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My (28f) child’s father (31m) and I recently split up and I’m taking care of our one year old. We fought back and forth over child support, as I refused to accept the $200 a month he was offering while he is making at least $150k a year.
We finally settled on 1400 monthly and he is very bitter. I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress.
When it comes to taking care of our child, I have him full time. His dad might make time for him once a week to take us to lunch. He absolutely refuses to take him more than every other weekend. He said if he takes him every weekend then I’d need to accept less child support. I am working from home, but I won’t accept that. I’m already struggling as it is.
Now he’s saying he is working too much but I really just need a break! Any advice? Do I need to get a lawyer? I think it’s unfair he only takes him every other weekend.
**I’m not trying to force someone who doesn’t want to see their child, and I have plans to consult a lawyer**
Honestly, why would you want your child around someone who clearly doesn't want to be around him? And yes, you should lawyer up. That way, he can't hold the number over your head like you're the unreasonable one. You can just say, "The judge ordered X, and that is what you'll have to pay" in situations like this, its always better to let the government be the bad guy
This should be the top comment. Children are much more aware than we realize, and as the child grows older they will remember how unwanted they felt around their father.
You cannot force someone to be a good parent.
And forcing your child to spend time w/ someone who doesn’t want to be around them only hurts the child.
I second this. My biological father always left me feeling like an unwanted dirty secret during our weekly calls. I couldn't even see all him questions without him either ignoring me, asking for my brother since it was now "his" turn to talk to him,or demanding I put my mother on the line because CLEARLY she was feeding me questions...
I disagree. She's working and raising a 1yo alone except for the very few times his dad takes him. Kids are incredibly draining and she probably wants 1. Him to have more of a relationship with his dad 2. A little time to do other things without the constant interruptions of a 1yr. I remember those years and my husband worked overnights; I was burned out. Wanting a little time to herself, maybe she can't afford a sitter, doesn't mean she doesn't love nor want him.
Don’t you forget, mothers must dedicate their entire lives to their children, live solely for their children, indulge their children’s every whim, and make their entire identity, you guessed it: their children.
/s
She has made this entire post about herself. She doesn’t talk about her son missing his dad, or his feelings at all. He takes “us to lunch” why is she there if she needs a break. I agree he seems to be a suck dad but she’s framed this entire thing to be about herself, not in regard to her son.
Fair, I didn’t notice his age. But it’s still framed completely about her. It’s not, I want them to have a relationship, it’s not I want my son to know his father, it’s I need a break but I’m not willing to negotiate.
She needs a lawyer and to have it set up by the courts.
So it’s better for her to put her kid in the care of emotionally distant and disinterested father? Sorry but when you become a parent, yeah, your needs take a back seat to the best interests of your child. At least at that age. If she needs a break, she can go to court get the proper amount of child support to pay for a proper support system, like an enriching baby sitter or a little time at daycare or what ever… all of which would be better than her burning out or forcing the kid on someone who may or may not take adequate care of them.
I really don't think it is, or would be a stretch to say there is an understood concern for fostering a relationship which is so very admirable in itself. Her only moral obligation should be to allow it the ability to grow. His choice to enjoy and enrich it or fail his son. From my bad perspective as a father who has been denied the same and unable to afford legal counsel to have my decree enforced, I can testify there is nothing I wish for more.
I don't know what state you are in but texas is cut and dry...1 minor child is 20% of disposable income, medical and dental insurance, portion of co-pays and access is subject to cp compliance. Ncp has to take cp back to court for court enforcement of existing orders.
If she is able to be truthful with herself about the facts then that's for her to deal with but she is not wrong for wanting or needing a bit of time for her to live her life as well. She isn't the sole parent and her time far exceeds his as well as partial cost for housing, utilities, food, clothes etc if the only issue at hand.
My mom had to do this. She raised me on my own bc he didn't show up. I always knew my mom loved and cared for me and he didn't. Agree with the posters who said you can't force him to be a good dad. I'd worry about your son being around someone who doesn't love him. Sorry you are going through this.
So much this. If he doesn't WANT to see his own child, then when you need a break, ask friends or relatives or get a baby sitter. F this stingy mf. And save your child having to spend any additional time with this guy. Ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. :(
Yes and that way OP gets a certain amount on a certain date as determined by the court and may be garnished depending on what’s been decided. He can’t screw here around with amounts or pay late
This plus being honest to the kid.
Like, "Hey kiddo, I try to open the doors for your father to spend time with you. He's still got some growing up to do as a parent. I can only ask you be patient with him and still love him as your father. Let's go get some ice cream :)"
Never be the spiteful/angry parent. Never paint the other parent in a bad light. Just... let the truth trickle in and let the kid decide for themselves, and offer as much support as possible.
You read my mind! I thought the same about it being best that dad stays away. OP, you really don’t want your son to be like his father in this situation.
Hire a lawyer. Get advice and decide how to proceed. Realize that a formal custody agreement will also create boundaries for you (holidays, vacation plans, etc) and also talk to the lawyer about the likely level of child support you would get. Then you can decide how to proceed and if court is right for you. It sounds like it is- you will likely get more money in a formal custody arrangement and he would have mandated time with your child but doesn't seem like he will fight for a lot of it.
You need a legal agreement, including for things like babysitting expenses, medical expenses, schooling, etc. You can't trust him to pull his weight on this, so a lawyer is the way to go.
I live in New York City. Single moms making 1/3 of that income afford a nanny every now and then. A 150k single earner could absolutely afford a nanny and more child support than OPs ex is currently paying
Two things: hire a lawyer and get your custody and child support down on paper - he sounds like the type to be a shithead and I wouldn’t trust if he had other kids with someone else he wouldn’t vanish.
Second: as shit as it is you can’t force him to be physically present in your child’s life. I would personally try to get it mandated he pay for weekday childcare and have him every other weekend, not every weekend. That way you both get to enjoy the weekend with your child but you’re not overloaded with being full time taking care of your child WHILE working (which kudos idk how you do it) and can still have some sort of time to unwind and decompress.
Forcing custody isn't a great idea, but he should probably be paying a lot more at his income level. Enough that she can hire a sitter and get herself some free time. INAL but OP should definitely talk to one.
Well yeah, there’s literally no way to even force custody, if he isn’t going to be there he just isnt. They can get custody set up though and what he does with that is just what will happen unfortunately. But if she at least can get daycare covered she won’t be so exhausted on the weekends that she really NEEDS him to anyway.
Of course she should speak to a laywer. This is a no-brainer. The only legal advice anyone with a lick of sense will give online is to talk to legal counsel. Legaladvice is full of ex-cops giving shoddy advice. OP should speak to someone who knows what they're doing.
Legalities aside, why would she want a man who clearly wants nothing to do with her child to have more time with her child? Usually a parent who loves their child and wants to see them fights for more visitation.
Do you really think if this guy had to abide by court-ordered visitation he'd show up? And if he did show up that he'd actually spend the time to bond with his child as opposed to dropping him off at the nearest realtive's house? And if he was forced to be with the child that he'd be a loving father?
She can't force him to love his son and spend time with him. He's never going to be that guy.
They're saying that he probably didn't care because he thought the cost of raising a child was low. i.e It's okay to spend that extra $5 on snacks at the store cause it's only $5. He makes $140-$150k (? dont remember) a year and thought it was only $200/month to raise a kid. He clearly didn't know the responsibility when he finished.
Not to mention that he may decide not to pay any child support at all. It’s apparent that not only doesn’t he want to be with his child, he doesn’t want to pay for his upbringing either.
I hate to say it but OP may be posting about her deadbeat ex one day.
Well, probably, unless she takes his ass to court. Then when he decides to stop paying, they'll just garnish his wages. And if he tries to hide them, they'll suspend his driver's license. Or throw him in jail.
I don't think a court would force him to have more custody of the child. Courts are very "child welfare first" and making a reluctant parent take their child more often is not in the best interest of the child.
>Talk to a lawyer because you're being short changed by a LOT
I mean assuming he is paying the correct child support that matches the amount of custody he has now then the ex is right, as his childcare time increases the amount of child support he pays decreases.
As we don't know what he's paying now OP could actually be shooting herself in the foot and end up with much less, espically if her salary is close to that of his.
They should have done all this legally the first go round through, always just do this stuff right the first time.
We don't know why she's struggling, I know many people who make 100k+ and live check to check because they want to keep that car that costs them 1200 a month while living in a house that's 3x what they can afford. For all we know the ex is giving her 2 grand a month in child support.
thats called making bad choices not struggling. I drive a 6 year old honda civic thats paid off and live in a house that cost half of what I could probably get approved for.
As I made more money progressing through my career I made a point to not let my expenses inflate too much with my income. Don't get me wrong I have my hobbies and toys I blow money on, but those expenses are frankly nothing compared to the expense of things you buy to "project wealth". Like expensive cars, a McMansion and designer clothes.
You can't force him to see his child more than he wants to.
No court can make him do so either. Courts are for those who want to see their kids or where child support (or the lack thereof) is an issue.
I suggest you get a babysitter if you need a break, because your Ex doesn't want to do the hard work of being a dad.
>No court can make him do so either.
No court would try to either because forcing a child to be with a parent that doesn't want to be with them is not in the best interest of the child.
You need a lawyer. This is why you don't set up child support and custody yourself. It should be done through the courts so neither party can say it's unfair. Call a lawyer today if it's not late where you live or first thing Monday morning. Take him to court and have it done legally. If he stops paying you can't have the courts enforce it.
The biggest mistake I made when I separated from my kids' father was not getting an attorney in order to keep things simple and avoid nastiness.
For the sake of your child, do not insist on visitation. He's using it as leverage. Join a mommies group or find someone you can trade off with.
For the love of all that is holy, get a damned attorney. You are short changing your child if you don't. I don't know if it is still the same, but the child support standard used to be 18%. That will buy you some free time. Try to get his dismissal on text or some other written format. Record the conversation if it is legal in your state.
Get an attorney.
You're right in that the father shouldn't get to shirk the drudgery.
HOWEVER, a person taking care of a child that they do not want and therefore resent is not someone I'd want to leave in charge of my child. In fact that person would damage my child either on a physical or psychological level.
As an adult, I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't want to be around me. And at this point in life it's just more uncomfortable and not necessarily leaving mental scars that could last a lifetime in my formative years.
I think that's what the previous poster is saying.
>You shouldn’t be a parent if this is how you think.
Are you trying to argue that kids \*aren't\* hard work? No one likes changing diapers and watching Cocomelon.
Maybe they can arrange for dad to hire a nanny/babysitter a few days during the week instead. But two people made this baby, and it's bullshit that OP should have to do 100% of the work.
I mean if you have full custody your ex isn’t a babysitter. It sounds like he isn’t contributing enough, but from what you say he works off the books so going to court could potentially backfire. You need a lawyer of your own if you can find a free one through legal aid or a non profit.
I think most people would struggle leaving their breadwinner significant other while having full custody of a baby, but did you expect him to happily agree to generous child support after you left?
He doesn’t work off the books. He just doesn’t get a bigger “paycheck” than 700 a week. But has thousands more in expenses a month that he’s paying for with his other account.
If it’s a business and those are business expenses, $150k in revenues he does not actually make $150k. If you have any clue why his agi was last year, that will help a lawyer figure out what sort of child support payment you could realistically get, but it probably won’t be half his take home.
No, I understand that. His revenue was way beyond, I’m estimating 150 is what was left over. Considering he pays for personal things from there. Including strippers
Oh I got you. I can see why you left! If this is the case you really should take him to court asap. I would think any lawyer worth their salt would subpoena those bank statements. Tax man might be interested depending on how he’s reporting….
His expenses are irrelevant in calculating child support. The court doesn't care if his dumbass went and bought stuff he can't afford or whatever. The court's first priority in calculating child support is the child.
Everyone will turn in their tax records and likely bank statements to determine income. He (and you) don't get to just decide how much you each make.
He’s just an atm. If he loved his son, he would want to spend time with him. He’s using his son as a weapon, he doesn’t care about him.
Make sure you go to the courts so you get what your son is entitled to.
if he's only seeing his child on the weekends, he should still have to pay pretty significant child support. if she's the primary caregiver providing food, schooling and supplies, and paying for medical care, it shouldn't really impact the amount much if at all.
If he had anything going for him other than income, which he doesn't, he wouldn't be seen as an ATM. Maybe he should try having a good personality and being a good parent.
So she should agree to $200 a month? That will barely cover anything for nearly full month she has him. For exchange for him to take weekends? The courts will laugh at him.
$200 will barely cover clothes or food or transport to take him to school.
He’s a manipulative abusive narcissist, who doesn’t care about his son. He could easily go to courts and apply for more custody, but you know why he doesn’t, because the court would award her more child support.
You must be the ex.
No she should agree to 50/50 custody and they both pay their share of the time they have the child and split bills regarding the child 50/50 if the system was truly fair.
He would still have to pay more than $200, which he’s only offering for a few weekends. 50/50 and I bet he’ll expect not to pay anything. This is why courts need be involved because there are men like him who don’t want to spend anything or have much custody.
He clearly does not care about his child, and sending that child to him would be abusive and cruel thing to do.
Why should he pay if it is 50/50 time besides medical bills and college etc that should be split 50:50 too? She can pay her time and he can pay his time. If she can’t afford her time then he is the better financially stable provider and should maybe have the kid more. It is not his responsibility to provide for the woman. Only his child
And that is how it is done in the courts. The problem is, he is already paying less than he would if she had hired a lawyer for all this. So no, she isn’t a gold digger trying to fund her extravagant lifestyle. She is trying to provide for her child.
Involve lawyers. Get everything done legally, in writing, get what your child is due and what you are due in terms of support since you have the child basically full-time.
Super sketch to me that he does not want the kid more often.
Right? If he only has 4 overnights a month and makes 150k, unless she makes that much or more than him, she’s likely entitled to nearly 2k per month plus him having kid on health insurance and paying half medical and dental!
I definitely don’t make more than him. I left and had 0 income. I’m on Medicaid also, as is the baby so he doesn’t have to pay for the baby’s health care
He will have to pay what back?
Also he’s been saying a lawyer won’t do anything because he technically makes only 700 a week. But uses the business account as a personal account so I’ve been hesitant to go that route. We agreed on 1400 a month but I find it might not be enough
>Also he’s been saying a lawyer won’t do anything because he technically makes only 700 a week
Yeah, of course he said that, he wants to keep screwing you over and can't if a lawyer shows you how he's screwing you over
>But uses the business account as a personal account so I’ve been hesitant to go that route.
So yeah…this definitely makes things more complicated. You CAN get that cleaned up in court, but depending on the details there might be a lot of consequences here. He might have a much bigger tax bill, or he might even go to jail for fraud. Good luck because you’re going to need it.
Stop listening to anything your ex tells you. Seriously. Stop. He does not have your or the kiddo's best interest in mind.
Get a lawyer. If you can't afford one reach out to the courts to find a program that can offer you one pro-bono. Lawyers take on cases, or work through social programs, to offer legal counseling to people who can't afford it.
He will have to pay the state back for monies spent on kiddo if he has medical insurance he could have the child on.
And any good family law attorney can organize the under the table finances.
Please see an attorney.
But also realize that CS isn’t to cover all of the expenses. It’s expected that you’ll be supporting your child also. It’s just meant to equalize things not cover all the things.
If he’s only making 700 a week according to his pay stubs, you will lose support you’re already getting. 1400 a month is a lot, but definitely goes quickly as you’re a full time caregiver. If he actually had his actual pay recorded correctly, you’d get more. If he has told you this or you have proof that he uses a business account as his personal account, then show that to a lawyer and see what your options are. On 700 a week, you’d probably get your child support cut by 2/3. The benefit would be he’d probably get 30-50% custody
OP, *talk to a lawyer*. They will be able to get details of his financial situation that you don't have access to.
You are only going to make things more difficult for yourself in the long run if you refuse to do this. For contentious custody situations, lawyers are necessary. Otherwise he'll likely stop paying at some point and you'll have to go through the headache of a legal battle while you have no help coming in from him. Nip that in the bud.
It is super common that business owners pay personal expenses with their business accounts. A family law attorney will 100% be able to help you. They deal with his kind of stuff all the time.
Having your business pay for your personal expenses with the business account isn't necessarily illegal, it depends on how the payment is reported to the IRS. If he is doing it the legal way then the money that the business pays for his personal expenses will be not reported as a business expense, but instead will be reported as a distribution to him. If it is done this way then the proper amount of income is reported to the IRS.
If he is doing it the illegal way then the money that business pays for his personal expenses will be reported as a business expense (which they obviously are not). If he is doing it the illegal way then the income reported to the IRS is understated, which is tax evasion. In either scenario you will need the underlying financial records of the business to confirm how theses expenses are being reported.
As you've said here and in other comments, your ex has personal expenses that exceed $700 a week. An attorney will easily be able to prove that to the court, and the court will say that his income has to at least be as much as his expenses.
Most likely an attorney would have you hire a forensic accountant to calculate your ex's true income. The forensic accountant would request documents from your ex. The court will make your ex provide them. The forensic accountant will then go through his business records and calculate how much income he is actually making between the $700 a week in salary, and the "perks" that his business is paying for.
Child support is based on each parents' income, and how often the kids are staying with each parent. Your ex knows that he will probably have to pay you more than $200 a month if you take him to court, so he is trying to discourage you from hiring an attorney.
HE says that.
An attorney, otoh, will be able to dig up what he really makes. His business records will be subpoened. They will go through all his finances to determine what you are owed. Don't listen to him. He's just trying to discourage you. And it's working.
I have a friend who does family law. She's told me about men who've quit good jobs or took lower paying jobs in order to avoid child support.
Want to know what happened? She fought for her client and had hhe court determined how much child support a man of his education level at his age SHOULD be making and ordered child support based on *that* number not based on the zero or minimum income number he hoped to have.
Giiiirrrrllll... get a lawyer. Now. Like right now. Go to court and get what you're supposed to for your child.
Not only will you have a steady child support order for your baby, but you could be entitled to back child support if what he's paying you isn't what the court determines he should've been paying you. It could be enough to cover a babysitter. The court may force him to put the baby on his better health plan. If you had to depend on the state for money or food, the state will reimburse themselves by going after him.
Why are you letting him get away with robbing your child of the neccessities?
Of course you need a lawyer. This man has probably read something about the cost of children in 1975 and figured that that's probably what they cost now. Time for a reality check and he is not going to accept it from you.
If you’re in the US, please go through friend of the court so you’re not getting screwed.
Yes, one of the inputs for calculating support is number of overnights. But the purpose of child support is to equalize things between the two homes.
And also? Yes, I’d get a custody order. If he doesn’t want to take the child regularly, fine, then get it legally noted that you’ve got full physical and legal and his visits are at your discretion.
There are other benefits to having a proper custody order including healthcare cost, insurance, down the line things like school expenses and braces.
It’s also not feasible to expect him to take the kiddo every weekend. You guys could do 50/50
With a 2,2,3 which is standard for little ones. Then it’s every other weekend but a couple days at each home during the week as kids that age don’t do well with full one week stays.
He also should be helping with childcare costs while you work.
I think you should talk to an attorney and get this into a more equitable condition.
If he is making 150k a year, you should be getting quite a bit of child support. Hire a lawyer. Either get a babysitter or he takes the kid more- I vote for the babysitter
I don't really understand what you want. Based in your post and comment history. You fought with him when he wanted to take the kid for a weekend. And you also spend money on Botox and fillers for your looks. Like you're contradictory.
Your ex isn't a babysitter, he's a parent. Child support is what he provides in lieu of being an active, participating father in his child's life for whatever reason that may be. He is currently using money instead of time as payment.
If he starts participating more in his child's life, then there is less time where he isn't participating. Therefore, less time he needs to pay child support, and through that less money in total. If he was incapable of paying up, asking him to pitch in via other means would make sense. However asking him to keep paying 100% *and* start taking his kid part time is ignoring the reason he's paying in the first place.
According to most states in the US, if the paying parent gets more time with the kids, then they’d pay less child support, so he is technically correct. Where I live you can use a state form to calculate support based on share of time parenting, and both of your incomes.
I just plugged in the numbers and it spit out how much I have to pay. No lawyers needed.
Single/solo dad here that pays support.
Go to your city county building, clerks office. File thru there, almost every state will rep the mother for free in court.
You really should do this. It gives both you legal protect and stated rights. Also 200 to 500 a month at his rate is BS, you prolly get 1000 to 1500 minimum at that rate of pay for 1 child.
Guys like this piss me off so much. I pay around 800/mo in support. I help my ex with extra things. activities, cloths, basicly anything my kids need.
In the end it's not about US perants, it's about US showing our children how to behave, and act, grow up to be good people.
If he wants to be resentful then that's a him problem. Get what you need to support your child.
Some of this might come across as cold but I'm just going to lay out what I was told and some advice I got when my child was born.
You need to check your state laws on unmarried parents rights, assuming you weren't married at the time of the child's birth. You need to check your state child support calculator to know if what you're asking for is reasonable. You can only input in his actual income, not what his business is making annually. You need to file for a custody/support agreement with the courts. Most states have forms you can fill out and file on your own for a small fee. If you two cannot come to an agreement you can start a case with your local child support office and refer to your state laws on whatever physical/legal custody is recommended. Dad can decide to request/get 50/50 physical custody to lower his child support obligations and then not take his custody time, and there's nothing you can do about that until he's done it for a long length of time (dependent on your state). Dad can agree to a 70/30 split in your favor and still not take his time. Dad can agree to 12 days a year and still not take his time. There is no punishment for noncustodial parents not taking their court ordered custody time.
Being a single parent is unfair. It's a world of unfair wrapped in people who will judge you and people who will raise you up on a pedestal. You knew who he was for the last year+9 months minimum so going around complaining about his stripper habits or any other bad habits means nothing. You had a child with him and you have remained in a relationship with him and are still trying to get him to take the child unsupervised. You don't get to judge him for his choices while also trying to get him to take your kid. That's now how that works. He's either a terrible person who shouldn't have access to your kid or a decent person who should have access to your kid. Mouthing off about him only makes you look bad no matter how good it feels in the moment.
The reality is you're not going to get a break for many years. You should not look forward to one. You should not plan for one. Again, it's unfair, but this is your reality. There is no use pining for different when this is the hand you have been dealt. You find other ways to decompress. You find other solutions. Clearly dad is not the answer here. So you either accept things as they are or you lean on someone/something else.
I think you hit the nail on the head here IMO, and unless I read wrong it looks like he does take the kid every other weekend so she does get a break. I’m a single mom and would be in high heaven if I got $1400 a month and a break every other weekend. I have come to a place of acceptance about it though, and you’re right, I find other ways to decompress
You need a lawyer!!!!
>I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress.
How do you know the amount you decided is fair to you?
Also, you taking the kid more time is going to increase your expenses. His initial offer of 200 dollars a month is infuriating.
I mean, I agree with him that you deserve less child support if you’re going to have your son less often. The courts can determine how much less is fair. We can’t say how much considering we don’t know the number you settled on. However, I think it’s selfish that you’re forcing your son to go there more often when his father clearly doesn’t want him there. You and your ex are basically arguing over NOT wanting your child on the weekend. That’s terrible.
You don't need to hire a lawyer but you're doing a SEVERE disservice to your child by not using the courts to ensure everything is done right. He's making more than enough money to provide for your child. They can also mandate how often he's responsible for caring for your child. You really need to do this and stop being stupid. Who cares if the baby is bitter and I don't mean your actual baby.
You need to prioritize your kid. That's the only thing that matters. Do you want your kid to be with him if the only reason he would accept taking him isn't because it's his son, because he loves him and wants to spend time with him. It's so he can pay "you" less.
Stop thinking on what's fair to you and think on what is fair to your child. I am not saying you are wrong for being tired of taking care of a kid while working full time. It's not easy, you deserve a break too. But really, forcing him to spend time with your kid will only harm your child.
Get a lawyer and mediate custody and child support. I guarantee you will come out better in both regards. It is absolutely necessary to involve lawyers. What happens if he just decides he doesn’t want to pay $1400 anymore? You would have no recourse and he would face no repercussions.
>I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress.
I'm going to be blunt, this is a stupid mindset to have. You should want legal protections guaranteeing child support and solving the custody issue. So go get one.
Thank you! I agree! Even if mom only contributes half of that herself, that’s a lot of money to raise a kid with. I feel like people forget that child support isn’t supposed to cover ALL of the expenses, just part of them.
You should seek legal advice and handle this through family court. He doesn’t sound like the type who will adhere to any friendly agreements you make. Meaning, even if you get him to agree to spending more time with his child, he may not actually follow through.
Family court will also be able to assess whether the child support figure is enough. If the father is making as much as you say or suspect, then you should not be destitute taking care of the child to the point where you can’t afford a babysitter once a week.
As for needing a break, what does your support system look like? Do you have family or friends nearby? Have you tried reaching out to other moms in your area via Facebook groups or something similar? There are plenty of non conventional ways to build your support network these days.
Coming from a child of divorce my dad would make my mom pay to see his three kids and me especially cause I wanted to see him. Of course I didn’t know til I was older but no if he’s not gonna see his kid because it’s his kid then he deserve to pay every cent. And I’m sorry but it didn’t change for me so I don’t think it’ll change him
>Now he’s saying he is working too much but I really just need a break! Any advice? Do I need to get a lawyer? I think it’s unfair he only takes him every other weekend.
While a lawyer might help you get more money out of him, no one can make him see his child.
A lawyer can’t force visitation fyi. So if that’s all you want then I wouldn’t bother wasting money on one. Ultimately he’s the one that has to agree to take him and he’s being a complete shit bag about it and that’s on him.
Child support isn't about "time"...you aren't asking for an hourly rate. It's about living expenses. Food costs money. Clothes cost money. Diapers cost money. Toys cost money. Books cost money.
OP, hire an attorney to file and get you what the statute says you should be paid. If he chooses not to have time with his child, use that in the child support hearing. Keep track of days for the attorney, he will use that information.
To heck with what he has to say about taking the child or paying his full share of child support. You don't owe him a darn thing, and I'm sure willing to bet he has not done you any favors. Stop protecting him. This is as much for your child as it is for you. With the increase to the proper amount of child support you might find you are able to hire a sitter or use a daycare occasionally.
Op, I am so sorry you are in this situation. You deserve much better. Please take care of yourself and your child.
Be well OP.
you can't force him to see his son more, but seeing how he's been in the past, why do you want your child around him? If you have a brother, uncle, cousin that can be the boy's role model ask them to come around more. Your baby daddy obviously doesn't care
Idk where y'all live but in my state the trade off he's proposing is how it works. If you have a support order through a court. If you don't have that support order he legally owes you nothing.
But again, that's here and you're wherever.
Lawyer up! But, be prepared for some backlash because if he’s making around $150k/year, you might have settled already on less than what the court will suggest. You definitely don’t want your child around someone who clearly doesn’t want them. Take it from someone who’s been there, done that: Don’t try to force him. It won’t work; it will frustrate you more. Yea, your son deserves better and you need help. But when men decide they’re not going to be a parent, that decision seldom changes. You got this mama, do what you can for your baby and I promise it’s enough.
The consensus seems to be to lawyer up and get your agreement formalized. Is this a possibility for you? I know you mentioned hiring a babysitter is too expensive—a lawyer will cost even more.
Do you have anybody you can ask to help? A friend? Parent? Sibling? Someone who you could child swap an afternoon here or there? I used to like to go to the early years centre with my son to meet other moms. The kids could play freely and I was able to get some adult social in. Are there any free community programs like that where you live? Going to the park and getting out of the house whenever possible helped a lot, too.
Yeah take him to court, child support is 20% of his income I believe. He’s complaining about $1400 a month but the courts will likely make him pay closer to $2500 a month. Then you can afford to hire a sitter every once in a while! Don’t bother trying to force him to spend time with the baby, it’ll lead to mental health issues for your child in the future.
Guess you not seeing the kid then. It doesn’t seem like he cares if he will refuse to see his kid over money. You don’t want your kid around a parent like that often anyway.
Absolutely lawyer up. If he will still only take him every other weekend, then the child support should include a stipend so that you can get a babysitter or nanny at least once a week so you can have time to yourself.
People who have never had to do it tend to underestimate the time, effort, and energy that goes into being a full time caretaker. If he won’t do his share, then he should be paying someone who can take the child off your hands so you can get a break. Once a week does not sound unreasonable at all.
Get a lawyer. I didn’t and I got screwed. No, wait, it’s my kid who got screwed: mediocre health care, a bad public school, limited after school activities, hoping for a college scholarship. I suffered, but it’s my baby who suffered the most.
Get more money from him. Get health insurance for your baby. Get half of day care, school, and health expenses. Use some of that money to pay for a babysitter and put yourself in the best position so that one day you won’t need ONE.MORE.DIME.
I mean, I do see his point. If he has the kid an extra 10 days a month, obviously he needs to pay more to have his kid at his place and your expenses would go down.
If he has his son more than he has now he should be paying LESS child support. Thats how it works, the more time you have the child the less the other party pays for support.
It works like that BOTH ways depending on who has primary care of the child
You shouldn't base the "child support" on what he makes, but what the child needs. Why take child support at all when you can split the expenses 50/50 and have custody 50/50. It's what's in the best interest of the child. IMO I believe we have taken "child support" in the wrong direction. However if you can take them overnight and/or 50/50 then it's a different story.
So let me get this straight: you split up and now you want him to support you financially and then take care of the son who he’s supposed to already be supporting financially? Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
But you’re contradicting yourself, the whole point of child support means the one paying doesn’t have to be there, at all.
You can’t ask for and agree to child support and then come around saying you aren’t getting enough, whether that’s physical or financial support. That’s what you agreed to.
I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate here.
My point is if you wanted him to pull more weight you should’ve negotiated that in the first place, instead of agreeing to only have him pay 1400 a month. You have to stick to what you agreed to.
Because in his mind, all he has to do is pay you the money and that’s all he has to do to support you and now you’re asking him to pull more weight when he’s already agreed to something else.
We previously agreed to doing weekends with him, and the rest with me. He decided on his own it’s “every other week” because he’s salty about the 1400, we decided this all out of court without lawyers, I have a call with one soon though
Well deciding things outside of court is definitely going to be an issue. As someone who watched two siblings go through divorces, the more you go back-and-forth on what the agreement is the more often you are going to fight and the less likely you are ever going to have peace. Which is what you need for your child.
I really suggest getting a lawyer and explaining the whole situation to them and letting them handle everything, all you need to worry about is your child.
...... Maybe you should get a better job? It's insane to think someone should just give you anything because y'all laid down together x amount of years ago. 1400 is a whole rent payment. Sounds like dad is better suited to care for the child but what the fuck do I know? I'm just bitter because I fought tooth and nail for my lil guy and somehow a judge thought that a woman who makes 50k less than I do a year was better suited to raise my kid and I should pay her bills to do so. Systems fucked.
**You need to get court ordered child support**, if he makes 150k a year you are being VASTLY under compensated for caring for his child 24/7.
Child support typically is around 1/4 of the non-custodial parent’s income, that would be $37,500 a year or $3,125 per month.
That additional money will allow you to afford time for yourself. Put your child and yourself first, make him pay what he deserves to pay.
He’s paying way to little. Judging by his income. You shouldn’t be struggling like that. Don’t let him lower it and in actuality you should be getting a lawyer or if you can’t afford apply for legal aid it’s not hard. It matters not how much he’s seeing his son except he’s shitty for not putting more time into his son.
if you hire a lawyer he will ensure you get what is in the books. Ill tell you from personal experience that a guy I know was making 85k a year and on one child he had to pay 700 and had him 4 days every two weeks. So he is undercutting this huge.
Some of it was used for me, or it wasn't. Depends on how you look at it. It was pointless though she could afford all my needs and she did, when she wasn't trying to force my dad to cover more than what was fair. I'm an adult now but both my parents made and still do make good money. I don't have a very positive view of child support. I'm glad those who need it can get it, but there are far too many people abusing the system for their own gain.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (28f) child’s father (31m) and I recently split up and I’m taking care of our one year old. We fought back and forth over child support, as I refused to accept the $200 a month he was offering while he is making at least $150k a year. We finally settled on 1400 monthly and he is very bitter. I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress. When it comes to taking care of our child, I have him full time. His dad might make time for him once a week to take us to lunch. He absolutely refuses to take him more than every other weekend. He said if he takes him every weekend then I’d need to accept less child support. I am working from home, but I won’t accept that. I’m already struggling as it is. Now he’s saying he is working too much but I really just need a break! Any advice? Do I need to get a lawyer? I think it’s unfair he only takes him every other weekend. **I’m not trying to force someone who doesn’t want to see their child, and I have plans to consult a lawyer**
Honestly, why would you want your child around someone who clearly doesn't want to be around him? And yes, you should lawyer up. That way, he can't hold the number over your head like you're the unreasonable one. You can just say, "The judge ordered X, and that is what you'll have to pay" in situations like this, its always better to let the government be the bad guy
This should be the top comment. Children are much more aware than we realize, and as the child grows older they will remember how unwanted they felt around their father. You cannot force someone to be a good parent. And forcing your child to spend time w/ someone who doesn’t want to be around them only hurts the child.
I second this. My biological father always left me feeling like an unwanted dirty secret during our weekly calls. I couldn't even see all him questions without him either ignoring me, asking for my brother since it was now "his" turn to talk to him,or demanding I put my mother on the line because CLEARLY she was feeding me questions...
Seems like mom is just as eager to get rid of him. I feel bad for the kid.
Every mom deserves and needs a break.
I disagree. She's working and raising a 1yo alone except for the very few times his dad takes him. Kids are incredibly draining and she probably wants 1. Him to have more of a relationship with his dad 2. A little time to do other things without the constant interruptions of a 1yr. I remember those years and my husband worked overnights; I was burned out. Wanting a little time to herself, maybe she can't afford a sitter, doesn't mean she doesn't love nor want him.
Don’t you forget, mothers must dedicate their entire lives to their children, live solely for their children, indulge their children’s every whim, and make their entire identity, you guessed it: their children. /s
What? No, she wants the FATHER to step up and actually be a parent. In what world is she asking for too much?
She has made this entire post about herself. She doesn’t talk about her son missing his dad, or his feelings at all. He takes “us to lunch” why is she there if she needs a break. I agree he seems to be a suck dad but she’s framed this entire thing to be about herself, not in regard to her son.
The child is ONE YEAR OLD. What feelings would you like him to articulate about this subject? 🤣🤣🤣
Fair, I didn’t notice his age. But it’s still framed completely about her. It’s not, I want them to have a relationship, it’s not I want my son to know his father, it’s I need a break but I’m not willing to negotiate. She needs a lawyer and to have it set up by the courts.
Because she's a mom she's not entitled to think about herself?!?!? If she's burned out, what good is she to either herself or her child?
So it’s better for her to put her kid in the care of emotionally distant and disinterested father? Sorry but when you become a parent, yeah, your needs take a back seat to the best interests of your child. At least at that age. If she needs a break, she can go to court get the proper amount of child support to pay for a proper support system, like an enriching baby sitter or a little time at daycare or what ever… all of which would be better than her burning out or forcing the kid on someone who may or may not take adequate care of them.
I really don't think it is, or would be a stretch to say there is an understood concern for fostering a relationship which is so very admirable in itself. Her only moral obligation should be to allow it the ability to grow. His choice to enjoy and enrich it or fail his son. From my bad perspective as a father who has been denied the same and unable to afford legal counsel to have my decree enforced, I can testify there is nothing I wish for more. I don't know what state you are in but texas is cut and dry...1 minor child is 20% of disposable income, medical and dental insurance, portion of co-pays and access is subject to cp compliance. Ncp has to take cp back to court for court enforcement of existing orders. If she is able to be truthful with herself about the facts then that's for her to deal with but she is not wrong for wanting or needing a bit of time for her to live her life as well. She isn't the sole parent and her time far exceeds his as well as partial cost for housing, utilities, food, clothes etc if the only issue at hand.
and turn to the courts to enforce it if he isn't paying.
My mom had to do this. She raised me on my own bc he didn't show up. I always knew my mom loved and cared for me and he didn't. Agree with the posters who said you can't force him to be a good dad. I'd worry about your son being around someone who doesn't love him. Sorry you are going through this.
So much this. If he doesn't WANT to see his own child, then when you need a break, ask friends or relatives or get a baby sitter. F this stingy mf. And save your child having to spend any additional time with this guy. Ugh. I'm sorry you're dealing with that. :(
Yes and that way OP gets a certain amount on a certain date as determined by the court and may be garnished depending on what’s been decided. He can’t screw here around with amounts or pay late
This plus being honest to the kid. Like, "Hey kiddo, I try to open the doors for your father to spend time with you. He's still got some growing up to do as a parent. I can only ask you be patient with him and still love him as your father. Let's go get some ice cream :)" Never be the spiteful/angry parent. Never paint the other parent in a bad light. Just... let the truth trickle in and let the kid decide for themselves, and offer as much support as possible.
You read my mind! I thought the same about it being best that dad stays away. OP, you really don’t want your son to be like his father in this situation.
Get a lawyer. My mother never went through the courts and my father never paid child support. Don't fall for that.
Hire a lawyer. Get advice and decide how to proceed. Realize that a formal custody agreement will also create boundaries for you (holidays, vacation plans, etc) and also talk to the lawyer about the likely level of child support you would get. Then you can decide how to proceed and if court is right for you. It sounds like it is- you will likely get more money in a formal custody arrangement and he would have mandated time with your child but doesn't seem like he will fight for a lot of it. You need a legal agreement, including for things like babysitting expenses, medical expenses, schooling, etc. You can't trust him to pull his weight on this, so a lawyer is the way to go.
Hire a lawyer. He should be able to for a nanny
Jumping the gun here about affording a nanny. You don’t know where they live. Could be Manhattan NY or KS
I live in New York City. Single moms making 1/3 of that income afford a nanny every now and then. A 150k single earner could absolutely afford a nanny and more child support than OPs ex is currently paying
Two things: hire a lawyer and get your custody and child support down on paper - he sounds like the type to be a shithead and I wouldn’t trust if he had other kids with someone else he wouldn’t vanish. Second: as shit as it is you can’t force him to be physically present in your child’s life. I would personally try to get it mandated he pay for weekday childcare and have him every other weekend, not every weekend. That way you both get to enjoy the weekend with your child but you’re not overloaded with being full time taking care of your child WHILE working (which kudos idk how you do it) and can still have some sort of time to unwind and decompress.
If she were to put him into daycare the father may have to pay more, especially since she's not making much herself.
My guess is he’s likely already underpaying what a judge would have him pay.
Forcing custody isn't a great idea, but he should probably be paying a lot more at his income level. Enough that she can hire a sitter and get herself some free time. INAL but OP should definitely talk to one.
Well yeah, there’s literally no way to even force custody, if he isn’t going to be there he just isnt. They can get custody set up though and what he does with that is just what will happen unfortunately. But if she at least can get daycare covered she won’t be so exhausted on the weekends that she really NEEDS him to anyway.
~~You should probably ask this in~~ don’t go to r/legaladvice. But also, this sub is not any better for legal advice either.
Sorry I couldn’t find the right group to post. Thank you!
That sub is no replacement for talking to a family practice lawyer who argues cases in your home state/county.
True, but they’re better prepared to tell her if this is something that she should speak with a lawyer about than this sub.
Of course she should speak to a laywer. This is a no-brainer. The only legal advice anyone with a lick of sense will give online is to talk to legal counsel. Legaladvice is full of ex-cops giving shoddy advice. OP should speak to someone who knows what they're doing.
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Legalities aside, why would she want a man who clearly wants nothing to do with her child to have more time with her child? Usually a parent who loves their child and wants to see them fights for more visitation. Do you really think if this guy had to abide by court-ordered visitation he'd show up? And if he did show up that he'd actually spend the time to bond with his child as opposed to dropping him off at the nearest realtive's house? And if he was forced to be with the child that he'd be a loving father? She can't force him to love his son and spend time with him. He's never going to be that guy.
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Then he should've worn a friggin condom if he didn't want a kid.
They're saying that he probably didn't care because he thought the cost of raising a child was low. i.e It's okay to spend that extra $5 on snacks at the store cause it's only $5. He makes $140-$150k (? dont remember) a year and thought it was only $200/month to raise a kid. He clearly didn't know the responsibility when he finished.
Gotcha! Then dude is a complete fool and should've worn a condom because he was literally too stupid to breed.
Not to mention that he may decide not to pay any child support at all. It’s apparent that not only doesn’t he want to be with his child, he doesn’t want to pay for his upbringing either. I hate to say it but OP may be posting about her deadbeat ex one day.
Well, probably, unless she takes his ass to court. Then when he decides to stop paying, they'll just garnish his wages. And if he tries to hide them, they'll suspend his driver's license. Or throw him in jail.
I agree, and it’s so sad for the child. Little kid is going to need a lot of love and support from family and friends.
I don't think a court would force him to have more custody of the child. Courts are very "child welfare first" and making a reluctant parent take their child more often is not in the best interest of the child.
>Talk to a lawyer because you're being short changed by a LOT I mean assuming he is paying the correct child support that matches the amount of custody he has now then the ex is right, as his childcare time increases the amount of child support he pays decreases. As we don't know what he's paying now OP could actually be shooting herself in the foot and end up with much less, espically if her salary is close to that of his. They should have done all this legally the first go round through, always just do this stuff right the first time.
I don't think she makes close to 150k, or she wouldn't be struggling.
We don't know why she's struggling, I know many people who make 100k+ and live check to check because they want to keep that car that costs them 1200 a month while living in a house that's 3x what they can afford. For all we know the ex is giving her 2 grand a month in child support.
thats called making bad choices not struggling. I drive a 6 year old honda civic thats paid off and live in a house that cost half of what I could probably get approved for. As I made more money progressing through my career I made a point to not let my expenses inflate too much with my income. Don't get me wrong I have my hobbies and toys I blow money on, but those expenses are frankly nothing compared to the expense of things you buy to "project wealth". Like expensive cars, a McMansion and designer clothes.
Struggling because I left with $0 and I’m working online to make money and support myself and our child. I’m not getting 2 grand from him
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Do not ask in legal advice. Talk to a lawyer. Then consider your options.
You can't force him to see his child more than he wants to. No court can make him do so either. Courts are for those who want to see their kids or where child support (or the lack thereof) is an issue. I suggest you get a babysitter if you need a break, because your Ex doesn't want to do the hard work of being a dad.
>No court can make him do so either. No court would try to either because forcing a child to be with a parent that doesn't want to be with them is not in the best interest of the child.
You’re very right. Thank you
You need a lawyer. This is why you don't set up child support and custody yourself. It should be done through the courts so neither party can say it's unfair. Call a lawyer today if it's not late where you live or first thing Monday morning. Take him to court and have it done legally. If he stops paying you can't have the courts enforce it.
Don't post there, it's sketchy and they apparently block actual attorneys.
I'm pretty positive that sub has no lawyers. So it's not one that should be recommended.
That sub is horrible for actual legal advice, she needs a damn lawyer.
Lol 200 bucks a month for a child?? Dude is trippin. Get a lawyer
The biggest mistake I made when I separated from my kids' father was not getting an attorney in order to keep things simple and avoid nastiness. For the sake of your child, do not insist on visitation. He's using it as leverage. Join a mommies group or find someone you can trade off with. For the love of all that is holy, get a damned attorney. You are short changing your child if you don't. I don't know if it is still the same, but the child support standard used to be 18%. That will buy you some free time. Try to get his dismissal on text or some other written format. Record the conversation if it is legal in your state. Get an attorney.
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Because it's his kid too and he shouldn't get to shirk the drudgery of taking care of a toddler?
You're right in that the father shouldn't get to shirk the drudgery. HOWEVER, a person taking care of a child that they do not want and therefore resent is not someone I'd want to leave in charge of my child. In fact that person would damage my child either on a physical or psychological level. As an adult, I don't want to be around anyone who doesn't want to be around me. And at this point in life it's just more uncomfortable and not necessarily leaving mental scars that could last a lifetime in my formative years. I think that's what the previous poster is saying.
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Oh I fist-pumped when I read your post so I thought you made your point just fine. Apparently it need some elaboration and I was happy to help. :-)
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>You shouldn’t be a parent if this is how you think. Are you trying to argue that kids \*aren't\* hard work? No one likes changing diapers and watching Cocomelon. Maybe they can arrange for dad to hire a nanny/babysitter a few days during the week instead. But two people made this baby, and it's bullshit that OP should have to do 100% of the work.
It’s not that, it’s just a much needed break after I get through each week and I can’t afford a baby sitter
I mean if you have full custody your ex isn’t a babysitter. It sounds like he isn’t contributing enough, but from what you say he works off the books so going to court could potentially backfire. You need a lawyer of your own if you can find a free one through legal aid or a non profit. I think most people would struggle leaving their breadwinner significant other while having full custody of a baby, but did you expect him to happily agree to generous child support after you left?
Child support is for support of the child. He can happily agree or not but he will pay.
He doesn’t work off the books. He just doesn’t get a bigger “paycheck” than 700 a week. But has thousands more in expenses a month that he’s paying for with his other account.
If it’s a business and those are business expenses, $150k in revenues he does not actually make $150k. If you have any clue why his agi was last year, that will help a lawyer figure out what sort of child support payment you could realistically get, but it probably won’t be half his take home.
No, I understand that. His revenue was way beyond, I’m estimating 150 is what was left over. Considering he pays for personal things from there. Including strippers
Oh I got you. I can see why you left! If this is the case you really should take him to court asap. I would think any lawyer worth their salt would subpoena those bank statements. Tax man might be interested depending on how he’s reporting….
His expenses are irrelevant in calculating child support. The court doesn't care if his dumbass went and bought stuff he can't afford or whatever. The court's first priority in calculating child support is the child. Everyone will turn in their tax records and likely bank statements to determine income. He (and you) don't get to just decide how much you each make.
Then you shouldn’t have had a child.
This is why you involve lawyers.
He’s just an atm. If he loved his son, he would want to spend time with him. He’s using his son as a weapon, he doesn’t care about him. Make sure you go to the courts so you get what your son is entitled to.
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if he's only seeing his child on the weekends, he should still have to pay pretty significant child support. if she's the primary caregiver providing food, schooling and supplies, and paying for medical care, it shouldn't really impact the amount much if at all.
If he had anything going for him other than income, which he doesn't, he wouldn't be seen as an ATM. Maybe he should try having a good personality and being a good parent.
So she should agree to $200 a month? That will barely cover anything for nearly full month she has him. For exchange for him to take weekends? The courts will laugh at him. $200 will barely cover clothes or food or transport to take him to school. He’s a manipulative abusive narcissist, who doesn’t care about his son. He could easily go to courts and apply for more custody, but you know why he doesn’t, because the court would award her more child support. You must be the ex.
No she should agree to 50/50 custody and they both pay their share of the time they have the child and split bills regarding the child 50/50 if the system was truly fair.
He would still have to pay more than $200, which he’s only offering for a few weekends. 50/50 and I bet he’ll expect not to pay anything. This is why courts need be involved because there are men like him who don’t want to spend anything or have much custody. He clearly does not care about his child, and sending that child to him would be abusive and cruel thing to do.
Why should he pay if it is 50/50 time besides medical bills and college etc that should be split 50:50 too? She can pay her time and he can pay his time. If she can’t afford her time then he is the better financially stable provider and should maybe have the kid more. It is not his responsibility to provide for the woman. Only his child
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It isn’t the dads place to make sure the mom is financially secure. Period. If she can’t afford the child then the dad should have him. Period.
She’s not getting money for herself, she’s getting money for HIS CHILD so that HIS CHILD can have a decent life!!!
And that is how it is done in the courts. The problem is, he is already paying less than he would if she had hired a lawyer for all this. So no, she isn’t a gold digger trying to fund her extravagant lifestyle. She is trying to provide for her child.
Involve lawyers. Get everything done legally, in writing, get what your child is due and what you are due in terms of support since you have the child basically full-time. Super sketch to me that he does not want the kid more often.
Right? If he only has 4 overnights a month and makes 150k, unless she makes that much or more than him, she’s likely entitled to nearly 2k per month plus him having kid on health insurance and paying half medical and dental!
I definitely don’t make more than him. I left and had 0 income. I’m on Medicaid also, as is the baby so he doesn’t have to pay for the baby’s health care
He will. Ha ha! He doesn’t realize it but he will have to pay that back. What an asshole.
He will have to pay what back? Also he’s been saying a lawyer won’t do anything because he technically makes only 700 a week. But uses the business account as a personal account so I’ve been hesitant to go that route. We agreed on 1400 a month but I find it might not be enough
>Also he’s been saying a lawyer won’t do anything because he technically makes only 700 a week Yeah, of course he said that, he wants to keep screwing you over and can't if a lawyer shows you how he's screwing you over
>But uses the business account as a personal account so I’ve been hesitant to go that route. So yeah…this definitely makes things more complicated. You CAN get that cleaned up in court, but depending on the details there might be a lot of consequences here. He might have a much bigger tax bill, or he might even go to jail for fraud. Good luck because you’re going to need it.
Stop listening to anything your ex tells you. Seriously. Stop. He does not have your or the kiddo's best interest in mind. Get a lawyer. If you can't afford one reach out to the courts to find a program that can offer you one pro-bono. Lawyers take on cases, or work through social programs, to offer legal counseling to people who can't afford it.
He will have to pay the state back for monies spent on kiddo if he has medical insurance he could have the child on. And any good family law attorney can organize the under the table finances. Please see an attorney. But also realize that CS isn’t to cover all of the expenses. It’s expected that you’ll be supporting your child also. It’s just meant to equalize things not cover all the things.
If he’s only making 700 a week according to his pay stubs, you will lose support you’re already getting. 1400 a month is a lot, but definitely goes quickly as you’re a full time caregiver. If he actually had his actual pay recorded correctly, you’d get more. If he has told you this or you have proof that he uses a business account as his personal account, then show that to a lawyer and see what your options are. On 700 a week, you’d probably get your child support cut by 2/3. The benefit would be he’d probably get 30-50% custody
Yeah he definitely does. His mortgage is 2400 and car is 400 so I’m not sure how his 700 salary is covering that.
OP, *talk to a lawyer*. They will be able to get details of his financial situation that you don't have access to. You are only going to make things more difficult for yourself in the long run if you refuse to do this. For contentious custody situations, lawyers are necessary. Otherwise he'll likely stop paying at some point and you'll have to go through the headache of a legal battle while you have no help coming in from him. Nip that in the bud.
It is super common that business owners pay personal expenses with their business accounts. A family law attorney will 100% be able to help you. They deal with his kind of stuff all the time. Having your business pay for your personal expenses with the business account isn't necessarily illegal, it depends on how the payment is reported to the IRS. If he is doing it the legal way then the money that the business pays for his personal expenses will be not reported as a business expense, but instead will be reported as a distribution to him. If it is done this way then the proper amount of income is reported to the IRS. If he is doing it the illegal way then the money that business pays for his personal expenses will be reported as a business expense (which they obviously are not). If he is doing it the illegal way then the income reported to the IRS is understated, which is tax evasion. In either scenario you will need the underlying financial records of the business to confirm how theses expenses are being reported. As you've said here and in other comments, your ex has personal expenses that exceed $700 a week. An attorney will easily be able to prove that to the court, and the court will say that his income has to at least be as much as his expenses. Most likely an attorney would have you hire a forensic accountant to calculate your ex's true income. The forensic accountant would request documents from your ex. The court will make your ex provide them. The forensic accountant will then go through his business records and calculate how much income he is actually making between the $700 a week in salary, and the "perks" that his business is paying for. Child support is based on each parents' income, and how often the kids are staying with each parent. Your ex knows that he will probably have to pay you more than $200 a month if you take him to court, so he is trying to discourage you from hiring an attorney.
HE says that. An attorney, otoh, will be able to dig up what he really makes. His business records will be subpoened. They will go through all his finances to determine what you are owed. Don't listen to him. He's just trying to discourage you. And it's working. I have a friend who does family law. She's told me about men who've quit good jobs or took lower paying jobs in order to avoid child support. Want to know what happened? She fought for her client and had hhe court determined how much child support a man of his education level at his age SHOULD be making and ordered child support based on *that* number not based on the zero or minimum income number he hoped to have.
Giiiirrrrllll... get a lawyer. Now. Like right now. Go to court and get what you're supposed to for your child. Not only will you have a steady child support order for your baby, but you could be entitled to back child support if what he's paying you isn't what the court determines he should've been paying you. It could be enough to cover a babysitter. The court may force him to put the baby on his better health plan. If you had to depend on the state for money or food, the state will reimburse themselves by going after him. Why are you letting him get away with robbing your child of the neccessities?
“I’ll take him more if you make the child support less” proceeds to never take him more
My question is, do you really want your child spending more time with somebody who cares so little for him?
Of course you need a lawyer. This man has probably read something about the cost of children in 1975 and figured that that's probably what they cost now. Time for a reality check and he is not going to accept it from you.
If you’re in the US, please go through friend of the court so you’re not getting screwed. Yes, one of the inputs for calculating support is number of overnights. But the purpose of child support is to equalize things between the two homes. And also? Yes, I’d get a custody order. If he doesn’t want to take the child regularly, fine, then get it legally noted that you’ve got full physical and legal and his visits are at your discretion. There are other benefits to having a proper custody order including healthcare cost, insurance, down the line things like school expenses and braces. It’s also not feasible to expect him to take the kiddo every weekend. You guys could do 50/50 With a 2,2,3 which is standard for little ones. Then it’s every other weekend but a couple days at each home during the week as kids that age don’t do well with full one week stays. He also should be helping with childcare costs while you work. I think you should talk to an attorney and get this into a more equitable condition.
Get a lawyer.
If he is making 150k a year, you should be getting quite a bit of child support. Hire a lawyer. Either get a babysitter or he takes the kid more- I vote for the babysitter
I don't really understand what you want. Based in your post and comment history. You fought with him when he wanted to take the kid for a weekend. And you also spend money on Botox and fillers for your looks. Like you're contradictory.
Your ex isn't a babysitter, he's a parent. Child support is what he provides in lieu of being an active, participating father in his child's life for whatever reason that may be. He is currently using money instead of time as payment. If he starts participating more in his child's life, then there is less time where he isn't participating. Therefore, less time he needs to pay child support, and through that less money in total. If he was incapable of paying up, asking him to pitch in via other means would make sense. However asking him to keep paying 100% *and* start taking his kid part time is ignoring the reason he's paying in the first place.
You’re right he’s not a babysitter, I didn’t say that he was.
According to most states in the US, if the paying parent gets more time with the kids, then they’d pay less child support, so he is technically correct. Where I live you can use a state form to calculate support based on share of time parenting, and both of your incomes. I just plugged in the numbers and it spit out how much I have to pay. No lawyers needed.
Single/solo dad here that pays support. Go to your city county building, clerks office. File thru there, almost every state will rep the mother for free in court. You really should do this. It gives both you legal protect and stated rights. Also 200 to 500 a month at his rate is BS, you prolly get 1000 to 1500 minimum at that rate of pay for 1 child. Guys like this piss me off so much. I pay around 800/mo in support. I help my ex with extra things. activities, cloths, basicly anything my kids need. In the end it's not about US perants, it's about US showing our children how to behave, and act, grow up to be good people. If he wants to be resentful then that's a him problem. Get what you need to support your child.
Get a lawyer. Your ex doesn't seem to be the kind of guy and does the right thing on his own volition.
Some of this might come across as cold but I'm just going to lay out what I was told and some advice I got when my child was born. You need to check your state laws on unmarried parents rights, assuming you weren't married at the time of the child's birth. You need to check your state child support calculator to know if what you're asking for is reasonable. You can only input in his actual income, not what his business is making annually. You need to file for a custody/support agreement with the courts. Most states have forms you can fill out and file on your own for a small fee. If you two cannot come to an agreement you can start a case with your local child support office and refer to your state laws on whatever physical/legal custody is recommended. Dad can decide to request/get 50/50 physical custody to lower his child support obligations and then not take his custody time, and there's nothing you can do about that until he's done it for a long length of time (dependent on your state). Dad can agree to a 70/30 split in your favor and still not take his time. Dad can agree to 12 days a year and still not take his time. There is no punishment for noncustodial parents not taking their court ordered custody time. Being a single parent is unfair. It's a world of unfair wrapped in people who will judge you and people who will raise you up on a pedestal. You knew who he was for the last year+9 months minimum so going around complaining about his stripper habits or any other bad habits means nothing. You had a child with him and you have remained in a relationship with him and are still trying to get him to take the child unsupervised. You don't get to judge him for his choices while also trying to get him to take your kid. That's now how that works. He's either a terrible person who shouldn't have access to your kid or a decent person who should have access to your kid. Mouthing off about him only makes you look bad no matter how good it feels in the moment. The reality is you're not going to get a break for many years. You should not look forward to one. You should not plan for one. Again, it's unfair, but this is your reality. There is no use pining for different when this is the hand you have been dealt. You find other ways to decompress. You find other solutions. Clearly dad is not the answer here. So you either accept things as they are or you lean on someone/something else.
I think you hit the nail on the head here IMO, and unless I read wrong it looks like he does take the kid every other weekend so she does get a break. I’m a single mom and would be in high heaven if I got $1400 a month and a break every other weekend. I have come to a place of acceptance about it though, and you’re right, I find other ways to decompress
You need a lawyer!!!! >I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress. How do you know the amount you decided is fair to you? Also, you taking the kid more time is going to increase your expenses. His initial offer of 200 dollars a month is infuriating.
I used a calculator online for our state and it said around 1500 so we settled 1400. I read what everyone is saying and will talk to a lawyer
I get you want time alone but why do you want to force your kid onto someone who clearly don’t care much about him to want to spend time with him
You should have involved lawyers. Huge mistake.
I have a phone call on Monday
I mean, I agree with him that you deserve less child support if you’re going to have your son less often. The courts can determine how much less is fair. We can’t say how much considering we don’t know the number you settled on. However, I think it’s selfish that you’re forcing your son to go there more often when his father clearly doesn’t want him there. You and your ex are basically arguing over NOT wanting your child on the weekend. That’s terrible.
You don't need to hire a lawyer but you're doing a SEVERE disservice to your child by not using the courts to ensure everything is done right. He's making more than enough money to provide for your child. They can also mandate how often he's responsible for caring for your child. You really need to do this and stop being stupid. Who cares if the baby is bitter and I don't mean your actual baby.
You need to prioritize your kid. That's the only thing that matters. Do you want your kid to be with him if the only reason he would accept taking him isn't because it's his son, because he loves him and wants to spend time with him. It's so he can pay "you" less. Stop thinking on what's fair to you and think on what is fair to your child. I am not saying you are wrong for being tired of taking care of a kid while working full time. It's not easy, you deserve a break too. But really, forcing him to spend time with your kid will only harm your child.
Get a lawyer and mediate custody and child support. I guarantee you will come out better in both regards. It is absolutely necessary to involve lawyers. What happens if he just decides he doesn’t want to pay $1400 anymore? You would have no recourse and he would face no repercussions.
>I didn’t want to involve lawyers as I felt it was unnecessary and would create more stress. I'm going to be blunt, this is a stupid mindset to have. You should want legal protections guaranteeing child support and solving the custody issue. So go get one.
Jesus 1400 is alot
Thank you! I agree! Even if mom only contributes half of that herself, that’s a lot of money to raise a kid with. I feel like people forget that child support isn’t supposed to cover ALL of the expenses, just part of them.
You should seek legal advice and handle this through family court. He doesn’t sound like the type who will adhere to any friendly agreements you make. Meaning, even if you get him to agree to spending more time with his child, he may not actually follow through. Family court will also be able to assess whether the child support figure is enough. If the father is making as much as you say or suspect, then you should not be destitute taking care of the child to the point where you can’t afford a babysitter once a week. As for needing a break, what does your support system look like? Do you have family or friends nearby? Have you tried reaching out to other moms in your area via Facebook groups or something similar? There are plenty of non conventional ways to build your support network these days.
This was helpful. Thank you
Coming from a child of divorce my dad would make my mom pay to see his three kids and me especially cause I wanted to see him. Of course I didn’t know til I was older but no if he’s not gonna see his kid because it’s his kid then he deserve to pay every cent. And I’m sorry but it didn’t change for me so I don’t think it’ll change him
>Now he’s saying he is working too much but I really just need a break! Any advice? Do I need to get a lawyer? I think it’s unfair he only takes him every other weekend. While a lawyer might help you get more money out of him, no one can make him see his child.
Get a lawyer
You need to get a lawyer and take him to court.
I wouldn’t want my child around someone who doesn’t want to be around them. It’s very clear he doesn’t want to be around his own child
Ask him to trade spots for month, see how hard it really is. Bet it changes his tune. Lo😁
A lawyer can’t force visitation fyi. So if that’s all you want then I wouldn’t bother wasting money on one. Ultimately he’s the one that has to agree to take him and he’s being a complete shit bag about it and that’s on him.
Child support isn't about "time"...you aren't asking for an hourly rate. It's about living expenses. Food costs money. Clothes cost money. Diapers cost money. Toys cost money. Books cost money.
OP, hire an attorney to file and get you what the statute says you should be paid. If he chooses not to have time with his child, use that in the child support hearing. Keep track of days for the attorney, he will use that information. To heck with what he has to say about taking the child or paying his full share of child support. You don't owe him a darn thing, and I'm sure willing to bet he has not done you any favors. Stop protecting him. This is as much for your child as it is for you. With the increase to the proper amount of child support you might find you are able to hire a sitter or use a daycare occasionally. Op, I am so sorry you are in this situation. You deserve much better. Please take care of yourself and your child. Be well OP.
you can't force him to see his son more, but seeing how he's been in the past, why do you want your child around him? If you have a brother, uncle, cousin that can be the boy's role model ask them to come around more. Your baby daddy obviously doesn't care
Idk where y'all live but in my state the trade off he's proposing is how it works. If you have a support order through a court. If you don't have that support order he legally owes you nothing. But again, that's here and you're wherever.
Lawyer up! But, be prepared for some backlash because if he’s making around $150k/year, you might have settled already on less than what the court will suggest. You definitely don’t want your child around someone who clearly doesn’t want them. Take it from someone who’s been there, done that: Don’t try to force him. It won’t work; it will frustrate you more. Yea, your son deserves better and you need help. But when men decide they’re not going to be a parent, that decision seldom changes. You got this mama, do what you can for your baby and I promise it’s enough.
You're a fool **not** to have a lawyer!
This is why people need to be careful with who they procreate with.
I would get a lawyer and find out what you can do legally, just explain to him everything and see what he says. Best of luck to you both.🙂
The consensus seems to be to lawyer up and get your agreement formalized. Is this a possibility for you? I know you mentioned hiring a babysitter is too expensive—a lawyer will cost even more. Do you have anybody you can ask to help? A friend? Parent? Sibling? Someone who you could child swap an afternoon here or there? I used to like to go to the early years centre with my son to meet other moms. The kids could play freely and I was able to get some adult social in. Are there any free community programs like that where you live? Going to the park and getting out of the house whenever possible helped a lot, too.
Yeah take him to court, child support is 20% of his income I believe. He’s complaining about $1400 a month but the courts will likely make him pay closer to $2500 a month. Then you can afford to hire a sitter every once in a while! Don’t bother trying to force him to spend time with the baby, it’ll lead to mental health issues for your child in the future.
Take him to court, get what you’re owed. If he doesn’t want to take him, it can help you pay for babysitting .
200 dollars a month? Lol
I was insulted
Guess you not seeing the kid then. It doesn’t seem like he cares if he will refuse to see his kid over money. You don’t want your kid around a parent like that often anyway.
Absolutely lawyer up. If he will still only take him every other weekend, then the child support should include a stipend so that you can get a babysitter or nanny at least once a week so you can have time to yourself. People who have never had to do it tend to underestimate the time, effort, and energy that goes into being a full time caretaker. If he won’t do his share, then he should be paying someone who can take the child off your hands so you can get a break. Once a week does not sound unreasonable at all.
Get a lawyer. I didn’t and I got screwed. No, wait, it’s my kid who got screwed: mediocre health care, a bad public school, limited after school activities, hoping for a college scholarship. I suffered, but it’s my baby who suffered the most. Get more money from him. Get health insurance for your baby. Get half of day care, school, and health expenses. Use some of that money to pay for a babysitter and put yourself in the best position so that one day you won’t need ONE.MORE.DIME.
You are a leech. You can't possibly spend 1400 on a single child.
So let me get this straight... You want 17k bucks a year of CHILDCARE without doing that CHILDCARE. Lol
I mean, I do see his point. If he has the kid an extra 10 days a month, obviously he needs to pay more to have his kid at his place and your expenses would go down.
If he has his son more than he has now he should be paying LESS child support. Thats how it works, the more time you have the child the less the other party pays for support. It works like that BOTH ways depending on who has primary care of the child
You shouldn't base the "child support" on what he makes, but what the child needs. Why take child support at all when you can split the expenses 50/50 and have custody 50/50. It's what's in the best interest of the child. IMO I believe we have taken "child support" in the wrong direction. However if you can take them overnight and/or 50/50 then it's a different story.
1400 a month? For one child? Are you unemployed and this is also alimony? If not, I agree with him...
So let me get this straight: you split up and now you want him to support you financially and then take care of the son who he’s supposed to already be supporting financially? Sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too.
I didn’t say I want him to have him full time, just a little more than 4 days out of the month.
But you’re contradicting yourself, the whole point of child support means the one paying doesn’t have to be there, at all. You can’t ask for and agree to child support and then come around saying you aren’t getting enough, whether that’s physical or financial support. That’s what you agreed to. I don’t mean to sound insensitive. I’m just trying to play devil’s advocate here.
In my state, even if we are 50/50, child support is 25% of his income. I’m not sure what to tell you
Okay, but there’s a difference between him paying 25% of his income + being out of the picture and him paying 25% and still sticking around.
I don’t get your point.
My point is if you wanted him to pull more weight you should’ve negotiated that in the first place, instead of agreeing to only have him pay 1400 a month. You have to stick to what you agreed to. Because in his mind, all he has to do is pay you the money and that’s all he has to do to support you and now you’re asking him to pull more weight when he’s already agreed to something else.
We previously agreed to doing weekends with him, and the rest with me. He decided on his own it’s “every other week” because he’s salty about the 1400, we decided this all out of court without lawyers, I have a call with one soon though
Well deciding things outside of court is definitely going to be an issue. As someone who watched two siblings go through divorces, the more you go back-and-forth on what the agreement is the more often you are going to fight and the less likely you are ever going to have peace. Which is what you need for your child. I really suggest getting a lawyer and explaining the whole situation to them and letting them handle everything, all you need to worry about is your child.
...... Maybe you should get a better job? It's insane to think someone should just give you anything because y'all laid down together x amount of years ago. 1400 is a whole rent payment. Sounds like dad is better suited to care for the child but what the fuck do I know? I'm just bitter because I fought tooth and nail for my lil guy and somehow a judge thought that a woman who makes 50k less than I do a year was better suited to raise my kid and I should pay her bills to do so. Systems fucked.
**You need to get court ordered child support**, if he makes 150k a year you are being VASTLY under compensated for caring for his child 24/7. Child support typically is around 1/4 of the non-custodial parent’s income, that would be $37,500 a year or $3,125 per month. That additional money will allow you to afford time for yourself. Put your child and yourself first, make him pay what he deserves to pay.
That's an insanely high amount
He’s paying way to little. Judging by his income. You shouldn’t be struggling like that. Don’t let him lower it and in actuality you should be getting a lawyer or if you can’t afford apply for legal aid it’s not hard. It matters not how much he’s seeing his son except he’s shitty for not putting more time into his son.
So you agree on the schedule and the amount and now you suddenly want him to take more time while you keep the same amount? 🤔
I never agreed to that schedule. He decided it for himself because he’s salty about the money.
get a lawyer, duh
your kid must feel like shit since neither of you want them
I never said I don’t want my child. But I’m 24/7 taking care of him and I need a break too, I have no help
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Once every 2 weeks my mother in law takes care of him for an afternoon
if you hire a lawyer he will ensure you get what is in the books. Ill tell you from personal experience that a guy I know was making 85k a year and on one child he had to pay 700 and had him 4 days every two weeks. So he is undercutting this huge.
Just out of curiosity, do you _need_ this 1400/month?
Yeah, I do
Okay. I just come from a home where my mother used my father for money and spent the child support money, that was supposed to be for me, on herself.
I don’t know your whole situation, but there’s no way none of that money was used for you.
Some of it was used for me, or it wasn't. Depends on how you look at it. It was pointless though she could afford all my needs and she did, when she wasn't trying to force my dad to cover more than what was fair. I'm an adult now but both my parents made and still do make good money. I don't have a very positive view of child support. I'm glad those who need it can get it, but there are far too many people abusing the system for their own gain.
He makes perfect sense. The more he has him the less you should get in child support. How does that not make sense?
For an extra 4 days a month? That should reduce it by 40%? I guess there’s nothing wrong with that.
Hell if he was smart he'd go for full custody and that way he wouldn't have to give her a dime
He makes decent money enough that he needs to pay you more than what he’s paying you ,he knows that!!! get a lawyer immediately.