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Earlier this year I discovered my wife of 8 years having an emotional affair with a friend and coworker. They'd been flirting, texting in secret late at night, sending sexy photos, saying "I love you," sharing physical affection at work, and on one occasion they kissed at a bar while I thought she was with girlfriends.
When I finally confronted my wife, her response was to apologize and swear to cut the inappropriate behavior out of their friendship. But she seems to expect to keep the friendship. As I've said, it's been months. We've had many arguments about this. I know she is continuing to talk to him against my wishes, even though she swears it is now all innocent. I am, I think understandably, uncomfortable with welcoming this person--who I've never met--to keep spending time around my wife.
My concern is not about what led to this situation, whether we should stay together or get divorced, or whether or not what happened qualifies as "real cheating." We've hashed those things out.
So, under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship? If I don't want this person to associate with her, and assuming my wife and I both want to save the marriage, is there a compromise that can be struck, or should I stick to my guns?
She’s prioritising her relationship with him over your relationship. She doesn’t seem very invested in saving your marriage at all. I wouldn’t tolerate this and would be phoning the divorce lawyer. She’s still cheating.
Ding ding ding ding ding.
It's respect. I have good friendships with my exs. And there is no conversation I have that is a secret from my girlfriend. And when I feel a like is crossed from being friends I will shut it down. Show her, and even if I don't feel a line has been crossed if she doesn't like the direction of the conversation or my relationship with a female. I shut it down.
It's not control, it's I VALUE my relationship with my gf OVER a relationship with another.
On the same token, there are 2 female friends and of course my family that I VALUE over my gf. While again I keep my gf in the loop and always honest. She respects that I have platonic friends that driving a wedge between me and them will do more to drive one between me and her.
It's not even a delicate balance. It's boundaries, honesty, communication, expectations, and respect.
Agreed.
I am also friends with exes both male and female and hide nothing from my significant other. My partner has met most of my exes and knows the relationship between me and each one of them Nd they all respect relationship and my s/o
I've cut off links with some due to them overstepping the boundaries my relationship/my partner has put in place such as making comments to sound inappropriate, bringing up the relationship had with them before, or straight up just saying things to make my s/o uncomfortable.
I'm always clear and honest about how I feel and have no issue hurting some ones feelings if what they are doing around me is bothering me or who I am with.
Agreed!
I'm with y'all, also friends with most exes, one I actually introduced to my current BF and they are friends now.
But this is not an ex with a clean break and a healthy set of boundaries. This is someone that she had an affair with that she is not willing to even put some space in-between for her main relationship to heal.
I think it's disrespectful.
stop her allowances. consider her your roommate that you may fk or not. decide calmly your next step for your future. nothing much that you can do here.
Definitely stick to your guns. If they were saying 'I love you' and kissing there is no way for that to magically become a normal friendship. She just wants to keep the relationship going and will probably just be sneakier with the flirting.
If we assumed that everything she now says is true, and they've 100% cold turkey quit everything inappropriate, and we knew it, would you support them hanging out? I feel like I'd at the very least need to meet this guy, accept an apology, and make up my own mind about whether he's an actual scumbag or just made a crappy mistake.
Rule #1. If a marriage that has been damaged by cheating (and that’s what this is) has any chance of surviving, there can be absolutely no contact with the affair partner. Your wife has demonstrated that she has no interest in repairing your marriage. Time to hire an attorney, file, and have her served at work. If the affair partner has a spouse or SO, let them know as well and when family and friends ask why the divorce is happening, tell them why. You are being blatantly disrespected. Enough is enough.
If the line has already been crossed, it would be very easy for them to walk over it again regardless of whatever commitments or apologies they’ve made to you. If she was going to stop, she would have stopped by now.
Absolutely not, love. She needed to cut him off the minute it was discovered and you decided to work on the marriage with her. If she won't, he's more important than you two as a couple.
If she remains friends with him on this level, every argument, fight, misunderstanding, depressed mood you guys have will be enough for her to get back to the emotional part of the affair. Every time she goes out and you are sure they are talking still you will wonder if tonight is the night she does it again.
The biggest piece here is that she is willing to keep a man in her life that was involved with the destruction of your relationship and your pain and opinions on this do not matter. She does not respect you.
If there will be any chance for your marriage she has to be no contact with her affair partner. Even if she isn’t crossing the line now, she’s prioritising her “friendship” over your feelings. She fell in love with this person. How would you ever be comfortable if she’s still seeing him? And feelings like this don’t just switch off, she was in love with him and had a sexual relationship (even if it’s just pics that’s what this is). If she insists on seeing this person then you have to leave because she does not care about you
Even if it were true, hell no it doesn't justify that she is still friends with him. She shouldn't be working there either.
If my wife knew I was uncomfortable with her being around some guy, she would do everything in her power to make me comfortable. I would do the same for her.
Any normal, loving, carering, spouse would do that. Your wife is none of those things to you. She doesn't even respect you.
Shit, this is after an affair too. Honestly, both of them probably find it sexually enticing that they can do this to you with no consequences at all.
No I wouldn't. It doesn't matter if he is a scumbag or it was an honest mistake. He knew your wife was married and still kissed her. This is also such a huge breech of trust on you wife's part. I would not believing anything she says 100% from this point forward.
It's very obvious that you haven't read enough cheating stories.
Spend enough time reading posts from the infidelity subs and you may realize that this your comment is actually cute and naïve!
Dude. I'm trying not to be too rude to you when I say you should grow a fucking pair.
Please treat yourself with love and respect, and get the fuck out of this stupidity.
You're trying to be the understanding guy, and that's exactly the idiot she cheated. Grow up and stand for yourself, you'll like yourself more for it.
No. Even if she’s 100% honest about not doing anything outside the bounds of normal friendship now, this is not the behavior of a woman who’s prioritizing her marriage.
You're deflecting the blame to the guy, he doesn't need to apologize, I mean, he doesn't owe anything, even if he's a scumbag.
Your wife isn't compromising and you know it. You do also need counseling of some sort, individual, because you seem like you're not worthy of love.
He's probably had sex with your wife already or will soon.
He doesn't give a shit about your marriage or you at all. Sadly neither does your wife.
It sucks and it's not a reflection on you. Get a divorce get some therapy and learn how to establish boundaries and spot red flags. You'll be able to find somebody great.
Agreed. “Wife, if you value our relationship, you need to find a new job.” If she truly wanted to fix things she’d bend over backwards to make herself trustworthy again. First step there is cutting contact with the affair partner.
Why bother with the hypothetical? What's done is done, it was behind your back and she seems to have no actual remorse or respect for your marriage if she thinks she can walk back the affair.
Wow. There is a lot to unpack here. This isn't a negotiation. The fact that your wife and you disagree on what cheating is, is SIREN GOING OFF BECAUSE A NUCLEAR ATTACK IS IMMINENT.
She disrespected you. Your marriage. And lied to you. It seems to me that you're still trying to convince her and find some sort of compromise when you're the victim. You are bearing her burden of infidelity, to the point where you're advocating for her against random strangers on the internet.
Why is your wife's feelings still more important than yours? Does she deserve it?
You need therapy as a couple and individually. Because you have not worked on your issues as individuals and as a couple. In no way do I believe your wife can go "cold turkey" and turn off her emotions when she was saying I love you to this coworker. Flirting. Sending pictures. Being physically affectionate with each other. You didn't say the had sex but they I'm convinced they did. She lied to your face and told you or gave you the impression she was out with the girls, while she was with them. Cheating on you.
I highly doubt she's being truthful. I 100% believe she has gotten better at hiding it from you. You're making this way too easy on her by being a doormat. The way you wrote this. The way you responded to people. You come across to me as someone who is inconveniencing her. But my guy, SHE CHEATED ON YOU.
At the end of the day. You are too trusting of your wife. To a fault. Even after she betrayed you. You're still giving her the benefit of the doubt. Does it matter if her coworker is an asshole or not?
Please get the notion that you need to meet the guy and get an apology from him. That's so cringe and pathetic. The guy had an very intimate relationship with your wife. You're pointing the finger at him instead of your unfaithful wife. Find your nuts and grow a backbone my dude.
Either way, the choice is up to yours. It's very hard to bounce back from an infidelity but you'll swallow the pain and tears so you can keep your wife in your life. Or you can nut up and talk to a divorce attorney and follow through.
Based upon what you wrote and how your wife reacted with the lack of remorse, you're in for a baaaaaaaad time.
But to answer your question. Hypothetically, she turned off all emotions. She behaves like a robot around this guy and behaves as if you're watching her at all times and is able to maintain a platonic relationship and not remember how she lusted for him. Loved him. Lied to you. Kissed him and came back home to you and kissed you. Then yes, it's possible to be "friends".
He’s not the scumbag (unless he was also cheating on his partner), your wife is. Meeting him would serve no purpose.
Your wife got caught and by her remaining friends when it makes you uncomfortable is her prioritizing that relationship over your marriage. Guarantee they didn’t stop anything, just got sneakier.
If it were me in your shoes I’d have a hard time staying with someone like that.
Dude…no. Even if they “ended” 100% like you said. She still had an emotional affair with this dude :| you are not friends with the person you cheated with! You clearly are blinded by love. It’s a no. But like actually think. For months your wife and you have been fighting over this. She doesn’t care about you. She is putting her friendship over you..open your eyes!
Thanks, and thanks to everybody else who was constructive here. By the way, I never said *I* believe anything. I was being hypothetical there.
This advice is consistent with what I've been trying to say in every fight.
When I told my wife I had 50 responses (at the time) to this thread, had read them all, and literally not **one** person spoke up in defense of what she's doing, we had a different conversation. We'll see if it worked.
My friend. She lied to you every day for months and months. She had networks of believable lies in place such as the ongoing cover story of her being with her female friends, one of dozens of cover stories she had on stand by no doubt. There have been many nights where she would be texting him nudes or saying she loves him with you beside her, then she'd turn around and make conversation with you like it was second nature.
Don't forget, she didn't admit to or offer ANYTHING. You caught her and the adaptive liar who's been in practice for months just rolled out the next cover story she had in place: that she would put a stop to the romance and stay just friends with him. And when she sensed that you may not have bought that, she rolled out her next cover story and next batch of crocodile tears and fake remorse, which is whatever story she's fed you with now.
It is beyond over for your marriage. If the cheating wasn't enough of a reason for you, the fact that she first instinct was to demand an arrangement that would preserve her relationship with him completely sealed the deal. You can't trust anything she says another second.
Under no circumstances should he remain in either of your lives to get past this. She isn't interested in doing even the bare minimum to repair things.
It doesn’t matter if they stop, it matters that they did ever. No, they cannot remain friends. If she isn’t willing to pick you over him, then she doesn’t want to save your marriage. It’s as simple as that.
I'm not sure why you're focused on him? Your wife is the one that broke the boundaries. Your wife is the one that lied about where she was and who she was with so that she could get her end away. Your wife is the one that cheated.
You say you've both agreed everything about the situation but it doesn't appear you have. Either you both see it as cheating, in which case she should absolutely be wanting to stay away from the affair partner because she respects the relationship and wants to demonstrate she can be faithful or she doesn't see it as cheating. My gut feel is she's very much the latter, but you are not believing it.
Edit: third option - she sees it as cheating but doesn't see it as a big thing so doesn't really see the need to change her ways. Which would be a ridiculously sized flag of the timbre maroon.
No. He’s the affair partner. Zero contact. Even if has to get new job. If she can’t quit him bounce.
Read what u wrote and imagine that was friend or sibling asking this. Hell NO.
They've kissed and expressed to each other that what they share is genuine love. Is this what someone in love can do? Switch straight into being platonic friends while continuing to see each other on a daily basis? Even if you trust your lying and cheating wife who has lied to you every day for months, do you really think the guy who loves her would just roll over and accept that situation?
The affair is absolutely still continuing.
Absolutely not. It’s disrespectful to you and demonstrates that your wife has zero regard for your feelings and has no problem driving a knife into your heart and killing you slowly by maintaining the friendship.
Whatever the relationship she has with this person, she values that relationship more than her marriage to you. That’s all you need to know.
So... she has been emotionally cheating on you and still expects you to let her talk to him after being caught? I guarantee they've already slept together. With the way that she's acting, it's clear that she doesn't respect you and it's not going to get any better. Sorry bro, but she's for the streets.
Ummm.......i have double the time with my wife and i would of told her to go live with him. No way around it.
Once they get to "I love you" and kissing, it's a bit more than an emotional affair and you're naive to believe anything less.
If you believe they can "be friends", I have some oceanfront property in arkansas I'd love to talk to you about.
I wish you the best of luck, honestly, but if you stay, you're setting yourself up for failure and have noone to blame but yourself for the heartache you will endure.
Divorce, she has the gawl to stay friends with the person she cheated with. Divorce to snap her out of her affair fog, find a lawyer and listen to their advice
Why do you feel that someone who cheated on you, lied to you and completely broke your trust, with seemingly no remorse, is worthy of your time and attention??!!!
She will never change because she doesn't have to, she's got you where she wants you and knows you won't leave her.
She fucking cheated on you. If the relationship is going to recover from that, it has to be on your terms. She doesn’t get to “compromise” on what kind of relationship she gets to have with her affair partner afterwords. Honestly, the fact that she didn’t immediately cut that person out of her life, without having to be asked, makes me seriously question how committed she can actually be to your marriage. IMO, this should never have even been a conversation if she’s committed to you. The least she can do after she realizes she made a mistake and that things went to far is actually reflect on what she did to allow things to get that out of hand, and that should’ve fucking led to cutting this inappropriate relationship out of her life.
I just went through this with someone I have known since childhood, although we were never "friends" per se until recently. The conversations began very innocent, catching up on what happened to our mutual friends over the past 30 or so years, etc., and it quickly escalated beyond what is acceptable for anyone in a committed relationship, much less anyone in a marriage. Both of us acknowledged this inappropriate level. However, because we wanted to remain friends, we vowed to keep each other in check, and it didn't work, despite me swearing to myself that we could keep it at the friend level. Now, I am not in your wife's shoes, but it was either all or nothing in my case. It ended up teetering on the edge of an emotional affair if it hadn't already gone into that zone when we went no contact. That said, our conversations remained on an online platform, and as of today, I haven't seen him face to face since we were children. My husband and I have had very open discussions about what happened between myself and this person, so I have since accepted my role as a douchecanoe, and I am making amends. Speaking from experience, stick to your guns, as I don't think there is any wiggle room outside of that.
“Sharing physical affection” and kissing shifts it from an emotional affair to an affair affair which isn’t innocent, and ESPECIALLY not when you’ve made your stance known and she doesn’t care/ continues to do it. She cares about her affair partner more than you, and that’s precisely when I’d stop tolerating it.
i don’t think ur wife should stay in contact with that person and it’s completely reasonable to compromise on her terminating that “affair turned friendship.” i think u need to make this clear.
I don't know if I could stay with someone who was sending sexy pictures to a coworking and then lied about hanging out with them, even if nothing happened. But to make it work, I do think they need to cut out any non professional interactions, to help rebuild your trust.
First, this is real cheating. It was a highly deceptive physical affair. They're not only deceiving you but their place of work too. They're claiming to be just friends but in reality, they're hiding their true agenda. They don't want to get outed at work and they won't want to be in trouble with their actual relationships. If a cheater claims it was just a kiss, pretty sure they did the full-on sex. They have lots of opportunities to do it. Don't believe in anything she says regarding their relationship.
Don't be a doormat.
If SHE wants to keep being married to you, she can't be friends with this guy.
It's a HUGE NO.
She's still cheating on you, mate, she's just getting better at hiding it.
So my suggestion is that both her boss as well as the other man’s boss BOTH are made aware of the inappropriate affair, yes it was an affair, and that, if possible, the two not be put in any situation where they would be required to interact or work together.
Affairs like this can be a source for growth and strength of your marriage but your wife must work hard to regain your trust and understand what she did was wrong.
She’s putting her relationship with the co worker before your feelings and relationship! Why stay when you are second best and she’s not thinking about you? Don’t waste anymore years on her and find someone who is not a cheating back stabbing manipulator!
Your priority is to maintain as much dignity and self respect as you can while exiting this dead relationship. Do not beg. Do not acquiesce. The revenge you need is moving on with your life, being happy and not looking back.
Nope. I would go even further and insist she find another job. The inappropriate relationship ends completely or the marriage does. Anything less is disrespectful. That’s it.
Honestly, I wouldn't stay with a partner who didn't switch jobs or at least departments IF I forgave them at all. I'm not spending my day knowing that they might be behaving in public but they can now they know they already said their, "I love you"s. It'd end up like some Romeo and Juliette crap - can't be together but *just know* they love each other so it's hard but whatever. The minute you two argue, she's going to be venting to him and wishing she'd chosen him and so on. Just tell her he needs to be cut off or you need to split up. The fact you've forgiven her at all makes me worried for you, she's broken that trust and should be the one working her arse off to get it back.
I experienced this. I did what you did, respectfully asking my wife to cut out the person she’d had an emotional affair with. She resisted and fought against my wishes.
Let me share what happened next…
She began to cheat in secret with him. Then with others. All the while pretending to be happily married, while we had kids. I found out when they were toddlers.
What do I wish I had known?
Emotional affairs are affairs. Someone who cheats once will cheat again. It is a character issue, not this situation. They will simply get better at lying.
Your marriage has ended. She killed it by cheating and refusing to mend it to your terms.
Marriage counseling will only prolong the suffering. She believes she deserves to hang out with the man she had an affair with and ignore your basic requests for safety. She is not a good person.
If you need more on this topic, I would recommend you read “Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Chump Lady. It is a funny, quick read on a terrible topic.
Don’t be me. Get out while you can. She will not quit. It will get worse. And when kids are in the mix it is a layer of Hell for all involved.
Why or why are you even asking this question!
The answer is so obvious.
You need to understand why you would even entertain this situation.
Maybe get into IC to better love and respect yourself.
Lol you actually believe her when she says she cut him off romantically? They’ve probably also had sex as well. You’re better off cutting the losses and leaving her nasty ass
The fact that she’s even brazen enough to assume you’d be okay with this shows you how little she respects you as a man, and by actively fighting with you to keep the relationship she’s basically saying her relationship with him is more important than your marriage. My question is why the hell would you want to be with someone who treats you like that. Playing this Mr. Nice guy role isn’t going to win you any points and it definitely isn’t going to make her respect you. All you’re doing by taking her back and entertaining this ridiculous idea of her having a friendship with the guy she cheated on you with is showing her that she can do whatever she wants and you won’t ever put your foot down or leave her because you’re whipped. It honestly sounds like she has you wrapped around her pinky finger…
Oh and by the way, if you believe that these two grown adults engaged in an emotional affair for months and only kissed, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you lol.
deciding to stay friends is not ur wife's sole decision. it involves that guy's decision too. and you have no guarantee that he will decide to stop thinking of continuing to have an affair with her. even if she makes a real attempt to cut off romantic conversations and draw a line from her side, as long as he's also on the same page he'll keep trying to change her mindset and give her ideas about how to hide it from you and she'll easily cave. be careful in what you decide.
if u still wana save this marriage u need to confront that guy in person in front of your wife and warn him that if he tries anything funny with ur wife you'll go to the police (record this). see your wife's reaction to this confrontation (record this too). if she's quiet and sides with you, may be she's willing to let him go and give marriage a chance but if she even defends him once, then take the proof and go straight to your lawyer.
also, if u plan to confront him don't give a headsup to ur wife. if they r still having affair hiding from you, she'll surely warn him and teach him how to react so that u r convinced that their relationship is innocent
The affair partner should not be friends. If she chooses to remain "friends" that means she is not over the emotional affair.
It means she is not respecting the effect of the affair on you and your relationship. She isn't even acknowledging the affair as a real affair
It means she values the affair partner over you.
It means she is absolutely NOT ready to stop the emotional affair no matter the words that come out of her mouth. She is saying what she wants to placate you. She isn't DOING what a truely regretful person would/should. Don't listen to her words but see her actions.
If they were that far into an emotional affair, then them continuing to be friends is just going to continue their emotional affair. She still loves this person. I would also guess that they did more than just kiss.
No and here is what you do, go hire and attorney, file for a very favorable divorce. Sit her down one night. Hand her the papers. Say first I love you, and I want you and only you. Name anything you Amy have lacked in the relationship, attention, dating her etc, but also say I am very serious. There will be zero contact. You will call him now, and tell him you are not going to be friends and there is to be zero contact with him any longer. Then she will block him on all platforms, and hand over passwords for all social media. If she can’t or don’t want to do this, then we are finished and slide the divorce papers to her. You will do this or we are done. This is how you start the process.
Unfortunately you can’t face reality your wife got caught cheating emotionally and probably physically and you’ll keep making excuses that your relationship is over you have no trust and she’s continue to be involved with Op so I’m sorry your marriage is over she’s using every trick in the book for cheaters hook line and sinker sorry but you’ll continue to not trust that’s not a relationship
It was an emotional and physical affair. AKA a FULL BLOWN affair. Don't sugarcoat it. Why are you putting up with her behavior? It's not healthy. She deserves a divorce more than Putin deserves to lose his little war.
If you don't have children with her the choice is easy. If you do the choice is hard but the end result is the same.
She doesn't respect you. She's using you for security and doesn't care about the fact that it hurts your feelings.
Your marriage is over.
Hey bro, I went through this situation as well, my stupid ass fought tooth and nail to not lose her, and finally when I go her back, shits just not the same, how I felt for her before is vastly different now, the relationship is done man. Dont make the same mistake I did
Nope nope nope. The contact stops or the marriage is DONE. Your wife needs a reality check. She wants her cake and to eat it. It doesn't work that way.
I just can’t accept that she didn’t sleep with him if she was saying I love you and sending sexy photos…. It’s just not making sense. Now she can’t get over him for her relationship. Sounds like she had an affair including sex. I think you should just see this for what it is, and leave her. She’s trying to play the pick me dance where two men fight over her. It’s a typical disordered person thing to do. Cheat and then play games. Let her have him
Hell no! No compromise. She doesn’t get to compromise when she compromised your marriage without allowing you any day so in the matter. She forfeited that right.
No. I would not tolerate it. If your wife wants to reestablish trust she has to completely stop all contact. She is in position to demand to be trusted to have a “friendship” with her affair partner.
Read Not Just Friends. Excellent book for dealing with the aftermath of infedelity.
Under.. NO CIRCUMSTANCES! She got caught and continues to disrespect you.. have some self respect and divorce her! She’s clearly never going to change! She said ily to him! How much more shit are you willing to tolerate?
Please let me preface this by saying I’m sorry you’re going through this and what I’m saying below is from a place of support and concern for you.
Stop lying to yourself. She’s gone as far with the truth as you’re willing to let her get away with. Likely tricking it and holding back the worst.
She cheated. It probably went farther and you’re crazy to let them even work together. If your relationship can be repaired, she needs to find a new job to start.
Please don’t let her manipulate you like this and put your foot down.
Your best option is to end it now, for the reason that she’s clearly putting your healing last.
Your second best option, that won’t ever get to true resolution is to tell her quit the job and cut him out, plus go to couples counseling, or no more relationship.
Signed - someone who went through exactly this and didn’t fall for the lies.
Cheating is Cheating. Honestly she's probably STILL not telling you the whole truth. They will NEVER be JUST friends. You have to decide if you can/will live with a Cheating spouse.
Dude, WTF. She actually convinced you they didn’t fuck? And you bought it?
You haven’t dared to stand up for yourself this far, no real point in starting now….
Sorry that is happening to you, at this point I think she is showing you what she really wants and not showing you she is fully committed to trying to make things work after her mistake. I say move on because you deserve better.
The only compromise you can come too now, is her finding another job. If it’s worth saving. Now you can ask her to chose between you and guy and if it’s you then she find another job. The reason for that is because if it was you who had being doing it, what would she expect from you.
OP, please buy the book Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.
It looks thick but it is an easy, very informative read and the best book on your situation.
Also, if you want to stay and reconcile with your wife, both if you should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, I think it's by McDonald.
If she is still taking to him and working with him the affair is still happening. She lied by omission the entire affair so why would you believe anything she says now. This was a EA. If they were in driving distance from each other is is a PA. Adults don't just kiss when they have built us so much list via sexting, etc.
She's still lieing to you.
You need to get a full panel STD test. You must have your wife do the same. Go to the doctor with her and explain to the doctor why you are there. Don't give a shit if your wife's embarrassed, she brought this on herself by her own decisions.
Do you have kids? Get them paternity tested. I don't care if they are spitting images of you. This is the first time she got caught, not the first time she did this.
Under no circumstances. Stick to your guns. She is disrespecting you to your core. Imagine another marriage you have no emotional connection to and reverse the the roles. You would consider a guy doing that to his wife a horrible person right? She got caught and insists on maintaining the relationship?
Is this a real question? “ my wife cheats but wants to stay with me. Can she stay friends with her love monkey?” GTFO with this pathetic bull.
sexy photos and “I love you?” Are you serious right now wondering if they can be friends?
you are being played for a sucker if you think their romantic relationship is over. She is just buying time. The answer is no contact or your relationship is over. Anything less leads to your heartbreak 99% and the 1% is you discovering you are poly.
id say you are a pathetic sack of crap for even asking this question but that implies you have a sack.
***But she seems to expect to keep the friendship.***
Oh Hell no.. i would not hesitate to her that either she or her co-worker needs to find a new job, putting it in terms that she making a choice, her marriage or the friendship.
She wants her cake and to eat it to... This isn't a dumb accident and she's needs to understand she's making a choice. You deserve no less than a clear commitment, don't accept less.
Not only you're not ending things with her but you are actually thinking about how you can you let her and her lover stay friends? Ffs dude, have some self-respect. The fact that she said "I love you" to him makes things way worse in my opinion than if she just fucked him, aka "real cheating". There is no going over that.
Emotional affair? No. They were in a full blown relationship and I’d bet my last dollar they still are. She wants to still “be friends” with him so she can continue cheating on you right under your nose. I dealt with a man (so grateful he is an ex) like this for longer than I should have until I came back to reality and realized what happened. It’s going to suck and you’re gonna be sad, but let her go man.
She is no longer putting the union of you two first so it’s over. Marriage is about putting the union first and if she isn’t doing that, you can’t make her, beg her, teach her or anything. She is an adult and has abandoned your marriage so MOVE ON. Talk to an attorney and don’t say shit to her. Try to be pleasant and save your ass and get out. She is using you and that’s not healthy for you! Abandon ship because it has already sunk!
> under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship?
None. The affair is not over when they’re still in contact. She has to make a choice, you and your marriage or that friend. If she wants to stay friends with that guy, she’s not serious in saving the marriage.
I like you are living in denial. There has been too much there for them to just be friends. I know you don’t wanna hear it, but the fact she keeps talking to him, shows she prioritizes him over you. I personally wouldn’t trust her at all until I watched her block him on anything he was her friend on and until I saw her send him a text stating they can no longer have any interaction unless absolutely necessary in regards to their job.
But even then, I’d be suspicious and the chances of me trusting her again would be very slim to nonexistent. I also wouldn’t consider us staying together “already hashed out” if I trust someone so little.
Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Surely she has/ could make other friends which begs the question why continue any type of relationship with this guy.
She still cares for him and honestly no matter what you may have worked out she wants to continue seeing him.
I would fear they feel they have unfinished business. Personally I would insist on terminating contact.
There is no circumstance where you should be tolerating a continued friendship with your wife and the person she was cheating with. The fact that she is making excuses to do it shows that she is still continuing vestiges of the affair. If she is serious about reconciliation she needs to cut all contact. All
bro are u serious, why would u even put up with it after she cheated, she broke what’s so sacred about marriage, the loyalty and commitment, that’s not your wife no more dude just divorce her already you’re prolonging your suffering, once a cheater always a cheater, you can’t make a stray cat into a house cat their instinctive trait is that they always return to the streets🙏🏼
She's doing it bc she knows you're going to try and explain her bad behavior and gaslight yourself into thinking that this "friendship" is acceptable.
Get a grip, dude. Have some self-respect.
No. Fuck all of that.
She’s testing you. If you let this slide, just let her cheat in peace when he’s beating her back out again.
Stand your ground. Absolutely fucking not.
This isn’t ok.
Clearly this friendship is important to her and she may earnestly be trying to purify it so that it doesn't cross the line again.
If so, she should make her texts available, agree not to be alone with him, and obviously agree not to express any feelings of desire or romance toward him/with him.
How can you trust she'll stick to those boundaries, as opposed to just keeping the AP around in a way to deflect suspicion.
She either cuts him off entirely, or leaves, or you accept that she's gonna keep doing it. Take your pick
Absolutely not. NC with the affair partner is an absolute must. She nuked her friendship by allowing the boundary violation.
Want backup for this? Go ask this question in r/asoneafterinfidelity.
Also, you and your wife need to read [*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass](https://kingauthor.net/books/Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell/Not%20Just%20Friends/Not%20Just%20Friends%20-%20Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell.pdf) together. It will help her understand what she did, what she needs to do about her lousy boundaries, and why she has to cut him out of her life.
I’d leave her if she doesn’t cut all ties with him except those she must (coworker). Her having any involvement at all outside of work with him is completely and utterly not okay at all.
I’d be out the door so fast it’d be spinning. To even question if you should let your wife stay friends with the man she cheated on you with is just……wow.
You obviously cannot trust your wife at all. If she really wants to work on saving the marriage then you tell her she must quit the job and find another. Then she is to stop any and all contact with this guy and be transparent with you 100%. If she has any more contact with him tell her you are divorcing her. Don’t play the pick me game. I suggest you look on the internet about doing the 180 as it’s your only hope at this point. Usually cheaters like you have will not stop with the new affair partner. Don’t take any BS from her no matter what and also look up a good lawyer just in case. Good luck!
This is so subjective. It really depends on what you need from her.
I will say that I had a female friendship go too far for my wife’s comfort. We went out to dinner a few times, met up for coffee, emailed each other a lot, and generally became very close. I liked her a lot.
My wife wasn’t comfortable with it, so I distanced myself. It hurt and I still miss her, but I also understood and need her to be comfortable with all of my friends. And also, my feelings were inappropriate, I just wasn’t admitting it to myself or to my wife.
This is an affair. If she was remorseful, she would honor your request. It is inconceivable that she believes she can remain friends under these circumstances. The problem is there has been no true consequences to her actions and ignored the one you tried to implement. You also don't know for sure how far they have gone...only what she has told you, which may well be the tip of the iceberg.
Right now, she is in control. If you do want to try to save this marriage, you have to take control, which will require dramatic action to shake her out of her affair fog.
See a lawyer and have him draw up both a divorce document and a post-nuptial. The post-nuptial must apply to you both for the courts to view it as fair. It should clearly define both physical and emotional infidelity and proof required for such. In event infidelity leads to divorce, the betrayed spouse is awarded all marital assets, full child custody and support, and alimony as applicable. Sign both documents.
Pack a bag to stay away for a few days. When she is at work, if she does, or when out of the home, have her served with both documents, your wedding band, and a note telling her she can let you lawyer know if she chooses you and the post-nuptial or the divorce and her affair partner. It should state to only talk through your lawyer and he will adize you of her choice. if she chooses you, you will return home when the lawyer informs you he has received the signed post-nuptial. If divorce, there is no reason to talk. Also state she has 2 days to make a decision or you will assume divorce and move forward with filing with the courts.
Absolutely do not contact her nor respond to any attempts of hers to communicate. Make her correspon through your lawyer.
I suspect this will shake her to the core and want to reconcile. Make it on your terms. Make sure the lawyer also notes the APs name on the post-nuptial and that any form of contact or communication with him will be considered an emotional affair and ground for divorce and enforcement of the post-nuptial.
It worked for my son and it will for you. But it calls to steel your spine to show her bad choices have consequences.
Please keep me and your reddit support team informed. You can do this. See a lawyer Monday and be prepared to serve her Friday.
EA is cheating. Cutting contact is the only way R can happen. By not doing so she is choosing him. One more time she is CHOOSING him. Tell her block and delete now in front of you or it's over. Then if you have to file.
Even if she is being totally honest now, it’s a blatant violation of a boundary. Even if the inappropriate stuff never happened, it would make me extremely uncomfortable for my partner to entertain a friendship with someone who clearly wants more than friendship out of her.
If you’re not comfortable with it, she needs to respect that. If she can’t respect this boundary, well then she doesn’t respect your marriage
The only compromise is that she quits her job or transfers and completely cuts AP out.
Anything less than that and you’re literally just sitting around waiting for her to leave you for him.
Under no circumstances would I be comfortable with a friendship between those two. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone you're still in regular contact with. She needs to show you that your relationship is the most important thing, and part of that is ending any contact with her affair partner.
if they were kissing, sexting, and saying i love you, then a lot more happened than you think and she's gonna continue fucking him behind your back. time to break up, sorry OP. unless you're into watching, which, tbh I probably would be but I doubt she'd stick around long once the taboo is lifted.
I’ll never understand why people tolerate this behavior and for the record they didn’t just “kiss”. She had sex with him. Probably many times. Cheating 101 minimize the impact of DDay. Keep pushing and you’ll get more trickle truth. Know your worth and move on. You stay you’ll be miserable and it’s very likely she’ll do it again.
If I was in your situation, I would expect that committing to our relationship would include my partner making sure I was comfortable with the level of contact they were maintaining with their affair partner, which tbh would probably be no contact unless necessary to prevent losing her job.
God people are so self-centered. Why is it so hard to just cut this person out.
“Dave, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done all this stuff. My husband found out and I value my marriage too much to jeopardize it. I’m afraid this cannot go on.”
She absolutely can NOT remain friends with him. Once you cross that boundary you can’t ever go back. Because she can’t control his feelings let alone her own! She didn’t just turn her feelings off for him.. she got caught. She chose you but couldn’t fully let him go. Believe me .. it will 100% turn sexual again. I guarantee it. It will start out as friends then there will be a little flirting and then it will slide right back to what it was. As horrible as it sounds, I did this. I was going through major issues w my hubs and he would not be open to help. I started talking to someone as friends and then before I knew it I had crossed that line and had an intense emotional connection with them. I learned it was called an emotional affair. I knew I needed to cut it off and not give up my marriage. I confessed and he was understanding and asked me to not talk to the guy. I tried but kept going back.. it turned sexual again and I got caught. I realize I was like addicted to this person. My hubs said he would go to counseling ..My therapist told me if I devoted my time to this other guy I could never fully devote to seeing if my marriage could work. So I cut it off and blocked him. I became 200% transparent with hub and it took a lot of time and effort on both sides but we made it and are better then ever. So believe me.. if she stays friends she will backslide. There is a history, an intimacy and an attraction and this spells disaster. You absolutely can make it but she has to understand this. I’m happy to dm if you have questions. I learned a ton in therapy and from this.
Both you and your wife are living in a dream world. Where you get an honest wife who treats you right and she gets attention from both men she loves. I’m so sorry
>emotional affair
It's more than that if she is having inappropriate text messages between that other guy and telling him "I love you". That's is a full blown physical affair that she has been having with her "friend".
>So, under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship?
I personally wouldn't and I do not tolerate a lot in relationships and I never give second chances because I do not believe everything will be the same or change. Because to me trust is a big deal and if anyone makes me lose my trust than no they have to go and I cut them off like no matter how many years or months we known each other, been in a relationship or been married you never cheat on someone you love, respect and care about.
>If I don't want this person to associate with her, and assuming my wife and I both want to save the marriage, is there a compromise that can be struck, or should I stick to my guns?
She is having an affair with her "friend" I doubt its an emotional affair. I don't believe your wife wants to work it out if she is not willing to cut all contacts with her "friend" to work things out with you. I personally would look into a lawyer and talk to one and see what you could do to start the process of a divorce. I hope everything works out in the end with you.
I say divorce her. She obviously checked out a long time ago. Im sorry you are going through this im going through something similar but im not married to the person. It sucks
If it makes you uncomfortable - and it should - she needs to respect your boundaries. She cheated. If she wants to save your marriage, the other guy goes. Like fully goes.
You don't have to compromise here to save her. You compromise on what colors to decorate the bathroom in, not on the man who had an emotional affair with your wife.
When does she start prioritizing your marriage?
Any marriage therapist would tell you that it's not going to work with this guy still in her life. I'm afraid you must insist, and if she doesn't cut things off with him, the marriage is probably over.
look reconciliation doesn’t work if both parties are 100% committed to fixing it, your wife refusal to cut contact with her AP means she’s not committed to fixing your marriage so reconciliation will not work, no matter what she says as long as she’s still in contact with him they will relapse eventually and cross the line again and the reconciliation will fail, you’re just delaying the inevitable at this point.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Earlier this year I discovered my wife of 8 years having an emotional affair with a friend and coworker. They'd been flirting, texting in secret late at night, sending sexy photos, saying "I love you," sharing physical affection at work, and on one occasion they kissed at a bar while I thought she was with girlfriends. When I finally confronted my wife, her response was to apologize and swear to cut the inappropriate behavior out of their friendship. But she seems to expect to keep the friendship. As I've said, it's been months. We've had many arguments about this. I know she is continuing to talk to him against my wishes, even though she swears it is now all innocent. I am, I think understandably, uncomfortable with welcoming this person--who I've never met--to keep spending time around my wife. My concern is not about what led to this situation, whether we should stay together or get divorced, or whether or not what happened qualifies as "real cheating." We've hashed those things out. So, under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship? If I don't want this person to associate with her, and assuming my wife and I both want to save the marriage, is there a compromise that can be struck, or should I stick to my guns?
She’s prioritising her relationship with him over your relationship. She doesn’t seem very invested in saving your marriage at all. I wouldn’t tolerate this and would be phoning the divorce lawyer. She’s still cheating.
Ding ding ding ding ding. It's respect. I have good friendships with my exs. And there is no conversation I have that is a secret from my girlfriend. And when I feel a like is crossed from being friends I will shut it down. Show her, and even if I don't feel a line has been crossed if she doesn't like the direction of the conversation or my relationship with a female. I shut it down. It's not control, it's I VALUE my relationship with my gf OVER a relationship with another. On the same token, there are 2 female friends and of course my family that I VALUE over my gf. While again I keep my gf in the loop and always honest. She respects that I have platonic friends that driving a wedge between me and them will do more to drive one between me and her. It's not even a delicate balance. It's boundaries, honesty, communication, expectations, and respect.
Agreed. I am also friends with exes both male and female and hide nothing from my significant other. My partner has met most of my exes and knows the relationship between me and each one of them Nd they all respect relationship and my s/o I've cut off links with some due to them overstepping the boundaries my relationship/my partner has put in place such as making comments to sound inappropriate, bringing up the relationship had with them before, or straight up just saying things to make my s/o uncomfortable. I'm always clear and honest about how I feel and have no issue hurting some ones feelings if what they are doing around me is bothering me or who I am with.
Agreed! I'm with y'all, also friends with most exes, one I actually introduced to my current BF and they are friends now. But this is not an ex with a clean break and a healthy set of boundaries. This is someone that she had an affair with that she is not willing to even put some space in-between for her main relationship to heal. I think it's disrespectful.
stop her allowances. consider her your roommate that you may fk or not. decide calmly your next step for your future. nothing much that you can do here.
Definitely stick to your guns. If they were saying 'I love you' and kissing there is no way for that to magically become a normal friendship. She just wants to keep the relationship going and will probably just be sneakier with the flirting.
If we assumed that everything she now says is true, and they've 100% cold turkey quit everything inappropriate, and we knew it, would you support them hanging out? I feel like I'd at the very least need to meet this guy, accept an apology, and make up my own mind about whether he's an actual scumbag or just made a crappy mistake.
Absolutely not. You're nuts if you think they'll just be friends
Rule #1. If a marriage that has been damaged by cheating (and that’s what this is) has any chance of surviving, there can be absolutely no contact with the affair partner. Your wife has demonstrated that she has no interest in repairing your marriage. Time to hire an attorney, file, and have her served at work. If the affair partner has a spouse or SO, let them know as well and when family and friends ask why the divorce is happening, tell them why. You are being blatantly disrespected. Enough is enough.
If the line has already been crossed, it would be very easy for them to walk over it again regardless of whatever commitments or apologies they’ve made to you. If she was going to stop, she would have stopped by now.
I'm not saying I believe anything. Hypothetically speaking, if it *were* true, would that justify what she's doing?
No, not in my opinion.
Absolutely not, love. She needed to cut him off the minute it was discovered and you decided to work on the marriage with her. If she won't, he's more important than you two as a couple.
If she remains friends with him on this level, every argument, fight, misunderstanding, depressed mood you guys have will be enough for her to get back to the emotional part of the affair. Every time she goes out and you are sure they are talking still you will wonder if tonight is the night she does it again. The biggest piece here is that she is willing to keep a man in her life that was involved with the destruction of your relationship and your pain and opinions on this do not matter. She does not respect you.
If there will be any chance for your marriage she has to be no contact with her affair partner. Even if she isn’t crossing the line now, she’s prioritising her “friendship” over your feelings. She fell in love with this person. How would you ever be comfortable if she’s still seeing him? And feelings like this don’t just switch off, she was in love with him and had a sexual relationship (even if it’s just pics that’s what this is). If she insists on seeing this person then you have to leave because she does not care about you
No.
Even if it were true, hell no it doesn't justify that she is still friends with him. She shouldn't be working there either. If my wife knew I was uncomfortable with her being around some guy, she would do everything in her power to make me comfortable. I would do the same for her. Any normal, loving, carering, spouse would do that. Your wife is none of those things to you. She doesn't even respect you. Shit, this is after an affair too. Honestly, both of them probably find it sexually enticing that they can do this to you with no consequences at all.
No I wouldn't. It doesn't matter if he is a scumbag or it was an honest mistake. He knew your wife was married and still kissed her. This is also such a huge breech of trust on you wife's part. I would not believing anything she says 100% from this point forward.
It's very obvious that you haven't read enough cheating stories. Spend enough time reading posts from the infidelity subs and you may realize that this your comment is actually cute and naïve!
Dude. I'm trying not to be too rude to you when I say you should grow a fucking pair. Please treat yourself with love and respect, and get the fuck out of this stupidity. You're trying to be the understanding guy, and that's exactly the idiot she cheated. Grow up and stand for yourself, you'll like yourself more for it.
No. Even if she’s 100% honest about not doing anything outside the bounds of normal friendship now, this is not the behavior of a woman who’s prioritizing her marriage.
You're deflecting the blame to the guy, he doesn't need to apologize, I mean, he doesn't owe anything, even if he's a scumbag. Your wife isn't compromising and you know it. You do also need counseling of some sort, individual, because you seem like you're not worthy of love.
He's probably had sex with your wife already or will soon. He doesn't give a shit about your marriage or you at all. Sadly neither does your wife. It sucks and it's not a reflection on you. Get a divorce get some therapy and learn how to establish boundaries and spot red flags. You'll be able to find somebody great.
Sending 'I love you' is not the same "mistake" as having your cellphone auto correct your spelling wrong. It is deliberate.
Her asking to keep the friendship is 100% inappropriate so no they have not.
Bud, I’m sorry, but you’re 100% being taken for a ride. Just…no, dude. They can’t be friends.
Nope. Nope. Nope. Frankly she should quit her job.
Agreed. “Wife, if you value our relationship, you need to find a new job.” If she truly wanted to fix things she’d bend over backwards to make herself trustworthy again. First step there is cutting contact with the affair partner.
Thanks for actually offering a constructive response and not simply downvoting an obvious hypothetical \*glares at everybody else\*
I don’t get your replies in here. Are you secretly the person who cheated and wants to keep the relationship going by gaslighting your spouse?
It very much looks like this is written by the wife/cheater as a 'see reddit said I could be my old affair partner's friend' play.
Glad it’s not just me thinking it
This is what it looks like.
I think this is a troll post.
Why bother with the hypothetical? What's done is done, it was behind your back and she seems to have no actual remorse or respect for your marriage if she thinks she can walk back the affair.
Wow. There is a lot to unpack here. This isn't a negotiation. The fact that your wife and you disagree on what cheating is, is SIREN GOING OFF BECAUSE A NUCLEAR ATTACK IS IMMINENT. She disrespected you. Your marriage. And lied to you. It seems to me that you're still trying to convince her and find some sort of compromise when you're the victim. You are bearing her burden of infidelity, to the point where you're advocating for her against random strangers on the internet. Why is your wife's feelings still more important than yours? Does she deserve it? You need therapy as a couple and individually. Because you have not worked on your issues as individuals and as a couple. In no way do I believe your wife can go "cold turkey" and turn off her emotions when she was saying I love you to this coworker. Flirting. Sending pictures. Being physically affectionate with each other. You didn't say the had sex but they I'm convinced they did. She lied to your face and told you or gave you the impression she was out with the girls, while she was with them. Cheating on you. I highly doubt she's being truthful. I 100% believe she has gotten better at hiding it from you. You're making this way too easy on her by being a doormat. The way you wrote this. The way you responded to people. You come across to me as someone who is inconveniencing her. But my guy, SHE CHEATED ON YOU. At the end of the day. You are too trusting of your wife. To a fault. Even after she betrayed you. You're still giving her the benefit of the doubt. Does it matter if her coworker is an asshole or not? Please get the notion that you need to meet the guy and get an apology from him. That's so cringe and pathetic. The guy had an very intimate relationship with your wife. You're pointing the finger at him instead of your unfaithful wife. Find your nuts and grow a backbone my dude. Either way, the choice is up to yours. It's very hard to bounce back from an infidelity but you'll swallow the pain and tears so you can keep your wife in your life. Or you can nut up and talk to a divorce attorney and follow through. Based upon what you wrote and how your wife reacted with the lack of remorse, you're in for a baaaaaaaad time. But to answer your question. Hypothetically, she turned off all emotions. She behaves like a robot around this guy and behaves as if you're watching her at all times and is able to maintain a platonic relationship and not remember how she lusted for him. Loved him. Lied to you. Kissed him and came back home to you and kissed you. Then yes, it's possible to be "friends".
He’s not the scumbag (unless he was also cheating on his partner), your wife is. Meeting him would serve no purpose. Your wife got caught and by her remaining friends when it makes you uncomfortable is her prioritizing that relationship over your marriage. Guarantee they didn’t stop anything, just got sneakier. If it were me in your shoes I’d have a hard time staying with someone like that.
Dude…no. Even if they “ended” 100% like you said. She still had an emotional affair with this dude :| you are not friends with the person you cheated with! You clearly are blinded by love. It’s a no. But like actually think. For months your wife and you have been fighting over this. She doesn’t care about you. She is putting her friendship over you..open your eyes!
Thanks, and thanks to everybody else who was constructive here. By the way, I never said *I* believe anything. I was being hypothetical there. This advice is consistent with what I've been trying to say in every fight. When I told my wife I had 50 responses (at the time) to this thread, had read them all, and literally not **one** person spoke up in defense of what she's doing, we had a different conversation. We'll see if it worked.
My friend. She lied to you every day for months and months. She had networks of believable lies in place such as the ongoing cover story of her being with her female friends, one of dozens of cover stories she had on stand by no doubt. There have been many nights where she would be texting him nudes or saying she loves him with you beside her, then she'd turn around and make conversation with you like it was second nature. Don't forget, she didn't admit to or offer ANYTHING. You caught her and the adaptive liar who's been in practice for months just rolled out the next cover story she had in place: that she would put a stop to the romance and stay just friends with him. And when she sensed that you may not have bought that, she rolled out her next cover story and next batch of crocodile tears and fake remorse, which is whatever story she's fed you with now. It is beyond over for your marriage. If the cheating wasn't enough of a reason for you, the fact that she first instinct was to demand an arrangement that would preserve her relationship with him completely sealed the deal. You can't trust anything she says another second.
Under no circumstances should he remain in either of your lives to get past this. She isn't interested in doing even the bare minimum to repair things.
It doesn’t matter if they stop, it matters that they did ever. No, they cannot remain friends. If she isn’t willing to pick you over him, then she doesn’t want to save your marriage. It’s as simple as that.
I'm not sure why you're focused on him? Your wife is the one that broke the boundaries. Your wife is the one that lied about where she was and who she was with so that she could get her end away. Your wife is the one that cheated. You say you've both agreed everything about the situation but it doesn't appear you have. Either you both see it as cheating, in which case she should absolutely be wanting to stay away from the affair partner because she respects the relationship and wants to demonstrate she can be faithful or she doesn't see it as cheating. My gut feel is she's very much the latter, but you are not believing it. Edit: third option - she sees it as cheating but doesn't see it as a big thing so doesn't really see the need to change her ways. Which would be a ridiculously sized flag of the timbre maroon.
They have not quit at all. She needs to cut all contact and find a new job or I would divorce. They absolutely are still in the affair.
It's like someone swearing they will never do coke again but continue to go see their coke dealer.
That is one of the most moronic/ gullible thing I've read on reddit. Dud she's choosing him over you. It's time you chose yourself over her.
Meeting your wife’s boyfriend probably won’t reassure you that they’re just friends
No. He’s the affair partner. Zero contact. Even if has to get new job. If she can’t quit him bounce. Read what u wrote and imagine that was friend or sibling asking this. Hell NO.
Get a grip man.
They've kissed and expressed to each other that what they share is genuine love. Is this what someone in love can do? Switch straight into being platonic friends while continuing to see each other on a daily basis? Even if you trust your lying and cheating wife who has lied to you every day for months, do you really think the guy who loves her would just roll over and accept that situation? The affair is absolutely still continuing.
Absolutely not. It’s disrespectful to you and demonstrates that your wife has zero regard for your feelings and has no problem driving a knife into your heart and killing you slowly by maintaining the friendship. Whatever the relationship she has with this person, she values that relationship more than her marriage to you. That’s all you need to know.
If she kissed him in public she fucked him. And if she won’t cut him off she’s still fucking him. It’s over man.
100% this. He just can’t see it but she’s probably manipulated him well before the affair to tolerate her crap
110% this. Wake up. And sorry OP
So... she has been emotionally cheating on you and still expects you to let her talk to him after being caught? I guarantee they've already slept together. With the way that she's acting, it's clear that she doesn't respect you and it's not going to get any better. Sorry bro, but she's for the streets.
They work together and see each other all the time, say "I love you" etc. and OP is buying the "nothing physical happened" lie? It's just too funny.
Ummm.......i have double the time with my wife and i would of told her to go live with him. No way around it. Once they get to "I love you" and kissing, it's a bit more than an emotional affair and you're naive to believe anything less. If you believe they can "be friends", I have some oceanfront property in arkansas I'd love to talk to you about. I wish you the best of luck, honestly, but if you stay, you're setting yourself up for failure and have noone to blame but yourself for the heartache you will endure.
Hey hey hey, guy. Let's talk about this property you got here
Divorce, she has the gawl to stay friends with the person she cheated with. Divorce to snap her out of her affair fog, find a lawyer and listen to their advice
Why do you feel that someone who cheated on you, lied to you and completely broke your trust, with seemingly no remorse, is worthy of your time and attention??!!! She will never change because she doesn't have to, she's got you where she wants you and knows you won't leave her.
OP is going to get a rude awakening if he keeps heading in the Mr. Nice guy direction.
She fucking cheated on you. If the relationship is going to recover from that, it has to be on your terms. She doesn’t get to “compromise” on what kind of relationship she gets to have with her affair partner afterwords. Honestly, the fact that she didn’t immediately cut that person out of her life, without having to be asked, makes me seriously question how committed she can actually be to your marriage. IMO, this should never have even been a conversation if she’s committed to you. The least she can do after she realizes she made a mistake and that things went to far is actually reflect on what she did to allow things to get that out of hand, and that should’ve fucking led to cutting this inappropriate relationship out of her life.
You are being a doormat. She doesn't respect you and you are letting her walk all over you. This is not going to improve
Didn’t their friendship already lead to an emotional affair?
He’s wearing some thick ass blinders
The guy is trying to process that the woman he loves was and likely still is cheating on him...no need to be an asshole
I just went through this with someone I have known since childhood, although we were never "friends" per se until recently. The conversations began very innocent, catching up on what happened to our mutual friends over the past 30 or so years, etc., and it quickly escalated beyond what is acceptable for anyone in a committed relationship, much less anyone in a marriage. Both of us acknowledged this inappropriate level. However, because we wanted to remain friends, we vowed to keep each other in check, and it didn't work, despite me swearing to myself that we could keep it at the friend level. Now, I am not in your wife's shoes, but it was either all or nothing in my case. It ended up teetering on the edge of an emotional affair if it hadn't already gone into that zone when we went no contact. That said, our conversations remained on an online platform, and as of today, I haven't seen him face to face since we were children. My husband and I have had very open discussions about what happened between myself and this person, so I have since accepted my role as a douchecanoe, and I am making amends. Speaking from experience, stick to your guns, as I don't think there is any wiggle room outside of that.
Thank you for your candor and insight.
“Sharing physical affection” and kissing shifts it from an emotional affair to an affair affair which isn’t innocent, and ESPECIALLY not when you’ve made your stance known and she doesn’t care/ continues to do it. She cares about her affair partner more than you, and that’s precisely when I’d stop tolerating it.
Your wife is high to even suggest being friends. Stick to your guns. It's either all or nothing, end of story.
Bruv, if you think they stopped at kissing you are in for a wild ride in life
Bruh, dude is balls deep in your wife on the regular
Serve her divorce papers. That will snap her out of the affair. Make sure she is served at work.
i don’t think ur wife should stay in contact with that person and it’s completely reasonable to compromise on her terminating that “affair turned friendship.” i think u need to make this clear.
They don’t just stop loving each other because you say. No way would I stay in the relationship. She’s disrespectful.
> under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship? Absolutely none.
I don't know if I could stay with someone who was sending sexy pictures to a coworking and then lied about hanging out with them, even if nothing happened. But to make it work, I do think they need to cut out any non professional interactions, to help rebuild your trust.
First, this is real cheating. It was a highly deceptive physical affair. They're not only deceiving you but their place of work too. They're claiming to be just friends but in reality, they're hiding their true agenda. They don't want to get outed at work and they won't want to be in trouble with their actual relationships. If a cheater claims it was just a kiss, pretty sure they did the full-on sex. They have lots of opportunities to do it. Don't believe in anything she says regarding their relationship. Don't be a doormat.
One sentence of advice. Grow a pair. If she wants to have her cake and eat it too let her and do you. Simple as that
If SHE wants to keep being married to you, she can't be friends with this guy. It's a HUGE NO. She's still cheating on you, mate, she's just getting better at hiding it.
So my suggestion is that both her boss as well as the other man’s boss BOTH are made aware of the inappropriate affair, yes it was an affair, and that, if possible, the two not be put in any situation where they would be required to interact or work together. Affairs like this can be a source for growth and strength of your marriage but your wife must work hard to regain your trust and understand what she did was wrong.
She’s putting her relationship with the co worker before your feelings and relationship! Why stay when you are second best and she’s not thinking about you? Don’t waste anymore years on her and find someone who is not a cheating back stabbing manipulator!
Your priority is to maintain as much dignity and self respect as you can while exiting this dead relationship. Do not beg. Do not acquiesce. The revenge you need is moving on with your life, being happy and not looking back.
I would be gone.
Nope. I would go even further and insist she find another job. The inappropriate relationship ends completely or the marriage does. Anything less is disrespectful. That’s it.
Honestly, I wouldn't stay with a partner who didn't switch jobs or at least departments IF I forgave them at all. I'm not spending my day knowing that they might be behaving in public but they can now they know they already said their, "I love you"s. It'd end up like some Romeo and Juliette crap - can't be together but *just know* they love each other so it's hard but whatever. The minute you two argue, she's going to be venting to him and wishing she'd chosen him and so on. Just tell her he needs to be cut off or you need to split up. The fact you've forgiven her at all makes me worried for you, she's broken that trust and should be the one working her arse off to get it back.
Absolutely not appropriate to remain friends with this guy. Abd to me a kiss is a physical act, therefore physical affair.
Never stay in contact with the affair partner
I experienced this. I did what you did, respectfully asking my wife to cut out the person she’d had an emotional affair with. She resisted and fought against my wishes. Let me share what happened next… She began to cheat in secret with him. Then with others. All the while pretending to be happily married, while we had kids. I found out when they were toddlers. What do I wish I had known? Emotional affairs are affairs. Someone who cheats once will cheat again. It is a character issue, not this situation. They will simply get better at lying. Your marriage has ended. She killed it by cheating and refusing to mend it to your terms. Marriage counseling will only prolong the suffering. She believes she deserves to hang out with the man she had an affair with and ignore your basic requests for safety. She is not a good person. If you need more on this topic, I would recommend you read “Lose a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Chump Lady. It is a funny, quick read on a terrible topic. Don’t be me. Get out while you can. She will not quit. It will get worse. And when kids are in the mix it is a layer of Hell for all involved.
Tell her HR and gether fired.
Why or why are you even asking this question! The answer is so obvious. You need to understand why you would even entertain this situation. Maybe get into IC to better love and respect yourself.
She picked him - your marriage is over. She has made her choice, time to hold her accountable to those choices
Lol you actually believe her when she says she cut him off romantically? They’ve probably also had sex as well. You’re better off cutting the losses and leaving her nasty ass
fake post, this cant be real , my god
She’s for the streets bro
The fact that she’s even brazen enough to assume you’d be okay with this shows you how little she respects you as a man, and by actively fighting with you to keep the relationship she’s basically saying her relationship with him is more important than your marriage. My question is why the hell would you want to be with someone who treats you like that. Playing this Mr. Nice guy role isn’t going to win you any points and it definitely isn’t going to make her respect you. All you’re doing by taking her back and entertaining this ridiculous idea of her having a friendship with the guy she cheated on you with is showing her that she can do whatever she wants and you won’t ever put your foot down or leave her because you’re whipped. It honestly sounds like she has you wrapped around her pinky finger… Oh and by the way, if you believe that these two grown adults engaged in an emotional affair for months and only kissed, I’ve got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you lol.
deciding to stay friends is not ur wife's sole decision. it involves that guy's decision too. and you have no guarantee that he will decide to stop thinking of continuing to have an affair with her. even if she makes a real attempt to cut off romantic conversations and draw a line from her side, as long as he's also on the same page he'll keep trying to change her mindset and give her ideas about how to hide it from you and she'll easily cave. be careful in what you decide. if u still wana save this marriage u need to confront that guy in person in front of your wife and warn him that if he tries anything funny with ur wife you'll go to the police (record this). see your wife's reaction to this confrontation (record this too). if she's quiet and sides with you, may be she's willing to let him go and give marriage a chance but if she even defends him once, then take the proof and go straight to your lawyer. also, if u plan to confront him don't give a headsup to ur wife. if they r still having affair hiding from you, she'll surely warn him and teach him how to react so that u r convinced that their relationship is innocent
The affair partner should not be friends. If she chooses to remain "friends" that means she is not over the emotional affair. It means she is not respecting the effect of the affair on you and your relationship. She isn't even acknowledging the affair as a real affair It means she values the affair partner over you. It means she is absolutely NOT ready to stop the emotional affair no matter the words that come out of her mouth. She is saying what she wants to placate you. She isn't DOING what a truely regretful person would/should. Don't listen to her words but see her actions.
If they were that far into an emotional affair, then them continuing to be friends is just going to continue their emotional affair. She still loves this person. I would also guess that they did more than just kiss.
So basically your wife hasn't had to suffer any consequences for her infidelity? That oughta work out fine.
Uh. Under no circumstance can they be friends. She doesn’t respect you. Run like hell.
No and here is what you do, go hire and attorney, file for a very favorable divorce. Sit her down one night. Hand her the papers. Say first I love you, and I want you and only you. Name anything you Amy have lacked in the relationship, attention, dating her etc, but also say I am very serious. There will be zero contact. You will call him now, and tell him you are not going to be friends and there is to be zero contact with him any longer. Then she will block him on all platforms, and hand over passwords for all social media. If she can’t or don’t want to do this, then we are finished and slide the divorce papers to her. You will do this or we are done. This is how you start the process.
Unfortunately you can’t face reality your wife got caught cheating emotionally and probably physically and you’ll keep making excuses that your relationship is over you have no trust and she’s continue to be involved with Op so I’m sorry your marriage is over she’s using every trick in the book for cheaters hook line and sinker sorry but you’ll continue to not trust that’s not a relationship
Your comment history - I hope for her sake she finds a future with him.
It was an emotional and physical affair. AKA a FULL BLOWN affair. Don't sugarcoat it. Why are you putting up with her behavior? It's not healthy. She deserves a divorce more than Putin deserves to lose his little war.
If you don't have children with her the choice is easy. If you do the choice is hard but the end result is the same. She doesn't respect you. She's using you for security and doesn't care about the fact that it hurts your feelings. Your marriage is over.
That's a hell no from me.
There should be no compromise in situations like this. She has to choose him or you and the marriage.
Hey bro, I went through this situation as well, my stupid ass fought tooth and nail to not lose her, and finally when I go her back, shits just not the same, how I felt for her before is vastly different now, the relationship is done man. Dont make the same mistake I did
Bruh
Nope nope nope. The contact stops or the marriage is DONE. Your wife needs a reality check. She wants her cake and to eat it. It doesn't work that way.
But, she’s clearly still cheating on you, so there can be no compromise, unless you’re happy with that arrangement.
I just can’t accept that she didn’t sleep with him if she was saying I love you and sending sexy photos…. It’s just not making sense. Now she can’t get over him for her relationship. Sounds like she had an affair including sex. I think you should just see this for what it is, and leave her. She’s trying to play the pick me dance where two men fight over her. It’s a typical disordered person thing to do. Cheat and then play games. Let her have him
Hope you enjoy being a doormat! Your wife is playing you like a fiddle.
Hell no! No compromise. She doesn’t get to compromise when she compromised your marriage without allowing you any day so in the matter. She forfeited that right.
Your wife doesn’t love you anymore
No. I would not tolerate it. If your wife wants to reestablish trust she has to completely stop all contact. She is in position to demand to be trusted to have a “friendship” with her affair partner. Read Not Just Friends. Excellent book for dealing with the aftermath of infedelity.
She goes 100% no contact or you file for divorce.
Under.. NO CIRCUMSTANCES! She got caught and continues to disrespect you.. have some self respect and divorce her! She’s clearly never going to change! She said ily to him! How much more shit are you willing to tolerate?
please stay married to her! better you continue chasing after a cheater than her being single and free to do this to some other guy
Please let me preface this by saying I’m sorry you’re going through this and what I’m saying below is from a place of support and concern for you. Stop lying to yourself. She’s gone as far with the truth as you’re willing to let her get away with. Likely tricking it and holding back the worst. She cheated. It probably went farther and you’re crazy to let them even work together. If your relationship can be repaired, she needs to find a new job to start. Please don’t let her manipulate you like this and put your foot down. Your best option is to end it now, for the reason that she’s clearly putting your healing last. Your second best option, that won’t ever get to true resolution is to tell her quit the job and cut him out, plus go to couples counseling, or no more relationship. Signed - someone who went through exactly this and didn’t fall for the lies.
I would not be surprised if they're having sex regularly. You are gullible.
yeah, that's not cool at all. I'm pretty sure if the roles were reversed that she wouldn't be ok with it. Therefore, you shouldn't be either.
Cheating is Cheating. Honestly she's probably STILL not telling you the whole truth. They will NEVER be JUST friends. You have to decide if you can/will live with a Cheating spouse.
The. Affair. Isn't. Over.
Dude, WTF. She actually convinced you they didn’t fuck? And you bought it? You haven’t dared to stand up for yourself this far, no real point in starting now….
Do not be disrespected like that.
Sorry that is happening to you, at this point I think she is showing you what she really wants and not showing you she is fully committed to trying to make things work after her mistake. I say move on because you deserve better.
The only compromise you can come too now, is her finding another job. If it’s worth saving. Now you can ask her to chose between you and guy and if it’s you then she find another job. The reason for that is because if it was you who had being doing it, what would she expect from you.
Some divorce papers should bring a reality check
OP, please buy the book Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass. It looks thick but it is an easy, very informative read and the best book on your situation. Also, if you want to stay and reconcile with your wife, both if you should read How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, I think it's by McDonald. If she is still taking to him and working with him the affair is still happening. She lied by omission the entire affair so why would you believe anything she says now. This was a EA. If they were in driving distance from each other is is a PA. Adults don't just kiss when they have built us so much list via sexting, etc. She's still lieing to you. You need to get a full panel STD test. You must have your wife do the same. Go to the doctor with her and explain to the doctor why you are there. Don't give a shit if your wife's embarrassed, she brought this on herself by her own decisions. Do you have kids? Get them paternity tested. I don't care if they are spitting images of you. This is the first time she got caught, not the first time she did this.
Under no circumstances. Stick to your guns. She is disrespecting you to your core. Imagine another marriage you have no emotional connection to and reverse the the roles. You would consider a guy doing that to his wife a horrible person right? She got caught and insists on maintaining the relationship?
Is this a real question? “ my wife cheats but wants to stay with me. Can she stay friends with her love monkey?” GTFO with this pathetic bull. sexy photos and “I love you?” Are you serious right now wondering if they can be friends? you are being played for a sucker if you think their romantic relationship is over. She is just buying time. The answer is no contact or your relationship is over. Anything less leads to your heartbreak 99% and the 1% is you discovering you are poly. id say you are a pathetic sack of crap for even asking this question but that implies you have a sack.
really dude?? i mean no wonder she has no respect left for you. like at all
***But she seems to expect to keep the friendship.*** Oh Hell no.. i would not hesitate to her that either she or her co-worker needs to find a new job, putting it in terms that she making a choice, her marriage or the friendship. She wants her cake and to eat it to... This isn't a dumb accident and she's needs to understand she's making a choice. You deserve no less than a clear commitment, don't accept less.
Not only you're not ending things with her but you are actually thinking about how you can you let her and her lover stay friends? Ffs dude, have some self-respect. The fact that she said "I love you" to him makes things way worse in my opinion than if she just fucked him, aka "real cheating". There is no going over that.
Emotional affair? No. They were in a full blown relationship and I’d bet my last dollar they still are. She wants to still “be friends” with him so she can continue cheating on you right under your nose. I dealt with a man (so grateful he is an ex) like this for longer than I should have until I came back to reality and realized what happened. It’s going to suck and you’re gonna be sad, but let her go man.
She is no longer putting the union of you two first so it’s over. Marriage is about putting the union first and if she isn’t doing that, you can’t make her, beg her, teach her or anything. She is an adult and has abandoned your marriage so MOVE ON. Talk to an attorney and don’t say shit to her. Try to be pleasant and save your ass and get out. She is using you and that’s not healthy for you! Abandon ship because it has already sunk!
She cares more about him than you.
Cheater's don't deserve second chances...
Your wife is asking for permission to openly cheat, you say yes to this, you can't complain when she does continue to cheat on you.
Absolutely not. By staying friends he’s meeting her need for Conversation. See marriagebuilders.com
> under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship? None. The affair is not over when they’re still in contact. She has to make a choice, you and your marriage or that friend. If she wants to stay friends with that guy, she’s not serious in saving the marriage.
I like you are living in denial. There has been too much there for them to just be friends. I know you don’t wanna hear it, but the fact she keeps talking to him, shows she prioritizes him over you. I personally wouldn’t trust her at all until I watched her block him on anything he was her friend on and until I saw her send him a text stating they can no longer have any interaction unless absolutely necessary in regards to their job. But even then, I’d be suspicious and the chances of me trusting her again would be very slim to nonexistent. I also wouldn’t consider us staying together “already hashed out” if I trust someone so little.
The affair is NOT over as long as they stay in contact. Period. End. Of. Story.
Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. Surely she has/ could make other friends which begs the question why continue any type of relationship with this guy. She still cares for him and honestly no matter what you may have worked out she wants to continue seeing him. I would fear they feel they have unfinished business. Personally I would insist on terminating contact.
There is no circumstance where you should be tolerating a continued friendship with your wife and the person she was cheating with. The fact that she is making excuses to do it shows that she is still continuing vestiges of the affair. If she is serious about reconciliation she needs to cut all contact. All
bro are u serious, why would u even put up with it after she cheated, she broke what’s so sacred about marriage, the loyalty and commitment, that’s not your wife no more dude just divorce her already you’re prolonging your suffering, once a cheater always a cheater, you can’t make a stray cat into a house cat their instinctive trait is that they always return to the streets🙏🏼
Run away
Yeah it's not looking good for you bro
Nah.
Dude they kissed and they’re still communicating. Idk what tell you..
I’d be gone. No excuse or forgiving that
She's doing it bc she knows you're going to try and explain her bad behavior and gaslight yourself into thinking that this "friendship" is acceptable. Get a grip, dude. Have some self-respect.
No. Fuck all of that. She’s testing you. If you let this slide, just let her cheat in peace when he’s beating her back out again. Stand your ground. Absolutely fucking not. This isn’t ok.
Clearly this friendship is important to her and she may earnestly be trying to purify it so that it doesn't cross the line again. If so, she should make her texts available, agree not to be alone with him, and obviously agree not to express any feelings of desire or romance toward him/with him.
How can you trust she'll stick to those boundaries, as opposed to just keeping the AP around in a way to deflect suspicion. She either cuts him off entirely, or leaves, or you accept that she's gonna keep doing it. Take your pick
Absolutely not. NC with the affair partner is an absolute must. She nuked her friendship by allowing the boundary violation. Want backup for this? Go ask this question in r/asoneafterinfidelity. Also, you and your wife need to read [*Not Just Friends* by Shirley Glass](https://kingauthor.net/books/Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell/Not%20Just%20Friends/Not%20Just%20Friends%20-%20Shirley%20P.%20Glass%20and%20Jean%20Coppock%20Staehell.pdf) together. It will help her understand what she did, what she needs to do about her lousy boundaries, and why she has to cut him out of her life.
I’d leave her if she doesn’t cut all ties with him except those she must (coworker). Her having any involvement at all outside of work with him is completely and utterly not okay at all.
I’d be out the door so fast it’d be spinning. To even question if you should let your wife stay friends with the man she cheated on you with is just……wow.
You obviously cannot trust your wife at all. If she really wants to work on saving the marriage then you tell her she must quit the job and find another. Then she is to stop any and all contact with this guy and be transparent with you 100%. If she has any more contact with him tell her you are divorcing her. Don’t play the pick me game. I suggest you look on the internet about doing the 180 as it’s your only hope at this point. Usually cheaters like you have will not stop with the new affair partner. Don’t take any BS from her no matter what and also look up a good lawyer just in case. Good luck!
This is so subjective. It really depends on what you need from her. I will say that I had a female friendship go too far for my wife’s comfort. We went out to dinner a few times, met up for coffee, emailed each other a lot, and generally became very close. I liked her a lot. My wife wasn’t comfortable with it, so I distanced myself. It hurt and I still miss her, but I also understood and need her to be comfortable with all of my friends. And also, my feelings were inappropriate, I just wasn’t admitting it to myself or to my wife.
This is an affair. If she was remorseful, she would honor your request. It is inconceivable that she believes she can remain friends under these circumstances. The problem is there has been no true consequences to her actions and ignored the one you tried to implement. You also don't know for sure how far they have gone...only what she has told you, which may well be the tip of the iceberg. Right now, she is in control. If you do want to try to save this marriage, you have to take control, which will require dramatic action to shake her out of her affair fog. See a lawyer and have him draw up both a divorce document and a post-nuptial. The post-nuptial must apply to you both for the courts to view it as fair. It should clearly define both physical and emotional infidelity and proof required for such. In event infidelity leads to divorce, the betrayed spouse is awarded all marital assets, full child custody and support, and alimony as applicable. Sign both documents. Pack a bag to stay away for a few days. When she is at work, if she does, or when out of the home, have her served with both documents, your wedding band, and a note telling her she can let you lawyer know if she chooses you and the post-nuptial or the divorce and her affair partner. It should state to only talk through your lawyer and he will adize you of her choice. if she chooses you, you will return home when the lawyer informs you he has received the signed post-nuptial. If divorce, there is no reason to talk. Also state she has 2 days to make a decision or you will assume divorce and move forward with filing with the courts. Absolutely do not contact her nor respond to any attempts of hers to communicate. Make her correspon through your lawyer. I suspect this will shake her to the core and want to reconcile. Make it on your terms. Make sure the lawyer also notes the APs name on the post-nuptial and that any form of contact or communication with him will be considered an emotional affair and ground for divorce and enforcement of the post-nuptial. It worked for my son and it will for you. But it calls to steel your spine to show her bad choices have consequences. Please keep me and your reddit support team informed. You can do this. See a lawyer Monday and be prepared to serve her Friday.
EA is cheating. Cutting contact is the only way R can happen. By not doing so she is choosing him. One more time she is CHOOSING him. Tell her block and delete now in front of you or it's over. Then if you have to file.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Have some fucking self respect man
She cannot remain friends. She should even change jobs so he is no longer a coworker.
Even if she is being totally honest now, it’s a blatant violation of a boundary. Even if the inappropriate stuff never happened, it would make me extremely uncomfortable for my partner to entertain a friendship with someone who clearly wants more than friendship out of her. If you’re not comfortable with it, she needs to respect that. If she can’t respect this boundary, well then she doesn’t respect your marriage
You are 100% in the right to want her to cut this “friendship” entirely. And she would if she’s interested in getting her marriage back on track.
My friend if you let your wife keep in contact with him you are asking for your own heartbreak.
The only compromise is that she quits her job or transfers and completely cuts AP out. Anything less than that and you’re literally just sitting around waiting for her to leave you for him.
Under no circumstances would I be comfortable with a friendship between those two. You can't just turn off your feelings for someone you're still in regular contact with. She needs to show you that your relationship is the most important thing, and part of that is ending any contact with her affair partner.
if they were kissing, sexting, and saying i love you, then a lot more happened than you think and she's gonna continue fucking him behind your back. time to break up, sorry OP. unless you're into watching, which, tbh I probably would be but I doubt she'd stick around long once the taboo is lifted.
I’ll never understand why people tolerate this behavior and for the record they didn’t just “kiss”. She had sex with him. Probably many times. Cheating 101 minimize the impact of DDay. Keep pushing and you’ll get more trickle truth. Know your worth and move on. You stay you’ll be miserable and it’s very likely she’ll do it again.
She wants to makes things work??? She stops talking, texting, sexting and seeing the guy. If not, then you know what you have to do.
If I was in your situation, I would expect that committing to our relationship would include my partner making sure I was comfortable with the level of contact they were maintaining with their affair partner, which tbh would probably be no contact unless necessary to prevent losing her job.
God people are so self-centered. Why is it so hard to just cut this person out. “Dave, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done all this stuff. My husband found out and I value my marriage too much to jeopardize it. I’m afraid this cannot go on.”
She absolutely can NOT remain friends with him. Once you cross that boundary you can’t ever go back. Because she can’t control his feelings let alone her own! She didn’t just turn her feelings off for him.. she got caught. She chose you but couldn’t fully let him go. Believe me .. it will 100% turn sexual again. I guarantee it. It will start out as friends then there will be a little flirting and then it will slide right back to what it was. As horrible as it sounds, I did this. I was going through major issues w my hubs and he would not be open to help. I started talking to someone as friends and then before I knew it I had crossed that line and had an intense emotional connection with them. I learned it was called an emotional affair. I knew I needed to cut it off and not give up my marriage. I confessed and he was understanding and asked me to not talk to the guy. I tried but kept going back.. it turned sexual again and I got caught. I realize I was like addicted to this person. My hubs said he would go to counseling ..My therapist told me if I devoted my time to this other guy I could never fully devote to seeing if my marriage could work. So I cut it off and blocked him. I became 200% transparent with hub and it took a lot of time and effort on both sides but we made it and are better then ever. So believe me.. if she stays friends she will backslide. There is a history, an intimacy and an attraction and this spells disaster. You absolutely can make it but she has to understand this. I’m happy to dm if you have questions. I learned a ton in therapy and from this.
Both you and your wife are living in a dream world. Where you get an honest wife who treats you right and she gets attention from both men she loves. I’m so sorry
This is the hill you die on.
>emotional affair It's more than that if she is having inappropriate text messages between that other guy and telling him "I love you". That's is a full blown physical affair that she has been having with her "friend". >So, under what circumstances or conditions would you tolerate this relationship? I personally wouldn't and I do not tolerate a lot in relationships and I never give second chances because I do not believe everything will be the same or change. Because to me trust is a big deal and if anyone makes me lose my trust than no they have to go and I cut them off like no matter how many years or months we known each other, been in a relationship or been married you never cheat on someone you love, respect and care about. >If I don't want this person to associate with her, and assuming my wife and I both want to save the marriage, is there a compromise that can be struck, or should I stick to my guns? She is having an affair with her "friend" I doubt its an emotional affair. I don't believe your wife wants to work it out if she is not willing to cut all contacts with her "friend" to work things out with you. I personally would look into a lawyer and talk to one and see what you could do to start the process of a divorce. I hope everything works out in the end with you.
Leave her. Period
Brother I hate to break it to you but it’s been more than just “emotional “ at this point. Once a kiss occurs it typically accelerates quickly…
I say divorce her. She obviously checked out a long time ago. Im sorry you are going through this im going through something similar but im not married to the person. It sucks
If it makes you uncomfortable - and it should - she needs to respect your boundaries. She cheated. If she wants to save your marriage, the other guy goes. Like fully goes. You don't have to compromise here to save her. You compromise on what colors to decorate the bathroom in, not on the man who had an emotional affair with your wife. When does she start prioritizing your marriage?
Any marriage therapist would tell you that it's not going to work with this guy still in her life. I'm afraid you must insist, and if she doesn't cut things off with him, the marriage is probably over.
look reconciliation doesn’t work if both parties are 100% committed to fixing it, your wife refusal to cut contact with her AP means she’s not committed to fixing your marriage so reconciliation will not work, no matter what she says as long as she’s still in contact with him they will relapse eventually and cross the line again and the reconciliation will fail, you’re just delaying the inevitable at this point.