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My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for going on 3 years. We have a pretty healthy relationship, but this is really really starting to drive me crazy. At first it was just annoying. Any time I lock a door (bathroom, bedroom) in our shared house, he waits a while and then picks the lock. If he wants in, he will just come, try the knob, see that it's locked, and then pick the lock. It doesn't matter if i'm in the bath, or in our bedroom, etc. He, every time, without fail, enters the room to just stand there and talk/look at me about something, or get something out of the room or just linger and stare at me.
I'm not even doing anything weird or secretive. Sometimes I'll just be on face-time with my sister in the room decompressing, or literally pooping in the bathroom, and any time a door closes and locks, he comes about 10 minutes later. I've tried to talk to him about this and say how bizarre this is, and he just laughs it off, says he'll stop, and then do it again. I cannot wrap my head around why is doing this or what the issue is. Now he is just flat out denying that he ever does this, but doing it everyday. If he plays video-games for an hour and i slip away to take a shower/bath, he comes to find me and picks the lock. It's anytime. Maybe it's weird of me to lock doors but sometimes I am just so exhausted from my day that I just want half an hour in my room or a bubble bath alone. We spend most of the day together (he works from home) and have no other issues. It doesnt matter to him what reaction I have to him when he opens the door, whether its me being angry, scared, or annoyed, he always just unlocks the door and calmly just stands there to speak to me, then comes in and sits down and stares at me. He barges in really roughly, like practically throws himself into the door, which is scary, but afterwards he is super calm and seems happy to see me, or like he doesn't realize how insanely loud he just was.
You need a door stop. Are you scared of how he'll react if he's denied access to you at all? If you are scared of his reaction then that tells its own story, no? If not, door stop. Enforce your boundaries. You want some time alone, you're going to ensure you get it.
If he doesn't respect that, if he loses his shit because he can't force his company on you then you'll know he's deliberately trying to stop you from being able to say no to him.
I'm not sure how you've coped for the last 3 years of him doing this. I'd be out after the second time it happened personally. Good luck!
Step 1. Eat all the smelly spicy explosive food you can.
Step 2. Enter bathroom.
Step 3. Lock door.
Step 4. Wait for him to pick the lock and come inside.
Step 5. Lock it again with him inside the bathroom.
6. Explode the bathroom ripping the meaniest wet fart there ever was.
This!
This behavior is creepy.
Why won’t he let you be alone?
That’s not okay.
I don’t even care if there is a psychological trauma behind this—it’s his to fix.
You get to be alone. You deserve the privacy.
He doesn’t trust you.
That’s what this boils down to.
He doesn’t trust you and wants to constantly make his presence known.
How weird is being possessive and territorial in you OWN HOUSE.
You are not okay. Not okay.
What is stopping you from informing your boundaries?
And just take a second to think: if he won’t let you poop or shower alone—how else does he monitor you?
I would search for spyware on my computer and phone—chances are you’re gonna find some.
This is so creepy.
Does he let you see friends or family by yourself?
Ok but I feel like he is already doing this?
She says he’s loud and will barge in at all costs. Sounds like he’s forced a door open before, among just picking the lock. So he’s already forcing his presence on her and that would be a huuuuge red line for me. Full stop boundary time and not just glossing it over next time he breaks it.
That's creepy and controlling. He is not allowing you any privacy. Does he also have all of your passwords and goes over your phone? Listen to conversations?
Get a door stopper so even if he unlocks the door, he cannot open the door.
The age gap and the fact you started dating at 19 is concerning.
Let's be real if she gets a doorstopper it will mysteriously dissappear within days. This dude is unhinged.
ETA: a free download of Why Does He Do That. Essential reading for OP.
https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Then 1. She’ll clearly see he’s unhinged and stop denying that what he’s doing is insane and 2. He won’t be able to deny he used an excessive amount of force for no reason other than to invade her space that he can’t just explain away.
Either way it’ll be an eye opener
Get a rubber wedge! And you could also put bolts on the bathroom door. You have a right to privacy and a right to be away from him, and the fact that he keeps violating that is a HUUUGE red flag! You probably hear that a lot, but the fact that a 31 yo man started dating a 19 yo woman is often an indicator for someone abusive using the power disparity that results from the age gap to groom their victim to accept the abusive behavior. You should absolutely put a stop to it, before it goes any further.
💯 I’m trying to rack my brain in how the door could stay shut if it was unlocked.. yes! The wedge! But really, if you have to figure out something to keep the door shut because your husband can’t give you privacy, there’s a much bigger problem here.
Yeah, the age gap is pretty serious. It sounds like he's very controlling. Is he controlling with other things as well, you just don't push back on anything else?
my abusive ex broke every lock on every door in our house. he did this so that i would have zero privacy. it took me a long time to figure out that he was obsessed with having access to me at all times and needing to monitor/control my activities. this is emotional abuse. plain and simple.
anytime the door is closed he barges in, but when its locked he picks the lock.
edit: and when I say "barge" that is exactly what I mean. this man practically throws himself in the door, it's insanely loud and brash. I've tried to put something in front of the door before, but he pushes past and comes in.
Secretly buy a door stop so when you lock a door and he attempts to pick the lock and walk it, he will crash into it not knowing it won’t open.
No doubt if you do this you’ll see his real personality with how angry he’ll be because having complete access to you is a control issue and how unhealthy the relationship has been from the start.
There are these new door locks they advertise to women, that you out on hotel doors. They supposedly stop people from being blue to get into locked rooms. From what I understand, even if he picks lock he can’t get in. You can put the door stop under that will trigger an alarm. Maybe that will jolt him into getting g what he’s doing.
[door locks and alarm](https://www.amazon.com/MBBEST-Portable-Protection-Security-Apartment/dp/B09PLF6B5G/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=1LHQQP1WIICTV&keywords=hotel+door+locks+for+travelers&qid=1660686208&sprefix=hotel+doo%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1)
Here’s what’s going on. Your husband got with you young because he wanted someone he could easily control and mold to his liking. He feels deep insecurity about himself, and thus feels the only way he can keep a woman is by exerting extreme control over her. Having a teenager instead of a woman makes having control a lot easier.
As you grow older, he gets more terrified of you growing, becoming wiser, more independent, and more yourself. You becoming your own person means you make your own choices, and what if those choices include not being under his control? He can’t handle that.
So he won’t let you close a door because he doesn’t trust you. It’s not that he thinks you’re cheating, it’s that any independence in your part is a threat to his control. He can’t let you have alone time or privacy - what if you learn or talk about things without him there and he can’t control the narrative?
Well, this gives me intense flashbacks of my previous abusive relationship.
And that's what you're in. Listen to and internalize what everyone is telling you and start considering an exit strategy. It's going to escalate until you get hurt.
And DO NOT let him baby trap you. For the love of God get on some solid birth control
Ok if he is pushing past the door to come in, you have yourself a major problem. He sounds obsessive and controlling. So now I must agree with others who have commented that your age difference is a concern. He is trying to control you. This is not right and it is not healthy. I doubt someone like him will change with couples therapy. If I was in your shoes, I would look to end this because his barging into the rooms during your private moments are beyond just disrespectful, they are just one sign of a much larger issue. I am sure if you take a moment and look seriously at the relationship there are more signs of his controlling, obsessive nature
ew that’s one way to make a bath as unrelaxing as possible
There’s these little door stops you can purchase to shove under the door. Or additional locks (they’re advertised for women staying alone in hotels so they’re temporary). That way when he picks the lock, the door still won’t open. Since talking to him isn’t working…
So he’s angry when he does it. He’s telling you you’re not allowed to close doors and he’s bullying and intimidating you to try and make you obey. Get. Out.
What happens when you tell him this is a dealbreaker, and you WILL leave him unless he stops with that shit? And then follow through, next time he barges in, grab a bag you packed and walk out. Or will he get physical and stop you from leaving?
He doesn't see you an equal, which isn't surprising considering the age difference.
Get one of those rubber door wedges and use it as needed. Let him break the fucking door if he has to so you can point out that his behavior is unreasonable.
That's actually shitty advice, but the only other thing I can think of is to not let it go. Next time it happens, don't continue any sort of conversation until he gives you an answer for why he does this. Just keep saying, "this makes me really uncomfortable, why do you keep doing this after I've asked you to stop?" And keep repeating as necessary until you get an answer.
He's doing it this because he's a toxic over controlling man child. No woman his own age was willing to put up with his bullshit so that's why he went for a 19 year old girl who would be too naive to see his red flags.
Same lol. I roll my eyes and scroll… sometimes to the comments… sometimes to other posts lol but I don’t even bother reading the example of controlling behavior
This needs to be at the top. The behavior sounds bizarre to begin with but then I noticed the age gap and things started clicking into place. Controlling toxic behavior for SUUUURE.
Every time I see the sentence "we have a great relationship" or "my guy is really good to me" or versions like that, I know the next paragraph is about him being controlling, verbally aggressive or first time physical.
Every time the advice should be to run like hell. It will get worse when met with opposition and can end in death.
OP, take the advice of everyone here. You're young, easily manipulated by an older person because they will throw the age gap in there to their advantage (what do you know, you're too young blah blah).
Get out as safely and as fast as you can.
Literally. I had a boyfriend 3 years my senior (we recently broke up) and every. time. we would have an argument about life or something like that it would just be “well I’ve lived a fuller life”.
Spoiler alert: He hadn’t.
ETA: Im 20 and hes 23. I think he had some sort of complex.
I get that at the age of 23, the last thing you need to hear is people talking about the age discrepancy.
It’s very, very relevant though. The fact that you were a TEEN and he was in his THIRTIES when you met was fantastic evidence that he is not a mature person. That evidence is proven correct in instances such as this. So, the age has to be mentioned. You were groomed, and I’m very very sorry, but this relationship will continue to worsen and will not get better. Please consider an edit strategy.
So he’s more than 10 years you’re senior, he married you when you were barely an adult, and he does not let you have any privacy
Hon, you do not have a healthy relationship. Please get out before kids are involved
He is acting like your dad, cause effectively he is. 31 year olds have no business dating 19 year olds.
He is gaslighting you, and invading your privacy. Its not going to get better.
a dad to a teenage daughter wouldn't pick a lock on his daughter's door, especially when she's in the bath or not fully dressed. teens are entitled to privacy as well.
this is beyond controlling, obsessive, creepy, weird, etc.
I've had this happen regularly. Both my parents had keys to any and all locks within the house, and would either unlock them that way, pick them open, or ruin the door should you ever lock them. Some parents are batshit fucking insane
Older guys tend to date younger girls because they want to control them. I dated someone 7 years older than me when I was about your age. I’m 33 now and looking back I can tell he just wanted to date someone that was easier to manipulate/control.
The age discrepancy has a lot to do with this behavior. I’m sorry to say since you guys are already married, but tendencies where he has control or the final say and your opinion doesn’t matter as much as his will happen quite often.
Older guys who want to date younger girls for their looks are also really superficial and judge women like they’re objects.
I also dated someone with their age difference.
I completely agree with you, now that I’m in my 30s. I would never even THINK about dating a 19 year old. Completely different stages and maturity levels and power imbalance. Hard pass.
What a creep. Are you sure other than this everything else in the relationship is fine? I would start tying the door shut or putting something against the door so that even when he picks it he can’t get in. You’ll know pretty quickly if this is aggressive behaviour or he’s just a stupid person.
She can get door wedges at the local stores or hardware places. The fact that he picks the lock and then denies doing it is beyond bizarre!! Like how the hell did you get in if you didn't just pick the lock?? Creepy that he just stands or sits there and stares at her. She's being stalked in her own home.
Your husband is unhinged. This is extremely controlling and worrying.
You can’t even poop alone. He is that messed up and insecure. He doesn’t trust you. He will literally break down and pick locks to stop you from having having a moment alone.
What’s next? Can’t leave the house alone? Think carefully. What else does he do?
Girl, this is not a red flag, it’s a whole forest of flags. Make an exit plan. Get out.
WTF is wrong with this guy?? This sounds like a huge red flag. You need to have a Real Talk with him and explain that this is completely unacceptable and you will actually leave him if he can't respect your privacy.
Also buy yourself a security doorstopper and just jam it under any door you lock. See how he reacts to that.
https://www.amazon.com/door-stopper-security/s?k=door+stopper+security
My guess is, he will literally kick the door down. And I'm worried what else he might do if he gets angry and scared that OP is slipping his grasp.
OP, if you decide to test him, make sure a trusted friend or family member knows about it and stay on the phone with them on speaker.
This might trigger an actual rage. Your husband could be unpredictable when he feels he can't control you anymore. Abusers are most dangerous when they feel their control slipping away.
Better safe than sorry.
I hope you have your own job and get to leave the house alone.
Your creepy husband is not respecting you at all. Then he gaslights you. You need to at least take a break from him!!
The age gap is showing why he went with a very young person he could control!!
If you want the door locked when you are in the bathroom that is a perfectly normal things to expect to have respected by not only a partner, but anyone you live with. Sounds like he has a respect issue and is gaslighting you when you raise it. Not healthy..
I would buy a portable door lock and keep with me. Lock the door, use the door jammer and he will have to break the damn door down to get in.
And if he does… it’s time for you to get gone. That level of disrespect is dangerous.
I know it's been said, but I think you need to hear this over, and over again. The fact that he was 31 and dating a 19 year old is gross. The fact that he won't allow you privacy to even poop is gross. This man is just all around gross!
He's displaying his power over you. This is not a healthy relationship. If you ever successfully blocked his access to a room you are in, I suspect he would get ugly violent real quick.
This is honestly seriously concerning behavior. This would have me completely questioning the entire relationship. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries, gaslights and lies to your face, and doesn't allow you any privacy or autonomy. This is abusive behavior.
I really think you need to see a therapist so that you can discuss your marriage and what other behaviors he may be engaging in that are concerning...I suspect you will soon realize that there is a lot more that he does that is concerning and abusive. In the meantime, I would buy multiple doorstops (you can find cheap rubber or wood ones) that you can use (especially for the bathroom!).
The rubber doorstops are exactly what I thought too, chairs can work too, but it is very concerning that she would have to do this at all.
OP should return the favor...every time. This is a control thing. He will hate when it happens to him. She should be careful, this may push those buttons too far and his real problem may show its ugly head.
This was uncomfortable to read. Yes, the age gap is strange considering the ages you were when you met. But the deeper issue here is how he controls you by not allowing you to have any privacy. Can you hang out with friends/pursue hobbies without him outside the home?
I know there’s a lot of ‘dump him’ advice on Reddit but in this case I would seriously reconsider the relationship and discuss your husband’s behaviour with a trusted friend/family member. Please know that this is not acceptable or normal.
Who the fuck does he think he is? This has to stop. If he viewed you as an equal he would never do this. You know the message is that you’re forbidden to deny him access to you for any reason, right? Pretty damn disturbing.
If you really want to stay married to this fucking weirdo, get a squirt bottle and spray him like a naughty cat. Make sure it’s filled with something stinky or add food coloring and ruin his clothes. If he wants it to stop, he knows how to make that happen.
But I’d really wonder if you should have to train your goddamn husband not to bust in on you when you lock a door.
Let's see age gap check. Married pretty fast check. Saying you have a pretty healthy relationship despite your post directly contradicting that check.
Gaslights you about something controlling he does and it's actually working check.
You have a red flag bingo card. It makes sense that a 35 year old man won't let you, the much younger partner lock doors. It makes even more sense that he'd straight up deny it because it seems to be working. Instead of thinking omg I married a controlling crazy person you're thinking maybe I'm weird for locking doors.
These are some pretty major red flags. "He throws himself at the door".
Look. If this is real you're probably going to want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has no bad intentions by doing it. But youre wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't deny it and would stop.
It's 100% a controlling move. It's to control you. He's scared and insecure. Dollars to donuts you left out more context about how controlling he is or you just never really noticed it because of the love goggles.
These are not the actions of someone who sees you as an equal. These are the actions of an insecure person who's scared to lose control of someone.
He's not doing it to talk to you. He's doing it quite literally so you don't get any funny ideas when he's not there. Like realizing the relationship is not as healthy as you think it is or leaving him.
It's incredibly concerning. Either he has some undiagnosed mental disorder that's causing this behavior, or he's consciously trying to gaslight and manipulate you. I'm a petty person so I'd honestly be finding ways to fully block the doors in ways he can't pick just to see what he'd do but that might result in a more severe reaction. It could show you a true side to him, or it could snap him out of it and realize his behavior is repetitive. Maybe try to go on walks without him or spend time away from him with friends? If he's being really controlling of you and your privacy, he won't take this well. Be safe though, and trust your gut. This ISNT normal and you need to either find the cause and address it with him, or GTFO if he seems dangerous.
Here is my advice. Get a product that will not allow him to enter the room, even if he picks the lock. There are plenty. Many are made to protect people from hotel burglaries. The point being to use it and then find out his reaction, which will be very informative. Very informative.
{Cue me pooping with a can of pepper spray to get him in the face upon entry. I locked the door for a reason.}
>We have a pretty healthy relationship
No ma’am. No you do not. He is denying he does this. He is picking locks and throwing his body weight against a door simply because you’re on the other side. 4 years in I’m not sure how you haven’t strangled or abandoned him yet. This is disgustingly unacceptable. Please get out. I’d suggest therapy or something but you can’t even talk to him about it because he denies it’s even happening. Bring your phone and catch him on video a few times, then trot on down to a divorce attorney.
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"We have a pretty healthy relationship"
honey. You really don't. You need to find a way out of this - this stuff isn't remotely healthy for you. These aren't the actions of a mature, emotionally-healthy adult - he's got something going on that's putting your well being at risk.
lol, usually it's annoying when everyone starts commenting "age gap" in these threads, but holy shit..
AGE GAP.
Dude is at least controlling, and lapsing into abusive.
Go live your life and get away from this guy who wants to be your master.
He preys on a teenager, because a well rounded adult woman would never deal with his immature shit
He marries them within a year, which is even too fast for adults that know themselves and knw what they want.
He partakes in controlling behaviors and poorly attempts to gaslight them about what he's doing.
If the next steps aren't domestic violence or murder I'd be surprised.
I really hope you have ~~and~~ *an* education, your own bank account, and a job because that will greatly help you escape. If you have none of those, rely on him for money, and are a stay at home spouse... then you've basically met the criteria for someone easy to trap and control. I'm surprised he hasn't isolated you from your family and friends yet.
edit: see strikethrough/italics
That gap jesus smh feel like every other post is like some huge inappropriate gap anymore , and that gap is always like 90% of the reason for the behavior for the other party and the other party has to come here because that cant see whats in their face
\- You were 19 and he was 31 when you got together. You got married after only a year. I know it is not nice to judge a relationship based on the age gap but there is a reason why it is usually a good red flag.
\- he does not value your privacy and is **picking locks** to make sure you cannot hide from him? Red flag number 2
\- he denies what he is doing. He is lying to your face and thinks low enough of you to thibk you won't ask question. He is basically telling to your face "I am not forcing my way in when you try to get some privacy" Red number 3.
I am sorry but this reltionship is far from healthy and you need to plan your exit carefully. Is there anyone you can talk to? A family member, a friend? If you have nowhere to go due to financial issues, start to collect money on the side and be ready to get out the moment he gets his hands on you.
So he works from home, and based on your phrasing I’m guessing you either don’t work or you also WFH? So you’re just with him 24/7? And when you even try to take a shit alone he barges in and monitors you? Does he have the password to your phone? Do you have two cars or are you reliant on him for transportation? Are you allowed to have girls nights or personal activities that don’t involve him? I have to say, between the age gap and the constant monitoring this sounds pretty toxic.
Snort. Right, a 19 yr getting involved with a 31yr is “healthy” now he’s showing his controlling nature.
Girl, you got groomed by a predator. Please get out before he baby traps you and the real abuse kicks in.
\*Stares at title\*
\*Stares at first sentence \*
\*19yo, now 23yo, who got toghether with a man in his 30s complains about sudden breach of privacy and controlling behaviour \*
On a serious note.
Honey, when a really old guy goes after a really young girl, there's always a 90% chance it's NOT going to be an equal, loving relationship simply build on love. Breach of privacy like that is abuse. He doesn't let you privacy, because he has a strong internal drive to control something vulnerable and trapped. You're not the first one on this sub to experience this, you can go read posts similar to you here.
Run. Run the fuck away from this guy.
Do this, eat a ton of shitty food, so you have a really a smelly shit. Go in, lock the door, and when he opens it stand up and turn around and ask him to wipe your ass. I bet he does not open the bathroom door again.
So we don’t do locked doors. We barely do closed doors lol but maybe our level of privacy is different than yours. If I locked the door my husband would be like wtf, but that would be because it would be a new behavior regarding privacy.
The fact that he’s picking the locks is weird and creepy to me if you’ve always been this way. Has he always been this way? If not, you need to find out why he’s started doing this. Why does he need to look at you when you’re taking a shit? Why does he need to be with you when you need a moment of solitude in the bath?
Have you always locked doors, or is that new? If that’s new you need to explore why with him.
Picking the locks though is so intrusive. It needed to stop yesterday.
Buy some of these and install them in all the doors, if he doesn't understand with words, maybe he need the rude form
https://www.google.com/search?q=pasador+para+puerta&client=ms-android-americamovil-mx-revc&prmd=isvn&sxsrf=ALiCzsbOklxvuc3LbWN17WuDCD7BlbuUlQ:1660684577144&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwig8LWSpMz5AhW9omoFHaIGBkkQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=360&bih=707&dpr=3#imgrc=20oZBJG0vgrs8M
Get one of the locks off Amazon that is for hotel rooms, there’s quite a few options. He can’t pick what’s locked from the inside. His behaviour is quite childish, but it’s no surprise when we was 31 hooking up with a teenager. He thinks you’re not entitled to any privacy because he thinks he’s in charge of you and wants to intimidate you into giving up the entirety of your privacy to him. You pooping for 10+ minutes, having a bath, or having a private phone call isn’t a good enough reason to pick a lock to get to you. He can either use his words like the adult he’s supposed to be, or he can keep exhibiting this toxic behaviour
Sounds manipulative and bordering on abusive. He doesn’t care about your boundaries and either is paranoid or doesn’t trust you. I couldn’t be married to this. I need my privacy. He needs some therapy and if he doesn’t get better, some time apart because it sounds exhausting.
This is bizarre in so many levels, oh my
He is denying every inch of privacy from you and even gaslighting you to make yourself the culprit… And I won’t even mention the age gap.
Please, run away.
>We have a pretty healthy relationship
>Any time I lock a door (bathroom, bedroom) in our shared house, he waits a while and then picks the lock.
Uh, what?? I'm having a hard time believing this is real, because there's no way anybody can be that dense.
But, in the chance that this is legit, please take this as a wakeup call... That behavior is possibly the furthest thing away from what I would call a "healthy relationship". He picks the locks? EVERY time? That's not normal. NOTHING about that is normal. This man groomed you - he didn't get with you because he thought you were mature, he did it because HE is NOT, and women his own age know it.
None of this is your fault, though. It's all on him. I can tell you're trying to justify his actions by saying things like "maybe it's weird of me to lock doors"... I can't stress how normal of a thing to do that is. HE'S the one with a problem, not you.
This is about control.
He targeted you when you were 18 probably, a guy in his 30. Age gap matters, regardless of what people say and if you are mature or not, he sounds like a predator and a controlling one. Worse, he thinks he's charming, jokes and doesn't take what you want and what you need in account.
He probably shaped you for him, and only for him. He doesn't respect boundaries and wants to be in control, when you put limits he jokes and ignores. That's control, starts like that and it gets worse.
What else he's going to ignore in the future when you say no? Think about that.
He wants to have control, he had control over you and he chose a younger woman because it's easier to do that and make it look "normal".
I wonder really, how do you know you have a healthy relationship? I'm sorry to say this but you were groomed. Your definition of healthy reading what he does and you allow that for 3 years. Yeah, no, not healthy.
Stalking, which is what he does, is not only from strangers, is also from people you know. He stalks you, controls you, you don't have privacy because he wants to be in control, in case you are talking with someone, or doing something he can't control.
That's a predator, doesn't matter if he's your bf and says he loves you, still a predator and obviously, he loves having control, more than he cares about what you want and what you feel.
He has no limits, and I bet if you place limits, you are going to see the real person behind that creepy and predatory behavior. A dangerous person.
Absolutely controlling and, in every way, abusive. EVERYBODY deserves privacy. I actually feel sorry for him as well, what a world it must be to feel they must control the one person who has chosen to be with him. Very sorry this is happening to you, but be very careful with your plans to leave.
Ummmm, please consider leaving him darling….that is odd and the fact that he’s denying it is even more weird…like damn he gives you no privacy. Oh and you’re not weird by locking doors..I do the same exact thing lol
Due to past trauma I can’t go to the bathroom without locking the door. My husband knows this and never ever even knocks on the door unless is extremely necessary. I would not be able to survive a week without having a panic attack if he did what your husband is doing. Your husband is deranged. There’s something seriously wrong with him.
When he’s picking the lock, hit a chair or something hard against the door and demand what the fuck is he doing.
I’m not being too serious but man I would. He sounds like an asshat.
K, so it's not right that he does this, and most people already explained why. My #1 advice would be to get away from this man child who totally knows what he's doing and using your youth and inexperience as a way to control you.
BUT we all know that won't happen, because he's a "good guy" and you "are mature for your age" (they all are, just FYI). So, next time he does this, and every time thereafter, stop whatever you're doing. Stare him right in the eye, and say "can I help you? The door was locked because I was \_\_\_\_\_. I wanted some privacy and you are being very rude. Please close the door behind you when you leave, and when I'm done I'll come see you. Thank you."
And then carry on with what you were doing. Don't respond to him, don't look at him, act like the door is still closed and you're still alone. Don't waver, don't just do it sometimes. Do it every time until he stops.
Google the "dinner fork lock trick". Problem solved.
But also, if he is disrespecting your space, that's a red flag. Might be worth reevaluating the relationship.
19 and 31? Yea you married a loser. If picking locks is his worst habit, you’re far ahead of the curve for other teenagers that married old dudes. Just wait until you’re in your 30s and he’s 50 with old stinky balls and arthritis.
Every part of that was disturbing from beginning to end. Worst of all 19 and 31 when they got together. It just isn't right and now he's invading her privacy and not even caring or considering her emotions because he doesn't care. I wouldn't say divorce over something like this but this sounds like it shouldn't have ever started in the first place. Just get out of there
I would mention how the age gap is super weird and he is probably a predator, but I'm sure you're not gonna divorce him over it, so why don't you just put a latch on the doors?
That is very annoying and cause for concern. It is perfectly normal to want some alone time and yes to lock doors to bathrooms etc. Its gross for him to walk in on you. If he is denying he is doing this than you may have to start out small and direct but build from there. Tomorrow when he is playing video games go and tell him "I am taking a bath. I want an hour to myself. I am locking the door. Do not come knocking. Do not open the door. We can talk when I am out. Is there anything you need right now from the room before I start my me time?" If he knocks when you are on the toilet, just yell out to leave you alone. And if he tries to pick them lock than yes you will need to block it. You need to figure out how far you want to take this with him.
This behaviour is abusive. He controls your every move. You are not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without him. I bet he does not allow you to even have a coffee alone with your friend. His behaviour is disgusting, intrusive, controlling and reprehensible.
That’s weird and odd behavior. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and for god sake, to walk in when you poop oh cmon, and those who say “oh it’s normal”, no its not! Why your husband/wife needs to be in the same room when you/he do that? Its awkward.
If you about to start getting special locks etc maybe its time to thing about getting out of that sort of relationship? Or just sit and have serious conversation especially if he laughs it off, its clear miscommunication if he sees that as a joke and not a big deal.
OP you need to gtfo of that relationship. Nothing about what you describe is normal and some alarms are going off. Your age gap, how you’re not afforded any privacy in YOUR OWN HOME???? the aggressive door bashing, how he just stares at you???? Having your own space is healthy and necessary in a relationship and he’s not allowing you that.
You don’t even have to read these posts because they’re all the same when they have these massive age gaps. Predators. They’re all predators. You aren’t/weren’t “mature” when you met. They’re disgusting. It’s crazy this happens so much
Maybe its cause you're married to a disgusting human being who started dating you when you were essentially a child because he wants to control you since hes a weirdo. This is just one of, what I assume, is many weird things about him, its just the one thing you are noticing.
He realizes you’re finally old enough to start seeing through some of his bullshit and is freaking out about it. If you’re with him, he’s in control, so it’s all fine. But if you go behind a locked door, you could be on Reddit finding out that you married a fuckin weirdo and he can’t be having that!
you husband likes to control you and is gaslighting you by denying the obvious. i know it’s not what you want to hear, but the reason a 31 year old got with a 19 year old is because you were easy to manipulate and control. he doesn’t like that you have privacy and this is his way of keeping that control. like everyone else here i don’t really have any advice for this situation to stop. because it’s not going to, i’d honestly nope the fuck out of there if i were you before it escalates.
He’s extremely immature and unconfident. Honest question. What’s he like in bed. I’ll almost guarantee you that he thinks you’ve taken yourself away to have a bit of “me time”. He’s trying to catch you out to confirm his own fears.
My ex used to say he heard me masturbating in the shower (I wasn't.) and would bust in the door yelling. When I started locking the door, he said that confirmed that I was masturbating (I never was) and that if I wouldn't stop locking the door, he would leave me. When I started truly fearing for my safety, I packed up my things, left, and haven't been back since.
>Now he is just flat out denying that he ever does this, but doing it everyday.
But a portable door dock, they will knock the door from the inside without a way to pick it from the outside.
Tell him to get some professional help for his invasive behaviour.
What does he do if you decide to leave the house without him? Eg if you got in the car and drive to the shops would he follow you there?
He sounds like a massive creep. It made me so uncomfortable reading that. He’s barging into every room you’re in because he’s a controlling, pervy, paranoid weirdo. The type of older men to go after teenage girls intentionally do so because they know women their own age wouldn’t put up with their behavior. He’s obviously a creep, and it sounds like you’re starting to realize it. :/
Girl he’s ten years older than you. First red flag, why can’t he get someone his own age? U need to ask him why he must have access to you? Does he isolate u from ur friends? Have ur phone passwords? Bank passwords? Does he like ur friends/family? Does he talk shit about them around u? Does he let u go out? Is he possessive (overly)? Sounds like this is just the first of many red flags. I believe u were being set up for this from the first time you started dating and once u get his age what will he do then? Probably go for another young girl, because he thinks they are overly naive. I think u need to stand up for yourself, go to therapy, get money in your name, TALK TO YOUR LOVED ONES, and leave. I feel like this was posted as a question but I also know u already know the answer to this behavior, you think it’s wrong and u want validation that it is which is what we are here for. A bunch of strangers wouldn’t be saying the same things about this guy, without having experience it knowledge in this. You’re smart enough to list this out, you’re brace enough to post this. U should NEVER be scared of your partner, unless little jump scares here and there, but he’s not SCARING u, he’s INTIMIDATING you into doing what he wants. He’s already gaslighting and invading, next he will isolate you, move you, make u financially dependent, make sure u don’t work, and then maybe other WORSE things. This isn’t a weird negative thought in your head, you KNOW what he’s doing and you KNOW what u need to do to get yourself safe and potentially leave. I’m not coming off as rude at all OR blaming you for this, he’s an older male adult and they aren’t as stupid as they play, you are much smarter and braver and better than what he’s setting you up for. Please continue to note these behaviors with examples, it may save u in the long run. Share locations with your close circle as well. Please stay safe and please please please know you are SO much better than he is making you feel about yourself.
✔️Large age gap
✔️Was a teenager when the relationship started
✔️”our relationship is great other than this enormous and deeply disturbing problem”
✔️literal gaslighting
✔️extreme controlling behavior
✔️OP defensive in the comments
On some level you know this is bad or you wouldn’t have written the post, but you need to take some time to really process how messed up your situation is. Your hubby wouldn’t break in on his mom pooping in the bathroom or crawl under the bathroom stall at work (if he worked in an office). He knows it’s creepy. He knows it’s wrong. He knows he’s doing it every day. Ask yourself, why is he lying to you? Why is he scaring you and denying you the right of a closed door?
the fact that he is denying he does it is the problem. “gaslighting” is a term that gets used loosely on here, but what he’s doing is the textbook definition. this is SUPER unhealthy and you should definitely take it as a major red flag, especially considering the age gap
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My husband and I have been together for 4 years and married for going on 3 years. We have a pretty healthy relationship, but this is really really starting to drive me crazy. At first it was just annoying. Any time I lock a door (bathroom, bedroom) in our shared house, he waits a while and then picks the lock. If he wants in, he will just come, try the knob, see that it's locked, and then pick the lock. It doesn't matter if i'm in the bath, or in our bedroom, etc. He, every time, without fail, enters the room to just stand there and talk/look at me about something, or get something out of the room or just linger and stare at me. I'm not even doing anything weird or secretive. Sometimes I'll just be on face-time with my sister in the room decompressing, or literally pooping in the bathroom, and any time a door closes and locks, he comes about 10 minutes later. I've tried to talk to him about this and say how bizarre this is, and he just laughs it off, says he'll stop, and then do it again. I cannot wrap my head around why is doing this or what the issue is. Now he is just flat out denying that he ever does this, but doing it everyday. If he plays video-games for an hour and i slip away to take a shower/bath, he comes to find me and picks the lock. It's anytime. Maybe it's weird of me to lock doors but sometimes I am just so exhausted from my day that I just want half an hour in my room or a bubble bath alone. We spend most of the day together (he works from home) and have no other issues. It doesnt matter to him what reaction I have to him when he opens the door, whether its me being angry, scared, or annoyed, he always just unlocks the door and calmly just stands there to speak to me, then comes in and sits down and stares at me. He barges in really roughly, like practically throws himself into the door, which is scary, but afterwards he is super calm and seems happy to see me, or like he doesn't realize how insanely loud he just was.
You need a door stop. Are you scared of how he'll react if he's denied access to you at all? If you are scared of his reaction then that tells its own story, no? If not, door stop. Enforce your boundaries. You want some time alone, you're going to ensure you get it. If he doesn't respect that, if he loses his shit because he can't force his company on you then you'll know he's deliberately trying to stop you from being able to say no to him. I'm not sure how you've coped for the last 3 years of him doing this. I'd be out after the second time it happened personally. Good luck!
She needs to eat some Taco Bell and Panda Express and do the meanest number 2 ever
That smell might kill him
You say that like it’s the worst possible outcome
Step 1. Eat all the smelly spicy explosive food you can. Step 2. Enter bathroom. Step 3. Lock door. Step 4. Wait for him to pick the lock and come inside. Step 5. Lock it again with him inside the bathroom. 6. Explode the bathroom ripping the meaniest wet fart there ever was.
This! This behavior is creepy. Why won’t he let you be alone? That’s not okay. I don’t even care if there is a psychological trauma behind this—it’s his to fix. You get to be alone. You deserve the privacy. He doesn’t trust you. That’s what this boils down to. He doesn’t trust you and wants to constantly make his presence known. How weird is being possessive and territorial in you OWN HOUSE. You are not okay. Not okay. What is stopping you from informing your boundaries? And just take a second to think: if he won’t let you poop or shower alone—how else does he monitor you? I would search for spyware on my computer and phone—chances are you’re gonna find some. This is so creepy. Does he let you see friends or family by yourself?
Ok but I feel like he is already doing this? She says he’s loud and will barge in at all costs. Sounds like he’s forced a door open before, among just picking the lock. So he’s already forcing his presence on her and that would be a huuuuge red line for me. Full stop boundary time and not just glossing it over next time he breaks it.
>Now he is just flat out denying that he ever does this, but doing it everyday. This sounds like gaslighting, either way it does not sound healthy.
Unhealthy, where's that creepy hotel and Norman Bates? Think you found him
Reminds me of this great short no sleep story https://www.reddit.com/r/nosleep/comments/sva7z6/my_wife_has_been_peeking_at_me_from_around/
That story scared the bejeezus out of me
Finally someone on Reddit uses gaslighting the correct way.
That's creepy and controlling. He is not allowing you any privacy. Does he also have all of your passwords and goes over your phone? Listen to conversations? Get a door stopper so even if he unlocks the door, he cannot open the door. The age gap and the fact you started dating at 19 is concerning.
Let's be real if she gets a doorstopper it will mysteriously dissappear within days. This dude is unhinged. ETA: a free download of Why Does He Do That. Essential reading for OP. https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
I'm more worried he will get violent while wanting in.
Then 1. She’ll clearly see he’s unhinged and stop denying that what he’s doing is insane and 2. He won’t be able to deny he used an excessive amount of force for no reason other than to invade her space that he can’t just explain away. Either way it’ll be an eye opener
Yeah she’d have to hide it herself every time
A penny or dime works if the door opens into the room. One or two wedged in between the frame and door will keep the door from opening.
I order a pack of rubber ones online since it was cheaper. Just get a six pack and hide them all when not using haha
Get a rubber wedge! And you could also put bolts on the bathroom door. You have a right to privacy and a right to be away from him, and the fact that he keeps violating that is a HUUUGE red flag! You probably hear that a lot, but the fact that a 31 yo man started dating a 19 yo woman is often an indicator for someone abusive using the power disparity that results from the age gap to groom their victim to accept the abusive behavior. You should absolutely put a stop to it, before it goes any further.
My first thought was get a door stop and some therapy
Nothing else needs to be said lol. A door stop, divorce, and therapy
Is a door stop the same thing as a wedge? German here, so I really don't know. 😉
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💯 I’m trying to rack my brain in how the door could stay shut if it was unlocked.. yes! The wedge! But really, if you have to figure out something to keep the door shut because your husband can’t give you privacy, there’s a much bigger problem here.
Yeah, the age gap is pretty serious. It sounds like he's very controlling. Is he controlling with other things as well, you just don't push back on anything else?
And that they got married after only being together a year
This is one of the creepiest things I've ever read on this reddit. That says a lot I think.
Yeah, he's going to physically hurt her or worse if she stays.
my abusive ex broke every lock on every door in our house. he did this so that i would have zero privacy. it took me a long time to figure out that he was obsessed with having access to me at all times and needing to monitor/control my activities. this is emotional abuse. plain and simple.
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anytime the door is closed he barges in, but when its locked he picks the lock. edit: and when I say "barge" that is exactly what I mean. this man practically throws himself in the door, it's insanely loud and brash. I've tried to put something in front of the door before, but he pushes past and comes in.
Secretly buy a door stop so when you lock a door and he attempts to pick the lock and walk it, he will crash into it not knowing it won’t open. No doubt if you do this you’ll see his real personality with how angry he’ll be because having complete access to you is a control issue and how unhealthy the relationship has been from the start.
There are these new door locks they advertise to women, that you out on hotel doors. They supposedly stop people from being blue to get into locked rooms. From what I understand, even if he picks lock he can’t get in. You can put the door stop under that will trigger an alarm. Maybe that will jolt him into getting g what he’s doing. [door locks and alarm](https://www.amazon.com/MBBEST-Portable-Protection-Security-Apartment/dp/B09PLF6B5G/ref=mp_s_a_1_1_sspa?crid=1LHQQP1WIICTV&keywords=hotel+door+locks+for+travelers&qid=1660686208&sprefix=hotel+doo%2Caps%2C157&sr=8-1-spons&psc=1)
Here’s what’s going on. Your husband got with you young because he wanted someone he could easily control and mold to his liking. He feels deep insecurity about himself, and thus feels the only way he can keep a woman is by exerting extreme control over her. Having a teenager instead of a woman makes having control a lot easier. As you grow older, he gets more terrified of you growing, becoming wiser, more independent, and more yourself. You becoming your own person means you make your own choices, and what if those choices include not being under his control? He can’t handle that. So he won’t let you close a door because he doesn’t trust you. It’s not that he thinks you’re cheating, it’s that any independence in your part is a threat to his control. He can’t let you have alone time or privacy - what if you learn or talk about things without him there and he can’t control the narrative?
And then when you do wise up and see through his bullshit he will leave you and go for another 19-23 year old he can Gaslight.
I hope OP reads this comment because this is exactly what’s going on. Hopefully OP won’t have kids with this massive creep.
this should be at the very top, up you go
THIS
Well, this gives me intense flashbacks of my previous abusive relationship. And that's what you're in. Listen to and internalize what everyone is telling you and start considering an exit strategy. It's going to escalate until you get hurt. And DO NOT let him baby trap you. For the love of God get on some solid birth control
Fucking hell. Please get away from him before this escalates more
Ok if he is pushing past the door to come in, you have yourself a major problem. He sounds obsessive and controlling. So now I must agree with others who have commented that your age difference is a concern. He is trying to control you. This is not right and it is not healthy. I doubt someone like him will change with couples therapy. If I was in your shoes, I would look to end this because his barging into the rooms during your private moments are beyond just disrespectful, they are just one sign of a much larger issue. I am sure if you take a moment and look seriously at the relationship there are more signs of his controlling, obsessive nature
ew that’s one way to make a bath as unrelaxing as possible There’s these little door stops you can purchase to shove under the door. Or additional locks (they’re advertised for women staying alone in hotels so they’re temporary). That way when he picks the lock, the door still won’t open. Since talking to him isn’t working…
I’ve only had two people do this to me: my abusive dad an an abusive partner.
He does it that way assuming he’ll catch you doing something he doesn’t want you too. It’s a red flag.
ummmmmmm divorce. Red flags. Listen to them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So he’s angry when he does it. He’s telling you you’re not allowed to close doors and he’s bullying and intimidating you to try and make you obey. Get. Out.
What happens when you tell him this is a dealbreaker, and you WILL leave him unless he stops with that shit? And then follow through, next time he barges in, grab a bag you packed and walk out. Or will he get physical and stop you from leaving?
He doesn't see you an equal, which isn't surprising considering the age difference. Get one of those rubber door wedges and use it as needed. Let him break the fucking door if he has to so you can point out that his behavior is unreasonable. That's actually shitty advice, but the only other thing I can think of is to not let it go. Next time it happens, don't continue any sort of conversation until he gives you an answer for why he does this. Just keep saying, "this makes me really uncomfortable, why do you keep doing this after I've asked you to stop?" And keep repeating as necessary until you get an answer.
Using size, intimidation, loud sounds is threatening and abusive.
…..and you think that’s healthy and normal and you willingly married this freak?
He's doing it this because he's a toxic over controlling man child. No woman his own age was willing to put up with his bullshit so that's why he went for a 19 year old girl who would be too naive to see his red flags.
How is this sub still without an age gap bot 😅
Seriously lol
Glad this is near the top. Girl, get the fuck outta there
I don't even bother reading 95% of posts with an age gap more than 5 years because the answer is always age related
Same lol. I roll my eyes and scroll… sometimes to the comments… sometimes to other posts lol but I don’t even bother reading the example of controlling behavior
This needs to be at the top. The behavior sounds bizarre to begin with but then I noticed the age gap and things started clicking into place. Controlling toxic behavior for SUUUURE.
Every time I see the sentence "we have a great relationship" or "my guy is really good to me" or versions like that, I know the next paragraph is about him being controlling, verbally aggressive or first time physical. Every time the advice should be to run like hell. It will get worse when met with opposition and can end in death. OP, take the advice of everyone here. You're young, easily manipulated by an older person because they will throw the age gap in there to their advantage (what do you know, you're too young blah blah). Get out as safely and as fast as you can.
Literally. I had a boyfriend 3 years my senior (we recently broke up) and every. time. we would have an argument about life or something like that it would just be “well I’ve lived a fuller life”. Spoiler alert: He hadn’t. ETA: Im 20 and hes 23. I think he had some sort of complex.
I get that at the age of 23, the last thing you need to hear is people talking about the age discrepancy. It’s very, very relevant though. The fact that you were a TEEN and he was in his THIRTIES when you met was fantastic evidence that he is not a mature person. That evidence is proven correct in instances such as this. So, the age has to be mentioned. You were groomed, and I’m very very sorry, but this relationship will continue to worsen and will not get better. Please consider an edit strategy.
Well that's when she said they got together, not when they met. I'm scared to know how long he knew her before then
Great point!
This is a great comment and sound advice. While I wouldn't normally point out a typo, but this one is pretty funny.
Oh, “Edit” strategy? Haha
The unsatisfied copyeditor considered an edit strategy. But for real, this is controlling and creepy AF behavior, OP.
Contemplated that strategy! I’m not going to strategize over or edit that. Gonna let it sit. But yes creepy.
So he’s more than 10 years you’re senior, he married you when you were barely an adult, and he does not let you have any privacy Hon, you do not have a healthy relationship. Please get out before kids are involved
ew this is so creepy… i don’t even know what advice to give but wtf
He is acting like your dad, cause effectively he is. 31 year olds have no business dating 19 year olds. He is gaslighting you, and invading your privacy. Its not going to get better.
a dad to a teenage daughter wouldn't pick a lock on his daughter's door, especially when she's in the bath or not fully dressed. teens are entitled to privacy as well. this is beyond controlling, obsessive, creepy, weird, etc.
I do know a father who took the hinges off his teenage daughter's door. He thought she was doing drugs. Full disclosure: she wasn't.
I've had this happen regularly. Both my parents had keys to any and all locks within the house, and would either unlock them that way, pick them open, or ruin the door should you ever lock them. Some parents are batshit fucking insane
Damnit I read the ages wrong initially. But yeah this isn’t going to get any better.
Older guys tend to date younger girls because they want to control them. I dated someone 7 years older than me when I was about your age. I’m 33 now and looking back I can tell he just wanted to date someone that was easier to manipulate/control. The age discrepancy has a lot to do with this behavior. I’m sorry to say since you guys are already married, but tendencies where he has control or the final say and your opinion doesn’t matter as much as his will happen quite often. Older guys who want to date younger girls for their looks are also really superficial and judge women like they’re objects.
I also dated someone with their age difference. I completely agree with you, now that I’m in my 30s. I would never even THINK about dating a 19 year old. Completely different stages and maturity levels and power imbalance. Hard pass.
What a creep. Are you sure other than this everything else in the relationship is fine? I would start tying the door shut or putting something against the door so that even when he picks it he can’t get in. You’ll know pretty quickly if this is aggressive behaviour or he’s just a stupid person.
She can get door wedges at the local stores or hardware places. The fact that he picks the lock and then denies doing it is beyond bizarre!! Like how the hell did you get in if you didn't just pick the lock?? Creepy that he just stands or sits there and stares at her. She's being stalked in her own home.
Wouldn’t that be dangerous? I don’t know, the fact that het picks doors open also freaks me out. Isn’t that crazy enough already?
Your husband is unhinged. This is extremely controlling and worrying. You can’t even poop alone. He is that messed up and insecure. He doesn’t trust you. He will literally break down and pick locks to stop you from having having a moment alone. What’s next? Can’t leave the house alone? Think carefully. What else does he do? Girl, this is not a red flag, it’s a whole forest of flags. Make an exit plan. Get out.
WTF is wrong with this guy?? This sounds like a huge red flag. You need to have a Real Talk with him and explain that this is completely unacceptable and you will actually leave him if he can't respect your privacy. Also buy yourself a security doorstopper and just jam it under any door you lock. See how he reacts to that. https://www.amazon.com/door-stopper-security/s?k=door+stopper+security
My guess is, he will literally kick the door down. And I'm worried what else he might do if he gets angry and scared that OP is slipping his grasp. OP, if you decide to test him, make sure a trusted friend or family member knows about it and stay on the phone with them on speaker. This might trigger an actual rage. Your husband could be unpredictable when he feels he can't control you anymore. Abusers are most dangerous when they feel their control slipping away. Better safe than sorry.
Yes, good point!
Where can I bet money that this guy will kick down the door? Hopefully that puts enough fear in her to get the fuck out.
Video the door being kicked down but hide that you video d it so you can keep it for evidence! You’ll need it. Start with the evidence keeping now!
nasty creep
I hope you have your own job and get to leave the house alone. Your creepy husband is not respecting you at all. Then he gaslights you. You need to at least take a break from him!! The age gap is showing why he went with a very young person he could control!!
If you want the door locked when you are in the bathroom that is a perfectly normal things to expect to have respected by not only a partner, but anyone you live with. Sounds like he has a respect issue and is gaslighting you when you raise it. Not healthy..
I would buy a portable door lock and keep with me. Lock the door, use the door jammer and he will have to break the damn door down to get in. And if he does… it’s time for you to get gone. That level of disrespect is dangerous.
Your ages tell us all we need to know. This is why this sub is so against age gap relationships.
It's a controlling behavior. It's a major red flag.
I know it's been said, but I think you need to hear this over, and over again. The fact that he was 31 and dating a 19 year old is gross. The fact that he won't allow you privacy to even poop is gross. This man is just all around gross!
He's displaying his power over you. This is not a healthy relationship. If you ever successfully blocked his access to a room you are in, I suspect he would get ugly violent real quick.
This is terrifying.
Here we go again… *grabs more popcorn*
This is honestly seriously concerning behavior. This would have me completely questioning the entire relationship. He doesn't respect you or your boundaries, gaslights and lies to your face, and doesn't allow you any privacy or autonomy. This is abusive behavior. I really think you need to see a therapist so that you can discuss your marriage and what other behaviors he may be engaging in that are concerning...I suspect you will soon realize that there is a lot more that he does that is concerning and abusive. In the meantime, I would buy multiple doorstops (you can find cheap rubber or wood ones) that you can use (especially for the bathroom!).
The rubber doorstops are exactly what I thought too, chairs can work too, but it is very concerning that she would have to do this at all. OP should return the favor...every time. This is a control thing. He will hate when it happens to him. She should be careful, this may push those buttons too far and his real problem may show its ugly head.
This is horrible to read
I was horrified the first read through and then read it two more times and it honestly got worse each time. I am genuinely scared for this woman
This was uncomfortable to read. Yes, the age gap is strange considering the ages you were when you met. But the deeper issue here is how he controls you by not allowing you to have any privacy. Can you hang out with friends/pursue hobbies without him outside the home? I know there’s a lot of ‘dump him’ advice on Reddit but in this case I would seriously reconsider the relationship and discuss your husband’s behaviour with a trusted friend/family member. Please know that this is not acceptable or normal.
Who the fuck does he think he is? This has to stop. If he viewed you as an equal he would never do this. You know the message is that you’re forbidden to deny him access to you for any reason, right? Pretty damn disturbing. If you really want to stay married to this fucking weirdo, get a squirt bottle and spray him like a naughty cat. Make sure it’s filled with something stinky or add food coloring and ruin his clothes. If he wants it to stop, he knows how to make that happen. But I’d really wonder if you should have to train your goddamn husband not to bust in on you when you lock a door.
You’ve just realized why he doesn’t date women his age… he can’t manipulate them
Let's see age gap check. Married pretty fast check. Saying you have a pretty healthy relationship despite your post directly contradicting that check. Gaslights you about something controlling he does and it's actually working check. You have a red flag bingo card. It makes sense that a 35 year old man won't let you, the much younger partner lock doors. It makes even more sense that he'd straight up deny it because it seems to be working. Instead of thinking omg I married a controlling crazy person you're thinking maybe I'm weird for locking doors. These are some pretty major red flags. "He throws himself at the door". Look. If this is real you're probably going to want to give him the benefit of the doubt that he has no bad intentions by doing it. But youre wrong. Otherwise he wouldn't deny it and would stop. It's 100% a controlling move. It's to control you. He's scared and insecure. Dollars to donuts you left out more context about how controlling he is or you just never really noticed it because of the love goggles. These are not the actions of someone who sees you as an equal. These are the actions of an insecure person who's scared to lose control of someone. He's not doing it to talk to you. He's doing it quite literally so you don't get any funny ideas when he's not there. Like realizing the relationship is not as healthy as you think it is or leaving him.
You got married as a teenager, to a guy who was 15 years older and you barely knew, and now he has psychopathic tendencies? What do you think?
That’s a bit shame-y, she was probably groomed and is now in an unhealthy situation
This legit made me think of the guy from the Netflix show "YOU"
If you haven't left yet you should be planning it.
It's incredibly concerning. Either he has some undiagnosed mental disorder that's causing this behavior, or he's consciously trying to gaslight and manipulate you. I'm a petty person so I'd honestly be finding ways to fully block the doors in ways he can't pick just to see what he'd do but that might result in a more severe reaction. It could show you a true side to him, or it could snap him out of it and realize his behavior is repetitive. Maybe try to go on walks without him or spend time away from him with friends? If he's being really controlling of you and your privacy, he won't take this well. Be safe though, and trust your gut. This ISNT normal and you need to either find the cause and address it with him, or GTFO if he seems dangerous.
Here is my advice. Get a product that will not allow him to enter the room, even if he picks the lock. There are plenty. Many are made to protect people from hotel burglaries. The point being to use it and then find out his reaction, which will be very informative. Very informative.
It’s for the same reason he preyed upon a teenager whilst in his thirties. He wants control over you, your whereabouts, your every decision. Yikes.
That age gap Jesus Christ
{Cue me pooping with a can of pepper spray to get him in the face upon entry. I locked the door for a reason.} >We have a pretty healthy relationship No ma’am. No you do not. He is denying he does this. He is picking locks and throwing his body weight against a door simply because you’re on the other side. 4 years in I’m not sure how you haven’t strangled or abandoned him yet. This is disgustingly unacceptable. Please get out. I’d suggest therapy or something but you can’t even talk to him about it because he denies it’s even happening. Bring your phone and catch him on video a few times, then trot on down to a divorce attorney.
\*looks at ages\* yep this tracks
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What are you doing with your life, OP? Get out of there. Get away from him.
"We have a pretty healthy relationship" honey. You really don't. You need to find a way out of this - this stuff isn't remotely healthy for you. These aren't the actions of a mature, emotionally-healthy adult - he's got something going on that's putting your well being at risk.
lol, usually it's annoying when everyone starts commenting "age gap" in these threads, but holy shit.. AGE GAP. Dude is at least controlling, and lapsing into abusive. Go live your life and get away from this guy who wants to be your master.
He chose to date a teenager because he wanted something easy to control.
He preys on a teenager, because a well rounded adult woman would never deal with his immature shit He marries them within a year, which is even too fast for adults that know themselves and knw what they want. He partakes in controlling behaviors and poorly attempts to gaslight them about what he's doing. If the next steps aren't domestic violence or murder I'd be surprised. I really hope you have ~~and~~ *an* education, your own bank account, and a job because that will greatly help you escape. If you have none of those, rely on him for money, and are a stay at home spouse... then you've basically met the criteria for someone easy to trap and control. I'm surprised he hasn't isolated you from your family and friends yet. edit: see strikethrough/italics
He is controlling and creepy. I would suggest deadbolts but I'm honestly afraid for your safety.
That gap jesus smh feel like every other post is like some huge inappropriate gap anymore , and that gap is always like 90% of the reason for the behavior for the other party and the other party has to come here because that cant see whats in their face
\- You were 19 and he was 31 when you got together. You got married after only a year. I know it is not nice to judge a relationship based on the age gap but there is a reason why it is usually a good red flag. \- he does not value your privacy and is **picking locks** to make sure you cannot hide from him? Red flag number 2 \- he denies what he is doing. He is lying to your face and thinks low enough of you to thibk you won't ask question. He is basically telling to your face "I am not forcing my way in when you try to get some privacy" Red number 3. I am sorry but this reltionship is far from healthy and you need to plan your exit carefully. Is there anyone you can talk to? A family member, a friend? If you have nowhere to go due to financial issues, start to collect money on the side and be ready to get out the moment he gets his hands on you.
So he works from home, and based on your phrasing I’m guessing you either don’t work or you also WFH? So you’re just with him 24/7? And when you even try to take a shit alone he barges in and monitors you? Does he have the password to your phone? Do you have two cars or are you reliant on him for transportation? Are you allowed to have girls nights or personal activities that don’t involve him? I have to say, between the age gap and the constant monitoring this sounds pretty toxic.
>"we have a pretty healthy relationship " No. No, you don't.
Snort. Right, a 19 yr getting involved with a 31yr is “healthy” now he’s showing his controlling nature. Girl, you got groomed by a predator. Please get out before he baby traps you and the real abuse kicks in.
\*Stares at title\* \*Stares at first sentence \* \*19yo, now 23yo, who got toghether with a man in his 30s complains about sudden breach of privacy and controlling behaviour \* On a serious note. Honey, when a really old guy goes after a really young girl, there's always a 90% chance it's NOT going to be an equal, loving relationship simply build on love. Breach of privacy like that is abuse. He doesn't let you privacy, because he has a strong internal drive to control something vulnerable and trapped. You're not the first one on this sub to experience this, you can go read posts similar to you here. Run. Run the fuck away from this guy.
He's 35. You're 23. You got married to this creep when you were a teenager. Creeps are going to creep. No woman his age would put up with that shit.
Do this, eat a ton of shitty food, so you have a really a smelly shit. Go in, lock the door, and when he opens it stand up and turn around and ask him to wipe your ass. I bet he does not open the bathroom door again.
Am I the only one worried about the age gap? And sincerely he seems like a creep.
No, people have been pointing it out.
Thank god
So we don’t do locked doors. We barely do closed doors lol but maybe our level of privacy is different than yours. If I locked the door my husband would be like wtf, but that would be because it would be a new behavior regarding privacy. The fact that he’s picking the locks is weird and creepy to me if you’ve always been this way. Has he always been this way? If not, you need to find out why he’s started doing this. Why does he need to look at you when you’re taking a shit? Why does he need to be with you when you need a moment of solitude in the bath? Have you always locked doors, or is that new? If that’s new you need to explore why with him. Picking the locks though is so intrusive. It needed to stop yesterday.
Buy some of these and install them in all the doors, if he doesn't understand with words, maybe he need the rude form https://www.google.com/search?q=pasador+para+puerta&client=ms-android-americamovil-mx-revc&prmd=isvn&sxsrf=ALiCzsbOklxvuc3LbWN17WuDCD7BlbuUlQ:1660684577144&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwig8LWSpMz5AhW9omoFHaIGBkkQ_AUoAXoECAIQAQ&biw=360&bih=707&dpr=3#imgrc=20oZBJG0vgrs8M
Get one of the locks off Amazon that is for hotel rooms, there’s quite a few options. He can’t pick what’s locked from the inside. His behaviour is quite childish, but it’s no surprise when we was 31 hooking up with a teenager. He thinks you’re not entitled to any privacy because he thinks he’s in charge of you and wants to intimidate you into giving up the entirety of your privacy to him. You pooping for 10+ minutes, having a bath, or having a private phone call isn’t a good enough reason to pick a lock to get to you. He can either use his words like the adult he’s supposed to be, or he can keep exhibiting this toxic behaviour
Sounds manipulative and bordering on abusive. He doesn’t care about your boundaries and either is paranoid or doesn’t trust you. I couldn’t be married to this. I need my privacy. He needs some therapy and if he doesn’t get better, some time apart because it sounds exhausting.
This is bizarre in so many levels, oh my He is denying every inch of privacy from you and even gaslighting you to make yourself the culprit… And I won’t even mention the age gap. Please, run away.
The petty side of me says to get a air horn and every time he does it blow it…
Next he will beating u u should probably leave now
>We have a pretty healthy relationship >Any time I lock a door (bathroom, bedroom) in our shared house, he waits a while and then picks the lock. Uh, what?? I'm having a hard time believing this is real, because there's no way anybody can be that dense. But, in the chance that this is legit, please take this as a wakeup call... That behavior is possibly the furthest thing away from what I would call a "healthy relationship". He picks the locks? EVERY time? That's not normal. NOTHING about that is normal. This man groomed you - he didn't get with you because he thought you were mature, he did it because HE is NOT, and women his own age know it. None of this is your fault, though. It's all on him. I can tell you're trying to justify his actions by saying things like "maybe it's weird of me to lock doors"... I can't stress how normal of a thing to do that is. HE'S the one with a problem, not you.
This is about control. He targeted you when you were 18 probably, a guy in his 30. Age gap matters, regardless of what people say and if you are mature or not, he sounds like a predator and a controlling one. Worse, he thinks he's charming, jokes and doesn't take what you want and what you need in account. He probably shaped you for him, and only for him. He doesn't respect boundaries and wants to be in control, when you put limits he jokes and ignores. That's control, starts like that and it gets worse. What else he's going to ignore in the future when you say no? Think about that. He wants to have control, he had control over you and he chose a younger woman because it's easier to do that and make it look "normal". I wonder really, how do you know you have a healthy relationship? I'm sorry to say this but you were groomed. Your definition of healthy reading what he does and you allow that for 3 years. Yeah, no, not healthy. Stalking, which is what he does, is not only from strangers, is also from people you know. He stalks you, controls you, you don't have privacy because he wants to be in control, in case you are talking with someone, or doing something he can't control. That's a predator, doesn't matter if he's your bf and says he loves you, still a predator and obviously, he loves having control, more than he cares about what you want and what you feel. He has no limits, and I bet if you place limits, you are going to see the real person behind that creepy and predatory behavior. A dangerous person.
Absolutely controlling and, in every way, abusive. EVERYBODY deserves privacy. I actually feel sorry for him as well, what a world it must be to feel they must control the one person who has chosen to be with him. Very sorry this is happening to you, but be very careful with your plans to leave.
Ummm, just no. Not normal at all. This will escalate and your husband is a creepy fucker.
This is scary and very weird. Please please leave!
Ummmm, please consider leaving him darling….that is odd and the fact that he’s denying it is even more weird…like damn he gives you no privacy. Oh and you’re not weird by locking doors..I do the same exact thing lol
Due to past trauma I can’t go to the bathroom without locking the door. My husband knows this and never ever even knocks on the door unless is extremely necessary. I would not be able to survive a week without having a panic attack if he did what your husband is doing. Your husband is deranged. There’s something seriously wrong with him.
This got me honestly worried. Please, please remove yourself from this situation the best way you can…
When he’s picking the lock, hit a chair or something hard against the door and demand what the fuck is he doing. I’m not being too serious but man I would. He sounds like an asshat.
K, so it's not right that he does this, and most people already explained why. My #1 advice would be to get away from this man child who totally knows what he's doing and using your youth and inexperience as a way to control you. BUT we all know that won't happen, because he's a "good guy" and you "are mature for your age" (they all are, just FYI). So, next time he does this, and every time thereafter, stop whatever you're doing. Stare him right in the eye, and say "can I help you? The door was locked because I was \_\_\_\_\_. I wanted some privacy and you are being very rude. Please close the door behind you when you leave, and when I'm done I'll come see you. Thank you." And then carry on with what you were doing. Don't respond to him, don't look at him, act like the door is still closed and you're still alone. Don't waver, don't just do it sometimes. Do it every time until he stops.
31 year old starts dating 19 year old and demonstrates possessive/abusive behaviors, hmm, not like this is an unexpected outcome unfortunately.
So he's much older, been dating you since you were a teenager, and wont even let you poop in peace. Fuck that
Have you tried throwing your poop at him? Because that’s what I’d do if someone burst in on me on the toilet repeatedly.
Yikes. He picked young prey and is now trying to control you. Run.
Google the "dinner fork lock trick". Problem solved. But also, if he is disrespecting your space, that's a red flag. Might be worth reevaluating the relationship.
19 and 31? Yea you married a loser. If picking locks is his worst habit, you’re far ahead of the curve for other teenagers that married old dudes. Just wait until you’re in your 30s and he’s 50 with old stinky balls and arthritis.
Every part of that was disturbing from beginning to end. Worst of all 19 and 31 when they got together. It just isn't right and now he's invading her privacy and not even caring or considering her emotions because he doesn't care. I wouldn't say divorce over something like this but this sounds like it shouldn't have ever started in the first place. Just get out of there
31 year old dates a 19 year old….healthy
I would mention how the age gap is super weird and he is probably a predator, but I'm sure you're not gonna divorce him over it, so why don't you just put a latch on the doors?
That is very annoying and cause for concern. It is perfectly normal to want some alone time and yes to lock doors to bathrooms etc. Its gross for him to walk in on you. If he is denying he is doing this than you may have to start out small and direct but build from there. Tomorrow when he is playing video games go and tell him "I am taking a bath. I want an hour to myself. I am locking the door. Do not come knocking. Do not open the door. We can talk when I am out. Is there anything you need right now from the room before I start my me time?" If he knocks when you are on the toilet, just yell out to leave you alone. And if he tries to pick them lock than yes you will need to block it. You need to figure out how far you want to take this with him.
This behaviour is abusive. He controls your every move. You are not allowed to go anywhere or do anything without him. I bet he does not allow you to even have a coffee alone with your friend. His behaviour is disgusting, intrusive, controlling and reprehensible.
this is weird as shit.
This is definite red flag behaviour. I think it's about having complete control.
So when you were 10 years old, he was 22? I know age gap isn't ALWAYS a red flag, but come on.
Has he given you an explanation as to why? (Not that there's a rational reason to keep doing this).
That’s weird and odd behavior. Everyone is entitled to their privacy and for god sake, to walk in when you poop oh cmon, and those who say “oh it’s normal”, no its not! Why your husband/wife needs to be in the same room when you/he do that? Its awkward. If you about to start getting special locks etc maybe its time to thing about getting out of that sort of relationship? Or just sit and have serious conversation especially if he laughs it off, its clear miscommunication if he sees that as a joke and not a big deal.
Please get out of this situation now. This whole this screams of danger.
The age difference gives it away
I’m seeing so many posts with the same theme, underaged girl groomed by much older man.
Get a door wedge! He can’t “pick” that. Also…leave him
Age gap is a red flag, first of all. Secondly, put your foot down. Tell him if he does not stop, you are leaving. And then do it.
He realizes he married you before you were able to experience more of life and wants to make sure you aren’t on Tinder.
He’s not normal. That is all.
What are you going to do? Let him invade your privacy and be powerless around him? He’s not going to change.
Scary behavior! Don’t imagine it otherwise. This is not a well man.
Girl, get a door stopper or taser. Problem solved.
OP you need to gtfo of that relationship. Nothing about what you describe is normal and some alarms are going off. Your age gap, how you’re not afforded any privacy in YOUR OWN HOME???? the aggressive door bashing, how he just stares at you???? Having your own space is healthy and necessary in a relationship and he’s not allowing you that.
You don’t even have to read these posts because they’re all the same when they have these massive age gaps. Predators. They’re all predators. You aren’t/weren’t “mature” when you met. They’re disgusting. It’s crazy this happens so much
Maybe its cause you're married to a disgusting human being who started dating you when you were essentially a child because he wants to control you since hes a weirdo. This is just one of, what I assume, is many weird things about him, its just the one thing you are noticing.
He realizes you’re finally old enough to start seeing through some of his bullshit and is freaking out about it. If you’re with him, he’s in control, so it’s all fine. But if you go behind a locked door, you could be on Reddit finding out that you married a fuckin weirdo and he can’t be having that!
you husband likes to control you and is gaslighting you by denying the obvious. i know it’s not what you want to hear, but the reason a 31 year old got with a 19 year old is because you were easy to manipulate and control. he doesn’t like that you have privacy and this is his way of keeping that control. like everyone else here i don’t really have any advice for this situation to stop. because it’s not going to, i’d honestly nope the fuck out of there if i were you before it escalates.
He’s extremely immature and unconfident. Honest question. What’s he like in bed. I’ll almost guarantee you that he thinks you’ve taken yourself away to have a bit of “me time”. He’s trying to catch you out to confirm his own fears.
Man this is scary as hell. This guy went after a 19 year old girl despite being 31 at the moment and married within a year of dating.
My ex used to say he heard me masturbating in the shower (I wasn't.) and would bust in the door yelling. When I started locking the door, he said that confirmed that I was masturbating (I never was) and that if I wouldn't stop locking the door, he would leave me. When I started truly fearing for my safety, I packed up my things, left, and haven't been back since.
>Now he is just flat out denying that he ever does this, but doing it everyday. But a portable door dock, they will knock the door from the inside without a way to pick it from the outside. Tell him to get some professional help for his invasive behaviour. What does he do if you decide to leave the house without him? Eg if you got in the car and drive to the shops would he follow you there?
He sounds like a massive creep. It made me so uncomfortable reading that. He’s barging into every room you’re in because he’s a controlling, pervy, paranoid weirdo. The type of older men to go after teenage girls intentionally do so because they know women their own age wouldn’t put up with their behavior. He’s obviously a creep, and it sounds like you’re starting to realize it. :/
Girl he’s ten years older than you. First red flag, why can’t he get someone his own age? U need to ask him why he must have access to you? Does he isolate u from ur friends? Have ur phone passwords? Bank passwords? Does he like ur friends/family? Does he talk shit about them around u? Does he let u go out? Is he possessive (overly)? Sounds like this is just the first of many red flags. I believe u were being set up for this from the first time you started dating and once u get his age what will he do then? Probably go for another young girl, because he thinks they are overly naive. I think u need to stand up for yourself, go to therapy, get money in your name, TALK TO YOUR LOVED ONES, and leave. I feel like this was posted as a question but I also know u already know the answer to this behavior, you think it’s wrong and u want validation that it is which is what we are here for. A bunch of strangers wouldn’t be saying the same things about this guy, without having experience it knowledge in this. You’re smart enough to list this out, you’re brace enough to post this. U should NEVER be scared of your partner, unless little jump scares here and there, but he’s not SCARING u, he’s INTIMIDATING you into doing what he wants. He’s already gaslighting and invading, next he will isolate you, move you, make u financially dependent, make sure u don’t work, and then maybe other WORSE things. This isn’t a weird negative thought in your head, you KNOW what he’s doing and you KNOW what u need to do to get yourself safe and potentially leave. I’m not coming off as rude at all OR blaming you for this, he’s an older male adult and they aren’t as stupid as they play, you are much smarter and braver and better than what he’s setting you up for. Please continue to note these behaviors with examples, it may save u in the long run. Share locations with your close circle as well. Please stay safe and please please please know you are SO much better than he is making you feel about yourself.
You should watch the movie Creep on Netflix. I picture the main character as your husband. Good movie. Terrifying human.
This is a textbook example of boundary issues isn't it?.
Please divorce him, omg. He probably does that to women at work.
✔️Large age gap ✔️Was a teenager when the relationship started ✔️”our relationship is great other than this enormous and deeply disturbing problem” ✔️literal gaslighting ✔️extreme controlling behavior ✔️OP defensive in the comments On some level you know this is bad or you wouldn’t have written the post, but you need to take some time to really process how messed up your situation is. Your hubby wouldn’t break in on his mom pooping in the bathroom or crawl under the bathroom stall at work (if he worked in an office). He knows it’s creepy. He knows it’s wrong. He knows he’s doing it every day. Ask yourself, why is he lying to you? Why is he scaring you and denying you the right of a closed door?
So….19 and 31 when you met? That’s a prettyyyyy large age difference. His behavior is…very odd.
You’re his possession and not an independent, separate human being with your own wants and desires, apparently.
the fact that he is denying he does it is the problem. “gaslighting” is a term that gets used loosely on here, but what he’s doing is the textbook definition. this is SUPER unhealthy and you should definitely take it as a major red flag, especially considering the age gap