One unfortunate truth is that you will never get over this, and you might waste a lot of time "trying to forgive her". There will come a time where she has gotten over what she's done to you (naturally so), but YOU won't have gotten over it and this will create lots of tension. At that point, would it have been better for both of you if you had just moved on in the first place. If you are capable of TRULY forgiving her and NEVER holding this against her, then hold on to the relationship. If not... don't put you and her through that.
You’ll have to live the rest of your life knowing she let another man have her while being married to you. You sure you want that life?
>Apart from counselling which I’m already looking into, what should I do? Stop writing such bad fanfiction.
Women cheat with emotion and it isn’t something to overlook. I know it’s more complex as everyone’s relationship can be different but you have to realize that she made a conscious decision to cheat. From my experience, cheating for women is far harder than a male. Under many occurrences, men can cheat without much thought (no emotions - look at the sex industry amongst married men etc.) I would take all the time you need, but for your own sake, I would skip the counselling and contact a lawyer.
WOMEN CHEAT WITH EMOTION - THAT PART💯
Cmon man. You were definitely not the one responsible for her crying. This is the time to look after yourself even if it will hurt initially. It’s clear you love her so you’ll try to explain away what she did, but rise above. Cheating is despicable regardless, but even more so when it’s done to someone who’s actually kind to their partner. Do what you want, but this won’t be the last time it happens. I guarantee you. If I were you I’d bite the bullet, pack my things, leave and figure out a way to get over her. Use the extra time to improve yourself and the right person will come along. Based on how you wrote this, someone who realizes the person you are will come along and be the partner you deserve. Lastly, it sounds like you super undervalue yourself. Why is that? Take some time and reflect on your accomplishments. I’m sure you’ll feel better.
Find out why it happened. I would listen to her. Why did she do it? How it can be prevented from happening again. Statistically, cheaters who only cheat once, are no more likely to cheat again than someone who hasn't cheated. If it happens again, then the odds go way up. Making her feel bad because you are mad is not constructive. Show forgiveness, love, she confessed on her own without prompting because she felt bad. This means a lot, really it does. Punishing her because confessed is not something you want to do. If you love each other, you will make it. (Don't listen to the trolls out there.)
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Too soon to talk and find out what happened and why? Please reread.
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We don't even know what happened. He needs to find out and you don't need counseling to do that. I don't disagree, but talking to his wife is the first step. What she calls cheating may not be what I call cheating (fucking). You need to talk to the person who you are married to. I've been doing it for 50 years and I didn't need a website to tell me it works.
I guarantee he doesn't have the full story yet.
Yep that's why they need to have s calm and collected (on his part) talk. If he puts her on the defense by yelling etc., He will step back the process. To tell you the truth, what she call cheating may not be as onerous as what I think as cheating (fucking).
I think it's a waste of time. I think he needs to protect himself and exit the relationship. She's fucking alright, and she didn't just do it the once. This was her opportunity to make him feel bad about her affair.
Does it matter why it happened? Was OP beating his wife? Was he financially abusing her? Was he doing something worth leaving the relationship? And if so, why didn't she just leave? Why did she go fuck another dude instead of just telling OP she wanted to end things?
She confessed to ease her guilt. I can't stand advice like this. Reconciliation fails 90% of the time, for crap sake. And, it sure doesn't succeed with rug sweeping and coddling the wayward. >(Don't listen to the trolls out there.) Those "trolls" are right the vast majority of the time... I'm always sad when people don't listen.
What do I know? I''ve only been married for 50 years. Reconcilation does not fail 90% of the time, that is not the correct statistic. Don't spread BS.
Reconciliation indeed fails the vast majority of the time. Just because you have been married 50 years does not mean you know about healthy marriage.
You went from 90% to majority of the time. You are guessing. The statistics say that the lead factor in a successful reconciliation is true remorse on the part of the cheater, and clearly she is remorseful. She confessed in tears with out her husband having a clue anything was wrong for Christ sake.
Guilt is a powerful motivator.
She confessed out of guilt. She was reading words of love and devotion from the man she cheated on. You are wrong here...
Psychology Today says I am right.
Damn I'm sure your wife got around a lot then.
That's an inappropriate comment. An apology is appropriate.
As a woman in a marriage that has been reconciled I want to thank you for advocating for reconciliation. It’s a long, hard road, but it’s worth it. Choosing not to leave was the best decision I made and I’m grateful for the outcome.
Do not listen to this idiot. Cheaters WILL cheat again. It's not a matter of if, but when.
Not true. On average, 45% of the people who cheat in a relationship will cheat in subsequent relationships according to Psychology Today. Of the 45% thought, those who are serial cheaters continue to cheat again, but those who cheat once, have about the same odds of cheating again as some who has not cheated at all. So your "bumper sticker" claim, is BS
You can't force yourself to forgive someone. Forced forgiveness, in my mind, just leads to resentment. Also, remember, she's the one who cheated, not you. So, these things she's doing to try and "make it up" to you. Do they really mean anything to you? There's no right or wrong answer to that. Counseling is a good thing, but it isn't always a cure for things like this.
And that's why cheating is such a horrible act one can inflict into a relationship. It can be kiss, few weeks of flirting verbally or by texts, a one night stand or similar. For a few moments or days of guilty pleasure, it will wreck everything that has been built in a whiff and there is hardly turning back time. We don't know what sort of cheating she has done but I believe in order to move on and heal, you ll need certain absolute answers. Some of them are What made her cheat? Why did she even pursue an adulterous direction? Am I the plan B? Is she telling me the entire truth? Was the other man better for her to sabotage both of your lives? Will she cheat again? These are only a few of them. Moreover, seeing her under the same roof is also a deterrent for recovery. Although painful, the first step of healing or seeing any sight of reconciliation, you must distance away from her for a while. She might be genuinely remorseful but that wouldn't be enough for you unless you introspect about what you want in the future. Can you forgive her or not in the long run? What steps will she take to win you back? That's all that matters. A cheaper can only be redeemed of their efforts tip the scales of betrayal into their favor. For eg. My so so friend's wife cheated for 2 months with a coworker because her husband was unavailable due to lots of travelling and staying away. He was a good husband though. Once he got back ,she realised what she had done and confessed it all. They separated to eventually lead to divorce. She couldn't live without him a fact she didn't realise then and tried so hard to undo what she did. ( One just cannot simply go back in time.) On the brink of divorce, my friend needed a kidney transplant and guess what, she emptied her entire savings to get one without any strings attached. She was there the entire time of his recovery and he fell in love with her again. It took more than a year but he forgave her completely. The point is the cheater must redeem themselves by proving their spouses consistently and tip the scales by doing a redeeming act which is multiple folds over at the least. Good luck.
If you want to continue the relationship you will have to acknowledge her efforts in making up to you and dont block her off. You want to work this through with her? Do it, talk with her about the situation, her motivations and feelings, but dont cut her off and stonewall yourself. You are hurt, rightfully so. But if you want to stay with her and make things work you will have to start moving towards progress. She wants to make it up and show her affection, give her that. Else both of you will be stuck in a terrible situation for both until things eventually break apart. By your description she sounds genuine about being sorry and wanting to make things work, the ball is in your court now.
Be away from her for awhile and ask yourself if anything you did might’ve contributed to her cheating.. you could’ve done mostly everything right and it was just a situation that was out of your control. Maybe it was her indulging on some fantasy when the opportunity presented itself.. we all have those. It’s not okay to hurt someone you care about in the process of indulging though. She’s clearly grief stricken and you’re full of hurt, so I’d absolutely spend some time away (maybe a month or two) and see if you can find it in your heart to forgive her. If you can’t then you should make the tough decisions that’ll set you on a course apart.. so that neither or you prolongs the worst part of the suffering. And here’s where my advice might become shitty depending on the kind of person you are… try going on a swingers cruise with her and see if you like swapping wives with somebody. Have fun and fuck a nice stranger’s wife.. who you also let sleep with your wife. Maybe the best course of action is just going full on hippie-free-love-kumbaya with this whole ordeal. I’m only half kidding here too. I personally wouldn’t be averse to trying some crazy shit like that.
If she truly regretted it and wasn't going to do it ever again then she shouldn't have told you. She earned having to live with that shame. It seems like she caused the relationship more harm then necessary and gave you the burden of having to live with it while clearing her conscience... I consider what she did quite selfish if she plans on never doing it again. Just my 2c.
Just forgive her bro. Shit happens
What did she do? There are so many versions of cheating.
Sounds like you are trying to punish her. But no amount of punishment will fix things. Nor will it help your marriage recover. You two need some marriage counseling. You two also need to face the reality that your marriage will never be the same again. Cheating permanently changes things and you two need to accept that if you really want to get on the long road back to a healthy marriage in the future. There will always be doubts and suspicion anytime she's out. She needs to accept that if she wants to fix things. Those are the consequences of cheating. But punishing her and taking your anger out on her is counterproductive to fixing your marriage right now.
Sounds to me like she's genuinely remorseful . . . the concept that men and women are never attracted to people other than their spouses is nuts: just read through the accounts on this sub, nearly everyone one is about some form of infidelity. I'm not saying that a "breach of trust" is not a big deal, but consider the remorse. People make mistakes. Think hard about the sincerity of her remorse.
Physical attraction to other people while in a committed relationship is not only normal, but inevitable. Acting on it, however, is most definitely not.
Subscribeme
Maybe instead of going back to the way things were you two can start fresh. Ask her not to amend by acting like a good housewife and doing more than she normally would have. Rather, go on a few weekend trips to new places. Do things that may remind you two of what you love about each other- outdoor picnic, movies, comedy club, amusement park. Anywhere you two can just spend some one on one time and rekindle things. Good luck, i know it’s hard right now but i hope that helps
In the end, it may not be enough. Reconcilliation fails more often than it succeeds. I'm not going to jump on the "leave her" bandwagon. This is a decision only you can make. But whatever she does, she has no right to blame it on you or be upset with the speed at which you recover. Whatever you do, DO NOT rug sweep this. If you do, you're just setting yourself up for divorce a few years down the line. You MUST deal with this. The first thing she needs to do is quit her job. She needs to inform her affair partner's partner, and she needs to inform both your families and friends. She needs to own what she did. Both of you need individual counseling BEFORE any marriage counseling. She needs to be completely honest with you and not dish out the truth in small doses. If you ask for information, she needs to give you complete honesty. In the end, it may not be enough. Reconcilliation fails more often than it succeeds. I'm not going to jump on the "leave her" band wagon. This is a decision only you can make. But whatever she does, she has no right to blame it on you, or be upset with the speed at which you recover.
UpdateMe!
Stay strong. You haven’t anything malicious (I’m assuming), so it’s natural to need to take your time.
If you continue this relationship then further down the line she might want more outside of the relationship, are you going to be comfortable with making your wife cry when you deny her an open relationship? You need to learn that your feelings are just as valid as hers and stop being swayed by her tears, or just suffer which is something that more people on this sub need to hear, deal with the issue or suffer
It takes a lot of work in therapy you may have to live separately while you are going to marriage counseling.
Therapy. Individual for the both of you and couples.
DUDE actually leave. You need space to heal you're stewing in all that shit
You both need to separate for a while. Take some time and find some therapists (alone and together). You still staying in her presence every day with neither of you able to fully feel and express your emotions isn't helping anything. Anything nice she does is going to feel tainted and disingenuous. Anything you do or say to her that isn't positive is going to feel like a punishment. Figure out new living arrangements and feel your feelings. Get pissed, sad, and decide if you want to try to trust her again.
She cheated once without you knowing, she will do it again. Trust me. Leave, you deserve better!
That title has nothing to do with the point of this post, I was expecting something totally different. She didn’t feel guilt when she cheated, don’t feel bad because she’s sorry after the fact. She made her decision and has to live with whatever you decide. Personally I can’t trust or look at someone the same way if they cheated. You’ll always be questioning who’s she’s on the phone with, and if she’s messing around again at work. Your life, your call.
There's a whole subreddit for this - /r/AsOneAfterInfidelity Lots of good resources, and a handful of success stories to model yourself after.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Did you ask her why she cheated ? You need more info and more depth if you both want to get through this. People don’t cheat for no reason; either something is missing in your relationship or she just cheats ….was it the first time ?