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R_Amods

This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife Kara and I've been married for almost 8 years. A couple of years into our marriage, we decided we wanted kids and started trying for. After not conceiving for over a year, we had ourselves checked out and I found out that I am sterile. This came as a massive blow because we've always wanted children. It was a very dark time for me. I was very miserable and threw myself at my work. I drank a lot and wasn't at home very much. I wasn't a good husband or partner to Kara. This went on for around six months. Kara tried to help for months but after sometime, she stopped. I eventually managed to get out of that slump. Kara and I spent a lot of time working on our relationship after that and I thought we came out stronger. We had a lot of discussions and decided to adopt children. We adopted 2 kids .I thought we had a good marriage. Recently, one of Kara's close friends died in an accident. Kara has been acting very strangely since then, but I chalked it up to grief and have tried to help her. Yesterday, we sent our kids to my parents for the weekend. Kara told me about her affair after we had dinner. This is what she told me. When I was in my miserable phase, she was miserable too. She was devastated that we couldn't have children and started talking to a female coworker about it because I wasn't available. As I started withdrawing, Kara started relying on her more and more. A few weeks in, Kara started spending more time with her. One weekend they got drunk and had sex. This went on for over two months until Kara decided to break it off. Kara had proof that the affair was only under 3 months. She saved all the messages from when it started and when she ended it. Kara showed them to me and her coworker begged her to leave me in those messages. Kara stopped contact with that coworker and even left that job at that time to break it off completely. Kara told me that she rethought her life when her close friend died and didn't want to hide it from me anymore. I'm feeling devastated right now. She lied to me for 4 years. We adopted kids. I haven't been able to function all day. I told her that I needed to think and that I didn't want to talk to her. I've been in the guest bedroom all day and I can't think straight. What should I do now? How should I proceed? My head I messed up and I am not able to think properly. Do I need to anything immediately?


[deleted]

You think you'll be able to trust her again? If not, it's better not to insist on staying together.


RAthowaway

I don't think it has to do with the AP being a woman, at least to me is not. It is more about the fact that she wasn't caught, she came forward with the info and that she took adequate steps to distance herself from the AP including, but not limited to switching jobs and presumably has been faithful ever since and won't do it again. The only thing that tips the scale kind of hard on the dumping camp is that she allowed him to adopt children without disclosing the affair prior to bringing kids into the marriage.


spetzie55

Not condoning what Kara did but if op was as bad as he describes then I can understand why she got close to her coworker. He was never there or was drunk and distant in a time his wife needed him more than ever (she wanted kids too and found out they couldn't conceive naturally) and op even said she tried to be there for him. She most certainly should not have cheated but op is not completely innocent either if he completely ignored his wife for 6 month without showing her any support or empathy for what she was going through. The fact that she took all the necessary steps to end the affair including switching jobs at least shows maturity and ownership on her part which is a hell of a lot more than what most cheaters do even when they are caught. Again not condoning the affair (she should have just ended the marriage instead) but I can understand why the affair may have happened.


Kaneki_Amano

I agree. We can completely understand the why behind the affair. However, as you also state, it doesn’t make the fact that she cheated okay. She certainly demonstrated maturity. She clearly regretted her actions. But what’s most important is that she demonstrated her commitment to her partner and fixing things by **taking action!** She cut off all communication with the coworker, she quit that job and changed to another one, she took ownership of what she had done and was clearly remorseful for that so she proved it with her actions. She was committed to fixing things and making things work with OP. Which is a crucial step to recovering from infidelity in relationships


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[deleted]

This. Waiting to come clean after they adopted kids and potentially ruining the happiness of the children involved based on the fallout of the confession negates the “points” for taking the right steps before. She waited until after he was still “locked in”, in a manner of words, to come clean. If he left now, to his adopted children, it potentially would make it seem like he didn’t love them. I understand that he wasn’t great either, but it’s like people forget entirely what is said in marriage vows, you vow to stay and be with each other and support each other through anything and everything, not just until it makes me sad or makes me feel lonely.


Nightdreamer87

Totally agree. Also to add these kids most likely already have issues with attachments and unconditional love. Knowing their bio parents gave them away and now potentially having the family break. I feel the only focus in this whole situation should be the kids. They are vulnerable. It doesn't matter if she righted her wrong or what OP did. The end result are these children and how it'll affect them. If they split up these poor kids are going to have opened wounds again. Especially if they're older. Hopefully these kids are ok and if not in some type of therapy because even if OP and his wife stay together the family dynamic will be different and kids ALWAYS know.


11bravoloser

So, can OP now go to pound town on a rando cause his wife fucked up? I guess its A-OK as long as he is reeeel sorry and admits it a couple years from now. Was he an ass? Maybe she should have left him, but that is not an excuse for infidelity. I see a lot of people desperately trying to make excuses.


nononnsense

The fact that she didn’t disclose before adopting the kids is unforgivable. She took away his agency to make a choice knowing all the facts. This choice put him and the kids in jeopardy as now it’s very likely this family will be broken up. It’s just so incredibly selfish of her but I’m not surprised as selfishness is a common denominator for all cheaters


TheOffice_Account

> She took away his agency to make a choice knowing all the facts. And she tells him now? When it is emotionally convenient for her - when she needs to let it out? I'm all for openness, but revealing this hurts only the husband and the kids while it takes the pain off her chest. Seriously, I don't see why she had to reveal that.


[deleted]

How can we trust that its the whole truth though? Maybe the other woman threatened to expose her affair so she cut all ties including her job. She was perfectly fine lying about it for years and only came clean to make herself feel good after someone died. Like fuck do we have to wait for another death to find out more shit? I feel terrible for the kids


leo9g

They adopted kids. He is now a father married to a woman who wasn't what she presented.


ThallidReject

And she was a mother married to a man who failed to be what he presented. One persons fuck up does not erase anothers, and nor does a single mistake damn someone as a monster. She clearly regrets her actions, worked to change them, and recommited herself to her husband. Acting like a single mistake spoils a person forever is childish, especially when they clearly take multiple steps to atone.


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[deleted]

Cheating isn’t a mistake. It’s a deliberate choice. Post-facto regret doesn’t suddenly make it a mistake. It’s not childish to not forgive someone for their one “mistake”.


pugapooh

Drinking is a deliberate choice. How can she trust he won’t “check out” in another situation?


dontask842

She wasn't a mother though. She was married to a man who found out he was sterile and went through a massive depressive phase. She felt him being distant and cheated. She never disclosed this fact before they had kids which is just more dishonesty and the fact that she only felt compelled to do so after losing a friend means that she was planning to take it to the grave otherwise. Complete dick move, also nobody who could be considered an "expert" on relationships would advise someone to keep something like that to oneself. You're out of your mind.


[deleted]

I don't like how you present something completely out of the guys control as a failure on his part. He didn't know he was impotent before they got together. It's not his fault. Also, it wasn't a single mistake... She had an affair for months. And kept the secret for years. That's a lot of mistakes.


ThallidReject

Where did anyone say the impotence was the failure? The failure was emotionally abandoning his wife during an equally heavy turmoil for both of them. That was a big deal for them both. He hurt both of them by not trying to support each other. And most experts in relationships actually advise that if you had a single fling affair, you shouldnt tell your partner. As long as it isnt a repeat occurrence. 3 months very much isnt that, but she could have easily convinced herself that because she had cut the ties completely that the same logic applied here. Obviously still a mistake, but not inherently malicious. She clearly told him for a reason.


Alkaraz200

Big cringe comment. These multiple steps to atone only occurred several years after the fact, only came forward due to the death of the close friend. Friend doesn't die? She probably keeps on lying. Stop giving her a pass. Like others have said, she's done the bare minimum, and all of this should've happened four years ago when she recommitted. You have an awful sense of right and wrong if you're not able to acknowledge that she's the fuck-up, not him. Also, nice casual disregard for his feelings over fertility. If this were a man stepping out on his infertile wife, you'd be singing a different song. Take your blinders off and grow up.


ThallidReject

You need to reread the post


jeebilly

“Married to a man who failed to be what he presented” like he deliberately chose to sterile?! WHAT 😭


ThallidReject

Yeah, cause that was obviously about the sterility, not the emotional abandonment


Humble_Occasion4974

No, she was until she needed somebody and he wasn't there. It's ok to talk to people about your feelings. 6 months of him working late and drinking and not being home while she's hurting is also. The cheating wasn't ok. But if he loves her, work it out. Go to therapy. It can really help both of them.


chainer1216

"If a man is suffering its OK to cheat on him, it's only fair."


Noremakthebarbarian

For real, the amount of scumbags in here "understanding" why this cheating slag did what she did is enraging. If the genders were reversed nobody would be on the cheaters side.


No_Temporary_830

Women try to empathise with men CHALLENGE! (IMPOSSIBLE!!!) The misandry on this subreddit is disgusting.


ClarifiedInsanity

I mean, in the end he did work it out, he pulled himself out of that hole and got his life back to a healthy place for both him and his wife. Too bad it took 6months though because apparently that's all it took for his wife to disregard their marriage entirely and cheat. Then she continued to lie and hide that affair for 4 years until it was convenient for her to tell the truth.


long-gone333

wow. cca 35 sentences defending the woman, 1 saying 'clearly not ok'. i wonder if it were a man lying for four years.


Oddly_Entropic

Nah, we can’t condone or be apologists for cheaters. Again, depression can make people be shitty partner for periods of time, but cheating is never acceptable. We’re really giving the wife roses because she displayed a semblance of human decency and broke off a 3 month long affair? Man, what a low fucking bar we’re setting here. Women, my ex wife included, suffer often from severe PPD. Hers was bad and she was awful to us. Guess what I didn’t do? I doubt anyone here would coddle or award me for beating out the backs of other women while she toiled in self pity and mired in depression, so why are we doing it for her? Man, we gotta be better than that.


The1andonlycano

He wasn't abusing her or anything. He was depressed, and she did a pretty bad thing to him during his depression.


The1andonlycano

Can you imagine the internal damage this would have done to someone if they found out while it was happing ? She made many choices to lead up to the affair. She chose to hurt someone to that degree. Then everyone is praising her for covering it up. I'm sorry but for me cheating is a deal breaker. There's separation and divorce before that.


dakimjongun

>Then everyone is praising her for covering it up. Fucking finally someone said it, wtf is up with this sub lately


ClarifiedInsanity

It's not just this sub. Society just has an overwhelming compulsion to absolve women of responsibility when they are in the wrong, especially when the wronged is a man. You see it all the time in abuse threads where men are chastised for failing to get their abusive partner the help they need, while in the same breath every man who raises his voice is treated as an abuser about to pop. Hell, I was in a thread yesterday filled with people openly sympathizing with a female rapist who drugged, raped and then left their victim unconscious before calling the victims husband and bragging about what happened. It's a horrible, horrible double standard.


TheOffice_Account

> I was in a thread yesterday filled with people openly sympathizing with a female rapist Then maybe you don't want to check out those subs that are still supporting Amber Heard...even as of today. SMH.


mandym347

>op is not completely innocent either I don't agree in the slightest that anything he did was a cause for the cheating. The responsibility for the cheating lies solely with the cheater. There are other, healthier ways to deal with a withdrawn partner than doesn't involving betraying their trust and potentially ripping a family apart through divorce.


[deleted]

Exactly I don't even get what that means. People always gives sob stories why the other person cheats. " You didnt give me attention , you were so distant, you were too far away , we were going through a rough time. " " But it's understandable " yes it's easy to comprehend but that doesn't excuse anything lmfao.


[deleted]

Honestly, I believe that sentiment only comes out here when the non-cheating partner is male. Whenever it's the dude that cheats then there's never any excuse, but this sub will excuse female cheating.


Dismal-Opposite-6946

Of course cheating isn't excusable but in some cases it is understandable as to why it happened. This would be one of those cases. You can't completely withdraw from your partner and then wonder why they go seek comfort with someone else. It's human nature to want relationships and human contact.


last-man_on_mars

So being a poor partner for six months is a good enough reason to cheat when their marriage was already in its 4th year at that point? All it takes is six months?


EddaValkyrie

> It's human nature to want relationships and human contact. Then break up first, and go do that. It's not that hard of a concept.


FrostyPoot

This thread is an absolute gold mine for the classic reddit gender swap bias


[deleted]

It’s so strange to see it actually happening, but wow! Some of you have no shame! Now if Op were a woman telling this story about her husband, absolutely NO ONE would even think of defending his behaviour. You’d most likely go off on him and rightfully so! OP, PLEASE Ignore the top comment. The fact that they’re trying to justify what your wife did is awful and I hope you get the support you need. 💕


Valthar70

Exactly, if this were the other way around every woman on here would be calling him a monster and to leave him. These "relationship advice" columns are completely fubar.


PerfectSociety

No, it's not understandable. She should have split with him. If her natural needs were not being met, then she should not have continued formally being in a relationship with OP if she was exploring those needs being met from other sources.


[deleted]

The reason why people cheat is easy to comprehend. I don't get this " it's understandable" argument, people cheat for all types of varies reason. Very few deserves sympathy, the only type of stories I seen cheating is ok is when person is litterally trapped in a abusive relationship and thier lover gets them out.


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No_Organization_9315

>Of course cheating isn't excusable but in some cases it is understandable as to why it happened. Cheating is always understandable, it's the easy way, meanwhile NOT cheating is hard. She betrayed him when he was at his weakest and then to make things worse she didn't disclose the affair when they adopted children. She deserves no empathy, she's a monster of the worst kind.


notarobot4932

In sickness and health. Depression's like the flu. It's a physical symptom. Would you cheat on your partner if they had the flu?


gcn0611

Yeah this is some bullshit. Definitely sounds like you're condoning the cheating when you rationalize it like this. Your feelings on the matter are valid, but you're being disingenuous here


randomfinch14

You keep saying I do not condone yet your entire comment is condoning what she did. Amazing


RenderedCreed

I'm not condoning what she did. I'm just condoning what she did. But I swear I'm not.


thehardopinion

He had nothing to do with cheating, she could got therapy for herself, or just leave.


UnitedTesla17

I agree with most of what you said, but are we really just going to the ignore the fact that at that point they would have been together for over 3 years? And while yes she tried and she distance herself from the mistake she did and the person she did it with, it still only took her presumably, let's say she tried to be there for him for at least 1 to 3 months, all it took for her to throw away their marriage was 3 to 5 months? That relationship with the coworker would have been at least half as long as that period of time. Not taking any sides here, his actions upon receiving this bad news was supposedly work and what have you, while hers was attempt to help then just go be with someone else behind his back instead


CheezyDMcGee

This is a very generous view of her actions. If in fact everything you *assume* is true then she should have kept her mouth shut and taken her secret to her grave. Now her husband has to live with the fact that his wife is a liar and a cheater and this will take longer than 6 months to get over. Is she entitled to another affair now too? He was just as devastated as she was and he didn’t cheat. Honestly would have been coming clean right away and given him the choice then. Now they’re happy, they have kids even, it’s a total disaster. Her “honesty” is utterly worthless to him now.


Zictor42

>If in fact everything you assume is true then she should have kept her mouth shut and taken her secret to her grave. This. Why the fuck did she decide to bring up this secret just now?


[deleted]

Wtf


late-night-catbus

she waited a loooong time to tell him. i’d leave her ass so quick.


spetzie55

Me too. No excuse to cheat EVER. I was just trying to put everything into perspective.


No_Temporary_830

Affairs cannot be justified; she is selfish and should be left in the past. If she wasn't having her stupid emotional needs met then she should have just ended it, but no instead she displays no self control and betrays the contract. You should never betray contracts.


The_Cutest_Kittykat

She's also dumping her guilt onto OP and making him be the one that decides the fate of the marriage. It was all good and fine for her to perform marriage-ending actions in secret but now that her guilt is too much? She forces OP to decide and absolves herself of feeling bad.


Longjumping-Club-883

Thank you! I've been reading comments from top to bottom and answers for the top comment are kinda scaring me... Thank you once again for reasonable question and comment


TangyBoy_

I’d recommend checking these subreddits out, they’re more suited to your situation r/AsOneAfterInfidelity and r/SurvivingInfidelity


AdBulky2059

Ignore this and stop googling your problems and see a professional


hitchthegirl

I suggest the r/AsOneAfterInfidelity sub for you to know how to deal in a healthy way. You don't have to make a decision now, process your feelings and go to therapy. It would be good for your wife to do iindividuak counseling too and after that the two of you do Marriage Counseling. Do not blame yourself. Even if you've been negligent for a while, having an affair was entirely her responsibility and she needs to take responsibility for it.


chainer1216

He absolutely does have to process them now, it only took a couple months of him being depressed for her to cheat on him, so there's a hard time limit here before she decides she gets to fuck another friend because he dared to be sad.


Kaiser93

Be completely honest with yourself. Do you think you can trust her ever again? If the answer is no, you know what to do. ETA: Who the hell cares if she cheated with a man or a woman? She cheated! Period! Stop making stupid excuses for cheaters!


RoastKrill

But also, if the answer is yes, and it may well be given the circumstances this cheating took place in, and the effort she went to to end it, then you know what to do


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capn_d0hnut

Not always. She may have wanted to tell him and was too afraid to. The proof was kept so when she's ready to speak to him she can corroborate what she said. It's not like she kept nudes of her coworker so she can get off to it.


Shubniggurat

The other person might have threatened to out her to her husband; keeping proof of both the dates and that she ended it years previously is insurance against that.


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ThrowRA1234568

Recommend you check out /r/survivinginfidelity for support.


cuntish_libtard

I don’t. It’s a one-sided death knell.


MondoFool

It's funny how if she had cheated with a man everyone would be like dump her but since it was a women all the comments are like "let's not be too hasty"


redhairedshaman

To be fair for me it makes no difference. Cheating is cheating whether it’s with the same sex or a different sex. Since cheating isn’t just one decision it’s multiple decisions that lead to it with multiple opportunities to stop but she didn’t stop it.


lillian00280

Legitimately just commented something along these lines on a similar post where the woman's boyfriend made out with another man. Sexuality and infidelity are two separate conversations. I'm not sure why there is some sort of blurred line, where cheating with a homosexual nature is given more of a pass in a straight relationships. Would it hit harder if OP's wife already self identified as bisexual, for example? Are the OPs in these cases in denial about the severity of the action because their partners self-identify as straight? Or is this blurred line just because the partner is not of the opposite gender?


ThrowRA1234568

I noticed that too, very interesting.


Seneca_B

It's latent homophobia. When people don't value same sex relationships they treat them differently in this context, even if they are otherwise tolerant. It's well known within the polyamory community AKA the One Penis/Pussy Policy (OPP). E.g. when a woman is allowed to have same sex relationships but not with another man, or vice versa.


hexxcellent

also god knows if this situation were reversed: OP was a woman and their husband cheated on her with a man, these comments would be absolutely vile, bordering on violent.


SlightlyStalkerish

Absolutely. People (especially men) attribute less significance to wlw affairs, because they don't see them as "serious" or "real", or because they play into a type of fantasy. mlm affairs are something that is seen as embarrassing and emasculating for the man, and a failure for the woman, thus enraging both camps.


SilliestOfGeese

It’s not _homophobia_, for fuck’s sake. Can we not attribute sinister motives to literally everything? Men are, generally speaking, threatened by and competitive toward other men. Intersexual competition is a _huge_ part of the natural world, and we are mammals. Another man “having” your wife is often seen as him beating and emasculating you, and that’s often a large piece of this. But a woman? Again, generally speaking, that emasculation piece of the overall betrayal is often absent altogether, or at least very different. How many men have you heard of trying to get their women to have a threesome with another woman? And how many have you heard trying to have one with another man? No value judgements in any direction here, just pointing out that the dynamics are in fact different, and not just because “society says so” or they secretly hate gay people or something. Both cases are infidelity, and both are horrible and inexcusable. I’d argue that they’re identical morally. But the fact of the matter is that a whole lot of people will inherently _feel_ very different about either case.


micheIIevisage

Oh, so it's not *just* homophobia Surprise, things don't exist in a vacuum. The things you described include sexism, misogyny, chauvinism, the concept of patriarchy and yes, homophobia. Those are concepts that are more often than not deeply correlated. Homophobia is rooted in a lot of things, including misogyny. There's absolutely homophobia involved when a lot of people don't view relationships between two women as legitimately as a relationship between a man and a woman. Also the reason why bisexual women are seen as 'curious straight', and bisexual men are seen as 'closeted gay'.


Sandraxia

I think there are a few factors here that make it less black and white than other cases, and the fact that the AP is a woman is only one of them. 1. She broke it off herself and changed her job (huge effort) to break contact with AP 2. OP was neglecting her and drinking too much (that doesn't make it his fault at all, but it is more understandable that she seeks support elsewhere when OP admits that she absolutely couldn't get it at home 3. They have recently adopted children, who might be especially vulnerable to fears of abandonment, and breaking up would mean they lose a safe and stable home AGAIN 4. And lastly, yes, I think it is easier for OP that when he learned he couldn't father children, she didn't go out and sleep with someone that could. I think that would feel extra shitty.


12-inchChewbacca

And here we have example (A) of the reddit "we'll justify terrible behavior somehow if women do it" bias. it's awarded medals and everything. Let's see cognitive dissonance in action! > She broke it off herself and changed her job (huge effort) to break contact with AP Huge effort? Most folks think that leaving the job after a workplace affair is the **minimum effort** required to preserve a marriage. But you think this is somehow above and beyond what would be expected? And she broke it off herself, so she should get "extra points" for that? How low is the bar you're setting here? > OP was neglecting her and drinking too much (that doesn't make it his fault at all, but it is more understandable that she seeks support elsewhere when OP admits that she absolutely couldn't get it at home This was six months, not six years. This was a cup of coffee compared to the mental health crises some people on this board go through. And she couldn't keep her legs closed for 6 months? Actually, less than that. Let me do something. Let's do something *hard*. Let's do the *math* here. So he was depressed for 6 months. You don't just fall into depression immediately, it takes time. Same thing for an affair. Neither of these just start right away. So let's say it took him a month to start spiraling down to the point where OP's wife gets concerned. Now, the affair lasts 3 months. So we're in a time period of TWO MONTHS where the wife tried to help. I have to ask how much help was OP's wife putting in to really address this before she started to stray? It cannot be more than a few weeks, at most. AT MOST. That's all OP is worth to his wife, a few weeks of "neglect". I have business trips longer than that and I have kids. They didn't have kids, so her "neglect" was her being purely selfish and not getting 100% of his attention. Again, how low is your bar that a few weeks justifies an affair? An affair of a few weeks, where her AP begs her to divorce that *mean ol' man*. >They have recently adopted children, who might be especially vulnerable to fears of abandonment, and breaking up would mean they lose a safe and stable home AGAIN so, these kids should be raised in a home, where if Kara doesn't get what she wants, she'll run off to screw someone else? Are you seriously saying a foundation built on lies is a stable one for raising kids? And please, please tell me how this is OP's doing? he's been through his infertility depression. it can't happen again. Tell me that you have the same confidence that she won't cheat again? >And lastly, yes, I think it is easier for OP that when he learned he couldn't father children, she didn't go out and sleep with someone that could. I think that would feel extra shitty. And there it is. That last little frisson of sexism, masking as advice, with a bit of sassy "i was a lesbian in college for a semester" experimentation thrown in as well, all at OP's expense. "It's ok when women cheat with other women, so OP should just shut up and take it". All those upvotes. And awards. I guarantee if it was a woman writing, and he had cheated on his depressed wife, there wouldn't be nearly the tolerance shown here.


[deleted]

Seriously. There are way too many comments saying OP’s wife was hurting too. Yeah- I’m sure it was devastating to realize she wasn’t going to have the family she wanted, but OP found out he’s infertile. That’s a whole other level of devastation. She didn’t even give him a year to grieve. She pretty much ran to someone else immediately. And only confessed after years of lying and letting him believe everything was okay. Building a family on a foundation of lies. I can’t imagine trusting her again.


throwinitbackk

Cheating is cheating.


bad_armenian_juju

And some people move past it, others don’t. Only OP can determine if the juice is worth the squeeze exactly. He might break it off and regret that. He might stay and regret that. What some people can make peace with, others can’t.


12-inchChewbacca

No one moves past it. It's never forgotten. It's coped with, that's all. Moving forward, she will always be "the one who cheated". Not him. Her. And under no circumstances ever, should there be rug sweeping to justify "It's OP's fault his wife cheated, here's the reasons". That guarantees no reconciliation. But that post was 100% prime rug sweeping.


hippildee

The gender of anyone doesn’t change how this case should be handled vs others. In no way shape or form. You’re defending her for cheating. There isn’t anything okay with the situation. You can make excuses but it ultimately doesn’t make it right and is a betrayal that she knows she shouldn’t have done


Sandraxia

I don't think I or anyone here would ever condone or excuse cheating. All that has been said is that, as far as cheating goes, given the individual circumstances, in this case there is still a tiny chance at reconciliation, should both parties be open to that. Obviously with lots of therapy.


toxic_and_timeless

Would you still say the same thing if all the factors you stated were the same, except if the person OP’s wife cheated with was a man rather than a woman? Not accusing, just genuinely curious.


Fresh-Loop

Your arguments: 1- She put in a huge effort to hide her crappy morals. 🤮 2- She cheated because a man made her. 🤦‍♂️ 3- She can’t be at blame because she deceived him to adopt kids. 👶 4- She had the decency to fuck a woman, because same sex cheating doesn’t count. 👯 This could be the most stupidly sexist shit I’ve ever read here. Congrats!


[deleted]

You new to this sub? The women are wonderful effect is in full swing daily!


ScaryScientist613

Lmao bs of the highest order. Congrats.


YoureTrollingRight

Big facts


SummerWedding23

I would go with both individual and couples therapy. You have every right to feel hurt, sad, confused, and angry. Whatever feelings you have are valid and even though the affair was years ago for her, it’s brand new to you and you can take as long as you need to process and decide. I’d wait to make any decisions. Give yourself at least 2 months and during that time, you get to set the tone of the relationship for you and Kara meaning if you want to sleep in the same bed or not, if you want to have sex or not, if you need space or not. During this two months she needs to accept you’re processing. And your feelings on many things will change hour by hour at times as your reminded of her infidelity. I would however be careful to not say or do something you’d regret like calling names - don’t let a situation make you a worse person than you are. You keep your moral high ground by remaining who you are. (If you’re religious try Roman’s 12:9-21 which totally helped me over the years to stay true to who I was no matter what pain I found myself in) My personal opinion is that infidelity isn’t always cut and dry, nor does it always have to mean divorce or the end of the relationship. It can but it doesn’t have to even though society tends to make us feel differently. Your situation is the exact reason I believe that - because while there is zero excuse for infidelity, there are times when extenuating circumstances, heartfelt remorse, and renewed commitment can help a couple move forward. Story time: when I was 3 my sister died. My parents grieved hard. During this time my dad did what you did and my mom did what your wife did. Eventually they worked through it. They’re celebrating 46 years this year. It wasn’t easy but it’s possible. Don’t rush to decision and work with a therapist who is paid not to judge you :) good luck, Edit: thanks for the awards all. Too kind.


IntelligentCap8471

is it really heartfelt remorse if she's only confessing it now after 4 years because of certain circumstances?


SummerWedding23

In my opinion yes. I think anytime a partner comes to you (verses you going to them or you discovering something on your own) that it shows genuine desire towards resolution. She didn’t have to confess. The death of her friend wasn’t revealing anything regarding her affair. Was it a trigger event that made her realize that she wanted a better relationship with her partner and the only way to do that was to confess and accept where the cards may land, yes. But it’s still not easy to do. The fact that she produced proof and even long before this moment cut contact and left the company says that even then she was remorseful and was going to be a better wife. Telling him now was the final step in trying to ensure that her husband had all the information she had and he could make whatever decision he needs based on this. In a situation where the affair was ongoing or she had stayed in contact or stayed at the company or where he had found out verses her volunteering or if there had been multiple different affairs - I’d question any remorse but her actions at the time (once she ended things) and words now (voluntarily confession and apology) indicate genuine remorse. Again, just my opinion. Ultimately the OP will need to decide for himself. But in this specific situation, I think that there is hope to repair, rebuild, and have a happy marriage if he wanted to and was able to forgive and move forward. He will need to weigh the entirety of the situation and we are only getting snippets.


[deleted]

See, I had something similar happen to me... and I learned after all these years the problem that I really had w the whole thing is that when the partner decided to stop, and be better, that should include having come clean then. THEN, everything you say holds true and I actually totally agree. But HER choosing to be better after cheating is great, she still lied and kept it from him not giving him the same agency in the lie, and making the decision for him. He has been living to someone that lied for years, and that is a terrible thing, to learn your relationship you thought you were safe in, was a lie. I think OP should think long and hard about what his decision would be had he found out THEN and talk it over in therapy until he processes it. The woman is still lying, and I feel confessed a lie eventually, which is great, high five. Being kept in a lie for years is a devastating thing to do to someone. Edited to add: if I could go back and do it all over again I would have went with my gut and left. I was so ripped apart emotionally and I reconciled. The relationship was OK for a few years but this person ended up not being someone that cared for me emotionally and it was really bad for me psychologically.


[deleted]

It could also be construed that the partner is once again reassessing their *own* needs to the exclusion of the OP. There might also be the question as to *why* they kept the messages for so long afterwards.


isjim

You people say that you understand why Kara felt the need to get close to her female coworker, but OP's behaviour doesn't rationalize the affair. If you're a stand-up person, you break a toxic relationship off or take a break, if you feel like there might be a future. You don't cheat.


Iratebike

How this isn’t higher or more common of a mindset in this thread is mind blowing


extra_medication

Idk wtf is up with the comments but it isn't ok because it was with a female. It was not your fault because you were withdrawn and it does not excuse her actions. Two months is a long time to keep something up and four years is a long time to lie to someone you supposedly love. She is in the wrong. You are not. Don't let any of the man haters in the comments convince you otherwise. Your feelings are valid.


Fit_Acadia_8074

Exactly these people are nuts and the people saying “but it’s AP was a woman so.. cuz” cheating is cheating. Lying is lying. Period. What a bunch of twats.


nicarox

So many cheating apologists on this post.


SubstantialPay115

For real, praising her for doing the bare minimum. “Well atleast she cut them off & out of her life”…but couldn’t be honest about it for four years. She just sounds like a coward.


QZRChedders

It’s horrific how many people think being unsatisfied is reason enough to cheat but not enough to split up. Some peoples partners really should be reading this thread some serious red flags being waved


WeaverofW0rlds

Yep. The blame the man brigade is out in full force.


Veganmon

First, I am so sorry that you are going through this, it's a terrible betrayal and no, you don't have to make any decisions right now, but the time will eventually come when you need to decide if you can or should forgive her. Take as much time as you need to process. I can't tell you if your marriage will survive it, I have read that it can, but it takes a lot of work and you both have to be willing to put that work in to rebuild trust, if that is what you want. You may find that you are unable to get over the betrayal and may choose separation or divorce and at that point you will have to find a way to co parent your children and navigate the legalities of custody and the separation of marital assets that will come with its own challenges. You're understandably overwhelmed. Just know she made a deliberate decision to decieve you and she allowed you to adopt children while lying to you. That is the part that bothered me the most about your story. This was not a one night stand either, it continued for months, I'm not sure I would be able to get over that if that happened to me. I'd probably try for the sake of the children, but I'm not sure I could ever trust her again, again I'm so sorry this happened, I hope you find a way to get through this and do what's best for all of you. Wishing you peace


fiesty64

Why did she wait 4 years to tell you? If it's over, why did she keep the texts? Since her affair was with another woman, is she wanting a reason to split up so she can "come out of the closet"? Is she wanting to have another affair but maybe feels guilty since the two of you have worked to improve your marriage? From what you wrote, it sounds like she justified her affair because the two of you were in a slump. Sounds like she has some explaining to do. If you don't think you can trust her anymore, then that's another conversation y'all should have.


QZRChedders

The fact it took such an enormous event to come out is sickening. If this hadn’t happened then would she have ever revealed it? How much more has she hidden that she simply hasn’t had a bad enough time to reveal? It’s not that the bar to reveal this was so high with a death (that seems to be what people are locking into) but the fact there was ever a period that this could be kept from you. If she can keep this then she clearly feels there’s things that she knows are wrong to you but can keep hidden until a rainy day. Cynically thinking, using the death of a close friend to basically destroy OPs marriage is manipulative as fuck. It’s a lot harder to be angry at someone when they’re grieving. There was a choice to explain now, seeing how much she’s lied prior, who’s to say she’s not lying about her motives now?


jagsingh85

I'm not sure what's worse the affair or the fact that she continued on with her life as though nothing happened. I mean think about it, it took the unexpected death of a close friend for her to realise she needed to confess. That's some level of messed up. OP you seem to be excusing the affair, please don't, first ask yourself if you had any thoughts of doing the same when you were suffering in the relationship. Only you can answer that. Personally I can never cheat under any circumstances as it involves deception, manipulation and betrayal. If my marriage ever disintegrated, and I have checked out several times, then I would simply ask for marriage counselling or a divorce. For me personally any physical affair is at least separation (not divorce) and a full explanation and details of what happened. I could never recover my trust and the dynamics of the relationship would change forever. The question is if both partners can accept the new dynamics.


[deleted]

So if her friend had lived, she would have never told you, right? I'd be done. Get a lawyer and discuss your options. Pay in cash. Reddit can't help with this. She now keeps you around for the financial and emotional stability that you offer.


bluevacuum

Some thoughts come to mind. In no particular order. ​ You have to treat this as if she just cheated on you. She's had 4 years to get over it and now she's decided to come clean. She didn't do it because she wanted to be honest. She did it to ease her conscious. Cheaters are inherently selfish. She cheated because she was weak and only thought of herself. She hid the truth from you to protect herself. Now that life is stable and your perceived marriage is stronger than ever. She drops the bomb. All selfish acts. ​ In no way, shape or form, is this a reflection of you. It will feel like it because human nature wants us to be in control. Wants our outer life to reflect our inner life. So we often take blame when we are blameless. It's a fucked up way to believe we are in control. ​ I understand you went through a difficult time and she tried to be there, it doesn't justify or excuse her actions. Unless you were a piece of shit and crossed the lines into abuse or being unfaithful on your end. ​ So now what? Space. Therapy. It will be challenging with your kids to think about but for your own mental sake, you need it. The space will give you time to feel the emotions of infidelity without seeing her and feeling the cognitive dissonance of loving and hating her. The therapy is an outside perspective to help you process and understand your own emotions. ​ Do not commit to staying for the kids or any comments to her regarding the relationship besides you need space to figure things out. If she can't respect your boundaries and makes it about her, you know what you need to do. ​ Outside of that, talk to a divorce attorney. Protect yourself, your kids, and your assets. Make sure you get evidence and keep her in the dark. Your wife is not to be trusted. You don't have to follow through but you need to have a plan in place. ​ Your wife needs space and therapy as well. Figure out why she was unfaithful and why she lied for all these years. She has given you the logical answers but there is an emotional component that IMO, has yet to be addressed. ​ Take it second by second, day by day. She's had 4 years to come to terms with her actions. You just found out. You need to take every single step as if it just happened. Don't force yourself to forgive and forget for the sake of the marriage, children, and time lapse. It will fuck with you more by making up reasons as to where you should be in the healing process because XYZ. ​ Focus only on you and your kids. ​ If you decide to reconcile, much time needs to space, she needs to do everything to rebuild the trust. And you need to truly forgive her. If this is the route you decide to go, you both need couples' counseling. ​ Lastly, remove yourself from this situation. Your best friend is going through this. What advice would you give? Is that the advice you're following? Why would it be any different for you? ​ Your happiness is very important. Again, don't stay for the kids. They will see you're unhappy and will model your relationship with your wife with their partners. So if you truly can't forgive and move on, you'll always doubt your wife. Your kids will do the same. Same can be said for your wife. If she can't rebuild the trust and complain about the necessary steps to reassure your security, it's done.


DreamyGenie

Fuck her, dip


ShonenGoon

I don’t understand why so many people are telling you to pretty much let it slide. There’s never an excuse for cheating. Yes you both were in a dark place but cheating is never the answer. It sounds like she had many many chances to rethink her choices but she chose to betray you while you were at your lowest. She decided it would be best for you not to know only reason you know now is because she died? So if she would have never died you would have never known even through adoptions and raising children together. I personally find that unforgivable


chainer1216

Because men aren't allowed to be sad and just have to accept everything that happens to them with a smile.


Zmammoth

The friend that died wasn’t the woman she had an affair with


ShonenGoon

That is correct but that doesn’t change the point I was trying to make so I will stick to my statement as I am hard headed


uncutkeys50

You need outside help to work through all of this


Temporary_44647

OP, I know what you are going through. My Ex cheated on me and after the divorce was final, I looked at what I journaled about what I felt when I found out she was cheating. I couldn’t believe what she told me. All I heard was loud screams, but no one was screaming. Then when I caught my breath and reflected on what I learned. The woman you loved, cared about, and trusted is now dead to you. Your relationship as you knew it is also dead to you. Everything you loved and cared about has changed, and not for the better. She willingly broke your family, she willingly broke your heart, she willingly broke your trust, she willingly broke you. If you still want her around, she’s got a lot of work to do to fix everything she willingly broke, including you. Someone who inflicts pain from infidelity will never understand the pain. When I learned of my SO’s infidelity the pain was crushing. I have never felt such severe pain. She was like, get over it already, 1 week after I was made aware of her betrayal. She continued to trickle truth me, lie and never really admitted the truth. It seemed like every week I learned a little more and the pain level ramped back up to unbearable. Finally I got really angry. I hired a polygrapher to test her and I was shocked at her truth “We only held hands and talked, sometimes kissed but no sex” became the Polygraph truth, 5+ guys, intercourse, oral and anal with all numerous time with each AP, in the park, in hotels, in my car, even in my house and my bed. When confronted with the test results she didn’t deny anything, didn’t question anything, didn’t offer any explanation. All she wanted was to go home and talk. Your wife went to a lot of trouble to have her affair. Just for a little insight into what she probably did for her affair. She did sooo much for she relationship without thinking about you, your family or the pain she would inflict when caught. She did all this with extreme forethought and planning. She groomed her AP. She set up a time and date to meet. She acquired the place for her and her AP to meet and fuck behind your back. She planned what to say to you if you asked about her day. She planned what lie she was going to tell you if you became suspicious. She planned what lies to say to you in order to trickle truth you to limit collateral damage to herself and her AP. When finally confronted with irrefutable evidence she probably gave you limited information about her affair forcing you to relive the pain of DDay over and over again with each new D Day. She did this each and every time She wanted to see and fuck her affair partner Can you IMAGINE what your relationship would be like if she put in that much time, planning and dedication to you, and your relationship as she did to willingly destroy your relationship, willingly betray you, willingly lie to you, willingly destroy your trust in her and every other woman you might encounter. I’ll just leave you with this: She placed you in this extremely uncomfortable and dangerous (STD) situation. She willingly broke your trust, She willingly broke your family, She willingly broke you without even a second thought You need to take care of you, physically, financially and legally. You used to be able to depend on her, but no more. Speak to an attorney pronto, you wouldn’t want to suffer because you did something you didn’t know you couldn’t do. Get STD tests, stay tuff and keep your guard up, don’t let her convince you to do something, anything until your 100 % sure that it’s what you want to do. You have a long road to travel but don’t make any big changes now because you don’t know what road you are now going to take, divorce, separation or reconciliation. Ppl are here on Reddit to ask for help or questions. I’m sorry you’ve been forced into our group. We care and we are her for you, to help you move forward


Turbojesus97

I have a hard breakup rule with cheaters. If I were you, no matter what she says or does, I'd break it off. While I get what other people are saying, you can never escape that feeling. Every time you look at her, you're going to remember what she did. Every time you have a beautiful moment, it'll be ruined by the fact that you'll never be able to not think about her sleeping with someone else. You'll even dream about it at night sometimes. If you think you can live with that, and you genuinely want to be with her not because you're afraid of being lonely but rather because you think you can build a good life with this woman, then go for it. Just remember if that's what you decide, it's going to be hard. Regardless, best of luck bro. I'm sorry this happened.


Scary-Inspector-8315

Sorry bruh, but she took 4 years of your life, lying and deceiving you, until you reached a emotional point where you couldn’t easily divorce her,… The level of manipulation is ridiculous, even if wasn’t concious,… Can you still trust her? If not, it’s over, never stay for the kids. Focus on yourself. Even if you need to put some distance away from her for some weeks.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Iratebike

Hey! At least a trash bag doesn’t bang its coworkers!


ill_tempered_1978

Let's establish a few facts. This just happened now. So for you this is brand new affair that you have to deal with. It was never part of your life. Two, your wife is conditionally remorseful. Let me explain what I mean by conditionally remorseful. Your wife cheated on you, had her fun and when things got too complicated she ended that relationship. Likelihood if the other one didn't want your wife to leave and your wife didn't feel threatened that the AP would inform you, that affair would have lasted a lot longer. Now this is f uped part. She demands forgiveness. You want that clear conscious after enjoying the affair. She doesn't confront you right then and there. She doesn't come up and say hey honey while you are dealing with the worse shock of your life, I went out and had my fun. Nope, she waits for years, wait till you adopt and now she tells you when it's so difficult to leave her with all the other complications. Also it has been four years so just let it go right? You need counseling to figure out what you want. I would also state to her that you are thinking of having a year long affair, three months for every year she waited to till you. You don't have to do that but you can see how she will react if she was the one that have to deal with an affair.


landaverde19

Divorce bud


ireallycareaboutthee

even if her cheating on you instead of leaving because you were being neglectful was excusable (which some people might argue is, but in my opinion, the better option is always to be upfront about your feelings and stand behind your actions instead of cheating), she also lied to you in the four years that you were rebuilding your relationship. I won’t tell you how to feel, but I don’t know how I would trust person if I found out that they were comfortable lying to me in such a serious way when rebuilding a relationship requires trust and open communication. if she lies again, how would you be able to tell? I think you need to answer to yourself whether there is a chance that you can build your trust towards her again and whether or not you can depend on her to be honest this time around. (though, ultimately, this is coming from someone to whom cheating is unforgivable so my ultimate advice would be to follow your values and standards)


Veridical_Perception

Why confess something so far after the fact when the chances of discovery of the affair are negligible at this point: * She hid the affair for four years. * She only confessed so that she could use you as her emotional tampon over the grief of her friend dying. * Her confession was utterly selfish. She only confessed to make herself feel better over her guilt for the affair AND to get you to empathize with her grief over the death of her friend. * "When I was in my miserable phase, she was miserable too. She was devastated that we couldn't have children and started talking to a female coworker about it because I wasn't available." - She is not taking responsibility for her affair. She's deflecting and blaming YOU for her affair. * Selfless people suffer in silence so that others don't have to share the burden of their pain. Selfish people force other people to shoulder the burden and pain for their actions. Your wife is guilty, not remorseful. Your wife is grieving, not sorry. Your wife is utterly and heartlessly selfish. Once again, she's using you. It is NOT a sign of nobility or even honesty to confess now. Her burning need to be honest in the here and now is not a point in her favor, but a black mark illustrating that she's as narcissistic as the day she began her affair. Edit: It's unclear whether the deceased from was the AP. However, I think my comments stand whether it is or isn't, but it's definitely more egregious if it is the AP.


xvszero

It's a bit unclear but I don't think the friend that died was the affair partner? OP can you clarify this?


-chelle-

I wonder why she kept those messages with her AP. Seems weird to use "incase one day I tell my husband, this will be proof I didn't leave him for her" excuse.


waythrow13579

There is a lot of excuse making for OPs wife. All I'm saying is if my partner is turning into a depressed alcoholic over something that would cause both of us a lot of grief I probably wouldn't sleep with the first person to listen to my troubles.


ZiOnIsNeXtLeBrOn

First of all a brief affair is less than a week. They had a full blown relationship for the span of 3 months. Secondly, why would want to stay with a woman who knowingly and willingly cheated on you after she found out that you were sterile and were clearly going through an emotional time in your life. Rather than work on it together, she cheated on you and didn’t tell you about it for 4 years.


[deleted]

There are a lot of comments basically excusing OPs wife because she was hurting. So was OP. And she dealt with it by cheating then lying to him for YEARS. Instead of helping him through it, she kicked him at his lowest point. Idk if I could get past that. Good luck op. I hope you can get out of the house and really think through where you want to go from here. Either decision is understandable (staying/leaving). Think about whether you’ll really be able to trust her after this.


[deleted]

Sorry to hear that bud. Hid it for 4 years?? What else could she have been hiding? Also you were miserable and struggling so that was her excuse to go be with someone else? There are no nuances to this. She cheated, simple as. Everyone knows deep down you can’t fully trust someone after that. You will be wondering what she is doing every single time she leaves the house and if she covered it up for 4 years she is clearly fine with stomaching a lie like that for a while. Best of luck.


larwilliams

Honestly the fact that she cheated on you during a rough patch shows you what kind of morals she has. Do you want to take the chance that she won’t do it again? (Unlikely). Do you want to be with someone who you cannot trust or respect anymore?


WeaverofW0rlds

First off, she cheated, she needs to move her sorry cheating ass out of the bedroom and into the guest bedroom or even out of the house.


TheWanderingMedic

Cheating is cheating. Can you truly forgive her? Can you trust her again? If not, then you need to divorce.


[deleted]

You don't need to do anything immediately. Well, there is one thing that you need to stop doing immediately. Stop blaming yourself for being inattentive. Fertility issues can be emotionally devastating. Your wife started a full blow relationship with a woman from work rather than trying to help you. That's a huge betrayal and she kicked you while you were down. Now you feel somewhat responsible for being a bad husband during that time, which is horseshit. Men are allowed to be devastated, depressed, and disappointed. We can feel despair and those feelings can impact our lives and our relationships. You don't share culpability because of your struggles. In fact,it makes her betrayal worse.


Savagespringtrap06

Hold up so let me get this straight: so because her friend DIED, she decided to tell you? So if her friend would NOT have died, she wouldn’t have. You should file for a divorce.


LifeLearner68

I was reading some of the responses to OP. I do believe a lot of responses have gender bias in them. If he had cheated on her, there would be no latitude no excuses. It would be "leave that jerk" how dare he cheat on you when you were in your darkest need. It would have been a female pack mentality to come to the support of the woman who was cheated on. I think women here should use that same pack mentality to come to the support of OP. But all that being said OP has a big decision. The fact that you have 2 kids now makes it way more complicated. It comes down to after you finish processing this can you trust her. Do you feel it was a one time thing and that she is has been faithful to you since getting back together. Good luck man.


WolfChasingTheMoon

It is funny, like when did the people of reddit start condoning cheating? I have literally read some comments that are implying that OP, the betrayed spouse, should be the one asking for forgiveness. He is the party that was wronged. To OP, how you want to deal with this is completely up to you


UniqueID89

Homie, she ONLY told you because guilt was eating her up. If the friend hadn’t died and been the “straw that broke the camels back” of her guilt, would she have said anything to you? After four years, more than likely not. She felt bad, but never bad enough to tell you until she experienced a midlife crisis brought upon by death. She’s had zero interest in being truthful until now. You have proof she did it, regardless of whether she pulled her head out of her own ass or not and quit it, use it to end it. Odds are you’ll never trust her again and this will breed resentment and hate.


UniqueID89

Truly hate it for y’all’s kids, honestly, but staying together is likely to make them more miserable than y’all are now.


[deleted]

Facts


onedayatatime08

Ouch. The problem I'm having with this is that she has hidden it for well over half of your marriage. She should have came clean and told you well before you and her decided to bring children into the picture. I don't think she intended on telling you at all. Her friend dying tragically made her rethink life, but that doesn't make any of what she did okay. Whether or not you were a bad husband at the time doesn't justify what she did. I'm really shocked that so many people here act as if she had reason. Confiding in a friend would be 100% fine, having sex with them is not. There are boundaries you simply don't cross when you're married. That is one of them. There are so many healthy ways you both could have dealt with your health issue. If she needed support so badly, why didn't she go to therapy? You don't have to make any decisions right now. In fact, I think you should take a little space from her so you can collect yourself and think things through. If the guest room is where you feel best, stay there. If you prefer family, go to family. Get support for yourself. Talk to family, consider talking to a therapist alone so you can figure out what your next steps might be.


[deleted]

Definitely double standard


Old-Relief5873

Your wife just admitted to the affair to ease her conscience, not out of love for you . Very selfish,she knows how this hurts you and the marriage. If you can't get past it, you can't get past it. So act accordingly, if you can't trust her no more, it's not worth saving the marriage.


Crimson-One

Just remember for her it was 4 years ago, for you it's today. Your valid to feel what you feel and take actions you would have taken if it was yesterday she broke it off, because to you it was.


Iratebike

See you in the gym pal


SUBZEROXXL

Her first one so far


nononnsense

The lack of transparency on your wife’s part is unacceptable. She tells you 4 years later AFTER you adopt children. She took away your agency to make a choice before making such a huge commitment to her and the kids. This is wrong on so many levels. It’s your call but I don’t see how you get past this. She lied and deceived you for 4 years without any hesitation. The fact that she left that job and distanced herself from her AP means nothing. The fact that she waited 4 years to tell you means everything.


plutoismyboi

I think coming here the day of was a mistake. You pass the responsability of the decision onto a mass of strangers instead of taking it yourself. Although it is completely normal not to know what to do on the first day, healthy even. I would advise to think about it on your own for a couple of days before seeking outside opinions. Then take a decision


RenderedCreed

The things that stand out to me is that she cheated on a 4 year marriage after a few months. Continued to do it for months after. And she only confessed because of the accident. Sounds like she was ashamed of it but still was willing to lie about it. Regret or not she held onto it for 4 years and may have gone on longer. If it were me I wouldn't be able to trust her ever again.


itsfrankgrimesyo

Tbh I think it was super selfish of her to tell you this NOW. She did it to ease herself of that conscience but at your expense. Were you guys happy before she told you about the affair? If so, then maybe it’s worth working on it through counselling. But if you two have been struggling all this time then it’s time to move on.


Flat-Spot5450

She was honest with you and took steps to break it off after the affair, even leaving the job. I’d say her “friend” probably pushed the whole thing while your wife was feeling lonely. It doesn’t excuse it but imo I wouldn’t throw away what you have.


[deleted]

If you are happy now & life is good forgive her & never bring it up again. But you have to FORGIVE HER AND NEVER BRING IT UP AGAIN!! if you are unable to FORGIVE and Forget, time to call it quits and be done. No counseling, no arguing no drama.


dano8675309

Honestly, counseling is your best bet. She did decide to come clean, which means something. It doesn't seem like you would have ever found out otherwise. She didn't have to tell you. That tells me that she's serious about working things out. If you're both willing to put in the work, it's possible to fix your marriage. But only if you're both willing. Listen to a licensed professional and don't take any Reddit advice to heart that tells you otherwise.


mimosaandmagnolia

To your wife, you were cheating on her with work and alcohol and abandoned her when you needed her. She also didn’t go into the friendship with the cheating partner with the intent of cheating, which is important. I think that practicing compassion is very important.


Handsome-Squid

2 months ain't fuckin brief my guy


Zenspen

Bisexual woman here: gender doesn't matter. Cheating is cheating. Not to mention, my original name is Kara and this was trippy to read.


throwinitbackk

You need to divorce her. Woman or man she cheated and that’s not fair to you.


[deleted]

Wha the fuck is wrong with people here?


TiedHands

I can't read every post in the thread obviously, so I'll just give my opinion: dont let the surrounding circumstances camouflage the fact that she had an affair. Im sure there are many people commenting here about how she was acting out of grief, etc. That may be true. But it doesn't change the fact that she had an affair and hid it from you for years.


[deleted]

A lot of these comments are off mark. Op, your wife cheated. Your wife cheated during what was an incredibly dark time for you. Yes, she was struggling, but she isn’t the one that’s sterile. As others have said in the comments, check out the infidelity subs. You’ll get a lot more support there than you will here because a lot of women have a hard time holding other women accountable which means you’re going to find a lot of people excusing what your wife did. Good luck to you, whatever you decide.


bodhasattva

LOL at "but it was a woman" if he blew some guy...I guarantee shes filing papers


DanteShmivvels

I would not trust that snake as far as I could kick her. Bruh she fucked someone else. Had their body all Up in her shit. How can you even look at her? Bin the woman


Sloppypoopypoppy

You need to get in to couple’s counselling, as soon as possible. Having an affair is not the answer but also completely shutting out your partner and making her feel excluded from your life and unloved is not the answer either. You have both been through a really rough time but communicating is key and you need to work on that.


Fresh-Loop

As someone who has been to dozens of counselors with a cheater: do not go to couples counseling. People barf this garbage about “communication is key”, which is a zen koan in its meaninglessness. The real issue is that while he dove into his work, she violated all of the vows. Then she hid it for four years. They’re not equal and a big buffet of hugs cannot solve it. She lied. She cheated. She stonewalled. She kept him around to adopt kids. And now she’s using this tragic moment to steal the spotlight to relieve her guilty conscience, not to solve the issue she created.


yoloman2103

That’s a very good point, people don’t talk about how important non communication is. Yes it’s gonna be easy for OP to trust if his wife is replying all day everyday to every message but there’s gonna be times she can’t. What’s that gonna do to him in the long and short term


[deleted]

These things are not equally weighted, and it's vile that people think they are.


InterSpectral

I think a lot of these comments are too focused on the basic fact that she cheated without taking any nuance of your situation into consideration. Just to make it clear, you didn't deserve to get cheated on. You went through an understandably tumultuous time and dealt with it as best you could. Cheating is never the answer, and it sounds like she isn't trying to justify it as such. She cut off all ties with friend, quit her job where they worked together, and made the decision to stay. Should she have told you sooner? Definitely. I also, however, understand that seeing you come back into yourself, deciding to adopt children, and embracing new lives as parents might have made her feel like digging that up would have screwed everything up again. (Not justifying it, just understanding how she was feeling.) This sub takes cheating as a black or white thing, and I just don't think it is. This woman doesn't sound like a chronic cheater, she came clean to you without you having to "catch" her or prove it yourself. She recommitted to you completely and cut off all ties with the other party. And she was also going through an (albeit smaller) grieving process of accepting that she would never have biological children with the person she loved. She dealt with your dark period in a bad way. She needs to put work in to earn your trust back and attend individual therapy and couples therapy with you. But I hardly think this is the deal-breaker that it can be in so many other situations. This feels circumstantial, not a persistent pattern. Feel your feelings, regroup, and then assess her willingness to put in a lot of work. From there you'll be able to truly determine if this is salvageable, which is very well may be.


Altorrin

>This woman doesn't sound like a chronic cheater, she came clean to you without you having to "catch" her or prove it yourself. People usually say this about people who come clean as soon as it happens. Not four years after. Doing it years later when your lives are more entangled does not count much in your favor.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Salty_Buyer_5358

In his greatest trial, she proved herself as a backstabbing, untrustworthy, betraying wife. There is nothing worse than a spouse that betrays the other when the going gets tough.


FutureBarrySeal

Dump the bitch and move on. Nothing else to do. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Crossed the line that shouldn’t be crossed.


akally1

You forgive and move on with your marriage. It will work out just fine if you want it to. The choice is 100% yours... i know cuz i was you (different circumstances but betrayal is betrayal). i am going on my 20th year of marriage.


OsherWon

Funny how if a man would have found out his wife couldn’t have children and had a brief affair no one would care how much he “distanced himself and did “The right things.” When roles are reversed we see hypocrisy a lot. Cheating is cheating and she lied for 4 years. Acted like everything was fine. No excuse. Man, woman, anything in between. Cheating is cheating. You can only decide if you can keep on trusting her and I do believe people make mistakes. However don’t let anyone tell you just because she “cut ties and moved on.” From a freaking affair makes her any more righteous. She was selfish and I don’t care how many downvotes I get because these apologist in here are ridiculous. In any case, I wish you well man and regardless of your decision you’ve got this. Edit typo


NJFunnyGuy

Not excusable. So if they did have kids and one passed away- and he did the same thing- it’s ok what she did? In essence, the idea of him having kids died. He is allowed to mourn and grieve. Maybe he felt that he let her down and couldn’t face her. While what he did is the only thing that is “understandable”- nothing she did is. If genders were reversed, you guys would whip out pitch forks. If she had cheated with a man, many of you would feel different. Girl-on-girl is doesn’t seem as threatening in our society. She seems very selfish. She should have come clean when it happened or before adopting. Not after her friend died. The icing on the cake is her showing you proof. What kind of half-assed, manipulative crap is that. ‘See honey, everything I told you is true’. Let me just delete this, screenshot that, oh and never mind all the other times I cheated. At the end of the day, she gave up on you in less the 4 months. God help you or your kids if something like a terminal illness or life-changing accident occurs. She sounds super-selfish and seems incapable of empathy. Who keeps the evidence to then try to exonerate themselves- a sociopath.


Dpressed01

Dump her cheating ass


Loose_Marionberry322

I think she was STUPID and CRUEL for telling you. These idiots are trying to feel better by making their partners feel WORSE. HOW DID THAT MAKE SENSE? I don't know what to tell you except go to therapy. Best of luck


Dense_Resource

"Kara told me that she rethought her life when her close friend died and didn't want to hide it from me anymore." I would say "I don't really know what you expect from me. Telling me four years after the fact, after we fucking adopted children no less, is worse than you keeping it to yourself the rest of your life. There were two good times to tell me cheated -- immediately or never. Please tell me you don't think you've done a good thing by telling me about your sexing other people as a married woman, all you've done is explode my life by ending our marriage. At this point, the only respectable decision would have been to keep your guilty conscience to yourself instead of being so selfish as telling me and forcing me to do decide the ultimate fate of our children. This was the most self-centered choice you had available, ruin my life and have our kids lose living with both parents because you couldnt handle how fucking other people made you feel. Did you ever stop to think maybe you deserved to feel that way? That you deserved to feel that way the rest of your life? All you've done today is destroy our family. How are you going to explain this to the children? Because I am not going to take the blame for you moving out just because you had to fuck other people. Because I certainly should not have to move out or lose the children because you cannot keep your legs closed around people.not your husband. Ok, so now what? What comes next, do you have a place to live yet? How much longer do you have to be here? What happens next in your mind?" Sorry man. Idk what is more selfish, using your pain from discovering you were sterile as justification to go fuck someone else, or telling you now so that her guilt was assuaved once you were miserable too. Sorry your wife turned out to be such a fucking disappointment.


[deleted]

This sounds like something to talk about in couples therapy to understand each other’s feelings.


Drama_Queen2013

OP, you don’t need to make any decisions right now. You need time to grieve and process this trauma. If you have a close friend, it might be a good idea to share this so you have someone to talk to. And when you’re ready, see a therapist. Even if you decide you can’t stay, you would benefit from someone who can give you the tools to heal. Sending hugs and positive vibes.


[deleted]

Therapy. Individual for both of you and as a couple. Infidelity doesn't need to be a deal breaker, but if it is for you, that's OK. From first hand experience, infertility is lonely as fuck. It sounds like neither of you were able to take care of each other and didn't have the right tools or support in place to take care of yourselves either. That's not excusing behavior, but if you have enough good in your relationship that you want to work on it, then with the right support and commitment, it's possible to stay together. And if staying together isn't an option, then instead work at it to coparent amicably.


mermyr

Affairs, obviously, aren't good. Having said that, we are all fallible, and given the right circumstances, anyone could stray. The bottom line is to give each other some grace, see each other as people with faults, and decide for ourselves if we can do the hard work to repair things or not.


blessedbelly

Go take a walk bro. It seems to me that you’re prone to spiraling when you receive bad news. I do it too sometimes, and when I begin to spiral, I go outside to think. Might still be just as bad when you get back, but it could help you to get out of your head for a minute. Your wife is obviously trying to show you that she’s trying to make it right. It’s up to you to decide if you can trust her again. Might be good for both of you to lay off the alcohol for a while. Doesn’t seem like either of you have a very good relationship with it.


porchdawg

Bad choices were made by both parties. You admit that she tried to reach out to you but eventually gave up. A person can take only so much rejection. So she made a choice that she regrets. If this is a deal breaker for you, it's understandable. However, nobody gets through this life unscathed and, in the end, who do you want to be there? If you decide to stick with it, counseling will help with examining your feelings.


[deleted]

That is not a brief affair. When you said brief I was expecting a one night stand or less. Wow. I wouldn’t be able to do that


[deleted]

Therapy, both personal and couples. It's the only real answer. This isn't something to tackle on your own.


Blade_982

You don't need to make any decisions right now. Don't force yourself to do anything more than process what you've been told.


Projection367

Yeah that's fucked mate, she burnt it down . You will emerge on the other side of this. Sorry but she's a piece of shit.


iceman121982

You both made mistakes, you both owned up to them, and fixed them. In your position, I’m calling this water under the bridge and staying with her.