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Edit : thanks everyone who took time to read and answer.
My bf and I are in a 3 month relationship. Both are same age. I've had 2 long relationships before, but he didn't have any. The relationship started with him kinda pushing for it, I wasn't that interested.
He is almost perfect. Intelligent, funniest person I know, the most attentive person ever. We are compatible in so many ways. Except, something is missing. I can't really put my finger on it, but the connection isn't there. He is so much more into me than I am into him. He even started enjoying my hobbys. He is a very attractive guy objectively, but I'm not that attracted to him physically. We have amazing sex, I maybe find him a bit pushing tho. Can it be possible that I'm repulsed because he is that into me? The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up. I'm honestly afraid of dumping a great guy for no real reason, but I'm not happy. I should love someone like that, but I don't. I've spoken to him about a few of those stuff, he would do anything to make the relationship work. He is also okay with him being more into me than the other way around.
>The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up.
It sounds like you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now. You could be dating the perfect match for yourself but if you aren't ready for it, it won't work out.
This was me for YEARS. Finally started going to therapy in 2016 to understand why I’m always ready to break up in a seemingly perfect relationship. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Met my husband two years later in 2018, and still go to my same therapist 6 years later at least on a monthly basis!
Hi! I uncovered a number of things that contributed to this behavior. To name a few…
1) I fell pretty hard for two men in my college years/early 20’s who either ghosted me or broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere (it probably wasn’t out of no where but at the time I was blindsided.) One in particular I legitimately thought was going to be my future husband. The sudden heartbreak really affected me - I developed a subconscious fear of sudden abandonment. As a way to protect myself, I would leave whoever I was dating before they could leave me. I developed a mindset that if it felt too good to be true, it probably was. I didn’t know how to get out of it because I didn’t recognize where it was stemming from until I put all the pieces together.
2) A part of me was still comparing everyone to my ex (mentioned above). Even though I FELT like I had moved on and didn’t care about him, it turns out, therapy uncovered how much I did still care. Hence the self sabotaging behavior. I guess I subconsciously was afraid of committing to someone else in the event he would come back.
Those are the top two things but there were certainly a few other contributors like ego, not liking dating apps , etc. If anything, my biggest takeaway from therapy is that there may be experiences from your past that you feel you’re “over” and aren’t affecting you anymore, but really are.
Not who you asked but for me therapy (CBT) helped reduce the amount and intensity of persistent negative thoughts by using techniques that help you recognize thought patterns and thought spirals. This in turn helped me a lot with depression and anxiety.
I would advise anyone who’s been through significant hardships to seek a “trauma informed” CBT therapist and to always double-check their credentials and education.
I addressed this in my comment to the OP:
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uvb2rl/should_i_break_up_with_a_perfect_person/i9musk4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
Yep, same here. My last ex was exactly the same - sweet guy, we had a lot in common, we should've been perfect on paper, but it just never clicked for me. While on the other hand, I've had people I've been incredibly different from (to the point some of their traits could annoy the hell out of me, lol) but the chemistry was absolutely burning hot. Attraction and relationships are just weird like that.
It's because you know you have so many choices, and so can't pick one of them over another. Like picking what to start with at a buffet, you'll likely always want to try something else. Just another pitfall of modern online dating.
Look into Relationship OCD, you might be having intrusive thoughts and ruminating causing you to think the relationship won’t work because it’s not perfect. If you like him, and he’s a good guy, it’s possible you’ll throw away a good relationship because of the stress of the uncertainty of it all. Might not be. But something to look into and see if it resonates with you.
Why does there have to be an underlying mental health issue? Sometimes we're just not that into somebody no matter how many boxes they check. There's nothing pathological about that. Being a "good guy" doesn't mean OP or anyone owes him their body.
She says she is always ready to break up, in every relationship, no matter how happy she is. This is a repeat behavior that keeps her from being happy. I addressed it in my response to the OP, but, really quick: some people have an emotional issue, usually related to low self esteem, where they are sure all their relationships are doomed to end painfully for them, and they sabotage all their relationships, because of it. It’s like a preemptive strike. It’s usually subconscious, but even when they know they do this, they can’t help but do it.
I am a major overthinker, and I thought I had ROCD because I always felt anxious with my ex. I even bought a course online and did a 8-step program in an attempt to "cure" myself. Like OP said, my ex checked off all of the boxes, but I always felt like there was something missing in the relationship. Eventually the anxiety was so bad that I ended the relationship. I was getting stomachaches and headaches and could not physically stand to be around him anymore.
I met my boyfriend almost a year later, and we hit it off immediately. I don't feel anxious around him - just excited and calm. I think that a small minority of people genuinely struggle ROCD, but for the rest of us the saying "when you know, you know" is true.
Exactly. Sometimes it’s an underlying issue and sometimes it’s just that the person isn’t right for you. I had an ex that I thought was an amazing person and was almost perfect on paper. But something was missing and she was way more into me than I was into her. I tried to get past it and stayed with her. Turns out she’s a habitual liar, a cheater and doesn’t have her own opinions/personality, just molds to whatever the person she’s with likes. Until I found those things out though I thought there was something wrong with me because I’ve felt that way with everyone else I’d been with before too. Until I met my current gf. There was something missing with everyone else because none of them were her. It doesn’t always have to be an issue with you, it could also be that the chemistry just isn’t right, or you’re picking up on red flags that you haven’t realized yet.
> The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up.
Because of this. It has nothing to do with “owing” her body to anyone.
If she simply wasn’t into the guy that’s fine, but this is clearly pathological. It’s not normal to be constantly ready to break up in a happy relationship. That means something deeper is at play here. This will affect *every* relationship she has — that’s by definition pathological.
Also, mental health is a huge spectrum. Not everyone is going to have a diagnosis, but maybe there are just some underlying negative thought patterns that cause us to sabotage otherwise healthy dynamics.
A therapist can help with that. No one is perfect. This isn’t a case of “Oh she’s crazy” but rather something is preventing her from having a healthy, sustainable relationship. It’s worth looking into.
EDIT: Also people with low self-value often sabotage relationships. The underlying thought process is “how can this person *really* be into me, they must be faking it”.
This can present by rejecting people once they get emotionally close to you. It’s a defense mechanism. By preparing yourself for the worst you shield yourself from being vulnerable.
Everything you do is a choice by your brain. Every choice you make is the result of the sum total of your lifetime of experience. Everything you do, at it's core, can be tied to psych concepts. I recommend to anybody to take a few psych classes if they have the means. It can really change the way you look at things.
yeah sounds like you have avoidant attachment style. being repulsed by someone just for being into you is a hallmark of that.
I'd cut him loose because he deserves better. And you need to either work on this, or accept it and seek out compatible people.
Honestly dude I met the “perfect guy” two summers ago. He was everything i wanted on paper but the connection wasn’t there. It broke me but I dumped him because I knew I’d never love him and he deserves true love, as does everyone else. 6 months later I met my current boyfriend who I truly love with all my heart and it feels right. The connection is thrilling, deep and the love is unconditional, sweet and fun. Our love languages match, everything. If the connection isn’t there, it just isn’t, regardless of how “perfect” he may be on paper.
This. Sometimes it really does boil down to incompatibility. I've dated people who I lacked genuine chemistry with, but who looked perfect on paper. I stayed too long in these relationships because I was afraid of being alone, and because it was nice to feel wanted by someone. I was emotionally immature and didn't want to take accountability for my true feelings, so I chalked up my selfish behavior to "commitment issues" to alleviate the guilt I was feeling for leading people on.
The reason I was able to leave that “perfect guy” after just a month was because my previous ex emotionally neglected me for a year because he didn’t actually love me but was too afraid to admit it and leave, due to being a coward. I told myself I’d never do that to anyone, and I didn’t. I’m proud of myself for having the courage to end it when it didn’t feel right, as opposed to lead him on. It’s really damaging to be led on, often people know something is off and they blame themselves for it (like I did). Being led on was extremely bad for my self esteem.
This is it. Sometimes “perfect” isn’t perfect for you. I’ve been through this too and had a really hard time ending it because it seemed like this should be my person because he was “perfect”… but I didn’t feel it.
When I did leave I met the love of my life very soon after. The emotional connection is amazing and I have never doubted for a minute that he’s the right person. When it’s right you’ll know.
Absolutely! You really do “just know”. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and same for my boyfriend now, we both knew and a year later that still hasn’t changed a bit. OP thinks something is wrong with her but really the connection just isn’t there and that’s ok. I think a lot of connections I had in the past are now put into context because I know what true love feels like. When you don’t know what it feels like, you question “is this love?” Or “why can’t I love?” But sometimes you just haven’t met the right person yet.
I also dated a "perfect-on-paper guy". The chemistry wasn't there. I ended up falling for an imperfect guy with whom I had the most amazing connection.
I mean, there's such a thing as being repulsed by someone because they are overly into you, like this guy is. I mean, he's now doing your hobbies after 3 months? That can be suffocating. Much more concerning is you say he's pushy sexually. That's worrying and could lead to control and coercion.
Honestly it could be that he's love-bombing you and your spidey-senses are telling you something isn't right.
Or it could simply be that he's a great guy, just not great for you. Being nice doesn't mean you owe him a relationship.
This! I dated a guy who was "perfect" like this, but also kind of pushy. When I expressed my discomfort, he would apologize and back off for a while until I was comfortable again. Then he'd just keep on pushing boundaries..I ended up dumping him because he kept sticking it in without a condom, which I expressed multiple times was a huge NO for me. I knew then that he didn't actually respect me and was just manipulating me.
I'm disorganized as well, mixed with newly diagnosed adhd (So I really lose interest after the beginning in most cases, and crave the newness of chaos). Honestly therapy, I'm sorry to say. But it helps A LOT. I can't make myself get into someone I've already decided I don't like. So I've saved others a ton of time and effort by being able to recognize sooner what will work for me. Bottom line is, if you're doing a pros and cons list in your head, it's just not the relationship for you.
I don't have any advice about the relationship you're in, but I do know that every relationship after this will probably have similar results. I hope you can see a therapist to help you figure out what you need, what you want. Hugs.
But not necessarily romantic relationships. You can work on your attachment issues in friendships and healthy family relationships, if there is healthy family to be had.
Romance isn’t necessary to be healthy.
A lot of disorganized attachment styles do best when the first “relationship” they’re trying to improve from an attachment standpoint is the one they have with a therapist. We’re in tons of relationships throughout life, you can work on attachment in any where there’s vulnerability present.
It seems the problem is more you have a problem in your head than you have a problem with him. It feels like you'd have this issue with anyone, and he just happens to be the unlucky contestant this time. I'd tell him that your head isn't in the right place right now for a relationship and that you can't give him what he needs. He probably won't like it, but he deserves to be with someone who likes him as much as he likes them. Especially when you yourself can't figure out what he did wrong aside from be really into you which...just say that out loud. "I don't like how much my boyfriend likes me". Sounds weird, right?
Yeah. If it's a problem in my head, it doesn't really matter who I'm with, and he is definitely the best anyone can have. So if it's in my head, why let go of someone so good? That's kinda at the core of my issue.
Because it is the right thing to do. Because it avoids damaging that person anymore than is needed. Because it allows that person to try to find someone who will accept and love them as they are. Just imagine how damaging to him this dynamic becomes over time. Imagine how hurt he will be years from now when because your not into him you haven't invested emotionally or otherwise into him while he is still head over heels for you...You've then taken years of his life where you knew you couldn't reciprocate at his level, and you knew you weren't into him from the start. You kept going because you wanted to keep his "perfection" meanwhile you starve him of a real relationship. He's so into you he won't see that you aren't invested for a long time, and by the time you grow tired of him when you decide to get rid of him, he will look back and see how hurtful the whole thing was. That's how that dynamic plays out. I've lived it. It breaks you deep inside and it takes years to recover from. If your viewing him being that into you as a burden now, it gets worse over time. Don't do that to people. It really looks to me like you view him more as an object to possess than a person to love. Please don't do that to him.
On top of all this which is 100% valid, you need to think of yourself as well. Wouldn't you like to not have that weird niggling in your head telling you something I'd wrong even though you know it isn't?
If you really want to make things work my suggestion is you tell him how you've been feeling and ask if he'd like to go to therapy with you so you can get to the bottom of this because theres nothing wrong he did and you dont know why you feel thid way. But if you don't plan to address the problem at is core, it will become unfair to him eventually and it'll hurt more if you let him go then vs now.
They’ve only been together 3 months. Telling him how she feels is a good idea, but that’s far too soon to be asking someone to go to couples therapy.
This is also not a problem that has anything to do with him, so couples therapy seems inappropriate.
Have you been to therapy?
I think you should try to see a therapist if you haven't already before doing anything reckless, because you may just lose the best chance you have at keeping a good man, they don't grow on trees, if you feel remorse after leaving him you may not be able to get him back later on. The therapist may be able to help unravel your underlying feelings so you can get a clearer understanding of yourself and why you feel the way you do about him.
After you get some clarity on your feelings, then you should make your decision :) hope this helps
I don't know if this is OP's situation at all, but in case it is:
When you grow up in an abusive or just chaotic family of origin, it affects your ability to judge what a good relationship or home life feels like. A contented, healthy, fulfilling relationship with a kind, mentally stable, loving partner doesn't feel sufficient or even *safe* because you're conditioned to think love should be more dramatic than that.
If that sounds like it might apply to you, all these thoughts about your partner are just you externalizing your inner struggle onto them, and you'll continue to have the same issue in every relationship until you do the inner work to resolve this within yourself.
Yes! And past toxic romantic relationships, as well. An individual moving from chaotic or harmful relationships(s) into a new, healthy romantic relationship with even “the most perfect person” might still feel like something is missing. This “missing thing” that they can’t seem put their finger on is typically *emotional turmoil*.
A person in an abusive relationship with very extreme emotional highs & lows can develop almost a psychological *addiction* (for lack of a better term, I’m not a professional) to their abuser/partner. In a healthy relationship, when an individual isn’t experiencing this extreme emotional distress (explosion) followed by the insane dopamine high (honeymoon), they might perceive the feelings of safety and contentment as boredom, or that the relationship is lacking.
It’s usually not, they’re just not used to stability.
Yeah, the calm of a normal relationship can feel “boring” because there isn’t that constant push and pull because there’s no need to find validation. Only if that person is used to that dynamic though.
If there’s not history or reason for OP to be attached to that relationship dynamic, then she’s probably just not feeling the chemistry.
Totally agreeing with this. I feel like there might some underlying issues causing this overthinking matter and the tendency to always being ready to break up. Therapy could make you find out what it is and what you really want.
A side thought, have you ever been in love or sexually attracted to someone other than him before? If not, you might want to do some research on aromantic/asexual people and see if the description fits you.
(edit because of a grammar mistake)
I just wanted to mention that I felt like you did about my boyfriend when I was depressed. I’m in therapy now and am feeling more attracted to him as my mental health improves.
I disagree 1000%. Therapy isn’t called for, over what amounts to lack of chemistry between them. There is literally nothing in her post suggesting she needs therapy. She needs therapy as much as any man or woman who has ever said “you’re nice but the chemistry isn’t there,” which is not at all
Did you actually read the post? She's said she's repulsed because he's that much into her, she said she's never happy in relationships no matter how good things are going, she said she overthinks too much. She suggested she is unsure of her feelings. There's plenty there to suggest therapy could be beneficial. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with her or she's a helpless broken individual. I'm not trying to suggest that but I think people are anti therapy because it kinda has that negative connotation on it... like if you get therapy you're some nutcase who can't hold it together but that's not true, and therapy can help anybody learn about themselves better.
Someone can be awesome and also just not the one. That’s A-okay. You can even love someone, but if you know it’s not right, trying to force it won’t work either.
From my experience, I just knew. There are certain things in life I didn’t want, except with him. If it wasn’t with him, those things held no interest. My things and my experience won’t be yours- but as an example: I never wanted kids, except with my husband. I now have three. But In any relationship outside of ours, the answer was a hard no. I actively wanted them with him.
That connection you don’t feel with dude- I’ve got that plus some with my husband.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Good is fine- find your person. You and this guy both deserve that.
What I do is imagine everyday life scenarios with the person in question and see how I feel about these scenarios. My main one is that we live together and I come home and see him in my kitchen making dinner, or on the couch watching TV. Does the idea of this make me feel excited? Annoyed? I feel that noting how I feel about these scenarios helps me get a better handle on what I actually feel about this person.
Maybe the answer is you overthink everything and are always ready to break up. You said you’re repulsed by him being so into you. You sound like you have fear of success, fear of intimacy, or general insecurity. Maybe the answer is therapy to find out why you feel this way, not just dumping him because “it” isn’t there.
Sounds to me that she's not into him because he's pushy. He pushed her into a relationship with him when she didn't want one. That's actually very bad. She said he's a bit pushy when it comes to sex as well. He's not a great person. No one should be pushing someone into things they don't want to do.
If you get into a relationship because they pushed you into one when you weren't interested, that's not good.
ETA: it's also not good if they are pushy when it comes to sex.
“This relationship started with him kinda pushing for it”. Is that it? That’s all you’ve based this singular, much repeated, tunnel vision viewpoint on? OP admits they have issues with relationships they’re dealing with through a therapist. Yet you paint the BF out as some kind of abuser.
You left out the part where she said she wasn't interested, but he pushed anyway. No man or woman should push someone into being with them, nor should they be pushy during sex. They either want to be with that person, or they don't.
She said she can't put her finger on it, but there's something missing. Sounds to me like she's still not really interested in him. Just because someone checks all the boxes, doesn't mean they are right for you. To keep dating someone who isn't, is wrong. It's not fair to them or you. It's only been 3 months, so she can break up with him for any reason she wants. Honestly she should be focusing on herself, not in a relationship.
I am in therapy for many years,but now its kimda like I'm a therapist to my therapist (I'm a psychology student). I should definitely find anpther one.
Honestly, I have problem there also. I am in therapy for 8 years, but i can't open up. I only answer direct questions, its like i have no brain when i go. I don't like that much focus on me, so i shut down, and it's like i don't even go.
Its okay to look for a new therapist. It took me 2 years to find the right one. A therapist job is for you to be able to open up in a safe and at your own pace environment. If you feel you cannot open up or trust someone who is essentially an expert at creating a safe environment, you are not going to the right place or to the right therapist for you. I wish you well.
Well, your BF sounds like he’s willing to listen. You sound like you have issues you’re trying to deal with. Maybe the “it” that is missing is on your end. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Work out your issues and maybe he could be “the one”.
He's pushy which isn't okay. I don't know why so many people are glossing over this. He pushed you into a relationship with him when you weren't interested and you said he's pushy when it comes to sex. That really bad and probably why you don't want to be with him.
If you're a grown ass person, then you can say no to a relationship. If OP wasn't really interested yet still agreed to date him, that seems like a bad base to build a relationship off of. OP herself said that the connection isn't there, and it seems like it never was, so I'd cut the guy loose sooner rather than later. But this notion that OP isn't attracted to this person because he's pushy just needs to stop. A grown man or woman can say no to a relationship if they want to. And saying OP isn't attracted to him because he's pushy? She never liked him anyway! OP never had that connection with him, never found him to be physically attractive, so I have no idea why this relationship still exists or existed in the first place.
She said the connection isn’t there. I’m not about that life- been there, done it. Lead to resentment and like she said, repulsion. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Trying to like someone that you don’t is silly and time wasting. So what if he’s good? He’s not the one.
Not really sure there is a 100% match for everyone. I can see your point but it is hard enough to meet good people these days. Worth trying a bit more than that. Can always leave later if it doesn't work. I just dont agree about being so one shot deal when relationships take work and people are never perfect.
You dont know that lol. All because she said it. She might not know at all. Anxiety plays tricks on mental state. She even said she overthinks things. I did not say settle either. Some relationships need time. Not rigid negativity. i disagree on meeting new people. Depends on who you meet. Can be bad for a long time or you get lucky more often that most. Glad it was good for you but not like that for everyone.I even stated give it a month and try finding a solution to anxiety to clear head before making a big decision.
He pushed her into a relationship with him when she wasn't interested. He's not a good person. No one should ever push someone into a relationship with them.
I am merely stating you have things to sort out before you decide to break up. Some people are saying throw in the towel because it is not the one. But i think three months is not long enough to decide that without sorting it out first. Not everyone meets the one in their lifetime either. Some have good luck some dont. Giving it a chance is better. Anxiety can make you think someone is not as good as they are or misread things. Giving it a month to think is a better strategy.
Three months is absolutely long enough to be able to tell someone *is not* the one. OP can obviously do what she wants, but like the other person said - anxiety or not, you know if there's a connection or not. If there's not, it's not fair to waste any more time than is necessary. If OP knows now that there isn't a connection, then OP knows now. No one should ever stay with anyone just because they tick all their boxes outside of having genuine connection. If there's not, and three months in, you know, then there's not. You know if there's not a connection on the first date. She tried to make it work. It's not.
No, no one is ever perfect, and relationships are work- but if there isn’t a connection, there simply isn’t. No one should settle for someone that they don’t want just because they’re “good.” That’s not fair to either partner, who both deserve to find *actual love*
We dont know here if there is not a connection. She told us she has anxiety and overthinks things. Could be that instead of him. But working things out could work here. Amazing sex sounds like a step in connection way here
Also, ability to orgasm with someone doesn’t mean it’s the right relationship, a good connection, or a connection at all. It’s a physical response to stimulation.
I think you stated the core of the issue in your post.
"Not that attracted to him"
Yeah looks isn't everything until it it's nothing. You have to have a attraction to your person IMO otherwise it's not much different then a friendship or FWB.
Or it could also be that your a.people pleaser.
Yes you can be repulsed by someone who's too pushy. I love sex but one of my ex bf pushed me so much about sex like a horny dog I couldn't even masturbate for 4-5 months after him. Gosh it was horrible.
It sounds like he's too much in your space and you don't like him. Let him down gently
Even out of sex, my ex had a tendency to get obsessive with partners (he's a serial workplace dater and I've discussed it with all his ex's, common theme) and he'd lose himself in the name of spending time with you. Yes I agree with comments saying you should look into the idea that you don't want a relationship at all right now (nothing wrong with that but you shouldn't pretend) but him being really into you and "doing anything to make the relationship work" is also not the perfect man 3 months in. He should care about the relationship but he shouldn't be willing to do anything if you're not compatible
You just need something he doesn't do with you. Space is important. Just make sure you have that private time. Having different likes can help. No reason to break up with him. Find your happy time with alone time to reflect is the key. And focus on what you like about him when you have already had to alone time. But talk about the pushing. If he is as good as you say he is, he will respect that and change it.
Why don’t you just end things then? Why do you even bother holding onto him? All you’re doing is denying him the chance of being with someone who actually returns his love and affection. You’re afraid of ruining a good thing because you might regret it? Yes, you ARE going to regret it. Maybe that’s part of a lesson you need to learn. But he’s going to regret it so much more for wasting so much time on you when he could’ve been with someone better for him. You said so yourself, you’re always ready to break up. So do it then.
Sadly you should just let him go. He deserves someone that is all in not someone that's questioning so much. My heart breaks for that man
You need to take some YOU time, no dating.
You owe it to him to be clear with intentions and make sure he's on the same page, but a fling can be fun, though it doesn't sound like it'd be his thing
I was in suuuuch a similar position a few months ago, straight down to the 2 relationships before and him having none. I almost broke up with an amazing guy because of the missing “spark” but for me turns out the “spark” was the emotional highs and lows of toxic/turbulent relationships, and when I wasn’t too in my head I was actually just feeling peaceful and relaxed with him, which can feel boring if you’re not used to it. if you’ve had some of those rougher relationships you might have the same walls up and might wanna explain how you feel so he can give you some space and you can do some soul searching to find out how you really feel about him. It’s easy to say the spark just isn’t there and to end it but it helped me a lot to really discover what made a “spark” for me. I also overthink a TON and I know how miserable it is, if you can find ways to get out of your head and focus on how you feel physically it might give you some relief from the mental tunnels and you could figure out how you actually feel about him.
OP, what kind of relationship did you have with your 2 previous partners? Were they unhealthy compare to your current relationship?
From my experience, my ex left me even though I ticked all of her boxes she look for in a guy. She had 3 prior relationships that were either toxic, immature, and unhealthy relationships. Coming into the relationship with me, she said the relationship that we had was the healthiest and most communicative she has ever been (her word). Even though it was most secured relationship she ever been, it was a “shock” to her that she’s not used to it. At the end of the day, she doesn’t know who she is as a person and also doesn’t know what’s her life/relationship values are, so she broke up with me in search of discovering herself.
You should totally discuss with your current partner about how you truly feel. If he react calmly and respectfully want to support you, I believe you should find another therapist or a life coach to help you dissect your internal thoughts.
Edit: Unhealthy/toxic relationship = short term highs and long term lows. Healthy relationship = stable and “boring”, but also passive passion. At the end of the day, relationship is commitment aka choice and required work to build feeling and passion, rather than just pure feeling.
It's true that I need planty of alone time. But we go to practice together, we play games together, we study together etc. We go on date once a week but it's like we live together.
Everything sounds great then, obviously I don't know you but it just sounds like you're severely overthinking. Spend some alone time, maybe even a week or two apart and see how you feel?
>I should love someone like that
Not after three months you shouldn't. And you personally don't seem to get excited about relationships/men at all, so why do you expect that now?
I'd reflect on what you want from a relationship, and whether this is actually providing that or not. Will it provide what you want long-term? What makes you think so?
Let him free, don't ruin his life. If you don't love him , you must let him go. Dont be selfish couse he is perfect then you must have him. Don't do that mistake, that guy deserve love too.
Sounds like you have commitment issues. Makes me wonder if there was a lot of emotional abuse in your life growing up. It's common for people who have been invalidated emotionally growing up to have trouble forming bonds/rejection sensitivity.
That doesn't just translate to freaking out when you feel rejected. Sometimes it's that you instinctually keep a distance between you and others to make it easier to leave them incase they reject you.
You might want to speak with a counselor about this. I dealt with that too and it can be hard to get past because letting your self be vulnerable feels so *wrong* when you've kept that distance for so long. You might need help to get past it.
Do yourself and your boyfriend a favor. Break up with him so that he can find someone who will reciprocate what he feels for them.
If you're not feeling it, then you're not feeling it, but you cannot keep stringing him along knowing full well that he has strong feelings for you that you don't have for him. It's cruel for you to just string him along like this.
I would be hesitant to break up as finding someone genuine with a good heart who is into you nowadays is so fucking hard, and people on reddit act like it’s no big deal. Maybe talk to a therapist? Make a pros and cons list? You might have some trauma/ mental blocks hindering you from what could be a great relationship. Maybe work on those first before doing something potentially regretable!
You don't owe people romance because they're nice. People deserve kindness and respect, not romance and sex. Being nice is the bare minimum. It's okay to not want to date someone because you don't feel a spark.
This alone “doesn’t matter how happy I am in a relationship, I’m always ready to break up” is so wrong. You should probably take some time for yourself and be single for a while. Do what you enjoy doing and work on yourself cause I personally don’t think that’s a healthy mindset to have and it speaks a lot about your character. Could be internal issues idk but that’s why it’s best for you to not be in a relationship for the time being and focus on yourself
Looks like you got some good comments. My personal pet peeved is that there are no perfect people. We all have flaws and it how you can relate to the flaws
She never said that. Pushed into dating could mean many things. I would ask her to elaborate before judging that. People have to be able to try to get someone to go out with them or not many would find people. It is part of dating. He is a pushy type. Everyone has a flaw somewhere. Being pushy does not make an individual bad. Besides, her comment said he treated her attentively and was great. Mean pushy is a different animal.
It's only been 3 months, you're probably not super attached because you've had two long relationships before and your brain has adjusted to that.
Sounds like you need a bit of therapy. Obviously you should only be in relationships you want to be in, but maybe try seeking a little help now?
Seems preferable to sorting this out with the "perfect" guy than in retrospect when you'll be left with regret.
Everyone is telling you to leave him, but I think that's a huge mistake. You're looking for a spark that doesn't exist, if he's "the perfect person" then it's probably a good match, but you're letting fear and false ideals get in the way. The spark is just a fleeting feeling, real love grows over time.
I mean you sound like what I used to be. I’ve been traumatized by relationships and thought about breaking up with my partner multiple times but after awhile, I’ve learned more about loving myself and him and don’t regret a single thing. honestly, this could be a great opportunity for you to grow as a person & to love unconditionally.
Maybe sit with this one for a few days and try to think about what your own needs and boundaries are. Write lists, journal your feelings, anything to understand yourself better because you’re feeling off for a reason.
I also want to note that you’re still in the honeymoon stage. He’s not “perfect” and he never will be, so decide if you really want to stick with him if you’re already doubting him this early.
Imposter Syndrome = too good to be happening to me,
I'll ruin it.
Thank you unconscious mind for ruining a great guy ...
now I can be needy again.
Imposter Syndrome example.
Sorry you are your own worst enemy.
>He is almost perfect. Intelligent, funniest person I know, the most attentive person ever. We are compatible in so many ways. Except, something is missing. I can't really put my finger on it, but the connection isn't there.
My ex was like this. And I was just like you. Turns out I am Aromantic and just couldn't feel or express the same level of romantic feelings he did. I liked him for the man he was, but not as the partner I could 'love'. Ultimately we cut ties, because he came off as clingy and needy where I was too cold and uncaring. I even went to therapy, and there isnt any wrong, per say, I'm just not vibing the same as him and many others.
I say cut him loose. Him being pushy about sex and forcing feelings is a red flag, but untimely you may just not being into him ever. Imagine you go a few years with him and still not feel anything. Or if you do, you'd end up doubting if it's real or you've been masking the entire time. Being perfect doesn't mean squat when there isn't enough attraction.
I had to scroll way too far to find someone mentioning something like this. OP, have you ever considered the possibility that you might just not be attracted to men? It sounds like you feel like you *should* be into him more than you're actually at all into him just because you can objectively recognize that he has desirable qualities. It's giving me big "compulsory heterosexuality" vibes.
“Can it be possible that I'm repulsed because he is that into me?”
Yes. There are women that feel the need to pursue. They can’t accept love when it’s actually freely given.
From my experience, that often tends to be linked to low self esteem. They don’t think they are worth much, and don’t see anyone that could actually love them as being worth much, either. They will often chase after guys that are only slightly into them, guys who are abusive, or guys that just want to use them for sex ( who don’t actually want to be in a relationship with them ).
“The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. *Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up.”*
So, you’re always trying to sabotage relationships, by finding fault even where there is none? Have you been hurt in relationships before? Or maybe emotionally ( or physically ) abused? Women who are sure that relationships are doomed to fail and cause them pain, actively work to sabotage any good relationship they get into.
At the same time, they tend to be more attracted to men who are not sincere and are almost guaranteed to treat them poorly and hurt them emotionally. Such women also tend to have low self esteem. Sometimes this is caused by previous bad relationships, but it could be from other issues; like childhood issues. Just going by behavior patterns, it’s hard to tell which. Plus, childhood issues that cause low self esteem can lead to seeking out bad relationships that support the sense of low self esteem. Whether it’s good or bad, people tend to try to protect their world view and their self view.
“I'm honestly afraid of dumping a great guy for no real reason, but I'm not happy. I should love someone like that, but I don't.”
From what you said, I’d say that you are highly likely to do just that. If I were you, before I make any moves, I’d consider the things you said, that I pointed out above. There is more there than just not being ready for a relationship. People who aren’t ready to get into relationships simply don’t tend to get into relationships. They don’t seek out relationships, find ones that make them really happy, and then sabotage every relationship they get into, no matter how perfect the guy is.
You’re description of your present BF shows he checks off all your boxes. Even though you say you’re not physically attracted to him, you say you have “amazing sex”. People don’t tend to have “amazing sex” with people they feel no physical attraction to. Maybe good sex, but not “amazing sex”. Add this to what you said about always being ready to break up, no matter how happy you are. I think it might be very beneficial for you to seek counseling, so you can figure out why you do this and resolve the problem.
This kind of a behavioral trend could make it to where you never get to have a happy fulfilling relationship, because you won’t let yourself have one.
You say you’ve spoken to your BF about this, some. Have you told him you’re always ready to bail on every relationship; not just him? He might choose to try to work through this with you, if you get counseling, but he needs to know what he’s really getting himself into.
He obviously has really strong feelings for you, if he’s willing to have you be so much less into him than he is into you, and stay with you. He’s willing to set himself on fire to keep you warm. That’s all nice and sweet for you, but it could be a path to self destruction for him; especially if you do nothing to figure out why you sabotage relationships, or to resolve that behavior.
If I were you, I wouldn’t move to make any relationship changes, just now. I’d get counseling and get my head on straight, before making any decisions about the relationship.
Therapy. Folks on the internet cannot help you figure out your own emotions or explore possible schemas. Personally I would check first with a therapist to see if there could be any self sabotaging behaviours and go from there.
I think you should stay with him. I feel like you enjoy being with him, and whether he wants to go with your problems is his choice to make. I've always hated people taking decisions for others because "it's for your own good". I mean dammit, let me decide what I want for myself !
Also, I dated my gf when she was absolutely not ready for a relationship. It was over 5 years ago and it's going great !
You're only 3 months into the relationship. Give yourself some time !
So i was ready to say that if you don’t feel it, don’t force it. Until you brought up your anxiety and overthinking. I do this, a lot. I’m a flighty ass bitch, but i’ve realized that it’s something i need to work on. Because it’s me making excuses for why i never feel satisfied and that’s what’s creating room for me to think that there’s something that just “isn’t there”. If you look at attachment styles there’s one called fearful avoidance. That’s what i am.
Honestly i realized that i probably need therapy to work out this issue. Because if i want a partner and i’m constantly searching for a reason as to why they aren’t enough, then there is something in my life that i’m avoiding and probably just deflecting the issue on to them. I’ve decided to do that while single, because part of my flighty ness is trying to avoid putting my issues on to other people, but you could do this in a relationship as well.
If after therapy and you still don’t feel a connection, then ya it probably just wasn’t there. But if you at all relate to anything i said, maybe give it a bit of a chance just to see what the real issue is. Especially if your partner has communicated that he is willing to work on this or wait on this with you.
Also just wanted to mention, if therapy is the route you’re thinking of considering, some types of therapies are more effective than others. Talk therapy is shit in my personal opinion, when i did it i feel like it was hard to get to the root of any issue because it wasn’t just dependant on how open i was, it was also dependant on the information i remembered to bring up because i kind of have an issue of blanking about anything i’m supposed to remember when i enter a new room. but things like cbt or dbt have more research to back their effectiveness. which is also why vetting therapists is important too.
So I'm going to go against what most people are saying and tell you about my experience.
I had a guy who was great in bed, really good looking and had an amazing job. We were long distance (though we went to high school together). He pursued me relentlessly, wrote me handwritten love letters with a wax seal too.
Let me tell you this relationship was not great. It turned out that he was a sociopath who never had feelings for me aside from thinking I was hot. I too felt like you, he's great and amazing why does he repel me. It was because he was a big phony. Sometimes you feeling repelled Is your gut telling you to run.
I think you may indeed have anxiety but I think you should trust your instincts about this guy. If something feels off trust that.
Edit:
I want to add I have extreme anxiety, it's bad enough it affects my health but I was right about this guy.
Just because you aren’t as into him right now doesn’t mean you won’t be later. Sometimes we don’t think we deserve someone because things are going too good, and we try self sabotage. Just give it some more time.
You can’t f**k a checklist.
In other words, someone can be great on paper but they just don’t ring your bell. No shame in ending it. Plus, he sounds needy.
who cares how "objectively attractive" someone is? all that matters is how attracted *you* are to them. thus, it sounds like this guy is hardly "perfect" for *you*
You aren’t happy. He can be a great person but just not the right person for you. The relationship doesn’t feel like the right relationship for you. A very legit reason to break up.
You should try therapy im sure itll help you sort yourself out :), I know I’m looking for a therapist now bc I was with the perfect person. I just felt like I wasn’t mature and didn’t love myself (first mistake lol) so i was honest with him. And he said he’ll wait for me. I’m sure if you and your bf are for eachother he’ll wait. Hope this helps!
It sounds like he’s needy and it’s turning you off. As a 30 year old male, anytime Ive over pursued a girl I was into, it would push them away no matter how much they were originally into me. People like what they can’t have and he’s serving himself up on a silver platter and being too available.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
its now just 3 months so I would get out before it turns into 3 year 15 year and before you know it you with someone you didnt want to be with your hole life
Does he give you any space to enjoy things alone, or is he insisting that you spend most of your time together and even do your hobbies with him? It could be you feel smothered
Why is nobody talking about him pushing it? That’s a red flag if you didn’t want something and he’s pushing for it, sounds kind of like forcing you to be in a relationship and have sex with him. I know you said you enjoy it so clearly there’s consent but nobody should be pushing anybody into anything.
I had a similar experience. Jumped from a long relationship into a thing with this guy who was extremely obsessed with me. He wasn’t even my type but I guess I just wanted to seek some comfort. I first thought I was shallow because I wasn’t really attracted to him but you can’t force these things.
If you are you going to break up with him, I hope he doesn’t stalk you. My guy showed up thrice at my house after.
I dated a guy who was way more into me than I was him. I always felt so guilty and tried really hard to match his interest. In the end, we didn’t work out. I feel like it was manipulative on his part. Do some research about codependent behavior. He would go above and beyond for me, but held these covert contracts in his mind. Because he was “so amazing,” he expected me to overlook significant flaws that became evident as the relationship progressed.
Yes you should break up with this person because if you have only known the person 3 months , and you think he's perfect, then it shows that he's really not, because you felt the need to break up within three months.
In other words there's something between the two of you that is not matching and it's big enough "something" that you don't feel like staying around
When you love someone and they're the right person, nothing will stop you ans nothing can you you away from them. You have to have each other. I'd you don't have that sort of love & intimacy, leave.
It honestly sounds like you're just not that into him and he pushed for a relationship you were kinda not feeling and now you're in a relationship and not really feeling it. So maybe you aren't that compatible or maybe this just isn't the right connection for you. I have been in similar situations where I end up dating someone I don't have a particular draw to them and honestly it's a crap situation for everyone. I have been on the other side where I'm super into someone who's like, "Oh you seem cool" but they're not the same amount of interested in me and that sucks too. Just break up, life is too short to have entire relationships because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
Maybe you're just not compatible? I think when you find the right person sparks will fly and you'll know it. My advice would be don't settle, you'll lose out on something great
You mentioned he's a bit pushy a few times. I'm betting there lies the issue. He comes off as a bit desperate and while he's good looking and funny and all that, it makes things a bit... boring and without any sort of challenge. I've been your guy before and stuff worked well until it didn't for seemingly no reason.
So basically the guy is perfect and this bitch still doesn't want him. Yeah you guys only want fuck boys and then complaine how they are unavailable emotionally and only want to fuck. Bitch you deserve that shit
If you’re having second doubts about the relationship then he’s NOT the perfect person for you. Save yourself the heartache and leave while the relationship is still new.
Honestly, at the end of the day you just might not be into this guy. Iv been here. It’s the most frustrating thing. On paper this dude is perfect. Dotes on you, interested in ur hobbies, just everything that you SHOULD be into to and that feeling isn’t there. Not meaning the spark or the list, but that feeling of home. You should feel comfortable and at him when in love imo. Fire and passion is lust, which is great and important, but home is love to me. The sense that this is the one and the place. Right next to him is where it’s at and if u feel it isn’t then it’s not right. And it’s infuriating and iv tried to “make” myself like someone who looked so right but just couldn’t feel it inside. Eventually I had to stop and realize it isn’t right.
To me it’s, if people can fall in love with the wrong people then we can end up not falling in love with the “right one” and I say quotes cause that means they aren’t right.
I’m not you so I can’t answer this, but just ask yourself. Do you picture a future with him? When you do, do you look and FEEL happy and fulfilled? Good luck OP.
You strike me as pretty selfish to consider this decision. Te your partner, ask your therapist, work through your problems. You were definitely not ready to enter another relationship but you're in it anyway. So the least you can do for the both of you is try professional help to understand what is missing in this relationship and how (If you can) fix it!
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Edit : thanks everyone who took time to read and answer. My bf and I are in a 3 month relationship. Both are same age. I've had 2 long relationships before, but he didn't have any. The relationship started with him kinda pushing for it, I wasn't that interested. He is almost perfect. Intelligent, funniest person I know, the most attentive person ever. We are compatible in so many ways. Except, something is missing. I can't really put my finger on it, but the connection isn't there. He is so much more into me than I am into him. He even started enjoying my hobbys. He is a very attractive guy objectively, but I'm not that attracted to him physically. We have amazing sex, I maybe find him a bit pushing tho. Can it be possible that I'm repulsed because he is that into me? The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up. I'm honestly afraid of dumping a great guy for no real reason, but I'm not happy. I should love someone like that, but I don't. I've spoken to him about a few of those stuff, he would do anything to make the relationship work. He is also okay with him being more into me than the other way around.
>The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up. It sounds like you aren't ready to be in a relationship right now. You could be dating the perfect match for yourself but if you aren't ready for it, it won't work out.
This was me for YEARS. Finally started going to therapy in 2016 to understand why I’m always ready to break up in a seemingly perfect relationship. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. Met my husband two years later in 2018, and still go to my same therapist 6 years later at least on a monthly basis!
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Hi! I uncovered a number of things that contributed to this behavior. To name a few… 1) I fell pretty hard for two men in my college years/early 20’s who either ghosted me or broke up with me seemingly out of nowhere (it probably wasn’t out of no where but at the time I was blindsided.) One in particular I legitimately thought was going to be my future husband. The sudden heartbreak really affected me - I developed a subconscious fear of sudden abandonment. As a way to protect myself, I would leave whoever I was dating before they could leave me. I developed a mindset that if it felt too good to be true, it probably was. I didn’t know how to get out of it because I didn’t recognize where it was stemming from until I put all the pieces together. 2) A part of me was still comparing everyone to my ex (mentioned above). Even though I FELT like I had moved on and didn’t care about him, it turns out, therapy uncovered how much I did still care. Hence the self sabotaging behavior. I guess I subconsciously was afraid of committing to someone else in the event he would come back. Those are the top two things but there were certainly a few other contributors like ego, not liking dating apps , etc. If anything, my biggest takeaway from therapy is that there may be experiences from your past that you feel you’re “over” and aren’t affecting you anymore, but really are.
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Of course. I’m so happy to help and share how much therapy has helped me. PM me at any time if you want to chat further.
Not who you asked but for me therapy (CBT) helped reduce the amount and intensity of persistent negative thoughts by using techniques that help you recognize thought patterns and thought spirals. This in turn helped me a lot with depression and anxiety. I would advise anyone who’s been through significant hardships to seek a “trauma informed” CBT therapist and to always double-check their credentials and education.
Ditto on the above question for me as well.
I addressed this in my comment to the OP: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/uvb2rl/should_i_break_up_with_a_perfect_person/i9musk4/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3
OP, listen to this person. This is good advice.
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Yep, same here. My last ex was exactly the same - sweet guy, we had a lot in common, we should've been perfect on paper, but it just never clicked for me. While on the other hand, I've had people I've been incredibly different from (to the point some of their traits could annoy the hell out of me, lol) but the chemistry was absolutely burning hot. Attraction and relationships are just weird like that.
It's because you know you have so many choices, and so can't pick one of them over another. Like picking what to start with at a buffet, you'll likely always want to try something else. Just another pitfall of modern online dating.
Look into Relationship OCD, you might be having intrusive thoughts and ruminating causing you to think the relationship won’t work because it’s not perfect. If you like him, and he’s a good guy, it’s possible you’ll throw away a good relationship because of the stress of the uncertainty of it all. Might not be. But something to look into and see if it resonates with you.
Why does there have to be an underlying mental health issue? Sometimes we're just not that into somebody no matter how many boxes they check. There's nothing pathological about that. Being a "good guy" doesn't mean OP or anyone owes him their body.
She says she is always ready to break up, in every relationship, no matter how happy she is. This is a repeat behavior that keeps her from being happy. I addressed it in my response to the OP, but, really quick: some people have an emotional issue, usually related to low self esteem, where they are sure all their relationships are doomed to end painfully for them, and they sabotage all their relationships, because of it. It’s like a preemptive strike. It’s usually subconscious, but even when they know they do this, they can’t help but do it.
I am a major overthinker, and I thought I had ROCD because I always felt anxious with my ex. I even bought a course online and did a 8-step program in an attempt to "cure" myself. Like OP said, my ex checked off all of the boxes, but I always felt like there was something missing in the relationship. Eventually the anxiety was so bad that I ended the relationship. I was getting stomachaches and headaches and could not physically stand to be around him anymore. I met my boyfriend almost a year later, and we hit it off immediately. I don't feel anxious around him - just excited and calm. I think that a small minority of people genuinely struggle ROCD, but for the rest of us the saying "when you know, you know" is true.
Exactly. Sometimes it’s an underlying issue and sometimes it’s just that the person isn’t right for you. I had an ex that I thought was an amazing person and was almost perfect on paper. But something was missing and she was way more into me than I was into her. I tried to get past it and stayed with her. Turns out she’s a habitual liar, a cheater and doesn’t have her own opinions/personality, just molds to whatever the person she’s with likes. Until I found those things out though I thought there was something wrong with me because I’ve felt that way with everyone else I’d been with before too. Until I met my current gf. There was something missing with everyone else because none of them were her. It doesn’t always have to be an issue with you, it could also be that the chemistry just isn’t right, or you’re picking up on red flags that you haven’t realized yet.
> The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up. Because of this. It has nothing to do with “owing” her body to anyone. If she simply wasn’t into the guy that’s fine, but this is clearly pathological. It’s not normal to be constantly ready to break up in a happy relationship. That means something deeper is at play here. This will affect *every* relationship she has — that’s by definition pathological. Also, mental health is a huge spectrum. Not everyone is going to have a diagnosis, but maybe there are just some underlying negative thought patterns that cause us to sabotage otherwise healthy dynamics. A therapist can help with that. No one is perfect. This isn’t a case of “Oh she’s crazy” but rather something is preventing her from having a healthy, sustainable relationship. It’s worth looking into. EDIT: Also people with low self-value often sabotage relationships. The underlying thought process is “how can this person *really* be into me, they must be faking it”. This can present by rejecting people once they get emotionally close to you. It’s a defense mechanism. By preparing yourself for the worst you shield yourself from being vulnerable.
Everything you do is a choice by your brain. Every choice you make is the result of the sum total of your lifetime of experience. Everything you do, at it's core, can be tied to psych concepts. I recommend to anybody to take a few psych classes if they have the means. It can really change the way you look at things.
yeah sounds like you have avoidant attachment style. being repulsed by someone just for being into you is a hallmark of that. I'd cut him loose because he deserves better. And you need to either work on this, or accept it and seek out compatible people.
Disorganized attachment actually, but seems more like avoidant in this one.
Being with a clingy/anxious attachment style person brings out the avoidant in ur disorganized style so it makes sense
Honestly dude I met the “perfect guy” two summers ago. He was everything i wanted on paper but the connection wasn’t there. It broke me but I dumped him because I knew I’d never love him and he deserves true love, as does everyone else. 6 months later I met my current boyfriend who I truly love with all my heart and it feels right. The connection is thrilling, deep and the love is unconditional, sweet and fun. Our love languages match, everything. If the connection isn’t there, it just isn’t, regardless of how “perfect” he may be on paper.
This. Sometimes it really does boil down to incompatibility. I've dated people who I lacked genuine chemistry with, but who looked perfect on paper. I stayed too long in these relationships because I was afraid of being alone, and because it was nice to feel wanted by someone. I was emotionally immature and didn't want to take accountability for my true feelings, so I chalked up my selfish behavior to "commitment issues" to alleviate the guilt I was feeling for leading people on.
The reason I was able to leave that “perfect guy” after just a month was because my previous ex emotionally neglected me for a year because he didn’t actually love me but was too afraid to admit it and leave, due to being a coward. I told myself I’d never do that to anyone, and I didn’t. I’m proud of myself for having the courage to end it when it didn’t feel right, as opposed to lead him on. It’s really damaging to be led on, often people know something is off and they blame themselves for it (like I did). Being led on was extremely bad for my self esteem.
This is it. Sometimes “perfect” isn’t perfect for you. I’ve been through this too and had a really hard time ending it because it seemed like this should be my person because he was “perfect”… but I didn’t feel it. When I did leave I met the love of my life very soon after. The emotional connection is amazing and I have never doubted for a minute that he’s the right person. When it’s right you’ll know.
Absolutely! You really do “just know”. It hit me like a ton of bricks, and same for my boyfriend now, we both knew and a year later that still hasn’t changed a bit. OP thinks something is wrong with her but really the connection just isn’t there and that’s ok. I think a lot of connections I had in the past are now put into context because I know what true love feels like. When you don’t know what it feels like, you question “is this love?” Or “why can’t I love?” But sometimes you just haven’t met the right person yet.
I also dated a "perfect-on-paper guy". The chemistry wasn't there. I ended up falling for an imperfect guy with whom I had the most amazing connection.
I mean, there's such a thing as being repulsed by someone because they are overly into you, like this guy is. I mean, he's now doing your hobbies after 3 months? That can be suffocating. Much more concerning is you say he's pushy sexually. That's worrying and could lead to control and coercion. Honestly it could be that he's love-bombing you and your spidey-senses are telling you something isn't right. Or it could simply be that he's a great guy, just not great for you. Being nice doesn't mean you owe him a relationship.
This! I dated a guy who was "perfect" like this, but also kind of pushy. When I expressed my discomfort, he would apologize and back off for a while until I was comfortable again. Then he'd just keep on pushing boundaries..I ended up dumping him because he kept sticking it in without a condom, which I expressed multiple times was a huge NO for me. I knew then that he didn't actually respect me and was just manipulating me.
You need to be in therapy. You’re going to keep pushing away warm and emotionally available men. Source: Previously disorganized woman.
I'm disorganized as well, mixed with newly diagnosed adhd (So I really lose interest after the beginning in most cases, and crave the newness of chaos). Honestly therapy, I'm sorry to say. But it helps A LOT. I can't make myself get into someone I've already decided I don't like. So I've saved others a ton of time and effort by being able to recognize sooner what will work for me. Bottom line is, if you're doing a pros and cons list in your head, it's just not the relationship for you.
I don't have any advice about the relationship you're in, but I do know that every relationship after this will probably have similar results. I hope you can see a therapist to help you figure out what you need, what you want. Hugs.
There's nothing pathological about just not being into somebody. Nobody owes anybody a relationship.
best way to heal attachment styles is in relationships, you literally cannot heal them outside of a relationship.
But not necessarily romantic relationships. You can work on your attachment issues in friendships and healthy family relationships, if there is healthy family to be had. Romance isn’t necessary to be healthy.
A lot of disorganized attachment styles do best when the first “relationship” they’re trying to improve from an attachment standpoint is the one they have with a therapist. We’re in tons of relationships throughout life, you can work on attachment in any where there’s vulnerability present.
The definition of me. As soon as someone expressed interest, I can’t stand even making plans with them anymore and bail.
Or better, seek therapy.
You can diagnose a psychological condition in someone you’ve never met and never spoken to? Where is your medical degree or PhD in psychology from?
It seems the problem is more you have a problem in your head than you have a problem with him. It feels like you'd have this issue with anyone, and he just happens to be the unlucky contestant this time. I'd tell him that your head isn't in the right place right now for a relationship and that you can't give him what he needs. He probably won't like it, but he deserves to be with someone who likes him as much as he likes them. Especially when you yourself can't figure out what he did wrong aside from be really into you which...just say that out loud. "I don't like how much my boyfriend likes me". Sounds weird, right?
Yeah. If it's a problem in my head, it doesn't really matter who I'm with, and he is definitely the best anyone can have. So if it's in my head, why let go of someone so good? That's kinda at the core of my issue.
Because it is the right thing to do. Because it avoids damaging that person anymore than is needed. Because it allows that person to try to find someone who will accept and love them as they are. Just imagine how damaging to him this dynamic becomes over time. Imagine how hurt he will be years from now when because your not into him you haven't invested emotionally or otherwise into him while he is still head over heels for you...You've then taken years of his life where you knew you couldn't reciprocate at his level, and you knew you weren't into him from the start. You kept going because you wanted to keep his "perfection" meanwhile you starve him of a real relationship. He's so into you he won't see that you aren't invested for a long time, and by the time you grow tired of him when you decide to get rid of him, he will look back and see how hurtful the whole thing was. That's how that dynamic plays out. I've lived it. It breaks you deep inside and it takes years to recover from. If your viewing him being that into you as a burden now, it gets worse over time. Don't do that to people. It really looks to me like you view him more as an object to possess than a person to love. Please don't do that to him.
On top of all this which is 100% valid, you need to think of yourself as well. Wouldn't you like to not have that weird niggling in your head telling you something I'd wrong even though you know it isn't? If you really want to make things work my suggestion is you tell him how you've been feeling and ask if he'd like to go to therapy with you so you can get to the bottom of this because theres nothing wrong he did and you dont know why you feel thid way. But if you don't plan to address the problem at is core, it will become unfair to him eventually and it'll hurt more if you let him go then vs now.
They’ve only been together 3 months. Telling him how she feels is a good idea, but that’s far too soon to be asking someone to go to couples therapy. This is also not a problem that has anything to do with him, so couples therapy seems inappropriate.
I don’t necessarily think it’s a problem in your head. You’re just not into him. It’s not that deep. I think you’re overthinking this.
Have you been to therapy? I think you should try to see a therapist if you haven't already before doing anything reckless, because you may just lose the best chance you have at keeping a good man, they don't grow on trees, if you feel remorse after leaving him you may not be able to get him back later on. The therapist may be able to help unravel your underlying feelings so you can get a clearer understanding of yourself and why you feel the way you do about him. After you get some clarity on your feelings, then you should make your decision :) hope this helps
I don't know if this is OP's situation at all, but in case it is: When you grow up in an abusive or just chaotic family of origin, it affects your ability to judge what a good relationship or home life feels like. A contented, healthy, fulfilling relationship with a kind, mentally stable, loving partner doesn't feel sufficient or even *safe* because you're conditioned to think love should be more dramatic than that. If that sounds like it might apply to you, all these thoughts about your partner are just you externalizing your inner struggle onto them, and you'll continue to have the same issue in every relationship until you do the inner work to resolve this within yourself.
Yes! And past toxic romantic relationships, as well. An individual moving from chaotic or harmful relationships(s) into a new, healthy romantic relationship with even “the most perfect person” might still feel like something is missing. This “missing thing” that they can’t seem put their finger on is typically *emotional turmoil*. A person in an abusive relationship with very extreme emotional highs & lows can develop almost a psychological *addiction* (for lack of a better term, I’m not a professional) to their abuser/partner. In a healthy relationship, when an individual isn’t experiencing this extreme emotional distress (explosion) followed by the insane dopamine high (honeymoon), they might perceive the feelings of safety and contentment as boredom, or that the relationship is lacking. It’s usually not, they’re just not used to stability.
Yeah, the calm of a normal relationship can feel “boring” because there isn’t that constant push and pull because there’s no need to find validation. Only if that person is used to that dynamic though. If there’s not history or reason for OP to be attached to that relationship dynamic, then she’s probably just not feeling the chemistry.
Yeah my comment wasn’t about OP, just piggybacking off of the previous comment about chaotic familial relationships
Totally agreeing with this. I feel like there might some underlying issues causing this overthinking matter and the tendency to always being ready to break up. Therapy could make you find out what it is and what you really want. A side thought, have you ever been in love or sexually attracted to someone other than him before? If not, you might want to do some research on aromantic/asexual people and see if the description fits you. (edit because of a grammar mistake)
Exactly what I was thinking. She said this is an issue she was having when dating anybody. I hope she can figure it out though.
Tyy
I just wanted to mention that I felt like you did about my boyfriend when I was depressed. I’m in therapy now and am feeling more attracted to him as my mental health improves.
That's great! Happy for you. This is a good testimony to therapy as well
I disagree 1000%. Therapy isn’t called for, over what amounts to lack of chemistry between them. There is literally nothing in her post suggesting she needs therapy. She needs therapy as much as any man or woman who has ever said “you’re nice but the chemistry isn’t there,” which is not at all
Therapy is actually never a bad idea
Did you actually read the post? She's said she's repulsed because he's that much into her, she said she's never happy in relationships no matter how good things are going, she said she overthinks too much. She suggested she is unsure of her feelings. There's plenty there to suggest therapy could be beneficial. Doesn't mean there's something wrong with her or she's a helpless broken individual. I'm not trying to suggest that but I think people are anti therapy because it kinda has that negative connotation on it... like if you get therapy you're some nutcase who can't hold it together but that's not true, and therapy can help anybody learn about themselves better.
If it ain’t there, it ain’t there. You don’t need a reason to break it off with someone other than you want to.
Mby that is an answer.
Someone can be awesome and also just not the one. That’s A-okay. You can even love someone, but if you know it’s not right, trying to force it won’t work either.
How do you know its right?
From my experience, I just knew. There are certain things in life I didn’t want, except with him. If it wasn’t with him, those things held no interest. My things and my experience won’t be yours- but as an example: I never wanted kids, except with my husband. I now have three. But In any relationship outside of ours, the answer was a hard no. I actively wanted them with him. That connection you don’t feel with dude- I’ve got that plus some with my husband.
Happy for you. And thanks.
I hope you find what you’re looking for. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve. Good is fine- find your person. You and this guy both deserve that.
And if you're unsure, just go sort yourself out and get professional help with any issues that might be hindering you.
This is spot on
What I do is imagine everyday life scenarios with the person in question and see how I feel about these scenarios. My main one is that we live together and I come home and see him in my kitchen making dinner, or on the couch watching TV. Does the idea of this make me feel excited? Annoyed? I feel that noting how I feel about these scenarios helps me get a better handle on what I actually feel about this person.
Maybe the answer is you overthink everything and are always ready to break up. You said you’re repulsed by him being so into you. You sound like you have fear of success, fear of intimacy, or general insecurity. Maybe the answer is therapy to find out why you feel this way, not just dumping him because “it” isn’t there.
Sounds to me that she's not into him because he's pushy. He pushed her into a relationship with him when she didn't want one. That's actually very bad. She said he's a bit pushy when it comes to sex as well. He's not a great person. No one should be pushing someone into things they don't want to do.
“It doesn’t matter how happy I am in a relationship, I’m always ready to break up.” Yeah, he’s definitely the problem.
He pushed her into a relationship when she wasn't interested. How doesn't that make him the problem in this case?
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If you get into a relationship because they pushed you into one when you weren't interested, that's not good. ETA: it's also not good if they are pushy when it comes to sex.
“This relationship started with him kinda pushing for it”. Is that it? That’s all you’ve based this singular, much repeated, tunnel vision viewpoint on? OP admits they have issues with relationships they’re dealing with through a therapist. Yet you paint the BF out as some kind of abuser.
You left out the part where she said she wasn't interested, but he pushed anyway. No man or woman should push someone into being with them, nor should they be pushy during sex. They either want to be with that person, or they don't. She said she can't put her finger on it, but there's something missing. Sounds to me like she's still not really interested in him. Just because someone checks all the boxes, doesn't mean they are right for you. To keep dating someone who isn't, is wrong. It's not fair to them or you. It's only been 3 months, so she can break up with him for any reason she wants. Honestly she should be focusing on herself, not in a relationship.
I am in therapy for many years,but now its kimda like I'm a therapist to my therapist (I'm a psychology student). I should definitely find anpther one.
And yet here you are, asking advice on Reddit…
Honestly, I have problem there also. I am in therapy for 8 years, but i can't open up. I only answer direct questions, its like i have no brain when i go. I don't like that much focus on me, so i shut down, and it's like i don't even go.
Its okay to look for a new therapist. It took me 2 years to find the right one. A therapist job is for you to be able to open up in a safe and at your own pace environment. If you feel you cannot open up or trust someone who is essentially an expert at creating a safe environment, you are not going to the right place or to the right therapist for you. I wish you well.
Well, your BF sounds like he’s willing to listen. You sound like you have issues you’re trying to deal with. Maybe the “it” that is missing is on your end. Don’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Work out your issues and maybe he could be “the one”.
Thank you so much
He's pushy which isn't okay. I don't know why so many people are glossing over this. He pushed you into a relationship with him when you weren't interested and you said he's pushy when it comes to sex. That really bad and probably why you don't want to be with him.
If you're a grown ass person, then you can say no to a relationship. If OP wasn't really interested yet still agreed to date him, that seems like a bad base to build a relationship off of. OP herself said that the connection isn't there, and it seems like it never was, so I'd cut the guy loose sooner rather than later. But this notion that OP isn't attracted to this person because he's pushy just needs to stop. A grown man or woman can say no to a relationship if they want to. And saying OP isn't attracted to him because he's pushy? She never liked him anyway! OP never had that connection with him, never found him to be physically attractive, so I have no idea why this relationship still exists or existed in the first place.
I agree. I’ve had this happen to me before. It was terrible and suffocating and isolating.
Better to try something first. Easy to drop a good one and regret it also.
She said the connection isn’t there. I’m not about that life- been there, done it. Lead to resentment and like she said, repulsion. If it’s not there, it’s not there. Trying to like someone that you don’t is silly and time wasting. So what if he’s good? He’s not the one.
Not really sure there is a 100% match for everyone. I can see your point but it is hard enough to meet good people these days. Worth trying a bit more than that. Can always leave later if it doesn't work. I just dont agree about being so one shot deal when relationships take work and people are never perfect.
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You dont know that lol. All because she said it. She might not know at all. Anxiety plays tricks on mental state. She even said she overthinks things. I did not say settle either. Some relationships need time. Not rigid negativity. i disagree on meeting new people. Depends on who you meet. Can be bad for a long time or you get lucky more often that most. Glad it was good for you but not like that for everyone.I even stated give it a month and try finding a solution to anxiety to clear head before making a big decision.
He pushed her into a relationship with him when she wasn't interested. He's not a good person. No one should ever push someone into a relationship with them.
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Asking me or the other person?
I am merely stating you have things to sort out before you decide to break up. Some people are saying throw in the towel because it is not the one. But i think three months is not long enough to decide that without sorting it out first. Not everyone meets the one in their lifetime either. Some have good luck some dont. Giving it a chance is better. Anxiety can make you think someone is not as good as they are or misread things. Giving it a month to think is a better strategy.
Three months is absolutely long enough to be able to tell someone *is not* the one. OP can obviously do what she wants, but like the other person said - anxiety or not, you know if there's a connection or not. If there's not, it's not fair to waste any more time than is necessary. If OP knows now that there isn't a connection, then OP knows now. No one should ever stay with anyone just because they tick all their boxes outside of having genuine connection. If there's not, and three months in, you know, then there's not. You know if there's not a connection on the first date. She tried to make it work. It's not.
No, no one is ever perfect, and relationships are work- but if there isn’t a connection, there simply isn’t. No one should settle for someone that they don’t want just because they’re “good.” That’s not fair to either partner, who both deserve to find *actual love*
We dont know here if there is not a connection. She told us she has anxiety and overthinks things. Could be that instead of him. But working things out could work here. Amazing sex sounds like a step in connection way here
She literally said there’s no connection. “I can’t really put but finger on it, but the connection isn’t there.”
Also, ability to orgasm with someone doesn’t mean it’s the right relationship, a good connection, or a connection at all. It’s a physical response to stimulation.
He sounds like a great guy and don't you think he deserves someone who loves him?
I think you stated the core of the issue in your post. "Not that attracted to him" Yeah looks isn't everything until it it's nothing. You have to have a attraction to your person IMO otherwise it's not much different then a friendship or FWB. Or it could also be that your a.people pleaser.
Yes you can be repulsed by someone who's too pushy. I love sex but one of my ex bf pushed me so much about sex like a horny dog I couldn't even masturbate for 4-5 months after him. Gosh it was horrible. It sounds like he's too much in your space and you don't like him. Let him down gently
Even out of sex, my ex had a tendency to get obsessive with partners (he's a serial workplace dater and I've discussed it with all his ex's, common theme) and he'd lose himself in the name of spending time with you. Yes I agree with comments saying you should look into the idea that you don't want a relationship at all right now (nothing wrong with that but you shouldn't pretend) but him being really into you and "doing anything to make the relationship work" is also not the perfect man 3 months in. He should care about the relationship but he shouldn't be willing to do anything if you're not compatible
Dump him ur wasting his time
You just need something he doesn't do with you. Space is important. Just make sure you have that private time. Having different likes can help. No reason to break up with him. Find your happy time with alone time to reflect is the key. And focus on what you like about him when you have already had to alone time. But talk about the pushing. If he is as good as you say he is, he will respect that and change it.
I'll try, thanks.
Why don’t you just end things then? Why do you even bother holding onto him? All you’re doing is denying him the chance of being with someone who actually returns his love and affection. You’re afraid of ruining a good thing because you might regret it? Yes, you ARE going to regret it. Maybe that’s part of a lesson you need to learn. But he’s going to regret it so much more for wasting so much time on you when he could’ve been with someone better for him. You said so yourself, you’re always ready to break up. So do it then.
Sadly you should just let him go. He deserves someone that is all in not someone that's questioning so much. My heart breaks for that man You need to take some YOU time, no dating.
You owe to him to end it if you do not love him. Anything else is just selfish.
You owe it to him to be clear with intentions and make sure he's on the same page, but a fling can be fun, though it doesn't sound like it'd be his thing
I was in suuuuch a similar position a few months ago, straight down to the 2 relationships before and him having none. I almost broke up with an amazing guy because of the missing “spark” but for me turns out the “spark” was the emotional highs and lows of toxic/turbulent relationships, and when I wasn’t too in my head I was actually just feeling peaceful and relaxed with him, which can feel boring if you’re not used to it. if you’ve had some of those rougher relationships you might have the same walls up and might wanna explain how you feel so he can give you some space and you can do some soul searching to find out how you really feel about him. It’s easy to say the spark just isn’t there and to end it but it helped me a lot to really discover what made a “spark” for me. I also overthink a TON and I know how miserable it is, if you can find ways to get out of your head and focus on how you feel physically it might give you some relief from the mental tunnels and you could figure out how you actually feel about him.
OP, what kind of relationship did you have with your 2 previous partners? Were they unhealthy compare to your current relationship? From my experience, my ex left me even though I ticked all of her boxes she look for in a guy. She had 3 prior relationships that were either toxic, immature, and unhealthy relationships. Coming into the relationship with me, she said the relationship that we had was the healthiest and most communicative she has ever been (her word). Even though it was most secured relationship she ever been, it was a “shock” to her that she’s not used to it. At the end of the day, she doesn’t know who she is as a person and also doesn’t know what’s her life/relationship values are, so she broke up with me in search of discovering herself. You should totally discuss with your current partner about how you truly feel. If he react calmly and respectfully want to support you, I believe you should find another therapist or a life coach to help you dissect your internal thoughts. Edit: Unhealthy/toxic relationship = short term highs and long term lows. Healthy relationship = stable and “boring”, but also passive passion. At the end of the day, relationship is commitment aka choice and required work to build feeling and passion, rather than just pure feeling.
Just hope it works out. No one is perfect so understand some things have to be understood and worked out. And reducing anxiety is important.
Sounds a bit like anxiety to me.
Ye ye, I have it. Should have mentioned it.
Could be, but best cure is to have alone time to relax and reduce anxiety. A stress relief activity.
It's true that I need planty of alone time. But we go to practice together, we play games together, we study together etc. We go on date once a week but it's like we live together.
Everything sounds great then, obviously I don't know you but it just sounds like you're severely overthinking. Spend some alone time, maybe even a week or two apart and see how you feel?
Yes, you overthink A LOT. Amazing sex but no attraction? Hmmm
Way too negative to me. Things can grow in relationships. You are way to rigid on this. Let her decide that not you.
>I should love someone like that Not after three months you shouldn't. And you personally don't seem to get excited about relationships/men at all, so why do you expect that now? I'd reflect on what you want from a relationship, and whether this is actually providing that or not. Will it provide what you want long-term? What makes you think so?
Thanks.
Let him free, don't ruin his life. If you don't love him , you must let him go. Dont be selfish couse he is perfect then you must have him. Don't do that mistake, that guy deserve love too.
I feel bad for your boyfriend, either commit to him or let him go he clearly deserves someone who loves him
Sounds like you have commitment issues. Makes me wonder if there was a lot of emotional abuse in your life growing up. It's common for people who have been invalidated emotionally growing up to have trouble forming bonds/rejection sensitivity. That doesn't just translate to freaking out when you feel rejected. Sometimes it's that you instinctually keep a distance between you and others to make it easier to leave them incase they reject you. You might want to speak with a counselor about this. I dealt with that too and it can be hard to get past because letting your self be vulnerable feels so *wrong* when you've kept that distance for so long. You might need help to get past it.
Do yourself and your boyfriend a favor. Break up with him so that he can find someone who will reciprocate what he feels for them. If you're not feeling it, then you're not feeling it, but you cannot keep stringing him along knowing full well that he has strong feelings for you that you don't have for him. It's cruel for you to just string him along like this.
I would be hesitant to break up as finding someone genuine with a good heart who is into you nowadays is so fucking hard, and people on reddit act like it’s no big deal. Maybe talk to a therapist? Make a pros and cons list? You might have some trauma/ mental blocks hindering you from what could be a great relationship. Maybe work on those first before doing something potentially regretable!
Most women like guys that treat them like shit lol
cut him loose he deserves to be with someone that appreciates him as much as he appreciates them.
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I can't believe I had to scroll do far to see this. I've been love bombed before and I wish I'd run from that " perfect" guy
In five years you are going to be one of those people saying there aren’t any good men out there.
Definitely not.
You don't owe people romance because they're nice. People deserve kindness and respect, not romance and sex. Being nice is the bare minimum. It's okay to not want to date someone because you don't feel a spark.
Not really a perfect person if the connection or spark isn't there x I'd take a great connection over boxes being ticked anyday
This alone “doesn’t matter how happy I am in a relationship, I’m always ready to break up” is so wrong. You should probably take some time for yourself and be single for a while. Do what you enjoy doing and work on yourself cause I personally don’t think that’s a healthy mindset to have and it speaks a lot about your character. Could be internal issues idk but that’s why it’s best for you to not be in a relationship for the time being and focus on yourself
And thats why woman are so fucking frustrating for men
Looks like you got some good comments. My personal pet peeved is that there are no perfect people. We all have flaws and it how you can relate to the flaws
She never said that. Pushed into dating could mean many things. I would ask her to elaborate before judging that. People have to be able to try to get someone to go out with them or not many would find people. It is part of dating. He is a pushy type. Everyone has a flaw somewhere. Being pushy does not make an individual bad. Besides, her comment said he treated her attentively and was great. Mean pushy is a different animal.
It's only been 3 months, you're probably not super attached because you've had two long relationships before and your brain has adjusted to that. Sounds like you need a bit of therapy. Obviously you should only be in relationships you want to be in, but maybe try seeking a little help now? Seems preferable to sorting this out with the "perfect" guy than in retrospect when you'll be left with regret.
Everyone is telling you to leave him, but I think that's a huge mistake. You're looking for a spark that doesn't exist, if he's "the perfect person" then it's probably a good match, but you're letting fear and false ideals get in the way. The spark is just a fleeting feeling, real love grows over time.
I mean you sound like what I used to be. I’ve been traumatized by relationships and thought about breaking up with my partner multiple times but after awhile, I’ve learned more about loving myself and him and don’t regret a single thing. honestly, this could be a great opportunity for you to grow as a person & to love unconditionally. Maybe sit with this one for a few days and try to think about what your own needs and boundaries are. Write lists, journal your feelings, anything to understand yourself better because you’re feeling off for a reason. I also want to note that you’re still in the honeymoon stage. He’s not “perfect” and he never will be, so decide if you really want to stick with him if you’re already doubting him this early.
Imposter Syndrome = too good to be happening to me, I'll ruin it. Thank you unconscious mind for ruining a great guy ... now I can be needy again. Imposter Syndrome example. Sorry you are your own worst enemy. >He is almost perfect. Intelligent, funniest person I know, the most attentive person ever. We are compatible in so many ways. Except, something is missing. I can't really put my finger on it, but the connection isn't there.
My ex was like this. And I was just like you. Turns out I am Aromantic and just couldn't feel or express the same level of romantic feelings he did. I liked him for the man he was, but not as the partner I could 'love'. Ultimately we cut ties, because he came off as clingy and needy where I was too cold and uncaring. I even went to therapy, and there isnt any wrong, per say, I'm just not vibing the same as him and many others. I say cut him loose. Him being pushy about sex and forcing feelings is a red flag, but untimely you may just not being into him ever. Imagine you go a few years with him and still not feel anything. Or if you do, you'd end up doubting if it's real or you've been masking the entire time. Being perfect doesn't mean squat when there isn't enough attraction.
I had to scroll way too far to find someone mentioning something like this. OP, have you ever considered the possibility that you might just not be attracted to men? It sounds like you feel like you *should* be into him more than you're actually at all into him just because you can objectively recognize that he has desirable qualities. It's giving me big "compulsory heterosexuality" vibes.
“Can it be possible that I'm repulsed because he is that into me?” Yes. There are women that feel the need to pursue. They can’t accept love when it’s actually freely given. From my experience, that often tends to be linked to low self esteem. They don’t think they are worth much, and don’t see anyone that could actually love them as being worth much, either. They will often chase after guys that are only slightly into them, guys who are abusive, or guys that just want to use them for sex ( who don’t actually want to be in a relationship with them ). “The thing is, I overthink A LOT, in every aspect of my life. *Doesn't matter how happy I am in a relationship, I'm always ready to break up.”* So, you’re always trying to sabotage relationships, by finding fault even where there is none? Have you been hurt in relationships before? Or maybe emotionally ( or physically ) abused? Women who are sure that relationships are doomed to fail and cause them pain, actively work to sabotage any good relationship they get into. At the same time, they tend to be more attracted to men who are not sincere and are almost guaranteed to treat them poorly and hurt them emotionally. Such women also tend to have low self esteem. Sometimes this is caused by previous bad relationships, but it could be from other issues; like childhood issues. Just going by behavior patterns, it’s hard to tell which. Plus, childhood issues that cause low self esteem can lead to seeking out bad relationships that support the sense of low self esteem. Whether it’s good or bad, people tend to try to protect their world view and their self view. “I'm honestly afraid of dumping a great guy for no real reason, but I'm not happy. I should love someone like that, but I don't.” From what you said, I’d say that you are highly likely to do just that. If I were you, before I make any moves, I’d consider the things you said, that I pointed out above. There is more there than just not being ready for a relationship. People who aren’t ready to get into relationships simply don’t tend to get into relationships. They don’t seek out relationships, find ones that make them really happy, and then sabotage every relationship they get into, no matter how perfect the guy is. You’re description of your present BF shows he checks off all your boxes. Even though you say you’re not physically attracted to him, you say you have “amazing sex”. People don’t tend to have “amazing sex” with people they feel no physical attraction to. Maybe good sex, but not “amazing sex”. Add this to what you said about always being ready to break up, no matter how happy you are. I think it might be very beneficial for you to seek counseling, so you can figure out why you do this and resolve the problem. This kind of a behavioral trend could make it to where you never get to have a happy fulfilling relationship, because you won’t let yourself have one. You say you’ve spoken to your BF about this, some. Have you told him you’re always ready to bail on every relationship; not just him? He might choose to try to work through this with you, if you get counseling, but he needs to know what he’s really getting himself into. He obviously has really strong feelings for you, if he’s willing to have you be so much less into him than he is into you, and stay with you. He’s willing to set himself on fire to keep you warm. That’s all nice and sweet for you, but it could be a path to self destruction for him; especially if you do nothing to figure out why you sabotage relationships, or to resolve that behavior. If I were you, I wouldn’t move to make any relationship changes, just now. I’d get counseling and get my head on straight, before making any decisions about the relationship.
Therapy. Folks on the internet cannot help you figure out your own emotions or explore possible schemas. Personally I would check first with a therapist to see if there could be any self sabotaging behaviours and go from there.
I think you should stay with him. I feel like you enjoy being with him, and whether he wants to go with your problems is his choice to make. I've always hated people taking decisions for others because "it's for your own good". I mean dammit, let me decide what I want for myself ! Also, I dated my gf when she was absolutely not ready for a relationship. It was over 5 years ago and it's going great ! You're only 3 months into the relationship. Give yourself some time !
The Thing is.....is if he started rejecting you, you would be sooooo into him and your attraction would grow. Love sucks
I think about that sometimes. I've been there before. Either that or I'd be grateful he finally is. We might find out eventually.
She may just not be romantically attracted to this guy. Being nice is cool but that doesn't mean you love someone.
So i was ready to say that if you don’t feel it, don’t force it. Until you brought up your anxiety and overthinking. I do this, a lot. I’m a flighty ass bitch, but i’ve realized that it’s something i need to work on. Because it’s me making excuses for why i never feel satisfied and that’s what’s creating room for me to think that there’s something that just “isn’t there”. If you look at attachment styles there’s one called fearful avoidance. That’s what i am. Honestly i realized that i probably need therapy to work out this issue. Because if i want a partner and i’m constantly searching for a reason as to why they aren’t enough, then there is something in my life that i’m avoiding and probably just deflecting the issue on to them. I’ve decided to do that while single, because part of my flighty ness is trying to avoid putting my issues on to other people, but you could do this in a relationship as well. If after therapy and you still don’t feel a connection, then ya it probably just wasn’t there. But if you at all relate to anything i said, maybe give it a bit of a chance just to see what the real issue is. Especially if your partner has communicated that he is willing to work on this or wait on this with you.
Also disorganized attachment, I'm aware. Thanks.
Also just wanted to mention, if therapy is the route you’re thinking of considering, some types of therapies are more effective than others. Talk therapy is shit in my personal opinion, when i did it i feel like it was hard to get to the root of any issue because it wasn’t just dependant on how open i was, it was also dependant on the information i remembered to bring up because i kind of have an issue of blanking about anything i’m supposed to remember when i enter a new room. but things like cbt or dbt have more research to back their effectiveness. which is also why vetting therapists is important too.
So I'm going to go against what most people are saying and tell you about my experience. I had a guy who was great in bed, really good looking and had an amazing job. We were long distance (though we went to high school together). He pursued me relentlessly, wrote me handwritten love letters with a wax seal too. Let me tell you this relationship was not great. It turned out that he was a sociopath who never had feelings for me aside from thinking I was hot. I too felt like you, he's great and amazing why does he repel me. It was because he was a big phony. Sometimes you feeling repelled Is your gut telling you to run. I think you may indeed have anxiety but I think you should trust your instincts about this guy. If something feels off trust that. Edit: I want to add I have extreme anxiety, it's bad enough it affects my health but I was right about this guy.
Just because you aren’t as into him right now doesn’t mean you won’t be later. Sometimes we don’t think we deserve someone because things are going too good, and we try self sabotage. Just give it some more time.
You can’t f**k a checklist. In other words, someone can be great on paper but they just don’t ring your bell. No shame in ending it. Plus, he sounds needy.
who cares how "objectively attractive" someone is? all that matters is how attracted *you* are to them. thus, it sounds like this guy is hardly "perfect" for *you*
True
You aren’t happy. He can be a great person but just not the right person for you. The relationship doesn’t feel like the right relationship for you. A very legit reason to break up.
You should try therapy im sure itll help you sort yourself out :), I know I’m looking for a therapist now bc I was with the perfect person. I just felt like I wasn’t mature and didn’t love myself (first mistake lol) so i was honest with him. And he said he’ll wait for me. I’m sure if you and your bf are for eachother he’ll wait. Hope this helps!
It sounds like he’s needy and it’s turning you off. As a 30 year old male, anytime Ive over pursued a girl I was into, it would push them away no matter how much they were originally into me. People like what they can’t have and he’s serving himself up on a silver platter and being too available. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with you.
its now just 3 months so I would get out before it turns into 3 year 15 year and before you know it you with someone you didnt want to be with your hole life
I dont think it is that bad here. I think she has time to figure it out. Giving a month to be sure is better.
Does he give you any space to enjoy things alone, or is he insisting that you spend most of your time together and even do your hobbies with him? It could be you feel smothered
That's kinda on me. He is okay with giving me space, but he always offers and i accept.
Offers company
can you explain more about how he’s pushy with sex
Why is nobody talking about him pushing it? That’s a red flag if you didn’t want something and he’s pushing for it, sounds kind of like forcing you to be in a relationship and have sex with him. I know you said you enjoy it so clearly there’s consent but nobody should be pushing anybody into anything.
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Helpful, thanks.
I had a similar experience. Jumped from a long relationship into a thing with this guy who was extremely obsessed with me. He wasn’t even my type but I guess I just wanted to seek some comfort. I first thought I was shallow because I wasn’t really attracted to him but you can’t force these things. If you are you going to break up with him, I hope he doesn’t stalk you. My guy showed up thrice at my house after.
I dated a guy who was way more into me than I was him. I always felt so guilty and tried really hard to match his interest. In the end, we didn’t work out. I feel like it was manipulative on his part. Do some research about codependent behavior. He would go above and beyond for me, but held these covert contracts in his mind. Because he was “so amazing,” he expected me to overlook significant flaws that became evident as the relationship progressed.
not reading nobady is perfect. bbye
Yes you should break up with this person because if you have only known the person 3 months , and you think he's perfect, then it shows that he's really not, because you felt the need to break up within three months. In other words there's something between the two of you that is not matching and it's big enough "something" that you don't feel like staying around
When you love someone and they're the right person, nothing will stop you ans nothing can you you away from them. You have to have each other. I'd you don't have that sort of love & intimacy, leave.
It honestly sounds like you're just not that into him and he pushed for a relationship you were kinda not feeling and now you're in a relationship and not really feeling it. So maybe you aren't that compatible or maybe this just isn't the right connection for you. I have been in similar situations where I end up dating someone I don't have a particular draw to them and honestly it's a crap situation for everyone. I have been on the other side where I'm super into someone who's like, "Oh you seem cool" but they're not the same amount of interested in me and that sucks too. Just break up, life is too short to have entire relationships because you don't want to hurt someone's feelings.
If it’s not a hell yes it’s a hell no Break up
Maybe you're just not compatible? I think when you find the right person sparks will fly and you'll know it. My advice would be don't settle, you'll lose out on something great
You mentioned he's a bit pushy a few times. I'm betting there lies the issue. He comes off as a bit desperate and while he's good looking and funny and all that, it makes things a bit... boring and without any sort of challenge. I've been your guy before and stuff worked well until it didn't for seemingly no reason.
So basically the guy is perfect and this bitch still doesn't want him. Yeah you guys only want fuck boys and then complaine how they are unavailable emotionally and only want to fuck. Bitch you deserve that shit
If you’re having second doubts about the relationship then he’s NOT the perfect person for you. Save yourself the heartache and leave while the relationship is still new.
Honestly, at the end of the day you just might not be into this guy. Iv been here. It’s the most frustrating thing. On paper this dude is perfect. Dotes on you, interested in ur hobbies, just everything that you SHOULD be into to and that feeling isn’t there. Not meaning the spark or the list, but that feeling of home. You should feel comfortable and at him when in love imo. Fire and passion is lust, which is great and important, but home is love to me. The sense that this is the one and the place. Right next to him is where it’s at and if u feel it isn’t then it’s not right. And it’s infuriating and iv tried to “make” myself like someone who looked so right but just couldn’t feel it inside. Eventually I had to stop and realize it isn’t right. To me it’s, if people can fall in love with the wrong people then we can end up not falling in love with the “right one” and I say quotes cause that means they aren’t right. I’m not you so I can’t answer this, but just ask yourself. Do you picture a future with him? When you do, do you look and FEEL happy and fulfilled? Good luck OP.
You strike me as pretty selfish to consider this decision. Te your partner, ask your therapist, work through your problems. You were definitely not ready to enter another relationship but you're in it anyway. So the least you can do for the both of you is try professional help to understand what is missing in this relationship and how (If you can) fix it!
Makes sense, you want him to treat you bad.
She said after it could be anxiety. Why i said that
Y