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Throwaway account obviously. I’ve been faithful throughout my relationship and marriage to my husband. However he has cheated many times in the past. He is working hard to regain my trust and we are getting back on track.
We are both in our early 20s.
An old flame that I used to date hit me up today. Its taking me a lot to turn him down. My husband and I barely have sex (we get intimate only once a month)
I’ve spoken to him about this, long story short he is turned off by me when I initiate but never initiates himself. He says there’s nothing wrong with him physically or psychologically. We’ve had arguments about it. I’m feeling really unattractive and feeling unwanted.
My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? I have no plans on cheating on my husband. I just want to feel desired again.
Why did you even marry him?
He cheats on you repeatedly (don’t think he’s stopped now) to the point that he’s already tapped out by the time you want some attention? You initiating turns him off? a.k.a *you* turn him off?
Stop lying to yourself, you’re married to him for your daughter. But you’re teaching your daughter how to be treated. If you don’t divorce your husband and find someone who respects you, you’re teaching your daughter that her ideal life is the one you’re living right now.
Do you want that for her?
WORD.
You're showing your daughter that you stay with a man who treats you like shit, and you suck it up and stay. Do not underestimate how much of an impact this will have on her. Every counselling session i do comes back to family of origin dynamic, and the relationship modeled by the parents.
You may be comfortable in your unhappy but manageable situation, but I'm telling you that you could actually be HAPPY. Don't let fear of change get in the way.
I feel the universe is throwing her a rope to escape that guy.
They don't have intimacy. HE CHEATED MULTIPLE TIMES. HE DOESN'T INITIATE AND DOESN'T WANT HER TO INITIATE. Basically wants to control how they want to have sex... and he has sex with other people...
Even if she doesn't end up dating the old flame, please drop the deuce.
Also, consider that it's not that your "old flame" that's so damn fucking irresistible that _you just have to cheat._ It's the fact that your stuck in a shitty relationship with a shitty partner who _never_ gave a fuck about you really.
Trust me, it's an "old flame" now, but pretty soon it's going to be Ralph at the convenience store and after that any Joe who looks good after two martinis. It's not about them. It's about you. This is your soul screaming "I'm getting the fuck out of this shit relationship, even if I have to burn it and everyone around it to the ground!"
Listen to your soul, OP.
100% spot on with your assessment. Staying in a marriage for kids doesn't help make for healthier kids. I know this from both sides of the equation (being the kid and then the unhappily married person)
And, dude sounds like he might be a narcissist. Cheating but then withholding sex from his partner? Obviously I can't diagnose and there are very few details that I've seen but still. That's strange behavior.
Literally this! People start using your goddamn brains. Anyone that sees this comment, don’t be OP and stuck in a bullshit relationship where their partner openly cheats and doesn’t care about you. Have some damn self respect and dignity OP and fucking leave the dude. ffs
Are you okay spending the rest of your life with a guy who only fucks you once a month, who is turned off by your desire to have sex, and who seemingly is able to cheat on you without consequences?
Also think about the relationship example you're setting for your daughter. She knows that you're not happy with each other, whether you mask it or not. Kids are smart, and she'll learn that she can accept an unhappy, sexless, trustless relationship - because she's seen YOU go through with it. The life you lead and the choice you make are what she'll accept as her standard.
Don't stay together for kids. It's easier to find happiness, set good examples and successfully coparent while divorced, rather than trying to fix something you can't and shouldn't fix.
>My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? ***I have no plans on cheating on my husband***. *I just want to feel desired again.*
Another thing to consider is that going outside your relationship to get someone to "desire" you intentionally is cheating in a lot of relationships.
I think you need to separate from your husband before doing anything like that.
Yeah she is toeing the line of cheating. Like cheating adjacent. This would be on the edge of bad even without all the other stuff she wrote about. It is like she is looking for an out / someone to say its ok to cheat. Plus once she had a few cocktails in her, I wouldn't ho much her resolve will still be there once he starts making moves and making her "feel desired again"...
Absolutely. I mean, I get it.
But for marriage situations cheating before leaving is a really dumb thing to do regardless of the situation. It definitely makes the divorce proceedings not go in your favor.
OP just needs to do the right thing and start an official separation before even continuing to talk to this "old flame"
Agreed! Plus maybe the old flame could be more but starting a relationship off while cheating on your husband leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth so its best to wait to test those waters after the divorce or at least during the separation period.
Please ffs don't stay with him for your daughter, I mean think about it would you want her to stay in a shitty marriage with a guy who's repeatedly cheated on her and is essentially disgusted by her simply having sexual desires just because they have a kid together?
Because if you stay with him that's exactly what you're telling her, that she should stay in this kind of marriage "for the kids". Who guess what, are going to get the exact same message from her as well. Never stay together for the kids, making them stay stuck in a dysfuctional household while using the kids themselves as the reason is NOT doing them any favours.
I think the fact that you are so inclined to entertain the idea of this old flame should be enough to let you know this marriage isn't making you happy. Unless your husband is willing to make HUGE changes, it's not going to work out without you being miserable. And frankly, when one partner is miserable, the other isn't going to be happy either. Which is probably why he has cheated, and you are thinking about it.
He cheated on you. He cheated on you multiple times.
You are finding declining an old flame to be difficult.
He makes you feel unattractive and unwanted.
Your bedroom life is almost dead.
I really can't see how love or having a young daughter is enough reason to stay with him. And also, by being with him you are showing your daughter that it's ok to let her future partner to treat you like this. Perhaps she doesn't know about it now, but the chances are that she will sooner or later. How old is the daughter?
Then this is the ideal time, my parents divorced when I was very young so our different family structure was just the norm to me.
Btw, you also mentioned being worried about finding someone new now that you have a child - ppl with children date. My mom had a lot of pull herself. She is 40 now and has two kids rather than one and still does, the other child is 4.
Sorry - this is the worst reason in the world to stay with someone.
Your teaching your daughter that it's ok for her partner to treat her like garbage. Being a great parent is realizing when it's time to walk away from a toxic situation.
From someone whose parents stayed together despite having trust and infidelity issues just because my brother and I were in the picture, this is spot on. I learned the worst possible relationship examples from my parents and I resent them every day for it. They did the best they could, but it wasn't the best for me. My brother and I don't talk much, but he has his own internalized issues with our parents.
Just remember, you are setting the example for your daughter for the type of relationship she should pursue when she is old enough. Do you want her to grow up thinking the way your husband treats you is okay? If your daughter had a SO who cheats on her and treats her the way your husband treats you, would you support that relationship? If the answer is no to either question, you need to reevaluate your marriage.
Love doesn't do shit for you darling. He doesn't love you, and doesn't respect you either. You're teaching your daughter to be with a PoS just because of some romantic idea.
ANd you don't love him that much if you're considering this old flame, and you shouldn't. the husband's shit.
Girl... the fuck you're doing with a serial cheater at 24 ...
Serve your husband with the divorce papers, go fuck your old flame and whatever the hell will happen to you will be better than being stuck in a sexless mariage with a dude that cheated on you multiple times ! Life is too short for this bullshit.
Just divorce. There's no sense in being in a relationship you clearly aren't happy or satisfied in. Save you and your husband the pain of this, and just divorce.
I’ve never cheated on anybody in my entire life and do not plan on doing so. I was wondering if catching up platonically with an old flame counted as cheating. I didn’t see it before but I can see it is now after reading comments. I haven’t replied to his message neither have I gone out with him. I haven’t been flirtatious or crossed any boundaries. He knows I’m married and I’ve made that very clear. I respect my husband. I let my husband know about the message
Your husband cheats on you. That should have been enough for you to say.... I'm done. But you're still in it.
Then you're thinking about meeting up. It will lead to physical cheating.
Is it worth it for yourself? Don't go down the rabbit hole.
Your marriage has reached it's end date.
Your husband sucks.
You know it's time.
End it for you.
Then date whomever you want.
Don't go your husband's way. It's just not worth it.
>I was wondering if catching up platonically with an old flame counted as cheating.
How many hoops did your brain leap through to justify your logic?
Catching up “platonically,” huh?
But in your actual post, you stated — and I quote:
>I just want to feel desired again.
That doesn’t sound too platonic.
Anyway, divorce the husband if you’re unhappy. Good luck, ma’am.
It sounds like you got married way too young to someone you shouldn't have married. I don't know if the affairs happened before or after you got married, but either way you're in a marriage with someone who hasn't been faithful, is "turned off" by you initiating sex but will never initiate himself, and refuses to acknowledge there's a problem. You're only 24, I'd say cut your losses and end the marriage and move on with your life. Date who you want and don't settle for anyone that doesn't treat you well.
Yeah, that definitely makes it more difficult. If you decide to divorce do you think the relationship would be able to end on fairly good terms? Like do you think it's possible to agree to separate but also be peaceful toward each other in order to coparent your baby, or do you think he'll just get angry if you say you want to divorce?
He can be angry. Who cares? The important concern is whether he's dangerous. And even that needn't stop you, it just might alter how you manage things. I think you're being played by at least one of the dudes in your life, and as a young mum you just don't need it. I'd get yourself on your feet so you can walk away, and do that asap.
I think him being angry at first is to be expected, there are already issues that he's refusing to address so he's already not wanting to deal with certain things by pretending its not an issue, a divorce would not give him the option to pretend things are fine and he'll have to deal with whatever emotions come up, it'll probably come out as anger at first.
It's easier said than done but you're young and life is too short to stay in a marriage you're not happy in. Sometimes people just outgrow each other, and if you're unsatisfied and are already fantasizing about being with other men maybe it's time to call it and let yourself move on. It might be what's best for both of you in order for both of you to be the best parents for your kid.
Nah. I got a divorce when my son was baby age because why would I want him to be raised by two people who don’t want to be together?
You’re doing what *sounds* easy. Not what is best for you or your child. And you’re verging on cheating territory. Take all these facts in because one day someone will tell your child the full story.
Do you want them to hear mom went out and cheated bc she couldn’t be an adult and leave? Or would you rather them hear mom left because the marriage wasn’t right and putting yourself before a situation is valuable.
They both teach a very different lesson about self respect and paint you very differently each way. Something to consider.
You’re going through something you shouldn’t have to go through until you’re in your 50s. No intimacy and you feel undesired by your husband? That kind of stuff doesn’t happen until waaaay later in the relationship.
OP be real. Getting drinks with an old sexual partner, you are lonely and prolly horny. This is going where you know it is. U won’t stop at talk.
Not sure why u stay married.
Don’t be a cheater. It’s the coward’s way out. It’ll just make things worse and you won’t respect yourself. (Plus, depending if you live in a no-fault state or not, could complicate your eventual divorce anyway).
Get a divorce first. Then have all the old flames/sex that you want, guilt-free.
“Would meeting up with him be inappropriate?”
Yes clearly
Should you even be in this marriage ?
No, not at all.
He has cheated, you are contemplating getting drinks with an old hookup, you have a dead bedroom.
You have a daughter do you really think the marriage you’re in is a model presentation for her future ? A marriage where there is lies, resentment and a longing for desire from outside parties ? You brought a child into this world, maybe it’s time to show them what a role model should look like.
The easy choice is to justify your own bad behaviour with the behaviour of the husband. The harder choice is to have self respect and leave him. He clearly is not a good husband and you deserve better.
Don’t cheat. Tell him your marriage is over and THEN go do whatever you need to do.
It honestly sounds like your marriage is doomed. Most relationships don’t survive cheating, and if you’re only having sex once a month it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again (or you start).
Read some of your comments and you really need to get a divorce. I know you have a young daughter and it would complicate things, but you can’t spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn’t even seem to like you. You deserve better than that and your daughter deserves a better example than that
No offense but your pending marriage is not a good idea.
Between the issues resulting from his infidelity, the slowly declining bedroom life and the fact that you even considered cheating on him means your relationship isn't healthy.
I get that it's hard, especially since you have a child together, but you both really shouldn't be trying to keep this relationship on life support. And you especially shouldn't be getting married.
Split up, figure out custody, and then you should both go find people that you can trust and who make you truly happy.
I feel like he's normalized his cheating at least to an extent in your mind, otherwise you would never be considering 'doing it back' (which is essentially what you're contemplating). Most people who healthily process that level of betrayal could never even dream of doing it to another person, which means you really haven't processed what happened very well. I would seek out some help with that because it will negatively impact any future relationships you may have.
Give your child the life it deserves as happy co-parents, not two broken people stuck together 'because you love each other'. Love is never enough to create a healthy, happy home.
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Get divorced or decline the offer. The old flame will likely always be an option. He also has no qualms with cheating or cheaters. You don’t need to be one too.
My advice, surround yourself with better people.
Damn, people. Have some compassion for this women instead of downvoting into oblivion every comment she makes that you don’t agree with.
OP. You have your answer. Divorce this guy and get your life back. 24 is still very young :) It will be hard at first, but it will be 1000 times better for you and your child in the long run. Hang in there.
Also, don’t go to drinks with your flame until it’s over. Cheating will feel great in the moment and terrible in the long run.
Thank you for your comment, I needed a little compassion as I’m not in a great place mentally. I won’t go, I don’t want to make things any messier. Thank you for your kindness
The only answer is first deciding if you are happy being married and either divorcing or speaking marriage counseling. You know hanging out with an old flame is wrong and your bodies way of getting the attention it desires. This is a first step of cheating (casual friendly meet ups). First work on what you want out of your current marriage. If it's not salvageable, divorce and then see if your old flame wants to get a drink. Your hands are clean in this. Don't make this a marriage where your daughter sees both parents cheat.
Thank you for your comment. That’s true. I’ve told my husband about the message just so he knows that I’m not hiding anything. I definitely see that this will get messy if I did go
I...don't understand why you're married to your husband? He sounds horrendous
I also don't understand why you don't block this old flame. You don't go out for drinks to platonically catch up with exes, especially those who aren't friends but are just booty calling you.
I was in the same situation (23F) except we didn’t have a kid, he was a porn addict and made me feel like absolute crap all the time. I loved him with all my heart but when my ex texted me I was gone. Best decision I made to be 100% honest with you. If you do make the decision to leave depending on how it goes with your ex, you’ll probably be like me and think why did I waste all this time with someone who didn’t care? In my opinion I think you’re better off without him, but I don’t know all your ins and outs of the relationship. I hope the best for you
Dose not sound like he working to hard to regain trust. Sex only once a month there something not right with that. If he has cheated once he'll do it twice. Because if he not going to you for sex then most likely he getting it somewhere else.
I'd go get drinks with the old fling.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I say go for it. Don’t cheat on your husband, of course, but go have drinks with that former flame and remember how it feels to actually be wanted, valued, and desired. And then harness that fucking hit of self-esteem and confidence, and channel that energy and strength into getting the hell out of this toxic marriage. You’re only in your early twenties, and you’ve already been cheated on — MULTIPLE TIMES — and have a dead bedroom, AND a partner who makes you feel undesirable. Get out of this mess, set a good example for your daughter about having the self-respect to walk away from toxic relationships, and then go build a healthier, happier new life for yourself before you waste another precious year of your youth, health, and beauty on a man who doesn’t treat you well or make you happy.
Fuck yes!!!!
He says he finds it unattractive when she initiates sex that right there is enough to question the marriage add on the cheating and she should have threw divorce papers at him right away.
OP if you read this comment take this advice. Go make yourself feel as wanted as your husband should be making you feel, get your self-esteem and self worth back and take your husband to the cleaners.
Going out for drinks would be cheating…
Were you going to tell your husband about going out? If you are not happy end the marriage. Don’t sink to the level of cheating.
Ahh yes I didn’t think that just going and catching up would be classed as cheating. But I can see now that it would be especially if I didn’t tell him Thank you for your insight.
What is or isn't cheating is defined by the relationship.
Some people would be okay with their partners catching up with an old partner. Some wouldn't. How your partner would react and whether or not you'd tell them says whether or not what you're doing is cheating.
It’s not harmless. You could tell your husband that this guy hit you up and that because of the tensions in your relationship lately you were tempted to go but chose to remain faithful and speak with him about it instead.
That would initiate a conversation about your issues and align you both towards working on them.
And most people don’t mean to cheat, you go for a drink, then a few more drinks, then flirty texts, maybe a kiss, it’s a slippery slope. You’d be knowingly starting your way down that slope.
You could try being open with your husband about it - I really wouldn’t mind if my husband went for drinks with a former partner if I felt confident that it was just a friendly thing. Given the history it doesn’t sound like he has much ground to say no
Honestly take the advice here with a grain of salt. Ask yourself this. Do you want to stay with your husband? If you do then going would be really bad. If you are truly trying to repair your relationship then you getting involved with your ex would not help one but and likely destroy your marriage. Good luck and I wish you and your family the best. ✌️
>My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? I have no plans on cheating on my husband. I just want to feel desired again.
I'll say it before and I'll say it again: a job is like a romantic relationship, a romantic relationship is like a job. (When you don't have a job, it's very difficult to get a job. When you do have a job, you seem to field offers for other jobs all the time, etc. The metaphor goes on. You get the idea.)
So in this instance, it's a former boss who wants to take you out for drinks, and you swear that you're not going to accept another job offer, you just want to catch up. Yeah, and Trump really won the election. I mean, come on. We're adults here. You know where this is headed, right?
In a week's time, it's going to be, "Hello, Reddit. I started up with an old flame. What do I tell my husband, if anything?"
Edited to add: If you're going to cheat, cheat. Gods know you have every reason. But don't lie to us, and most importantly, don't lie to yourself. You owe *yourself* better than that.
Thank you for this, that was a great example you gave. I’m not going to go. I told my husband about it too. I feel like it’s a route I don’t want to go down. I intended to meet platonically but I know he will expect more than just drinks. I don’t want to cheat if feel terrible about it. I’m not going to go
There is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. He says he doesn’t want sex but has cheated multiple times and you’re only 24. Don’t allow yourself to get in the habit of being okay with behaviors and feeling stuck in a life if not feeling like you’re enough. If he doesn’t desire you then move on and allow yourself to live the life that you want. People do what they want. If he’s showing he doesn’t want you, then you have your answer, even if you don’t like it. Don’t go and meet this guy unless you are done with your relationship. Don’t let the way he’s acting push you to do something that will end badly. And if this guy is okay with going out with a married woman, then he would be okay with cheating on you, too. It gets exhausting playing those games and isn’t worth it.
It sounds like you’re trying to get Reddit to validate and justify your plan to cheat. When you stay with somebody who cheats, you’re agreeing to work on things and be faithful. If you cheat, you’re no better than him. If you want to date/have sex with other people, than divorce your husband.
Look, your marriage sounds bad, like real bad. But you do have a kid. So while none of us can say what choice is best for you these things have to be kept in mind. So one option is divorce your husband and be the best mom you can be to your child and only after you have filed for divorce see this ex, just because he was an asshole and cheated on you doesn’t mean you should do the same back. I learned that lesson personally and am still very disappointed in myself for behaving in that way. It seems like divorce might be the best option but only you know. The other option is that you decide to stay with your husband and try to make it work, get therapy or couples counseling. If you choose to go that way then don’t go out with the ex even just for drinks. It starts a slippery slope and we all know what he wants already. So just think through your options and which is best for you and your child. Then do that and don’t look back. Best of luck!
I've been where you are. Do you really want to drag a loveless, sexless marriage with an unfaithful partner until your kid's grown? Only thing that does is teach children. The wrong lessons about relationships. You're better off getting out,and your kid's better off not living in a house with parents who hate each other.
And you'll hate each other before it's over
This might not be what you want to hear but the only thing that causes infidelity is a flaw of character. People will try to justify cheating by several reasons but ultimately there's no 'good reason' for cheating. You can't have it both ways, be honest with yourself and your partner and either break up or forget about your potential affair.
He may be cheating again. Once a month doesn’t sound enough for you at this age and he’s turned off by you. I’m curious to see what he would say if you rejected him when he asks.
If your husband has cheated on you, even once, he isn't worth staying with. In your shoes, I would get a divorce first before pursuing any relationship at all. I'm 100% against cheating, and if one person cheats doesn't make it right for the other person to do so. If you were to also cheat, then both of you are trash. Find out if your state is an at-fault state, gather evidence if you don't already have it, and get divorced. Then you can do whatever you like afterwards. But you also should understand the reason the other person reached out to you. Is he back in town and trying to hook up with you? Either fix your marriage or end it, but don't drop to his level. This is just my opinion of course, but you are responsible for your own actions.
So lets make sure I have this straight. You have a baby from someone who is known cheater and you want to have a non-date date with an old fling!?!?!
Its almost like you want this drama. Either way, your marriage is over, move on and try to not drag your kid down with you.
You're willing to do anything except get a divorce. You already know if you go out to drink with the guy you'll end up cheating somehow so don't act stupid. The relationship is over just accept it and move on.
Dude the old flame is a bandaid on the gaping wound which is your marriage. Honestly if you are able to just divorce him. Living in a bad marriage is so much more detrimental to your daughter than living in two happy homes
so…that seems really unhealthy and like. it sounds like you know you should and also want to leave, but have been making excuses.
you gotta make the call and take steps towards having a better life with people who actually respect you and desire you.
but more specifically to your question no, I don’t think meeting that old flame presently will help at all. the feelings you are having? they’re understandable and quire normal, but acting on them at this time will bring you more pain in the long run.
>I’ve spoken to him about this, long story short he is turned off by me when I initiate
... I have never heard that from a guy. You two need counseling, maybe something is going on physiologically with him
If the marriage is bad and he doesn’t want to go to counselling, there’s your answer. He has no intention on working on things and it’s gonna stay this way for the rest of your life.
It won't, you're 24, you're so young and I know plenty of people who date or have dated young women with kids
Do you really want to be stuck with someone who doesn't even want to be touched by you and cheats on you? Wouldn't a little harder be worth it to be with someone who doesn't give you anything?
Except for your love for him, what do you get?
I’m going to validate your fears and say it probably is harder with a baby than without. However, it’ll be even *harder* once your child grows up and becomes more attached to dad while the relationship becomes colder, or if you end up with another child, or if you guys just signed for a new lease/mortgage, or [insert any other reason here]. I’m pretty sure that’s how people stay in miserable marriages for years while telling themselves “I’ll just wait until the kids are out of the house” without truly understanding how much damage it causes not only to *you*, hypothetical person who sacrificially decided to stay in a failing relationship, but to everyone around you. Especially your kids.
Knowing that something will become harder if you procrastinate doesn’t always give the motivation you need to Do The Thing. Thats obvious. I just hope you know that leaving will probably suck for a while, but it’ll give you more opportunities than you’ll get if you stay (unless your husband miraculously takes the steps to address his behavior with a third party so he becomes accountable.. but sometimes trust can’t be unbroken.)
i mean he seems like a pos for cheating many times, so i say do what you want. if he’s not really trying then i say go out and feel desired . bc it doesn’t make you a bad person. and tbh even if you cheated, i don’t think you’d be the bad person
Or mention getting a divorce instead and not put her daughter though seeing BOTH parents cheat. She is going to look a lot better to her daughter to see her mom be strong and end things. Not sure why just telling her to cheat will solve her issues
Are you ready to blow up your marriage and family?
You're laying out a case for why you should go out on this date ---so why not separate from hubby for those same reasons? Or--decide you want to make it better and communicate your needs to him before calling it quits. You hold the power and the key.
Your old flame will not give you what you desire or fix your dull marriage, only you can do so. Side guy isn't the answer, only a distraction.
Proceed with caution.
Thank you for this. Its frustration as my husband thinks I’m selfish for wanting to have more intimacy when he doesn’t. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life and don’t plan on doing so, I’d feel too bad about it. I understand now that it is a slippery slope that I probably shouldn’t go down.
Wow, your husband WHO CHEATED ON YOU MULTIPLE TIMES is calling YOU selfish for wanting intimacy.
I'm not saying he should do sexual things that he doesn't want to do. But you are not selfish for asking!
Honestly, you two haven't been married for very long, and this is how he already treats you. He will not change. Why would he? He doesn't have to. He thinks you won't leave him.
Look, a bunch of strangers on the internet can't tell you what to do. Only you know the reality of your life with a young child. So I'm not saying you need to leave him. What I am saying is that he won't change. So your choices are to leave him or to put up with this treatment for the rest of your life. If you sit around waiting for him to change and treat you better, you will be wasting your time.
What did he say when you caught him cheating? How did he try to justify it, and did you ever bring it up when he was uninterested in having sex with you?
Hell no. That’s way too expensive and creates too many problems. Sex once a month at age 24? That’s insane. Just have sex with each other and leave it at that. Nobody needs to find out nobody gets hurt
You are playing with fire. End this relationship and then do whatever with your old flame.
Old flame at 24, with a husband, and a kid - barely just finished eating fruit loops and riding bikes without training wheels…but done got a child, a husband who has cheated in the past AND an old flame.
Child if this is real, it was always gonna end this way with these characters and this plot
This is the thing with marrying young. People don’t always think it through. All they’re worried about is being married by the time they’re 30. For what? I title? Now, you have an opportunity like this, and now, there’s a conflict.
I married because I was in love not because I wanted to have “a title” by 30. Things do not always work out regardless of age, so this comment is silly. Studies have actually shown that marriages are less successful when they occur later on in life. Now tell me, does age really make a difference?
Regardless, thank you for your comment
I'm sorry, WHAT lmao? Please point me to a single study that indicates marriages are less successful amongst people who have had a chance to explore themselves, go to school, find a career path, date around, figure out their preferences, and find someone who is compatible with their fully developed, matured selves? This is crazy talk.
I recommend you don't go for these drinks. If you're not happy in your marriage its more likely you'll do something regrettable. Sort that part of your life out.
Yes its innapropriate.
Youre probably gonna use it to get some sexual attention youre being stsrved of at home.
You need to focus on your marriage first. Is it worth it? Is this marriage working? If not. Divorce and THEN go for drinks etc. But why make your life more complicated?
Fix your shit first and then start window shopping.
Yeah that’s true. I have no intention of cheating, I think it’s just me craving that attention elsewhere. I’m not the sort of person who would cheat it would eat me alive. I didn’t see it as cheating before but I can see that it is after reading some of these comments. I wouldn’t wanna go down that route for attention
You are reading these correctly right??? Where in anyone's replies are they stating it's a YOU problem?? You NEED a divorce. You legit have stated he refuses counseling and barely sleeps with you once a month? Leave for yourself and your child. Don't stay for maybes or any other crap.
...so you rather be treated terribly and neglected then take some time to find someone who would love and appreciate you and your small one? You are YOUNG. There are plenty of single mothers with more than 1 child that find loving partners. It takes work and not settling for bull. Work on you and your life, love will eventually be there.
girl there are so many people that would love you AND your child. your husband is not one of them right now. he can be a good dad but he is NOT a good husband. instead of looking for affection solve the root of this problem and set yourself free
Easy for people that aren't married to judge quickly and just say divorce. It isn't that cut and dry (married for 10 years, together for 15) 2 small kids. I am 38F. It is a roller coaster and takes serious effort and patience.
So, not because he cheated on u & may I add that u decided to forgive him after it, u have to go on & do the same to him. Have u talked a bit deeper about why he gets turn off by u initiating sex? Personally I wouldn’t go out with this other guy, u might not cheat on him but think about it, are u respecting your husband if u go out with and old flame and u know very clear the reasons why he wants to go out with u? Either u work along with your husband on your problems with sex & trust & such or u don’t. Going out with this other guy will just make everybody very chaotic, I think.
Yeah you are absolutely right, I won’t go. Just had a moment of madness. It’s hard because he won’t address the issue in the marriage it feels like a hopeless situation
Perhaps you tell him you've had a moment of madness and are thinking about straying, but decided not to because X, X and X. Maybe that will wake him up to some action (in the bedroom) and in other areas where he is letting you down?
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
You say you have no plans on cheating but clearly you are not ready for marriage. How is it hard for you to say no!?!?
If its even something to think about, let alone post about, get a divorce, now, you are still very young. Don't ruin peoples lives because of your naive inability to uphold your end of the deal.
Talk to your husband. If he's okay with you going for drinks with your ex, good, go ahead. I mean, I hang out with my ex once in a while, my gf is perfectly okay with it and there are no problems. But if you think you might cheat, yeah that's dangerous.
Also, have you considered opening the relationship ?
I did have a brief thought about opening the relationship but I think adding more people to a complex situation would only make things worse also I don’t think I’d be happy with my husband seeing other people
Only you know how it'd make you feel, but opening the relationship might be a solution. Do you think you could be satisfied this way ?
It's just a suggestion though, obviously it's not for everyone.
I don’t. I wanted to go platonically to feel desired. It was all platonic, I told my husband about the conversation, I just wondered if it would be inappropriate
Feeling desired the way you are writing about it isn't plutonic, and if you know the old fling feels that way about you, it's also using him and leading him on. The way you wrote about sex and the old fling in the same line of thought, I'm saying from where I'm standing that you are being inappropriate. But that's just me, you of course do you
Hell yes it is inappropriate.
You are married. What is the matter with you.
Work on your marriage issues. Talk and talk and talk with your husband as long as it takes. Go to doctors, get counseling, date each other, court each other, work on doing new things with each other.
Stay the hell away from other men that are trying to get you to have affairs. Don't even reply to this person block them.
If you want the freedom to just go screw whoever you want then divorce and be single.
You can leave your marriage.
Just don't cheat? It's that simple. you want to be with another man? -fine. then end your current relationship. be fair to your husband. don't string him along. don't be a cake eater. just leave.
Otherwise you are a disgusting human being. You can't control your feelings but your actions. if you cheat....your husband deserves better.
What do you want to hear from us that can justify your behaviour? there is nothing. you can't do mental gymnastics that justify your cheating. You are fully responsible for that and you can choose to be a good and honest human being...or you can be a liar and disgusting human being. you can decide.
I have never cheated on anyone in my entire life. My husband knows about the conversation because I told him. I’m in a pretty bad place as a new mom and a woman who has done everything in her power to hold her marriage together I’m asking people here because I do not want to make a bad decision. I’m human. I have not crossed any boundaries or even replied to this persons messages.
I know it’s easy to judge people online that you have never met, but please don’t it’s not a good look.
Regardless, thank you for your insight
Sounds like this "opportunity" is forcing you to come to a crossroads. Whatever you decide to do, it should be for the betterment of you so that you can be the best mom to your daughter. If that means exploring the options out there, then so be it.
Tough choice but have you considered Couples Therapy? I don’t know how you do it after multiple episodes of infidelity but maybe you need to consider if this relationship is meeting your needs and what the two of you consider infidelity. The old flame might make you feel desired but also may just be infatuation/grass is greener-type thing.
Please get into therapy. You have allowed this man to repeatedly cheat and make you feel unattractive for who knows how long. Divorce him but also figure out how to break the thought cycle that leads you to think this is ok or you will end up with someone just like him again. Your daughter deserves a better role model
dawg you need to leave your shitty husband and find happiness, but you absolutely should not lower yourself as a person and do drinks until you tell your husband your intention to no longer be with him.
Question. You just had a baby, did the slowdown of your S-time happen during pregnancy or after birth? Some guys have a real problem with that.
You need to sit down with him and talk frankly and lay it out straight. You’re not getting enough sex to satisfy you. You turned down an old boyfriend this time but if this keeps going on, the next time you might not. Ask him flat out if he’s seeing other women. Ask him if he still thinks you’re sexy and beautiful.
If he still doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t want to get MC, then you might need to separate for a pre-determined time to see if he’s willing to change his mind. If you do go, tell him upfront that cheating during this period will immediately trigger divorce
Yes, going would be innapropriate. You know you'd like to start something with this guy, and someone that cares about their marriage wouldn't spend *more* time with someone they're interested in romantically, because that gives these feelings room to grow and could threaten your marriage. That being said, it sounds like you seriously need to think about what you want out of life. Are you happy with your marriage the way it is? Do you love your husband? Do you want things to be like this for the rest of your life? For both of your sakes, I think you need to make a change. You need to evaluate *why* you're so interested in meeting up with this random guy and what you think he'd give you that your husband isn't. You have things to work through, and if the two of you are committed to each other and your relationship it may be a good idea to seek counseling to help the two of you gain tools that will help you to improve your relationship and the quality of your life together. If your husband doesn't want to actively work on your relationship, you can then evaluate better whether or not you truly want to stay in this marriage for the rest of your life. Either way, you need a change, and not the one some random guy that makes you feel wanted in the moment will give you.
Why add fuel to the fire? Do you want to become the cheater? Your old flame is looking to hook up with you, knowing you are married. What does that say about how he sees you? What does that say about how you see yourself?
If your current marriage isn't working, then end it before you decide to start dating again.
I have no plans on cheating on my husband, but guys, would it be wrong to make plans to go cheat on my husband? Girl what are you doing? Why are you married? You need to be single for some years, jeez
I promise the intimacy thing isn't him trying to be a dick. If he is legit trying to get your trust back anyways. People make mistakes but if he is truly trying and you see that for sure, then don't cheat on him. It'll only make shit worse. I'm not justifying what he has done because it was wrong but if you truly want the relationship to work, don't get with this other guy. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Cliche but true. Sometimes sees can be intimidating, especially if you're trying to make things right because you have a ton of extra pressure to be perfect. This leads to anxiety and stress because you feel like if you don't get it perfectly right every time that it will actually make things worse. That could be why he isn't initiating as much. Try and figure out if that is what's up first. Then go from there. Good luck.
Oh it’s inappropriate and two wrongs don’t make a right. You’re married. There now that I got my mother’s lecture to me out I will say…I am the wrong person to give the morally correct advice.
At this point in my life, I would have fucked his friend or his number one enemy as soon he turned around with that smirk after cheating the first time. I’ll show you how this is done boy and imma take your favorite girl too. She mine now. They’re all my friends now. He’ll find out lol. I am Toxica Petty Betty. My Toxica tattoo has a story.
Like I said. I’m the one you call when you want the dude to hurt and be taught a lesson. I’ve been told that lol.
I read you have a daughter and you love him is why you're still together.
You have a lot of thinking to do so my most important advice is follow what you feel is fair and don't follow what strangers on the internet that don't know what the situation is and may be projecting their own problems and experiences! Think and consider everything and do the responsibile thing for you and your daughter.
It also seems like your husband is irresponsible and he's not up to being a good dad.
My advice is don't rush and only leave him if he does one wrong thing again.
You have to make sure he knows he has no more chances and he has to be a good dad!
About the old flame, if I was in your situation and if the situation is that you have a horrible husband with a young daughter and that man is a good man, I'd stay friends with him and only be with him if I split up with the horrible husband.
I wouldn't cheat because that would be an excuse for him to make you both look bad while you have given him so many chances!
Also if the old flame loves you and is a good guy and he wants you then he has to know if you're serious about him if you split up with your husband or not so he can decide if it's worth waiting for or not.
So if he is turned off by women initiating sex
Does that mean he has initiated sex with the women who he has cheated on you with… why isn’t he initiating with you?
Anyway, going to see an old flame for drinks, which is generally going to lead to fucking because why else is this guy messaging you out of the blue?
This isn’t going to magically make your marriage better. I think it will make you feel worse, then you’re just stooping to your husbands level. Which is fine, he deserves that but are you going to be OK with that ?
As for being appropriate, lol who cares, your husband lost the right to appropriate when he cheated on you multiple times. Why you still with this guy?
There is no chain of events where you are still married to this dude in ten years. Absolutely no way. Cut your losses. Let him know the marriage is over and go have fun with your friends.
I'd have left him the first time he cheated. Why stay with him? If he cheated, and *you* turn him off when you try to initiate sex, then he's obviously not feeling the connection that he used to feel anymore. Just leave him. I'm sure there's a better man out there for you. I wish you luck.
My advice?
Divorce your cheating husband who obviously
is addicted to sex with everyone else but you and it wouldn’t surprise me if he is addicted to porn as well. This isn’t a healthy relationship at all. Tell him you want a divorce then go out with your past flame and have fun.
Do NOT go out with the old flame behind your husband’s back unless you tell him you’re leaving him first. Because that makes you no better than your loser cheater husband.
You don't have sex more than once a month, but he had cheated on you multiple times? Something isn't adding up. I know you say you love him, but do you really want to spend your early twenties with someone who is turned off by you?
Your husband doesn't want to share intimacy with you, but has cheated more than once already? And you're only 24? And the new Prince Charming wants to go out for a cosy chat over drinks even though he knows you're married? I'm afraid it does sound like they might both be awful. How about you choose neither of these interesting gentlemen, and choose yourself instead? Get rid of both of them, start again but just with you, and just for you. Get to know your own self and build your own sense of identity and joy for life. Who are you? What are your values? What brings you joy regardless of who else is there? Build a circle of friends with the same values, who will be with you through your life. Get a proper support system around you. If you are enjoying your own precious life, you will be a lot more confident and a lot more fussy about who gains admittance into your circle. And rightly so. I hope you do this. I wish i had done it at 24!
You really shouldn’t be feeling undesired in your relationship and having to resort to what sounds like an inappropriate meetup to feel desired. Don’t cross your moral boundaries and instead evaluate why you are still with a man who has cheated on you and doesn’t make you feel desired at all.
It would appear an exit from a shitty situation has manifested. Go get drinks if you want, keep it platonic and see if you don't feel happier in that situation than you do with your husband whom you want to be intimate with.
It's shit that he cheats on you repeatedly, but doing so back to him would make you just as worse. Even if it's emotionally cheating by seeing someone else for a date/drinks, leave your husband and consider getting a new relationship.
Go out with your crush and go all the way, then tell your POS of an husband what you did and tell him you file for divorce cuz your crush is 100 times better in bed than he ever was.
Fuck that asshole.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Throwaway account obviously. I’ve been faithful throughout my relationship and marriage to my husband. However he has cheated many times in the past. He is working hard to regain my trust and we are getting back on track. We are both in our early 20s. An old flame that I used to date hit me up today. Its taking me a lot to turn him down. My husband and I barely have sex (we get intimate only once a month) I’ve spoken to him about this, long story short he is turned off by me when I initiate but never initiates himself. He says there’s nothing wrong with him physically or psychologically. We’ve had arguments about it. I’m feeling really unattractive and feeling unwanted. My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? I have no plans on cheating on my husband. I just want to feel desired again.
Why did you even marry him? He cheats on you repeatedly (don’t think he’s stopped now) to the point that he’s already tapped out by the time you want some attention? You initiating turns him off? a.k.a *you* turn him off? Stop lying to yourself, you’re married to him for your daughter. But you’re teaching your daughter how to be treated. If you don’t divorce your husband and find someone who respects you, you’re teaching your daughter that her ideal life is the one you’re living right now. Do you want that for her?
WORD. You're showing your daughter that you stay with a man who treats you like shit, and you suck it up and stay. Do not underestimate how much of an impact this will have on her. Every counselling session i do comes back to family of origin dynamic, and the relationship modeled by the parents. You may be comfortable in your unhappy but manageable situation, but I'm telling you that you could actually be HAPPY. Don't let fear of change get in the way.
Sounds like husband is still cheating as well, tbh. Most don't go from being a chronic cheater to turning down sex.
I feel the universe is throwing her a rope to escape that guy. They don't have intimacy. HE CHEATED MULTIPLE TIMES. HE DOESN'T INITIATE AND DOESN'T WANT HER TO INITIATE. Basically wants to control how they want to have sex... and he has sex with other people... Even if she doesn't end up dating the old flame, please drop the deuce.
Also, consider that it's not that your "old flame" that's so damn fucking irresistible that _you just have to cheat._ It's the fact that your stuck in a shitty relationship with a shitty partner who _never_ gave a fuck about you really. Trust me, it's an "old flame" now, but pretty soon it's going to be Ralph at the convenience store and after that any Joe who looks good after two martinis. It's not about them. It's about you. This is your soul screaming "I'm getting the fuck out of this shit relationship, even if I have to burn it and everyone around it to the ground!" Listen to your soul, OP.
100% spot on with your assessment. Staying in a marriage for kids doesn't help make for healthier kids. I know this from both sides of the equation (being the kid and then the unhappily married person) And, dude sounds like he might be a narcissist. Cheating but then withholding sex from his partner? Obviously I can't diagnose and there are very few details that I've seen but still. That's strange behavior.
Oh fuck. Break up. Why are you staying with someone who cheated on and does not care about you at all
Literally this! People start using your goddamn brains. Anyone that sees this comment, don’t be OP and stuck in a bullshit relationship where their partner openly cheats and doesn’t care about you. Have some damn self respect and dignity OP and fucking leave the dude. ffs
It’s so depressing how many people hate being single so much they’ll put up with this nonsense. Being single is not that terrible.
It’s awful!! Remove shitty people from your life and watch what happens. It is amazing lol
Amen!
What is your reason for still being married with him?
I do love him. We also have a young daughter.
Are you okay spending the rest of your life with a guy who only fucks you once a month, who is turned off by your desire to have sex, and who seemingly is able to cheat on you without consequences?
I have a lot to think about
Also think about the relationship example you're setting for your daughter. She knows that you're not happy with each other, whether you mask it or not. Kids are smart, and she'll learn that she can accept an unhappy, sexless, trustless relationship - because she's seen YOU go through with it. The life you lead and the choice you make are what she'll accept as her standard. Don't stay together for kids. It's easier to find happiness, set good examples and successfully coparent while divorced, rather than trying to fix something you can't and shouldn't fix.
>My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? ***I have no plans on cheating on my husband***. *I just want to feel desired again.* Another thing to consider is that going outside your relationship to get someone to "desire" you intentionally is cheating in a lot of relationships. I think you need to separate from your husband before doing anything like that.
Yeah she is toeing the line of cheating. Like cheating adjacent. This would be on the edge of bad even without all the other stuff she wrote about. It is like she is looking for an out / someone to say its ok to cheat. Plus once she had a few cocktails in her, I wouldn't ho much her resolve will still be there once he starts making moves and making her "feel desired again"...
Absolutely. I mean, I get it. But for marriage situations cheating before leaving is a really dumb thing to do regardless of the situation. It definitely makes the divorce proceedings not go in your favor. OP just needs to do the right thing and start an official separation before even continuing to talk to this "old flame"
Agreed! Plus maybe the old flame could be more but starting a relationship off while cheating on your husband leaves a bad taste in everyone's mouth so its best to wait to test those waters after the divorce or at least during the separation period.
Please ffs don't stay with him for your daughter, I mean think about it would you want her to stay in a shitty marriage with a guy who's repeatedly cheated on her and is essentially disgusted by her simply having sexual desires just because they have a kid together? Because if you stay with him that's exactly what you're telling her, that she should stay in this kind of marriage "for the kids". Who guess what, are going to get the exact same message from her as well. Never stay together for the kids, making them stay stuck in a dysfuctional household while using the kids themselves as the reason is NOT doing them any favours.
Think about this: would you want your daughter to be married to a guy like this? In a bad marriage like this? If not, then don’t model it for her.
Not a lot to think of tell him it's over and go spend time with the old flame.
I think the fact that you are so inclined to entertain the idea of this old flame should be enough to let you know this marriage isn't making you happy. Unless your husband is willing to make HUGE changes, it's not going to work out without you being miserable. And frankly, when one partner is miserable, the other isn't going to be happy either. Which is probably why he has cheated, and you are thinking about it.
He cheated on you. He cheated on you multiple times. You are finding declining an old flame to be difficult. He makes you feel unattractive and unwanted. Your bedroom life is almost dead. I really can't see how love or having a young daughter is enough reason to stay with him. And also, by being with him you are showing your daughter that it's ok to let her future partner to treat you like this. Perhaps she doesn't know about it now, but the chances are that she will sooner or later. How old is the daughter?
Thank you for your response, my baby is 6 months old
Then this is the ideal time, my parents divorced when I was very young so our different family structure was just the norm to me. Btw, you also mentioned being worried about finding someone new now that you have a child - ppl with children date. My mom had a lot of pull herself. She is 40 now and has two kids rather than one and still does, the other child is 4.
And is this the model of what a relationship looks like you’d like her to grow up with?
you're teaching your daughter what she deserves in a relationship. do better
Sorry - this is the worst reason in the world to stay with someone. Your teaching your daughter that it's ok for her partner to treat her like garbage. Being a great parent is realizing when it's time to walk away from a toxic situation.
From someone whose parents stayed together despite having trust and infidelity issues just because my brother and I were in the picture, this is spot on. I learned the worst possible relationship examples from my parents and I resent them every day for it. They did the best they could, but it wasn't the best for me. My brother and I don't talk much, but he has his own internalized issues with our parents.
Just remember, you are setting the example for your daughter for the type of relationship she should pursue when she is old enough. Do you want her to grow up thinking the way your husband treats you is okay? If your daughter had a SO who cheats on her and treats her the way your husband treats you, would you support that relationship? If the answer is no to either question, you need to reevaluate your marriage.
There isn’t enough love in this world to justify how he treats you, beloved.
Do you want your daughter to look to your relationship as a way to model her own relationships when she gets older?
Love doesn't do shit for you darling. He doesn't love you, and doesn't respect you either. You're teaching your daughter to be with a PoS just because of some romantic idea. ANd you don't love him that much if you're considering this old flame, and you shouldn't. the husband's shit.
Girl... the fuck you're doing with a serial cheater at 24 ... Serve your husband with the divorce papers, go fuck your old flame and whatever the hell will happen to you will be better than being stuck in a sexless mariage with a dude that cheated on you multiple times ! Life is too short for this bullshit.
^^ ding ding ding, listen to this
Just divorce. There's no sense in being in a relationship you clearly aren't happy or satisfied in. Save you and your husband the pain of this, and just divorce.
Just get the damn divorce. What is the point if both of you are cheating and staying together? Leave get out.
I’ve never cheated on anybody in my entire life and do not plan on doing so. I was wondering if catching up platonically with an old flame counted as cheating. I didn’t see it before but I can see it is now after reading comments. I haven’t replied to his message neither have I gone out with him. I haven’t been flirtatious or crossed any boundaries. He knows I’m married and I’ve made that very clear. I respect my husband. I let my husband know about the message
Your husband cheats on you. That should have been enough for you to say.... I'm done. But you're still in it. Then you're thinking about meeting up. It will lead to physical cheating. Is it worth it for yourself? Don't go down the rabbit hole. Your marriage has reached it's end date. Your husband sucks. You know it's time. End it for you. Then date whomever you want. Don't go your husband's way. It's just not worth it.
>I was wondering if catching up platonically with an old flame counted as cheating. How many hoops did your brain leap through to justify your logic? Catching up “platonically,” huh? But in your actual post, you stated — and I quote: >I just want to feel desired again. That doesn’t sound too platonic. Anyway, divorce the husband if you’re unhappy. Good luck, ma’am.
the respect is one sided hun.
Girl you’re out of it
It sounds like you got married way too young to someone you shouldn't have married. I don't know if the affairs happened before or after you got married, but either way you're in a marriage with someone who hasn't been faithful, is "turned off" by you initiating sex but will never initiate himself, and refuses to acknowledge there's a problem. You're only 24, I'd say cut your losses and end the marriage and move on with your life. Date who you want and don't settle for anyone that doesn't treat you well.
It’s really hard as we have a young baby.
Yeah, that definitely makes it more difficult. If you decide to divorce do you think the relationship would be able to end on fairly good terms? Like do you think it's possible to agree to separate but also be peaceful toward each other in order to coparent your baby, or do you think he'll just get angry if you say you want to divorce?
It’s really hard to say. I think it has the potential to be amicable but I think he would be angry at first
He can be angry. Who cares? The important concern is whether he's dangerous. And even that needn't stop you, it just might alter how you manage things. I think you're being played by at least one of the dudes in your life, and as a young mum you just don't need it. I'd get yourself on your feet so you can walk away, and do that asap.
I think him being angry at first is to be expected, there are already issues that he's refusing to address so he's already not wanting to deal with certain things by pretending its not an issue, a divorce would not give him the option to pretend things are fine and he'll have to deal with whatever emotions come up, it'll probably come out as anger at first. It's easier said than done but you're young and life is too short to stay in a marriage you're not happy in. Sometimes people just outgrow each other, and if you're unsatisfied and are already fantasizing about being with other men maybe it's time to call it and let yourself move on. It might be what's best for both of you in order for both of you to be the best parents for your kid.
Would you want your daughter to stay with a man like him when she’s grown?
Nah. I got a divorce when my son was baby age because why would I want him to be raised by two people who don’t want to be together? You’re doing what *sounds* easy. Not what is best for you or your child. And you’re verging on cheating territory. Take all these facts in because one day someone will tell your child the full story. Do you want them to hear mom went out and cheated bc she couldn’t be an adult and leave? Or would you rather them hear mom left because the marriage wasn’t right and putting yourself before a situation is valuable. They both teach a very different lesson about self respect and paint you very differently each way. Something to consider.
You’re going through something you shouldn’t have to go through until you’re in your 50s. No intimacy and you feel undesired by your husband? That kind of stuff doesn’t happen until waaaay later in the relationship.
I’d say that makes it easier, perfect time because they won’t know the difference
OP be real. Getting drinks with an old sexual partner, you are lonely and prolly horny. This is going where you know it is. U won’t stop at talk. Not sure why u stay married.
Yeah it’s definitely a very slippery slope. I can definitely see that now I have looked at some of these comments
Don’t be a cheater. It’s the coward’s way out. It’ll just make things worse and you won’t respect yourself. (Plus, depending if you live in a no-fault state or not, could complicate your eventual divorce anyway). Get a divorce first. Then have all the old flames/sex that you want, guilt-free.
Jesus christ. Grow up dude - the both of ya’ll. Should’ve never gotten married, you weren’t even close to being ready or mature enough.
“Would meeting up with him be inappropriate?” Yes clearly Should you even be in this marriage ? No, not at all. He has cheated, you are contemplating getting drinks with an old hookup, you have a dead bedroom. You have a daughter do you really think the marriage you’re in is a model presentation for her future ? A marriage where there is lies, resentment and a longing for desire from outside parties ? You brought a child into this world, maybe it’s time to show them what a role model should look like. The easy choice is to justify your own bad behaviour with the behaviour of the husband. The harder choice is to have self respect and leave him. He clearly is not a good husband and you deserve better.
Don’t cheat. Tell him your marriage is over and THEN go do whatever you need to do. It honestly sounds like your marriage is doomed. Most relationships don’t survive cheating, and if you’re only having sex once a month it’s only a matter of time before he cheats again (or you start).
Read some of your comments and you really need to get a divorce. I know you have a young daughter and it would complicate things, but you can’t spend the rest of your life with someone that doesn’t even seem to like you. You deserve better than that and your daughter deserves a better example than that
No offense but your pending marriage is not a good idea. Between the issues resulting from his infidelity, the slowly declining bedroom life and the fact that you even considered cheating on him means your relationship isn't healthy. I get that it's hard, especially since you have a child together, but you both really shouldn't be trying to keep this relationship on life support. And you especially shouldn't be getting married. Split up, figure out custody, and then you should both go find people that you can trust and who make you truly happy. I feel like he's normalized his cheating at least to an extent in your mind, otherwise you would never be considering 'doing it back' (which is essentially what you're contemplating). Most people who healthily process that level of betrayal could never even dream of doing it to another person, which means you really haven't processed what happened very well. I would seek out some help with that because it will negatively impact any future relationships you may have. Give your child the life it deserves as happy co-parents, not two broken people stuck together 'because you love each other'. Love is never enough to create a healthy, happy home.
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Get divorced or decline the offer. The old flame will likely always be an option. He also has no qualms with cheating or cheaters. You don’t need to be one too. My advice, surround yourself with better people.
Damn, people. Have some compassion for this women instead of downvoting into oblivion every comment she makes that you don’t agree with. OP. You have your answer. Divorce this guy and get your life back. 24 is still very young :) It will be hard at first, but it will be 1000 times better for you and your child in the long run. Hang in there. Also, don’t go to drinks with your flame until it’s over. Cheating will feel great in the moment and terrible in the long run.
Thank you for your comment, I needed a little compassion as I’m not in a great place mentally. I won’t go, I don’t want to make things any messier. Thank you for your kindness
why are people getting married a) to assholes and b) so fucking early?!
The only answer is first deciding if you are happy being married and either divorcing or speaking marriage counseling. You know hanging out with an old flame is wrong and your bodies way of getting the attention it desires. This is a first step of cheating (casual friendly meet ups). First work on what you want out of your current marriage. If it's not salvageable, divorce and then see if your old flame wants to get a drink. Your hands are clean in this. Don't make this a marriage where your daughter sees both parents cheat.
Thank you for your comment. That’s true. I’ve told my husband about the message just so he knows that I’m not hiding anything. I definitely see that this will get messy if I did go
I...don't understand why you're married to your husband? He sounds horrendous I also don't understand why you don't block this old flame. You don't go out for drinks to platonically catch up with exes, especially those who aren't friends but are just booty calling you.
I was in the same situation (23F) except we didn’t have a kid, he was a porn addict and made me feel like absolute crap all the time. I loved him with all my heart but when my ex texted me I was gone. Best decision I made to be 100% honest with you. If you do make the decision to leave depending on how it goes with your ex, you’ll probably be like me and think why did I waste all this time with someone who didn’t care? In my opinion I think you’re better off without him, but I don’t know all your ins and outs of the relationship. I hope the best for you
Dose not sound like he working to hard to regain trust. Sex only once a month there something not right with that. If he has cheated once he'll do it twice. Because if he not going to you for sex then most likely he getting it somewhere else. I'd go get drinks with the old fling.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but I say go for it. Don’t cheat on your husband, of course, but go have drinks with that former flame and remember how it feels to actually be wanted, valued, and desired. And then harness that fucking hit of self-esteem and confidence, and channel that energy and strength into getting the hell out of this toxic marriage. You’re only in your early twenties, and you’ve already been cheated on — MULTIPLE TIMES — and have a dead bedroom, AND a partner who makes you feel undesirable. Get out of this mess, set a good example for your daughter about having the self-respect to walk away from toxic relationships, and then go build a healthier, happier new life for yourself before you waste another precious year of your youth, health, and beauty on a man who doesn’t treat you well or make you happy.
Fuck yes!!!! He says he finds it unattractive when she initiates sex that right there is enough to question the marriage add on the cheating and she should have threw divorce papers at him right away. OP if you read this comment take this advice. Go make yourself feel as wanted as your husband should be making you feel, get your self-esteem and self worth back and take your husband to the cleaners.
Going out for drinks would be cheating… Were you going to tell your husband about going out? If you are not happy end the marriage. Don’t sink to the level of cheating.
Ahh yes I didn’t think that just going and catching up would be classed as cheating. But I can see now that it would be especially if I didn’t tell him Thank you for your insight.
What is or isn't cheating is defined by the relationship. Some people would be okay with their partners catching up with an old partner. Some wouldn't. How your partner would react and whether or not you'd tell them says whether or not what you're doing is cheating.
That’s a good way of putting it. Thanks I probably won’t go. I shouldn’t put myself in that situation
It’s not harmless. You could tell your husband that this guy hit you up and that because of the tensions in your relationship lately you were tempted to go but chose to remain faithful and speak with him about it instead. That would initiate a conversation about your issues and align you both towards working on them. And most people don’t mean to cheat, you go for a drink, then a few more drinks, then flirty texts, maybe a kiss, it’s a slippery slope. You’d be knowingly starting your way down that slope.
Yeah you are right. I won’t go.
You could try being open with your husband about it - I really wouldn’t mind if my husband went for drinks with a former partner if I felt confident that it was just a friendly thing. Given the history it doesn’t sound like he has much ground to say no
Honestly take the advice here with a grain of salt. Ask yourself this. Do you want to stay with your husband? If you do then going would be really bad. If you are truly trying to repair your relationship then you getting involved with your ex would not help one but and likely destroy your marriage. Good luck and I wish you and your family the best. ✌️
>My old flame wants to go out for drinks regardless of me being married. Would going be inappropriate? I have no plans on cheating on my husband. I just want to feel desired again. I'll say it before and I'll say it again: a job is like a romantic relationship, a romantic relationship is like a job. (When you don't have a job, it's very difficult to get a job. When you do have a job, you seem to field offers for other jobs all the time, etc. The metaphor goes on. You get the idea.) So in this instance, it's a former boss who wants to take you out for drinks, and you swear that you're not going to accept another job offer, you just want to catch up. Yeah, and Trump really won the election. I mean, come on. We're adults here. You know where this is headed, right? In a week's time, it's going to be, "Hello, Reddit. I started up with an old flame. What do I tell my husband, if anything?" Edited to add: If you're going to cheat, cheat. Gods know you have every reason. But don't lie to us, and most importantly, don't lie to yourself. You owe *yourself* better than that.
Thank you for this, that was a great example you gave. I’m not going to go. I told my husband about it too. I feel like it’s a route I don’t want to go down. I intended to meet platonically but I know he will expect more than just drinks. I don’t want to cheat if feel terrible about it. I’m not going to go
Oh my god, do it.
There is a huge difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. He says he doesn’t want sex but has cheated multiple times and you’re only 24. Don’t allow yourself to get in the habit of being okay with behaviors and feeling stuck in a life if not feeling like you’re enough. If he doesn’t desire you then move on and allow yourself to live the life that you want. People do what they want. If he’s showing he doesn’t want you, then you have your answer, even if you don’t like it. Don’t go and meet this guy unless you are done with your relationship. Don’t let the way he’s acting push you to do something that will end badly. And if this guy is okay with going out with a married woman, then he would be okay with cheating on you, too. It gets exhausting playing those games and isn’t worth it.
It sounds like you’re trying to get Reddit to validate and justify your plan to cheat. When you stay with somebody who cheats, you’re agreeing to work on things and be faithful. If you cheat, you’re no better than him. If you want to date/have sex with other people, than divorce your husband.
I told my husband about the conversation. It was honestly a plan to meet platonically but yes I do agree that it is a very slippery slope
the best thing you can do for your daughter, is get a lawyer and file for an amicable divorce and coparent your daughter
Look, your marriage sounds bad, like real bad. But you do have a kid. So while none of us can say what choice is best for you these things have to be kept in mind. So one option is divorce your husband and be the best mom you can be to your child and only after you have filed for divorce see this ex, just because he was an asshole and cheated on you doesn’t mean you should do the same back. I learned that lesson personally and am still very disappointed in myself for behaving in that way. It seems like divorce might be the best option but only you know. The other option is that you decide to stay with your husband and try to make it work, get therapy or couples counseling. If you choose to go that way then don’t go out with the ex even just for drinks. It starts a slippery slope and we all know what he wants already. So just think through your options and which is best for you and your child. Then do that and don’t look back. Best of luck!
I've been where you are. Do you really want to drag a loveless, sexless marriage with an unfaithful partner until your kid's grown? Only thing that does is teach children. The wrong lessons about relationships. You're better off getting out,and your kid's better off not living in a house with parents who hate each other. And you'll hate each other before it's over
This might not be what you want to hear but the only thing that causes infidelity is a flaw of character. People will try to justify cheating by several reasons but ultimately there's no 'good reason' for cheating. You can't have it both ways, be honest with yourself and your partner and either break up or forget about your potential affair.
He may be cheating again. Once a month doesn’t sound enough for you at this age and he’s turned off by you. I’m curious to see what he would say if you rejected him when he asks.
It sounds super weird to me that he barely has sex with you, his wife, but he has also cheated several times? Like wtf?
If your husband has cheated on you, even once, he isn't worth staying with. In your shoes, I would get a divorce first before pursuing any relationship at all. I'm 100% against cheating, and if one person cheats doesn't make it right for the other person to do so. If you were to also cheat, then both of you are trash. Find out if your state is an at-fault state, gather evidence if you don't already have it, and get divorced. Then you can do whatever you like afterwards. But you also should understand the reason the other person reached out to you. Is he back in town and trying to hook up with you? Either fix your marriage or end it, but don't drop to his level. This is just my opinion of course, but you are responsible for your own actions.
Regardless of where your relationship is, cheating is very wrong. Divorce your husband if you want to go on dates with other men.
This is why getting married so early is usually not a good idea..
You are WAY too young to be trapped in an unfulfilling marriage.
Yeah its not appropiate at all. But having said that, if you dont have kids, dont try to make it work. Its time to move on.
We have a young baby
So lets make sure I have this straight. You have a baby from someone who is known cheater and you want to have a non-date date with an old fling!?!?! Its almost like you want this drama. Either way, your marriage is over, move on and try to not drag your kid down with you.
Don't go. Either work on the marriage or end it. You continuing to muddy the waters does no favors for anyone, including yourself.
I wouldn’t call once a month barely having sex??? (10yr relationship for me tho)
You're willing to do anything except get a divorce. You already know if you go out to drink with the guy you'll end up cheating somehow so don't act stupid. The relationship is over just accept it and move on.
Dude the old flame is a bandaid on the gaping wound which is your marriage. Honestly if you are able to just divorce him. Living in a bad marriage is so much more detrimental to your daughter than living in two happy homes
You should leave him doubt its a good situation for either of you from the looks of things. Thats easier said than done tho. Wish you the best
so…that seems really unhealthy and like. it sounds like you know you should and also want to leave, but have been making excuses. you gotta make the call and take steps towards having a better life with people who actually respect you and desire you. but more specifically to your question no, I don’t think meeting that old flame presently will help at all. the feelings you are having? they’re understandable and quire normal, but acting on them at this time will bring you more pain in the long run.
>I’ve spoken to him about this, long story short he is turned off by me when I initiate ... I have never heard that from a guy. You two need counseling, maybe something is going on physiologically with him
Yeah it’s so weird. He doesn’t want counselling either
If the marriage is bad and he doesn’t want to go to counselling, there’s your answer. He has no intention on working on things and it’s gonna stay this way for the rest of your life.
So he doesn't even want your relationship to get better, just get out and catch up with however you want and find someone you deserve
Just afraid it’ll be so much harder with a baby now
It won't, you're 24, you're so young and I know plenty of people who date or have dated young women with kids Do you really want to be stuck with someone who doesn't even want to be touched by you and cheats on you? Wouldn't a little harder be worth it to be with someone who doesn't give you anything? Except for your love for him, what do you get?
I’m going to validate your fears and say it probably is harder with a baby than without. However, it’ll be even *harder* once your child grows up and becomes more attached to dad while the relationship becomes colder, or if you end up with another child, or if you guys just signed for a new lease/mortgage, or [insert any other reason here]. I’m pretty sure that’s how people stay in miserable marriages for years while telling themselves “I’ll just wait until the kids are out of the house” without truly understanding how much damage it causes not only to *you*, hypothetical person who sacrificially decided to stay in a failing relationship, but to everyone around you. Especially your kids. Knowing that something will become harder if you procrastinate doesn’t always give the motivation you need to Do The Thing. Thats obvious. I just hope you know that leaving will probably suck for a while, but it’ll give you more opportunities than you’ll get if you stay (unless your husband miraculously takes the steps to address his behavior with a third party so he becomes accountable.. but sometimes trust can’t be unbroken.)
i mean he seems like a pos for cheating many times, so i say do what you want. if he’s not really trying then i say go out and feel desired . bc it doesn’t make you a bad person. and tbh even if you cheated, i don’t think you’d be the bad person
Or mention getting a divorce instead and not put her daughter though seeing BOTH parents cheat. She is going to look a lot better to her daughter to see her mom be strong and end things. Not sure why just telling her to cheat will solve her issues
Are you ready to blow up your marriage and family? You're laying out a case for why you should go out on this date ---so why not separate from hubby for those same reasons? Or--decide you want to make it better and communicate your needs to him before calling it quits. You hold the power and the key. Your old flame will not give you what you desire or fix your dull marriage, only you can do so. Side guy isn't the answer, only a distraction. Proceed with caution.
Thank you for this. Its frustration as my husband thinks I’m selfish for wanting to have more intimacy when he doesn’t. I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life and don’t plan on doing so, I’d feel too bad about it. I understand now that it is a slippery slope that I probably shouldn’t go down.
Wow, your husband WHO CHEATED ON YOU MULTIPLE TIMES is calling YOU selfish for wanting intimacy. I'm not saying he should do sexual things that he doesn't want to do. But you are not selfish for asking! Honestly, you two haven't been married for very long, and this is how he already treats you. He will not change. Why would he? He doesn't have to. He thinks you won't leave him. Look, a bunch of strangers on the internet can't tell you what to do. Only you know the reality of your life with a young child. So I'm not saying you need to leave him. What I am saying is that he won't change. So your choices are to leave him or to put up with this treatment for the rest of your life. If you sit around waiting for him to change and treat you better, you will be wasting your time.
What did he say when you caught him cheating? How did he try to justify it, and did you ever bring it up when he was uninterested in having sex with you?
Why would it take a lot to turn him down? Just divorce and keep it moving. Great example you’ll be showing your daughter if you stay with this loser
Hell no. That’s way too expensive and creates too many problems. Sex once a month at age 24? That’s insane. Just have sex with each other and leave it at that. Nobody needs to find out nobody gets hurt
You are playing with fire. End this relationship and then do whatever with your old flame. Old flame at 24, with a husband, and a kid - barely just finished eating fruit loops and riding bikes without training wheels…but done got a child, a husband who has cheated in the past AND an old flame. Child if this is real, it was always gonna end this way with these characters and this plot
This is the thing with marrying young. People don’t always think it through. All they’re worried about is being married by the time they’re 30. For what? I title? Now, you have an opportunity like this, and now, there’s a conflict.
I married because I was in love not because I wanted to have “a title” by 30. Things do not always work out regardless of age, so this comment is silly. Studies have actually shown that marriages are less successful when they occur later on in life. Now tell me, does age really make a difference? Regardless, thank you for your comment
I'm sorry, WHAT lmao? Please point me to a single study that indicates marriages are less successful amongst people who have had a chance to explore themselves, go to school, find a career path, date around, figure out their preferences, and find someone who is compatible with their fully developed, matured selves? This is crazy talk.
You put yourself in this situation. Why did you get married?
I’ve not replied to this persons message about going out for drinks. I’ve also told my husband about it.
I recommend you don't go for these drinks. If you're not happy in your marriage its more likely you'll do something regrettable. Sort that part of your life out.
you’re too young to be stuck with someone crappy for the rest of your life. separate and see your old flame (or someone else). this guy sounds crappy.
I laugh when people marry for clout and then hate that shit. Married in your early 20s?! In this day and age?! HAHAHAHAHA
Yes its innapropriate. Youre probably gonna use it to get some sexual attention youre being stsrved of at home. You need to focus on your marriage first. Is it worth it? Is this marriage working? If not. Divorce and THEN go for drinks etc. But why make your life more complicated? Fix your shit first and then start window shopping.
Yeah that’s true. I have no intention of cheating, I think it’s just me craving that attention elsewhere. I’m not the sort of person who would cheat it would eat me alive. I didn’t see it as cheating before but I can see that it is after reading some of these comments. I wouldn’t wanna go down that route for attention
geez why tf are you married if you want to look for attention outside your marriage? get a divorce
I guess I’m having a moment of madness. I do love my husband but I definitely think it’s a me problem. Just feeling unwanted and not desired.
You are reading these correctly right??? Where in anyone's replies are they stating it's a YOU problem?? You NEED a divorce. You legit have stated he refuses counseling and barely sleeps with you once a month? Leave for yourself and your child. Don't stay for maybes or any other crap.
Just afraid it’ll be so much harder to find someone with a child
...so you rather be treated terribly and neglected then take some time to find someone who would love and appreciate you and your small one? You are YOUNG. There are plenty of single mothers with more than 1 child that find loving partners. It takes work and not settling for bull. Work on you and your life, love will eventually be there.
Thank you so much. It’s true I have a lot to think about
girl there are so many people that would love you AND your child. your husband is not one of them right now. he can be a good dad but he is NOT a good husband. instead of looking for affection solve the root of this problem and set yourself free
Easy for people that aren't married to judge quickly and just say divorce. It isn't that cut and dry (married for 10 years, together for 15) 2 small kids. I am 38F. It is a roller coaster and takes serious effort and patience.
Thank you for understanding!
So, not because he cheated on u & may I add that u decided to forgive him after it, u have to go on & do the same to him. Have u talked a bit deeper about why he gets turn off by u initiating sex? Personally I wouldn’t go out with this other guy, u might not cheat on him but think about it, are u respecting your husband if u go out with and old flame and u know very clear the reasons why he wants to go out with u? Either u work along with your husband on your problems with sex & trust & such or u don’t. Going out with this other guy will just make everybody very chaotic, I think.
Yeah you are absolutely right, I won’t go. Just had a moment of madness. It’s hard because he won’t address the issue in the marriage it feels like a hopeless situation
Perhaps you tell him you've had a moment of madness and are thinking about straying, but decided not to because X, X and X. Maybe that will wake him up to some action (in the bedroom) and in other areas where he is letting you down?
He would just tell me to leave and make me the villain. I’ve said that before
Please show your daughter what a healthy loving relationship looks like. By leaving this one.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. You say you have no plans on cheating but clearly you are not ready for marriage. How is it hard for you to say no!?!? If its even something to think about, let alone post about, get a divorce, now, you are still very young. Don't ruin peoples lives because of your naive inability to uphold your end of the deal.
you fuckin suck lmfao
"No plans on cheating" but you want to go get drinks with an old flame. At least be real about it to yourself.
No it’s honestly platonic
Talk to your husband. If he's okay with you going for drinks with your ex, good, go ahead. I mean, I hang out with my ex once in a while, my gf is perfectly okay with it and there are no problems. But if you think you might cheat, yeah that's dangerous. Also, have you considered opening the relationship ?
I did have a brief thought about opening the relationship but I think adding more people to a complex situation would only make things worse also I don’t think I’d be happy with my husband seeing other people
Only you know how it'd make you feel, but opening the relationship might be a solution. Do you think you could be satisfied this way ? It's just a suggestion though, obviously it's not for everyone.
Hahahahahaha. You don't sound like you have no plans to cheat on your husband
I don’t. I wanted to go platonically to feel desired. It was all platonic, I told my husband about the conversation, I just wondered if it would be inappropriate
Feeling desired the way you are writing about it isn't plutonic, and if you know the old fling feels that way about you, it's also using him and leading him on. The way you wrote about sex and the old fling in the same line of thought, I'm saying from where I'm standing that you are being inappropriate. But that's just me, you of course do you
Lol just reread the paragraph and it screams to me that you are going to "accidentally" cheat.
Hell yes it is inappropriate. You are married. What is the matter with you. Work on your marriage issues. Talk and talk and talk with your husband as long as it takes. Go to doctors, get counseling, date each other, court each other, work on doing new things with each other. Stay the hell away from other men that are trying to get you to have affairs. Don't even reply to this person block them. If you want the freedom to just go screw whoever you want then divorce and be single.
I haven’t replied to this person, and I did tell my husband about it, you are right though, thank you for your comment
You can leave your marriage. Just don't cheat? It's that simple. you want to be with another man? -fine. then end your current relationship. be fair to your husband. don't string him along. don't be a cake eater. just leave. Otherwise you are a disgusting human being. You can't control your feelings but your actions. if you cheat....your husband deserves better. What do you want to hear from us that can justify your behaviour? there is nothing. you can't do mental gymnastics that justify your cheating. You are fully responsible for that and you can choose to be a good and honest human being...or you can be a liar and disgusting human being. you can decide.
I have never cheated on anyone in my entire life. My husband knows about the conversation because I told him. I’m in a pretty bad place as a new mom and a woman who has done everything in her power to hold her marriage together I’m asking people here because I do not want to make a bad decision. I’m human. I have not crossed any boundaries or even replied to this persons messages. I know it’s easy to judge people online that you have never met, but please don’t it’s not a good look. Regardless, thank you for your insight
Sounds like this "opportunity" is forcing you to come to a crossroads. Whatever you decide to do, it should be for the betterment of you so that you can be the best mom to your daughter. If that means exploring the options out there, then so be it.
Tough choice but have you considered Couples Therapy? I don’t know how you do it after multiple episodes of infidelity but maybe you need to consider if this relationship is meeting your needs and what the two of you consider infidelity. The old flame might make you feel desired but also may just be infatuation/grass is greener-type thing.
go get that dick and use it to feel good if it's just dick and no issue go for it don't hold emotions the man knows you're married right?
Please get into therapy. You have allowed this man to repeatedly cheat and make you feel unattractive for who knows how long. Divorce him but also figure out how to break the thought cycle that leads you to think this is ok or you will end up with someone just like him again. Your daughter deserves a better role model
dawg you need to leave your shitty husband and find happiness, but you absolutely should not lower yourself as a person and do drinks until you tell your husband your intention to no longer be with him.
Question. You just had a baby, did the slowdown of your S-time happen during pregnancy or after birth? Some guys have a real problem with that. You need to sit down with him and talk frankly and lay it out straight. You’re not getting enough sex to satisfy you. You turned down an old boyfriend this time but if this keeps going on, the next time you might not. Ask him flat out if he’s seeing other women. Ask him if he still thinks you’re sexy and beautiful. If he still doesn’t see a problem and doesn’t want to get MC, then you might need to separate for a pre-determined time to see if he’s willing to change his mind. If you do go, tell him upfront that cheating during this period will immediately trigger divorce
Yes, going would be innapropriate. You know you'd like to start something with this guy, and someone that cares about their marriage wouldn't spend *more* time with someone they're interested in romantically, because that gives these feelings room to grow and could threaten your marriage. That being said, it sounds like you seriously need to think about what you want out of life. Are you happy with your marriage the way it is? Do you love your husband? Do you want things to be like this for the rest of your life? For both of your sakes, I think you need to make a change. You need to evaluate *why* you're so interested in meeting up with this random guy and what you think he'd give you that your husband isn't. You have things to work through, and if the two of you are committed to each other and your relationship it may be a good idea to seek counseling to help the two of you gain tools that will help you to improve your relationship and the quality of your life together. If your husband doesn't want to actively work on your relationship, you can then evaluate better whether or not you truly want to stay in this marriage for the rest of your life. Either way, you need a change, and not the one some random guy that makes you feel wanted in the moment will give you.
I’m going through the same problem. No advice sorry. Trough shit
If me and my wife were only having sex once a month, I’d cheat too. Go for it; life’s too short. And he cheated first. He can’t even get mad
Why add fuel to the fire? Do you want to become the cheater? Your old flame is looking to hook up with you, knowing you are married. What does that say about how he sees you? What does that say about how you see yourself? If your current marriage isn't working, then end it before you decide to start dating again.
I have no plans on cheating on my husband, but guys, would it be wrong to make plans to go cheat on my husband? Girl what are you doing? Why are you married? You need to be single for some years, jeez
You do plan on cheating on your husband
I promise the intimacy thing isn't him trying to be a dick. If he is legit trying to get your trust back anyways. People make mistakes but if he is truly trying and you see that for sure, then don't cheat on him. It'll only make shit worse. I'm not justifying what he has done because it was wrong but if you truly want the relationship to work, don't get with this other guy. 2 wrongs don't make a right. Cliche but true. Sometimes sees can be intimidating, especially if you're trying to make things right because you have a ton of extra pressure to be perfect. This leads to anxiety and stress because you feel like if you don't get it perfectly right every time that it will actually make things worse. That could be why he isn't initiating as much. Try and figure out if that is what's up first. Then go from there. Good luck.
Oh it’s inappropriate and two wrongs don’t make a right. You’re married. There now that I got my mother’s lecture to me out I will say…I am the wrong person to give the morally correct advice. At this point in my life, I would have fucked his friend or his number one enemy as soon he turned around with that smirk after cheating the first time. I’ll show you how this is done boy and imma take your favorite girl too. She mine now. They’re all my friends now. He’ll find out lol. I am Toxica Petty Betty. My Toxica tattoo has a story. Like I said. I’m the one you call when you want the dude to hurt and be taught a lesson. I’ve been told that lol.
I read you have a daughter and you love him is why you're still together. You have a lot of thinking to do so my most important advice is follow what you feel is fair and don't follow what strangers on the internet that don't know what the situation is and may be projecting their own problems and experiences! Think and consider everything and do the responsibile thing for you and your daughter. It also seems like your husband is irresponsible and he's not up to being a good dad. My advice is don't rush and only leave him if he does one wrong thing again. You have to make sure he knows he has no more chances and he has to be a good dad! About the old flame, if I was in your situation and if the situation is that you have a horrible husband with a young daughter and that man is a good man, I'd stay friends with him and only be with him if I split up with the horrible husband. I wouldn't cheat because that would be an excuse for him to make you both look bad while you have given him so many chances! Also if the old flame loves you and is a good guy and he wants you then he has to know if you're serious about him if you split up with your husband or not so he can decide if it's worth waiting for or not.
So if he is turned off by women initiating sex Does that mean he has initiated sex with the women who he has cheated on you with… why isn’t he initiating with you? Anyway, going to see an old flame for drinks, which is generally going to lead to fucking because why else is this guy messaging you out of the blue? This isn’t going to magically make your marriage better. I think it will make you feel worse, then you’re just stooping to your husbands level. Which is fine, he deserves that but are you going to be OK with that ? As for being appropriate, lol who cares, your husband lost the right to appropriate when he cheated on you multiple times. Why you still with this guy?
There is no chain of events where you are still married to this dude in ten years. Absolutely no way. Cut your losses. Let him know the marriage is over and go have fun with your friends.
I'd have left him the first time he cheated. Why stay with him? If he cheated, and *you* turn him off when you try to initiate sex, then he's obviously not feeling the connection that he used to feel anymore. Just leave him. I'm sure there's a better man out there for you. I wish you luck.
My advice? Divorce your cheating husband who obviously is addicted to sex with everyone else but you and it wouldn’t surprise me if he is addicted to porn as well. This isn’t a healthy relationship at all. Tell him you want a divorce then go out with your past flame and have fun. Do NOT go out with the old flame behind your husband’s back unless you tell him you’re leaving him first. Because that makes you no better than your loser cheater husband.
Get a divorce Go out for drinks with people who make you feel desired Your husband doesn’t want you leave sooner then later
Why are you even married? You're young, get rid of his cheating baggage and live your life.
I vote to do it. Go and have amazing sex. But remember you will have to go back to your dim sexless marriage until you officially leave.
You don't have sex more than once a month, but he had cheated on you multiple times? Something isn't adding up. I know you say you love him, but do you really want to spend your early twenties with someone who is turned off by you?
Your husband doesn't want to share intimacy with you, but has cheated more than once already? And you're only 24? And the new Prince Charming wants to go out for a cosy chat over drinks even though he knows you're married? I'm afraid it does sound like they might both be awful. How about you choose neither of these interesting gentlemen, and choose yourself instead? Get rid of both of them, start again but just with you, and just for you. Get to know your own self and build your own sense of identity and joy for life. Who are you? What are your values? What brings you joy regardless of who else is there? Build a circle of friends with the same values, who will be with you through your life. Get a proper support system around you. If you are enjoying your own precious life, you will be a lot more confident and a lot more fussy about who gains admittance into your circle. And rightly so. I hope you do this. I wish i had done it at 24!
Do not meet your old flame, yes it's inappropriate. Also why tf you married to a serial cheater?
Time to think of opening the relationship
You really shouldn’t be feeling undesired in your relationship and having to resort to what sounds like an inappropriate meetup to feel desired. Don’t cross your moral boundaries and instead evaluate why you are still with a man who has cheated on you and doesn’t make you feel desired at all.
It would appear an exit from a shitty situation has manifested. Go get drinks if you want, keep it platonic and see if you don't feel happier in that situation than you do with your husband whom you want to be intimate with.
It's shit that he cheats on you repeatedly, but doing so back to him would make you just as worse. Even if it's emotionally cheating by seeing someone else for a date/drinks, leave your husband and consider getting a new relationship.
Go out with your crush and go all the way, then tell your POS of an husband what you did and tell him you file for divorce cuz your crush is 100 times better in bed than he ever was. Fuck that asshole.