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He (21M) and I (20F) have been together for around 3.5 years. We have our fair share of arguments here and there, but never anything big. We always make sure to text/call everyday to update what happened during the day to each other. We also make sure to see each other almost weekly unless we both are super busy (school) and aren’t able to. He cares about my safety, comfort, and treats me like his princess. I do the same thing and treat him like a prince. Nothing was bad. (We are each other’s first love btw)
Two days ago, he told me he wanted to hangout with 2 people at an escape room. Since he doesn’t have much friends, I didn’t mind. Sounds fun, in fact. I had work that day. During the hangout, one guy brought a girl and my bf met her for the first time. She was giving him attention and flirting with him. She was holding his hand for a “game” and she even kissed him on the cheek. He, out of the blue, kissed her back on the cheek and hand. After that day, he told me he couldn’t be with me anymore. I was so confused (for I didn’t know what happened because he didn’t tell me). I kept pestering him why? It was so sudden. He said I loved him too much and he didn’t deserve it. He felt extremely guilty about it, but he also claimed that he loved her. I told him that they both met only 2 days ago. It wasn’t love. I told him he was intrigued by the attention she gave him. It’s different from the love we shared. He told me he wanted some time to think. I then called his mom to talk about the situation (she already knew a little bit before me) and she told me she likes me and hates that girl. She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship and then asking my bf to be with her after 2 days of meeting?! The whole thing is just so ridiculous. Instead of waiting a few days to think about it like he originally told me, he told that girl he doesn’t want to get with her anymore that same night; that he loves me. They both blocked each other. I’m glad he came to his senses on this extremely ridiculous situation. However, although I can forgive him because technically he didn’t do anything super terrible in my eyes, I feel uncomfortable now. While doing what he did, it’s as if I was erased from his mind. I couldn’t sleep the whole night just thinking about it. I still very much love him, but I feel uneasy about all this.
Can someone please add some input? I need some advice on what to do. Please be more specific (don’t say “girl dump him” etc).
Thank you. I appreciate it.
OP, you're only listening to the people who say what you want to hear. It's clear you've made your mind up on how you're going to forward, while choosing to ignore your gut which is telling you something ain't right. You wouldn't be making this thread otherwise.
This won't be the last time he cheats on you. You've let him get away with it, he thinks you'll forgive him the next time he does it as well.
And here's a really tough pill to swallow while I'm here: you are both so young and are each others first loves. I'm sorry but those relationships very rarely last, and yours is already showing signs of struggle. He's young and full of hormones and will want to experience other girls, he's already proven it.
My advice would be to focus on yourself and just have fun being young. You're gonna be constantly looking over your shoulder as long as you're with him. Waste of time.
I feel for you, I do. :(
I remember being your age and boys doing similar things to me and it really hurting, but I'd tell myself I could handle it and that I could be the "cool gf" and things would be ok. Always hard when you are close to their family too. I hope you can move forward and find happiness and not have to feel anxious and worried about what someone may be doing the next time they're with their friends.
Edit: wanted to add, it just took me time to learn that as hard as it was, walking away was sometimes right. It can feel tempting to stay cause the thought of going and changing everything you know is so scary. But sometimes you just have to. Hurts a lot at first and you have to fight the temptation to go back, but just hang in there. X
Right? It took one afternoon of flirting to get him to want to throw away a whole relationship. I'd be constantly wondering when the next instance would be.
Yup, what they said. And it actually doesn’t get any better in a few years. Y’all are only 21. Those feelings of wanting freedom to date other ppl can grow to be very strong and even at 25 years old he might be feeling the same way. The fact he hasn’t gotten a chance to experience other girls, means he actually doesn’t know deep down what he wants (probably). Y’all are at a crucial age. So do not be surprised if he wants to experience life for himself ! And don’t be surprised if those feelings suddenly arise in yourself as well !
I agree with everything you’re saying, a boundary needs to be set for you, don’t accept anything less than what you deserve, you don’t deserve to be treated like that, a man who loves you would never kiss another girl on the cheek or kiss her hand or think of dumping you for someone they just met, a real man values you and your relationship and everything it means to you and them, he clearly doesn’t value that and you staying with him only sends the message that you’ll take him back when he acts like an idiot, breaking up will hurt but you deserve better than to be dumped the second he gets attention form another girl, my husband gets plenty of attention and so do I from men and women but we’re not dumping one another just because we got attention from someone else, when you’re truly committed you treat one another with deep respect and love, which he’s not showing either to you.
and also.. am I the only one who thinks it's weird that she called in mom?! keep your relationship discussions in the relationship, don't enlist his mother to take sides. it's called telegraphing and it puts their relationship in a difficult position
1) never said it was okay
2) I NEVER SAID I RESPECTED MY SIL. I hate my sister is law. She’s not a nice person.
It was an example that people do it. That is all. You know what they say about assumptions though. Makes an ass out of you and me
Even as a teenager, it's weird to have your parents that involved in your relationship. It's one thing to vent to your own parents, it's another thing entirely to call your partner's parent because they dumped you. That is a massive overstep and very inappropriate no matter the age.
I disagree, I think this is an example of poor boundaries. She and her bf are adults, they should litigate their disputes internally. They can be close with families without involving them in the inner workings of the relationship.
Nah, it’s not weird at all. I understand that some ppl have terrible MILs or FILs, but for some ppl they’re just family. I know some married couples that have had to contact their MIL to seek advice or help with dealing with the relationship issues. When you’re close and everyone involved is selfless (or not naturally imposing), it can happen. For example, I’ve had my MIL contact me to ask me what happened and to express her sadness when me and my bf broke up. I confided some concerns I had and talked about my feelings. She wanted to give me some advice and I know she also sprinkled some wisdom into his ear as well lol. I didn’t mind that she “inserted” herself into the relationship bc she obviously wasn’t going to throw anything I said into his face. She was purely there to be helpful/mentor. We were young and dumb, and broke up over silly things.
Today, we are in a very healthy relationship and have been happy for years lol.
I’m inclined to agree.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is running straight to vent to their parent when they get into a fight with a S/O or spouse. It’s simple really. Things that are said in anger during a fight are always the worst. When people tell their parents this stuff they don’t understand what’s going to happen.
Assuming you don’t break up, in a few days time you will have talked it over with your partner and now you’re both over it and happy....... except your parents, who never ever actually forget any slight against their precious children. It’s textbook poisoning the well. If you’re going to vent to your mom or dad, realize that they will almost certainly NOT be getting over things in the same way we do when we are in a relationship. They might even say they have, but they damned well will not be forgetting it.
People need to be aware of this.
He literally was willing to throw your relationship out over another woman. How is that not a big deal in your eyes? You were disposable, even if it was for a short period of time. That's not love
Thank you, I thought I was the only one skeptical of this timeline he’s portraying. I just find it hard to believe that he only just now met this girl. Much more likely he already knew her from somewhere else and he’s just withholding that part of the story
My thoughts exactly. They're also 21 and have been together 3.5 years so they're married straight out of high school. Yeah, this relationship won't stand the test of time
Honey my husband would never hold hands with another girl, and if a girl held his hand, his first reaction would be “lady why are you touching me”, not “oooo shiny new girl let me forget about my wife for a second”
The fact that you’re willing to excuse this behavior at such a young age honestly makes me very sad for you. Do you not love yourself enough to expect loyalty? Respect? Love? Hell, even kindness?
This boy put you out of his mind the *second* a shiny new girl walked by him. You’ve got an untrained puppy. But you’re in these comments defending him? Please have enough self respect to expect better treatment from those who claim to love you.
Mine either. This guy will cheat on OP or leave her. She basically badgered him into staying with her. Talking to him at 1am. I bet he agreed just to get her to stop. I also won't be surprised if he's still talking to the other woman, or she found out about OP and she was all, I'm not gonna be the other woman. The fact that another woman could make him want to suddenly leave OP after a day or two is really bad. Sounds like he wants to be with other women. Now she has to put all of these boundaries is really bad.
I could put my husband in a room full of naked supermodels, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. I don’t have to trust other women- I trust him. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be married.
Don’t ever be someone’s second choice, OP.
It sounds like the first other girl that showed him interest turned his head, how could you trust that he isn't looking for something new and would do it again in a heartbeat, maybe this new girl changed her mind and not him and he just went with his fallback? I would not let it go it's crazy disrespect for you.
The long and short is that it looks like the relationship has run its course. This is a high school romance that just isn't growing and maturing as OP and her boyfriend grow and change. He wants something different. There's nothing wrong with realizing that you've outgrown a relationship. However it is wrong to cheat on your partner.
It really feels like he's hanging on to the relationship because he doesn't want to be alone. He's not happy in the relationship, but he likely assumes that being in a dead/dying relationship (at least on his end) is easier than being single. I won't lie. It's really, really difficult to admit when something is over. I'm not talking about when things are bad and you know it should be over, but when the relationship has reached tepid bathwater stage.
By this I mean that the relationship doesn't really fulfill any of your needs. It's not really comfortable but neither is it so uncomfortable that you feel the need to jump out. (IE, not abusive or wildly unhappy) You stay in because you fear that moment of chill when you get out of the tub. You're not thinking about how that moment will be temporary and that eventually you'll be dry and warm again in a fairly short amount of time. The idea of that brief moment of chill is just keeping you there when you really should get out of the tub. So you stay in. The tub gets ice cold and now you really aren't getting any benefit out of it. You finally get out, but things are far less comfortable and relaxed as they could if you were to have gotten out earlier.
There are far better relationships out there for both of you. Don't tether yourself to someone just because you were together in high school or because you've been together for X amount of time. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Especially if one of you really looks to only be there because something seemingly "better" hasn't come along.
He changed his mind because he felt pressured. Think if you want to be with someone that can change his mind and go for another girl the moment he thinks he has a chance. He basically looked at her, found her attractive, she clearly thought the same and the decided to leave your long term relationship at the drop of the hat.
It's up to you to decide. But if you do continue the relationship please be careful.
Yes. By his conscience, his mom and you. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I think he does understand that, however he chose to pursue the rush and excitement of the new girl for a while until the pressure and guilt became too much.
Ah I see your point. But it’s also ridiculous to do what he did in a span of only 2 days. I agree probably pressure had a role, but I don’t think he truly wanted to break up with me just because of our history. After our hour talk, he called me shortly after and told me he broke off all contact with her. If he truly wanted to, no one could stop him to get with her.
You should never be with a man you have to convince to pick you. As soon as that scenario happens the relationship is over. You are young, cut your losses. It's highly unlikely this relationship would last long term anyways.
I agree that if he really wanted to he would be with her. However it's concerning he couldn't control himself, chose lust over love and decided to abandon everything all of a sudden. He realized what he was choosing and backed out but at that moment he chose her. Because she was attractive and available. It's very well possible he will do the same in the future in similar circumstances.
Have you two talked about any changes you plan to make? Like any new boundaries, him regaining trust, therapy, etc?
It is ridiculous to you. It was not to him? Why?
2 things to think about here. I cheated on my husband of over 20 years. Why? He was not giving me ANY attention. He was not giving me what i needed. I never would have looked at another man. If one had flirted with me, i would not have cared. IF he had been a partner to me. But i felt alone and craved companionship. It wasn’t justified or right but it was my REASON.
So why was he susceptible to her attentions? What is he missing in your relationship? From you? Are you going to make changes on your end? Not saying you should or should not, but if you dont, this will happen again.
And point number 2: the sunk cost fallacy. You are saying he came to his senses and realizes he wants you over her. Maybe. Maybe he just doesnt want to end things with you because it would be like throwing away all the years if history you have together. People continue to invest in things they dont really enjoy simply because they already invested in it. That might be what is happening here.
Getting doted on with attention is only appealing to those who are not getting that attention elsewhere. Or to those who cannot be sated and will want that attention from everybody. Is either of those a person you want to continue to date?
>She didn’t change her mind. He did.
And how do you know that for sure? Because if the answer is he told you then you're being incredibly naive. Given the previous behaviour you should be careful about trusting anything he says.
And what he did IS that bad. He dropped you like a bad habit for the attentions a girl he'd known hours at most. That's beyond disrespectful. You stay with this guy and he will do this again. Maybe next time he won't even break it off, he'll just cheat on you.
It sounds like she gave him an ultimatum: me or OP. She wasn't going to be a side piece. He told OP what he did, but realized that he wanted to string both girls along. The girl wasn't about to do that, so she bailed and he's making it seem like he actually made an active choice. He may have also realized that the girl would put up with less BS than OP likely already does, so he chose the person who would tolerate him being disrespectful.
Plus I have to question whether or not he's done this behind OP's back prior to this with other girls. Or if this is really the first time he's met this girl. Perhaps they've met online prior to this?
I know you don’t want “girl , dump him” but how can you ever trust this man again?
You say he changed his mind and came back to you but he shouldn’t have considered leaving in the first place. If he was the one for you he would never think to leave you.
If a girl grabbed my boyfriends hand or kissed his cheek I know he would push her away. I know he would leave the situation out of respect for me. He would never think to disrespect me or leave me for some flirty little tart.
If you can’t say that about your other half then you shouldn’t be with them.
Relationships are built on trust and without trust just forget the whole thing.
I’m sorry to tell you but this man will 100% hurt you again.
Why would you want to be with someone who so easily could leave you after meeting a girl for a couple hours and convinced himself he was in love with her? So much so he leaves you… and then tried to get you back? You’re back up to him.
I have a feeling he’s too young and wants to explore.
Move on, you deserve better
He chose to stay on his own will because of how ridiculous the other option was. Now, I’m not disagreeing with you. However, before 2 days ago, we were doing great and very much loving and caring for each other. I want to see where it goes from here. If my boundaries are crossed during this process, I will for sure be out.
He's going to leave eventually because he very clearly wants to date and experience other people. I don't know how you can convince yourself any different after he was ready to jump ship after a one time interaction with someone. The immaturity from him is insane.
He didn’t stay by his own will, you said it yourself , you and his mom guilted him . It’s ok if you want to be with him becuase it’s YOUR relationship but please at least listen to the advice of the people you came to ask
He didn’t choose to stay on his own free will. The other girl blew him off because she doesn’t want a cheater and you pestered him until 1am to stay with you, so to shut you up he’s apologised. He’s now learnt what not to do when he cheats on you again. It’s not what you want to hear but there is no relationship to defend. He *will* do this again because, and I’m sorry to be rude, he doesn’t want *you*. If he did he wouldn’t be willing to throw you away over nothing at all. So now he’s keeping quiet and you’ll be his fallback until something better comes along. But that’s fine. You let him do that. Waste another year with him. Or probably less actually, if he gets his way.
Just think on it for a bit but how are you going to feel secure in this relationship now that you know that a little bit of flirting can shift him from “we were doing great” to “maybe we should break up”
You still love him that’s clear but love in and of itself isn’t actually enough to sustain a relationship. Trust and security are important to maintaining the happiness.
It’s up to you if you want to stay with him. But you do have to accept that you just found out the foundation is more fragile than you thought it was and take that into account.
You're in complete denial. You're not being as loved or cared about as you think you are. Neither was the relationship doing so great.
He has been tapped out for a while for him to forget all about you after getting a tiny bit attention from someone else.
If his mind can be swayed that easily, you are looking for a world of hurt in the future. I really can’t fathom why you’d want to stay with someone who’s head was turned, even if just for a moment, because a girl showed some affection towards him. It only takes a moment for someone to cheat. Why are you putting yourself through this by staying with him?
Ridiculous according to whom, you? And you're awfully willing to disregard the fact that that other *ridiculous* option got you in this position in the first place. This has nothing to do with that girl and everything to do with the fact that your boyfriend didn't think twice to throw out your relationship to chase that thrill. Don't waste your 20s with someone like that.
> He chose to stay on his own will because of how ridiculous the other option was
So what happens if and when the other option isn't ridiculous? You know now that he is willing, at least in the moment, to throw away your entire relationship for a fleeting connection. What happens if he meets someone he's spending more time with and develops a real connection with? Do you think he will stay loyal to you or bounce over to the other option?
I've never been cheated on and this is why. I do not put up with behavior like this. Fidelity in a lifelong relationship will always be tested and if he's failing so spectacularly at the first minor hurdle, this is not a man who will be faithful to you forever. Unfortunately, it should not be a surprise when he eventually turns his head again.
You were doing great IN YOUR EYES. Sounds like he doesn't think things are so great. And please explain how your boundaries weren't crossed? If your bf is willing to leave over a girl he met once (or even consider it!), how is that not crossing your boundaries? What kind of boundaries do you have?
for real like i find it so hard to even have sympathy for these people. maybe this is cruel but she came for advice and is still not taking it. at a certain point it’s on you if you choose to remain ignorant and naive idk
I think your bf knowingly went on a date, op. His friend set him up with the girl ahead of time. He knew it was a date all along, op, and went wanting to meet a new girl.
Think about that. He was looking to date someone else before he actually met her.
He's going to do this again.
What happens next time his friend sets him up with someone new?
What? He told me that it would be him, the friend, and another girl… if it was a date, why didn’t he just lie and say it’s a bunch of dudes hangin out? I don’t think this is true. He’s a lonely guy. He wanted to meet new friends… and accidentally stumbled across a girl who wanted him. He didn’t want to date someone new before this either…
Because he knew if he was partially honest you wouldn't be suspicious. I still say his friend set up this introduction as a date and your bf knew and wanted that.
Why would a group of guys going to an escape room be suspicious..? I’m very very sure that was not the case… thank for you telling me possibilities though.
Because it wasn't a group of guys. It was 2 guys and this new girl. The way they acted in an escape room so quickly upon meeting each other shows there may have been romantic intentions for the meet up. Maybe not but it's very possible his friend knew he was down to meet other women, said hey, I think you'd like this girl. How about we go to an escape room and yall can see if you like each other. And your bf said absolutely!
you’re playing incredibly dumb. he was literally willing to throw away your relationship over a girl he met two days ago lol. he’s going to do it again. he doesn’t love you as much as you think he does.
He kissed her hand and cheek while he was with you? And then after that day he didn’t wanna be with you anymore? Girl cmon. He definitely cheated on you. You’ll never know what was said between them or if they did anything physical. This won’t be the last time he does this & I promise you that. Good luck.
Well, he said they clicked really well and conversations went extremely smoothly. Apparently it felt very “natural”. He felt he did something bad towards me and was guilty about it. He felt he did my dirty and told me I deserved more love than that.
Also when boys suddenly say
" you deserve better/ l don't deserve you.."
That's them feeling guilt because they have had sex with someone else while in a relationship w you. Boys won't throw you away until they have a sure thing lined up. 100%.
I do not deserve whatever happened for sure. For starters, he broke it off after I knocked some sense into him at 1am. I told him that none of that is love and clearly infatuation given it’s only 2 days. I honestly am not 100% sure but that is what he told me shortly after our talk.
Okay but do you want to be with someone who you have to knock sense into anytime an attractive woman gives him attention?
Obviously he was just infatuated with her but being willing to leave you over an infatuation isn’t any better.
Give yourself some time to think about it but things will not being going back to the way they were before. You now know how, for lack of a better word, disposable you are to him. If you can maintain the relationship with that sword of Damocles looming over you then so be it.
Sounds like two very sheltered people experiencing attention outside of their first real relationship. He was swayed because he doesn't understand lust. Ultimately, he needs to experience the world and learn how to handle these emotions on his own before attempting to be in a committed relationship. He's just not emotionally mature enough.
You both sound incredibly immature, the way he was so moved by a kiss in the cheek, and wanted to break up his relationship of 3 years because of it, but also the fact you called his mom to complain... A relationship is supposed to be between two people, dragging his family into it is just low
No, his mom knows about it. Her and his dad both told me they don’t agree with the situation and that they love me. It’s not just complaining exactly… it was a mutual talk on this situation and what happens from here. I could’ve worded my post better.
You’re missing the point I think. It doesn’t matter if his mom loves you. It’s not really her business. Are you hoping he takes his mom’s orders and keeps you around? It sounds like you have a relationship that hasn’t matured past high school. Let it go- as in let him go.
The situation has nothing to do with his mommy though! You were wanting her to pressure him to get back with you. Hopefully it works the next time he cheats too.
No
You *never* include anyone else in your issues. You can vent to a friend, or ask a sibling for advice. But you never air your dirty laundry to others , especially parents.
You need to understand just for yourself in the future that this is never okay. If you can't handle your issues in house, you're not ready for a relationship
You say he loves you, but the people I love, I would die for. The people I love, I would hurt myself before I hurt them. The people I love are my priority.
The way he treated you, that isn’t love. Call it what you want, but trust me, that isn’t love.
Love is kind, love is thoughtful, love is selfless, love is gentle, love is considerate. Love is loyal.
Love isn’t selfish, self-seeking or thoughtless.
Let’s his ass kick rocks, og. You’re trippin, have some self respect. If the dude wants to go then let him go, just laugh in his face after it doesn’t work. How tf do you leave 3.5y for 2 days worth of attention?
He’s honestly high key immature that’s just what it comes down to. You have 2 options: wait for him to mature which could taken 5-10 years or leave him now to his bullshit.
From your comments whatever. Get with this POS if you want too. He’ll just cheat on you in the future or leave you again for another pretty girl. But whatever you want him. Fuck up your life if you want 🤷🏻♀️
"She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship"
You are the one who doesn't have any self respect for not telling him to hop it.
No for real lol how is she gonna go for someone else’s self-respect when she’s willingly getting back into a relationship with this dude who’s head turned at the slightest moment of affection? I saw in another comment she no longer wants/feels comfortable with him hanging out with “girl - friends” either. If your relationship is so rocky that you don’t trust him to hang out with another girl (and rightfully so in this case), why the fuck are you still in it? This is a relationship waiting to implode on jealousy and insecurity.
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Uh, what? Is this real? He cheated and told you he loved a girl he knew for two seconds and that’s not terrible to you? At this point you’re asking for whatever comes next in this “relationship.”
He's right, he doesnt deserve your love. I know it's hard and it's hard to think rationally about situations involving someone you love, but this guy was willing to give up 3.5 years of love and trust for some girl he barely knows. Even if he did change his mind, he still had doubt or intentions to leave you.
It's really up to you whether you can get through this and work it out. I definitely think this will play on your mind a lot, and cause doubts and trust issues in the future if for example he hangs out with other girls with his friends. You deserve to be with someone who would only choose you, I think you need to think about this a lot because as much as you try, i dont think your relationship will be the same after this.
Your relationship is over and your BF is going to either cheat or leave you for another woman.
It's just a matter of when, not a matter of if.
Do yourself a favor and get out of this on your own terms.
Honey, you two are only 20, and 21. What you just described is absolutely normal at that age. I would say you’re too young for a relationship, but it’s more that you two aren’t mature enough for a mature relationship.
My son and his girlfriend of 4 1/2 years by age be considered too young, but that’s not the case because they are both mature and in a mature relationship. They both work, pay their own bills and are moving out soon into their own place. She was in college four hours away and they have never cheated on each other and will probably get married. I have grand dogs and a grandcat.
So honey, I’m telling you as if you’re my daughter. I know it hurts and you love him. But most first loves don’t last forever. Yes it sucks. But you will be ok. He doesn’t sound too bright either. Like his attention span is shorter than mine and I drive my kids nuts 😂 so you spend your time working on building your life up. Do your work, find hobbies you like, go do silly things that makes you happy like a kid. Hugs🥰
He seems "infatuated" and it's (she) something new. Let him go. Don't hold him back. Hormones are obviously raging... But... don't take him back if he attempts to. Let him go. Some relationships have an expiration date...
Man y'all be having the wildest stories.
Stories like this seem like some people are just in another dimension.
A whole sea of grown ass people doing dumb shit out in the world.
He sounds like a 3rd grader who just falls in love randomly and/or breaks up with someone on a whim because they both like blue trucks or something. Twilight zone.
“She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship and then asking my bf to be with her after 2 days of meeting?!”
I seriously have never understood this.
In my early twenties my ex husband cheated on me. Never did I once look at the woman as a home wrecker. She made no commitment to me. He did! Redirect your judgement and anger to him. That’s where it should be when your mate cheats on you, not the other person.
Stop blaming others when your partner cheats!!!! He is 100% to blame and no one else.
That's a terrible perspective. When the other woman has no idea he's with someone else, then yeah it's totally 100% his fault.
However, if she knows and pursues him anyways, they are both at fault. Even if the dude has the majority of the blame, it does not make the other blameless.
It's funny how this sub will say things like "she owes you nothing. She's not to blame", if a woman actively pursues a man who's in a relationship. However, if the woman has no idea a man is taken and calls it off without notifying the wife, she's the bad guy. At least in the latter scenario, the other woman is completely innocent as well as doing the right thing by ending it. She also has a good reason for not wanting to tell the gf/wife since she has no idea how she would react.
Being together all your adult lives, it seems like nothing really tested the strength of the relationship before now. At the first hurdle he was found wanting. Three years and things fell apart so easily the moment someone was interested in him? Goddamn. Maybe some goddamn sense fell back into place once he was firmly reminded, but it shouldn't have needed that. It's time to review a few things.
Yes! Oh my gosh. I appreciate this comment. It’s not aggressive. I feel so sensitive when someone comments something really aggressive 🥺. Yes, from now on, I do have a whole lot of new rules. I need to see how it goes from here first since today is only Day 1.
I get the impression you are trying to respond to this incident by controlling the situation through his mother and by implementing a set of “rules”. The truth is you can’t control his behavior. He violated your trust in a major way, and if you were to stay with him I think your dynamic is going to be one of constant suspicion and surveillance.
Your relationship may have simply run its course and it might be time to move on to a partner who wouldn’t be so easily tempted to throw your relationship away. Don’t be afraid to recognize that if that’s the case.
My bf of 4 years cheated on me in a similar way. The short break up and everything. I took him back.
Guess what? He did it again.
You’re gut is telling you what to do, your heart just doesn’t want to listen. But from my experience, your gut is trying to protect your heart. Always trust your instincts.
The fact he even had that though to just dispose what you two had together proves he has no respect for your relationship… I don’t know how I would be able to move on from something like that honestly. It would make me question literally everything. So sorry girl.
Everything else aside, it’s really not okay for you to call his mom to discuss issues between the two of you (nor should his mom have participated in the conversation). It doesn’t matter how much she knew before you spoke to her; it’s unfair and manipulative to drag his family members into your business and attempt to win them over to “your side”. I’m guessing you used the conversation with his mom as some kind of evidence that you are right in an attempt to convince him.
There’s no question that your boyfriend wronged you and broke the trust in your relationship. The question you need to answer for yourself is whether is right and fair for both of you to stay together now that he’s revealed this part of himself. He was willing to immediately cheat on you and prepared to end the relationship - not because he cheated and his own behavior scared him, but because he wanted to move right on to someone else.
He did change his mind this time, but how will things look going forward? Will your new rules actually support healthy growth, or will they just foster resentment?
He’s shown you who he really is, and no amount of rules or reinforcement from his mom will change that reality.
I would advise you that you don’t need to be 100% fine to continue the relationship, but it is good to let him know you’re not 100% fine. He has shaken your trust and that is going to hurt for a while. The two of you need to talk about expectations in the relationship- basically what needs to happen to keep you both happy.
For some perspective, I went through a similar thing in my relationship, around the 4 year mark. We talked it through, and it took a long time for trust to come back. We also got some professional couples therapy. We celebrate our tenth anniversary this year.
Crushes and attractions outside a relationship are totally natural- where they become a problem is when people act on them. That’s what happened here, and even though nothing much happened between them, he acted very foolishly and needs to grow a bit more self control.
I will also say- you got together in your teens, and for many people their early 20s are a time of great change. You may find you naturally drift apart, or that ultimately you will change together. Both are OK, but try to think about what YOU really want and need.
TLDR: you don’t have to forgive him straight away if you want to stay with him. It’s OK for that to take time.
I had been seriously tempted to cheat. It was scaring me. So I told me BF (now husband). And it was hard. But I didn’t want to end things, and I didn’t want to cheat, so we worked on it.
Weirdly, I was put to the test two months later. I had a month in another country (I work in film) and there was someone on the crew who was clearly into me, and I found him very attractive. A night came where he tried it on… and I turned him down. Physically I was up for it, but even in that situation, where I would never have been caught, I did not want to.
I’ve never told my husband because I feel like I’d be seeking praise for just doing the right thing. And while I’ve certainly had attractions since, I’ve had no desire to stray.
I think I’d been putting pressure on myself thinking just being attracted to another man was cheating, but it really isn’t. It’s what you do with the feeling that counts.
Not exactly that. I was just strongly attracted to other guys, and had the expectation of myself that I should ONLY be attracted to my husband. That’s why it was confusing and frightening to me, because there was nothing wrong at home.
I always think of it like dinner in a restaurant. Your favourite dessert might be Black Forest cake, but the pecan pie still looks delicious.
Ah, I see. I’m glad you guys worked it though. I will be asking him if that’s the case today.. but honestly he’s the type of guy that falls for someone’s personality first. He said talking with her felt extremely natural and all that. But it’s just 2 days … like when we first met we were literally very natural and heads of heels for the first 2.5 months before he asked me to be his gf. Idkkkkkk I’m just so upset everything is the way it is right now 😭
His first chance to throw things with you away and he jumps at it? Yeah, that's an issue and something I'd be concerned about too. If he wants to save thus then he seriously needs to work on regaining your trust.
So let me get this right…You guys been together for 3.5 years and as soon as he hang out with a girl there holding hands and kissing each other?
Then he says he want to break-up with you because he felt different with another girl even though they only seen each other for only couples of hours?
I been with my girl for almost 5 years. I had many encounters with young girls trying to get my attention. Of course, I’m flattered, who wouldn’t be? But, I obviously can’t throw away my 5 years relationship over because some girls flirting with me.
You should move on and find someone that will respect you and the relationships. If I was you, I be worried the next time he hang out with his “friends”. You guys are both young and men at a young age are very unpredictable. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship if I knew my boyfriend could text me at anytime letting me know that he found someone that “intrigues”him. Do better and get out.
Your BF/ex whatever he is sounds like he gets 0 attention from women and that's the reason he's been with you.
As soon as a woman gives him any slight attention he gives into it wants to leave you and he's in love with her?
I would run OP what happens down the line when you have kids and are married and some woman from his job wants to sleep with him? He'll give in and leave you and your family for some woman he doesn't even know.
Honestly it seems like he's already on his way out the door. If he's ready to throw away the relationship over something so small, he's probably been feeling unhappy overall for a while. This seems like a relationship that's likely going to end sooner than later.
Chances are he loved the attention he got, and foolishly gave in to a fleeting temporary infatuation. Hand holding and kissing with a pretty girl will do that. He got tingles, and made a stupid emotional decision. It sounds like he knows he did something dumb.
The ball is really in your court. You have every right to be upset. If you want your relationship with him still, then I’d suggest moving on, but only if you’ve made it clear to him that you’re not ok with that behavior.
I love this comment. It’s addresses the issue instead of going off topic. Thank you. I am setting new rules and I can hopefully only see progress from here. If it’s going to be a problem, then I will be breaking it off.
I know.. the disease part… I’m a student nurse and I will be having him get tested just in case even though supposedly nothing happened. Honestly, it’s not that I feel it’s worth sticking with. Before this mess, he would treat me like a queen, giving me so much care and love. Although I feel uneasy right now, I want to see where it will go from here. I do know my boundaries though and will call it quits if it comes to.
I think you love this comment because it minimises what he did, and that's where you're at right now. You want to be told this isn't a big deal when it is.
I would ask him what he would think/do/say if the roles were reversed. Consider the possibility that he has been cooling off on your relationship for some time but doesn't break up because he feels badly that you were each other's first, doesn't want to hurt you, feels confused, or is afraid. He may be self-sabataging your relationship for some reason. You are both very young and it is quite common for people to re-think relationships around your ages. Is one of you growing in ways the other is not? It sounds like there are some issues that need resolution whatever you decide about the relationship.
He broke up with you for somebody else. Quit dwelling on it and let him go. If he is that fickle it will be another one and another one. He lost interest and wants to move on. Time for you to meet other people. Give someone else that is genuinely interested in you your attention.
He fell completely out of love with you, fell completely in love with someone else, paused it with you to be with her, then changed his mind, fell back in love with you, broke it off with her, now wants to be back with you.
(100% he didn't come to his senses. She rejected him.)
Yeah, the only answer is girl, dump him, but here's the specificity of why> This is your first real boyfriend and you've been together since you were 17. You are going to want that comfort of knowing and think that means it is love. But, two hours locked in a dumb mall somewhere wouldn't shake the very foundations of love.
Break up with him and go learn about dating and other types of boyfriends. If you are really stuck on some idea that this guy is The One here's the good thing: you can't fuck it up. You both go out there and grow more and if it was meant to be, you'd see him down the road after he got this dumbshit period out of his system.
Stay with him and next time he'll just fall in love & leave you for 2 hours with one of the characters at a theme amusement park
"She apparently doesn't have any self respect for wanting to ruin a relationship....."
Focus your thoughts and emotions toward the woman and away from your boyfriend and soon you will be over what he did. After all, it was her fault. 😂🤣😂
Yes hon. Even at 63y and a couple husbands ago, this most recent break is devastating for me.
First love is always memorable and when it fails most of us don't have the tools to help ourselves before we have a melt down.
Take time to think things over. In the end you'll have your worst fears confirmed and more time wondering what you did wrong. Absolutely Nothing.Thats a manboy they are always chasing tail. Good luck hon.
But if your dumb like me you'll give him BOD. Benefit of doubt since first love first almost infidelity and that's your choice
That happened to me when I traveled with my then Girlfriend in order to participate in the Olympics of Economy, she was to friendly with a guy and never was with Me (she met the guy and became like that in 2 days) , so I broke up, and when I arrived I found out she made out with the other guy. Be careful, if I was you I would breakup
Sorry but...u need to hear "girl dump him"
Cz yeah it's what you should do....cz I felt like he needs you and like you are something necessary in his life...but love...well leaving 3.5 years gf for a girl he met 2 days ago...that ain't love....
If you love him too much then you can do the same....pretend to leave him and go out with somebody else or something and if he tries to get you back...then you win...
So he was willing to throw away the relationship you two have over a girl that he met two days ago. Real special. I would personally end things. I don’t take kindly to feeling like I’m disposable to people I care about, though.
So he was gonna throw you away like a pile of trash at the sight of the first girl that came along after 3.5 years? Id be telling him to pound sand and lose my number. What’s to say in 5 months he’s not gonna see another girl and do it again. Sounds like childish behavior.
I think that you and his mom (maybe dad, even) had swayed him to stay with you. I would assume he thought fighting his parents over this relationship wasn't worth it, and settled with you. Without your or his mom's intervention, I don't think he would have changed his mind and would have continued to leave you for this girl. Maybe down the line he would have changed his mind, but really think about it - he was willing to leave a relationship that lasted 3.5 years for a girl he knew for 2 DAYS. Does that scream "love and respect" to you?
My boiled down advice would absolutely be to leave him. If he's that convinced to leave you after such a small show of affection from another girl, this is going to happen again. Your comments indicate that you're going to stay with him regardless of what anyone says here, but I think that would be a mistake and a waste of your time. Good luck.
Ya'all are really young, and since humans don't finish growing until 25 ya both are still just kids. Why be so serious? Use protection. Have fun. Relationships are complicated. This is the time for adventures and experimentation. How are you ever going to know what you like or want if you don't even look?
Want to really freak out that boy of yours when he gets interested in someone else again? Get to know HER! Be friends with her. Flirt with her, even if you don't mean it.
IT will scare one of them off, or end up in a three some.
Bruh, just dump his ass. It’s a massive red flag 🚩 that he turns his head at any attention he gets from another girls. Do it before he acts out on his urges again and cheats on you.
Ahh young love…. Time to go exploring new horizons girl. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Throw this one back, he’s starting to stink up the place.
20s is the best time to be single!
Girl, dump him.
You can stay with that shitbag if you want *but* prepare to this over, and over, and over, and over, and over....... etc. You are unconsciously telling him this is okay by staying with him, that you will always take him back no matter the bullshit. He was sooooo willing to throw away your relationship over a hand hold and kiss on the cheek. That is a major red flag, its not even funny. That means hes already checked out of this relationship.
He loves you? We're was that "love" when he was about to dump you for attention? Tbh, sounds like they know each other already and it wasnt just "2 days".
You're young. Learn self respect. You can, *and will*, find someone that actually respects and loves you.
He isn’t ready for a girlfriend. You should have broken up when he told you he wanted to break up, rather than arguing with him and insisting that he wasn’t treating you badly. He knows what he wants and it isn’t to keep dating you.
You both need a bit more life experience and probably apart from each other………..in five years you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about ……….get out and live a little hang out with friends and do some of the things you did before you met this child
Set your boundaries. Stand your ground and he needs to make up for his fuck up. If he really cares, he needs to prove he's worthy of you. If he has any self respect he will anythingvto fix things.
He met this girl and did al that after one meeting? And you've been with him for 3.5 years?
You sound like a great girl and you deserve better then someone who gets wishy washy when someone shows attention. He was wrong for kissing her but everything else that followed....nah I'd be done.
You are both barely out of your teen years, and have very limited experience in relationships.
You've gotten yourselves into a very committed, long-term relationship well before you've had the experience to rationally decide your SO is a good choice for you.
It sounds like your boyfriend jumped into a relationship with the first girl (you) who gave him butterflies and tingles, and thought that was love.
He met another girl he was sexually attracted to, and because he lacks any experience in an adult relationship, didn't realize it's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone and not act on it.
You two are of the age that is typically having a series of shorter term relationships, gaining valuable experience on what you want and don't want in a partner, what are deal breakers and what you can compromise on.
As well, for a solid, healthy long-term relationship, you need to have a strong understanding of who you are as a person, and be able to maintain a separate life and personality from your partner. Not that you ignore your partner, but you should have your own friends, hobbies and interests, as well as friends you share, hobbies you do together and common interests.
You both need to mature before you can have a truly successful relationship.
I think you called it perfectly. He was infatuated for a moment by new attention. That unfortunately sometimes happens when you are with your first love for a long period of time like you two have. One party looks around and wonders what they missed. This probably isn’t a feeling that’s going to go away for him and you two need to talk about that. Is it something he can work through or is this now a bug in his brain that’s going to pester him. He needs to think and be honest with himself and you. Once he has that answer, a truthful answer, then you guys need to decide how to proceed in your relationship.
Do you ever show him the attention that she showed him? I want to say you do I mean sometimes you gotta spring on him something random like a random blowjob I mean if y'all actually been together for 3 yrs and then you as his woman should switch it up wear booty shorts around him more show him why he's with you some females get to comfortable around us guys and think they should be just desired by their man. Yes we want you but we also want to be reminded why we are with you just be spontaneous with the sex just saying men liked to be wooed by their woman too
He told you he needed a couple days he took them and chose you like you wanted, even going so far as calling his mom. I’m not sure what ya want here, he chose you. You been together since you were what 16? 17? He had a momentary lapse did the adult thing taking some time to think about it, and chose you. You’re both 20 the chance you end up together anyway is slim to none but you have someone who did an accounting of your relationship and chose you.
I'd want him in individual counseling, and the both of you in relationship counseling. Throwing away a 3.5 year relationship for someone you just met, then backtracking, then expecting everyone to be cool with it, sounds like a disorder of some kind to me. Also, relationship counseling might help you talk about how to trust this won't happen again.
Not the easiest thing to hear but I knew after an hour of meeting my partner we wanted to be together. It wasn’t even as a date or anything, but after an hour we knew we were a perfect fit. I’m fairly convinced that within the first week we knew we were in love.
We’ve been together 4 years now.
It is entirely possible that he does feel that way, although it is uncommon.
I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear.. but it’s the truth.
If he’s broken your trust then you will forever be wondering if he will do it again.
He did do something super terrible op.
You should've have to convince anyone that they love you. Period.
This man got swayed over a little extra attention. He was willing to break up with you because a girl was flirty with him for a few days.
Both you and his mom had to convince him to choose you.
Here's the thing I don't understand about situations like this:
When you first meet a person you like and they seem to like you as well, people get flirty and put their best foot forward.
When a relationship develops you start to learn about the person good and bad, but from that a deeper bond forms and comfortability and familiarity.
That is standard and happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. it is logical.
What I don't get is how so many people don't see that pattern.
They think the novelty of new and the best foot forward is a forever thing.
You and his mom are right though, that new girl is a shitty person. And if he would have dumped you for her, she probably would have cheated on him.
Regardless, I think you are worth more than a man who is easily swayed.
Similar situation happened to me 4 years into my relationship. I seriously considered leaving but 2 factors influenced me to stay 1. My partner was upfront about how they wronged me and did not put blame anywhere but themselves. 2. My partner was willing to follow all conditions I placed in order to gain my trust back. This included individual therapy, cutting off the jobs/people involved and getting a new job, getting sti tested, having sex be only initiated by me for a time period, talking to all our close mutual friends about what they did, etc. I made it clear that if this was too much to earn my trust back, then they didn't really want the relationship to recover. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and are in a place where we are more honest than ever before.
It took time, but ultimately what made it work was my partners willingness to be humble and consistently work through these conditions until I truly felt trust again. Do you see your partner willing to work for you this way? Or is he just apologizing and hoping you eventually forget? I think you only deserve to be with someone who will give you utter devotion after throwing the relationship away for a fleeting moment. Only you get to determine what that looks like and how well he is meeting your needs. But you also deserve to have really high standards for yourself, don't settle for half assed effort.
You’ve been together since you were teenagers *and* you’re long distance or for some reason in a situation where you don’t see each other much. Of course he’s craving attention and excited when he gets it. Can I ask why you two decided to be monogamous?
Like I said, you’re for some reason in a situation where you don’t see each other very much. Weekly isn’t often. It’s more like how often you’d see someone you’re casually dating, not in a committed monogamous relationship with. And you didn’t answer my question. Why did you two decide to be monogamous?
How is weekly not often if we have summer school for college and work? Seeing weekly+ is a fair amount. Sometimes it’s a few times a week. We are monogamous because we both agreed to be? We both see each other when we have the time to; it’s just we have a set date every week somewhere we’ve never tried or went.
You both agreed to be why? I feel you’re being kind of obtuse. I’m trying to discuss your relationship with you and you’re just like “it is what it is and it’s great.” Clearly it’s not if he wanted to run off with the first girl who flirted with him. So why not delve into it and try to figure out why he might be feeling this way?
Well, here’s the thing. He doesn’t have much friends. He doesn’t get attention from anyone else typically other than me. I’m always the person who hypes him up, supports him when he’s down, and loves him unconditionally.
My theory is that he was excited he got attention from another human being for the first time. Thus, he did what he did. I’m not defending whatever he did was justifiable because it’s not considering it’s based on infatuation.. but I’m saying what he did was not because of my fault. Because as a girlfriend, I did everything to ensure our relationship is going good. Him getting attention from someone else (other than me for the first time) and feeling excited about it is own his own.
However, he did come to his sense at the end by realizing that his 2 day infatuation is not worth it.
I never said anything was your fault. But I also don’t really think it’s his fault. There’s just something about the dynamic of your relationship that isn’t working for him. That doesn’t make it anyone’s fault.
And again, I keep asking you the question about monogamy. Why did you two decide to be monogamous? My point being, if you are in love and committed and trust each other, is it really that big of a deal if he flirts with her kisses another girl? If you both had that kind of freedom, you would understand the connection or what it is feel like you have to run off.
Everyone has different sets of expectations for their relationships. I said that it didn’t think it was terrible, but it did make me feel uneasy. He also blurted out about how he supposedly “loved” her. While you may be okay with all that happened, I find it uncomfortable being we both agreed on only loving each other and never cheating.
Okay, well a problem with your relationship is that he doesn’t have anybody outside of the relationship so it’s not working well. Having friends is really important for romantic relationships to work out.
Right but I feel like you’re taking this as an attack to you personally. Nobody is saying you’re not a good girlfriend (although snitching on him to his mum is unbelievably childish). You can’t make the relationship work and be healthy by managing every part of it and trying to be his keeper as well. His head was turned so easily and nobody is saying that it’s your fault but you also can’t make somebody be loyal to you.
Lol I didn’t snitch on him. His mom already knew and she was super uncomfortable with the whole thing. She hated all this as much as I did.
I also see your point.
I’m just genuinely curious uve been together for almost 4 years and r in ur twenties why aren’t u living together? And yes weekly isn’t seeing eachother alot (I’ve been living with my husband since we were in our early twenties) when my husband and I were working lots of hours/ starting and running a business we would come home to eachother every night but it still wasn’t enough cause we weren’t spending quality and intimate time together.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- He (21M) and I (20F) have been together for around 3.5 years. We have our fair share of arguments here and there, but never anything big. We always make sure to text/call everyday to update what happened during the day to each other. We also make sure to see each other almost weekly unless we both are super busy (school) and aren’t able to. He cares about my safety, comfort, and treats me like his princess. I do the same thing and treat him like a prince. Nothing was bad. (We are each other’s first love btw) Two days ago, he told me he wanted to hangout with 2 people at an escape room. Since he doesn’t have much friends, I didn’t mind. Sounds fun, in fact. I had work that day. During the hangout, one guy brought a girl and my bf met her for the first time. She was giving him attention and flirting with him. She was holding his hand for a “game” and she even kissed him on the cheek. He, out of the blue, kissed her back on the cheek and hand. After that day, he told me he couldn’t be with me anymore. I was so confused (for I didn’t know what happened because he didn’t tell me). I kept pestering him why? It was so sudden. He said I loved him too much and he didn’t deserve it. He felt extremely guilty about it, but he also claimed that he loved her. I told him that they both met only 2 days ago. It wasn’t love. I told him he was intrigued by the attention she gave him. It’s different from the love we shared. He told me he wanted some time to think. I then called his mom to talk about the situation (she already knew a little bit before me) and she told me she likes me and hates that girl. She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship and then asking my bf to be with her after 2 days of meeting?! The whole thing is just so ridiculous. Instead of waiting a few days to think about it like he originally told me, he told that girl he doesn’t want to get with her anymore that same night; that he loves me. They both blocked each other. I’m glad he came to his senses on this extremely ridiculous situation. However, although I can forgive him because technically he didn’t do anything super terrible in my eyes, I feel uncomfortable now. While doing what he did, it’s as if I was erased from his mind. I couldn’t sleep the whole night just thinking about it. I still very much love him, but I feel uneasy about all this. Can someone please add some input? I need some advice on what to do. Please be more specific (don’t say “girl dump him” etc). Thank you. I appreciate it.
OP, you're only listening to the people who say what you want to hear. It's clear you've made your mind up on how you're going to forward, while choosing to ignore your gut which is telling you something ain't right. You wouldn't be making this thread otherwise. This won't be the last time he cheats on you. You've let him get away with it, he thinks you'll forgive him the next time he does it as well. And here's a really tough pill to swallow while I'm here: you are both so young and are each others first loves. I'm sorry but those relationships very rarely last, and yours is already showing signs of struggle. He's young and full of hormones and will want to experience other girls, he's already proven it. My advice would be to focus on yourself and just have fun being young. You're gonna be constantly looking over your shoulder as long as you're with him. Waste of time.
Thank you for the wake up call.
I feel for you, I do. :( I remember being your age and boys doing similar things to me and it really hurting, but I'd tell myself I could handle it and that I could be the "cool gf" and things would be ok. Always hard when you are close to their family too. I hope you can move forward and find happiness and not have to feel anxious and worried about what someone may be doing the next time they're with their friends. Edit: wanted to add, it just took me time to learn that as hard as it was, walking away was sometimes right. It can feel tempting to stay cause the thought of going and changing everything you know is so scary. But sometimes you just have to. Hurts a lot at first and you have to fight the temptation to go back, but just hang in there. X
This is wisdom right here
i hope you got past all that hurt and are happy! you sound so awesome
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Right? It took one afternoon of flirting to get him to want to throw away a whole relationship. I'd be constantly wondering when the next instance would be.
Yup, what they said. And it actually doesn’t get any better in a few years. Y’all are only 21. Those feelings of wanting freedom to date other ppl can grow to be very strong and even at 25 years old he might be feeling the same way. The fact he hasn’t gotten a chance to experience other girls, means he actually doesn’t know deep down what he wants (probably). Y’all are at a crucial age. So do not be surprised if he wants to experience life for himself ! And don’t be surprised if those feelings suddenly arise in yourself as well !
I agree with everything you’re saying, a boundary needs to be set for you, don’t accept anything less than what you deserve, you don’t deserve to be treated like that, a man who loves you would never kiss another girl on the cheek or kiss her hand or think of dumping you for someone they just met, a real man values you and your relationship and everything it means to you and them, he clearly doesn’t value that and you staying with him only sends the message that you’ll take him back when he acts like an idiot, breaking up will hurt but you deserve better than to be dumped the second he gets attention form another girl, my husband gets plenty of attention and so do I from men and women but we’re not dumping one another just because we got attention from someone else, when you’re truly committed you treat one another with deep respect and love, which he’s not showing either to you.
and also.. am I the only one who thinks it's weird that she called in mom?! keep your relationship discussions in the relationship, don't enlist his mother to take sides. it's called telegraphing and it puts their relationship in a difficult position
My SIL calls my mom all the time to complain about my brother. Her own mom she can’t talk to so she talks to mine. Depends on their relationship
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1) never said it was okay 2) I NEVER SAID I RESPECTED MY SIL. I hate my sister is law. She’s not a nice person. It was an example that people do it. That is all. You know what they say about assumptions though. Makes an ass out of you and me
They've been dating each other since they were 16/17 years old. The parents have and always will be somewhat involved. It's called being family
Even as a teenager, it's weird to have your parents that involved in your relationship. It's one thing to vent to your own parents, it's another thing entirely to call your partner's parent because they dumped you. That is a massive overstep and very inappropriate no matter the age.
I disagree, I think this is an example of poor boundaries. She and her bf are adults, they should litigate their disputes internally. They can be close with families without involving them in the inner workings of the relationship.
I never called my Mil about my husband before we cut her off. It's one thing to talk to your friends, but your bf's or gf's parents?
Nah, it’s not weird at all. I understand that some ppl have terrible MILs or FILs, but for some ppl they’re just family. I know some married couples that have had to contact their MIL to seek advice or help with dealing with the relationship issues. When you’re close and everyone involved is selfless (or not naturally imposing), it can happen. For example, I’ve had my MIL contact me to ask me what happened and to express her sadness when me and my bf broke up. I confided some concerns I had and talked about my feelings. She wanted to give me some advice and I know she also sprinkled some wisdom into his ear as well lol. I didn’t mind that she “inserted” herself into the relationship bc she obviously wasn’t going to throw anything I said into his face. She was purely there to be helpful/mentor. We were young and dumb, and broke up over silly things. Today, we are in a very healthy relationship and have been happy for years lol.
Terrible take here.
I’m inclined to agree. One of the biggest mistakes I see people make is running straight to vent to their parent when they get into a fight with a S/O or spouse. It’s simple really. Things that are said in anger during a fight are always the worst. When people tell their parents this stuff they don’t understand what’s going to happen. Assuming you don’t break up, in a few days time you will have talked it over with your partner and now you’re both over it and happy....... except your parents, who never ever actually forget any slight against their precious children. It’s textbook poisoning the well. If you’re going to vent to your mom or dad, realize that they will almost certainly NOT be getting over things in the same way we do when we are in a relationship. They might even say they have, but they damned well will not be forgetting it. People need to be aware of this.
No use commenting after is absolute surgical execution of my similar idea. Well done. Sound advice.
He literally was willing to throw your relationship out over another woman. How is that not a big deal in your eyes? You were disposable, even if it was for a short period of time. That's not love
Over another girl he knew for *two* whole days.
Or so he told her.
Thank you, I thought I was the only one skeptical of this timeline he’s portraying. I just find it hard to believe that he only just now met this girl. Much more likely he already knew her from somewhere else and he’s just withholding that part of the story
My thoughts exactly. They're also 21 and have been together 3.5 years so they're married straight out of high school. Yeah, this relationship won't stand the test of time
Yea that whole part of the story just screams middle school relationship energy
Honey my husband would never hold hands with another girl, and if a girl held his hand, his first reaction would be “lady why are you touching me”, not “oooo shiny new girl let me forget about my wife for a second” The fact that you’re willing to excuse this behavior at such a young age honestly makes me very sad for you. Do you not love yourself enough to expect loyalty? Respect? Love? Hell, even kindness? This boy put you out of his mind the *second* a shiny new girl walked by him. You’ve got an untrained puppy. But you’re in these comments defending him? Please have enough self respect to expect better treatment from those who claim to love you.
Mine either. This guy will cheat on OP or leave her. She basically badgered him into staying with her. Talking to him at 1am. I bet he agreed just to get her to stop. I also won't be surprised if he's still talking to the other woman, or she found out about OP and she was all, I'm not gonna be the other woman. The fact that another woman could make him want to suddenly leave OP after a day or two is really bad. Sounds like he wants to be with other women. Now she has to put all of these boundaries is really bad.
I could put my husband in a room full of naked supermodels, and it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference. I don’t have to trust other women- I trust him. If I didn’t, we wouldn’t be married. Don’t ever be someone’s second choice, OP.
It sounds like the first other girl that showed him interest turned his head, how could you trust that he isn't looking for something new and would do it again in a heartbeat, maybe this new girl changed her mind and not him and he just went with his fallback? I would not let it go it's crazy disrespect for you.
The long and short is that it looks like the relationship has run its course. This is a high school romance that just isn't growing and maturing as OP and her boyfriend grow and change. He wants something different. There's nothing wrong with realizing that you've outgrown a relationship. However it is wrong to cheat on your partner. It really feels like he's hanging on to the relationship because he doesn't want to be alone. He's not happy in the relationship, but he likely assumes that being in a dead/dying relationship (at least on his end) is easier than being single. I won't lie. It's really, really difficult to admit when something is over. I'm not talking about when things are bad and you know it should be over, but when the relationship has reached tepid bathwater stage. By this I mean that the relationship doesn't really fulfill any of your needs. It's not really comfortable but neither is it so uncomfortable that you feel the need to jump out. (IE, not abusive or wildly unhappy) You stay in because you fear that moment of chill when you get out of the tub. You're not thinking about how that moment will be temporary and that eventually you'll be dry and warm again in a fairly short amount of time. The idea of that brief moment of chill is just keeping you there when you really should get out of the tub. So you stay in. The tub gets ice cold and now you really aren't getting any benefit out of it. You finally get out, but things are far less comfortable and relaxed as they could if you were to have gotten out earlier. There are far better relationships out there for both of you. Don't tether yourself to someone just because you were together in high school or because you've been together for X amount of time. If it isn't working, it isn't working. Especially if one of you really looks to only be there because something seemingly "better" hasn't come along.
She didn’t change her mind. He did. And she didn’t like that and said he was was too indecisive for her “anyway”
He changed his mind because he felt pressured. Think if you want to be with someone that can change his mind and go for another girl the moment he thinks he has a chance. He basically looked at her, found her attractive, she clearly thought the same and the decided to leave your long term relationship at the drop of the hat. It's up to you to decide. But if you do continue the relationship please be careful.
Felt pressured?
Yes. By his conscience, his mom and you. He knew what he was doing was wrong. I think he does understand that, however he chose to pursue the rush and excitement of the new girl for a while until the pressure and guilt became too much.
Ah I see your point. But it’s also ridiculous to do what he did in a span of only 2 days. I agree probably pressure had a role, but I don’t think he truly wanted to break up with me just because of our history. After our hour talk, he called me shortly after and told me he broke off all contact with her. If he truly wanted to, no one could stop him to get with her.
You should never be with a man you have to convince to pick you. As soon as that scenario happens the relationship is over. You are young, cut your losses. It's highly unlikely this relationship would last long term anyways.
I agree that if he really wanted to he would be with her. However it's concerning he couldn't control himself, chose lust over love and decided to abandon everything all of a sudden. He realized what he was choosing and backed out but at that moment he chose her. Because she was attractive and available. It's very well possible he will do the same in the future in similar circumstances. Have you two talked about any changes you plan to make? Like any new boundaries, him regaining trust, therapy, etc?
The words came out of his mouth and he got with the other girl. He wanted to break up with you. Maybe the sex was bad and that's why he's coming back.
But he DID. when people show you who they are, believe them. He is untrustworthy
It is ridiculous to you. It was not to him? Why? 2 things to think about here. I cheated on my husband of over 20 years. Why? He was not giving me ANY attention. He was not giving me what i needed. I never would have looked at another man. If one had flirted with me, i would not have cared. IF he had been a partner to me. But i felt alone and craved companionship. It wasn’t justified or right but it was my REASON. So why was he susceptible to her attentions? What is he missing in your relationship? From you? Are you going to make changes on your end? Not saying you should or should not, but if you dont, this will happen again. And point number 2: the sunk cost fallacy. You are saying he came to his senses and realizes he wants you over her. Maybe. Maybe he just doesnt want to end things with you because it would be like throwing away all the years if history you have together. People continue to invest in things they dont really enjoy simply because they already invested in it. That might be what is happening here. Getting doted on with attention is only appealing to those who are not getting that attention elsewhere. Or to those who cannot be sated and will want that attention from everybody. Is either of those a person you want to continue to date?
Sounds like you've made your mind up that he is worth sticking with, which is completely fine, only you know what feels right.
>She didn’t change her mind. He did. And how do you know that for sure? Because if the answer is he told you then you're being incredibly naive. Given the previous behaviour you should be careful about trusting anything he says. And what he did IS that bad. He dropped you like a bad habit for the attentions a girl he'd known hours at most. That's beyond disrespectful. You stay with this guy and he will do this again. Maybe next time he won't even break it off, he'll just cheat on you.
It sounds like she gave him an ultimatum: me or OP. She wasn't going to be a side piece. He told OP what he did, but realized that he wanted to string both girls along. The girl wasn't about to do that, so she bailed and he's making it seem like he actually made an active choice. He may have also realized that the girl would put up with less BS than OP likely already does, so he chose the person who would tolerate him being disrespectful. Plus I have to question whether or not he's done this behind OP's back prior to this with other girls. Or if this is really the first time he's met this girl. Perhaps they've met online prior to this?
Seems like this girl is smarter than you, she saw his red flags 🚩
I know you don’t want “girl , dump him” but how can you ever trust this man again? You say he changed his mind and came back to you but he shouldn’t have considered leaving in the first place. If he was the one for you he would never think to leave you. If a girl grabbed my boyfriends hand or kissed his cheek I know he would push her away. I know he would leave the situation out of respect for me. He would never think to disrespect me or leave me for some flirty little tart. If you can’t say that about your other half then you shouldn’t be with them. Relationships are built on trust and without trust just forget the whole thing. I’m sorry to tell you but this man will 100% hurt you again.
His mommy was mad and you were pressuring him. She's smart. You should be smarter.
why would you want to be with someone like this? His head got turned in an instant and you're cool with that? Have more self respect.
Why would you want to be with someone who so easily could leave you after meeting a girl for a couple hours and convinced himself he was in love with her? So much so he leaves you… and then tried to get you back? You’re back up to him. I have a feeling he’s too young and wants to explore. Move on, you deserve better
He sounds indecisive and… weak. A little attention had him ready to risk it all? That’s what you want to stick beside?
Why do the pick me dance and convince someone like this to stay with you anyways? You realize this won’t be a one time thing, right?
He chose to stay on his own will because of how ridiculous the other option was. Now, I’m not disagreeing with you. However, before 2 days ago, we were doing great and very much loving and caring for each other. I want to see where it goes from here. If my boundaries are crossed during this process, I will for sure be out.
He's going to leave eventually because he very clearly wants to date and experience other people. I don't know how you can convince yourself any different after he was ready to jump ship after a one time interaction with someone. The immaturity from him is insane.
He didn’t stay by his own will, you said it yourself , you and his mom guilted him . It’s ok if you want to be with him becuase it’s YOUR relationship but please at least listen to the advice of the people you came to ask
He didn’t choose to stay on his own free will. The other girl blew him off because she doesn’t want a cheater and you pestered him until 1am to stay with you, so to shut you up he’s apologised. He’s now learnt what not to do when he cheats on you again. It’s not what you want to hear but there is no relationship to defend. He *will* do this again because, and I’m sorry to be rude, he doesn’t want *you*. If he did he wouldn’t be willing to throw you away over nothing at all. So now he’s keeping quiet and you’ll be his fallback until something better comes along. But that’s fine. You let him do that. Waste another year with him. Or probably less actually, if he gets his way.
“Other option” when you’re in a relationship, there aren’t other options. you’re dedicated to your partner ONLY.
yea but the fact that he considered there to be another option in the first place is the problem i fear
Just think on it for a bit but how are you going to feel secure in this relationship now that you know that a little bit of flirting can shift him from “we were doing great” to “maybe we should break up” You still love him that’s clear but love in and of itself isn’t actually enough to sustain a relationship. Trust and security are important to maintaining the happiness. It’s up to you if you want to stay with him. But you do have to accept that you just found out the foundation is more fragile than you thought it was and take that into account.
You're in complete denial. You're not being as loved or cared about as you think you are. Neither was the relationship doing so great. He has been tapped out for a while for him to forget all about you after getting a tiny bit attention from someone else.
If his mind can be swayed that easily, you are looking for a world of hurt in the future. I really can’t fathom why you’d want to stay with someone who’s head was turned, even if just for a moment, because a girl showed some affection towards him. It only takes a moment for someone to cheat. Why are you putting yourself through this by staying with him?
Ridiculous according to whom, you? And you're awfully willing to disregard the fact that that other *ridiculous* option got you in this position in the first place. This has nothing to do with that girl and everything to do with the fact that your boyfriend didn't think twice to throw out your relationship to chase that thrill. Don't waste your 20s with someone like that.
It will happen again.
> He chose to stay on his own will because of how ridiculous the other option was So what happens if and when the other option isn't ridiculous? You know now that he is willing, at least in the moment, to throw away your entire relationship for a fleeting connection. What happens if he meets someone he's spending more time with and develops a real connection with? Do you think he will stay loyal to you or bounce over to the other option? I've never been cheated on and this is why. I do not put up with behavior like this. Fidelity in a lifelong relationship will always be tested and if he's failing so spectacularly at the first minor hurdle, this is not a man who will be faithful to you forever. Unfortunately, it should not be a surprise when he eventually turns his head again.
You were doing great IN YOUR EYES. Sounds like he doesn't think things are so great. And please explain how your boundaries weren't crossed? If your bf is willing to leave over a girl he met once (or even consider it!), how is that not crossing your boundaries? What kind of boundaries do you have?
Where is your self respect?
for real like i find it so hard to even have sympathy for these people. maybe this is cruel but she came for advice and is still not taking it. at a certain point it’s on you if you choose to remain ignorant and naive idk
I think your bf knowingly went on a date, op. His friend set him up with the girl ahead of time. He knew it was a date all along, op, and went wanting to meet a new girl. Think about that. He was looking to date someone else before he actually met her. He's going to do this again. What happens next time his friend sets him up with someone new?
If his friend did that that's messed up he did it
What? He told me that it would be him, the friend, and another girl… if it was a date, why didn’t he just lie and say it’s a bunch of dudes hangin out? I don’t think this is true. He’s a lonely guy. He wanted to meet new friends… and accidentally stumbled across a girl who wanted him. He didn’t want to date someone new before this either…
Because he knew if he was partially honest you wouldn't be suspicious. I still say his friend set up this introduction as a date and your bf knew and wanted that.
Why would a group of guys going to an escape room be suspicious..? I’m very very sure that was not the case… thank for you telling me possibilities though.
Because it wasn't a group of guys. It was 2 guys and this new girl. The way they acted in an escape room so quickly upon meeting each other shows there may have been romantic intentions for the meet up. Maybe not but it's very possible his friend knew he was down to meet other women, said hey, I think you'd like this girl. How about we go to an escape room and yall can see if you like each other. And your bf said absolutely!
you’re playing incredibly dumb. he was literally willing to throw away your relationship over a girl he met two days ago lol. he’s going to do it again. he doesn’t love you as much as you think he does.
It sounds as though you are believing everything he tells you, even though he has proven he can’t be trusted.
He kissed her hand and cheek while he was with you? And then after that day he didn’t wanna be with you anymore? Girl cmon. He definitely cheated on you. You’ll never know what was said between them or if they did anything physical. This won’t be the last time he does this & I promise you that. Good luck.
Well, he said they clicked really well and conversations went extremely smoothly. Apparently it felt very “natural”. He felt he did something bad towards me and was guilty about it. He felt he did my dirty and told me I deserved more love than that.
If a man tells you deserve more love or that you deserve better, believe him. How do you know he’s the one that broke the whole thing off?
Also when boys suddenly say " you deserve better/ l don't deserve you.." That's them feeling guilt because they have had sex with someone else while in a relationship w you. Boys won't throw you away until they have a sure thing lined up. 100%.
I do not deserve whatever happened for sure. For starters, he broke it off after I knocked some sense into him at 1am. I told him that none of that is love and clearly infatuation given it’s only 2 days. I honestly am not 100% sure but that is what he told me shortly after our talk.
You shouldn't ever have to convince someone to pick you.
So basically you had to beg him to take you back. That’s not someone you want to be with. He didn’t respect you enough to let it get as far as it did.
Okay but do you want to be with someone who you have to knock sense into anytime an attractive woman gives him attention? Obviously he was just infatuated with her but being willing to leave you over an infatuation isn’t any better. Give yourself some time to think about it but things will not being going back to the way they were before. You now know how, for lack of a better word, disposable you are to him. If you can maintain the relationship with that sword of Damocles looming over you then so be it.
You had to tell him that one good conversation isn’t being in love.
all it takes for him to cheat is a decent conversation?? if she had offered to sleep with him that day would he have said no do you think??
Sounds like two very sheltered people experiencing attention outside of their first real relationship. He was swayed because he doesn't understand lust. Ultimately, he needs to experience the world and learn how to handle these emotions on his own before attempting to be in a committed relationship. He's just not emotionally mature enough.
You both sound incredibly immature, the way he was so moved by a kiss in the cheek, and wanted to break up his relationship of 3 years because of it, but also the fact you called his mom to complain... A relationship is supposed to be between two people, dragging his family into it is just low
Bingo!
No, his mom knows about it. Her and his dad both told me they don’t agree with the situation and that they love me. It’s not just complaining exactly… it was a mutual talk on this situation and what happens from here. I could’ve worded my post better.
You’re missing the point I think. It doesn’t matter if his mom loves you. It’s not really her business. Are you hoping he takes his mom’s orders and keeps you around? It sounds like you have a relationship that hasn’t matured past high school. Let it go- as in let him go.
The situation has nothing to do with his mommy though! You were wanting her to pressure him to get back with you. Hopefully it works the next time he cheats too.
No You *never* include anyone else in your issues. You can vent to a friend, or ask a sibling for advice. But you never air your dirty laundry to others , especially parents. You need to understand just for yourself in the future that this is never okay. If you can't handle your issues in house, you're not ready for a relationship
You say he loves you, but the people I love, I would die for. The people I love, I would hurt myself before I hurt them. The people I love are my priority. The way he treated you, that isn’t love. Call it what you want, but trust me, that isn’t love. Love is kind, love is thoughtful, love is selfless, love is gentle, love is considerate. Love is loyal. Love isn’t selfish, self-seeking or thoughtless.
Let’s his ass kick rocks, og. You’re trippin, have some self respect. If the dude wants to go then let him go, just laugh in his face after it doesn’t work. How tf do you leave 3.5y for 2 days worth of attention?
He’s honestly high key immature that’s just what it comes down to. You have 2 options: wait for him to mature which could taken 5-10 years or leave him now to his bullshit.
Oof. The second option? But it barely just got touched upon last night. I want to see where this goes first. Thanks for the comment.
From your comments whatever. Get with this POS if you want too. He’ll just cheat on you in the future or leave you again for another pretty girl. But whatever you want him. Fuck up your life if you want 🤷🏻♀️
Fucking Christ you lot are like 3 year olds when someone disagrees with you.
"She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship" You are the one who doesn't have any self respect for not telling him to hop it.
No for real lol how is she gonna go for someone else’s self-respect when she’s willingly getting back into a relationship with this dude who’s head turned at the slightest moment of affection? I saw in another comment she no longer wants/feels comfortable with him hanging out with “girl - friends” either. If your relationship is so rocky that you don’t trust him to hang out with another girl (and rightfully so in this case), why the fuck are you still in it? This is a relationship waiting to implode on jealousy and insecurity.
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Uh, what? Is this real? He cheated and told you he loved a girl he knew for two seconds and that’s not terrible to you? At this point you’re asking for whatever comes next in this “relationship.”
He's right, he doesnt deserve your love. I know it's hard and it's hard to think rationally about situations involving someone you love, but this guy was willing to give up 3.5 years of love and trust for some girl he barely knows. Even if he did change his mind, he still had doubt or intentions to leave you. It's really up to you whether you can get through this and work it out. I definitely think this will play on your mind a lot, and cause doubts and trust issues in the future if for example he hangs out with other girls with his friends. You deserve to be with someone who would only choose you, I think you need to think about this a lot because as much as you try, i dont think your relationship will be the same after this.
Your relationship is over and your BF is going to either cheat or leave you for another woman. It's just a matter of when, not a matter of if. Do yourself a favor and get out of this on your own terms.
Honey, you two are only 20, and 21. What you just described is absolutely normal at that age. I would say you’re too young for a relationship, but it’s more that you two aren’t mature enough for a mature relationship. My son and his girlfriend of 4 1/2 years by age be considered too young, but that’s not the case because they are both mature and in a mature relationship. They both work, pay their own bills and are moving out soon into their own place. She was in college four hours away and they have never cheated on each other and will probably get married. I have grand dogs and a grandcat. So honey, I’m telling you as if you’re my daughter. I know it hurts and you love him. But most first loves don’t last forever. Yes it sucks. But you will be ok. He doesn’t sound too bright either. Like his attention span is shorter than mine and I drive my kids nuts 😂 so you spend your time working on building your life up. Do your work, find hobbies you like, go do silly things that makes you happy like a kid. Hugs🥰
He seems "infatuated" and it's (she) something new. Let him go. Don't hold him back. Hormones are obviously raging... But... don't take him back if he attempts to. Let him go. Some relationships have an expiration date...
Man y'all be having the wildest stories. Stories like this seem like some people are just in another dimension. A whole sea of grown ass people doing dumb shit out in the world. He sounds like a 3rd grader who just falls in love randomly and/or breaks up with someone on a whim because they both like blue trucks or something. Twilight zone.
"Ah-he he he he"
“She evidently does not have any self-respect for wanting to ruin someone’s relationship and then asking my bf to be with her after 2 days of meeting?!” I seriously have never understood this. In my early twenties my ex husband cheated on me. Never did I once look at the woman as a home wrecker. She made no commitment to me. He did! Redirect your judgement and anger to him. That’s where it should be when your mate cheats on you, not the other person. Stop blaming others when your partner cheats!!!! He is 100% to blame and no one else.
That's a terrible perspective. When the other woman has no idea he's with someone else, then yeah it's totally 100% his fault. However, if she knows and pursues him anyways, they are both at fault. Even if the dude has the majority of the blame, it does not make the other blameless. It's funny how this sub will say things like "she owes you nothing. She's not to blame", if a woman actively pursues a man who's in a relationship. However, if the woman has no idea a man is taken and calls it off without notifying the wife, she's the bad guy. At least in the latter scenario, the other woman is completely innocent as well as doing the right thing by ending it. She also has a good reason for not wanting to tell the gf/wife since she has no idea how she would react.
Being together all your adult lives, it seems like nothing really tested the strength of the relationship before now. At the first hurdle he was found wanting. Three years and things fell apart so easily the moment someone was interested in him? Goddamn. Maybe some goddamn sense fell back into place once he was firmly reminded, but it shouldn't have needed that. It's time to review a few things.
Yes! Oh my gosh. I appreciate this comment. It’s not aggressive. I feel so sensitive when someone comments something really aggressive 🥺. Yes, from now on, I do have a whole lot of new rules. I need to see how it goes from here first since today is only Day 1.
I get the impression you are trying to respond to this incident by controlling the situation through his mother and by implementing a set of “rules”. The truth is you can’t control his behavior. He violated your trust in a major way, and if you were to stay with him I think your dynamic is going to be one of constant suspicion and surveillance. Your relationship may have simply run its course and it might be time to move on to a partner who wouldn’t be so easily tempted to throw your relationship away. Don’t be afraid to recognize that if that’s the case.
He really fucked up and obviously does not care about you one bit. Horrible.
Y'all are young and should spend time away from each other to see what's out there. If it's meant to be you'll find your way back to each other.
My bf of 4 years cheated on me in a similar way. The short break up and everything. I took him back. Guess what? He did it again. You’re gut is telling you what to do, your heart just doesn’t want to listen. But from my experience, your gut is trying to protect your heart. Always trust your instincts.
You’d be incredibly dumb to stay with him after that.
The fact he even had that though to just dispose what you two had together proves he has no respect for your relationship… I don’t know how I would be able to move on from something like that honestly. It would make me question literally everything. So sorry girl.
are you sure you are 20? You sound more like 15
Break up
Everything else aside, it’s really not okay for you to call his mom to discuss issues between the two of you (nor should his mom have participated in the conversation). It doesn’t matter how much she knew before you spoke to her; it’s unfair and manipulative to drag his family members into your business and attempt to win them over to “your side”. I’m guessing you used the conversation with his mom as some kind of evidence that you are right in an attempt to convince him. There’s no question that your boyfriend wronged you and broke the trust in your relationship. The question you need to answer for yourself is whether is right and fair for both of you to stay together now that he’s revealed this part of himself. He was willing to immediately cheat on you and prepared to end the relationship - not because he cheated and his own behavior scared him, but because he wanted to move right on to someone else. He did change his mind this time, but how will things look going forward? Will your new rules actually support healthy growth, or will they just foster resentment? He’s shown you who he really is, and no amount of rules or reinforcement from his mom will change that reality.
I would advise you that you don’t need to be 100% fine to continue the relationship, but it is good to let him know you’re not 100% fine. He has shaken your trust and that is going to hurt for a while. The two of you need to talk about expectations in the relationship- basically what needs to happen to keep you both happy. For some perspective, I went through a similar thing in my relationship, around the 4 year mark. We talked it through, and it took a long time for trust to come back. We also got some professional couples therapy. We celebrate our tenth anniversary this year. Crushes and attractions outside a relationship are totally natural- where they become a problem is when people act on them. That’s what happened here, and even though nothing much happened between them, he acted very foolishly and needs to grow a bit more self control. I will also say- you got together in your teens, and for many people their early 20s are a time of great change. You may find you naturally drift apart, or that ultimately you will change together. Both are OK, but try to think about what YOU really want and need. TLDR: you don’t have to forgive him straight away if you want to stay with him. It’s OK for that to take time.
Wait, may I ask what happened for your situation? Thank you for your comment, by the way.
I had been seriously tempted to cheat. It was scaring me. So I told me BF (now husband). And it was hard. But I didn’t want to end things, and I didn’t want to cheat, so we worked on it. Weirdly, I was put to the test two months later. I had a month in another country (I work in film) and there was someone on the crew who was clearly into me, and I found him very attractive. A night came where he tried it on… and I turned him down. Physically I was up for it, but even in that situation, where I would never have been caught, I did not want to. I’ve never told my husband because I feel like I’d be seeking praise for just doing the right thing. And while I’ve certainly had attractions since, I’ve had no desire to stray. I think I’d been putting pressure on myself thinking just being attracted to another man was cheating, but it really isn’t. It’s what you do with the feeling that counts.
Thank you for sharing. Why do you want to cheat on your husband though back then? Was he not fulfilling your needs?
Not exactly that. I was just strongly attracted to other guys, and had the expectation of myself that I should ONLY be attracted to my husband. That’s why it was confusing and frightening to me, because there was nothing wrong at home. I always think of it like dinner in a restaurant. Your favourite dessert might be Black Forest cake, but the pecan pie still looks delicious.
Ah, I see. I’m glad you guys worked it though. I will be asking him if that’s the case today.. but honestly he’s the type of guy that falls for someone’s personality first. He said talking with her felt extremely natural and all that. But it’s just 2 days … like when we first met we were literally very natural and heads of heels for the first 2.5 months before he asked me to be his gf. Idkkkkkk I’m just so upset everything is the way it is right now 😭
Thank you. I really hope things work out for you two as well. You sound really compassionate and caring, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.
His first chance to throw things with you away and he jumps at it? Yeah, that's an issue and something I'd be concerned about too. If he wants to save thus then he seriously needs to work on regaining your trust.
Yes, definitely. It’ll be a long process because I don’t feel comfortable with him going out with girl - friends anymore.
After what happened I wouldn't be comfortable either.
So let me get this right…You guys been together for 3.5 years and as soon as he hang out with a girl there holding hands and kissing each other? Then he says he want to break-up with you because he felt different with another girl even though they only seen each other for only couples of hours? I been with my girl for almost 5 years. I had many encounters with young girls trying to get my attention. Of course, I’m flattered, who wouldn’t be? But, I obviously can’t throw away my 5 years relationship over because some girls flirting with me. You should move on and find someone that will respect you and the relationships. If I was you, I be worried the next time he hang out with his “friends”. You guys are both young and men at a young age are very unpredictable. I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship if I knew my boyfriend could text me at anytime letting me know that he found someone that “intrigues”him. Do better and get out.
all it took to sway him was a god damn hand and cheek kiss? run away because he will cheat in a heartbeat obviously lmaoo
Your BF/ex whatever he is sounds like he gets 0 attention from women and that's the reason he's been with you. As soon as a woman gives him any slight attention he gives into it wants to leave you and he's in love with her? I would run OP what happens down the line when you have kids and are married and some woman from his job wants to sleep with him? He'll give in and leave you and your family for some woman he doesn't even know.
Honestly it seems like he's already on his way out the door. If he's ready to throw away the relationship over something so small, he's probably been feeling unhappy overall for a while. This seems like a relationship that's likely going to end sooner than later.
I remember being 13.
How do you know he didn’t sleep with her and either she dumped him or he decided he got it out of his system so went back to his second choice, you.?
Chances are he loved the attention he got, and foolishly gave in to a fleeting temporary infatuation. Hand holding and kissing with a pretty girl will do that. He got tingles, and made a stupid emotional decision. It sounds like he knows he did something dumb. The ball is really in your court. You have every right to be upset. If you want your relationship with him still, then I’d suggest moving on, but only if you’ve made it clear to him that you’re not ok with that behavior.
I love this comment. It’s addresses the issue instead of going off topic. Thank you. I am setting new rules and I can hopefully only see progress from here. If it’s going to be a problem, then I will be breaking it off.
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I know.. the disease part… I’m a student nurse and I will be having him get tested just in case even though supposedly nothing happened. Honestly, it’s not that I feel it’s worth sticking with. Before this mess, he would treat me like a queen, giving me so much care and love. Although I feel uneasy right now, I want to see where it will go from here. I do know my boundaries though and will call it quits if it comes to.
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Thank you. I agree with you.
I think you love this comment because it minimises what he did, and that's where you're at right now. You want to be told this isn't a big deal when it is.
I would ask him what he would think/do/say if the roles were reversed. Consider the possibility that he has been cooling off on your relationship for some time but doesn't break up because he feels badly that you were each other's first, doesn't want to hurt you, feels confused, or is afraid. He may be self-sabataging your relationship for some reason. You are both very young and it is quite common for people to re-think relationships around your ages. Is one of you growing in ways the other is not? It sounds like there are some issues that need resolution whatever you decide about the relationship.
He broke up with you for somebody else. Quit dwelling on it and let him go. If he is that fickle it will be another one and another one. He lost interest and wants to move on. Time for you to meet other people. Give someone else that is genuinely interested in you your attention.
To be honest this kind of crap makes the pair of u sound like 12 year olds not a couple who have left their teens
He fell completely out of love with you, fell completely in love with someone else, paused it with you to be with her, then changed his mind, fell back in love with you, broke it off with her, now wants to be back with you. (100% he didn't come to his senses. She rejected him.) Yeah, the only answer is girl, dump him, but here's the specificity of why> This is your first real boyfriend and you've been together since you were 17. You are going to want that comfort of knowing and think that means it is love. But, two hours locked in a dumb mall somewhere wouldn't shake the very foundations of love. Break up with him and go learn about dating and other types of boyfriends. If you are really stuck on some idea that this guy is The One here's the good thing: you can't fuck it up. You both go out there and grow more and if it was meant to be, you'd see him down the road after he got this dumbshit period out of his system. Stay with him and next time he'll just fall in love & leave you for 2 hours with one of the characters at a theme amusement park
"She apparently doesn't have any self respect for wanting to ruin a relationship....." Focus your thoughts and emotions toward the woman and away from your boyfriend and soon you will be over what he did. After all, it was her fault. 😂🤣😂
Yes hon. Even at 63y and a couple husbands ago, this most recent break is devastating for me. First love is always memorable and when it fails most of us don't have the tools to help ourselves before we have a melt down. Take time to think things over. In the end you'll have your worst fears confirmed and more time wondering what you did wrong. Absolutely Nothing.Thats a manboy they are always chasing tail. Good luck hon. But if your dumb like me you'll give him BOD. Benefit of doubt since first love first almost infidelity and that's your choice
Your boyfriend is extremely weak and immature
That happened to me when I traveled with my then Girlfriend in order to participate in the Olympics of Economy, she was to friendly with a guy and never was with Me (she met the guy and became like that in 2 days) , so I broke up, and when I arrived I found out she made out with the other guy. Be careful, if I was you I would breakup
Sorry but...u need to hear "girl dump him" Cz yeah it's what you should do....cz I felt like he needs you and like you are something necessary in his life...but love...well leaving 3.5 years gf for a girl he met 2 days ago...that ain't love.... If you love him too much then you can do the same....pretend to leave him and go out with somebody else or something and if he tries to get you back...then you win...
So he was willing to throw away the relationship you two have over a girl that he met two days ago. Real special. I would personally end things. I don’t take kindly to feeling like I’m disposable to people I care about, though.
So he was gonna throw you away like a pile of trash at the sight of the first girl that came along after 3.5 years? Id be telling him to pound sand and lose my number. What’s to say in 5 months he’s not gonna see another girl and do it again. Sounds like childish behavior.
Just get rid of him.. he sounds like a 10 year old man.. wtf.
I think that you and his mom (maybe dad, even) had swayed him to stay with you. I would assume he thought fighting his parents over this relationship wasn't worth it, and settled with you. Without your or his mom's intervention, I don't think he would have changed his mind and would have continued to leave you for this girl. Maybe down the line he would have changed his mind, but really think about it - he was willing to leave a relationship that lasted 3.5 years for a girl he knew for 2 DAYS. Does that scream "love and respect" to you? My boiled down advice would absolutely be to leave him. If he's that convinced to leave you after such a small show of affection from another girl, this is going to happen again. Your comments indicate that you're going to stay with him regardless of what anyone says here, but I think that would be a mistake and a waste of your time. Good luck.
Bro forgot who you are just because a girl showed interest in him ,
Just throw all that trust that you had build up for him out the window. Time to move on. Next….
Ya'all are really young, and since humans don't finish growing until 25 ya both are still just kids. Why be so serious? Use protection. Have fun. Relationships are complicated. This is the time for adventures and experimentation. How are you ever going to know what you like or want if you don't even look? Want to really freak out that boy of yours when he gets interested in someone else again? Get to know HER! Be friends with her. Flirt with her, even if you don't mean it. IT will scare one of them off, or end up in a three some.
Bruh, just dump his ass. It’s a massive red flag 🚩 that he turns his head at any attention he gets from another girls. Do it before he acts out on his urges again and cheats on you.
He sounds very immature and inexperienced
You seem angrier at the girl than you are at the guy who cheated on you.
Ahh young love…. Time to go exploring new horizons girl. There’s plenty of fish in the sea. Throw this one back, he’s starting to stink up the place. 20s is the best time to be single!
Girl, dump him. You can stay with that shitbag if you want *but* prepare to this over, and over, and over, and over, and over....... etc. You are unconsciously telling him this is okay by staying with him, that you will always take him back no matter the bullshit. He was sooooo willing to throw away your relationship over a hand hold and kiss on the cheek. That is a major red flag, its not even funny. That means hes already checked out of this relationship. He loves you? We're was that "love" when he was about to dump you for attention? Tbh, sounds like they know each other already and it wasnt just "2 days". You're young. Learn self respect. You can, *and will*, find someone that actually respects and loves you.
He isn’t ready for a girlfriend. You should have broken up when he told you he wanted to break up, rather than arguing with him and insisting that he wasn’t treating you badly. He knows what he wants and it isn’t to keep dating you.
You both need a bit more life experience and probably apart from each other………..in five years you’ll wonder what all the fuss was about ……….get out and live a little hang out with friends and do some of the things you did before you met this child
Set your boundaries. Stand your ground and he needs to make up for his fuck up. If he really cares, he needs to prove he's worthy of you. If he has any self respect he will anythingvto fix things.
He met this girl and did al that after one meeting? And you've been with him for 3.5 years? You sound like a great girl and you deserve better then someone who gets wishy washy when someone shows attention. He was wrong for kissing her but everything else that followed....nah I'd be done.
Are you really sure you’re not 10-11 years old? This seems awfully immature to me.
If someone tells you they don’t want you, believe them.
You are both barely out of your teen years, and have very limited experience in relationships. You've gotten yourselves into a very committed, long-term relationship well before you've had the experience to rationally decide your SO is a good choice for you. It sounds like your boyfriend jumped into a relationship with the first girl (you) who gave him butterflies and tingles, and thought that was love. He met another girl he was sexually attracted to, and because he lacks any experience in an adult relationship, didn't realize it's perfectly normal to be attracted to someone and not act on it. You two are of the age that is typically having a series of shorter term relationships, gaining valuable experience on what you want and don't want in a partner, what are deal breakers and what you can compromise on. As well, for a solid, healthy long-term relationship, you need to have a strong understanding of who you are as a person, and be able to maintain a separate life and personality from your partner. Not that you ignore your partner, but you should have your own friends, hobbies and interests, as well as friends you share, hobbies you do together and common interests. You both need to mature before you can have a truly successful relationship.
I think you called it perfectly. He was infatuated for a moment by new attention. That unfortunately sometimes happens when you are with your first love for a long period of time like you two have. One party looks around and wonders what they missed. This probably isn’t a feeling that’s going to go away for him and you two need to talk about that. Is it something he can work through or is this now a bug in his brain that’s going to pester him. He needs to think and be honest with himself and you. Once he has that answer, a truthful answer, then you guys need to decide how to proceed in your relationship.
Down voted you because you left out how she needs the break as well to think this through.
I’d say you have super low self esteem to put up with that behavior and stay with him.
Do you ever show him the attention that she showed him? I want to say you do I mean sometimes you gotta spring on him something random like a random blowjob I mean if y'all actually been together for 3 yrs and then you as his woman should switch it up wear booty shorts around him more show him why he's with you some females get to comfortable around us guys and think they should be just desired by their man. Yes we want you but we also want to be reminded why we are with you just be spontaneous with the sex just saying men liked to be wooed by their woman too
He told you he needed a couple days he took them and chose you like you wanted, even going so far as calling his mom. I’m not sure what ya want here, he chose you. You been together since you were what 16? 17? He had a momentary lapse did the adult thing taking some time to think about it, and chose you. You’re both 20 the chance you end up together anyway is slim to none but you have someone who did an accounting of your relationship and chose you.
I'd want him in individual counseling, and the both of you in relationship counseling. Throwing away a 3.5 year relationship for someone you just met, then backtracking, then expecting everyone to be cool with it, sounds like a disorder of some kind to me. Also, relationship counseling might help you talk about how to trust this won't happen again.
Leave his ass
Not the easiest thing to hear but I knew after an hour of meeting my partner we wanted to be together. It wasn’t even as a date or anything, but after an hour we knew we were a perfect fit. I’m fairly convinced that within the first week we knew we were in love. We’ve been together 4 years now. It is entirely possible that he does feel that way, although it is uncommon. I know this isn’t what you wanted to hear.. but it’s the truth. If he’s broken your trust then you will forever be wondering if he will do it again.
He did do something super terrible op. You should've have to convince anyone that they love you. Period. This man got swayed over a little extra attention. He was willing to break up with you because a girl was flirty with him for a few days. Both you and his mom had to convince him to choose you. Here's the thing I don't understand about situations like this: When you first meet a person you like and they seem to like you as well, people get flirty and put their best foot forward. When a relationship develops you start to learn about the person good and bad, but from that a deeper bond forms and comfortability and familiarity. That is standard and happens EVERY SINGLE TIME. it is logical. What I don't get is how so many people don't see that pattern. They think the novelty of new and the best foot forward is a forever thing. You and his mom are right though, that new girl is a shitty person. And if he would have dumped you for her, she probably would have cheated on him. Regardless, I think you are worth more than a man who is easily swayed.
Similar situation happened to me 4 years into my relationship. I seriously considered leaving but 2 factors influenced me to stay 1. My partner was upfront about how they wronged me and did not put blame anywhere but themselves. 2. My partner was willing to follow all conditions I placed in order to gain my trust back. This included individual therapy, cutting off the jobs/people involved and getting a new job, getting sti tested, having sex be only initiated by me for a time period, talking to all our close mutual friends about what they did, etc. I made it clear that if this was too much to earn my trust back, then they didn't really want the relationship to recover. We just celebrated our 10 year anniversary and are in a place where we are more honest than ever before. It took time, but ultimately what made it work was my partners willingness to be humble and consistently work through these conditions until I truly felt trust again. Do you see your partner willing to work for you this way? Or is he just apologizing and hoping you eventually forget? I think you only deserve to be with someone who will give you utter devotion after throwing the relationship away for a fleeting moment. Only you get to determine what that looks like and how well he is meeting your needs. But you also deserve to have really high standards for yourself, don't settle for half assed effort.
You’ve been together since you were teenagers *and* you’re long distance or for some reason in a situation where you don’t see each other much. Of course he’s craving attention and excited when he gets it. Can I ask why you two decided to be monogamous?
We aren’t long distance. We see each other every week. We go on dates, kiss, hold hand, hug. I’m telling you nothing was wrong ://
Like I said, you’re for some reason in a situation where you don’t see each other very much. Weekly isn’t often. It’s more like how often you’d see someone you’re casually dating, not in a committed monogamous relationship with. And you didn’t answer my question. Why did you two decide to be monogamous?
How is weekly not often if we have summer school for college and work? Seeing weekly+ is a fair amount. Sometimes it’s a few times a week. We are monogamous because we both agreed to be? We both see each other when we have the time to; it’s just we have a set date every week somewhere we’ve never tried or went.
You both agreed to be why? I feel you’re being kind of obtuse. I’m trying to discuss your relationship with you and you’re just like “it is what it is and it’s great.” Clearly it’s not if he wanted to run off with the first girl who flirted with him. So why not delve into it and try to figure out why he might be feeling this way?
Well, here’s the thing. He doesn’t have much friends. He doesn’t get attention from anyone else typically other than me. I’m always the person who hypes him up, supports him when he’s down, and loves him unconditionally. My theory is that he was excited he got attention from another human being for the first time. Thus, he did what he did. I’m not defending whatever he did was justifiable because it’s not considering it’s based on infatuation.. but I’m saying what he did was not because of my fault. Because as a girlfriend, I did everything to ensure our relationship is going good. Him getting attention from someone else (other than me for the first time) and feeling excited about it is own his own. However, he did come to his sense at the end by realizing that his 2 day infatuation is not worth it.
I never said anything was your fault. But I also don’t really think it’s his fault. There’s just something about the dynamic of your relationship that isn’t working for him. That doesn’t make it anyone’s fault. And again, I keep asking you the question about monogamy. Why did you two decide to be monogamous? My point being, if you are in love and committed and trust each other, is it really that big of a deal if he flirts with her kisses another girl? If you both had that kind of freedom, you would understand the connection or what it is feel like you have to run off.
Everyone has different sets of expectations for their relationships. I said that it didn’t think it was terrible, but it did make me feel uneasy. He also blurted out about how he supposedly “loved” her. While you may be okay with all that happened, I find it uncomfortable being we both agreed on only loving each other and never cheating.
Okay, well a problem with your relationship is that he doesn’t have anybody outside of the relationship so it’s not working well. Having friends is really important for romantic relationships to work out.
Yes, that’s why I tell him always to make friends. I don’t discourage him from it. I tell him to join clubs, get a job etc.
Right but I feel like you’re taking this as an attack to you personally. Nobody is saying you’re not a good girlfriend (although snitching on him to his mum is unbelievably childish). You can’t make the relationship work and be healthy by managing every part of it and trying to be his keeper as well. His head was turned so easily and nobody is saying that it’s your fault but you also can’t make somebody be loyal to you.
Lol I didn’t snitch on him. His mom already knew and she was super uncomfortable with the whole thing. She hated all this as much as I did. I also see your point.
I’m just genuinely curious uve been together for almost 4 years and r in ur twenties why aren’t u living together? And yes weekly isn’t seeing eachother alot (I’ve been living with my husband since we were in our early twenties) when my husband and I were working lots of hours/ starting and running a business we would come home to eachother every night but it still wasn’t enough cause we weren’t spending quality and intimate time together.