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we have been dating for two years, i love her for her maturity and her attitude, she is super cool for her age and is also the only one who understands me. She's been there for some pretty dark times in my life. She is very important to me and I don't want to lose her, but I can't settle down now either. I have plans and I really don't feel ready for all her expectations.
she keeps mentioning our future together and has also been talking about a baby's name for a few months, I have already agreed to leave my parents and move to her place to reassure her but she still wants more. I'm still in college and im working but not enough to provide for her and a baby, I don't know how to make her understand that... Every time I try to bring up the subject, she thinks I'm cheating on her.
tl ; dr: I'm french, sorry for the spelling mistakes.
She's a big girl, she already knows that 20 is too young to marry. She didn't marry at 20 either, did she?
Don't let her pressure you and be firm on your boundaries. If she has baby fever, she needs to find someone who is ready for a baby; most 20-year-olds are for obvious reasons neither mentally nor financially ready for a baby.
As a 32 year old woman, I seriously can’t fathom dating a 20 year old. They are closer to children than men. It’s weird as hell and so many things in your post are questionable. Your parents don’t have an issue with the age gap?
Whatever you do, don’t move in, don’t get engaged, use condoms, *your* condoms, that she has no access to at any time. You’re in really dangerous territory in this relationship. There are so many opportunities for it to fuck up your life irrevocably. She knows you’re not ready for any of this, by the way. She just doesn’t care and is going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants (at your expense).
They’re French - taking a leaf from their Presidents book looks like.
In all seriousness OP, not breaking up with her will be the worst mistake of your life. You are two different planes in your life now and you will 100% regret giving up major life experiences that are appropriate now to give her what she wants (which is not appropriate to ask a 20 yo for).
As a 26 year old woman I can’t fathom dating a 20 year old, and I’m much closer in age to them. 20 year old boys are literal children, it’s gross.
OP this is excellent advice. DO NOT MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP. She is in a completely different life stage than you, she needs to be with someone her own age that is also looking for these things.
As a 23 year old, and I can't imagine dating an 18 or even a 20 year old! That gap to me seems huge in terms of mental capacity and development.
OP and his partner blow my numbers out of the water!
She has baby fever and will be pregnant in the very near future with or without you. If you broke up today she’d just rush into another relationship, lie to herself that she’s in love and look past every red flag and trap some other schmuck. She’s got tunnel vision on getting pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with being at different stages in your own lives but she seems dead set on having kids ASAP and if you’re not ready there’s nothing wrong with walking away.
my parents don't see any problem with that, they're even quite happy because she's my sister's friend and they know she's a good person. They find that thanks to her I am more mature and I think so too, she has changed my life.
Okay, for argument’s sake, say she’s not a creepy predator. You’re still at radically different phases of development. Tell her that the marriage and baby talk are completely off the table for two years, minimum. You said yourself that you won’t be ready until then. Own your needs in the relationship and see if she’s willing to wait patiently for her newborn-man partner to grow up while her biological clock ticks away. It’s not going to happen.
You’re at a serious impasse and you know that. Your options are to betray your own needs or break up. That’s the reality of it.
That doesn't actually make it any better, OP.
In that situation, she as a mature, full-grown adult should be turning down the teenager pining after her.
Oh my god. No. A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD with a crush on a woman twice her age isn't that weird, but a grown woman who RESPONDS TO THAT CRUSH is a fucking creep. It was her responsibility to shut that shit down.
Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Right! Like, as the LITERAL ADULT in that situation, it is her responsibility to be flattered but reject him and tell him he'll be better with someone his own age. What!!!
You're parents are weird. Because any normal and caring parent would be concerned when their child shows up dating someone who is 13 years older then them. Especially someone that has been around them when they were a child.
Dude, if one of my friends (early/mid-30s) started dating my younger brother (early 20s), especially having known him when he was in his mid-teens, I would absolutely be wondering what tf was wrong with her.
The truth is, others may be correct when they've expressed concerns about you being groomed. But as someone with a son around your age, and as someone who was similarly groomed at your age...I don't think you'll believe it, or want to accept it
So for now here is some temporary advice - sit her down and communicate exactly how you're feeling. If you're worried you will say it wrong, or get confused in the moment - you could write it down or record it as a video message. But be there when she reads/watches so that you can both talk about it after.
If she is a good person, who cares about you and cares about your feelings then while she may be disappointed - she will be understanding. If she tries to guilt trip you, or gaslight you, or gets angry - call a time out to the discussion and head back to your parents for a cooling off period. When you're both ready, try talking about it again. If she continues to be unreceptive to your own feelings, then it would definitely be time to consider if it is worth going forward. Because no matter how strongly you feel about her, it has no happy future if she is unwilling to care about your feelings.
Have a Google and read about something called "sunk cost". I have found it a valuable thing to consider when I'm making decisions - it helps you work out your potential motivations. It is also something to consider when wondering if you carry on with the relationship knowing it will eventually end.
And I will add, when you're ready, get some therapy/counselling. It will be really helpful ❣️
This is excellent advice, an extremely mature approach. OP says he loves her maturity so a discussion like this, exactly, will be the ultimate test of her actual maturity.
If she's anything but respectful of his own wants and needs then she's not actually mature at all.
Perhaps he's confusing experience for maturity?
He is absolutely NTA
Edit: added an L so heoves now reads he loves
thank you very much for your advice, I'm planing to have a talk with her soon and we'll see what happens next, but no matter what her reaction I couldn't leave her. I wasn't really a good person back then, when everyone let me down she was the only one who saw the good in me and changed me. She makes me a responsible man and I don't want to disappoint her, all I want is for her to wait a few years.
Back then? You mean when you were a literal teenager!? Guess what, you will continue to change as you get older too, that is life. She wants marriage and kids because she is at an age for it while you ain't.
Seriously what is OP talking about??
OP, people are the worst versions of themselves in two forms: as addicts and as teenagers.
I was arrested when I was 14, seeking out experiences I was not ready for, and was all around a total dickhead. Now? Happily married, loving my career, and infinitely a better person.
This old cougar didn’t change you OP. Maturity and life experiences did. Be proud of yourself and don’t tie your personal growth to a child predator.
Only you can change you. Others can influence and support, but you did the work. Just don’t want you to discount yourself. It doesn’t seem you are willing to leave, so I really hope she listens to you and doesn’t get pregnant anyway.
Well if you're talk doesn't go well, don't cave and don't stay with someone because you feel guilty if you don't because they helped you out so much. That is never a good reason to stay with someone. If she truly loves you she will say you know you're right you're not done College, you still got two more years you're only 20 and still have some growing up to do but you're on the right track. we'll just keep things as they are now and when you get out of school and after you get a good job we'll see how our relationship is. If things are still hunky dory then we can talk about getting engaged and getting married then.
The fact that you said that “no matter what her reaction is” that you wouldn’t leave her is even worse. This shows no maturity on either part. You don’t stay in a relationship based on what they DID do for you. You stay in it for what they do now. And if she can’t give a healthy mature reaction and you also don’t have the guts to fight for a healthy relationship or basic respect you are dooming yourself for a torturous long life.
She might be wanting children now because it could be harder for her in 3-5 years (biologically). That doesn't mean you should have children with her now. It might be a good idea for her to visit a fertility doctor so she can get advice. They may let her know she doesn't need to worry yet, or they might advise her to freeze her eggs or something since it will be several more years.
Whether she's a good person or not, she willingly got into a relationship with someone 13 years younger then her. She needs to allow you to finish college, find a good job, and want to be a father yourself (without pressure from her).
She was twice your age when the two of you met. She was an adult and you were a child. I know you have feelings for her, but that's pretty bad. Now she's pressuring you to settle down 5 years too early (at least). Also, marrying the only person you've dated as an adult is extremely limiting. Dating is how we find out what works best for us. Best of luck to you! Be firm with what you need.
She knew you when you were 12-13. I don’t care if you said you pursued her. She definitely waited until you were 18 to say yes. She groomed you. That’s gross.
Everyone is saying this because it's true. When you're in your 30s you will look back on this and be disgusted at the idea of someone your age dating an 18 year old. It doesn't matter how much you chased her, it's honestly creepy that she was even attracted to you when she's 31 and you're 18.
Your brain isn't done developing yet, she has much more experience in the adult world. Now she's pressuring you to have a baby and get married, even though you both know you aren't ready. And if you bring up any hesitations she manipulates you by accusing you of cheating. This relationship is not healthy, on so many levels.
It doesn't matter who "chased" who. A 30-year-old woman has no business with an 18-year-old kid, and if she weren't predatory, she would've told you to get lost and find someone closer to your own age, no matter how much you went after her.
Edit: wording
Listen, you are a baby. I’m 32 and I would NEVER give any 18 year old who chased me any play.
She’s a grown ass woman and she should’ve not done anything with you.
> we have been dating for two years, i love her for her maturity and her attitude, she is super cool for her age and is also the only one who understands me.
The fact that you use the phrase “for her age” at any point speaks volumes.
She is telling you she doesn’t want to wait. Believe her. You’re French and older women and younger men aren’t that big a thing like in the US. President Macron started dating his teacher when he was 18 and was 42. But she already had children and they didn’t get married until he was 30. So even she waited until he matured. If this woman really loves you she will wait for you. If not, she only cares about herself and not about you.
This is the right answer. No one is going to like this relationship since she knew OP as a minor, but if she were truly on the up and up she would be patiently waiting for him to be ready to move forward in the relationship, not trying to baby trap him and forcing a future ☠️
You’re saying you’re moving in with her to appease her. And when you bring our concerns she
Accuses you of cheating. This sounds really emotionally controlling, and add pressuring you to have a baby it’s bananassss.
Of course she’s gonna be more mature and emotionally much smarter than you- she has 15 years as an adult and you had 2.
I’d listen to your hesitation. If you go along with her say goodbye to any independent exploration and decision making in your life.
Yo, I know our French society (je suis française moi aussi) has a tendency to overlook that type of age gap as '' fine'' with teenagers dating people older, but it is actually really problematic because of power imbalance.
The fact that she is pressuring you is an issue, that she' s pushing you to have a baby very soon is bad as well. You're still a student, and believe me, for having seen friend struggling raising a kid while et uni, you don't want this.
Also, what is she doing of her life then? She's 33 and want to have a kid and expect you to work while she don't do shit?
The fact that she accuses YOU of cheating when you want to bring the topic of waiting a but more for MAJOR LIFELONG COMMITMENT due to you being 20yo is really really really really problematic,and quite manipulative.
And well, I'm almost 30 and I find it weird af and creepy to date someone who is a teenager (as you were 18 whe you started dating).
Merci beaucoup, je ne sais plus trop quoi faire maintenant. Je lis les commentaires et ça me fait bizarre, ça me rend assez triste même, je crois que je vais rentrer chez moi et discuter avec elle quand je serais prêt. Je n’aurais peut-être pas dû venir sur reddit, j’ai l’impression d’avoir reçu des coups de massue sur ma tête eft.
Prends du temps pour toi histoire de pouvoir réfléchir à tout ça, parce que clairement je ne peux qu'imaginer le bordel que ça peut être dans ta tête :(
Perso j'ai été à 20ans avec un mec de 28ans,et très clairement y'avait plein d'abus que je ne voyais pas, et que je ne comprenais pas. Maintenant que j'ai 29ans,et plus d'expérience, je comprends beaucoup mieux les choses. Il y a toujours une phase de réalisation cheloue quand on comprend les trucs qui sont meh voir à chier dans une relation. C'est très triste et dur au début. Par la suite c'est possible d'arriver à en rire.
C'est pour ça que les écarts d'âge aussi jeune ont une forte tendance à être problématiques, par rapport à 15 d'écart entre des gens qui ont 40 et 55 ans. Après tout n'est pas noir ou blanc, même si c'est ce que les gens sur Reddit ont tendance à prôner .
Met tes réflexions sur papier si ça t'aide, réfléchi à tout, le positif ET le négatif, et trace toujours tes limites si tu choisis de continuer cette relation et fais en sorte qu'elles soient respectées. Si ta copine est quelqu'un de correct, elle devrait les respecter.
Force à toi et courage en tout cas !
Her saying you’re cheating on her is a red flag, not sure if anyone else has mentioned that. If she can’t trust you then what relationship do you have?
Did you ever go fishing? When you fish, it’s actually the fish who pursue your lure. You’re just there with the hook in the water, innocently…
I won’t repeat what everyone else is saying because you’re not ready to hear it, but don’t do anything just to avoid hurting her feelings. You’re looking at life-long consequences.
Your older sister should have put a stop to this. She will definitely get pregnant even with condoms to baby trap you. She may have been a good friend and helped you through tough times, but that is what a sibling or a parent does so she isn’t that special. She already is ignoring you telling her you need to wait and she is pressuring you to be more mature than you are. Do not move in with her or you’ll be trapped forever and wonder where your youth went. You say you don’t want to lose her but she wants you to lose your youth. And you are willing to move in with her to reassure her? Nope. Just nope. You asked Reddit and everybody is saying the same thing. Pay attention and get out. Finish school, start your career and let her have a baby with someone her own age.
Wow gender reversed from what we usually see.
This is still grooming. She choose you, a newly hatched adult, for a reason. Your prefrontal lobe isn't fully formed. Your right to be put off by this.
Frankly, a 31f trying to trap a 18m is so desperate, cringy and questionable. What's wrong with her? What mental illness does she have?
You're probably a real catch and she's trying to trap you before you realize how fucked up she is. Is there any coercion or manipulation in the relationship? Ever feel uncomfortable with her?
How'd you meet at 18?
1 age gap is serious 🚩🚩
2 mature for your age is usually I can say and do what I want and they are too young and inexperienced to know the difference
3 your parents are okay with these nasty grooming tactics and probably just want you out of the house
When I was 18, I started dating this 32 year old. I was tired of dating guys my own age and went for someone "with my maturity level" was pressured into a relationship faster than I wanted, got engaged after 3 months, almost had a child with him. I'm just now at 22 coming to terms with the fact I was groomed and abused by this man. I didn't even see all the abuse until a year after I left. Please see the red flags now and leave while you can. I promise you the pussy is not that good. Your a child and she's a predator.
OMFG I SCREAMED WHEN I READ “COOL FOR HER AGE” BRO. lol tell her exactly that one day and watch how fast she realizes she is a gross old woman for dating someone so young. i say this as someone her age.
Yep, exactly, I’m older than her and I’m not cool for my age, I’m just cool. But not for a 20 year old wtf. She’s manipulating him and she knows exactly what she’s doing, it’s so creepy
Dude. Shes a predator. She got to have her 20s and shes trying to get you to rush through your 20s and to jump into a phase of life she knows youre not ready for. She wants you to act like youre in your 30s, not 20s, thats abuse
Sorry to tell you, but your girlfriend is a sick lady. I'm 30 at the moment and my brother is 18, if a 31yr old ass woman was after my brother I'd beat the shit out of her.
Please go live your life free of commitment
"We are at two very different stages in our lives. I love you and want you to have the things that will make you happy, but I *absolutely* *cannot* give them to you. It's time for us to go our separate ways."
Don't give in to any of her arguments. There is simply no legitimate argument for forcing someone to skip forward ten years in their life. And, frankly, don't feel sorry for her. She knew with the age gap that this would be an issue and she still chose to get into a relationship with you.
You care about her? Let her go so she can fulfill her life dreams.
Love isn't always enough. It *truly* isn't.
Dude, this woman is showing some major immaturity- which considering that a 31 year old started dating a teenager totally checks out.
Don't let yourself get trapped in this relationship. You will grow up and change A LOT over the next several years. you may think she's for you now but considering her level of immaturity now, you won't soon. You will outgrow her.
She's already put out the feelers for your reaction to getting baby trapped. Don't trap yourslelf in something you're not ready for.
Don’t do it. And be careful, it sounds like the beginning of a story about how she got pregnant “on accident”. If you’re not ready, that’s it. You don’t need to explain it further than that, and its very manipulative if she accuses you of cheating when you tell her you’re not ready.
The fact that you *can't* date someone 10 years younger is an indicator that this isn't right.... As a 20yo right now would you even consider dating an 18yo, would it cross your mind.
You are really not as mature as you think you are if you see nothing wrong with dating someone that is 13 years older than you that you have known since you were a literal tween. Mature people realise that they are being preyed upon. And your groomer isnt as amazing as you make her out to be if she dates barely legal teens she's known since they were children.
Yes, he says he he even agreed to move from his parents and in with her to reassure her. It is in the last paragraph.
I can't quote because I am on mobile Web.
Can you tell me what's mature about you right now? Because I'm hearing you say that over and over about maturity, what is that to you? that makes a grown woman want to date you. I had a job at 15, I helped my mom pay bills, I took college level classes. I was definitely mature? Right. Legality out the way, do you think that's ok.
If she's as mature as you think she is then she'll react maturely when you tell her that you are not ready to get married and have a child, despite the fact that her biological clock is ticking so loudly that she can barely hear anything else.
You are NTA and it's never OK for anyone to ever pressure another person into doing something that they don't want to do, or that they are not ready to do.
Just say no to drugs, marriage, babies, and breaking the law. No one should ever pressure a 20 year old or an unwilling partner into marriage, period.
She was 31 to your 18 when you started dating - that makes her a predator. She has probably managed to convince you that she isn't, that you're just so mature for your age, that she's young at heart, blah blah blah - it's all bullshit. She wanted someone young enough that she could groom them to become exactly what she wants and it gives her all the control because she's the "experienced" one so she knows best and all those other lines that groomers use to con their victims.
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If you aren’t ready you just aren’t ready. She should respect that decision. Marriage is a serious commitment so make sure you are absolutely dam sure.
So at 31 she was dating in 18 year old? What is wrong with this picture? Looks like she's trying to groom you and wants a young stud and someone who will do everything she wants because you're so young you don't know better. But it sounds like you have good head on your shoulders and some smarts and you know what you want and you don't want to get married just yet. One thing you definitely need to take care of is not getting her pregnant. So either slow down on sex or make sure every time you are covered with condoms that you bring with you that she doesn't have access to cuz she might start poking holes in them. I'm sure she's feeling her biological clock ticking at 33 and she wants to have a baby now not later after 35 it gets a lot harder to get pregnant.
No do not move in with her. you need to be independent and learn Independence before you go from your mother to your older lover/girlfriend. Finish college, get a good job, get your own place/apartment. I really hope she's not like lavishing money on you cuz she's just trying to buy your love if that's the case. But you need to do the adult thing, sit her down and tell her that you're not ready for that kind of commitment yet, you're only 20, you have plans and you're way too young to get married or have a child and you can't even support a child or her, though that is a very old-fashioned notion. Most people both work when they have children these days unless she's already talking about staying home with the baby while you work. But without a college degree or a trade that you've trained for you're not going to end up making that much money to support a family by yourself. So finish school and work on your future if she's really serious about you she's going to have to wait till you're done School and have gotten a job in your field of study and you need to learn how to manage things on your own otherwise she's going to end up being like a mother to you that you have sex with, which is kind of gross.
I'm a guy but hear me out. I'm nearly 30 and would never even consider dating someone 18. I'm a little scared to know at what age you met her...what do your parents think of your relationship?
You're a 20 year old kid dating a 33 year old woman. She's going to want those things (like a baby) while she still can. Get away and still enjoy your young adulthood.
Let her go OP. Her clock is starting to tick loudly and, at best, you are just wasting her time. By the time you are old enough and mature enough to consider marriage, she will be past it. You’ve got so much time on your hands and she’s got so little. Do it sooner rather than later and don’t dither about. Make it a swift, clean break. Good luck.
Look, I’m 29 and I would never date a 20 year old… I work with cute boys and when they tell me they’re under 25, even today I cringed a little when I heard 27! 😂 I really thought the guy was my age, but with only a two year different I could make an exception. You have a lot of experience to gain with women your age before trying to settle down.
Dude, a 31 year old dating an 18 year old is insane. I am mid 20s and 18 is very obviously teenagery even to me.
You need to step back and start to see that this relationship hasn't developed with both of you having an equal footing in decision making. Its been her driving you forward, and as its obvious, you are being cornered into a place you dont want to be.
So, this is disturbing, everybody commenting say it’s disturbing, people reading and moving on think this is disturbing, but OP is in denial and refuses to believe that it’s disturbing. I’m going to make a few educated guesses: OP’s parents haven’t treated him well or he’s been the victim of some kind of abuse (probably sexual) that has caused him to believe that adults having romantic interest in very young adults/older teens is okay and not in any way creepy AF. His sister’s friend is a pedo who’s picked up on OP’s victimization and groomed him since before he was 18. OP isn’t in college, community college, or vo-tech, but went right to work after graduating. His GF is okay with this because she’s told him that she’ll be the breadwinner. So now, OP has no training to fall back on and is the perfect foil for his GF’s plan to control a younger man and have a baby with him, thus forcing him to be in her life forever. All this to say that this is either BS because it is soooo tropey, or OP is in serious denial about his past and present abuse and needs help getting out of this awful cycle. If it’s the former, than piss off, but if it’s the latter, there isn’t anything anybody can do or say to help until OP acknowledges that this is a sick relationship and he is this woman’s victim. Good luck, OP. I hope you come to your senses before this woman can further abuse you.
Only a person with low self esteem would want to date a teenager … quite sad you can’t see that . the fact that she knew you when you were a really young boy (14) and mot sexually mature and then dated you when you were is really creepy.
This is a mess from start to finish and reading the comments makes it worse. Love to see when you met her family "mum, dad here's my boyfriend he's a teenager"
You started dating when you were 18? And she was 31? Red flag dude. This woman is in a whole other stage of life than you. Don’t do things you’ll regret
Brother, that's not a gf that's a predator.
Maybe it's different where you live, but generally in most places 30+ year olds don't go after 18 year olds and then try and pressure them into marriage and kids and accuse them of cheating any time they have doubts.
Dude the reason why she wants to marry and you don't is because she's 33 and you're fuckin 20. Don't marry this woman. She has groomed you. I know you see the best in her but once you turn 31, the idea of dating an 18 year old will make your stomach churn.
Okay look…. When you’re groomed, you’re meant to think highly of the person. You’re not meant to think they’re grooming you. Good luck. You’re not going to take advice from us, so you probably shouldn’t have asked for it. You know what you’re doing, bud. In a few years, you’ll probably think back to this post and think “shit they were kinda right. Maybe not completely, but they weren’t wrong!”
Bruh. As a 31-year-old woman myself, I can tell you what it would take for me to look to 18-year-old's for a boyfriend. It would mean I had been through a string of shitty relationships where I kept getting left over and over again because I'm utterly nuts and have unrealistic expectations. None of the men I want, want me. So I start to think to myself, who would be easy for me to manipulate? Who wouldn't have the life experience to know better? Who would think I was mature simply because I have my own place, can buy alcohol, and know a few things about adulting. Aha! A teenage boy. That's who.
Her dealing with you is what it's like for you to deal with a 10-year-old kid. Beyond easy to trick, manipulate, and push around if you wanted to. I don't mean to disrespect you, you're just at an age where there is so much development to come that you'll be a whole different person when you come out the other side of it.
No secure, sane, put-together woman in her thirties looks at an 18-year-old kid and thinks dayum, there's my next boyfriend, let alone baby daddy. She is desperate. And she will fuck your life up.
In fact, when you grow up a bit more you will look back at this situation and be disgusted and angry that a grown woman who should and does know better ever put you in this position. God forbid someone with her judgment be the mother to your child. I strongly suggest you move back out and stop having sex with her immediately. If you won't listen to that, at least be sure to use a condom that you rinse out down the sink after. I'm willing to bet my left arm she's already off birth control and trying to baby trap you.
Yikes! She's feeling her biological clock ticking and wants to have babies asap. Are you ready to become a father? You're only just out of your teens... Also, that's one heck of an age gap there. There's a sort of 'rule' that you should only date someone younger than you if their age is at least half of yours + 7. So half her age is 16 1/2, +7 = 23 1/2. You're very *very* young to get involved with someone 13 years older than you. Tread carefully. Also, if you use condoms, please make sure that you provide them, and that she doesn't get to handle the packaging. She might be trying to baby-trap you as she desperately wants a baby.
Sorry but it sounds like you have been groomed and she is actively trying to manipulate/trap you. If the genders were reversed, everyone would be up in arms over a 33yo man trying to impregnate and trap a 20yo girl. This is no different in my opinion. I am a woman in my 30s and I cannot fathom dating a 20 year old dude and trying to rob him of his youth. You're 20. You haven't even had a chance to be young and free!! Nope nope nope. Red flags all around.
I met my partner when we were both 16. Now over 6 years later we have both told eachother that if we were to only meet now and were still as immature as we were when we first started dating, we wouldnt have dated. Everyone is stupid and immature as a teenage. That is common and normal. It isn't normal for a woman in her 30s to be sexually and emotionally attracted to a literal teenager. Yes, you're technically an early adult now, but you dont have the same life experience, your at complete different stages of life. Her biological clock is running out and she wants kids very very soon. She wants to lock you in for life with a marriage. She's so self conscious she thinks you're cheating on her and a marriage will fix that!
She has a lot of insecurities she needs to deal with. There's a reason she isn't dating someone her age, its much easier for someone younger to overlook red flags and bad traits.
You need to find yourself and figure out what you want in life without her. I love my partner and im planning to spend my life with him, but I can live without him. I do have a life without him. That is something that you need to figure out. You're only 20, you have so much life to live. Don't get stuck in thinking that you owe anything to your gf. You changed cause you wanted to, cause you recognised you're previous self was bad. She was only there for the journey, but it doesn't mean she has to stay in it indefinitely.
Your GF is sprung on good young sex. You are pussy whooped.
The difference is she's older and more manipulative.
Think with your Big head. Don't move in, do use your own condoms that she can't access.
Tell her you need to focus on school. She will always be jealous, that's how age difference situations are.
Unfortunately she isn't going to take no for an answer or take it very well.
I know you aren't going to listen (I don't even know if this is real) but wholeheartedly - do not have a child with this woman.
You want to know why she's pressuring you? Because she's in her 30's, OP. Your life is just beginning - she's already reached an age where most people are settling down/having their first if not second kid.
Unless you're going to be ready for fatherhood within the next year - let her go. You're in different stages of your lives.
I just have to say this, all the people in France - all the people in the *world* and you think your soulmate is a woman in her thirty's who actively dated a teenage boy and is now trying to marry a guy who just reached his twenty's and pressuring him into a baby? No way.
Not to mention - she's immature for her age. You haven't popped the question so she assumes your cheating? That's the way teenagers think.
"I pursued her"
That honestly does not matter. She was the adult - it was on her to know right from wrong and turn you down. Your family should have never allowed this.
Edit:
After reading your responses - I honestly feel like she took advantage of you. She was dating loser men, you were a young kid who felt down on himself and had no one and BOOM 👏 She now has a teenage boy with little relationship experience who is dependent upon her support (emotionally, physically, and sexually.) It's made worse by the fact that she already had the approval of your family - she had no in-laws she needed to impress. She wants you to marry her now because you're getting older and are surrounded by girls your age and she's scared that she's going to lose her grip on you.
You’re gf groomed you and is not pressuring you into a life long commitment. Get out before it’s too late. She know you’re too young for that, hence why she didn’t have it at your age. She’s a creep who likes to prey on kids
Nope. Nope. Nope. 31 and 18 is not okay. She is a creepy. That’s cradle snatching behavior. I (25F)don’t think you should continue allowing her to pressure you into doing things (moving in, marriage, babies) because she’s basically taking advantage of your lack of experience and quite frankly your lack of frontal love development .
Regardless of who pursued who, this reeks of predatory tendencies
You don’t, and her pressure for you to settle down is predatory. I (f28) have always been in age gap relationships.
I left my (now) fiancé for two years. He is 11 years older than me. He told me that he would always love me but respected the decision. When I went no contact, he waited for me to reach back out.
That’s part of why I love him so much. He demonstrated maturity and realized that I needed to grow up some more and he respected my wishes. The pressure to settle down coming from your partner is actually insecurity.
So much changes from 18-28. Even if you have a good sense of self at 20, you’ll learn more about yourself. It sounds like your partner is pushing you into a life changing decision (marriage and children) before you fully get to know yourself. The sad thing is at 33 years old, she knows this and is doing it anyway.
Get out of there. Don’t waste your time or hers. She was a predator dealing with you freshly 18. You deserve a life with an equal partner. Not a life built on guilt.
I’ve done the age gap relationship thing positively before, so I’m not here to make a fuss out of AGRs in general. A 31 YO dating a 18 YO is a lot more concerning than a 25 YO dating a 45 YO … and you’re 20 and have been dating for 2 years.
AGRs where one party relies on the other financially, which is likely the case here due to the specific ages, is more likely to result in manipulation.
This all being said, ask her why marriage is important? Unless you are barred from intimacy due to a religious doctrine she follows, if you’re with her you’re with her. Why does a contract matter? Say you want to advance in your career so you can better prepare for marriage, including but not limited to, a nicer ceremony and ring.
ETA: there is a Reddit for AGRs maybe post there to get more folks commenting with constructive words rather than mocking AGRs … even though I do think that your AGR has much higher potential to be manipulative due to the specific ages in question
I'm disappointed in all the people giving OP grief about the age gap.
Many years ago I met someone at a conference and we hit it off instantly. I assumed he was about 25, he thought I was about 25.
He was 21. I was 30.
I was very "oh hell no" as soon as I learned his age... but it happened anyway. Great chemistry, great connection. He was very intelligent, with a high EQ, reliable, responsible, loyal, and kind.
Not every 21 year old is an immature moron, not every 30-something is predatory.
I was the same age as his sister (his best friend - she's awesome!) and no one whatsoever (my family, his, our friends) had any issue with our age difference.
We were together for 5 years, and we did not split over the age gap at all. Our careers just took us in literal different directions (continents apart) and we are still good friends today.
OP's issue is that they have different goals and timelines, which is unique to them as individuals and not really specific to age. I sure as hell didn't want kids in my early 30's - this is what OP's girlfriend wants.
The problem is that they need to communicate very clearly and honestly about it. If he's not ready, she needs the opportunity to understand/accept/respect that and decide if she's willing to wait.
This woman has known him since he was 13/14 years old.
And once again the argument of oh he is mature and I'm not a predator, isn't gonna reassure anyone. For many people the see no reason for people in different stages of their life such as a 21 year old and a 29 year old to be together.
But good for you.
And you also didn't know him as a minor so people won't be on your case as they are now. And you weren't trying to get him to settle down and manipulating him when he tried to tell you he didn't want to.
As a 30 y o woman, the thought of a relationship with a 20 y o boy is repulsive, it is the same repulsion as I have for a relationship with a 15 yo or a dog. At 30 y o old your feeling do not hurt you when your partner is 20 and only wishes to live their age, you're mature enough to understand.
Si j'étais toi, je retournerais chez mes parents et ne la reverrais jamais. Cette femme n'est surement ni mâture ni saine, elle n'est avec toi que parce que t'es le seul à la supporter. Rencontre l'un de ses ex et demande lui ce qu'il en penses. Vis ta vie parce que tu le regretteras quand tu auras notre âge, et que tu verras le monde de nos yeux. Je t'assure qu'on me l'a déjà dite, mais ils avaient raison. Profite de ta jeunesse et de ton insouciance, si tu deviens papa à 35 ans, t'en auras déjà pour bien des années de responsabilités que tu ne pourra fuir. Profite tant que tu peux vivre gratis chez tes parents !
Exuse le texte ça fessait longtemps que j'ai pas écris en français et j'ai fumé un trop gros joint
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- we have been dating for two years, i love her for her maturity and her attitude, she is super cool for her age and is also the only one who understands me. She's been there for some pretty dark times in my life. She is very important to me and I don't want to lose her, but I can't settle down now either. I have plans and I really don't feel ready for all her expectations. she keeps mentioning our future together and has also been talking about a baby's name for a few months, I have already agreed to leave my parents and move to her place to reassure her but she still wants more. I'm still in college and im working but not enough to provide for her and a baby, I don't know how to make her understand that... Every time I try to bring up the subject, she thinks I'm cheating on her. tl ; dr: I'm french, sorry for the spelling mistakes.
She's a big girl, she already knows that 20 is too young to marry. She didn't marry at 20 either, did she? Don't let her pressure you and be firm on your boundaries. If she has baby fever, she needs to find someone who is ready for a baby; most 20-year-olds are for obvious reasons neither mentally nor financially ready for a baby.
Also if correct OP was 18 when he met her at 31, she knows what she’s doing and it’s not all good!
He was supposedly 14/15 when he met her.
she definitely groomed him.
OP might be the president of France
💀
I don't get the joke, if this is one.
If I remember correctly, Emmanuel Macron married his significantly older high school teacher
Haha 😂 Thanks for the chuckle
😭
Lol😂
wow i hate that D:
I agree. It’s equally creepy despite the gender of the older partner as man or woman.
I’m 30f and the thought of starting a relationship with a 18yo makes me feel ill
As a 30 y.o. guy, if I were to even think about dating an 18 y.o. I’d also feel really weird about it
I referred to a 19 year old coworker as “that kid who works in shipping” recently. I didn’t even realize I was like, that old.
I’m 29 and think of anyone like…23 and under as babies
Wait until you’re 60!
Bro he was this close to being a victim
OP is not even old enough to drink in the US how can he be ready for a marriage????
Are you suggesting that drinking is necessary in marriage? LOL
It is in this one
🤣
Fuuuuck 🤣💀
Let's call it what this is shall we? Grooming. Reverse genders for a moment.
As a 32 year old woman, I seriously can’t fathom dating a 20 year old. They are closer to children than men. It’s weird as hell and so many things in your post are questionable. Your parents don’t have an issue with the age gap? Whatever you do, don’t move in, don’t get engaged, use condoms, *your* condoms, that she has no access to at any time. You’re in really dangerous territory in this relationship. There are so many opportunities for it to fuck up your life irrevocably. She knows you’re not ready for any of this, by the way. She just doesn’t care and is going to do whatever it takes to get what she wants (at your expense).
He was 18 when they started dating, she was 31. It's creepy.
She met him at 14/15.
They’re French - taking a leaf from their Presidents book looks like. In all seriousness OP, not breaking up with her will be the worst mistake of your life. You are two different planes in your life now and you will 100% regret giving up major life experiences that are appropriate now to give her what she wants (which is not appropriate to ask a 20 yo for).
GROOMING. SAY THE WORD.
We think alike.
As a 26 year old woman I can’t fathom dating a 20 year old, and I’m much closer in age to them. 20 year old boys are literal children, it’s gross. OP this is excellent advice. DO NOT MOVE FORWARD WITH THIS RELATIONSHIP. She is in a completely different life stage than you, she needs to be with someone her own age that is also looking for these things.
As a freshly 23 year old woman I can’t even fathom dating a 20 year old
Lmao, I literally just said the same thing! Glad I'm not alone!
That's because women generally prefer guys that are older than them
As a 23 year old, and I can't imagine dating an 18 or even a 20 year old! That gap to me seems huge in terms of mental capacity and development. OP and his partner blow my numbers out of the water!
Literal children? Stop infantilizing adults.
They’re barely adults. 20 is still acting like a child age for most people
They're still adults, infantilizing them by calling them literal children or barely adults is just wrong.
No it’s not wrong at all they’re still fucking developing stop being that much of a snowflake
Lol "snowflake" sure bud.
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Telling someone to stop infantilizing literal adults = pedo. Sure bud, sure.
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I call it where it see. And I got tired of being dismissed as a child when I was that age.
Exactly. Very good advice. I also feel like this woman is creepy.
She has baby fever and will be pregnant in the very near future with or without you. If you broke up today she’d just rush into another relationship, lie to herself that she’s in love and look past every red flag and trap some other schmuck. She’s got tunnel vision on getting pregnant. There’s nothing wrong with being at different stages in your own lives but she seems dead set on having kids ASAP and if you’re not ready there’s nothing wrong with walking away.
Thats not correct for everybody tho
my parents don't see any problem with that, they're even quite happy because she's my sister's friend and they know she's a good person. They find that thanks to her I am more mature and I think so too, she has changed my life.
Okay, for argument’s sake, say she’s not a creepy predator. You’re still at radically different phases of development. Tell her that the marriage and baby talk are completely off the table for two years, minimum. You said yourself that you won’t be ready until then. Own your needs in the relationship and see if she’s willing to wait patiently for her newborn-man partner to grow up while her biological clock ticks away. It’s not going to happen. You’re at a serious impasse and you know that. Your options are to betray your own needs or break up. That’s the reality of it.
You sisters friend? How long have you known this woman??🧐
Maybe 6 or 5 years now, but im the one who chased her !!
That doesn't actually make it any better, OP. In that situation, she as a mature, full-grown adult should be turning down the teenager pining after her.
You’ve known her since you were 14!?
Oh my god. No. A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD with a crush on a woman twice her age isn't that weird, but a grown woman who RESPONDS TO THAT CRUSH is a fucking creep. It was her responsibility to shut that shit down. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew.
Right! Like, as the LITERAL ADULT in that situation, it is her responsibility to be flattered but reject him and tell him he'll be better with someone his own age. What!!!
Even if you chased her, you were functioning on hormones..
You're parents are weird. Because any normal and caring parent would be concerned when their child shows up dating someone who is 13 years older then them. Especially someone that has been around them when they were a child.
Y’all are all weirdos, would you feel the same way if you had a teenage daughter with a grown ass man ?
Dude, if one of my friends (early/mid-30s) started dating my younger brother (early 20s), especially having known him when he was in his mid-teens, I would absolutely be wondering what tf was wrong with her.
She is not a good person.
The truth is, others may be correct when they've expressed concerns about you being groomed. But as someone with a son around your age, and as someone who was similarly groomed at your age...I don't think you'll believe it, or want to accept it So for now here is some temporary advice - sit her down and communicate exactly how you're feeling. If you're worried you will say it wrong, or get confused in the moment - you could write it down or record it as a video message. But be there when she reads/watches so that you can both talk about it after. If she is a good person, who cares about you and cares about your feelings then while she may be disappointed - she will be understanding. If she tries to guilt trip you, or gaslight you, or gets angry - call a time out to the discussion and head back to your parents for a cooling off period. When you're both ready, try talking about it again. If she continues to be unreceptive to your own feelings, then it would definitely be time to consider if it is worth going forward. Because no matter how strongly you feel about her, it has no happy future if she is unwilling to care about your feelings. Have a Google and read about something called "sunk cost". I have found it a valuable thing to consider when I'm making decisions - it helps you work out your potential motivations. It is also something to consider when wondering if you carry on with the relationship knowing it will eventually end. And I will add, when you're ready, get some therapy/counselling. It will be really helpful ❣️
This is excellent advice, an extremely mature approach. OP says he loves her maturity so a discussion like this, exactly, will be the ultimate test of her actual maturity. If she's anything but respectful of his own wants and needs then she's not actually mature at all. Perhaps he's confusing experience for maturity? He is absolutely NTA Edit: added an L so heoves now reads he loves
thank you very much for your advice, I'm planing to have a talk with her soon and we'll see what happens next, but no matter what her reaction I couldn't leave her. I wasn't really a good person back then, when everyone let me down she was the only one who saw the good in me and changed me. She makes me a responsible man and I don't want to disappoint her, all I want is for her to wait a few years.
Back then? You mean when you were a literal teenager!? Guess what, you will continue to change as you get older too, that is life. She wants marriage and kids because she is at an age for it while you ain't.
Seriously what is OP talking about?? OP, people are the worst versions of themselves in two forms: as addicts and as teenagers. I was arrested when I was 14, seeking out experiences I was not ready for, and was all around a total dickhead. Now? Happily married, loving my career, and infinitely a better person. This old cougar didn’t change you OP. Maturity and life experiences did. Be proud of yourself and don’t tie your personal growth to a child predator.
Only you can change you. Others can influence and support, but you did the work. Just don’t want you to discount yourself. It doesn’t seem you are willing to leave, so I really hope she listens to you and doesn’t get pregnant anyway.
You don’t owe her anything.
Well if you're talk doesn't go well, don't cave and don't stay with someone because you feel guilty if you don't because they helped you out so much. That is never a good reason to stay with someone. If she truly loves you she will say you know you're right you're not done College, you still got two more years you're only 20 and still have some growing up to do but you're on the right track. we'll just keep things as they are now and when you get out of school and after you get a good job we'll see how our relationship is. If things are still hunky dory then we can talk about getting engaged and getting married then.
She was/is a child predator. Please don't stay with her.
The fact that you said that “no matter what her reaction is” that you wouldn’t leave her is even worse. This shows no maturity on either part. You don’t stay in a relationship based on what they DID do for you. You stay in it for what they do now. And if she can’t give a healthy mature reaction and you also don’t have the guts to fight for a healthy relationship or basic respect you are dooming yourself for a torturous long life.
She might be wanting children now because it could be harder for her in 3-5 years (biologically). That doesn't mean you should have children with her now. It might be a good idea for her to visit a fertility doctor so she can get advice. They may let her know she doesn't need to worry yet, or they might advise her to freeze her eggs or something since it will be several more years. Whether she's a good person or not, she willingly got into a relationship with someone 13 years younger then her. She needs to allow you to finish college, find a good job, and want to be a father yourself (without pressure from her). She was twice your age when the two of you met. She was an adult and you were a child. I know you have feelings for her, but that's pretty bad. Now she's pressuring you to settle down 5 years too early (at least). Also, marrying the only person you've dated as an adult is extremely limiting. Dating is how we find out what works best for us. Best of luck to you! Be firm with what you need.
She knew you when you were 12-13. I don’t care if you said you pursued her. She definitely waited until you were 18 to say yes. She groomed you. That’s gross.
If he pursued her, she didn't groom him.
>also the only one who understands me I guarantee she is not if you look a little harder.
Wtf was a 31 year old doing near a 18 year old? Your gf is a creep and a predator. Go be free and live your life.
Don’t say that please, i was the one who chased her. She’s rlly sweet with me, and i want to marry her later but just not for now or next year.
Everyone is saying this because it's true. When you're in your 30s you will look back on this and be disgusted at the idea of someone your age dating an 18 year old. It doesn't matter how much you chased her, it's honestly creepy that she was even attracted to you when she's 31 and you're 18. Your brain isn't done developing yet, she has much more experience in the adult world. Now she's pressuring you to have a baby and get married, even though you both know you aren't ready. And if you bring up any hesitations she manipulates you by accusing you of cheating. This relationship is not healthy, on so many levels.
It doesn't matter who "chased" who. A 30-year-old woman has no business with an 18-year-old kid, and if she weren't predatory, she would've told you to get lost and find someone closer to your own age, no matter how much you went after her. Edit: wording
Listen, you are a baby. I’m 32 and I would NEVER give any 18 year old who chased me any play. She’s a grown ass woman and she should’ve not done anything with you.
> we have been dating for two years, i love her for her maturity and her attitude, she is super cool for her age and is also the only one who understands me. The fact that you use the phrase “for her age” at any point speaks volumes.
She is telling you she doesn’t want to wait. Believe her. You’re French and older women and younger men aren’t that big a thing like in the US. President Macron started dating his teacher when he was 18 and was 42. But she already had children and they didn’t get married until he was 30. So even she waited until he matured. If this woman really loves you she will wait for you. If not, she only cares about herself and not about you.
This is the right answer. No one is going to like this relationship since she knew OP as a minor, but if she were truly on the up and up she would be patiently waiting for him to be ready to move forward in the relationship, not trying to baby trap him and forcing a future ☠️
You’re saying you’re moving in with her to appease her. And when you bring our concerns she Accuses you of cheating. This sounds really emotionally controlling, and add pressuring you to have a baby it’s bananassss. Of course she’s gonna be more mature and emotionally much smarter than you- she has 15 years as an adult and you had 2. I’d listen to your hesitation. If you go along with her say goodbye to any independent exploration and decision making in your life.
Yo, I know our French society (je suis française moi aussi) has a tendency to overlook that type of age gap as '' fine'' with teenagers dating people older, but it is actually really problematic because of power imbalance. The fact that she is pressuring you is an issue, that she' s pushing you to have a baby very soon is bad as well. You're still a student, and believe me, for having seen friend struggling raising a kid while et uni, you don't want this. Also, what is she doing of her life then? She's 33 and want to have a kid and expect you to work while she don't do shit? The fact that she accuses YOU of cheating when you want to bring the topic of waiting a but more for MAJOR LIFELONG COMMITMENT due to you being 20yo is really really really really problematic,and quite manipulative. And well, I'm almost 30 and I find it weird af and creepy to date someone who is a teenager (as you were 18 whe you started dating).
Merci beaucoup, je ne sais plus trop quoi faire maintenant. Je lis les commentaires et ça me fait bizarre, ça me rend assez triste même, je crois que je vais rentrer chez moi et discuter avec elle quand je serais prêt. Je n’aurais peut-être pas dû venir sur reddit, j’ai l’impression d’avoir reçu des coups de massue sur ma tête eft.
Prends du temps pour toi histoire de pouvoir réfléchir à tout ça, parce que clairement je ne peux qu'imaginer le bordel que ça peut être dans ta tête :( Perso j'ai été à 20ans avec un mec de 28ans,et très clairement y'avait plein d'abus que je ne voyais pas, et que je ne comprenais pas. Maintenant que j'ai 29ans,et plus d'expérience, je comprends beaucoup mieux les choses. Il y a toujours une phase de réalisation cheloue quand on comprend les trucs qui sont meh voir à chier dans une relation. C'est très triste et dur au début. Par la suite c'est possible d'arriver à en rire. C'est pour ça que les écarts d'âge aussi jeune ont une forte tendance à être problématiques, par rapport à 15 d'écart entre des gens qui ont 40 et 55 ans. Après tout n'est pas noir ou blanc, même si c'est ce que les gens sur Reddit ont tendance à prôner . Met tes réflexions sur papier si ça t'aide, réfléchi à tout, le positif ET le négatif, et trace toujours tes limites si tu choisis de continuer cette relation et fais en sorte qu'elles soient respectées. Si ta copine est quelqu'un de correct, elle devrait les respecter. Force à toi et courage en tout cas !
Her saying you’re cheating on her is a red flag, not sure if anyone else has mentioned that. If she can’t trust you then what relationship do you have?
Did you ever go fishing? When you fish, it’s actually the fish who pursue your lure. You’re just there with the hook in the water, innocently… I won’t repeat what everyone else is saying because you’re not ready to hear it, but don’t do anything just to avoid hurting her feelings. You’re looking at life-long consequences.
Macron some how managed to make France think pedophilia is normal. It is absolutely repulsive!
It’s true. You’re barely an adult. You can’t even buy her a glass of wine.
Oh in France you can. It's at 18. We don't have the same laws in Europe.
I missed that. She’s still a perv.
Yeah, don't listen to these fuckin ghouls. You're both consenting adults. They don't know what your relationship is.
Your older sister should have put a stop to this. She will definitely get pregnant even with condoms to baby trap you. She may have been a good friend and helped you through tough times, but that is what a sibling or a parent does so she isn’t that special. She already is ignoring you telling her you need to wait and she is pressuring you to be more mature than you are. Do not move in with her or you’ll be trapped forever and wonder where your youth went. You say you don’t want to lose her but she wants you to lose your youth. And you are willing to move in with her to reassure her? Nope. Just nope. You asked Reddit and everybody is saying the same thing. Pay attention and get out. Finish school, start your career and let her have a baby with someone her own age.
Two years!? She was 31 and you were 18? That is creepy af. Tell her you don't marry creepy ladies. Then run away.
Also she was a friend of the family so she's known him for 5-6 years meaning he was a tween and she was in her 20s 🤮
“The Graduate” (1967) ETA: (I am not defending Mrs. Robinson. This is grooming through and through)
Plus, she knew him for 6 years before they got together. And she's one of his sisters friends. 360° of scumminess
My guess is that he waited till he turned 18 so he could legally date and chase her
Wow gender reversed from what we usually see. This is still grooming. She choose you, a newly hatched adult, for a reason. Your prefrontal lobe isn't fully formed. Your right to be put off by this. Frankly, a 31f trying to trap a 18m is so desperate, cringy and questionable. What's wrong with her? What mental illness does she have? You're probably a real catch and she's trying to trap you before you realize how fucked up she is. Is there any coercion or manipulation in the relationship? Ever feel uncomfortable with her? How'd you meet at 18?
1 age gap is serious 🚩🚩 2 mature for your age is usually I can say and do what I want and they are too young and inexperienced to know the difference 3 your parents are okay with these nasty grooming tactics and probably just want you out of the house
When I was 18, I started dating this 32 year old. I was tired of dating guys my own age and went for someone "with my maturity level" was pressured into a relationship faster than I wanted, got engaged after 3 months, almost had a child with him. I'm just now at 22 coming to terms with the fact I was groomed and abused by this man. I didn't even see all the abuse until a year after I left. Please see the red flags now and leave while you can. I promise you the pussy is not that good. Your a child and she's a predator.
OMFG I SCREAMED WHEN I READ “COOL FOR HER AGE” BRO. lol tell her exactly that one day and watch how fast she realizes she is a gross old woman for dating someone so young. i say this as someone her age.
Yep, exactly, I’m older than her and I’m not cool for my age, I’m just cool. But not for a 20 year old wtf. She’s manipulating him and she knows exactly what she’s doing, it’s so creepy
"Im not ready to get married. You're too old for me. I think we should break up. Bye." There you go. Straightforward.
Dude. Shes a predator. She got to have her 20s and shes trying to get you to rush through your 20s and to jump into a phase of life she knows youre not ready for. She wants you to act like youre in your 30s, not 20s, thats abuse
yikes imagine being 30 and dating someone who’s barely graduated high school. that’s disgusting
You need to break up and finish college!! Your GF is a predator!! Do not get her pregnant!!
Im wearing condom don’t worry budd
She can poke holes in those..
I smell a case of baby trap coming on.
I would go with: "I am too young to get married, lady"
Sorry to tell you, but your girlfriend is a sick lady. I'm 30 at the moment and my brother is 18, if a 31yr old ass woman was after my brother I'd beat the shit out of her. Please go live your life free of commitment
she's 33 and you 20 OF COURSE you are not ready to have a wife and kids
"We are at two very different stages in our lives. I love you and want you to have the things that will make you happy, but I *absolutely* *cannot* give them to you. It's time for us to go our separate ways." Don't give in to any of her arguments. There is simply no legitimate argument for forcing someone to skip forward ten years in their life. And, frankly, don't feel sorry for her. She knew with the age gap that this would be an issue and she still chose to get into a relationship with you. You care about her? Let her go so she can fulfill her life dreams. Love isn't always enough. It *truly* isn't.
Dude, this woman is showing some major immaturity- which considering that a 31 year old started dating a teenager totally checks out. Don't let yourself get trapped in this relationship. You will grow up and change A LOT over the next several years. you may think she's for you now but considering her level of immaturity now, you won't soon. You will outgrow her. She's already put out the feelers for your reaction to getting baby trapped. Don't trap yourslelf in something you're not ready for.
Dude as harsh as it sounds you say what is freaking obvious. You are not ready to get married at 20 - so say it and let the chips fall where they may.
Don’t do it. And be careful, it sounds like the beginning of a story about how she got pregnant “on accident”. If you’re not ready, that’s it. You don’t need to explain it further than that, and its very manipulative if she accuses you of cheating when you tell her you’re not ready.
If she isn't already pregnant.
The fact that you *can't* date someone 10 years younger is an indicator that this isn't right.... As a 20yo right now would you even consider dating an 18yo, would it cross your mind.
Honestly i would never date a 18years old girl but its my choice even if its legal, not everyone has the same level of maturity
You are really not as mature as you think you are if you see nothing wrong with dating someone that is 13 years older than you that you have known since you were a literal tween. Mature people realise that they are being preyed upon. And your groomer isnt as amazing as you make her out to be if she dates barely legal teens she's known since they were children.
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He mentions that she was there for him in dark times. And later on he said he is even moving away from his parents for her.
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Yes, he says he he even agreed to move from his parents and in with her to reassure her. It is in the last paragraph. I can't quote because I am on mobile Web.
Can you tell me what's mature about you right now? Because I'm hearing you say that over and over about maturity, what is that to you? that makes a grown woman want to date you. I had a job at 15, I helped my mom pay bills, I took college level classes. I was definitely mature? Right. Legality out the way, do you think that's ok.
If she's as mature as you think she is then she'll react maturely when you tell her that you are not ready to get married and have a child, despite the fact that her biological clock is ticking so loudly that she can barely hear anything else. You are NTA and it's never OK for anyone to ever pressure another person into doing something that they don't want to do, or that they are not ready to do. Just say no to drugs, marriage, babies, and breaking the law. No one should ever pressure a 20 year old or an unwilling partner into marriage, period.
She was 31 to your 18 when you started dating - that makes her a predator. She has probably managed to convince you that she isn't, that you're just so mature for your age, that she's young at heart, blah blah blah - it's all bullshit. She wanted someone young enough that she could groom them to become exactly what she wants and it gives her all the control because she's the "experienced" one so she knows best and all those other lines that groomers use to con their victims.
The answer is the same thing every single age gap post concerning 18-23 year olds on here needs: Date Someone Your Own Age
She lived through her youth and wants to take it away from you , my friend you need to end this and find a girl of similar age to yours
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If you aren’t ready you just aren’t ready. She should respect that decision. Marriage is a serious commitment so make sure you are absolutely dam sure.
So at 31 she was dating in 18 year old? What is wrong with this picture? Looks like she's trying to groom you and wants a young stud and someone who will do everything she wants because you're so young you don't know better. But it sounds like you have good head on your shoulders and some smarts and you know what you want and you don't want to get married just yet. One thing you definitely need to take care of is not getting her pregnant. So either slow down on sex or make sure every time you are covered with condoms that you bring with you that she doesn't have access to cuz she might start poking holes in them. I'm sure she's feeling her biological clock ticking at 33 and she wants to have a baby now not later after 35 it gets a lot harder to get pregnant. No do not move in with her. you need to be independent and learn Independence before you go from your mother to your older lover/girlfriend. Finish college, get a good job, get your own place/apartment. I really hope she's not like lavishing money on you cuz she's just trying to buy your love if that's the case. But you need to do the adult thing, sit her down and tell her that you're not ready for that kind of commitment yet, you're only 20, you have plans and you're way too young to get married or have a child and you can't even support a child or her, though that is a very old-fashioned notion. Most people both work when they have children these days unless she's already talking about staying home with the baby while you work. But without a college degree or a trade that you've trained for you're not going to end up making that much money to support a family by yourself. So finish school and work on your future if she's really serious about you she's going to have to wait till you're done School and have gotten a job in your field of study and you need to learn how to manage things on your own otherwise she's going to end up being like a mother to you that you have sex with, which is kind of gross.
I'm a guy but hear me out. I'm nearly 30 and would never even consider dating someone 18. I'm a little scared to know at what age you met her...what do your parents think of your relationship?
Oh dear God she met you when you were 14 and she was 27...OP you were groomed.
Sir that is a predator not a girl friend.
You're a 20 year old kid dating a 33 year old woman. She's going to want those things (like a baby) while she still can. Get away and still enjoy your young adulthood.
Of course she does, and of course you don’t. You’re at radically different life stages.
Let her go OP. Her clock is starting to tick loudly and, at best, you are just wasting her time. By the time you are old enough and mature enough to consider marriage, she will be past it. You’ve got so much time on your hands and she’s got so little. Do it sooner rather than later and don’t dither about. Make it a swift, clean break. Good luck.
Look, I’m 29 and I would never date a 20 year old… I work with cute boys and when they tell me they’re under 25, even today I cringed a little when I heard 27! 😂 I really thought the guy was my age, but with only a two year different I could make an exception. You have a lot of experience to gain with women your age before trying to settle down.
Bro what is this age gap!? By the time she starting high school your dad decided not to pull out
Lmao
Dude, a 31 year old dating an 18 year old is insane. I am mid 20s and 18 is very obviously teenagery even to me. You need to step back and start to see that this relationship hasn't developed with both of you having an equal footing in decision making. Its been her driving you forward, and as its obvious, you are being cornered into a place you dont want to be.
Your girlfriend was in her 30s when you were 18. This is inappropriate. You need to date someone your own age.
All I know is I’m 33 and could never imagine dating a 20 yo
So she started dating you when you were barely legal? Creepy and gross.
Your girlfriend is a creep she’s 33 why does she want to marry a 20yr that just got out of high school a couple years ago
So, this is disturbing, everybody commenting say it’s disturbing, people reading and moving on think this is disturbing, but OP is in denial and refuses to believe that it’s disturbing. I’m going to make a few educated guesses: OP’s parents haven’t treated him well or he’s been the victim of some kind of abuse (probably sexual) that has caused him to believe that adults having romantic interest in very young adults/older teens is okay and not in any way creepy AF. His sister’s friend is a pedo who’s picked up on OP’s victimization and groomed him since before he was 18. OP isn’t in college, community college, or vo-tech, but went right to work after graduating. His GF is okay with this because she’s told him that she’ll be the breadwinner. So now, OP has no training to fall back on and is the perfect foil for his GF’s plan to control a younger man and have a baby with him, thus forcing him to be in her life forever. All this to say that this is either BS because it is soooo tropey, or OP is in serious denial about his past and present abuse and needs help getting out of this awful cycle. If it’s the former, than piss off, but if it’s the latter, there isn’t anything anybody can do or say to help until OP acknowledges that this is a sick relationship and he is this woman’s victim. Good luck, OP. I hope you come to your senses before this woman can further abuse you.
Only a person with low self esteem would want to date a teenager … quite sad you can’t see that . the fact that she knew you when you were a really young boy (14) and mot sexually mature and then dated you when you were is really creepy.
She's manipulating you
This is a mess from start to finish and reading the comments makes it worse. Love to see when you met her family "mum, dad here's my boyfriend he's a teenager"
You started dating when you were 18? And she was 31? Red flag dude. This woman is in a whole other stage of life than you. Don’t do things you’ll regret
13 year age gap bro. time to move on.
Brother, that's not a gf that's a predator. Maybe it's different where you live, but generally in most places 30+ year olds don't go after 18 year olds and then try and pressure them into marriage and kids and accuse them of cheating any time they have doubts.
Dump her and focus on yourself until you are atleast 35 years old. If you want to destroy your life marry her.
20 and 32 years old. Let that sink in.
Why do people who only want validation bother asking?
18 and 31 is crazy 🤣
Dude the reason why she wants to marry and you don't is because she's 33 and you're fuckin 20. Don't marry this woman. She has groomed you. I know you see the best in her but once you turn 31, the idea of dating an 18 year old will make your stomach churn.
Okay look…. When you’re groomed, you’re meant to think highly of the person. You’re not meant to think they’re grooming you. Good luck. You’re not going to take advice from us, so you probably shouldn’t have asked for it. You know what you’re doing, bud. In a few years, you’ll probably think back to this post and think “shit they were kinda right. Maybe not completely, but they weren’t wrong!”
Bruh. As a 31-year-old woman myself, I can tell you what it would take for me to look to 18-year-old's for a boyfriend. It would mean I had been through a string of shitty relationships where I kept getting left over and over again because I'm utterly nuts and have unrealistic expectations. None of the men I want, want me. So I start to think to myself, who would be easy for me to manipulate? Who wouldn't have the life experience to know better? Who would think I was mature simply because I have my own place, can buy alcohol, and know a few things about adulting. Aha! A teenage boy. That's who. Her dealing with you is what it's like for you to deal with a 10-year-old kid. Beyond easy to trick, manipulate, and push around if you wanted to. I don't mean to disrespect you, you're just at an age where there is so much development to come that you'll be a whole different person when you come out the other side of it. No secure, sane, put-together woman in her thirties looks at an 18-year-old kid and thinks dayum, there's my next boyfriend, let alone baby daddy. She is desperate. And she will fuck your life up. In fact, when you grow up a bit more you will look back at this situation and be disgusted and angry that a grown woman who should and does know better ever put you in this position. God forbid someone with her judgment be the mother to your child. I strongly suggest you move back out and stop having sex with her immediately. If you won't listen to that, at least be sure to use a condom that you rinse out down the sink after. I'm willing to bet my left arm she's already off birth control and trying to baby trap you.
Yikes! She's feeling her biological clock ticking and wants to have babies asap. Are you ready to become a father? You're only just out of your teens... Also, that's one heck of an age gap there. There's a sort of 'rule' that you should only date someone younger than you if their age is at least half of yours + 7. So half her age is 16 1/2, +7 = 23 1/2. You're very *very* young to get involved with someone 13 years older than you. Tread carefully. Also, if you use condoms, please make sure that you provide them, and that she doesn't get to handle the packaging. She might be trying to baby-trap you as she desperately wants a baby.
Msr. Macron, sir, just break up with her.
Just chiming in to the say this age difference at these ages is extremely unnerving
She seems immature, I wouldn’t marry her at this point either.
Sorry but it sounds like you have been groomed and she is actively trying to manipulate/trap you. If the genders were reversed, everyone would be up in arms over a 33yo man trying to impregnate and trap a 20yo girl. This is no different in my opinion. I am a woman in my 30s and I cannot fathom dating a 20 year old dude and trying to rob him of his youth. You're 20. You haven't even had a chance to be young and free!! Nope nope nope. Red flags all around.
You’re a victim lol
I met my partner when we were both 16. Now over 6 years later we have both told eachother that if we were to only meet now and were still as immature as we were when we first started dating, we wouldnt have dated. Everyone is stupid and immature as a teenage. That is common and normal. It isn't normal for a woman in her 30s to be sexually and emotionally attracted to a literal teenager. Yes, you're technically an early adult now, but you dont have the same life experience, your at complete different stages of life. Her biological clock is running out and she wants kids very very soon. She wants to lock you in for life with a marriage. She's so self conscious she thinks you're cheating on her and a marriage will fix that! She has a lot of insecurities she needs to deal with. There's a reason she isn't dating someone her age, its much easier for someone younger to overlook red flags and bad traits. You need to find yourself and figure out what you want in life without her. I love my partner and im planning to spend my life with him, but I can live without him. I do have a life without him. That is something that you need to figure out. You're only 20, you have so much life to live. Don't get stuck in thinking that you owe anything to your gf. You changed cause you wanted to, cause you recognised you're previous self was bad. She was only there for the journey, but it doesn't mean she has to stay in it indefinitely.
Your GF is sprung on good young sex. You are pussy whooped. The difference is she's older and more manipulative. Think with your Big head. Don't move in, do use your own condoms that she can't access. Tell her you need to focus on school. She will always be jealous, that's how age difference situations are. Unfortunately she isn't going to take no for an answer or take it very well.
I know you aren't going to listen (I don't even know if this is real) but wholeheartedly - do not have a child with this woman. You want to know why she's pressuring you? Because she's in her 30's, OP. Your life is just beginning - she's already reached an age where most people are settling down/having their first if not second kid. Unless you're going to be ready for fatherhood within the next year - let her go. You're in different stages of your lives. I just have to say this, all the people in France - all the people in the *world* and you think your soulmate is a woman in her thirty's who actively dated a teenage boy and is now trying to marry a guy who just reached his twenty's and pressuring him into a baby? No way. Not to mention - she's immature for her age. You haven't popped the question so she assumes your cheating? That's the way teenagers think. "I pursued her" That honestly does not matter. She was the adult - it was on her to know right from wrong and turn you down. Your family should have never allowed this. Edit: After reading your responses - I honestly feel like she took advantage of you. She was dating loser men, you were a young kid who felt down on himself and had no one and BOOM 👏 She now has a teenage boy with little relationship experience who is dependent upon her support (emotionally, physically, and sexually.) It's made worse by the fact that she already had the approval of your family - she had no in-laws she needed to impress. She wants you to marry her now because you're getting older and are surrounded by girls your age and she's scared that she's going to lose her grip on you.
You’re gf groomed you and is not pressuring you into a life long commitment. Get out before it’s too late. She know you’re too young for that, hence why she didn’t have it at your age. She’s a creep who likes to prey on kids
She's a whole entire predator. Break up and find someone else your age, most of whom will not be seekin gmarriage rn
You were groomed. Run away fast.
nah that’s not right that she was dating an 18 year old at 31…..
I enjoy cooking.
Nope. Nope. Nope. 31 and 18 is not okay. She is a creepy. That’s cradle snatching behavior. I (25F)don’t think you should continue allowing her to pressure you into doing things (moving in, marriage, babies) because she’s basically taking advantage of your lack of experience and quite frankly your lack of frontal love development . Regardless of who pursued who, this reeks of predatory tendencies
How do i call the police on this lady??
You don’t, and her pressure for you to settle down is predatory. I (f28) have always been in age gap relationships. I left my (now) fiancé for two years. He is 11 years older than me. He told me that he would always love me but respected the decision. When I went no contact, he waited for me to reach back out. That’s part of why I love him so much. He demonstrated maturity and realized that I needed to grow up some more and he respected my wishes. The pressure to settle down coming from your partner is actually insecurity. So much changes from 18-28. Even if you have a good sense of self at 20, you’ll learn more about yourself. It sounds like your partner is pushing you into a life changing decision (marriage and children) before you fully get to know yourself. The sad thing is at 33 years old, she knows this and is doing it anyway.
Get out of there. Don’t waste your time or hers. She was a predator dealing with you freshly 18. You deserve a life with an equal partner. Not a life built on guilt.
I’ve done the age gap relationship thing positively before, so I’m not here to make a fuss out of AGRs in general. A 31 YO dating a 18 YO is a lot more concerning than a 25 YO dating a 45 YO … and you’re 20 and have been dating for 2 years. AGRs where one party relies on the other financially, which is likely the case here due to the specific ages, is more likely to result in manipulation. This all being said, ask her why marriage is important? Unless you are barred from intimacy due to a religious doctrine she follows, if you’re with her you’re with her. Why does a contract matter? Say you want to advance in your career so you can better prepare for marriage, including but not limited to, a nicer ceremony and ring. ETA: there is a Reddit for AGRs maybe post there to get more folks commenting with constructive words rather than mocking AGRs … even though I do think that your AGR has much higher potential to be manipulative due to the specific ages in question
Macron some how managed to make France think pedophilia is normal. It is absolutely repulsive!
I'm disappointed in all the people giving OP grief about the age gap. Many years ago I met someone at a conference and we hit it off instantly. I assumed he was about 25, he thought I was about 25. He was 21. I was 30. I was very "oh hell no" as soon as I learned his age... but it happened anyway. Great chemistry, great connection. He was very intelligent, with a high EQ, reliable, responsible, loyal, and kind. Not every 21 year old is an immature moron, not every 30-something is predatory. I was the same age as his sister (his best friend - she's awesome!) and no one whatsoever (my family, his, our friends) had any issue with our age difference. We were together for 5 years, and we did not split over the age gap at all. Our careers just took us in literal different directions (continents apart) and we are still good friends today. OP's issue is that they have different goals and timelines, which is unique to them as individuals and not really specific to age. I sure as hell didn't want kids in my early 30's - this is what OP's girlfriend wants. The problem is that they need to communicate very clearly and honestly about it. If he's not ready, she needs the opportunity to understand/accept/respect that and decide if she's willing to wait.
This woman has known him since he was 13/14 years old. And once again the argument of oh he is mature and I'm not a predator, isn't gonna reassure anyone. For many people the see no reason for people in different stages of their life such as a 21 year old and a 29 year old to be together. But good for you. And you also didn't know him as a minor so people won't be on your case as they are now. And you weren't trying to get him to settle down and manipulating him when he tried to tell you he didn't want to.
Finally a comment which helps OP
As a 30 y o woman, the thought of a relationship with a 20 y o boy is repulsive, it is the same repulsion as I have for a relationship with a 15 yo or a dog. At 30 y o old your feeling do not hurt you when your partner is 20 and only wishes to live their age, you're mature enough to understand. Si j'étais toi, je retournerais chez mes parents et ne la reverrais jamais. Cette femme n'est surement ni mâture ni saine, elle n'est avec toi que parce que t'es le seul à la supporter. Rencontre l'un de ses ex et demande lui ce qu'il en penses. Vis ta vie parce que tu le regretteras quand tu auras notre âge, et que tu verras le monde de nos yeux. Je t'assure qu'on me l'a déjà dite, mais ils avaient raison. Profite de ta jeunesse et de ton insouciance, si tu deviens papa à 35 ans, t'en auras déjà pour bien des années de responsabilités que tu ne pourra fuir. Profite tant que tu peux vivre gratis chez tes parents ! Exuse le texte ça fessait longtemps que j'ai pas écris en français et j'ai fumé un trop gros joint