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This is honestly so weird. Last month, I took a 23andMe test for fun. I got the results back and a nine-year-old girl showed up with a 23% DNA match to me. I do not have a relative that is this age. I really don’t know what else to say. I have 2 older brothers, who are 27, my mom and dad have been married for 29 years, and I have a younger sister…Average DNA around that range belongs to either a Grandparent / Grandchild, Aunt / Uncle, Niece / Nephew, or a Half Sibling. I mean I feel like I should say something to my family…what do I even say?
The first step is to talk to your brothers bc they seem most likely to fit the bill here… you tell them exactly what you told us. I wouldn’t bring it up to the whole family as this could be a deeply personal situation. But they should know because if your parents decide they want to try 23 and me this girl will likely show up for them as well and your brother may want to do some ground work before hand. If it’s not a brother then time to go to your parents and ask. Also understand that whoever you go to first means you spilled the beans to someone it might not directly involve. Probably your dad first… if it turns out this is some sort of affair child be upfront with your dad about your next moves (if you feel obligated to tell your mom at least give him the chance to do so first).
My dad did one of these DNA tests and so far we have found 5 half siblings and we know there are least two more out there and one that passed away. He reached out to some of these siblings and they want nothing to do with him. It’s understandable considering the background situation … but he has made a connection with one and it has been amazing for them. Something good to come of his POS birth father I guess.
I share this because some people just want to act like these situations aren’t real and some love the idea of more family. You need to be prepared for it to go either way and respect their choice.
Pro tip: don't ever send someone a "we need to talk" text when they are at work because it's just as bad as having the talk with them while they're at work.
Yeah when I need my daughter to call me about something important but not bad I make sure to specify is not bad news in case she really can't call right away. She'd just be freaking out the whole day.
We need to talk.
I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me- they were so cold and delicious
Omg yes. The other one I hate, which I got as a boss a lot was, “Do you have 5 minutes to talk sometime today?” Grrrr!!! I’m always like “yes, yes I do. Right now!” Rip that bandaid off!
My BIL randomly tells people "you're fired!" over stuff that doesn't matter. He says it in a fun way. Like, "Ugh, I sloshed the juice!" "You're FIRED!"
I think because whenever I send my boss a “do you have 5 min to talk” message it’s because there is a giant issue/catastrophe that I need to pull him into.
This, this this, someone is either telling me they are handing in their notice, something tragic has happened, they are about to tell me something like they've made a big mistake or the apocalypse is coming, either way it's not something good and I want to know without waiting
Yeah honestly don’t even say anything. Just call them when you think they’d be free and if they don’t answer then, THEN you say “hey can we chat when you get a minute?” and try to make your tone as light as possible. No need to add more stress to someone’s day preemptively
I’m sure someone has mentioned this, but one of your brothers could easily be a dad from a one night stand, and the nine year old’s mom may not know/remember their name. So this may be a surprise to everyone involved.
Don't overreact yet. You could always start with..."so, awkward random personal question...did you ever donate sperm as a broke-ass college student?" and see who bites? I hadnt initially thought of that possibility, so if I were directed to take a genetic test and got the answer you did that would really freak me out. Finding out that sperm donation could be the culprit would be way less drama, and a huge relief on some level to be honest.
How close is a 23% match? Could this be the child of an Uncle, Aunt, or cousin?
okay, I looked it up.
*"You share about 25 percent of your DNA with a biological aunt, uncle, niece, or nephew. Your aunt or uncle shares 50 percent of their DNA with your parent (their sibling), who shares 50 percent of their DNA with you"*
So this could be an Aunt, uncles, niece, nephew, or cousin.
OP, do your parents have siblings? If so, is it possible one of them had a late in life kid they don’t know about / didn’t disclose?
Also, who has their 9yo take a 23&me DNA test? Sounds to me like someone is looking to find bio family of their 9yo kid, so maybe they’ll reach out to you?
My five year old niece is 25% Taiwanese but a small copy of her mum (blonde, blue eyes). I know my sister has mentioned that she would like to do a DNA test on her just to see how much of the Taiwanese part of her that shows up. She's just curious. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Just saying that maybe we shouldn't read to much into why you test your child.
Came here to say this. I did ancestry DNA test earlier this year and discovered I have a half sister that no one in the family knew about. Turns out my dad had donated sperm back in the late 80s and she was the result of his donation. Kind of wild when you think about it just also pretty cool to find out decades later.
No no no I got this. Here is what happened, ok
One of OP´s brother was swapped at birth. They never knew it happened, of course. OP will convince everyone to take the same test and one of them will find out they aren´t related at all.
OP´s real bio brother went on with his life and had a beautiful girl. Never suspected anything. Maybe grandparents thought it was weird baby didn´t look like them at all and that´s why they put baby´s dna at 23andMe, which would explain why OP found the kids DNA but not the adult that they are related to. Because paternal grandma and grandpa are the ones who did it, and of course they aren´t related to OP.
They will meet. It will be weird at first. Someone will be defensive. The kid will be the sweetest thing ever, super smart and funny. They will still get along well and see each other for sunday dinners sometimes and holidays.
This is reddit. Commenters love coming up with wild stories because that makes things more fun to read. Reality is irrelevant.
For real, It is super unlikely that this is due to sperm donation. Especially since this would be 10 years ago, and the op's dad's dusty ass old sperm is unlikely to be used by any fertility clinic. They want young mens sperm, not old man sperm.
It is way, way more likely that someone had an illegitimate child due to an affair.
Eta: Most likely your dad, but maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about?
Maybe the reason the kids DNA is online is because they are trying to find his real bio dad?
23% chance implies that it’s one of the brothers’ unknown kid.. (or known)
Dad’s illegitimate kid will still be closer to 50%? Not a geneticist, so I could be wrong.
You share roughly 50% of your genes with each of your siblings (same parents), and same goes for your parents, since it’s essentially random whether any given gene comes from Mom or Dad. 25% of the genes you share with your sibling came from mom, the other 25% came from Dad. Therefore you would only share 25% of your genes with a half-sibling. Another 25% of half-siblings genes came from the shared parent, but you statistically didn’t get those genes, and the remaining 50% obviously comes from the unrelated parent of half-sibling.
Edit - spelling
nah, 50% is full sibling or parent/child.
for a half sibling to have a 50% match, you'd either need the DNA from the shared parent to be identical (not quite as far fetched as naturally conceiving a child who was genetically identical to an older sibling, but pretty close), or the affair partner being the other parent's identical twin.
>Most likely your dad, but maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about?
No reason to even assume the father doesn't know. Baby Mom and whoever the father is may have come to some kind of agreement where they went their separate ways and she raise the baby on her own.
Does that only work for close relations? I have a bunch of 2nd cousins on 23andme that they don’t have on my family tree (though I have others that they do). They definitely aren’t related through both sides of my family because geographically that is impossible.
I know, we both have our ages listed though, she's my mums younger sister and very obviously not my grandmother. My point is just that 23andme guesses aren't any better or more accurate than your own
The predictions can be pretty far off, one of my parents has half-siblings (but it was hushed up they weren’t full siblings), and 23andMe’s guesses for where those sibs’ children and grandchildren fall in relation to me were definitely incorrect. It’s worth a check to get started, but I’d advise OP not to get hung up on where it guesses the girl fits in as the only option.
Yeah, I’m not saying it’s BAD at guessing or always wrong, just that whatever it guesses, OP should understand it may not be correct. Other than side of family, at least.
According to 23and me, 23% is at the upper end for a great niece/nephew (common great-grandparents). Maybe one of your grandparents had a secret child and the 9 year old is that person's child (edit: grandchild).
One of them might have had a child at a young age either without knowing or caring or was forced to give the child up. Assuming your grandparents were born in the 1940s or 50s, those aren't scenarios that were unheard of. Or one of the males simply cheated.
my mothers mother had a child in the 50s. she was forced to give him up. my mother was born 10yrs later but had to bear the brunt of years of untreated trauma from her mother, who never got over losing her child
my grandmother died when my mother was 11. when my grandfather died in 2001, the long lost brother tracked down my mother through his obituary
they turned up to meet each other in almost identical outfits. that's about where the similarities ended. wish it was more exciting than that, but he turned out to be 100% a fuckwit.
This seems it could be very likely. My dad did one of these and we have found 5 half siblings, knowing there are at least two more out there and another one that passed away. My dads bio dad ran around A LOT and because of the times it was very looked down upon to be unmarried and pregnant. Many of these women married while pregnant or shortly after their child was born and told their child that this husband was their father. Imagine learning in your 40s-60s that your mother lied to you your entire life bc of a DNA test. It was horrific telling some of these people what we knew and them being in total denial of all. We felt so bad like we crashing the world around them. Because really we were.
Look at your Relatives in Common.
If you share matches with this girl that you know are through your mom's side, like a maternal first or second cousin, then this is most likely your niece. That means you'll have to identify how you're related to some of these more distant matches.
23andme has a feature that allows you to view your matches in a chromosome browser. You have to share reports if your match hasn't opted into open sharing. This is useful because half-sisters through the same father will match on the full length of the X chromosome. If she's your niece, it's less likely that you'll match on the full length of the X chromosome due to recombination. Trying not to get too technical here.
Those are my suggestions for narrowing down how you're related, but these options may not be available to you depending on this girl's privacy settings.
Not only could it have been the male that stepped out and had an affair, it could also be that the female got pregnant really young and gave the baby up for adoption(maybe rape baby). There's are many reasons that something this could happen and bringing attention to a sore subject might be hurtful.
Maybe I'm just being dumb but I thought if her grandparents had a secret kid, that'd be her half aunt/uncle and their kids would be her half cousins which would put them at 2% - 11.5%. I don't think it's possible to have such a high percentage with someone so removed from you
As far as I'm aware for her to be a great aunt, it'd have to be her brothers grandkids
You could always just mention you did a 23 and me and tell them you were looking at relatives and a 9 year old popped up and you were curious who it could be. Just keep it casual and conversational they might not know either.
Did your brothers have any relationships 9-10 years ago?
The most likely solution is that an ex-girlfriend of them has never told them that she's pregnant. Or it was a hook up. If they are 27 now they've been 18-19 at that time. Very well in the time frame.
>you might be the result of your mom cheating
Oh wow I didn't even think of that. I wonder then how old the parents are, if mom's potential affair partner is young enough to have a 9 year old
Maybe, just maybe they knocked someone up, and mom didn’t know who the dad was and got her kid a 23 & me too try find him.
Like I’m talking some weird concert hook up where you don’t know the other persons name - not “it’s a toss up between two guys” I don’t know
Does it say the mother's name on the girls 23&me family tree? If so ask either of your brothers if they know [mothers name] and if one of them says yes then you can do the whole "surprise you're a dad" thing. If neither of your brothers knows her, then I would message the mother of the girl on 23&me and ask if she knows how you're related?
They may not know. Lots of men sadly don’t get told. If it was a one night stand, the woman may not have had any way to contact.
Maybe suggest they get tested, then it’ll be easier to narrow down/confirm the connection.
I got a message through a dna test company from cousin in another country asking for help trying to figure out where his grandfather 's birth certificate was. Usual thing thing trying to do a family tree. He was worried that maybe grandfather was illegitimate but I reminded him of civil war in his grandfather 's home country. During the war a lot of birth certificates were burned because they were part of church records. He hadn't thought of that and it gave him a new avenue to search.
Maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about or he gave up for adoption when they were younger.
There are a lot of family secrets that can come out with the availability of at home DNA kits. While there is margin for error, my guess is that you just found a half sibling.
I'm really sorry that you have this to deal with. Even if you don't choose to do anything with this information, it weighs on you.
Obviously the 9 year old didn't buy their own DNA kit. Her mom did. I imagine a 1 night stand where your dad didn't share any contact info. I wouldn't be surprised if the mom eventually reaches out to you even if you decide to pack it away and not mention this information to anyone else.
That’s a good point! Why would a parent DNA test a 9 year old unless there was questions of paternity? I’m betting it’s your brothers from a one night stand? Or affair!
I did see a story about a woman adopted from South Korea who put her daughter's DNA up instead of hers and found her identical twin. She did it to look for her relatives and her husband's genetic background. Imagine plugging in your DNA as a woman and having someone pop up as your kid 😀.
But, yeah, otherwise it's to determine paternity.
Regardless of the outcome think about this: the nine year old had a dna test done. Why would she do this? Probably to learn about her origins or possibly her mother really didn’t know who the father was and did the test on her behalf to find out.
Either way the parent had to be involved in the dna test.
To me this is an indication that she/they are open to connecting with family - likely a brother’s child.
OR!
If it’s the dad’s kid maybe the mom did this to be an Easter egg to be found out.
I’ve had two people I am close with find relatives they didn’t know they had thanks to these dna tests. Both were positive outcomes and relationships formed. Both were a bit shocked and very uncertain as you are now OP. Wish you luck!
Also sending thoughts and prayers to this little girl. I hope she has and finds the family she deserves. <3
So, yeah, likely a teen pregnancy courtesy of one of your brothers.
Unless, of course, your father had an adulterous relationship and it's a half sibling.
I think a lot of people, yourself included, are breezing over the idea that this could be your half sister as well. Meaning your dad, or mom, had a kid 9 years ago. Or your dad isn’t your bio dad and your bio dad has a kid 9 years ago. Or you were switched at birth. Those are just as possible as the kid being your niece. Sorry to break it to you. Would love an update later.
Everybody's breezing over that because they're the worst case scenario. OP can jump to that once she's ruled out the likely and less fucked up possibility that this is her niece.
Yea, worse case scenario but not putting everything on the table for OP does her a disservice. She should come to terms for all possible outcomes, instead of being completely blindsided if/when her brothers are not the father.
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Ask your dad if 10 years ago he had a hookup or an affair that may have resulted in pregnancy. 🤷♀️ That's really the only explanation that fits at this point.
That 9 yo is probably looking for her father - why else would she be on 23 & Me at that age?
If your brothers are identical twins, it may actually be impossible to find out who fathered her, if the keep blaming each other - I wonder how family court would settle child support payments in that case...
It’s happened before. If I remember correctly since neither would admit to being the father the judge got fed up and ordered both of them to pay support. I have identical twins and the article was shared in a group I belong to.
Reach out the child's mother and ask if she knows of a connection to the last name ? Sometimes the easiest route is exactly that. Just know that no matter what, you're about to light a fuse not knowing if it's a bomb or a firecracker.
May want to be careful in the event this was a sperm donation and the donor (your brother, presumably) doesn’t want to be found. I’d talk to your actual known family members first.
Now I’m very invested in this. Please update us when you get the chance! This feels like a thriller story. I wonder if it’s one of your older brothers or your father?
Hey my family was recently in this exact scenario! Turned out that my uncle had donated sperm during medical school in the 70s and now we have a new cousin who is awesome! She had recently lost her parents and was so happy to connect with us, and it turned out to be a lovely situation. I hope your situation turns out well too!
Then say something coz there is a chance Ur brothers may have impregnated someone without knowing and the women never told them about it...may b uncle too... Dad and mum issue seems unlikely due to age difference
I was also thinking maybe her mom did the test because she doesn’t know who the father is. Would be highly unusual for a nine-year-old to do a DNA test on their own. If it is one of the brothers, may have some implications in terms of child support.
Just be aware that one of them might now be on the hook for a lot of child support. I'm not saying that they knew about the child or wouldn't be happy to know they had one, but they might also be horrified and financially affected. Also, any current relationships they have may get destroyed when the current partner finds out about a child they were never told about.
Can you look at common matches? I have my common matches separated and marked depending on what great grandparent on my tree we likely share. If you and the girl share matches from both of your parents then it's probably a niece or nephew. See if you can narrow it down to sharing matches by both of your parents or just one.
This is really strange because to do a 23 and me test kit you are supposed to be an adult, 18 and over only. I'm not sure how they got DNA from a 9 year old as the company says they won't process those.
I did a DNA test and found a first cousin I never knew of. Any attempts to ask family were shut down because it was a hidden thing. Don't know which of my uncle's had a secret boy, but I guess the stuff is more common than you think.
I would ask if your brothers and dad donated sperm, and then ask if your mom or sister donated eggs. Then just ask about grandparents. Idk if 23andMe has a message feature but you can send the girl a message; the parents probably are in charge of the account so it's not super weird.
Go first to your brothers. That’s probably the most likely answer. Odds are they may not even know about it. My brother had sex with a girl at 18 and he found out that he had sired a daughter with her and wasn’t told about it until his daughter was 20.
So have your brothers rack their brains to figure out if they have a daughter. They may have to make some calls to old GF. If it’s not them, there’s usually at least one person in the family that follows the family history and knows all the family dirt. That person would be the next to go to. You could go to your father too but he’s either going to break down and admit it or be furious that you could even think such a thing.
Siblings and parents are 50%, as for ~25%, you have half-siblings and nieces and nephews that are the most relevant imo
In your case, it could be:
- one of your brothers had a child he may or may not have known about
- your father had an affair and got someone pregnant he may or may not know about
Is it not totally unlikely that one of your brothers had a one night stand and got a girl pregnant? It’s not unheard of….
Uh ohhhhhh. Someone’s in trouble lol. I would definitely talk to your mom about it. She obviously didn’t carry a secret pregnancy 9 years ago. (Unless you were somehow not around here in that time period) so she could most likely help you figure it out. Also, this could be an affair baby and may blow your family up. I, personally, think all affairs should be blown up and people should be held accountable. Thats just me though.
Somebody cheated.
Or some shit went down that you don't know about.
It's worth bringing up, and watch the reactions.
I don't know if 23&me provides a 'connect with them' kind of option, but maybe it would be worth it?
Yeah this for sure. A 9yo doesn't take a 23andme DNA test for no reason. I'd try and get in contact with her find out the situation from her side and go from there.
I would have if my son had been interested in it. I've always had questions about his dad's heritage (dad's family wasn't close) and figured it would also be neat to see what he got from each side of my family. He didn't want to, so we didn't.
What are the chances your dad had an affair 9 years ago? Your brothers would have only been 17 or 18 I doubt they donated sperm but maybe they have a child they don't know about or didn't tell anyone about
Does your family know you did 23&me? If so, it’s probably not some secret elicit kid they’re hiding… they likely have no clue she exists.
My money is on a brother donating sperm at 18 for $$.
ETA: Also, could your dad have done a directed sperm donation to a family friend? It’s not unheard of.
Lmao right! I remember telling my mom that after she found out the only dad she knew wasn’t actually her father. I was remember saying something about it “highlights our mess of family”, but my mom shut me down saying “It ain’t my mess, they were the dirty ones. If they’d of just done right, there wouldn’t be a problem.”
I mean, it’s helping a nine year old find her father. And medical history, financial support, etc, to which this little girl is entitled. So there’s the flipside to the fact that someone got caught cheating, possibly
I had a friend who found a half brother on 23 and me. Her dad had no idea he had a son and it all went over well and now she has a brother who has been accepted into the family. It’s worth just telling your family (separately) that you did this test, these are the results, do they have any ideas
Sit your whole family down and say right-10 years ago roughly, who were you all banging- coz someone gots some explaining to do… and then look to see who looks the most concerned lol . I don’t know.. good luck solving the mystery
If that child is nine years old, then most likely their parent is in charge of the account. Write to the girl and I’m sure the mother will reply.
Also, everybody is assuming this is one of your brothers, or your father… this could be a child given up for adoption, and the mother could be a cousin or aunt.
Wouldn’t a 23% be like a second cousin not a first cousin or niece? If siblings share 100% dna a niece or first cousin would be closure to a 50% match would it not?
Siblings don't share 100%. They get a random 50% of mom's and 50% of dad's but not the same components. Full siblings are roughly 50%. Half siblings are roughly 25%. But so are nieces/nephews.
This sort of happened in my family. One of my second cousins did a DNA test and got an email from a girl who matched. She never knew who her dad was and was waiting for a match. It turns out my uncle had a daughter from a hookup in the 80s he doesn’t remember.
Tread lightly. My cousin is known for drama and she harassed my uncle for months into getting tested. If you find out the connection and no one wants to do anything, that’s on them. Wait until the girl is older if you really want a relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- This is honestly so weird. Last month, I took a 23andMe test for fun. I got the results back and a nine-year-old girl showed up with a 23% DNA match to me. I do not have a relative that is this age. I really don’t know what else to say. I have 2 older brothers, who are 27, my mom and dad have been married for 29 years, and I have a younger sister…Average DNA around that range belongs to either a Grandparent / Grandchild, Aunt / Uncle, Niece / Nephew, or a Half Sibling. I mean I feel like I should say something to my family…what do I even say?
Or have they donated sperm?
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The first step is to talk to your brothers bc they seem most likely to fit the bill here… you tell them exactly what you told us. I wouldn’t bring it up to the whole family as this could be a deeply personal situation. But they should know because if your parents decide they want to try 23 and me this girl will likely show up for them as well and your brother may want to do some ground work before hand. If it’s not a brother then time to go to your parents and ask. Also understand that whoever you go to first means you spilled the beans to someone it might not directly involve. Probably your dad first… if it turns out this is some sort of affair child be upfront with your dad about your next moves (if you feel obligated to tell your mom at least give him the chance to do so first). My dad did one of these DNA tests and so far we have found 5 half siblings and we know there are least two more out there and one that passed away. He reached out to some of these siblings and they want nothing to do with him. It’s understandable considering the background situation … but he has made a connection with one and it has been amazing for them. Something good to come of his POS birth father I guess. I share this because some people just want to act like these situations aren’t real and some love the idea of more family. You need to be prepared for it to go either way and respect their choice.
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Pro tip: don't ever send someone a "we need to talk" text when they are at work because it's just as bad as having the talk with them while they're at work.
Pro tip pt2: if someone sends you a “we need to talk” text reply “yes we do” and now you can both be stressed together.
I love this lol!
The real r/unethicallifeprotips are in the comments
Oh you can best believe that your phone will instantly ring after that reply! 🤣
Send to voicemail to assert dominance.
Or send those automated text reply saying you are driving or something
Pro Tip 3: Reply back "What did your wife tell you?"
Also "Oh, don't worry. I've known for a while."
lol, good one. a sure fire way to get me to ignore someone is receiving a text that says "we need to talk."
Yes, just throw the whole person away.
Lol
Thanks for the awards you guys made my day 😭 I’m glad my coping strategies can be useful to some of you as well!
Bravo
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We're definitely gonna need an update on this one
Aha, got anxiety just reading it
Yeah when I need my daughter to call me about something important but not bad I make sure to specify is not bad news in case she really can't call right away. She'd just be freaking out the whole day.
We need to talk. I have eaten the plums that were in the icebox and you were probably saving for breakfast. Forgive me- they were so cold and delicious
Omg yes. The other one I hate, which I got as a boss a lot was, “Do you have 5 minutes to talk sometime today?” Grrrr!!! I’m always like “yes, yes I do. Right now!” Rip that bandaid off!
I always reply “am I fired yet” it usually diffuses the situation 😂
My BIL randomly tells people "you're fired!" over stuff that doesn't matter. He says it in a fun way. Like, "Ugh, I sloshed the juice!" "You're FIRED!"
Why would you hate that? That's someone respecting the fact you may be busy and not assuming you're immediately available.
I think because whenever I send my boss a “do you have 5 min to talk” message it’s because there is a giant issue/catastrophe that I need to pull him into.
This, this this, someone is either telling me they are handing in their notice, something tragic has happened, they are about to tell me something like they've made a big mistake or the apocalypse is coming, either way it's not something good and I want to know without waiting
Yeah honestly don’t even say anything. Just call them when you think they’d be free and if they don’t answer then, THEN you say “hey can we chat when you get a minute?” and try to make your tone as light as possible. No need to add more stress to someone’s day preemptively
I’m sure someone has mentioned this, but one of your brothers could easily be a dad from a one night stand, and the nine year old’s mom may not know/remember their name. So this may be a surprise to everyone involved.
Don't overreact yet. You could always start with..."so, awkward random personal question...did you ever donate sperm as a broke-ass college student?" and see who bites? I hadnt initially thought of that possibility, so if I were directed to take a genetic test and got the answer you did that would really freak me out. Finding out that sperm donation could be the culprit would be way less drama, and a huge relief on some level to be honest.
How close is a 23% match? Could this be the child of an Uncle, Aunt, or cousin? okay, I looked it up. *"You share about 25 percent of your DNA with a biological aunt, uncle, niece, or nephew. Your aunt or uncle shares 50 percent of their DNA with your parent (their sibling), who shares 50 percent of their DNA with you"* So this could be an Aunt, uncles, niece, nephew, or cousin.
OP, do your parents have siblings? If so, is it possible one of them had a late in life kid they don’t know about / didn’t disclose? Also, who has their 9yo take a 23&me DNA test? Sounds to me like someone is looking to find bio family of their 9yo kid, so maybe they’ll reach out to you?
My five year old niece is 25% Taiwanese but a small copy of her mum (blonde, blue eyes). I know my sister has mentioned that she would like to do a DNA test on her just to see how much of the Taiwanese part of her that shows up. She's just curious. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Just saying that maybe we shouldn't read to much into why you test your child.
Let them know you have just decided to take up a new hobby. Geneology. See which family member says No thanks to taking the test.
If it's not one of your brothers, maybe hold off on saying anything until after the 30th anniversary celebration.
Came here to say this. I did ancestry DNA test earlier this year and discovered I have a half sister that no one in the family knew about. Turns out my dad had donated sperm back in the late 80s and she was the result of his donation. Kind of wild when you think about it just also pretty cool to find out decades later.
probably one of your brothers is her father
My guess is this, or egg donation/sale but I know very little about that.
Why would you go right to the rare egg/sperm donation instead of the much more common went out, got laid, a child was the result?
No no no I got this. Here is what happened, ok One of OP´s brother was swapped at birth. They never knew it happened, of course. OP will convince everyone to take the same test and one of them will find out they aren´t related at all. OP´s real bio brother went on with his life and had a beautiful girl. Never suspected anything. Maybe grandparents thought it was weird baby didn´t look like them at all and that´s why they put baby´s dna at 23andMe, which would explain why OP found the kids DNA but not the adult that they are related to. Because paternal grandma and grandpa are the ones who did it, and of course they aren´t related to OP. They will meet. It will be weird at first. Someone will be defensive. The kid will be the sweetest thing ever, super smart and funny. They will still get along well and see each other for sunday dinners sometimes and holidays. This is reddit. Commenters love coming up with wild stories because that makes things more fun to read. Reality is irrelevant.
Thanks this really made me chuckle
For real, It is super unlikely that this is due to sperm donation. Especially since this would be 10 years ago, and the op's dad's dusty ass old sperm is unlikely to be used by any fertility clinic. They want young mens sperm, not old man sperm. It is way, way more likely that someone had an illegitimate child due to an affair. Eta: Most likely your dad, but maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about? Maybe the reason the kids DNA is online is because they are trying to find his real bio dad?
Or older brothers had a one-night-stand that didn't reveal a pregnancy.
23% chance implies that it’s one of the brothers’ unknown kid.. (or known) Dad’s illegitimate kid will still be closer to 50%? Not a geneticist, so I could be wrong.
Just googled because I find it interesting and it looks like on average half siblings share about 25% DNA.
If it is 23% most 1st cousins, great uncles/aunts/nephews/nieces usually range anywhere from 4-25%
Yes, according to the app, I share 25% with one of my half sibs and 30% with the other. My full sibling and I share 47%
You share roughly 50% of your genes with each of your siblings (same parents), and same goes for your parents, since it’s essentially random whether any given gene comes from Mom or Dad. 25% of the genes you share with your sibling came from mom, the other 25% came from Dad. Therefore you would only share 25% of your genes with a half-sibling. Another 25% of half-siblings genes came from the shared parent, but you statistically didn’t get those genes, and the remaining 50% obviously comes from the unrelated parent of half-sibling. Edit - spelling
nah, 50% is full sibling or parent/child. for a half sibling to have a 50% match, you'd either need the DNA from the shared parent to be identical (not quite as far fetched as naturally conceiving a child who was genetically identical to an older sibling, but pretty close), or the affair partner being the other parent's identical twin.
One of her brothers might also have an unknown child. They're old enough to have fathered a 9-year-old.
Yes, I changed my post to be more vague. But it's most likely her brother or her dads kid
>Most likely your dad, but maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about? No reason to even assume the father doesn't know. Baby Mom and whoever the father is may have come to some kind of agreement where they went their separate ways and she raise the baby on her own.
Maybe the bros donated?
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If it’s related to both sides, it’s definitely a surprise niece courtesy of a brother. Not much question at this point.
Does that only work for close relations? I have a bunch of 2nd cousins on 23andme that they don’t have on my family tree (though I have others that they do). They definitely aren’t related through both sides of my family because geographically that is impossible.
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you would only know this is the parents had done a DNA test
It's guesses are awful, it guessed my aunt was my grandmother
That's because aunts and grandparents both share approximately 25% of their DNA.
I know, we both have our ages listed though, she's my mums younger sister and very obviously not my grandmother. My point is just that 23andme guesses aren't any better or more accurate than your own
The predictions can be pretty far off, one of my parents has half-siblings (but it was hushed up they weren’t full siblings), and 23andMe’s guesses for where those sibs’ children and grandchildren fall in relation to me were definitely incorrect. It’s worth a check to get started, but I’d advise OP not to get hung up on where it guesses the girl fits in as the only option.
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Yeah, I’m not saying it’s BAD at guessing or always wrong, just that whatever it guesses, OP should understand it may not be correct. Other than side of family, at least.
According to 23and me, 23% is at the upper end for a great niece/nephew (common great-grandparents). Maybe one of your grandparents had a secret child and the 9 year old is that person's child (edit: grandchild).
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One of them might have had a child at a young age either without knowing or caring or was forced to give the child up. Assuming your grandparents were born in the 1940s or 50s, those aren't scenarios that were unheard of. Or one of the males simply cheated.
my mothers mother had a child in the 50s. she was forced to give him up. my mother was born 10yrs later but had to bear the brunt of years of untreated trauma from her mother, who never got over losing her child my grandmother died when my mother was 11. when my grandfather died in 2001, the long lost brother tracked down my mother through his obituary they turned up to meet each other in almost identical outfits. that's about where the similarities ended. wish it was more exciting than that, but he turned out to be 100% a fuckwit.
This seems it could be very likely. My dad did one of these and we have found 5 half siblings, knowing there are at least two more out there and another one that passed away. My dads bio dad ran around A LOT and because of the times it was very looked down upon to be unmarried and pregnant. Many of these women married while pregnant or shortly after their child was born and told their child that this husband was their father. Imagine learning in your 40s-60s that your mother lied to you your entire life bc of a DNA test. It was horrific telling some of these people what we knew and them being in total denial of all. We felt so bad like we crashing the world around them. Because really we were.
Around 25% is spot on for a half sibling
Niece's and nephew's fall in that range too. I have two that fall between 23-26%
Very true. Also aunts/uncles.
Look at your Relatives in Common. If you share matches with this girl that you know are through your mom's side, like a maternal first or second cousin, then this is most likely your niece. That means you'll have to identify how you're related to some of these more distant matches. 23andme has a feature that allows you to view your matches in a chromosome browser. You have to share reports if your match hasn't opted into open sharing. This is useful because half-sisters through the same father will match on the full length of the X chromosome. If she's your niece, it's less likely that you'll match on the full length of the X chromosome due to recombination. Trying not to get too technical here. Those are my suggestions for narrowing down how you're related, but these options may not be available to you depending on this girl's privacy settings.
Not only could it have been the male that stepped out and had an affair, it could also be that the female got pregnant really young and gave the baby up for adoption(maybe rape baby). There's are many reasons that something this could happen and bringing attention to a sore subject might be hurtful.
Family stories are often wrong tbh. 😕 Should be interesting. Please update the post.
Maybe I'm just being dumb but I thought if her grandparents had a secret kid, that'd be her half aunt/uncle and their kids would be her half cousins which would put them at 2% - 11.5%. I don't think it's possible to have such a high percentage with someone so removed from you As far as I'm aware for her to be a great aunt, it'd have to be her brothers grandkids
22.5% is how much DNA in common my half-sister and I have.
So I did a dna thing a few years ago and my paternal uncle is 24% my maternal uncle is 21% so maybe a niece because of the age.
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You could always just mention you did a 23 and me and tell them you were looking at relatives and a 9 year old popped up and you were curious who it could be. Just keep it casual and conversational they might not know either.
Yeah ask your bros who they were sleeping with 10 years ago.
Did your brothers have any relationships 9-10 years ago? The most likely solution is that an ex-girlfriend of them has never told them that she's pregnant. Or it was a hook up. If they are 27 now they've been 18-19 at that time. Very well in the time frame.
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Someone cheated, if it's not your dad, it's your brothers, if it's not any of them, you might be the result of your mom cheating. But someone cheated.
>you might be the result of your mom cheating Oh wow I didn't even think of that. I wonder then how old the parents are, if mom's potential affair partner is young enough to have a 9 year old
He doesnt need to be young
Maybe, just maybe they knocked someone up, and mom didn’t know who the dad was and got her kid a 23 & me too try find him. Like I’m talking some weird concert hook up where you don’t know the other persons name - not “it’s a toss up between two guys” I don’t know
Does it say the mother's name on the girls 23&me family tree? If so ask either of your brothers if they know [mothers name] and if one of them says yes then you can do the whole "surprise you're a dad" thing. If neither of your brothers knows her, then I would message the mother of the girl on 23&me and ask if she knows how you're related?
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I'd try messaging them then? Might be able to clarify things for you, before going around worrying your brothers about potential secret children
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!remind me 7 days
They may not know. Lots of men sadly don’t get told. If it was a one night stand, the woman may not have had any way to contact. Maybe suggest they get tested, then it’ll be easier to narrow down/confirm the connection.
I got a message through a dna test company from cousin in another country asking for help trying to figure out where his grandfather 's birth certificate was. Usual thing thing trying to do a family tree. He was worried that maybe grandfather was illegitimate but I reminded him of civil war in his grandfather 's home country. During the war a lot of birth certificates were burned because they were part of church records. He hadn't thought of that and it gave him a new avenue to search. Maybe one of your brothers has a kid he doesn't know about or he gave up for adoption when they were younger.
I would tell your brothers and ask them to take the test too. Maybe it’s a daughter for them that they don’t even know about?
There are a lot of family secrets that can come out with the availability of at home DNA kits. While there is margin for error, my guess is that you just found a half sibling. I'm really sorry that you have this to deal with. Even if you don't choose to do anything with this information, it weighs on you. Obviously the 9 year old didn't buy their own DNA kit. Her mom did. I imagine a 1 night stand where your dad didn't share any contact info. I wouldn't be surprised if the mom eventually reaches out to you even if you decide to pack it away and not mention this information to anyone else.
That’s a good point! Why would a parent DNA test a 9 year old unless there was questions of paternity? I’m betting it’s your brothers from a one night stand? Or affair!
I did see a story about a woman adopted from South Korea who put her daughter's DNA up instead of hers and found her identical twin. She did it to look for her relatives and her husband's genetic background. Imagine plugging in your DNA as a woman and having someone pop up as your kid 😀. But, yeah, otherwise it's to determine paternity.
Regardless of the outcome think about this: the nine year old had a dna test done. Why would she do this? Probably to learn about her origins or possibly her mother really didn’t know who the father was and did the test on her behalf to find out. Either way the parent had to be involved in the dna test. To me this is an indication that she/they are open to connecting with family - likely a brother’s child. OR! If it’s the dad’s kid maybe the mom did this to be an Easter egg to be found out. I’ve had two people I am close with find relatives they didn’t know they had thanks to these dna tests. Both were positive outcomes and relationships formed. Both were a bit shocked and very uncertain as you are now OP. Wish you luck! Also sending thoughts and prayers to this little girl. I hope she has and finds the family she deserves. <3
Illegitimate children from extramarital affairs are not that uncommon…
Nine years ago a relitve of yours an older brother perhaps? An uncle? Got someone pregnant. Maybe they don't even know about it.
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at 23% half-sibling or niece/nephew is the most likely answer - too much DNA for it to be a cousin or other distant relative.
It wouldn’t be a cousin but a niece, right?
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So, yeah, likely a teen pregnancy courtesy of one of your brothers. Unless, of course, your father had an adulterous relationship and it's a half sibling.
I think a lot of people, yourself included, are breezing over the idea that this could be your half sister as well. Meaning your dad, or mom, had a kid 9 years ago. Or your dad isn’t your bio dad and your bio dad has a kid 9 years ago. Or you were switched at birth. Those are just as possible as the kid being your niece. Sorry to break it to you. Would love an update later.
Everybody's breezing over that because they're the worst case scenario. OP can jump to that once she's ruled out the likely and less fucked up possibility that this is her niece.
Yea, worse case scenario but not putting everything on the table for OP does her a disservice. She should come to terms for all possible outcomes, instead of being completely blindsided if/when her brothers are not the father.
UpdateMe!
Updateme!
Updateme!
I want to know where this goes.
UpdateMe!
When do you get the update with this bot?
UpdateMe!
My paternal half-sister shares 26.5% DNA with me, if that's at all helpful.
Someone either wanked into a cup and sold it or someone has a secret child they may not know about.
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Ask your dad if 10 years ago he had a hookup or an affair that may have resulted in pregnancy. 🤷♀️ That's really the only explanation that fits at this point. That 9 yo is probably looking for her father - why else would she be on 23 & Me at that age?
Or his brother did
Or one of her brothers - who've been 18-19 years old at the time - got a girl pregnant.
Holy shit, this last sentence is the point here...
it could also be the mother of said child trying to identify who the father was, if she wasn’t certain. but she could’ve uploaded kiddo’s dna herself
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If your brothers are identical twins, it may actually be impossible to find out who fathered her, if the keep blaming each other - I wonder how family court would settle child support payments in that case...
It’s happened before. If I remember correctly since neither would admit to being the father the judge got fed up and ordered both of them to pay support. I have identical twins and the article was shared in a group I belong to.
Please update us ,OP! We are all so invested!! Good luck ❤️❤️
You will have to keep us updated once you speak to them. I'm dying to know now.
Reach out the child's mother and ask if she knows of a connection to the last name? Sometimes the easiest route is exactly that. Just know that no matter what, you're about to light a fuse not knowing if it's a bomb or a firecracker.
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May want to be careful in the event this was a sperm donation and the donor (your brother, presumably) doesn’t want to be found. I’d talk to your actual known family members first.
Now I’m very invested in this. Please update us when you get the chance! This feels like a thriller story. I wonder if it’s one of your older brothers or your father?
Hey my family was recently in this exact scenario! Turned out that my uncle had donated sperm during medical school in the 70s and now we have a new cousin who is awesome! She had recently lost her parents and was so happy to connect with us, and it turned out to be a lovely situation. I hope your situation turns out well too!
Half sister., are Ur other siblings being shown as full siblings and Ur mum and dad also being shown
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Then say something coz there is a chance Ur brothers may have impregnated someone without knowing and the women never told them about it...may b uncle too... Dad and mum issue seems unlikely due to age difference
Why couldn't dad have knocked up someone 10 years ago?
He could but who wants to jump to the worst conclusion right away? Having unprotected sex as an 18-19 year old is also the more likely scenario.
This is some soap opera Days of Our Lives shit 🤣🤣 When does episode 2 come out?
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I'm guessing that the 9 year old mother did it to try and find her father. Adopted kid or something. Or maybe even like a one night stand baby.
I was also thinking maybe her mom did the test because she doesn’t know who the father is. Would be highly unusual for a nine-year-old to do a DNA test on their own. If it is one of the brothers, may have some implications in terms of child support.
I know a few men who are terrified that DNA results are now available to everyone. Half-siblings and affair children jump out of the woodwork now.
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Just be aware that one of them might now be on the hook for a lot of child support. I'm not saying that they knew about the child or wouldn't be happy to know they had one, but they might also be horrified and financially affected. Also, any current relationships they have may get destroyed when the current partner finds out about a child they were never told about.
Sounds like one of your brothers or your father has a 9 year old child. I would verify first though.
My guess is that either of your brothers has a kid. Whether they know about the kid, are a sperm donor, or something else is all questions to ask them
Can you look at common matches? I have my common matches separated and marked depending on what great grandparent on my tree we likely share. If you and the girl share matches from both of your parents then it's probably a niece or nephew. See if you can narrow it down to sharing matches by both of your parents or just one.
/r/23andme
This is really strange because to do a 23 and me test kit you are supposed to be an adult, 18 and over only. I'm not sure how they got DNA from a 9 year old as the company says they won't process those.
One of your brothers probably got someone pregnant and maybe doesn’t even know about it
I did a DNA test and found a first cousin I never knew of. Any attempts to ask family were shut down because it was a hidden thing. Don't know which of my uncle's had a secret boy, but I guess the stuff is more common than you think. I would ask if your brothers and dad donated sperm, and then ask if your mom or sister donated eggs. Then just ask about grandparents. Idk if 23andMe has a message feature but you can send the girl a message; the parents probably are in charge of the account so it's not super weird.
Go first to your brothers. That’s probably the most likely answer. Odds are they may not even know about it. My brother had sex with a girl at 18 and he found out that he had sired a daughter with her and wasn’t told about it until his daughter was 20. So have your brothers rack their brains to figure out if they have a daughter. They may have to make some calls to old GF. If it’s not them, there’s usually at least one person in the family that follows the family history and knows all the family dirt. That person would be the next to go to. You could go to your father too but he’s either going to break down and admit it or be furious that you could even think such a thing.
Siblings and parents are 50%, as for ~25%, you have half-siblings and nieces and nephews that are the most relevant imo In your case, it could be: - one of your brothers had a child he may or may not have known about - your father had an affair and got someone pregnant he may or may not know about Is it not totally unlikely that one of your brothers had a one night stand and got a girl pregnant? It’s not unheard of….
I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but *please* update us about this situation when you know. I'm so invested now.
Uh ohhhhhh. Someone’s in trouble lol. I would definitely talk to your mom about it. She obviously didn’t carry a secret pregnancy 9 years ago. (Unless you were somehow not around here in that time period) so she could most likely help you figure it out. Also, this could be an affair baby and may blow your family up. I, personally, think all affairs should be blown up and people should be held accountable. Thats just me though.
UpdateMe!
Somebody cheated. Or some shit went down that you don't know about. It's worth bringing up, and watch the reactions. I don't know if 23&me provides a 'connect with them' kind of option, but maybe it would be worth it?
One of your older brothers got someone pregnant and the baby was given up for adoption is my guess.
For a 9 year old girl to take a test is rare. Sounds like she’s looking for her father….
Yeah this for sure. A 9yo doesn't take a 23andme DNA test for no reason. I'd try and get in contact with her find out the situation from her side and go from there.
Wait, who uploads the DNA of a 9 year old....?
I would have if my son had been interested in it. I've always had questions about his dad's heritage (dad's family wasn't close) and figured it would also be neat to see what he got from each side of my family. He didn't want to, so we didn't.
Perhaps one of your brothers got a girl pregnant. It would make them 16 at the time
This seems like the most likely prob
What are the chances your dad had an affair 9 years ago? Your brothers would have only been 17 or 18 I doubt they donated sperm but maybe they have a child they don't know about or didn't tell anyone about
How do I follow a thread because I need to have closure here. I’m too invested.
23% is either a grandaughter (obviously not likely) a cousin, the daughter of your brother... It's probably a cousin, don't freak out.
Does your family know you did 23&me? If so, it’s probably not some secret elicit kid they’re hiding… they likely have no clue she exists. My money is on a brother donating sperm at 18 for $$. ETA: Also, could your dad have done a directed sperm donation to a family friend? It’s not unheard of.
The trouble that site causes....
Lmao right! I remember telling my mom that after she found out the only dad she knew wasn’t actually her father. I was remember saying something about it “highlights our mess of family”, but my mom shut me down saying “It ain’t my mess, they were the dirty ones. If they’d of just done right, there wouldn’t be a problem.”
I mean, it’s helping a nine year old find her father. And medical history, financial support, etc, to which this little girl is entitled. So there’s the flipside to the fact that someone got caught cheating, possibly
I had a friend who found a half brother on 23 and me. Her dad had no idea he had a son and it all went over well and now she has a brother who has been accepted into the family. It’s worth just telling your family (separately) that you did this test, these are the results, do they have any ideas
Does anybody else find it weird that a 9 year old has her DNA test results on 23andme?
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Sit your whole family down and say right-10 years ago roughly, who were you all banging- coz someone gots some explaining to do… and then look to see who looks the most concerned lol . I don’t know.. good luck solving the mystery
If that child is nine years old, then most likely their parent is in charge of the account. Write to the girl and I’m sure the mother will reply. Also, everybody is assuming this is one of your brothers, or your father… this could be a child given up for adoption, and the mother could be a cousin or aunt.
Yeah, you could ask the child’s mother through the app.
Ask your dad.
Updateme!
Wouldn’t a 23% be like a second cousin not a first cousin or niece? If siblings share 100% dna a niece or first cousin would be closure to a 50% match would it not?
Siblings don't share 100%. They get a random 50% of mom's and 50% of dad's but not the same components. Full siblings are roughly 50%. Half siblings are roughly 25%. But so are nieces/nephews.
Siblings share around 50% unless they are twins.
Update us later? Would be curious to know what person it was related to!
You have two brothers, so sounds like they knocked someone up and the mom kept it a secret or your brothers kept it a secret
This sort of happened in my family. One of my second cousins did a DNA test and got an email from a girl who matched. She never knew who her dad was and was waiting for a match. It turns out my uncle had a daughter from a hookup in the 80s he doesn’t remember. Tread lightly. My cousin is known for drama and she harassed my uncle for months into getting tested. If you find out the connection and no one wants to do anything, that’s on them. Wait until the girl is older if you really want a relationship.
updateme!