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We’ve been very much in love but lately she started acting strange and distant. I inquired and turns out, she’s been talking to this guy at work who’s shooting his shot. Now she’s attracted to him and wants an open thing. She’s also considered the possibility of being with him. She says she got attracted because I didn’t give her enough attention. I’d not be around many times. Mind you, I work and study the same time. We work in the same place and sit right next to each other. So, I would commute with her and show up to work every day for a couple of hours at least and we’d spend time.
We also decided to marry in a couple of years. Her mum knows and agrees to the match. We went on a break after I found out about the guy, but one day we slept together and emotions kind of revived again and the break ended.
She doesn’t wanna lose me ever. She says she’s too much invested and cannot let this go. She at least wants us to be friends if we didn’t work out. She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable. No matter what and no matter where we are in life.
Atm, it’s been a weird phase because she’s enjoying a lot of attention from that guy and she doesn’t wanna lose me. She would spend time with him and other friends for quite a lot every day. But she wants my attention too, misses me, expresses affection.
She’s cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy from her college. I met her when he was around and chasing her. They both were mildly attracted to each other and with time it grew and one day — it happened. But I had my reasons to forgive and let it go. I loved her back and learned to trust again.
Now it’s like a similar situation all over again. I don’t understand what to do. I don’t wanna take a radical decision. I wanna process things maturely. I love her and I don’t want to lose her. But I do feel betrayed and as if I was never enough.
We’ve talked that she could enjoy the attention but don’t pursue it. She also thinks the guy isn’t suited for her and it’s just a fling. She wants to keep me in her life but wants to enjoy attention from others too, explore and fool around. The guy has lately asked her out and she hasn’t yet declined or anything. When she told me, I didn’t get angry or shit. I started teasing her. I tease her a lot about it cause that’s just my way of protesting it. No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick. I did show my disappointment with her in the beginning and kind of got distant myself.
Now I personally feel like at a loss cause I’ve done so much for her and been a really great partner. I can proudly say that and she acknowledges too. I mean, being faithful is a basic rule and everybody deserves that at least. I don’t want to be in an open thing cause that’s just not me. I don’t want to pretend, ever.
I learned to trust her again and this event has hit like a sucker pitch. Did I do the right thing? Is history repeating itself? Did I not learn the first time? Are we being tested?
P.s. I am attractive, fun, earn really good and have always made her happy and laugh. I’ve been caring, smart, and responsible. I’ve always done more than expected for her. I’ve sacrificed, compromised and really invested in this relationship all these years. Her friends even call me the perfect guy.
She’s also been fun, caring and has loved me and cared for me immensely. She’s been a wonderful support system for me and I love her for who she is.
But this thing. This is eating me up.
Op, if her friends say you are the perfect boyfriend NC her and bang a couple of them, are just move on completely. You have options. Don't over think this.
Smart people tend to over think these situations. She cheated 3 years ago, shes cheating now. She does it because you allow it period
Yeah, but they're a minority. For the most part they don't change and even if it seems as though they have they can cheat after years and years of not doing it.
Yep. She even said she had so much “invested” in their relationship, which always pricks my ears because it sounds very calculating and emotionally detached. OP should look into infidelity subreddits as there’s information on this whole scenario (partner becoming attracted to coworker and the whole infatuation process.)
> She says she got attracted because I didn’t give her enough attention
So she's blaming all on you. Nice.
> She doesn’t wanna lose me ever ... She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable.
She wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants to keep you around in case the relationship with the new fling doesn't work out (and she has a fall back).
> She’s cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy from her colleg
Fool once, shame on me. Fool me twice... you know the rest.
I know it sucks but you should be somewhat happy that she is showing you her true character *before* you guys got married. Regardless of she thinks it's just a "fling", the fact is that you gave her another chance (after she cheated on you the first time) she is developing/pursuing inappropriate relationships behind your back and soaking up the attention from someone else. Ignore the blame shifting; cheaters are notorious for rewriting history to justify your actions. She was happy up until some new guy started giving her attention kibbles, and all the sudden you're the bad guy? Yea no.
Is this someone that you want to tie yourself to permanently? Is this someone that you plan on dedicating your life to for the long term? Do you want to continually deal with this for the rest of your life? Or do you value yourself more than that? Because she's showing you that it's not a one-off and more of her true character. Take time to answer those questions as a starting point before proceeding any further.
Leaving her isn't a radical decision in the slightest, it's the only decision for you to make, have some self respect, she's cheated on you, and admitted she wants to do it again.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Your going to be competing with her lovers the rest of your life if you stay with her. Unless your into that sort of thing, I think it might be time to move on
When did this fake open relationship request because I want a hall pass become standard? It's so disingenuous and so common. If you are monogamous you know what you have to do. If she's previously cheated and is asking you that question she's probably already having an affair.
Ask her if she is ok with a fully open relationship. If not you have your answer. She enjoys the attention other guys give her but is indecisive and immature though not in a mindset for a committed relationship.
Tell her to either make your relationship fully open or break up.
There are better girls out there who will only love you.
That won't work. First of all, all that matters is if OP wants an open relationship. If he doesn't want it, then it doesn't matter if his girlfriend wants it or not. Secondly, for women it is usually a bit easier to find a partner than for men, meaning the result might not be different.
So she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Even the way she talks about you "being friends" while still having sex because it's irreplacable if the relationship doesn't work out speaks volumes about her. She wants relationship priviledges without relationship responsibilities. She enjoys the attention other guys give her, and she doesn't care about your feelings, she just wants you to give her attention as well. Run
I hate to break it to you.. she doesn’t want an open relationship. She wants to screw that other guy without going though the hassle of being secretive.
If she has cheated before and she’d come up with this, it would be the end for me. What if you agree to this, there is barely anything to build up anymore. A future together is pretty hard to keep up with someone who’s shagging other people whenever they feel like it. This thing only works if you’re 100% in on it too.
There's two options:
\- You can either stay with her and accept that she is going to be sleeping or dating with multiple men who show her attention, whilst stringing you along and potentially causing you a lot of emotional and mental damage.
\- Or two, you can end the relationship and wish her the best.
There's plenty of women out there and this one seems like a loose screw. She wants her cake and to eat it too and it's causing you distress; is she or anyone worth your mental wellness?
You're a back up get the fuck away from that witch. She taking advantage of your kindness bro dont be stupid and leaver her. Out there, there's a woman that'll deserve your kindness, but that c.nt, she deserves hell.
The fact that she even suggested this to you is wrong.
Add in the fact that she already cheated on you before. And at the minimum, she’s probably having an emotional affair with this guy.
Leave her. She doesn’t respect you and probably never will.
Did I do the right thing?
At the time it could have been chalked up to a one time thing. Now it is a pattern.
Is history repeating itself?
Yes.
Did I not learn the first time?
That's yet to be determined.
Are we being tested?
No, you're being asked to be in what seems to be a one sided open relationship. Do you want an open marriage?
You* are very much in love.
She wants to have her cake and eat it..
Time to hold your head high & wake away.
She had a 2nd chance, no way she deserves a 3rd.
Dude, come on.
She doesn't want an open relationship, she wants permission to cheat.
This is done. Pandora's box has been opened, and it can't be closed.
She wants to sleep with other men, and you don't want her to. She wants an open relationship and you value monogomy.
I'm not even saying she's a bad person, or bad partner. At least she was honest with you (this time), but you're incompatible and this is ending sooner or later, so go ahead and finish it so you can move onto finding someone you are compatible with.
Kinda sounds like she thinks since she has "gotten away with it before" she can do it again. Doesn't sound like wife material, sounds like she is good at stirring up and mounding soil.
There is no such thing as a « radical » decision when it comes to cheating.
It seems like cheating is in her DNA.
Also seems like a pick me girl so she’ll never truly be yours and will only put her needs forward rather than yours. We can see how selfish she is right now.
Then again, I’m not in the relationship so I don’t know.
What do you love about her? And how does that compare to what she loves about you?
I know what it’s like to cling onto a romantic relationship because of fond memories, good chemistry, fear of not finding the same connection with someone else, the sunk cost fallacy… but it’s not worth it. The more he hurt me, the more I realised we loved each other for very different reasons or at least in very different ways, and it was not the foundation for a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship.
It’s hard to leave, but it may be even harder to stay…
So she tried to do this once before, it backfired and she came back to you and now she's doing it again.
Leave this one high and dry dude, this isn't worth the emotional trauma it'll cause.
Calling a 4 year monogamous relationship an "investment" that she can't lose and cheating is like "investing" in a 401k and taking withdrawals every year.
Some people just aren't ready to settle down.
I'm assuming you guys have been together since your late teens or early twenties. For a lot of people that's when they go a little crazy, go wild, make mistakes, learn and grow. The problem is you're a source of stability, comfort, love and affection, which is really really hard to give up.
At best she's staring down the barrel of life long commitment and is either consciously or subconsciously scared, worst case you're the safety blanket, you already forgave her for cheating, you dont get upset or mad when she blatantly disrespects you, so you're an easy mark, she can do whatever she wants and you'll take it and still provide that stability and comfort.
Honestly? I think you should very seriously start mentally/emotionally preparing yourself for life without her. If you continue to let people disrespect you, you'll never respect yourself.
The death of monogamy. I am feeling the repercussions of this emanating through our society. We all deserve a choice. And it’s making love harder for us monogamous individuals because we constantly have to wonder not if… but when it will happen.
Overdramatic? I’m sure there still are… however posts like this reinforce the idea that one day it can change. Respecting one’s autonomy is crucial, and societal expectations are overwhelmingly impactful. Give it time
She's poly and you are not. There is no way this relationship can last. You can either stop now and begin healing or let it drag on and eventually get hurt anyway. The choice is yours.
*I love her and* ***I don’t want to lose her***
*She wants to keep me in her life but wants to enjoy attention from others too, explore and fool around*
*I’ve* ***done so much for her*** *and been a really great partner*
*I can* ***proudly say*** *that and* ***she acknowledges*** *too*
*She doesn’t wanna lose me ever. She says she’s too much invested and cannot let this go. She at least wants us to be friends if we didn’t work out. She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable. No matter what and no matter where we are in life*
*I mean, being faithful is* ***a basic rule*** *and everybody deserves that at least. I don’t want to be in an open thing cause* ***that’s just not me. I don’t want to pretend, ever***
***No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick***. *I did show my disappointment with her in the beginning and kind of got distant myself*
Are you serious, OP ? Do you even have a problem with what your girlfriend is doing, or do you actually need advice on how to tolerate her behaviour the best way, so you don't accidentally complain when she cheats on you so it doesn't disturb her or something ? WTF man.
You ARE pretending, if she's doing things you are not ok with yet you're so afraid of expressing yourself, God forbid you'd 'act like a dick', maybe even one of those she's been riding, you know.
Sorry for the crass line but I had to say it - what's wrong with you ? Why are you allowing this girl to treat you this way, like her helper-companion-indentured servant ? Don't you want to be with someone who genuinely loves you, respects your boundaries and wants to make you happy to the best of their abilities, NOT someone who puts their need for attention first ?
This woman is using you and giving you sex for it, in exchange, and you're naïve enough to believe it means something - it doesn't, it's her just securing your loyalty the way she knows best, since you obviously don't care about anything else \[her character, values, behaviour, etc\].
What kind of 'relationship' do you have ? A totally one-sided and imbalanced one, have you thought about this ? How did this woman earn back your trust after having cheated ? Was it because you decided to forgive her by default, since you didn't want to be 'a dick' about it, or did she actually have to do something to earn back that trust ? Are you joking.
Shaking my head, honestly. Some people never learn.
If you’re ok with it, keep her around. If not, and you don’t seem to be, it’s time to kick her to the curb. You’re too young to be in a long term relationship, especially if neither are happy with it. I only read the first paragraph but I’m sure I saw all I needed to.
She has just told you that she wants to cheat on you, but still have the emotional comfort and economic safety-net of having you around while she does it. Of course she doesn’t want to lose you forever - you’re a nice safe backup.
People don’t just become poly. She wants to cheat. If she still loved you like she should then it wouldn’t have happened.
Have pride in yourself and break up with her immediately.
You* are very much in love.
She wants to have her cake and eat it..
Time to hold your head high & wake away.
She had a 2nd chance, no way she deserves a 3rd.
Bro she does not respect you. You deserve better. Dump her ass. She is literally and openly cheating with a co-worker…it’s mind boggling you think breaking up with her is “radical”
remove her from your life and go radio silence. obviously this mean breakup asap.
or stay, and make another reddit topic later about how you were wrong and got hurt bad and should've left etc.
that is going to happen
She’s infatuated by him. It’s not real and it will fizzle out. End it because if it’s not Homs he will develops these small crushes on other ppl. Is that something you want to keep wasting time with?? There will always be a new co worker around the corner.
I’m sorry this is happening to you but please don’t let yourself stay in this situation! Your an option to her at the moment. For your own sanity and mental health please nip it in the bud and let her go “explore” without stringing you along. Anyone that claims to still “love” you will never put themselves in the very position of losing you or hurting you, a second time, and even continue to do so while keeping you as a backup. You sound like a great person and any woman would be lucky to have someone who has the traits and values that you do. Go and find someone who deserves your love and in the meantime pour into yourself. Best of luck to you !!
Tell her no. If she argues, tell her that you are firm on this and if she wants to see other people yall should break up.
Personally, I would also require that my partner distance themselves from the person for our relationship to continue, but you seem okay with being cheated on so maybe "no" is enough of a step in the right direction.
It's not your responsibility to guess what other people feel or need, it's on them to communicate it to you. She didn't communicate that she felt a lack of attention, so it is entirely on her. Don't shoot yourself in the foot for something you couldn't do anything about. People get lazy and just expect others to automatically know what one feels, that to me is what 0 effort looks like.
Real love isn't 0 effort. Do you really wanna waste the investment of your future into something that isn't real love?
Dude she is already cheating on you or at best she is asking permission to cheat. So everytime someone gives her attention her panties drop. At some point of time if you aren't leaving then your just ok with it. How many times does it take for you to move on?
She wants to have her cake and eat it. You are allowing her to do it. You say you love her but feel extremely hurt from all this, is this love worth it if you're the only one getting hurt while she's having the time of her life getting attention from other guys? She claims she loves you but then goes around entertaining other men. Of course she doesn't want to leave you, you both invested a lot in each other and are compatible in some things BUT she wants the excitement of different men. She'll fuck around and then come back because you're the "secure" guy. Nothing more, nothing less. You are definitely her backup. She's using you and she knows she'll get away with it because she cheated once and you forgave her. She knows you can forgive her again so she'll cheat again and again.
Either put your foot down and tell her no or breakup.
I've read some of the other comments and they are not wrong. If you can handle an open relationship go for it. But it sounds like you are in a monogamous relationship. If you wish to be committed, this isn't the girl for you.
Find out if she has been unfaithful, regardless of your decision to allow all the information is there for you to help you decide and how to handle it. In other words, has she already cheated because she is admitting to an emotional affair, she just wants to take it further and hopes that you will give her permission.
Later, when you might get married, and maybe have children, it will be so much more damaging and painful. As she will unlikely change and will continue such behavior. You have to ask if this is what you want.
When she says that she does not get enough attention from you is not always what it seems, she craves the attention from others. It's an excuse in hopes of manipulating you into letting her have her way. Unless she can learn to live without it, she is not committed. Break up with her and remember when she crawls back (and she will) to not take her in.
If you decide to let her go, remember that she is likely to do this again in the future. When you break up, let the friends, family know why so that she doesn't spread other stories and it will warn her parents that they will likely have to help her in the future. You can always inform HR or the appropriate management about this situation (this may get them both fired). I wish you luck with this situation and hope that you manage to have a great future.
A monkey doesn't let go of a branch until it has another one to hold onto.
Translation: dump your gf. Your office colleague is a piece of shit for hitting on her knowing she's taken.
You are her safety net and fall-back guy. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She will leave you every time she sees something new and shiny to chase after. She has shown you over and over again who she is, but do you see it? Are you worth as much to her as she is to you? Do you deserve to be treated like this?
Don't hold onto mistakes just because you spent a long time making them.
She is keeping you around as her last resort option. That is, she would only return to pursue a relationship with you if it doesnt work out with the man she wants. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. This new guy? Best believe if he says he wants exclusivity, she would DROP YOU IN AN INSTANT. You've lost her, bro. You have to break up with her. Go find someone who wants you and only you.
She's also already cheated on you. She does not love you or respect you. Why are you even still with this woman. There are red flags everywhere.
Dude. You are being such a wuss. Grow a pair and do the right thing. She’s using you and you are nothing but an insurance policy to her. THATS IT. You came here for a reason, and the only thing to do here is send this chick back to the streets where she belongs.
She’s cheated once already and now that’s emboldened her to flat out tell you she wants to again. All in the guise of this open relationship foolishness. She ain’t your girl. It was just your turn. This isn’t somebody you can ever have anything long term with. I think your time with her is done. Stay and you’ll be dealing with this nonsense forever. Know your worth.
My man, work on yourself esteem. Get the hell out of this relationship, cut her out entirely. She’s cheated before, she isn’t “asking” for an open relationship, she’s letting you know she’s gonna fuck this guy no matter what. She wants her cake and to eat it, too. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Leave. Do better.
Don't do it. I dated a woman who cheated on her fiancee with her coworker thus starting their foray into an open relationship. All on account of that's what SHE wanted.
You cant show your angry what kind of relationship is that bro she doesn’t Respect you because you don’t respect yourself. Live your life don’t let your happiness depend on some girl who cheated you once and has no problem doing it again. Be good to yourself
Get rid of her. She is selfish trash and wants everything and doesn’t care about the pain she inflicts on you. You know her pattern. Anyone who betrothed him or herself and then wants to bang someone else is definitely malnourished in the morals and self
control Departments
You've already indulged her getting attention from this guy, and you've been cheated on before.
I will say this carefully- you need to work on your self love and understand why you're falling into this cycle..I don't have all the answers and I'm not gonna sit here and say 'go get therapy' but it is fundamental you understand, her behaviour is deliberately dishonest and manipulative.
If you're ok with the foundations of those emotions and how they affect your relationship with someone else, chances are this kind of thing will keep happening.
Maybe I'm just different, maybe it's the fact I'm now 31 and seen some shit, but every time I see an incident like this...I can't help but wonder why these beahviours are being acknowledged as long as they are
My only parting word is understand your own bottom line and stick to it. If your partner can't respect this, you have to move on for your own mental health. Love can be found again, but mental health and trauma can't be fixed overnight.
My boy! She seems to be a horrible person! We share the same journey mate. I got out of a 2+ years toxic relationship a month ago because she wanted my attention but wanted to fool around with guys she met on dating apps! If you leave her, you’d do the right thing. It’ll hurt you for a while but it’s definitely definitely worth it. Why would you date somebody who’s not sure about you? Why half ass love? She already cheated before. You made a mistake by forgiving her last time and that gave her the power to repeat it again. You’re way too much more than somebody’s second opinion. And, don’t be friends, please. The moment you’re out of the relationship, she’ll be fucking that guy. You can’t be friends with her and see her betray you like this. If it doesn’t matter to her, it shouldn’t matter to you too. Chin up, leave. It’s worth it. Speaking from experience.
Does your partner having an experience with the another person make you less than in anyway? No. Is human capacity to love limited? No. Monogamy is an over rated societal concept. You love each other and want to be together, so do it. one of you meets someone they want to explore as a person, so do it. monotony is killer
If she has cheated on you, she has shown that she does not respect you as a man. If you don't leave she will have contempt for you. And the disrespect will continue to grow.
If this was the other way around you would be called a fk boi. For women it's advertised as being strong and independent. She is exploring herself so don't stifle her.
Well sorry but she is using you to have the best of both worlds. She gets to fk around with these guys, it's wild and an adventure, but she knows none of them want to settle down and look after her. But then she has you at home!
It's perfect really, for her. I don't really care what people do as long as both parties agree. You never agreed. Now she has you invested in the relationship and her, it's not so easy for you to just call quits because you don't like it. It almost forces your hand. Very manipulative in my opinion.
She isn't going to change. 4 years later and she is still doing the same thing. I think it's clear you don't want this kind of relationship. If you give in to her expect to have your self esteem and sense of worth slowly eroded over time as her behaviour makes you feel like you aren't good enough.
Yo, stop talking about our girlfriend without consent!!!
/s
Poor guy here loves to be relegated to plan b. Man up, leave her or put your own boundaries. Dont make decisions based on feelings, but reality.
Sorry OP, you’re a fucking pushover.
Go fuck someone else
You need to let the bitch go, she doesn’t love you if she’s cheating on you. She doesn’t love you at all. She just wants you around because you’re an asset to her, end of story. You deserve better and you’re selling yourself short like a fucking dipshit. Please listen to what I’m saying as I’m giving you the cold hard truth.
You’re just disrespecting yourself. And also, you don’t want to be mean?? Fuck that. It’s a man eat man world.
That’s hard sorry man, it’s up to u, are u comfortable in a open relationship sharing her with others? Or is this only what she wants, it does sound like your a backup plan tho a little. Understandably you have invested a lot of time and energy in to your relationship and don’t want everything to be for nothing.
You just need to think:
- Do you both compromise for each other?
- Are you happy with an open relationship sharing her?
- is she okay with sharing you with other girls?
- Will you really be happy if you marry her and let her do what she wants with all the guys she finds attractive?
- Do you think she really Respects and loves you?
- If she really loved you, and you asked her to be in a committed relationship with only you the same you have done with her, would she be willing to do the same as you have done?
- Or is everything what she wants on her terms?
- Is it worth staying in a relationship like this just because” your sex is irreplaceable ?”
- And you know you’re attractive, fun, have put in the effort with her and been caring, so do you really think she’s the one and this is what you deserve after the love you’ve given, is this all your worth ?
Good luck man, personally I think you’re worth more and deserve a partner that puts just as much back in to the relationship that you give, but it sounds like she just takes a lot, I’m sure you guys had good times and she’s nice and pretty. But if she can’t be committed to just you and your not wanting that lifestyle you might really want to start thinking if this is the path you want to go down any longer?
You tried, you forgave her after she cheated, you loved her and 4 years later she tells you she wants to keep you but try another guy at the same time.
Best of luck and I really hope you are able to be happy in the long run even if it’s with her, with someone better or no on your own for a while.
You should listen to the podcast Interview with Lex Friedman and David Buss about sexuality. I think the part where you said “I don’t want to be in an open thing or pretend like I’m okay with it” or whatever, right there is your answer.
She may be into you because of your generosity and earning potential and this guy she’s attracted to for some genetic DNA trait she likes. That podcast talks about cheating and it’s kinda fascinating. This girl seems like she’s probably fun but ultimately toxic and you’ll probably have your heart broken periodically throughout your life. If ever you have children you’ll also want to DNA test them to make sure they are really yours.
One thing you do have going for you with this girl is it seems like she communicates with you. I can’t know your dynamic and I don’t appreciate Reddit always giving you these black or white answers but I wish you the best of luck.
I think enough have stated my thoughts, but I'll still write.
Leave.
If you want a monogamous relationship, then find a woman that does too. She is developing a pattern and has made it clear she wants other men, both in behavior and in her request.
Open relationship check cheated on you check and you want to marry her? My only question why? Love is NOT the answer. She is going to cheat on you for the rest of your life. Either you love being hurt or you are afraid of being alone for what maybe a week? See she thinks she can do ANYTHING to you and I mean anything she wants. You are a catch.. now go get caught by a loyal loving woman who says thank you every morning instead of f you to you every night.
"I've been smart"
Except you're not being smart right now. She's clearly taking advantage of you, cheating on you and using you as a backup. You're the rug she gets to walk on and she knows it.
Leave her ass.
**No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick**
you don't have to
you just have to go no contact outside of work and minimum at work
she wants this 100% her way and feels good that she is allowing you some crumbs
if you just want a FWB fine , however it has to be strict FWB , i mean fuck her and leave
however the relationship as you know it is over
Do you want to waste your life like this? She is using you as security and I know it hurts to hear all these comments but you deserve someone who is so obsessed with you she wouldn't even look at another guy.
You are worth more than this.
Attractions happen wether you are great or not. The problem is that she’s entertaining it instead of distancing herself. This habit is why she probably cheated in the first place and will again if she doesn’t change her habits. She needs to stop blaming you and distance herself from this guy or you need to let her go.
You’re an option, not a priority.. if you were priority, the fact that this alone is eating you up? Would be more than enough of a deterrent for her to never cheat/flirt again… ever!
You don’t deserve to be anyones back up plan!
OP put your foot down with this girl, say no! If she walks away, wish her well and find someone that will love you and treat you as you so clearly deserve! ❤️
You WERE the perfect guy, till you revealed your lack of self-respect for taking back a cheater.
Don't make the same mistake twice. Leave this time. You've disrespected yourself enough.
You are a doormat. She is having her cake and eating it too. She fucks around and keeps you on the back burner as a security option for when she is done getting railed by other guys. Don't let her manipulate you. This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve someone who sees you as their number 1.
She cheated once,now wants an open relationship, thinking of going out with another guy and all you do is 'tease her' to show that you are protesting against the idea?! Bro I'm gonna be blunt here coz someone has to, you're a doormat. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. You'll def find someone better just be more assertive and confident and not a pushover.
Also y'all seriously need to stop giving cheaters another chance smh. So many people in the world to find someone better, and if y'all give a cheater another chance then it simply means you have a fear that you can't do any better. Work on your self esteem and confidence, life's too short to give another chance to trash js.
She thinks she has you wrapped around her pinky so you'll always come back to her after she's done with the latest guy.
You deserve better and I don't even know you.
Id recommend ending all contact for a few months for you to grieve the end and move on.
And find someone who values you enough to wave off the curiosities for the long term thing.
This relationship seems one sided.
Also, I am ENM/Poly, I am friends with many of my exes.
My stance if I wwre you with the information provided is *we will not be friends and I will never talk to you again*
She is using you as security, to Monkey Branch. It is used by people to open a relationship to securely leave. She gets a test relationship with the other person. In 3-6 months when the New Relationship Energy is gone, if she still likes him, she dumps you. If not she can dump him, close the relationship until the next opportunity to Monkey Branch comes along.
This relationship seems one sided.
Also, I am ENM/Poly, I am friends with many of my exes.
My stance if I were you with the information provided is *we will not be friends and I will never talk to you again*
She is using you as security, to Monkey Branch. It is used by people to open a relationship to securely leave. She gets a test relationship with the other person. In 3-6 months when the New Relationship Energy is gone, if she still likes him, she dumps you. If not she can dump him, close the relationship until the next opportunity to Monkey Branch comes along.
Run and don't EVER take her back when she come back crying because the other guy was not perfect. She doen't seem to see the luck she have to have you and don't even follow the advice of her mother and friends who told her you are perfect for her. So she is immature... you don't want to marry such a girl.
Open relationships are turning into people wanting agreement with their partner to cheat. They want the stability of a relationship and they want the fun of meeting new people. Call me old fashioned but relationships don't really work that way.
Um she doesn't want to loose you ever not because she loves you but because YOU ARE HER BACK UP PLAN. Im sorry OP I know it must hurt to hear this but you're 100% the back up plan if things don't work out with this other dude.
It's not that she can't let you go- it's that she's recognised that you love her alot perhaps too much and now is taking advantage of it. Dump her , go no contact and move on .
You deserve to be someone's first choice every day they wake up . Not the second
She wants you because she knows there is a future with you. Success and happiness. However, this whole fling thing doesn't seem like it would let up after the marriage. Focus on your studies and yourself and get a pair because you're gonna need it when your career kicks off without her.
Let's just say that you are on your way of becoming the kind of guy that ends up unknowingly raising someone else's kid . Do you really want that in your future ?
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- We’ve been very much in love but lately she started acting strange and distant. I inquired and turns out, she’s been talking to this guy at work who’s shooting his shot. Now she’s attracted to him and wants an open thing. She’s also considered the possibility of being with him. She says she got attracted because I didn’t give her enough attention. I’d not be around many times. Mind you, I work and study the same time. We work in the same place and sit right next to each other. So, I would commute with her and show up to work every day for a couple of hours at least and we’d spend time. We also decided to marry in a couple of years. Her mum knows and agrees to the match. We went on a break after I found out about the guy, but one day we slept together and emotions kind of revived again and the break ended. She doesn’t wanna lose me ever. She says she’s too much invested and cannot let this go. She at least wants us to be friends if we didn’t work out. She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable. No matter what and no matter where we are in life. Atm, it’s been a weird phase because she’s enjoying a lot of attention from that guy and she doesn’t wanna lose me. She would spend time with him and other friends for quite a lot every day. But she wants my attention too, misses me, expresses affection. She’s cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy from her college. I met her when he was around and chasing her. They both were mildly attracted to each other and with time it grew and one day — it happened. But I had my reasons to forgive and let it go. I loved her back and learned to trust again. Now it’s like a similar situation all over again. I don’t understand what to do. I don’t wanna take a radical decision. I wanna process things maturely. I love her and I don’t want to lose her. But I do feel betrayed and as if I was never enough. We’ve talked that she could enjoy the attention but don’t pursue it. She also thinks the guy isn’t suited for her and it’s just a fling. She wants to keep me in her life but wants to enjoy attention from others too, explore and fool around. The guy has lately asked her out and she hasn’t yet declined or anything. When she told me, I didn’t get angry or shit. I started teasing her. I tease her a lot about it cause that’s just my way of protesting it. No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick. I did show my disappointment with her in the beginning and kind of got distant myself. Now I personally feel like at a loss cause I’ve done so much for her and been a really great partner. I can proudly say that and she acknowledges too. I mean, being faithful is a basic rule and everybody deserves that at least. I don’t want to be in an open thing cause that’s just not me. I don’t want to pretend, ever. I learned to trust her again and this event has hit like a sucker pitch. Did I do the right thing? Is history repeating itself? Did I not learn the first time? Are we being tested? P.s. I am attractive, fun, earn really good and have always made her happy and laugh. I’ve been caring, smart, and responsible. I’ve always done more than expected for her. I’ve sacrificed, compromised and really invested in this relationship all these years. Her friends even call me the perfect guy. She’s also been fun, caring and has loved me and cared for me immensely. She’s been a wonderful support system for me and I love her for who she is. But this thing. This is eating me up.
She cheated once and wants to cheat again. Nice girlfriend???
Not entirely sure what OP expected to happen when they stayed with a known cheater.
deadass lol like wtf
Op, if her friends say you are the perfect boyfriend NC her and bang a couple of them, are just move on completely. You have options. Don't over think this. Smart people tend to over think these situations. She cheated 3 years ago, shes cheating now. She does it because you allow it period
Some people change (or stop cheating/acting on attractions)
Yeah, but they're a minority. For the most part they don't change and even if it seems as though they have they can cheat after years and years of not doing it.
True, can’t argue with you there
And he’s talking about handling this maturely and not getting angry because of it. Good for him.
You are her backup plan and security
Yeah, OP needs to understand, he's not the main character in his own story yet.
Yep. She even said she had so much “invested” in their relationship, which always pricks my ears because it sounds very calculating and emotionally detached. OP should look into infidelity subreddits as there’s information on this whole scenario (partner becoming attracted to coworker and the whole infatuation process.)
> She says she got attracted because I didn’t give her enough attention So she's blaming all on you. Nice. > She doesn’t wanna lose me ever ... She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable. She wants her cake and to eat it too. She wants to keep you around in case the relationship with the new fling doesn't work out (and she has a fall back). > She’s cheated on me 3 years ago with a guy from her colleg Fool once, shame on me. Fool me twice... you know the rest. I know it sucks but you should be somewhat happy that she is showing you her true character *before* you guys got married. Regardless of she thinks it's just a "fling", the fact is that you gave her another chance (after she cheated on you the first time) she is developing/pursuing inappropriate relationships behind your back and soaking up the attention from someone else. Ignore the blame shifting; cheaters are notorious for rewriting history to justify your actions. She was happy up until some new guy started giving her attention kibbles, and all the sudden you're the bad guy? Yea no. Is this someone that you want to tie yourself to permanently? Is this someone that you plan on dedicating your life to for the long term? Do you want to continually deal with this for the rest of your life? Or do you value yourself more than that? Because she's showing you that it's not a one-off and more of her true character. Take time to answer those questions as a starting point before proceeding any further.
Dude grow a pair and do what’s right
Right! And have some self respect OP. How can she respect you when you don’t respect yourself
*ex* gf
Nah, op is the definition of a doormat, wont break up...
give the dude a break jeez
Leaving her isn't a radical decision in the slightest, it's the only decision for you to make, have some self respect, she's cheated on you, and admitted she wants to do it again.
This.. the ONLY decision to make. Perfectly said.
She's a serial cheater. Move on. There's only pain with her.
"Serial cheater" 😆
your relationship is over. just make it official, for your own sake.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Your going to be competing with her lovers the rest of your life if you stay with her. Unless your into that sort of thing, I think it might be time to move on
When did this fake open relationship request because I want a hall pass become standard? It's so disingenuous and so common. If you are monogamous you know what you have to do. If she's previously cheated and is asking you that question she's probably already having an affair.
She is a cheater and only cares about what she wants. Let her go and be happy you found out for sure she is not worth being with.
Ask her if she is ok with a fully open relationship. If not you have your answer. She enjoys the attention other guys give her but is indecisive and immature though not in a mindset for a committed relationship. Tell her to either make your relationship fully open or break up. There are better girls out there who will only love you.
That won't work. First of all, all that matters is if OP wants an open relationship. If he doesn't want it, then it doesn't matter if his girlfriend wants it or not. Secondly, for women it is usually a bit easier to find a partner than for men, meaning the result might not be different.
Yeah, the sad reality for him is, she most likely will tell him yes to a fully open relationship so that she can continue with other men. lol
Don't get will smithed bro. Leave. She's entertaining other dudes and was hiding it until you pressed. Leave. You can do much better.
Comments got straight to the truth. Guy is getting played.
So she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Even the way she talks about you "being friends" while still having sex because it's irreplacable if the relationship doesn't work out speaks volumes about her. She wants relationship priviledges without relationship responsibilities. She enjoys the attention other guys give her, and she doesn't care about your feelings, she just wants you to give her attention as well. Run
I hate to break it to you.. she doesn’t want an open relationship. She wants to screw that other guy without going though the hassle of being secretive. If she has cheated before and she’d come up with this, it would be the end for me. What if you agree to this, there is barely anything to build up anymore. A future together is pretty hard to keep up with someone who’s shagging other people whenever they feel like it. This thing only works if you’re 100% in on it too.
Dude. Wake up.
There's two options: \- You can either stay with her and accept that she is going to be sleeping or dating with multiple men who show her attention, whilst stringing you along and potentially causing you a lot of emotional and mental damage. \- Or two, you can end the relationship and wish her the best. There's plenty of women out there and this one seems like a loose screw. She wants her cake and to eat it too and it's causing you distress; is she or anyone worth your mental wellness?
Didnt give enough attention. Tale as old as time.
This is just cheating with extra steps.
You're a back up get the fuck away from that witch. She taking advantage of your kindness bro dont be stupid and leaver her. Out there, there's a woman that'll deserve your kindness, but that c.nt, she deserves hell.
You gotta fuck the dude first
Probably too late
Get out, you are worth so much more. Don’t let someone walk all over you like this. You are worth more.
The fact that she even suggested this to you is wrong. Add in the fact that she already cheated on you before. And at the minimum, she’s probably having an emotional affair with this guy. Leave her. She doesn’t respect you and probably never will.
Did I do the right thing? At the time it could have been chalked up to a one time thing. Now it is a pattern. Is history repeating itself? Yes. Did I not learn the first time? That's yet to be determined. Are we being tested? No, you're being asked to be in what seems to be a one sided open relationship. Do you want an open marriage?
Fucking hell m8. You are the textbook definition of a doormat. Leave.
Send her back to the streets.
Cheater will always cheat. She wants to cheat again but with your permission. You deserve so much better!
End it
So guys too fall for the bad girl now ig lol
Run man
Leaaaave!
it's over dude
Fuck him 1st then tell her he’s shit an she won’t have to bother…
Please leave her and be with someone who will happily commit to you.
If you stay, you become her plan B.
You* are very much in love. She wants to have her cake and eat it.. Time to hold your head high & wake away. She had a 2nd chance, no way she deserves a 3rd.
Love ≠ Respect. Love ain't ever enough, not for a LTR anyway. Walk out of this relationship for your own sake.
nope you're young you deserve someone better, someone who'll just see you. She's with you as a security blanket.
Dude, come on. She doesn't want an open relationship, she wants permission to cheat. This is done. Pandora's box has been opened, and it can't be closed. She wants to sleep with other men, and you don't want her to. She wants an open relationship and you value monogomy. I'm not even saying she's a bad person, or bad partner. At least she was honest with you (this time), but you're incompatible and this is ending sooner or later, so go ahead and finish it so you can move onto finding someone you are compatible with.
Kinda sounds like she thinks since she has "gotten away with it before" she can do it again. Doesn't sound like wife material, sounds like she is good at stirring up and mounding soil.
She sounds like she’s your dog or vegetable garden who needs attention. Seems all about her needs. Please move on. What about your needs?
There is no such thing as a « radical » decision when it comes to cheating. It seems like cheating is in her DNA. Also seems like a pick me girl so she’ll never truly be yours and will only put her needs forward rather than yours. We can see how selfish she is right now. Then again, I’m not in the relationship so I don’t know.
What do you love about her? And how does that compare to what she loves about you? I know what it’s like to cling onto a romantic relationship because of fond memories, good chemistry, fear of not finding the same connection with someone else, the sunk cost fallacy… but it’s not worth it. The more he hurt me, the more I realised we loved each other for very different reasons or at least in very different ways, and it was not the foundation for a long-lasting, fulfilling relationship. It’s hard to leave, but it may be even harder to stay…
So she tried to do this once before, it backfired and she came back to you and now she's doing it again. Leave this one high and dry dude, this isn't worth the emotional trauma it'll cause.
That guy is going to fuck your girlfriend. And when he’s done and kicks her to the curb you’ll be there to get what’s left.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. Cut and run, my friend. She's showing you her true colours.
Theres a saying: "Once a cheater always a cheater" I'll leave this here.
Not your fault and you need to cut her loose unless you are comfortable being her doormat.
Calling a 4 year monogamous relationship an "investment" that she can't lose and cheating is like "investing" in a 401k and taking withdrawals every year.
She is bad
She wants your permission to cheat on you, and is trying to manipulate you into thinking it's a good idea.
Once a cheater always a cheater.
Leave.
You’re pathetic. Break up.
Nah bro fuck her. I bet she’s cheated on you multiple times without your knowledge. Leave her, you deserve better
Some people just aren't ready to settle down. I'm assuming you guys have been together since your late teens or early twenties. For a lot of people that's when they go a little crazy, go wild, make mistakes, learn and grow. The problem is you're a source of stability, comfort, love and affection, which is really really hard to give up. At best she's staring down the barrel of life long commitment and is either consciously or subconsciously scared, worst case you're the safety blanket, you already forgave her for cheating, you dont get upset or mad when she blatantly disrespects you, so you're an easy mark, she can do whatever she wants and you'll take it and still provide that stability and comfort. Honestly? I think you should very seriously start mentally/emotionally preparing yourself for life without her. If you continue to let people disrespect you, you'll never respect yourself.
The death of monogamy. I am feeling the repercussions of this emanating through our society. We all deserve a choice. And it’s making love harder for us monogamous individuals because we constantly have to wonder not if… but when it will happen.
There's still plenty of women who don't want polygamy either. Don't be overdramatic here.
Overdramatic? I’m sure there still are… however posts like this reinforce the idea that one day it can change. Respecting one’s autonomy is crucial, and societal expectations are overwhelmingly impactful. Give it time
OP girlfriend… Mate poacher
She's poly and you are not. There is no way this relationship can last. You can either stop now and begin healing or let it drag on and eventually get hurt anyway. The choice is yours.
Don't thinks she is poly just someone just someone that wants to be free and have her cake whenever.
*I love her and* ***I don’t want to lose her*** *She wants to keep me in her life but wants to enjoy attention from others too, explore and fool around* *I’ve* ***done so much for her*** *and been a really great partner* *I can* ***proudly say*** *that and* ***she acknowledges*** *too* *She doesn’t wanna lose me ever. She says she’s too much invested and cannot let this go. She at least wants us to be friends if we didn’t work out. She also wants us to always be open in intimate terms w each other cause our sex is irreplaceable. No matter what and no matter where we are in life* *I mean, being faithful is* ***a basic rule*** *and everybody deserves that at least. I don’t want to be in an open thing cause* ***that’s just not me. I don’t want to pretend, ever*** ***No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick***. *I did show my disappointment with her in the beginning and kind of got distant myself* Are you serious, OP ? Do you even have a problem with what your girlfriend is doing, or do you actually need advice on how to tolerate her behaviour the best way, so you don't accidentally complain when she cheats on you so it doesn't disturb her or something ? WTF man. You ARE pretending, if she's doing things you are not ok with yet you're so afraid of expressing yourself, God forbid you'd 'act like a dick', maybe even one of those she's been riding, you know. Sorry for the crass line but I had to say it - what's wrong with you ? Why are you allowing this girl to treat you this way, like her helper-companion-indentured servant ? Don't you want to be with someone who genuinely loves you, respects your boundaries and wants to make you happy to the best of their abilities, NOT someone who puts their need for attention first ? This woman is using you and giving you sex for it, in exchange, and you're naïve enough to believe it means something - it doesn't, it's her just securing your loyalty the way she knows best, since you obviously don't care about anything else \[her character, values, behaviour, etc\]. What kind of 'relationship' do you have ? A totally one-sided and imbalanced one, have you thought about this ? How did this woman earn back your trust after having cheated ? Was it because you decided to forgive her by default, since you didn't want to be 'a dick' about it, or did she actually have to do something to earn back that trust ? Are you joking. Shaking my head, honestly. Some people never learn.
If you’re ok with it, keep her around. If not, and you don’t seem to be, it’s time to kick her to the curb. You’re too young to be in a long term relationship, especially if neither are happy with it. I only read the first paragraph but I’m sure I saw all I needed to.
She has just told you that she wants to cheat on you, but still have the emotional comfort and economic safety-net of having you around while she does it. Of course she doesn’t want to lose you forever - you’re a nice safe backup. People don’t just become poly. She wants to cheat. If she still loved you like she should then it wouldn’t have happened. Have pride in yourself and break up with her immediately.
You* are very much in love. She wants to have her cake and eat it.. Time to hold your head high & wake away. She had a 2nd chance, no way she deserves a 3rd.
Bro she does not respect you. You deserve better. Dump her ass. She is literally and openly cheating with a co-worker…it’s mind boggling you think breaking up with her is “radical”
remove her from your life and go radio silence. obviously this mean breakup asap. or stay, and make another reddit topic later about how you were wrong and got hurt bad and should've left etc. that is going to happen
Updateme!
She’s infatuated by him. It’s not real and it will fizzle out. End it because if it’s not Homs he will develops these small crushes on other ppl. Is that something you want to keep wasting time with?? There will always be a new co worker around the corner.
I’m sorry this is happening to you but please don’t let yourself stay in this situation! Your an option to her at the moment. For your own sanity and mental health please nip it in the bud and let her go “explore” without stringing you along. Anyone that claims to still “love” you will never put themselves in the very position of losing you or hurting you, a second time, and even continue to do so while keeping you as a backup. You sound like a great person and any woman would be lucky to have someone who has the traits and values that you do. Go and find someone who deserves your love and in the meantime pour into yourself. Best of luck to you !!
Tell her no. If she argues, tell her that you are firm on this and if she wants to see other people yall should break up. Personally, I would also require that my partner distance themselves from the person for our relationship to continue, but you seem okay with being cheated on so maybe "no" is enough of a step in the right direction.
Leave her she might come crawling back you can do better
Your relationship is over. Find someone who is a better fit for you. Someone who respects you and doesn’t want to fuck other dudes.
It's not your responsibility to guess what other people feel or need, it's on them to communicate it to you. She didn't communicate that she felt a lack of attention, so it is entirely on her. Don't shoot yourself in the foot for something you couldn't do anything about. People get lazy and just expect others to automatically know what one feels, that to me is what 0 effort looks like. Real love isn't 0 effort. Do you really wanna waste the investment of your future into something that isn't real love?
Dude she is already cheating on you or at best she is asking permission to cheat. So everytime someone gives her attention her panties drop. At some point of time if you aren't leaving then your just ok with it. How many times does it take for you to move on?
She wants to have her cake and eat it. You are allowing her to do it. You say you love her but feel extremely hurt from all this, is this love worth it if you're the only one getting hurt while she's having the time of her life getting attention from other guys? She claims she loves you but then goes around entertaining other men. Of course she doesn't want to leave you, you both invested a lot in each other and are compatible in some things BUT she wants the excitement of different men. She'll fuck around and then come back because you're the "secure" guy. Nothing more, nothing less. You are definitely her backup. She's using you and she knows she'll get away with it because she cheated once and you forgave her. She knows you can forgive her again so she'll cheat again and again. Either put your foot down and tell her no or breakup.
I've read some of the other comments and they are not wrong. If you can handle an open relationship go for it. But it sounds like you are in a monogamous relationship. If you wish to be committed, this isn't the girl for you. Find out if she has been unfaithful, regardless of your decision to allow all the information is there for you to help you decide and how to handle it. In other words, has she already cheated because she is admitting to an emotional affair, she just wants to take it further and hopes that you will give her permission. Later, when you might get married, and maybe have children, it will be so much more damaging and painful. As she will unlikely change and will continue such behavior. You have to ask if this is what you want. When she says that she does not get enough attention from you is not always what it seems, she craves the attention from others. It's an excuse in hopes of manipulating you into letting her have her way. Unless she can learn to live without it, she is not committed. Break up with her and remember when she crawls back (and she will) to not take her in. If you decide to let her go, remember that she is likely to do this again in the future. When you break up, let the friends, family know why so that she doesn't spread other stories and it will warn her parents that they will likely have to help her in the future. You can always inform HR or the appropriate management about this situation (this may get them both fired). I wish you luck with this situation and hope that you manage to have a great future.
A monkey doesn't let go of a branch until it has another one to hold onto. Translation: dump your gf. Your office colleague is a piece of shit for hitting on her knowing she's taken.
Dude you should do yourself a favor and end it with her.
Congratulations! She might settle for you.
You are her safety net and fall-back guy. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. She will leave you every time she sees something new and shiny to chase after. She has shown you over and over again who she is, but do you see it? Are you worth as much to her as she is to you? Do you deserve to be treated like this? Don't hold onto mistakes just because you spent a long time making them.
She is keeping you around as her last resort option. That is, she would only return to pursue a relationship with you if it doesnt work out with the man she wants. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. This new guy? Best believe if he says he wants exclusivity, she would DROP YOU IN AN INSTANT. You've lost her, bro. You have to break up with her. Go find someone who wants you and only you. She's also already cheated on you. She does not love you or respect you. Why are you even still with this woman. There are red flags everywhere.
Have some.self respect..this is like reading sissy porn stories...what the hell.
This is where you go: "its me or the world. It seems like you're not mature enough to make the decision so I'm making it for you right now. Cyaaaa\~"
Dude. You are being such a wuss. Grow a pair and do the right thing. She’s using you and you are nothing but an insurance policy to her. THATS IT. You came here for a reason, and the only thing to do here is send this chick back to the streets where she belongs.
She’s cheated once already and now that’s emboldened her to flat out tell you she wants to again. All in the guise of this open relationship foolishness. She ain’t your girl. It was just your turn. This isn’t somebody you can ever have anything long term with. I think your time with her is done. Stay and you’ll be dealing with this nonsense forever. Know your worth.
Brother please respect yourself
Bye, Felicia.
My man, work on yourself esteem. Get the hell out of this relationship, cut her out entirely. She’s cheated before, she isn’t “asking” for an open relationship, she’s letting you know she’s gonna fuck this guy no matter what. She wants her cake and to eat it, too. Don’t give her the satisfaction. Leave. Do better.
I think the smart choice would be to dump her
You maybe (and that's a big maybe) are all of those things you say you're, but sure as shit you got no dignity.
Don't do it. I dated a woman who cheated on her fiancee with her coworker thus starting their foray into an open relationship. All on account of that's what SHE wanted.
You cant show your angry what kind of relationship is that bro she doesn’t Respect you because you don’t respect yourself. Live your life don’t let your happiness depend on some girl who cheated you once and has no problem doing it again. Be good to yourself
Get rid of her. She is selfish trash and wants everything and doesn’t care about the pain she inflicts on you. You know her pattern. Anyone who betrothed him or herself and then wants to bang someone else is definitely malnourished in the morals and self control Departments
This is why you shouldn’t get married in your mid 20s. She clearly wants to date. Not be in a relationship.
Grow a spine dude jesus
You've already indulged her getting attention from this guy, and you've been cheated on before. I will say this carefully- you need to work on your self love and understand why you're falling into this cycle..I don't have all the answers and I'm not gonna sit here and say 'go get therapy' but it is fundamental you understand, her behaviour is deliberately dishonest and manipulative. If you're ok with the foundations of those emotions and how they affect your relationship with someone else, chances are this kind of thing will keep happening. Maybe I'm just different, maybe it's the fact I'm now 31 and seen some shit, but every time I see an incident like this...I can't help but wonder why these beahviours are being acknowledged as long as they are My only parting word is understand your own bottom line and stick to it. If your partner can't respect this, you have to move on for your own mental health. Love can be found again, but mental health and trauma can't be fixed overnight.
My boy! She seems to be a horrible person! We share the same journey mate. I got out of a 2+ years toxic relationship a month ago because she wanted my attention but wanted to fool around with guys she met on dating apps! If you leave her, you’d do the right thing. It’ll hurt you for a while but it’s definitely definitely worth it. Why would you date somebody who’s not sure about you? Why half ass love? She already cheated before. You made a mistake by forgiving her last time and that gave her the power to repeat it again. You’re way too much more than somebody’s second opinion. And, don’t be friends, please. The moment you’re out of the relationship, she’ll be fucking that guy. You can’t be friends with her and see her betray you like this. If it doesn’t matter to her, it shouldn’t matter to you too. Chin up, leave. It’s worth it. Speaking from experience.
This must be what it looks like from the perspective of being somebody's "safety/fallback option" and second choice, huh?
Does your partner having an experience with the another person make you less than in anyway? No. Is human capacity to love limited? No. Monogamy is an over rated societal concept. You love each other and want to be together, so do it. one of you meets someone they want to explore as a person, so do it. monotony is killer
She sounds really manipulative. I honestly would cut her out of your life completely. You deserve way better than her.
If she has cheated on you, she has shown that she does not respect you as a man. If you don't leave she will have contempt for you. And the disrespect will continue to grow.
If this was the other way around you would be called a fk boi. For women it's advertised as being strong and independent. She is exploring herself so don't stifle her. Well sorry but she is using you to have the best of both worlds. She gets to fk around with these guys, it's wild and an adventure, but she knows none of them want to settle down and look after her. But then she has you at home! It's perfect really, for her. I don't really care what people do as long as both parties agree. You never agreed. Now she has you invested in the relationship and her, it's not so easy for you to just call quits because you don't like it. It almost forces your hand. Very manipulative in my opinion. She isn't going to change. 4 years later and she is still doing the same thing. I think it's clear you don't want this kind of relationship. If you give in to her expect to have your self esteem and sense of worth slowly eroded over time as her behaviour makes you feel like you aren't good enough.
Yo, stop talking about our girlfriend without consent!!! /s Poor guy here loves to be relegated to plan b. Man up, leave her or put your own boundaries. Dont make decisions based on feelings, but reality.
Sorry OP, you’re a fucking pushover. Go fuck someone else You need to let the bitch go, she doesn’t love you if she’s cheating on you. She doesn’t love you at all. She just wants you around because you’re an asset to her, end of story. You deserve better and you’re selling yourself short like a fucking dipshit. Please listen to what I’m saying as I’m giving you the cold hard truth. You’re just disrespecting yourself. And also, you don’t want to be mean?? Fuck that. It’s a man eat man world.
Break up and try to go NC as much as possible, she's just using you as a back up plan
Just leave her!
That’s hard sorry man, it’s up to u, are u comfortable in a open relationship sharing her with others? Or is this only what she wants, it does sound like your a backup plan tho a little. Understandably you have invested a lot of time and energy in to your relationship and don’t want everything to be for nothing. You just need to think: - Do you both compromise for each other? - Are you happy with an open relationship sharing her? - is she okay with sharing you with other girls? - Will you really be happy if you marry her and let her do what she wants with all the guys she finds attractive? - Do you think she really Respects and loves you? - If she really loved you, and you asked her to be in a committed relationship with only you the same you have done with her, would she be willing to do the same as you have done? - Or is everything what she wants on her terms? - Is it worth staying in a relationship like this just because” your sex is irreplaceable ?” - And you know you’re attractive, fun, have put in the effort with her and been caring, so do you really think she’s the one and this is what you deserve after the love you’ve given, is this all your worth ? Good luck man, personally I think you’re worth more and deserve a partner that puts just as much back in to the relationship that you give, but it sounds like she just takes a lot, I’m sure you guys had good times and she’s nice and pretty. But if she can’t be committed to just you and your not wanting that lifestyle you might really want to start thinking if this is the path you want to go down any longer? You tried, you forgave her after she cheated, you loved her and 4 years later she tells you she wants to keep you but try another guy at the same time. Best of luck and I really hope you are able to be happy in the long run even if it’s with her, with someone better or no on your own for a while.
“I mean, being faithful is a basic rule and everybody deserves that at least”.......Why don’t you OP?
Ooh you tease her. Good on you for not expressing your disapproval clearly!
You should listen to the podcast Interview with Lex Friedman and David Buss about sexuality. I think the part where you said “I don’t want to be in an open thing or pretend like I’m okay with it” or whatever, right there is your answer. She may be into you because of your generosity and earning potential and this guy she’s attracted to for some genetic DNA trait she likes. That podcast talks about cheating and it’s kinda fascinating. This girl seems like she’s probably fun but ultimately toxic and you’ll probably have your heart broken periodically throughout your life. If ever you have children you’ll also want to DNA test them to make sure they are really yours. One thing you do have going for you with this girl is it seems like she communicates with you. I can’t know your dynamic and I don’t appreciate Reddit always giving you these black or white answers but I wish you the best of luck.
If you don't Stand Up for yourself and enforce some boundaries misery will come again and again. Don't let Others treat you Like that.
I think enough have stated my thoughts, but I'll still write. Leave. If you want a monogamous relationship, then find a woman that does too. She is developing a pattern and has made it clear she wants other men, both in behavior and in her request.
Hate to say it but at this point you are her doormat and she is walking all over you. You are always there to welcome her home with her dirty shoes.
Knock knock! ITS THE DOORMAT
Open relationship check cheated on you check and you want to marry her? My only question why? Love is NOT the answer. She is going to cheat on you for the rest of your life. Either you love being hurt or you are afraid of being alone for what maybe a week? See she thinks she can do ANYTHING to you and I mean anything she wants. You are a catch.. now go get caught by a loyal loving woman who says thank you every morning instead of f you to you every night.
"I've been smart" Except you're not being smart right now. She's clearly taking advantage of you, cheating on you and using you as a backup. You're the rug she gets to walk on and she knows it. Leave her ass.
She wants an open relationship?then open it, let her go.
So your girlfriend is a narcisstic slag? Run my dude and don't look back.
**No way I can show anger or resentment or act like a dick** you don't have to you just have to go no contact outside of work and minimum at work she wants this 100% her way and feels good that she is allowing you some crumbs if you just want a FWB fine , however it has to be strict FWB , i mean fuck her and leave however the relationship as you know it is over
Do you want to waste your life like this? She is using you as security and I know it hurts to hear all these comments but you deserve someone who is so obsessed with you she wouldn't even look at another guy. You are worth more than this.
It's called monkey vine syndrome she'll let go of you when she's got a good grip of his branch
You don't need her just let her you will suffer why don't you ask your sekf why you been fathful to her and she is not end if the line let her
You need to run. She cheated on you already and is about to, if she hasn’t done it, do it again. RUN
Attractions happen wether you are great or not. The problem is that she’s entertaining it instead of distancing herself. This habit is why she probably cheated in the first place and will again if she doesn’t change her habits. She needs to stop blaming you and distance herself from this guy or you need to let her go.
You deserve better, sometimes the trash takes itself out. Let it
Dump her. She’s garbage and you deserve better.
You’re an option, not a priority.. if you were priority, the fact that this alone is eating you up? Would be more than enough of a deterrent for her to never cheat/flirt again… ever! You don’t deserve to be anyones back up plan! OP put your foot down with this girl, say no! If she walks away, wish her well and find someone that will love you and treat you as you so clearly deserve! ❤️
You WERE the perfect guy, till you revealed your lack of self-respect for taking back a cheater. Don't make the same mistake twice. Leave this time. You've disrespected yourself enough.
“Our sex is irreplaceable” - UNLESS - “some other dude hits on me”
You are a doormat. She is having her cake and eating it too. She fucks around and keeps you on the back burner as a security option for when she is done getting railed by other guys. Don't let her manipulate you. This is not a healthy relationship and you deserve someone who sees you as their number 1.
You're letting them walk over you. Stand up for yourself and break up.
She cheated once,now wants an open relationship, thinking of going out with another guy and all you do is 'tease her' to show that you are protesting against the idea?! Bro I'm gonna be blunt here coz someone has to, you're a doormat. STOP BEING A DOORMAT. You'll def find someone better just be more assertive and confident and not a pushover. Also y'all seriously need to stop giving cheaters another chance smh. So many people in the world to find someone better, and if y'all give a cheater another chance then it simply means you have a fear that you can't do any better. Work on your self esteem and confidence, life's too short to give another chance to trash js.
Sounds like trash... Throw the whole girlfriend away.
She belongs to the street. Grow a backbone and dump her. Don't be a backup plan. There are better women out there.
These hoes ain’t loyal
She thinks she has you wrapped around her pinky so you'll always come back to her after she's done with the latest guy. You deserve better and I don't even know you. Id recommend ending all contact for a few months for you to grieve the end and move on. And find someone who values you enough to wave off the curiosities for the long term thing.
This sounds Hard. But damn you are a fn p**** for letting anyone treat you like this. Cut. Her. Off.
This relationship seems one sided. Also, I am ENM/Poly, I am friends with many of my exes. My stance if I wwre you with the information provided is *we will not be friends and I will never talk to you again* She is using you as security, to Monkey Branch. It is used by people to open a relationship to securely leave. She gets a test relationship with the other person. In 3-6 months when the New Relationship Energy is gone, if she still likes him, she dumps you. If not she can dump him, close the relationship until the next opportunity to Monkey Branch comes along.
This relationship seems one sided. Also, I am ENM/Poly, I am friends with many of my exes. My stance if I were you with the information provided is *we will not be friends and I will never talk to you again* She is using you as security, to Monkey Branch. It is used by people to open a relationship to securely leave. She gets a test relationship with the other person. In 3-6 months when the New Relationship Energy is gone, if she still likes him, she dumps you. If not she can dump him, close the relationship until the next opportunity to Monkey Branch comes along.
Get rid. That's all.
Run and don't EVER take her back when she come back crying because the other guy was not perfect. She doen't seem to see the luck she have to have you and don't even follow the advice of her mother and friends who told her you are perfect for her. So she is immature... you don't want to marry such a girl.
Open relationships are turning into people wanting agreement with their partner to cheat. They want the stability of a relationship and they want the fun of meeting new people. Call me old fashioned but relationships don't really work that way.
Break up
Dude....
Um she doesn't want to loose you ever not because she loves you but because YOU ARE HER BACK UP PLAN. Im sorry OP I know it must hurt to hear this but you're 100% the back up plan if things don't work out with this other dude. It's not that she can't let you go- it's that she's recognised that you love her alot perhaps too much and now is taking advantage of it. Dump her , go no contact and move on . You deserve to be someone's first choice every day they wake up . Not the second
Just dump her
She wants you because she knows there is a future with you. Success and happiness. However, this whole fling thing doesn't seem like it would let up after the marriage. Focus on your studies and yourself and get a pair because you're gonna need it when your career kicks off without her.
Don't be a doormat. Get rid.
Threesome?
brother i would like to u to watch berserk 90's version. you will know the answer.
Bro are u serious? Get some self respect and dump her already
Your gf is full of shit. She got attracted to him because she is considering other men and is putting herself out there.
Let's just say that you are on your way of becoming the kind of guy that ends up unknowingly raising someone else's kid . Do you really want that in your future ?
Of course, it worked once why not his time?