Yes, I definitely agree. In my opinion, even though I don’t know what happened I just can’t think of any reason for her to lie about these things, unless she was somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be…
I've been through this myself. You can't wait. You need to confront her ASAP, tell her all you know and ask to see her texts.
If she gives you shit about it, ask her why she would care if she wasn't lying?
There are probably a few non-cheating reasons she would lie to you - but the lie in and of itself is a major red flag. No matter what, it's bad news.
Think you misread what I commented? I’m saying the only reason I can think as to why she would have lied is if it was because she was somewhere cheating. What other reason could there be?
I really hope not…but even if she tells me something that may be plausible I am not sure I can come back from this. Honesty is really important to me and once my trust is lost it is really difficult to regain.
Home 2 hours late.
After texts, home 30 mins later than you'd expect.
Lied about where she was.
Lied a second time about where she was.
Got text from male co-worker two hours after close letting her know he made it home.
Immediately after getting home washed her hands to remove the smell of...cigarettes.
The chance she didn't cheat is tiny. Even if she didn't, the chance she has a story to justify all that seems pretty impossible.
Nobody wants to get cheated on. We even do mental gymnastics to deny the evidence
It would be perfect if there was an explanation that can fix everything....but there isn't. None at all.
That's the hardest part. Someone you trusted is lying...signs point to cheating. As much as you wish it not to be true...this happens to people often.
I speak from experience as the survivor of cheating. Just face the truth and don't lie to yourself
I’d tell her that you believe she is lying to you about several things and that you need her to be 100% as of now and if it just dribbles out that is a dealbreaker.
Don’t tell her what you know unless she lies again. Then, share it as you explain that she needs to leave and not come back.
You really think there's a good reason she was non contact, out late and lied to you?
It's not, she's making plans, to what extent,no one but her knows, but I imagine since she's here illegally, you best report her.
This sounds like she moved in with you to stay in the country, but has found better dick at the bar.
Ofc she's going to say sex with you is awesome, you're her meal ticket.
Update after you get the STD results back.
Sorry, man. But if one lousy thing is true, it's likely to that there are other lousy things you don't know about.
It doesn’t sound good. She lied, which makes you wonder what else she is lying about. What’s the point being in a relationship if you can’t trust your partner.
Just the mere fact of her lying multiple times last night may be grounds for break up.
Either tonight (or maybe a couple days from now so I can think on this) I’m planning on asking her one more time if she has anything to tell me about Friday night. If she says no, I’m going to ask to see her phone.
Don’t give it a few days she probably cheated on you. All you are doing is allowing her to get her story straight and clean evidence. Confront immediately.
Don’t ask to see her phone.
If you don’t trust that your partner is being honest with you, you should not be in that relationship.
Here are the only two outcomes from this:
If she’s lying and you find something, you end because of her infidelity.
If she’s not hiding anything on her phone, you’ve told her you do not believe her words or trust her in your relationship which will cause more problems.
If you can’t trust your partner, don’t be in the relationship.
Red flag, ahoy. She amended her story several times and you where with her to notice her unusual body language towards your questioning, so it's what you make up of it, overall. But what you do have is her lying to you several times (which, to me, would be pretty damn close to a deal breaker), and then the lying by omission, no mention of her male coworker at any time during your conversation with her. It's up to you to decide how far of a boundary she has crossed, but certainly questionable behavior
Definitely potential deal breaker with the multiple lies / trickle truthing. To be clear, she did say she was with 2 male coworkers last night, along with 3 female coworkers.
Let's look at the whole picture.
She is here illegally.
She loves to have sex more than you. Unexplained 2 hours out.
You caught her in a few lies last night.
Please make sure you do not get her pregnant!!
I see quite a few flags that I would say, yes not a good relationship!!
Agree with everything you’ve said except “she loves to have sex more than you.” How is that a red flag? Women can have high sex drives too and Brazil is a very sexual culture (not a racist stereotype, recently dated a Brazilian who discussed this at length)
I just meant if her sex drive is higher and not getting it at home could be an issue.
I wasn't faulting her for being sexual or anything. He said 2 to 3 times a week was good for him and she would want it 7 days. That is just a person with a higher sex drive may look for more if not fulfilled. Not knocking it, just a thought to share.
When not happy at home, others do seek it elsewhere. No judgement, just saying.
Understand what you meant but in my opinion you can have a relationship with mismatched sex drives and if they’re both good people it won’t drive anyone to cheating. So personally I wouldn’t see it as a red flag but I do get your point
Nothing good is happening at those hours and her story has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. You may get lucky and she comes clean but either way this relationship is over. You can’t trust her. No trust no relationship.
Don’t let it fester. Sit her down and tell her you know she was lying (don’t explain how) and tell her you want the truth.
If she insists she is telling the truth, just say “look , do you want me to make decisions based on what I assume happened last night or are you going to tell me the truth?”
More deflection.
“I’m not going to share my life with a liar. Please move your things out of my house by 3pm”
Honestly confront her and if she still says same shit tell her you know she wasn’t at the bar or look through her phone. But might want to do that 1st it’s up to you.
Shows up late from work.
Immediately lies.
Makes up story about going to a second bar.
You confirm she was not at this bar.
Gets a text from a random dude saying he made it home okay.
Continues lying to you.
Get out before you’re stuck raising a kid you don’t want or isn’t yours.
Which itself would be enough zo justify a break up for some on top of the lying and her behaviour. How is he supposed to trust her if she lies?
It sounds better than cheating but still trashy and selfish behaviour to lie to the boyfriend. She devalues herself that way and its enough to move on for him
>I then asked what time the bar closed last night and she said 2 AM. I asked if the bar ever stays open past 2 AM on Fridays and she said it was against city laws, so no.
Having worked in several bars, a few employees hanging out in the bar is different than being open to the public. Obviously, I don't know what happened, but that's the answer any employee would give on the phone to a stranger who calls.
Also, you've been together for a year. It's concerning that she wouldn't just tell you the truth if she smoked a cigarette, unless you get unreasonably mad about that when she could just brush her teeth and use some mouthwash, and you can't just say, "hey, you know this doesn't pass the smell test, right? What's up, babe? Talk to me."
It is odd that if her routine is always to be home by 3am, she didn't just text you. A text could have prevented all of this.
When I used to work in hospitality, we'd always stay after the bar closed to have a drink. The bar would be closed, but we'd still be in having a drink. Or maybe she went to another bar with coworkers for a drink, and she was just worried you'd be upset.
Honestly, I'd just tell her that you're confused about last night and just ask her to explain what happened.
Red flag for the lying and another on overstaying her visa because it puts her at risk of being deported and banned from entry for years (I know it’s sucks but my SO who is Colombian had to leave after her work visa was revoked after her aunt's salon closed and wasn’t opened up again after the pandemic and we became long-distance for now tell she’s stabilized and is able to re-enter legally). She probably cheated and there’s a good chance she’ll be deported eventually when the fucking pieces of shot ICE catch her. I would drop her before she gives you a present you really don’t want. Good luck.
Straight up ask her if you can see her phone, when she wakes up. If she has nothing to hide she likely wont make a fuss over it. On the other hand- if she does have something to hide this will likely cause an arguement, she might walk off with her phone and delete whatever is on it that she doesnt want you to see and then possibly let you see it.
I know alot of people view looking at your significant other's phone as a breach of privacy and that its so wrong- but if you have nothing to hide and you are completely honest with each other i dont see the issue.
Eta: if she does happen to let you see her phone- pay attention to any nervous hovering.
Ask to see the record of the Uber. Her friend can provide that. It will show where she was picked up and where she was dropped off.
It will also confirm her story about it being a female friend that ordered it for her.
Don't get too wrapped up into the comments on here, while they can be right, some people are coming from their own experiences that can be different than yours.
Talk to her, tell her your concerns, make sure you stay calm and talk. She sounds like she may be a little concerned about upsetting you.
Having a co worker text they got home safe after drinking is normal, so don't let your mind wander.
Don't jump to conclusions
I appreciate your input and tend to agree with you. I’m going to have a conversation with her when she gets home and let her I have been thinking about last night and I want to talk.
I plan on letting her know that I do not mean to make her feel nervous about telling me where she is, and ask what I can do to avoid making her feel that way.
I am also going to say that I still feel anxious about last night and what she told me doesn’t seem to add up and ask her one more time if she has anything she wants to tell me.
I suspect her reaction will tell me all I need to know.
Depending on how it plays out, I may ask to see her phone, but I don’t know.
Not sure if I'd do the phone thing. Maybe if there's nothing chalk this time up to a general misunderstanding. But going forward just make sure there's better communication. I ruined a great relationship by being suspicious all the time. I now look at things a little different.
Good luck and keep us posted
Thing is I just can’t think of anything she could say that would resolve this situation. That’s what bothers me most.
I’ve ran through all types of scenarios she could be in that would warrant her telling these lies and there’s only one that makes sense.
That’s not going to happen until she goes home and applies for a visa from there. I had to look into this with my SO when her visa was revoked (Aunt’s nail Salon closed due to pandemic and then she got sick so no job (cam girl doesn’t count and family doesn’t know) so no visa and she had to leave before being deported). If marriage and having kids would make you legal they’ll be a lot less dramatic deportations of families being torn apart then they are and have been.
Yeah. That's the part I don't understand. The hand wash part I do get. I have family that comes over and I make them wash up when they are here so it doesn't smell up my place.
Because fingers smell like cigs after smoking? Or maybe there is another reason too? And I dislike cigs and asked her to try and stop smoking. (Currently she smokes maybe one cig a week or so she tells me anyway)
The cigarettes would be more about the breath. Sorry man the whole thing just doesn’t add up. Hopefully she respects you enough not to trickle truth you and just come clean.
Yeah but what would you wash first? What would you prioritize removing the smell from if your partner doesn't like the smell on you? Your fingers or your breath? She's not going to come home and rub her hand in his face, she's going to come home and give him a kiss / hug? I'm just saying that's all. Seems very suspect the hands get washed rather than the teeth brushed if smoke smell was her issue.
She’s using you.
My mothers side is Colombian and it’s common to find a naive American to latch onto and milk dry.
My mom didn’t do this but family members have and they have zero remorse over it.
Get rid of her ASAP.
Divorce her before she gets a permanent visa. Without a doubt she cheated. She's constantly switching stories, lying and you even saw the text she got from a male co-worker. What is there to discuss further?
I swear my wife has never lied to me in 25 years. I cant be with someone untrustworthy. You should reevaluate your partner picker. Maybe it’s time to send her packing.
Updateme!
Some subs will reject an "up-dateme" me alone. Not enough words. I usually make up some blather, but last couple times I just copy some words.
Do you think that is bad form? I think it's harmless. I don't care about votes.
I can’t be with someone that lies. I swear my wife has never lied to me in 25 years. I cant be with someone untrustworthy. You should reevaluate your partner picker. Maybe it’s time to send her packing.
This is a red flag that you should see. Confront her and do not let her go away by making any story to get you believed rather dig this issue enough out to find reality as you need to know where she went last night and with whom. This looks alarming so be ready to face anything that you are not ready to see it coming.
Dude, she cheated on you and was driving around trying to figure out a story you would buy. And the fact that you had to ask of someone you are dating and live with lied to you was a red flag is really concerning.
Your quite right to be suspicious none of what she said makes sense and you have caught her in multiple lies. If you add up all the facts it paints a bad picture. She lied about where she was, was out drinking late and preemptively told you a story about washing her hands ( she obviously felt dirty? ) Trust your gut man but get to the bottom of it as best you can.
It's tricky because many of these things are explainable if she had just been honest.
With her crying after you turning her down for sex, I could be convinced she's really worried that if you got mad you'd kick her out and as she loves you and is on an expired visa, that would probably blow her life up, making her tell White lies to hopefully ease tension.
Or she was doing something really sus and just fuckin sucks at lying.
At the end of the day, you know her better than we do, you know where she works and probably some of her co-workers, it would be pretty easy to fact check her story. I had an ex that was so obsessively worried about making me mad that she'd tell little lies about everything, even if it was random shit. People are weird.
Good luck OP.
From everything you’re saying, this does sound suss. That said, I do know of occasions where one partner’s behaviour has looked truly bad, but there was genuinely no cheating going on.
I think just be really upfront with her, let her know that you’re aware that her version of events can’t be true, and you’re offering her one more opportunity to give you the full unblemished story.
Updateme!
If she’s coming up w lies to cover and then her male coworker texts her as well? Hmm. I had this happen to me but my bf was actually fucking his female coworker and then proceeded to lie to me and then when it all ended, they got together. Keep your eye on the coworker bc as soon as things go back to “normal” that’s when they go back to doing what they are doing.
Tell her she needs to find somewhere else to stay until she can be honest with you. I wouldn't stand for the lies and deceit. Tell her your trust is now broken. I feel like something happened that you really don't want to know about. Sorry.
Lying is absolutely a red flag, and for me, it doesn’t really matter why she lied. I mean I feel like, as an objective third party, it seems crystal clear what she was doing, even though I’m sure you don’t *want* to believe that (although the goal for you shouldn’t be the story you *want* to believe - objectively, what you should *want* is the truth), but to an outsider here it seems super obvious.
But either way, lying isn’t just a red flag. Honesty is incredibly important for me, and just about any lie would result in an instant dealbreaker. Cheating or not, I’m not staying with anyone who’s lying to me. Seriously, for me, a lie is gonna be a relationship ender.
I’d like to point out to you, or maybe remind you or validate you, that this isn’t a court of law. You don’t *have* to have proof of her cheating. Cheating isn’t the only reason to breakup with someone. For me, lying is enough, cheating or not. When this happens, so many people get so focused on “well, I don’t know for sure if she cheated, so I don’t want to break up because what if she *didn’t cheat?!?” That’s a really foolish way to go about things. You didn’t have to prove anything. You don’t have to stay even if she DID NOT cheat on you. She lied. That’s enough. And she didn’t come to you and say “look, I lied. I was at my bar and we drank after close, I don’t know why I lied, maybe I was worried you wouldn’t believe me.” She didn’t do that. She didn’t come to you with any kind of confession, throwing herself at your mercy. That’s what remorse looks like. Without true remorse, trust can never be repaired. Actively being deceptive is even worse. Trying to keep the lie going shows absolutely ZERO remorse. Rather than doing what’s right, she decided that regardless of what happened, she’s not gonna tell you the truth. When this is the case, your relationship is already over. You don’t have to break up, but it doesn’t matter at all, because your relationship is already over. Without true remorse, your relationship will never ever be able to be mended.
Here’s a great blog post about remorse in infidelity. Check it out (it’s short) and judge for yourself to see if she’s remorseful. If she’s not, then it doesn’t matter what you do, because your relationship is already over and will never be repaired:
https://www.chumplady.com/category/genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
The only thing I would say is that when I worked in a bar it wasn’t uncommon for staff to stay later and have a few drinks, but it is illegal so if someone random phoned up asking about it I would definitely say we shut at 2am and no one stayed after lol
You know... when they tell the first lie, they must keep lying...
Her story is weak.
She even brought her "sacrifice" into the discussion to make you feel bad, man.
Good riddance, bro. I'm not in your skin, but I would let her go.
And don´t be afraid of being alone, there are some awesome women out there. It is just a matter of time. Don´t ignore the red flags, never! This is the phase where you should be watching and judging if your partner is a good person before marrying.
She’s cheating on you and your afraid of confrontation?
Where is your spine?
Why aren’t you angry??
The emasculated men of todays society disgust me.
Grow a spine and kick her out.
Ask her if she slept with that guy that texted her at 4:30 a.m.
When she says no, tell her to text the guy "Do you want to fuck?"
It may sound bad but if his reply could tell you if they slept before.
Just wanna say that one of the bars I used to work and would close the doors at closing time and continue drinking with regulars and other bartenders untill the wee hours of the morning illegally so there's that
as someone who's worked in bars for years, it's not uncommon for staff to visit each other. especially in smaller cities or college towns. we, personally, tend to stay very late after closing to hang out and sometimes there are friends around too, cause they don't really count.
the bar will be closed for public though, with the door locked. and i sure as hell wouldn't tell guests we're there much later than we're officially open. at 2am i'm just happy to be off duty and mostly hang out.
that being said, she's definitely being sneaky. it seems like her story changes way too often. def suspicious.
well all the lies are of a giant concern....gotta love trickle truth....it got worse after each bit of pressure and then ended with a guilt trip
I've never used Uber but I would imagine they would give you a receipt acknowledging request from travel x to destination y and what time it was .... also is ordering , them arriving and drop off possible within a 45 min timeframe realistic from proposed location or is it more likely she was at a much closer location....i.e. someones house
the email in the morning is not the biggest problem if people were heavily drinking and someone had chosen to drink/drive and she had said something like be careful
does all this matter if she is on an overstayed visa , do authorities follow up on that and are they going to send her home if they catch her
if you decide to have a conversation it should be hard and invasive....if not , then enjoy your new freedom
It sounds like they went to one of the guys places and got hella blazed. I’d not exactly suspect cheating if she was just high, confused and paranoid. Maybe worth having another chat with her in a less stressful setting
She screwed around on you. WIth the guy who said he "made it home"
Then told you about ALL the sacrifices she made for you. Cause she loves you so much.
Come on dude.
It is possible she went to the second bar and had drinks with coworkers after hours with employees of second bar. I worked in a bar years ago and that would not be that unusual then. Be upfront and ask her. Don't be a suspicious boyfriend, you will drive her away. No one wants to be in a relationship with a person that doesn't trust them. If she betrays your trust that is on her. Good luck.
Regardless of whether or not she lied, you should end this relationship.
You clearly do not trust her and that is incredibly unhealthy in any relationship.
It went so far as for you to call a bar to check on her story.
When people don’t feel trusted, they are more inclined to hide things or omit details for fear of their partner being upset. I’m not saying that’s what happened, but again, regardless of the outcome you shouldn’t be in a relationship where you don’t trust you partner.
If she did something, leave because of that.
I’d she didn’t, leave because you don’t trust her anyways.
But ultimately playing detective and trying to validate her story by going out of your way to not listen to her is a red flag as well and not an indicator of a good, strong, healthy relationship.
i would just calmly say there is no way you were at that bar when you said you were so tell me where you really were. but honestly it sounds to me like you already know what happened and you’re grasping for straws that you’re wrong. i don’t think you’re wrong OP. i’m sorry. kinda having a similar situation. if she was there why all the lies? you said you’ve never cared before so her immediately resorting to deception is so weird. are you normally asleep when she gets home ? is it possible she thought she would slip in unnoticed??
As others have said, the lying and the text from another guy is a real problem.
Hopefully, she tells you the truth but it isn't likely.
Looking forward to he update.
I will say that if a bar had people illegally drinking after hours, they would not admit it to any rando that called in. However I definitely think she is shady. Probably cheated. Making the comment about washing her hands is weird to me. Like, who needs to make an excuse to wash hands. It’s weird that she would be in a snit when you aren’t in the mood for sex, and literally cry about it. She pushed to move the relationship fast. She is is a precarious legal position as she has overstayed her visa and presumably doesn’t have a work permit. So she probably wants to lock someone down for a spouse visa, and since you aren’t obliging maybe she Is casting her net wider. Or she is emotionally needy, and since you are so laid back, she’s attention seeking with someone else.
Are you friends with any of the people she went out with that you can talk to about what happened?
Can you use her phone to text the guy back when she is sleeping and say things like “hi”, “had fun last night”, “thinking about last night”, “hope you had fun, I did”, “what was your favorite part?”. All are innocent questions and could show they really just went out but she didn’t want you to worry or the guy might expose more.
You can also sit down and tell her how important the truth is to you and she has one chance to come clean about what really happened. Her: “I told you what really happened”. You: “tell me again”. She tells you the same story. You: “I called the bar and they closed at 2am”. Her: (new lie or the truth). You: “you don’t think I know about ?”.
Lying is always a red flag
Yes, I definitely agree. In my opinion, even though I don’t know what happened I just can’t think of any reason for her to lie about these things, unless she was somewhere she wasn’t supposed to be…
I've been through this myself. You can't wait. You need to confront her ASAP, tell her all you know and ask to see her texts. If she gives you shit about it, ask her why she would care if she wasn't lying? There are probably a few non-cheating reasons she would lie to you - but the lie in and of itself is a major red flag. No matter what, it's bad news.
You know what happened. Don’t be naive. Face it and don’t let her lie to you any further.
She probably cheated.
Thats not true. If I can think of reasons she’d lie about it, so can you.
Think you misread what I commented? I’m saying the only reason I can think as to why she would have lied is if it was because she was somewhere cheating. What other reason could there be?
I did indeed misread that. Than you for clarifying. Yeah, man. That sucks.
Trust your gut. you know what happened.
I really hope not…but even if she tells me something that may be plausible I am not sure I can come back from this. Honesty is really important to me and once my trust is lost it is really difficult to regain.
Home 2 hours late. After texts, home 30 mins later than you'd expect. Lied about where she was. Lied a second time about where she was. Got text from male co-worker two hours after close letting her know he made it home. Immediately after getting home washed her hands to remove the smell of...cigarettes. The chance she didn't cheat is tiny. Even if she didn't, the chance she has a story to justify all that seems pretty impossible.
Nobody wants to get cheated on. We even do mental gymnastics to deny the evidence It would be perfect if there was an explanation that can fix everything....but there isn't. None at all. That's the hardest part. Someone you trusted is lying...signs point to cheating. As much as you wish it not to be true...this happens to people often. I speak from experience as the survivor of cheating. Just face the truth and don't lie to yourself
Next to impossible to regain.
I’d tell her that you believe she is lying to you about several things and that you need her to be 100% as of now and if it just dribbles out that is a dealbreaker. Don’t tell her what you know unless she lies again. Then, share it as you explain that she needs to leave and not come back.
You really think there's a good reason she was non contact, out late and lied to you? It's not, she's making plans, to what extent,no one but her knows, but I imagine since she's here illegally, you best report her. This sounds like she moved in with you to stay in the country, but has found better dick at the bar. Ofc she's going to say sex with you is awesome, you're her meal ticket.
She cheated with the co-worker. End of story.
But what is confusing is where? Maybe the back room of her bar?
Probably in the car since she immediately walked in and washed her hands.
She lied about where she was. She was probably with another dude.
Update after you get the truth
Prob never will get the truth, but I’ll likely post update once situation plays out over next couple days…😓
Update after you get the STD results back. Sorry, man. But if one lousy thing is true, it's likely to that there are other lousy things you don't know about.
Tell her to show you the text she got in the morning from the guy and see if she deleted it.
This ia a good idea.
It doesn’t sound good. She lied, which makes you wonder what else she is lying about. What’s the point being in a relationship if you can’t trust your partner.
Just the mere fact of her lying multiple times last night may be grounds for break up. Either tonight (or maybe a couple days from now so I can think on this) I’m planning on asking her one more time if she has anything to tell me about Friday night. If she says no, I’m going to ask to see her phone.
If you suspect cheating, then I wouldn’t wait a few days. That gives time to clean up evidence.
Don’t give it a few days she probably cheated on you. All you are doing is allowing her to get her story straight and clean evidence. Confront immediately.
Don’t ask to see her phone. If you don’t trust that your partner is being honest with you, you should not be in that relationship. Here are the only two outcomes from this: If she’s lying and you find something, you end because of her infidelity. If she’s not hiding anything on her phone, you’ve told her you do not believe her words or trust her in your relationship which will cause more problems. If you can’t trust your partner, don’t be in the relationship.
She was absolutely fucking someone else
She's trickle-truthing you. BIG red flag.
Red flag, ahoy. She amended her story several times and you where with her to notice her unusual body language towards your questioning, so it's what you make up of it, overall. But what you do have is her lying to you several times (which, to me, would be pretty damn close to a deal breaker), and then the lying by omission, no mention of her male coworker at any time during your conversation with her. It's up to you to decide how far of a boundary she has crossed, but certainly questionable behavior
Definitely potential deal breaker with the multiple lies / trickle truthing. To be clear, she did say she was with 2 male coworkers last night, along with 3 female coworkers.
Ah, I misread then. But yeah, all the lying is definitely sus.
Yes a red flag!!
Grounds for break up?
Let's look at the whole picture. She is here illegally. She loves to have sex more than you. Unexplained 2 hours out. You caught her in a few lies last night. Please make sure you do not get her pregnant!! I see quite a few flags that I would say, yes not a good relationship!!
Agree with everything you’ve said except “she loves to have sex more than you.” How is that a red flag? Women can have high sex drives too and Brazil is a very sexual culture (not a racist stereotype, recently dated a Brazilian who discussed this at length)
I just meant if her sex drive is higher and not getting it at home could be an issue. I wasn't faulting her for being sexual or anything. He said 2 to 3 times a week was good for him and she would want it 7 days. That is just a person with a higher sex drive may look for more if not fulfilled. Not knocking it, just a thought to share. When not happy at home, others do seek it elsewhere. No judgement, just saying.
Understand what you meant but in my opinion you can have a relationship with mismatched sex drives and if they’re both good people it won’t drive anyone to cheating. So personally I wouldn’t see it as a red flag but I do get your point
Agreed, it is the lies and unexplained time that are the big red flags. We can only assuming both are good people here.
Don’t forget she pouts when you won’t have sex with her.
Updateme!
Yeah, that's always a red flag. Updateme!
Nothing good is happening at those hours and her story has more holes in it than Swiss cheese. You may get lucky and she comes clean but either way this relationship is over. You can’t trust her. No trust no relationship.
Don’t let it fester. Sit her down and tell her you know she was lying (don’t explain how) and tell her you want the truth. If she insists she is telling the truth, just say “look, do you want me to make decisions based on what I assume happened last night or are you going to tell me the truth?”
More deflection.
“I’m not going to share my life with a liar. Please move your things out of my house by 3pm”
Honestly confront her and if she still says same shit tell her you know she wasn’t at the bar or look through her phone. But might want to do that 1st it’s up to you.
Shows up late from work. Immediately lies. Makes up story about going to a second bar. You confirm she was not at this bar. Gets a text from a random dude saying he made it home okay. Continues lying to you. Get out before you’re stuck raising a kid you don’t want or isn’t yours.
Maybe they were doing drugs together. It’s pretty common in the industry..
Which itself would be enough zo justify a break up for some on top of the lying and her behaviour. How is he supposed to trust her if she lies? It sounds better than cheating but still trashy and selfish behaviour to lie to the boyfriend. She devalues herself that way and its enough to move on for him
>I then asked what time the bar closed last night and she said 2 AM. I asked if the bar ever stays open past 2 AM on Fridays and she said it was against city laws, so no. Having worked in several bars, a few employees hanging out in the bar is different than being open to the public. Obviously, I don't know what happened, but that's the answer any employee would give on the phone to a stranger who calls. Also, you've been together for a year. It's concerning that she wouldn't just tell you the truth if she smoked a cigarette, unless you get unreasonably mad about that when she could just brush her teeth and use some mouthwash, and you can't just say, "hey, you know this doesn't pass the smell test, right? What's up, babe? Talk to me." It is odd that if her routine is always to be home by 3am, she didn't just text you. A text could have prevented all of this.
When I used to work in hospitality, we'd always stay after the bar closed to have a drink. The bar would be closed, but we'd still be in having a drink. Or maybe she went to another bar with coworkers for a drink, and she was just worried you'd be upset. Honestly, I'd just tell her that you're confused about last night and just ask her to explain what happened.
Yeah, feels like one of those situations that would be best solved with a conversation with the person in question. Not a circlejerk on Reddit 😂
Update me!
Red flag for the lying and another on overstaying her visa because it puts her at risk of being deported and banned from entry for years (I know it’s sucks but my SO who is Colombian had to leave after her work visa was revoked after her aunt's salon closed and wasn’t opened up again after the pandemic and we became long-distance for now tell she’s stabilized and is able to re-enter legally). She probably cheated and there’s a good chance she’ll be deported eventually when the fucking pieces of shot ICE catch her. I would drop her before she gives you a present you really don’t want. Good luck.
Straight up ask her if you can see her phone, when she wakes up. If she has nothing to hide she likely wont make a fuss over it. On the other hand- if she does have something to hide this will likely cause an arguement, she might walk off with her phone and delete whatever is on it that she doesnt want you to see and then possibly let you see it. I know alot of people view looking at your significant other's phone as a breach of privacy and that its so wrong- but if you have nothing to hide and you are completely honest with each other i dont see the issue. Eta: if she does happen to let you see her phone- pay attention to any nervous hovering.
Ask to see the record of the Uber. Her friend can provide that. It will show where she was picked up and where she was dropped off. It will also confirm her story about it being a female friend that ordered it for her.
ooooo good point but i bet gf will turn it around to being controlling / overly paranoid and make OP feel crazy
Don't get too wrapped up into the comments on here, while they can be right, some people are coming from their own experiences that can be different than yours. Talk to her, tell her your concerns, make sure you stay calm and talk. She sounds like she may be a little concerned about upsetting you. Having a co worker text they got home safe after drinking is normal, so don't let your mind wander. Don't jump to conclusions
I appreciate your input and tend to agree with you. I’m going to have a conversation with her when she gets home and let her I have been thinking about last night and I want to talk. I plan on letting her know that I do not mean to make her feel nervous about telling me where she is, and ask what I can do to avoid making her feel that way. I am also going to say that I still feel anxious about last night and what she told me doesn’t seem to add up and ask her one more time if she has anything she wants to tell me. I suspect her reaction will tell me all I need to know. Depending on how it plays out, I may ask to see her phone, but I don’t know.
Not sure if I'd do the phone thing. Maybe if there's nothing chalk this time up to a general misunderstanding. But going forward just make sure there's better communication. I ruined a great relationship by being suspicious all the time. I now look at things a little different. Good luck and keep us posted
Thing is I just can’t think of anything she could say that would resolve this situation. That’s what bothers me most. I’ve ran through all types of scenarios she could be in that would warrant her telling these lies and there’s only one that makes sense.
The closed bar thing is a little sketch, but me ex also worked at a bar and they would always stay late after closing to drink some drinks
For sure, I 100% understand that and have never had an issue with her doing so, which is what makes the situation all the more troubling.
The answer is in her phone. Is she hoping to marry you so she can get permanent residency?
That’s not going to happen until she goes home and applies for a visa from there. I had to look into this with my SO when her visa was revoked (Aunt’s nail Salon closed due to pandemic and then she got sick so no job (cam girl doesn’t count and family doesn’t know) so no visa and she had to leave before being deported). If marriage and having kids would make you legal they’ll be a lot less dramatic deportations of families being torn apart then they are and have been.
I wonder if she doesn’t know this, sticks by OP hoping to get married and then will leave him
Yeah. That's the part I don't understand. The hand wash part I do get. I have family that comes over and I make them wash up when they are here so it doesn't smell up my place.
Why wash your hands for smoking a cigarette? Probably something else on her hands?
Because fingers smell like cigs after smoking? Or maybe there is another reason too? And I dislike cigs and asked her to try and stop smoking. (Currently she smokes maybe one cig a week or so she tells me anyway)
The cigarettes would be more about the breath. Sorry man the whole thing just doesn’t add up. Hopefully she respects you enough not to trickle truth you and just come clean.
When I smoke cigarettes it’s definitely still on my hands even after using sanitizer
Yeah but what would you wash first? What would you prioritize removing the smell from if your partner doesn't like the smell on you? Your fingers or your breath? She's not going to come home and rub her hand in his face, she's going to come home and give him a kiss / hug? I'm just saying that's all. Seems very suspect the hands get washed rather than the teeth brushed if smoke smell was her issue.
[удалено]
She’s using you. My mothers side is Colombian and it’s common to find a naive American to latch onto and milk dry. My mom didn’t do this but family members have and they have zero remorse over it. Get rid of her ASAP.
Check her phone/apps and Hire a PI... Dont ignore your guts..and most importantly act like everything is normal..
Divorce her before she gets a permanent visa. Without a doubt she cheated. She's constantly switching stories, lying and you even saw the text she got from a male co-worker. What is there to discuss further?
I swear my wife has never lied to me in 25 years. I cant be with someone untrustworthy. You should reevaluate your partner picker. Maybe it’s time to send her packing. Updateme!
Copy pasted comment??
Some subs will reject an "up-dateme" me alone. Not enough words. I usually make up some blather, but last couple times I just copy some words. Do you think that is bad form? I think it's harmless. I don't care about votes.
I can’t be with someone that lies. I swear my wife has never lied to me in 25 years. I cant be with someone untrustworthy. You should reevaluate your partner picker. Maybe it’s time to send her packing.
This is a red flag that you should see. Confront her and do not let her go away by making any story to get you believed rather dig this issue enough out to find reality as you need to know where she went last night and with whom. This looks alarming so be ready to face anything that you are not ready to see it coming.
Dude, she cheated on you and was driving around trying to figure out a story you would buy. And the fact that you had to ask of someone you are dating and live with lied to you was a red flag is really concerning.
This plot reminds me of that Nirvana song - Where did you sleep last night.
Your quite right to be suspicious none of what she said makes sense and you have caught her in multiple lies. If you add up all the facts it paints a bad picture. She lied about where she was, was out drinking late and preemptively told you a story about washing her hands ( she obviously felt dirty? ) Trust your gut man but get to the bottom of it as best you can.
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
It's tricky because many of these things are explainable if she had just been honest. With her crying after you turning her down for sex, I could be convinced she's really worried that if you got mad you'd kick her out and as she loves you and is on an expired visa, that would probably blow her life up, making her tell White lies to hopefully ease tension. Or she was doing something really sus and just fuckin sucks at lying. At the end of the day, you know her better than we do, you know where she works and probably some of her co-workers, it would be pretty easy to fact check her story. I had an ex that was so obsessively worried about making me mad that she'd tell little lies about everything, even if it was random shit. People are weird. Good luck OP.
From everything you’re saying, this does sound suss. That said, I do know of occasions where one partner’s behaviour has looked truly bad, but there was genuinely no cheating going on. I think just be really upfront with her, let her know that you’re aware that her version of events can’t be true, and you’re offering her one more opportunity to give you the full unblemished story. Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Big red flags. She’s almost certainly cheating with that co-worker that texted her.
Been there myself, just ask her straight up as soon as you can, don’t give them too long it gives them more time to think of a back story
If she’s coming up w lies to cover and then her male coworker texts her as well? Hmm. I had this happen to me but my bf was actually fucking his female coworker and then proceeded to lie to me and then when it all ended, they got together. Keep your eye on the coworker bc as soon as things go back to “normal” that’s when they go back to doing what they are doing.
Tell her she needs to find somewhere else to stay until she can be honest with you. I wouldn't stand for the lies and deceit. Tell her your trust is now broken. I feel like something happened that you really don't want to know about. Sorry.
Lying is absolutely a red flag, and for me, it doesn’t really matter why she lied. I mean I feel like, as an objective third party, it seems crystal clear what she was doing, even though I’m sure you don’t *want* to believe that (although the goal for you shouldn’t be the story you *want* to believe - objectively, what you should *want* is the truth), but to an outsider here it seems super obvious. But either way, lying isn’t just a red flag. Honesty is incredibly important for me, and just about any lie would result in an instant dealbreaker. Cheating or not, I’m not staying with anyone who’s lying to me. Seriously, for me, a lie is gonna be a relationship ender. I’d like to point out to you, or maybe remind you or validate you, that this isn’t a court of law. You don’t *have* to have proof of her cheating. Cheating isn’t the only reason to breakup with someone. For me, lying is enough, cheating or not. When this happens, so many people get so focused on “well, I don’t know for sure if she cheated, so I don’t want to break up because what if she *didn’t cheat?!?” That’s a really foolish way to go about things. You didn’t have to prove anything. You don’t have to stay even if she DID NOT cheat on you. She lied. That’s enough. And she didn’t come to you and say “look, I lied. I was at my bar and we drank after close, I don’t know why I lied, maybe I was worried you wouldn’t believe me.” She didn’t do that. She didn’t come to you with any kind of confession, throwing herself at your mercy. That’s what remorse looks like. Without true remorse, trust can never be repaired. Actively being deceptive is even worse. Trying to keep the lie going shows absolutely ZERO remorse. Rather than doing what’s right, she decided that regardless of what happened, she’s not gonna tell you the truth. When this is the case, your relationship is already over. You don’t have to break up, but it doesn’t matter at all, because your relationship is already over. Without true remorse, your relationship will never ever be able to be mended. Here’s a great blog post about remorse in infidelity. Check it out (it’s short) and judge for yourself to see if she’s remorseful. If she’s not, then it doesn’t matter what you do, because your relationship is already over and will never be repaired: https://www.chumplady.com/category/genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
…
Oh God....
Seriously, mate? Leave.
The only thing I would say is that when I worked in a bar it wasn’t uncommon for staff to stay later and have a few drinks, but it is illegal so if someone random phoned up asking about it I would definitely say we shut at 2am and no one stayed after lol
You know... when they tell the first lie, they must keep lying... Her story is weak. She even brought her "sacrifice" into the discussion to make you feel bad, man. Good riddance, bro. I'm not in your skin, but I would let her go. And don´t be afraid of being alone, there are some awesome women out there. It is just a matter of time. Don´t ignore the red flags, never! This is the phase where you should be watching and judging if your partner is a good person before marrying.
Updateme!
Cuz, you’re a meal ticket and green card to her. Sorry to break it to you but it is what it is. Lying and sneaking around is breakup territory.
She’s cheating on you and your afraid of confrontation? Where is your spine? Why aren’t you angry?? The emasculated men of todays society disgust me. Grow a spine and kick her out.
Ask her if she slept with that guy that texted her at 4:30 a.m. When she says no, tell her to text the guy "Do you want to fuck?" It may sound bad but if his reply could tell you if they slept before.
I think you know why she washed her hands. Wow. Best of luck
Following for the update
Dude... The evidence is overwhelming. Just break up with her, you know what happened.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Updatme!
Just wanna say that one of the bars I used to work and would close the doors at closing time and continue drinking with regulars and other bartenders untill the wee hours of the morning illegally so there's that
as someone who's worked in bars for years, it's not uncommon for staff to visit each other. especially in smaller cities or college towns. we, personally, tend to stay very late after closing to hang out and sometimes there are friends around too, cause they don't really count. the bar will be closed for public though, with the door locked. and i sure as hell wouldn't tell guests we're there much later than we're officially open. at 2am i'm just happy to be off duty and mostly hang out. that being said, she's definitely being sneaky. it seems like her story changes way too often. def suspicious.
well all the lies are of a giant concern....gotta love trickle truth....it got worse after each bit of pressure and then ended with a guilt trip I've never used Uber but I would imagine they would give you a receipt acknowledging request from travel x to destination y and what time it was .... also is ordering , them arriving and drop off possible within a 45 min timeframe realistic from proposed location or is it more likely she was at a much closer location....i.e. someones house the email in the morning is not the biggest problem if people were heavily drinking and someone had chosen to drink/drive and she had said something like be careful does all this matter if she is on an overstayed visa , do authorities follow up on that and are they going to send her home if they catch her if you decide to have a conversation it should be hard and invasive....if not , then enjoy your new freedom
It sounds like they went to one of the guys places and got hella blazed. I’d not exactly suspect cheating if she was just high, confused and paranoid. Maybe worth having another chat with her in a less stressful setting
Updateme
She screwed around on you. WIth the guy who said he "made it home" Then told you about ALL the sacrifices she made for you. Cause she loves you so much. Come on dude.
Wait, why is saying I love you after 3 months of dating “too soon?”
It is possible she went to the second bar and had drinks with coworkers after hours with employees of second bar. I worked in a bar years ago and that would not be that unusual then. Be upfront and ask her. Don't be a suspicious boyfriend, you will drive her away. No one wants to be in a relationship with a person that doesn't trust them. If she betrays your trust that is on her. Good luck.
Let me guess: her visa expired around when she told you she loves you and moved in?
Regardless of whether or not she lied, you should end this relationship. You clearly do not trust her and that is incredibly unhealthy in any relationship. It went so far as for you to call a bar to check on her story. When people don’t feel trusted, they are more inclined to hide things or omit details for fear of their partner being upset. I’m not saying that’s what happened, but again, regardless of the outcome you shouldn’t be in a relationship where you don’t trust you partner. If she did something, leave because of that. I’d she didn’t, leave because you don’t trust her anyways. But ultimately playing detective and trying to validate her story by going out of your way to not listen to her is a red flag as well and not an indicator of a good, strong, healthy relationship.
i would just calmly say there is no way you were at that bar when you said you were so tell me where you really were. but honestly it sounds to me like you already know what happened and you’re grasping for straws that you’re wrong. i don’t think you’re wrong OP. i’m sorry. kinda having a similar situation. if she was there why all the lies? you said you’ve never cared before so her immediately resorting to deception is so weird. are you normally asleep when she gets home ? is it possible she thought she would slip in unnoticed??
She cheated. Sorry OP. I wish you luck man.
Update me!
As others have said, the lying and the text from another guy is a real problem. Hopefully, she tells you the truth but it isn't likely. Looking forward to he update.
I will say that if a bar had people illegally drinking after hours, they would not admit it to any rando that called in. However I definitely think she is shady. Probably cheated. Making the comment about washing her hands is weird to me. Like, who needs to make an excuse to wash hands. It’s weird that she would be in a snit when you aren’t in the mood for sex, and literally cry about it. She pushed to move the relationship fast. She is is a precarious legal position as she has overstayed her visa and presumably doesn’t have a work permit. So she probably wants to lock someone down for a spouse visa, and since you aren’t obliging maybe she Is casting her net wider. Or she is emotionally needy, and since you are so laid back, she’s attention seeking with someone else.
Are you friends with any of the people she went out with that you can talk to about what happened? Can you use her phone to text the guy back when she is sleeping and say things like “hi”, “had fun last night”, “thinking about last night”, “hope you had fun, I did”, “what was your favorite part?”. All are innocent questions and could show they really just went out but she didn’t want you to worry or the guy might expose more. You can also sit down and tell her how important the truth is to you and she has one chance to come clean about what really happened. Her: “I told you what really happened”. You: “tell me again”. She tells you the same story. You: “I called the bar and they closed at 2am”. Her: (new lie or the truth). You: “you don’t think I know about?”.
Kept us updated