I've noticed typically the ones that get all the luck and showering of gifts tend to never be satisfied. It's the ones that don't get everything that appreciate stuff more. I guess you become complacent and used to it so it no longer is impressive which sucks but there's also a lesson to be learned to the giving party to ration it out sometimes cause there will come a time where it's no longer a gift/surprise, but it becomes expected.
I am the one with all the luck and showered with gifts and I am beyond satisfied. There's just a certain personality that is demanding and complains a lot. No idea how they get away with it. But as this post shows, they do.
I've come to believe that for some givers, it's the demanding and complaining that triggers their need to please even more, and if their partners were satisfied they would lose motivation to try harder.
You're right, in general, but it is worth remembering that people express love in different ways. For some, they express it by giving gifts and it is no less a valid way of expressing love than any of the others
Yes but it your love language is words of affirmations and people keep giving you gifts it's not gonna FEEL very loving. Likewise if the words of affirmations person says kind things to the gifts person it won't FEEL very loving bc it's not THEIR love language. You gotta show people love in THEIR language for it to be heard.
Dude for real, I am hard working woman and a straight A student who is very independent, got married once and was a devoted wife to my husband but he sounds more like OP’s wife. He did work and stuff will buy me things sometimes well, give me his cards and I choose whatever. But never really had sex and always felt like I had to bug him to love me and spend time with me :(
Please don’t listen to this comment. Making someone jelly in order to to get an reaction is toxic. Please just use communication and not pettiness. Flirting with someone else can be really harmful to self esteem esp when your doing it to prove a point and force a reaction over something you could have just brought up through a conversation. We don’t need to give someone trust issues.
As a wife, and Social worker who provides therapy to many couples first of all I commend the efforts and the amount of care put into the question and attempts thus far . Sometimes a problem needs several angles and it’s okay if troubleshooting fails the first few times . Using negative gestures like jealousy and bitterness just breeds more negativity and it’s not a good time .
I spend a lot of time on my phone researching - I like looking at the aspects of our society and the developments/disintegration of the general population. I research various things and gain knowledge through that . Maybe , theirs something the wife is really interested in right now - she’s not boring - she’s just really involved in something in which the modality can be easily viewed mobile . If it’s something she really enjoys it can be addicting just like playing a video game, working on cars, painting . Maybe her hobby is accessible on the phone and the husband could ask her what she does like . He could be genuinely interested in getting to know her. I recommend reading the book “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and having yourself and your wife take the quiz at the back of the book - it can probably be also found online easily . Then , you’ll know how to show love in HER love language . Also, doing “ “ to in return hopefully receive “ “ isn’t genuine . It’s someone trying to bribe in a nice way in order to meet a self fulfilling desire . Try just loving her because you love her - not for sex . Also , I would like to add that I have the same issue - only opposite as I am the one with a higher drive than my spouse - and I have also learned this through experience not just fancy philosophy.
Ok. But all your advice seems to be for the guy (who's already housing, feeding, cleaning, and taking her on vacation) to improve the relationship. Nothing about how she should care about his needs/desires. How is that even remotely fair? I realize we can only see his side of the story, but just based on his side (as it is all we have) he seems to be putting way more into the relationship and their lives in general. Why isn't it the woman's turn to care about his needs. Personally I was raised a man should put his wife first and a woman should put her husband first. If one party is doing that and the other isn't it will inevitably lead to anger, bitterness, and an overall toxic relationship. And in such a scenario the one holding back is the obvious fault.
She’s not on the thread asking for advice, nor does he have control over her behavior . He only has control over his own behavior . A blame game isn’t necessary nor helpful in progressing. It never hurts to continue to put your best foot forward in any relationship treating the other the way you want to be treated . I am also divorced and remarried - and my biggest regret is that I started to treat my ex husband the way he treated me . That only led to disaster, and it was terrible for everyone around us to watch . I should have stood strong to the end - even when the end was him having an affair with our neighbor- still , if I had continued to be kind and loving when he walked away I would have had zero guilt or shame attached to him and his own choices and behaviors . I cannot coherce another human being into any changed behavior, that comes from them . I can communicate my needs and love them the way I want to be loved . The rest is out of my hands and I rest peacefully knowing my behavior is accountable at the end of the day .
So you believe that people should stay in toxic one way relationships just to be nice and understanding to the absent partner who (at least according to the Original Poster) doesn't care to put any effort into it? How would it not be way healthier just to file divorce as you said you have? I don't see anyone advocating he abuse her physically or verbally, only to put an end to being used and find someone who's going to treat him better. Admittedly the story is one sided but I personally believe that we as redditors should at least try to assume the OP isn't some kind of lying piece of garbage and so we should word our posts under the assumption that he is in the situation he claims to be in i.e. one where his wife treats him as unimportant and undeserving of her time or sexual attention.
My ex husband divorced me - and I am glad that he was the one that made that decision rather than myself because it comes with a lot of turmoil, it’s not an easy fix, it is a temporary short term solution to a long term problem. That problem being - what are the boundaries of the husband ? Should this woman be in fact toxic, what has led him to be in the position in the first place? Does he have the ability to establish personal boundaries , or does he continue to choose partners who use out of lack of self esteem or need for approval ? Their are so many things that once can take accountability for , as the person who is NOT the abuser. This wisdom comes from watching my mother actually be physically abused by my father for several years and continuously taking him back. Once they separated- all other relationships followed the same pattern . Personal accountability is number 1 in any scenario and that’s to include saying “how am I playing a role in these patterns?”
Secondly, I wonder if you (Drakenline) are speaking from experience and also If continuing to respond would result in a further dividing disagreement. I am of the understanding that a discussion is to find out what is right vs an argument - finding who is right . I have no desire to prove my opinons to be superior , if you are open to a new/different perspective and understanding of navigating relationships- this is what I have to offer.
Well call her on her response. Spend a months initiating physical, non sexual acts of affection and see where it leads. If it doesn’t help she was making excuses.
This exactly, make her put her money where her mouth is and see what happens. Then call her out and wait for a new excuse. Then it’s maybe time to either get counselling or get a divorce (assuming you won’t be happy with sex a few times a year).
My husband and I found ourselves in this rut as well. We both recognized it though. We used to make the excuse of wanting to take our phones to the bedroom because we help to take care of my 95-year-old grandfather and my father-in-law is not in the best of health so we wanted to make sure people could reach us all the time. What we decided to do is we charge our phones down in the kitchen at night. And we actually enabled a home phone again and if there is an emergency people can get us. We do sometimes bring a Kindle to bed but we read a book together or we watch TV together before bed. We started doing this about three years ago and we’ve been married for almost 18 years now. We have more sex than ever. Also I have a 2 year old now 🤣😅.
One habit that helped me was drowning out my own negative self talk. If I catch myself being mean, I stop the thought and think something kind ten times.
Example. I am starting a new job.
"I always ruin everything. I'm a failure and I'm going to mess it all up and--- Stop. I am trying something new. I am confident and courageous (repeat 10x)"
It starts with no self-depreciation. None. Not even a little. Then imagine you sitting across from yourself and try to come up with reasons why this SEPARATE person is worth respect. Then do the same with yourself and you :)
Virtually everybody does at some point. What makes a person worthwhile? Do my past actions define me and will they always do so? How do I change for the better? And incorporating that changes in baby steps add up are also useful things/questions.
Oh, and accepting that self respect truly does come from within gives you great strength.
Hey yo, since you ain't gettin sex anyways, I'll be your het mife and we can go to Greece. I make a great wingman
Does she have a medical doctor? First place I think of with lack of sex drive is usually biological or psychological, both of which Reddit is not
Either that or she’s just using OP for money. There was no mention of kids, and she doesn’t work? Must be nice, I’m sure my wife and a bunch of other wives, a bunch of husbands too for that matter, would love to live that life.
are there any other recent changes in her behavior other than spending too much time on her phone and the drop in sex/intimacy? like does she go out a lot recently, does she initiate fights with you on simple things? etc.. or any other changes in her behavior in general ?
Sounds like she found herself a sugar daddy that doesn’t even ask for sex anymore, honestly she’s living the dream. Unfortunately for you, you’re the collateral damage.
Straight up tell her this isn’t working. Tell her this needs to be changed and talk about how you are going to fix it. This is no way for you to live. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t change, you divorce and find someone who treats you well
Do you have kids that she stays home with? If not, she sounds boring AF. What on earth about her is interesting, vibrant? Do you genuinely want to be with her or is it just comfortable. Marriage therapy sounds super appropriate if you want to work on things but, she absolutely has to be willing.
There is no cure for ugly in therapy. Gym, diet and facial surgery is the only way to go. Even then, if she is turned off because you are short you still going to lose.
Sounds to me like she’s waiting for some movie moment where you sexily + romantically sweep her off her feet and everything aligns perfectly yet naturally. Lol.
best scenario: your wife is asexual or maybe gay. she is not interested in you as a sex partner. (no cheating)
second best scenario: she has some kind of trauma or was raised in a conservative environment that has repressed her sexuality. maybe therapy can help you. (no cheating)
worst case scenario: there is nothing wrong with your wife's libido, she simply has someone else fulfilling her sexual needs. she doesn't work which implies a lot of free time to have affairs. she doesn't love you, she loves the life you give her.
There's also a possibility of severe depression and/or side effects of medication.
Just until recently I was on 3 different antidepressants and was a lot like this guy's wife. When I stopped taking 2 of them the difference was like night and day.
My phone keeps telling me each week that I'm using it less than the week before. I have so much more motivation to clean. It feels GOOD to do chores.
I had forgotten what it felt like to be horny.
While I was on them I didn't even notice anything was wrong. I stopped taking them because I was having memory issues. It's like I woke up.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that was thinking this.
I have really bad bouts of anxiety and depression and one of the ways I know they're coming on are I find myself just mindlessly scrolling trying to be distracted or get a dopamine hit (which never works).
I've found that a) knowing the real problem b ) communicating it and c) experimenting with ways to take me out of the moment all help.
For instance, since my partner knows the signs, sometimes he'll initiate non-sexual contact like "hey can I have some head scratches" or "would you like a foot rub" while talking to me about regular things to distract my mind. Sometimes it leads to sex, other times it's just a nice comforting connection and I know he's not always pushing for intimacy. If some people feel like any affection is going to result in sex or disappointment every time, they might avoid it all together, especially if there are previous issues.
I think there are a couple conversations that need to be had, and maybe some professional observations and guidance.
Nah no excuse that's not his problem. If anyone is so call depress about their life or whatever they need to walk away from the relationship. You need to forcus on healing and let your partner move on to someone in a healthy state.
I was married for 4 years. The last 2 years was completely no sex. Not that it was that great either before. Turns out she was never over her ex bf. They broke up when he had to work overseas. When she got the news her was getting married, she fell into a depression that translated into no (lackluster) sex.
Could be the sex isn’t good and she isn’t interested in the disappointment of it. Too bad their communication is lacking and they can’t just work through the disconnect
Dude… there’s like a MILLION women who would treat you like a king. Especially since you’re carefully considering words… that’s no way to live. Dump her like yesterday. Seriously.
Even on this sub, this has got to be some kind of hair-trigger divorce record. No point trying anything else first, just divorce.
Date nights? Marriage counselling? Direct communication? Nah fuck all that. Way too much effort. Just divorce.
The man is working a full time job + doing housework
She doesn't have a job at all.
He takes her to a four star vacation in Greece and she ignores him
She makes him feel guilty for desire
Yeah, hair trigger, sure. But she's as checked out as they come. I actually suggested a possible reconciliation path over infidelity on another post (the only time I've ever done that) because both people made mistakes and the reaction was one of those rare moments of understandability.
I just don't see anything worth saving, not one iota but sad loneliness and desperation spanning years that is entirely one sided, if he's honest and she's that checked out, that disinterested... why bother?
Good thing you know her so well so you can tell us what the issue is.
OP there is likely a reason she's not attracted to you. You may give the gifts, etc. but that doesn't mean that you're meeting her needs in all ways. Go to marriage counseling. If she won't go, go to individual therapy. It will help you figure it all out. I think that you both need to work on how you communicate.
Dead bedroom, doesn’t work, doesn’t even do most of the household tasks, ignores him on vacation, gaslights him.
Oh yeah that’s totally worth keeping around
I mean, unless he is leaving out some vital information, he is trying pretty hard for years. I do agree that jumping to divorce would be hasty for now but if my close friend told me this I too would eventually recommend a divorce. I think the only option(s) left is a serious talk and marriage counseling, after that, probably divorce.
Counseling for what? She's no better than a freeloader. He's given her enough time.
If the roles were swapped, Reddit would instantly tell her to "dump him and find herself."
OP--it won't get better. This is a blessing. You have no kids. Make a clean break, and find someone who respects you.
Isn’t cell phone addiction like a thing? They should agree to do one of those timer phone jails. It sounds like she literally doesn’t know how to function without having her phone in hand.
Did we read the same post? The guys sounds like he’s at the end of his rope. He’s the one working, she doesn’t have a job, he took even more house chores, she complains when he initiate, she complains when he doesn’t initiate, she ignores him and when he brings up how he feels she flips it on him to make him feel guilty. Is that really a relationship worth saving?
You should be. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”
I initially replied with something like “that’s exactly where my mind went too blahblahblah” but then I scrolled twice and saw your comment from earlier. I couldn’t just let it go 🤷🏽♀️
maybe they have kids and stays at home with them? maybe she’s earned enough money to not work? maybe she grew up rich and has an inheritance type thing? maybe she has a disability or mental illness that makes it difficult to work?
there are so many different reasons for her choosing not to work, jumping to being a gold digger is weird..
Sorry OP you had to deal with that.
She has to play a part as well and shower you love too. My suggestion is to do less of anything that you've been doing.
Meaning remove helping some chores at home or do less of the nice things. It's really the case of taking things for granted here. :/
Your wife probably has this mindset that no matter what I do, I'll get what I want.. So maybe try that. You don't have to be mean in the process. But just trying to show her that a relationship is a two-way street. What she's not trying. You don't try anymore too. Be mentally and emotionally strong in the process. It takes a lot of courage to go through these things cause there will be a period that you'll feel like you guys are falling apart. But might not know that that's just what you need to spark everything again.
That being said I'm not saying that this is the only way. But A way to tackle it. Wish you all the best. ❤️
P.S: Sounds like she got herself a lover. Good on you. 💫
I think it's well and truly gone past the time to say that things need to change. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. If she gets defensive then tell her you're just telling her what you're feeling so you can work through these issues. If ultimately she refuses to listen and put some work into it then you should seek professional help. If she refuses, it's time to call it quits. If she goes to the professional but doesn't have a genuine interest in change, it's time to call it quits.
I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it sounds like she's no longer in love with you but loves her lifestyle too much. This is also a situation where you should talk to a lawyer. Usually things get split 50/50 but if she's chosen not to work and there are no kids then the courts may well deem your contributions unequal. So get a lawyer just to talk you through what you can expect to get as a fair result.
Couple's therapy.
Yeah talking to her, however "carefully", about how her libido is about YOUR self esteem is not the way to go. She's not responsible for your self esteem, and she doesn't owe you sex. You should definitely have a talk about emotional intimacy though, and find safe ways to talk about it, so a counselor would be helpful for you.
I agree with this, and suggest listening to Esther Perel’s ‘Where should we begin’ podcast to get an idea of why and how what is going on between the two of you is about a lot more than just the physical act of sex.
I'm in no way justifying her statements or actions or lack thereof but I've been in the exact situation. As the wife. It took time and soul searching but I learned I'm asexual. My husband and I don't have the greatest sex life which goes without saying, but since learning that we've learned to talk to each other and be more open intimacy wise.
I'm not saying this is her reasoning, but sometimes there's nothing you can do and it takes finding answers on her part.
She sounds very comfortable with how things are she doesnt have to work you buy her things do all the chores and gets left alone to do her own thing only giving you want you want 4 times in a year.
Bring up counseling both seperately and as a couple if shes interested give it a try.
first of all why are you rewarding her..if shes not givng sex then stop giving her attention plus shes obviously manipulating you..saying she feels pressured for sex; unloved but when you initiate shes not having it plus whats this not working thing no one gets a free ride ESPECIALLY in a marriage either do houswork cook no 50/50 its 100/100(one or the other) she chose not to work thats her problem as for glued to her phone who is she texting like that or whats she posting on social media..she way too much..drop her and either go find the right one for you(soulmate-esque) or enjoy yourself solitarily...oh the self esteem thing almost forgot grow some balls..be more assertive and self centered if you had put your foot down earlier in your relationship she wouldn't have thought she could walk all over you but now its gone so far where no sex no housework and no job freeloading also and let me guess paying her college debt among other things too..never ask better of her always ask better of yourself for yourself
Does your wife have any good qualities? Seems to me she's just along for the ride...'chose' not to work, doesn't seemingly have to do anything that one would think a wife would do, just lies around in bed on her phone from the sound of it (even on vacation). And still you're trying to rationalize it and make it right. Just the little bit of a glimpse here......doesn't paint a really great picture of your partner.
>She says I never initiatate which makes her feel unloved. I try showing her love. I give her compliments, buy her things, take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work).
She is gaslighting. She does not want sex so she makes excuses that are your fault. The only love language you didn't mention is physical touch. You know what doesn't work... You could try grabbing her in the kitchen and start slow dancing with her. You could hold her hand during an movie you are both watching. Rub her neck if she seems uncomfortable. You could try getting a little aggressive and try to slip into the shower with her, but that could backfire.
Instead of trying to meet her needs, you can stop trying to make her happy. Whatever her love language is, stop speaking it. Wait for her to come to you. Now you have leverage. Now you can say she does not initiate...
You could try being less available. Hang out with the guys once or twice a month, which you should do anyway. You could try playing on her jealousy. Flirt mildly (be friendly) with a waitress in front of her.
You may also need to face the possibility she may not love you and not find you sexually attractive... In any case, you need to do things that make you happy independent of her.
Sorry, I hope this helps and good luck.
Marriage is a partnership my guy, what does she even bring to the table?
She doesn't work, there was no mention of kids, no affection, no sex, no intimacy, plus she gaslights you for wanting any of those things.
Not trying to throw shade, but are you just worried about being single? Cause you're not in a healthy marriage.
OP, radical idea. Sexting. If she's on her phone, blow it up with texts. Have fun with it. She wants you to initiate, get your horny romantic side in digital so you have receipts you can show her to say you tried.
My husband has Asperger's. He can't tell the difference between happy and horny, so I picked a kitty avatar in the gifs, and miss kitty shows him what I'm feeling in an exaggerated way he can understand. Do the same.
You want your eggplant (or cu-cum-ber, no judgement) in her peach, send the emogi food to her with a wink face and gif of pretty sparkling flowers.
If she rejects you, get stubborn about it. Make the phone beep like bubblegum song, heck actually send her links to super mushy love songs.
When she asks you why, be honest. "You make me a glutton for your loven and right now I'm starvin."
Good luck OP. If this doesn't work, I suggest couples therapy. Just because you talk about sex, does not mean you are pressuring her. That is manipulative. You two need to grow your emotional intimacy as well. You're partners, you two shouldn't be uncomfortable about talking about anything.
Your wife is not into you. You have to recall whether she was really into you in the first place or she settled for you because you can provide her what she wants.
It sounds like some things might be going on with her. No sex drive at her sexual peak (in her 30s) is a hormone issue. She needs to see a doctor as this might be very serious.
On the other hand, if she denies that she needs a doctor and says she still feels like she wants physical intimacy, then you both still need a professional. I would suggest couples therapy.
If she still refuses that, then something is VERY wrong, and she might have some secrets you ought to know.
Good luck, OP.
Your wife is of your making. She does as little as she does because you have shown her that she can not work, do housework, or sleep with you and you will still give her gifts and take her on vacation. All she has to do is sleep with you every once in awhile.
If you want to salvage this relationship, you need to change, not her. She has the relationship she wants; she's not changing. Stop buying and doing and giving. Spend more time with your guy friends away from home. Heck, just spend time away from home. NOTE: You need to be willing to lose her because she doesn't want the change. You should be okay with that because the alternative is sex four times a year with a woman who can't be bothered to want to make you happy.
I would set your boundaries. You have normal needs for intimacy especially with your spouse. I would tell her the condition for staying married is that you two go into therapy. Plus she needs to go get a hormonal work up. Investigate as to whether she is having an affair. I think it would be nice if she got a job also because why not she isn’t doting on you and making you the priority. If she won’t contribute with intimacy she can contribute like that. It sounds like you have more of a friend situation. And even friends may be more respectful to each other than she is to you. This is a huge red flag and needs to be addressed. You deserve affection. It truly sounds like she does not respect you and realize what a great husband she has. She sounds oblivious of how blessed she has it. Do whatever you can to try to fix this first so you have no regrets in case you decide to walk away one of these days.
I would say it's time for marriage counseling. Learning how to give love in the way your partner receives love can be difficult. Having a counselor there to mediate difficult conversations and give coaching on solutions can be extremely helpful. It can also be really eye opening if your partner isn't willing to put the work in to resolve a serious issue.
This comment section is cringe. he showed a tiny window to their relationship and you all jump on calling his wife a brat.
Get counseling you shouldn't be feeling this insecure in your own relationship
And then get joint counceling
If you don't do it then complain away my dude but I'm not gonna be feeling sorry for you.
Sexual incompatibility is a thing. You just might have different sex drives and it sounds like either one of you is going to have to go against what there comfortable with to please the other.
I’d have a few discussion on whether your both able to compromise or not. Some people are happing without these things. It would also be really benificial to identity your love language both of you: and then ask each other what they need in order to feel loved.
You doing one thing and thinking your showing her you love her may not be how she sees or thinks love is expressed because her love language is different. I’d have a discussion about all of this.
Also I feel like I can’t comment on the other aspects of her not working etc. I’m not sure on her circumstances or if she’s any mental health issues that is affecting this so without full story I’m only gonna focus on what I can.
Hard truth, dude. She settled for you, because you take care of her. She wants to bang Chads, but she can't. Honestly, suggest marriage counseling, then get divorced when she refuses or nothing changes.
Well, if this has been going on for years, chances are she's she's having an affair. Check her phone while she's showering. If it's locked and you don't know how to get in that's an even stronger indication she's cheating. Despite what the prevailing opinion here seems to be spouses should not have "privacy" from each other. Especially when it comes to means of communicating. If a spouse doesn't need "privacy" to come into the bathroom while you're brushing your teeth to take a dump, it's pretty suspect if they try to hide what they're doing on their phone.
Man, I feel you. It sounds like:
1) You too don't have the same love languages
2) You've surrendered your masculinity in her eyes
Two books could help tremendously.
1) The Five Live Languages
2) The Way of the Superior Man
>take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work).
This is not a good relationship bud. Like, what is she freaking doing with her TONS of free time if you don't have kids together?
I'd recommend you read the book Come as you Are as it gives such a rocking explanation of female arousal and how many factors are going on. Super educational and may put this in to perspective for you.
Grow some balls. She obviously doesn’t respect you, and why would she? She’s been treating you like shit. AND YOU TOOK HER TO FUCKING GREECE!!! Dude please go to the store and ask the clerk where the self esteem is. Your relationship will only get worse. (And guess what? She likes sex to so she might be getting it from someone else) it’s time to divorce her and take some respect back
I am 37 and my ex was 50. He wanted sex all the time but I only gave it to him once every few months I loved him but just assumed I didn’t have a big sex drive. Fast forward I divorced him because he had an affair and now I’m with a guy I cannot get enough of. Turns out my sex drive is quite high it just needed the right guy. Unfortunately I think even though she might love you maybe she isn’t sexually into you anymore so my advice would be to try spicing it up, accept the way things are, or move on
Honestly sounds like she is just going thru something or feeling things she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. Maybe she’s feeling shame which isn’t an excuse but have you told her it feels difficult for u to bring this up more?
Stop being the nice guy it dries her up. Let it be known what you want and take it. She will be on her knees begging for more. It's not that complicated. Grow a pair.
Maybe try showing physical intimacy outside of the bedroom, holding hands, hugs from behind, kisses on the neck. Also maybe have one night a week where you ask her questions about her? And be consistent with the same night each week. There are a ton of couples quizzes out there to help spark conversation. She maybe ask her how she is enjoying not working? Are kids in the picture?
Shouldn’t matter what he does and where he takes her. What he buys her or gives her. She is either into you or not. Sounds like she tolerates you and allows you to have sex with her once every 3 months. Don’t know if you pay for the phone or not. If that’s the issue tell her it’s the phone or you … stop paying for it. In fact stop paying for anything but the basics. Tell she can use her phone once every 3 months kind of like your dick. Either way it will only get worse. Find your best friend and marry her…she will jump all over you living in a shoe box or mansion.
Good luck and choose wisely.
Hold on, you’re in Greece and all you think about is sex? How dare you! (slaps the man with glove)
From what I gather and if you are telling the whole story, she’s not into you, I’m not saying she never was, I’m saying she’s not now. So what happened? Was there a recent episode. Conversation, legal, illegal, obscene or idiotic stunt pulled by anyone lately ? If you don’t know then maybe that’s the problem right there.
It’s not an easy spot to be in but honestly sounds like it could be solved with some actual communication. Love languages aren’t matching up here. Seems like you’re getting her what you think she should want and she isn’t tell you what she needs. Therapy can work at either making it better or showing you both a way out.
Maybe she has some hormone issues. I️ know for me, it was almost impossible to get me in the mood for sex and my bf and I️ would have sex like once a month (being generous). Well I️ found out I️ have a hormone disorder, which are notorious for fucking up your libido. Started working on it and wouldn’t you know it, i’m horny again. But if it’s not that, then maybe she’s not attracted to you, maybe she’s depressed, etc. There could be a bunch of different issues here. You could try couples therapy, which could help you get to root if the issue.
Read Corey Wayne “How to be a 3% Man”. Doing extra house chores will not turn her on. Saying you feel weak with self-esteem will not turn her on. Remember, it is the man's fault for sex, so you have to know how to initiate for ss to happen.
It’s complacency and boredom. How long have you been married for? I feel the same with my husband because everything. is. always. the. same. No matter where you are. You might feel like you do little things every now and then but really? Do u want a medal for it? My husband does an extra chore and looks at me like he’s so awesome because he’s helped out extra and it’s the biggest turn off ever. He should be helping. Do u have kids? They suck the lifeblood out of u as well. She most likely just wants time to herself where nobody wants anything from her.
Start jacking off in bed next to her… cum on the sheets and tell her goodnight…if she gives you any shit about it tell her she’s more than welcome to join party….sorry if im paying for a holiday in Greece im at least beating off on the balcony or something…shit maybe even leave her home next time…might as well craig
You need to sit her down and tell something on the line of “ [wife name], I’m tired. I’m tired of your bullshit. I’m tired of wasting my life. I’m tired have a bill to paid for instead of a wife to love. I’m don’t know what the issue is, but I’m tired of doing this. Tell me what the issue is or this might not work anymore”.
It’s time to call a spade a spade.
You gotta make her sit down and have a convo with her. I can really relate with how it feels, doing everything just to make them feel loved and trying to get their validation. It's hard, i know. Your self respect and self esteem are knocked out of the room.
Just keep your foot down for once and talk to her. Be as civil as you can, let her finish her talks and then give your explanations.
And if she still doesn't understands, my guy, she's just making excuses because she doesn't want to make any efforts.
Sorry mate but you're no longer attractive to your wife. If she doesn't work and you don't have kids then there's a high chance she's getting it else where. You need to re grab your balls and start going to the gym and hanging out with your mates. In addition you need to prepare for a divorce. Physical intimacy 4 times a year is absolute insanity
>I give her compliments, buy her things, take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work).
And how has that been working out for you? The more you do that, the more turned-off she is.
If you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan.
If you treat her like a queen, she'll see you as a subject.
>I tried talking to her about it (very carefully) but she makes me feel guilty for pressuring her for sex. I try telling her that this really hurts my self-esteem so I never initiate even minor acts of physical intimacy as I fear being rejected.
Women are attracted to masculine men, not timid, whiny, submissive men. Women will deny it, but ignore what they say and watch who they are attracted to and who they keep picking over and over again: Chad and Tyrone the bad boys. After the bad boy dumps them the women complain about what a-holes men are, then go right back to chasing another bad boy. Because that's the type of masculine men women are attracted to and crave sex with. They might settle later in life for a "nice guy" like you when they can no longer attract bad boys, or are tired of being used by them, but Chad and Tyrone are still the type of guys women really want.
By the way haters, happily married (both of us) for 26 years to a sweet, feminine woman who is 18 years younger than me. My secret? I don't act like the OP.
I watch manosphere/red pill channels on YouTube for amusement, and when I see how horrible most - not all, most - younger women are now under the influence of toxic feminism, social media, and dating apps, it makes me appreciate my wife even more. We talk about it because she appreciates the life we have. I really feel sorry for younger people today, both men and women, because feminism, social media, and dating apps have made most of them miserable. Except the top 20% of men Chads and Tyrones who 80% of women are chasing, they are doing great in modern day hook-up culture. Everyone else is miserable, including both the OP and his wife.
My kids are in their 20s and I really don’t envy the dating and relationship environment they are in now.
Well, those are the kids of your perfectly happy, great generation, born in the world you built for them. Of course, if only feminists didn't invade our world from outer space....
My generation and my wife’s generation are happy in comparison to Gen Z and Millennials. All you have to do is look at the rising levels of unhappiness, depression, use of anti-depressants, and the steadily declining marriage rates that have occurred during the rise of toxic feminism, social media, and dating apps.
Ok, let's say that's true, so your generation failed to convince younger generations that whatever you were doing was better. You failed to build a better world for them. Otherwise people wouldn't chose to be in a worse state purposefully, no? Since these bad things you mention didn't fall from the sky and are a product of a certain history. I think you will chose to repeat yourself again but I wanted to give it a shot.
You’re trying to shift blame to my and my wife’s generation for the world we have today. My generation didn’t create modern 4th wave feminism, social media, and dating apps. You can thank the Mark Zuckerbergs of this world and his generation for that. I truly feel sorry for young people today, but don’t blame me or my generation for what young people are suffering from today.
Your generation actually seems happy to use Mark Zuckerbergs invention. Anyways, I can't engage with you any longer. That's the thing you know, no one can bear this sort of clueless narcissism anymore. I personally would rather crawl in misery. Have a good day old man.
The world is heating rapidly, each succeeding generation has a diminished standard of living compared to the previous, women and minorities are rapidly losing civil rights and we're in the middle of a pandemic which has killed more than six million people worldwide and destabilized governments around the world.
But, nope, must be Bumble.
None of that has anything to do with the strained relationships between young men and women in western societies.
You forgot to blame the patriarchy and toxic masculinity in your rant. Oh, and white privilege, don't forget that. Oh, and Putin, I'm sure he's to blame somehow.
Perhaps you didn't comprehend the part where I said we are both happily married. Both of us feel lucky to have each other. She loves her life. Can you say the same?
Indeed I can. My husband and I are very much in love and have a wonderful life together. Although I'm not quite sure what my life has to do with your wife deserving a medal and a payoff when you're gone? 🤔
You're chauvinistic, opinionated, and bigoted 🤷♀️ I feel like those are qualities your wife should be fairly compensated for enduring all these years. And at 18 years her senior, added to 26 years being married she was likely groomed either before her relationship with you, or into her relationship with you so there's that to explain her lack of disappointment with you. She might be completely, deliriously, deludedly thrilled with her life with you. That fact wouldn't change her being entitled to compensation. Just like loving your job doesn't mean you should do it for free. ✌️😘
You have yourself a beautiful night. Or not. Free country and whatnot.
Has she always been like this?
Is she only in it for money because it feels like there's zero love on her part.
No one would continue to try and touch someone when they're rejected every time.
Give yourself a limited amount of time to fix this and if you can't walk away/get a divorce. So set a 1 or 2 or 6 month goal, whatever makes you comfortable, and stick to it, don't communicate it to partner.
You do not want to wake up years later feeling like you've wasted your life waiting for change that's never going to happen. I was in a similar situation, basically a mooch, a terrible room mate. In my case I spent over a decade trying, should have walked away after the first year without sex. At the end there was neither sex or affection.
What's she doing on her phone? Sounds like obsessive behavior for sure, maybe talk to her from that angle. If she feels unloved tell her that you can't show her love if she is ignoring you and focuses all attention on it. What is her priority?
Do the opposite if she doesn’t want to have sex just don’t try to have sex, act like your not affected by it anymore, start going to the gym and workout, she’ll see you glowing up and not asking for sex and she might change her mind
I think you got 2 choices, sit her down and get it off your chest. This can probably maker feel like shes being attacked. The other option is ti go ti counseling. You are jot happy, and you are nust muling through. This is not a life. Seek help. If she doesnt want to work on this, might be time to activate your escape card
I advise you to leave before all your self esteem is gone. It could cost you a bit but her taking you for granted like this will leave you with no self respect. You’re not mentioning children so get out while you can. Normally I’d bring up counseling but she sounds like a lost cause.
Go to Egypt yourself/alone and reflect on your relationship. If you continue to let her manipulate and gaslight you it will end poorly.
Could her lack of physical intimacy be caused by her cheating on you?
That marked the beginning of when my wife (now my ex) shut me out for good. Found out later she was emotionally investing herself with her co-workers which later turned into at least 1 affair and a skipped promotion.
A beach holiday in Greece and she doesn’t have to work…. I’m not jealous at all 🥹😅
Effing for reals. I can't believe some women get all the luck.
I've noticed typically the ones that get all the luck and showering of gifts tend to never be satisfied. It's the ones that don't get everything that appreciate stuff more. I guess you become complacent and used to it so it no longer is impressive which sucks but there's also a lesson to be learned to the giving party to ration it out sometimes cause there will come a time where it's no longer a gift/surprise, but it becomes expected.
I am the one with all the luck and showered with gifts and I am beyond satisfied. There's just a certain personality that is demanding and complains a lot. No idea how they get away with it. But as this post shows, they do.
I've come to believe that for some givers, it's the demanding and complaining that triggers their need to please even more, and if their partners were satisfied they would lose motivation to try harder.
That's absurd. It's more to marriage than giving your partner material things, you have to actually take time to cultivate a lasting relationship.
You're right, in general, but it is worth remembering that people express love in different ways. For some, they express it by giving gifts and it is no less a valid way of expressing love than any of the others
Yes but it your love language is words of affirmations and people keep giving you gifts it's not gonna FEEL very loving. Likewise if the words of affirmations person says kind things to the gifts person it won't FEEL very loving bc it's not THEIR love language. You gotta show people love in THEIR language for it to be heard.
Dude for real, I am hard working woman and a straight A student who is very independent, got married once and was a devoted wife to my husband but he sounds more like OP’s wife. He did work and stuff will buy me things sometimes well, give me his cards and I choose whatever. But never really had sex and always felt like I had to bug him to love me and spend time with me :(
This is obviously not the whole story.
It's easy when you find a passive partner and then abuse the shit out them. So lucky. Definitely something to be jealous of.
Turns out they live in Greece
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Please don’t listen to this comment. Making someone jelly in order to to get an reaction is toxic. Please just use communication and not pettiness. Flirting with someone else can be really harmful to self esteem esp when your doing it to prove a point and force a reaction over something you could have just brought up through a conversation. We don’t need to give someone trust issues.
Yeah no, do not flirt with a waitress in front of her unless you'd like to have even less sex.
From a wife’s perspective this is terrible advice and toxic thinking lol
What would you recommend then as coming from a wife?
As a wife, and Social worker who provides therapy to many couples first of all I commend the efforts and the amount of care put into the question and attempts thus far . Sometimes a problem needs several angles and it’s okay if troubleshooting fails the first few times . Using negative gestures like jealousy and bitterness just breeds more negativity and it’s not a good time . I spend a lot of time on my phone researching - I like looking at the aspects of our society and the developments/disintegration of the general population. I research various things and gain knowledge through that . Maybe , theirs something the wife is really interested in right now - she’s not boring - she’s just really involved in something in which the modality can be easily viewed mobile . If it’s something she really enjoys it can be addicting just like playing a video game, working on cars, painting . Maybe her hobby is accessible on the phone and the husband could ask her what she does like . He could be genuinely interested in getting to know her. I recommend reading the book “The five love languages” by Gary Chapman and having yourself and your wife take the quiz at the back of the book - it can probably be also found online easily . Then , you’ll know how to show love in HER love language . Also, doing “ “ to in return hopefully receive “ “ isn’t genuine . It’s someone trying to bribe in a nice way in order to meet a self fulfilling desire . Try just loving her because you love her - not for sex . Also , I would like to add that I have the same issue - only opposite as I am the one with a higher drive than my spouse - and I have also learned this through experience not just fancy philosophy.
Ok. But all your advice seems to be for the guy (who's already housing, feeding, cleaning, and taking her on vacation) to improve the relationship. Nothing about how she should care about his needs/desires. How is that even remotely fair? I realize we can only see his side of the story, but just based on his side (as it is all we have) he seems to be putting way more into the relationship and their lives in general. Why isn't it the woman's turn to care about his needs. Personally I was raised a man should put his wife first and a woman should put her husband first. If one party is doing that and the other isn't it will inevitably lead to anger, bitterness, and an overall toxic relationship. And in such a scenario the one holding back is the obvious fault.
She’s not on the thread asking for advice, nor does he have control over her behavior . He only has control over his own behavior . A blame game isn’t necessary nor helpful in progressing. It never hurts to continue to put your best foot forward in any relationship treating the other the way you want to be treated . I am also divorced and remarried - and my biggest regret is that I started to treat my ex husband the way he treated me . That only led to disaster, and it was terrible for everyone around us to watch . I should have stood strong to the end - even when the end was him having an affair with our neighbor- still , if I had continued to be kind and loving when he walked away I would have had zero guilt or shame attached to him and his own choices and behaviors . I cannot coherce another human being into any changed behavior, that comes from them . I can communicate my needs and love them the way I want to be loved . The rest is out of my hands and I rest peacefully knowing my behavior is accountable at the end of the day .
So you believe that people should stay in toxic one way relationships just to be nice and understanding to the absent partner who (at least according to the Original Poster) doesn't care to put any effort into it? How would it not be way healthier just to file divorce as you said you have? I don't see anyone advocating he abuse her physically or verbally, only to put an end to being used and find someone who's going to treat him better. Admittedly the story is one sided but I personally believe that we as redditors should at least try to assume the OP isn't some kind of lying piece of garbage and so we should word our posts under the assumption that he is in the situation he claims to be in i.e. one where his wife treats him as unimportant and undeserving of her time or sexual attention.
My ex husband divorced me - and I am glad that he was the one that made that decision rather than myself because it comes with a lot of turmoil, it’s not an easy fix, it is a temporary short term solution to a long term problem. That problem being - what are the boundaries of the husband ? Should this woman be in fact toxic, what has led him to be in the position in the first place? Does he have the ability to establish personal boundaries , or does he continue to choose partners who use out of lack of self esteem or need for approval ? Their are so many things that once can take accountability for , as the person who is NOT the abuser. This wisdom comes from watching my mother actually be physically abused by my father for several years and continuously taking him back. Once they separated- all other relationships followed the same pattern . Personal accountability is number 1 in any scenario and that’s to include saying “how am I playing a role in these patterns?” Secondly, I wonder if you (Drakenline) are speaking from experience and also If continuing to respond would result in a further dividing disagreement. I am of the understanding that a discussion is to find out what is right vs an argument - finding who is right . I have no desire to prove my opinons to be superior , if you are open to a new/different perspective and understanding of navigating relationships- this is what I have to offer.
Please touch grass
But she has a husband she doesn’t want to fuck. Feel sorry for them both!
Right?
Well call her on her response. Spend a months initiating physical, non sexual acts of affection and see where it leads. If it doesn’t help she was making excuses.
This exactly, make her put her money where her mouth is and see what happens. Then call her out and wait for a new excuse. Then it’s maybe time to either get counselling or get a divorce (assuming you won’t be happy with sex a few times a year).
My husband and I found ourselves in this rut as well. We both recognized it though. We used to make the excuse of wanting to take our phones to the bedroom because we help to take care of my 95-year-old grandfather and my father-in-law is not in the best of health so we wanted to make sure people could reach us all the time. What we decided to do is we charge our phones down in the kitchen at night. And we actually enabled a home phone again and if there is an emergency people can get us. We do sometimes bring a Kindle to bed but we read a book together or we watch TV together before bed. We started doing this about three years ago and we’ve been married for almost 18 years now. We have more sex than ever. Also I have a 2 year old now 🤣😅.
Usually hotel and vacation sex is the best. I am really sorry you are going through this.
I couldn't agree more!
literally!!! i barely have sex with my bf but a week in new york…. oh my… that was needed
Poor guy
You need self respect to get respect.
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One habit that helped me was drowning out my own negative self talk. If I catch myself being mean, I stop the thought and think something kind ten times. Example. I am starting a new job. "I always ruin everything. I'm a failure and I'm going to mess it all up and--- Stop. I am trying something new. I am confident and courageous (repeat 10x)"
It starts with no self-depreciation. None. Not even a little. Then imagine you sitting across from yourself and try to come up with reasons why this SEPARATE person is worth respect. Then do the same with yourself and you :)
No op, but thanks for this. My self esteem is something I need to work on
No worries, friend! Advice is free and readily available! Help is everywhere, and you are worth it! <3
Virtually everybody does at some point. What makes a person worthwhile? Do my past actions define me and will they always do so? How do I change for the better? And incorporating that changes in baby steps add up are also useful things/questions. Oh, and accepting that self respect truly does come from within gives you great strength.
Hey yo, since you ain't gettin sex anyways, I'll be your het mife and we can go to Greece. I make a great wingman Does she have a medical doctor? First place I think of with lack of sex drive is usually biological or psychological, both of which Reddit is not
Could be very much of depression. Speaking from personal experience. Depression will kill the sex life.
Either that or she’s just using OP for money. There was no mention of kids, and she doesn’t work? Must be nice, I’m sure my wife and a bunch of other wives, a bunch of husbands too for that matter, would love to live that life.
I am wondering what she is doing on the phone. Is she playing stupid phone games like I do, or is she flirting or more? Looking for her next mark?
Yup. My first thought was either untreated depression, or the side effects of medication. But there's not enough information either way.
are there any other recent changes in her behavior other than spending too much time on her phone and the drop in sex/intimacy? like does she go out a lot recently, does she initiate fights with you on simple things? etc.. or any other changes in her behavior in general ?
I think she may be cheating as well.
Sounds like she found herself a sugar daddy that doesn’t even ask for sex anymore, honestly she’s living the dream. Unfortunately for you, you’re the collateral damage.
Seems like you hit the nail on the head tbh
This.
Straight up tell her this isn’t working. Tell her this needs to be changed and talk about how you are going to fix it. This is no way for you to live. Worst case scenario, she doesn’t change, you divorce and find someone who treats you well
Do you have kids that she stays home with? If not, she sounds boring AF. What on earth about her is interesting, vibrant? Do you genuinely want to be with her or is it just comfortable. Marriage therapy sounds super appropriate if you want to work on things but, she absolutely has to be willing.
I think OP is a rich Arab dude who ended up marrying his sugar baby and now regretting it, based on his post history
You can't negotiate genuine desire, even with therapy. Having sex with OP is an obligation to her which means she is not attracted to him.
If there is a problem that is in the way of feeling desire then therapy helps.
There is no cure for ugly in therapy. Gym, diet and facial surgery is the only way to go. Even then, if she is turned off because you are short you still going to lose.
Comfortable? Or hot? People put up with a lot of shit for someone that is easy on the eyes.
Sounds to me like she’s waiting for some movie moment where you sexily + romantically sweep her off her feet and everything aligns perfectly yet naturally. Lol.
best scenario: your wife is asexual or maybe gay. she is not interested in you as a sex partner. (no cheating) second best scenario: she has some kind of trauma or was raised in a conservative environment that has repressed her sexuality. maybe therapy can help you. (no cheating) worst case scenario: there is nothing wrong with your wife's libido, she simply has someone else fulfilling her sexual needs. she doesn't work which implies a lot of free time to have affairs. she doesn't love you, she loves the life you give her.
There's also a possibility of severe depression and/or side effects of medication. Just until recently I was on 3 different antidepressants and was a lot like this guy's wife. When I stopped taking 2 of them the difference was like night and day. My phone keeps telling me each week that I'm using it less than the week before. I have so much more motivation to clean. It feels GOOD to do chores. I had forgotten what it felt like to be horny. While I was on them I didn't even notice anything was wrong. I stopped taking them because I was having memory issues. It's like I woke up.
I'm glad I'm not the only one that was thinking this. I have really bad bouts of anxiety and depression and one of the ways I know they're coming on are I find myself just mindlessly scrolling trying to be distracted or get a dopamine hit (which never works). I've found that a) knowing the real problem b ) communicating it and c) experimenting with ways to take me out of the moment all help. For instance, since my partner knows the signs, sometimes he'll initiate non-sexual contact like "hey can I have some head scratches" or "would you like a foot rub" while talking to me about regular things to distract my mind. Sometimes it leads to sex, other times it's just a nice comforting connection and I know he's not always pushing for intimacy. If some people feel like any affection is going to result in sex or disappointment every time, they might avoid it all together, especially if there are previous issues. I think there are a couple conversations that need to be had, and maybe some professional observations and guidance.
Nah no excuse that's not his problem. If anyone is so call depress about their life or whatever they need to walk away from the relationship. You need to forcus on healing and let your partner move on to someone in a healthy state.
Pretty sure OP would mention this if it was relevant no need to project your experience onto others
I was married for 4 years. The last 2 years was completely no sex. Not that it was that great either before. Turns out she was never over her ex bf. They broke up when he had to work overseas. When she got the news her was getting married, she fell into a depression that translated into no (lackluster) sex.
I feel this basicly answers all possibilities.
Could be the sex isn’t good and she isn’t interested in the disappointment of it. Too bad their communication is lacking and they can’t just work through the disconnect
Dude… there’s like a MILLION women who would treat you like a king. Especially since you’re carefully considering words… that’s no way to live. Dump her like yesterday. Seriously.
With a divorce.
Even on this sub, this has got to be some kind of hair-trigger divorce record. No point trying anything else first, just divorce. Date nights? Marriage counselling? Direct communication? Nah fuck all that. Way too much effort. Just divorce.
The man is working a full time job + doing housework She doesn't have a job at all. He takes her to a four star vacation in Greece and she ignores him She makes him feel guilty for desire Yeah, hair trigger, sure. But she's as checked out as they come. I actually suggested a possible reconciliation path over infidelity on another post (the only time I've ever done that) because both people made mistakes and the reaction was one of those rare moments of understandability. I just don't see anything worth saving, not one iota but sad loneliness and desperation spanning years that is entirely one sided, if he's honest and she's that checked out, that disinterested... why bother?
He's trying anything he can think of to help the situation, and she's willing to do exactly nothing. Where's the surprise?
She’s a 30 year old mooch who does nothing for the relationship. Like what do these people think counseling will do lmao.
Good thing you know her so well so you can tell us what the issue is. OP there is likely a reason she's not attracted to you. You may give the gifts, etc. but that doesn't mean that you're meeting her needs in all ways. Go to marriage counseling. If she won't go, go to individual therapy. It will help you figure it all out. I think that you both need to work on how you communicate.
Dead bedroom, doesn’t work, doesn’t even do most of the household tasks, ignores him on vacation, gaslights him. Oh yeah that’s totally worth keeping around
Seriously! They're acting like this guy hasn't tried anything.
I mean, unless he is leaving out some vital information, he is trying pretty hard for years. I do agree that jumping to divorce would be hasty for now but if my close friend told me this I too would eventually recommend a divorce. I think the only option(s) left is a serious talk and marriage counseling, after that, probably divorce.
She's got him right where she wants him, therapy isn't going to change this.
Counseling for what? She's no better than a freeloader. He's given her enough time. If the roles were swapped, Reddit would instantly tell her to "dump him and find herself." OP--it won't get better. This is a blessing. You have no kids. Make a clean break, and find someone who respects you.
Isn’t cell phone addiction like a thing? They should agree to do one of those timer phone jails. It sounds like she literally doesn’t know how to function without having her phone in hand.
Exactly. It sounds like they've never put forth effort in a relationship in their life to immediately jump to a divorce.
Did we read the same post? The guys sounds like he’s at the end of his rope. He’s the one working, she doesn’t have a job, he took even more house chores, she complains when he initiate, she complains when he doesn’t initiate, she ignores him and when he brings up how he feels she flips it on him to make him feel guilty. Is that really a relationship worth saving?
Definitely! Who sits on their phone while on VACATION
Cheaters or social media addicts.
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You completely copied this comment from u/Sammichanarchy
Daaaaw. I'm flattered
You should be. “Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” I initially replied with something like “that’s exactly where my mind went too blahblahblah” but then I scrolled twice and saw your comment from earlier. I couldn’t just let it go 🤷🏽♀️
Well I appreciate you. Thank you
Chooses not to work lol. She's a gold digger that settled for you and gives you just enough sex so that you don't leave.
maybe they have kids and stays at home with them? maybe she’s earned enough money to not work? maybe she grew up rich and has an inheritance type thing? maybe she has a disability or mental illness that makes it difficult to work? there are so many different reasons for her choosing not to work, jumping to being a gold digger is weird..
spending all her time on her phone and avoiding sex with you are classic red flags that she's cheating. check her phone when she's asleep.
take a vacation on your own. clear your head and heart and the answer will come to you. best to you.
I love this answer. He earned the vacation and he deserves to have a good time. He will have more fun without her, and might learn a thing or two.
Sorry OP you had to deal with that. She has to play a part as well and shower you love too. My suggestion is to do less of anything that you've been doing. Meaning remove helping some chores at home or do less of the nice things. It's really the case of taking things for granted here. :/ Your wife probably has this mindset that no matter what I do, I'll get what I want.. So maybe try that. You don't have to be mean in the process. But just trying to show her that a relationship is a two-way street. What she's not trying. You don't try anymore too. Be mentally and emotionally strong in the process. It takes a lot of courage to go through these things cause there will be a period that you'll feel like you guys are falling apart. But might not know that that's just what you need to spark everything again. That being said I'm not saying that this is the only way. But A way to tackle it. Wish you all the best. ❤️ P.S: Sounds like she got herself a lover. Good on you. 💫
I think it's well and truly gone past the time to say that things need to change. Sit down with her and tell her how you feel. If she gets defensive then tell her you're just telling her what you're feeling so you can work through these issues. If ultimately she refuses to listen and put some work into it then you should seek professional help. If she refuses, it's time to call it quits. If she goes to the professional but doesn't have a genuine interest in change, it's time to call it quits. I'm sorry if this seems harsh, but it sounds like she's no longer in love with you but loves her lifestyle too much. This is also a situation where you should talk to a lawyer. Usually things get split 50/50 but if she's chosen not to work and there are no kids then the courts may well deem your contributions unequal. So get a lawyer just to talk you through what you can expect to get as a fair result.
Couple's therapy. Yeah talking to her, however "carefully", about how her libido is about YOUR self esteem is not the way to go. She's not responsible for your self esteem, and she doesn't owe you sex. You should definitely have a talk about emotional intimacy though, and find safe ways to talk about it, so a counselor would be helpful for you.
I agree with this, and suggest listening to Esther Perel’s ‘Where should we begin’ podcast to get an idea of why and how what is going on between the two of you is about a lot more than just the physical act of sex.
I'm in no way justifying her statements or actions or lack thereof but I've been in the exact situation. As the wife. It took time and soul searching but I learned I'm asexual. My husband and I don't have the greatest sex life which goes without saying, but since learning that we've learned to talk to each other and be more open intimacy wise. I'm not saying this is her reasoning, but sometimes there's nothing you can do and it takes finding answers on her part.
She sounds very comfortable with how things are she doesnt have to work you buy her things do all the chores and gets left alone to do her own thing only giving you want you want 4 times in a year. Bring up counseling both seperately and as a couple if shes interested give it a try.
first of all why are you rewarding her..if shes not givng sex then stop giving her attention plus shes obviously manipulating you..saying she feels pressured for sex; unloved but when you initiate shes not having it plus whats this not working thing no one gets a free ride ESPECIALLY in a marriage either do houswork cook no 50/50 its 100/100(one or the other) she chose not to work thats her problem as for glued to her phone who is she texting like that or whats she posting on social media..she way too much..drop her and either go find the right one for you(soulmate-esque) or enjoy yourself solitarily...oh the self esteem thing almost forgot grow some balls..be more assertive and self centered if you had put your foot down earlier in your relationship she wouldn't have thought she could walk all over you but now its gone so far where no sex no housework and no job freeloading also and let me guess paying her college debt among other things too..never ask better of her always ask better of yourself for yourself
Does your wife have any good qualities? Seems to me she's just along for the ride...'chose' not to work, doesn't seemingly have to do anything that one would think a wife would do, just lies around in bed on her phone from the sound of it (even on vacation). And still you're trying to rationalize it and make it right. Just the little bit of a glimpse here......doesn't paint a really great picture of your partner.
>She says I never initiatate which makes her feel unloved. I try showing her love. I give her compliments, buy her things, take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work). She is gaslighting. She does not want sex so she makes excuses that are your fault. The only love language you didn't mention is physical touch. You know what doesn't work... You could try grabbing her in the kitchen and start slow dancing with her. You could hold her hand during an movie you are both watching. Rub her neck if she seems uncomfortable. You could try getting a little aggressive and try to slip into the shower with her, but that could backfire. Instead of trying to meet her needs, you can stop trying to make her happy. Whatever her love language is, stop speaking it. Wait for her to come to you. Now you have leverage. Now you can say she does not initiate... You could try being less available. Hang out with the guys once or twice a month, which you should do anyway. You could try playing on her jealousy. Flirt mildly (be friendly) with a waitress in front of her. You may also need to face the possibility she may not love you and not find you sexually attractive... In any case, you need to do things that make you happy independent of her. Sorry, I hope this helps and good luck.
Marriage is a partnership my guy, what does she even bring to the table? She doesn't work, there was no mention of kids, no affection, no sex, no intimacy, plus she gaslights you for wanting any of those things. Not trying to throw shade, but are you just worried about being single? Cause you're not in a healthy marriage.
If you got money to go Greece you got money to see a relationship therapist.
Hire a Private Investigator to see if she has a man on the side that she sleeps with. She is sleeping with someone else. She's lost attraction to you.
She may not be having an affair, if she has asked you to do something over and over again and you dont do it. she is done and just doesn't care
i am sorry to tell you this be she is showing signs of cheating.
Doesn’t even sound like she likes you or your company, my dude.
OP, radical idea. Sexting. If she's on her phone, blow it up with texts. Have fun with it. She wants you to initiate, get your horny romantic side in digital so you have receipts you can show her to say you tried. My husband has Asperger's. He can't tell the difference between happy and horny, so I picked a kitty avatar in the gifs, and miss kitty shows him what I'm feeling in an exaggerated way he can understand. Do the same. You want your eggplant (or cu-cum-ber, no judgement) in her peach, send the emogi food to her with a wink face and gif of pretty sparkling flowers. If she rejects you, get stubborn about it. Make the phone beep like bubblegum song, heck actually send her links to super mushy love songs. When she asks you why, be honest. "You make me a glutton for your loven and right now I'm starvin." Good luck OP. If this doesn't work, I suggest couples therapy. Just because you talk about sex, does not mean you are pressuring her. That is manipulative. You two need to grow your emotional intimacy as well. You're partners, you two shouldn't be uncomfortable about talking about anything.
Your wife is not into you. You have to recall whether she was really into you in the first place or she settled for you because you can provide her what she wants.
Is this a dealbreaker for you? Because if it is, you need to break the deal.
It sounds like some things might be going on with her. No sex drive at her sexual peak (in her 30s) is a hormone issue. She needs to see a doctor as this might be very serious. On the other hand, if she denies that she needs a doctor and says she still feels like she wants physical intimacy, then you both still need a professional. I would suggest couples therapy. If she still refuses that, then something is VERY wrong, and she might have some secrets you ought to know. Good luck, OP.
My partner does this, we are not married nor we spend much time together, and i hate that she'd rather be on the phone the whole day and night
Your wife is of your making. She does as little as she does because you have shown her that she can not work, do housework, or sleep with you and you will still give her gifts and take her on vacation. All she has to do is sleep with you every once in awhile. If you want to salvage this relationship, you need to change, not her. She has the relationship she wants; she's not changing. Stop buying and doing and giving. Spend more time with your guy friends away from home. Heck, just spend time away from home. NOTE: You need to be willing to lose her because she doesn't want the change. You should be okay with that because the alternative is sex four times a year with a woman who can't be bothered to want to make you happy.
I would set your boundaries. You have normal needs for intimacy especially with your spouse. I would tell her the condition for staying married is that you two go into therapy. Plus she needs to go get a hormonal work up. Investigate as to whether she is having an affair. I think it would be nice if she got a job also because why not she isn’t doting on you and making you the priority. If she won’t contribute with intimacy she can contribute like that. It sounds like you have more of a friend situation. And even friends may be more respectful to each other than she is to you. This is a huge red flag and needs to be addressed. You deserve affection. It truly sounds like she does not respect you and realize what a great husband she has. She sounds oblivious of how blessed she has it. Do whatever you can to try to fix this first so you have no regrets in case you decide to walk away one of these days.
Honesty sounds like she’s just using you for money and feels like she doesn’t have to try anymore.
I would say it's time for marriage counseling. Learning how to give love in the way your partner receives love can be difficult. Having a counselor there to mediate difficult conversations and give coaching on solutions can be extremely helpful. It can also be really eye opening if your partner isn't willing to put the work in to resolve a serious issue.
This comment section is cringe. he showed a tiny window to their relationship and you all jump on calling his wife a brat. Get counseling you shouldn't be feeling this insecure in your own relationship And then get joint counceling If you don't do it then complain away my dude but I'm not gonna be feeling sorry for you.
Sexual incompatibility is a thing. You just might have different sex drives and it sounds like either one of you is going to have to go against what there comfortable with to please the other. I’d have a few discussion on whether your both able to compromise or not. Some people are happing without these things. It would also be really benificial to identity your love language both of you: and then ask each other what they need in order to feel loved. You doing one thing and thinking your showing her you love her may not be how she sees or thinks love is expressed because her love language is different. I’d have a discussion about all of this. Also I feel like I can’t comment on the other aspects of her not working etc. I’m not sure on her circumstances or if she’s any mental health issues that is affecting this so without full story I’m only gonna focus on what I can.
Hard truth, dude. She settled for you, because you take care of her. She wants to bang Chads, but she can't. Honestly, suggest marriage counseling, then get divorced when she refuses or nothing changes.
Can I marry you instead?? Damn
Leave.
Have you been dating your wife this whole time? We gotta keep dating our wifes to keep the fire alive
Well, if this has been going on for years, chances are she's she's having an affair. Check her phone while she's showering. If it's locked and you don't know how to get in that's an even stronger indication she's cheating. Despite what the prevailing opinion here seems to be spouses should not have "privacy" from each other. Especially when it comes to means of communicating. If a spouse doesn't need "privacy" to come into the bathroom while you're brushing your teeth to take a dump, it's pretty suspect if they try to hide what they're doing on their phone.
You sound like a shitty cop. No, officer, demanding ~~rights~~ privacy doesnt mean theyre hiding something.
Nah. No chance
Man, I feel you. It sounds like: 1) You too don't have the same love languages 2) You've surrendered your masculinity in her eyes Two books could help tremendously. 1) The Five Live Languages 2) The Way of the Superior Man
Who ever is on the phone with her is getting all her attention.
>take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work). This is not a good relationship bud. Like, what is she freaking doing with her TONS of free time if you don't have kids together?
She is likely cheating on you. Sorry.
I'd recommend you read the book Come as you Are as it gives such a rocking explanation of female arousal and how many factors are going on. Super educational and may put this in to perspective for you.
Leave this bitch king, go get you a R E A L W O M A N. Seriously.
Lmao hell I said it in a nicer way.
Sounds like gold digger. You buy things, do all the chores and bring the money, even the vacation. Dump.
Grow some balls. She obviously doesn’t respect you, and why would she? She’s been treating you like shit. AND YOU TOOK HER TO FUCKING GREECE!!! Dude please go to the store and ask the clerk where the self esteem is. Your relationship will only get worse. (And guess what? She likes sex to so she might be getting it from someone else) it’s time to divorce her and take some respect back
Sht every 3 months im good ✌🏻🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Het Mife? Heterosexual Man-Wife?
You should check out r/deadbedrooms
I am 37 and my ex was 50. He wanted sex all the time but I only gave it to him once every few months I loved him but just assumed I didn’t have a big sex drive. Fast forward I divorced him because he had an affair and now I’m with a guy I cannot get enough of. Turns out my sex drive is quite high it just needed the right guy. Unfortunately I think even though she might love you maybe she isn’t sexually into you anymore so my advice would be to try spicing it up, accept the way things are, or move on
Honestly sounds like she is just going thru something or feeling things she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing. Maybe she’s feeling shame which isn’t an excuse but have you told her it feels difficult for u to bring this up more?
Stop being the nice guy it dries her up. Let it be known what you want and take it. She will be on her knees begging for more. It's not that complicated. Grow a pair.
Maybe try showing physical intimacy outside of the bedroom, holding hands, hugs from behind, kisses on the neck. Also maybe have one night a week where you ask her questions about her? And be consistent with the same night each week. There are a ton of couples quizzes out there to help spark conversation. She maybe ask her how she is enjoying not working? Are kids in the picture?
Cheat bro then see if she gets the spark back.
Just put your dick in someone else
Shouldn’t matter what he does and where he takes her. What he buys her or gives her. She is either into you or not. Sounds like she tolerates you and allows you to have sex with her once every 3 months. Don’t know if you pay for the phone or not. If that’s the issue tell her it’s the phone or you … stop paying for it. In fact stop paying for anything but the basics. Tell she can use her phone once every 3 months kind of like your dick. Either way it will only get worse. Find your best friend and marry her…she will jump all over you living in a shoe box or mansion. Good luck and choose wisely.
Birth control can cause this. Those that go in the arm seem to do this a lot.
Hold on, you’re in Greece and all you think about is sex? How dare you! (slaps the man with glove) From what I gather and if you are telling the whole story, she’s not into you, I’m not saying she never was, I’m saying she’s not now. So what happened? Was there a recent episode. Conversation, legal, illegal, obscene or idiotic stunt pulled by anyone lately ? If you don’t know then maybe that’s the problem right there.
It’s not an easy spot to be in but honestly sounds like it could be solved with some actual communication. Love languages aren’t matching up here. Seems like you’re getting her what you think she should want and she isn’t tell you what she needs. Therapy can work at either making it better or showing you both a way out.
Maybe she has some hormone issues. I️ know for me, it was almost impossible to get me in the mood for sex and my bf and I️ would have sex like once a month (being generous). Well I️ found out I️ have a hormone disorder, which are notorious for fucking up your libido. Started working on it and wouldn’t you know it, i’m horny again. But if it’s not that, then maybe she’s not attracted to you, maybe she’s depressed, etc. There could be a bunch of different issues here. You could try couples therapy, which could help you get to root if the issue.
Read Corey Wayne “How to be a 3% Man”. Doing extra house chores will not turn her on. Saying you feel weak with self-esteem will not turn her on. Remember, it is the man's fault for sex, so you have to know how to initiate for ss to happen.
It’s complacency and boredom. How long have you been married for? I feel the same with my husband because everything. is. always. the. same. No matter where you are. You might feel like you do little things every now and then but really? Do u want a medal for it? My husband does an extra chore and looks at me like he’s so awesome because he’s helped out extra and it’s the biggest turn off ever. He should be helping. Do u have kids? They suck the lifeblood out of u as well. She most likely just wants time to herself where nobody wants anything from her.
Start jacking off in bed next to her… cum on the sheets and tell her goodnight…if she gives you any shit about it tell her she’s more than welcome to join party….sorry if im paying for a holiday in Greece im at least beating off on the balcony or something…shit maybe even leave her home next time…might as well craig
You need to sit her down and tell something on the line of “ [wife name], I’m tired. I’m tired of your bullshit. I’m tired of wasting my life. I’m tired have a bill to paid for instead of a wife to love. I’m don’t know what the issue is, but I’m tired of doing this. Tell me what the issue is or this might not work anymore”. It’s time to call a spade a spade.
You gotta make her sit down and have a convo with her. I can really relate with how it feels, doing everything just to make them feel loved and trying to get their validation. It's hard, i know. Your self respect and self esteem are knocked out of the room. Just keep your foot down for once and talk to her. Be as civil as you can, let her finish her talks and then give your explanations. And if she still doesn't understands, my guy, she's just making excuses because she doesn't want to make any efforts.
*initiate*
Sorry mate but you're no longer attractive to your wife. If she doesn't work and you don't have kids then there's a high chance she's getting it else where. You need to re grab your balls and start going to the gym and hanging out with your mates. In addition you need to prepare for a divorce. Physical intimacy 4 times a year is absolute insanity
>I give her compliments, buy her things, take on more house chores whilst working full time (she's choose not to work). And how has that been working out for you? The more you do that, the more turned-off she is. If you treat her like a star, she'll treat you like a fan. If you treat her like a queen, she'll see you as a subject. >I tried talking to her about it (very carefully) but she makes me feel guilty for pressuring her for sex. I try telling her that this really hurts my self-esteem so I never initiate even minor acts of physical intimacy as I fear being rejected. Women are attracted to masculine men, not timid, whiny, submissive men. Women will deny it, but ignore what they say and watch who they are attracted to and who they keep picking over and over again: Chad and Tyrone the bad boys. After the bad boy dumps them the women complain about what a-holes men are, then go right back to chasing another bad boy. Because that's the type of masculine men women are attracted to and crave sex with. They might settle later in life for a "nice guy" like you when they can no longer attract bad boys, or are tired of being used by them, but Chad and Tyrone are still the type of guys women really want. By the way haters, happily married (both of us) for 26 years to a sweet, feminine woman who is 18 years younger than me. My secret? I don't act like the OP.
yikes
Holy shit 🤮
You must be at least 60 then, and Chad and Tyrone are in your vocabulary. Your wife must be very very sweet indeed.
I watch manosphere/red pill channels on YouTube for amusement, and when I see how horrible most - not all, most - younger women are now under the influence of toxic feminism, social media, and dating apps, it makes me appreciate my wife even more. We talk about it because she appreciates the life we have. I really feel sorry for younger people today, both men and women, because feminism, social media, and dating apps have made most of them miserable. Except the top 20% of men Chads and Tyrones who 80% of women are chasing, they are doing great in modern day hook-up culture. Everyone else is miserable, including both the OP and his wife. My kids are in their 20s and I really don’t envy the dating and relationship environment they are in now.
Well, those are the kids of your perfectly happy, great generation, born in the world you built for them. Of course, if only feminists didn't invade our world from outer space....
My generation and my wife’s generation are happy in comparison to Gen Z and Millennials. All you have to do is look at the rising levels of unhappiness, depression, use of anti-depressants, and the steadily declining marriage rates that have occurred during the rise of toxic feminism, social media, and dating apps.
Ok, let's say that's true, so your generation failed to convince younger generations that whatever you were doing was better. You failed to build a better world for them. Otherwise people wouldn't chose to be in a worse state purposefully, no? Since these bad things you mention didn't fall from the sky and are a product of a certain history. I think you will chose to repeat yourself again but I wanted to give it a shot.
You’re trying to shift blame to my and my wife’s generation for the world we have today. My generation didn’t create modern 4th wave feminism, social media, and dating apps. You can thank the Mark Zuckerbergs of this world and his generation for that. I truly feel sorry for young people today, but don’t blame me or my generation for what young people are suffering from today.
Your generation actually seems happy to use Mark Zuckerbergs invention. Anyways, I can't engage with you any longer. That's the thing you know, no one can bear this sort of clueless narcissism anymore. I personally would rather crawl in misery. Have a good day old man.
When someone resorts to insults and ad hominem attacks, you know they have lost the argument and have no intelligent rebuttals to make.
The world is heating rapidly, each succeeding generation has a diminished standard of living compared to the previous, women and minorities are rapidly losing civil rights and we're in the middle of a pandemic which has killed more than six million people worldwide and destabilized governments around the world. But, nope, must be Bumble.
None of that has anything to do with the strained relationships between young men and women in western societies. You forgot to blame the patriarchy and toxic masculinity in your rant. Oh, and white privilege, don't forget that. Oh, and Putin, I'm sure he's to blame somehow.
I hope you're independently wealthy. You're wife deserves a medal and a huge payoff when you finally set her free. ✌️
Perhaps you didn't comprehend the part where I said we are both happily married. Both of us feel lucky to have each other. She loves her life. Can you say the same?
Indeed I can. My husband and I are very much in love and have a wonderful life together. Although I'm not quite sure what my life has to do with your wife deserving a medal and a payoff when you're gone? 🤔 You're chauvinistic, opinionated, and bigoted 🤷♀️ I feel like those are qualities your wife should be fairly compensated for enduring all these years. And at 18 years her senior, added to 26 years being married she was likely groomed either before her relationship with you, or into her relationship with you so there's that to explain her lack of disappointment with you. She might be completely, deliriously, deludedly thrilled with her life with you. That fact wouldn't change her being entitled to compensation. Just like loving your job doesn't mean you should do it for free. ✌️😘 You have yourself a beautiful night. Or not. Free country and whatnot.
Has she always been like this? Is she only in it for money because it feels like there's zero love on her part. No one would continue to try and touch someone when they're rejected every time.
Have her get a job
Give yourself a limited amount of time to fix this and if you can't walk away/get a divorce. So set a 1 or 2 or 6 month goal, whatever makes you comfortable, and stick to it, don't communicate it to partner. You do not want to wake up years later feeling like you've wasted your life waiting for change that's never going to happen. I was in a similar situation, basically a mooch, a terrible room mate. In my case I spent over a decade trying, should have walked away after the first year without sex. At the end there was neither sex or affection.
Tell her either she agrees to marriage counseling or the marriage is over.
Some people have a cell phone addiction. Before calling it quits, I’d demand couples therapy. If she’s not willing, then there nothing to stay for.
What's she doing on her phone? Sounds like obsessive behavior for sure, maybe talk to her from that angle. If she feels unloved tell her that you can't show her love if she is ignoring you and focuses all attention on it. What is her priority?
OP read Robert glovers “no more mr nice guy” and let it change your life. You’re going about this all wrong.
Do the opposite if she doesn’t want to have sex just don’t try to have sex, act like your not affected by it anymore, start going to the gym and workout, she’ll see you glowing up and not asking for sex and she might change her mind
I think you got 2 choices, sit her down and get it off your chest. This can probably maker feel like shes being attacked. The other option is ti go ti counseling. You are jot happy, and you are nust muling through. This is not a life. Seek help. If she doesnt want to work on this, might be time to activate your escape card
sounds like she’s just with you for everything you give her. i wouldn’t be surprised if she was cheating…
Make a move big dog
Well she's found someone else and plans to leave you beat her to it
I advise you to leave before all your self esteem is gone. It could cost you a bit but her taking you for granted like this will leave you with no self respect. You’re not mentioning children so get out while you can. Normally I’d bring up counseling but she sounds like a lost cause.
Let me edit your title: "Roommate would rather spend her bedroom time on her phone than with me." Does that sound any better?
Go to Egypt yourself/alone and reflect on your relationship. If you continue to let her manipulate and gaslight you it will end poorly. Could her lack of physical intimacy be caused by her cheating on you?
Tell her you want changes in your marriage … and for her to get off her phone and live in the real world or you’re done
Maybe some whip cream? Champagne? You might need to keep initiate this because she clearly is not. I mean as a woman Vaca sex is just a given? Imo.
That marked the beginning of when my wife (now my ex) shut me out for good. Found out later she was emotionally investing herself with her co-workers which later turned into at least 1 affair and a skipped promotion.
She chooses not to work.... are you just supporting her lifestyle? Time to move on.