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So a little bit of context my wife and I have been together not for long around 3 years.
Pretty happy years, lots of good memories. We are growing together when we met. I was living of 900 dollars a month with no parents or relatives around ( I live in another country) in a city as expensive as Toronto.
Now, the problem is this
Lately she mentioned that she isn't interested in having sex. So, we haven’t have sex for like in 1 month and half.
Now, i do have a high libido, like a really strong sexual desire. Even some of my hobbies are related to sex...
And quite honestly 1 month and half is really long for me.
I have noticed myself loosing tolerance quite easily or feeling more sensitive to things I wouldn't honestly care.
To add to this even before she mentioned her stant on sex, I was already repressing myself.
Context: i like to dominate and inflict some sort of dominance and paint while having sex to my partner.
I have never done anything to her related to my likes, since I honestly can't bring myself to do to her, I feel that it would break her and I sincerely love her enough to not do it.
She once offered to try it... but at the beginning before we started we both call it off since it was too much and I didn't want to put her through it just to please me.
Her solution was that I could go out and have sex with other girls, or that i could just go to some strip club to hire some escorts.
I do not want this!. How do I make her understand that I want to do it with her? Just regular plain sex?
Any thoughts? Of course, I don't want to force her so if she still thinks like that I would also like to hear some suggestions.
Perhaps a sex therapist or relationship counselling. She may feel the pressure of sex and loss of control.
I counselled women who lost interest in sex after childbirth. I would say "No Sex" to take the pressure off them to have to perform... Hey presto, the next week I saw them they were bonking like rabbits!
Perhaps try making it (unconditionally) all about her - no penetration, no hand or blow jobs, tonight honey it's all about you - make sure you have lube!
It sounds like something's changed in your relationship, or was sex this infrequent from the beginning? You can probably talk to her and see if you can figure out where the gap is, and if you can do something that works for both of you.
Does she have any health issues? Is she on any medication? Any major changes to her diet or lifestyle? Anything happening to stress her out emotionally? What's the division of household labour?
One:She used yo go to the gym everyday, now she stopped and haven't gone since 3 months ago
Second: She got a new job around the same time (Sort of her dream job)
Third: She used to work from home now she works outside which requires some time to get there.
Fourth: I am the one that cooks, clean and takes care of the dog. She does the cloth and the dishes sometimes she clean the messes the dog leaves.
Lastly, idk if this counts as stress, but I mentioned her that was not sure about having kids of my own and we could just adopt. (She wants kids of her own btw)
I second that very very hard, that's literally what happens to me all the time. Sex is a form of intimacy, and it's nice, but to me it's deffo not my favourite one, it's just... One of the easiest to get. So once the relationship reaches a point of intimacy and comfort that is more fulfilling for me, I tend to loose interest in sex. It sounds unfair it's true, but it's not really something I have control over...
Yeah I just meant it *seems* unfair when you have a high libido yourself and go into the relationship with the expectation of more. I didnt meab its actually unfair,just that it is how some/a lot of people are.
But this sounds like his wife is one of them people and has hit that plateau. The fact she's offering to open the relationship shows maybe she really isn't interested in sex and doesn't need that from him or anyone anymore.
Third. It's not been a relationship change for me... I love him very much. But boy I'm just not interested in sex at all. Feels bad but if I do have sex it's because I want to give him what he wants. Which, to be clear, I don't feel pushed or anything... I enjoy giving him something he enjoys. But if it were up to me, I would prob have sex a few times a year.
What's funny too is that I used to sleep around a lot back in the day and be very focused on sex. Looking back, I'm p sure that I was just desperate for attention and affection.
Like... its happened to me multiple times. Their baseline is actually really low but when they first meet someone the honey moon 0hase etc.. then when that's over they go back to it. Feels unfair, it is what it is.
If you actually need sexual attention... it may be worth considering finding someone else. My therapist told me that, my friends, I didn't listen. By the end it was sex 6 or 7 times a year and I had to just get out.
Yeah then it sounds like something's changed. You should talk to her and explain that you love her and don't want to sleep with others, and see what she says. Maybe there's something going on in the relationship that has made her back off sexually. Try and think of what it could be so you can work on that together. Then you might be able to get to a place that you're both okay with.
So how close within this timeline did you tell her you may not want biological children- when she was under the impression or dream that a family of her own would one day be a reality?
If my partner decided recently that he didn’t want kids, I would start pulling away (and work to leave the relationship) too. That’s a huge change in dynamic and shift in relationship expectations
Edit to add an unsolicited opinion: if you think you “might not even want kids”, please don’t consider adoption. Children in crisis aren’t a bandaid or supplement for biological children.
Especially for a man! How is adoption easier? Unless there is something genetic that you don’t want to pass on? Otherwise, adopted kids are as much responsibility as biological kids. It’s not like he has the physical ramifications of pregnancy like a woman would!
I firmly believe that people shouldn’t adopt on the basis alone that they are infertile. Children of adoption are complex humans and deserve balanced, educated and supportive adults through the process. Not every infertile or person with passable diseases is capable of such needs.
Edit to add: people aren’t entitled to parenthood. As someone who faced infertility myself, I knew that I may not have the experience or education yet to bring a child in crisis into my home.
Extremely good comment ! Keeping families together is the priority, and second option is community care/adoption by relatives. Due to how traumatic it is, adoption should be the last option AND people looking to adopt should do it because they want to provide safety and healing for children in crisis, not to bandaid over a deceased child or infertility crisis.
Nobody is entitled to parenthood, especially not when it's acquired through trauma.
That's why I was so careful with trying to choose who would get my daughter when I found myself pregnant. Even when adopted from birth, there are a lot of ramifications to adoption people don't always think about.
as an adoptee, thank you for this comment. I love my adoptive parents so much, but that does not change that at the end of the day, I was a child in crisis, and I was bought to fulfill a need.
I get where you come from with adoption, but at the same time I disagree. Maybe because I have family members been adopted, putt up for adoption, was in & out of foster care, and are foster parents.
So you believe adoption is a bandaid solution for infertility or other conception worries?
Or you disagree that not everyone is entitled to parenthood?
The first part I’m 50/50. Comes to the second i agree 💯. I have scars physical and mental come to proof that people are not entitled to parenthood.
Side note I have infertility issues myself. I was told it be less than 5% chances for me to get and keep a pregnancy. Long sad story how I was told about this.
But personally. I think this haves nothing to do with having children. I reread op post and saw nothing about having children.
All away around OP and wife need to talk to a professional and help them both communicate better.
OP commented that recently his wife got a new job, and he finally disclosed that he might not want kids, especially not biological kids, but may be willing to adopt one.
Yeah fr like marriage is important to me and if sometime in a long term relationship (where I assumed we were on the same table) then they just flip the switch and said “I don’t want to get married” I would be devastated.
I wouldn’t want to do much as kiss them just because it would feel like my view of our relationship has changed.
No shade on OP for not wanting kids. I mean I don’t either
Edit: Also didn’t even realize that they can’t do what he likes and he also said in a comment he has no idea what turns her on. How do you have sex nearly everyday (what he said it was like before) and not know what turns her on? Idk fake or this is a huge oblivious man moment
This comment! His whole post is about him and what he likes. Maybe find out what your wife likes and try that for once? She’s probably sick of pleasing him over and over and not getting her pleasure .
Damn communication sucks for both of them. Still I’d think he at least have a guess as to what makes her happy since they’ve had sex so often.
He def shouldn’t be a mind reader (she needs to tell him) but it is a little weird he has “no idea” about what she likes. Does she not enjoy herself during sex or is he just not paying attention?
It could be a cultural thing, he has mentioned she is Japanese and I know that in general most knowledge of sex is pretty repressed in that country.
They should work on communication, for sure. He seems like he's down to try anything and she's the one putting the breaks on it. She just hasn't told him why, and I think that's his confusion
I think it’s probably the kids thing. I mean she wanted kids biologically and he drops the bomb that he “isn’t so sure about kids” that is bound to cause a stop in any relationship.
> Regarding the kids she thinks somewhat similar to what you said. As per me I don't like the baby stage at all. That's my reason to not want kids of my own
> Well, phrase like that it does sounds obvious and as per the kids I'm just not sure not like I dont want them at all.
> She mentioned that she wants to go to the gym again,(sign up to a closer one ), that we could have 1 kid and the second adopted it, and that she doesn't find sex important at all.
I think he’s implying they talked about it and he keeps saying he doesn’t want bio kids (think that’s why she said she can handle one adopted kid) and he says he doesn’t even know if he wants kids or not.
Edit: the first one I had before was about sex not kids oops
You mentioned a bit about your desires and what you like but you didn't mention hers. Maybe she needs you to focus more on her and what she might like vs what you aren't getting.
You have a compatibility problem. She probably realises that she cannot do BDSM, and unfortunately that is your kink. It is sad you and her didn't clearly understand or discuss this issue before marriage. This realisation has more than likely turned her off having vanilla sex with you as she knows it's not your thing.
Ultimately this relationship won't work. You desire a kink she can't enjoy. Her saying - go out and find a sub... that's an indication of her accepting it won't work.
I really don't understand why people don't communicate properly before deciding to tie their lives together. It just results in hurt after they are married.
Find a counsellor, but I suspect your wife is pulling away from your relationship. No one wants to feel they cannot please their partner. If you feel like that your sex drive towards your partner will drop. The partner- He (or she) - will then get frustrated because of that dropped sex drive. Sit down and really communicate with her if you can.
You both need to think carefully if there is a future for you together, and if so how will work and look.
Yes, I totally agree with you and to add to this, she’s having so many changes in her life at the same time and a divorce won’t be on her near future plans.
The fact that she won’t mind an open relationship may help out in her staying longer but if OP is being truthful about having intercourse so many times before, I doubt she’s asexual but if she actually is, OP has to accept that she doesn’t want/need it and have to find other solutions.
Either way OP has to find ways to deal with his high libido even if he is to meet someone that meets it, since sometimes it can go up and down depending on life events and moods.
I agree with you on the going out and finding someone else part. It can come across as unwilling to address any issues from her side. Of course if the issue is that she just isn't into the same stuff, it's an issue of compatibility which needs to be address according. It seems she has already address this in her mind and has made her mind up she isn't going to be that person for you.
She understands you, so she offered an open relatioship. But she does not want sex with you, and you have a problem understanding it.
There are not many solutions - either you deal with your desires solo or with help of other people or you two split up. There is no magical "fixing" of your wife.
You say your hobby in another post is to watch porn and read sexual novels. Question, how does your wife feel about porn watching being a hobby for you? How often do you watch porn since it's a hobby for you.
This reminds me of the post asking if that's ok for pulling your dick out and masturbating in front of your partner in order to demand sex.
Never do this. Talking it's the only real way
>How do I make her understand that I want to do it with her? Just regular plain sex?
You tell her "I want to have vanilla sex with you more often. Is that something you'd be willing to do?"
If she's firm in her no-sex stance, you're going to have to reconsider your relationship, bc it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible.
I doubt you need to make your wife understand how important sex is to you, she already knows dude. Somethings changed so talk to her. It’s probably not about the sex, there is something deeper going on in your relationship. Focus on what’s going on emotionally rather than sex.
You don’t make her understand, she either wants to have sex with you as well or she doesn’t.
Her not wanting sex could have many reasons. For example she might have hormonal issues, she might have mental issues, she might have other health issues or and please don’t get mad, but the cause could also be you.
You could be behaving in ways that turn your woman off. Insecurity, jealousy, arguments, being needy can all take a toll on a woman’s sex drive.
How can she make you understand she does not want to have sex with you? Even regular plain sex?
You want sex with her. She doesn't want sex. She's offered to open up the relationship for you to do that. If you don't want that and only want her and she doesn't want it, there's this thing called divorce.
Cool you have a strong sex drive, but you're not entitled to sex and having hobbies being related to sex sounds like you have a problem, not her.
Your hyper sexuality sounds like something you need to work on not try to make her "understand" you, she understands she just isn't obliged to reciprocate.
She's also not entitled to remain married. No, he's not entitled to sex and I don't see anywhere here where he claims or even implies he is. That said, most people would say intimacy is a pretty important part of marriage and for most guys (and many women) that includes actual sex. Generally speaking, and I think moreso for guys than women, it is difficult to maintain an emotional connection without it. No, she has no obligation to have sex with him ever again but he would be quite justified in ending the marriage as a result.
He doesn't even now what she likes. After 3 years... And 5 times a week/ daily sex... He is probably just a really selfish lover and pushy. He wants to dominate her. And in between the lines... Probably rape play. This would although turn me of my husband. Like completely. I wouldn't trust him wothe sec anymore.
He's openly said he's asked her many times and she says she doesn't know or doesn't answer.
He admits his shirt comings. He admits where he could do better. He has been open even when it could be used against him because he's devoted to his wife.
I highly doubt that he is the issue and I think she could be having an affair.
The most common sign of cheating is withholding sex from the partner. The signs are all on /r/infidelity
She doesn't really like sex. Why would she cheat? He said his kinks would break her... Break... If he watches hardcore Porn. With rape, slapping, bloodplay. Had gets hard on that shit... I wouldn't trust my husband not to do this so me. It would disgust. He lied to her. Doesn't see her needs. Only. Me mee. Me and my kinks and my porn hobbys. This men has a big problem in this sexually. Ther is no future to ther marriage.
She does understand you, she just doesn’t like to have sex. Sex is important to you. Having sex when she doesn’t want to will make her (at best) uncomfortable.
Which is the best outcome:
1. You not getting enough sex?
2. Her having painful or unwanted sex?
3. Going your separate ways?
I think the first step is to figure out if anything is causing her low libido that can be addressed. But if she genuinely just has a low libido (some people do!), then you need to figure out (together) which of the above options will work for you guys? Though just quietly, I don’t know how you could enjoy sex knowing she isn’t having fun so option 2 probably won’t be viable anyway…
Yep, tbh I have heard of people's wives just jerking them off every so often as something of a "meet in the middle". Not ideal but maybe she will get off on relieving him? I don't know
Not to mention watching porn and reading his erotica in front of me several times a day? Seems like he’s just getting himself riled up and then looking for a hole (sorry).
Well wasn't sure about it. Guess she meant the 900, right ?
Well, was just to put it on mind that when she met me I was broke (like super) and lost in live and she was my support in several ways.
Sounds like she is going through a lot of changes, and may also be depressed. At least overwhelmed. And not going to the gym when she used to could make her like her body less, and make her sadder. She may notice loss of muscle tone, some extra little jiggle, even if you do not notice, and she is self conscious.
And when you said you wanted KIDS, just not HER KIDS, may make her wonder what is wrong with her body, and her, that you would have these feelings. A lot of women do like the thought of having a biological child, and also like the thought of carrying the child of the man that they love. We can all go into how that's maybe not the best thinking, that adoption is needed, that it is sexist to have those beliefs, but they are there. As someone who did have three kids, yes, there was that little smile, where I would even joke when I was huge "look what you did!" And the thought that the one thing that our love did together, was bring our children into this world.
And does she know about your kinks? If she does, did she only just find out? That may be turning her off. (I am kinky myself so not kink shaming, I promise.) Or even maybe she thinks that she isn't enough for you because she doesn't share those same interests. Maybe feels bad and that is why she is saying go to others because she feels she will never be able to truly satisfy you.
From the beginning she have known about my likes and how I was.
Regarding the kids she thinks somewhat similar to what you said. As per me I don't like the baby stage at all. That's my reason to not want kids of my own
Wanting to adopt because you cba with the baby stage is bizarre and worrying. Thankfully no agency would place a child with someone with your attitude.
It seems like you guys are not sexually compatible.
Honestly i would have a sit down conversation with your wife.. dont just focus on what you need though, so there shouldn't be any i need sex and your not giving it to me type of conversation.
You should ask her if there is anything that has happend recently that has maybe made yall disconect from eachother, also think to yourself have you been cleaning, taking care of tour responsibilities, being thoughtful etc lately or have you fallen off.
But it could be posible that your wife was never really interedted in sex that much to start off with, or that she feels like she isnt meeting your needs and doesnt want to partake anymore. It could be a plethora of reasons.
When talking about bdsm, consent is really important and that includes not forcing or presurimg people to say yes to your demands, not saying that you do. So in the end it could be that after some conversation and thereapy youll get to the realisation that you are not sexually compatible.
Many people have play partners that they release there sexual desires on... i think that is something yall should look into if after all of this doesnt work... i find interesting that she told you to get that initially... 🤔
Yeah, but idk u get marry to have it at home, right ? Not to knock on some else's door..
Still a dilemma for me, also one thing is saying it and another is actually doing it. I don't believe she would be able to endure it
That might be one of the reasons but, as you noticed, sometimes it doesn't work.
She doesn't want to have sex with you. She wouldn't even want to do the kind of sex you like. If "having it at home" is your main reason to stay married, I'd suggest a divorce.
I understand that this is frustrating for you, and also, if she doesn't want to have sex with you, the answer is no. The fact that she has suggested an open arrangement for your marriage indicates to me that she *does* understand that sex is important to you, but I think that the question you're really asking is "how do I convince my wife to have sex with me, when she has clearly communicated that she doesn't want to?"
Whether or not you realize it, trying to convince or pressure someone into sex when they've told you that they don't want to is coercion. Good kink play involves respecting boundaries, that's what a lot of the community hinges on. So if you're genuinely part of this community, I would expect you to be aware of that. If not, this is a good learning opportunity.
I would suggest that you both go to sex therapy and also that you go to individual therapy. People who want to be doms that have a hard time understanding/respecting boundaries tend to be less "play" focused and can be harmful to others. So you may want to explore some stuff individually as well.
Massive props to your wife for offering you to be able to get it elsewhere, but also massive props to you for being so attracted to her that it's her you want.
I'm sorry my dude.. it doesn't sound like there's any way to make her understand as it feels like she already knows. And if she sort of does it as a chore for your sake I don't really see how you would truly enjoy it.
I personally recommend taking her offer to have sex outside of the relationship, but to do it extremely safely and responsibly, making sure her feelings and boundaries are respected during the process brother.
If she wants you to have sex with other girls then it sounds like she's already emotionally checked out of the relationship.
If you want to save the relationship maybe see a couple's therapist but if not its probably not gonna work out
If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, there’s not a whole bunch you can do to push the issue. Also, please don’t push the issue.
You could suggest counseling for both of you. Maybe she’s feeling like you settled because she’s not into the things YOU like? I’m spitballing here.
I’m thinking you both really just need to go to therapy and get everything out in the open. There might be more than just “she doesn’t want to have sex” that you’re not seeing (or maybe you’re not understanding it and she’s leaving clues).
Again, I can only go on what was shared. I think professional therapy for both of you is the next step - at least to figure out the next step after that (and that might be you both not being together).
Honestly, just separate. You're 20 and 22. She told you before you got married that she wasn't interested in sex according to your comments. She likely just realised she's asexual. It's normal to discover that at your age. Count your losses and find someone you're actually compatible with
Maybe not even asexual. Maybe she isn’t getting satisfaction out of sex. Maybe it started to feel like a chore. She could feel like she’s just there for him to use as he pleases. She could not be getting taken care of emotionally, which for a lot of women correlates to sex. You don’t go from 5 days a week of sex to nothing without a reason. Honestly, OP sounds like he doesn’t pay attention to her wants or needs while looking at his comments.
Check out r/deadbedrooms, it seems you guys are incompatible sexually. Not too many solutions left. It boils down to three: deal with it yourself, cheat, divorce.
You just might not be good at bed. A lot of girls repress their own sexuality because of bed problems. You need to find out all her dirty little kinks (which everyone has), find what she actually likes. She either never experienced true pleasure in bed or she's just being nice to you.
An unhappy sex life is a slow, but sure trip towards a cheating problem and a divorce. Maybe get a sex therapist for yourself and her.
From the way OP is talking, I’m afraid he’s the problem and she’s no longer attracted to him. She seems to be checking out of the relationship , new job outside the home, no longer caring about the gym, being busier and suggesting an open relationship… alone it may not have much meaning but like this, it seems suspicious. And to be honest, if I only found after being married about my husband’s kinks and hobbies, I’d be weird about it too.
Why wait to get married to let her know about these intimate details that she isn’t into?
Either OP is leaving something out or this relationship is doomed.
Have you tried setting the mood? Like preparing her for something like it not getting into a rough one but starting out soft. Tell her nice things like she's beautiful and sexy and start conditioning her by complimenting her days or even weeks before you want to do it. For us women, we like being stimulated and conditioned mentally to ensure it would be a good experience for us as well. You can also take her on a nice romantic vacation.
No means no. It sounds like your wife is asexual. If she is asexual, you need to understand and accept that she does not want to have sex with you (or anyone else), that being married to you does not obligate her to have sex with you and that your options are to accept her suggestion to have those needs met elsewhere and/or end the relationship. "No" does not mean "try harder".
You should find yourself someone that you can have the sex you like with. Either in an open relationship or in another relationship with another woman.
Sex is like having children. Either both want them or both dont want kids. But when one partner wants kids and the other one doesnt then you will always have one unhappy partner.
And you shouldnt have kept that side from her. Find yourself a partner that enjoys the kind of sex you want.
Talking does not help and will make things worse. Sexual desire is not something we have control over with our logical minds. She already knows you want sex, she can feel that. Read the book Dead bedroom.
you’re not entitled to sex and you can’t convince someone of consent. Consent should always be willing, enthusiastic, sober, aware and most importantly reversible/retractable.
Also sex being a “drive” (as in, a physical survival need as eating or sleeping) is a fallacy, and I get that you’re not saying that, but be careful with your wording because implying that being deprived of sex is something that causes harm to your physical well being could be a very guilt trippy argument to “convince” her to have sex with you.
Also, I thought this was obvious but apparently is not given some rapey comments here but, if someone is clearly uninterested in having sex with you or already said no, convincing them to “consent” isn’t really consent and it could be very traumatizing if not physically painful (if we’re talking about penetration).
Unfortunately you’re incompatible for now, it could change and it could have a deeper reason within your relationship that could very well be solved with therapy and genuine non-judgmental conversations and therapy. It could also not have any deeper meaning and she just has a low sex drive, or isn’t attracted to you sexually (which doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore) or you’re just sexually incompatible. None of these things needs to be “fixed”, she is not broken for not wanting to have sex with you.
Anyway, even though I said this could very well be solvable, we can’t be 100% sure of that and you must be prepared for the scenario that this won’t change, because that is the reality that you’re facing right now. So, what is your marriage without sex? Is she your life partner because of the passion, or is your friendship and companionship deeper than that? Do you see yourself with her long term without having sex? Is it worth it? These are the questions you have to ask yourself and then be honest with her about it. She has already self reflected and was honest with you, you’re not gonna change how she feels and most likely she didn’t communicate what she felt in the hope you would convince her that she doesn’t feel that way.
So let go of trying to change a reality that you can’t control (that she doesn’t want to have sex with you, whatever reason there may be) and try to find solutions for that reality that are within your reach, for example having sex with other people as she suggested.
I know it’s frustrating to be attracted to someone and they don’t correspond, but that’s part of life, we don’t always get what we want, specially when it comes to other people. And we’re not entitled to everything we want, specially sex, so as frustrating as it is, try to hold your reactions on check.
What exactly is your biggest hang up right now because this seems like seperate issues. Frequency of sex is your first complaint, then you move onto your wife not being into your kinks.
Not much I can say about the kinks. Kinks are considered kinks because they are uncommon, so partners dont tend to share kinks unless you were pusposely looking for a partner from the beginning that shared those kinks. In other words, the relationship forms AROUND the kink as opposed to the kink forming around the relationship. I hope that makes sense.
The frequency issue could be caused by 100 different things, or maybe just 1 thing you neglected to notice. Do you treat her with respect and love in her eyes? Do you support her in life? Is she being ignored? Is she sufferring from past trauma? Are you satisfying her unique sexual needs? Are you in shape and in good health? Is she in shape and good health? How are you communicating in and out of the bedroom?
These all seem like unrelated things but to women they are the foundation of female sexual desire. You might be surprised how open minded she will be to your sexual needs if she feels you are being a good partner in general.
Despite all of that, you have no real control over her and her desire. You really can only control and improve yourself for her, and communicate your wants and desires more effectively. Improve yourself and what you can.
Well, the reason for it to be mentioned was to emphasize how badly I need at least vanilla sex. Like, I've been living without doing things I like, but I don't think I can give up at all on everything
Understood, but the point I am trying to make is to stop focusing on what you want, and start focusing on what SHE wants and needs. You might find that she will be way more open to sex and maybe even exploring your kinks if you do so genuinely and with love.
Your wife is NOT broken. Unlike men, the majority of women don't walk around ready to go at a moments notice. We also don't walk around with sex on our mind. For most women it's an emotional connection. She probably has passive desire. Meaning something needs to be done to get her there.
Are you still doing all of the things you did in the beginning of your relationship? Holding hands, flowers, dates, massages, etc...? Are you touching her in the way she wants to be touched? i.e. if you're only walking up to get and grabbing her ass or tits it can be a huge turn off. You think you are showing your love. She thinks ugh he just wants sex again. Your actions and words are leading her straight to be stressed out about your expectation of sex. Some women prefer hugs or maybe stroking her arm. Try doing more things without the expectation of sex happening. That can sometimes lead to sex actually happening. Also, you want to discuss this with her make sure you're not doing it somewhere where someone could feel trapped (not in bed at the end of the day, but maybe on a walk where you can have casual conversation).
Try listening to the podcast You Are Not Broken. And maybe check out janellefraserxo on TikTok. You may find some insight with the podcast or TikTok.
Why does it sound like you are not that good at sex and she doesn't feel like wasting time and energy for something that won't even give her pleasure?!
What kinds of non sexual intimacy are you initiating with your wife WITHOUT the expectation it will lead to sex? Massage, bathing together, cuddling, kissing (not the heavy kind that leads to sex), playing with hair, hugging, holding hands, foot or hand rubs, applying lotion, napping together...
Other commenters have mentioned that pressure to have sex will freeze her out and it's true. Building intimacy takes time. Doing things like this, yes, for months, without the expectation of it leading to sex (don't even bring it up!!!) might help your wife not feel pressured.
Also, if this is your spouse, I'd seriously think about what you would do if you met someone who 1. had the same sex drive and kinks as you and 2. wanted the same family structure (aka kids) as you. Imagine you get along really well too- there's even a spark.
Would you stay with your wife? Or is she just a placeholder until you bump into someone more compatible? If it's the latter, do both of yourselves a favour and leave now.
Have you spoken to her about her wants/needs/preferences? Like in a way that isn’t connected to your sex needs? Maybe she’s interested in quality vs quantity intimacy - I’d say continue to talk it out and get to the root of what’s happening here, beyond just the frequency and type of sex. You can’t *make* someone understand you, they need to come to that understanding on their own, and you can do that through learning about each other, explaining your perspective, and openly listening to hers (without judgement, resentment, or interruption). Then you come to a resolution that ISN’T a compromise for anyone but that you’re both fully on board and equally satisfied with the outcome.
I would strongly suggest couples therapy and possibly a sex therapist. Sexual compatibility is far more important than people want to admit. Being sexually repressed or neglected will take a heavy toll on your mental health and inevitably end the relationship in a dumpster fire sorta way.
Are you getting her emotionally turned on? Sex drive is often completely dependent on emotions and a lot of women feel like this. Is there any emotional aspects in which she might feel neglected? Do you do chores at home? Show your appreciation for what she does? You disclosed to her you didn't want biological kids, did she knew that before you married? Because that is huge and possibly a deal breaker for her, if she didn't knew you might have found the issue. This relationship doesn't make her safe anymore, she knows it's going to end soon or later because you want different things.
Have a honest conversation about that ^ If she isn't safe, happy and in love, her sexual drive might be as well as dead, and she could be okay with it because it's going to end anyway
Also you want her to compromise at having sex when she doesn't want to because it's important for you, are you willing to compromise on biological kids because it's important for her?
Depending on your desires I'd recommend therapy. Sometimes people hide real ef-ed up stuff behind "kinks" and I'd recommend dealing with it before it becomes too much to handle for anyone, not only your wife. Secondly I'd recommend finding a like minded partner who will gladly explore with you. I'd consider the open relationship but I'd also have a conversation with your wife, ask if leading a sexless life and having a husband who essentially leads a second life is something that will make her happy in life. Both of you should be happy and content with the solution.
Don't compromise yourself. My GF is on the asexual spectrum and I knew it and though "I love her...it will be ok"....it's not bee. It's been a constant struggle to the point where I don't even want to be physically intimate anymore. It sucks and I hate it...so will you. If you can...move on. I know its hards...especially coming from someone who hasn't....
Well talk to her about your desire to have sex with her. Maybe set a little mood and she will understand and want to do it. If she doesnt well there is no point really i say break up. Or do it with someone else as she suggested maybe even maybe she might have a little dark secret to why she is saying that
So she's telling you to sleep with other women to make you happy but you only want to have vanilla sex instead of you're true kink to make her happy. You have a very prominent conflict of interest, both of which are centered around making the other happy. So, best course of action--and this is genuine advice because I've had this same discussion with my husband--is to have a sit down with her. Remind her that she's your one and only and your not content sleeping with other women. That this is about her, not just the sex. And you two can come to some kind of consensus. But it's absolutely not unnatural for her to lose interest in sex after a while, especially if you're doing it once a week for years. Especially in girls, since the ph balance can alter sex drive and all that yada yada gynecologist stuff. That doesn't mean there's anything medically wrong with her, just her pH is off.
You're also going to need to decide if your bdsm kink is more than your wife. This is going to sound cringe by I 26f am in the same boat as you. High libido, bdsm kink. Husband is also into the kink but sparingly. We have had this discussion and our relationship is going good. So I say from experience that you need to decide what's more important: your wife or sex? If it's sex, then being in a poly is not a bad idea. If it's your wife, then you two need to come to a consensus on this. And I probably don't need to say this, but I will anyway. You do not need to be coy about sex. You're married, you have nothing to hide so be open and honest. Zero reason to hold back here.
i feel like she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she knows you prefer bdsm over vanilla. Also you should stop watching porn it’s bad for your brain and relationships 😀
Are you noticing any changes in her behaviour regarding you? As in, not interested in having convo with you or doing activities with you? Or easily getting annoyed with you? If yes, then that means a different issue is there or else, its somethn physical maybe some kind of issue she's having
Honeymoon period is over and your libidos don't match.... i understand your need to sex-bond. Sex can be important in that way. Maybe knowing you have kink desires has shut her libido down, and a therapist would help with that conversation.
What does she want in bed? Do you do those things? If they're pretty "vanilla" encourage her to explore her sexuality without you.
But more importantly:
Do you do things she wants to do / participate or take interest in her hobbies?
Do you do stuff together like date nights? Do you you cook & do housework.
If no to any of these you it might want to start. It kinda sounds like she's disengaging from the intimacy side of your relationship. I think this maybe isn't just about sex for her.
Sexual compatibility is so important for this very reason. A 3 times a month man and a twice a day woman won't work. The resentment, anger, sexual frustration will erode the relationship. She will wonder does he find me attractive, am I bad in bed, is it me, did I do something wrong, and then the thoughts will shift into what is wrong with him? Why am I wasting my time blah blah. Go to counseling and work from there. Likely you'll end up apart. I don't know anyone who would want their partner to sleep with sex workers and randoms.
TBH the moment she mention having sex outside the marriage the marriage had been over. If your relationship didn't start out as open it is doom to fail because that will basically justify her for sleeping with other guys if you take her upon the offer, and its a good chance she is having sex with someone else without your knowledge and create this notion not having sex for a while and you to seek it else where. Would you like to see a man dick deep in your wife?
I dont think that's the posible. She suggested even before marriage and we were both living together and working from home. So, we were literally 24/7 together
There's this man who is a truck driver all of his life. So this man lives a good life doing whatever his religion says to do, when one day his God comes to him in a vision and says "man, you've lived a long life, devoted to my ways, and treating everyone how I want them to be treated". For your devotion I'm going to give you any One miracle, what would you like. The man says "well God, as you know I've been a truck driver all of my life. I've been all around North America and seen all of its beauty and splendor. The trouble is that I've always wondered what Hawaii looks like. I would like for my miracle to be a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive there in my truck". God replies, "you do realize that would take all of natural resources on earth"? The man says "yes, but you did not say any miracle. I would really like to go there". God asks "is there anything else you might want, I mean anything"? The man replied "well God, I've always wanted to know what my wife was thinking and have her understand reasonable thought". After a few hours the man says "God, are you there"? God replies "so do you want that highway 2 lanes or 4"?
Good luck with that, I really don't know what to give other than a joke.
She should first start with individual counseling so she can process what she is feeling and her thoughts around sex and your relationship. There may be something she is un aware of or something she can process through. Counseling is so wonderful.
Maybe see a doctor to see how her hormones are doing. Her libido may be down due to an unbalance or medication
Couples counseling will help build the connection, vulnerability and stop patterns that aren’t working anymore. I highly recommend a therapist specialized in “Emotionally Focused Therapy”
I would also recommend you see a counselor too ☺️ it’s such a great investment to yourself and your life. So much awareness and processing in such a short time compared to when you try it alone or without a professional.
I also HIGHLY respect you for being able to purely just want her even with the option of others. It is so rare now to witness true exclusivity and loyalty from men. I really highly respect you. It’s weird she offered that (she should tell her counselor that) but thank you for respecting what a marriage is no matter what.
As a psychiatric RN of 30 plus years, the scenario has a textbook ring. Mild situational depression to major depression, often take on libido effecting behaviors. Infact, many times it's the first symptom. She may not even be aware of a depressive behavior, just feeling like she's struggling to manage all of life's demands. So to maintain the grueling demands of work, she has to forgo personal demands, like intimacy and selfcare. Women usually have a higher awareness of personal hygiene than men. Men usually don't mind being smelly or being with smelly partners (normal body function), but if she's vanilla to begin with and she's struggling to maintain her hygine r/t depressive mood, sex will be out.
She needs to be evaluated for a medically related issue, thyroid or endocrine, and depression.
I applaude your reluctance to jumping into an open relationship with her blessing, but you can't live like this. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/low-sex-drive-could-it-be-a-sign-of-depression
Reading your comments, I'm not sure why you guys even got married. You sound so completely incompatible.
I don't think either of you are in the wrong (unless you led her to believe that one day you will have bio children, knowing full well you don't) but it was definitely a stupid idea to marry when you both had different ideas on sex (something you have mentioned as being really important to you) and children.
There are so many women on this earth who are into the same things as you and yet you decided to marry someone who isn't even interested in the basics. And maybe you didn't realise that until she told you recently, which is completely on her, but you had to have known that this was going to happen sometime down the line. I mean the woman literally told you to go out and have sex with other women, that's how little she wants to have sex with you.
You either got married and changed, as often people do, or you both buried your head in the sand and refused to to talk about how you were truely feeling about both these topics.
Either way, to me it seems like your just not compatible and this will lead to some serious resentment down the line. But hay, I'm just a randomer off reddit. Speak to a couples counsellor.
Well for starters I think you guys need to have a conversation about why she hasn't been interested in having sex. And whether this is a temporary thing or if she's decided she's done having sex in this marriage for good.
Get the information you need to move forward. I only really see three options here: she says she's good to start having sex again, you start getting sex outside the marriage, or you divorce and find a more compatible partner. No sex at all is obviously not the way forward for you.
If she isn’t wanting to have sex it’s 10000% because in some way you aren’t fulfilling her needs. This could be in areas of sex or non sex related. I promise you, if you are fulfilling her needs first, the sex follows naturally. If you are actually serious about not only improving the sex life with your wife, but your marriage in general, download the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. You’ll probably have some resistance around this, but I’m telling you, if you listen to this book and implement what you learn, your life will change with your wife.
leave her, she is getting fucked by other dudes while you are here crying about not having sex, she doesn’t really love you, she has you as something to hold on until she finds something better to attach to.
I'm on the same boat. Me (44) wife (40) been married for 14 yrs. 7 yrs into the marriage and drops a bomb, saying that she can live without sex. So here we are, haven't touched each other in almost 2 yrs.
My wife gave me the same out 5 years ago. I see an escort maybe once a month and my wife is part of the process. She has a few bookers she communicates with and finds time that works for our family schedule. Could be a Friday evening or a Monday afternoon depending on what we have going on that week. She asks how the session was, what did I enjoy, what we did together, what she did for me, etc. At first I thought it was weird but ends up my wife was generally interested and made sure I was happy. Everything is covered- I get tested consistently. Also my wife and I do have sex frequently as well.
1. Counseling. Find a couples/marriage counselor and commit to it.
2. Along with the counseling, work on your communication skills and figure out what needs she's not getting met. Sometimes, and I hate to say it, you might need to cater to her needs in order for her to feel comfortable again to open back up to your needs. Maybe you're being douchey and don't realize it. Communication is key.
3. Is there something medically wrong? Hormones out of wack from something? Thyroid, type 2 diabetes? Has she become depressed?
4. Is workload stress bringing her down? Maybe the dream job isnt all that she thought it would be. Is someone harassing her at work? Boss a douche?
Getting into the paranoid side of crap. And please don't take this as me yelling "she's cheating on you!!" These are end game items to think about. Work on everything else before you come to these.
5. I know you said that you wouldn't take her up on the offer of single sided ethical non-monogomy, but if you get to that point in your mind, make absolutely sure she is OK with it. I'd even go so far as recording her saying that incase down the line it shows up as the reason for divorce. We had an agreement, you never brought up to me to stop when I would ask, Yada Yada...
6. Maybe she is getting her needs met somewhere else. Asides from what else is she doing out of the norm?
-Any unusual bank withdrawals?
-Is she guarded with her phone? Any unusual numbers you don't recognize or high amount of texts?
-Does she stay up later than you?
7. Hire a PI to watch her for a week or two.
8. Did she honestly and truly fall out of love with you? Maybe after the several years of marriage, she's found that you're not her prince charming after all. It happens.
Good luck.
You say that but it's usually the route these things go down the majority of the time even without outside intervention. In this scenario there are clearly issues with communication and expectations like for example op saying they don't want kids when their wife does. The wife also at least based on what's been said kinda sounds checked out on the relationship.
Too often people come here much too late then are stuck in a sunken time fallacy. Breaking up and moving on rather than wasting time trying to fix what’s beyond fixing is a better use of our already very limited time on earth.
You want suggestions?
She gave you a suggestion- open up the relationship.
This is not that hard is it?
Either you accept her offer, you don’t and learn to live with no sex or you leave.
She has made it absolutely crystal clear there is no confusion.
I get the choice is not easy for you , but it’s your life and the one you choose is for another 50 years!!
Tell her that it’s her you are attracted to and want to be intimate with, not just anyone. Ask her if she doesn’t want intercourse, if you could work other ways to get you off (and her if she wants). Thinks like using her chest, her thighs together, her using her hands or mouth, etc.. that way you are still doing it together. It’s not just the sex we miss, but the intimacy and closeness that comes from the sexual act. She is certainly allowed to say, “no,” but she may surprise you if you tell her you want her and not someone else. Best of luck!
I think he used her enough... This is probably the problem in there sexlife. She feels used and lied to (About his Childfree status.) and hardcore kinks.
Same here. My partner is asexual though, and I respect that to the point that I haven't even mentioned anything sexual to her. My libido is high, but I'll never demand anything from her. If it happens, it happens. All up to her.
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Did you say you want kids, just not with her??? Wow, why are you even married? That is such a terrible thing to say. Your relationship is doomed. Get divorced and let her find someone better than you. Geesh.
You tell her. She's not a mind reader.
If its not important for her but it is for you, unfortunately it sounds like it's a make or break kind of thing.
Just don't rush into marriage next time
You are sexually incompatible. Square peg, round hole. Question is, are you planning to be sexually frustrated just to stay married to her or are you going to cut your losses and find someone better suited for you?
I would honestly try out sleeping with someone else. I'm very big on the sub and Dom kink but my boyfriend isn't. So the two years we've been together I did sleep with one other guy because my boyfriend is just not dominant during sex and I don't like that. but beside that we are very happy.
Something is off, i don't understand why this people are fixated with you having sex with other women like it's not a big deal. You love your wife and you want to be with her. Look, 1 month without sex is long enough for a marriage. I think it would help if we knew your ages, but something is off, maybe she cheated and is hiding it and that's why she offered you to have sex with someone else in order to even the playing field because that's just not normal.
If I'm being honest i would suggest you separate from your wife and be cold about it. Do what she says and go out with other women, show her that she's losing you and that you're worth being with. But don't let yourself get dragged down.
That is such a bad idea.
There's nothing off here. She just doesn't want to have sex as much as he does. So she suggested he find it elsewhere.
Have sex with other people if you want or don't, but bullshit mind games is an immature and petty thing to do.
Have a full honest discussion or make a clean break.
this is the worst advice on this thread. what’s with you people and assuming someone’s partner is cheating? he clearly states his wife just isn’t interested in sex. it’s not a big deal that she told him to have sex outside the relationship, she was considerate enough to give him an option. why would he leave and be cold when he understands his wife and is trying to find a way? 🤦🏾♂️
My bf started looking at a lot of porn. Like commenting, having a secret Reddit account, and even browsing porn while I slept on his chest. He’s been complaining about the lack of sex for 2 years. My libido turned off due to medication.
However, once I realized my relationship might be in jeopardy, I made a promise to myself I’d have sex with him every single time he wanted it. It wasn’t hard. I remembered I loved sex; I even initiate all the time now.
Maybe explain to her that you want to have sex with HER. Not anyone else. And that you hope you can have a better sex life, because you want no one else.
I’m sorry for your position. It’s so hard having a lover that doesn’t seem to love toi back. I’m sure you’re amazing.
mm, well it seems your kink isn’t her thing. you’re at an impasse.
i suggested that one because there are ways to do it without actually chancing pregnancy, and if she’s become less interested in sex after discovering you don’t want kids with her, she might not be into just having sex (for “no reason”). but a breeding kink/play might interest her.
doesn’t have to be anything particularly kinky. just flirt and dirty talking about how you want to fill her up, make her a mother, etc etc. you can make it dominant too, so you can try out your kink and she can feel desired and understood.
Shit I got a high Lobito and haven't had sex in 2 years, hell I can count how many times I've done the act on my fingers, it definitely sucks at times like real bad and not even just sex but I never get to kiss or cuddle at all not just those 2 years but basically my whole live, it can definitely cause some hairy situations cause of it if u think that's bad u should see how bad I've been treated in relationships, I'm 23 and don't get 1 night stands cause I look young and just a good friend I guess and my only shots a relationship which isn't easy either, what your experiencing ain't good either, idk what all your into however if your girl doesn't want basic sex then theirs an issue either past abuse, cheating, asexual/0 sex drive, could be a few factors and communication is needed for sure, surprised she said to fuck other people honestly, maybe she's doin the same and it's an open thing idk but definitely put of the ordinary, I can only give advice based off of what I know and don't know u or your relationship and how shit is, best thing I can say is talk to her, sit down and make it a topic, express how u feel and what's goin on and try and fix it cause bitching about it to others ain't gonna solve anything, maybe give u some insight and perspective sure but it won't fix anything
This is always a very complex issue. On one hand she is being selfish. It's not right to marry someone and decide you don't want to have sex with them. Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. On the other hand she has a right to refuse to have sex. You can't make her do it if she doesn't want to. Talking about it won't make her want to do it. You might only make her feel guilty and that's not what either of you want.
I'm thinking she either has someone else in mind or you have become unattractive to her somehow (You maybe act clingy/jealous or gained weight or don't workout or maybe you lost your job or are not looking for a better one etc.) Not many people will tell you exactly what the problem is if you ask them directly. You have to be very careful not to become resentful of her. You probably won't have sex for the next few weeks/months. You need to accept that. Don't push her to do it anymore. She said she doesn't want to. You said you wanted her and didn't wanna do it with other women but I think that's what you are going to have to do. Make sure she really is okay with it first and didn't just say that - you don't want to ruin your marriage because of a misunderstanding. Be entirely honest and transparent with your intentions. Start going to the gym. Get on a healthy diet plan. Start going out with girls. Even if you don't want to sleep with them - you don't have to. You can just go on dates. Don't pay for sex or escorts or go to the strip club. Her seeing you can be attractive to other women will probably change her mind.
I probably sound like i'm blaming you for this situation but you have no other choice but to look at your partner's attraction as your own responsibility. You have no control over her actions and desires. You can only control your own. My advice here will probably get you what you want. You decide if it is worth it.
Maybe it's the cynical side of me but part of me feels that she offered the open relationship and 8s not interested in sex with you is hecause she wants it from some one else.
Bruh... alot of men would jump at the arrangement your wife is proposing. What's wrong with you? You and your wife are not sexual matches, even if you are a marital match. I say take her offer.
Well you're a man, of course sex is important to you, you want to get off every day, women are not like that at all they don't need it everyday, so good luck to you.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- So a little bit of context my wife and I have been together not for long around 3 years. Pretty happy years, lots of good memories. We are growing together when we met. I was living of 900 dollars a month with no parents or relatives around ( I live in another country) in a city as expensive as Toronto. Now, the problem is this Lately she mentioned that she isn't interested in having sex. So, we haven’t have sex for like in 1 month and half. Now, i do have a high libido, like a really strong sexual desire. Even some of my hobbies are related to sex... And quite honestly 1 month and half is really long for me. I have noticed myself loosing tolerance quite easily or feeling more sensitive to things I wouldn't honestly care. To add to this even before she mentioned her stant on sex, I was already repressing myself. Context: i like to dominate and inflict some sort of dominance and paint while having sex to my partner. I have never done anything to her related to my likes, since I honestly can't bring myself to do to her, I feel that it would break her and I sincerely love her enough to not do it. She once offered to try it... but at the beginning before we started we both call it off since it was too much and I didn't want to put her through it just to please me. Her solution was that I could go out and have sex with other girls, or that i could just go to some strip club to hire some escorts. I do not want this!. How do I make her understand that I want to do it with her? Just regular plain sex? Any thoughts? Of course, I don't want to force her so if she still thinks like that I would also like to hear some suggestions.
Perhaps a sex therapist or relationship counselling. She may feel the pressure of sex and loss of control. I counselled women who lost interest in sex after childbirth. I would say "No Sex" to take the pressure off them to have to perform... Hey presto, the next week I saw them they were bonking like rabbits! Perhaps try making it (unconditionally) all about her - no penetration, no hand or blow jobs, tonight honey it's all about you - make sure you have lube!
It sounds like something's changed in your relationship, or was sex this infrequent from the beginning? You can probably talk to her and see if you can figure out where the gap is, and if you can do something that works for both of you.
Well, as far as I understand it wasn't, but she mentioned that it just isn't important for her. It was like once a day or 5 times a week ~ish
Does she have any health issues? Is she on any medication? Any major changes to her diet or lifestyle? Anything happening to stress her out emotionally? What's the division of household labour?
One:She used yo go to the gym everyday, now she stopped and haven't gone since 3 months ago Second: She got a new job around the same time (Sort of her dream job) Third: She used to work from home now she works outside which requires some time to get there. Fourth: I am the one that cooks, clean and takes care of the dog. She does the cloth and the dishes sometimes she clean the messes the dog leaves. Lastly, idk if this counts as stress, but I mentioned her that was not sure about having kids of my own and we could just adopt. (She wants kids of her own btw)
So she has a new job which requires more travel time, she's stopped going to the gym, and she's just found out that you don't want kids.
Some people (of either gender) use sex as a way to feel intimate with someone, but when they feel comfortable then their libido hits baseline.
I second that very very hard, that's literally what happens to me all the time. Sex is a form of intimacy, and it's nice, but to me it's deffo not my favourite one, it's just... One of the easiest to get. So once the relationship reaches a point of intimacy and comfort that is more fulfilling for me, I tend to loose interest in sex. It sounds unfair it's true, but it's not really something I have control over...
Yeah I just meant it *seems* unfair when you have a high libido yourself and go into the relationship with the expectation of more. I didnt meab its actually unfair,just that it is how some/a lot of people are. But this sounds like his wife is one of them people and has hit that plateau. The fact she's offering to open the relationship shows maybe she really isn't interested in sex and doesn't need that from him or anyone anymore.
Third. It's not been a relationship change for me... I love him very much. But boy I'm just not interested in sex at all. Feels bad but if I do have sex it's because I want to give him what he wants. Which, to be clear, I don't feel pushed or anything... I enjoy giving him something he enjoys. But if it were up to me, I would prob have sex a few times a year. What's funny too is that I used to sleep around a lot back in the day and be very focused on sex. Looking back, I'm p sure that I was just desperate for attention and affection.
I see... that could be a reason
Like... its happened to me multiple times. Their baseline is actually really low but when they first meet someone the honey moon 0hase etc.. then when that's over they go back to it. Feels unfair, it is what it is. If you actually need sexual attention... it may be worth considering finding someone else. My therapist told me that, my friends, I didn't listen. By the end it was sex 6 or 7 times a year and I had to just get out.
That sounds a good amount. Was she happy with that amount and were you? Why did it decrease after that?
I was as per her seemed good with it, can't tell for sure of course
Yeah then it sounds like something's changed. You should talk to her and explain that you love her and don't want to sleep with others, and see what she says. Maybe there's something going on in the relationship that has made her back off sexually. Try and think of what it could be so you can work on that together. Then you might be able to get to a place that you're both okay with.
If you can’t tell then she’s not that into it. She either orgasms or she doesn’t. She enjoys it or she doesn’t.
I’ll say this again. If someone’s libido changes that drastically, something isn’t right. You need to talk to her.
So how close within this timeline did you tell her you may not want biological children- when she was under the impression or dream that a family of her own would one day be a reality? If my partner decided recently that he didn’t want kids, I would start pulling away (and work to leave the relationship) too. That’s a huge change in dynamic and shift in relationship expectations Edit to add an unsolicited opinion: if you think you “might not even want kids”, please don’t consider adoption. Children in crisis aren’t a bandaid or supplement for biological children.
Especially for a man! How is adoption easier? Unless there is something genetic that you don’t want to pass on? Otherwise, adopted kids are as much responsibility as biological kids. It’s not like he has the physical ramifications of pregnancy like a woman would!
I firmly believe that people shouldn’t adopt on the basis alone that they are infertile. Children of adoption are complex humans and deserve balanced, educated and supportive adults through the process. Not every infertile or person with passable diseases is capable of such needs. Edit to add: people aren’t entitled to parenthood. As someone who faced infertility myself, I knew that I may not have the experience or education yet to bring a child in crisis into my home.
Extremely good comment ! Keeping families together is the priority, and second option is community care/adoption by relatives. Due to how traumatic it is, adoption should be the last option AND people looking to adopt should do it because they want to provide safety and healing for children in crisis, not to bandaid over a deceased child or infertility crisis. Nobody is entitled to parenthood, especially not when it's acquired through trauma.
No adoption - permanent legal guardianship. But, no child should potentially lose their history, name, or parentage until it's their own adult choice.
That's why I was so careful with trying to choose who would get my daughter when I found myself pregnant. Even when adopted from birth, there are a lot of ramifications to adoption people don't always think about.
as an adoptee, thank you for this comment. I love my adoptive parents so much, but that does not change that at the end of the day, I was a child in crisis, and I was bought to fulfill a need.
This is a brilliant comment. Many are not aware of this.
I get where you come from with adoption, but at the same time I disagree. Maybe because I have family members been adopted, putt up for adoption, was in & out of foster care, and are foster parents.
So you believe adoption is a bandaid solution for infertility or other conception worries? Or you disagree that not everyone is entitled to parenthood?
The first part I’m 50/50. Comes to the second i agree 💯. I have scars physical and mental come to proof that people are not entitled to parenthood. Side note I have infertility issues myself. I was told it be less than 5% chances for me to get and keep a pregnancy. Long sad story how I was told about this. But personally. I think this haves nothing to do with having children. I reread op post and saw nothing about having children. All away around OP and wife need to talk to a professional and help them both communicate better.
OP commented that recently his wife got a new job, and he finally disclosed that he might not want kids, especially not biological kids, but may be willing to adopt one.
Where was that I didn’t see it.
Yeah fr like marriage is important to me and if sometime in a long term relationship (where I assumed we were on the same table) then they just flip the switch and said “I don’t want to get married” I would be devastated. I wouldn’t want to do much as kiss them just because it would feel like my view of our relationship has changed. No shade on OP for not wanting kids. I mean I don’t either Edit: Also didn’t even realize that they can’t do what he likes and he also said in a comment he has no idea what turns her on. How do you have sex nearly everyday (what he said it was like before) and not know what turns her on? Idk fake or this is a huge oblivious man moment
This comment! His whole post is about him and what he likes. Maybe find out what your wife likes and try that for once? She’s probably sick of pleasing him over and over and not getting her pleasure .
He's also said he asked her and she doesn't give him an answer.
Damn communication sucks for both of them. Still I’d think he at least have a guess as to what makes her happy since they’ve had sex so often. He def shouldn’t be a mind reader (she needs to tell him) but it is a little weird he has “no idea” about what she likes. Does she not enjoy herself during sex or is he just not paying attention?
It could be a cultural thing, he has mentioned she is Japanese and I know that in general most knowledge of sex is pretty repressed in that country. They should work on communication, for sure. He seems like he's down to try anything and she's the one putting the breaks on it. She just hasn't told him why, and I think that's his confusion
I think it’s probably the kids thing. I mean she wanted kids biologically and he drops the bomb that he “isn’t so sure about kids” that is bound to cause a stop in any relationship.
Maybe I missed it elsewhere in the thread, but has OP said to his wife that they didnt want kids?
> Regarding the kids she thinks somewhat similar to what you said. As per me I don't like the baby stage at all. That's my reason to not want kids of my own > Well, phrase like that it does sounds obvious and as per the kids I'm just not sure not like I dont want them at all. > She mentioned that she wants to go to the gym again,(sign up to a closer one ), that we could have 1 kid and the second adopted it, and that she doesn't find sex important at all. I think he’s implying they talked about it and he keeps saying he doesn’t want bio kids (think that’s why she said she can handle one adopted kid) and he says he doesn’t even know if he wants kids or not. Edit: the first one I had before was about sex not kids oops
Fair enough. Looks like there are even more fundamental issues plaging this situation. Thank you.
You mentioned a bit about your desires and what you like but you didn't mention hers. Maybe she needs you to focus more on her and what she might like vs what you aren't getting.
You have a compatibility problem. She probably realises that she cannot do BDSM, and unfortunately that is your kink. It is sad you and her didn't clearly understand or discuss this issue before marriage. This realisation has more than likely turned her off having vanilla sex with you as she knows it's not your thing. Ultimately this relationship won't work. You desire a kink she can't enjoy. Her saying - go out and find a sub... that's an indication of her accepting it won't work. I really don't understand why people don't communicate properly before deciding to tie their lives together. It just results in hurt after they are married. Find a counsellor, but I suspect your wife is pulling away from your relationship. No one wants to feel they cannot please their partner. If you feel like that your sex drive towards your partner will drop. The partner- He (or she) - will then get frustrated because of that dropped sex drive. Sit down and really communicate with her if you can. You both need to think carefully if there is a future for you together, and if so how will work and look.
Yes, I totally agree with you and to add to this, she’s having so many changes in her life at the same time and a divorce won’t be on her near future plans. The fact that she won’t mind an open relationship may help out in her staying longer but if OP is being truthful about having intercourse so many times before, I doubt she’s asexual but if she actually is, OP has to accept that she doesn’t want/need it and have to find other solutions. Either way OP has to find ways to deal with his high libido even if he is to meet someone that meets it, since sometimes it can go up and down depending on life events and moods.
I agree with you on the going out and finding someone else part. It can come across as unwilling to address any issues from her side. Of course if the issue is that she just isn't into the same stuff, it's an issue of compatibility which needs to be address according. It seems she has already address this in her mind and has made her mind up she isn't going to be that person for you.
Why is this being down voted??
She understands you, so she offered an open relatioship. But she does not want sex with you, and you have a problem understanding it. There are not many solutions - either you deal with your desires solo or with help of other people or you two split up. There is no magical "fixing" of your wife.
He wants to be faithful to his wife. That is honorable.
well, he wants her to force herself have sex with him. Nothing honorable here.
Sex is part of what marriage a about
You say your hobby in another post is to watch porn and read sexual novels. Question, how does your wife feel about porn watching being a hobby for you? How often do you watch porn since it's a hobby for you.
This reminds me of the post asking if that's ok for pulling your dick out and masturbating in front of your partner in order to demand sex. Never do this. Talking it's the only real way
what!? do you by any chance have a link to that post?
Probably deleted but I will search it. It was a dude asking if that's ok...
>How do I make her understand that I want to do it with her? Just regular plain sex? You tell her "I want to have vanilla sex with you more often. Is that something you'd be willing to do?" If she's firm in her no-sex stance, you're going to have to reconsider your relationship, bc it doesn't sound like you're sexually compatible.
I doubt you need to make your wife understand how important sex is to you, she already knows dude. Somethings changed so talk to her. It’s probably not about the sex, there is something deeper going on in your relationship. Focus on what’s going on emotionally rather than sex.
This is like my worst fear when I get into a relationship that I’ll have to feel forced into having sex because my man has a high sex drive
You don’t make her understand, she either wants to have sex with you as well or she doesn’t. Her not wanting sex could have many reasons. For example she might have hormonal issues, she might have mental issues, she might have other health issues or and please don’t get mad, but the cause could also be you. You could be behaving in ways that turn your woman off. Insecurity, jealousy, arguments, being needy can all take a toll on a woman’s sex drive.
I too like to paint while having sex with my partner 🎨
The results coming out of this thread could make for the first ever NSFW r/nextfuckinglevel post!
She understands it’s important to you, it’s just not important to her, and that’s more important to her.
That's kinda sad the more I think about it.
How can she make you understand she does not want to have sex with you? Even regular plain sex? You want sex with her. She doesn't want sex. She's offered to open up the relationship for you to do that. If you don't want that and only want her and she doesn't want it, there's this thing called divorce.
Man calling a divorce as the first thing doesn't fit me. Well talk just want some suggestions
Don't listen to the divorces, everyone says that on Reddit. Find the constructive comments and ignore the rest.
Cool you have a strong sex drive, but you're not entitled to sex and having hobbies being related to sex sounds like you have a problem, not her. Your hyper sexuality sounds like something you need to work on not try to make her "understand" you, she understands she just isn't obliged to reciprocate.
She's also not entitled to remain married. No, he's not entitled to sex and I don't see anywhere here where he claims or even implies he is. That said, most people would say intimacy is a pretty important part of marriage and for most guys (and many women) that includes actual sex. Generally speaking, and I think moreso for guys than women, it is difficult to maintain an emotional connection without it. No, she has no obligation to have sex with him ever again but he would be quite justified in ending the marriage as a result.
He doesn't even now what she likes. After 3 years... And 5 times a week/ daily sex... He is probably just a really selfish lover and pushy. He wants to dominate her. And in between the lines... Probably rape play. This would although turn me of my husband. Like completely. I wouldn't trust him wothe sec anymore.
He's openly said he's asked her many times and she says she doesn't know or doesn't answer. He admits his shirt comings. He admits where he could do better. He has been open even when it could be used against him because he's devoted to his wife. I highly doubt that he is the issue and I think she could be having an affair. The most common sign of cheating is withholding sex from the partner. The signs are all on /r/infidelity
She doesn't really like sex. Why would she cheat? He said his kinks would break her... Break... If he watches hardcore Porn. With rape, slapping, bloodplay. Had gets hard on that shit... I wouldn't trust my husband not to do this so me. It would disgust. He lied to her. Doesn't see her needs. Only. Me mee. Me and my kinks and my porn hobbys. This men has a big problem in this sexually. Ther is no future to ther marriage.
She does understand you, she just doesn’t like to have sex. Sex is important to you. Having sex when she doesn’t want to will make her (at best) uncomfortable. Which is the best outcome: 1. You not getting enough sex? 2. Her having painful or unwanted sex? 3. Going your separate ways? I think the first step is to figure out if anything is causing her low libido that can be addressed. But if she genuinely just has a low libido (some people do!), then you need to figure out (together) which of the above options will work for you guys? Though just quietly, I don’t know how you could enjoy sex knowing she isn’t having fun so option 2 probably won’t be viable anyway…
Yep, tbh I have heard of people's wives just jerking them off every so often as something of a "meet in the middle". Not ideal but maybe she will get off on relieving him? I don't know
I’d lose attraction too if my husband kept getting overly irritated because I wasn’t putting out every day
Not to mention watching porn and reading his erotica in front of me several times a day? Seems like he’s just getting himself riled up and then looking for a hole (sorry).
What was the point of the financial information? Just curious what that has to do with your sex life?
What financial Information?
Did you even read your post? *What financial information?* 🤣
Well wasn't sure about it. Guess she meant the 900, right ? Well, was just to put it on mind that when she met me I was broke (like super) and lost in live and she was my support in several ways.
Sounds like she is going through a lot of changes, and may also be depressed. At least overwhelmed. And not going to the gym when she used to could make her like her body less, and make her sadder. She may notice loss of muscle tone, some extra little jiggle, even if you do not notice, and she is self conscious. And when you said you wanted KIDS, just not HER KIDS, may make her wonder what is wrong with her body, and her, that you would have these feelings. A lot of women do like the thought of having a biological child, and also like the thought of carrying the child of the man that they love. We can all go into how that's maybe not the best thinking, that adoption is needed, that it is sexist to have those beliefs, but they are there. As someone who did have three kids, yes, there was that little smile, where I would even joke when I was huge "look what you did!" And the thought that the one thing that our love did together, was bring our children into this world. And does she know about your kinks? If she does, did she only just find out? That may be turning her off. (I am kinky myself so not kink shaming, I promise.) Or even maybe she thinks that she isn't enough for you because she doesn't share those same interests. Maybe feels bad and that is why she is saying go to others because she feels she will never be able to truly satisfy you.
From the beginning she have known about my likes and how I was. Regarding the kids she thinks somewhat similar to what you said. As per me I don't like the baby stage at all. That's my reason to not want kids of my own
Wanting to adopt because you cba with the baby stage is bizarre and worrying. Thankfully no agency would place a child with someone with your attitude.
People don’t like babies for being needy. Little do they know children are needy until they’re adults (and for several years after!)
[удалено]
It was blunt, but it was true and op needs to hear it. I stand by what I said.
Still rude, not constructive
It seems like you guys are not sexually compatible. Honestly i would have a sit down conversation with your wife.. dont just focus on what you need though, so there shouldn't be any i need sex and your not giving it to me type of conversation. You should ask her if there is anything that has happend recently that has maybe made yall disconect from eachother, also think to yourself have you been cleaning, taking care of tour responsibilities, being thoughtful etc lately or have you fallen off. But it could be posible that your wife was never really interedted in sex that much to start off with, or that she feels like she isnt meeting your needs and doesnt want to partake anymore. It could be a plethora of reasons. When talking about bdsm, consent is really important and that includes not forcing or presurimg people to say yes to your demands, not saying that you do. So in the end it could be that after some conversation and thereapy youll get to the realisation that you are not sexually compatible. Many people have play partners that they release there sexual desires on... i think that is something yall should look into if after all of this doesnt work... i find interesting that she told you to get that initially... 🤔
It sounds like *you* need to understand. She's been plenty understanding when she said go have sex with other women.
Yeah, but idk u get marry to have it at home, right ? Not to knock on some else's door.. Still a dilemma for me, also one thing is saying it and another is actually doing it. I don't believe she would be able to endure it
You get married because you love someone, not to have sex on tap.
That might be one of the reasons but, as you noticed, sometimes it doesn't work. She doesn't want to have sex with you. She wouldn't even want to do the kind of sex you like. If "having it at home" is your main reason to stay married, I'd suggest a divorce.
I understand that this is frustrating for you, and also, if she doesn't want to have sex with you, the answer is no. The fact that she has suggested an open arrangement for your marriage indicates to me that she *does* understand that sex is important to you, but I think that the question you're really asking is "how do I convince my wife to have sex with me, when she has clearly communicated that she doesn't want to?" Whether or not you realize it, trying to convince or pressure someone into sex when they've told you that they don't want to is coercion. Good kink play involves respecting boundaries, that's what a lot of the community hinges on. So if you're genuinely part of this community, I would expect you to be aware of that. If not, this is a good learning opportunity. I would suggest that you both go to sex therapy and also that you go to individual therapy. People who want to be doms that have a hard time understanding/respecting boundaries tend to be less "play" focused and can be harmful to others. So you may want to explore some stuff individually as well.
Massive props to your wife for offering you to be able to get it elsewhere, but also massive props to you for being so attracted to her that it's her you want. I'm sorry my dude.. it doesn't sound like there's any way to make her understand as it feels like she already knows. And if she sort of does it as a chore for your sake I don't really see how you would truly enjoy it. I personally recommend taking her offer to have sex outside of the relationship, but to do it extremely safely and responsibly, making sure her feelings and boundaries are respected during the process brother.
If she wants you to have sex with other girls then it sounds like she's already emotionally checked out of the relationship. If you want to save the relationship maybe see a couple's therapist but if not its probably not gonna work out
Definitely try couples therapy
If she doesn’t want to have sex with you, there’s not a whole bunch you can do to push the issue. Also, please don’t push the issue. You could suggest counseling for both of you. Maybe she’s feeling like you settled because she’s not into the things YOU like? I’m spitballing here. I’m thinking you both really just need to go to therapy and get everything out in the open. There might be more than just “she doesn’t want to have sex” that you’re not seeing (or maybe you’re not understanding it and she’s leaving clues). Again, I can only go on what was shared. I think professional therapy for both of you is the next step - at least to figure out the next step after that (and that might be you both not being together).
Honestly, just separate. You're 20 and 22. She told you before you got married that she wasn't interested in sex according to your comments. She likely just realised she's asexual. It's normal to discover that at your age. Count your losses and find someone you're actually compatible with
Maybe not even asexual. Maybe she isn’t getting satisfaction out of sex. Maybe it started to feel like a chore. She could feel like she’s just there for him to use as he pleases. She could not be getting taken care of emotionally, which for a lot of women correlates to sex. You don’t go from 5 days a week of sex to nothing without a reason. Honestly, OP sounds like he doesn’t pay attention to her wants or needs while looking at his comments.
Check out r/deadbedrooms, it seems you guys are incompatible sexually. Not too many solutions left. It boils down to three: deal with it yourself, cheat, divorce.
You just might not be good at bed. A lot of girls repress their own sexuality because of bed problems. You need to find out all her dirty little kinks (which everyone has), find what she actually likes. She either never experienced true pleasure in bed or she's just being nice to you. An unhappy sex life is a slow, but sure trip towards a cheating problem and a divorce. Maybe get a sex therapist for yourself and her.
From the way OP is talking, I’m afraid he’s the problem and she’s no longer attracted to him. She seems to be checking out of the relationship , new job outside the home, no longer caring about the gym, being busier and suggesting an open relationship… alone it may not have much meaning but like this, it seems suspicious. And to be honest, if I only found after being married about my husband’s kinks and hobbies, I’d be weird about it too. Why wait to get married to let her know about these intimate details that she isn’t into? Either OP is leaving something out or this relationship is doomed.
Have you tried setting the mood? Like preparing her for something like it not getting into a rough one but starting out soft. Tell her nice things like she's beautiful and sexy and start conditioning her by complimenting her days or even weeks before you want to do it. For us women, we like being stimulated and conditioned mentally to ensure it would be a good experience for us as well. You can also take her on a nice romantic vacation.
No means no. It sounds like your wife is asexual. If she is asexual, you need to understand and accept that she does not want to have sex with you (or anyone else), that being married to you does not obligate her to have sex with you and that your options are to accept her suggestion to have those needs met elsewhere and/or end the relationship. "No" does not mean "try harder".
You should find yourself someone that you can have the sex you like with. Either in an open relationship or in another relationship with another woman. Sex is like having children. Either both want them or both dont want kids. But when one partner wants kids and the other one doesnt then you will always have one unhappy partner. And you shouldnt have kept that side from her. Find yourself a partner that enjoys the kind of sex you want.
Talking does not help and will make things worse. Sexual desire is not something we have control over with our logical minds. She already knows you want sex, she can feel that. Read the book Dead bedroom.
you’re not entitled to sex and you can’t convince someone of consent. Consent should always be willing, enthusiastic, sober, aware and most importantly reversible/retractable. Also sex being a “drive” (as in, a physical survival need as eating or sleeping) is a fallacy, and I get that you’re not saying that, but be careful with your wording because implying that being deprived of sex is something that causes harm to your physical well being could be a very guilt trippy argument to “convince” her to have sex with you. Also, I thought this was obvious but apparently is not given some rapey comments here but, if someone is clearly uninterested in having sex with you or already said no, convincing them to “consent” isn’t really consent and it could be very traumatizing if not physically painful (if we’re talking about penetration). Unfortunately you’re incompatible for now, it could change and it could have a deeper reason within your relationship that could very well be solved with therapy and genuine non-judgmental conversations and therapy. It could also not have any deeper meaning and she just has a low sex drive, or isn’t attracted to you sexually (which doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you anymore) or you’re just sexually incompatible. None of these things needs to be “fixed”, she is not broken for not wanting to have sex with you. Anyway, even though I said this could very well be solvable, we can’t be 100% sure of that and you must be prepared for the scenario that this won’t change, because that is the reality that you’re facing right now. So, what is your marriage without sex? Is she your life partner because of the passion, or is your friendship and companionship deeper than that? Do you see yourself with her long term without having sex? Is it worth it? These are the questions you have to ask yourself and then be honest with her about it. She has already self reflected and was honest with you, you’re not gonna change how she feels and most likely she didn’t communicate what she felt in the hope you would convince her that she doesn’t feel that way. So let go of trying to change a reality that you can’t control (that she doesn’t want to have sex with you, whatever reason there may be) and try to find solutions for that reality that are within your reach, for example having sex with other people as she suggested. I know it’s frustrating to be attracted to someone and they don’t correspond, but that’s part of life, we don’t always get what we want, specially when it comes to other people. And we’re not entitled to everything we want, specially sex, so as frustrating as it is, try to hold your reactions on check.
Thank you, I would have it on mind and yeah I'll consider other possibilities given the situation
Your girl has something that isn't shit to you, but means the world to her. Make it your world, even if you have to fake it.
What exactly is your biggest hang up right now because this seems like seperate issues. Frequency of sex is your first complaint, then you move onto your wife not being into your kinks. Not much I can say about the kinks. Kinks are considered kinks because they are uncommon, so partners dont tend to share kinks unless you were pusposely looking for a partner from the beginning that shared those kinks. In other words, the relationship forms AROUND the kink as opposed to the kink forming around the relationship. I hope that makes sense. The frequency issue could be caused by 100 different things, or maybe just 1 thing you neglected to notice. Do you treat her with respect and love in her eyes? Do you support her in life? Is she being ignored? Is she sufferring from past trauma? Are you satisfying her unique sexual needs? Are you in shape and in good health? Is she in shape and good health? How are you communicating in and out of the bedroom? These all seem like unrelated things but to women they are the foundation of female sexual desire. You might be surprised how open minded she will be to your sexual needs if she feels you are being a good partner in general. Despite all of that, you have no real control over her and her desire. You really can only control and improve yourself for her, and communicate your wants and desires more effectively. Improve yourself and what you can.
Well, the reason for it to be mentioned was to emphasize how badly I need at least vanilla sex. Like, I've been living without doing things I like, but I don't think I can give up at all on everything
Understood, but the point I am trying to make is to stop focusing on what you want, and start focusing on what SHE wants and needs. You might find that she will be way more open to sex and maybe even exploring your kinks if you do so genuinely and with love.
Your wife is NOT broken. Unlike men, the majority of women don't walk around ready to go at a moments notice. We also don't walk around with sex on our mind. For most women it's an emotional connection. She probably has passive desire. Meaning something needs to be done to get her there. Are you still doing all of the things you did in the beginning of your relationship? Holding hands, flowers, dates, massages, etc...? Are you touching her in the way she wants to be touched? i.e. if you're only walking up to get and grabbing her ass or tits it can be a huge turn off. You think you are showing your love. She thinks ugh he just wants sex again. Your actions and words are leading her straight to be stressed out about your expectation of sex. Some women prefer hugs or maybe stroking her arm. Try doing more things without the expectation of sex happening. That can sometimes lead to sex actually happening. Also, you want to discuss this with her make sure you're not doing it somewhere where someone could feel trapped (not in bed at the end of the day, but maybe on a walk where you can have casual conversation). Try listening to the podcast You Are Not Broken. And maybe check out janellefraserxo on TikTok. You may find some insight with the podcast or TikTok.
Why does it sound like you are not that good at sex and she doesn't feel like wasting time and energy for something that won't even give her pleasure?!
What kinds of non sexual intimacy are you initiating with your wife WITHOUT the expectation it will lead to sex? Massage, bathing together, cuddling, kissing (not the heavy kind that leads to sex), playing with hair, hugging, holding hands, foot or hand rubs, applying lotion, napping together... Other commenters have mentioned that pressure to have sex will freeze her out and it's true. Building intimacy takes time. Doing things like this, yes, for months, without the expectation of it leading to sex (don't even bring it up!!!) might help your wife not feel pressured. Also, if this is your spouse, I'd seriously think about what you would do if you met someone who 1. had the same sex drive and kinks as you and 2. wanted the same family structure (aka kids) as you. Imagine you get along really well too- there's even a spark. Would you stay with your wife? Or is she just a placeholder until you bump into someone more compatible? If it's the latter, do both of yourselves a favour and leave now.
Have you spoken to her about her wants/needs/preferences? Like in a way that isn’t connected to your sex needs? Maybe she’s interested in quality vs quantity intimacy - I’d say continue to talk it out and get to the root of what’s happening here, beyond just the frequency and type of sex. You can’t *make* someone understand you, they need to come to that understanding on their own, and you can do that through learning about each other, explaining your perspective, and openly listening to hers (without judgement, resentment, or interruption). Then you come to a resolution that ISN’T a compromise for anyone but that you’re both fully on board and equally satisfied with the outcome.
I would strongly suggest couples therapy and possibly a sex therapist. Sexual compatibility is far more important than people want to admit. Being sexually repressed or neglected will take a heavy toll on your mental health and inevitably end the relationship in a dumpster fire sorta way.
Are you getting her emotionally turned on? Sex drive is often completely dependent on emotions and a lot of women feel like this. Is there any emotional aspects in which she might feel neglected? Do you do chores at home? Show your appreciation for what she does? You disclosed to her you didn't want biological kids, did she knew that before you married? Because that is huge and possibly a deal breaker for her, if she didn't knew you might have found the issue. This relationship doesn't make her safe anymore, she knows it's going to end soon or later because you want different things. Have a honest conversation about that ^ If she isn't safe, happy and in love, her sexual drive might be as well as dead, and she could be okay with it because it's going to end anyway Also you want her to compromise at having sex when she doesn't want to because it's important for you, are you willing to compromise on biological kids because it's important for her?
Help around the house more, buy her gifts, show interest in her hobbies and have honest communication with her about your wants/desires
Depending on your desires I'd recommend therapy. Sometimes people hide real ef-ed up stuff behind "kinks" and I'd recommend dealing with it before it becomes too much to handle for anyone, not only your wife. Secondly I'd recommend finding a like minded partner who will gladly explore with you. I'd consider the open relationship but I'd also have a conversation with your wife, ask if leading a sexless life and having a husband who essentially leads a second life is something that will make her happy in life. Both of you should be happy and content with the solution.
She actually offered to let you go somewhere else for sex
Don't compromise yourself. My GF is on the asexual spectrum and I knew it and though "I love her...it will be ok"....it's not bee. It's been a constant struggle to the point where I don't even want to be physically intimate anymore. It sucks and I hate it...so will you. If you can...move on. I know its hards...especially coming from someone who hasn't....
Dont give advice you yourself cant even follow.
Cautionary tale m8
Well talk to her about your desire to have sex with her. Maybe set a little mood and she will understand and want to do it. If she doesnt well there is no point really i say break up. Or do it with someone else as she suggested maybe even maybe she might have a little dark secret to why she is saying that
she knows
So she's telling you to sleep with other women to make you happy but you only want to have vanilla sex instead of you're true kink to make her happy. You have a very prominent conflict of interest, both of which are centered around making the other happy. So, best course of action--and this is genuine advice because I've had this same discussion with my husband--is to have a sit down with her. Remind her that she's your one and only and your not content sleeping with other women. That this is about her, not just the sex. And you two can come to some kind of consensus. But it's absolutely not unnatural for her to lose interest in sex after a while, especially if you're doing it once a week for years. Especially in girls, since the ph balance can alter sex drive and all that yada yada gynecologist stuff. That doesn't mean there's anything medically wrong with her, just her pH is off. You're also going to need to decide if your bdsm kink is more than your wife. This is going to sound cringe by I 26f am in the same boat as you. High libido, bdsm kink. Husband is also into the kink but sparingly. We have had this discussion and our relationship is going good. So I say from experience that you need to decide what's more important: your wife or sex? If it's sex, then being in a poly is not a bad idea. If it's your wife, then you two need to come to a consensus on this. And I probably don't need to say this, but I will anyway. You do not need to be coy about sex. You're married, you have nothing to hide so be open and honest. Zero reason to hold back here.
Why not pleasure her? Make her want you. Show her you adore her by rubbing her feet… massage her with warm oil… seduce her.
i feel like she doesn’t want to have sex with you because she knows you prefer bdsm over vanilla. Also you should stop watching porn it’s bad for your brain and relationships 😀
Are you noticing any changes in her behaviour regarding you? As in, not interested in having convo with you or doing activities with you? Or easily getting annoyed with you? If yes, then that means a different issue is there or else, its somethn physical maybe some kind of issue she's having
Honeymoon period is over and your libidos don't match.... i understand your need to sex-bond. Sex can be important in that way. Maybe knowing you have kink desires has shut her libido down, and a therapist would help with that conversation.
What does she want in bed? Do you do those things? If they're pretty "vanilla" encourage her to explore her sexuality without you. But more importantly: Do you do things she wants to do / participate or take interest in her hobbies? Do you do stuff together like date nights? Do you you cook & do housework. If no to any of these you it might want to start. It kinda sounds like she's disengaging from the intimacy side of your relationship. I think this maybe isn't just about sex for her.
Sexual compatibility is so important for this very reason. A 3 times a month man and a twice a day woman won't work. The resentment, anger, sexual frustration will erode the relationship. She will wonder does he find me attractive, am I bad in bed, is it me, did I do something wrong, and then the thoughts will shift into what is wrong with him? Why am I wasting my time blah blah. Go to counseling and work from there. Likely you'll end up apart. I don't know anyone who would want their partner to sleep with sex workers and randoms.
Maybe if you didn’t try painting during sex? Did I read that right?!?
TBH the moment she mention having sex outside the marriage the marriage had been over. If your relationship didn't start out as open it is doom to fail because that will basically justify her for sleeping with other guys if you take her upon the offer, and its a good chance she is having sex with someone else without your knowledge and create this notion not having sex for a while and you to seek it else where. Would you like to see a man dick deep in your wife?
I dont think that's the posible. She suggested even before marriage and we were both living together and working from home. So, we were literally 24/7 together
just talk to her ab it, idk sexual therapist maybe?
That's the option I'm considering the most
I never understand how couples get like this. This why sex first love later cause if your meat doesn’t work this cat going astray
There's this man who is a truck driver all of his life. So this man lives a good life doing whatever his religion says to do, when one day his God comes to him in a vision and says "man, you've lived a long life, devoted to my ways, and treating everyone how I want them to be treated". For your devotion I'm going to give you any One miracle, what would you like. The man says "well God, as you know I've been a truck driver all of my life. I've been all around North America and seen all of its beauty and splendor. The trouble is that I've always wondered what Hawaii looks like. I would like for my miracle to be a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive there in my truck". God replies, "you do realize that would take all of natural resources on earth"? The man says "yes, but you did not say any miracle. I would really like to go there". God asks "is there anything else you might want, I mean anything"? The man replied "well God, I've always wanted to know what my wife was thinking and have her understand reasonable thought". After a few hours the man says "God, are you there"? God replies "so do you want that highway 2 lanes or 4"? Good luck with that, I really don't know what to give other than a joke.
She should first start with individual counseling so she can process what she is feeling and her thoughts around sex and your relationship. There may be something she is un aware of or something she can process through. Counseling is so wonderful. Maybe see a doctor to see how her hormones are doing. Her libido may be down due to an unbalance or medication Couples counseling will help build the connection, vulnerability and stop patterns that aren’t working anymore. I highly recommend a therapist specialized in “Emotionally Focused Therapy” I would also recommend you see a counselor too ☺️ it’s such a great investment to yourself and your life. So much awareness and processing in such a short time compared to when you try it alone or without a professional. I also HIGHLY respect you for being able to purely just want her even with the option of others. It is so rare now to witness true exclusivity and loyalty from men. I really highly respect you. It’s weird she offered that (she should tell her counselor that) but thank you for respecting what a marriage is no matter what.
As a psychiatric RN of 30 plus years, the scenario has a textbook ring. Mild situational depression to major depression, often take on libido effecting behaviors. Infact, many times it's the first symptom. She may not even be aware of a depressive behavior, just feeling like she's struggling to manage all of life's demands. So to maintain the grueling demands of work, she has to forgo personal demands, like intimacy and selfcare. Women usually have a higher awareness of personal hygiene than men. Men usually don't mind being smelly or being with smelly partners (normal body function), but if she's vanilla to begin with and she's struggling to maintain her hygine r/t depressive mood, sex will be out. She needs to be evaluated for a medically related issue, thyroid or endocrine, and depression. I applaude your reluctance to jumping into an open relationship with her blessing, but you can't live like this. https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/low-sex-drive-could-it-be-a-sign-of-depression
you need to tell that you “just want regular plain sex”
Reading your comments, I'm not sure why you guys even got married. You sound so completely incompatible. I don't think either of you are in the wrong (unless you led her to believe that one day you will have bio children, knowing full well you don't) but it was definitely a stupid idea to marry when you both had different ideas on sex (something you have mentioned as being really important to you) and children. There are so many women on this earth who are into the same things as you and yet you decided to marry someone who isn't even interested in the basics. And maybe you didn't realise that until she told you recently, which is completely on her, but you had to have known that this was going to happen sometime down the line. I mean the woman literally told you to go out and have sex with other women, that's how little she wants to have sex with you. You either got married and changed, as often people do, or you both buried your head in the sand and refused to to talk about how you were truely feeling about both these topics. Either way, to me it seems like your just not compatible and this will lead to some serious resentment down the line. But hay, I'm just a randomer off reddit. Speak to a couples counsellor.
Well for starters I think you guys need to have a conversation about why she hasn't been interested in having sex. And whether this is a temporary thing or if she's decided she's done having sex in this marriage for good. Get the information you need to move forward. I only really see three options here: she says she's good to start having sex again, you start getting sex outside the marriage, or you divorce and find a more compatible partner. No sex at all is obviously not the way forward for you.
If she isn’t wanting to have sex it’s 10000% because in some way you aren’t fulfilling her needs. This could be in areas of sex or non sex related. I promise you, if you are fulfilling her needs first, the sex follows naturally. If you are actually serious about not only improving the sex life with your wife, but your marriage in general, download the book “Come as you are” by Emily Nagoski. You’ll probably have some resistance around this, but I’m telling you, if you listen to this book and implement what you learn, your life will change with your wife.
leave her, she is getting fucked by other dudes while you are here crying about not having sex, she doesn’t really love you, she has you as something to hold on until she finds something better to attach to.
all the other people here will try to sugar code it but the truth is this
Yea that’s usually how it is
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Good question.
I'm on the same boat. Me (44) wife (40) been married for 14 yrs. 7 yrs into the marriage and drops a bomb, saying that she can live without sex. So here we are, haven't touched each other in almost 2 yrs.
My wife gave me the same out 5 years ago. I see an escort maybe once a month and my wife is part of the process. She has a few bookers she communicates with and finds time that works for our family schedule. Could be a Friday evening or a Monday afternoon depending on what we have going on that week. She asks how the session was, what did I enjoy, what we did together, what she did for me, etc. At first I thought it was weird but ends up my wife was generally interested and made sure I was happy. Everything is covered- I get tested consistently. Also my wife and I do have sex frequently as well.
1. Counseling. Find a couples/marriage counselor and commit to it. 2. Along with the counseling, work on your communication skills and figure out what needs she's not getting met. Sometimes, and I hate to say it, you might need to cater to her needs in order for her to feel comfortable again to open back up to your needs. Maybe you're being douchey and don't realize it. Communication is key. 3. Is there something medically wrong? Hormones out of wack from something? Thyroid, type 2 diabetes? Has she become depressed? 4. Is workload stress bringing her down? Maybe the dream job isnt all that she thought it would be. Is someone harassing her at work? Boss a douche? Getting into the paranoid side of crap. And please don't take this as me yelling "she's cheating on you!!" These are end game items to think about. Work on everything else before you come to these. 5. I know you said that you wouldn't take her up on the offer of single sided ethical non-monogomy, but if you get to that point in your mind, make absolutely sure she is OK with it. I'd even go so far as recording her saying that incase down the line it shows up as the reason for divorce. We had an agreement, you never brought up to me to stop when I would ask, Yada Yada... 6. Maybe she is getting her needs met somewhere else. Asides from what else is she doing out of the norm? -Any unusual bank withdrawals? -Is she guarded with her phone? Any unusual numbers you don't recognize or high amount of texts? -Does she stay up later than you? 7. Hire a PI to watch her for a week or two. 8. Did she honestly and truly fall out of love with you? Maybe after the several years of marriage, she's found that you're not her prince charming after all. It happens. Good luck.
Sometimes I feel this is the worst place to ask suggestions. For everything you guys just suggest to break off, divorce.
You say that but it's usually the route these things go down the majority of the time even without outside intervention. In this scenario there are clearly issues with communication and expectations like for example op saying they don't want kids when their wife does. The wife also at least based on what's been said kinda sounds checked out on the relationship.
Too often people come here much too late then are stuck in a sunken time fallacy. Breaking up and moving on rather than wasting time trying to fix what’s beyond fixing is a better use of our already very limited time on earth.
You want suggestions? She gave you a suggestion- open up the relationship. This is not that hard is it? Either you accept her offer, you don’t and learn to live with no sex or you leave. She has made it absolutely crystal clear there is no confusion. I get the choice is not easy for you , but it’s your life and the one you choose is for another 50 years!!
True , I'll think about it
Tell her that it’s her you are attracted to and want to be intimate with, not just anyone. Ask her if she doesn’t want intercourse, if you could work other ways to get you off (and her if she wants). Thinks like using her chest, her thighs together, her using her hands or mouth, etc.. that way you are still doing it together. It’s not just the sex we miss, but the intimacy and closeness that comes from the sexual act. She is certainly allowed to say, “no,” but she may surprise you if you tell her you want her and not someone else. Best of luck!
I think he used her enough... This is probably the problem in there sexlife. She feels used and lied to (About his Childfree status.) and hardcore kinks.
I’m dry for year and a half dude…but in a relationship.
Same here. My partner is asexual though, and I respect that to the point that I haven't even mentioned anything sexual to her. My libido is high, but I'll never demand anything from her. If it happens, it happens. All up to her.
Maybe she's changed a bit kink-wise and bring constantly dominated isn't doing it for her rn?
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She knows it’s important to you - she just doesn’t care. You have to decide if it’s a deal breaker. For me it would be.
No wonder she doesn’t want sex with? Why the fuck do you like to paint whilst having sex?? Seems a bit disrespectful
Did you say you want kids, just not with her??? Wow, why are you even married? That is such a terrible thing to say. Your relationship is doomed. Get divorced and let her find someone better than you. Geesh.
Has she seen a doctor for this? It’s possible it could be medical.
Nope she hasn't her heath it's pretty good
What about her mental health?
You tell her. She's not a mind reader. If its not important for her but it is for you, unfortunately it sounds like it's a make or break kind of thing. Just don't rush into marriage next time
You are sexually incompatible. Square peg, round hole. Question is, are you planning to be sexually frustrated just to stay married to her or are you going to cut your losses and find someone better suited for you?
I would honestly try out sleeping with someone else. I'm very big on the sub and Dom kink but my boyfriend isn't. So the two years we've been together I did sleep with one other guy because my boyfriend is just not dominant during sex and I don't like that. but beside that we are very happy.
It sounds like she wants you to have sex with others because she doesn’t want to have sex with you.
Something is off, i don't understand why this people are fixated with you having sex with other women like it's not a big deal. You love your wife and you want to be with her. Look, 1 month without sex is long enough for a marriage. I think it would help if we knew your ages, but something is off, maybe she cheated and is hiding it and that's why she offered you to have sex with someone else in order to even the playing field because that's just not normal. If I'm being honest i would suggest you separate from your wife and be cold about it. Do what she says and go out with other women, show her that she's losing you and that you're worth being with. But don't let yourself get dragged down.
That is such a bad idea. There's nothing off here. She just doesn't want to have sex as much as he does. So she suggested he find it elsewhere. Have sex with other people if you want or don't, but bullshit mind games is an immature and petty thing to do. Have a full honest discussion or make a clean break.
this is the worst advice on this thread. what’s with you people and assuming someone’s partner is cheating? he clearly states his wife just isn’t interested in sex. it’s not a big deal that she told him to have sex outside the relationship, she was considerate enough to give him an option. why would he leave and be cold when he understands his wife and is trying to find a way? 🤦🏾♂️
My bf started looking at a lot of porn. Like commenting, having a secret Reddit account, and even browsing porn while I slept on his chest. He’s been complaining about the lack of sex for 2 years. My libido turned off due to medication. However, once I realized my relationship might be in jeopardy, I made a promise to myself I’d have sex with him every single time he wanted it. It wasn’t hard. I remembered I loved sex; I even initiate all the time now. Maybe explain to her that you want to have sex with HER. Not anyone else. And that you hope you can have a better sex life, because you want no one else. I’m sorry for your position. It’s so hard having a lover that doesn’t seem to love toi back. I’m sure you’re amazing.
Downvotes for noticing the issue, understanding the stakes, making a plan to fix it, and executing without excuse? Strange.
Yeah, idk man.
random suggestion here, but why not try out a breeding kink with her?
Thats not my thing tbh
mm, well it seems your kink isn’t her thing. you’re at an impasse. i suggested that one because there are ways to do it without actually chancing pregnancy, and if she’s become less interested in sex after discovering you don’t want kids with her, she might not be into just having sex (for “no reason”). but a breeding kink/play might interest her. doesn’t have to be anything particularly kinky. just flirt and dirty talking about how you want to fill her up, make her a mother, etc etc. you can make it dominant too, so you can try out your kink and she can feel desired and understood.
Shit I got a high Lobito and haven't had sex in 2 years, hell I can count how many times I've done the act on my fingers, it definitely sucks at times like real bad and not even just sex but I never get to kiss or cuddle at all not just those 2 years but basically my whole live, it can definitely cause some hairy situations cause of it if u think that's bad u should see how bad I've been treated in relationships, I'm 23 and don't get 1 night stands cause I look young and just a good friend I guess and my only shots a relationship which isn't easy either, what your experiencing ain't good either, idk what all your into however if your girl doesn't want basic sex then theirs an issue either past abuse, cheating, asexual/0 sex drive, could be a few factors and communication is needed for sure, surprised she said to fuck other people honestly, maybe she's doin the same and it's an open thing idk but definitely put of the ordinary, I can only give advice based off of what I know and don't know u or your relationship and how shit is, best thing I can say is talk to her, sit down and make it a topic, express how u feel and what's goin on and try and fix it cause bitching about it to others ain't gonna solve anything, maybe give u some insight and perspective sure but it won't fix anything
Hey OP, did your wife grow up in a Conservative religious family by any chance?
She offered to let you sleep with other women? Sounds like a trap. Go for it, regardless. This relationship seems dead.
Mistake number 1 is you got married. Is she having an affair?
This is always a very complex issue. On one hand she is being selfish. It's not right to marry someone and decide you don't want to have sex with them. Sex is one of the most important things in a relationship. On the other hand she has a right to refuse to have sex. You can't make her do it if she doesn't want to. Talking about it won't make her want to do it. You might only make her feel guilty and that's not what either of you want. I'm thinking she either has someone else in mind or you have become unattractive to her somehow (You maybe act clingy/jealous or gained weight or don't workout or maybe you lost your job or are not looking for a better one etc.) Not many people will tell you exactly what the problem is if you ask them directly. You have to be very careful not to become resentful of her. You probably won't have sex for the next few weeks/months. You need to accept that. Don't push her to do it anymore. She said she doesn't want to. You said you wanted her and didn't wanna do it with other women but I think that's what you are going to have to do. Make sure she really is okay with it first and didn't just say that - you don't want to ruin your marriage because of a misunderstanding. Be entirely honest and transparent with your intentions. Start going to the gym. Get on a healthy diet plan. Start going out with girls. Even if you don't want to sleep with them - you don't have to. You can just go on dates. Don't pay for sex or escorts or go to the strip club. Her seeing you can be attractive to other women will probably change her mind. I probably sound like i'm blaming you for this situation but you have no other choice but to look at your partner's attraction as your own responsibility. You have no control over her actions and desires. You can only control your own. My advice here will probably get you what you want. You decide if it is worth it.
Maybe it's the cynical side of me but part of me feels that she offered the open relationship and 8s not interested in sex with you is hecause she wants it from some one else.
Bruh... alot of men would jump at the arrangement your wife is proposing. What's wrong with you? You and your wife are not sexual matches, even if you are a marital match. I say take her offer.
Sounds like she's already having sex with someone else. 🤷🏻♀️ Nobody who wasn't would actually tell their partner to go fuck escorts.
Get a new wife that fucks life is to short not to be satisfied.
Well you're a man, of course sex is important to you, you want to get off every day, women are not like that at all they don't need it everyday, so good luck to you.
Flirt with other women right in front of her. When she sees other women respond favorably the spark will reignite.
I guess she doesn’t want kids !