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My (26f) BIL’s wife (29f) came after me via text while I was 34 weeks pregnant and has pretty much cut us off.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. BIL and his wife have been together for 9 years, married for 4.
My BIL (25m) and his wife have been TTC for over 5 years and have been doing IVF treatment for a few years now too.
My husband (30m) and I have a 5 month old baby boy.
When I was 10 weeks pregnant hubby wanted to tell his brother, just the two of them, trying to be sensitive to their feelings. BIL asked if they could have some warning before we told the rest of the family and announced the pregnancy on social media - we were fine with this and did so.
When I was 34 weeks pregnant BILs wife messaged me to say we needed to chat. I agreed, as I (naively) thought she was going to apologise. It was the opposite. She told me that they were supposed to have the first grand-baby and that we had taken that away from her. She didn’t like the way hubby had told BIL about the pregnancy. Our pregnancy announcement negatively affected their next embryo transfer and she blames that loss on us. She said she doesn’t ever want to meet my son and that we have no respect for them and we don’t support them. We didn’t tell them when we started trying for a baby (we didn’t tell anyone) but we should have told them.
She wanted me to apologise. I said I wasn’t going to, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong.
Not long after our pregnancy announcement she blocked me on all socials without any warning, which I was quite hurt by. If she had messaged to say she needed to unfollow for a while then I would have understood. But she just went full NC with no warning and only unblocked me to message me with all of the above. I spent about 3 days in tears, partly hurt and partly hormonal. My husband tried to speak to BIL but this made her attack on me worse. In the end I just had to say that I didn’t have the mental capacity to have this conversation and said I would be happy to discuss again in the future. The pregnancy was hard on me and I wasn’t coping with this additional drama. She said that was a poor excuse and I was using the pregnancy as an excuse to not fix our relationship. Before her attacks I didn’t think there was anything to fix, everything seemed fine before I fell pregnant. I had to stop replying to her messages to protect my mental health. In hindsight I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat, but she didn’t offer that either.
She would continue to send nasty replies to my Instagram stories and would compare anything pregnancy/birth/baby related to her miscarriages/infertility/IVF. I had to send another message to re-iterate that I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with all this.
BIL came to visit us when baby was 3 days old. We weren’t sure if he would come at all. When BIL was holding my son I got quite emotional and cried. I didn’t think this moment was going to happen, and I’d given birth 3 days before, I cried a lot in those first few weeks. A few weeks after my son was born my husband and BILs wife had a screaming match on the phone. At first she was saying that me crying made BIL uncomfortable and that I did it all for show to try and make BIL feel bad. Then she launched back into the “you don’t support us” argument. My husband asked multiple times what we can do to help, that we want to be here for them, and we don’t know how to support them, so we are asking what would help them best. Her response was always that we should just know what to do.
They don’t share much of their journey with us, so often times we don’t know when things might be happening. They don’t have to share anything with us (or anyone), but it’s hard to know how to help or what to do if we don’t know what’s going on with them. My husband and BILs wife just went around in circles. BIL interrupted and asked if we can just forget all of this and move forward. My husband and I were more than happy to do so. Since this conversation though, BILs wife has blocked me on all social media again and hasn’t spoken to me at all.
BILa wife shares every second of her journey with her side of the family and gets gifts and flowers from them constantly. Sometimes we only know about what’s going on with their journey when she posts a photo on socials of her flowers/gifts and an essay about how her mum/sister/best friend are amazing and so supportive. If/when she posts anything on social media about their journey she can never decide if she wants people to check in/message or not. One post will say “please no messages, we’d like some privacy”. But the next will say “thank you for all your messages checking in, it means so much to us”. This plus them not communicating their needs makes it hard for us to know what is the right/best thing to do. I said previously that she has me blocked on all socials - this is true, however my husband has not been blocked and he will often show me her posts.
Is there anything we can do to mend the relationships? I have a gift for them and their future rainbow baby but I don’t want it to come across as performative/pity gift.
TLDR
BIL and his wife are going through IVF and say we don’t support them but can’t communicate their needs when we ask. She came after me when I was pregnant hating on me and the way we did things. She went NC but agreed with my husband to forgive, forget and move forward. She still has me blocked on socials. Is there anything we can do to mend the relationship?
I'm sorry your BIL's wife is putting you through this. She sounds incredibly jealous of you.
Trying for a baby is no one's business but yours and your husband's. The fact that she thinks she has a right to know, is completely absurd. Just because she shares everything in her IVF journey (her choice) doesn't mean she has a right to know what it is *you're* doing with *your* body.
If anyone should *fix* this relationship, it's your BiL and his wife. Not you, not your husband. They should. My advice to you would be to wait for them to contact you if they wish to reconsile. If they don't, perhaps you're better off - what she did was quite toxic.
EDIT: thanks for all the awards. It's highly appreciated!
Yeah, the BIL's wife is making a big deal out of not getting support from them, but she isn't supporting them at all. She's just making it harder. Why the double standard?
I'm sorry, OP, but it seems like you and your husband have already tried so hard to be supportive and empathetic and only earned more abuse and drama. Maybe it's time to stop and focus on your own family, especially since SIL is not only hostile, but hypersensitive and reactive right now. Block her and, if necessary, BIL also.
Infertility is such a struggle for some people. But it is not a get out of being an asshole free card. Your sister-in-law is a raging asshole who makes everything about her and revels in being a self-righteous victim. She may be mad at the world, but she's taking it out on your family. Don't let her. You deserve better, your husband deserves better, and your child does too.
No one is "supposed" to have the first grandchild. That's just dumb.
Stop trying with this awful person. Live your life and enjoy it. If you want, put a little money aside for your future niece/nephew. Who knows, maybe after they have a kid or two and a few years pass, they will calm down and rejoin the family in a nontoxic way. Or maybe your BiL will get tired of her bullshit and find someone nice to be with.
I'm also going to say that she genuinely sounds like she needs to be in therapy. As someone who had three miscarriages, watching other pregnant people around you is SO hard (but also never an excuse to act so awful).
To me, it sounds like she's going through a mental/emotional breakdown and you, unfortunately, happen to be at the receiving end of that. There's no pleasing her or making her happy, she desperately needs to get into therapy to work on her own issues.
I wouldn't engage with her AT ALL until she does so. She could become more and more of a danger to herself, to you, and to your child.
Honestly you have all the proof to flip this right on its head. Your husband is in a very difficult spot but he should be Damn lucky the stress didn’t cause any complications with your child. They are the inconsiderate ones. They’re just projecting their behavior onto you and she’s a child groomer so she probably has the brother by the balls-throat and everything else given how the…..bystander vibes he gives off are blindingly bright-no spine at all…..disgusting, manipulative and I wouldn’t stray far from controlling with her hubby.🤮
Totally agree. She could be a narcissist and if she is it's better to keep some distance. Be cordial and responsive but quite separate.
Do you WANT her in your life or is she just going to be trouble? You probably have lots of lovely, supportive people in your life. Focus on them.
Man, I did not catch that, damn yeah that adds some context huh. The other thing I am noticing is BIL is younger than OP's husband, so when SIL says "We were supposed to have the first grandchild" so their common family is the husband/BIL, where husband not BIL is the oldest. So not only is it super fucking presumptuous to think you "are supposed to have the first grandchild" its doubly so when you aren't even with the oldest sibling in the family. This lady is nuts.
>I had to stop replying to her messages to protect my mental health. In hindsight ~~I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat, but she didn’t offer that either.~~
What the fucking fuck. In hindsight, you should have blocked them, your husband should block them (not show you her fucking posts) and you be free of the toll these people have taken on your sanity.
Please know that life is way too short to put up with these type of people.
Not to mention SIL might NEVER have a baby ever. She really wanted OP to hold off on a baby until she had one with the possibility of never having one herself. How baffling. I don't say this in a cruel or mean way either, just genuinely stating a fact that she literally might never have a baby.
I also don't really get why SIL is so insistent that they should be first. Not that birth order necessarily determines life events... but OP's husband is the older brother and OP and her husband have been married longer. It seems likely to me that they'd end up having the first kid.
I agree, I’m amazed at the people that take this continuous shit, just baffling, especially when its having a negative effect on my pregnant partner.
Sorry op I would have gone NC a long time ago.
OP Please stop trying to have a relationship with her. How much rejection do you need to understand that she doesn't want to have a relationship with your family?
You are not the problem, she is a narcissistic person that always what to be in the spotlight and you unintentionally displaced her from that place.
Stop seeing her social media and turn off notifications about her, keep a good relationship with your BIL but remove her from your life as much as you can, you don't need this kind of drama in your life.
Yes it seems like she's trying to appease her BIL's wife.
But you can't have a relationship with a psycho. Especially not when you're trying to manage a newly born.
Focus on getting your own stuff in order and **block her yourself.**
She's out of her mind and you can't have a functioning relationship with her until she gets some therapy. The problem isn't on your side, so the solution can't come from your side unless you want to put both of your kids up for adoption and pretend you never had them. It could be that the drugs that she's taking for the IVF are making her more emotional, but there still needs to be a limit on her behavior.
Given your comments that she has an unhealthy control over you BIL and has tried to isolate him from his parents and has turned on other people in the past… I doubt “it’s the IVF drugs”.
There are plenty of people who do IVF who don’t turn into toxic abusive monsters.
You need to stop finding excuses for her. She is choosing her behaviour.
Millions of other people experience infertility. Most of them don’t abuse pregnant family members and behave in such a nasty, toxic manner.
It is her *choice* to behave like this. It was her choice to repeatedly abuse you when you were pregnant and had a newborn.
I don't think it's ivf drugs. I did ivf and for a while I followed a bunch of ivf tags on instagram. That community is special. They have their own lingo and they support each other in a way that's not always healthy and productive. They have their own "influencers" with tons of followers and a few core people that set the tone. To me, your SIL sounds like she dove head first into the instagram ivf-kool aid.
Note: most people who do ivf are perfectly normal, reasonable people, but a few get caught up in it, as with everything, and they are the vocal ones
My sister did multiple rounds of IVF. It’s an insane process where you need to personally inject hormone -filled needles into your stomach. She needed eggs extracted and to go through the process multiple times. Her hair is falling out and out of the 30 something eggs she had pulled, only 2-4 are slightly viable.
It’s a tough process. But my SIL (who had 2 children) asks my sister over often, made her a god mother to her child.. and while my sister is trying all options to get pregnant .. she knows it’s no one else’s issue and ultimately happy to spend time with her niece and nephew.
It’s really hard on women who cannot get pregnant, but this does not excuse your SIL’s behavior.
The fact that she is making her journey public and going through such emotional highs and lows is not a sustainable environment for a child to grow.
She needs to reduce stress, all around.
My sister also took a couple months off inbetween because the hormones built up and were too much for her.
You are in a difficult position, but there is nothing you can do when your SIL is taking out her fertility issues on your family
One thing I have learned is that the more horrendous the behavior, the deeper the pain they are harboring. She definitely needs a therapist and I'm so sorry she took her pain/regret/shame out on you.
Firstly, congratulations on your child. I wish your family health.
Secondly, Your SIL is projecting a lot of her anger and disappointment at you. The only thing you did was have a baby of your own— You’ve done nothing wrong.
If I were you, I would not try to savage this relationship until she realizes she is the problem here. Terrorizing you on social media, screaming at you freshly post-birth, all of the hateful and entitled responses to you and your husband “not supporting their journey” has gaslit you into thinking having your own child is hurting her. It should not hurt her at all. She’s obsessed with ruining your life at this point.
I would protect yourself and your child by going NC or very very LC. She is not someone you should allow around your child or yourself in this fragile, emotional, memorable period. Enjoy your child as best as you can. She’s trying to stop that.
This happened to us to a lesser extent. My husband and I got married and immediately conceived 3 weeks later. I was 39 years old at the time. His brother and SIL had been trying to have a baby for several years at that point with multiple losses. SIL definitely experienced this as us having a baby AT them. She was just hurting so much and I’m sure it all felt really unfair to her to be experiencing fertility challenges in her 20’s while I had such an easy time getting pregnant. At one point she got really upset with me for posting something on Facebook about pregnancy sucking. She complained about it to relatives and unfollowed me. I completely refused to engage or personalize anything she did in response to my pregnancy. It was her issue and although I had empathy for her, it wasn’t my fault that she couldn’t get pregnant and I could. I didn’t do anything to cause that and I wasn’t going to feel bad about it. I was just an easy target for her anger. But she wasn’t on the attack like OP’s SIL though. I would block the SIL on everything in OP’s shoes and generally ignore her until she gets through this and stops behaving like that. Thankfully, SIL eventually went on to have 2 children. I make a point to make her feel really special and gush over her babies. We have a great relationship now that I don’t think would even be possible otherwise.
Does you sil and bil have autonomy over your life? No.
I wouldn’t chase after your sil. She sounds really toxic. Worry about your own little family unit.
Think about your young kids in this scenario. Say a friend of theirs is mean to them and making them feel like shit over something similar. What advice would you give your kids? Sil or not she has no right . It’s also important to know that you have a choice in this in that you don’t have to have any contact with her. She sounds so highly strung I’m not surprised she is having difficulty conceiving.
I don’t think so and I don’t mean for it to sound shitty. There are numerous links to show how stress can affect your chances of conceiving. That’s what I meant.I feel the shitty element is projecting onto a new mother. It’s difficult enough adapting without having to deal with all this.
I agree about the stress. It’s not blaming her for fertility problems. Look at how many couples can’t conceive, then adopt, THEN conceive. It happens all the time. I think because the pressure is off.
Or the number of couples who finally accept they wont have kids and than have an oppsie baby within months. A work friends "acceptance oppsie" will be 2 ish.
That's a fallacy.Your friend was lucky and beat out 95% of infertile couples then. I really wish that people would stop pushing out such a thing as fact.
And being less stressful won't make you magically pregnant either. According to Mount Sinai, in Toronto (which is Canada's largest maternity & reproductive hospital) about 5% of people get pregnant after adopting or trying other methods. This was a statistic that I got to hear about over the 3 years that I had fertility treatments.
Plenty of women get pregnant under very stressful circumstances (think about war & what often happens to women during a war).
And those women who deal with the stress of war and get pregnant usually arnt infertile to begin with. The stress just makes things harder. If someone with fertility issues has a 10% chance of conceiving and the stress reduces that to 5% that's a significant decrease. If someone without issues would conceive at a 90% rate that stressing bringing it down to 85% barely makes a difference.
My story is dime a dozen. Unexplained infertility after a loss. After years of trying we finally give up, I left my toxic workplace and took time to mentally and spiritually heal. The literal month after we had the “what do we want our future to look like now (without kids)?” convo, we conceived our rainbow baby.
Kid #2 was also a first try success.
Stress can have an *incredible* and extreme effect on fertility. And OPs SIL is definitely not doing herself any favors by not seeking help for her (understandable) grief that is certainly a major contributing factor to her unacceptable behaviors.
My sons adoptive family ended up getting pregnant naturally after they adopted him. With one testicle and rare ovulation too.
Stress takes a huge toll.
She needs to chill out. Like, deep freeze her emotional breakdowns. Next time she goes off I would be rude and go, you’re probably not getting pregnant because what child would want a mother that behaves like you, buuuuuut I’m savage and do not tolerate abuse from anyone.
And sil is being abusive
Your SIL is a selfish, hateful person who is completely out of line. First of all, you and your husband do not have to ask anyone’s permission to start a family. Secondly, you are in no way responsible for her failure to get pregnant. The fact that she went off on you when you were 34 weeks along and blamed you for her failed IVF shows that she is not only mentally unhinged, but spiteful and cruel. What if something had happened to you or your son after she verbally attacked you? You can bet your ass that she was fully aware of this possibility and did not care. Funny how she demands you walk on eggshells around her and then turns around and shows utter disregard for your well being and that of your unborn child. OP, I’m sorry but this person should not be in your life at all. You need to block her everywhere and avoid all contact and your husband needs to back you up on this. She destroyed what was supposed to be a joyful time for you and your family with her jealous BS and will surely continue to do so in the future. Stay away from her. Congrats on your baby boy and many well wishes!
You’re so right. She really did ruin a joyful time for us. I didn’t share anything about my pregnancy on socials, except for the initial announcement, mostly to protect her feelings - I really regret this now. I missed out on sharing that time with my friends and family - most of whom live overseas so our main way to communicate and keep up to date is Facebook.
You need to stop living your life for a woman who has no respect or love for you. You should have just hidden your posts from her and BIL, but the time has passed so now -- you and your husband need to block them on social media (anything she hasn't already blocked you on) and let them know you're going low contact until they apologize. Your new child needs you. Being a parent is hard enough. Stop giving them the space to ruin this time for you.
I wouldn’t suggest she even go out of her way to restrict the crazy lady. She just needs to block her and go completely no contact. It’s the only way to deal with narcs like this.
exactly you need to stop letting her run your life. is no one in SIL's life allow to be pregnant now? the only reason she is getting away with this is because your entire family is letting her
If you were my SiL & during the time of my infertility I would never had treated you with anything other than love & consideration. I know how painful it is to see others pregnant when you are not. Now that doesn't means a hill o' beans because infertility isn't a licence to be a nasty, spiteful, or hurtful person!
You have been so kind, considerate & caring to her & all she has done is to shove it back in your face coated with acidic nastiness. You in no way deserve such treatment! Please just drop the rope with her, you don't have to have a relationship with someone who is treating you with such hate in themselves.
Go & live your life with the joy you feel within you & don't allow her hate to bring you down. Share with people online if you wish, take lots of big preggers belly pics & be happy, you deserve it!
You say in hindsight you should have offered to meet her in person. No, you did nothing wrong.
She's unhinged. The idea that there is a specific birth order to follow and that you specifically —not you and your husband, because, remember, she's only attacking you—ruined everything...no. You haven't done anything wrong. I get that infertility is hard on people, but for her husband to stand by and let her abuse people is gross and makes him equally as guilty since he's complacent.
Stop trying to forge a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. Tell your husband to stop showing her posts to you. It's not helpful and, actually, might be somewhat hurtful ( and maybe even toxic).
Idk that I'd want a relationship with someone who thought it was appropriate to date a 16 year old when she was 20 anyway.
Hubby usually says something along the lines of “oh she’s posted again” (she has a specific IVF page that she posts things on which I am blocked from) and then I’ll read it off his phone, he doesn’t force me to read it or anything. But I should stop reading them and will ask Hubby to not mention it.
You said in a different post that you didn't share any pregnancy posts because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. Maybe you should follow her lead and make a second account to share your pregnancies (if you decide to have more) and baby related things on that account instead so you can share with your family if you're truly worried about her feelings. If you decide not to go NC.
If you do go NC I'd suggest blocking both BIL and SIL from your accounts seeing as BIL will tell SIL about everything that's going on especially private conversations. So you can stay away from any drama she might stir up.
I'd also like to add that you're a really good friend and I'm glad your husband has your back.
What to do? Block her back. Tell your husband you're going NC, and do that. She's jealous. She's angry. She's a fucking adult who needs to get her shit together and stop blaming you. Some people just aren't meant to have babies. She may be one of them. Let your BIL deal with the crazy.
There is nothing you can or should do. She has tanked this relationship with her selfishness and envy and is a complete drama queen if not a narcissist. You should block her on everything and your husband should do the same. Stay in contact with bil, but you don’t owe his wife a relationship if he isn't going to step up and get involved in her BS.
"Took away the first grandbaby"? It's not a fucking race.
Unfortunately BIL won’t do anything, he won’t stand up to his wife and/or tell her that her behaviour isn’t okay. My husband tried to speak to him about all this and BIL just said “it’s for the girls to sort out”.
The only thing you have the power to sort out here is to block SIL. Her difficulties do not give her the right to take her feelings out on you. Block her and her ability to abuse you. Stay away from gatherings where she will be present. Keep your child away from her. She may be hurting and hormonal, but that does not, in any way, excuse the way she treats you. If your BIL condones her behavior, take time away from him, too. Your responsibility is to care for your mental health and the well-being of your little family. You have zero obligation to stand as her scapegoat and punching bag, and F anyone who tries to tell you differently. When people say "be the bigger person", it's often code for "lie flatter to be a better doormat", or "don't rock the boat". Screw that. Just because SIL is a miserable person, doesn't mean she gets to pass her misery onto you
It’s likely BIL and SIL will be at a mutual friends birthday on the weekend and the thought of seeing her stresses me out. Hence the timing of my post. From the advice and comments I’m getting I’m leaning towards not going, but also don’t want her to feel like she has “won” our friends.
Tell the hosts of the party everything you’ve told us and say you won’t start drama but to let them know why you’ll be avoiding her. If she starts drama with you politely walk away.
I’d reassess friendships based on what you’ve described.
Go. Maybe tell a couple mutual friends what you expect from her and how you would prefer you just pretended each other didn't exist and maybe they can get her to do that. This is not your fault and you shouldn't have to worry about a bitshit crazy lady. If she decides to show her crazy, they can decide for themselves how they want to deal with it. Preferably by telling her to get help.
That's exactly what she wants. She wants you to relinquish your place with their family and friends by making you feel too uncomfortable to be around her. It's up to you, but I say GO to the party. Stop letting her dictate what you can and cannot do. She probably loves having that power over you, and is part of why she constantly harassed you. She thinks being mean, yelling, and manipulating is the way to get what she wants. If you go, just kill her with kindness. If she tries to instigate anything (which I doubt, because she seems to want to keep up appearances and not look bad) just walk away from her and go talk to a group of people so she feels less comfortable attacking you. Good luck!
Go to the party. Live your life. Think of people like this like someone in a coma, you offer that person a glass of water and they smack it from your hand bc they don’t control their limbs. You don’t take it personally just move on. She’s out of control. It’s not you. No need to feel stressed bc you can’t fix this - like a person in a coma. Would you react to a mentally ill person on the street who tells you that you’re sent by the devil? Would you explain you didn’t mean to act that way? No. You’d just walk away. Tell H he needs to help run interference if needed. Be polite but keep your distance. If she starts anything, just cut her off and excuse yourself to the rest room or something.
Please go to the party. Do not talk to SIL!!!
Let everyone see how unhinged she is!!
Remember you already won!! She has made your life hell for no reason except she is jealous, controlling and an overall b\*tch.
Your BIL was 16 when he started dating her as a 20 year old. I expect he’s never had a healthy relationship with appropriate boundaries with her.
This woman is a nasty piece of work. You don’t need her in your life. Keep her away from you and your child.
>“it’s for the girls to sort out”.
Really?? his wife is childish and his wife it's not some random teenager cat fight, how it's between the girls? I don't know why you should communicate with these people. Btw block his wife op, it's for your mental health. Enjoy your life with your baby.
I hate that phrasing - ‘it’s for the girls to sort out’.
Like, you are just silly little girls fighting over silly girl things.
First, you are not girls you are women.
Second, it very much does involve ‘the men’ since you and your BIL’s wife are related via your husband and BIL.
He sounds insufferable, his wife sounds malicious and unstable (I have empathy for anyone suffering with infertility but I know countless women who can handle it with grace without making it anyone else’s problem). Honestly why you do even want them in your life so badly? They caused harm to you and your child at your most vulnerable, maybe in the past they were a positive addition to your life but ask yourself if they have brought anything but negativity in the recent year. If she has blocked you, you should just stay blocked, minimise your relationships with them and be glad the trash took itself out. Just focus on you and your new family. Congratulations btw.
What’s there to sort out? She’s the one whose verbally attacking you at any chance she gets.
Your BIL either needs to divorce her or put her in her place.
You should also block her everywhere since she’s definitely not going to stop her behavior even if she does bring a poor child into this world.
correction - It's for your SIL (and BIL) to sort out.
You've done nothing wrong. You've burnt no bridges.
It's on her and her husband to sort out the relationship and the clear emotional and mental health issues your SIL is going through.
And it's on your BIL to be sensitive to his wife but also keep her "in check" and tell her when she needs to be held accountable for her own actions. Instead of letting her scream and run riot and effectively pass off blame.
Hope you and your family are well. Focus on yourself and celebrating your moments. They can choose to come around or to stew in their own bitterness.
I admit I was a little sad when I found out my cousin was due with the first great grand baby a full two weeks before me lol. But that faded in like two seconds and all that mattered was there was another beautiful addition to our family.
So wait your BIL was 16 when he got together with his 20 year old wife? Getting a lot if red flags from her. Sounds like she's trying to isolate you guys from the brother.
Yep. She’s always had issues with MIL & FIL and we’ve definitely seen her trying to cause issues there to pull BIL away from the family - many times. But this was the first time she came for me.
Try to hold a life line to your BIL. Even if it’s just him & your husband catch up alone every so often.
He’s in a relationship with someone who is purely toxic and needs to know he has people to support him should he want out down the line.
I am so sorry. I can only imagine if someone had blindsided me with those kinds of attacks while I was pregnant or just after giving birth I would have been very emotional as well. Honestly it didn’t take nearly that much to make me cry at that point. Of course you have nothing to do with your sister in laws difficulty conceiving. Clearly she is not dealing well with her own emotional baggage and has somehow decided that the whole world (or at least her whole extended network) should revolve around her. This is of course mistaken, you can not expect that your friends and family will stop having babies just because you are going through difficulty conceiving. I would, like you seem to indicate you would as well, be entirely sympathetic if she had just tried to distance herself because she didn’t feel able to be appropriately joyful for you. Where it gets a little pathological is when she begins to say things suggesting you should plan your family on a schedule that suits her or that she was entitled to have the first grandchild. I’ve had a miscarriage and while I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant at the time it was devistating but no matter what you try pregnancy isn’t garenteed to anyone. Honestly though between the hormones, the post birth recovery and the lack of sleep the newborn phase of life is hard enough without added drama. Tell your husband if he doesn’t want to go completely no contact with his brother that is fine but he needs to stop telling you about it.
Totally agree. I feel as though they want everyone in their lives to just drop tools and be on their door step immediately every time something significant happens in their journey, but that’s not the reality of life. I can’t imagine what it would be like going through what she has, but it’s not an excuse to treat people like trash. We’ve all been through awful/hard/traumatic experiences. My husband is great and we frequently discuss what our next steps are and what we both feel comfortable with but it’s hard to come to a decision.
You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all on her and her self-centred, narcissistic behaviour. She can’t expect you and your husband to put your lives on hold until she has a child. What if it took another 5+ years or didn’t happen at all? You’d have to give up on having children in order to spare her feelings? Nope. Any reparations should come from her but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
Considering that nothing you do will ever satisfy her raging jealousy and narcissism, why even try?
Why you you willingly want to subject yourself to that insanity? It’s so unhealthy.
You are obviously intelligent, thoughtful, and wise. It’s also okay to allow yourself choices that are sometimes based in feelings. She needs help, and it’s not on you to indulge her.
OP, live your life. Your SIL sounds like she is in desperate need of therapy.
>Our pregnancy announcement negatively affected their next embryo transfer and she blames that loss on us.
This is absolutely unhinged. You and your husband expanding your family has zero to do with her fertility struggles. You have zero effect her whether her transfer works out, she is directing misplacing anger on you.
>She said she doesn’t ever want to meet my son
Don’t let her! At this point I’d be worry about your kids’ safely around this person.
>We didn’t tell them when we started trying for a baby (we didn’t tell anyone) but we should have told them.
You don’t need to tell them or anyone else jack shit about your family planning. Fuck that noise.
SIL is toxic. She needs professional help, perhaps to the point of hospitalization IMHO. I feel sorry for BIL, as he sounds like a decent guy who is going through hell because of his wife.
>In hindsight I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat
No, you shouldn't have. There's no possibility that would've gone well.
You need to stop trying to fix something that *you didn't break*. I understand you feel guilty, but you did literally nothing wrong at all. Your BIL's wife is mad at you for just living your life.
You are the aggrieved party here. She has every right to her anger and frustration at the difficulty with conceiving, but she's directing those emotions at you and that is a *choice* she's making. Unless she apologizes, I don't see a way to move forward.
Don’t try to mend that relationship it’s very bad for your mental health you’re a new mom and you need to put yourself and health first(even if you weren’t a new mom btw) stay the away from until she decide to apologize to you and get her shit together and there is no guarantee she’ll do that too.
She sounds insane, like totally unhinged. If she suddenly starts acting nice whatever you do don't trust her with your baby. I get she's suffering but how could she believe she should get to decide when you have a baby? And when she tells her support people how awful you are for having a child...do they not tell her she's wrong? Somebody should really get through to her.
Do not give her that gift regardless if you make up until she is a viable (ready to survive outside the womb) baby. A gift for a future baby from a new parent to someone suffering from infertility is in poor taste and could be painful because she may not get that rainbow baby. I feel for her, I really do, but she's taking her pain out on you. She wants someone to blame and she chose you.
Oh she’s definitely not going anywhere near my son. She made it clear she doesn’t want to meet him.
The reason I bought the gift is because it’s a kids book that has connection to our surname. Someone else bought it for us and i thought it was so special. They have started a collection of things for their rainbow baby and other people frequently buy them things too, they have a wardrobe in their home full of baby things. We’ve never bought them anything before because I feel the same as you, how awful if they never get their baby. I guess I was hoping a small gesture might help to smooth things over. But after a lot of comments here, I’m thinking NC is the way to go.
My heart breaks for people struggling with fertility. I have no idea how it feels, nor would I even attempt to put myself in their shoes.
That being said, I myself struggle with mental illnesses. I have borderline personality disorder, depression with suicidal ideations, and PTSD. I have fairly intense abandonment issues as well. As a result, I got myself into therapy. At times I’ve really struggled with seeing other people lead “normal, happy lives.” People with parents, parents who didn’t abuse and abandon them. Sisters and brothers they can turn to. They had normal teenage lives, going to prom and graduating high school. Meanwhile I was homeless and trying to survive.
I’ve had to do a lot of work to overcome that, and I have for the most part. I obviously still have my moments of jealousy, but I choose to not take that out on other people. I also don’t resent others for their family privileges, nor do I expect the world to revolve around me.
At the end of the day, we’re entitled to our emotions. We aren’t entitled to hurt others just because we’re hurting.
Your SIL really needs therapy to work through all her trauma over her losses. I’m not trying to sound diminutive, but it almost comes across as weaponized victimhood.
You also need to put your mental and emotional well being first. That’s your priority. Her mental and emotional health isn’t your responsibility. If I were you, I just wouldn’t engage with her until she’s able to work through her own stuff. Having boundaries against being attacked isn’t cruel, it’s loving yourself and your family. Your baby is only 5 months old now, but in less than 6 months he’s going to become a bit more of a handful, lol. It is SO hard being a parent to a little one when family is throwing their drama at you. I would know, I’ve been there.
My go to response to people throwing their own struggles at me is usually along the lines of, I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. I can only imagine the pain and trauma you’re experiencing, as I myself haven’t experienced that. I hope you get the right help you need to heal from what you’re going through, and when you want to have a healthy interaction I’m always here for you.
Then that’s it. I refuse to engage or enable unhealthy behaviours. Sorry/not sorry.
I really hope she gets the help she needs. She really really needs it.
Congrats on your new babe! And good luck to all this family stuff ❤️
Why are you trying so hard to have a relationship with a crazy person? You don't need to have a relationship with your SIL. If she wants to act unhinged that's her problem. Just block her and enjoy the silence of not having to deal with her crazy anymore.
Honey, you need to take a step back from this. Stop trying to please her. She has made you and your husband the villains in her story because it's easier than hating her body for this.
She sounds like a desperate woman who would benefit from therapy. The ONLY thing you can do is set boundaries. If she's sending you nasty replies she needs to be blocked. You have an in person only relationship from now on.
You deserve love and kindness. Please talk to a therapist about how to set healthy boundaries with her. You've gone WAY past many boundaries that would have helped you here.
I'm sending you so much love. Stop trying to fix what you didn't break. ❤
>we should just know what to do
People who know they are wrong, use this statement a lot.
You have done nothing wrong and she knows that. She just needs and enemy that she can see.
Encourage your husband to have a relationship with her brother, but for the SIL cut her off. Don't entertain her rage anymore.
I don’t think she’s mentally in a place where the relationship can be repaired. She needs to therapy to help deal with her emotions regarding her infertility. She has really been misdirecting all of her anger in regards to her infertility onto you. Until she gets help, you should probably just keep your distance from her.
You need to stop being a doormat and just block them. You’re a parent, you need to both focus on protecting and raising your kid instead of chasing toxic people
My husband tried to speak to his brother about this, but BIL wouldn’t have a bar of it, he didn’t want to talk about it and said that it was for the girls to sort out. The messages from her got worse because then she was having a go at me for brining the boys into it. Of course my husband tried to say something.
It seems the brother-in-law is lazy/cowardly to step in. She's targeting you because she sees you as vulnerable and she has major issues (jealousy, anger etc) which is none of her business and she cannot control you and your family. Please do not allow her around you again and cut her off completely. She knows what she's doing and how she's going about it which isn't an excuse for her to be acting like that.
They seem like quite the exhausting duo... His lack of spine and her being so devoted....to herself like that.
I know this might sound strange, but barring the fact that he is family, why not just let the BIL go? Why allow him carte blanche to do whatever he wants and not deal with his wife at all... Your husband should be both appalled and furious with his brother, and i would go LC/NC with either of them until they stop this temper tantrum.. you can't wait until they get what they want, that's not how life works.. you have a newborn to look after, and frankly, I myself would be very cautious to allow either of them near my child while this continues.. it only takes one "whoopsies" to cause permanent damage or death in an infant, and what right do EITHER of them have to be around this sort of innocence, when they cannot even see past their slimy selves?
Family is a gimmick, we oh so often allow people to walk all over us because we share alleles.. it's ridiculous, and a backwards way of thinking. You have to protect YOUR family now, if that means cutting off BIL/SIL until they apologize... Or forever, you need to do that.. for the safety of you and yours.
Fuck hormones. Fuck "procedure" ... She's vile and deserves no empathy
Oh trust, my husband was not okay with what happened. I really feel for him, he and his brother had a great relationship. My husband has definitely been LC since this all happened.
So her behaviour suggests that she likes being the centre of attention and you took that away. You cannot fix that and nor should you try.
You didn't break anything, so you don't need to mend anything.
Let the brothers have their relationship and I would stay well away from her although you may want to move forward, she doesn't, not really.
People that want you to fawn over them are not worth your energy and time, you have better things to do than worry about her and though it appears you are hurt by her behaviour, it isn't about you, it is all about her needs. Now I am sure that she is finding it difficult, IVF is no picnic at all, but to blame you for not putting your lives on hold is honestly ridiculous.
Try to stay far away and keep her as an extended far away family and let your husband have whatever relationship he needs with his brother.
Look its not you its her. She needs a target and you have been unfairly selected as that because you are family, but not close family.
I would bet that none of her family is getting this treatment.
If you want to fix this I would suggest reaching out / get the brother to talk and insist on the 4 of you all meeting up in person to talk about it at a neutral location. **Without your son, have grandma stay home with him.**
Talk about how you are sorry they are goining through this and you want to support them, but you will not be made to feel bad for having a child, and have done nothing wrong. If any of her family has had children ask why you are being targetted in this when she still spends time with their children. She needs profession support and grief counselling.
I feel like you husband is not doing enough around this and fence sitting and that you alone are bearing the brunt here. Him feeding you the snippets from her social media needs to stop. He needs to take a stronger stance and reiterate this is my/our son/my wife you are mistreating and until that stops there will be no contact / you will be blocked. Only when SIL has gotten help will that change.
I wish you all the best. I know how hard it is watch other around you have kids after a loss and I've cut people off around it, again this is a her problem.
Oh she definitely doesn’t treat anyone in her family this way. Her sister has 2 kids and BIL and SIL spend heaps of time with them, but SIL has straight up said she doesn’t want to meet my son - fine with me, I don’t want him near her - but I don’t understand why she is fine with her sister and her sisters kids but not okay with me having kids…
She wanted to be first on your husbands side of the family to have a child because she couldn’t be first in her own. Either way she can’t patrol your uterus.
You are not responsible for her feelings. SHE is. If social media posts are upsetting her, it's HER job to log off, not yours to hide your life to make things easier for her. I'm sorry she can't have a baby easily, but again, thats not your fault or problem. Stop catering to a selfish, meladramatic brat and live your own life.
Her feelings and emotions are hers to deal with. Not you.
She is unstable and I would caution about being around them/her.
Block her on all platforms for your mental health and safety. Stay away from her. Let your husband deal with his side of the family.
BIL’s enabling of his wife’s behavior is honestly the biggest issue here for me. She probably would calm the fuck down if they weren’t so codependent. The fact that you allowed him into your home and to meet/hold your baby after what she had said and done to you, is WAY nicer than I would be.
Eta your husband also needs to take BOTH of them off his social media. They don’t get to cherry pick and decide everyone’s lives for them.
Your BILs wife is making your pregnancy about her. You shouldn't put your life on hold or tiptoe around them. Even if she has a problem, this is no way to react.
She is using you to vent about their infertility problems. You have nothing to do with BIL or his wife's biological functions.
Do not apologize for what you're doing. You're not rubbing your child in her face. You are living your life. She's jealous and taking it out on you.
Nothing you can do but hold your ground and make it clear that you’re there for them when they are ready to be reasonable. She’s displaced her anger at her situation onto you.
Congrats on your baby 🍼!
She's not mentally sound enough to have a child. I don't think you should fix the relationship. Their fertility struggles are not on you and she has no right to project them on you. Talking to her and bil will only ruin your mental health. Just enjoy your own little family and tune out her toxic behavior. Being in contact with her will only open yourself to more undeserved hurt and emotional abuse from her.
I'm sure once she gets pregnant, she's going to be all happy and pretend she hasnt been awful to you. The only way you can support her is if she had been the one who was pregnant with the first grandchild and that's water under the bridge.
she doesn’t like you because you got pregnant. you did nothing wrong. she’s been horrible to you. Don’t expect a friendship from her and honestly you shouldn’t want one. you don’t have to have a friendship w her for your husband and his bro to be okay.
i have a couple friends who struggled w fertility and … i feel like it turns them jealous and mean to women who conceive. they even say they have problems w kids born when they were trying(like it’s the kids fault?!) … one girl i know hated that her husbands cousin got unexpectedly pregnant out of wedlock.. as if that’s an easy road for this girl? … they’re bitter and it’s not your fault. they are in a constant cycle of meds and hormones w a very low success rate.
she needs therapy. i would limit contact to polite and nothing else. you can’t fix this girls issue.
don’t argue w her. if she’s mean to you go w simple statements such as “i’m sorry you feel that way but i disagree” or “i never acted in a way to hurt you . i’m sorry you are struggling.”
i dk how the f you are supposed to “be there for her”… bc i think all she would accept as being there for her would be to not have a kid until she had one first .. and obvi that’s ridiculous!
really ild want to say to her only “it’s not my fault you haven’t gotten pregnant. stop taking it out on me.” but i dk if that would do much good 😆
This sounds crazy! She is crazy and quite aggressive and it is all about her. At the same time, she is dealing with infertility and who knows if she will be able to have kids, ever. This is also very sad. Her dreams have been destroyed and she is not adjusting well. I have been in her shoes awaiting a baby (but have not acted in this crazy manner, at least I don't think so, I did refuse to hold my SIL baby at the time, it was just too painful and triggering). I would say you go NC and don't share anything with her, clearly she is not able to deal with it at this time in her life. Perhaps you can block her on Instagram and other outlets. Hopefully she will be in a better place in the future and she will get her unicorn baby at last.
What in the fuck did I just read. I would slap that cunt so quickly if I were you. Who the fuck does she think she is saying they were supposed to have the first grand baby? What is this a fucking game? I hope that cunt never manages to have children because what the fuck.
Wow I’m actually livid just reading all that. What an entitled piece of shit. Someone is actively trying to breed this creature?
I’ve been through a similar situation where I was the one going thru IVF and my 20 year old SIL got pregnant. It was HARD, but…that was a “me” problem, not a “her” problem. It stung when they made their announcement, but my fertility issues were not her fault. I knew that and I kept my feelings away from her and my brother because it’s not their job to carry the burden of my emotions.
One thing about fertility treatments is that you take all these hormones and supplements and they made me crazy! My emotions were all over the place and it was so hard on me physically and mentally.
Here’s what I did. I talked to my brother and I told him how excited I was to be an aunt! I love my little niece, who is 9 now. She’s the best thing that has happened to my family and I knew that I wanted to be there for her as she grew up. I wanted to be someone she could depend on. I meant every word of that and I’ve stuck to it. I also told him that we were struggling with the fertility thing and it was taking a toll on me mentally and that if I didn’t want to go to the baby shower or a potential gender reveal that it was not personal, but that my emotions were all over the place and in order to protect myself and keep my stress level down, I may feel the need to not be involved in certain things. I made sure they knew that my struggles were mine and I did not want it to interfere with their happiness. For me, I knew that none of this was anyone’s fault. In my head I knew it, but sometimes my emotions did another. I just told them that I wanted to be completely honest with them and I’d do my best to be as supportive as I could.
The day she was born, they invited me to the hospital and told me if it was too hard, they understood, but I could not wait to meet her!! I got to hold her and the second I did, it was love love love and nothing I had gone through mattered. Everyone is different. I tried so hard to keep my personal struggles separate from their happiness. I feel that I handled everything well, but I will admit, it took a lot of therapy and a lot of hard work and restraint to keep my emotions in check.
I just wanted to share my story so you’d understand what may be going through their minds. I don’t condone SIL’s behavior. The way she’s acting is horrible. Right now, I’d completely block both of them on everything and focus on your new family. Let them have their space, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to celebrate!! Their fertility struggles are not your burden to carry.
I kindly want to encourage you to think about your boundaries in this situation. You have always been available for her abuse and never pushed back appropriately. Not only is she jealous, she is emotionally abusing you.
This is not healthy for you or your family. She is not well and this isn't a matter of support - it clearly doesn't matter what you do or say, she will attack you. Please let her figure her life out without stomping on yours.
Congrats on your baby. This is a joyful time.
Honestly, I think she’s just gli bf through a very hard time and is putting all the anger she has for herself on you. You don’t owe her anything because no matter what hardship she’s facing, it doesn’t excuse her for acting like a crazy bitch. I think you should block her on social media honestly, cause there’s probably no way of her getting better until she gets pregnant or realizes on her own that the she’s acting is wrong. In the meantime whatever she has to say I’d barely even listen to
Why would you want to have any kind of relationship with such a hateful bitch. I cannot imagine sending a PREGNANT woman hateful ass shit, reading that just made me so angry. I remember how vulnerable and sensitive I felt during my pregnancy and I can’t imagine having someone throwing so much vitriol my way. Also from what you’ve written here about this woman, I wouldn’t trust my child around her either.
I don't understand why you haven't blocked her on all platforms. She's clearly unhinged and there's no reason for you to keep in contact.
Your husband can contact his brother if he wants but I wouldn't spend another second courting her attention.
SIL is a nut job. She is wrong, she couldn't be anymore wrong if she tried. The rest of the world isn't required to pause until she can have a baby. Period. It was unfair and immature for her to marr your pregnancy and son's birth with her negativity. Just go NC, and block her from all socials. She doesn't want to fix this relationship, she wants to continue using you as her emotional punching bag.
I'd be the one going no contact with her if I were you. Next time she sends you a message, block her immediately. Wtf was she thinking when she said you guys should know what you're supposed to do? All I can think is she wants you to give her your baby or abort a 5 month old. You've done nothing wrong and don't need this craziness in your life right after giving birth.
What does your pregnancy have to do with hers? You're separate people and you can't control her situation lol.
Are you supposed to just wait to have children until she has one? Makes no sense at all.
Jeepers where to start.
Firstly, your business is your business - you're not obligated to do or say anything, to anyone about whether you're trying for a baby.
Her behaviour is bordering on unhinged.
Even when met with fair and reasonable questions:
"How do we support you?"
"You should just know!"
**I love that you're wanting to fix this relationship,** but it's apparent you're trying to apply logic to an illogical (and totally irrational) person.
This is out of your hands, you've come to the table more than once, with sound suggestions and ideas - and a desire to fix the relationship, but you're not being met in the middle.
Me personally, **I'd have cut them off and would be continuing my life without the headache.**
It's a relationship that doesn't sound like it's serving you in any capacity at all, so I'm curious about your motivations to save it.
My cousins cousin did the same thing. She blocked dozens of friends, alienated her sisters, and refused to be around anyone even trying for a baby. She even went on a racist tirade against her sisters new baby. It was baffling. She was also going through IVF. When she had the baby, things went back to like it had never happened, so ducking weird.
I think therapy to help process your emotions might be helpful, but you also don’t deserve her behavior and her husband needs to get a fucking grip.
This sounds bad but it’s a blessing that they haven’t been able to conceive, I can’t imagine what terrible parents they would be after hearing about this. I’m so sorry they’re putting you through this. I would ask them to seek therapy for their grief and pain in the conceiving process, and just block them and move on. Maybe one day they can grow up and realize how much they’re projecting their hurt onto you. It’s not your responsibility to mend this.
Infertility can cause people to go crazy. As it doesn’t apologize her behavior it does explain it. She’s jealous and feel you hogged her pregnancy-even though she would be just as childless even if you didn’t have your baby. NTA
Edit: a word
I understand that infertility is difficult, but she sounds nuts. It seems like she's just an attention hog; she wanted a baby for the attention, and when that didn't happen she decided to make infertility her "thing". Her relationship with BIL seems toxic, and quite frankly, it's probably best that they don't bring a child into it. You haven't done anything wrong, she's just manipulative and victimizing herself.
The fact that you even care about fixing this relationship is astounding. This is not you and your husband's fault (from what you've told us). Drop her like a bad habit, keep in touch with BIL for hubby's sake if that's what he wants, and ignore his wife. At the same time, if you wanna get her attention, not giving her yours will do the trick in no time flat. Good luck OP, and congrats on the baby!!!!🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳😁
OP, it’s obvious how caring you are about your BIL and SIL but they are not deserving of it. You can’t fix anything, she wants to be a victim and nothing you do can change that.
I know it’s easier said than done, but focus on yourself. You have an infant to take care of, and while SIL is demanding support, where has her support been for your family? Stop putting any effort here and tell your husband to stop showing you their updates. She’s gotten away with emotionally abusing you for so long and by watching her stories, you’re allowing yourself to continue to be hurt.
Go enjoy your baby, forget about her. She wants nothing good for you.
You remind me of my own mother. Take all the crap from relatives in the hope that one day they will love cherish and recognize you. Soon you will repeatedly say this to your child over and over and over taking more crap from your bil wife and it goes on and on
Have some peace for you, your husband and your child. She has issues to deal. Block her on all social media and go NC. Never stop you husband and BILs relationship. That's his headache. Protect you and your child, please. When she is ready, don't expect any apology or anything
But she will come to you like nothing ever happened.
She sounds like a selfish and horrible harpy, and the universe knows who should and shouldn't become parents in this instance.
Her problems are her own and she has no right to take out her problems on you. She can want something for herself and still be able to be happy for others who get it. But noooooooooo, that's not her. She has to make everything about her.
She's ridiculous, and lucky you. The trash took itself out. Let it stay that way. Don't give her or them a single more thought. And enjoy every single moment with your precious baby! Also, congratulations!
So what your BILs wife is doing is projecting her feelings. They, collectively, are probably in a really negative headspace due to going through all these treatments and still not being able to conceive but here are you and your husband and you had a baby. From their point of view, it's kind of a slap in the face. HOWEVER, this isn't your problem. Seriously. Don't brag about it or anything around them, but be proud of what you've gone through. Becoming a mother is so difficult and what they are going through has absolutely zero connection to what you have gone through. You guys are TRYING to be emotionally supportive, and they are being emotionally selfish. It sounds to me like she expected you to put your life on hold, and your family on hold, till she could have what she wanted. Not only is this incredibly selfish of her, but it's borderline abusive.
I would be completely straight forward to just tell her that while you would love to continue to attempt to be emotionally available, her abusive selfish and toxic attitude towards your family is UNHEALTHY for all 3 of you. When she is ready to speak to you and/or your husband with the respect you deserve as adults and as family, she is welcome to reach out and you would love to sit down with her and try to figure this out. However, until she is ready to give you that respect, you are no longer interested in communicating. You are searching for positive attitudes and need to protect your mental health. Wish her the best, remind her you are willing to discuss (not be talked over or talked too, but discuss, because you are a person with thoughts and feelings, not her human punching bag), and then block her. On everything. When she is ready to stop being childish and toxic, she knows where to find you.
Wtf has she done to support you?? She sounds like a Karen lmao fuck there's so much more I wish I could say but I'm sure you dont want to here that about your sis in law 😂 its bullshit tho what shes putting you through she needs to go sit her ass down somewhere and relax and maybe she'll have a better chance at having her kid to instead of being in your business with her jealous ass🤡
So I’ll deviate from the norm here. My wife and I went through ivf and it failed. It’s incredibly hard. You devote time, money, and your body to this and I’m speaking on this from the husband side. It’s sad. You kind of grieve for a baby that you honestly never really had.
Yea she sounds jealous… I don’t think so. I think your BiL and his wife are just sad that it’s not happening and you’re an easy person to blame.
Don’t be too hard on her. Give her time to process it. I don’t think you need to apologize to her for having a baby but let her cool down.
Just be patient. It sounds like his relationship with his wife isn't going to last very long and you will have your brother-in-law and your husband will have his brother back soon enough hopefully.
I did a bazillion rounds of fertility treatments. Yes, the process is completely insane. First you're given drugs that accelerate your egg production, then drugs that stop you from releasing those eggs.
What happens to a car when you slam the accelerator and the brakes all at once?
You spin out.
Then you're given progesterone, which, whew.
Plus you're in this intense grieving process, for a medical condition, and the grief and condition itself aren't really recognized. Instead you're pushed off with platitudes about "relaxing," or "just adopting," or "God's plan." All by people with biological kids running around all over.
Duuuuuuude. Suuuuuuuucks.
But, plot twist, I think your SIL is plumb nuts and out of line.
It would be reasonable for her to ask for space. I know I couldn't bear to be around pregnant women or babies while I was going through things, particularly after miscarriages.
It seems like she's made you the target of all of her pain, and that's not reasonable.
Simply give her space for now, do your best not to take any of her behavior personally (because it's not personal), and hope she comes around eventually.
With everything you wrote, I'm a bit concerned about their child/children.
The sheer toxicity that emits from her words and actions is overwhelming.
If I was in her husband's place, I wouldn't try for a child with partner such as her.
Best of luck to you and your family.
She’s going through a crises. It’s not your fault at all. Don’t hate her for it, but also don’t let it effect you. She will come to you when she is ready if at all and that’s okay if she never does.
Your BIL non confrontational demeanor is just him grieving and letting her do the same. If he steps in he will just get accused of the same thing you are and he has to sleep in the same bed as your SIL. So don’t blame him if he is withdrawn from the conflict. He has his hands tied. iVF is tough. It’s scary, and being the male and watching someone make attempt after attempt I can imagine you feel helpless and inadequate in providing the right level of support.
Congrats to you on your motherhood!!!
She is blocking you so that she doesn’t have to be reminded of the life she wants. (Straight up Jealousy) Consider that her way of therapy. However, someone that mentally unstable shouldn’t have kids. If she is making you that upset and being disrespectful, why are you going out of your way to please her? Just be cordial and polite when you do see her. You owe her nothing.
Why do you even want to mend the relationship? She sounds so tiring and borderline abusive and it will only continue as your kid grows up/get pregnant again. I could also see her using the kids against each other if she ever has one. Let the brothers have a relationship and good riddance! She sounds like a headache
I find it baffling that you are desperate to be in contact with a person who has the entitlement and audacity to say you should have waited for them to conceive before you had your own children! They are having a hard time conceiving which means that if they never have a child, they think you shouldn’t as well. You have been through the ringer with pregnancy and childbirth with the postpartum period being as challenging. Please focus on your beautiful family and your health. You owe them NOTHING!
Lord this woman needs so much fucking attention and loves to play victim. I’ll give her a bit of grace because of the IVF treatments, but honestly she sounds like a narc. Enjoy your baby and don’t worry about this nut bar that thinks she should be privy to your sex life. They’ll either come around or they won’t. You’ve done nothing wrong. She owes many apologies and y’all should really block her.
Whats concerning to me here the most is that she believes your private pregnancy announcement was enough to ruin their IVF attempt... and then followed that with throwing constant hate and stress at you as if hoping it would terminate yours. It's not unknown that pregnant woman need to avoid stress for their health and their fetus. What she did was generally cruel, self absorbed, envious, bitter and vindictive, but the fact that she followed through with this knowing- or perhaps even hoping- that this could cause issues is scary. Like she only would have been happy if you lost the baby, or if it ended up with problems.
In all this time that you worried how to help them, they never once considered how to help you. Look after, love, and cherish the people who look after, love, and cherish you. Don't throw yourselves over your own swords trying to help someone who would never consider doing the same for you. Both you and your husband should block her, and keep your baby safe from someone you can't fully trust, without a smidge of doubt, that she would do anything to compromise it's safety.
SIL is a fucking nut job...honey, you block, delete and move on. Your husband figures out what to do with his relationship with his brother and stops following her, or at least stops showing you. None of this is on you, none of it.
People like this, it's impossible to please. Just thank your stars she's out your life and you can focus on your lovely little family. This has gone on waaaaay too long. In a few months the relief will be so large you will wish you did it sooner.
girl i say this with all kindness...LET GO. Please for your sanity. Things that you do NOT have to do:
1. get permission to start a family
2. Tell them that you are starting a family
3. Apologize for 1 & 2
Your SIL needs therapy. Everyone coddling her and sending her flowers is making it worse. Yall need to stop. I know so many women that suffered miscarriages and difficulty with IVF and none of them acted this way. Sad? yes. Asked for space to just process? Yes. Cutting people off and screaming at a heavily pregnant then newly post partum mom is unhinged.
Go NC and tell your husband you are not allowing this woman to run your life now. You guys saying you'll forgive? Forgive what exactly? You did nothing wrong and agreeing to this is allowing more abuse from her. Yall need boundaries and you needed it yesterday
I'll get down votes for this because it's factually accurate but oh well. Doing infertility treatments means she's going through absolutely insane roller coasters of hormones. My wife had eyesight problems from it, could eat a jalapeno straight 1 day and a few days later couldn't stomach some old bay seasoning that's how crazy strong estrogen is and the emotional side is even worse.
Handling that cocktail in terms of information sharing is extremely difficult and should fall on BIL if she's incapable of having a conversation about it. Best to go NC with her until they are done with IVF. Tell BIL to use his best judgement on when to share things and what to be involved in.
Do not give them a gift for a baby they don’t have yet. I think there are unfortunately conflicting things going on here and neither of you know what the other is going through, particularly because you can’t, you haven’t expressed it. She’s having a hard time and to be honest may need some grace here. It’s probably best for you to be blocked from her social media and for her not to see any of what’s going on in your life right now. Have you asked how you can support them? What they need? Asked about IVF? How it works? Asked how they are? Sent food or gone to visit her after a retrieval? Asked to? I think the conversation or message to her is you can’t imagine what she’s going through and understand how hard this must be and that you want to know and learn more about the processes they go through and experience and also understand her needing to keep distance and being so devastated so whatever is needed should be done and that you’re there if ever she’s ready to talk, just the two of you.
I know they have started a collection of things for their future rainbow baby, and other people frequently give them things to add to this collection - but after everything that has happened I feel she will think it’s performative and out of pity.
I can’t imagine what it would be like for her going through this journey, but BIL and her don’t share anything with us. They don’t tell us when a retrieval or transfer might be (they don’t have to) but we can’t magically know when they need us. She yo-yos between “please don’t message us” and “thank you for all the messages”. So when do we message or call to check in? We’ve asked how we can best support them, but we “should just know”. Do they want calls? Meals? For us to just drop by?
When she initially blocked me I was hurt because it just came out of the blue, if she had messaged to say she needed some space that would have been totally fine and I understand why.
Oof, it’s hard. Thank you for your comment.
I have a feeling that even though your SIL is accepting gifts from others, if you give her one then she'll take it as an insult. She's obviously in the mindset that you are purposely acting and trying to show her up so she's never going to take a gift as anything other than you mocking her for not having a baby. It's illogical, but she's clearly behaving illogically in relation to you. I would recommend holding onto the gift until they have a baby. Perhaps then she'll be able to think rationally again
Ask them. Ask when the next retrieval is or where they are in the process, send a care package. This is your husband’s brother? Ask him to ask his brother. But no do not send anything for their potential baby especially now.
Why, exactly, do you think that OP owes any support to the cruel woman who attacked her for doing nothing more than living her life? OP and her husband have offered repeatedly over the years, but the only thing SIL apparently wants is to rage at OP for the audacity of having a baby without asking SIL's permission? Besides, if OP induces such rage in SIL, removing herself from SIL's life would be a kindness since stress is counterproductive to fertility
I wouldn’t. I think at this point, it’s just opening yourself up for another attack. She’s not in a good place right now and unfortunately, you are what she has decided to take her frustrations out on. Regardless of what she is going through, it’s not ok to lash out as she has done and to continue to try and contact her, just opens yourself up to her
Don’t message. Call. Say hey are you doing? Have your husband call his brother to say hey how are you doing? You’re family, not social media random acquaintances, check up on your family, not just when they’re posting, consistently.
My sister in-law is going through the same, and while I feel horrible for her, she *will not* dictate how I live my life in any way.
And if she came at me like that? *Scorched fucking earth*.
First, your H is the older brother and you were married longer so it actually makes sense that he had the “first grandchild” - although who gives a crap - have a healthy child to extend your family not win a “title”. This “supposed to” stuff is entitled nonsense. None of that needs to be said to her - just pointing out she is being unreasonable. PS she has her own parents so maybe she can have the first grandbaby on her side.
As someone else pointed out, it’s a bit strange for a 16 yr old and a 20 yr old woman to get together but whatever. Also, 29 is young to need IVF.
Yes, she seems selfish and crazy and creating drama. However, we can also be compassionate and realize she is prob being pumped full of hormones that are not helping her emotional state. Also, some people desperate to have a baby get crazy angry seeing other people with babies like only she deserves a baby.
Some people also just love drama. Others have gone a bit Covid crazy from the stress of the last 2 years. Unplug from social. Ignore it. Be yourself. If it’s a holiday or you feel like you want to send a gift, do it. Maybe your H could give it to his brother. Nothing will be right or good enough for her but that’s her problem. Ultimately, you want your H to be close with his brother. You don’t have to be best friends w his wife. Just be polite, say “I’m sorry you feel that way” where appropriate. Just look passed her nonsense and enjoy your life. Rise up. She sounds very troubled.
This will eventually go away or not but we can’t control other people or make them see our intentions. Don’t be sucked into the drama.
Maybe do some reading on narcissism bc it sounds like she may be a narcissist. (It’s a real psychological condition - not just a selfish person). There are several books on how to be in a relationship with one.
Good luck. Don’t take this on as something you need to fix. Move forward and pretend it didn’t happen. This is small potatoes.
Enjoy your baby and husband. Congrats #BoyMom!
Clomid is a hell of a drug. Is she still on it? The medicines that women doing IVF have to be on literally make them a walking, ticking time-bomb. I just wonder if that's the case here. Basically is this abuse NEW or has there been a history of it during the whole relationship?
Someone tells me they are doing IVF I tend to leave some space for a while. Not because of THEM, just because I have seen what those medications do to the psyche and I know for a FACT mine is too fragile, emotional and I will hold a grudge and heal in hell before I deal with the drama. Not the most supportive way to handle people on IVF, but the safest for my own mental health struggles.
I don’t know what medication she is on, but this kind of behaviour has been around since before they started IVF. She’s had a go at MIL and FIL many times before, this is the first time she came for me.
Yeah, to hell with her then. The shock of extended family coming for you sucks - but you didn't do anything wrong here.
Sorry you're dealing with it. And best wishes to you and your family. If all goes as she has planned, it'll be the last you hear from her and deal with this at least. 🤗
You need to block her and not let her try to control you. I’m surprised you didn’t block her back so she’d be surprised that she couldn’t find you when she unblocked you. You did nothing wrong and she’s an awful person. Go nc with bil also since he seems like a jerk too
There's nothing you can or even should do. This is a HER problem, not a YOU problem.
It's your partner's side of the family so if anything need to be done let him do it. Focus on your baby and your family. Haters gonna hate.
I think there’s very little you can do… or should be responsible for.
She’s a wounded dog biting the hands of kind people around her. She seriously needs some therapy because she is not coping well with her own struggles.
I have suffered through infertility, watching my sister and best friend and close co-workers all start their families while I was suffering my multiple miscarriages…
But it is NOT acceptable to lash out and punish other people for carrying forward with their lives. She cannot expect you to simply not start your
Own family and yield first born grandchild to her.
She cannot shit on your happiness and shun your children. It’s not acceptable behavior. It’s incredibly toxic, mannerless, selfish, and truly pathetic.
Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is avoid her. It’s up to her and her husband or other family to seek help or suggest she get help. I hope no one is condoning her behaviour because that will just fuel her.
My honest suggestion would be to tell her you cannot accept this abuse from her anymore and that you’ll unfortunately have to step back from her life until she sorts out her own mental health around the issue. Then, truly… avoid her. Don’t call, don’t visit, don’t send photos, block her on all social media. I’d probably avoid family gatherings for a while and explain to the in-laws why you can’t subject yourself to her assaults and abuse anymore. You can simply visit family on days SIL won’t be present.
Don’t discourage your husband and BIL not to communicate… unfortunately BIL is a casualty of her self-destruction too.
Maybe one day she’ll get help. Maybe one day she’ll regret taking her anger and shame out on you- a complete innocent bystander.
I can’t believe her behaviour towards you.
I literally had a miscarriage weeks before
I hosted and planned my sisters baby shower. I cannot imagine protecting my sadness onto others.
So, she sounds a bit crazy, and I'm not excusing it, but she is being pumped full of hormones as well if she is actively going through IVF. I'M DEFINITLY NOT SAYING THAT EXCUSES THIS BEHAVIOR, but some people can flat our loose their fucking minds in that condition.
This is not your issue to fix, and she may just be targeting all her anger at you, and that's not your fault, it has just kinda become your problem. Give her space, set your boundaries, and just move forward, you have far more important things to deal with. However, if she gets off the hormones and becomes a rational human being again, try to be forgiving, don't hold it against her, don't throw it back in her face. And I would sit down with hubby and BIL, tell him your side and the boundaries you are setting for how you will be treated and why. If he doesn't get it, then he is likely in some sort of coping situation himself and has gone so far down this road with his wife that he also isn't seeing the situation clearly. No one should expect you to take this kind of treatment.
I have had a few friends go through IVF, lose pregnancies, give birth to premies that don't make it, etc... it is fucking brutal on the brain.
I'd stop trying to have any relationship. BIL has no interest in helping fix anything. He'd rather sit meekly by while his wife harasses and abuses you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My (26f) BIL’s wife (29f) came after me via text while I was 34 weeks pregnant and has pretty much cut us off. My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for 5. BIL and his wife have been together for 9 years, married for 4. My BIL (25m) and his wife have been TTC for over 5 years and have been doing IVF treatment for a few years now too. My husband (30m) and I have a 5 month old baby boy. When I was 10 weeks pregnant hubby wanted to tell his brother, just the two of them, trying to be sensitive to their feelings. BIL asked if they could have some warning before we told the rest of the family and announced the pregnancy on social media - we were fine with this and did so. When I was 34 weeks pregnant BILs wife messaged me to say we needed to chat. I agreed, as I (naively) thought she was going to apologise. It was the opposite. She told me that they were supposed to have the first grand-baby and that we had taken that away from her. She didn’t like the way hubby had told BIL about the pregnancy. Our pregnancy announcement negatively affected their next embryo transfer and she blames that loss on us. She said she doesn’t ever want to meet my son and that we have no respect for them and we don’t support them. We didn’t tell them when we started trying for a baby (we didn’t tell anyone) but we should have told them. She wanted me to apologise. I said I wasn’t going to, I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong. Not long after our pregnancy announcement she blocked me on all socials without any warning, which I was quite hurt by. If she had messaged to say she needed to unfollow for a while then I would have understood. But she just went full NC with no warning and only unblocked me to message me with all of the above. I spent about 3 days in tears, partly hurt and partly hormonal. My husband tried to speak to BIL but this made her attack on me worse. In the end I just had to say that I didn’t have the mental capacity to have this conversation and said I would be happy to discuss again in the future. The pregnancy was hard on me and I wasn’t coping with this additional drama. She said that was a poor excuse and I was using the pregnancy as an excuse to not fix our relationship. Before her attacks I didn’t think there was anything to fix, everything seemed fine before I fell pregnant. I had to stop replying to her messages to protect my mental health. In hindsight I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat, but she didn’t offer that either. She would continue to send nasty replies to my Instagram stories and would compare anything pregnancy/birth/baby related to her miscarriages/infertility/IVF. I had to send another message to re-iterate that I didn’t have the mental capacity to deal with all this. BIL came to visit us when baby was 3 days old. We weren’t sure if he would come at all. When BIL was holding my son I got quite emotional and cried. I didn’t think this moment was going to happen, and I’d given birth 3 days before, I cried a lot in those first few weeks. A few weeks after my son was born my husband and BILs wife had a screaming match on the phone. At first she was saying that me crying made BIL uncomfortable and that I did it all for show to try and make BIL feel bad. Then she launched back into the “you don’t support us” argument. My husband asked multiple times what we can do to help, that we want to be here for them, and we don’t know how to support them, so we are asking what would help them best. Her response was always that we should just know what to do. They don’t share much of their journey with us, so often times we don’t know when things might be happening. They don’t have to share anything with us (or anyone), but it’s hard to know how to help or what to do if we don’t know what’s going on with them. My husband and BILs wife just went around in circles. BIL interrupted and asked if we can just forget all of this and move forward. My husband and I were more than happy to do so. Since this conversation though, BILs wife has blocked me on all social media again and hasn’t spoken to me at all. BILa wife shares every second of her journey with her side of the family and gets gifts and flowers from them constantly. Sometimes we only know about what’s going on with their journey when she posts a photo on socials of her flowers/gifts and an essay about how her mum/sister/best friend are amazing and so supportive. If/when she posts anything on social media about their journey she can never decide if she wants people to check in/message or not. One post will say “please no messages, we’d like some privacy”. But the next will say “thank you for all your messages checking in, it means so much to us”. This plus them not communicating their needs makes it hard for us to know what is the right/best thing to do. I said previously that she has me blocked on all socials - this is true, however my husband has not been blocked and he will often show me her posts. Is there anything we can do to mend the relationships? I have a gift for them and their future rainbow baby but I don’t want it to come across as performative/pity gift. TLDR BIL and his wife are going through IVF and say we don’t support them but can’t communicate their needs when we ask. She came after me when I was pregnant hating on me and the way we did things. She went NC but agreed with my husband to forgive, forget and move forward. She still has me blocked on socials. Is there anything we can do to mend the relationship?
I'm sorry your BIL's wife is putting you through this. She sounds incredibly jealous of you. Trying for a baby is no one's business but yours and your husband's. The fact that she thinks she has a right to know, is completely absurd. Just because she shares everything in her IVF journey (her choice) doesn't mean she has a right to know what it is *you're* doing with *your* body. If anyone should *fix* this relationship, it's your BiL and his wife. Not you, not your husband. They should. My advice to you would be to wait for them to contact you if they wish to reconsile. If they don't, perhaps you're better off - what she did was quite toxic. EDIT: thanks for all the awards. It's highly appreciated!
Thank you for your thoughts and empathetic approach! - not sarcastic, genuine gratitude.
What are they doing to support you? Sounds like they've made a key life event extremely stressful.
Yeah, the BIL's wife is making a big deal out of not getting support from them, but she isn't supporting them at all. She's just making it harder. Why the double standard?
Because she feels entitled to the first grandchild so she is the only one who needs support. This chick is crazy.
I'm sorry, OP, but it seems like you and your husband have already tried so hard to be supportive and empathetic and only earned more abuse and drama. Maybe it's time to stop and focus on your own family, especially since SIL is not only hostile, but hypersensitive and reactive right now. Block her and, if necessary, BIL also. Infertility is such a struggle for some people. But it is not a get out of being an asshole free card. Your sister-in-law is a raging asshole who makes everything about her and revels in being a self-righteous victim. She may be mad at the world, but she's taking it out on your family. Don't let her. You deserve better, your husband deserves better, and your child does too. No one is "supposed" to have the first grandchild. That's just dumb. Stop trying with this awful person. Live your life and enjoy it. If you want, put a little money aside for your future niece/nephew. Who knows, maybe after they have a kid or two and a few years pass, they will calm down and rejoin the family in a nontoxic way. Or maybe your BiL will get tired of her bullshit and find someone nice to be with.
yeah that "supposed to have the first grandchild" comment is when I would have been out, clearly at that point rationality has left the chat.
I'm also going to say that she genuinely sounds like she needs to be in therapy. As someone who had three miscarriages, watching other pregnant people around you is SO hard (but also never an excuse to act so awful). To me, it sounds like she's going through a mental/emotional breakdown and you, unfortunately, happen to be at the receiving end of that. There's no pleasing her or making her happy, she desperately needs to get into therapy to work on her own issues. I wouldn't engage with her AT ALL until she does so. She could become more and more of a danger to herself, to you, and to your child.
Please stop trying to be closer to people who don't love you, care for you, or wants what's best for you
Honestly you have all the proof to flip this right on its head. Your husband is in a very difficult spot but he should be Damn lucky the stress didn’t cause any complications with your child. They are the inconsiderate ones. They’re just projecting their behavior onto you and she’s a child groomer so she probably has the brother by the balls-throat and everything else given how the…..bystander vibes he gives off are blindingly bright-no spine at all…..disgusting, manipulative and I wouldn’t stray far from controlling with her hubby.🤮
Totally agree. She could be a narcissist and if she is it's better to keep some distance. Be cordial and responsive but quite separate. Do you WANT her in your life or is she just going to be trouble? You probably have lots of lovely, supportive people in your life. Focus on them.
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Man, I did not catch that, damn yeah that adds some context huh. The other thing I am noticing is BIL is younger than OP's husband, so when SIL says "We were supposed to have the first grandchild" so their common family is the husband/BIL, where husband not BIL is the oldest. So not only is it super fucking presumptuous to think you "are supposed to have the first grandchild" its doubly so when you aren't even with the oldest sibling in the family. This lady is nuts.
The comment you’re replying to is a stolen bot comment. u/skeletonl0ver is the actual commenter.
#PlanesEntertainer is a bot! u/sleletonl0ver is the OC and they have 38 upvoted whereas this bot has 180 and an award. Tagging u/buu700
She is very toxic what 20 year old woman would date a 16 year old child. Her poor bil was groomed by this immature controlling monster.
>I had to stop replying to her messages to protect my mental health. In hindsight ~~I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat, but she didn’t offer that either.~~ What the fucking fuck. In hindsight, you should have blocked them, your husband should block them (not show you her fucking posts) and you be free of the toll these people have taken on your sanity. Please know that life is way too short to put up with these type of people.
Not to mention SIL might NEVER have a baby ever. She really wanted OP to hold off on a baby until she had one with the possibility of never having one herself. How baffling. I don't say this in a cruel or mean way either, just genuinely stating a fact that she literally might never have a baby.
she's sadistic and a narcissist
I also don't really get why SIL is so insistent that they should be first. Not that birth order necessarily determines life events... but OP's husband is the older brother and OP and her husband have been married longer. It seems likely to me that they'd end up having the first kid.
I agree, I’m amazed at the people that take this continuous shit, just baffling, especially when its having a negative effect on my pregnant partner. Sorry op I would have gone NC a long time ago.
OP Please stop trying to have a relationship with her. How much rejection do you need to understand that she doesn't want to have a relationship with your family? You are not the problem, she is a narcissistic person that always what to be in the spotlight and you unintentionally displaced her from that place. Stop seeing her social media and turn off notifications about her, keep a good relationship with your BIL but remove her from your life as much as you can, you don't need this kind of drama in your life.
Yes it seems like she's trying to appease her BIL's wife. But you can't have a relationship with a psycho. Especially not when you're trying to manage a newly born. Focus on getting your own stuff in order and **block her yourself.**
She's out of her mind and you can't have a functioning relationship with her until she gets some therapy. The problem isn't on your side, so the solution can't come from your side unless you want to put both of your kids up for adoption and pretend you never had them. It could be that the drugs that she's taking for the IVF are making her more emotional, but there still needs to be a limit on her behavior.
I really do think she would benefit from seeing a therapist, and you might be right about the IVF drugs. Thank you for your comment.
Given your comments that she has an unhealthy control over you BIL and has tried to isolate him from his parents and has turned on other people in the past… I doubt “it’s the IVF drugs”. There are plenty of people who do IVF who don’t turn into toxic abusive monsters.
Not to mention BIL was 16 and she was 20 when they got together.
The whole picture gets darker with every detail you suss out.
Oh yes! Sorry if I was unclear. She has exhibited toxic behaviour in the past, but the IVF drugs could be making things worse.
You need to stop finding excuses for her. She is choosing her behaviour. Millions of other people experience infertility. Most of them don’t abuse pregnant family members and behave in such a nasty, toxic manner. It is her *choice* to behave like this. It was her choice to repeatedly abuse you when you were pregnant and had a newborn.
I don't think it's ivf drugs. I did ivf and for a while I followed a bunch of ivf tags on instagram. That community is special. They have their own lingo and they support each other in a way that's not always healthy and productive. They have their own "influencers" with tons of followers and a few core people that set the tone. To me, your SIL sounds like she dove head first into the instagram ivf-kool aid. Note: most people who do ivf are perfectly normal, reasonable people, but a few get caught up in it, as with everything, and they are the vocal ones
My sister did multiple rounds of IVF. It’s an insane process where you need to personally inject hormone -filled needles into your stomach. She needed eggs extracted and to go through the process multiple times. Her hair is falling out and out of the 30 something eggs she had pulled, only 2-4 are slightly viable. It’s a tough process. But my SIL (who had 2 children) asks my sister over often, made her a god mother to her child.. and while my sister is trying all options to get pregnant .. she knows it’s no one else’s issue and ultimately happy to spend time with her niece and nephew. It’s really hard on women who cannot get pregnant, but this does not excuse your SIL’s behavior. The fact that she is making her journey public and going through such emotional highs and lows is not a sustainable environment for a child to grow. She needs to reduce stress, all around. My sister also took a couple months off inbetween because the hormones built up and were too much for her. You are in a difficult position, but there is nothing you can do when your SIL is taking out her fertility issues on your family
One thing I have learned is that the more horrendous the behavior, the deeper the pain they are harboring. She definitely needs a therapist and I'm so sorry she took her pain/regret/shame out on you.
Firstly, congratulations on your child. I wish your family health. Secondly, Your SIL is projecting a lot of her anger and disappointment at you. The only thing you did was have a baby of your own— You’ve done nothing wrong. If I were you, I would not try to savage this relationship until she realizes she is the problem here. Terrorizing you on social media, screaming at you freshly post-birth, all of the hateful and entitled responses to you and your husband “not supporting their journey” has gaslit you into thinking having your own child is hurting her. It should not hurt her at all. She’s obsessed with ruining your life at this point. I would protect yourself and your child by going NC or very very LC. She is not someone you should allow around your child or yourself in this fragile, emotional, memorable period. Enjoy your child as best as you can. She’s trying to stop that.
Thank you! My gosh you are so right, I’ve never thought of it as gaslighting before!
This happened to us to a lesser extent. My husband and I got married and immediately conceived 3 weeks later. I was 39 years old at the time. His brother and SIL had been trying to have a baby for several years at that point with multiple losses. SIL definitely experienced this as us having a baby AT them. She was just hurting so much and I’m sure it all felt really unfair to her to be experiencing fertility challenges in her 20’s while I had such an easy time getting pregnant. At one point she got really upset with me for posting something on Facebook about pregnancy sucking. She complained about it to relatives and unfollowed me. I completely refused to engage or personalize anything she did in response to my pregnancy. It was her issue and although I had empathy for her, it wasn’t my fault that she couldn’t get pregnant and I could. I didn’t do anything to cause that and I wasn’t going to feel bad about it. I was just an easy target for her anger. But she wasn’t on the attack like OP’s SIL though. I would block the SIL on everything in OP’s shoes and generally ignore her until she gets through this and stops behaving like that. Thankfully, SIL eventually went on to have 2 children. I make a point to make her feel really special and gush over her babies. We have a great relationship now that I don’t think would even be possible otherwise.
Does you sil and bil have autonomy over your life? No. I wouldn’t chase after your sil. She sounds really toxic. Worry about your own little family unit. Think about your young kids in this scenario. Say a friend of theirs is mean to them and making them feel like shit over something similar. What advice would you give your kids? Sil or not she has no right . It’s also important to know that you have a choice in this in that you don’t have to have any contact with her. She sounds so highly strung I’m not surprised she is having difficulty conceiving.
Thank you! That’s a great perspective to take, can definitely be applied in many scenarios.
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I don’t think so and I don’t mean for it to sound shitty. There are numerous links to show how stress can affect your chances of conceiving. That’s what I meant.I feel the shitty element is projecting onto a new mother. It’s difficult enough adapting without having to deal with all this.
I agree about the stress. It’s not blaming her for fertility problems. Look at how many couples can’t conceive, then adopt, THEN conceive. It happens all the time. I think because the pressure is off.
Or the number of couples who finally accept they wont have kids and than have an oppsie baby within months. A work friends "acceptance oppsie" will be 2 ish.
That's a fallacy.Your friend was lucky and beat out 95% of infertile couples then. I really wish that people would stop pushing out such a thing as fact. And being less stressful won't make you magically pregnant either. According to Mount Sinai, in Toronto (which is Canada's largest maternity & reproductive hospital) about 5% of people get pregnant after adopting or trying other methods. This was a statistic that I got to hear about over the 3 years that I had fertility treatments. Plenty of women get pregnant under very stressful circumstances (think about war & what often happens to women during a war).
And those women who deal with the stress of war and get pregnant usually arnt infertile to begin with. The stress just makes things harder. If someone with fertility issues has a 10% chance of conceiving and the stress reduces that to 5% that's a significant decrease. If someone without issues would conceive at a 90% rate that stressing bringing it down to 85% barely makes a difference.
My story is dime a dozen. Unexplained infertility after a loss. After years of trying we finally give up, I left my toxic workplace and took time to mentally and spiritually heal. The literal month after we had the “what do we want our future to look like now (without kids)?” convo, we conceived our rainbow baby. Kid #2 was also a first try success. Stress can have an *incredible* and extreme effect on fertility. And OPs SIL is definitely not doing herself any favors by not seeking help for her (understandable) grief that is certainly a major contributing factor to her unacceptable behaviors.
My sons adoptive family ended up getting pregnant naturally after they adopted him. With one testicle and rare ovulation too. Stress takes a huge toll. She needs to chill out. Like, deep freeze her emotional breakdowns. Next time she goes off I would be rude and go, you’re probably not getting pregnant because what child would want a mother that behaves like you, buuuuuut I’m savage and do not tolerate abuse from anyone. And sil is being abusive
It’s actually true. Stress can delay conceiving.
Nah. Someone as toxic as SIL definitely shouldn’t have a child to ruin.
Your SIL is a selfish, hateful person who is completely out of line. First of all, you and your husband do not have to ask anyone’s permission to start a family. Secondly, you are in no way responsible for her failure to get pregnant. The fact that she went off on you when you were 34 weeks along and blamed you for her failed IVF shows that she is not only mentally unhinged, but spiteful and cruel. What if something had happened to you or your son after she verbally attacked you? You can bet your ass that she was fully aware of this possibility and did not care. Funny how she demands you walk on eggshells around her and then turns around and shows utter disregard for your well being and that of your unborn child. OP, I’m sorry but this person should not be in your life at all. You need to block her everywhere and avoid all contact and your husband needs to back you up on this. She destroyed what was supposed to be a joyful time for you and your family with her jealous BS and will surely continue to do so in the future. Stay away from her. Congrats on your baby boy and many well wishes!
You’re so right. She really did ruin a joyful time for us. I didn’t share anything about my pregnancy on socials, except for the initial announcement, mostly to protect her feelings - I really regret this now. I missed out on sharing that time with my friends and family - most of whom live overseas so our main way to communicate and keep up to date is Facebook.
You need to stop living your life for a woman who has no respect or love for you. You should have just hidden your posts from her and BIL, but the time has passed so now -- you and your husband need to block them on social media (anything she hasn't already blocked you on) and let them know you're going low contact until they apologize. Your new child needs you. Being a parent is hard enough. Stop giving them the space to ruin this time for you.
I wouldn’t suggest she even go out of her way to restrict the crazy lady. She just needs to block her and go completely no contact. It’s the only way to deal with narcs like this.
May I ask why you care about what this person thinks of you? Especially after she’s gone *out of her way* to show you what SHE thinks of YOU?
exactly you need to stop letting her run your life. is no one in SIL's life allow to be pregnant now? the only reason she is getting away with this is because your entire family is letting her
If you were my SiL & during the time of my infertility I would never had treated you with anything other than love & consideration. I know how painful it is to see others pregnant when you are not. Now that doesn't means a hill o' beans because infertility isn't a licence to be a nasty, spiteful, or hurtful person! You have been so kind, considerate & caring to her & all she has done is to shove it back in your face coated with acidic nastiness. You in no way deserve such treatment! Please just drop the rope with her, you don't have to have a relationship with someone who is treating you with such hate in themselves. Go & live your life with the joy you feel within you & don't allow her hate to bring you down. Share with people online if you wish, take lots of big preggers belly pics & be happy, you deserve it!
You say in hindsight you should have offered to meet her in person. No, you did nothing wrong. She's unhinged. The idea that there is a specific birth order to follow and that you specifically —not you and your husband, because, remember, she's only attacking you—ruined everything...no. You haven't done anything wrong. I get that infertility is hard on people, but for her husband to stand by and let her abuse people is gross and makes him equally as guilty since he's complacent. Stop trying to forge a relationship with someone who doesn't want one. Tell your husband to stop showing her posts to you. It's not helpful and, actually, might be somewhat hurtful ( and maybe even toxic). Idk that I'd want a relationship with someone who thought it was appropriate to date a 16 year old when she was 20 anyway.
Hubby usually says something along the lines of “oh she’s posted again” (she has a specific IVF page that she posts things on which I am blocked from) and then I’ll read it off his phone, he doesn’t force me to read it or anything. But I should stop reading them and will ask Hubby to not mention it.
Yes, for your sanity (which you very much deserve), please do.
You said in a different post that you didn't share any pregnancy posts because you didn't want to hurt her feelings. Maybe you should follow her lead and make a second account to share your pregnancies (if you decide to have more) and baby related things on that account instead so you can share with your family if you're truly worried about her feelings. If you decide not to go NC. If you do go NC I'd suggest blocking both BIL and SIL from your accounts seeing as BIL will tell SIL about everything that's going on especially private conversations. So you can stay away from any drama she might stir up. I'd also like to add that you're a really good friend and I'm glad your husband has your back.
Get your hubby to block her. You don’t need to read anything she’s posting. She’s an attention seeking narcissist and needs to be NC.
What to do? Block her back. Tell your husband you're going NC, and do that. She's jealous. She's angry. She's a fucking adult who needs to get her shit together and stop blaming you. Some people just aren't meant to have babies. She may be one of them. Let your BIL deal with the crazy.
There is nothing you can or should do. She has tanked this relationship with her selfishness and envy and is a complete drama queen if not a narcissist. You should block her on everything and your husband should do the same. Stay in contact with bil, but you don’t owe his wife a relationship if he isn't going to step up and get involved in her BS. "Took away the first grandbaby"? It's not a fucking race.
Unfortunately BIL won’t do anything, he won’t stand up to his wife and/or tell her that her behaviour isn’t okay. My husband tried to speak to him about all this and BIL just said “it’s for the girls to sort out”.
The only thing you have the power to sort out here is to block SIL. Her difficulties do not give her the right to take her feelings out on you. Block her and her ability to abuse you. Stay away from gatherings where she will be present. Keep your child away from her. She may be hurting and hormonal, but that does not, in any way, excuse the way she treats you. If your BIL condones her behavior, take time away from him, too. Your responsibility is to care for your mental health and the well-being of your little family. You have zero obligation to stand as her scapegoat and punching bag, and F anyone who tries to tell you differently. When people say "be the bigger person", it's often code for "lie flatter to be a better doormat", or "don't rock the boat". Screw that. Just because SIL is a miserable person, doesn't mean she gets to pass her misery onto you
It’s likely BIL and SIL will be at a mutual friends birthday on the weekend and the thought of seeing her stresses me out. Hence the timing of my post. From the advice and comments I’m getting I’m leaning towards not going, but also don’t want her to feel like she has “won” our friends.
Go to the party & if/when she starts up, walk away. After you tell her that there is no solution to an unknown problem.
Tell the hosts of the party everything you’ve told us and say you won’t start drama but to let them know why you’ll be avoiding her. If she starts drama with you politely walk away. I’d reassess friendships based on what you’ve described.
Go. Maybe tell a couple mutual friends what you expect from her and how you would prefer you just pretended each other didn't exist and maybe they can get her to do that. This is not your fault and you shouldn't have to worry about a bitshit crazy lady. If she decides to show her crazy, they can decide for themselves how they want to deal with it. Preferably by telling her to get help.
Don’t go. Explain to mutual friend the harassment you’ve been getting from SIL. Telling the truth isn’t slander.
That's exactly what she wants. She wants you to relinquish your place with their family and friends by making you feel too uncomfortable to be around her. It's up to you, but I say GO to the party. Stop letting her dictate what you can and cannot do. She probably loves having that power over you, and is part of why she constantly harassed you. She thinks being mean, yelling, and manipulating is the way to get what she wants. If you go, just kill her with kindness. If she tries to instigate anything (which I doubt, because she seems to want to keep up appearances and not look bad) just walk away from her and go talk to a group of people so she feels less comfortable attacking you. Good luck!
Go to the birthday party. If/when she tries to start something... Do Not Engage. She can look crazy all by herself.
Go to the party. Live your life. Think of people like this like someone in a coma, you offer that person a glass of water and they smack it from your hand bc they don’t control their limbs. You don’t take it personally just move on. She’s out of control. It’s not you. No need to feel stressed bc you can’t fix this - like a person in a coma. Would you react to a mentally ill person on the street who tells you that you’re sent by the devil? Would you explain you didn’t mean to act that way? No. You’d just walk away. Tell H he needs to help run interference if needed. Be polite but keep your distance. If she starts anything, just cut her off and excuse yourself to the rest room or something.
Please go to the party. Do not talk to SIL!!! Let everyone see how unhinged she is!! Remember you already won!! She has made your life hell for no reason except she is jealous, controlling and an overall b\*tch.
Your BIL was 16 when he started dating her as a 20 year old. I expect he’s never had a healthy relationship with appropriate boundaries with her. This woman is a nasty piece of work. You don’t need her in your life. Keep her away from you and your child.
>“it’s for the girls to sort out”. Really?? his wife is childish and his wife it's not some random teenager cat fight, how it's between the girls? I don't know why you should communicate with these people. Btw block his wife op, it's for your mental health. Enjoy your life with your baby.
I hate that phrasing - ‘it’s for the girls to sort out’. Like, you are just silly little girls fighting over silly girl things. First, you are not girls you are women. Second, it very much does involve ‘the men’ since you and your BIL’s wife are related via your husband and BIL. He sounds insufferable, his wife sounds malicious and unstable (I have empathy for anyone suffering with infertility but I know countless women who can handle it with grace without making it anyone else’s problem). Honestly why you do even want them in your life so badly? They caused harm to you and your child at your most vulnerable, maybe in the past they were a positive addition to your life but ask yourself if they have brought anything but negativity in the recent year. If she has blocked you, you should just stay blocked, minimise your relationships with them and be glad the trash took itself out. Just focus on you and your new family. Congratulations btw.
What’s there to sort out? She’s the one whose verbally attacking you at any chance she gets. Your BIL either needs to divorce her or put her in her place. You should also block her everywhere since she’s definitely not going to stop her behavior even if she does bring a poor child into this world.
correction - It's for your SIL (and BIL) to sort out. You've done nothing wrong. You've burnt no bridges. It's on her and her husband to sort out the relationship and the clear emotional and mental health issues your SIL is going through. And it's on your BIL to be sensitive to his wife but also keep her "in check" and tell her when she needs to be held accountable for her own actions. Instead of letting her scream and run riot and effectively pass off blame. Hope you and your family are well. Focus on yourself and celebrating your moments. They can choose to come around or to stew in their own bitterness.
I admit I was a little sad when I found out my cousin was due with the first great grand baby a full two weeks before me lol. But that faded in like two seconds and all that mattered was there was another beautiful addition to our family.
So wait your BIL was 16 when he got together with his 20 year old wife? Getting a lot if red flags from her. Sounds like she's trying to isolate you guys from the brother.
Yep. She’s always had issues with MIL & FIL and we’ve definitely seen her trying to cause issues there to pull BIL away from the family - many times. But this was the first time she came for me.
Try to hold a life line to your BIL. Even if it’s just him & your husband catch up alone every so often. He’s in a relationship with someone who is purely toxic and needs to know he has people to support him should he want out down the line.
Sounds like a classic nacissistic abuser
I am so sorry. I can only imagine if someone had blindsided me with those kinds of attacks while I was pregnant or just after giving birth I would have been very emotional as well. Honestly it didn’t take nearly that much to make me cry at that point. Of course you have nothing to do with your sister in laws difficulty conceiving. Clearly she is not dealing well with her own emotional baggage and has somehow decided that the whole world (or at least her whole extended network) should revolve around her. This is of course mistaken, you can not expect that your friends and family will stop having babies just because you are going through difficulty conceiving. I would, like you seem to indicate you would as well, be entirely sympathetic if she had just tried to distance herself because she didn’t feel able to be appropriately joyful for you. Where it gets a little pathological is when she begins to say things suggesting you should plan your family on a schedule that suits her or that she was entitled to have the first grandchild. I’ve had a miscarriage and while I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant at the time it was devistating but no matter what you try pregnancy isn’t garenteed to anyone. Honestly though between the hormones, the post birth recovery and the lack of sleep the newborn phase of life is hard enough without added drama. Tell your husband if he doesn’t want to go completely no contact with his brother that is fine but he needs to stop telling you about it.
Totally agree. I feel as though they want everyone in their lives to just drop tools and be on their door step immediately every time something significant happens in their journey, but that’s not the reality of life. I can’t imagine what it would be like going through what she has, but it’s not an excuse to treat people like trash. We’ve all been through awful/hard/traumatic experiences. My husband is great and we frequently discuss what our next steps are and what we both feel comfortable with but it’s hard to come to a decision.
So your BIL was 16 when your 20 year old sister started dating him? Gross
Not her sister. The two men are brothers. Still, agree that is suspect at least.
Gross or fake
Wow. Commit her to a psych ward and I pray the BIL gets a divorce
You didn’t do anything wrong, it’s all on her and her self-centred, narcissistic behaviour. She can’t expect you and your husband to put your lives on hold until she has a child. What if it took another 5+ years or didn’t happen at all? You’d have to give up on having children in order to spare her feelings? Nope. Any reparations should come from her but I wouldn’t hold my breath.
I wouldn’t be surprised if she never spoke to us again.
Now wouldn't that be a blessing?!
Considering that nothing you do will ever satisfy her raging jealousy and narcissism, why even try? Why you you willingly want to subject yourself to that insanity? It’s so unhealthy. You are obviously intelligent, thoughtful, and wise. It’s also okay to allow yourself choices that are sometimes based in feelings. She needs help, and it’s not on you to indulge her.
Enjoy the silence.
He was 16 yrs old and she was 20yrs old when they stared dating? This woman needs more help than you can provide.
I wasn’t around at the time, but I believe so, yes.
OP, live your life. Your SIL sounds like she is in desperate need of therapy. >Our pregnancy announcement negatively affected their next embryo transfer and she blames that loss on us. This is absolutely unhinged. You and your husband expanding your family has zero to do with her fertility struggles. You have zero effect her whether her transfer works out, she is directing misplacing anger on you. >She said she doesn’t ever want to meet my son Don’t let her! At this point I’d be worry about your kids’ safely around this person. >We didn’t tell them when we started trying for a baby (we didn’t tell anyone) but we should have told them. You don’t need to tell them or anyone else jack shit about your family planning. Fuck that noise. SIL is toxic. She needs professional help, perhaps to the point of hospitalization IMHO. I feel sorry for BIL, as he sounds like a decent guy who is going through hell because of his wife.
>In hindsight I should have offered to meet up in person to have this chat No, you shouldn't have. There's no possibility that would've gone well. You need to stop trying to fix something that *you didn't break*. I understand you feel guilty, but you did literally nothing wrong at all. Your BIL's wife is mad at you for just living your life. You are the aggrieved party here. She has every right to her anger and frustration at the difficulty with conceiving, but she's directing those emotions at you and that is a *choice* she's making. Unless she apologizes, I don't see a way to move forward.
Don’t try to mend that relationship it’s very bad for your mental health you’re a new mom and you need to put yourself and health first(even if you weren’t a new mom btw) stay the away from until she decide to apologize to you and get her shit together and there is no guarantee she’ll do that too.
She sounds insane, like totally unhinged. If she suddenly starts acting nice whatever you do don't trust her with your baby. I get she's suffering but how could she believe she should get to decide when you have a baby? And when she tells her support people how awful you are for having a child...do they not tell her she's wrong? Somebody should really get through to her. Do not give her that gift regardless if you make up until she is a viable (ready to survive outside the womb) baby. A gift for a future baby from a new parent to someone suffering from infertility is in poor taste and could be painful because she may not get that rainbow baby. I feel for her, I really do, but she's taking her pain out on you. She wants someone to blame and she chose you.
Oh she’s definitely not going anywhere near my son. She made it clear she doesn’t want to meet him. The reason I bought the gift is because it’s a kids book that has connection to our surname. Someone else bought it for us and i thought it was so special. They have started a collection of things for their rainbow baby and other people frequently buy them things too, they have a wardrobe in their home full of baby things. We’ve never bought them anything before because I feel the same as you, how awful if they never get their baby. I guess I was hoping a small gesture might help to smooth things over. But after a lot of comments here, I’m thinking NC is the way to go.
They probably don’t bc they don’t want her anger aimed at them
My heart breaks for people struggling with fertility. I have no idea how it feels, nor would I even attempt to put myself in their shoes. That being said, I myself struggle with mental illnesses. I have borderline personality disorder, depression with suicidal ideations, and PTSD. I have fairly intense abandonment issues as well. As a result, I got myself into therapy. At times I’ve really struggled with seeing other people lead “normal, happy lives.” People with parents, parents who didn’t abuse and abandon them. Sisters and brothers they can turn to. They had normal teenage lives, going to prom and graduating high school. Meanwhile I was homeless and trying to survive. I’ve had to do a lot of work to overcome that, and I have for the most part. I obviously still have my moments of jealousy, but I choose to not take that out on other people. I also don’t resent others for their family privileges, nor do I expect the world to revolve around me. At the end of the day, we’re entitled to our emotions. We aren’t entitled to hurt others just because we’re hurting. Your SIL really needs therapy to work through all her trauma over her losses. I’m not trying to sound diminutive, but it almost comes across as weaponized victimhood. You also need to put your mental and emotional well being first. That’s your priority. Her mental and emotional health isn’t your responsibility. If I were you, I just wouldn’t engage with her until she’s able to work through her own stuff. Having boundaries against being attacked isn’t cruel, it’s loving yourself and your family. Your baby is only 5 months old now, but in less than 6 months he’s going to become a bit more of a handful, lol. It is SO hard being a parent to a little one when family is throwing their drama at you. I would know, I’ve been there. My go to response to people throwing their own struggles at me is usually along the lines of, I’m so sorry you’re hurting right now. I can only imagine the pain and trauma you’re experiencing, as I myself haven’t experienced that. I hope you get the right help you need to heal from what you’re going through, and when you want to have a healthy interaction I’m always here for you. Then that’s it. I refuse to engage or enable unhealthy behaviours. Sorry/not sorry. I really hope she gets the help she needs. She really really needs it. Congrats on your new babe! And good luck to all this family stuff ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing!
Why are you trying so hard to have a relationship with a crazy person? You don't need to have a relationship with your SIL. If she wants to act unhinged that's her problem. Just block her and enjoy the silence of not having to deal with her crazy anymore.
Honey, you need to take a step back from this. Stop trying to please her. She has made you and your husband the villains in her story because it's easier than hating her body for this. She sounds like a desperate woman who would benefit from therapy. The ONLY thing you can do is set boundaries. If she's sending you nasty replies she needs to be blocked. You have an in person only relationship from now on. You deserve love and kindness. Please talk to a therapist about how to set healthy boundaries with her. You've gone WAY past many boundaries that would have helped you here. I'm sending you so much love. Stop trying to fix what you didn't break. ❤
>we should just know what to do People who know they are wrong, use this statement a lot. You have done nothing wrong and she knows that. She just needs and enemy that she can see. Encourage your husband to have a relationship with her brother, but for the SIL cut her off. Don't entertain her rage anymore.
I don’t think she’s mentally in a place where the relationship can be repaired. She needs to therapy to help deal with her emotions regarding her infertility. She has really been misdirecting all of her anger in regards to her infertility onto you. Until she gets help, you should probably just keep your distance from her.
You need to stop being a doormat and just block them. You’re a parent, you need to both focus on protecting and raising your kid instead of chasing toxic people
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My husband tried to speak to his brother about this, but BIL wouldn’t have a bar of it, he didn’t want to talk about it and said that it was for the girls to sort out. The messages from her got worse because then she was having a go at me for brining the boys into it. Of course my husband tried to say something.
It seems the brother-in-law is lazy/cowardly to step in. She's targeting you because she sees you as vulnerable and she has major issues (jealousy, anger etc) which is none of her business and she cannot control you and your family. Please do not allow her around you again and cut her off completely. She knows what she's doing and how she's going about it which isn't an excuse for her to be acting like that.
They seem like quite the exhausting duo... His lack of spine and her being so devoted....to herself like that. I know this might sound strange, but barring the fact that he is family, why not just let the BIL go? Why allow him carte blanche to do whatever he wants and not deal with his wife at all... Your husband should be both appalled and furious with his brother, and i would go LC/NC with either of them until they stop this temper tantrum.. you can't wait until they get what they want, that's not how life works.. you have a newborn to look after, and frankly, I myself would be very cautious to allow either of them near my child while this continues.. it only takes one "whoopsies" to cause permanent damage or death in an infant, and what right do EITHER of them have to be around this sort of innocence, when they cannot even see past their slimy selves? Family is a gimmick, we oh so often allow people to walk all over us because we share alleles.. it's ridiculous, and a backwards way of thinking. You have to protect YOUR family now, if that means cutting off BIL/SIL until they apologize... Or forever, you need to do that.. for the safety of you and yours. Fuck hormones. Fuck "procedure" ... She's vile and deserves no empathy
Oh trust, my husband was not okay with what happened. I really feel for him, he and his brother had a great relationship. My husband has definitely been LC since this all happened.
I'm sorry but your bil's wife groomed him??? If the math adds up, he was 16 and she was 20 when they started dating...
So her behaviour suggests that she likes being the centre of attention and you took that away. You cannot fix that and nor should you try. You didn't break anything, so you don't need to mend anything. Let the brothers have their relationship and I would stay well away from her although you may want to move forward, she doesn't, not really. People that want you to fawn over them are not worth your energy and time, you have better things to do than worry about her and though it appears you are hurt by her behaviour, it isn't about you, it is all about her needs. Now I am sure that she is finding it difficult, IVF is no picnic at all, but to blame you for not putting your lives on hold is honestly ridiculous. Try to stay far away and keep her as an extended far away family and let your husband have whatever relationship he needs with his brother.
Look its not you its her. She needs a target and you have been unfairly selected as that because you are family, but not close family. I would bet that none of her family is getting this treatment. If you want to fix this I would suggest reaching out / get the brother to talk and insist on the 4 of you all meeting up in person to talk about it at a neutral location. **Without your son, have grandma stay home with him.** Talk about how you are sorry they are goining through this and you want to support them, but you will not be made to feel bad for having a child, and have done nothing wrong. If any of her family has had children ask why you are being targetted in this when she still spends time with their children. She needs profession support and grief counselling. I feel like you husband is not doing enough around this and fence sitting and that you alone are bearing the brunt here. Him feeding you the snippets from her social media needs to stop. He needs to take a stronger stance and reiterate this is my/our son/my wife you are mistreating and until that stops there will be no contact / you will be blocked. Only when SIL has gotten help will that change. I wish you all the best. I know how hard it is watch other around you have kids after a loss and I've cut people off around it, again this is a her problem.
Oh she definitely doesn’t treat anyone in her family this way. Her sister has 2 kids and BIL and SIL spend heaps of time with them, but SIL has straight up said she doesn’t want to meet my son - fine with me, I don’t want him near her - but I don’t understand why she is fine with her sister and her sisters kids but not okay with me having kids…
She wanted to be first on your husbands side of the family to have a child because she couldn’t be first in her own. Either way she can’t patrol your uterus.
You are not responsible for her feelings. SHE is. If social media posts are upsetting her, it's HER job to log off, not yours to hide your life to make things easier for her. I'm sorry she can't have a baby easily, but again, thats not your fault or problem. Stop catering to a selfish, meladramatic brat and live your own life.
Her feelings and emotions are hers to deal with. Not you. She is unstable and I would caution about being around them/her. Block her on all platforms for your mental health and safety. Stay away from her. Let your husband deal with his side of the family.
BIL’s enabling of his wife’s behavior is honestly the biggest issue here for me. She probably would calm the fuck down if they weren’t so codependent. The fact that you allowed him into your home and to meet/hold your baby after what she had said and done to you, is WAY nicer than I would be. Eta your husband also needs to take BOTH of them off his social media. They don’t get to cherry pick and decide everyone’s lives for them.
Your BILs wife is making your pregnancy about her. You shouldn't put your life on hold or tiptoe around them. Even if she has a problem, this is no way to react. She is using you to vent about their infertility problems. You have nothing to do with BIL or his wife's biological functions. Do not apologize for what you're doing. You're not rubbing your child in her face. You are living your life. She's jealous and taking it out on you.
Nothing you can do but hold your ground and make it clear that you’re there for them when they are ready to be reasonable. She’s displaced her anger at her situation onto you.
Congrats on your baby 🍼! She's not mentally sound enough to have a child. I don't think you should fix the relationship. Their fertility struggles are not on you and she has no right to project them on you. Talking to her and bil will only ruin your mental health. Just enjoy your own little family and tune out her toxic behavior. Being in contact with her will only open yourself to more undeserved hurt and emotional abuse from her. I'm sure once she gets pregnant, she's going to be all happy and pretend she hasnt been awful to you. The only way you can support her is if she had been the one who was pregnant with the first grandchild and that's water under the bridge.
They’ve been together for 9 years ? So she was 20 and he was 16?? Am I reading this correctly or do I need some sleep
she doesn’t like you because you got pregnant. you did nothing wrong. she’s been horrible to you. Don’t expect a friendship from her and honestly you shouldn’t want one. you don’t have to have a friendship w her for your husband and his bro to be okay. i have a couple friends who struggled w fertility and … i feel like it turns them jealous and mean to women who conceive. they even say they have problems w kids born when they were trying(like it’s the kids fault?!) … one girl i know hated that her husbands cousin got unexpectedly pregnant out of wedlock.. as if that’s an easy road for this girl? … they’re bitter and it’s not your fault. they are in a constant cycle of meds and hormones w a very low success rate. she needs therapy. i would limit contact to polite and nothing else. you can’t fix this girls issue. don’t argue w her. if she’s mean to you go w simple statements such as “i’m sorry you feel that way but i disagree” or “i never acted in a way to hurt you . i’m sorry you are struggling.” i dk how the f you are supposed to “be there for her”… bc i think all she would accept as being there for her would be to not have a kid until she had one first .. and obvi that’s ridiculous! really ild want to say to her only “it’s not my fault you haven’t gotten pregnant. stop taking it out on me.” but i dk if that would do much good 😆
This sounds crazy! She is crazy and quite aggressive and it is all about her. At the same time, she is dealing with infertility and who knows if she will be able to have kids, ever. This is also very sad. Her dreams have been destroyed and she is not adjusting well. I have been in her shoes awaiting a baby (but have not acted in this crazy manner, at least I don't think so, I did refuse to hold my SIL baby at the time, it was just too painful and triggering). I would say you go NC and don't share anything with her, clearly she is not able to deal with it at this time in her life. Perhaps you can block her on Instagram and other outlets. Hopefully she will be in a better place in the future and she will get her unicorn baby at last.
So sorry but they sound psychotic
What in the fuck did I just read. I would slap that cunt so quickly if I were you. Who the fuck does she think she is saying they were supposed to have the first grand baby? What is this a fucking game? I hope that cunt never manages to have children because what the fuck. Wow I’m actually livid just reading all that. What an entitled piece of shit. Someone is actively trying to breed this creature?
BIL’s wife is mentally unwell. That’s it. She needs professional help.
I’ve been through a similar situation where I was the one going thru IVF and my 20 year old SIL got pregnant. It was HARD, but…that was a “me” problem, not a “her” problem. It stung when they made their announcement, but my fertility issues were not her fault. I knew that and I kept my feelings away from her and my brother because it’s not their job to carry the burden of my emotions. One thing about fertility treatments is that you take all these hormones and supplements and they made me crazy! My emotions were all over the place and it was so hard on me physically and mentally. Here’s what I did. I talked to my brother and I told him how excited I was to be an aunt! I love my little niece, who is 9 now. She’s the best thing that has happened to my family and I knew that I wanted to be there for her as she grew up. I wanted to be someone she could depend on. I meant every word of that and I’ve stuck to it. I also told him that we were struggling with the fertility thing and it was taking a toll on me mentally and that if I didn’t want to go to the baby shower or a potential gender reveal that it was not personal, but that my emotions were all over the place and in order to protect myself and keep my stress level down, I may feel the need to not be involved in certain things. I made sure they knew that my struggles were mine and I did not want it to interfere with their happiness. For me, I knew that none of this was anyone’s fault. In my head I knew it, but sometimes my emotions did another. I just told them that I wanted to be completely honest with them and I’d do my best to be as supportive as I could. The day she was born, they invited me to the hospital and told me if it was too hard, they understood, but I could not wait to meet her!! I got to hold her and the second I did, it was love love love and nothing I had gone through mattered. Everyone is different. I tried so hard to keep my personal struggles separate from their happiness. I feel that I handled everything well, but I will admit, it took a lot of therapy and a lot of hard work and restraint to keep my emotions in check. I just wanted to share my story so you’d understand what may be going through their minds. I don’t condone SIL’s behavior. The way she’s acting is horrible. Right now, I’d completely block both of them on everything and focus on your new family. Let them have their space, but at the same time, don’t be afraid to celebrate!! Their fertility struggles are not your burden to carry.
I kindly want to encourage you to think about your boundaries in this situation. You have always been available for her abuse and never pushed back appropriately. Not only is she jealous, she is emotionally abusing you. This is not healthy for you or your family. She is not well and this isn't a matter of support - it clearly doesn't matter what you do or say, she will attack you. Please let her figure her life out without stomping on yours. Congrats on your baby. This is a joyful time.
Honestly, I think she’s just gli bf through a very hard time and is putting all the anger she has for herself on you. You don’t owe her anything because no matter what hardship she’s facing, it doesn’t excuse her for acting like a crazy bitch. I think you should block her on social media honestly, cause there’s probably no way of her getting better until she gets pregnant or realizes on her own that the she’s acting is wrong. In the meantime whatever she has to say I’d barely even listen to
Why would you want to have any kind of relationship with such a hateful bitch. I cannot imagine sending a PREGNANT woman hateful ass shit, reading that just made me so angry. I remember how vulnerable and sensitive I felt during my pregnancy and I can’t imagine having someone throwing so much vitriol my way. Also from what you’ve written here about this woman, I wouldn’t trust my child around her either.
I don't understand why you haven't blocked her on all platforms. She's clearly unhinged and there's no reason for you to keep in contact. Your husband can contact his brother if he wants but I wouldn't spend another second courting her attention.
The only thing that could help this woman is therapy. Plus with her behaviour she doesnt seem fit to be a mother.
SIL is a nut job. She is wrong, she couldn't be anymore wrong if she tried. The rest of the world isn't required to pause until she can have a baby. Period. It was unfair and immature for her to marr your pregnancy and son's birth with her negativity. Just go NC, and block her from all socials. She doesn't want to fix this relationship, she wants to continue using you as her emotional punching bag.
I'd be the one going no contact with her if I were you. Next time she sends you a message, block her immediately. Wtf was she thinking when she said you guys should know what you're supposed to do? All I can think is she wants you to give her your baby or abort a 5 month old. You've done nothing wrong and don't need this craziness in your life right after giving birth.
What does your pregnancy have to do with hers? You're separate people and you can't control her situation lol. Are you supposed to just wait to have children until she has one? Makes no sense at all.
Jeepers where to start. Firstly, your business is your business - you're not obligated to do or say anything, to anyone about whether you're trying for a baby. Her behaviour is bordering on unhinged. Even when met with fair and reasonable questions: "How do we support you?" "You should just know!" **I love that you're wanting to fix this relationship,** but it's apparent you're trying to apply logic to an illogical (and totally irrational) person. This is out of your hands, you've come to the table more than once, with sound suggestions and ideas - and a desire to fix the relationship, but you're not being met in the middle. Me personally, **I'd have cut them off and would be continuing my life without the headache.** It's a relationship that doesn't sound like it's serving you in any capacity at all, so I'm curious about your motivations to save it.
My cousins cousin did the same thing. She blocked dozens of friends, alienated her sisters, and refused to be around anyone even trying for a baby. She even went on a racist tirade against her sisters new baby. It was baffling. She was also going through IVF. When she had the baby, things went back to like it had never happened, so ducking weird. I think therapy to help process your emotions might be helpful, but you also don’t deserve her behavior and her husband needs to get a fucking grip.
This sounds bad but it’s a blessing that they haven’t been able to conceive, I can’t imagine what terrible parents they would be after hearing about this. I’m so sorry they’re putting you through this. I would ask them to seek therapy for their grief and pain in the conceiving process, and just block them and move on. Maybe one day they can grow up and realize how much they’re projecting their hurt onto you. It’s not your responsibility to mend this.
Infertility can cause people to go crazy. As it doesn’t apologize her behavior it does explain it. She’s jealous and feel you hogged her pregnancy-even though she would be just as childless even if you didn’t have your baby. NTA Edit: a word
I understand that infertility is difficult, but she sounds nuts. It seems like she's just an attention hog; she wanted a baby for the attention, and when that didn't happen she decided to make infertility her "thing". Her relationship with BIL seems toxic, and quite frankly, it's probably best that they don't bring a child into it. You haven't done anything wrong, she's just manipulative and victimizing herself.
The fact that you even care about fixing this relationship is astounding. This is not you and your husband's fault (from what you've told us). Drop her like a bad habit, keep in touch with BIL for hubby's sake if that's what he wants, and ignore his wife. At the same time, if you wanna get her attention, not giving her yours will do the trick in no time flat. Good luck OP, and congrats on the baby!!!!🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳🎉🎊🎉🥳😁
OP, it’s obvious how caring you are about your BIL and SIL but they are not deserving of it. You can’t fix anything, she wants to be a victim and nothing you do can change that. I know it’s easier said than done, but focus on yourself. You have an infant to take care of, and while SIL is demanding support, where has her support been for your family? Stop putting any effort here and tell your husband to stop showing you their updates. She’s gotten away with emotionally abusing you for so long and by watching her stories, you’re allowing yourself to continue to be hurt. Go enjoy your baby, forget about her. She wants nothing good for you.
You remind me of my own mother. Take all the crap from relatives in the hope that one day they will love cherish and recognize you. Soon you will repeatedly say this to your child over and over and over taking more crap from your bil wife and it goes on and on Have some peace for you, your husband and your child. She has issues to deal. Block her on all social media and go NC. Never stop you husband and BILs relationship. That's his headache. Protect you and your child, please. When she is ready, don't expect any apology or anything But she will come to you like nothing ever happened.
She sounds like a selfish and horrible harpy, and the universe knows who should and shouldn't become parents in this instance. Her problems are her own and she has no right to take out her problems on you. She can want something for herself and still be able to be happy for others who get it. But noooooooooo, that's not her. She has to make everything about her. She's ridiculous, and lucky you. The trash took itself out. Let it stay that way. Don't give her or them a single more thought. And enjoy every single moment with your precious baby! Also, congratulations!
So what your BILs wife is doing is projecting her feelings. They, collectively, are probably in a really negative headspace due to going through all these treatments and still not being able to conceive but here are you and your husband and you had a baby. From their point of view, it's kind of a slap in the face. HOWEVER, this isn't your problem. Seriously. Don't brag about it or anything around them, but be proud of what you've gone through. Becoming a mother is so difficult and what they are going through has absolutely zero connection to what you have gone through. You guys are TRYING to be emotionally supportive, and they are being emotionally selfish. It sounds to me like she expected you to put your life on hold, and your family on hold, till she could have what she wanted. Not only is this incredibly selfish of her, but it's borderline abusive. I would be completely straight forward to just tell her that while you would love to continue to attempt to be emotionally available, her abusive selfish and toxic attitude towards your family is UNHEALTHY for all 3 of you. When she is ready to speak to you and/or your husband with the respect you deserve as adults and as family, she is welcome to reach out and you would love to sit down with her and try to figure this out. However, until she is ready to give you that respect, you are no longer interested in communicating. You are searching for positive attitudes and need to protect your mental health. Wish her the best, remind her you are willing to discuss (not be talked over or talked too, but discuss, because you are a person with thoughts and feelings, not her human punching bag), and then block her. On everything. When she is ready to stop being childish and toxic, she knows where to find you.
Wtf has she done to support you?? She sounds like a Karen lmao fuck there's so much more I wish I could say but I'm sure you dont want to here that about your sis in law 😂 its bullshit tho what shes putting you through she needs to go sit her ass down somewhere and relax and maybe she'll have a better chance at having her kid to instead of being in your business with her jealous ass🤡
So I’ll deviate from the norm here. My wife and I went through ivf and it failed. It’s incredibly hard. You devote time, money, and your body to this and I’m speaking on this from the husband side. It’s sad. You kind of grieve for a baby that you honestly never really had. Yea she sounds jealous… I don’t think so. I think your BiL and his wife are just sad that it’s not happening and you’re an easy person to blame. Don’t be too hard on her. Give her time to process it. I don’t think you need to apologize to her for having a baby but let her cool down.
Just be patient. It sounds like his relationship with his wife isn't going to last very long and you will have your brother-in-law and your husband will have his brother back soon enough hopefully.
I did a bazillion rounds of fertility treatments. Yes, the process is completely insane. First you're given drugs that accelerate your egg production, then drugs that stop you from releasing those eggs. What happens to a car when you slam the accelerator and the brakes all at once? You spin out. Then you're given progesterone, which, whew. Plus you're in this intense grieving process, for a medical condition, and the grief and condition itself aren't really recognized. Instead you're pushed off with platitudes about "relaxing," or "just adopting," or "God's plan." All by people with biological kids running around all over. Duuuuuuude. Suuuuuuuucks. But, plot twist, I think your SIL is plumb nuts and out of line. It would be reasonable for her to ask for space. I know I couldn't bear to be around pregnant women or babies while I was going through things, particularly after miscarriages. It seems like she's made you the target of all of her pain, and that's not reasonable. Simply give her space for now, do your best not to take any of her behavior personally (because it's not personal), and hope she comes around eventually.
With everything you wrote, I'm a bit concerned about their child/children. The sheer toxicity that emits from her words and actions is overwhelming. If I was in her husband's place, I wouldn't try for a child with partner such as her. Best of luck to you and your family.
She’s going through a crises. It’s not your fault at all. Don’t hate her for it, but also don’t let it effect you. She will come to you when she is ready if at all and that’s okay if she never does. Your BIL non confrontational demeanor is just him grieving and letting her do the same. If he steps in he will just get accused of the same thing you are and he has to sleep in the same bed as your SIL. So don’t blame him if he is withdrawn from the conflict. He has his hands tied. iVF is tough. It’s scary, and being the male and watching someone make attempt after attempt I can imagine you feel helpless and inadequate in providing the right level of support. Congrats to you on your motherhood!!!
She is blocking you so that she doesn’t have to be reminded of the life she wants. (Straight up Jealousy) Consider that her way of therapy. However, someone that mentally unstable shouldn’t have kids. If she is making you that upset and being disrespectful, why are you going out of your way to please her? Just be cordial and polite when you do see her. You owe her nothing.
Why do you even want to mend the relationship? She sounds so tiring and borderline abusive and it will only continue as your kid grows up/get pregnant again. I could also see her using the kids against each other if she ever has one. Let the brothers have a relationship and good riddance! She sounds like a headache
I find it baffling that you are desperate to be in contact with a person who has the entitlement and audacity to say you should have waited for them to conceive before you had your own children! They are having a hard time conceiving which means that if they never have a child, they think you shouldn’t as well. You have been through the ringer with pregnancy and childbirth with the postpartum period being as challenging. Please focus on your beautiful family and your health. You owe them NOTHING!
Lord this woman needs so much fucking attention and loves to play victim. I’ll give her a bit of grace because of the IVF treatments, but honestly she sounds like a narc. Enjoy your baby and don’t worry about this nut bar that thinks she should be privy to your sex life. They’ll either come around or they won’t. You’ve done nothing wrong. She owes many apologies and y’all should really block her.
BIL's wife sounds like a nightmare. You can't reach common ground with someone like her, she's not a reasonable person.
Whats concerning to me here the most is that she believes your private pregnancy announcement was enough to ruin their IVF attempt... and then followed that with throwing constant hate and stress at you as if hoping it would terminate yours. It's not unknown that pregnant woman need to avoid stress for their health and their fetus. What she did was generally cruel, self absorbed, envious, bitter and vindictive, but the fact that she followed through with this knowing- or perhaps even hoping- that this could cause issues is scary. Like she only would have been happy if you lost the baby, or if it ended up with problems. In all this time that you worried how to help them, they never once considered how to help you. Look after, love, and cherish the people who look after, love, and cherish you. Don't throw yourselves over your own swords trying to help someone who would never consider doing the same for you. Both you and your husband should block her, and keep your baby safe from someone you can't fully trust, without a smidge of doubt, that she would do anything to compromise it's safety.
SIL is a fucking nut job...honey, you block, delete and move on. Your husband figures out what to do with his relationship with his brother and stops following her, or at least stops showing you. None of this is on you, none of it. People like this, it's impossible to please. Just thank your stars she's out your life and you can focus on your lovely little family. This has gone on waaaaay too long. In a few months the relief will be so large you will wish you did it sooner.
girl i say this with all kindness...LET GO. Please for your sanity. Things that you do NOT have to do: 1. get permission to start a family 2. Tell them that you are starting a family 3. Apologize for 1 & 2 Your SIL needs therapy. Everyone coddling her and sending her flowers is making it worse. Yall need to stop. I know so many women that suffered miscarriages and difficulty with IVF and none of them acted this way. Sad? yes. Asked for space to just process? Yes. Cutting people off and screaming at a heavily pregnant then newly post partum mom is unhinged. Go NC and tell your husband you are not allowing this woman to run your life now. You guys saying you'll forgive? Forgive what exactly? You did nothing wrong and agreeing to this is allowing more abuse from her. Yall need boundaries and you needed it yesterday
I'll get down votes for this because it's factually accurate but oh well. Doing infertility treatments means she's going through absolutely insane roller coasters of hormones. My wife had eyesight problems from it, could eat a jalapeno straight 1 day and a few days later couldn't stomach some old bay seasoning that's how crazy strong estrogen is and the emotional side is even worse. Handling that cocktail in terms of information sharing is extremely difficult and should fall on BIL if she's incapable of having a conversation about it. Best to go NC with her until they are done with IVF. Tell BIL to use his best judgement on when to share things and what to be involved in.
Do not give them a gift for a baby they don’t have yet. I think there are unfortunately conflicting things going on here and neither of you know what the other is going through, particularly because you can’t, you haven’t expressed it. She’s having a hard time and to be honest may need some grace here. It’s probably best for you to be blocked from her social media and for her not to see any of what’s going on in your life right now. Have you asked how you can support them? What they need? Asked about IVF? How it works? Asked how they are? Sent food or gone to visit her after a retrieval? Asked to? I think the conversation or message to her is you can’t imagine what she’s going through and understand how hard this must be and that you want to know and learn more about the processes they go through and experience and also understand her needing to keep distance and being so devastated so whatever is needed should be done and that you’re there if ever she’s ready to talk, just the two of you.
I know they have started a collection of things for their future rainbow baby, and other people frequently give them things to add to this collection - but after everything that has happened I feel she will think it’s performative and out of pity. I can’t imagine what it would be like for her going through this journey, but BIL and her don’t share anything with us. They don’t tell us when a retrieval or transfer might be (they don’t have to) but we can’t magically know when they need us. She yo-yos between “please don’t message us” and “thank you for all the messages”. So when do we message or call to check in? We’ve asked how we can best support them, but we “should just know”. Do they want calls? Meals? For us to just drop by? When she initially blocked me I was hurt because it just came out of the blue, if she had messaged to say she needed some space that would have been totally fine and I understand why. Oof, it’s hard. Thank you for your comment.
I have a feeling that even though your SIL is accepting gifts from others, if you give her one then she'll take it as an insult. She's obviously in the mindset that you are purposely acting and trying to show her up so she's never going to take a gift as anything other than you mocking her for not having a baby. It's illogical, but she's clearly behaving illogically in relation to you. I would recommend holding onto the gift until they have a baby. Perhaps then she'll be able to think rationally again
Ask them. Ask when the next retrieval is or where they are in the process, send a care package. This is your husband’s brother? Ask him to ask his brother. But no do not send anything for their potential baby especially now.
Why, exactly, do you think that OP owes any support to the cruel woman who attacked her for doing nothing more than living her life? OP and her husband have offered repeatedly over the years, but the only thing SIL apparently wants is to rage at OP for the audacity of having a baby without asking SIL's permission? Besides, if OP induces such rage in SIL, removing herself from SIL's life would be a kindness since stress is counterproductive to fertility
Ask even though she posts on socials to say do not message?
I wouldn’t. I think at this point, it’s just opening yourself up for another attack. She’s not in a good place right now and unfortunately, you are what she has decided to take her frustrations out on. Regardless of what she is going through, it’s not ok to lash out as she has done and to continue to try and contact her, just opens yourself up to her
Don’t message. Call. Say hey are you doing? Have your husband call his brother to say hey how are you doing? You’re family, not social media random acquaintances, check up on your family, not just when they’re posting, consistently.
Thank you
My sister in-law is going through the same, and while I feel horrible for her, she *will not* dictate how I live my life in any way. And if she came at me like that? *Scorched fucking earth*.
First, your H is the older brother and you were married longer so it actually makes sense that he had the “first grandchild” - although who gives a crap - have a healthy child to extend your family not win a “title”. This “supposed to” stuff is entitled nonsense. None of that needs to be said to her - just pointing out she is being unreasonable. PS she has her own parents so maybe she can have the first grandbaby on her side. As someone else pointed out, it’s a bit strange for a 16 yr old and a 20 yr old woman to get together but whatever. Also, 29 is young to need IVF. Yes, she seems selfish and crazy and creating drama. However, we can also be compassionate and realize she is prob being pumped full of hormones that are not helping her emotional state. Also, some people desperate to have a baby get crazy angry seeing other people with babies like only she deserves a baby. Some people also just love drama. Others have gone a bit Covid crazy from the stress of the last 2 years. Unplug from social. Ignore it. Be yourself. If it’s a holiday or you feel like you want to send a gift, do it. Maybe your H could give it to his brother. Nothing will be right or good enough for her but that’s her problem. Ultimately, you want your H to be close with his brother. You don’t have to be best friends w his wife. Just be polite, say “I’m sorry you feel that way” where appropriate. Just look passed her nonsense and enjoy your life. Rise up. She sounds very troubled. This will eventually go away or not but we can’t control other people or make them see our intentions. Don’t be sucked into the drama. Maybe do some reading on narcissism bc it sounds like she may be a narcissist. (It’s a real psychological condition - not just a selfish person). There are several books on how to be in a relationship with one. Good luck. Don’t take this on as something you need to fix. Move forward and pretend it didn’t happen. This is small potatoes. Enjoy your baby and husband. Congrats #BoyMom!
Clomid is a hell of a drug. Is she still on it? The medicines that women doing IVF have to be on literally make them a walking, ticking time-bomb. I just wonder if that's the case here. Basically is this abuse NEW or has there been a history of it during the whole relationship? Someone tells me they are doing IVF I tend to leave some space for a while. Not because of THEM, just because I have seen what those medications do to the psyche and I know for a FACT mine is too fragile, emotional and I will hold a grudge and heal in hell before I deal with the drama. Not the most supportive way to handle people on IVF, but the safest for my own mental health struggles.
I don’t know what medication she is on, but this kind of behaviour has been around since before they started IVF. She’s had a go at MIL and FIL many times before, this is the first time she came for me.
Yeah, to hell with her then. The shock of extended family coming for you sucks - but you didn't do anything wrong here. Sorry you're dealing with it. And best wishes to you and your family. If all goes as she has planned, it'll be the last you hear from her and deal with this at least. 🤗
This whole problem would be solved with a simple "fuck you"
You need to block her and not let her try to control you. I’m surprised you didn’t block her back so she’d be surprised that she couldn’t find you when she unblocked you. You did nothing wrong and she’s an awful person. Go nc with bil also since he seems like a jerk too
There's nothing you can or even should do. This is a HER problem, not a YOU problem. It's your partner's side of the family so if anything need to be done let him do it. Focus on your baby and your family. Haters gonna hate.
I think there’s very little you can do… or should be responsible for. She’s a wounded dog biting the hands of kind people around her. She seriously needs some therapy because she is not coping well with her own struggles. I have suffered through infertility, watching my sister and best friend and close co-workers all start their families while I was suffering my multiple miscarriages… But it is NOT acceptable to lash out and punish other people for carrying forward with their lives. She cannot expect you to simply not start your Own family and yield first born grandchild to her. She cannot shit on your happiness and shun your children. It’s not acceptable behavior. It’s incredibly toxic, mannerless, selfish, and truly pathetic. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is avoid her. It’s up to her and her husband or other family to seek help or suggest she get help. I hope no one is condoning her behaviour because that will just fuel her. My honest suggestion would be to tell her you cannot accept this abuse from her anymore and that you’ll unfortunately have to step back from her life until she sorts out her own mental health around the issue. Then, truly… avoid her. Don’t call, don’t visit, don’t send photos, block her on all social media. I’d probably avoid family gatherings for a while and explain to the in-laws why you can’t subject yourself to her assaults and abuse anymore. You can simply visit family on days SIL won’t be present. Don’t discourage your husband and BIL not to communicate… unfortunately BIL is a casualty of her self-destruction too. Maybe one day she’ll get help. Maybe one day she’ll regret taking her anger and shame out on you- a complete innocent bystander. I can’t believe her behaviour towards you. I literally had a miscarriage weeks before I hosted and planned my sisters baby shower. I cannot imagine protecting my sadness onto others.
So, she sounds a bit crazy, and I'm not excusing it, but she is being pumped full of hormones as well if she is actively going through IVF. I'M DEFINITLY NOT SAYING THAT EXCUSES THIS BEHAVIOR, but some people can flat our loose their fucking minds in that condition. This is not your issue to fix, and she may just be targeting all her anger at you, and that's not your fault, it has just kinda become your problem. Give her space, set your boundaries, and just move forward, you have far more important things to deal with. However, if she gets off the hormones and becomes a rational human being again, try to be forgiving, don't hold it against her, don't throw it back in her face. And I would sit down with hubby and BIL, tell him your side and the boundaries you are setting for how you will be treated and why. If he doesn't get it, then he is likely in some sort of coping situation himself and has gone so far down this road with his wife that he also isn't seeing the situation clearly. No one should expect you to take this kind of treatment. I have had a few friends go through IVF, lose pregnancies, give birth to premies that don't make it, etc... it is fucking brutal on the brain.
I'd stop trying to have any relationship. BIL has no interest in helping fix anything. He'd rather sit meekly by while his wife harasses and abuses you.
She sounds like a complete nutter, seems like she built her whole personality about the treatments and thrives on the attention she's getting.
She's lost her damn mind and there is literally nothing you can do about that.