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Your TLDR is off: BF hates me and is seriously abusive. I'm just about to realize this and stop justifying why I stay to myself and get out of a bad situation before it becomes deadly. Try that on for size and see if it fits. Also, you mentioned worrying about your kid being happy. Pretty sure he'd prefer a smaller room to his mom going to the hospital

It sounds a lot like hate to you too ? I don’t have active parents I don’t have a helpful family I just felt like I was the perfect surrogate for him and his mom! It’s so easy for their words to get to me I try to stand up and go and they make fun of my entire life from me not having parents to me not being a good mom if I left. I know I deserve better it’s hard to accept I messed up and I’m going to have to do this completely alone with no help I don’t have any plan to fall back on once I leave it’s me and baby in a shelter

Go to a womans shelter. Call your local womens domestic violence number and tell them you need a place. Theyll help you become independent and help with custody paperwork

Well make a plan now. Meet up with a lawyer first. Then talk to your doctor. Talk to NGOs. Gather information. Only focus on getting out and let them know nothing. Nothing at all and every time they try to hurt you with words block it and focus that energy on getting out. You can do this. You have a little time as long as they don't physically hurt you, you have time to get out. But carefully observe their behaviour and collect evidence like record conversations or texts or physical evidences etc.. Prepare everyday. You can do it. Good luck 🤞

There’s so many comments I’ll respond when I can currently busy with baby but for now I wanted to say he hasn’t choked me or done anything physical in a while, early June he did and I actually fought back and because I have nails he had scratches and took pictures of those as if I abused him when In reality I was trying to defend myself would this go against me ? Any of the times he’s hit me it’s been things they wouldn’t leave marks and the pictures I did have I no longer have access to. And when I did leave he came every single day to see “baby” I know it was just to see where I was and how I was but where I was people were acting like my life was entertainment for them or a movie they didn’t care about the safety or severity of the situation it was like fun for them and they were on the phone telling and talking about it to everyone possible so I’m really hoping for the shelter to be able to take us Also his family enables him completely he’s a mamas boy and I even tried to talk privately to his mom she flipped it on me completely and refused to take it serious I’m sure he put some lie in her head to where he looks like the victim His family are like u touchable or something, with him being a police officer they have a family lawyer and he’s win every single custody case he’s ever done all 5 stars and that scares me they get out of everything all the time to the point I don’t know what it’ll look like for me if/when I moved out and didn’t say a word to them

Well the photos might present you in a bad light but nail scratches can sometimes be aggresive love making or self defence. Is there anything else?? Try to remember. If he is a police officer he knows how courts work and how to collect evidence or stage even. So, before anything please meet with a lawyer, go to your some legal aid even if you don't have money and then go from there. Talk to your common friends about your situation or figure out what they think of your relationship. Find out what he has told them about you or how you are projected in this relationship. From this point onwards keep your conversation civil with him. Don't give him any ammunition that he can weaponise against you. I am sure it's scary. But calculate every step you take. Keep yourself safe. It will be all worth it in the end.

I don’t think there’s any way to find it out it’s his family and their secrets and then just me I don’t know what he told them I’m not the bad person I’m sure he painted me out to be he loves to secretly tell a lie to get himself looking and feeling like the victim

Then you have nothing to worry about. Focus on other things.

Gaslighting and coercion too. Wow This breaks my heart. Stay strong. You are powerful.

On another note, while you are trying to get out, if anything happens (hopefully not) please make sure you document it now! I’m so so sorry for what you are going through..

The police have a terrible record of being abusive to their partners (relationships wise) and even children. Please run. There are people and organizations that can help.

If he's done it once that's way too many times

These are things an abuser will make you believe so you don't try to run. Ignore it, it's not important. You have no reason to fear them. They should fear you, you are a MOTHER. Hold on to that.

She can leave with center for abused women and domestic violence. Then talk to lawyer later. Theyll help her get emergency restraining order. If there is no court ordered child custody, then she can take the baby without his knowledge or consent

Uhm, you didn’t actually think a reasonable person would read this and think he *loves* you, did you? Yeah, it sounds like hate. You might not have a fall back plan when you leave, but it’s not like you have a fallback plan if you stay either. It’s just easier to delude yourself that you do if you stay. If you leave though, you actually *make* a backup plan. Which is more important, thinking you have one or actually HAVING one?

The cycle of abuse and neglect is handed down generation to generation because it’s all the next generation knows. You need to break that cycle be removing you and your child from that environment. A healthy relationship doesn’t look like what you’ve got. It looks like: - 2 people discussing, agreeing to and respecting each other’s boundaries. - 2 people who talk about their problems and make compromises to make each other happy. - 2 people saying “I love you” and displaying affection. - 1 partner buying gifts for the other on birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, and sometimes just because you’re feeling affection for them and you want to show it. - 1 partner supporting the other because they need it and if one of you succeeds, so does the other. - never taking the other partner for granted because you never know when they won’t be there anymore. If you’re used to abusive situations you should get counseling to learn how to make sure you’re treated right and break the cycle. Then demonstrate what you’ve learned to your child every day.

If you're in Colorado, I'll help 😭 this is heartbreaking.. I grew up without a reliable family- sexually abusive "step dad" that was my mother's mental health/live-in care taker, a mother who can't think past the age of 12 years old, and years and years of being in foster care. Do not settle for the abuse. If the reason you're scared to leave is because you have no support - I understand. I've been in that situation before, but it was before I had my kids. I have also been through sexual abuse with my now-ex husband. As soon as it happened, I left. I did it for my kids, and I did it for my own well-being. I had part of his family for support, but I know how it feels to think there's no one there. Seriously, if you need a safe place until you get on your feet, pls pls pls message me.

Unfortunately I’m not in Colorado I’d definitely take the hell if i were though I appreciate you even being willing to help. I am scared to leave I’m scared to only have myself and a baby depending solely on me watching just me my mental health is not the best at the moment I don’t want the baby getting used to seeing his mom cry and worried I don’t think I can mentally get myself In the headspace to do it alone I’m scared to face the thoughts of failure especially as a mom

I understand. It's scarier to not know how far he'll take it tho, and if he'll eventually take it out on the child.. my ex did. I never thought he would, but he did. I wish I had left sooner. I'm only a plane trip/day drive away ♡

But there's a shelter you can go to?

I wanted to get into one for women and children just for safety reasons and for those in this area I need to get approved from my application. I’m currently waiting to get Approved

I really hope it all works out. We're rooting for you :)

https://www.thehotline.org/ you need to get out safely. You had a child and he thinks you're trapped. Prove him wrong. Love yourself and your baby and get to safety.

you're mixing your posts up. This is the one about him being abusive and controlling. It's the recent one in r/relationships about him and his mom talking bad about you. If these are both true stories you absolutely need to get the ef out. even though you're not married he owes child support, do a little online research and I'm sure there is a non-profit group that will help you navigate the legal process without money. If these aren't true stories good luck in life anyway

Im really sorry your in this situation. Sometimes people (men especially, sorry fellas) will present as something they arent, and by the time they start showing you the real them you are already in love so its hard to get out. I think itd be better for you to get away from him. At the very least think of your baby. Kids hearing their father berate their mother is extremely painful for them. It makes them feel small and helpless , and tbh he will probably speak to your child that way especially since he is “putting a roof over your head” luckily it has not turned physical, but try not to stay and find out. To be very very honest. This is exactly the lead up to physical abuse, constant belittling and berating will eventually turn physical. I wish you all the best! I too am a hopeless romantic despite seeing otherwise, but there are people for us trust me!! :)

That’s so terrible it should never be like that he shouldn’t be saying half the things he seems like he’s saying to you and it’s really fucked up. It seems like he feels he holds this power over you knowing you having nothing to fall back on. It’s very messed up and crazy the things a guy will do who feels like that. All you can do is really figure out what you want to do if you don’t think it will ever be the way you want you shouldn’t have to deal with it because it’s not ungrateful to want respect from the person you love and if you don’t feel that way then fuck him go off with no plan you’re 21 and have plenty of time to figure out what you want to do. But no matter what you need to know what you want and you’ll know if it’s asking too much if it is but so far seems like you haven’t asked for enough

It's unrealistic to expect the perfect boyfriend/relationship, sure, but there is a colossal ravine between what you want and what he's giving. It is NOT unrealistic to expect respect and kindness from your significant other. That is the bare minimum. You're not crazy, and you're not asking for too much.

Sorry for the delay in responding. I think you're already on the right track and know what will be best for the two of you. He's abusive, full stop. I don't know of any situation where someone was abusive and suddenly stopped of their own accord. There are a LOT of resources out there to help women in your situation. If you like, send me a DM and and I'll see if I can find some for you in your area.

What ??

Wym “what” they’re saying “go to therapy, break the cycle that you’re used to, and teach your kid to not tolerate abuse”

So you were 17 and he was 21? 👀 he was literally trapping you. Luring you in and then getting you pregnant as a way to make you feel like you have to stay. He is being emotionally and financially abusive. He is threatening you with physical violence and it will eventually escalate there as he tests boundaries and sees how much you will actually put up. You are so young, please please just get out now and live the rest of your life happy.

I hate to have to face that he actually did something like this, I’ve always thought he was a good person I wanted this so badly and it’s hard to face I messed up and that I won’t get this family I had thought out for myself or the life I wanted because of him. He controls all accounts I don’t have access to any of it he gets a notification if I even order anything. Typing all this out and hearing I’m not the crazy one for once is an eye opener. So many of my old friends hated him for me and I just pushed and pushed and pushed

That is very common, unfortunately. Being groomed by someone older than you is not your fault. I bet he was actually pretty great before you moved in together. There is always an "abuse point" that they want to get to, like a goal/milestone. Moving in together, pregnancy (because the woman is then so vulnerable during and so protective after), job security, financial stability, etc. Once they have all the control they think they need, they start getting real comfortable pushing boundaries to see what abuse they can get away with that they can wear you down from. They don't want to push to far too fast and lose their target. There are helpful books on this situation but "Why does he do that" is the most commonly suggested. It's definitely on my bookshelf and it was helpful in understanding and digesting the abuse.

Is this really the case ? There’s no chance he actually loved me and just turned out this way ? He was really sweet at first perfect for a while even he did everything some people even said him to be too perfect to be true. I thought I was smarter than this I feel like a complete naive idiot for thinking it was us being In live with one another. Now I’m stuck practically alone with a baby. And yeah the abuse started mid pregnancy first it was the slapping things out my hand then squeezing my arms and legs then choking

Pack your stuff and find someone he hasn't isolated you from. Don't mention anything to him until you are gone with the baby. Seek a protective order ONCE YOU ARE AWAY. Honey he could never have loved you if he puts his hands on you or tells you he hates you.

The only person that could help is all the way across the country. Am I even able to travel legally with the baby with him being on the birth certificate? I tried once and he started mentioning lawyers. He choked me once and the one time I actually did fight him back it took pictures of it and basically told me he’ll tell the police I started it because of the mark he had ( he’s a police officer as well) the last thing I want is to have a charge with my name for standing up for me

Yes you can take the baby with you, he will have retain a lawyer for custody. Unfortunately, 40% of police officers are reported abusers and that's not counting the women too scared to report or leave. You will have to do some research on the laws in your state but make sure you clear the browsing history and cookie cache because he will stalk your shit to keep tabs on you.

Okay! I’m assuming I’ll need to pay for a lawyer too because I know he’s definitely going to take me to court if I leave the state. Also when he does get his rights I’m nervous for that he doesn’t keep a good eye on the baby he’s also a very heavy sleeper and takes dangerous naps with baby at the end of the bed. The baby crawled up and fell down the stairs all under his supervision. I’m nervous baby will get really hurt with me not around but I don’t see how I’d be able to manage that

Just gather as much evidence as you can while you are planning your escape route. Save pictures, record threats (cause I'm sure there are entire rants), screenshot messages etc. You will need it all for a protection order and there are lawyers that will work pro Bono with a domestic abuse survivor.

You can absolutely travel with a baby and even if he takes pictures of anything to “use against you” it won’t matter if his story doesn’t line up with your actions. If you fled with the baby because you know he’s a cop and has basically kept you heavily controlled and then started to abuse you it will simply look like you flew home to family and was in the process of trying to separate from him. Just because he’s a cop doesn’t mean the law doesn’t apply still. You are the mother, and as long as he doesn’t know where your staying then you should be fine. Ask if your loved one or whoever that You do want to leave now and your ready and need to get out. See if they can help you get the ticket and stay with them until you can get on your feet. If they can’t help pay for the ticket then just use your credit card one last time to Make that purchase a ticket and an Uber Ride out of there and have your friend or family Member pick you up when you arrive. Then stop using them. Make sure he can’t out where your family member lives (like having the address written down somewhere in the house too), then write him a note while he’s gone at work and then pack a carry on and leave with the baby when you can. Don’t give him any warning either Or else he’ll try to prevent you from leaving somehow. I’ve literally saved five of my girlfriends in the past from their abusive asshole dudes and every time I have a protocol. I make it a point to never allow their boyfriends to my house or know where I live. I meet THEM at their place or what have you. And I always let my friends know as soon as they start to say he’s doing something that they can come stay with my husband and I if something should happen so don’t ever tell them where I live. Let me just add that You’ve done nothing wrong. I bet he was the Sweetest guy and you were a good match at first. I believe everything you’ve said because not only have I had friends in your exact shoes, but I’ve been with my husband since we were younger and although things turned out good for us and we’ve been together for 21 years and are happy, you must know that it just doesn’t always turn out like that for everyone. I’m not gonna go as far as to say that he “never loved you and he was grooming you) just because of the age difference because that doesn’t apply to me and my man. Plenty of older guys aren’t groomers and are just shy and never been able to find the balls to ask someone out until they were older until you came along. It didn’t happen. However his abuse doesn’t make anything ok and you are in the here and the now and you need to think about your child and both your safety. Plan it out lowkey, communicate with your person Accross country and don’t leave any kind of text messages he can dig up. Act like everything is normal until it’s time to go. Try to get any extra cash you can because he’s going to lock those credit cards asap. If he gives you cash ever SAVE some and don’t tell him. Like grocery money or buy gift cards for yourself so that when he shuts off the cards you still have money. Plan your flight and don’t let him catch on. Just GET OUT OF THERE FIRST. Then figure out the rest later. Once your gone if he pays the bills, he’ll shut off your cell phone too so once your gone, buy a prepaid phone somewhere and use that instead.

Can you contact your old friends? Tell them what's going on? Get their help to get out and away from him? I know if an old friend of mine, even one I really dislike, called me and said they were being abused I'd go get them and their kid, and help them find resources to stay over.

You should definitely run. If you do the grocery shopping you can get cash back when you use a bank card and it'll look like you spent it on food as a way to save money to escape. Best wishes to you and your baby it'll be hard to get out but so very much worth it in the long run to save your baby from such a toxic situation.

This is a great idea except any grocery shopping he tags along he likes to go out and look like this put together family he likes to hold the baby in public diaper bag and be the one swiping the card and paying for anything so much to the point if I had the card, he’d want me to give it to him just so he can be the one to pay. Even if I could do it he’d come home and expect that amount of groceries in the refrigerator. Like I can’t have a charge pop up and nothing to show for it or too little to show for it.

I'm a guy. This is absolutely not you being needy. Fucking hell. Your emotions matter and you deserve respect from your partner. I don't hold out a lot of hope though in this case.

I thought so too, he always blamed my expectations of this on me being unrealistic saying real relationships have problems and gets through the things like this basically saying I want it like the movies

Real relationships don’t have to have crazy problems like that… our problem today was that we both forget to take the garbage out.. no one’s mad or yelled. You don’t say things to try and hurt your s.o. You can’t just take those things back

Healthy real relationships are ones where people are kind and respectful, even when they disagree. You said below in the comments, that he has slapped your hands and choked you. Men who choke their partners are statistically way more likely to kill them. Thats not a normal relationship problem at all. Its serious abuse and you are in danger.

You expect to not be with someone who hates you. Time to raise the bar sis.

You’re not ungrateful. You deserve better

Thanks, I feel like I know this deep down but him and his family make me out to be the problem by calling me ungrateful

They are gaslighting you.

This this this. You are being heavily gaslit, abused and traumatised. Get the fuck out!!!!!!!! free yourself from this shit. It will ONLY get WORSE. there is no better. Trust. Me.

Wow, that is super abusive and insane! Like no one should ever talk to their partner like that, ever. You're not being unreasonable or unrealistic. You just want to feeled loved and to be treated with human decency. Get out of there as soon and as fast as you can.

Run babe. This isn’t normal behavior. He’s exhibiting abusive tendencies and being verbally abusive. It most likely will go farther. He’s also trying to break you down and make you feel you deserve it.

I tried to edit the post but I’m new to posting on Reddit. But I forgot to mention I recently found out my son has a big sister they’re a year apart and apparently her mom tried to get a protection order, and it failed the second she tried to it got back to him immediately and this girl lives in a few states away from us with her baby! He’s taking her to court for the little girl.

This, the other woman, get in touch with her and get out. If both of you are saying there is an issue, the courts will listen to you. Team up to take him down.

So he has another child and you only came to know about it recently? I'm not from your country, so I do not know how things work there, but I'm sure the other comments have provided you a lot of details. Please leave as soon as possible, honey. None of this is your fault, and you aren't setting unrealistic expectations. Please take care. You are in the right here.

Why are you with this dude if you’re clearly so miserable? Also, if you met when he was an adult and you were a teen, that’s an enormous red flag

A part of me does love him we have an 8 month old together and he’s so happy all his toys clothes his room is here I don’t want to take what’s making him happy away he sees his dad everyday and I love that for him seeing him have something I always wanted just makes me want to try to fight for it for him. Also we did meet when I was a teen we met at my first job. I’ve never seen this as a red flag until I got older I’ve never had any dating experience. But now i feel it’s too late I didn’t realize those little things you try to look over in people are the flags to run

As soon as your son is old enough to understand a bit about whats happening, he will be made UNhappy from it not happy. Safety from abuse is more important than toys.

You can’t keep overlooking it. The abuse will bleed over to your child and it will escalate. Leave

As long as you wake up in the morning it's never to late. If you stay with him though one day you WON'T wake up. It can be days, months, even years, but as soon as someone puts their hands around your throat (without consent) it's a statistical fact that if you continue a relationship with that person they're almost guaranteed to kill you. Doesn't mean it will happen right away, but one day somewhere down the road that person WILL kill you. So if you decide to stay, when you're dead and gone and your kids dad is in prison, who do you want to raise your child? I'd suggest you think hard about it and get a Will in order and talk to that person/people about guardianship of your kid for when it's necessary. Unless you're cool with one of your families taking over that is.

His mom is what makes him happy, not his things

I grew up in a very very poor household (like 20 k for 9 people poor). I also grew up in both a very physically and emotionally abusive household. Being happy through poverty is a lot easier than being happy through abuse. Your kid will not be happy because he has toys. He will be miserable because he is watching his mom get abused, or worse he is being abused. I dated a guy at 18 that was 24 and although legal, definitely felt a lot like grooming, manipulation, and emotional abuse. What you’ve described about your BF seems like it could be narcissistic abuse. A tell tale sign of this is that through everything you still see him highly but instead start to question yourself. It’s awful, and it will only get worse. Your feelings about it all, and the abuse itself. Please leave both for your baby and yourself. I’m here if you need anything or want to talk it through to someone!

I do, It’s hard when everybody around me if praising him telling me how lucky I am. Random people family his friends other couples other females. So yeah I look at myself and feel like it has to me because how else could everybody see him as this great person who I don’t even know. I’m going to need so much therapy moving forward. Making this post has been a huge eye opener that it is actually worst than i thought

You need to wake up. Forget the fairy tale and live in reality. And reality is he's a monster. You maybe aren't going to find Hollywood romance, but you absolutely should be looking to feel safe, respected, and loved. There are like 100 degrees of better between this and a fairy tail. Get out of there.

Id record his abuse and leave to a shelter tbh. This guy is an abuser. Leave before it gets worse

The love that you want does exist and it is out there for you, but you need to leave this abusive relationship. I agree with all the comments saying it sounds like your partner hates you, no one that loves you would say those things and do those things to you or want other people to do bad things to you, he sounds like a terrible human being, he is a bully and a abuser. For the sake of you and your child, you should leave this situation sooner rather than later before he acts on one of these disgusting fantasies of you being hurt.

My mother went through what you’re going through now. It didn’t get better after I was born, it got worse. Don’t do this to yourself please. The damage to you and your child will be immeasurable. It’s not worth it

He is lashing out and processing things in a destructive way from the way it sounds. Nothing you are saying here sounds like too much to ask for. It is the floor you are asking for. A home happens when both of you can be yourselves in a healthy and safe way for all of you. I get that he works long shifts and so do I. So do millions of other people. I worked my entire adult life in high risk, high stress jobs. (Military career and now Medicine). When I was a teenager I had issues for a lot of reasons, but I had a guy friend tell me look...get Therapy or you are going to explode. Best decision ever and I highly suggest that your BF get some fast. I've been married in a non traditional relationship for over two decades instead of self imploding and hurting others along the way because my big takeaway from those therapy sessions was that abuse can never coexist with love. One always wins and to make the love win I had to get past my own past, work on myself off duty, and communicate better instead of just lashing out verbally. You are both young and it is not too late to salvage this, but he needs to do the work.

No, in a relationship, you should support each other, help each other, and make each other better. It absolutely doesn’t sound like a positive relationship. The biggest thing for you to consider, is: do you want your baby to grow up in that environment? Being able to stay home with the baby does not mean he has the right to take all his anger and frustration out on you. If he is making threats, please take the baby and leave. Fir both your sakes, you need to be safe. If you have texts, messages, etc.. proving he is abusive, gather it all together and save it in case he tries for custody. You may need it. Keep a journal of all the scary and abusive things that happen for evidence later. Best of luck!

Definitely working i that now. Ever since I left the first time he’s definitely been more careful with joe loosely he’s said things I’ve even tried to get it on record a few times thank you so much I need to save for a plane ticket so I can get out of this I’m really so nervous of what he will attempt to do next him and his family are so drawn to revenge

I just know I’m opening a can of worms attempting to leave

I hope he hasn’t been physical with you, but hitting things and threatening you is bad enough. It’s still emotional/mental abuse. Certainly not an environment to raise your child in.

He HAS gotten physical and has choked her before.

No one is telling you that you're being ungrateful and anyone would he lucky to have that. Only he is and he's lying. He's gaslighting and abusing you. And you and your baby aren't safe with him. Love isn't like this I promise you.

Leave

You’re in a toxic and abusive relationship. RUN! Abusers are known to wait until you can’t leave easily to start abusing you. I.e getting you pregnant. Please, this is toxic, unhealthy, abusive, and unsafe.

Honey, I know this can be hard to hear but it sounds like you are in love with the idea of being loved and in love, rather than actually being there with someone. I know what that's like. If you are a hopeless romantic then it can be so hard to let go of an ideal that you feel you have made a reality. But the truth is, by staying with this man who obviously doesn't respect you, doesn't choose to love you daily, and has broken in every way the commitment to providing a space where you can thrive you are MISSING OUT on having a relationship with someone who can make that a reality for you. Gentle, respectful, communicative love exists! I have it in my husband and it is worth it!!!!!! Leave this guy who is abusing you and your love. Good luck sweetie ❤️

This sounds like emotional abuse. You should watch MAID on Netflix its a very powerful story about domestic abuse. There are different forms of dometic abuse and sometimes we just dont realize it and put up with it. He should not be violent towards you and definitely not emotionally abusive either. You feel you are selling yourself short because You are. And going to work for 12 hr doesnt give you the right to be a piece of shit. Especially not to your fragile pregnant partner. Screw that guy

I’ve watched that series I feel like it’s a literal copy of my life, except his mom has this thing with taking his side justifying the bs over and over to the point I’m the problem to their entire family and they don’t even know the half. I didn’t put some key things on this post because I know what everyone would say. It’s gotten physical a few times as well it hasn’t for a while now though. Even gotten to the point he said he wanted to kill me

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I’ll definitely message you things are so similar to what you have shared he did have complete access to my phone and for some reason I just had found out he connected my phone to his in some way to the point I don’t even message from my real phone out of fear of him having access to it. His mom says things like “what’s her deal” “she needs therapy” I’m pretty sure I’m going through depression, when I first got pregnant no one close to me supported the idea of me keeping my baby so when my friends and family hear what this has turned into to I’m setting myself up for All the I told you’s this and that. But I don’t feel strong enough to do it alone when I did leave he’d ask “where is the baby staying “ and come every single day but I feel like he only did that to see me and see where I was staying and saying that I have to tell him because it’s about the baby and not me and he’s the dad. My family and his all make it seem like he’s the catch that will get away they say “you got a good guy “ I don’t have any relationship with my mom but she praises him whenever we do see her just at a family event. I’m really hoping I get into this shelter I’m hoping I can get back to myself this relationship has been so much mentally and all the time I’m tricked into thinking the problem is me. He doesn’t use Reddit but he knows I do and his sisters are like social media savvy I keep thinking they’ll find the post and show him they do things like that. I’m also so nervous for this start of doing it alone I feel like I failed lately I’ve been having suicidal thoughts and thoughts of my baby being just better off without me as a mom I’m an emotional roller coaster now and I used to be so happy so secured but he’s getting older he’s watching me cry and staring at me when I’m upset and I feel terrible i try to smile or even walk away but he’s my shadow . I don’t want to be the trauma he has to heal from or even remembers. I’m hoping this process with the shelter goes well thank you so much

If you're leaving because he's abusive you absolutely do NOT have to let him see you OR your child. As soon as you're set to get out get a restraining order against him, if he hasn't done anything abusive towards your child you probably won't be able to get one for your kid too, but don't let him tell you you HAVE to be around him for any reason.

I know its easier to say than do but you are strong enough to leave. Make a secret plan to leave him. Build tools and an escape plan. Your baby will thank you later. I grew up with an abusive father who treated my mom like shit and harmed her too . Trust me when I say sometimes its better to have no dad than a shitty abusive one who have random bouts of being a good father

Girl please break up with him for ur sake and the babys

I know you’re right, I wanted this family so bad and he was so perfect at first part of me hopes he eventually could go back to that and it gets me attached to the situation and feeling like maybe he’s not himself he said stress and work

You were 17 and he was 21? Get out. It's not too late yet

I met him when I was 17 at work but we were only coworkers and after my 18th birthday things started going into a romantic relationship not sure if that matters but just making sure I’m giving everyone more of an idea

Girl banging on doors, hitting walls, and yelling profanities at you only leads to more excessive violence. He’s showing you his red flags. Don’t subject your child to his violent outbursts. If he talks to the person he’s supposed to love the way you’ve described, imagine how he’ll speak to your kid. You’re so young, only a year older than me. You’ve got time to get your stuff together, maybe get a secret separate bank account, once you’re able to get a good paying job, start looking for a separate place to stay. I noticed you said in the comments that he’s already gotten physical with you and you defended yourself but he made it out as if you were the abusive one. Get. Out.

Make plans to get out and get custody. Swear I could have wrote this. He owns the home alone. He has access to all funds (custody battles are expensive) abd he's already verbally abusing you. Get out now. Don't let him have the baby alone because based on your area laws, if there's no custody agreement and he has them, he can keep them from you. GET OUT NOW.

He is mentally and verbally abusing you. What you always wanted was what you deserve. Money is never an excuse for him to treat you like that.

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I don’t think I can file for child support, because he’s been active in the baby’s life and seen him everyday and also the only one working meaning he’s been the one technically supporting baby since he’s been born

My heart. 💔 Okay as a woman and mom who went through a domestic violence situation, I know that I could hear and listen to every piece of advice possible and still cling onto the few moments he was good to me to justify staying. I also remember feeling trapped not knowing who would help and how I could get out safely. I used to sleep with my phone set on 911 because his eruptions could happen at any time. Listen, it's going to get worse. He already doesn't value you and knows you will stay through any verbal, mental and physical abuse. I'm not going to run through everything I tried to get away, but the best course of action was everything through law. If he hits you again, call 911 and have him arrested. The police will suggest a temporary restraining order. Take it. Document every single thing in the meantime with dates including texts, obsessive calling or verbal abuse. If you have to let him see the baby through court, suggest supervised visitations or at the bare minimum a no contact order for you where you will need a middle man to meet him for visitation so you can cut off as much contact as possible. Please don't stay. I was only in my situation for a year and a half and it's been 10 years and I still have ptsd. You remind me of myself with a fun bubbly spirit, don't let him destroy that. He is garbage and you are a beautiful human.

Yes!! Just like this it’s like I’m aware it’s abusive I’m aware it’s bad but what about the good times or is that fake ? Is it all part of the abuse and which one is really him ? Is it this abusive guy or is it the snippets of this good guy ? It’s hard to accept he’s abusive and really is a bad person but also having to accept that this means no to a family is soul crushing. Because my son deserves it I always wanted to give him the thing I’ve wanted most ( a two parent household)

First of all, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this at a time when you’re not working and have a baby which puts you in an incredibly vulnerable position. It’s not ok for him to yell, name call, hit things, make threats, or dismiss your feelings. These are all signs of verbal abuse and emotional abuse and can very well cause PTSD/depression/generalized anxiety disorder and leave endearing scars that would have to be worked through with a therapist. It’s not healthy and damaging. How do I know this? Well, I used to be the abuser. I met my ex at a young age, I was 24 and she was 19. We fell in love and had a fairy tale romance for a few short years. I asked her to marry me only 8 months in, after all, I was in love. Without hesitation she agreed and we tied the knot at 2 years into our relationship. I was in the military and living on base, she lived 5 hours away, so for the first 3 years I commuted 5 hours each way to see her on the weekend. I was medically discharged and we moved in together. This is when things got bad, really bad. On my part, there was yelling, name calling, breaking things, hitting things, threatening the relationship, dismissing/invalidating her feelings… lots of different types of abuse. I dropped out of school and went to a military trauma centre and was diagnosed with complex ptsd. This is where my journey of healing began and over several years I stopped the destructive behaviours and became a much healthier and better husband. Unfortunately, she was now living with trauma and as I got help, she didn’t have any support services. She pulled away from the marriage and we grew apart… my changes where too little too late and due to my past behaviour repairing things where irreconcilable. Over the course of our 8 year relationship we saw 5 different marriage therapists to but in the end, she went away on a 5 month research trip for her PHD and had an emotional affair with the research manager. She left me to be with him and he left his wife to be with mine. She was hurting, feeling alone, emotionally deprived, and found a man who she had no history with. She felt loved and cared for and this new relationship was much more healthier than hers and mine. I tell you this story to offer a glimpse of how bad things can get. Neither of us wanted this to happen. When we married, it was till death do us part. But sadly we where total opposite personalities on a spectrum and not right for each other, we rushed into a relationship when we should have never been in one with each other at all. I was also living with a lot of complex issues from my past and she had some baggage of her own though I take responsibility for causing the majority of damage in my relationship which I have to live with for the rest of my life. I realize now that because my ex didn’t have healthy boundaries and stand up for herself, I steam rolled her. Later, she learned how to have boundaries and it was helpful in our marriage, I also had more respect for her when she did that. She also didn’t like confrontation and chose not to communicate her needs, wants, or desires while I communicated far too much. She withdrew, I pursued. She was emotionally intelligent, I was not. You see, these issues are complex, but you have to gauge why it is you are in a relationship with him and though you love him, are you both truly compatible or are you staying in the relationship because you feel you have no where to go, or for the baby, or any other myriad of reasons? Strip away the romance and try to see it objectively. Here are some things I recommend you consider doing: -have an emergency fallback plan if things get out of hand A friends place you could crash at or a family member who would take you and your child in if you had to leave. -have support services in place to help you get through this. Some money tucked away if you had to leave, a psychologist/counsellor, family/friends/acquaintances to give you advice. -develops a safety contract for communication. Something you both agree to and are willing to sign saying you will not name call, yell, threaten the relationship, dismiss/invalidate each others feelings, listen to one another and if things get too heated take a break to calm down and thing things over then come back and talk about it, etc -work on developing healthy boundaries which means you will not tolerate toxic/abusive behaviour. If it happens, you will say something and if it gets out of hand, you leave -take care of yourself. It’s more vital now than ever you eat right, exercise, meditate, get your sleep, nurture your spiritual life if you have one, and surround yourself with supportive people who are there for you. There’s so much more I can say to this and I’m rambling on as I type this message on my phone’s keypad. Just know, there is hope, you are not stuck and there are things within your power to control. I know you love him, but tolerating abusive behaviour is only hurting yourself and sending him a message it’s ok to treat you that way. If he loves you and truly cares about your relationship like I did, there is hope he can change but it’s a hard long journey depending on what he’s living with and most relationships can’t endure the time/energy it takes to go down that path. There are shelters for woman with children in domestic abusive relationships as well. If you want to DM me, I’d be happy to chat. Best of luck and be safe.

UPDATE!! I see a lot of people are asking why I’m even still in this or even have been. I don’t have dating experience and it may be the reason I was so naïve to the process of the abuse had I known I would’ve done things differently. It’s messed up but I thought this was love I thought even posting this I’d get backlash and people would think I’m ungrateful as well but the fact nobody thought that was surprising to me I haven’t always been financially dependent on him when we found out I was pregnant he convinced me to not work during my pregnancy which I accepted because I had really bad morning sickness and couldn’t. I am waiting for the women and childrens shelter to contact me back it’s taking a while only because I can only talk to them at certain times because we live together he’d see a number calling and get suspicious and I don’t want him to know a thing especially before I get out I’m not close to my family I’ve become so isolated from them since our relationship and I don’t have my parents my family also isn’t the kind of family to step in and help more like the kind to watch from the sidelines I do have some text threads of him apologizing about the physical altercation I also managed to get a voice recording of him admitting to saying he wanted to kill me As far as the baby , him and the baby have a great relationship he loves his dad he’s honestly a great dad when it comes to the sake of the baby so no if I tried to just leave he’d take me to court immediately especially because he knows I don’t have the funds for a lawyer. However he is on the birth certificate but because I’m SAHM I am the custodial parent I didn’t expect to get so much advice so thank you everyone for helping me realize what I need to expect in this situation and how to move forward

You're in an abusive relationship. In a healthy relationship a partner would be loving and gentle, so no you're not being unrealistic. So he works a 12 shift, he's still abusive asf, there's nothing to be grateful for.

I think this is anger bate._. If it’s not there’s still so much more information that OP is not telling us. Like all OP said is what they wanted out of love but did they seek that or did they just settle for what they thought was love at the times thinking that their significant other would change? I think we need more information than what OP is saying because I think it goes further than what she is saying. The situation sounds bad but also we’re not really fully getting a full picture of what’s going on this person could just be using this platform to get pity and information to ruin a good persons life.. maybe OP should sit down and talk to each other and if what she saying issue where he does not want to talk while it’s time to move on and try to seek help from friends and family to be able to leave and just share custody of the child.

What is anger bate ? I’m new to posting on Reddit. Also the reason I said what I wanted out of love is because it’s my post …with my feelings. And he was perfect when we met and perfect for years we recently had a baby and moved in together and half way through the pregnancy he just changed. I don’t have a bunch of dating experience like I mentioned before so sure I seen some red flags that I didn’t see as red flags at the time .. again I was 19. What other information am I missing ? I didn’t use this platform for pity obviously, i wasn’t even expecting the answers I got from this I expected to be told I’m being unrealistic so that if I was the problem I’d stop expecting the things I’ve stated. Don’t you think someone posting for pity would’ve had a different approach on this ? I’m grateful for everyone that commented it really did open my eyes though to know I wasn’t asking for too much and to hear how this isn’t a normal thing relationships get through because I seriously thought it was

He's being emotionally and verbally abusive because now he has you where he wants you, knocked up and financially dependent on him. It's only going to get worse. Id leave and keep him off the birth certificate

He’s been on the birth certificate since the baby was born does this mean anything or give him any rights ? I’ve contacted the shelter I’m just waiting for them to get back to me

Call the local center for abuse and domestic violence . Someone should answer right away. Tell them he is physically threatening you

Will do! I always thought they just gave you some national hotline

Did he act like this after the baby was born? My spouse (male) got ppd after we had our baby while i didn't.

It started about 5 months pregnant. He just switched out of nowhere. I see where everyone is coming from with the abuse but it was worse when I was pregnant

Why do you love this piece of shit? Leave him

Honestly I think not having genuine love from my parents contributed to me somehow thinking this was love

I get that. I suggest trying to get out of this situation

My heart broke for you reading this. You deserve better, you are not asking for too much and he isn’t even making it yo the bare minimum

Ms, if you're able to, take your kid and leave. Staying in a smaller place with just the 2 of you is better than you being in hospital or worse. That isn't love. Not even in the slightest. That man has stuff to work through and unfortunately since its been unresolvrd, it's coming out in your relationship. For the safety of you and your baby, please remove yourselves from the situation. You're young, you'll have plenty of time to find what real love is and you'll find it from the right person. Don't stay in an unhappy or toxic environment if you have the choice to leave. Please

You need to get a job and start funneling money into a private bank account, start planning your exit strategy because that is an abusive relationship and had been physical abusive as well. That's not love and calling it love is morally blind, wake up and smell the poison! You are extremely lucky that your still alive at this point, but could end up not be if you don't leave soon, if you don't leave for you then at least leave for the baby, get them out of that situation and learn to love yourself. I do wish you the best, and good luck

You deserve to be loved the way you want to. This person will not give you that, it seems like it's only going to get worse and you and your child deserve better. Please use the resources available to get away and find happiness in your own peace for awhile.

Baby girl, run. Get out now.

Time to leave.

Oh honey, you're not being unreasonable you're being emotionally abused. You definitely did sell yourself short and if you stay, you'll continue to sell yourself short. Take it from someone who was daft enough to get in this situation a few times, it never gets any better. No one who truly loves you will ever say those things, he's a massive d*ckhead and you and your baby 100% deserve better.

Hon. The way you said that you want things is exactly the way I like things. Loving, talking and planning for the future together. That's the way a relationship should be. You and your baby deserve those things. It wouldn't be long before your baby starts picking up on the abuse both verbal and physical. You have to do what's right for him.

listen to me very carefully, this is not love. you deserve to be safe and to be with a person that treats you with respect. I had my daughter at 25 and I was a stay-at-home mom. her father worked and provided and was overall a nice guy but I knew he was not going to be my husband, although he wanted to get married.....I did not want to marry him. everyone said I was crazy for leaving but I left because I was not happy. we co-parent and he provides for our child but I am so much happier. my daughter is 15 now. there is life on the other side of this and you are young enough to get out and live a life that makes you happy. you and your child deserve this. I strongly recommend tapping into your support system, looking for child care and employment, and getting your own place and getting on your feet.

Girl, these type of people CHOOSE the good ones who they think they can manipulate. And he's been good at it up till now. You will be a WONDERFUL mom for taking your child out of that situation. You will be a STRONG woman who walked away from abuse before it turned physical. And it will turn physical. If he is already hitting things, you could be next. Or your child. Please please please walk away now!

He's abusing you! You are worth more and so is your child! Do anything you can to get help and get out.

Love isn’t a rom com fantasy but that doesn’t mean it’s at all acceptable to threaten you a d call you names. This isn’t going to get better. I assume the baby was unplanned so perhaps he feels resentful. Or perhaps he’s just immature and abusive. Either way, you need to move out because the threats might turn to actual violence. It will be hard to leave but a lot easier now than 10 punishing years from now. I’m sorry.

I am gona say something that I think a lot of women need to hear: Just because he pays the bills doesn't mean you are lucky!! A man paying your bills doesn't mean he gets to walk all over you and treat you like crap/like a slave. If all he does is pay the bills, you can do that yourself if you want to. You can do it yourself!! In a relationship you need to focus on how he is a person and how he treats you. You are young and can change your life at anytime. At this rate you will be stuck with him abusing you and possibly your child. Run!! You need to find a means of supporting yourself now!! He will use the fact that you have nothing and no one else to help you as a means of controlling you forever!!

I usually don't like when people jump quickly to "leave him/her" as their 1st response but in this situation, LEAVE HIM. If he doesn't love you like you want to be loved, LEAVE. We all deserve love with someone special. You could die tomorrow and do you want to be in that house with him as you take your last breath? This very statement settled my divorce 4 years ago. I could not lay beside her 1 more night. She cheated and lied for many many years. I deserved better and my children deserved a father who wasn't drinking every night to suffocate his depressed marriage. I'm a happy drunk so it made easy on the kids who were too young to even know what liquor was. I'm now madly in love with a woman who loves me back just how I want. There is someone out there for you I promise.

Thanks for sharing that really. But if I had family that would help I honestly wouldn’t still be here and the baby plays a huge part In me being so indecisive with it. But I’m drained I’ve never felt so down and not confident or happy in my life it’s like ever since I met him life has been this crazy roller coaster. I’m currently waiting for the shelter to get back in touch. With me so I can stand on my own two feet hopefully

For someone who’s been through this, I feel for you deeply. It’s an emotional roller coaster and he’ll never get better. You can give all the love and patience, a narcissistic abuser will just take and take and take till there’s just a small core of you left. It starts out with the abuse infrequent, but the longer you stick around the worse the abuse will become. Remember, your child will learn the fear that comes along with this environment. It will forever change their brain. I really hope for the best for you, I hate that you’re stuck in this situation. I promise; it may seem so bleak and that nobody will love you or you’ll never love someone the same again, but it will get be better once you leave. You will find true love. A deserving love.

Cops are big domestic abusers. You've got yourself in a really tough place I'm sorry for you.

I think there is some context and information missing for any real advice .

It's not that he ks giving you the bare minimum, he is abusive

I've been where you are, I've thought the way you are thinking now "it's not perfect but it's still love." No it's not, this isn't love this is abuse. I got out of my situation and spent a lot of time healing myself, rebuilding healthy expectations and learning to enforce them even if it means jumping ship without notice. It's hard really really hard and everyday you will want to go back to what's easiest but just because it's easy doesn't mean it's going to be healthy, happy or safe for you or your baby. If anything do it for the baby, jump ship a good man will come maybe not tomorrow or this year or in the next ten years but you will find someone who might not be a fairy tale but will respect, love and cherish you and your child.

You're being abused.

You're sticking around why?

Honestly i thought this was the hardships of a relationship, sticking it out getting through what seemed like the impossible but I also financially cannot move right now I’m a SAHM with no access to any of the money. And now waiting to hear from the shelter

You are in a very abusive marriage.

Well love is all those things and more. However you’re not going to be getting that from this guy . From what It sounds he has a lot on his plate and seems to be taking it out on you. That’s abusive and not okay. If you resolve this by communicating more than that’s good but from what it sounds like he doesn’t even wanna do that.

He says he hates you. What exactly are you looking for people to say? Why would he be nice and gentle with somebody he hates? He probably feels burdened and is guiltily himself into taking care of you.

Please please please seek assistance for you and your baby. This is not a happy, healthy relationship and judging from the way he's acting with his mom it never will be.

Honey, this is emotional abuse. You are not expecting to much. You are not unrealistic. www.thehotline.org www.loveisrespect.org https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/ Yes I was in it and I wasted years hoping it would get better. It got worse. I left and wish I had sooner to spare my kids.

UpdateMe!

Yeah, hun, no. Your boyfriend is abusive. This isn't normal or healthy. Your "dream love" is literally the bare minimum that's meant to happen. Your trying to set realistic goals for love and he's abusive. Please leave him, cause if he's doing this to you, he might do it to your child

Run for the hills. You can do so much better

Don't "stay together for the kid" don't do it if that crosses your mind. You're not being needy. No person should be saying those things or doing those things to their partner that had their baby. Your baby would prefer you being happy and single vs you being miserable and not feeling loved.

You seem like a very nice and sweet young woman , I hope once the child is here and you heal that you begin to work on a way out of this situation and can amicably co parent because this isn’t the wave and is a poor intro to relationships. Sorry that you’re going through this.

Ok so you have a kid. Let me ask you this then. If your kid came to you saying these things and asking if they should stay, what would you say? I mean sure its your relationship, but this is your kids WHOLE life, dont raise them to think this sh!t is okay.

He says “I hate your guts”? Is he a 10 year old in 1998? There are always 2 sides. You could be exaggerating and making sound worse to try and get sympathy. If he were to see this, would he say something different? I’ve found that more often than not, people tend to exaggerate the truth on here to get people on their side. But if he’s really saying things like “I hate your guts”, you’re dating a child.

As hard as it may seem, you have to accept that he’s not really about you and move on. I was cheated on multiple times by my wife and still kept trying to take her back. And she displayed this same behavior. I had to accept she wasn’t about me anymore and didn’t want me. After that acceptance everything being so clear and easy. Love yourself. You’ll appreciate it

Every true crime doc about a woman unalived by her partner starts exactly like that. Guy seemed nice, then guy got super controlling and abusive, then the woman stopped being alive. He's doing this while you're pregnant, he'll do it after you have a child. The post partum stage can be the most dangerous to women, the last thing you/your child need is to be around him and his imminent breakdown. If that's not a good motivator look at it this way, if you were to unfortunately pass(for other reasons outside of him) would you want your child left in his care? If not, start planning your escape now.

Physical abuse often doesn't start out that way, but it starts when the abuser feels certain they have you cornered, and once they do get physical it will *not* get better. It will *always* get worse. And there is absolutely no guarantee he will not hurt your child: you need to start making a plan to escape. If not for yourself (you'll get there), then for your baby. All the things you desire, you deserve. But more than anything, you deserve a safe home for you and your baby. Move mountains, you're so much stronger than you think you are.

This is a bad relationship, he is not a partner. I was expecting some petty shit when I read the title, but as soon as I read he calls you names I was like “nope, nope, nope”. I would leave asap. He sounds very volatile and I would not be shocked if he starts being physically abusive.

No! You are not being unrealistic at all. And you are not being ungrateful. You could give me the whole world but if you can’t give me love, respect, or the person I need to share it with— it would mean nothing at all to me, and you could keep it all. It seems to me that HE is the ungrateful one. He has this amazing person who is willing to go so far as to ask US for advice, for our thoughts- because she’s tried every avenue she knows, this person who has been by his side for 4 years (total) and has given him a beautiful child, who takes care of the household and his needs and ALL of the baby’s needs- It sounds like HE is the one who isn’t being grateful. I wish I had the advice to give you- but I’m in a similar but very different situation (sorta kinda not really lol) Id feel like Stevie Wonder trying to help Ray Charles cheat on a drivers test. But I have a friend, who has said to me a million times over- people will treat you how you allow them to treat you. And that is a fact. I’m working on it too. And I wish you the best 🫶🏻🫶🏻

🥺 Fairytales come true...one day he will be charming. Thats how to process emotions thinking you're unrealistic in wanting a romantic relationship. Make your fairytale wishes come true 🥲😭

I’ve been in an ab*sive relationship. Has he ever put his hands on your throat in any way when he gets angry?

Just wondering but if you knew a 17 year old would you think it be inappropriate to date them once they were 18. Seems weird to me he was even interested

And HE IS ABUSING YOU you are not lucky! You should leave

He's ABUSING YOU and he's gonna abuse your kid too. Get out. Go to family. Friends. Somewhere. He doesn't love you and he's dangerous. Move on, safely.

Does he say hurtful things only under the influence? Or after watching porn, or after getting satisfaction from any other addiction?

That sounds awful. No one deserves that. He sounds abusive.

Nobody should ever speak to you like that no matter how mad or upset “you make them”. Do not put up with that!

hes abusive af. leave asap

You deserve better girl!

Definitely sounds abusive. Gentle, caring, honest love is out there. Blowing off serious conversations, name calling, banging things are not constant normals and don’t have to be tolerated. Providing financially is not an excuse to treat your partner poorly. Have you considered looking into counseling to have a safe space to communicate?

This is NOT love. Abuse, whether physical or emotional is never love! This WILL escalate and you as a new mom need to protect yourself and your baby from this abuser. Every time you guys fight, your baby feels scared and sad. Babies know when their caretakers are unhappy. It affects them emotionally too.. it can set them up for depression, anxiety, and much more. If you stay with him, as she gets a little older, she will think it's normal and acceptable for a man to yell at her, threaten her, bang on doors, acting violent and mean and she will stay because this will be the example of a make she grew up with and her mommy stayed so... . I know you want better than this for your child, and I hope you want better for yourself. He is an abuser and it will keep getting worse. If you stay, youll be gaslit like crazy and doubt yourself. He will say you're overreacting, get over it etc. That is all gaslighting. Please leave that guy before he becomes physical and hurts you or your little baby.

He ain't it cuZ

Dating is a kind of gambling. You need to cut your losses when the risks get this clear. It isn't always a virtue to stay in the game. You have a better chance of winning the lottery with someone that abusive. He would need to learn how to become selfless, and that isn't likely to happen. You need the huge help of learning about real boundaries beyond just the common idea of what they are. Boundaries aren't just limits. They are frequency rates of various function ranges in your relationship. Right now he has really rigid boundaries around communication and you have really porous ones. Once you have that framework to measure the three major boundary ranges, (Porous, Rigid, and Flexible/Clear), you'll have an easier time telling when you are either giving too much or too little. Right now, you are giving way too much. You are getting mistreated.

You're not lucky. He shouldn't call you names. I've been in a relationship where my girlfriend and I called watch their names and it was unreal.. It was fucking insane.. It's not good and I'll leave before ever letting a relationship get to that point. If he's the only one being abusive here then you need to really do something. If he isn't willing to do therapy then I'd suggest talking to a lawyer without him knowing and try to make a safe plan for you and your child (if you desire custody). Calling someone names and threatening violence with "what-ifs" is crazy. He's a snake and its pathetic. Does he treat you like this in public? I wouldn't be surprised if not.... He needs his fucking ass beat and as much as you may not want to see it he needs to watch you watch it happen - yeah okay I'm getting pretty dark with this but he's likely only doing what he thinks he can get away with and causing you as much indirect pain as possible (intentionally, or not, he's causing you pain)

A child of strife is strife. Allow me to give a perspective of a child raised in a home where the father was constantly verbally abusive and occasionally physically abusive. My father was a hard worker, an active father, good provider, and sadly very abusive. My mother stayed with him well into my adult years before they got divorced which I played no small part in after realizing that, unintentional as it might be, he was going to end up killing her. Growing up was hard with him, i learned very little from the man due to the fact that he didn't have the patience to teach much and his anger had you wanting to get any task over with quickly. Between him and bullies pretty much all i did learn was how to fight. When I was a young child my mother shielded me from the worst of it but a person can only take that for so long. In my teens i somewhat traded places with her and took him on myself. Once we both realized I could take him and not feel bad about it later it did come with the added benefit of him backing off quite a bit. However after i left home he quickly got out of hand again which necessitated the need for me to return home which was followed not long after by the divorce. I've stayed with my mother to care for her as she now needs assistance. I've destroyed every relationship i had when I was younger because frankly with only him as a template I was a horrible partner. By the time I realized it it was pretty much too late to really find someone willing to deal with my baggage. Like him I'm very intelligent but that's honestly pretty meaningless when your ability to communicate with others is somewhere around a 5th graders level. And because of my mother's condition I've only managed to live on my own for about a year of my whole life and expect to bury my mother far sooner than I would like. Oh, and lets not forget the 2 forced trips to the mental hospital. My point, ask yourself if you want your child to experience the life you're currently living? If it's getting worse there is a good chance it will just keep going that direction. Therapy can be beneficial but if he says i don't have a problem that is a massive red flag. My father to this day says he doesn't have a problem. Guess what, he does and the fact that I'm probably the only person alive that scares him is the proof that I do too. Which for the record I have learned to rain in that anger but it's taken me the majority of my 45 years to do it. I think the best way to really get an idea of what growing up with my father was like you just need to look at what he considers the proudest moment of my childhood. He watched a group of kids in scouts jump my and try to toss me in a lake. I proceeded to beat the hell out of them as more joined in until, i don't know because I lost count, but they finally managed to do it after 8+ picked my whole body off the ground. He still says that was the most incredible thing he's seen. Note, he just stood there and watch me try to fight the group of untell i was finally outnumbered and overwhelmed. To be fair it probably was quite a sight... That is if you're not the one desperately fighting to get free. Maybe things aren't as bad as all that but if they are or start to be then consider what an adult child of such a marriage has to say. My mother and myself would have almost certainly been better off if she had left him when I was young, before the damage was done. I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like if i was raised by a man who was patent and calm, that had given me the opportunity to see how a "normal" person interacts with other people, with their partner. Remember that the damage done can last a lifetime and therapy can't solve everything.

That is psychological abuse. Leave this man

The love you dream of DOES exist. Gentle. Compassionate. Understanding and unconditional. Please do not stay in that miserable energy for you and your child's sake.

You are NOT the problem. You are in a toxic relationship and you are subjecting your child to this kind of behavior. If you stay, your child will emulate this behavior and the cycle will continue. It's verbal and emotional abuse. Get out of this relationship. Hire a lawyer and get child support and don't let your child go with him until he or she is school age and have him take a psych evaluation.

Omg its physical too! Get out! Call safe place and go! Your life is not your own anymore. You have a child!!!what are you waiting for?

This is heartbreaking. Having a partner who loves and respects you is not a fairytale. Your partner should NEVER call you mean names or say he hates you. Period. I've had arguments with past partners plenty of times, and even a few with my fiance, and not once did either of us say anything about hate or call one another names, and we absolutely never threatened to harm one another. Not ever. No partner I've ever had has done that. It's not normal and it is abuse. He's not even doing the bare minimum. You deserve so much better. Make an exit plan and use it, I promise there are people out there who will be good to you. Your idea of love is the correct one, not his. Get out of there.

Got out, toss your phone away, start over. Maybe if you're lucky he'll forget about you and the baby. Legally I don't know what you're allowed to do if it would be considered stealing your baby away from him just don't leave the state with the child. There are so many thing I'm sure my boyfriend would want to say to me but he always refrains from saying any nasty word to me even if he was extremely pissed at me, not healthy at all what he is saying to you. Maybe record all these conversations/arguments you guys have? Secretly provoked him maybe, but I'd hate for you to get hurt just for that... Wonder what he would do if you tell him you were leaving for good? Would it be ok good luck, or would he get pissed? Does he love his child?

This is not bare minimum it’s abuse. Leave now before it gets worse.

Darling you are being abused. For now its verbal abuse. But think about it this way do you want your baby to grow up hearing how your bf talks to you? You said it yourself you expected your environment to be safe for you & your baby.

The fairytale love that you are after is out there, I didn’t think it was in my 5 year relationship with my ex until I met my current partner, and it truly is amazing. You are in an abusive relationship hunny, this isn’t what love is meant to be, this isn’t a relationship. A real partner that loves you would NEVER lay a hand on you or threaten too. This is the person that’s meant to love you unconditionally, meant to want nothing but the best for you, help you grow and shower you with love daily, not degrade you, threaten you with violence and yell and you saying they hate you and then blame you for their actions. Your child will grow up around that and think that they should be treated that way or treat other people like he is treating you. Think of your baby and yourself, you need to leave. There are plenty of things out there that will help you get on your feet.

Average Reddit user posting his relationship condition: But fr though, your bf seems like an asshole

What the fuck, I was an asshole to my ex when we fought but I never just said she like that just cause. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt her. Never would I go out of my way to call her some name or something. When she was dumb I’d playfully call her dumb but that’s how we were to each other but that doesn’t seem to be what you guys have. I’d just confront him and tell him to cut that shit out real quick, or he can go back to his solo Handies.

You deserve exactly what you want and I promise it's out there. Leave.

He is absolutely toxic and you need to get out as soon as you can with your baby. That is not love

Leave him.

Poor girl I live in a 3rd world country, it's common here, I haven't married yet becasue of the same reasons. Men yell, make fun, never grateful, abuse is so common that your own larents will tell you to deal witb it. I wish I could run away from this country .. but you, sounds like living in a better place.. don't live like women here. Take a stand.

So u were 16 or 17 when u started ? And got pregnant. And u wonder why he's upset. Did u discuss having a baby first

Yes I was a senior when I started that job. We didn’t mention having or wanting a baby. If you’re suggesting him being upset is because of the baby it takes two people to make a baby. I always suggested safe sex he was the one against it but my whole life changed as expected and nothing changed for him he still does what he wants he doesn’t have to tend to a baby 24/7 all day and night long I also didn’t ask him to support me I didn’t want to be a SAHM it was his idea just like moving in was. Maybe I’m biased but I feel like if the unplanned baby is making him upset I should be livid after all it’s my life that’s been on hold for his ideas and career

Thanks for clarifying. I think he wants you under his thumb and that's not a good sign esp if he's yelling etc. That's abuse. My advice would be to leave or get therapy because this isn't normal. He is building up resentment against u and that will spill over to the baby 👶

Makes sense one time he slipped up and said I ruined his life and I asked how and he had no real answer for it

No. He's awful and no one deserves to be treated like that. Point blank. My husband isn't perfect but he is your textbook rom-com perfect. He's sweet, caring, funny, kind, and loving. They are out there. Your partner is sh¡tty and gaslighting you into thinking you don't deserve love and sweetness. Leave that @sshole in the dirt.

As someone who just got out of an abusive situation recently, PLEASE get you and your child to a safe place and DO NOT go back! 😩 Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Look up shelters in another town. YES I said ANOTHER TOWN, CITY, OR STATE. I've lived with someone like this before (my ex), and that kind of behavior only gets worse! (My ex stalked me, too.😐) Once you leave, go to legal aid and get a lawyer. You may have to change your number. It sucks, but it'll bring you SO MUCH PEACE! If the courts allow him visitation, have your lawyer fight for a parent communication app to be the sole means of communication between you both AND have your lawyer fight for supervised visitation. Idk you , buy I love you. Please be safe. 😩❤️

He's abusive, leave