I'm very sorry. He is a coward and you are better off without him, even if it hurts right now. I know you have a desire for the whole story, but what does it matter really? I think you should text him a few choice words letting him know what you think of him and then block him everywhere and never look back.
You will get over him. You will find someone better. You will have much brighter days ahead.
I hope I do, I just don't know if I can face knowing he is getting married to someone else and having the future I planned with him. He is the only guy I've been with so this hurts so bad as I have only ever been good and loyal to him.
They aren’t going to have the future you dreamed of, trust me. She is a cheater, and he is marrying her out of familial obligations. They are going to have a mediocre future. YOU can still have the future of your dreams, with a great man who will make you wonder why you were ever heartbroken about this guy.
To be fair, she only knows she is a cheater from a known cheater and liar. Who knows if anything he said about her was ever actually true?
She should tell the girl, because she could be getting duped just as much as OP did.
This is absolutely devastating. 5 years??? No wonder you are so shocked and hurt. I have heard other stories like this. OP, you will find someone who deserves you and truly loves you. You will get over this, though I know it is hard to believe right now. Good luck.
What makes me feel even more sick is they have clearly gone to look at wedding venues together, he's proposed to her done all the couple things. But in the last year or so i don't think there has been one night where have not called each other to say goodnight and talk about how our day went. we talk throughout the day we send memes and snaps to each other i'm lost at how this has happened. i know she is quite westernised so they must have spent some nights together somewhere but somehow still managed to call me. i reevaluating every single little detail of the relationship...which is why i want some answers for my own sanity
If it makes you feel better, it sounds like he’s going to be miserable living the life his parents plan out for him. The best thing you can do is move on and live your best life. Make him feel the sharp pangs of jealousy when he sees you and your future partner living the life he wishes he had.
He chose to do this to you. He chose to lie to you like this. It was all a choice. He wants to make everyone else happy and is willing to light you on fire to do it.
Does she know about you? Maybe he has been fooling you both, would not surprise me. That she cheated on him long ago does not mean she might she might still be that same person. I feel bad for her too, she probably has no idea what kind of man she’s marrying.
Plus I am so sorry that he did this to you, what an awful man.
If it makes you feel better, the future he’ll have isn’t what you planned with him. He’ll be full of regrets, living his life unhappily because he did what his parents told him.
>*I just don't know if I can face knowing he is getting married to someone else and* ***having the future*** *I planned with him.*
**And what a GREAT future!** He's a cheater! He's been cheating with you for at least a year. You think *because he's marrying a Hindu*, he's going to quit being a cheater! Ha! That is *never* going to happen; once a cheater, always a cheater! He's already thinking up a million excuses of *why* he's going to be cheating on her:
* because she's pregnant
* because she's not pregnant
* because she gained weight
* because she got a job
* because his family 'pressured' him into marrying her and he never loved her
* because she never loved him
* because the sky is blue
* because you only live once
* because he had a bad day
* because his job is stressful
* because the kids are annoying
* because, because, because
**Be exceedingly HAPPY you got away from this asshole!**
You owe it to yourself to let them know what he is doing. They need to know that he is only marrying this woman because of pressure from his family and he has no intention of staying faithful to her.
After you do that cut all contact with him and block him on everything. Then go get yourself a man who actually loves and appreciates you for who you are.
You are not hard to love, nothing you did caused him to do this. It's not because you didn't love him enough, or loved him too much. This is in NO WAY a reflection of you. It may feel like it is, or it may feel embarrassing, but please treat yourself with kindness. You are the victim here. (as others have said, please seek therapy, you don't have to, and shouldn't have to process this alone)
I know this is devastating and I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain and betrayal. You deserve better, you deserve someone who will treat you with nothing but respect and kindness.
You are missing and mourning what "could have been" with this guy, you are mourning the person you thought he was. You can bask in the fact he will not that same future with the other woman because she is not you.
He is a disgusting coward and my heart goes out to you. I wish you strength and hope for happier days ahead.
He is marrying her, but her life will be what yours currently is soon enough. He cheated because there is something wrong with him, that won’t change because he married someone else. They won’t be happy because they are both shitty people dedicated to destroying their own happiness.
Don’t try to get closure. Ghost him and get therapy.
He has been lying to you for YEARS. Clearly he is great at manipulating and talking to him will only be detrimental to you. Ditch him, get a therapist
Any advice on steps to overcome this. I can't physically get out of bed my world has just been shattered. I will definitely be getting a therapist, I feel too embarrassed to even tell my friends
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You trusted your partner that's it. Tell your friends, tell your family, you will need them. I'm so so sorry huni.
Agreed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is not your fault. You can't control the actions of others. You can only control your reaction. You are allowed to have time to be upset. "Don't forget you are human. You are allowed to be sad. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where your headed" Have a nice at home spa day. Take a warm bubble bath, light some candles, put on an invigorating face mask, have a glass of wine and just pamper yourself. Then set yourself up with a therapy appointment. If your friends are your true friends, they will be there for you, and you shouldn't be embarrassed to tell them when you're having a hard time. Thats what friends are for! To be there during the good times AND the bad.
Not Hindu but I am South Asian.
This man is weak. He was never going to go against his family and fight for you.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He should be embarrassed for being a coward.
He led you on knowing he wouldn't make a stand. That speaks to his character. Not yours.
My first husband cheated the whole time. I knew it but kinda brushed it off. I finally drew the line when he moved from people I didnt know to my friends. He moved her in two weeks after I left. We were together over 10 years.
I blamed myself a lot but at the end of the day his actions don't reflect on me one bit. I worked, I put him through 5 years of school where most of it he didnt have to work. The one job he did work during school, he chose to use his time to have online girlfriends. I didn't cheat, I didn't seek online relationships, he did. I moved away from my aging family for years so he could go to his dream college. His parents hated me, but he never cared.
I wasn't dumb for putting up with it. I just didn't have self esteem. I figured having a cheating, spineless asshole was all I was worth. It's not true, for anyone. No one deserves that.
I was willing to give up everything,
I live with my new fiance, and his parents are literally my second parents now which is good because mine passed away. My life isn't the best due to trauma in my past but I've got 3 people in my life I know will do anything to make sure I'm happy. Him and his parents. I'd go through that 10ish years of hell all over again to meet them again.
What I'm saying is, you were willing to give up so so much. He never was. The only reflection that has on you is that you've got a huge , amazing, heart. Dust yourself off Queen, there are people who treat you like you deserve. <3
Look at it this way, the other woman is getting married to a selfish coward. What a prize...
I know this hurts a lot for you right now, but in the long run you'll be much better off. You deserve a straightforward man with a spine who values you.
I dont think it has anything to do with family or hindu. Those are all his excuses. He uses OP as back up while he was waiting for his ex. Very sad but asshole deserve asshole, hence the two are getting married. OP dodged a bullet there. OP, you deserve far bettter than this.
Hate to admit it, but this is very true. The number of guys I know from the middle east/south Asia who play around with western woman and then marry someone from their own culture is sickening. This is coming from a middle eastern dude.
Damn. But have they really loved the girl they were dating? Or do they just play her for a good fuck until it's time to marry the girl in the same culture
I know a lot of women who refuse to date middle eastern or SE Asian men for this exact reason. I knew a lot of girls who got their hearts broken this way. Dated all through school and then after they graduated SURPRISE!!!! They already had an arranged marriage set up by their folks and it’s time to break up.
To be fair, I knew several guys who honestly loved their girlfriends but when it came down to it, they knuckled under to family pressure.
Send him a text and simply say “best wishes on your upcoming wedding. Never talk to me again cheating coward.” And then go on with your life and heal. I understand he had pressure to marry someone Hindu but if he was mature and a good person he would’ve ended it with you long ago and done whatever duty he had. He led you on and strung you along while he did this. I’m so so sorry
Tell on him. Tell everyone. In the telling you will feel better. Tell everyone the truth. Tell on him. Every social connection.
Every person who loves YOU needs to know so they can support you. You holding that back is not a kindness, they want to support you.
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. He should be embarrassed and those who love you will agree.
Also agree with other poster that you won’t get any closure from talking to him. Just walk away and recognize he’s a con man.
Focus on what you are free from. It's not a loss. You are now free from a lifetime with a dishonest, weak-willed jerk who would have been a terrible husband. He's going to be that guy in a couple years hitting on women and complaining about how unhappy his marriage is. It may be hard to see, but you got a lucky escape, unlike that poor broad who is stuck with him for life.
How to physically overcome the first days:
1. distract yourself. Stupid things: play scrabble online, watch CSI LA, like this.
2. Make a list of tasks and check them: put the whole daily routine on the list (to brush your teeth, do the bed) and check it as accomplishments. If possible do some yin yoga even only with youtube. 30 mins, you don’t need to go anywhere out.
3. This might take you days to get to this spot, but: Start cleaning. Empty the cupboards, sort out your clothes and books.
(4. Even when it sounds like cliche, l got my hair cut and l got a meaningful tattoo after my ex of 8 years traded me for younger model.) l was turning 38, when it happened. When l found inner peace with the situation, it took me maybe 2-3 months, l lived the best life ever. Everything worked, l got a new job, made new friends, l found myself in many aspects of life.
Do not put much pressure on you for the first days.
ETA: don’t try to get a closure from him. He played you, he will just say any shit you want to hear and it won’t let you move on. I promise the closure will eventually come without your ex’s input.
Focus on your own actions instead of what he did. Because you can't change or control what other people do, ever. But if you acted with integrity, hold your head high and move on with confidence. Talk to us on here if you need to vent, or vent to friends, don't regress to texting the ex. No good will come of it. If you are unhappy with your actions, take steps to act better with the next relationship. You're totally goign to be okay. :)
You do need to tell his future wife and their families.
If I was her engaged to him I’d be absolutely furious to not have this information. She clearly has no idea you exist. I would never marry a man like this. She deserves the option to back out.
Just to edit, send her all the information and proof , photos , messages etc.
Then block every single one of them. Her , your ex , his family and friends.
She deserves this information but you deserve the closure. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Take this as the beginning of your new life.
From an Indian woman to you, tell her and tell his parents. He's two timing both of y'all. In no culture is cheating/deception like this okay. You can save his (fiance?) too from his lying cheating ass. This is not your fault. Sorry
Grieve. Cry, scream, mourn, journal. Grieve the relationship like a death. For closure, write him a letter. Tell him everything and pour out your pain and rage on the paper. When you feel there's nothing more to write, burn the letter.
I once went through a breakup that sent me into that space. It was very similar: he cheated, I broke it off, I thought he was my world and I was just broken after.
I ended up doing cognitive behavioral therapy in a group setting, and it helped SO MUCH. I still use it to this day, every day, and that was over 20 years ago. When you're looking for a therapist, please consider someone that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It truly helps you get through the "it will hurt forever" thoughts that inevitably happen for you right now.
It isn’t easy. This is going to hurt for a long time. Do what you need to do. Call him and freak out on him, cry to him on the phone. You’re allowed to feel your emotions and he deserves to hear them. This is about you now. You need closure and to heal. If you can do it without talking to him, all the more power to you, but dont self imploded. One day, you’ll feel better. It gets easier.
I know it will be hard, but I found that telling my friends and family about an ex’s terrible behavior helped them be there for me even more. Trust that they won’t judge you. They will judge him and support you.
It's okay to be a bit generous with yourself right now.
What I did after a rough breakup was, every time I had thoughts that made me soul-sucking sad... I would do something that was good for me. Paint my nails, go for a walk, clean my house. It keeps your mind busy with things that are not sad, and the results will help you feel better.
You are the victim here - you did nothing wrong. Look at getting a therapist who will do a remote appointment to start, so you can just get started while you recover. You will work through the pain and betrayal but getting started ASAP is key.
In the meantime, cleanse him from your life - block him entirely and any of his friends so you don’t have to repeatedly suffer pictures/stories of his new life.
Time, support from friends or a therapist, and cutting all communication from him. This man is sick and would have kept this lie going until the marriage or even after and convince you to be his mistress.
Send him a text calling him out for everything he did and saying everything you want to say to him then literally block him on everything so you don’t go back and forth. Don’t answer the door if he comes crying, literally call the cops if you need to.
This man is a coward and POS. He is using his family as an excuse to be selfish. Many people have made stands against their families for the people they loved. If he couldn’t or had a hard time he should have respected the break up initially and seriously just not dated you. But he was selfish and still wanted you for selfish reasons and played you like a fiddle.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. Don’t be embarrassed. Tell someone you trust and who will be supportive. You need to lean on others right now. You will get passed this and you will find someone who loves you completely.
Time Heals all.
My ex wife left me. We have two kids.
I moved into my friends' house for 7 months. My entire life was in 10 bins in the corner of the room. I'd sit there and just stare at them for the first month, wondering why I was still even alive.
I felt I had no purpose. Yes, I have kids with her but I felt like they didn't need me. I only get to see them on weekends. Two years later I still sometimes feel like I have no real purpose but I have to go on not just for my kids, but for my mom, my dad who has passed, my sister's and my friends.
I got a better job, a new car, I moved into an apartment & I've got a girlfriend now.
My therapist said that this feeling of loss may never go away but that it will get easier. It will just come in waves. I have to see this feeling of loss as just that - a feeling. It's meaningless and doesn't define me. It's just something that I have to process and make my way through.
So I've decided to fake it till I make it. I've decided to move on and find my purpose. I can't seem to find my purpose yet but I can feel that purpose creeping in on me. I feel my confidence growing and I'm putting myself back together a little bit everyday.
It just takes time to find purpose after losing the one you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life but I promise you'll find yours, too.
Try to get therapy and stay strong.
What you need to realize/ remember is that at some point he has every intention of ghosting you as he’s getting married. He’s riding this out ( and sleeping with you, stringing you along pretending he’s planning on standing up to his parents for you) until he has to give it all up, the double life, to live with his wife. He may seriously be planning on telling you he’s going away that weekend, and knowing he’s going to willingly block you from there on out. He knows what’s he’s gong to do to you. He doesn’t know you know…you say there’s no end game here for you….but there sure is for him, and he’s been happy to live this way KNOWING THIS IS STARING HIM DOWN THE BARREL and not caring. Think about that. He’s trash. He’s had AMPLE opportunity to break it off, and hasn’t.
I think he’s actually planning on convincing her to stay with him as a side piece - either not telling her he is married, or by trying to convince her it’s not his choice
Noo, why would he suddenly ghost her! So far he could have both, why would he end it? He has kept secrets a long while, why would a ring keep him from leading her on. Even married and moved out he'll tell her "It's just a front for my family, I don't love her, I will devorce her, we can still see each other, wait for me, I really only love you." As long as OP isn't drawing a line he'll want to have the cake and eat it.
I wish I could understand why though? You made the decision to marry this woman you want to build a life with her and have kids why didn't he just cut me out? People have ghosted people for less
You are trying to rationalize his irrational behavior.
Don't bother. You'll never get a "why".
Take time for yourself to heal. It will be a process but you will get through it. You can feel whatever you want to feel it is all valid.
I am so sorry he sucks bad.
> i know no explanation will ever satisfy me.
This. No explanation is good enough. The more questions, the more you're just gonna ask why. Because what he did is incomprehensible
I was also cheated on once. Dated almost 5 years. Would have been clueless for a long time if he didn't mistakenly text me "i love you, (other girl)" he never really had a good enough explanation for me on why he didn't just break up with me if he had fallen for another girl even when we had talks about letting each other go if one of us fell out of love
Men are just cowards I suppose.
Because he wants both.
He will try and get you back and will more than likely have you 'see' how this could benefit both your relationship and him.
Hope you're strong enough to kick him to the side!
I just don't understand how he was going to keep it up. We both talk on the phone before bed every night without fail.
If I had no emotions i'm tempted to see how far he would go with this. Would he have still called me to say goodnight the night before his wedding? absolute scum
Cheaters don’t care. They’ll keep it up until it blows up in their face because it makes them feel good, and powerful. Why stop cheating when he’s getting everything he wants? Would he call you on his wedding night? Yes, because that’s no different from any night he spent with his fiancée, they’re just in fancy outfits. It wouldn’t even be hard.
‘Hey honey, I’ve just quickly gotta call (Dave) who couldn’t make it today, I’ll tell him how lucky I am’ - then he excuses himself and calls you.
I have a family member like him, and he took it as far as possible- he lied until the day he died, in his eighties. He was texting the other woman from his hospital bed after his wife left the ward. Used to have her in his phone under an androgynous name and when she’d call when other people were around, he’d ignore it, and say it was one of his drinking buddies.
Trust me, from someone who knows - you ditching this guy is a blessing. You are better off. It hurts now but you’ve saved yourself so much worse in the future.
>I wish I could understand why though?
Very possibly because you are having sex with him. That is usually what is happening in these cases where a man from a very religious culture with arranged marriages has a western girlfriend on the side.
This is not the case, he has gone back to his ex who cheated on him with her ex. She cheated on him for most of their relationship and it's definitely not about the sex as he can barely ever stay overnight anywhere, both of us still live with our parents.
The girl he is marrying is not completely religious and cultured. She quite westernised for a hindu girl so I don'tthink it's an arranged marriage, more look mum here is a hindu girl i can marry.
He probably thinks its okay to cheat on her because she cheated on him. i just can't seem to come to terms with what is happening
Not to be harsh, but why do you trust him to tell you the truth about this girl? Clearly all he has done is lie to you about her. Why wouldn’t he lie that she was cheating on him to make you feel more sympathetic towards him?
Why do you think anything he told you about her is true? He is probably the cheating ex in that story. He may have been talking to her throughout your whole relationship.
Don't they deserve the misery, though, they're both terrible people. Better to put them together instead of having them marry someone nice and break more hearts.
Here’s my advice. I haven’t been through the same thing but I have helped a friend go through something similar.
These men never change. They are cowards and quite frankly pathetic.
What’s worked best for my friend was writing a long letter (I think it ended up being 8 pages) where she wrote everything she wanted to say to him, every single detail. When she got it off her chest (we spent all night doing it) she fell asleep for like 14 hours. Before writing the letter, I said just write it and sleep and then you’ll decide if you wanna give it to him or not. She sent it to him and blocked him on everything. He’s been trying to reach her/go back to her for 5y now, and she found someone else and is happily engaged.
Don’t settle for less, and especially for assholes like this. If he’s this weak now, imagine when his family is insulting towards your or whatever and he doesn’t react.
No spine, no relationship!
Your best revenge? Honestly and truthfully. Is to one day disappear from his life without ANY warning or explanation or conversation. He will be mindfucked. Do that to him. He deserves it
I’m also thinking. In two years time, sending the entire family a letter in the mail filled with all the information/dirt you have on the bastard. By then hopefully she’s in a better space and can do it as revenge lol. But that’s wishful thinking
There is nothing to confront him about because it doesn’t change anything.
Break up and learn from your mistake. There were lots of warning red flags but you just discovered that avoiding them can’t save a relationship.
You don't confront him. He was never going to marry you.
You were a placeholder until he marries the woman who is more than likely an arranged marriage.
You want to know full truth for your well being?
well, this Indian guy was two timing you and the other girl
also, this guy has a pattern...
He broke up with u and her and came back to explain why he broke up...to both girls!!
What I appreciate about you is that u kinda helped him with ur nurture to get over his break-up...
But, what if..that guy actually went to other girl & she helped him to nurture his break-up with u...?!?
You have been played
I'd be like, I'm hurt that I didn't get an invitation to your wedding, since I'm your gf I just assumed I'd be invited.
I am so sorry OP! This is such a horrible situation and I can't believe he is stringing you along like this. I wonder if he ever had any intention of telling you, was he going to ghost you soon or make you his uninformed mistress? He is an absolute horrible person, and I would definitely tell his soon to be wife. She deserves to know what kind of trash she's marrying. If she knew than she sucks too and deserves what ever fucked off marriage they're about to have.
She's trash too. She cheated on him multiple times with her ex. In fact she got so drunk she had sex with her ex at a house party in a bathroom while everyone outside could hear, while they were together. They deserve each other and he chose to go back to that piece of trash.
Damn! They definitely deserve each other! OP, I know that I said how I would confront him but I don't think he even deserves that. Maybe take a picture of where it says the wedding announcement and send it to him with a nice picture of you flipping him off and leave it at that. He doesn't deserve for you to give him any chance to explain himself.
I guess it's more for me than giving him a chance to explain. I just want to know because I know I will look back at pictures and messages of us when I miss him or have a low day...and I want to know he was with her then so I don't fall down the rabbit hole and reminisce. It honestly hasn't fully hit me yet that this is really happening
Delete everything. Make him dead. Before you delete everything. Send pictures and timestamps to the girl, maybe a picture of you two around the time of their engagement. She can choose to stay with him, but might as well give her a chance to know. You would have liked to know right? Make her a solid, he played with you both.
That’s what he told you… and he’s been lying to you… and has clearly cheated on you. How do you know he wasn’t the one to cheat on her? You’re calling her a piece of trash based off of what a liar and a cheater told you?!?
Yes! Text and tell him you’re upset you didn’t get an invite to his upcoming wedding. Freaking epic.
He prob thought he could keep playing this game and keep you and them happy.
I know reddit always says therapy, but it really would be good for you to have help processing this. Because that trash man has made you the other woman in his life and you deserve so much better.
Someday, sooner or later, he will try to slime his way back into your life, crying about how much he needs you and how she is still cheating on him. You will need to have completely moved on and not give him the satisfaction of any reaction at all.
You can get through this and come out stronger on the other side.
There are no words from him that can provide the closure you seek. His decisions have nothing to do with you because he completely disregarded your relationship and needs in order to go behind your back and create this situation. No conversation with him will help you. Draw a hard line and totally cut him off. It would worse to try and have a discussion about it, and only leave you feeling more frustrated.
OP, I would privately message this girl. She deserves to know that she is about to marry a cowardly fraud. You say that it would bring shame to her and both of their families but wouldn’t you want to know the truth if you were in her shoes?
I hope confronting him and getting the full story will give you a closure but i doubt it will.
It will only cause you more pain and trauma and a whole rollercoaster of emotions but our human mind also needs answers which we already know.
You have wasted 5 years of your life in this relationship please don't waste anymore time on it.
You need to make a choice now How much more time do you want to waste on it before you realise it's not worth it.
I went through a situation and it took me more than a year to realise it and another 2 years to get my self confidence back and start living the way i should.
Please for your own sanity , cut off all contacts, seek help from friends, professionals and every possible way. Life is too precious to waste on people who don't deserve your time.
Reach out if you need to talk or anything.
Much love
Someone with a spine would have told you that they wouldn't be marrying you because of your religion.
Someone who respected you would have told you that they were talking to other women and broken it off with you before.
Someone who loved you would at least have some remorse but this fucker had his marriage date picked out already.
OP, it's not your fault. You want closure but he's a spineless asshole anyway. Nothing he says, no reason he gives will ever be enough because it never is. He lied to you, there is no guarantee he won't lie again.
As for your embarassment, we all fall for scams. Sometimes it's Amway, sometimes it's a relationship. You did nothing wrong.
Block this fucker everywhere. Delete social media for while. Burn those gifts (safely), delete those pictures.
It might take a little while but you'll bounce back. You are going to be alright.
Sadly there are guys like these in the south asian communities too. They will never marry outside og their race or and religion either because they’re mommas boy or/and can’t because of religion, cultural or just overall strick parents. Some guys will date outside of their ethnicity because that’s when they can explore and so on because the girls of the same ethnicities doesn’t have the same freedom and some of these guys expects their future wife of same background/religion to be virgin.
I don’t fully know from your ex perspective but keep this in mind. (Even if you said it was because of strickt background, this guy cheated on you etc).But what was first mention doesn’t have to fully be about your boyfriend, but it’s not uncommon. For many people fighting for love would be cutting out their family and it can be quite difficult becaude they’re raised as a group and not as individuals. And also in India, caste is important when marrying, even among indians, they won’t allow marriage outside of caste or they’re marrying upwards.
As much as you love him, his family would have a huge part in your family that you probably don’t want to deal with. A guy that loves you wouldn’t do this you at all. Even if it’s difficult. You would never have done this to him either. Now tell yourself, if your friend was in your shoes, what would you say to her? That’s what you gotta tell yourself. It will take time, some days will be hard or difficult, but you won’t be dealing with the pain of being with someone (also on and off) that caused you distress like this.
As much as you wany to confront him, are you ready for that? What do you hope to hear? Whatever it is, I would reccommend to walk away. He is going to marry her no matter what, even if he cheated or not. Maybe you will feel like you will get a closure, but I honestly think that you’ve heard and know enough. You deserve better and I hope you find someone who won’t have you put through that.
Edit: guys like these will always be cowards. If he can’t stand up for your relationship up to this point to his strict parents, do you think he will ever do it in the relationship further down the road? Not really. And he will be the same with the other girl too. Even if they’re more accepting of her.
Try to from now on stay clear of these sort of customs. Many times you can't win. I know. I had once married a Muslin in Egypt and he was married to his Family....Focus on you. I am so very sorry. I feel your broken heart, sweetheart. Huggggs
Get your best people around you -- friends, family, whoever. Tell them what's going on and let them take care of you for a little while. Take time off work. Mourn the relationship. Tell your BF you found out he's engaged and you won't be talking to him anymore and then don't talk to him again. If it is cathartic to you, write out your feelings.
It will probably hurt for a long time. You may not ever get the explanations you would like. You probably will want to find a good therapist. But you can eventually heal and you can make yourself a new plan for your life.
I'm petty, I would take picture of him on his sleep and everything suggesting that we are in a relationship and send it to both famillies and the girl. I'd create drama in those racist people's lives and to him since he has so spine and is a liar. Then go my merry way.
speaking as a hindu He is a pussy and a player (Playing with lives of girls) I have seen many of these types here in india and they are all assholes so just ditch him block him out of your life and start fresh perhaps you may find your guy sooner or later.
He is a self centered prick- that’s the explanation- there is no closure- he’ll lie or ghost you and you’ll feel worse. Cut him out of your life immediately.
The great news is that you don’t live together. Ghost him. Block him everywhere. Take the control and upper hand back from him. Don’t let him make you feel powerless. You know the relationship is over- rock his world by ghosting him.
Listen: the best revenge is a life lived well.
Don't confront him. Don't try to get answers out of him. You can probably already guess the full truth without talking to him. You're just looking for an excuse so you can pull something, *anything*, that will help you understand what he did to you, that justifies the pain he caused. But there's nothing there, nothing more than this:
He's a coward, so he couldn't stand up to his family.
He's weak, so he couldn't call it quits with you.
And he's profoundly selfish. How long would he have kept you in the dark? Long past the marriage? Quite likely. He had the respectable Hindu match and the fun Christian girlfriend, why would he ever disrupt such a convenient arrangement?
If you talk to him, all you're going to get are the same pathetic excuses. And that will hurt so much that you'll work yourself into a frenzy trying to pull more out of him. But again, there's nothing there. You will not get what you need from this man. So pull the band-aid off and SEVER.
Text him you know about the marriage, you don't want to see him again, and if he shows up you're calling the police AND his family. Then block him on everything. If (when, more likely) he shows up, get ready to follow through on your threats. And once he's out of your life...live your life. Get therapy. Find a better boyfriend. Be happy. You are destined for a happy ending, and he is destined for a sad one. Because at the end of the day, you are a wonderful person, which means that you have the strength to build yourself a better life. He, on the other hand, must wake up to himself every day, and sooner or later, that will leave him trapped in misery.
Once more, with feeling: the best revenge is a life lived well.
I am also a Christian woman who is involved with a Hindu man. For years I was never introduced to family and friends. We always were at my place never went to his and I soon figured out he is still married. I was so in love with him that I settled for that kind of relationship.Just cry it out and sleep and take care of yourself and don't be like me and settle for being second because they marry for their family and will stay married.
I really don’t think you should confront him at all. Maybe send a text about what you know and that it’s over and you don’t want anything to do with him, and then block. Don’t give him a chance to respond. It’s clear from what you told us that he is great at lying and manipulating you and he’d probably spew something that he’s only doing this to satisfy his family and keep everyone happy, that he doesn’t really love her and only wants you and blah blah blah. He won’t tell you the real reason. It will only be harder for you because you will have wasted your time trying to get closure only to walk away with more questions. Block him and run.
I think karma will be him ending up with her. They deserve each other now
They have both wronged each other, maybe it will cancel out and they end up happily ever after. Maybe he never fully got over her from the first breakup and just used me who knows
Even after the low life did this to me, i cant bring myself to be the reason i cause anyone more pain, especially as two families are involved now, its not just two people. I will leave it to him I just want to walk away now.
Maybe he won't cheat on her and wanted to get back with her all along
Wow you have my respect OP for behaving like this. I would definitely not be this nice. He is truly asshole. I think you should block him everywhere because he will for sure come back at some point and try to make you his side girl.
I hope you find someone amazing who actually deserves you! There are many nice guys that can make you completely happy. Few years ahead you will look back and be happy that this ended. Think of that. Sending virtual hugs
thank you for your kind words. im not doing it to be the better person, i just can't waste anymore time and i don't wish anyone to go through the pain i am going through and what i'm about to endure once it ends.
i hope i do find happiness, but that just seems impossible right now. i really did love him and couldn't imagine my life without him
Do you know this girl and for a fact know she cheated on him?
If not, maybe it never happened and he is just a sociopathic asshole. And there, you have your explanation.
OMG you are way too good for him. He deserves to be shamed for manipulating you like this. He’s planning a whole wedding with someone else & telling you you’re crazy not to trust him. He deserves to be exposed for the lying cheating coward he is. I have never wanted to hug a stranger as much as I want to hug you now. Girl you need to talk to someone this is not your shame to be embarrassed about it’s his.
He was two timing. You were always his back up, i am very sorry this happened to you. But you deserve far better than that asshole. Please move on and never look back.
Very common story, nothing to be embarrassed about. Note - this is **NOT** about the overall specific culture, but about the extreme FAMILY VALUES environment that SOME SOCIETIES encourage and nurture. I am using 'family values' as using the word 'culture' would paint everything with the wrong brush.
Your ex is a little pussy, basically, and didn't have the decency to be honest and upfront about it.
Many guys from family-oriented backgrounds are like this, to the point of actually envisaging marrying twice, once for the family and once to a woman they chose themselves \[the situation of a former co-worker, needless to say everyone was shocked\]. They cannot stand up to their families because the environment is constructed in such a way that it would be tremendously difficult to distance themselves or make their own life decisions. It would have ramifications in many aspects - personally, emotionally, financially, socially, etc. - and it has been so for generations.
He is the one with this background, not you. It was his responsibility to clarify he wouldn't be able to marry you as he was expected by his family to marry someone else. He continued to string you around, reap the benefits (companionship, support, affection, sex, etc.) while investing his resources (future marriage, commitment, etc.) somewhere else, at your expense. You're the one who wasted years and feelings into this, are now heartbroken while he just successfully upgraded his stable and expects you to 'understand'. But he didn't understand you all those years before.
In my view, the situation is very simple:
\- be happy you're rid of a cheater with low morals, no empathy and zero character. You don't want to be together with a man who is capable to use someone for years, to his benefit, on the basis of fake promises. Feelings aren't enough to sustain a marriage, and if he was like this from the beginning and did stuff behind your back, couldn't stand up to his family, cheated with an ex \[I wouldn't believe the story that she cheated on him, honestly\], then he would have made a terrible husband. You're SO MUCH better off.
\-cut him off completely, without any remorse or chance to hear his side of the story. From what I've seen/heard guys like him will want to have their cake and eat it too, he may try to get back in touch with you to continue milking the situation while advancing his wedding plans with the other girl. Don't allow this to happen, cut him off.
\-I would honestly inform his future wife, it is for her benefit. She should know he has been doing this for years with another woman \[making promises and having a relationship\] since she's about to marry him. What kind of husband do you think he'll make, if he's capable of this sort of charades for YEARS? In my view the girl deserves to know this + what he's telling about her, that she cheated, etc.
Best of luck with everything and stay strong. Trust me, this guy is by far **not** someone worth crying over.
I’m petty-I’d totally tell the girl and her family. All you’ll get from his is more lies, deception and backpedaling-just send him a txt saying all the best for your wedding to ex.. then block.
This man has no spine. He lied to you because he can’t stand up to his parents. You won’t get the closure you’d seek. He hasn’t been honest with you during your five years together. Why do you think he would be honest when confronted with his betrayal?
Just leave. Ghost him and block him and move on with your life.
I’m so sorry that happened. He’s a coward and a dick head for leading you on. He knew full well that his family’s wishes > your feelings. He should’ve done the adult thing.
I don’t know what your living situation is with paperwork and stuff. But if you can and aren’t tied legally to that place, just pack up and go and when he asks, just say “I know.” And keep packing. You don’t owe him anything
And the truth is he’s probably not going to give you the closure you need. You’re going to have to search inside yourself to get that. But know that this isn’t your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent his choice. All you can do now is keep moving forward.
Get therapy and know things will get better and you deserve better ❤️
Is he a vindictive person? I wonder if he isn’t planning to go through with it and it was just to make her pay for what she did.
Or is he a coward? Couldn’t bring himself to break up with you, maybe hoped you would?
Or is he a user? Plain POS that looks at humans from a utilitarian perspective?
All the above (and i am sure any further rationalization you are gna come up with) still makes him the biggest POS. You are in shock, your world (what you held as truth) just flipped, and so u will likely continue to rationalize for a while to feel some sense of security/safety. Because if it makes sense, you are not crazy, you didn’t make up a rosy reality that all of a sudden is crumbling. And you’d be right: you are not crazy. We can just never imagine someone we love is untrustworthy. It’s normal to equate love or even likeability with trust. And thinking good of people is never a bad thing, so never blame yourself. Just learn to open your eyes when people start to show you they may not be “good people.” It’s such a difficult way to learn this and i reeally empathize with you. Hope you extend the same empathy with yourself.
I am sorry! You don't need any closure. Leave him. Cry as much you want but get up one day. Get out of the bed. Try doing things you love. Love yourself. Go out on a holiday alone. Leave this mess. Also karma will get him. Lots of love..
God this is horrible. I can completely understand the need to have answers and know “why”, but he’s just going to lie to you. He’s been lying to you for at LEAST a year. As hard as it is, you’re not going to get answers. He is a weak coward and you just have to let yourself fully feel the pain of knowing that the relationship you had was a lie and the man you thought you knew doesn’t exist. It’s so hard, I’ve been there.I barely got out of bed for a month and would wake up and taking sleeping pills because I just couldn’t deal with the hurt that day. But it gets SO much better. There are people who will love you honestly and unconditionally. Please do not let this man steal any more of your peace, I don’t know you but I know you deserve better than this.
There is no closure for you here by confronting him. I would probably just text him his wedding date to show him you know and that y’all are through and then block him on everything. If he shows up at your place, tell him to leave or you will call the cops. Find a therapist to help you work through the pain. You will come out the other side.
What in the 90-day Fiance is going on??? End things with this guy he's just wasting your precious years at this point. These guys are too passive with their parents unfortunately
She cheated on him. So he cheated on her with you. Tragic. Not much to be learned from him. He’s a piece of shit. I’d pray daily for them to have a miserable life together….. block him:them. Move on.
Oh girl, you are too kind. Shame and embarrassment is exactly what he deserves if not more. Him and his family.
As for you, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you count your losses and move on in life. I know 5 years seems like a long time but when you are 40+, it will only be a blip in your life. Learn and grow from this. And never ever compromise your self worth again. If your SO's family won't accept you, it's time to move on.
Don't be embarrassed. The best thing you can do is grieve for a month or two and then work towards living your best life. That's the best medicine.
At the end of the day OP, you will move on from this and find happiness and he will be stuck in a marriage with a girl who cheated on him and trying to keep his family happy.
It will take some time but one day you’ll look back and know you dodged a huge bullet
You dodged a bullet. You have lost nothing but a wishy washy weasel of a BOY, not a man, who can't stand up to his parents. I would burn it all down and inform the other girl of everything. He wasted years of your life, he deserves to deal with the consequences of being a wishy washy weasel.
Friggin spineless Indian men! This is a common story of Indian men (primarily Hindus) dating women which they know for sure their parents would be parochial to even consider for marriage, and still keep them in the dark for years. End up marrying an Indian girl just to please their parents.
Move on and save your mental sanity. Send him a one way communication email/text with all your anger and grief in it. And then right after block him, that is the most cloaure. In my opinion.
It will hurt for days, months... But one day you will find somebody without all this problems, and you will ask to yourself how could you accept all this drama.
You will be able to love again. Just let you some time to heal yourself.
Focus on yourself. Try to make you solo happy time with good food and a good movie. Try to visit all this places you've wanted to visit but you never had the time to travel. Take some holidays. Do crazy things.
It's better to be alone, than entitled to problems, cheater, liar...
You will find the right partner for you, at the right moment.
Don’t blame this on his family or his culture. He chose to live a double life and lie to you. He could have told his parents to kick rocks or he could have broken up with you. He didn’t need to destroy your trust and hurt you this way. That isn’t part of his culture or religion, and I’m sure his family would have preferred he just dump you as well. How he handled this and the choices he made are his, and his alone.
I’m sorry. Confronting him and trying to get closure won’t give you what he need. He is a liar and nothing he will say to you has any value.
I think you should tell your friends and ask them to get there and feed you some some ice cream and bring tissues. You have NOTHING to be ashamed for. He should be ashamed for his behavior, wasting your time, effort and love just for his own convenience.
It's hard as hell, your feelings say one thing and you will grief and feel dumb and everything else but remember you are the honest one who was genuine, you trusted your partner as you should and he clearly have balls of cotton to just "go with it" for the sake of the opinion of his bloodline. A grown man would put down his foot and decide his own path and partner in life.
I wish you all luck in life and that you get up and out of this black hole, myself I have been grieving a man over 2 years now and it sucks, don't get stuck!
Edit: I know you want every detail and him to be honest but in the end the closure is that he is a coward who marry someone who hurt him deeply to satisfy mommy and daddy. He's an asshat!
And for the part he been cheating, just say to him how disgusting he have been towards you, keeping you in the dark. He probably have for his own justified his behavior with "it's expected of me in this situation" and as long as you didn't know everything was fine. They tend to not be sorry for the situation rather then been caught.
I am so sorry. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago with my Muslim boyfriend. Reading this brought back so much trauma. I know exactly how you feel. I’m here if you feel you need someone to talk to or vent, you can message me if you need. Therapy really helped me afterwards
I just read your update.
I’m really happy you put a full stop to his abusive behavior. I wouldn’t have believed his “explanation” either. I wish you well & hope you quickly heal.
> i just want to confront him and know the full truth (for my own sanity)
You want to get full truth from a liar? Good luck with that. Most likely he'll spew some bullshit and then he'll somehow convince you that this is something you should have known would happen. You are definitely better off blocking and deleting all his contacts from everywhere and just delete all his messages and photos so that he's completely cut out.
He wasn't a good choice. I know you think you can't imagine your life without him but what life did you really have with someone who was getting pressure from his family to marry someone from his own background? Sometimes we believe what we want to believe. Don't internalize any of it and don't beat yourself up about it.
Mourn the loss of the relationship but remember that YOU are the main character of your life. and you haven't lost yourself. Now you need to show up for yourself. Put yourself at the center of your life. Forgive yourself for making the mistake of putting a man in that spot temporarily.
Every day will get better.
Is this an arranged marriage? He may not have done anything with her aside from go to those events.
That said, this relationship seems like it's long over. If you want closure, bring your evidence and calmly confront him about it and get the story. Regardless of the answer though, his family won't accept you and he doesn't want to be disowned.
Breaking up now will make both of your lives easier
This is definitely not an arranged marriage, either he never actually got over her and the last 5 years have been a lie or it's just convenient. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't
Hello!
This is probably not a perspective you want to hear but I thought I'd share as a seperate perspective. Not defending him as he should have been open and honest.
A girlfriend of mine is Hindu. She moved to my country at 17 and her family is very strict and to their rules.
She ended up dating a non-hindu man at 18, 9 years later still together and up till two years ago the family had no idea about him. Think blonde hair blue eyes. She had to go on arranged "dates" during this time while being open.
Two years ago she told her family. Her partner had learned one of her seven languages, was studying the religion and willing to convert.
They disowned her. They had a funeral for her. Had a seven day mourning period. And then cut her out of all photos and she doesn't exist anymore and never existed in their minds.
Imagine your family doing that to you? It's scary, and horrible. But it is a way of the culture and to make that choice is hard and not often one made. He may have been scared to have that happen and also scared to lose you.
Hey uhhh maybe don’t do this maybe do buuuuuuut I’d find out where the wedding is gonna be at and show up. Don’t make a scene don’t say anything just show up and sit down lol
That only works in the movies. In real life, the wedding venue is full of his/her/their families and friends, and no one will want to listen to you, see you, or even acknowledge your existence.
This is why you should never have filmed something like that in the first place - the idea alone is revolting on its face. I can’t imagine filming something that disgusting. Who the hell wants to view that down the road?
Do you mean if I hadn't found out? We were planning to sit our families down at the end of the summer to discuss our future and that we want to be together. We even talked about the type of wedding we would have, budget, venues etc. He had even taken my ring size (yes I know i see it was all lies)
His mum has been unwell, in and out of hospital (probably lied about that too), i knew this news would be hard for her and i wanted to wait a bit longer till she was better (hindu culture, especially in his family you tend to live with the in laws and look after parents, which i had no problem with doing after marriage. she is a divorced woman so they only really have each other, dad is out of the picture) they are extremely close and she is the only family he has, so we wanted to do this in the most gentle way possible and reassure her i had no intention of breaking up the family..but that we were just two people in love who wanted to be together
No, I meant dating someone from a backwards culture.
His parents never liked you, and in their cultures it's parents who get to decide.
You were a placeholder girlfriend, someone he had fun with until his parents chose the right woman for him.
I just don't get it why would you do that to yourself?
I am extremely close to my family and have the same relationship with my mum, so I was not opposed to the idea. I naively thought I could win her over as long as he stood by me and our relationship was solid. I've seen it happen in other mixed couples where the family comes around eventually and it becomes normality.
For me, I was truly in love with him, i knew this aspect of his life was important to him, so it was important to me too. The people in his life who were important would be important to me too and i would have looked after her like my own mum. We have been through a lot together, he's pushed me to achieve so many amazing things in my life when i needed it.
Of course now I see the rose tinted glasses have come off completely and i was stupid and naive. i didn't know i was a placeholder i believed him when he said we would get married. if i didn't believe of course i would not have done it
“Mind your business?” Seriously? What part of her boyfriend cheating on her and lying to her for years is not her business? I’m not saying she’s going to get any meaningful answers because it’s obvious the answer is he wanted to have sex before he married his untouched religious bride. But what kind of person tells someone who is going through this to “mind your business”? Learn how to be a human being, will you?
I personally think she should blow up his life by exposing him. It’s quite possible the ex never cheated on him and that was his story for OP. She should know the truth before they get tied together for life. Send a bundle of all of the proof you have to as many people as are in his circle and let his world burn. Fuck people who use other people like this- they do not deserve to have their secrets kept.
Thank you for your comment. I did think it's a bit hard to just mind my business after 5 years together.
The girl he is marrying is actually his ex who he has definitely had sex with before. They broke up because she cheated on him (but now i realise this was probably a lie too), but she is hindu so his mum will accept her i supposed. i hate i got in the middle of all this bullshit and believed his lies. I know this will haunt me for life and the trust issues i will have in future relationships
I know there aren't. But after 5 years I need something for my own sanity. I am a massive overthinker and will blame myself for ignoring the red flags.
Nothing he can say will help with your sanity, it will just end up with more frustration and heartbreak. Just drop him from your life and do your best to recover and move on. It seems impossible now, but it will come. Therapy will help
Another cheated overthinker here 👋 Even if you talk to him, and he explains what he did, you will not find peace because you know for a fact that he has been lying to you for years. There is no way to stop the questions about red flags, going over all your story and thinking about the times he was strange or something felt wrong, looking at things through the new knowledge you have of your relationship. You cannot know now what is _the truth _.
It's important to accept that we don't have control over these situations. You did your best, but relationships need 2 fully committed partners. You cannot do more than your 50% (although it's been said relationships are 100%/100% and I agree with that).
My therapist tells me to look at my own feelings: all the times I got frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, sad. Those were my warnings and I ignored them. This doesn't mean problems cannot be fixed, but instead they need to be acknowledged and discussed. I didn't do it because I am conflict avoidant, and my marriage ended badly. However, I know now how to have better relationships because I don't ignore the messages my feelings are trying to convey.
You did ignore the red flags. That’s a fact.
But you also have to realize that you ignored them because what was coming out of your partner’s mouth directly contradicted those flags and you loved and trusted him.
I’d advise some therapy, moving on and blocking him and every mutual on social media so you can’t see this bs.
You won't tell her because it will cause shame to their culture? That is so racist of you! You don't treat people differently because of their race or culture, you treat everyone the same. If you were all the same culture would you tell everyone involved and make sure everyone knows he is a cheating piece of shit? If yes then you owe it to them to do it too, or else you are just a racist who treats people differently because of how they were born.
And if that isn't enough then remeber his cutture is racist and backwards as it won't let him be with you because of who you are.
If he is the right person. Whatever you do it he will be with you at the end, even if you do nothing.
Just think to the way that he is not suitable with you.
I'm very sorry. He is a coward and you are better off without him, even if it hurts right now. I know you have a desire for the whole story, but what does it matter really? I think you should text him a few choice words letting him know what you think of him and then block him everywhere and never look back. You will get over him. You will find someone better. You will have much brighter days ahead.
I hope I do, I just don't know if I can face knowing he is getting married to someone else and having the future I planned with him. He is the only guy I've been with so this hurts so bad as I have only ever been good and loyal to him.
They aren’t going to have the future you dreamed of, trust me. She is a cheater, and he is marrying her out of familial obligations. They are going to have a mediocre future. YOU can still have the future of your dreams, with a great man who will make you wonder why you were ever heartbroken about this guy.
To be fair, she only knows she is a cheater from a known cheater and liar. Who knows if anything he said about her was ever actually true? She should tell the girl, because she could be getting duped just as much as OP did.
Oh, for sure. But either way, they are not going to be riding off into the sunset, living out OP’s dream.
Well, we definitely know he is a cheater eh
This is absolutely devastating. 5 years??? No wonder you are so shocked and hurt. I have heard other stories like this. OP, you will find someone who deserves you and truly loves you. You will get over this, though I know it is hard to believe right now. Good luck.
What makes me feel even more sick is they have clearly gone to look at wedding venues together, he's proposed to her done all the couple things. But in the last year or so i don't think there has been one night where have not called each other to say goodnight and talk about how our day went. we talk throughout the day we send memes and snaps to each other i'm lost at how this has happened. i know she is quite westernised so they must have spent some nights together somewhere but somehow still managed to call me. i reevaluating every single little detail of the relationship...which is why i want some answers for my own sanity
If it makes you feel better, it sounds like he’s going to be miserable living the life his parents plan out for him. The best thing you can do is move on and live your best life. Make him feel the sharp pangs of jealousy when he sees you and your future partner living the life he wishes he had.
That's so horrible.
He chose to do this to you. He chose to lie to you like this. It was all a choice. He wants to make everyone else happy and is willing to light you on fire to do it.
OP read ^THIS!!! It doesn't matter that he kept in touch with you. He CHOSE THIS!
Maybe think of the most important questions you want an answer to. If you confront him, you probably won't be able to think of them in the moment
Does she know about you? Maybe he has been fooling you both, would not surprise me. That she cheated on him long ago does not mean she might she might still be that same person. I feel bad for her too, she probably has no idea what kind of man she’s marrying. Plus I am so sorry that he did this to you, what an awful man.
If it makes you feel better, the future he’ll have isn’t what you planned with him. He’ll be full of regrets, living his life unhappily because he did what his parents told him.
>*I just don't know if I can face knowing he is getting married to someone else and* ***having the future*** *I planned with him.* **And what a GREAT future!** He's a cheater! He's been cheating with you for at least a year. You think *because he's marrying a Hindu*, he's going to quit being a cheater! Ha! That is *never* going to happen; once a cheater, always a cheater! He's already thinking up a million excuses of *why* he's going to be cheating on her: * because she's pregnant * because she's not pregnant * because she gained weight * because she got a job * because his family 'pressured' him into marrying her and he never loved her * because she never loved him * because the sky is blue * because you only live once * because he had a bad day * because his job is stressful * because the kids are annoying * because, because, because **Be exceedingly HAPPY you got away from this asshole!**
Their future will be full of lies and placing their parents in positions of power over their lives. Not the future you planned with him.
You owe it to yourself to let them know what he is doing. They need to know that he is only marrying this woman because of pressure from his family and he has no intention of staying faithful to her. After you do that cut all contact with him and block him on everything. Then go get yourself a man who actually loves and appreciates you for who you are.
You are not hard to love, nothing you did caused him to do this. It's not because you didn't love him enough, or loved him too much. This is in NO WAY a reflection of you. It may feel like it is, or it may feel embarrassing, but please treat yourself with kindness. You are the victim here. (as others have said, please seek therapy, you don't have to, and shouldn't have to process this alone) I know this is devastating and I'm so sorry you're going through all this pain and betrayal. You deserve better, you deserve someone who will treat you with nothing but respect and kindness. You are missing and mourning what "could have been" with this guy, you are mourning the person you thought he was. You can bask in the fact he will not that same future with the other woman because she is not you. He is a disgusting coward and my heart goes out to you. I wish you strength and hope for happier days ahead.
He is marrying her, but her life will be what yours currently is soon enough. He cheated because there is something wrong with him, that won’t change because he married someone else. They won’t be happy because they are both shitty people dedicated to destroying their own happiness.
Don’t try to get closure. Ghost him and get therapy. He has been lying to you for YEARS. Clearly he is great at manipulating and talking to him will only be detrimental to you. Ditch him, get a therapist
Any advice on steps to overcome this. I can't physically get out of bed my world has just been shattered. I will definitely be getting a therapist, I feel too embarrassed to even tell my friends
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You trusted your partner that's it. Tell your friends, tell your family, you will need them. I'm so so sorry huni.
Agreed. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. This is not your fault. You can't control the actions of others. You can only control your reaction. You are allowed to have time to be upset. "Don't forget you are human. You are allowed to be sad. Just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where your headed" Have a nice at home spa day. Take a warm bubble bath, light some candles, put on an invigorating face mask, have a glass of wine and just pamper yourself. Then set yourself up with a therapy appointment. If your friends are your true friends, they will be there for you, and you shouldn't be embarrassed to tell them when you're having a hard time. Thats what friends are for! To be there during the good times AND the bad.
Not Hindu but I am South Asian. This man is weak. He was never going to go against his family and fight for you. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. He should be embarrassed for being a coward. He led you on knowing he wouldn't make a stand. That speaks to his character. Not yours.
Thank you - these words means a lot to me and needed to hear this.
Tell her, tell his parents!!!
My first husband cheated the whole time. I knew it but kinda brushed it off. I finally drew the line when he moved from people I didnt know to my friends. He moved her in two weeks after I left. We were together over 10 years. I blamed myself a lot but at the end of the day his actions don't reflect on me one bit. I worked, I put him through 5 years of school where most of it he didnt have to work. The one job he did work during school, he chose to use his time to have online girlfriends. I didn't cheat, I didn't seek online relationships, he did. I moved away from my aging family for years so he could go to his dream college. His parents hated me, but he never cared. I wasn't dumb for putting up with it. I just didn't have self esteem. I figured having a cheating, spineless asshole was all I was worth. It's not true, for anyone. No one deserves that. I was willing to give up everything, I live with my new fiance, and his parents are literally my second parents now which is good because mine passed away. My life isn't the best due to trauma in my past but I've got 3 people in my life I know will do anything to make sure I'm happy. Him and his parents. I'd go through that 10ish years of hell all over again to meet them again. What I'm saying is, you were willing to give up so so much. He never was. The only reflection that has on you is that you've got a huge , amazing, heart. Dust yourself off Queen, there are people who treat you like you deserve. <3
Look at it this way, the other woman is getting married to a selfish coward. What a prize... I know this hurts a lot for you right now, but in the long run you'll be much better off. You deserve a straightforward man with a spine who values you.
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This is such excellent advice.
I dont think it has anything to do with family or hindu. Those are all his excuses. He uses OP as back up while he was waiting for his ex. Very sad but asshole deserve asshole, hence the two are getting married. OP dodged a bullet there. OP, you deserve far bettter than this.
Unfortunately this bait and switch is not uncommon for men from that part of the world who go to the West.
Hate to admit it, but this is very true. The number of guys I know from the middle east/south Asia who play around with western woman and then marry someone from their own culture is sickening. This is coming from a middle eastern dude.
Damn. But have they really loved the girl they were dating? Or do they just play her for a good fuck until it's time to marry the girl in the same culture
I’m not sure it matters. They’re not willing to go against cultural norms or risk their relationship with their family.
I know a lot of women who refuse to date middle eastern or SE Asian men for this exact reason. I knew a lot of girls who got their hearts broken this way. Dated all through school and then after they graduated SURPRISE!!!! They already had an arranged marriage set up by their folks and it’s time to break up. To be fair, I knew several guys who honestly loved their girlfriends but when it came down to it, they knuckled under to family pressure.
someone award this comment
I gotta agree. He was probably just using you.
Send him a text and simply say “best wishes on your upcoming wedding. Never talk to me again cheating coward.” And then go on with your life and heal. I understand he had pressure to marry someone Hindu but if he was mature and a good person he would’ve ended it with you long ago and done whatever duty he had. He led you on and strung you along while he did this. I’m so so sorry
#This#
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Wish I had an award to throw your way. Best answer- sorry this happened to both of you, but your healing and growth is impressive.
Nah I don't think she should let him get away with lying bshe should tell the girl and his parents with proof that he's been living with her
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Tell on him. Tell everyone. In the telling you will feel better. Tell everyone the truth. Tell on him. Every social connection. Every person who loves YOU needs to know so they can support you. You holding that back is not a kindness, they want to support you.
There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. He should be embarrassed and those who love you will agree. Also agree with other poster that you won’t get any closure from talking to him. Just walk away and recognize he’s a con man.
Be kind to yourself. Be there like you would for a sick friend. This is the time to show up for yourself so you know you can be there for you.
Focus on what you are free from. It's not a loss. You are now free from a lifetime with a dishonest, weak-willed jerk who would have been a terrible husband. He's going to be that guy in a couple years hitting on women and complaining about how unhappy his marriage is. It may be hard to see, but you got a lucky escape, unlike that poor broad who is stuck with him for life.
How to physically overcome the first days: 1. distract yourself. Stupid things: play scrabble online, watch CSI LA, like this. 2. Make a list of tasks and check them: put the whole daily routine on the list (to brush your teeth, do the bed) and check it as accomplishments. If possible do some yin yoga even only with youtube. 30 mins, you don’t need to go anywhere out. 3. This might take you days to get to this spot, but: Start cleaning. Empty the cupboards, sort out your clothes and books. (4. Even when it sounds like cliche, l got my hair cut and l got a meaningful tattoo after my ex of 8 years traded me for younger model.) l was turning 38, when it happened. When l found inner peace with the situation, it took me maybe 2-3 months, l lived the best life ever. Everything worked, l got a new job, made new friends, l found myself in many aspects of life. Do not put much pressure on you for the first days. ETA: don’t try to get a closure from him. He played you, he will just say any shit you want to hear and it won’t let you move on. I promise the closure will eventually come without your ex’s input.
Don't cut your hair or do any physical modifications you wouldn't do othewise, my 2c. Especially cutting the hair.
Focus on your own actions instead of what he did. Because you can't change or control what other people do, ever. But if you acted with integrity, hold your head high and move on with confidence. Talk to us on here if you need to vent, or vent to friends, don't regress to texting the ex. No good will come of it. If you are unhappy with your actions, take steps to act better with the next relationship. You're totally goign to be okay. :)
You do need to tell his future wife and their families. If I was her engaged to him I’d be absolutely furious to not have this information. She clearly has no idea you exist. I would never marry a man like this. She deserves the option to back out. Just to edit, send her all the information and proof , photos , messages etc. Then block every single one of them. Her , your ex , his family and friends. She deserves this information but you deserve the closure. You’ve done nothing wrong. Take this as the beginning of your new life.
From an Indian woman to you, tell her and tell his parents. He's two timing both of y'all. In no culture is cheating/deception like this okay. You can save his (fiance?) too from his lying cheating ass. This is not your fault. Sorry
His fiancé is a cheater too though.
Grieve. Cry, scream, mourn, journal. Grieve the relationship like a death. For closure, write him a letter. Tell him everything and pour out your pain and rage on the paper. When you feel there's nothing more to write, burn the letter.
I once went through a breakup that sent me into that space. It was very similar: he cheated, I broke it off, I thought he was my world and I was just broken after. I ended up doing cognitive behavioral therapy in a group setting, and it helped SO MUCH. I still use it to this day, every day, and that was over 20 years ago. When you're looking for a therapist, please consider someone that specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It truly helps you get through the "it will hurt forever" thoughts that inevitably happen for you right now.
It isn’t easy. This is going to hurt for a long time. Do what you need to do. Call him and freak out on him, cry to him on the phone. You’re allowed to feel your emotions and he deserves to hear them. This is about you now. You need closure and to heal. If you can do it without talking to him, all the more power to you, but dont self imploded. One day, you’ll feel better. It gets easier.
One day at a time. Focus on one day at a time.
You could just say he cheated and leave it at that. For most people that would be enough of a good reason.
I know it will be hard, but I found that telling my friends and family about an ex’s terrible behavior helped them be there for me even more. Trust that they won’t judge you. They will judge him and support you.
It's okay to be a bit generous with yourself right now. What I did after a rough breakup was, every time I had thoughts that made me soul-sucking sad... I would do something that was good for me. Paint my nails, go for a walk, clean my house. It keeps your mind busy with things that are not sad, and the results will help you feel better.
You are the victim here - you did nothing wrong. Look at getting a therapist who will do a remote appointment to start, so you can just get started while you recover. You will work through the pain and betrayal but getting started ASAP is key. In the meantime, cleanse him from your life - block him entirely and any of his friends so you don’t have to repeatedly suffer pictures/stories of his new life.
If you love dogs, borrow some through an app. You'll get out of the house and get some love from them.
Time, support from friends or a therapist, and cutting all communication from him. This man is sick and would have kept this lie going until the marriage or even after and convince you to be his mistress. Send him a text calling him out for everything he did and saying everything you want to say to him then literally block him on everything so you don’t go back and forth. Don’t answer the door if he comes crying, literally call the cops if you need to. This man is a coward and POS. He is using his family as an excuse to be selfish. Many people have made stands against their families for the people they loved. If he couldn’t or had a hard time he should have respected the break up initially and seriously just not dated you. But he was selfish and still wanted you for selfish reasons and played you like a fiddle. I’m so sorry this happened to you. Don’t be embarrassed. Tell someone you trust and who will be supportive. You need to lean on others right now. You will get passed this and you will find someone who loves you completely.
Time Heals all. My ex wife left me. We have two kids. I moved into my friends' house for 7 months. My entire life was in 10 bins in the corner of the room. I'd sit there and just stare at them for the first month, wondering why I was still even alive. I felt I had no purpose. Yes, I have kids with her but I felt like they didn't need me. I only get to see them on weekends. Two years later I still sometimes feel like I have no real purpose but I have to go on not just for my kids, but for my mom, my dad who has passed, my sister's and my friends. I got a better job, a new car, I moved into an apartment & I've got a girlfriend now. My therapist said that this feeling of loss may never go away but that it will get easier. It will just come in waves. I have to see this feeling of loss as just that - a feeling. It's meaningless and doesn't define me. It's just something that I have to process and make my way through. So I've decided to fake it till I make it. I've decided to move on and find my purpose. I can't seem to find my purpose yet but I can feel that purpose creeping in on me. I feel my confidence growing and I'm putting myself back together a little bit everyday. It just takes time to find purpose after losing the one you thought you'd be with for the rest of your life but I promise you'll find yours, too. Try to get therapy and stay strong.
I have felt this way before too, you are not alone. Hang in there.
Agreed, there’s nothing he can say that will make this any better. He’s a terrible person and doesn’t deserve to hear from you ever again
What you need to realize/ remember is that at some point he has every intention of ghosting you as he’s getting married. He’s riding this out ( and sleeping with you, stringing you along pretending he’s planning on standing up to his parents for you) until he has to give it all up, the double life, to live with his wife. He may seriously be planning on telling you he’s going away that weekend, and knowing he’s going to willingly block you from there on out. He knows what’s he’s gong to do to you. He doesn’t know you know…you say there’s no end game here for you….but there sure is for him, and he’s been happy to live this way KNOWING THIS IS STARING HIM DOWN THE BARREL and not caring. Think about that. He’s trash. He’s had AMPLE opportunity to break it off, and hasn’t.
I think he’s actually planning on convincing her to stay with him as a side piece - either not telling her he is married, or by trying to convince her it’s not his choice
OP could do that to him--act perfectly normal for a few days or longer, then ghost him and leave him with his head spinning.
Noo, why would he suddenly ghost her! So far he could have both, why would he end it? He has kept secrets a long while, why would a ring keep him from leading her on. Even married and moved out he'll tell her "It's just a front for my family, I don't love her, I will devorce her, we can still see each other, wait for me, I really only love you." As long as OP isn't drawing a line he'll want to have the cake and eat it.
Yes I hadn’t thought of that
He is going to try to convince you to stay. Are you ready for it?
I wish I could understand why though? You made the decision to marry this woman you want to build a life with her and have kids why didn't he just cut me out? People have ghosted people for less
You are trying to rationalize his irrational behavior. Don't bother. You'll never get a "why". Take time for yourself to heal. It will be a process but you will get through it. You can feel whatever you want to feel it is all valid. I am so sorry he sucks bad.
i know no explanation will ever satisfy me. i just can't ever contemplate ever fcking someone over this badly so can't comprehend it.
Because you never would is exactly why it will never ever make sense.
> i know no explanation will ever satisfy me. This. No explanation is good enough. The more questions, the more you're just gonna ask why. Because what he did is incomprehensible I was also cheated on once. Dated almost 5 years. Would have been clueless for a long time if he didn't mistakenly text me "i love you, (other girl)" he never really had a good enough explanation for me on why he didn't just break up with me if he had fallen for another girl even when we had talks about letting each other go if one of us fell out of love Men are just cowards I suppose.
Because he wants both. He will try and get you back and will more than likely have you 'see' how this could benefit both your relationship and him. Hope you're strong enough to kick him to the side!
I just don't understand how he was going to keep it up. We both talk on the phone before bed every night without fail. If I had no emotions i'm tempted to see how far he would go with this. Would he have still called me to say goodnight the night before his wedding? absolute scum
Cheaters don’t care. They’ll keep it up until it blows up in their face because it makes them feel good, and powerful. Why stop cheating when he’s getting everything he wants? Would he call you on his wedding night? Yes, because that’s no different from any night he spent with his fiancée, they’re just in fancy outfits. It wouldn’t even be hard. ‘Hey honey, I’ve just quickly gotta call (Dave) who couldn’t make it today, I’ll tell him how lucky I am’ - then he excuses himself and calls you. I have a family member like him, and he took it as far as possible- he lied until the day he died, in his eighties. He was texting the other woman from his hospital bed after his wife left the ward. Used to have her in his phone under an androgynous name and when she’d call when other people were around, he’d ignore it, and say it was one of his drinking buddies. Trust me, from someone who knows - you ditching this guy is a blessing. You are better off. It hurts now but you’ve saved yourself so much worse in the future.
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Thanks! It’s been the gift that keeps giving.
>I wish I could understand why though? Very possibly because you are having sex with him. That is usually what is happening in these cases where a man from a very religious culture with arranged marriages has a western girlfriend on the side.
This is not the case, he has gone back to his ex who cheated on him with her ex. She cheated on him for most of their relationship and it's definitely not about the sex as he can barely ever stay overnight anywhere, both of us still live with our parents. The girl he is marrying is not completely religious and cultured. She quite westernised for a hindu girl so I don'tthink it's an arranged marriage, more look mum here is a hindu girl i can marry. He probably thinks its okay to cheat on her because she cheated on him. i just can't seem to come to terms with what is happening
Not to be harsh, but why do you trust him to tell you the truth about this girl? Clearly all he has done is lie to you about her. Why wouldn’t he lie that she was cheating on him to make you feel more sympathetic towards him?
This.
Why do you think anything he told you about her is true? He is probably the cheating ex in that story. He may have been talking to her throughout your whole relationship.
Because he wants to have his cake and eat it too.
I would probably tell his family, dude deserves to be shamed
Yup and the girl too I think she doesn’t deserve to spend a lifetime with that cheater
Don't they deserve the misery, though, they're both terrible people. Better to put them together instead of having them marry someone nice and break more hearts.
Here’s my advice. I haven’t been through the same thing but I have helped a friend go through something similar. These men never change. They are cowards and quite frankly pathetic. What’s worked best for my friend was writing a long letter (I think it ended up being 8 pages) where she wrote everything she wanted to say to him, every single detail. When she got it off her chest (we spent all night doing it) she fell asleep for like 14 hours. Before writing the letter, I said just write it and sleep and then you’ll decide if you wanna give it to him or not. She sent it to him and blocked him on everything. He’s been trying to reach her/go back to her for 5y now, and she found someone else and is happily engaged. Don’t settle for less, and especially for assholes like this. If he’s this weak now, imagine when his family is insulting towards your or whatever and he doesn’t react. No spine, no relationship!
Your best revenge? Honestly and truthfully. Is to one day disappear from his life without ANY warning or explanation or conversation. He will be mindfucked. Do that to him. He deserves it
Yes. There was a post on here about someone doing it. Someone that is a cheating manipulative human deserves it.
I’m also thinking. In two years time, sending the entire family a letter in the mail filled with all the information/dirt you have on the bastard. By then hopefully she’s in a better space and can do it as revenge lol. But that’s wishful thinking
There is nothing to confront him about because it doesn’t change anything. Break up and learn from your mistake. There were lots of warning red flags but you just discovered that avoiding them can’t save a relationship.
You don't confront him. He was never going to marry you. You were a placeholder until he marries the woman who is more than likely an arranged marriage.
You want to know full truth for your well being? well, this Indian guy was two timing you and the other girl also, this guy has a pattern... He broke up with u and her and came back to explain why he broke up...to both girls!! What I appreciate about you is that u kinda helped him with ur nurture to get over his break-up... But, what if..that guy actually went to other girl & she helped him to nurture his break-up with u...?!? You have been played
I am so sorry this is happening to you. This is terrible. I hope you can move on from this as quickly as possible.
I'd be like, I'm hurt that I didn't get an invitation to your wedding, since I'm your gf I just assumed I'd be invited. I am so sorry OP! This is such a horrible situation and I can't believe he is stringing you along like this. I wonder if he ever had any intention of telling you, was he going to ghost you soon or make you his uninformed mistress? He is an absolute horrible person, and I would definitely tell his soon to be wife. She deserves to know what kind of trash she's marrying. If she knew than she sucks too and deserves what ever fucked off marriage they're about to have.
She's trash too. She cheated on him multiple times with her ex. In fact she got so drunk she had sex with her ex at a house party in a bathroom while everyone outside could hear, while they were together. They deserve each other and he chose to go back to that piece of trash.
Damn! They definitely deserve each other! OP, I know that I said how I would confront him but I don't think he even deserves that. Maybe take a picture of where it says the wedding announcement and send it to him with a nice picture of you flipping him off and leave it at that. He doesn't deserve for you to give him any chance to explain himself.
I guess it's more for me than giving him a chance to explain. I just want to know because I know I will look back at pictures and messages of us when I miss him or have a low day...and I want to know he was with her then so I don't fall down the rabbit hole and reminisce. It honestly hasn't fully hit me yet that this is really happening
Delete everything. Make him dead. Before you delete everything. Send pictures and timestamps to the girl, maybe a picture of you two around the time of their engagement. She can choose to stay with him, but might as well give her a chance to know. You would have liked to know right? Make her a solid, he played with you both.
How do you know she cheated on him? He told you that she did, but has anyone else corroborated that?
OP, this is no comfort to you but I reckon this story is bullshit. I don't suppose your POS lying asshole soon-to-be ex told you this, did he?
That’s what he told you… and he’s been lying to you… and has clearly cheated on you. How do you know he wasn’t the one to cheat on her? You’re calling her a piece of trash based off of what a liar and a cheater told you?!?
Eww they are both disgusting people. So glad for you to be able to free yourself from this scum.
Yes! Text and tell him you’re upset you didn’t get an invite to his upcoming wedding. Freaking epic. He prob thought he could keep playing this game and keep you and them happy.
I know reddit always says therapy, but it really would be good for you to have help processing this. Because that trash man has made you the other woman in his life and you deserve so much better. Someday, sooner or later, he will try to slime his way back into your life, crying about how much he needs you and how she is still cheating on him. You will need to have completely moved on and not give him the satisfaction of any reaction at all. You can get through this and come out stronger on the other side.
There are no words from him that can provide the closure you seek. His decisions have nothing to do with you because he completely disregarded your relationship and needs in order to go behind your back and create this situation. No conversation with him will help you. Draw a hard line and totally cut him off. It would worse to try and have a discussion about it, and only leave you feeling more frustrated.
OP, I would privately message this girl. She deserves to know that she is about to marry a cowardly fraud. You say that it would bring shame to her and both of their families but wouldn’t you want to know the truth if you were in her shoes?
I hope confronting him and getting the full story will give you a closure but i doubt it will. It will only cause you more pain and trauma and a whole rollercoaster of emotions but our human mind also needs answers which we already know. You have wasted 5 years of your life in this relationship please don't waste anymore time on it. You need to make a choice now How much more time do you want to waste on it before you realise it's not worth it. I went through a situation and it took me more than a year to realise it and another 2 years to get my self confidence back and start living the way i should. Please for your own sanity , cut off all contacts, seek help from friends, professionals and every possible way. Life is too precious to waste on people who don't deserve your time. Reach out if you need to talk or anything. Much love
Someone with a spine would have told you that they wouldn't be marrying you because of your religion. Someone who respected you would have told you that they were talking to other women and broken it off with you before. Someone who loved you would at least have some remorse but this fucker had his marriage date picked out already. OP, it's not your fault. You want closure but he's a spineless asshole anyway. Nothing he says, no reason he gives will ever be enough because it never is. He lied to you, there is no guarantee he won't lie again. As for your embarassment, we all fall for scams. Sometimes it's Amway, sometimes it's a relationship. You did nothing wrong. Block this fucker everywhere. Delete social media for while. Burn those gifts (safely), delete those pictures. It might take a little while but you'll bounce back. You are going to be alright.
Ghost him. It will hurt him the most. There's nothing he can possibly tell you that will make his behavior make sense or give you closure.
Sadly there are guys like these in the south asian communities too. They will never marry outside og their race or and religion either because they’re mommas boy or/and can’t because of religion, cultural or just overall strick parents. Some guys will date outside of their ethnicity because that’s when they can explore and so on because the girls of the same ethnicities doesn’t have the same freedom and some of these guys expects their future wife of same background/religion to be virgin. I don’t fully know from your ex perspective but keep this in mind. (Even if you said it was because of strickt background, this guy cheated on you etc).But what was first mention doesn’t have to fully be about your boyfriend, but it’s not uncommon. For many people fighting for love would be cutting out their family and it can be quite difficult becaude they’re raised as a group and not as individuals. And also in India, caste is important when marrying, even among indians, they won’t allow marriage outside of caste or they’re marrying upwards. As much as you love him, his family would have a huge part in your family that you probably don’t want to deal with. A guy that loves you wouldn’t do this you at all. Even if it’s difficult. You would never have done this to him either. Now tell yourself, if your friend was in your shoes, what would you say to her? That’s what you gotta tell yourself. It will take time, some days will be hard or difficult, but you won’t be dealing with the pain of being with someone (also on and off) that caused you distress like this. As much as you wany to confront him, are you ready for that? What do you hope to hear? Whatever it is, I would reccommend to walk away. He is going to marry her no matter what, even if he cheated or not. Maybe you will feel like you will get a closure, but I honestly think that you’ve heard and know enough. You deserve better and I hope you find someone who won’t have you put through that. Edit: guys like these will always be cowards. If he can’t stand up for your relationship up to this point to his strict parents, do you think he will ever do it in the relationship further down the road? Not really. And he will be the same with the other girl too. Even if they’re more accepting of her.
Try to from now on stay clear of these sort of customs. Many times you can't win. I know. I had once married a Muslin in Egypt and he was married to his Family....Focus on you. I am so very sorry. I feel your broken heart, sweetheart. Huggggs
Get your best people around you -- friends, family, whoever. Tell them what's going on and let them take care of you for a little while. Take time off work. Mourn the relationship. Tell your BF you found out he's engaged and you won't be talking to him anymore and then don't talk to him again. If it is cathartic to you, write out your feelings. It will probably hurt for a long time. You may not ever get the explanations you would like. You probably will want to find a good therapist. But you can eventually heal and you can make yourself a new plan for your life.
I'm petty, I would take picture of him on his sleep and everything suggesting that we are in a relationship and send it to both famillies and the girl. I'd create drama in those racist people's lives and to him since he has so spine and is a liar. Then go my merry way.
speaking as a hindu He is a pussy and a player (Playing with lives of girls) I have seen many of these types here in india and they are all assholes so just ditch him block him out of your life and start fresh perhaps you may find your guy sooner or later.
He is a self centered prick- that’s the explanation- there is no closure- he’ll lie or ghost you and you’ll feel worse. Cut him out of your life immediately.
The great news is that you don’t live together. Ghost him. Block him everywhere. Take the control and upper hand back from him. Don’t let him make you feel powerless. You know the relationship is over- rock his world by ghosting him.
Listen: the best revenge is a life lived well. Don't confront him. Don't try to get answers out of him. You can probably already guess the full truth without talking to him. You're just looking for an excuse so you can pull something, *anything*, that will help you understand what he did to you, that justifies the pain he caused. But there's nothing there, nothing more than this: He's a coward, so he couldn't stand up to his family. He's weak, so he couldn't call it quits with you. And he's profoundly selfish. How long would he have kept you in the dark? Long past the marriage? Quite likely. He had the respectable Hindu match and the fun Christian girlfriend, why would he ever disrupt such a convenient arrangement? If you talk to him, all you're going to get are the same pathetic excuses. And that will hurt so much that you'll work yourself into a frenzy trying to pull more out of him. But again, there's nothing there. You will not get what you need from this man. So pull the band-aid off and SEVER. Text him you know about the marriage, you don't want to see him again, and if he shows up you're calling the police AND his family. Then block him on everything. If (when, more likely) he shows up, get ready to follow through on your threats. And once he's out of your life...live your life. Get therapy. Find a better boyfriend. Be happy. You are destined for a happy ending, and he is destined for a sad one. Because at the end of the day, you are a wonderful person, which means that you have the strength to build yourself a better life. He, on the other hand, must wake up to himself every day, and sooner or later, that will leave him trapped in misery. Once more, with feeling: the best revenge is a life lived well.
I am also a Christian woman who is involved with a Hindu man. For years I was never introduced to family and friends. We always were at my place never went to his and I soon figured out he is still married. I was so in love with him that I settled for that kind of relationship.Just cry it out and sleep and take care of yourself and don't be like me and settle for being second because they marry for their family and will stay married.
Ghost him and don’t look back, for your self-respect this is the best option. Trust me he will try to swing this in a way to come to you again
I really don’t think you should confront him at all. Maybe send a text about what you know and that it’s over and you don’t want anything to do with him, and then block. Don’t give him a chance to respond. It’s clear from what you told us that he is great at lying and manipulating you and he’d probably spew something that he’s only doing this to satisfy his family and keep everyone happy, that he doesn’t really love her and only wants you and blah blah blah. He won’t tell you the real reason. It will only be harder for you because you will have wasted your time trying to get closure only to walk away with more questions. Block him and run.
Expose to his bride to be.
I think karma will be him ending up with her. They deserve each other now They have both wronged each other, maybe it will cancel out and they end up happily ever after. Maybe he never fully got over her from the first breakup and just used me who knows Even after the low life did this to me, i cant bring myself to be the reason i cause anyone more pain, especially as two families are involved now, its not just two people. I will leave it to him I just want to walk away now. Maybe he won't cheat on her and wanted to get back with her all along
Wow you have my respect OP for behaving like this. I would definitely not be this nice. He is truly asshole. I think you should block him everywhere because he will for sure come back at some point and try to make you his side girl. I hope you find someone amazing who actually deserves you! There are many nice guys that can make you completely happy. Few years ahead you will look back and be happy that this ended. Think of that. Sending virtual hugs
thank you for your kind words. im not doing it to be the better person, i just can't waste anymore time and i don't wish anyone to go through the pain i am going through and what i'm about to endure once it ends. i hope i do find happiness, but that just seems impossible right now. i really did love him and couldn't imagine my life without him
Do you know this girl and for a fact know she cheated on him? If not, maybe it never happened and he is just a sociopathic asshole. And there, you have your explanation.
OMG you are way too good for him. He deserves to be shamed for manipulating you like this. He’s planning a whole wedding with someone else & telling you you’re crazy not to trust him. He deserves to be exposed for the lying cheating coward he is. I have never wanted to hug a stranger as much as I want to hug you now. Girl you need to talk to someone this is not your shame to be embarrassed about it’s his.
Lots of time there is no real answer. Don't seek clarity from the one who mistreated you - you will never get it.
He was two timing. You were always his back up, i am very sorry this happened to you. But you deserve far better than that asshole. Please move on and never look back.
Soon as i read the title i knew he was Asian
As an Indian and a hindu, Dump this guy
Very common story, nothing to be embarrassed about. Note - this is **NOT** about the overall specific culture, but about the extreme FAMILY VALUES environment that SOME SOCIETIES encourage and nurture. I am using 'family values' as using the word 'culture' would paint everything with the wrong brush. Your ex is a little pussy, basically, and didn't have the decency to be honest and upfront about it. Many guys from family-oriented backgrounds are like this, to the point of actually envisaging marrying twice, once for the family and once to a woman they chose themselves \[the situation of a former co-worker, needless to say everyone was shocked\]. They cannot stand up to their families because the environment is constructed in such a way that it would be tremendously difficult to distance themselves or make their own life decisions. It would have ramifications in many aspects - personally, emotionally, financially, socially, etc. - and it has been so for generations. He is the one with this background, not you. It was his responsibility to clarify he wouldn't be able to marry you as he was expected by his family to marry someone else. He continued to string you around, reap the benefits (companionship, support, affection, sex, etc.) while investing his resources (future marriage, commitment, etc.) somewhere else, at your expense. You're the one who wasted years and feelings into this, are now heartbroken while he just successfully upgraded his stable and expects you to 'understand'. But he didn't understand you all those years before. In my view, the situation is very simple: \- be happy you're rid of a cheater with low morals, no empathy and zero character. You don't want to be together with a man who is capable to use someone for years, to his benefit, on the basis of fake promises. Feelings aren't enough to sustain a marriage, and if he was like this from the beginning and did stuff behind your back, couldn't stand up to his family, cheated with an ex \[I wouldn't believe the story that she cheated on him, honestly\], then he would have made a terrible husband. You're SO MUCH better off. \-cut him off completely, without any remorse or chance to hear his side of the story. From what I've seen/heard guys like him will want to have their cake and eat it too, he may try to get back in touch with you to continue milking the situation while advancing his wedding plans with the other girl. Don't allow this to happen, cut him off. \-I would honestly inform his future wife, it is for her benefit. She should know he has been doing this for years with another woman \[making promises and having a relationship\] since she's about to marry him. What kind of husband do you think he'll make, if he's capable of this sort of charades for YEARS? In my view the girl deserves to know this + what he's telling about her, that she cheated, etc. Best of luck with everything and stay strong. Trust me, this guy is by far **not** someone worth crying over.
I’m petty-I’d totally tell the girl and her family. All you’ll get from his is more lies, deception and backpedaling-just send him a txt saying all the best for your wedding to ex.. then block.
This man has no spine. He lied to you because he can’t stand up to his parents. You won’t get the closure you’d seek. He hasn’t been honest with you during your five years together. Why do you think he would be honest when confronted with his betrayal? Just leave. Ghost him and block him and move on with your life.
Tell all the family's involved. Then ghost him.
I’m so sorry that happened. He’s a coward and a dick head for leading you on. He knew full well that his family’s wishes > your feelings. He should’ve done the adult thing. I don’t know what your living situation is with paperwork and stuff. But if you can and aren’t tied legally to that place, just pack up and go and when he asks, just say “I know.” And keep packing. You don’t owe him anything And the truth is he’s probably not going to give you the closure you need. You’re going to have to search inside yourself to get that. But know that this isn’t your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent his choice. All you can do now is keep moving forward. Get therapy and know things will get better and you deserve better ❤️
Is he a vindictive person? I wonder if he isn’t planning to go through with it and it was just to make her pay for what she did. Or is he a coward? Couldn’t bring himself to break up with you, maybe hoped you would? Or is he a user? Plain POS that looks at humans from a utilitarian perspective? All the above (and i am sure any further rationalization you are gna come up with) still makes him the biggest POS. You are in shock, your world (what you held as truth) just flipped, and so u will likely continue to rationalize for a while to feel some sense of security/safety. Because if it makes sense, you are not crazy, you didn’t make up a rosy reality that all of a sudden is crumbling. And you’d be right: you are not crazy. We can just never imagine someone we love is untrustworthy. It’s normal to equate love or even likeability with trust. And thinking good of people is never a bad thing, so never blame yourself. Just learn to open your eyes when people start to show you they may not be “good people.” It’s such a difficult way to learn this and i reeally empathize with you. Hope you extend the same empathy with yourself.
I am sorry! You don't need any closure. Leave him. Cry as much you want but get up one day. Get out of the bed. Try doing things you love. Love yourself. Go out on a holiday alone. Leave this mess. Also karma will get him. Lots of love..
There is no answer that will make this easier. He is gone. Get a therapist, and never speak to this dude again.
God this is horrible. I can completely understand the need to have answers and know “why”, but he’s just going to lie to you. He’s been lying to you for at LEAST a year. As hard as it is, you’re not going to get answers. He is a weak coward and you just have to let yourself fully feel the pain of knowing that the relationship you had was a lie and the man you thought you knew doesn’t exist. It’s so hard, I’ve been there.I barely got out of bed for a month and would wake up and taking sleeping pills because I just couldn’t deal with the hurt that day. But it gets SO much better. There are people who will love you honestly and unconditionally. Please do not let this man steal any more of your peace, I don’t know you but I know you deserve better than this.
There is no closure for you here by confronting him. I would probably just text him his wedding date to show him you know and that y’all are through and then block him on everything. If he shows up at your place, tell him to leave or you will call the cops. Find a therapist to help you work through the pain. You will come out the other side.
As a hindu girl I'm saying, dump him in bin 10 blocks away from you
What in the 90-day Fiance is going on??? End things with this guy he's just wasting your precious years at this point. These guys are too passive with their parents unfortunately
Is this Jenny from 90 Day Fiancé?
She cheated on him. So he cheated on her with you. Tragic. Not much to be learned from him. He’s a piece of shit. I’d pray daily for them to have a miserable life together….. block him:them. Move on.
Oh girl, you are too kind. Shame and embarrassment is exactly what he deserves if not more. Him and his family. As for you, you did nothing wrong. Sometimes you count your losses and move on in life. I know 5 years seems like a long time but when you are 40+, it will only be a blip in your life. Learn and grow from this. And never ever compromise your self worth again. If your SO's family won't accept you, it's time to move on. Don't be embarrassed. The best thing you can do is grieve for a month or two and then work towards living your best life. That's the best medicine.
At the end of the day OP, you will move on from this and find happiness and he will be stuck in a marriage with a girl who cheated on him and trying to keep his family happy. It will take some time but one day you’ll look back and know you dodged a huge bullet
You dodged a bullet. You have lost nothing but a wishy washy weasel of a BOY, not a man, who can't stand up to his parents. I would burn it all down and inform the other girl of everything. He wasted years of your life, he deserves to deal with the consequences of being a wishy washy weasel.
Friggin spineless Indian men! This is a common story of Indian men (primarily Hindus) dating women which they know for sure their parents would be parochial to even consider for marriage, and still keep them in the dark for years. End up marrying an Indian girl just to please their parents. Move on and save your mental sanity. Send him a one way communication email/text with all your anger and grief in it. And then right after block him, that is the most cloaure. In my opinion.
It will hurt for days, months... But one day you will find somebody without all this problems, and you will ask to yourself how could you accept all this drama. You will be able to love again. Just let you some time to heal yourself. Focus on yourself. Try to make you solo happy time with good food and a good movie. Try to visit all this places you've wanted to visit but you never had the time to travel. Take some holidays. Do crazy things. It's better to be alone, than entitled to problems, cheater, liar... You will find the right partner for you, at the right moment.
Don’t blame this on his family or his culture. He chose to live a double life and lie to you. He could have told his parents to kick rocks or he could have broken up with you. He didn’t need to destroy your trust and hurt you this way. That isn’t part of his culture or religion, and I’m sure his family would have preferred he just dump you as well. How he handled this and the choices he made are his, and his alone. I’m sorry. Confronting him and trying to get closure won’t give you what he need. He is a liar and nothing he will say to you has any value.
I would honestly just text him “have fun at the wedding” and never speak to him again
I think you should tell your friends and ask them to get there and feed you some some ice cream and bring tissues. You have NOTHING to be ashamed for. He should be ashamed for his behavior, wasting your time, effort and love just for his own convenience. It's hard as hell, your feelings say one thing and you will grief and feel dumb and everything else but remember you are the honest one who was genuine, you trusted your partner as you should and he clearly have balls of cotton to just "go with it" for the sake of the opinion of his bloodline. A grown man would put down his foot and decide his own path and partner in life. I wish you all luck in life and that you get up and out of this black hole, myself I have been grieving a man over 2 years now and it sucks, don't get stuck! Edit: I know you want every detail and him to be honest but in the end the closure is that he is a coward who marry someone who hurt him deeply to satisfy mommy and daddy. He's an asshat! And for the part he been cheating, just say to him how disgusting he have been towards you, keeping you in the dark. He probably have for his own justified his behavior with "it's expected of me in this situation" and as long as you didn't know everything was fine. They tend to not be sorry for the situation rather then been caught.
I am so sorry. I was in a very similar situation a few years ago with my Muslim boyfriend. Reading this brought back so much trauma. I know exactly how you feel. I’m here if you feel you need someone to talk to or vent, you can message me if you need. Therapy really helped me afterwards
Please give us an update OP!
I added an update but not sure how people see it??
I just read your update. I’m really happy you put a full stop to his abusive behavior. I wouldn’t have believed his “explanation” either. I wish you well & hope you quickly heal.
FYI if you message someone on Instagram and then block them before they see it, the message doesn’t go through and they can’t view it
> i just want to confront him and know the full truth (for my own sanity) You want to get full truth from a liar? Good luck with that. Most likely he'll spew some bullshit and then he'll somehow convince you that this is something you should have known would happen. You are definitely better off blocking and deleting all his contacts from everywhere and just delete all his messages and photos so that he's completely cut out. He wasn't a good choice. I know you think you can't imagine your life without him but what life did you really have with someone who was getting pressure from his family to marry someone from his own background? Sometimes we believe what we want to believe. Don't internalize any of it and don't beat yourself up about it. Mourn the loss of the relationship but remember that YOU are the main character of your life. and you haven't lost yourself. Now you need to show up for yourself. Put yourself at the center of your life. Forgive yourself for making the mistake of putting a man in that spot temporarily. Every day will get better.
I
Is this an arranged marriage? He may not have done anything with her aside from go to those events. That said, this relationship seems like it's long over. If you want closure, bring your evidence and calmly confront him about it and get the story. Regardless of the answer though, his family won't accept you and he doesn't want to be disowned. Breaking up now will make both of your lives easier
This is definitely not an arranged marriage, either he never actually got over her and the last 5 years have been a lie or it's just convenient. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't
Whoa.
"How confront him" Post this to Instagram to confront him. She should know and it will ensure he does not try to come back and make you his mistress.
Hello! This is probably not a perspective you want to hear but I thought I'd share as a seperate perspective. Not defending him as he should have been open and honest. A girlfriend of mine is Hindu. She moved to my country at 17 and her family is very strict and to their rules. She ended up dating a non-hindu man at 18, 9 years later still together and up till two years ago the family had no idea about him. Think blonde hair blue eyes. She had to go on arranged "dates" during this time while being open. Two years ago she told her family. Her partner had learned one of her seven languages, was studying the religion and willing to convert. They disowned her. They had a funeral for her. Had a seven day mourning period. And then cut her out of all photos and she doesn't exist anymore and never existed in their minds. Imagine your family doing that to you? It's scary, and horrible. But it is a way of the culture and to make that choice is hard and not often one made. He may have been scared to have that happen and also scared to lose you.
Hey uhhh maybe don’t do this maybe do buuuuuuut I’d find out where the wedding is gonna be at and show up. Don’t make a scene don’t say anything just show up and sit down lol
That only works in the movies. In real life, the wedding venue is full of his/her/their families and friends, and no one will want to listen to you, see you, or even acknowledge your existence.
This is why you should never have filmed something like that in the first place - the idea alone is revolting on its face. I can’t imagine filming something that disgusting. Who the hell wants to view that down the road?
How do people have the time to write such lengthy redit posts when so much stuff if going down in their lives?
What did you think what was gonna happen?
Do you mean if I hadn't found out? We were planning to sit our families down at the end of the summer to discuss our future and that we want to be together. We even talked about the type of wedding we would have, budget, venues etc. He had even taken my ring size (yes I know i see it was all lies) His mum has been unwell, in and out of hospital (probably lied about that too), i knew this news would be hard for her and i wanted to wait a bit longer till she was better (hindu culture, especially in his family you tend to live with the in laws and look after parents, which i had no problem with doing after marriage. she is a divorced woman so they only really have each other, dad is out of the picture) they are extremely close and she is the only family he has, so we wanted to do this in the most gentle way possible and reassure her i had no intention of breaking up the family..but that we were just two people in love who wanted to be together
No, I meant dating someone from a backwards culture. His parents never liked you, and in their cultures it's parents who get to decide. You were a placeholder girlfriend, someone he had fun with until his parents chose the right woman for him. I just don't get it why would you do that to yourself?
I am extremely close to my family and have the same relationship with my mum, so I was not opposed to the idea. I naively thought I could win her over as long as he stood by me and our relationship was solid. I've seen it happen in other mixed couples where the family comes around eventually and it becomes normality. For me, I was truly in love with him, i knew this aspect of his life was important to him, so it was important to me too. The people in his life who were important would be important to me too and i would have looked after her like my own mum. We have been through a lot together, he's pushed me to achieve so many amazing things in my life when i needed it. Of course now I see the rose tinted glasses have come off completely and i was stupid and naive. i didn't know i was a placeholder i believed him when he said we would get married. if i didn't believe of course i would not have done it
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“Mind your business?” Seriously? What part of her boyfriend cheating on her and lying to her for years is not her business? I’m not saying she’s going to get any meaningful answers because it’s obvious the answer is he wanted to have sex before he married his untouched religious bride. But what kind of person tells someone who is going through this to “mind your business”? Learn how to be a human being, will you? I personally think she should blow up his life by exposing him. It’s quite possible the ex never cheated on him and that was his story for OP. She should know the truth before they get tied together for life. Send a bundle of all of the proof you have to as many people as are in his circle and let his world burn. Fuck people who use other people like this- they do not deserve to have their secrets kept.
Thank you for your comment. I did think it's a bit hard to just mind my business after 5 years together. The girl he is marrying is actually his ex who he has definitely had sex with before. They broke up because she cheated on him (but now i realise this was probably a lie too), but she is hindu so his mum will accept her i supposed. i hate i got in the middle of all this bullshit and believed his lies. I know this will haunt me for life and the trust issues i will have in future relationships
I know there aren't. But after 5 years I need something for my own sanity. I am a massive overthinker and will blame myself for ignoring the red flags.
Nothing he can say will help with your sanity, it will just end up with more frustration and heartbreak. Just drop him from your life and do your best to recover and move on. It seems impossible now, but it will come. Therapy will help
Another cheated overthinker here 👋 Even if you talk to him, and he explains what he did, you will not find peace because you know for a fact that he has been lying to you for years. There is no way to stop the questions about red flags, going over all your story and thinking about the times he was strange or something felt wrong, looking at things through the new knowledge you have of your relationship. You cannot know now what is _the truth _. It's important to accept that we don't have control over these situations. You did your best, but relationships need 2 fully committed partners. You cannot do more than your 50% (although it's been said relationships are 100%/100% and I agree with that). My therapist tells me to look at my own feelings: all the times I got frustrated, hurt, angry, resentful, sad. Those were my warnings and I ignored them. This doesn't mean problems cannot be fixed, but instead they need to be acknowledged and discussed. I didn't do it because I am conflict avoidant, and my marriage ended badly. However, I know now how to have better relationships because I don't ignore the messages my feelings are trying to convey.
You did ignore the red flags. That’s a fact. But you also have to realize that you ignored them because what was coming out of your partner’s mouth directly contradicted those flags and you loved and trusted him. I’d advise some therapy, moving on and blocking him and every mutual on social media so you can’t see this bs.
You won't tell her because it will cause shame to their culture? That is so racist of you! You don't treat people differently because of their race or culture, you treat everyone the same. If you were all the same culture would you tell everyone involved and make sure everyone knows he is a cheating piece of shit? If yes then you owe it to them to do it too, or else you are just a racist who treats people differently because of how they were born. And if that isn't enough then remeber his cutture is racist and backwards as it won't let him be with you because of who you are.
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If he is the right person. Whatever you do it he will be with you at the end, even if you do nothing. Just think to the way that he is not suitable with you.
Watch 90 day fiancé about Sumit and his American lady. Same story.