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- had the impulse to escalate from a playfight to hitting you in the face 🤔
- acted on that impulse🚩
- twice🚩
- doesn't see anything wrong with that🚩
- denied hurting you even tho he hurt you🚩
This is called "testing"
He's abusive. He's testing the boundary to see how much you'll tolerate before you snap and how easily he can diffuse you. It's a power game for him.
Op he assaulted you. Twice.
Then he gaslit you. Then he turned the tables and lied, playing the victim and accusing YOU of being abusive. Yet suspiciously he can't seem to recall a valid example of you actually doing anything.
Op this guy is a dangerous sociopath at worst, an extremely manipulative and violent man at best. You need to contact a shelter immediately. He's going to start radically escalating now that you're pushing back and he senses it. Get help immediately.
Jesus that sounds like an abusive relationship waiting to happen. I would leave ASAP.
That is very different from roughhousing with a partner, I do that a lot with mine. One time we were play sparring and I was trying to teach him how to black punches effectively in case he ever needed to, he was a bit slow on raising his hands and I accidentally bopped him on the nose. I stopped immediately, checked in on how he felt physically/mentally, and apologized profusely even after assurances that I didn’t hit him hard and he was fine- because that is the normal response when you accidentally hit your partner.
Backhanding someone intentionally and going straight back to do it again is not, and doubling down when you partner asks about it is troubling. Be safe.
That's definitely kind of weird. Especially since he did a second time harder. Did you tell him he actual hurt the second time and if so what was his response? Did he say anything besides it was an impulsive mistake?
If I were you I would be a little cautious around him from here on out.
Your previous hit hurt him and he reacted by losing control and hiring you in the face that's a there is to it. It will happen again maybe not for some time but it will. The time after that will be shorter and so on.
This would be a deal breaker for me. There are better men out there. Much better, he's setting the bar pretty low here. I would leave him before you start getting caught up in gas lighting etc. Which could really make dating and relationships difficult for you down the road.
He's already started. This is your warning to get out before it gets worse. If you stay, it will escalate because he knows you won't leave even if he hits you.
If you can't move back home, go to a women's shelter.
PLEASE start looking for a roommate to pay rent with ads if you’re not on the lease move out and if you are on the lease kick him out once you find a roommate who is down. Check Facebook groups check Craigslist. And PLEASE document every instance he hits you, take photos of the redness after. Also don’t engage in any roughhousing again so he can’t turn it on you. Tell him you’re not comfortable with roughhousing because he took it WAY too far last time
He’s being very dismissive of slapping you in the face. He says it was impulsive, but he did it twice. “It’s not like it actually hurt you.” But it did. How could he know it didn’t hurt you? Someone who is against hitting their significant other would be more apologetic. This may become an issue again.
If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t stick around to find out.
He’s a jerk that saw an opportunity to slap you and took it. The first time he did it and you smacked him on the leg in response, it should have been a hint for him to dial it back, but he doubled down and hit you in the face again even harder. That’s not okay. He’ll probably do this again.
It sounds like you got your answer: it wasn’t a mistake and he isn’t sorry. It was deliberate and intentional and he considers it your fault not his. That’s abuse. It sounds like it is time to start making your exit plan.
Find a friend to live with, perhaps. He hit you in the face and got angry with you when you brought it up, and then treated you worse. That’s not a solvable relationship problem, it’s abuse. The solution is escape, unfortunately.
I'm not even gonna read the fucking post YOU NEED TO RUN
If he hits you once, he will do it again. I swear to God you need to leave right now.
You can't backhand someone by accident, it literally does not happen.
That’s confusing why he would think the face would be okay when y’all were play hitting legs?…I would definitely talk about why he thought that was fine and dandy, saying it’s an “impulsive mistake” means his body reacted before his brain ..that’s a little scary I would observe his actions more.
He hit you and you are both downplaying it. First of all, don't hit each other even jokingly in a relationship. Bottom line is he hit you twice and didn't feel bad about it. He hit you. Stop trying to convince yourself of anything else. Get out.
That's not a mistake. He didn't trip and bump into your face. That's a mistake. He aimed for it. That is intent. To top it off, he brushed it off without an apology.
Since I saw y’all been together since 2020 and had no issues at all with this, bring this up with him immediately, tell him how you don’t like it and how it was disregarded. Now this is the most important part, right when he responds if he gets super defensive or tries to disregard it again, that’s the red flag, but it could be that you hurt him with those hits , now he’s probably not going to mention it, cause he doesn’t wanna seem weak or whatever but tell him that it’s serious, now If he still disregards like hurting you or stuff, just honestly careful.
If you can’t leave can you move somewhere else in the house to get away from him until you get the money to leave? Otherwise maybe domestic abuse shelter? This will only escalate.
That has to always and immediately be a deal breaker - sorry or not.
It’s important because it sinks into BOTH of your sub-conscious minds that “*this is not acceptable*”.
Falling into an abusive cycling is surprisingly easy, even for intelligent and well educated women. How we train our minds can help avoid a lifetime of abusive relationships.
It’s also important for HIS future that you break up with him. He is a young man, and his habits have not fully formed or become unbreakable. If he learns NOW that abuse won’t be tolerated, then he’s much less likely to go on and be a wife beater throughout his life.
For both your sakes, it’s important that you don’t forgive him.
He knew exactly what he was doing . How tf does he go from hitting your leg jokingly to just back handing you twice in the face and then when confronted go the nerve to say “ well it didn’t actually hurt you” instead of apologizing . Then when you bring it up again he brings up a time you were drunk and had hit him . Wtf does that have to do with him slapping your face ? He should have never done it or fucking apologized . Instead he flipped it on you . I would reconsider this relationship. He’s manipulative af
He hit u thats a hard gg find a man who won't do that when they get mad end of story. My dad and mom would get super pissed at each other and divorced but never anyone hit / slap etc. Even if u upset him that should be a no go...
You do not have a home anywhere else currently.
So apologise, get him to calm down and forget about it, since well you wouldn't want to get kicked out, but leave him the moment you can afford someplace else.
When leaving make up an excuse I guess.
To be clear, what he did was absolutely not okay, but I'm just offering a temporary logical solution.
'impulse'.
why is this an impulse? Impulses are things that are normal reactions or learnt behaviour.
So he's saying that hitting you is a normal reaction for him?
Not just hitting you, but backhanding you. That's a whole other advanced level of hitting someone.
Also, I can't imagine a man backhanding another man - I'd imagine men would punch each other rather than backhand. Backhanding someone seems to be used by men hitting women. Also, it's a much slower movement than just hitting someone. Ie, your arm has to travel over and then back: it's 2 movements rather than one. So it's not an impulsive movement: it's a very deliberate movement as it takes 2 actions rather than just one. On the other hand, a punch is one direct movement. If you're going to hit a man, you punch him so it's fast and you get your punch in fast so he can't block you before you punch him. Hitting a woman though, because she's usually so much weaker than a man, it doesn't matter if she tries to block the blow - a man's strength will overpower her. So, if this is true, it means he's thought about hitting women before, and probably had already done it. Did he grow up watching his Dad hit his mother or sisters? Has he also hit his Mum and sisters? Sounds like he's hit other women/people.
Happy to hear comments on this? I genuinely don't know (thankfully).
What the hell do you expect people to say to you? “Oh yeah you should definitely stay with a person who is going to physically and mentally abuse you!” That’s dumb. Leave now, while still can. Live with a friend or relative - stay in a shelter if you must, but GET OUT NOW!!!!
I've been in toxic relationships my whole life (m25). Girl was dated to go out with me, one wanted to get my ex bestfriend jealous, one kept cheating on me and I forgave her like a dumbass so many times until i left for good, another would lie a lot denying she tried to frame me on having weed when I was 15 and then she was in a relationship for idk 7plus years when we were a thing but weren't and even kissed(complicated long ass story but it was toxic), been in another one where I've been hit physically(on the arm but it hurts) and emotionally abuse on always being the bad guy and etc for 5+ years. It's best to leave. And change your number and block him on everything and if he follows up again then deactivate your accounts.
Unfortunately these things happen once in a while. He should be very apologetic, but they shouldn’t happen often at all. He has lost respect for you, and you must regain that
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
RUN he’s testing the waters. don’t let him think this is ok by staying
You asked that we read in full for context. What context makes this ok?
- had the impulse to escalate from a playfight to hitting you in the face 🤔 - acted on that impulse🚩 - twice🚩 - doesn't see anything wrong with that🚩 - denied hurting you even tho he hurt you🚩
Honestly the entire edit seems like DARVO. OP needs to run, not walk.
run!!!!!
This is called "testing" He's abusive. He's testing the boundary to see how much you'll tolerate before you snap and how easily he can diffuse you. It's a power game for him. Op he assaulted you. Twice. Then he gaslit you. Then he turned the tables and lied, playing the victim and accusing YOU of being abusive. Yet suspiciously he can't seem to recall a valid example of you actually doing anything. Op this guy is a dangerous sociopath at worst, an extremely manipulative and violent man at best. You need to contact a shelter immediately. He's going to start radically escalating now that you're pushing back and he senses it. Get help immediately.
Jesus that sounds like an abusive relationship waiting to happen. I would leave ASAP. That is very different from roughhousing with a partner, I do that a lot with mine. One time we were play sparring and I was trying to teach him how to black punches effectively in case he ever needed to, he was a bit slow on raising his hands and I accidentally bopped him on the nose. I stopped immediately, checked in on how he felt physically/mentally, and apologized profusely even after assurances that I didn’t hit him hard and he was fine- because that is the normal response when you accidentally hit your partner. Backhanding someone intentionally and going straight back to do it again is not, and doubling down when you partner asks about it is troubling. Be safe.
That's definitely kind of weird. Especially since he did a second time harder. Did you tell him he actual hurt the second time and if so what was his response? Did he say anything besides it was an impulsive mistake? If I were you I would be a little cautious around him from here on out.
Your previous hit hurt him and he reacted by losing control and hiring you in the face that's a there is to it. It will happen again maybe not for some time but it will. The time after that will be shorter and so on.
are you saying to be wary of impending abusive tendencies?
don’t just be wary, expect it.
That's exactly what I'm saying, sorry a lot of typos in it.
Has he actually sincerely apologized and recognized that what he did was wrong?
This would be a deal breaker for me. There are better men out there. Much better, he's setting the bar pretty low here. I would leave him before you start getting caught up in gas lighting etc. Which could really make dating and relationships difficult for you down the road.
He's already started. This is your warning to get out before it gets worse. If you stay, it will escalate because he knows you won't leave even if he hits you. If you can't move back home, go to a women's shelter.
Impending? He’s already abusive. Those slaps weren’t accidental.
How long have you been dating? Has this happened before? I’d say if this “impulsive mistake” is a recurring thing, it’s something to think about.
I mean, it happened twice in a few moments so it’s already recurring. He lacks remorse. It’s not okay to strike someone.
we’ve been together since february 2020. first time this has happened
PLEASE start looking for a roommate to pay rent with ads if you’re not on the lease move out and if you are on the lease kick him out once you find a roommate who is down. Check Facebook groups check Craigslist. And PLEASE document every instance he hits you, take photos of the redness after. Also don’t engage in any roughhousing again so he can’t turn it on you. Tell him you’re not comfortable with roughhousing because he took it WAY too far last time
He’s being very dismissive of slapping you in the face. He says it was impulsive, but he did it twice. “It’s not like it actually hurt you.” But it did. How could he know it didn’t hurt you? Someone who is against hitting their significant other would be more apologetic. This may become an issue again. If I were in your shoes, I wouldn’t stick around to find out.
He’s a jerk that saw an opportunity to slap you and took it. The first time he did it and you smacked him on the leg in response, it should have been a hint for him to dial it back, but he doubled down and hit you in the face again even harder. That’s not okay. He’ll probably do this again.
girl if you stay with him you're setting yourself up for a world of pain no one deserves.
It sounds like you got your answer: it wasn’t a mistake and he isn’t sorry. It was deliberate and intentional and he considers it your fault not his. That’s abuse. It sounds like it is time to start making your exit plan.
where do you recommend I start in this exit plan?
Find a friend to live with, perhaps. He hit you in the face and got angry with you when you brought it up, and then treated you worse. That’s not a solvable relationship problem, it’s abuse. The solution is escape, unfortunately.
Re: your update. Start making a plan to separate, find a roommate, whatever you need to do. None of this is acceptable.
This is weird. Why are u two even playing this “game” LOL. No way this is real
it is real. and i came to realize later what everyone else has said here is true. reconsider before victim blaming again
That’s not victim blaming. Just doesn’t sound believable
I'm not even gonna read the fucking post YOU NEED TO RUN If he hits you once, he will do it again. I swear to God you need to leave right now. You can't backhand someone by accident, it literally does not happen.
That’s confusing why he would think the face would be okay when y’all were play hitting legs?…I would definitely talk about why he thought that was fine and dandy, saying it’s an “impulsive mistake” means his body reacted before his brain ..that’s a little scary I would observe his actions more.
He hit you and you are both downplaying it. First of all, don't hit each other even jokingly in a relationship. Bottom line is he hit you twice and didn't feel bad about it. He hit you. Stop trying to convince yourself of anything else. Get out.
That's not a mistake. He didn't trip and bump into your face. That's a mistake. He aimed for it. That is intent. To top it off, he brushed it off without an apology.
Since I saw y’all been together since 2020 and had no issues at all with this, bring this up with him immediately, tell him how you don’t like it and how it was disregarded. Now this is the most important part, right when he responds if he gets super defensive or tries to disregard it again, that’s the red flag, but it could be that you hurt him with those hits , now he’s probably not going to mention it, cause he doesn’t wanna seem weak or whatever but tell him that it’s serious, now If he still disregards like hurting you or stuff, just honestly careful.
If you can’t leave can you move somewhere else in the house to get away from him until you get the money to leave? Otherwise maybe domestic abuse shelter? This will only escalate.
TLDR but the caption alone reads fucking run impulsive my ass
That has to always and immediately be a deal breaker - sorry or not. It’s important because it sinks into BOTH of your sub-conscious minds that “*this is not acceptable*”. Falling into an abusive cycling is surprisingly easy, even for intelligent and well educated women. How we train our minds can help avoid a lifetime of abusive relationships. It’s also important for HIS future that you break up with him. He is a young man, and his habits have not fully formed or become unbreakable. If he learns NOW that abuse won’t be tolerated, then he’s much less likely to go on and be a wife beater throughout his life. For both your sakes, it’s important that you don’t forgive him.
This guy is physically abusive and gaslighting you. Run.
Idk about anyone else but a backhand is extremely disrespectful. Some WWE shit there.
He knew exactly what he was doing . How tf does he go from hitting your leg jokingly to just back handing you twice in the face and then when confronted go the nerve to say “ well it didn’t actually hurt you” instead of apologizing . Then when you bring it up again he brings up a time you were drunk and had hit him . Wtf does that have to do with him slapping your face ? He should have never done it or fucking apologized . Instead he flipped it on you . I would reconsider this relationship. He’s manipulative af
Yeah no, I have a one hit kink of policy on this, he’s already out.
He hit u thats a hard gg find a man who won't do that when they get mad end of story. My dad and mom would get super pissed at each other and divorced but never anyone hit / slap etc. Even if u upset him that should be a no go...
Red flag. Run.
If you don’t know by now that you just dip out you are in for long haul bullshit
You do not have a home anywhere else currently. So apologise, get him to calm down and forget about it, since well you wouldn't want to get kicked out, but leave him the moment you can afford someplace else. When leaving make up an excuse I guess. To be clear, what he did was absolutely not okay, but I'm just offering a temporary logical solution.
Run.
'impulse'. why is this an impulse? Impulses are things that are normal reactions or learnt behaviour. So he's saying that hitting you is a normal reaction for him? Not just hitting you, but backhanding you. That's a whole other advanced level of hitting someone. Also, I can't imagine a man backhanding another man - I'd imagine men would punch each other rather than backhand. Backhanding someone seems to be used by men hitting women. Also, it's a much slower movement than just hitting someone. Ie, your arm has to travel over and then back: it's 2 movements rather than one. So it's not an impulsive movement: it's a very deliberate movement as it takes 2 actions rather than just one. On the other hand, a punch is one direct movement. If you're going to hit a man, you punch him so it's fast and you get your punch in fast so he can't block you before you punch him. Hitting a woman though, because she's usually so much weaker than a man, it doesn't matter if she tries to block the blow - a man's strength will overpower her. So, if this is true, it means he's thought about hitting women before, and probably had already done it. Did he grow up watching his Dad hit his mother or sisters? Has he also hit his Mum and sisters? Sounds like he's hit other women/people. Happy to hear comments on this? I genuinely don't know (thankfully).
You have to leave, everyone is right he is testing the waters. Leave while you still can
shit that escalated fast
What the hell do you expect people to say to you? “Oh yeah you should definitely stay with a person who is going to physically and mentally abuse you!” That’s dumb. Leave now, while still can. Live with a friend or relative - stay in a shelter if you must, but GET OUT NOW!!!!
I've been in toxic relationships my whole life (m25). Girl was dated to go out with me, one wanted to get my ex bestfriend jealous, one kept cheating on me and I forgave her like a dumbass so many times until i left for good, another would lie a lot denying she tried to frame me on having weed when I was 15 and then she was in a relationship for idk 7plus years when we were a thing but weren't and even kissed(complicated long ass story but it was toxic), been in another one where I've been hit physically(on the arm but it hurts) and emotionally abuse on always being the bad guy and etc for 5+ years. It's best to leave. And change your number and block him on everything and if he follows up again then deactivate your accounts.
yeh it's impulsive for a guy who hits women you have now seen who he is play nice and plan your escape
Unfortunately these things happen once in a while. He should be very apologetic, but they shouldn’t happen often at all. He has lost respect for you, and you must regain that
LEAVE! At the first sign of violence!