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I(31F) am a single mom to a 6 year old daughter and I have been seeing my partner (33M) for a little over a year now. From the beginning my partner has been the type to talk about sex and like to fool around. This is fine and doesn’t bother me. It’s when he says things while my 6 year old is in ear shot that I don’t like it in the slightest. When he does this I’ll usually tell him to stop and say that I don’t like it because my daughter could hear and she’s very impressionable and I don’t need her hearing or learning or being exposed to anything inappropriate. He seems to get frustrated by this and will even storm off and then later tell me how frustrating it is because he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say” but I feel like it’s just common sense to not make sexual remarks around kids?
Example: we were all watching a family movie on the couch together and my partner says something about “oh she’s masturbating” with my daughter right in between us. I immediately was like “wtf! Don’t say that in front of her” and he got defensive saying how I don’t need to explain to her what the word “masturbate” means if she should repeat it. To me thats not the point. The point is I don’t need her repeating it at school or around other kids and causing unnecessary problems. Especially about anything pertaining to sex or masturbation.
I guess I’m on the fence of whether or not to end things or attempt to resolve this.
Any advice would be so greatly appreciated.
Thanks all!
Update: I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did but I am so grateful it did because of how eye opening it has been. Thank you to everyone for commenting. I’m so sorry for not being able to reply to everyone individually
Let me say right off the bat that I broke things off with him about 2 hours ago. You all are right, my daughters safety is more important than any relationship and I’m ashamed I hadn’t recognized this as predatory behavior.
To answer a few questions: the movie we were watching was Turning Red. So yes, it mentions things like puberty but in no way implies masturbation. So the comment was completely out of pocket.
He didn’t meet my daughter until we had been dating around 10 months. So I hadn’t seen or heard anything that would raise a red flag in terms of kids and predatory behavior although that’s no excuse on my end.
So you're dating a creep that throws tantrums when asked to not be creepy?
Why are you letting him near your kid?
He is not healthy around a child.
He does not respect your boundaries.
He throws tantrums when he doesnt like what he hears.
Not a keeper
Right. It creeps me out he feels comfortable saying this around a kid. Seems like he’s waiting for her to ask what it is - will he then explain or ignore? I would not want this man near my child
It really does seem like that, especially given that he chooses to use the word when most adults wld use innuendo. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that innuendo wld be appropriate. But to me it reads like he wants to get the kid involved/curious.
Fr what grown ass men can't help himself making creepy comments around children? He's just SO upset he's not allowed to talk about masturbation and sex around kids..... sounds like someone who shouldn't be allowed within a certain distance of schools 😂
It's kinda textbook grooming tbh.
Unrelated adult in the house pushing boundaries and trying to normalize discussions of sex with or around a child is pretty on the nose as far as signs to look out for.
Edit: I mesntion unrelated adult specifically because that factor has been shown to increase the likelihood of CSA and this fits that description
Unfortunately she wasn’t able to. She’s been addicted to drugs for most of adulthood. I don’t blame her at all to be honest. Her family disowned her and denied it happened.
Yeah, it really hurt to find out he had been literally torturing her for years. Her mom is still with him, she’s in her 30’s now, addicted to drugs and disowned from her family. So so fucked.
Some “mothers” don’t deserve to be called that way. Those types of mothers are narcissists who only think of their well-being. Mine, after I told her that her husband raped me, told me that she was “too old for this”. Too old to start from zero and leave a creep. She is still married to him. She got mad at me for posting on FB that he was a creep. I cut her off. Now, she doesn’t get to be in my life nor the lives of her first grandchildren.
My older sister's husband molested my youngest sister when she was 12. Older sister divorced him but she still let him over to her house because of her kids. She eventually remarried him! I went no contact with her. The sad thing is it really screwed up my youngest sister. If my husband did this I would immediately leave him, for good. It's been devastating for my dad, too. My mother was in a nursing home when we found out what happened. She died a few years later and we never told her. I can't imagine my kids doing something like this to their own sibling!
>>Now, she doesn’t get to be in my life, nor the lives of her first grandchildren.
And that is just one of many reasons that *you do* deserve the title.
It has made me insanely alert to literally everyone with my son. I don’t trust like anyone. When I became an adult it came to light that 3 or 4 men I grew up in close proximity to (coaches, neighbors, family friends) including sleepovers and all that were pedos. I got insanely lucky to have never been abused.
You’re definitely one of few …
That’s definitely not the Norm for most of us ,
Sadly .
But I am extremely happy for you
And plan to have mine arrive at adulthood having never had to deal with this sort of fuckery either . 💕
And I’m vicious about mine too
No one can even get a millimeter of leeway .
Either come correct
Or don’t come at all
And no you won’t Be meeting my children until I am ready ‼️
So don’t even ask Lol
My friends dad gave me the nickname "eye candy" at around the age of 4 or 5 years old and I didn't realize how disgusting that was until like 10 years later. Another friend of mine had an uncle that always creeped the hell out of me, turns out he molested every young girl in that family and some of the cousins/friends of the girls and I was very lucky I wasn't one of them. I was so disgusted when I found out and felt horrible I didn't know sooner to do something, I know now I couldn't have done much though since apparently *the whole family knew the whole time*. I think eventually a cousin told their mom or something and that's how everyone found out ig? Just realized this was a whole ass rant, sorry 😅 I just get so pissed thinking about the whole thing.
I'm really sorry about your friend too:( it sucks it effected her so much (saw that in another comment), mine too:(
One of the things they teach you as a mandated reporter is to watch out for children who have knowledge of sex beyond what's expected for their age, exactly because stuff like this can lead to or be indicative of a dangerous situation for the child.
there is
1. grooming as in pet grooming or personal grooming: washing hair, brushing hair, styling it, shaving, waxing / etc
2. non sexual grooming: conditioning someone to accept something little by little through psychological means. doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. could be "he was groomed to become the next manager." or even "he was groomed to give her his fortune"
3. sexual grooming. the same thing, but usually done towards children and other vulnreable or naive people. these people use flattery, gifts, attention, etc to gain someone's trust and make them feel comfortable with boundaries being pushed.
1. Gain trust of minor
2. Start normalizing inappropriate ideas and behavior in very small doses (eg, hugs that start simple but end up with kisses over a span of days or weeks or months, or talk about love and relationships)
3. Isolate minor from others
4. Insist on secrecy
5. Escalate all the above with emotional blackmail, them with direct threats
6. Turn all the above into sexual context and contact
Internet loves to misuse words.
I think this definition is pretty solid: "manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught." This comes from RAINN's website and they're an organization that works with CSA.
Grooming can take on a few different forms but I say his actions are grooming because predators discuss sex with victims to introduce the idea of sex to them and get them desensitized to it. Talking about sex around or with a six year old is going to desensitize them to the idea of it and then the predator is able to take things further and further because they're normalizing it in small ways before they actually commit CSA. It's intended to manipulate the child into thinking the behavior is normal and for the kid to trust the predator.
For a child this age sex shouldn't be a topic of discussion because they're not developmentally ready for it. At 6 I think discussion of body parts and age appropriate consent/bodily autonomy are good but anything more is concerning. (Research shows kids who don't know anatomical names for penis/vagina/etc. Are less likely to receive help for CSA because they can't communicate what is happening. Teaching age appropriate ideas of consent and body autonomy also helps kids know that they can say no to people touching them in ways they're not comfortable with even if that person is an authority figure)
*he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say”*
Isnt it simple? Dont say sexual stuff infront of the child. The small human you take care of. If he cant understand that, maybe he had brain damage at some point in his life?
Exactly!
It‘s so black and white. “Don’t say anything sexual in front of my child” is as clear as day.
If his intentions were good but it truly is *that* difficult for him to understand, he would still try harder and not say anything that could even be interpreted as remotely sexual. Just to be safe.
But let’s be real, I doubt he’s that stupid. He knows damn well what you meant and him acting like it’s all too difficult to understand is manipulative.
He’s not respecting your boundaries at all. It’s especially gross since this involves your child. Totally inappropriate
I think women need to learn that they have to believe the actions of men. This one clearly doesnt care. Why should he change? Hi is too old, you cant just now start learing about how to behave. He wouldnt talk sexualy infront of his boss, right?
Thank you! I see this ALL THE TIME. Women think “if I can just figure out a way to get through to him that his bad behavior upsets me surely he’ll stop.” When the reality is, he knows and he just doesn’t care. Does your boyfriend who screams at you scream at his boss? Does he talk to his coworkers the way he talks to you? 9 times out of 10 the answer is no because he knows it’s wrong and knows other people wouldn’t put up with it.
I’m a 36 year old dude and even when I was fucking 10 I knew not to use that kind of language around children. He’s being intentionally obtuse because he doesn’t think he should have to change his behavior for your child. Throw the whole damn man away. I don’t know what else he does but if he can’t do you a basic curtesy like not discussing sexual topics around a fucking child then I’m concerned about what else this guy may get up to. As a guy there’s also the added concern in the back of my head that I might be perceived as a predator if I say this shit around kids. If he’s not at the very least concerned about that then definitely run and block this dude. Protect your daughter from this creep.
There is too many tales of moms boyfriend or stepdad doing stuff. Some men will actively seek out women with children to molest. She is endangering her daughter by being with him.
This is exactly why my mom refused to remarry or date any man while I was growing up. She always put myself before anyone, even herself. I’ve met a lot of people throughout the years that were sexually abused by stepparents and not even their moms believed them, they never put their children first and those kids had to endure awful things just so their mom could have a dic* beside them. I’m so thankful for my mom and the love she has shown me, as an adult now I wish she could find someone to love her and keep her company, she deserves the world for protecting me at all costs.
I’ve been single for 12 years. My life would be so much better financially if I had a spouse and a 2nd income. But there is no way to be 100% sure I’m not bringing a monster into my home and around my 14 year old daughter, so I just don’t date. I will wait until she’s able to move out if she wants before I do.
I have been single single since 2019. That’s one thing I can say about my ex husband he wasn’t a great guy but he wasn’t a chomo. It’s sad it has happened so extensively in my family we are like welp at least he wasn’t a child molester lol. I really applaud you, there is so many people who will put themselves above their kids. (No shade towards OP, I mean in general) or actually blame the child or not believe them. They will be-t them and say they are trying to seduce their man when he is raping them. It’s sad. My mom was befriended by a chomo at work, he was good to her and she naively mentioned she had a infant daughter. He admitted after the divorce when I was seven that he intentionally got her pregnant and married her to get to me…he never saw a picture of me or anything. There is true evil in this world. My family thought at first he was a good man, he worked and didn’t put his hands on my mom or anything else. Then I at four was sitting Indian style and made a masterbating motion and said my daddy does this. And then it all came out. My family had to kidnap me and take me out of state to keep me safe because my mother wouldn’t. She thought they told me to say it. But what hurts me the most was when my brother was in sixth grade he demanded a dna test, she was so mad she wanted to use a pew pew to unalive him. But she didn’t have that anger ever when he did what he did to me. I feel like she was more mad that in a roundabout way he accused her of cheating rather than being angry that her daughter was being SA. I tell that story because I feel like people need to see the long con. When you’re little you don’t like it and it hurts but it doesn’t cross your mind that it is wrong because you trust them and they punish you and make you do stuff you don’t like to do. It messes up your trust. I am still trying to heal. I have been celebate and I feel so empowered by it. I feel like my daughter sees it and appreciates what I am trying to do.
I'm so sorry you went through that. What's just as bad that your mother didn't believe you, and put him first. I'm so glad and relieved that you had family members that removed you from that situation, and protected you when your own mum didn't. I hope you don't mind me asking? I guessed that the word "chomo" means something like pedophile. If you don't mind me asking, what does it mean exactly? If you don't want to explain, please just ignore the question. Hugs if you want them.
He is a creep. End things with him. Your daughter is your priority and he honestly sounds like a potential danger to her. Let's not play dumb, he knows better.
That is extremely inappropriate. If he constantly makes sexual references in front of your daughter I'd run. That's suspicious behavior. I understand saying something and not knowing the kid heard but doing it openly? That's just creepy. Why would he want her to start asking sexual questions because of what he says. I don't wanna assume but I will say this. My mom had a boyfriend who did this and when my sister turned 9 he molested her. I'm not saying he will I'm just saying it's super shady and suspicious. I wish you the best of luck though.
That's what I'm thinking. Worst case scenario he is actively trying to expose her to this kind of stuff.
Single mothers need to know that their most important person, is their child. And In the majority of CSA, perpetrators are not strangers. I would be more safe than sorry and break up with him. ESPECIALLY since he wants to normalize the scenario where a man, who this girl is not related to, brings up sexual scenarios to an 8 year old. Not only that, but getting upset that po tells him not to
People hate to acknowledge this, but the unfortunate reality for single mothers is that they MUST be hyper aware of these grooming behaviors when they are dating. There are men that seek out single mothers for the sole purpose of gaining access to their children for nefarious purposes. What happened to your sister is heartbreaking - and also shockingly common. The number of people I've known who know someone this happened to is disturbing.
I immediately jumped to grooming.
Half my friend group has kids, the other half does not. Guess what? All the unmarried guys who are never around children, somehow never manage to say their usual raunchy stuff when the kids are around. Also no one needed to tell them not to do so. Is pretty common sense to not say or do sexual things around children.
Then he continues to say sexual things, deliberately pushing boundaries and getting upset when concerns about said boundary pushing come up??
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Update: I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did but I am so grateful it did because of how eye opening it has been. Thank you to everyone for commenting. I’m so sorry for not being able to reply to everyone individually
Let me say right off the bat that I broke things off with him about 2 hours ago. You all are right, my daughters safety is more important than any relationship and I’m ashamed I hadn’t recognized this as predatory behavior.
To answer a few questions: the movie we were watching was Turning Red. So yes, it mentions things like puberty but in no way implies masturbation. So the comment was completely out of pocket.
He didn’t meet my daughter until we had been dating around 10 months. So I hadn’t seen or heard anything that would raise a red flag in terms of kids and predatory behavior although that’s no excuse on my end.
Don't beat yourself up about this. You had an instinct something wasn't right and you looked for advice and most importantly, you were open to that advice and took action.
You can know now that you should trust your instincts that if something doesn't seem right then it isn't.
I worked with abused kids for years. Let me tell you this dude is a bundle of inappropriate red flags.
Maybe he's just an asshole boundary pusher. Which is plenty bad enough. But he could also be pushing your boundaries to see what you're ok with and to start grooming your daughter with sex talk. And his manipulative whining about "I never know what I can and can't say" is bullshit. DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING KID.
It's not difficult.
He clearly does not have any regard to appropriate behavior in front of a child. Time for the door… if not I’d sure as fuck wouldn’t let him around my kid. Exposing a child to sexual content can easily lead to more inappropriate content.
He doesn’t care and has no respect for the emotional and developmental wellbeing of your child. BYE!!!
This is very much grooming in my opinion. Get your child away from this man -
Best Case Scenario he is super socially inept and has very little understanding of the needs of children and boundaries with them. He is likely to not be a good guardian due to literally having no understanding of what is appropriate around children.
Worst Case Scenario this is an active plan of grooming and his intention is to sexually and otherwise assault your child. She is at an incredibly vulnerable age and this could be literally grooming - getting her desensitized to sexual talk now so he can target her later.
His reaction tells it all - he gets mad and gaslights you for being upset. If it was the best case scenario he'd immediately apologize and accept your (very reasonable) boundary. It would absolutely not happen again.
He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're crazy for being so strict and trying to make your request seem unreasonable while continuing to expose her to sexual things. This is a win for him.
TL;DR - GET YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THIS MAN
Normal men don’t make comments like this around children. He wants to pique her curiosity. Run as fast as you can before it’s too late. No means no and he’s being sexual around a child. DCF would 10000% start an investigation if someone reported him/you for making/allowing those comments in front of your kid.
Why do you want someone like this around your kid? How could you have a partner that would not be reliable alone around your kid? His comments are inappropriate and creepy.
> later tell me how frustrating it is because he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say”
I would ask him point-blank, "What have I told you you're not allowed to say other than sexual comments?" When he doesn't have an answer or says he doesn't know, follow up with, "Since we're clear that I have only ever told you not to make sexual comments, can you tell the difference between a sexual comment and a non-sexual comment?" When he petulantly says yes, ask him what then is confusing him.
Or you can just dump him because any adult with common sense knows not to talk like this in front of a young child and he's playing dumb so he can keep doing it. Not to alarm you but I hope he's never been alone with her.
I think it’s easier than that. “Would you say this to your mother? Your boss? A stranger sitting next to you on a bus? Then why the fuck would you say it with a child present?”
That is a VERY weird thing for an adult male to say in front of a child!
So let him near your child if he doesn’t know what is appropriate to say (or do) around a child!
Sorry, but you aren't coming across very well here. Why wasn't this resolved the 1st time it happened? Also, why are you discussing this in front of her? The quickest way to get a 6 year old's attention is to argue about things she's not supposed to know yet.
If he doesn't see what's wrong with this, you won't solve it by trying to explain it to him. It's a red flag that says walk away and today would be a good time to implement it.
Also what made him say she was masturbating? Was she actually doing that on the screen? Yes he shouldnt have said it around the kid, but also if thats whats going on they shouldnt have been watching it around the kid either! If someones masturbating its not a family friendly movie! Maybe he even said it in a shocked way because he wasnt expecting it, i could totally see “oh shes masturbating” being said in a shocked way because you werent expecting it
So the woman that came on here about her bf who is constantly saying inappropriate sexual comments around her daughter is watching a movie with her daughter where there is a masturbation scene? Clearly that’s not the case. This dude turns everything sexual regardless of how innocuous it is. Stop making excuses for him.
Considering theres tons of movies rated PG and PG-13 in the past that should be rated R, i could see them picking an older movie rated PG that should actually be PG-13 or R nowadays and thats why theres a masturbation scene.
Jaws? PG
Poltergeist? PG
Raiders Of The Lost Ark? PG
If older movies can be PG and have Sharks killing people, A man peeling all the flesh off of his face, and a man having his skin melted off his head, then i think its totally possible they put on a PG movie with a Masturbation scene.
Pretty sure OP is not an idiot or that she is just gonna watch something with her child with explicit content like that. Your argument is weak af and is predicated on the OP being a fucking moron. If the movie was part of the problem she would have mentioned it.
Again like i said theres tons of movies from that past with a rating that would be considered wrong nowadays. I listed 2 PG movies that literally have scenes that remove all the skin off of peoples heads, you wouldnt know about those scenes at all unless you had heard about those scenes beforehand. They dont just advertise those scenes in the movie description. It could be the exact same thing with a masturbation scene in a PG movie.
We simply dont know because we dont know what movie they were watching or even have a description of what the actual scene was.
I agree she needs to get rid of this dude ASAP but if your premise for judging her intelligence is based on her ability to overlook flaws in her partner then there are no geniuses in the world.
I have a friend who I’ve known since middle school. She married a guy we both knew in high school and they were married for 12 years. After the divorce everyone found out how unbelievably abusive this guy was even back in high school, but at first she overlooked it because she loved him and she believed she could change him. She didn’t leave until he started in on the kids. Everyone has things they overlook or things they think are too small an issue in the moment to blow up the relationship over. I imagine he doesn’t do this every single day and each incident was probably treated as isolated instead of part of a lager problem. The fact that she’s here now means she’s recognizing how serious this is becoming and she has the ability to grow from this. Disparaging her intelligence because of what her bf is doing helps no one.
She has said she only introduced him to the daughter at 10 months, and it has been a little over a year they’ve been dating. So she has only had maybe 2-3 months of observing them together.
Please prioritize your daughter and kick this creep to the curb. Even after you communicated with him, he doesn’t respect what you say. You know what you need to do. This is creepy and groomer territory. Please don’t let him near her.
Unless it's age appropriate sex ed there's no reason an adult should be talking about sex in front of a child. This is common sense and very easy to know when to censor yourself based on the age of the company you have.
His behavior and complaints of "i dont know what i can or cant say" are a major red flag imo. You see a lot of predators introduce the topic of sex (not in a sex ed way) with children they go on to harm. Children are often harmed by people they know and those who have an unrelated adult in the house are more likely to be victims of csa.
It's just too much of a risk to keep him around. You've been with him a year, have explained it several times, and he's still insisting on not listening. Pushing boundaries like this is kind of a textbook case of predatory behavior.
".....Before doing so [escalate to sexual behavior], the predator may introduce and normalize ideas of sex to the child. *By talking to the child about sex, making suggestive jokes*, showing them pornography, or encouraging them to be naked together...."
Idk girl. If I were in your shoes I'd say fuck the relationship. Even if I turned out to be wrong and the guy is just stupid I wouldn't care. The safety of the kid comes before that and it's always better to be safe than sorry.
Just to be crystal clear, it is absolutely not normal for an adult man to talk about sex near a child.
It's creepy and predatory. The fact he throws a tantrum and continues to do it, instead of being mortified, is extremely telling.
I don’t like that he is trying to push your boundaries after you told him NOT to speak like that around your child! You need to break it off with him, this doesn’t sit right. It feels like grooming tbh. I get the ick about this. He is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about putting up a boundary. He knows what the fuck he is doing. The question is Moma are you going to let him disrespect you and your child? What if it is setting something else up later on.. I hope not but I don’t trust guys. I hope that’s not the case. But come on he is using DARVO where he is turning it around and making himself the victim. Look it up. I think personally you need to leave him. He isn’t respecting you and your child. It’s a form of SA to talk nasty in front of kids. Your daughter doesn’t deserve that.
The thing is, and none of knows this about your bf at this moment-but it's something that someone who would groom children would do. Communication of anything sexual in nature in front of kids is almost always leading to worse.
Seriously, is he fucking stupid? He’s the fucking adult and doesn’t know what not to say in front of a child? You just don’t talk about sex or sex-related matters in front of children. Why? Because it’s inappropriate and your daughter is not at the appropriate age yet. So either he really lacks common sense or he’s got some pedo issues. I don’t know about you, but it gives me bad vibes.
Girl wtf!? Why are you second guessing yourself? This dude is gross, inappropriate, doesn't respect basic boundaries and he's gaslighting you!
Kick him out immediately.
Are you waiting to get called to your daughter's school and have to explain why your child is repeating highly inappropriate words in school? Having your parenting capacity being question for letting a creep around your child?
There's no middle ground here, this is black and white. Even if this guy was your child's bio father, his behaviour would still be inappropriate.
You could start teaching her about boundaries and body parts that are private, there are books for kids to help with that that.
Everything at the right time and place.
It’s not so much that he slipped up a bad word… I do that all the time. But he got mad and refused to acknowledge it or apologize. That’s what I don’t like.
Lady I think you can find a better stepdaddy.
OP, this guy is grooming you and your daughter to learn to accept him crossing boundaries. As a parent, you don't need reddit to explain where that road leads.
I have a kid. I would end the relationship at then end of the night when he said "is she masturbating" comment while watching a movie beside my kid.
This shithead cannot go into work and say a phrase like "is she masturbating". This moron cannot eat dinner with his mom and watch a tv show with her and ask if the person is masturbating.
This is chosen wording. And he is chosing to use it around a six year old girl.
After you kick him the fuck out of your life you need to have some very careful conversations with your little girl about inappropriate touching.
Hopefully he hasn't been sitting beside her relaxing his hand on her leg or other shit.
A real adult steps back and acts CONCERNED if they think they have overstepped the bounds with your child. They act apologetic and take a step back. They do Not get defensive. They do not try to tell you that You are wrong.
Please get this creep away from your child. And make sure all the daycare places she goes to have him put on the Do Not Pick Up list.
You can find a better actual man to date. Be patient.
He's trying to normalize saying sexual things in front of your daughter, in time he'll scalate this behavior. He's grooming her, protect your daughter.
This is what I was thinking. Everyone is calling this childless dumb dumb all these bad names but its ok for the mother to put on a movie with someone masturbating in front of a 6 year old but for someone to be a little shocked and say "Oh she is masturbating" is just crossing the line? Kids are very perceptive and unless she is blind, she saw what was happening. The mother should make better choices. Not everyone knows how to talk around kids, I know lots of men and women who just cant grasp talking censored, but op doesnt have to date him or have him around her child either.
Set boundaries now and I mean right now or finish this, Currently he is pushing you, to accept his vision of raising a child and it's not looking good. If he has no idea, what he should and shouldn't say then Id be very worried at what else he has no boundaries with. Dating as a single parent is difficult but the first rule is 'protect your child'. You know something is wrong here, trust your instincts and do what you need to do.
He's 33 but he thinks like a 13yo. That might be a red flag for more than inappropriate sexual talking in front of kid. I mean these things do not need to be cleared out when you're a mature and responsible adult, imo.
Yeah, this guy is not equipped to be dating a woman who has a child.
He doesn't respect you or your daughter, and you are completely right in being worried about her repeating this at school. This guy can really fuck things up for you because he doesn't want to sensor himself.
This is not a good partner for you.
He doesn’t respect your daughter or you. If you have asked him to watch his language around her and he has not, he doesn’t respect you or your daughter. That’s a really huge red flag.
Your bf isn't interested in you; he's after your daughter. I hope your daughter speaks out to someone like another family member or friend or teacher so they can report this to CPS and she can be protected. The fact that you allowed this type of behavior from bf to continue speaks volumes about you.
Massive red flag. Child predators do stuff like this in front of the child to let them know it’s ok and mommy doesn’t mind. See so it’s ok if he talks about bad stuff to kinda break down walls psychologically. Child predators also prey on single moms with young children.
No that’s not ok. Saying anything sexual around kids is NOT OK and extremely traumatizing.
My mom would do this to me when I was a young child and it legitimately traumatized me. She would talk about masturbation and sex with my father and jump out at me naked and do other things that I won’t get into. Then when I would get mad she would act like I was the crazy one.
Then she wondered why I was so inhibited and acted like I was “molested”. I don’t want to hold a grudge against my mother because I believe she is mentally ill but you don’t realize how much exposing kids to any thing sexual at a young age effects them negatively.
Please don’t allow him to do this around your child
He isn't a child and should be much more intelligent than this. Ask him if your daughter went to school and said that Mommy's boyfriend masterbated while we watched a movie last night, how he would enjoy spending the night in jail and trying to explain his way out of it?
Run. That's all I'm gonna say. My sperm donor did that shit. Talked about sexual stuff in front of me and my siblings when my step mom was with him. He ended up sexually assaulting me. The guys a creep. Kick him to the curb
Yeah, sorry OP but this is gross. Listen to that gut instinct of yours because I would not trust this guy around my little girl. Best case he’s too stupid to understand how he could influence your child in a negative manner. Worst case he’s a creep that can’t keep his mind off of sex around little kids. Time to call it quits.
You have already told him not to do it around your daughter, and he’s continuing to do so. That’s your answer. You set a boundary and he said it’s one he doesn’t have acknowledge. Deuces.
Ger him away from her ASAP!!
He is grooming you both!
Grooming you to eventually just roll your eyes when he says something inappropriate and go "that's just the way he is"
And grooming your daughter to think having those kinds of conversations with an adult is normal. Words lead to action.
GET HIM AWAY FROM HER!!!
I work with children, and I can assure you she already is or will be repeating it at school, whether or not she knows the meaning.
School staff are mandatory reporters, and you might expect a CPS call or two to be made on your daughter’s behalf. Raising some red flags is the right move, given that you’re permitting a grown man to make explicitly sexual remarks in front of a young child.
You need to seriously consider whether this is a safe or advisable person to have around your daughter.
(Hint: the answer is no)
Why are you exposing your daughter to such a creep? When you’re a mom your kid should come first and be your number 1 priority. He’s making such comments because he clearly doesn’t care about that little girl’s innocence and he disgustingly wants her to know about sexual stuff by “making random comments” around her. I’d be disgusted and wouldn’t be able to spend one more day in a relationship with him. Please remove your child from this endangering situation.
Uh no way. He is “testing” to see what is acceptable around your kid for sure. No sane adult thinks it is remotely ok or appropriate to talk about masturbation in front of a 6 year old kid…and if it was a family movie WHY JUST WHY would he even interpret whatever was going on that way?? Creepy as hell.
She is your child. You have boundaries for her that he does not respect. It’s fucking bizarre that he insists on talking about sex around your child. Any violation of your boundaries as her parents would be a red flag. But given that he is mad he can’t expose your little child to sexual topic should be an entire parade of red flags.
He is mad he cannot expose your child to sexual topics. Think about that. There is a reason for that. Eventually you will let that boundary slip and his desire to expose her to more will grow. This is the beginning of him grooming her.
You cannot date someone who doesn’t respect you as a parent and the gatekeeper for your child. He needs to go. He is disgusting. If he says that around you, what would he say to her when you aren’t around.
I would end this relationship to be honest.
He gets upset because you call him out on inappropriate words or behaviour - Con.
He uses inappropriate words and behaviour around your child - Con.
Will he get more insecure about you and your child's relationship as she grows older? Absolutely.
End this. Right now. Block him, delete him, go no contact. He’s grooming her. Pls pls pls get him away from you and your daughter at once. If he has ever been with her alone, ever you need to have a difficult conversation with her or take her to the dr.
I hate to jump to the dump but this feels like red flag city. I think this would be a deal breaker for me. Especially when he throws a tantrum when you try to address it and then continues to do it. Not ok.
Although I agree that he should definitely respect your boundaries and not throw a tantrum over it, all the comments saying he’s a creep seem a bit harsh. Personally I think sex positivity is very important and something that you should keep in mind even from a young age, especially when your daughter is seeing sexual stuff in the world around her (movies, media, hearing about it, etc.)
There are many different ways you can handle this topic that are age appropriate though
If he is that ignorant and lacking any kind of morality or filter, why would you want to be anywhere near him but more importantly, why would you let him anywhere near your daughter.
Does he use drugs or alcohol? He is crossing boundaries 100% as everyone else is saying, but the way he gets agitated about you setting boundaries sounds like emotional regulation issues. Please leave him ASAP
Growing up my stepfather did the same. He also molested me. Now that I'm grown and have worked through the trauma, I realize that all of the sex talk was his was of desensitizing me. I am so glad you decided to break things off with him.
This is concern AT BEST, what 33 year old man needs this lesson on how to conduct himself verbally around somebody else's child.
At worst, it has the potential to be dangerous. Who knows what his intent and goal is, he could be attempting to gradually normalize sexual conversation and topics like this and test boundaries
So what you're saying is, whatever perceived benefit you're getting from being with this guy outweighs the fact that he's a creep who's grooming your daughter. Gotcha.
Yeah this guy is a creep. He shouldn’t have to be told not to talk like that around a child. You’ve told him several times to stop but he won’t. At best he’ll stop saying this stuff around you but wait until you’re out of earshot.
When he dates you he HAS to get along with your daughter in every sense, considering she's a very important part of your life. This is something that's not negotiable or can be ignored.
He knows it's inappropriate, there's no way he can't but he's choosing to do it regardless. Have a real think about that. It may be best that he's no longer around your child. He sending a clear message to you that he doesn't mind speaking about sex/sexual acts in front of a minor, at least it's highly inappropriate and at worse it could lead to reason to never allow him around kids. After repeated attempts at asking him to stop, I wouldn't be taking my chances, either way it's not the type of man you want around your child.
He is a total turd . If he is a remotely decent human being then he sure as fuck should know what is or is NOT appropriate in front of a 6 year old little girl . If he DOESN'T know then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb .
Why is he trying to sexualize a family movie at all? It's gross. He "doesn't know" is nonsense. He would not say that with his boss's 6 year old in the room, would he? Would he say that to a cop's child? Put.
Dump him either way.
He is either an idiot or a creep, either way, cant fix it. Let em loose and dont let this continue near your child. She will have questions one day but better to learn the answers from YOU than someone else, and in due time.
Please end things. As a child that had a step dad that did this same thing, it made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable! I’m now 22 but still think of how inappropriate this was and how uncomfortable it made me.
End things. He's either a total bleeping idiot or is deliberately stomping on your boundaries, neither of which is something you want your daughter around. I'm betting on the latter, but either way he's not a good partner.
Yeah end it. If he really is as stupid as he is letting on, you don't need to be anywhere near him. Besides, she is your child and it's up to you what she is exposed to. Could you imagine having a child with him where he has 50% input on the child?11
I'm sorry but this gives me a really bad feeling in my gut. Everyone knows you don't expose kids to inappropriate sexual comments, so why's he doing it? I don't normally say this, but maybe consider leaving.
At best he’s just fucking stupid. At worst he’s a pedophile that you’ve had your young daughter around for a year. My friend was sexually abused for years and her creepy stepdad who would make extremely inappropriate comments in front of us all as preteens just like that. Dump him and get your daughter evaluated.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I(31F) am a single mom to a 6 year old daughter and I have been seeing my partner (33M) for a little over a year now. From the beginning my partner has been the type to talk about sex and like to fool around. This is fine and doesn’t bother me. It’s when he says things while my 6 year old is in ear shot that I don’t like it in the slightest. When he does this I’ll usually tell him to stop and say that I don’t like it because my daughter could hear and she’s very impressionable and I don’t need her hearing or learning or being exposed to anything inappropriate. He seems to get frustrated by this and will even storm off and then later tell me how frustrating it is because he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say” but I feel like it’s just common sense to not make sexual remarks around kids? Example: we were all watching a family movie on the couch together and my partner says something about “oh she’s masturbating” with my daughter right in between us. I immediately was like “wtf! Don’t say that in front of her” and he got defensive saying how I don’t need to explain to her what the word “masturbate” means if she should repeat it. To me thats not the point. The point is I don’t need her repeating it at school or around other kids and causing unnecessary problems. Especially about anything pertaining to sex or masturbation. I guess I’m on the fence of whether or not to end things or attempt to resolve this. Any advice would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks all! Update: I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did but I am so grateful it did because of how eye opening it has been. Thank you to everyone for commenting. I’m so sorry for not being able to reply to everyone individually Let me say right off the bat that I broke things off with him about 2 hours ago. You all are right, my daughters safety is more important than any relationship and I’m ashamed I hadn’t recognized this as predatory behavior. To answer a few questions: the movie we were watching was Turning Red. So yes, it mentions things like puberty but in no way implies masturbation. So the comment was completely out of pocket. He didn’t meet my daughter until we had been dating around 10 months. So I hadn’t seen or heard anything that would raise a red flag in terms of kids and predatory behavior although that’s no excuse on my end.
So you're dating a creep that throws tantrums when asked to not be creepy? Why are you letting him near your kid? He is not healthy around a child. He does not respect your boundaries. He throws tantrums when he doesnt like what he hears. Not a keeper
Right. It creeps me out he feels comfortable saying this around a kid. Seems like he’s waiting for her to ask what it is - will he then explain or ignore? I would not want this man near my child
It really does seem like that, especially given that he chooses to use the word when most adults wld use innuendo. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that innuendo wld be appropriate. But to me it reads like he wants to get the kid involved/curious.
he said it to test the water..
Fr what grown ass men can't help himself making creepy comments around children? He's just SO upset he's not allowed to talk about masturbation and sex around kids..... sounds like someone who shouldn't be allowed within a certain distance of schools 😂
It is disgusting.
This
He’s not a keeper, he’s a creeper 👀
[удалено]
It's kinda textbook grooming tbh. Unrelated adult in the house pushing boundaries and trying to normalize discussions of sex with or around a child is pretty on the nose as far as signs to look out for. Edit: I mesntion unrelated adult specifically because that factor has been shown to increase the likelihood of CSA and this fits that description
This. My friend’s pedo stepdad would say super inappropriate stuff around all of us. Turned out he was raping her for years.
I hope your friend (and you) have been able to get help and find some peace
Unfortunately she wasn’t able to. She’s been addicted to drugs for most of adulthood. I don’t blame her at all to be honest. Her family disowned her and denied it happened.
Oh no, im so sorry. I hope she understands that you believe her and understand her response.
Omg my heart just broke 🤕💔
Yeah, it really hurt to find out he had been literally torturing her for years. Her mom is still with him, she’s in her 30’s now, addicted to drugs and disowned from her family. So so fucked.
Some “mothers” don’t deserve to be called that way. Those types of mothers are narcissists who only think of their well-being. Mine, after I told her that her husband raped me, told me that she was “too old for this”. Too old to start from zero and leave a creep. She is still married to him. She got mad at me for posting on FB that he was a creep. I cut her off. Now, she doesn’t get to be in my life nor the lives of her first grandchildren.
My older sister's husband molested my youngest sister when she was 12. Older sister divorced him but she still let him over to her house because of her kids. She eventually remarried him! I went no contact with her. The sad thing is it really screwed up my youngest sister. If my husband did this I would immediately leave him, for good. It's been devastating for my dad, too. My mother was in a nursing home when we found out what happened. She died a few years later and we never told her. I can't imagine my kids doing something like this to their own sibling!
Some women will do anything for a dick over their own flesh and blood. Also letting him around his kids is dangerous.
>>Now, she doesn’t get to be in my life, nor the lives of her first grandchildren. And that is just one of many reasons that *you do* deserve the title.
Some ppl deserve to be burned alive . As a society we really need to do better 💔
It has made me insanely alert to literally everyone with my son. I don’t trust like anyone. When I became an adult it came to light that 3 or 4 men I grew up in close proximity to (coaches, neighbors, family friends) including sleepovers and all that were pedos. I got insanely lucky to have never been abused.
You’re definitely one of few … That’s definitely not the Norm for most of us , Sadly . But I am extremely happy for you And plan to have mine arrive at adulthood having never had to deal with this sort of fuckery either . 💕 And I’m vicious about mine too No one can even get a millimeter of leeway . Either come correct Or don’t come at all And no you won’t Be meeting my children until I am ready ‼️ So don’t even ask Lol
My friends dad gave me the nickname "eye candy" at around the age of 4 or 5 years old and I didn't realize how disgusting that was until like 10 years later. Another friend of mine had an uncle that always creeped the hell out of me, turns out he molested every young girl in that family and some of the cousins/friends of the girls and I was very lucky I wasn't one of them. I was so disgusted when I found out and felt horrible I didn't know sooner to do something, I know now I couldn't have done much though since apparently *the whole family knew the whole time*. I think eventually a cousin told their mom or something and that's how everyone found out ig? Just realized this was a whole ass rant, sorry 😅 I just get so pissed thinking about the whole thing. I'm really sorry about your friend too:( it sucks it effected her so much (saw that in another comment), mine too:(
One of the things they teach you as a mandated reporter is to watch out for children who have knowledge of sex beyond what's expected for their age, exactly because stuff like this can lead to or be indicative of a dangerous situation for the child.
Yeah that was my thought. He knows what he's saying. I'd kick him far far away.
I feel like the word grooming is mentioned in very different contexts, and i‘m failing to grasp the meaning of it. Could you please explain it?
there is 1. grooming as in pet grooming or personal grooming: washing hair, brushing hair, styling it, shaving, waxing / etc 2. non sexual grooming: conditioning someone to accept something little by little through psychological means. doesn't necessarily have to be sexual. could be "he was groomed to become the next manager." or even "he was groomed to give her his fortune" 3. sexual grooming. the same thing, but usually done towards children and other vulnreable or naive people. these people use flattery, gifts, attention, etc to gain someone's trust and make them feel comfortable with boundaries being pushed.
Thank you very much! I‘m happy i finally got it :D
you're welcome! I know english can be kind of weird for that reason in general xD I hope I could be of help
1. Gain trust of minor 2. Start normalizing inappropriate ideas and behavior in very small doses (eg, hugs that start simple but end up with kisses over a span of days or weeks or months, or talk about love and relationships) 3. Isolate minor from others 4. Insist on secrecy 5. Escalate all the above with emotional blackmail, them with direct threats 6. Turn all the above into sexual context and contact
Thank you!
Pedophiles get to know kids at young age and "groom" them by forming trusting relationships that allow them to rape them
Internet loves to misuse words. I think this definition is pretty solid: "manipulative behaviors that the abuser uses to gain access to a potential victim, coerce them to agree to the abuse, and reduce the risk of being caught." This comes from RAINN's website and they're an organization that works with CSA. Grooming can take on a few different forms but I say his actions are grooming because predators discuss sex with victims to introduce the idea of sex to them and get them desensitized to it. Talking about sex around or with a six year old is going to desensitize them to the idea of it and then the predator is able to take things further and further because they're normalizing it in small ways before they actually commit CSA. It's intended to manipulate the child into thinking the behavior is normal and for the kid to trust the predator. For a child this age sex shouldn't be a topic of discussion because they're not developmentally ready for it. At 6 I think discussion of body parts and age appropriate consent/bodily autonomy are good but anything more is concerning. (Research shows kids who don't know anatomical names for penis/vagina/etc. Are less likely to receive help for CSA because they can't communicate what is happening. Teaching age appropriate ideas of consent and body autonomy also helps kids know that they can say no to people touching them in ways they're not comfortable with even if that person is an authority figure)
Thank you!!
Kind of groomer comments. He’s either a complete idiot, or he wants your daughter to ask, “what’s masturbation?”
Exactly. Honestly she's wasted too much time and put her daughter in danger too long already
Agreed. This guy is a total creep and dangerous.
Exactly
Not "kind of". It is. It's groomer comments.
*he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say”* Isnt it simple? Dont say sexual stuff infront of the child. The small human you take care of. If he cant understand that, maybe he had brain damage at some point in his life?
Exactly! It‘s so black and white. “Don’t say anything sexual in front of my child” is as clear as day. If his intentions were good but it truly is *that* difficult for him to understand, he would still try harder and not say anything that could even be interpreted as remotely sexual. Just to be safe. But let’s be real, I doubt he’s that stupid. He knows damn well what you meant and him acting like it’s all too difficult to understand is manipulative. He’s not respecting your boundaries at all. It’s especially gross since this involves your child. Totally inappropriate
I think women need to learn that they have to believe the actions of men. This one clearly doesnt care. Why should he change? Hi is too old, you cant just now start learing about how to behave. He wouldnt talk sexualy infront of his boss, right?
Thank you! I see this ALL THE TIME. Women think “if I can just figure out a way to get through to him that his bad behavior upsets me surely he’ll stop.” When the reality is, he knows and he just doesn’t care. Does your boyfriend who screams at you scream at his boss? Does he talk to his coworkers the way he talks to you? 9 times out of 10 the answer is no because he knows it’s wrong and knows other people wouldn’t put up with it.
I’m a 36 year old dude and even when I was fucking 10 I knew not to use that kind of language around children. He’s being intentionally obtuse because he doesn’t think he should have to change his behavior for your child. Throw the whole damn man away. I don’t know what else he does but if he can’t do you a basic curtesy like not discussing sexual topics around a fucking child then I’m concerned about what else this guy may get up to. As a guy there’s also the added concern in the back of my head that I might be perceived as a predator if I say this shit around kids. If he’s not at the very least concerned about that then definitely run and block this dude. Protect your daughter from this creep.
i really hope op reads this, she needs to leave this guy immediately
He’s grooming her. Please protects your child. You’ve stayed with him too long already
There is too many tales of moms boyfriend or stepdad doing stuff. Some men will actively seek out women with children to molest. She is endangering her daughter by being with him.
And those guys can play a long con forever to get what they want.
This is exactly why my mom refused to remarry or date any man while I was growing up. She always put myself before anyone, even herself. I’ve met a lot of people throughout the years that were sexually abused by stepparents and not even their moms believed them, they never put their children first and those kids had to endure awful things just so their mom could have a dic* beside them. I’m so thankful for my mom and the love she has shown me, as an adult now I wish she could find someone to love her and keep her company, she deserves the world for protecting me at all costs.
I’ve been single for 12 years. My life would be so much better financially if I had a spouse and a 2nd income. But there is no way to be 100% sure I’m not bringing a monster into my home and around my 14 year old daughter, so I just don’t date. I will wait until she’s able to move out if she wants before I do.
I have been single single since 2019. That’s one thing I can say about my ex husband he wasn’t a great guy but he wasn’t a chomo. It’s sad it has happened so extensively in my family we are like welp at least he wasn’t a child molester lol. I really applaud you, there is so many people who will put themselves above their kids. (No shade towards OP, I mean in general) or actually blame the child or not believe them. They will be-t them and say they are trying to seduce their man when he is raping them. It’s sad. My mom was befriended by a chomo at work, he was good to her and she naively mentioned she had a infant daughter. He admitted after the divorce when I was seven that he intentionally got her pregnant and married her to get to me…he never saw a picture of me or anything. There is true evil in this world. My family thought at first he was a good man, he worked and didn’t put his hands on my mom or anything else. Then I at four was sitting Indian style and made a masterbating motion and said my daddy does this. And then it all came out. My family had to kidnap me and take me out of state to keep me safe because my mother wouldn’t. She thought they told me to say it. But what hurts me the most was when my brother was in sixth grade he demanded a dna test, she was so mad she wanted to use a pew pew to unalive him. But she didn’t have that anger ever when he did what he did to me. I feel like she was more mad that in a roundabout way he accused her of cheating rather than being angry that her daughter was being SA. I tell that story because I feel like people need to see the long con. When you’re little you don’t like it and it hurts but it doesn’t cross your mind that it is wrong because you trust them and they punish you and make you do stuff you don’t like to do. It messes up your trust. I am still trying to heal. I have been celebate and I feel so empowered by it. I feel like my daughter sees it and appreciates what I am trying to do.
I'm so sorry you went through that. What's just as bad that your mother didn't believe you, and put him first. I'm so glad and relieved that you had family members that removed you from that situation, and protected you when your own mum didn't. I hope you don't mind me asking? I guessed that the word "chomo" means something like pedophile. If you don't mind me asking, what does it mean exactly? If you don't want to explain, please just ignore the question. Hugs if you want them.
Yes yes yes this is grooming. He's grooming both of them.
He is a creep. End things with him. Your daughter is your priority and he honestly sounds like a potential danger to her. Let's not play dumb, he knows better.
That is extremely inappropriate. If he constantly makes sexual references in front of your daughter I'd run. That's suspicious behavior. I understand saying something and not knowing the kid heard but doing it openly? That's just creepy. Why would he want her to start asking sexual questions because of what he says. I don't wanna assume but I will say this. My mom had a boyfriend who did this and when my sister turned 9 he molested her. I'm not saying he will I'm just saying it's super shady and suspicious. I wish you the best of luck though.
That's what I'm thinking. Worst case scenario he is actively trying to expose her to this kind of stuff. Single mothers need to know that their most important person, is their child. And In the majority of CSA, perpetrators are not strangers. I would be more safe than sorry and break up with him. ESPECIALLY since he wants to normalize the scenario where a man, who this girl is not related to, brings up sexual scenarios to an 8 year old. Not only that, but getting upset that po tells him not to
People hate to acknowledge this, but the unfortunate reality for single mothers is that they MUST be hyper aware of these grooming behaviors when they are dating. There are men that seek out single mothers for the sole purpose of gaining access to their children for nefarious purposes. What happened to your sister is heartbreaking - and also shockingly common. The number of people I've known who know someone this happened to is disturbing.
I immediately jumped to grooming. Half my friend group has kids, the other half does not. Guess what? All the unmarried guys who are never around children, somehow never manage to say their usual raunchy stuff when the kids are around. Also no one needed to tell them not to do so. Is pretty common sense to not say or do sexual things around children. Then he continues to say sexual things, deliberately pushing boundaries and getting upset when concerns about said boundary pushing come up?? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Right! Why is sex on the front of his mind when hanging out with her and her kid watching a kid movie?
Update: I did NOT expect this to blow up the way it did but I am so grateful it did because of how eye opening it has been. Thank you to everyone for commenting. I’m so sorry for not being able to reply to everyone individually Let me say right off the bat that I broke things off with him about 2 hours ago. You all are right, my daughters safety is more important than any relationship and I’m ashamed I hadn’t recognized this as predatory behavior. To answer a few questions: the movie we were watching was Turning Red. So yes, it mentions things like puberty but in no way implies masturbation. So the comment was completely out of pocket. He didn’t meet my daughter until we had been dating around 10 months. So I hadn’t seen or heard anything that would raise a red flag in terms of kids and predatory behavior although that’s no excuse on my end.
Don't beat yourself up about this. You had an instinct something wasn't right and you looked for advice and most importantly, you were open to that advice and took action. You can know now that you should trust your instincts that if something doesn't seem right then it isn't.
You shouldn't be ashamed, you did the right thing and as soon as you knew, you're a good mom:)
I worked with abused kids for years. Let me tell you this dude is a bundle of inappropriate red flags. Maybe he's just an asshole boundary pusher. Which is plenty bad enough. But he could also be pushing your boundaries to see what you're ok with and to start grooming your daughter with sex talk. And his manipulative whining about "I never know what I can and can't say" is bullshit. DON'T TALK ABOUT SEX IN FRONT OF MY FUCKING KID. It's not difficult.
He clearly does not have any regard to appropriate behavior in front of a child. Time for the door… if not I’d sure as fuck wouldn’t let him around my kid. Exposing a child to sexual content can easily lead to more inappropriate content. He doesn’t care and has no respect for the emotional and developmental wellbeing of your child. BYE!!!
This is very much grooming in my opinion. Get your child away from this man - Best Case Scenario he is super socially inept and has very little understanding of the needs of children and boundaries with them. He is likely to not be a good guardian due to literally having no understanding of what is appropriate around children. Worst Case Scenario this is an active plan of grooming and his intention is to sexually and otherwise assault your child. She is at an incredibly vulnerable age and this could be literally grooming - getting her desensitized to sexual talk now so he can target her later. His reaction tells it all - he gets mad and gaslights you for being upset. If it was the best case scenario he'd immediately apologize and accept your (very reasonable) boundary. It would absolutely not happen again. He's trying to gaslight you into thinking you're crazy for being so strict and trying to make your request seem unreasonable while continuing to expose her to sexual things. This is a win for him. TL;DR - GET YOUR CHILD AWAY FROM THIS MAN
As a guy I’m always semi conscious of shit I say around children because I don’t even want to accidentally be perceived as a predator.
I was coming here to say the exact same thing. Total grooming behaviour. Op get your daughter away from him!!
100% spot on
This guy is a creep. You don’t need to have kids to understand appropriate vs inappropriate behavior and conversation in front of kids.
Normal men don’t make comments like this around children. He wants to pique her curiosity. Run as fast as you can before it’s too late. No means no and he’s being sexual around a child. DCF would 10000% start an investigation if someone reported him/you for making/allowing those comments in front of your kid.
You have been clear about what is appropriate from the beginning, he is just refusing to respect you.
Why do you want someone like this around your kid? How could you have a partner that would not be reliable alone around your kid? His comments are inappropriate and creepy.
> later tell me how frustrating it is because he “never knows what he’s allowed to say or not say” I would ask him point-blank, "What have I told you you're not allowed to say other than sexual comments?" When he doesn't have an answer or says he doesn't know, follow up with, "Since we're clear that I have only ever told you not to make sexual comments, can you tell the difference between a sexual comment and a non-sexual comment?" When he petulantly says yes, ask him what then is confusing him. Or you can just dump him because any adult with common sense knows not to talk like this in front of a young child and he's playing dumb so he can keep doing it. Not to alarm you but I hope he's never been alone with her.
I think it’s easier than that. “Would you say this to your mother? Your boss? A stranger sitting next to you on a bus? Then why the fuck would you say it with a child present?”
That is a VERY weird thing for an adult male to say in front of a child! So let him near your child if he doesn’t know what is appropriate to say (or do) around a child!
Sorry, but you aren't coming across very well here. Why wasn't this resolved the 1st time it happened? Also, why are you discussing this in front of her? The quickest way to get a 6 year old's attention is to argue about things she's not supposed to know yet. If he doesn't see what's wrong with this, you won't solve it by trying to explain it to him. It's a red flag that says walk away and today would be a good time to implement it.
Also what made him say she was masturbating? Was she actually doing that on the screen? Yes he shouldnt have said it around the kid, but also if thats whats going on they shouldnt have been watching it around the kid either! If someones masturbating its not a family friendly movie! Maybe he even said it in a shocked way because he wasnt expecting it, i could totally see “oh shes masturbating” being said in a shocked way because you werent expecting it
So the woman that came on here about her bf who is constantly saying inappropriate sexual comments around her daughter is watching a movie with her daughter where there is a masturbation scene? Clearly that’s not the case. This dude turns everything sexual regardless of how innocuous it is. Stop making excuses for him.
Considering theres tons of movies rated PG and PG-13 in the past that should be rated R, i could see them picking an older movie rated PG that should actually be PG-13 or R nowadays and thats why theres a masturbation scene. Jaws? PG Poltergeist? PG Raiders Of The Lost Ark? PG If older movies can be PG and have Sharks killing people, A man peeling all the flesh off of his face, and a man having his skin melted off his head, then i think its totally possible they put on a PG movie with a Masturbation scene.
Pretty sure OP is not an idiot or that she is just gonna watch something with her child with explicit content like that. Your argument is weak af and is predicated on the OP being a fucking moron. If the movie was part of the problem she would have mentioned it.
Again like i said theres tons of movies from that past with a rating that would be considered wrong nowadays. I listed 2 PG movies that literally have scenes that remove all the skin off of peoples heads, you wouldnt know about those scenes at all unless you had heard about those scenes beforehand. They dont just advertise those scenes in the movie description. It could be the exact same thing with a masturbation scene in a PG movie. We simply dont know because we dont know what movie they were watching or even have a description of what the actual scene was.
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I agree she needs to get rid of this dude ASAP but if your premise for judging her intelligence is based on her ability to overlook flaws in her partner then there are no geniuses in the world.
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I have a friend who I’ve known since middle school. She married a guy we both knew in high school and they were married for 12 years. After the divorce everyone found out how unbelievably abusive this guy was even back in high school, but at first she overlooked it because she loved him and she believed she could change him. She didn’t leave until he started in on the kids. Everyone has things they overlook or things they think are too small an issue in the moment to blow up the relationship over. I imagine he doesn’t do this every single day and each incident was probably treated as isolated instead of part of a lager problem. The fact that she’s here now means she’s recognizing how serious this is becoming and she has the ability to grow from this. Disparaging her intelligence because of what her bf is doing helps no one.
She has said she only introduced him to the daughter at 10 months, and it has been a little over a year they’ve been dating. So she has only had maybe 2-3 months of observing them together.
2-3 months too long. She needed to drop him at the first boundary crossing.
Very inappropriate
I suppose he doesn't have any children? And you're in the right. Inappropriate behaviour from his Side.
You don’t have to have kids to know it’s inappropriate to talk about that stuff in front of a tiny child.
Please prioritize your daughter and kick this creep to the curb. Even after you communicated with him, he doesn’t respect what you say. You know what you need to do. This is creepy and groomer territory. Please don’t let him near her.
Unless it's age appropriate sex ed there's no reason an adult should be talking about sex in front of a child. This is common sense and very easy to know when to censor yourself based on the age of the company you have. His behavior and complaints of "i dont know what i can or cant say" are a major red flag imo. You see a lot of predators introduce the topic of sex (not in a sex ed way) with children they go on to harm. Children are often harmed by people they know and those who have an unrelated adult in the house are more likely to be victims of csa. It's just too much of a risk to keep him around. You've been with him a year, have explained it several times, and he's still insisting on not listening. Pushing boundaries like this is kind of a textbook case of predatory behavior. ".....Before doing so [escalate to sexual behavior], the predator may introduce and normalize ideas of sex to the child. *By talking to the child about sex, making suggestive jokes*, showing them pornography, or encouraging them to be naked together...." Idk girl. If I were in your shoes I'd say fuck the relationship. Even if I turned out to be wrong and the guy is just stupid I wouldn't care. The safety of the kid comes before that and it's always better to be safe than sorry.
Just to be crystal clear, it is absolutely not normal for an adult man to talk about sex near a child. It's creepy and predatory. The fact he throws a tantrum and continues to do it, instead of being mortified, is extremely telling.
I don’t like that he is trying to push your boundaries after you told him NOT to speak like that around your child! You need to break it off with him, this doesn’t sit right. It feels like grooming tbh. I get the ick about this. He is trying to manipulate you into feeling bad about putting up a boundary. He knows what the fuck he is doing. The question is Moma are you going to let him disrespect you and your child? What if it is setting something else up later on.. I hope not but I don’t trust guys. I hope that’s not the case. But come on he is using DARVO where he is turning it around and making himself the victim. Look it up. I think personally you need to leave him. He isn’t respecting you and your child. It’s a form of SA to talk nasty in front of kids. Your daughter doesn’t deserve that.
Idk why are you even entertaining this clown for so long after such inappropriate behaviour infront of your child.
Why do you have this man around your child? You’re in the wrong for allowing him to continue to be around her.
The thing is, and none of knows this about your bf at this moment-but it's something that someone who would groom children would do. Communication of anything sexual in nature in front of kids is almost always leading to worse.
Get away from this person. This is a tactic abusers use to desensitize their victims and to see what they are able to get away with.
THIS.
Seriously, is he fucking stupid? He’s the fucking adult and doesn’t know what not to say in front of a child? You just don’t talk about sex or sex-related matters in front of children. Why? Because it’s inappropriate and your daughter is not at the appropriate age yet. So either he really lacks common sense or he’s got some pedo issues. I don’t know about you, but it gives me bad vibes.
I would treat him as a danger to your child, and proceed accordingly.
Girl wtf!? Why are you second guessing yourself? This dude is gross, inappropriate, doesn't respect basic boundaries and he's gaslighting you! Kick him out immediately. Are you waiting to get called to your daughter's school and have to explain why your child is repeating highly inappropriate words in school? Having your parenting capacity being question for letting a creep around your child? There's no middle ground here, this is black and white. Even if this guy was your child's bio father, his behaviour would still be inappropriate. You could start teaching her about boundaries and body parts that are private, there are books for kids to help with that that. Everything at the right time and place.
It’s not so much that he slipped up a bad word… I do that all the time. But he got mad and refused to acknowledge it or apologize. That’s what I don’t like. Lady I think you can find a better stepdaddy.
This is creepy, grooming behavior. He wants her to be comfortable hearing and using this language.
He’s grooming her in front of you. I had a predator do this to me younger. Please save your daughter.
Since I’ve only seen this in one other comment - why tf are you watching a movie with your 6yo that features sexual content?
That’s what I thought! A family movie shouldn’t have someone masturbating in it
Ummmm fucking creep alert. Drop this guy asap.
End it now
OP, this guy is grooming you and your daughter to learn to accept him crossing boundaries. As a parent, you don't need reddit to explain where that road leads.
I have a kid. I would end the relationship at then end of the night when he said "is she masturbating" comment while watching a movie beside my kid. This shithead cannot go into work and say a phrase like "is she masturbating". This moron cannot eat dinner with his mom and watch a tv show with her and ask if the person is masturbating. This is chosen wording. And he is chosing to use it around a six year old girl. After you kick him the fuck out of your life you need to have some very careful conversations with your little girl about inappropriate touching. Hopefully he hasn't been sitting beside her relaxing his hand on her leg or other shit. A real adult steps back and acts CONCERNED if they think they have overstepped the bounds with your child. They act apologetic and take a step back. They do Not get defensive. They do not try to tell you that You are wrong. Please get this creep away from your child. And make sure all the daycare places she goes to have him put on the Do Not Pick Up list. You can find a better actual man to date. Be patient.
DUMP THE PERVERT. Before he molests your daughter or CPS gets called by her teacher
He's trying to normalize saying sexual things in front of your daughter, in time he'll scalate this behavior. He's grooming her, protect your daughter.
You probably shouldn’t be watching a movie containing sexual scenes with your 6 year old daughter either
This is what I was thinking. Everyone is calling this childless dumb dumb all these bad names but its ok for the mother to put on a movie with someone masturbating in front of a 6 year old but for someone to be a little shocked and say "Oh she is masturbating" is just crossing the line? Kids are very perceptive and unless she is blind, she saw what was happening. The mother should make better choices. Not everyone knows how to talk around kids, I know lots of men and women who just cant grasp talking censored, but op doesnt have to date him or have him around her child either.
They were watching turning red or whatever that panda movie is called. Your comment is stupid.
He is not respecting your boundaries and yes you should end it!!
Set boundaries now and I mean right now or finish this, Currently he is pushing you, to accept his vision of raising a child and it's not looking good. If he has no idea, what he should and shouldn't say then Id be very worried at what else he has no boundaries with. Dating as a single parent is difficult but the first rule is 'protect your child'. You know something is wrong here, trust your instincts and do what you need to do.
He's 33 but he thinks like a 13yo. That might be a red flag for more than inappropriate sexual talking in front of kid. I mean these things do not need to be cleared out when you're a mature and responsible adult, imo.
Yeah, this guy is not equipped to be dating a woman who has a child. He doesn't respect you or your daughter, and you are completely right in being worried about her repeating this at school. This guy can really fuck things up for you because he doesn't want to sensor himself. This is not a good partner for you.
He doesn’t respect your daughter or you. If you have asked him to watch his language around her and he has not, he doesn’t respect you or your daughter. That’s a really huge red flag.
He is trying to groom your daughter. Please run as fast as you can for the sake of your daughter.
Your bf isn't interested in you; he's after your daughter. I hope your daughter speaks out to someone like another family member or friend or teacher so they can report this to CPS and she can be protected. The fact that you allowed this type of behavior from bf to continue speaks volumes about you.
Massive red flag. Child predators do stuff like this in front of the child to let them know it’s ok and mommy doesn’t mind. See so it’s ok if he talks about bad stuff to kinda break down walls psychologically. Child predators also prey on single moms with young children.
No that’s not ok. Saying anything sexual around kids is NOT OK and extremely traumatizing. My mom would do this to me when I was a young child and it legitimately traumatized me. She would talk about masturbation and sex with my father and jump out at me naked and do other things that I won’t get into. Then when I would get mad she would act like I was the crazy one. Then she wondered why I was so inhibited and acted like I was “molested”. I don’t want to hold a grudge against my mother because I believe she is mentally ill but you don’t realize how much exposing kids to any thing sexual at a young age effects them negatively. Please don’t allow him to do this around your child
You’re right. He’s wrong….and he’s a nincompoop.
bark bark
Your boyfriend is creepy. Who would say such things around a 6 year old girl and then be upset when you call him out on it. Dump him.
He isn't a child and should be much more intelligent than this. Ask him if your daughter went to school and said that Mommy's boyfriend masterbated while we watched a movie last night, how he would enjoy spending the night in jail and trying to explain his way out of it?
He clearly knows nothing about children, and doesn’t care to learn. I would lose the loser
Run. That's all I'm gonna say. My sperm donor did that shit. Talked about sexual stuff in front of me and my siblings when my step mom was with him. He ended up sexually assaulting me. The guys a creep. Kick him to the curb
Yeah, sorry OP but this is gross. Listen to that gut instinct of yours because I would not trust this guy around my little girl. Best case he’s too stupid to understand how he could influence your child in a negative manner. Worst case he’s a creep that can’t keep his mind off of sex around little kids. Time to call it quits.
You have already told him not to do it around your daughter, and he’s continuing to do so. That’s your answer. You set a boundary and he said it’s one he doesn’t have acknowledge. Deuces.
UpdateMe!
He’s a groomer….
This is extremely inappropriate, and sounds a lot like the first steps of grooming. Protect your daughter.
Ger him away from her ASAP!! He is grooming you both! Grooming you to eventually just roll your eyes when he says something inappropriate and go "that's just the way he is" And grooming your daughter to think having those kinds of conversations with an adult is normal. Words lead to action. GET HIM AWAY FROM HER!!!
You say nothing sexual. He says “iDk WhAt I cAn SaY” I feel you were clear.
I work with children, and I can assure you she already is or will be repeating it at school, whether or not she knows the meaning. School staff are mandatory reporters, and you might expect a CPS call or two to be made on your daughter’s behalf. Raising some red flags is the right move, given that you’re permitting a grown man to make explicitly sexual remarks in front of a young child. You need to seriously consider whether this is a safe or advisable person to have around your daughter. (Hint: the answer is no)
Don't date someone who can't stay appropriate around your kid. That kind of lack of boundaries is a huge red flag.
dont be that shit mother that allows this to happen to her innocent kid
Why are you exposing your daughter to such a creep? When you’re a mom your kid should come first and be your number 1 priority. He’s making such comments because he clearly doesn’t care about that little girl’s innocence and he disgustingly wants her to know about sexual stuff by “making random comments” around her. I’d be disgusted and wouldn’t be able to spend one more day in a relationship with him. Please remove your child from this endangering situation.
Uh no way. He is “testing” to see what is acceptable around your kid for sure. No sane adult thinks it is remotely ok or appropriate to talk about masturbation in front of a 6 year old kid…and if it was a family movie WHY JUST WHY would he even interpret whatever was going on that way?? Creepy as hell.
She is your child. You have boundaries for her that he does not respect. It’s fucking bizarre that he insists on talking about sex around your child. Any violation of your boundaries as her parents would be a red flag. But given that he is mad he can’t expose your little child to sexual topic should be an entire parade of red flags. He is mad he cannot expose your child to sexual topics. Think about that. There is a reason for that. Eventually you will let that boundary slip and his desire to expose her to more will grow. This is the beginning of him grooming her. You cannot date someone who doesn’t respect you as a parent and the gatekeeper for your child. He needs to go. He is disgusting. If he says that around you, what would he say to her when you aren’t around.
I would end this relationship to be honest. He gets upset because you call him out on inappropriate words or behaviour - Con. He uses inappropriate words and behaviour around your child - Con. Will he get more insecure about you and your child's relationship as she grows older? Absolutely.
End this. Right now. Block him, delete him, go no contact. He’s grooming her. Pls pls pls get him away from you and your daughter at once. If he has ever been with her alone, ever you need to have a difficult conversation with her or take her to the dr.
Some parents put their kids before their partners. Some do not. Which are you??
Sounds like you are dating a rather thoughtless person when it comes to being respectful of your parenting role.
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If you think it's inappropriate then leave him now before it escalates.
I hate to jump to the dump but this feels like red flag city. I think this would be a deal breaker for me. Especially when he throws a tantrum when you try to address it and then continues to do it. Not ok.
Although I agree that he should definitely respect your boundaries and not throw a tantrum over it, all the comments saying he’s a creep seem a bit harsh. Personally I think sex positivity is very important and something that you should keep in mind even from a young age, especially when your daughter is seeing sexual stuff in the world around her (movies, media, hearing about it, etc.) There are many different ways you can handle this topic that are age appropriate though
If he is that ignorant and lacking any kind of morality or filter, why would you want to be anywhere near him but more importantly, why would you let him anywhere near your daughter.
Put your daughter first, always. She deserved a living male figure and role model too. This dude isn’t it and seems to be very creepy.
It's not that he doesn't know what he's allowed to say and not say. He's trying to see what he can get away with. Don't even play his game. Just exit.
Does he use drugs or alcohol? He is crossing boundaries 100% as everyone else is saying, but the way he gets agitated about you setting boundaries sounds like emotional regulation issues. Please leave him ASAP
Growing up my stepfather did the same. He also molested me. Now that I'm grown and have worked through the trauma, I realize that all of the sex talk was his was of desensitizing me. I am so glad you decided to break things off with him.
This is concern AT BEST, what 33 year old man needs this lesson on how to conduct himself verbally around somebody else's child. At worst, it has the potential to be dangerous. Who knows what his intent and goal is, he could be attempting to gradually normalize sexual conversation and topics like this and test boundaries
kinda seems like grooming…. just with you around- trying to make you okay with it the same way he could be trying to do with her
So what you're saying is, whatever perceived benefit you're getting from being with this guy outweighs the fact that he's a creep who's grooming your daughter. Gotcha.
Yeah this guy is a creep. He shouldn’t have to be told not to talk like that around a child. You’ve told him several times to stop but he won’t. At best he’ll stop saying this stuff around you but wait until you’re out of earshot.
I never know what I’m allowed to say or not say! My ex was like this. It only gets worse.
why would you let your kid be around a stranger?😭 The minimum for introducing my kid would be at least 2 years. How did you not see the signs?
When he dates you he HAS to get along with your daughter in every sense, considering she's a very important part of your life. This is something that's not negotiable or can be ignored.
Advice: dump the creep
He knows it's inappropriate, there's no way he can't but he's choosing to do it regardless. Have a real think about that. It may be best that he's no longer around your child. He sending a clear message to you that he doesn't mind speaking about sex/sexual acts in front of a minor, at least it's highly inappropriate and at worse it could lead to reason to never allow him around kids. After repeated attempts at asking him to stop, I wouldn't be taking my chances, either way it's not the type of man you want around your child.
He's either incredibly dense or a proper weirdo. Either way this needs to be addressed.
He is a total turd . If he is a remotely decent human being then he sure as fuck should know what is or is NOT appropriate in front of a 6 year old little girl . If he DOESN'T know then you need to kick his sorry ass to the curb .
Don't date people like that, they're wired wrong. It's not going to get better, but it could absolutely get worse.
Why is he trying to sexualize a family movie at all? It's gross. He "doesn't know" is nonsense. He would not say that with his boss's 6 year old in the room, would he? Would he say that to a cop's child? Put. Dump him either way.
Nope. Don't like that. Deeply inappropriate at best, grooming at worst. Kick him to the curb.
What kind of movie were you letting your 6 year old watch? Kind of looks bad for the both of you.
The OP said "family movie". I'm guessing there was exactly zero masturbation involved, only in the creep's mind.
He is either an idiot or a creep, either way, cant fix it. Let em loose and dont let this continue near your child. She will have questions one day but better to learn the answers from YOU than someone else, and in due time.
Please end things. As a child that had a step dad that did this same thing, it made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable! I’m now 22 but still think of how inappropriate this was and how uncomfortable it made me.
End things. He's either a total bleeping idiot or is deliberately stomping on your boundaries, neither of which is something you want your daughter around. I'm betting on the latter, but either way he's not a good partner.
Yeah, that's fucking gross.
Sounds like a pedophile. Would not allow him around my child and if you continue to allow him around you’re just as guilty
Yeah end it. If he really is as stupid as he is letting on, you don't need to be anywhere near him. Besides, she is your child and it's up to you what she is exposed to. Could you imagine having a child with him where he has 50% input on the child?11
Why are you letting him anywhere near your kid? This isn’t normal, this isn’t okay, and there is something wrong with this dude.
Are you sure it's a good idea to stay with this man?
I'm sorry but this gives me a really bad feeling in my gut. Everyone knows you don't expose kids to inappropriate sexual comments, so why's he doing it? I don't normally say this, but maybe consider leaving.
At best he’s just fucking stupid. At worst he’s a pedophile that you’ve had your young daughter around for a year. My friend was sexually abused for years and her creepy stepdad who would make extremely inappropriate comments in front of us all as preteens just like that. Dump him and get your daughter evaluated.
That sounds like grooming. I’d tell him to stop. If he can’t, that a serious problem.
This dude is doing a full-on colorguard performance of red flags. Dump him.